#like one it’s way busier than normal cuz Christmas

[lesbiansanemi]

Uuggghhhh I don’t wanna go to work today

[vio1315]

Mmmm aa, life update I guess

So I quit my job. Last day is on the 24th cuz I wanted to stick around for them for the rest of the holiday season

A lot has basically gone on and I forget how much I have or haven’t said about it, but basically the issue of being shortstaffed is too great

I want less hours because I physically and mentally can’t be doing near full time for this long, but it’s just not possible

I think I mentioned before but we are having the busiest Christmas season, I’d say busier than last year, but two of our registers are broken and one is considered too close to the line to use for social distancing, so we only have 5 operational registers and that’s when we even have enough staff to run those. The wait time in line is like an hour and a half consistently this last week and def for each weekend, employment is like a revolving door because despite being very difficult because of all this we only pay like 10 an hour when businesses next to us do 13-15 an hour

And this is because (likely) while it is a stingy place we also lose thousands of dollars a month (likely tens of thousands) to blatant theft, and we only have 1 loss prevention worker and he’s heavily restricted in what he can do (though he works extremely hard so they better treat him well)

And everything is such a mess, we don’t even have anymore bags, basically We were out of normal bags first, and we just ran out of our super large ones, meaning all that’s left for the foreseeable future is bags meant for 1-2 shirts or similar small items

This is not an uncommon occurrence

We sometimes are out of vital things like that for a month or more

One of the CSS who quit and went to a grocery that pays 15 an hour said they are properly staffed and they don’t get near as busy as us and when they ran out of bags everyone was shocked because it never happens there

And honestly I can handle all this, but not at full time. I can’t do full time work, I can not

People at my work do not understand this it seems

My manager wanted to encourage me because when I tried to express the guilt I feel about not doing enough, as in, not coming in as much as I’m needed, she only said I never seem disabled/handicapped at all because my work is so good etc

But that’s not at all the point. It’s not that I feel this is making my work worse (though it is a little in terms of I’m less patient/kind than I want to be) but that when I go home I am basically paralyzed. I am too tired to even play videogames after I work a shift, I just do nothing. It’s only on days off I can get anything done, and even then I can’t if I have had a bunch of 8 hour shifts prior. I want some semblance of living and working on personal things again.

And last year I did their near 40 hour shifts (which this year I was scheduled for 40 hours on a week actually) because I could say ‘it will be over in January and my hours will go down’ and it did a little bit, but this year I can’t say that. We are so understaffed my hours will never go down.

When I said I was quitting they asked what they could do to change my mind, and I gave them the number of hours I was gonna seek out elsewhere, and still I was scheduled 6 and 8 hours over that in the following weeks

They simply can’t do what I need

And even then I considered staying all the way up to like a week ago when I started having intensive nervous breaks during work which I was able to hold out on until I got home and just had all kinds of mental trouble. My nerves are so frayed I can physically feel it, like in a literal way

And my last job I ignored this type of stuff until when I finally lost that job I couldn’t look for work for /8 months/. I can’t push myself that far again

And yet the guilt I feel is extreme. I have had grief and anguish at even just seeing my manager flash a sad face for like 1 second at hearing I was indeed leaving, I was like nearly crying at my station. Knowing that I am directly making things harder for others and letting them down is so extremely hurtful to me, and I even really had enjoyed being at a point where I’m very skilled in my work, but somehow it’s not enough. I just don’t get any satisfaction from it, none of the things I like feel impactful at all anymore, but small annoyances suddenly feel much bigger. And I am definitely less kind and patient towards customers than I used to be.

Retail is where I learned how to have considerably more empathy, it’s where I learned to talk to people, it’s where I learned to stop feeling like everyone was watching me for any little mistake to use against me. It’s where I learned to trust people to just see me as some random person and enjoy our brief exchange and know we would both forget it.  And so reaching a point where I don’t show my customers much care or kindness or feel good very often about helping them to me is kinda significant, and I don’t want to go down that path

So that’s an update. Idk where I’m going next, I just hope a smaller store or something. I am gonna wait a week or two, already cleared with my parents they’re okay with it, and then see if I can get in somewhere for the hours I want. Idk what it’s gonna be like when it’s finally done. I know that usually after stuff like this it feels worse for awhile as you don’t have to hold it together anymore, so we’ll see how it is I guess I don’t even have to write these updates, I just like to, idk. It’s more info than anyone needs but like it’s there