#I'm never going to get top surgery or a hysterectomy

[advisorsage]

.

[king-sassy08]

I'm back at it again, unfortunately

[thebibliosphere]

Hey! I know that this isn't something you struggle with but since a lot of your other followers are disabled as well, it would mean a lot to me if you could publish this ask since I'd like to see if anyone else experiences anything similar to what I'm going through. I'm not asking for anyone to armchair diagnose me, I'd just appreciate not feeling so alone and scared and confused. My general physician is claiming that my anxiety is causing the issues I'll describe but I call bullshit on that:

About two years ago, cca 4 months after my top surgery, my body stopped being able to process oil. Whenever I'd eat anything that was made with oil of any kind, I'd get cramps in the abdomen after a while and I'd get diarrhea. Caffeine started to do this also but in a smaller intensity. I had a hysterectomy a bit after that and they checked my kidneys and liver so I know that those are both ok and not the cause. I also got checked for Celiac since it runs in the family. Because the issue wasn't getting worse and my then general physician was always dismissive, I let it be. When I wasn't having diarrhea, I was constipated, though I did have a bowel movement like once or twice a week. Fast forward to now. In August, it suddenly got a lot worse. At first, even a single drop of oil would make me feel ill. Then, the time period got longer - currently the cramps and the pain last for 48 hours afterwards. I also became unable to digest animal fats, the only meat I can eat is lean chicken and fish. Afterwards, gluten became an issue (Celiac is still negative), and then nuts as well.

My new GP, even though she believes it to be anxiety, gave me Itopride, and it worked for about 3 weeks - I had no cramps, pain, exhaustion, gas or bloating after eating, and I had a bowel movement once a day. But it stopped working two days ago, again without a reason, and the effects started being less effective about a week ago. Even when taking the meds, I have a movement only once in about 8 days, and laxatives make me gassy but nothing happens. I'm also not sure about this, but it seems that chicken is no longer safe either.

I think it's important that if I don't take Itopride, I never even feel the urge to go, so when I say that I've always been constipated, I mean that I don't even feel the need to have a movement. Lately, when I take Itopride, I do get the urge that I do always get when taking it, but it's like I can't go, so I always feel full.

I just feel super scared and I have no idea what's going on. I admit that I have a history of eating disorders (in recovery since May) and I did abuse laxatives about a year ago, but I don't think it was enough to cause such serious issues? I used to take them like once a week and for about 3-4 months.

I'd really appreciate knowing if anyone has ever experienced anything similar or knows about anything like this because I feel like my life is in shambles - can't go outside for long because I might need the toilet suddenly, or I'm in too much pain to walk, I'm afraid to eat, I often feel repulsive, I don't know what might happen in a month, I am becoming incapable of taking care of myself and my flat because I'm just so goddamn tired.

Ooft, I’m sorry. It sounds like you’ll need a colonoscopy to figure this one out, so if you haven’t had one yet, really push for a referral.

Fwiw, I do experience something like this, but it’s from mast cell inflammation in my GI tract. The doc prescribed me bentyl for when things flare up but I’m also on a fiber supplement (citrucel. It’s a lot gentler than other types) to try and keep that from happening. Also if you’re low on b vitamins, your stomach sometimes stops digesting food, so maybe also ask about getting your levels checked. Taking an additional b2 supplement means I can process fats and oils again which I couldn’t before.

I’m not saying this to be like “this is what you have” just throwing them out there as suggestions that might help you piece together what might be wrong.

I hope you get more helpful comments in the notes 💖

[verdantlights]

Modern AU Headcanons

For all 7 of my ocs!! :3

all of their ethnicities/nationalities are canon to the ALNST universe too, but theyre just more applicable in a modern au.

The artwork I did for each of them isnt fully colored like how i originally planned, simply because this took FUCKING FOREVER. (17 hours??? all 7 ocs just to this basic color with 17 hours and 25k strokes??? according to procreate???) and i was so ready to be done with it, ive been talking about this for like ages and i knew that if i didnt finish this before Blink Gone dropped,,,, itd never get finished.

i also have other stuff i need/want to work on in regards to my ocs SO. if the art looks half-assed, im calling it a design choice 🎀

Toki (Redone):

He'd be a dancer that runs a choreography channel on youtube and tiktok. A really popular/famous content creator.

He's Asian! (South Korean)

Fluent in English/Korean.

Would probably face a lot of controversy for making strange jokes about cannibalism, but he never stays down when cancelled. (hes so schlatt core)

He's not a horrible person in a modern au. He's relatively normal, if not for the fact that he is still an orphan and still clinically mentally ill. He's just not toxic. He still has his cunt and freak but... he just doesn't manipulate, mansplain, and manslaughter anymore.

He's only toxic and awful as hell in ALNST because of the dystopian circumstances. His toxicity is seasoning to the tragedy that is ALNST.

He is still an orphan and his first memories would be in the orphanage where he was pretty much alone. People thought he was strange.

I'd like to believe he was selectively mute for quite a long time, which was another reason why people called him strange.

Still has the habit of studying peoples behaviors and learning them entirely for his own benefit. He wouldn't use it against someone unless absolutely necessary in a modern au.

He gets adopted when he's 13 by a kind, older man. He homeschools Toki and puts him in sports and recreational activities of his choice.

Toki chooses gymnastics and dance, contorting and moving his body at his will gives him a sense of control that he always felt he was never privileged to.

He didn't start talking until he was 16. His first words were, "Thank you, dad."

As an adult, as I said above, Toki runs a choreo channel on tiktok and youtube that gets a lot of traction. He enjoys having fans because it makes him feel less alone.

He's still possessive over Inna, but it's only because Toki struggles with feeling a sense of belonging and a home to come back to, and Inna becomes that home for him.

He has a streetwear aesthetic!

Of course, Toki still has his obsessive and possessive personality, that will never go away. It ends up rearing his head towards Inna, but I'm pretty sure Inna likes it anyway, the 𝓯𝓻𝓮𝓪𝓴.

Didn't go to college because his socmed took off before he graduated, sustaining him really well financially.

Friends with Ichor! Travels to Korea with him sometimes, but usually prefers to stay in America since that's where he was taken to when he was adopted.

Innamorati belongs to @alien-til-i-stage <3

Clove:

He is Latino! (Dominican/Caribbean)

His right eye is a lazy eye and he wears glasses. They're silver round frames that he sometimes puts a neck chain on.

His hair is dyed the same, but the dark brown is really short and cut to be fluffy/messy while keeping his long sides/short bangs!

He has a dark academia aesthetic mixed with a little bit of cottagecore. He's a lot more comfortable in his skin in regards to his gender so he wears skirts and dresses sometimes.

Spends his time at the library a lot, enjoys library dates with Aster (and also coffee shop dates).

He is fluent in Spanish and English.

He only has his ear lobes pierced and keeps small silver studs in them at all times.

Still trans, of course! He gets top surgery and a hysterectomy in a modern au (projecting what I personally want lmao)

All of his siblings are alive, and are still all named after flowers!

His upbringing was really peaceful, if not for having a very alive and loud household with 6 kids, him included.

His parents and siblings are all incredibly accepting and they all helped pitch in to get his top surgery done for his birthday one year <3

He inherited his parents flower shop and runs it now! His parents own the parent company to the flower shop, so all 6 children own one of said shops around the state!

He majored in Biology in college.

A lot of the neglect and trauma he faced in ALNST/ANAKT was only specific to the universe. He would lead a relatively normal and peaceful life, otherwise :)

Aster belongs to @apriciticreveries <3

Horizon:

He is American!

Horizon is incredibly smart and is an astrophysicist! He took it in college and has been hyperfixated on space since he was a kid.

Is the most visibly/recognizably autistic OC out of all of my OCs. All of my OCs are neurodivergent in some way because of my own neurodivergency, but Horizon takes the cake because his modern au mother (based on Scorpius) is also autistic. She raised him to not be forced into a mask.

Scorpius is a single mom and loves space as well, teaching Horizon all about it when he was a kid. Over time she grew more distant and would only connect with her son when its about his interest in space, or in regards to what happens at NASA.

Horizon is aware of his mothers distance and neglect and wishes things could go back to when he was a kid and she wasn't so distant.

He is still a narcolept, but is medicated and in physical therapy to help combat it.

He works at NASA! He makes good money and has discovered a lot of new stars!

He's more vocal in a modern au! He'd still go nonverbal a lot, but he'd also open up more and be less distant.

He still yaps about stars and space as much as possible.

He does not have stars in his eyes. I kinda feel like that goes without saying, but he does have dark grey-blue eyes.

Fond of Seraph and likes to study it. Fully aware something is wrong with it and that it definitely does not belong in his world, but finds it intriguing all the same.

Does not have a set dress style, he mostly dresses for comfort. He does have a lot of NASA merchandise and space/galaxy themed clothing, though. (would 100% have that blue and pink galaxy wolf hoodie at one point)

Seraph:

Still not human, and I will not elaborate as to why!

Also still uses He/Hy/It (Hy/Hymn).

It's a lot creepier in a modern au, actually. This is because the dystopian setting of ALNST makes it a bit more... usual and acceptable for Seraph to be uncanny? However, in a modern au... that's not the case.

People do NOT vibe with it more often than not.

Hy is British.

He is still albino with void-like eyes.

It majors in psychology and went to the same college as Horizon. This is related to his special talent,,, but that isn't released yet. :)

Still horribly enamored with Horizon and follows him around and studies him.

Horizon doesn't mind hymn and honestly knows somethings not right with Seraph, but he doesn't really care and actually likes to study Seraph back. (and seraph couldnt be happier about it, tbh)

Not a lot changes about Seraph, in all honesty. Hy doesn't really belong in the ALNST universe, what makes you think hy'd belong in the modern universe?

The things that do change, like it's echoing voice and it's staticky/distorted laugh, are gone because it personally stopped using them.

It's style is... elegant goth with some... cyber goth? Kinda strange and hard to describe but he does understand the morals and values of goth culture and music and upholds those values.

Lowkey an anarchist but you didn't hear that from me.

He is Horizon's roommate.

Seraph likes to believe their mutual studying of each other is what a romantic relationship entails.

Horizon spoils Seraph a lot... he has to do something with the money he gets from NASA.

He still does not like animals or Ichor.

Ichor:

He is still a catboy. He's not even like... a kemonomimi. He's just a fucking catboy.

If not an actual catboy, he would be a therian and/or kemonomimi. (kemonomimi directly translates to animal ears i believe? kemonomimis are just people who enjoy wearing animal ears/tails.)

He is also Asian! (South Korean)

Has a lot of mixed aesthetics, but enjoys crossdressing (in a cute way) and ouji fashion/lolita.

Autistic with selective mutism and is nonverbal more often than not. He is fluent in both ASL and KSL as well as spoken English/Korean. This is canon to the ALNST universe, but he is fully mute in canon.

Would probably be a professional gymnast. I'm talking like Olympics... professional.

Takes the fame from being a professional gymnast and becomes a content creator to show off his impeccable fashion sense.

100% dating and smitten with Briar. I'm assuming Briar would be a doctor in a modern au (akane, you can correct me if I'm wrong), and if that's the case, then Ichor would make a bunch of "woe is me, I need a doctor" jokes to Briar.

He'd immediately go to Briar if he gets hurt during performances.

Would actually be friends with Toki!! Both as a content creator and as a gymnast. They would get along very well due to overlapping interests, even more so when Ichor learns that Toki was mute for a long time.

Sometimes takes up gigs/jobs as a Sign Translator for both KSL and ASL.

Recognized as a Fashion Idol in Korea.

Frequently travels back and forth between South Korea and America due to this. ^ (his boyfriend misses him...)

Also did not go to college! He went straight into professional gymnastics and makes a living off of it! If he could go back to school, though, he would want to study the arts!

All of his hair is naturally white! He was based off of a white Turkish Angora cat, and since his hair was dyed against his will in ALNST, that wouldn't be the case in the MAU. He's only pink in his art because that's his color <3

Briar belongs to @aakaneeee <3

Lys:

She is Creole and born and raised in Louisiana!

Fluent in both Cajun French and normal French. She was a French immersion kid! (as in she learned french as she learned english in school growing up)

An amazing cook and loves to cook for her family and friends.

Has a brother and a sister, but she is the oldest. She loves her family and is very protective over them, same with her friends.

A big party-goer and social butterfly, she is the life and light of the party. She stays humble about it, but she can't deny how nice it makes her feel that people like her so much.

Dominates karaoke like it's no ones business. She loves singing and was in the church choir growing up.

She grew up Catholic, but is currently Agnostic.

Still a lesbian, and is very open about it. She is a strong advocate for LGBTQ+ rights and goes to as many Pride Parades as possible during pride month.

LOVES HER GIRLFRIEND!!!!!!!!!!! EVEREST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Her favorite way to wear her hair is super long box braids with bright colored weave, usually orange or red, but she's done the whole rainbow before!

Majors in cosmetology!

Wants to be a fashion designer, and is also building a socmed presence!! Her childhood dream was to work at Hollywood as a SFX/Makeup artist! (She still kinda does, but is okay with working for any movie company, honestly)

Has a streetwear and Y2K aesthetic! She likes to explore a bunch of other fashion cultures, but normally ends up falling back to those two as a base/familiar ground.

Is really good friends with Clove! She knows him through Everest, who had befriended him in overlapping college courses. Clove approached Everest and became friends with him before she introduced Clove to Lys. They all like to hang out together :]

Everest:

She is Australiannnnn!!!!

Still albino!

She does have the sensitive skin and eyesight in the modern world, though. She is not genetically modified, therefore she has really powerful glasses and is covered a lot.

Wears a lot of loose flowy clothing and big sunhats to protect himself from the sun.

Also still intersex!

Still feels 60% femme and 40% masc with very little in between. Doesn't mind being referred to as androgyne, but prefers either or, rather than in between.

She is sapphic and horribly in love with her girlfriend, Lys.

Is a lot less morally grey in a modern au and is a lot more like Luna Lovegood, one of her inspirations.

His morality in ALNST comes from the dystopian setting, being used as a toy for the segyein after winning, and being a pet in general. Since that doesn't happen in the modern day, he doesn't have that trauma to influence him.

She takes second place on most visibly autistic. (Ichor takes third)

Majored in Chemistry and wants to be a chemist.

Has overlapping classes with Clove and is friends with him!

Comes from a pretty wealthy family and was raised prim and proper. Her parents believed she'd be better off presenting as a boy, but once she realized her autonomy, she refused it entirely and told her parents that she will live how she wants and that her body is hers to dictate.

Her parents don't like that she switches back and forth between masc and femme, but she could not give less of a fuck and honestly does it a little bit out of spite.

He still loves his parents... kinda. He has the mentality of "they gave me life and raised me, I should be grateful andlove them all the same." He just wishes they weren't so bitchy over his body and what he does with it. They can't say anything either considering he plans on being a chemist, and they're both very fond of the idea that their child is smart and will bring in more money.

They're also lowkey homophobic and only give Lys a pass because they see Everest as a boy more often than not. They still don't quite like Lys because she is a full lesbian/sapphic and sees Ever as femme.

Enjoys travelling a lot!!

Has a socmed presence through Lys and appears as a duo with her a lot. People love them together and give them a lot of the stereo contrasting ship types (fire/ice, blue/red, black/white, etc)

It not famous on her own! I don't think she would actively seek out a socmed presence of her own and would be content with being featured on Lys' socmed. He was only famous in ALNST for winning s36, he did not ask for that.

thats about it!! sorry its so long, but... i love my children... so...

anyways, taglist!! no pressure to respond <3 @rockwgooglyeyes @bluemoonscape @tsukacchako @starry-skiez @junebluues @yunoftheclouds @waterydream @pwippy @ivanttakethis @nottoonedin

[butchpeace]

Hey, recently found your blog though the detrans tag. I'm looking for some advice, if you don't mind me asking.

I [mid-20's] was born female and transitioned (top surgery, hysterectomy & oophorectomy, 6+ years on HRT) and I feel...out of place.

I've never been able to mix with LGBT groups and I don't understand the culture (?) surrounding it. The word "queer" bothers me because I know what it means, I believe sexuality to be sex-based (because that makes sense—I can't comprehend how anyone can believe lesbians are able to be into dick), I don't think gender/sex is "fluid" or what have you, I find asking people for their pronouns to be insulting and invasive to everyone (+ using "they" as default)—save for, specifically, openly non-binary people—etc., etc. So, there's no community to be found within the LGBT community for me. It is what it is.

I've tried to find some sort of space to slot into within "TERF" corners of the internet, but the community (?) freaks me out somewhat. (i.e., using terms like "genderists" is weird as hell to me & puts me off as someone questioning detransition & still on HRT.) So, no community there. Again, it is what it is.

I've tried Transmedicalist groups, but again, my "TERF-esque" beliefs aren't welcome. They're not a fan of Buck Angel (neither am I, but I relate to & agree with his "female living as a man" perspective).

I suppose I'm just wondering how the hell you do it. How are you getting by? How do you find normal, likeminded people who get you?

I have a [not trans] girlfriend who has been incredibly supportive of me throughout my transition + with now referring to me with "she"/"woman"/etc and such [privately]. We share similar views on sexuality being sex-based, so things have worked out well between us.

I'm just feeling real alien whenever I compare my life & beliefs to all of these different groups of people. Feels like there's nowhere to go to.

Honestly, it’s tough! I’m new to all this too and I feel like we’re in this weird space right now where detransitioners are figuring all this out together. I’m also not someone who will have an easy time of socially detransitioning, so it’s gonna be a gradual process for me.

I benefitted a lot from detrans support groups in the beginning, and made some closer connections through there with people who I hope will be in my life long term, although they’re long distance. That’s what helped me really figure out where I stand on everything, and helped me sort through my mental health shit and the reasons for my transition in the first place, as well as processing the trauma of it all. Feel free to DM me if you’re interested in a support group, or I’m always down for new detrans friends if you want to talk!

I’m not out as detransitioning to everyone in my life yet, but the process of starting to come out has been interesting. It’s really hard to try to balance all these different groups and find people who get you while also being completely honest about your opinions and your history. I have trans friends who I want to keep in my life. Even if I no longer agree with transition, I still care about them. They respect my detransition even if they don’t get it. I have LGB friends who understand what detransition means but who also don’t really get it on a deeper level. I have straight friends who understand what detransition means, but don’t understand lesbian culture or the forces that caused my transition in the first place.

But I think the important thing is to just be really honest. That’s something I’m working on myself. I think people understand more than you might think they would, once you really open up to them. And don’t be afraid to speak your mind a little bit here and there, as it feels safe. I honestly believe that most people have reservations and disagreements with the mainstream beliefs of the trans community, and they’ll be happy to know that you’re a safe person for them to talk about that with. For example, most people don’t like the idea of kids transitioning, and don’t agree with the sexuality bullshit. Those can be easy ways to get into a conversation about it all.

Hopefully something there helped 🤷🏻‍♂️🌈

[liquidstar]

Okay I'm thinking about Dear Society again, and I think that the theme of Kanesho cursing society for having to adhere to its gendered standards doesn't go away after the post-transition timeskip. He still has to keep doing it- he still lives in a society (like the joker)

But like I think the best depiction of it was that he didn't want a hysterectomy. He wanted top surgery and to go on hormones, that was all for him. But legally in order to be viewed as a man and be able to marry the woman he loves he HAD to get one. He was at peace with it, because he saw it as worth it for the wedding, but... Any reader should know and understand at this point that he's a man, that he doesn't need to be forced into surgery to prove it, that this act doesn't define who he is. But that doesn't matter, because that's not what society thinks.

"Dear Society" as a title doesn't just function as the gimmick phrase to open chapters with, representing Kanesho's own frustrations with the world. The manga itself is a letter to society, its themes are ones that are imploring its readers to understand why these issues need to be changed.

Which is why I think the fact that his transition didn't fix everything is important, because the issue was never him. The trans stuff is really depicted in a way that's both representative and informative in a lot of aspects, and I have no idea if the mangaka has had some sort of experience in this regard or if they're just well researched, that's not really important though because that's not what the story is about.

The story is about asking you, the reader, to change the way you view gender roles and bianries. About what it means to be a man or woman. About asking society at large to change how it defines people. It's a small letter to society.

[autisticwriterblog]

Welcome to: gender thoughts and worrying with Riley

Putting this under a cut because it's all about gender dysphoria, my thoughts about potentially starting HRT, transphobia and misgendering, and also some pretty TMI details.

Okay, so I've been comfortable describing myself as a transmasc person, or a NB trans man. Something very man-adjacent. And I'm happy with he/they pronouns (although I wish my family would use he/him more often - but that sounds ungrateful because I'm so glad they all got used to they/them, even my grandparents). Basically, I'm comfortable in my gender. But I sometimes wonder if I want my body to be different.

Top surgery was, without exaggeration, one of the best things that ever happened to me. I'm so much happier in myself, I can actually look at myself shirtless now, and I love touching my scars and seeing my flat chest under my shirts. I love everything about it.

But it sometimes doesn't feel like enough. I worry that everyone still views me as a girl who just cut her tits off. I met my aunt's boyfriend and within five minutes, he was talking to my aunt and said, "I was just asking Riley what sort of video games she likes." And I was sitting there in my clothes from the men's department and my buzz cut hair and my pretty androgynous appearance (I've naturally got a deeper voice for someone AFAB, I'm not that short and I have big feet, and I have a bit of very dark facial hair on my upper lip that the women in my family all pluck or bleach because they're self conscious about it, but I like it) and as I said above, my flat fucking chest under my POTF T-shirt. And yet he she/her'd me and it infuriated me. I clearly can't pass well enough to fool even someone who never met me before I came out.

(Side note: I really don't like the guy. He's a conspiracy theorist weirdo and he misgendered my aunt's god-son (not actually their relationship but it's easier to explain this way) multiple times and it was so fucking awkward. He kept asking about this couple's 'daughter' and I said "X and Y don't have a daughter" and he still kept doing it. Fucking prick.)

Anyway, this whole thing got me thinking about T again. I've always said I don't want it because you can't pick and choose what it'll give you. And for example, whilst I'd love my voice to be deeper and facial hair sounds pretty rad, I'm really not sure about the going through puberty all over again thing and there's a chance I'd lose my hair and I don't want that, and I'm 50/50 on if bottom growth would be an improvement or not. So, yeah, I always ruled it out.

But... I want to pass. I want to be read androgynous or masc, not just a butch woman. And I really think some parts of T would help. And who knows? Maybe I would like bottom growth? Who fucking knows. I'm already dysphoric about my genitals, so even though I mentioned worrying about that above, I'm not sure bottom growth could make things worse for me down there. I'm also a bit concerned about libido increase, but it's actually already been up recently since I got my first crush and I'm learning to deal with it. Plus, I did experience some of that during puberty and I survived.

Oh, and the hysterectomy thing is very likely to fall through because my doctor is fatphobic, so I'm kinda fucked about my painful periods for ages. But for a lot of people, T weakens or even stops their periods. And I keep thinking about how if that happened to me, it'd possibly solve my period dysphoria problem without having to pay £8000 for private surgery (because the NHS would never do it), assuming that my doctor would even do it even though he said he didn't have a fucking weight limit when I fucking paid £200 for a consultation. But I'm getting off topic.

Plus, I'm an impulsive person who changes his mind really easily, so my anxiety is being bitch and making me think "what if I regret it?!" even though that almost never happens and it's a fucking TERF talking point in my country. I don't even know what I'm trying to say anymore.

But the biggest part is... I live with my parents and I need help with a lot of things bc autism (I can't drive or go anywhere on my own and I need help with phone calls and all sorts of shit that mean I'm never going to be independent), so if they had a problem with me taking T for whatever reason, I'd be fucked. They've always been supportive and say that they'll help me with whatever as long as it makes me happy... but what if me taking hormones would be a step too far for them? My dad still hasn't seen me shirtless and I worry it's because he still thinks I'm a girl. So he might freak out. Or maybe my mum would and that would hurt even more because she's the person I love most in the world and I wouldn't want her to hate me.

I just get scared of everything. And I want to be happy and I wonder sometimes if hormones would help. Or if even bringing up the topic with my family would make everything fall apart.

[kivaember]

slaps down some Young Jupiter Walt/Mich bc i feel terrible today and am tired. Michigan's getting Walter some pads.

-

"Okay, I'm in the aisle."

"I really don't get why you need me to walk you through this," Walter's grumpy voice grouched over the phone. "Just grab whatever."

Michigan scoffed. Sure, Walter said that, but no doubt he would bitch and moan if Michigan grabbed 'the wrong one' and then send him out again anyways. He wasn't having this be another Ibuprofen incident.

"Walter, you're the pickiest motherfucker on Ganymede," he drawled. "Besides, I've never bought this shit before. I dunno which is good."

As he spoke, he picked up a bright pink pack in soft packaging. On the front it said it had 'wings' as well as a bunch of other commercial nonsense which were no doubt a pack of lies. The only useful thing on it was the water droplet measurement in the corner. This one was for 'light flow'.

"Heavy, wings, preferably night time ones," Walter grunted. His tone was more curt than usual. "Oh, don't get the cheapest ones. They chafe."

"So much for 'grab whatever'," Michigan muttered. He put the packaging back and scanned over the rest. The entire aisle was full of this stuff, brightly coloured and in different packaging and brands. He was feeling overwhelmed and this wasn't even for him!

"Uh... wait, is it tampons or pads you-"

"Pads. You bring back a tampon and I'm stuffing it up your ass."

See. This would've been the Ibuprofen Incident all over again if Michigan hadn't called.

"Y'know, I thought you would've stopped having periods by now," Michigan chatted idly as he picked through the vast amount of selection. "Ain't those hormones of yours supposed to stop all that or whatever?"

"Usually. I'm going to arrange a hysterectomy by next year, so it'll be a non-issue."

Michigan was privately surprised Walter hadn't already had one, considering how he disliked half-assing anything. But, then again, it wasn't as if the working class had easy access to medical care beyond the very basics. Walter was still paying off the top surgery Furlong had arranged for him as part of his recruitment, and they'd definitely overcharged for that.

"You gonna get another loan with Furlong?"

"Yeah. Like you said, I thought I'd naturally stop by now, but this body's a persistant piece of work. I may as well take more permanent steps."

Spoken so clinically and with an edge of irritable dismissiveness, like his body was an obstacle to bully into compliance, rather than it being, y'know, his body. But Walter was a weirdo and not even four years knowing him had Michigan any closer to understanding how he ticked.

"And let me guess... I'm gonna have to be nursemaid while you recover from all that," Michigan drawled. "Have me wait on you hand and foot?"

"No. I'll be fine. There won't be any need for you to-"

"Like hell. I'm not an idiot. Having a whole entire organ taken out of ya isn't something you can just pop painkillers for and carry on as usual."

"It is with strong enough painkillers."

Ibuprofen Incident. "Haha, fuck you. I'll break your damn legs if that's what it'll take to make you rest, you piece of- uh. Ahem."

He cut himself off, seeing a lady in the aisle giving him a rather judgemental glare. He refocused on the pads in front of him, blindly grabbing the closest one. Dark blue with a moon on it, had wings, was for heavy flow. Good enough. If it was cheap and chafed, then fuck it, Walter can deal.

"Not paying attention to your surroundings again, huh, Michigan?"

"And you're still a jack bastard. You've got two perfectly functioning legs, yet here I am, braving the feminine health aisle so you're not leaving a fucking blood trail across the local supermarket like you're Carrie on a grocery run. You should be nice to me."

"I'm always nice to you."

"Not once have I heard a 'thank you, Michigan' for the great sacrifice I'm currently enduring."

"I'm hanging up now."

"Yeah, you do that, ungrateful ass."

"Spoiled brat. Buy me chocolate too."

"You-" Beepbeep. "-hung up. Asshole."

Michigan wasn't bothered though. In fact, he was smiling as he stowed his phone and obligingly veered towards the confectionary aisle. Walter may be a fucking mystery at times, but he wasn't boring and he certainly wasn't afraid of pushing Michigan's buttons. Made him interesting, even if he was downright frustrating at times.

"Masochist, definitely some kind of masochist," Michigan lamented. "Ah well."

After all, if he wanted an easy ride he would be an executive at Furlong, obediently acting the part of his father's snot-nosed protege. Yet here he was, shopping for his asshole of a- whatever Walter was to him. Boyfriend was too juvenile... lover? Too bodice rippery. Partner? Ugh, too corporate.

He pondered this all the way to the till, where the cashier, a young, sporty looking woman, smiled at his purchases and said: "Oh, shopping for your wife, sir?"

Michigan, half-listening and not fully processing the question, said: "Male-wife, actually."

"Oh, uh, I see..."

It was only when Michigan was leaving the supermarket with purchases in hand that he fully processed what he had just said and burst into laughter, startling a few nearby shoppers.

Malewife.

Oh yeah.

Definitely calling Walter that to his face.

[indigo-a-creeping]

Day 9

Solo recovery is going well. Thankfully I'm a quick healer. This is nowhere near as bad as hysterectomy recovery was.

Getting lots of little tingly sensations as my nerves reconnect. It's not a bad feeling, kind of like lots of little springs, or like droplets of water rolling down my chest. But one thing that helps if it's bothering me is lightly tapping/drumming my fingertips across my incision (through the binder).

I pushed myself harder than I needed to for most of my first week, because I wanted to see things around San Francisco. Now that I'm home, I'm settling into more of what I probably should be doing - a walk with my dog in the morning (~20 minutes), some gentle physical therapy stretches (for both feet and chest), and a shorter walk in the afternoon/evening, plus walking around the house/yard. Having a small, well-behaved dog is super helpful, too. I can direct him with my voice and he doesn't pull at the leash much (and if he does, he's only 15 lbs and I can negotiate with him).

I definitely lifted more than was recommended in the first week, and I'm doing less of that now too. I haven't seen or felt any effects from that, but it's possible that my scars will stretch. I'm not terribly concerned about that, though. I left a lot of stuff behind when I left, but ended up with it in a backpack for the airport/plane rather than a hand-held bag. I think that was a good choice, with the options I had.

I've had good range of motion since day 1, and the t-rex arms I heard so much about are not quite the case. It's more that I can't lift my elbows above my shoulders, which isn't a huge deal. One thing I have trouble with is reaching across my chest, but that will improve as I heal.

I drove a little last night, which was successful though I need to be sure to use smaller motions on the steering wheel.

I wasn't really taught how to put on my binder or take care of my incisions (and didn't ask because I'm bad at that), but I've figured it out. I was given some gauze and vaseline gauze that I've been using, and some Aquaphor I need to use more. I have a continuous incision that goes pretty far back behind each armpit and joins in the middle, so it takes a lot of gauze and some work in front of the mirror. I took my first real shower last night, carefully making sure the water didn't hit the incision directly, and it was successful!

One thing I've seen recommended a lot is working on chest muscles before top surgery, and that does help the surgeon get the contours right... I didn't do much of that, and my incision looks great at this point. What I didn't see was working on lower body muscles, which I'm better at. Doesn't do a thing for the surgical site, but it helps a lot when you need to do things for yourself. I never had much trouble getting out of bed, and I can pick up things off the floor without any issues. Do some squats before surgery, it helps!

I'm still getting a lot of swelling here and there, mostly arms and legs. I cut back my sodium intake, but not as low as it could be. If I feel a limb getting too swollen I stretch it around to make sure I maintain circulation. Generally they swell and reduce in a matter of minutes (and swell again).

People often have trouble pooping after anesthesia, and when taking narcotic pain meds. I didn't this time, which I attribute to oatmeal, kombucha, large quantities of hot tea, and moving around. Wiping was tricky at first, but I managed and it's gotten easier.

For the most part I'm trying to just listen to my body. I feel good! A little tired overall, but I'm still adjusting to time zones too. I'm still taking tylenol, but no other meds. I had a little pain when I woke up, but tylenol took care of that. Lots of fluids, protein, and fiber are essential.

[turnipstewdios]

Trans healthcare is Bullsh*t

Long vent post, cause I'm mad and need to release the feelings back into their natural habitat. Had less than two weeks to go before the hysterectomy I've been trying to get for almost five years, and insurance has denied my appeal. Again. Very clearly for the last time. The rejection letter deemed the surgery "Not medically necessary" and with the context of past interactions I don't think I could have heard the "Fuck off looser" more clearly if someone had told me in person. My first appointment for this surgery was in June, and I had already been waiting for years at that point. I thought had been very careful to get everything set up, and get all my letters of referral and paperwork strait before hand. Except my insurance specifically apparently had a whole extra qualification for this surgery, that does not apply to anyone else in my state, and that no one told me about because the provider I've been going through for my care has never had anyone bring up that requirement before. That being that I needed to have been seeing a therapist specifically for my gender dysphoria for at least 12 months before hand. So. Had to cancel my appointment for that. The new surgery date I got moved things for enough out that my two letters of referral for reproductive surgery, which have to be less than a year old, expired. For the third time. But that gave me a chance to try and fudge the therapist thing. I went back to the same therapists who gave me the letters last year, exactly one year after my last appointment, and they signed off that I'd been seeing them for 12 months. So we turned that in and filed an appeal. That's where it started getting really, really obvious that my insurance was bullshitting us. I currently make just barely too much money to qualify for my state's government insurance plan. (which sucks because Oregon state insurance actually covers transgender care.) But I don't have enough money to pay for my own insurance. I've been on a family plan from my parents. In fact I specifically moved back in with my parents so I would be covered by it. But I age out on my next birthday, which is January 10th. So it's become increasingly obvious over the last few months that insurance was just stalling for time until they didn't have to deal with me anymore. After I turned in the appeal with evidence that I'd been seeing a mental health provider for 12 months, along with my new letters of referral, I didn't hear back from them. Got to within a week of surgery. Contacted surgery scheduling, and they said I hadn't been approved. Contacted my rep. Apparently, they had never received any appeal letters. That was bull crap, btw, because when we re-scheduled things again, and me, my provider, and my rep all made absolutely sure to send things through the proper channels, the exact same thing happened a second time. And at that point it was late October, and the next appointment was Dec 4th. So we re-appealed. Again. My rep sent stuff up the chain directly, and made sure it got to the people who needed to see it. I was assured that I would have an answer within the week. Three weeks ago. Yesterday, I called my rep to check on things, and she read out my final rejection letter. So. Even if I had time to reschedule again before I age out in a month and a half, it's clearly just not happening on this plan. I'd already started looking for other insurance, but even if I find one I can afford that covers trans care, it will take long enough I'll have to renew all my letters again. The thing that really makes me mad about this is the wording of the rejection. "Not medically necessary." Because I've already had top surgery.

My insurance paid for the large, expensive, invasive, purely cosmetic breast surgery with high risk of complications without throwing a single wrench in things. But a minimally invasive reproductive surgery? When I have a history of painful cramping, irregular periods every 10 to 20 days, and bleeding so heavy and so often I suffer from mild blood loss if my weight dips below 175? When I am literally choosing not to loose weight so I don't constantly pass out, and have been doing so since my mid teens? When I have a family history of cervical or uterine cancer? Oh noooo. We cant have that. It's not medically necessary.

[jimvasta]

You shall pass!

Okay, I'm not Gandulf, but seriously, my trans babies, your day will come (if passing is your aim).

Two and half years on T and one year post top surgery now, and in past month I have had the following happen to me:

Asked if the birth mother of my child was in his life (by his new school teacher after meeting me and my husband) - Yes, I'm a seahorse.

Assumed to be a trans ally at an LGBT+ event.

Confused the hell out of a new GP at my surgery by saying I need a hysterectomy. (I saw the light bulb going on in her mind in real time as she read my notes)

Accidentally impersonated my husband on the phone after someone asked for Mr X, and of course that's me. I only realised after personal documents were sent to his email and not mine.

At the beginning, I thought I would always be mistaken for a butch lesbian - that was life and since I'm bi it wasn't all bad, but it's not good for the dysphoria.

Then my voice made me sound like a teenage boy, then I got fluffy stubble.

Now I have a deeper voice than my cis husband, and the big tough firefighters I work with these days all think I am cis (no, they aren't anywhere near as cute as the calendars make out, but a lot of them seem to think they are).

Anyway, my point is, just because you dont pass now doesn't mean you never will. It feels like a painfully slow process until one day you wake up and people just treat you like your gender.

Try to enjoy the Uncanny Valley stage if you can. Messing with people and fueling their confusion is petty, but it can brighten your day as you watch them realise they is a singular pronoun when they don't know if you are a he or a she and they are too afraid to ask.

Conclusion: I have seen too many handsome trans men and stunning trans women to believe the 'we can always tell' crew, and my daily experience is that an average person really can't tell after a couple of years of medical transition.

The day you look in the mirror and see the real you staring back is getting closer.

[religion-is-a-mental-illness]

I'm really stoked for the 15 year old "boys" because they get to go into their adulthood already locking down a big part of who they are.

My legal name is Milo. My legal sex is male. I had that changed when I was 15 or 16 years old. Legally it changed, I even had my birth certificate amended, social security, everything, everything's changed to Milo and male.

So, as of right now, you can just call me Milo.

I was in a MTV documentary about trans youth back in 2016 called "Transformation." I can't watch that now because... um... I just can't.

That was me before any medical stuff happened to me.

There's just this amazing feeling of relief that I get from thinking that I never have to do anything feminine again for like, the rest of my life.

This is something that I hoped I would never say, but I... I think I regret medically transitioning to male.

I just feel so much more free and so much more open, and I feel like I can just do like, so much more now that I'm showing everyone else that this is who I am.

I've been on testosterone and doing testosterone injections for about 7 and a half years. I started when I was 14 in 2015.

I feel like, kind of invincible, like I can do anything really.

I also got top surgery, which is double mastectomy with, kind of like male appearance chest reconstruction, when I was 16.

I then got a hysterectomy last year when I was 21. But maybe like 8 months after my hysterectomy, I had to go into emergency surgery because my right ovary twisted inside and kind of died. Now I only have one ovary, and the ovary that I still have, I don't know if it's healthy, and there's no way to really tell, I don't think. I just kind of have to hope that it's in there and it's working.

They get an opportunity to be celebrated. How often are they being praised for being just themselves?

Doctors and stuff who specialize in gender stuff told me that everything I was feeling was like, signs of gender dysphoria, and if I wanted to [alleviate] this gender dysphoria, the options were hormone therapy and surgeries and stuff.

And, my memory is really foggy. Like, in retrospect, I feel like everything kind of happened really fast.

==

Note that no counselling was offered. Hormones, surgeries, that's it. Which is a tacit transition-or-suicide.

There's something really sinister about the blatant love-bombing visible in the MTV footage, and the lack of taking any of this seriously. There's a girl so relieved she doesn't have to be feminine that she's on a pathway to iatrogenic harm. Except, she doesn't have to be feminine.

Detransitioners consistently say that it's far easier to get pulled into it, with the celebrating and the praising, than to defy the group and try to pull yourself out. Like any cult.

[clippy]

alluded to this on my side blog + Twitter but I'm gonna flat out say it here: I am currently having my first period in 6.5 years. T stopped them for me and I am HOPING this is because my gel dose is not a full dose atm (I haven't been able to get back into planned parenthood to get labs done to get the dose upped... It's really expensive out of pocket, but I'm hoping if I beg for a payment plan I can get one...)

Thankfully the flow is really really light at the moment + I was able to get a few pads from my work (they stock them in employee restrooms, so I can get some from the single stall ones) and my roommate had some she could spare but what sucks is I am getting all my PMS symptoms and generally Bad Feelings Of Menstruation all at once. I felt okay when I was at work but it has progressively gotten worse. I have felt weak and shakey and I unfortunately only have one day off for my current weekend and I am out of sick time so I have no clue what I'm gonna do tomorrow if I still feel this bad

Going to attempt to make phone calls tomorrow for getting HRT stuff sorted out (since I can't double my gel dose until blood work is done showing my levels are low (but not pre-T levels meaning I would need to go back to injections)) but it's so draining because I'm always on 30+ min holds when I call planned parenthood

But. Yeah. I am not doing well. I am in pain and depressed (because that is just something that always got worse when I was on my periods and this is no exception). My dysphoria is in high gear, which sucks because it's been almost non-existent since I had top surgery... The only plus side is this has finally pushed me to reach out to insurance about a hysterectomy so I'm hoping I can get that done ASAP once the new year rolls over for insurance purposes

I feel bad complaining about it since I haven't had one in so fucking long and there are tons of people who have worse ones than me but like. It's bad. It's so so bad.

Also while I was pre-T I would never fully disclose "oh I feel shitty today because I'm on my period" to male coworkers but I could confide with the women I worked with but now that I am stealth and (seemingly) the only transmasc person in my crew at work I just have to suffer in silence or just say it's a stomach ache which does not get the same understanding as period pain does from people who experience it

[beeen-sprouts]

So I'm having this weird moment in my life that goes as follows:

In May I found out I had a large mass on my ovary, it was unclear what it was and so I needed to have a fairly invasive surgery to remove it. The OB Oncology Dr that I worked with offered to also take my uterus out, after discussing my life plans and gender etc. I opted to have it out while I was already having the surgery, yknow two birds with one stone.

This was not a gender affirming surgery for me, though. This was taking advantage of a bad thing that needed to be removed quickly, and the kindness of a really chill doctor who cared about my autonomy.

After the surgery, people started congratulating me for getting my uterus removed... and I guess I understand the sentiment but it felt really... weird. I was facing possible cancer when I went into that surgery, and while I wasn't going around talking about that part, I didn't really care about the uterus removal. It was just an extra thing happening.

Anyway, all this to say, congratulating people on surgery feels weird. I understand that top surgery is an exception, but idk. I never spoke to anyone about wanting a hysterectomy, or said that I was excited about this surgery, so it feels so strange that people saw "I got my uterus removed along with a giant mass" as a "congrats" moment?

[pubby-paws]

The thing about my experience with going on hormones is that I never intended to. I thought I'd hate it. I thought I'd feel even worse about my body, more than I already felt. But it was presented to me as a question when I asked for a hysterectomy for my dysphoria, and I eventually decided to just give it a try. Start on gel, start slow, and if I did hate it I could stop before any real "damage" was done.

It's been almost 3 years. I don't hate my body anymore. I feel more comfortable than I ever have. The things I thought I would hate about hormones turned out to be my favorite parts. I don't pass as a cis guy because I don't want top surgery(I legitimately don't for real, I actively like my tits) and I have a large chest, and my voice never dropped. I *never* get he/him'd or they/them'd by people I haven't told, despite the fact that I have *a fucking beard*

And yet I am so happy I did this. I can't imagine going back. I didn't know it was possible to feel this way about my body; I was so certain that HRT would turn me from an ugly fat girl(bad) into an ugly fat boy(worse), and that would make me hate myself even more. But it didn't, and my body feels like mine now. I feel right when I look down and see a fuzzy chest and belly. I enjoy being touched now, because now it feels good. I like the way my face looks with a beard.

I don't care if I'm an ugly fat girl or boy or whatever people see me as anymore. The thing that I care about is how I can smile at myself in the mirror now and mean it. I care that *I* like how I look.

Don't die wondering. You can stop if you don't like it. But if you're on the fence, or scared, just try it. You might discover that it's possible to love yourself in ways you never imagined. Or, at least, you might discover that it's possible not to hate yourself.

[starblaster]

informed "consent" does not really exist for some things in the medical system, and the people who hold power in these institutions (such as doctors, nurses, specialists) need to be doing more to avoid abusing the power they possess, even unintentionally.

and not to subject everyone to a long-winded personal anecdote to get my point across but this is my blog and if you don't like me talking about my experiences then idk why you're following me anyway since that's literally all i blog about.

recently, i went to a doctor to get my uterus checked out because i experience periods so rarely and, when i do menstruate, they're completely debilitating. i had to have a transvaginal ultrasound and a biopsy, and was told it was within the realm of possibility i could be developing endometrial cancer. now, thankfully, i am not nor am i necessarily at an elevated risk of developing endometrial or uterine cancer. but, for two weeks after the appointment, the uncertainty of my test results made me so upset, so stressed, and lose so much sleep because, after a life of psychiatric control both at home and in hospital environments, after having so many of my physical issues dismissed, being denied care or care forced upon me by bigoted providers, and generally having a shit run of things in a system that robbed me of bodily autonomy and agency of choice, for some reason, and i don't know why (maybe feeling like i was owed mercy after surviving so much for so long?), i felt like this was the one thing that shouldn't go wrong. after years of transitioning, i've reached a place where i'm happy with my top surgery results, i'm happy never having bottom surgery, i'm happy not needing to take testosterone anymore, i'm happy with all the permanent changes i've undergone. and i just thought 'this is all done, i summited the metaphorical peak of my transition, i am completely content with all my progress, and none of it will be interfered with or undone' but, of course, i did not account for my uterus potentially being a goddamn ticking timebomb.

like, let's say i really did have precancerous endometrial cells and i really did need to get my uterus removed. regardless of everything i was reading to reassure myself about things like the risks of premature menopause and the impact of a hysterectomy on future orgasms and sexual sensation, it would always be a decision about my body and medical care that i would have had to make to preserve my life, despite not wanting to make it in the first place. in the end, i would just have to have a hysterectomy and hope for the best. i'm relieved that, at least for the time being, this is not my reality. i get to keep my uterus. my hormonal treatment options are still not the most ideal… but at least i get to keep my uterus.

and i say all of this because it made me think about my traumatic history within the medical system, breaking my treatment options down into a matrix, using examples from my own medical history:

need/want (e.g. vaccines, top surgery)

need/don't want (e.g. biopsies, hormonal treatment for menorrhagia)

want/don't need (e.g. removal of small and benign pillar cyst)

don't want/don't need (e.g. psychiatric hospitalization, antipsychotic medications)

and when i thought of this, i was thinking about my intersex friends who have been subjected to "don't want/don't need" operations or 'treatments' in their lives, and fellow psychiatric survivors whose hospitalizations and prescribed 'treatments' also fall under the "don't want/don't need" category. and how doctors don't seem to really care about the wants/needs of patients.

medical providers have to do a better job of preventing the prescriptions of "don't want/don't need" options, especially in the cases of intersex, neurodivergent, and disabled patients who are almost always coerced into accepting them, if not forced by someone with conservatorship/control over them. medical providers also need to do a better job of helping patients experiencing emotional distress over having to choose something like a life-saving treatment option that they do not want other than simply referring them to a psychiatrist. speaking from experience, almost none of my doctors have ever actually given me the space to ask questions and receive answers. they just refer me elsewhere and refuse to help me. this has always been the case. i want medical providers to actually fucking talk to and communicate with their patients in scenarios like this, in which (potentially or literally) life-saving treatment is needed, but which the patient wishes they did not need. i feel like i am constantly being asked to tell my own medical care providers to do their fucking job and it is so goddamn tiring.