#I'm so tired I need a hug

[suwisuwii]

When my ex finally moved out I thought I wouldn't really see him again. Or just not very often. Now, I know he isn't going to move back in to live with me, just my daughter, but I have been anxious all day.

My daughter is coming back tomorrow, and he'll be staying at an airbnb or something until he finds a place.

The reason why I allowed my daughter to leave is because she was supposed to stay with his family, who would take proper care of her. That is no longer the case.

Now why didn't I offer to let him stay here too until he finds something?

I know the moment he sits down in my house, he won't leave.

(I'm going to be talking about some graphic details below, tw for death, murder, rape, suicide mention )

This guy tricked me into getting pregnant, following him to his country, and doing sex work for years. He never tried to find a job, he was perfectly happy with me working 24h a day, not seeing my daughter for weeks, just so I could afford him a work-free life. I had agreed to a few months of it while he looked for a job, and was now trapped in it without an end in sight.

When a client raped me and almost killed me, he said it was "part of the job".

On another occasion one of my coworkers was murdered and dismembered, and he showed no symphathy when he saw her on the news and I told him that was my friend.

(the killer is now in jail, I had met him once and I won't go into details but I survived because I made a scene and he left. I felt sick for a few days but it wasn't enough to kill me. He has been found guilty of 3 murders, and 7 attempts)

But I just kept on going and didn't feel human anymore.

At a point I was in therapy because I wanted to die. I wasn't even sad or upset, I just thought of myself as a disposable tool. I was soon to have enough money to buy a flat in cash, and I would buy that for him and my daughter, and then just die. I felt happy thinking about the time when I would finally be free and die.

The only reason I was able to stop, and wiggle out of that situation was because of the first covid lockdown. The whole country shut down for months, we literally were not allowed fo leave our house unless we were going to buy essentials (police asked for receipts). Initially I felt trapped, slowed down. I had to be alive a little longer.

Things changed when I made friends, even if online, for the first time in years. I started seeing myself as a person again and not a tool.

I broke up with him, and kept on mantaining him economically for years just because I felt obligated to. But I started making art again during that time and earning money for myself. When he left, I thought it was finally over.

I know I am realistically not in danger but as my partner said to me today, every time he calls I end up spiraling in a frenzy. I think it's the trauma.

In any case. I can't wait to have my daughter back. And whatever happens, I'll fight to keep my freedom.

I'm also very grateful for the partner I have now. I was in a bad mental state today, and he said that he will not let anything bad happen to me. It sounds like something simple but I know he means it. And I don't feel as scared if he's supporting me.

I know I can't lose my freedom now but damn every time I get so scared. I guess that's how trauma works. It's not rational.

[iwanttobepersephone]

So, my mom was telling me how much free time I have, and I was like, "I have no freetime wth do you mean?????" And I just wanna see if this is like. A normal way to think of things?

Things I need to do:

Finish reading icebound land

Make a whole lotta art that I promised people

Research study abroad programs

At least one Dutch lesson a day

Keep my room clean

Talk to my friends so they know I love them (and so I don't go insane)

My math homework

Keep myself clean (showers, finally brushing my teeth after months, etc etc) so I don't go insane

Eat at 7pm

Various things I enjoy as to not go insane

All from 6pm to 9 pm, every day, after being at school from 8 am to 3:30 pm and then The Public (teen center) from 3:30 to 5:30, and I need to be in bed by 9:30 and asleep by 10:00

So, basically, I'm "on the clock" from 7 am (When I start getting ready for school) until 9 pm, with no breaks

But yeah no I totally have free time. Yeaup

[tartarusknight]

The Fallen King and the King of the Freaks | Part 3

Ao3 Link | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16

Steve wasn't planning on actually becoming friends with Hellfire. Not after the obvious way he made them uncomfortable. So, after Eddie helped him, he said to himself that he was done... then Billy picked on him again, and Eddie came to the rescue again. Honestly, it was like Eddie became his white knight.

And Steve... Steve could take care of himself. However, he couldn't stop himself from wanting to be their friend. He hated the way he jumped at the chance to just go to watch them playing a game like he couldn't even stop himself.

Steve didn’t understand why he offered to go watch them after swimming. No, that was a lie. He knew exactly why he did it.  He wanted to go. He loved listening to stories. He loved hearing people talk about something they were passionate about. So, it sounded nice. But when lunch was over and he tosses his untouched meal, he regretted it. They were just pitying him and he didn’t need to force his shit on anyone else.

So, he decided he’d just ignore them until they forgot about him completely. It was the day after Hellfire, so he’d have an entire week to become a background thought. It shouldn’t be too difficult… most people only knew Steve’s top layer. People left him behind all the time, Hellfire wouldn’t be any different. After all, everyone who had learned who he was, left him. His parents were gone more than they were around. Nancy called him bullshit after he let her in. Tommy and Carol, his best friends from elementary school, had used him to become more “powerful” and “cool”. Hellfire would be the same way; he knew they would.

Except, they didn’t just let him disappear. Grant would wave at him in the hallways with a kind smile. Gareth had the same free hour and suddenly Steve didn’t sit in the library alone. Eddie would constantly find him during lunch and offer a seat which Steve had turned down with a polite smile. Always saying he needed to work on school shit. (Which was never a lie. His head swam, trying to keep up in class after Billy bashed his head in.) However, the first real interaction with Hellfire was with Jeff.

It was Saturday and Steve stood in the supermarket. The kids were coming over later in the day and Steve got a call from Lucas’s mom asking him to not buy her son junk food. And well, Steve knew how to cook. However, his house was completely void of any food. He hadn't felt the need to cook if it was just himself lately… After that night Steve’s stomach rebelled against most foods.

He was staring blankly at the meat section for, what could’ve been, a long time when a hand dropped on his shoulder. Steve flinched away and his body went into fight mode before he noticed Jeff. He dropped his hands and gave the other an extremely fake grin. “Hey man,” he smiled and Jeff looked him over as if he could see right through Steve.

“I thought it was you. Your hair is very distinguishable.” He joked and Steve let out a small chuckle.

“Well I’m called The Hair for a reason,” his voice didn’t hold much joy in it and he winced.

“So, what brings you here?” He asks lamely.

Jeff shrugs, “gotta pick up stuff for my mom. Same for you?”

Steve huffed a laugh, “nah, she’s not in town. But I’ve got a few of the kids coming over and need to make them something that their parents would approve of.” He over-explained but Jeff just nodded.

“Struggling with a plan?” He asked like he wanted to talk with Steve. “Not a big cook?” He asked when Steve didn’t respond.

It makes him smile, “oh I know how to cook. When your al-” he stops himself with clearing his throat. “Nah, just not really feeling meat at the moment.” He gestures and when his gaze hits the bloody meat he shudders.

“There are lots of meatless options out there.” Jeff offers and Steve freezes, he hadn't even considered that. After all, he was told every meal needed a good amount of protein. “My sister doesn’t eat meat. So we’ve learned how to work around it. It’s a little different but still,” he shrugs and Steve’s brow furrowed. “It’s a little hard to get the hang of right away but with practice, you should be able to get it down.”

That makes Steve frown, “I don’t really have the time to experiment.” He swallows and looks back to the meat selection.

Jeff nudged him with his shoulder, “If you want I could help. I’m not that busy today.”

Steve felt something swell in his chest. “Really? I don’t want to be a-”

Jeff scoffed, “please I’d love to help. Showing off to King Steve. It sounds like fun. Plus, then I have an excuse to leave the house.” Steve nods and Jeff gestures him to follow. Jeff puts things in Steve’s basket with an explanation to what he’s planning and Steve just nods. He also helps Jeff get the stuff for his mom before heading to his house.

He only has a few moments alone in which he grabs out his stereo and sets it on some rock station he figured would be more Jeff’s speed. Then he cleans the dust off his counters and waits for the other. It doesn’t take too long and Jeff takes off his shoes politely before he follows Steve into the empty shell of a house. “Okay, are you ready?” Jeff questions and Steve nods. They work together, Jeff giving him instructions. However, they also talked about music, Steve mostly just listened as Jeff explains some songs that he likes. It’s nice. It’s like having a friend and it makes Steve’s hands shake. He didn’t want to let them in. And yet he let Jeff into his house.

They end up making Vegetarian Enchiladas. It’s filled with corn, beans, and zucchini. Topped with cheese, avocado, tomato, and parsley. However, Jeff makes them look normal and Steve hopes the kids won’t notice. “I’ve got two younger siblings. My sister doesn’t do meat and my brother refuses vegetables. I’ve gotten really good at making a vegetarian meal that he will eat. Don’t worry the kids will just think you made them normal enchiladas.” Jeff says and Steve leans against his counter, so fucking thankful.

“So, you cook normally?” Jeff questions as Steve grabs them both out a soda he got for the kids.

He nods, “yeah. My mom’s not one to cook” at least not for me. “So, I’ve learned.” He does look at Jeff and his shoulders slump. “Thanks for the help, man. It was really appreciated. Honestly, it’s a big help. I have to repay you, or something.” He states and Jeff looks confused.

“No need, it’s not a big deal.” He stated but people weren’t nice without wanting something in return. Not many people were kind as they grew up.

Jeff seemed to see Steve’s confusion and sighed. “You know what, how about you bring cookies or something to Hellfire’s next meeting. You’re still stopping by after swimming, right?”

It was a chance to get away from going. Steve could just say, no man something came up. But instead, he grinned, “yeah of course. Any allergies?”

“Grant’s allergic to tree nuts,” Jeff offers, and Steve’s phone rings. “But I’ll get out of your hair, just remember they cook for 12 minutes at 400.” He reminded and headed out. Steve went to the phone as the door to his house shut. Why couldn’t he let go of the Hellfire club?

@zerokrox-bloglog @cyranyxx @adaed5 @the-redthreadd @lifeisnotsobadonceyoustopcaringceyoustopcaring @idontgetpaidenoughforthisshitorthisshit @failedstarsandgoldencloudsds @bisexualdisastersworldd @deadlydodoss @anythingyouwanttobee @nburkhardtt @bestwifehaverr @thehumblefigtreee @megzdoodlee @swimmingbirdrunningrockk @mightbeasleepp @bxlthazarar @autumnal-dawnn @nelotegreitic @chillichatss @nonbinary-eddie-munsonon @the-daydreamer-in-the-cornerner @eddie-munson-is-my-wifewife @a-little-unsteddiedie

(Sorry if I missed any of you!!! Please remind me if I did!)

(No actual Steddie but just some good old CC content. I want more than just Steve and Eddie to become friends. I want the whole CC to adopt the jock&lt;3<3)

[someprettyname]

[ vent UTC, please do scroll through ]

And what when I get tired of her bs? What when I say i don't want to be fucking understanding, accomodating and all those things? WHAT. WHEN. I. DON'T. WANT. TO. PERFORM. HUH?

Why is it that she has a bad day at school and was violated i have to put up with your awfull mood? You didn't even open up about it. So you don't talk about it to me. You don't get it regulated somewhere else. You just stop skipping on cooking meals for no apparent reasons, make me eat half spoiled food WHICH WAS OBVIOUSLY TOO SOUR TO BE GOOD SO OBVIOUSLY IT WAS GOING BAD, you wake up with a bad mood and I feel like you might beat me, throw my phone so hard it breaks (it's my only source for studying you know?), be SCARED FOR MY FUCKING LIFE BECAUSE YOU HAVE TOO MUCH POWER and dad would trust you more than he trusts me all on top of the fact that I don't even know if you'll cook a good breakfast so i don't have to study TOUGH sciences on empty stomach. You're being cold, rude distant for a mistake I DID NOT EVEN MAKE. WHY. WHY DO I HAVE TO PUSH MY BOUNDARIES SO MUCH AND ACCOMODATE YOUR BAD MOOD IN MY ALREADY TOUGH SCHEDULE. I'M EXPECTED TO STUDY TOUGH LEVEL SCIENCE AND MATHS FOR 10-12 HOURS A DAY ATLEAST YOU KNOW?

I'm preparing for one of the toughest exams IN THE WORLD.

CUT ME SOME SLACK PLEASE. I'M BEGGING ON MY KNEES. I WAS ON PHONE BECAUSE I WAS ON A CALL WITH MY MENTOR I WAS NOT MESSING AROUND I DIDN'T DESERVE THAT GLARE. WHEN DO I EVER PROJECT MY MOOD ON YOU?

And now.

Now you're suddenly all happy, polite cooking me a nice meal, wishing me a good morning because your classes are going to be held online and you need my help with technicalities.

Great.

Just

JUST GREAT. ATLEAST I CAN LIKE IN PEACE YEAH.

The biological waste you gave birth to is finally of SOME use, yeah?

I feel so violated being used like a ragdoll like this. What did I do to deserve this? I wanna punch the wall to break my phone, throw thing, pull my hair till there's nothing left, screech, scream BUT I CAN'T. I CAN'T. UGH. GOD.

Was this why I had such severe anger issues as a child?

[phil-lestifer]

Had a 25 hour sleepover with my friends, came home and my dad talked to me about politics for 4 hours (can't leave or he guilts me into believing I don't care about his opinion) and then when I tried to tell him I was proud of myself for trying to fix my sleep schedule by aiming for 1am he called me a pathetic failure and refused to see how this made me feel awful and now I'm in bed with my cat how's everyone else's day gone?

[bunnieswithknives]

I don’t remember if I ever properly established this, but Red does actually help out a bit while he’s alive. It uh, doesn’t last.

Continuation of this

[somegrumpynerd]

Blacked out. Wet Irish hug

BIG WET RAT HUG!!!!! :D

Oooooo I forgot how cool your new sona looks!!! I need to try and draw them when I have my energy back again :3c And I love how you draw my little guy he looks so cute in your style ;-;

[amber-sekio]

One-shot Prompt

Fandom: BSD -Bungo Stray Dogs

Ship: Soukoku 

Prompt:“Why are you awake?” “I could ask you the same thing.” 

TW: mentions of self-harm, suicidal thoughts/idealization, vague mentions of an eating disorder but not specified, self-deprecating thoughts  

A/N: Also posted on my ao3, you can find the link on my master list

After being together for a few months and going on cheesy expensive dates, at the expense of Chuuya’s wallet, Dazai moved in with Chuuya. And slowly, with Chuuya’s help, Dazai was getting better. He still slacked off at the office, primarily just to annoy Kunikida, but he was getting more sleep and Chuuya did his best to get Dazai to eat at least three times a day even if it was small; something was better than nothing, as Chuuya had put it. 

That doesn’t mean it always worked out, of course. There were still days when Dazai struggled to eat anything at all. And there were nights like tonight where, even within the comforting warmth of Chuuya’s arms, Dazai couldn’t seem to fall asleep. 

His thoughts were a little too loud tonight, it seemed. Normally, there would have been signs the previous days; signs of Dazai slipping back towards the darkness. However, this time, it seemed to come onto him suddenly, and worst of all, after Chuuya had already slipped into unconsciousness. And though Chuuya hadn’t said anything of work being tiring, Dazai could tell it had been tough. Nothing Chuuya couldn’t handle... but it certainly left him more exhausted than usual. 

Dazai would… feel bad, if he woke him up now. Chuuya did so much for him. He cooked for him, he made sure Dazai was showering, and even if Dazai couldn’t get himself to shower, Chuuya would take a bath with him to compromise. When Dazai felt disgusted by his own body, Chuuya was there to kiss every single inch of his body with affirmations pressed into his skin.  

And Dazai did what? What did he ever do for Chuuya? Nothing. All he ever did was burden Chuuya with all his emotional crap. 

So, no. No, he wasn’t going to wake up Chuuya for something he should be able to handle by himself. He had handled it for the four years he was gone, he could do it again. Although, handle was probably the wrong word. He handled it by ignoring it. He handled it with his… self destructive habits… 

He wouldn’t. He couldn’t ruin all of Chuuya’s hard work. Chuuya had kept him from harming himself since they got together almost a year ago now. 

Chuuya would surely be mad if he ruined it now. 

Dazai slipped himself out of Chuuya’s grasp and out of the covers of their bed. With silent steps, he made his way over to the balcony, swiftly opening the sliding door before closing it behind himself.  

He hissed as his bare feet hit the freezing ground of the balcony deck. It was the middle of the night, probably sometime around 2 or 3 in the morning by now, if Dazai had to guess. The autumn air was crisp and beginning to grow colder as the end of the year creeped up on them.  

Dazai breathed out softly, watching it fog up in the temperature difference. 

He leaned against the railing, watching the city lights of Yokohama at night below him. Every so often, a car would pass below and his eyes would subconsciously follow it into the distance.  

This did nothing to stop his racing mind, but made him far colder than he was before. He was tempted to retreat back into the comfort of Chuuya’s arms, but something kept him from doing so. 

He looked down. 

It was far. 

No human could possibly survive a fall that far. 

Chuuya could. 

Dazai couldn’t. 

His fingers twitched where they were on the railing. His hand closed around the railing. 

No. 

His hand shook, clasped around the freezing metal. 

His mind drowned out the sound of the city around him. 

His thoughts were screaming in his mind.  

It was loud, a cacophony of sounds. Thoughts. 

“Why are you awake?” 

Dazai’s eyes widen. His hand gripping even tighter around the metal. His body betrayed no other signs of his shock. He didn’t turn around. 

“I could ask you the same thing.” 

“The bed grew cold without a certain clingy mackerel occupying the other side.” 

A soft sigh sounded behind him before warm hands found their way around his waist. 

“Couldn’t sleep?” 

“Yeah.” 

“If you’re not up to talk right now, that’s fine, but lets go back inside.” Chuuya spoke, his words pressed into Dazai’s back as a kiss accompanied them. “You’re shivering.” 

Was he? He hadn’t even noticed. 

He unclasped his hand from the freezing metal. 

Chuuya let his hands fall to his side and already Dazai missed their warmth. 

Dazai silently followed Chuuya inside. He slipped back under the covers, letting Chuuya close the door before joining him. 

“Do you wanna talk about it?” 

Dazai shifted closer to Chuuya, letting his head rest against Chuuya’s chest. He listened to Chuuya’s heartbeat for a moment as Chuuya’s arms wrapped around his waist.  

Dazai’s voice was quiet as he spoke into Chuuya’s chest. “Tomorrow?” 

He could feel the soft sigh that left Chuuya. “Tomorrow.” 

A hand left Dazai’s waist from under the covers to run though his hair. Dazai let out a soft, content, sigh at the fingers in his hair. 

“Try and get some sleep for me, ‘kay princess?” 

Dazai felt his cheeks heat up at the pet name, burying his face further into Chuuya’s chest in response. 

“I love you.” 

“Love you too, princess.” 

Dazai is a princess who loves to be spoiled rotten and no one can change my mind, and of course, who better than Chuuya to fulfill his need to be taken care of?

I'm going to ignore the fact that me writing Dazai being taken care of is just me coping 🙃

[gayafsowhat]

Starting to wonder if the reason I was so against dating for so long was bc I was fuckin gay this whole time so ofc boys had 0 temptation to me

[dont-offend-the-bees]

Not to continue my recent trend of oversharing on tumblr dot com, but I am very much struggling not to feel like I'm doing everything in my entire life wrong at present

[marauding-almond]

i just want someone to hug me and say that it's okay, you did your best, wrap me in a blanket and sit with me while i fall asleep

[savage-rhi]

Magenta 😟

[girl-that-wants-to-die]

[ghostofasecretary]

it's been a while since i've cried hard enough to have a headache but. sure got there today, babes!

[meownotgood]

I love aki.... I want him to hold me.......

[mosspapi]

(tw vent post, discussion of sh & suicide)

Well. The question now becomes do I count this as relapsing or the worlds most botched attempt.

Like it was barely even an attempt they're so fucking shallow. Some aren't even as deep as I normally go. I had the thought in mind but I knew I wouldn't go thru with it. Like the goal wasn't just sh but that's all I expected it to be yknow. Idk man. Like. It feels more intense than just my normal sh but it was hardly anything worth even acknowledging it was such a nothingburger. Like on any other day I wouldn't even think twice abt it, and I Knew that's what it was gonna be. But this wasn't that even tho it was. Idk. It's so fucking embarrassing to be like 'yeah I wanna kms. No I didn't go deep why do u ask'. Bcuz it just feels like I'm making it all up for attention. And like part of me does want attention, I just want to be fucking acknowledged for once in my fucking life, but that's not why I do this. Nobody fucking knows I do this, or that I just did that, or any of it. Idfk.