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₊˚⊹˚ 𐙚 WHEN YOU KNOW, YOU KNOW | PROLOGUE
a pogue!sweetheart!reader series by rafesangelita ©
SUMMARY: nothing could’ve ever prepared you for the handsome kook that came crashing into your life.. quite literally. it’s hard to think that at one point you and rafe didn’t know one another, especially since you two have spent every passing day together for the last four months.
WARNINGS: drug use, driving under the influence, reckless driving, rafe arguing with ward, descriptions of a mild injury, mentions of addiction and sobriety, blood, reader tends to rafe’s wounds, fluff, opposite of slowburn, forced proximity (?), time skip (from four months ago to the current day), slight angst
AUTHOR’S NOTE: ahhhhh!! it’s finally here, and i couldn’t be more excited to share this with all of you!! all feedback is deeply appreciated <3 feel free to ask to be added to the taglist if you’d like!
LINKS: series masterlist | next chapter
WORD COUNT: 2.8k
rafe set a new record for himself tonight, and he wasn’t proud of it. not only did he lose count of the lines he snorted off of topper’s coffee table, he also had ward blowing up his phone. “aye, man, i don’t think you should be driving.” topper slurred, downing the alcohol in his glass. cleaning the residue from his nose, rafe shook him off, stumbling through the crowd of people in the living room before hopping in his truck and peeling out of the packed street.
jaw ticking, rafe cursed to himself when his phone started ringing, ward’s contact lighting up the screen. “i’m going home already, alright? yes— yes, dad! i know we have a meeting with some investors in the morning.. what? no i’m not fuckin’ high!” he rambled on, feigning offense when his father called his bluff. “just stop— i know, okay? i’ll be there in a minute—” before rafe could finish his sentence, he took a sharp turn, swerving onto the curb before hitting a light pole.
you were locking up the icecream parlor when you heard the high pitched squeal of tires against the pavement, a loud crash making you jump from your spot in front of the door. spinning on your heels, your eyes widened when you saw a black truck just feet away from the main street, smoke billowing from under the hood. unsure of what to do, you looked around to see if anyone was nearby, but of course, the strip was always empty at this time of the night.
“son of a bitch!” you heard someone groan before they tumbled out of the front seat, falling face down against the concrete. you gasped, dropping your purse before running across the street. “are you okay?!” you helped the stranger sit up, wincing when you saw blood dripping from his nose. he stared at you wide eyed, his pupils blown as you kneeled in front of him. he opened his mouth to speak but no words came out.
“it’s okay, you don’t have to say anything.” you reassured him, slipping off your cardigan before holding it against his nose. you noticed the open gash on his brow, your heart sinking when you saw his eyes soften. “we really need to get you to the emergency, do you have a phone?” rafe shook his head, leaning back against the tire of his truck. “no. well, yes, i have a phone.. somewhere.. but i can’t go to the emergency, not like this.” just then, rafe felt a sharp pain shoot up to his temple from his neck.
“yes, like this! you’re all scraped up.” you said incredulously. “no, i mean i’m not sober.” as if he was waiting for you to judge him, rafe watched as your expression didn’t falter. “i promise you, going to the emergency and getting help from a professional is a lot more better than not going at all. your truck can always be replaced; you can’t.” your words lit a fire in his chest, the sincerity in your tone making him crack a pained smile.
“i’ll go to jail for this, and i just can’t do that right now. i have to be somewhere in the morning, my dad will kill me if he finds out..” remembering that he was on the phone with ward before he crashed, he scrambled up to find the device, only to groan and plop back down on the street. still holding the pink cardigan to his head, you guided his hand to hold it for you. “what are you looking for? i can try to find it.” rafe let out a shaky breath, mumbling “my phone.” before you got up and spotted it near the tire.
turning it over, you held it up for him to see. it was completely shattered. “i don’t think it’s going to work..” you handed it to him, a bitter laugh falling from his lips. “what the fuck?” he breathed out, holding his head in his hands. you’ve never seen someone look so defeated before, your feet moving on their own before you could think. “do you think you can walk? my place is only five minutes away.” rafe looked up like he couldn’t believe the words that just came out of your mouth.
“your place?” he repeated, half shocked and half confused as to why you’d offer him help. “yes,” you nodded, taking his hand in yours, “i don’t have a phone there, but i can at least get you cleaned up..” rafe tried to weigh out his options, only to realize he didn’t have any. “are you sure?” he was truly at your mercy. “yes. here— just keep holding this to your head, let me go get my purse and we can be on our way.” you left him with your cardigan, running across the street and grabbing your bag before getting him up.
“i’m a lot stronger than i thought.” you joked, attempting to lighten the mood as you wrapped one of rafe’s arms around your shoulders. “fuck, what about my truck?” rafe leaned his weight on you, nearly making you topple over before you took a step. “someone will find it and call a tow, you could call the towing company tomorrow,” you explained to him, “do you have anything valuable in there?” rafe laughed, shaking his head. “just my piece of shit phone that has no value now.” he grunted, walking with a slight limp.
“hey, uhm, what’s your name?” rafe looked down at you, both of you sharing a glance before he looked away. despite him not being in the right state of mind, there was no doubting how insanely pretty you were. “y/n.. and yours?” why on earth were you getting butterflies right now? “rafe.” was all he replied before he started asking you an abundant amount of questions. rafe learned a lot about you in the short five minute walk to your camper. what you did for a living, where you currently worked for some extra money, what your hobbies consisted of.. along with being a pogue.
“so.. you live all alone in this pink camper in the middle of the woods? aren’t you scared some psycho will come across it and want to know who’s inside?” he asked, genuinely concerned. “a psycho?” you flashed him a playful smile, “like you?” rafe watched as you unlocked the small screen door, a chuckle threatening to slip from his throat. “i would laugh if it didn’t feel like i had a thousand needles stabbing me in my brain right now.” he swallowed thickly, accepting the hand you offered him to step in.
he was immediately hit with the smell of freshly baked cake and vanilla frosting. he loved it. “i know it’s really small in here, but you could just take a seat right there on that little couch and i’ll go get my first aid kit.” rafe did as you said, eyes darting around your space. pink florals, white lace trim, usually he’d be irked by this kind of decor, but for some reason unbeknownst to him, he didn’t mind it this time. rafe leaned back on the soft sofa, settling into the cushions while you scrambled for the little first aid kit somewhere in your bathroom.
spotting the small box on your little shelf, you grabbed it before making your way back to where rafe was sitting. he opened his eyes momentarily, finding you even more pretty now that darkness didn’t surround you two. he kept his gaze on you, watching as you took your bottom lip between your teeth. “sorry about this..” rafe took the pink cardigan away from his head, the fabric now stained with blood. “oh, don’t worry about it,” you smiled, “you needed it more than i did.”
pressing a damp cloth to his nose, rafe groaned when you applied the slightest bit of pressure. “i’m sorry!” you pouted, taking a seat next to him. rafe reassured you he was alright, a groan leaving his lips as he clutched his stomach. eyebrows knitting in confusion, you lifted his shirt, your eyes widening at the sight. he was scraped and bruised, a small wound adorning his lower abdomen. “here, lets get this off.” you pulled rafe’s t-shirt over his head, both of your cheeks heating at the compromising position.
“we could stop if this is too weird for you—” you shook your head, taking an ice pack out of your freezer. “no, it’s okay.” you pressed the cold bag to his skin, still wiping away the dried blood on his face. “i’m not sure how far you live, but i don’t think it’s a good idea for you to walk anywhere.” your voice was barely above a whisper, the sound of it soothing rafe more than any kind of medicine he could take right now. “don’t worry about me, i’ll be fine.” rafe watched your fingers dance across his stomach, your nails sparkling underneath the dim lighting of your camper.
you thought for a moment. “i guess what i’m trying to say is; i think you’re better off staying the night here..” you trailed off, meeting his gaze, “you’ll be able to get to a phone in the morning and call whoever you need to. you should just get some rest right now.” rafe was stunned. you wanted him to stay? “i don’t know..” he sounded uneasy, not because he didn’t want to, but because he couldn’t help but feel like he was imposing. “it’s okay, i swear! you could take my bed since there’s no way you’ll be able to sleep on this little thing.”
“no, no way, i’m fine with sleeping on the floor.” you smiled at him, eyes flickering down to his lips. “no, really, it’s okay…?” you trailed off, unsure of what to call him since you didn’t know his name. “rafe.” he answered. “rafe,” he liked the way his name sounded rolling off of your tongue, “i’ve fallen asleep plenty of times over here, i’ll be fine on the couch.” you got up, wringing out the towel you were using to clean him up. “i just have one rule, though,” rafe held the ice pack to his stomach, humming as you grabbed some ointment and a couple of bandages.
“you can only lay in my bed if you’re clean.. and you need a shower.” the corner of rafe’s lips quirked. “if you want to see me naked all you have to do is ask.” you blinked, pushing his chest softly. “that’s not what i meant.” you giggled. “i’ll get you a change of clothes, just get in there for right now.” rafe was already too far in to look back. getting up with your assistance, you guided rafe to the bathroom before shutting the door behind him. “there’s clean towels and wash rags on the shelf!” you called from the kitchen, yawning as all of tonight’s events started to catch up with you.
rafe didn’t know what to make of all of this. one minute he was high out of his mind, crashing into a light pole with his dad on the phone, and the next he was inside some gorgeous girl’s camper getting tended to before using a strawberry scented body wash in her shower. what the fuck was his luck? taking his time in the shower, rafe thought about how he’d explain everything to ward tomorrow, from the towed truck to the cuts and bruises.
he wondered if ward would even care.
by the time rafe was done, he was stepping out of the bathroom smelling like a slice of strawberry cake with nothing but a towel wrapped around his waist. he glanced over at the couch, your back facing him as you slept soundlessly. moving aside the pink curtain that concealed the doorway to your room, rafe slipped into the sweatpants you left out for him, settling underneath your silky soft sheets shortly after.
how was it that you just happened to be the only person around when he crashed? how did he crash right in front of where you worked? and why were you being so nice to him? rafe had so many questions and couldn’t think of any logical answers. he didn’t believe in fate, but looking back on it, that seems to be the only explanation. the next day he woke up to his clothes freshly washed and wearable again, your music playing softly in the kitchen. “good morning!” you chirped, your hair and makeup already done for the day.
“hey..” rafe was still shirtless, his eyes following your every move. “what time is it?” he took a seat at the little booth by the wall, his head no longer pounding the way it did last night. “it’s about to be ten. i was debating if whether or not i should’ve woken you up earlier, but you really needed to sleep.” you leaned back against the counter, admiring the handsome man in your camper. “your wallet should also be with your clothes there on that chair,” you started, “..so i was thinking; the little store just right outside of these woods has a pay phone that you can use.”
rafe nodded. “yeah, that sounds good.” he couldn’t think of the last time he woke up without wanting the day to be over with already. “hey, listen— uhm, i owe you a huge one for everything you’ve done for me.. i apologize if it was an inconvenience in any way, but i really do appreciate you.” rafe got up, grabbing his wallet from your room. “here. please take it.” you looked down at the hundred dollar bills tucked between his fingers, shaking your head as you moved his hands away.
“absolutely not.” you laughed. “no, please, take it.” rafe got closer, opening one of your palms before closing it around the bills. “rafe, i don’t want it!” you backed away, “i’m serious.” rafe let out a sigh. he already knew how this would go, so instead of urging you to keep it, he placed the money on your dresser after he was done changing. “well i guess i’ll be leaving now.” you masked the disappointment on your face by offering him a smile. “yeah, i guess so..” without saying a word, you and rafe stared at each other before he wrapped his arms around you, the action giving you butterflies.
before you could say or do anything, he pulled away and left, leaving your camper feeling more emptier than usual. you walked over to the door where you watched him walk away until you couldn’t see him anymore, a pout on your lips as you did so. while you were sure that you would more than likely never see him again, you couldn’t be more wrong. that day was the first of approximately one hundred and twenty one days, and counting, that you two would spend together. rafe came back to you the next day with a brand new pink cardigan to replace the other one you so selflessly let him ruin.
one icecream date turned into several, which then progressed into him coming over to your place with an overnight bag, his very own toothbrush now taking a spot next to yours. which then led to him picking you up and dropping you off at work, and so on until he finally said that you were his. you two spent the entire summer underneath the trees, rolling around in the grass as you two gasped each other’s names into your mouths, sharing sweet kisses and an even sweeter love that continued to grow with no intentions of ever stopping.
rafe had gotten sober out of fear that he wouldn’t remember what a love like this felt like if he was high all the time, and without judgement, you were there with him every step of the way. you stayed by his side when he felt like all hope was lost, and for that he could never thank you enough. although ward wondered where rafe would go off to, he didn’t bring himself to care as long as he was doing what he needed to do for the family business. with his dad off of his back, and you to come ‘home’ to everyday, he could say that he was truly happy.
even now as you two sat in your favorite diner, sharing a milkshake and laughing at whatever the other was saying, you felt no worries when you and rafe were together, your heart threatening to burst at the seams everytime you looked at him. everything was perfect.. at least for now. all good things must come to an end, and when you two are threatened by none other than ward himself, the love bubble you two have been mindlessly floating in is suddenly popped.
taglist: @percysley @oceandriveab @archiveofvirtue @weirdowithnobeardo @mattyskies @ankoluvly @cnnamongrl @b3bybunny @littlelamy @nemesyaaa @lovinqbella @jeonmochi99-blog @corpsebridenightamare @whorelaud @mymvlody @idontknowwhyimhere33 @ursovaine
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So the Mech AU is something and it's captured me too.
Set sometime after Prowl discovers Jazz is a pilot but before they go to Earth
———————————————————————
"Do they all look the same?"
Sat in a makeshift chair made from a tarp thrown over a spare tire, Jazz was in the middle of refueling from a small plastic baggie when Prowl broadly gestured to the inanimate body of his mech.
"The mechs? Naw, at least not the ones that last. I've had mine long enough that it's gotten all sorts of unique design changes and upgrades. There's no other mech that looks or moves just like mine."
The reassurance that Jazz's mech form was an individual creation was pleasing for some reason. Perhaps Prowl didn't like the idea of a dozen identical blank visors, the body of his friend replicated and filled with someone else.
"There's like. three or four classes of mech I think?" Jazz continued unaware of Prowl's secret anxiety.
"There's Rescue Class, those are the smallest, and they actually aren't built for fighting but for digging through rubble and cleaning up chunks of alien. Plus, sometimes those tentacle freaks have parasites that drop off when they die so the R-class kill 'em before they can become an invasive species."
"I thought you said they weren't designed for combat?"
Jazz finishes their fuel and shrugs.
"Its a war. Nobody gets out of fighting completely. Before I left I heard they were sticking a medic into- into fuckin' Vortex."
There were, many questions Prowl had concerning that last sentence. How desperate were the humans to be making their caregivers into soldiers? Why was this Vortex so infamous?
Why did Jazz sound angry at first, but by the time he got to saying "Vortex" the name came out as a rush of breath rather than a proper word?
What stopped him from pressing further on the topic was how Jazz seemed to shrink. And sink.
And stare at nothing at all.
It was so nauseatingly not Jazz that Prowl nudged the tire a bit and guided the conversation back to familiar territory.
"So what class are you?" Prowl said, while crossing his arms on the table and resting his chin on them. It was, very off model posture for the Praxian, but without the ability to pick up EM fields, exaggerated body language seemed to be the best way to get through to his human.
On a hunch, Prowl lightly waved his door-wings as well. Jazz smiled at them, and at him and Prowl preened with a modest smile back.
"I happen, to-just-so-be-the-Top-of-my-class-a-thank-you-veeery-much!" Jazz said popping each syllable like a song, resting his chin on his knuckles to match Prowls gaze.
"In terms of mech?" He nodded in its direction.
"I'm Striker Class baby, we're the fastest, the most agile and in my personal opinion the the most effective fighters in the whole program."
"And you do not personally feel as though you are an outlier bringing up the average?"
Mouth agape in mock shock, Jazz placed a hand over his spark- Flesh? Flesh-spark? Prowl deleted the line of thought and focused on the performance.
“I assure you Prowler, there are plenty of other Striker class pilots out there that do good for our name. I mean, there’s Blur for one thing. The guys basically the poster child of the whole program. Ridiculously fast mech. There’s also Hot Rod. His mech had the funny little quirk of CONSTANTLY CATCHING ON FIRE, buuut he turned it from a bug into a feature and now that’s just his thing.”
“Just his thing?!”
“Yup.”
“Being on fire?”
Jazz sat up straighter and pointed a finger at Prowl, “Look. I don’t know the full story and I shouldn’t be the one to tell it either, but trust me when I tell you this guy earned it.”
Leaning back, Prowl processed the new layers of insanity humans would apparently subject themselves to before filing it under “Bizarre conversations with Jazz” in his processor and carrying on.
“So what’s your special quality?”
“Me? I’m freakishly good at syncing up with my mech. Like, Blur is faster, but I’m smoother. Like, like that really is me. It just, I dunno, feels right. Fits me.”
Jazz looked over to his mech for a long time. Frowning at the fuel packet in his hands and solemnly crushing it into a ball.
“In terms of mech?” Jazz looked looked over to Prowl, smile returning with ease.
“I think I might be the only one that’s built for the stars.”
Their conversation continued into the evening like a leisurely dance. Discussing Pool Time, the war, cultural differences , the quintessons, their homes, what remained of them, and all the people they know and once knew.
Prowl never brought up Vortex again, though perhaps he should have.
__________________________________________
"What," Prowl choked out, his voice more static than sound. "Is that?"
The sky was green. The quintessions were in chunks. A mech, matte black with a blank visor, caaaarved into the body of the last living invader. A blade that massive was too big to keep a clean cutting edge, so the mech made up for the lack of delicacy with brute force.
It. It wasn't killing the damn thing. It was vivisecting the aliens spinal column from its body, each rib snapping off with a supersonic POP that shook Ratchets hangar and barely carried over the fucking awful sound of the thing screaming in terror.
Prowl would have never thought a Quintession could be a Victim before that moment.
Spine and brain case finally extracted, the mech lifted its prize to its opening vi- mouth.
That is its mouth. It's head was the size of his entire chassis. Inside, a stranger. Over bright eyes, straining and shaking against restraints within to get a better look at what was being held up to him. The mech moved without any input, tilting its helm back and cracking the skull to fill its open maw with cerebral fluid.
A funnel cloud touched down in the distance.
"That.? Jazz said, leaning against Prowls good side. “Is Vortex.”
TH A T. IS VORTEX
Man……I think Cybertronians would consider themselves big and scary compared to primitive earth life. And then meet Vortex. And then see Vortex in their nightmares for the next five million business years
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If you feel so inclined, reblog this and tell me about your day!
#I’ll go first!!#I cooked some boxed mac ‘n cheese and it was so good :)#I added a few too many hot dogs but eh. still amazing#went to the library to return some overdue books + pick up some new ones including A WINGFEATHER BOOK I HAVE NOT READ#it’s not about the Wingfeather kids or anything it’s more of an extra companion to the series#I’m not quite sure if it’ll be good but gosh gosh gosh I’m looking forward to reading a middle grade novel#also went to some grocery stores which is always fun#wore my long black skirt :) lovely lovely!#one of the cashier people complimented my goose-embroidered shirt which !!! :D#it’s been a fairly good day#I’m really tired but that’s nothing new#I really hope I can write later#my post
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Since the prsk videos playlist has over doubled in length since I last shared it here please enjoy the fruits of profound mental unwellness.
#if you saw it the last time I shared it you’ve seen up to akito speaks English everything after that is new#oops all rui + niigo#kidding. there’s some really good vbs videos/entire cast videos/wxs/rks etc#there’s just a lot of niigo videos I hadn’t seen yet and A Lot of rui videos#I did however find 3! whole! mmj! videos! (cheering)#no l/n yet the algorithm has not yet set me on that path.#vbs YY was so cute… Marissa stole the precious thing (?) parody was. something. idsmile mizu from 2 yrs ago made me wanna die.#oh also help me honami. that video is insane. cracked creator.#mine#fix my sleep schedule? no. watch hours of prsk videos? yes.#+ let me know if there’s anything in there that shouldn’t be. I try to vet everything so nothing Weird gets in but I’m tired#and occasionally I save before finishing the video and then it turns weird and while I think I unsaved anything that did I am also stupid.
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#at some point you make peace with the fact that that's harry’s image#he is a womanizer#but god why do these stunts always have to be with the worst people ever????#i know next to nothing about her but i’ve seen the news about her and her latest dates#so it’s easy to assume she is not good news#but i really try to understand what’s their goal (and by their i mean harry himself and his team)#honestly after the mess that it was dwd and also holivia#and the way his comment about gay sex backlashed like so badly#and also after his grammy speech not being well received#i’d assume the best thing right now would be to keep things low and quiet#like he’s only touring right now nothing to promote nothing to be relevant about#so why not keep it this way#i just would think sometimes that would be for the best??? at least just for a little while#i guess i can answer my own question by saying they’re trying to keep his name relevant and keep people talking about him#just keeping his name in the news#so people don’t forget about him or whatever#maybe i’m being naive but not all press is good press#that’s more than clear now after how much hate he’s gotten in the last 7/8 months#so why do they always go back to the same route??#we are all tired - not just his fans - but every single person that’s perceiving harry is tired#people start to resent anyone who is in the media for too long#specially if said person keeps giving you reason to maybe not like them#i’m not even angry or feeling anything really - by now i’m used to it#but you can’t tell me that the same M.O. over and over and over and over again is good#this formula has already proven (many times!!!) to not always being the right answer#like seriously what's their goal?? because harry being a womanizer is more than well established by now#i don't think we need 'proof' of it for people to say 'oh it's just an excuse for the storyline of the next album'#we actually don't need any kind of proof anymore for the rumors to exist lmao#i guess all of this is me saying that i really wish i could have the answers i'll never actually have#anyway rant over i said nothing new goodnight
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Sighs so incredibly loudly
#꒰🥀꒱ ❝ Tragic Prose ❞#okay listen here’s the thing. I’ve been trying very hard to make the whole ‘me and my longtime partner broke up’ thing stay private#because 1.) it doesn’t have much place in the public eye and 2.) I don’t want anyone to get the wrong idea and start harassing my ex#but eh… I’ll vent about it a little just this once#something I didn’t realize I’d take for granted was how my ex had basically the same taste as me#well. not down to a T but we had a lot of mutual interests and they’d be really supportive of my new crushes no matter how weird#now all of THAT is out the window I’m a bit too scared to talk about my more out-there F/Os#I know realistically you guys wouldn’t actually make fun of me but I am perpetually scared of scaring the hoes#so uh. Sorry#I realize this is kind of a milquetoast thing to whine about considering I’m talking about a fucking BREAK UP#but let’s be real if I ACTUALLY went on about the ‘oh no I miss them so much I’m nothing without them I’m a horrible person’#> shtick I’ve been thinking about for days now you guys would be sick and tired of me by now#anyways. good morning nothing like venting to start your day right
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Writing over 30,000 words worth of content for a fic only to realize it’s all pointless because you have no interest in it anymore and you were never gonna finish it anyway….
What even is The Point anymore
#current mood#it’s so joever#this isn’t even the worst part honestly#what really sucks is that this project was the last thing in my life I had any sustainable interest in and now that’s gone too.#now I have nothing. like#the fuck am I supposed to do??? get a new interest??? that’s fucking impossible#nothing hits like it used to and everything is just….bland….and SO MUCH EFFORT to get into#like hobbies are so difficult? and my old hobbies (ex writing) are becoming more and more toxic and like a chore rather than something fun#like writing at this point has become a battle of perfectionism and I’m fucking losing#what am I supposed to do. nothing inspires me. I have no interests. no hobbies. not many friends irl#and it’s not like we ever hang out because people are a fucking piece of work#either they cling to you like dog shit or they never respond to your texts no in between#im just so tired of existing??? and also college??? is fine but like#what the fuck am I DOING here like#why am I getting an art degree??? is this really how I should be spending my time and my parents money?#what the fuck am I gonna do for a job??? what do I WANT from a job???? I don’t even fucking know#i can’t see myself being happy in life doing anything and that’s such a nonstarter#it makes it impossible to start planning anything because I feel paralyzed with fear#and like I said….i don’t have any interests. I don’t LIKE anything. I am the antithesis of curiosity and interest like. there’s just nothing#i can’t do this anymore#im so done#idk why I made this so long but#I guess I have a lot on my mind I wanted to share#sorry for cringe posting on main it will happen again#im sorry in general actually for everything im sorry for being needy and attention seeking and annoying and flaky and never finishing any of#my fics because I lose interest and for not responding to anyone in my inbox I’m sorry#personal#cringe#cringetober#long tags
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#tired and sad today#idk what i want anymore and idk how to change anything but i every day i am more certain this cannot continue#everything’s fucking stupid man like i didn’t ask to be born now i’m not even allowed to not be alive cuz oooo people got feelings and shit#was it a greentext? that imaginary torture room with a sandpaper treadmill floor or whatever#if anyone knows what i’m talking about#i don’t mean to be melodramatic but that’s seriously how it feels to be alive for me exdee#like i’m just doing nothing being dragged along slowly being scraped into nothing#soon i’ll be an unfeeling lump of meat and viscera.i guess#now it really just doesn’t feel very nice#to exist or do anything or not do anything#i am incompatible with life#the guilt eats me alive#i’m sorry i’m not happy… i’m sorry it isn’t enough#i’m sorry i can’t do more and be better idk why i just cant pick myself up and keep moving for that long anymore#smh everything sucks dude#i’m going to bed#new day tmr#it will probably be mildly agonizing but generally tolerable as always#and always and always and always and
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Y’all I wanna post nudes, I wanna take cute pictures, I wanna make content again, but I have. Zero. Inspiration. Like I feel like anything I post now would just be repetitive??? (Not that that’s bad) but like idk I feel like every picture is starting to look maybe similar lol. Send help or something idk, I don’t know how to take cute nudes anymore
#mine#text post#like not that this is a way for you to request content bc that’s not really what this blog is#but like nothing I’ve made lately feels new or different or…. I don’t know#like maybe boring?? maybe that’s the word I’m looking for??? or something akin to boring lol#I’m tired and I’ve had a beer#anywho someone send help and maybe tell me I’m wrong
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Not a fan of most of the album of the year noms but midnights is definitely not the album of the year
#mypost#midnights was a subpar effort from Taylor#I’m a reputation defender so you know I’m not a Taylor hater#but midnights is just not a good album it’s forgettable it’s got#it’s got some really bad lyrics#Taylor’s success feels more like a meme than anything else at this point#I’ll continue thinking 1989 is a pop masterpiece but nothing she’s done since is great pop#and I wasn’t impressed by her foray into indie folk#well at least I’ve found a lot of other artists I genuinely like in the last few years#I’m just tired of the ts train#reminds me of when it felt like you had to be a fan of Beyoncé#one day I might write a post on how superstars take advantage of social justice to shore up their businesses#because it’s cynical to accuse people who don’t like Taylor swift of misogyny#I only listen to female artists who write all their own materials soooo#it’s such a cynical move that cheapens feminism into a marketing tactic#but what else is new?#listen to midnights if you like it idgaf#just tired of feeling like I must defend Taylor because some of her haters are knuckle dragging misogynists
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Hot take
Nowadays, ppl tend to like villains more because they actually have the guts to go against/point out the social/political issues we all see but don’t dare/bother to do s* about.
#storytelling#villains point out the system’ failures#they often raise awareness and force things to move#so stories nowadays kinda be propaganda I guess#villains#why we like villains more#they actually reflect society issues#and push for change when most ppl don’t dare to or don’t know how to#ofc it’s gonna be more interesting and hit home#and we got plenty issues to point at nowadays#pretty much every gen in fact#nothing really new if you look into it enough#anyway too much tags I’m tired now#lazy humanity#or scared#or confused#clumsiness too I guess
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#tumblr really be trying to make me buy a whole ass badge in show of support#when they clearly do nothing to actually earn our support ever#they never listen to the people who actually use tumblr#and instead of fixing things that have been broken for ages#they give the app a shiny new icon and create stuff like tumblr live#now if this site was actually doing something good#i would have seriously considered supporting them by buying a stupid badge or something#but until they learn to actually listen#they can fuck off#sorry for the rant I’m just tired#work sucks and I’m sick and i come here to escape a lil#and immediately they try to sell me shit while I’m looking at numerous stupid adds#fuck off#nx
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there’s a non-non-zero chance of success though… _(:3 」∠)_
#long depressing rant in the tags incoming ig? take warning!!#maybe it’s bc it’s 3am and i’m tired or maybe it’s bc of the 8-9 hour old fried vermicelli that i just gave up on eating but my head hurts~~#or maybe it could even be bc i spent like 3 hours unpacking my boxes (note: my fam moved last month) instead of chilling like i wanted to…#either way i saw some things while unpacking that i really should’ve left in the distant past and i’m feeling as empty as my stomach pre-米粉#though i did uncover a dogtag i had engraved years ago with nothing but a ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) on it so that was pretty funny#but other than that… i remembered all the weird things i had given up on in the past via the things i unearthed…#like cooking! i unpacked this huge 1k+ page thick cookbook thing and remembered that i had a phase where i liked to cook#then i remembered that i had mistaken salt for sugar while making some meat dish with a ton of soy sauce and byebye cooking confidence :(#and to add to that i also read a past essay of mine about my culture and i remembered my grandma and i. yeah.#and i also saw stuff from my old hobbies that i had to give up on due to money/time constraints and i just. yeah.#and not to forget all the stuff from my former friends… i swear i always get ghosted the moment we affirm that we’re friends lol#am i a walking maxed social link or something? lol? yeah i have no irl friends. none.#i’ve gotten used to it though~ i don’t mind having no friends. it leaves me with more time for myself and my sleep~#it’s just that… sometimes i get the urge to hop over the country border for some ~chewing gum~ shopping… but there’s no one to go with lol#or like when i see interesting-looking events going on at local attractions but there’s no one to check it out with… or something.#and that got me wondering… am i just wasting my life or something? it’s a new year right? so i should make some lifestyle changes too right?#…and so i bought a hairdryer for the first time a few days back. yeah. that’s enough change for 1 year. lol#who needs friends when you can have a nice warm hairdryer? blast away good pal!!!!!!!!!!!!#anyways yeah. that’s my 3am rant of the day. sorry if you read this lol#sunday’s 🧂saltfest🧂#h e lp i forgot to disable rbs on this for a bit i hate 3am brain smmmm </3
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#hoo boy lads I’m going out of my mind I have so much to do and no time to do it#‘you could have planned this out better’ Bitch I am the first person in my immediate family#who has even thought seriously about moving to a different country#and I HAVE ALREADY lived in another country before but it was within the confines of an exchange programme#nobody knows what I’m doing this time around and therefore nobody can help me plan#I’ve been feeling burnt out since Fall of 20-goddamn-22#and last semester I learned that my master’s degree programme cannot accommodate the thesis I want to write#life took my plans and ripped them up into millions of little pieces#and yeah you can say ‘tough shit. that’s life’ but I’m SO TIRED of this happening#because my whole life has been like that#‘you can make your own decisions when you have your own house/apartment/life’#OKAY you’ve been telling me that my whole life BUT WHEN IS IT SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN?#I am TRYING to take my life by the horns and make things happen but#I can’t help noticing how precarious my position is#I have to drive across country hoping my only form of transportation doesn’t somehow fail me#I have to set up a new life in a new country where I don’t know anyone and I have never lived before#it’s like trying to build a house off the side of a cliff. one wrong move? one really bad day? and I’m toast.#and yeah I signed up for this but it’s because I’M SO TIRED OF WAITING for things to fall into a place that would make this change easier#nothing’s getting easier! everything just keeps getting harder! and no matter how many times I keep beating my head against the wall#hoping I can make things fall into place…nothing seems to change for the better. and I’m sick of it!#they say good things come to those who wait but I’ve been waiting for twenty!! goddamn!! years!! and things are still the same#like standing water it just sits there and festers#I want to stop merely surviving and start LIVING for once#I want to *do* something but I need support and I feel bad asking for it#why is it so hard to make myself believe I’m allowed to take up space? why is it so hard to ask for help??#maybe because I’m worried that I’m not allowed to take up space..and I know that when I ask for help#it’s often met with non-committal sayings and shrugs and ‘well okay. you tell me what you need to do and we’ll figure it out.’#maybe I don’t know what I need to do! maybe I need help figuring that out! it doesn’t help when all I hear is ‘yep. adulting is hard’#LIKE I DIDN’T FUCKEN KNOW THAT. maybe instead of stating the obvious we could FIGURE OUT A WAY TO MOVE FORWARD?!#I’m going absolutely out of my fucken mind
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Chronic pain really got me going to bed before it’s even dark out (also my little pink unicorn lights Millie got me look so cool in the second pic)
#my back and shoulder are killing me and I’ve done nothing but smoke weed and stretch and I just hurt so bad#so I’m gonna go to bed and hopefully feel better tomorrow#I work at nine again tomorrow so if anything hopefully going to bed early helps that#I’m excited to sleep hopefully a lot and hopefully really well bc 1) weed. 2) took sleepy cough meds to try and mooch extra pain reliever#out of meds in my cabinet. 3) took a back and muscle pain Aleve (even tho I hate taking pills and it took me like three whole min to get it#down my fucking throat. 4) tired from actually using my brain and anxiety from work tired#5) period tired and chronic pain tired#like guys my brain and my body are both exhausted and the idea of getting up tomorrow and doing any of it again makes me miserable and I did#nothing but sit at a computer for three and a half hours that’s itttttt#like doing two week road-trip then non stop either emotional or physical shit every day until my first day at work#like I’m already setting myself up for this to be the summer of the grind#gonna make a bunch of money (and spend too much and blame it on the summer time and needing a little treat every time I venture out into the#heat or work a day or do anything at all) and then save a bunch all fall winter spring and once it gets colder and I feel like I can handle#my job more I want to focus on how to make moving out happen. like I need to figure out if maybe there’s somewhere I want to live that has#an Office Depot I could transfer to cause office depots are everywhere and maybe that’s an added way for me to figure out where I want to#move#hmmm okay I’m gonna lay in bed on google maps looking at Office Depot locations in New England and I’m just gonna daydream and try to fall#asleep and I’ll look at / add to my Pinterest board of house and apartment inspo#going to think about the future because I want to live !!!!#anyways yeah this is the summer of being miserable and spending all my money on bullshit and daydreaming and disappointing my mother#and also the summer of my weed tolerance doubling forever until I’m back to smoking constantly to the point where I’m making myself sick and#then I’ll get sick of smoking weed for a bit and that’ll lead me into saving money again#or force me into a tolerance break where I stop buying weed#either way I’m going to smoke all summer it’s gonna be weed and sweat and fresh fruit and laying in my room during all of my days off and it#it’s gonna suck and I’m gonna be thinking about my dad the whole time and it’ll be depressing and isolating and lonely and I’ll come out of#the summer recentered and motivated towards big goals again like I always am#and then I’ll crash and burn next spring as always. cycles continue forever thank u seasonal depression.#I want to grow up and mature in the ways I deal with myself my health and advocating for my mental health I feel like I need to grow up a#bit so I hope I do that and it feels good. I hope I make friends and I can daydream about the future every night and my room will smell like#weed and incense and sweat and love and tears and it will be incredible
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#i told myself I wasn’t going to do posts like this anymore but here we are#please ignore#i truly don’t understand what I’m supposed to be living for#I’m tired and sad and so so broke and I have no energy or motivation or inspiration to do ANYthing#I’m trying really hard to convince myself that this is all worth it but like??#the math ain’t mathin#i don’t get to experience love or intimacy#I’m in a job that I’m so sick of but I don’t have the energy to try to find a new one#especially because I don’t even want to work to begin with#i can’t get myself to focus long enough to read or write#i literally come home from work and just stare at the ceiling#or I’m running myself ragged doing colorguard bullshit#i don’t want to do any of this anymore it’s so boring and overwhelming at the same time#and like the world is literally falling to shit around us?#and there’s nothing I can do about it#i just don’t know if I’ll ever find something that makes life worth living#gosh everything seems so pointless and hopeless#I’m not even sad really just so fucking disappointed in myself and this dumb little life#and now what? how am I supposed to fix this? what can I even do?#i have no money no support no back up plan nowhere to go nothing to do#I’m just stuck here with no way out because I’m so alone and mentally I’ll and honestly just so discouraged#i keep thinking that I’ve found my new rock bottom and then someone throws down a shovel and tells me to start digging#i have no idea where to go from here#i keep trying to just take it a day at a time but days just keep coming and going and things get worse not better#and I fall further and further behind#and I’m simply just not strong enough to do anything about anything#I’m OVER this
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