#I’m just experiencing symptoms rn

[prettygirlgerard]

You are so real and I am in love with you <3

HELLO?!?!?!????

[petrichormore]

God q!BBH is fascinating. His paranoia especially. q!Bad has called himself paranoid in character btw. multiple times. but the one example that immediately comes to mind is when he was talking to q!Aypierre. When people call him paranoid he doesn’t really say “Nuh uh” (at least not seriously - he’s become a little more self-aware) he says “okay maybe I am, maybe I’m not. but don’t you understand why?”

for q!BBH the price of potentially overreacting and hurting his friends’ feelings with his lack of trust is significantly outweighed by the price of an egg fucking dying because he decided to relax. He has been the deciding factor in a life-or-death situation for an egg multiple times. And his overreactions have saved lives. Obviously his developing belief that he’s like the Lone Responsible Caretaker of the Eggs is like blatantly incorrect but it didn’t come into existence in a void. It isn’t just one of his inventions it’s a consequence of other parents putting (whether purposely or accidentally) a lot of pressure on him that he tried and failed to escape from.

So he doesn’t care if he’s paranoid, he doesn’t care if his distrust hurts people, he doesn’t care about what’s reasonable or not - he cares about the eggs being alive. And if being unreasonable has kept the eggs alive in the past then damn you better believe he’s only going to get more unreasonable. And he’s not going to be sorry about it either, not while he feels responsible for every single child on the island.

[rileyslibrary]

Idk if you’re taking commissions rn but if you are.. Can you do one where reader acts as Ghosts weighted blanket after an anxiety attack? I feel like he’d love that xx

I’m glad you asked for the reader to act as Ghost’s weighted blanket instead of the other way around because that would be like being flattened by a road roller. Also, it is good to note that anxiety attacks are not the same as panic attacks. Yes, they do have some similarities, but they differ. This story is about Ghost having an anxiety attack, so bear that in mind.

And let’s be clear here: he would never explicitly ask you to do such a thing.

Never.

In fact, he would never ask you to do anything that would need you to be physically attached to him, neither from the front nor back. And his anxiety, if he ever suffers from it—which I’m sure he does because, come on, who doesn’t in our times, plus it is mentioned in the comics—he can cover it pretty well.

But it takes one to know one, right? You’ve had your fair share of anxiety attacks; you know they are not sudden or obvious. Instead, they develop slowly, gradually. That sense of general unease lingers, haunting him for weeks, even months. He doesn’t start trembling or shaking out of nowhere. This one is subtle but constant, like a leaky faucet that drips every few seconds. He feels restless and triggered by something vague that he can’t understand himself. All. The. Time.

He knows what a panic attack is; he experienced it multiple times before, mainly due to the nature of his work. But an anxiety attack? To a soldier who associated the word “attack” with something swift, sudden and imminent? There’s no such thing as an anxiety attack to him.

No.

He doesn’t comprehend this constant need to stay in control, why he’s always tense, his inability to take a full, deep breath. To him, that’s just how his body functions. Relaxation has been a foreign concept since childhood, so he’s normalised it. And he learned how to bear these symptoms instead of understanding what triggers them and learning how to alleviate them.

You’ve observed the pattern; he tends to become like that a few months before a mission, so you were able to put one and one together.

And one day, you find him lying face-down on the bed. Something prompts you, and you crawl on top of him. He shifts and asks you, “What the fuck do you think you’re doing”. Maybe he even tries to stand up while you are on his back, and you ask him to trust you; he’ll see.

He’s hesitant but obeys, though he’s more alert than ever now. You settle on top of him; he feels like he’s carved from wood, but not because of his physique. He’s tense. Stiff. Rigid. He’s afraid to let go. He holds his breath. His palms are pressed into the mattress beside his chest, ready to spring into a burpee and launch you back to where you came from.

Yet he doesn’t do it. Slowly his muscles relax under your body, and you feel him gradually—though clumsily—release tension in each body part; his legs, back, and then his shoulders. He finally lets go of the breath he’s been holding, replaced by a long exhale, his first in months. He places his hands on the sides of his body and lets out a repressed chuckle.

You ask him why he’s laughing, and he asks you to turn your face away because you are breathing into his ear. You comply.

With you not watching, he can finally close his eyes now. Good.

But even Ghost can take so much weight. Or so much intimacy. After a while, he snaps out of it, and he wriggles out from under you, letting you fall on the mattress, muttering a brief “Enough.” He doesn’t thank you for anything. What did you really do? Yes, he feels a little lighter, and his mind is clearer, but all you did was rest on him. That’s all. No need to thank you for that.

He needs it, though. Again and again. No, he doesn’t need you, of course. No, silly. He craves that sensation again—letting go. So whenever he feels overwhelmed, he awkwardly gestures toward his back and asks you sternly to “do that thing”. And you try to suppress your laughter and obey his command.

And slowly, just like his anxiety attacks come and go, he realises that it’s not just your weight on top of him that soothes him. It’s you, your will to make him feel better, your heart beating against his back, your form attached to him that makes all this chaos in the world feel a little bit more manageable than before.

[emmitaaa4]

I want to preface this little rant by saying that I am all for ship and let ship—at the end of the day none of this has any significance, and we should all get to enjoy our silly little ships to our heart’s content. Me personally I just want Elain to do whatever the hell she wants and be happy in the end. That being said, rn I just felt like getting something off my chest.

From what I have seen and understood, most of The Other Side believes that Azriel feels entitled to Elain. That he sees her as a sexual object, or at the very most as a rebound he doesn’t truly care for, nor respect; he does not think of her beyond what he can get from her sexually. They say his attitude towards her is toxic in its ‘possessiveness’; he doesn’t consider her an equal, for he sees her as a perpetual damsel in distress he must save; his attraction to her / feelings for her are a symptom of some twisted trauma response.

We know that they believe that. We’ve heard it. Over and over and over. Since 2021. Hell, everybody’s momma probably knows it, too, with the way that rhetoric is spread. But Elriels have made it plenty clear that we have a very different interpretation of the text and do NOT agree with those assessments of Azriel (nor half the things the poor man is diagnosed with, bless his fictional soul), considering what we do know of Azriel’s character and his relationship with Elain, based on the books--and yes, the bonus (see this, this, and this post). Otherwise—i.e. if we believed him an incel x fuckboy hybrid (probs the first of his kind!) who is only interested in getting her in is bed—we would obviously not be shipping them together: most of us (99% I’d say lol) care about Elain more than we do Az, or care about them both just as much.

So it is getting pretty tiring to see us shippers—the actual humans behind the screen—labelled as having a toxic/immature view of what love is, of being “too young/naive” to see the supposed red flags, of mistaking lust for love because we have not experienced a healthy relationship (?), of actually promoting toxic relationships & advocating for toxic masculinity (which someone told me on tiktok just now)(stay away from tiktok, folks). Those generalizations are wild to me, not only because they are wildly untrue and condescending, but because Elriels are a colorful bunch, you know—when you’re speaking of the fandom Villain™, you’re speaking of people of every demographic, speaking of daughters mothers grandmothers, depressed uni students (pardon the self-insert), etc... I need to get thicker skin, but those statements can get pretty hurtful in the long run. And I’m tired of feeling the need to justify myself as if we’re wrong for shipping two people who MUTUALLY want one another and lets be serious, no its not “just lust”.

I know I know, I am probably being dramatic. But it’s just weird to see a ship being so demonized and its shippers along with it, all because louder portions of the fandom disagree with our opinions and insist on toxifying ours. Just to be clear, I know that many have had unpleasant experiences/interactions with Elriels, just like many Elriels have had the same with Gwynriels and/or Eluciens. I condone none of the disgusting behaviour I’ve seen from some shippers, and in fact I abhor it. As everyone should.

To end this on a good note.

Elriels, I say we run with it. Az wants Elain for himself. He is jealous and his mind is plagued by thoughts of her. Her presence is too much to bear, for he can’t stand to be in the same room as her and pretend like he feels nothing. He is ready to beg on his knees for a chance to worship her, and it took Nesta one look to see it.

AZ IS OBSESSED AND I SAY WE EMBRACE IT.

[phoenixisobsessed]

Hello! This is my first time every requesting art, but whenever able would you be able to draw Kindle and Fervor from MTMTE? I appreciate the time you took to read this, and have a great day!

Hi chat. Genuinely thought I wouldn’t finish this one today ngl. II worked with what I had which is like a singular panel of these guys that don’t even show their full bodies LFMAODYHSA

Also since some of my exams are upcoming my posts may slow a lil. Just a lil though.

Imma be doing some less silly haha yapping today so it’s under cut.

Myy health has been a bit wonky recently tbh. Don’t worry, I’m not dying xD. Just started a medication (prescribed from my doctor) for a problem that I didn’t actually have, then stopped it because it made me feel like shit, and am now experiencing symptoms for the thing I didn’t actually have. Only getting worse rn. But I am praying it’ll calm down again so I can actually sleep and function like a normal person without having to go on some other medication for the rest of my life because I fucked up by taking one I didn’t need.

[thespacehound]

Hyperfixating 👍

ough I just started playing pentiment this fucks,,,,

[woman-of-balnain]

Corruption Part 1/3 (Alpha Rick x Omega Reader)

Masterlist | AO3 Ver. | Next Part (Coming Soon)

Pairing: Rick Grimes/Fem!Reader

Request: Alpha Rick x Omega Reader….reader was sheltered and doesn’t really understand heats/ruts/presentations as their parents were religious extremists who refused to discuss anything so “unseemly”…let’s say they’re a late bloomer so they could be early 20s at the youngest, so age-gap…anyway, reader has to learn not only how to survive the zombie apocalypse but about presentations too. And there’s something about Rick’s scent that is just making them crazy and one day their heat comes and Rick has to guide them through…what do ya think?

A/N for Anon: Okay, so this may be far less plot than you were hoping for! I tried to write it but I worried about how innocent I was making the reader. Please let me know if you want a sort of prologue to this chapter (another anon ask is fine!) and exactly how innocent and clueless she can be and I will gladly write it!

Also, I'm not sure if I should have Rick cumming inside later and if he should claim her or not. Please let me know if you have a preference and I will accommodate it. And I'm so sorry this ended up becoming 3 parts instead of 1 but the idea just kept expanding. You really gave me the plot bunnies with this request and I love you for it haha

A/N:

I tried to keep Reader’s religious background ambiguous so you can picture it as anything, but I didn’t grow up religious so I’m sorry if I blatantly messed that up without realizing 😅

This is set in the prison era but it's kinda ambiguous as to when. I just figured that was still early enough after the outbreak for Reader to only just run out of suppressants if she had a bit of a stash of them, plus it gives them more opportunities for privacy compared to the quarry, the farm or being on the road.

I've messed with the prison a bit though. Since warden's usually had their own house on site in older prisons, I've got it so the warden in this one had their own quarters, which the group has agreed to keep reserved for heat/ruts cycles.

I'm also obsessed with Rick's lips rn and sorry, but the gifs are gonna reflect that lmao

Some notes on the a/b/o elements in this one:

Alphas and Omegas are fairly rare. Most people are just betas, making Reader's lack of knowledge about presentations etc more believable

She was put on suppressants as soon as she presented and has never experienced a real heat (just minor symptoms after first presenting)

Suppressants completely suppress your heat and are also considered to be sort of a taboo and unethical in this story due to how they mess with an omega's hormones etc.

Warnings: A/B/O dynamics (including non-traditional), dominant Rick, sheltered Reader, virgin Reader, female Reader, Rick is experienced and the Reader definitely isn't, considerable age gap (Rick is 38, Reader is 21), masturbation, Reader masturbating while Rick watches, oral sex (female receiving), heat/rut cycles, no knots, Rick with an innocence kink.

Don't like, don't read.

Word Count: 5,472

Dividers by: @newlips + @cafekitsune

Rick turned over for what felt like the hundredth time in the small, single bed of his cell. He couldn’t sleep; his whole body felt restless as traces of your scent continuously tempted him. He knew your heat was coming now and it only tortured him even more than your presence usually did.

Omegas were already so rare – more so than alphas – and to meet one after the fall of civilization felt like even more of an anomaly. But then there was also the fact that you were so damn innocent.

Your presentations meant that he’d been drawn to you from the moment he first picked up on your scent, but as he got to know you, it quickly developed into attraction. It was bad enough that you were so much younger than him – 21, compared to his 38… – but you were also just so sweet and pure, that he felt dirty just thinking about you in any kind of lustful way, yet he also couldn’t help it.

The way you looked at him with so much trust, and how tantalizingly your scent wrapped around him… all Rick wanted to do was see your eyes filled with lust that was directed at him, or to pick up on the traces of desire in your scent as he thrust into you over and over and elicited endless moans from your tempting lips. Your innocence drove him crazy, but Rick told himself that you didn’t see him that way and he tried to stamp down his inappropriate thoughts.

His conversation with you a few days ago only solidified the fact that Rick shouldn’t be thinking about you in any way that wasn’t platonic. You had come to him with an empty pill bottle, saying you’d run out about a week previously and could the group look for more.

Rick had already known about your sheltered, strict and fanatically religious upbringing, but realizing that your parents had put you on suppressants and left you mostly in the dark about your presentation made him rightfully angry. This would be your first actual heat and Rick wasn’t sure how you would handle it, especially after being on suppressants for 5 years, considering the way they messed with an omega’s hormones.

He was brought out of his thoughts as he heard a pained whimper escape you from the cell you slept in, the one directly across from his. It made him realize that your heat must already be starting. Rick debated with himself for a moment, unsure if he should give into his instincts or not.

Because he knew that he didn’t just want to comfort you, he wanted to completely take away all of the pain and discomfort he knew you were feeling and give your body the kind of sexual gratification it was so clearly craving after your natural biological instincts and hormones had been suppressed for so many years.

When he heard another pained but muffled cry escape your lips, Rick knew he couldn’t resist any longer. So, he climbed out of bed and headed for your cell, determined to at least help you in some way.

You squeezed your legs together as tightly as you possibly could, but it didn’t help. You were hot all over, sweat covering your body and your clothes scratching irritably at your skin. It didn’t help that Rick’s scent seemed to wrap itself all around you. You thought you’d found it irresistible before, but now that seemed like nothing because you were barely holding yourself back from going into his cell.

What you would do if you actually found yourself there, you didn’t know. All you knew was the undeniable need you felt to be near him. Your mind seemed to be losing a battle against your body and it left you a little fearful.

You remembered your mother calling you an ‘omega’ shortly after your sixteenth birthday. You could recall the way you felt hot and irritated, but your parents had put you on those pills that made it all seem to wash away and never come back – until now, at least. You also remembered the countless times your parents told you to stay away from alphas.

You’d somehow just instinctively known that Rick was an alpha the moment you’d met him. And while your parents’ words rang through your head, they were gone by the time you met him and now so were the pills. All that was left was this never-ending feeling of heat and the desire to be near him that you felt (but didn’t quite understand).

You’d always had a sensitive sense of smell, but Rick’s scent was irresistible. It filled you with such a mix of emotions, like comfort, protection and happiness. But you also found it sinfully alluring, and it left you feeling slightly ashamed whenever you caught traces of it and you became filled with scandalous desires.

As your thoughts on him lingered, your body seemed to respond and the desperate, aching heat between your legs increased. You curled your hand into a fist, raising it to your mouth and bit down onto your fingers in an attempt to stifle the sound of pure, unrestrained need that left your lips.

“Rick…” you found yourself moaning out, half in shame and half in desperation.

Then you caught his scent getting stronger and you recognized that he was coming closer to you. The realization caused you to feel conflicted between a sense of relief and mortification. Your mother’s words seemed to repeat like a mantra in your head, telling you that the kinds of feelings you held for Rick (especially in that moment) were sinful and wrong.

But when he reached the doorway of your cell and his scent wrapped around you completely, all that you could think was how it felt right for him to be there. You tilted your head to look up at him and the heat inside you only swelled more intensely when you realized that he wasn’t wearing anything except his boxers and a plain, white t-shirt.

“Rick,” you whined out again, a little louder this time and completely yearning for him.

“Hey, it’s okay ‘mega,” he said gently, coming to the side of your bed and bending down to look at you properly. “It’s not that bad yet.”

Not that bad? You thought to yourself incredulously. I feel like I’m burning alive from the inside.

“I…” you whimpered, completely unaccustomed to all the different things you were feeling. “I can’t…”

Rick looked away from you briefly, seeming caught up in his thoughts, like he was internally debating something. But then his gaze met yours again and he looked like he’d made a decision.

“C’mere, ‘mega,” he murmured, reaching out to you.

His touch only seemed to make the fire within you blaze even hotter, as his hand fell to your shoulder. Rick either didn’t notice or didn’t mind, wrapping his arm around you until he was able to help you up. He carefully led you out of your cell and towards the locked door that marked the exit of the cell block.

“Where are we going?” You asked.

“The warden’s rooms,” Rick replied. “It’s not far.”

You remained silent then, feeling only a little scared as you exited the safety of the cell block. But as he promised, you arrived there quickly enough. You only gave yourself a brief moment to look around, realizing that the warden of the prison must have lived there, since there was a bed.

“We’re keeping this room for when you’re in heat and I’m in my rut.”

You wondered what on earth a rut was. You’d only just begun to understand the fact that your body would be going into heat now that you were no longer taking the pills.

“You can stay here,” Rick continued. “Until it’s over. You’ll be safe in here, I promise.”

“Wait!” You exclaimed hurriedly. “You’re… you’re not going to leave me in here, are you?”

Rick looked at you with a strange expression, one you couldn’t quite decipher.

“Y/N…” his tongue darted out to briefly lick his bottom lip and it just made you feel even more heated. “I can’t stay here.”

“Why not?”

You didn’t realize how much you were tempting him with that question. In your mind, you just didn’t want to be left alone and you definitely didn’t want to be without the comfort his scent was giving you.

“You want me to?” Rick asked with a hint of trepidation.

“Please,” you practically begged him.

Unbeknownst to you, Rick was extremely conflicted. There you were, pleading with him to stay, but he was aware that you probably didn’t really know what you were asking. He knew that he should just walk away, but a deeper and darker part of his mind suggested that he could stay and help you through it.

He didn’t have to touch you… he could just guide you and make sure you weren’t alone. He ignored the more reasonable side of him which pointed out the fact that he would eventually lose his self-control. Hell, that was already slipping away as he made his decision.

“Okay…” Rick agreed. “But stay here for a few minutes. I’ll get some food, water… so you have everything you need.”

You just nodded, not minding just so long as he did come back. Rick gave you one last lingering look before leaving and once he did, you sat down on the edge of the bed to wait for him. But with each second that he was gone, your body seemed to get worse. That insatiable feeling between your legs seemed to be aching for Rick and the way his scent lingered in the room but wasn’t strong enough only made it more unbearable.

A thick fog seemed to cloud your mind and your inhibitions started to fade. Your hand seemed to move of its own accord, falling to the top of your right thigh and then sliding down between your legs. You’d touched yourself before, trying to forget your shame in the dark of night, stifling the quiet sounds that left your mouth in your old bedroom and finding a small sense of devious relief.

Maybe you could do it again now. Maybe it would satiate your wicked body until he got back, and you felt his scent wrap around you again… At the thought of Rick, your resolve wavered, and your hand disappeared under the waistband of your sleep shorts. They barely covered anything, and you’d felt slightly embarrassed to wear them at first, but now you were glad that they didn’t restrict you too much.

You let yourself lay back with a quiet moan as your fingers came into contact with your folds and all thoughts of it being wrong fled your mind as your body sang with happiness and relief. You let yourself think of Rick, imagining him while you touched yourself and felt wetness beginning to pool beneath your fingers.

You wondered how it would feel to have him touch you like this. Those long fingers giving you sinful pleasure while his deep voice with that southern lilt murmured dirty things into your ear. It made you squirm because everything you’d ever been taught told you how wrong it was to imagine him like that, while your body seemed to whisper seductively to you, pointing out that it felt so unbelievably good, so what did it matter?

You were so caught up in the pleasure you were giving yourself and the thoughts your mind conjured up of Rick, that you didn’t even notice the door opening back up. When his scent filled the room once again, you just became even more lost in the depths of your unholy desires, never once stopping to think that it meant he was back, and you needed to stop.

“Fuck…”

Your eyes snapped open, and you froze in horror. Rick was standing in the doorway, eyes wide and mouth slightly agape. You became absolutely mortified, realizing how uncomfortable he must have been, seeing you like that. The fog seemed to clear as rationality entered your mind again. You pulled your hand out from your shorts at a rapid speed and blushed deeply.

“I’m so sorry,” you covered your face with your hands in complete and utter embarrassment.

Rick didn’t say anything, but you heard the door shut and the sound of footsteps approaching you. Then he was gently pulling your hands away so that you would look at him.

“You don’t have to be sorry, ‘mega,” he assured you. “It’s normal.”

You just stared at him, not really believing his words.

“It’s your heat,” Rick continued. “You don’t have to feel ashamed by it.”

He seemed to read you easily, and knowing about your sheltered upbringing likely helped him to ascertain the conflict of emotions within you. His close proximity didn’t help, as the intensity of his scent seemed to just make your symptoms unbearable again.

“I can’t stand it…” you admitted, squirming slightly. “I feel like I’m on fire.”

Rick just nodded, understanding. Then one of his hands fell to your left thigh, resting on the space just above your knee. You watched as he swallowed thickly, the action causing the protruding bump of his Adam’s apple to bob slightly. His pupils dilated as his thumb rubbed lightly against your skin and when he spoke you thought you might actually become consumed by that internal fiery feeling.

“You wanna touch yourself?” He asked lowly, voice husky and thick with lust.

He was so blatant about it – something you couldn’t bear to be. You just nodded ever so slightly, stuck between feeling embarrassed and just wanting to know what you should do.

“It’s okay, sweetheart,” Rick told you. “If that’s what you need, then you shouldn’t hold back.”

“I don’t want you to leave though…”

Your desire to have him close outweighed your need for release in that moment. As if in reaction to your words, Rick’s hand squeezed down slightly on your thigh and his tongue darted out once again to lick his bottom lip.

“I don’t have to…” he suggested ever so softly. “I can stay.”

The idea made your heart skip a beat and once again you were torn between what you’d always been taught to believe, and what your body was telling you, which was to just follow your instincts. Rick seemed to sense your hesitation and when he brought his other hand down to settle on your right thigh as well, you let out an involuntary sound which betrayed your carnal need for him.

A small smile curved up at the corners of his lips, and now with one hand on each of your thighs, he stroked his fingers lightly up and down them.

“Do you want me to?” Rick asked.

“Yes…” you replied quietly, with only the slightest hint of hesitation left.

“Tell me what you need, ‘mega,” he coaxed you. “You want these off?”

His fingers tugged lightly at the bottom of your shorts, and you just nodded, unable to tear your gaze away from his, as his eyes darkened even further. Rick brought his fingers up to the waistband of your shorts then and pulled down on them until they began sliding down your legs.

A mix of excitement and anxiety swirled through you because, oh… you shouldn’t be doing this, but you couldn’t find it within you to want to stop. When those immodestly tiny shorts had been gotten rid of, Rick’s gaze fell to the place between your thighs, now only covered by your cotton panties.

“Those too?” He asked, forcing his gaze back up to yours.

You hesitated, unsure if you were ready to completely expose yourself to him yet. But the fluids that had gathered between your folds as you’d touched yourself had only built up even more and it was slightly uncomfortable. So, you nodded again, and Rick was quick to hook his fingers under the elastic and pull them down too. Your panties had barely reached your thighs when he paused, drinking in the sight of your now unprotected pussy.

“Fuck, ‘mega,” Rick groaned. “You’re beautiful.”

Your cheeks heated, as the compliment was directed at such a sinful part of your body. But to hear him praise any part of you made you almost dizzy with happiness. He tugged them down the rest of the way, leaving your lower body completely exposed to him. Then, Rick spread your legs further and licked his bottom lip again. You wondered if he knew how much your heated skin grew worse every time he did it and if he was purposefully trying to torment you.

“You’re so wet…” Rick breathed out and you felt his fingers twitch against your thigh. “Go on, ‘mega… touch yourself.”

It was so dirty, the way he said it and you knew you shouldn’t have been letting him witness such a thing. But you were burning up inside again and your body didn’t seem to care about the beliefs that had been imprinted into your mind. Your hand moved without you really thinking about it once again and when you touched your dripping folds, you let out another sound of desire.

“That’s it, baby,” Rick moaned, barely holding himself back.

He was so close to you; it should have made you feel ashamed, but it only left you more desperate to touch yourself. Rick’s grip on your thighs tightened slightly as he tried to keep himself in check. You were driving him to the edge of his sanity, exploring yourself right in front of him. Rick wanted to instruct you to spread your folds a little more, so he could see more of your perfect pussy, but he reminded himself that this wasn’t about him. He knew that you only wanted him there because of your heat, so he reminded himself to just guide you where you needed it, like he’d told himself he would. But the urge to just reach out and replace your fingers with his own, or maybe with his mouth… it was overwhelming him.

You took in how heated Rick’s eyes were as they remained fixated on the way you pleasured yourself. Your eyelids became heavy as you watched him watching you, wondering if he really was as captivated by the sight as he seemed to be. Your fingers rubbed over your clit, making the desire swirl rapidly through you, increasing with every little movement you made to stimulate yourself further.

“That feel good, ‘mega?” Rick asked, bringing his gaze to yours and catching the way you were staring at him.

“Yes…” you admitted with just a little bit of shame.

“You can close your eyes, baby,” he suggested. “Think of whatever gets you over the edge.”

You just shook your head, because the only thing that would send you towards release was right in front of you and the real thing was better than anything you could imagine in your head.

“It’s okay,” Rick tried to assure you, thinking you were just too shy. “Your heat is a natural part of being an omega. You should enjoy it.”

You averted your gaze from his as your cheeks became heated again.

“I… I’m fine just… just looking at you…”

You blushed furiously, not knowing what had come over you to be able to admit that out loud.

“Omega,” Rick practically growled out, his fingers digging into the skin of your thighs.

You worried that you’d possibly upset him with the admission and frantically met his gaze again as your movements halted.

“I’m sorry!” You found yourself saying again. “I… I shouldn’t have said that…”

“You don’t need to be sorry,” he calmed you. “It’s just your heat… it’ll make you want an alpha and I’m the only one around. It’s okay.”

You frowned and didn’t really consider your words before you spoke them.

“It’s not that…” you admitted shyly. 

Rick’s gaze pierced into yours, silently urging you to continue.

“I know it’s inappropriate but…” you tried to finish what you’d been about to say but found yourself faltering again.

“Have you already touched yourself while thinkin’ about me?”

You avoided his gaze again, looking off to the side self-consciously. Would he condemn you if he knew the truth? But then you felt his fingers begin to caress your inner thighs, slowly moving upwards and you realized that in the fog of that heated feeling you were still experiencing, he was still kneeling down between them.

What use was it to feel embarrassed over words of admission when you were completely exposed in front of him? You went to try and squeeze your legs shut as humiliation washed over you, but Rick’s grip was too strong, and he kept you right as you were – and exactly how he wanted you to remain.

“Answer me, omega,” he demanded.

You just nodded yet again, unable to even form the simple word ‘yes’ as you remained the subject of his intense gaze.

“Do you want me to touch you, instead?” Rick prompted, his fingers continuing their torturously slow ascent up your thighs. “Tell me what you want baby, don’t be shy.”

The fact that he seemed to be encouraging your sinful desires rather than judging you for them, only spurred you on.

“Yes…” you admitted softly. “I want you to.”

“Fuck,” he cursed again. “You’re so sweet, ‘mega.”

“Sweet?” You questioned out loud, feeling like the farthest thing from that as your upbringing made you feel dirty for your shameful desires.

“Yeah,” Rick breathed out. “I bet you taste sweet too.”

Oh, that made your pussy squeeze down with anticipation and you didn’t even really comprehend what he meant, but some secret and hidden part of your body seemed to respond and understand that it was something wickedly good. Rick just smiled deviously as your body squirmed a little and his fingers finally made contact with your wet folds. You let out a restrained sound of desire at his touch, but he seemed to disapprove.

“Don’t do that,” Rick gently admonished you. “I wanna hear every little sound you make, omega.”

Before you could nod or say any words of understanding, Rick pressed down onto your clit with his thumb and the only response you could give was a deep and shameless moan.

“That’s it, baby,” he praised. “Don’t hold back.”

He continued to tease you, rubbing circles over the sensitive nub and it was so different to when you had dared to touch yourself in the past. It was more pleasurable, because now you were no longer in control. It only made it even better that the man you desired in every sinful way possible was the one doing it to you. More moans left you, escaping your lips freely now and your pussy squeezed again as Rick’s fingers moved down to gather up some of the generous amount of slick still pooling between your legs.  

“I’ve thought about you too,” he admitted lowly, continuing his perfect ministrations. “You’ve got no idea how much you drive me crazy, ‘mega.”

The revelation both stunned you and left you feeling overcome with happiness. Did he feel the same way you did? In truth, you weren’t entirely sure how you felt, because this was all so new to you. All you knew was that you felt drawn to him and even though it had started with his scent, it didn’t end there.

“Let me taste you baby,” Rick requested.

You still weren’t entirely sure what that meant but you were very eager to find out.

“Okay…” you moaned out as his thumb pressed down on your clit.

“You ever had a man eat you out before?” He asked with a devilish grin, like he already knew the answer.

“No…”

“What about touching you?” Rick continued. “Like this.”

He teased the sensitive nub further with his fingers, emphasizing what he meant.

“No, you’re the first…”

“Fuck baby… I’m the first one to see you like this?”

“Yes,” you admitted softly. “Rick… isn’t this wrong?”

Your inhibitions came back slightly at the reminder that he was the first man to ever see you so exposed and you remembered why that was.

“No, sweetheart,” he assured you. “Get that stuff outta your head. Lie down and let me take care of you.”

You hesitated just briefly before doing as he said and relaxing back onto the bed. You trusted him, enough to even forsake everything you’d ever been taught. And as you felt Rick shift between your legs and move closer until his warm breath met your dripping wet and exposed folds, you allowed yourself to forget it all too and just completely focus on him.

Then you were moaning so loud, you wondered if it was actually more of a scream as his lips enclosed over your clit. Your fingers curled into the sheets beneath you and your hips started to move up on their own. Rick pushed them back down with his hand though and kept a tight grip on you, holding your hips steady.

“Oh…” you breathed out, all rational thought leaving your mind as you focused on just feeling.

You had never felt so good before, and you didn’t care if it was a sin or anything like that. Your only concern was Rick and everything he was doing to you, everything he was making you feel and how right it all seemed. The tip of his tongue flicked over your clit, pushing up the hooded part and teasing the sensitive nub underneath. His lips sucked down around it and his fingers tested your entrance further down, noticing just how tight you were.

Waves of desire were spreading through your body, and it was almost too much, because you’d never experienced anything like it, or anything so intense. The coarse hair of his short beard tickled at your skin and even provided extra stimulation around your clit, where it sat around his lips.

His fingers pushed slightly inside of you, and it was a little shocking, because you’d never dared to explore yourself like that. Your pussy seemed to automatically clamp down around them, and Rick pulled them back out, apparently thinking better of it for now. Instead, he let his lips travel down from your clit and to the tight hole of your entrance, deciding to test you with something softer.

The tip of Rick’s nose rubbed against your clit and then he actually breathed you in, before letting out a deep moan as though he liked the scent of you there. That seemed so incredibly naughty to you, but your body’s only response was to produce more slick in anticipation of what else he would do to you.

“Ahh…” you moaned out uncontrollably as his tongue pushed into your pussy. “Rick…”

He let out his own moan in response, the sound vibrating through your core sensually. And then he was giving languid strokes of his tongue inside you, pushing you further towards the threshold of your desires. It was soft and pleasant, not feeling intrusive as he tested the tightness of your inner walls.

Rick was completely lost in his lust for you, feeling addicted to the way you were coming undone. A good girl, raised with strict religious morals, now a moaning and sticky mess beneath him, completely at the mercy of his touch. It was exactly how he wanted you to stay, receptive to him and eager for more.

Your scent was so lasciviously tempting to him, and especially with his nose being buried near the scent gland at your pussy. It made him crave every part of you and it was hard to hold himself back. He wanted to bury his cock (still trapped within his boxers and achingly hard) deep inside your pussy. But Rick knew he had to be patient and wait until you were ready, not just physically but also mentally.

Maybe it was a form of corruption, as he peeled away the layers of your innocence, but he couldn’t find it in him to care anymore. He wanted you to be his, in every possible way, just like he wanted to not just be the first, but also the only one to ever know you like this.

Your body felt like it was ascending to some high and just out of reach peak, and as Rick’s nose rubbed against your clit and his tongue thrust into your core, you felt yourself edging ever closer. When he pulled his tongue out of you and licked slowly up your slit until he reached your sensitive nub again, you felt the first ripple course through you.

But then his lips were wrapping around your clit, and he sucked down hard, just the tip of his tongue flicking over the little bundle of nerves. You cried out in shameless ecstasy, all inhibitions thrown to the wind as your body both tensed and seemed to also be overcome with euphoric release.

Your legs shook, with Rick’s head still buried between them and his mouth continuing to overwhelm you with stimulation. He licked and sucked as your entire body seemed to spasm. Your eyes squeezed shut and your mind became blank for a moment. The sensations you were feeling were new and powerful and so wickedly pleasurable. It was strange, but even with the intensity of it all, you still found yourself already wanting to chase that feeling again as your body began to settle.

The raging fire within you also seemed to calm down and your mind cleared slightly. Rick’s tongue slowed in its movements against you and then he was pulling back to look at you. His tongue flicked out again to lick his lips clean of the traces of your slick which had been left there. It was so wicked to think of him tasting you like that, but you found that you liked it.

Rick’s lips curved up into a salacious grin and he got up, moving to trap your body beneath his. You met his gaze, looking up at him with a mixture of awe and slight bashfulness. He reached out to let his fingers gently grip your chin and then his thumb was brushing along your lower lip.

“You’ve got no idea, do you ‘mega?” He asked you lowly.

Your brows furrowed in confusion, only confirming his observation.

“That’s what makes you so damned perfect. You have no idea what you do to me, because you’re not even doin’ it on purpose.”

His thumb pressed down harder against your bottom lip, and you let out a quiet moan. He was right; you were still not fully comprehending all the things he was making you feel, let alone how you were making him feel.

“You tell me now, omega,” Rick continued. “Your mind’s clearer after that, I know it is. You tell me if you want me to leave, because if you don’t do it now, I won’t be able to hold back later. When your heat fully hits you, I won’t be able to walk away, so make a decision now.”

The thought of him leaving made you feel panicked. You didn’t want to imagine experiencing this alone and he had already made it so much more bearable than you feared it could have been. When Rick explained your heat to you a few days ago, it left you filled with anxiety and trepidation. Now that he’d touched you, made you unravel until you reached the height of elation… there was no way your own fingers could compare.

You didn’t care that you’d always been taught that this entire thing must be a complete sin. Rick told you it was natural, that it was a part of you, and he knew in ways your parents would never understand. He was like you, even if he was slightly different. It was like he was the other half that could complete you and help you get through the confusing experience that still lay before you.

There was still some trepidation within you, because you were so inexperienced and unknowledgeable in general, let alone compared with Rick. But he had been so patient and had taken care of you so far. The answer to his request seemed obvious to you.

“Please stay,” you asked of him softly.

Rick didn’t try to talk you out of it or remind you that there was no going back. Instead, his eyes darkened with unrestrained desire and he leaned closer to you.

“Okay, ‘mega,” he murmured. “If that’s what you want.”

You just nodded and then he closed the distance, pressing his lips to yours like you had just made a vow to one another and you were now sealing it with a kiss.

_

A/N: I'd really appreciate feedback on this one. Part 2 will involve some more exploration for the Reader with Rick before having her first time with him. Part 3 will involve Rick's rut hitting and be my usual alpha rut scenario, but with a bit of a different feel to it as Rick tries to control himself with the Reader, since she is still very new to so many of the things going on.

_

[chronically-j]

Introduction

Hi, I’m Jordan!

I’m 21, nonbinary, and my pronouns are she/they/he/it

below is my medical story so far!

so, I’d like to start with the fact that i have PTSD with chronic, dissociative features. this means i really don’t remember much from my childhood, so most will either be vague or will have been explained to me by others, so things may be a bit disjointed

All of my life, i’ve been sick in some way, but always mild enough to not need hospitalization (i consider myself very lucky for that, but part of it is also due to my family being poor and unable to get proper medical care sometimes). I’ve always had aches and pains daily and nausea was quite frequent, though not nearly as often as today. i was a very accident prone child, so much of my pain was attributed to that. ive also gotten daily headaches that come in cycles since i was a young child. i would get headaches for a few days at a time as a kid, then it would calm down for a few weeks/months, then begin again. as an adult, i know get them for weeks at a time, then i get breaks of a few days to a few months, then i repeats. i walked to school all through highschool, and every single day without fail id get insane hip/knee/foot pain, it would be hard to breath, my chest would hurt, and id get dizzy. i was diagnosed with asthma and vocal chord dysfunction at 16

in 2020/2021, i got covid. i cant remember if i was vaccinated at this point, but i believe i was. that week of hell started 6-9 months of hell. it was routine covid, no hospital involved thankfully, but afterwards, we found id either developed POTS/pots like symptoms (being assessed now) or the infection had made it worse. i was experiencing extreme dizziness, falls, a heart rate that would spike to 150 just for walking around. my joints also began getting worse faster. they already werent great, id had many times during school where my shoulders or hips would pop and hurt so bad all day, but they were worse. i also began getting nauseous daily, and soon i was throwing up daily. it got to a point where i couldnt eat or drink anything and my dr called an ambulance for me because i was so dehydrated. the drs diagnosed me with cannabinoid hyperemesis syndrome, but i continue to use weed because as of rn the pros outweigh the cons (this is both dr and therapist approved). currently though my family is questioning if that is the cause due to certain things not making sense symptom wise, but thats for my dr to decide

as of today, im on medication for my heartrate, im in the process of getting a diagnosis of some kind, and i have an appointment with an EDS specialist to find out if thats why my bones hate me!

i currently use a cane but am slowly accepting that ill likely need more support at some point, and that ill probably need more medication than im comfortable with (i have a huge fear of medication and have to force myself to take what i do)

im hoping to get answers and more help soon! wish me luck!

[entity56]

ok this is not your responsibility to explain to me & you’re probably tired rn etc. etc. but asking anyway, how can splitting happen without trauma? this isn’t a it can’t happen ask, this is a i genuinely can’t think of anything but i’m sure there’s stuff out there ask

it depends on what you mean but i assume you mean plural wise. Lets get one thing straight: Splitting CANNOT happen without stress or trauma. The threshold of the stress or trauma varies per person, and can mean new trauma, a flashback to a traumatic event, stress from a daily life event, or even experiencing mental health symptoms/physical health symptoms.

The regular formation of a new headmate by other means is not referred to as splitting, just forming. A multitude of different things can trigger a new headmate to form, along with simply... doing so, for no reason. I, myself, don't know exactly why headmates form in plural systems for reasons other than trauma or intentionally doing so (which in my mind I equate to similarly learning a skill: put enough energy into it and eventually the subconscious forms enough 'coding' to make an autonomous entity) so that's a question to ask professionals or other systems.

[youremyheaven]

I MISSED YOU TOO <3333

ive never done any substances (never plan to. i don’t even want to touch cigarettes or alcohol because of past abuse with people who had a bad relationship with such things which was taken out on me instead) BUT one thing about depression that i cant find anyone talking about it how disoriented i am??

im alone these days so i blank at times just sitting on the floor and suddenly its 3 hours later, or i keep sleeping at 4-5am because ive had consecutive nightmares (even during naptimes) and so my sense of time is really really messed up

i still think its the start of september and the worst part is that im not even doing anything, im just blank, but sometimes im sobbing, sometimes im just tired but unable to sleep yk? youre so relatable about the cloudy part too because i still feel like im just in a daze

my last 1h year was actually horrid though. i never thought anyone else experienced it that way but mine was ☺️☺️ not the best. probably the worst year of my life LOLLL

I DID ASSUME YOU WERE A 12HOUSER but i always did just assume that you would have some significant pisces energy somewhere because of general vibes + the life experiences you talked about

the way i’m a 6th houser but im so stuck in spirituality all the time 😭😭 ive been disoriented this entire month but its also bc ive been doing spiritual stuff that kinda results in the detatchment from this 3D body yk? so when i snap back here its just off and weird but its so cool that we are kinda mirroring each other

AND I LOVE LOVE LOVE your analogy about emptiness meaning more space to grow like YES youre so right— i may tjink i have nothing coming up or building up for me rn but that just means more space to create new things i like right?? such a clever and cute way to think about things

- mother anon (an angel that is in the process of sewing on new wings)

"ive never done any substances (never plan to. i don’t even want to touch cigarettes or alcohol because of past abuse with people who had a bad relationship with such things which was taken out on me instead) BUT one thing about depression that i cant find anyone talking about it how disoriented i am??"

GIRLL. first of all, im proud of u for having such a strong stance against substances and i hope it stays that way<3

i was dissociating pretty heavily the last few months and the brain fog took over me completely so i feel u on the disoriented bit. depression manifests differently in different individuals. being angry, taking it out on others, being easily irritable, being unable to enjoy yourself, having no motivation to get anything done etc are all symptoms. ppl always have a black & white image of someone crying all day and while that can be a part of it. depression is a range of behaviours and long term depression often makes it very disorienting to process events and time. you feel disconnected. literally.

"im alone these days so i blank at times just sitting on the floor and suddenly its 3 hours later, or i keep sleeping at 4-5am because ive had consecutive nightmares (even during naptimes) and so my sense of time is really really messed up"

living alone is REALLYYY hard if you're depressed. whatever you just said describes me under the influence of substances. i hope you can spend time with a community bc the key to tackling depression is just getting out of that funk into a new routine that allows you to constructively spend your time and give you a daily sense of purpose.

im sorry u had a bad 1h year :((( i hope it was character defining at least and helped u learn and grow!! we mould ourselves into our highest versions thru our difficulties <3

mother knows best!!! u detected the 12h vibes and u were RIGHT!!

lmaoooo u getting spiritual and detaching from reality and me getting baked out of my mind and detaching from reality is soooo funny!!! at least we both let go!! imagine being attached 🤢🤢🤮🤮🤢EWW lol

im glad u like it!! im empty but i have soooo much room in my heart for all the blessings yet to come!! <33 and SO DO U MAMA <333

may u sew dem wings on and reach places u never could have before!!! u are soooo loved and u will get soooo much better, just hang in there!!! we're all with u<33

love always,

heaven

[yantao-enthusiast]

hey y’all so i’ve been worried that i’m overreacting and questioning whether i should bring it up with my therapist because i’m starting to have suspicions about if i have chronic fatigue? but also i’m wondering if it’s just the depression or anxiety (i’ve been officially diagnosed with those) that’s been causing me to be so tired within the last few years? after talking it through with one of my best friends, i’m like is it just hormones? is it my horrible and inconsistent sleep schedule? is it just because i’m lazy?

so i’m just gonna put my symptoms into a post and see if anyone on tumblr has anything to say (not that it really counts as an official diagnosis or anything but it’d be nice to have some feedback from people who have chronic fatigue or are experienced in the field yk)

anyways so as stated earlier i’m like known for my horrible messed up sleep schedule. it’s never consistent though it’s been getting better recently imo! though when i wake up i’m still at least somewhat tired, like i have a dull headache, or before prozac, like my eyes were aching. it takes me hours to get out of bed unless i have something to do because even that feels like a chore. i can hardly bring myself to do things like eat even if i’m hungry or consistently shower or brush my teeth most days (to the point of my teeth rotting actually) let alone do chores (which lord knows my mother has complained about for like a decade).

i actually had to drop out of high school because i was just so tired and hardly felt motivated or had the energy to go to school which i had chalked up to depression. ever since middle school actually, i’ve been tardy and truant probably half the days, to the point where a social worker had to come and see me after a 30 day absence from school. and days when i did go to school, by the end of the day i was falling asleep on my backpack in the car line. and even now when i’m not even in school at the moment due to being afraid i won’t be able to handle the workload of college, i still get tired walking around a large grocery store or just in a long car ride. for probably over half my life i feel as if i’ve been disassociating and tired even after the 8 hour recommended rest.

also idk if this is relevant but light sensitivity was mentioned when i googled it but it feels like sunlight has always made me tired? like i always chalked it up to me being more nocturnal from associating daylight with stressors like school but i thought it might be relevant to mention idk.

oh and also it feels like my muscles are always cramped like if you crumpled up a piece of paper then tried to straighten it again and mostly in my back. like it doesn’t bother me too bad but it’s not exactly pleasant

i’m just worried because it feels like i’m trying everything to combat my depression and even now i don’t think it’s that bad rn so i genuinely don’t think it’s just me holding myself back mentally? i don’t know if i need stronger medication for my depression or if there’s something else like chronic fatigue happening but i thought i’d ask to see if anyone has any insight or advice on if it’s worth bringing up to my doctor or therapist ?

[twinknote]

i need 2 vent abt this, cw fatphobia (specifically in the medical field) and ED

i’m seeing a new doctor today bc my primary is on maternity leave (which is stressful to me as it is) but i am So anxious that she’s going to talk to me abt losing weight. my primary has personal ED experience and has told me Many times that they’re not concerned abt my weight based on my actual health markers. but i’ve been told by doctors since the ripe age of fucking 10 to lose weight which has Heavily fueled my ED and i Cannot lose my footing in recovery rn. but ofc my evil fucking ED voice in the back of my mind is saying You’re lying to yourself…. Despite all of this evidence that points to the “obesity epidemic” being a billion dollar industry in a lab coat and fatness not being a reliable health marker, you are probably just ugly and evil and need to stop doing that.

i know A Lot of this is being fueled by my ED rearing its ugly little head and searching for scraps of evidence against recovery. but also i think there’s a part of me that fears that my symptoms and illnesses are just due to my body size and i’m experiencing them bc i chose recovery. like It’s All My Fault. which realistically i know that my body size would not cause me to have This few spoons. and also i have experienced severe amounts of stress for the majority of my life and also have cptsd from being abused and neglected, which Toooootally doesn’t have any effect on my health, along with the extremely high dose of a medication that raises your blood pressure and HR 🤡 which are my two worst symptoms that my brain says Hm have you considered it’s bc you’re fat?

ANYWAY. moral of the story is that doctors are scary and hold a lot of power and also i have to trust that my primary wouldn’t hand their patients’ care over to a biased fatphobic pos. and also even if she Does talk abt my weight, i can use my own brain and knowledge and lived experience to affirm to myself that the medical field has been conditioned to be Extremely fatphobic and if there are legitimate medical concerns, they can be addressed without the sole treatment plan being weight loss 👍

[borderline-gays-club]

A question/invitation for conversation For pplw/BPD that have experienced obsession towards someone they admire:

How does the euphoria of the obsession affect you? Do you feel more hypersensitive in general? More hyper/alert? Protective towards that person(or even fictional character)? Etc etc. just curious how ppl experience this very intense fuckin thing.

Like rn I feel kinda hypomanic. But I’m 99% sure it’s not my bipolar symptoms randomly flaring up again. Not even bc I’m medicated but I do get really tired and I still experience hunger like usual. I feel like those two are the biggest red alert to a hypomanic episode: if sleep and food don’t feel necessary. But ngl still paranoid lol.

But ya I feel an immense amount of motivation and focus even. Also urgency I’ve mentioned before. And yes a part of it is I want this for myself but another big part is I want to impress the person I’m obsessed with. And mind u they are a celebrity so that’s a far goal. Which weirdly ends up working out for me. Cus I feel like if it’s someone I kno irl then that goal is closer cus I’m already one step in by knowing them.

Idk This is the first time in my life where an obsession this fuckin crazy in my head feels actually helpful for me in the long run. Im at a specific point in my life where I feel like I’m just in the beginnings of really blossoming into my fullest selves. Things are starting to click internally. Slowly but surely. I’m becoming more in tune with my identities even with so many more years ahead to work thru. Still have so much to work thru.

But ya anyway; I’m also feeling a time crunch cus I’m getting olderish and like shit is getting more and more fucked everyday. I want to live my life to its fullest especially bc my mental problems have not allowed me to feel the ability to do that. I want to feel freedom within myself. I want to feel all the joy and love I have to offer towards myself. I’m getting there slowly.

So yeah. Thank you to my current obsession for inspiring me so deeply that I’m striving to thrive and to explore my fullest and deepest potential. Even once the obsession passes, I’ll always b grateful

[rivetgoth]

Seriously distraught for this trans guy on Reddit asking for help because post-COVID he’s developed transphobic intrusive thoughts that he’s absolutely unable to shake and in his own words felt like “[he] was stupid and naive before, and finally woke up” and almost every single comment was absolute cringefail idiots being like “COVID can’t do that to you. Go to therapy.” with not only no sympathy but talking completely out of their ass. Like 75% of the time when I tell people about my experience with mental health plummeting post-COVID they very clearly do not believe me or are kinda like “huh… are you sure you weren’t just stressed out about having COVID?” and I want to grab them throttle them scream at them NO I have dealt with mental health issues my whole life and I cannot begin to put into words the absolute extreme severity of the symptoms here, it literally felt like an altered state it felt like the worst bad trip of my life I was throwing up sobbing myself to sleep having panic attacks daily, trauma resurfacing that I had not thought about in years, trying to journal would result in pages and pages of incoherent rambling about how terrified I was, FULLY convinced I had uncovered some hidden truth about the universe and that I would never be able to return to normalcy which is literally a documented sign of bad trips in altered states as well as psychosis, like this was a full-blown psychotic episode unlike anything I’d had since I was a teenager and even at my absolute most peaceful moments I had this unshakeable sense of unease and discomfort that just felt like it was my new natural state. I know other people who had this experience as well, each person I talked to who could relate reported a different way their brains turned against them and everything they believed in started raveling. My dad’s mental health plummeted post-COVID and he became convinced that the war in his home country meant there is no hope for humanity’s or his family’s future. Very real fears brought to the forefront to such an extreme degree my mom was calling me begging me to try to talk to him because he wasn’t himself. Afterwards he said it felt like a bad trip. Angel experienced something similar, I know someone else who was hospitalized for anxiety attacks twice in one week, etc. And this took MONTHS to dissipate, literally symptoms started sometime late January-early February last year and absolutely did not let up until sometime around May or June of the same year, slowly improving month by month until my head was finally clear. I had been thinking about this experience recently anyway because this is the “anniversary” of it right now and it absolutely left me with some long-term trauma I’m still working through but seeing someone else describe the exact same experience and be met with “COVID can’t do that” is shaking me to my fucking core rn lmao.

[erjmokay]

Can someone give me an extra giant pillow cave to crawl into for a couple months please? I’m so, utterly fatigued.

So I had some sort of … event, occur today. Likely either some kind of non-convulsive seizure or a TIA (‘mini stroke’) or some other neurological malfunction. As terrified as I know I should be, since I have never experienced anything like this before in my life… I just, don’t have the time to think about it.

I’m dog-sitting tonight and tomorrow, I’ve got a ton of work to finish, my yearly self-eval is due tomorrow, our storage unit price doubles next month so we have to clear it out because we can’t afford everything on my income alone, my partner has a bike race coming up and surgery two days after that. We just got over covid a couple weeks ago, my other chronic illnesses are flaring because of it, and I simply do not have time for a new goddamn symptom or phenomena or whateverthefuck. So it will either have to not happen again, or wait its fucking turn for me to give a shit.

And tbh I’m leaving out some of the bigger stuff going on in my life rn cause again, I don’t have the time or energy to type it out into this void.

[the1975attheirverybest]

Hi I am so sorry for dumping things on you but you talk about mental health on here quite a lot and I’m just having such an awful time lately, it’s getting really hard to get out of bed again and keep up with basic hygiene and I used to just cope by imagining that I could just talk to matty about it and now I can’t help but feel like he would be disgusted by me in my current state so there’s that and just reaching out to friends feels like a chore and makes me feel like I’m being a burden. I’m so sorry this is incoherent and I’m so sorry I’m just rambling in your asks but finding coping mechanisms is getting so hard. Im really sorry if this has made you uncomfortable, feel free to delete it if it has, I really mean it

Hello, my dear 💝

I want to say thank you so much for reaching out. It means a lot to me to have these sometimes difficult conversations on here, so I appreciate your vulnerability. Especially because I know from personal experience how hard it is to open up and not feel like you’re going to annoy people and stuff.

You can always come on here and vent to me, alright?

Also, I wanna point out that Matty MOST DEFINITELY WOULDN’T be disgusted with you! I bet he has experienced this first hand. What you describe here are very common symptoms of depression. Ones that I (and so many people I know) struggle with as well. Hygiene and appetite are the first things to take a hit for me, when my depression worsens. I bet Matty has felt it too. I mean, from Nothing Revealed/ Everything Denied, I’m guessing yeah he knows what that’s like. Which, I think, would make him uniquely equipped at understanding and helping you through it. It’s always easier to talk to someone who knows what it’s like.

Take care of yourself, alright, hun? 💗 this means doing what you can, when you can, and without judgment. None of that telling yourself that you’re bad or incapable or a loser because you can’t get your health and environment in control rn. None of it is true. You’re battling a real illness. The equivalent of carrying heavy rocks, strapped to your shoulders at all times. Do you think that it would be easy for the average person to cook, clean, go out and about, if they had several tons of rocks attached to them all day everyday? Mental illness is PHYSICALLY and emotionally draining. Be patient with yourself and remember that you’ll get better soon. It’ll pass. I promise.

Wanna hear from you again soon! Please keep me posted on how you’re doing. Even if you’re not doing any better. I would like to know, please. I’ll be thinking of you and sending you all my love.