#I’m really scared of doctors and shit
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Recently I’ve developed more of a “this is something I usually overthink about but right now we’re going to do it anyway because I refuse to live my life in fear” mentality and I’m kind of loving it
#it���s in a controlled way obviously#I don’t do really risky things because I do overthink things later#no but I’m so done of being in a constant state of stress and anxiety#I’m trying to make the best of it here#I’m trying so hard to grab that little moldy part of my soul that won’t let me live without worry and rip it away and put it in a container#random post#tw anxiety#unfortunately#ppl always talk about anxiety as if it’s a causal little thing but no it takes over my life#it has physically hurt me#and mentally but no one talks about the physical part#anxiety#relatable#maybe#midnight posts#health anxiety too#I’ve begged my mom to take me to the doctor because I believed something was actually wrong with me and I was going to die#heart palpitations still scare the shit out of me#when I was younger my parents would literally have to sleep with me because I thought I was going to get sick or that my pains were serious#I still stay up all night sometimes because i become too aware of my heartbeat and breathing#tw health anxiety#my biggest enemy#I would do anything to not have this#mental health#mental health is health
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Fuck yeahhh I’m so fucking happy
#I think I finally got my period !!!#which is good I really don’t want amenorrhea (although technically I went 5 months wo which is amenorrhea but I’m fine now hopefully)#it’s the lightest shit ever but it’s there so that’s something !!!#I’ve honestly been so scared I’m so happy I’ve never been happy to get a period#Woooo I don’t have to worry about osteoporosis n all that shit#I won’t have to tell my mom n get a pelvic exam !!!#It’s funny bc this past week I’ve felt like it’s gonna come I’ve had cramps n suicidal thoughts n been angry n anxious#which usually means period but I didn’t think it would come but it did !!!!#Ik I’m ranting but I’m just so happy I don’t have to go to a doctor or tell anyone#screaming
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its been over a year since we’ve had to make a post but I think I might have to say fuck it
#I can’t draw can’t walk can’t sit up n no body is answering chevy when it comes to job shit#she literally developed asthma at their old job the conditions were so shit#i really really need to go to the doctors but I’ve been trying for weeks now even to just find a new one#I know like. so many ppl have it worse than us but like#we’re kinda fucked rn n like I’m trying not to panic but I am 😭#it just sucks everytime we r doing good or like great something happens#I wish I could work but my entire body feels like it’s shutting down n I’m so scared that I won’t be able to get help#my arms are getting tired n sore just holding up my phone#this isn’t normal for me at all
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when the medications you need to take to get better make you sick, but your mom and doctors tell you that they’re supposed to make you sick before you get better, but it’s the wrong kind of sick, which means you’re not handling them well, and you’re panicking because you don’t know what to do because you can’t live with this kind of sick daily and your mom and doctors are getting more and more frustrated with you for not being med-compliant but you need help to stay med compliant and meds that don’t make your life insufferable, and you’re scared for what the next line of treatment might be since your body isn’t tolerating this kind of treatment anymore
#I hate Lyme Disease and it’s fucking treatment I hate it so fucking much#my body can’t handle oral antibiotics anymore and I’m freaking out#because I’ve already stopped treatment for like a year or two and have been inconsistent with it and STILL your stomach gets destroyed#on half of a dose of your antibiotic prescription#I don’t know what the fuck is gonna happen and I’m so scared#I know my Lyme doctor is really frustrated with me for not being med-compliant and not getting good results when I AM med-compliant#but I can’t do this shit anymore#and I’m scared he’ll stop treating me because of my lack of effort and if that happens then I’m screwed he’s the top Lyme doc in my area#and STILL I’m not making much progress#the only next step I can see is getting IV antibiotics and I really really don’t wanna get a PICC line#the thought of a PICC line icks me out I can feel it just thinking about it and I hate it#but my veins are so shitty that I know I can’t get pricked everyday for an IV
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guys should I be put down 💭💭
#I’m stupidddddd I’m so. behind. socially mentally…#Even academically god. Everything is bad. I’m so tired and scared all the time. Nothing really has changed since highschool.#thé parent stress has become friendship stress and I haven’t had 18 years to learn how to manage that …#what I need to do is get out of bed. That will be step one in my. day.#ugh. I don’t wanna deal oTL#also every once in awhile I remember bpd 💭💭 I think I need to go to therapy I need someone to tell me what’s wrong w me.#I think I kind of ruled it out bc of sensory stuff + like. the ways I am 💭💭 differential diagnosis not as thorough as could be possible..#I don wanna go to doctor……. And did u know u can have 2 things at once.#anyway the last few days definitely feel like splitting 💭💭💭💭 and was in fact triggered by perceived abandonment. So.#I might also just not be able to cope w shit from lack of experience though 💭💭
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bough
#I hate spiraling#I managed to stop before it got worse but now I’m just still in a state from the spiraling and I’m just. I’m so tired of thinking I’m dying#everyday it’s so exhausting and the fear is never ending and the worry that maybe I am really dying and I have no idea bc I’m scared to go#to the doctor and then it’s my fault I waited so long etc. and then it’s like if I am what have I even done with my life? what is there to#be proud of or look at and feel fulfilled? atp in my life I have wasted my life I’ve done nothing and I’m rotting away and it’s like if I#found out I was dying it’s like that’s all I got I wasted so much time etc. and I’m just spiraling out tonight man it sucks I hate this I#hate my brain I just want to be fucking normal and not be scared everyday that I’m genuinely dying and it’s my fault and that I’m wasting my#life away not doing so many things I wanted to and like you think well jay shouldn’t that encourage you to live life to the fullest of your#ability? and yeah I’d love to but then my head just thinks all those things again and the cycle repeats and I just am so terrified as soon#as something in my body hurts or something is off etc. because my immediate thought is just its fucking over man and I’m too scared to go#to the doctor about things and I’m just repeating shit now I’m sorry if anyone Ben reads this far I’m obviously having a night#I’m just talking to the wall with this post but it helps me calm down a little I guess#god I need a therapist I stopped looking but I think it’s time I get back on that and quick because I really don’t think I can keep living#this way anymore it is so genuinely exhausting and I dont know how to help myself with it#sorry if anyone gets a peek at this actually. I obviously need help and this is just an outlet for me rn ig
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okay, so lil steroid shot seemingly hasn’t done much for my breathing, but it did give me a bit of… uh… *squints at side effects* insomnia and sore butt
#lil lil lil bit on edge#hmm hmm hmm maybe nothing is going to help this except time and work which is… laaaaaame 🙄#my butt cheek is still kinda sore#so that’s… what I got going on#doctor wanted to give me vistaril and I immediately shot that shit down#that is evil benadryl#I got some for anxiety attacks about a year ago and HATED them#makes me super sleepy but also extra anxious and helpless and nauseas#I tried one just the other night to see if maybe my body was better with it now. NOPE! that made me feel scared.#brains are weird. I’m sorry buddy. I’m trying to find you good stuff I promise. I still love you mushball#anyway. I went to after hours care. everyone was very nice.#knew they wouldn’t be able to do anything really in depth but they got me a shot and I appreciate them actually listening to me#no copay luckily so… maybe it went ok. got a shot. got to complain to someone. got to feel like I was actually doing something. kinda good.#I apologized for not shaving my butt. but he seemed like a cool dude. he was young. had a neat mustache. nice guy.#I daydream about someone pushing a tube through my nasal passages and opening everything up#that’s all I want.#and then someone going in and excising every growth and expanding all my passages so I have huge fuckin tunnels for nasal passages yeehaw#it’s take everything one hour at a time now#I was so anxious last night. still anxious and on edge today. I’m sure I’ve got some bad vibe chemicals building up in my blood#what like cortisol or something. I don’t know juices! I just know it’s not good to be on edge for a month nonstop.#I didn’t mean to put this many tags#anyway I love you. think of me as your whiny uncle. tell me about your Minecraft world. I know my eyes are closed but I swear I’m listening#you can ignore this#text
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My moms trying to fatten me up because I’m really underweight I guess and it’s SO FUCKING ANNOYING OMG UGHHHHHHH
#I know she cares for me but I really hate not having control over my eating like ughhh#it’s giving me anxiety bc of my old eating disorder#and this all came from a meeting bc of my anxiety I just can’t UGH#for context I had to be weighed for medicine and I’m like underweight or whatever#my last doctors appointment I was categorized underweight as well and they started feeding me these smoothies and I hated it bc of the -#control over eating thing and all that this talk about my weight is causing me to do is worry and stress over my weight more and it’s making#me want to lose even more weight just to have my control back and I’m now even more conscious about my body yay thanks healthcare#it’s not their problem I had/still have an eating disorder but the reason I’m not telling them is because of shit like this and being thrown#into a psyche ward and getting tubes tied to me like ugh#also I’m scared I’ll gain like 200 pounds on this medicine bc I heard of like birth control making you gain 20 pounds or whatever#all of this ‘therapy’ for my anxiety making me more ancious is so funny like
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Still thinking about the Social Worker Jazz concept that @gilbirda posted about and it's slowly turning into a full Anger Management fic send help
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Jason at length - much longer than it really should have taken really - set the resume down.
The new Social Worker’s resume. Because she was there, in his office, trying to convince him to hire her as a member of his criminal organization.
Crime Alley’s new social worker. A bright eyed Midwestern transplant from some tiny speck of a place that only qualified as a city because there was nothing bigger in a hundred miles in any direction to claim otherwise. The new social worker who had a Psy D. and three masters degrees and who had graduated Valedictorian. The one that had high paying private gigs lined up all over the country with the offering companies fighting over her.
The one who had, apparently, decided to take a shit job in Gotham’s shoddy social services department instead. The one that got kicked to Crime Alley - which was its own division despite technically being a small neighborhood in the grand scheme of things - within her first month. Supposedly for the sole purpose of scaring her off or getting her killed for all the questions she was asking and secret dealings she was sticking her nose into.
That social worker.
“I’m gonna need you to run this by me again.” Jason said, never so grateful for the voice modulator in his helmet as he was in that moment. It stripped out the bewilderment that had bled through into his words and made him sound stoic instead.
“I’d like to work for you.” The social worker - one Dr. Jasmine Nightingale - repeated primly. Back straight, clothes neat - if skewing more on the librarian side of professional - expression confident and hopeful. Completely and utterly oblivious of how fucking insane she sounded. “I was told that you’re the person in charge of Crime Alley.”
He resisted the urge to scrub at his face. It’d just look weird with his helmet on and not do anything to actually settle him in that moment anyway. “I understood that part.”
“Look, Doc,” She earned a doctorate and she was crazy enough to waltz into the office of one of Gotham’s most powerful Crime Lords, he’d be respectful about using her proper title at least, even if he suspected she was ten pounds of crazy in a five pound bag. “You’re going to have to tell me why. I was under the impression the only reason you ended up dumped on our end of the city ws because you wouldn’t play ball. But now you want to sign up for my crew?”
Nightingale frowned a little at that.
“Is that what people are saying?”
“What else are they gonna say?” Jason answered, leaning back in his seat, “Head of the department only dumps Crime Alley on folks he don’t like. And everyone knows he doesn’t like anyone that can’t or won’t play his game by his rules.”
“Alright, well. I’ll give you that.” Nightingale conceded, “Payne doesn’t like me. The feeling’s mutual. But for the record,” She added giving him a wry smile, as if sharing wry smiles with Red Hood was just something people did, “I asked to be assigned to the Park Row and Bowery neighborhoods.”
“You wanted to work here.”
“Yes.”
“Bullshit.”
Nightingale laughed. It was a bright sound. Not especially clear or pretty, but warm and welcoming in a way that carefully calculated giggles or overdone guffaws couldn’t be. Something with real and honest amusement in it, that encouraged those nearby to laugh along. Not the kind of involuntary, nervous chuckling people tended to slip into when they thought they had pissed someone that scared them off.
She just wasn’t intimidated by him at all, was she?
Behind his helmet, Jason found himself smiling. Just a bit.
“I’m serious.” She assured, blue-green eyes meeting the dark stare of his helmet without a moment of hesitation. He watched as she brushed a lock of her bright red hair behind her ear and out of the way. She’d woven it all into a practical, neat braid but a few sly pieces had snuck out to bounce around her. Gilding her quiet professionalism with a playful charm that worked well with her academia but make it cottagecore kindergarten teacher aesthetic.
“I’ll admit, Gotham wasn’t part of my plan when I first graduated. Time and choices take you funny places sometimes.” She plucked an invisible bit of lint off her soft blue cardigan, not nervous but absent as her gaze went distant for a moment. Thinking back on the events that had led her to his fine city. In a blink, those sharp eyes were back to focusing entirely on him. “But Gotham is where I am now, and I want to help.”
She looked at him, a serious, determined expression settling easily on her face. “The city as a whole has so much chaos and crime breaking out all the time.” No censure or horror in her voice, just a neutral fact to be observed. “But where the rest of the city has millions of dollars poured into it by various foundations or charities run by the Waynes, Park Row is largely ignored.”
Jason watched as steeliness sharpened her gaze, the blue-green shifting from the shine of a bird’s wing to the warning hue of something poisonous and deadly. “No one deserves that. No one.” Her chin tilted up, proud but not imperious. “So yes, I want to work here. There are people in Park Row and the Bowery who need help and I refuse to let any of them feel like they are going to be ignored.”
Jason considered her.
Really looked at her. Pealing back his initial off handed impression of her as some clueless transplant in over her head with no idea of what she was doing or what she was poking her nose into to find the real woman beneath. Her confident poise, her clear unshakable belief, her unflinching willingness to look danger in the eye and not blink. The tense curve of her frown, the lines of pain at the corners of her eyes, the simmering anger beneath it all. There was an edge to her, too. Something sharp and dangerously well hidden by the cardigan and folksy charm of her accent.
It was personal for the woman before him, Jason realized. Maybe not Crime Alley specifically, but something about the whole situation. The treatment the neighborhood and its residents received from the city at large, from those even beyond it.
Crime Alley wasn’t a place that received much in the way of charitable thought. The average joe with their house in Somerset and job at some corporate shithole hating every second of their life but thinking at least I don’t live in Crime Alley. Those asshole hoity-toites in city hall throwing money around equally between shit that’d get them re-elected and their off-shore slush funds in the Caymens doing their damn level best to pretend the black mark on the other end of the city just didn’t exist. Bruce, flooding the entire city with charitable programs and carefully constructed infrastructures shying away from the manifested grief and trauma that was the place he watched his parents get murdered.
For the most part no one from outside of the Alley gave a shit about the Alley other than as a place to avoid at all costs. And most of the time those natives that manages to claw their way out into better and brighter lives didn’t ever turn to glance back. Orpheus could have learned a thing or to from an ex-Alley Kid who managed to eek out a steady 9-to-5 and move to Burnley.
And something about that seemed to piss Dr. Jasmine Nightingale Psy. D right the fuck off.
He could see why Bill said he liked her enough to let her in.
“Alright.” He said, tilting his head, watching the woman seated across from him carefully, “Still doesn’t explain what you’re doing here. Why you’re trying to get on my payroll.”
“I’m not trying to get on your payroll.” She said, some of the glinting edge softening, but the steel remaining. Strong and unyielding. “I’m trying to get into your community outreach program.”
Jason thanked god and all the saints once again for the gift of his helmet. That baby had saved his ass more times than he could count both by keeping his head in one piece and keeping his stupefied expressions wrapped up and hidden from view. Dr. Nightingale was one hell of a woman to make him have to rely on that fact twice in one conversation.
“Wasn’t aware that was something I had.”
Nightingale, not fortunate enough to have a full face covering helmet of her own, had nothing to hide her stupefied expression behind. Jason had a feeling she might have removed it to make sure he saw even if she did though. She looked like she had caught him eating glue like it was a cheese stick.
“Yes you do.” She said, sounding deeply confused but unshakable confident in what she was saying. “I’ve seen it. The soup kitchens, the shelters, the collection boxes for donating old clothes, the after school day care.” Nightingale ticked off on her fingers, “I’ve lived here for less than two weeks and I’ve lost count of all the things I’ve seen setup to help people struggling in the area that I’ve been very reliably informed you and your organization are behind.”
Oh.
Those.
“Those aren’t part of some community outreach program.” He said, “We are simply locals offering services for our neighbors.”
He watched as her caught-him-eating-glue expression shifted into one that said she’d stumbled upon him licking electrical sockets for a mid-day pick-me-up instead. He had to give it to her, the woman was not afraid to let one of the most dangerous men in the city know she thought he was a fucking idiot.
“Let me see if I understand this right.” She said, and he appreciated that there wasn’t any kind of condescension in her voice, even though she very clearly thought he’d been dropped on his head as a baby. Possibly from the top of a three story building. “You have a large group of people working together to plan, organize and execute multiple services in your area - your community, if you will - that provide aid and support to those that otherwise would not receive it. Reaching out with your available time and resources to offer these services, that you provide. For free.”
Alright, Jason got it. He had stumbled ass backwards into creating a community outreach program. But he wasn’t just going to let her think she won this one. He was Red Hood, he had a reputation to uphold here.
“What makes you think any of that is free?” He tilted his head at just the right angle, the one that cast shadows across the planes of his helmet and made him look hell-touched and terrifying. “Just because we don’t charge money, doesn’t mean there isn’t a price to pay.”
Dr. Nightingale, dressed like a damn kindergarten teacher, laughed at him.
#dpxdc#jazz fen#jason todd#social worker jazz#social worker jazz fenton#anger management ship#anger management#pre anger management#jason todd x jazz fenton#i don't know why i keep writing scenes where Jazz writes resumes to apply to work for crime bosses but it just feels right in my soul okay#the real reason Jason wears a full face helmet is so people can't tell when he utterly fails to hide his emotions about something#the idea of social worker jazz working in crime alley has completely consumed me mind body and soul
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keep your pretty face out of trouble
written for @steddieangstyaugust day 20
prompt: "I didn't know where else to go." | rated: T | wc: 2.596 | cw: mentions of blood, injuries, homophobia | tags: Steve Harrington is a mess, and so is his face, Eddie Munson has a crush on Steve Harrington, Hurt/Comfort, Friendship, Friends to Lovers | also on ao3
Eddie didn’t really know what to expect when he entered the Henderson’s home. Dustin had been quite vague on the phone, didn’t say much at all to be honest, nothing of substance at least. Nothing that could’ve prepared Eddie for what he finds when he steps into the living room where, next to his little pal, he finds none other than Steve Harrington sitting on the couch.
And as if that isn’t confusing enough, what’s really concerning is the way he looks.
His face is fucked. Beaten, bruised, mush. There is blood on his lower lip and dripping out from his nose into a tissue that’s already soaked.
Dustin is sitting by his side, holding what seems to be a bag of frozen peas against the older boy’s neck.
“Dustin, what the fu-“
He doesn’t get to finish his question because Steve suddenly looks up, eyes wide in shock like he’s just now becoming aware of Eddie’s presence, before turning to Dustin with an expression that isn’t at all hard to read.
What’s he doing here?
Dustin lets go of the frozen goods in order to hold both hands up defensively.
“Hey, don’t look at me like that! I didn’t know what to do, so I called Eddie.”
“You shouldn’t have done that. I’m fine.”
“You are very clearly not fine, Steve!”
They’re doing this weird but kinda adorable staring competition they often do when they’re arguing and it would be amusing to watch if it weren’t for whatever the fuck is going on with Steve’s face.
Dustin doesn’t waver, holds Steve’s disapproving gaze seemingly unimpressed but Eddie could hear the tremble in his voice, knows Dustin is only barely keeping it together.
Always trying to keep up a brave face, Dustin is, but Eddie knows his vulnerable side, too. Maybe that’s why Dustin called him instead of Wheeler or any of the other Gremlins when Steve- what? Appeared on his doorstep all beat-up? Or where they out together when it happened? Is Dustin hurt, too?
Eddie shakes himself out of his thoughts, lets his eyes wander between the two, both hands on his hips like he’s seen Steve do whenever he’s trying to make a point.
“Alright, enough! Can someone please tell me what happened?” Eddie asks as he steps closer, watching Steve’s shoulders tense immediately.
“I told you, I’m fine. I just- I didn’t know where else to go! Robin’s not home and-”
Okay, ouch! Eddie feels slightly offended. Steve could’ve come to him instead of-
Nevermind. There are bigger problems at hand.
“It was stupid, I’m sorry. I’ll be out of your hair.”
Steve makes an attempt to stand up but his body betrays him as soon as he’s on his feet, swaying slightly into Eddie’s direction, who catches him instinctively, steadies him with a hand on his arm.
“Woah there, big boy! You’re gonna sit your ass back down for me, okay?”
Eddie can sense that Steve wants to put up a fight but thankfully, he doesn’t. Instead, he lets Eddie guide him back down.
“Some assholes did this to him,” Dustin finally says. “I don’t know who but Steve said he got into a fight.”
“I only came here because it was closer than my place,” Steve grumbles, obviously regretting his decision now.
“You scared the shit out of me, Steve! So I called Eddie because- well, I don’t know. I thought maybe he could help talk some sense into you. You need to go to the hospital! Or a doctor, I don’t care but someone’s gotta take care of that.” Dustin says, pointing at the mess that is Steve’s face.
“I don’t need a doctor. I’m fine, really. See, it already stopped bleeding.”
Steve retrieves the once-white-now-red tissue to prove that the bleeding has stopped, which it has. But Eddie can see in Dustin’s eyes that the boy is still not convinced enough to let him off the hook.
“Let me have a look?” Eddie gently takes hold of Steve’s chin to tilt his head up, feels his courage falter for a split-second when Steve’s pupils suddenly dilate and he can see by the bob of his Adam’s apple, that he has to swallow down hard.
God, even with his face bloody and bruised Steve is fucking gorgeous. It’s really not fair, if you asked Eddie. That guy is beyond anything he could ever wish to-
No, no. Focus, Munson.
“Let’s see if we gotta be worried about your pretty face being blemished by a broken nose, ey?” Eddie jokes just to cover his own nervousness.
“How would you know if it’s broken? You’re not a doctor.” Dustin protests, rightfully sceptical about Eddie’s ability to come up with a valid diagnosis.
“Ah, see, when you’ve had your nose broken several times, you kinda know what to look for,” Eddie replies nonchalantly as he examines the swelling around Steve’s nose, ignoring the sad, kind of pitying look in Steve’s eyes at his statement.
“I think you’re good, Harrington. Still straight and beautiful as ever. It’ll hurt for a few days but you’ll live,” Eddie says with a wink, hesitating to let go of his face even if there’s no need to hold him still anymore.
For a moment, their eyes are locked in on each other, both staring wide-eyed and kind of lost in some spellbound haze that makes it impossible for either of them to look away.
Unfortunately – or rather, lucky for him – Dustin’s voice breaks through the static crackling in Eddie’s ears and brings him back to reality.
“I don’t know Eddie. Are you sure it’s not broken?”
Eddie finally lets go of Steve, not without an instant feeling of regret at the loss of contact, and turns to the younger boy.
“I’m sure, Dusty. Believe me, when you’ve been beat up as often as I have, you quickly learn to know the difference between injuries that’ll hurt like a bitch but are otherwise harmless, and injuries that need medical attention.”
It does look worse than it is, thankfully. And with a bit of ice and some rest, Steve will be back on his feet in no time.
This, however, brings Eddie back to wondering what even got Steve in the state he’s currently in.
“Wanna tell me who did this? What happened?”
Steve looks down at his hands, fumbling with an invisible thread on his neat jeans.
“I, uh- got into a fight with some guys because they were talking shit about, uh-“
His eyes dart up to Eddie, just for the flicker of a moment, looking almost ashamed with that light blush creeping up from his cheeks to his ears, before he finds his voice again.
“About someone I care a lot about. They were being mean, called them some disgusting shit, made assumptions about them without knowing them. They-“ Steve looks at Dustin, obviously contemplating whether to say out loud what’s on his mind.
“They said these things like, how someone should teach them a lesson. To, uh, to set them straight.”
Steve swallows thickly, and the shuddering inhale tells Eddie that he’s trying his best not to break. That whatever it is he’s trying to say really gets to him.
Eddie is confused; he has a feeling that there’s more to Steve’s words. Like, maybe he doesn’t want to alert Dustin with the harsh reality of what they really meant.
‘Teach them a lesson’, the words echo in Eddie’s mind, ‘Set them straight.’
And suddenly, it dawns on him.
Suddenly, he understands what Steve is trying to say.
Did they- this is about Robin, right? Steve said they were talking shit about someone he cares a lot about.
Did these fuckers, whoever they might be, threaten to harm her for being... a lesbian? Is that it? It must be, right? It’s the only thing that makes sense, would explain why he’s all choked-up about it because everyone knows how deep their friendship is. How much Steve cares for Robin.
Fucking small-minded small-town dickheads and their outdated view on how things should be. God, Eddie hates it. Hates everything about them being stuck in a town where people still have to be afraid of openly showing who they are and who they love.
It’s why he never had a relationship. Why he flees to Indy and beyond on the weekends, whenever he’s desperate enough. He’ll never find love as long as he’s stuck here – for multiple reasons.
Robin is so much braver than him. Said fuck it a few weeks ago when she finally found the courage to ask out that girl she’s had a crush on forever. It was the talk of town the next day – ‘Did you hear that? Someone saw that Buckley girl kiss another girl! Can you believe that? What a disgrace. Displaying this filthy behaviour without any shame.’
Fucking assholes.
Thankfully, like with most gossip, people eventually lost interest and moved on to whatever next thing it was they found to deflect from their own miserable lives. But the damage had already been done. Ever since, Robin has been walking around with a big, fat, neon sign on her forehead, saying ‘I’m queer and proud’ – which should be liberating, a cause for celebration, but it’s not.
Not here, anyway.
“Eddie?”
The warmth of Steve’s palm on his arm brings him back.
“Huh? What? What is it?”
“You, uh... kinda zoned out there for a moment. Are you okay?”
This startles a laugh out of him. Of course, Steve would ask him if he’s okay, when he’s the one with a swollen face. Typical.
“Yeah, sorry. It’s just- tell me who.”
“What?”
“Who where those guys. I’m feeling petty and I haven’t been in a fight for a while.”
Eddie wiggles his brows at Steve and grins, makes it sound like a joke. But Steve must see the rage in his eyes, must sense that he means it because there’s suddenly so much worry in his eyes, the kind of honest concern that makes Eddie’s heart melt.
“I don’t- No, Eddie. I won’t tell you. You need to stay away from those guys! That’s what they’d want and I don’t want anything to happen to you!”
Steve seems frantic, like the mere thought of Eddie getting into a fight with them is making him panic.
But why would he-
“They’re a bunch of assholes! And I told them, if they ever dare to lay a hand on you, they’ll wish they’d finish what they started today. I will not let some intolerant bigots hurt you!”
Oh.
This has never been about Robin, has it?
They’ve been talking shit about Eddie.
And Steve-
“Why would you get into a fight over me?!”
Eddie jumps off the sofa, both hands in his hair, tugging roughly at his own curls.
“What do you mean? Why wouldn’t I?” Steve replies sounding perplexed. “I care about you, Eddie! And it’s not okay that these- these fuckers think that only because you’re- only because you are who you are, it’s okay to treat you like that. Doesn’t matter if it’s behind your back or to your face!”
Steve takes a deep breath trying to calm his voice.
“To say shit like they’re going to do- bad things to you? How can I stand there and listen to that and do nothing?”
This is too much for Eddie. It’s too much for so many reasons, most of which he’s not ready to explain.
The worst and most important one, though, is that Steve’s face is covered in bruises because he was protecting Eddie. Steve got into a fight because someone threatened to hurt Eddie and in return, got hurt because of him.
“Well, look where that got you! You don’t have to always be the hero, Steve.” It’s not meant as an insult, although it must sound like one.
“I’m used to people talking shit about me. I can live with that.”
Steve opens his mouth to say something but Eddie beats him to it.
“What I can’t live with, is knowing that you could’ve gotten seriously injured because you were trying to defend me.”
Dustin stays uncharacteristically quiet the whole time, just alternates his gaze between Steve and Eddie, stunned into silence by whatever weird scene it is that’s unravelling before his eyes.
Eddie can’t blame him, can’t really wrap his head around any of it himself.
Why are they shouting? What are they even arguing about? And why the fuck is Steve suddenly so close? Why is he holding his hands? And why does he look at him like he-
“Steve, I really appreciate you looking out for me, okay? But I can’t take it to see you get hurt. You’re face is too pretty to be covered in blood.”
Eddie huffs out a tentative laugh and to his relief, Steve does too, but not without rolling his eyes in fake annoyance at Eddie’s cheesy line.
“Are you guys gonna make out now?”
They both turn around only to find Dustin standing there with a shit-eating grin on his face.
“Because as much I love you, I think there are some things my innocent eyes do not have to see.”
“Shut up you little shit!” Eddie scolds him but does so with a smile on his lips because-
Because Dustin might be onto something here. Or at least that’s what it feels like. Because Steve still hasn’t let go of his hands. And while Eddie is trying his best not to completely drown in Steve’s eyes by looking at Dustin instead, he can still feel Steve’s eyes on him.
And when he turns back, Steve has this fond, almost loving look on his face; an expression so soft not even the swollen nose or the dried blood can take away from the beauty of it.
Just for a moment, Eddie allows himself to dream. To wonder if maybe he can find love in this godforsaken town after all. Thinks, foolishly, that if Robin can have her happy ending, maybe he can, too.
“For real, guys. The tension is killing me. Can you either speed this up or take it somewhere else because I can’t take it.”
“Get used to it, shithead,” Steve says without looking at him, eyes still trained on Eddie.
“Yeah, Dusty. Get used to it because I’m gonna be so annoying once your babysitter’s face is all healed up,” Eddie teasingly agrees, ignoring Dustin’s defeated sigh.
“Does that mean you want to kiss me?” Steve asks a little breathless.
Eddie leans closer to him and whispers “Want nothing more. But I wouldn’t want our first kiss to hurt so it’s gotta wait. And you need to keep your pretty face out of trouble. Understood?”
He doesn’t know where this sudden rush of bravery is coming from but he takes it, needs it because-
“I might be a little bit in love with you, Stevie. So I need you take better care of yourself, okay? I can’t let you get hurt.”
Somewhere in the room, Dustin is making fake gagging noises but Eddie’s focus is set on Steve who looks like he’s in trance, like he can’t believe what Eddie just told him.
“I will, promise,” he finally says and sure, Eddie might have hoped for a little love confession in return for his own but he doesn’t need Steve to say it to know that this isn’t a one-sided crush.
And he’ll make damn sure Steve keeps his promise because he really wants that kiss as soon as possible.
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Fast Car Three (of four)
masterpost
“Why would I ever need help from Victor?” Danny scrunched up his brow and puzzled aloud after his passenger got out. He didn't mean to be rude but he was genuinely confused. Vic seemed nice enough, but he was kinda delicate, wasn't he? He was scared of Batman. What for? He was just some guy who was so risk-averse that he wore a motorcycle helmet out in public. He probably held the world's record for diagnosed anxiety disorders or something.
‘I’m lucky he's so reactive,’ Danny chided himself not to be ungrateful. ‘If he wasn't, like, hyper-vigilant I might have had to talk to Batman. Horrific.’
He shuddered at the thought. He had planned to work a little more, but Danny decided to go back home and rest for a bit. His nerves were a little shot after the excitement of the morning.
Oh, right. He hadn't checked what his tip was yet. Danny unfolded the bills and his eyes bugged out. “This is fifty dollars,” he said incredulously. “He paid me fifty dollars to take him like 10 blocks, with a 50 block detour.”
Was Victor, like, okay? Danny cast a dubious look back in his rearview mirror and caught the barest glance of Victor's ridiculously jacked form disappearing into one of the murder warehouses. What a guy. Why'd he do-
“He was hitting on me?” Danny's voice reached a whistle pitch. Ah! Ah!!! Holy shit. What the hell? His face burnt red and he floored it back to his apartment complex, trying to get his heart rate under control.
It was so obvious in retrospect! The weird awkward pauses in conversation! The huge tips! Asking for his number!
Danny pulled to a stop at a yellow light rather than run it explicitly so that he could bang his head against the steering wheel.
“I don't even know if he's hot,” Danny wailed. Instantly he knew it was a lie. He didn't know what Victor’s face looked like. He didn't remember what the photo had looked like anymore and the information was long gone. But he knew that Victor was tall, fit as fuck, and had really nice hands.
Danny bit his lip and howled sadly. It helped, a little. He stole a glance at the receipt with Victor's phone number on it. He couldn't help but memorize the number.
“I'm not going to call,” Danny told himself. Even if it was flattering. Victor might be a sketchy guy! Only sketchy people were out at the hours Danny worked. Danny couldn't afford association with anyone like that because he needed the authorities to never ever look at him.
Also, and probably more importantly: you can't go to medical school if you have any kind of criminal record. If Danny was going to be Doctor Fenton the fourth and be able to provide his and Ellie's medical care, he needed to be a model citizen. He couldn’t trust that Vic would keep him out of whatever weird shit he was involved in.
Well. It wasn't like he was complicit in anything. Danny parked his beloved shitty car in the garage and took the stairs up to his apartment. He opened the door, saw Batman in his kitchen, and closed the door.
“Fuck.”
Danny turned intangible and dropped like a rock through the floors. He was back in the driver's seat in less than 5 seconds. He turned it on and called Victor with one hand, because he'd just gotten the guy's number and he didn't exactly know a lot of Gothamites. “Hey, what do I do if Batman is in my apartment?” He said as soon as it connected. He turned the car on and peeled out onto the street.
“Wha- move, I guess. Is he there for fucking real?” Victor's electronic voice somehow managed to come across incredulous. “You probably shouldn't go back there. You're in your car?” A horn honked in the background. “You're faster,” Victor said. His confidence gave Danny a little. “I'll send you my gps point. Come to me and we can strategize how to get him off your tail.”
Danny swallowed hard. “Okay,” he said, and violently repressed the part of him asking why this nervous ass Gothamite would know any better than he did. At least Victor was a local. His phone pinged and he opened up the address. “Got it.”
“See you soon.” Victor hung up.
Danny burnt rubber out of there, heart all the way up in his throat. Why was Batman after him? What did he know? He gasped for air, feeling like he was choking. He needed to be normal. He needed to- to get his degree and get his career and never ever have a whole fucking militaristic brancho of the government after him. He was one guy. When he was 14 he'd thought it was a funny game and the GIW were a bunch of chumps. But they were a bunch of chumps with money, weapons, and numbers. He couldn't afford to fuck with them. The fact that his parents gritted their teeth through associating with the GIW was the only thing that kept suspicion off of Danny.
He cycled through a panic attack and then into anger. What the hell, dude? Danny got that Batman had a bee up his ass about metahumans “in his city” (like he fucking owned it??) but Danny wasn't causing crime or fighting it. He was going to classes and trying to survive. Batman had no right to get involved in his business.
He was steaming mad by the time he pulled up to where Victor was waiting for him. Victor hauled open an old style garage door and ushered him in quickly. Danny parked inside and sighed over the steering wheel. It took a few moments to center himself and then he got out. “Hey.” He lifted a hand in greeting and then shoved it in his pocket, feeling unimaginably weary. It wasn't even 5 am, jeeze. What was his life? “Thanks for answering.” He cleared his throat and bumped his butt against the hood of his car. “Helluva morning,” he complained dryly.
“It's no problem.” Victor seemed a little stiff and uncomfortable, standing in the middle of the other parking space. Either that or he was posing. “It's not your fault.”
Danny let out a snort. “It's not, but what does that matter?” He shrugged. And then he realized- “Wait, do you know what I am- scratch that.” He made a hand gesture to wave that away. Victor had known what Amity Park was offhand and he'd had a chance to see Danny phase the car through solid matter. “I guess what matters more is why Batman is on my ass. D’you think he knows?”
Victor looked at him for a long time. “No…”
“No, what?” Danny narrowed his eyes up at the taller man.
“I don't think Batman knows that you're…” Victor made a gesture at Danny that explained nothing. “Whatever you are. I think he wants to ask you what you know about me.”
Danny stared blankly at him. “About you,” he echoed. He gave Victor a dubious look. “Why would he care about you?”
Victor lifted a gloved finger and pointed at his helmet as if that was supposed to mean something. Danny tilted his head to the side like a bird and raised one eyebrow. “Because I'm the Red Hood?” Victor said dubiously. “You know that, right?”
“You're Victor,” Danny said. He furrowed his brows. “Is - is The Red Hood like, your drag persona or something? Cool for you but it's not really relevant -”
Victor tore off the helmet to reveal a face that was a lot younger than Danny had anticipated. “It's not a drag persona,” he snapped. “It's- I'm the Red goddamn Hood! You have to have seen me on the news!”
Danny mutely shook his head. He thought about saying that he didn’t watch the news, but he sort of felt bad for the guy. It was probably safer not to comment.
“It's been non-stop,” Victor said, and Danny could really tell how incredulous he felt without that goofy voice filter effect removing the pout from his voice. “I dropped 13 human heads off at the police station yesterday. Come on!”
He blinked.
Wait.
One.
Second.
“You had me take you to the police with contraband?” Danny roared, incandescent with fury.
“Uh.” Victor looked a little shifty now, even with that dweeb ass mask covering from his eyebrows to his cheekbones. “Yeah, I guess-”
“I'm going to go to medical school!” Danny roared, and suplexed the bastard. Victor went down with a howl and a valiant attempt to dig out Danny's eye with his bent index and middle fingers. Danny went selectively intangible and rolled them both over to start slapping Victor on his stupid face. “I-” slap “can't” slap “have” slap “a criminal record!” He leaned so far forward that his lips were nearly touching Victor's. “Capiche?” Danny jabbed a finger into Victor's stupidly ripped chest.
“Um.”
“Capiche? Understand? Do you get my meaning?” Danny howled. “I am an illegal entity! My paperwork is suspect!” He dug his knees a little harder into Victor's sides, struggling to control his strength.
“Hey man, me too,” said Victor. He seemed mildly surprised by this commonality. “That's why I can't get a driver's license.” He put his hands up by his head. The movement made his incredible biceps sort of…pulse. Bulge?
Danny blinked, attention caught by something about what Victor had said. “How'd you get your Uber account verified without- oh my god!” He threw his hands up in disgust. “You're not even Victor, are you? Your first word to me was a lie?”
Not-Victor laughed. Danny was surprised enough that he loosened his grip. But the other guy didn't try to get out. “You're fun,” he said. He had a nice smile, crooked and kissable. Oh, fuck.
Danny felt his whole face burn red. Shit. Abort. He scrambled up, suddenly mortified that he was sitting on the other guy. “What's your name?” he demanded, trying to sound unaffected and mean.
“Jay.”
“You're sure this time?” Danny managed to work up a little more indignation.
“Hands to god, on my grave,” Jay promised. Danny sort of hated that he believed it.
Danny relented. “Fine.” It wasn’t like he had any moral high ground to stand on about maintaining secret identities, if he was honest. He huffed and crossed his arms. “How do I get Batman off my ass? I'm guessing you don't want me to talk to him about you.”
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stress triggered chronic pain let’s goooo
#idk something feels wrong#I should probably go to the doctors but idk#part of me is like. if something is wrong idk wanna know#just let me die ignorantly yanno#but I don’t want to die#and I don’t want to be in pain#I’m scared of bad news but I’m also scared they’ll just say there’s nothing wrong with me#I still have unpaid hospital bills I don’t#I don’t want to waste anyone’s time#but I feel so bad#and I have been and I know Inhave chronic pain but I’m tired of hurting all the time#I want to take a run or something#I want to walk or something idk I just. feel so bad I don’t want to be in pain anymore#and it’d be different if I was like thin or somethin#I could kinda sorta get away with it then (not really) to be disabled ur already treated like shit but to be disabled and fat? then its like#ooooh you did this to ur self n its like I think my weight is a symptom not a cause#I matured very fast because of csa and idk I think I have a hormone problem which causes months long heavy periods amoung other things#I had body hair when I was like. 6 and I’ve always had aches and pains and nerve issues since I was a child#getting stomped on by other kids when I was only like..5? and having an adult bend my legs higher than they could go probably didn’t help#however that’s a long time ago. I just think that things never got the chance to heal right and if they did that’d be half of my pain gone#I need to go outside and idk get fucked or something. need to clear my head#we went out a few days ago and my body still hurts from it and I barely did anything -_- sitting down hurts walking hurts laying down hurts#swimming doesn’t hurt tho. I miss swimming
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…idk if there’s bears in austria but i’m just imagining a scenario where könig comes home, only to find theres this grown ass bear on his front porch and Mrs. König is catering to it like it’s her own child or something
You gave your man a heart attack, congratulations!! He isn't as young as he used to be, he is going to have to visit a doctor after shit you just pulled up!! But, really, he is scared shitless. He is the type of guy to imagine what he would do if a bear randomly slammed its way into the room Konig was currently in, and exactly how many bears he could take before being overwhelmed...and you were wondering if he liked your outfit or not. So, when an actual bear just shows up on his porch, he is ready to take his gun out and strike. Austria has really strict gun laws, so he can only have a pistol at hand - not good against a brown bear, but he is pretty sure he could wrestle the beast if it means saving you. That is, until he noticed just how...chill you are around it. He is surprised, obviously, but then he remembers the news about some circus animals escaping from a traveling show, so he at least understands that the bear isn't, you know, actually wild. Still, Konig starts to get more and more scared of you - how are you not even the slightest bit frightened?? You could be dead by now!! He has to teach you how to shoot, it's only obvious now.....
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So there’s a trend that I absolutely hate in online discussions of (non-satirical) genre, particularly genre that’s influenced by the gothic. This trend makes my eyes roll back in my head until I can see through my own skull. It makes me want to bite a car in half. It makes me want to step into the jellyfish tank at the New York Aquarium and beg for the sweet sweet annihilation of a thousand stings.
I call this trend: Oh Just Be Sensible, and it goes like this:
“Why do vampires always end up covered in blood when they feed, I don’t spill soup all down the front of my shirt when I eat dinner. Real toddler energy.”
“Why do people always cut their hands to swear oaths, everyone knows it would hurt way less on the [insert body part with fewer nerve endings]”
“Vampires shouldn’t be feeding from people’s wrists, it damages the tendons, if doctors don’t take your blood from your wrist, vampires shouldn’t either! No one will be able to flex their fingers the next day.”
(This comes up a lot with vampires, I mention, as I stride purposefully into the glistening mass of jellyfish.)
There are direct answers for some of these when it comes to the practical visual language of a particular medium (for example, you cut your hand on stage / on set because you can hold a blood pack in there, and even if you don’t have an effect, the gesture and its purpose can be discerned from the nosebleeds) but what really gets me is how thematically boneheaded this sort of observation is.
Like, let’s go down the list here.
Why do vampires end up covered in their victims’ blood? Well Scoob, do you think it could maybe have something to do with their bestial, inhuman nature? Or with the erotic and sensual abandon with which they can approach violence, now that they’re untethered from human morals?
Why do people cut their hands to swear oaths? Aside from what I mentioned above, do you think maybe it’s because it adds a layer of gravity to see two people swearing an oath to one another with blood dripping from their clasped hands? Do you think it’s maybe to evoke a unity of body, something greater and more primal than a unity of word? Or maybe to remind us of the dire consequences of breaking a blood oath?
Why are authors having vampires feed from people’s wrists if it damages their tendons? Damn, maybe that’s because it’s where the pulse is. You know, the pulse? The heartblood, the thing that races when you’re scared or turned on or both? The thing that stutters when you’re close to death and could, should the author choose, ring in the vampire’s ears like a chime or a great pounding thunderclap. Maybe in a story about undead beings who drink blood, we can sacrifice a bit of sensible reality in order to enforce the emotion and thematic heft of a scene?
Images like these communicate what is happening between two characters, not just the events that are transpiring! No one making stories forgot to consider ~sensible~ little observations, because it would be absolutely inane to consider an observation with the creative value of a wet paper towel. This stuff is part of our visual language for a reason! Themes also need to be communicated!
God, like, okay, I’m exhausted and the aquarium staff keeps yelling at me when they find me here, but let me just wrap up by saying that relationships, character and meaning are expressed in so many ways beyond dialogue or internal monologue, and those expressions are so rarely sensible.
(Also all this shit looks cool as hell, do you really want your protagonists swearing to die for one another by dabbing their slightly bleeding elbows together, grow up.)
#me: don't make me tap the sign#sign: fun allowed#(thematic clarity and character relationships should trump sensible realism every time)#(realism is fine! but monocle popping smirky little 'hmm I think dan brown was an idiot' smugness is just....bad!)#(it's bad and it makes for bad writing!)#my thoughts about books
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all alone-s.reid
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summary: spencer doesn't want to get hurt, too bad it hurts you in the process
pairing: spencer reid x fem reader
warnings: spencer's a dick in this, reader puts him in his place :)
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You were the new office genius. You’d just joined straight out of the academy, but with your genius, and your experience, you’d been brought straight to the BAU.
What experience, you may ask?
Your psychiatry and psychology degrees, oh, and the eidetic memory, IQ of 190, and Hyperthymesia you had.
And the experience you’d had with a certain serial killer. Your father, Jason O’Neill, had been caught a few months ago, and after that you’d been given a full-time position. You got on well with the team, though one clearly didn’t like you. Dr. Spencer Reid. Apparently he was your equal in intelligence, though you never knew, he refused to speak to you. You probably had a more bubbly personality than the BAU regularly hired, but that had been disproven upon meeting Penelope, the Technical Analyst.
He just didn’t like you. Oh well. It wasn’t going to ruin your life. You didn’t really give a shit.
He gave a shit. He cared far too much.
“Spencer, I’ve got your coffee, extra sugar,” you smiled as you handed out the drinks you’d brought the team from the cafe down the road from the small police station. You handed it to him, not waiting for an answer, he never gave one.
Emily kicked him under the table. “What’s with you two?”
Spencer rolled his eyes and went back to his book. “Nothing.”
“She’s the nicest person on this team Spencer, yet you treat her like she’s just there for decoration.”
“She’s only good for two things, getting coffee, and keeping quiet,” he snapped, not realising you were behind him. You frowned, then hit him over the head with your bag as you were walking past, not sparing him a glance.
Honestly, Spencer was practically in love with you since the second he’d met you. You were perfect, gorgeous smile, always something kind to say, always an interesting fact on your beautiful lips. He thought he could listen to you talk forever. Your voice made his day. Your eyes on his made him feel things he never thought he’d be lucky enough to feel.
But he’d never let his guard down again. Not after Maeve. Never again.
He’d rather be alone, though everyday you became more tempting.
Everyday he wished he could be with you.
Everyday, just like today.
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“Doctor,” Your voice rang through the precinct. “Aaron wants you.”
In recent weeks you’d adopted calling him ‘Doctor’, rather than Spencer. His name from your lips often went straight to his heart, he was a romantic, after all. Now ‘Doctor’ sounded clinical and impersonal. It was maddening.
He didn’t answer, he just stared at his book, making his stand.
“Doctor Reid, Aaron wants you,” You stated, standing beside him. “Reid-”
“Say my name,” he deadpanned, staring at his book, but not reading the words.
“I just did,” you scoffed. “We aren’t school children, go to Aaron.’
You called everyone else by their first name, why not him? He knew the answer of course, but it still didn’t take away from his curiosity. Why had it affected you so much?
“Can you stop being a huge asshole for one day and just treat me like I’m a person and not just something here for you to fuck with? I deserve a spot on this team just like you do,” you boomed, smacking his book out of his hands.
“I don’t think you do,” he said, standing up to his full height.
“Well I guess it’s your lucky day because I’m leaving in a week,” you snarled back, then walked off to go back to the rest of the team.
What? You were leaving?
Spencer caught up to you in 4 quick steps and he pulled you to the side of the corridor, shading you both from prying eyes in a broom closet. “You’re leaving?”
His eyes were frantic and�� scared? You’d never seen him look at you with anything other than indifference, so this was quite the change.
“Yes.”
“Why?” He pleaded.
“Why? You are seriously asking why I’m leaving?” you sarcastically sighed. “Gosh, I guess it was that the coffee’s shit, or maybe it was the fact that I work in a hostile working environment!”
“That’s corporate bullshit-”
“No. It’s your bullshit. I have been nothing but kind to you in my few months here and every day it’s the same blank stare and shitty comments. Go fuck yourself Doctor Reid.”
You tried to pry out of the grip he had on your shoulders, but you couldn’t. He stood there, shocked and shameful at his actions.
“I-I’m sorry,” he sighed, letting go of you to run his hands through his hair. “I’m such an idiot.”
“Yeah, you are. Now if you’ll excuse me-”
“I’m in love with you,” he admitted.
“Pardon?” You squeaked, jaw-dropped.
“I’m in love with you… a-and I didn’t think it was a good idea because the last time I was involved with someone like that-”
“Spencer, I don’t care. I’m leaving the BAU. For good.”
Spencer’s stomach sank. He was too late. You waited for a minute as he just stared at you. He was trying to process it, realise his mistakes,and find a way to make you stay in a 15 second window.
“Bye Spencer,” you sighed and left him in that broom closet.
All alone.
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criminal minds masterlist :)
navigation for my blog :) (criminal minds, marvel, top gun, challengers, the bear, the hunger games, obx+)
#criminal minds#criminal minds imagine#criminal minds fandom#criminal minds x reader#criminal minds fic#bau team#spencer reid#doctor spencer reid#spencer reid x fem!reader#spencer reid x reader#dr spencer reid#criminal minds fanfic#spencer reid criminal minds
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Simon’s heart was hammering in his chest, and he felt like he couldn’t breathe. Was this real? Was he dreaming?
He’d just gotten home, just a bit before he knew you’d be home yourself- when he found something on the table that had his entire world shift on its axis.
In his trembling hands, he held a picture of an ultrasound. He honestly didn’t think much of it at first, until he saw your name printed in bold white letters at the bottom of the photo. The photo which was just taken this morning.
Simon truly didn’t know what to think. So many emotions were swirling around in his head. Confusion, excitement, anxiousness.. he couldn’t firmly grasp any of them. Did he deserve to be a dad? Would he even be a good one?
He’d had such a shit childhood, his own father causing so much of Simon’s turmoil, that he truly never believed he could have a family of his own. Was this something that you truly wanted with him?
“Simon, baby I’m home.” You called, making your way into the house. Your voice brought Simon out of his thoughts, but his eyes remained glued to the photo in his hand.
“Y/N?” Simon asked, his voice came out barely above a whisper. He held the picture out to you, his hands still shaking as his eyes looked up at you.
Your stomach churned when your eyes landed on the ultrasound picture in Simon’s hands. You had planned to tell him, you truly did. You were trying to think of the best way to broach the subject, as having a child was not something that the two of you had ever discussed. “Simon, I can explain.”
“How long have you known?” Simon’s eyes bore into yours as he spoke, and you could see tears beginning to form in them.
“I just found out the other day. It was a routine visit at the doctors, I honestly had no idea. I was planning on telling you Si, I really was. I just… I didn’t know how.” Your bottom lip trembled as you forced the words out, your eyes drifting to your hands, not able to look your boyfriend in the eye. “Please don’t hate me.”
“Hate you?” Simon asked incredulously. He set the picture down gently on the table, before making his way to you. His hands cupped your cheeks, forcing you to look up at him once more. “I could never, ever hate you. Not ever, do you understand me?”
You nodded, as tears began to pour from your eyes. “I’m scared, Simon. This isn’t something we’ve ever talked about. I didn’t know how you’d feel and I… I didn’t want to be a burden.”
“You’re not a burden, and will never be a burden. I chose this life with you, and all that comes with it.” He said, his fingers wiping away the tears that fell down your cheeks. “We are in this together, kid. You and me. That was the deal the second I put that ring on your finger.”
“You want this? You want a kid with me?” You asked, your heart stilling slightly as you waited for his response.
Simon engulfed you in a tight hug, his chest heaving with silent sobs. “You have no fucking idea how much I want this. I never thought I’d ever have a family, but I am so goddamned grateful that you’ve given me one.”
He held you like that for some time, before getting down on both knees in front of you, his face at the same height as your belly.
“I promise you.” He started, his eyes leaving yours to look at your growing tummy. “Both of you. That I will try to be the father I never had. I want to give you the family, the life that you so deserve.”
Your heart melted at his words, hot tears streaming down your face as you cradled his cheek in your hand. “Simon, you already have. You’re going to be the best damn father there is.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
That night, Simon laid in bed with his head laying softly on your belly. Your quiet deep breaths soothed his racing thoughts, drawing a smile to Simon’s lips.
His mind filled with thoughts of your future- your belly growing with HIS child, the little one learning their first word, chasing them around the house once they learned to walk, all the family trips he’d take you guys on- the ones he never got to go on as a kid….
He knew you’d make the best damned parent, and he swore to the stars above he’d be the dad he’d always wanted as a kid. He’d be a good man, a family man. He’d finally have the family he never knew he wanted.
Yeah…Simon Riley couldn’t fucking wait to be a father.
#simon riley imagine#simon ghost riley x reader#simon riley x reader#cod imagine#mw2 imagine#ghost x reader#ghost mw2
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