#I will never pretend that I can fully understand or really speak on the issues of colonialism period

[chewwytwee]

This just in, tumblr user who’s only learned about Palestine over the past few months feels incredibly emboldened to tell everyone what they think about the ICJ ruling and the history of Palestinian resistance

[procrastinatingsoicanreadfanfics]

Vikings + gen z slang

Summary: How Vikings Characters would react to Gen Z slang

Notes: back on working on requests, so i hope i can get some more oneshots out soon. happy lunar new year to everyone who celebrates!!

Tagged: @majesticwren @obsessiveformiyatwins @leithdragon @demon-of-the-ancient-world @alicedopey @ivarlover @levithestripper @batmandallyboy @akayxo09 @vrtualfairy (hmu to be added to any taglist!)

Masterlist | based on this request | requests are OPEN!

Ragnar

With the program

He knows that he’s a slay-queen-girlboss-cunt-serving-camp

He understands gen z slang like no other

Rizz? He’s got it. Mister Worldwide? Been there, done that.

Turns into a ninth century (?) twitter queen

Lagertha

She doesn’t really care all that much about gen z slang

“You’re slaying? Me too, but on the battlefield. Catch up.”

Pretends not to understand

Fully understands and sometimes busts down on her gen z meme culture knowledge

Aslaug

Aslaug is above gen z slang

But she also knows that she’s camp

She just knows

She’s a volva, magic is in her blood. You know what else is? An immaculate sense in fashion

That’s the only thing that might make her willing to try to understand our culture

Perfected the lightskin stare the moment she was born (it’s permanently on her face istg)

Athelstan

PLEASE NO

You know that ancient man video? Athelstan is the ancient man. Would he understand the video? No.

This would be his response: God, that girl looks terribly drunk.

As a linguist, he tries

Approaches it as a foreign language. It works to some degree.

I never want to hear the words “You’re serving girlboss today, Ragnar.” Out of his mouth

(this happened to me in a dream. Literally traumatizing)

Bjorn

Thinks it’s girlish (it is not)

Would say “You’re one of them queers?”

I mean yeah, but so is your mom.

Gen z talk isn’t cool enough for him (he’s suffering from Rollo’s internalized generational homophobia/gayness, give him some space)

Ubbe

Like a supportive mom

‘That’s wonderful sweetie. Now back to my casserole.’

Absolutely understands gen z slang after you teach him

Prides himself on having the most rizz

Boy you rizzed up a slave girl and your aunt calm down

Protects gen z slang against ivar like it’s cultural heritage

Hvitserk

Worst mistake you could make is teach him slang

He uses it

Just incorrectly

At all times

And does not care to be corrected.

Slang is a product of pop culture? Hvitserk is now making it HIS product

Deal with it (don’t. make him stfu pls.)

Sigurd

He’s one of those abcdefu people

The ones that are like ‘let me sing my new song for you, and if you don’t like it, I’ll pay for your gas’

So annoying

But also in an indie artist generational trauma daddy issues kind of way, so I can forgive him

Not really

Ivar

HATES gen z slang more than anything

He thinks it’s stupid

Dumb

Dull

Incredibly unintellectual

Secretly uses it to express his feelings in a diary he burns every week

Ecbert

ECBERT MY SILLY LITTLE GASLIGHT GATEKEEP GIRLBOSS

Manwhore and proud!

Get this man a gag asap or you’ll live to regret the day you met him

With him and Ragnar, you’re gonna be stuck in a little hellcircle (probably to be joined by Athelstan)

Gets acrylics despite not knowing what they are and clicks with them

STOP HIM! STOP THIS SILLY LITTLE MAN!

Aethelwulf

Literally the opposite of Ecbert

If he has to spend one more second around his father speaking slang

He’ll cut off his ear to match Judith

And then the other to outdo her (he’s such a loser smh)

So done with Ecbert

He’ll literally hate everything Ecbert likes

[razorblade180]

Gods judgment

Furina:*bites cake* Ugh, why must being an Archon be so polarizing at times!? I’m near my wits end.

Ei:While I agree to the sentiment, you’d have much less to complain about if you were diligent in your duties.

Pleasant vibes stop

Venti:Oh boy…

Nahida:What’s happening.

Venti:Shhh, pretend you’re invisible,

Furina:Baal, I am positive you of all people didn’t just talk to me about diligence regarding my responsibilities.

Zhongli:She was merely giving you advice since-

Furina:Oh are we really doing this? Do I need to remind you that if anyone has to the authority to judge the ways of other gods it is I, Focalor. *stands up*

Zhongli:Failure to take criticism will only slow progress.

Furina:Don’t misunderstand my situation. You forget yourself, Morax. Criticism indeed has value, and I’d made certain not even I can go unchecked in my own nation. The problem here is that two of you dare to speak in a tone that implies superiority when all you hold is errors so catastrophic that it’s felt in every wave.

Ei:Are you truly one to talk about errors when your problems arise from negligence?

Furina:Ha! That’s rich coming from the Archon who literally made her problem. You dare speak of negligence when you all but abandoned your people to the whims of an unfeeling stand-in? My people and I face a catastrophe forced upon us while yours endured the weight of your grief. Do not speak to me about negligence.

Ei:…..

Furina:But hey, grief is a toxic and dangerous thing that mortals and the divine understand. I do not judge you for feeling pain. It is far more reasonable flaw than that of the eldest of us. *looks at Morax* You want to discuss slow progress and criticism? It took you ages to get to a mindset Barbatos applied from the start!

Venti:Oh, wow. Zhongli she might actually have a point.

Furina:*points* Don’t get too proud of yourself, Barbatos! You’re next.

Venti:Hehe, I figured….

Zhongli:The circumstances between Liyue’s development and Mondstat’s are vastly different in what problems stood in their wake. Liyue would not have lasted to this day without a firm hand guiding the way. Much like how your nation has greatly benefited from your Chief Justice.

Furina:I do not deny my Iudex has been indispensable in Fontaine’s development. However, once again, you are mistaken about the problem. I have no issue in the role you choose for yourself to craft your land. I think it’s quite magnificent. But a show and by extension, a role is only as good as its ending. The protractor of the land chooses to exit the stage with political and civil unrest due to scheme crafted by his truly. As the God of Contracts, could you not have made one with your people stating a resignation in the coming years. In that time you would sufficiently train them to live without you instead of awakening an old adversary.

Zhongli:Preparations only go so far. A test would have to come eventually to truly put my mind at ease.

Furina:A test that shouldn’t come from your hand and not as severe. Life is the test. Make no mistake, I fully believe you would’ve handled it if your people failed, but do you truly think you would’ve saved them all unscathed. You, who knows the chaos war and battle well? I recognize my bias when I say this but it truly disgusts me to see an Archon through the night of a perilous sea at it’s people just to see if they could retire to sipping tea. To make matters worse, you’re not even consistent.

Zhongli:What are you-

Furina:Did you tell your people about Azdaha? From what I gathered, not only did you handle that actual catastrophe discretely, but in a manor where it could still happen again. You want the best for your people, yet you deny them the opportunity to prepare for the future you yourself could prevent.

Zhongli:….

Furina:Barbatos!

Venti:Ley me guess, I’m too lazy?

Furina:Your nation speaks for itself. Calm, self sufficient, and joyous for extended periods of time. I would never say any of you aren’t attentive to your people.

Ei:This sounds like nothing but praise!

Venti:Maybe I’m just a champion of work life balance?

Furina:You sleep too late.

Venti:….*rubs head* I could see why you might say that.

Furina:So could anyone who knows your nation’s history. It’s never a question of if you show up, but when. Although I love a hero arriving in the nick of time, I’m sure your people would’ve loved to see you before the slavery was institutionalized. Not only that, but it’s your failure to arrive punctually that created a harbinger in the first place.

Venti:No god can be everywhere at once or go indefinitely without rest.

Furina:Correct, but no other god here besides Buer and myself have the means to have a steady pulse the people like you do. You are The God of Anemo. There is no whisper in your land that you can not hear. Frankly I wouldn’t have a reason to judge your methods if you didn’t sleep through the tragedies. I’ll admit, I am a tad envious of your prosperity.

Venti:Hmm, I can’t lie and say I don’t see a little merit in that criticism. Although if you ask me, I don’t it would solve as many problems as you believe. Even so, I can accept that perspective for what it is.

Nahida:(He’s rather accommodating to her outburst. Perhaps he’s trying to diffuse the situation?) Hmm!?

Furina:*staring*….

Nahida:H-Hello.

Furina:You understand I’m not above judging even you, a fellow young Archon? My dear Buer, I suspect you’re aware of your faults; or does your wisdom not extend to introspection?

Nahida:No, it does. *slouches* In a lot of ways, I let my nation unravel because of my own self pity.

Furina:I guess your wisdom is boundless if you can admit to that. Feeling unwanted and trapped, you thought it best to have them walk over you for their own benefit until you finally decided a line was crossed. Your wrongful imprisonment should’ve been that line. Though the irony of your situation is how you were never truly trapped, were you? Arriving in dreams and controlling minds without their knowledge was more than enough power to start a coup. No matter how you look at it Buer, you could have fought back. Instead you acted as powerless as they called you.

Nahida:Sigh… You’re right. That sort of force of authority though really isn’t in my nature.

Furina:You remind me of Neuvillette. So soft by nature. Far too conservative about exercising what is yours by right. That being said, people like you aren’t bad. Anyone could chalk it up to inexperience or a way of belief. In fact, that could be said about all of you.

Ei:If that’s apparent to you then what was the point of this so called “judgement?”

Furina:As I said earlier, I’m not above criticism. I’m not even claiming my way is the most splendid. That being said, do not speak to me as if your methods are correct. Look down on me all you want. I refuse to let anyone judge my methods against the likes of my fellow Archons as if anyone of you or doing this job “correctly.” Especially when one of the seven thrives in dangerous tension and another has the audacity to send her people to overthrow our nations. For as long as I reign, I, Focalor, will hold one thing as an absolute truth. I am not lesser than any other ruler. I rest my case.

Nahida:I thinks you’re doing your best.

Furina:….*wipes face* Thank you.

Zhongli and Ei: (So high strung) *pats her head*

Furina:Excuse me!? I -I don’t need to be coddled!

Venti:*plays calming music*

Furina:Sigh… *accepts comfort.

[lurkingshan]

Be My Favorite: Why, Kwan, why?

Week after week I wait for this show to wobble and disappoint me, but here we are at episode 9 and it’s still going strong, even when the story goes in directions I don’t expect. I sat here for a few minutes trying to decide what to focus on from this episode, and this is the thing most on my spirit this week.

Kwan, I say this with nothing but love in my heart: what on earth are you doing getting tangled up with a guy like Not? 

In every timeline, over and over again, we see that Kwan gravitates to this dude, despite all his awful behavior. Here is what we have seen from Not to date across the timelines:

Bullying

Homophobia

Misogyny

Pretending to befriend Kawi so he could manipulate him 

Threatening to out Pisaeng for his own gain

Having a sexual relationship with Kwan while actively pursuing or even marrying Pear

All around unkind behavior toward pretty much everyone

To date, BMF has shown me nothing to explain why Kwan is so desperately into this guy. Kwan has been witness to all this same behavior we have seen throughout the story, and they have had one (1) conversation where Not was only about 50% instead of 100% an asshole. He’s not nice to her, and he doesn’t respect her. And let me say this clearly: it’s not that it’s unrealistic for a great girl to get caught up with a total dumpster fire of a man who treats her like shit. That’s a tale as old as time and I can absolutely justify how this can happen in my head. But from a storytelling and characterization perspective, I want to feel a bit more grounded in who Kwan is to fully understand why she is letting this man treat her this way. We still don’t know anything about her family background, romantic history, or personal desires beyond wanting Not’s attention. Unlike the other core characters, we don’t know what motivates her and what she wants out of life. We don’t even know that much about her friendship with Pear and how deep (or not) it is.

So here’s my best theory for now: Kwan is fat-coded in this story (but not actually fat, because actors playing fat in dramas rarely are). I first raised this idea a couple weeks ago with a few friends, asking if they thought we were supposed to be reading Kwan as fat, and therefore socially undesirable, and we were not yet confident that the show was going there with her. But at this point, it’s the only read on Kwan that’s really tracking for me.

Kwan has been placed in the familiar role of the less desirable best friend to the pretty popular girl, and has some very obvious insecurities about Not’s clear preference for Pear over her. She seems to be hoping that having sex with him will cause him to realize she is the one he actually wants (oh, girl). In the former future timeline, we see that she carried on with Not even after he got into a relationship with Pear, which to me speaks to some resentment she is carrying for Pear, as well. We’ve had some subtle indicators that Kwan and Pear may not actually be that close (like Pear saying Pisaeng is the only person she talks to about her family issues). And that would track with Kwan knowingly participating in Not two-timing Pear and never fessing up. You don’t do that to your best friend if you actually love and respect them without some other unaddressed shit laying between you.

I am still holding out hope that the show is going to give us a little more to go on with Kwan. It was only this week that we got a fuller picture of Pear’s family life, and we still have three episodes to go. I want Kwan to be a three dimensional character with desires and motivations we understand, and this drama has shown such compassion and care for its characters that I trust them to finish rounding her out. When that happens, I’ll be back to check in on this clown theory.

[afteas2003]

next for oc questions! what type of discipline was your character subjected to at home/growing up? strict? lenient? were they overprotected as a child? sheltered? how has this effected them as they've gotten older or gone out on their own?

Another fabulous question!

This got, waaaay longer than I anticipated so read at your own risk lol. Really good question that brings up a lot of their lore. Thank you for the ask! I love talking about them :}

For Fern, he was subject to a rather abusive home in his early childhood till he ran away at 12. A lot of emotional, mental, and religious manipulation was used, and they were expected to be perfect. After he ran away, he was found by Peter and brought to Neverland, an Island built by Peter in another plane where thoughts and imaginings can become concrete and Peter is particularly adept at this. Neverland has become a haven for traumatized children who never had much of a home or support or family in their lives before. They have created a community where each person's needs are heard and validated. People don't age in Neverland so Fern is still 12, and time passes differently there so it's hard to say how long he's been there. His upbringing obviously gave him some serious trust issues and trauma, low self esteem, etc. He feels much safer and has warmed up quite a bit to Neverland, but can still get triggered and deals with CPTSD. He often goes non-verbal and prefers to communicate using the sign language dialect that has developed on the island. He hasn't gotten older though.

Peter understands that Neverland is a sort of stasis in some ways and since they cannot grow there, they cannot fully heal. For now though he is there to help them feel safe and loved and give them a family and childhood they deserve.

Okay I know that's a lot but BAM here's even more for Enriel, sorry.

So with Enriel, he belongs to a different plane where where spirits of different concepts are formed as humanity gets more complicated and those concepts become a significant part of their lives. The spirits embody that concept and often make others around them feel that way. The health of the spirit is partially tied to the existence of that concept, but the existence of that concept is not tied back to the health of the spirit if that makes sense. And the spirits are capable of change and growth, their nature is just very tied to what they embody.

All that to say, Enriel and all the spirits do age but hey never exactly went through a childhood as the form fully formed. Enriel would have been part of the third wave of spirits and most spirits tend to avoid him. It can be annoying and irritating to be around someone who cares about almost nothing. He doesn't much care, due to his nature, but though he ignores it, as the centuries press on, there are some muted feelings of depression and loneliness that he shrugs off and pretend don't exist.

He gets along well with Bartimeas, spirit of Fear. Bartimeas is quiet and shy, and people also avoid him because anyone around him gets their greatest fears brought up in ways that make them terrified in their minds. Bartimeas cannot control that. But Enriel doesn't fear much and doesn't care much when he is afraid and never presses Bartimeas to speak, so they spend some time together, often in companionable silence that Enriel won't admit he enjoys slightly.

He also gets along with Morbius, spirit of death. Morbius is rather kind, but inevitable, all things die eventually, including the spirits. That makes most people uncomfortable. Enriel couldn't care less and at his more depressed sometimes wouldn't mind if it came sooner rather than later. Most of the spirits ignore and avoid him, so he ignores most spirits. The only one he actively avoids though is Bliss, spirit of joy. Everyone around her feels incredibly happy, even Enriel. After he leaves her presence though he feels rather uncomfortable with that strength of emotion and sees it as invasive and unpleasant.

I know that was long, does that answer the question for him?

[thegoober010]

OK OK YIPPEE

TRIGGER WARNING!!!

sooooo could you write like father figure Sans with reader who has an eating disorder?

Like he begins noticing that theyre eating less and less and theyre losing a bunch of weight and he confronts them about it?

IF NOT THATS FINE, ITS A VERY TRIGGERING TOPIC!!!

Make sure to get food and drink water!!! Take breaks!!!! TAKE CARE OF URSELF!!!!! <333

-🐾

Oh!! QUITE A REQUEST BUT OFC I CAN!! I understand that fictional characters can be parental figures to some and requests like this can be helpful/comforting to some in different circumstances so I am willing to write this dearie dw!! plus father figure sans is so real. also right now im suffering a bit from burn-out due to my school cause right now I'm in a club that requires a lot of my time so im kinda suffering from a bit of burn out ig- so Im not gonna write a full nose-shot but I will write kinda like a headcanon type one-shot!

gender neutral reader as usual :)!!

TW/CW -> eating disorder (anorexia), self-esteem issues, body dysmorphia

remember if you're dealing with any eating disorder please try to talk to someone you're close with, a friend, family member, or trusted adult about this and I recommend trying to find professional help or trying to talk to someone about this, it is incredibly important to find support during such times <3

"I care for you more than you think"

Sans was always a father-figure for you, ever since you fell to the underground and left Toriel's home he allowed you to stay with him and his brother, he took care of you in his own way by taking you to places, meeting other monsters and allowing you your freedom but also protecting you and making sure you were safe by being near you often since you were just a kid to him.

Sans took quick notice of you using oversized clothing more than usual, and mostly long-sleeve shirts or hoodies (which he assumed you did to try and hide your body whether that be because you thought you were fat or something of that sort, it concerned him greatly) he would often touch your arm and pretend as if he were just patting near your arm/back/shoulder and would notice you were losing weight faster than he would expect someone to normally do.

After he took notice of such things he would often try taking you to a few more places like Grilby's or Muffet's, of course he never forced you to eat but he would always suggest it. Sometimes he would make hot dogs/cat dogs or make some waffles for you, if you refused he would just give a quick nod and let you be but he would leave the food near you or tell you that you should eat it later if you're really not that hungry right now.

At one point though it became a huge cause for concern as he noticed you started to distance yourself more from him and your friends, he decided enough was enough and fully confront you about it.

You broke down crying as he started to speak to you in a concerned tone of voice and started to confront you about your behavior. He didn't want you to feel bad but he was extremely worried and did not want you slowly killing yourself because of how you perceived your body.

He's a very good listener, maybe not the best at giving physical comfort but he's good at listening and giving advice. Ever since that day he would not force you to eat full on meals, no, he understood that people recover differently, and that it takes time. He made sure to take it slow and one step at a time. He would make small snacks at first, perhaps with some fruit or lower calorie foods so that you wouldn't feel too guilty about eating them and slowly making their way up to more higher calorie foods to fix your relationship with food and what you considered 'bad' and 'good' food.

He always reminds you about how you're much more than just your body but that you should also take care of it, and by taking care of your body you are not restricting yourself so much that it's slowly killing you.

He helps you out with eating, if you feel like you're going to get sick while eating he doesn't force you to continue, he always tells you how proud he is of you for eating just a little bit and that maybe next time you two can try something a bit more filling for not just the body but soul!

He's a great help in recovery, not only in helping you eat but also in your emotional support and physical support, whenever you feel too weak he takes care of you, whenever you feel down he listens. He may not know much on how to help but he makes sure to get different opinions from everyone and different ideas to help you out.

idk if this was good or not as I said before im suffering from burn out but ima try my best to continue writing a lot!!

[bonesandthebees]

Chapter 22:

Wilbur blaming himself for cursing Tommy because he’s the one whose cursed and feeling guilty about it vs. Tommy blaming himself for getting curse because he told Wilbur to take of his blindfold and feeling guilty about Wilbur blaming himself and feeling like shit. (Probably also about stressing Phil and Techno out).

The resurface of Wilbur’s ‘death wise’. It’s not that he wants to die per se, it’s more that religious guilt and what he thinks he deserves + jumping to the worst conclusions any time he can. But we are in his head, everyone around him is not and therefore worried(TM).

Phil and Techno clearly being upset, but trying their hardest to not let it show because they know Wilbur and Tommy probably tried everything in their power to avoid this, so it’s not their fault and being angry at them won’t help. Also, Wilbur will (and did) that their frustrations as anger at him. (I just love their ‘parenting’ style, they are so chill whereas in other stories characters like these would get a very for plot, they are just here to be (mostly) reasonable.)

The codependency kicking in strong. Sleeping in the same room. Constantly being together and when they aren’t there’s always someone else with them, most often Phil and Techno. When one of them needs a 1 on 1 talk the other will always stay or escort the remaining member of the codependency gang. (Which is how we get Wilbur not noticing Techno is still with him at the end.)

Speaking of the end: Tommy is still the only person who knows that Wilbur used to be a street kid, so his little rant might tip Techno of to that. At which point Techno could suddenly understand why they get along so well. (At least I’m pretty sure Wilbur says that nobody cared about him on the street, I’m not going back to check).

Also, Tommy being very scared of dying even though he doesn’t really (fully) believe in the curse vs. Tommy not wanting anyone (especially Wilbur) to be worried about him (or get made at Wilbur). So he hides that he’s cursed and he’s so damn good in pretending he doesn’t feel like shit. But then the second he’s just with people who know he’s cursed, you can sort of see him unravel, because he’s still scared.

Also, Phil telling Wilbur that he’s going to need to decide if he still wants to be Pythia and soon is food for my ‘they are working together with Eret to take over and possibly using Wilbur as a gambling chip’ theory. There’s more to fuel that theory in chapter 23, so I’ll get to it.

And lastly, Phil pointing that Wilbur couldn’t have changed the vision is fuel of the ‘the Pythia can see the future, but never change it and maybe even help cause it’ theory. There’s also a bit with Tommy but I can’t remember which chapter that’s in, so I’ll put it in the next one.

-🌲

the totally not brothers are in a competition to out self-guilt each other

yeah I thought it was really interesting to show wilbur returning to that mindset even if it was just a brief moment. just showing that even though he's improved a lot, he's still got a lot of issues and some troubling mindsets that are ingrained into him which led to some very unhealthy thought patterns. he never wanted to die, but he's been made to feel like his life isn't worth much at all so if he's not serving his purpose and/or he's done something wrong, dying might be the best option

I think it helps that phil and techno are also literally worshippers of death. like of course they're worried and upset and don't want tommy to die, but they have a different view of death than most people do, which also lends itself to their more chill reaction. and like you said, they know wilbur and tommy definitely did everything they could to avoid this.

oh yeah the codependency is only gonna be kicked up higher with this whole situation. the brothers are attached at the hip and phil and techno can tell.

tommy IS scared yes!! despite worshipping death he's also an 18 year old who doesn't want to die yet. sure death isn't as scary for him as it is for most people, but he's not ready to go. tommy's actually got a really interesting internal struggle going on right now with his own religious beliefs conflicting with his fears of dying that I don't have much opportunity to show. but yeah he's got a lot of internal conflict going on with his belief in kristin right now

hmm theories theories theories :)

[bi-kisses]

I wanted to thank you for the post you just made about detrans people, I really needed to hear that support right now since we don't really get much empathy these days. People just talk about us as statistics and bargaining chips and not really as people, it feels like. I won't pretend to know everything about the detrans/desist circles since I'm still new to it myself but I've experienced enough that so far anytime I see someone talking about detrans it's usually to win arguments or they only talk about misdiagnosed detransitioners, and those of us who were correctly diagnosed and are and always have been sex dysphoric get ignored. I guess we don't really 'fit' anyone's argument well enough for them to want to acknowledge us. It's a really sucky life to live for lack of a more formal wording; the only treatment that's really out there for this dysphoria is transitioning and when it doesn't work, it's a very bleak way to live. I never really understood why some people years into their transitions are still nearly as miserable as before they started or still attempt suicide, but now I do. I don't mean to vent or traumadump too much, for a little context as insight on a personal example: I had an unsuccessful transition. I was transitioned as a minor and now in my 20s I suffer from health complications, mostly regarding my heart and hemoglobin and all that (I've had heart palpitations/irregular heartbeat since I was 19 or 20), and I can no longer continue medically transitioning unless I want to see an early cardiac arrest or death from its worsening. The doctors that gave me transition treatment will not give me detransition treatment nor referrals so I'm on my own now. Not to mention I am stuck looking like a teenage boy and will never be able to look like a fully grown man which causes a lot of dysphoria and pain since the only reason I transitioned was to be a man, not to be a forever teenager. I don't regret the transition's effects of masculinizing me, if anything I wish there were more, but it's been 10 years so there's no more to be gained. At this point if I detransitioned fully I don't think I'd look like a woman either so I'm pretty much stuck suffering no matter what I do or don't do next in terms of continuing or stopping social aspects of my transition. I'm not sure if it's because I was transitioned too young or because I just have shit genes, but this is my situation and it is permanent.

Anyway, I'm sure there are many other detransitioners/desistors out there like me in similar situations. It's our lives, our realities, and it's a lot of suffering to have ignored and not have much support for. Not to mention how it's pretty much impossible to talk to friends and family about for fear of them lashing out that they think you 'betrayed' them or 'lied' or 'made a stupid mistake' so we don't have a lot of safe places to talk about this kind of thing. I even feel like I have to stay on anon to be able to safely talk about this here.

My heart goes out to you, and idk if it's any comfort but I have for sure seen several people in similar situations where they ARE dysphoric and would love to live as the opposite sex but it just isn't viable. Usually it's seen with trans women, as transitioning from male to female is notoriously luck dependent genetically speaking, but health issues have impeded trans guys I've known too.

I can't believe you aren't able to receive medical support for your detransition, that's fucking awful and those doctors should be held accountable for not providing what is, imo, a necessary service to help you live in a comfortable and healthy manor.

I'm not detrans, but I have a pretty fucking irritating health condition that makes my day to day really uncomfortable. I totally understand that helplessness. Doctors have been useless to me so far (I'm on, like, my third different specialist just hoping this one figures out what's wrong). Sometimes all we can do is figure out what works so that each day is worth getting through, even if we can't live in an ideal way.

Lots of love for you and I hope things get better soon. Feel free to reach out anytime.

[fluffykitteninabox]

My very late thoughts on season 6 episode 11 (that turned into me gushing about the soundtrack oops!)

I'm going to start with some things that are probably going to be overlooked because everyone is focusing on Dabi which is very understandable but still..

First the animation was GOD TIER. The camera movement during Dabi's dance specifically was epic but in general this episode looks phenomenal. Kudos to the animators for bringing their A game. They deserve a raise (and also probably a vacation)

Second the voice acting. It was SO GOOD!! Dabi's voice actor absolutely killed it this episode. Hearing his full range finally after spending 5 and a half seasons with him ominously whispering every single line just ffgchcddidf.. he's so excited he's speaking faster than usual and you can literally hear the smile in his voice!! It's amazing. Shouto's voice actor should also be praised. The urgency, the panic in his voice omg!!

Ok now onto the actual episode related stuff.

The end of Uraraka's fight with Toga was great, and I feel kind of sad that this part of the episode is probably going to be forgotten because of all the stuff that happens afterwards. so I'm going to dedicate some time to it here.

Number one, finally FINALLY, they let Toga's nature play in full!!! I'm probably literally the only person on the planet who cares about this but whatever! Toga's nature is my favourite OST in the entire MHA soundtrack and I had been begging for it to be fully played since season 5. Up until now they had only played the first part. It was like they were teasing us. Toga's nature was like the carrot on a stick and I was the minecraft pig!!

In the end, I think them withholding it until now made the impact this episode more affective. You see, the song can be divided into two parts kind of. The first part has this quiet eery feeling to it. It's a simple piano accompanied with the sound of birds and laughter that becomes more and more manic as it continues.

The music builds and builds and it feels like a dam that is going to overflow until the second half kicks in. It literally feels like an actual kick. The song suddenly becomes loud and overpowering and none of the laughter that was in the background can be heard now. The dam bursts and everything it was holding comes pouring out.

And I think that perfectly describes Toga's character. As a child she was told that she was creepy because of her quirk and that she should suppress her feelings. She was told to not be herself, she was told to act "normal" based on the standards of other people. Even though in a superhuman society like that of MHA, every person has a unique ability and thus every person's normal is going to be fundamentally different from someone else's. Technically speaking there is no normal anymore. Deku even says in the first episode "Before we knew it the supernatural became normal".

Toga desperately tried to fit in by ignoring and pushing her feelings down further and further until she couldn't hold them in anymore and they exploaded out of her in the form of the incident at her school where she attacked one of her classmates. The reports from the people who knew her that we see during her flashback are all saying that this was a completely unexpected occurrence and they present Toga as an obedient child. The can't comprehend what could have caused this outburst, but in reality this was inevitable. You can't pretend to be something you're not indefinitely, you can't ignore your feelings and hope that the issues will resolve themselves. At some point you won't be able to hold it in anymore and it will come out like a volcanic eruption. The song itself foreshadowed this inevitability. The first creepy part of the song clues you in to what is about to happen. Despite the birds chirping and the child like laughter (things that are both usually associated with positive feelings) we never believe that this is a happy song.

This of course makes her a really great foil for Uraraka because Uraraka has been spending the last couple of seasons "pushing her feelings for Deku down" because she sees them as a distraction. Now do I wish she was suppressing her feelings on something other than romance, maybe something more personal to her character that isn't tied to Deku? Yes, yes I do. But this still works.. fine. (even though it would have been way cooler if this was tied how she views herself as someone coming from a low income family and how her personal motivation for becoming a hero has evolved during her time as a student, or her feelings about not being able to save everyone, which she had to face way earlier that a lot of her other classmates because of what happened with Nighteye.) but ok, her crush on Deku works too.

The important thing that we need to take away from this is that Toga has already learned the "don't push your feelings down, because they're going to come rushing back up and you'll regret it later" lesson, but Uraraka hasn't learned that yet. Even during their fight she says that these feelings should be pushed away.

Which is another reason why she couldn't understand what Toga was trying to tell her. Now in the anime they decided to make it a lot more obvious because apparently the dialogue in the manga was too subtle for some people and they didn't understand why the heroes should maybe try to help when the villains are literally begging them to understand and are actively asking for help!! I mean of course I'm sure the millionth time Deku punches the problem it will go away!! So they changed Toga's dialogue from the very vague "What do you wanna do to me?" to her actually explaining Jin's death to her and directly asking her if she would try to kill her too. Now that seems ok at first, until you realise that Uraraka's response now sounds incredibly cruel compared to the manga. This makes Uraraka seem kind of stupid to be honest, which I don't like but we have to make sacrifices for the stupid fans I guess.

So back to gushing about Toga's nature. I love that the second half kicks in exactly as Uraraka is about to use her "zero satellites" move against Toga. Up until this point in the fight Toga has been trying to explain her viewpoint to her and this is the final moment before Uraraka says "If you're gonna live as you please and threaten people then you also have to live with the consequences!"

This is the exact moment Toga realised that Uraraka didn't understand her and that there was no point in trying to negotiate.

It is because of that that she's now completely closed off. She doesn't trust Uraraka or any other hero and so that makes it a lot harder to save her now. Toga believes that the heroes want to kill her just like Hawks killed Jin, so she's treating her current fight as a fight for survival. This misunderstanding was again the inevitable outcome of this conversation, because of the opposing views each girl has.

Or at least it was in the manga, where Toga doesn't do a good job at explaining what exactly it is she's asking about. When Uraraka says in the manga "What're you trying to tell me?", her confusion is believable. When she asks that in the anime it looks like she's selectively deaf because Toga very clearly asks her "Do you want to kill me like Jin was killed? Am I going to be killed?". So when Uraraka treats this like a trivial question (the subtitles don't use the word stupid that was in the manga translation so I don't know if she actually called it a stupid question) and when she tells Toga that she has to "live with the consequences", from Toga's perspective she is confirming that she will in fact try to kill her.

The way the anime handles this makes it so that this could have been easily predictable. If Uraraka was paying attention to what Toga was saying she could have seen this coming, it's no longer an issue of miscommunication. But anyway it was still great to watch and Toga's nature elevates the whole scene in my opinion so it's fine. Basically the song is foreshadowing Toga's character arc. Her character has entered the second phase at this point

something something parallels of everyone in Toga's life failing to notice her inevitable breakdown and now Uraraka failing to notice too thus making it harder for her to save her in this final arc,✨✨symbolism!✨✨

ok I'll shut up about the song now i swear!

Another small change in this episode that I want to point out is that they revealed that Bastard Jeanist - oh I'm sorry I meant Best Jeanist, is alive at the beginning of the episode instead of leaving it as a twist at the end. I mean this doesn't really change much but you know.. missed opportunity for a shocking plot twist there. They don't show his face but it's really obvious from the clothes and.. you know, the belt with his initials in giant bold letters.

The anime also kind of confirmed something that I was suspecting for a while but I've never stated this publicly so you'll have to take my word for it, I called it!

Basically in the scene where Endeavor sees the fire in Sekoto and tries to search for Touya, the fire is red, not blue. Even though Touya's flames had already changed from red to blue at this point.

Now I don't think this is a mistake. Logically speaking a burning fire will start losing heat at some point especially if it's not consistently being fuelled. Since Touya is the source in this case, after he passed out next to the river he wouldn't be actively creating more fire. Naturally after the flames loose their intense heat they would go back to orange/red.

This is purely speculation on my part because I think it would be kind of stupid for the Todorokis to have the information that Touya died in a blue fire and then to not connect the dots on their own. I mean hmm a fire user with blue flames who is covered in burns and has the same eyes a Endeavor and seems to be about the same age as our dead brother/son who died in a blue fire would be if he were still alive. Yep, must be a coincidence!

But if they didn't know that Touya died in a blue fire, because the fire possibly changed colour by the time they realised what had happened, it would make more sense.

The scene doesn't exactly confirm my little theory, but I count it as a strong hint and in my opinion it would be a reasonable explanation.

Moving on..

Let's gush about the newest ost that came out of this episode

the theme that plays during Dabi's actual dance. One of the reasons this post is so late is because I wanted to listen to this without Dabi's monologue obstructing it. Alright first initial thoughts:

THIS SHIT IS ACTUALLY FUCKING HAUNTING!!

The fucking breathing at the beginning ZHXHFXUGCICJGXUFZHGXUC!!

The laughter!! It sounds like Touya is running around my head giggling! The fucking distorted screams OMFG!! And it also sounds like there's fire crackling sounds at the end too.

ok I'm going to try and analyse this like I did Toga's nature but keep in mind that this is extremely new, I've only heard it a couple of times and I'm not an expert in the technical aspects of music. Also depending how this will potentially be used in future episodes my reading on it might be changed.

We start with the heavy breathing accompanied by a lone piano (again)

something about pianos and sounding creepy

This gives me the feeling that this is Touya trying to survive the fire. The first image that popped into my head was Touya's burnt up body when AFO finds him

look at the "weez"

that's what it reminded me of. So I'm hoping this ost won't be tossed in the garbage and will be used again for other scenes they fit in like this once in the future.

The screaming is possibly Touya just screaming in pain from burning, but to be completely honest when I heard it in the ost it also reminded me of Rei for some reason. I think it's because it's so sparsely spaced throughout the song. It sounds more like separate moments of madness, than one long painful scream. I think that could be signifying Touya's declining mental state over his childhood. It makes sense that it reminded me of Rei because she and Touya are the ones whose mental stability got hit the hardest. Not saying the others aren't equally as traumatized btw.

The laughter could be because he's excited to finally bring this to light. He's happy to expose his dad's crimes to the world.

The song ends with the piano slowly fading and we're left with the sound of a fire crackling. This could mean Touya is now "dead" so we can't hear any more laughing or screaming. It's the aftermath of Sekoto, everything has been burnt and so the fire grows more quiet as there is no fuel left.

That's all I can do for now since this has only been used once. I might come back to see if it could potentially connect to something else if/when they reuse the song.

Anyway this whole thing is extremely late but who cares

I don't have a conclusion and I don't know how to end this

so...

if you made it this far, have some sparkles ✨✨✨

[rhetoricandlogic]

Review: LAST NIGHT IN MONTREAL by Emily St. John Mandel

Emily St. John Mandel’s Station Eleven is easily one of my favourite books from last year (as it was for a great many others, it seems). Mandel’s prose is superb, and I really enjoyed her take on a post-apocalyptic landscape. Naturally, after the considerable success of that novel, Mandel’s UK publisher (Picador) has re-issued her first three novels with new covers to match the aesthetic of Station Eleven. They are, however, very different novels in terms of topic and genre. Naturally, I bought them immediately. Last Night in Montreal is the author’s debut, and I read it without even reading the synopsis (it was nice, therefore, to see that what I got out of the book aligns with that final paragraph, above). I plan to read the other two very soon. This novel is very good, and shows the beginnings of the skill and style that would be fully realized in Station Eleven.

The story is a little strange, but by no means in a bad way. It’s literary/contemporary fiction, and follows a similar structure as Station Eleven‘s: there is a main, “present-day” timeline, which throws out hints of events past. Interspersed, and almost in reverse chronological order, Mandel gives us chapters that delve back, illuminating events in certain characters’ pasts that explain some of the otherwise-bizarre and/or inexplicable decision her characters make.

The novel is a nuanced examination of obsession, and also the ways in which childhood trauma can impact lives – directly and indirectly. The characters are three-dimensional, interesting and distinct. It is filled with amusing and interesting observations about language, culture, hipsterism (a little), and the aforementioned obsession.

Here’s one example, an analogy about Quebec and its position on language, French-vs.-English:

“The Québécois are speaking French with an accent so ancient and frankly bizarre that French people from France can’t understand it. It’s like a fortress in a rising tide of English. It’ll be like research for you.”

“What do you mean, a fortress?”

“Imagine a country next to the sea,” she said, “and imagine that the water’s rising. Imagine a fortress that used to stand near the beach, but now it’s half underwater, and the water won’t stop rising no matter how they try to fight it back. Eventually, in the next century or so, it will more than likely rise over the top of the walls and overwhelm them, but for now they’re plugging the cracks and pretending it doesn’t exist and passing laws against rising water. I’m saying that French is the fortress, and English is the sea.”

And another, which is something that resonated with me on multiple levels (it’s a criticism that can be attributed to any number of situations):

“You know what bothered me about it? Everyone was supposedly committed to the pursuit of truth and beauty, or at least one of those things, but no one was actually doing anything about it, and it seemed all wrong to me. The inertia, I mean. The inertia made everything seem fraudulent. There we were, talking about art, but no one was doing anything except Lilia. She was taking pictures. She spoke four languages.”

“Five.”

“You’re counting Russian? Anyway, what I’m saying is that no one was doing anything important except her. She worked as a dishwasher, she lived cheaply, she took beautiful pictures and translated things. She never made any money off it, it was just something she did. The point is, she never talked about it. She never seemed like she was posing. She never theorized or deconstructed. She just practised her art, practised it instead of analyzing it to death, and it rendered the rest of us fraudulent…”

Last Night in Montreal has some rough edges, it perhaps meanders a little bit as the characters indulge in a fair bit of navel-gazing, and it isn’t quite as assured or polished as Station Eleven. But, it certainly shows the promise that the author would fulfill in spades. With a gut-punch of an ending, this is a novel that has stuck with me.

If you are looking for an interesting, well-written novel, then Last Night in Montreal should suit your needs. Recommended.

[thecagedbirdsingsoffreedom]

I just had another conversation with E.

I don't quiet understand how we started talking about it either.

But now I'm stuck in my head with so many thoughts. I can't sleep. I need to relive them and push them back.

I have so many emotions to sort through.

I guess I should start with clarifying something.

I'm trying to help M.

He looks... so on edge. I'm worried about him, but after consulting with E I figured I would acquiesce in his request.

He wants comfort. He wants to be needed.

I can give him that. Well, more like I can give him the illusion of that. Faking it has always been my thing after all.

I just don't think he's able to separate reality from illusion.

Case in point, the events of today.

He almost kissed along my neck. Honestly, it made me sick. I have love for him, I do, but I could never.

I know I said never with you, but honestly this is a different kind of never.

I can not fathom the idea of him with me in any capacity. I've never had that inclination towards him whatsoever.

Plus I still dream of you. So really, everyone is fucking off the table.

Sometimes when he's holding me, I just pretend it's you. It makes the action more genuine and easier for me. I sink into the illusion of you he can provide in exchange for my comfort. It's almost a win-win in a twisted way.

So I'm back to doing this shit.

Which I was telling E about.

And somehow within my recounting my day it switched to us and our relationship and struggles throughout the years.

All the mistakes, miscommunication, and struggles. All relived.

It prompted the question of why we didn't try to make it work.

And I finally had to tell him. Partially and not fully outright, but I think he got it.

I didn't like it.

I never want to make him feel anything less than and yet I feel like that's what I constantly do. Even with you I had this same issue.

But I explained our reconnection.

And now I'm just there. Reliving it.

I needed you to get me out. I needed you to pull me out of the water again. I was drowning on land and you did what you've always done. After he broke me, it was like my dad took free reign on my meekness to hash it out on me about the business and the family.

I couldn't do it anymore.

So I called you, but in calling you I had my answer.

I didn't realize it at the time, but the reason it never worked out with anyone else was because it was always you. You were who I always reached for when I needed it. The answer was always you.

I didn't trust anyone like I did you. I didn't count on anyone like I did you.

The reason no one else worked was because they weren't you.

You'd gotten inside me on a deeper, unconscious level.

You've always been my rock. You're the person I could count on no matter what was going on. We could have gone years without speaking and sometimes we did but if I called you... it didn't matter. You'd come to me. Always. And I knew that deep in my core, in my very soul. I knew you were always with me no matter what. You'd proven that to me over and over again like no one else had. There was no doubt and no hesitation.

And you did. I called you and all I had to do was say your name and within hours you got me.

You didn't say anything until I was in your arms. Just one word and you dropped everything and came to get me. No explanations except asking me where I was and you showed up two hours later.

Nothing mattered. Absolutely nothing.

And when I told you everything.... you took care of all of it.

I never had a doubt that you wouldn't.

That's why it could never be anyone else. It didn't matter how much I tried to fight it and go against it. It didn't matter that I tried to have anyone else.

I knew it was you in that moment. I knew that it'd always been you. I wanted things from others that you were already and had always given. I expected shit from people as if they were you. As if they could possibly replicate you.

The idea was so ridiculous, I can't believe I entertained it for so long. There could never be someone else. Sometimes i think you knew all along that I'd come back to you. I'm not sure if that's why you were so confident in letting me go for long stretches of time, but if you did do it knowingly I wouldn't be surprised.

It's not Es fault. I don't think it's anyone's. It was just timing, the circumstances. You'd been working on us from day one. From whatever moment you decided I was it, was the moment you spent investing into us.

I have never for a single second of my life ever doubted my importance in your life. Never. You put in the work to make sure I knew my place in your life. There was never any doubt or second guessing, you made sure of that. It didn't matter if you were dating a model or investors daughter. It didn't matter if you out dining gorgeous or smart women. You set up a foundation so strong that I knew, because I knew it down to my bones, that I'd never be second to them.

They could be anything more than me. More beautiful, smarter, funny - it didn't matter. I knew I was above them where it mattered.

That's why nothing ever worked long term. Not for you, and certainly not for me. After the honeymoon was over I'd analyze and compare and at the end of the day no one was you.

And I'd lose interest.

And that's how I'd string along one, two, three and beyond until they ultimately fell short.

I remember our conversation right before we took a new step in our relationship.

You were unforgiving and so assured of us that I couldn't even fight it anymore.

There was only one hesitation you had and that was E. That was the only thing left, but I remember the look on your face when I'd confirmed what we both knew.

That I'd gone to you. I chose to go to you without a second thought.

And then you fixed me. And for once, I let you entirely.

You gave me everything back and then some. You got me back to life. You polished and worked and no one has ever given me the level of confidence you have. I hadn't ever been so at peace before.

You focused solely on me, completely unrestrained.

You worked me until I was back to a semblance of myself. I was a mesh of new and old. With you behind me, I walked with my eyes closed. I don't close my eyes with anyone because I try to be that level of comfort for them. You were the only one I could walk with blind, because I trusted you had me.

And when I finally allowed myself to fully fall into you...

I can't imagine anyone else now.

There is no one else.

That's why it wouldn't have worked in the long run.

I don't deserve the love E has for me. I don't deserve it. I never will.

I'll never be able to reciprocate it in the same way.

Because that's something I gave only to you.

In the moments when I've needed someone the most, even to just talk about triumphs, you'd always been the first person that came to mind. You're still my first and last thought of the day.

I don't think I'll ever be able to love someone like this again. It all went to you and you took it with you to your grave.

It's so sad. Everything is so sad about all of this. You, me, E, M and even A. Even her dumbass.

Even if we'd done our best, I don't think it would have worked.

Because there is and will never be anyone but you.

[traumatizedbymay2016]

"I can't vote for Biden! He didn't fix everything in under four years!"

"I can't vote for Harris! She used to be a cop!"

Ok. Ignoring the fact that there's about an order of magnitude more reasons to keep Trump out of office than there are for either of them, do you really think that even the perfect presidential candidate would actually fix everything?

Let's pretend you got your perfect presidential candidate, whatever they look like.

They've never made a mistake in their lives in spite of having a career's worth of political experience and they oppose everything you hate and support everything you love. Let's even pretend they get elected president. Congrats!

They can make no long term legal changes unless Congress has majority support for their ideals, because executive orders can and often do get overturned as soon as the next president is in office - one of the first things Biden did was throw out a bunch of Trunk era executive orders.

They run the real risk of whatever actual legislative progress they do manage to get through getting overturned by the courts unless the Supreme Justices are in favor of their ideals. (They also will struggle to get favorable justices appointed without the aforementioned legislative support).

They have their maximum term of service capped at eight years. Do you really think you're gonna find another flawless candidate in under a decade? What about again in fifteen years when perfect candidate two runs out of time? Are you going to find someone flawless every eight years for the rest of time?

Even with the Supreme Court's recent ruling, there is little-to-nothing a president can do to institute permanent change unilaterally unless they're inclined to stay president for the rest of their lives, which I think we can all agree is a bad thing. Even if you somehow found a presidential candidate who met every single moral expectation you have while somehow also being willing to fully abuse presidential immunity, that is a short-term fix. You are expecting a single person to fix the entire system in the same amount of time it takes to get a bachelor's degree.

If you actually want change, you have to understand that it takes a system to change a system. You have to vote for the best available candidate not just for president, but for every single position you have the chance to vote for. If you don't like any of the candidates, 1) congrats on managing to morally equivocate things that have a clear difference and 2) vote for the one you hate the least and run third party in your local elections, because that's where a third party has to start to actually get anywhere, for all the same reasons that your hypothetical perfect president can't fix anything listed above.

But it doesn't stop there either. You think voting is the end of participation?

You need to attend protests. You need to write or call your representatives. Donate to organizations you support. Actually f*cking participate instead of just trying to get points for being the most holy online.

And realistically speaking it goes a step further than even just participating. You need to have an understanding of how the systems at play work not just in a theoretical sense but in literal practice. We can grandstand all day about the problems with the existing system and how a better system should exist and it will never change the system before us.

Let me make this clear this is true even for non-USAmericans.

Systems in both individual governments and international politics work the way they do for a reason, and while almost all of them should probably be different than they are, they aren't. We have them as they are.

If you have a hot-button issue, instead of crying online and abandoning all hope, actually make an effort to understand why it is the way it is. You literally cannot lose out by doing this because the only possible outcome is that you end up better equipped to actually solve the problems you care about.

To use a contemporary example: Democrats not explicitly condemning Israel; something something the US is a pro-genocide country, right?

Well, it turns out there's a pretty good reason not to do that, if you bother to look in to how the foreign policy machine works. If the United States formally condemns Israel, they lose a lot of the leverage that they have at the negotiation table where they are currently trying to manufacture long-term peace, as opposed to a ceasefire. Doing so would worsen the chances of Netanyahu going rogue and doubling down on strongman rhetoric and behavior, meaning more people dead and in danger, while also failing to honor formal agreements and thus eroding trust in America (as an international power, not just from the perspective of negotiators in this particular conflict, but in every other treaty that America is party to.

It turns out that there are other systems by which pressure can be applied on the international stage than literal callout posts, and the Biden administration has been engaged in more pressure on Israel than any administration in recent memory. I'm going to mix up all of the details of these if I try to summarize them here, so instead I'll just link a source: Foreign Policy with Beau of The Fifth Column.

And here's the bottom line.

You do not get to live in an ethical vacuum, because this is the real world and things have more complex consequences.

Donny T's allies and platform potentially deprive you of the ability to vote in the future. He thinks that protesters should be crushed. He openly admires authoritarian strongmen. He's not unique in this stuff either; every strongman and dictator I have ever bothered to learn about does the exact same things.

While I personally have had my expectations exceeded by our current president, I understand that there are legitimate flaws and mistakes that need to be criticized. As hopeful as I am, I'm not gonna pretend that I think Kamala Harris is perfect either.

But the political plank that no one is talking about is that Biden before and Harris now both believe that you should be allowed to disagree with them. Hate them, even, if that's your cup of tea. Protest their decisions, condemn them if you have to.

The other guy thinks that if you do those things it should be legal for him to have you killed.

This election cycle - and any election cycle in any country on Earth where one candidate displays authoritarian tendencies - isn't just about policy and morals and ethics, it's about whether or not we even have the ability to disagree next time around.

Maybe you like the idea of living in a world where there can't be blood on your hands because the choice was made for you, but I'd rather live in a world where me and others like me will be. You know. Alive. If I have to make tough decisions and participate in uncomfortable ways and struggle to change systems slowly while being mired down in them and sometimes make mistakes in that process, then so be it. I accept that I'm going to be a part of the mess because I can at least say I fought to change it instead of lying down and letting the worst case scenario happen in the interest of being "over on the bench" and technically innocent.

Increasingly obvious that liberal/progressive/leftist arguments against voting for Democrats are based on the absolutely deranged assumption that all you should have to do to make the world a better place is vote for president

[darkcircles4lyfe]

give me queerplatonic decchan <3

I feel like in this fandom there is a lot of emphasis on proving that Izuku and Katsuki's relationship is romantically coded, as in, "there's no way [insert scene] is platonic" or "he's obviously in love because [insert dialogue]" and that's all fine and good. I happily participate in theorizing all the time because I'm rooting for the ship and at this point I genuinely think Horikoshi is planning something for them. But listen, I'm an aspec lil dude and I can't pretend it doesn't hurt my soul a little bit when the nuance of human connection is boxed up into the narrowly defined categories of "platonic" and "romantic." If we're being totally honest with ourselves, these are complicated, subjective concepts with a lot of overlap that's only differentiated by context. And if you've ever questioned your sexuality, you know how semantic it can get. What's in a glance, a handhold, a longing to have someone in your life?

Maybe you've never given it a second thought, maybe you don't really know what "queerpatonic" means. Generally speaking, it can be a lot of different configurations of not fully platonic and/or not fully romantic/sexual, or something beyond either. It is its own thing, really. It may describe an asexual romantic relationship, or the reverse, what could otherwise be called "friends with benefits." The way I like to think of it is this: there are a wide variety of ways intimacy can develop between people. Romantic and sexual attraction are just two of those ways. And even without the presence of attraction, many of the marks of intimacy we associate with it can still be present.

Izuku and Katsuki have whole lot, and I mean a LOT of potential to explore how their relationship could play out in this way. Going off and listing a bunch of headcanons is kinda self indulgent on my part, but I hope I can show some of you this potential, or at least broaden your perspective. And hey, maybe some of you are already on the same page and this will be as fun for you as it is for me :)

Ok, here we go ->

(cw: very mild vague nsfw mention) 

Give me Izuku who doesn't really understand why interacting with girls is so embarrassing. It's the novelty more than anything; he doesn't... desire... things. Not like some of his classmates talk about. It's almost morbidly fascinating the way Kaminari and Min*ta go on and on. But when Izuku thinks back to moments where he was flustered and felt blood rushing to his face, it was all because of the theoretical implications, not his own emotions. Like, the theoretical implications of what a boy and a girl together could mean. Hypothetically. Izuku only dares let himself contemplate the issue in the privacy of his own room, where none but the most snoopy person with their ear pressed against the door may hear his mumbling as he asks himself what external forces could be pressuring him into embarrassment. As time goes on he gets more and more fed up with these societal connotations and resolves to drive them from his mind. He starts paying more attention to the dynamics of all his relationships, trying to pinpoint what genuine attraction might be, and he realizes something. There is one person in his life whose closeness makes his heart soar, but never race. Ever since he can remember. Is it even possible, Izuku wonders, to have a silly fumbling crush on someone you have known for almost your entire life? Apparently it is possible, common even, if all the osananajimi-themed romance stories are to be believed. This revelation is the most confusing of all. But after many sleepless mumbling nights, Izuku is left with this simple truth: he will treasure whatever he can get from Katsuki, whether they are merely rivals, friends, or the most important people in each other's lives. Whatever they are destined for, it will be more than enough.

Give me Katsuki who literally and figuratively doesn't give a fuck. Never spared a second thought for sex or romance in his life. Even if he did have the time, he doesn't care. Doesn't care what people think about that, either. Plus, to begin with, he sees getting close to people as a vulnerability, and vulnerability as weakness. I mean, we're talking about someone who couldn't even admit Shouto was his friend. It takes him a very, very long time and heaps of humble pie to start questioning that mindset. But when he does, it all comes crashing down around him. What's really important to him, if not just his own superiority? Who is really important to him? WHY. Why is Izuku always there at every turn, and why does he kinda not hate that anymore? Never mind attraction though, that's still not in the cards. This is something else. Izuku is like a fact of life, a necessity. Now that Katsuki is free from the burden of his own guilt over their past, he realizes that though he said he doesn't expect things to change between them, he wants them to. Almost dying for Izuku made him realize their lives are one and the same. With the physical reminders now on his skin to mark this fact, he feels a magnetic pull. He longs to hold Izuku, not just his hand but his whole form, solid and real and alive. He wants to never let go. But he cannot act, at least not yet. He'll keep up the guise of their rivalry, but only just, ready for the occasion when Izuku gives him a sign of wanting more. Then he will open his arms.

Give me Izuku and Katsuki who dance around each other quietly, delicately. At least, what passes for such in their terms. They're still loud and abrasive, but there's an almost imperceptible bubble. Maybe those closest to them might notice a certain hollowness and tension. How their conversations are like some zany improv skit. They’re hyperbolizing themselves, all while casting thoughtful stares when the other isn’t looking. Neither one knows how to proceed. Such a relationship as it has been is like a habit they lean into in favor of the abyss of the unknown that gets harder and harder to ignore. But they are changing. It’s invisible until suddenly it isn’t. Suddenly they come crashing together and it’s as if their intimacy has been there all along, unspoken, yet complete. They have so much to say, and a long awaited handhold to sum it up with. Horikoshi, grant them the time to put it all into words.

If there is a world beyond the war, give me Izuku and Katsuki who slow down enough to really listen. Not only do they to know each other instinctually, but deeply and utterly. And thus, they also know themselves. They have a physical language all their own built from years of fighting which grew into competition which grew into teamwork which grew into an inseparable symbiosis. But it doesn’t end there. Izuku talks to Katsuki the way only someone who has waited a lifetime for this moment can talk. Katsuki talks to Izuku like every word is a privilege he has been granted. Whether by crying or laughing or screaming or whispering, they listen in turn. Their relationship as viewed from the outside looking in is as confusing as ever, but for different reasons. Instead of wondering whether Izuku and Katsuki are friends or enemies, people wonder whether they’re dating. Friends and family swap stories in an effort to make sense of them. Shouto thinks they’ve been married for years. Mitsuki is certain a mother knows when her son is in love (No, she will not elaborate. She isn’t certain at all, actually.) Mina is running around gathering evidence for a kind of relationship gossip masters thesis. Her story changes at least once a month. Some of them may have placed bets. The media is the worst, with press constantly asking probing questions about their behaviors and shared lives. Fans ship them, obviously. As for the pair themselves, they actually get a kick out of messing with everyone. They use the term “partner” liberally, for both their personal and professional roles. Coy, barely deniable public displays of affection are teased, only to have their meaning denied. Katsuki’s shit eating grin is the bane of everyone’s existence, matched only by Izuku’s wide innocent eyes. This whole act, it’s payback for all the amatonormative* bullshit.

(*amatonormativity: the societal expectations and norms placed on people regardless of orientation to prioritize romantic relationships, inflating their importance and emotional value)

No one else would understand everything Izuku and Katsuki have shared. People would write it off as romance in denial. Or at least that’s what they believe. While playing the game in public, they explore their actual relationship in private, away from judging eyes. Every step of the way they talk through their feelings and comfort levels, which are not always aligned, but nevertheless accounted for and hashed out. There are times when they muse about language and meaning. Izuku finds he has a kind of attraction that sparks from time to time, a sudden, fleeting, burning fascination. Katsuki can’t really relate, but making Izuku happy brings out a particularly mischievous glee in him. Yes, that includes the pleasures of their bodies, but not in the usual way. It is mutual, but simultaneously separate, just another facet of their boundless familiarity. Mostly, they express themselves in subtler ways, almost subconsciously. In a rare moment of piece and quiet, they casually lounge together like a couple of cats. Drape an arm around a shoulder. Nuzzle into a chest or a neck. They figure they have a monopoly on holding hands; no two other people in the world could claim so much meaning in the gesture, nor hope to fathom it.

. 

.

.

Bonus:  Their loved ones are finally made aware of what’s going on through some dramatic scenario, barging in on a private moment probably, which has them begging for clarity. When it’s explained how the pair don’t feel comfortable defining their relationship by any traditional means, the general response is a resounding, “THAT’S IT? Why didn’t you say something earlier?!” Both Izuku and Katsuki are still loathe to give up their game with the public, though. In a way, all the ambiguity was a true expression of how they saw themselves. So as a way of reconciling, their inner circle is brought into the scheme. For example:

An interviewer sits across from Tenya on a nighttime talkshow set, shifting their weight and preparing to change the subject: “From what I can tell you’re still very close with your former classmates, correct? The whole lot of you have been causing quite a stir on social media lately. You must understand, from our perspective, one finds it hard to tell whether this is merely an inside joke.” A screen behind them flashes a series of tweets, beginning with a bold statement from Shouto. “Theory: my best friends got married for the sole purpose of making me their unsuspecting third wheel.” There’s a picture of the three of them eating dinner at a fancy restaurant. Tenya comments a stern reminder to respect their privacy. Inko shares yet another photo of her son and Katsuki sitting arm in arm on her couch with the caption “I know what you mean! They’re too cute to handle!” Ochako, Mina, and Denki are in the qrts all claiming one or the other is dating them instead. 

“Perhaps you can shed some light on the subject?” the interviewer prompts. Tenya’s practiced emotionless expression hides an almost impossibly compelling urge to burst into laughter. With the glare of his glasses hiding the mirth in his eyes, he says curtly, “Ah. Deku and Dynamight? Yes, you’d be hard pressed to find partners as closely bonded as they are. Very admirable! But I can tell you with the utmost sincerity that it’s not what you think.” The interviewer visibly deflates. Well, so much for that. 

[misteria247]

First just wanna say I’ve been reading Universal Collision and I am in love with it I can’t wait for the next chapter any ways on to my question. In the rise of the tmnt movie( I hope I’m not spoiling anything for you) Mikey was able to open a portal to get Leo out of the prison dimension and in doing that there was obviously going to be some damage. Now if the rise turtles were to meet the 2012 turtles after the movie and Mikey is wearing bandages around his arms and hands and 2012 Leo notices how Mikey winces in pain a little when he flexes his fingers or how his hands sometimes shake especially when he’s drawing and once he finds out what happened he offers to use the healing hands to heal him. How would Mikey react to that?

First off I'm so happy that you like my fic and that you're looking forward to the next chapter!! (Hopefully it'll be good lmao). Now to answer your question-!!

Hmmm I think that if 12 Leo had met Rise Mikey after the events of the movie at first he'd probably be very watching Rise Mikey very closely, especially his hands to see if there really is an issue there before he offers helping. Once he sees the tremors in the box turtle's hands he'd feel a pang of sympathy for him, since 12 Leo himself struggles with injuries such as his knee and knows how upsetting and life changing an injury like his and Rise Mikey's could be in the long run.

12 Leo would see Rise Mikey put on a fake smile and pretend that he's okay even though he can see the flashes of pain and sorrow in the youngest turtle's gaze whenever he'd try to draw or do simple tasks. It wouldn't take long for him to finally get the courage to offer his healing hands to Rise Mikey, because even though he's not exactly his little brother, he in many ways kinda is as well. And 12 Leo will always have a soft spot for his baby brother no matter how much time passes. So he'll find a chance to speak to Rise Mikey privately and tell him about his healing hands and caution him that even if he does this there may be a chance that his hands may never fully heal since the healing mantras can only do so much and performing them takes a lot out of 12 Leo (hence another reason he speaks to the box turtle privately about it knowing that if his brothers caught wind of him trying to do it they'd be pretty upset with him). Rise Mikey would listen to him and curiously ask how 12 Leo knows that this might not fully work. He'll get his answer when 12 Leo pats his injured knee and explain why he knew it because he personally tried it on his own injury. The younger Hamato will think about it for a beat but after thinking about the possibility of at least easing his pain and tremors he'll take it.

It'll be a secret between the two of them, of two people who were injured while trying to fight an enemy and protect their loved ones despite the consequences of those actions. Bonded by their love for their brothers and the life changing injuries that they'd be stuck with for the entirety of their lives. But they don't regret it because if they needed to they'd do it again in a heartbeat. They'd have an understanding that only they could have because of these injuries making their friendship even more stronger than it was before.

[the-bau-quinjet]

Tolerate It

Summary: Reader struggles with feeling like Hotch is growing distant.

Pairing: Aaron Hotchner x gn!Reader

Category: fluff/angst

Warnings: the reader has thoughts/feelings of inadequacy

Word Count: 3200+

Notes: This is my entry for @railmereid‘s 2k writing challenge! It was inspired by Taylor Swift’s song tolerate it! I think there’s only one direct quote (I’m begging for footnotes in the story of your life). 

You met Aaron on accident. It could be said that a lot of people are met on accident, and that’s just how people meet other people. But with Aaron it felt different. It felt as though every little thing that went wrong that day lead you to the accident that would introduce Aaron Hotchner into your life.

After the shit show that was today, all you want to do is get home and sleep. Maybe also eat dinner, but honestly even food is on the backburner of your mind right now. 

Your drive home from work was the first uneventful thing to happen all day, a necessary moment of peace. You made it into your apartment without any trouble, swiftly moving to change into your fluffiest pajamas and sleep.

The second your head hit your pillow, the fire alarm sounded. The blaring alarm screeched in your ears as you groaned. You forced yourself out of bed to comply with the alarm. Without thinking, you put on your slippers, grabbed your keys, and walked out the front door. 

Once you made it to the street, you turned to see the building really was on fire. It looked contained to one patio, but it was big enough for you to give up your plans of sleep. Instead, you chose to turn on your heel and walk down the street to escape the crowd. 

You didn’t have a plan as to where you were going. You just wanted it to be quiet. Before long, you found yourself in a park. Looking around, you spotted an empty bench. Perfect. You can just sit, enjoy the quiet of the park for however long it takes to fix the fire issue. 

You start trekking toward the bench, now walking with a purpose, when you notice a man chasing his child. The child laughs loudly, joy so clear on his face. The man smiles at him, still running behind him. 

His smile is so infectious, it has its own magnetic force pulling you towards him.  Switching directions from the bench, you are now walking toward the grassy area they are playing in, not looking at your surroundings. You’re so captivated by the happiness on display in front of you, you don’t notice the change in terrain. 

You end up tripping on a rock, falling and tumbling down the slight decline to land in a heap at the feet of the very man whose smile distracted you.

To make matters worse, he was not stationary. No, that would have been to simple. He was, in fact, still chasing the child. So, rather than rolling to a stop and looking up at him, you rolled right into him, causing him to lose his balance and fall over you. 

The two of you were a tangled mess of limbs piled on top of each other. Slowly, carefully the two of you separated, gingerly moving arms and legs to avoid further injury. Helping each other rise from the ground, you were both speechless, equal parts amused and horrified at what just happened. 

“Are you okay?” 

You jumped at the sudden intrusion that brought you back to reality. Spinning around, you realized it was the child. 

It took you an embarrassing amount of time to form a response. “Oh, um... yes I’m okay. Thank you.” Turning back to the man, you finally realized what just happened. “Oh my god. I’m so sorry! Are you okay?”

He chuckled, a small smirk appearing on his face before he replied, “Yeah, I’m fine.”

“Oh, good.” Your relief was short lived as you realized what you were wearing and how you were dressed. “Please tell me you didn’t see me roll all the way down the hill?” You cringed at the thought. 

“I could say it, but it wouldn’t be very honest.”  Again, a small laugh left his lips. 

“Do you think we could pretend?” You took a deep breath as he quirked his eyebrow. “Ya know, that I didn’t just make a complete fool of myself?”

“But that’s not true! Daddy said when something’s not true it’s a lie and lies are bad.” The boy chimed in again, earning a chuckle from both adults. You bent down to talk to him. 

“You are absolutely right, lying is bad.” You nodded along with him, matching his serious expression. 

He took in your expression, as if judging the sincerity of your statement. Slowly, a smile began to form as if he was glad you agreed with him. “Do you want to play tag with us?”

Looking from him to his father, you took the slight smile and nod of his head as an invitation to accept his offer. “I would love to.”

That series of accidents led you to where you are now, though. A year and a half later you are sitting in your shared home, watching Aaron Hotchner do paperwork for what feels like the millionth night in a row. More realistically, it is the ninth night in a row, but you’re feeling lonely and dramatic. Those nine nights have been spread out over the past month, interrupted by nights he spends away from home.

You yearn to be closer to him. All it would take is for you to cross the room, but it feels as though the distance from the couch you are lounging on to the desk he is working at is too far, like there is some impassible divide preventing you from interrupting him. 

So you just keep watching. It has been 36 minutes since you started your observing. If he sticks to his pattern, he’ll pause in nine minutes to stretch, giving him the opportunity to notice your eyes on him.  You’re hopeful that this time he’ll smile when he sees you. 

So you wait. You watch him read. You notice the way his head dips just a bit lower as he tries to focus tired eyes on the smudged handwriting of a fellow agent. You notice how his hand squeezes the pen tighter than before, turning the once smooth glide of ink across the page into rushed, jagged strokes of letters. You notice the barely there wince as he flips the page, the result of the familiar feeling of a paper cut he’s grown all too used to. You notice everything he does. Which is why you’re not surprised when he speaks. 

“You’re staring.” 

Glancing at your phone, you note the time. Nine minutes later. Right on schedule. The smile you hoped for is noticeably missing, replaced by a curious tilt of his head.

“I’m basking in your presence.” 

If he wanted to, he could figure out how lonely and dramatic you are feeling. But with the majority of his energy still directed towards the many reports on his desk, he only notices the surface level. Tired, slightly miffed, but enjoying that he is home.

There was once a time when he would have noticed it all though. A time when he noticed everything about you, sometimes before you had even noticed it about yourself. You’ve learned how to hide it though, to save him the energy that would be expended to profile you. 

“You should consider a new career path. Comedy could really be for you.”

His deadpan joke doesn’t surprise you, but him rising from his desk chair does. For a minute, you expect him to come to you. To attempt to cross the impassible divide you’ve built in your head. Instead, he turns into the kitchen. He pauses at the island, drinking from the glass he never brings to his desk to prevent anything from ruining his files. 

When he returns to his desk, squandering any lingering hope that he may have been done for the night, you rise. Unwilling to do what you had hoped of him, you turn away from his desk and move toward the stairs. Just before you lose sight of him, you turn back. 

“Don’t forget to sleep tonight.” 

Your tone is soft, emphasizing your concern to cover up the lingering loneliness. 

“I’ll be up soon.”

You respond with a slight nod of your head, another thing unnoticed by Aaron as his eyes never left the files. 

You flitter through the second level as you complete your routine to prepare yourself to sleep for the night. 

You can’t help but notice the cold sheets on the empty side of the bed as you wait for Aaron, knowing you’ll likely be asleep before he comes to bed. 

--

You’re surprised to wake up the next morning with Aaron still in bed next to you. You watch his chest rise and fall with the steady in and out of his breath. His face is fully relaxed, a sight you so rarely get to see. 

You’re not sure how long you watch him sleep, but you notice when his rhythmic breathing changes pattern indicating he’s waking up. His eyes flutter open slowly, allowing you to see the exact moment he notices you. 

“You’re staring again.” 

The smile you are still hoping for is again absent from his face, too used to the frown that has taken over his features near permanently for the past month.  

“I’m still basking in your presence.”

You notice the beginnings of a grin forming on his face. The twinkle in his eyes. The slight twitch of his lips. It’s nearly there when the moment is interrupted by the distinct, shrill ringtone indicating a call from the bureau. 

You watch as he sits up to answer the phone with his typical “Hotchner”. If you hadn’t spent the last year noticing everything you could about the man, you would doubt that he had been asleep less than three minutes ago. 

His brows furrow, his body leaning forward to sit a little straighter as he takes in the information from whoever is on the other end of the phone. His eyes trace the pattern of your comforter, up until he throws the blanket off of himself to rise to his feet. He’s changing into his suit before hanging up. Without even hearing his responses, you can tell where this is headed. 

After he hangs up, you speak before he has the chance. 

“I take it you won’t be here for dinner with my parents tonight? I’ll try to reschedule it.” 

The question should express your loneliness, but you do well to hide the full truth. It’s easy to sound understanding because you are. You do understand, which is why you never plan to tell him how you feel. 

The grim expression is enough for you to know you’re right, you don’t need the verbal confirmation. You nod your head, a smile on your face that doesn’t meet your eyes as he walks out of your bedroom. 

--

While Aaron was away, you did everything you could to keep yourself busy outside of your typical 9 to 5 workday. Aside from the typical reading, cleaning, and TV watching you normally do you; you successfully navigated another conversation with your parents about why it was necessary to reschedule dinner a second time and played action figures with Jack, always in agreement about how his daddy is a hero. 

Every night you found yourself staring at the door, hoping it would swing open and reveal him on the other side. Every night you grew less hopeful and more discouraged than the one previous. 

--

Five days after he left, Aaron returned to your shared home. Despite the late hour, you waited for him on the couch. Knowing he probably hadn’t eaten dinner, you kept some food warm for him. 

When the door swung open, you were in front of it in seconds. You pulled him into a hug, one he was too exhausted to reciprocate, and kissed his cheek. 

Moving farther into the house, he dropped his files on his desk swiftly turning to head upstairs. 

“I kept dinner warm for you.”

Your words stalled him at the bottom of the stairs. He turned around slowly, barely looking at you.

“I actually ate with the team tonight.”

His words hit you like a bus, but you turned to hide it. He didn’t eat with the team often, so you never blamed him when he stayed with them a bit longer than usual. 

“Oh, okay. I’ll just put it in a container for tomorrow then. Did you want to talk about the case?”

You’ve always been willing to help him carry the weight of his job, but you’ve been trying harder to get him to open up this past month. Typically he brushes you off, tells you he’s fine, and then buries himself in paperwork. 

He surprised you this time. Maybe he could tell you were upset, or maybe he was just too far in his head. Either way, rather than continuing on his path up the stairs, he moved to sit in the kitchen while you put the food away. 

You listened as he ranted about the local officers withholding information about the case. You listened as he complained about the poor weather. You listened to every word, slowly washing and drying the dishes until they were sparkling. You listened until you were practically asleep, leaning against the sink. You didn’t dare to interrupt in fear he would shut down again. Or maybe it was you shutting down, but that’s a thought for another time. 

When he finished talking, he rose from his chair, too worked up to sleep now, he sat down at his desk. 

You watched, noticing everything you could. 

--

Your weeks repeated much the same for the next few months. Your loneliness morphed into something new with each night you spent watching Aaron work. 

It’s one such night when everything changes. You were trying to watch him work, but your thoughts drifted away from his actions as you lost yourself in your memories. 

The first case Aaron went on after you moved in with him and Jack was the hardest for you. After a straight week of seeing him so often around the house, it felt like a slap in the face to come home and not have him there. Somehow you made it through, and you were clingier than usual when he came home. 

He noticed how it affected you. That was before you started hiding your feelings from him. He told you he thought about you in every spare moment. That he wanted to solve the case even more than usual just so he could come home to see you even just a few minutes sooner.

He calmed all of your fears, protecting you from your own intrusive thoughts about holding him back when he was working. 

You couldn’t help but think about every time he recognized how you were feeling and did what he could to help. How he would reassure you that he wanted to be with you, bringing you little key chains or stuffed animals from the cities he travelled to. How he would smile when he saw you. Where was that man now? 

You thought back to the first day you met Aaron. It was like he saved you from a terrible day, bringing a smile to your face after hours upon hours of crap. 

“Do you think we could pretend?” You laugh lightly to yourself at the memory of Jack telling you not to lie.  Not realizing you spoke the words out loud, you’re surprised to hear Aaron from across the room.

“Pretend what?” The confusion is clear in his voice and the furrow of his brows. 

“Hmm? Oh, um. I was just thinking about the first day we met.” Tears begin to brim your eyes as you think about how much everything has seemed to change. “And how you became my whole world and now I feel like I’m begging for footnotes in the story of your life.” The tears are now freely falling down your face. 

Aaron looks even more confused now. “What?” He’s frozen at his desk, pen in hand, reports on the surface in front of him. 

“I’m so sorry. I just feel like I’m taking up so much of your time and you have such important things to do! God, I’m so selfish. I’ve tried so hard to hide it though, so you can focus on people who actually need your help.” The panic in your voice grows as you speak, along with the tears falling from your eyes. 

“Y/N...” Suddenly, Aaron is on his feet, easily crossing the imaginary divide you’ve built in between the couch and his desk. He slows down, moving gently as he pulls you into him on the couch, moving your legs across his lap so he could pull you into his chest. “Sweetheart, you could never take up too much of my time.” He speaks slowly, so as not to start another round of sobbing. 

“What?” Your confusion is clearly communicated with the one word question, but you’re on a roll with your feelings so why stop now. “Are you saying it’s all in my head? Bu-, but, but you’ve been so busy every time you’ve been home! I’ve barely seen you, and I’ve tried so hard to not let it bother me because I know how important what you do is! I do, I understand it all so much. I could never be mad at you for working so hard. I just feel like you’re tolerating me being here when you have so many more important things to do.” 

Now breathless, your rant ends with more tears forming in your eyes. Aaron is quick to wipe them away as they fall. “You’re right. I have been busy.” His voice is full of concern and regret as he thinks about the past few months. “But please don’t ever doubt for a second that you are the most important thing in the world to me.” He pauses for a second before continuing. “Well, other than Jack.” This earns him a slight chuckle from you before you reply. 

“Jack is the most important to me too.” Your clear your throat, hesitant to voice your next question. “You’re not mad at me?”

Aaron looks so taken aback, you would laugh if you weren’t so nervous. “I could never be mad at you. Especially not for having completely valid feelings. I’m so sorry I haven’t been as present as I should’ve been. I love you so much, Y/N. More than I could ever put into words, and I will be doing a better job of showing you just how much you mean to me from now on.” There’s a slight edge to his voice, as though he’s annoyed with himself for you feeling this way. “Please, don’t ever hide your feelings from me. I never want to lose you.” His own voice is cracking, slight tears in his eyes at the idea of you not being in his life. 

“I promise.” You lean up to kiss him, trying to convey just how much you’ve missed him. 

“Let’s go to bed.” He lifts you up from the couch, carrying you toward the stairs. 

You shriek, clinging to him even more. “It’s only 9:15!” You laugh at his antics. “What about your reports?”

“I have more important things to do right now.” He smirks at you, quickly moving into the bedroom to show you just how much he cares about you. 

permanent tag list:

@mac99martin @goldeng1rl8 @measure-in-pain

[myragewillendworlds]

"I disagree that treatments not working and/or pain being extremely difficult means that the person should be given up upon and/or that they should give up and/or that their surrounding should give up."

Treatment providers are not the ones "giving up", they are perfectly willing to keep trying endlessly. It's the patient that wants to stop. This is a matter of personal choice of the patient.

"Death is not and will never be a cure for suffering."

No, it isn't a cure. It's an end, once "curing" has failed and suffering is inevitable (in the eyes of the patient). That's all it can offer.

"As long as we think that patients, and especially patients suffering from mental health issues, are only in such a way because of their illness/disabilities, rather than question their quality of life in its entirety, we'll stay unable to help them in any significant way, and we'll keep using euthanasia against them instead of looking into the real issues they're facing."

This line of thinking is based on the assumption that "we" (or "they", rather) do in fact think that way. I can't speak for other countries either, but I would say this is not the case here in the Netherlands. There is plenty of room for progress, there always is, but there is financial aid here, there is local aid that helps people re-integrate into society, come out of social isolation or find meaningful day activities attuned to their needs and abilities. I've written about my thoughts on assisted suicide before, and have said that any such clinic should have strong connections with all forms of help; medical, social, financial, spiritual, and anything else. But I would also say that, while I do continue to advocate here for better interconnections between facilities, they do exist.

What I'm saying is that there will be people for whom no amount of help will be enough; they just don't want to go on any longer. Who are we to decide that they should, to force them to?

You want to improve quality of life, but you also have to face the fact that it cannot be perfected, that that is idealistic and worth pursuing as much as possible but not literally reachable, and there will always be that person who'll say their life simply isn't worth living anymore. Euthanasia isn't telling that person to just die, help is still available if they should want to keep trying; but opposing it is telling them they're not allowed to die (or to choose a potentially painful method). And I don't support controlling other people's lives in that fashion.

"It is very much about hating disabled and mentally ill people."

It's not, you're just projecting.

"And I'll bet anything that the person you know has more issues than suffering of mental health issues, it's all connected."

Then that is a bet you just lost, because this is another baseless assumption that simply isn't true. This is my problem with this line of thinking. You say "I wouldn't be able to debate about whether the person you're talking about should or shouldn't be euthanasied" but then you go ahead and draw your conclusions anyway. It's arrogant.

I don't fully pretend to understand their choice either; I'm simply saying it's not mine to make. All I can offer now is my support.

I doubt euthanasia care globally is exactly perfect, and mental health care definitely needs improving everywhere, as do its connections with other forms of help. But these things can and should exist next to each other; euthanasia as an option for those people who truly want to seek it out. The moment you chime in with "I don't believe they really want that" you are speaking over them and taking control away from them. I believe in listening to people's own voices and letting them decide for themselves. That's my stance in all of these "controversial" topics, really.

The more I dig into the question of euthanasia, the more I'm against.

Did you know that in Belgium, during 2020-2021, 92 people got euthanasied because they suffered from psychiatric illnesses or cognitive issues?

18 for depression/bipolarity, 49 for dementia, 10 for personality disorder, 6 for what is called "nevrotic", 3 for schizophrenia, 4 for neurological disorders like autism (I doubt it's only autism but it could be ADHD and all that stuff, it's not said), 2 for illnesses like anorexia. None of those had a short lifespan left btw.

This looks very much like hating disabled and mentally ill people. :)