#I'll try forever to be worthy of the people i love

[midnavidalia]

If I fill myself with enough love I can hide from the theory that I'm the worst mistake of their lives

[toygirljackal]

Fuck I feel so dumb

[saekkas]

𝐃𝐎𝐖𝐍 𝐎𝐍 𝐌𝐘 𝐊𝐍𝐄𝐄𝐒

summary: romantically cliche things the boys do when they're in love with you.

includes: isagi, nagi, reo, yukimiya, rin, sae, kunigami, kaiser, karasu, bachira, aiku.

notes: this might just be the most lovey-dovey thing i've ever written in my life.

𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐒𝐔𝐍: goes out of his comfort zone, does anything he can so that you're always smiling when with him, makes butterflies erupt every single time he opens his mouth.

kaiser, sae, isagi, karasu

"can't you let me see? we've been doing this for hours!"

his hands are around your face, shielding your vision. you can see nothing but darkness, only small spots of light from the gaps of his fingers. he's been nothing but romantic for the whole day, eager to celebrate your anniversary on a day off. he's taken you to a popular italian place, which he's booked under your name from two months ago, and brought you to a science and art museum that's produced more than a hundred lock screen worthy photos.

all the while keeping his hands around your eyes every time you move onto a new spot. he's determined to make this the best day of your life, and with the way it's going, he's gotten his wish.

"calm down, we're almost there." his voice is right by your ear, tone completely warm as he chuckles at the shiver it brings. "since when were you the impatient one in the relationship?"

"can you blame me? how am i supposed to know you aren't leading me into a trench in the middle of nowhere?" there's only silence, and you can only assume he's grown tired of your whining. "it's a perfectly plausible scenario and you know that. what if-"

"we're here," he says, this time whispering lowly as he stops your movements, placing his chin on your shoulder. "i hope you like it. it's my last present for today."

you blink your eyes when he finally takes away his hand, trying to get used to the onslaught of brightness. you gasp, realizing belatedly that he's taken you to the canopy of your joined apartment. he's taken two chairs from your kitchen, along with a high desk from your work room, and transformed the space into a private space for two.

"this is beautiful. i can't believe you did this for me."

his hands are warm as they trail down your waist, wrapping you snugly against his chest. you can feel the soft breath coming from his mouth, and the telltale signs of a five o'clock shadow as he nuzzles into your neck. "do you like it?"

"i love it. i love you." you stand in silence for a while, taking the time to take everything in. you snap out of your trance like state when he takes your hand, pulling you towards the seats. "thank you. you've completely made my present for you look like trash."

there's a shadow of a smile on his face, bright even under the darkness of the ink blue sky. you'd print it if you could. you'd freeze this moment, this day, so you'll get to experience it forever, in a never-ending loop, if you could.

"two tickets to meet my favorite team is far from trash, but i'll accept the compliment."

that shadow of a smile turns into a grin, and you realize you never want to experience a day without his smile for the rest of your life if you could.

the lights from nearby buildings look and feel as if fireflies, surrounding you in a peaceful hue. his eyes are a different shade today, far brighter than they usually are. his embrace far warmer.

you suppose love does that to the best of people. and you suppose you're lucky to be able to get to experience it with him.

"i have something for you."

you quirk an eyebrow as he leans down to reach for something under his seat. it's rectangular, medium-sized, nothing special looking, and yet your heart's beating against your ribcage, threatening to let loose and engulf him whole.

"i thought this whole set up was supposed to be the last?"

"i lied," he chuckles, handing the object to you with soft eyes. "open it."

the wrapping is shabby at best, and you bite your lip, both endeared and amused by his actions. you tear it gently, gasping when the cover of your favorite book looks back at you. "i..."

the cover feels smooth under your fingers, and you can only choke back a sob when you flip onto the first page, finding his scribbled writing right under the author's autograph. the next pages are similar in different ways, filled with little notes and highlighted words at the edges. his thoughts immortalized for you to read.

"you annotated a book for me?" you sniffle, wiping away the tears before they fall onto the pages. "and got the author to sign it?"

"why are you crying?" he asks out of pure sweetness, nothing but love looking back at you from his eyes. "isn't that what a guy does when he's in love with a girl?"

you only nod, still at a loss of words as he leans down another time, this time placing a cool box on the desk. "gelato?" he asks with a laugh as he places two of your favorite flavored dessert in between you. "can't have my love crying on our special day, can we?"

you learn that the gelato isn't the last surprise either. his last present comes in the form of a ring and a promise made under the night sky.

𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐌𝐎𝐎𝐍: holds every single one of your things, will not let you move a single finger, proudly shows you off as his.

aiku, nagi, kunigami

"i have two hands too, you know?" you laugh, your shoulders shaking as you lean against the apartment door's entrance. "i can bring my own things."

you watch with thinly veiled amusement as he shakes his head with a stubborn frown. his footsteps are heavy, the added weight of all your shopping bags dragging him down slightly. you move slightly to the left, pushing the door open wider so he could enter.

"i'll get you something to drink. hold on," you say with a pointed look before making your way to the kitchen to fetch a water bottle. walking back, you giggle at the sight of him peeking into the paper bags. "here."

the palm of his hands are slightly calloused against the skin of your thighs as he all but drags you onto his lap. the couch sinks under your joined form and you raise an eyebrow when he looks up at you with puppy eyes.

"what?" you ask, slightly suspicious of the pout on his face after the few seconds of silence. "you want something don't you?"

"show me?" his tone is dripping in honey and his hands rub circles on your back as he tries to persuade you. "wanna see my girl all dolled up and pretty."

you sigh at his request, your heart weak at his show of affection. "fine. you better pay attention though."

he hums, nodding his head excitedly as you take the bags and bring them into the bedroom with you, ready for a fashion show.

"i'm not wearing every single one so i'll show you my favorites." the dress you have on is innocent, fun. one you've picked exactly for picnic dates and ice cream runs. it's a baby blue color, white lace trimming your waist with a bow to match. "what do you think?"

his eyes roam from your head down to your feet, and you blink at the silence that coats his answer. "do you not like it?"

he blinks back, as if breaking out of a gaze before he stands, leaning down to press three pecks onto your lips. you watch as he walks back to the couch, tilting your head at the coy smirk on his face. you feel dumbfounded when he waves a hand, motioning for you to try the next one.

the second outfit is far simpler. white top matched with a leather jacket and boots. there's no other sound besides the fan by the edge of the kitchen and his footsteps as he leans in to press another kiss. only two this time.

you snort when you realize when he's doing. if there's anything your boyfriend will do, it's charm you with whatever weird stunt he has up his sleeve. "you are impossible. what is this? your version of america's top model?"

"i don't hear you complaining." he walks back to his seat, watching you with lidded eyes and a small smirk filling his expression. "next one?"

you snort, changing into the last outfit for him to see. this one's far more intimate as you've bought it for special occasions. the dress is a dark maroon, it sinks down to the floor with a plunging neckline that is a wonder to the eyes. you watch as he stiffens, becking you forward with a come-hither motion on his finger.

you sway your hips as you walk, looking at him with a coy smile that he most certainly loves. before you have the chance to lean down, he shoots up, pressing three kisses on your lips, and another on your exposed chest.

his hands wrap around your waist, tilting your chin so that you meet his eyes. "next one."

"that was the last one." you quirk an eyebrow, squinting when he grins. "what?"

"try my clothes. i'll give you full scores for every outfit."

𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐒𝐓𝐀𝐑𝐒: gets you anything and everything that reminds him of you, reminds you of your worth every day, charming to the point that your mother wants you to marry him asap.

rin, yukimiya, bachira, reo

"hey, i know you're a big-time pro-athlete now but that doesn't mean you need to spend all your money on me."

your boyfriend has a thing for splurging. he buys things that are almost always useless and insists on gifting them to you with a big shiny bow wrapped around it. he isn't much of a spender for himself, insists on wearing his clothes until they're somehow falling off his body but with you? his pockets are loose, wallet seemingly always filled with credit cards.

an investment for the future, he calls it.

you don't know whether to laugh at the absurdity of his words or cry because this handsomely talented individual actually sees you as part of his future. he's calling you as his future. talk about sweeping a girl off her feet.

"they're pretty. i thought you'd want to see them."

the bouquet that he sent is nothing if not pretty. it's a stunning piece of work, an arrangement of many different kinds of vividly colored flowers wrapped into a huge bundle. it's hefty in your hand and you'd be lying of you said that it isn't a treat for the eyes.

"you could have taken a picture and showed it to me through text, eh?" you walk forward, smelling the flowers in your hand, and carefully place them on the desk to put in a vase later. "you didn't need to ship it all the way from paris."

you watch as the pixelated version boyfriend shrugs, a sweet smile forming on his lips at your words. it's nighttime where he's at, and it shows through the darkness of the hotel window he currently resides in. the video shakes as he holds his phone, moving away from the window and onto a bed.

"do you like it?" he asks, propping a hand behind his head and on a pillow. "the florist recommended that one for you. she said it had a special meaning."

"yeah? tell her she has amazing taste and is very kind if you ever meet her again."

he hums, eyes hazy and laced with sleep. you smile when he tries to stifle a yawn. "you should go to sleep. it's late there, isn't it?"

"it's fine." he yawns like a puppy is your first thought when he does let it out. there's an air of tiredness around him, clearly drained from practice and a match. you giggle when he yawns again, this time stretching his hands above his head like a cat. adorable. "i wanna talk to you for a bit more. i miss you."

you soften at that. "i miss you too. just three more days, right?"

he nods at that, the smile never leaving his face. the smile, you've come to realize, is reserved especially for you. "i told the florist to write a note for you too. is it there?"

you hum, placing the phone against your mug to look for it. you've been too distracted by its beauty that you never noticed the small piece of white paper that's attached to one of the flowers' stems. the first thing that catches your eye is the list of flowers the bouquet is made from and their meaning.

roses; love, warmth. dahlia; eternal love, appreciation, commitment. chrysanthemums; loyalty, happiness, joy. ranunculus; charm and attractiveness. anemones; anticipation.

the second, is the beautiful cursive handwriting that details, "i'll love you until the last one withers."

you look back to your phone, smiling brightly at him. "thank you. this means everything to me." there's an air of happiness that surrounds him at your words, his smile brightening along with yours. there's a glint in his eye that you're suspicious of, yet you don't get to call him out for it.

"i'm glad you like it. i'm gonna head in now. i'll text you in the morning, okay?" he hums, padding from his bed and turning the light off, bathing him in a moonlit glow. "call me when you wake up."

"okay." there's always a bittersweet feeling in saying good night to him, in saying temporary farewells. your shoulders slump slightly and you nod, blowing him a kiss. "night. sweet dreams. i love you."

"i love you too, angel."

the line disconnects after a few minutes of silent staring and you sigh, turning away to find a vase for your newly bought gift. it's only when you're gently placing the flowers in that you realize one's different from the others. you chuckle, holding the fake flower to your chest. picking up your phone, your fingers glide across the screen, sending him a text you hope he'll see when he wakes.

you: who knew you were such a romantic

you: i'll love you forever. thank you. you mean the world to me.

your fingers stop as you take in the flower once more, every single one of its petals has been painted a different color. it's smooth against your hand, and you grin when you lift it to your nose to sniff. it smells like him.

you: send me your hotel address. i'm sending you a gift.

you: me.

[leclerc-s]

karma - part five

series masterlist // previous // next

charles_leclerc and natalia_leclerc posted new stories

je vous aimerai pour toujours (i'll love you forever)

"bébé, tu es l'amour de ma vie" (baby, you are the love of my life)

siempre te amare (i'll always love you)

tehe, that's my husband 🥰

hey siri, play slut! (taylor's version)

charles_leclerc posted new stories

how did i get so lucky?

😘😍

liked by gracieabrams, sukiwaterhouse, kellypiquet and others

natalia_leclerc no words to describe what it has meant to me to go on this journey with people i love. daisyjonesandthesix  has been the greatest, most fulfilling gift. it’s surreal that it has come to an end, but i have made friends for life, and memories that will bring a smile to my face forever. i could’ve never anticipated exactly how much love this show would get and how my life would change. it has just exceeded all of our dreams. i’m so proud of how far we’ve come. congratulations to all of the winners and nominees 💙 thank you televisionacad for this recognition. oh baby, look at us now 🎶

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user1 charles leclerc, you lucky son of a gun

user2 so cunty of her to be wearing red to the emmys. she owns that color.

landonorris DID YOU MEET TAYLOR SWIFT??

natalia_leclerc maybe. maybe not? charles_leclerc she almost cried. natalia_leclerc traitor landonorris and? i would too, she isn't special.

user3 can charles fight??

user4 red bull may be falling apart but charles will still simp over his wife.

sukiwaterhouse oh baby you looked gorgeous 😘

natalia_leclerc it was all you corazon charles_leclerc please stop flirting with my wife. sukiwaterhouse never you french man. charles_leclerc MONÉGASQUE!! I'M MONÉGASQUE!! sukiwaterhouse french adjacent 🤷🏼‍♀️

francesca.cgomes what a beautiful girl 💙

natalia_leclerc aww baby 💙 user5 praying for my man charles. everyone loves his wife.

user6 you're telling me lightning mcqueen pulled her?? how??

alex_albon believe me, we've been asking ourselves that same question since 2018. landonorris it's a miracle really pierregasly she is the sally to his mcqueen natalia_leclerc and pierre is the mater to his mcqueen

kellypiquet you look amazing red is definitely your color 💙

natalia_leclerc thank you kelly!

max verstappen so does anyone know who our new team principal is going to be??

charles leclerc i'm still trying to wrap my head around daniel not driving this season. sebastian vettel i haven't been told anything yet. natalia leclerc as if they're going to tell me. i only know everything because charles tells me everything.

max verstappen i was hoping someone would know something. i think the anticipation will slowly kill me.

charles leclerc good, then i can become champion. sebastian vettel not that he needs you to be dead to beat you.

max verstappen i guess we'll see won't we?

charles leclerc we will, won't we? natalia leclerc men 🙄

sebastian vettel i think if we don't know anything it's because they haven't found a replacement.

max verstappen then that's stupid, why are they going to announce it when they haven't found someone to replace him?

natalia leclerc because even now we can't get away from spanish papers. someone leaked this shit.

sebastian vettel i have a crazy idea.

charles leclerc how crazy are we talking here?

sebastian vettel i'll be back in like 40 minutes.

max verstappen way to leave us hanging seb

40 minutes later

sebastian vettel i don't know how successful i was but i think they'll think about it.

natalia leclerc seb, what did you do?

sebastian vettel hopefully something worthy of younger seb's chaos.

max verstappen we're fucked

charles leclerc don't be mean. as long as it's not another multi-21 we'll be fine.

sebastian vettel oh my god. let it go. charles leclerc as long as people still hold the inchident against me. i will hold multi-21 against you.

natalia leclerc i don't know why anyone thinks you three are serious people. you're all children.

max verstappen says the woman who's been thiristing over her husband on social media.

"how long did it take you to convince him?" natalia asked. sebastian huffed, "i almost got down on my knees to beg."

"it would not have come to that," kimi replied.

sebastian rolled his eyes, "he was enjoying it. i had to ask his wife to help me convince him. they gave me a deadline to get him on board."

"was there any other option?" max questioned.

"jenson," seb answered at the same time kimi said, "mark."

charles laughed, "oh, would it not have been great to see seb and mark on the same team again?"

"they would've killed each other," max realized.

"no, we wouldn't," sebastian argued. natalia gave him a shit-eating grin, "you still have to see him at the paddock, like every week. he's oscar's manager."

"the mini-me?" kimi quizzed, looking up from his ice cream, because nothing would stop him from enjoying ice cream. everyone at the table looked at him confused, kimi shrugged, "i read what people say. sometimes."

the conversation was stopped by kelly's arrival, "sorry, i'm late. daniil was running late and- nevermind. did you order yet?"

max shook his head, "just kimi, said he needed his ice cream."

"it's very good," kimi replied, "but i don't share."

sebastian huffed again, "i made a huge mistake."

"too late."

taglist: @janeholt3 @vroomvroommuppett @charlesgirl16 @someoneintheworld @iconicbookstore @evans-dejong @minmira95 @leanneg97 @asparklysoul @d3kstar @lollie0024 @magical-spit @gemnetjournal @rockyhayzkid @weekendlusting @ironspdy @namgification @moonyzsworld @Fall-bambi @emilyval1 @lorenakaspersen @spilled-coffee-cup @butterfly-lover @blushmimi @mgmoore @lovely-blackinnon @six-call @bingewatche @vroomvroom95 @lesliiieeeee @itscrzy @alymeddar @fletchingarcher @casperlikej @minmira95

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¡leclerc-s speaks! hope i didn't let anyone down with the kimi reveal, which due to popular demand, i just had to go with him. trust when i say i would've gone with seb if i didn't already have plans for him. listen, i love ollie, he is a baby, and i just had to include him somehow. so i took creative liberties. realistically this couldn't happen but oh well, poaching him and arthur was definitely seb's idea. also, please don't hate me for the daniel thing but liam lawson deserves an f1 seat and he's getting one in this story. at least i didn't get rid of him completely.

¡disclaimer! this is in no way making assumptions about the people involved in this story, this is all fake. it is a fanfiction please don't take any of what is said seriously. this is all for entertainment purposes and as a creative outlet for me. enjoy!

[rekino2114]

Yello! Would you do a female sukuna x male reader, where the reader is her reincarnated lover.

Fem. Sukuna with a reincarnated reader

A/n:everyone calls him by his last name anyway so I don't see the need to change his first one (plus I have no idea what I'd change ryomen to) also I'll make yuji a girl in this too cause it would be....uncomfortable to think otherwise. Credit to mochiii on pinterest for the art

Not many people know that during the heian era,sukuna, the queen of curses and the strongest sorcerer in history actually had a husband,someone who was impressively close to her level of strength and that she considered the person worthy of standing beside her as the peak of jujutsu and of her love.

You two lived happily for years, and after meeting kenjaku you decided to split your souls into cursed objects to live forever and be reincarnated together in another era.

While you reincarnated without problems, taking over your vessel easily, apparently, your wife had found the perfect vessel to contain her (thanks kenny) and couldn't completely take over the girl's body only being able to switch briefly.

You were amused that a random non sorcerer girl could give the sukuna that much trouble but you immediately teamed up with your servant uraume to try and help "revive" your lover.

You are quite sad that you only get to see her very rarely. You look forward to the day you can be fully reunited with your love, preferably while surrounded by the bodies of your enemies.

"Uraume, y/n!"

"It's been a while. That was a wonderful fight dear, I see you're still as strong as ever"

"Please, we both know I can do way better. This brat is holding me back If I was at my full strength not even that cursed spirit's ashes would be left"

"I certainly don't doubt that, speaking of your situation our loyal servant here has prepared the ritual to bind you to your vessel, are you ready?"

"Unfortunately, there is something really important I have to do at the moment, my beloved, but don't worry once I take care of everything and slaughter every one of these weaklings we will be together just like old times"

You two share a kiss before sukuna goes to fight mahoraga.

[hastyprovocateur]

An analysis of Mizu×Akemi

Mizu gave up Akemi to Lord Daichi's men saying her path of revenge has no room for "love, friendship or weakness." She looked Ringo up and down at "weakness" after which he got offended and ended his apprenticeship for not helping Akemi. Mizu's eyes held guilt as Akemi cried out for her, hoping to be by Mizu's side and not go through with her marriage to the Shogun's son. Mizu was aware that if she fought Daichi's men, it meant more would be coming, which inadvertently meant more time having Akemi around, growing close to her... peering into her soul, breaking some walls... like she did at Madam Kaji's when she lay bare the fact that she's not the killer she pretends to be. Which was hammer meets nail as far as Mizu's singular purpose is concerned. It also means a lot that Mizu's appearance in itself wasn't scary to Akemi, or worthy of contempt despite being an aristocrat in an extremely xenophobic time. Racism should've been her second language but she doesn't exercise it. She only noted the distress evident in Mizu's behavior. Her rage- "Your face isn't even so scary... you're just... angry."

The thing about noticing is... you keep noticing more. Especially someone as observant and calculated as Akemi. Mizu was aware of this, hence why she tested Akemi's mettle in the brothel knowing she was the princess all along, trying to get under her skin instead of the other way around- "You thought I wouldn't recognize you?" casting back to the very intense first sight exchanged between the two on the bridge in ep 1. Mizu looked up with little interest, yet the stoic samurai's jaw dropped upon their prolonged eye contact and she tracked the palanquin long after Akemi had left her line of sight. It's implicit that love, friendship, and weakness represent Akemi, Taigen, and Ringo respectively. When Ringo questioned why Mizu let the princess go, she stated that Akemi's "better off" almost following up with "without me." She didn't deem her marriage to the Shogun as favourable, hell, she was unimpressed by the fact that Akemi was trying to save her doomed engagement with Taigen, telling her she's "begging to eat trash" despite being a "magical forest creature," who could have anything she wants. Mizu still considered it the lesser evil as opposed to spending time alone with her.

This isn't the case with Taigen, whom she is decidedly more comfortable with even though he threatens her, and calls her slurs. In part, Mizu believes that she deserves the hatred. She's more familiar with it. With her past where she was the demon as opposed to the future where she could be loved. Imagining true love is cruel for Mizu so she rejects it and embraces her darkness. It protects her from people actually seeing her as a person. As a whole. She can loathe herself in peace. She can be a vessel of revenge. She even promised Taigen the duel he wanted to up and kill her in exchange for his honour. Believing she won't have much to live for after concluding her revenge. Akemi is not the same. She never wished to hurt Mizu, going only so far as to try and drug her, until Mizu made her believe she killed her fiancé. Akemi was soon able to see Mizu's honour when she fought alone against the Thousand Clawed to protect Kaji's girls. Akemi was bent on helping, braving the trained men to protect Ringo and then to save Mizu's life from the man who almost choked her to death.

I will forever love the detail of her vulnerability in the face of death being mirrored by Mizu's own intimacy with Mikio in the flashback, letting her body serve love over rage for once. Engaging in sex was a huge step towards transparency on Mizu's part. Also, the fact that Akemi, in her little capacity, wielded her knife and pulled the clawed men away from unconscious Mizu, trying to keep their focus on her. Knowing she could very well die. She tells Ringo "I have been a captive my whole life. If I die, I'll die free." And then she goes upstairs saying "Mizu can't hold them off alone." Acting, most likely, out of a place of love. I was also warmed at the instances of Akemi trying to "drug" Mizu before she took on the bitter task of killing Kinuyo and then a few scenes later "slapping her awake" from a burning memory of betrayal. When her father's men came to fetch her, Akemi did not doubt that Mizu would fight for her after she did the same for her, hence her asking for her validation "I'm not going anywhere... right, Mizu?". And Mizu would've fought them for her, what's 3 more men after a whole army? But something prevented her.

To ruin Akemi's strong faith in her then... as opposed to later? When more of her ugliness had spilled before the princess? When both their hearts were more open to be scrutinized by the other? Madam Kaji and Swordfather Eiji are both the motherly and fatherly advice Mizu sorely needs. That fighting is an art, not independent of loving. Mizu cannot evade love if she is to take on a bigger war. She cannot do it alone and the story's purpose keeps circling back to the same lesson. Fighting from a place of hatred can never be stronger than fighting from a place of love. Akemi, evidently, was hoping to seek refuge under Mizu's protection. She is loyal, as she was to Taigen even though he abandoned her in pursuit of his lost honor. But Mizu's betrayal broke her heart. At the end of the Bunraku play in ep 5, Akemi confessed that she met the Onryo but that it was "incapable of love." That she searched his eyes for "love or mercy or good," only finding darkness. Both Mizu and Akemi weighed the merit of love in each other, Mizu pushed Akemi away because she felt love and Akemi avoided Mizu because she felt her lack of love.

Taigen, Mizu's former bully, did learn to respect her as a fighter and comrade. Representing their growing camaraderie, how they fight alongside. Mizu told him about Akemi getting married off to the Shogun's son in her duty to him as a friend. Upon learning that she abandoned Akemi, Taigen is also reasonably pissed. Mizu is on the precipice of the rebirth of her katana. Swordfather is justified in being wary of her guilt and darkness, refusing to aid in her pursuit but only guiding her by way of asking her to seek peace, to unify herself. Which she does by adding Chiaki's broken blade (which Taigen took), Akemi's knife, Eiji's tongs and Ringo's bell into the forge. She is ready to make amends by going to save Akemi, to encourage her to leave with Taigen, to be honorable as Ringo wants, and to find peace as Eiji wishes. And ofc to fuck the shit out of Fowler.

Akemi's repeated assertion of "we are not friends" (accompanied by the angy eyes) when Mizu comes back to save her is reflective of that heartbreak Akemi felt after relying on Mizu for her freedom before. Mizu tries to fix this by showing her a way to Taigen, trying to do right by her, asking "Do you still want your freedom or not." To give her what she wants even if she disapproves of Akemi's choice when she states "He's not a good guy, but he could be a great one." Seki too, gives Akemi a share of her dowry he saved to build a free life "With Taigen, or without." Akemi did end up rejecting the idyllic runaway Taigen was willing to embark on, it is hard to say Mizu would take it as an opportunity to make a move on Taigen after deeming him unsuitable for a partner. It would be against her nature to try to jump in as a lover just because Akemi's out of the picture. Not when she's so hot on the track of striking down Skeffington and Routley. It's pretty straightforward if you ask me.

Mizu is focused on going up for a bigger war. To seek the truth. To turn London upside down to kill all the four white demons that sabotaged her life since conception. This is parallel to Akemi deciding to stay and take control of the Shogunate through her powers over her decidedly meek husband. To take control of her life against all the odds that seek to box her up. I do not doubt that she will move to include Kaji and her girls in her retinue, subdue her father's machinations and rebuild Edo, and wrest power from whoever threatens her. Love doesn't seem to be on her cards. Kaji told her to choose a path of freedom through a man, not to choose a man to love like she'd been doing all along- "Stop running to and from men and decide what you want for your fucking self." Could this mean that Akemi is to never chase men romantically? Either way, Akemi follows through pretty quickly. Takoyoshi is a means to an end. Her sexual prowess was her first tool to entry into the Shogunate. Nothing more than an instrument of control as opposed to her initiating any sort of genuine romantic bond.

I fail to see as of now where Mizu and Taigen's paths collide romantically further since the latter clearly showed his intention to abandon all pursuits of greatness and to settle down. Which is vastly opposed to what Mizu and Akemi are bent on doing. I see a lot of potential there. If anything, Mizu would quite possibly need Akemi's refuge if she were to return to Japan in the wake of the London chaos. They are foils of each other. On the opposite ends of the spectrum with the same stories. Poor-rich, blue-red, water-vermillion, darkened-fair, streetsmart-booksmart, warrior-prostitute, bastard-pureblood, masculine-feminine, caged internally- caged externally, widow-new bride. Both deal with same vindictive self-serving parents. Mizu lost her stand-in mother in ep 5, and Akemi lost Seki at the end of ep 9. Mizu the crashing waves and Akemi the rising flames. Both women. Both so alike yet so different. Mizu's name is pretty straightforward, meaning "water." However Akemi's can be written as "bright sea" or "vermillion beauty" While vermillion is Akemi's colour scheme, "sea" is likely her connection to Mizu.

I find the sex in the show to be representative at best. Borne out of duty or manipulation rather than true love. Just because Akemi and Taigen had sex was no testament to the endurance of the depth of their relationship, same as Mizu and Mikio's wasn't. Akemi's alliances with men have always been influenced by the need to go with or against her father and never her independent choice. Same as Mizu merely agreeing to her mother's insistence on marrying and settling down. I liked the juxtaposition of Mizu being submissive during sex and Akemi being dominant, both with Taigen and Takoyoshi as well as in the brothel. Here, I would extend that this isn't their true nature. Both in marriage or the brothel, sex is labour meant to cater to men. As Seki said a woman can only have fixed paths- "Proper wife or improper whore." I can't imagine Mizu or Akemi being happy as either.

Akemi for the most of S1 only wanted to be loved but was being forced to use her lovemaking skills to steer men into agreeing with her. Playing the improper whore. I imagine that in a safer intimate relationship, she would enjoy being on the bottom, to be protected and pleasured instead of always being the pleasurer. Mizu on the other hand, was shown to deliberately downplay her physical agencies during her marriage, to pretend to not know knife throwing or what she wants during sex, thus settling for whatever her husband had to give lest he feel inferior. I would imagine she'd prefer to be loved in all her proactive masculinity, to not be forced to submit. To not be forced to be the proper wife.

Mizu has repeatedly been shown to dominate people unthinkingly, her safety lies in her being on top and knowing what she's getting into. We saw a glimpse of that in the brothel with Akemi under Mizu where she ordered the princess to "get down." The colours from their respective sex scenes blended into one, inky blue on Mizu's end, warm golden on Akemi's. Mizu immediately doses the princess on pursuing worthless men and then Akemi soon willingly submitting to Mizu's protection while thinking of her to be a man. They both tried doing the rightful wife thing, both tried to save their marriages with their husbands as best they could, to be the ideal women even after both men bailed on them. But now they are liberated. Akemi is free from her father and on the path to rule Edo, Mizu is on her own with Fowler, to pursue her revenge in London. Both are relentless in their pursuits. Akemi's "No one refuses me" and Mizu's "We're going to the 9th level" is one and the same. Unstoppable force meets immovable object. Only time will tell. I rest my case.

[dyns33]

Rafiq alruwh

I'm not sure yet if this will be a Bane x reader oneshot or not.

I like it like that, but I could find ideas for part 2. My only problem being that I still need to finish others Tom Hardy's characters story, while wanting to write Feyd Rautha stories.

As much as Y/N listened to these stories over and over again, she couldn't imagine the feeling everyone would describe.

The moment your skin touched your soulmate's skin, and suddenly everything became clear, better. A feeling of joy and the burning need to stay by this person's side forever.

It was a rare phenomenon that scientists could not explain. It was completely impossible to know when this would happen, or if it would happen, because fate seemed cruel. Most people either didn't have soulmates or didn't have the chance to meet them in their lifetime. The world was too big and time too short.

There were still skeptics, who claimed that it was all nonsense, lies, invented by people blinded by love or who wanted to give themselves a certain gender. Only those who ended up meeting the person changed their mind, the others remaining too jealous to accept the truth, considering that it was only a romantic utopia.

Y/N wanted to believe in it. She dreamed of meeting her soulmate and experiencing this special moment.

Her parents were not meant to be together. It was visible.

In her entourage, she had an uncle who had had this experience, a few neighbors, a friend, and all had said the same thing.

What they had in common was that they were all good people. Maybe that was one of the reasons.

“You might have had to choose another type of profession then.”

"Mom…"

“I’m just saying that cop is not the most popular job in the world.”

"And I would say that choosing to be a non-corrupt police officer in Gotham is almost like being a saint."

"You'll end up getting killed, long before you meet your soulmate. I'll never understand why you wanted to be a cop, especially in this town."

There came a day when her mother's fears almost became a reality. The day when terrorists took the entire city hostage with a bomb, preventing everyone from entering and leaving.

It was probably not what she had thought when she talked about dying, but for several months, hidden with her colleagues, Y/N thought about her soulmate, trying to imagine this meeting that would probably never happen.

Staying mainly with Blake and Gordon, she tried to hide her pain, but it did not escape Miranda Tate, who took her hand with a gentle smile and asked what was tormenting her.

“We’re going to die here.” Y/N whispered. "I mean, I'm not afraid of that, that's the risk of the job. But… I didn't think it would be like this now. I wish I had met my soulmate before."

"Your rafiq alruwh. I didn't think many people cared about it here."

"My what ?"

"That's how my father called soulmates. I grew up with a lot of stories about it, because he and my mother were related. I prayed a lot to be that for one of my friends, but no. Our destinies are linked, but not like that.”

"Sorry."

"Even if I would have liked him to be mine, I wish him happiness and that he meets his other half one day. A being worthy of him, of his love and his protection. He deserves to be happy. You too, you seem kind. Maybe you shouldn't have been here."

Her words were strange, but Y/N didn’t tell the others. It wouldn't have changed anything anyway. Even though she had discovered that Miranda Tate had the detonator, that she was the real leader of the terrorists, the streets remained controlled by the militias.

As always, they were saved by the Batman. She had never really known what to think of the vigilante, protected by Gordon and hated by everyone else. He clearly wanted to help Gotham, but his methods remained illegal, and not necessarily effective in the long term.

His death was a tragedy, but not necessarily the end of a symbol. Hope was still there, even stronger, and the Gotham police were determined to ensure everyone's safety.

Y/N felt this determination too.

Still, she froze as she inspected the sewers with Blake and Ramirez. They too had a moment of hesitation, as their lamps illuminated a body. A huge body, sitting against the wall, face hidden by this frightening mask.

There had been a search for Bane and his men after the explosion. Witnesses said the Batman fought him, and won, but they found nothing.

Obviously, the terrorist had managed to drag himself here to die.

"What do we do ?" Ramirez asked shyly. “Should we put a bullet in his head ?”

"What ? Why do you want to do this ?"

"To make sure he's dead. I've seen a lot of movies, man, I know the mistakes to avoid."

She didn't approve of the speech, but Y/N agreed, it was necessary to check it out.

Feeling almost stupid, she moved forward slowly, her hand reaching towards Bane to see if he felt a pulse.

She didn't expect the large hand that quickly grabbed her neck before she could touch him.

Fear paralyzed her body, and yet there was something else. An indescribable, incredible feeling, which resembled happiness but more intense, which was absurd in this situation.

Y/N felt so lost that she didn't realize the hand was relaxing, just resting against her skin instead of squeezing and snapping her neck like it easily could have done.

"Habibi…" was the word spoken with difficulty by Bane, who stared at her with an indecipherable expression.

“Let her go right now, you bastard !”

Maybe he was as confused as her, or maybe he was too weak, but the terrorist didn't avoid Ramirez's punch, while Blake grabbed Y/N to pull her as far away as possible.

She stood still, not understanding what was happening, as Ramirez called for reinforcements, proud of having been able to knock out the giant, even though he knew as well as anyone that he would have had no chance. if his mask hadn't been damaged and he wasn't half dead. It was not possible.

Bane couldn't be her soulmate, Y/N refused to believe it. A man like him had no soul, not after everything he had done, and above all why would he be destined for her ? She didn't feel like she had committed a crime that deserved such punishment.

She was probably never going to see him again anyway.

If he survived to Blackgate, he would be locked there forever. Even if she had permission, she had no intention of visiting him.

But the feeling remained there, strong, impossible to ignore, demanding more. An incomprehensible need to be close to the one who had touched her, so that he would touch her again.

Y/N resisted. She gave her report to Commissioner Gordon, forgetting a few small details, and indicating that she did not wish to follow this case, leaving Bane's case to better agents than her.

This seemed to surprise him, as he considered her one of his best people, but he accepted.

However, it was impossible not to think of her soulmate, since the whole town was only talking about him and his arrest. The television was on loop every day, and her colleagues thought they were doing the right thing by keeping her informed of progress.

"They say his face is horrible. I think there are photos in the file."

"I'd love to see that ! I can't imagine that fucker at all without his weird mask. Do you think he has a normal voice without that thing ?"

“I can go get it so we check.”

Ramirez's gaze met hers as he stood, and without her needing to speak, he knew it was best for him to sit back down and change the subject.

Y/N didn’t see the photos. She absolutely didn't want to.

After several weeks, she asked to take a vacation, claiming to still be traumatized by what had happened to her, in addition to the near destruction of Gotham. She needed some time to rest.

Turning off all the screens and her phone, she tried meditation to clear her mind, so she could get some sleep and forget that her soulmate was a crazy, half-dead terrorist who would soon be judged.

This miserable attempt being a failure, she turned her phone back on shortly after midnight, only to be bombarded with calls and messages, coming from several colleagues, Blake, and Gordon.

"What is happening ?" she asked, calling the Commissioner back.

"Damn, I almost sent men to check on you, you weren't responding ! Where are you ? Are you okay ?"

“I’m at home, why ?”

"Don't panic. Blake will come get you."

“Gordon, what’s going on ?”

"He hasn't said anything since his arrest, keeping very quiet, and then yesterday Bane spoke. He asked to see you, giving your name. The other agents are categorical, it's impossible that he knows ot, no one told him. The agent simply replied that you were not on the investigation, and even on vacation… Damn, he…"

“Gordon, what ?”

"He escaped, Y/N. We don't know how. No one knows where he is, or what he's going to do. But since he talked about you, I don't want to take any risks. Don't move, John will come right away."

She could have told him that she knew very well why Bane had spoken about her, and that it was undoubtedly necessary for her to leave without delay, but fear held her back.

Even if it wasn't her fault, what would the commissioner think when he learned of her connection to the fugitive ? He was a good man, but all men had their limits, and she would be the first to be wary of someone designated as Bane's soulmate.

After hanging up, she jumped out of bed to grab her gun and shoes, ready to wait for Blake to arrive in her living room.

Y/N froze in the middle of the hallway, seeing the huge figure standing between her and the front door.

His face was covered by a scarf, his posture a little less proud than in the videos she had seen of him during his city hostage situation, he appeared to be in pain, but it was obvious that if she tried to pass, he would retain her without the slightest difficulty.

“Habibi.” he whispered, and indeed his voice was different without his mask, more human. "What a joy to see you again. More beautiful than I remember or on pictures. Will you come with us without resistance ? I don't want to hurt you."

"Hands in the air." she replied, pointing her gun at him, ignoring the urge to hug him. “Don’t move, my colleagues are coming.”

"I admire your sense of duty and honor, Habibi. But I will not return to prison, ever again. And I will not leave you either. I thought of you every day. Is your neck healed ? I need to repair my wrongs to you.”

“I said, put your hands in the air.”

“So you leave us no choice, Habibi.” he sighed, looking behind her.

We. He said we, and someone gave him her name. Y/N reacted too late, one man grabbing her gun, and the other not holding her shoulder, injecting something into her neck with a syringe.

In an instant, she found herself on the ground, her vision blurring, but her body not panicking, as it was invaded by an incredible sensation. Bane had reached out to hug her, his eyes smiling as he ran a hand over her cheek.

"It's okay. I'm taking you home, rafiq alruwh."

All her life, Y/N had waited for this moment, this feeling, this sentence. She told herself that the stories we said to children were really stupid, as her eyes closed.

[animeomegas]

What if Itachi returns to the village and meets the Alpha he was in love with before. They clashed more than once while Itachi was in Akatsuki and now Itachi may want to try to improve relations. Or Itachi will avoid Alpha. There's so much potential for drama.

Yess, this would be such a good part of the Itachi lives AU.

I don't think Itachi views himself as someone worthy of forgiveness. I can see him avoiding the alpha, or being overly formal if he has to interact with them, until they confront him.

I also reckon Itachi has his chakra permanently supressed so that he can't access it anymore, as part of the agreement for his re-entry into Konoha. Sasuke would throw a fit about that, but Itachi agrees, because honestly he doesn't mind.

He's probably living in a very small, dingy flat as he figures out what to do for a living now. He won't accept clan funds because it doesn't feel right. He's just miserably keeping to himself, occasionally spending time with Sasuke in neutral territory as they slowly, slowly rebuild their relationship.

And it's up to the alpha to confront him. To drag him to live with them, or help him find a job he actually likes, or just offer to slowly get to know each other again.

Itachi now has to find a dream when he's never been allowed to think of that before. This version of Itachi never has children. The only child he might ever spend any time with is if Sasuke has one. So what is his dream?

I think it depends on how the people in his life steer him, but I think it would be lovely if he started a plant nursery. Itachi enjoys bringing life, spending time with plants that don't stare or judge, and learning something that isn't going to kill anyone.

This whole AU is super interesting haha, I could talk on it forever, but I'll stop for now! <3

[queerprayers]

Hello! I'm a genderfluid Christian and I'm currently trying to discern whether going on HRT would be a good idea, both in terms of whether it would be worth the inconvenience and whether it would be glorifying to God. Do you have any recommendations?

(For a long time, I was comfortable in my gender without it, but a few months ago something shifted and now I can't stop thinking about it. I would ask a pastor, but I'm between churches at the moment; the Baptist church I went to for many years, despite its many good qualities, is not at all affirming, and I'm still in the process of finding a better spiritual home, which is further complicated by the fact that I am nocturnal.)

Thank you for running this blog, by the way. It means a lot to me.

Hello, beloved! I will do my best and I'm so glad you're here.

I hope you've heard this quote from Daniel M. Lavery, but just in case you haven't: "As my friend Julian puts it, only half winkingly: 'God blessed me by making me transsexual for the same reason God made wheat but not bread and fruit but not wine, so that humanity might share in the act of creation.'"

Another quote from that book (Something That May Shock and Discredit You, which I highly recommend) that comes to mind is “Trying not to transition was the hardest work in the world. The nicest thing about transition was letting go.” I believe you that you're unsure, and I'm not trying to make your decision for you, but on the off chance that any of your discerning has taken the form of trying to convince yourself not to transition in this way, or downplaying your current discomfort, or not trusting yourself out of fear, I'd say that being trans in this world is hard enough without being on your own side.

Ultimately, you know yourself and your experience, and I'd hazard a guess that you've already decided more than you think. Often by the time I'm reaching out about a life change, I'm asking permission more than advice. If that rings true, here's your permission (not that you need it from me).

I hope you don't mind, but I checked in with my partner (a certified Transgender) while answering this, and I'll paraphrase what they had to say about HRT and inconvenience: Is the travel time to see a loved one worth the inconvenience? Ultimately, you are worth dealing with inconvenience. The happiness you could have is worth the inconvenience. Being trans is hard with or without medical transition. But sharing in the act of creation is worth it. We are all worth doing hard things for, and for some that includes fighting to get on HRT and being visibly trans in public.

You can't know until you begin a journey if it will be "worth it"—but I would imagine answering this for yourself, giving this instinct inside you a chance, would be worth it even if it's not forever. There are people who start HRT and decide it's not for them—and their lives aren't ruined. Their lives are fuller for honoring what they wanted at that point in time. Obviously regret happens—but we cannot refrain from living because of that. Your gender identity and your relationship with your body may change and grow, and all parts of that change are worth of honoring.

As to whether this would glorify God—are you honoring the person God created? If (to paraphrase St. Teresa of Ávila) Christ has no body now on earth but yours, if yours are the hands with which he blesses all the world, the feet with which he walks to do good, the eyes with which he looks compassion on this world —what body are you moving through this world with, and how will you care for it? What will enable you to live out Christ? Jesus calls us to meet every stranger as himself—what would happen if you met yourself as such, too? If everything we do to another is what we do to Christ—feed, clothe, honor—why would you be any less? Why would your body not be worthy of existence, of shelter?

If our bodies are temples to God, are they not places of worship? Of course my journey with accepting my body has shown me that we can be faithful Christians before accepting ourselves, and as we learn to care for ourselves. I don't mean to imply we cannot. But our peaceful existence in these places of worship takes work, and just as we work to make our churches more accessible and accepting, so must we work to care for our bodies and fully inhabit them as prayer. My work of love to my body was accepting it as it is, welcoming its change and faults, and also taking psychiatric medication so that I could function better. It was prayer for me, the journey to find a medication that worked and paying attention to how it was changing me, how it enabled me to better serve as a child of God.

Every trans person I know has been more fully able to love when they live as themselves—when they've had access to transition care, when they've been respected and affirmed. These were not selfish choices, they were self-honoring choices which have shone outward ever since. We can look to the Bible to see name changes at moments of God-glorifying change, and we can also see physical change—the shining face of Moses, the woman who only seeks to grasp the hem of Jesus's clothing to be healed, Paul going temporarily blind, Jesus himself at his transfiguration. We cannot serve God and stay the same.

Romans 12 tells us to offer our bodies as a living sacrifice—living. Yes, we are called to be willing to die for love, but also to live for it. Preventing your flourishing because it would be scary, or inconvenient, or misunderstood, or because it may not be where your flourishing lies forever, is not a sacrifice for love. Transition, the way I've seen it in the people around me, is.

I also want to point out that you've done the work—you introduced yourself as a genderfluid Christian. I don't know your story, but I know the years of reconciling saying those words can take. You have the language for yourself. You know who you are. HRT can be a huge first step for some, but it can also be just the next part of that work. It doesn't have to be huge. For some it is simply bringing things more in line with the self they've known all along. Make it a big deal if that feels true (and it is a big deal in terms of bravery and access), but it may become just one of many ways you care for yourself. You don't have to cater to those who see it as drastic or an emergency, those who fearmonger or want you to prove you need it. You've done the work, so trust that you are capable of making this decision.

It is your God-given right to make decisions about your body. As Christians, we believe we are called to serve God with those decisions. But God gave us the reins. God gave us all different skills and stories and paths. It is not easy or obvious and sometimes we circle back or regret or repent. God gave us the capacity for those kinds of stories, too. Be human with God—our God who entered into time and space, who participated in our having-a-body-ness, who reconciled the ways his body held him back and the ways he could serve with it. Jesus's relationship with his gender/body/health is not something we're privy to but from other parts of his life we can assume it was a participation in his time and place—a 1st century Jewish man. In the communities you're a part of, with the resources you have, with the identities you have welcomed, how will you be human with him?

I don't know what healthcare is available to you where you are, but a good doctor can tell you the side effects, refer you to counseling as you make choices, give you dose and timeline options. Even if you don't end up going on HRT, seeking out trans-inclusive healthcare and community is a good choice, and I would recommend learning your options. If you can't stop thinking about this, trust that it's worth taking seriously.

I wish you all the best in finding a church/community—there are people equipped to love all of you, and you deserve to find them. I relate with the nocturnal bit—I know Catholics usually have a Saturday night service, and every so often another kind of church will. Online community can fill gaps and give us other ways of connection as we look for physical communion. I wish I could promise affirming religious spaces in every place, but I can only pray and work for that to someday be the case.

So, to answer my lover's question, the travel time to see a loved one is worth it. The journey to the you more full of love is worth it, and the journey to find a spiritual home is worth it. If we are pilgrims on this earth, may the things in our control be done with love, may our journeys be faithful, may our bodies be Christ's body, trusting in the Love greater than anything we can do. How you will be a steward of God's creation is not something I can answer for you, but I believe in your ability to sow the seeds within you. HRT may be the next part of your creation—you can give yourself some time, talk to some people, sit with the idea, consider how you would handle regret, and don't let me tell you what to do, but ultimately there is only one way to know, and waiting until we're sure is stagnation if it is not an active waiting.

To quote my Easter/TDOV post: Come to life, beloved. God sees you. The first steps out of the tomb may be stumbling, the dawn too bright, but we will meet you in the garden, where you were first created. Bring with you whatever is still bleeding—Jesus believes in you, touches the ache in your ribs. Mistake him for a gardener; let him plant you anew. Look to the wound in his side, see how it births the Church, and continues to until there is room for you. Look through the holes in his hands and see the world you were redeemed for, the self that you have already found or may only imagine. God made the grapes, and Christ stands in the winepress with you. Trample out your wine.

And lastly, to turn the patron saint of receiving sacraments presenting as God calls, even unto death, Joan of Arc's affirmation into a command (and purposely quoting an angel in the process): Be not afraid. You were born to do this.

<3 Johanna

[beforeimdeceased]

SNOW ANGEL

i'll angel in the snow until i'm worthy ❄️

🌨️ but if it kills me i tried

if it kills me ⛸️

pairing: ex!ellie x reader

synopsis: ellie shows up at your door in the dead of winter, years after your break up.

warnings: su!cide attempt, alluding to alcohol addiction, no comfort and no happy ending.

authors note: this is short! i’m on my period rn and i am honestly so devastated for absolutely no reason so i decided to write about it. loosely (completely) based on my very sad experience with an ex. if any of you beautiful people need someone to talk to i am always here. i’m always an option.

you’re everywhere. at the bottom of the bottle, at the bottom of the glass. ellie couldn’t shake you. not even in the winter under the warmth of other girls. that’s why she was knocking at your door tonight. for the first time in months.

well not really. she’s always almost about to knock. almost did last week until she heard you laughing with friends. almost two weeks ago until she heard your drunkenly stumbling around, kissing some girl. always almost, almost always.

but tonight she couldn’t help herself. knuckles burning from the cold outside, she knocks three times. it takes you ten seconds to anwser. she counted while drawing shapes in the snow on your porch railing.

“ellie?” you barely breathe. too much floods your mind at once. a kiss on your neck, flowers on the first date, her smile. her laugh, god you hadn’t heard that in forever.

“come in, you must be freezing.”

do you offer her soup or tea? or maybe the warmth of your heart? the remains of your love laying flat on your bathroom floor? that night, the knife. the pills, the whiskey.

who tries to kill themself with their mother’s switchblade?

“i’ll take the tea thank you.” she blows into her cupped palms, shivering. she looks awful but not drunk. just battling a thought. probably the one telling her to get the hell out of there.

“how’ve you been?” you ask. you’re trying to be polite but it’s fucked to act like you don’t have eyes. even after all these years, she’s still torn. guilt ripping at her from the inside.

“i’ve been pretty good, got a job fixing cars. taking some classes downtown.” she shrugs, looking down at her feet anxiously. she leans onto her left leg, twisting the right in the air slightly.

you sigh. something close to but not quite relief washing over your body. at least she’s busy? you can’t look at her. everytime you see her face you want to break into a slew of tears. hold her, hit her, blame her, apologize. why’d you invite her in again?

“i don’t think i ever said um…” she starts. the tea is screaming on the stovetop. “wait, hold that thought.” you flash a small smile and rush to grab it. she wishes you wouldn’t have. would she have the courage to finish what she was saying when you came back?

the anwser is no. you returned to an empty space in your front entrance. cold air flush from the door. all you want to do is throw the cup at the wall and watch it break into a million pieces. maybe it’ll help the anger. maybe it will mend the tears in your heart. maybe it’ll ease your own guilt, your own ache.

you didn’t understand. she was so happy that week before. you were going to a dinosaur exhibit for her birthday that friday. she was visiting joel’s grave everyday. she was drawing so many pictures of you and the house. you saw her ring shopping online.

what could you have done? how could you have known? could you have known?

[tricksterringmaster]

another long very chaotic personal rant, getting it out there (again, i know, i absolutely hate myself too for it, no one really needs to read it, but i just feel better having it posted)

i hate so much when there is THE ARTIST in fandom. a big figure whose art become the face of characters, the face of the ship and everything.

there are ofc always big and small artists, but it's just so fucking overwhelming to see these particular people. especially when they grow out of nowhere in several months, achieving results you can only dream of and for which you will probably never have enough time, talent and what not.

i tried so hard and got so far but in the end it doesn't even matter or whatever linking park said.

sometimes i just want to get a little lucky at least fucking once instead of contantly grinding, living on 4 hours of sleep and moving like a fucking turtle in everything, no matter how much time i spend and how hard i try.

i want to be praised on these fucking discord servers without dragging my art all over the place like a seller person on the market. i want someone to use my art in their stupid slideshow on tiktok. i want them to get it and post it as illustration for some quote they liked on twitter. hell, i don't care, steal it, sell it, say it yours. for me it just means you love it so much, with my paranoia i won't be able to make money from my art anyway in this fucking country.

i want to feel like what i do makes sense and worth it in the end.

would be nice to feel like that about things irl too, but it seems even more impossible, because i'm absolute failure of a person.

i know i need to be happy and grateful about what i have, i need to compare myself to my past self, but it's just not what i feel at all. my past self had quite some moments of being better than me now, even if this self wasn't aware of it in these particular moments.

life feels so fucking unfair, and i feel jealous, angry, petty, overwhelemed, miserable and "i should stop sleeping at all, take 100 courses to get better, do 1000 tutorials, do more sport, eat even less, do better, better, better NOW" about it. and stop fucking crying, because it's petty and no one needs it.

i also feel so fucking guilty about being happy about occasional nice comments and words only for a moment, instead of focusing on them for longer times, i can't fight these dread and anxiety of feeling insignificant forever. these days it's worthy throwing a party if someone decided to say something nice, but i feel happy for a day and then get back to feeling like shit.

i also feel guilty for wanting these things when i know people who have it even worse. but just knowing that someone had it worse is perspective, not particularly a better feeling. i feel bad we all have it so bad. i'd prefer us all to succeed and achieve what we want. find communities, find love, find appreciation. and be fucking happy, be content, not on the constant "happy for a moment and then dread-dread-dread" rollecoaster that never fucking stops.

all i see is not the light at the end of the tonnel, but the tonnel at the end of the light and it gets closer and closer, darker and darker every other week.

i know that i'm annoying and talk about feeling bad often these days, but it just how it is. sometimes you are a mess and you have to live through it, hoping it all will end one way or another.

i'll talk with my therapist about it, but my next session is only on friday, so here is some extremely chaotic self-reflection. i need to survive this thursday and part of friday to get there and somehow work in process. there is a prospect of losing a job now, but no one knows anything, haha. sometimes it feels that good news are out of stock at all.

[incleoseyes]

Words Hurt!

For the longest time I have been told that what people say about you shouldn't matter and yeah it shouldn't matter.

It does matter though especially when those words lead to someone being hurt.

Words can do irreversible damage.

But what happens when the hurtful words said were spoken at the most vulnerable time in your life. What happens when those words are spoken to a pre-teen trying to find their place in the world?

It's hard enough already trying to fit in but when your peers, the people you seek validation from, begin to point out all your flaws it becomes a whole different story. Well in this case words do matter!

The things said to someone at their lowest and most vulnerable will stick with them for who knows how long. The teenage girl starting puberty you call ugly or too unattractive to be liked by a boy or whoever it is they like will forever remember those words.

HARMFUL WORDS STICK WITH PEOPLE!

Your entire self-concept can be damaged and altered for a long time just because someone made one comment that they thought meant absolutely nothing!

YOU ARE TOO TALL! YOUR NOSE IS TOO BIG! YOU ARE JUST OVERALL UNATTRACTIVE

You aren't attractive enough to be given a sideways glance but somehow even being considered attractive can be such a hard thing.

You may think these words mean nothing when spoken but it means a lot to the person receiving these words.

Why is it that people who are unattractive are too ugly to be treated like a human and someone who is attractive is also unvalidated?

'They are too attractive to have any problems going on in life' and comments like this makes them feel unvalidated, like they aren't even human nor worth the validation.

In that case I'll say it we are human perfect doesn't exist!!

Words carry weight! In a world where being unkind is so prominent please always choose to be kind!

As someone who was considered unattractive by my own peers and sometimes made to feel awful about my weight and appearance by friends and family that shit stays with you. I am 19 almost 20 still struggling with self-acceptance and self-love because of comments made when I was 12 about my appearance.

With that I will always choose self love and acceptance. Grow my darling leave the past behind and be someone YOU are proud of! Validate your own feelings because no one can help you other than yourself.

Don't stay trapped in that bubble of insecurity, love. It'll only ruin you. You are beautiful, smart, kind and sooo much more than what the rest of the world thinks. Life begins when you choose to take charge of your own and put yourself, your needs and happiness first.

There's no room for self-hatred or self-sabotage in your life.

If I could go back in time and tell you how beautiful and worthy you are I would because you deserve it more than you know.

Love yourself more than anything, there's only one you.

All my love

-Cleo

[hannamoon143]

...👀👀👀👀👀

Imma ask all😔✨

1. What song makes you feel better?

2. What is your go to comfort show?

3. Reading or writing? Why?

4. Whats your favorite feeling?

5. How do you like to take care of yourself?

6. What’s your favorite candle scent?

7. Who do you feel most like yourself around?

8. Whats a fabric/texture that’s nostalgic for you?

9. Best childhood moment?

10. When was the last time you laughed so hard you cried? (or just felt really good afterwards)

11. Do you have a comfort item? Tell us about it!

12. What calms you down?

13. Bath or shower to relax?

14. Whats something upcoming that you’re excited for?

15. Comfort food ?

16. What’s something you want to create soon?

17. How do you feel best loved ?

18. What age in life do you think you’ll feel most yourself at?

19. Have you ever written or received a love letter?

20. Tell us about a memory you hold close to your heart.

21. Tea, Coffee or hot cocoa ?

22. Name of your favorite playlist?

23. Have you ever received flowers?

24. Who is your bestfriend ?

25. If your soul was a color, what would it be? 

26. If you could live anywhere with anyone you want, where would it be and who would you bring?

27. Do you like to garden? Have you ever grown something?

28. What are you proudest of?

29. Arw you a kind person ?

30. What do your hobbies look like ?

I'm sorry it will take time for u to answer but I'm a curious person so 😔💕✨

Take your time <333

omg thats so cutei😭💕 let's start

secret secret by stray kids, and sweater weather <3

hmmm i'd say gilmore girls, and the drama "it's okay to not be okay"

i personally love both, i love reading cause i can escape reality,also if it's just for a few hours. i love writing cause i can express my feelings so naturally, other than with speaking😅

the feeling when i'm doing something that really makes me happy, and i can just forget everything else

hmm when i feel drained i like to take a long hot shower, and afterwards jsut go to bed and read a comfort book, or when i'm in public, i take my headphones and listen to music

ohhh i love vanilla candles

when i'm alone and with @darqlys

When i was with my that time best friend at night at a little hill, we were watching fireworks, and i thought everything would be perfect forever

hmm i'd say raw cookie dough, and the blanket i have for rlly long now

hmm tbh i can't really remember

soo i think in a way my headphones are my comfort item, cause music brings me a big comfort, but also my old plushies i'd say, and that may seem weird but i keep all letters i ever got, and to this day i still read letters from people who i now not even have contact with anymore, but sweet words from people who loved me once or love me are something that brings me comfort too.

music

shower

hmm i guess i'm excited for christmas

rice.it''s light, never made me feel sick or smth and its also not unhealthy so yea

i hope to create a work of writing that i will be really proud of, and can say that i'm really satisfied with

physical affection. i love love love hugs and stuff, but also loving and appreciating words make me feel really loved and worthy

hmm maybe when i was a child around the age of 6 or maybe in some years

actually i wrote one once, but i wrote it together with another girl and it was really embarassing, cause the guy never said anything about it except thank u so it was really weird after.but i love the memory of it😂

the memories with my old best friends,yes all of them. i was always myself, and there wasn't a day where we didn't have fun together.

hmm i love tea and coffee, but i think i'll go with tea.

it's just my favorites

no

@darqlys

hard question, it'd be navy blue ig

i would move to japan, korea, or somewhere scandinavian with @darqlys or alone

yes i lowkey like it, and yes i've grown some things before

my family for being so strong even through real shitty times, and @darqlys, i'm proud of u all the time

oh that's hard to say😅 idk how other people see me but i try to always be kind.

i mostly write, read, listen to music, and yea that's it, kinda boring ig

yes that's it ig💕

[conjuring-ghouls]

I lost my best friend on Sunday.

Life feels sad ever since. Sitting on my bed and not having her immediately come to my lap, or waking up without her weight and warmth on my legs feels excruciating. It's like having a lump in your throat that never leaves, or like being kicked so hard in the stomach that you're out of breath. Only this feeling is constant.

I oscillate between the terrible feeling that a massive part of my life is missing and the comforting sensation that I've accomplished my job in giving her the best life I possibly could. A sense of relief that she got to spend her last days with us, near me and her last minutes in this life in my room, in my bed (or her room, her bed, that she was kind enough to share with me).

Ugh… the only certainty we have in this life is the one of death, either way, I'm still always impressed at how much it hurts. Of how unprepared we are to deal with the excruciating reality of not having someone we love anymore. Of how in one minute they're here, and in the next they're not. Our brain struggles to process this fact. Yet, we keep going because that's all we can do.

Blume, I'm just so glad we've spent SO much time together throughout the years because I have all these nice pics of you. I'm happy that at least I could tell you everything I had to tell you in these last days. Even if it was hard, even if i couldn't help crying while holding your tiny little paw. But when you looked back at me with your big yellow eyes, I knew you were understanding me.

Even if you couldn't understand exactly my words, you were feeling the energy I was trying to convey to you when I told you that our love and connection is so strong that it overlaps the meaningless barriers of life. When I promised you our love is so strong and unique that it will make us meet again. Souls that connect this much, find their way to each other, one way or another. We are bound to meet again, in this life or the next.

And if you can see my pain rn, I hope it serves as evidence of how much I loved you, of how much you've meant to me, of how thankful I am that you chose me as your human. No other animal has ever done that to me before. Between a house with five people, with no evident reason, you chose me. It's been always hard for me to see myself as worthy of good things, but I keep thinking that if you loved me, if you saw little details in me that gave you comfort, maybe I'm not that bad.

So I'm gonna keep going and every time that life feels hard and hopeless, I'll think of you and keep going for you. Because if you trusted me, maybe I should trust myself too. Because I know that's what you've wanted.

In regards to tumblr, I need time. I will get better, I will address things and will accept this lost as I slowly get used to a life without her. But I need some days.

And to be honest, if I'm taking something from this time I've spent away, is that I haven't been dealing with tumblr and content creating in the best way lately. I've been neglecting my own feelings and mental health and attributing my worth to what I share or how much time I spend here. And this isn't healthy.

There are so many things out there we end up missing if we're too stuck in this mindset. A whole world around us that we go blind to. I will be back soon. But I need a few days. I hope you'll all understand ♡

Meanwhile, stay with these silly pictures of her. I couldn't go anywhere without her following me around and I couldn't take a mirror selfie or in fact any picture at all without her showing up in the bg, so there's plenty!

Rest in peace, my love. I will forever love you. Thank you for loving me when I thought no one else could ♡

[tw1stedthicket]

You know, what? I feel super fucking salty. About kinda everything related to my former time in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. But in this moment in particular, salty that there isn't quite a developed way in their system to address people who wish not be contacted unless those people pursue the legal process of having their names removed off the legal church records and petitioning the help of them to "undo a contract of religious affliation". I've told people a few times before that I do not wish to be contacted, but I still am, and I know the reason is because there's not really a way for them to have a continuity of records that demonstrate lack of membership. Right? Like that makes no sense. If you don't wanna be part of it, then your name oughta be removed. But they have to keep it on there. I wish there was a way to like, "inactivate" it in some way. Maybe add a note with some days of correspondence where I stated I wished not to be contacted. Maybe that's the part of me that works administrative stuff in healthcare talking? Or the part of me preparing to document every note as a counselor? But I have enough sympathy for these people who contact me that like, they don't know any better. Especially because most of the people contacting me are new to the area. Also, me personally, I feel like my deconstruction would have been impossible had I not had people around me who showed me the clear dichotomy over time of people who were grounded in reality, accepting of the broader world, and legitimately intended to do so for the sake of unconditional love and friendship, and how irreverent it was but in the best, most authentic and fun way, and that was holy all on its own.

So I just kinda feel like, what the fuck is the point of targeting my hurt or anger at people still members. It's just gonna come across to them as mean-spirited and bitter. Nobody deserves harrassment either I might add, which sucks ass already because missionaries do get that from people; and although I believe in my heart that they're doing fucked up shit by audaciously trying to convince people to move from their own convictions to believe a con by a dude from the Second Great Awakening of American history that ended up spawning a church that functions mostly like a corporation (rich ppl at the top getting paid and making investments and people at the bottom earnestly trying their best to achieve worthiness) - I do also believe in my heart these people think they're motivated by love, that would have them leave their family if asked and tell other people that they can be with their families "forever" because of the restoration of the ability for us to "seal" families together in our church and by our authority from on heaven, and they would only be hurt because they are too mired in mind control right now. I've been waffling on about my desire to remove my records from church membership whilst still living at home and what PR shit that might cause for my TBM father and brother, but. I can't honestly say that being contacted every once in a while is like, all that offensive. It's a different story for others who have people try to "bear their testimony" at them or show up at their house unannounced. But I did kinda think of something.

I've tried to imagine what I might say to people a million times over, but. I think if the opportunity comes. I'm gonna flip the script. I won't shun them away like others. I won't invite them to try to argue the ins and outs of books of scripture, or answer for things they have been trained to just default to "I know it's true blah, blah, blah." I'm just gonna meet them on their level. Earnestly tell them I feel compelled by the Spirit to say that God loves all his children. I won't get into the weeds of belief or disbelief, because who the fuck knows and who the fuck cares anyway - live and let live, to me. But I'll say, God loves all his children. He loves you, missionaries. He loves me too. He made us all in His image. And I'll come out to them right there. "I'm a lesbian. And I know God loves all of his lesbian children." "I know God loves me enough that He wants to see me again with my wife, and my kids, and my family, in heaven with him throughout the eternities."

Let them sit with that. Sit with the notion that no, actually, God doesn't love you enough to save you, and you seeing him again isn't actually part of his plan. His plan is for you to prove yourself through perfection to be worthy to even stand in his presence. Let them try to find a way to worm around the fact that my future wife and kids *aren't* a family. Let them try to say that this vision of love and how clearly I feel it isn't actually love, that God actually hates sin, oh - but we don't hate gay people! Let them try to wrestle in their mind why their God has damned some people He made that there's no way they couldn't just...change the temple ceremony, right? There's no way they won't ever allow gay people who earnestly want to fall in love with people a way into the church and into heaven, right? That anybody gay they know who has a heart and wants to love, technically loves *different* than them, and it's a love that God can't stand to be in the presence of...but what if they can? What about how they can stand in my presence and feel that I am human? Will they reject that? That will be a question for their spirit and conscience.

I have a lot of quandries about why I left. But it will never happen until it touches your heart, your sense of humanity, your love for others, your integrity, your conscience, your deeply held idea of "choose the right" -- even "choose the harder right". I believe they feel it. I once did. Not my job to do anything for them. But I'll meet them where we are and let them chew on that, if ever given the chance, I think. Until one day I remove my records. And then one day, if they get married in the temple, and they decide to have kids, and their kid grows up, and one day their kid comes out to them, hey. They might think of me. Think of my love for my family and my future family. And I hope they'll realize it's the same.

[wisteria-cherry]

in which the marauders don't take kindly to you being asked out and no one tells you anything

you were not unattractive, you knew that much, but there was a very specific reason as to why you so often found yourself single: the marauders. the first time you found out about this was under rather unfortunate circumstances.

"would you fancy a date?" a sweet hufflepuff boy named adrian, who was a reluctant member of the slug club and quite enjoyed muggle photography, had asked you on a date. he was cute enough, and he seemed nice enough, so you had no reason to say no; you'd love the chance to get to know him better.

"why not?" you remember smiling back at him. "let's talk about a time and place later."

however, when later approached, you got a response that you hadn't expected. adrian was soaked from head to toe, and had a small bit of kelp in his hair.

"i think i ought to call the date off." adrian stated, his demeanor sour.

"how come?" you ask, startled, and you glance him up and down. "what happened?"

"i stepped in a puddle thinking it would hardly get my shoes wet, but it was as deep as a pond!" adrian snapped. "they can keep you! no wonder you're single..." adrian stormed off, leaving you dumbfounded and confused. the confusion, however, lasted only a moment, diminishing upon the realization of just who "they" were.

"you pranked my date?" you demand, nearly tripping into the gryffindor common room. "how could you?" four boys looked up from their respective seats.

"what do you mean?" james grinned boyishly, not bothering to even try to hide his glee.

"i mean my date is soaked from head to toe, with kelp in his hair!" you exclaimed, throwing your hands up in exasperation.

"it's eelgrass, technically," remus chimed in (insufferably).

"you know what i meant."

"he was just so boring, love!" sirius whined, flopping back on the couch. "you couldn't possibly have thought that a date with him would go well. he's a wet blanket, the prank was fitting."

"i could've found that out for myself, sirius." you snap. "what was going through your head when you decided to sabotage my date? how long has this been going on?" suddenly, everything made sense. the way no one ever seemed to stick around, even when you knew you'd clicked. the boys exchanged looks, before looking back at you and shrugging.

the gall! you thought to yourself.

"we've just got to make sure you're dating someone worthy!" james said finally. "can't have you dating a complete washout, now can we?"

"james," you groan, but you really couldn't argue. you didn't want to date a washout, either, but that didn't justify their means.

"you dodged a bullet with adrian." remus slid a bookmark in his book, shutting it quietly. "he can hardly take a joke, either, pranks aside."

"i can't believe you're on their side." you exhale. "well, if i can't date who i'd like, who can i date?"

"you can date sirius!" james said loudly, and grinned widely, a gesture that soon spread to sirius as well.

"oh, shut up." you snort.

"i'll have lily, and you'll have sirius, it'll be perfect!" james insisted.

"what about remus and peter?" you raise an eyebrow.

“peter hasn’t got the guts to ask a girl out, and the way moony’s going, doing nothing but studying, he’ll be a bachelor forever.” james sent a pointed look at the two of them.

“i do too!” peter insisted. sirius snickered. “in fact, there’s a girl i’m seeing right now!” sirius’ snicker turned to choking.

“you? who on earth is seeing you?” sirius demanded.

“you’ve got a girl, peter?” you ask, startled by the sudden news. he’d never brought up a girl before.

“a very nice hufflepuff named olivia.” peter beamed smugly.

“a hufflepuff.” james groaned.

“that explains it.” sirius rolled his eyes.

“she’s quite nice!” peter said.

“at least he’s got a girl.” remus rolled his eyes at james and sirius. “you lot haven’t been able to convince the people you fancy to go on a date, and it’s been much longer that it has for peter.”

“yeah, at least i’ve got a girl!” peter gloated.

“listen, it’s only a matter of time before lily realizes she likes me.” james insisted.

“sirius, you fancy someone?” you look over to the gray-eyed boy. “who?”

“it’s a secret, love.” sirius grinned boyishly. “no girls allowed.”

“no fair!” you protest indignantly. “sirius, i want to know too! i deserve to know! i can help!”

“i don’t need help, i quite know what i’m doing.” sirius said calmly, nearly infuriating you more. james snickered.

“yeah, she’s practically swooning over him every time he speaks to her,” james teases.

“she does? but i thought—“

“not now, wormtail,” james interrupted. “she can’t know, it’ll ruin the fun.”

“remus!” you turned to your friend for support, but remus glanced at sirius (who, behind your back, was shaking his head ‘no’ madly) before shaking his head sympathetically.

“sorry. afraid i can’t.”

“you lot are the worst, no wonder peter’s the only one with a lady.” you groan, immediately causing an uproar from james and sirius.

“alright, now—“

“hey!”

hopeless.