#I’m so serious how depressing
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lol everyone I know is posting their “year in review!” Posts on Instagram and I’m like damn most months I don’t have even one important photo to choose for the month (or I didn’t take a picture), let alone four pics
#I’m so serious how depressing#there are 3 months where I could post something#August being the most exciting#in February I saw ONF#in August I went to Anirevo and my friend’s bridal shower and bachelorette (three different events woo!)#and in September it was her beautiful wedding and it was my first time being a bridesmaid#other than that….i ain’t really got almost any pics of anything special
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he occasionally flirts and proud of it.
his way of flirt is so smooth that we don't even have the time to react.
why does he look so glowing in the event? is it the impact of not seeing him for more than a year?
(still heizou)
he is one of the smoothest flirts known to mankind, yeah. you’re just having a conversation and then he says… something, which completely stuns you and sends you reeling, either in its shamelessness or genuineness, and he carries on as if it’s nothing while you’re left questioning whether you imagined it or not.
and it’s worth remembering that just because he flirts and compliments a lot doesn’t mean those comments lose any value over time. it might look like he’s simply being a sweet-talker for his lover, but everything he says, he absolutely believes to be true; he’s not one to flatter somebody for the sake of flattery. and so the reason he flirts and compliments as much as he does is simply because he sees that much goodness in his lover, and archons be damned if they don’t know how much he admires them.
and that last note about the event… literally. 100%. could not agree more. he’s, like… actually beautiful? stunning? gorgeous? i look at him admittedly quite a lot when playing genshin, so there hasn’t been an absence of seeing him in-game on my part, but you’re absolutely right about him somehow being so radiant in the event. like. he’s actually so pretty. how. why. and more importantly, why has it been almost a year and a half since we experienced this radiance, hoyoverse?
#maybe it’s the angles?#the close-ups of his face?#the character animations during dialogue?#not to mention DIALOGUE#HE SPEAKS!#maybe it’s the fact he’s smiling more? i’ll never understand why his resting expression in his playable model looks so depressed and seriou#whereas in the event and dialogue he’s smiling quite a lot so that could be it?#i don’t know#i’m quite frankly just happy to see him exist again#shikanoin heizou#heizou x reader#man i love him#it’s embarrassing how much self-insertion i do while thinking about/writing for him#he’s so dreamy actually#sent: anon#r answers
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the holidays make me so sad grrrrr…..anyways merry christmas <3
#trying not to unalive myself and i’m being so serious#fuck#i truly hate how my depression just amplifies during this time#anyways….yeah#✭・۪ ⊹ ֗ ray rambles
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i’m not fucking kidding. i felt sick and shaky and i did not get a single moment of sleep the entire night because of that fucking izzy clip
#izzy hands#ofmd#help#somethings wrong with me with how much these fictional pirates matter to me#worst day ever i had so much to do and i got no sleep and spent the entire day in a strange depressed haze#i’m being entirely serious. i wasn’t kidding when i said i wasn’t kidding#not a WINK of sleep it literally kept me up the entire night fucking spiralling in anxiety#ofmd s2 spoilers
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My 2025 resolutions:
Don’t die unless it’s unavoidable
No fucking impulse buying! No! Fucking! Impulse buying!!!
Travel more (which means travel at all)
Read more and be on my phone less
#might have to cancel my credit card and delete several apps in order to achieve number 2 but i don’t care#i will do what needs to be done#i haven’t left the county all year. before you get shocked i do mean yorkshire. the largest county in the country#and i’ve been all over the place within this radius. just not even been to like.. lancashire#i mean why would you though#i don’t know how i will quantify read more and be on my phone less because i turned off my screentime thing because it was depressing#i’ll set a higher page goal in storygraph#i did think about putting ‘get back into writing’ as a goal but honestly i haven’t really stopped?#i mean i haven’t written anything serious but i have Written#i vetoed 52 book goal because i always exceed it so there’s not much point in setting it#i’m not setting learn a martial art as a goal because i might learn pole instead#and honestly not gonna lie i am not massively enthused about doing anything with this friend who wants to work out with me#but i feel like i owe it to both of us not to let my oldest friendship die#at least all the legal stuff is over now#personal
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~ ~ ~
#feeling depressed and I can’t tell if it’s because I’m hormonal from my period or having valid issues and concerns#been feeling unfulfilled in my relationship lately for many reasons and so that’s been giving me a rough time#partner has adhd and so do I but theirs is much worse and they’re not on meds for it yet and the dysfunction is causing problems#I want to be understanding but it’s interfering with plans and it’s always on me to change direction for us and figure out something else#at a certain point in life not paying bills because you forgot from adhd is a serious and annoying issue and not a valid excuse anymore#but it’s not my bills or money so what can I say about it#and I want to talk to my bestie and vent but having problems with him too and it feels like he only wants to talk to me if hes bored at work#only wants to hang if it’s convenient or if he wants/needs something from me#so I’ve been feeling used and not really cared for so it’s kind of like what would be the point in trying to call him#I know he won’t answer the phone anyway since most of the time when I call he ignores me so why bother#but then I just don’t have anyone to talk to or get advice from or anything#so I feel very stuck and alone and like I just need to get feelings out but I don’t know how or what to do about it#and all of this is compounded by hormones and mood swings so how much of these problems are real and how much are just my period?#I just don’t know the answer and that makes things even more difficult to deal with#personal
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life is falling through my fingers more that usually
#i’ve been in a pretty much constant state of panic since january#and it’s gotten worse recently bc of 1. thesis writing (or lack thereof)#2. administrative problems at uni that i caused due to the constant state of anxiety and depression#like whyyyy do things like going to the uni office send me spiraling like nothing else#and i’ve been feeling weird and disconnected for a while now and nothing seems to interest me anymore#like i’m light headed in the worst way and i think if one thing goes badly i’ll genuinely fall down crying#and i can’t seem to do anything productive bc of the anxiety either#ok i checked usos. the administrative problem got more or less solved#oh thank god#i love depression loveee it love causing problems for myself that i later have to bother other people about bc i can’t solve them by myself#esp when you have to admit to them that mental illness is what caused them bc even when they’re sympathetic and nice about it i still feel#like such a pathetic idiot my god#also i’ve been thinking a lot abt how a pattern that repeats in my life is the lack of closure#from silly things to more serious ones#like how i didn’t attend my elementary school graduation nor the hs one#the first one bc of travelling and the second bc of covid#so i just closed my laptop and then went to pick up my diploma after matura results and that was it i never saw any of my teachers or#thanked them etc#and how all my friendships that died out were this kind of sudden drop like nothing happened but we just stopped talking one day and that#was it and idk where we stand#and how i seem to leave loose threads everywhere i go and i can’t tell if it’s just a coincidence or if i do that on purpose but#unconciously so as to not have to deal with things ending bc that scares me#i’ve never felt grounded in any moment and it’s so strange#also yeah yeah weird behaviour meant to save me from abandonment whatever#📓#niedziela wieczór i humor popsuty co mogę powiedzieć
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not to be all typical teenage “i hate my parents” but do they just lose all sense of empathy the second they turn 50? is that like. a thing?
#when i tell you i don’t want you to ask my sister and her friend to leave i’m being fucking serious#don’t just think you know better and do whatever the fuck you want#also why do they assume you’re always lying or hiding something#i don’t want you to look through my phone cause i want fucking privacy like everyone else#kids are human beings too how is this a hard concept to grasp#and it so much worse when you’re mentally ill#like maybe i don’t wanna make dinner cause i’m fucking depressed not cause i’m lazy#and it’s also so different when you’re percieved female versus male#my brother will sit in his chair and play the same game for 8 hours straight and then take the trash out once and somehow be deemed more#productive than me even though i cleaned the kitchen and again im fucking depressed and autistic and hes neurotypical
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#also I really need to just find a new therapist#bc how dare mine retire on me like that. miss them so much#but I have life questions I really need to talk through#and idk if it’s bc I’m so depressed that I couldn’t be triggered or bc I’m really handling things differently now#also I’m having the craziest dreams lately and I loved talking about those w my therapist#ughhhhhh I hope they’re enjoying retired life tho bc I wish that was me rn#highly considering leaving the country and all my bills w it too lmfao#hhahaHaaaaaAaaaAahhhhhh!!!!#yeah man idk. I’m just kinda over taking anything that serious ever again bc why#anyways.
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Ok ummmmmm btw if you love me at all send me book recs bc I’m going to the book store tomorrow and need to stock up books to sit on my floor and stare at me for months while I proceed to just reread things from my childhood
#this is a serious plea though#I need lots of suggestions bc who knows how many I will find#I take any suggestions#more likely to pick up fantasy or regular fiction#esp if it’s got a unique storyline#esp if it’s not too romantic#esp if it’s not too too depressing and heavy#but I’m open to anything#kestrel calls#text post#chitter chatter#books I’ve read and enjoyed recently#include radio silence / the house in the cerulean sea / pride and prejudice#um also the green gatsby and I liked the vibes of all the crooked saints#my favorite books are still percy Jackson and pride and prejudice#I’ve read like 15 books in the past 4 years so you can recommend pretty much anything
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the older i get the more i realise how young 12/13 actually is. it’s fucking crazy and i was so crazy at that age? like what happened? and now i’m like - well i’m crazy, YEAH, just on a this-is-who-i-am level, but when i was that age i was like insane. and a lot of people say this about being 13 but i was REALLY insane. my early adolescence was like… batshit. not my life just how i felt what i did. i suppose honestly it makes sense when you look at the years PRIOR to that but like. jesus. 13 is so little
#i was literally a fucking baby.#and everything was soooo serious life or fucking death!#my god i am glad i was so mildly useless back then. if i’d been a little more effective❌❌#normally people r like oh yeah when i was 15 i was so depressed and yeah 15 wasnt an awesome age for me but like😭being 13/14 was something#else. idk how to even explain it if you haven’t felt it and i don’t rly WANT to#i suppose the diff is i’m still like “mentally ill” but just in a basic somethings-a-bit-fucked-up way#being 13 was a fist fight with my brain and boy i sure was losing!#then like i hit 14 and a half and that just faded away i was still crazy don’t get me wrong but i wasn’t in a battle 24/7 to survive more#like in a battle to not be crazy.#IDK. maybe it’s the trans thing😘#oliver talks
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It’s been a rough couple of weeks. Anxiety run amok. Tried to distract myself by playing through Super Mario Bros, but I’ll be honest, that was stressing me out pretty bad trying to get through some of those levels. Unrelated but coincidentally (tangentially?), after an intense bit of playing, my anxiety flared up majorly. Heart racing, skin painfully prickled, lungs failing me. Oh well. That’s what drugs are for. So instead I started Death Stranding, which my little brother gifted me for Christmas a couple of years back but I just never got around to committing to. Much better choice. It feels like the perfect distraction for me right now. Frankly, I’m lonely. I feel cut off from the world. I’m scared and anxious and I have no idea what the future holds for me, but it feels bleak. So it’s nice to pop into this little world where you’re trying to make connections and explore the world, even if it is just a video game. It’s giving me something positive to focus on right now.
I just thought I’d make a text post. Mention a game I like. Just folded some laundry, I’m on my 3rd bowl of cereal right now, and I’ll do some dishes when I’m done. Trying to keep on moving forward. More bullshit in the tags.
#my anxiety has cleared up quite a bit these past few days#but now I’m trying to go without klonopin so we’ll see how that lasts#and I have an audiologist appointment tomorrow so that might be a big source of depression and anxiety#can’t wait to roll in there at 8:30 in the morning just to be told AGAIN that my hearing is just fucked and can’t be helped#which… is what I expect… I just wish there was more… empathy? sympathy? something soothing behind their words.#I also finally scheduled a therapy appointment but it’s not for a couple of weeks 😕#taking care of yourself sucks!#anyway things are okay right now right here in this moment. I’ll deal with the rest as it comes I suppose#I was getting way too serious with super mario#I play on a snes mini and even with custom save states I was getting too stressed out. it was bad for my health.#which sounds like an over exaggeration but it just wasn’t fun after awhile#but Death Stranding is awesome. even just the walking parts I love#I love seeing other players’ contributions to the world. all the random signs and structures they put up.#I don’t know what else to add to all of this#I really thought I’d have more exciting tags than this#this isn’t important#you can ignore this#text
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Intense debate going on here. 🚬🐺
#re-l mayer from ergo proxy vs eridan and my s/i#probably tie realistically speaking but it all depends on who is armed or not lmfao#tbf I have depression amnesia about ergo proxy so I can’t. quite remember how serious the horrors were maybe a slight step down from nge#idk smh I think I’m cooked…#polls
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had such a horrifying dream last night. i dreamed my mom died and it felt so real and it was such a long dream. in this dream we were living in an apartment and i was somewhere else for the weekend. and i got the news. i’d never felt that kind of emotional pain before, it’s like physically heavy. my dad and brother helped me with the preparations, so i never saw her dead body. i was terrified of going into the apartment and see her. when i went back, it was empty. i remember glancing over her room and seeing her light blue pajamas on the bed and i just couldn’t stop crying. this is when i woke up, i couldn’t believe it had been a dream bc it truly felt so so real. i just remember lying there shedding tears, half awake, and what hurt most was this overwhelming realization of how lonely my mom was. no friends, having to make a life for herself and me on her own, in the dream she died alone too… i just can’t bear it. i feel so selfish and guilty
#i fell asleep again and it CONTINUED. but at some point in the dream i woke up ? and went downstairs and saw her alive and i was so#so so relieved#she’s been sick lately and it’s nothing serious. so far at least. but i’m still scared#i hate seeing her sick so much. i wish i could do something but i’m so useless#and of course thinking abiut my job makes me cry too because it feels like this shit is stealing the time i could be spending with her#i dont know how to explain how depressed it makes me feel. i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it
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youtube
If she stops making content because of all this, I storm the capital by myself
#in all seriousness this was so depressing to watch#like I really feel her on how Everything just feels different now yk?#at the same time#if all the sudden she starts a serious acting career and her power only grows!!!#scenarios!#kat blaque#she’s honestly been such a consistent voice for progressive politics without even asking for acknowledgment for it ever#really genuinely hope she just prioritizes herself whatever that means!!#election 2024#also she looos so good here I’m sorry it had to be said#Youtube
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https://www.tumblr.com/maiteo/767055988556808192/to-make-matters-even-worse-even-the-club-doctors
Nooo don’t apologise I feel the same. I dont even know what to say I feel sick to my stomach and scared. Scared not only of how many people are defending but the people that are defending him. How the fuck is a doctor encouraging him to have unprotected sex whilst knowing he’s carrying an std??? How is a woman, who’s supposed to be safeguarding officer, defending a r*pist and laughing at the expense of a woman that’s been abused. This is fucking sick and twisted
right it’s gross, I’m glad that we have that petition going around but I wish the ones I’ve seen before have gained more traction tbh, or at least more of a collective push to put more pressure on the club
even now seeing ppl defend him and claim that ppl who point out how sick this entire situation “don’t care about the club” makes me even more sick. there’s no way in hell you think any type of “improvements” mean ignoring serious and disturbing issues like this…especially as we’re watching it unfold in front of us like cmon on
#answered#just like the anons I’ve gotten defending arteta….all these ppl kys I’m being so serious#it’s gonna be a long while before I feel comfortable being a fan of this club…not just publicly but privately as well#I was looking at posts I’ve liked and ones in my drafts and I just🧍🏽♀️I felt nothing for none of them….how depressing#anyways I’m all over the place idk if I’m making sense#but I also hope you’re doing well ik all this shit really takes a toll…sending my love n hugs your way fr🫂❤️
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