#but also maybe i am just really tired and need more hugs because that js also a thing

[gayafsowhat]

Starting to wonder if the reason I was so against dating for so long was bc I was fuckin gay this whole time so ofc boys had 0 temptation to me

[mendesbadrepuation]

More Than A Game // Shawn Mendes *Assistant Series* Part 3

Part 1 Part 2

Warning this part actually kinda sucks and maybe terrible? yeah um I am sorry for this shitty writing lol. Next few parts get a little better. I hope so lol. 

〰️〰️〰️〰️

Shawn was expected to appear at the after party once his performance was over. He’d do a quick change and head over to the private party. I was never one to go to those parties so I sure didn’t plan on it now.

What does he mean. This isn’t over?

If there is more to that kiss then I know that I won’t be able to stop myself or him. I couldn’t think straight after that kiss. It’s been 10 minutes and I’m still scrambling around trying to gather myself. Shawn was finishing up his performance and I could feel my heartbeat picking up. I managed to get all of mine and Shawn’s things together even with a fuzzy head.

“Shawn great as always.” I hear people around us greeting him as they usually do after his shows. I kept my back turned to him so I could keep my focus in check.

“Thank you.” He mumbles quickly and I could feel his eyes staring at me from behind. Remain calm you freakin assistant!

I felt his large hand go to my waist and he had his lips close to my head. “Can I skip that after party?” Shawn asks and his voice was so dark.

“You and I both know that you can’t. Just go for an hour and you can join the rest of us on the plane. You know the drill.” I tell him like I’m the boss of him. Sometimes I pretty much am.

“Just so you know. It’s only you and me on that plane. Andrew has to fly in later.” Shawn squeezes my waist and walks back into his dressing room. I let out a deep breath I didn’t know I was holding in.

~~~

My heels clicked against the pavement of the blacktop as I carried my things over to the plane. I was alone and I’ll be honest I was starting to get really cold.

“Miss. Your things are on the plane and you have privacy to change. Shawn will be arriving soon.” The nice man in a black tux tells me before I walk up the steps into the private jet. I thank him and make my way on.

In my bag I had a outfit picked out for tonight. A pair of shorts, a simple t shirt, and a light hoodie. I step out of my dress and put my shorts on. I was facing away from the doors when I heard footsteps. I quickly put my t shirt on and turn around.

Shawn was standing next to the door. I suddenly heard the jets starting to fire and I knew we were about to take off. I notice that the buttons on his shirt are open and it was also untucked. His hair was falling from his gel he put in earlier but it made his curls just even more beautiful.

“We need to talk about some things.” Shawn says as he stares at me.

“I’m listening.” I take a seat and pull my legs up criss cross. Shawn takes a seat in front of me and puts his elbows on his knees so he was leaning closer to me.

“Y/n. I’ve known you for 4 months now. In that time you have become so many things to me. I don’t know how you do it or what you have done to me but I can’t stop thinking about you.” He confesses right in front of me. “It’s moments like we have right now that make me feel grounded. Yes I’m on a private jet. But looking at you in your shorts and an old t shirt just makes my heart pound. You’re so beautiful in anything. I’m sure even more beautiful with nothing.” Shawn winks at me smoothly and I felt a blush creep on my face.

“But Shawn. Let’s be real here for a moment. I’m your assistant. I don’t think it’s very professional for us to be involved in a different way.” I say truthfully. I was worried about my job and my reputation.

“Y/n I don’t care what they say. You are obviously more than an assistant to me. It’s been 4 months and I’ve well-well- I’ve fallen hard for you. I know that’s like crazy for even me to say but I can’t deny the way I feel about you. I just can’t.” He reaches over and takes my hands from my lap.

“Shawn I can’t deny they way you make me feel. You give me butterflies just by looking at me with those puppy brown eyes. You’re the only one who takes notice on my daily appearance. And honestly you’re the first guy in my life to ever jump the gun on admitting how they feel.” I intertwine our fingers and look deep into Shawn’s eyes. “Are you sure you’re not jumping into this too quick? I am just your lousy assistant Shawn. And quite frankly I really like my job.”

“Will you just let it play out for now? At least give me a try. I’ll prove it to you that this isn’t just some fling for me. If something happens and it goes completely wrong I’ll make sure you keep your job and everything will remain the same. I swear to you. But please. Give me a chance?” Shawn was almost on his knees begging for me. I was in shock from all of his words. How could he have fallen for me like that? I mean seriously me??

Watching him beg like that took a toll on my heart. It opened up this gate that I was very cautious about keeping closed. Some how he found the key and just walked on through.

“I’m willing to try it.” I smile and Shawn jumps from his seat. In a split second he cups my face and places his lips onto mine in a very passionate kiss. I wrap my arms around his neck and he pulls me up from my waist. He takes my legs and wraps them around his waist all while we managed to keep the kissing going. (This is practically impossible but with Shawn Mendes I think he could do it easily. I’m js)

Our bodies, our minds, and ourselves wanted each other like no other. That’s where the passion came from. Because we both needed this in our lives. We’ve had tension between us for so long and now it’s here.

Shawn falls back into the two seats and I situated myself on his lap. His hands roamed everywhere around my body. He was careful on his placements because he knew he didn’t want to push any limits. We just wanted our lips on each other’s in this moment. We wanted to know that feeling and never wanted that tingling to go away.

“Shawn” I take a deep breath and lean my forehead against his. I watch his chest rise and fall as I focused to catch my breath. I put my hand on his bare chest and could feel his fast beating heart.

“I’m crazy about you.” He whispers and I notice his swollen lips from so much contact. I could see the warm pink tint on his cheeks that I found so beautiful on him.

“Don’t forget. I am just your assistant.” I joke to him and he cracks a smile. He leans up and places a soft kiss on my forehead.

For a while I sat in his lap and just talked to him. We’ve picked up on things about each other so now it was just to fill in those gaps. There was so many stories that I shared and he shared. Eventually I got up so he could change out of his nicer clothes. He came back in with his sweats and a plain t shirt. The shirt was black so he looked slimmer but it also hugged his muscles perfectly.

“We should get some sleep before we land. You’ve got a long day ahead of you.” I point out and Shawn starts to curl up in the seat next to me. His head leaned against my thigh and he turned his music on to relax. Once it gets quiet enough and I know he’s drifted off to sleep I start to relax myself. I had work to catch up on and to finalize things for this festival he was performing at tomorrow night.

I pull out my MacBook and begin to type softly so I’m careful not to wake him. At one point he shifts in his sleep and puts his head up higher on my thigh. I feel my heart ache at how amazing he looked just sleeping. This wasn’t the first time he’s done this. He would always fall asleep near me and I sure didn’t mind. His warmth was very comforting.

My fingers brush through his hair softly and before I knew it he had soft snores coming from him. I finish up the last thing and shut down my laptop. The jet was quiet and dark. I take some blankets out and lay one over Shawn, then myself. I curl up in the seat the best way I can. I always made Shawn get the longer seat so he can stretch out and get plenty of rest. I was smaller so I could curl up if I needed to. His health was way more important anyways.

I felt Shawn cuddle up under the blanket and he moves his hand. It roams around until it lands on my leg. His hand took up the length of my leg and he wraps it around and snuggles into my side. I drift off to sleep faintly hearing John Mayer playing from Shawn’s headphones.

~~~~~~~

My body bolts awake when the jet hits some turbulence. I hated sleeping on these things and I never got enough sleep. Shawn still was snuggled close to me and I’m surprised I didn’t even disturb him.

I look up and see the co captain walking towards us. “We are landing in about 20 minutes Ms.” I thank him and he returns back into his area. I get up gently, careful not to disturb Shawn, so he could get as much sleep as possible. I gather everything up and put my stuff and some of Shawn’s things in my back pack. Shawn had all his stuff already gathered so I find my seat next to him again.

“Shawn.” I whisper softly as I lift one of his headphones out. He stirs around and I watch him inhale deeply. I rub his chest softly to just slowly wake him up. It’s something that I learned with him so he would be less grouchy about waking up. He was a bear one time for the whole day from the way I woke up him. It was very bad and I told myself to never let that happen again.

“We’re about to land.” I say a little louder so he knows he needs to seriously be getting up. This is the time where me and him will do our morning things and spend a bit with ourselves. He gets a chance to connect with his fans through some social media and I generally check up on things. It was a weird thing but both of us enjoyed it.

I place my earphones in and shuffle one of my favorite morning playlists. We had a busy day ahead of us between interviews and performances it would get so hectic so fast. I was tired from not getting very much sleep but I pushed through it.

When the plane lands we make our way through the airport. I kept my eyes focused on my phone as Shawn stopped here and there to greet his fans.

I had on a pair of black leggings with a short white vans shirt. My black ray ban sunglasses were on to cover up the bags under my eyes. My hair was still lightly curled from the night before. After putting myself out for the public I have to keep myself presentable most of the time. The sunglasses we’re just extra precaution so I showed no weakness.

“Y/N!” A group of people shout my name and I glance up from my phone. There was a herd of people running towards me and they had their hands flailing around everywhere. My heart beat quickens as I stare at them in shock. What the hell do I do? Run?

Before I have time to react they already swarmed around me. I suck in a deep breath and remember everything Shawn told me to do. Simply smile and say hi with the sweetest voice ever. But he said it was easy for me because my smile is always beautiful and my voice sounds like an angel.

I take pictures with a bunch of people and greet them. All of them said very nice things to me and some secretly whispered “I ship you and Shawn together.” Oh if they only knew.

“Alright everyone needs to back up.” One of our security guys break between the group of people to get to me. I felt Shawn’s hand land on my back so he can almost guard me. My breathing picks up from so much going on in one moment. People were pushing and shoving trying to get between Shawn and I. The security guard pushes us to break out of the crowd. We begin walking fast through the crowds to get away and for safety precautions.

We make our way through the airport quickly and Shawn’s hand never left my back. If it wasn’t on my back then it was around my waist. It was sweet that he was so protective, but I knew how to be around these crowds. I’ve been doing it for 4 months now. Then it hit me how he has always been this way. Every time we’re around these crowds he has been by my side guarding me from any danger.

There it was. The butterflies and the heart flutters. A smile creeps up on my face as we got into our car that was taking us to Shawn’s first interview of the day.

“What are you smiling about over there?” Shawn says as he notices me being all giddy.

“Just thinking about how amazing you are.” Shawn’s cheek turn a bright shade of pink and he reaches over grabbing my hand. He brings my hand up to his lips and gently kisses the top of it.

“You’re more amazing.” I watch Shawn pull out of his phone. He had a picture of me and him as his lock screen. It was one from last night that the media had captured. It was the time he spun me around and made me laugh. His smile was so full and you could see the sparkle in his eyes as he looked at me.

Why did everything feel so right with him? 

[fatrainbowmermaidunicorn]

Lost In Japan (Jimin x You)

A/N: this idea just popped in my head while I am taking a bath, and I rushed through my skincare routine just so I can jot this down 😂 anyway, I am going to combined this request with another. This being part one and the other part two. but it can also be read as a oneshot. I had wanted to do a story based on this song ever since I heard it (Lost In Japan by Shawn Mendes) bcs it just reminds me of the feeling you get at night on your holidays when you are just strolling around after a long day of exploring the city and met someone exciting ❤ and I dont know from what country you are anon, and I am not from Japan either, its just based on this song so you can imagine elsewhere ❤ Sorry if this is not what you have in mind

MASTERLIST

A/N : And also, I’m trying a new thing here and you are in no way obligated to do it but if any of you like my stories and want to give some support, why not buy me a coffee? ☕💜

A/N: I cant just keep a good thing to myself, so for those who are looking for a variety and affordable BTS and KPOP merchandise. visit this link right here okay

"Ahhh finally!" Jimin dropped his carry on on the floor and lie down in the middle of the bed, spreading out as wide as he can after taking off his stuffy jacket and mask. Airport arrivals are fun. Fun seeing their fans coming out all the way just to catch a glimpse of them and to welcomed them to their country. But as much as it is fun, it is also damn tiring. Especially when they are mobbed by crazy fans. Jimin is thankful he and his brothers managed to get out from the commotion as fast as they could and arrived safely at the hotel. And he is more thankful that they  have individual rooms now.

Dont get him wrong. Sharing a room with Taehyung or Jungkook or even one of his hyungs are fun. Theres someone he can talk to and do fun vlive clips with, but sometimes he needs some space without anyone breathing down his neck too. Times like this, where he juat want to rest his tired body.

Japan.

A country they are so familiar with already.

Two days of concert here and three days of free days for him and his brothers to roam about before they fly back to Korea for their other schedules.

Jimin cant wait to shop, sightsee and of course eat. He had learn long ago to treat every tour like a vacation in order to make the whole journey less tiring, more fun and less stressed. Just like what the others told him, it doesnt matter as long as they have fun performing, their fans will surely have fun with them too.

But Jimin can feel that something more exciting is going to happen this time.

He can just feel it.

/////

"Y/N, YOU WILL NOT BELIEVE THIS!"

Y/N calmly look up from the table shes wiping. Shes so used to her bestfriend yapping around like crazy. She used to get excited at first, but now, she learns that its better fir her to actually hear the news first. Mika can get super excited about a rock for all she knows.

"What is it that I wont believe Mika?" Y/N laughs. Thank god the cafe she works in has less customer today.

"BTS is coming! For a two days concert!" Mika shrieked.

"Okay... and?" She give her friend a short glimpse and turn back to her task.

"And?! What do you mean and?!" Mika went around and shakes her shoulders.

"Mika, they come here fir a concert every year! Sometimes even twice a year. Its not really a huge news," Y/N rolls her eyes.

"Oh right, I forgot," she giggles.

"You forgot they have a tour here every year? Every year that you become crazy everytime its announced?" Y/N eyed her friend, tapping her foot.

"No. I forgot about the news that you will not believe. The great news is...." she paused for dramatic effect before jumping and yelling, almost breaking Y/N's eardrum. "I got us two VIP tickets and a special fansign invite for both days! Both! Aaaahhhhhh!"

"Oh, thats great Mika! No wonder you are excited!" Y/N's smile grew. Mika has been trying to get tickets every year but she never made it. Online or physically lining up, she never gets the chance to get one. Y/N wonders how hard she work to get the tickets this time.

"Well, arent you?" Mika looks at her weirdly. "I know you are an ARMY too. And arent you excited? You can actually meet them, and converse with them! What if they fall in love with one of us?!" Mika exclaimed, already excited at the thought.

"Well, I am an ARMY," Y/N laughs at her friends cuteness. "But I only like them as a talented idol Mika. I dont even know what to talk to them about. And falling in love?" She giggles. "That only happens in fan fictions my friend. They will most probably already forget about you once the next fan came in view," she shakes her head and continue to clean the table, making Mika pouts.

"Sometimes I hate how practical you are. Cant you just let me dream a little?" She crosses her arm across her chest. "But still, you are coming with me right? Riggght?"

"Well, if you are willing to take me, then of course Mika," Y/N grins. "Of course I'll go with you. Who knows, maybe one of them will really fall in love with me," she giggles at the ridiculous statement.

Or she thought so.

/////

"Lets go people. We can do this!" Namjoon calls out behind the curtains, a few minutes before they are meeting their lucky fans who won the fansign event. After some peptalk and group hugs they went out and start the event.

The crowd is packed and loud, as usual. Girls screaming out their names and waving, trying to get their attention. Each of them did they usual routine, smiling, asking basic questions, answering the questions given to them, making aegyo, handshakes, posing for photos, wearing cute headbands and all sorts of fan service. Jimin is enjoying his time meeting his fan. He loves the attention they gives him and he appreciate all the support they gave to him all these years.

"Next!" The security calls out so the line will move as the fans switched to the next members. Jimin reaches out for the album and booklet in front of him, still looking down at thr album, flipping to the post-it where he should place his signature. But the post-it came empty, its just there as a mark to where he should place his signature. Iy seems the fan has no questions for him, which is a first. Their fans always have multiple questions for them to answer

"No question?" He looks up and immediately stopped blinking. In front of him stood the most beautiful angel he has ever since. Well, shes an angel to him, at least as everyone else seems to be perfectly normal.

"N-no question to ask?" He stuttered and mentally slapping himself. Shit, what is wrong with me. You are Park Jimin, composed yourself!

"Oh," she laughs, the most beautiful sound Jimin has ever heard. "No. Just an autograph will do,"

"Uh.. o-okay," with shaky hands Jimin put down his signature. God, what is wrong with me. I have met so many girls before and I am never like this. Calm down Park Jimin, composed yourself before she thinks you are weird. Come on, say something!

Jimin look around at the laughing fans by around him, talking to to the other members, talking to Taehyung and Jungkook, who is on his right and left side and he realized how quiet and awkward he is with this fan.

"O-oh right. I am Jimin. Whats your name?" Introducing yourself at your own fansign? Are you stupid Park Jimin?

She giggles.

And Jimin's heart skipped a beat. How unusual.

"I know you are Jimin. How can I come here and not know you," she leans forward to a whispering gesture, making Jimin's heart thumped faster at her close proximity. "ARMYs will kill me if I dont," she giggles more and leans back to her normal position in front of him. "And my name is Y/N,"

Jimin smile. How bold. How interesting. And what a name. Beautiful. Just like her.

"And Y/N.. how come you have no questions to ask? Arent ARMYs always curious?" He taps her post it to show the blank paper and Y/N shakes her head.

"No. Not really," she smiles. "Nothing that I want to know,"

"Just nothing for me or for everyone?" Jimin feels the need to ask. He felt like he needs to know if Y/N is just not interested in him or she really doesnt have a question for everyone.

"Well, its not just you. I dont have a question for everyone," Y/N's smile got bigger. Jimin raised an eyebrow curiously.

"Oh? And why is that?"

"Well, because everything you are allowed to tell me, it will be published in the news, or articles or something anyway. And if I asked you a real question, you wont be allowed to answer truthfully anyway. Isnt that right?" she laughs. "So no. No questions,"

Jimin was stunt. Never has anyone ever throw that cold hard truth to his face. Its true. Whatever they are showing and potraying in public, the character that they show, all of it is something that they want their fans to see. There are still parts of them that their fans doesnt know. A part of them, rhat is the real them that they didnt show the world. Mouth agape, Jimin looks at Y/N's face, not knowing what else to say.

His gut js right. Jimin is right, fron the moment he looks up to her face, he knew theres definitely something special about her.

"Well, whats your real question?" Jimin finally find his voice and the bravery he needed.

"When you are allowed to answer it, then I'll ask about it," she giggles, just in time for the security to shout next, and Y/N waves a hand and move aside before Jimin could say anything else. Y/N move to Taehyung, leaving Jimin speechless, and fascinated.

Y/N... hmmm.. his feelings is right then. Japan is going to be interesting this time around.

/////

Jimin knew he is going to see Y/N again at the concert. Everyone who attends the fanmeet has a VIP ticket, which is a particularly small section that is made special for them right in front of the stage. He is sure if he look hard enough, he will see her. Shes too beautiful, and too special to him now for Jimin not to notice.

And sure enough, the moment their went on stage, Jimin saw her face, smiling brightly with her Army bomb in hand, giggling with her friend. A surge or energy runs through him. Jimin suddenly feels like he needs to do the very best tonight, no, extra best tonight. He needs to show her that he is Jimin, and he is up here, looking at her  and apprently, only at her.

Jimin never kept her eyes off her, which is a little hard to do considering he needs to sing and dance and converse with his fans, well, other fans too. And its a stranger feeling for him, when a pang of jealousy hits him hard when he saw Y/N waving and taking photos of Taehyung, jumping and singing along to the other members' part.

What the hell is wrong with me? Shes a fan! She didnt pay for the tickets only to see you alone Jimin.

Without realizing, Jimin suddenly feek the need to futher make his existabce known. Known to Y/N. And keeping his eyes only on her, he starts to show off his dancing skills, making extra sexy moves and flirty gestures, which of course, make the packed stadium roared with cheers but reveiving weird looks from the other members.

It doesnt matter.

The crowd. The music. The members.

What matters is that if this will make Y/N looks at him, it was all worth it.

At least he hope she understand the sign hes trying to tell her.

/////

"Woah, what is wrong with Chim today?" Mika stares at the satge, mouth dropped opened. "I mean, I know he is sexy and all, but thats like being possesed with a sexy spirit or something," she points to Jimin who was grinding on the stage floor. "I dont remember the cheography being like that,"

Y/N shrugs.

"Maybe its a concert only special performance," Y/N justified.

"How are you so calm? He is even looking at you while doing all that. Oh my god, he really is!" Mika jumped, waving her Army bomb with excitement.

"Not at me Mika. My direction. Our direction. He cant even see the crowd with all those blinding lights. And look around you, theres thousand of people here," she laughs. "You think he wouls pick me out from the crowd?"

"Hey, you never know. You personally met him at the fansign. Maybe he remembers you," Mika giggles at how practical her friend. Girl, dream a little!

"Hello," Y/N rolls her eyes. "Everybody here went to the fansign Mika. This is the VIP section!"

"Oh my god. I forgot! Maybe you are right. But hey, its not wrong to imagine!" Mika laughs, Y/N joining her.

"Stop imagining useless things and just enjoy the rest of the concert!" Y/N yells through the noise, laughing. "Besides, its Park Jimin, being sexy and flirty on stage is his thing. I dont think thats anything extra anyway,"

"Okay, okay, you are right. Lets just enjoy this!" Mika grab her shoulders and starts bouncing, waving her Army bomb around. Y/N joins in, singinf along and recording videons of her and Mika, totally not realizing how hard Jimin is trying to wink her way.

/////

"I did everything I can, and she still dont even acknowledge me!" Jimin huffed.

"Are you serious? Shes a fan and you still cant get her to even look at you? Wow Chim, you really have no jams," Namjoon laughs.

"Hyung, its not funny! What do I do?" Jimin grumbled.

"Okay, okay. Lets think. The whole two days. She didnt look at you? At all?" Namjoon inquired, trying to help the younger man.

"Well, she does look at me..," Jimin ponders.

"Okay. Then whats the problem? You did talk to her at the fansign yesterday right? And today? Did you guys hit it off? Did you two share any interest? Maybe you are just not her type. What did you two talked about? Tell me everything from A to Z," Namjoon pulls a chair and sits in front of him, giving Jimin his full attention.

"T-talk?"

"Yeah. Talk. Like what we are doing right now. Hi I'm Jimin, I like you, can I have your number so I can take you out sometime, that kind of thing," Namjoon eyed him carefully.

"W-well... I didnt really talk to her hyung.." Jimin trailed off.

"What do you mean? You get her name. What else did you ask her? You met her twice at a fan sign Chim," Namjoon eyed him curiously.

"Well, at the first meef, I asked her for her name, so I can sign her album. And she explained to me why she dont asks any questiona, and then I blanked out and before I know it, it was already Taehyung's turn," Jimin pouted. "The time is too short for each person!"

"Well, you never complain before!" Namjoon roll her eyes. "Them what about today?"

"T-today?" Jimin stutter nervously as the memory of today's fansign entered his mind.

He was in no mood at all today After the concert on the first day, Jimin was frustrated. Y/N didnt notice him. After the concert she went back like everyone else. She went out so fast he didnt even get the chance to ask security or his managers to call her out. Jimin knew that he wont evenr see her again. Having that in his mind ruin his whole mood.

He went by fan by fan, signing their album and giving small smiles when required. When asked, he only says hes a bit tired and his fans will express their worry and tell him to get some rest. Never would have thought that he would hear the voice again as a a flatten box of their offical light stick and the photocarda were slide in front of him.

"You already sign all my albums and posters yesterday, so this is all I have left for you to sign," Jimin look up to the smiling face of Y/N and he thought hes dreaming.

"Y/N?"

"Yeah," she smile. "Wow, you remembered me!"

"O-of course I do!" Jimin tries to calm himself. "I didnt think you would come again, and both fansigns? Wow,"

"Well," she giggles. "I guess I am your biggest fan. All of you were great last night,"

"Yeah? But you went off so fast!" Jimin pouts and cursed himself for saying that when Y/N gives him a weird look. Now he sounds like a stalker.

"So fast? How did you know?" Y/N asked him curiously. Did Jimin really saw her in the crowd?

"Uh well.. call it intituition," he laughs awkwardly and Y/N just nodded.

"Well..." Y/N looks around, feeling awkward as she waits for the fan in front of Taehyung to move and lets a breath if relief when she does. "Okay, I'll go now,"

"Wait!" Jimin panics. This might be his last chance to have any sort if way to contact her. "Do-you-think-you-can-give-me-"

"And oh, good luck for tonight," Y/N suddenly say at the same time as his word jumble and patted his hand. The moment her hand touched his, eventhough its just a pat and for a second, Jimin blanked out, all his senses gone, heart pumping so rapidly it almost burst out. Bedore he can calm himself down and find words again, the security already shouted next and Y/N quicy waved and move on to Taehyung.

"Both times? Seriously? You blanked out both times??" Namjoon is shrieking out now. "God, you are hopeless!"

"Y-yeah..." Jimin look at his hyung, scared. "Its not my fault she touched my hand hyung!" Jimin try to defend himself.

"Touch Chim. Not even hold. And you have done this with countless fans! Girl fans!" Namjoon is at the brink of giving up.

"But hyunggg," Jimin wailed. "Thise firls are not Y/N! She's so pretty and smart, and not startruck and everything she said to Tae and Kookie are funny and smart then I'm the one who kinda got starstruck..."

"Oh my god, you are a bigger idiot than I thought," Namjoon hissed and slap Jimin's forehead, making him rubbed it  "Okay, fine. But if you barely even talked to her, why are you saying she didnt acknowledge you? I mean... even if she does, which I think she should with your stupidity, she didnt even have a chance to say it, right?"

"But hyungggg, even if I didnt directly say it, its obvious I am flirting with her. And only her!" Jimin answered as if his effort is the most obvious thing in the world.

"Flirt? How?" Namjoon asked, curious on what Jimin meant by flirting if they never even have a proper conversation.

"Didnt you see my extra sexy moves on stage? My winks, my flying kisses, my hip thrusts, how many times I run my hand through my hair, and seductively too if I might add, during these two concert?" Jimin smile proudly.

"Wait, are you saying your little cabaret show this past two nights is you flirting with her?" Namjoon rubs his chin.

"Duhh, of course hyung. What else? I am not a man slut like Kookie who do it for fun hyung,"

"Idiot!" Namjoon slap his head hard this time.  "That is what you call flirting? We thought you were possesed by some strip club ghost or something!"

"Ow hyungg, what the hell??" Jimin rubbed his forehead.

"How the fuck is Y/N supposed to know you are flirting with her when you do that in front of a packed stadium you dimwit? A stadium full of screaming girls too! And you always do those shit, yeah, its a little extra this time, but she will just think you are doing your typical flirting with the crowd thing," Namjoon hissed

"W-what?" Jimin panics. "Do you really think she thinks like that? That I am justsome big flirt to my fans?"

"Duhhh," Namjoon roll his eyes.

"But its all for her!" Jimin wailed.

"She didnt know that dumbass. You should have shown your interest during the fanmeet. Both freaking times!" Namjoon sighed and stands up.

"Wait, where are you going hyung? We are not done yet!" Jimin stands up and follow his hyung like a puppy.

"I am not entertaining this dumb shit. Im going,"

"But what am I going to do?!" Jimin wailed for help.

"Nothing. The concert is over Chim. Just pray that you will see her again," Namjoon shrugs before he leaves the room. "You have three days before we fly back home. Make it count,"

/////

Their free day was filled with sight seeing, shopping and eating. Jimin had fun, yes, but he cant help but feeling down whenever he thought about his lost chance of getting to know Y/N more. He has never been this interested in a woman before, nor has he even felt this kind of amazing chemistry towards a girl. Y/N is special, Jimin know she is. And although he doesnt know for sure if she really is the one for him, but he is sure that he atleast wants to get to know her better. And he wants to see where they will go from there.

"Cheer up hyung! Its only a girl. You will forget her soon. I am sure of it," Jungkook smile and roughly hug his shoulder, dragging him into the anime store. "Atleast your amazing favorite maknae is still here with you,"

"Yeah. Annoying maknae," he laughs. "I am in no mood to look at animes abd robots Kook, and also in no mood to hear you and Tae arguing about whos the better hero or whatever," he looks around the street. "I am going to head there, the coffee shop. Meet me there okay?"

Jungkook shrugs and pulls Taehyung to the store instead as Jimin make his way to the coffeeshop. Securing his mask and cap, he enters and nothing surprised him more than seeing the perfect girl smiling at a customer behind the cashier counter.

Y/N.

/////

"Okay.. if thats Y/N.. why are the three of us hiding behind this huge flower pot like some criminal?" Jungkook asks Jimin in confusion. His hyung rans in panics and drags both him and Taehyung to the coffee shop. And with panting breath, he nervously points towards a girl and only one word comes out from his mouth. "Y/N" and they have been hiding behind a huge flower pot in the coffee shop since then.

"Well, because I dont want her to see us. See me. What do I say?" Jimin wioes his sweaty forehead.

"Thats it? Thats the reason you ran all the way, drag me and Tae-hyung here, and hides behind this pot for 40 minutes now?!" Jungkook looks at his hyung, not believing his reason. "Thats it, I'm going in and introducing us and getting you her number!"

"Wait. What?? No!" Jimin drags Jungkook back behind the pot.

"Why? Isbt that what you want hyung? Her number? You have been moping since last night!"

"Y-yeah.. but how can I just ask her. Thats Y/N. Y/N! What if she say no? O-or she laughs at me? Or thinks I'm weird?" Jimin is freaking out and even he hinself doesnt know why he is like this.

"Well, we dont know if we dont try Chim. Let me and Kookie go and ask for you," Taehyung speaks up and stands up, revealing himself. Jimin panics and pulls him back behind the pot.

"What the hell! No! Sit Tae. Let me just think of something okay? I need to impress her somehow. So she would never ever say no," Jimin rubs her chin and the three sits behind the pot for a while longer, all in silence before Jimin suddenly shouted. "Okay, I got it! She will say yes to be my girlfriend after this! I am sure of it!"

/////

"From Park Jimin? The Korean idol Park Jimin?" Y/N eyed the flower delivery man curiously as he smile and nods. "Is this a prank? Tell me, who put you up to this? Its a girl right?"

"Uh no.. its really Park Jimin. He came to the shop. With Kim Taehyung and Jeon Jungkook. I know its them because I am a fan and also," he taps the note on the flower, "Park Jimin put his name there,"

"So right now... you are saying.. that the world famous idol, Jimin, Jungkook and Taehyung, just walk into your store, in broad daylight, and ordered flowers.. for me?" She points to herself.

"Uh.. yeah. Thats about right," the deliveryman nods again and smile. Y/N lets out a loud sarcastic laugh.

"Okay, good one. I am pretty sure this is a prank now," she received the flowers and sniff it. "Atleast I get flowers, prank or not. Thanks,"

The delivery guy shrugs and leaves, but not before looking at Y/N as if shes crazy.

"It must be Mika. Shes the only one who thinks Jimin is looking at me at the concert," Y/N shrugs and continue her work, the flowers forgotten.

Or so she thought.

Throughout the day, many more weird deliveries were made. More flowers, big, expensive ones too, cupcakes, balloons, choclates, chocolates bouquets, and even a puppy, which Y/N immediately asked to be sent back. At this rate she knows it couldnt be Mika. Is it really Jimin?

But why?

How does he knows where she works?

Even if he did finds out, did he really remember her?

And even if he did remember, why is he sending her all this stuff?

Y/N was confused for the whole day, and shes also embarassed when the customers and even her supervisor keeps complimenting how sweet her boyfriend is. Truth is, shes nor even sure if its really Jimin whos sending her all this stuff.

The gifts continue for the next three days, and Y/N just accept and places it all at the store room, even fivinf out the food to her colleagues and loyal customers. After a long hard shift, its finally time to close up. And deciding to leave everything she receives today at the shop, she cleans up and cloaed up the shop. While locking the door suddenly someone tapped her back.

"A delivery for Miss Y/N..."

"Seriously?!" With a frustrated and tired sighed she turns around. "Its almost 12 am at- J-Jimin?"

Y/N couldnt ever imagine thats its really Park Jimin standing in front of her, holding a huge bouquet of flowers. His face is covered with a mask, yes, but theres no doubt that its him.

"Well.. yeah. Are you expecting someone else?" Jimin cocks his head. Even he is nor sure where he gets his sudden confidence.

"Well... no. But I didnt expect it to be you either. Is it safe for you to roam around Japan like this? Are you lost?" Y/N furrowed her brows. How can he be lost? Where is manager?

"No. I am not lost. Unless you count loss of words everytime I see you," he smile.

"Huh?"

"Uh.. no, no, nothing. Uh.. you dont sound excited to be receiving all the gifts I sent you?" Jimin suddenly remembered hows frustrated she sound earlier when she thought he ia the delivery man.

"Well, to be honest. Not really. I mean.. I am not even sure it its really from you. And even though it is, I am still curious as to why? I mean... you dont really know me... and we are not really friends. Right?" Y/N looks at him.

Jimin is speechless. Doesnt girls like that kind of stuff? Especially from someone like him? But as he look at Y/N who is standing in front of him, face full of confusion, he realizes, Y/N is not like normal girls. thats why he felt attracted to her. Look at her right now, standing in front of him bur isnt starstruck at all.

"Uh.. to be honest, I kinda feel a chemistry between us when we first met at the first fansign..." Jimin takes a deep breath. Courage dont leave me now. "And.. I uh.. would like to talk more with you. To get to know you,"

"Okay..m so you decide to stalk me?" Y/n take a step back, a little scared. Jimin raised his hands up defensively.

"No, no! Its not like that. I didnt stalk you to find out where you work. I accidentally found out where you work 3 days ago, so I thought I could send you gifts, as a way to break the ice-"

"Wait, so you had known where I work for three days, and instead of coming in and say hi, like a normal person, you decide to flaunt your money and buy me stuff?" Y/N is trying to understabd what is the man trying to do.

"Well.. uh.. it sounds bad when you put it like that...but-but I thought you knew about my interest in you!" Jimin tries to safe whatever dignity he has left as Y/N eyes him carefully. "I have been flirting with you for the two whole concert days!"

"Flirting? When??" Y/n questioned him. "You barely even talk to me during the fansign Jimin-ssi," Y/N reminds him.

"D-dont you see me malong eye contact with you on stage? All those dance moves? Those extra stuff I did?"

"Huh?" Y/N looks straight at him. "Are you telling me that is you flirting?" Y/N didnt know if she should laugh or be pissed right now. "Thats the way to show me that you want to talk to me?"

"Y-yes,"

"Jimin... If you want to talk to me you can just ask. To be honest, I find you interesting to talk to too," Y/N smile.

"Really?!"

"Yeah... but after this weird gift giving thing... I am not sure..."

"What? No! I am not weird! Uh actually," Jimin panics. Is Y/N really going to just shut him away now? He has to do something. The thing that he planned to do when he came here. "Actually, I'm flying back to Korea tomorrow but before I leave... I just uh... wanted to ask you to be my girlfriend," he quickly pulls out a box with a white gold diamond bracelet inside. "And give you this,"

Y/N was silenced for a moment and Jimin hope that thats a good sign. He knows its rash, but hes leaving to Korea tomorrow and he needs a way to stay in touch with her. To just... make her his.

"Are you seriously kidding me right now?" Was Y/N's answer after the silenced.

"N-no?"

Y/N scoff.

"You never even introduce yourself properly to me. Or get to know me. Or even talk to me for the matter! How do you know you even really like me? If its only a blind atttaction, only because you like how I look, then I dont want any of it! Yes, I am your fan and I kmow mostly everything about you, but I dont want to know you as BTS' Park Jimin, I want to know you as Park Jimin... do you get it? And giving me ridiculous expensive gifts for three days is flirting and a way to talk to me?? And please know that hip thrusting and swiping your hair back on stage doesnt count either. What are you trying to do? Do you think I am that kind of girl Jimin?" Y/N look softly at him.

"I want a guy to ask me out, to ask me if I have plans and take his time to know me. I dont need your money or your fame Jimin. If you really like me, you would know thats the kind of girl I am. I am leaving, I am sorry, I have to declined. Have a safe flight back to Korea," Y/N bows and walks away, leaving Jimin alone.

Jimin was silenced by her unexpected outburst. He really didnt think ahe would say all this, nor did he think about how stupid his plans are. Taehyung and Jungkook has warned him, even suggested to just greet her and ask for her number, but noooo, he has to feel like he needs to impress her with expensive gifts. Now look what happen.Everything she says just make Jimin realized that she is excatly what he wants, who he needs in a woman. In a life partner. He wants to get to know her, all of her, but it seems like hes too late now.

/////

"Hyung? You okay?" Jungkook sat beside him on the bed. Its been a few days after the tour, and Jimin has been sad and locking himself in his rooms ever since.

"Yeah.. I guess?" Jimin answered lifelessly.

"You dont look okay Chim. You look... lost?" Taehyung sat at the other side of him.

"I am lost Tae. I have never been this lost in my entire life. I think I lost myself in Japan, I acted the way I would never have, and because of it, I lost my love,"

"Well.. if you lost something in Japan... I guess you have to go and get it back. Simple Chim," Taehyung grins and pat his back, hoping his best friend will understand what he meant.

/////

What happened last week is still a blur to Y/N. Did Park Jimin really sent her gifts for three days straight? The Park Jimin? Worldwide idol Park Jimin? And did he really showed up to her coffee shop and tell her he lijes ber, and wanted her to be his girlfriend? And did she rejected him, just like that?

Everything is like a dream to her. She is not even sure if it really happened it shes just imagining it all. But the wilted flowers and uneaten chocolate bars proves that all of it is too real.

She cant lie to herself. Her heart did do a little flip at the sight of Jimin that night. Yes, shes practical, but theres still a part of her that wants a fairy tale ending for herself too. She almost say yes, her heart is beating out from her chest. She cant believe its happening, Park Jimin likes her... but then her practical side takes over. Reminding her that they barely knew each other, what if Jimin ends up not liking her? And what she told Jimin is true, she wants someone who will ask her out, who will take his time to learn about her, just as mich as she will learn about him.

Maybe Jimin is only a drean afterall.

As she walks along the sakura covered park, Y/N sighed. Shes at her happy place. Her beautiful home, but she has never felt so lost.

/////

"Thank god I found you here," the voice behind her pants. Y/N immediately turns around only to see Park Jimin panting, holding his knees. Is she hallucinating in broad daylight now?

"Jimin? Is that really you?" She looks at the figure closely. Jimin looks up after catching his breath

"H-hi. I'm Park Jimin, and I came all the way from Korea just to find you, and someone told me that you are at a sakira park, but theres a lot of sakura park during during spring in Japan and I went to like 30 of them and then I got lost all over Japan, but I dont care, because I can handle being lost in Japan, but I cant handle losing myself again and worse, losing a chance to know you," he smile at her stunt reaction. "Y/N.. I got lost all over Japan, just so I can ask you..," Jimin wiped his sweaty hands on his jeans as Y/N smile at his stuttering form.

"Yes, Park Jimin?" Y/N flashed him a wide smile, easing his mind and making all his doubts dissappear, a surge of confidence suddenly surfacing in him.

"Do you... do you perhaps have any plans tonight? Because I want to take you out. I want to spend the whole night getting to know you, all about you," He took a step forward and bravely hold her waist, grinning widely.

"And why would you want to do that when you just met me three times Park Jimin?" Y/N hide her smile any longer.

"Because I.. well, because honestly Y/N..." he tuxks a stray hair behind her ears and look straight into her eyes, "I cant get you out of my mind,"

[sstarkiid]

do all of the lovesick asks bitch. expose urself

wow, ok.

read more thing bc this is long and embarrassing

1: Do you have a current crush?

Two actually but who's counting

2: How long has your crush lasted?

Uhh a few months n then the other one is weird i can't answer that lmao

3: 5 songs that you have associated with your crush?

I'm……..not that sappy I can give u like one

Ice prince : Runaways by ATL

Space boy : Stars by Fun.

4: Do you think they've ever liked you back?

I mean. It's very likely.

5: Will you ever reveal your feelings to them?

Yea probably

6: What’s holding you back from making a move?

It's not that I haven't made a move but like. I am Fear.

7: Are you frightened by your feelings for them?

A lil

8: Do you think they could ever love you?

Maybe???? but i’m kind of an optimist

9: Do you love them?

Lol next question

10: Have you ever had a crush on someone you really shouldn't?

DEFINITELY. I CAN'T NAME ANYONE SPECIFICALLY BUT THE ANSWER IS PROBABLY YES.

11: Do you think anyone currently has a crush on you

...IT'S VERY LIKELY.

12: Ever had a crush on what you thought was a platonic friend?

Hi Jared

13: What would you do if your crush revealed they felt the same?

I'd probably need a second to process it but like probably hug ‘em idfk

14: Has your crush ever hurt you?

Nope!!!!

15: Have they made you cry by breaking your heart?

Nope!!!!!!!!!

16: Why do you like them?

Ice prince is fun to tease idk we go back n forth a lot but he's also a softie n listen he's dramatic enough to keep up w/ me

Space boy tells u like it is and he seems kinda scary or not,, nice at first maybe but he's actually also soft !!

They're also both hot as hell oh my god

17: Do you think you'll ever get over them?

I mean. If I had to I would but...  I don't WANT TO.

18: Do you have 1 specific song that is strongly associated with a certain memory or interaction with them?

Mmm not really?? Not yet?? It'll happen dw

19: The moment you knew you had feelings for them?

We both got scared of the firework finale on the 4th and I squeaked and he like held onto me n it was really funny n cute n I was just like “ok this is a thing now great”

Uhh I was doing the typical girl thing where I send screenshots of a conversation to a friend only the friend is his sister so………..i blame her it’s literally all her fault

20: What would they have to do for you to stop liking them?

Murder someone probably

Or y'know

Something equally as shitty n illegal

21: Have you ever fallen asleep with them?

Yea. Both. Napping is cool.

22: Held their hand?

Mmhm! Both but like that's not that weird

23: Kissed their cheek?

Yup. Both.

24: Kissed them on the lips?

Yeah. Both. Actually.

25: Gone down on them/ they've gone down on you?

N O P E

26: Had sex with them?

Nuh-uh.

27: Where on your body have they touched you?

This is…. A weird question I don't like it

28: Does their touch set your skin on fire?

Fire.

Ice prince.

Fire.

HM.

29: Do you get butterflies when they touch you?

Ok maybe

30: Do they make you smile like no one else can?

Y e a

31: Does their presence calm you?

Mmhmm.

32: Does it make you go crazy being around them and not 'being with' them?

Not… until recently but---

33: Are you friends with your crush?

Both of ‘em!

34: Have you always been friends?

Uhh I guess w/ Ice prince yes but not the other one

35: Last thing they messaged you about?

One was abt a dog, other one was abt coming over to hang out

36: Best phone call with them?

Hands down any call when I've been driving so I make my brother talk to them instead those are always fun

37: Last time you hung out with them?

I. I literally started answering this in one of their houses.

38: Ever been drunk together?

I DON'T DRINK

39: Fondest memory of them?

The fireworks show n then probs a few days ago when we just drove around n talked abt stuff

40: Ever made a mistake with them?

Mistake??????????? i don’t make those

41: Regretted not making a move?

Every day of my life but also I have literally kissed both of them so which is the truth

42: If you could go back in time to that moment, what would you do?

Nothing ‘cause I'm a big baby

43: Do you think that would change your current relationship with them?

Nope

44: If you could get a 100% honest answer from them, what 3 questions would you ask?

ok first FUCK THIS QUESTION

Ice prince

Do u. Actually wanna date or am I just the most gullible person ever

.......................so how do you feel about polyamory

Do u actually hate the puns or do u secretly enjoy them I need to know.

Space boy

Are you aware that you can literally text me for anything at any time?? Bc u should be

Were you ever afraid to talk to me?

Will you promise to talk to me before doing stupid shit so that at the very least i can tell u that ur an idiot,,, but like. affectionately.

45: Did they wish you Happy Birthday on your birthday?

My birthday is in like another month and I didn't know either of them really last year so they better

46: Have they ever tried to make a move?

?????????

Idk tbh

47: If so why did you miss it?

‘Cause I'm clueless as hell

48: Have they ever been infatuated with a friend of yours?

Don't think so

49: Are they single?

Lol yeah they're definitely single

50: Where were you when you felt the most for them?

IT'S ALWAYS WHEN THEY'RE SLEEPING they both just look so cute n peaceful n I get all mushy n wanna protect them but I'm weak as hell so

51: Any specific place you associate with them?

Mmmm not really

52: Films that make you think about them?

Disney films in general

Marvel movies for Ice prince bc NERD

53: Have you picked up a habit because of them?

I don't think so but it's also not unlikely

54: What was your first impression of them?

Ice prince seemed antisocial and idk abt space boy we were like 5 yrs old technically so who knows man

55: Has it altered since then?

LMAO YES

56: Do you remember the first thing you talked about?

Probably musicals bc I can't shut up ever and he was confused

And uhhh no unless u mean like when we started hanging out bc it was candy

57: First time they touched you?

COLD

HE DID IT TO SPITE ME AND IT WAS FUNNY BUT IT WAS SO COLD HOW

And I'm 99% certain I made him high five me before we ever spoke bc I'm a nuisance

58: Have they ever lied to you?

Not that I know of

59: What are their eyes like?

Ohhhhh my GOD

really......clear?? that’s not like. a good way to describe em but u know when u look up at the sky and it’s like. wow there are no clouds!! n then u feel the breeze and it’s kinda cold but it’s not unpleasant it’s?? p nice??? like. that.

cool as FRICK like what the hell i’m actually jealous they’re a rly pretty nice shade n then suddenly it’s!!! different!!!! and it’s like!!!!!!!!!!!!! a surprise a v good surprise which is fitting u just gotta look a lil and he’s full of lil surprises

60: What are you most attracted to about them?

well,, for one they’re both hot as hell, so. that. in general.

if u know anything abt me i’m a sucker for pretty eyes

i also like the “soft but pretends to not be” because i think it’s cute they’re also really good to cuddle with

61: Can you see a future with them?

well i can’t see one without ‘em so something’s gotta give here right?

62: Have you sabotaged things between you two?

i freaking hope not

63: Why? What were you afraid of achieving? Love? Happiness? Content? Disappointment?

why does this thing assume you said yes to the above question that’s kinda rude

64: Could they make you happy?

already do

65: Do you dream about them?

if we’re friends and you haven’t appeared in one of my dreams and done smth weird or random are we actually friends??

side note does daydreaming count LOL

66: What's something that only you two do?

i don’t think i “gently bully” anyone nearly as much as i do ice prince also the only one who actually can cuddle w/ me properly in the summer i’m js

uuuummmm go on random drives in the middle of the night so tht zoe can make out w/ ppl instead of texting our sorry asses

67: Does liking them make you feel vulnerable?

you. have. no idea.

68: Have they ever given you anything?

food has definitely been exchanged and shared. i’ve stolen sweaters. uh.

69: Have they ever used you?

.........not that i’m aware of??

70: Have they abused and manipulated you due to your feelings for them?

nO WHAT TH E

71: Have you ever spent quite literally all day and night thinking about them?

that’s......a bit much i might be pathetic and somewhat desperate but like i do kinda have a life

72: Have you ever accidentally nearly walked into moving traffic cause you were thinking about them?

no but i’ve walked into walls because i was tired and thinking abt stuff so that’s a thing i probably have done

73: Ever worn anything knowing it would draw their attention to you?

YEAH LMAO I DO THAT ALL THE TIME IN GENERAL i like attention fight me

74: Have they ever made you feel so safe and content everything else slips away?

y e ah

75: Ever held you so close you could feel their heartbeat?

mmhmm

76: Truthfully do you think you belong together right now?

[taylor swift’s you belong with me playing in the distance]

77: Have they ever seen you completely vulnerable?

um. no.

78: Do you trust them?

i would trust all of my friends with my life

79: When you see them what feelings are strongest?

i just get?? really happy n i turn into a little kid i swear to god how does he put up with me

n he makes me feel really calm n content n just. good. u know.

80: Are they in love or interested in someone else?

d e a r l o r d i h o p e n o t

81: If they asked you to kiss them, would you?

in a heartbeat

82: Will they be in your life a year from now?

they BETTER BE

83: A moment where you so nearly gave into your feelings for them and did something about it?

i have literally kissed both of them and not because of dares what kind of,,

84: Do they know you have feelings for them?

i’m not exactly,,, subtle

85: Do you have a favourite picture with them?

no but i have favorite pictures of them

86: Your ideal date with them?

hey. concept. a double date. but like. instead of 2 couples it’s just me w/ both of them wow

87: What's their name?

it’s rly obvious that i’m talking about porter and connor fuck you

88: Have you ever been in their room?

i’ve been in connor’s but porter n i mostly chill other places

89: Shared a secret with them?

yeah but it’s not a secret if i tell the internet now is it?

90: Have they ever made you a promise and broken it?

don’t think so

91: Have they ever disappointed you?

nope!

92: Whats the most problematic thing about them, which you overlook due to your feelings for them?

uh. idk. porter’s kinda closed off to other people at first i guess that could be problematic. i’m patient w/ that shit so it doesn’t bug me as much idk

general relationships or lack thereof w/ other ppl tbh for both of them i think 

93: Have you ever had to compete for their affection?

no

94: For as long as they're in your life could you handle just being friends?

that’s what i do with p much everyone else but another way to approach this is if u couldn’t be together would u shut them out and the answer is no?? bc that’s kinda shitty

so yes

95: Ever looked for a sign to make a move?

every?? single second of every day but once again i have literally kissed both of them uh

96: What's standing in your way from being with them?

general anxiety

a single conversation

...lmao

97: Would you let them use you for sex?

this implies that,, they don’t care abt me and only themselves n they’re not really?? like that so?? it wouldn’t happen like that??

realistically knowing myself i wanna say no but i probably would which is Not Good i know

98: Ever had a bad feeling about them that's screaming for you to get out while you still can?

no. like. literally the opposite. wtf

99: If you could go back in time, would you avoid ever meeting them?

NEVER

100: You have 1 wish about them, what would you wish for?

that porter finds someone who makes him feel warm n fuzzy on the inside even if it’s not me

n for connor that one day everything is stable and everything is ok

anyway hey jared U SUCK

[paniccord-ff]

8.

I am so proud of myself, my day off yesterday I did nothing but sleep, eat, watch TV and then sleep. This is a life to have, I am now trying to get over the nap I just had. My brothers have gone to New Jersey to see my parents so I have the apartment to myself, I am so happy. I love the freedom, I love the fact I have the space to myself. I feel so refreshed and happy now, I hate night shifts but I do one every week, which is not bad at all. Reaching over and grabbing my phone and then laying back down on the couch, turning the volume down on the TV. I need to call my dad, I need to have him on my side, if I have him on my side then what my brother’s say mean nothing. I know how to get to my dad, it’s pretty easy because I am his only daughter that reminds him of my mom. I would facetime him but then I would feel bad just saying lies to his face, this way is better. Placing the phone against my ear, I hope he picks up because I have built the courage up in lying.

“Turn it down!” my dad shouted, I miss it at home “it’s your boring music!” Kyrie shouted back, he is worse than me with being a brat “that boy” my dad sighed out, smiling from ear to ear “my one and only princess, you remembered your dad” he always does this “I call you all the time” I retorted “your mother but not me, your dad needs love too” I should have went to New Jersey with them now “I am sorry, I miss you so much. Please tell me my bedroom is still there? Mom said you was using it as a room for junk?” my dad chuckled “never, all the bedrooms are the same. When my kids come home where else are they going to stay? Don’t worry about it, she is saying it to annoy you” my mom is so rude to me “good, I can’t wait to come home!” time off from work can’t come any faster “you’re getting old now, twenty five. Spend some time as a family in Barbados, I am counting down the days. Your grandparents can’t wait to tell you about getting married” rolling my eyes “why they always have to do that to me, either way. I need a holiday, I hope I am getting more gifts” letting out a cough “Louboutin’s” coughing again “I am ignoring the last part” he said, groaning out.

Why does my dad insist on me talking to Kyrie “what do you want?” Kyrie spat “I said the same thing, be gone. I don’t want to speak to you” I said, younger siblings are annoying “I am telling dad, I saw pictures with you and Chris Brown” my eyes bulged out “shut up, give the phone back” what the hell is he even speaking about “I don’t wish to speak to him dad” he just does the most “he is like them two, but dad….. You know you love me more than the other three kids right?” smiling wide “I don’t like to choose, I only pick the kids that are doing well and right now that is you” he is fronting I am his one and only “sure dad, well I am little upset with living with Nathan and Blake, just hear me out” my dad was ready to tell me to come home then “I work hard, I work long hours. I come home and they are loud, they have friends here, they smoke weed. It’s not funny anymore, I am stressed and I know you don’t like to hear that. I really just want to move on my own so I can concentrate on me, they are crowding me. They do nothing all day but watch what I do” I complained like a spoilt child, my dad sighed “I will speak to them” I gasped “dad, please. Let me move, shit is different now” why won’t’ he let me grow “I worry Rylee” I understand why but I need to make my own mistakes “please dad, they can still be around for me. I am a good girl and you know it” my phone beeped in my ear, moving my phone back to see Chris trying to call me. Let me just finish talking to my dad “what do you want me to say? Rylee you know I don’t play to you messing around, you’re never not old enough. I will beat Nathan and Blake’ asses still till this day. We love you and you’re already so far away from us” my dad is stressing again, he did this when I moved “you know what baby, just do it. I will let you move but you need to move into a good place, clean, no drugs, no bad people. You need more money you ask me, I want pictures too” fist pumping the air “thank you dad, I will be careful just don’t worry. I love you so much” that is it, I have got permission from my dad now.

I have probably got my brother’s in trouble but they will be more upset I am moving, I am glad. Let me call Chris back, I am so happy about this. Wait till I tell Bailey, she will tell me to move in with her but I rather not. I will have Daniel probably sniffing my panties when I leave my stuff around “you have called back, it’s been ages” Chris is so dramatic “one whole day? That was it” I said shaking my head “that is a long one day, that is twenty fours in a day. That is one thousand four hundred and forty minutes, which is eighty-six thousand and four hundred seconds that we didn’t communicate for” my eyes widened “you are so dramatic, I hate it because it’s cute too. Well I am alive now, I did see you called last night but I was so tired or maybe I was looking for a new man, we just don’t know” I shrugged “wow, that has upset me now. It has upset me so much that for you to make it up to me, you have to see me” I scoffed “I am ok, I want to be in this mess while I am laying here” I am too damn comfy too “I will pick you up? You can wear anything you want, I honestly have the house to myself. I am being that considerate that I know you don’t want to be in the limelight, I am cooking for you. Oh please” my mouth fell open “pause, you are cooking?” he needs to rewind that “yeah, I can cook you know. I am inviting you to my house, instead of a meal out. We can talk and eat here, please” I can’t say no to that “hmmm, what is the dress code for this?” Chris paused “naked if you like, you can wear anything you like” I will go like this if I can “I will think about that, I guess it’s a meal at a friend’s house” Chris laughed “you about to quit saying that soon” he thinks.

I couldn’t just leave the house like that, I had to put some makeup on and do my hair. Fixing my brother’s snapback on my head, placing it on my head backwards. I stole my brother’s jacket too, wearing some Js. I look like a boy, I just really didn’t know what to wear but it’s whatever, I am now in the back of an Uber to Chris’ home. Answering Bailey’s call “you a little too busy for me or something?” I said down the phone “more like you are, I miss you anyways. How are things and Chris?” annoying bitch “things are great, I wanted to call you to tell you something major!” I would never tell her about Chris, not just yet anyways “spill the tea queen” she said, smiling a little “daddy said yes to me moving out, this bitch is going to be living on her own” Bailey yelped down the phone “Yesss!!!! Finally, you need somewhere so you can get some dick. They was dick blocking you, my bitch” I knew someone would be happy for me.

Pressing the doorbell, I swear to god. If he has his mom here, I will be so mad at him. He always surprises me with shit, pressing my hair down “move dog” Chris spat as he opened the door, this huge white slobbering rodent came at me, jumping back “my bad, I was just putting them away” he said while not doing a thing, this dog moved around me “Jesus” running at Chris “he is only sniffing you” moving behind Chris “my butt! Put it away” what is wrong with this man “chill, come on boy. She ain’t like you just yet, she ain’t like me at first. Come on in though, just going to put him away” Chris dragged that ugly mutt down the lobby, reaching my hand over to the door and closing it. Walking slowly into the home, whatever is cooking smells nice and I can smell chicken, he couldn’t have cooked this.

Stood in the living area “my bad, I am here. Don’t mind me, I look a little stank. I been busy in the kitchen, I cleaned for you” he jogged over to me “you look fine” he looks great in anything “can I hug you?” he asked “yeah sure” opening my one arm, Chris walked into me. Wrapping my arm around his shoulder as he placed his hand on my back, giving me a little squeeze “you smell so nice” I thought he was sniffing me “now I know where your dog’s get this behaviour from” moving back from him “very funny, you mind if I get changed? Just into a different top? The food is literally done so we can eat” he works fast, I am actually hungry too “sure, you can. I will sit and wait” turning around to sit down “cool, I’ll be quick” he is being so damn cute, like he is on a date.

Taking the jacket off, I want to be comfortable in just the tee. Taking the snapback off also, pushing my hair down with my one hand and placing the snapback to the side of me. He is taking his sweet time, looking down at my nails which kind of need doing “sorry” he said, looking up at him and my face softened “you didn’t have too” I said in a state of shock “well, I didn’t want to say a date in case you was like no. I know you don’t like going out because of all the fan bullshit, this is more quiet and we can be us” getting up from the couch “but still, you didn’t have to get me this” he held out the red roses, taking them from him “I wanted too” staring at the bouquet of roses, Chris leaned in and pressed a kiss on my cheek. I am in shock he got me roses.

I know Rylee is doubting me “you don’t cook this good, this tastes like something your mom would cook” placing my fork down laughing “I can cook, look at my hand. I burnt my knuckle” holding my hand out “well IF it was, this is nice. Thank you, we could have just gone to McDonalds. I am easy on things, but honestly thank you so much” I am glad she liked my cooking “well why not, you need to be spoilt too” Rylee side eyed the burnt mark on my knuckle “you being mad mean to me, the fact you don’t believe that I can cook makes me sad as fuck. My mom taught me these things, it’s funny because I don’t use these skills at all, just because I am on tour and I don’t get the time” looking at Rylee’ clean plate “wow, I like a girl that can eat” she didn’t even get shy about it “well I wasn’t going to put good food to waste, you need to cook more. I swear if I find out that your mom cooked this” busting out laughing “I swear, I cooked. Stop it” she is funny.

Placing the glass of wine on the glass table “you sure you don’t want dessert? Now that is something I bought, I ain’t know how to make that” she shook her head “I am fine, I may have it later. I like the way you have filled the glass to the top, you know me well already” sitting across from Rylee “I am getting there” looking down at my phone, I will answer that shit later “how come you are not like around the country? Don’t you have some concerts going on?” placing my phone on the table “I am supposed to be working on an album, I do have a tour in the works. I am just relaxing for now, I am trying to get the court dates out of the way. Once that is done, I can know where I am with my daughter” sitting back on my couch “so clearly the child wasn’t exactly planned I am guessing from the hate you have for the mother?” Rylee asked “one night, you know when you hear people talk about it only takes one night. I didn’t take it serious, she fell pregnant. Now I am a father, I love my daughter but shit is just there. I pay out everything for her, that is mine but I lose my cool. I look like the bad guy but on real terms she is a bitch and I hate her so much. I look back on it and I am like why, out of every chick I had why her” I shrugged “but the important thing is Royalty, you have a beautiful baby girl” smiling lightly “let’s hope she doesn’t end up like her” a whole bitch.

I really wanted to sit next to Rylee but then I am being too much in her space, which is not cute “what are you thinking about? I can see the smile playing on your face” Rylee pointed, she is watching me “I am thinking about us, you know. I want there to be an us, I honestly can’t shake you off. I tried but it’s not happening, you know when you see a girl and you just know, I just know” this what bugs me, I can have any girl easily and I have tried to move on but I keep thinking of Rylee. She has become part of my day, I love her. Furrowing my eyebrows, I mean not love but I love her personality “you gone quiet with me now” I said, she is not speaking at all “talk to me, why do you have this guard up with me. I hear you speak on being scared but I feel like you’re not scared of this situation” watching Rylee reach over for the wine “let’s lay our cards out on the table, I am going to be truthful to you. No matter what, I see you as a friend even if we don’t make it. I know you hate the word but if we are to do this then I don’t want things creeping up on us, bad enough you are a worldwide star but then lies will really fuck me over and also you” Rylee drank the wine like she is wanting to be drunk, blinking at her “you need a refill? I agree also, you go first though” Rylee put her hand up as she gulped the wine down “don’t, I will not be with you then” clearly she don’t want to be if she drank it like that.

Makes me wonder, the story behind Rylee “so uhm where would you like me to start?” she crossed her legs Indian style “why are you so guarded and scared about men?” that is the main thing I want to know “I don’t want to scare you away but my brother went down for me, the whole reason he wasted his life in there was because of me. I was dating this guy in New Jersey, I dated him for three years, I was happy with him. I thought I was in love but clearly I was blind, that wasn’t love at all. I thought everything he was doing was normal, he was crazy. My family trusted him to take me away, we came here actually for a break away. Now thinking back he was crazy, I am stupid like really fucking stupid because the signs were there, I didn’t have friends or anything because he didn’t let me. It was all about him, but anyways we came here, he took my phone from me and then told me I wasn’t going home and I was his, I thought he was playing with me but when he wouldn’t let me leave the motel. He had these random niggas in the room, I was scared. Either they was going to do something to me or kill me, I managed to get out of the room and found this woman and begged her. I called my brother, which was when he moved here. He was searching for him, well he found him in Inglewood and he got sent down for attempted murder. Let’s just say I didn’t date after that and pretty much I have been hiding behind my brother’s, it’s only been recently where I have been not caring anymore. Men just look at me like a piece of meat, they don’t see me as anything else. He said that to me actually but oh well, I am still sane after that” my mouth hung open hearing this, I am in shock “holy shit” placing my hand over my mouth “that is deep, your brother would kill for you” I don’t know what else to say, that is so bad.

Blowing out air “damn Rylee, I am sorry that happened to you. I understand your reservation for us men” shaking my head “don’t be sorry, it’s weird because you have bought back that confidence in me. Bailey helps me so much but since I have been spending time with you, I actually do shit for myself” smiling wide hearing that “you’re beautiful, you look beautiful in anything. I am sorry that you had to talk about such a thing, I know niggas go crazy seeing you. That is because we are used to fake girls and you’re just natural” at least I can understand her more “we all have shit that has shaped us to be how we are now, I am a crazy nigga with bipolar. We as humans carry burdens with us every day, we don’t know what the other person goes through. I smile day in and day out and half of the time I am on medication and smiling through the bullshit of wanting to doze off, I am scared too Rylee. I feel like this is something true and the way I am is problematic, it’s a new territory to me. I am cooking meals, I am thinking of romantic things. I want us to be good and your brother’s and what happened to you doesn’t scare me” I am more upset that she had to go through that “least you know why I have a protective family, at times I get those moments where I think what if but I just, you know, push through. My future is so bright, I am blessed to be where I am, living my dream” she smiled from ear to ear “exactly beautiful” she waved me off “oh stop it” she let out a giggle.

“Not even Bailey knows about why my brother went down, just my family and then Lo knew from Blake. But now you know, not something you want to tell people” she said “true, we both know something of each other now, we are equal” we know something of each other “are you really wanting to take this to another level with me?” she broke the silence “if I didn’t want that then I wouldn’t be making so much effort, cancelling studio sessions just so I can catch up with you before you work. Also just so I can speak to you before you sleep, I am not out to hurt you” that is not my intention at all “if we keep this as low key as we can while we actually get to know each other more, I think maybe that will be better. I am not here for the fame, I just want my normal job and to see you without the extras but I am going to accept it. I know eventually things will be leaked out, I want to support you and I am willing to give this a try. I ask myself half the time, what am I doing with myself but I am just going to try it, I like what I see. I like this Christopher Brown” stifling out a laugh “only my momma call me that” I spat.

I cannot stop smiling now “so does this mean we are official, we are boyfriend and girlfriend?” pointing at us, she took in a deep breath “more like, am I really dating Chris Brown? I need a second” she put her hand up “what the fuck!” she said to herself, laughing at her “ok, I am over it. But yeah we are, I feel like a teenager again, how childish is this” I love that she is giggling so much, she is too damn cute “there is a question actually, when was the last time you had sex?” raising my eyebrows, that is a random question, why is she asking that “uhhh” rubbing the side of my face “couple of days ago” I blurted out “Oh” she said, she genuinely looks sad “I am sorry, I didn’t know if you did want me or not. Looking forward, from today I am yours” I feel so bad now, I was speaking to her and then fucking with girls, this sounds so bad “honestly Ry, I didn’t know we would have been more” this is awkward as fuck “I am guessing you have not had any in a couple of days?” how can I already be in the dog house, stupid idiot should have lied “try years, I can’t just give myself away like that” I can tell from her body language she is annoyed.

Walking behind Rylee, she wants to go home now. I made her my girl and then upset her within ten minutes, this has to be a new record for me “do you want me to give you space or ….. I am not sure” I really don’t “no, call me still. You’re a man, I can’t expect you to be faithful, I friend zoned you. It’s cool, just I don’t know. So much to take in, but I am fine” I sense some lies in that statement, she opened my front door “I am sad that you are going though” rubbing the back of my head “stop it, be good. Remember, you have a girlfriend now. I am not upset with the fact you had sex, it’s just that I like you and then I knew a while ago that I did but I didn’t want to admit to it. If I did I could have stopped that situation, also Bailey is coming over” nodding my head “can I hug you?” I asked before she went “you don’t have to ask you know, you can just hug me” she turned back around, Rylee jumped up a little wrapping her arms around my neck “when are you next off work? I miss you already” I am going to miss her like crazy “I will send you my timetable” feeling Rylee press a kiss to my cheek “why not the lips?” I spat “I don’t kiss on the first date” she pointed “first date? I have been dating you since I first saw you though?” I half shouted “goodbye Christopher!” Rylee spat walking off to the Uber.