#I'm never going to get top surgery or a hysterectomy

[advisorsage]

.

[king-sassy08]

I'm back at it again, unfortunately

[butchpeace]

Hey, recently found your blog though the detrans tag. I'm looking for some advice, if you don't mind me asking.

I [mid-20's] was born female and transitioned (top surgery, hysterectomy & oophorectomy, 6+ years on HRT) and I feel...out of place.

I've never been able to mix with LGBT groups and I don't understand the culture (?) surrounding it. The word "queer" bothers me because I know what it means, I believe sexuality to be sex-based (because that makes sense—I can't comprehend how anyone can believe lesbians are able to be into dick), I don't think gender/sex is "fluid" or what have you, I find asking people for their pronouns to be insulting and invasive to everyone (+ using "they" as default)—save for, specifically, openly non-binary people—etc., etc. So, there's no community to be found within the LGBT community for me. It is what it is.

I've tried to find some sort of space to slot into within "TERF" corners of the internet, but the community (?) freaks me out somewhat. (i.e., using terms like "genderists" is weird as hell to me & puts me off as someone questioning detransition & still on HRT.) So, no community there. Again, it is what it is.

I've tried Transmedicalist groups, but again, my "TERF-esque" beliefs aren't welcome. They're not a fan of Buck Angel (neither am I, but I relate to & agree with his "female living as a man" perspective).

I suppose I'm just wondering how the hell you do it. How are you getting by? How do you find normal, likeminded people who get you?

I have a [not trans] girlfriend who has been incredibly supportive of me throughout my transition + with now referring to me with "she"/"woman"/etc and such [privately]. We share similar views on sexuality being sex-based, so things have worked out well between us.

I'm just feeling real alien whenever I compare my life & beliefs to all of these different groups of people. Feels like there's nowhere to go to.

Honestly, it’s tough! I’m new to all this too and I feel like we’re in this weird space right now where detransitioners are figuring all this out together. I’m also not someone who will have an easy time of socially detransitioning, so it’s gonna be a gradual process for me.

I benefitted a lot from detrans support groups in the beginning, and made some closer connections through there with people who I hope will be in my life long term, although they’re long distance. That’s what helped me really figure out where I stand on everything, and helped me sort through my mental health shit and the reasons for my transition in the first place, as well as processing the trauma of it all. Feel free to DM me if you’re interested in a support group, or I’m always down for new detrans friends if you want to talk!

I’m not out as detransitioning to everyone in my life yet, but the process of starting to come out has been interesting. It’s really hard to try to balance all these different groups and find people who get you while also being completely honest about your opinions and your history. I have trans friends who I want to keep in my life. Even if I no longer agree with transition, I still care about them. They respect my detransition even if they don’t get it. I have LGB friends who understand what detransition means but who also don’t really get it on a deeper level. I have straight friends who understand what detransition means, but don’t understand lesbian culture or the forces that caused my transition in the first place.

But I think the important thing is to just be really honest. That’s something I’m working on myself. I think people understand more than you might think they would, once you really open up to them. And don’t be afraid to speak your mind a little bit here and there, as it feels safe. I honestly believe that most people have reservations and disagreements with the mainstream beliefs of the trans community, and they’ll be happy to know that you’re a safe person for them to talk about that with. For example, most people don’t like the idea of kids transitioning, and don’t agree with the sexuality bullshit. Those can be easy ways to get into a conversation about it all.

Hopefully something there helped 🤷🏻‍♂️🌈

[liquidstar]

Okay I'm thinking about Dear Society again, and I think that the theme of Kanesho cursing society for having to adhere to its gendered standards doesn't go away after the post-transition timeskip. He still has to keep doing it- he still lives in a society (like the joker)

But like I think the best depiction of it was that he didn't want a hysterectomy. He wanted top surgery and to go on hormones, that was all for him. But legally in order to be viewed as a man and be able to marry the woman he loves he HAD to get one. He was at peace with it, because he saw it as worth it for the wedding, but... Any reader should know and understand at this point that he's a man, that he doesn't need to be forced into surgery to prove it, that this act doesn't define who he is. But that doesn't matter, because that's not what society thinks.

"Dear Society" as a title doesn't just function as the gimmick phrase to open chapters with, representing Kanesho's own frustrations with the world. The manga itself is a letter to society, its themes are ones that are imploring its readers to understand why these issues need to be changed.

Which is why I think the fact that his transition didn't fix everything is important, because the issue was never him. The trans stuff is really depicted in a way that's both representative and informative in a lot of aspects, and I have no idea if the mangaka has had some sort of experience in this regard or if they're just well researched, that's not really important though because that's not what the story is about.

The story is about asking you, the reader, to change the way you view gender roles and bianries. About what it means to be a man or woman. About asking society at large to change how it defines people. It's a small letter to society.

[autisticwriterblog]

Welcome to: gender thoughts and worrying with Riley

Putting this under a cut because it's all about gender dysphoria, my thoughts about potentially starting HRT, transphobia and misgendering, and also some pretty TMI details.

Okay, so I've been comfortable describing myself as a transmasc person, or a NB trans man. Something very man-adjacent. And I'm happy with he/they pronouns (although I wish my family would use he/him more often - but that sounds ungrateful because I'm so glad they all got used to they/them, even my grandparents). Basically, I'm comfortable in my gender. But I sometimes wonder if I want my body to be different.

Top surgery was, without exaggeration, one of the best things that ever happened to me. I'm so much happier in myself, I can actually look at myself shirtless now, and I love touching my scars and seeing my flat chest under my shirts. I love everything about it.

But it sometimes doesn't feel like enough. I worry that everyone still views me as a girl who just cut her tits off. I met my aunt's boyfriend and within five minutes, he was talking to my aunt and said, "I was just asking Riley what sort of video games she likes." And I was sitting there in my clothes from the men's department and my buzz cut hair and my pretty androgynous appearance (I've naturally got a deeper voice for someone AFAB, I'm not that short and I have big feet, and I have a bit of very dark facial hair on my upper lip that the women in my family all pluck or bleach because they're self conscious about it, but I like it) and as I said above, my flat fucking chest under my POTF T-shirt. And yet he she/her'd me and it infuriated me. I clearly can't pass well enough to fool even someone who never met me before I came out.

(Side note: I really don't like the guy. He's a conspiracy theorist weirdo and he misgendered my aunt's god-son (not actually their relationship but it's easier to explain this way) multiple times and it was so fucking awkward. He kept asking about this couple's 'daughter' and I said "X and Y don't have a daughter" and he still kept doing it. Fucking prick.)

Anyway, this whole thing got me thinking about T again. I've always said I don't want it because you can't pick and choose what it'll give you. And for example, whilst I'd love my voice to be deeper and facial hair sounds pretty rad, I'm really not sure about the going through puberty all over again thing and there's a chance I'd lose my hair and I don't want that, and I'm 50/50 on if bottom growth would be an improvement or not. So, yeah, I always ruled it out.

But... I want to pass. I want to be read androgynous or masc, not just a butch woman. And I really think some parts of T would help. And who knows? Maybe I would like bottom growth? Who fucking knows. I'm already dysphoric about my genitals, so even though I mentioned worrying about that above, I'm not sure bottom growth could make things worse for me down there. I'm also a bit concerned about libido increase, but it's actually already been up recently since I got my first crush and I'm learning to deal with it. Plus, I did experience some of that during puberty and I survived.

Oh, and the hysterectomy thing is very likely to fall through because my doctor is fatphobic, so I'm kinda fucked about my painful periods for ages. But for a lot of people, T weakens or even stops their periods. And I keep thinking about how if that happened to me, it'd possibly solve my period dysphoria problem without having to pay £8000 for private surgery (because the NHS would never do it), assuming that my doctor would even do it even though he said he didn't have a fucking weight limit when I fucking paid £200 for a consultation. But I'm getting off topic.

Plus, I'm an impulsive person who changes his mind really easily, so my anxiety is being bitch and making me think "what if I regret it?!" even though that almost never happens and it's a fucking TERF talking point in my country. I don't even know what I'm trying to say anymore.

But the biggest part is... I live with my parents and I need help with a lot of things bc autism (I can't drive or go anywhere on my own and I need help with phone calls and all sorts of shit that mean I'm never going to be independent), so if they had a problem with me taking T for whatever reason, I'd be fucked. They've always been supportive and say that they'll help me with whatever as long as it makes me happy... but what if me taking hormones would be a step too far for them? My dad still hasn't seen me shirtless and I worry it's because he still thinks I'm a girl. So he might freak out. Or maybe my mum would and that would hurt even more because she's the person I love most in the world and I wouldn't want her to hate me.

I just get scared of everything. And I want to be happy and I wonder sometimes if hormones would help. Or if even bringing up the topic with my family would make everything fall apart.

[kivaember]

slaps down some Young Jupiter Walt/Mich bc i feel terrible today and am tired. Michigan's getting Walter some pads.

-

"Okay, I'm in the aisle."

"I really don't get why you need me to walk you through this," Walter's grumpy voice grouched over the phone. "Just grab whatever."

Michigan scoffed. Sure, Walter said that, but no doubt he would bitch and moan if Michigan grabbed 'the wrong one' and then send him out again anyways. He wasn't having this be another Ibuprofen incident.

"Walter, you're the pickiest motherfucker on Ganymede," he drawled. "Besides, I've never bought this shit before. I dunno which is good."

As he spoke, he picked up a bright pink pack in soft packaging. On the front it said it had 'wings' as well as a bunch of other commercial nonsense which were no doubt a pack of lies. The only useful thing on it was the water droplet measurement in the corner. This one was for 'light flow'.

"Heavy, wings, preferably night time ones," Walter grunted. His tone was more curt than usual. "Oh, don't get the cheapest ones. They chafe."

"So much for 'grab whatever'," Michigan muttered. He put the packaging back and scanned over the rest. The entire aisle was full of this stuff, brightly coloured and in different packaging and brands. He was feeling overwhelmed and this wasn't even for him!

"Uh... wait, is it tampons or pads you-"

"Pads. You bring back a tampon and I'm stuffing it up your ass."

See. This would've been the Ibuprofen Incident all over again if Michigan hadn't called.

"Y'know, I thought you would've stopped having periods by now," Michigan chatted idly as he picked through the vast amount of selection. "Ain't those hormones of yours supposed to stop all that or whatever?"

"Usually. I'm going to arrange a hysterectomy by next year, so it'll be a non-issue."

Michigan was privately surprised Walter hadn't already had one, considering how he disliked half-assing anything. But, then again, it wasn't as if the working class had easy access to medical care beyond the very basics. Walter was still paying off the top surgery Furlong had arranged for him as part of his recruitment, and they'd definitely overcharged for that.

"You gonna get another loan with Furlong?"

"Yeah. Like you said, I thought I'd naturally stop by now, but this body's a persistant piece of work. I may as well take more permanent steps."

Spoken so clinically and with an edge of irritable dismissiveness, like his body was an obstacle to bully into compliance, rather than it being, y'know, his body. But Walter was a weirdo and not even four years knowing him had Michigan any closer to understanding how he ticked.

"And let me guess... I'm gonna have to be nursemaid while you recover from all that," Michigan drawled. "Have me wait on you hand and foot?"

"No. I'll be fine. There won't be any need for you to-"

"Like hell. I'm not an idiot. Having a whole entire organ taken out of ya isn't something you can just pop painkillers for and carry on as usual."

"It is with strong enough painkillers."

Ibuprofen Incident. "Haha, fuck you. I'll break your damn legs if that's what it'll take to make you rest, you piece of- uh. Ahem."

He cut himself off, seeing a lady in the aisle giving him a rather judgemental glare. He refocused on the pads in front of him, blindly grabbing the closest one. Dark blue with a moon on it, had wings, was for heavy flow. Good enough. If it was cheap and chafed, then fuck it, Walter can deal.

"Not paying attention to your surroundings again, huh, Michigan?"

"And you're still a jack bastard. You've got two perfectly functioning legs, yet here I am, braving the feminine health aisle so you're not leaving a fucking blood trail across the local supermarket like you're Carrie on a grocery run. You should be nice to me."

"I'm always nice to you."

"Not once have I heard a 'thank you, Michigan' for the great sacrifice I'm currently enduring."

"I'm hanging up now."

"Yeah, you do that, ungrateful ass."

"Spoiled brat. Buy me chocolate too."

"You-" Beepbeep. "-hung up. Asshole."

Michigan wasn't bothered though. In fact, he was smiling as he stowed his phone and obligingly veered towards the confectionary aisle. Walter may be a fucking mystery at times, but he wasn't boring and he certainly wasn't afraid of pushing Michigan's buttons. Made him interesting, even if he was downright frustrating at times.

"Masochist, definitely some kind of masochist," Michigan lamented. "Ah well."

After all, if he wanted an easy ride he would be an executive at Furlong, obediently acting the part of his father's snot-nosed protege. Yet here he was, shopping for his asshole of a- whatever Walter was to him. Boyfriend was too juvenile... lover? Too bodice rippery. Partner? Ugh, too corporate.

He pondered this all the way to the till, where the cashier, a young, sporty looking woman, smiled at his purchases and said: "Oh, shopping for your wife, sir?"

Michigan, half-listening and not fully processing the question, said: "Male-wife, actually."

"Oh, uh, I see..."

It was only when Michigan was leaving the supermarket with purchases in hand that he fully processed what he had just said and burst into laughter, startling a few nearby shoppers.

Malewife.

Oh yeah.

Definitely calling Walter that to his face.

[indigo-a-creeping]

Day 9

Solo recovery is going well. Thankfully I'm a quick healer. This is nowhere near as bad as hysterectomy recovery was.

Getting lots of little tingly sensations as my nerves reconnect. It's not a bad feeling, kind of like lots of little springs, or like droplets of water rolling down my chest. But one thing that helps if it's bothering me is lightly tapping/drumming my fingertips across my incision (through the binder).

I pushed myself harder than I needed to for most of my first week, because I wanted to see things around San Francisco. Now that I'm home, I'm settling into more of what I probably should be doing - a walk with my dog in the morning (~20 minutes), some gentle physical therapy stretches (for both feet and chest), and a shorter walk in the afternoon/evening, plus walking around the house/yard. Having a small, well-behaved dog is super helpful, too. I can direct him with my voice and he doesn't pull at the leash much (and if he does, he's only 15 lbs and I can negotiate with him).

I definitely lifted more than was recommended in the first week, and I'm doing less of that now too. I haven't seen or felt any effects from that, but it's possible that my scars will stretch. I'm not terribly concerned about that, though. I left a lot of stuff behind when I left, but ended up with it in a backpack for the airport/plane rather than a hand-held bag. I think that was a good choice, with the options I had.

I've had good range of motion since day 1, and the t-rex arms I heard so much about are not quite the case. It's more that I can't lift my elbows above my shoulders, which isn't a huge deal. One thing I have trouble with is reaching across my chest, but that will improve as I heal.

I drove a little last night, which was successful though I need to be sure to use smaller motions on the steering wheel.

I wasn't really taught how to put on my binder or take care of my incisions (and didn't ask because I'm bad at that), but I've figured it out. I was given some gauze and vaseline gauze that I've been using, and some Aquaphor I need to use more. I have a continuous incision that goes pretty far back behind each armpit and joins in the middle, so it takes a lot of gauze and some work in front of the mirror. I took my first real shower last night, carefully making sure the water didn't hit the incision directly, and it was successful!

One thing I've seen recommended a lot is working on chest muscles before top surgery, and that does help the surgeon get the contours right... I didn't do much of that, and my incision looks great at this point. What I didn't see was working on lower body muscles, which I'm better at. Doesn't do a thing for the surgical site, but it helps a lot when you need to do things for yourself. I never had much trouble getting out of bed, and I can pick up things off the floor without any issues. Do some squats before surgery, it helps!

I'm still getting a lot of swelling here and there, mostly arms and legs. I cut back my sodium intake, but not as low as it could be. If I feel a limb getting too swollen I stretch it around to make sure I maintain circulation. Generally they swell and reduce in a matter of minutes (and swell again).

People often have trouble pooping after anesthesia, and when taking narcotic pain meds. I didn't this time, which I attribute to oatmeal, kombucha, large quantities of hot tea, and moving around. Wiping was tricky at first, but I managed and it's gotten easier.

For the most part I'm trying to just listen to my body. I feel good! A little tired overall, but I'm still adjusting to time zones too. I'm still taking tylenol, but no other meds. I had a little pain when I woke up, but tylenol took care of that. Lots of fluids, protein, and fiber are essential.

[turnipstewdios]

Trans healthcare is Bullsh*t

Long vent post, cause I'm mad and need to release the feelings back into their natural habitat. Had less than two weeks to go before the hysterectomy I've been trying to get for almost five years, and insurance has denied my appeal. Again. Very clearly for the last time. The rejection letter deemed the surgery "Not medically necessary" and with the context of past interactions I don't think I could have heard the "Fuck off looser" more clearly if someone had told me in person. My first appointment for this surgery was in June, and I had already been waiting for years at that point. I thought had been very careful to get everything set up, and get all my letters of referral and paperwork strait before hand. Except my insurance specifically apparently had a whole extra qualification for this surgery, that does not apply to anyone else in my state, and that no one told me about because the provider I've been going through for my care has never had anyone bring up that requirement before. That being that I needed to have been seeing a therapist specifically for my gender dysphoria for at least 12 months before hand. So. Had to cancel my appointment for that. The new surgery date I got moved things for enough out that my two letters of referral for reproductive surgery, which have to be less than a year old, expired. For the third time. But that gave me a chance to try and fudge the therapist thing. I went back to the same therapists who gave me the letters last year, exactly one year after my last appointment, and they signed off that I'd been seeing them for 12 months. So we turned that in and filed an appeal. That's where it started getting really, really obvious that my insurance was bullshitting us. I currently make just barely too much money to qualify for my state's government insurance plan. (which sucks because Oregon state insurance actually covers transgender care.) But I don't have enough money to pay for my own insurance. I've been on a family plan from my parents. In fact I specifically moved back in with my parents so I would be covered by it. But I age out on my next birthday, which is January 10th. So it's become increasingly obvious over the last few months that insurance was just stalling for time until they didn't have to deal with me anymore. After I turned in the appeal with evidence that I'd been seeing a mental health provider for 12 months, along with my new letters of referral, I didn't hear back from them. Got to within a week of surgery. Contacted surgery scheduling, and they said I hadn't been approved. Contacted my rep. Apparently, they had never received any appeal letters. That was bull crap, btw, because when we re-scheduled things again, and me, my provider, and my rep all made absolutely sure to send things through the proper channels, the exact same thing happened a second time. And at that point it was late October, and the next appointment was Dec 4th. So we re-appealed. Again. My rep sent stuff up the chain directly, and made sure it got to the people who needed to see it. I was assured that I would have an answer within the week. Three weeks ago. Yesterday, I called my rep to check on things, and she read out my final rejection letter. So. Even if I had time to reschedule again before I age out in a month and a half, it's clearly just not happening on this plan. I'd already started looking for other insurance, but even if I find one I can afford that covers trans care, it will take long enough I'll have to renew all my letters again. The thing that really makes me mad about this is the wording of the rejection. "Not medically necessary." Because I've already had top surgery.

My insurance paid for the large, expensive, invasive, purely cosmetic breast surgery with high risk of complications without throwing a single wrench in things. But a minimally invasive reproductive surgery? When I have a history of painful cramping, irregular periods every 10 to 20 days, and bleeding so heavy and so often I suffer from mild blood loss if my weight dips below 175? When I am literally choosing not to loose weight so I don't constantly pass out, and have been doing so since my mid teens? When I have a family history of cervical or uterine cancer? Oh noooo. We cant have that. It's not medically necessary.

[jimvasta]

You shall pass!

Okay, I'm not Gandulf, but seriously, my trans babies, your day will come (if passing is your aim).

Two and half years on T and one year post top surgery now, and in past month I have had the following happen to me:

Asked if the birth mother of my child was in his life (by his new school teacher after meeting me and my husband) - Yes, I'm a seahorse.

Assumed to be a trans ally at an LGBT+ event.

Confused the hell out of a new GP at my surgery by saying I need a hysterectomy. (I saw the light bulb going on in her mind in real time as she read my notes)

Accidentally impersonated my husband on the phone after someone asked for Mr X, and of course that's me. I only realised after personal documents were sent to his email and not mine.

At the beginning, I thought I would always be mistaken for a butch lesbian - that was life and since I'm bi it wasn't all bad, but it's not good for the dysphoria.

Then my voice made me sound like a teenage boy, then I got fluffy stubble.

Now I have a deeper voice than my cis husband, and the big tough firefighters I work with these days all think I am cis (no, they aren't anywhere near as cute as the calendars make out, but a lot of them seem to think they are).

Anyway, my point is, just because you dont pass now doesn't mean you never will. It feels like a painfully slow process until one day you wake up and people just treat you like your gender.

Try to enjoy the Uncanny Valley stage if you can. Messing with people and fueling their confusion is petty, but it can brighten your day as you watch them realise they is a singular pronoun when they don't know if you are a he or a she and they are too afraid to ask.

Conclusion: I have seen too many handsome trans men and stunning trans women to believe the 'we can always tell' crew, and my daily experience is that an average person really can't tell after a couple of years of medical transition.

The day you look in the mirror and see the real you staring back is getting closer.

[clippy]

alluded to this on my side blog + Twitter but I'm gonna flat out say it here: I am currently having my first period in 6.5 years. T stopped them for me and I am HOPING this is because my gel dose is not a full dose atm (I haven't been able to get back into planned parenthood to get labs done to get the dose upped... It's really expensive out of pocket, but I'm hoping if I beg for a payment plan I can get one...)

Thankfully the flow is really really light at the moment + I was able to get a few pads from my work (they stock them in employee restrooms, so I can get some from the single stall ones) and my roommate had some she could spare but what sucks is I am getting all my PMS symptoms and generally Bad Feelings Of Menstruation all at once. I felt okay when I was at work but it has progressively gotten worse. I have felt weak and shakey and I unfortunately only have one day off for my current weekend and I am out of sick time so I have no clue what I'm gonna do tomorrow if I still feel this bad

Going to attempt to make phone calls tomorrow for getting HRT stuff sorted out (since I can't double my gel dose until blood work is done showing my levels are low (but not pre-T levels meaning I would need to go back to injections)) but it's so draining because I'm always on 30+ min holds when I call planned parenthood

But. Yeah. I am not doing well. I am in pain and depressed (because that is just something that always got worse when I was on my periods and this is no exception). My dysphoria is in high gear, which sucks because it's been almost non-existent since I had top surgery... The only plus side is this has finally pushed me to reach out to insurance about a hysterectomy so I'm hoping I can get that done ASAP once the new year rolls over for insurance purposes

I feel bad complaining about it since I haven't had one in so fucking long and there are tons of people who have worse ones than me but like. It's bad. It's so so bad.

Also while I was pre-T I would never fully disclose "oh I feel shitty today because I'm on my period" to male coworkers but I could confide with the women I worked with but now that I am stealth and (seemingly) the only transmasc person in my crew at work I just have to suffer in silence or just say it's a stomach ache which does not get the same understanding as period pain does from people who experience it

[beeen-sprouts]

So I'm having this weird moment in my life that goes as follows:

In May I found out I had a large mass on my ovary, it was unclear what it was and so I needed to have a fairly invasive surgery to remove it. The OB Oncology Dr that I worked with offered to also take my uterus out, after discussing my life plans and gender etc. I opted to have it out while I was already having the surgery, yknow two birds with one stone.

This was not a gender affirming surgery for me, though. This was taking advantage of a bad thing that needed to be removed quickly, and the kindness of a really chill doctor who cared about my autonomy.

After the surgery, people started congratulating me for getting my uterus removed... and I guess I understand the sentiment but it felt really... weird. I was facing possible cancer when I went into that surgery, and while I wasn't going around talking about that part, I didn't really care about the uterus removal. It was just an extra thing happening.

Anyway, all this to say, congratulating people on surgery feels weird. I understand that top surgery is an exception, but idk. I never spoke to anyone about wanting a hysterectomy, or said that I was excited about this surgery, so it feels so strange that people saw "I got my uterus removed along with a giant mass" as a "congrats" moment?

[pubby-paws]

The thing about my experience with going on hormones is that I never intended to. I thought I'd hate it. I thought I'd feel even worse about my body, more than I already felt. But it was presented to me as a question when I asked for a hysterectomy for my dysphoria, and I eventually decided to just give it a try. Start on gel, start slow, and if I did hate it I could stop before any real "damage" was done.

It's been almost 3 years. I don't hate my body anymore. I feel more comfortable than I ever have. The things I thought I would hate about hormones turned out to be my favorite parts. I don't pass as a cis guy because I don't want top surgery(I legitimately don't for real, I actively like my tits) and I have a large chest, and my voice never dropped. I *never* get he/him'd or they/them'd by people I haven't told, despite the fact that I have *a fucking beard*

And yet I am so happy I did this. I can't imagine going back. I didn't know it was possible to feel this way about my body; I was so certain that HRT would turn me from an ugly fat girl(bad) into an ugly fat boy(worse), and that would make me hate myself even more. But it didn't, and my body feels like mine now. I feel right when I look down and see a fuzzy chest and belly. I enjoy being touched now, because now it feels good. I like the way my face looks with a beard.

I don't care if I'm an ugly fat girl or boy or whatever people see me as anymore. The thing that I care about is how I can smile at myself in the mirror now and mean it. I care that *I* like how I look.

Don't die wondering. You can stop if you don't like it. But if you're on the fence, or scared, just try it. You might discover that it's possible to love yourself in ways you never imagined. Or, at least, you might discover that it's possible not to hate yourself.

[starblaster]

informed "consent" does not really exist for some things in the medical system, and the people who hold power in these institutions (such as doctors, nurses, specialists) need to be doing more to avoid abusing the power they possess, even unintentionally.

and not to subject everyone to a long-winded personal anecdote to get my point across but this is my blog and if you don't like me talking about my experiences then idk why you're following me anyway since that's literally all i blog about.

recently, i went to a doctor to get my uterus checked out because i experience periods so rarely and, when i do menstruate, they're completely debilitating. i had to have a transvaginal ultrasound and a biopsy, and was told it was within the realm of possibility i could be developing endometrial cancer. now, thankfully, i am not nor am i necessarily at an elevated risk of developing endometrial or uterine cancer. but, for two weeks after the appointment, the uncertainty of my test results made me so upset, so stressed, and lose so much sleep because, after a life of psychiatric control both at home and in hospital environments, after having so many of my physical issues dismissed, being denied care or care forced upon me by bigoted providers, and generally having a shit run of things in a system that robbed me of bodily autonomy and agency of choice, for some reason, and i don't know why (maybe feeling like i was owed mercy after surviving so much for so long?), i felt like this was the one thing that shouldn't go wrong. after years of transitioning, i've reached a place where i'm happy with my top surgery results, i'm happy never having bottom surgery, i'm happy not needing to take testosterone anymore, i'm happy with all the permanent changes i've undergone. and i just thought 'this is all done, i summited the metaphorical peak of my transition, i am completely content with all my progress, and none of it will be interfered with or undone' but, of course, i did not account for my uterus potentially being a goddamn ticking timebomb.

like, let's say i really did have precancerous endometrial cells and i really did need to get my uterus removed. regardless of everything i was reading to reassure myself about things like the risks of premature menopause and the impact of a hysterectomy on future orgasms and sexual sensation, it would always be a decision about my body and medical care that i would have had to make to preserve my life, despite not wanting to make it in the first place. in the end, i would just have to have a hysterectomy and hope for the best. i'm relieved that, at least for the time being, this is not my reality. i get to keep my uterus. my hormonal treatment options are still not the most ideal… but at least i get to keep my uterus.

and i say all of this because it made me think about my traumatic history within the medical system, breaking my treatment options down into a matrix, using examples from my own medical history:

need/want (e.g. vaccines, top surgery)

need/don't want (e.g. biopsies, hormonal treatment for menorrhagia)

want/don't need (e.g. removal of small and benign pillar cyst)

don't want/don't need (e.g. psychiatric hospitalization, antipsychotic medications)

and when i thought of this, i was thinking about my intersex friends who have been subjected to "don't want/don't need" operations or 'treatments' in their lives, and fellow psychiatric survivors whose hospitalizations and prescribed 'treatments' also fall under the "don't want/don't need" category. and how doctors don't seem to really care about the wants/needs of patients.

medical providers have to do a better job of preventing the prescriptions of "don't want/don't need" options, especially in the cases of intersex, neurodivergent, and disabled patients who are almost always coerced into accepting them, if not forced by someone with conservatorship/control over them. medical providers also need to do a better job of helping patients experiencing emotional distress over having to choose something like a life-saving treatment option that they do not want other than simply referring them to a psychiatrist. speaking from experience, almost none of my doctors have ever actually given me the space to ask questions and receive answers. they just refer me elsewhere and refuse to help me. this has always been the case. i want medical providers to actually fucking talk to and communicate with their patients in scenarios like this, in which (potentially or literally) life-saving treatment is needed, but which the patient wishes they did not need. i feel like i am constantly being asked to tell my own medical care providers to do their fucking job and it is so goddamn tiring.

[bisexualamy]

Transition Update #61

Wow! Hi!! I'm back. I haven't done one of these in a few years, but largely that's been because the longer you transition, the less you're transitioning so much as just, living your life as your gender.

I've gained a bunch of new followers since I was regularly posting transition updates, so here are the basics to get everyone up to speed:

I've been on T since August 2016 (about 6 years) and I had top surgery in July 2017 (about 5 years ago). I also have a page on my blog that will route you to everything transition related I've posted, and I'm always happy to answer questions to the best of my ability.

Like with most of my other transition updates this is for my followers only. I'm going to make this post unrebloggable and put any personal info under cut, so please respect that.

Ok!! So what's the headline? I'm getting more surgeries. I have a hysto scheduled for next month. I've been doing this process since August but held off posting because I wanted to aggregate everything at the end. Hopefully this will help clear up some misconceptions about transmasculine surgeries and transition, since I definitely had a bunch before I started. I'm not a doctor. Please get medical advice from your doctors.

So! First big news is that I'm getting a hysterectomy. This is something I've wanted for a while that I put off getting for a few reasons. I was concerned about safety during peak COVID, I was concerned about the possibility of not having natural estrogen production, and, as always, I had that little bit of what if I'm not really trans? fear that most trans people have when they make a big decision. But this past summer, abortion rights were overturned in the United States, and my menstrual cycle came back for the first time in 5 years. These two things were very distressing for me; it was the worst dysphoria I've felt in years. That was ultimately the catalyst for me finally going ahead with my hysto.

I'm doing this as part of a larger process for potentially having bottom surgery. It's taken me a long time to admit that I want bottom surgery because of how much fearmongering and misinfo there is about transmasculine bottom surgery, but my care team has already done some great work dispelling certain myths for me. Ultimately, I may decide to only get the hysterectomy. It depends on a few outstanding variables I'm going to go over in my bottom surgery consultation, which is also next month. I'm not going to get into those details here; that's for another post once I make that choice.

Because I like these posts to be resources as well as journals, here's the timeline I've completed so far regarding my surgical process. I live in New York City and am having surgery locally, so please bear that in mind. I'm not going to name any doctors, surgeons, or surgery centers publicly, because of the increased danger around trans surgery centers and for my own privacy. If you live in the area or are considering pursuing gender affirming surgery in NYC, please message me privately and I can give you more details.

Timeline:

08/2022 - I met with a social worker to go over the entire surgical process, to ensure two things. First, that what I was expecting from surgery was in line with the actual surgical results, and second, that I had an adequate support team during surgery recovery. If I lacked that local support, the surgical center would've set me up in a post-surgery rehab center to make sure I got adequate post-op care.

09/2022 - I had two evals from the surgery center: one physical health, and one mental health. The physical eval was to make sure that my body was healthy enough to survive surgery. They took some blood and went over my medical history. Unfortunately, I don't have any additional insight about what limitations would be placed on fat or disabled patients. I'm not skinny, but I'm straight sized and my weight was never brought up as an issue during eval. The mental health eval was again, to make sure that what I wanted out of surgery was in line with the results. The psychiatrist assured me that this wasn't to "prove" my transness, but to get the info they needed so they could write me a mental health letter of support. This is because my health insurance needs that kind of documentation in order to cover the procedures. We're still waiting on insurance approvals, but they needed a letter from both a physical and mental health provider, for both the hysto and the bottom surgery (4 total).

11/2022 - I had my hysto consult. This is a different surgeon than the surgeon who will potentially be doing bottom surgery. We went over my wants from surgery, how much time I could take off work, what the general timeline would be for recovery, etc. I decided to do my surgery in 3 phases: hysto first, then two subsequent bottom surgeries. While the hysto and phase 1 could be combined, since I can take medical leave next month, it was ultimately the safer choice to spread them out. The surgeon also set me up with an appt with a fertility clinic, since I had questions about my potential fertility. I went to the clinic later in November.

12/2022 - Date scheduled for early January 2023.

Myths:

There were a few myths dispelled for me throughout this process that I want to share:

Myth #1: You have to remove your ovaries if you're getting a hysto with the intent to have bottom surgery. This is not true! If your ovaries are causing you dysphoria and you're younger than middle age, you do not necessarily need to remove them. My surgeon actually encouraged me to keep my ovaries, since their existence doesn't actively cause me dysphoria. Her suggestion was for two reasons:

If for some reason I lost access to my T, my ovaries could kick in as a natural source of hormone production, albeit the wrong hormone.

If I ever wanted to have bio kids in the future (via a surrogate), I could keep my ovaries as egg banks and harvest the eggs for later use.

I was under the impression that it was a significant cancer risk to leave your ovaries in post-hysto. This is apparently not true. If your family doesn't have a history of breast or ovarian cancer, the cancer risk won't likely present until middle age. You can also check your ovaries via external ultrasound even after you have bottom surgery. My surgeon suggested that, if I wasn't sure if I wanted to remove my ovaries, that I should leave them in and take them out in 10-20 years, when I was past the age where I could harvest eggs, and the only things my ovaries could do at that point were to turn cancerous. You can also do an oophorectomy (ovary removal) post bottom surgery! The surgeon is laparoscopic, meaning it's done via your belly button. It will not affect your bottom surgery results.

Ultimately, I decided to remove my uterus, cervix, and tubes, but keep my ovaries for now.

Myth 2: Testosterone increases your risk of ovarian cancer. This is also false! Like my surgeon said, if you have no family history of ovarian or breast cancer, this is (generally) not a concern until middle age. T places your eggs in "stasis" (see below) which makes it difficult for them to grow tumors.

Myth #3: Having a hysto means that you're dependent on your T for the rest of your life. If you keep your ovaries, you will have natural "backup" estrogen production. Even if you remove your ovaries (either during the hysto or later in life), and then lose access to your T, you won't die. This was something I was convinced of. Apparently, you'll basically just go through menopause, though some of the effects of T will revert.

Myth #4: Testosterone renders you infertile. This is not necessarily true. While testosterone does atrophy your ovaries, the doctors told me it's more accurate to say your ovaries are in "stasis" and could restart if you stopped taking T. This does not mean you could carry a baby to term. T is toxic to fetuses, and even if you are fertile and become pregnant, the fetus will not survive if you're taking your T.

When I went to the fertility clinic, they did an external ultrasound and took some blood, and determined that I am still fertile, and I could harvest my eggs if I wanted to use them down the line. I ultimately decided to keep my ovaries and wait on this, because the process will not be covered by insurance and is presently too expensive for me.

My meeting with the fertility clinic was very insightful, but ultimately every person is different. A few things I learned that may or may not be applicable for others:

while we don't really have data about how T affects long term egg viability, there is evidence of successful egg retrieval for guys that have been on T as long as 10 years

while it's easier to get viable eggs if you go off your T during the process (about two months) you don't necessarily have to (this varies person to person)

while it's easier to retrieve eggs pre-bottom surgery and/or if you still have your original opening, it is also possible to retrieve eggs abdominally if you no longer have that opening

if you've already had a hysto and you go off your T to do egg retrieval, you will not have a menstrual cycle because you no longer have a uterus

Ultimately, I'm really grateful to be supported throughout this process by amazing friends, family, and a smart, kind surgical team. I hope this post is informational! I'm happy to answer any additional questions.

Most importantly, I'm so excited to get this procedure!! My menstrual cycle was my #1 source of dysphoria, and even before I was trans I knew I was never going to be pregnant. That concept alone really upsets me. While it may seem odd to others that a hysto can be gender affirming, it's really, really is for me. I've felt so long like I'm carrying around these organs that I not only don't need, but feel like time bombs in my body. The idea that I could get pregnant despite my best efforts to avoid it made me incredibly anxious and dysphoric. Soon, that will never be a concern again, and I'm so, so excited about that.

[cryptidshadows]

Hi this is kind of invasive and you definitely don't gotta answer - I'm a trans guy ~2mo on T, and it's been great so far, already feel way better even with just my small changes. One thing I'm worried about is I've heard that once you're 10+ years on T, there are some unavoidable lower/reproductive system issues that can only be solved with surgery. Specifically painful cramping that requires a hysterectomy, and urinary urgency that requires bottom surgery with urethral lengthening. Was this your experience too? Can't really afford surgeries rn and if I can save for one, top surgery is way more urgent. I wouldn't mind getting hysto if I can afford it someday but I don't think I want bottom surgery; I do got bottom dysphoria but bottom growth is helping a ton. My doc did talk to me about atrophy and prescribing estrogen cream if I experience symptoms, but I heard that doesn't help with uterine issues at all, nor urinary urgency most of the time. I really don't wanna go off T ever if I can help it though lol, so I'm just wondering what other people's experiences were, if it was that big an issue, and how they dealt with it. Sorry for the wall of text and invasive question, thank you if you respond and hope you're having a good day either way

Hey glad things are going good for you dude! Since answers are medical and will involve certain medical terminology, I'll put that under the cut.

Honestly these are some tough questions to answer, because there hasn't been enough research conducted on trans men on T for 10+ years yet, at least not enough to be truly conclusive. I had an endocrinologist tell me that it was imperative that I get a total hysterectomy within 2 years because it was inevitable that I'd develop endometrial atrophy. Buck Angel (my opinions on him aside) often speaks of how he nearly died from atrophic complications. But I had another endocrinologist and ob/gyn tell me that there isn't really a lot of evidence that there's a particular timeline or even that it happens to everyone. When it does, it's typically gradual and very rarely severe enough to cause life-threatening problems. That doesn't mean it's to be taken lightly, but it also happens to some cis women who've had a total hysterectomy or are naturally producing less estrogen, especially later in life.

I had a hysterectomy just 3 weeks ago, after more than 10 years in HRT. The biopsy did reveal endometrial atrophy. I was not experiencing cramping or pain (actually, I had very severe pain and period issues before HRT, which went away entirely once I stared T) but sometimes penetration with toys caused some light bleeding. Estrogen cream can help with that, yes - but even post-hysterectomy, I'm producing natural lube down below so far. But with any medical intervention, there's risk involved.

For urinary urgency, yes lol, I do have to pee more often, but I also drink entirely too much coffee, so that may be a factor. I've never known any trans men who had surgery for urethral lengthening except as a part of bottom surgery (to reroute the urethra through their neophallus or bottom growth). Hysterectomies come with a risk of more urinary urgency and incontinence as well. There are pelvic floor exercises that are often recommended to prevent these problems, which I'll be doing once I'm a bit more healed up.

It's very good that you're prioritizing the surgery you most need, and not pursuing operations that you don't feel are vital for you. With costs, you may be able to get a hysterectomy covered by insurance, especially if you have any pre-existing issues like PCOS, endometriosis, or evidence of atrophy, so at least there may be financial options for you if you are one day in need of it - but there's no solid evidence that you will absolutely need to remove everything as a result of HRT, at least not that I know of yet.

[system-of-a-feather]

I'm sure I've said this before but just day 458 of me being really tired of how much gender dysphoria / trans help and advice / trans therapy / passing discussion centers around "what other people think" and the internalized idea of what a (insert gender) is and dismantling it or whatever cause like fair that fits a lot of people's issues and helps them but literally so little of my dysphoria comes from wanting to match some image of a man or a nonbinary or literally anything. I don't want to be like anything and quite frankly I don't care if other people don't see it - I just want to fucking be an honest version of myself and this fucking garbage body (I'm redirecting shit to aggression, don't correct me on this) just is a chronic fucking lie and I hate it. Like I'm just so tired of this shit and I'm on burn out break for most aspects of this other than my responsibility to never bend on our needs which is easy enough considering I'm still plagued with this shit and bending on it would just make shit worse

But I'm so fucking tired of working on this shit. It's been number one - maybe two at certain points in time - on my list of goals and priorities to work on and break down for three years and the bodys and brain have been at war about this for like 5 years and I'm tired and just so fucking tired.

I'm glad we are making great progress and I'll grit my teeth and keep biting my way to where we need to be and Riku will make their tortoise yet productive crawl carrying my ass on a wagon when I'm just sitting here biting at anything that gets in our way - but god its exhausting.

We got the hysterectomy and thats honestly great, but I think our brain said thats one source of dysphoria taken off the list, time to make room for *checks list* Other Dysphoria We Havent Had In 3 Years and Actaully Until Now Were Confidently Proud of Being OK With and now we have to consider top surgery which with the history of complications we had when considering it before means a lot more system talking and navigating if this is dysmorphia, OCD, or dysphoria before taking a direction and then all the fucking medical crap and work crap and relationship crap

And Riku and Ray have said and set them to divide the two out so I can get a break from the fucking headache all this has been, but 1) it doesn't keep me from looking and seeing how fucking exhausting everything ahead of me is because I can see it and 2) from still trying to plan and plot my way around all my issues because I do it withoout thinking due to how I - as a part was raised - and I can't really turn it off so I can't really properly take a break until I'm satisfied that I did my due diligence.

As a part I'm garbage at accepting help or letting anyone give me a break or anything and while I'm A LOT better with it in general with Riku and some parts of the system, often when I get like this I get a lot worse which is the catch 22 of hell cause the more I need support and need a break, the less likely I'll accept either so

Great moods and great feeling

Lowkey maybe I should drive to Florida and do shit I can't say cause it'd be a good distraction and relief and be possibly a little productive (JOKING)

But god am I tired.

Anyways I'm gonna go get shit to help Riku and Ray make progress on their ends cause I really can't sit by and not be actively involved in solving my issues, even if "I" am.

-XIV