#I'm so tired I need a hug
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When my ex finally moved out I thought I wouldn't really see him again. Or just not very often. Now, I know he isn't going to move back in to live with me, just my daughter, but I have been anxious all day.
My daughter is coming back tomorrow, and he'll be staying at an airbnb or something until he finds a place.
The reason why I allowed my daughter to leave is because she was supposed to stay with his family, who would take proper care of her. That is no longer the case.
Now why didn't I offer to let him stay here too until he finds something?
I know the moment he sits down in my house, he won't leave.
(I'm going to be talking about some graphic details below, tw for death, murder, rape, suicide mention )
This guy tricked me into getting pregnant, following him to his country, and doing sex work for years. He never tried to find a job, he was perfectly happy with me working 24h a day, not seeing my daughter for weeks, just so I could afford him a work-free life. I had agreed to a few months of it while he looked for a job, and was now trapped in it without an end in sight.
When a client raped me and almost killed me, he said it was "part of the job".
On another occasion one of my coworkers was murdered and dismembered, and he showed no symphathy when he saw her on the news and I told him that was my friend.
(the killer is now in jail, I had met him once and I won't go into details but I survived because I made a scene and he left. I felt sick for a few days but it wasn't enough to kill me. He has been found guilty of 3 murders, and 7 attempts)
But I just kept on going and didn't feel human anymore.
At a point I was in therapy because I wanted to die. I wasn't even sad or upset, I just thought of myself as a disposable tool. I was soon to have enough money to buy a flat in cash, and I would buy that for him and my daughter, and then just die. I felt happy thinking about the time when I would finally be free and die.
The only reason I was able to stop, and wiggle out of that situation was because of the first covid lockdown. The whole country shut down for months, we literally were not allowed fo leave our house unless we were going to buy essentials (police asked for receipts). Initially I felt trapped, slowed down. I had to be alive a little longer.
Things changed when I made friends, even if online, for the first time in years. I started seeing myself as a person again and not a tool.
I broke up with him, and kept on mantaining him economically for years just because I felt obligated to. But I started making art again during that time and earning money for myself. When he left, I thought it was finally over.
I know I am realistically not in danger but as my partner said to me today, every time he calls I end up spiraling in a frenzy. I think it's the trauma.
In any case. I can't wait to have my daughter back. And whatever happens, I'll fight to keep my freedom.
I'm also very grateful for the partner I have now. I was in a bad mental state today, and he said that he will not let anything bad happen to me. It sounds like something simple but I know he means it. And I don't feel as scared if he's supporting me.
I know I can't lose my freedom now but damn every time I get so scared. I guess that's how trauma works. It's not rational.
#personal#thoughts#venting#I'm having a bad day but I'm trying my best#there's traumadumping here so skip if it bothers you#tw rape mention#murder mention#suicide mention#I'm so tired I need a hug
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The Fallen King and the King of the Freaks | Part 3
Ao3 Link | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16
Steve wasn't planning on actually becoming friends with Hellfire. Not after the obvious way he made them uncomfortable. So, after Eddie helped him, he said to himself that he was done... then Billy picked on him again, and Eddie came to the rescue again. Honestly, it was like Eddie became his white knight.
And Steve... Steve could take care of himself. However, he couldn't stop himself from wanting to be their friend. He hated the way he jumped at the chance to just go to watch them playing a game like he couldn't even stop himself.
Steve didn’t understand why he offered to go watch them after swimming. No, that was a lie. He knew exactly why he did it. He wanted to go. He loved listening to stories. He loved hearing people talk about something they were passionate about. So, it sounded nice. But when lunch was over and he tosses his untouched meal, he regretted it. They were just pitying him and he didn’t need to force his shit on anyone else.
So, he decided he’d just ignore them until they forgot about him completely. It was the day after Hellfire, so he’d have an entire week to become a background thought. It shouldn’t be too difficult… most people only knew Steve’s top layer. People left him behind all the time, Hellfire wouldn’t be any different. After all, everyone who had learned who he was, left him. His parents were gone more than they were around. Nancy called him bullshit after he let her in. Tommy and Carol, his best friends from elementary school, had used him to become more “powerful” and “cool”. Hellfire would be the same way; he knew they would.
Except, they didn’t just let him disappear. Grant would wave at him in the hallways with a kind smile. Gareth had the same free hour and suddenly Steve didn’t sit in the library alone. Eddie would constantly find him during lunch and offer a seat which Steve had turned down with a polite smile. Always saying he needed to work on school shit. (Which was never a lie. His head swam, trying to keep up in class after Billy bashed his head in.) However, the first real interaction with Hellfire was with Jeff.
It was Saturday and Steve stood in the supermarket. The kids were coming over later in the day and Steve got a call from Lucas’s mom asking him to not buy her son junk food. And well, Steve knew how to cook. However, his house was completely void of any food. He hadn't felt the need to cook if it was just himself lately… After that night Steve’s stomach rebelled against most foods.
He was staring blankly at the meat section for, what could’ve been, a long time when a hand dropped on his shoulder. Steve flinched away and his body went into fight mode before he noticed Jeff. He dropped his hands and gave the other an extremely fake grin. “Hey man,” he smiled and Jeff looked him over as if he could see right through Steve.
“I thought it was you. Your hair is very distinguishable.” He joked and Steve let out a small chuckle.
“Well I’m called The Hair for a reason,” his voice didn’t hold much joy in it and he winced.
“So, what brings you here?” He asks lamely.
Jeff shrugs, “gotta pick up stuff for my mom. Same for you?”
Steve huffed a laugh, “nah, she’s not in town. But I’ve got a few of the kids coming over and need to make them something that their parents would approve of.” He over-explained but Jeff just nodded.
“Struggling with a plan?” He asked like he wanted to talk with Steve. “Not a big cook?” He asked when Steve didn’t respond.
It makes him smile, “oh I know how to cook. When your al-” he stops himself with clearing his throat. “Nah, just not really feeling meat at the moment.” He gestures and when his gaze hits the bloody meat he shudders.
“There are lots of meatless options out there.” Jeff offers and Steve freezes, he hadn't even considered that. After all, he was told every meal needed a good amount of protein. “My sister doesn’t eat meat. So we’ve learned how to work around it. It’s a little different but still,” he shrugs and Steve’s brow furrowed. “It’s a little hard to get the hang of right away but with practice, you should be able to get it down.”
That makes Steve frown, “I don’t really have the time to experiment.” He swallows and looks back to the meat selection.
Jeff nudged him with his shoulder, “If you want I could help. I’m not that busy today.”
Steve felt something swell in his chest. “Really? I don’t want to be a-”
Jeff scoffed, “please I’d love to help. Showing off to King Steve. It sounds like fun. Plus, then I have an excuse to leave the house.” Steve nods and Jeff gestures him to follow. Jeff puts things in Steve’s basket with an explanation to what he’s planning and Steve just nods. He also helps Jeff get the stuff for his mom before heading to his house.
He only has a few moments alone in which he grabs out his stereo and sets it on some rock station he figured would be more Jeff’s speed. Then he cleans the dust off his counters and waits for the other. It doesn’t take too long and Jeff takes off his shoes politely before he follows Steve into the empty shell of a house. “Okay, are you ready?” Jeff questions and Steve nods. They work together, Jeff giving him instructions. However, they also talked about music, Steve mostly just listened as Jeff explains some songs that he likes. It’s nice. It’s like having a friend and it makes Steve’s hands shake. He didn’t want to let them in. And yet he let Jeff into his house.
They end up making Vegetarian Enchiladas. It’s filled with corn, beans, and zucchini. Topped with cheese, avocado, tomato, and parsley. However, Jeff makes them look normal and Steve hopes the kids won’t notice. “I’ve got two younger siblings. My sister doesn’t do meat and my brother refuses vegetables. I’ve gotten really good at making a vegetarian meal that he will eat. Don’t worry the kids will just think you made them normal enchiladas.” Jeff says and Steve leans against his counter, so fucking thankful.
“So, you cook normally?” Jeff questions as Steve grabs them both out a soda he got for the kids.
He nods, “yeah. My mom’s not one to cook” at least not for me. “So, I’ve learned.” He does look at Jeff and his shoulders slump. “Thanks for the help, man. It was really appreciated. Honestly, it’s a big help. I have to repay you, or something.” He states and Jeff looks confused.
“No need, it’s not a big deal.” He stated but people weren’t nice without wanting something in return. Not many people were kind as they grew up.
Jeff seemed to see Steve’s confusion and sighed. “You know what, how about you bring cookies or something to Hellfire’s next meeting. You’re still stopping by after swimming, right?”
It was a chance to get away from going. Steve could just say, no man something came up. But instead, he grinned, “yeah of course. Any allergies?”
“Grant’s allergic to tree nuts,” Jeff offers, and Steve’s phone rings. “But I’ll get out of your hair, just remember they cook for 12 minutes at 400.” He reminded and headed out. Steve went to the phone as the door to his house shut. Why couldn’t he let go of the Hellfire club?
@zerokrox-bloglog @cyranyxx @adaed5 @the-redthreadd @lifeisnotsobadonceyoustopcaringceyoustopcaring @idontgetpaidenoughforthisshitorthisshit @failedstarsandgoldencloudsds @bisexualdisastersworldd @deadlydodoss @anythingyouwanttobee @nburkhardtt @bestwifehaverr @thehumblefigtreee @megzdoodlee @swimmingbirdrunningrockk @mightbeasleepp @bxlthazarar @autumnal-dawnn @nelotegreitic @chillichatss @nonbinary-eddie-munsonon @the-daydreamer-in-the-cornerner @eddie-munson-is-my-wifewife @a-little-unsteddiedie
(Sorry if I missed any of you!!! Please remind me if I did!)
(No actual Steddie but just some good old CC content. I want more than just Steve and Eddie to become friends. I want the whole CC to adopt the jock<3<3)
#stranger things#season 2 au#steve needs a hug#steve harrington#steddie#corroded coffin#i love these idiots#king steve#hellfire club#i wrote this instead of the actual story i'm working on#i hate tagging#bro im so tired#the fallen king and the king of the freaks
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I don’t remember if I ever properly established this, but Red does actually help out a bit while he’s alive. It uh, doesn’t last.
Continuation of this
#dhmis#don't hug me i'm scared#two of us AU#two of us!David#two of us!Red#two of us!Duck#art#digital art#comic#Sorry if this is bad lol I spent forever on it and now I'm tired#there was a part of the exchange I had to cut cus it was getting to long but I still really like#right after red said 'so you're just going to kill someone everytime you need a new puppet?'#'for the last time I haven't killed anybody!'#'fine. KIDNAPPING. Thats not better!'#'it is a little better'#'DAVID'
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Blacked out. Wet Irish hug
BIG WET RAT HUG!!!!! :D
Oooooo I forgot how cool your new sona looks!!! I need to try and draw them when I have my energy back again :3c And I love how you draw my little guy he looks so cute in your style ;-;
#Ask#Pigeonstab#Aaaaaaa thank you ;-;#I'm still tired from work even tho I was only there for 6 hours but I'm !!!!!!!!!!!!!#THIS IS SO CUTE#And that's what it would be like too!!#One big ratatouille-ass bear hug#I love this so much I need to save this on my phone so I can look at it when I need energy#Thank you Pigeon you're always so sweet and nice to me <3#Framing this and putting it in my local museum
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So, my mom was telling me how much free time I have, and I was like, "I have no freetime wth do you mean?????" And I just wanna see if this is like. A normal way to think of things?
Things I need to do:
Finish reading icebound land
Make a whole lotta art that I promised people
Research study abroad programs
At least one Dutch lesson a day
Keep my room clean
Talk to my friends so they know I love them (and so I don't go insane)
My math homework
Keep myself clean (showers, finally brushing my teeth after months, etc etc) so I don't go insane
Eat at 7pm
Various things I enjoy as to not go insane
All from 6pm to 9 pm, every day, after being at school from 8 am to 3:30 pm and then The Public (teen center) from 3:30 to 5:30, and I need to be in bed by 9:30 and asleep by 10:00
So, basically, I'm "on the clock" from 7 am (When I start getting ready for school) until 9 pm, with no breaks
But yeah no I totally have free time. Yeaup
#“but you never actually do that stuff! you just sit and scroll!”#yeah cause if I'm not doing what I need to I'm not Allowed to do anything else#but I'm just. too tired. to do what I need yo#I hate high school#rambles#adhd#executive dysfunction#<- I've heard that this kinda mental math can be a symptom of those things? idk#im so tired#burnout#adhd burnout#(????? I think????)#high school#I'm just so tired of all of this#the sun is going down way too early and I barely speak at all at school and I never finish work early anymore and the teen center is loud#and I still want to be active in the fandom but I don't have time to make posts anymore#and I don't have any in person friends anymore and I don't know when the last time I got a hug was#and I'm just. so. tired. my room is clean and I have good grades and I talk to my friends everyday and I shower routinely#why the hell am I so stressed#I do everything I'm supposed to do#I just want to go somewhere else man#The Netherlands hopefully#I wanna actually DO something#go on a trip for band#not just finish the work put in front of me day after day after day after day#I wasn't built for this shit#I'm so fucking tired
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One-shot Prompt
Fandom: BSD -Bungo Stray Dogs
Ship: Soukoku
Prompt:“Why are you awake?” “I could ask you the same thing.”
TW: mentions of self-harm, suicidal thoughts/idealization, vague mentions of an eating disorder but not specified, self-deprecating thoughts
A/N: Also posted on my ao3, you can find the link on my master list
After being together for a few months and going on cheesy expensive dates, at the expense of Chuuya’s wallet, Dazai moved in with Chuuya. And slowly, with Chuuya’s help, Dazai was getting better. He still slacked off at the office, primarily just to annoy Kunikida, but he was getting more sleep and Chuuya did his best to get Dazai to eat at least three times a day even if it was small; something was better than nothing, as Chuuya had put it.
That doesn’t mean it always worked out, of course. There were still days when Dazai struggled to eat anything at all. And there were nights like tonight where, even within the comforting warmth of Chuuya’s arms, Dazai couldn’t seem to fall asleep.
His thoughts were a little too loud tonight, it seemed. Normally, there would have been signs the previous days; signs of Dazai slipping back towards the darkness. However, this time, it seemed to come onto him suddenly, and worst of all, after Chuuya had already slipped into unconsciousness. And though Chuuya hadn’t said anything of work being tiring, Dazai could tell it had been tough. Nothing Chuuya couldn’t handle... but it certainly left him more exhausted than usual.
Dazai would… feel bad, if he woke him up now. Chuuya did so much for him. He cooked for him, he made sure Dazai was showering, and even if Dazai couldn’t get himself to shower, Chuuya would take a bath with him to compromise. When Dazai felt disgusted by his own body, Chuuya was there to kiss every single inch of his body with affirmations pressed into his skin.
And Dazai did what? What did he ever do for Chuuya? Nothing. All he ever did was burden Chuuya with all his emotional crap.
So, no. No, he wasn’t going to wake up Chuuya for something he should be able to handle by himself. He had handled it for the four years he was gone, he could do it again. Although, handle was probably the wrong word. He handled it by ignoring it. He handled it with his… self destructive habits…
He wouldn’t. He couldn’t ruin all of Chuuya’s hard work. Chuuya had kept him from harming himself since they got together almost a year ago now.
Chuuya would surely be mad if he ruined it now.
Dazai slipped himself out of Chuuya’s grasp and out of the covers of their bed. With silent steps, he made his way over to the balcony, swiftly opening the sliding door before closing it behind himself.
He hissed as his bare feet hit the freezing ground of the balcony deck. It was the middle of the night, probably sometime around 2 or 3 in the morning by now, if Dazai had to guess. The autumn air was crisp and beginning to grow colder as the end of the year creeped up on them.
Dazai breathed out softly, watching it fog up in the temperature difference.
He leaned against the railing, watching the city lights of Yokohama at night below him. Every so often, a car would pass below and his eyes would subconsciously follow it into the distance.
This did nothing to stop his racing mind, but made him far colder than he was before. He was tempted to retreat back into the comfort of Chuuya’s arms, but something kept him from doing so.
He looked down.
It was far.
No human could possibly survive a fall that far.
Chuuya could.
Dazai couldn’t.
His fingers twitched where they were on the railing. His hand closed around the railing.
No.
His hand shook, clasped around the freezing metal.
His mind drowned out the sound of the city around him.
His thoughts were screaming in his mind.
It was loud, a cacophony of sounds. Thoughts.
“Why are you awake?”
Dazai’s eyes widen. His hand gripping even tighter around the metal. His body betrayed no other signs of his shock. He didn’t turn around.
“I could ask you the same thing.”
“The bed grew cold without a certain clingy mackerel occupying the other side.”
A soft sigh sounded behind him before warm hands found their way around his waist.
“Couldn’t sleep?”
“Yeah.”
“If you’re not up to talk right now, that’s fine, but lets go back inside.” Chuuya spoke, his words pressed into Dazai’s back as a kiss accompanied them. “You’re shivering.”
Was he? He hadn’t even noticed.
He unclasped his hand from the freezing metal.
Chuuya let his hands fall to his side and already Dazai missed their warmth.
Dazai silently followed Chuuya inside. He slipped back under the covers, letting Chuuya close the door before joining him.
“Do you wanna talk about it?”
Dazai shifted closer to Chuuya, letting his head rest against Chuuya’s chest. He listened to Chuuya’s heartbeat for a moment as Chuuya’s arms wrapped around his waist.
Dazai’s voice was quiet as he spoke into Chuuya’s chest. “Tomorrow?”
He could feel the soft sigh that left Chuuya. “Tomorrow.”
A hand left Dazai’s waist from under the covers to run though his hair. Dazai let out a soft, content, sigh at the fingers in his hair.
“Try and get some sleep for me, ‘kay princess?”
Dazai felt his cheeks heat up at the pet name, burying his face further into Chuuya’s chest in response.
“I love you.”
“Love you too, princess.”
Dazai is a princess who loves to be spoiled rotten and no one can change my mind, and of course, who better than Chuuya to fulfill his need to be taken care of?
I'm going to ignore the fact that me writing Dazai being taken care of is just me coping 🙃
#chuuya x dazai#dazai x chuuya#dazai bsd#chuuya bsd#bsd#bsd fanfic#comfort#dazai needs a hug#bungo stray dogs#fluff#fluff?#idk i guess#i'm tired#I'm going to ignore my blatant projecting#i need dazai to be happy so i can be happy#soukoku#soukoku fluff#soukoku fluff gives me life#dazai typical suicide mentions#and idalization#it's fine#chuuya's there to help him#One-shot Prompt
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Starting to wonder if the reason I was so against dating for so long was bc I was fuckin gay this whole time so ofc boys had 0 temptation to me
#rotating the lesbian master doc around in my head like a microwave#sable speaks#nonsense#the doc made so much sense?? and like so many things clicked wtf?#anyways now that I'm like almost completely sure im lesbian idk it's triggered something in my silly brain#and i actually?? want to date for once? like would be genuinely interested in a romantic relationship?#what the fuck#but also maybe i am just really tired and need more hugs because that js also a thing#<- creature who needs daily physical affection to survive and thrive#anyways#kinda nervous saying anything out loud abt this but im too tired to let that stop me lol
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why do all the edgy content about cancer is being thrown at me tonight LOL i need a breaaaak
#saw a yt short 'your blood test came back you have cancer' fake story with a quirky e-girl type trying to look pretty while faking sick#and it's may soon so i'll be insane about the 4 years of my mom's passing#i have been dreaming of my mom for 2 months#sometimes nightmares sometimes normal dreams.#i am so so so so so tired. and i'm sad#cancer tw#parental death tw#i need a hug and idk....something
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Not to continue my recent trend of oversharing on tumblr dot com, but I am very much struggling not to feel like I'm doing everything in my entire life wrong at present
#normal things to think after your doctor tells you you need to get a blood test re-taken bc you mistimed your dose#I'm just. I'm tired man.#I've been putting off a phone call for two months#i spend every day lately torn between do I need to go to hospital or am I just unfit and anxious#I rot and decay when left alone but also people are Too Much#I want to Create but I can't get started and when I do I'm just so disappointed with whatever I make#I'm exhausted but I'm awake at 4am bc if i go to sleep tomorrow will start and I'll have to do this all again#and I need so fucking badly for someone to just crush me so hard in a really long hug until my bones realign#and i need to find past me shake her by the shoulders and yell “you're fine! you'll be fine! cut your hair! eat your greens!#take up swimming and also some new pronouns! no one else will respect em but they're for YOU and so is the health stuff#please for the love of fucking god just look after yourself better than i did!“#there's toooooo many fuckin holes in this sinking ship#I need a full body MOT and then to be cradled against the chest of a large gentle man for 12-36 hours#mr. bees speaks
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Magenta 😟
#I've had cognitive impairment from covid before but not to where i feel intellectually dumb when i write#my college papers and my writing projects dont sound like “me” as of late#its very bare bones and doesn't have the descriptiveness or humanity i normally give#like i see the scenes or what i want to say in my head#but what i type aint matching up#and yeah i naturally get into slumps like that but this is like that slump x 9000#I'm kinda scared this round might've given me brain damage#havent been feeling all the way like myself#but i also know too that covid takes a while to heal from and of course theres long covid shit which ive dealt with before#im just frustrated guys#i feel like within the last 3 to 4 months i finally healed from my last bout of rona#and i get it again and im back to square one#i just want to write and feel okay with it and not feel so stuck just trying to come up with a basic sentence#seriously even writing basic shit is hard right now#it took me a week to get 5 pages on duality#and im used to churning out at least 10 pages on my projects at minimum every couple days to a week#man give me chronic pain anyday but don't take away my mind and the freedom that comes with that#sorry guys im feeling sad#i know i gotta give myself time but im impatient#i hate how right before i caught covid again i was gonna get my flu shot and an updated covid vax#wish i could've avoided this crud#having weird chest shit too#was a heart thing now its gerd now its potentially back to a heart thing#im tired#i need a hug#i love you 🫂💙#magenta is my vent word
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i just want someone to hug me and say that it's okay, you did your best, wrap me in a blanket and sit with me while i fall asleep
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#sadgirl#spilled feelings#spilled ink#spilled thoughts#sad quotes#sad poem#sad thoughts#tw depressing stuff#sorry for being depressing#depressing shit#quote#kinda depressing#depressing quotes#tw depressing thoughts#words words words#i need a hug#i need sleep#lost in my mind#im cryin#im fine#im so tired#im dying#imperfection#i'm not okay#i'm tired#i'm sorry#i'm so tired
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it's been a while since i've cried hard enough to have a headache but. sure got there today, babes!
#ghost speaks#personal#ripped my favorite tights i've had for 5+ years and can't replace#can't return my glasses#got ptsd triggered by going past my old church because i took a wrong turn because i was. crying about not being able to return my glasses#have been crying for a solid 40 minutes straight#am still incredibly aware of how isolated and lonely i am#my parents are on vacation so i won't see a friendly face or get a hug till sunday night at the earliest#just. doing BAD#(well. there is the faint hope that the office manager will take pity on me since her office literally cannot manufacture lenses#that will meet my needs)#(but considering i spent a lot of the last hour yelling and begging out loud trying to work out a maximally sympathetic pitch)#(and also dreading 1-2 years of not having transition lenses because theirs fuck with my color vision)#(i'm not sure the hope makes things. better?)#i am gonna. make hot chocolate because it sounds like a marginal improvement over crying without that#the last time i couldn't stand up or i'd start crying harder was yesterday but boy did i not miss it#i thought i might feel better in the morning. ha. ha ha. ha#(like i know this is temporary i'm just. i just. i am so tired and SO stupidly ridiculously incredibly upset)#(like my emotional equilibrium right now is. not)
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I love aki.... I want him to hold me.......
#I'm so exhausted...#I just wanted to stay in bed today#it feels like this week I haven't had the energy for anything#I want aki to comfort me#I need him to hug me tight and warm and tell me everything will be alright#before I implode today#I'm tired of people and everything#hhhhhhhhhhhh h aki...... aaaaki......
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(tw vent post, discussion of sh & suicide)
Well. The question now becomes do I count this as relapsing or the worlds most botched attempt.
Like it was barely even an attempt they're so fucking shallow. Some aren't even as deep as I normally go. I had the thought in mind but I knew I wouldn't go thru with it. Like the goal wasn't just sh but that's all I expected it to be yknow. Idk man. Like. It feels more intense than just my normal sh but it was hardly anything worth even acknowledging it was such a nothingburger. Like on any other day I wouldn't even think twice abt it, and I Knew that's what it was gonna be. But this wasn't that even tho it was. Idk. It's so fucking embarrassing to be like 'yeah I wanna kms. No I didn't go deep why do u ask'. Bcuz it just feels like I'm making it all up for attention. And like part of me does want attention, I just want to be fucking acknowledged for once in my fucking life, but that's not why I do this. Nobody fucking knows I do this, or that I just did that, or any of it. Idfk.
#again. the problem is that I know it's just these fucking meds. so I don't wanna act on it. but it's so fucking strong I feel like I have to#idk man I'm so tired and upset and I wish I could just commit to one side or the other. am I gonna do it or not. yknow#I think I need a fuckin hug dude#which is saying smth coming from my touch-averse ass#armchair speaks#tw implied self harm#tw self harm#tw implied suicide#tw suicide mention
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I knew teaching at a bigger school would be difficult but I didn't know I would be so affected by the kids...
I treat the 8th graders like high schoolers (I always have), like a LOT of them are already super tall and already looking the part. A few days ago when the teacher in charge of lunch detention came by, I gave the name of the noisiest kid. This kid, still being his noisy self, gets up and says 'oh its not fair' etc, but when he looks at me, he looks like he's abt to cry 🤡 and I immediately am like 'Or you can promise me not to disrupt class tomorrow and I won't send you' which he obviously accepts
Meanwhile, I'm also spending my days waiting for this one kid to smile at me again at some point or else I can't let go of my guilt of sending him to the principals office ;_; i feel like I betrayed him and he'll never smile at me again 😢 When he had come back from the office his face was red and his eyes were all watery and he was trying his best not to cry and like... I feel so gutted man to see that especially because they don't look like babies anymore.
I know they've just become teenagers and every emotion is so big and everything feels like the end of the world and I cannot bear to see these kids about to cry, especially not because of something I did. But at the same time they're the ones refusing to sit down and can't hear anything I'm trying to teach because the rest of the class is being so loud, and distracting. I can't just do nothing about that! Or else how will they pass the standardized exam at the end of the year? Sigh.
#Turns out the saga is not over turns out im just a big softie who can do nothing#either I melt and can't discipline them#or I myself am abt to cry from frustration#smh#this is too difficult of a puzzle (and too emotional tbh im so tired)#I wish I could give them hugs lowkey but skjdfa that's inappropriate#like u know when u send little kids to time out you always give them a hug afterward?#so they don't feel like you're doing this because you hate them#and tbh teenagers prob need the most hugs#My little 4th graders from years ago have hugged me until I started believing in the power of hugs#its a shame that I'm teaching 8th grade now where I can't use that power#sucks to have physical tough as a love language (giving) in situations like this#teaching struggles#💭.txt
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