#I’m screaming into the void here. ADHD.

[achildsfirstsorrow]

I have Erik brainrot as per usual and cannot stop thinking about Nivek Ogre. Yes I’ve posted something like this before but does anyone else see my vision.

Also here’s younger Nivek w/ his pet possum he had.

[aspenonpawzzz]

HENLO! (pls read )

Hi-hi-hi!

My name is Aspen! I’m the host of the Canis Constellation. My pronouns are They/them and It/its, so please use gender-neutral, non human terms when refering to me! I am a TransAlterine Omniromantic Asexual, and support All identities (except p3d0s, z0()s, maps, dreamsexuals, or other thing such as those!) NO POLITICS PLEASE (alterine https://yb3.fandom.com/wiki/Alterine)

term hoard sideblog: @aspens-hoard

ASPEC MAFIA COMMANDER!

@aspec-warriors Mafia acc

I am :

a Leo, a 5, a chaotic nutural, introvert ,and a INTJ, plus a red fox, Mexican coy-wolf, and AA wolf THERIAN!

I Mostly shitpost/reblog, but my main theme is The owl house, alterhuman, fandom and art posts!

I have dislexia, discalucla, and disgraphia, along with AuDHD, triocotillamania and MaDD. I’m a median gateway system, with a Monoconscious! I still use I/me but also we/us!

Our system side blog is @canis-constellation

I am a vulture culturist, mask maker,a cosplayer, a quadrobist, a fanfic writer, a fan artist, and my aesthetic is Goblincore and cryptidcore!

my favs:

-turn off the lights (panic! at the disco) {IT GOES SO HARD}

-green

-Oh geeez, not again. (band)

-wolfwalkers

-the owl house

-Spirit of the north

-wild rescuers

-fox

-taiga

Questioning cryptid kin of some kind, possibly Runalong!

I AM A MINOR, SO NO FUNNY BUSINESS

Our Alters!

✨🌳 aspen |15.5 mentally| {they/it} [Madd, AuDHD] /Omniromantic ace\ ' “human”/ Alterhuman’ <The Creator,Multiversal vessel>

💦💫 Polaris |400| {They/them} [Madd] /Aroace\ 'divine being' <Sentinel of the stars, they the divine>

briar 🪶🥀 |16| {They/Them} [ADHD] /Asexual Aromantic\ ‘Grimwalker’  <Silver scout>

Hunter/phantom🪶🐺{He/they/it/canine themed neos} |16| [Autism, C-PTSD] /Biromantic Asexual\ 'shapeshifting grimwalker' <He who guards, The Golden Guard, It who transforms>

Hycan 🐺🔩 {He/it, } |16/17| [Autism] /aroace\ ‘human’ it does have a animatironic form but it prefers human form (credit to @wolfsnooze for AU) <None currently>

Salem 🔪 🩸 |13.5| {it/Its, ok with masc terms} [Sociopathy, Unable to feel Love (A-spec)] /Aroace\ 'Void-kin'  <Death, It who comes for all, Grim-reaper>

River 🌊🐺|16.3| {it/they/wolf themed neos} [Autism] /omni ace\ ‘werewolf’ (in qpr/relationship with phantom) <none currently>

Information :

tags:

aspen yips: silly stuff

aspen speaks (REAL): importiant

aspen barks: alterhuman stuff

aspen squeals: fandom/ hyperfixtion

aspen crows: neurodivergency

aspen howls: creative

[instert word or something]] Au: a au of mine Phantom posting: fictionkin/ hunter related stuff

screaming into the void: system stuff.

AU MASTERLIST

DNI:

anti-lgbtq+, people who ship canon (insert sexuality) with (instert gender that the person is NOT attracted to) ei, a lesbian with a male, anti-furry,anti-therian,anti-vulture culture,anti-quadrobics, 18+ or kink blogs, if you’re older that 18(unless I knew you before you turned 18, or pass The Vibe Check{stalk ur blog}) , ableists, racists, exculionist, The works.

PLEASE INTERACT:

Alterhumans (Therians, otherkin, otherkith, otherhearted, animal hearted,otherlink,copinglink, furrians[furry therians], holotheres, soul shards, phytanthropes, and ANY OTHERS PLEASE ) furries, TOH or gf fans, artists and writers and cosplayers and musicains, freaks and werdios, vulture culturists, quadrobists, mogia and liom, enbies and enbyfluxes, fictionkins and fictives, systems,LGBTQIA+and people with decency.

PLEASE DO NOT:

treat me lesser/younger than you, treat me like a child, call me human, or person/people, talk Abt politics ,or involve me in such matters, repost(reblogging is fine) my ideas.

RANDOM OTHER BLOG RULES

This is a "Ship and let ship" blog. only exceptions are "insert orenation" with "a gender orenation is NOT attracted to" , Minor with not minor, [age] with [ age more than 2-3 years apart] aroace with anyone, bully x victim (ie bochlow) villian x hero with in certain bounderies, ab#sive or toxic ships, or proships.

NO HATING/DISSING ON OTHERS SHIPS. ANY WILL BE BLOCKED.

any aggressive hating/ threats will be blocked. only z0()s, n3cr0s, p3d0s, and other harmful “philia”s are allowed to be hated on here. if you support/are these, find help and leave this blog. this is not for you.

gatekeeping is not allowed. at all.

support of KOSA and other things like this is not allowed.

take your discorse and politics elsewere. this is a fun blog for fun stuff.

I am a minor, if +18 dni unless I, a trusted person, or a mewtual vet your blog.

I WILL SPAM LIKE AND REBLOG.

I use tonetags.

I AM ONLINE 7-2:50 ON THE WEEK, EXCEPT TUESDAY, WHICH IS 8-10, then 1-3.

Biggest Mewtual- @justalexisfine

I CAN SEE RUNALONGS!

‼️If you request anything,(pfp especially) CREDIT ME‼️

THANK YOU FOR COMING TO MY BLOG! <3

[typingatlightspeed]

Okay forgive me for being sappy here but I still can’t believe how lucky I was to be into tf2 now instead of like four years ago. Imagine coming across this awesome series and when you reach the bottom it just. Stops. It stopped and ended with red demo and blu Solly only sort of making up and the rest of the gang are just gone and you’ll never know what happened to them. And you leave the fandom eventually and wouldn’t ever know that BANG six years later you come back with vacation all I ever wanted and everything’s back again, you get to see these characters again and write and head canon and think up scenarios in bed for them again. And I didn’t even have to go through the six “weh this series is dead” years.

So yeah. I’m lucky I think

I felt like such a villain for years because of this, no longer able to write and screaming into the void about it. I lost my sex drive, my passion, and myself, all because of a cluster of unusual side effects of my medication (methylphenidate HCL, aka ritalin), which because they were such unusual side effects (literally the polar opposite of every common side effect) my doctor thought were hormonal issues related to my birth control for YEARS. Constant retooling and dialing in of those meds and completely ignoring that my ritalin was barely doing what it was supposed to do and doing everything to give me literal dysphoria because I was no longer the person I had been my entire fucking life. It was affecting my marriage a lot, too, making my husband doubt my attraction to him. It was hell.

When a friend of mine posted her experience starting ADHD meds after 40, and described how dramatic it was, like flicking a switch, I realized that my meds were not doing what they were supposed to do. So I talked to my doctor and suggested I go off of them, see where I'm at, and maybe try a different med from there. She was like hell yeah make sure you have a day or two off of work in case you feel like dogshit when you go off (I did lol). Two days later I wrote Ain't Seen Nothin' Yeti. The first fiction piece I'd written in six fucking years. I did a lot of crying.

I've rebounded so much, (a bit more than I was before in ways that make my husband very secure in his attractiveness lmao) and I've decided not to bother trying more meds. At least not right now. And since then it's been an explosion of the stories I've wanted to write for years but couldn't, and it feels so good.

The big thing is, though, during those years I stopped checking Ao3, because I felt so guilty that I was sure there were going to be bitter messages asking where I'd gone, why I hadn't updated, or worse, anger over it. So I didn't look. After I put out Ain't Seen Nothin' Yeti, I worked up my courage and checked my Ao3 inbox.

It was an outpouring of love, joy, laughter, and yes lamentations that there isn't more, that it stopped, but no anger, no bitterness, no blame, just oh man I hope someday there's more I love this so much.

And that meant the world to me. I did a lot of crying.

So yeah, you did get lucky. And so did I; that I could come back and keep writing and keep telling these stories. <3 I just hope that anyone who loved thes stories can find out that I'm back.

[chaotic-idiots]

hai

this blog is run by @brodiedoesthings, @be-cat-do-crime, @nothingf-i-s-h-yhere, @elizarivers, @sleepy-boything-shit, and @oceaniddoesstuff if he wants to anything for this lmao

we now also have @mystic-mae on here, so that's fun :3

anyways dni if your homophobic, transphobic, ableist, bigoted, racist, all that kinda stuff

but pretty much just chill and have fun while we fuck around

let's see everyone's introduction below now

chat put your intros here

hola pendejos im fish! aka @nothingf-i-s-h-yhere im a menace who likes men a lot for someone who is technically bi. i got autism and adhd so thats real fun! i like tf2 and gmod and the such. my tag is "#the fish speaks" also im taken! so no. you cant date me!

Opa! Eaê? I'm Emme, A.K.A. @h4rdw4r3-k1d. I'm an enby-demi-femboy from the Pátria Amada, Brazil, I'm AuDHD, and I'm a writer. And though I'm not the greatest technician that's ever lived or anything, I'm into hardware and software, especially Linux, and I'm REALLY into the aesthetic. My tag is "#beep boop" as I am indeed, a compupiter. And that's it for my intro. Te vejo.

g'day mate! im brodie, aka @brodiedoesthings, im a bi femboy, who might be enby, not sure tho. im from queensland, im probably autistic or on the spectrum in some capacity, im trying to figure out how linux works emme please help me. my tag is '#the dog barks' cause im a lil puppy (according to emme atleast) and thats it for my intro, cya later fuckers.

hello hello helloooo!! im sora!! @sleepy-boything-shit , nice to meet ya :3. im transmasc and bi, my pronouns are he/she/they/it. ive got adhd, uhhh theres nothing else about me. whenever i post here, my tags gonna be “#he screams into the void.” peace ✌️

hello children. i’m eliza, @elizarivers. i’m bi, a demigirl (they/them), and taken by the gremlin above. i’m from the US and my tag is “pussy destroyer speaks” (fuck you brodie). uh. i like writing and singing but i never do it so um. yay! bye byeee

uh... fuck. hi. i'm that creature who runs @mystic-mae. im pansexual aromantic, and my gender could give less than two fucks (he/they/void/she). i guess you could say im one of those trans people. i have a shit ton of names, but those can be found on my main. my tag is "#stop screaming in my ear" (im the void, darlings. i hear you, but i cant help you.) also a poet, so you'll find me fucking around.

[alex-the-bard]

so i’m seeing a lot of intro posts so i guess this is it

heyo, the name’s Alex, or if you’re lazy Al or Lex is fine, they/it if you please (do it or i will hurt you)

@moonysfavoritetoast is my husband!

massively adhd, deeply traumatized, followers will suffer the wrath of vent posts on their dash

likes; reading, writing, drawing, screwing with my friends, crying

dislikes: anything bigoted, homophobes, the sun, writer’s/artist’s block

dni: bigots, homophobes, people with a need to be the smartest person in the room, zoophiles, pedophiles, war criminals

now with that out of the way lemme get into what i actually wanna say:

this blog is a safe space for ✨ANYONE✨

yes

✨EVERYONE✨

if you’re feeling alone, scared, or just need someone to talk to, i’m here, i’m queer, and i’m all ears!

also i fucking swear if i hear a word out of my moots abt self harm i will bring the wrath of the gods upon them and make them take care of themselves.

also handing out free hugs, headpats, and kind words to anyone that needs it so just hop on over to the abyss to scream and the lord of the void will see you as soon as they can.

FRIENDS!!!

KOSA paper:

tags:

dreamscape nexus: #Dreamscape Nexus

the Documentarian/Doc: #Documentarian’s letters

second loop of the cycle: #second time around

Ascario documents: #recovered from Ascario

[gay-mcr-slut]

pffftthh [fart noise]

✨maow :3 I'm Jex, I’m 18, and go by he/they

🏳️‍🌈 I’m a genderqueer/transmasc lesbian, polytherian, and otherheart!

🧠 ASD/ADHD/Anxiety - socially awkward but i try my best :)

💔 I have GWDS (Gerard Way Derangement Syndrome)

🎞️ I Post About:

(in order of frequency)

My Chemical Romance

SOMETIMES ALSO: Paramore, Pierce The Veil, Fall Out Boy, or any other bands i’m into

????????

the thoughts in my little skull

therian/alterhuman stuff

politics

LGBTQ/queer stuff

shitpost memes i may come across

❗️posts tagged #shitpost are originals by me. sometimes there’s variations of this, like #mcr shitpost #therian shitpost etc. but they all mean the same thing

❌ TERFS, pedophiles/MAPS, zoophiles, homophobes/transphobes, zionists/nazis, MAGA/Trumpies, racists, anti-furry/anti-alterhuman, or supporters of any of these people/groups, DNI!! get the fuck off my page and stay out my askbox and dm’s. Pro-ED/SH blogs I ask that you please also DNI.

📬 Dm’s and asks open to everyone else! speak your truth idc. i love human interaction <3 feel free to treat my askbox like the scream void idk. i read everything. just lmk if you don’t want your ask to be published because i like to do that.

🔮 No bad vibes. good vibes weird vibes (the good weird) odd vibes strange vibes freaky vibes etc are all welcome. just no bad vibes.

❓ Uhh anti-ship/anti-rpf interact if you want, but just keep your personal morals off my fanfic stack, thank you <3 we can agree to disagree :) frerard 4 ever 💯

😀🔫 14 year old me was FUCKED UP!!! if you see my original texposts from 2020-2021 NO YOU DIDNT!! you're hallucinating they're not real baby (/j)

🌠 The banners on this post are free to use with credit! I made them myself :3 (and can make more if any1 wants!)

~~~~~~~~~↓~~~~~↓~~~~~↓~~~~~↓~~~~~↓~~~~~~~~~

⨺⃝🐾 My theriotypes are a blue tabby cat, grey fox, and Karelian Bear Dog, and my hearttype is a siren/mermaid!

❤️🎶 I love music: MCR, PTV, FOB, Paramore, Static Dress, Gojira, Food House, and Thursday, are all my top faves!

🎮 My fav videogames rn are Good Pizza, Great Pizza, Animal Crossing NH, and Animal Jam 🐾🍕

🌟 My main hobbies are kandi, gear collecting, art, sewing, singing/songwriting, mermaiding, anf quadrobics! I’m part of the furry fandom so I also love fursuiting + fursuit making :3

🐛🕸 GOD I FUCKING LOVE BUGS AND SPIDERS SO MUCH. i study arachnology and entomology for fun but i mainly focus on arachnology. leggy friends are the best friends 💚

ermm ya thats about it ! ty for reading :3

if you wanna be friends my dm’s are open! (16+ only)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Find me in other dimensions here:

DeviantArt: ghxstlyboyboy

KandiPatterns: xXOurLadyOfSorrowsXx

[scrapsovereign]

So………………

I’m back on Tumblr after nuking my accounts because I started playing this video game. My s/o had played a couple times and really enjoyed it and I thought hey! I want to play it too!

Y’all…………

BG3 and Astarion have ruined my life……..

Like I had to un-sub from r/okbuddybaldur because the thirst was preoccupying me waaaaaaay too much. Between work, getting married this fall, trying to make some *ahem* changes of a labor organizing nature at the worksite, and just trying to do life in general I needed to let the energy out, not take more distraction in. We got the ADHD over here and already struggle with that to begin with.

So, of course, I decide that writing fanfic is the best way to regularly purge my depraved thoughts. I can have a little creativity! As a treat! Right? RIGHT?

I’m 30k words in on “The Long Way Down” on AO3 and don’t show any signs of slowing down. I’m having real big imposter syndrome I’m actually even there!

SO IM BACK IN TUMBLR to use this space to scream in to the void. If you are here, reading this, thank you for being witness to my clumsy journey in writing my very first not troll fic (I will maintain that “Unscheduled Off-World Ejaculation” is actually Stargate SG1 cannon)

Again, thank you for taking the time to visit, and most importantly, I’m sorry.

[ymdslf]

(shrek voice) welcome to my blog

hi, i'm matti, but i honestly don't really care what you call me. i prefer they/them pronouns, but i’m fine with he/him and i like to throw in the occasional ze/zir, dey, or even she just to keep people on their toes, because gender and pronouns are all made up anyway. general rule of thumb is: as long as everyone is moderately to terribly confused, i’m fine with whatever you use to refer to me.

i'm german, so occasionally there's gonna be a random german post, but i'm keeping this in english because of reasons.

i'm nonbinary, aroacespec and women give me life <3 i've got some neurodivergent shit going on, mainly adhd and depression but also i'm in the process of getting diagnosed for anxiety disorder and autism.

i'm in a shit ton of fandoms and i'm terrible at tagging, so i'm sorry about that.

what i do (try to) tag is as follows: the percy jackson show on d+ and boygenius and each of the boys. those are: #percy series!, #percy series spoilers!, #boygenius, #julien baker, #lucy dacus, #phoebe bridgers

other things i usually always tag are: stranger things, which i also tag with subcategories a lot of the time; good omens; my rambling and screaming into the void; my other favorite band, the amazing devil; stuff about the percy jackson books and all related fandoms

and those are: #stranger things, #platonic stobin, #steddie, #good omens, #mattis talks, #the amazing devil, #riordanverse

my main fandoms right now are (in no particular order): stranger things, percy jackson and the riordanverse, good omens, the amazing devil and boygenius

you'll also be seeing just a fuckton of shitposts and the occasional social justice post here and there.

a few more things: i'm 17, i write sometimes (ao3), i like cats more than dogs. send me asks if you wanna, i'll take everything so i can procrastinate studying for my exams.

[fanby-fckry]

📌 Welcome friends, foes, and passersby to my personal piece of fandom hell.

About My Blog:

18+ only; minors will be blocked

Please, please put your age in your bio!

No further DNI, but I will block bigots, bullies, and blank blogs. Terfs, aphobes, and exclusionists please exit the blog and find a hobby that isn’t bullying queer people on tumblr.

This blog was originally created as a way for me to share my fanfiction and accept requests, but has since expanded to incorrect quotes, memes, and occasionally non-fandom bs.

It runs pretty much entirely on queue and scheduled posts. I don’t have notifs turned on for the app, so I may take a while to respond to messages and asks.

Fandoms:

The Amazing Devil (Band)

Doctor Who

Fullmetal Alchemist

Harry Potter – I do not support JKR

Hazbin Hotel

Helluva Boss

Steven Universe

The Witcher

I tend to cycle through them based on the whims of my ADHD brain, and when each is posted is unknown even to me.

Tags:

#Fanby’s Fuckery – All original posts (minus ramblings)

#Fanby’s Fics – My fanfiction

#Fanby’s Headcanons – My headcanons and occasionally a few scattered plot bunnies

#Fanby Answers – Answered asks

#Fanby Adds – Reblogs where I add something (that I think is) significant

#Fanby’s Ramblings – Rants, ramblings, screaming into the void, and other general mumblings of madness that I don’t want clogging up my main tag

#Not OSHA Compliant – Content with kink and/or sexual and/or suggestive themes; original posts may also be marked with the mature filter

#Undescribed – Posts with images that do not have image descriptions

#Functionally Described – Posts that don’t have dedicated image descriptions, but describe the image in the post

#Not Fandom – Any posts not related to fandoms or fics

Posts and memes about my fics are tagged #Fanby: [fic name]

Common triggers are tagged #[trigger] cw

If you’d like something tagged, please don’t hesitate to ask.

Accessibility:

I’m currently going through old posts for an accessibility update, but once that’s done…

Original posts will all have image descriptions

IDs under two-hundred characters will be in the alt text.

IDs over two-hundred characters will be in plain text.

If an image is meant to be reposted – for example, a meme template – then the ID will be in plain text for easy copy-pasting.

If you find my content inaccessible or have a way to make it more accessible, please please tell me. I’ve been doing research, but there’s a lot to learn – not to mention the conflicting information. Criticism in regards to accessibility is more than welcome.

Refs, Recs, and Resources:

#Fanby’s Ref Folder – Catchall tag for things I want to save to revisit later (working on phasing it out)

#AO3 Tips

#Crisis Tips

#Donate Here

#Fic Recs

#Inspo

#Internet Tips

#Life Tips

#Palestine Resources

Black-and-white thinking in fandom and resources for CBT, DBT, and addressing cognitive distortions.

About Me:

My name is Nico, I’m 25, and I write fanfic. I use they/them and xe/xem pronouns, and have a whole heap of queer labels I fall under. For more info on my labels and term preferences, check out my pronouns.page.

I’m part of an real life love triangle made up of myself, my fiancé, and our boyfriend.

If you wanna read more of my work, I’m on AO3 as fanby, and have some exclusive fics posted there.

Blog’s new, but I’m not. I was on this hellsite back in the ‘go nuts, show nuts’ golden age and when they finally shut this place down, staff will have to call animal control to remove me from the air vents like the rabid little raccoon I am <3

I have a twitter, but there’s literally nothing there that isn’t here. Check it out if you prefer Musk’s bird app, I guess?

Fanfic Masterlists:

Harry Potter – WIP

Hazbin Hotel/Helluva Boss

The Witcher

Kinktober

AO3 Exclusives – Links to the AO3 collection

Requests:

Requests are currently open for mutuals only. I’m trying to limit requests at the moment, but will make an exception for mutuals if I think I can swing it.

Will Write:

Angst with a happy ending

Hurt/comfort

Fluff

Familial relationships

Found family trope

X reader

OCs

Canon x OC

Any relationship style: platonic, queer platonic, romantic, sexual, D/s dynamics

Most kinks

Explicit kink

Non-explicit sexual content

Might Write:

Hurt/no comfort

Crossovers

OOC

Non-canon disabilities and mental illness *1

Alastor as a Voodoo practitioner*2

Explicit sexual content *3

*1 If I’m going to represent a marginalized group, I’m going to do my best to do so respectfully, even in fanfiction. If I’m not confident in my ability to do that, then I may choose not to.

That being said, I’m down to research and I have lived experience with chronic pain and a few mental illnesses. I am extremely confident in my ability to project my own experiences onto my blorbos, and do so quite frequently.

*2 This is mainly for the same reason I won’t write non-canon disabilities. Voodoo is highly misrepresented and I don’t want to contribute to that. I may write him as a past practitioner depending on the circumstances and as long as his current magic is not Voodoo-based.

My personal headcanon is that he grew up practicing Voodoo and ancestral magic, but burned bridges in the pursuit of power and lost support because being a serial killer is generally frowned upon. I usually write his current magic as non-specific, demonic, or Eldritch in nature.

*3 My ability to write explicit sexual content varies, so I’ll be taking this on a case by case basis.

Won’t Write – This Fandom-Specific Content:

Note: These are due to personal preference, deeply ingrained headcanons, and nunn’yuh (none ya business). I am not judging or condemning any of these ships/headcanons/etc. or people who make fanworks involving them; it’s just a comfort thing.

Hazbin Hotel:

Rosie in an NSFW context

Chalastor

Alastor x Niffty

Angel Dust shipped romantically with women

Vaggie shipped with men

The Witcher:

Yennefer bashing

Ciri (including adult!Ciri) shipped with any Wolf School Witcher

Ciri (including adult!Ciri) shipped with Jaskier/Dandelion

Won’t Write – This General Content:

Note: A good deal of this section falls under Kinktomato or YKINMKATO (Your Kink Is Not My Kink (And That's OK)) and DLDR (Don’t Like, Don’t Read) – just like, with writing instead of reading.

I’m not here to take sides in shipcourse or police other people’s writing; this is, again, about my own comfort level with writing certain topics. That’s it.

Scat/watersports/emeto kink

Adult x minor ships

Underage NSFW/smut/explicit, including any underage kink

Incest, including adoptive/step family

Detailed or romanticized non-con *1

Detailed or romanticized dub-con *1

Detailed or romanticized suicide *2

Detailed or romanticized self harm *2

*1 I can write aftermath of non-con/dub-con or attempted non-con/dub-con, but will not go into detail or portray it as in any way positive. I won’t write the reader or a canon characters as the perpetrator, unless it’s already in canon – AKA: The Valentino Exception. This does not include negotiated CNC, which I would consider writing under specific circumstances.

*2 Any time I write content involving suicide or suicidal ideation, I write with the National Recommendations for Depicting Suicide in mind.

The way suicide is portrayed in fiction can have real world consequences:

“Studies have shown that both news reports and fictional accounts of suicide in movies and television can lead to increases in suicide. In contrast, when depictions are done responsibly, the media can help to encourage help seeking, dispel myths, and reinforce hope – and ultimately save lives.”

(Source: Alliance for Suicide Prevention)

I am a suicide survivor and have lost loved ones to suicide as well, so this is deeply personal to me. If you’re struggling with self harm or suicidal thoughts, please hold on, and don’t be afraid to ask for help:

International Suicide Hotlines

Australia Lifeline: 13 11 14

Canada Talk Suicide: 1.833.456.4566

UK Samaritans: 116 123

USA Suicide and Crisis Lifeline: 988

[recorderzone]

Welcome to the circus!

Welcome to the Recorder Zone, a blog where I only occasionally scream into the void about obscure early musical instruments! I’m Jasper (pen name), a gay Jew with raging ADHD and it very much shows. Beyond that, I don’t use a whole lot of labels, but I generally don’t love super masculine terms (particularly dude, bro, man—as a rule of thumb, if it sounds like something a frat bro might say, maybe don’t call me that).

I’m an adult, and while I usually don’t post much that I would consider inappropriate for minors, I can’t promise that something risqué won’t pop up here once in a while. I trust your judgement to avoid following me if that makes you uncomfortable. Please don’t follow me if you’re a bigot of any stripe.

A little about me:

I’m really into music! I love the recorder (obviously), but my primary instrument is the oboe/English horn. I’m also a decent flutist and have at least some working knowledge with most woodwinds and piano.

I really love baroque/classical/romantic music, Impressionism, and especially weird early-mid 20th century shit. Ravel and Hindemith have my heart.

Beyond instrumental music, I enjoy anything from indie folk to progressive metal. I’m not a huge music snob—I usually just listen to the same 7 songs on repeat at any given time.

I’m a huge huge nature enthusiast! I love hiking, camping, bird-watching, and using Jewish spirituality as a way to enhance outdoor experiences. I haven’t seen very much of the world yet, but I’m always eager to talk about other people’s experiences in the great outdoors!

In theory, I love the idea of being a book person, but I’m like mega dyslexic. Whoops.

I’m a huge nerd about Judaism—I’m reconstructionist, I can’t help it! I’m a Jew-by-choice who only recently completed my conversion, so I still have a lot to learn!

I like to collect hobbies and then get burned out on them after a few months. In theory I enjoy crocheting, lace-making, composition, writing, baking, and cooking, but I haven’t done most of those in ages tbh.

Just an FYI, I am a perpetually stressed and overbooked college student so I may fall off the face of the Earth every now and then.

Thanks for bearing with me through that mega long monologue. Consider giving me a follow if any of that resonates with you!

[toastandjamie]

Okay so this is genuinely just me screaming into the void, no tags, just word vomit.

So like- I’ve been in the wheel of time fandom for not a super long time, I only finished reading the series itself recently actually, though that was mostly because I procrastinated finish memory of light months lol- the point is, I haven’t been here that long but the experience of being in this fandom has already been a vast improvement from my previous one.

I was in Dream SMP fandom for like, three or four years, because covid and my adhd brain decided Tommyinnit was a serotonin machine. I only really watched a few of the creators on the SMP, and wasn’t really involved in the more- intense parts of the fandom. I enjoyed the fanart, the fan music and the lore discussions. It was genuinely a very good time. But I’ve realized recently just his utterly exhausting and stressful having been hyper fixated and invested in the fandom it was. I didn’t even watch Dream, the majority of the creators I watched weren’t even really ever involved in most drama, I mean some of them rarely if at all interacted with Dream. Yet anytime he got cancelled it would seep into every inch of the fandom and suddenly my feed despite my best efforts to curate would be absolutely unbearable for days on end. I don’t have Twitter, tumblr is really the only social media I use and I was never super involved in the negative aspects so while I never experienced this myself I saw plenty of it. Death threats, doxxing and just generally incredibly unpleasant behavior from people inside the fandom and out. I STILL get anxious mentioning the fact that I like the Sorry Boys and LoveJoy lest someone accuses me of being a Dream stan of all things. Not because I have any strong feelings about Dream, because I don’t. I never cared about the guy, but everything he did somehow reflected on everyone. This weird “guilty by association” thing.

My interest steadily waned as a got into Wheel of Time and then the SMP ended and I stopped participating in the fandom now fully invested in WoT. Some of the creators I still watch and like but I’m no longer invested. And something I noticed was how much less stressful it’s been. Maybe it’s just because I’m on tumblr but everyone has been so kind and the worst discourse I’ve seen is about whether or not the show is good which is a vastly different vibe then the near constant vitriol that proliferated the DSMP fandom. Maybe it’s because the fandoms older, or maybe it’s just because I’m on tumblr only but I’ve really enjoyed the interactions and conversations I’ve had since joining the fandom. And when I tell you the relief I felt when Dream got himself cancelled again and I didn’t feel a pit in my stomach because it’s no longer relevant to me. Bliss. Pure bliss. It is well and truly, not my circus not my monkeys.

[ahhshoelah]

I didn’t expect grief. When I received my official ADHD diagnosis, I was ready to point my finger at everyone who ever called me lazy or selfish or unmotivated, ready to hold myself back from screaming the validity of my feelings into an unfeeling void. I had expected to feel a weight lifted. I had expected to gain hope. But I didn’t expect grief.

When the diagnosis was confirmed, the relief I felt was immediate. Finally an answer after all the questions I had been asking myself since I had had my first conscious thought. When the relief left me, anger took its place—what other emotion could I conjure when I heard the echoes of my loved ones telling me to just try a little harder, be a little better, give a little more. I was always trying harder. I was always one piece of straw away from breaking my back on the box they wanted to put me in. They weren’t allowed to be sorry. I didn’t want to let it go. I knew in my heart that I would forgive them, but my anger remained.

Somewhere though, a drop of grief bubbled up through the anger. Small at first, a gentle pop, just a whisper. That whisper soon became the small voice that had asked and begged and pleaded for help, clear as a bell. The echoes faded into the background as I shifted attention to her. Familiar, the quiet voice of the small girl rang. The unheard song of a girl who cried every time she couldn’t string the words together to express her feelings. The sensitive one, who felt too deeply, loved too carelessly and needed too much. The girl who tried to wear her traumas like a mask, an armor, to keep her safe. She was me, quiet and sensitive and unheard. 

I mourned the person she would have been if there were words to tell her story, to sing her song. It was a deep loss, seeing fleeting images of the person I might have been with the tools to help me through the worst challenges. Someone free of the torment of being trapped inside her head, someone with self-love and confidence. I mourned her. I took off my mask and so did she. The grief was so loud, an echoing cacophony, and so consuming that I hadn’t even realized that she was just my reflection. She was me.   

She said ‘thank you’, and I felt it like a vibration in every one of my bones. The echoes were scattered to the wind. Every hurt, every struggle, every tear shed broke free in one moment like some great steam vent screaming triumphantly toward the sky. I was allowed to say it wasn’t easy. I was forgiven for my shortcomings and allowed to finally see myself without donning the mask or the armor. The reflection was me and I was her and we were battle-worn and ready to recover. Now, I have to tell her story. My story. 

I didn’t expect grief, but I did learn from it.

______________________________________________

**Self-diagnosis is valid.**

Self-forgiveness is a powerful tool. You are the only one who is fighting your fight. Wear your armor today, equip your tools and remember to love yourself. I’m proud of you, exactly as you are right now. I will love you just the same when you take off your mask. Tomorrow will be here sooner than you expect, so keep your chin up.

[fl0rescer8]

Hi

It’s been 2 years since I first started this page. I thought it would be a good time to re-introduce myself.

I started this blog to use as an outlet for writing whatever is on my mind. It has helped me when I have been in a writing slump and have a hard time writing my thoughts down on paper. It feels nice to share here as if I’m screaming into the void.

I am a proud advocate of mental health and wellness and aspire to break the stigma behind mental illnesses.

I live daily with depression, anxiety, ADHD, carpel tunnel, chronic pain, migraines, PMDD, dysautonomia.

Some of my interests/hobbies include: listening to music, coloring, painting, scrapbooking, puzzles, photography, nature, hiking, edits/graphic design, skin care, cleaning, watching disney movies.

Favorite color(s): Green, Brown, Purple

Favorite music genres: Latin, Indie, Pop, Rock, Hip-Hop, Lo-fi

Favorite movie genres: action, thriller, comedy

I hope to build a community and help someone feel less alone.

[aditudenal]

is 2025 the year i bring my tumblr out of a drought and post because who doesn’t love screaming into the void? maybe.. we’ll see

y’all i never should’ve looked up how to read my old tumblr posts because my 15 year old self sure was something. crazy how i never believed in astrology much when i was younger, but when you look at the pattern of sad and longing posts followed by one where i’m ranting and reading someone to filth and saying im going to get my life together; pisces sun, pisces moon, sagittarius rising just makes sense. also a bitch lovessss a comma, like really just loves to use some commas and still does and i’m not going to do anything different about it so here we are.

anyway, i wish my big feelings at 30 were the same as they were at 15. like, i wish my biggest problems were that my mom was pissed and this boy i liked was leading me in an endless circle of “i like you, oh wait.. no i don’t.” spoiler alert for BOTH of you: you’re both gay, so anyway.

i also wish i could go tell 15 year old me that it’s going to be okay. that there are words like autism and adhd and anxiety that are going to make sense of what you’re feeling. that right now you’re laying in bed next to the absolute love of your life who you get to marry and are coming up on 3 years of being married later this year. that life doesn’t end at 20 or 21 or 25 or 26 or 29 and being 30 is not the worst thing that’s ever happened to you. that being gay is okay and you are gay, and maybe if you accepted the way you felt about the girl from band camp and took a step back from your “faith” earlier you would be dealing with less complications and trauma from comp het. that there’s more genders than simply “boy” and “girl” and you’ve finally in recent years discovered that you are in fact, nonbinary and nothing has ever felt as comfy as they/them pronouns do.

it’s also so crazy to me that some things still apply to both of us; that i am still so close to that 15 year old me in so many ways. i still have the same nostalgia and sentimental nature. i still listen to some of the same music. i still sing when i think no one is listening and like to fantasize about what i’d post on a day in the life if i was a vlogger. i’m also still vegetarian mostly for the plot and spite of it all, despite most definitely being anemic and not eating enough protein (but we’re working on it.)

anyway, here i am to essentially scream at the wall and into the void and put my thoughts on the internet because like who even cares about their digital footprint anymore, right? happy 2025, y’all.

[montreal-derogatory]

coming here to scream into the void. this is unlike most of my personal posts, but I just need to get shit out of my body.

context to know about me: i’m 24 and live with my parents. i have adhd, depression, and anxiety that is only getting worse. i work as a server. i was also raised mormon, aka taught from birth to give up my soul and all time that i wasnt working for money to do acts of service/free labor. i have left but no one else in my family has except a couple extended relatives.

i love my grandparents very much, and i’m very lucky that all of them live within a 30 mile radius of me, so i see everyone who is still with us quite frequently.

the only problem is pretty much all of them started to have failing health within the last year, and it’s having a significant impact on the entire family, both emotionally and with time commitment.

with my mom’s mom, we took care of her for a long time when she was more independent, but came to a mutual decision to take her to an assisted living community once her health took a sharp decline and she had to start dialysis. the facility we ended up deciding was best (and pretty much every other facility around here) does not have medical/appointment transportation available on the days for her dialysis appointments. this upped/changed my responsibility of taking her to and from physical therapy once a week to taking her to dialysis 3 times a week. pickup is my mom’s responsibility generally, but i am also sometimes asked to do pickup if i’m available. one time i was not available but my family was out of town (did not tell me far enough in advance to get work off) and i ended up having to leave work in the middle of the dinner rush for an hour to go pick up my grandma because i couldn’t get work covered.

on the other side of my family, both of my grandparents have a hard time accepting help with anything other than hard labor for their hobbies like gardening. working on getting them into a facility where they could actually act more independently than they did before is a near impossible act. it makes sense, they don’t want to leave their home of 40 years where they have animals and a garden. then again, my aunt has lived with them pretty much her whole adult life, at least as long as i’ve been alive, so she’s kind of taken on the mantle of caretaker for them in their old age. when she leaves to travel, it falls on us to take shifts of caregiving, and it becomes crystal clear exactly how much work she’s doing. this past year within weeks of each other my grandma started showing signs of dementia and my grandfather had a few physical illnesses that ended up severely impacting his mental health for weeks to now being at the VA home indefinitely and wheelchair bound. luckily he is now getting the care he needs, but my grandmother is still at her house and now has new things that need taking care of.

now brings me to the whole reason for me to make this post. i tonight was asked if i could make another 3 day a week commitment for the next 6-7 weeks to help my paternal grandmother get to appointments, despite openly stating that im applying for another job and am already mentally drowning with the workload i already have (which is not a ton for the average person but i’m having extreme difficulty taking care of myself and ever decreasing spoons). The schedule i’ve set with work accomodates for maternal grandmother care and dnd to keep me sane, but loading on more just leaves even more holes in my schedule and will rob me of 1 of 3 days i have available for a new job.

the irony is my parents want me to be working twice as much as i am now, but also doing all of this grandparent care, and also functioning like my neurotypical siblings at home, but ask me what im doing to improve my mental health. like you pick two between working 40 (or even 35) hours a week, improvement in mental health, increased contribution at the house, and grandparent care.

on top of allll of this i also applied to nail school next year so i can have sone kind of accreditation under my belt which is something i havent even tried to figure out how to work in at this point.

i know i probably sound ungrateful and whiney. that’s ok with me. my mental health is kicking my ass and it feels like im drowning with thicker and thicker ice blocking me from air. (side note, if anyone has any tips for rebuilding a lost habit of taking medication , i would appreciate it.) it is very important to note that the actual care of my grandparents is not an issue for me. i’m glad i get to see them so often, and take time to take care of them. it’s hard watching them decline, but that’s part of greif. the frustrating part is i feel as though my time is not being respected, and also feel as though i’m expected to burn through what precious billable hours i can get (and handle taking) with the hourly work i have to do because it’s the only thing im qualified for. i feel as though i’m being viewed more as a driving tool than as a complex person with complex needs who barely has enough mental energy to devote to getting out of bed every day. not even getting ready, just physically standing up. i’ve been mourning people who are not yet in the grave, and struggling to keep up even the appearance of functionality.

anyway that’s pretty much my letter to the void, i may edit later, we’ll see. if you read, thanks for listening.

[kicking-mushrooms]

I’m going to casually scream into the void, for old time’s sake.

There has been a lot that has happened since I last journaled in here. I’ll try to do a quick summation over the past 5 years, to the best of my ability. Nobody fucking reads my posts, so this is mostly to have a place I can write about without worrying about it being lost because my computer crashed and so my hard drive has to be been wiped. I could post this on a google doc, but that feels weird for some reason. I guess I like the idea of potential comradely? I’m not entirely sure….

I remember being mostly active here during high school, so this is everything that happened since graduating.

Trigger warnings: mentions of Ab*se and R*pe

I had a singular close friend, and ruined that relationship because of mental health issues I didn’t understand.

Turns out I have ADHD and Autism, and I struggle with mood regulation. I won’t start anti depressants until a year or two later, which help stabilize my mood IMMENSELY. Starting them made a lot of my anger slip away. However, it won’t be until around 2020-ish that I even find out about emotional dysregualtion or executive dysfunction. I won’t be able to get an ADHD assessment until 2022

Ahhhh. I deeply regret the way I acted. I think about it a lot. I hope she’s doing well in life

I was…. Very lonely, and angry for a while.

The timeline for this part is very foggy…. I know I was extremely depressed. I resented my friends for being more successful than me, and I also felt trapped. I didn’t have a driver’s license, or a parent who helped me at all. Everyone else was supported, and had a future. I felt so…. Trapped

I know I stayed with my mom in a little room above someone’s garage….. and I some point I was homeless and staying at a friends place…. But I cant recall where that lies chronologically

my mom started dating someone and basically abandoned me for him. She dumped me off at her uncle’s and aunt’s place.

BOY HOWDEY were they are SUPER toxic, and casually made jokes about how they emotionally abused their kids. They were also chain smokers, and being around them was hard on my health. There was never any food in the house because they lost their apatite from smoking. I lived entirely on a singular lunabar a day :) They also didn’t drive (much) because they were both disabled and retired. This was a problem all on its own because I still didn’t have a license, and they couldn’t teach me. For context: They live in a trailer in the middle of boonfuck nowhere. There weren’t even any buses in that area.

They also talked about sex a lot, which made me uncomfortable because they’re grandparents??? And hearing your granddad talk about “getting fucked in the ass” as a joke is really weird. It could just be compounded since I was also sex repulsed, so it made me extremely uncomfortable.

My mom was visiting them, when suddenly the new dog my gruncle took in attacks me.

The dog was apparently an abused rescue that my Gruncle wanted to rehabilitate. The dog had already bitten him twice at this point…. I still can’t believe that it took a large ass Saint Bernard ripping chunks from my arm before my mom did anything…..

I dressed up as John Egbert at a Halloween dance, and made a friend

I have since lost contact with them, because I am too socially inept to send a message 😭 Anyways, she invited me to go to an anime convention at that time, which I accepted because I had absolutely no friends around me. At the convention, I met some other people that I became friends with! I hit it off with two of them particularly well. I’ve loss contact with both at this point, for different reasons. One of them started dating an emotionally abusive bigot, and started changing for the worse ….I think about them a lot

At some point, I saved up enough money and bought myself my own god damn driver’s ed

I will never not be bitter that I had to do this. Family did provide a car…. Which was because mother’s husband had a great uncle who died, and so they gave me his old car.

My friend asked for my help to move into Austin

My mom’s boyfriend reaction to this was to have his own kid move into the room I was staying in :)

Guess I live in Austin now

My friend let me co-sign, and we started dating…. This was the first person I ever dated seriously! And was it HELL. They turned out to be EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE AF. On the bright side, I was able to deal with a lot of body dysphoria I have, and also my sex repulsion. I still hate the sound of kissing, and anything like it, but that turns out to be a weird ADHD thing so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ what can you do

Also learned what an Empath is from him!

I started working at CVS, which was right down the road from where I lived

If you are thinking about working there… don’t!

I was there for a year, I think?

When the lease was up, I had no friends and nowhere to go. I had to resort to Craigslist. Oh! And my credit card info got stolen! The paycheck I had just gotten the day before was GONE. All I had to eat was a couple of saltine crackers to last me for two weeks until my next paycheck

My mom gets married (June 9th, 2016 at least according to the photos on my phone)

This is the anxious man my mom abandoned me for, and he also basically forces her to drop me for him. Mmmm I foresee an unhappy marriage Spoilers: it is

….Chanthony

So, I found a place! And it was a hell all its own. He was/is a fucking NIGHtMARE to deal with. I’m pretty sure he has undiagnosed Autism, but he definitely has untreated depression and anxiety. To get a good idea of what he is like - when he was looking for a roommate, he wasn’t ACTUALLY looking for a roommate. He was looking for a manic pixie dream girl to fix him. He thought that would help, instead of actually taking medication.

Right off the bat, his apartment was infested with fleas. I diligently took care of it myself, and ended up investing a decent amount of money and a whole LOT of time. I had to shave my cat, Jada! He would go into these depressive states and wouldn’t clean…. Anything. The sink and counters would be overflowing with moldy pans and plates. There were soda cans everywhere, full of cigarettes. Absolute ton of laundry everywhere. The worst was actually his dog. His dog was greasy and PUNGENT. I fucking cleaned the SHIT out of that apartment, and even invested in an IQair purifier. That bitch EXPENSIVE, but BOY was it worth it! The smell was gone after a few days of it running. It also helped prevent my migraines from him smoking weed inside, despite him saying he wouldn’t. Asshole never even recognized my hard work. He insisted I did it for myself. Like, yeah, to a degree? But if it was for just me, I wouldn’t have deep cleaned and organized the whole apartment. I figured that a clean environment would help with his depression, if only a little. Ironically, I was trying to help him like he romanticized but he was to self sabotaging to see it

If it was just mess, I could deal with that no problem. I would help deep clean this semi-retired lady who would walk to my work. I also did this for a “friend” of mine (Tangent: That friend would FREQUENTLY bail on me while we were hanging out for Tinder dates. Then got pissy and avoided me for months when I stayed with a friend after I was in between places because my lease ended? ?? That still baffles me to this day) I’ve got depression, I get how it be sometimes. What bother’s me is his attitude. He would vacillate from putting me on a pedestal and go on about all that I do for him, to complaining about how I wasn’t doing enough.

He was very much a “Nice Guy” who thought that being someone’s friend meant that they were courting, and that by not dating I was leading him on. Things like going to the grocery store together were dates to him. He would give me things I didn’t even ask for, and expect shit from me afterwards. He even asked for Christmas gifts back after I moved out. He would manipulate what I said into his favor. He also kept making the ultimatum that if I didn’t date him, then “All this goes away” and we had to stop being friends. Which, considering that I am his roommate and he sleeps in the living room, it felt like blackmail!

Arguing with him was so frustrating. He would try to manipulate what I said into his favor, or made blanket statements to discount anything I said. He mocked my opinions, and disregarded my boundaries - which the arguments were usually about. His most common response for not stopping something after I say no, or more likely repeatedly saying no/stop, was because I was smiling…. Even though I worked retail, and I frequently smile when I am pissed because of this. He ignored my gender identity. He even used my it to try to make sexual advances? “Oh, you don’t believe in gender? That it’s fine if I come in there and change my clothes with you” Just because I recognize our gender biases based on our society, doesn’t mean that they’re no longer there. He made me so DEEPLY uncomfortable, that I would just crawl in through the window when I got home to avoid him. I have never hated going home as much as when I stayed with him. It wasn’t just me, either. Jada even tried running out the door when I came home once. She hid a lot while she was there. Unless I was around, then she would hide under the blanket, behind my legs.

It’s been 5 years, and he STILL stalks me on social media and harasses my mom to try to talk to me. I think he has messaged me on almost every platform at this point, including PINTEREST. FUCKING PINTEREST. He also will make new accounts just to message me, because I keep blocking him.

On the bright side, I got to see firsthand some of my own toxic traits reflected back at me. I have a feeling I acted a lot like Chanthony did towards my mom, and I can understand not wanting to sacrifice your own mental health for someone else. You are not a therapist, and no matter what you do, it won’t help. They have to recognize it, and want to change.

I think I got a sublet after a Chanthony (Sept-??? 2017)

I was only there for a few months. It smelled like cat piss. I cleaned it, and the original tenant I was leasing under apologized and sent a care basket :)

I didn’t have a car during this time, so i had to take the bus…. Which is all well and good, except that the closest stop was over an hour walk away

I got a girlfriend! (Dec-ish 2017 to ???)

It was…. Interesting! It was nice while it lasted… There was an age gap. I think I was 22, and she was 19. It was only a few years, but I could feel the age difference. If that makes sense? She just seemed young. Not in the youthful sense, but in the “ah, you still have some mental development to do :| “ She had a lot of trauma that she didn’t get into, and was very cryptic about. She also had an emotionally abusive mom that she idolized, which is very unfortunate. For many reasons. One of the things she imitated was from her mom was quick to cut you off, or ignore you at the least, when she was upset.

She caused a lot of damage to me emotionally, because she was my only friend at the time and she just…. dumped me, and completely cut off contact. It wasn’t even that long until she asked to date again. Maybe a month or so? but it wasn’t the same. Abandonment is a big issue of mine, so I was pretty broken after all was said an done. I couldn’t even get closure the first time. I tried asking, and got berated by her on-and-off again friend.

I think about her sometimes… mostly out of curiosity. Both because she was a great opera singer, and because I hope she realizes how toxic her mom is and grows to be her own person instead of what her mom wants her to be

Another new place

My roommates and I didn’t really get along….. Specifically the homeowner, who lived in one of the rooms. She was HELLA privileged. The house she lived in was a gift from her family, and she worked maybe 5 hours a day. That, alone, isn’t why I didn’t like her. Sure, I was envious, but I’m not gonna dislike someone because of that. She just was ignorant about anyone outside of herself. It was obvious she wanted to live alone. She was so bothered by everything everyone did, and was so blind to her own mess. She would get upset that I wouldn’t sweep, despite me cleaning her messy ass kitchen when I would get home from work. I doesn’t help that I also just… can’t see dirt on the floor very, thanks astigmatism. Though, the times I did, it turned out to mostly be her own dog’s hair, so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Even so, I was struggling with taking care of myself at the time. I was suffering from SEVERE depression because I had been dumped, my godmother got diagnosed with cancer (and I got a vague message from her about giving up, and I thought she was going to kill herself, and freaked TF right on out), and I had lost my car. So cleaning the kitchen when I made meal prepped was the most I could do….

Even if that wasn’t the case, she was just hard me to be around. Very passive aggressive, and a lot anxiety.

On the bright side, this was the first time I could really decorate my own space. There were a lot of nice thrifstores around that I could get cheap decor. Despite everything, this was the first time I had ever felt “at home” in my space. I also got Tobi, my GIANT stuffed fox. I love him very much. I am so glad I got him ….sigh, I need to restuff him and throughly wash him. He’s gotten pretty grungy :(

Tangent: I never wanted to do physical harm to a pair of shoes as much as I did with hers. I wanted to burn her fucking crocks SO BAD. THEY WERE SO LOUD AS SHE CLOMPED UP THE STAIRS. She woke me up on more than one occasion, and I am not even a light sleeper

According to my phone, I got into my first major car accident on Feb 18th, 2018

I hydroplaned off an overpass onto another, DIFFERENT, overpass. Real GTA shit right there

???

At some point, I got a new car…..? It was a pain in the ass to get because I couldn’t get co-signer, even though I needed one because I don’t have credit . It was a ‘08 Toyota Prius that I named Eiffel. I also wrecked that car when a pickup took the front end off while I was turning on a protected left turn.

I think I moved back with my mom for a while? I remember I took some time off of work as well. God, I was so burnout…

My best friend of 10 years at the time said she was looking into moving out of her parents house into an apartment, so I went out on a limb and moved states

Fall or maybe winter of 2018? I know I was there over Christmas. I spent it dressed up as an elf at work! Just cause it made me happy. I also got cheap decorations, and decorated the place. I was there by myself, so I didn’t have to worry abut anyone else

Since there wasn’t a place ready, I stayed with my Alcoholic brother and his Narcissist, alcoholic Dad. The Dad hated me because I was my mom’s kid, and flat out told me that. He said my mom was a filthy whore, and went into EXPLICIT DETAIL about supposed things she had done. At some point, I told him to please stop, and he got irrationally irate about that, which escalated to him wanting to kick me out….. even though I was paying for cable, cooking their meals, and cleaning their house. He was also pissed that I wasn’t psychically looking for apartments, even though they are online. And even if I did look at them, I needed the input from the person who I was gonna room with.

I got the best car I could with all the savings I had, which was only $1,000. Because of that, I had to work a few months before I could afford a down payment on an apartment. I thing I had it for 2 months before the timing belt went out, and destroyed the engine.

Also, during this time, I had gotten r*ped by my brother while he was shitfaced one night. So, even if it wasn’t for his dad, I would still have left

I got a new car from a very kind coworker

And I am so glad they did, because I lived in that car, quite literally. I had a queen mattress topper already that I folded and used as a bed in the back seat, so it wasn’t actually half bad! If I were to do it again, there are a few things I woulda done a few things differently. One would be purchasing those window insulated covers for cars. I would still have stayed in the Walmart parking lot at night, but I should have parked on the LEFT side because apparently there is an OUTDOOR OUTLET over there that I didn’t discover until LATER. And, finally, I should have caved and got the $20 gym membership

Also, my friend decided to stay with her grandparents. I haven’t talked to her since, and I am still very bitter

This gets me to about the Spring of 2019, when I move into an actual place

I will get into this in part II cause I am kinda tired of talking……