#I’ve gone crazy insecure about my writing

[ughdontbeboring]

bunny

Ari Levinson X Black/WoC Reader (can be read by anyone)

You’re the new bartender at Ari’s club and tonight you’ve had enough with how the other women treat you but don’t end up fired like you feared.

warnings: Ari lol. Sex. Bullying. Insecurities about weight. Fat shaming.

note: I still have love for Ari but this is the only thing I’ve finished for Ari and probably won’t be writing anything new for him either bc of other hyper fixations taking over my mind 😂 but I hope yall enjoy it and all its errors bc I’m too lazy to fix them. I’m trying to empty out the fics in my notes so the range of characters I’ve been stuck on over the years is crazy 😂 this has been in my notes a month shy of a year 🙃

also reader is always written with a black/woc perspective but no actual description in this one other then weight.

The cool air danced over your exposed skin, working for a night club meant the exposure was necessary. It attracted customers and that usually meant you got good tips. You didn’t mind, you enjoyed finally having a reason to wear pretty things all the time. 

You wasn’t even sure how you got into your current situation, you had been sitting across from your boss’s desk crying. You were so embarrassed when the tears started. Ever since you started the night club the other women working made your  life hell, at first you thought it was initiation but it prolonged week after week. Next week making 4 months you’d been on the clock here and every day you worked was a day you had to deal with their bullshit, they were by far worse than the male customers that tried getting handsy. At least the male customers got dealt with and thrown out. 

Apparently the club really never had much issue with the bartenders getting pushed up on, only the dancers, but when you started that changed. You thought your boss would fire you for the problems it caused at the bar but he just added security around the bar, adding a strict rule about the behavior at the bar and towards bartenders. Mostly you. 

You had ignored the gossip that it was especially for you, that the boss has some fondness for you. It wasn’t true, it couldn’t be. All the beautiful skinny women running around you knew he sure as hell wasn’t interested in you. Yea, you knew you were beautiful, you had eyes you could see your face but you were fuller, more plump than any other woman here. That alone lead you to believe you couldn’t be his type, no other women who looked like you worked here. Didn’t that mean something? 

You was surprised you even got the job, your potential boss did nothing but glare at you while the interview went on. He also told you dancing was off the table for you, but it had to be because you didn’t look like the other women. You were so hurt but did your best to not show it. You needed that extra money dancers got not believing you would do well fully clothed. Who did?

But you were wrong. The men drooled over you so much so the women complained about all the men being at the bar instead of their tables. Which meant you got great tips and more tips than usual since the men wanted to get their own drinks instead of the dancers bringing them to their tables. Men wanted to be around you. 

Through out the long nights you’d always catch your boss glaring down from his offices floor to ceiling windows. It was remote controlled, he could black out the windows when he wanted or have them clear so people could see him. It made your stomach flip at the thought he had wanted you to see him staring. 

Sometimes he’d have you personally bring his drinks up, which caused the men to groan with displeasure at your absence or he’d end the night by coming down personally for his drink when making inventory lists and everyone was gone and the cleaning crews took over. He’d always tip well. So well you didn’t have to work the rest of the week if you didn’t want to, but you did and saved your money like the plan called for. On nights you had the courage you’d asked him questions, simple questions as he sat across from you at the bar.  “How was his day” and such. He’d humor you with short polite answers, a smirk playing on his lips at your failure to hide your nervousness and arousal. You’d always have to clench your legs when you’d finally hear his voice usually for the first time that night and see that smirk. 

Ari Levinson, God he was a menace and the only person in the world you’d let call her some cutesy silly name like Bunny. 

You felt his presence tower over you and your mind finally caught back up to the present moment. You were in his office because one of the other women finally pushed you to the breaking point. You was embarrassed that something to stupid could finally get you to react. 

“What happened Bunny?” He husked while sharp blue stared down at you. 

He was so close, too close, you could hardly focus. You wiped away a stray tear before taking a deep breath. 

“It was nothing” you stuttered out, avoiding eye contact.

“It wasn’t nothing you broke her nose baby, now Bunny I won’t ask again” his voice was demanding but without malice.

You breath hitched as your eyes found his, storm blue ones raging. Though you totally misread it. What you miss took for anger because you let yourself believe the lies was Ari’s control hanging on by a thread. 

You contemplated lying to him.

“Don’t” 

Your eyes widen. Ari had to suppress the groan that fought it’s way up his throat at the sight before him. There you stood, eyes puffy from crying, lips red and swollen from nervously biting them, your teary eyes wide. Fuck that’s how Ari wanted to make you look but because of the pleasure he could no doubt provide. 

“She..she..uh.. she said you only hired me because you felt sorry for me and you would never touch someone as fat as me” you whispered, face hot with anger as you pushed some of curly hair behind your ear. 

As much as it pissed Ari off he couldn’t help the little happiness he felt at the fact that out of all the things he knew the women did to you, that made you react. Yes Ari knew about the way they treated you, this was his club he knew everything, hell he knew everything as he should about is his city. But Ari had wanted you to come to him, maybe it was selfish but he wanted you to need him. 

“And I’m sorry I shouldn’t have reacted that way! It’s just been a lot with them! But please I’m sorry I really need this job and it pays so well I can’t afford to lose it!” 

Ari stared at you while you word vomited in front of him. He was a little disappointed in himself for not thinking of it that way, that you wouldn’t cause a sense or make trouble by asking for help because of how much you needed the job. 

He shook his head at you as his hand grabbed your face softly, his thumb stroking your cheek.

“Shh Bunny, calm down, it’s ok” 

You were too shocked by the gentle caress to really hear his words. 

“That’s not true, not at all” he said.

“It’s not?” You asked not completely convinced, your doubtful eyes searching his.

“No it’s not Bunny” he answered before stepping forward and truly caging you between him and his large oak desk, his hips rolling forward so his heavy hard erection pushed into your silk covered soft belly.

“Don’t you see what you do to me Bunny?” His deep voice groaned wreaking havoc on your nervous system. You gasped at the feel of him.

Of course you suspected he was large but feeling him, it, so strong and heavy against you was something your imagination could never come up with. You could cum just from him rutting into your soft belly. 

Your hand flew to his shoulder to steady yourself and the other to get balance on the desk.

“Their just jealous baby because from the moment you walked your pretty little ass in this club I hardly given any of them a glance” he whispered as his lips ghosted up your jaw to nibble your ear. 

You clenched your thighs as you groaned in his ear. 

“And Emma, well she’s just mad because the last time I did fuck her” he stopped before pulling back to watch your face, you had went ridged under him, your face tight with anger. He continued before you could say something. 

“I called her your name while I came on her” His voice was deep and needy as he confessed to you, some how his thumb had made its way into your mouth pressing down on your tongue while he watched your face. He realized he seemed to love doing that, watching your reactions.

You were slightly angry with yourself for being so turned on. You should be mad he was talking about fucking another women, yet you weren’t. You wanted more than anything to feel what Emma felt but to know it was you that he wanted and it was you he was getting.

“If you want me to stop bunny and I will, just say the words” he told you seriously as he pulled his thumb from your mouth awaiting her answer.

As sure of himself as he was there was still that nervousness deep down in his stomach you would say no. Turn him away because of who he was and what he did. He knew you, had been watching you since you started and you were a good girl, everything he wasn’t. 

But you didn’t. With your eyes locked on his, you opened your mouth licking up the underside of his thumb before pulling it into your warm mouth to suck.

And fuck did Ari think his fucking knees would buckle. 

“Good girl” he replied trying to pull himself together. He was about to cum all over your stomach. 

It earned him a moan around his thumb.

“Now tell me what you want Bunny because if you want me then there is no one else, I do not share” he was serious, he had wanted you from the moment he saw you. Tried to keep you away because of his line of work but he was too selfish a man, he could only hold out for so long. 

You released him with a pop.

“I want you and I want everyone to know especially Emma because neither do I” you said finally showing a more confident side.

Before you knew it his mouth was covering your and he had you on the desk, your skirt lifted and thong covered ass chilled by the cool wood while your legs wrapped around his waist. 

Fuck you couldn’t believe he kissed this good, you didn’t even want to come up for air. 

At this point both your legs were up, ankles sitting on his shoulders, high heel clad feet dangling in the air. Your skirt tucked up around your waist so he could see everything. 

He needed to see everything. He fucking dreamed of this many of nights. 

His cock was free, long and hard. He ran the under side of it between your folds and up over your mound. Over and over again driving you wild as he collected your wetness. 

“Oh fuck Ari please” 

“Please what Bunny?” 

“Please please fuck me!” You whined.

Your body stilled at the intrusion, he was kissing you, running his hand up and down your body, pinching nipples trying to get you to relax just a bit more, he knew he should have worked you up more but he was past that, he had no control left, you were ready enough. 

“Fuck” he groaned out appreciatively once he pushed slightly into you, your gasp ringing out in his ears as your natural manicured fingernails cut into his back. A pain he welcomed. You were so tight, tighter than he could ever dream of and wet, so fucking weak. You were already leaking on his desk. 

A wet dream come true.

It was a few moments and thrust later you started to relax and Ari could really work into you.

“Oh fuck” you moaned out, both hands gripped the edge of the desk while his hands dug into you full round ass cheeks, your bottom hung in the air. Ari the only thing truly keeping you suspended. He loved this position because of how much control he had.

You couldn’t even get your brain to truly function, you’d never been fucked like this. He was fucking you like his own personal toy and he was so so deep. 

Because you weren’t functioning you had never noticed the call he made on his intercom, you didn’t notice the door open behind him, never noticed the blonde staring furiously at the sight before her.

Ari balls deep into the pretty little bartender she hated so much, who got special treatment from the most fear man in the city, the man Emma wanted more than anything. Hell any woman who crossed paths with the blue eyed giant wanted him. 

You didn’t notice until Ari leaned forward pressing into you completely causing you to scream out. Your fingers digging into his back once more, at this angle it was too much, you didn’t understand how he could feel deeper then he already was. 

There she was eyes locked on them, her face red with anger and embarrassment like you had been not to long ago at her hands while she held tissue to her bleeding nose.

Ari cursed, the tightness of you too much, your wetness dripping down his sack and thighs.

“Fuck bunny, tight wet little pussy is daddy’s favorite, you gonna let daddy come in you?” He groaned out feeling both of your ends near. 

Your eyes stayed locked on Emma as your fingers gripped his short hair.

“Oh fuck yes daddy! Please come in me! Fill me up” you moaned out. 

You was sure the whole club could hear over the music and you couldn’t care less.

Your body shook and your eyes roll back as that sweet feeling set her body on fire, Ari stilled after a few hard thrusts that cause his heavy desk to scrape backwards before he roared emptying himself into you.

You squealed as another orgasm slammed into you, the feel of his hot seed sending you catapulting into another one. Your eyes blurred as tears flowed from the pleasure.

When you opened your eyes Emma was gone. You both were breathing heavy when Ari used his hips to thrust you up on the desk a bit more. 

“Oh fuck” you yelled out feeling completely overwhelmed and overstimulated by his softening cock still buried deep inside you.

His hands grabbed your face, blue eyes locking yours in place. 

“Looks like I finally caught you bunny”. 

[haibunnyy]

This might be a hot take but…

I loved S7 of vld and I don’t get all the hate for S8. I see it a lot on here that people hate the later seasons or flat out refuse to watch S7-S8 and while everyone’s entitled to their opinions, honestly I don’t get it and hope now with VLD being taken off Netflix people give it a chance before it’s gone.

!Spoilers below!

Disclaimer S7 IS my favorite season. From the travel home where we see just how far the paladins have come with their relationships with each other from goofy moments like the game show episode to E6 the journey within, when they’re going crazy stranded in space and fighting with each other. “you ran away. Maybe you should’ve just stayed away” ugh the angst love it.

Then the second half of the season had so many solid moments where the cast finally got what they wanted, going home, seeing their families, proving the people who doubted them wrong (specifically Keith with this one tbh) but it’s nothing like how they expected. I thought the fight for earth arc was one of the most serious and emotional arcs of the show. Everyone willing to die for their home planet, the almost self-sacrifice moments, part where Lance closes his eyes ready to die and Keith’s calling out to him…sold.

Don’t get me wrong it’s far from perfect, I hear the criticism. We get the dreaded bury your gays drop this season with Adam (maybe that’s why they decided to kill off Allura, had to even it out /j )

Moving into S8, arguably not at good as S7 by a long shot but I still think it’s worth the watch. And I know I’m gonna lose people here but oh well it’s me and my delusions against the world.

Persssonaalllyyy I see a lot of the hate for this season comes from Allura and Lance getting together. And okay don’t shoot me here but I’ve noticed a lot of hate for Allura in general stems from this season and I am a Allura defender to the end. I’m gonna be honest in the rewatch I could see it, why people ship klance (they’re my OTP I get it), the rumors about if there was one more season it’d be canon, or how the staff even shipped them or how someone left the team or got fired and that’s why it’s not canon. I get it truuuussttt me I get it. But that’s just not what we got and in the context of what we did get, I honestly thought Lance’s and Allura’s relationship, as short lived as it was, was cute.

We see 7 seasons of Lance flirting with Allura, flirting with all these girls claiming to be a romantic and you now what? He is! He’s a good boyfriend! As much as he changed throughout the show he’s still “loverboy Lance” nervous to make the perfect date for the girl he likes, talking to his friends about it cause he’s feeling insecure taking out a literal princess, taking Allura to meet his family, and as much as I ship klance over allurance (and would have preferred for the two of them to go out instead) their date was CUTE okay sue me.

As for Allura, I get it, she did not like Lance AT ALL in the beginning seasons. So where did this come from? Poor choices in the writing room most likely BUT in the canon Allura has been strong willed the entire show, leading along side the BP, becoming a paladin herself, giving up her father to protect others, loosing the castle of lions and truly one of the last pieces of Altea, she looses so much and even when she finds out there’s Alteans alive, they hate her and believe she’s the bad guy. She’s been this selfless warrior princess who’s had to be selfless for 7 seasons, I think when presented the opportunity to be selfish and happy, she would take it. Shes tired, all her paladins got to go home to their families, got to return to their home planet. Shes lonely af, happy for them ofc but that shit gotta be depressing.

And again as much as I prefer Klance and Allura/ Romelle, for the canon I thought it made a lot of senses that she’d go out with Lance after he asks. I definitely see it as a “fuck it, why not” from her and she gained feelings throughout their relationship. Which irl I don’t recommend but in my eyes it humanized Allura. She made a lot of selfish choices this season from taking creature from the void to, agreeing to go out with Lance. But again I don’t even think it was out of character of her. I think it was bound to happen, after everything she’s been through, being selfless and perfect all the time she finally cracks. Plus it was nice seeing Allura have her “I’m just a girl” moment. Going shopping with Romelle and Pidge, having girl talks, trying to impress Lance’s family. It made her more relatable.

Another selling point for this season were the fight seasons Honestly I loved all the fight scenes in this season, the animation really popped off today. My fav was between Zethrid and the paladins. But does does loose a point here for Zethrid and Ezor being hinted as a wlw but never explicitly stated so boo to that.

We also have a lot of fun and rewarding moments with the paladins as well, like the clear day episode. We get to see Shiro actually have fun for once. Only took 8 seasons but hey. The moments between Pidge and her family were very wholesome and rewarding considering how much Pidge went through to get her family back together. Lance with his family was also cute. His little rant about why his sister shouldn’t go out with Keith was funny. The infamous sunset scene with Keith and Lance, would I have gone batshit insane if it was a love confession between the two? Oh absolutely but oh well. Hunk and Keith’s friendship was nice to see considering where they started with Hunk being the timid one and Keith being an emo loser. TLDR it was nice to see those finale happy times where we really see how far everyone has come before the ending.

As for the ending, maybe I’m just not creative enough to see a different route. But Honerva being the finale villain was one of my favorite choices for this ending. She’s been there literally the entire time just fucking shit up for the universe. Her motive to be in a reality where she can be with her husband and child? 👏 having villains just be evil for the fuck of it is great and all. But it reminded me a lot of the scarlet witch from marvel and she’s my all time favorite character in he MCU so maybe that’s why I liked Honerva so much. Fuck the universe if your family is on the line, am I right? It made her a great villain in my eyes and the polar opposite of allura who had to give up her family and her home for the sake of the universe.

Which is why Allura sacrificing herself to save the universe? Lowkey saw it coming since around season 5 and to me made total sense. She tried to be normal, to live on earth or on the atlas, but she’s a reliac of the past and she knows it. It goes back to the point I made of this girl is tired af. A chance to save to universe and be reunited with her parents even if it’s death, she’d do it. Season 8 she tried deviating from the role forced upon her as the selfless sacrificial lamb but she was doomed from the start. I deadass cried when she died and honestly I’m fine with her death as well. Everyone did what they were destined to do; if the paladins were destined to save the universe, she was destined to die for it.

Now to the post credits and post canon

Here’s where I say the hate is valid and deserved. Points lost fr with having Shiro marry an extra. I get it, they wanted the diversity points of saying YES Shiro is in fact gay but they were only allowed so much wiggle room/if they put it at the very end nothing can go wrong right? so they settled for that. Do I see the damage it does towards queer representation in media? Now I do but at the time when my little gay self watched that I was shocked they’d even show that much and took the breadcrumb piece of rep and ran with it. I told myself, “meh shiro deserves to live the quiet married life after all the shit he’s been there.” But it def should have been Adam.

As for everyone else, the journey’s over. The lions are gone, I thought it made sense that everyone went their separate ways but still maintained a friendship. That’s growing up, that’s adulthood. When I watched that at 17 I was annoyed that they didn’t stay together as a friend group but now at 23, I totally get it. They are still friends, they just got their own things going on so they only reunite when they can. If that’s not adult friendships idk what is.

Keith traveling with the blade helping others, great! Hunk and Shay being cooks and doing diplomacy shit, awesome! Pidge living her best life with her parents building up earth, love it! Did I like that the one Latino character ended up being a stereotype and living on a farm? No I did not.

I interrupted as Lance staying on earth and grieving Allura’s death. Which I can see happening but Lance deserved his own happy ending. I see Lance becoming an MFE pilot or joining the Atlas crew with his sister, something where he continues to pilot cause it’s all he’s ever wanted to do but still carrying that grief with him.

To finish this yap session off, my final thoughts are I think a lot of S8 hate comes from Allurance and the post credits. I think the hate for Allurance and Allura is unfair and some of it stems (from what I’ve noticed) from this misogynist/fetishizing tendacy to shit on the female characters who come between mlm ships in fandoms. So again, I am an Allura defender through and through.

As mentioned earlier, hate for the post credits, makes total sense. But I’d like to bring up a point I see rarely discussed in this discourse. I am not excusing the queer bating that happened or the blatant racial stereotype we got for Lance’s ending but I truly believe Voltron is a product of the times and essential for the evolution of queer rep in western animation. I could do an entirely separate post on this but I’ll sum it up as best as I can here. Queer representation in main stream western media was still new and touchy. And mlm representation was even fewer. I think the backlash is valid and was necessary for dreamworks/Netflix and any other companies to learn their lesson that gay people in cartoons is OKAY and should be normalized. that’s why following I think Vld was one of the many factors in a shift for openly queer couples in animation that we see in shows like She-ra.

So it sucked that we never got klance yeah but I never once thought Klance was gonna be canon. I wished for it but I figured the best we could hope for is some hints like how they ended Legend of Korra.

So besides from the effects it had on western media, as a fan I’ll still take the ending and even recommend it to people as is because of the art that came after. The fanart, the edits, the post-canon and fix-it fics I love reading time and time again. None of that would exist without that controversial ending. I don’t think I’d still be such a diehard fan to this day if it had ended any differently. My appreciation for this show and obsession stems from how invested I was in the controversies, rumors and hype every season. Like the whole pride month post on twitter, dear god what a mess but hopefully a word of warning now for creators thinking of queer baiting fans again.

It’s not perfect, there were a lot of fucks up along the way and at times, downright problematic but I will still always recommend people watch VLD all the way through. But hey maybe that’s just my way of wishing I had more people to talk about the ending with ¯\_ツ_/¯

[wannabevampire]

hello my vampires!

it’s allie! i don’t know how many of you remember me (goodness knows i don’t blame you considering i’ve been gone for TWO YEARS!!). but in case you forgot i use to write fanfics on here! mainly marvel, i was probably most known for writing fics about druig and matt murdock!

my life has changed A LOT since then. i moved across the country, started studying at my dream school in my dream program (#allieinstem), lived in THREE different apartments and dealt with oh so much roommate drama, became a bit of a party girl for a moment, worked a lot of different jobs, and fell in love :)

as we all know the world has FINALLY woken up and realized how hot Barry Keoghan is!! and a few weeks ago i caught myself thinking “huh i wonder what happened to that old tumblr account i ran that had over a thousand followers where i was a complete whore on the internet and wrote fan fics constantly??”.

i “abandoned” this account over two years ago, but I still think about it every now and then. i left suddenly and without notice for a multitude of reasons, but without getting too specific i was going through some insanely drastic life changes and my mental health wasn't the best.

I have retyped this post so many times because I'm not sure what to say! But I've been thinking about this account and how much it meant to me. As well as remembering my wonderful mutuals who were always so sweet, funny, and supportive <3

life has been really tough recently, not bad just…hard. and i remember how cathartic this community was for me. i’ve mentioned this before, but english is my second language and my writing has always been a huge insecurity of mine. and yet I felt so welcomed here and it gave me so many opportunities to write for fun!

to see that my fics, blurbs, and slutty fantasies are still being reblogged is so crazy and it makes me very happy! i'm not sure if i'll start writing again but i guess we’ll see :)

(regardless i might reblog a bunch of my old druig/barry content because of the current barry renaissance lol)

side note: went through my drafts and found an old matt murdock fic that i never posted???? it’s like 3.5k words lol and it's almost finished. so weird seeing my old work but like…should i post??

if you remember me at all or are interested in my old work please reach out to me! mutual, nonnie, follower, literally anyone!! i’d love to see how this little corner of the internet is doing <3

as always…

xoxo,

allie 🕊️

p.s. I have such a strong urge to reach out to my old mutuals who are still active because you guys are all such talented writers but I don't know if that would be weird since it's been so long! ahh!!! should I?? please say hi!!!

p.p.s should i post that matt murdock fic??

[hyukascampfire]

I love your current winter theme. It's so pretty! I also love how well put together your navigation posts look. I'm in awe.

I apologize for how long it took me to send my thoughts about TSFAWC. I was occupied with some work, but I started reading it religiously yesterday.

Also about the ask I sent about their ages, you are so right. the winter is going to go crazy. I can't wait to think about this fic all winter. Reading this in winter is a must, and I'm so happy to be reading it right now. It's the perfect timing.

After reading your reply, I HAVE MY EYES set ON BEOMGYU. HE SOUNDS LIKE A DORK. I NEED TO SEE HIS ASS RN (currently reading chapter 3).

OC being 19 makes so much sense, actually, I love your interpretation, by the way, I completely get it.

Here are my thoughts now.

The beginning of the first chapter, omg 😭, mc is better than me because I would've kicked that damn goblin in the balls after seeing the way he behaved regarding that staircase LIKE THE AUDACITY OF THIS MAN (but again I don't think she had any other choice in her universe unlike I do).

It’s more difficult than you had anticipated to keep your mouth shut about what had happened, but Taehyun stays quiet, so you do too. You make yourself useful, packing up with him, hoping to ease the palpable tension.

Now... Mc might just be stronger than me because I'd make my embarrassment too visible, like running away the night that happened.

Insecurities whisper in your ears that the kiss was just… disappointing to him. It was your first kiss, anyway.

Now I'm lowkey curious if Taehyun is a manwhore or not.

“I already sent them back.”You watch him storm out. That means that the dress in your hands is not from Yeonjun; it is from Taehyun.

Wait, what happened here? 😢 Did he take one out of the many dresses YJ sent and keep it to scold her, or did he get a pretty dress by himself and send the royal errand runner back to YJ without taking any of the dresses? I'm confused is he being sweet or a cvnt right now?

-🕸

thank you so much, love!! i’ve been waiting to hear back from you >_< i’ve been loving the winter vibe recently, if u couldn’t tell, lmao. tsfawc is absolutely a perfect winter read. if it snows around you, you can pretend you’re there when you look outside. heheh.

I CANT WAIT FOR YOU TO MEET HIM 😭 i can’t say anything at all because i don’t want to spoil, but omfg i love him. it’s a little treat to write him amid all the tense and emotional stuff.

omfg i know. him grabbing her arm? wouldve crashed out. who do you think u are mr goblin 🤨 but yeah she’s lived there her whole life so she’s got tolerance for that kinda stuff LMAO

no seriously, if it was that tense and quiet after kissing him and he REFUSED to talk abt it….? sorry id be heading home. or just kill me. shes so strong for that. especially him pulling away from the kiss like that and then just… stifling tenseness. ID RATHER DIE. but there’s also so much going on behind the scenes there.

MANWHORE 😭😭😭😭 picturing TSFAWC taehyun as a manwhore omfg i think a tear just ran down my cheek. YOU JUST GOTTA SEE. i love seeing reactions to things in live action, like i love this SO much.

sorry if it was a little muddled what happened >.<!! the latter is right. he sent all the dresses back to yeonjun, because he’d already gone and gotten MC. a dress after her frustration with how she was dressed the night before. so he gave her his dress, and all of yeonjun’s went back. i love this scene so much, it’s one of my favorites.

thank you so much for taking the time out of your day to read it, especially when it sounds like you’ve been super super busy! and even taking the time to write out reactions for me. i could hug you right now. i love my readers to the moon,, i enjoyed this so thoroughly. LET ME KNOW WHEN YOU GET TO THE NEXT PARTSSS

[notsocheezy]

Brain Curd #306

Brain Curds are lightly edited daily writing - usually flash fiction and sometimes terrible on purpose.

Experiment in progress. Refer to case logs.

A soft, steady beeping. The sound of a machine breathing. Someone is petting my head.

“Oh, Tracey… why won’t you wake up?”

~

I woke up groggy sometime around ten in the morning. It’s one thing to wake up at nine, that’s just sleeping in, but waking up at ten? In the double digits? Even on a Saturday, not much makes me feel like more of a failure than that. Though chickening out asking Serenity to Homecoming was a close second.

The sheets stuck to me as I unsteadily got myself onto my feet.

“Celeste?” I whispered. She wasn’t there. For once, she wasn’t there. Maybe she was gone forever, if I was lucky. All she did was ask questions I didn’t want to answer and tell me to do things I didn’t want to do.

I looked at my chest. I’d missed a spot in the shower last night. A lot of spots. It almost looked like I missed all of it. Maybe I did. It was hard to remember. Hell, it was hard to remember a lot of the past couple days. I went to class… I think. But the more I thought about it, the less sure I was. What classes was I even taking this year? US History, Precalculus, PE… that’s not enough classes. Where was I all day?

Yep, I was losing it alright. I put on my glasses and looked at my phone. Five messages from Dad: “Why didn’t u call me when u got home?” “Where r u? Thought going shooting today” “Pick up ur PHONE” “FUCK you high and mighty. I wiped your ass and you ignore me” “call pls when u wake up i love you”

I quickly texted him back. “Feeling sick. Go without me. Have fun.”

Part of me wanted to just go back to sleep. A bigger part wanted to go to sleep forever. Then he’d be alone. Maybe he’d regret the way he treated me after that.

No, no, I couldn’t. I couldn’t do that to him, he needed me. He was just insecure, that’s all. After Mom left him… Ugh. One thing at a time: go to the bathroom.

Pops and Grandma were still upstairs, as far as I could tell. I guess they figured I needed some quiet. What must they have thought of me, coming home covered in blood? Lesser. They must have thought lesser. I was supposed to be the straight-A student, the smart one, the one who never let anything get to him. I was easy-going, agreeable, never a picky eater, and I took care of the people around me best I could.

Now, what would they think? That I was some delinquent? I got in a fight? That was the only thing I wasn’t. Crazy, though? Yeah, I was pretty sure I was crazy. Non-crazy people don’t have women in their head, talking to them.

I grabbed tweezers from the medicine cabinet before heading back to my room. I was going to deal with at least one of my problems.

With one hand, I scrolled through a forum. With the other, I plucked. That was when Celeste decided to pop back into being.

“Woah, Trevor, what’cha looking at there?”

I scrambled to close the app. “Nothing. Just memes.”

“Sure… look, I’m not gonna judge you, kiddo. You can tell me anything.”

I threw my phone on the bed and crossed my arms. “Great way of showing I can trust you, barging into my head unannounced.”

“Sorry, nature of the tech. By the way, what time is it?”

I rolled my eyes and awkwardly reached over to pick my phone back up. “Eleven-thirty.”

“Okay, okay,” she scribbled something. “Yeah, this lines up. Fantastic! I should be able to safely give you time to yourself.”

“Now would be a good time to do that, then.”

“Woah, woah, slow down, Speed Racer! I just got here!”

I frowned. “Never say that again.”

“I’ve got a favor to ask of you.”

I crossed my arms. “Great. Of course you do. Why would you be here if you didn’t want something?”

“Before I tell you what I want, how about I offer you some advice in exchange?”

“About talking to girls?”

“No. If you’re going to pluck your chest hair, you need to do it correctly. The way you’re going about it is gonna lead to ingrown hairs and scarring. Pull with the grain, not against it. Got it?”

I blushed. “Thanks…?”

“Anyway, kind of a big ask, but I need you to do two things. One: sketch something in your planner. Doesn’t have to be anything big, of course, or complicated - it just needs to be identifiable. Put it in the Saturday section that you never use.”

I sighed and pulled my planner out of my backpack, doodled a stick figure, and put it back. “There, done.”

“Great. Now I need you to stay awake for the next twenty-four hours.”

“What?!?”

Please comment, reblog, like, and follow if you enjoyed - I'd love to know what you think! See you again tomorrow.

[astridthevalkyrie]

chand ko chakor dekhe, tujkho naseebo wala (the bird looks at the moon, a lucky one looks at you) | hawks x reader | chapter 2

“You’ve died twice? From clocks?” “I know you’re not blind to the rocks and debris flying literally everywhere! The world would be better off without you in it!” you scream at the villain. The machine is even louder as it breaks and jams into the ground. “Flying building pieces or something, I don’t know—one hit me yesterday. The first day I got knocked into a wall, and then I woke up hugging my body pillow. Same thing the next day. And the next, and the next. Did my number three pro hero partner save me? No, he let me get stuck in a fucking time loop!” Or, you’ll do a lot of things with infinite time on your hands, but falling in love with Keigo Takami isn’t one of them.

a/n: you know it's a good writing kick when i'm updating despite no one liking this but me LOL

warnings: afab reader with she/her pronouns. FOUL language, reader curses so much, and just general rudeness, lots of death because reader is morbid, reader slutshames hawks

1

“So how many times have you told me?”

“Jesus, you must be allergic to asking original questions.”

Hawks levels you with an unimpressed look. “I’d say something about how I obviously wouldn’t remember my past self’s questions—”

“‘But you’ll probably make fun of me by repeating verbatim what I’m saying.’” You smirk at the pained look on his face that accompanies your air quotes. “Yeah. Now you’re going to try and think of an original, out of the box question to ask, which, if you can believe it or not, varies on how I move or what I say. I look right, you ask me what past you has said so far, but if I look left, you ask me about how I’ve been keeping myself entertained.”

After a long pause in which you think about how much you hate this fucking coffee, Hawks says, “You’re going to be a pain to talk to.”

“I’m a goddamn delight. You’re the one I’ve had to convince of this six whole times.”

“But you keep tellin’ me, sweetheart.” Ew. Ew. “Why is that?”

“I told you, you’re a constant everyday. Besides me dying.”

“You die—”

“Yes,” you sigh impatiently, “I never get through the day without dying. The longest I’ve gone is till 4 PM.” Gesture to the clock that you know is five minutes ahead. “So, one hour left to go! Yay me.”

Now you both only stare at each other, which is new, since Hawks can usually never shut the fuck up. There’s a question you want to ask, have wanted to ask for the past few days you’ve told him (with some breaks in between because come on, you’re not a walking Wikipedia page for fucking time loops and Hawks has no idea how to not be a pain) but you’re not going to because. Uh. Insecurity or some shit. 

Taking a long swig of his yucky strawberry bright pink dark-as-his-soul drink, freaky golden eyes observe you. You only darken your own gaze. What is this? A death match? Well, you’ve died several times and he’s still stuck at zero so. You know. He can suck your dick.

“Why don’t you ask me some questions?” he finally offers, and when you narrow your eyes, he grins cheerfully. “C’mon, songbird, you know you want to.”

“What’s the ratio of men you’ve been with versus women?”

“Four to nine. Challenge me next time.”

What a smug little shit. “Slut. How crazy do you think I am right now?”

“Not any more than normal.”

“How do you not sweat in that oversized jacket?”

“Bird stuff. And style takes priority over comfort.”

“Wild.” This is boring. Fucking boring, you’re bored, and you could die at any time. How boring does something have to be for you to not be nervous about death? Goddamn. 

You’re nearly beaming when a gunshot hits the ceiling, only for your happy mood to be replaced by a horrified one when a literal mini feather takes the robber out of the store and knocks him against a lamppost. What the fuck. What the fuck, dude.

The waitress who makes the least shitty coffee in the whole cafe has tears in her eyes. “Oh, thank you, Hawks! Thank you! I was so scared!”

“When?”

A fat tear catches on her lip as she quivers. “W-what?”

“When were you scared? He dealt with that in a second! The asshole didn’t even give you time to be scared!”

“I’m fast,” Hawks winks at her, stepping too close for your comfort. Slut. WHORE. “Oh my god,” he snaps his fingers in realization, “you knew that was going to happen. You’re a bad person.” For some reason, that thought is abso-fucking-lutely hilarious to him. “You were so about to let this store be robbed.”

“Um, no. For your FYI—”

“Redundant—”

“The same things don’t happen everyday. I mean that stupid fucking shit for brains asshole clock bitch always shows up, but the cafe has never been robbed before. That’s just the universe trying to kill me. Look.” You stomp out, waving away the waitress who seems too hesitant to tell you that you have to pay they can put you in jail give you a life sentence it won’t matter now innit and kneel down by the robber.

“Aha! One more bullet. This was my death instrument. But you interrupted.” 

SCARY shimmery golden eyes get closer closerthanhewastothewaitress until you’re knelt up against the same lamppost that gave Mr. Robber a concussion. “So I saved your life. Do I get a thank you kiss?”

“You get a choke on my balls, man. Also, you’re being, like. Really casual about this. Consistently. You’re telling me to try stuff and I’m trying the stuff, like I watched the Bill Murray movie and I gave myself a really good orgasm, and none of it worked, but if I didn’t know better I’d say you were living this with me.”

“Nah.” The corners of his lips quirk up genuinely. “I’m just trying to match whatever you’re giving me. You’re not panicking, so I’m not gonna be the one who tries to push you over the edge.”

“But I am panicking. Like, it’s whatever because I can’t stop it, but Hawks, I’m still...” You blink, looking at him, for the first time, with a defeated look. “Stuck.”

The pro catches your chin before it falls, forcing it up to meet his gaze. Ugly, lemon-colored eyes. Lips that at least four men and nine women have kissed. You wonder if Hawks is into degradation. He looks like he has a praise kink.

His hand encircles your wrist, he leans in, and then he blows a cherry on your cheek.

“Gross, dude, you’re gross!”

“Tell me everyday.” he replies cheerfully, “not that I’m gross.” You’re going to tell him exactly that everyday. Even when you’re not in a time loop. If you’re ever not in a time loop. “But about what’s happening. I’ll help get you unstuck no matter what.”

Why. You’re not gonna ask that. You’re just gonna accept the help that he owes you for not saving you the first day. And fuck that little butterfly-flutterfly shitstain feeling that’s usually reserved for your pussy that’s creeping up higher and twisting into knots in your stomach.

(The only time you’ve ever felt it with Hawks in the past was that one time he was fucking stuffing his gob with cheap street vendor fried chicken and when he swallowed he. Groaned. Out loud. All disgusting and unghhhh and shit.  And your womanly wiles liked it. The fuck.)

“Fine.” Your palm touches his cheek right as the robber comes to, taking the gun that you cleverly left at his side and blowing a hole in your head. 

—————————————————

You will not be telling Hawks you died while caressing his prickly bird face.

—————————————————

In three days actuallynodaysatallhowSPOOKY, it’s 4 PM, and you and Hawks are at the top of the highest building in the city. 

“You never did ask.” Hawks looks and sounds like a villain, surrounded by so many feathers pointed outward. You feel like a civ too, in the middle of it all, standing helplessly. But you’re not scared of him. If you weren’t sure you could take him? Then maybe. Are you sure? Maybe. Whatever. You can work on that confidence todaymorrow.

“Ask what?” The way your hands are up as though you’re ready to fight invisible demons would you make you fucking cackle if it was anyone else.

“Why my questions are different depending on the way you turn.”

You release a heavy laugh, eyes darting around like a madwoman. What will it be? A comet? A criminal? The building itself crumbling? You’d think a person would know what to expect after…nineteen? twenty? however-many-the-fuck-days. “You shit. That’s why you’ve been telling me to ask you stuff each day. Clever little birdbrain.”

A fly barely gets into the fray before a crimson feather wraps around it and tosses it to the side. Hawks does many things, but taking chances when it comes to doing his job isn’t one of them, apparently. Not that this is his job. Or at least you didn’t ask for it to be if he’s making it his personal mission to ensure you live that’s on him and only him.

“So why?”

“Oh, I’m not gonna tell you.”

“What!? Why not?”

“Because now there’s at least one piece of info that you won’t know and can’t parrot to poor tomorrow me.” He grins, showing you his stupid pearly whites. “Sucks to suck.”

“Fuck you.” You flip him off. “I’ll just manipulate it out of you tomorrow.”

Hawks’ voice comes out in a song—only this bitch would somehow find a way to one-up you when you’re literally immortal. “No, you woooon’t, songbird. Oh, hey!” He holds up his phone. “4:01!”

“4:01?” Your eyes bulge.

“Four o fucking one!”

“4:01!” you shriek happily, throwing yourself into his arms. Hawks squeezes you tight, burying his face in your hair like you two are the parents of some graduating high school student who was also the class president as THOUGH your combined genes would ever create such a genius. 

Hawks is warm.

A plane fucking crashes into you. He’s miraculously spared.

Bitch.

[fyreflys]

/ nsfw

Guys I just. Had an INTENSE thought. About A/B/O everlark-

NO STOP DONT LEAVE PLEASE COME BACK HEAR ME OUT PLEASE

LISTEN. I’m talking. Alpha top Katniss and Omega bottom Peeta ARE YOU HEARING ME OR AM I INSANE would that not be the best fucking fic or am I just crazy

Like. Katniss has really irregular cycles and so she rarely has ruts. Meanwhile Peeta is Consistent as Hell & has one every two months to the DAY. And they’re worse when Katniss hasn’t had a rut in a while.

Fic takes place when Katniss has gone almost 6 months without a rut, which is the longest dry spell she’s had since the Revolution. And so when Peeta’s heat comes, it hits him HARD. And Katniss struggles to take care of him. He’s needy and desperate and out of his goddamn mind and she does every thing she can think of to try and help him & she’s insecure about the fact that she doesn’t seem to be enough to satiate him & between all his horny-out-of-his-mind spells Peeta unknowingly does tiny little things that lets Katniss know just how loved & appreciated she is & it’s just soft & fluffy & incredibly hot bc OMG alpha female representation LFG

(I’ve secretly just been waiting for an excuse to write miserable whimpy peeta & femdom Katniss fucking his lights out while somehow still keeping them in character & a/b/o might actually be my solution UM I MIGHT ACTUALLY WRITE THIS WOULD YOU GUYS BE MAD)

[happinessismusic]

You’ve expressed that you’ve had this song for two years. Does that mean you have been in the studio more recently recording new music for the album that’s to come?

Gwen Stefani: Yeah, I have like a whole bunch of songs that I wrote in 2020 all the way up to now. I’ve been writing and going to the studio again. It’s one of those things, I feel like anyone that’s a songwriter can relate to this who is able to write a song about something that feels honest and real and purposeful. And by the way, you can go in and write a song and on paper, the song is everything you think it is and you get excited and then you decide, “I don’t really wanna listen to that” and you don’t know why. When you write a song like “Hollaback Girl,” you know that minute that you’ve just touched something that’s never been touched before and you’re jumping on the couch and you’re having your Tom Cruise moment. Like, “Whoa, this is crazy.”

But other times when you write songs, it’s not special. It’s really been challenging to know sonically what the direction is. When I wrote my last album, which is forever ago, This Is What The Truth Feels Like, which is actually one of my favorite albums, I kind of feel like when I got my team, I felt as if they were my cheerleaders. Any idea I had, they were so supportive and so I could be completely free with myself in the studio. This time around, I feel I’ve gone in with so many different people and I always get, like you said at the beginning, “What are you waiting for?” I always get really insecure and worried about writing a song, and then I’m happy to do it in a four-hour window when the kids are at school. It’s just different. I look back at my life and I go, “Wow, I was so selfish.” I got to be such a true artist in the sense that I got to stay up all night and show up at the studio at one in the morning and then sleep all day. Those things are kind of necessary to write music. That’s probably why it took me so long and why it always takes me a long time. No Doubt doesn’t even have that much music if you really look at how long we’ve been around. There’s not a lot of music compared to a lot of people, sadly. Over the last couple of months, I went in with some people that I adore and had really good chemistry with. I’m just dying to go back in and write with them because every single song you write changes what the record could be. Another one falls off that you’re like, “Oh, I thought that was good, but eh I like this one.” Currently, I’m in that zone.

I have four new ones that I literally can’t stop listening to. And so when that happens, I’m assuming that other people might feel the same way. That’s exciting. But there’s no time. Now I’m going on tour. I know it’s four shows, but it doesn’t matter because just the lead-up to just do it takes as much as it does to go on a 60-date tour. I also really learned in my life to build time to enjoy downtime by watching movies, cooking, hanging out with my husband, gardening, and other things too.

---------

Gwen talks about her songwriting process. I love how she mentioned enjoying downtime by hanging out with Blake and gardening.

More here:

[muggycuphead]

weird flex but ok i guess pt.34

33

War…Hold up, do we really need a warning for this one? Dunno, but however, watch out for slightly disturbing and kinda…disgusting imagery, trypophobic patterns, as well as ‘necrotic’ (and dark themed) designs I made while having funky fever bc o h m y g o d do I get a little crazier every new quarantine day (and at this point it’s coming to be an usual thing for me, big sad). However, most are made no other than for the sole sake of satire, so y’know, no need to get your underwear in a twist

Friday Night Funkin’ BoyFriend’s Hood – AU fanconcept sketches [XXIX]

Ladies and gentlemen, the time we been all waiting for

Pico taking part on the plot wooo

…although again, it’s a rewritten event that separates from both FNF and PS:LCA storylines so prepare for the dumpster fire I’m about to unleash (man am I real insecure when it comes to writing characters I don’t know that deeply, let alone newgrounds characters altogether, vomits)

1. Out to catch the train on my own

Week 3 references? Week 3 references indeed

There isn’t much dialogue here, just BF going to get the metrotro after going out of school (bro came out late bc night turn wowza)

Though the events might be happening a few days after Pico day (can’t specify the year, rip), hence why Pico would be there in the first place

2. Watch for spikes!

(On his way to the train stop, BF notices someone close to his trail) (Startled) “Oh shit!” (BF quickly jumps with his skateboard and leaps above the someone waiting on the stop, landing on the other side, panting a bit)

Can someone please make a joke about skating games I’m out of lines here, help

3. Taking Ls…?

“Boooo… that sucked ass”

(BF looks baffled and annoyed, as he just stands up, holding close his skate with his foot) “I was trying to avoid hitting your ass, bozo”

Jerky Pico for no reason hehehehe…jk

4. Messing around

(The ginger fella walks close to BF, slightly elbowing him as he chuckles) “Ay, I’m just messing with ya, bro! Won’t lie, that was good quick thinking back there. Not that it would have done anything to me, I’ve been gone through worse blows myself, a skateboard hit is of the last things I’d worry about”

(BF smirks) “You’re of the looney ones, aren’tcha?”

(The fella retorts) “More like of the mad ones a bit, but yeah, that could sorta work too” (Looks at him with a raised brow) “Lemme guess, you aren’t from around here, are ya?”

(BF wonders in confusion) “Uh, not really, why’d ya ask?”

(The fella chuckles) “Ah, nothing, just…occasionally people from here that come across my way either go crazy and wow…or simply try to kill me on the spot; last one kinda sucks but -hey!” (Shrugs mid discourse) “It comes with the job after dealing with school shenanigans that go further from mere bullying feuds”

(BF connects the dots with the keywords) “Hold on, wait –No way! You…you’re that Pico guy from the school shooting news from years ago?”

(Pico winks at BF) “Right on the moolah, pal”

(BF is even more baffled) “Nooo, you kidding! You kidding!”

(Pico laughs) “Nah, I’m for real here! Did ya think I was someone else or what?” (Pico makes a gesture with his face) “Don’t worry, this ain’t no Convict behind this body!” (Pico goes for sarcasm) “And even so, it wouldn’t be as good-looking as me, don’tcha think?” (Pico winks again)

(BF laughs at Pico’s mess-a-round, yet is still kind of shocked) “It ain’t that! It’s just…why’d ya come here anyway? Though you’d have your own car and stuff despite…well, y’know”

(Pico shakes his head) “Nah, don’t trust driving at night that much, plus it’s kind of hard to focus on the way cuz, y’know…” (makes a gesture on his head, signing his stature while frowning) “Being this high”

(BF gives him a ‘true bro’ look) “Guess that makes it two of us, eh?”

(Pico offers his fist to BF) “Yep, welcome to the dwarves’ club bro”

(BF brofists Pico) “I was already a member myself, nice to meet another one of the crew”

(Pico chuckles to BF’s response) “Heh, I like your vibe, dude! Say, wanna chat a bit while we wait for the train here?”

(BF nods) “Sure, why not? It ain’t like we’re gonna get startled by any weird clones from outta nowhere, hehe…” (Nervous) “…hopefully”

(Pico pffts) “Even if they do, I’ll just hand them their asses back to where they came from”

Big bruh moment, send help I feel like I don’t understand pico writing and I hate miself fo it, I apologize to the fellow pico fans lord help me-

5. Meeting Newground’s star gunman

“So, what’s your name, bro?”

(BF makes a ‘tip’ with his hat) “BoyFriend, BF or B for shortie, pleasure to meet’cha”

(Pico chuckles) “Boyfriend, huh? Now that’s a peculiar name to give to someone”

“Yeah, although it was more of a ‘funny accident’ when it comes to know why”

“An accident? So you weren’t meant to be named BoyFriend in the first place?”

“Nope. Long story short, the people in charge of my birth certificate or whatever had the name comprehension of a Starbucks employee with a really bad hearing skill, and they ‘telephone-game’-ed the name my parents wanted to give me into well, BoyFriend... And well, here we are!”

“And you don’t have anything against that? Since, well…y’know”

“Nah, honestly it’s not a big deal to me at this point. Heck, even my parents thought it’d be awkward for me back when I was a wee boy, and I didn’t really care that much about it even when I knew what it actually meant. If I did, I’d have changed it a long time ago.” (BF gets smug) “Besides, it’s quite a nice ‘icebreaker’ when you hang out with the ladies” (BF winks at Pico)

(Pico laughs) “Hah, I bet it is!” (Pico gently punches BF on the arm) “Still, gotta admire your resilience on that! Wouldn’t wanna know how it was back at your street when you were around the others, little fellas can be nasty for sure, I’d know”

“Eh, it didn’t really come to it that often, and even if it did, I got my own guns to deal with it” (BF vacillates) “…Figuratively speaking of course, unlike ya, hehe”

(Pico smirks) “Hey, don’t sweat it; guns might do most of the job when stuff takes a turn for the worst, but diplomacy’s way of a better option honestly in more than one sense…unless you go to Nevada. That’s a whole different story”

(BF nods in understanding) “Yeah, can guess why considering the stuff I’ve heard from there”

Bangitty

[sensibledecay]

dear mom, 

i haven’t written you a letter in a really long time, but i feel like there’s just so much to say. this year has been a significant one for me, and that is in large part thanks to you and the changing nature of our relationship. for the first time since i was a kid, i want to call you the minute something good happens. i want to ask you for advice when something scary or difficult comes up. things aren’t perfect, and i still need to learn how to ask for help and how to let go of insecurity, but i finally feel like we’re talking. i think a lot of this shift has been thanks to my aging, which has been scary, i can’t lie. i’m twenty-one, and that feels daunting and intimidating. i am no longer a teenager, though i joke that “i’m just a teenage girl in her twenties!” aging has come with a reckoning for me, especially as a woman. i feel like my youth, and in turn, my coolness and value, are slipping through my fingers. this has come with a renewed sense of fear and a surprising uptick in empathy. i look at you differently now than i once did, especially as i approach the ages when you experienced particular milestones. i’m the same age you were during the war, and that feels horrifying. i can barely handle the daily pressures of feeding myself and cleaning, let alone the seismic pressure of surviving when an entire country of people want you dead. 

i’ve been thinking especially about our relationship as it relates to age. i know things weren’t perfect, but i can finally absorb how young twenty-six really is. you were twenty-six when you got married, which doesn’t sound absurdly young, but to immediately have a child sounds like a terrifying nightmare. i can’t imaging moving across the world and taking the leap to get married, only to immediately have to handle the pressures of motherhood, alone. you were only twenty-seven when i was born. i just took a class with a bunch of twenty-seven-year-olds. these people seemed older than me in that they were more academically advanced, but that’s about it. i can’t imagine a single one of them having a child. 

furthermore, i’ve been mourning my childhood a lot recently. i grew up without kids in the neighborhood, without trees to climb, without block parties or family cookouts, without walking down the road to the store. this isolation was hard for me, and has socially affected me to this day. but, i never really thought about how this isolation would feel to raise children within. you and dad never had friends or family or any support system. i look back at some of our worst moments as mother and daughter, and as a family, and see a girl in her twenties losing her fucking mind because she’s all alone in a house, not even able to drive to the store, probably suffering from ptsd, her family across the globe, and unusually sickly children. you were living a goddamn nightmare. i can’t imagine how it must have felt. sure, i can levy critiques about how you should’ve gone to therapy and taken better care of yourself and built a support system, but it makes total sense why you didn’t do those things at the time. i think if you could do it all again, you might’ve taken those steps. 

all of this is to say, i think i’m finally beginning to get it. you did some crazy shit, and i have my fair share of issues, but god were the cards stacked against you. not to mention you had to do all of this in alabama. dad is a good person, but he can’t understand this the way other women can. and now that i’m a woman, approaching the age you were when you had me, i can’t imagine going through the same thing you did without totally losing my mind yellow wallpaper-style. 

it’s mother’s day, so i won’t blather on anymore about sad things (though that seems to be all i can write about these days, go figure). i really just wanted to say how much i love you, and how grateful i am for where we are now. thank you for listening, and changing, and loving me when i’m a cunt. thank you for sitting through my stupid decisions and mean-spirited rants and for watching me grow. thank you for supporting my writing. i can’t emphasize enough how much that means to me. thank you for teaching me how to be strong. i hope i’ve been able to teach you some things too, even though i’m still learning how to be a person. 

i love being bosnian. i love being a woman. and i love being your daughter, even when it’s been hard. i’m sure i will see things differently again and again as i grow up, but i think we’re on the right track for once. i’m still trying to learn to love myself and believe in myself and feel beautiful and feel valuable, but it really helps that i finally feel like you see me and understand me. womanhood is painful, and difficult, and nuanced. womanhood often leaves me feeling like sisyphus. i’m just pushing the rock of patriarchy up the mountain over and over again. but i feel like you understand what i mean when i talk to you about it.

 i’m watching you come into your own and start to care about your happiness in a way that you never have since i’ve known you, and i’m so proud of you. i’m rooting for you to find things that you’re passionate about and finally have all the fun you sacrificed for so long. you deserve to breathe fresh air and feel calm and happy for once. i hope you can transition into the next phase of your life with happiness and peace, and i hope i can help make that happen for you. i’m still not sure if i’m going to send this to you even as i’m writing it, but either way i hope you know how i feel about you. happy mother’s day or whatever. i hope we can keep becoming friends and that you won’t feel like your identity is limited to just motherhood. you are smart and capable and beautiful and so fucking interesting, so go out there and be greedy for happiness. take all the happiness you can find. that’s what i’m trying to do, and being able to talk to you about it has been so much fun. i hope i can make you proud and that we can keep getting closer and that i can keep writing things you like. i’m so excited to come home and see you and take you out to lunch and give you a hug. i love you, mom. happy mother’s day

ella <3

p.s. sorry this is in all lowercase, this is how i write in my google doc journal

[thoughtsfornobody]

5/12/2023

I wonder when this battle against my body will end, if ever. I am so tired of looking at myself, wondering, poking, pulling, squishing. Wondering if I am really monstrous, or just insecure. I am curved, womanly, full figured- but people make it very clear, I am not fat. What is the difference? How do you know the difference? Why do I have to find the right spot to exist in? I love food, I hate food. I am in one of those moods again, where I want to feel free by eating as little as I can. It’s not as bad as it was- I used to be able to go days on about 500 calories. Now, I am on my feet all day, walking miles, working, lifting, moving.. I try to hover around 1400 and even that is hard sometimes. I’m tired of counting- but if I don’t count, I lose control. If I do count, it’s all I think about. What is it like to just live? I feel so much guilt if I eat, if I don’t eat. I wonder if everyone sees me the same way I see myself. I fear that someday, they will. It feels like a race, to get smaller and smaller, before I lose the ability to control it. I fear when Z leaves for Japan, I will really need to starve. I can’t have too much food in the house, I will be too lonely. I will eat, bored, sad, stressed. I don’t want to eat. I hate saying it out loud, or even writing it, but I want to get so small in a month that people notice. So small that they know something is wrong. I want people to know I need help, but I cannot ask for it. I need to prove it. I imagine the care in his eyes when he comes back and notices I’ve gotten smaller. I hate this feeling. The feeling like you still need somebody to notice, and care, and even save you. You cannot depend on anybody to save you, but it is nice to imagine it sometimes. I love him so much, and sometimes I want to be the best person I can for him. I am not sure if the best version of me is the one that is healthy, curvy, and hungry, or the one that is restrictive, willful, slim, and elegant. I want to lose weight for me, for him, for the wedding. I see pictures of when I was at my sickest, and I envy her. I am mad, that I am healthy again. I am mad that I have lost that. I feel like I am losing control. It’s so easy, on paper, just don’t eat. But, in this world, eating is such a social, caring, intimate act. I love food, I love enjoying things, especially with my people.  I think I will have to designate one day a week as a cheat day when he’s gone. That’s the only way I won’t go crazy. Maybe one day, I will just drink, and eat, and not care. Then, I will go back to caring. It’s hard, because we have so many things in the house thanks to him. I mean that in a great way. He is very caring, and stocks the fridge, the pantry, everywhere, with good food and even little treats. The life I have always wanted, but should not have. He is able to stay skinny in all of it- I can’t. I need to get a grip on this.

[ikubaes]

i don’t know if you’ll ever see this because i don’t know if you visit these blogs the way i do.

i debated not writing this at all for a few weeks because i kept assuming i would eventually feel better like i always do, but maybe the wound is still fresh or i’m still waning back from talking to you every single day since two years ago, even when i was pulling 10 hour work days and coming home exhausted, but still feeling like i owed you some of my time because we were that close.

my days feel so empty without talking all the time and i never realized how much of a space i craved into my life for you until after i decided it was better to stop talking if things were just going to be like that. i guess i always knew we wouldn’t be able to do tomin forever or “playing dolls” like you called it, but it still feels so surreal to me even if they were just a make believe part of my life that i used to escape from my day to day. i can’t tell how many times i’ve teared up just merely thinking about it. i guess it is kinda my fault for still having so much around me that reminds me of you or tomin and stings further that i have to keep it to myself because there isn’t anyone else on the other side. i wonder if it really did get boring and you didn’t like any of the crazy stuff we head cannoned and did. or maybe it was the lack of writing that finally got to you. or maybe you just got bored of me.

i know i was a lot and i acted out a lot. i regret that. i keep crying these days. i don’t know why i’m being such a baby over a decision that i made. i think about what you mean when you said you missed feeling close to me and the wall i unconsciously put up because i was terrified of liking you back out of my own loneliness. i felt like in my head i was protecting you from how elastic my feelings are and all of the interpersonal issues that i have because i felt like you should move on from me and find someone who’s stable and won’t get annoyed with you over things you can’t control. i’m sorry it was hard to be my friend. i’m sorry for all of the work you put in to make me feel comfortable after what happened with us late 2021. i know we never really talked about it in depth because i thought it was premature and somehow we just never talked about it after. i still don’t really know how to feel— i wish i knew how to navigate these things productively without feeling like i’m the most inept person alive. i knew there was a lot to be workshopped on with us all things considered and i thought i was valid for bringing those points up but i recognized it wasn’t in good taste to bring up at that time. i do care about you a lot even now when i cry thinking about everything. i had such a hard time trusting you after how strained i felt during our hell months and i still felt so inferior to you all the time because of it. i wish i wasn’t so insecure. i really do wish i was better a lot. i really wished back then that i was more capable of tackling those problems head on instead of feeling so defeated and torn down. i really hoped i would get to the point especially when i started therapy and i reached out to you about wanting to forgive kian in my head for everything so i can finally start making strides. i don’t know why this is so hard right now. will it always be this hard? is this all one-sided? maybe you don’t care at all and you’re happy i’m finally gone. i really don’t know… i keep dreaming about this too. i breakdown so often because i feel so guilty and i wish i was better so things could’ve been better and we’d still be close as ever, no matter what title we use. i feel bad for even writing this.

i know the sentiment of “just be better” and i know it’s easier said than done since we’ve been told that by the other. i really don’t know what to do. i don’t know why i feel like this. i feel so selfish just venting this out on this blog. i guess i really can’t stand to be where you can’t see me. i really don’t know what to do… i don’t know if there’s anything to do. what should i do? i feel like a kid again in the worst way. i feel needy and ridiculously clingy and sensitive. i don’t know, i don’t know, i don’t know. were we not really that close? is this what i deserve?

i miss you so much. i miss you so much that it makes me feel pathetic. i thought i knew how it felt to hurt before, i thought i knew the true extent of suffering, but somehow this triumphs everything. i miss talking every day and i miss sending you stupid tiktoks and sending the most insane stories or threads we saw and dissecting them like we were neuroscientists creating a cure for depression. i even miss fighting with you because at least i had your full attention. i miss the stupid voice calls we had and you not being able to take me seriously during fights because you knew i sounded like i was fourteen. i think about the fact that your room has the black cat plushie i gifted you just 3 months into knowing you and the cake erasers or the fact that makeup i picked out specifically for you lives in your drawers with the rest of your belongings. i think about how weaved we were into each other’s lives. i think about the stupid raspberry donut. i miss the cat gifs. i miss hunting for every single bunny and cat gif possible to send to you every night when we said goodnight. i miss our routine. i miss sitting in hyperbeam for hours. i miss talking until 4-5am about absolutely everything and nothing with you, especially knowing i had something in the morning, but not caring because i just wanted to talk to you. i miss the little activities we used to do. i miss the time you set aside for me. i miss listening to your horror stories about your sister. i miss giggling about your chronicles with your mom. i miss you telling me about film school or your childhood years and how you ran around roleplaying as sasuke. i wish we got to play more genshin since you really liked it when we role-played ayaka and thoma on there. i miss being silly with you like that. i miss being corny with you. i miss being your friend. i miss being more than a friend with you. i miss being roleplay partners, i miss everyone being on our business during yangcheon days. i even miss our stupid hyejoo and ningning interactions. i just miss being around you. where am i supposed to put all of this?

i’m so overwhelmed by how much i feel right now. i just don’t know what it is to do. my heart hurts. my chest aches. maybe you really don’t care anymore and you don’t think it’s possible to work things out or maybe you are truly happy to be without me. i wouldn’t blame you if you felt that way. i hope this doesn’t come off as guilt trippy because i truly didn’t mean it that way and i know it’s overwhelming because it was overwhelming to even write this. it’s almost 6am and i can’t sleep because i’m stuck feeling like this. that is if you even read this. i really don’t know. i want to ask for another chance, but that feels so incredibly selfish. i really don’t know. i wish i knew. i really do wish i knew.

you asked me back then who you were to me. you’re someone i’ll never forget because of how you made me feel.

i love you. i’m always here if you need me.

[kittidot]

I’ve been fighting through some killer writer’s block but finally…the next chapter of my soldier boy Lovelink fic is up…as usual you can choose Albert or Jonathan. I hope you enjoy it if you read it.

[burningrebelsworld]

Confessions of Scorpio moon 🌙

I am ashamed of myself for doing everything I possibly could do to make you stay. To make you love me. To fight for your attention. Even in those weak moments when I knew that I deserved so much better than a lost soul who didn’t acknowledge how many hearts they were breaking. I knew exactly how cruel and selfish you were. And yet, I decided to stay. I don’t know why. Cause I never believed I could have you. The closest I could get to being a part of your life was by being your punching bag, or a friend you’d text whenever you were bored. I became the entertainment you needed in your life, but to me, you always were a star shining so bright in the sky, I wouldn’t mind freezing to death if it meant I could gaze at you all night. Little did I know, there were many more eyeing you. I probably was the last person in your priority list. Or maybe not that either. I don’t want to know the answer, I think it’ll break my heart. I try to sound rational, but I really let you break my heart a hundred times, did I not? Well, atleast there’s nothing left that can be broken anymore. I think about you so much, it’s crazy how I can’t get a grip on my fucking self. I wonder if you miss me. I know it’s so strange to think about you. I have so many questions to ask, but I’m not sure if my heart wants to know the answers anymore. I tear up whenever I think about you, rather about the love I had for you. I wish I could be a part of your life and didn’t just fade away. I was barely in the background anyway. I know I’ve acted in ugly ways and I hate how low I had stooped to get you to notice me, to pay attention to me and to give me some of your affection. I never understood what I lacked. Did I lack something? I remember you calling me mean and irritating. I have tried my best to overcome those in the last two years. I don’t know why I cared so much about your opinion of me. I remember you calling me problematic. Was I really problematic? Did you know how insecure I felt everytime you spoke about a new fling, or a new crush? I wouldn’t share you even with a fictional character. That’s probably my insecurity speaking but yeah. I don’t get to read your poems anymore. I wish I did. You have the gift of gab. Do you still write poetry? How have you been lately? I don’t want to make any small talk. I miss our deep conversations. I hope you’ve been able to heal. The idea of letting you go still scares me. But I’ve understood through therapy that letting me go is scarier. I wish we didn’t drift apart. I guess, we weren’t meant to be anyway. I cherish everything we had. I am trying to master detachment. Are you holding onto me tightly too? Cause there’s a reason I’m unable to let you go. I will though. Cause you’re gone. I don’t know if we’ll ever meet again. I don’t know if I want to. I don’t know anything. Why has loving you been such a painful experience even though you are so lovable? I hope no one’s hurt you when I was not around. Please protect your heart. You are precious. You deserve to heal. I wish healing onto you. I hope your inner child feels safe with you. If you have landed a job in these past few years, I want to congratulate you. I knew you were built for great things. And oh hey, belated happy birthday to you. I hope you had a blast. I am happy for you. I hope you continue to do amazing things in the future. Lastly, I hope you find the courage to be yourself. Know that you are loved. And ummm….. missed. Yeah, that’s it. Bye.

[sopejinsunflower]

a/n: I had this idea while entertaining the thought of writing a fic as a bunch of letters instead of the usual narration. But since I’m focused on writing Eidolons now, I decided to change it up a bit. For those who read all of my individual member’s one shot, you will know that none of them had any resolution. So here is a sort of closure to those one shots, written in the form of letters. I put it under OT7 because, well, technically they are? So before you read this one, I suggest you read the one shots first or these won’t make sense lol

Summary: The members wrote a letter to you in regards to their individual stories on my one shots. Unedited

Tags: AU! Short imagines, angsty, fluff

Pairing: Namjoon x you, Jin x you, Yoongi x you, Hoseok x you, Jimin x you, Taehyung x you, Jungkook x you

Namjoon

My dearest y/n,

I know you don’t want to hear it (or read it) but I just feel like I need to let you know you were the love of my life, the light of my soul and the missing piece to my puzzle. You were everything to me and I fucked that up. 

I threw away the one thing I’ve been looking to find, destroyed the one good thing I ever had in my life to chase a glimmer that I thought was gold. But it wasn’t and losing you was a true wake up call. I was greedy and selfish, blinded by my own ego and insecurity to properly come to terms with my own indiscretion. I hurt you the way I promised myself to never do. I broke my wedding vow to you. Nothing I say or do can ever mend this.

To be honest, losing you is a fear that has always been there at the edge of my mind since the day I met you. You were so perfect, so beautiful, so charming I was melted butter in your hands. I fell in love with you faster than I can say “That’s crazy!” but I did, baby. I did. I saw our future together, the life I wanted to have with you, growing old with you. I could see the kids we would have, running around the house, little pitter patter of feet that I would miss when I have to go on my work trips. 

How stupid I was to have done what I did. I was weak and pathetic and gave in to lust and my alcohol-clouded mind. But she didn't mean anything, just a one time thing. Those two weeks put me through hell, wondering how to even come clean. I felt so guilty. What was even worse was the fact that my insecurity caused me to question if you in turn. I couldn’t deal with the blunder I made and had somehow wishfully thought that maybe you had done the same, that way the blame could be shifted. All those times I left you home alone for weeks on end, all those times I couldn’t be there for you.

It was unfair of me to go after your longtime friendship with Min Yoongi. I should’ve known better. I don’t know. I don’t know what was going through my head then. I wish I could take it all back! I wish I could go back in time and make everything okay again. But this is another wishful thinking. 

I miss you so much. The emptiness I feel grows too large for anything else to fill my heart. Any other new partners were just bed warmers; they’re not you. No one can ever be you. No one can ever take your place. And I think it’s fine like this. I’m better off alone. 

I saw a picture of our daughter on Yoongi’s Instagram. She’s gorgeous, just like her mother. I spent the whole night crying on the bathroom floor when I saw that photo. God, what have I done? My family. I broke us up before it even began. You must wonder why I don’t reach out, why I don’t want to see her, why I refuse custody. I’m ashamed, y/n. I’m ashamed of the things I did and I don’t want our daughter to have such a scum of a father. Don’t worry about child support, that will always come. It’s my new vow to you. I’ve set up a trust fund for her that should take care of her long after I’m gone. 

   Yoongi is a good uncle, I can tell. She seems to adore him. He’s a great father figure and it’s all she would ever need. I’m sorry for everything; the pain, the heartache, the betrayal. I can’t say it enough. But I can see that you’re happy now, happier without me. And it’s my only source of happiness, too. You deserve more, baby. You deserve everything I couldn’t give to you and everything that I took away from you.

I wish you nothing but the best and I hope you forgive me. I love you, y/n. I still do even after all these years. I don’t think I will ever stop and it’s the one thing I’ll take to my grave. 

Always and forever yours,

Namjoon.

Note: He never sent this letter, buried somewhere in the drawer of his home office. He had wanted to, even had it stamped. But he thought he had done enough damage. The letter is merely what he wishes he could have said to you.

Jin

To y/n,

I’m a piece of shit, I know. I’ve been told. Many times. But I’m a hot piece of shit. Okay, not funny. 

I’m writing this letter because I think you blocked me? And seems like you’ve moved, too. The new address your building manager gave me looks like a really nice house. Did you get married? If yes, congratulations. You’re a great girl, I’m sure you found someone just as amazing.

Look, I’m writing this to just apologise for what I did. It was a shitty thing to do, careless and selfish. In my defence, it started out all in good fun. You didn’t know who I was and I liked that. Compared to the usual screaming and frenzy when people see me, having someone who had no clue who I was, was refreshing. And you were cute and I had initially just wanted to tease you. I honestly didn’t know that it would turn out this way.

I lost a good friend because of this. And I don’t have many friends to begin with, being in this industry. Everybody seems to want to hang out with me because they want something. Money, usually. It’s a lonely life so don’t get famous, okay? Haha. 

I don’t know why I’m writing you this letter or why I’m desperate for you to have it. I’m not a bad person. At least, I don’t think so. The girls that came and went were only there because they wanted a glimpse of the glamorous life. But once they learn that it’s not so glamorous, they leave. I’m not one to brood over people like that but there’s been too many too much. It’s getting exhausting. It is exhausting. 

Then I remembered you. You who wanted nothing but an actual connection but I guess I haven’t had much of that so I didn’t recognise it at first. So I played that game, mostly for anonymity because I had liked that you liked talking to me as a person, a human being. But that was the extent of it. Anything else more was just an attempt at trying to exert whatever dominance I could to save my bruised ego, and for that I’m truly sorry. 

I don’t want to write too long but I hope you know this is sincere. Are you still not watching TV? Did you see my latest movie? You should. I look good in it. 

I hope you read this letter. If not, it’s okay, too. Whatever your choice is, I’m thankful for that brief moment when you saw right through me. I had needed that.

Sincerely,

Jin.

P/S: Btw, Jungkook had no part in this. I hope you weren’t too hard on him. He’s a good kid. I miss him.

Note: Jin had written a separate letter for Jungkook, sent via a postcard from Italy. The picture was a flag of Italy with the caption Grab Life by the Meatballs, in large capital letters. It was sent to Jungkook’s family home address.

Jungkook-ah,

I’m sorry I was an asshole. Where did you move to? I’ve been trying to find you but it seems that you just disappeared. Please, call me. Your hyung misses you and would prefer a hard knock on the head rather than this silent treatment. I fucked up, I know. But I want to make it right. You were like a brother to me and I’m sorry I let you down and hurt you. 

Call me, please. When you’re ready to talk. 

Hyung.

Yoongi

Dear y/n,

How have you been? I haven’t heard from you in awhile, but then again, I guess that’s kind of the point. 

Y’know, it’s funny. I thought I saw you the other day at the train station. But when I tried to find you, you weren’t there. I probably made you up, seeing things that I’ve been dying to see. Yeah. I really miss you. And I know I shouldn’t be saying this. You deserved better. 

You were right. I couldn’t see what I had until it was already too late. I was too busy focusing on helping others put the pieces of their lives back together that I disregarded the life we had that was falling apart. I did this to us. I ruined us. I was too blind and selfish, too righteous in my own way to even see the damage I was doing to you, to us. I should’ve been there for you, should’ve done more. 

I took your patience for granted, gambling away chances after chances, thinking that I was doing the right thing. But, please believe me when I say that I didn’t mean to hurt you. Breaking your heart was my biggest regret. I threw away a love that was given to me so freely and so unconditionally. I see that now but I know it’s too late. 

I hope you are happy wherever you are. I hope the next man gives you everything I couldn’t and didn’t. I hope he takes you dancing every weekend because I know you love to dance. I hope he knows that your favourite bouquet is anything with baby’s breaths in them and I hope he gets a ton of them for you. I hope he knows how much you love your kids at the kindergarten and I hope he loves the way your eyes crinkle whenever you talk about them. I hope he holds your hand and never lets go. Like I did.

I know I don’t deserve it but I hope that one day you’ll forgive me for being a weak man. You probably don’t want to hear this but I just want you to know that I still love you. I did then and I will always. You were the one that got away.

Yours truly,

Yoongi.

Hoseok

Hey!

So, um, I’m here in New York. Just arrived. But, uh, you didn’t tell me which hotel you’re staying at lol text me back soon! I got the stuff you told me to bring. Can’t wait to see you.

Hoseokxx

He deleted the last sentence before pressing send.

Jimin

Jimin had nothing to say. He had deleted all of your contact details after the night of the threesome. His business runs as usual, including the underground, private parties in collaboration with Taehyung. He had no regrets.

Taehyung

To my future bride-to-be,

You can run but you can’t hide forever. Not from me, baby. Even if it takes months or years, I’ll find you. And when I do, you’ll regret running away from me. I told you, marry me or you’ll never find peace and a life in hiding is nowhere near peaceful. 

Come back, while I still have the grace to forgive you.

Signed,

Your only saviour.

Jungkook

Hello, my love, 

It still feels a little weird to be able to call you that. But like a good kind of weird. I’m just grinning to myself while I’m writing this. OMG, I’m so pathetic it’s cringey!

Ok, so I told you I suck at writing letters but since you wanted one, here you go! But…I don’t know what to say so I’ll just say whatever I feel like saying, I guess. I love you. HA! You probably know this already but god, I love you. So fucking much. Since that first time I saw you. 

I know the way we met was bad and I wish I could erase all that part but I don’t wanna. If I erase all of that, we wouldn’t have met and I would never get the chance to get to know you and we wouldn’t be here today. But I want to let you know that not a day went by without you in my mind, not a day passed that I wish I wasn’t such a coward and had just come clean or talked to you. 

I know we talked about this and I know we’ve moved past this but it’s important for me that you know that you’ve always been there, in the back of my mind, in everything that I do. And I hope you’ll remain here forever and always. I want you with every step of the way moving forward. I love waking up to you, I love going to sleep with you by my side. I love that Bam loves you! And I love the way you call him your boy, too, sometimes. I think that’s cute. He’s our boy. It sounds like we’re a family with a son, hehe

Okay, my handwriting is just getting worse now so maybe I’ll stop? I can say everything else to you face to face. My hand is cramping up. 

Thank you for coming back into my life, y/n. Thank you for finding it in your heart to give me a second chance. I promise I won’t waste it. I’ll do everything that I can to make it up to you going forward. I want nothing but good memories between us. I know it’s ridiculous and that yes, we’ll have fights and bad times ahead but I know we can get through it all. Together. But can you please leave the laundry to me? I, um, have a specific method to it. Thanks ❤️

Anyway, I’m expecting a reward for this letter. Later tonight? :3

Love you!

JK

Note: he had kept Jin’s ridiculous postcard in a drawer, for safekeeping. He’s not sure to reply or not yet. But he’s glad to have it, a reminder that maybe, there’s a chance to mend that bridge.

a/n2: well, lmk what you think in the comments or ask as usual :) if you like, pls like and reblog ❤️

Check out my other works → :MASTERLIST:

Tags:

@effielumiere @serendididy

[blackcatrph]

** sour  sentence  starters.

brutal.

“  i think that i’ll die before i drink.  ”

“  i'm so caught up in the news of who likes me and who hates you.  ”

“  i'm so tired that I might quit my job, start a new life.  ”

“  they'd all be so disappointed  because who am I if not exploited?  ”

“  where's my fuckin' teenage dream?  ”

“  if someone tells me one more time "enjoy your youth," I'm gonna cry.  ”

“  i'm anxious and nothing can help.  ”

“  i wish I'd done this before.  ”

“  i wish people liked me more.  ”

“  all I did was try my best.  ”

“  this the kind of thanks I get?  ”

“  they say these are the golden years.  ”

“  i wish I could disappear.  ”

“  god, it's brutal out here.  ”

“  i feel like no one wants me.  ”

“  i only have two real friends.  ”

“  lately I'm a nervous wreck.  ”

“  i love people I don't like.  ”

“  i hate every song I write.  ”

“  i'm not cool, and I'm not smart.  ”

“  i can't even parallel park.  ”

“  got a broken ego, broken heart.  ”

“  i don't even know where to start.  ”

traitor.

“  brown guilty eyes and little white lies.  ”

“  i played dumb but I always knew.  ”

“  i kept quiet so I could keep you.  ”

“  ain't it funny how you ran to her the second that we called it quits?  ”

“  ain't it funny how you said you were friends?  ”

“  it sure as hell don't look like it.  ”

“  you betrayed me.  ”

“  i know that you'll never feel sorry for the way I hurt.  ”

“  loved you at your worst but that didn't matter.  ”

“  guess you didn't cheat, but you're still a traitor.  ”

“  there's no damn way that you could fall in love with somebody that quickly.  ”

“  ain't it funny, all the twisted games, all the questions you used to avoid?  ”

“  remember I brought her up and you told me I was paranoid?  ”

“  i wish that you had thought this through before I went and fell in love with you.  ”

“  you gave me your word but that didn't matter.  ”

drivers  license. 

“  i got my driver's license last week.  ”

“  just like we always talked about.  ”

“  today I drove through the suburbs crying 'cause you weren't around.  ”

“  you're probably with that blonde girl.  ”

“  she's so much older than me.  ” 

“  she's everything I'm insecure about.  ”

“  how could I ever love someone else?   “

“  i know we weren't perfect but I've never felt this way for no one.  ”

“  i just can't imagine how you could be so okay now that I'm gone.  ”

“  guess you didn't mean what you wrote in that song about me.  ”

“  all my friends are tired of hearing how much I miss you.  ”

“  I kinda feel sorry for them because they'll never know you the way that I do.  ”

“  i still see your face in the white cars, front yards.  ”

“  can't drive past the places we used to go to because I still fuckin' love you.  ”

1  step  forward,  3  steps  back.

“  i called you on the phone today.  ”

“  all I did was speak normally.  ”

“  you got me fucked up in the head.  ”

“  like am I pretty? am I fun?  ”

“  i hate that I gave you power over that kind of stuff.  ”

“  it's always one step forward and three steps back.  ”

“  i'm the love of your life until I make you mad.  ”

“  do you love me, want me, hate me? i don't understand.  ”

“  maybe in some masochistic way I kind of find it all exciting.  ”

“  which lover will I get today?  ”

“  will you walk me to the door or send me home cryin'?  ”

“  it's back and forth, did I say somethin' wrong?  ”

“  it's back and forth, goin' over everything I said.  ”

“  i'd leave you, but the roller coaster's all I've ever had.  ”

deja vu.

“  strawberry ice cream, one spoon for two?  ”

“  i bet she's braggin' to all her friends, sayin' you're so unique.  ”

“  so when you gonna tell her that we did that, too?  ”

“  that was our place, I found it first.  ”

“  i made the jokes you tell to her when she's with you.  ”

“  do you get déjà vu when she's with you?  ”

“  do you call her, almost say my name?  ”

“  i hate to think that I was just your type.  ”

“  don't act like we didn't do that shit too.  ”

“  play her piano, but she doesn't know that I was the one who taught you Billy Joel.  ”

good  4  u.

“  well, good for you, I guess you moved on really easily.  ”

“  you found a new girl and it only took a couple weeks.  ”

“  remember when you said that you wanted to give me the world?  ”

“  good for you, I guess that you've been workin' on yourself.  ” 

“  i guess that therapist I found for you, she really helped.  ”

“  now you can be a better man for your brand new girl.  ”

“  well, good for you, you look happy and healthy.  ”

“  not me, if you ever cared to ask.  ”

“  good for you, you're doin' great out there without me.  ”

“  i've lost my mind.  ”

“  i've spent the night cryin' on the floor in my bathroom.  ”

“  it's like we never even happened.  ”

“  what the fuck is up with that?  ”

“  good for you, it's like you never even met me.  ”

“  remember when you swore to god i was the only person who ever got you?  ”

“  well, screw that and screw you.  ”

“  you will never have to hurt the way you know that I do.  ”

“  maybe I'm too emotional.  ”

“  your apathy's like a wound in salt.  ”

“  maybe I'm too emotional  or maybe you never cared at all.  ”

“  like a damn sociopath.  ”

enough  for  you.

“  i wore makeup when we dated because I thought you'd like me more.  ”

“  i know that you loved before.  ”

“  tried so hard to be everything that you like.  ”

“  i read all of your self-help books so you'd think that I was smart.  ”

“  stupid, emotional, obsessive little me.  ”

“  i knew from the start this is exactly how you'd leave.  ”

“  you found someonе more exciting.  ”

“  you left me there cryin', wonderin' what I did wrong.  ”

“  you always say I'm never satisfied but I don't think that's true.  ”

“  all I ever wanted was to be enough for you.  ”

“  maybe I'm just not as interesting as the girls you had before.  ”

“  you couldn't have cared less about someone who loved you more.  ”

“  i'd say you broke my heart but you broke much more than that.  ”

“  i don’t want your sympathy, i just want myself back.  ”

“  don’t you think i loved you too much to be used and discarded?  ”

“  don't you think I loved you too much to think I deserve nothing?  ”

“  don’t tell me you’re sorry, feel sorry for yourself.  ”

“  someday i’ll be everything to somebody else.  ”

“  you’ll be the one crying.  ”

happier.

“  we broke up a month ago. ”

“  your friends are mine you know.  ”

“  you’ve moved on, found someone new.  ”

“  i thought my heart was detached from all the sunlight of our past.  ”

“  she’s so sweet, she’s so pretty.  ”

“  does she mean you forgot about me ?  ”

“  i hope you’re happy but not like how you were with me.  ”

“  i’m selfish i know. i can’t let you go.  ”

“  find someone great, but don’t find no one better.  ”

“  i hope you’re happy, but don’t be happier.  ”

 “  do you tell her she’s the most beautiful girl you’ve ever seen?  ”

“  an eternal love bullshit you know you’ll never mean.  ”

“  remember when i believe you meant it when you said it first to me?  ”

“  now i’m picking her apart like cutting her down will make you miss my wretched heart.  ”

“  she’s beautiful, she looks kind.  ”

“  she probably gives you butterflies.  ”

“  i wish you all the best, really.  ”

“  say you love her, just not like you loved me.  ”

“  think of me fondly when your hands are on her.  ”

jealousy  jealousy.

“  i kinda wanna throw my phone across the room.  ”

“  all i see are girls too good to be true.  ”

“  i know their beauty’s not my lack but it feels like that weight is on my back.  ”

“  comparison is killing me slowly.  ”

“  i think i think too much.  ”

“  i’m so sick of myself, i’d rather be anyone else.  ”

“  my jealousy started following me.  ”

“  i see everyone getting all the things i want.  ”

“  i’m happy for them, but then again, i’m not.  ”

“  i can’t stand it.  ” 

“  oh god i sound crazy.  ”

“  their win is not my loss, i know it’s true.  ”

“  i can’t help getting caught up in it all.  ”

“  all your friends are so cool.  ”

“  you go out every night.  ”

“  you’re living the life.  ”

“  i want to be you so bad, and i don’t even know you.  ”

“  all i see is what i should be.  ”

favourite  crime.

“  know that i love you so bad.  ”

“  i let you treat me like that.  ”

“  i was your willing accomplice.  ”

“  i watched as you fled the scene.  ”

“  doe-eyed as you buried me.  ”

“  the things i did just so i could call you mine.  ”

“  the things you did. well, i hope i was your favourite crime.  ”

“  you used me as an alibi.  ”

“  i crossed my heart and you crossed the line.  ”

“  i defended you to all my friends.  ”

“  every time i siren sounds, i wonder if you’re around.  ”

“  you know that i’d do it all again.  ”

“  it’s bittersweet to think about the damage that we’d do.  ”

“  i was going down but i was doing it with you.  ”

“  i say that i hate you with a smile on my face.  ”

“  look what we became.  ” 

hope  ur  ok.

“  his parents cared more about the bible than being good to their own child.  ”

“  wore long sleeves because of his dad.  ”

“  somehow we fell out of touch.  ”

“  hope he took his bad deal and made a royal flush.  ”

“  don’t know if i’ll see you again someday.  ”

“  i hope that you’re okay.  ”

“  her parents hated who she loved.  ”

“  she was brought into a world where family was merely blood.  ” 

“  with the courage to unlearn all of their hatred.  ”

“  we don’t talk much.  ”

“  i miss you and i hope that you’re okay.  ”

“  address the letter to the holes in my butterfly wings.  ”

“  nothing’s forever, nothing is as good as it seems.  ”

“  when the clouds are ironed our and the monsters creep into your house, every door is hard to close.  ”

“  i hope you know how proud i am.  ”

“  i hope that you’re happier today.  ”

“  i love you and i hope that you’re okay.  ”