#I’ve been to therapy it’s okay-
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Pin that says “Ask Me About my Resentment Towards The Inner Child”
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my third ‘burst out crying for a reason i am unable to put into words’ event in two days
#i don’t. know#i think it’s. i’ve been. living and its a lot#ive been waking up at 7am and working two jobs and doing good in all my classes and brushing my teeth and showering everyday and just. all#the stuff that’s so easy for everyone else. and when i can’t. when im struggling#and so im like. im disabled its okay so i. go to therapy more and i use the cane and all the stuff im supposed to do but then i burn out and#hurt my wrists from the cane and i know rest is. better. but i took a ‘rest day’ and it was the most depressed ive been in years#well not. years. but it wasn’t. good#i have learned i do not how to chill without being depressed about it
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![Tumblr media](https://64.media.tumblr.com/4f421c8104158ae80b7195c5ccb831b5/b8664ce3ad556f9c-57/s540x810/9bcf9d4583bc7641373b0e6d1abce22d42529044.jpg)
how do batteries work :(
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(plus the full screenshot bc i can’t decide if it’s funnier cropped or not cropped)
#he’s so harrowed#idk why i’m picture them showing up for a therapy session with me#this couple comes in and i’m like ok what’s going on guys#and they sit down#one of them just looks at me like they’re gonna cry and just says “how do batteries work”#the other one pats them on the shoulder supportively like “it’s okay. i know this is hard. you’re so brave.”#and i’m there like#guys you know i’m a therapist right i can’t tell you how batteries work#but i’ve already noticed about 50 things just in the 15 seconds you’ve been in here that warrant us to have follow up sessions#dnp#dan and phil#amazingphil#dan howell#wdapteo 4#wdapteo 2023#yeet my deet#phan#yeet my deenp#bog#pp42??#image description in alt#dnp described
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I’M CRYING
tell me why i was scrolling through twitter at 4am, stalking the gojo tag cuz why not, and then i see that this man would probably be a freeloader or a swallow (japanese term for a literal sugar baby, according to my sources - correct me if i’m wrong) to older women if not a jujutsu sorcerer?
I’M CACKLING 😭 GEGE, WHAT IS THIS?
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#i’m 17#but if this man is supposedly ‘dead’ at 29#gotta wait a little over a decade and i’ll be an older woman#the wolf is me#i am she#she is me#yes it’s a girl#🎀#i’m just a girl#gojo satoru#gojo#satoru gojo#jjk#jujutsu kaisen#guys i’m CRYING#like genuinely#this is the funniest thing i’ve seen#why does he want to be pampered when he’s already rich?#okay passenger princess#i see you 💀#the princess of the fandom (and of anime entirely)#what have i been sayinggg#the man would 100% spoil you but expect to be pampered just as much#unless i’m wrong and there was a mistranslation#in that case i’ll be going into hiding#but otherwise#join me in spoiling my pretty blue eyed princess#gege go seek therapy#why couldn’t he just say ‘he’s coming back’ and leave it at that?#😭
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You know a fandom’s fucked you up immensely when you panic at the thought of interacting with them again. Even if it’s a completely normal interaction like posting fan work
#꒰ v’s rambling ꒱#I know I said I’ve gotten better and feel okay after what happened on the bird app#But there really is no denying that I’ve been mentally affected by all of it#Guess that’s what happens when people say you’re a PDF file (excuse my word filter)#I need therapy I swear#I just wanna draw magical girl Lawrence lol
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can. I hear about bailey,,, I'm low key in love w em
YEAG I love Bailey!!!
So! Most of what I’m writing for him right now is real vague because I am ✨struggling with feeling cringe✨ about him JGSHD
But I’ll give you what I got
Originally!! He was an ace attorney fan character! He currently is and isn’t
I like having fan characters but I end up using them so much they spiral into their own thing so I’m just preemptively splitting him into his own character and Ace Attorney au
With that tho-! He’s a defence attorney :}
Bailey is a good guy! He’s very silly
He swaps out his fake eye a lot for different colours and types, he has a few gimmicky/novelty ones that usually make people do a double take when they see em
He likes to make jokes about “character customisation”
And he especially loves to fuck with people that don’t know about the eye or if they ask he’ll give a different batshit reason as to why he lost it in the first place, and then not elaborate
I don’t want to touch on how he actually lost his eye n got his scars for too long-! But I will mention that he was in an accident as a kid
He’s lived his life a lot longer with his scars than without them, and he doesn’t really remember not having them- so they don’t bother him really!
Outside of his work life Bailey is more of a quiet, stay at home kinda guy
He doesn’t go out of his way to avoid anyone or going out with them, and he will go places if he’s invited
But he’s fairly introverted! He definitely can only really recharge when he’s alone
#he’s also autistic lol he just doesn’t know it#I’m not sure what kinda hobbies he has?#he doesn’t strike me as a particularly creative type so I’m trying to find things he can do at home#I did consider giving him a therapy dog a while ago but I am unsure on this front#he is my silly billy guy who I love very much#mostly I’ve just been imagining him in situations with various characters#like! i have decided he is friends specifically with apollo justice ace attorney#do I KNOW anything about mr apollo justice ace attorney? no#do I care? no! I just have a FEELING okay
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i do believe you all followed me because of writing sorry you have to deal with the deeply mentally ill girl that comes with it.. slight rant in tags ? i guess ? ily all anyhow
#this year has been so horrible LMAO#every other week something new is popping up#like i thought it couldn’t get worse and then it does#idk how i’m coping (im not)!!#but i really wanna be here and be able to post and write and give you all the good content you followed for but i do genuinely feel like#i’ve been lacking a lot lately and i’m sorry for that#i’m talking to my doctor about upping my meds and going back to therapy#and just trying to do things to make me feel better rather than offing myself#melo will be okay i’m sure of it but im trying my hardest i promise#✧ melody posts
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i think when i’m like 30 i either gotta be an extremely rich architect in a foreign country or i’m killing myself no in between i’m sorry
#also you know what i’ve been thinking. No one is going to find this interesting except grace#but it was my second profection year right and i really embodied it#and i’m gonna be 26 soon so third one is activated and it literally sounds so boring like zzzzz i’m ignoring that shiet. And i’m also#thinking how jeonghan will go through his saturn return or is probably already going through it… maybe not he just turned 29 but yeah.#anyway what else yeah i think i just need to drown myself in work and not enjoy life like truly 6H of me but be a machine i was born to be#and i will get lots of money + get satisfaction from work + feel less suicidal#but it’s HARD when all i’ve been thinking is whatever something for therapy but i don’t go so tumblr will hear about it#i think i need to have some off time from tumblr tbh#i did put shit in queue okay whatever this makes no sense it should probably be deleted or not even posted#tt
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clawing my hair out
#vent#was felling pretty good and okay today but sometimes my family manages to undo that shit. and not even intentionally#idk whatever. looking for therapists now if that tells you anything#i’ve been wanting to go to therapy for a bit but yeah. feel a bit shitty for no real reason#oh well#alex’s inane ramblings#of course now that i’m looking for therapists i feel like my issues aren’t bad enough to warrant therapy which i know is the devil talking#i think maybe this all needs to be a tomorrow thing. gonna watch a show or smth and pretend i’m thriving
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hmmm
#this is just a vent#but i’m supposed to be logging this stuff so it’s going on tumblr before i can get the journal out#checking to see which libraries this book is at and realizing that not every branch in#the system was open sundays#so grateful all the branches in affluent areas got mandatory days off while alll our worst incidents happened saturday and sunday#i’ve only been in new therapy for two weeks now but finally unpacking the work trauma just makes me so#frustrated???#angry??#nothing was fair to anyone#how were we supposed to help anyone in conditions like this#just every day something new and never getting to breathe#meanwhile branch by an apple store with 4 book clubs gets a nice sunday at home when they know no one is#sleeping on the sidewalk outside waiting to come in#i know Getting Through This is going to get worse before it gets better but i just get so angry sometimes#anyhow#have to wait til monday to pick up the raven boys#that’s okay#flynn.txt
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Depression is all fun and games until your skipping school even though you’re weeks behind because you quite literally can’t get out of bed
#god I hate it here#not to mention you mother and father#SEEING this#simply decides to ignore you like your Alr dead#like damn okay 💀💀 fuck you too ig 💀💀#I don’t know how to fix this#I’m literally gonna be held back or taken to court bc I’ve missed so many days#but oh well the sillies r keeping me alive#Also I told myself I wouldn’t vent online anymore but I honestly don’t care anymore 😭#it’s so bad though#I tried to do some of my homework last night and ended up throwing up from the stress#and it’s not like my friends just forgot about me they are GOOD friends I’ve just been pushing them away; telling them I’m just sick etc.#it’s my fault so I’m not mad at them for not knowing what to do. The closest ones try to call me#sometimes I answer and we talk. sometimes I don’t and they leave me a message abt how their a good listener and they KNOW something’s wrong.#Truly I love my friends but at this point I just need to be medicated or in a mental institution ong#but again; it’s not like my parents actually care. they canceled my therapy that was court appointed to me#My support system otherwise is gone; my older siblings have moved out and I’m supposed to protect my younger ones from my parents#but deadass my entire family is well aware that I’m useless in that department#I shake scream and sob everytime my parents yell at us so I’m no help; really#I mean recently I’ve been able to keep my emotions under control but the only reason why is because I’m dead inside 💪#As I’m typing this out I’m realizing that I should be telling the world this especially not in my mental state but like. I dunno 🤷♂️#I know most of you don’t care or if you do your just concerned or feel bad bc you know what it’s like and I thank you.#seriously; I thank you for being human and reminding me the world can be kind#if anything im just distracting myself from whatever this is. whether it be playing a silly game or drawing about said silly game it helps#but it also makes me feel guilty bc I RLLY should be focused on trying to pass this year. but I’m pretty sure it’s too late now.#anyways; that’s why I’ve been inactive lately so I apologize#it’s funny bc I’m typing this out but I rlly don’t feel anything while explaining this to you guys#I’ll tag this properly; I don’t know why I’m posting this and I might delete it later I dunno#tw vent#tw mention of abuse
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the only thing im gonna ask is what did these boys do to some of yall omg???
#like children are you okay#the animosity like omg….some of yall are acting like a bitter divorcee what is wrong#I’ve been through enough therapy I can listen#the hate is a bit funny but like also concerning??#love and deepspace#lads
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what do you mean my friends have a discord server without me. haha anyways i should die?
#okay#no thats okay#everytime i am asked by the people around me ‘don’t you have any close friends?’ and i hesitate for a long while#the neurodivergent struggle to establish meaningful connections with the people in your life!!!#like dang i really do not have anyone i can feel confident feels the same way about me#except maybe raiha. i love you li#even then it kinda feels like i’ve been a burden aaahhahh#therapy is so expensive and not as gratifying so i should go eat a nice meal once i’m done spiraling#holy shit i need to do busy myself so i don’t have emotions again#thank god i wont have to see anyone again after this#but that makes me a bit sad too#i'm always of the habit of cutting everyone off and leaving.. but it's not necessarily a happy outcome for me sigh#something something floater friend#god. they need to have a free trial on killing yourself
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small talking to myself kinda post pay no mind
#I’ve been wondering a lot about myself and my place in things again lately#Been thinking about my identity and who I want to present as and how I act#Someone who I used to consider my best friend broke me down so miserably that I’ve grown to hate myself for everything-#that they would shit on me for.#It makes me think about when I was like that to someone I cared about#And it makes me really fucking sad#I’m proud to say I’m not that person anymore but knowing I invited it back into my life-#through another person that I continuously made excuses for#It’s like I felt obligated to be miserable as some stupid egotistic self righteous karma#And I truly hate that. I hate that I let it go on for so long because I hated myself too much to change it#It’s okay now but I still reflect on it often#I’m constantly wondering if I’ll go back to being shitty or if I’m letting myself be abused again#It’s messed with my view of myself. My view of my looks. Of my gender. Of my trauma#Of my humor. Of my tastes. Literally everything#I haven’t been able to repair my trust with myself enough to trust others and it fuckin blows man#It sounds stupid saying it out loud I guess#But I can’t keep bottling it or I might implode#I think that things will be fine with time and continued effort#Just need to spend some time really thinking about where I want to be in the future#I think I want to start therapy but voluntarily this time#Maybe a professional will be able to help me sort it out#vent#rant
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T shirt that says I still have social issues and trauma from things that happened over a decade ago
#captain’s log#I am getting back in to therapy to process things dw#I just find myself in these spaces and spiraling#because of how much I want to be friends with people or want people to like me#to think I’m fine and normal even or worthwhile but that feeling of wanting to be friends or needing to somehow#in the nebulous space of interaction irl or social media try to cut through and#communicate my personality my worth and my desire for friendship all while risking rejecting#rejection* feels impossible and is within itself very triggering#especially because I get stuck in these spaces of always feeling stupid ugly and like an 11 year old kid who doesn’t understand#but just feels like somethings WRONG with them and keeps saying the wrong things when he tries to make people like him#and that assumed wrongness which begates assumed rejection only makes the spiral worse#hi I will be okay I am fine I am just like. struggling and wanting to not feel weird or stupid or annoying#my last two work environments have been incredibly unprofessional and toxic which I think has triggered all of this#several people I worked with in both places have compared it to high school so I think there’s that#also I’ve made some fantastic and really cool new friends and I feel so frightened of rejection and so unworthy of friendship#also if I ever don’t respond to people it is because I panic and shutdown! haha sorry about that#I’m starting EDMR again this fall so hopefully I will see a turn around#I also think my anti-depressants have stopped working. also thinking about taking my psych up on the referral for Ketemine#anyway sorry I’ll be fine I’m going to wake Will up now so I’m not alone jdkdkskssksksks also eat something
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Hug
Hug
#I feel like every time I pull myself back together in like a week or two I just fall apart again#and I don’t really want to do anything drastic but at the same time my little fix-it’s just feel like bandaids#like step one is going back to therapy for sure it is not uprooting my life and moving#but at the same time like until I can get that I’m a bit worried#like now I’m wondering if I really should work on finding a new job#like idk I don’t want to do anything big and drastic I just want to ride it out#but that hasn’t been working#like clearly the shit I’ve been doing isn’t working so maybe I do need to start taking more drastic measures like finding a new job#you know it was gonna be like okay let’s start with therapy#but that was like a week ago I only started looking for therapists like yesterday#on the one hand I’m like okay we need to start small and start with maybe therapy and see how that does before we make any bigger decisions#but then it’s like how many shitty days at work is too many#idk#punk gets mail#personal
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