#I’m so stupid for thinking I ever mattered
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
Text
BABY TRAP? LIKE THE MOVIE WITH THE TWINS?
description… you two are meant to be. sealed by fate, star crossed lovers. you’ll keep each other around however you need to.
warnings… dark content! baby trapping! noncon! obviously they’re being baby trapped they say something trying to stop it. consensual sex. full penetrative sex.
a word from the writer… i’ve had this in the drafts for aWHILE. it’s about time. do yall still read dc? i’ll never stop supplying… are we too woke now?!
TRAPS YOU
you’re hot under him, and he’s making that face he always makes right before he cums. it’s like repetition; eyes blanked out, mouth ajar but not fully open, brows furrowed like he’s desperate— and it’s scary.
“baby,” the word is cut in two with how fast he’s going, tease of pain as he hilts into your cervix with every thrust. “baby, you’re not wearing a condom.” your voice is uneasy, shaky from the movement and pleasure and build up. you think, in a way, the way you have sex is unfair. he gives you so much, orgasm after orgasm, rubbing your clit as he drills you to the point you go fucking stupid.
you feel safe with him. sex is sacred with him, no matter how sick it gets. but right now, with your calves pressed into his shoulders, his hands pushing your thighs impossibly back, you feel uneasy.
“baby, baby, pull out.” he gasps, sweat dripping down right near your eyes as a shaky groan escapes him.
“fuck,” a chaste kiss to your forehead, a shakiness in his movements, an unmatched rhythm as he gets closer and closer. “fuck. oh my, god. you feel so fucking good— so fuckin’ good.”
and so does he. but you’re scared.
“you’re gonna make such a good mommy, gonna be such a good mama. gonna— gonna give you my babies. gonna get you pregnant, gonna make you mine.”
“hey, wait,” your hands raise to his chest but he hits that angle that makes your eyes roll and they fall back. it feels so good you almost don’t care. “baby, baby, baby stop. baby, you gotta pull out.”
“you’re gonna be such a good mommy. gonna give you my kids. gonna give you my kids.” and it’s instant. it’s before you can even think— if you could anyway— it’s pressed so deep in you you betray yourself and cum, too.
he places his head to yours, kisses you greedy and whole, and whines into your mouth. it’s him, it’s real, it’s love. but— and you know this— it’s something so wrong.
“did you just…?” and before you can finish your question, he’s regaining his rhythm, fucking his cum into you with a half hard dick. it’s precise, it’s calculated, it’s intention.
he looks at you, eyes wide, breath heavy, and gives you a little grin. “gonna keep fucking you even when you’re pregnant, baby. gonna make sure i can keep you all to myself.”
GOJO, GETO, SUKUNA, YUJI
GETS TRAPPED
your legs hurt. you’ve been on top for all of thirty minutes, which you have no one to blame other than yourself. you love to edge him, love to get him so close and then take it all away from him. you think it gets him a little addicted.
but right now, as he squirms under you, losing every ounce of masculinity he’s ever had, something takes over you.
“gonna cum,” it’s breathless, short and sweet. “oh shit, i’m gonna cum.” you think he must think you’re edging him again. you think he’s expecting you to slow down, stop all together, pick up off him fully for ten or so seconds and then slam back down.
but you pick up the pace, grinding your hips into his, hitting his pelvic bone with your own as your hands grip at his pecs.
“wait, are you—” he falls apart under you, voice failing him, body failing him, hands only finding the strength to grip at your hips. “baby girl, i’m gonna cum.”
it’s melodic, tactile and articulate, a steady flow of bounces while your squelch fills the room.
“sweetheart, you gotta stop.” your right hand lifts from his chest to his mouth, shoving your fingers between his lips while he groans. he’s so easy to you, for you, because of you.
and then you feel it, milk it, relish in it— the way he comes undone at your touch, loses himself deep inside you. you don’t say a word about it, don’t think about it too much as you press your wet fingers to your stomach.
it’s a quiet giggle as reality washes over him. he looks cute, you can’t help but realize, panic and flushed under you. you’re sure of it then; he’s gonna be a sexy dad.
MEGUMI, NANAMI, CHOSO, TOJI
#sick and twisted mind#jjk x reader#jjk smut#toji smut#gojo smut#geto smut#megumi smut#nanami smut#yuji smut#sukuna smut#choso smut#toji x reader#gojo x reader#geto x reader#megumi x reader#nanami x reader#yuji x reader#sukuna x reader#choso x reader#gojo satoru x reader#geto suguru x reader#megumi fushiguro x reader#toji fushiguro x reader#nanami kento x reader#yuji itadori x reader
2K notes
·
View notes
Text
forever starts with a question
HAPPY BIRTHDAY LEX!!! This universe would not exist at all without all of your support and love and care for this version of Steve and Eddie and Rory. I hope you enjoy an extra little snippet of their lives and more importantly, I hope you have the best birthday @thefreakandthehair 💖
rated m | 1747 words | from the bear hugs universe | cw: implied sexual content, references to sex | tags: established relationship, modern au, hockey au, fluff, marriage proposal happens off screen in this but on screen in bear hugs
🏒🏒🏒🏒🏒🏒🏒🏒🏒🏒🏒
This is stupid, he thinks for the 16th time tonight.
There’s only so many times a guy can change his shirt before he starts to think going shirtless is a better option, and that’s about where Eddie’s at.
He’s just asking Rory if he can ask Steve to marry him. It’s not like he has to look perfect. It’s Rory. She’ll have chocolate ice cream on her shirt within five minutes of their night out, anyway. It doesn’t matter if he wears the black button down or the red sweater.
“Are you almost ready?” She bangs on the bedroom door and Eddie jumps.
“Yes! Be patient!” He checks the mirror by the closet one more time before opening the bedroom door and smiling down at her. “Who braided your hair?”
“Dad. Is it okay?” She reaches up to touch the ends of the braid, trying to look down at it as if she could see enough.
“It looks great,” Eddie replies. “You ready?”
Rory nods and rushes to the front door. Eddie throws his coat on and grabs his keys.
“We’re heading out!” Eddie calls as he opens the door. Steve’s most likely already busy on his lesson plans, trying desperately to catch up from having the flu for the last week. “Love you!”
“Love you both!” Steve yells from the extra bedroom that serves as an all-purpose room. It’s an office and storage and guest bedroom and present hiding place all rolled into one.
Eddie feels the nerves really kick in when they get to the ice cream shop. They always start with dessert on their nights out together. Eddie believes in starting with the good stuff, and Rory doesn’t argue.
She’s looking at the flavor options as if she ever gets anything other than fudge brownie ice cream with caramel on top. He lets her. Maybe she’ll surprise him one of these days.
“I know what I want,” she says barely a minute later.
“Go ahead and order,” Eddie gestures, bowing dramatically and smiling when Rory giggles. “Anything the princess desires!”
“Can I please have a fudge brownie ice cream in a cone with caramel on top?” Rory places her order and Eddie can’t help but love that she’s such a creature of habit. So is Steve. Down to the way he unties his shoes, and the exact pattern of what he does when he’s getting ready for bed, and-
“Daddy, c’mon!” Rory waves her hand forward and he snaps out of his thoughts.
“Sorry! I’ll have a bourbon caramel swirl,” he says.
Rory nudges him, raising her eyebrows.
“Oh! Please.”
The woman laughs behind the counter and scoops his ice cream.
“You have to be polite,” Rory reminds him.
“I know I’m sorry. I’m a little distracted,” he admits.
She furrows her brows. She looks so much like Steve when she does it.
Eddie pays, adds a nice tip for his unintentional rudeness earlier, and lets Rory lead him to a table. She always picks the one closest to the window that looks at the fountain, but that one’s taken. She leads him to one by the other window, one that looks out to the street.
They eat in silence for a bit. Ice cream drips onto Rory’s shirt. Eddie doesn’t acknowledge it except to hand her a napkin from the pile he grabbed before they sat down.
Eventually, he runs out of ice cream and she keeps looking at him like she’s onto him. He doesn’t know how she could be, but you never know with her. She always notices the things most kids wouldn’t.
He needs to just say it. He has to ask now or the anxiety will just keep building.
“So. Rory.”
“Daddy.”
“I like our little daddy daughter times. Do you?”
“Yeahhhhh,” Rory answers, drawing it out to emphasize how strange Eddie’s being.
“It would be pretty cool to do them forever, right?”
Rory nods. Eddie wants to fist pump. He’s doing great.
“I think it would be pretty cool to marry your dad, don’t you?”
Okay, that delivery could’ve used a little work, maybe a little more buildup. He didn’t practice the exact words today, so naturally he’s struggling a little.
“Daddy, what the heck are you talkin’ about?”
“You know I love him so much? And I’ve loved him so much for so long.” Eddie feels his stomach flutter. He told himself this would be harder than the actual proposal, and he’s finding that wasn’t an exaggeration. He thinks proposing to Steve will be a piece of cake after this. “And I also love you very much. I want to be part of your family forever, if you’ll let me.”
“But you’re already part of our family,” Rory says, confused.
“I am!” Eddie reassures her, reaching out to take her hand and pull her out of her chair. She’s standing right in front of him now, eye level so she can truly understand what he’s trying to say. “You guys have accepted me and loved me and I will always love you both, no matter what. But I was thinking it would be nice for us to have a wedding and officially be husbands. Your dad deserves something nice, something he really wants.”
“Not like my mom?” Rory asks and it breaks Eddie’s heart a little.
“Yeah, little one. He didn’t get to have a nice wedding the first time, and he wasn’t loved the way he should’ve been.” Eddie takes a shaky breath. “And neither were you. But I’m gonna do everything I can to love you both the way you deserve.”
Rory bites her lip, reaching up to play with the end of her braid that’s starting to come undone. Poor Steve just never does it right enough for her hair type.
That’s okay, though. Eddie will be there to help her until she can do it herself.
“And you won’t ever leave?”
Eddie shakes his head and pulls her into his chest.
“I’ll never, ever, ever leave you. Even if your dad moves on from me, I will always be here for you,” Eddie says. “I’m your dad, too. I’m not gonna stop loving you for any reason, okay?”
Rory nods against his shirt. She’s quiet for a full minute before she pokes at his chest.
He looks down and frowns.
“You got ice cream on your shirt,” Rory says.
“Shit.” Eddie grabs a napkin and starts wiping, hoping it doesn’t leave an obnoxious stain. He’s glad he chose a dark shirt, at least.
“You can marry my dad.”
Eddie freezes and looks up. Rory is looking back at him with red cheeks and watery eyes.
“But I get to hold both your hands,” she continues.
Eddie beams at her before he pulls her into a crushing hug. “I think we can swing that,” he gets out despite the sob barely being contained in his chest. Rory is patting his back, probably trying to comfort him, which he knows looks bad to the strangers scattered around the shop.
“Are you sad?” Rory asks.
“No!” He sniffles and lets out a small laugh. “I’m so happy.”
Rory pokes his cheek and starts playing with a piece of hair that fell from his bun. “But why did you ask me first? Don’t you have to ask dad?”
“I do have to ask him, but I wouldn’t have asked if you didn’t want me to. Your opinion matters,” Eddie explains. “Speaking of, though. Can you keep this a secret? I have an idea for a plan, but I need you to not spill anything.”
“I can keep secrets! I’m really good at it.” Rory jumps up and down. “I didn’t even tell you about the present dad got you for your birthday!”
She smacks her hand on her mouth while Eddie laughs. He loves this kid, even if she is bad about surprises. Luckily, Eddie’s plan is only a few weeks away, and he’s pretty sure she’ll be too focused on hockey to say anything to Steve.
He starts to tell her the plan while the rest of his ice cream melts in the bowl. He didn’t really want ice cream anyway, just time with his favorite kid.
****
“I can’t believe you proposed at a game,” Steve gasps between kisses against Eddie’s neck. “Can’t believe we’re engaged.”
Eddie laughs as he leans his head back against the wall. The unused equipment storage room they’re in smells like it was recently used, sweat and mildew clinging to the walls and carpet. It’s a smell that feels like home to them, but it’s decidedly unsexy.
Plus, they only have a few minutes before they have to get Rory from the locker room, where she is gathering autographs from everyone as if she won’t see them in the next month when Steve and Eddie come back for a coaching camp.
“Sweetheart, you’re not gonna have time to fuck me,” Eddie moans as Steve’s hand cups his hard cock through his jeans. “Shouldn’t even be in here.”
Steve pulls away a few inches. “Who said anything about fucking you?”
“Oh, I just assumed that’s why your hand was trying to fit in the back of my jeans,” Eddie smirks.
“You could fuck my mouth?” Steve offers.
“Jesus…” Eddie groans and pushes Steve away. He grabs his left hand, though, pulls it close to his lips, kisses the ring on his finger. “When we get home, I’m gonna do anything you want, I swear.”
“But not here?” Steve pouts.
“Not now,” Eddie sighs. “But maybe if we can find a closet at camp…”
“Deal!” Steve smacks a kiss to his lips and rushes to straighten his hair and look presentable.
“You’re leaving me like this?” Eddie asks, gesturing down at the wet spot showing through his pants. “How am I gonna explain it?”
“You’ll just have to hide it,” Steve says as he walks to the door. “You’re the one who didn’t wanna fuck me here.”
“This is rude!” Eddie yells as Steve leaves the room.
There’s no answer, but Eddie quickly adjusts himself and makes sure his jersey is covering his front as much as possible.
When he makes it back into the locker room, Steve is talking with a few of the players while Rory is busy tossing a tennis ball back and forth with the equipment manager and goalies.
Steve looks over at him and winks.
Oh, Eddie’s gonna have a fucking field day with him when they’re alone.
#steddie#steve harrington#eddie munson#stranger things#birthday fic#bear hugs universe#hockey au#modern au#established relationship
97 notes
·
View notes
Note
Omg that last addition to the AC 141 was so cute!!! It just makes me wonder how badly they would freak out when their human misses when trying to catch a tarantula or scorpion and passes out from the sting… high risk high reward
previous
Soap rushes to the museum cafe when it happens, and finds the old lion at a corner table enjoying a cappuccino to some smooth jazz.
“Captain,” he pants, hands on his knees, “the human got stung.”
Price is unperturbed. He blows a little stream of cool air over his mug, eyes closed with pleasure. “Happened before, Soap. Just needs a little medicine, remember? They’ll be fine.”
“No, sir,” Soap gasps, “scorpion.”
A beat. For a moment, he thinks Price won’t react. He remains completely still, expression totally neutral—
Suddenly the lion flings the mug away, splashing an arc of coffee across the table, and then he’s moving fast, sprinting past an indignant, sputtering Brewster, and it’s all Soap can do after his mad dash to the museum to keep up. He doesn’t know exactly how Price knows which direction to run, but he figures it has something to do with the smartphone Price gave you when you first arrived—it hardly matters. They come upon you quickly, on the south side of the island, lying facedown in the grass and attended by Ghost and Gaz.
“Captain!” Gaz barks, visibly panicking. “They won’t wake up!”
Ghost is less flustered than the young wolf but equally distressed. “Price, we gotta do somethin’ fast, humans don’t take well to venom.”
“How the bloody hell did this happen?” Price growls. He gets on his knees to turn you over; you’re out cold, but still breathing easily.
“They were…” Gaz trails, looking bemused.
“Chasing it,” Ghost finishes. “With a net.”
Price blinks several times. He looks between the bear and the lion, and then at the horse. Soap raises both hands.
“What, are we supposed to stop them?” he demands. “You said we gotta let humans be humans, boss, sometimes they’re—well, er, they’re…”
“Mortally stupid,” Price supplies, bushy brows lowering. “Alright. Help me get ‘em home. They should be comfortable at least, while we figure out what to do.”
He says it perfunctorily, as if he’s ambivalent to your life or death, but when Price lifts your shoulders it’s the gentlest any of the 141 have ever seen him touch another living being. Ghost gets a hold on your legs, and between the two of them, with the younger animals following behind, they make it to your front doorstep.
Then—the moment they reach your door, like magic, your eyes suddenly pop open. It startles everyone so badly, Gaz and Soap jump back with shock.
“Price?” you say, blinking. “Ghost?”
“We’re here,” says the lion. “How do you feel, kid?”
“I’m fine,” you say. “What’s going on?”
“You passed out,” Ghost says. “We saw it happen—don’t you remember the scorpion?”
“Gave us a bloody heart attack!” Gaz cries.
“Ohhhh yeah,” you say. “Oh, I’m okay, guys. It’s not the first time it’s happened.”
Dead silence. Soap’s mouth drops open. Price is as still as a statue.
Ghost lets your feet drop to the ground. “Bloody fuckin’ hell.”
He turns away and stalks off, muttering under his breath. If you’re shocked by the profanity (a violation of another of Price’s many rules), you don’t show it.
“Thanks for bringing me home,” you say, looking innocently up to the lion. “I wanted to change my outfit anyway.”
Wordlessly, Price sets you down. You wave to the three remaining animals, and disappear inside.
“My house,” the lion says wearily. He appears as though he’s aged ten years in five minutes. “Someone get Ghost. I’m breaking out the whisky.”
97 notes
·
View notes
Text
try again (osamu miya x f!reader)
Prologue; the end of beginning
warnings: read at ur own risk, slightly ooc but for good plot purpose
10 years and 6 months going strong with Osamu Miya. It started as a silly middle school relationship being first years growing up together, getting teased a picked on by friends, being at all his volleyball games until high school even talks about “middle school sweethearts”, “I want something like Yn and Osamu” floating around the people in school.
Life was beautiful, it was youthful, full of happiness and reasons to live for, people to die for, planning the future underneath the stars, the scent of oranges from the tree you two would lay under since your guys’ first year of high school that you had found on your walk home that now had your initials engraved in it signifying the ever lasting love you two believed you had.
“The soulmates” as you two would say, the smell of cigarettes that lingered and mixed with the oranges from the tree in high school due to the stress of finals, and the will to try something new and being cool, whatever that was for you. The giggles and soft kisses between conversations from two of you that stayed between each other and the urges to run away and start a small family, The lazily drunk make outs at parties. The rush and excitement from sneaking out just to see each other more, the family dinners you shared, the late night ramen texts, the secret sleepovers, the one time Atsumu actually caught you sleeping over. The jealousy from Atsumu because he didn’t find love quite like your guys’. Moving into college together with him helping you set up your dorm room, him sleeping and almost living in your dorm, The amazing food he made for you on your periods, or stuff he’d take you in between classes to try, The ideas he had for his own business, the thought of him proposing after college. It was all a fever dream…
“Are you seriously running away from all of this just because you think you can’t grow without me anymore?” you say screaming next to the orange tree where it was once filled with love, now with hurt, tears and pain.
“Yn, come on, we’re not fucking kids any more, I can’t keep wasting my time.” Osamu was exasperated, running his fingers through strands of hair in annoyance.
“So what, Was this was all some fucking pastime for you till you felt it was convenient to let go?” you yell, hitting his chest in a fit of rage.
“Back away from me Yn, I’m doing this for me,” He huffed, stepping back.
“Okay but what about us? You promised me,” you dropped to the grass in tears.
“That was years ago,” He crossed his arms and looked away while pausing. “I don’t have time for your pity party, Yn.”
“You’re a fucking joke Osamu,” you paused, eyes narrowing in anger, “I fucking hate you, for ruining all that we built.”
The palm of your hand met his face, his eyes widen in shock.
“I don’t understand why you can’t see that this is the only choice we fucking have! It doesn’t matter what you want, we’ll never grow if we stay together— I’LL never grow. I’ll be stuck chasing stupid dreams with you forever, I don’t want that, not any more, not ever.” Osamu spits out meaningless words, clutching onto his cheek as his heart raced in a flurry of rage.
“I hope this is worth it, I hope all this pain you're putting us through is fucking worth it. I’ll check out of this relationship as well. You’re not the only one that can turn heartless Osamu Miya,” you muttered while walking away from him, not bothering to spare him one final glance.
You left for college abroad after your second year of university in Japan. After you broke up with Osamu, you knew you needed to change your life and put as much distance between the two of you, for the sake of your mind and heart. You knew yourself, you knew that you’d fall back into whatever it was that you had with him, whether you were sober or not. For the first time, you needed to pick yourself, just how he did himself.
taglist: @sahrii @dearru @gumims @angeleilee @istann @chloiyoomi
#osamu x y/n#osamu fluff#osamu angst#osamu x you#hq osamu#haikyuu osamu#osamu miya#miya osamu#osamu x reader
15 notes
·
View notes
Text
.
5 notes
·
View notes
Text
gahdamn being in a fandom for close to ten years makes a bitch forget vital canon information
#like gahdamn i just want to write i don’t want to second guess the mechanics of basic fandom knowledge every three seconds#to be fair the main saturation of fandom content doesn’t contain a lot of the canon info either so it#there’s less density in how much of it you’ll see#i really should refresh myself but it is kinda hard to dig around#utmv#undertale#ut au#sans aus#i love fanon stories so much and i love using canon ideas but listen i need to at least include canonicity to some extent in writing#*like including fanon* not canon#(when i write) or i’ll tweak so hard#stupid things like ‘where does dust sans respawn when a reset occurs’ (its his sentry station despite it being depicted as his bed often)#‘is it ever addressed that horror sans literally seemed to blow up someones head psychically’?’ (not to my knowledge)#why is color sans not god status again (i don’t fucking remember if he is or not$#can killer sans actually utilize save and reloads (from my understanding he only can in a universe that relies on those mechanics??)#but how far is to far removed#does killer even summon red knife magic bcs i think that’s not canon right#i’m pretty sure he just uses a physical fucking knife right????#is it ever explicitly explained how much Defense a monster might gain when they LV up or gain EXP or did i make that up in my head#IT DOESNT MATTER BUT IT MATTERS TO ME💔💔💔💔💔💔💔#ramblings#i love the multiverse#i fucking love just undertale#don’t even get me started on deltarune mechanics i’ll go on for hours
31 notes
·
View notes
Text
i’m so pressured with improving myself as an artist and it’s making me lose it because i’m not even doing art for my career but i love it so much. Like i kinda feel useless doing it sometimes, especially since i see other artists and i know damn well i will never achieve that level and im not saying this for people to feel pity but idk i feel like my art style doesn’t fit tr.???3! or like idk. Sometimes i’ll literally cry because i feel like my art style doesn’t fit rindou and she’s literally my muse, she’s the reason why i get so excited to sit down and draw everyday yet i feel like im just stuck sitting somewhere where i can’t do anything special to show my love for her and it sounds silly.. bc that’s a fictional character but still, ive liked this character for so long and i see improvement just from drawing rindou non stop but i still feel like im just barely touching the surface of improvement. Also i feel like i care too much about what others may like vs what i want to try and draw.. i want to draw her raw and literally how i perceive her, her character, her body, every single aspect of her and why she’s so important to me. Yet i can’t do that because i get so scared of the outcome/how my artwork looks/ how others will perceive it. And im not saying im not happy with my art, i am but there’s just ways i want to do it i feel like wont stick out to others which scares me or it will seem ooc of rindou. literally because of this i always have the urge to delete my account and restart and continue doing that till i feel like i perfected her yet i dont think that’ll ever happen even with how much love i have for that character
#this sounds fucking crazy just lock me up#this is a dumb rant#but it’s been on my mind for so long and i wanted to say it here since i’m a bit more comfortable on tumblr (barely)#i think i compare myself way too much with other artists who i guess draw characters crazy hot or smrh😭😭LOL which is like yeah duh everyone+#is gonna love that#but i don’t like drawing that stuff..!! at all yet i try sometimes because i know ppl like it but im like eughhh..#i dunno. Maybe it’s also because i just don’t see rindou as a dude so that fucks me over at the same time#i liked rindou ever since ???? the stupid ass debut just because i thought her design was cool#and i’m still not happy how i can’t draw her like how i would like to#at the same time i am but i know damn well im rlly not#which is why i always try to draw her with scenery or just doing simple things i dunno.. i think its sweet. I want to see her just live#and i feel like im very repetitive with my art which im trying to be less of but its hard obviously no matter how much i practice ill +#still want to draw how i’m used to
11 notes
·
View notes
Text
grabs my computer screen and starts shaking it how to cure gender dysphoria HOW TO CURE GENDER DYSPHORIA
#kidding theres no way to fix it when it’s like this#everything i’d normally do to alleviate it makes it worse when it’s this bad#because it’s like wow look at you trying so embarrassingly hard to not look disgusting and failing miserably#i had to cancel my plans yesterday and today because girl i can’t go outside when i feel like this i can’t even get out of bed#looking at myself makes me want to VOMIT why do i look like this#i look back on old pictures of myself and try to work out what was different back then so i can replicate it#but people say i look exactly the same in those photos as i do now#and i remember taking those old photos and feeling ugly and dysphoric back then too#if i lean back into my more cis look i’ll get gendered correctly again which i want#but i don’t like playing cis man it’s not who i am and it makes me feel weird and gross#i just hate what i look like no matter what i do to my appearance#every single part of my physical self makes me feel really ill and anxious and bad and guilty#there’s not a single bit of me i can stand to look at when i feel like this#i feel like everyone who has ever seen me thinks i’m disgusting and ugly and horrible to look at#and i want to like hide forever but i can’t#it’s so hard to function like this#i hate everything about me so much#someone affirm my stupid dumb ass gender right fucking now i’m going to die
9 notes
·
View notes
Text
I would like it if I was good at things
#soph’s posts#I’m literally a main character and I still feel fucking stupid whenever I’m onstage#Because I’m fat. So no matter how good I get no one will ever want to watch me dance except to laugh at me#Maybe it would all just get better if I stopped eating so fucking much#Or maybe I’m just a big fat failure of a human being who nobody is ever going to take seriously#I don’t think I’ll ever do a musical again#Anyway I have to stop crying before I get to my grandma’s house 🤪
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
thrilling sequel to my poll from back in January
#I wish I was kidding about the eulogy one. I really wish I was#decisions decisions. who to chose#the people I actually like…?? or the people who like me?#these are so stupid I love making them.#bbge polls#bbge.text#more info on each#bc I want to yap abt em#1 - PLEASE return my calls… this girl was so kind and gentlemanly and we had suchhhh awesome chemistry#she goes to an Ivy League so it could be she’s just hella busy w work not ghosting me#I hope it’s that I really liked her :’)#2 - I actually did ask him out. kinda indirectly . and casually. too casually bc now neither of us have brought it up again#he makes me so happy to be around 😭 it makes me kinda emotional#he’s just like… sHOCKING and endearing and never the same#I love him unfortunately no matter what. as a human#3 - SAME FOR HERRRR OMG :( my beloved.#no one has ever been kinder to me maybe.#‘British’ is a downside here bc that means v long distance and . also bc I thought it would be funny to count as a point against her lol#we met during the summer and I miss being around her every day#4 - OKAY. we TOTALLY have chemistry and NOO ONE has acknowledged it. but it’s THERE every time we talk.#and I’ve never really had that w somebody before in this way idk 🫥#I accidentally referred to her as my ‘partner’ when our party members were teamed up together to do something and it was probably FINE but#it sounded so romantic I got embarrassed asf#she can probably tell I like her I don’t think I’m slick 😭😭#and I feel like she might like me too? or we just get along real well I’m not sure#bc we get along like. REALLY well#5 - I stare at her all the time… she is stunning. she writes great poems. soft spoken in this incrediblyyyyy endearing way#I worked up the courage to talk to her n get her number for WEEKS!!!! and then. nothing lol#6 - he’s a great conversationalist… and I know he’s single….. but he also likes Quentin Tarantino like. abnormal amounts idk#shit . I’m out of tags. for the rest uhhh use ur imagination bye :)
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
i’m gonna be so for real, if things don’t start changing for me in good ways i will be disappearing off the face of the earth
#Rasp Rambles#vent#my mental health is already in a shitty state and i am already considering multiple different ways to end my own fucking life#suicide mention#like i’m genuinely hanging on by the thinnest fucking thread only because i have friends that care about me. i don’t want any of them to be#sad about me dying. i’d say the same for my family but i don’t they ever have really given a shit about me so what does it matter.#i’ve been forced to be the perfect; quite child my entire fucking life and that was never good enough. i had to be kind and respectful#even though none of the adults in my family ever really were that to me. and the ones who were didn’t stay that way for long. it truly#sucks so fucking badly that i can’t get away from any of them. i don’t have a job because mental health issues; some physical health issues#and my lack of drivers license and car. i can’t financially support myself. i never get to fucking leave the house and go anywhere but the#store or my grandparent’s house with my mom and sister. i have ONE irl friend who i’m not even sure considers me a friend because#we haven’t gotten to hang out much since i graduated in 2023. i have practically no fucking support system in the physical world.#i don’t get to do fun things i enjoy that aren’t internet related besides drawing. but artblock and general depression are doing their#damn best to prevent me from even enjoying the creative process at all. one may think its difficult to feel lonely when you’re living in a#house with at least one other person but its fully fucking possible apparently. for me at least. i really wish my mom would actually get me#a therapist or psychiatrist i can see in person but we all know that’ll never fucking happen because again; she doesn’t fucking care enough#to make any actually helpful attempts to get me medicated for whatever the fucks going on in this stupid head of mine.#sorry for being incredibly fucking depressed and mad at 3am. it will happen again unfortunately for all of us.
5 notes
·
View notes
Text
.
#the sun went down at 4 pm and I am once again having an existential crisis#I went to a bookstore and saw stupid romance book covers and started thinking about how I’m probably gonna ‘die alone’#whatever the fuck that means#I don’t KNOW okay I don’t know if I’m aromantic or just too traumatized and avoidant to be capable of intimacy. but I have no friends and#I’m lonely as fuck#and I don’t want to date but I want someone to be committed to me and I want someone to fuck but I don’t trust people and I#am pretty sure if I fucked someone I would burst into tears bc of how long its been since I’ve been touched#I want a family. like that is one thing I know for sure I don’t know exactly what that even means or looks like#but I want a FAMILY. and not the one I was born with#I don’t mean kids I mwan commitment and fucking. People#and the universe is not on my fucking side girl. she’s not I don’t care what you say#I thought I had a found family in college and look where that is now. dust#and I’m 25 years old#and I’m missing so many milestones#and maybe it doesn’t matter maybe dating and fucking do not give you worth yeah yeah okay#but this is not the life I thought I would have at this age. and I feel like I should be entitled to grieve that#not like I want to. I want to be normal and I want to be over it.#to be perfectly fucking honest. I wish I could wake up tomorrow#and fall in love with someone and have a boring normal happily ever after.#I wish I could be the person who’s capable of that and I know that’s a naive and childish and unwoke desire to have#but I’m just being so real with you chief. I do not know how to live in this world being who I am.#and I don’t want to fucking be alone.#not because it makes me less worthy but because I’m just fucking sick of being lonely. okay.#anyway. I’m probably deleting this#p
8 notes
·
View notes
Text
#writers/authors what do you think#i’m being stupid right#do we agree#somebody make the decision for me#i make stupid financial decisions and need someone to yell at me#i’m not even sure if i’m ever going to share what i’m writing so why does it matter#poll#writing poll
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
wishing i never tried to get an autism diagnosis
#it’s been almost two months since i got it and i’m just so angry with myself#why did i do that. what was the point#ig i thought it would make me few butternut instead i feel worse#and it’s just a reminder how much i despise psychology and psychiatry and therapy#the way once you get a diagnosis nothing you ever say matters and can be attributed to the stupid fucking dsm number#and talking to a shrink is like talking to a wall#and how therapy is literally just a stupid fucking scam#bc no amount of talking to someone you don’t really know who’s only listening to you bc you pay them is going to solve anything#and when you ask what therapy can do you only get vague gestures in response#oh it’ll help! how? what will it give me exactly?#'skills' what skills#and then you get blamed if sth doesn’t help bc ‚you’re not trying’ or 'it would work if you wanted it to’#i need to kms as soon as possible i think#anyway. you guys wouldn’t believe what triggered this#📓
6 notes
·
View notes
Text
I’ll be like “fuck capitalism you owe nothing to you job workers of the world unite” but then HR at my job will tell me I’m “an exemplary employee” and I’ll be giggling and kicking my feet.
#it’s so stupid !#every day I pride myself on being good at every job I’ve ever had no matter how bad they treat me and everyday I have a crisis over it .#idk it’s the first job I’ve ever had that even has HR like everything I’ve done before is so just like. you know the owner.#so it’s fucking weird being good at being a cog in the machine#we very much need to unionize though for real#sorry I’m just thinking out loud in the tags at this point this post is so nothing#fuck off feliks
6 notes
·
View notes
Text
Essentially what it is all boiling down to is I have fully realized I am bad at being a person, that will always be true, and I don’t know how to handle that
#I’m going to be depressing and self depreciating in the tags so. fair warning to anyone who reads them#I’ve known for a while now that I don’t know what to do with my life. I’ve thought of a few ideas but none of them seem to be working. and I#think a good chunk of what it’s boiling down to is that I am quite literally just stupid when it comes to an actual useful real life skills.#and it’s frustrating because I can’t even talk to ppl I know and confide in them that I feel dumb and stupid without them being like ‘nooooo#don’t say that! you’re not stupid! you were top of your class in hs!’ (that is their favorite thing to fall back on) but like. the thing is#I wasn’t even smart in hs. sure I did good but that’s because I cheated my way through and got lucky a lot. I never actually learned anythin#I never understood what I was being taught or how to apply it. I was good at English and art classes and that was it those were the only one#I truly felt I knew what I was doing in and grasped the subject matter well. I know I’m good at those two things and smart when it comes to#those subjects. but the thing is. in real life. both of those are useless skills. I can’t make money with them and it is highly unlikely#that will ever change. and yes I know not being able to make money with it doesn’t mean it’s useless but like it kinda does. capitalism#sucks. I know that. we all do. but that doesn’t change that we live in a capitalist society and it’s unlikely to actual change in my lifetim#so I’m stuck to try and figure out how to live in it. but I have no skills I can make money with so I will live my entire life poor and#miserable and working dead end jobs that make me want to kill myself. I’m not good at socialization I’m so fucking bad at it so I can’t work#any kind of job that hinges on networking or sales or human interaction which is MOST JOBS but I’m also too stupid for anything related to#STEM. I tried two different stem degrees and flunked out of both of them because I am a FUCKING IDIOT and I know there’s no point in trying#to go back to school for another one. but no degree in anything I naturally have a knack for will help me find a decent well paying job. ill#just be wasting my money to go to school for something like that. and then like. I don’t even think I’ll ever get married and I def won’t#ever have kids. so I can’t even put any hopeful stock in just being happy with a family one day. I know a lot of ppl who don’t like their#careers but they’re fine with that because they’re happy with their family but like I don’t even have that and I won’t ever have that. I#have NOTHING to strive for and NOTHING I am good at that’s meaningful I’m going to fail at having a career and a family and I know that#doesn’t mean I won’t be happy in theory but by societal standards I am and always will be a fucking failure of a person and since I do live#in this society yeah. it’s kinda fucking true. and I don’t know what to do about that. I’m just tired. I’m tired of being afraid and#struggling and going through patches of wanting to kill myself because of this because like what’s the point. I’ll never have anything#better so what in the actual hell is the point of me existing. and I know I’m being ridiculous and my brain is eating itself and none of#this is probably even true but that doesn’t change that it FEELS like it is a lot of times and esp right now and I don’t know what to do#to anyone who reads this I’ll be fine tbh prob as soon as tomorrow like dw about it I just need to get it out so I stop stewing in it.#I’m just. yeah. not having a great time rn but I left work so I’m gonna cry and then maybe sleep for a bit and hope that helps#kaz rambles
3 notes
·
View notes