#I'm listening to dont right now
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12 Months of 12 - September
#Bit late this month because I was Quite Unwell#I was going to skip September but I thought no. I've come this far#and now I'm glad I didn't because I think this is my strongest month of 12 Months of 12 so far#doctor who fanart#twelfth doctor#clara oswald#whouffaldi#doctor who series 9#twelveclara#dont want to talk about the light source#I thought this up while listening to Bahama Mama by Alphonso Johnson#I usually think of them when I listen to it#also the Gallifreyan on the monitor is a scaled down version of my banner#it says 'do you think I care for you so little betraying me would make a difference'#at least it does if I did it right#i slaved away for hours on this now tell me you like it
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if i just told you i love you would this world change
#witch hat tag#orufrey#these kinda suck lol i feel like i cant draw right now *irritated sigh* BUT I FEEL EMOTIONS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#if you are gay go watch good omens season 2 right now. NO YOU DONT KNOW THO!!!!!!!!!#i know being this affected by good omens is probably cringe. I dont care any more. the last 1 minute of good omens season 2 was#some of the most affecting acting i've ever seen in my life. sometimes someone acts with the force as if their entire career led to that#like during the credits part the very end im not even talking about before that. holy god#aziraphale i know everything about you. i know what you are feeling right now. i can see everything on your face. we're going to make it#ER.... NOT THAT THIS HAS ANYTHING TO DO WITH THIS POST. IT'S NOT SPOILERS !!!!!!!!!!!!!#I JUST FEEL THOROUGHLY CHANGED !!!!!!!!!!! SHIT GETS REAL FROM NOW ON.. LIKE IN GENERAL! IN MY LIFE!#tormented gay love tormented gay love TORMENTED GAY LOVE TORMENTED GAY LOVE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#btw the first 3 images were drawn earlier with an entirely different feeling and an entirely different mood.#Why do you keep pulling away from me?#It is because i love you that i do this#the lyrics from one of my japanese orufrey songs (A SONG THAT THE CREATOR LISTENS TO!!!!) led to feelings#“あなたが知らない私を残さず見ててほしいの” but i'm not translating it cause it just sounds weird. if with his eyes oru's asking “WHY don't you want#to let me in? to see all of you?“ those lyrics are like ”I actually want you to see every last bit of the parts of me you don't know“#oru you have no idea how much i want to lay bare my whole soul for you#maybe it's an alternate version of chapter 40. to me#i need to draw something really fucking good or i'm not going to forgive myself. i will not rest in this life#until i have made the orufrey that fully satisfies me nor until i have seen what the manga is leading to#NO STORY MEANS ANYTHING WITHOUT TORMENTED GAY LOVE AT THE HEART OF IT. THATS THE HEART OF THIS WORLD!!!!!#........... so Hi im normal :) haha *goes and finally makes breakfast*
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here's my toxic Rain World opinion
I think people should put more focus on on-string iterators, but not in the way you think
I see you people, don't think i don't notice ya'll Every time i go in the RW iterator tag i see them, iterator puppets with defined abs and big thighs, and i'm like, yeah sure alright, get it girl ! But are you just ignoring the city-sized sentient computer that's sitting RIGHT THERE ????
You telling me that Rain World so benevolently handed you this massive robot that you can, quite literally, get INSIDE OF, and you decide to thirst over the funny dude little weird guy inside of it ? Come on now
Where's the love for big fucking chunky computers ?? For oversized machines ? Robots so fucking big you can't even fathom their size ?????
#saturn speaks#suggestive#<- tagging just in case#and dont even get me started on the fact that iterator cans literally have BALLS on the underside of them#THE JOKES MAKE THEMSELVES AND YET NO ONE IS LISTENING#HELLO ???????? CAN ANYBODY HEAR ME ???????#noticing now that this post sounds objectum as fuck but i'm deciding to ignore that#we are not unpacking that right now
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One thing I want to say about the Vengeance Saga, is the instrumentation was so, so good. It's probably the most video game-y sounding saga yet, especially Charybdis and Six Hundred Strike. Which fits well with how video game-y and anime the plot got.
But also Charybdis in particular is incredibly synth-y and giving me Jeff Wayne's War of The Worlds soundtrack vibes. Very otherworldly.
Absolutely loved the strings in I'm Not Sorry For Loving You as well. The minor key slide (reminiscent of the strings in Puppeter), not just at the end of the song but building up from the beginning, lingering in the background... chills. Isn't Penelope's instrument the viola? If there was indeed viola in that track it would fit so well.
#capri talks#epic the musical#the chills on my back... man I love sci-fi sounding music so much.#also the way jorge manages to weave in motifs from other songs is incredible I LOVED hearing so many callbacks to Storm#I dont have any other coherent thoughts to say about this right now and no I'm not even going to touch on the plot.#I'm just here for the music and the vibes man. and jorge delivers a very very cool soundtrack once again.#also I absolutely do not know my music vocabulary despite loving music. I would love to amend that some day ;w;#this was all just a post for me to gush about jeff wayne's war of the worlds and suddenly get the urge to listen to it again asgkgkjkhl
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you get lost in the ocean
#had a time where i listened to lost in the ocean on repeat#really good song . i love you glass animals#MORE OC CONTENT!!!#sorry if i post too many ocs . i'm not fixated on any other media right now (LIGHTHEARTED)#my art#oc: sawyer#oc art#original character#original character art#artists on tumblr#lineless art#art#spider#<- for blocked tags just in case people dont like spider features
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I had asked James to write a bit about what 72 Seasons meant to him. But even before we received that, Lars shared that James did say one thing he thought was particularly interesting, which was “prisoner of childhood.” So Lars was the guy who distilled a lot of what James had to say into a phrase that became extremely powerful for us creatively. It was a brilliant synthesis of all the ideas behind 72 Seasons in three words.
-David Turner about the concept art and design of 72 Seasons
#metallica#72 seasons#james hetfield#lars ulrich#so what!#david turner#(d)jinn all'opera#yeah yeah i got around reading it just now#AND I'M SHARING THIS#bc i am so damn predictable. hence the tag...#jh and lu#an xl kind of friendship#GET YOURSELF A FRIEND WHO LISTENS TO EVERY WORD YOU SAY AND GIVES IT BACK DISTILLED#and let me tell u. jhet is not very verbose so to summarise his concepts... not bad#also this was from an email between james and#dt but ofc Lars also read it? maybe he heard james talking abt? and then of course he hit the nail abt what was the essence for his friend#dont look at me. i am not normal abt this and yall know it well#jinn out#soph. if you see this..... THEM. RIGHT???? /THEM/
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genuinely didn't think I'd make it to 18 let alone 22 so now I'm looking around like..... Now What
#diary#um. sad rant i guess dont read if you're not in the headspace to take in negativity#i dont know what to do with myself. i feel like crying all the time and I'm always tired no matter how much i sleep and i love my family bu#sometimes i wish i just lived alone and didn't talk to anyone. i hate talking about my problems i hate everything about it#i dont want to be here. but i dont know where to go or how to move forward. i want to live but i dont really have that option#i feel so stuck right now.#i would say more but it would get sad really fast so I'll write it down maybe. or listen to some sad music and cry it out#genuinely thought about running away to like. Switzerland earlier. like i was looking up flights and everything#how fucking sad does someone have to be to contemplate that.
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"All political parties face a trade-off under a first-past-the-post electoral system. Governing depends on attracting a broad coalition of voters, inevitably involving compromises that leave a party’s base disgruntled.
So it is perhaps unsurprising that as we move closer to a general election, the discontent from the anti-Labour left who claim there is little to distinguish Keir Starmer from Rishi Sunak in the battle for the premiership is only getting noisier."
"The argument is threefold: there’s no meaningful difference between the Conservatives and Labour; Starmer supposedly can’t be trusted because he has dropped pledges he made in the 2020 leadership election to shift his party towards the centre; finally, the “Tories are toast” and Labour can’t lose, so disgruntled left voters can safely vote for other parties, such as the Greens.
With Labour so far ahead in the polls, the urge to debunk these sentiments may seem like an expression of paranoia. But all three aspects of this narrative are comprehensively wrong, including the reassurance that it is safe for anyone who would prefer a Labour government to vote for another party in Labour-Tory contests."
"But what this underplays is the number of Labour-Tory marginals where a relatively small vote for other left candidates could cost Labour a win. James Kanagasooriam, of the polling company Focaldata, has written about the “sandcastle” nature of Labour’s likely majority; his forecast is that there will be many more marginal seats in the 2024 parliament compared with 2019. If more than predicted numbers of those who voted Green in the locals decide they can afford to do so in the general election because Labour is so far ahead in national polls, that will boost the Conservatives.
Next up is the idea that Starmer’s dropping of some of his leadership pledges makes him dangerously untrustworthy. But this is the product of a system in which the tiny unrepresentative slice of the electorate that is a party membership pick their leader before voters choose their prime minister. Anyone hoping to be PM would have to shift position between a leadership selection and a general election: a Labour leader’s most important job is to connect with potential voters, not to coddle members with the comfort blanket of a policy platform such as the “free broadband for all” 2019 pledge that was roundly rejected.
Liz Truss provides a cautionary tale of what happens when a party leader seeks to impose a membership-endorsed platform on the country without a general election. For Starmer to have stuck to his 2020 leadership election pledges, instead of spending the past four years understanding voters, would have been fundamentally anti-democratic.
The most egregious aspect of the anti-Labour left argument is there isn’t much to choose between Starmer and Sunak. Yes, Labour’s “Ming vase” election strategy has seen it take a much more cautious fiscal approach than many of us would like: it has effectively adopted the Tory macroeconomic worldview and with it a set of spending constraints that no one sensible thinks either party could stick to in the wake of the election.
That is frustrating for anyone hoping this election campaign may illuminate some of the tough trade-offs facing Britain; but it would have been incredibly risky for one side to go it alone on this. The alternative is Labour walking into the trap and handing the Conservatives a “Labour tax bombshell” election campaign.
From a commitment to scrap the Rwanda plan to making clear that in an ideal world Labour would discard the two-child benefit cap, there are plenty of reasons that it is preposterous to think that a Starmer government would make the same trade-offs as successive Conservative governments that have financed billions of pounds worth of tax cuts for more affluent families by cutting tax credits and benefits for low-income parents. The six pledges Starmer launched two weeks ago may be incremental, but Labour needs voters to believe they are deliverable, and they are indicative of a very different set of priorities than those that animate Sunak."
"Starmer is not without weaknesses, as shown by the days he took to clarify an interview last October in which he gave the impression he thought Israel had the right to withhold power and food from Gaza. But there is no doubt whatsoever he would make a vastly more compassionate and competent prime minister than Sunak. To encourage people to put that outcome at risk by casting a protest vote against a Labour government that does not yet exist is perhaps the ultimate form of luxury belief campaigning."
#i dont particularly like starmer either#and labour have dropped a lot of policies i love and picked up some that I'm highly sceptical of#but those battles can be fought once theyre in power. right now all you lot are doing is doing the tories work for them#uk politics#labour winning is not a guarantee. WE DO NOT HAVE PROPORTIONAL REPRESENTATION#if the left vote is split. the tories WILL benefit#let's vote tactically now. for whatever party has the best chance of getting the Tories out in your constituency#be that lib dems. labour or greens. and once we've done that. we can all write to our mps and make our feelings known#i for one would love to finally have an mp that actually fucking listens to their constituents and makes themselves avaliable#my tory mp barely ever even bothers to vote#that's not democracy is it#I'll be voting for a lib dem mp as she's the only one with a chance of beating the huge majority my current tory mp has#and then I'll be sending her a shit Ton of letters asking her to stand up for Palestine and trans rights and disabled people#and stand against child poverty and landlords and over policing and over militarisation IN PARLIAMENT#as someone in a tory safe seat this is my only chance to maybe have my voice in parliament heard and it drives me up the wall#that you are all telling ppl to throw that kind of chance away
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breakups are so fucking weird. three years and just like that it's gone. huh
#helix.txt#gross i ended up spilling my guts in tags. look at them fucking writhing on the floor all bloody#dont rb please#vent#to quote fall out boy i knew it was over i just didn't know the date#yeah that's it. fall out boy can fix this.#i will feel better if i go listen to bang the doldrums#and infinity on high in general#and folie a deux. folie a fucking deux how i love that album#my chem will make me better. gerard way save me#god what a weird feeling. you used to know me better than any other person but then you moved hundreds of miles away and it worked#for a while. then two years later you said it wasnt working and that this was best for both of us. guess i never got the memo for that one#hope we treat other people better because i wasn't as kind as i should have been towards the end and you were never as thoughtful or con-#-siderate as i needed towards the end. we grew apart because you're bad at keeping contact over messaging#and in some ways the cracks in the foundation that grew from that were my fault too i guess. our conversations always felt one sided#maybe i was smothering you#you could never seem to keep more than a passing recollection of the things i liked or even pay much attention to them#but i wasn't great about that either#we just became different people. you weren't what i wanted or needed and you couldn't do long distance. whatever#i know it was the right thing i just wish it hadn't made me feel so damn awful#will we still talk after this? who knows. we didn't end on bad terms but things are definitely weird#and considering your track record with people you can only talk to online i'm not optimistic#you tried to break things off initially by saying you'd said you would improve in the past with nothing to show for it#something i didn't disagree with but i said it didn't bother me much. and it didn't#but it's complicated now. i did deserve better. but you made it clear i'm not getting it from you#you weren't as present or thoughtful as i needed#i wasn't there in person the way you needed and certainly not as considerate as i should have been. and for that second part i'm truly sorr#anyways. sorry. i'd been thinking about it for a long time anyway. i didn't want to admit it because i didn't like to think#about what it might bring. maybe i should have been braver#right. that's enough
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there are doctors there are hospitals there are specialists there is medicine there are systems in place so people do not have to suffer and be tortured under their own chronic pain daily and yet. they're all fucking inaccessible to the people who need it most!!! to what I would argue is most disabled people!! I'm so fucking done with the medical system.
#today is an absolutely wretched pain day that makes me want to not be here anymore but guess what!#wasted a whole year trying to convince my doctors I was in significant and disableing pain daily and the best they could do#is tell me to go to PT and to wait 6 months and tell them if it gets better#to prescribe some shit like gabapentin or otc pain meds and write me off#tell me they'll get new X-rays to see if it got worse by the summer#disability exists!! specialists exist! good doctors fucking exist!! somewhere!!! I'm sure!!#but here I sit. in excruciating amounts of pain unable to convince any fucking doctors of anything#and that year I spent pushing myself to the limit is wasted bc at the very end of it all only one guy listened to me#and he said no one in their giant ass facility could diagnose me#so I'm back to square one bc I got a new job which means new insurance and new doctors to try and convince again#I just want to be on disability so i can want to be alive again#I'm so frustrated and in pain constantly#what are people like me who have to work 40hrs to afford to live but don't have any family to rely on supposed to do??#just die? am i supposed to continue to work until im too disabled to move and be profitable unless i get lucky?#bc some fucking doctor finally decides to actually listen???#ive tried ALL THE DAMN TRICKS TOO. telling them a friend has it and thats how i found out. that my previous doctor was looking into it#etc etc#I'm SO done living like this i am exhausted.#and to know that i COULD BE HELPED. RIGHT NOW. is the worst fucking part#these systems are in place so people like me dont have to fucking suffer.#but i cant even do anything about it bc i have a cat.
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Today, Beck's been saying that I ruined everything, I was supposed to be the happy one. Friday and him both say the at I ruin things pretty frequently but this one hurts a bit. He's saying it in context to one of the collective delusions, but my brain just keeps applying it to everything. I just feel like that happens a lot. I'm supposed to be the happy one, I'm supposed to be the happiest in the room. Not like, in the moment but in a general sense. I feel like I've failed people by having trauma. Friday calls me a ruiner all the time. I ruin people and places and ideas and things. I ruin the vibes. I don't want to be like this. I don't want to be like anything. I'm gonna sit in the sun tomorrow and see if that helps. I love having emo songs Bob as my pfp. Light of my life in moments like this fr. It's just funny being all depressed and then seeing my pfp pic and reading it in his voice. Good stuff.
#I also want to start dreaming scene.... which I've wanted to do since i was like 12#probably more emo then hard scene but i feel like i don't listen to enough emo music to actually be able to claim the subculture#but im all talk. dressing like that takes money and time. i dont even know how much i get paid at my new job yet and im so sleepy tired#all the time#i feel like im really close to being on the right track but i keep getting thrown off right before i get on#i feel like a squished piece of fruit on the floor#i wish i would shut up tbh#friday broke up with autumn and henery. and idk why but im kinda feeling the pain from that more than either of them are#hes begging super distant now :( we used to talk a lot#he's so I'm consistent though I'm sure it will be back to normal soon#all the above mentioned are alters in our system lol
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There's a certain frustration to plurality something beyond what you might expect something built on age. This ... When you exist carrying an emotion. A dread so ancient within you as they might say. Chipping down at you. I guess I'm getting personal ... What I mean is... Feeling so different. So separate from the host (not a fan of the term if I'm honest), to the point you wrongfully believe this change to be tangible for others... But they look at you and they cannot see this thing. Cannot catch past your empty gaze your tired words your mangled gestures. They just see someone who you're not. And not always does one wish for introductions. I don't know my name. But I feel it'd be obvious I'm not them. Yet it's not. And it's frustrating.
It's not the quirky cutee aww I'm new here twirling hair introduction. It's looking away in silent until they get the hint. But they don't.
#luly talks#2 am realm.#to elaborate more its ... about not being confused. being and feeling rather clear. i know who you are i know what you want#but I'm not the person you want and i dont want anything right now#not... like this.#if i listen to the bitter mold voices it becomes... a frustration about being ignored. look at my face look at what I'm doing#don't you recognize the other guy? can't you tell us so obviously apart?#such is life
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same soup... different day
#hello it is sarah in the tags again#i feel like i tell myself i'll actually use this as a blog and then i forget and then i remember and then i forget again#venting ahead if that is not ur jam (talking to the 2 followers who actually see my posts)#i like tumblr because it;s so removed from my personal life that it feels really like a place i dont have to be anything for anyone#anyway i've been wondering if i should go back to therapy again but i feel like they might get tired of me because i keep bailing and comin#back like an addict lol like i swear i'll commit this time! sike. ghost be upon ye#anyway this time i'd come in for the big D#i don't like the floor it just feels closer to being six feet under and a bit like where i belong#i feel like a great number of things have happened in the past year and i've met all of it with a very lukewarm sense of dread and anxiety#its not even about feeling happy i dont even think i can feel shaken by anything. i feel like people see my apathy and think it's confidenc#anyway im not going back. they always say the same thing. can't do shit about shit life syndrome. and i don't want pills i'm so sick of the#isn't it something that i'm especially depressed the day before i start my new job? it's a tradition at this point. cheers#isn't it cruel that everyone in my life seem to put me on some kind of bizarre pedestal and no one questions my decisions or authority and#i battle with myself to figure out if i'm doing the right thing (no one will tell me the truth they are all scared of me getting angry)#was talking with a friend about how it'll be if i join their group project in a module we're taking soon.#and she's like well isn't it obvious? everyone will just listen to whatever you say and we'll end up doing well.#no one would challenge you because you're always right. and it's like.. yeah. i guess. okay. (hate that i know she's not wrong)#lol can u tell this is why house is kind of getting to me. learning lots of things about myself watching that man commit medical malpractic#anyway. i didn't ghost my therapist this time i remember now. she left the clinic lol she asked me to connect on linkedin. that was amusing#i always feel like the therapists here never know what to do with me and i kind of have to hold their hand a bit through my psyche#also they seem to be a bit at awe of me which is a bit annoying. and i know that definitely sounds like Issues but it's just like#ugh not you too. please stop i'm sick of it i'm sick with it. i don't want you to be inspired by my awful life and how i handled it#and i have nothing to say for it but... *gestures vaguely* of all of this
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that pathologizing/humanizing post and all the discourse surrounding it is driving me batty if i never see it again it'll be too soon. post block time
#like listen. there is value in translating your symptoms for people who don't have your disorders#there is value in saying 'hey i'm feeling overwhelmed right now' vs 'hey i'm having a sensory overload'#most people understand 'overwhelmed' even if they have never heard of sensory issues#there is value in saying 'i had a knee jerk reaction and felt attacked and overwhelmed and thats why i snapped at you' vs 'i have rsd'#most people understand feeling attacked and angry and upset even if they have never heard of rsd#however i do not think 'humanizing' is the correct word for the act of making that translation#and i dont think its necessarily pathologizing to say 'i had sensory overload' or 'that was emotional dysregulation'#thats just using precise words for things. sort of nd jargon u know#which isnt the simplest way to explain to like. a layperson#and as for the idea that we should apologize rather than explaining our symptoms...like. yeah dude. it is possible to do both#you can take responsibility for snapping at someone and explain why you did in the same breath. it's just easier again if u translate#anyway. fuck that post and its rebuttals. im tired
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oh we're back in business
#pluffie talks#< you can ALWAYS mute this tag - please dont let me annoy you against your will#HOWEVER. i am popping off right now#I used to be in a place where i'd listen to this 1 song i associated with soriku on repeat and be like. super emotional and not normal#and then idk i became normal about it and every time i've tried to listen to it i don't really get that big emotion anymore#but WE'RE BACK. WE'RE SO FUCKING BACK. I'm playing it right now and I want to eat glass. Good god
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I have a longing to be understood more than anything else i think
#someone very recently acknowledged something that usually goes unseen and it wasn't even that great of an acknowledgement but ive just been#staring at the messages every once in a while. its great. not really i sort of feel like a real weirdo#im very lonely. i cant say why but let it be known that i am very lonely#ok i have a question to those who lie their eyes upon this post: tell me what you know about me please?#so much lies in my social perception and i am just. not being perceived. at all. darn#i have a lot to cry about but morally i dont think i should-- specifics would mean being mean to the people i love#talking to anyone anymore just makes me feel horrible. doing anything anymore makes me feel horrible..tmbg has my back though ill live for#another.week or a few. and then my birthday will happen and rhen um#.Well. it sucks that sucks man. i dont want to disclose my age but to elaborate on why ACTUALLY HOLD ON#the thing i am about to say is not true; it is a metaphorical thing: it is my 21st birthday soon.#i decided that i wouldnt live past this age around 5 years ago and the only reason ive lived five years is being killed this year. i dont#think every thing ive been desperately clinging on to for the past 2 (?) years can keep me alive past then..i think im going to die. i have#to#NO MORE BEING A DOWNER#fox (vulpes vulpes) on the Internet for the first time#okay maybe a little more..i dont know who im talking to in this post. my friends do not read my tumblr and. i dont know anyone else.really.#uh#I'm listen to tmbg right now i love them#hey reader; i can only think of 3 people who see enough about me to check my blog. so i have separate questions for the each of you.#one of you likes (liked? school came in and i couldnt see your blog much past then; idk if its changed) tmbg. what do you think of The Else?#and uh you there... the guyyy. Google john flansburgh..i dont have a reason to this one ive just not been able to stop thinking about askin#you what you think of him.#um third person..... um#okay theres nothing iecan ask. i do want to apologize to you though: im sorry.#iThis is bullshit#im gonna delete this soon#Um also sorry if my wording here is. really wack. i tend to do that#i dont think anyones going to see this as is always#i think i just like talking to the hypothetical beast. yeah
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