#I’m almost never busy
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I was gonna say that it seems the only way to get my brain to go write rn is to hold a gun to my head, but at this point if someone did and was like “go write you lazy fuck” I’d just tell them to shoot me
#it’s not that I don’t like writing#okay. well… like and enjoy are different things okay#I like the Concept of writing#and the dopamine from people telling me they like my writing#(I don’t know if dopamine is the right word and honestly I don’t care)#I hate the process and most often the end result#so no I don’t enjoy it#I’m getting off track again#my point is#I have so much free time#back in May I said I’d spend my whole summer writing#meanwhile I wrote like 4000 words of actual fic in 60 days#that’s nothing#I’m almost never busy#I have enough spoons that I could open a fucking cutlery shop#my brain’s just deciding that Nope. we’re gonna stare at the ceiling for three hours instead#‘we can’t write we have dishes in the sink and a month of laundry to do’#‘no we’re not gonna go do those things instead we’re just gonna sit here and complain’#I’ve said it yesterday and I’ll repeat it. at this point I’m sick of myself
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Horizontober day 21: Haze
Smoke bombs are an extremely useful tool that I forgot existed about 4 seconds after I learned how to use them. Oops
#horizontober2023#my art#horizon forbidden west#hfw#sorry aloy I love stealth games but I almost never use the smoke bombs#rip#I’ve been a little busy the past couple days so I’m catching up today
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workin’ on stuff… ✍️
#wip#fnaf#fnaf ruin#fnaf security breach#glamrock freddy#gregory fnaf#vanessa fnaf#3 star family#realized i never posted a wip here so i’m gonna change that!#apologies for lack of art recently.. college prep is keeping me busy!!#anyways them!! i’ve been wanting to make another 3 star fam piece for a while so i am doing just that#the bg took me. so long. i just finished it today but i am loving the turnout so far!#hopefully i can get this done soon bc this has already taken me almost 20 hours 🙏
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Rest in piece fawcetttweets thank you for your hard work
Thank you 😔 I never predicted that adding yet another project on top of all of my many many others would somehow result in more work for me to do. No one could have seen this coming. Rip Fawcetttweets, you will be missed. 🕊
#fawcett tweets#ooc#rambles#i have so many fics and drawings and animatics that will never see the light of day#because everytime I’m almost finished one I start a new project#then I wonder why nothing ever gets done#and why I’m so stressed and busy all the time#anyway i just bought the stuff to learn how to do needle felting#so I can make a bunch of Billy stuff with it#surely this is a good idea
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#former older schoolmate/business girl I still follow on Instagram is engaged#and I’m sooooooo happy for her#like seriously I will CRY if I think about it too much#she’s so beautiful as a person and has always been so loving and kind#and also she went through several stages of almost being a nun and it never quite working out#and she’s just lived a whole LIFE ya know?#and now she’s engaged!!!#and she seems so happy! and you know WHAT#he is C U T E#and it is just never what anyone would have predicted for her or at least what I never thought would happen#and anyway me and my sisters have been following her on insta and tracking this love story from afar#and we all just had a scream in the group chat about it
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Should I make a fake shark fin to stick out of my big field of wildflowers for the spooky season? A couple miles down the road is a house with a fake velociraptor out front year round that, last time I passed it, had dressed it up as a witch and also have it attacking a skeleton that’s riding it so I feel like I’m falling way way behind
#I never decorate but this is the first time I’m living on a busy road#I’ve got almost two acres but it’s longways so no one can see my house#could do a scarecrow but that sounds more like me Crowley-ing myself into thinking I see a man in my yard every day#(could do a scare Crowley: dress it real nice and add a speech bubble shaped sign that says ‘I forgive you’)#felt the need to specify it was a fake velociraptor more as wishful thinking than anything else#it looks pretty alert#skeletonin#onion’s nighttime thoughts#spooky season edition
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looking at the leafs fanbase & realising that most people have never watched a team sport before becoming a leafs fan and finally realising that’s why people act the way they do.
#morgan rielly i am side-eyeing you#this isn’t a shot it’s just mind boggling to me how some people genuinely do not believe this comes down to being a business#at the end of the day.#the fact the core have lasted as long as they have without the success to back it up would NEVER happen in any other sport/team#but because it’s happening in toronto & most people don’t know how team sports on a broad scale works#this is just seen as normal. its not lol.#most executives give you a window of like maybe 3 years max to try and get a championship once you have good players & if it doesn’t happen#someone or multiple people get traded like thats just how it works#i think people overreact because its toronto but people overreact because they’re exhausted theyve put up with almost a decade of this core#with literally nothing but 1 singular playoff round to show for it#so forgive people for reading into it#i’ve been here over 12 months only and i’m concerned i cannot imagine what it’s like for seasoned leafs fans
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every time I think i've managed to go a day without anxiety it says "haha just you wait!"
#the feeling of unaccomplishment just really hit me because I saw this one girl I was friends with during 2nd grade posting about her new#baby and starting her own business and although those aren’t things I want for myself right now I just feel so far behind everyone else#everyone I know from before I did online schooling for high school is at college (and I’m not joking when I say 95% of them are going to#nursing school which was what I wanted to do before I decided working in a hospital would be too much for me since I go there once a month#already for infusions) and even if I were to strike up a conversation with one of them it’s hard because they’re all at college and#probably busy and I can’t decide who would be best to reach out to because I haven’t talked to them in almost 9 years#I’ve been trying to post more on ig stories in hopes that one of them might reach out first but I fear I need to bite the bullet#I’ve been tempted to just say screw it and just ask on my story if anyone would want to hang out some weekend but that’s so embarrassing#even if someone does reply… let alone if no one replies#I just keep telling myself that when I get this job it will be different because it will force me to socialize but I’m scared I’ll never#get to achieve what’s ‘Normal’ in life#autumn rambles
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…well, turns out changing to a Jo pfp is fitting in more ways than one.
#yeah turns out I’m going to be having a Jo and Laurie on the Hill moment. hopefully not to such a dramatic degree but#I went out with The Boy yesterday and I was dreading it so much#and it was fine but then at the end he asked if we could make it official that we were dating#and I asked him to give me a little bit of time to think (which he was super sweet about he did literally nothing wrong)#but yeah I just came to the conclusion within ten seconds of leaving the restaurant that it wasn’t going to work. like I felt nothing when#he asked me that question. and I wanted this to work so bad! it makes so much sense on paper but I’m just not feeling it#and I talked to my dad about it and he said that because the part of the brain that processes emotions is not connected to the part that#processes language aren’t connected that people who are married struggle to put into words why they married their spouse#so if I can’t put into words why I don’t want to date this guy it’s perfectly valid#and I suppose he’s right I just feel terrible about it. like how often do you find a guy this courteous and genuinely good? and like I#think maybe part of what’s bothering me was that there was almost no romance to this. like never at any point did he tell me that he even#liked me. it was just ‘hey we’ve hung out a few times now should we say we’re dating?’ and I’m not trying to rag on him he’s probably just#shy but it rang a little like a business proposition to me#but ugh. now I have to call (because I’m not going to do it over text) and break this poor boy’s heart#it’s a really good thing I have the play and my novel to distract me otherwise I’d be a mess#anyway prayers would be appreciated
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uhhhhhhh
#this is a veeeeent pooooooost 🎶🎶#it’s okay#he’s okay#i’m handling it well#today we almost got the answer to the question that i think of all the time which is what happens when someone dies in the library#it’s never been that close before#they told us he’s in the clear now#but god it was close#he was also buck ass naked#and while this whole thing is happening i’m watching my coworker answer a phone call about the fucking notary#and the guy that beat the shit out of our guard was just walking by#i need a new job so bad#i cannot keep doing this#i feel so tired#the absolute helplessness#what the fuck#i’m a fucking librarian#no one believes us when we say how bad it is#and i’ve still got this dumb digital skills class no one ever comes to tomorrow#i’ve been doing it for six months and no one’s ever come#because they’re busy having the worst time ever and we’re expending all our resources on stupid classes instead of tailoring our services#to the actual people in the room#and we’re not allowed to do that because the library would prefer that we don’t acknowledge who our primary clientele is#it makes me feel hysterical#anyways#get cpr certified#flynn.txt
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funniest thing about the Food Service Shoulder Carry is that it literally comes from nowhere. it requires no practice. it just requires enough exposure to kitchens that one day you get a notification that says ‘perk unlocked! you can do the shoulder carry now’ and you say oh word. nice
#pers#like o had NEVER done it and almost dropped shit when i tried and then worked one busy event where it was necessary#and it just worked perfectly. and now i’m just waking around w shit on my shoulder at all times
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have you ever been in love?
Honestly, I don’t think so? Or at least not in the like… deep romantic sense? I’ve been single most of my life, and I’ve only dated one guy (and I turned out to be incredibly lesbian so)
That being said!!! I love the people I have chosen to have in my life very deeply. I have no qualms with expressing love about people in my life. The one boyfriend I ever had I told him I loved him like a month in (and then I broke up with him over text to avoid meeting his family but that’s a different story — I was young and stupid 🤭) and while I certainly wasn’t actually in genuine love with him, I have no regrets about saying that and I wouldn’t take it back. I’ve fallen for people and my heart gets very invested because I have a tendency to fall hard, but I don’t know that I would go as far as to say I was in love with any of them 🤔 and if I was I don’t think I’d ever admit that to myself unless I knew they reciprocated and that isn’t happening anytime soon 😂
This sounds like a depressing answer but it’s not I promise I am happy I have SO much love in my heart and in my life and I share it with my friends and family and the people around me every chance I get like if you become my friend it’ll be like max 3 weeks before I start dropping I love you’s in the chat. and guess what. I mean it 😤
#long winded way to say I refuse to admit I’ve fallen in love unless they love me back and that’s never happened so no :)#I’m just a silly little guy bouncing around from day to day idk#I love my friends I love my family#someday I will have a girlfriend and wife whom I love very dearly and who loves me in return#but that is not this second and that’s okay!!!#this is one of the first times in my life that I have had the mental and physical capacity to extend that sort of love beyond friendship#I was too busy with my mental disorders when I was young and then in college I became disabled and almost died and I had to focus on me for#a long time#why didn’t I include that up there#anyways#I had to learn who I was after almost dying and get to a point in my life where I was doing more than surviving day to day#and it’s only very recent that I feel I have achieved that#so now that I can do that? watch out world. as soon as a hot girl falls in love with me it’s OVER for you bitches#ask#asks#ask game#sweetlikesunflowersandhoney
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Can’t believe I get to see her in real life in 2 days aaaaa
#I rarely ever get starstruck but I’m honestly freaking out a lil#beautiful human who I have seen only through my tv and computer screens for almost two decades of my life#and whose work has had a huge part in keeping me sane the past couple years#or yknow#a more tolerable type of insane than if I only had The Horrors of my personal life Situation to focus on#half of me is like ooh I should try to make a friendly or business connection or at least say hi and thank him for the above if I can#and the other half hopes he never perceives me ever#so that I can stay in my little parasocial bubble lol#anyway#I’m sewing myself a new outfit about it hahaha#12:43am send post#shouts into void
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Every other week I come home horribly upset because someone at work keeps scolding me and I rant and rave about how I try to explain my process but she won’t listen, or I try and ask her for her process but she doesn’t understand, or I don’t get why she contradicts herself when she talks, or I stand there and just feel stupid while she nags me,
And I stop
And I go: “it’s the autism isn’t it”
And my partner, having heard this now a dozen times in three months, sighs, and tells me:
“YES”
#autism#bluestonehieroglyphs#i mean I’m relatively to this autism thing I assumed I was weird because I was under socialized not the other way around#turns out it’s almost textbook autism except I never learned the coping mechanisms#a lot of ppl figure it out in their teens but I was too busy running half marathons and being horrifically depressed to notice#and then I went to college and just found a home w what I realize now are a bunch of weirdos (affectionate)#but I am sorely unprepared for the real world neurotyoical workplace it literally drives me insane
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honk shoo.
#but yeah sleepy.#i have so much to do these next few days I’m gonna die#meanwhile I just wanna see my friends#the good thing is that some of the busy things involve seeing my friends but goddamn why are almost all of them hard#also YES I’m going to be dumb and gay again bc a) why shouldn’t I b) nobody can stop me#I’m being dumb and gay again.#now seen The Guy twice since I’ve been back and he’s very cool#still feel like I’m being insane god idk what I’m doing#I hope he comes tomorrow bc he can’t make the meeting which means he won’t be on committee which sucks bc he did want to#OH but I did mean to tell him there was one role he could go for and have a good shot at that I think he’d be good for#only problem is if he doesn’t come tomorrow I can’t tell him in time bc I don’t have any way to message him other than email#(which feels slightly creepy bc I only know it bc secretary and he’s never explicitly said his surname so it’s just inferred from the list)#idk. the thing that gets me is we are very much friends now. like early stages of friends but we keep talking at hockey#and importantly he keeps coming To Me which keeps surprising me bc he does it more than any of my other friends#but I guess I’m also coming to him kinda a lot too. self awareness falls when around cute boy you get how it is#god it’s so unfair why is he like this#I finished getting my skates off before he did yesterday which gave me a very good opportunity to Look while he was talking#and have it not be weird and he’s just very pretty. he’s got a rlly nice nose#i always feel insane pointing out noses it’s the Draw speaking bc I use noses as a focal point and they’re fun to draw#tbh it’s unlikely I will say someone does Not have a nice nose but idk let me have this. it would be fun to draw is maybe what I mean#and I hadn’t noticed before bc the like bridge? and uhh like. base? idk nose words but they don’t match#the bridge is super long and on the thin side w a bump like mine but the like bottom is much rounder and wider and I don’t see that mix much#he also just has rlly nice hair it’s super curly and he’s in that like weird light brown purgatory where it’s all different colours#like it’s mostly light brown but some bits look rlly dark and some especially at the ends is like almost blonde and it changes w the light#god he also keeps doing this dumb fucking thing where he’s trying to skate while squatting all the way and it’s ridiculous#he looks like a spider folding in on itself and the worst part is he can fucking do it#he’s gotten so good at skating recently and I have a feeling he lives somewhere with an ice rink bc I’m sure he’s better than he was novembr#yeah I also got to just stand and watch him play yesterday and it’s so incredibly horribly unfair#anyway I’m too fucking gay and I will not let him escape me again tomorrow I Will get his instagram or smth bc I swear this man#luke.txt
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i think god hates me actually
#trying to have a party with my friends#two of them have work today and one of them isn’t getting back in the state until late tonight#one of them never responded so i’m assuming he’s not coming#and now one of them is feeling sick and his power just went out#so he may not come#which leaves literally two ppl.#my mom made me clean the entire house by myself. for two ppl to come over.#if one of them flakes then i’ll just tell the other one to not come bc it’s not worth it at that point#it’s also a supposed to be a pool party. but it’s gonna rain for a good chunk of the day.#idk. i’m just so exhausted from this that i think no matter what i’ll probably cry when no ones here bc i’m just so fucking tired#i really wanted to like. have a fun pool day with my friends.#but now almost none of them are coming and it’s supposed to rain#and it’s also gonna be the last time i see them before i leave since i’m busy every other day this week#since my fucking coworker doesn’t know how to call off on time#and i got stuck covering his shift on thursday#idk. i just really wanna cry rn.#k.txt#vent tw
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