#I'm so happy right now you have NO IDEA

[starpros-sunshine]

Tempest they could never not make me love you more

[renatogpadilla]

What's In A Name.

Lux had to stop herself from lighting up.

"Jinx... Jinx..." She tried the name out in her mouth. It felt good! She looked like a 'Jinx'! Short, sweet (well, maybe 'sweet' wasn't the right word) and scrappy! "Jinx!"

She put her entire accent into that last one.

Jinx wondered how it was possible to roll the letter 'J'. She also wondered if she was as red as she felt hearing her say her name so much with such... Joy? Yeah, that must have been it... She wasn't used to that.

"Okay, glad you like it." She was REALLY trying to hide that smile, she was! "And... I appreciate that you don't blame me for... Who I was then."

"Never."

Alright... Where was she... Ah, right. Vi.

"My sister eventually found me..." She continued, tapping her temple with a brass middle finger. Had Lux noticed that before? "And I wasn't really in the best place up here. So imagine my face when she rolls up with Piltie girlfriend of all things."

Lux's hands shot up to her mouth. "No!"

"Yeah, I did NOT take that well..." She wasn't as much ashamed of how much she'd been mad at Vi as she was embarrassed of how little control she'd had over it. "Apparently, they'd been trying to find some dangerous psychopath with ties to Silco that had been making the criminal underworld get a little too bold for comfort... Imagine her face when it turned out to be her baby sister." Now that Jinx had time to really think about it, from Vi's point of view, their entire dynamic had been exceedingly fucked up.

"Anyways, things escalated pretty quickly after that. She'd grown to love her Piltie 'Cupcake' so much I thought she was replacing me... I got ready to take care of that issue myself when I found myself on the bridge between the two cities. And on the other side? Who else but Ekko? All grown up and ready to rock. my. shit."

Lux gasped. Audibly. Jinx could tell she was holding in a squeal. Childhood friends to enemies to lovers? Class-defying sapphic romance? Criminal underworld political drama?! This story had it all! Lux had never been so invested in anything in her life!

"Lemme tell you, that fight was a wake-up call. Boy Saviour had HANDS! I'd never seen anyone dodge like that either... This was before I got my powers so he was a real threat! But when he had me pinned to the ground, hand on my neck... put your eyebrows down, Lux they're gonna hit my roof, it wasn't like that! But... something stopped him. He hesitated. For a moment, he wasn't Ekko the Firelight and I wasn't Jinx the criminal... I think... He saw Powder in my eyes then. Whatever was left of her and he couldn't bring himself to kill me." She would never forget the look on his face. "I had... Other priorities. And a tricked-out grenade. I pulled the pin and waited..."

Lux softened again, and it was at this point that Jinx realized that she had tried to blow herself up a lot along with her enemies back then. Like, every other fight she'd tried to take herself out, even when she had Isha... Damn, she had NOT been okay in the slightest.

"Well, I know he made it out," said Lux, she had to make the lights dim a bit. When had she made them that bright? "So... How did you...?"

"Same way anyone in Zaun made it out of anything back then. Ekko pushed us out of the way. Saved us both."

Lux was starting to idolize this boy she'd never met. I mean, kid makes it growing up in Zaun, starts a freedom fighter gang and then pulls Jinx?! AFTER that big fight on the bridge?! 'Boy Saviour' sounded right! She HAD to meet this absolute hero someday! She hoped, whenever her witch left for home (ouch) maybe she could bring her friends to visit someday... Or, perhaps very selfishly, that she could tag along.

"Anyways, next thing I know I'm strapped to a chair. Silco had taken me to this crackpot scientist he knew. Brilliant man, but Gods he was messed up! Like, he had issues and that's coming from me! Just straight up creepy... Anyhow, he pumped me full of drugs until I got better... And I got superpowers out of it, so that was a plus!"

"I'd been meaning to ask about that... We've been running tests on me for weeks but what exactly is it you can do?"

Ooh, a chance to flex? Don't mind me! "I call it 'Chemhead Strength'! On command!"

"Isn't that a derogatory term...?"

Jinx walked over to Pow-Pow on the ground and lifted it with a single hand. "You tell me, Flashlight!" Her eyes glowed purple when she used her powers... Lux thought it was absolutely sick. And hey! There's something we have in common!

"Strength was just one part of the deal!" She said, putting the gatling gun down gently next to Fishbones. A flash of purple later she was sitting next to Lux again, like she'd never moved at all. Lux hadn't even seen her cross the room! "Speed's only good for short bursts, though. Little hops and dashes here and there. I can't exactly run from here to Piltover-Zaun in the blink of an eye, but I can cross a room no problem." She said it as non-chalantly as she could. She was suddenly feeling herself quite a bit.

"Last but not least came endurance. I speak from experience when I say you could put me through a brick wall and I'd walk it off!" She was actually pretty proud of that one. It had come in handy more than she'd like to admit...

"That's so...! Wait. From experience?"

"Yeah, you can thank my sister for that. I'm getting there." She was so excited getting to show off that she'd momentarily forgotten where her story took her next... She sunk herself into the couch. "You were right, you know? The person I had been up until getting strapped to that chair was the result of circumstance. A lost little girl who hadn't had the power or the nerve to right her wrongs. To work on herself. Who had been too clouded by her own grief and rage to see it... And I thank you for letting me understand that." Though a part of her still didn't fully believe it.

"You are so very welcome, friend." Lux was feeling herself now too.

"Having said that..." She steeled herself for this one. "Who I was after that, was all me. That I can't deny. That I won't deny. I did some messed up things, and I won't pretend I didn't. So... If you still want to hear it... know that that was MY choice. Alright?"

Lux nodded her head again. This felt heavy. She took a deep breath as discreetly as she could.

"Remember." Jinx said, straightening on the couch. "You wanted this."

"And I still do. If you feel like it."

"I think I just might, Flashlight."

She told her everything.

Kidnapping Caitlyn in the shower...

"You saw your sister's girlfriend naked before she did?" Lux mostly asked to distract herself from how terrifying the thought of getting kidnapped naked by a Jinx high off her mind would be. Nope! Just shoot me, thank you very much!

"Yeah, I never gave her enough shit for that... I'll say this, though: I may hate the bitch, but she's fine as fuck for Piltie swine. Gotta give my sis props on bagging that, but you didn't get that from me!"

The tea party...

"I didn't know what was going on... I just heard them, all of them at once... Some insane combo of schizophrenia and all the chems in my system telling me to shoot... Anything. I fired on Vi and Caitlyn... I didn't hit Vi and Caitlyn." Her voice was so small saying this, Lux wanted to hug her again, but too many in one night would probably lose its effect... She'd try it anyway later. For now, let her get this out, just like she'd needed to vent about Sylas. Jinx was fighting her demons and she was proud to stand by her side while she did.

"Silco bled out in my arms... riddled with holes, straight from his d-daughter's hands... And he still didn't blame me..." The words rang in her head again, whether a twisted reflection of Fiddlesticks' vision or exactly what had happened, she couldn't tell. You're perfect just the way you are...

She needed a moment after that. She couldn't tell if Lux had grabbed her hand or if she had grabbed hers. It didn't matter, she supposed.

She may not have had tears left tonight, but her eyes still hurt.

"Still here, Jinx." Lux said, squeezing the hand a bit. To kill your own father... Twice! And one that loved you regardless of who or what you were, at that... Lux couldn't imagine the pain. The grief. This girl was made of iron.

Jinx simply nodded her head in acknowledgment.

"What I did next took the cake, though." She couldn't help but glance at Fishbones. "The absolute finest crash-out Zaun ever spawned..."

The explosion of the Council...

Lux was starting to see why Jinx thought she might be... apprehensive about her past.

Here's a girl from nothing, who was seen as a menace (and at her worst moments, was a menace), who the downtrodden minority saw as a symbol of hope and rebellion, as a light in the dark! And she had now effectively killed a large number of the people in charge of the pseudo-regime they were all rebelling against.

Jinx had, Lux realized to her nausea, unintentionally become everything Sylas wanted to be by complete accident.

Maybe her new friend was afraid that Lux would shun her because of that. To tell the whole truth to herself, there was a knot in her stomach thinking of the parallels between this reclusive not-a-witch and the rebel very-much-a-mage... But Lux, maybe due to foolishness or hope or clarity or experience or some weird mixture of all of the above, realized that there was one key difference between the two: While both Jinx and Sylas had grown up in environments that hated who and what they were, Jinx had had people (criminals and villains, sure, but people nonetheless) that had let her be herself despite the horror and the glares. Silco had been the father she'd needed, and now, without him, she'd gone off the rails and done something the whole of Zaun would live to regret...

Lux realized that Sylas was Jinx, made alone. If all she'd known had been that hate, that grief, she wouldn't be the kooky friend living in the woods she'd come to care for. She'd be a monster, dark and terrifying, that even her light couldn't save from her spite at herself and the world.

And while Jinx had reacted to the pain, Sylas had chosen to inflict it... But then again, Jinx hadn't been kept in isolation for decades just for being herself and existing... Ugh, the whole comparison was so complicated!

A very small part of Lux began to pity Sylas. Oh, who he could have been, if he wasn't alone... Best not to dwell on that... For her own sake.

Jinx then told her of the following weeks... And how she'd met a lovely little street urchin named Isha. The little mute girl had come into her life and just... Decided to stay. No judgement, no hatred... Just love. She was everything she'd needed at the time. Well, her and her other friend (Frenemy? Co-worker? Aquaintence? Second surrogate mother to her child?) Sevika, who hadn't allowed her to be alone, whether intentionally or not. The two apparently hadn't seen eye to eye a lot over the years, but now that Silco was gone, they got to grieve together, and while they still came to blows on occasion, they became each other's rock and bonded over their shared love of little Isha...

Lux found the thought of her friend raising a scrappy child the cutest thing she could imagine. Just her and her little rascal playing games, building little inventions (possibly of mass destruction, but she wouldn't think about that), getting into trouble and being adorable together was enough for Lux to feel her heart grow a size... But she knew how it would end. She knew, after a while it would come to tragedy. So she enjoyed Jinx's smile and joy as she recounted how they used to get beetles to fight and pretended it was this huge spectacle for all to see... But it was just for them. Two orphans that found each other at the bottom of the barrel and made each other's words a better place.

It was the purest love that Jinx had ever known.

Her laughter filled the hut and for a moment her smile was brighter than Lux could ever hope to glow.

Then she told her of how things evolved... How she'd fought Vi and Caitlyn inside the city's guts. How she'd been put through that concrete wall. How Caitlyn had blown off her finger. How Isha had saved her... How she'd become the symbol of revolution for the entirety of Zaun, and how she'd gone into hiding for the next seven months, hearing how people with blue hair had started taking a stand against the Noxians flooding their streets... Oh, yeah! The Noxians! That whole thing also happened!

It really told Lux something about how incredibly messed up the situation was that the actual Empire of Noxus was involved in this tale and she hadn't heard about it until this point. What do you MEAN the greatest military force in the world taking over your city was a side-plot?!

"Yeah, this big unga bitch named Ambessa brought them along. I never really knew what it was she wanted, but it became a problem."

Lux did a double-take. "...Ambessa Medarda? 'THE WOLF', AMBESSA MEDARDA?! THAT AMBESSA?!?!"

"That's the bitch!" Jinx said it like she had no stake in that at all. "Why? Were you a fan of something?"

Now it was Lux that braced herself.

"The Noxians are Demacia's greatest foes! Once every two months almost on the dot they come to our borders trying to conquer us and make us part of that barbaric coalition they call an empire, and you mean to tell me they just showed up one day, with AMBESSA MEDARDA herself and you just... what, lived?! Told her 'No thanks, madame! We do not want to be colonized today! Please leave!' and it just... worked?!"

"Well, to be fair, I only saw the bitch like once. She passed by me when I was breaking into prison..."

"Yeah, and you LIVED! How the fu- wait, did you say you broke into prison...?"

Ah, yes... Isha. "Okay, so... As I became the symbol of a revolution, the most wanted woman in two cities and now one middle finger lighter, it turned out little Isha had been rilling people up. I didn't want to be a symbol, or lead the revolution or anything... I didn't even KNOW there was a revolution for most of it! But Isha... She wanted to do something with it. She wanted to actually inspire people to rise up! So she dressed up as me when I wasn't looking and started going to rallies and meetups, instigating and causing riots in the name of standing up to anyone that would threaten the people of Zaun. Noxians included..."

She continued to tell Lux about how little Isha had been taken during a rally and she and Sevika had gone in to save her... And what had happened inside.

To say Lux was surprised at the Vander fight and reveal was an understatement. Yeah, Jinx had been there. Finding out her father was alive, and more than that, that he'd been turned into a monster was a moment she'd never forget... And naturally, now that her father was back in the picture, it was time to get her sister, who apparently had quit her job back when Caitlyn had shot her middle finger off.

"Lemme tell you, that breakup got her BAD." She told Lux. "She'd been doing underground fights to drown out her pain for seven months and dyed her hair black... So when I found her, she was passed out in her apartment after a night of fighting. Needless to say, she didn't exactly react well to me popping up in her room."

The explanation of the next few hours was... Emotional, to say the least. Lux heard, little by little, as Jinx recounted spending time with her sister, bickering, fighting... bantering. How they found a note their father had left, and how it might have changed things if it had ever been found... How they found Vander again, changed and transfigured into something almost unrecognizable, and how he realized who they were... How for a brief, beautiful time, despite everything, the sisters were and had a family again.

What happened next was hard to hear...

It wasn't the part about the mystery cult leader mage that turned chemheads into robots offering to help their father (though that did catch Lux's attention. Apparently Jinx called him a 'Metal Fortune Cookie'), or the part where Caitlyn came back and turned on Ambessa within about a minute of seeing Violet again (Jinx's sister must have been really something else if she had her ex that whipped after seven months absent). No...

It was the part where the Noxians showed up and somebody killed the cult leader mage, corrupting his connection with all the people he'd helped and causing them to forget themselves... including the now-mindless monster that was Vi and Jinx's father...

How one moment they were a family, holding each other past the pain of a life of strife none of them deserved, and the next, her father was gone, lashing out at whatever moved, his daughters included, wild and in pain, with Noxians on all sides...

It had been little Isha that had known what to do.

The same thing her mama had done so many years ago. That same haunting mistake that had kick-started everything...

And Lux held her through the whole thing.

She had no more tears. She couldn't cry anymore tonight.

For this, she wished she had tears.

Lux killed most of the lights. She left one, small and unimposing, changing from blue to pink, blue to pink, blue to pink... A perfect little candle for her friend's perfect little girl. Jinx thought it was wonderful.

Gods know how long they held each other, but the sun hadn't come up yet, so it was still somewhere deep in the early hours.

"After that, all hell broke loose." She said. She had some mixed feelings about this next part. "The Noxians were everywhere, Cookie - sorry, Viktor- got resuscitated by some insane mix of chems and magic and lost himself as well somewhere in the process. And as if that wasn't enough, he brought the corpse of my dad back to life as a bloodthirsty monster to use in his uprising. Oh, yeah. He kinda gave up on the whole 'help thy neighbor' thing and decided to turn everyone into mindless robots, so we had THAT 'Glorious Evolution' to deal with... Well, the others did. I... I had other plans." Home stretch, Jinx, you're almost there.

"I tried my best to make peace with my sister and then..."

Lux just knew she wasn't going to like what happened next...

"Well, then I remembered that the only way to break a cycle of suffering was to step out of it. To... To remove yourself from it." She put her arm around Lux a little tighter. Lux didn't mind at all. "So I went home. To The Last Drop. Had a whole meltdown, cut my braids off, set the place on fire... And while it burnt I went down to my workshop and made one last little gadget. One just for me. A little monkey bomb. Felt fitting, you know? To... to end it... to end me with it. So I stepped to the nearest ledge and took a deep breath..."

"Oh, Jinx..." Lux didn't have the words. But a part of her understood. There were days (not many, and not often, but there were days) though she would never admit it, when things got so bad... when the pressure of hiding who and what she was became so unbearably crushing that she had eyed her bottle of Petricide Potion a little too longingly...

But the weight of this moment, she couldn't have imagined if she'd tried. And for her friend, she tried.

"It was Ekko that saved my life."

Absolute fucking hero, Lux thought. Whenever she met him (and now she WOULD meet him!) she owed him a drink.

"He came in, at the nick of time, sweating like he'd run a marathon and talked me down from blowing us both up... He... He just sat with me. Just... Let me get it out. No judgement, no fight, no snarky remark, just... time. Time enough to tell me... Well, it sounded ridiculous, but I couldn't help but listen, you know? He said that in the time since I lost my finger he'd been stuck on this other version of the world. Apparently, he and Jayce and a Yordle professor from Piltover just happened to be messing with this huge magical reactor at the same time and ended up stranded in another reality."

"And the Noxians were the side-plot?"

"Yeah, I still don't fully get it myself. But... he told me about this other life. This other world where nothing bad happened after the heist... Other than Vi not making it out, but that's not the point. He told me of this other Jinx... One that never stopped being Powder. For a second I thought he was gonna rub it in my face. 'Look what you could have been!' or 'She was so much better than you!' but... He didn't. Hell, he saw the good in her and told me that all that mattered is that that was somewhere in me too. He didn't try to change me. Just... show me I could do good with who I was. That I wasn't broken. That I still had time to figure out a way to make myself work... To make us work... if I wanted it. And I wanted it, Lux. I really REALLY did. And that he would be there every step of the way..."

No romance novel Lux had ever read (and there had been quite a few) could ever come close to that. Gods above, he gave up the perfect life for her!

"You'll... umm..." Jinx cleared her throat. Now she knew she was all red. "You'll have to forgive me for not going into detail about how the next few hours went."

"Oh, worry not, mon chère." Said Lux, not even trying to hide her playful grin. "I've always been told I have an incredibly active imagination and I'm more than happy to put it to good use!"

Jinx smacked her in the arm and chuckled. What a rollercoaster tonight had been!

"Anyway, after a few hours of making new gear, changing our looks and making up-"

"And out!"

"-WE managed to convince Zaun to join the fight against the Noxians on the side of Piltover. Brought the whole thing together for the first time since... I don't even know how long! Also made this huge flying machine to get us there. I think it's the best entrance I've ever pulled, if I'm being honest! Colors and bullets flying everywhere... Noxians and robot-people getting knocked every which way... Lux, I think it's the closest I've come to making actual magic happen. Then Ekko took off to help out in the fight..." Her tone changed for what must have been the 10th time tonight. "I heard he made it out, but..."

"Was he okay...?"

"I don't know... I never saw him again."

Lux was genuinely speechless.

"I joined up with Vi and got jumped by what was left of dad... We fought. As hard as we could. We... tried to get him back to us. To talk, but he wouldn't listen. Like there was nothing left to listen... Except there must have been, in the end..."

This was the last of it... Just get this out and you're free.

"He grabbed me, and I let myself fall into the bowels of the city with him. I pulled out the monkey bomb and got ready to blow us both to hell, but... at the last second, he... softened. One last act as my dad, I guess. His claws relaxed around me and I got the smallest opening possible to dash away. I left the bomb to go off with him and jumped into an old ventilation duct on the way down as the colors exploded around us... And after that... I was gone."

Jinx felt herself relax, for the first time in... probably months. Someone knew now. The whole thing, beginning to end, and she was still here.

"Remember when I said the only way to break a cycle is to remove yourself from it? Well, that's what I did. My sister would never move on if I stayed in her life, and Caitlyn only left me alone at the time because she loved my sister more than she hated me, which side-note: I blew up her MOM after the tea party, kinda skimmed over that before, so Vi must've had her on a leash! But she'd have to go after me again, if I showed my face... And Ekko? He'd find a way to kill himself for me at the first sign of danger... Better to leave him sad but alive. I lo-... I care for him too much to curse him with me. To give him that chance to play hero one too many times. Did keep his hoodie, though. That's for me... So I stowed away on a blimp (always wanted to ride one of those things, by the way) and flew wherever people wouldn't look for me. Where the name 'Jinx' wasn't on everyone's mouth... Where I could disappear into the dark, and curse the ones I loved no more..." And for a while, she thought, it had worked.

"Just your luck a Mage comes knocking on your door."

"Yes. Luck." Jinx admitted. She allowed herself to smile. "The best luck. And not to get sappy but... I'm really glad you did, Lux."

"Well why would we get sappy now?" The glowy Demacian girl quipped, and Jinx knew she'd made a friend for life.

"Anyway, that's me!" She said, standing from the couch she had practically fused with over the last... Hour? Or two? Meh, whatever. "You wanna take the bed? It's not much of a bed, but you're not sleeping on the couch after sitting through all of THAT."

Lux hadn't even thought about how she was going to spend the night here until this exact moment.

"Oh, no! I couldn't! I wouldn't want to impose..."

"Girl, I told you I was a wanted terrorist and you hugged me so hard you provided mood lighting. You're taking the bed."

"I-" She sputtered, but Jinx practically lifted her off the couch and started dragging her to her ramshackle little room. She really was deceptively strong.

As Jinx unceremoniously carried her through the door at the back of the hut, Lux got her first look at her friend's room. A big, thatch bed and a couple of hand carved drawers (wow, she'd had a LOT of free time on her hands!), a big window to the outside with the floppiest curtains Lux had ever seen, a little shelf over at the side of the wall with a bunch of little trinkets of her own making, a little mini-workbench for Zapper, Lux presumed, and a standing mirror in a corner of the room in front of the bed.

Jinx dropped her on the bed like an unruly kitten.

"Jinx, I can't. Noble or not, I'm a soldier! I could sleep on the floor! It's no problem, really!" She was just making excuses now.

"You are NOT sleeping on the floor!" Jinx went, taking off Lux's boots and gently (at least she thought it was gentle... she was moving a lot!) tucked her in. Which implied holding her down on the bed and just dropping a big blanket on her. "You are my guest and my friend and I'll be damned if I let you treat yourself like that in my house!"

"But it's your bed! Where are you gonna sleep?!"

"Uh, couch? I was already sinking into it before! Never let it be said I'm not a good host!"

"That doesn't feel right." Lux protested. Even if she was already snug as a bug in a rug.

"Well, we're not gonna cuddle. Buy me dinner first!" Jinx jested. She thought she was being funny. She clearly didn't know who she was dealing with.

So she almost jumped out of her skin when Lux answered with "Deal!"

...

"Um... Excuse me?"

"Dinner! Or lunch, or whatever! Because you know what, Jinx?" Lux sat up and spoke with authority, trying to hide how incredibly red she was at the moment and failing miserably. She'd just answered out of reflex! And she didn't think of Jinx like that... though she had to admit she enjoyed being carried juuuuust a little bit too much. "We went through something horrible tonight. And it was so bad you told me your whole life story! And on top of that, we have both been through a lot! Each of us has dealt with Noxians and a revolution! Hell, I'm still dealing with mine! So we're taking tomorrow off! As soon as my shift is over at midday, I'm going to make an excuse and I'm coming to get you, and I'm going to show you what Demacia is all about! Outside of the mageism, the swords and shields, the politics... You let me into your home, Firework, so now you gotta let me show you mine!"

Jinx slowly realized how dangerous letting Lux call her 'Firework' had really been. She was a bit overwhelmed at all the aggressive kindness. "Look, that sounds wonderful and all, but I haven't gotten to the cities for a reason! What if someone recognizes me?! And besides, I only have two outfits..."

"Then I'll sneak you a dress or something!"

"Oh, don't you DARE, Flashlight! Do I look like the kinda gal that wears a dress?!"

Lux had to admit she thought she'd look cute in one. Like a big ragdoll!

"You won't know if you don't try it!" She said. And she was really getting excited now. "If you don't like it, I won't push, but please try it? For me?"

Big round eyes... Waaaay too big, but they did the trick!

Jinx sighed in defeat. "Fine... Tomorrow. But nothing fancy, okay? I was never exactly high class or nothing." She smiled a bit. When was the last time she'd let herself have nice things?

"Yes! You're going to love it!" Lux let herself light up a little. "I'll pick out something simple for you to wear, nothing too fancy! Don't worry, it's going to be lovely." Okay, maybe she was a bit too excited about this...

"Okay, whatever. See you tomorrow..." Jinx stretched and went to the door. "Goodnight, Flashlight."

"Goodnight, Jinx!" There she went, rolling Js again.

When Jinx closed the door, she let herself lean on it a bit and breathe a sigh of relief. Like a huge weight had lifted off her shoulders at last... She smiled wide. And for a moment, nothing was wrong in the world. She said it to herself, mostly. Barely a whisper before going to sleep.

"Isha would have loved you."

And she thought Lux didn't hear it, but now it was the noble who had to fight back the tears...

[givemewallywestorgivemedeath]

Growing up in an extremely ultra religious, cult-like family was a mindfuck for multiple reasons but that doesn't stop unfortunately, even when you escape. For example, see: The overwhelming feeling of boiling hatred and shame for who you used to be.

The angry hatred for the past person I used to be, the version of myself that mindlessly parroted my family's beliefs and listened to their every command, constantly simmered under my skin and invaded my every thought. I was embarrassed of what I used to be- even as I made friends of different ethnicities and faiths, as I listened and explored new ideas and worlds that I never knew existed, as I started the first LGBTQ+ club at my school and volunteered with kids who deserved so much more- there was always a little voice in the back of my head.

"They would hate you if they knew what you were. They would hate the horrendous teachings that were seared into your mind, the things that you used to say and believe. You are nothing but a pretender."

And it is true that my beliefs were bigoted in all the worst ways. It is true that I believed truly heart-wrenching things without a second thought and judged others in such harsh and unfair ways. I told myself that there was no coming back from that, not really. There was nothing I could do to ever make up for it.

Then I remembered that the person who said those things wore velcro light up sneakers and collected finger puppets that the librarians handed out as awards for reading picture books. The person that held signs at pro-life rallies and anti-LGBTQ+ protests had a cherished sticker book and hunted minnows in the creek after school and adored their puffle on club penguin and was really into greek mythology and had skinned knees from climbing trees at recess and knew every Disney song by heart and was absolutely terrified of the dark.

That person was a child.

I was a child.

It took a really long time. Years and years of reflection and distance, but I've decided that I can't hate the past version of myself anymore. I feel pity and remorse, I feel anger- I feel so much fury and violent rage- at what my childhood was and I grieve what could- no, should- have been, but I no longer resent who I was.

I'm not ashamed.

I am so, so, so unbelievably proud of that little kid. For being brave enough to leave the comfort and safety of what I was told was right. For not being afraid to be wrong. For seeking out information and knowledge in a culture that praised ignorance. For questioning everything, relentlessly.

I am by no means a perfect person, I never have been and I never will, but I am proud of myself in every iteration that has ever existed because I know that I have never stopped trying to understand and learn and grow, and I never will.

If you have ever been in a similar situation and feel similar things, first of all: My condolences on your lost childhood. Second of all: Please be nice to that past version of yourself and recognize all the hard work they did to make you who you are today. That person was a survivor and an inspiration. They deserve nothing but love.

[chloecherrysip]

Mario watching his and Luigi's commercial in Punch-Out Pizzeria

[sysig]

A lot of early concept stuff was expression/pose brainstorming - there’s the classic six Webkinz emotions (which, I learned have been largely pared down to just four after a point! Since they got rid of Dr. Quack’s role, there’s no more “sick” expression and most ‘Kinz’ tired and sad expressions are the same! >:0 What’s the point of having an easily editable puppet with the spaghetti code intact that you have to put an image there AnyWay and not make a slightly different expression!! H’f) as well as the main Sakura poses - so if I’m already making up expressions, why no go a little further! :D

One of the expressions I definitely needed up top was Mischievous - working with a cat, that’s the only logical conclusion really. I think it’s funny that she swerves the compliment only to pay it right back as well lol

The ticklish expression is one I’m still going back and forth on! I’m half tempted to have it be somewhere between happy and angry - maybe a mood gradient, starting out just positive and slowly moving into “Hey stop! >:0″ if it’s too many times in a row? It’s a thought haha

Similarly so, messing with her ears - bothering your pets is a very important element of socialization (lol)

As seen above, I’d reallyyy like to figure a way to have a dual-visual mood system - both the ‘Kinz body language/expression/emotion and a more exact stat bar. I’m still chewing on this idea a bit, no pun intended lol. That and click-and-drag with an actual image you can drag around your screen, hm and hm! Much to think about. Her face here turned out cute and funny haha, helped me push the expression more comedic

Much better :) Webkinz already has some well-known food dialogue, my favourite is probably “Mmm to the mmmax!” haha

Each low-mood would have their own emotion tied to it, but what about somewhere in the middle? I like the idea of the ‘Kinz getting bored if they’re left alone for too long! And little paw taps, showing off her embroidered paw pad haha ♪

[buttercup-art]

hey

[skitskatdacat63]

More matador!Fernando! Ferrari this time :D (I can't help myself.....)

- facial hair

+ closeups

I really wanted the vibe of this Nando pic, I think I did pretty well??

[mister13eyond]

talking to a friend about getting back into art and i think the #1 most important piece of art advice i could ever get or give is just "figure out what is FUN to you"

like i think there is sooooo much emphasis on how to build SKILL in art but a lot of it really treats art like a job or like video game grinding, like it's this thankless job that you have to work at in order to reach a Threshold and i know it's not EASY to make yourself have fun but like

imo a solid 70% of the reason i create art is because the Act of Drawing is fun to me. it's fun problem-solving and planning and putting down lines and playing with colors and tools. it's fun to depict little scenes in my head or to create outfits or to find ways to fill the canvas. never forget that creating can be fun. sometimes it's hard and sometimes you have to battle through your own blockades to get there but the ultimate goal should always be to ENJOY it, to find what you enjoy doing and then do it forever. improvement will follow enjoyment.

i think especially with all the debate about ML image generation it's more important than ever to embrace FUN. if you're only focused on the end result it's so easy to get in your own head- to think about what doesn't look good or what skills you don't have yet or to compare yourself to other artists. but photography didn't kill the art of drawing and AI won't either because, simply put, there will always be people who want to do the physical act of making art because it's fun to do! using paints and markers, splashing colors around, doing shitty pen doodles, using the symmetry tool in your art program to do abstract mandalas that are just squiggles formed into patterns. do art like you're 5 and you've been handed markers to pass the time. do art like you're bored in class and you're keeping your brain entertained by drawing stick figure comics in the margins. do art like an absent thing, do art because it satisfies your brain. the goal is not to make something beautiful and perfect, the goal is to make something because your hands need to make and your body needs to make.

[lothbats9000]

Helloooo your art is so amazing and I love it very much :)

Keep making beautiful masterpieces of art and remember to stay hydrated ^-^

I hope you have a fantastic day/night!

aldkjlk asdlkjsd Thank you! Thank you so much! You made my entire day! And probably like the next five also!

My little comic got way more love then I could have possibly expected and I've been flabbergasted all day in the best way possible.

I don't know what else to say, words are failing me so uuhhhh... have some disaster twins from "The Clothes Don't Make the Turtle" episode! :D

AND I hope that you have a fantastic day/night as well!

[paranormaljones]

I cannot keep having this conversation with my mom.

[opens-up-4-nobody]

The way that the sun hits leaves and clouds. I feel like I could watch the colors change forever. If I could slow down for that long.

[vaguehotels]

had the most braindead repetitive conversation/argument with my parents. buzz cuts are too masculine but if you dye a design on it it become effeminate which is bad because then you look weak and if youre weak then society falls apart (all societies ever that have fallen apart for any reason are actually because of feminine men) and we start sacrificing babies. and also all mental illness is invented because only 4 people had anxiety in the 90s and covid was made up so that we would all become gay and trans and then the government can control us better and be joe biden's little sex slaves. and also i need to keep my hair long because my father finds it attractive. what

[greensagephase]

I saw on one of your recent posts that you mentioned your birthday is on Wednesday so I wanted to take the time and wish you a very happy birthday!! 🥳✨ (but if I'm early then happy early birthday!!) You are absolutely the sweetest and nicest person I've ever talked to and the first moot I've ever just interacted with this much on here!! and I truly enjoy every one of our conversations and of course, your amazing stories!! Reading your stories and taking the time to talk with you on here has made the rest of my year so much better, really!🥹 Especially with school and everything, and you’ve also given me so much inspiration to draw after not doing so after some time. I’ll try not to make this too long but Alondra, you’re an amazing and wonderful person (and writer!!), and I wish you all the best, always!!! ❤️✨

Also wanted to make you a little drawing/card for your birthday!! ✨ I wanted to include the color “Rosa Mexicano” with some of the flowers as you mentioned wanting to include it with your spidersona to honor your Mexican Heritage and it's such a beautiful color. Also wanted to include the color sage green (or at least a version of it) because I’m guessing you also like that color too from your username! (and it's also just a great color!) I hope you have an amazing birthday Alondra, you deserve the best!! 🥳🥳

There's about ten minutes left before the 6th is over for me and THIS IS THE BEST WAY TO END MY BIRTHDAY ❤️😭 @sunsetdoodler I started to freak out as soon as I scrolled down a bit to keep reading and saw there was an image attached and then I saw it and STARTED TO SCREAM - I LOVE IT SO MUCH OH MY GOD!!!! IT'S PERFECT AND SO SO SWEET THANK YOU😭😭😭 I'm literally crying as I type this because it's one of the best gifts I've ever received, THANK YOU !!! I'm just going to keep saying it, I'm sorry !! But oh my god!! Yes, I love the color sage green!! I like green overall but sage green is one of my favorite shades of it!! I've had this username for about two years since I started liking the color and I thought it was just going to be a phase, so that's where my username came from lol but I'm still in love with it two years later! THE FACT YOU INCLUDED ROSA MEXICANO, NO, I LOVE YOU FR!!! THANK YOU for including it ❤️❤️ also the decorations on the cake!!! They look like poinsettias to me and I absolutely love them!! My mom gets me an arrangement every year for my birthday, so I'm just delighted by that detail, I'm seriously crying right now but they're happy tears!!! 🥹 I'm really sorry for screaming but THEN THERE'S MIGUEL - STOP IT, I'M CRYING EVEN MORE NOW!!! HE LOOKS SO SWEET AND SOFT AND HIS SMILE????!!! SCREAMING AND CRYING!!! AND THE LITTLE BLUSH??? I'M LITERALLY GIGGLING AND KICKING MY FEET WHILE CRYING !!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT IT - YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND!!!!! ❤️😭

Thank you so much for the sweet words and birthday wishes @sunsetdoodler😭You're one of the few moots I interact with and it has also made my last half of the year so much better!!! I genuinely didn't think that I'd be on here interacting much since I had no plans to write this much, which is really funny to think about now, haha! But I'm so thankful I'm on here and that you went off anon because we're moots ❤️I really enjoy talking with you when possible (which by the way, I meant to reply today to part 8's drawing but today just kind of went by, I'm sorry!!) and just getting to interact with you and hear about your schooling, which I hope everything is going well with, and life overall!!! You've given me so much inspiration for Miguel, too and your drawings, as always, make my days!!!! Please know that I truly cherish everything and us being moots makes me so happy I decided to start writing on here!!!!!❤️

@sunsetdoodler my birthday was a great one this year!! I had the amazing opportunity to spend it with my loved ones again and I had some bomb food as well (barbacoa and rice with homemade tortillas and some agua de Jamaica to drink!). It was already an amazing day and your drawing/card and sweet words and wishes were just the best way to end my 25th birthday!! THANK YOU SO, SO, SO MUCH!!!! It means so much to me, seriously, thank you from the bottom of my heart @sunsetdoodler❤️❤️❤️ I hope everything is going well with school and life in general, as always!!! And I'm sending you a warm virtual hug!!! THANK YOU ( I said it so much but seriously, THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!)!!!✨❤️✨

[karineverse]

I made a highschool au of sans aus for fun like a year ago and decided that ink will be named Kane now (reference to you)

I will fucking cry and kiss you...

[sysig]

VUXPet (Patreon)

[smile-files]

this might be a hot take... but if you care about disavowing media made by bad people out of fear of looking like a bad person yourself more than you care about actually doing good things... you might have your priorities (and your morals) screwed up a bit :/

(see my tags for more of my thoughts on this topic! please try to avoid making make bad-faith assumptions about what i mean!)