#I'm so autistic about this book you don't understand

[smellybead]

I'm seeing a lot more of the lotf fandom on here than I thought existed... should I... post my lotf art

lotf fandom please I'm so cool and autistic and cool

also in general, I haven't posted much of my recent (and complete) art so I'm keen to do that bc my art has changed a bit and I'm quite proud of some recent stuff ^^

[the-haven-keepers-collective]

My first attempt at writing that's vaguely like poetry: from a dragon

I am not what you think.

I walk around, awkward limbs and flighty mannerisms, and you think I’m strange. You have no idea how strange you would think I am if you only saw what was underneath.

Underneath, I am a creature of the ocean. Something that could never pass as human, and no longer wants to. Saltwater rushes through my veins in secret, silent to everyone but me. To me, it’s a roaring sound of the waves that I have never seen except for within my soul. It yearns to dissolve into the ocean like it could long ago, but for now those days are over and I am hidden underneath skin and muscle.

Underneath, there are wings; fins; antlers. They ache to tear from my back, through my skull. Nonetheless, they stay hidden for me, safe in the silence. Protected like I protected my kin in a lifetime so close to the surface and yet unreachable. Wrapped in a form that no longer coils around them like a serpent, but keeps them hidden from predators well enough I suppose.

I suppose.

I accept my form reluctantly and do what I can to make it mine. I shape it to feel better when I discover my gender, and when I can’t shape it to fit my true self I cover it in things that feel a little more like home. A little more draconic. A little more like the ocean that I never have seen, but feel homesick for anyway.

I do find joy in being in this body, at least. Out there, there are others. Angels working minimum wage, dragons sitting on a park bench, wolves buying groceries. We hide, but we do so to be free. We walk through crowds, and no one notices our scales and fur and feathers. But we do. We see each other, even if from miles away, and we see what’s underneath.

And underneath, none of us are what you think.

(Tags for side commentary/context)

[brittlebutch]

finally found a place to read With the Light online and i'm thrilled; if you haven't read this manga i do Legitimately recommend it

[unproduciblesmackdown]

also if only the physical copy of how to disappear completely & never be found i first encountered & read a few years ago (sort of [roughly avg age ten] reader book, not any similarly titled How To) hadn't disappeared completely & not been found since, probably b/c i put it somewhere i intended to be For Safekeeping, which is also how my binder vanished....b/c it's one of those like. those book for late elementary/middle school readers when they just weave in this unrealism which makes for a delightful range & unpredicability? and with a cynical protagonist girl like off to the races like wow her mom is depressed asf & smoking? and it's about A Family History Secrets Mystery so blatantly a haunting that the inciting incident is basically introducing a haunted [family history secrets mystery] house. and spoilers don't matter like it's stemming from there being this missing uncle who grew up so in contrast to the Winsome Winning Sibling Who Does It All Right while seeing his own affiliation with rats that he tried to disappear completely & never be found which led to this Tragedy which led to this more unintended disappearance of his & he haunts this house & wants to be left alone & only goes out at night with this [ambiguous Is That A Giant Rat Or Weird Small Dog (protagonist affected by these family situations who expresses her preoccupation with an awareness of how fate can Strike and Get you with this interest with roving packs of killer chihuahuas. people think she's weird though she spontaneously befriends this other girl struck with this bolt from the blue & a bit weird / outcast & then Insightful who i wish was in it more)] & plays into the hauntedness danger like playing into the [something's Wrong with you then] until having to take yet more action where the urge to express the truth comes out more both b/c living that hidden is more threatened but also b/c now the niece children are more threatened as well. ft. a sort of preternatural blurring of time b/c of only being communicated with through this uncle via his comic pages (that he paints?) of dubiously accurate translations of irl events that are created so quickly it seems to verge on foresight, imagine like "hmm what's this painting. it's me standing in this room looking at this painting??? as someone ominous lurks in the shadows right behind me?" in both [now how could you know this & paint it really fast ahead of time] and [horror]

[jinx-blackout-84]

Having ocs is so great because it's like yeah this is my emotional support guy. I made him up. Yeah I just draw him on everything. Yeah I kick him whe im bored. He's kinda traumatized but don't worry about that.

[usuallydyinginside]

TLDR: Francesca Bridgerton is Autistic. Fight me.

Okay so I did not go into Season 3 of Bridgerton expecting to have any feelings about Francesca Bridgerton. We have seen her only in glimpses in the show and I have not read the books, so I knew basically nothing about her before binging the first four episodes.

But guys. GUYS. I will die for this autistic queen.

Okay, so starting with first impressions. We know that on her big day, Francesca went out of her way to avoid her nosy, loud family by having a very early, quiet breakfast by herself and then calming down via playing the piano (clearly a special interest of hers).

In her first balls, we see Francesca light up any time she talks about music (clearly her current or forever special interest) but as soon as men try to take it to a flirting place she IMMEDIATELY shuts down. It's clear that even as she states very matter-of-factly that she plans to marry this season, she also is baffled and uncomfortable any time someone tries to actually, ya know, court her.

At one of her first shindigs, she got attention and then went up to her brother and (while making almost no eye contact) told him (rather than asked him) that she needed a sec.

She then sat by herself in the side of the ballroom.

Later on, she left a ball in search of quiet and solitude to fix her sensory overload, so she went outside this time. (A thing that we know from pervious seasons is a HUGE no-no, particularly unchaperoned. But she was very respectfully near the door so maybe that's fine?) The point is that she cares very much about staying respectable so she can get this marriage thing over with and get people to stop perceiving her, yet she risks some scandal by going outside just so she can be somewhere quiet alone.

Enter: this absolute (also autistic) Prince Charming.

He says hello (so she knows he's not like trying to sneak up on her in the dark like a creep) and then just stands there. 10/10, no notes, best way to flirt I have ever seen in my life.

Seriously just look at this. I'm in love. Never before has there been a greater sign of love at first sight than in this "standing politely five feet apart in total silence in the middle of a ball and enjoying each other's company."

I need to go watch these first four episodes about a hundred more times, but I THINK this might be the first sincere smile we see from Francesca??!? I at least got the impression immediately that this is the first time she's felt genuinely comfortable and happy while not entirely alone this season.

Like, these nerds did not even exchange names. They barely exchanged a word. Yet you can see them falling head over heels in love right there in that moment. I don't even LIKE love at first sight tropes and they have my whole heart. They are the only exception.

Then, of course, you have this second absolutely iconic Scene of Silence where the entire Bridgerton family stares in neurotypical confusion a these two amazing weirdos. The way these two do not know each other but they DO know each other. The way they are both so happy and so comfortable but also still playing the whole society game the way they were told they had to?? I just don't have words right now.

LOOK AT HER SMILE, GUYSSSSSSSS.

Look how happy this tiny, silent moment is making her. How she understands immediately what he's doing and is absolutely delighted to participate too even knowing her entire family is hardcore judging them from not that far away.

And then you get this smug little look from him and it's like you can see his autistic ass thinking, "Yes. I calculated correctly. This was the correct romance option. Gold star to me." (Okay, maybe that's just how my brain works but shhhhh)

Which, of course, brings us to this absolutely hilariously awkward ND attempt at flirting. We start off with some fairly normal "whoops, I'm flustered cause you make me nervous" sort of moments, but notice how little eye contact she makes. How she only looks in his eyes very briefly and it seems like she almost has to remind herself to do so when she's doing the "polite" answers (OR later when she's genuinely interested in a topic).

So as soon as Francesca is like "oh shit, I ruined it. I forgot how to neurotypical. It's over" then she loses patience with the practiced social niceties.

I spent like 30 minutes trying to find a GIF and I should already be asleep so I'm not going to go learn how to make one BUT I needed to look up exactly what happens next cause it's basically the most autistic thing I've ever seen.

WHICH IS that in response to the second awkward silence after Francesca shares all of this, John's response is, "That is helpful. If you'll excuse me."

Then dude bro just WALKS AWAY WITHOUT ANOTHER WORD.

Like it would be awkward anyway but now Francesca thinks she misread a social cue so she's feeling sad, and meanwhile this absolute king is over here on a romantic mission no one asked him to do because he is that set on showing her he's listening and cares.

The man shows up at the ball and as soon as he had a paper we were all screaming "he wrote her a song!!!"

Again, notice the eye contact (or lack thereof). I think with period dramas and women, it's easy to just go "oh she's just shy" or "she's just being demure like she's supposed to" but like NO. This girl does not want to meet anyone's eyes.

Until she does. Because in moments where she's talking about music or enjoying quiet, it's worth it to purposefully meet his eyes and see how he's feeling too. To make sure he can see she's happy.

ANYWAY, it was so much better than him writing a song for her.

SO. MUCH. BETTER.

Because he didn't just give her any ol' music. He sought out the music they'd specifically heard in the street, and he took her exact specifications on what was "wrong" with the music, and he FIXED IT. He then put the whole thing on sheet music and handed her a copy with no further explanation than this.

Our autistic lass was so excited she basically sprinted out of that ball so she could find a piano. (Which, the fact that she does this rather than try to stay and flirt/dance with the man who just gave her this incredible gift ALSO says a lot, just saying. Daphne could never.)

So our girl finds a piano and GUYS. LOOK AT HOW HAPPY SHE IS.

I'm pretty sure this woman would accept a proposal right this second. Maybe make one herself. She is so head over heels in love with this man that it's absurd. We have watched her mask in these first four episodes, but the last two where she's interacting with John are the first times she seems genuinely happy and like the real her is shining through.

Like, does she enjoy her family? Sure. But it's obvious (and she even tells us) that she finds them overwhelming and generally to be A Lot. But these scenes? This gesture?

You can just get how seen she feels. How weird and wild and amazing it is to her that this man can see who she actually is and wants to join her there instead of making her play some part of the perfect Bridgerton who likes to be the center of attention.

(And even here - the EYE CONTACT. She glances at people when she's talking to them, but the way she looks at the sheet music is so much more intense and intimate and personal than anytime she's looking at the average person in the show. She still even in places she's most comfortable, such as sitting at the piano, makes very little eye contact and only at very specific moments.)

Anyway I'm going to sleep now but I'm sure I'll add more thoughts as they come to me. Feel free to add your own case for why Francesca is autistic and/or otherwise neurodivergent. I want to hear allllllll the thoughts.

[drchucktingle]

One of my fav podcasts is doing an episode on you and I'm shaking my head because they're not real buckaroos and they don't understand that you write because love is real and everyone should have joy in their lives. They're just making jokes and I'm like "at least buckaroos embrace what makes us happy"

yes this is interesting thing that happens with my trot A LOT. i usually will repost a podcast or interview if someone does a nice talk on chuck, but there is STILL a large portion of folks who seem to have the irony poison pumping through their veins and cant come to terms with the fact that my work is sincere

you can pretty dang quickly tell if someone is laughing AT you or laughing WITH you. i have trotted onto interviews where i IMMEDIATELY know i am getting laughed at and honestly that is okay. i cant really blame them because i know the way the culture of irony swirls around us and swallows everything up, especially online. i also know that as i trot forward and break down walls of 'low brow' and 'high brow' art there will be resistance, ALL the good trots forward will face resistance.

HOWEVER it also has to be said that a lot of this is just plain old SUBCONSCIOUS BIAS (or maybe conscious bias sometimes) against queer people and neurodivergent people. if my work was straight and i followed the neurotypical template for art i would not be treated like this. honestly the most fascinating thing to me is that these otherwise kind, well-meaning or even politically left people are just publicly tearing apart someone for, if you really wanna get down too it, being bi and autistic. i think they would be HORRIFIED is someone pointed that out, and for some reason they cant see it

i think a lot of this has to do with people thinking i am not 'real'. it is much easier to treat a 'character' this way.

but it is fine. its the trot ive got, and if you think about it, even though these folks are resistant to take me seriously and with actual respect for my work, it is actually THEIR loss. a podcast episode where you make fun of my book titles for an hour is SO MUCH LESS INTERESTING than a podcast where you pull apart what im actually doing and the intention behind my work. any time a buckaroo dives into THAT part of it, their analysis resonates across this timeline. so really its the folks makin fun that are missing out

[creature-wizard]

Looks like it's time to talk about starseeds and the New Age movement again.

Since I'm seeing more starseed content being posted, I'm gonna make another post on why the whole starseed thing and the surrounding New Age belief system are... not good.

So for those who don't know, New Age mythology is essentially a hodgepodge of cherrypicked and distorted myths from various cultures, racist pseudohistory, and far right conspiracy theories. To put it very briefly, starseeds are supposedly here to help Earth resist the reptilians, a race of politics-manipulating, war-starting, media-controlling blood-drinking aliens. For those who don't recognize the tropes here, these are basically all antisemitic canards. The reptilian alien myth as most know it today comes from David Icke, who ultimately cribbed a bunch of his material from The Protocols of the Learned Elders of Zion, a Russian hoax created to justify violence against Jews. He was also influenced by the work of people like Fritz Springmeier, a hateful crank who based much of his work on other hateful cranks.

(David Icke, by the way, also claims that transgender is an evil reptilian conspiracy. You'll never find just one form of bigotry with these people.)

There are supposedly numerous alien races out there, and one of the most prominent among them are the Pleiadians, AKA Nordics. While modern depictions of the Pleiadians give them more variety in skintone, there's no denying that older Pleiadian mythology basically pictured them as Aryans In Space, even associating them with the swastika.

You see what's going on here? "Good" swastika-loving Aryan aliens versus "evil" Jewish aliens? Sound familiar?

Racism isn't just a tangential part of the starseed myth, either. It lies at its very core. It's inextricably tied in with the ancient astronaut hypothesis, which has a history of racist motivation behind it. The TL;DR is that a bunch of white people couldn't believe that non-white people had built a bunch of things they couldn't figure out how to build themselves (EG, the Great Pyramids), so they proposed that the real builders were anyone from Atlanteans to aliens. (Atlantis, by the way, never existed; it was a literary device created by Plato.)

One supposed purpose of starseeds is to help the world "wake up to the truth," which basically just means "convert people to New Age spirituality." New Age believes that world peace is contingent on a majority of the world being converted to New Age belief, and that resistance against their belief system is ultimately the work of the aforementioned reptilian aliens.

To put it another way, New Agers think they understand other cultures' spiritual traditions better than the actual members of said cultures, and think that anyone who disagrees with them is being manipulated by the conspiracy, or is an agent of the conspiracy. This includes Indigenous cultures which are already endangered from white Christian colonialism.

Essentially, endangered cultures cannot speak up for themselves and resist New Agers' efforts at cultural assimilation without being labeled a problem and an enemy. It's basically white Christian colonialism repackaged as "spiritual, not religious."

Again - if you heard from these people that some ancient text or myth describes extraterrestrial beings visiting our planet for one reason or another, you heard misinformation. They twist and misrepresent literally every myth and text they get their hands on. For example, you may have heard that the vimanas from Hindu traditions were actually alien spacecraft. They were no such thing. Or maybe you heard that the Book of Enoch describes aliens performing genetic experimentation on humans. It literally does not. At best, all of the stories they cite just kind of sound like aliens if you ignore most of their content and pay no attention to their cultural contexts.

The starseed movement preys on alienated people, especially autistic people and people with ADHD. You can look up nearly any list of signs that you're supposedly a starseed, and many of them will align perfectly with characteristics associated with autism and/or ADHD, or that people with these conditions commonly report. Some people within the movement even go so far as to claim that ADHD and autism don't even exist, but were actually made up by the conspiracy as a cover to suppress and control starseeds, which is some yikes-as-hell ableism.

So basically, people are being told that if they have these certain characteristics or symptoms, that means it's their job to spread New Age spirituality to defeat the conspiracy and help others ascend to the fifth density.

And what's the fifth density, you might ask? It's supposedly humanity's next evolutionary level, because New Age is also based on biological misconceptions. Supposedly once everyone's DNA "upgrades," they'll essentially morph into an aetheric form. Supposedly, this is preceded by a number of "ascension symptoms," including depression, headache, gastrointestinal issues, and any number of other symptoms that could indicate almost anything, including stress.

What many of these people don't realize is, this prediction has already failed. Back in the 2000s and 2010s, experiencing "ascension symptoms" was supposed to precede ascension to 5D beginning December 21, 2012. One lady, Denise Le Fay, was convinced that the hair loss she was experiencing in 2008 was an ascension symptom. As we can see by looking her up, she's very much still with us on the 3D plane these days, repeating the same tired old scripts New Agers recycle endlessly.

By the way, everything you near New Agers saying today about old systems being dismantled, dark forces being arrested or kicked off the planet, and new economic systems on the horizon? They've been recycling these scripts for years now. Take a look at this page written back in 2012. You got stuff about the complete dismantling of an enormous network of sinister forces," "the arrest and removal of a world-wide cabal," and a "new economic system."

("Cabal," by the way, is a dogwhistle term for "Jews.")

Furthermore, people in this movement are often encouraged to try and access past life memories through dreams or hypnosis, which makes the whole thing feel even more real to them. But the thing is, you can have incredibly vivid experiences about literally anything you put your mind to - the people in the reality shifting having vivid experiences of living another life in the Harry Potter universe are a great example of this. Just because you have vivid experiences, doesn't mean they have any bearing on anything happening in this reality.

So yeah, the starseed movement and the larger New Age movement are both extremely harmful. They promote racist pseudohistory, medically-irresponsible pseudoscience, conspiracy theories that target numerous marginalized groups, and functionally target aliened people with ADHD and autism to convince them that spreading its beliefs is their job.

[opossumanon]

Ngl I think a lot of the people who hate the concept of transandrophobia (As in they think it's not real and trans men/mascs are just making shit up) are also ablest against autistics specifically. They probably don't realize it but they are.

I'm gonna list off some things I've experienced.

I've been assumed to be a dumb teenage boy online by someone who twisted around the meaning of my post and wouldn't listen when I tried to elaborate

I've had people scoff when I try to talk about my experiences and insist that it's not a big deal, or I'm just looking too much into it/I'm misunderstanding things

I've had people regard me like I'm adorable, a child, the smol uwu bean who's confused and needs protecting from things he doesn't fully understand

People have interrupted me while I'm talking about something bad that happened to insist that a specific other group has had it worse than me and that I need to stfu

I have been bullied for years now

Now guess: Did these things happen to me because I'm a trans man, or because I'm autistic?

I'm serious I want you to actually sit and think for a second here.

Done?

If you came to the conclusion that it's because of both, you're correct!

Every scenario I listed has happened to me in the context of me being autistic and in the context of me being a trans man. Bigotry against both of these groups is indistinguishable at times.

I also want you to recall the book "Irreversible Damage: The Transgender Craze Seducing Our Daughters". Y'know, the book that says that a lot of trans men are just autistic little girls who have been groomed or were just really fucking stupid and decided to change our gender identities on a whim?

Both transandrophobia and ableism against autistics relies on the bigot believing the following:

The individual is dumb or childish

The individual doesn't understand their problems (or lack of problems) and needs someone to explain it to them, if they're even capable of understanding the dumbed-down explanation

The individual expressing concern about their alleged difficulties is just trying to take attention and resources away from a group that's more oppressed/higher needs

The individual is small and pathetic, until they get angry, when they get angry they are now a chaotic threat that is capable of physically harming people and they must be dealt with immediately because they are unable to see reason

The individual has everything handed to them, so they shouldn't be complaining in the first place

The individual has inherently bad qualities, but they also have a responsibility to "make up" for these bad qualities by being the most submissive person on the planet, failing to "make up" for their bad qualities means that the individual is choosing to hate others and is an entitled asshole

So if you're an autistic person who disagrees with transandrophobia, I'm asking you to stop and reflect and ask yourself if you've been putting down trans men and/or mascs the same way that other people have put you down for being autistic.

If you're not autistic, just fucking do better.

[reonnex]

The infantilization of book!Wylan and show!Wylan really needs to be looked at.

This isnt a call out, or trying to hate on anyone, just an overall thing I've seen throughout being in this fandom

In the books while Wylan is a child he is also 16. People underestimate him into innocent and even younger. And while he is naive, this does not make him innocent. He has his own morals, own judgment that havent been ripped away from him yet. He is just trying to survive.

People use the "we could wake them up line" a lot snd I agree! But to also look at the full lines as well

Wylan gestured to the guards. "Is it safe to leave them, you know-"

"Alive? I'm not big on killing unconscious men."

"We could wake them up."

"Pretty ruthless, merchling. Have you ever killed anyone?"

"I'd never even seen a dead body before I came to the Barrel." Wylan admitted.

"It's not something to be embarrassed about," Jesper said, surprising himself a little. But he meant it. Wylan needed to learn to take care of himself, but it would be nice if he could do it without getting on friendly terms with death."Make sure the gags are tight."

This isnt him being ruthless. Its him being logical. He is taking what Jesper says to heart. Wake them instead of killing them unconscious becuase Jesper doesn't want to kill unconscious men. Which they do end up tying the soldier to a pole, not killing them!! Him having morals shouldn't contribute to claims of him being innocent.

Wylan is worried about hurting people but will do so if nessecasry to save his friends. We can see this in the show and books. In the show he does not want to make bombs for Kaz, but does so in the end because he acknowledges he has to survive. He is worried about Alby, but goes along with the plan still.

All these are what makes Wylan, wylan. It is his fundamentals, his morals and idels. They are not however claims to see how sweet and innocent he is and how he was corrupted.

Ontop of this, while it is never y it is hevaily implied that Wylan is also autistic. (Also, correct me if im wrong please, but im pretty sure Jack did talk about this.) Autistic people get infantilizated already, and I've had my own fair share of this as well. ( I am autistic and have a learning disabilitiy, as well a speech impedament that I still struggle with.) I have to work harder to make sure people treat me as a twenty year old. Because that is my age, and there is a significant difference in attitude in how people treat me when they know im autistic, and when they don't.

And for Wylan, I feel like its the same issue. While it may not be intentional, ive been people coo over the fact Wylan has done simple tasks or teen experiences. Him having Jesper read to him, getting flustered when talking to him, Wylan not understanding social cues as well as others and taking things to face value.

You can be excited for him and think it's sweet, but to also acknowledge that there is a line between "Thats adorable" and "He's adorable." Wylan is someone who is neurodivergent. He was extrmetly sheltred as a child and was never given the proper tools to help his dyslexia, due to this he has struggles that shouldn't be overlooked or seen as "cute" when he experiences outcomes due to the situation he was in. Whenever he doesn't understand social cues, i.e., "Whos mark." People giggling and saying it's silly or cute when he doesn't understand the cues. That's infantilizating! You are viewing things he struggles with in the lens of watching a child understanding the world. Which Wylan isn't. He is a teenager, no matter the circumstances. His age should be understood.

This infantilization also effects wesper in how people view the two of them. Many people view black people as "older, the man in the relationship, rugged" while the white person is seen as the "women, younger, more innocent."

Infact, I think the show only worsned it for Wylan. As now there are faces to names.

Jack does have a youthful face, but still looks his age. I have a babyface and even now at 20 I look much older then I did at 16. The same goes for Jack. He cant control how he looks but because of his youthful features people only push for this racially hetaronormative mindset more between Wylan and Jesper (Even if its untitional).

Even Kit looks his age as well and has a baby face. He's 29 right now but was in his mid twenties during filming. Season 1 was filmed back in 2019 but due to covid post production got set back, and season 2 was filmed in the beginning of 2022. But why is it only Wylan who is infantilizated? Jesper struggles just as much with his ADHD and trauma as Wylan does.

Jack and Kit are only one year apart, the same in the books but still ive been Wylan be portrayed as the "poor innocent child who was abused." and Jesper as the "he needs to get over his addiction hes a grown man/ he's too mean to Wylan."

In society now so many black teens are seen as adults and treated as such, while white teens are seen as younger and not pushed so hard. The same can be seen for wesper.

Ive even seen people on Tiktok and other socials claim that Jesper was rude to Wylan and abusive. (WHERE???). Both Wylan and Jesper have said things that hurt the other, and they both apologized for it, and get grilled as well. In the show and books they learn and grow. The infantilization of Wylan doesnt hurt just him but plays into racial stereotypes and also microagressions. Why is it that when the white character is calling someone out its "deserved" but when the black character (who might I add had no idea) makes a side comment he is labled as cruel and abusive?

In so many shows and books the black character is usually portrayed as the joker character. Six Of Crows does this as well, which is something important to not ingore. Jesper is seen as the flirty joke character. However the only difference is soc also show more sides to his character by letting him be vulnerable. Letting Jesper show his struggles to the audience as well, how his neurodivergece effects him, letting him dress in skirts and bold colors that step away from the gender norm. So many times in media the black character is just there for shits and giggles, or is used as the villan/antagonist.

It believe its really important to understand this, and to acknowledge if your infantilizating him, or even using microagressions on Jesper unintentionally, then to learn to understand why and to grow from them.

[cressthebest]

so many people liked my last jegulily headcanons post, so i’m gonna continue doing the lord’s work 😌

• there's a big bookshelf in the living room with a mixture of regulus' books and lily's books. you can easily tell the difference between them. reg has hardback copies that are annotated with thin black fountain pen. lily has cheap paperback copies often bought secondhand, and she only allows the typical wear and tear. she refuses to write in her books, and instead will sticky note the pages.

• lily is demiromantic and it took a hot minute to realize she liked not only james but also regulus. (she lost her absolute shit. i'm picturing this video)

• james is an early riser and will get up to go workout before returning home to his sweethearts that are finally stirring, so after showering he'll often fix them breakfast in bed.

• on that note, autistic regulus refuses to eat anywhere but the table. his reasons list as: 1. good posture and digestion from sitting at the table 2. crumbs in bed are BAD 3. bed is for sleep, table is for eating. 4. idk it's just wrong to eat in bed. like, it's against the rules

• so reg has a little nightstand/side table in the room with a chair for him to eat at so he can eat at the table and lily can stay in bed (and james can join her)

• they are 100% the couple (throuple??) to have matching pajamas. by matching, i mean all the same fabric and pattern, not cut

• they send out obnoxious christmas cards together. james always sets the camera to take the perfect photos and chooses the poses. lily always chooses their outfits, the setting, and designs the cards. regulus is in charge of making sure it's sent out to every last person that they love (and hate)

• lily's parents were confused about her relationship and don't really understand it, but they hesitantly accept it and love her anyways even though they don't get it. and they absolutely adore james and regulus, happy to have some boys in the house

• james' parents took a minute to be cool with the relationship because they were worried that regulus and lily weren't quite happy with the polyamory before realizing that reg and lily were equally in love with each other and james

• both james and regulus gave sirius a key to the house, not realizing the other did that. lily, thinking that james and regulus wouldn't have thought to give sirius a key for emergencies gives him one as well. sirius now has three keys and doesn't tell this to jegulily

[veren-cos]

hihi, this may be a bit too specific, but if you’re willing to take it on, i’d love to see headcanons for the stardew bachelors’ reactions to an autistic/neurodivergent reader getting overstimulated or upset from too much sensory input (like loud noises, too many conversations, sudden physical contact, etc) and how they would comfort the reader? i rarely see any posts of this nature and would absolutely love to see one from you if you’re willing!! if not, no worries and tysm - keep up the good work!

Sdv Bachelor's x overstimulated reader

"Mmm nope this is too much!" You were balling up your hands, nails digging into your skin. It was too loud. Your shirt started to be uncomfortabley tight. Your jeans felt too scratchy, it was too bright, too much! Everything was too much.

Then you feel someone next to you.

Sam

"Hey.." he didn't know what was wrong, but concerts can be a lot. Especially if you don't know what you're walking in to, as this was your first one. "Can I touch you?" You nodded. "All right." Feeling a hand on your shoulder first, you knew he was moving slow.

He slowly moved his hand towards your back, starting to lead you out of the crowd. "Okay," the loud buzzing is drowning out as you go to a different room, "is this better?"

"Mmmhmm" You nod into him, pulling him into a hug. He held you tight, the pressure feeling nice, despite your shirt feeling suffocating.

"What can I do to help?" He rubbed your back, trying to calm you down and distract you.

"Let's just stay like this."

• Basically, he isn't entirely sure what's going on? He knew about your neurodivergencies, but had never quite seen how they effected you.

• Just a sweetheart who wants to help

• The two of you stayed like that for quite a while.

• If you were feeling up for it, yall would go back to the concert, but chill on the back of the room.

• He always brings earplugs, so he would give you an extra pair he has. In the future, he'd get you a pair of headphones.

• If you were not up for it, he would drive you home, no question.

Sebastian

He slide his hand into yours, giving it a comforting squeeze. He gets it, they were loud, it was a lot. The saloon was full of people, all yapping away, getting rowdy and enjoying themselves. And at times, you'd join in, have a blast! But today it was just too much.

"You wanna get you of here?" He whispered by your ear. "My social battery is dead, so why don't we head back to my place?"

You nodded your head, holding his hand tighter as the two of you walked out. The cool fall air felt nice. Sebastian never let you walk without a coat, but you had forgotten to bring one, so he lent you his hoodie. It was soft, and got rid of the icky feeling of your shirt. You were warm, and being in the quiet forest filled walk made you feel so much calmer.

Your walks were always a comfortable silence, Sebastian never once pressured you to talk. But just know he was there for you made things more than enough.

• I personally headcannon Seb as autistic, or some other form of neurodivergent.

• Regardless, he gets it. And he never wants to single you out, so if you ever need out of a loud or over stimulating place, he just says he isn't feeling social and books you guys out of there.

• He understands the overwhelming feelings.

• He likes to give you his goodies if you're getting overstimulated. They drown out some of the other senses, as they are really heavy and warm (not in a bad way though!)

Alex

"Babe, what's too much?" He leaned in closer on the bleachers. The game was going great, your guys' team was winning! So what was wrong?

"I'm so sorry Alex, I can't be here right now. It's too loud. It's way too loud." You stood up to go, but he grabbed your hand.

"Hey, wait. Do you need headphones? I know it gets loud, but it's part of the fun!" He didn't get it. Well you didn't say, so how could he know?

"Maybe another time, but right now, I need to get out of here." You near ran away, finding a quiet spot near the concessions. And you heard him behind you.

"Babe, hun, what's wrong? I can't know if you don't tell me, I just want to help."

"It's too loud! Everything here is too loud" You started gripping at your forearms, nails scratching into your bicep. "People here are so rowdy, and it's so loud. The seats are so uncomfortable, and it's. So. Loud. My shirt is too tight, my jeans are scratchy. And it's SO LOUD" You were freaking out. The noise was too much. It was all too much. You tried to ground yourself, but it was impossible because even from here you could hear the yelling fans.

"Hey.. hey. Look at me." He pulled your hands away from yourself. Your nails were digging in way too much for it to be good for you. "You're okay. Shoot what did I read. Uhm. Can you tell me the color of 5 things you see?" Alex didn't entirely know what the point of it was, but he could see you were not having a good time.

"Uhm... the bleachers are gray. The uh.." You took a deep breath. "The chip bags are yellow. Your eyes are brown." You had to stop for a second to just breath.

"Hey, babe you're doing great, just 2 more." He could see it was working! A miracle what glimpsing at a book about anxiety will do for you!

"Mmm. Your jacket is green. And the clouds are white." Your breathing was back to normal, and you could finally think again.

"Better?"

"Better. But uhm. Is it okay if I get out of here? I can stay in the car!"

"Hun, no. No we are leaving I'm not making you sit in the far by yourself." He held onto your hand, and started walking out the gates. "No game is as important as you are."

• He doesn't quite get overstimulation. But he does understand panic attacks.

• They aren't the same, but he can recognize when your brain is running a million miles a minute, yet on the brink of shutting down.

• He definitely tries to read up on what neurodivergency you have. He won't get all of it, just because he doesn't have it himself, but he wants to be the best boyfriend he can be to help you.

Shane

"Whats too much?" Shane looked to you, trying to make out the expression on your face.

"It's too loud.." You went from balling your fists to covering you ears, trying to drown out the noise. You shut your eyes tight, trying to focus on your breathing instead of all of the overwhelming sensations.

You felt him pull you into a tight embrace, resting his head on top of yours. Slowly pulling your hands away from your ears, Shane quietly asked what you needed. "I need out."

"Okay. Let's go then." No one questioned the two of you as you left the saloon. Shane was quite standoffish, so no one bothered him whenever he was at the bar. Once you got outside, you sat on a bench nearby. "Do you want to talk about it?"

You considered, but wanted to save this for a different time. "Not right now. I think I just want to be home. Will you uhm. Come with? I don't want to be alone. I just need someone to be with me." You felt safe with him. You didn't feel judged.

"Yeah.. yeah of course."

• While he doesn't explicitly know yet, all he knows is that you need out.

• No judgement. He just wants to be a sense of comfort.

• He gets when social interaction is overwhelming, but has trouble when it comes to textures or noises.

• But he puts in the effort to learn.

Elliot

"Love, what's wrong?" You felt him lean over your shoulder, rubbing your back. Elliot had been so sweet as to take you out for dinner, but it was all off today. Foods you were normally fine with were all wrong, the textures feeling rancid in your mouth. The ambient lighting was messing with your eyes, and it just was not going well. All you could hear was the clinking of people's glasses, and forks scraping against plates.

"Elliot.. Elliot I'm so sorry but everything is just." Your nails dug dents into your skin. "Just wrong."

He let out a breath. "Honey, you can talk to me. Here," he took a puasing, holding your hand and pulling you from your seat. "Why don't we take a step outside, hm? Take your mind off things for a moment."

The further away from the main room you were, the less overwhelming it all was. Once you were on the patio, it felt like you could finally breath. "There, that's better." He smiled softly. God Elliot was just so sweet, he understood without you needing to say. He notices the littlest things about you, appreciating you down to your smallest detail.

"Thank you, Elliot. I'm. I'm so sorry I feel like I'm just ruining our date." He was so sweet as to plan your entire evening, a book reading at noon, then shopping around the city, and finally, a candle lit dinner before going back home.

"My love," he looked into your eyes, "you are not ruining a single thing." You smiled as he kissed your forehead. "You just need some time, there is nothing wrong with that. Today has been a lot, and I apologize if it had been too much."

"Oh dear no! Nono, I just. Ugh. I sometimes just feel EVERYTHING all at once. And I can't sort out the good feelings from the bad ones. It gets all jumbled. And I can't focus. So, thank you. Thank you for giving me a breather."

"Of course, my love. And we can stay out here as long as you need. I'm not going anywhere." He wrapped you in his arms, pulling you close. You could smell his cologne, and the beach still leaving its mark. You stayed there for a long time, before continuing to enjoy your evening.

• Elliot is very attentive. So even if you haven't told him, or don't know what's going on, he is prepared to handle it, to work through it with you.

• He loves you so much, and knows that things can get overwhelming for people.

• It may not be the same, but he often gets overwhelmed with his writing, not remember what he has already written on the page, often spiraling and repeating his verbiage.

• So he can really empathize, and he will be there for you every step of the way :)

Harvey

"Farmer, are you alright?" He looked at you worried. Slowly unfurling your hands, he spoke, "you shouldn't dig into your palms like this, you could cut yourself."

Mmmm he was too close, and his voice was too loud. And as much as you appreciated the sentiment, you did NOT want him touching you right now. "Please don't."

"Don't what?" He was looking more concerned by the moment.

"Don't touch me." You gently pulled his hands off, though it was not a difficult task.

He flushed, "ah! I apologize, I should have asked first. But, love, what's wrong?"

"I, I don't know. Just ah. I'm not feeling great." Your breathing picked up, and became uneven. You didn't know what had happened. You hadn't been feeling well all day, but things just took a sudden turn for the worse.

"Okay, well." He let out a frustrated 'hmph'. "Walk me through your day, let's see."

"I uh. I woke up, fed the animals, made sure the sprinklers covered everything. I went up to Robin's to build a new silo. I then went to Willy's to get some more bait. Which got me thinking I should really make my own bait machine. But then I realized I didn't have all the materials. And while I was looking at my blueprints I found some other machines that'd be helpful, so I took a trip to the mines. And then I came here, to ah. To" you were starting to hyperventilate, spitting out your words as fast as you could. "To say hi to you, because I haven't seen you in a while. And I miss you, but I felt bad I couldn't stay for long. But now I'm here, and I'm taking up too much of your time with nonsense and I-"

"Woah, sweetheart. You're okay. You're okay. Here, okay. Breath in..." he motioned for you to breath. "Alright, great job. Now breath out.." he let out a big breath. "You are doing great. Breath in. Hold it. Breath out."

You were slowly starting to calm down. But everything still felt. Wrong. Why did it feel wrong?

"Now. It sounds like you did a lot today, huh? But it sounds like you didn't take a lot of breaks. Did you eat anything? Sleep good last night?"

You blank stared at him. "I did. Neither of those things." It was so obvious, but you got so into a spiral of busy you forget you have basic human needs. "Oh my yoba."

He let out a nervous laugh, "alright, well let's get some food in you, okay? I've got toast, or leftover noodles? Or that can of soup you left here last time?"

"That sounds great, Harvey. Thank you.."

• He knows all about it.

• Has some great grounding techniques, and is always pretty good at narrowing down the source of your troubles.

• Fixing them however is a team effort.

• He is always there to support you!

• He tries to keep things he know trigger it away, getting some more low lights, rather than the gosh darn overhead fluorescents.

• He always always makes sure to have one of your safe foods in his fridge. :]

Hey!! I love writing for this stuff! I'm autistic (amoung other neurodivergencies lol), and you're right, there is not a lot of content of this nature! My whole jam is writing for things that bring people comfort, however niche or serious it is! They deserve to be written about :) hope you enjoyed, and if there is anything inaccurate let me know! I'm writing mostly off my experience and knowledge, but if I'm flat out wrong I'd rather know and change it haha

And I tried to show different reactions for the reader with each bachelor. With Sam and Seb, the reader likes pressure, and touch for comfort. But in Harvey's scenario, it's a no-go. Sometimes the overstimulation is caused by sound, like in Alex and Sam's, but other times it's caused by lighting or just a really long day, like in Elliots. Overstimulation can be caused by a lot of different things.

Also I just realized I like. Never write for when you are married to the bachelors??? You guys are almost always just dating. It's most often an established and longterm relationship, but never married. Neat.

Masterlist

Feel free to leave more requests too! I like to have options lol

[tadpoles-and-daydreams]

A ramble on imposter syndrome and the accessibility of witchcraft

So, I’ve been thinking. I think a lot in case you haven’t noticed. Specifically, I’ve been thinking about the major imposter syndrome I’ve been feeling lately in regards to this blog. TL;DR is at the bottom of this post.

People have been, occasionally, sending me asks requesting my opinion on things/how I do things/what I know about XYZ topic. If you are one of these people, I promise I’m not vagueposting about you in particular- in fact, I love these questions! They’re so fun to get and they actually make me sit and think sometimes, or even encourage me to write out something that I’ve been meaning to for my book of shadows. Genuinely, they're wonderful asks to receive. These questions have made me confront something, however; my blog is still small, but some people actually like what I write and value my opinion even if just a little. 

I feel like a mimic hiding in the witchcraft community. I feel like, were people to truly understand my experiences, they would want to “expose” me for knowing so little.

So I sat down with those feelings and turned it over in my head and I’ve come to a conclusion. The fact is, I don’t do research. At least- not what I think of when people talk about research. My "research" consists of the occasional rabbit hole I go down, one and two halves of different books I never finished under my belt, what I see scrolling through various social medias, and conversations I've had with other witches. I check to make sure I'm not stepping on the toes of any closed practices- in fact, that's what most of my energy goes to when it comes to research. This isn't a complaint; I'd much rather know that my craft isn't appropriative.

But I don’t know much about mythology, even that of the deities I work with. I don't even remember the holidays and what they're for. I thought Nyx was an Egyptian deity until like four months ago because I'd just heard her name in passing as a child and had never looked into the mythology... Even though I mainly work with the pantheon she belongs to. Y’all, I’ve done like three spells that I remember. My book of shadows is a messy disaster and I love it but it's got so little information in it, because I rarely write things down. Most resources (especially mythology resources) are academically worded or difficult to read for me personally, and all of these things feel like secrets I have to guard with my life because if I were to ever say them aloud, people would know I'm a fraud.

Today I've come to the conclusion that that is, in fact, absolute bullshit.

Maybe it's not, maybe this post will make some people really upset, but in my practice it's bullshit. All of the above is a result of my ADHD and the fact that I am nothing if not a hands-on learner. My craft is mostly my own experiences because that's how my whole life is; I learn by doing. My ideal learning style is sitting with another autistic person whose special interest is whatever I'm learning about and just talking for five hours, but if that's not something I can do, puzzling it out myself is the next best thing. That's what I've been doing ever since I felt had a basic foundation for my craft. Hell, even before I had a foundation I was putting my own experiences into my craft because "Well that rule just doesn't fucking vibe with me."

This post is mostly for me, but partially for anyone who feels similar. We are not broken or doing witchcraft/paganism wrong. We are simply what happens when the kid who could never do homework ends up practicing the "religion/spirituality that comes with homework." Witchcraft and paganism, in my experience, is far from accessible when it comes to the typical image of it. UPG is what makes it accessible. So yes, my practice is heavily UPG, and I don't do as much research as I think people have assumed. But I'm going to let go of the idea that I'm a fraud, because frankly I know enough about witchcraft to have supported my practice this whole time and my deities haven't smited me yet so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

TL:DR:

Fuck the rules, I don't do much research. I've researched the "basics" and what I need to so I'm not stepping on any toes of closed practices, but people seem to think I know way more than I actually do. I've felt like I was lying this whole time but frankly witchcraft just isn't accessible to someone with my flavor of auDHD, so my craft relies heavily on UPG and I've decided that I'm not broken or wrong for that and neither is anyone else. I'm tired of seeing myself as an imposter just because I make my practice doable for me.

[bitterkarella]

Midnight Pals: Sssspace Ssstory 2

JK Rowling: i don't need you lot! Rowling: i don't need any of you! Rowling: i'm gonna go over to sspace coven to tell my new sstory! Barker: yeah have fun with that Rowling: I will!! Barker: they're all a bunch of nerds over there! Poe: now clive that's not very fair Barker: she's gonna find it out soon enough

[meanwhile, at space coven] JK Rowling: hello children Jules Verne: welcome, JK Rowling! I've been informed that you're the first woman ever to write science fiction Verne: so we're proud to make you a member of our very select group Verne: welcome to super friends!!!

Verne: i am called Ham because I enjoy ham radio Verne: [pointing to HG Wells] this is email Verne: [pointing to Isaac Asimov] cosine Verne: [pointing to Robert Heinlein] report card Verne: [pointing to Frank Herbert] mescaline Verne: [pointing to Mary Shelley] and Mary

HG Wells: [arriving in a steam-powered dirigible] excelsior, fellow space-ka-teers! HG Wells: it is I, HG Wells, chrononaut extradinaire! Wells: i am simply a-quiver to hear some new story and- Wells: oh crap, the gears fell off my top hat Jules Verne: don't worry, my good man, you can borrow some of mine!

Rowling: ok sso here'ss my futurisstic sstory Verne: whoa you can't start a story like that! Rowling: oh? oh right, ssorry Rowling: i meant 'ssubmitted for the approval of sspace coven, i call-' Verne: no i mean you're not wearing any goggles Wells: every super friend must wear at least 3 pairs of goggles at all times Verne: it's the law!

Verne: won't you enjoy some of our "mind control cookies" ho ho ho Rowling: what Verne: oh i'm sorry are you not familiar with the music of dr steel??? Verne: he's ONLY our favorite musician Rowling: Verne: OMG you've GOT to listen to People of Earth Verne: it's SO funny Verne: we're all members of the army of toy soldiers Rowling:

Verne: [playing Dr Steel album] haha ok so this is my favorite part coming up HG Wells: are you playing dr steel? turn that hack off! Rowling: oh thank god Wells: you should be playing Aurelio Voltaire!

Verne: Dr steel! Wells: Voltaire! Verne: Dr steel! Wells: Voltaire! Rowling: I've been insspired Rowling: my next book is going to be a manifessto against the FuMP

Rowling: today i have an exciting new story for you! Rowling: those plebss over at midnight society couldn't appreciate this Rowling: FUTURISTIC story! Rowling: i think you sci fi people will really get this Wells: huzzah! Verne: huzzah!

Rowling: okay so Rowling: just imagine Rowling: a future world where a totalitarian government made up of blue-haired spoonies and their antifa goon squad Rowling: have made it illegal to be cis Rowling: one lone heroic terf is fighting for her right to be a gold star lesbian

Rowling: sssee, in the future, an evil coalition of trans autistic fat people Rowling: force innocent lesbians to put pronouns in their bios Rowling: or get sent to the woke gulag! Rowling: where they're forced to apologize for their privilege! HG Wells: i didn't understand any of that

Wells: i don't understand any of that Verne: me neither Robert Heinlein: me neither Heinlein: except that one bit about a lesbian being involved Heinlein: i did understand that word Heinlein: and frankly i think i would like to hear more about lesbians

[drdemonprince]

Hi Devon!

I'm a big fan of your work, and i've found your books to be really helpful in understanding myself.

I'm a 19 yr old autistic woman and I have a fetish for head shaving. This is something I've known about myself from a very young age. My whole life I've felt very connected to queerness, despite only ever being romantically interested in men - something which has confused me. I am mainly turned on by women shaving their heads, but I am not at all romantically interested in women. I also look very young, and live at home with my parents, so am hesitant to explore anything irl despite really wanting to. I have never been in a relationship, and I've never told anyone about my fetish.

I am finding it hard to envisage a future for myself where I can be satisfied. I would love to be in a monogamous relationship with a man, but I also can't imagine never getting to fulfil these lifelong fantasies. I also am finding it hard to have a sense of identity, because i don't feel connected to straight women or queer women- so I don't really know where i fit in.

Do you have any advice?

Honestly? Put up a personal ad on Lex offering to shave a girl's head and sharing you have a fetish for it. Lots of queer women want their head shaved and want a little tenderness from another woman. Get licensed to do hair and work at a queer salon or just offer up your services at a BDSM dungeon. Shaving is a big part of sub initiation for some anyway. And again, lots of queer women want their head shaved. Be open with partners, in time you can definitely have a funky straight husband who loves that you shave girls and move thru kinky spaces. That is like, so fucking achievable.

[copperbadge]

RE watching thoughts: I’m not 100% sure, but it might be that the whole “I am not my thoughts” is about engaging and identifying with your metacognition MORE than your initial thoughts. Because I get where you’re coming from - what is a consciousness but a collection of thoughts and feelings? But you can also have thoughts about your own thoughts that are more useful for dealing with whatever situation you’re in, I guess. (Random aside - every time I start thinking about thinking about thinking my brain inevitably starts thinking about Tiffany Aching and The Wee Free Men.)

I really should have replied to this ask sooner because it's going to seem like a non-sequitur now (this was sent much earlier in March) but I'm kind of glad I didn't, because I've been chatting with people about this and I think I understand more why there's an emphasis in some therapies on the idea that we are not our thoughts.

(I uh, haven't read the Tiffany books so I'm not much help there.)

I am coming to understand that many, perhaps most, people judge themselves, comprehensively and harshly, based on their thoughts. Perhaps it's just a lot of people who struggle with mental health, but given the commonality of the sentiment I don't know if I'd confine it that tightly; generally it appears that people cannot conceive of themselves as anything other than a binary of good or bad. So many people I've talked to about this portion of DBT, the watching-questioning-identifying thoughts portion, say that it helps to snap them out of a spiral of "I'm a horrible person, I deserve to suffer/die, I can never be redeemed" after they've failed at something, or had a negative thought, or reacted poorly to an unexpected event.

That is not something I've ever experienced. I mean, jokingly maybe, but not in a real, internal sense.

And that's not to brag -- I'm not saying I think I'm a good person, either, because I don't think I'm a good person. I don't conceive of myself in terms of good or bad. I never cuddle my cats and think "I'm such a good cat dad" or forget to feed them and think "I should die now." I have a perpetual morally neutral attitude towards my own existence; my thoughts and actions might trend me one direction or another but I'm aware of the temporary nature of that. If I fuck up I'll worry about who I might have hurt or whether I'll be fired or what's going to happen as a consequence, if I am polite to someone who didn't deserve it I know I was acting kindly in the moment, but I don't make an inherent moral judgement of myself based on that. And it seems like the vast majority of people do. Which you would think would make me feel pretty good about myself, but honestly...I don't know.

A lot of people I know who have ADHD or are Autistic have talked about seeing themselves as other, as alien -- like that one webcomic artist who draws themself with little antennae to indicate they're strange and different. I've always understood why one might do that, but I never felt that way myself, before or after the diagnosis. After all, let's remember, I was The Normal* Child of my siblings, and if I was The Normal One before the diagnosis, why wouldn't I remain Mostly Normal after?

* As ever, I'm using "normal" as a cultural term, to indicate what we think of as mainstream, not because normal is a thing that really exists.

My life has been relatively solitary -- I have friends and family and I love them but I'm rarely part of a large group, I don't spend a lot of time out in public interacting with people, I'm not a big socializer. Before the Adderall, I really couldn't be, I took too much psychic damage from interpersonal interaction, so I chose those very carefully. And now my DBT class has been a rare moment when I'm encountering contradictions to a lot of my assumptions about the way human beings in our society interact, react, and behave. I just...don't fit that mold very well. I think of it as having crossed wiring, not in the sense that I'm faulty but just in the sense that I'm very, very different. Not Normal. It's not exactly a bad feeling but it's certainly not a great one, internalizing the sensation of alienness.

DBT is proving to be a mixed bag but not in the way I or my therapist intended -- it seems to be either things I was already instinctively doing or things that simply do not apply to me. In one way it's disappointing because it means there isn't much help to be had (we're a little over halfway through the course and I keep thinking "Maybe next class will be useful") but on the other hand it's validating that so much of what I came up with myself as unconscious coping mechanisms is literally what I would have been told to do anyway.

Sometimes it's a combination of both, though, which really blows. I guess most people, if they reframe another person's actions, actually find emotional relief in that, and I don't. An example from the class is that if someone is rude to you, you can consider how they might be having a hard day, and be polite in return; that's great, in terms of defusing a situation, and it's something I do a fair amount of. But apparently it's also something that for most people results in feeling less awful about the interaction, and that's not the case for me. Which is why so much of DBT feels to me like lying to oneself. It's not lying for most people.

So, yeah. I'm going to finish out the course and keep trying things with the therapist but I suspect given everything, I might already be at "as good as it gets" in terms of emotional work. Which isn't the worst thing in the world, and there is still the option to try medication that could help, but I think there will come a point where I'm going to have to deal with the fallout of just how different I am, and how that has impacted my life. Might end up a good thing; something I've really been trying to resolve is unhappiness over being unpartnered and highly likely to remain that way, and at least if this provides a better understanding of why, then perhaps I can process that and put it to rest in a way I've been trying to do but not succeeding well at.

So, we'll see. But I find it both fascinating and kind of horrifying how many people can believe they are irredeemably bad, even if the belief is only temporary, simply because they had an uncharitable thought or impulse. It makes me somewhat grateful for the crossed wires, at least.