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devildom-moss · 9 months ago

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January poll story

NSFW - Barbatos x MC - Nightbringer AU + monsterfucker + breeding + ovipositor kink

(Barbatos x gn!MC)

(NSFW) (plot heavy) (dom!top!Barbatos / bottom!sub!MC) (monsterfucker; breeding; ovipos/eggs; slight degredation and humiliation; but mostly praise; oral - receiving; penetration - receiving; two dicks; aphrodisiac-like effects; overstimulation; slight dacryphillia/tears; slight dubcon at the beginning; cheating adjacent?; mentions of aftercare) (no body specification for MC, and yes I made it work so he can breed any body) (Barbatos as Nightbringer + AU) (kinda fucked up plot)

Word Count: +5,000 (new longest single character fic. Sorry? Why does this happen when I write monster Barbs)

A bittersweet pang struck your chest when you received an invitation to the Demon Lord’s castle directly from Barbatos. Even the way he had phrased the invite was reminiscent of future Barbatos – the demon who adored you. When you were sent back to the past, your relationship began anew, and you were forced to face him while craving the loving affection you had worked so hard to earn. Deep in the pit of your stomach, a nagging guilt bit at you every time you were around this past Barbatos, wishing for an unbecomingly familiar show of affection. You knew you would return to the future someday, and you were certain you wouldn’t be able to make him fall in love with you before you left. Was it so awful to want him to pull you into a quiet hall and kiss you to breathlessness before returning to his duties? Were you really as monstrous as your guilt believed for wishing this version of Barbatos would need you so desperately that he milked every second he could spare just to sate his desire for you?

All the lust and love that you had quelled came back, overflowing, when your D.D.D. buzzed last night while you were preparing dinner. Solomon had been so kind as to leave the kitchen and allow you to cook in peace. Barbatos’s name, accompanied affectionately – and delusionally – by a green heart, appeared on the screen.

Barbatos: Good evening, MC. I was wondering if you would do me the honor of visiting the castle tomorrow. The Young Master is set to attend an overnight party hosted by the House of Lords. I was not permitted to accompany him this time. He’ll be gone for nearly three days with the travel. It’s been ages since I’ve been apart from him for so long. The thought of it makes me anxious. Your presence seems to put me at ease. As such, I would appreciate your company if you could spare some time for me. I eagerly await your response.

Your heart swelled as you stared down at your phone. He wanted to see you. It almost sounded romantic. Your gushing was interrupted by the hiss of evaporating liquid; your pot boiled over.

“Shit!” You shoved your phone into your pocket and rushed to the stove. Everything was fine, but you sighed at the mess you were going to have to clean – and you couldn’t do that until you changed burners and allowed the dirty one to cool.

It wasn’t until you had finished cooking and went to message Solomon that dinner was ready, unlocking your D.D.D. only to see your chat with Barbatos, that you remembered: you never replied! Solomon could wait the one minute it took for you to respond to Barbatos.

MC: Sorry! I had some kitchen trouble, but it’s fine now. I would love to see you.

Barbatos: Excellent. I will see the Young Master off at 7am. You are welcome to come by any time after that. I look forward to it.

You arrived at the castle that afternoon, anxiously wondering how you would interact with Barbatos. You hadn’t spent much time alone with him, and you weren’t as close as you were in the future. Maybe this version of Barbatos was slightly different than the one you knew, and you wouldn’t mind getting to know him better, but to him, you were practically a stranger. Every intimate detail you had shared was resting in his mind, millennia from now. Still, you wanted to be around him, so you were determined to find some way to enjoy your day. Maybe you could bake together like old – well, future – times.

“Good afternoon. I’m so pleased you could make it,” Barbatos greeted you at the door with a grin, stepping aside to let you in. “I apologize for the late notice. I didn’t interrupt any plans, did I?”

“Not at all. My day was clear – and even if it wasn’t I –” you stopped yourself short. You wanted to tell him that you would have cleared it just for him, but that seemed far too intimate for your current relationship.

“If it wasn’t?” Barbatos urged you to continue.

“I –” you tried again, “It isn’t often that I get invited to the castle. I would have made the time.”

“How kind of you.” Barbatos chuckled, covering his smile in that shy manner you had come to adore. “Would you be so kind as to follow me as I finish up my rounds? I’d like to ensure everything is in order before I can devote my full attention to you.”

His words made your heart race, reviving some long-deceased hope that he would fall for you in this timeline. Perhaps the future had a much stronger impact on the past than you expected it to. Your face felt warm as you nodded.

Barbatos walked along side you at a leisurely pace, only taking a step ahead to guide you in one direction or the other and to open doors for you. He maintained polite chatter, mostly asking about your week. You hadn’t been walking very long before you realized you were heading deeper into the castle – namely towards the labyrinth. Even in the future, you rarely went near it, so as you got closer, the castle looked increasingly unfamiliar. You wondered if the rumors about the torture chamber below the castle had formed already or if those claims would come later. It felt eerie to head towards them now, but you figured it was part of Barbatos’s duty to check them during his rounds.

You continued through dark, stony halls – lit only by the dim candlelight from the sconces lining the walls. It seemed that the flames gradually appeared as you walked ahead. Had you bothered to look back, you would have also seen them fade behind you, leaving the dim corridor in pitch-black darkness. The creepy atmosphere was getting to you, and you inched closer to Barbatos. His smile widened slightly, but he didn’t comment.

“Do you go down here every day?” you asked him nervously.

“No, not usually, but I haven’t checked the labyrinth in a while. It’s necessary to monitor the candle levels and keep an eye out for leaks or potential . . . pests. I figured now was as good of a time as any. It can be a boring walk by myself.”

A large iron door stood at the end of the hall – one which seemed to require magic from Barbatos before it would open. He ushered you into a room, lined with iron-barred cells. As he shut the door behind him, you scanned your surroundings. There were no other visible doors – no clear point of exit. You turned back to look at Barbatos, confused.

“Why did you close the door?”

Before you could get an answer, Barbatos pushed you against the cool stone wall, holding you still from behind. One gloved hand grabbed your wrist while the other snaked up your neck seductively. The sensation reminded you of when Barbatos would get desperate for your body – how his greed would take over until his hands were wandering over you like some horrifying colonial effort, ready to claim you no matter the cost. Had you not loved him, or he not loved you, that greed might have terrified you.

“I know why you’re here,” Barbatos whispered in your ear.

You were confused and suddenly afraid. The realization hit you again: this was not your Barbatos. He might be suspicious of you, and that made him dangerous. Although you had seemingly gotten along well with him so far, especially during the preparations for RAD’s opening, there was a chance that he harbored doubts about your presence in the Devildom. This version of Barbatos could kill you.

“Please,” you whispered, afraid – although you weren’t certain what you were asking of him. He shifted into his demon form, still holding you firm in his hands. His breath burned on your neck. Your fear eased as you felt his tail slither up one of your legs and caress between them, leaving a slick trail over your clothes, but the confusion remained.

Did he want you? If so, he was so much harder to charm in the future. Was this what you had been hoping for? He was rougher than the Barbatos you knew – that much was evident in the tight grip he had around your wrist.

“We’ve met in the future, darling. And from what I’ve deduced, you’re so important to me that you could make me want for more,” Barbatos spoke, letting the words tingle on your skin. You shivered and turned your head slightly to meet his gaze. His hand slid away from your neck, and he bit his glove, tugging it off before discarding it on the cobblestone floor. That warm, bare hand slipped under your shirt, feeling your heart pound in your chest as his tail continued to tease you through your clothes. With a chuckle, Barbatos licked up your neck, flicking your earlobe with his tongue before pulling away. It felt hotter than usual, and your skin burned where his saliva began to dry. You moaned, earning a satisfied hum from Barbatos. “It feels good, doesn’t it? He gave us a century before my decision – how generous. It seems I learned to calm my urges a good deal over the years, but he forgets himself – myself,that is. I’m not the patient man you know. I don’t need a century to decide to claim you.”

“I don’t understand,” you spoke through gritted teeth, trying to hold back your moans. Nothing he said made sense, and it took every bit of restraint to focus on him instead of the pleasure he inflicted upon you.

“About a century from now, I secretly cemented my commitment to Lord Diavolo. I made it so nothing in the world could take my attention from my master. It seems that you, my dear, have convinced me that was a misstep. You see, a century after the brothers fell, I learned a spell that could permanently sterilize anyone – even a being as powerful as myself,” Barbatos explained, still unnecessarily close to your ear. “I wanted my service to Diavolo to guide the rest of my life, but then I met you. The Barbatos you know couldn’t let that stand. He wants to make you his in every way possible.”

“Wh-what are you saying?” Your words gave way to another moan as you tried to unravel the information through a haze of lust. All you could understand was that Barbatos – the one you knew – loved you more than he anticipated, and that was, somehow, related to why this version of him was touching you, rubbing your thighs and between your legs with the perfect pressure.

“Nightbringer offered you ‘the path to happiness . . . a place that will bring you more joy than any other.’” The words sent a chill up your spine. How did he know the exact words Nightbringer had told you? Barbatos slid his hand down to your stomach and pulled you flush against his body until you could feel him, hard and pressing into you. Somehow his touch – which should have distressed you – put you at ease. The familiarity of his body was a comfort in the confounding fear. Barbatos kissed your neck so tenderly that tears welled in your eyes. “Your happiness is his, my dear.”

“Barbatos, please,” you begged sweetly – almost whimpering for him. This time you were certain: you were begging for his touch. As long as he kept touching you like this – the way your Barbatos might, you could handle whatever he was trying to tell you.

“You can call me by my other name: Nightbringer. I – the version of me you know – sent you here to push you towards a blissful life with him, where he has given you every part of himself. In other words, darling,” Barbatos brought his lips up to your ear, “I brought you here to breed you.”

Barbatos licked up your neck again. Every touch filled you with dizzying ecstasy. There was a familiarity in the way his lips and tongue teased you, how his fingertips grazed your skin, and the way his tail toyed with you; but you had never felt this good before. Something like guilt joined your pleasure to push fresh tears to the corners of your eyes. This was Barbatos – in another epoch; he was yours in a way, and somehow still not the demon you had fallen in love with. It seemed wrong that a version of him who had yet to fall for you would make you feel so much better than the one you knew – not that you had ever found sex with Barbatos lacking, but he felt like another demon entirely. You didn’t understand why you felt this way. Could your weeks of unresolved desire have made you this sensitive to his every touch? Your legs were already trembling.

As if he had read your mind, Barbatos added with a chuckle, “And as for why your body reacts so well for me: without the sterilization spell, my pheromones haven’t been slowly dulled over millennia.”

“You mean. . .” you wanted to finish your thought or at least sigh in relief, but all you could do was gasp and moan as his tail squeezed your thigh.

“I mean that my body can bring you more pleasure now than you have ever had. Poor MC, you had the misfortune of meeting me too late. But in this time, something as simple as a bit of my saliva can make you shake and whine like some desperate slut.” Barbatos relished the way you clenched your jaw and shut your eyes. You looked humiliated yet so aroused that the embarrassment almost didn’t matter. He snaked his hand back up your chest and neck. With a single, forceful finger, he tilted your jaw until you faced him and captured your lips in a ravenous kiss. His tongue teased you, leaving you breathless and panting. Your head spun and your mind went blank. When he finally pulled back, you followed his movements with a needy whimper. You wanted more. He smirked. “There. As cute as you look when you’re embarrassed, I’d much rather see that need burning in your eyes. There’s nothing to be ashamed of. He wanted this for you.”

There was a protest somewhere, drowning and gasping for air in your mind. This Barbatos had never seen you unravel at the edge of orgasm. He had never seen you blissed out. Hell. He had never even seen you in your underwear before. It was like having your first time with him all over again. You had every right to be embarrassed – especially when you were already in love with Barbatos. This version hardly knew you. You were at the mercy of a demon whose desire could never match yours; it was mortifying.

“And, my dear, if it’s any consolation,” he added, “my pheromones would have no effect if you were not such an arousing little human. I want this, too.”

Barbatos turned you around, pushing your back to the wall, and kneeled before you. His eyes were dark, and you couldn’t help but notice the pale pink blush on his cheeks as he pulled your clothes down and exposed you. He wrapped his tail around one of your ankles and pulled your leg over his shoulder.

“May I?” he asked with an obscene politeness, as if your chest wasn’t heaving and you weren’t a mess for him.

Your face burned as you nodded, too ashamed to speak the words – and too aroused to hold back your lecherous noises had you opened your mouth. With your permission, he brought his mouth to your entrance, licking you hungrily. His bare hand rubbed you gently – adding to the stimulation one slow stroke at a time – while his other hand dug into the flesh of your outer thigh. With a low growl, Barbatos plunged his tongue inside of you. He sounded so sexy. Everything burned, and all you could think to do was cover your mouth to dam the flood of moans as you came at the mercy of his tongue and hands.

Barbatos gave you a soft lick before pulling back and staring up at you. He was panting and flushed, and his eyes had a familiar amorous glint. “You’re reacting so cutely. I’ll admit, I was drawn to you before, but if you keep showing me those lewd faces, I’ll never want to let you go.”

His words warmed your pounding heart. Perhaps it was wrong, but if you could have found the strength to speak, you would have begged him not to let you go. Of course, you knew, that was your lust-drunk mind speaking, but you would have said it, nonetheless.

Barbatos let your leg go and reached up to take your arm, tugging you down and cushioning your fall as you straddled him. He shifted so that you were sitting in his lap. Your flustered face brought a grin to his lips and sent a wicked shiver up his spine.

“Take my shirt off,” he instructed. You stared at him, further embarrassed by the realization that you were the only one completely exposed. Barbatos waited for your compliance, but with an untrained patience, he sighed. “If you want me to fuck you, do it.”

Your fingers moved quickly to unbutton his collar, trembling and fumbling with the top button. Each button of his shirt and coat got easier. You could feel his heartbeat pounding through his clothes – and even more frustrating, you could feel him throbbing in his pants right between your legs.

“So good,” he praised you sweetly, staring at you with half-lidded eyes, once his clothes fell to the floor. “Pants now, darling.”

You went to unbutton his pants, grazing the bulge with your fingertips. Barbatos growled and rolled his hips up into you, making you whine.

“Careful,” he warned you playfully, tapping his fingers up your thigh to squeeze your ass. You bit your lip and tried to refocus your attention on the task at hand – or rather, under your hand. When you finally got his pants and underwear down, you ogled at a sight you had never seen before. Barbatos chuckled mischievously. “Oh dear, from the look on your face, it seems I forgot to mention something. That’s another side effect of the sterilization spell. His never comes out. Such a shame.”

You were speechless, staring at his two dicks beneath you. You had never seen the second, longer, thicker cock below the other. It was less human, too, and had the same shimmering glean – with the same teal lightning veins running along it – as his tail. Your mouth felt dry. Your lower lip was trembling.

“You seem to like what you see. No wonder I fell so hard for you,” Barbatos teased. He pulled you closer, guiding your body until he had aligned his first cock up with your hole. You felt him rub against you, smearing his precum on you. It sent a jolt of pleasure into you that spread out every which way through your body. Barbatos leaned in, sucking at the base of your neck, and riling you up even more. Your moans filled the room. This was agony – a beautiful, enticing torture. Content with his mark on your neck and your response, he pulled back just enough to whisper in your ear. “Now sit.”

Your legs shook as you lowered yourself on his first cock, feeling the second one rubbing against the curve of your ass. It felt so good that you were eager to take him all the way. Without him even asking, you started bouncing on his cock in slow, deep thrusts, savoring the way he filled you up. If your body had the strength, you would have been quicker. It wasn’t long before the pleasure was too much for you. You clung to his shoulders and tilted your head back in ecstasy.

“Barbatos,” you moaned his name as you came. Your legs gave out beneath you, and you fell flush against his lap, pushing him deep inside of you.

Barbatos clicked his tongue, “I suppose that was cruel of me to expect you to do all the work. Please allow me to help you.”

Wrapping his tail around your waist, Barbatos rolled you onto your back gently so that he was leaning over you. He pushed your legs up towards your chest as he bent down to kiss you. There was a sentimental sweetness to it that clouded your head further. Barbatos began to slowly rock his hips in and out of you. Every thrust had you whining against his lips. Even Barbatos found it difficult to hold in his voice, moaning into your mouth. He picked up his pace.

Suddenly, his tail’s grip around your waist tightened, and Barbatos began to move your body for you like you were his personal toy. You felt too good to be ashamed by it anymore as your moans mixed with the harsh slapping of skin. He twitched inside of you and broke the kiss to stare at you. The sight of your writhing beneath him pushed Barbatos over the edge. He pulled you against his hips with one final slap before he filled you with cum.

It drove you mad; his cum felt like an aphrodisiac pumped directly into you, leaving you trembling and whining. Barbatos gave you a soft, tender smile as he pulled out. His cum began to leak out of you, but Barbatos used his tail to lift your hips higher so he could lick it up, allowing it to pool on his tongue. He pulled you close enough to kiss you and slip his cum-coated tongue into your mouth; it was a shame to waste it, after all. You swallowed, feeling the warmth flush your face and spread through your body. Desperation flooded the pit of your stomach – aching for a break and for more simultaneously.

Barbatos admired the look on your face. He had never seen you lose control like this before. To say he was enamored would have been an understatement. Cool fingertips slid down from the base of your neck to just above your navel – as if he was trying to feel the way your body tensed with the threat of another orgasm. You moaned and begged through ragged panting, “Please, Barbatos. I can’t. I can’t take anymore.”

“Oh?” Barbatos asked, amused. He used his tail to flip you over so that your chest was pressed against the stone floor. His tail loosened its grip around your waist, only to take hold of your hips and raise your ass higher. Barbatos laughed with a darkness that struck you with fear, especially when he bent over to lick behind your ear. He could feel you shiver against his chest, which only excited him further. He cooed, “But we’re not done yet, darling. That was just preparation, I’m afraid. I told you I was going to breed you, didn’t I? Have you forgotten? I’m part serpent; I still need to fill you with my eggs. I need you to be good and take a bit more for me.”

“Eggs?” The word caught your ear. Did everything with him have to be so new?

“Yes, you heard me.” Barbatos curled his tail around your thigh and pulled your legs farther apart. He rubbed you sweetly while he continued to explain, “You see, not only does my sperm fill you with ecstasy, but it also prepares your body so that my eggs can absorb your DNA through their membranes. It’ll take parts from both of us – we’ll make a hybrid.”

Even through your exhausted, cum-drunk fog, you tried to break down his words. You could really have a baby with him? The thought had never seriously crossed your mind – you had always assumed it wasn’t possible. You’d never heard of a hybrid before. Something about the thought of having children with Barbatos frightened and thrilled you all at once.

“You’ve been so good for me, so I’ll do all the work. You just have to lay there and take it, alright, darling?” Barbatos whispered into your ear as he aligned his second cock with your hole.

His first thrust was slow and tender. You squirmed and stretched your arms out in front of you, grasping for something to anchor you. All you could do was claw at cobblestone as pleasure pushed you to tears. He was so big. It might have hurt if your body wasn’t overcome with a euphoria that numbed every other sensation. He could have clawed your thighs apart and made you bleed, and you were certain you wouldn’t have felt so much as a sting. Barbatos picked up his pace, pushing you over the edge again. You tightened around him, causing him to groan.

“You feel so good,” Barbatos panted and moaned in a ubiquitous tone. You were unravelling him. He throbbed inside of you. With another pleased groan and a few more bucks of his hips, you were filled with a new sensation. As Barbatos pulled out, an egg pumped into you. Your pleasure at the feeling almost sickened you. Why did he have to make you feel so good?

“Barbatos –” Your thoughts were interrupted by a wave of pleasure as Barbatos rubbed his second dick against your entrance again.

“Not yet,” he panted. Barbatos leaned in to capture your lips in a feverish kiss. Slowly, you felt him thrust back inside of you, pushing the egg deeper. It pressed against your walls, clouding your head. When Barbatos broke the kiss, he laughed sweetly – almost innocently in your ear. “Wouldn’t twins be cute, my love?”

“I –” you tried to form the words: you were going to cum again. But Barbatos hushed you affectionately.

“They’re soft-shelled eggs, you can clench as much as you want, and I can pound into you as rough as I want, it’ll be fine. Don’t think. Just cum for me.” You couldn’t tell if you hated him or loved him for being able to read your mind. When it was your Barbatos, you had always loved it – even when he flustered you. You let go and let another wave of pleasure overcome you with a loud moan; you were going to drown in this feeling. Barbatos’s adoring voice broke through your afterglow. “You sound so lovely when I make you cum.”

Barbatos drew noise after noise from your lips as he continued to fuck you. One of his hands slipped between your legs to rub you as he filled you with another egg. He didn’t pull out until he felt you clenching down on him, on the cusp of another orgasm.

“Don’t fight it,” he whispered. Barbatos continued to rub you with his hand and slipped the tip of his tail inside of you, swirling the forked ends.

The faint glow of magic – more specifically, a summoning spell – lit up your dim corner of the room. Barbatos produced a plug. He removed his tail before pushing it inside of you. As he rubbed a gentle circle around the surface of the plug, it glowed, lighting up the palm of his hand in a pale teal color.

“Why?” you forced the ill-formed question out weakly.

Barbatos crawled around your shaking body so he could look at your face. Tears streamed down your cheeks from a mix of pleasure and panic. He brushed a stream of tears away with his thumb. “Don’t be afraid. I needed to magically seal you up until my eggs have had a chance to soak up your essence. They should be fertilized within two days. Then, we can take them out. They can mature in any warm environment after that until they’re ready to hatch. I’ll take good care of them, darling, and I’ll take good care of you, too.”

The tears continued to flow. With his help, you got to your knees. Barbatos took advantage of your position to lean in and kiss you. This kiss was more tender than before, as if it had been filled with all the affection of your beloved Barbatos. His fingertips ran up your arms and shoulders, causing you to shiver. Everything felt new and terrifying; every touch consumed you.

“Relax, my love. I’ll take such good care of you,” Barbatos cooed and kissed your cheek before standing up. He began to gather his clothes and redress himself. It didn’t escape your unfocused attention that he was still hard as he pulled his underwear on. While he got dressed, he asked you, “Now, will you be good and let me carry you up to my room? Or do I have to keep you locked up down here until you’re ready to return to the demon who sent you here? And before you answer, just know, I would much rather run you a bath, wash every inch of that precious body, serve you something delicious to eat, and spend the rest of our time alone serving you in other ways.”

You were afraid to be left alone, still hazy, and weak from pleasure. Desperate for comfort from the demon you loved, you nodded and took Barbatos’s extended hand. He pulled you into his arms and embraced your naked body tightly. His touch still burned and excited you. He whispered into the crook of your neck, “Thank you. He – the future me – requested that I thank you for giving us this gift, but I want to thank you on my behalf as well. I’ll be so good to you. I swear it – and you know I do not take promises lightly.”

“I know,” you whispered. Your arms reached up to hold him back. Even if the Barbatos you adored could be wicked and cruel sometimes – even if all you had in this time was a crude likeness that had bred you, the love coursed through your body. This was alright. You could handle this if it was for him. His happiness was yours.

A/N: I tried really hard on this one, so I hope y'all like it. I still don't know how I feel about it. I've never written ovipos before. Also, would you say it warranted an 8 in the depravity ranking after reading it? Anyway, there will be a new poll for February up in less than an hour (Feb. 1 - 12am PST) That will be up for a week. Have fun. And again, hope this did something for y'all.

#moss poll fic #gn!mc #spice tier #barbatos #obey me #obey me barbatos #barbatos x mc #barbatos x reader #barbatos smut

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drunkenkissesatdusk · 3 months ago

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MATCHING BRACELET

pairings — oscar piastri x reader

warnings — none

summary — you love making bracelets, so it was easy to come up with the genius idea of making you and your boyfriend matching bracelets.

notes — this made me wanna make a version for five 😰 also i’ve read every yuki thing on this app guys please put out more 😞🤬 also woah no way it’s short?? i have such small motivation 😞 btw, working on requests!! expect soon maybe

━━━━━━━ YOU HAD A TALENT FOR MAKING bracelets. whether it be on a bracelet wheel, beaded, or a knot bracelet, you loved making them. more specifically, you loved making them for others.

your boyfriend knew that better than anyone else. it wasn’t a surprise that you’d fallen into a steady habit of making bracelets for him before he left.

his entire jewelry collection was either fan made or made by you, and he definitely wasn’t complaining — it always gave him something to talk about in interviews.

“can you make me one with green and blue?” Oscar asked late one night, his phone held in his hands, your face on the screen.

you looked up from your bracelet wheel, smiling and nodding. you had of course (read his mind,) already known he would want one. what he didn’t know, was the second part of your super totally secret plan.

that night, after he’d fallen asleep on the call, you had begun creating two bracelets. they both had hearts, but one had a green background and the other had a blue background, the same with the heart colors.

now all you needed to do was wait for him to come home, and you could surprise him.

he came home two days later, not only was it good since he’d just won, but because you also missed him an insane amount. he mentioned how he would be on a break for a little, and that made you happy.

originally, he came home late at night, finding you asleep in your shared bed already. he didn’t hesitate to take a shower and join you in bed afterwards, your body curling into his like muscle memory.

it didn’t take long for him to fall asleep either, relaxing into your comforting embrace and eventually he was sound asleep.

you guys slept until the sunlight creeped through the curtains, basking you both in a comfortable warmth that lasted as you slowly adjusted to the morning.

neither of you, by any means, had the plan to wake up and instantly do something. you cherished these mornings like nothing else, curled up to your boyfriend with the sun casting a warm temperature all over.

“‘morning.” he groggily muttered, wrapping his arms tighter around you, as if to mold the two of you together. you smiled into his chest, breathing him in. you’d missed him.

“morning.” you muttered, looking up at him. you shared a sweet and soft kiss. it was peaceful, there was no rush to spend every second together, because you currently were.

“i have a surprise.” you smiled wider, rolling over slightly and grabbing the two bracelets.

“you made two?” he asked.

“no, Osc, one for me and one for you.” you showed him the initials on the end of them both, and handed him one. he smiled, kissing your head. you both agreed to wear them later.

“now we can match. matching bracelets. i’ll never take it off.” he muttered, yawning.

“what about racing?” you scooted closer to him, closing your eyes.

“i’ll do the paperwork.” he muttered.

no surprise the two of you fell asleep again, waking up later that morning and spending another hour in bed.

your day started at 11:30ish that morning, and had officially began after you both helped each other out the bracelets on.

masterlist — reminder that asks / requests are open!!

#ceciljameswork #fluff #formula 1 #formula one imagine #formula 1 imagine #formula one #formula racing #oscar piastri #oscar piastri imagine #oscar piastri x reader #oscar piastri x you #oscar piastri fanfic #oscar piastri fluff #oscar piastri f1 #f1 imagine #f1 x reader #mclaren

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cj-schlatt · 4 months ago

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PLEEEEEASE DO “is someone sleepy?” with schlatt 😭😭😭

- 🩷 nat teddynivvy

Eeeee my first request! Thank you so much, Nat!! This was fun to write, hope you like it! <3

(Prompt list here)

It’s Saturday night, your favorite night of the week. Saturdays mean rest, sure, but, more importantly, Saturdays mean movie night with Schlatt. It’s something to look forward to, something that never fails to put you in a good mood, no matter how rough the week has been.

You take turns choosing what to watch, and this week, it’s your pick. You’ve been on a bit of a musical kick lately, and it continues with this evening’s selection: Little Shop of Horrors. You even have the original (superior) ending queued up to watch afterwards.

“Another musical?” Schlatt had groaned when you told him your choice.

“It’s a classic!” you’d insisted.

“You say that about all of them!” he’d argued, and, well, he wasn’t wrong.

You smile at the memory. You knew that, as much as he complained, Schlatt actually liked the musicals you showed him, even creating a Spotify playlist with his favorite songs from each one.

“How was your day?” you ask once you’ve both joined the call.

“Long,” Schlatt groans. “Glad it’s over.”

You can hear the tiredness in his voice. “We can watch this another time, if you want.”

“No, no, I’m fine,” he insists, voice softening. “I’ve been looking forward to this all day.”

“Me, too.” You smile. “Okay, ready?”

“Ready,” he confirms.

“Three…two…one!” At the end of the countdown, you and Schlatt both hit “play,” and the movie begins.

It’s going well, you think. You’ve gotten Schlatt to admit that “Skid Row (Downtown)” is a banger (he didn’t really need any convincing). He seems to be enjoying it overall, though you notice that he’s a bit quieter than normal.

It’s during Steve Martin’s “Dentist” number that you hear a yawn.

“Aw, is someone sleepy?” you ask, your voice taking on the same sweet, high-pitched tone you use to talk to the cats.

“‘M not,” Schlatt grumbles.

“Sure,” you say, not at all convinced.

At Schlatt’s insistence, you keep watching.

A few minutes later, you make some stupid comment about what’s happening on screen, but you’re met with silence.

“Schlatt?” you call out.

No response.

You pause the movie, and it’s then that you can hear Schlatt’s soft snores coming through your headphones.

You can almost picture him, still sitting up in bed, his head lolled to the side (he's definitely going to bitch about his neck being sore tomorrow). You can’t help but smile fondly at your computer.

“Good night, my love,” you say softly before ending the call.

A/N: Sorry, had to make reader a Little Shop fan because I’ve been relistening to the original Off-Broadway cast recording from 1982 (my favorite version) recently hehehe

#schlatt #schlatt x reader #x reader #cj's writing #jschlatt #jschlatt x reader

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beautysamour · 1 year ago

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I’ve done the math, there’s no solution.

✧ 𝐩𝐚𝐢𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠: miguel o’hara x reader

✧ 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐬: miguel o’hara

✧ 𝐬𝐮𝐦𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐲: in every universe you fall in love with miguel o’hara, and in every universe, it doesn’t end well.

✧ 𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬: angst, implied suggestive moment, italicized words in paragraphs mean it’s a flashback

a/n: inspired by that one trend where someone lost who they consider their true love and they say “in another universe we’re (something emotional to them. ex: you have my picture in your wallet).”

Being associated with Spider-Man was a risk in of itself. Wherever Spider-Man went, death followed close by.

“Lyla, make sure to shut everything down before I leave.”

Miguel craned his neck to the side cracking it in the process, he glanced at the digital clock, 6:30. Right on time.

“Ok.”

All of the projectors Miguel was previously watching still surrounds him as the platform began to lower. When it’s a comfortable height from the ground, he jumps off adjusting the tie on his suit that now took place of where his spider suit was.

As he was about to fully exit the room, the sound of a familiar voice paralyzes all the muscle in his body. “Lyla,” he nearly yelled out causing the artificial intelligent being to pause in her movements.

“Not that one. Leave that one on.”

“Uh, ok,” Lyla teleported to another screen not thinking anything of Miguel’ order.

Miguel practically ran over to the screen of where the voice came from, his thoughts growing frantic, it’s you.

He watches as he listens to your laughter, a laughter that he wanted to put into one of his serums so he could inject it into his system, allowing you to take over all of his senses, caused by a version of himself.

“Miguel, stop,” you said in between laughs making no effort to actually push him away, only making an effort to splash him with water and soap.

“Uh, boss,” Lyla popped out from behind the screen, “You’re going to be late if you don’t get going now.”

Miguel blinked remembering what he had plans for. Clearing his throat he nodded to Lyla and continued his way out the building.

—

Miguel was never interested in flowers but he always made sure to buy them for you. On your first date, your favorite flowers were settled in a vase to the side of your table restaurant. He remembers the way you tried to keep your calm as you glanced at the flowers ever few seconds, the way your eyes lit up and the forced control over the corners of your lips that you tried to keep down when ever you looked at the vase.

He almost stole it when you two left the restaurant, and it was at that moment that he knew he fell deep, and there was no way he was going to reach the surface again.

“That’ll be $35.99.”

Miguel had no idea how much money he’s spent at this flower shop, all he knows was that it was your favorite and nothing else mattered after finding that out.

The sun was starting to set and Miguel had everything he needed for your anniversary date. Normally he would still be at the spider society, making sure everything was in check, no anomalies running around in any universe.

He remembers an argument you two got into during your first anniversary. It had been a while since Miguel was in a relationship and he forgot all about what it was like to prioritize himself over work, and in return ended up letting you down.

He wasn’t even sure why it even turned into an argument, it was obvious you were in the right.

“I was in that restaurant for four hours! Four, before it started raining and I come back to you injured?”

Your hair was drenched from the rain, you immediately ran back to your shared place after getting a call from Jess telling you that he refused to get medical treatment. While yes you were upset that he was late to your anniversary dinner, you couldn’t deny that what really set you off was that he got hurt and was planning on throwing on a suit to cover it up.

“Mi vida,” he groaned out not wanting to argue with you. Why couldn’t you understand that he had work?

You seemed to have only gotten more angry, and Miguel braced himself as he watched you come over to him with a cold bag of peas in your hand—ready to catch it only for you to avoid his eyes when you stand in front of him, the feeling of worry and hurt making itself known in your eyes.

You press the bag of peas to his biggest bruise, “Today is our anniversary for getting together. I don’t want it to also be an anniversary for me loosing you.”

Miguel was sure he felt his heart break at your words, guilt finally catching up to him. He took your chin in his hand, tilting it upwards to force you to look into his eyes.

“Perdóname, mi vida,” his eyes softened as they trailed down to your lips, “I didn’t mean to worry you.”

“Yeah? Well, you did,” your voice slightly wavered at the end of your sentence. It wasn’t that you thought him incapable of protecting himself, you just didn’t want to see the day where you would get a call revealing that his skills weren’t enough.

He caresses your check and presses a kiss against your forehead, “From now on, I’ll make sure to communicate a sudden change in plans before leaving, does that sound ok?”

When you gives him a deadpanned stare he forces himself to continue, “I will make sure to leave work early during any special occasions.”

“And not go on any life threatening mission that lead to your stubborn self refusing help before said special occasions? Of course there are exceptions, like if it’s really really bad, but in general.”

He huffed out a laugh, “Yes. That too.”

Your eyebrows furrow as you truly look into his eyes, giving you a wounded look that makes his heart clench, and an indication that you were really taking his words to heart, “Promise?”

“Promise.”

Miguel was never the best with words, he preferred actions above else so when he finds himself unable to tell you how sorry he is, he decides to show it to you.

“Miguel,” you brokenly moaned as the feeling of pleasure built up crumbled upon you, allowing you to reach your peak.

You shivered at the airy breath that hit the skin behind your ears, Miguel’ fingers trailing up your torso leaving a trail of your own doing behind as he littered kisses along the side of your neck.

Your eyes shot open as you felt his fingers trail down your body again, “Cariño,” he sweetly says into your ear, “Let me make it up to you.”

He presses his lips against yours when you try to tell him it’s ok; you forgive him; you don’t have to cum again, but all those thoughts go away when he tugs on your tongue and babbles out the word, “Please.”

Miguel leaves the memory before it becomes too much, the imagery of you in such a debauched manner being too much to handle in public. Luckily he was just a few more blocks before he’d arrive.

The first step is always the hardest, but the next step after the first always seemed a lot more difficult at a place like this.

The flowers by you looked well, of course they did— they were new. Miguel was just here two days ago. He placed the new bouquet of flowers in a vase he brought from your shared home, setting them on the opposite side of where the other bouquet was.

As he brought out a handkerchief from his left pocket he lowered himself down on his knees so he’d be fairly leveled with your gravestone. He looked up and down, left side, right side, behind and in front and dusted off any dust, dirt, and pollen he could find.

Not to his surprise, there was barely any on it—on you.

For a few moments the only thing that would be heard by a person walking by would be the breeze and the sound of tree leaves brushing along one another. It’s only when Miguel realizes something that he speaks.

“I know why all the visits usually reside in silence now, my vida.” He looks at the engraved letters in front of him forming your name, the concept of breathing suddenly feeling uncommon.

“Really? Why,” he could almost here in your voice.

“It’s because you always started the conversations.” He paused, as if waiting for a response— no he was hoping for one. Hoping that he’d suddenly hear your voice from behind him, but he knew it was an imbeciles dream.

That pause lasted for a minute, then five minutes, then forty minutes, then all of a sudden the sun was setting.

The first step is always the hardest, but to Miguel, these last steps of every visit put that very saying to shame.

He’d be back again in a week, and a month, and a year later, and will probably never stop coming back but the other universe he saw today— the one of you and his other self— he felt that he had to get it off his chest now.

“You know, in another universe you’re laughing and splashing me with water as I tickle you.”

He waits again, and only silence gives him a response.

Being associated with Spider-Man was a risk in of itself. Wherever Spider-Man went, death followed close by.

#miguel o'hara x reader #miguel o’hara x reader #miguel o'hara #miguel o’hara x you #miguel o’hara x y/n #miguel o’hara across the spider verse #miguel o’hara atsv #miguel o’hara angst #miguel x reader #spider man 2099 x reader

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matryosika · 2 years ago

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Maknae Line: Love Languages and Sex

Wordcount: 6,250 words

Genre: Smut, headcanons and scenarios.

Includes: Skz maknae line members, female reader, dirty dialogues. Mentions of stress in Seungmin's scenario, and the tiniest bit of angst too.

Author's note: Finally, the maknae version is here! I know it took me a while, and I apologize, but here it is. This is all lovey-dovey, just sweet filth. I had tons of fun writing this, so I hope you guys like it. If you want, you can check out the Hyung Line version here. This is not proofread, and english is not my first language so I apologize in advance for any spelling or grammar mistakes. Enjoy!

If you wish to support my work further, please consider buying me a coffee! The job hunting has not been good pretty far, so every single tip is appreciated. Also, feedback, reblogs and comments/asks are very motivating for me to keep on posting. I love you.

Smut warnings: Dirty dialogues and curse words. Use of petnames, mutual masturbation (for Jisung's scenario), oral sex, face fucking (for Felix's scenario), cum eating (for Felix's scenario), shower sex (for Seungmin's scenario), choking (for Jeongin's scenario), body cumshot (for Jeongin's scenario), also possessive Jeongin because I love him so much.

Jisung: Physical Touch and Quality Time

"Is this one okay?”

Jisung has been scrolling for about 20 minutes over the movie catalog, trying to pick a movie for you to watch together.

A waste of time, you think. It’s not like you’re going to watch it anyways, and he knows it. But he still spares some of his time to try and find the right one, something you'd want to watch... or have as background noise while you two make out.

“Yeah,” the movie looks promising, but considering’s Jisung’s sneaky hand between your thighs while he mindlessly stare at the screen in front of you two, you’re really sure you’re not going to pay any attention to it. “That one’s good”.

Once the movie starts playing, you two settle in beneath the warm blankets with all sorts of snacks, candy and chips to munch from, happily enjoying each other's company.

Because of college and part-time jobs, it’s has been a while since you last enjoyed a chill, relaxed weekend with your boyfriend. Surely, he does everything he can to meet you throughout the week —a quick call between your classes to chat for a while, an unexpected invitation to eat or have dinner, driving to where you work so he can pick you up and drive you home… Jisung always finds a way to spend some time with you, even for ten or fifteen minutes.

That's why whenever you two are free for the day, he rushes up to your apartment, or ask you to meet in his, just so he can spend all day together with you. Sometimes you two go out and enjoy a nice dinner somewhere, followed by a late-night walk through Seoul’s streets. Some others, you’d rather spend your weekend at home, ordering take out and just unwinding together like you’re doing right now.

But almost always, such dates end with you two fucking like you haven’t seen each other in months.

“The screen is right in front of you, Ji,” you tease him, once you realize his undivided attention is all over you, and not the movie he allegedly chose because he has been meaning to watch it for a while now.

“I know,” he simply replies, tilting his head while his loving eyes keep staring at you.

You turn your face to him, defeated. “You know, ever since we started dating I’ve never been able to watch a 2-hour movie complete”.

Jisung smiles fondly, letting out a soft scoff. “Am I really the only one to blame?”

“That’s not the point!,” you can feel the heat in your cheeks when he says so, but you try your best to remain calm. “The point is that you’re not paying attention to the movie, and it’s really good”.

“Oh, so you’d rather watch the movie?” his teasing tone tells you that you’re most definitely not going to keep on watching the movie, not even if you tried.

And although you’re not a fortune teller, the sudden touch of his hand against your inner thigh proves you right.

“If this is what you wanted since the beginning, why bother spending hours looking for something to watch?” you hum, spreading your legs underneath the comforter, welcoming Jisung’s touch.

He gives you a mischievous look before returning his attention to the screen, leaving his hand between your thighs without doing anything further.

“You know, you’re right,” he sighs, cuddling into his spot. “We should watch the movie, we’re almost halfway through it”.

His touch isn’t foreign to your body, but that doesn’t mean you’ve gotten used to it. Every time he touches you, it feels like it’s the first time he ever does so. It feels like a spark of electricity, one that ignites your desire in no time.

“Yeah right,” you chuckle, shifting your position on the couch to get close to him. “You’re saying so like you’re not going to forget about the movie in 5 minutes”.

“Do you want to bet?”

Typical Jisung. His fun and always-down-for-a-challenge personality is probably one of the things that made you fall in love with him profoundly, so you smile at him. “Bet what? That you can’t keep your hands off of me?”

“You can’t keep your hands off of me,” he mocks you, staring at you with loving and playful eyes. “I’m just too handsome for you not to crave me all the time”.

You roll your eyes, but you know he’s right. There’s something enticing about him, something that captured your attention ever since the day you met him for the first time. You can’t think of going on a day without kissing him, or touching him, or letting him fuck you in every room of your apartment.

“Okay, okay, I think we’re even,” you tell him, leaving a quick peck on the corners of his lips. “You crave me just as much as I crave you”.

Jisung pouts because of the quick kiss, his hand moving from your inner thigh to your hip. “So we can forget about the movie, then?”

You chuckle softly, brushing your nose against his as he leans over your for another kiss. “It’s not that good, anyways”.

“No?” the dark-haired purrs against your lips, kissing you deeply while his tongue grazes yours. He only stops the kiss to let you breathe for a couple of seconds, but kisses you again right after. “Is this better?”

“A hundred times better,” you smile, still kissing him while his hand gets lost in the hems of your clothing.

Next thing you know, the comforter has been discarded to the floor and Jisung's running out of clothes to take off from you, only leaving you in your underwear. His hands touch and grope your body like it’s the first time he touches it, like he is just exploring it despite knowing it very well.

Jisung always touch you like he has been craving it for ages, dragging his palms over the sides of your body and pressing you against his to feel you even more, completely at all. He kisses and licks your neck and chest, letting out quiet moans in between, enjoying your smell and the way your skin welcomes his love bites by turning shades of pink and red.

You latch your fingers onto his dark, soft hair when he slides your underwear to the side, his fingers immediately offering you the much needed stimulation. You do the same, sneaking your hand underneath his underwear to find his erected cock that is already leaking, practically begging for your touch.

“You got one thing wrong, though,” he murmurs in between kisses, shifting his position on the couch just slightly so that you can comfortably masturbate him while he does the same for you. “I don’t think it’s possible for you to crave me more than I crave you”.

“Do you want to bet?” you chuckle against his lips, drowning a moan when you feel his cock throbbing inside your fist.

The more you jerk him off, the sloppier Jisung’s fingers get, and the more he stimulates your clit, the slower the rhythm on your wrist —it’s a neverending moment. You’re kissing while pleasing each other, moaning in between, losing the pace of your ministrations as you both chase your highs, murmuring sweet nothings under your breathes, interrumpting the kisses to look at each other with lustful eyes and furrowed eyebrows, parted lips and quiet whimpers.

It doesn’t take you long to come in each other’s hands, making a mess of yourselves and your underwear. You’re now dirty, and practically naked, so Jisung can’t lose the opportunity to change his mind about the movie.

“Do you want me to run a bath for us, baby?”

You’re sure you know how that is going to end, but you can’t refuse.

Felix: Words of Affirmation and Quality Time

You both have been waiting for this exact moment ever since the last time you saw each other. Which was two days ago, but it felt like ages.

Tonight, you’re supposed to attend a dinner party of one of your closest friends, but you’re really struggling to get out of bed. Especially because it's Felix who's holding you hostage between his arms, pouting and whimpering every time you remind him of the very little amount of time left to get ready.

“Let’s ditch the dinner,” he tells you, snuggling underneath the bedsheets and wrapping his arms around your waist. “Let’s stay like this all night. What do you say?”

You throw a pillow at him and get free from his hold. Truth be told, you'd rather accept his proposal, but you can't ditch on this very close friends of you, especially on such an important occasion as a birthday is.

“Come on, Lix,” you murmur, walking towards the bathroom mirror to do your makeup. It had been a wise decision to take a shower before cuddling each other during the afternoon, otherwise you'd be more in a rush than you already are.

You hear him groan, and curse, and groan again until he meets you at the bathroom, joining you in the sink to brush his teeth and do a little bit of makeup.

When he approaches you, you notice his semi-hard bulge underneath his grey sweatpants as he relentlessly tries to fix and conceal it. Perhaps the cuddling session got to him, and he would rather stay at home and fuck you on every position known to mankind than going out and missing the warmth of your body.

You understand him, though.

“What?” he chuckles, his deep voice startling you minutes after being shamelessly looking at his crotch. “Did you change your mind?”

Hadn’t been this a very close and dear friend of yours, you’d cancel them on the spot. But you really want to go, so the plan is still on.

However, it doesn't really matter if you get there a little late, does it?

“No,” despite your answer, the way you close your cosmetics bag mid-through your makeup confuses Felix. “But we can have fun of our own before meeting our friends, don’t we?”

His eyes widen just a little. “We’re not going to make it on time if we start,” he tells you, tilting his head flirtatiously towards you.

“The point is to be there,” you reply, planting a wet kiss on his freckled cheek. “I don’t mind if it takes us a little while to get ready”.

Felix wraps his arms around your body and holds you close to him, forcing your lips against his in a peck that quickly, turns into a heated french kiss.

He kisses oh so deliciously. Never too rushed, and never too sloppy. He kisses you slowly and roughly, fucking your mouth with his tongue and biting your lower lip in between, pulling it just in the slightest to earn a hiss from you.

“You’re only getting me harder,” Felix murmurs when you interrupt the kiss to breathe. Judged by the strong pressure against your thigh, you can only assume he’s right. “I’m gonna need to jerk off or else I'm going to spend the entire dinner like this”.

“Jerk off?” you query with knitted eyebrows, your hand playing with the hems of his sweatpants and underwear, “I’m right here, Felix”.

“I don’t want to ruin your make up,” it’s not fully done yet, but he doesn’t want to discard your efforts in what you had by now. The eyeliner and mascara were surely going to make a mess —last time he fucked you, you both realize it wasn’t as waterproof as they claimed them to be. “And I don’t want to make a mess out of you either”.

“I don’t care,” you whisper, leaving a trail of kisses from his lips, along his jaw and into the crook of his neck, “let me help you”.

“I won’t take responsibility for anything,” Felix warns you while not being able to divert his gaze from your figure that's currently kneeling in front of him. He rests his body against the edge of the bathroom countertop, with his back facing the mirror, and guides his fingers to your freshly brushed hair, “so you better start thinking about a new outfit option”.

“Got it,” you hum, lowering his clothes to release his erection that's throbbing and pulsating inside your fist, begging for you to pay attention to it. “What about that black dress you like so much, huh? Should I wear that one tonight?”

Felix closes his eyes and throws his head back when he reminds the piece of clothing you’re referring to. Not only that, but the memory paired with the feeling of your warm tongue swirling against the tip of his dick earns you a deep moan from him.

“Y-yes,” he hisses, forcing his head down and opening his eyes to admire the whole scene. “But don’t expect me to keep my hands off of you tonight if you do”.

You smile while smacking his cock against your tongue, tasting the salty precum from his tip. He looks beautiful from this angle —his slightly sloping face is commanding, and his normally gentle eyes are now dark with desire.

“Like that,” Felix encourages you, grabbing a fistful of your hair while forcing your head back, “do that again for me”.

You stick out your tongue further and slap his cock against it yet again, making sure to put on a full show for him. You let drool fall into your chest, staining the dress you’re currently wearing —and the one you were supposed to use at the birthday dinner tonight— but you don’t do anything about it because you know how much Felix likes that.

“Fuck,” he sighs, guiding the grip on your hair towards his dick, asking you to take him fully inside your mouth. You follow compliantly, because that’s exactly what you want too. “You’re so- fuck, so fucking beautiful”.

Felix has a way with words. He's very vocal at all times, especially when it comes to sex —not a day goes by without him praising and complimenting you. That’s just one of the many ways he shows his love towards you, and he knows how much you love it.

“Since when does your pretty mouth can take me so well?” You hold your breath when your nose hits his pubic bone, drooling all over his cock as he says so. After much fooling around with Felix, your body has grown to know him fairly well, “you’re making me feel so good”.

You take his cock out of your mouth and continue stroking him using your own drool as lubricant, offering him a delicious friction that has him gripping the edge of the bathroom counter until his knuckles turn pale.

Felix does his best to keep his eyes open, staring down at you while you suck on his cock eagerly, demanding something he can only give you. He’s just about to give it to you, but he wants to elongate the moment as much as he possibly can.

“Look at me,” he demands, brushing a few strands of hair away from your face. “I want to come while looking at your face”.

You're definitely not the best looking right now, with all the drool spilling from your mouth and your eyeliner and mascara smudged, but Felix thinks you've never look prettier. He loves this side of you, the dirty one.

He caresses the side of your face with his thumb, wiping away a few tears running down your cheeks after taking all of his dick inside your mouth. “I love you so much,” Felix quietly moans, his words getting overshadowed by his heavy breathing, but still managing to reach your ears nonetheless. “I love you so- fuck, so fucking much”.

You smile against the tip of his dick and increase the movement of your wrist around him, getting yourself ready for his orgasm —an orgasm that doesn’t take too long to happen, shooting white ropes of cum onto your face and dress while he curses and whimpers your name under his breath.

After a couple of seconds of him overcoming his high, and you licking his arousal up until he’s clean, Felix helps you get up from the floor and kisses you just as deep as earlier, tasting himself off of your tongue.

“I’m fully convinced I want to marry you,” he chuckles against your lips, licking up some of his cum on your chin.

“Well, my hand looks a bit empty without a ring, you know?”

Seungmin: Acts of Service and Quality Time

When you called him, crying over the phone, Seungmin's heart was practically wrenched.

“I’m so- I’m so fucking stressed,” despite his efforts to try and talk to you, asking you what’s wrong, you just couldn’t begin to explain him that there was nothing, specifically, wrong. You just felt overworked and tired because of college, and you were having a hard time handling everything.

“Where are you right now?”

“College campus,” you tell him, trying your best to look collected while crying, sitting on a bench not too far from the main building. “I’m supposed to attend another class in like-”.

“I’m picking you up,” it's not a question nor a proposal. It's an affirmation, one that you're ready to argument.

“No, Seungmin. It’s okay, I-”

“You’re not okay, you’re crying,” his voice is filled with concern, and judged by the noises in the background you can tell he’s walking while on the phone. “Let me take care of you”.

You agree, but feel guilty immediately afterwards once you realize that he probably left everything he was doing just to meet you. You didn’t ask him to, but he showed up a couple of minutes later, picked you up and drove you to your apartment, staring at you from the side every now and then just to see if you were okay.

“I’m sorry,” you exhaled. “I overreacted, I don’t know why I cried like that and I- just wanted to talk to you, but I didn’t mean to worry you, it’s really not a big deal. I’m just stressed over college and that’s it”.

“You’re rambling,” he cuts you off, sweetly and delicately as he always does. It’s not that he doesn’t want to listen to you, because he always does, but he knows you have this habit of rambling whenever you’re anxious. “I drove all the way here because I wanted to be with you”.

“Yeah but-”

“Hamburger or pizza?”

“Huh?”

“What are you craving for dinner?” Seungmin has always said he is not very good with emotions, but you disagree —he might not be one to use words, but his actions always speak louder. “I’m craving pizza, but I don’t know if you’re down for that”.

“Pizza is good,” you reply. “But let me- I just want to apologize, really. I feel so fucking silly for throwing a tantrum like a child”.

“Child’s tantrums are way worse,” he interrupts you, but his voice is so soft and delicate that you can barely hear it over your rushed, disorganized speech.

“My point is that I’m sorry for crying on the phone like that. You didn’t need to do all this, and now I feel awful. It’s just college stress, nothing I can’t handle”.

“And my point is that I know you can handle everything, as you always do,” he reassures you, turning to face you at a red light, “but I want to help you handle everything, too. If you call me crying, I don’t see why I can’t rush out to you and take care of you, it doesn’t matter the reason behind those cries”.

There's a lump in your throat that threatens to make you cry again, but this time for all the opposite reasons. You’ve never felt this safe and loved until you met him.

“So pizza it is?”

He drives to your favorite pizza place and orders take out —the sky is getting grey, and the wind is getting chill so he would rather have dinner at the coziness of your apartment. You both eat, unwind, talk about your day prior to meet each other, and enjoy the company that you desperately needed today.

“I think I’m going to take a shower,” you inform him after doing the dishes together. “I think it’ll help me sleep better”.

“Mind if I join you?” Seungmin asks you, drying his hands with a small, kitchen towel. “Both to shower and bed”.

It’s not every day you get to sleep in the very same bed as him, so you agree without thinking it twice. Knowing you’ll get to spend the night with him makes you forget about all the daily stress already, so you’re grateful he’s sharing his time with you.

“Close your eyes,” he warns you with a smile and hands full with shampoo foam. You follow his order compliantly, and the next thing you feel are his hands massaging your scalp and hair with shampoo. “Close them!”

“I’m sorry,” you giggle, closing them immediately afterwards. “I just want to see you”.

“Let me rinse this off, alright?” he guides you underneath the shower faucet and starts wiping away all the foam, delicately caressing your face while the water rinses off a whole day of stress. “Don’t open them yet, or else it’ll sting”.

It’s practically impossible to ignore his touch and body pressing against yours throughout the whole interaction, and he probably notices this too —your nipples are hard, both from the stimulation and the feeling of warm water running through your body, and you can’t help but whimper every time they rub against his bare chest.

“There,” Seungmin murmurs, encouraging you to open your eyes. The first thing you see is his gaze underneath his dark, wet hair, followed by bright smile.

You tip toe a bit to reach his pink lips, and you leave a wet peck in the corner of them. A quick, single kiss that makes Seungmin’s bright smile turn into a flirty, soft smirk.

He brushes a few wet strands of hair away from your face, and caresses your skin while tilting his head. You know he wants this, just as much as you want it too, but he probably felt too scared to make the first move, considering the wholesome moment you were sharing.

“Can I?” he’s leaning over you, with both of his hands cupping your cheeks and his lips dangerously close to yours.

“Please,” you nod, closing your eyes even before you felt him kissing you.

It starts of slow, but gets gradually deeper as he holds you tightly against him; the water is still running, but it feels ten times warmer now.

“I don’t want to ruin the moment like this,” you whisper, feeling your heart racing, “but I really want you to fuck me”.

“How could that ruin the moment?” Seungmin chuckles, guiding his hands to your ass.

“I don't know, you're being so sweet to me and all I can imagine is how it would feel to have you deep inside me right now,” you confess, wrapping your arms around his neck.

“You don’t have to imagine it, you know?” his hands guide you to turn around on your feet, and he presses his chest against your back until you’re trapped between him and the wall. You can feel his erection against your ass, and that alone has your pussy clenching around nothing, wishing it was his cock you were clenching around. “If you want, I can fuck you right here”.

You feel him kissing and nibbling at the skin on your shoulders and neck, and you immediately melt between his arms, “I want you”.

You can’t see him but, once he guides his hand to your core and feels your wetness, the soft scoff he lets out tells you he’s probably amused by your neediness. “You’re all ready for me, hm?”

You press your cheek against the cold, wall tiles, and arch your back a bit more —just enough to allow him a better access to your pussy. He places one hand on your hip, while the other guides the tip of his cock to your cunt, teasing your folds and rubbing it against your clit.

“Please fuck me,” you whine, laying both of your palms flat against the white tiles.

“Take a deep breath for me,” he latches his lips to your neck and the next thing you feel is a sudden stretch between your legs. You let out a painful moan, as you’re definitely not used to have him fucking you while standing.

It’s a challenge, really. The second you felt him entering you, your legs threatened to give up on your weight.

“Don’t worry,” Seungmin hisses once he bottoms out, feeling your walls hugging him tightly. He can feel how tense you are, trying hard to hold on to anything to prevent you from falling, “I’ll hold you tight, won’t let go of you, okay?”

You nod, barely frantically, and relax on the spot. You trust him Seungmin wholeheartedly, so you get completely carried away by the feeling of his cock hitting the right spot inside your pussy.

He reaches his hand forward, into the small space between your abdomen and the wall, and guides his fingers towards your clit, rubbing it gently while fucking you.

“J-just like that,” you moan. “I’m- I’m getting close”.

“Yeah?,” Seungmin purrs, managing to keep the pace between his thrusts and his fingers. “Come for me, then”.

You blame it on all the time you spent without being able to fuck with him because of your schedules, but truth is that Seungmin always makes you come really fast. He knows your body well enough by now, and he pleases you like no one has before. And could he not be? If he has spent hours and hours touching you, eating you out and fucking you so he can be the best at pleasing you.

“Seungmin,” you gasp, feeling your legs shaking and your mind dizzy. If you let go, you’re sure your face is going to meet the floor.

But, as if he could read your mind, he wraps his arm around you and holds you right in place, giving you all the support you needed. “Now,” he moans, “you can come”.

You finally let go between his arms, pressing your face against the wall while Seungmin takes care of everything —from helping you ride your high, to keep you standing on your feet.

He holds you while you overcome your orgasm, feeling your heart beats and the way you breath. He is close to coming as well, but you’re always his priority in moments like this.

Always so caring and sweet.

Jeongin: Physical Touch and Gifts

[19:28, You: I’m here]

[19:28, You: Where are you?]

You stare at the big, white letters on top of the entrance of the store, and you can begin to guess what this urgent meeting is all about. It’s not the first time you visit it, and it is most definitely not going to be the last, you think.

There are a couple of people inside, people who make you feel as if you’re underdressed to go jewelry shopping —not that you had clothes to match the ocassion, but you didn’t expect to end your day standing outside one of Seoul’s most expensive stores.

“Hey!” Jeongin greets you from inside, smiling widely once he spots you. He walks towards you and the brightness in his eyes tells you that he's most definitely excited about something.

“What is it?” you immeditaly asked, catching his smile.

“I stopped by and I wanted to gift you something,” he grabs your hand and guides you inside the store, following a path and turning around every other table until you reach the jewels in exhibition he’s excited about, “I didn’t know which one you liked best, and I tried to take a picture of them but the camera didn’t make them any justice”.

“What’s the occasion?”

“You,” Jeongin tilts his head. “You’re the most beautiful woman I know, and these are the most beautiful necklaces I’ve seen in my entire life. Is only fair for you to have them”.

“I don’t- These are too expensive,” you furrow your eyebrows, not knowing the final price of each and confident you're better off without that information.

“So?”

“I can’t accept one,” you shake your head. Your eyes encounter an emerald and diamond necklace that’s too stunning it caught your attention —Jeongin has good taste, you have to give him that.

But said taste it’s also very expensive, so you’re not sure that works out.

“What about all of them?”

Your eyes widen in shock, and you playfully hit him in the arm, “you’re so unserious!”

“I mean it,” the dark-haired smiles, tilting his head at you. “Either you pick the one you like the most, or I’ll buy all of them for you”.

Jeongin never gifts you things expecting anything in return —if anything, the only thing he expects when he buys you jewelry, or clothes, or anything, is that you put them to use.

You’re still not used to this kind of love language, but he tries everything to make you feel comfortable.

“Are you sure?” you hesitate, and he nods eagerly, wondering which one is the one you like best. “That one, the one with the emerald”.

“Pretty,” he smiles, “just like you”.

He takes care of the bill, and you keep on staring at the rest of the jewelry exhibited around the store. To be honest, you’re curious about the price, but you’d rather stay ignorant than feeling guilty about the money he spends on you.

Then, Jeongin sees you admiring a bracelet for quite some time, and he makes a mental note to go back and buy it for you on the next occasion. He knows love can be expressed in many, many ways, but a gift is never out of place.

“Let’s go back to my place, yeah?” he asks you, grabbing your hand as you walk through the mall. “I can pick up dinner and we can spend the night together, what do you say?”

“Sounds good to me,” you smile, trying to keep up the pace with his long legs.

Once you get home, and you unwind together, Jeongin brings the small, white bag with the red, velvet box inside it. You saw the necklace on your way to his apartment, but you didn’t try it on.

“It’s beautiful,” you whisper, admiring the shine of it from every angle. “I’m not- sure how to style it”.

“Pretty sure you’ll find a way,” Jeongin smiles with his eyes fixed on the jewel. “You make everything look pretty”.

“Thank you,” your gaze meets his, and you can tell how sincere and genuine he is. Your heart skips a bit when you spot that spark in his eyes again, and your curiosity makes you question him once again. “What?”

“Let me put it on you,” he tells you, standing up from the dinner table and walking towards you, taking away the velvet box off of your hands, “come here”.

You follow him into his room, that’s barely illuminated because of the street lights and a small lamp on top of his nightstand. You stand in front of a big, full-length mirror, and he stands right behind you, holding the necklace with one of his hands while he makes eye contact with you through the mirror.

“Wait, just let me-,” he motions for you fix your hair out of the way, and once you’re done he he places the necklace around you. “There”.

The necklace is very, very pretty on you. So pretty that, for a minute, you completely forget about the outfit you’re wearing, and how it doesn’t match Jeongin’s gift at all.

“Thank you,” you chant again, caressing the jewel as you watch it become your most prized possession. “It’s just- beautiful. I don’t want to take it off, ever”.

“Then don’t,” he murmurs, placing a kiss on your naked shoulder. “Wear it all the time, let everyone know who gave it to you”.

You turn around on your feet and wrap your arms around his neck with a cheeky smile. “What for?”

“So everyone can know you’re mine,” his siren eyes are staring deep into yours, and that alone is enough to arouse you. Not only that, but the implied possessiveness under these kind of gifts is making you feel some kind of way.

“Everyone knows I am yours already,” you whisper, leaning in for a kiss. “I don’t need to wear a necklace for that”.

“But it’s fun, isn’t it?” Jeongin asks you, “everytime you feel the necklace around your neck, you can think of those times where my hands have done the job”.

You feel the heat rising up to your cheeks almost immediately, and you wonder if he can tell.

“The necklace is very pretty, but you like my hands way more, don’t you?” again, the filthy question makes you a bit timid, but you still nod.

“See? I don’t need expensive jewels to be happy,” you chuckle softly, planting a quick kiss on his lips. He responds the kiss with one much more steamy, one that actually makes you gasp for air in between.

“So what is it that you need, hm?” he teases you, cupping either side of your face with his big hands.

“You know what,” the complicit smile on your lips is the consent Jeongin needs to guide his hand from your face to your neck, squeezing it slightly as he applies pressure to the sides of it. The harder he chokes you, the wider you smile.

“Is this enough to make you happy?” judged by his cold gaze, and the deeper tone of his voice, you know you have Jeongin exactly where you want him.

“I’m missing something else,” you quietly murmur, just as much as his grip around your neck allows you to. “Can you give it to me?”

“What is it that you’re missing?” he asks you, a twisted smile peeking through the corners of his lips, “tell me, and I’ll give it to you”.

Jeongin knows exactly what you’re talking about, and what you’re referring to, but he menas every word he says. If there’s something you’re missing, he’d travel the whole world just to give it to you. If there’s something you want, all you have to do is ask.

“Your cock,” you finally tell him.

In the blink of an eye, you’re both naked in his bed and he’s hovering over you, positioning himself between your legs while he bites his bottom lip. You’re still wearing the necklace, as a request for him, and it feels somewhat heavy on your chest. It will probably weight heavy from now on, everytime you wear it, because it will remind you of how good of a lover Jeongin is to you.

“It looks so good on you,” he hisses, coating the tip of his cock with your slick. You’re so slippery, and warm, and inviting that he can’t spend another second without being buried deep inside your pussy. “You- look so good like this, with your legs spread for me”.

You moan at his words, wrapping your legs around his waist and forcing him to bottom out inside you, desperately wanting to feel all of himself.

“F-fuck”.

“So tight,” Jeongin whispers, closing his eyes while assimilating the stimulation your body provides.

He starts off slow and only goes rougher once he’s sure you’re ready for it. He wraps his hand around your neck and chokes you while fucking your pussy, admiring the diamond resting on top of your bouncing breasts.

The necklace is even prettier like this, he thinks.

“Right there,” you gasp, closing your eyes shut while your orgasm hits you unexpectedly. You writhe underneath him, digging your nails on his biceps. He fucks you even faster through your orgasm, making you spill a tear or two —not only he is a good lover, but he fucks oh, so well too.

You moan his name over and over again, thanking him in between. The ravages of your high are hitting you, as well as the painful overstimulation, but you don’t want him to stop. You want him to come inside you, to fill you up until he’s leaking out; however Jeongin has other plans in mind.

“Can I- come, on you?”

You’re not sure what he means, as he usually finishes inside you, but you still nod desperately, wanting whatever it is that he wants.

So he thrusts himself inside you a couple of times before pulling out, kneeling over you while stroking his cock and driving himself to his orgasm. You stare at him with dreamy eyes, aroused by the heavenly sight he’s offering you —there’s something enticing about his facial features when he comes, how they sharpen and his eyes get pitch black.

“Fuck,” he curses under his breath as he comes over your breasts, spilling his hot cum all over them and the necklace.

You didn’t understand his petition until now, that you realize the diamond is covered with his arousal, glistening even brighter under the dim lights of his room.

“You made a mess,” you chuckle, staring at your tits.

“I just wanted to make sure you're going to remember who gave you this”.

#stray kids smut #skz smut #kpop smut #jisung smut #felix smut #seungmin smut #jeongin smut

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bengiyo · 10 days ago

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Love in the Big City Part 2: The Weight of Homophobia

I’ve been struggling to write about this week’s episodes. The way Yeong feels so worn down by the homophobia around him feels suffocating in a way that I haven’t had to deal with in a long time. I remain impressed with the way this adaptation brought this story to the screen, and genuinely like many of its changes.

The Internalized Homophobia Suffocates

The first thing I noticed in this section was how much quieter Yeong felt. He didn’t have the pep in his step that had him and Mi Ae skipping through grocery stores together. He wasn’t dancing in the street. He’s spending a great deal of time with his mom, and now dating a closet case. The weight of all of his pain and suffering has seemingly dimmed his light.

@impala124 summed up the comparison between the major relationships of Parts 1 and 2 well with “Part 1 was about the loneliness that comes with not conforming to societal expectations for Yeong and Part 2 was about the pitfalls of conforming to societal expectations and how it manifests in their actions towards others.” @shinjiikar1 further detailed how both his mom and Hyung hurt Yeong with their behaviors, particularly how Christianity plays into this. I find myself lingering with the sense of futility that the expectations of heteronormativity inflicts upon us. In Part 1, Yeong found himself unable to connect with Mi Ae and Nam Gyu because of their conformity to heteronormativity, and in this section both Yeong’s mom and Hyung try to enforce that heteronormativity on Yeong.

With his mom, she had him committed to a mental institution when she caught him with a boy. However she may feel about that now, it’s clear that she will not engage directly with his queer reality. She expressed relief when she didn’t get to meet Yeong Soo, and she will not read his books. She toes a line for herself by taking clipping of articles about her son, and letting him find that she saved a picture of him with his then boyfriend, but she will never say anything else aloud. Their relationship is difficult, and I found myself returning to the final scene with Chiron’s mom in Moonlight (2016) when we left them in the park.

With Hyung, I find myself thinking about @lurkingshan’s observations about the way episode 3 used familiar romance tropes to build up the relationship with hyung before crushing it in episode 4. It’s easy to see how the beginning of that romance with Hyung was so intriguing. Yeong was tired, lonely, and dealing with the slow death of his mother. He had removed the couch and TV from the apartment, making it clear he’s not doing any group fun in there anymore. It was inevitable that a closet case like Yeong Soo would let Yeong down, and I’m impressed that the show gained the same mortification in Yeong Soo writing that horrible article that I still feel about him sending Yeong an edit of his own goddamned diary.

I can’t find the comment now, but I think @wen-kexing-apologist commented about how both Umma and Hyung are obsessed with appearances. Despite her declining health, Umma tries to maintain her physical appearance, and performs Christian sacrifice by writing lines from the bible. Yeong Soo wearing ragged clothes, carries a back, speaks on philosophy, plays sports, and more to maintain his masculine appearance, and only wants to be with Yeong where others cannot see him. It’s so exhausting to be inside of the closet, and the paranoia it inflicts on you is mind numbing. I’m so glad that Yeong wasn’t actually alone with this man in this version. Finally, I keep thinking about the way @solitaryandwandering noted that the ideas of ownership play heavily with everyone’s actions in this section. So much of compulsory heteronormativity is about what others think we should be doing for them, and how they wield shame as a weapon.

Lastly, I want to comment that I appreciated the tasteful way the director chose to show Yeong’s darkest moment. I liked that we didn’t get close-ups or see his face, and I like that we cut away from the moment in his apartment to when he wakes up in the hospital.

The T-aras Remain The Best Change

I was surprised when the show introduced them so early in Part 1, but I’ve grown to love the T-aras so much in this show. They embody perfectly the kinds of gay friends I had in my 20s. We couldn’t step into each other’s lives to meddle and fix everything, but they’re always there for you. They also have great instincts.

It’s notable for me that they seemed iffy about Nam Gyu in Part 1. While much of that was likely them being catty about him being older, old-fashioned, and kind of a dork, they recognized that Yeong wasn’t actually into him that much. Nam Gyu was outside of the culture with them, and that builds in distance. In this part, they noticed immediately that they couldn’t tell if Yeong Soo was actually queer. That is a huge sign that Yeong Soo wasn’t going to be good for Yeong, because Yeong lives his life publicly. Yeong Soo doesn’t want people to know, and as such he would never vibe with the T-aras. It’s also notable for me that Yeong Soo never got to meet the T-aras, which at least Nam Gyu did.

Finally, this show made me sob openly when they rushed to the hospital and fought with staff to get to their friend. Only family is allowed to be in the room, but they would not let their friend go without him knowing that they were there. It’s so scary when you’re in the community because of how death stalks us, and I love this change to the story. The version of Young we get in the book is so unwell that he doesn’t think about all of these people around him, and I love this version of the story showing that he was loved. That his friends cared about him. When he flashed that heart sign to them and they answered back, I cried. I’m crying now even as I think about that moment. Queer friendship is so important to me, and I really love the way the adaptation expanded the role of the T-aras.

Anticipating Gyu-ho

I find myself feeling a small sense of dread about Gyu-ho’s entry into the story. We’ve seen two pairs of relationships in Yeong’s life fail because of compulsory heteronormativity, and I just know that seeing Yeong be unable to build something long-term with Gyu-ho on screen will devastate me. The losses and wounds Yeong has taken from all of the previous history will seep into his relationship with Gyu-ho, and it’s not going to be pretty.

#Ben watches #Ben writes #love in the big city #litbc book club #korean bl #lgbt tv

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wayfayrr · 1 year ago

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Sky being self aware had been plaguing my mind since I wrote this other piece where he confronts you about having played through his game, however while you could read this as a sequel it is written as something separate!

before the main thing though just gonna say, I don't actually support yandere behaviour in real life - I don't usually mention this because in my opinion it goes without saying, however since reader borders a little bit on being one in this I just wanted to make it clear!

[masterlist]

It’s been so long since I last played Skyward Sword, Really I think the last time I picked it up was at least a year ago now. I’d almost forgotten I actually had it on the switch, if it weren’t for me needing to do a clear out I might have never remembered that I had this. I’ve got some spare time right now so really there shouldn’t be an issue if I took a break to play for a while would there? In the worst case I’d get distracted for a bit, but it’s not like I can’t just carry on cleaning tomorrow. Setting up the game was easier than ever, not like setting up any switch game is particularly hard though. My old save was still waiting patiently, I could never bring myself to delete it even after getting a hundred percent. Perhaps it’s finally time to try out hero mode for the first time?

The opening cutscene is nice to watch again, even if I can’t help but feel bad for Link in it, seeing what it’s building up to. Huh? I could’ve sworn my controllers were working a second ago, they can’t have disconnected during the cutscene either, could they?

“[Name]? Dearest… you’ve finally come back…”

What.

It’s like I’ve just been plunged into ice water - I- I’m dreaming right? I have to be, there’s no way this could possibly be real. He’s a game character. Link can’t be speaking to me as if he’s a real person. He can’t be.

“Darling, You - you look so pale are you alright?”

Another step toward the screen, a head-tilt and clear concern on his face. More than possible. I knew it, this has to be a dream.

“Darling, I know that this is strange for you - don’t you think it’s strange for me as well? I mean - I know I’m not supposed to exist as I do. I’m only supposed to be a blank slate for you to play this game as not - not have my own feelings.”

A sharp inhale laced with the sounds of static reverberated throughout the room, with a far too alive sounding sniffle as he wiped his eyes and took yet another step closer. Even eerier was the laugh that followed when he made eye contact with me, something sad and wet sounding like he’s barely holding himself together. It sounds too real.

“It’s been so long I thought that you - I thought that you forgot me. That you weren’t going to come back. I hoped - no I knew - that you didn’t though and you didn’t! You came back to me my love and now I’m not going to let you out of my sight again. I know that it wasn’t your fault that you took so long, I - I mean you didn’t even know that I’m alive but I’m not going to risk it happening again.”

He’s right up against the screen now, staring at me as he presses his hand up against it, like he’s testing it. Gently testing as if he’s trying to see how much pressure the glass can take. If there’s any time best to wake up already it would be now.

“I’ve been stuck in here alone for so long, if I didn’t have something to focus on I would have gone insane! Can you imagine that? If I didn’t have you to think about all that time I would have lost myself! I was made for you; I know you care about me as well. Please [name] I - I don’t know who I’m supposed to be any more, I’m not - not your character. I’m so much more than that empty husk.”

His hand pushes further on the glass as his fingers tense up, now like he’s preparing himself for something. Link, I’ve never seen him - any version of him in any version of the games acting even half as emotive as this. That proves that this is all a dream, he can’t be - this can’t be real.

“There’s one other thing that being trapped in here for all this time has let me focus on I think I know how to get out now… If I press this just-”

A sickeningly twisted smile found its way onto his face with each shrill crack of the glass screen under his hand. The other moving up to join it as he pushed even harder, intending to shatter the barrier, he’s convinced himself is standing between us. My chest feels so tight right now, why am I so sore in a dream? If I were awake I’d be convinced I was having a panic attack but - no- no I’m not awake.

“Right. Then - Well you can see can’t you dearest? If I carry on like this, there won’t be any-”

A loud wince as his hand shatters through the screen, the glass shards cutting through his skin effortlessly marring both him and the remaining screen with - with his blood. The laughter that followed the screen cutting to blank with his hand reaching through seemed to tighten the band that’s seemingly wrapped itself around my lungs making it harder still to breathe. How could I breathe when link - the link is dragging himself out of my tv.

“Come on darling..? I know you feel the same way about me, I’ve heard you say it all. So please don’t just stand there looking terrified. You have no reason to be scared of me, I love you so much [name]. Can’t you see I’m doing this so that we can be together? I can’t wait to finally hold you in my arms.”

Frozen. That’s the only way I can describe how I’m feeling right now, my once-warm blood has turned to ice within my veins. He’s not stopping. His shirt that was once a pale beige is now stained with red patches, as his head and torso are out of the screen now. What was once a comforting face to see, one of my favourite characters is staring me down with a downright vicious grin while he is dripping with his own blood. Even beneath all of that though, there’s still something so tender, so scared about him, something is worrying him.

“Please darling you’re so pale, you don’t need to be scared - I promise you everything is going to be alright. [name] please just say something to me…”

Dark spots are starting to show in my vision now and… I’m not sure if this is a dream anymore. There are too many things adding up that don’t make any sense. But if it’s not that, I don’t…

“[NA]-”

><><><><

Did I pass out? I mean it really feels like I did, but I don’t feel like I hit anything. If I passed out when I was alone then I would’ve hit my head on something. Maybe I’m just waking up from that weird dream. Hopefully. Although that wouldn’t explain -

“You’re alright darling, I’m here. I’ve got you, you’re safe, you’re alright.”

Why I feel like someone’s holding me?

“Oh dearest you’re finally awake… You - you scared me you know? I didn’t think I was going to be able to catch you, that you were going to get hurt. I’m so glad that I did though love.” It wasn’t a dream. That was Link’s voice, the same one as before. It’s link thats holding me in his arms. Link that’s nuzzling into my hair as he seems to be fighting off tears. That means… That means…

“...Everything was real..? I - you - it…”

He’s holding me so gently like he’s scared of me disappearing. If what he said is true? I can’t hold that against him with what he’s said, but even still. I can’t just stay in his arms pretending that him stroking my face with bloodstained hands isn’t bothering me. He’s so happy though and he isn’t hurting me really why don't I just - no I have to tell him that this is making me uncomfortable.

“All of it, all of it was real [name] and I couldn’t be more glad that it is, because it means that I’m finally here with you.”

“Link…”

“Yes dear?”

… this is all real. I’m actually talking to him. He’s real. And he’s downright obsessed with me.

“You - you’re still bleeding, you should deal with that and- and with everything.”

I’m not sure that was the right thing to say, but why shouldn’t I not accept him. This isn’t some stranger, it’s Link. One of my first fictional crushes, he’s probably heard the things I’ve said about him; since I’ve said in the past if I got a chance like this that I would take it… why not see where this goes? He looks adorable like this, hopefully, if he stays like this long enough I’ll be able to get the image of him crawling through my tv out of my mind.

“I - you’re worried about me, love? I - I knew that you’re my soulmate, oh my dear. You're so beyond perfect.”

“We should go get you some bandages Link. I know you’re not quite used to everything yet so I wouldn’t want you to get an infection immediately.”

Yeah, I’m not going to let this chance slip. He’s so much nicer in person, why should I throw this away? He’s perfect and now?

He’s mine.

#linked universe x reader #yandere linked universe x reader #yandere linked universe #link x reader #yandere link #yandere legend of zelda #yandere sky #self aware au #self aware lu #moss✦writes

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gamefan546 · 2 months ago

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Here’s an overly long analysis about how Mr Puzzles always seems to end up alone and how that’s effected my view on the character. Feel free to read if you want idk.

So, after the latest video, I’ve sort of realized that Mr Puzzles seems to have this pattern of ending up completely alone, and it sort of caused my mind to spiral on about how this pattern goes with his character...

Let’s take a look at his backstory for a moment. The main catalyst as to why he ended up the way that he did is because he never had any friends as a child. From what little we see of his childhood during Creative Control, it seems like nobody really wanted to be his friend, no matter how much he tried to find anybody who can be his buddy. And while we don’t get any info on his parents (apart from Puzzles saying his father told him not to talk to strangers in D.M.P), the fact that he spent most of his life in front of a TV screen could suggest that they weren’t a big part of his life, if at all.

Then we get to D.M.P, where he finds Leggy. As far as we know, Leggy is one of, if not the first persons in Puzzles life to offer him any sort of support, even if it’s only because she’s in one of his parodies. Throughout the episode, we see Puzzles get genuinely attactched to Leggy as an ally, even going as far as to nearly have a panic attack when she get’s snatched away (by Smg4 of all people, I might add). By the end of the video, we see that he does appreciate Leggy being a partner-in-crime for him, even if he doesn’t really want to admit it and just wants to see her as a means to an end.

But by the end of the very next episode, we see Leggy, Puzzle’s only friend, get taken away for real as she reverts back to Meggy. As she unknowingly betrays Mr Puzzles, he goes through a brief moment of shock and sadness, before it quickly turns to rage that he directs at Mario. He goes as far as to say he *ruined* his life. This is more than him just being upset that his plans were foiled again. Whether he knew it or not, Mario just took away Puzzle’s one chance of having a friend.

Now we go on to the latest video, where we see him literally make a new ally in the form of Pedro; who, like Leggy, ends up leaving him to hang out with Mario. During the ending, Puzzles seems to go through a little reverse-version of how he was at the end of A Night at Smg4’s: he’s seen being furious with Mario, before quickly reverting to just being sad. Like his last big scheme, it just ends with him being alone, just like during his childhood.

With all these moments where Puzzles ends up sad after loosing potential friends in mind, I can’t help but look at his break down at the end of Puzzlevision in a different way. At first, it just seems that he’s distraught at the fact that the show he saw as “the stupidest show he’s ever seen” managed to beat out his own show’s ratings. But when looking at how he’s reacted to having his allies be taken away, I feel like maybe it’s less about that, and more so the fact that because of it, no one is able to be under his mind control anymore, and so he has no chance of having anyone alongside him.

When we see Mr. Puzzles controlling everyone after her gets 5 stars, he seems genuinely exited about the idea of EVERYONE being a part of his show. Maybe it’s not just because he likes the idea of life being one big TV show that he directs, but also because with everyone under his control, he finally has people that will be along side him. After a life of solitude where no one was his friend, he finally gets the chance to have EVERYONE be his friend. But as we all know, that dream of his quickly gets shattered.

I’m also wondering if the reason that reasons why Puzzles started targeting Smg4 and his cast wasn’t just “he didn’t like their show”, but also that he was envious of how many friends G4 has. When you think about it, G4 and Puzzles aren’t too different. Smg4 is a weirdo who’s obsessed with watching and creating memes, just like how Puzzles is a weirdo who’s obsessed with watching and creating TV shows; only Smg4 gets a whole cast of friends who have his back, while Mr. Puzzles has always ended up alone time and time again.

What’s especially tragic about this is that you can’t really blame the fact that Mr. Puzzles has no friends on anyone but himself. Puzzles has done HORRIBLE things, and has actually put the gang through some torture in some of his schemes. There’s a good reason why Meggy was so quick to pull her splattershot on him. Yet despite that he never changes himself. He never tries to actively make friends, never tries to see the error of his ways, and never tries to better himself. He’s always just too obsessed with himself to do all of that, even if changing would probably make him much happier…

Oh boy, there I go thinking WAY too deeply about the funny Super Mario Gmod series that I don’t even like that much again…

#smg4 mr puzzles #mr puzzles #smg4 #character analysis #I’m definitely thinking way too deeply about this.#smg4 puzzlevision

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breekento · 9 months ago

Note

hello! I love your fics on Higuruma on AO3! wanted to ask if you take any requests for Prisoner!Higuruma who survives culling games and turns himself in jail, but reader regularly visits him and waits for his release ?🥹 A bit of angst but fluff at the end please 💞

thank you for being my first fic request! I probably won’t write these as long as my fics on AO3 because it would take me months lol! But these are fun writing practices for me!

(wc: 1.6k, no smut, just pain and fluff)

“How are you sleeping, doll? Are you getting everything you need?” His voice crackles through the phone.

Your fingers tremble, squeezing the phone so tightly you were surprised it didn’t crumble in your grasp. “I guess so,” you reply in a small voice.

“I don’t like the sound of that, baby.”

You knew better than to lie, he was intelligent and ever observant of every hitch or quirk in your voice. “I just miss you, Hiro,” you say shakily.

He sighs deeply on the other line. “I miss you, too, doll. More than you can ever know. You’re still coming to see me tomorrow, right? I need to see that beautiful face.”

“Of, course.” How could you forget? It has become your weekly routine. Every week, the night before your visits with Hiromi, tossing hangers draped in clothes over your head in search of the perfect outfit. Open toed, too short, mesh, crop top. At some point you would need to go shopping for appropriate clothes to visit your boyfriend in prison but for whatever reason, it felt as if you were accepting defeat.

You knew very little of Hiromi’s mysterious work-life and he liked to keep it that way. The world of sorcery was foreign to you and your knowledge was shallow. Hence, the ringing in your ears, the numb feeling on your fingertips as your brain struggled to connect the dots on that day.

“I just don’t understand why you’re doing this to me, Hiro,” your voice was raspy, tears flowing down your face as you followed him out of the door.

“I can’t tell you,” he says, cold and distant as if he were desperately trying to disconnect from the harsh world around him.

“Look,” his voice is softer. His hands cup your face, lip distorted and eyebrows twisted upward in agony. “I’ve done bad, bad things. I can’t live with myself like this. You don’t want me here.”

“B-but how do you know? You don’t know,” you fumble over your words.

“I’ll be gone for a while, doll,” his forehead pressed against yours. At that moment, it felt doable. How long? Why? What have you done? You never asked, worried that you wouldn’t accept the answer.

Years had passed and it was doable. Not short of late nights, curled under the covers, fingers searching for the smell of his cologne and hair gel. Elbow stretched as far as you could reach, hand fumbling for the zipper on the back of your dress. Shit, if Hiromi was just here. Small tasks felt big.

Sitting behind your desk, mindlessly searching through your emails as a thinly faced coworker pops her head over the cubicle. “Are you going to the office pot-luck tonight?” She beams.

“Oh,” you jump in your seat. “I have plans.”

She frowns, resting her head on the half-wall. “You never do anything.”

You shrug, looking toward your computer screen. Explaining that you’re visiting your prison boyfriend was not something you cared to delve into with a superficial level of coworker.

The clock strikes 5:00pm and you are your own version of Cinderella, tossing your purse over your shoulder and striding towards the door. Only in this story, you weren’t running away from the probability of your carriage turning into a pumpkin. You were running toward your murderer of a boyfriend, clinging to that 30 minutes of quality time.

It couldn’t have been Hiromi. Not your Hiromi. The Hiromi who stayed awake late at night, holding your body close as it ached on your monthly. The Hiromi with tender fingers that grazed your skin covered in bubbles as you leaned against his skin as warm water poured over the two of you. The Hiromi who replaced the fresh flowers on your dining table every week, knowing you loved the scent. He couldn’t have been a killer. Surely it was for a reason. Was there such a reason?

“I’m here for Hiromi Higuruma,” you say through the window.

The guard’s eyes flicker to yours. Nodding before lifting the phone to her ear. Taking your cue, you sit in the waiting chair. Your legs bounce in anxiety, it never got easier.

The door swings open, a large guard standing in the doorway. Gathering your things, you walk toward the room. The room you knew too well. The tension in the air dissipates as the tall, dark-haired man stands before you. Even in this state, he was strikingly handsome. His hair, slicked back with strands falling forward onto his brow. His lips curl into a smile, eyes twinkling at the sight of you. His orange jump-suit hangs off of his body, wrists clasped together by handcuffs.

“There she is. My beautiful girl,” he purrs as you join him at the large table. It was just the two of you, and the guards that lined the perimeter. How romantic.

In his usual gentleman fashion, he waits for you to find your seat before sitting down himself. You adjust in your seat, face heating up as you scan his face.

“I missed you,” you say bashfully under his intense gaze.

“God. You get more beautiful every time I see you.”

You lean against the table, propping your head on your hands, “When are you ever going to get out of this place?”

“Funny you should say that,” he says with a grin. Your eyes widen, lifting yourself off of the table. “I have a date.”

Your mouth dries. “A-a date?”

“Doll, I’ve been here for 6 years. In a few months, they’re letting me out early for good behavior. Well, parole,” he says with a grin.

You stand from your seat, jaw slack and eyes rapid fire scanning his expression for any sign of a joke. “Y-you’re coming home?”

His eyes soften, looking up at you with those gorgeous sleepy eyes. “I’m going home, baby.”

Every muscle in your body wanted to lunge forward, wrapping your arms around his neck and tackling him to the ground. You haven’t even touched the man in years. You opt for covering your mouth with your hand.

“Keep holding on for just a few more months, doll. I’ll be home before you know it,” his eyes are kind.

“15 minutes,” the voice from the guard echoes throughout the empty room.

“My life here is boring. Tell me about yours. How’s work? How’s the house?”

He had truly set you up for success. You stayed in his home, completely paid for and taken care of by him. You didn’t have to work but you feared insanity spending your days alone in his large house. Brushing your teeth and watching his, dry and unused black toothbrush beside yours. His loafers that sit in the doorway, unworn and clean.

“Work is boring. They had a potluck tonight. My boss somehow thinks I’m the biggest idiot in the world while also piling more on my workload,” you say. It felt silly to complain about your mundane work tasks while he lived here. But he hung on your every word, soaking in the way your lips curled and eyes creased.

“Oh and I spent hours getting rid of weeds last weekend. The second you’re out of this place, that’s your job,” you say with narrow eyes.

He chuckles, leaning forward in his seat, “It will be my pleasure, baby.”

“It’s time,” the guard says. Each week, shattering your heart little by little. You stand, unable to stop the tears welling in your eyes.

“Don’t cry, darling. Not much longer. Just stay strong for a little longer,” his voice pleads.

You nod, using balled up fists to wipe your face. You watch him stand, towering over you as the guards guide him back to the mysterious place he now lived. He turns his face to catch your eyes, face sad as he watches the human form of his heart shatter before his eyes.

The door shuts and once again you are left alone. Only a few more months. Those words propelled you, every action you performed had a meaning suddenly. When you couldn’t reach something on the top shelf, when you couldn’t lift the garbage bag over your head, when you ran out of toilet paper you thought soon he will be here.

And soon came quick enough. You stood in front of your full length mirror, adjusting your sundress that fell over your curves. Your hair was fluffy and soft, draped over your shoulders. He knew what you looked like but you needed his first sight of you to be special, breathtaking.

With shaky hands and clammy feet, you stand outside the prison. If you weren’t leaning your body weight against the car door, you probably would have fallen over. You tap your foot anxiously, any minute now.

The door creaks open, a tall, lanky man dressed in black jeans and soft white shirt, the outfit he had left on that day. Before you could tell your feet to quit, you were running, no, sprinting towards the man.

He matches your speed, arms wrapping around your body as he lifts you from the ground. You bury your face in his neck, giggling through tears that coat his white t-shirt. His muffled laughs find your ears as he spins you, holding your body tightly. It had been years since you felt his hands on your back, his breath in your ear.

“I love you, I love you,” he chants against your face. He set you down, pressing both of his hands on each side of your face. “Let me get a good up-close look at my beautiful girl.”

Your cheeks blushed red under his gaze, “Let’s go home.”

#jjk #jujutsu kaisen #fanfic #jjk fanfic #higuruma hiromi #jjk x you #higuruma x reader #higuruma hiromi x reader #hiromi x reader #hiromi jjk

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mozart-in-a-gokart · 3 months ago

Text

My Thoughts On How Five Could Have Had A Romance In Season 4 That Doesn’t Involve His Siblings Or Lila

You guys voted for it so…

Here it is! So far it’s been an overwhelming majority telling me to share so here you go! There’s only two ways IMO that the introduction and execution of giving Five a love interest could have been done well.

I’ve never taken a screen writing class and this all may sound very fanfictiony. For that I am sorry. This is the first time I’ve actually posted a full rundown of a character that I’ve created online for people to read about, consider, and discuss with me! Also This post is so VERY long. I MEAN IT. I will not make you scroll through it if you aren’t interested! More below!

You can scroll down if you don’t wanna read any of the introductory info. It makes more sense if you do though. Your life though man! I’ll have it separated from the actual story bits!

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!Start of Introductory Information!

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Basic Character Information

I have given both love interests neutral names and tried to be as gender neutral with how I’m writing this as possible.

I am fully FOR the idea of Five being an Ace or Aroace icon. I adore his character and fully embrace all variations of him. (That being said I wish I had the ability to shove the home wrecker version of him we received in season 4 underwater and hold him there until I see the bubbles stop.)

Both of these options for love interests can and are intended to be open to being ace or non-ace regardless. These are just ideas that can be tweaked!

Also If you all like these I am debating writing either of the options into a few one shots? However, If you all hate them I won’t. (If you like anything you read in here I fully encourage you to use bits of it if you like the ideas. I love seeing people write stories and come up with their own versions. You all inspire me and helped inspire these characters!)

Both these versions of love interests would have bits of common background.

Both of these variants would start off as someone that he is established to work with at the CIA. (These organizations do not just let people do whatever they want whenever and with whomever they want.) They could have written it similar to season one with Diegos relationships. How Diego had this established life in an organization that he left. Diego established ties and interpersonal relationships with his coworkers which is not out of the norm. Acquaintances, Friends, rivals. All normal things that could develop between Five and a coworker similar in age to his physical body over the course of a SIX YEAR PERIOD.

Both of them will always take Five at his word. Neither variant of love interest would distrust him. Both know he’s not one to beat around the bush. If he says something he means it. Five is a blunt character regardless of how tired of all the work he’s doing all the time. This is an established character trait of his. The love interest would be USED to how BLUNT he is.

To Establish Age And Timeline: Five is stated to be in a 13 year old body in season 1 and that ends in April. Seasons 2 and 3 happen over the course of a few weeks for him. Then season 4 happens and he’s about 19 physically. I’m pushing season 4 so it’s more like a 7 or 8 year time-skip instead. Having Five be in a relationship like this ace or not at physically 19 is just odd for me. It feels wrong. So in order to make a romance work in this situation you’d need to push it further down the timeline. Make Fives physical age 20 or 21. It makes the audience feel better about seeing him involved with someone, Ace Or No Ace, and it allows for more wiggle room when they explain he’s now working for a government agency. People would be more inclined to believe he’s allowed to work for the government because he’s at the very least physically an adult man now. (Aiden Gallagher is 20 years old so him actually playing a 20-21 year old Five is not out of reach) — With that in mind both love interests would be the same physical age as Five and were recruited to the CIA because they were prodigies in their respective fields, but they went through training and recruitment with Five during the 7-8 year period we don’t get to see during the start of season 4.

This bullet is just so you understand some of the choices I make later in my run downs: Five has always just kind of done what he wants and gone where he wants so I think there’s a great opportunity for a running gag or even just a fun plot point about how in order to keep tabs on Five both love interests have their own special way of tracking him. (Explanations further below)

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!End Of Introductory Information!

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The Actual Characters

1—: Optimistic Opposite Partner : his handler researcher he always calls, personable, soft, NEEDS approval, and a prodigy

For this post let’s refer to Optimistic Opposite Partner as, Ash

2— Pragmatic Mirror Partner : his work partner, stubborn, practical , dry, Hot headed, and always left out

For this post we’ll refer to Pragmatic Mirror Partner as, Morgan

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Both Ash and Morgan would highlight different aspects of Five’s character in, at least from my point of view, very delightful ways. I think characters like these would be a great addition to the story if we got more episodes to insert them and add more interactions with All of The Umbrellas. For now however I will only be inserting them into the story that we got so there’s less interaction with the whole Hargreeves family. I will however do what we all know is right and disregard the cannon ending. I will be writing this under the assumption that the show would end how I detailed in my previous post where I detailed how I thought season 4 should have ended. That post can be found HERE.

Another Note: I’m not writing fully fleshed stories just bulleted versions of arcs and scenes I believe would have been better than what we got. Specifically and mostly following the “lost in the subways among the timelines” bit.

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Main Key Ash:

Five - Blue Text

Ash - White Text

Diego — Green Text

Lila — Pink Text

Luther — Orange Text

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THIS IS WHERE THE ACTUAL STORY BITS START

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Ash

They are the cute and fun character that eventually gets pushed a little too far.

They are the person Five is calling at the CIA every time he needs background research done. And I mean every single time.

When you think of this dynamic think Varric and Zhu Li From LOK mixed with a dash of Garcia and Morgan from criminal minds. Ladybug And Maria from Bullet Train.

The first time we see them is when he gets out of the meeting with his boss in that first episode. Maybe Give goes to his office and there they are set up across from him with a quirked eye brow.

“So how’d it go? Wait let me guess? Not well?”

“I really don’t need this from you right now Ash.”

“Too bad.”

“You know what I really need is—“ he stops as the camera focuses on a to go cup of coffee steaming on his desk already.

“Why did you—“

Ash gets up “I figured you’d need it. You got a party to get to. Lots of screaming kids.” They wave as they walk out the door. “If I were you I’d chug it! Have a good night!”

We see five irritated beyond belief silently indicate that Ash has a point, pick up the cup and drink from it with no hesitation. In one scene we establish that at the very least Ash knows Five very well and Five seems to trust Ash because he without hesitation accepts the coffee and takes the advice to chug it.

Ash Tracks him through his phone. He has a government issued one. It needs to be used like this because as we saw in the show in other seasons, Five just goes where he wants. He did that when he had powers. He does it now. As his research assistant THATS EXTREMELY FRUSTRATING. A scene that could happen is

“I can’t believe you’re in ‘New Grumpson right now.”

“I told you to stop tracking me.”

“How else am I supposed keep tabs on you Five? You never tell me where you’re going. What am I gonna do when you need back up? Just throw a dart at a map and hope I’m right?”

“Look can you just send me the file I need”

“I can’t just fax it anywhere it’s classified.”

“It’ll be fine just—“

“Too late I’m already here.”

Five gritting his teeth and looking up to see them getting out of a car waving the file at him. His siblings are there and it’s amazing for them and us as the audience to watch Fove unravel in front of us. We feel like an older sibling watching him be pushed around by someone he can’t retaliate against. Five shakes his head and just takes the file from them. If done right this interaction could be something that feels like it happens every single mission he goes on at some point.

It’s obvious to everyone else that this person cares about Five deeply already, but Five just kind of takes them for granted. He doesn’t not care about them. He just doesn’t realize how much he relies on them. This is communicated nonverbally through the show in the CIA building. (Ex. Like when he’s in the office and in the middle of explaining something and walking Ash is anticipating and handing him things to help him make his point before he realizes he’s going to need them. They’re his bubbly little shadow at the office. There could even be a scene showing this if it wasn’t 6 episodes and 10 instead. At some point Five is at the office and he reaches to his side or in front of him and he doesn’t even realize there’s nobody there with him. Like there’s a shot of their usual desk in the corner exactly as it was the previous scene when Ash left it. They aren’t here today and they are always here. It throws him off. We get to see him be a little taken aback by it.

Ash gets pulled into the Cleanse mess because they bring him a file in the Christmas town and get caught up in the gun fight.

Five tries to blink them out of the fight and they both end up in the subway.

Personally I like the idea of Five getting on the train and the door closing before Ash can get on. The train leaves and Ash tries to run after the train but is too cautious to try following the tracks. They don’t know how to leave the station and they don’t wanna abandon Five, so they’re just kind of stuck there. They walk around the platform for a few minutes and end up sitting on the bench and just as they do the train rolls back into the station. Five walks off the train having done what he does in cannon, albeit a little more unnerved. In the other timeline he gets off the train at the next station and leaves the platform. He discovers it’s an alternate timeline. He gets back on the train and goes back and gets off the train in front of Ash. He’s been gone for ten minutes almost but it was only 5 minutes or so For Ash. Ash sprints at him. Five is surprised to be hugged by Ash and hugs them back for a second before they quickly lets go and hold each other at arms length purposefully. Five doesn’t even let them speak. He just cuts in before Ash can and tells them how its alternate timelines. At this point there’s no use in hiding it from Ash and they’re here in the subway with him so they ought to know.

Ash is more spiritual and fate oriented as a character. They take Fives abilities to blink specifically to the subway as a sign of it being important. Lila still convinces Five to check out the subway again and they do. He encounters himself. They both come back, and Ash is the one whose been looking into The Jennifer Incident File for Five. He meets them at the office and they fill him in on the file.

Ash is the one who gets him to really think about Ben before he goes to Reginald’s mansion. They comment on the file explaining

“This is a somewhat biased account, I’ll give you that. It’s the guys you were fighting against so there’s always gonna be an amount of “he said she said”. But the guy who wrote this seems to be blunt as hell. Very factual presentation of everything. No punches pulled about how badly he fought or how his team failed to achieve goals.”

“What are you saying?”

“What I’m saying is… History is written by the winners Five. I don’t know your dad well. Hell I don’t know him at all, but I gotta ask… Is he the kinda man who would lie about this stuff? Is he the kind of man you could trust to tell you how you actually won? What do you remember?”

Five squints at them. “Nothing… I wasn’t there… but it’s an interesting thought.” He gets up and walks around to Ash’s desk.

“I try.” Five starts to leave and ash calls out after him “I’ll let you know if anything develops on this end.”

Five waves the copy of the File at them in aknowledgement and disappears out of the office door

Ash comes out with them to the Alpaca farm when they get the call about it. They’re standing with Five And Lila when she tries to convince Five to go back to the subway again. Five agrees he’ll go and take a look but not with her. This irritates Lila. Ash tries to level with Lila and this annoys her. She snaps that it’s none of Ash’s business and to stay out of it. Lila snapping at Ash is Five’s cut off. He tells Lila she isn’t coming with him to the subway because of her attitude right now. She’s acting way too impulsively right now and he’s not going to risk that. She needs to take a breath go regroup with Diego and Luther. Keep tabs on them. Lila is irritated by this and storms away. (This may be out of character for her but I truly have never understood Lila as well as other characters. I’m so sorry.)

Ash asks if they can come with. Five is about to ask them if they’re serious? He just denied Lila why would he bring Ash? Ash says that they’re just curious about this all honestly. Plus it’s always better to bring someone to watch your back. Five reluctantly agrees because Ash is right. Plus they’ve kept a very level head through all this. If something happens he can just bring them home. It’ll be fine.

So he brings Ash with on that second run to investigate and everything with the sparrow academy timeline happens.

Then as we know they both end up getting stuck.

They roll past their stop.

“Five? Wasn’t that our—“

“Stop? Yes. Yes it was.”

The montage of what happens down there wouldn’t really be a montage it would be an entire episode or at the very least half of an episode dedicated to following them over the course of these six years. (If it was a montage though, the song I feel like that would be amazing in vibe and fit would be “You’re Dead” By Norma Tanega)

We would get a lot more scenes above the subway when they’re looking for supplies and gathering information. Fighting things that are on the surface in these other timelines.

This version of Five is one who is coming at the fact he’s stuck in a never ending nightmare universe like this again as if it’s a personal slight against him. Like of course, of fucking course it happens to him again. OF COURSE. When his family needs him this happens AGAIN. (It’s a very self centered way of looking at it. The fact Ash is there and also dealing with this is not even on his radar at first. Ash's feelings about this don’t even register to him until later because as a defense mechanism he’s automatically slipped back into ‘survival apocalypse’ mode. ‘One problem at a time’ mode. ‘This physical problem in front of my face is what I’m focusing on’ mode. we can tell when he finally picks up on Ash's feelings about being stuck here but he doesn’t say anything to them about it. His character has never been good at approaching people gently and while they’re in survival mode gently isn’t really an option.

Ash is obviously so scared about the fact that they’re trapped there and don’t know how to get home. They just don’t want to show it. They put on a brave face the whole time and we watch it crack.

Ash can seem to sense Five’s irritation and just slips into doing what they do best. Following Fives lead.

So Five makes a plan. They are both agents for the CIA so they both should be able to survive out here. They both spend months staring at the map terminal and physical map, trying to decode it and it gets more and more frustrating for five. But Ash is trying their best to stay optimistic on purpose. You can tell it’s somewhat forced but still somewhat genuine.

Ash is also doing what they do best. Assisting Five. But at the beginning it seems like it’s much more difficult. Apocalypses and time travel aren’t anything they trained for. Plus their survival training was minimal since they joined the CIA as an analyst not a field agent. They aren’t sure what Five needs. There are moments we see Five hold out his hand out of habit and Ash just stares. They don’t know what he needs and it’s unsettling for both of them. Five realizes he has to reach Ash what they need to do out here and you can tell it’s irritating to him.

A full year passes and Ash's optimism seems to fade but they’re getting better at knowing what needs to be done to survive in the subway. They get better at anticipating things that are needed. When they talk Ash's smile doesn’t seem to reach their eyes as much. Five doesn’t notice this still. Five always seems slightly annoyed that Ash is always so upbeat.

Year two you can tell the smile isn’t barely real at all but Ash still pokes fun at five along the way. Ash is the one trying to keep them both feeling human. They have to force Five to do things like wash clothes, eat, sleep, comb his hair. Five is visibly irritated by it. He doesn’t want to be dragged away from the problem but he always begrudgingly acknowledges that Ash is right.

It’s around the middle of year 3 that they both break. Ash offers to help five shave (similar to how Lila does in the show) because he’s doing a god awful job of it. He hasn’t had to do upkeep like this since the first apocalypse and even then he just let his beard grow out then. We see Ash in the “mirror” Five is using to shave and even he can tell the smile is so forced it hurts to look at. Five glares at them and breaks his silence. He snaps at the about how shaving isn’t fucking important. Getting back home is important. At least when he was alone before he didn’t have to worry about some chipper chipmunk of a person following him around like a lost puppy. He berates them about the fact that they’re so chipper all the time and how irritating it is when all he needs to do is work. He Berates them for trying so hard at it. Why won’t they just admit that this all sucks. It’s awful. He wants Ash to get mad. He wants Ash to blame him. Ash needs to blame him. He implies that Ash doesn’t seem to care at all about the fact that they’re stuck here and that’s when Ash snaps back.

Ash isn’t smiling anymore. They go off at five about how much they care and how selfish Five has been. They know this isn’t a game. They understand the stakes. Theyre trying so fucking hard he has no idea. They’re just trying to keep it together because of they don’t they’re gonna go insane. (Essentially they lose it at him and tell him how much of a selfish prick he’s being.)

The two end up screaming back and forth at each other all sorts of things that devolve into nothing insults about little things that have annoyed them about each other (we as an audience get an insight into how well these two really know each other with how insanely specific some of the stuff is)

“At least I don’t gag when I skin a rabbit!”

“Oh I’m sorry apocalypse boy? Does my lack of enthusiasm towards skinning small animals upset you? I’m so so sorry you dad never let you have a pet rabbit! But some of us still—“

“Yeah, yeah, I remember your pet bunny. You’ve only mentioned sir pumpernickel 300 times. Im sorry you used to love one 👏🏻but 👏🏻we 👏🏻have 👏🏻to 👏🏻eat👏🏻this 👏🏻one 👏🏻to 👏🏻live👏🏻 so stop gagging and get it done.”

Ash then says something along the lines of “ You know? You talk about your ‘dad’ and you pretend you’re nothing like him, but you act exactly the same. Pompous and arrogant. So wrapped up in your need to stop the apocalypse and ‘save your family’ that you don’t give a shit who you hurt to do it!”

With that Ash storms off out of the station to whatever world they’ve stopped in.

Five is stunned by what they’ve said and lets them go still half shaven.

He turns back and tries to keep shaving and after a few minutes he realizes what he’s said to Ash.

He stops shaving and washes his face off. He goes up after them. He finds them washing clothes in the river he sits next to them.

Five helps them finish washing clothes. It’s silent the whole time. They bring clothes back to the station he offers Ash the barber knife. It’s an olive branch. Ash takes it.

We then get the shaving scene but it’s Ash and Five. The scene is silent save for the scraping of blade against skin. Then Five speaks.

“I’m sorry.” A pause. “For saying all of that and for treating you like—.”

“It’s okay. Stop talking, or I’ll end up cutting you.” More quiet scraping.

Five waits til Ash is finished shaving him and wiping off the knife before he speaks again. He says he’ll do better.

“Yes, yes you will.” There’s another pause “or else I’ll only shave half your face next time.”

This is the first time Five cracks a genuine smile in YEARS. Ash smiles back. There’s a renewed sense of understanding. A silent deal is struck essentially. Be kinder to each other in this.

The next two years we get scenes that are more gentle between the two very similar to the ones we get in the actual show. Five is more open to teaching Ash things about the worse parts of hardcore survival. Which in turn helps Ash feel more useful and lightens the load on Five. He can trust them to handle themselves more.

We watch them Slowly moving closer too each other over the course of the train rides. Falling asleep with heads on shoulders. Cooking for one another. Interspersed with scenes of them just entertaining themselves with the other. Reading from books they find in these universes. Playing chess together, cutting hair, sewing up cuts. Light Play fighting in the rivers they wash clothes in eventually leading to the sixth year five months two days conversation.

It happens just after a scene where we watch Ash set Fives Broken leg.

That’s RIGHT the reason they end up in the green house is a legitimate reason in this one.

Five loses his footing hunting in a previous scene and falls down a hill. He blinks and lands haphazardly on rubble in the subway startling Ash who has to immediately jump into action and help.

Ash after setting and wrapping Fives leg tells him that he needs to rest. They have to settle somewhere and let his leg heal. Five doesn’t want to stop but has to concede that Ash is right. Ash starts packing up the camp and they brainstorm where would be the safest place to rest. Five brings up the greenhouse.

“The one with strawberries and that fun little office room?”

Five nods. “It was pretty clean and there was a desk there. I can still work on figuring out this subway while I’m bedridden…”

Ash rolls their eyes at him. “Like you’ll actually stay in bed once I make you a set of crutches.”

Five glares at them as they finish packing things up.

“Don’t be such a baby. It’ll only be for a few months till you can put weight on it. We aren’t giving up.”

And here’s the big change from cannon. THEY DONT GIVE UP.

They do rest there. Five recuperates there. He’s the one messing rolling about in a chair scribbling things down in a notebook while he messes the strawberries in the greenhouse. Ash goes Hunting instead.

They do have their cute little cottage core moments but they don’t give up. And it’s not in the green house that the strawberry throwing happens. It’s a basket of clothes that Ash brings in while five is WRITING IN THE JOURNAL trying to decipher the glyphs from the subway.

Ash throws socks at five instead of food. That conversation about winter happens and Ash DOES FALL but it’s into the handmade wheelchair that Five has been using while healing.

Five is always holding a notebook in his hands. I cannot emphasize enough HE IS STILL WORKING TO FIND HIS FAMILY.

THATS when the kiss moment happens.

“Was that not okay? I’m sorry. I know this isn’t the time—“

Five cuts them off with a kiss again and that’s answer enough.

They don’t ask if it’s weird because ITS NOT. They are two people with and established back and forth coming together in this moment.

Five finds the journal on one of his first trips out since his leg has healed enough to walk freely. The dinner is an anniversary dinner but more so to celebrate his leg healing. He shows it to Ash IMMEDIATELY. There is no fear of returning and losing them to someone because Ash is not married to his brother. 👀

Ash and Five end up staying in that greenhouse together while they make sure the journal is legit and figure it out together for a few days.

They finally figure out how to get home using it.

They wait a week to gather supplies to help them to continue on in case the journal screws them over and they got it wrong

Before they leave green house they have one last candle lit dinner and say good bye to it. They leave it all set up and all their things strewn about. Because the things don’t matter they’re going home together and there’s no question of will this last after they’re home because they don’t need to question it. Of course they are. It’s the same as Diego and Lila in season 2 and 3. There’s no questioning it.

They will stay together.

We get a fun scene at Lila and Diego’s house with the whole family talking about everything but Klaus is staring at Five and Ash. He is looking them up and down because they aren’t wearing suit jackets and pants anymore. They’re both in casual. Five is wearing his sweater vest and Ash is wearing jeans and a flannel. Diego calls it out.

“What is this then? No offense to, Ash, right? But why’re you here?”

“I vaguely recall asking you the same question about lila back in 63.”

“Lila’s different”

Lila has picked up on what five has indicated and his body language

“Not sure how different the situation is Di.”

This is when everyone on the couch picks up on it. Allison and Klaus immediately react silently. Klaus open mouthed impress and shock Allison bewildered looking at Ash for confirmation. Ash maybe makes eye contact with Allison and looks away a little embarrassed.

Diego looks at Lila confused “what do you— wait— You’re!” Diego accusatorially pointing a finger at Five. “Since when?!”

“My love life isn’t important right now Diego”

Only when Five says this does Luther pick up on it. He’s got a look of bewildered awe on his face and He looks right at Ash and addresses them.

“Wait, you two are dating?”

Klaus and Allison gag on their water like we got in cannon.

Ash looks like they truly have no idea what to say and five holds the bridge of his nose.

“Really not important right now. Can we get back to what’s important? Like the apocalypse? namely Stopping it?”

They continue their regular conversation about stopping the apocalypse

All of them leave and pretty much everything that happens leading up to my version of the “Cleanse” happens

These next bullets happen in the universe where my version of the ending is cannon once again you can read it here.

They have a meaningful moment on the subway after they’re all speeding away we get him asking them if they regret knowing him. Knowing what was gonna happen. Ash looks at him funny then says they could never.

“Besides. If we do get to live whole new lives… that means you still owe me all the years that we would’ve gotten in this one. Also a pet rabbit. You owe me a pet rabbit too.”

Five laughs “Of course.”

Five is holding them closely when the train hits the reset point.

The next we see them both is when the I detailed as his wife in the polkadot blouse comes walking into the classroom. Now Fives spouse in the true timeline, full name Asher Delores Murphy (Male/Female/ Or Nonbinary) Also PHD is wearing dress pants and a polkadot button up shirt

Maybe in the scene where they’re gathered around a tv in the physics building we see a rabbit cage in the corner. Five got them their rabbit that he owed them.

That’s Ash character arc. Five never stops looking and he falls in love with a character who is always willing and able to meet him where he’s at. Match his energy. Understand him without having to say anything to him. Someone we get to watch learn and teach Five to not shoulder a burden alone. Someone who carries the weight of the world alongside him, while simultaneously bringing out the human side of him that we as the audience rarely get from him.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Morgan is Different. Morgan is more one sided rivalry to realization that it was actually just tension all along. Fighting with him and being on his side and willing to go down with him in the end.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Main Key Morgan:

Five — Blue Text

Morgan — White Text

Lila — Pink Text

Klaus — Purple Text

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Morgan

They’re one of the CIA’s newest recruits and very similar to Five from season one. Also a prodigy.

Desperate to prove themselves

They don’t understand why Five keeps getting sent out into the field and they’re being denied the opportunity

“We’re the same age! We have the same experience! We’re technically partners! Let ME try for once!”

Five almost seems to pity them at first which absolutely infuriates Morgan

The first time we as an audience are introduced to them, is when they’re the one who comments on Fives lateness instead of the blond bespectacled operative we aren’t even properly introduced to in season 4

Five doesn’t need to have his suit handed to him he already has remembered it and is wearing it walking in the building.

Morgan is leaning against one of the pillars and they are quick to fall in step with five on his way.

“You’re late.”

“I am aware.”

“If you were aware, you wouldn’t have been late. Do you even know how to read a clock?”

“If anyone is gonna lecture anyone about time it’s me. I’m certain I know quite a bit more about how time works than you do Morgan.”

“Oh really? That’s interesting because last I checked, when you decide on a time to meet and a person gets there after that arranged meeting time, it means they’re late. That’s how time works.”

Five just sighs his defeated sigh and ignores them

He used to deal with worse from his siblings when they were younger. He’s completely fine with this. it’s almost welcomed by five it’s nostalgic for him in a way(the fact he’s never completely phased by the jabs you can tell is infuriating to Morgan)

At the last minute Morgan stops Five before he opens the office door and makes five look at them

Five has been wearing that gross mustache the whole time they’ve been talking

Morgan rips the mustache off Fives face and Five recoils

Morgan makes a quip about the mustache before pushing open the door and five walks in with them scowling

There could be a small bit where Morgan could also be suspicious of Five not checking in when his brother is kidnapped

Morgan is also in the room when Five blinks for the first time in eight years in their shared office.

We can tell what Morgan’s space and what’s fives space. Five’s is overly organized with books of mathematics strewn about and a chalk board covered in equations. Morgan’s side is covered in puzzle books. Sudoku, word scramble, decryption puzzle books, anagram puzzle books, books on linguistics, cryptograms. Notebooks with sticky notes just sticking out of every page. Morgan is obviously clever. Curious, a puzzle solver. Needs a challenge.

They just turn around and Fives just gone. They are fucking baffled. They think he walked out in the middle of a conversation. Rude!

Morgan leaves to get something and they come back and Five is falling into the chair bewildered and starts to keel forward.

Morgan is once again baffled. Then their face pass through a few emotions. Starting with irritation then suspicion And finally landing on concern

“I thought you’d left. In the middle of a— Are you alright?”

“No. I don’t think I am…” Five gets up and grabs his jacket and says he’s taking a sick day.

Morgan is absolutely taken aback. “A— You’re? Okay?”

Five ends up doing his thing and driving with his siblings up to New Grumpson

He calls Morgan from the pay phone and has them look into Sy Grossman and Jennifer Grossman

We watch it play out in a vertical split screen.

Morgan gives him the information but you can hear them just before Five hangs up

“There’s no one listed living in New Grumpson under those names Five. Are you gonna—“

“Thanks Morgan. Gotta go”

“Wait! Five! I’m your partner! you can’t just—“

Click.

The audience sees Morgan is slamming the receiver into the dock of the phone over and over again. This happens while the screen transitions Morgan off screen and focus back on Five

Everything that happens in New Grumpson still happens

Five ends up in the subway and comes back

They escape in the van and get into an accident

Five calls again and we get another vertical split screen. This is the call about running the Chrysler and Morgan is sick of this after Five hangs up this time. Instead of lingering on Five we linger on Morgan.

They’ve run the address and they message it to Five but instead of just leaving him to it that first time they meet him and his family at Gene and Jeans apartment.

Five is irritated but Lila doesn’t seem to care and Diego is trying to be cool for Morgan because they’re also from the CIA

Diego leaves and while Morgan is investigating something on the other side of the room Lila asks the blink question and they have that conversation with Morgan in the room.

Morgan doesn’t know what blinking is but it’s something they latch onto because Five can’t do it.

“What is it five? What do you mean by blink? You have to let me in! I can help!”

they’re poking him when Lila says to get back on the horse and grabs Five.

“Don’t!”

All three of them end up in the subway

Morgan is absolutely horrified and nearly throws up

“Oh my god! What did you do?! What is this?! Am I in hell? Is this 9-5 commuter hell?!”

Morgan is visible my freaking out in the background while Five and Lila argue about what she’s just done

Lila doesn’t care she’s just kinda whatever she doesn’t fully work for the CIA like Five does, she’s just doing it to feel alive again , same as Diego wants too. (look at that they’re Diego and Lila are husband and wife and they want the same thing? Who’da thought it?)

They are straight up just going to leave Morgan on the platform as when the tarain pulls into the platform (Morgan is not part of the family yet they are tagging along at this point.)

Morgan doesn’t wanna be left alone so they jump the train with the other two.

“Where you going to leave me there?!”

Simultaneously “You’d’ve been fine.” “Yes.”

“We’d have come back for you…”

“At some point”

“Probably”

Morgan glares at them both and is silent pretty much the whole rest of the trip. Lila cracks a joke at them about their crack about ‘commuter hell’ but Morgan scowls and ignores her

Five comments on how Morgan is taking this remarkably well. Morgan’s response is very curt and the only real response they give for a while

“I work for the CIA. Secrets are what we do. I will ask you more questions about those secrets when I’m no longer trapped in a weird freaky subway with you.”

EXTREME FORESHADOWING.

“You aren’t trapped. Trust me. You’d know it if we were trapped here.”

Everything happens like it did before with the breadcrumbs commentary and being shot at by OG timeline Five

Morgan and Five deal with being shot at like pros and Lila is as she was in the show not the best at it and they all get on the subway. Lila is last this time.

They come back to apartment they blinked out of and learn about the file. from here on out Morgan refuses to leave Five alone.

Morgan comes with to Reginald’s house. They’re there for the conversation about Ben’s death and the mind control.

Five has obviously filled in some details on the way and Morgan is able to deduce details themselves and provide an outside perspective

All of the siblings are a little weirded out by the fact Morgan is there. They ask who Morgan is and Five tells them that Morgan is his partner. (This could be the fun start of a joke where Five NEVER elaborates on that word and all of the siblings are like what does he mean by Partner? But all of them refuse to ask because they know he’d never tell them.)

Reginald, Diego, and Allison I think wouldn’t appreciate Morgan being there but Five would actually stand up for them.

I don’t know how he would or what would be said but it feels like it would be a weird kind of turning point for the trust between the two

Then finally they get to memory machines and I’m not sure if he would let Reginald restore his memory or not. (If he did I think he’d tell Morgan to shoot Reginald if this looks like it’s going bad. And Morgan would respectfully agree to.)

Everything happens like normal and they get called out to the Alpaca Farm Massacre site where Ben murdered all those people

The conversations are the same including Lila convincing Five to use the subway except this time Morgan is present for it

Morgan Volunteers to go with instead of Lila

“I have the training. I think It would make more sense for me to go.”

This is when Lila snaps. She, like Diego, wants to be important to the mission but it’s more subtle than Diego. She doesn’t just wanna be a mom but also a bad ass and this subway stuff is scratching her itch and filling her need of getting out of the house and away from Diego for a bit. Morgan is threatening that.

“How on earth does it make more sense for you to go? I was raised an assassin and what are you some CIA puppy? New recruit Wanna prove yourself so badly? Think you’re tagging along on a fun adventure? It’s not fun. It’s life or death. I have way more experience with that than you’ll ever have.”

Five is staring at Lila a little taken aback at the outburst but Morgan is impassive and gentle in their response.

“i recall how dangerous it was Lila, but unlike you, I don’t have any family. I am, for lack of a better word expendable. If something happens Five can leave me behind and come back to let you all know that route is bust. It makes more sense for ME to go with him.”

We can focus on five and Lila’s reactions to this response. Lila seems embarrassed and agrees respectfully that

“yeah um yeah sorry no you make a good point. I gotta report in anyway.”

(I’m so sorry every time I try to write for Lila I feel like I’ve written garbage for her. I’m so sorry. She deserves better than me.)

Five doesn’t say anything to Morgan about that but you can tell it’s struck a cord with him. He doesn’t like the idea of that. Of Morgan thinking they’re expendable.

Diego walks over to Lila and they converse same as before while Morgan and Five walk over to their CIA boss they have the same conversation about babysitting Diego and Luthor maybe this time also Lila.

Morgan maybe mentions talking to Lila and Diego seriously about joining the CIA.

Five is once again taken aback by how considerate Morgan is being.

Everything happens leading up too Morgan and Five walking into the subway and just before they do five asks if Morgan is sure about this. Morgan agrees that yes they are.

“Field work like this is why I joined the CIA. I wanted to do big things and i don’t think it hets much bigger than trying to work out how to use an inter dimensional subway station to save the world from devastation.”

Five nods his head in a conceding motion and he blinks them into the subway.

When they get there Morgan pulls out a little book from their pocket and starts writing down more of the symbols from the walls and train.

We get a conversation about this where Five asks Morgan about it, and says he recalls them doing the same thing when they were on the subway earlier.

Morgan shrugs and explains that they’ve always enjoyed word puzzles.

“I’ve always thought that Decryption was just a more fancy way of saying puzzle, and you know how great I am at those.”

Five makes a sound of concession once again and we get our first real grin from Morgan. Morgan isnt being hostile this time and it’s shocking.

“Besides! It’d be good to figure out how to read what’s written on the walls. Could be helpful and it may be the key to understanding this place and why it’s here.”

Morgan is trying to be fun and interesting because they’re excited. They’re is excited that they’re finally in the field. That’s all they’ve been asking for. They just wanted to be allowed to try.

As the two board the train we hear Morgan comment out loud about how alien the symbols look. They aren’t typical symbols like other symbolic languages. They maybe comment on certain similarities to other ancient languages that are dead that scientists haven’t been able to place but that they’re still different. Gosh they wish they had their textbooks to study this better. That’s fine though. This note book will help when they get home.

After that the same things happen that Five did with Lila in the other timelines on this excursion with Morgan. (I.E. Traveling back in time in the sparrow timeline and all that with Five exasperatedly saying they aren’t going to wing this and it was a terrible idea. He’s immediately calling the mission and saying it’s a bust.)

Morgan runs into the train with him and tries to convince him that it’s fine! They can’t quit after only one attempt.

They’re having a back and forth about this still on the train when the train passes their stop.

Five notices and has to quiet Morgan

“That was our stop.”

“What?”

“We just passed our station.”

“What do you mean what’s—“

The PA comes on and we hear garbled reversed speech and then “express”

Simultaneously “Shit.” “Shit!”

Instead of just a shot of the tunnel flashing green we get a shot of them inside the train looking at one another and both look shaken

“Five?”

A flash of green and we move on

Then it’s same thing as before we get a montage of the two losing their shit at one another over the fact that they’re lost. Which similarly to the other love interest before eventually the becomes mutual respect, care and love for each other.

It’s different from the previous love interest because they’re both “trained” as field agents. Both would have survival skills except one of them is also trying to solve an insane decryption issue at the same time.

While we watch this version of Five trapped in the Subway with Morgan it becomes clear to us as the audience that we are essentially watching the same thing we did in season 1, where Five was trapped alone, but with two people instead. In this case too we realize Morgan is taking on Five’s role from the original timeline. They are the one who seems to feel this intense drive to understand this particular problem. Five having done this all before becomes the Delores of the two. A support system. Always Helping and trying to keep Morgan sane. He recognizes and feels like he’s watching the same thing happen to Morgan that happened to him in season 1. However this time the key to understanding this isn’t something he can solve with mathematics. It’s words and he’s never been great with those. Sure, he can speak plenty of languages, but he’s never had to translate an entirely new language from scratch before. Morgan is the only one of them that has experience with that. Morgan is the key this time.

We get to see the years progress through Morgan’s “Notes” and it’s a montage set to “Dear God — Remastered” by XTC

The Notes are along the outer edges of the screen and the scenes we watch are super imposed on top of the “notebook” itself like we’re watching it on the books

The first year it’s just a bunch of wild scribbles Morgan isn’t writing anything down in it slowly. They’re frantic because they wanna get home. We see five and them arguing the same as we watched him and Lila do in the original

The second year they’re both in survival mode. Cooking food and making fires collecting supplies.

The notes are more organized. There are some sketches of the platforms. The symbols are better sketched at the top with more care. Morgan seems to be trying to visually keep track of stations

Year three is when the notes start to get more and more clear but still no words or even letters are decoded. There are notes about how time feels like it’s passing but “is it really?” Time is resetting every stop they make. Is the subway taking them back in time of freezing time everyone they’re in it? There’s a scene of Morgan scribbling angrily on the book and throwing it down the train car and falling down on the bench.

We watch Five get up like he’s done this a million times before (we get the sense he definitely has) and pick it up. He walks back over, slides it into Morgan’s pack and sits down next to them. Morgan leans into Five’s shoulder looking somewhat defeated. Five seems surprised by this but doesn’t push them away.

We get the chess scenes and in this variation they find a deck of cards so we get a billion scenes of them playing card games.

Year four the notes in the margins are sharp. Morgan is getting better at sketching the same things over and over. We start to see questions pop up about repeating letters and why doesn’t there seem to be any? Sketches of the PA system. Sketches of the train car’s interiors.

This is the year where there’s more laughter and intimacy in the interactions between them. There’s the visions of them caring for one another. In various ways Morgan bandaging Fives hand. Five fixing a dislocated shoulder for Morgan. Morgan shaving Five and Five cutting Morgan’s hair.

Year five is when interesting questions start popping up in the margins of the screen. We see sketches of the door mechanisms form in the train. Questions like is it possible to drive? WHO is driving? What is driving? Do we want to know? Can we get in there? A sketch of the drivers car through the window of the train but it’s impossible to see through a blacked out window in the sketch. A caption of “drivers car impossible to reach. new plan is the old plan?”

This is the year becomes clear there’s real feelings forming between the two but they are also looking really tired. Morgan starts falling asleep tucked next to Five.

Morgan just keeps staring at the book and you see scenes of five taking it from them and pointing to the sleeping cot or handing them food. They reluctantly take it and sit right next to Five and eat with their head on his shoulder

Year six is when the margins start fading from the screen and we pan up away from the book

A string of symbols on a page and the word “Station” circled. A double sided arrow connects the two as we pan away from this we see it’s written on the pages of the book that is in Morgan’s hand. They’re clutching it in one of their hands as they sleep and l are in the same position we saw Five a Lila in under the umbrellas.

The six year montage ends not with despair but with a kind of hope

So the next time we see them their conversation isn’t about giving up. It’s about really sitting down and cracking into this. Morgan really thinks they can solve this. But it’s just so hard to focus like this. It’s off hand in reference to moving around on the subway

“Morgan, what do you need to solve this. Anything you need we’ll figure it out. You need to tell me what it is though.”

“If I could just.. I don’t know… sleep. Like really sleep. In a bed… bathe? Shower, if I can? I know I could get this… WE could get this… We’re so close…”

Five agrees and they have a conversation about instead of staying in the subway going somewhere to work in peace where they don’t have to scrounge. Just for a while until they’ve fully cracked this.

They debate and land on that greenhouse so they GO THERE to sit and decode it

We get a scene of them setting up shop. Just after they’ve cleaned up. And it’s a nice scene like you get in any romance show or movie where the characters are seeing each other for the first time in a new light for real. (like a wow look at you I never realized just how nice this person is to look at?)

And we get a few scenes throughout the episode of them slowly but surely solving it. More letters going up in a bulletin board connected to symbols with twine and other things salvaged. Interspersed with moments of them eating dinner and playing cards. Playful throws of paper. Morgan excitedly running in with a record player and putting it on. They drag Five away from the bulletin board and start dancing. Five argues they should keep working but Morgan says that if they don’t take breaks they’re gonna go crazy staring at the symbols so please just dance. Do something for himself you know?

Five kinda has a moment that you see where he recalls that’s exactly what happened with him originally. He NEVER stopped and he went insane on the OG timeline.

So he takes a real minute not like the games before. Just a real minute to dance.

The two laugh Morgan trips Five catches them

Five’s holding them close

They look in one another’s eyes.

“What are you doing?”

“Something for myself.”

He kisses Morgan and Morgan reciprocates.

AND BY GOSH BY GOLLY WE HAVE A WELL BUILT RELATIONSHIP THATS KiNdA ONE SIDED RIVAL TO LOVER

The last scene we have of them in the greenhouse obviously more time has passed

Five does the same thing he did for Lila. He makes Morgan something. I think Five fixes them up a Rubix cube or even whittles them a cool wooden hand held puzzle. Like one of those puzzle balls or even a puzzle box that has something else in it? Idk. I just feel like a ring or any type of jewelry is too cheesy and fast to be in the box So maybe it’s just the box. Morgan loves it and gives Five something in return. They’re like it’s not as crazy as a hand carved gift but they took some time between solving the decryption to go and find him something special. It’s a mug that used to say “Life Is About More Than Coffee.” but coffee is crossed out with red paint and in big red letters it says Apocalypses so it now reads “Life Is About More Than Apocalypses”.

Five can’t stop laughing when he looks at it. It’s stupid. It’s a dumb joke that’s really insensitive to him the more you focus on it. He’s told Morgan all of stories about all 3 of the apocalypses he’s experienced in his life during these six years trapped here with them, but for some reason the fact they took time out of their day to repair this cracked mug and personalize a stupid word play joke at his expense makes him lose it. This also happens the same day they completely decode the alphabet. THEY CAN GO HOME BECAUSE THEY ARE ABLE TO READ THE MAP NOW. (I can’t begin to tell you how mad I am that that alien language was never talked about once. Or the fact that they never considered trying to decode it at any point? They’re stuck in this subway… LEARN TO READ THE SIGNS)

They’re excited but you can tell after the hype dies down it’s a little sad. They kind of liked this existence here. It was simple. Five could sit and do old man things and just keep them alive. He wasn’t the one the solution hinged on so he gets to rest a while. Morgan was spending their all of their time solving a HUGE puzzle. It was kind of heaven for both of them.

They pack up everything that’s needed and leave the deck of cards and a half solved crossword puzzle book they found previously on the table. Something for whomever comes across this place to find.

They have a conversation just outside the greenhouse about what they’re gonna do about what they’ve become when they return

Morgan responds by taking Five’s hand

“One problem at a time right? We’ve decoded the subway. Next is stopping the apocalypse. Then, after that’s done and we know for a fact that we can still stand the sight of one another while other people are present, we’ll worry about filling out the relationship paperwork at the agency.”

Laughing. “There’s paperwork for that?”

“Yes. Lots of boxes to check and forms to fill.”

“If it makes you happy.”

“It does actually. Soothes me.”

Five picks up their bags. “Once more into commuter Hell?”

“I said that one time!!”

There’s a flash of blue and the camera holds on the playing cards and their initials carved into the table (childish maybe Fanfictiony? Probably? I’m not a screen writer!)

I think we also deserve a pleasant little scene to replace when they get back and there’s the whole Lila/Five dramatic cheating reveal on Christmas at her families house 👀👀👀

It would be them all regrouping at Lila and Diego’s house because they get back and it makes sense to regroup there

They walk in holding hands. Five helps Morgan in and refuses to let go of them the whole time they regroup.

The funny stuff comes from everyone on the couch, while explaining their info, trying to figure out what is going on with Five and Morgan.

Five is sitting on the arm of the chair Morgan is in, his arm is around them and finally Klaus is the one to break tension and be like

“Obviously the elephant in the room though… what is THIS!?”

And just motions to five and Morgan and five and Morgan get to explain how the subway was a bust and they got trapped there for almost 7 years

Lila tries to push to use the subway again and they all get in an argument about using it

She argues that Morgan decoded it so they can read the map now.

Five argues back that they decoded how to get back here, it would take weeks to figure out which specific world would be the one they needed to do all of what they wanted

Lila is angry that they didn’t map that while they were stuck

Morgan jumps in with the are you kidding we were stuck there seven years because that’s how long it took to figure out how to read the map all while trying to survive. Sorry that wasn’t enough for them all.

Essentially we get that argument but then the same things cascade like before. Things fall apart and we end up at the end of the world again. Once again my version of the cleanse occurs. (Because I refuse to acknowledge the real ending and think all of them deserve happiness and to live. Sue me.)

These next bullets happen in the universe where my version of the ending is cannon once again you can read it here.

Morgan and Five’s moment of the subway train is not exactly the same as Ash’s but kind of similar. Five asks apologizes for the fact Morgan’s first ever field mission was ending like this. He asks if they regret getting involved with him now that they know what’s happening.

“Are you kidding me? This is the kind of mission kids get told stories about and then join the CIA because of. I got to decode an alien language, time travel, possibly save the world, and fall in love with a super hero… I almost hope this resets because…”

They put a hand on Fives cheek. “I’d love to do this all again… I only got to complete one mission with you as my partner so, please find me? Even if you forget me? Find me. So we can do more big things together.”

“Of course…”

Five is seated with them on the train bench. He’s holding them with one arm and holding his family with the other when the train hits the reset point.

Again the next we see them both, is when the person I called his wife in the polkadot blouse comes walking into the classroom. Now Five’s spouse in the true timeline, full name Morgan Delores Murphy (Male/Female/ Or Nonbinary) Also PHD is wearing dress pants and a polkadot button up shirt is handed a puzzle box when they sit on Five’s desk in the final montage.

In the scene where they’re gathered around a tv in the physics building we five holding a mug aloft. Five drinks from it. It’s personalized to say “Life Is About More Than Rocket Science.” They’re still the same couple who make the same jokes and give the same gifts. No matter what timeline.

That is Morgan’s Arc. Someone who desperately wanted to be Fives equal and prove themselves. Someone who Five saw himself in and refused to let become him. Someone who is helped through the speedrun version of what happened to Five and comes out the other side fulfilled, safe and supported not wired up, scared, and paranoid. Morgan’s character is essentially meant to be a mirror to reflect all of what Five has been doing to others back at him. So Morgan becomes Fives equal by literally experiencing a smaller scale version of what Five went through and being allowed to process it all along side Five in real time.

Thank you so much if you’re still here! I appreciate you taking the time to read this. You’re amazing. If you liked this or have thoughts on it, I would love to discuss these things more with you! Message me! I want your feedback! If you hated this don’t message me. I’m terrified of your feedback! I’m so sorry, and if I could erase it from your memory, I would. Please forgive me.

Thank you so much for reading this far if you have!

Have a wonderful day!

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Extras if you want:

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These are other things I think would be great but have no clue where they could go In the timeline or where they’d be appropriate:

A scene where five asks Morgan about how they were enjoying field work and Morgan says to remind them to tell the boss they never want to go into the field EVER again.

A bit with Ash where it’s established that they always pick up ( I cannot emphasize enough that no matter WHAT TIME. THEY ALWAYS PICK UP) and this is mentioned at some point in the story. maybe they get kidnapped by Gene and Jean. (This is if it’s a 10 episode season and there’s time for this)They don’t pick up. And this is something that Five is immediately shaken by.

I didn’t explain how Morgan would track Five in their outline but it would be kind of a gag I think. Morgan pops up in places where Five asks how they found him. Morgan always replies with

“I put a tracker in your ____”

it’s always a different piece of clothing. His socks. His Tie. His jacket. His hat. His Shirt. and the next time five pops up he’s either removed that piece of clothing or replaced it. The reality? It’s in his shoes. The tracker is in his shoes. And when this is finally revealed to Five in the subway he can’t stop laughing. Of course. He only has like three pairs and one pair is exclusively for work of course that where Morgan would have planted trackers. God he’s an idiot. Morgan is very proud of themselves for this.

An interaction as follows when they’re in the subway or maybe when Viktor says Five’s name:

“Max huh?”

“Yes, it’s short for Maximillian and I hate it. Please don’t start.”

Laughing then “Don’t sweat it. I understand. I’m not a huge fan of my name either.”

Five gives them a curious look.

A Sigh “My Full Name is (Morrigan/Asher) Delores Wilcox.”

We get a shot of Five’s whole demeanor shifting, like he’s been punched in the gut. He’s short circuiting. He’s blank. No fucking way. No FUCKING way. No fucking WAY. That is NOT their middle name. (If he had a nickel for every time he’d been stranded somewhere in time for a great many years with only someone named Delores for company, he’d have two nickels which isn’t a lot but it’s insane it’s happened twice)

Love interest takes this as a sign he hates it too.

“Yeah see?! Even you think it’s awful. God damn it! Please don’t—“

“It’s wonderful.”

“What?”

“I love it. It’s perfect for you.”

“Really? You don’t think it’s too fancy?”

“I think it suits you…”

“Oh, well… thank you.”

There’s silence while they go about doing things. Five breaks it suddenly

“Weird question but… how do you feel about sequins?”

“I love them?”

“I fucking knew it.”

“What?”

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daycourtofficial · 7 months ago

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Personal update below

Tw: pregnancy loss, miscarriage, blood

Here it is, the words I’ve been unable to type, much less say out loud. Late in the night a few nights ago, I woke up to some abdominal cramping and went to the bathroom. I had been bleeding vaginally all day, but not enough to be super concerned.

I woke up and went to the bathroom, and knew something was wrong. To spare the details, I was bleeding a lot, cramping severely, and I knew my baby was gone. I felt empty inside, despite only being about 7 or 8 weeks pregnant. Intuition, I suppose. I just felt so lonely, as if I wasn’t supposed to be the only occupant in my body.

My husband took me to the hospital and after hours of invasive poking, prodding, and testing, a nurse practitioner I will likely never see again, who will likely never think of me again, told me that my baby was gone. He was straight forward, which I like in medical personnel. He told me my pregnancy was unviable and that it’s common. That we shouldn’t worry. These things happen. It’s normal, common. The three or so minutes felt like an eternity, waiting for him to leave so I could fall apart in the privacy of my husband’s arms, despite the lack of privacy an emergency department offers.

The hospital was so sterile, the bright lights and lack of windows made it impossible for you to track the passage of time. The winding hallways a maze of monotony, making it impossible to know how to return to your room without a guide. The walls were devoid of any real color, save for tv screens and workplace posters. And yet, the room I was placed in was the only room with decorative curtains. All the other curtains were just a shade of navy.

Mine had flowers on it, as if the world or God or the hospital wanted to offer me some reprieve, some reminder that for the hospital, this was routine, but that it wasn’t routine for me. That I deserved something for my eyes to find comfort in.

So here it is, the new reality I find myself in. My baby is gone. The rare statement that, once it becomes true, will never change.

I’m reeling a bit from this loss, as you can imagine. I’m gutted. I got married right at the beginning of the year, falling pregnant not long after. I joked with my husband that I started the year off becoming a wife and was ending the year becoming a mom. I suppose it really was just a joke in the end, but I’m not sure if the punchline was me or my continued optimism, in spite all that I’ve endured.

Anyway, everyone was extraordinarily kind to me when I had posted that I was pregnant. I know that technically I don’t owe anyone details of my personal life, especially not this personal, but I wanted to share it because I don’t want to be sad and alone. And perhaps this will find its way to someone else who has felt some loss recently, whether it be the loss of someone or something, or a loss of self or identity, or a loss of the future you had planned out. Maybe they will feel some connection to this. Or maybe one day someone will think of this as they reel with their own loss.

I don’t regret sharing the news so early, despite the circumstances that have now led me to making this post. Any joy we can find is worth sharing, even if it’s fleeting, especially if it’s fleeting, and even if it’s for some stranger on the internet.

Anyway, I have my dogs and my husband, who are very loving. I’m not sure when I’ll post this, I’ll likely stick it in my queue somewhere so it feels less like I’m hitting the ‘post’ button and more like softly whispering all of this in the wind.

I will be okay, I always am. Grief is a black hole I am trying navigate and figure out where it ends and I begin, trying to remember what my new life will be like and how to grieve yet another version of myself lost to time and trauma and sadness.

There is no narrative device here, nothing I did could’ve changed the outcome. Sometimes the world is just needlessly cruel.

This doesn’t really affect anything on here or what I choose to interact with. I’m still okay discussing/reading/writing about babies and kids and everything in that realm. I just didn’t want anyone asking after the baby and making someone feel bad for wanting to know how I was doing.

Anyway, I don’t want to end this on a despairing note, even though that is the tune of my life at the moment. I want to remember that my now is not my forever, and I hope anyone reading this that is experiencing any manner of suffering takes as much out of that sentiment as I do.

Yours,

V ❤️

#personal note

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bbcphile · 10 months ago

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CPTSD and Mysterious Lotus Casebook Part II: Di Feisheng, Violence, and Emotional Regulation

In last week’s meta, I wrote about complex CPTSD, its stereotypes, and how DFS and LLH each show different aspects of CPTSD symptoms.

This week’s post focuses on DFS and self regulation, including emotional regulation. As I mentioned before, it’s common for tv shows and films to have characters who have survived child abuse or traumatic combat situations be affected by out of control, violent outbursts. What I find fascinating about DFS, however, is that, while the jianghu and even Li Lianhua initially see him as someone who resorts to violence at the slightest provocation, that’s not at all who he is according to what we see on screen. While he does lash out with violence, he is more in control of his actions, expression of emotions, and violent impulses than just about anyone in the show.

Emotional Regulation

Emotional regulation is a challenge with complex PTSD for a number of reasons, including:

Traditional flashbacks (re-experiencing the traumatic memories as though it is happening again)

Emotional flashbacks (experiencing all the emotions from the trauma as intensely as if it were happening again, including grief, rage, betrayal, fear, etc.)

Body memories (experiencing the physical sensations of the trauma like it’s happening again)

Hypervigilance (being constantly on the lookout for threats to defend against them and keep yourself safe) and its resultant irritability and overstimulation

Intrusive thoughts (seeing images or thinking thoughts related to the trauma that you can’t block out)

Nightmares (of the trauma), or insomnia from avoiding nightmares and the resulting exhaustion and irritability from sleep deprivation

As a result, anything that reminds someone of the trauma can be a trigger that could set off any or all of these reactions. That means, for DFS, that being betrayed by someone he trusted, or being poisoned and made powerless, or being attacked by someone with more power than him, or confronting his abuser is never about experiencing just that event in isolation: it almost always brings up the feelings of the earlier, even more traumatic times similar things have happened. Also, it’s not just events or people’s actions that can be triggers: smells, colors, textures, sounds, tastes, shapes, terrain, enclosed spaces, decor style—anything can trigger this sort of re-experiencing. As you might imagine, responding appropriately to people and situations can be difficult when your brain is constantly telling you that you are in danger or actively being harmed!

How do people deal with being bombarded by emotions, memories, and sensations of the worst times of their lives? The version media shows most often is a traditional “fight” response, where people lash out at others, either preemptively to avoid being hurt or in retaliation for a real or perceived hurt, although lots of survivors of CPTSD turn this fight response inwards in what I’ve started calling “lashing in,” where, like Li Lianhua, they direct the anger and hatred that should go toward the perpetrators of abuse toward themselves instead. (There’s also the “flight” response—avoiding and running away from things that remind you of the trauma or throwing yourself into distractions by being a workaholic—or the “freeze” response of dissociation, or the “fawn” response of trying to appease and placate someone harming you, but more on those another day.)

DFS, Violence, and Emotional Regulation

I want to emphasize that I’m not saying DFS isn’t violent: Di Feisheng does lash out, verbally and physically! (And for a great image set of the number of people he chokes, check out this post by @difeisheng.) What I find fascinating about DFS is the way he is such an interesting twist on the idea of lashing out; he’s not hurting others during a flashback or nightmare, or harming others as an outlet for his anger, or killing first and asking questions later to stay safe. He’s using violence but in a deliberate, controlled way, and as a last resort. And this is even more impressive given all the potential things that might trigger him.

Leaving Seclusion

His first appearance as an adult in the show’s present highlights this beautifully: his first act when he breaks free from seclusion is to tell Jiao Liqiao and Yao Mo not to kill the people who have intruded on his hideout, which is the reason FDB and LLH live past episode 5. This is wild to me, because it would be easy for someone who has been on the run from the Di Fortress his entire life and clearly fears being recaptured to say they deserve death for trespassing or because they could be Di Fortress spies. Or, since he spent a decade recovering from injuries liable to make him feel helpless, he could have used it as a chance to fight them as a way of proving to himself that he is still strong and capable and unlikely to be recaptured. Instead, he tells JLQ and Xue Gong to stand down and uses his qinggong to leave the scene, not even interrogating them to find out more. So, even though being unexpectedly interrupted while he’s still weaker than he used to be would activate his hypervigilance and increase the likelihood of him lashing out, he doesn’t. Anything he’s feeling stays internal and not on his face, such that he looks and acts unaffected. And since it’s one of his earliest appearances, it’s proof that this pattern is present from the start. It’s not just Li Lianhua’s influence or DFS’ time without memories as a-Fei soothing his bad temper or rage or uncontrolled violence: he was never out of control to begin with.

Asura Grass

DFS’ restraint comes into play again when he finds out that Li Lianhua blocked his meridians with Asura grass, interfering with his ability to access his qi. I am feral about this moment. DFS has spent his entire life trying to be as strong as possible so he would never be helpless again and regularly has nightmares/flashbacks of his childhood in the Di Fortress in which he didn’t have the strength, training, or skills to defend himself properly, and to times he was helpless and couldn’t control his own body because of the mind control bug that had been put into him against his will. His nightmares show that he remembers the pain it caused when the Di Fortress head rang the bell, and that the bug writhed in his neck while triggering that pain. In poisoning him with the Asura grass, something that literally moves and grows inside him to make him weaker and unable to fully defend himself, LLH could have unknowingly reenacted that trauma from Di Fortress. The fact that it happens immediately after two positive things–he had regained the strength he’d lost so he’d be feeling safer and freer than he had for the last decade, and the fact that he’d just found LXY alive after mourning him and losing interest in martial arts beyond wanting the security his skills provide–would have made this betrayal hurt even more: it’s the sort of thing that crushes hope and makes you think you’ll always be trapped. That it came from someone he cared for (as a rival, as an aspirational figure, as his equal, as a romantic prospect, etc.) and still mostly trusted could have itself been a trigger because of the early days at Di Fortress when he learned the hard way that his options were kill or be killed, and trust and kindness didn’t fit into that world. Despite the fact that LLH’s using Asura grass on him would be an incredibly painful combination of triggers and terrible timing, DFS stays mind-boggling in control of his external reactions. When he realizes his meridians are blocked, his face falls and his fingers twitch slightly (they are usually either held completely still in a studied, neutral rounded position or in a fist if he’s really mad about something and doesn’t mind showing it externally), and he starts to take a step towards LLH. But before he’s moved much at all, LLH tells him to stay where he is and not come closer.

And he stops.

He’s having Big Feelings about it (and who wouldn’t? Especially since part of his trauma is being immobilized when trying to get back at the person who harmed him!), as the Throat Bob of Feeling (his biggest emotional tell) shows, but he stops and hears LLH out.

He escalates things later by putting his sword to LLH’s throat and telling him he’ll torture him to get the cure, but it’s more a warning than an actual threat; the fabric of LLH’s robes is between the blade and his skin so not even the flesh will be nicked. And once he learns that LLH is doing this not to harm him but because he wants his help–before he even knows what LLH wants his help with–he removes his dao from LLH’s neck and asks for more details. (There’s so much to say about how he wields words in this conversation, too, but it’s already getting too long!) This interaction shows that, for him, physical violence is to counter an active threat, even if he’s mad and hurting, and that his default even during times of extreme stress is to stay calm, despite how incredibly hard that would be for anyone.

DFS and FDB

This could be an entire meta on its own, but since it’s more obvious than some of the other points, all I’ll say here is that Fang Duobing and Di Feisheng argue and fight all the time, but Di Feisheng almost never instigates it: DFS usually tries to ignore FDB and walk away to avoid the conflict entirely, and once FDB throws the first punch, DFS’s goal is to get out of the fight, not to hurt him. Look at how FDB is actually trying to choke DFS when they’re wrestling and DFS is more bracing against his shoulder, as @difeisheng has said, or even at the rest of the fight choreography where each of DFS’ strikes is to force FDB to let go of him and to leave the room.

(Note: FDB tries to strangle DFS first, whereas DFS is mainly trying to brace himself against his arms and keep him at arm’s length.

Even in the ep 13 fight, when Di Feisheng eventually poisons Fang Duobing with gang qi, he gives him several verbal warnings to draw his sword first, because he doesn’t want to fight someone who is unarmed. He’s also not trying to kill FDB; he’s trying to hurt him just enough that LLH is forced to ask for his help and agree to live. (More on this in the yin leaves meta I will eventually write.) So, again, it’s controlled violence in service of a larger goal, not vengeful, uncontrolled lashing out.

DFS and the Limits of Emotional Regulation

There are 3 main times when DFS’ control over his anger/hurt/violence is shaken or in jeopardy: 1. when he finds out Li Lianhua was poisoned and is dying; 2. when he wakes up in pain and with no memories in the corpse seller’s place; and 3. when he wakes up from a nightmare/flashback–still without memories–in a bed with LLH hovering over him. For each, I’ll explain possible reasons the event could be so triggering to clarify why he struggled with emotional regulation. (Also, keep in mind that being triggered can happen even if the person in question doesn’t consciously know what triggered them or why, so while he might be aware of some or all of the connections between the present event and his past experiences, he wouldn’t need to be consciously aware of any of them for them to affect him emotionally and make it harder for him to control his response.)

Fight over Bicha

The scene where DFS learns that LXY was poisoned for their donghai battle and thought it was on DFS’ order is fascinating, because it is the most angry and volatile we see DFS at any point in the show as an adult: he yells, repeatedly, his voice shaking with emotion, and he chokes Li Lianhua twice. Given how tightly controlled he is the rest of the time—including when he confronts his abusers and any of the times he is captured or tortured (I’ll talk about the latter two in a dissociation meta later)—that means that whatever he is feeling must be overpowering to shake his iron control. So before we get into analyzing the way that he is still showing restraint, even here, we need to address why this realization would be such a trigger for him.

Although DFS claims he’s angry and upset about the realization because he wants to be the best in a fair fight and his previous fake victory made him seem like a joke, it seems highly likely he’s not telling the full story, since that’s not really a thing he does. (For a full listing of things he lies about or deliberately omits/withholds, check out this post.) In fact, it seems very likely his reaction happened because of just how many triggers this scenario managed to hit. For example, at Di Fortress, he was forced into fights he didn’t want to participate in, where the odds were stacked against him because he was a child forced to fight people older and more experienced than he was, so as an adult, he wants to fight people who are at his level, and not people weaker than he is, because he doesn’t want to continue the cycle. This is why he isn’t interested in fighting other people on the martial arts list, why he barely expends any power at all on fighting the Sigu sect members, etc. He knows what it feels like to be on the other side of that, and in the same way that he wants to free the children in the Di Fortress so they don’t have to suffer as he did, so he wants to never be the cause of someone suffering under an imbalance of power. Also, since every escape attempt from Di Fortress and every attack against his abusive master was rigged against him—because the mind control bug could stop him in his tracks—he likewise doesn’t want to deprive someone of their agency like that. We also know that Di Feisheng and Li Xiangyi signed a peace treaty for five years, where they promised not to attack each other; that promise not to attack each other was exactly what he kept trying to form with the other prisoners in Di Fortress, but he couldn’t find anyone to agree and just got stabbed for his efforts.

Li Xiangyi breaking the peace treaty would have shattered that dream (and probably his heart a bit, too), but even that wouldn’t hurt as much as finding out, all at the same time, that:

1. He had thought he was the best in the world at martial arts which to him meant safety and security from Di Fortress, and he just found out it was based on a lie;

2. His now second-in-command, JLQ, had poisoned LXY (which violated the peace treaty), a betrayal that would reactivate his already very prevalent trust issues;

3. He had fought and almost killed someone in a rigged fight when he tries to be deliberate about his kills and violence so as not to perpetuate the abuse he suffered from;

4. JLQ had essentially tried to turn him into the butcher the head of Di Fortress wanted him to be, and he hadn’t known it for a decade;

5. LXY had spent a decade thinking DFS endorsed the sort of abuses he abhorred;

6. LXY is now dying and mostly powerless because of what was done in his name and because he didn’t notice the poisoning kicking in, and LXY refuses to fight for his life or to give DFS a chance to save him and essentially undo the harm that has been done. To DFS, LXY is making him complicit in his death yet again, which would mean being again responsible for the death of someone he wants to live, just like he was as a child.

Oh, and he’s facing all this with his meridians blocked and without access to his qi, which means he’s most likely feeling perpetually hypervigilant and helpless, which would mean everything is likely to feel like even more of a threat and emotional regulation is even harder.

In short, it is a clusterfuck of epic proportions. And this is all assuming that he mainly thought of LXY as purely a rival he respected: if you read DFS as already loving LXY (whether he realizes it consciously or not), you can see why it would be even worse.

And of course, all of Li Lianhua’s suggestions that DFS pretend he didn’t hear or move on and fight someone else are not addressing the main issues, because he doesn’t know them. But if DFS wasn’t about to tell LXY that someone was framing the Jinyuan alliance for the murder of SGD a decade ago, he’s certainly not about to tell him his deepest secret–that due to a mind control bug, one ring of a bell can render him absolutely helpless, which is why fair fights and being strong enough to defeat any enemy are incredibly important to him–so of course, to LLH, it’s just about DFS wanting to prove he’s the best as part of an ego trip, even though that’s not it at all. And of course LLH’s dismissiveness is going to make everything worse for DFS.

With all that in mind, let’s look at his body language and actions to see how he handles things when he is incredibly close to losing it. Although he does lash out, his first choice, as always, isn’t violence: he gathers info via eavesdropping–rather than bursting in during a fit of rage as soon as he learns the truth–and when he confronts LLH, he yells at him first, telling him what he overheard. It’s only when LLH tries to avoid the subject by snarking at him about eavesdropping instead of telling him the truth that DFS grabs LLH by the neck and shoves him against a pillar.

The moment in the entire show he is at his angriest is when he yells “It matters!” after LLH says it doesn’t matter who won or lost.

This is what DFS looks like when he’s losing control: his arm shakes for an instant before he locks the muscles to keep in place, and he puts a tad more pressure than he meant to on LLH’s neck before he realizes it and pulls back again. He’s been incredibly truthful here, in a way: the fact that he didn’t win because Li Lianhua was poisoned matters tremendously to him. He’s just not saying why and letting LLH believe the worst of him, which is another of his common strategies.

In case there’s any doubt that DFS’s choking of LLH is more designed to warn than to harm and is overall incredibly controlled apart from that moment, just look at his grip: Li Lianhua can talk and breathe normally and even turn his head the first time, so this move designed to show that DFS is mad, hurt, and serious about the conversation rather than actually trying to hurt or punish LLH or cut off his air. He also lets go completely while trying to convince LLH to let him cure him. He only grips Li Lianhua’s neck again when LLH refuses to accept help and only applies any real force when Li Lianhua essentially calls his bluff about killing people from Baichuan Court (or rather, tells his own bluff–a lie that he doesn’t care what happens to them).

Even there, since he’s making threats he doesn’t mean, he’s very much trying to play into the villain role LLH saw/sees him as (the person who murdered SGD, broke a peace treaty, and poisoned him), but he’s not doing it to harm LLH or “just” force him to have a second duel: he’s doing it to try to convince him to live, to give him something to fight (him) for: the safety of other people DFS thinks LLH cares about most.

After all, most of the conversation isn’t about a second duel at all: it’s about DFS trying to convince LLH to let him find a cure. No wonder he has the Throat Bob of Feeling twice when LLH explains that he’s dying and doesn’t have much time left.

With that in mind, the fact that DFS uses the traditional Di family choking move again when LLH refuses to agree to let DFS try to cure him is a fascinating metaphor for how DFS approaches violence when it comes to LXY: he’s using a move designed to cause harm, but with the intent to convince LLH to accept help. In other words, he’s using a technique designed to kill to try to force Li Lianhua to live.

a-Fei and Hypervigilance

Even when DFS wakes up with amnesia, only remembering “kill or be killed” and some of his worst trauma memories, and would be most likely to act on pure instinct, he still exercises restraint. When he finds himself first at the corpse seller’s and later at Lotus Tower, not knowing how he got to either place, it would be the work of a moment to snap the neck of the man trying to sell him to be married to a dead woman without his consent, or to stab the hair stick (or knife? I can’t tell which) from the nightstand through Li Lianhua’s throat. But even then, when he’d have every reason to assume his life is in jeopardy and he needs to kill first, he doesn’t. In both cases, he pauses, gathers information, and listens, and lets go. (And yes, he collapses in the first of these two instances instead of actively making the choice to let go, but he’s already loosened his grip to listen to Li Lianhua, and when he sees the corpse seller the next day, he doesn’t try to harm him, or even exhibit any animosity at all toward him, showing again that once the threat is passed, so too has his desire for violence.) Even when he’s under threat or having a flashback and all he knows is killing, he doesn’t kill.

DFS and Violence against Abusers

Even when he does intend to harm–particularly with his two abusers, the head of Di Fortress and Jiao Liqiao (who he kills, even though it goes against his policy of not killing women)–his emotions and actions are tightly controlled: while he does choke them and destroy their meridians, and tell them why he’s getting revenge, his voice, strength, and facial expressions are almost superhumanly regulated.

Confronting an abuser is incredibly difficult, because it usually triggers the feelings of fear and helplessness that were experienced during the abuse. It might be hard to imagine DFS feeling fear or helplessness because he doesn’t explicitly show it as an adult much, but the fact that he still has nightmares/flashbacks of being immobilized and hurt by the head of Di Fortress means that even though he’s an adult who is at the top of the jianghu, he’s still regularly re-experiencing the terror of being helpless and at his mercy for decades, and his fear of helplessness has motivated almost every action of his since. That means that he would be struggling during that confrontation, fighting off literal and emotional flashbacks and/or dissociation, and trying to convince his brain that he’s no longer a helpless child about to be punished or killed. And, generally speaking, once you’ve confronted one abuser, future confrontations with different abusers trigger all the feelings from the confrontation with the earlier abuser, especially if the aftermath of the confrontation was traumatic (which, given that it’s when JLQ incapacitated, captured, and tortured him, it definitely was). So, when confronting JLQ, he’s probably reexperiencing that fear and helplessness on top of everything else. And, given how often we see him show nothing, even while being tortured, the cracks in his facade here speak to just how deeply the confrontations are affecting him.

He doesn’t even raise his voice, and the only hints of the toll the confrontations are taking on him are tiny, almost invisible facial movements, which you can see in the gifs below:

When the head of Di Fortress offers to make him the new master and in charge of abusing others, the muscles of one cheek and under the opposite eye start twitching.

(and zoomed in if you need a close up!)

2. When JLQ taunts him after he broke free from her prison by saying “Do you want to escape?” his jaw works from side to side as he forces himself to not react.

3. When he chokes JLQ after she says she’ll kill LLH for being the reason DFS doesn’t love her, it takes him two tries to speak before his voice works (look at his lips forming the opening word twice before working the third time.)

So, clearly, the lapses in his control aren’t violent outbursts; they speak to something far more nuanced than that, namely, the emotional turmoil confronting an abuser brings up.

[Also, compare this to LLH’s reaction when he finds out SGD tricked their shifu into sacrificing himself for him. He’s flooded by his emotions, which affects his fighting style, and it triggers a Bicha flare. Note: I’m NOT criticizing LLH here. His reaction makes perfect sense and I’m not saying DFS’ approach is better. I am saying that it’s unusual to have the hero be the one who lashes out and has less emotional control and to have the person the jianghu sees as the temper-tantrum prone villain be the one who keeps his emotions in a chokehold.]

So many shows have confrontation scenes with an abuser be either profoundly triumphant events or violent revenge fantasies where the character almost loses control beating up the person who harmed them. These scenes are fascinating not just because DFS doesn’t rejoice or lose control, but because of the way DFS’ microexpressions show how hard the confrontations are for him. These are not the actions of someone who is controlled by rage or violent impulses. They’re the actions of someone who has spent so much of his life with his body controlled by the non-existent mercy of others that he refuses to let anything, including his emotions and memories, wrestle his hard-won control of his body away from him. Of someone who knows what it’s like to suffer, powerless, at the violent hands of others, and tries to make sure that the violence he commits with his own hands is well-reasoned and justified. Of someone who is hypervigilant not only to external threats but to the threat he himself could be.

In other words, the extreme amount of control he exercises over himself and the way he is hypervigilant to the threat that he could pose and the way he goes out of his way to not abuse power over others the way he was abused is itself a manifestation of his complex CPTSD.

The portrayal of his cPTSD is particularly interesting when you realize that the out of control, hyperviolent danger to society villain stereotype is exactly who the jianghu thinks Di Feisheng is for most of the show. But the reality is that Di Feisheng has more self-control than the rest of the lotus trio (certainly more than Fang Duobing does), even when he’s being violent. And, just as the jianghu’s legends have very little basis in reality and do damage to the characters, so does the caricature of a hyperviolent traumatized villain have almost nothing in common with the real experiences and symptoms of cPTSD and actively harm survivors. And I’m thrilled that this show is giving us new narratives about trauma to challenge that stereotype.

As for how he holds on to that type of control over himself, given that struggles with emotional regulation are part of having complex ptsd? The short answer is a combination of compartmentalization, dissociation, habit, and grounding techniques (including meditation).

Stay tuned for a post on these coping mechanisms and the evidence from the show that he uses them.

#mysterious lotus casebook #lianhua lou #mlc meta #Di Feisheng #lhl #complex PTSD #PTSD #dihua #Sorry it's incredibly long!#I hope y'all meant it when you told me not to cut anything from it #also I learned to make gifs for this!#Please be impressed: it was hard and stressful

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duskandcobalt · 7 months ago

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Everywhere, Everything: Chapter Four

Chapter Summary: Azriel meets Elain’s new boyfriend at Nyx’s birthday party. Graysen has some questions about Elain’s “friend.”

Word Count: 4.4K

Missed the first three chapters? You can find the Masterlist for this fic here 🥰

A/N: chapter four already!! Thank you to everyone that’s read this fic and commented or interacted in anyway! I’ve had the loveliest messages come through and it’s been such a joy to chat with you guys about this. I’m a little extra nervous to post this chapter, please keep in mind that this is a bit of a slow burn and we must suffer a little before we get our reward. Alternate title is “Graysen Slander (Azriel’s version)”

ENJOY XX

Read on AO3

Flying back home to Velaris had caused Elain a level of anxiety that had previously been unknown to her.

There used to be a time where she enjoyed seeing her city from the birds-eye-view of an airplane window. She loved to look down and admire the twinkling lights on either side of the sprawling river that split her hometown in half. She liked to scan the buildings as they came into view and point out each place that held a space of her heart because of the special memories attached.

There was her elementary school, the movie theater parking lot where she had her first kiss, and her favourite library. There was the ice-cream shop located a few blocks from their childhood home that she and her sisters would sneak out to at all hours of the night for their cookie dough fix, not bothering to change out of their robes and slippers. She’d look out for the small park where she and Nesta spent their Saturday’s sprawled in the grass, reading books and gossiping. Her heart ached as she spotted the rose and sculpture garden she and Azriel liked to stroll through early on Sunday mornings, hot cups of coffee warming their hands as they walked and talked, Azriel leaning in close to tell Elain that the roses there had nothing on the ones that she grew in her garden.

She hadn’t bothered to point any of those places out to Graysen as their flight had made its descent. Hadn't really felt the need or desire to share those parts of herself with him. She’d just sat quietly, staring straight at her own reflection in the little screen in front of her as she took deep breaths to try and ease the rapid beating of her heart.

Her anxiety had calmed a little once they’d landed and disembarked, emerging from their gate to Nyx’s loud squeal of her name which brought her back to reality just in time for her to drop her bags and catch his tiny body as he ran towards her at full speed and flung himself into her outstretched arms.

“Hi, baby!” She’d hugged him tight, overwhelmed by just how much she’d missed him.

“Hi, Lain!” Nyx giggled, his little face tucked tight against her neck.

She hadn’t questioned the nickname, one her nephew had never called her before, because she had been too distracted breathing in the scent of his hair - the scent of the same watermelon shampoo that her mother had used during bath time when she and her sisters were kids. It was comforting and familiar and exactly what she needed to push past the worry that had rendered her useless for the past few hours..

The initial introductions had gone as well as she could’ve hoped.

Graysen had defaulted back to the easy charm that he’d used back in the day to talk Elain into a drink and it seemed to work on Feyre and Rhys well enough that the drive back to their house and the late dinner that followed were easy and painless. The only hiccup was that Nyx refused to even greet Graysen and had thrown him the most menacing looks he could muster up each time Graysen so much as attempted to hold Elain’s hand.

“He’s jealous,” Feyre had laughed nervously, embarrassed by her son’s behavior after he’d insisted on sitting next to Elain at dinner. “He’s always been a little territorial when it comes to her and since he hasn’t seen her in a few months…”

Graysen had laughed it off but Elain had caught the annoyance in his demeanor at the idea of having to share her. Even if the person he was sharing her with was just her soon-to-be five year old nephew.

Elain’s anxiety returned in full force the next afternoon when guests began to arrive for Nyx’s party. No amount of rearranging balloons or organising the treat station could keep her attention off the front door each and every time it opened. It was only a matter of time before he showed up and the wait was torture. In the years she’d known Azriel, he’d never once missed an important event when it came to his friends and there was no way he’d start now.

“So…” Nesta appeared next to her suddenly, head cocked to the side as she leant against the table and watched in amusement as Elain straightened the goodie bags for the seventh or eighth time that hour. “Graysen seems nice.”

“Yeah,” Elain nodded, not bothering to look up from the little cellophane bags full of treats that she’d been busying herself with for the last ten minutes. She didn’t need to look at Nesta to know her true feelings. She could hear it in her voice. “He’s great.”

“He’s very… passionate.” Her sister studied her nails as she fought to hold back the teasing smile that played on her lips. “About work. And golf. And work. And his car… Did I mention his work? Because he certainly did.”

“Okay, okay.” Elain groaned, casting a fleeting glance across the room where Graysen was still chatting to Rhysand.

She sent a thank you to the universe that Feyre had married a man that had the talent and patience to talk to absolutely anyone. She couldn’t say the same for Cassian, who had quickly maneuvered out of that conversation and over to the backyard to terrorize the kids, instead.

“He just loves his job,” Elain shrugged, finally turning to face her sister.

Nesta raised a perfectly manicured brow, fixing Elain with a pointed look. “You mean he loves money.”

There was a reason Elain had never introduced a boy to her family and the reason was standing directly in front of her, all perfectly coiffed hair and dangerous eyes. Feyre could find a way to see the good in anyone and the boys would say they were okay with whoever Elain dated as long as she was happy. But Nesta - Nesta had always had a knack for seeing straight through any of Elain’s lies and she’d never been afraid to call her out when necessary. It was a quality Elain had come to appreciate from time to time but she didn’t appreciate it today.

“I mean… he does work in finance.”

“Elain.” Another pointed look was thrown in her direction.

“Nesta.”

“He looks like he pays more for a haircut than I do.”

“Nesta!” Elain hit her sister on the arm, unable to stifle the laugh that bubbled to the surface. She knew exactly how much Graysen paid for his hair cuts and Nesta was right. “He’s nice.”

“You know who’s nicer...” Nesta said it under her breath but Elain heard her loud and clear.

“Stop,” Elain lowered her voice. “Please. You promised.”

“I promised I wouldn’t tell the boys and I haven’t,” she replied without missing a beat. “I never promised we wouldn’t talk about it at all.”

“Nesta, please. I can’t talk about this now.”

What Elain really wanted to say was that she couldn’t talk about this ever, but she knew that would only result in more back and forth and right now all she wanted was for this conversation to be over.

“He’s miserable, El.” Nesta lowered her voice to match Elain’s. “He’s very good at acting like he’s fine but he’s not. You just left and I know you’ve cut him off completely since and -”

“I haven’t spoken to anyone, really. It’s not like I’ve only stopped talking to hi-” Elain abruptly stopped speaking, standing up straight and plastering a smile on her face just as she spotted Graysen beginning to make his way towards them.

He didn’t have a chance to say anything, had only just managed to sling an arm around Elain’s waist when the front door swung open and Shadow came flying through. She was nothing but a black blur, ducking and dodging around furniture as she ran straight through to the kitchen. She paused in front of Rhys for a quick hello before she made a beeline towards where Elain stood with Nesta and Graysen by the dining room table.

Her long tail wagged furiously, whipping against the wooden leg of the table. Shadow was seemingly unbothered, too busy flailing around happily between Nesta’s legs before she finally came to a stop in front of Elain. Her long snout nuzzled into Elain’s open palm and her lean body leant heavily against her thighs.

Much like Nyx, Shadow paid Graysen little to no attention other than to sniff in his direction just once which Elain thought quite strange given that Shadow loved meeting new people and she’d famously always favored the company of men.

“Hi, Shadow girl!” Elain cooed, crouching down to properly greet the dog that had come to feel like her own over the years. She’d gone with Azriel the day he’d picked her up and brought her home, had even helped name her. “Look how gray you’ve gotten!”

“She’ll be nine next week.”

The timber of his voice hit her at the exact same time as the familiar scent of his cedar cologne and Elain was suddenly grateful that she was already on the ground because if she’d been standing, she was sure her knees would’ve given out completely.

Elain swallowed her nerves, raising her eyes from Shadow’s sweet salt and pepper face to look up at Azriel only to find that every bit of his attention was focused solely on her.

“Hi, Lain.”

There were a couple beats of silence before Elain got a hold of herself and stood up. She stepped forward and before she could stop herself, she raised onto the very tips of her toes and wound her arms around his neck. Azriel’s arms wrapped around her waist in turn, tentatively at first before she felt his fingers flex against the middle of her back as he relaxed, readjusting his grip to pull her tight against his chest as if it was the most natural thing in the world. Probably because it had been at one point in time.

“Hi, Az.” She whispered into his neck, breathing in the divine scent of him. The scent of home.

“Hey, Azriel!” Nesta said loudly from behind them, effectively breaking the trance that Elain had unwittingly found herself in.

She let go of Azriel quickly and took a large step back, bumping into the dining table, as Nesta took her place in his arms.

She was only just aware of Graysen staring at her in her peripheral, his hand once again heavy against her hip.

“Were you planning on introducing me?” He asked her as Azriel and Nesta separated and Azriel turned to face them again. Elain hadn’t noticed that she’d been staring dumbly straight ahead - directly at Azriel’s chest.

He was wearing an oatmeal coloured fisherman’s sweater that she’d told him she loved on him more than a few times and a small, stupid part of her wondered if she crossed his mind when he slipped it on this morning.

“Oh, yes!” She shook her head, laughing nervously. “Um, Az… this is Graysen, my uh…”

“Boyfriend.” Graysen finished the sentence for her, extending his hand towards Azriel. “And you are…”

“This is Azriel. My…. Azriel.” Elain stuttered as she watched the two men shake hands.

She allowed herself the tiniest shake of her head to ease the frustration she felt towards herself. She sounded like an absolute idiot.

“I think I’ve missed something,” Graysen looked between Elain and Azriel, eyebrows lifting slightly. “How do you know each other?

“We’re good friends.” Azriel answered at the same time Elain said “He’s Rhys’ best friend.”

Jesus. Fucking. Christ.

She couldn’t possibly have handled that any worse.

“So you’re Rhys’ friend or Elain’s friend?” Graysen asked, the slightest hint of a frown forming on his lips.

Any hope that Elain had of him dropping this topic evaporated in front of her eyes.

“We’re all friends. We met through Rhys when he started dating Feyre and we all spent basically all our time together.” She answered quickly, briefly meeting Azriel’s eyes.

Another mistake.

All she saw was hurt. No one else would’ve noticed because the emotion was there and gone in a flash but Elain saw past the mask. She saw the hurt she’d caused him. Hurt at being reduced to a friend of a friend, as if he wasn’t so much more to her. As if they hadn’t spent years of their lives seeing each other almost every day. Trading secrets. Letting each other see parts of themselves they’d never allowed anyone else to see.

“It’s nice to meet you,” Azriel smiled politely, redirecting his attention to Graysen. “I’m gonna go find the birthday boy but I’ll talk to you guys later, I’m sure.”

He didn’t look at her again before he walked away, Shadow obediently following right behind him. Even Nesta quickly excused herself so she didn’t have to be around to witness the uncomfortable tension that had settled heavily between Elain and Graysen..

She had absolutely no idea what had come over her. She thought she’d been somewhat prepared to see him again but nothing could’ve prepared her for the reality of him standing in front of her. Smiling at her. The feel of his arms around her - strong and sure and familiar. Nothing could have prepared her for seeing him walk away from her, disappointment lingering behind his eyes. She’d done that to him and she hated herself for it.

She silently cursed herself for ever thinking that bringing Graysen back here would be a good idea. Mere minutes had passed and she’d already fucked up. She had no idea how the hell she was supposed to make it through this day, let alone survive an entire weekend of this.

“What the hell was that?” Graysen muttered as Elain turned in his arms, once again plastering on a smile in a last ditch effort to rectify the mess she’d just made of that introduction.

“Nothing,” She shook her head, leaning in to kiss his cheek. “That was nothing.”

…

When Azriel walked into Rhys and Feyre’s house earlier and caught a glimpse of Elain for the first time in four months, she was wearing another one of those dresses that threatened to send him to his knees.

He loved each and every one of her dresses but the one she wore today was a pale blue with delicate straps that tied at her shoulders and draped elegantly over her frame in a way that just about teased at each dip and curve concealed by the lightweight, silky material. It was perfectly demure for a children’s birthday party but something about that dress on her was downright sinful.

Maybe if the circumstances were different, he’d be able to steal a glance every now and then and attempt to carry on with his life, but the circumstances were not different and Azriel was cursed to get through this afternoon looking at Elain in that dress with some other guy’s arm around her waist.

He hadn’t been able to get her out of his head. Even if he had no right to think of her in that way. Not when she’d made it abundantly clear not once but twice now, that she didn’t want him like that. Still, he couldn’t help that the memory of her kneeling on his bed and tracing a path across his hips with that pretty mouth of hers came rushing back to the forefront of his mind in the ten or so seconds that she’d been on her knees in front of him, patting his dog and looking up at him with those big, brown eyes.

Any satisfaction that he’d gotten from that memory or simply from seeing her and having her in his arms again, disappeared the second she stepped back and he’d been introduced to her boyfriend.

He knew there was something off with the way they interacted within the first few minutes of watching them together that afternoon. Azriel knew that the smiles she gave him weren’t genuine because they never quite reached her eyes. Elain evaded Graysen’s touch, swiveling out of his grasp each and every time he went to put his hand on her hip, ducking her head so the kiss he intended to give her landed on her forehead instead of her lips.

He wondered how no one else seemed to notice it when he could see it so clearly. He was in tune with her every emotion, knew her better than he knew the back of his own hand. He’d had time to hone that skill and right now, the piece of his brain that was dedicated solely to her was screaming that something wasn’t right.

Azriel hated the way she acted around him. Hated the way Graysen acted towards her. Actually, Azriel just outright despised Graysen.

He’d come into this day wanting the best. He genuinely wanted to see Elain happy even if the notion of her being with anyone else made his chest constrict in a way that couldn’t possibly be healthy. But he knew she wasn’t happy and one handshake was all it took for Azriel to know exactly what kind of guy Graysen was.

His grip had been firm but his hands bore no evidence of ever doing anything more difficult than swinging a heavy golf club. Graysen had a smile befitting of a politician’s son - charming but edged with insincerity, like he’d do or say whatever was necessary to get what he wanted. He carried himself with the ease of someone that had had things handed to him on a silver platter for his whole life and there was a certain arrogance to him that had Azriel wondering what Elain could possibly see in him. He knew her well enough to know that it wouldn’t have been the expensive clothing or the twenty thousand dollar watch on his wrist that had piqued her interest just like he knew that the glittering diamond tennis bracelet circling her wrist was for Graysen’s benefit and not hers.

He’d endeavored to try and find out if the guy had any redeeming qualities at all to help Azriel come to terms with them being together but he’d been stopped every time he’d tried to approach Graysen.

Azriel almost found it amusing the way Elain had been running what could be considered award winning interference between himself and her boyfriend all day, somehow managing to keep them well away from each other in and amongst entertaining her nephew and his flock of tiny friends. But now that all Nyx’s friends and their parents had gone home and the sun was beginning to set, there was very little Elain could do to keep them from speaking.

Graysen had started the conversation as they sat on the couch next to each other, just behind where Elain was sitting on the floor helping Nyx unwrap the copious amounts of presents he’d received today. Graysen asked Azriel about how he had met Rhys and Azriel explained that they’d met when they were kids and Rhys’ family had all but adopted him as one of their own. The topic had turned to Velaris and Azriel had sat through mind-numbing comments about how the river looked nicer in pictures, how things closed too early, and how there was no real potential for growth.

He’d just nodded and shrugged wherever he thought appropriate and he’d failed to get more than a sentence in but then Cassian had asked if Azriel was still planning on staying at their place after dinner with everyone the next night and when Azriel had answered that he would as long as he managed to finish the ring he’d been working on, Graysen had suddenly had a lot of questions.

“So you set up a little stall at what? … Weekend farmers markets? Sell jewelry to old ladies and teenage girls?” Graysen asked after Azriel patiently explained exactly why he was making jewelry. “And you make money from that?”

Azriel noticed the way Elain stiffened at the condescending tone of Graysen’s voice. The snide way he laughed as he reduced Azriel’s work to the equivalent of a children’s roadside lemonade stand. She set down the toy she’d been unboxing for Nyx and swiveled around to face them.

“He’s not making jewelry with dollar store plastic beads, Gray.” It was maybe the most fed up Azriel had ever heard her sound. He’d always known her to stay quiet and avoid confrontation. He didn’t even need one hand to count all the times he’d seen her snap and each of those times had been at Feyre or Nesta so he didn’t really count them. “It’s his business and he’s done really well.”

“It’s fine, Lain.” Azriel said softly, his heart swelling in his chest at the way she defended him even if he was unbothered by Graysen’s comments. It was nothing he hadn’t heard before from his own father or brothers. He continued to speak, confidently taking Graysen’s questions in stride in a way that Elain hadn’t quite been able to.“I actually work in data security but I make jewelry in my spare time and sell custom pieces online. Although, I did have some pretty successful mornings at farmer’s markets when I was just starting out and -”

“I thought you didn’t like being called that.” Graysen interrupted him, calculating eyes shifting from Azriel to Elain.

“What?” Elain asked, eyebrows furrowed in a way that Azriel would’ve found endearing in any other circumstance.

“He calls you ‘Lain.’” Graysen replied. “You told me you hated when I called you that.”

“I just prefer ‘El,’” She shrugged, picking at the sleeve of the cream cardigan she’d thrown on over her dress. “And he isn’t the only one. Nyx has called me that all day today, as well.”

Azriel stayed silent. He knew exactly where Nyx had picked that nickname up from but he wasn’t about to expose himself for cornering his friend’s kid into multiple conversations with the secret agenda of trying to siphon information about what Nyx’s Auntie was up to these days.

Graysen huffed, crossing his arms like an overgrown child as he sat back. He’d dropped his line of inquisition for now but Azriel had a feeling that wasn’t the last Elain would hear of this topic and the thought made him sick.

He’d been carefully watching all afternoon - noticing the way Graysen spoke about Elain and the possessive way he touched her as if she was something to have or to own. It had turned his stomach, memories of the way he’d seen his father treat his mother seeping into his mind despite his best efforts to keep them at bay.

Azriel paid extra attention to him now, picking up the way Graysen acted towards Elain as he continued to answer questions about his jewelry. He cringed at the scowl that found a home on Graysen’s lips each time her attention was pulled away from him and the way that scowl only deepened at each passing remark that hinted that maybe Azriel and Elain had, in fact, been closer than what she might’ve alluded to earlier.

He wasn’t sure exactly what she’d told Graysen about him. He had a feeling she hadn’t told him much at all. But he saw the wheels turning in Graysen’s head when Azriel’s craft came up again and Azriel explained exactly what type of jewelry he made and Graysen’s eyes had drifted to the chain that had faithfully stayed clasped around Elain’s neck year after year.

His suspicions were confirmed an hour or so later when Azriel rounded a corner, making his way towards the powder room at the foot of the stairs only to stop halfway there when he was distracted by a pair of low voices coming from Rhysand’s office across the hallway.

It was just a simple hushed whisper but his ears perked up at the voice he’d come to find grating over this very long, very tortuous day.

He could hear his mother’s voice in his head telling him that it wasn’t polite to eavesdrop, that nothing good every came from it, but he couldn’t help himself as he stood there - still as night, locking in on the hushed conversation and blocking out the raucous laughter coming from the kitchen.

“You know what I find most interesting about all of this?” Azriel heard Graysen ask. “In four months, I’ve heard about your sisters and their husbands but you haven’t even mentioned his name once.”

“He’s just a friend,” Elain answered quietly. “I swear.”

“Right,” Graysen scoffed. “And I suppose he’s the friend that gave you that necklace?”

Azriel swallowed, his eyes pinching closed at the animosity - the clear jealousy - that laced Graysen’s question. He could hear the malice in the way he spat out the word ‘friend’. He could only imagine the way he’d be glaring at the little gold oval that Azriel knew Elain would be clutching in between her thumb and index finger.

Graysen had asked her about the necklace, that thin gold chain Azriel had gifted her all those years ago that sat faithfully around her neck every day since. It was his only sign, as delusional as it might’ve made him, that she still thought of him. After everything that had happened the year prior, Elain still wore that small, handmade pendant and even if they didn’t speak, even if his messages had gone unanswered… Maybe her continuing to wear that necklace meant that she didn’t completely despise him.

Azriel kept moving, not allowing himself to so much as breathe until he was safely behind the closed door of the powder room. He had wanted to keep listening but he knew he shouldn’t. He didn’t think he could stand to hear her answers to Graysen’s questions. Didn’t want to know if she’d attempt to explain to Graysen whatever this thing was between them or if she’d continue to insist that he was nothing more than a friend.

But Azriel wanted an answer. He deserved an answer. He just didn’t want to get it by eavesdropping on a conversation he wasn’t a part of. He needed to hear it directly from her. He needed to talk to her.

#elriel fic #everywhere everything #my writing #elain x azriel #elain archeron #elriel #modern au #acotar fanfiction #elriel fanfiction #elriel fanfic #posting this and going tf to bed bc im NERVOUS #why is posting updates the scariest thing in the world

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