#I’M GOING TO FUCKING PUNCH SOMETHING
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what if. Amy “fix-it” because hallucifer makes sam so paranoid about dean leaving for no reason that sam gives in and follows him and is witness to the whole thing
#hallucifer: wow. big brother really trusts us. (beat) so something’s up right? we know it’s never this easy.#sam: (visibly restraining himself from saying shut up. about to grab his scar.)#hallucifer: (aware he’s about to be banished) don’t listen to me if you want but. I’m just trying to help.#don’t blame me if you look in the papers tomorrow and find a obit for your brain-eating girlfriend. and… what was her kid’s name again?#sam: (touching the scar. not pressing down. face all screwed up.) || hallucifer: :3 it’s not like it’ll hurt anyone#if he really does trust you he doesn’t even have to know we’re following him. *and* you’ll know your brother still trusts you.#even when I’m here. maybe he won’t even punch you again. that still hurting?#sam: (grimace. because yeah. it does.) || hallucifer: door number two - he thinks you’ve lost it and he’s going to stab that woman to death.#so what’s it gonna be Sam? ready to gamble your friend’s life on if Dean gives a shit about your opinion?#[and that’s the point where sam goes to follow dean. still doesn’t talk to Lucifer. not there yet. but oh hallucifer is sooo pleased with#himself about this. because he’s Sam. and he picks up on what Sam doesn’t. and he could see all of Dean’s little giveaways that Sam was#turning a blind eye to. and now here’s the perfect opportunity to put a wedge between them and get sam to trust him more <3)#GOD. FUCK. IM UPSET NOW. WHY WASNT HALLUCIFER IN THAT EPISODE. MOST OF THE EPISODES?#such a good fucking concept. squandered.#anyway. idk if sam saves Amy but he DEFINITELY here’s Dean’s little speech to her about how she can’t change.#hallucifer with faux sympathy like (sigh) damn. well. i always told you what he was like. Michael. Michael-sword. no difference.#both of them want us dead the moment we step out of line.#and Sam just frozen there in horror with Lucifer’s voice sinking in. and he believes him. how can he not. with dean proving him right#hallucifer#spn#sam winchester#amy pond
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#╳┆ dayne speaking ┆◜ ooc ��#don’t mind me t.gcf posting again but like#you’re telling me no one thought it was weird that JW put that first cursed shackle around XL’s neck#everyone else gets one around the wrist but my boy gets one around the throat and one around the ankle… that’s suspicious. that’s weird.#like yea yea it’s meant to be humiliating by design but why is my boy the only one who gets collared. I just find it VERY convenient#obliterating JW with my mind#I’ve written at least two versions of fx / mq finding out about… well literally everything that happened to XL#& have read multiple fics on the topic#but none of it is really scratching the itch… I can see why it was left out of canon#HOWEVER. I need it addressed. for reasons……#mq is an easy character to write in theory but that’s completely undercut by the fact that I never have any idea what to expect#when he opens his fucking mouth like I can write his internal monologue but his dialogue escapes me in most cases#fx on the other hand is so very predictable. the dub really captures the himbo of it all#every time he speaks in the dub I crack up like why are you punching me with your words man please take a xanax#also ik there’s an overabundance of coffin fics but I had the idea of xl spending a century tripping on DMT#and I can’t stop thinking about it#I know I’m going to end up writing it but I have no idea what it’s going to turn out like#sigh. I need to stfu but I’ve done nothing but read & occasionally write ff for this series for like. two fucking weeks or something#and I probably will not get a grip anytime soon#hu.alian saved me from welwitschia but at what fucking cost
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hey. what the fuck is up with Ratchet and Clank merch
#ratchet and clank#I was like ‘I have literally three pieces of merch of R&C despite it being my special interest since elementary school I should fix that’#*goes online* the fucking horrors#what do you MEAN everything is at least $100 dollars or more??? excuse me???#the employee exclusive one is almost always over a thousand dollars. y’all see the one priced like a small car right.#the fucking PLUSHIES ARE A HUNDRED DOLLARS???#why.#the TINY FUCKING PIN IS $90????#btw the three pieces I have are the Funko Pops (I am not a huge Funko Pop person but I saw them release and pre-ordered them for my b-day)#and then the Ratchet and Clank art book. that is all#I have all of the games but like. that’s not /merch/ per se it’s the actual series content#actually I take it back I no longer have all the games bc I’m missing the very first game in physical copy + the PSP games + the PS4-5 ones#and I am the most fucking rabid Ratchet and Clank fan. I am autism insane about it. and I don’t have ANYTHING#do you see how much of a tragedy this is. do you understand how damaging this is to me every single day#that I do not have a Clank plushie to hold. a Ratchet plushie to keep him company. and an Alister Azimuth action figure to abuse.#my goal is to make that video essay I’ve had in my brain for years and make Insomniac feel so seen that they gift me something.#bc of the heartfelt please of a disabled poor person that has loved their series so much all their life#I’m going to punch through a steel wall
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it’s finally starting to settle in that christmas is in 3 fucking days
#like. it doesnt even feel like winter#maybe i’m js getting older but last i checked i was counting down the hours and it was getting hard to sleep at night#it was a “its finally cold out! my favorite time of year! we’re off on break! christmas is almost here!”#n now its a “oh right christmas. free stuff”#my parents apparently have something big planned for my 18th this year and i can’t bring myself to even look forward to it?#like. yeah. my fucking eighteenth birthday is in like a week#and the start of a new year is less of a celebration and more of a sigh of relief#its more of a “yippee. another year. at least it’s a fresh start.”#i think this is the 2020 effect#2020 was 4 years ago guys. that is absolutely insane#its not even nostalgia it’s just “wow. okay.”#its like getting punched in the gut yk#2020 was the last year the holidays felt right.#now my whole life feels like a blur and i cannot believe it was four whole years ago#and now we’re entering 2024 with nothing but see you again by tyler the creator and a few loose hopes#the election is this year#maybe things will fix themselves and go back to normal#thats all ive ever wanted since 2020 ended. was for things to just be normal#after the masking mandates were lifted i felt like maybe they could#but im just kinda being rushed through life#and i wish it would just be normal.
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you ever feel the urge to idk just ahhhhhh
#want to just scream into the void#or punch something#i swear i’m not violent#fuck boys#expecially dickhead exes#they can all go disappear#minus bradley bradshaw ofc
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“but that’s SOOOO STOOPID and anyone with more BRAINCELLS than a-“
*abandons your video cutely*
[warning long rant in tags]
#ableism#please shut up about braincells#YOU DON’T HAVE TO INSULT INTELLIGENCE TO CRITICIZE SOMETHING#ANYONE CAN MAKE A BAD IDEA#EVEN IF THEY HAVE THE MOST MASSIVE BRAIN IN THE WORLD#BAD IDEAS ARE NOT LIMITED TO “STUPID PEOPLE” WITH “0 BRAINCELLS”#STOP PUNCHING DOWN AT MENTALLY DISABLED PEOPLE TO MAKE A FUCKING POINT#LIKE AN UNFUNNY CONDESCENDING JACKASS#swearing cw#swearing in tags#rant in tags#rant#vent#ableist language cw#i fucking hate “less than 5 braincells har de har” humor so fucking much#i’m so fucking tired of it#like awww look who can’t say the r-slur#i fucking hate it#i hate this shit#you can insult something without mocking so-called “stupid people”#it’s not going to kill you#i promise /gen#bad writing#<for criticism#BAD IDEAS HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH INTELLIGENCE.#OR HOW MANY BRAINCELLS YOU FUCKING HAVE.#PLEASE STOP INSULTING MENTALLY DISABLED PEOPLE FOR A JOKE#don’t harrass anyone.#all caps
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After years of my mom obsessing over my hair and forcing me to do various treatments on it and threatening punishment if I didn’t comply. I’ve come to understand why Britney shaved her head that one time. I know that was something she did as part of a mental breakdown but fuck yeah good for her. I get it.
#and the stupid bitch still doesn’t get it or maybe she refuses to#like you can’t pretend you’re just worried and you don’t understand why I’m angry when you’ve spent years strong arming me into#putting castor oil in my hair and attempting to put mayonnaise in it and I think the only thing that stopped her was my dermatologist#bc he said it wouldn’t do anything at best and also don’t put fucking condiments in your hair#but she really wanted to and I don’t remember this but she might’ve hit me over my refusal#and she’d threaten to take my phone away or deny me something else if I didn’t let her do shit#and then recently she FaceTimed me while I was at DND and tried persuading me to see an endocrinologist#like saying oh she had a friend with the same problem and went to an endocrinologist and the birth control was the issue#(never mind the fact that my BC is the reason I don’t have painful cystic acne anymore and do have a regular period again)#and she was trying to push me into going#and I kept saying I wasn’t having this conversation w her now bc I was busy and she was just like ‘so when are we going to have it’#and basically trying to push past my boundary of I’m fucking busy and this conversation doesn’t need to happen now#I just hung up on her and went on airplane mode but fuck even thinking about it makes me so angry like I want to punch her kinds of angry#and honestly if she hadn’t kept ignoring me and hadn’t kept trying to have this conversation after I said I was busy maybe I would’ve taken#it into consideration and looked into seeing one sometime#but honestly now I absolutely fucking refuse unless my doctor and I agree it’d be a good idea#fuck off mom fuck off and mind your own fucking business#personal#erika's blog and bar
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#that good ol sword of Damocles feeling#like hiding under the kitchen table#waiting for my parents to come home so they could shout at me for hours#I punish myself harder than anybody else ever could#but that doesn’t matter to the ones who just want to yell#and I am a convenient punching bag bc I can’t fight back#I wish I could just tell them to fuck off#and bounce with just a middle finger for goodbye#but I’m going to have to sit there and take it like a good boy#even while there’s something feral clawing desperately at my chest and throat#insane with fury to get out
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go feral. chew cardboard.
#this is not even a joke#I just had the most relaxing 5 minuites#just chewing a cardboard packaging#stimming#I guess#just really nice to get my teeth into something a fucking bite#so yeah if you’re feeling stressed#go bite some cardboard#really nice#al dente#and sound like a hole punch if your teeth go through#I’m off to bite some more cardboard#bye
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ok i’m abt to go to bed i promise but i do need one more little tag ramble
#marzi speaks#goodnight tumblr#OK. so i took a shower before bed tonight. as ya do#and bc i’ve been reading go fanfic and getting emotional all day#i decided i’d play my love song playlist as bg music#i’m hanging out. washing my hair etc#suddenly. she’s an angel by they might be giants#i go from casual brain association hanging out to Emotional Wreck almost immediately#it’s such a sweet song. it’s so sappy. it’s so perfect for them#song ends. i’m like ok ok. that was sweet but it’s new song time#what comes on? LOVEFOOL. BY. THE FUCKING. CARDIGANS#the way my voice nearly BROKE as i (quietly bc it was late) sang ‘what i could have done in another way to make you stay’#it was insane. the control i had to not start crying#scary part is that playlist has linger from the cranberries on it. thank fucking GOD it didn’t triple kill me#it already got that 1-2 punch. it easily coulda taken me out#but it didn’t. it moved on to something else#but oh my GODDDD the rush of emotion was insane#dude hyperfixation feelings plus hormonal clock feelings are fucking crazyyyyy#i go from ‘i love my friends so muchhhhhhh’ to ‘they love each other so muchhhhhh’ to ‘THEY’RE STUPID TO EACH OTHER SO MUCHHHHHHHH’#it is funny tho. can’t complain abt that#still tho i like. felt my heart pang in my chest as that music hit me. i physically felt my heartstrings get tugged
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And HOW am I getting misgendered by people that only know me from a LinkedIn profile with my pronouns right up at the top
#I’m going insane#corporate hell#FUCK [redacted company]#I’d rather be doing the job I had than looking for a new one#ugh#here I was thinking oh hey fresh start yippee#I can just start work as a man and not have that awkward transition period#but no something about me is so fundamentally womancoded that it gets picked up on across digital platforms#shrieking sobbing slamming my head in the door shitting myself punching a hole in the wall
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literally why do they care so much to speak on some dude they’re vaguely associated with ? u want ppl to know u have the biggest bested morals ever don’t u ? I have to speak on things so my fans know I’m sooooo good and they’ll also give me attentionnnnnn for being such a goodie two shoes ^-^
#bro if u reaaallly wanna stick it to the bad guys go punch a fucking fascist#wow I’m so good for talking about something so little! I’m such a good person!#congrats u wrote a post on the internet heres ur medal lol
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I started playing Arkham Origins, and it’s been pretty ok so far! ALSO
Green bastard 💚 baby boy baby
#also I got fucking stuck already#I’m going to shoot myself I cannot believe I’m stuck#there’s just this part that I can’t continue for some reason????#idk if it’s a bug#but I’m going to punch something#my delirious ramblings
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Uuggghhhh I don’t wanna go to work today
#this weekend has been so exhausting#like one it’s way busier than normal cuz Christmas#but also I think I’ve been yelled at/argued with/threatened more in the past two days#then I have been in the past two months combined#which is like ugh whatever but is also so fucking annoying#I know it’s because ppl think they’re allowed to do whatever the want and also see retail employees as like. punching bags and stress balls#but like dude. my WHOLE JOB is to explain company policy to ppl#like do I actually gaf about company policy? no. but it IS my entire job to explain it to you and I kinda need a job#also like sorry you’re not gonna die if things didn’t go exactly you’re way at the by in bulk store#but like why do you think you’re gonna get you’re way by screaming at me and begging me to make an exception for them#when….. my whole job…….. is to explain the corporate policies to ppl……..#I also like when they tell me I need to go tell corporate to change it because they don’t like it#like man you think they’re gonna listen to ME?#they’re more likely to gaf if you called rather than me (not that that would change it either but the point stands)#and they never like that answer either#I think I’ve had only one or two ppl a day#when I calmly and politely explain they can’t do this thing because of policy go ‘oh okay that’s fine’ and then move on#literally everyone else has thrown a fucking fit about it#and I know it’s cuz it’s so close to Christmas and ppl are feeling entitled#but honestly that pissed me off more#like SUPPOSEDLY this is a season of kindness and generosity and good will#but sure yeah let’s screech and scream at and threaten the retail workers cuz they told you know about something#I’m not surprised these are fucking Americans during the holiday season after all#but oh. my god.#it’s tiring and I want a day off#but I don’t get one until Christmas Eve and that’s when I’ll be at my mom’s FOR Christmas#so it’s not really even a day off#sigh. it’s fine#I’m just annoyed and kinda tired#kaz rambles
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Sometimes I get stuck on an idea/fear, and for like a few weeks give or take it fucking haunts me
It’s not like a constant thing im constantly thinking about, but it fucking attacks me at random.
Like- recently it’s been me getting pregnant. I’m an afab lesbian who pulls 0(zero) bitches. There’s not a single opportunity for me to get pregnant unless something illegal is going on- and even then I rarely leave the house or talk to people or put myself in a situation where that would even be a risk at all. There’s absolutely no way for me to get pregnant unless god himself decides to do me Mary Style (I’m not religious this is a joke)
But for some reason I can’t stop thinking about what I’d do if I were to get pregnant (which is to get rid of the baby at any means necessary, I can’t stand children and I’d be a horrible parent) I’m having nightmares about this, randomly it attacks my brain and I can’t stop thinking about it-
I’ve got no clue what’s going on here, last time something like this happened was like last year(?) and it was falling down the stairs or over the railing. I couldn’t walk down the stairs without clinging to the wall, and even then I felt like I’d fall.
This just fucking happens sometimes. Some random specific fear haunts me for a little bit then I forget about it and I’m fine.
#seriously yall idk what to do about this#I’m out here like ‘I don’t think I could financially or emotionally support a child’ stressing about it like it’s an actual thing to#worry about#babe you’re lesbian#I’m not sure I’ve even heard of a man before#what are men?#No fucking way I’m getting pregnant#ugh#robin is over sharing on tumblr again#I don’t know what’s wrong with me#but somethings going on man#I’m having dreams about arguing with doctors#I’m pro abortion by the way#seriously I’d be a horrible parent#I’m not joking when I say it would be kinder to shoot the baby then force me to raise them#I’m so against using violence on children#which is why I shouldn’t have kids#cause I’m punch that little fucker the second it opened its mouth#im gonna post this on one of my side blogs actually#this feels more tmi than my other vents#perhaps I’m just uncomfy about talking about pregnancy#vent#anxiety#agh#tags :(#venting#personal rant
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#man this isnt the worst i’ve ever felt or the loneliest i’ve ever been or the most scared i’ve been#but this is the loneliest i’ve felt in ten years and everything else has just stacked higher and higher into mountains of shit#and i’ve gotten better at handling it. a lot fucking better. but this is so fucking hard without the support that i intricately weaved and#maintained for the sake of my own fucking survival. but i got too comfortable and#idk im just scared of what comes next. i feel like i’ve burned everything that could’ve been anything and so now I just hope I can find#something new that I hope I fucking won’t destroy. idk i don’t think i’m the one destroying these relationships though. i know i’m#destroying myself and my own life but i dont think the relationships were my fault dude. i’ll go to the fucking moon and back for someone#i care about. i just can’t do that for myself. but i try and i try and i try for the people i love. and it seems like it doesn’t do shit.#i have no control. i dont even need control but i need to be a part of the fucking equation. i can’t just be a punching bag for fucks sake.#but it’s too much the second i’m anything but.#thank fucking goodness for the friends that i can really rely upon…god i just wish there were someone in the right time and place to help me#fuck. ugh whatever man. i just need to fix my shit and live my own life. this isnt the loneliest i’ve ever been and i can’t use friends as#a crutch#okay im done now. dont read this btw im really weird rn and just needed to type
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