#I wonder what the letter is about.
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Daroga… I wonder who the letter is from.
#phantom of the opera#poto#the phantom of the opera#gaston leroux#the daroga#the persian#daroga#daroga poto#pharoga#<- vaguely#Erik x daroga#ACFSart#Sorry I know the poll isn’t done yet but..#I wonder what the letter is about.
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i see you saying that it’s heartbreaking that wymack set up the foxes to help people with trauma but couldn’t help his own son and i raise you: wymack saved kevin before kevin left the nest, without even knowing. kevin never would have left the nest if he didn’t have somewhere to go, and wymack - with the media attention he garnered with the foxes - became such a trustworthy figure in kevin’s mind that he didn’t doubt for a second that wymack would take him in and keep him as safe as he could. wymack did help kevin, before they had even met each other, by being such a strong beacon of hope that kevin was drawn to him despite the fact that he was raised and abused in a cult and probably found trusting anyone difficult, let alone someone he hadn’t met.
something else to consider: the foxes are still a newish team (if i remember correctly seth’s year is their first year, dan is their second, meaning neil is their fifth), and jean tells neil that kevin only found out wymack was his dad a few years ago when neil is in the nest. this means that kevin will have been aware of who wymack was - outside of wymack having played the sport prior to coaching - and would have seen the type of person he was before he knew they were related. he’d have witnessed from after wymack fighting tooth and nail to support his foxes despite all the mess, the tragedies, would have seen him staying firm in his belief in second chances BEFORE he found out wymack was his dad.
think - kevin saying to jean imagine having that. jean would say it’s a publicity stunt, it’s not real, those types of people don’t exist and kevin would agree and say they’re a shit team anyway, but something about wymack always rang true to him. maybe after that conversation he didn’t bring it up - other than to say i think my mother would’ve liked dan wilds when it’s announced she’s the new captain. but he still sees wymack’s actions in his periphery, and it’s enough to build up a picture of him as someone who is real. and then he finds out it’s his dad
imagine how that would have been for kevin - going from living in a cult, cut off from any family he may have had after kayleigh’s death to suddenly being told he has a dad, and that dad is the type of person who would have risked himself if he knew what was happening to kevin.
#the conversation between jean and wymack in tsc about why wymack would help kevin broke me can u tell#god i just wonder what went through kevin’s head when he found out wymack was his dad#i wonder if he was ever angry#at wymack for not knowing#at his mum for making tetsuji his guardian rather than wymack#tho i can’t really remember if it’s said that kayleigh chose for tetsuji to be kevin’s guardian if anything happened to her#or if tetsuji just swept in after her death to take kevin#but considering she was never planning on telling wymack he was the father i assume it was the latter??#nora did say in the EC that kayleigh never had any idea of who tetsuji really was so it may be that#i wonder what would’ve happened to kevin if he’d never found that letter#aftg#kevin day#david wymack
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☆ de fontaine
{☆} characters furina {☆} notes cult au, imposter au, drabble, gender neutral reader {☆} warnings angst, suicidal thoughts, hurt / no comfort {☆} word count 1.4k
This wasn't fair. This wasn't fair. This wasn't fair!
She thought, for one moment, she could put the mask down and breathe – for one moment of daydreaming, she thought she could just be Furina. She thought she would finally get to live the live she should've had in the first place, the life she threw away to play God to an audience who saw her as nothing but a circus animal, dancing to their whims. Furina just wanted to be selfish for one brief and fleeting moment..and it was gone before she could even grasp it in her hand. A comet soaring past far out of her reach.
She can barely keep her hands from violently shaking as she looks down at them – broken and bloody and more a corpse then a person – and she feels so numb she can't even feel the rain pelting against her back. None of this is fair, she wants to scream, why is it always me? But her voice is silent beneath the torrent of rain. She wonders if the ocean would take her if she sank into it's depths – just for a moment, she wonders how it would feel to finally be able to sleep at ease.
Furina is tired.
But Furina is nothing if not useful, isn't she?
So she forces her feet to move, dragging against the stone beneath her heels, and drags their bloodied body into the nearest empty building, letting the rain do the work of washing away the smeared blood following her path. The smell makes her feel sick, the feeling of it sticking to her hands and gloves makes her lightheaded, but she persists. Because Furina is useful, because Furina won't let them die out in the rain, because Furina won't stand by and just let them rot on the streets like some..pest.
Furina wants to go home. She wants to sleep and she isn't she if she wants to wake up, this time. But she keeps going anyway.
Because it's all she's ever done, and the habit sticks.
An Archon she may not be, not anymore, but the expectations of five hundred years still linger like eyes on the inside of her skull. They watch her, pry and prod at her thoughts, mocking laughter and judging eyes following her as she forces herself to dance to the song they weave with glee. Furina never stepped off that stage – she's still there, she thinks, watching the crowd stare at her in disdain as the curtain call looms above her like a guillotine. She still hears Neuvillette deliver her damnation and salvation with a trembling voice, still feels her hair stand on end when electro crackled like the crack of the whip, Clorinde's blade aimed at her like a loaded gun.
She's trapped on that stage and she never left, not really.
She hates it. She thinks she hates them, but it's not their fault. They didn't ask for this, didn't ask for everyone to turn against them, didn't ask for her to save them. Neither did she..yet here they are, she thinks.
She tries to tell herself she's in control this time, though. She can stop performing her part in this horrible, bloody play any time she wants. It makes her feel better, just for a little while, if she convinces herself she's still Furina, painfully human.
And Furina has always been good at lying.
It's the believing that's the hard part.
There isn't time for her to wallow in her own self pity, though. They're still bleeding out onto the dusty, creaky floorboards of some random, broken down house and she's just standing there as the blood stains the wood. She can fix it – she's good at fixing things. She's done nothing but fix things – try to, anyway – for five hundred years. She can fix a little wound, how hard could it be? Her hands are clenched so tight they ache as she kneels down, wincing at the creak of the floorboards beneath her heels– she hesitates just long enough to wonder if she's making a mistake before she peels away just enough of the outer layer of their clothes to see the deep, bloody gash across their chest. She tries not to think about it – it's deep, too deep, and she feels dizzy just looking at it, but she's handled worse, right?
Furina can fix it. That's what she's good at.
She doesn't feel so confident when she tries to wrack her brain for..something. Five hundred years, and a little wound stumps her? No, she had to have learned something, right? She's decidedly not trying to buy time because she's panicking, parsing through hundreds of years of memories like flipping through a book. Furina isn't made for this, not really – she's running on nothing but adrenaline and she's really not sure what she's doing, but she's trying. And just like before, it won't be enough, will it?
She'll fall short again – she'll be too late to fix it before she's alone again.
Furina was an Archon..used to be. What use would she have for that sort of knowledge? Which makes her predicament all the more harrowing and bleak. What was she supposed to do?
Furina had heard it first hand, that vitriol in Neuvillette's voice. She isn't sure she's ever heard him that..angry before. She's not sure he would listen to her if she tried, either. And that scares her more then anything. All of Fontaine was up in arms about this..imposter, yet here she was, staring down at them bleeding out in front of her, and she was trying to save them.
Why? Why is she throwing away her only chance at normalcy for a fraud? Why didn't she just turn them in?
They were dying – that should've been a good thing, shouldn't it? So why didn't it feel like it?
"Why you?" Her voice breaks as she speaks in harsh tones, grabbing the front of their shirt in trembling, bloodied hands. "Why now?" She wants to scream, to demand answers they can't give, to claw back the reprieve she was promised after five hundred years of agony..and all she can do is sob into their chest, pleading for an answer that will not come. "Why me?"
Silence is their answer, and it hangs heavy on her trembling shoulders as she cries.
Of course they don't, she thinks bitterly, no one has ever answered her pleas spoken in hushed sobs. Not her other self and certainly not them.
Furina has always been alone. Furina will always be alone.
Because Furina never left that stage, never left that moment when she looked at herself in the mirror and took up a mantle too heavy for her to bear. She always finds her way back eventually. There's no one on the other side anymore – she stands alone on a stage, waiting for an inevitable end she isn't sure will come.
"Please," She pleads through tears and choked sobs, clinging to them like they are all that keeps her from sinking. "Please don't leave me, too." The words burn on her tongue – how pathetic is she that she craves companionship from the bloodied body of the imposter? Perhaps she's truly lost her mind after all these years..perhaps she's finally gone mad. She must have.
But their presence is like the first feeling of gentle warmth upon her skin as the sun crests the horizon, like the gentle lap of tides along her heels, the sway of branches and leaves as the wind blows through them like an instrument all it's own. They are the soothing sound of rain against the window as she watches the dreary skies in fond longing, the first bloom of spring as color blooms upon the landscape like paint had been spilled across the hills and valleys.
They are like the faint spark she carefully nurtures and stokes, so fragile even the smallest wind could blow it out like a candle. She cradles it within her palms, pleads with whoever will listen – prays that someone finally listens, because if not for her, then for them.
She's failed to protect too much already, let too many people with so much trust in her fall between the cracks of her fingers like grains of sand. She won't let them go – she can't.
If nothing else, if she couldn't be saved when she begged for salvation from that five hundred year long agony, even if she never got that chance..
Furina will make sure they do.
#sagau#genshin sagau#self aware genshin#genshin impact sagau#self aware genshin impact#genshin cult au#genshin impact cult au#fic tag#furina#so um. looks around. okay look. i know im like THE ts@r1ts@ dealer (censored so it doesnt show in tags. hopefully)#but the moment i saw furi in fontaine the day it released she became my fav even more then the tsaritsa SORRY SHES SO..#this is my love letter 2 furi (making her suffer unimaginable horrors)#open ended kinda in case i decide on making a sequel maybe#furi makes me feel cuteness aggression so bad i start acting like a rabid animal#furina the woman that you are. thats my girlprince meow meow id kill someone for her#playing her part as archon so well but being so horribly irrefutably human in every way..#five hundred years not even knowing what the real plan was. when it would end. knowing if she slipped up it was over.#and in the end almost no one knew what really happened. a select few people know the real weight of her sacrifice.#furina's story was always a tragedy. it was never going to be anything but a tragedy.#and thats one of the most tragic parts of it isnt it? she didnt know how itd end. she didnt know her story was always going to be a tragedy#furina never knew a thing. and still she did it for the people of fontaine and succeeded.#how do you define “yourself” when you havent existed for 500 years?#to be so selflessly human you give up “yourself” to save people who will never know of your sacrifice.#sometimes i think about the confrontation on the stage and have a week long mental breakdown#sacrificing EVERYTHING for fontaine and still. still! the people closest to you turn on you.#heavy on clorinde. she was as close 2 furi as neuvi fight me on this. i bite.#her bodyguard and friend and she ends up staring down her blade wondering if this is it. she failed. she failed them all#because even when faced with the trial. with losing everything. she still thought only about fontaine. oh furina.#do you think she has nightmares. wonders if she was never meant to win this game of g-ds. that her story was always meant to be a tragedy?#do you think she still wonders if she was ever meant to have a chance at a happy ending? a doomed tragedy from beginning to end
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remember when fitz said in fool's assassin that it had taken him YEARS to accept beloved wasn't coming back? that he had waited for him, some part of his soul still dangling? waited like a dog told to sit and stay? that he had slowly begun to believe beloved didn't care about him anymore? that only after that did he really start to mourn? that he had obsessed over it for years, trying to excuse it? that he had chewed on one single line beloved had left him over and over and over, even going as far to question their friendship? that the scar of beloved's absence never healed? that the act of trying to understand his life years earlier turned into the act of trying to understand beloved? that he was never whole again after beloved left? that he likened the loss of beloved to nighteyes' death multiple times? remember that? yeah.
#i cant think about withywoods era fitz too long without becoming nauseous#remember when he went to beloveds old home in the mountains and stood before it like a lovesick fool then went in to talk w jofron like a#lovesick fool and felt the SHARPEST GREENEST ENVY he had EVER felt over jofron getting letters from beloved instead of him and sulking#about it all the way home ?? yeah i need to fucking kill myself#or him missing beloved more and more when he thought he was losing molly wonder what thats about#fitzloved#fool's assassin#rote#realm of the elderlings#rote spoilers#fitzchivalry farseer#beloved#fitz and the fool trilogy
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Porcelain Steve - Part 6
Part One🦇Part Two🦇Part Three🦇Part Four🦇Part Five🦇Part Six🦇Part Seven🦇Part Eight🦇Part Nine
Even though he's expecting company, Eddie still jumps and yelps when his front door flies open without so much as a knock, revealing Dustin and Will.
"I know I said to let yourselves in, but a warning knock would have been nice," Eddie shoots them a glare, not bothering to stand from the couch where he'd been pretending to watch whatever terrible daytime movie was playing.
"Sorry," Will apologizes sheepishly while Dustin just laughs.
"Which of your moms dropped you off? If it's Claudia, I'm filing a complaint about how you were raised."
"Har har," Dustin says, swinging his backpack off and knelling down to unzip and dig into it. "We biked here."
"Lucky you, then. The complaint will wait."
Dustin wrestles a blanket from his backpack. Unwrapping it reveals Steve, hair rumpled but otherwise unharmed. "Alright. Delivered safely. We gotta go meet El and Mike now but we'll see you on Saturday, right?"
Eddie sets Steve on the couch, angled towards the TV. "Yeah. I get the feeling if I don't show for the barbeque that Joyce will show up here and drag me there by my ear."
"She would," Will confirms with an easy shrug. The boys turn to leave before Will exclaims, "Oh! Almost forgot!" before digging into his pocket for something, turning around to give it to Eddie.
"What?"
"El and Steve spoke again. He had a lot of things to say. I spent a good portion of the last three days writing down everything as El repeated it to me. This is your letter," he says, having successfully pulled out what looked to be a folded piece of paper out of his pocket.
"Oh," Eddie takes it, and realizes it's not just one folded piece of paper, but three. "Wow."
"Seems you are Steve's second favorite," Dustin grins at him from the doorway.
"You are first, I assume?"
"No. Robin is. She got five pages."
That tracks, actually. Eddie's not surprised Robin got the most pages.
Soon enough, the boys are off and Eddie returns to the couch, pulling his legs up to sit crisscross. "Alright, Stevie, let's see what you have to say."
He unfolds the pages completely and is met with Will's now familiar penmanship scrawled across the sheets of wide rule paper that has clearly been ripped from a composition notebook. He's seen Will's handwriting plenty over this last year, quickly scribbling notes during DnD sessions and on the little item cards Will makes himself to hand out when he DMs.
Will's handwriting isn't always the neatest, but this looks like Will took time, wanted his writing to be legible. Flipping through the papers he sees it is two pages, front and back, of a letter, and the third page is a list of questions in a different, neater handwriting. He gets the feeling that Will probably didn't paraphrase anything. How many people got letters? How much of Will and El's time was devoted to doing just this?
Eddie feels emotional over this, misty-eyed and a lump in his throat, and he hasn't even read the damn letter yet.
"Shit, Stevie, do you even realize how loved you are?" Eddie asks out loud, turning to look at Porcelain Steve like he might answer him this time. Blank hazel eyes stare forward. Eddie shakes his head, to clear away his thoughts, and gets to reading. Not out loud, because he doesn't want Steve to hear how wet his voice will sound.
Eddie,
I guess the first thing I want to say is thank you. I was kind of freaking out when I first woke up like this. It was calming, that day on the lawn, after Robin and Nancy found me. You were so chill and just chatted my ear off like you would have if I were, like, there. I mean, there there and not like, doll-there, if you get what I mean.
Shit, man, being stuck like this would have been a hell of a lot worse without you, I'm certain. Everyone's been great, of course, and, like, no offense meant, Will and El, but you act most normal. Helps me feel, well, I don't know how, exactly. Describing emotions is not something I'm like, good at. Robin's great, too, but she catastrophizes, you know? And since I can't speak back, she can get herself pretty worked up about this and I hate that. Hate that I can't do anything to help her.
Shit. This isn't your issue. Don't include that. No, wait, do. Sorry, El. (It is here, off in the margin, that Will has added 'I wrote everything word for word. Enjoy the asides to El and me.) Hanging out with you helps her, I think. She seems less anxious on days we spend with you. So, I guess, I also want to thank you for that. For being there for Robin when I can't.
Eddie has to pause there because he had no idea. Robin has been a grounding force for him this whole time. He had no idea he was doing the same for her. She never said, or let on... well, that was probably her goal and now Steve's spilled the beans.
This is getting easier to say, even if I still don't know how to feel about the other two people who are going to be privy to everything said, or I guess from your end, written here. (Here, Will has transcribed a conversation they seemed to have had in the middle of writing this up.) Oh. He means us. - El Yes. Don't worry Steve, we'll do our best to forget everything you've said once it's written down. - Will Steve laughed and says thanks. - El I appreciate that but- well, being honest there's some things I want to say but I don't want anyone else to hear. Those conversations are better left face to face, anyway. So, uhh, what else did I want to say?
Oh! Yeah, I told Robin she could drive around the Bimmer, so she can have a car while I'm- so she doesn't have to bike everywhere but knowing her she probably won't take me up on that offer. Maybe you can talk her into it? Or, maybe she'll be willing to drive your van around and you can take the bimmer.
"Jesus, Stevie, can't you just be okay with existing?" Eddie says it under his breath and tenses instantly. For a moment, he forgot that Steve was right there on the couch with him, could hear him. Now he has to explain himself because Steve's already heard, and without the context of how Eddie really means those words, they can sound judgmental. "Shit. Sorry. I just read the part about your car and, dude, you just don't know how to not try and be helpful, huh? I bet it's destroying you on the inside that you can't do anything. But Steve, you gotta know, we don't care about you because you're useful."
Steve, of course, can't reply, so Eddie goes back to the letter.
Uh, what else was there? Oh! Yeah! I don't get migraines here. Or, in this body? Or, whatever it is. I haven't had one since this happened. Also, no hearing issues. Though I find myself wishing to be completely deaf sometimes. I get that Max can listen to Kate Bush for a week straight, but I'd like a little variety. God, what I wouldn't give to listen to the Top 40 again. Don't say anything, Munson. I can already see your judgmental face at my music taste. Unlike you, I have the ability to like multiple types of music. The Top 40 AND that one song from, uhh, shit. Might not have migraines or hearing issues at the moment, but the memory is still as it was. Which means it is shit. That one song by that metal band where their name sounds like it's metal? You know who I mean. (In the margin, Will has just written five little question marks in a row ?????)
"The band you were thinking of, it's Metallica," Eddie says.
Not important. But, uh, the reason for telling you this. I was hoping you might smuggle me to a show the next time your band plays at the Hideout? Last time I tried to go it was too loud and gave me a migraine, you remember, but I think that I could listen to your whole show like this. We might as well take advantage of the perks of this shit situation, right? So, uh, I wouldn't mind if you did that. Or, like, had Robin or someone else bring me. Whichever.
Actually, wait, I lied, I do care which way. I've already had them pen down Robin's letter, so you'll have to pass this on, but I want Robin to take me. So, I can also watch the show, not just listen. That was the part I liked most, when I went last time, before I had to leave. Wait. Scratch that. Ask Argyle. Other than you, he seems like the only person willing to be caught holding me in public, mostly because I don't think he even knows how to be embarrassed. Jesus that was such a weird sentence to say. Holding me in public. Such a weird thing to experience, too.
Uh, anyway, I think that's it for now. Thanks for everything, Eddie.
"I think you're handling this loss of bodily autonomy rather well, Steve. This letter is a lot more positive than the one I would have written if our roles were reversed," Eddie says with a sigh. He can't help but wonder what Steve would have said in this letter if it hadn't had to be filtered through two teenagers first.
He looks to the last page, the list of questions, and is surprised to see that, mixed in with questions about which sports team is winning (he is not going to watch Sportsball for Steve. There has to be a line drawn somewhere and this is it. He will ask Wayne about it later and hate the glee he sees in his uncle's eyes because now he's going to have to pretend to like sports for the unforeseeable future) and for honest updates about their friends are questions about Eddie's campaign that he's rambled on about since Steve can't escape. Steve wants spoilers, wants to know what Eddie has planned.
Steve has actually been listening. He'd been operating on the assumption Steve just tunes him out when he gets going, unable to stop his brain to mouth filter when it comes to talking about Dungeons and Dragons and his current campaign.
"I'm at your list of questions now. I can't answer anything about sports, and don't think I'm unaware of how you asked me and not Lucas. I see what you are doing and I'm not going to fall for it. So, your first non-sportsball question here; How is Dustin doing, really? Well, that's a whole thing but overall, okay."
#steddie#my fic#porcelain steve#having steve write letters to everyone was sparked by jonathans even tho the wonder twins dont admit that#it was a passing comment when he walked in on Will explaining the difference between sorcerer and warlock to El and Porcelain Steve#just a quick 'i wonder what steve would have to say about this if he could talk'#and will and el were like! yes! what WOULD he say? El talk to him#and it evolved from there#also its not said because how would Eddie know? but the list of questions in different handwriting is Joyce's#to avoid campaign spoilers for Will‚ el asked joyce to write that part#they go through all the questions but im not writing those#this was mostly to get a little bit of Steve in here#feels weird to write a steddie fic where steve hasnt even spoken until 9k+ words into the fic#especially since i am NOT a slow burn person‚ not that i count this as slow burn#how do you define slow burn? does this count? help a girl out and let me know
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The other day I freaked out bc I offered my friend some CBD gummies, then she offered to some her mom, and it wasn't until after her mom took it that I realized that with the 500mg CBD it also included 25mg THC and her mom wasn't a weed user so she was about to experience being high for the first time. After a while she started doing some chores, asking very philosophical questions, giggling at her own jokes, and was extremely happy. She ended up coming up to me and thanking me, saying they helped her immensely, including taking away a lot of her joint pain. So it ended up going well! But damn I felt like a piece of shit there for a minute lmao
#side note im so fucking proud of her mom.#my friend escaped a religious cult started by her dad#who was extremely abusive to her mom#after a few years of being out of the home she ended up convincing her mom to leave too#and she went from a hardcore conservative to someone who's open and understanding#like she turned her whole belief system around immediately#bc she admitted she was really only holding onto those ''beliefs'' in fear of being punished by the cult#i looooove talking to her about it#i wonder what kind of person she would have been if she was able to escape sooner 🥲#she was really only able to leave bc my friend helped her get housing and a job...she had absolutely nothing to her name#.bdo#the reason i didn't know there was thc in there was bc the bottle had huge letters everywhere saying they were cbd gummies#and then the thc content was listed very small on the nutrition info#granted it did say ''full spectrum'' in small letters on the front. which means thc included. didnt know that at first#my body doesn't react to edible thc so i wasnt getting high from it and didn't think much about it#i once ate 800mg thc in one day and it did nothing lmao
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IMMENENT DANGER
#Nevermore#Nevermore Webtoon#Webtoon#SOUP#GOOD START#MORELLA'S ADORABLE#SOMMELIER BERENICE BEST WINE EXPERT LIKE LOOK AT DUKE AND HER IN THAT PANEL SO CUTE#LETTER HURTS MY SOULLLLLLLLL!! ANNABEL LEE AND I. WE ARE NOT STRANGERSSSS AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA#Lenore's handwriting is pretty#The trust her and Duke have I cannotttttt#I was confused why they all have bandages on and I forgot about the blood oath disease train they all did last ep#Attention to detail man like what#SHADING IN THIS EP GO CRAZYYYYYY#RED SKY PRETTYYYYY#THEY'RE SUCH GOOD FRIENDS IT HURTSSSSS#HIS AVOIDANCE OF THE LETTER ME TOO DUDE#TURNING HIS WORDS AROUND HAHHAHA#I WONDER HOW FAR BACK THE CURSE GOES AND LIKE WHO STARTED IT#THE THRESHOLD IN BETWEEN THEM THAT SIGNALS SOMETHING BAD#THEY SO SEEPY IT'S CUTE#SLEEPING BACK TO BACK WITH LINKED ARMS AUGGGGGHHHHH#WHY DOES THE CREATURE LOOK SO MUCH SCARIER NOW AAAAAAAAA GO BACK TO YOUR EP 1 FORM#OFF THE LAWN SHOO AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
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rewatched arrival for the hundredth time. this movie never fails to gut punch me with its approach to determinism. louise embracing her future that she knows every moment of, despite the tremendous loss and pain it contains, with open arms. she doesn't hesitate, or ruminate on how she can try and change it. she accepts it all, the good and the bad, because what she gains is worth it, so many times over for her. she steels herself against a certain future and runs forward to meet it all, to love, learn, and lose, and trusts and leans on herself to live through it all. because that's what life is; it's the joy and the suffering. to try and isolate the joy alone is madness, futility in its purest definition.
comparing her line of thinking to a palindrome (how she named her daughter, hannah), the movie kept emphasizing, "it's the same backwards as it is forwards." it doesn't matter if you can see the end; life is the same whether you live it "forwards" (without knowledge of the future) or "backwards" (with foresight). it doesn't change the significance of your life experiences; to try and avoid certain future pain just because you have the knowledge of it is a zero sum game. you think you win because you avoided pain, but you also avoided the joy that preceded it. the metamorphosis. so you still lose if you try to win, and vice-versa.
all you can do is rush forward and take it all head-on. see this whole beautiful mess as your one most precious gift; this one life, this one chance, a laughably miniature blip on the colossus that is linear time, to experience all there is to feel before you return back to an eternity without perception. it's all worth it, because only in living a full-fledged life open to everything it has to offer does the experience of living turn out to be greater than the sum of its parts; it's in trying to beat the system (avoid pain) that we actually lose.
"if you could see your whole life from start to finish, would you change things?"
"maybe i'd say what i feel more often. i...i don't know."
#arrival 2016#pleaaaaase this movie has a chokehold on me#the perfect sci-fi imo is one that blends the scientific and the emotional realms seamlessly and wow does this do that#this particular movie speaks so personally to me#because i lived so much of my life in stagnation trying to avoid pain i could see on the horizon#a couple of years ago when beginning my last relationship i could see the end as early as 3 months in#you know when you just realize early on there are cracks in the relationship foundation that are not repairable and will only get stressed#the more you build on top of it? yeah#it terrified me like you couldn't believe and i spent so much time in denial and fighting against it#fighting against this future i was intuitively certain would materialize#i watched this movie around that time and decided to just go for it#to not let my intuition rob me of joy in the present#as someone who lived so prudently and always tried to make the “right” choice this was monumental for me and so out of character#for a while i wished i'd just listened to my instincts about how this person would ultimately hurt me so i could avoid the suffering#because i really did have foresight everything i was scared would happen did happen almost to the letter#and i wondered does that make me stupid?#that i marched forward anyway? i didn't have the degree of certainty louise did so i thought i could change things#if i loved hard enough if i was patient enough if i did what i knew in my heart to be the right thing#but it changed nothing#but no i wasn't stupid and i would do it again#because it was still a beautiful experience at its best and it taught me valuable lessons at its worst#i have undoubtedly changed as a person i will never be the same again and THAT is living#not rotting away in an unchanging state. unchanged by joy or mundanity or by adversity. that is not living#undoubtedly better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. i never rly agreed with that until i saw this movie#personal#favourite movies#scifi#movies#this applies to everything not just love. take that chance! do the thing that scares you. bc that's the only way to really live#regardless out of the outcome
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one of those once you see it you can't unsee it questions about the cemeteries of amalo books: where is the orchestra? we get the the singers, costume department, office clerks, sets and stage hands, ticket staff, but I can't recall a single musical instrument. are all these operas sung a capella??
#I remember wondering when I was reading the goblin emperor as well#when min vechin performed for the emperor#rereading Benjamin January novels really put it in perspective cause he plays in the orchestra for various operas#also that one American life article about the band for phantom of the opera#any musicians at the vermilion would have capital letter Opinions about arvenean#so the fact no opinions are mentioned suggests no orchestra exists#which does not vibe with my idea of what an opera is#the goblin emperor#katherine addison
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I think there should be a little app on your phone or a magic journal and every time a friend or loved one thinks something nice about you it should get written in there just for you automatically no matter how far apart you are.
#my stuff#goddamn now I'm left wondering if I'm ever gonna get a reply to that letter#like oh yeah you got a detailed retroactive breakdown of everything i loved and enjoyed about spending time with you#and i got stiff responses and amputation from your life despite every effort to be accomodating n stuff#im really fucking frustrated i try really hard to communicate in relationships that ppl are loved and valued and making my life better#not just romantic ones but my close friends and family too#so to have this just go completely unreciprocated and have things end so abruptly and without explanation...its crushing#you got what you wanted and left. that's not fair.
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The art that I adore is either "most beautiful and creative combination of colors and shapes and motifs you've ever seen in your life that you will spend hours picking apart" or "warning sign"
#rambles by this machine#and i think that's wonderful#i forget what's considered normal sometimes and embarrassed myself by stopping to take a picture of a blue stop sign#or this other sign about tripping over stuff ?#i look young so to white older adult I just look like a silly teen#not a neuroweird young adult#(saying neuroweird cause idk what's going on with me mentally and i'm not comfortable self diagnosing cause idk medical things that well)#anyways the stop sign was blue and that's so cool#there's a stop sign that has lower case letters out there and i really want to know how that happened#my art inspo folder is just the art described above#mostly fanart#and ten like a dozen that's just warning signs#i can't tell if tumblr likes them too or if i just managed to find my niche
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Tuvok & Asil - Prayer [Patreon | Commissions]
Asil: Father, does our God have a name? [She and Tuvok make their way out of the temple through a long corridor, passing by a window] Tuvok: Vulcans no longer worship Gods. Asil: Then who do we pray to? [They exit the temple, revealing a sky full of stars. They are small in comparison to it on one hand, on the other hand - they too are a part of it, two stars in the night sky.] Tuvok: The universe. Ourselves. [Flashback] Tuvok [Asil's Age]: What good is prayer to a people without religion? Monk: What do you think? Tuvok: I dislike receiving questions to my questions. Monk: Then life will be difficult for you. [The monk is setting up an altar] Monk: When you can do nothing and turn to no one else - you pray. What "good" that does depends on you. Tuvok: [Sighs] Your standard non-answer. Monk: Do you enjoy them more than my questions? [A candle. An altar which Tuvok, now on Voyager, set up] Tuvok: No! [Tuvok and Asil pray together from opposite ends of the universe]
#this comic came about bc T'Pel claimed she and their children said prayers for Tuvok's safe return in her letter to him#+ Tuvok has a whole monastery holoprogram which makes me think of like - 'why does he need/value that?'#I headcanon it's where he prays (as opposed to meditates)#It also made me wonder what function 'prayer' has to Vulcans. I don't think it would be a widespread practice - I think Tuvok#and by extension his family are more on the devout side of vulcan traditions#transcript under the cut#comix page#bea art tag#voy#st voyager#star trek#Tuvok#Asil
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The Art of Dreams: Reflections and Representations
The Tomb of Caterina della Ratta and the Iconography of the Reclining Reader in Renaissance Sepulcharl Art, Yonni Ascher
Ancestor Masks and Aristocratic Power in Roman Culture, Harriet I Flower
okay so just. play connect the dots with me for a second. Girolamo Basso della Rovere is Giuliano della Rovere's (Pope Julius II) cousin. Ascanio Sforza was a long time rival, and later ex-enemy of Giiuliano's. this kind of familial mirroring in the tombs, the way that Ascanio is being subsumed into a matching visual with someone of della Rovere's family is. interesting. because it goes well beyond the expected patron-client relationship between the pope and his cardinals. like, these were companion monuments.
there's also a kind of tragic romantic violence to it, given Ascanio's persistent loyalty to his family and Milan, and Ludovico's plans to have Ascanio's body brought back to Milan in the event of his death and interred in the same chapel as Beatrice d'Este.
#i want to break into the vatican with a seance board and summon della rovere's ghost to ask him if he fucked that vice chancellor#ANYWAY it's probably a good thing i didn't go to a real college and pursue like. renaissance studies or something#can you imagine how insufferable i would be fighting it out. thankfully i just draw comics and i can say things like#i DO think he fucked that vice chancellor. actually.#that said. someday im going to get my hands on a couple of documents and actually start swinging#because i do think that several scholars got something seriously wrong in their assumptions and im about 80% confident in my stance#but im not going to throw rocks at anything until. i can read. the full letters. with my eyeballs.#moving past that im just. oughhhhhhhhhh. the inscriptions too. part of me thinks that della rovere was pulling some julius caesar#bullshit with it. another part of me wonders if della rovere wanted their reconciliation to outlast both of them so he had it immortalized#on ascanio's monument. RIP buddy. that is absolutely not what happened#GOD THIS IS PLAYING 5D chess. julius II named himself after caesar not the previous pope julius#octavian is JC's heir. ascanio does have agrippa parallels but also specifically his name calls to rome's founding. there's a lot! to unpac#or. uh. there could be! s4 borgias should've had della rovere seduce him away from rodrigo
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#This is about the last thing I could have imagined happening to me but.#A girl just slid what pretty realistically is a love letter under my door and. I really don't know what to do about it#God. I like her a lot but I also really just love her as a friend??#I don't. I have no idea what to reply because on one hand if I said something like#“yeah every second we spend together is precious to me too I love you <3 ” I would probably. Definitely come across wrong#But at the same time I can't just reply coldly I don't want to be rude. I do enjoy the time we spend together.#I just feel that if I don't reply with the same love and dedication I will come off as rude and make her sad and I really don't want to#But also I'm like. 100% sure I'm not into her romantically#It's just. The way she talks to me in the letter makes me feel... Odd in the bad way.#She spent words of admiration on me I really feel like I can't own you know.#She seems to look up to me a lot and I don't think I should be looked up to at all.#“You're a wonderful‚ very strong‚ and intelligent person” HOW DO YOU EVEN REPLY TO THAT.#“Uh I disagree but you're entitled to your opinion”... ?#Thank you?#This is. Ugh. I'm really not fit for this kind of stuff.#I LOVE exploring characters being in love and putting them in awkward ridiculous situations that make them miserable.#I HATE to be in such situations#As if exams weren't enough. How do I deal with that#Posting this just in case anyone has genuine advice btw. How do you reject a girl you actually like a lot#And how should I even write her back. Because she said to and I'm the WORST at writing back#Sis this is stressing me off so much. I want to dig a hole and disappear in it. I'm not getting out of my room for the next six months.#(For context we live in the same students dorm)#random rambles#I'm so distressed right now this is the absolute worst.#Like I was pretty fine with where we were at but now I feel like I really don't want to spend time with her again for a long time.#Deleting this soon hopefully
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thinking about my gw2 fellas because i can’t play right now. thinking about all of them and shaking them around in my head and thinking about how i havent rped them in months and they’re starving and wasting away. sorry varus eros sobb agar keer plato and the sylvari i impulsively made one day. scratches head. kind of want to yap here but also in tags because i think tumblr works that way. people yap in the tags right
#i dont care im yapping in my tags#just noticed that like 90% of my creatures have 4 letter names#can you tell i like short names#what does this say about me i wonder#anyways#thinking about how i dont really have a commander oc#like yes i do the stories and stuff but none of my freaks is the commander#which isn’t a bad thinf i think#or a good thing#just a thing#i think the clooosest fella i have to being the commander is varus#why? i don’t know.#i think maybe because he’s who i started really playing gw2 with#went through all the stories with him#except for jw now. doing that with eros#sorry varus#i miss peitha#i miss varus and peitha#varitha my beloved#i wish i could talk about varus more without showing all my cards#i love all my creatures#thinking about them#i have so much to yap about but ill stop here i suppose#ok bye#mulchspeak
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lathrop and his orb
for an upcoming yt video !!
anyhow we dont know what lathrop or the orb looks/ed like (correct me if im wrong though asd;jf) so i just kind of went off vibes lol
#tried that thing where people will erase/use the background color to do a (bounce light? highlight? i dont know but i do like it)#bag for carrying super important letter for dr emmet's colleague !!#would be a shame if the guy carrying it got turned into a giant floating all seeing all knowing eye#actually i wonder what did happen to that letter#never really thought about it#i guess kaeman must have it#but it seems like he doesnt know much about the precursors?#and i think it was implied that the letter was about the precursors??#idk ill add that to the list of lore questions hehe#art#digital art#hypixel#hypixel skyblock#fanart
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