#my goal is to make that video essay I’ve had in my brain for years and make Insomniac feel so seen that they gift me something.

[myhyperfixationisback]

hey. what the fuck is up with Ratchet and Clank merch

[dailyadventureprompts]

Drafting an Adventure:5 Lessons on Inspiration and Creativity

Friend of the blog @kwantumphysix was asking about where I get my inspiration from and how they could improve their own creativity, so rather than overload them with all my stray ideas on the subject, I decided to make it into a post. 

If you took a look at my notebooks from even a couple years ago, you’d find pages and pages of absolute tripe. I was squeezing my brain has hard as I could in an attempt to come up with something brilliant, and all I was getting in return was cheap imitations of whatever media I happened to be consuming at the time. I hadn’t yet learned the lessons I’ve had to learn to write on this blog every day, and you can see that in my earliest work: My posts are scattered, rambling, and super infrequent because I was approaching my creative ability all wrong, treating it like a revivor and not a muscle to be trained.  

Just like any other form of art, creativity itself is a skill you can build with practice.  I started at the wrong end of this, expecting whole novels, campaigns, adventures, characters etcetera to be pulled  form my head fully formed by nothing but the engine of my brilliance. Instead you start small: a default fantasy adventure town, a writing prompt, a single image that calls to you ( like I do with my blog). You do your best to add detail and character, to it, and when you feel that creative fire leave you... you drop it and move on to the next prompt. Doing this repeatedly as a creative writing excersize is going to train your brain to write well the same way a workout trains your reflexes. You’re going to be sloppy as hell at first, but we’re not testing you on your first products, we’re working towards making you better at making them, which means our goal is way off in the future. 

Build your back catalog. You’re going to get this advice from a lot of sources: “ Good artists steal” but the actual technique of purloining inspiration is not always that well detailed.  What you’re trying to do is build a reference library of tropes, themes, character quirks, plot developments, setting flourishes, anything you think might be memorable. These snippets of thought become the equivalent of story-legos, able to be arranged into whatever shape you need, reused infinitely in different configurations. Listen to history podcasts, watch bad fantasy tv series, go on a webcomic binge. The more diverse and granular your collection of story lego, the more quickly you’ll be able to find just the right piece to enrich your current project. 

To Make good stuff, you must first understand why stuff is good. We all encounter bad media in our time, but not all of us develop the critical eye necessary to understand WHY it’s bad. I can’t tell you how much youtube video essay critiques have helped my writing, as they opened my eyes to the idea that most flaws with media are purely systematic, and that every bad movie/videogame/book COULD live up to our expectations if only the creators behind them understood. Use this knowledge to self edit, get inspiration from your fix-it-fics and headcanons. If it’d improve the base property, it’s probably good enough to be its own story. 

Get Organized. If you’re going to be creative, you need external storage devices and filing systems. You can’t hold all these ideas in your head at once, because sometimes something random you thought about YEARS ago is going to be the missing ingredient and not finding it is going to drive you up a wall. I always have a journal within arms’ reach of me, I have google docs and pinterest boards and nearly 6000 drafts in my drafts folder. I give my good ideas cool names so I can remember them with just a note ( which is how I got so good at naming all the prompts on my blog). 

Synchronicity. Doing all of this work is going to build up a massive pile of half formed ideas. Far more than you’ll ever actually use. Then, at some point in the future, perhaps years later, just when you’re struggling to add more detail to your current project, it’ll hit you: that thing you thought of years ago, it will almost perfectly fit with the thing you’re working on now. Sure you’ll have to smooth over the edges but it was almost like you were building that all along. Nothing is wasted so long as you can use it to improve something later down the line. This is how most of my campaign ideas come to me: multiple ideas from across previous weeks/months suddenly slotting together like a megazord and taking on a configuration I never originally intended.  

I hope that helps friends, it took me AGES to figure out these lessons, as most of what’s out there for beginning writers is basic as bones. If you have any more questions about these techniques, or want to have me troubleshoot your own writing, please write in!

[isthatbloodonhisshirt]

(This will probably be a 3-4 part ask, fyi) So I skimmed through Alpha Beta Omega when that post with the photoset popped up, mainly to remember if I've read it before. (I have a lot of opinions on the actions and stuff in that, and that's definitely a fic I can never re-read, but that's not what this ask is mainly about). But anyway: how soon after the video incident did Scott meet & become friends with Stiles? I can't imagine he would know what was happening and not mention it or say (1/3?)

anything, even if they were only acquaintances at that point. Like Scott knew who some of the pledges were, but did he know who the "targets" were (besides his own)? Because maybe I just read way too many 'true alpha' style fics but I can't imagine him not trying to warn people. (But then again I'm also basing some of this off of my college experience, which was a tiny campus (<2000 students) so warning people is probably easier said than done when you add a huge campus & class size) (2/3?) Also, no rush on getting back to my messages. I know you didn't actually say names with that comment but I'll out myself as one of them. I know I'm bad about sending literal essays sometimes (and then adding more later)   . I know I've told you but one of my best friends also doesn't always have enough spoons to actually respond to me with words, so sometimes our messages are only gifs & memes for weeks. But I still love you both just as much no matter how frequently or what style we talk with ❤

Okay listen. Listen. I can’t remember what I had for dinner yesterday, and I almost always eat the same thing (creature of habit + cheap + lazy) and you’re asking me to remember a fic I wrote when I just started in the TW fandom |D LOL I barely remember any of the fics in the Sterek New Year’s Extravaganza except the ones people seem to always bring up (Quickest Way to a Man’s heart, Not so Beauty, It’s Happening, Your Pain is my Pain, etc.). 

All I really remember from Alpha Beta Omega is that the prompt requirement for that day was Fraternities and I know exactly 0% about frats because 1) Girl, 2) Canadian, and 3) Not involved whatsoever with Greek row at my uni. Like, I’m 80% sure we had frats and sororities at my university --  I just Googled it, we did -- but I know nothing about any of that outside of movies |D AND MOVIES ALWAYS MAKE FRATS SEEM LIKE TRASH!!! So I had to go with what I knew (and sadly if I recall from the comments, a lot of people said most frats are like that. Not all! But most, which is depressing tbh). 

Anyway, in answer to your question remembering like, basically nothing about this fic, I would assume Scott and Stiles didn’t meet until way later. Scott definitely would’ve told Stiles about everything with Derek considering I’m pretty sure (if memory serves) that he left the frat specifically because it was trash and... he fell for his target right? It was Allison or something I think? I DON’T REMEMBER OKAY LOL. But yeah, Scott would’ve 100% told Stiles about the whole thing so they would’ve met after Scott had already left and Derek had already done his part. 

There’s a lot of fics in that entire series I’m honestly not super happy with because again, that was when I first started, didn’t really have a handle on the characters, and a lot of the prompts were things I would never write (frats being one of them, another being the friends with benefits, crossovers, etc.). On top of that, I rushed like, basically all of them because I was trying to get a fic out a day and some of them are LONG |D (I legit remember writing Not So Beauty on the fucking bus on my way home from work for a week because it was the only time I had to write it, and my brain was like “IMAGINE HOW GOOD THIS COULDA BEEN WITH YOUR COMPUTER!” because I defo cut corners. And we’re not gonna talk about the Human prompt because I hate that one and legit wrote it the same day it went up. Mistakes were made during that event, I am not proud, but you learn and grow from things, right? |D 

Anyway, not what we were talking about. Yes, Scott would’ve told him. 

And thank you ;~; AND SORRY! I just... need to do it. I keep watching the number go up and instead of doing something about it, I just hide from it |D But I know some people probably think I’m a bitch for not replying to them, or think I’ve like, idk, died? I WILL REPLY THOUGH! Maybe I should give myself a goal of like, 10 messages per week minimum or something |D I’LL REPLY TO YOU SOON THOUGH I PROMISE FORGIVE ME!!!!! <3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3 

[ja-nasam]

Humans of Manila: Lockdown Confessions Untold

July 11, 2021

It was a Sunday. My friends and I planned to travel around Manila for a photowalk. Well, it’s something that I’m looking forward to because I’ve been stuck at home for more than a year. But with that said, it’s also been a year of stagnation for me unfortunately. I’ve been having a hard time adjusting to the changes this pandemic has caused. And it came to a point where I watched myself slowly drowning into the depths of unproductivity. It’s hard to admit that I lost passion in a lot of things, and that includes photography. I used to excel in my Digital Imaging class when I was a freshman. It excites me whenever we are tasked to cover different events, make photo essays and the like. I had the shiniest wheels, now they’re rusting. Am I still good enough? Can I really do this? Am I doing it right? But all those thoughts aside, the only goal I had in mind that day was to finish it.

Along the overthinking spiral of self-doubt comes a wink of hope. I found myself glancing through the jeepney window. It’s kinda refreshing to see different faces again, with different walks of life. It gave me a feeling of exhilaration as I opened doors of curiosity. Several ounces of my creative juices sprinkled my droughted brain. I was kinda lost in my imagination of where could I take inspirations from until I had that one light bulb moment.

What I’ve envisioned is similar to Humans of New York by photographer Brandon Stanton, which is a photoblog and book of street portraits and interviews collected on the streets of New York City. Truth be told, at some point I thought it might sound too ambitious knowing its quality and popularity. Also, my social anxiety won’t let me easily talk to other people. But what’s more to life if we don’t take risks and challenges, right? After all, I’m not here to tell my story, I’m here to amplify voices of the unheard.

Food stalls in Intramuros, Manila remain closed amid community quarantine restrictions.

“Anong kwentong lockdown mo?”

“Alam niyo ba, ghost town ang Intramuros nung unang putok ng COVID? Sa more than 20 years kong nagtitinda ng sorbetes ngayon lang talaga ‘to nangyari. Syempre, natigil ako sa pagtitinda nang ilang buwan at saktuhan lang naman ‘yung kita kaya wala kaming naipon. Kinukuha rin akong clown sa mga children’s party pero simula nung lockdown wala na rin. Pero syempre hindi naman porke gano’n ang nangyari eh titigil ka na talaga. Paano ‘yung asawa’t anak ko? Buti naman eh medyo bumalik na sa normal, at nakakapagsimba na ulit sa Manila Cathedral. Minsan nagto-tour guide din ako pero ngayon gaya nito kapag may mga bumibili at nagtatanong tungkol sa history, nagbibigay ako ng mga trivia.”

“Alam niyo ba na saka lang nakipagbati ang Kastila sa Pilipinas nung nakausap nila si Chito Miranda?”

“Kasi nasa kanya lang pala yung hinahanap nila. Yung parokya… Parokya ni Edgar.”

“Nang dahil sa COVID, napilitan akong manglimos sa kalsada. 84 years old na ‘ko at wala nang tumatanggap sa’kin kapag sinusubukan kong makiusap na magtrabaho. Yung mga apo ko, sa’kin iniwan ng mga anak ko kaya heto, nagbabaka-sakaling may maiuuwi para mamayang hapunan. Dati kahit papaano nakakaraos kasi nagdi-dispatcher ako sa mga jeep pero natigil nung lockdown at ‘di na rin ako pinabalik. Sa tanang buhay ko napakarami ko nang napagdaanan na trabaho. Nagtuturo ako ng driving dati sa Arellano, naging auto mekaniko, truck driver, pero pinakamatagal ako sa pagta-taxi driver. Awa ng Diyos, malakas pa naman ako at walang sakit. Sana’y wag niya muna akong kunin dahil kailangan pa ‘ko ng mga apo ko.”

Church-goers in queue as Quiapo maintains strict safety protocols.

“Dalaga pa lang ako nagtitinda na ‘ko dito sa Quiapo. Ilang presidente na pinagdaanan ko, nagkaasawa’t pamilya, mga apo, dito na ‘ko tumanda sa Quiapo. Buong buhay ko ngayon ngayon lang talaga nagkaganito, matindi talaga ‘yang COVID na ‘yan. Dati hindi mawalan ng tao ang Quiapo pero nung unang lockdown hindi mo aakalain na nasa Quiapo ka. Ayaw na nga sana ‘kong pabalikin ng mga anak ko, kung baga sideline ko na lang naman ‘to dahil napagtapos na namin sila ng asawa ko. Pero ayokong nakatambay lang sa bahay, syempre buong buhay ko nagtitinda ako ng sampaguita dito kaya hahanap-hanapin ko na talaga. Sayang din ang kita dahil marami nang nagsisimba ulit, at panata ko na rin ito sa Diyos Poong Nazareno dahil hindi niya kami pinababayaan.”

POV: You’re in Teresa, Sta. Mesa, Manila.

“Super struggle ngayon, kasi hindi naman lahat stable. Kung baga, lahat naman siguro, ‘no? Lalo na sa’min, tenant lang kami dito tapos yung renta namin for the month, ‘yun talaga hinahabol namin. Pero minsan hindi namin nare-reach ‘yon kaya mahirap. Yung sales at income namin, bumaba talaga. Hindi lang 50%, mas mababa pa roon. Kasi ang expected namin, mga kalahati lang ng gross income namin ang male-less. Pero mas bumaba pa talaga. Mga October na ulit kami nakapagsimula. Buti ngayon eh medyo maluwag na, nahahabol na namin kahit papaano ‘yung target pero hindi pa rin gano’n kalaki. Sobrang nami-miss ko na ‘yung mga estudyante, ‘yung mga suki ko kapag uwian dumadaan sila dito kasi bibili sila ng mga meryenda, sakin sila bibili ng panulak. Kaya mas maganda talaga kung may face to face classes na pero mukhang malabo pa dahil mataas pa rin cases ng COVID at mabagal yung pagbabakuna.”

“Heto, sa awa naman ng Diyos, medyo nakakaraos din. Pero sa pagto-trolley, wala na mahirap na, hindi na talaga kagaya ng dati. Sobrang crisis talaga, lalo na nung nag-lockdown at walang pasok sa PUP. Pag-uwi ko sa trabaho ng alas kwatro, ito nagto-trolley para doble income bukod sa pagse-security guard. Sa umaga, swerte nang makadalawang balik ng trolley pero apat apat lang. Sa hapon naman, swerte nang makaisang punuan pero hindi na makakabalik pa ng isa kasi syempre matutulog pa ko. Minsan nga nagkakasakit na ‘ko sa sobrang pagod, ‘di ko alam kung COVID na ba ‘yon o hindi naman siguro. Pero kailangan ko talagang magdoble kayod para may maipadala ako sa anak ko. Tagal ko na ring hindi umuuwi ng probinsya sa Tacloban dahil nga sa pandemic. Sana matapos na talaga ‘tong COVID, dapat sumunod sa mga protocol para lumuwag na ang sitwasyon.”

Warm orange hues of the sun falls behind the horizon as the dusk awaits the dark. I guess, it’s a sign to call it a day. Funny how I started this journey completely clueless, just thinking of finishing the task. Then it became ‘let’s see how far I can take this’ kind of thing. And as I was waiting a ride home, I had this fulfillment that I haven’t felt in a while. It’s like witnessing myself, rising from the ashes that this pandemic has turned me into. It feels great to be finally back, and be able to do my passion.

To read articles is one thing. Watching documentaries is another. But to actually go places, find people to interview, listen to their narratives, and somehow immerse to their environment even for a short period of time really makes an impact on perspectives regarding different issues, society, and life in general. There’s a lot more going on than the news you read, videos you share online, and what you hear nearby. I was fortunate enough to meet these individuals, hear what they have to say, and give them a platform.

“We are all in the same ocean, but never in the same boat.”

—is a realization I already had since the beginning of community quarantine, but it was truly emphasized and manifested as I roamed the busy streets of Manila. Others are even on their yachts, living their lives in full luxury. While the rest of the population are just floating around, with fervent faith and prayers, trying their best not to be carried away by the strong current. These people need help more than what we think.

While this pandemic has proved how unprepared, and self-serving the government is, I’m still hoping they’ll take our situation more seriously, have feasible and long-term solutions that could help everyone, specially those who are marginalized. But rather than just merely hoping, in a vibrant democracy, journalism and media have the power and responsibility to both inform and inspire the public to political action. And through this, I believe, we could start a positive change not only for the humans of Manila, but the rest of the Filipino nation.

And after all,

“The job of the newspaper is to comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable.”

- Finley Peter Dunne

[flodaya]

What’s your method to study? I’m assuming you do or maybe I remember wrong. Personally I’ve never had any problems in my studies but in the past year it’s like my brain has changed; I can’t find the will to sit myself and study, and when I get there I don’t remember the things I should even after hours (and days) of studying. It’s beginning to affect my studies and I can’t stop thinking about it. Sorry to bother you with this, and sorry if it’s all a bit confusing, it all gets a bit confusing when I think too much about it. Anyway thanks for being here on tumblr, reading your thoughts is always nice! 💕

so fun story, I was studying at college for 1 semester during the pandemic and I struggled a lot just like you. and i totally relate to you, studying has never been hard for me but during the lockdown I really couldn’t do anything for the longest time. I ended up writing only one of the three required essays so I didn’t pass most of my courses, neither did I enjoy college bc it was exclusively online and I felt lonely and exhausted so I ended up quitting

but instead I’m going back to school next year and I need to revise lots of school subjects to get back on track since it’s been like 3 years since I’ve technically finished school. so I do have a few tips that help me

I need a clean desk to study so I try to stay organized (I’m naturally super messy lol but it really makes all the difference for me)

keep a daily routine, not just for studying but also for meals/shower/workout/hobbies/etc

I give myself goals for each day and write them down

I try to make the goals as small as possible, eg instead of trying to get through one whole chapter per day I say I will study 30 minutes in the morning and 30 minutes in the afternoon, I often end up studying longer but that way starting my goal doesn’t seem as daunting

I reward myself whenever I have finished a *bigger* goal, nothing big just small rewards, that way my brain stays motivated

sometimes when I notice my motivation slipping I will call my mom just so she stays silently on the phone so I don’t *accidentally* start watching Netflix

I drink lots of water while studying but no food, that distracts me

I either need background noise or absolute silence, it really depends on my mood but I try to go with whatever feels right; I know it sounds weird but sometimes I just turn on a random youtube video on low volume and that helps me concentrate

I hope this was a little helpful, just know that a lot of ppl are struggling right now, you’re not alone, this pandemic definitely isn’t ideal for students and it sucks how no one really cares how much we are suffering under these conditions

and you’re not bothering me at all 💞 I’m happy to help

[detectivenyx]

2020 in review

so i debated on making this a video or keeping it to my tumblr posts, but one thing i do every year that all of these new folks might not know is i always review my year and set a few goals for the next. i might not always remember them, but i tend to usually achieve at least one. these were set at the end of 2019. so before we discuss the year, let’s look at the goals!

Grow my YouTube channel to 2.5k subscribers -  honestly, even then, 2.5k subscribers sounded completely amazing. now i have 24k subscribers and my channel grows about 2000 subscribers per month - this goal honestly feels like so long ago. i’ve more than exceeded it, and if you told me a year ago that i’d have 24k subscribers by the end of the year, i’d have probably gone into shock. i’d love to thank everyone who helped this happen and has supported my channel! 

Find a job - i am with a job network, but honestly? finding actual work is not being kind to me. my qualifications are hard to find listings for, and entry-level jobs have requirements i can’t meet. but i did graduate and get my degree - a Bachelor of Creative Industries!

Keep growing my hair out - well, i did keep growing my hair, but i also cut bangs into it? i like my current style of half-half hair with pink on one side, but i think i’m also just into half-half in general. i bought a few wigs that match that style and im considering changing the colours up, but i know that’s not a good idea from a channel mascot perspective...

Get more exercise - unfortunately this didn’t wind up happening and im pretty sure i gained a lot of weight over the course of the quarantine. i’m planning to go to the pool more during the weekdays (possibly to the indoor pool so i don’t risk getting sunburned), but yea lol. 

Try to network more - I have met many amazing people through the course of my channel this year. Some inexplicably less popular than I am despite having much better content than I do (examples include Wince Media, DanganChia, Nuc004, Psypii, just to name a few). I’m still usually the one that has to be approached, but i’ve actually managed to approach a couple of other Dangantubers - with any luck I’ll have a video with some of us out soon! (though not a very good one unfortunately since my dumb ass failed to sound test before recording)

Visit my partner - ... well, it’s self-explanatory why this one didn’t happen. 

Complete at least 3 video essays - it’s wild seeing the description for this one in 2019 - an extremely good premiere was 10 people and 500 views in the first hour. nowadays, if that’s how my video performs, it’s a total failure. but, i definitely completed this one; i managed five further essays! i think if i did my best to push myself, i could work at a much better pace and get out 7-10 a year out!

it’s... so strange seeing the hopes of 2020 being a good year. so much happening in such a short period of time resulted in a lot of things happening, both internally and externally. 

i’ll list off the notable things. i’ve kind of come to terms with it, and i’ve decided making the information public is the best way to genuinely drop it behind me. no year seems to go by without a toxic relationship of mine finally ending; this year, it was my mother. and again, it’s only once you step away that you see just how toxic they were. 

[CW: PEDOPHILIA, GROOMING, INCEST]

my mother had long been grooming me - she had an abusive uncle, and she clearly unfortunately didn’t break the cycle, even after suffering a traumatic brain injury that left her severely physically disabled. while my dad would often say “please don’t leave the house like that” (dressed in shorter skirts because i found them comfortable), my mother would encourage it and say i looked sexy/hot/etc, often emphasising it and ensuring i heard what she said. she would also give these comments unwarranted and kept giving them even when i was clearly uncomfortable with them, but i had to learn from others that these comments weren’t acceptable. there’s more to the situation, but that ruins family confidentiality. just know she’s out of our lives now, and i hope she stays that way.

(END CW) 

another notable thing that i learned this year is more about myself, and one i even debated posting about. inevitably, people are going to ask questions about it. because it’s something supposedly rare and ‘interesting’, they tend to forget that i’m a human being and that all these questions treating me like an exhibit tend to be exhausting and dehumanising. but i believe in transparency, and i also don’t owe anybody an explanation or answers to their questions, especially when they’re so easily googled.

i don’t know if it’s a bunch of tulpas i created in order to compartmentalise my traumas and behaviours, or if it’s a legitimate set of dissociative identities - but there’s a decent probability i have Otherwise Specified Dissociative Disorder (OSDD), specifically 1b (no gaps in memory - essentially like multiple people sharing the same consciousness). 

i’m still trying to understand it myself; i’ve only known about it for two and a half months. OSDD would explain my horrible memory (even if i have no explicit ‘gaps’), unstable personality, and why it feels like i have multiple entities within my consciousness. the lack of knowledge and experience i have is why i request no questions beyond “who’s in the system” - i’ve only known about it for two months and i barely have a grasp on it myself. at the moment i’m aware of about 21 alters, including Aeris (me), and I am still the main personality or the ‘host’, but about four or five have been gaining stronger influence, too. most alters based themselves on danganronpa characters (or at least took their names), but i suspect that’s for easier communication with me, and i also suspect this’ll change in future. i’m actually mostly relieved to know about this; it helps me feel better about having an unstable personality. i’m gonna make a similar post to this on youtube.

in 2020, another thing that happened was finally taking the plunge and getting into lolita fashion; i’d long been on the outside looking in and have almost bought terrible replica dresses off ebay to take a shot at it. i’m glad i learned not to do that and instead recognised the value of buying official dresses. i can’t wear any rn because it’s Too Hot, but once the weather cools down i’d be excited to show some coords! 

and i guess the Big Thing is, this year was finally the one where i took off in the DR community. people noticed my content and i’ve built up a fanbase - one that while parts of it annoy me (eg. the parts that just yell “THERE’S NO EVIDENCE” whenever i say i see a character as queer), overall, i wouldn’t trade such an amazing fanbase for anything. the people who are wonderful are some of the best human beings on the planet, and I’m overjoyed to have that kind of person in my fanbase. i’m immensely grateful to have such amazing fans, and to have met people whose videos i’ve long enjoyed, too. It’s been an amazing year in that regard. 

that concludes our year’s roundup - i’ll post my goals for 2021 shortly! 

[theda-rison]

Camp Nano July 2020 - Results, Discussion, and Conclusion

the Like, wow, Scoob! 

Camp Nano July 2020 is done, and here are some thoughts:

I always knew that writing a comic script was going to be a learning experience - I’ve never written a comic script so it really couldn’t be anything except for a learning experience - but hoooooo boy, was it ever!

Before starting I couldn’t find anything on how long comic scripts normally are; I don’t know why, that just seems information that isn’t really shared? (If anyone knows of a resource, please send it to me!) I’m guessing it has a lot to do with there just being less comic writers than there are say, book writers and movie writers. That’s probably what happens when your interests are niche in some way, it’s just harder to find anything about them.

FORTUNATELY, I have the fancy library-bound volumes of The Sandman, and there’s excerpts of the scripts in the back. Which like… thank you @neil-gaiman​, or whoever made that decision, because being able to look at an actual script and see how it’s formatted and what’s included has been the biggest help. Even the “How to Write a Comic Script!” videos I found on YouTube didn’t have example scripts which... I don’t know, I don’t get it. Please include examples, comic YouTubers. I am confusion.

Now is the time for a sexy graph, because we are the kind of people who keep Excel spreadsheets of word counts and make graphs for fun.

Anyway, let’s look at…

[Good. I was listening to As The World Falls Down by David Bowie over and over, and now this is stuck in my head again. I don’t know why I do these things to myself. Also, I love Peter Tork’s face during some of the “AAAHHHH”s lol]

I can’t remember if I stated this before or during Camp at any point, but my goal was 60k words. I dislike aspiring for un-round numbers like “1667″ every day. Any number I could possibly pick is arbitrary, but for some reason the classic Nanowrimo number of 1667 seems even more arbitrary. “2000″ is a much better number. And, I can generally write 2000 words in two hours before running out of steam, so it works out well. It also divides better.

Having said that, you might be thinking, “Theda, the end Actual number on your graph is a lot closer to 90k than it is 60k,” and you would be right, good eyes. Were I Brandon Sanderson and you were one of my students, I would toss you a gummi bear. As it is, you’re not my student and I have no gummi bears and I’m not even Brandon Sanderson… so life is just upsetting I guess.

[But I am back to listening to As The World Falls Down, so I suppose it all works out.]

Back to the graph: The Actual. Look at this wavy-fucking-scalloped-fucking progression. Look at it. I can’t tell if it makes me happy or angry or what, but I know it gives me some kind of feeling. I think I like it from a purely aesthetic point of view, but from the point of the view of the person who made it, it annoys me.

I had a couple of days where I - in my infinite stupidity - didn’t really elaborate on what was supposed to happen in some of the scenes in my scene list and so I spent my “Writing!” time (as it’s labeled in my planner) not writing, but looking at the page cursing myself for not having written any directions for me, a directionless person.

You may also notice that the Goal bars suddenly jump up on the 24th day,. That’s because - in my infinite wisdom - I redid my goals after reaching 60k. It just makes more sense to me to be like, “Well, I punched that goal in the face. Let’s try and go WAY overboard,” because I have the Too Much gene and as Henry Rollins says: “Don't do anything by half. If you love someone, love them with all your soul. When you go to work, work your ass off. When you hate someone, hate them until it hurts.” I wouldn’t say that’s a personal philosophy so much as a Thing I Am Compelled To Do Or I Will Die.

But that’s just me.

As for the trend line, I prefer it looking more steep because that’s way more gratifying, but that’s what I get for writing parts of my scene list like, “That’s okay, Future Me will take care of it!” Past Me, you are a dick and you need to stop doing these things. You are a bastard.

Now for the table! 

[I’m sorry if that’s very small.]

And this time I’m showing you the actual table I use to write down my words. Complicated? Yes. Sexy? Very yes. A little annoying? Also yes. Do we get a little worried that she works too hard and refuses to take a vacation? We do, but we also know that she does it because she loves her work, and we love and support her and bring her snacks throughout the workday to keep her going. What a great table.

First of all: Yes, my first writing block is at 4am. It’s because I have a day job and if I write from 4-6 I can use my brain right when it’s freshly slumbered instead of using it for nonsense at work all day and being unable to write and aggravated because my mental capacity is nil and I no longer know what words are. In an ideal world I would be able to write all day but, here we are.

You might notice there’s a lot of 0’s in the 4am block, especially in the fourth week, and that’s more so because - in my infinite infiniteness (infinity?) - I am secretly an ice giant (but like, smaller) and it’s summer and the northern hemisphere is Too Hot and I literally will not be able to sleep at night until about December. Until then, I am forced to understand what it’s like to be a jacket potato for half of the year so I can empathize with their starchy pain because this is, for whatever reason, Important.

It me. (Recipe)

Anyway,

My record day was 7519 on the 10th, which is just sexy and fun and cool and everything we want, and my lowest was a big fat 0 on the 16th.

I felt super motivated for reasons I don’t remember on the 10th. This is because I didn’t have my planner yet and was not keeping notes anywhere else at that time. (It’s an undated Daily Passion Planner, in case you’re also a slut for planners and wish to know ;) ). I think I was trying to do a 10k day just for funzies? Which, technically, at 2k words in 2 hours I should be able to do 10k in 5, but cell phones exist (and are too distracting), and until I shed my corporeal form I still have to do things like “make food and eat it,” and “get up to pee,” and “experience all the vagaries and horrors of human existence.” I’m hoping it clears up soon. 

The 16th was the day that Future Me took Past Me by the hand and said, “My good bitch, you need to stop doing that thing where you leave shit for me because you run out of motivation or executive function or whatever the fuck is happening where you decide you don’t want to do something anymore, seemingly at random. You deciding to leave school before the day even started because you were bored may have been cute when you were a kid - and also annoying for everyone around you, and just alarming that time they had to pry your hands off the door molding as you held on to it and screamed - but as an adult you are both the cause of and the person who has to deal with this bullshit, and you need to stop.”

On the 16th I went to the Shrine of the Self (sorry, I’ve been reading a lot of manga lately) and made an offering for forgiveness, and then hunkered down and added a TON of notes and partially written scenes to my scene list. You can see how much that helped; it’s almost like having direction is actually useful, lol.

BUT, despite all that direction and despite punching my goal in the face, breaking it’s glasses, and taking it’s lunch money, the script is not finished!

Here’s some math as of the 23rd:

There are 124 points in my outline On the 23rd, I had completed 44 of those points, at 363 pages or 59,601 words 124 / 44 = 2.81 Now we check: 44 * 2.81 = 123.6 (close enough) So as of the 23rd, the projection for completing the script was: 363 * 2.81 = 1,020 pages 59,601 * 2.81 = 157,479 words

Now, I don’t know what the fuck that means because I don’t really do numbers, but at the time of the 23rd it looked an awful lot like I wasn’t going to finish this Camp project. And uh… hey, that was correct.

So I’m going to be continuing Camp Nano July 2020, but also in August 2020, over about 20 more days (providing I hit my goal every day.)

So:

IF -> I need to get up to 158,000; 158,000 - 86,000 = 72,000 words need to be written. (I'm rounding the total up because I canNOT imagine this script being somehow smaller than that at this point, and I’m rounding my Camp total down because who cares about 72 words?) I divided 72,000 from a few numbers until I got a word goal I was okay with, that I think I can do, here’s that one: 72,000 / 20 days = 3,600 words a day (This would mean I can either do 2k in the morning and then 1600 later, or the reverse. You know, whatever way I feel spicy that day.) THEN -> I need to write 3,600 words a day for 20 days to (hopefully) finish this script before work picks up at the end of August.

And then I’ll chill from the end of August - October (except for maybe some short stories or essays. I have a lot of Thoughts and they need to be purged from my brain for my own good). And then I’ll use Nanowrimo Classic (November) to edit this fucker.

SO… that’s some stuff.

As I said at the beginning this endeavor was only ever going to be a learning experience. Having to write 158k words total doesn’t scare me, the longest thing I’ve written yet was something like 190k words. Trying to finish it before the end of August is the daunting part. Especially since being able to be creative right now just keeps making my brain puke out more ideas, and then there’s too many ideas and I’m just writing them all down and hopefully I can get to them later.

Anyway, good job on Camp Nano July 2020 everyone! We did it!

And if you didn’t do it: don’t worry, you’ll do it next time :D

[nihilnovisubsole]

i feel like we say this every year now, but wow, 2019 sure was a ride, wasn’t it?

sometimes i worry so much about coming off as negative that i’m not emotionally honest about my personal life. so, as much as i wish i could tell you otherwise, i’m not really ending 2019 on a high note. for several months, i’ve been working on something that’s been a shambling slog of rejection, false hope, and a lot of wasted energy. i’ll survive - i always do - but it’s still been frustrating, and it’s definitely affected my ability to work on my other projects. in fact, i’m not even going to tally up a word count for 2019. i know it’s less than 2018. nothing i can do but do better next time. many of my friends have hit huge, happy personal milestones this year - engagements, big moves, dream jobs, graduate degrees. i’m proud of every one of them, and because i’m so proud of them, i wish i had something of that magnitude to share with them, too.

[again, i say this as a joke, not to be depressing, but you know i’m in a rut because i’ve been drawing more again. when i’m happy, i write. when i write, i’m happy. when i push through my forearm injury to draw, you know there’s something i’m trying to escape from. probably the writing.]

on the other hand, i don’t want to let the gloomy second half of the year cloud the fact that i really, actually, finally, for real put a novel out. i’d built it up in my head for so long, it feels strangely ordinary to have done the one thing i’ve wanted to do since i was eight years old. because i’m... well, me, i have to remind myself that it’s a real achievement, not just the bare minimum to be an accomplished human being. i did it. i wrote it, i designed the cover, i formatted the ebook, i tweeted about it, i saw it through from start to finish and made it real. even if it hasn’t made me an overnight millionaire. even if i didn’t publish it in the way i dreamed of being published in elementary school.

it’s also a sign of how far i’ve come that i see me taking a summer break to dash off a 38,000-word fanfic as a trivial footnote. [and a very well-received one, thank you!] i remember all the afternoons i hunched over my college desk and grit my teeth about only being able to write 200 words a day. i remember how hard i worked to drag myself over the 13,000-word finish line of the fallout big bang. lord knows i remember playing repetitive video games until 4 AM, stewing in the fear that i’d never make it in the only field i want to pursue. nowadays i don’t think, apart from a chosen few, any writer “makes it” the way we think of “making it.” you never get to rest on your laurels. you always have to keep working. it’s why you have to enjoy it. even if i’m not a bestseller, i’m lucky i do.

because it’s 2019, everyone is doing retrospectives on 2009, and it’s weird for me to contemplate even existing in 2009 and 2010. for years, i’ve thought about writing a nonfiction piece about what happened back then, and something always stops me before i get it off the ground. either i cringe at my memories, or i cringe at my nonfiction writing style, or i want to wait until i’ve become some kind of outrageous success so i have something more narratively satisfying to end it with. mostly, i recoil in horror at the idea that, to really write it, i’d have to be completely open about a wretched time in my life. after a decade of facing outward on social media, i’ve become one of those stiff-upper-lip people who is intensely private about the things that actually bother me. you kill a bad thing by acting in public like it never existed. if you write a navel-gazing essay about it, you’ve made it immortal. so maybe i will. maybe i won’t.

in the meantime, i wonder if i can meet myself halfway and learn to talk about my younger self with more neutrality. i’ve spent the decade brutalizing past-me with a spiked baseball bat over my questionable grooming, or my edgy, cynical attitudes, or things i said out of jealousy or ignorant, arrogant meanness that irreversibly damaged friendships with people who didn’t deserve it. bashing your old self’s brain in doesn’t change the choices you made. it just leaves you exhausted and covered in gore and feeling gross. i always said that if i let myself forget how much it hurt, i’d slip up and make the same mistake again. but that’s not true, is it? i think now the real victory would be to let it stay in the past and not feel the obsessive urge to keep scourging myself. to paraphrase a dear friend who i don’t get to talk to enough, “everyone is already cruel to teenage girls. you don’t have to be, too.”

around the time i graduated from college, i had a premonition that it would take about a decade after 2010 to get back on my feet. i couldn’t explain why then, and i can’t now either. it’s just a feeling. by some people’s standards, i may have already done it. by other people’s - like my own - i still have a long, long way to go. which is silly, because i couldn’t even tell you what “getting back on my feet” looks like. i just know that it has been almost ten years, and i have a sense that i’m standing on one of those precipices of change where you've become sick of yourself. i’ve started feeling homesick for places i’ve never been. i’m fidgety about my writing projects. i’m not sure what i want to throw myself into next. i’d love to move to another country, which is surreal and bewildering, since i’ve spent the whole last decade wanting to move back to the home i lost. what can i do with that? i don’t know. i want things so badly, i wear myself out. i’ve always struggled to accept that sometimes you just have to wait and see.

i thought about setting new year’s goals, like “talk more about dangerous crowns,” or “publish a twine game,” or “finish another novel,” or something like that. but to be honest, i already hold myself to such ridiculous standards that pressing the boot on my back even harder feels like a bad idea. maybe 2020 is the year to work harder without trying to prescribe what should come of it. i may not know where i’m going or whether i’m on my way, but at least i know next year, i’ll have something new to report.

[celestialmystical]

The Waiting Game

As I sit here in this square room, staring out over the Han river at Incheon, with nothing but my thoughts to keep me company, I ask myself: Why did I really decide to move here to South Korea?

Why am I purposefully putting myself in such an uncomfortable situation?

I mean, leaving my friends and family and living in a country where I can barely speak the language and I don’t really know anyone?

Why would I do that to myself?

I think back to about five years ago, when I was nineteen, I came across a video on Instagram of some girl dancing. I saw there were judges and other girls like her in the back. I don’t how but I assumed from the video it was a show about making a girlband.

Intrigued, I looked up what the show was and found out it was Produce 101.

Produce 101 was a show about 101 South Korean girls auditioning to make a kpop group.

I really enjoyed the show and then became obsessed with South Korea. I listened to lots of different kpop groups as well as kr&b and watched a lot of kdrama, Flower Over Boys being my first one. I watched several videos on youtube about what it was like to live in South Korea and how I could possibly move there.

That’s how I found out that you could live in Korea for a year simply by teaching there.

At the time, it was just an idea that I could do that. I didn’t really have any goal for that to happen.

I was in my second year of college. I was in relationship with someone I thought I’d marry. What I was going to do after college was far away from my mind.

A lot has happened since I came across that video of Chungha.

I’ve experienced a lot of losses in my life in these past 5 years—friends, lovers, family, pets. Literally and figuratively.

I experienced a really dark period of my life. I constantly felt numb and disconnected from everyone and everything.

But I also experienced great growth from that difficult era of my life. I wrote a book as my healing medium.

It was a period of my life where I really learned so many things about life and myself. The biggest one of them all being the importance of loving yourself before and more than anyone else.

After college, I didn’t really know what I wanted to do. I knew I didn’t want to live back home with my parents but I had no other choice.

I got a job and met some wonderful people there. And while I had many fun, easy times working there and hanging out with my coworkers who eventually became really good friends of mine, I felt like I needed more.

Lots of people make the decision of taking more school after graduating college—like getting a Master’s, for example.

I didn’t feel like that was the right decision for me. At least, not immediately. While I really do dread the thought of going back to school and writing a bunch of essays where I have to cite people because personal opinions can’t be taken into consideration unless it’s been backed up by ‘science’ and ‘numbers’—which aren’t always accurate given the study and don’t really take into consideration the minority outside of the numbers.

Anyway, while I dread going back to school, I also don’t really know what kind of career I want to go into.

While I was with my boyfriend for two years, I thought becoming a therapist was what I wanted. Even though that had never struck any bells within my heart, I felt it was the safest and easiest route for me. I’m a great listener and advice-giver (if you’re okay with it being a little brutal)—and while the idea doesn’t repel me right now, it surely doesn’t attract me either.

At the moment, I’m kind of over being the trash can for people to dump their problems on.

I’m okay with hearing my friends problems and being there for them in whatever way they need—but to have people just blab blab blab about their problems at me all day, especially people who are narcissistic, sounds extremely draining.

I want to live and be with people who also want to live.

And I think part of living is stepping out of your comfort zone.

Initially, my interest for South Korea was because of the kpop and the kdrama and the fashion. I won’t lie.

After a while though, it morphed into wanting to do something completely out of my comfort zone where everything is new and different for me. I know living in a country that doesn’t speak my language and not many people look like me would do this.

Korea became the option not only because of the sweet deal of teaching here for a year while they give you an apartment to live in and really just help you out in general, but also because, it just called to me.

I can’t say it’s because I know this country the most because I don’t. I only know what kpop and kdrama show me which I know is like the rosiest lense possible. I can’t say it’s because it’s the only country that interests me cause that’s not true. Japan, Iceland, and Italy really interest me too.

I do really want to work with kids--but again, I could do that anywhere.

I don’t know. I just feel it in my soul that I need to be here for some reason. That I need to experience whatever it is I’m going to experience here.

It’s hard to see right now what that is or what it will be.

After coming here the first day and experiencing such a distressing time being lost, it became extremely apparent to me how difficult this was going to be.

My body is honestly so overwhelmed, that even though I want to keep studying Korean, I barely have any energy except to watch shows on my laptop, like Itaewon Class. (which is a great show, I highkey recommend.)

As someone who doesn’t really watch shows, that’s all I’ve had the energy to do. I can barely read or write (creatively, it’s different for me than doing something like this)

That and I’ve been craving food, which is really not like me either. Usually, I forget to eat. But lately, I’ve just been like, what can I stuff myself with?

I know this overwhelmed feeling comes with the fact that I’m having so much new information coming into my brain at once.

Part of it though, I think comes from the fact that I have extremely high expectations of myself.

The fact that I don’t know Korean fluently, makes me think I need to do everything in my power right now to make it so. The pressure adds to the overwhelmingness.

I think I have to be great at everything immediately.

I paradoxically feel like I need to have it all done right now but also feel that have no motivation to do it.

It’s just kind of funny to me. 

The Universe always, always reminds me to stay patient and humble.

My mom always says to me, “Rome was not built in a day.”

And she’s so right. I’m not going to be fluent in Korean right this moment.

I’ve literally only been here for two days.

I have to take it a step at a time. Like with everything. 

I constantly come back to this concept. It’s equally frustrating as it is hilarious to me.

Though there’s so many things I want to do and see, though I want to be able to speak Korean well, I know that will come, eventually.

But right now, right now I need to be just be here with this little step.

It’s not about the destination, but the journey. It is about those little victories.

This mentality has helped me gain some energy back and has made me realize my purpose for being here will present itself when I’m ready.

As my father has said to me: “Tough times ahead but they will be important life lessons you can carry with you for the rest of your life! There’s a reason you were meant to be there at this stage of your life!! Go find it.”

And that I will. Eventually.

But for now.

For now, I’m going to watch Itaewon Class and eat some chips :)

[jordynsportfolio]

about me

(selfie is at the bottom of this post)

Hi there! Welcome to my *professionally* crafted Final Portfolio for ENGL 1120. My name is Jordyn, my pronouns are she/her and I’m a 20-year-old Linguistics major at the University of New Mexico with a minor in Journalism, and my favorite color is yellow. In case you don’t know and would like to know, Linguistics is basically the science of language. I am bilingual (English and German), so I am very interested in language, sociolinguistics, and how they shape our societies. My minor in journalism comes from my love of writing, something I am still chasing and trying to feel fully again. I enjoy telling stories, and I feel as though telling real stories in their full truth is something our world needs very desperately right now. The past four years have both scared and inspired me to step up and get involved in what’s going on in the world, and I want to contribute to the change we need.

My hobbies in life are numerous, and I could probably say that everything is interesting to me. I tend to bounce around with interests a lot because I think it’s exciting and useful to know a little bit of everything. However, my main interests are listening to music, play video games, and I enjoy cooking/baking. My guilty pleasure is definitely online shopping, because there’s no dopamine rush quite like getting a package in the mailbox or at my front door. Pure euphoria, if you ask me. To expand on my hobbies and interests, here are some of my favorite things: My favorite band is The Neighbourhood (The NBHD). Their music is so amazing and I don’t think they have ever, or will ever, release a bad song. My favorite album from The NBHD is called Wiped Out!, I highly suggest you give it a listen if you like indie rock/pop. As for video games (By the way, I am a loyal PlayStation player, you won’t find any Xboxes here), I am currently playing through Persona 5 and replaying Horizon: Zero Dawn, which are both easily some of my favorite games. Both equally as headache inducing but super fun nonetheless. As for baking and cooking, the past year or so I have become really devoted to it, and it’s probably the hobby I do the most. Fun fact but kind of sad fact: I tend to get over-stimulated very easily, so sometimes it hard for me to do certain activities, but I have found that cooking dinner for my family or trying a new baking recipe has helped me stimulate my brain in a way that isn’t overwhelming. It has taught me to problem solve in a way that doesn’t spike my anxiety, and honestly, I am very thankful for it. My favorite recipes to make right now are my (in)famous vegan chocolate cake (my parents get triggered that there are no eggs in it) and my Mushroom Orzo dish (my parents actually like this one).

When it comes to writing, I actually really enjoy it. Creative writing, at least. It used to be a large hobby of mine, and I used to do it quite frequently. I have some writings of mine published sporadically around the internet actually (you will never find them so do not seek them out). However, as I’ve gotten older and as I’ve had to adapt to more academic writing styles, I think I lost my love for it in a way. There used to be something so magical about writing to me. Perhaps it was my way to escape for a while into some fictional reality I created, or maybe I felt at ease when I could translate my thoughts and feelings into words I could never verbally express correctly. However, in this class, I feel as though my love for writing resurfaced a bit, because I felt very interested and invested in my topics and found creative ways to write my writing assignments. One of my favorite things about writing is how certain usages of sentence structure and diction can suck the reader into another headspace, and doing so in academic writing ensures the reader will come out of it with all the information fully absorbed. For a while, that didn’t seem possible through academic writing, such as lengthy essays and presentations, but the past year or so I’ve begun to strengthen my academic writing. Strengthening my skills has helped me get closer and closer to my goal of achieving transformative writing.

The standout part of this course to me personally was our unit on propaganda. Obviously, I understood propaganda and what its intentions are beforehand, but doing my paper on the Jim Crow era in terms of propaganda opened my eyes to the fact that propaganda really is everywhere in our histories, societies, and everyday lives. I think the connotation of propaganda is always tied to war times, because the majority of propaganda discussed is from eras of war, and is never really discusses—at least in my school settings—other forms in depth. I even fell victim to thinking that way. But seeing the ways in which propaganda, which usually manipulates and traps its audiences, it’s kind of frightening that it had managed to wedge itself so tightly into our world. It definitely altered my world view doing this project, but it was also extremely insightful. But I will admit, it is rather scary to see how much of propaganda pertains to the -isms our society claims to be against. So much of propaganda is blatantly racist, sexist, and xenophobic, and while there are many cases where they are pointed out and criticized, there is a whole lot of other things that fly under the radar. Even with COVID this year, propaganda about the virus has antagonized China and people of Asian descent. Hate crimes rose significantly after this propaganda hit America really hard, and it angers me that we have allowed people to think that their racism is justified or okay.

[missfay49]

Sanders Sides Theory – July 3, 2019-August 16, 2019

The last side will be Aggression. Please enjoy this short essay explaining why.

 Looong post below the cut.

Premise:

Orange.  The mythical last Side needed to complete the rainbow that is C!Thomas.  According to color theory, orange signifies High Activity, Action, Impulse, and… Aggression.  But many of the sides don’t neatly fit into any of the traditional color theories. While it would complete the rainbow, their color is not going to define their trait.  So just toss that out right now.

I racked my brain to come up with another unspoken personality trait that could be considered shameful like Deceit and Remus, that C!Thomas could possibly have within him.  I actually sat on this post for more than a month because the pieces didn’t fit. But now that I’ve started to see other posts about the last Side being Anger, in the context of standing up for oneself, (Righteous Fury) I think it makes sense.  What is the literally opposite of how we view C!Thomas in these videos?  Kind, sympathetic, accepting C!Thomas?  Aggression and violence.  

Examples of Violence or Aggression in the show:

AoVD – Roman slays a dragon-witch to protect an imaginary Valerie.  Roman is considered to be acting par-for-the-course for killing the dragon-witch, and no one minds because he did it to defend someone.  

AA - Login throws a keyboard at Thomas to make a point.  

-Some kinds of violence are acceptable to society, like defeating ‘bad’ people.  Or for science.

LNTAO – Logan screams and throws a crumpled paper at Roman, hitting him in the eye.  This causes Patton and Roman to lead a full-on puppet-based theatrical production about why we need to express our feelings in healthy ways.  (Logan had to hit him in the eye, for the sake of the idiom, “an eye for an eye”.) (Also, Logan had a feeling for once, and it was anger.)

EP – Virgil throws a rock at C!Thomas and hits him in the face, but immediately feels bad about it.  

-Some kinds of violence are not acceptable.

(I’m leaving out the latest episode for a reason.)

The Sides have quietly been exploring and dealing with aggression the whole time.  This is also why Virgil, as someone trying to reform themselves, seems to actually be afraid of the yet-unknown ‘other’ Side.  He knows how bad something like that has the potential to be.  With the last episode’s reveal of Remus, he seems resigned to the fact that all the Sides will eventually come out, and he can’t control or prepare for it as much as he thought he could.  He’s scared.

Counter-Argument:

Let me stop you right there- if the other sides act out and are violent or aggressive sometimes, does that mean there needs to be a whole ‘nother side for it?  Why isn’t that just something they do?

One Side exhibiting a trait from another Side is par for the course, of course.  We were not officially introduced to Deceit until episode CLBG, but Virgil has been specifically reminding everyone not to lie since way back in AOVD, as well as several episodes that bring up instances of lying to ourselves, or denying reality: ANYOLTM, TDSOD, AOVD.  Patton, Roman, and Logan have all been caught lying since early episodes, despite us not knowing Deceit existed.  Therefore, the fact that many of them have acted aggressively in the past is a solid indicator that Aggression will be its own Side.

The Meat of the Argument – Suppression:

There are no light or dark sides, good or bad sides.  There are only those sides that C!Thomas has, or has not, already accepted are a part of him.

Being nurturing, logical, and creative (to an extent) are all sides that have been encouraged in him, and most of us, from early childhood.  Showing these traits is considered positive behavior, and conducive to functioning in society.  

There are no light or dark sides.

Meanwhile, being duplicitous or selfish, creating things that seem too dark, or having paranoid thoughts are all often dismissed or considered to be unacceptable by large swaths of people, particularly when we’re young.  As my own example, I went to a Christian pre-school in 1992-93 (I’m old, okay?).  One day while finger-painting, I drew a large green snake attacking an airplane.  Yeah, that’s right, I came up with “Snakes on a Plane”, and that’s why I included the date.  Suck it, Hollywood.  

That finger-painting was, and still is, the best depiction of an airplane I have ever produced.  I can still picture it.  I was so proud, I excitedly told my teacher exactly what was going on in the scene when she asked.  She promptly took it away and threw it in the trash, because, “Violence is wrong.”

I cried.  I hadn’t actually attacked a plane full of people, or created a real life violent snake.  I’d only thought about it and drawn a picture.  It was a compelling story for a five year old!

Suppressing ‘negative’ thoughts doesn’t help us.  Every Side only wants what’s best for C!Thomas.  Virgil wants to protect him.  Deceit wants him to be successful.  Remus wants C!Thomas to be free to express himself, without being limited by what society (or even his own wholesome viewers) might find acceptable.  

Yet, we are taught to suppress these kinds of thoughts and ideas, to deny they even exist.  But we know, because the series shows us, that even these ‘darker’ sides can be useful.  How?  

All things in moderation.

Moderation is the key.  Focusing too much on any one facet hurts us, while working towards a balance helps us.  Even our acceptable traits can hurt us when they’re taken to the extreme: Being too logical can lead to disregarding feelings and producing lower quality work, just for the sake of meeting a deadline.  Being too fanciful can cause us to get lost in a daydream when we need to take care of our responsibilities.  Being too protective of an ideal can make us blind to the way someone is trying to express themselves.  

One by one, C!Thomas has shown how each Side can be helpful to him.  And anxiety is the key, the linchpin.  Feeling stress can be a way to alert us of possible dangers, societal faux-pas, and cause us to change course to ensure a positive outcome.  This is the base human emotion, that for centuries has allowed us to conform, just a little, to stay in a group, and keep us from getting eaten by freakin’ wolves!  Anxiety is accepted as useful.

Acceptance.

Heck, Remus was introduced and (more or less) accepted in a single (long) episode!  I left out the examples of violence in his episode until now, because each and every one of them was ultimately accepted as just being a creative part of our brains that happens sometimes, unworthy of lingering on.  They do not matter.  It was immediately resolved that Remus simply can’t control or predict his imaginative outbursts, but would like to be accepted all the same because he doesn’t want C!Thomas to miss out on what could be a huge portion of his creative ability.  He’s hurt by the fact he was rejected in the first place.

So, although Deceit has not yet been accepted per se, we can fully anticipate it, and the acceptance of any remaining unknown Sides, given enough time.  And this pattern of acceptance will be their downfall.

Progression:

Why has it taken so long to get to this Side?  

When the series first started, C!Thomas’s anxiety was high.  He was just coming to accept it existed, let alone how to deal with it and turn it to his advantage.  When you feel anxious all the time, it’s incredibly difficult to ever really feel confident in yourself or what you’re doing.  We can’t stick up for ourselves if we don’t feel confident about ourselves in the first place.  

Anxiety directly inhibits Confidence.

Exactly through the act of resolving his various Sides, the Sides become more and more confident, more valid. C!Thomas grows as a person and feels more comfortable with who he is and his path.  His anxiety evolves and balances out, allowing him to feel more confident in his decision making.

The point is always to achieve balance, and accept what each Side brings to the table.  And now we’re finally at the most recent video, in which we literally come to terms with the ability to have dark thoughts without them necessarily changing our behavior in real life.  Confidence becomes okay.  He believes in his ability to make choices that are just, like in the literal courtroom conclusion.  C!Thomas MUST reach the point where he can accept that premise, because otherwise Aggression would never be palatable.  Standing up for yourself would never be possible.  He could never be confident if he was still worried about randomly committing violent acts against his will.  

In this episode, we see the result of a Virgil that has slowly been growing more confident in his role and purpose, because he and Patton demand the group just “trust us”.  But a confident Virgil is like a feedback loop into the speaker: the noise becomes stronger, more distorted, and more painful with each iteration.  When he finds himself aligned with Remus unexpectedly, his feelings of confidence sink and his doubt skyrockets.

Prediction:

Not in the next episode, but definitely coming up, C!Thomas will experience an injustice from outside forces. There will be an increased level of anxiety, in which Virgil reaches an unbearable level, and C!Thomas wonders if aggressively pursuing his goals will cause him to lose his sense of self.  He was wronged, but how far is he willing to go to right it?  Can he handle that kind of social conflict?

C!Thomas doesn’t believe in violence, sure, but he can’t let this one go, not after everything else he’s given up so far.  Roman deserves this.  He will ultimately be manipulated into tabling his Anxiety, because he feels he deserves to be successful, and he can’t afford to let fear stop him now.  

The Set Up:

With Anxiety out of the way, something changes in the others.  They feel free, more confident.  This time the choice was knowingly made to reject Virgil, instead of leaving everyone confused like it did in AA.  And at least some of them can feel justified about it, because he was getting out of control.  They’ll bring him back when it’s all over, they tell themselves.  But with Patton’s help, C!Thomas still feels one last pang of doubt.  Was it right to remove Virgil?  At this, Logan will turn on him, reasoning that the entire point of EVERYTHING was to be successful, and “now that we’re here, you’re just going to throw it all away?  For what?!  To save face with someone who doesn’t even deserve it?  To let some jerk decide what you’re capable of, for you?  This could be- IS everything we’ve been working towards!”  The set-up of him being the savior in DWIT, and feeling more confident in his status as “cool” and capable, will be his driving force.  Even Roman is on-board with this, he wants the spotlight so badly! Logan’s voice will change.  He’ll become unreasonable, emotional.  And at that point it will become clear he’s not himself.  He will hit the floor like the battery just died in his little robot puppet.  And what rises up in his place?  Well...

Aggression will appear without any fancy dress.  He will be wearing a t-shirt, possibly with some orange, or some small, hard-to-see detail indicating his trait, but will otherwise look exactly like C!Thomas does in everyday life.  This is the insidiousness of anger and violent thoughts; You can never tell, just by looking, who might act on them.

He will be an energetic, twitching mess of barely controlled excitement, looking for any outlet.  He might display potential traits for an addictive personality.  He will give clear instructions and expect to be listened to.  “Do it.  Do it, now- STOP TALKING AND D-!“

All of the increasingly extravagant costumes for each new side have just been a misdirect leading up to this exact moment; A face-to-face confrontation with the part of C!Thomas that he feels most ashamed of: actual pride in himself.  

Why?

Why would it be hard for someone to be proud of themselves?  

Already addressed in DWIT, pride is a ‘sin’.  We convince ourselves not to feel it, because the ‘right’ thing to do is accept our lot in life, to believe we don’t even deserve what we have, let alone dare to reach for more. One of the greatest struggles we face in a world where we have access to a relentless stream of information, is reconciling our position compared to others.  Every time we get a role in the play, are we taking from someone else?  Maybe we didn’t really earn that opportunity.  The act of pursuing anything non-critical to survival is juxtaposed by our sense of justice.  We struggled, so we deserve something for our efforts.  

People who have struggled hard to make something of themselves, only to find their path blocked by someone else, something outside of their control… they snap.  They reach an invisible marker in their timeline where they can choose to either be someone that always gives in, gives to others, never chooses themselves… or they can choose to stand up.  And who helps us stand up?  Deceit.  Because if we aren’t willing to stand up to that roadblock for ourselves, we rationalize that it will benefit others.  How many more people will this roadblock prevent from creating something?  From succeeding?  This isn’t just about us anymore, it’s about justice for all who come after!  It is righteous!  It is good! It’s US versus THEM!

That’s why, when we need to reject civility, anxiety has to go…

Conclusion:

Accepting Deceit is the first step. None of this works if he’s still an outlier.  With the help of Deceit, Aggression will forcibly coerce and overpower each Side in turn as they try to defend C!Thomas, insisting that he is the last, and greatest, piece of the puzzle needed to ensure C!Thomas’s success and well-being. He is self-serving and unabashedly honest about it.  The contrast will even make Deceit look more appealing:  “See?”  He mocks the Sides as they’re defeated.  “I just wanted to give you a calm, civil version of all…” waving a gloved hand, “-this.  But you wouldn’t listen and, now, here we are...”

But you wouldn’t listen.

C!Thomas will continue the pattern of acceptance, because every Side has to have some good in them, right?  If Deceit can be good, so can Aggression.  He doesn’t understand why the other Sides are being so stubborn.  They don’t know what it feels like to be rejected just for being themselves, not like Deceit and Virgil.  Like him.

Leaving us with one last, unanswered question: Who will C!Thomas be once all the Sides are revealed?

But that’s just a theory- a Game Theo- ha, just kidding.  If this turns out to be all wrong, well, it was a good mental exercise.  Hope you enjoyed. 

[mcrmadness]

I was tagged by @cupcakecurl a while back (thank you!) and finally I’m on the mood for doing this myself as well!

Rules: tag 9 people you’d like to get to know better!

Top 3 current ships: I actually have just one OTP, which is Bela/Farin (aka FUB) from Die Ärzte, and then multiple smaller ones here and there. I’m finding new ships way too easily and sometimes it bugs me because I meant to enjoy a thing and boom, suddenly I have a ship there to fuck up with my brain. B/F is pretty much the only ship that I can say to actually ship, the rest are more like just for fun, I enjoy seeing stuff but I don’t really do anything about it, you know?

But now as I think of it, I think of it, I could say another band ship here: Paulchard aka Paul Landers and Richard Z. Kruspe from Rammstein, about these I have also watched videos and read some fancomics too and last summer’s tour was a wild one and I was following the events quite a lot.

And then maybe I could throw one fictional ship here too as it’s pretty much current one since I just finished watching the 5th season of Gotham last week, and that is, of course Nygmobblepot aka Penguin/The Riddler aka Oswald Cobblepot/Edward Nygma. I’ve never in my life shipped these before, even tho I’ve been a Batman fan since 1999 (I was 8) as I saw the 60s series on TV and I can remember almost shipping Batman and Robin back then, and I was only 8 years old!, and then had been watching the movies more or less during my childhood, but this was never something I’d even think of before I started watching Gotham and things started happening in the show. But it’s an interesting one. And I have to admit that while the show was still running and I couldn’t watch it because I live in Europe (and was too lazy to look for a website to watch it :D), I was still browsing the tag on Tumblr after each episode and giving myself spoilers of what happens with them. But I think the ending was a lot different than what I thought based on the Tumblr posts, and I’m actually not sure what to think of it. Imho it was not as bad as everyone else seemed to think.

I’m putting this under a read more link as this is getting way too long and I don’t know if people are interested in reading my weird thoughts about ships and other random stuff, so here you go... 

Top 3 all-time ships:  Oh my gosh, I have had so many but only like 2 actually strong ones? And I have to say Bela/Farin here as well, the reasons are found from above and I’m just so obsessed with them and idc what it is, already the friendship is like friendhip goals, you know? But yeah, I’ve been making videos about these two idiots for like last 10 years so... :D

And the next one, okay I’m usually not so talkative about ships. I can talk about them with people in private but I don’t like to go and shout about them publicly, probably the only one I talk about this way is Bela/Farin but it’s because Tumblr is a safe place for this and there’s no hate with this ship or anything (and the other one is Paulchard, every now and then I will reblog something that crosses my dash). But mainly I like to keep ships to myself and like I said in that other tag game post, ships are more like a guilty pleasure. Maybe because of my age as it was very normal at the age of 15 but now as I’m 28? Why am I still “in love with other people’s love”? I actually don’t mind it but I think many people would find it weird, especially when I don’t read fanfictions anymore and I don’t want to imagine anything, I just like seeing cute stuff, but with many ships I don’t even want to see too much, I just like seeing them being close but with many ships even seeing them kiss would be too much.

But anyway, top 3 all-time ships... I think I need to mention here a ship that I was very much obsessed when I was 15-17, that I wrote LOTS OF fanfiction and was there to make lots of fan theories and all, and that one was Frerard aka Gerard Way/Frank Iero from My Chemical Romance. I was SO obsessed it’s insane. If you know anything about MCR and Frerard, you maybe are aware of how was the year 2007 and you can probably imagine how crazy we all went when Project Revolution stuff happened. So yeah, I need to mantion that here even tho I no longer “believe in this ship”, but I guess I’d lie if I said, that I didn’t believe that there was something there back in the day. I’ve actually recently been watching some Frerard theory videos just for fun, because there’s so many things I had forgotten and so many things I still can remember, but also lots of stuff that I kinda missed because they happened in 2010-2012, and even tho I was still very much in the fandom and I was to their second gig in Finland in 2011, I still was not that much into the Danger Days album so I was not so into digging up stuff either. And I had my own identity crisis and Die Ärzte had been my favorite band for 1-2 years at that time so I was spending lots of time watching DÄ videos, so MCR was kinda at the background. And then the whole band went quiet for some time until they quit in 2013 (and now they’re back), so all that Frerard hype kinda died after each of them started to get married to other people and the kids were born, so there just... kinda was no more room for the ship, you know? But Freard was my first actual huge slash ship, I’ve had others before it (for example, my first touch to slash fiction was Harry Potter fanfiction and of course Harry/Draco stuff, but that one also later died out), but it was the first really strong one and then Bela/Farin kinda took its place as Frerard died out but B/F has been going strong and the ship has been sailing itself since the 80s, so... :D

And as the last one I think I could again mention something fictional but at the same time something that is super weird for me as it’s not slash fiction but hetship, which is something REALLY weird for me. I usually don’t like heteroships as they’re just... boring and so cliché. But I need to mention this one that I got into when I was 15: Fox Mulder and Dana Scully from The X-Files. Yeah I know it was 2006 and the series had ended already in 2002, but I was a new fan! I had known about the series since I was a little kid as my dad was watching it back then, but I started watching it myself when the show had a rerun here in 2004-2005. And then I met my friend in 2006 when we were 15 and we found out that we both were very much into TXF and I remember how we somehow both started to ship Mulder and Scully (having no idea of how the series ended), and it was probably until the 6th season (there was 9 seasons at the time) when they stopped airing it altogether, so we were so furious about the fact because the last episode was such a cliffhanger and we NEEDED TO KNOW, so I had to buy them on dvd! So I remember how we would meet at school every day and after every episode, we went so crazy, discussing what had happened in the episode and if there was any Mulder/Scully activity, we were just so hyped :D And then, as we STILL hadn’t seen all the seasons, we went to see the second movie (”TXF: I want to believe”) in theaters in 2008 or so, and it’s set to happen after the events of the seasons, we were both so blown away by what was in the movie because we had no clue :D Fun fact: I actually finished watching the 9th season only last year. So now I understand the events of the second movie a lot better, and I’ve also seen the 10th and 11th seasons so now I’m finally aware of everything. But that really is a hetship that I accept and that is not like a typical movie romance type of ship. It has interesting dynamics.

---

Last song: Tatuoituna by Tehosekoitin

Lipstick or chapstick: Chapstick, I don’t use any make-up, but chapstick I need to use daily.

Last movie: Iron Sky. I’ve seen it before tho, but we’re gonna watch the sequel soon, so we had to watch this to remember what happened :D (And it’s made partially by Finns, so..!)

Reading: Atm I have 3 books I’m reading, all of them in Finnish:

The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes, which has all the short stories in one. But I think there’s some of the newer ones missing and that’s why I bought this bit newer book with more stories, and I’m gonna read those once I’m finished with this one. And I’ve been reading this now for years lol... but I’m slowly getting there, I’m already over halfway through :D

A collection of Edgar Allan Poe’s short stories, I don’t know the name for this book and it doesn’t say any name for the original. This one I also started to read a years back, only to pause if for years and then last year I borrowed it again from my dad and tried to continue from where I was left the last time.

The Heroes of Olympus: The Mark of Athena by Rick Riordan. I’ve been reading his books ever since I was a, well, teenager probably, and I have had a long pause with these books and reading overall, but now I’m back at it and trying to buy and read all of his books I still haven’t read.

I wanted to read the latter only after finishing with SH and Poe’s stories but I needed to read something and they’re bit too difficult reading at the times, and I needed something lighter but also didn’t want to start over with Harry Potter for the 5th time so I decided to go for this series instead. I really like reading SH and Poe’s stories, but like I said, they’re bit difficult at the times. You can’t just read them, you need to think and use your brains meanwhile you’re reading, and sometimes it’s just so incredibly hard to stay focused on it and I need to go back so often because I wasn’t paying attention and then had no clue what was happening and why.

And I sometimes I skip some of Poe’s stories because they’re so purely scientific about a topic that I cannot comprehend nor care about, e.g. this one story that was almost like a science essay about hot-air balloon flight in the form of a story, probably super interesting for someone who likes this kind of stuff and even more interesting for a writer interested in stuff like that, but I’m really not the target audience of that story :D But then there’s also lots of really interesting ones, I especially like the ones that have something to do with insanity. I guess people would call them as the horror stories, but idk, I just love that kind of mystery. For some reason all of my favorite stories are those where there is a dead woman/love interest :DD But probably my ultimate favorite is the one about writing an article to a magazine with horror stories, and how this guy become beheaded and all just to write a story about how it feels like and stays alive meanwhile, and I just LOVE IT when fictional works play with death and when something that is supposed to kill you, doesn’t, and I just love the idea of that story so much :D It’s just that you never know how a story will be like, as you start reading, is it a scientific essay or a mystery or a horror story or about insanity or what is it? And then when in the middle of reading and you realize this is bit boring or uninteresting, but still want to finish, but also want to skip, and that’s why I get stuck with that book, and I change to SH or something else. Often I also grab some of the comics (or non-fiction books) I own whenever I feel like reading but these books feel too heavy for that moment.

---

I should tag 9 people but I don’t even know that many people to tag lol. Okay I do know people, but I still don’t know who wants to be tagged and who doesn’t. Maybe I’ll be boring and tag @stufenlosregelbar again? :D And idk, maybe @annika-of-the-lost? Eh, I’m so bad at this whole tagging thing. I’m having a bad conscience if I don’t tag anyone/enough people in case they want to be tagged and I can’t read minds; and then I’m having bad conscience when I DO tag people in case they’re all somewhere facepalming and screaming “WHYYYYYY” into the void, as I still can’t read minds. So you can choose, do this tag game or ignore it and ban me from ever tagging you people again, I don’t mind :p

[rewrite-the-wrongs]

introductions / howdy, pardner

My first short story was about a fishboy and his human best friend. They battled a mutant piranha (whose name I think may have been Mutant Piranha, such was the monumental daring of my creative endeavor) and his army, who were out to destroy a mountain that held a whole planet together. The boys won singlehandedly, because scale was apparently a bit of a mystery to me.

This was the second grade. My teacher--who held me every day as I cried for weeks, confused and miserable and stranded in the throes of my parents’ divorce--understood before I did that I create to a ploddingly slow and steady drumbeat. A sentence is always so much more in my head than I’m able to let out, at first; I have to pore over it again and again, fleshing and flourishing (and often correcting) it, the same way I often have to reread paragraphs or pages or whole books to truly capture their meaning. In a word processor, this back-and-forth is as easily said as it is done; on double-wide ruled paper with dashed-line handwriting guides, the task is magnitudes more time-consuming, especially for somebody as messy as I am. So, while nearly everybody else played at recess on the sandlot and the jungle gym around us, a select few stragglers laid our reading folders on our laps and finished our stories.

My villain, that dastardly Mutant Piranha, found himself in prison at the story’s close. Awaiting trial, I guess; I never ventured that far ahead, seeing the big fishy bastard for a coward. “When no one was looking, he stabbed himself.” That’s the last line, stuck in my memory, not for its own sake, but for my poor teacher’s horrified face as she read my final draft there on the playground.

A mom volunteered to type up the class’ stories and get them printed and bound. For years afterward I reread that collection, always proud to have written the second-longest piece therein. I felt the weight of the pages, inhaled the tiny but acrid breeze that came from rapidly leafing through them. Knew it was a whole smattering of worlds inside, that one of those worlds was wholly mine, and I had the power to show it to people however I wished. Yes, I thought, I want this.

*

I’ve been introduced to writing many times over, by many people. Don’t get me wrong--I nightowled the first several chapters to many half-baked novel concepts all through my youth. But teachers have a way of showing a thing to you from new angles.

The first person to impact me as such was a high school teacher who was essentially given carte-blanche to construct a creative writing workshop in the English curriculum. The first semester was structured--you practiced poems, short fiction, humor and essay writing, drama, the gamut. Every semester after, the carte-blanche was passed on: A single assignment due a week, each a single draft of a poem or a minimum of two pages’ worth of prose. Forty-five minutes a day to work, and of course free time at home. By the time I graduated, I’d finagled my schedule such that I was spending two periods a day in the computer lab, and several hours after school every day working the literary arts magazine before I went home to get the rest of my homework out of the way and write some more..

My next big influence came in the form of  a pair of writers who taught fiction at my university, a married couple. One had me print stories and literally, physically cut them up section-by-section as a method of reworking chronologies. Told me stories happened like engines or clocks or programs--pieces that meshed differently depending on how they were put together, rules that held each other in place. The other showed boundless confidence in me, listened happily to some older students who recommended I be brought on board for a national arts mag. They both encouraged me toward grad school, but toward the end of my junior year I began to stumble, and by senior year I was, to be frank, a drunken asshole. Time I could be bothered to set aside for writing began to dwindle. I limped through the editorship with the help of my extremely talented, utterly more-than-worthy successor--and come to think of it, I’ve never truly thanked her. Maybe I’ll send her that message, now that I’m feeling more myself.

*

On feeling more myself:

That drunken rage was brought on by a myriad list of factors, the primary ones being 1) I am the child of recovering alcoholics, and our inherited family trauma runs deep, 2) An assault that will likely be mentioned no further from hereon in, as I have reached a solid level of catharsis about it, 3) Some toxic-ass relationship issues, and 4) I was a massive egg and had no idea (or, really, I had some idea, just not the language or understanding or even the proper empathy to eloquently and effectively explore it).

I had a recent relapse with drinking, technically--a mimosa at Christmas breakfast at my partner’s parents’ home--but I’m not honestly sure I can call it a legitimate relapse. I’m not in any official self-help group, I’ve never engaged in the twelve steps or a professional rehabilitation. I had a very wonderful therapist for a few years but reached a point at which I could not pay her any longer and we parted ways--I miss her dearly, as she truly became my friend and confidante; she was the first person I came out to, and very well-equipped to handle it, lucky for me--but I’m still on behavioral medication. That tiny smidgen of alcohol pushed my antidepressants right out of my brain, and I became terribly anxious and angry and sad all at once, and briefly lashed out during a conversation with my partner behind closed doors. Not nearly the lashing out I’ve released in the now-distant past--more on that maybe-never, but who knows, as I am obviously a chronic over-sharer.

Frankly, I don’t deserve my partner. She endured my past abuses, told me to my face I had to be better, and found it in herself to wait for me to grow. She’s endlessly and tirelessly supportive of me. She sat with me to help me maintain the nerve to start this blog tonight. I came out to her as a trans woman just under a year ago, now, and I’m happier than ever, and we communicate better than ever. Our relationship is, bar-none, the healthiest and stablest and happiest I’ve ever been in.

So, naturally, I apologized fairly quickly at Christmas, and continuing where I’d left off at two and a half years, decided I’m still solid without booze.

If we’re all being honest, though (and I’m doing my best to be one hundred percent honest, here, though I will absolutely be censoring names because no shit), I still smoke way too much fuckin’ weed. High as balls, right now. 420 blaze it, all day erryday, bruh. That self-medicated ADHD life. I should be on Adderall and not antidepressants, probably, but it’s been a while since an appointment and psychiatrists are expensive, so I’m at where I’m at for now. Sativas help a lot. It helps with the dysphoria, too.

I don’t have a legal diagnosis for gender dysphoria, but tell that to my extreme urge to both be in and have a vagina. I’m making little changes--my hair, an outfit at a time, no longer policing how I walk or run or how much emphasis I put on S sounds. If I manage to come out to my parents sometime soon--and it feels like that moment is closer every day--maybe I’ll tell y’all my real, full chosen name. For right now, call me Easy.

*

Anyhow. My goals here are pretty simple:

1) Share words, both those by people I like/admire/sometimes know! and occasionally words I’ve made that I like. See the above screenshot from my notes app. Steal some words if you want, but if you manage to make money off some of mine, holler at ya gurl’s Venmo, yeah?

2) Discuss words, how they work, and how we create them, use them, engage with them, and ultimately make art of them. I am not a professional linguist, but I went to undergrad for creative writing, so, hey, I’ll have opinions and do my best to back them up with ideas from people smarter than I am.

3) Books! Read them, revisit them, quote them, talk about them, sometimes maybe even review them, if I’m feeling particularly bold. No writer can exist in a vacuum, and any writer who insists they don’t like to read is either a) dyslexic and prefers audiobooks or b) in serious need of switching to a communications major (no shade, but also definitely a little shade @corporate journalism).

5) I added this last, but I feel it’s less important than 4 and does not deserve bookend status, and I am verbose but incredibly lazy, so here I am, fucking with the system. Anyway: Art! Music! Video games! I fucking love them. I’ll talk about them, sometimes, too. Maybe I’ll finally do some of the ekphrastic work I’ve felt rattling around in my brain for a while now. Jade Cocoon 2′s Water Wormhole Forest, looking right the fuck at you.

6) Ah, shit, I did it again. Oh well. Last-but-not-last: This is obviously, in some ways, a diary, or a massive personal essay. I will sometimes discuss people, places, or experiences that have informed my work just the same as other people’s art has.

4) Be an unabashed and open Trans woman. TERFs, transphobes, ill-informed biological essentialists not permitted. Come at me and my girldick and prepare to be dunked on and subsequently shown the door via a swift and painful steel-toed kick in the ass. Everybody who doesn’t suck, if I screw up on any matter of socio-ethics or respect for diversity, please feel free to correct me.

*

Punk’s dead, but we’re a generation of motherfucking necromancers. Be gay, do crime, fight the patriarchy, and fart when you gotta. May the Great Old Ones select you to ascend to a higher plane and learn the terrible truths of existence.

Much love--

Easy

[scifimagpie]

Game of ZZZs: How Long Stories Ruin Everything

I've been putting this one off because I was kind of busy writing an 18-part series deep-dive involving journalism and undercover work, but since Lindsay Ellis has released her video essay conclusion, I have finally put my thoughts in order.

So, today we're going to talk about something contentious. I have no issue with books being long, or shows being long, or movies being long - but at the same time, I do. And yes, I know some people adore epic scale stories for their own sake.  Not everything needs to be a thousand-page-long ten-book series with three spinoffs and prequels. Oh, sure, market forces and advertising play a role in this, but creators still participate in it.

But sometimes a story isn't long because it needs to be, it's long because the writer thinks it HAS to be. From my personal experience as a reader and writer, and especially as an editor, I've come to some conclusions about how stories are artificially extended. And in a world of global warming and climate change, shouldn't we be fighting waste everywhere, on every level?

Now, a certain show ended its eighth season not long ago; Big Bang Theory came to a whimper of a close after ten seasons, and Veep - which I only heard about towards its grand finale, alas - has also finished up a seven-season run. 

I'm not saying all of these shows participated in various errors. I'm saying pretty much every show, book, and movie series will partake in them eventually. So how do we do better than the bad ones, and how do we echo or even improve on the good ones? We can't fight what we don't know about, so let's get into it.

Spacing

Everything happens, but not right away. No, the important events are distanced from each other, to the point where there are long stretches of dead zones or deserts of nonsense in between them. I'm not talking about character interactions as nonsense here, but unfortunately, a lot of authors seem to think that they count, and that human drama isn't interesting enough to be a climax. Older fantasy works--cough, cough, Wheel of Time--can be particularly bad about this. The problem with spacing out events and using human drama between the big McGuffin/army-driven fights is that readers get frustrated by the human drama rather than finding it rewarding. Or worse, they find the army and McGuffiny-crap a distraction from the human stuff.

Padding

I know about this issue from the inside. Bad Things that Happen to Girls started off as a book called Foreverland, and then was untitled for a while before getting its current name. It went through two full rewrites before arriving at its current published form. When I wrote it at first, I thought it absolutely had to be a long novel, with lots of details about the girls' lives and a slow-burn breakdown, then an extended road trip in the middle and a bunch of scenes about their experiences in university.

I didn't realise I was padding it, but when I experimented with radically decreasing the timeline of events, I had a revelation. I didn't need years and paragraphs on paragraphs chronicling their lived experiences, full of pointless dialogue and meandering descriptions. All I had to do were give little samples and important moments, and that would get the idea across. Sometimes a flash reveals more than a long exposure shot, to put it in cinematic terms.

Cramming

EVERYTHING MUST HAPPEN AND IT MUST HAPPEN NOW AND HERE ARE TEN NEW CHARACTERS AND A NEW SUBPLOT AND HOLY CRAP WE MUST MAKE UP FOR WRAPPING UP TOO MANY THREADS AT THE END OF THE LAST SEASON OOPS.

The caps lock here was entirely necessary and appropriate, because with cramming, the story often feels like it's shouting at you. (Probably in German.)

The biggest problem with cramming, too, is that it requires glossing over things. If readers get interested by a small detail, they might end up screaming, "wait, go back!" long after the author's moved to another topic, or three other topics. Finding the balance between this and padding can be tricky, but the best solution I can offer is "external perspective." Get someone to read over your work, and when they lose attention, that's time to cut. It's a trick I often use with editing manuscripts - the minute my attention wavers, I mark it, just in case.

Crashing

this tends to happen to shows that have lived past their expiry date. Supernatural is a fine example of this. This is where "shark-jumping" tends to come into play; characters do things that go against their nature and development for the sake of jump-starting a narrative or adding some excitement.

Oh, the shark-jump. That's worth a mini-section of its own. Honestly, most shows either end or jump the shark in order to keep going. There's no such thing as a perfect writer or a perfect story; mostly because these things are subjective, but partly because keeping all the balls in the air for a story is just plain hard. 

Endless escalation 

Science fiction authors are prone to this, and so are epic fantasy authors. In an effort to keep reader interest, stakes rise and rise and rise, and then lose sight of the human scale of things. The problem is that stories are made of people, and if you forget about the people, you don't have a story anymore.

As with Cramming, this can lead to glossing over interesting bits as well. The full impact of a big change or shift isn't always felt if we rush to the next big, shiny thing. In real life, though, long-reaching consequences of events can have ripples for decades or even centuries. The Magna Carta was a big deal when it was signed; the effects of the Spanish Inquisitions, the Crusades, the unification of China (which happened more than once), the Viking cultural expansions, and the colonization of North America (by which I mean the land-theft and genocide of Indigenous peoples) are all still talked about to this day. 

Bad things that happen to characters need room to resonate. PTSD and trauma are not only interesting, they're natural, and even when people mostly recover from them, they leave a lasting impact. Let your characters get wrecked by something. Have characters reference things that have happened. Let characters get fatigued, collapse, and have to fix themselves. It'll not only demonstrate the actual impact of your events, it'll keep you from having to throw together another big, shiny thing to make the story more exciting (looking at you, Avengers series and mainstream comics). 

So, what tends to actually cause these writing techniques behind the scenes? 

Burnout or boredom

One of the most difficult and important factors - one which arguably contributed to the absolute mess that was the GoT finale - is just getting tired of your own damn story. When this happens, authors and creators will end up trying to revamp something with weird new twists partly to keep themselves interested, might engineer an awkward left turn to justify a foreshadowed plot element, or might just do a half-hearted wrap-up of the previous plot elements.

Here's the thing - audiences don't always consume stories at the same rate as authors write them. Many times, readers or viewers will stumble on a work and binge it in a relatively short time, so what took years for the writer will take months, at most, for the consumer. This can make tonal clashes very jarring. 

In other cases, an author will abandon a series due to writer's block or life events - a sin of which I, cough, am guilty - and then try to pick it up later. This will still impact the story, often negatively. Maybe one has just gotten well and thoroughly tired of the subject matter, or it's been done to death in the popular sphere. It doesn't really matter - either way, authors are subject to the world around them, and sometimes, the only way to deal with burnout or boredom is rotating to another project. That's fine - the only issue comes when the first project is completely abandoned, and languishes, unfinished. 

Societal changes and personal development 

I'm combining these two because the world around us affects us, and sometimes, we even affect the world. If you'd told me that Donald Trump and Boris Johnson were going to rise to power during my lifetime, I wouldn't've believed you. To many, it sounded like a bad dream. Well, here we are, and the long night has not yet come to an end. Using art to cope with dark times and critique them is a long-celebrated human trend, and there's no reason to stop now. Sure, we might fear our work aging poorly - but stories that try to be timeless always age anyhow, and an earnest time capsule often lasts longer, because it can tap into the problems of an era (which echo forward, as discussed in the section above).

If you'd told me that I'd be able to deal with my family issues in a more satisfactory way, I might have believed you - but realising the impact of that on my writing both as a Game Master and an author is another matter. However, the additional perspective and maturity of healing has, rather than distancing me from characters' struggles, provided additional objectivity and even empathy. Fixing ourselves and healing doesn't "take away our artistic magic" - far from it. If anything, getting over issues unlocks the ability to deal with them in fiction much more effectively. 

Disillusionment and insecurity

These are nasty brain demons, all right - perhaps one has taken a look at the broad span of one's work, compared it to one's goals, and feels they are just - well, left wanting. Every creator struggles with this at some point, whether crafting a story for a D&D party or for hundreds of readers or thousands of viewers. The only way to deal with it is with external perspective and turning to objective sources of both external critique and validation. 

After all, we tell ourselves things that may or may not be true all the time, and measuring them against the perceptions of the audience can drastically correct things. Your readers might just be happy to see the characters get married - never mind that it took you five years to write about them getting together. And even if they don't like something specific or complain about it or nitpick - hey, they're coming back. You compelled them. Even if the readers, say, abandon their fandom and proclaim it a trashfire - they're still paying for or giving your story attention and money. And ultimately, from a marketing perspective attention is always neutral or positive - even if that attention is controversial - because it increases profits. 

How do we even begin to fix all this? 

But.  All hope is not lost.

By acknowledging burnout, boredom, disillusionment, insecurity, personal development, and societal change - the factors which often lead to writing shortcuts detailed in the previous section - we can compensate for the natural creative struggles by accepting and anticipating them. 

Try to write books in a series in a continuous stretch when possible, making it harder to lose track of the tone or style or character journeys. Plot things out, and get yourself a hands-on editor and/or extremely trustworthy beta-readers. And forgive yourself for screwing up - then get back to writing. At least, that's what I'm doing! 

***

Michelle Browne is a sci fi/fantasy writer and editor. She lives in Lethbridge, AB with her partner-in-crime and Max the cat. Her days revolve around freelance editing, knitting, jewelry, and learning too much. She is currently working on other people's manuscripts, the next books in her series, and drinking as much tea as humanly possible.

Find her all over the internet: * OG Blog * Mailing list * Magpie Editing * 

* Amazon * Medium * Twitter * Instagram * Facebook * Tumblr * Paypal.me * Ko-fi

[synthaphone]

thinkin about stuff

i’m very glad that people are exposing abusive people in music, that is always the highest priority

but dear god its so emotionally taxing to have to, every three weeks or so, go through my music library and delete a different artist’s music because i can’t listen to them anymore without the specter of whatever awful fuckin shit they did looming over it

like, i only had two songs by grimes, and she’s technically not a sexual predator as far as we know, but i can’t fuckin listen to those anymore!!! like, its not a matter of ‘if i listen to these, i will be doing a morally bankrupt thing’, its a matter of ‘i can’t fucking hear these without thinking about how much of a stupid asshole grimes turned out to be’

said goodbye to fall out boy ages ago because of their pedophile bassist

in an incredibly ironic twist, i had just watched that feature length video essay about parasocial relationships, which reminded me that i hadn’t listened to the rest of The Mountain Goats’ Beat the Champ, was enjoying that, and then 5 days later it turns out that the dude emotionally preys upon his young queer fans- cool!!!! i liked a lot of their music for like, a couple years, but now listening to it feels like i’m listening to some creep’s carefully curated trauma in order to garner sympathy and approval from people a third his age!!!! fuck!!!

also i briefly was enjoying that new carseat headrest album, but then there was

the whole shit that went down regarding 4l*ng and discovering that the cr*wcillers person, who Mr. Carseatheadrest is a big fan of, is ALSO a b*byfur

i kept listening to his music after that like ‘well maybe he doesn’t approve??’ but i know that was bullshit- when i found out two weeks later or so that he was an ass about how sufjan stevens’ album about his mother’s death was ‘trying too hard to be sad’, i finally just gave up on his music. the second thing is much smaller than the first, but convinced me that if he’s a dick he probably doesn’t give a shit about the first thing and so now i can’t listen to that album either

i still listen to paul simon/simon & garfunkel occasionally, because the dude is dead, i’ve listened to it since i was very little, and it reminds me of good times i’ve spent with my dad, but he definitely got into physical altercations with at least one of his partners.

my dad also played a lot of moby in the car when he drove me to school as a kid, and i loved that dude’s boring electronic music for a very long time as a result (a few songs in particular i listened to when i went to japan for a week in 9th grade, and listening to them can remind me vividly about that trip), but moby’s an absolute fucking dumbass and i know that his music is widely regarded to be terrible, so that’s hard to listen to as well.

i dunno, i guess it just feels like... i mean, with artists like falloutboy or whatever, i’m REALLY glad that they were called out for what they did, and they deserve to be buried from public consciousness. their songs were often about the subject of that dude’s abuse, its super fucked up, and i’m really glad that we know now. but man, for some of the smaller stuff, i can’t say there isn’t a part of me that envies people who listened to music before the internet, and didn’t have to know every dumbass thing about the stupid people who make it, and when the musicians didn’t have a massive platform that allows them so many opportunities to fuck up publically

anyway, that’s a pretty selfish envy when it comes down to it. a lot of the artists that my brain reacts to like ‘well, if john darnielle and grimes and carseat headrest didn’t have the internet, they maybe never would have had the opportunity to do anything shitty’, are like... people who maybe wouldn’t even be making music or famous in the first place without the internet. or people who would have done shitty things anyway, but we wouldn’t know about it, and then their victims would have maybe never found a way to expose their abusers.

i think i’m just tired, like emotionally. a huge part of me kind of just doesn’t trust musicians (especially dudes) who make ‘deeply personal’ music anymore- like, when does it cross the line from creating media to help yourself and other people who experienced similar things cope, into exploiting other people who are hurting into worshipping and validating you and your pain?

i have a renewed appreciation in TMBG for making mostly character or conceptual songs and keeping a personal distance from their fanbase- i mean, i know they’re not beyond fucking up too, but i’m just so tired. i was so paranoid that when the aquabats made their kickstarter, as much as i’ve loved that band in the past, part of me doesn’t trust them not to fuck up so badly in the future that i’d have to trash all of their music?? i still haven’t donated, either to the first failed one or the relaunch- i’m tempted to, especially since they broke down where they planned to spend all the money they were looking for, but between the fear of betrayal and the fact that i probably shouldn’t be spending much money frivolously right now, its hard to justify it. i want the stickers, especially if any of them feature lil bat, but again: what if they turn out to be awful people?? does the fact that i’m so paranoid about it with the aquabats but not with a lot of other bands i listen to mean i’m on to something, or is that extremely unfair of me??

i need to open commissions and don’t have any excuse for not doing it anymore- i’m honest to god just scared. i’m scared that i’ll either price my artwork too low, or too high, or that i’ll get a commission and discover that i can’t draw what the commissioner wants, or that i’ll mess up the payment process or the taxes involved with doing freelance...

i’ll be honest, i keep doing those centibyte colors because there’s like, a clear end goal. finish all the colors! very simple. don’t know what to do? work on another color!! nothing to worry about, i can zone out and listen to music... but shit like, buying a new laptop, finding a job, opening commissions, personal projects... changing my residency to georgia (i think i missed the driver’s license transfer window and now i’m just... trying not to think about that. denial, heyy)

and i’d be lying if i said a big part of my incentive for making artwork isn’t for validation. one of the problems i have when i consider applying for a job is that i can’t sell myself- i simultaneously KNOW i’m qualified for jobs, like, i’m a fairly talented animator, if inexperienced, and i can draw appealing illustrations and creatures- but my insecurities kind of prevent me from being able to say ‘i’m an illustrator’ or ‘i would be a good fit for your company’. like, i’ve broken down and cried in college on multiple occassions- i really don’t want that to happen at a job??? plus, there aren’t a lot of positions open near me that i’m interested in, or that fit the criteria of what i can do, and combined with my fear to check for new ones...

so posting neopets fanart (or any fanart, really) on the internet is easy validation- i’m obsessed with seeing people enjoy my work, and that’s one of the other reasons i haven’t started my personal project. i want to tell a story, but i really want to tell it for me, without obsessing over how other people will react to it or if other people will like it. i kind of know that it isn’t a very good story?? i just want to put it into physical form, as a sort of emotional fulfillment to myself. i feel like i can only do that if i promise never to post it, but then in the back of my mind, there’s always a voice saying shit like “but if it turns out good... you could eventually post it”, sort of poisoning the whole thing. i haven’t even started. 

i improved so much at art after i started posting my art to the internet in high school, but i do miss how i would just draw and make stuff up for myself and my sisters when i was in middle school. some of my incentive WAS for people to eventually see it and enjoy it, in the case of when i was obsessed with designing toys, or writing a fantasy novel, but that kind of feedback was set in the distant future, and some of it was just for me, or for games i was playing with my sisters and friends. i want to figure out how to make stuff for me again

[angeltriestoblog]

Your Comprehensive Guide to Passing the College Entrance Tests

College entrance tests season is a time in my life that I look back on with equal parts pain and fondness, which somewhat serves as a justification as to why I’ve been putting off this post for so long. Although I spent many sleepless nights re-absorbing lessons I never even got in the first place—all while having to deal with agonizing self-doubt and anxiety—I guess it’s safe to say that it was all worth it. After all, ya girl passed three out of the four universities she applied for: I have yet to find out if UP is willing to take me under their wing, but whether or not they want me, I can say that I am very much contented with my results.

Since I feel I’m in a position to speak on a topic like this, I’m back at it again and ready to help anyone about to tackle the beasts that are the CETs this year. I’m dividing this post into three parts, which will contain tips on how to go about everything before, during and after taking what most consider to be the most important tests of your life. 

Obligatory disclaimer: This is ridiculously long and not everything that I’ve written here will apply to you, but hey, if I were you, I’d start taking down notes.

BEFORE THE TEST

One thing most people fail to stress when giving advice on this topic is the importance of adopting the best mindset. Understand that the CETs are a very serious and urgent matter, for you are tasked with preparing for the succeeding chapters of your life all within a short time frame, but at the same time, don’t allow the pressure that comes with it to lead to overthinking and comparison that will ultimately distract you from achieving your goal: passing. Stay driven and positive, and focus on yourself.

Now, on to the actual studying part. I’d hate to be the bearer of bad news, but the best way to breeze through these exams without breaking a sweat is by being a good student all throughout high school. Be the type to maintain a stellar general weighted average, keep all notes taken down during the past four years in an expanding file folder instead of using them to wrap dried fish and join as many extracurricular activities as possible. If you’ve already failed at this, it’s time to proceed to Plan B: review school.

I personally didn’t enroll in any classes over the summer, because I thought they only took place during the month of April, which was when my parents had scheduled our overseas trip for the year. Well, apparently, I couldn’t have been any less well researched and by the time I found out, it was already far too late. So, I had made the decision to opt for self-study. For some reason, I was the only one in the household who was worried out of my mind: my parents were very much convinced that I would be able to handle reviewing on my own, and prove that review school was not a requirement for acceptance into prestigious universities. I was touched by their unwavering confidence in me, but every word felt like an additional kilogram I had to carry on my back.

I got by through borrowing old review modules from my dentist (Tita Meng, I have no idea how you’re ever going to read this, but thank you so much for saving my life… and also straightening my teeth) and downloading sample tests from the Internet for me to test my knowledge later on. My efforts never felt like they were enough for me though: I remember looking up the curriculum for each subject I needed to tackle on the website of the Department of Education, researching each sub-topic that was vague to me and Khan Academy-ing my way to proficiency. Definitely an unnecessarily extra way to tackle the reviewing process, but hey, my mind was very much laden with doubt and I was willing to do the most. I also put up cartolinas on my bedroom walls with formulas for different Math and Science subjects, which proved itself useful since I actually spend a decent amount of my time staring off into space.

If the thought of doing all of this alone is stressing you out, then maybe it’s time to go down what is considered by most to be the safe route: enrolling in a review school. Doing so will provide you with all the lessons covered during high school in the form of actual lectures with qualified teachers, and hardbound notes that often come with sample tests that resemble the real thing. It guides you through the application process as well as gives updates on the schedules of most universities, and helps in parts of the test that cannot be achieved by poring over textbooks such as essay writing and even techniques for plain old guessing. All these benefits seem to provide their students with the confidence boost to top everything off, and I admit that I did feel inferior to most of my peers at some point for this reason. They all just seemed so put together, so at ease with their binders and pastel highlighters that it made me go through a period of regret and resentment. Do not let the perceived advantage they have blind you, though: do note that even if attending a review school helps you ace the entrance test, it does not measure your aptitude nor your ability to handle the workload that you will have to face as you make your way in the university of your choice.

Because I had to do everything alone, I had firsthand experience when it comes to waging a war with time: it was truly my biggest enemy during this point in my life. It’s obviously crucial to create a schedule and follow it regularly. If you’re anything like me, you’ve read this in several self-help books or heard this over and over again on productivity podcasts but planning truly is key. First, list down all the topics that you want to cover, complete with the estimated time it’ll take you to master them. Then, distribute them per day evenly so you don’t end up overwhelming yourself and cramming so much information in your head that you barely get to retain anything. It’s important to have a contingency plan ready as well, in case you needed more time digesting a particular topic.

Eliminate all distractions while reviewing. This is a cardinal rule for studying in general, so it will definitely increase in importance during a time like this. One thing I found important is to tell yourself why you have to do it, so it’s easier for you to follow through. For example, I’m pretty addicted to watching YouTube videos, so having to cut down my marathons and look at the number of videos on my Watch Later pile up was a bit painful at first. But upon conditioning my mind into thinking that I’d rather spend my five month summer vacation before college binge watching all the videos I had missed out on instead of looking for a university that was still ready to accept me, it was much easier for me to cut down on it.

Remember to prioritize breadth over depth. Cover as many topics as you possibly can, going over the basic concepts and important formulas. Then, knock yourself out with practice tests so that you’re fully familiarized with them by the time CETs roll in, because you never know how even the simplest questions can be twisted around to baffle you. A common mistake most incoming seniors make (myself included) is overthinking what could possibly be asked and going too into detail when reviewing.  In my defense, it seemed like the natural thing to do during a situation of panic but if I had only known, I would have been able to save so much of my time and devote it to mastering everything I had learned.

Don’t be afraid to ask for help if ever the need arises, whether it be from teachers, friends or upperclassmen. It might come off as a surprise to some of you, but there are many people who will be more than willing to help you, whether out of pity or genuine human decency. I asked tons of my classmates if I could borrow the notes they received from their review center, so I could learn more than I could have on my own (and maybe even compare their progress with mine). Sometimes, I’d disturb them at ungodly hours and call them up on Messenger to plead them to teach me the shortcuts in problem solving, mnemonics or acronyms. I was never the type of person to do that: honestly speaking, it felt like a direct blow to my pride to have to beg for something. But, it was my future at stake and upon remembering that, I no longer felt any shame [shrugs]

On another (but equally important) note: stay on top of your requirements for the different universities you’ll be applying to. Although they don’t normally start until July or August, it’s much better to get these out of the way as early as possible. Take it from me, who ran around Megamall looking for a photo studio a week before ACET apps needed to be passed. Stock up on ID pictures of different sizes, preferably 1x1, passport size and 2x2. Photocopy important documents like your birth certificate and grades forms, as well as your ID from the current or previous school year. Start thinking of who to ask recommendation letters from, brush up on your essay writing and interview skills and work on your CV if needed. Also, have a scanner ready if you plan on trying out for La Salle, since their application process is purely online. Be sure to keep track of your deadlines: don’t wait around for people to remind you, and please please please For The Love Of God do not cram everything until the very last second.

Strive to finish reviewing over summer break so you don’t have to worry about balancing CETs and academics, which is an entirely different playing field. I’ll come clean and say that I failed to do this, because there were still so many topics I couldn’t understand and questions I couldn’t find the answers to, even with the guidance of the Internet. Let me tell you, it was absolute hell as I didn’t have the time or brain capacity to digest lessons both for school and entrance tests. Please have mercy on yourself and focus on the classes you are to take during the school year, flipping through notes and flash cards sparingly when you have free time.

Now for the part that will probably be most useful to you all: the actual subject matter to study, focused specifically on the entrance tests for the Big 4 universities. Don’t use this as the sole basis of your review, since it’s not a guarantee that the topics covered this year will be the same as the succeeding ones. I remember looking up this one CET tips thread which said that the ACET was going to have mostly geometry-related questions. Since Ateneo is my dream school, I spent a ridiculous amount of time cramming everything from theorems to tangents in my head. So, you could just imagine my surprise when I actually took my test and was greeted by a maximum of four geom questions and a predominantly Algebra II and Trigonometry-centered Math portion.     

ACET

Language proficiency

This test will assess your knowledge on basic grammar: correct usage of verb tenses, S-V agreement, analogy-type and a cloze test, where you are required to fill in the blanks with the appropriate word for the sentence. It also included an essay question about a particular word that differed from session to session. I had to make one on the word “superstition”, so I had written something on how I didn’t believe in them because I was raised by my family with a very strong faith in God. One tip people give out a lot is to try and relate your answer to either love for God or being a man for others, but do it only if it doesn’t come out forced. From what I remember, we were given 50 minutes to answer all of this, and I don’t mean to come off as boastful but English is and has always been my first language, so it didn’t serve as a problem on my part.

Mathematical ability

This test is feared most by previous test takers, and it was only when I crawled my way through it that I realized why it has that reputation. It’s composed primarily of basic algebra, algebra II and trigonometry questions, all of which are quite lengthy and require a decent amount of time to think through, especially if you’re not really the best in this subject.

Abstract reasoning

This test… Boy, what do I even say? It requires you to pick out the figure or shape that completes the pattern. There were 30 items all in all that needed to be accomplished within 10 minutes, and I couldn’t tell anything apart from each other. I feel anyone who tells you they took this test seriously and finished it without breaking a sweat is just messing with you. I don’t think there’s any way to answer this test without turning to our old friend (the shotgun method).

Logical reasoning

This test includes questions with a set of premises that you are supposed to analyze, and a list of choices containing possible conclusions that can be drawn from them. Your task is to pick the most logical one, which sounds like common sense at first. Apparently, this was a topic discussed in General Math, so there is a certain set of rules to follow. Not only did I not remember ever taking this up in my life, but I also skipped it during review so I had to borrow my classmate’s book and cram everything I could during ACET week (DEFINITELY NOT ADVISABLE). There was one part of the test that involved a lot of technical terms, which I did not read about or study but thank God ya girl was desperate enough and ended up finding hints in the instructions!

Vocabulary

Pretty self-explanatory type of test, with 25 words in five minutes. It seems overwhelming, but contrary to popular belief, it’ll be easy even for those who aren’t voracious readers.

Reading comprehension

This test will require you to fully understand the message of the text, and apply it practically or draw sensible conclusions from it. I breezed through this one as well, because I’ve been reading since I was in the womb, but this can prove to be difficult for those who aren’t used to it. I’ve been seeing this tip circulating that goes “Look at the questions first before the passage itself, so you know what to find” and although it can fool just about any lazy reader out there, I tried it for myself during the ACET because I was in the mood and it didn’t help me at all. If anything, it just slowed me down because I was doing twice the work: looking at the question then going over the whole thing to find the answer, then repeating the process instead of just reading the text once.

Numerical ability

This test was all word problems—age, work, mixture, speed—with a dash of ratio, proportion and variation. This was the last portion of the ACET, and not only was my brain fried to a crisp but I was also very eager to leave so this definitely made me want to scream as I was taking it. It could have been much easier if I had memorized the exact formulas, and practiced lots so I could work rapidly without sacrificing accuracy.

DCAT

Mema test

I don’t know the actual name of this test, but I called it as such because it was so all over the place it felt like the ones in charge of making the DCAT looked at the final draft, saw they were an entire subtest short and crammed these questions two hours before the deadline. It was a mix of both abstract reasoning and vocabulary, and was generally easy: the AR patterns were understandable and didn’t require a lot of analysis, while the vocab words were very few and quite common.

Math I

I read in this one CET tips post that this portion was, and I quote, “pretentiously difficult and time-consuming” and it’s absolutely true! It’s big on derivations of formulas and advanced concepts in algebra, it barely had any basics much to my dismay. My mental block during this part was at its peak: I didn’t know how to solve anything, so I simply substituted each of the missing values in the problem with a number and worked it around until both sides of the equation were equal. That obviously took a lot of effort, which stemmed from my refusal to let go of an item until I feel like I’ve tried my best in solving it. But, it doesn’t have to be the case for you, especially if you’re terribly pressed for time: don’t hesitate to skip if you can’t move forward!

Math II + logical reasoning

Undoubtedly the hardest part of the exam, because no one saw it coming and thus, no one was able to prepare for it. And to think I was already warned by my friends who took the DCAT the week before I did to review statistics: I went through my notes from Grade 9 on combination and permutation, completely unaware that it was going to focus on hypothesis testing and estimation of parameters, which we failed to cover in Grade 11. I thought I’d be able to get by, I remember even praying that there would be only a few items but the entire test revolved around it so I almost literally crawled my way through. As for logic, it was alright until they started using technical terms like I had no idea what modus ponus (hocus pocus?) is and I don’t think I’ve ever had to study that in my life, so I think it’s safe to say I didn’t perform well there.

Reading comprehension

This was pretty similar to the ACET, so the same description and tips apply. Nothing to worry about.

EAPP/Research

This test was the plot twist of the year: DLSU completely took out the traditional type of English subtest (identifying errors, vocabulary, cloze test, etc.) and replaced it with citing in APA format, the principles of academic writing and the parts of a research paper. I had no idea that this was going to be included, and thankfully, those who enrolled in review centers didn’t either so we were all pretty much on equal footing. But, I walked out of it without a scratch: I guess it’ll be easy for you if you contribute to the making of your research papers, but if you’re a freeloader, ayan diba sinabi ko sa inyo may araw rin kayong lahat O ETO NA YUN

Science

This test covers the four major areas: earth science, biology, chemistry and physics. It was so much easier than I expected, because it only centered on terms and definitions of important concepts. I was most worried about the physics portion, since I’ve always considered it to be my waterloo, so you could just imagine my relief when I saw that it was very formulas-based and could be aced by anyone who took it up in Grade 10. (Super long run-on sentence, I’m sorry) I definitely wouldn’t have been able to survive it without the help of Tyler DeWitt, the best Chemistry teacher anyone could ever ask for – I found him on YouTube during a moment of desperation and binge-watched all his videos the day before DCAT, and he is probably the sole reason behind my success.

Life skills

The easiest and best part of the DCAT, because it’s simply a test of your character. It provides you with a set of situations, and all you have to choose which one best applies to you—so, yes there are no wrong answers. It’s easy to think that the most logical way to answer would be to feign sainthood and pick which one makes you look like an Ideal Lasallian/Catholic/Person, but I advise you to stay as true to yourself as possible. Those in admissions have probably seen many people apply this strategy in the past, and will most likely appreciate your honesty and view it as a way of seeing a true glimpse of your character.

UPCAT

Language proficiency

I think I was only sure of about 75% of my answers in this test, and to think this was the easiest part of the UPCAT for me as language is supposed to be my forte. Although it revolved around the basics—identifying errors in sentences, cloze set, rearrangement of sentences to form a paragraph and vocabulary—it came in both English and Filipino, which really tired me out early on.

Science

Hardest test of them all, to the point that taking it felt like my brain was getting hit by different trucks all at once. It covered all four major areas, including earth science. There were a ton of tables, graphs and diagrams that needed to be interpreted, and experiments to be analyzed: it’s big on practical applications and understanding of concepts. Don’t memorize any formulas, acronyms and mnemonics as you definitely will not need it at all.

Math

This test ran through a little bit of everything: from basic algebra to geometry, trigonometry, word problems and even statistics, sequences and number theory. It’s important to memorize all the formulas and learn how to solve problems fast even if they’ve already been twisted around. Math has never been my strong suit, so at this point, I was very close to hyperventilating. I even remember shading the wrong circles for ten questions in a row because I skipped one item. I also took around three bathroom breaks at this point, and spent 30 seconds sat on the toilet praying.

Reading comprehension

This was the first time I ever loathed this kind of test, when it’s supposed to be my strong point. It’s just that the previous subtests were so mentally and emotionally draining, that I didn’t have the brainpower to tackle it. It didn’t help at all that the passages chosen for the UPCAT were not the usual narrative types that are actually entertaining to read, but were incredibly information and detail-heavy. (They made really good memes on Twitter, though: no one was over the patis, newsboy or Super Ferry 9 for a long while.) The best thing to do at this point would be to go for the easiest and shortest ones first, to give your brain time to repair and prepare itself.

USTET

Mental ability

This test seeks to assess your common sense through a mix of logical reasoning, analogical and basic language and arithmetic problems. I don’t think I have to give you tips about this part at all, because it’s that easy.

Science

This test also includes question on all four major areas, but the main difference is that there are close to no practical applications of concepts – surprisingly, UST only cares about the definition of terms. Thus, intensive review probably won’t be needed: you could just skim through your notes from junior high school and have a good grasp of what’s going to be included.

Math

This test had mostly basic algebra and geometry, as well as some word problems – nothing too difficult. One other fun thing was that there was so many of the same type of question, so if you have the formulas memorized and a certain technique in answering, you could get so many (if not all) correctly.

English

This test focused mainly on basic grammar, figures of speech and subject-verb agreement. There was also a tiny part about oral communication and research, which I wasn’t able to prepare for but it’s a good thing I actually bothered paying attention to my teacher in Grade 11 or else I wouldn’t have been able to answer a thing.

THE DAY BEFORE – DURING THE TEST

Now, normally people would tell you to rest the day before any big test: drop all books and notes and mentally psych yourself for the battle up ahead in the form of face masks and comfort food. Although it sounded incredibly tempting, I obviously didn’t follow it because I was running short on time and had so many things I had yet to fully understand. Contrary to popular belief, I didn’t experience any adverse effects and even retained everything I had crammed into my head. So, you’re technically still allowed to review: run through flash cards and try a bit more practice problems if you wish. The only thing you have to make sure of is that you do not stay up late: sleep is crucial for memory retention and BASTA PARA DI KA LUTANG, and you do not want to realize that you’ve taken it for granted on such an important date.

Pack all your essentials the night before in (preferably) a small backpack that you can easily lug around. Bring two #2 Mongol pencils, an eraser, your test permit, a school ID just in case and food to snack on: my personal favorites of the season were seaweed crisps that I got for a buy one, take one deal in Robinsons Supermarket, raisins and trail mix. Scientific studies in the past have claimed that chewing motions can help stimulate your brain, but I just believe it just doesn’t feel right to engage in battle on an empty stomach. Coordinate with friends who’ll be in the same testing center as you, in case you won’t be able to survive in such an environment without someone to sympathize with you. Personally, I didn’t bother meeting up with friends for three out of my four tests because I wanted to feel independent and possibly run into new people.

If you’re anything like me and you hold on to God for dear life in almost every situation that brings you difficulty, don’t forget to pray for enlightenment and the capacity to accept His will, whatever it may be. As much as possible, try to hear Mass the day before your entrance test. Funny story, I was supposed to do this on ACET Eve, but we got stuck in traffic and missed the opportunity to. I ended up running to my parish while the staff were closing it (I didn’t even know that was a thing – what about the troubled souls who need guidance in the wee hours of the morning!) and muttering the most desperate prayer under my breath in a minute. I even lit a candle outside because I wanted to pass Ateneo that badly. Looking back, I found that it helped me lots because I was able to lift up all my worries to Him so I wouldn’t have to bring them along with me the next day.

On the test day itself, the best weapon to have in your arsenal is a good mindset. Walk into the testing center like you already passed, stroll along the corridors like it’s your first day in that university and look at every question as another step closer to freedom. Do not overthink or panic: I know it is much easier said than done, but it won’t hurt to fake it till you make it (sometimes, in situations like this, it’s the best option available).

Keep track of time limits: don’t be afraid to glance at the wall clock or your wristwatch from time to time so you can pace yourself properly. Don’t take too long on one item: if you don’t know what to do with it in 20 seconds, just come back to it when you have extra minutes to spare. If you’re not sure about the answer to an item, make the most intelligent guess you can by racking your brain for the very limited stock knowledge you have on that topic. Choose one letter to be your go-to choice if you really don’t know the answer: mine was C (for Christ, truly) although I don’t know if that’s still a wise decision because universities might start picking up on this strategy.

Look back on all your answers: if you have the luxury of time, re-read everything from the instructions to the passages to the choices provided, because sometimes, even if you were 110% sure of what you were answering during that moment, you may have missed something important. If you happen to be one of those beasts who come prepared enough and you’re completely sure of everything already, catch a quick nap to recharge those batteries instead of scouting for attractive fellow test-takers. I swear, there will be many more of them in college: at present, it’s best to exhaust all efforts into actually getting a university.

AFTER THE TEST

The minute the proctor makes you put your pencil down one last time and submit the questionnaire forward, let it go. Completely forget that it happened: don’t spend the succeeding days discussing answers with peers, as it will almost always end with you regretting things you can no longer change. Do not keep a countdown until judgment day ticking in your head either: choose to take this time to let your life return to its normal state. Shift your focus back to your academics for the school year, and be preoccupied with your interests once again during your free time. Remember to treat yourself as well, because we all know it’s not easy to study while simultaneously worrying about your future. After all my CETs, I made sure to eat out with my family and spoil myself with chick flick marathons and skin care products. Most importantly, be sure to keep praying as it is the key to accepting what happens in the future and regaining peace of mind. As cheesy as it sounds, trust in God’s plan for You and know that He has a reason for everything that is about to happen.

Now, on to the final stretch: the release of results. (This is a pretty timely thing to be talking about right now, since as of this writing, I’m waiting for UP to make a move within the week) If you pass your dream school—or any university for that matter—congratulations! Your hard work has finally paid off, and the promising future you’ve built up in your head is slowly turning into a reality. Don’t forget to thank all those who made this possible for you: God, your family, friends and teachers who believed in you through every sleepless night and mid-morning breakdown. Remain humble though, and be careful not to gloat in front of those who didn’t pass. I know you’re not really obliged to act a certain way to please them, especially during a time as joyous as this, but it’s all a matter of empathy: I’m sure you’d feel the same way if the roles were reversed. One thing you’re left to decide with if you’re lucky enough to pass more than one college is where you’re headed off to. Personally, it’s course over school: go for the program that suits you best and will help you pursue the career path you wish, since that will do you more good in the future than the reputation of any institution. If you are not entirely convinced by that spiel, do not hesitate to ask help from those you trust most: preferably family members, teachers and counselors. I left out friends, because I don’t think it’s a wise decision to choose a specific school just because that’s where they’re headed.

If you fail to make the cut, however, indulge in your right to cry right now. I’m sure that it must be disheartening, planning out a future in a school that ended up “rejecting” you in the end, but news flash: the race does not finish here! Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and get ready for the results of the other schools you have applied for. Be sure to surround yourself with only people who are capable of uplifting your spirits and helping you believe in yourself during such a trying time. If the worst case scenario happens and you are left with no college at the end of the day, it’s time to get hustling: look for universities that are still accepting applications (some schools out there have entrance tests every month, and results come out instantly), or send in letters of appeal if ever you truly have your eyes set on a specific campus. That’s not something I have much expertise on though, but almost everything you will need to know is on the school’s official website.

And, there you have it! Everything I could tell you about the college entrance tests! I spent approximately three days trying to kick my writing slump in the ass: my eyes hurt and I may be suffering from carpal tunnel but all of that means nothing as long as I’ve been able to guide one hopeless soul out of the dark. (Yes, I patterned that after my comprehensive guide to surviving Grade 11 – my brain is dying, and I have no time to think of an ending catchier than that.) I’m on summer break now and I’ll be going to Korea next week, so expect a lot of lighter and more amusing content!

Stay in school, kids!

Angel