#I’ve gone crazy insecure about my writing

[haibunnyy]

This might be a hot take but…

I loved S7 of vld and I don’t get all the hate for S8. I see it a lot on here that people hate the later seasons or flat out refuse to watch S7-S8 and while everyone’s entitled to their opinions, honestly I don’t get it and hope now with VLD being taken off Netflix people give it a chance before it’s gone.

!Spoilers below!

Disclaimer S7 IS my favorite season. From the travel home where we see just how far the paladins have come with their relationships with each other from goofy moments like the game show episode to E6 the journey within, when they’re going crazy stranded in space and fighting with each other. “you ran away. Maybe you should’ve just stayed away” ugh the angst love it.

Then the second half of the season had so many solid moments where the cast finally got what they wanted, going home, seeing their families, proving the people who doubted them wrong (specifically Keith with this one tbh) but it’s nothing like how they expected. I thought the fight for earth arc was one of the most serious and emotional arcs of the show. Everyone willing to die for their home planet, the almost self-sacrifice moments, part where Lance closes his eyes ready to die and Keith’s calling out to him…sold.

Don’t get me wrong it’s far from perfect, I hear the criticism. We get the dreaded bury your gays drop this season with Adam (maybe that’s why they decided to kill off Allura, had to even it out /j )

Moving into S8, arguably not at good as S7 by a long shot but I still think it’s worth the watch. And I know I’m gonna lose people here but oh well it’s me and my delusions against the world.

Persssonaalllyyy I see a lot of the hate for this season comes from Allura and Lance getting together. And okay don’t shoot me here but I’ve noticed a lot of hate for Allura in general stems from this season and I am a Allura defender to the end. I’m gonna be honest in the rewatch I could see it, why people ship klance (they’re my OTP I get it), the rumors about if there was one more season it’d be canon, or how the staff even shipped them or how someone left the team or got fired and that’s why it’s not canon. I get it truuuussttt me I get it. But that’s just not what we got and in the context of what we did get, I honestly thought Lance’s and Allura’s relationship, as short lived as it was, was cute.

We see 7 seasons of Lance flirting with Allura, flirting with all these girls claiming to be a romantic and you now what? He is! He’s a good boyfriend! As much as he changed throughout the show he’s still “loverboy Lance” nervous to make the perfect date for the girl he likes, talking to his friends about it cause he’s feeling insecure taking out a literal princess, taking Allura to meet his family, and as much as I ship klance over allurance (and would have preferred for the two of them to go out instead) their date was CUTE okay sue me.

As for Allura, I get it, she did not like Lance AT ALL in the beginning seasons. So where did this come from? Poor choices in the writing room most likely BUT in the canon Allura has been strong willed the entire show, leading along side the BP, becoming a paladin herself, giving up her father to protect others, loosing the castle of lions and truly one of the last pieces of Altea, she looses so much and even when she finds out there’s Alteans alive, they hate her and believe she’s the bad guy. She’s been this selfless warrior princess who’s had to be selfless for 7 seasons, I think when presented the opportunity to be selfish and happy, she would take it. Shes tired, all her paladins got to go home to their families, got to return to their home planet. Shes lonely af, happy for them ofc but that shit gotta be depressing.

And again as much as I prefer Klance and Allura/ Romelle, for the canon I thought it made a lot of senses that she’d go out with Lance after he asks. I definitely see it as a “fuck it, why not” from her and she gained feelings throughout their relationship. Which irl I don’t recommend but in my eyes it humanized Allura. She made a lot of selfish choices this season from taking creature from the void to, agreeing to go out with Lance. But again I don’t even think it was out of character of her. I think it was bound to happen, after everything she’s been through, being selfless and perfect all the time she finally cracks. Plus it was nice seeing Allura have her “I’m just a girl” moment. Going shopping with Romelle and Pidge, having girl talks, trying to impress Lance’s family. It made her more relatable.

Another selling point for this season were the fight seasons Honestly I loved all the fight scenes in this season, the animation really popped off today. My fav was between Zethrid and the paladins. But does does loose a point here for Zethrid and Ezor being hinted as a wlw but never explicitly stated so boo to that.

We also have a lot of fun and rewarding moments with the paladins as well, like the clear day episode. We get to see Shiro actually have fun for once. Only took 8 seasons but hey. The moments between Pidge and her family were very wholesome and rewarding considering how much Pidge went through to get her family back together. Lance with his family was also cute. His little rant about why his sister shouldn’t go out with Keith was funny. The infamous sunset scene with Keith and Lance, would I have gone batshit insane if it was a love confession between the two? Oh absolutely but oh well. Hunk and Keith’s friendship was nice to see considering where they started with Hunk being the timid one and Keith being an emo loser. TLDR it was nice to see those finale happy times where we really see how far everyone has come before the ending.

As for the ending, maybe I’m just not creative enough to see a different route. But Honerva being the finale villain was one of my favorite choices for this ending. She’s been there literally the entire time just fucking shit up for the universe. Her motive to be in a reality where she can be with her husband and child? 👏 having villains just be evil for the fuck of it is great and all. But it reminded me a lot of the scarlet witch from marvel and she’s my all time favorite character in he MCU so maybe that’s why I liked Honerva so much. Fuck the universe if your family is on the line, am I right? It made her a great villain in my eyes and the polar opposite of allura who had to give up her family and her home for the sake of the universe.

Which is why Allura sacrificing herself to save the universe? Lowkey saw it coming since around season 5 and to me made total sense. She tried to be normal, to live on earth or on the atlas, but she’s a reliac of the past and she knows it. It goes back to the point I made of this girl is tired af. A chance to save to universe and be reunited with her parents even if it’s death, she’d do it. Season 8 she tried deviating from the role forced upon her as the selfless sacrificial lamb but she was doomed from the start. I deadass cried when she died and honestly I’m fine with her death as well. Everyone did what they were destined to do; if the paladins were destined to save the universe, she was destined to die for it.

Now to the post credits and post canon

Here’s where I say the hate is valid and deserved. Points lost fr with having Shiro marry an extra. I get it, they wanted the diversity points of saying YES Shiro is in fact gay but they were only allowed so much wiggle room/if they put it at the very end nothing can go wrong right? so they settled for that. Do I see the damage it does towards queer representation in media? Now I do but at the time when my little gay self watched that I was shocked they’d even show that much and took the breadcrumb piece of rep and ran with it. I told myself, “meh shiro deserves to live the quiet married life after all the shit he’s been there.” But it def should have been Adam.

As for everyone else, the journey’s over. The lions are gone, I thought it made sense that everyone went their separate ways but still maintained a friendship. That’s growing up, that’s adulthood. When I watched that at 17 I was annoyed that they didn’t stay together as a friend group but now at 23, I totally get it. They are still friends, they just got their own things going on so they only reunite when they can. If that’s not adult friendships idk what is.

Keith traveling with the blade helping others, great! Hunk and Shay being cooks and doing diplomacy shit, awesome! Pidge living her best life with her parents building up earth, love it! Did I like that the one Latino character ended up being a stereotype and living on a farm? No I did not.

I interrupted as Lance staying on earth and grieving Allura’s death. Which I can see happening but Lance deserved his own happy ending. I see Lance becoming an MFE pilot or joining the Atlas crew with his sister, something where he continues to pilot cause it’s all he’s ever wanted to do but still carrying that grief with him.

To finish this yap session off, my final thoughts are I think a lot of S8 hate comes from Allurance and the post credits. I think the hate for Allurance and Allura is unfair and some of it stems (from what I’ve noticed) from this misogynist/fetishizing tendacy to shit on the female characters who come between mlm ships in fandoms. So again, I am an Allura defender through and through.

As mentioned earlier, hate for the post credits, makes total sense. But I’d like to bring up a point I see rarely discussed in this discourse. I am not excusing the queer bating that happened or the blatant racial stereotype we got for Lance’s ending but I truly believe Voltron is a product of the times and essential for the evolution of queer rep in western animation. I could do an entirely separate post on this but I’ll sum it up as best as I can here. Queer representation in main stream western media was still new and touchy. And mlm representation was even fewer. I think the backlash is valid and was necessary for dreamworks/Netflix and any other companies to learn their lesson that gay people in cartoons is OKAY and should be normalized. that’s why following I think Vld was one of the many factors in a shift for openly queer couples in animation that we see in shows like She-ra.

So it sucked that we never got klance yeah but I never once thought Klance was gonna be canon. I wished for it but I figured the best we could hope for is some hints like how they ended Legend of Korra.

So besides from the effects it had on western media, as a fan I’ll still take the ending and even recommend it to people as is because of the art that came after. The fanart, the edits, the post-canon and fix-it fics I love reading time and time again. None of that would exist without that controversial ending. I don’t think I’d still be such a diehard fan to this day if it had ended any differently. My appreciation for this show and obsession stems from how invested I was in the controversies, rumors and hype every season. Like the whole pride month post on twitter, dear god what a mess but hopefully a word of warning now for creators thinking of queer baiting fans again.

It’s not perfect, there were a lot of fucks up along the way and at times, downright problematic but I will still always recommend people watch VLD all the way through. But hey maybe that’s just my way of wishing I had more people to talk about the ending with ¯\_ツ_/¯

[wannabevampire]

hello my vampires!

it’s allie! i don’t know how many of you remember me (goodness knows i don’t blame you considering i’ve been gone for TWO YEARS!!). but in case you forgot i use to write fanfics on here! mainly marvel, i was probably most known for writing fics about druig and matt murdock!

my life has changed A LOT since then. i moved across the country, started studying at my dream school in my dream program (#allieinstem), lived in THREE different apartments and dealt with oh so much roommate drama, became a bit of a party girl for a moment, worked a lot of different jobs, and fell in love :)

as we all know the world has FINALLY woken up and realized how hot Barry Keoghan is!! and a few weeks ago i caught myself thinking “huh i wonder what happened to that old tumblr account i ran that had over a thousand followers where i was a complete whore on the internet and wrote fan fics constantly??”.

i “abandoned” this account over two years ago, but I still think about it every now and then. i left suddenly and without notice for a multitude of reasons, but without getting too specific i was going through some insanely drastic life changes and my mental health wasn't the best.

I have retyped this post so many times because I'm not sure what to say! But I've been thinking about this account and how much it meant to me. As well as remembering my wonderful mutuals who were always so sweet, funny, and supportive <3

life has been really tough recently, not bad just…hard. and i remember how cathartic this community was for me. i’ve mentioned this before, but english is my second language and my writing has always been a huge insecurity of mine. and yet I felt so welcomed here and it gave me so many opportunities to write for fun!

to see that my fics, blurbs, and slutty fantasies are still being reblogged is so crazy and it makes me very happy! i'm not sure if i'll start writing again but i guess we’ll see :)

(regardless i might reblog a bunch of my old druig/barry content because of the current barry renaissance lol)

side note: went through my drafts and found an old matt murdock fic that i never posted???? it’s like 3.5k words lol and it's almost finished. so weird seeing my old work but like…should i post??

if you remember me at all or are interested in my old work please reach out to me! mutual, nonnie, follower, literally anyone!! i’d love to see how this little corner of the internet is doing <3

as always…

xoxo,

allie 🕊️

p.s. I have such a strong urge to reach out to my old mutuals who are still active because you guys are all such talented writers but I don't know if that would be weird since it's been so long! ahh!!! should I?? please say hi!!!

p.p.s should i post that matt murdock fic??

[hyukascampfire]

I love your current winter theme. It's so pretty! I also love how well put together your navigation posts look. I'm in awe.

I apologize for how long it took me to send my thoughts about TSFAWC. I was occupied with some work, but I started reading it religiously yesterday.

Also about the ask I sent about their ages, you are so right. the winter is going to go crazy. I can't wait to think about this fic all winter. Reading this in winter is a must, and I'm so happy to be reading it right now. It's the perfect timing.

After reading your reply, I HAVE MY EYES set ON BEOMGYU. HE SOUNDS LIKE A DORK. I NEED TO SEE HIS ASS RN (currently reading chapter 3).

OC being 19 makes so much sense, actually, I love your interpretation, by the way, I completely get it.

Here are my thoughts now.

The beginning of the first chapter, omg 😭, mc is better than me because I would've kicked that damn goblin in the balls after seeing the way he behaved regarding that staircase LIKE THE AUDACITY OF THIS MAN (but again I don't think she had any other choice in her universe unlike I do).

It’s more difficult than you had anticipated to keep your mouth shut about what had happened, but Taehyun stays quiet, so you do too. You make yourself useful, packing up with him, hoping to ease the palpable tension.

Now... Mc might just be stronger than me because I'd make my embarrassment too visible, like running away the night that happened.

Insecurities whisper in your ears that the kiss was just… disappointing to him. It was your first kiss, anyway.

Now I'm lowkey curious if Taehyun is a manwhore or not.

“I already sent them back.”You watch him storm out. That means that the dress in your hands is not from Yeonjun; it is from Taehyun.

Wait, what happened here? 😢 Did he take one out of the many dresses YJ sent and keep it to scold her, or did he get a pretty dress by himself and send the royal errand runner back to YJ without taking any of the dresses? I'm confused is he being sweet or a cvnt right now?

-🕸

thank you so much, love!! i’ve been waiting to hear back from you >_< i’ve been loving the winter vibe recently, if u couldn’t tell, lmao. tsfawc is absolutely a perfect winter read. if it snows around you, you can pretend you’re there when you look outside. heheh.

I CANT WAIT FOR YOU TO MEET HIM 😭 i can’t say anything at all because i don’t want to spoil, but omfg i love him. it’s a little treat to write him amid all the tense and emotional stuff.

omfg i know. him grabbing her arm? wouldve crashed out. who do you think u are mr goblin 🤨 but yeah she’s lived there her whole life so she’s got tolerance for that kinda stuff LMAO

no seriously, if it was that tense and quiet after kissing him and he REFUSED to talk abt it….? sorry id be heading home. or just kill me. shes so strong for that. especially him pulling away from the kiss like that and then just… stifling tenseness. ID RATHER DIE. but there’s also so much going on behind the scenes there.

MANWHORE 😭😭😭😭 picturing TSFAWC taehyun as a manwhore omfg i think a tear just ran down my cheek. YOU JUST GOTTA SEE. i love seeing reactions to things in live action, like i love this SO much.

sorry if it was a little muddled what happened >.<!! the latter is right. he sent all the dresses back to yeonjun, because he’d already gone and gotten MC. a dress after her frustration with how she was dressed the night before. so he gave her his dress, and all of yeonjun’s went back. i love this scene so much, it’s one of my favorites.

thank you so much for taking the time out of your day to read it, especially when it sounds like you’ve been super super busy! and even taking the time to write out reactions for me. i could hug you right now. i love my readers to the moon,, i enjoyed this so thoroughly. LET ME KNOW WHEN YOU GET TO THE NEXT PARTSSS

[astridthevalkyrie]

chand ko chakor dekhe, tujkho naseebo wala (the bird looks at the moon, a lucky one looks at you) | hawks x reader | chapter 2

“You’ve died twice? From clocks?” “I know you’re not blind to the rocks and debris flying literally everywhere! The world would be better off without you in it!” you scream at the villain. The machine is even louder as it breaks and jams into the ground. “Flying building pieces or something, I don’t know—one hit me yesterday. The first day I got knocked into a wall, and then I woke up hugging my body pillow. Same thing the next day. And the next, and the next. Did my number three pro hero partner save me? No, he let me get stuck in a fucking time loop!” Or, you’ll do a lot of things with infinite time on your hands, but falling in love with Keigo Takami isn’t one of them.

a/n: you know it's a good writing kick when i'm updating despite no one liking this but me LOL

warnings: afab reader with she/her pronouns. FOUL language, reader curses so much, and just general rudeness, lots of death because reader is morbid, reader slutshames hawks

1

“So how many times have you told me?”

“Jesus, you must be allergic to asking original questions.”

Hawks levels you with an unimpressed look. “I’d say something about how I obviously wouldn’t remember my past self’s questions—”

“‘But you’ll probably make fun of me by repeating verbatim what I’m saying.’” You smirk at the pained look on his face that accompanies your air quotes. “Yeah. Now you’re going to try and think of an original, out of the box question to ask, which, if you can believe it or not, varies on how I move or what I say. I look right, you ask me what past you has said so far, but if I look left, you ask me about how I’ve been keeping myself entertained.”

After a long pause in which you think about how much you hate this fucking coffee, Hawks says, “You’re going to be a pain to talk to.”

“I’m a goddamn delight. You’re the one I’ve had to convince of this six whole times.”

“But you keep tellin’ me, sweetheart.” Ew. Ew. “Why is that?”

“I told you, you’re a constant everyday. Besides me dying.”

“You die—”

“Yes,” you sigh impatiently, “I never get through the day without dying. The longest I’ve gone is till 4 PM.” Gesture to the clock that you know is five minutes ahead. “So, one hour left to go! Yay me.”

Now you both only stare at each other, which is new, since Hawks can usually never shut the fuck up. There’s a question you want to ask, have wanted to ask for the past few days you’ve told him (with some breaks in between because come on, you’re not a walking Wikipedia page for fucking time loops and Hawks has no idea how to not be a pain) but you’re not going to because. Uh. Insecurity or some shit. 

Taking a long swig of his yucky strawberry bright pink dark-as-his-soul drink, freaky golden eyes observe you. You only darken your own gaze. What is this? A death match? Well, you’ve died several times and he’s still stuck at zero so. You know. He can suck your dick.

“Why don’t you ask me some questions?” he finally offers, and when you narrow your eyes, he grins cheerfully. “C’mon, songbird, you know you want to.”

“What’s the ratio of men you’ve been with versus women?”

“Four to nine. Challenge me next time.”

What a smug little shit. “Slut. How crazy do you think I am right now?”

“Not any more than normal.”

“How do you not sweat in that oversized jacket?”

“Bird stuff. And style takes priority over comfort.”

“Wild.” This is boring. Fucking boring, you’re bored, and you could die at any time. How boring does something have to be for you to not be nervous about death? Goddamn. 

You’re nearly beaming when a gunshot hits the ceiling, only for your happy mood to be replaced by a horrified one when a literal mini feather takes the robber out of the store and knocks him against a lamppost. What the fuck. What the fuck, dude.

The waitress who makes the least shitty coffee in the whole cafe has tears in her eyes. “Oh, thank you, Hawks! Thank you! I was so scared!”

“When?”

A fat tear catches on her lip as she quivers. “W-what?”

“When were you scared? He dealt with that in a second! The asshole didn’t even give you time to be scared!”

“I’m fast,” Hawks winks at her, stepping too close for your comfort. Slut. WHORE. “Oh my god,” he snaps his fingers in realization, “you knew that was going to happen. You’re a bad person.” For some reason, that thought is abso-fucking-lutely hilarious to him. “You were so about to let this store be robbed.”

“Um, no. For your FYI—”

“Redundant—”

“The same things don’t happen everyday. I mean that stupid fucking shit for brains asshole clock bitch always shows up, but the cafe has never been robbed before. That’s just the universe trying to kill me. Look.” You stomp out, waving away the waitress who seems too hesitant to tell you that you have to pay they can put you in jail give you a life sentence it won’t matter now innit and kneel down by the robber.

“Aha! One more bullet. This was my death instrument. But you interrupted.” 

SCARY shimmery golden eyes get closer closerthanhewastothewaitress until you’re knelt up against the same lamppost that gave Mr. Robber a concussion. “So I saved your life. Do I get a thank you kiss?”

“You get a choke on my balls, man. Also, you’re being, like. Really casual about this. Consistently. You’re telling me to try stuff and I’m trying the stuff, like I watched the Bill Murray movie and I gave myself a really good orgasm, and none of it worked, but if I didn’t know better I’d say you were living this with me.”

“Nah.” The corners of his lips quirk up genuinely. “I’m just trying to match whatever you’re giving me. You’re not panicking, so I’m not gonna be the one who tries to push you over the edge.”

“But I am panicking. Like, it’s whatever because I can’t stop it, but Hawks, I’m still...” You blink, looking at him, for the first time, with a defeated look. “Stuck.”

The pro catches your chin before it falls, forcing it up to meet his gaze. Ugly, lemon-colored eyes. Lips that at least four men and nine women have kissed. You wonder if Hawks is into degradation. He looks like he has a praise kink.

His hand encircles your wrist, he leans in, and then he blows a cherry on your cheek.

“Gross, dude, you’re gross!”

“Tell me everyday.” he replies cheerfully, “not that I’m gross.” You’re going to tell him exactly that everyday. Even when you’re not in a time loop. If you’re ever not in a time loop. “But about what’s happening. I’ll help get you unstuck no matter what.”

Why. You’re not gonna ask that. You’re just gonna accept the help that he owes you for not saving you the first day. And fuck that little butterfly-flutterfly shitstain feeling that’s usually reserved for your pussy that’s creeping up higher and twisting into knots in your stomach.

(The only time you’ve ever felt it with Hawks in the past was that one time he was fucking stuffing his gob with cheap street vendor fried chicken and when he swallowed he. Groaned. Out loud. All disgusting and unghhhh and shit.  And your womanly wiles liked it. The fuck.)

“Fine.” Your palm touches his cheek right as the robber comes to, taking the gun that you cleverly left at his side and blowing a hole in your head. 

—————————————————

You will not be telling Hawks you died while caressing his prickly bird face.

—————————————————

In three days actuallynodaysatallhowSPOOKY, it’s 4 PM, and you and Hawks are at the top of the highest building in the city. 

“You never did ask.” Hawks looks and sounds like a villain, surrounded by so many feathers pointed outward. You feel like a civ too, in the middle of it all, standing helplessly. But you’re not scared of him. If you weren’t sure you could take him? Then maybe. Are you sure? Maybe. Whatever. You can work on that confidence todaymorrow.

“Ask what?” The way your hands are up as though you’re ready to fight invisible demons would you make you fucking cackle if it was anyone else.

“Why my questions are different depending on the way you turn.”

You release a heavy laugh, eyes darting around like a madwoman. What will it be? A comet? A criminal? The building itself crumbling? You’d think a person would know what to expect after…nineteen? twenty? however-many-the-fuck-days. “You shit. That’s why you’ve been telling me to ask you stuff each day. Clever little birdbrain.”

A fly barely gets into the fray before a crimson feather wraps around it and tosses it to the side. Hawks does many things, but taking chances when it comes to doing his job isn’t one of them, apparently. Not that this is his job. Or at least you didn’t ask for it to be if he’s making it his personal mission to ensure you live that’s on him and only him.

“So why?”

“Oh, I’m not gonna tell you.”

“What!? Why not?”

“Because now there’s at least one piece of info that you won’t know and can’t parrot to poor tomorrow me.” He grins, showing you his stupid pearly whites. “Sucks to suck.”

“Fuck you.” You flip him off. “I’ll just manipulate it out of you tomorrow.”

Hawks’ voice comes out in a song—only this bitch would somehow find a way to one-up you when you’re literally immortal. “No, you woooon’t, songbird. Oh, hey!” He holds up his phone. “4:01!”

“4:01?” Your eyes bulge.

“Four o fucking one!”

“4:01!” you shriek happily, throwing yourself into his arms. Hawks squeezes you tight, burying his face in your hair like you two are the parents of some graduating high school student who was also the class president as THOUGH your combined genes would ever create such a genius. 

Hawks is warm.

A plane fucking crashes into you. He’s miraculously spared.

Bitch.

[fyreflys]

/ nsfw

Guys I just. Had an INTENSE thought. About A/B/O everlark-

NO STOP DONT LEAVE PLEASE COME BACK HEAR ME OUT PLEASE

LISTEN. I’m talking. Alpha top Katniss and Omega bottom Peeta ARE YOU HEARING ME OR AM I INSANE would that not be the best fucking fic or am I just crazy

Like. Katniss has really irregular cycles and so she rarely has ruts. Meanwhile Peeta is Consistent as Hell & has one every two months to the DAY. And they’re worse when Katniss hasn’t had a rut in a while.

Fic takes place when Katniss has gone almost 6 months without a rut, which is the longest dry spell she’s had since the Revolution. And so when Peeta’s heat comes, it hits him HARD. And Katniss struggles to take care of him. He’s needy and desperate and out of his goddamn mind and she does every thing she can think of to try and help him & she’s insecure about the fact that she doesn’t seem to be enough to satiate him & between all his horny-out-of-his-mind spells Peeta unknowingly does tiny little things that lets Katniss know just how loved & appreciated she is & it’s just soft & fluffy & incredibly hot bc OMG alpha female representation LFG

(I’ve secretly just been waiting for an excuse to write miserable whimpy peeta & femdom Katniss fucking his lights out while somehow still keeping them in character & a/b/o might actually be my solution UM I MIGHT ACTUALLY WRITE THIS WOULD YOU GUYS BE MAD)

[happinessismusic]

You’ve expressed that you’ve had this song for two years. Does that mean you have been in the studio more recently recording new music for the album that’s to come?

Gwen Stefani: Yeah, I have like a whole bunch of songs that I wrote in 2020 all the way up to now. I’ve been writing and going to the studio again. It’s one of those things, I feel like anyone that’s a songwriter can relate to this who is able to write a song about something that feels honest and real and purposeful. And by the way, you can go in and write a song and on paper, the song is everything you think it is and you get excited and then you decide, “I don’t really wanna listen to that” and you don’t know why. When you write a song like “Hollaback Girl,” you know that minute that you’ve just touched something that’s never been touched before and you’re jumping on the couch and you’re having your Tom Cruise moment. Like, “Whoa, this is crazy.”

But other times when you write songs, it’s not special. It’s really been challenging to know sonically what the direction is. When I wrote my last album, which is forever ago, This Is What The Truth Feels Like, which is actually one of my favorite albums, I kind of feel like when I got my team, I felt as if they were my cheerleaders. Any idea I had, they were so supportive and so I could be completely free with myself in the studio. This time around, I feel I’ve gone in with so many different people and I always get, like you said at the beginning, “What are you waiting for?” I always get really insecure and worried about writing a song, and then I’m happy to do it in a four-hour window when the kids are at school. It’s just different. I look back at my life and I go, “Wow, I was so selfish.” I got to be such a true artist in the sense that I got to stay up all night and show up at the studio at one in the morning and then sleep all day. Those things are kind of necessary to write music. That’s probably why it took me so long and why it always takes me a long time. No Doubt doesn’t even have that much music if you really look at how long we’ve been around. There’s not a lot of music compared to a lot of people, sadly. Over the last couple of months, I went in with some people that I adore and had really good chemistry with. I’m just dying to go back in and write with them because every single song you write changes what the record could be. Another one falls off that you’re like, “Oh, I thought that was good, but eh I like this one.” Currently, I’m in that zone.

I have four new ones that I literally can’t stop listening to. And so when that happens, I’m assuming that other people might feel the same way. That’s exciting. But there’s no time. Now I’m going on tour. I know it’s four shows, but it doesn’t matter because just the lead-up to just do it takes as much as it does to go on a 60-date tour. I also really learned in my life to build time to enjoy downtime by watching movies, cooking, hanging out with my husband, gardening, and other things too.

---------

Gwen talks about her songwriting process. I love how she mentioned enjoying downtime by hanging out with Blake and gardening.

More here:

[muggycuphead]

weird flex but ok i guess pt.34

33

War…Hold up, do we really need a warning for this one? Dunno, but however, watch out for slightly disturbing and kinda…disgusting imagery, trypophobic patterns, as well as ‘necrotic’ (and dark themed) designs I made while having funky fever bc o h m y g o d do I get a little crazier every new quarantine day (and at this point it’s coming to be an usual thing for me, big sad). However, most are made no other than for the sole sake of satire, so y’know, no need to get your underwear in a twist

Friday Night Funkin’ BoyFriend’s Hood – AU fanconcept sketches [XXIX]

Ladies and gentlemen, the time we been all waiting for

Pico taking part on the plot wooo

…although again, it’s a rewritten event that separates from both FNF and PS:LCA storylines so prepare for the dumpster fire I’m about to unleash (man am I real insecure when it comes to writing characters I don’t know that deeply, let alone newgrounds characters altogether, vomits)

1. Out to catch the train on my own

Week 3 references? Week 3 references indeed

There isn’t much dialogue here, just BF going to get the metrotro after going out of school (bro came out late bc night turn wowza)

Though the events might be happening a few days after Pico day (can’t specify the year, rip), hence why Pico would be there in the first place

2. Watch for spikes!

(On his way to the train stop, BF notices someone close to his trail) (Startled) “Oh shit!” (BF quickly jumps with his skateboard and leaps above the someone waiting on the stop, landing on the other side, panting a bit)

Can someone please make a joke about skating games I’m out of lines here, help

3. Taking Ls…?

“Boooo… that sucked ass”

(BF looks baffled and annoyed, as he just stands up, holding close his skate with his foot) “I was trying to avoid hitting your ass, bozo”

Jerky Pico for no reason hehehehe…jk

4. Messing around

(The ginger fella walks close to BF, slightly elbowing him as he chuckles) “Ay, I’m just messing with ya, bro! Won’t lie, that was good quick thinking back there. Not that it would have done anything to me, I’ve been gone through worse blows myself, a skateboard hit is of the last things I’d worry about”

(BF smirks) “You’re of the looney ones, aren’tcha?”

(The fella retorts) “More like of the mad ones a bit, but yeah, that could sorta work too” (Looks at him with a raised brow) “Lemme guess, you aren’t from around here, are ya?”

(BF wonders in confusion) “Uh, not really, why’d ya ask?”

(The fella chuckles) “Ah, nothing, just…occasionally people from here that come across my way either go crazy and wow…or simply try to kill me on the spot; last one kinda sucks but -hey!” (Shrugs mid discourse) “It comes with the job after dealing with school shenanigans that go further from mere bullying feuds”

(BF connects the dots with the keywords) “Hold on, wait –No way! You…you’re that Pico guy from the school shooting news from years ago?”

(Pico winks at BF) “Right on the moolah, pal”

(BF is even more baffled) “Nooo, you kidding! You kidding!”

(Pico laughs) “Nah, I’m for real here! Did ya think I was someone else or what?” (Pico makes a gesture with his face) “Don’t worry, this ain’t no Convict behind this body!” (Pico goes for sarcasm) “And even so, it wouldn’t be as good-looking as me, don’tcha think?” (Pico winks again)

(BF laughs at Pico’s mess-a-round, yet is still kind of shocked) “It ain’t that! It’s just…why’d ya come here anyway? Though you’d have your own car and stuff despite…well, y’know”

(Pico shakes his head) “Nah, don’t trust driving at night that much, plus it’s kind of hard to focus on the way cuz, y’know…” (makes a gesture on his head, signing his stature while frowning) “Being this high”

(BF gives him a ‘true bro’ look) “Guess that makes it two of us, eh?”

(Pico offers his fist to BF) “Yep, welcome to the dwarves’ club bro”

(BF brofists Pico) “I was already a member myself, nice to meet another one of the crew”

(Pico chuckles to BF’s response) “Heh, I like your vibe, dude! Say, wanna chat a bit while we wait for the train here?”

(BF nods) “Sure, why not? It ain’t like we’re gonna get startled by any weird clones from outta nowhere, hehe…” (Nervous) “…hopefully”

(Pico pffts) “Even if they do, I’ll just hand them their asses back to where they came from”

Big bruh moment, send help I feel like I don’t understand pico writing and I hate miself fo it, I apologize to the fellow pico fans lord help me-

5. Meeting Newground’s star gunman

“So, what’s your name, bro?”

(BF makes a ‘tip’ with his hat) “BoyFriend, BF or B for shortie, pleasure to meet’cha”

(Pico chuckles) “Boyfriend, huh? Now that’s a peculiar name to give to someone”

“Yeah, although it was more of a ‘funny accident’ when it comes to know why”

“An accident? So you weren’t meant to be named BoyFriend in the first place?”

“Nope. Long story short, the people in charge of my birth certificate or whatever had the name comprehension of a Starbucks employee with a really bad hearing skill, and they ‘telephone-game’-ed the name my parents wanted to give me into well, BoyFriend... And well, here we are!”

“And you don’t have anything against that? Since, well…y’know”

“Nah, honestly it’s not a big deal to me at this point. Heck, even my parents thought it’d be awkward for me back when I was a wee boy, and I didn’t really care that much about it even when I knew what it actually meant. If I did, I’d have changed it a long time ago.” (BF gets smug) “Besides, it’s quite a nice ‘icebreaker’ when you hang out with the ladies” (BF winks at Pico)

(Pico laughs) “Hah, I bet it is!” (Pico gently punches BF on the arm) “Still, gotta admire your resilience on that! Wouldn’t wanna know how it was back at your street when you were around the others, little fellas can be nasty for sure, I’d know”

“Eh, it didn’t really come to it that often, and even if it did, I got my own guns to deal with it” (BF vacillates) “…Figuratively speaking of course, unlike ya, hehe”

(Pico smirks) “Hey, don’t sweat it; guns might do most of the job when stuff takes a turn for the worst, but diplomacy’s way of a better option honestly in more than one sense…unless you go to Nevada. That’s a whole different story”

(BF nods in understanding) “Yeah, can guess why considering the stuff I’ve heard from there”

Bangitty

[sensibledecay]

dear mom, 

i haven’t written you a letter in a really long time, but i feel like there’s just so much to say. this year has been a significant one for me, and that is in large part thanks to you and the changing nature of our relationship. for the first time since i was a kid, i want to call you the minute something good happens. i want to ask you for advice when something scary or difficult comes up. things aren’t perfect, and i still need to learn how to ask for help and how to let go of insecurity, but i finally feel like we’re talking. i think a lot of this shift has been thanks to my aging, which has been scary, i can’t lie. i’m twenty-one, and that feels daunting and intimidating. i am no longer a teenager, though i joke that “i’m just a teenage girl in her twenties!” aging has come with a reckoning for me, especially as a woman. i feel like my youth, and in turn, my coolness and value, are slipping through my fingers. this has come with a renewed sense of fear and a surprising uptick in empathy. i look at you differently now than i once did, especially as i approach the ages when you experienced particular milestones. i’m the same age you were during the war, and that feels horrifying. i can barely handle the daily pressures of feeding myself and cleaning, let alone the seismic pressure of surviving when an entire country of people want you dead. 

i’ve been thinking especially about our relationship as it relates to age. i know things weren’t perfect, but i can finally absorb how young twenty-six really is. you were twenty-six when you got married, which doesn’t sound absurdly young, but to immediately have a child sounds like a terrifying nightmare. i can’t imaging moving across the world and taking the leap to get married, only to immediately have to handle the pressures of motherhood, alone. you were only twenty-seven when i was born. i just took a class with a bunch of twenty-seven-year-olds. these people seemed older than me in that they were more academically advanced, but that’s about it. i can’t imagine a single one of them having a child. 

furthermore, i’ve been mourning my childhood a lot recently. i grew up without kids in the neighborhood, without trees to climb, without block parties or family cookouts, without walking down the road to the store. this isolation was hard for me, and has socially affected me to this day. but, i never really thought about how this isolation would feel to raise children within. you and dad never had friends or family or any support system. i look back at some of our worst moments as mother and daughter, and as a family, and see a girl in her twenties losing her fucking mind because she’s all alone in a house, not even able to drive to the store, probably suffering from ptsd, her family across the globe, and unusually sickly children. you were living a goddamn nightmare. i can’t imagine how it must have felt. sure, i can levy critiques about how you should’ve gone to therapy and taken better care of yourself and built a support system, but it makes total sense why you didn’t do those things at the time. i think if you could do it all again, you might’ve taken those steps. 

all of this is to say, i think i’m finally beginning to get it. you did some crazy shit, and i have my fair share of issues, but god were the cards stacked against you. not to mention you had to do all of this in alabama. dad is a good person, but he can’t understand this the way other women can. and now that i’m a woman, approaching the age you were when you had me, i can’t imagine going through the same thing you did without totally losing my mind yellow wallpaper-style. 

it’s mother’s day, so i won’t blather on anymore about sad things (though that seems to be all i can write about these days, go figure). i really just wanted to say how much i love you, and how grateful i am for where we are now. thank you for listening, and changing, and loving me when i’m a cunt. thank you for sitting through my stupid decisions and mean-spirited rants and for watching me grow. thank you for supporting my writing. i can’t emphasize enough how much that means to me. thank you for teaching me how to be strong. i hope i’ve been able to teach you some things too, even though i’m still learning how to be a person. 

i love being bosnian. i love being a woman. and i love being your daughter, even when it’s been hard. i’m sure i will see things differently again and again as i grow up, but i think we’re on the right track for once. i’m still trying to learn to love myself and believe in myself and feel beautiful and feel valuable, but it really helps that i finally feel like you see me and understand me. womanhood is painful, and difficult, and nuanced. womanhood often leaves me feeling like sisyphus. i’m just pushing the rock of patriarchy up the mountain over and over again. but i feel like you understand what i mean when i talk to you about it.

 i’m watching you come into your own and start to care about your happiness in a way that you never have since i’ve known you, and i’m so proud of you. i’m rooting for you to find things that you’re passionate about and finally have all the fun you sacrificed for so long. you deserve to breathe fresh air and feel calm and happy for once. i hope you can transition into the next phase of your life with happiness and peace, and i hope i can help make that happen for you. i’m still not sure if i’m going to send this to you even as i’m writing it, but either way i hope you know how i feel about you. happy mother’s day or whatever. i hope we can keep becoming friends and that you won’t feel like your identity is limited to just motherhood. you are smart and capable and beautiful and so fucking interesting, so go out there and be greedy for happiness. take all the happiness you can find. that’s what i’m trying to do, and being able to talk to you about it has been so much fun. i hope i can make you proud and that we can keep getting closer and that i can keep writing things you like. i’m so excited to come home and see you and take you out to lunch and give you a hug. i love you, mom. happy mother’s day

ella <3

p.s. sorry this is in all lowercase, this is how i write in my google doc journal

[thoughtsfornobody]

5/12/2023

I wonder when this battle against my body will end, if ever. I am so tired of looking at myself, wondering, poking, pulling, squishing. Wondering if I am really monstrous, or just insecure. I am curved, womanly, full figured- but people make it very clear, I am not fat. What is the difference? How do you know the difference? Why do I have to find the right spot to exist in? I love food, I hate food. I am in one of those moods again, where I want to feel free by eating as little as I can. It’s not as bad as it was- I used to be able to go days on about 500 calories. Now, I am on my feet all day, walking miles, working, lifting, moving.. I try to hover around 1400 and even that is hard sometimes. I’m tired of counting- but if I don’t count, I lose control. If I do count, it’s all I think about. What is it like to just live? I feel so much guilt if I eat, if I don’t eat. I wonder if everyone sees me the same way I see myself. I fear that someday, they will. It feels like a race, to get smaller and smaller, before I lose the ability to control it. I fear when Z leaves for Japan, I will really need to starve. I can’t have too much food in the house, I will be too lonely. I will eat, bored, sad, stressed. I don’t want to eat. I hate saying it out loud, or even writing it, but I want to get so small in a month that people notice. So small that they know something is wrong. I want people to know I need help, but I cannot ask for it. I need to prove it. I imagine the care in his eyes when he comes back and notices I’ve gotten smaller. I hate this feeling. The feeling like you still need somebody to notice, and care, and even save you. You cannot depend on anybody to save you, but it is nice to imagine it sometimes. I love him so much, and sometimes I want to be the best person I can for him. I am not sure if the best version of me is the one that is healthy, curvy, and hungry, or the one that is restrictive, willful, slim, and elegant. I want to lose weight for me, for him, for the wedding. I see pictures of when I was at my sickest, and I envy her. I am mad, that I am healthy again. I am mad that I have lost that. I feel like I am losing control. It’s so easy, on paper, just don’t eat. But, in this world, eating is such a social, caring, intimate act. I love food, I love enjoying things, especially with my people.  I think I will have to designate one day a week as a cheat day when he’s gone. That’s the only way I won’t go crazy. Maybe one day, I will just drink, and eat, and not care. Then, I will go back to caring. It’s hard, because we have so many things in the house thanks to him. I mean that in a great way. He is very caring, and stocks the fridge, the pantry, everywhere, with good food and even little treats. The life I have always wanted, but should not have. He is able to stay skinny in all of it- I can’t. I need to get a grip on this.

[ikubaes]

i don’t know if you’ll ever see this because i don’t know if you visit these blogs the way i do.

i debated not writing this at all for a few weeks because i kept assuming i would eventually feel better like i always do, but maybe the wound is still fresh or i’m still waning back from talking to you every single day since two years ago, even when i was pulling 10 hour work days and coming home exhausted, but still feeling like i owed you some of my time because we were that close.

my days feel so empty without talking all the time and i never realized how much of a space i craved into my life for you until after i decided it was better to stop talking if things were just going to be like that. i guess i always knew we wouldn’t be able to do tomin forever or “playing dolls” like you called it, but it still feels so surreal to me even if they were just a make believe part of my life that i used to escape from my day to day. i can’t tell how many times i’ve teared up just merely thinking about it. i guess it is kinda my fault for still having so much around me that reminds me of you or tomin and stings further that i have to keep it to myself because there isn’t anyone else on the other side. i wonder if it really did get boring and you didn’t like any of the crazy stuff we head cannoned and did. or maybe it was the lack of writing that finally got to you. or maybe you just got bored of me.

i know i was a lot and i acted out a lot. i regret that. i keep crying these days. i don’t know why i’m being such a baby over a decision that i made. i think about what you mean when you said you missed feeling close to me and the wall i unconsciously put up because i was terrified of liking you back out of my own loneliness. i felt like in my head i was protecting you from how elastic my feelings are and all of the interpersonal issues that i have because i felt like you should move on from me and find someone who’s stable and won’t get annoyed with you over things you can’t control. i’m sorry it was hard to be my friend. i’m sorry for all of the work you put in to make me feel comfortable after what happened with us late 2021. i know we never really talked about it in depth because i thought it was premature and somehow we just never talked about it after. i still don’t really know how to feel— i wish i knew how to navigate these things productively without feeling like i’m the most inept person alive. i knew there was a lot to be workshopped on with us all things considered and i thought i was valid for bringing those points up but i recognized it wasn’t in good taste to bring up at that time. i do care about you a lot even now when i cry thinking about everything. i had such a hard time trusting you after how strained i felt during our hell months and i still felt so inferior to you all the time because of it. i wish i wasn’t so insecure. i really do wish i was better a lot. i really wished back then that i was more capable of tackling those problems head on instead of feeling so defeated and torn down. i really hoped i would get to the point especially when i started therapy and i reached out to you about wanting to forgive kian in my head for everything so i can finally start making strides. i don’t know why this is so hard right now. will it always be this hard? is this all one-sided? maybe you don’t care at all and you’re happy i’m finally gone. i really don’t know… i keep dreaming about this too. i breakdown so often because i feel so guilty and i wish i was better so things could’ve been better and we’d still be close as ever, no matter what title we use. i feel bad for even writing this.

i know the sentiment of “just be better” and i know it’s easier said than done since we’ve been told that by the other. i really don’t know what to do. i don’t know why i feel like this. i feel so selfish just venting this out on this blog. i guess i really can’t stand to be where you can’t see me. i really don’t know what to do… i don’t know if there’s anything to do. what should i do? i feel like a kid again in the worst way. i feel needy and ridiculously clingy and sensitive. i don’t know, i don’t know, i don’t know. were we not really that close? is this what i deserve?

i miss you so much. i miss you so much that it makes me feel pathetic. i thought i knew how it felt to hurt before, i thought i knew the true extent of suffering, but somehow this triumphs everything. i miss talking every day and i miss sending you stupid tiktoks and sending the most insane stories or threads we saw and dissecting them like we were neuroscientists creating a cure for depression. i even miss fighting with you because at least i had your full attention. i miss the stupid voice calls we had and you not being able to take me seriously during fights because you knew i sounded like i was fourteen. i think about the fact that your room has the black cat plushie i gifted you just 3 months into knowing you and the cake erasers or the fact that makeup i picked out specifically for you lives in your drawers with the rest of your belongings. i think about how weaved we were into each other’s lives. i think about the stupid raspberry donut. i miss the cat gifs. i miss hunting for every single bunny and cat gif possible to send to you every night when we said goodnight. i miss our routine. i miss sitting in hyperbeam for hours. i miss talking until 4-5am about absolutely everything and nothing with you, especially knowing i had something in the morning, but not caring because i just wanted to talk to you. i miss the little activities we used to do. i miss the time you set aside for me. i miss listening to your horror stories about your sister. i miss giggling about your chronicles with your mom. i miss you telling me about film school or your childhood years and how you ran around roleplaying as sasuke. i wish we got to play more genshin since you really liked it when we role-played ayaka and thoma on there. i miss being silly with you like that. i miss being corny with you. i miss being your friend. i miss being more than a friend with you. i miss being roleplay partners, i miss everyone being on our business during yangcheon days. i even miss our stupid hyejoo and ningning interactions. i just miss being around you. where am i supposed to put all of this?

i’m so overwhelmed by how much i feel right now. i just don’t know what it is to do. my heart hurts. my chest aches. maybe you really don’t care anymore and you don’t think it’s possible to work things out or maybe you are truly happy to be without me. i wouldn’t blame you if you felt that way. i hope this doesn’t come off as guilt trippy because i truly didn’t mean it that way and i know it’s overwhelming because it was overwhelming to even write this. it’s almost 6am and i can’t sleep because i’m stuck feeling like this. that is if you even read this. i really don’t know. i want to ask for another chance, but that feels so incredibly selfish. i really don’t know. i wish i knew. i really do wish i knew.

you asked me back then who you were to me. you’re someone i’ll never forget because of how you made me feel.

i love you. i’m always here if you need me.

[yeschefthankyouchef]

wow i’m early? this is crazy!

this was such a beautiful chapter, and while it hurt like hell it is one of my favorites. you write every word with such intention, and it truly doesn’t go unnoticed. you also continue to handle such heavy themes with a realness and grace that is so incredible. just all around in awe of your talent.

“And then I…I fucked that relationship up myself…uhh and as I sat there trying to think of what provided amusement or joy in my life…I just thought of my childhood spent with her…by my side.”

okay so yeah! once again you’ve found a way to make the heartbreaking scenes of the show hurt just that much more! this is also an impressive feat in that you continue to nail carmys tone (which i can imagine is incredibly difficult) and write lines that flow into the actual script without it feeling disjointed.

“Carmy left the meeting hoping Claire didn’t call the number he gave her, hoping that you would be open to rekindling whatever relationship was left between you two.”

carmy left the meeting with 2 less brain cells than he arrived with if he really thinks that dumb shit isn’t going to come back around

“Chef Luca?”

SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUTTHEFUCKUP!!! i love that you just keep throwing fuel on the jealous carmy fire

“Yeah, he taught me the simple syr-.”

OH MY GOD YES!!! i’m geeking so hard about this right now!!!! you planted the seeds of jealousy for this and now they are starting to sprout and it’s even better than i was anticipating.

“he was now sure more than ever that there was a chance to fix things with you.”

this is so famous last words - sorry carmy you haven’t done enough groveling yet my luv<3

“I can assure you Carmy would not give a single fuck if you touched my breast, Neil.”

and i can assure you that carmy would give many MANY fucks

“I’m not doing this because I want to Baby.” Nat’s voice took on a gravelly tone.”

oof this line hurts for so many reasons - nat is probably living with the same ‘would’ve could’ve shouldve’ that baby is and feels even more pressure to help keep baby clean than she would’ve otherwise. and on the other hand, this has gotta sting for baby too - a brutal reminder of how much her actions are weighing on nat. it’s just a sharp knife for everyone involved.

“If it’s important they’ll leave a voicemail.”

that is a not fun parallel. baby is going to have trauma around vociemails for the rest of eternity.

“Yeah…fuckng bizarre.” You could feel the lump forming in your throat.”

this sucks but also i’m glad it’s blowing up right in front of his face, maybe it’ll actually solidify the lesson he so desperately needs to learn. but also youch!! not baby getting thrown back to her senior year insecurities and wingwoman status.

“You’re too sweet. You know how it is people change, they grow apart. I just think Carmy outgrew me.” It was becoming harder and harder to swallow your tears.”

ugh i love you - the way that she’s speaking to carmy through speaking to claire? iconic and heartbreaking.

“Why are you the way you are?”

this is so serious but i am laughing so hard

“Carmen I have lost pieces of u- of myself to you, Carmen.”

oh shit, so he doesn’t even know about the baby? i’m not even shocked because it’s so on brand, but yikes is their web getting beyond tangled.

“I’m a hypocrite, Rich,” you separated yourself from him, locking eyes. “I blamed Carmy for so much out there…but I’ve done something so unforgivable, I don’t think you’ll look at me the same.”

my mind is feeling with all the possibilities of what happened with the baby. did she not know about the pregnancy and lost it in the overdose or from drug usage? did she lose the pregnancy to miscarriage and then fall into drugs from the combined trauma? did she get an abortion that she’s regretting? there’s so many ways that this could’ve gone down and all of them are equally harrowing. my heart is absolutely breaking for her, she shouldn’t have to carry this guilt - alone nonetheless.

“There were two things in the world Richie didn’t play about, little Eva; and you.”

I LOVE THIS.

“While Richie was crying over the sister he almost lost; you cried over the lives you ruined”

i just, truly have no words. this is so haunting and well written.

“What purpose did he have if he couldn’t even keep his last promise to Mikey?”

don’t even start with me rn

“The journal began as a way for him to express what he felt for you, but as the months went on and the writing became a part of his routine they turned into letters to you he’d never have the guts to send”

this journal might end up being his saving grace.

chapter six | didn’t i do it for you?

masterlist | ↢ previous chapter | next chapter ���

pairing: carmen berzatto x fem!reader | platonic!richie jerimovich x fem!reader | platonic!natalie berzatto x fem!reader | platonic!neil fak x fem!reader

summary: carmy knows exactly what he wants regarding you, but past mistakes always come to rear their ugly heads

warning(s): angst | hurt slight comfort | slight fluff | semi-jealous carmy | mentions of substance abuse | mentions of overdose | mikey | mentions of suicide | implied miscarriage | language | self-destructive behavior | arguments | forced love confessions | carmy’s sad boi hours | actions having consequences | more barby lore | children | no use of y/n | afab reader |

wc: 10.9k

a/n: hi lovies, this chapter may be a bit heavier than previous ones so please take the warnings extra seriously. if you are triggered by any warning please do not read this chapter i’ll literally message you a summary of the chapter if you need it. i may have missed some warnings so if that’s the case i do apologize it was not intentional. lastly please remember YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR OWN MEDIA COSUMPTION….enjoy 🩵

“You know, I-I don’t think my family meant to ruin it or anything like that, you know.”

Carmy was trying to be better, to be more open. And it was easiest at these Al-Anon meetings, no one knew him, and no one had any expectations of him.

“I-I don’t think they did it on purpose,” his hand subconsciously raised to the chain securely tucked under his crew neck, rubbing the metal through the fabric.

“I don-it’s not fair to blame them for everything,” a sardonic huff of laughter escaped Carmy as he thought of the words he was going to say. “I uh…I had a friend once…a best friend.”

“She was the first thing in life that I felt belonged to me,” Carmy frowned, having trouble articulating what he wanted to say. “And not li- I didn’t own her or anything, but she was my friend because she chose to be, not because she knew me through Mikey.”

“And then I…I fucked that relationship up myself…uhh and as I sat there trying to think of what provided amusement or joy in my life…I just thought of my childhood spent with her…by my side.” He cleared his throat forcing himself to remember that he would probably never interact with any of these people outside of these meetings.

Carmy’s hand dropped from its place where his covered chain sat, now gripping the armchair. “She’s uh she’s back in my life now and I…I want those things with her again I…I want to fix things with her, be the person she believes I am.”

Sydney’s curiosity the other day gave Carmy a lot to think about. He was so accustomed to looking at the picture above his stove daily, that he hadn’t even given it a second thought when he invited Sydney over. Her curiosity was understandable, the interactions you and Carmy shared hadn’t been the warmest but that Polaroid would suggest otherwise.

“Yeah. Anyway, I’m happy to be here.” Carmy sat straighter in his chair, if he could admit his wants albeit vaguely to a room of strangers, he could admit his feelings to you. “Thank you, guys. Thanks for letting me share.”

Then he saw you at the grocery store, comfortable in someone else’s arms. He wasn’t jealous, or at least he didn’t think he was. But reality slapped him in the face, so sure of himself that the two of you could pick up where you left off he didn’t stop to think that maybe you didn’t want that anymore.

And then like the idiot he was, he gave Claire your number. He wanted to believe it wasn’t on purpose, that he had memorized your number so well it was the first he thought of when asked.

Carmy left the meeting hoping Claire didn’t call the number he gave her, hoping that you would be open to rekindling whatever relationship was left between you two.

Your morning was off to a great start. Hayden surprised you with breakfast at the office and signed off on your article for The Bear as long as it didn’t get in the way of your work at The Tribune. The two of you even brainstormed the best way to go about telling the story.

Since your late-night grocery run with Hayden, the two of you had fallen back into the friendship you developed all those years ago. It felt good to be reconnected with him, and thankfully things weren’t awkward considering your past sexual history.

Neither of you admitted to it, but you both knew the opportunity to fall back into your old ways would soon present itself, you weren’t sure if it was an option you would take advantage of though. The two of you weren’t in college anymore and as pathetic as it sounded since your vulnerable conversation with Carmy the other day, your heart still held out hope that the two of you could build up the foundation for a romantic relationship.

Rounding the corner of Orleans Street you finally made it to your destination, happy to have taken in the fresh air mid-morning had to offer. You approached the door to the restaurant hoping someone would hear your knock and let you in.

You smiled as Sydney opened the door moving back to allow you in, you reached up to slide your headphones off as you greeted both her and Carmy.

“Good morning, is Nat in?” The text you received on the train ride over from the oldest Berzatto was pushed to the back of your mind until now.

The urgent ‘we need to talk,’ text had worried you at first, but you had rationalized that Nat could’ve been referring to anything.

“Uh yeah, she’s in the office.” You nodded at Syd giving her a small smile in thanks before turning to make your way to the back.

“Oh hey, do you like have a second or…” You stopped in your tracks turning back to face the two chefs looking between them curiously before nodding once more.

You smiled waiting for one of them to speak, “Uh yeah can we make this quick though I need to speak with Nat.” You did your best to sound nonchalant, the longer you stood out here the more your anxiety began to rise, mind racing with what Nat needed to speak with you about.

“Yeah yeah of course,” Sydney stepped away from the door moving near Carmy who had remained silent since your entrance. “We were thinking of sending Marcus to Copenhagen and I know you stayed there, not like in a weird way but because I read your articles you know.”

You nodded your head eyebrows raised as a signal for Sydney to continue. You did your best to ignore Carmy’s stare while Syd rambled on about their idea and how the trip would help to inspire Marcus.

“…So we were wondering if you had any suggestions?” Her raised eyebrows stared back at you.

“Sorry suggestions for what?” The confusion was easily readable on your face, Syd’s excitement at the prospect overwhelmed you.

You watched as the two chefs stared at you, Carmy’s signature blank stare and Syd’s slightly hurt reaction that you weren’t paying attention.

“Oh uh for accommodations…in Copenhagen.”

The question surprised you, eyes darting to Carmy before focusing back on Sydney. You knew Carmen spent time in Copenhagen, so the fact that they were asking you for suggestions seemed a bit redundant.

Albeit stunned by the questions you smiled moving towards where the two of them were sitting, memories of your month spent in Copenhagen playing in your mind like a movie. The trip was months before Mikey’s passing and now as you think about it, it felt like that was the last time you had fun, and lived life without the worry that so often filled you now.

A chuckle left your lips as you leaned against the counter looking from Syd to Carmy, “I uh I stayed with the chef I was profiling.” You bit your lip trying to contain the grin threatening to split your lips, “I still have his number I could call him if you want. He kind of owes me a favor anyway.”

Carmy’s arms fashioned themselves across his chest, a frown pulling at his eyebrows. There was so much he didn’t know about you including the fact that you had spent time in Europe with some mystery chef.

“Oh yeah? What uh-who was the chef you wrote about? Maybe I know him.” Carmy’s words surprised you, the look you exchanged with Sydney proved that he didn't come across as casual as he was trying to.

You raised from your position against the counter, “Chef Luca?” Your voice trailed off a bit before the smile you were trying to contain finally made its appearance, “He’s this amazing pastry chef, who’s so passionate about his craft it was like watching a master at work!”

Carmy watched as you gushed about his former colleague, annoyance clawing at his throat as he took notice of just how happy the memories made you.

“Luca even taught me how to make this crazy dessert he was still perfecting, I mean mine was nothing compared to his but it was honestly the most fun I’d had in so long.” You reminisced about your time spent with Luca, “Oh, and my peach cobbler? Yeah, he taught me the simple syr-.”

“No yeah, I’m familiar with him.” Both you and Sydney were pulled from your animated conversation; the tight smile on Carmy’s face alerted you of his irritation.

You nodded, feeling a little bad at your rambling, “Okay well I’ll just go see Nat now, let me know if you need me to make that call.” You drummed your hands against the counter before turning around to take your leave.

“Hey uh, Baby?” You turned your head before disappearing around the corner eyebrows raised as you looked at Carmy. “Do you think we could maybe talk later?” You watched as his hand came up to scratch the back of his neck.

Sydney watched the interaction play out between the two of you, a small smirk lining her lips as she watched how flustered Carmy got just by asking you a simple question.

Your lips tugged up into a small smile, “Sure thing Carm, I’ll come back when I’m done with Nat.”

Carmy was sure his heart was beating so loud Sydney could hear it, the nickname something he hadn’t heard spilled from your lips in so long. The small smile he briefly caught did wonders for his already lacking confidence, he was now sure more than ever that there was a chance to fix things with you.

You entered the office to see Natalie pouring over documents presumably to do with permits and money in regards to the restaurant. You took a step forward momentarily stopping at Nat’s voice.

“Close and lock the door behind you please,” The lack of eye contact was grating on your nerves, either Natalie was completely stressed about her role as project manager or you had yet again colossally fucked up.

You did as told not wanting to further irritate your very pregnant friend. The office was silent neither of you spoke up as Natalie finished looking over the latest paper she had picked up.

She looked exhausted and you felt horrible knowing you had potentially added more stress onto her already-loaded plate. Nat gave you a small smile though her eyes looked anything but happy.

“Cortez called me this morning,” Nat’s eyebrows raised as she pointedly stared at you. Your head fell back against the door a quiet ‘fuck’ mumbled into the air. “Said this was the third meeting you missed.”

Nat waited for you to return your attention to her, “I’m only going to ask you this once Baby, and I really need you to be honest with me.” Nat leaned forward in the chair, closing a bit of the space between you so you would hear her quiet voice, “Are you using again?”

You sighed leave it to Cortez to fucking snitch you out, you didn’t realize that being a snitch was a requirement if you were someone’s sponsor.

“Baby?” Your eyes connected with Nat’s the softness of her voice and the watery appearance in her eyes told you just how worried she was.

Your head shook back and forth rapidly as you raised your hand to massage your temples, “I’m not using Nat I promise. And I know that means jack shit coming from an addict but I promise I’m doing good.” You took a deep breath calming your budding agitation, you knew Nat was worried and it wasn’t her that you were annoyed at but yourself.

“I uh…I’ve been stuck on step eight since I joined this whole rebranding project, and I…I knew that Cortez would be persistent in me getting it done.” You grimaced at the fact that you had already missed three meetings, you hadn’t realized how far things had gotten, “It’s just things felt normal again and I guess I thought I could just pretend like everything was okay.”

Natalie nodded as she listened to your explanation, she hated it but there was always a part of her that would be apprehensive. She had seen the manipulation substance abuse breeds firsthand when she stayed with you in the hospital after your overdose, it hurt her to see you hurting. To sit back and watch as the withdrawal symptoms ate away at you as you would fiend for a fix that you took your pain out on her and Pete.

Nat quickly turned to where her purse was sitting pulling out a box the two of you were all too familiar with.

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me!” Your face scrunched up in anger, the emotion slowly residing as you watched Nat close her eyes and take a deep breath in. You felt like a complete asshole you knew Nat wasn’t doing this of her own volition and you had no one to blame but yourself for the predicament you were now in.

“Nat shit, I’m sorry you didn’t deserve that. But you really can’t expect me to take that here.” Your hand thrust out to the box that seemed to be taunting you.

“Baby you know the rules. I don’t like this as much anymore than you but when you just decide you don’t need to meet with your sponsor anymore, these are the measures we have to resort to.”

“Lead the way, Mom.” Natalie let out a small chuckle at your antics, thankful that you were being somewhat logical, “Wait is there a bag we can throw this away in, we can’t just leave the evidence in the bathroom.” The two of you turned to search through the office sure you would find a stray plastic bag lying somewhere.

You popped up, a plastic baggie securely in your grasp, “Does the toilet even work?” Nat shrugged, walking past you and making her way to the bathroom leaving you to follow behind.

“Aww yeah, party in the bathroom! Am I invited?” Nat stopped as Fak stood in front of the two of you hastily moving the bag behind her back doing her best to be inconspicuous.

“Sorry my love girls only, maybe next time,” Nat gave Fak a pat on the shoulder and her signature smile before maneuvering the two of you around him.

“Wait, is it that time of the month for us? Cause I think our cycles might be synced, I’ve been having the most insane cramps lately.” The words that left Fak’s mouth would never cease to surprise you.

“You know, I think you might be right Fak, my lower back has been killing me.” You indulged in Fak’s shenanigans, the man falling in line to walk with you as the two of you followed Natalie to the front.

Fak nodded along with you “No I’m like feeling it, should I invest in a heating pad?”

You snickered at Fak, “I usually just fill up a sock with rice and throw it in the microwave.” You shrugged like the conversation was a completely normal occurrence. “The first day is always the worst for me, my breasts get so tender.”

Fak raised his own hands to his chest cupping his pecs “Baby tell me about it, it’s just like one touch and I’m crying.” You could see Carmy’s confused look from your peripheral as your group finally made it to the bathroom.

“I could totally massage your breast Fak, but you would have to return the favor. It's only fair if you’re a part of the sisterhood.” You watched as Fak nodded his head rapidly, hands raising in the air and hovering in front of your breast.

“Wait, is this an actual thing?”

“Oh yeah me and Nat do it all the time, that’s actually why we’re going to the bathroom now.” Fak’s eyes darted to Nat before looking back at his hands inching closer to your breast.

“Wait no, I don’t want Carmy to be mad at me.” The two of you looked in Carmy’s direction, the man still watching just as confused as earlier.

You shrugged before turning back to Fak, “I can assure you Carmy would not give a single fuck if you touched my breast, Neil.”

The aforementioned man took in a gasp of breath before clearing his throat and slowly moving down the counter to get a better listen at what the hell the two of you were doing.

You, Nat, and Carmy waited to see what Fak’s next move would be, the smile raising to your face hard to keep under wraps, Fak was adorably easy to mess with.

Fak’s hands began to inch forward concentration clear as day on his face before a small shriek left his lips, “Baby I’m sorry, Carmy’s my best friend, I don’t think I can do this for you.”

You laughed at the disappointment in Fak’s voice, “Your loss babes, I know 16-year-old Fak would’ve killed for this moment.” Your hand raised to pat his cheek before you finally left his side and entered the bathroom as Nat held the door open for you.

“She was lying to you my love, we don’t massage each other's breasts.” With those last words, Nat shut the door on a disappointed Fak and a mildly annoyed Carmy.

Fak turned back to look at Carmy with an apology in his eyes, “I’m so sorry Carmy, teenage Fak was really fighting to come out right now but I know Baby’s your girl.”

Carmy frowned at Fak’s words, the irritation running through him at yours and Fak’s stupid antics. “She’s uh…she’s not my girl. Baby and I are just friends.”

Fak smiled widely in Carmy’s direction, “That’s great, you really should think about getting a girlfriend then, I just want you to be happy Carmy.” Fak began walking to the back to help move the appliances. Carmy let out a chuckle as he heard Fak mumble about missing his once-in-a-lifetime chance.

Carmy shook his head back and forth, having you back really was just like old times. He wouldn’t ever say anything out loud but Carmy was actually really glad he didn’t have to stand there and watch Fak fondle you.

“Pete said the two of you have a lunch date planned.” Your head shot up to Nat, the air had been a little stilted between the two of you since she had brandished the drug test.

A laugh bubbled out of you, “Doesn’t seem like the proper environment for a casual chat Nat.” You gestured to the dinghy bathroom you were in, emphasizing the urine sample sitting on the sink while the two of you awaited the results.

You watched the smile rise to Natalie’s lips, a somber look overcast on her face, “I’m not doing this because I want to Baby.” Nat’s voice took on a gravelly tone.

Natalie didn’t deserve this, she had already basically nursed you back to health once. And now here she and Pete were about to bring a life into this world, and here you were a grown adult still expecting everyone else to fix your problems. You knew Natalie didn’t need the stress and worry your life choices brought forth and if your overdose wasn’t a wake-up call enough, then Nat’s haggard appearance as you two stood in the bathroom sure was.

“I know and I apologize Nat. Really livin' up to my nickname aren’t I?” Nat chuckled listening to your apology. “There’s no excuse for my behavior. I know what’s expected of me I-”

Your words were cut off by the shrill ringing of your phone. The noise caused the two of you to jolt in the small bathroom. You quickly removed the device from your back pocket, it was a Chicago area code, but you already had everyone you knew here saved in your contacts.

“You gonna answer that?” Your eyes flashed to Nat, her eyebrows raised in question.

You took one last glance at the number trying to place it before clicking the power button and slipping it back into your pocket, “If it’s important they’ll leave a voicemail.”

“Anyway, I shouldn’t constantly depend on you to clean up my messes Nat, I don’t think I’ve been the best friend recently. And it should be you depending on me considering,” you waved your hand over her figure scared that if you spoke the word someone might hear. “I promise to do better Nat, I want to be around to help with the little gremlin.”

Nat raised her hand to wipe the few tears that were falling, making her way over to pull you into an embrace, “These damn hormones make me so emotional.”

You chuckled rubbing up and down Natalie’s back, “You’d be crying even if you weren’t compromised.”

The hug lasted up until the timer on Nat’s phone sounded, signaling the results were ready. The two of you pulled apart, with Nat sending you a reassuring smile.

It didn’t matter if you knew you hadn’t touched any substances since your hospitalization, you would always be nervous when it was time to read off the results. You waited with bated breath as Nat read over the testing stick, you would set up a meeting with Cortez as soon as you got the chance.

The sigh of relief Natalie let out stung you a bit, but you could understand her apprehension it wasn’t easy trusting a recovering addict.

“It’s negative Babes.” A sigh of relief left you.

A wide grin raising to your lips, “I told you so.” Nat rolled her eyes at the sing-song sound of your voice.

The two of you made quick work of cleaning up the bathroom, small talk about your future lunch with Pete floating around as you made sure all evidence was disposed of in the plastic bag.

Carmy watched as Sugar exited the bathroom the same drugstore bag from earlier in her hand. He sent a nod in her direction as she smiled at him before making her leave. Carmy was set to meet up with Syd in 30 minutes but he was hoping to speak with you before he took his leave, unsure if you would still be here later.

He returned his attention to the calendars with the timeline to open, checking off things that had already been taken care of and adding anything he wanted to double-check.

“You free to talk now, Carm?” He turned at the sound of your voice, a shy smile lining his cheeks as he took in the smile on your lips.

“Uh yeah, yeah if you’re free,” You nodded, coming to stand across from Carmy the old counter directly between you two.

Carmy’s eyes took in the sweater you were wearing, similar to the style in his but while his was a nice grey color, yours was a deep green. The familiarity of the crew neck finally dawned on him as he realized it was his crew neck you were wearing, the last time he saw it was the night he left you in his apartment all those months ago expecting to still see you there when he returned home.

It was silent as the two of you stared at each other, a giggle escaped your lips at the lost look on Carmy’s face. “What’d you wanna talk about Carmy?”

Carmy nodded trying to remove the memories from his mind, “I uh…I know I ruined our friendship and…and whatever was left of it.” He paused, eyes falling to the crew neck carefully wrapped around you, the memory of watching you get dressed after the shower you shared swimming around in his head, the extra pictures of the two of you tucked safely into his bedside drawer.

“Carm hey,” he watched as your knuckles knocked against the counter to bring him back to the present time.

“Yeah, I uh I just have a lot I think we should talk about Baby, and maybe the restaurant wasn’t the best place for it.” He reached up to scratch the back of his neck, nerves running haywire.

You nodded a serious look painted on your face, you were sure you knew what Carmen wanted to speak about but you also had secrets of your own you wanted to share with him.

“I…I want us to try and be friends again or at least be cordial with each other…if that’s not too much to ask.” Carmy huffs out a breath of laughter, eyes latching onto your figure in front of him.

He watches as you appear to be thinking, most likely retracing the path of your relationship through the years memories running through your head that he has absolutely no idea exists.

“Carmy, you’ve never not been my friend but a lot of your choices hurt m-.” Your phone rang again echoing off the walls in the front of the restaurant.

You gave Carmy a small smile before removing your phone, the number that’s calling you is the same one that called while you were in the bathroom with Nat earlier. You raise your finger to Carmy, gesturing that you need to take the call.

“Hello.” You wait as the other line stays quiet.

“Baby?”

You frown looking up at Carmy as he watches you hoping your call ends soon, “Uh I’m sorry who is this?”

“Oh, it’s me, uh…Claire. We lived down the street from each other as kids?” A gasp escaped your lips, surprised that she was calling you.

You move the phone from your mouth. Hand moving up to cover it as your eyes find Carmy’s “It’s Claire.” Your whisper takes a moment to register in his ears, too caught up in the bright smile on your face.

“Wow, it's so good to hear from you. Um, I hope I don’t sound rude but how exactly did you get my number?” You watched as Carmy ran a hand across his mouth, eyes wide your name slipped past his lips the dire need to get you off that call racing through him.

You held your finger up to him signaling to give you a moment, too wrapped up in miraculously connecting with an old friend.

“Oh um, this is going to sound weird. I uh…I ran into Carmy the other night at the grocery store and when I asked him for his number…this is the number he gave me.” You listened as Claire spoke, the smile quickly disappearing from your lips as your eyes found Carmy’s alarmed ones.

“Carmen gave you my number?” You watched the regret flash through his eyes.

“Mhm.”

“And claimed it was his?”

“Uh kinda yeah, it’s a bit weird but maybe he was just planning to call you or something.” A small laugh left your lips, if he hadn’t called you since he last saw you, you could bet he had no plans to ever call you.

“Yeah…fuckng bizarre.” You could feel the lump forming in your throat.

“Sorry if this is weird but do you think you could give me his number?” It felt like senior year all over again and you were the bridge between these two souls

An ironic smile rose to your lips as you stared directly at Carmy, the panic glaringly obvious in his eyes because he couldn’t hear Claire’s responses.

“Oh, Claire Bear I’m so sorry I haven’t spoken to Carmy in what’s it been?” You paused your glare on Carmy impenetrable.

“Five years, since high school graduation. I don’t even have his number.” The crack in your voice was evident to all who could hear, Carmy wished he could disappear at that moment.

“Oh no, is everything okay with you two?”

“You’re too sweet. You know how it is people change, they grow apart. I just think Carmy outgrew me.” It was becoming harder and harder to swallow your tears.

“Wow, I’m sorry to hear that Baby. But I heard you're back in Chicago, maybe we can catch up?”

“Claire I’d love that, hey before you go try Fak for Carmy’s number I’ve heard they’re extremely close now, have a great rest of your day!” You listened as Claire said her goodbyes quickly, hanging up and placing your phone back in its designated pocket.

It was silent as you raised your head to the ceiling, a disbelieving laugh escaped your lips as you felt the tears trace down your cheeks. You were getting fucking tired of crying.

“Baby hey, hey let me exp-,” Carmy’s pleas were cut short as both of your eyes shot to his now ringing phone on the counter. Neither of you needed to be a fucking genius to figure out who was ringing Carmy’s line.

“Answer quickly Carmen, your little girlfriend is calling.” You knew it was petty and you shouldn’t be upset with Claire for chasing after what she wanted, but for once you didn’t want to be the one fighting for scraps of Carmy’s affection.

You didn’t want to have to share.

His hand quickly shot out pressing the power button on the side silencing the ringing, taking the extra step and turning it face down as he watched you just stare at it.

“Baby I-,”

“Why are you the way you are?” You were tired of putting Carmy and his feelings ahead of yourself, tired of running yourself ragged to accommodate your feelings for a grown man who was too scared of the truth.

“I-” You took a deep breath to collect your thoughts. “I’m so hurt right now Carmen and I want to be angry, I want to be so fucking angry with you but I’m just hurt and exhausted, and I…I really don’t even want to waste my breath on you right now, but I’ve put up with a lot of your shit and I think I’m just done.” Carmy flinched at the sardonic laugh you let loose.

“It hurts Carmen…it hurts when the person you’ve been truly in love with for most of your life doesn’t even treat you like an option.” You ignored the sharp intake of breath that came from Carmen’s direction, surprised he even had the guts to listen to your rant.

The ringing in his ears along with your broken voice overwhelmed him.

“I have lived so much of my life for you and yeah I was stupid for that, but all I wanted was your happiness and all I wanted was happiness with you. I have given so much of myself to you Carmen I have lost pieces of u- of myself to you, Carmen.” The tears were raining down in full force.

It was one thing to cry when you were hurt but to cry out of anger and exhaustion would probably always be the worst feeling.

“All I wanted was for you to love me the way I loved you…the way I will continue loving you after today because the way I feel for you won’t just go away Carmen it will be stuck with me forever! What I lost to you will be stuck with me forever! And…and we spend this amazing weekend together and I accept that you can’t commit to me and I give you the benefit of the doubt because Mikey just died and you…fuck.” Your hand slammed against the counter top your thoughts all over the place.

“You take my number that you’ve had for a year and you give it to some girl that you had some stupid pathetic high school fucking crush on. I’m not even worth a fucking phone call to you Carmen! And I…I’m not even supposed to be here right now but you wouldn’t fucking know because your too much of a fucking coward to allow yourself to be loved to be happy!”

You could feel the oncoming migraine from how loud you were shouting, you did your best to ignore the gathering crowd, Nat and Richie at the forefront watching with worried glances, as Marcus Fak and the rest of the crew peaked through from the back.

A shuddering breath floated through your lips as you felt the lifetime of exhaustion catch up with you. “I almost gave you all of me Carmen. Please just leave me alone” The words escaped your throat in a hoarse whisper. You were so far gone that you couldn’t even see the look of heartbreak and despair marring Carmen’s features.

“Baby, hey!” Your eyes shot to Richie as he blocked your line of vision to Carmen's. Head shaking back and forth arms slowly reaching out before coming to rest on your biceps thumbs gently massaging into them. “Let’s take a break Baby calm down a bit yeah?” He nodded his head waiting for you to nod along before he led you to the back, making sure to block your view of Carmen.

You were shaking as the two of you made your way past Nat a whispered ‘I’m sorry’ leaving your lips as she was left to deal with the mess that was Carmy.

“Fuck!” The loud crashes of a heavy object slamming into the floor caused you to jump in Richie’s hold as he led you back into the office.

Little tremors shook through your body as Richie carefully guided you to sit in the lone office chair. Taking his position by your legs as he squatted in front of you, worry etched into his features at having never seen you react like that.

Your hands came to grip Richie's, the tear tracks on your face now dried, you were almost positive you had run out of tears to cry.

“I lost everything, Richie,” your voice was strained. “And I…I spared him because I knew he couldn’t handle it, you knew he couldn’t handle it…not after Mikey.”

Richie’s eyes squeezed closed as he raised your intertwined hands to his forehead, haunting memories of you forcing their way through. He dropped your hands delicately cupping your face to press a kiss on your forehead, “I know Baby.” The words were spoken softly against your skin.

The two of you sat in that position as you gained control of your ragged breathing.

“I’m a hypocrite, Rich,” you separated yourself from him, locking eyes. “I blamed Carmy for so much out there…but I’ve done something so unforgivable, I don’t think you’ll look at me the same.” You wanted to cry but the exhaustion ate away at you.

“Hey I’ve been through some shit Baby, we’ve been through some shit, nothing,” the firm grip on your chin reminded you of the lost soul who should’ve been in the room with you two. “Look at me when I’m talking to you. Nothing you say will change how I look at you.”

It was always weird to see Richie serious and the voice of reason, not that he didn’t have his moments, but seeing Rich without his signature smile made it feel like you had stripped him of something so personal.

“How bout this, Sug or I take you before you beat Carmy’s ass,” the sentence drew a small laugh out of you. “And then I’ll come over when I’m done here, pick up some dinner and we’ll have one of those nights like we used to when…when Mikey was still here.” You nodded your head not having enough energy to produce words.

Richie patted your knee rising to his full height as he headed to check on Sug and his idiot of a fucking cousin. “Oh hey, I’ll have Eva tonight, you don’t mind do you? She’s constantly on my ass about seeing her auntie Bebe.” Richie stood in the now open doorway awaiting your answer.

Your immediate response was yes, but you had to consider Tiff, unsure if she wanted her daughter around you considering your newly acquired title as recovering addict.

“I’d like that a lot, but I-I think you should get Tiff’s permission to bring Eva around me.” You knew your suggestion might upset Richie but it was for the best, and you would call Tiff yourself just to double-check.

“Hey no none of that shit, she’s my fucking kid too Baby.” The defensive tone in his voice immediately caused you to close your eyes, hands moving to massage your temples.

“Richie please, I just need you to do this for me okay? This isn’t about your parenting skills, Rich.” Richie watched you for a minute, the exhaustion noticeable.

He nodded sending you one last somber look before making his exit keen on chewing his little fucking asshole cousin a new one.

Richie could feel his anger rising in him as he walked past Marcus and Fak as they worked to remove appliances from the kitchen. He quickly sauntered toward the whispers of Sugar and Carmy becoming clearer as he finally made it to the front of the restaurant.

The first thing his eyes took notice of was the destroyed cash register lying in the middle of the floor, debris from the relic scattered across the room. Richie stood there taking in the scene, the two Berzatto siblings' conversation coming to a halt as Richie blew out a whistle, walking around the mess slowly clapping.

“You’re a real fucking piece of work Cousin,” Richie’s hand shot out to point in Carmy’s direction the younger man looking disheveled, the frown on his face almost comical.

Natalie felt her shoulders tense; she had known these two long enough to know nothing good would come out of this interaction. The fact that you were in the middle of all this would make whatever happened right now all the worse.

There were two things in the world Richie didn’t play about, little Eva; and you.

“Richie I don’t need your fucking bullshit right now.” Carmy moved to walk around the counter, hands fumbling in his pocket to get his cigarettes out, his focus on the door he was trying to escape through.

“You’re a piece of shit cousin.” Richie’s hands shot out to grip the collar of Carmy’s crew neck, shoving him into the counter.

Natalie’s shocked gasp of Richie’s name did nothing to tear the men away from each other.

“Get the fuck outta my face, Richie.” The shorter man shoved the man standing in front of him.

A rueful smile raised to Richie’s lips “That girl has bent over backward for your conceited ass time and time again, and you go and ruin the only good fucking thing you have going for yourself.” Richie’s hand raised thumb and middle finger moving to flick Carmy between the brows.

“You’re the last person that gets to talk to me about fucking ruining good things in my life.” Carmy’s free hand moved to swat at Richie’s.

“That empty fucking head of yours is so far up your ass you can’t see what the fucks been in front of you this whole time.

“Yo fuck you, Richie!”

The two loud voices echoed throughout the restaurant as the angry men tried to outyell each other.

“No you fucking listen to me! You don’t know what the fuck that girls been through. Where the fuck were you when shit went down Carmen! Huh!” Richie shoved Carmy again, the anger he felt for you pouring through him.

“Why the fuck weren’t you there for her whe-.”

“Richie!” Natalie’s stern voice caused Richie to harness some of his anger. “No.” The subtle shake of her head stopped his sentence mid-thought.

“You’re worse than the shit on the bottom of my shoe, and you don’t deserve to touch one pretty little hair on that girl’s head. And if I ever have to listen to her cry over you, watch her hurt over you again, you’re gonna wish Mikey was still here to save your ass.” Richie’s hand shot out to slap against the side of Carmen’s head, “Fucking bum.”

He removed himself from Carmy’s space, hands immediately raising as he faced Nat’s exhausted stare. “Sug I’m sorry, but get Baby home will you? I gotta finish up shit round here.”

Richie left the two Berzatto siblings to stand in the now quiet front of the restaurant, the sooner he finished his shit here, the sooner he and Eva could spend the evening with you.

Natalie looked at her younger brother scared of how this sequence of events would affect him. She took a step forward hand reaching out to Carmy before dropping it, “Hey, you okay?” The two siblings stood in silence, one worried about the well-being of her remaining brother.

And the other was trying to collect his racing thoughts, too many zooming through for him to even land on one.

“Where are we with the permits?” To Carmy’s ears, it sounded like he was underwater, his voice muffled, barely loud enough to be heard.

“Carm-.” Nat’s words were cut off with no chance of consoling him.

“Just get her home Nat and get back to me on those permits please.” Natalie watched as Carmy collected his phone and jacket, an unfocused wave of his hand sent in her direction before making his way through the exit, disappearing to who knows where.

Natalie watched as the front door latched shut, she couldn’t help but feel guilty for pushing you into this environment. If she had just let you re-acclimate yourself on your own time, maybe this situation could’ve been avoided.

Her hand fell to her stomach, eyes following suit, “Welcome to the family little one.”

The sound of your doorbell constantly ringing tore your stare away from the bottle sitting on your coffee table. You sat still for a minute before remembering the plans you made with Richie earlier in the day, your eyes shooting to the bottle before you quickly moved to hide it behind one of the couch pillows.

Since Natalie dropped you off earlier you had gone back and forth with the idea of finally coming clean to Richie. Your decision was led by your emotions from earlier in the day, but after finding the bottle of champagne you received in The Tribune’s welcome basket shoved in the back of your pantry, you were sorely rethinking your decision.

You adjusted the pillow to disguise any misshapen lumps before hurrying to the door to greet your guest. Hoping the forced smile was enough you opened the door feeling the once-fake smile begin to settle into a genuine one as you took in the father-daughter duo on your porch.

“Auntie Bebe!” You laughed, a lump forming in your throat at how big the young girl seemed to have gotten.

“Little E is that you?” Eva giggled at the exaggerated gasp you let out before throwing herself against your legs squeezing you tight.

She unlatched herself from you before gripping your hand and moving into the house, “Daddy bought us pizza!”

“Hey, Eva take your shoes off.” Richie gave you a small smile as he scolded the little girl, her huff of annoyance not going unnoticed by the two of you.

Richie finally walked through the door shutting and locking it behind him staring at you as he waited for instructions, “Hey E go ahead to the living room and pick out something to watch okay? I’m gonna help your dad real quick.”

You were rewarded with her adorable smile as she ran in the direction you pointed her to. You turned back to Richie taking the two pizza boxes from his hand to allow him to remove his shoes and jacket.

The two of you made your way to the kitchen setting the boxes down on your island with a clear view of Eva scrolling through your tv. You maneuvered around the kitchen for plates before brandishing them to Richie, eyes caught on Eva’s small figure in your living room.

“She’s gotten so big,” the tears you thought had run out earlier were once again making their appearance.

Richie’s head turned to you, “Aww Baby look at you ready to cry and shit, you just saw her a year ago.”

You listened to Richie’s intoxicating laugh, trying your best to find the humor in his words. The notion was hard though when the last memory you could’ve had of the sweet little girl waiting for the two of you in the living room was holding her at a funeral that could have just as easily been yours.

“You coming Baby?” Richie’s raised brows were aimed at you, he had already made his way to the living room setting the smaller plate in front of Eva.

You cleared your throat nodding your head with a forced smile on your lips. It was settled, Richie had every right to know that there could have been a universe where he had to survive without Mikey and you.

Eva was cuddled into your side as your fingers stoked through her blonde locks, her smaller hand playing with the rings on your free hand. The two of you sat staring at the paused episode of ‘The Dragon Prince’ waiting for Richie to return from the bathroom.

Sitting with Eva in your living room made your heart heavy with what could’ve been. A small sad smile traced your lips as you leaned forward to plant a soft kiss on the crown of her head.

Eva’s head turned to yours, her tongue poking out at you as you returned the gesture, the two of you going back and forth making silly faces at each other before she released a small yawn. You watched as her small hand rose to gently run her little fingers across the scars on your face.

“Auntie Bebe?” You made a small noise to let her know you were listening. “Are you going to die?”

Your brows pinched together, Eva’s hand prodded at the scar between your eyebrows that was now more prominent, “Hey hey, where is this coming from?”

Her hand lowered to her lap as she turned her attention back to your ring-clad hand. “Mommy said you were sick…like Uncle Mikey…and that you tried to be with him.”

The ache in your chest was instant, you knew Tiff had tried to explain why you hadn’t visited but you didn’t know Eva had such an understanding of everything.

She raised your hand so it was in front of the two of you, little fingers dancing across yours, “And Uncle Mikey left us 'cause he was sick and I don’t want you to leave to Bebe.”

“Little E, look at me,” you waited as she adjusted next to you small body, cuddling into you more as her face turned to you. “I was sick…just like Uncle Mikey, but I’m doing a lot better now. And I got hurt, that’s why I have these scars on my face but a lot of good people helped me, like Auntie Nat, and even your mom.”

You stopped allowing the child to digest your words, you were trying to explain things in the simplest terms, and the small girl next to you didn’t need to know any of the details. “As much as I miss Uncle Mikey I could never leave behind my Little E.”

Eva shrieked as you moved forward to tickle her doing your best to make a very tough conversation end on a light note for the sweet little girl who brought joy to your world.

“How about some ice cream, yeah?” You watched as the small girl nodded up and down excitedly, her arms coming up to wrap around your neck as she planted a small kiss on your cheek.

“I missed you, Auntie Bebe.”

Your hand reached out to ruffle the girl's hair, “I missed you too Little E.” She removed herself from around you laying across the empty couch cushions.

You let out a little laugh before grabbing the empty plates and moving to the kitchen to get Eva her ice cream. You jumped at the sight of Richie leaning against the island in your kitchen arms crossed against his chest.

“Why are you standing in my kitchen like a fucking weirdo Richie,” you laughed moving to place the plates in the sink before grabbing a bowl for the ice cream. “Eva’s okay to have ice cream right, I know it's a little late bu-”

“What the hell was Eva talking about Baby,” you looked over your shoulder Richie’s stern eyes focused on you eyes piercing through you as opposed to at you.

You sat the bowl and ice cream on the island before searching for your ice cream scooper, the silence droning on as you began scooping out ice cream for Eva.

“I fucked up Richie,” you finally looked up to Richie eyes wet with tears as you watched him tightly shut his eyes and begin shaking his head back and forth. Not prepared for what he was about to hear.

You quickly finished with ice cream, returning everything to its location and dropping the scoop in the sink before grabbing a spoon. You made your way to Eva sending her a small smile as you handed the bowl to her, “I need to talk to your daddy okay? Go ahead and finish watching without us mamas.” Your words went in one ear and out the other, her attention fully on the treat in her hands. You gave her one last smile before braving yourself for what the kitchen had in store for you.

“I uh…I was in a bad place after Chicago we had just buried Mikey and then…the hospital happened,” you stopped taking a deep breath to get through this conversation. “I should’ve come home Richie I-.” You couldn’t get the words out your throat felt like it was constricting. It felt as though if you tried confessing you would choke on the words before you could even come clean to Richie.

Richie sat next to you at your small circular dining table chair turned towards you, eyes flicking to Eva’s figure every few seconds to make sure she was okay. Richie wasn’t even sure he wanted you to continue, but a huge part of him needed to know what you went through, he thought he had already seen you at your lowest point but the gravity of your words assured him that was nothing compared to the confession you were about to lay at his feet.

“I overdosed Rich.” Richie froze having thought he hadn’t heard you correctly for a second but as he watched the despair take over your face, he knew he heard you right.

His hand came up to wipe across his mouth, the reality of your words barely setting in. “Baby no, no, no, no.” The laugh that accompanied his words morphed into a silent sob as he tucked his head into his hands.

You swallowed your cry fighting to escape as you turned to make sure Eva was still okay, a reprieve from the hard conversation you were having.

You moved from your chair standing in front of Richie so you could console him, his arms wrapped around your waist as his head settled against your stomach, the shaking of his body proof to you that cries were still wracking his body.

The silent sobs turned into quiet cries, his hands gripping the extra fabric of your shirt at the waist. Your tears could no longer be held back bending at the waist you rested your forehead against the back of Richie’s head.

While Richie was crying over the sister he almost lost; you cried over the lives you ruined.

“Auntie Bebe I finished my ice cream!” You took in a deep breath against Richie’s head moving your own from its previous position.

You moved to step out of Richie’s grip, his hands tightening around your shirt tears seeping through to dampen your skin. “I gotta help E, I promise I’ll be back Richie.”

The breath you took in choked you as you had to pry Richie’s clenched fingers out of the fabric of your shirt. You quickly wiped your cheeks before making your way over to Eva grabbing the bowl from her hands and sending her a forced smile.

“Can I spend the night Bebe?” The hope in her eyes made your chest heave.

“How about I call your mom tomorrow and we arrange something for another time, is that okay with you?” Your hands brushed across her forehead, clearing the hair from her face.

She pouted, sinking into the couch cushion, “E, hey you can come visit me whenever, but tonight just isn’t a good night for a sleepover.”

You watched as her eyes began to water, “But what if you try to leave again?” You hadn’t realized how intuitive children could be at times, you bent down to make yourself eye level with Eva.

“Listen, mamas, I’m just a phone call away okay? Anytime you’re scared I might be gone just ask your mom or dad to call me and I’ll answer every time, I promise.” Everyone knew making promises to children was a slippery slope, but you intended on keeping this promise with every ounce of your being, it was time for you to start taking some responsibility.

Eva nodded her head throwing her little arms around your neck and gracing you with a hug you weren’t aware you needed. You gave a small kiss to her temple before pulling away and setting the empty bowl on your coffee table.

“How about you lay down okay? Your dad and I might be awhile,” She nodded, moving and leaning against the pillow, her sudden weight revealing the champagne bottle you had hidden behind it, you quickly covered her with the throw blanket on your couch before picking up the bowl and bottle and making your way back to the kitchen.

You gently placed the bowl in the sink before making your way over to Richie whose head was still in his hands. His eyes found yours as he heard you take your seat, before skating across the unopened bottle you had set between the two of you.

“I’ve been sober for five months now,” watching Richie’s bloodshot eyes slowly blink at you as he drank your every word in felt like a knife being continuously shoved through your chest. “No drugs, no alcohol.” Your voice trailed off, this was the first time you had admitted your shortcomings by choice.

“Ho-How’d it happen?” Your eyes focused on Richie’s Adam’s apple as it bobbed up and down, his face pinching together like asking that simple question was equivalent to swallowing glass.

“I uh don’t know the full story, just what the doctors told Nat and me,” you could see the hurt on his face that Nat was already privy to the information. “I didn’t tell her by choice, uh after my mom died my family kind of distanced themselves from me and so N-Nat became my power of attorney.”

He nodded his head, unfocused eyes floating around your kitchen, “Can you tell me?”

A tired sigh left you “Rich I don’t thi-,”

“I need to know Baby, please.” His hand shot out to grip yours, desperation you had never before seen seeping from his eyes.

You cleared your throat taking in a deep breath, “When I left Chicago, I just felt so…alone. It was like everywhere I looked there was either a reminder of Mikey or a reminder of…of what we lost.” Richie’s free hand returned to swipe across his mouth, eyes everywhere but you.

“The pills were prescription I…I can’t remember when I started taking them or when the dependency started but I-I know the alcohol started first. I deluded myself into thinking that I could do what Mikey couldn't…that I could numb the pain and function at the same time.

“It was like that for a while and then it just gradually got worse until I ended up hospitalized with no recollection of how I even got there and…and Natalie just crying and staring at me and the thing is I had heard those cries from her once before.” The same cries you listened to as she revealed Mikey’s fate to you.

“Um, the story is that I had been mixing drugs and alcohol which yeah I was. But that day I guess it finally went too far, for some reason I was trying to get to my patio and I guess I couldn’t figure out the door, I just…repeatedly threw myself into the glass until it shattered.” Your free hand moved unconsciously to pick at the scar lining the right side of your jaw, Richie’s hand quickly snatching it away urging you to continue your story.

“Wasn’t done yet though was I,” you looked at Richie expecting a chuckle out of him but the stoic look in his eyes told you he wasn’t in the mood for half-baked jokes. “I took two more pills and stumbled bloody through my apartment before making it out of my door and collapsing in a pool of my blood and vomit. A neighbor found me and called the ambulance.” You were glad you had no recollections of what would’ve been your final moments.

The silence in the kitchen was heavy, the words you had shared between the two of you more than anything Richie could have ever prepared himself for.

“Baby why…why didn’t you call me?” Richie’s hand covered his mouth in a fist as another cry escaped his lips wide teary eyes finally focused on yours.

“I didn’t want you to be disappointed in me.” Richie could feel his heart breaking as he listened to the crack in your voice as you spoke, you had been so scared to disappoint him that you had hidden a part of yourself for him for so long.

“How long have you been in Chicago? You avoided Richie’s gaze, not brave enough to see the look of hurt and betrayal.

“I spent a month in Wisconsin at a treatment facility, I’ve been in Chicago since December.”

“And Tiff knew about this?”

“Yeah…uh she kind of forced it out of Natalie, I guess Eva kept asking about me.” You watched as Richie’s head slowly nodded as he carefully let your words play in his head.

Richie leaned forward in his chair, elbows coming to rest on his knees as his clasped hands rested against his mouth.

“I’m not disappointed in you Baby,” Richie’s eyes rose to yours. “But I’m real fuckin hurt and the shit you just laid on me was a lot to take in but I…I want to understand and I want to be here for you.”

The tears that had subsided were now back pouring down your face in droves, “I’m so sorry Richie, I didn’t mean for any of this to happen. But I promise you I’m trying to be better, I will be better. I don’t think I'll get another shot at this after this one.”

Richie stood from his chair pulling you up with him, immediately tugging you into his chest hugging you tightly under the ambient kitchen lighting. He knew his hugs would never match up to Mikey’s, that his role in your life would never compare to Mikey's. But he loved you so much and learning that you had fallen victim to the same poison as Mikey made him feel like an utter failure.

Richie tilted his head down planting a kiss on the crown of your head, the saltiness of his tears passing over his lips.

What purpose did he have if he couldn’t even keep his last promise to Mikey?

Carmen’s day had come to an end hours ago but he just couldn’t get himself to fall asleep, all the words you had said to him playing over and over again in his head.

He had been so caught up in your argument that he blew his food-hopping plans off with Syd, and couldn’t even get himself to return any of the many missed phone calls he received from the number he knew to be Claire’s

Not that he even wanted to but he felt the girl deserved a proper explanation.

After leaving the restaurant and wandering the Chicago streets he found himself back where his life seemed to begin and end. Pouring what was left of him into helping the rest of the crew start the gut on the restaurant. He wasn’t proud that he let his emotions regarding your situation get the best of him, leading to an unnecessary and petty argument with Sydney. But he knew the two of them would work their issues out.

He couldn’t be sure that the same could be said for the two of you though.

The journal he had started a year ago sat open in his lap, the Polaroid he used to keep his place gently rested on his bedside table, the small lamp illuminated the two of you staring at each other eyes full of love as you wore matching smiles.

A teardrop landed on the ink-stained pages of his journal. The words he wanted to say to you easily poured out of him when he sat down to write to you. The journal began as a way for him to express what he felt for you, but as the months went on and the writing became a part of his routine they turned into letters to you he’d never have the guts to send.

His hand came up to swipe across his face before reaching for the pristine Polaroid and neatly tucking it between the designated pages. The journal was then safely placed in his bedside drawer. He knew he needed to give you space, he just wasn’t sure if there had ever been a future written in the stars for the two of you.

Picking up his phone he opened it to your newly saved contact, the need to hear your voice spilling more tears from his eyes. Your voice rang through his head as he thought about your words from earlier, Carmy couldn’t lie, he knew you loved him and had known for a while but hearing you say it aloud had finally awoken that part in him that would allow himself the pleasure of loving you back.

He couldn’t do it, couldn’t get himself to call you. A sob ripped through him as he locked his phone and set it down, the hope he had earlier to work things out with you was now gone, and he had no one left to blame but himself.

Carmy laid back in bed, eyes blankly staring at the ceiling, one arm bent at a right angle to support his head. He had really and truly ruined whatever relationship was left between you two.

Carmy’s hand dipped into the collar of his tank top, gripping the small pendant he found dangling from his chain after returning home from his shift the night you made your departure from his New York apartment.

His fingers had gotten used to tracing over the initial of your first name that he proudly wore around his neck. The closest thing he even had to you now.

Carmy’s eyes watered as he raised the initial pendant to his lips, a lingering kiss pressed into it, and a whispered “I love you,” filtered through the quiet of his room.

tag list: @saturnheart @r0s3mm @wheredidmycrowngo @hawkins-2000 @elliesbabygirl @allbark-no-bite @anakinswh0re3005 @thecraziestcrayon @fruitcupsworld @nishinoyahhh @lilylovelyxo @ridingthehotmessexpress @noas-ark @jadeittic @hellokittyever @luvr-bunnyy @sxgees @kravitzwhore @chanluuvr @readingwiththereids @chims-kookies @ladygrey03 @ferida-kahlo @wanderlustnightwanderer @how2besalty @armydrcamers @jointherebellion215 @blkbxrbie-esther @ajordan2020 @head-slut-in-charge @magnet-girl @thebookwormlife @sevikasblackgf @writers-hes @senassn @bunnysthngs @gabbycoady13 @randomhoex @mattmurdocksstarlight @shinebright2000 @royalestrellas @jam1esl0v4 @globetrotter28 @dankfarrick29 @flowersgirl02 @beingalive1 @fairytale07 @smoooore @ghost-timelord @xxxstormyninixxx

so i’ve reached the limit of people i can mention in a single post, i apologize if you asked to be tagged and were left off it was not intentional. i’m gonna figure something out to try and fix this…sorry : (

[kittidot]

I’ve been fighting through some killer writer’s block but finally…the next chapter of my soldier boy Lovelink fic is up…as usual you can choose Albert or Jonathan. I hope you enjoy it if you read it.

[burningrebelsworld]

Confessions of Scorpio moon 🌙

I am ashamed of myself for doing everything I possibly could do to make you stay. To make you love me. To fight for your attention. Even in those weak moments when I knew that I deserved so much better than a lost soul who didn’t acknowledge how many hearts they were breaking. I knew exactly how cruel and selfish you were. And yet, I decided to stay. I don’t know why. Cause I never believed I could have you. The closest I could get to being a part of your life was by being your punching bag, or a friend you’d text whenever you were bored. I became the entertainment you needed in your life, but to me, you always were a star shining so bright in the sky, I wouldn’t mind freezing to death if it meant I could gaze at you all night. Little did I know, there were many more eyeing you. I probably was the last person in your priority list. Or maybe not that either. I don’t want to know the answer, I think it’ll break my heart. I try to sound rational, but I really let you break my heart a hundred times, did I not? Well, atleast there’s nothing left that can be broken anymore. I think about you so much, it’s crazy how I can’t get a grip on my fucking self. I wonder if you miss me. I know it’s so strange to think about you. I have so many questions to ask, but I’m not sure if my heart wants to know the answers anymore. I tear up whenever I think about you, rather about the love I had for you. I wish I could be a part of your life and didn’t just fade away. I was barely in the background anyway. I know I’ve acted in ugly ways and I hate how low I had stooped to get you to notice me, to pay attention to me and to give me some of your affection. I never understood what I lacked. Did I lack something? I remember you calling me mean and irritating. I have tried my best to overcome those in the last two years. I don’t know why I cared so much about your opinion of me. I remember you calling me problematic. Was I really problematic? Did you know how insecure I felt everytime you spoke about a new fling, or a new crush? I wouldn’t share you even with a fictional character. That’s probably my insecurity speaking but yeah. I don’t get to read your poems anymore. I wish I did. You have the gift of gab. Do you still write poetry? How have you been lately? I don’t want to make any small talk. I miss our deep conversations. I hope you’ve been able to heal. The idea of letting you go still scares me. But I’ve understood through therapy that letting me go is scarier. I wish we didn’t drift apart. I guess, we weren’t meant to be anyway. I cherish everything we had. I am trying to master detachment. Are you holding onto me tightly too? Cause there’s a reason I’m unable to let you go. I will though. Cause you’re gone. I don’t know if we’ll ever meet again. I don’t know if I want to. I don’t know anything. Why has loving you been such a painful experience even though you are so lovable? I hope no one’s hurt you when I was not around. Please protect your heart. You are precious. You deserve to heal. I wish healing onto you. I hope your inner child feels safe with you. If you have landed a job in these past few years, I want to congratulate you. I knew you were built for great things. And oh hey, belated happy birthday to you. I hope you had a blast. I am happy for you. I hope you continue to do amazing things in the future. Lastly, I hope you find the courage to be yourself. Know that you are loved. And ummm….. missed. Yeah, that’s it. Bye.

[sopejinsunflower]

a/n: I had this idea while entertaining the thought of writing a fic as a bunch of letters instead of the usual narration. But since I’m focused on writing Eidolons now, I decided to change it up a bit. For those who read all of my individual member’s one shot, you will know that none of them had any resolution. So here is a sort of closure to those one shots, written in the form of letters. I put it under OT7 because, well, technically they are? So before you read this one, I suggest you read the one shots first or these won’t make sense lol

Summary: The members wrote a letter to you in regards to their individual stories on my one shots. Unedited

Tags: AU! Short imagines, angsty, fluff

Pairing: Namjoon x you, Jin x you, Yoongi x you, Hoseok x you, Jimin x you, Taehyung x you, Jungkook x you

Namjoon

My dearest y/n,

I know you don’t want to hear it (or read it) but I just feel like I need to let you know you were the love of my life, the light of my soul and the missing piece to my puzzle. You were everything to me and I fucked that up. 

I threw away the one thing I’ve been looking to find, destroyed the one good thing I ever had in my life to chase a glimmer that I thought was gold. But it wasn’t and losing you was a true wake up call. I was greedy and selfish, blinded by my own ego and insecurity to properly come to terms with my own indiscretion. I hurt you the way I promised myself to never do. I broke my wedding vow to you. Nothing I say or do can ever mend this.

To be honest, losing you is a fear that has always been there at the edge of my mind since the day I met you. You were so perfect, so beautiful, so charming I was melted butter in your hands. I fell in love with you faster than I can say “That’s crazy!” but I did, baby. I did. I saw our future together, the life I wanted to have with you, growing old with you. I could see the kids we would have, running around the house, little pitter patter of feet that I would miss when I have to go on my work trips. 

How stupid I was to have done what I did. I was weak and pathetic and gave in to lust and my alcohol-clouded mind. But she didn't mean anything, just a one time thing. Those two weeks put me through hell, wondering how to even come clean. I felt so guilty. What was even worse was the fact that my insecurity caused me to question if you in turn. I couldn’t deal with the blunder I made and had somehow wishfully thought that maybe you had done the same, that way the blame could be shifted. All those times I left you home alone for weeks on end, all those times I couldn’t be there for you.

It was unfair of me to go after your longtime friendship with Min Yoongi. I should’ve known better. I don’t know. I don’t know what was going through my head then. I wish I could take it all back! I wish I could go back in time and make everything okay again. But this is another wishful thinking. 

I miss you so much. The emptiness I feel grows too large for anything else to fill my heart. Any other new partners were just bed warmers; they’re not you. No one can ever be you. No one can ever take your place. And I think it’s fine like this. I’m better off alone. 

I saw a picture of our daughter on Yoongi’s Instagram. She’s gorgeous, just like her mother. I spent the whole night crying on the bathroom floor when I saw that photo. God, what have I done? My family. I broke us up before it even began. You must wonder why I don’t reach out, why I don’t want to see her, why I refuse custody. I’m ashamed, y/n. I’m ashamed of the things I did and I don’t want our daughter to have such a scum of a father. Don’t worry about child support, that will always come. It’s my new vow to you. I’ve set up a trust fund for her that should take care of her long after I’m gone. 

   Yoongi is a good uncle, I can tell. She seems to adore him. He’s a great father figure and it’s all she would ever need. I’m sorry for everything; the pain, the heartache, the betrayal. I can’t say it enough. But I can see that you’re happy now, happier without me. And it’s my only source of happiness, too. You deserve more, baby. You deserve everything I couldn’t give to you and everything that I took away from you.

I wish you nothing but the best and I hope you forgive me. I love you, y/n. I still do even after all these years. I don’t think I will ever stop and it’s the one thing I’ll take to my grave. 

Always and forever yours,

Namjoon.

Note: He never sent this letter, buried somewhere in the drawer of his home office. He had wanted to, even had it stamped. But he thought he had done enough damage. The letter is merely what he wishes he could have said to you.

Jin

To y/n,

I’m a piece of shit, I know. I’ve been told. Many times. But I’m a hot piece of shit. Okay, not funny. 

I’m writing this letter because I think you blocked me? And seems like you’ve moved, too. The new address your building manager gave me looks like a really nice house. Did you get married? If yes, congratulations. You’re a great girl, I’m sure you found someone just as amazing.

Look, I’m writing this to just apologise for what I did. It was a shitty thing to do, careless and selfish. In my defence, it started out all in good fun. You didn’t know who I was and I liked that. Compared to the usual screaming and frenzy when people see me, having someone who had no clue who I was, was refreshing. And you were cute and I had initially just wanted to tease you. I honestly didn’t know that it would turn out this way.

I lost a good friend because of this. And I don’t have many friends to begin with, being in this industry. Everybody seems to want to hang out with me because they want something. Money, usually. It’s a lonely life so don’t get famous, okay? Haha. 

I don’t know why I’m writing you this letter or why I’m desperate for you to have it. I’m not a bad person. At least, I don’t think so. The girls that came and went were only there because they wanted a glimpse of the glamorous life. But once they learn that it’s not so glamorous, they leave. I’m not one to brood over people like that but there’s been too many too much. It’s getting exhausting. It is exhausting. 

Then I remembered you. You who wanted nothing but an actual connection but I guess I haven’t had much of that so I didn’t recognise it at first. So I played that game, mostly for anonymity because I had liked that you liked talking to me as a person, a human being. But that was the extent of it. Anything else more was just an attempt at trying to exert whatever dominance I could to save my bruised ego, and for that I’m truly sorry. 

I don’t want to write too long but I hope you know this is sincere. Are you still not watching TV? Did you see my latest movie? You should. I look good in it. 

I hope you read this letter. If not, it’s okay, too. Whatever your choice is, I’m thankful for that brief moment when you saw right through me. I had needed that.

Sincerely,

Jin.

P/S: Btw, Jungkook had no part in this. I hope you weren’t too hard on him. He’s a good kid. I miss him.

Note: Jin had written a separate letter for Jungkook, sent via a postcard from Italy. The picture was a flag of Italy with the caption Grab Life by the Meatballs, in large capital letters. It was sent to Jungkook’s family home address.

Jungkook-ah,

I’m sorry I was an asshole. Where did you move to? I’ve been trying to find you but it seems that you just disappeared. Please, call me. Your hyung misses you and would prefer a hard knock on the head rather than this silent treatment. I fucked up, I know. But I want to make it right. You were like a brother to me and I’m sorry I let you down and hurt you. 

Call me, please. When you’re ready to talk. 

Hyung.

Yoongi

Dear y/n,

How have you been? I haven’t heard from you in awhile, but then again, I guess that’s kind of the point. 

Y’know, it’s funny. I thought I saw you the other day at the train station. But when I tried to find you, you weren’t there. I probably made you up, seeing things that I’ve been dying to see. Yeah. I really miss you. And I know I shouldn’t be saying this. You deserved better. 

You were right. I couldn’t see what I had until it was already too late. I was too busy focusing on helping others put the pieces of their lives back together that I disregarded the life we had that was falling apart. I did this to us. I ruined us. I was too blind and selfish, too righteous in my own way to even see the damage I was doing to you, to us. I should’ve been there for you, should’ve done more. 

I took your patience for granted, gambling away chances after chances, thinking that I was doing the right thing. But, please believe me when I say that I didn’t mean to hurt you. Breaking your heart was my biggest regret. I threw away a love that was given to me so freely and so unconditionally. I see that now but I know it’s too late. 

I hope you are happy wherever you are. I hope the next man gives you everything I couldn’t and didn’t. I hope he takes you dancing every weekend because I know you love to dance. I hope he knows that your favourite bouquet is anything with baby’s breaths in them and I hope he gets a ton of them for you. I hope he knows how much you love your kids at the kindergarten and I hope he loves the way your eyes crinkle whenever you talk about them. I hope he holds your hand and never lets go. Like I did.

I know I don’t deserve it but I hope that one day you’ll forgive me for being a weak man. You probably don’t want to hear this but I just want you to know that I still love you. I did then and I will always. You were the one that got away.

Yours truly,

Yoongi.

Hoseok

Hey!

So, um, I’m here in New York. Just arrived. But, uh, you didn’t tell me which hotel you’re staying at lol text me back soon! I got the stuff you told me to bring. Can’t wait to see you.

Hoseokxx

He deleted the last sentence before pressing send.

Jimin

Jimin had nothing to say. He had deleted all of your contact details after the night of the threesome. His business runs as usual, including the underground, private parties in collaboration with Taehyung. He had no regrets.

Taehyung

To my future bride-to-be,

You can run but you can’t hide forever. Not from me, baby. Even if it takes months or years, I’ll find you. And when I do, you’ll regret running away from me. I told you, marry me or you’ll never find peace and a life in hiding is nowhere near peaceful. 

Come back, while I still have the grace to forgive you.

Signed,

Your only saviour.

Jungkook

Hello, my love, 

It still feels a little weird to be able to call you that. But like a good kind of weird. I’m just grinning to myself while I’m writing this. OMG, I’m so pathetic it’s cringey!

Ok, so I told you I suck at writing letters but since you wanted one, here you go! But…I don’t know what to say so I’ll just say whatever I feel like saying, I guess. I love you. HA! You probably know this already but god, I love you. So fucking much. Since that first time I saw you. 

I know the way we met was bad and I wish I could erase all that part but I don’t wanna. If I erase all of that, we wouldn’t have met and I would never get the chance to get to know you and we wouldn’t be here today. But I want to let you know that not a day went by without you in my mind, not a day passed that I wish I wasn’t such a coward and had just come clean or talked to you. 

I know we talked about this and I know we’ve moved past this but it’s important for me that you know that you’ve always been there, in the back of my mind, in everything that I do. And I hope you’ll remain here forever and always. I want you with every step of the way moving forward. I love waking up to you, I love going to sleep with you by my side. I love that Bam loves you! And I love the way you call him your boy, too, sometimes. I think that’s cute. He’s our boy. It sounds like we’re a family with a son, hehe

Okay, my handwriting is just getting worse now so maybe I’ll stop? I can say everything else to you face to face. My hand is cramping up. 

Thank you for coming back into my life, y/n. Thank you for finding it in your heart to give me a second chance. I promise I won’t waste it. I’ll do everything that I can to make it up to you going forward. I want nothing but good memories between us. I know it’s ridiculous and that yes, we’ll have fights and bad times ahead but I know we can get through it all. Together. But can you please leave the laundry to me? I, um, have a specific method to it. Thanks ❤️

Anyway, I’m expecting a reward for this letter. Later tonight? :3

Love you!

JK

Note: he had kept Jin’s ridiculous postcard in a drawer, for safekeeping. He’s not sure to reply or not yet. But he’s glad to have it, a reminder that maybe, there’s a chance to mend that bridge.

a/n2: well, lmk what you think in the comments or ask as usual :) if you like, pls like and reblog ❤️

Check out my other works → :MASTERLIST:

Tags:

@effielumiere @serendididy

[blackcatrph]

** sour  sentence  starters.

brutal.

“  i think that i’ll die before i drink.  ”

“  i'm so caught up in the news of who likes me and who hates you.  ”

“  i'm so tired that I might quit my job, start a new life.  ”

“  they'd all be so disappointed  because who am I if not exploited?  ”

“  where's my fuckin' teenage dream?  ”

“  if someone tells me one more time "enjoy your youth," I'm gonna cry.  ”

“  i'm anxious and nothing can help.  ”

“  i wish I'd done this before.  ”

“  i wish people liked me more.  ”

“  all I did was try my best.  ”

“  this the kind of thanks I get?  ”

“  they say these are the golden years.  ”

“  i wish I could disappear.  ”

“  god, it's brutal out here.  ”

“  i feel like no one wants me.  ”

“  i only have two real friends.  ”

“  lately I'm a nervous wreck.  ”

“  i love people I don't like.  ”

“  i hate every song I write.  ”

“  i'm not cool, and I'm not smart.  ”

“  i can't even parallel park.  ”

“  got a broken ego, broken heart.  ”

“  i don't even know where to start.  ”

traitor.

“  brown guilty eyes and little white lies.  ”

“  i played dumb but I always knew.  ”

“  i kept quiet so I could keep you.  ”

“  ain't it funny how you ran to her the second that we called it quits?  ”

“  ain't it funny how you said you were friends?  ”

“  it sure as hell don't look like it.  ”

“  you betrayed me.  ”

“  i know that you'll never feel sorry for the way I hurt.  ”

“  loved you at your worst but that didn't matter.  ”

“  guess you didn't cheat, but you're still a traitor.  ”

“  there's no damn way that you could fall in love with somebody that quickly.  ”

“  ain't it funny, all the twisted games, all the questions you used to avoid?  ”

“  remember I brought her up and you told me I was paranoid?  ”

“  i wish that you had thought this through before I went and fell in love with you.  ”

“  you gave me your word but that didn't matter.  ”

drivers  license. 

“  i got my driver's license last week.  ”

“  just like we always talked about.  ”

“  today I drove through the suburbs crying 'cause you weren't around.  ”

“  you're probably with that blonde girl.  ”

“  she's so much older than me.  ” 

“  she's everything I'm insecure about.  ”

“  how could I ever love someone else?   “

“  i know we weren't perfect but I've never felt this way for no one.  ”

“  i just can't imagine how you could be so okay now that I'm gone.  ”

“  guess you didn't mean what you wrote in that song about me.  ”

“  all my friends are tired of hearing how much I miss you.  ”

“  I kinda feel sorry for them because they'll never know you the way that I do.  ”

“  i still see your face in the white cars, front yards.  ”

“  can't drive past the places we used to go to because I still fuckin' love you.  ”

1  step  forward,  3  steps  back.

“  i called you on the phone today.  ”

“  all I did was speak normally.  ”

“  you got me fucked up in the head.  ”

“  like am I pretty? am I fun?  ”

“  i hate that I gave you power over that kind of stuff.  ”

“  it's always one step forward and three steps back.  ”

“  i'm the love of your life until I make you mad.  ”

“  do you love me, want me, hate me? i don't understand.  ”

“  maybe in some masochistic way I kind of find it all exciting.  ”

“  which lover will I get today?  ”

“  will you walk me to the door or send me home cryin'?  ”

“  it's back and forth, did I say somethin' wrong?  ”

“  it's back and forth, goin' over everything I said.  ”

“  i'd leave you, but the roller coaster's all I've ever had.  ”

deja vu.

“  strawberry ice cream, one spoon for two?  ”

“  i bet she's braggin' to all her friends, sayin' you're so unique.  ”

“  so when you gonna tell her that we did that, too?  ”

“  that was our place, I found it first.  ”

“  i made the jokes you tell to her when she's with you.  ”

“  do you get déjà vu when she's with you?  ”

“  do you call her, almost say my name?  ”

“  i hate to think that I was just your type.  ”

“  don't act like we didn't do that shit too.  ”

“  play her piano, but she doesn't know that I was the one who taught you Billy Joel.  ”

good  4  u.

“  well, good for you, I guess you moved on really easily.  ”

“  you found a new girl and it only took a couple weeks.  ”

“  remember when you said that you wanted to give me the world?  ”

“  good for you, I guess that you've been workin' on yourself.  ” 

“  i guess that therapist I found for you, she really helped.  ”

“  now you can be a better man for your brand new girl.  ”

“  well, good for you, you look happy and healthy.  ”

“  not me, if you ever cared to ask.  ”

“  good for you, you're doin' great out there without me.  ”

“  i've lost my mind.  ”

“  i've spent the night cryin' on the floor in my bathroom.  ”

“  it's like we never even happened.  ”

“  what the fuck is up with that?  ”

“  good for you, it's like you never even met me.  ”

“  remember when you swore to god i was the only person who ever got you?  ”

“  well, screw that and screw you.  ”

“  you will never have to hurt the way you know that I do.  ”

“  maybe I'm too emotional.  ”

“  your apathy's like a wound in salt.  ”

“  maybe I'm too emotional  or maybe you never cared at all.  ”

“  like a damn sociopath.  ”

enough  for  you.

“  i wore makeup when we dated because I thought you'd like me more.  ”

“  i know that you loved before.  ”

“  tried so hard to be everything that you like.  ”

“  i read all of your self-help books so you'd think that I was smart.  ”

“  stupid, emotional, obsessive little me.  ”

“  i knew from the start this is exactly how you'd leave.  ”

“  you found someonе more exciting.  ”

“  you left me there cryin', wonderin' what I did wrong.  ”

“  you always say I'm never satisfied but I don't think that's true.  ”

“  all I ever wanted was to be enough for you.  ”

“  maybe I'm just not as interesting as the girls you had before.  ”

“  you couldn't have cared less about someone who loved you more.  ”

“  i'd say you broke my heart but you broke much more than that.  ”

“  i don’t want your sympathy, i just want myself back.  ”

“  don’t you think i loved you too much to be used and discarded?  ”

“  don't you think I loved you too much to think I deserve nothing?  ”

“  don’t tell me you’re sorry, feel sorry for yourself.  ”

“  someday i’ll be everything to somebody else.  ”

“  you’ll be the one crying.  ”

happier.

“  we broke up a month ago. ”

“  your friends are mine you know.  ”

“  you’ve moved on, found someone new.  ”

“  i thought my heart was detached from all the sunlight of our past.  ”

“  she’s so sweet, she’s so pretty.  ”

“  does she mean you forgot about me ?  ”

“  i hope you’re happy but not like how you were with me.  ”

“  i’m selfish i know. i can’t let you go.  ”

“  find someone great, but don’t find no one better.  ”

“  i hope you’re happy, but don’t be happier.  ”

 “  do you tell her she’s the most beautiful girl you’ve ever seen?  ”

“  an eternal love bullshit you know you’ll never mean.  ”

“  remember when i believe you meant it when you said it first to me?  ”

“  now i’m picking her apart like cutting her down will make you miss my wretched heart.  ”

“  she’s beautiful, she looks kind.  ”

“  she probably gives you butterflies.  ”

“  i wish you all the best, really.  ”

“  say you love her, just not like you loved me.  ”

“  think of me fondly when your hands are on her.  ”

jealousy  jealousy.

“  i kinda wanna throw my phone across the room.  ”

“  all i see are girls too good to be true.  ”

“  i know their beauty’s not my lack but it feels like that weight is on my back.  ”

“  comparison is killing me slowly.  ”

“  i think i think too much.  ”

“  i’m so sick of myself, i’d rather be anyone else.  ”

“  my jealousy started following me.  ”

“  i see everyone getting all the things i want.  ”

“  i’m happy for them, but then again, i’m not.  ”

“  i can’t stand it.  ” 

“  oh god i sound crazy.  ”

“  their win is not my loss, i know it’s true.  ”

“  i can’t help getting caught up in it all.  ”

“  all your friends are so cool.  ”

“  you go out every night.  ”

“  you’re living the life.  ”

“  i want to be you so bad, and i don’t even know you.  ”

“  all i see is what i should be.  ”

favourite  crime.

“  know that i love you so bad.  ”

“  i let you treat me like that.  ”

“  i was your willing accomplice.  ”

“  i watched as you fled the scene.  ”

“  doe-eyed as you buried me.  ”

“  the things i did just so i could call you mine.  ”

“  the things you did. well, i hope i was your favourite crime.  ”

“  you used me as an alibi.  ”

“  i crossed my heart and you crossed the line.  ”

“  i defended you to all my friends.  ”

“  every time i siren sounds, i wonder if you’re around.  ”

“  you know that i’d do it all again.  ”

“  it’s bittersweet to think about the damage that we’d do.  ”

“  i was going down but i was doing it with you.  ”

“  i say that i hate you with a smile on my face.  ”

“  look what we became.  ” 

hope  ur  ok.

“  his parents cared more about the bible than being good to their own child.  ”

“  wore long sleeves because of his dad.  ”

“  somehow we fell out of touch.  ”

“  hope he took his bad deal and made a royal flush.  ”

“  don’t know if i’ll see you again someday.  ”

“  i hope that you’re okay.  ”

“  her parents hated who she loved.  ”

“  she was brought into a world where family was merely blood.  ” 

“  with the courage to unlearn all of their hatred.  ”

“  we don’t talk much.  ”

“  i miss you and i hope that you’re okay.  ”

“  address the letter to the holes in my butterfly wings.  ”

“  nothing’s forever, nothing is as good as it seems.  ”

“  when the clouds are ironed our and the monsters creep into your house, every door is hard to close.  ”

“  i hope you know how proud i am.  ”

“  i hope that you’re happier today.  ”

“  i love you and i hope that you’re okay.  ”  

[bloodybigshiplucille]

Shame To My Name

Chapter 2: His Change

My head is pounding but I feel like my soul left my body. I’m watching the whole scene unfold like a stranger. Like I don’t belong. He’s back. He’s really back. He’s alive. My father is alive. Even though I can clearly see him holding my mother in his arms while laughing at something Carl is telling him I feel like I’m watching it from afar. Like I’m just watching a scene from a movie that isn’t real. With his return everything else returns as well. The fear, the anxiety, the feeling of never being enough. I thought I buried all those feelings together with him. I guess I was wrong.

„Excuse me…“ I whisper under my breath and slowly step away from the Rick Grimes Welcome Back Party. The second I’m out of sight I feel like I got the power over my legs back and I start running. I run and run until my legs and lungs are close to giving out. I walk along the forrest until I end up at the tiny lake which the group uses for washing up. It’s my new favourite place. The nature’s scenery is completely untouched, it’s like the world never went crazy. I can finally breathe properly again. The sun is warming up my skin. I hadn’t even realised that I was shivering. My fingers and feet feel like popsicles but on the other hand I’m also sweating like crazy. It’s just like a couple years ago when all I wanted was to get my dad’s approval and affection. No matter how outstanding one of my school projects were or if I had gotten the best score in my creative writing class something still earned disapproval. On a daily I struggled with shit like „That’s great, peanut, but creative writing won’t bring you far in life. Keep on setting your goals high but concentrate on the important stuff“ or „Carl got a C on his last maths test. Oh, don’t give me that look! You know how much your brother struggles with math! You always grudge him his achievements!“ The second I spotted the brown King County sheriff uniform I morphed back into my old shy and insecure self. I hate my dad for that.

Suddenly there’s a sound. Somebody is getting nearer. Maybe a walker will actually end my misery. I spin around quickly only to see my father standing behind me with uplifted hands.

„Sorry, peanut, didn’t mean to scare you“, he said apologetic.

„It’s alright“, I relax a little but my shoulders are still tense. „Thought you were a dead one.“

„Well, I almost was“, he laughs, I don’t. His face quickly drops and his eyes look down at me pitiful. „Are you okay? I turned around and you were suddenly gone…“

„Yeah, I’m fine.“

„You don’t have to lie to me. I can only imagine how hard it is to lose a parent only to find out weeks later that they’re alive. Take your time, it’s okay. I just want you to know that I’ve missed you. So much. I was always thinking about you, Carl and Mom. You guys kept me alive.“ He throws one arm around my neck and pulls me close.

„I missed you, too.“ Did I?

„I’m back now. Everything is okay again.“ He plants a kiss on my forehead. „Are you coming back with me to the camp? We’re having a bonfire with everyone.“ I hesitate for a second not wanting to leave my happy place by the lake. Dad notices my hesitation. „But hey, no pressure. You can join later if you’d like to stay here a little longer. Your family would love to have you there. Just watch out for walkers and be save, okay?“ He gives my arm a firm squeeze and gets ready to leave. They must have given this man something strong in the hospital because there’s a major shift going on inside him. First of all, he left me the choice to join a family event or not, second he trusts me to be save. On my own? That’s rich coming from the same man that fetched me in his police car from junior prom just to make sure that no sleazy boy is walking me home. The world has changed entirely, maybe my dad has, too.

„Wait! Dad!“ I call after him. „I’m coming with you.“

———————————————————————————————————————————

Back at the camp site, the sun is about to set, people start gathering around the fireplace. Shane is stacking up the wood whilst in a quiet conversation with my mom. From afar you could be fooled and think they’re just casually talking. If you look a little closer though you can clearly see mom fidgeting nervously and Shane avoiding her eyes likes he’s about to bust into flames when looking at her face. When mom sees me and dad arriving at camp she turns from Shane and offers her husband a bright smile. Only her eyes ain’t smiling.

„Hey, honey!“ Dad chirps happily and plants a kiss on mom’s lips while Shane suddenly seems overly interested in his task of building up the fire. „You can’t imagine how wonderful it is to have you back. You too, Shane,“ Shane slightly flinches but meets dad’s eyes. „I owe you, my brother. You saved my family, you saved me. I’m forever grateful, man.“ Dad holds out his hand and pulls Shane into a tight hug. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Shane more mortified. Hold on, scratch that. I’ve never seen anyone more mortified. The whole scene is just comedic. Like I’m just ready for the bubble to pop and for my dad to beat Shane’s ass. I don’t know whether I’m uncomfortable to the limits or whether I haven’t felt that entertained in the longest time. However, Shane’s „anything for you, brother“ totally tips me over the edge and I can’t keep a quiet snort in.

Immediately I feel mom grabbing my shoulder tightly. The death glare she’s giving me is saying it all: She knows. She knows that I know. „Don’t“, she mutters so quietly I almost didn’t catch it. This is gonna be interesting.

The bonfire turns out to be quite a calming event. Of course dad is the center of attention as he recounts the past couple of days. „Disoriented. I guess that comes closest. Disoriented.“ While talking about how he woke up and realised that the undead were roaming the streets dad keeps mom in a tight hug in one arm and Carl in his other arm. I sit next to them, close enough to belong to them but also distant enough to keep an eye on the rest of the group. While Glenn or Amy are basically attached to dad’s lips I notice some worried glances within the group as well. Obviously Shane turned into the definition of uneasy and avoids his best friend’s eyes at all cost, Dale’s face of concern doesn’t pass unnoticed either. He does listen closely to the latest member of our group, however, his eyes also bounce between mom and Shane a lot. What will happen if or when dad finds out about them? I gotta be honest, I’m a lot more concerned about the wellbeing of the group. From the perspective of a daughter I don’t care if mom and dad break up, it’s not like they’ve been the definition of happily ever after. However, the whole issue can cause a deep cut within the group. By all means I am not the biggest Shane fan, hell under normal circumstances I wouldn’t mind him being attacked by a zombie, but he’s strong, unfortunately smart when it comes to survival and a major provider of food. We can’t afford losing him. I’m convinced that Dale is having the exact same thoughts.

„Mom said you died“, Carl tells dad, more of a question than a statement. A short streak of panic washes over mom’s face but dad just smiles at our family and nonchalantly tells my brother that mom had every reason to believe that. The way Shane flexes his jaw doesn’t pass unnoticed either.

Two hours later people start heading for their tents. „You must be exhausted“, mom tells dad and strokes through his hair. The fact that Shane hasn’t burst into million little pieces yet is a miracle.

„I sure am. I can’t wait to finally fall asleep next to you again“, dad presses his lips to mom’s temple.

„Let’s go to bed then. C’mon, Carl.“ My brother was already half asleep in dad’s lap and barely opens his eyes when he gets ushered up. I follow behind my family towards our tent with Shane right behind me since his tent, which I don’t think he’s ever slept in, is next to ours. Just as mom opens the tent’s zipper I return my gaze to Shane.

„Good night, Shane!“ I smile wickedly at him. Shane frowns at me like he’s forming seven kinds of death wishes on me but quickly recovers and offers a forced smile when dad joins in and wishes him a good night as well. Maybe that action was a bit unnecessary but I gotta at least have some fun.

Inside the tent my parents slide into their compartment and I lay down next to Carl in ours. My brother is already sound asleep when my head hits the pillow. While Carl is snoring peacefully next to me I couldn’t be more awake. How did my life turn from really complicated to somehow less complicated despite a literally apocalypse happening back to really fucking complicated and all just because of one person? Shit really is hitting the fan non-stop. I try every method in the book to fall asleep. I count from 1 to 100 in three languages, I try a breathing technique Shane taught me and Carl when we got terrified of walkers outside of our window. Nothing works. It’s ridiculous. Sometimes I fall into a nap which lasts about five minutes but then I’m back to staring at the ceiling of the tent.

Suddenly I hear distant moving coming from my parents’ side of the tent. I try listening closely, maybe dad is strangling mom because she admitted cheating on him. There’s rustling. There’s a dull thump. And then… there’s a moan. No. No, absolutely not. No way. I shoot out of my sleeping bag, get my shoes on and storm out of the tent. I’m absolutely not listening to my mom moaning yet another man’s name. Especially not my father’s.

I wander around aimlessly trying to get the mental image of my mother fucking my dad like Shane isn’t sleeping a few feet away from them out of my head until I reach the site of our bonfire. The embers are still weakly smoldering and the smell of burned wood is still in the air. I decide to sit down for a while when I see a figure already sitting in the exact same place my dad sat earlier. The person must have sensed me, too, because as I step closer I notice Daryl Dixon staring at me.

Chapter 1

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6