#I'm shaming myself again
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What is my problem? probably because I still have to practice for a long time to get at least something worthwhile. you can say that I'm posting this art for the second time, I just edited it a little. I love Sigma, my beloved boy. I hope they'll remember me here. love.
#elka tradishkin#meow#traditional drawing#my art#art#bsd#bsd art#bsd sigma#sigma bungou stray dogs#sigma bsd#bungo stray dogs sigma#sigma fanart#sigma#siglai#ler!nikolai#bsd gogol#bsd nikolai#sigma x nikolai#lee!sigma#sigma bungo stray dogs#tk community#tickle bsd#bsd tickle#tickle art#tk art#It's probably not that bad.#uhhhhh#I'm shaming myself again#Shame on me.
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Help a college student graduate by answering a survey!!
Hey!! Are you over 18 and in the miraculous fandom? Then this is for you!!
Hi everyone, this is my last semester of uni, and one of my final projects to be able to graduate is to write a scientific paper. I'm writing an article about adult fans of children's animation, specifically Miraculous Ladybug. My goal is to understand what makes adults (like us) want to join fandoms centered around shows aimed primarily at children, and to do that I'd love to hear directly from the source! The survey takes around 10 minutes to answer, it's 100% anonymous and it would help me immensely!
>>Click here for the survey<<
I need at least 30 people to answer, but honestly the more the merrier! I've also made a little thank you gif at the end, so if you see it let me know! If you have any questions feel free to send me an ask, as well!
Please reblog so it can reach more people! Thank you so much!
#what do we love (or hate!! I know people are here bc they dont like the show as much too) abt miraculous that#makes us want to spend so much time thinking and creating things for and about it?#miraculous ladybug#i am once again asking for your support#insert bernie sanders meme here#alskdjasd#no but really if you answer this it would help me so so much#and i'll be so thankful#i will reblog this post a bit frequently so please be patient with me 😭😭#also the point of this is not to shame anyone for watching kid's shows in any shape or form#i just love animation and kids cartoons too#my first intentions with this research were to ask why do we mostly view animation as a kid's genre instead of a technique to tell stories#in the west at least#but it was too broad of a question and I dont have enough time to dedicate myself to it#so i narrowed it down to something i'm familiar with#which is why i went for#so uh anyway#pls reblog#and answer my survey#thank you so much
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'I flirted with the idea that instead of being trans that I was just a cross-dresser (a quirk, I thought, that could be quietly folded into an otherwise average life) and that my dysphoria was sexual in nature, and sexual only. And if my feelings were only sexual, then, I wondered, perhaps I wasn’t actually trans.
I had read about a book called The Man Who Would Be Queen, by a Northwestern University professor who believed that transwomen who were attracted to women were really confused fetishists, they wanted to be women to satisfy an autogynephilia. And though I first read about this book in the context of its debunkment and disparagement, I thought about the electricity of slipping on those tights, zipping up those boots, and a stream of guilt followed. Maybe this professor was right, and maybe I was only a fetishist. Not trans, just a misguided boy.
About a year later, on the Internet, I come across a transwoman who added a unique message to the crowd refuting this professor. Oh, I wish I remember who this woman was, and I wish even more that I could do better than paraphrase her, but I remember her saying something like this: “Well, of course I feel sexy putting on women’s clothing and having a woman’s body. If you feel comfortable in your body for the first time, won’t that probably mean it’ll be the first time you feel comfortable, too, with delighting in your body as a sexual thing?”'
-Casey Plett, Consciousness
#this quote always moves me almost to tears when i remember it#i'm not a trans woman and i don't share the author's specific experiences with transition#but it really moves me that she frame transition as joyfully giving yourself permission to approach your body#not as something that has to be disciplined and deprived and made small in all these various ways#but as a means for experiencing pleasure and joy and delight and for insisting that our feelings and desires are worth#valuing and exploring and treasuring#i always used to think of prioritizing those things for myself as selfish and irresponsible#but who does it harm to want to experience pleasure in your own body?#it's such a beautifully simple and powerful switch to have flip in your head#and equally why are we forced to deny our own pleasure in transition and anything else related to our bodies in the name of moral rectitude#this is why i get so confused and pissed off when other trans people are fatphobic for example#like why are you so invested in politics of shame and disgust that never had any purpose other than#violently disciplining people as if they've violated moral codes by existing in a body#to say nothing of white people being racist in gay and trans communities#like again this system of violence is foundational to homophobia and transphobia#so why are you acting like it has nothing to do with you#even if you are unmoved by the urgency of other people's suffering which btw you should be moved by#what do you hope to gain by acting a collaborator and handmaiden to those systems#Casey Plett#she really is one of my favorite authors i wish more non-canadians read her#this quote is from a series of columns she did ont transition and every single one is a banger#i love when she talks about the people-pleasing elements of dysphoria and transition denial#she's so sharp about noting how many of us deny our own dysphoria on the grounds that others like and validate our bodies#that's how i always felt during my cis conventionally feminine era#it pleased other people so much and also that reception felt so hollow and joyless to me because i hated it#i get less of that positive feedback but that feels so unimportant next to the joy and pleasure i get to experience#said with the understanding that i'm very privileged in being able to prioritize those things without fear. but it was a switch flip#personal nonsense
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okay last thing and i know this is easier said than done and i think it's less of final end point and more of a continuous journey but once you let go of your shame and embarrassment over the things that make you happy, you'll have a lot more fun
#on this journey right now#and i think it's going okay#as a chronically insecure person with terrible self worth LMAO i am always defaulting to: oh but people see this and it's embarrassing#but i'm learning to ask myself why i think that and where the shame comes from#maybe someone does see me fall flat on my face but i'm a human being and human beings do that#it's okay#i've done it before and i'll do it again and life will continue#generally accepted that into my every day life and working to incorporate that into writing#i have so much to say about this topic but i think at the end of the day#i will remember the fun i have sharing the things i love#more than i will remember how awkward i felt for a little while#it's okay to be embarrassed that's natural#but dont let it stop you from doing the little things that make you happy#think of your child self etc etc etc#okay goodnight love you byeeeeee#✿ shut up willow
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Blood of the Hero Ch 14 (Link's Parents Play BotW)
Summary: The Soul of the Hero will always be there to save Hyrule. But when Calamity Ganon is nearly victorious in killing him, it's those that bear the Blood of the Hero who will prevail. Ten years after the Great Calamity, the Shrine of Resurrection is damaged and Link's parents fight to save their son and Hyrule along with him.
(AO3 link)
Ch 14: Fallen Knight - Carnage
Abel hadn’t slept. The night crawled agonizingly along, leaving the former knight tossing and turning. Tilieth rested peacefully in the grass beside him, the tattered, half rotted wooden stall protected them from the mild drizzle. He stared between wood planks, eyes tracing the etches of jagged edges, noticing scorch marks from when the place burned.
When it was destroyed. In the Calamity.
It was stupid, really, how much it was sinking in lately. It wasn’t like Abel hadn’t been a firsthand witness to it. But lately… everything seemed to be wrong, and it drilled into his head. Perhaps it was the thought of separating from Tilieth, the idea that once they reached the Gerudo Desert he would continue on without his family in search of solutions. The anxiety and dread of it made him sick to his stomach.
You had promised, all those years ago, to protect your family. You swore in your knighting that you would protect Hyrule.
Yet here he was, lying in dirt, shivering in the chilly night, protected by the bones of what used to be one of the most vibrant stables in the country. Here he was, with his wife starving and shivering beside him, broken and terrified and alone. Here he was, his daughter dead, his son near to it, the latter’s state being entirely his fault.
He’d separated from the boy. He’d told him to take the princess to Fort Hateno. He’d promised to be there.
He’d been unable to protect the king. Link was the only one who managed to keep the princess safe when Abel was unable to do so.
His daughter was dead.
Abel’s entire life was flashing before his eyes. His mother died of grief over the loss of his father (why wasn’t I good enough? Why weren’t my sisters and I good enough for her to stay?). His younger sister never listened to him, had said he wasn’t their father, had accused him of pretending to know more than he did (she was right). His twin sister had settled in Castle Town, had been there when it had burned (I never even looked for a body, did I? Goddess, I didn’t even look for a body—) He had been given the highest honor by becoming a knight in the royal guard, had served as the captain, a trusted protector of the king and yet he’d been unable to do his duty (the ceiling had collapsed, I tried to protect him, I tried!). He’d sworn to take care of his family, to be there as a father, and—
Abel sat up, filled with energy, chest aching, blood racing. He stood, walking to the river, wanting to run, to fight something, to scream.
He stared up at the sky, breaths rapid and shallow, and asked, Farore, why did you make me? Why did you make me??
What was he even here for, if not to repeatedly screw everything up?! Even when Link had been given a fighting chance, Abel’s stupidity had ruined it - if it hadn’t been for him disturbing that hinox, this wouldn’t even be an issue! Link would still be safe in the Shrine of Resurrection, and—
Why did you make me?! What was the purpose?! I do nothing but cause problems, I can’t get it right, I can never get it right!
It was sacrilegious to even contemplate what thought came next, but Abel already knew he was a worthless, faithless fool anyway.
You made a mistake when you made me.
The drizzle continued to fall, slowly soaking him to his core. It was a splash of reality as he shivered and fell to his knees, a cold consolation in an empty world.
Wallowing in self pity won’t help them, he reminded himself. Slowly, he dragged himself back to the stall, trying to push the intrusive thoughts out, trying to ignore the berating. He was so damn tired.
The next day brought a heavy rainfall, and though the couple would have preferred to wait it out, anxieties drove them both forward. They didn’t dare bathe in the river – it was far too close to Central Hyrule for either of their liking. Instead, they barely ate breakfast, woke Link to drink some broth, and hastily made their way back to Kakariko.
As they passed through the half-barren marsh, the tower for Lanayru teased them with its proximity. Tilieth glanced at Abel with a shrug. “It’s practically on the way. We might as well activate it; maybe it could give us some helpful information.”
Abel doubted that was the case, but he didn’t argue; he himself had suggested going to the tower as a distraction yesterday. The pair cantered across the marsh, signs of life catching Abel’s eye as they went along. The marsh was slowly coming back, the rain bringing life as puddles formed amidst the mud and debris. Pieces of guardians were slowly washed away, and much more had probably already been removed over the last decade. He tried to take comfort in that.
When the pair reached the beach, Abel saw that the tower was on the other side, which was mildly problematic. This was becoming more involved than he wished it to be, but they were too far invested in it to turn back now.
Tilieth offered to cross, but Abel didn’t trust that the other side would be safe. He’d already surveyed the beach they were on and didn’t see any threats, so he asked her to stay behind instead, taking the slate and utilizing its runes to get across with little effort on his part. Meanwhile, Tilieth bathed herself and Link.
Abel hadn’t expected to find a person on the other side of the beach.
They both stood there in the sand for a moment, frozen in time. Abel felt his body stiffen, electricity firing through his muscles. The Hylian looked equally on edge, skin and bones, dark circles under his eyes, clothes ill fitting and half rotted off him. He jerked his body, reaching for something in an instant.
Abel grabbed his bow and arrow and shot true.
The Hylian grunted as the arrow sank into his chest, his sword that had been half drawn collapsing into the sand beside him. Abel remained motionless for a moment, his mind catching up to what his body had just done. The Hylian let out a gurgling breath and then grew still.
Abel released a breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding, and slowly lowered his arms.
The world was silent, save for water lapping on the shore. Abel couldn’t hear it. He couldn’t hear anything.
Swallowing, the former knight hesitantly walked towards the fallen Hylian. When he saw lifeless eyes staring off at nothing, he finally put his bow away.
The world came crashing back down on him an instant.
You just killed a man.
Well, he was clearly going to attack first!
You’re a knight. Your job is to defend the people of Hyrule. And you just killed one.
This wasn’t the first time he’d killed someone. It was ridiculous to let it bother him. Besides, he wasn’t a knight anymore.
At least check him for supplies.
Abel recoiled at the thought. He wasn’t going to defile the dead like that. He refused.
Taking a shaky step away, he started to head towards the Sheikah tower as if nothing had happened.
A gasp sounded, and Abel whirled, reaching for his bow and arrows yet again. He readied himself, but caught sight of a woman, a young Zora female who was watching him in horror.
“P-please!” She hastily said as she raised her hands. “I’m not even a warrior, I don’t mean any harm! I—I just came down here to find some fish, I—I promise I’m n-not a threat!”
Abel took in the sight of the Zora, memories flooding his mind of his time he’d spent in the Domain with Link. He recalled their princess, and his chest ached at the loss. The girl had been sweet and a strong warrior. She had also been the best healer in the kingdom.
Nevertheless, he didn’t lower his bow.
“P-please,” the Zora begged, beginning to cry. “I—you c-can even have my catch of the m-morning. I b-bet you’re hungry, right? You look it. Just—just please don’t hurt me.”
Abel’s gaze flicked across the river. He could vaguely see Tilieth and Link from here. If the Zora turned around and caught sight of them…
Abel. Stop. She even said she wasn’t a fighter.
Abel took another shaky breath, the adrenaline still fresh from his previous kill, paranoia heightened by the threat, blood rushing through his ears, deafening him to the rest of the world, silencing the woman’s whimpers. What difference did that make? The world had ended. Everyone was a fighter now.
“I-I’m—I’m just g-gonna put the fish down now, okay?” The Zora said shakily, hiccuping through her words, hands still held in the air. She carefully moved to reach for a net she’d been carrying, easing it to the ground.
Abel took a threatening step closer, arrow still fixed on her head, but he didn’t release it. The Zora practically scampered into the water, hands held high again as she told him over and over she wasn’t a threat, that she wasn’t going to hurt him. When she was half submerged into the water, he narrowed his eyes, motioning upstream with his head. The woman caught his meaning and quickly fled.
As he lowered his bow, Abel grew dizzy. He stumbled forward, picking up the net of fish, and slung it over his shoulder. The balance and the way the world spun made him nearly collapse into the sand, his stomach churning. He blinked once, twice, thrice to clear his head, shaking it so he could actually hear the world again, but it was still just his heart pounding.
A chirp caught his attention next, nearly making him draw his sword, when he realized it was the slate.
A shrine was nearby?
Focusing, Abel shook his head one last time, following the slate’s guidance until he neared the entrance to the Zora trail that led to the Domain. It was blocked by fallen rocks, a piece of half decayed guardian machinery squashed underneath. The shrine was just off to the left, uphill a ways.
How could he possibly bring Link over here after what had just happened? He needed to get back, to check on Tilieth! He’d just wandered off, they were out of sight now!
But the tower was right there too. He could see everything from the tower, including threats.
The area was clearly too dangerous, though. But he’d ensured there were no monsters on the other side before leaving his family.
But the threats over here hadn’t been monsters. What if there were Zora near his family?
Abel took another shaky breath, rushing back to the beach. He could still see Tilieth, who waved cheerily at him, clearly having completely missed everything that had transpired. She looked to be dressed now, sitting on the shore with Link.
Abel heard the water lapping. He heard the flapping of bird wings, the trickle as the rain settled into a lazy sprinkling. The world came back, and he tried to take a full breath.
The tower. Just get to the tower.
Thankfully it wasn’t hard to actually reach the tower. He had to rush across the bridge and scale the cliffside, but there were very few monsters around. He picked off a few lizalfos, a moblin, and a handful of bokoblins before reaching the top.
From the top of the tower, once activated, Abel could see a good portion of the region. Zora’s Domain was just beyond his range of vision, hidden in sparkling mountains laden with luminous stones. He remembered the festivals, the nights where those cliffs would practically glow. He remembered the giggles of children as Link played with his friends.
Looking away, Abel pushed at his pant legs, which had ridden up a little since they’d shortened in length from fraying over the years, and tucked them back into his boots. He squinted at the river, catching sight of Tilieth and Link, who were still relaxing on the beach. He couldn’t see any other shrines aside from the one he’d found. He wasn’t sure if that should make him feel better or worse.
Sighing, Abel grabbed the paraglider, took a deep breath, and jumped. He wondered, for the instant before his feet left the tower, if he was beginning to overcome his fear of heights. As soon as the sensation of weightlessness hit, as soon as he was in the air, he felt the bottom drop out of his stomach as an unpleasant reminder that was not, in fact, the case. The adrenaline still lingering in his system, paired with the vertigo he felt at gliding through the air this high up, nearly made him let go of the paraglider entirely. Abel squeezed his eyes closed for a moment, and then shifted his weight, tilting the glider to aim for the beach across the water. Dully, he grumbled internally that he hadn’t always been this afraid of heights, and that it was a terrible time for it to manifest so badly.
Despite not wanting to look down, Abel managed to make it across the river, but his knees gave out the instant his feet touched the sand, and he face planted. He heard Tilieth call out to him and rush over, and he slowly pushed himself up, spitting out sand.
“Are you okay?” his wife asked, dropping down beside him.
Abel swallowed, not entirely capable of speaking, and nodded with a grunt. He sat on his legs for a moment, catching his breath, and then managed to say hoarsely, “There’s a shrine over there.”
“Oh! Really? Let me see.” Tilieth reached forward, taking the slate off Abel’s hip and glancing at it. The new information provided by the tower allowed her to survey the area, and she quickly found the shrine that was marked on it. “Oh, that’s not far at all! We can cross right here—”
“No,” Abel interrupted, remembering the body. He probably should have done something with it. Buried it? He should bury it, right? Show respect for the dead?
They didn’t have time for that.
“We’ll cross further upstream,” he finally muttered.
“Upstream…” Tilieth repeated as she peered at the map before gasping. “We’re close to the Zora!”
Abel spat out some more sand, rubbing his face. “Yes. And?”
“Sheik had said something about the Zora being hostile,” Tilieth said uncertainly, lowering the slate. “Why, though? They were allies to Hyrule. And… after all the effort you and that delegation put in…and the… the princess…”
Hostile? That woman he’d encountered hadn’t been. But what if she’d told her people, and they were coming here now?
After all the effort you and that delegation put in…
Abel bit back the bitterness of yet another failure, the pain and loss of the sweet princess who had been such dear friends with his son.
The point was that apparently the Zora were enemies now.
“We need to move quickly,” he surmised, finally standing and heading towards Link. “Start working on the pillars, please.”
Tilieth nodded, walking towards the water. The family made their way across as quickly as was feasible before Abel directed them towards the shrine.
However, once they entered, they did not receive the usual greeting.
“In the name of the Goddess Hylia, I offer this combat trial.”
“A combat trial?” Tilieth repeated worriedly.
Abel smiled, remembering the tutorial trial in Kakariko. Honestly, he was a little eager to get some energy out. He carefully lowered Link to the ground and headed into the large room. He figured he would test out the guardian weapon he’d taken from the last combat trial, alongside the Sheikah shield.
The tiny guardian was surprisingly easy to defeat. It telegraphed its moves so easily it was almost laughable. Abel was again, bitterly, reminded that these things had be designed to aid the people of Hyrule and its Hero. This little machine was here to train Link.
Instead, his boy was covered in wounds from its larger counterparts, near comatose and helpless.
Abel shook his head, finishing off the little guardian and trying to focus. He’d been far too morose lately. He had a mission to complete.
Goddess, he’d kill for some sleep, though.
The expression hitched in his mind, and he shook his head again. He turned and waved to Tilieth, signaling the all clear, before belatedly remembering he should go back to carry Link. Til, however, tried to carry the boy herself, dragging her feet into the arena while huffing and puffing a little.
Abel took pity on his wife, heart warmed at her attempt, and walked over to her. “Let me carry him, love.”
“No, I’ve got this,” Tilieth argued through a strained voice. “I have to be able to do this.”
I have to be able to do this if you’re going to leave me, was the unspoken sentiment. Abel felt his stomach crawl. He followed his wife silently, worries eating him alive. The couple retrieved a knight’s bow (how long had this been down here? Why was it designed similarly to their bows from ten years ago? Wasn’t this shrine ancient? Who else had accessed it, anyway? Why were there so many modern trinkets hidden down here?) and Link received the spirit orb, and they were transported outside.
Naturally, it was pouring. Abel shivered and quickly took Link in his arms to give Tilieth a break. He noticed the boy had little braids in his hair now, along the sides, before it was pulled back into the usual ponytail he wore. He supposed Tilieth had been enjoying herself on the beach. Link scrunched his face against the rain, clearly uncomfortable with the cold, and Abel looked around quickly to ascertain if it was wise to use the shrine for shelter until the rain let up.
Tilieth took the opportunity to look at the map. “I guess the best way to get to the desert would be going back through Kakariko? We could get one last respite in before the journey begins.”
Technically, the best path would be taking the road to the Riverside Stable, but that required going into Central Hyrule, which was out of the question. Not to mention the bridge leading there from the Wetlands Stable was destroyed, anyway.
No, Tilieth was right. The surest path was back through Kakariko.
“Let’s go,” he said quietly, carefully sliding down slick stone with Link in his arms. He didn’t want to linger.
When they reached the water, Tilieth hastened forward, grabbing Abel by the arm and shushing him. Abel looked at her, alarmed, wondering what she’d seen, watching as she crept forward. When he followed her line of sight, though, he saw some ducks waddling ahead on the shore.
“Really?” he whispered. “Right now? We’re about to go back into town, we don’t need to hunt.”
“Oh, I’m not hunting them, I just want to watch them,” Tilieth said lightly, a sweet smile pulling at her lips.
Abel bit back an exasperated reply. He’d already snapped at her yesterday. He wasn’t going to do it again. But they needed to move. He kept his mouth shut, watching his wife creep forward before talking briefly to the ducks, who quacked in response, eliciting giggles from Til. He tried to enjoy watching it. He really did.
“Til,” he finally said, unable to bear it any longer. “Link’s going to get cold.”
This snapped her out of her distraction, and Tilieth apologized worriedly as she started to create ice pillars. Abel let her place the harness on him before he positioned Link and strapped him in. The couple slid across the river, occasionally nearly toppling over with as slippery as it was, but they managed to make it to the beach and their horses. Abel thought they were finally in the clear when something else seemed to catch Tilieth’s eye (after she’d already snagged some dragonflies), and she pulled Epona in circles. Abel let Ama slow to a halt, watching his wife aimlessly ride in a dizzying pattern. At least the rain had stopped, but…
“What are you doing?” he asked, bewildered.
“There’s—there’s this—oh, I almost had it!” Tilieth huffed, pushing Epona to move faster and reaching down until she was halfway off the saddle. His wife was a good rider, so he wasn’t particularly concerned, but her behavior still made no sense. Link sneezed, distracting Abel, who tried to remember if they’d fed the boy or not (they did, right? They had to, right?), and he jostled the teenager and coaxed him to drink some broth while Tilieth still rode in a circle.
“Til—”
“I know, I’ll be quick!”
“Til, this is ridiculous, what are you even doing?”
“There’s a light!”
“There’s literally nothing.”
Til huffed, jumping off Epona entirely, making Abel tense up, and she pounced on something. “Got you!”
Abel stared as his wife, breathless, laughed giddily and reached out her hand and said thank you and then rose, looking triumphant.
Scrunching his nose, he surmised, “This is another one of those koroks, isn’t it?”
Tilieth nodded, cheeks flushed with cheer. Abel had to smile at her in reply, even though he felt that familiar helplessness. Not that he cared about collecting seeds, but it seemed in this avenue he was fairly useless. What if these magical creatures could help them somehow, and he was making himself a liability by not being able to see them? Why could Tilieth see them?
Sighing, Abel nudged Ama with his legs. “All finished?”
“Yes,” Tilieth said, satisfied, as she climbed back into Epona’s saddle. “Let’s get to the village. We should be able to get there by midafternoon, right?”
“Correct.”
At least, that would have been the plan, except Tilieth wanted to pick some herbs, and the slate started chirping that another shrine was nearby, leading them to a little sandbar with a shrine innocently sitting at its center. Abel stared, bemused, wondering if they’d somehow missed this one, as they had to have passed it, right?
No matter. Another shrine was another shrine. At least this one was close to the village.
“Ah, the soil is so fertile here,” Tilieth noted, and Abel had to agree as he nearly sank ankle deep into the earth. A few chus led to enough damage to the guardian blade that the ancient relic shattered, and Abel irritably switched weapons, grumbling about faulty Sheikah tech as he did so.
The shrine was fairly straightforward, leaping across driftwood to make it to the other side. The final part involved destroying bomb barrels at the right time to eliminate a wall (Abel did have to wonder at the efficacy of such a thing as the bombs were floating in the water, but he supposed they would find out). Tilieth found great pleasure in retrieving every treasure chest she could find, though, according to her, none could beat the one that contained the headband Abel wore.
“It’s too bad there aren’t more clothes,” she commented as Abel aimed at the barrels with a fire arrow. “Or at least materials to make some. Your clothes are a little tattered.”
Abel paused, glancing down at his attire. He wore what his wife had managed to patch together from fabric and clothes they’d found on the plateau, fashioning a warm doublet. The trousers he wore used to nearly fit him perfectly, but time and use had made them threadbare, riding up to nearly midway up his calf. His wife, on the other hand, wore an oversized green tunic that was practically a dress that went to her knees with a white undershirt, and the trousers she wore were made from the tattered remains of her dress she’d been wearing the day of the Calamity. Honestly, they both could use some new clothes, Abel supposed. He was at least grateful Tilieth had made some for Link. The boy was warmer and more protected in the Hylian tunic she’d fashioned. If only they could get the boy some shoes…
Tilieth built ice columns for them to stand on so Abel could aim better, but after three tries of missing lifting the barrels out of the water at the right time, his wife was clearly growing frustrated.
“Here,” Abel suggested gently, holding out his hand. “You’re a decent shot. I’ll make the column, you fire the arrow.”
Tilieth bit her lip uncertainly and then nodded. When Abel successfully timed the ice column, leaving the bomb barrel innocently waiting at its peak, Tilieth fired true with a fire arrow.
Link flinched at the ensuing explosion, sniffling, blinking his eyes open, but he settled back to sleep quickly.
“How did you get it?” Tilieth asked, obviously a little annoyed.
Abel smiled. “Because I’m more patient than you.”
His wife rolled her eyes exasperatedly, and the pair acquired the spirit orb. As they exited, Abel saw a familiar sight – the Riverside Stable, its framework splintering up towards the sky. That was definitely the stable he’d seen on their way to the Dueling Peaks. They’d… gotten a little off track with this other shrine.
“Which way back to Kakariko?” Tilieth questioned a little confusedly before gasping. “Abel, there’s another shrine over there!”
Abel glanced up at the sky. The sun was still high. They had time. “Let’s go.”
Surprisingly, Eagus Bridge was somehow still intact, though most of the protective siding was gone. But Abel realized something, almost too late, horribly, and he immediately blocked Tilieth’s path as they neared the next bridge.
“What?” Tilieth asked.
“This leads to Central Hyrule. The Riverside Stable is in Central Hyrule.” Abel emphasized. “We’re not going there.”
Tilieth looked torn, but also very clearly petrified.
Abel motioned with his head. “We need to get to the village.”
He was not risking his family for this. He would come later, without them, to ensure it was safe. Not that he was going to tell Tilieth that.
The smell of smoke scorched his nostrils, burned his lungs—
Abel shook his head, ridding himself of the memory, the sensation. He guided Epona and Ama ahead, holding Link more tightly.
The couple moved in silence, interrupted only by the rhythmic clomping of their steeds’ hooves. Thankfully it was an uneventful trek back to Kakariko. Their arrival caught everyone's attention, and Lady Impa moved towards them quickly.
“Any luck with the shrines?” she asked. “Is everything okay?”
“It’s fine,” Tilieth assured her with a smile. “We just need to pass through again to head for the—”
“Next destination,” Abel interrupted. He… didn’t want anyone to know where they were going. Not even the princess’ royal advisor. “We’ll stay here tonight. If that’s fine with you.”
“Of course,” Lady Impa acknowledged, her tone implying that it was obvious. Abel felt a little guilty at it, at her hesitancy and uncertainty as she looked at him. He’d never interacted with the woman much in the past, but a little voice in his mind did whisper that they were all on the same side. It sounded annoyingly like Tilieth.
Abel gently lowered Link from Ama, letting Tilieth take him and hobble over to a nearby cooking pot. He glanced towards the mountain pass once more.
He’d wait until nightfall to explore. The less fuss, the better.
Tilieth’s off-tune humming filled the air, making the former knight smile. His wife rocked back and forth where she sat, taking Link with her as he was settled on her lap. Abel took comfort in the gentle, warm cheer, watching as Tilieth started to chat aimlessly with the Sheikah chief.
“Where’s Sheik?” Tilieth asked. “I saw nearly everyone else. Oh, and how’s the little one and her mother? Mellie and Jummo, right?”
“They’re both doing great,” Lady Impa answered happily. “The plum trees we planted seem to be surviving too. This rain is certainly helping. As for Sheik, she left around the same time you two did.”
“Where did she go?”
“She’s… on a pilgrimage. She’s visiting all the sacred springs that Princess Zelda visited.”
Abel tuned out the rest of the conversation, simply watching Tilieth and Link. He sat on the stairs to the inn, leaning against a crate and feeling himself nod off. He supposed not sleeping was catching up to him. He shook his head to try and stay awake – he had to investigate Central Hyrule tonight, after all.
“Honey? You okay?”
Abel blinked again, and—when had the sun set so much? When had Tilieth moved to stand in front of him?
“Oh, Abel,” Tilieth said softly, placing a hand on his cheek. He reached up, letting his hand rest over hers to reassure her, eyes searching for Link as he confusedly tried to piece together what had just happened. “Honey, why don’t you get some sleep?”
Sleep? No, not yet. He’d just slept a little anyway, right? Time had passed.
“’m alright,” he slurred, not sounding convincing in the slightest. Damn it.
Tilieth’s eyes grew glassy with worry and unshed tears, and Abel felt even worse for it. Damn it.
Reaching forward, he pulled her close, letting her sit on his lap a moment as they held each other, and he kissed her just under her eyes, catching the tears as they fell. “I’m okay, love. I promise.”
Tilieth trembled in his arms, sniffling. “Abel, I just… it’s okay. Please, just rest. I’m worried about you.”
“Don’t worry,” he whispered, holding her more tightly, willing all of his love and assurance into it. Please don’t worry. She had enough to worry about. He’d caused his wife enough problems lately. “I promise I’ll sleep later tonight, okay? I just… want to pray at the statue before bed.”
Tilieth perked up, and her expression was hard to read. His wife was naturally far more trusting than him, so he hoped the lie would work (and oh how he despised having to lie to her, but she’d never let him go if he said what he was planning on doing). However, Tilieth was not a fool – she knew Abel didn’t really pray anymore. Perhaps, once in a while, in the middle of the night, in desperation or loneliness, Abel would wander to the Temple of Time before this new journey had begun, but it had been rare.
It was hard to believe in the love of goddesses who would allow this to happen, after all.
His wife watched him silently, her brown eyes piercing into him in a way that reminded him of Link, searching for answers unspoken. Abel broke the spell, though, by leaning in and kissing her on the forehead, brushing curls away from her face.
That night, he ate in silence. He didn’t dare speak, he didn’t dare try to reassure her any more, he didn’t wish to lie any further. Tilieth seemed to gain some of her earlier cheer back as she woke Link to feed him, as she cleaned him and tucked him in. Abel watched the pair, heart heavy, wondering if this was a mistake.
What if… what if he failed again? What if he got himself killed out there, in that goddess forsaken land? What if there were guardians out there as there had been ten years ago?
What would he find? What if he didn’t return?
What would happen to his family?
You’re being paranoid. There was no way Central Hyrule was that dangerous, or Lady Impa would have warned them about it. Right? Besides, Blatchery Plain was riddled with guardians and they were all harmless. So it had to be fine. Right?
Right?
There was a shrine there, though. He had to try.
For Link.
Abel watched Tilieth settle into the bed beside Link, leaving space for him to join her. He went outside, heading for the goddess statue.
Hylia smiled serenely at him. Abel stared darkly back.
He didn’t pray. He couldn’t. Even if he recognized the gift that Epona was, the miracle that Link was actually improving, he couldn’t pray. How could he, after what he’d done today?
How could he, after all his failures? He blamed Hylia for the destruction of Hyrule, but he hadn’t done any better to protect it.
He’d killed a man today.
Could he have avoided it?
It didn’t matter. Whether he could’ve avoided it or not, it didn’t matter. That person would never be a threat again.
But what if he was just scared? What if you could’ve talked him down, as you had with those siblings at Proxim Bridge?
Am I a murderer?
He supposed he didn’t deserve to pray. He wasn’t a knight; he wasn’t even a good man anymore. He was just a survivor. And he would do anything to protect his family.
Besides, that Hylian had clearly been starving. He’d likely been desperate and would’ve been willing to do anything too. He’d been a threat.
Abel still didn’t think he was a good man anymore, though. He wasn’t sure he’d been one since the Calamity.
He didn’t need to be a good man. Just a good fighter.
Hylia smiled serenely at him. Abel turned away.
He paused as he passed the inn. Almost went inside to see his wife and his son. But then he kept going. He didn’t want to risk catching Tilieth’s attention. Quietly, he guided Ama out of the village before mounting her and riding into the night.
A keese or two tried to interfere as he rode, but he eliminated them easily.
Eagus Bridge seemed infinitely more foreboding as he crossed it now. Horwell Bridge even more so.
Ama’s hoofs tapped rhythmically, a familiar, comforting cadence to the pounding in his heart. His skin felt cold, the hair on the back of his neck prickling. Was he being watched? He didn’t hear the sound of the earth tearing under clawed metal feet, he didn’t hear the claps of thunder that followed the firing of lasers, he didn’t hear the ticking as the mechanical monsters prepared to destroy whatever was in their path.
His heart raced even faster. Ama nickered nervously, picking up on his energy, pausing at the edge of the bridge.
Central Hyrule stood before him.
It was hard to really see it with as dark as it was. The moon was crescent tonight, barely spilling any of its blessed light. Abel’s eyes were wide, desperate to take in every piece of information he possibly could. The wind blew innocently, bringing the scent of soil and water.
No flowers. No leaves. No trees. Dirt was carried in the breeze, loose, eroding, barren.
It was all barren.
Abel carefully bade Ama forward, and as her hooves crunched into the soil, he felt his body tense further.
What little light was available from the moon vanished, hidden behind clouds heavy laden with rain. Ama’s black hair made her practically disappear into the darkness, and thunder rumbled not too far away.
Abel urged his steed ahead, slowly and carefully. Thunder rumbled again.
Thunder. Thunder.
The sky burned.
The bells in the temple rang repeatedly, a warning and a petition, a prayer and a guide. It punctuated the screams, it harmonized the ticking of lasers as they charged and fired, shooting through the air with such intensity that it created miniature claps of thunder as the heat separated the air harshly before it returned together with a snap.
Abel’s breath caught in his throat.
The world around him was deafening.
There was so much noise, and his ears were ringing so much, he honestly couldn't tell what sound came from what source anymore. Was it a scream? Was it a guardian? Was that a child wailing or a gear grinding? Was that his heart pounding in his ears or was it a thunderclap from another beam firing?
Ama whinnied, moving in place anxiously.
Abel stared ahead, watching troops march together, some limping, others helping their comrades. Many had wagons and horses to help them.
He heard whirring. He heard gears. He heard claws, and ticking, and thunder.
Thunder rumbled again. The earth shook. Ama neighed, growing skittish, jostling him in his saddle, it was raining, when had it started raining, something was moving, something was moving—
Abel heard horse hooves galloping, he heard a battle cry, he saw mud splashing in the barren wasteland around him—
Bokoblin!
Abel gasped, coming to reality, spurring Ama into motion, and she ran ahead. He drew his sword, catching sight of the enemy, recognizing faintly the familiar motion of aiming a bow and arrow. He jerked his horse to the side as an arrow flew by his ear, and he redirected her to charge once more, stabbing the bokoblin. His blood was racing, his body soaked, his hands trembling—
His horse whinnied with panic as flames spread too close, licking at its hooves and his heels. He steered the mare around the flames as she almost bucked him off, and then the flames were abruptly disrupted by a clawed foot tearing into the earth and squelching them.
In the haze and smoke, Abel recognized the pink mechanical eye transfixed on him. He sucked in a sharp inhale, coughing harshly on the smoke in his lungs, and urged his mount to move.
Metal glinted. Lightning flashed, reflecting on a blank eye, a mirror to a past of fire and smoke.
Abel froze in his saddle. Ama ran harder, petrified, out of control.
The guardian was hot on his heels, charging its laser as he once again pushed the horse to run faster. His steed neighed in protest, her stamina draining out of her faster than it could replenish, and the guardian fired.
Go! Go, run!!!!
Abel pulled on the reins hard, making Ama neigh in protest as she tried to obey, as her hooves slipped, she lost her balance in such a sharp turn, and both horse and rider fell into the mud.
Thunder rumbled.
Thunder clapped as lasers fired.
It was pouring.
The sky was aflame as people screamed.
It was deafening it was deafening.
Movement stirred nearby, screams—screams of civilians—thunder thunder guardian fire, they were everywhere—
Abel whirled, sword at the ready, a snarl at his lips as Ama tried to right herself. His hilt made contact, slamming something, and he looked around with crazed, terrified eyes.
Where was it where was it—
Ama finally stood. Thunder rumbled again. Lightning flashed.
Lightning flashed. Shining a light. A light. On the barren wasteland. There was—there were—what was—
Blonde curls, stained with red. A figure, lying still in the mud. Green tunic smattered in brown, the only green as far as the eye could see—
Abel felt his heart stop.
This wasn’t—this wasn’t real this wasn’t real nononononono—
Abel ran, heart racing once more. The world shook as lighting struck again. The figure remained still on the ground.
“TILIETH!”
He collapsed into the mud, shaking her shaking her begging, pleading, goddess no please no—
The still fingers. The still feet. The still body. The paleness, the redness, the black and blue and—
“NO!”
Thunder roared. The rain was deafening. But nothing could outweigh the sobs, nothing could cover the screams, nothing could stave the panic as the former knight shook his wife over and over and over and over and over.
#I am so sorry guys#I AM SO SORRY TIL AND ABEL#I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED OK#THE THOUGHT CAME TO ME AND IT JUST TOOK OFF AND#AJTEIWOAJFEIWOAJFKSLAJFIOEWA#ABEL IS NOT OK#writing#blood of the hero#abel#tilieth#tis but a scratch#eheheh#heh#I'm gonna go bury myself under a rock now#out of shame#and before Abel kills me#breath of the wild#legend of zelda#breath of the wild link#botw link#ABEL YOU MORON I--#GET SOME DAMN SLEEP AND--#*SCREAMING*#*flees*#NEVER LET ME LISTEN TO FINAL HOURS EVER AGAIN#my skin is crawling after writing this oh my gosh#NOBODY IS DEAD I PROMISE
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Mouthwashing Spoilers
TW: Addiction and Self Harm
I wanna go on about Swansea's final monologue but it's hard to put into words, but I'm gonna try anyways cause it's a short, but strong story about autonomy again. This post ended up significantly longer than I wanted though
It's the autonomy to choose the "less healthy" option because it's appealing to you. It's the moral assignment to normality and stability. An alcoholic is an alcoholic by choice, technically, but do they owe us otherwise? Is it morally reprehensible to enjoy taking LSD at a party? Should we see someone as less than because they relax with a xanax instead of a hot shower? It's not healthy. We know that. We've seen anti-drug ad after ad after ad. But is that the part that's morally wrong, in and of itself? Does enjoying the drugs and chaos make Swansea a worse person?
Like him talking about his entire life and ending it by saying between the "stable" "normal" life and him waking up every morning with a new hangover, he preferred the latter. People always talk about getting clean and fixing their lives and Swansea did it! He did the thing "good men" do! A wife and kids and a trade job and sobriety! He was doing it! He was finally "worth" something!
And he hated it! I mean I don't know if he actually hated/despised it, but he misses his previous life. He misses drugs and partying and living like you might not wake up the next day. He said the thing that changed him was seeing himself dead in a ditch under the bright beam of a streetlight. Now he's looking down the barrel of a gun. And as he looks down it, he looks back. That was his preference. It felt good to be like that. And he wouldn't be here if he stayed there
We always have a narrative about drugs or gambling or sleeping around where a person suddenly realizes that they aren't "doing anything" with their life and becomes stable and it's always played like addiction is a false pleasure. Swansea got to the stability people said would be the real pleasure of life and that just wasn't true for him. One bad paycheck could've been the difference between his stable life and falling apart anyways. His lifestyle was going to kill him someday apparently, yet he's staring down the barrel of a gun at his steady trade job to feed his wife and kids.
I don't know quite how to word it but Swansea is the poster child for rehabilitation. There's this weight to him saying his alcoholic period was the best time of his life. Like it just hits at that pang that makes people wear DARE shirts while smoking weed and post those videos of smoking 100 cigarettes at once. Anti-vaping ads tell you about the damage they do to your body but everyone knows that already. Everyone knows "this is what your brain looks like on drugs." I smoke medical marijuana and it isn't good for my lungs but it's good for my pain. Doing drugs isn't good for me and I know that and that's sorta the point sometimes.
I don't know it's just this weird pang where I know what Swansea means, just not to nearly the same extent. I don't have an addiction so I don't think I could fully understand it. Maybe a better thing I could relate it to for myself is self harm. It's not healthy sure, but who do I owe health? Myself? Other people? And what is healthy? Is it feeling better now? Is it resisting now and feeling worse for it until it stops? What if the coping skills I learn make it worse? What if they make it better? Do I want it to get better? Does Swansea want to get better? What would better feel like to either of us?
Who knows until you try. Swansea got a collared shirt, a mortgage, and a credit card. He got a job and a wife and kids. He got sober. He got healthier, depending on your definition.
But did he feel better? He's looking down a barrel of a gun and he has to decide if he feels better. It doesn't seem like he regrets his new life. He says he wants his kids to be better than him. He wants good things to happen for them. He saw himself as one bad slip away from falling again. I don't think he felt better though. I think he got healthier. He likely would've ended up in the ditch he dreamt about, but we don't know that. We also don't know if that's what he'd prefer. But, we do know he got healthier, depending on your definition.
#mouthwashing#tw addiction#tw self harm#It got a little personal in the end but I keep watching that scene cause it reminds me of a convo with my therapist#It's been a lil under a year since I last self harmed#but he told me that things like addictions and self harm are tools#they're neutral actions that either make you feel better or worse#and that's usually up to the circumstances around the action rather than the act itself#Taking narcotics might fill you with shame or make you feel giddy. Maybe even both#Self harm can make you feel embarrassed but cathartic#That's unhealthy#now what?#There needs to be something to replace that feeling or you'll just crave it until you can't stand the feeling anymore#And sure you can talk about will and self control but why? Who are they doing this for? Themselves? Friends? Family?#Cause there's so many factors that can make that difference and sometimes the answer is 'No one'#So you crave and is that healthier? I'm not saying to self harm again or break your sobriety#But there's gotta be something to replace it. AA and NA use a higher power and ppl use nicotine gum for smoking#Essentially what I'm saying is that it's not the end of the world to enjoy your addiction#Is it unhealthy? Absolutely. Wounds can get infected and drugs can be laced or you can OD#But is it morally wrong for Swansea to say those were the best days of his life?#Is it wrong for him to live the sober life and decide he preferred his alcoholism?#My therapist doesn't want me to harm myself. He'd prefer for me to learn new coping skills to replace it. And I did#The urges still come up for me sometimes. He says they come up for him too. Less so. But they do#He says a relapse could happen. What's wrong with that? You just start over with a new goal and a new skill. And if that skill is worse?#Well that original tool is there until you get a new one. It's not great but it feels better than a new bad tool#And maybe it's okay to fiddle with that old tool if you don't wanna bother with a new one again
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I unfortunately can't find the poll about locaring the US-States, but it inspired me to do a poll about locating countries in the EU. We never had to learn the US states (obviously, I guess), but we did have to learn the countries at some point, so I'm really curious.
Take this Quiz to test how fast/correctly you can locate countries in the EU.
disclaimer: this is a first attempt test with no prep, so if you do poorly, don't feel bad. I find this site is a very helpful tool when it comes to learning where countries in general (or US states) are located, and if you're interested in it, you'll get better in no time! I promise! :) Knowing where certain countries are located makes it a lot easier to understand historical events, cultural influences and contemporary politics, which makes it useful and fun. This isn't a marker for intelligence and this poll isn't intended to be condescending or mean-spirited.
#btw I was incredibly bad at geography#I remember getting maybe 5 countries on that test because I hadn't been aware#that we'd be tested on them. it was awful haha. one of my core memories from school.#so trying to learn them now is really important to me to overcome that shame#BUT I still did poorly when I did it for the first time after a long break the other day. I got like 55%#the small countries by greece really did a number on me :( very shameful#BUT at this point I'm at a solid ~80%!!! I'm very proud of myself :)#edit: I did. it again just now and got 100%! :)))))) im very happy about that
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god herself compelled me to watch the first 40 episodes of skibidi toilet and i literally couldn't rest before i voiced my thoughts
gen alpha meme made me do my first piece of written media analysis since i graduated uni eight years ago
i am unwell
skibidi toilets seem to be perceived and treated as an invasive species by the narrative but they are not outright hostile - so why are the camera heads so aggressive from the get go? are we perhaps entering the conflict in the middle as spectators and the growing frustration of the camera heads/humans is just reaching a tipping point?
camera heads resemble humans in their anatomy at least from the outside (apart from having a camera for the head) so do they shit? do they use toilets? if so, maybe the conflict is actually over a scarce resource (toilets)?
the rising aggression is first instigated by the camera heads who deal with skibidi toilets by flushing them down, which seems to be as close to death as the skibidi toilets get (based on their aggressive retaliation)
camera heads later associated with tears for fears' evergreen hit "everybody wants to rule the world" and it is pointedly the original version and not for example the lorde cover that was featured in the hunger games part 2 - catching fire
this is an important fact because the song came out in 1980s and is thusly more clearly associated with elder millenials/gen xs and since the gen alpha are associated with skibidi toilet, juxtaposing these two songs as battling forces paints an interesting picture about generational tension
do skibidi toilets die when they are being flushed? there should be so many empty toilets in the streets but that's not the case -- so are skibidi toilets immortal or do the original hosts die in order for a new skibidi to take over that specific porcelain bowl
skibidi toilets are free moving, sometimes flying, so they're not tetherd to a plumbing network like a normal toilet. this rises the question where do the skibidis go when flushed? this supports the theory that skibidis don't actually die when flushed, but come back up after an unspecified amount of time and are hence immortal (however, the feeling of being flushed must be bad because they react so negatively to it -- or maybe it's a cultural faux pas?)
#i turned 30 this year by the way#and like i am serious when i say i have no clue what made me use my thursday evening like this#skibidi toilet#i guess#i'm posting this to hold myself accountable and project my shame so this doesn't happen again
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i think it should be possible to scream without making any noise or disturbing anyone or inviting any questions . just sometimes . as a treat .
#hhhhHHHGHGHHHHHH#jay screams into the void#(deeply personal rant incoming feel free to ignore)#a friend of mine has just been undiagnosed with bpd which . lovely for them but it sure as fuck invites a Lot of questions#suddenly a great deal of previous shitty behaviour that was excused on the basis of bpd has a lot more to answer for#(obligatory I Know BPD Isn't An Excuse To Treat People Like Shit . im aware . i have bpd myself and i have v high standards re my behaviour)#(however allowances were made bc they were unmedicated & out of therapy through no fault of their own)#(and our whole group has enough experience with untreated mental illness to understand that it can make u a bitch sometimes)#but yeah no there have been a LOT of instances of b&w thinking + manipulation + unfair judgement + high emotion + snap reactions#and every situation Could be explained by untreated bpd and the bad times have never been prolonged or often enough to outweigh the good#but Hoo Boy if that wasn't bpd then what the FUCK was it#like either the new psychiatrist is wrong (possible but i seem to be the only one questioning it) or they're just Like That#and again . not enough to outweigh their numerous positive and loveable traits#but the whole group has been destabilised on a number of occasions due to their actions during a bad spell#and i'm really not sure Any Other Explanation is enough to justify that#ah well . this seems like the kind of thing that will eventually come up during a sleepover heart to heart#but rn i'm stuck in a bubble of MAJOR rsd & brainfuck abt it . which is unfortunate bc now is exactly the time i Don't need brainfuck#anyways ✨ goodnight tumblrinas i am . kind of hoping nobody read this bc i fear i sound like a bitch#i am genuinely happy for their undiagnosis it seems to have put many things into perspective for them & theyre v happy about it#i'm just . uncomfy w some aspects of it that i have only been halfway brave enough to discuss with them personally#That's One To Bring Up With My Therapist In A Few Weeks#Bit Of A Shame I'm No Longer In Therapy And Now Have Only 2 Quarterly Reviews Left Before I'm Discharged From The Service
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fr tho that post @ucantrelate posted yesterday about using this site kinda opened my eyes a little i gotta chill with my usage
#gonna limit myself and only use on my laptop#logging out every time so it's annoying to have to log back in#i don't think i'll ever tho i'm just that weak still unfortunately#lmao i do enjoy seeing what ya'll post and sharing my thoughts#but i found myself using this site instead of tiktok when in reality i should be doing anything else lmao#my screen time is shameful#anyway this is jsut me again ranting#damn actually typing all these on laptop is so much better#prophetizing
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Coming in to play! (Patreon)
#Doodles#Webkinz#Webkinz hours! The cute lads have wedged their way back to the forefront of my mind haha#I'm honestly really glad I kept all my Webkinz plush over time and they've survived all the moves and whatnot#Some are still missing - most notably my horses for some reason - but I have the rest onhand and they're still cute and soft and I love them#Getting the opportunity to name and play with them as a young'un made them stick quite strongly in my mind ♪#And I still find some of my design sensibilities with their roots in the gameplay/game design/UI design/interactivity#I think it inspired some of my Video Game Design brain which is an aspect of myself I'm quite happy with :D#And I /love/ plushies probably now more than ever <3 So I'm doubly glad younger me didn't get rid of them haha#Got my lineup that featured in Tala's Requestober this year ♥ I left out a couple for what are probably obvious reasons ahem ahem#If you haven't seen what the Official design of the clownfish is in Webkinz... The plushy is arguably worse lol why that one of all of them#Hire me to design Webkinz fish I dare you#There are actually several cute fish - and several ugly ones! Lol I don't know why they're so inconsistent#It's not like the differences between Signature and Classic! Most of the fish are Classic or eStore! I don't know what gives lol#Anyway lol the other one I left out was my Night Mare since I couldn't remember his name either - which is a shame! I liked him#I still have some fairly clear memories of playing Webkinz with those lads <3 Of the different rooms and relationships and games#It's nostalgic! It's nice to reminisce on something so cheery and cute and light and fluffy :)#As for the rest hehe - I tend to pick up 'kinz whenever I find them at secondhand shops and the like - much like Lalaloopsies#They're out of production! Harder to find - rare and valuable haha totally#I haven't found any New With Tags so far but I'm on the hunt still!! Someday it'll be my turn...#But I Have found some really adorable fellows for cents on the dollar haha <3 Two Blue Whales and a Sheep and Duck!! So cute#My latest find was a Lil'kinz Lioness Cub and she is - So tiny <3 Really adorably constructed with a fluffy nose ahhh ♪#The Long Eared Bunny is my current Free 'kinz! I unfortunately lost the account with Baaby so I had to start over again but that's alright#This time I've got Embroidery and she's in a closet cosplay of Edgar haha - black-and-grey striped shirt with dark pants and round glasses#And angel wings! I was able to snag those from the Ganz website and they're perfect honestly haha ♥ She won an Open Beauty Pageant with it!#Couple of her with Sugar - my first Webkinz I got to play with since Diamond's tag was thrown away :') Sugar's my oldest 'kinz <3#And of her with smol's Free 'kinz since I convinced her to play with me off and on haha - her Leonberger named Borgus :D#And then one final one of what I'd really like - a Webkinz Spider ;;♥ I /know/ they've made spider objects that are really cute!#And April Fools' fake pets of a spider!! Give me the fluffy spider please Ganz even if there's no plushie I just need to pet the spider
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Cats
What's not to love about these lovely creatures? Honestly, growing up I was always a dog person (even despite the fact that I was attacked by one when I was young). But then I realized I wouldn't be able to take care of a dog for, well, a buncha reasons, thought about how it would be to have a cat, and thought, yeah, it would be nice to have one. For so many reasons. The eternally lethargic me could never take care of a dog properly. A cat, though? I probably could.
#the void asks back#I physically still can't bring myself not to freeze up or get away when a dog is nearby#despite the fact that I still love them#my first thought when one is nearby is always “what if it decides to attack me?”#obviously the answer is that it won't but childhood trauma does shit to you lol#that's the first time I've ever called it trauma but now that I mention it it really is huh#still remember sobbing afterwards about the wounds on my back#shame I never got any scars#the least I could get for going through that#fun fact: The next house we moved to after that incident had a dog that was chained that I played with#one of my strongest memories with the dog was of accidentally hurting it because of how sad and guilty it made me#like damn I really liked that dog#despite the fact that I still couldn't get too close given the whole recently formed trauma thing#I do also remember getting chased by a crocodile with my aunt back in the same home the dog attack took place in#or was it an alligator#but honestly I have trouble believing that memory wasn't a dream#even though that's the only memory of that time I'm unsure is a dream or not#one day I should ask my aunt if it was a dream#also we were in the house's compound so we were able to run inside and be fine#but somehow I doubt that that really happened#oops there I go rambling in the tags again
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i don't know how to be merely acquaintances when we used to be friends. or i think we used to be. i don't know how to yearn for a simple hello when you've been heaping your affection on me months ago, and i don't know how to talk to you when you won't say anything. when suddenly it's all about me. you know i have nothing to say, you know my brain is void of everything but horribleness and i cannot tell you about my day because i don't even know about my day. i cannot tell you about my day when i know you won't listen, when i know you'll apply your philosophy to my world and don't believe me when i say that everything is terrible. i don't know how to be the person you seem to think i am, or the person you want in your life. i don't know if you want anyone else in your life now that you're in love and sappy, found another recipient for your affections, leaving me empty and wounded and yearning.
you said you missed me. said it many times, while i was gone. now i'm back, have been back, and i wonder how you missed me, why you missed me, when you won't talk to me. i think you mistook missing for worrying. i think you mistook caring for a feeling of obligation. i think you like missing me more than talking to me.
and i think i can't breathe with how much that hurts
#how do you miss me when you won't talk to me? how do you like me so much and then go to just. not?#how did i let you in when i try so hard not to let people do that because i know that once they get past the walls all i'll be left with#is the idea of them rotting and withering inside me. polluting the space i create to keep myself safe.#why does everyone leave? leave in silence too. leaving behind so many questions and so many words engraved in my brain#i am so tired of *grieving* when those i grieve are still alive and well and thriving and i'm reminded that it's versions of myself#that i'm grieving instead. how do you grieve yourself? how do you not fucking fall apart over it?#just. fucking talk to me. don't make it be true that all i'll ever be is nothingness and the memory of someone you liked once#but never never never liked enough#i'm so so cold already. i'm a shell. i want to be warm again but it always leaves me so hollow and hurting#i grieve the dio who was warm. i grieve them i miss them i am so so angry that he had to leave. to hide. with no way out#i'm happy for you. i'm happy you're happy. but you're no better than anyone else and it makes me want to run away again#but i have nowhere else to run and no one else to be. and it's so fucked that it doesn't matter who i am i'll never be enough#for someone to just. stay. to see me and to stay. to hear me and to sit and listen and just. just fucking stay.#maybe i'm not worth staying for. maybe there's nothing to know nothing to hear nothing to see nothing to listen to nothing to find#maybe all i'll ever get is one/two good months paid for with a lifetime of grief. and i'm at the point where i don't want the good months#anymore with you or anyone else who tears down these walls with affection that is so endlessly addictive and leaves me yearning.#on the off chance that it will keep the grief away too. but that's the thing about grief isn't it? it's here to stay. unlike you#god this is so fucked up and i'll delete this later but for now i just need to. let it out. poe said i should make a side blog for the grie#but poe's not there anymore. poe has stopped starting fires. so this goes on main until shame makes me take it down#blah#personal#not st
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#gonna ramble about irl here so people don't have to read it unless they want to#so because I got covid and couldn’t leave my bed I've essentially lost my job#I've told my manager I'm okay to go back to work#even if my body is still sore#but she's only given me a 3 hour shift a week#and you guessed it!#it's the late shift#the one where it takes me almost 2 hours to get home from#she's being so petty with me#and I am so behind in rent#I've applied for government assistance and I have a meeting with them tomorrow#I really hope they can help because I feel awful#I'm also annoyed at myself because I can't find my knee brace ANYWHERE#I thought I could find one for around $10 but nope!#the closest stores selling them are like $25+ so that's fun#I don't know when I'll be able to draw again#I'm so stressed again about money and secueing work#hopefully once I can get govt assistance at least I can enjoy life again#also I tried to ask the zine that still owes me money if they could finally send payment but they still keep delaying it with excuses#I'm so desperate it's shameful
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gaaah
#hung out w my dear friend today and she made bolognaise for us and we watched a movie#and we are so close now we cuddle a lot and almost held hands on the couch today helppp#i am so confused it's like kind of good that it's not clearly romantic or platonic bcs idk what i want either just that i like her a lot#it's so good but also bringing all my internalized homophobia and intimacy and shame issues to the surface again agrgarg#i have to be very gentle and patient with myself!#i am not a good emotional communicator a lot of things make me embarrassed and tense up and mentally disengage from the situation#and I've realized it's like almost impossible for me to ask for any kind of affection. but i think i am learning a little bit maybe#just feels very vulnerable and scary :-( it feels like everyone else already overcame their issues w this and I'm so late it's embarrassing#anyway sorry extremely personal i am too embarrassed to write in a journal just to myself and this is somehow better
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I hate going to the dentist or the doctor's or whatever because every single time they're like
"And how often do you brush your teeth?"
And I'm really really bad at forming habits. Absolute garbage at it. It's really hard for me to start doing something and then maintain it as routine, and that's if I even REMEMBER to do it. IF I even remember, I still need to scrounge up the motivation to do it. I've never in my life been able to maintain a routine of brushing my teeth twice a fucking day, but there's been a few times where, with enough effort, I've been able to maintain a routine of once a day.
So I look at them, and I'm like, "I brush my teeth about once a day," and I'm proud of myself, a little, because I know it was really hard for me to get there, and once a day is better than nothing, right?
But they look at me, and every time they're like, "Well, you really should be brushing your teeth twice a day." And any amount of pride I might've had is gone, washed away and drowned out by shame, instead, because even my best isn't good enough. Even when I've managed to get something, they look at me and they're like "You should do more."
And they'll lecture me on it, tell me that once a day isn't enough. They'll tell me to at least try to brush my teeth twice a day, not once, and they'll present it like it's such a reasonable request. Like, this is the bare minimum, this isn't hard to do, it's easy, you should at least try to do it.
And because the shame is too much, and I don't want to look like I'm not trying, because I AM, I'm trying my best, and I don't want to say no because then it'll look like I'm just lazy, not willing to put in the effort. So I'll say okay, and I'll agree. And when I go home, I brush my teeth and maybe I'll brush my teeth twice a day for two or three days, and then I'll miss it. It's too emotionally/slash mentally draining to keep up the habit, or I didn't have the time, or some other reason, but I'll miss it.
And then, instead of being able to go back to brushing my teeth once a day, keeping that small, basic thing so that I have at least some upkeep on my teeth, I feel so much shame and dejection, I feel like such a useless failure, that I just.. Stop. I stop doing even that basic upkeep. I don't brush my teeth for fucking months, until it gets bad enough that they start to hurt and even then I'm like, why should I even try to get back into the habit? It's not worth it. It's not enough. It'll never be enough.
My best will never be enough for those people. I'll brush my teeth once a day, and they'll say, well, it should really be twice a day, as if I don't already know. I'll clean a small portion of my room, organize my desk or take out the trash or clean the closet, and they'll say, well, you should really clean the whole thing. I'll walk for twenty or thirty minutes while my legs hurt nearly the whole time, and then it gets bad enough I have to sit down, and they'll say, well, you really shouldn't sit here or you're wasting time or come on, it's not even that long, you should be able to walk for this long. or you're being dramatic, just believe in yourself!
I'm tired of it. I'm tired of my needs being dismissed, my best efforts being dismissed as not good enough when it's so hard for me to do that much. I hate it, and I hate how even though I know that I'm trying my goddamn best I can't fully erase the shame, not truly. It sits in the back of my brain like a parasite, eating away at my motivation to do things, to try my best. Consuming it until the shame just crushes and paralyzes me, and then I can't get myself to do anything like that at all, can't even try to put in the bare minimum, let alone my best. Because my best isn't good enough, will never be good enough, and it'll never get rid of the shame.
#vent post#ok to reblog#ableism#autism#adhd#neurodivergent#executive dysfunction#We're not even gonna get into the physical stuff that makes it hard to perform tasks rn#Shame is awful and it is not a productive emotion the ONLY thing shame does#is make you HATE yourself and discourage you from ever trying again#FUCK shame.#fuck ableism#this post is brought to you by#the dentist appointment i had today mixed with my past experiences ive had with dentists</3#I'm trying so hard not to care#and to keep doing these things and taking care of myself#but its so fucking hard when everyone tells you it isnt enough.#its so hard to be your own biggest cheerleader. to keep trying to encourage yourself#and ignore the people that tell you that you aren't enough.#Its so hard to be an optimist. To constantly try to look on the bright side and be proud of your efforts#Its so fucking hard to love yourself. I'm trying but it's so fucking hard#felixlupin.txt
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