#I was like I should really up my desktop to good use somehow

[princesscallyie]

Hey everyone, just wanted to pop in and say, I have 4 more commissions in this set and I'm trying lol. You know, it's just same old kiosk shenanigans where I cover shifts cause people call out and I get only get one day off and I come home tired and all that lol.

But I did brainstorm a solution for that. I'm thinking about trying streaming out for art. Maybe having a set time to draw and people watching will help. Then maybe I could do paid requests or set up commissions on there? idk i didn't think through the details yet. But I did make myself a little vtuber to use if I did want to do it (will post that in a sec)

[damnfandomproblems]

Re: 8224

Sometimes, I go on anon because I'm not comfortable opening myself up to harassment. The vast majority of people who reply to stuff here seem to be levelheaded, but lately I've been seeing a lot of people read things that weren't stated/implied, and they go off the rails on an assumption. At least if they somehow read one of my anonymous statements wrong, they can't dogpile on me unless I admit off anon that I sent the ask.

I just wish that sometimes people would reread the thing they were upset about so they could go "oh okay actually that statement DIDN'T say the thing I thought it did". But we're all only human and mess up sometimes, I suppose. Sometimes original posters aren't as clear as they could be, and sometimes people aren't as clear in their replies. Regardless, I don't like getting myself in the middle of messy debates, so that's why I prefer to go anon.

Posting as a response to a previous problem.

Including an additional anon reply to the same problem:

Anon:

Conversations via ask box are a staple on blogs like this, are they not? This is a venting blog. Problems are posted anonymously from the get go because even submitters don't want to draw attention to themselves, it's a space to yell into the ether and then retreat without scrutiny. If you're somehow okay with that, but you take issue with people responding to those problems on anon, sorry but that's a little hypocritical. And I'll just point out that you, yourself, submitted your problem on anon and you didn't come out and provide your own url. So that's definitely going to raise my eyebrows.

And as a mod I feel I should weigh in, I have no problem handling anon replies the way I have been doing. But I do feel sometimes as if people get so used to submitting them this way that they may forget that comments and replies are available. I do hope people at least ask themselves if a reply really needs to be sent as an anon message or if it can just be a comment, (since I'm sure trying to follow these conversations backwards one link at a time can get confusing) but if that answer ends up being yes, no matter the reason, the inbox is fine. These anons do bring up good points that there are people online who have a tendency to interpret completely harmless comments in the most uncharitable ways, so I don't blame people for feeling worried about attaching their username even to benign replies.

Having said that, I don't think I've ever clarified my preferred format for replies. If you're replying directly to the original Fandom Problem post, all you need is the corresponding Fandom Problem number. You don't need to include a link to the post. If you are responding to another response, including the full webpage link is helpful. I can easily copy it and include the link in the post. I don't really know why people started only including the number sequence portion of the web page link, but it is my least favorite way to receive these replies since it usually includes copying, opening a new tab, pasting, then copying the full link to include it in the post. Which is of course doable, but makes things trickier so I prefer to handle these when I get home to my desktop, whereas the others are easier to post with my phone no matter where I am, so it may mean these replies have a slight delay compared to others.

I don't expect that everyone will adhere to these, but just in case it makes any difference.

[krscblw]

Ghoul scent associations pt. 4 - Imaginary Authors edition

Imaginary Authors is one of my favorite perfume companies, and I recently got samples of their entire collection! Of course, my first thought was to apply that to the ghouls. So here that is!!

Some of these are ones that I used on other lists that I still agree with, but most of them are new. Also, as is the nature of using a very limited number of options, not all of them fit perfectly, but I did my best, and I think like 90% of them fit very well.

Usual warning: This might look weird on mobile, but it should be good on desktop. Apologies, I'd fix it if I knew how.

Aeon: TELEGRAMA – Imaginary Authors 

Talc, lavender absolute, black pepper, teak, amyris, vanilla powder, fresh linens

Telegrama is a very powdery, peppery, gentle lavender scent that fades into soft vanilla. If it was a color, it would be a gray-purple so pale it almost looks white. It’s comforting but not childish, classic but unique. It smells like Aeon’s particular brand of simple comfort. 

Aether: Blend No. 83 – Imaginary Authors 

Dark chocolate, sugar cane rum, Arabica coffee, velvety foam, benzoin, musk

Blend No. 83 is a sweet, musky, chocolate-coffee scent modeled after an espresso martini, but it isn’t as gourmand as it sounds. It settles into a dark musk with the suggestion of coffee and chocolate. It’s grown-up but not at all boring, just like Aether.

Alpha:  BULL'S BLOOD – Imaginary Authors 

Geranium, Spanish rose, patchouli, black musk, tobacco, sandalwood, bull's blood

Bull’s Blood is very musky, smoky, and spicy, and comes on strong enough to knock you over. However, it’s also very sweet, and dries down to more of a smoky-sweet almost-floral. It’s not too serious but has an almost shocking intensity to it, and is potentially polarizing – like Alpha. If it was a color it would be dark burgundy. 

Cirrus: SAINT JULEP – Imaginary Authors 

Sweet mint, tangerine, southern magnolia, bourbon, grisalva, sugarcube

Saint Julep is a very sweet, realistic gourmand with notes of mint and tangerine in the foreground and bourbon in the background. Despite being lovely in a very straightforward way, it’s dimensional and grown-up, which reminds me of Cirrus, and has light, minty notes that remind me of air as an element. 

Cumulus: FOX IN THE FLOWERBED – Imaginary Authors 

Jasmine, tulips, frankincense, wildflower honey, pink peppercorns, silver thistle, alpine air

Fox in the Flowerbed is a very pretty, cloying, sweet jasmine and honey scent that makes me think of a field of wildflowers high up on a mountain. This scent is sweet and sticky but also light in a way that reminds me of Cumulus. If it was a color it would be pale blue. 

Dewdrop: A CITY ON FIRE – Imaginary Authors 

Cade oil, spikenard, cardamom, clearwood, dark berries, labdanum, a burnt match

This is very smoky and woody in the beginning, but it fades into a sweet berry scent. It really does smell like fire and matches. It reminds me of spending all night next to a bonfire. It’s almost overpowering at first, but sweet underneath, just like Dew. 

(Also, this was one of the fragrances that solidified Dew's scent for me. All the other ones I've picked for him are based on this lmao)

Ifrit: O, UNKNOWN! – Imaginary Authors 

Black tea, lapsang souchong tincture, orris butter, Kyoto moss, musk balsam, sandalwood

This is a very subdued, powdery black tea scent. It’s musky and dark, very mysterious, and somehow not at all gourmand. It’s dark and faintly smoky in a way befitting of a fire ghoul, with the black tea scent that I associate with Ifrit. If it was a color it would be a gray so dark it’s almost black.

Mist: FALLING INTO THE SEA – Imaginary Authors 

Lemon, bergamot, grapefruit, lychee, tropical flowers, warm sand

Falling into the Sea is a sweet, citrusy, tropical scent that has a balmy, sandy, coconut background. It smells like a tropical beach on a perfect day. If it was a color it would be the shade of teal that super-clear water is. I typically associate greener, more aquatic scents with Mist, but this fits a different interpretation of her. Mist in a very good mood, maybe. 

Mountain: CAPE HEARTACHE – Imaginary Authors 

Douglas fir, pine resin, western hemlock, vanilla leaf, strawberry, old growth, mountain fog

Cape Heartache is a gorgeous, sweet pine and strawberry scent. It’s very forest-y without being too atmospheric, and it smells like the fantasy version of a lush, foggy old growth forest. It feels very slow, peaceful, and grounded, and is a mix of masc and fem, which reminds me of Mountain. (Also I smelled this for the first time and absolutely fell in love with it, which I kinda did with Mountain too lmao) If it was a color it would be the silvery green of evergreen needles.

Nimbus/Aurora: SLOW EXPLOSIONS – Imaginary Authors

Saffron, rose absolute, leather, apple, benzoin, cashmeran, Arpora night market 

Slow Explosions is sweet and fruity with an earthy element from the leather. It’s pretty and almost delicate until you register the deeper, more grounded notes, similar to the way Nimbus seems dainty at first glance but decidedly is not. Overall lovely. If it was a color it would be glowy yellow-orange.

Omega: MEMOIRS OF A TRESPASSER – Imaginary Authors 

Madagascar vanilla, guaiacwood, myrrh, benzoin resin, ambrette seeds, oak barrels

Memoirs of a Trespasser is a very woody scent with a little bit of smokiness and vanilla. There’s also something a little bit animalic. It reminds me of a late 1800s adventurer type with lots of maps and wooden chests full of interesting things. It’s sophisticated and mysterious with a sense of worldliness that fits Omega.

Rain: EVERY STORM A SERENADE – Imaginary Authors 

Danish spruce, eucalyptus, vetiver, calone, ambergris, Baltic sea mist

This scent smells like a rocky coast, lined with evergreen trees and blanketed in mist. It’s cold, multifaceted, and surprisingly magnetic (like Rain). I don’t usually like aquatics but this is beautiful, it's one of my new favorites from Imaginary Authors. If it was a color it would be dark greenish-blue. 

Sunshine/Stratus: IN LOVE WITH EVERYTHING – Imaginary Authors

Raspberry, citrus pulp, coconut palm sugar, Madame Isaac Pereire (rose), sandalwood, tropical punch, stardust

This scent is very raspberry/fruit punch heavy with a sandalwood undertone. It isn’t overwhelmingly sweet, but it’s very fruity. It’s Miami-in-the-80s themed and that definitely shows. It’s playful, fun, and sweet-but-grounded, just like Sunny. If it was a color it would be magenta.

Swiss: A WHIFF OF WAFFLECONE – Imaginary Authors 

Vanilla, salted caramel, Saigon cinnamon, heavy cream, sandalwood, orgeat, scoop shop

This scent is a gourmand with a woody background. To me it smells like burnt sugar, heavy, clingy sandalwood, vanilla, and sweet spices. It’s more mature than the notes would lead you to believe. It isn’t the type of scent I usually associate with Swiss, but I can see it fitting an alternate interpretation. Maybe quint/fire or true multi Swiss. However, it does have the sweet, intense, almost smothering qualities I associate with him. If it was a color it would be the very light gold of slightly caramelized sugar. 

Zephyr: YESTERDAY HAZE – Imaginary Authors 

Fig, iris, cream, tonka, tree bark, walnut bitters, orchard dust

Yesterday Haze is a smooth, creamy but dry, slightly sweet scent. It smells sort of antique, but not outdated. It’s sophisticated and very pretty, like Zephyr, and has the dusty, powdery feel I associate with them.

(One of my absolute favorites from IA, for what it’s worth)

Thank you for reading!!

[andmaybegayer]

Last Monday of the Week 2024-12-16

Entering the Holiday Vortex any day now

Listening: The soundtrack to Cats: The Musical because I have never stopped being a musicals nerd. Prompted me multiple times to check if they got rid of a fun part from a song in the 2019 movie and they always did! Got rid of Deuteronomy's 99 wives, entirely dropped The Moments of Happiness, and in order to resolve that, here's The Moments of Happiness.

One of those bizzare meandering songs.

Watching: Watched Get Out because I figure I should get the Peeleverse going.

It's good! It does a great job of making you deny the very obvious fact that the girlfriend is extremely in on it the whole time until you can't anymore and it's like, yes, of course, she is not somehow being manipulated or brainwashed she's just as into this as the rest of them, it's very smooth.

Love how every single person talks like an evil vizier.

Reading: Started The Parable of the Sower. Look there's not much to say that hasn't already been said, Butler is a good author, I only just started but it's interesting to read this like, half imagined half lived reference to what it feels like to be surrounded by abject poverty. It's bad! It's not a fun experience, and I think this is a really good coverage of how it feels to be in this environment and how it affects the way you think about people.

It stands out to me that one of the big themes being set up here is the protective and isolating force of walls, which. If you are ever in South Africa you will notice immediately the shockingly large number of walls. Every single house has walls, and the richer an area is the higher the walls are, in Soweto every little house has a meter and a half high brick wall, my suburbs had two meter walls, Sandton has three meter walls, topped over with electric fences. This is probably not an experience you have had. Going to other places and finding that they just. don't have walls. It's very strange.

Still getting going! Going to be interesting!

Playing: More! Cyberpunk. The city design is crazy, it's so heavily layered in many places. They do funnel you into a few more heavily designed zones so you don't notice the emptier areas as much but the designed areas are SO huge. Layer upon layer of detail and flash and colour. It makes Skyrim and GTA V look like sandpits.

Hit level 20 netrunning the other day and it's extremely fun to hit people with the ten thousand beam attack the second they pop their head up. You really have to lean on your abilities and cyberware if you want to survive which is nice, very much aligned with the game. I am pleased to notice that the DLC includes a copy of the CP2020 rules which I have been rereading. Friday Night Firefight is such a good read.

Making: 3D printed skull! RobotOS stuff! Lots of middleware stuff that doesn't lead to much.

Tools and Equipment: I keep saying I'm gonna talk about Distrobox. Let's talk about Distrobox.

Distrobox is a container management tool that goes basically the opposite way to every other container system, and aims to tightly integrate the containers it runs with your desktop system. Containers run in distrobox inherit your home directory, access to most peripherals and hardware, tie in to your display manager, and as much as possible try to act like they're meant to be part of your base system.

It can use podman, docker, or the bizzare ultra-lightweight userspace-only container manager lillipod to host containers, which means that in that last case you can run it on any system even if you don't have root, I've done this on my work dev server at $oldjob before we got Podman on there.

This means that, for instance, you can directly access your files from the container without having to mess with complex shared mounts or copying files back and forth, and it allows GUI applications launched within a distrobox to just appear on your desktop as though they were native.

This allows you to mix and match packages and features from a variety of different systems very easily, and is particularly handy for developing for multiple distributions or using tools that only really ship for one distro. At work I had to run mksusecd to build some install images and rather than deal with trying to set up mksusecd on Ubuntu, I just dropped into a SUSE Tumbleweed distrobox and got to work. Worked great!

I've also used it to sandbox messy development environments and I'm currently using it to host a robotOS learning playground on my desktop without having to look after an run a whole VM or anything. It means that the install of neovim and zsh and whatever in the Ubuntu container directly inherit my standard config files and even have access to the same plugin ecosystem as on my base system!

You can heavily customise your distroboxes, allocating them separate homedirs if necessary, exporting apps from inside a distrobox to the host system so you can seamlessly run them as though they're installed on the host, and more weird designs. Really handy tool!

Here's some reading if you're interested

Containers are really cool.

[sim-berry]

Reminders for the upcoming TS4 update!

Simmers, the new expansion pack For Rent comes out on December 7th and as we all know, big updates can mess with your game especially if you use mods. I've learned my lesson from the last few updates and I'd like to give some suggestions to help!

Note: I use the EA App for Sims 4, on a Windows computer. The methods I describe here will probably not apply to MAC users. I also don't know if these work for pirated games so just be careful!

-BACK UP YOUR SAVES. Just in case your save gets corrupted or the update somehow manages to lose your saves (this has happened to me- after the update, my saves were gone). Here's what I do:

Navigate to your "Sims 4" folder. In my case it's Documents>Electronic Arts>Sims 4.

Find your "saves" folder and right-click to copy it.

Paste your copy of your saves folder to your desktop (some people paste to their external hard drive as well, but I'm not sure how to do this)

Right click on your copy to rename it. It's a good idea to write the date on which you copied your folder. Here's my current backup:

Your saves are now backed up! If you lose your files in the game or they become corrupted, open up your backup folder, then select and copy all the files in the folder and then paste them into your actual saves folder. Your saves will then be restored! You should do this every so often just in case. I try and back up my saves once a month.

-Turn off automatic updates. This way you can choose when to update your game. I personally wait until mod creators start updating their mods and then update the game.

Open the EA App and head to your settings, then the "downloads" tab.

Turn off the "update games automatically" option.

When you're ready, update the game and enjoy!

-Follow mod creators on social media. If you use mods, it's a good idea to keep up with updates and what the creators are up to. When there's a huge Sims update, many mods (especially script mods) tend to break and need to be updated by the creators. Keeping up with them allows you to see what their plans are for updating the mods. Creators use many different platforms, but from what I've seen most tend to use Tumblr, Patreon, and Twitter/X to post updates. If I find a mod I really like, I always follow the creator. They also deserve tons of support for their amazing work!

-Know which mods are broken and updated. In addition to following mod creators, there are multiple threads that log all mods with each update. They tell us which mods are broken, which are updated, and which were unaffected by the update. If you're experiencing a glitch with a mod, you can report it on these threads. Here are examples of threads from previous updates:

Always check these before writing to an official Sims/EA forum about a glitch. If you use script mods, the bugs you're experiencing will most likely be from these mods. Also, if you use UI mods like UI Cheats, don't freak out if your UI looks like this:

Your game isn't corrupted, the mod is just outdated. UI Cheats almost always breaks after a big update. The creator of UI Cheats updates frequently, so make sure to check up on their Patreon page.

-Check in with the community if you have a bug. The Sims Forums, r/Sims4 on Reddit, and Simblr are good places to go if you have a question about a bug you're having. r/Sims4 was a lifesaver for everyone who had the dreaded tooth glitch in Growing Together. If you're having a non-mod related bug, chances are others are having it too, so don't feel afraid to ask!

I hope this helps some of my fellow simmers. Good luck with the new update and pack, I can't wait to see how my favorite Simblrs use it in their stories and gameplays!💖

[k00299539]

LSAD Seminar 01: Colour Theory with Sylvia Shortall

What is Colour Theory?

In it's most basic form, colour theory is the study of how colours relate to one another and how this, in turn, affects our perception of them. The feeling or emotion evoked by a colour or combination thereof is of particular interest this field of study.

Above: An old RTE test card from 1978 recorded by Andrew Walmsley on Youtube.

The Medium Affects the Message

An important consideration when discussing clour and colour theory is through what medium the colour is being perceived. For instance I have two desktop monitors; A pen display for digital art and an old Dell monitor from a million years ago. Due to differences in technical specifications and calibration they display colour slightly differently. The pen display is marketed toward artists for its colour accuracy, whereas the Dell monitor was basically made to for looking at spreadsheets. If I slide a picture across from one monitor to the other, I can observe the colours change in real time. In this sense, the accuracy of colours is something we can take for granted.

Above: A video which explains digital colour and how images are projected onto monitors.

Enter PANTONE

So if we can't even trust a colour to look the same between two different monitors, how on earth can brands like Coca-Cola or Starbucks slap their logo on every conceivable product under the sun with one recognisable colour?

Well for better or worse the answer is Pantone LLC and their proprietary Pantone Matching System (PMS). Basically Pantone have a specific formula to render any given colour in any given format. For instance an average computer monitor recreates colour through backlighting hundreds of tiny pixels varying shades of red, green and blue. This is known as the RGB colour model, which is considered "additive" as the colours "add" together to create their intended effect. Print media on the other hand, uses the CMYK colour model. The is a "subtractive" colour model, where the cyan, magenta, yellow, and black (K) mask one another out gradually until the desired tone is created. Pantone somehow they were able to copyright this process and have people pay them for it. If it's not obvious, I hate Pantone and here's a video that should explain why:

Above: A good video about a bad company.

Janine Antoni - Loving Care, 1993

Sylvia actually recommended I research Janine Antoni for my project, so I was happy too see her work show up in this seminar. Personally I feel colour is one of the less important aspects of this particular piece, but all the same, it's roll can't be diminished either.

The use of commercial hair dye, Antoni's long hair and the act of mopping play into stereotypes of women and their gender defined "roles" in life. The gallery floor becoming covered in dye and the audience being gradually forced back out the door they came in can be seen as an act of reclamation. In this sense Antoni is challenging gender roles by using the traditionally feminine to accomplish the traditionally masculine. For me, it brings to mind the contrast between how men and women sit in public spaces, the phenomenon of "Man-spreading". Something that is seen as a faux pas for women but normalised for men. Antoni makes the viewer confront this kind of everyday sexism.

I think she choose a monochrome colour palette here for the contrast. The deep black on the brilliant white. The Yin and Yang of those shades is often said to represent men and women. I'm gonna move on now cause I'm really just rambling about a piece of art I enjoy.

Above: Hair dye charts bear a striking resemblance to Pantone swatch booklets.

Colour for Legibility

Many maps, such as the famous London Underground map designed by Harry Beck, use abstracted visuals and colour to distinguish between and make clear what might otherwise appear as confusing and arbitrary.

Above: You can tell me which one of these two maps is more legible...

Similarly road signs are specifically engineered in such a way as to be legible under any given time of day or weather condition, regardless of colour.

The Politics of Colour

Colour can mean a lot more than simple aesthetics. As Sylvia points out in the lecture, there can be strong political associations with specific colours. A powerful example of this is how our public post boxes in Ireland were mandated to be painted green after the country achieved independence from British colonial rule. In fact the shade of green was entirely arbitrary, one could argue the act was more about the removal of the distinctly British-associated shade of red, which itself speaks volumes of the power of colour.

A similar example of the political power of colour was the #Blackout campaign to protest against racism and police brutality following the killing of George Floyd.

Copyright and Colour

Left: Yves Klein, Center: Anish Kapoor, Right: Stuart Semple

A bit similar to Pantone and their patented method of matching colour, a number of artist have gained infamy for their roles in legal ownership and exclusive use of colour.

Yves Klein, an influential french artist and pioneer of performance art. Klein, in collaboration with Edouard Adam, created a vibrant blue, reminiscent of the lapis lazuli used in medieval paintings of the Virgin Mary. This shade was dubbed International Klein Blue or IKB. Klein registered this process with the French patent institute in 1960 but never formally patented it.

Renowned British-Indian artist Anish Kapoor, known for sculptures such as "The Bean" and Sky Mirror, was granted exclusive artistic use of the super-black coating Vantablack by it's creator Surrey NanoSystems in 2014. This provoked widespread criticism across the art world.

Kapoor drew particular criticism from Biritsh artist Stuart Semple. Semple, in retaliation to Kapoor's exclusive licensing of Vantablack released a shade of pink paint called "PINK – the world's pinkest pink paint" with the specific legal caveat that it could not be purchased by or for Anish Kapoor. This spurred him on toward a movement of democratising colour, creating affordable alternatives to patented shades such as the aforementioned Vantablack but also to Yves Klein's IKB and even an alternative to Pantone's matching system.

If it's not obvious I think artists have legal exclusivity to materials of any kind is an affront to art itself, and I'm happy to see people like Semple challenging the practice.

Above: Anish Kapoor's now iconic reply to Stuart Semple after getting his hands on PINK.

Stanley Whitney and Colour

Stanley Whitney is an American painter known for his use of colour and politically motivated art. I included a video above where he talks both about important political causes like contraceptive rights and also his feelings on colour.

What I admire specifically about Whitney's work is his persistent use of a loose grid as a composition. It highlights just how much emphasis he places on colour. What speaks to the viewer in a Stanley Whitney painting are the colours and their relationships between one another.

[nerdynuala]

Hi!!! Your hcs are relaxing, could you ask for some of hange ofc about her normal daily life? Like... I once saw one about it being very canon that she would have an ipad with something like 10000 games.

Hello! Sorry I'm answering late to this, had a busy week.

Sooo I suppose this is about modern Hange's daily life! I haven't really thought of modern AU in general but this sounds fun, especially because now that you mention she would have loads of games on her iPad I have to mention the ONE headcanon I read about a while ago, that has stuck with me forever. That one headcanon is the absolute truth to me. I'm so sad I can't credit it properly because I don't remember who posted it, but that genius of a fellow Tumblr user pointed out Hange would have this song set as default tone for her mobile. And honestly, I can't unsee this lol

Anyway, this one wasn't mine, so have some of my own:

(using she/her pronouns since the ask uses these)

- Her laptop's desktop is a mess. She "loses" folders or documents once or twice a week. "Leviii I swear I did nothing! Nothing at all! They just keep disappearing, I didn't even click on anything"

- She goes to bed at ungodly hours, but despite the lack of sleep she does not have even the slightest hint of eyebags. Lucky one.

- Yes, iPad with 1000 games but only uses two or three. She still plays Fruit Ninja. One of her favorites is Among Us, especially when she gets impostor. She does get caught most of the times though, because she's too impatient and ends up being uhm not-so-stealthy.

- Oh and she definitely plays Pokemon Go. Opens it once a year really, but she never ever got rid of the app on her phone.

- Sings in the shower. She's definitely not a good singer, yells too much and is constantly out of tune.

- Do not ever look at her YouTube playlist. Most random videos on that. You can find silly songs such as Narwhal, Dewgong and Capibara, and then a bunch of random science videos. Has watched videos about how Romans pooped and Roman baths like a hundred times. Her favorite YouTube thing is still the llama Carl though.

- Has a lot of plants in the house but they're all dead or about to die. She has a little plant that somehow has managed to survive and sticks with her. She talks to the plant as if it was a pet.

- She will never admit it to Levi, but when she does not want to do the dishes, she eats straight out of the pan.

- Wouldn't be bad at cooking, but lacks the patience for elaborate dishes. Ends up cooking very quick things and eats a lot of pasta with different sauces because that's quick. She also has it al dente, not because she knows that's how it should be done, but because it's quicker.

- Can't stand when it's hot in summer and strolls around the house with just her panties on. The neighbors on the opposite building have seen her naked through the windows more than once. She just does not bother to pull the curtains.

- Sleeps on her back most of the times and snores a lot.

- Her natural time to wake up in the morning is around 11 am. Before that, she can wake up but feels extremely groggy.

- Owns plushies. But not teddy bears and common stuff. She has an axolotl plushie, a kiwi bird plushie, a dodo and a platypus.

- She has this thing to go the beach or the pool. She loves it.

[gamesfan34260]

The new PC saga

So recently I had a hardware failure with my old desktop computer. It's served me well, my little war machine has been marching on for what must be a decade now. (I don't know when I got it exactly, but that feels right) However, it started having more and more issues that I, at the time, chalked up to the hard drive (The thing that keeps all your files long term) and it's definitely not helping, but I discovered that wasn't the issue.

Turns out the power supply was actually at fault for a lot of the issues, like it turning off randomly and restarting…or freezing moments after booting, I'm not sure how that works but sure. Anyway, order a new PSU and it works fine. Clean out my PC which I hadn't done in-well, however long I built it because my PC is right up against the wall of my tiny room, so I can't really do that without a whole saga full of me stabbing myself on a table, so I tend to avoid it if I can.

I figured, however, that it was time for an upgrade anyway so I waited for my new parts to come after making sure the rest of the PC was fine and I didn't lose any important data. Today is the day that I finally got the last part of my new PC (Which, the BIOS is not a part I expected to cause me problems but I guess it didn't like my HDD because it refused to boot until I enabled a specific setting)

Now, what I failed to mention is that I have this beefy aftermarket CPU cooler, I think it's called an EVO 212, and it's great at making sure your computer is chill! Like, I forgot to plug the fan back in and it still worked just fine…minus the metal part being a burning hazard to any fool who dares touch it. (I am the fool) Problem is: this cooler is so beefy that it doesn't actually fit in my case properly, I need to wrap the case's cover over it, which isn't ideal to do with inflexible metal but I did it somehow!

So I did a bit of reading and people were saying the stock cooler for the new CPU, an i5 12400F, is actually pretty good. I decide "y'know what? Maybe I should just give it a try" and was THAT a mistake! Now, it's been a while since I used a stock cooler, but I don't think they ran at 45C when doing nothing! Idle, I expected about 34C, not sometimes hopping up to 60 for funsies to make the fan say hello!

"Well, maybe it just sucks at staying cool when idle, maybe the heat dissipating really gets going at faster speeds" is what I thought but….the fact it reached 100C would say otherwise. I understand I'm a bit out of the loop when it comes to how modern computer hardware operates after my first and only time building a PC, but I don't think that's the new normal.

…I think I should just go get stabbed by a table again to swap out the cooler, even if it is very inconvenient. I can't be dealing with that.

[jattendschaton]

Hey! I'm just someone random but I saw your post from a few days ago talking about how you can't unsend messages on Instagram until the recipient accepts your message request. I ran into this issue recently myself, and I found out the solution after messing around a bit.

All you need to do is log into your account on the desktop browser version of IG and go into your messages. At that point go to the conversation, click the three dots next to the message you want to delete and then "forward" "copy" and "unsend" should pop up. I tested it on some of my own accounts and from what I've seen, if you do it this way the recipient will have no trace of the message you sent.

Oh my goodness hi thank you!!! It was so kind of you to message me this solution!!!

I logged onto my account on a desktop browser and actually it looks like the messages are already gone somehow?? I don't know, I unblocked the artist yesterday to see if the messages would still pop up and they did (so I reblocked them to continue my attempts to hide), but when I unblocked them today to try your solution, they were already gone. I checked again on mobile and even there it looks like the messages are gone ?? I honestly have no idea why but !!!

Even if I didn't actually get to use your solution, it still was helpful to get me to check again and find out the messages were gone. And if this ever happens again, this'll be the first thing I try. Genuinely, thank you for your help—it was really lovely of you to reach out with your expert Instagram knowledge, I really hadn't even thought of trying to fix it over desktop!

[ca-highway49]

Welp

I actually haven't gotten the desktop update yet but the way Tumblr's denizens have been complaining about the looming algorithm reminds me that Tumblr was made as a blogging or micro-blogging platform. I know the difference does matter, but it hasn't enstated a 256 character limit (although, fanfiction writers are vexed by the limits of characters/lines, a limit is here!) so it must be a blogging site.

No one remembers what blogging is, since now it's a thing influencers do to become copyrighters, doing free influencing to "gain experience" which sounds just miserable. But I think blogging is like having a diary entry, not like Tweeting, which admittedly a lot of my posts read like. They are one or two lines, sometimes with mangled punchlines, or just a mean observation of the day.

There is also art which I believe in spreading. That's the one thing that reblogging as probably been turning this site into something it wasn't from the beginning, because if the next few paragraphs is more personal, you may be confused on if I want it to go viral or just be widely spread, (as opposed to just posting art without blogging, but then, why are you on Tumblr? Because somehow the users of Tumblr are kind of unique, and blogging would be good for showing the WIPs of a long piece or showing off a portfolio) but after all I am publishing it, so I must want someone to see it. This week has been slow on art and I will get to why, but I did one ArtFight Piece, which I am proud of, mostly because of the background as the form was hasty. That doesn't mean no one can think the form is good, it's just about how I produced the piece. I got the pose completely wrong, so stiff, and then fixed it real quick.

No matter what, it's cartoonie and loose. It is a drawing of SundaePlaza (Sp on AF and Sp on Twitter) The pose was the most inspired part, hand-in-hand with me seeing Super Mario in the character description and erroniously pulling Kirby and then going back and seeing Kirby explicly called as an inspiration they would love to see in Blondie (the character) art. Really a star would throw you around quite a lot unless you leaned into the turns, something I was reminded of earlier this month subway surfing.

I meant to work on JPB every other day besides ArtFight, and Undermoon on the other days since I was jumping into it so happily I thought I should spread the love onto my preexisting comic. But Stardew Valley has eaten my brain. And I'm reading more this side of the month because things have settled down compared to earlier. It's really hot out, and I like to read outside, and lately I've been so conscience of heat exhaustion, but my hair has gotten long enough to wash it in the morning, and then go out with a cool head. I used to wash it at night and wake up with it sticking straight up, well ordered enough naturally, I never gel it.

I've also been working on learning to crochet but it's going slowly.

My poor old cat didn't eat this morning because I was carpet-cleaning with the loudest machine ever. He has been losing weight. I took an oddly shaped matt of his knee last night and he seemed more sore than grateful, and he left a big hairball in the bathroom last night. He hates to be brushed. Who knows what to do with him, give him a Lion Cut I guess, but I don't want to trust groomers with him. The kittens are alright.

I've been catching up on Reading Glasses, which has a lot of ads.

[hunterofthehunters]

15) Adios

Lots of thoughts from this one. Content warning, I’m gonna talk about a pet that passed away, along with other thoughts.

A few years back, when I was still in college, I had a dog. First dog that was ever really my responsibility. My friend, my family, my buddy. 

Beautiful black lab named Hana. Smart dog, listened really well, had a bark as loud as a dog three times her size. And she was already pretty big. She had a habit of following me around everywhere, always wanted to be with me. Whenever I’d do my pacing when thinking about something while writing, or anything really, she’d always be right up my butt. Bumped into me a few times, almost made me trip. I got mad at her sometimes for that. But she’d always give me that sweet look, and it’d be right back to how things were. Loved that dog.

She got cancer less than a year after we got her. Young dog. Raised her from being just this little pup. Felt like we’d had her for years. Gone, just like that. 

I remember sitting by her in our living room that summer, while she was sick. Lost a retail job that I was balancing in-between work because I just couldn’t handle coming and going every day after sleeping next to her, seeing her suffer, wondering if things would ever get better. They did. We had hope for a bit that she’d fully recover, even. 

Then it came back. And she died within the week. 

I remember not wanting to do anything that month. I just couldn’t. I was lucky it happened during summer break. I might’ve flunked college completely if I didn’t have the time to grieve. 

I remember when they made the decision to put her to sleep. I didn’t want to. But she was hurting. And she couldn’t take any more. 

I never went with them when they left. I kept hoping some miracle would happen, but it didn’t. She went there without me that day. My parents were the ones who said goodbye that day. 

Whenever I go back to that moment, I wish like fucking hell I’d sucked it up and been there to say goodbye. So she knew that I loved her, down to that last moment. 

Her ashes are on my shelf to this day, resting right over my desktop as I type these thoughts out right now. I wonder if she’d be sitting near my chair right now, sighing happily as she drifts off to sleep. I can only hope she doesn’t resent me for what I didn’t do that day.

Why am I bringing this up? Adios brought me back there, for a bit. 

Adios is a role-playing game. You’re not playing as ‘yourself in a situation’, though maybe you’ll see yourself sometimes. You’re playing as a man who lived a life full of regrets. A man who wishes he could’ve done right by the ones he loved. This is his story. You just get to bear witness to it.

Maybe you’ll see something in that. A mirror, maybe. Or maybe you won’t. Fact is, this is a game about mourning. Mourning ones we’ve lost. Mourning decisions we’ve made. Mourning the decisions we didn’t make, or should have made. 

Knowing your death is coming is a rare privilege in some ways. A curse in others.

I don’t know where I’m going with this, honestly. I just wanted to talk. Maybe there’s some parts of me that never fully grieved, that this helped me sort out. Or maybe I just need to reflect. Either way, it was a good experience. I think some part of me really needed this. Appreciated sharing in these thoughts with someone else. 

We had--well, have--another dog. Quite a few other dogs, but this little boy’s special. Little fiery chihuahua named Bruno. He was with us with when we lost Hana. Had him before her for about a year, and he was with her when she was growing up. Was supposed to be mom’s little buddy, but when Hana got sick, he was with me in the living room every night. We slept next to her, were with her every step of the way. Guess somehow we bonded, because ever since then he’s taken a similar role that she had. A buddy who follows me around, keeps me company. Makes sure neither of us are alone. 

I think, when the years pass and it’s time for him to go, I’ll make up for what I didn’t do last time.

Adios means goodbye. Make sure you say it when you need to.

‘Til then, I’m gonna enjoy our years together.

Love you, little dude.

[beyondthetemples-ooc]

MY LAPTOP IS HOME TwT

And the keyboard works beautifully and it booted up and let me log in, and I didn't have to get a new one!

It's now slower than I'd like though. I thought the tune-up might fix that, but alas. (To be fair, it IS almost 10 years old... Maybe I should look into getting more RAM installed. It was FINE, tolerable, but the place installed the Windows updates I've been refusing to install because they slow my computer down. /8P Windows alone now somehow uses almost all 4GB of RAM.)

And, uhhm. I... think they accessed some of my files??? I ran a search by Date Accessed because I've been paranoid (I gave this computer to a place with my login information WITHOUT PASSWORD PROTECTING my tax documents with my SSN and such!;;; I didn't even think to do that until the day after I gave it to them.)

There were a couple that came up for the day I dropped the laptop off at the place, and I know *I* didn't access them. Two of my employment resumes (why???), and a story file. Unfortunately the story file was an emvent and I'm really embarrassed about that, but it has a coded file name that looks like a jumble of letters. An old holdover from when I was paranoid other people would read my stories. Which, uhh, apparently Caused people to read my stories... maybe it looked like a virus or something??? It's... It's just a .rtf, guys... Maybe because the file's so old...?

(Gods, it's not even one of my GOOD ones. That one's from when I was like 12 years old. It's been polished over the years, but it doesn't have the "comfort" side of the hurt/comfort... It's been retconned, as a matter of fact; it was before Dove's backstory got the 2012 update! If they HAD to read the stories I'm the most embarrassed about, I wish it would've at least been a good one... :{ )

Gah. But whatever they've read or seen or judged me for, I can't change it.

It is now safely back in my possession and the files are all still THERE, at least. (Along with a program called CCleaner? When I opened Firefox it went right to the "Thank you for downloading CCleaner" webpage. Did they literally just download a program and run it for the "tune-up" I paid for? I could've done that myself! And now that it's on my computer, I think I will.)

BUT, they DID replace the on-board keyboard, which I was too nervous to do because I'm well-versed in desktop tower anatomy, but not laptops. The most complicated thing I know how to do on a laptop is replace the screen. And the new keyboard seems to have fixed the always-acting-like-I'm-pressing-/ issue!

Apparently it never gave them the issue with booting up, which... I find concerning, because it was CONSISTENTLY doing that for me. But it hasn't done it today, at least... Maybe the tune-up fixed it? Maybe it was a software issue after all?

Shrugs!

I need to buy an external hard drive now though, so I don't lose All the Information and Files and Hard-to-Find Collected Things if/when this happens again. /:}

Oh, and today when I picked up my laptop, I also took in my old external hard drive that I had spilled soup on and lost access to because it wouldn't load on the computer. Because they say they offer data recovery services... We'll see if they're able to do the engineering things that would let that happen.

It would be a dream come true if they're able to get back the old, oooold RPs on that EHD! I've been lamenting their loss for YEARS. Sure, there are old art pieces and screenshots and pieces of Ye Olde Web preserved on it. But it's really the loss of my writings that I mourn the most. And those RPs were FUN! I've been specifically wishing with deep desperation that I could read that RP where Dove made a nemesis. The one where she gets so freaked out, so ANGRY, that she actually attacks their opponent HARD. Hard enough that her telepathic barrage leaves marks on the opponent's mind.

And then the following RP where Dove goes to visit her in the cell afterwards because she realizes, "Oh no. Oh NO, I could've really HURT her..."

And of course there are RPs with Srentha and Kary and Leyla there, too! I think there might be more content written for Kary in the RPs than in the actual official story files.

GODS that would be nice. <8D

[olderjodijournals]

Tuesday, September 2, 2003

Once again, Jodi gets the man and not the woman. Yes, Teddy Bear stood me up, but I, a destined-to-be man’s woman, actually did end up getting it on with the hubby yesterday, something I have mixed emotions about. We couldn’t quite go all the way since it’s been a while and I’m rather tight. He also wasn’t fully hard. I don’t know, though, it’s like so boring and so predictable. I mean, what do we do from here on out – have sex every Sunday evening with neither one of us really into it? Is it really worth the irritation I now have down there?

At the same time, I’d have been pissed if he’d blown me off because then I’d feel like he was a liar.

At least I’m down a couple of pounds, partly thanks to exercising, but mostly thanks to lowering my calories and taking water pills.

Still on a schedule, too. Yesterday I slept in till 9:15 and thought I’d do the same today. But when I opened my eyes at what I thought would be between 10:00 - 11:00, it was only 8:20.

They’re still drilling away in front. Who knows when they’ll be done? The question then will be what happens next? Do more houses come in or does someone move into the one that’s there?

Looks like Tom’s going to be right. His guess is that the little door knockers won’t return. It’s still early, so we’ll see. Meanwhile, I’m armed with mace in my pocket and waiting to settle my curiosity as to what the hell they want.

Hunting season’s begun, but it’s typical so far. Last year they were shooting up a storm from sunup to sundown, but so far they’re packing it in come late morning. That’s how it usually is, too.

Tom did make it to Mom’s and back. They didn’t give us shit for money, either. Tom says that knowing how his family works, it’s a good thing. He says he doesn’t want them giving us little bits here and there which will dampen chances of getting a lot more later on.

Later on when? When we’re really struggling? Is that what mom’s waiting for? For us to hit rock bottom? Well, I think it was highly selfish and insensitive for her not to give us something. Tom’s right; it’s his family so he should know them better, but somehow I doubt we’ll see much from them. He said he “set the stage” by mentioning all the things that are costing us money like flat tires.

And it was greeted with not one offer to help out. Meanwhile, let’s see if they give a damn when we no longer have the money to fix all the things we have that can’t stop breaking. They did give us some soda and fruit drinks but that was only because they didn’t like them. Also, like Tom said, they couldn’t get the Yves stuff because of allergies, but I don’t buy it. There were things in there they could’ve gotten that everybody uses like shower gels, shampoos, nail polish and shit like that that can’t possibly set one’s allergies off.

I downloaded a desktop calendar last night that’s pretty cool and simple to use. You can even use it with your wallpaper, though not all of them look good with it. It’s cool, though, because it lets you put text on important dates, set your own colors and things like that.

Anyway, one of the sellers left positive feedback pertaining to me in the feedback forum which is where sellers and buyers build either good or bad reps. Both sellers say they shipped my dolls today. The CA one should come by Thursday or Friday, they said.

I decided that’s it, I’m definitely going to wait till we go to CA someday and pick out a mannequin in person. Meanwhile, I’m going to get the last diva at the end of this month, the Spring Bouquet Barbie at the end of next, then for once and for all I’m going to get the top 5 porcelains I want – Alexa, Haiku, Blanca, Becky and SW16 Bailey. Maybe I’ll get an occasional Ashton-Drake doll, too. It’s going to take a year or more to save for just the top 5, and like I said, we can never know who may fuck us out of our allowance altogether.

I spoke with Paula yesterday. I started with something like 140 minutes on my phone and ended up with 80 when we were done. It’s the same old shit with her. How many more slaps, how many more nasty names, how much more stress and how much more degradation is it going to take for the self-respect to kick in and for her to dump this Miguel? The little cock’s getting out of jail on Saturday, and Thursday, it’s time for Paula’s favorite pastime – playing court. At least she’s refusing to buckle from the bluffs and threats and plead guilty. She’s going to trial. I’m not exactly sure what’s going on, though. She’s mentioned a million probation violations, along with charges involving Miguel, so I don’t know for sure exactly what’s to take place this week. All I know is that Paula’s the reason Miguel’s in jail. At least someone in this world can get punishment for their perps! Meanwhile, I have to sit and hope I don’t get fucked over by anyone, not just cuz I wouldn’t like that, but because I know they’ll get away with it. They always do.

As for Yves, she’s another dead-end. She’s just too stupid. That’s okay, though, I just got a huge order from them and so it’s nothing that can’t wait. First she wants to send me the money and the form cuz she’s too stupid to write out a money order in the amount I wrote out for her, stick it in the damn envelope, stamp the fucking thing and mail it. Now she doesn’t know what form I’m talking about.

Later…

I talked with Paula some more. In between Miguel, she said she found the form and is going to mail that and the money out tomorrow. Whatever. I mean, I know it’s bullshit.

Anyway, she says tomorrow’s her trial for threatening Miguel, but since threats made to and from any color or race back there is just a misdemeanor, she probably won’t get much more than a few months added to her probation if even that. Out here, unless it’s someone like a pig, a lawyer, a governor, or a mayor getting threatened, it’s only a misdemeanor if a white threatens another white or if a non-white threatens another non-white or a white. If it’s a white threatening a non-white, it becomes an automatic felony. It’s wrong and it’s unfair, but that’s just the way it is.

Wednesday, September 3, 2003

Oh, the lies people tell. Of the three people I bought dolls from so far on eBay, all have said they left positive feedback on my behalf in the feedback forum, yet only one really did.

Ashton’s full of their own tall tales too, telling me they’d send a brochure and an order form for a doll I wanted to see a better picture of when all they sent was a form and note saying they didn’t have any brochures for that doll. Why couldn’t they tell me before that they didn’t have the damn brochure?

I hope they’re done drilling in front as I’m getting rather sick of hearing the drone of that thing. It’s louder than Dan’s was because of where it’s situated on the land and where our house is situated on our land. I think they are just about done cuz it appeared they were pulling up drill bits earlier.

I’m officially off my day schedule now. After a week of sleeping 6-8 hours, I needed to sleep in. The problem with what keeps me from keeping a schedule is that, unlike most people who can still go to bed at their usual time on the days they sleep in, I can’t do that. For me, sleeping later means going to bed later. Maybe, when I get a new doctor, I can ask them why I need so much sleep.

Tom’s thinking of looking for another job because this one’s not looking promising. I still fear us having quite a financial crisis, too. Oh, God, why do you insist on having one person after another fuck us over and why do you let them get away with it?! Why do you always have someone tear us down after we work so hard to get ahead and to build ourselves up?

Anyway, I told him that life is too negative/positive to look for money too close to home. In other words, it’s either shit money close by or more money further away, so he should look further from home, I advised him.

Paula now says she’s going to put a hold on the Yves stuff (though I know she’ll never do it) so she can have money in case she does get thrown in jail tomorrow. She said she’ll call me tomorrow night if she doesn’t and that I should call her if I don’t hear from her so someone can tell me exactly what’s going on.

She shouldn’t be going to court. I tried to tell her that if she thinks there’s a chance she may go to jail, then it’d be silly for her to go to court, but you know Paula; she does all kinds of foolish things. What she needs to do is move without leaving a paper trail and stay out of trouble. That mostly means ignoring the abusive PRs she loves so much.

I wanted to scream when I got Mary’s letter yesterday with more drafts which I told her not to keep sending, but then I was relieved when I read she wouldn’t send anymore. I hope not. I keep trying to tell her to just write the book while she’s in jail, then when she’s out she can organize her book and try to get it published from there.

Unfortunately, I mailed her final book copy to her before I got her letter telling me to wait till she could send stamps (like I’d really get them) so I could get a copy to her with bigger print since her eyes were so bad she already needed reading glasses. I was shocked! Here I was pissed off at going blind in my late 30s, so that must really suck to need reading glasses in her mid-20s.

I’m down to 126 now. I wish I could say it’s due to all the brisk walking I’ve been doing, but it’s nothing I’ve done. It’s all thanks to the water pills. It won’t go no lower than 125. Once I hit 125, I have to practically starve myself to lose anymore, then once I eat normally again, it all comes right back. The only way to lose weight and keep it off naturally would be to starve and I just don’t want to do that. I don’t have the willpower it’d take. Meanwhile, I guess I can’t say all my hard work is going to waste. Exercising like this is keeping me from gaining a lot more than I already have over the last 5 years.

Thursday, September 4, 2003

It looks like we could be on the verge of a storm soon.

The well rig is gone so we’ll just wait and see what happens next. Tom says we’ll be able to tell by the size of the water tank they bring in whether or not more houses are coming.

The irritation I had down there is gone, so now, thanks to my big mouth, we can irritate it all over again at – let me guess – 6 PM on Sunday.

Paula called and said something about her case being continued without a finding until February. She is so lucky she’s not out here!

We decided, what the hell? Why not try some of these home job things and see if they’re scams or not? Personally, if it isn’t us being scammed and if it’s nothing that can land me in jail, then I don’t mind doing a little scamming.

The one we’re going to start with that Tom’s going to sign up for tomorrow is this company that wants you to pay $20 a month for website addresses of companies that want people to do their surveys. They said you can try it for a few days for just $3 and we decided it was worth the $3 to check it out. I still can’t imagine ever having a home job, but we’re going to check into things anyway.

See, the question is, are we going to be compensated for doing as well as we were financially? If so, fate will prevent us from finding any good jobs. It depends on if a financial curse is going to be thrown at us or not. I do know that something does like to tear down whatever we build up so that’s not comforting.

A movie I saw gave me new ideas for the story I’m currently working on. I was going to have the main characters fall in love and for one to get pregnant either through rape or an affair, but decided more was needed. So when I saw a movie about a woman with multiple personalities who was abused as a child, that gave me the idea to make the one that gets pregnant a nut. That way the other one can really have a challenge on her hands! Instead of multiple personalities, I may have her go nuts by having an accident, which would explain why things started off just fine.

Saturday, September 6, 2003

Gee, it would have been just 55 days left with the freeloaders – ha, ha, ha! Oh, how I hope I never hear from them again! I still worry about that, but most of all, I wonder when and where the next place I’ll be stuck in will be. That’s the biggest worry.

You know, I can truly see how those who didn’t know me, who made their judgments based solely on the journals I sent the freeloaders would think I was the antagonizer and that they were the victims. Especially what with how I used race as a weapon. It’s like men who rape, for instance. It’s not about sex for them, it’s about violence, though sex happens to be the weapon. For me, it wasn’t about their color, but about their antics in which I used race as a weapon to further lash out against them when giving them a piece of my mind since I had promised Tom not to lay a hand on them. Normally I’d say that using words was much more appropriate than using fists, but not in that case! Not in that case. How I wish I’d beaten the snot out of that black bitch when she came to our door with her histrionics! I should’ve done that, called the pigs like everyone else does when they have a problem with someone, then claimed self-defense. We were, after all, on our property. I don’t know if a Jew’s word would be taken over that of a non-white, but I should’ve tried, should’ve done something. If I had to go to jail I should’ve at least earned my way in there.

I guess something must want me on days. I slept till noon yesterday so I thought I’d sleep till then or later today, but nope. I was up at 8:30 after just 5½ hours of sleep.

Meanwhile, to my utter shock and delight, I just may be making money after all, though, not a steady income and not much. That’d be okay, though. More is always better, but something’s also better than nothing at all. It’s too soon to tell how it’s going to be. It may take a week or two before I get emailed survey links which will earn me more cash/points than what I’ve been earning so far. With most of the sites I spent hours signing up at, all I can do now is sit back, wait, and hope for the best. Some give cash prizes and others let you earn points for certificates at stores and restaurants. I wish I’d signed up for this before ordering from Yves because one of the sites offers 12 points for every dollar you spend there. With a few of them, however, I could take little surveys for small amounts of points. On one site I already have 300 points. When I reach 8300, I’ll be able to snag their $50 Walmart certificate and get my fake palm tree!

Season one of Charlie’s Angels was released earlier this year on DVD and it’s only $25. I’m definitely going to get it at some point. It’s got 22 shows on 5 DVDs. I hope they release the remaining seasons Kate was in cuz I’d love to have them all. It was my favorite show and she was my favorite celeb so it’d be really cool to have.

The second of the three divas arrived yesterday and she’s even nicer than the first. Her shiny silver gown is really nice as are her silver glittery gloves.

By the end of this month, I hope to be back on eBay in search of the last diva or the other Barbie I want. I also hope my 9 Barbies make it in from CT on Monday. They might’ve arrived today, but Tom forgot to stop at the PO on his way back from the recycling center.

Sunday, September 7, 2003

Maybe I’m not going to be on days any longer after all. I slept till 11:30 today.

Anyway, I just finished working out. Once again, I feel a bit silly working out to weigh the same overweight weight, but hey, if I stopped I’d no doubt be 50 pounds overweight rather than 20.

One of the medical questions on one of the surveys was a bit tricky. It asked, do I consider myself very overweight, a little overweight, a little in shape, or very in shape? Well, I’m both a little in shape and a little overweight. A lot of people don’t realize that one can be muscular, strong, fit, energetic and flexible, yet still have more fat than they should have.

There was a survey that came in today in which the first 3000 people to complete it were to receive a buck, but I was too late. See, I can’t even make a lousy buck it’s so not meant to be! As Tom pointed out, though, don’t expect much to happen on a weekend. Being the pessimist I am, I’m not going to hope for much during the week either. I just don’t want to get my hopes up for something that, like most things I dabble in throughout life, could very well turn out to be nothing. However, I think I can eventually gain enough points for store and restaurant certificates from Memolink, though. It may take forever, but that’s actually possible. Very possible. I have a chance to get 5 points a day as it is if I answer their daily trivia question correctly, and then they have a daily lotto, too.

Later…

Earlier Tom and I changed my office around. After nearly 4 years, it was time for a change. I moved the desk to the opposite wall, but it’s turned in a slightly different position. The desk is V-shaped. Before, the bottom part of the V was flush against the wall. This time, though, the right side of the V is flush against the wall where the closet door is. The entry door used to be on my left side, but now it’s directly behind me. I should have a much nicer view till we get shade trees that actually make it. It’ll also be hard for anyone to walk by without noticing them.

Another reason I wanted to move to where I did was so that I could be closer to the floor vent. This room gets miserably hot. Especially in the mornings and early afternoons. During November through February, I’ll enjoy putting my feet by the vent as it blows warm air.

The only negative is that the wires are more visible and I have to step over them in a couple of areas and lift the vacuum over them when I vacuum. I have so many damn wires because I have the two printers, the scanner and the amplifier. That’s not counting the computer, monitor, keyboard and mouse.

I haven’t finished decorating because tomorrow I should definitely have my 9 Barbies from CT. I set some of the porcelain dolls up but decided to wait till tomorrow on the vinyls. I also rearranged the walls a little.

Not surprisingly, we didn’t end up having sex this weekend, but I was hoping we wouldn’t as I just don’t have the desire to do so with this man. I’ve simply known him for too long.

Monday, September 8, 2003

I assume that because I didn’t get a text message from Tom this means my dolls have arrived. I sure hope so! If not I’ll contact the seller and find out how she shipped them. If she shipped them by parcel post, then they could be a few weeks away. Either way, 5:30 can’t come fast enough!

I still may get one of the standard self-sealing priority-mail boxes they commonly use and send Paula the lotions I don’t like, plus a few other odds and ends I never use. I figure the stuff’s already been paid for, so why not send it to someone who can use it?

I hope there’ll be some jobs waiting for me when Tom gets in. I gave the survey people his email address, so I won’t know till he gets in. It’s nice to finally be able to know what time he’ll get in too, even if he’s making shitty money.

As usual, the water pills only dropped me to 125, then ceased to help anymore. After just two days of eating 1600-2000 calories, I’ve already crept back up to 128. I tell you, I can’t keep on with this struggle! I’m so, so close to letting go and having 2000 calories a day no matter how much I gain. I know my body wouldn’t be crying out for more calories and weight if it didn’t need it and that I’m being mean to it by depriving it the way I have been.

Later…

Well, my dolls didn’t come, but there is good news! Not only does Tom think I’m going to be making more than him, like $300-$400 a week, but they’re making plans to build a community just 5 miles from here! Boy, is that going to up the value of this place! That will easily make this place worth half a million. Tom, who’s always been great with money, says that if we hold out long enough, this place will certainly be worth a million eventually, probably in a decade. Just 4 years ago we paid $1,500 for 10 acres. Nowadays, the average 2-acre parcel is going for $60,000!

Well, I do have good money vibes and see us as pretty well off eventually, able to buy most of what we want and definitely what we need, but I don’t want to get my hopes up too high.

As for me making money - Tom says it’ll be a couple of weeks before we get a good idea of what I might make. Right now I’m still in their screening phase to see how serious I am which means that today I only got one survey to do for a chance to win something and not for a guaranteed amount of money. Most surveys will probably be $5 - $100, so I’ll want to do as many as possible. I have plenty of time, after all. How wonderful it’d be if I could make $500 a week because then Tom wouldn’t have to work! I sure as hell can’t imagine that, but I’m going to try my best to make what I can.

I’m up to 316 points now on Memolink.

I asked him if he planned on telling his family if the survey thing works out so I know what to say and what not to. You know, to keep our stories straight. Of course not, he said. Then I asked him what he’d tell his family if I ever really did make enough for him to quit working and he said that that would be a problem he wouldn’t mind having. I was laughing my ass off and making jokes like how he could tell them he just got sick of working or something like that.

The survey topics, so far, have consisted of a wide variety of things from judging material things and music, to opinions on gay marriage and terrorism. I’m definitely all for us finding a way to make our own fuel and not have to depend on those fucking Arabs and “continue to fund their anti-American sentiments,” as was one of the choices. I was surprised to see that 45% supported gay marriages, 42% were opposed, and the rest weren’t sure.

It’s nice, in a sense, to be able to express myself and have a say in things when most of my life was spent being either forced to be quiet or to go along with others.

Tuesday, September 9, 2003

Again no dolls. I hope it was sent by parcel post cuz if it wasn’t that means the seller either wrote our address wrong or some illiterate shit at the PO screwed up. I’m going to take Tom’s advice about giving it a week before I contact the seller. If it was sent by parcel post, I should have it by Saturday.

I can tell we’re getting close to the end of the really hot days, but where is everybody? I stood outside on the steps for a few minutes and saw not one prairie dog or rabbit.

Later…

So far I’ve earned $3.90 and once I get up to $20, they’ll send me a check. It may cost me a few bucks out of that $20, though, in the end in order to get the $20 check. They pay you for signing up for the offers they have available. Some cost a lot and some are just a few bucks. Tom’s going to go through and pick out the best ones this weekend.

I really do hope I make more and more money the more I get established with these companies because when I think of all the people I’ve either made or saved money for, quite against my will, of course, I see a very scary pattern there! Yes, I make money for others really well. Just look at what a financial asset I was to the Arizona Republic alone without even trying. Then I go and do the idiot thing of sending Paula over $400 worth of dolls and I can’t even get her to send me the damn form and money towards things she herself said she was interested in so I can get that $30 certificate. I can’t get shit in return. It’s not that I always expect to receive upon giving, but still, keeping true to her word was the least she could’ve done.

I’m so pissed I sent her those dolls and didn’t sell them! I may sell Samantha and Amelia, though, since they’re really not all that great. Especially with the wire skeleton versus a loc-tite armature. I may also sell the Alex and Eve fashion dolls. If I do, I’ll sell those nude, but the porcelain dolls will be dressed. Tom may sell old computer and TV equipment, too.

I know it’s a complete waste of time to dwell on the past which can’t be changed, but I just can’t seem to help myself. I realize that if I’m still pissed off at the way I let the black bitch run off at the mouth at our door, for example, then the thought of it is likely to always enrage me. As funny as this may sound, I almost wish someone would come to my door and to my face and threaten me just so I could “do it right” this time. Then, after I beat them beyond recognition, I could never look back on it and feel like a coward who didn’t fight back. Someday, though, someday. People don’t just like to use me, they like to threaten me too, so I know it’s only a matter of time. Hey, at my size, why not? No one believes someone smaller than them can hurt them, but I’ll be much obliged to show them otherwise just as soon as the next dumb and sorry person makes the next threat. It may land me in jail for years, but I don’t care. It’s about time I put my damn foot down, fought back, and stopped turning the other cheek and sending the wrong message. I learned the hard way a long time ago that if you either forgive or cower from someone who’s screwed you over or who’s threatened you, you will be taken advantage of.

So dare to threaten me, whoever you are, and I shall gladly take my next perp down a peg or two. Normally, I’m not one who feels she needs to prove herself, but if need be I wouldn’t mind teaching someone that smaller doesn’t always mean weaker. The way I’m now looking at it is this: God can protect my next perp from the law, but he can’t protect them from me. It helps to keep telling myself that. I mean, that’s my “positive” thinking, my inspiration, so to speak because he will protect them. Well, telling myself he can’t protect them from me makes it easier to deal with. I don’t know why he’d ever want to see me hurt or threatened by so many people, but to hell with destiny, fate, patterns – I’m fighting back. I owe it to myself.

Anyway, I ordered a few magazines from Memolink to earn extra points. All I have to do is cancel the subscription once I get the first free trial issue.

Also, a Lonnie P is going to get me 7 hardback books from the Doubleday Book Club. Yes, I got a little magazine with books to buy, and it couldn’t have been any more perfect because the card attached had that name on it.

Wednesday, September 10, 2003

I’m so bored right now that I wish those damn surveys would hurry up and come in if they’re really going to! Most say it could take up to a month. Meanwhile, the TV’s alive with the usual topics – sex, drugs, murder, childbirth and racial issues. There’s nothing on at the moment that I care to see, so I guess I’ll go work on my story that will contain some of these popular subjects.

Thursday, September 11, 2003

I’m trying not to get my hopes up, but I think I may’ve found Rosa! It finally, after all this time, hit me to try Mexican phone records so I checked online. The sites were in Spanish, so knowing the Spanish I know helped a great deal. Swearing she told me she lived in Guerreros, I put in a search for her husband’s name, assuming she’s still married. Amazingly, one of the results which displayed a phone number and an address had both their names! How I hope it’s her! If it isn’t, I don’t have a clue as to what I should try next. All I know is that I’m tired of wondering where she is and what her life is like. Is she happily married? Unhappily married? Divorced? I picture the poor girl living in a cheap, dumpy, roach-infested apartment with tons of people and noise. By now she must have a few kids as Mexicans breed like rabbits. I don’t know how they do it; perhaps the females ovulate more or the males have more sperm or more potent sperm, but where there’s 1 there are usually 50 more. I don’t know why they’d have such large families with so little money, but despite my lack of fondness for them in general, Rosa’s an exception. I don’t care what her lifestyle is because I love and miss her all the same.

Rosa was about 21 in 2000 and not very bright, but most people that age aren’t. I highly doubt she has a computer or could afford to call the States much. International calls are super expensive, so as Tom and I agreed would be best, I typed a letter in Spanish to her. If it is her, we may be able to get a phone contract deal at some point, but I don’t know about visiting. My Spanish isn’t good enough to give good enough directions for them to come to me (unless Rosa’s forbidden to enter the US) and I don’t know that they’d be smart enough to follow a map. It’s also very far away so we may not even be able to go to them. Guerreros is way down there by Acapulco.

If it’s her, I hope there’s a chair or a couch nearby when she reads my letter because she’ll faint with shock for sure. I assume, and I certainly hope, that she’ll be delighted to hear from me. Here’s a copy of my letter to her which basically says that I knew Rosa in Estrella jail in December of 2000, we were good friends, like sisters, and I miss her very much. I said I didn’t want to say much in the letter till I knew whether or not it was her, but that I hoped so! Then I explained that I found her number through a Mexican online directory, that Tom and I were well and I hoped she was, too. I said we lived in a rural town an hour south of Phoenix and that I’d love to hear from her. I enclosed 3 ways to contact me – email, the PO box, and my cell phone, though I think she’ll choose to write if it’s her.

Later…

Tom set my word processor up so I could set it to Mexican Spanish. That way I can have its spell checker insert the proper punctuation. I even wrote Mom a letter in Spanish using it.

I didn’t realize just how big Mexico was. I thought Rosa was a matter of hours away, not days! Yet she’s about as far away as Massachusetts is to me. Mexico’s huge. No wonder there are so many damn Mexicans!

Tomorrow my letter will go out to Rosa. I hope it won’t cost much to mail. I doubt it will. Not compared to a phone call anyway. I wonder how long it’ll take to reach her. I just hope it really is her! I’d love to hear from her and be pen pals with her. I just hope she doesn’t turn out to be one of those who can’t write without asking for something if it is her.

Saturday, September 13, 2003

The 9 Barbies arrived yesterday and I decided to keep 6 of them – 4 blondes, 1 black, 1 Asian. At least I think the Kira doll is Asian. Anyway, there are 2 brunettes and a blond I don’t want. They weren’t in as good condition as I was told they’d be in, but they were good enough for used dolls. I brushed out their hair and scrubbed off some spots that were on one of them. One doll was in a silver ball gown that was torn in a couple of places. It was in such shabby condition and I didn’t like the dress anyway that I ditched it. Barbie dressed as the lead from Gone with the Wind was boring, plus a yellow gown that one came in, along with a green gown. I don’t really care for yellow and dark green, so when we sell stuff I’ll sell the 3 Barbies in those outfits.

I’m also going to sell the Alex and Eve fashion dolls and two porcelain dolls – Samantha and Amelia.

Today I ordered a dozen rainbow Barbie stands for $20. The colors are 3 pink, 3 lavender, 3 sky blue, and 3 mint green.

Also, for just a little over a buck, I sent for a trial diet thing. It’s these pills that are supposed to help block fat absorption. It mentions that green tea that was in those vitamins, so hopefully I won’t end up puking or getting too jittery. I guess it’s similar. Anyway, for a lousy buck-something, plus extra points on Netflip, I figured why not? I believe I’ll always be heavy, though, and will probably get heavier and heavier with age, but oh well. There’s more to life than being skinny.

My letter is on its way to Rosa. It cost 60¢ to mail.

Sunday, September 14, 2003

I went to Trimlife’s site, the people I’m getting the diet pill sample from. They sell a lot of things - diet pills for kids, multivitamins, protein-packed foods, sex aids, hormone balancers and more. It looks like a 1-mos. supply will be $75, but if this stuff works in any way, it might be worth it. I’m all for using tools to help us help ourselves so long as they’re not destructive ones, like how I used the Nicorette gum to quit smoking.

Being the pessimist I am, though, I’d have to agree with Tom and say they don’t work or else there’d be no fat people in the world. I know they can’t make me skinny like the Nicorette gum didn’t make me quit smoking, but perhaps it can help me slim down like the gum helped me quit smoking.

I told Tom I wanted to skip today’s screwing session because I was ragging pretty hard. Besides, I wasn’t in the mood. Being the not-so-typical male that he is (though it’s much to my delight) he declined my offer to take care of him in other ways. I wasn’t kidding when I said we both have no appetite! He mentioned us getting it on during the week, but I don’t think we will, and also, I think he’ll avoid me at mid-cycle like he mostly used to. Although we’d be 100% safe even with him cumming, it’s okay for him to do what makes him more comfortable. In other words, if he feels, be it subconsciously or not, more comfortable not screwing at those times, fine.

He still thinks I’ll eventually make money from home, although I doubt it. Like I said, if that were in my cards, how come I haven’t made anything from home yet? Still, I’m giving it a chance like I said I would. If by some miracle he’s right, I’ll wait till there’s more money coming in before I get the more expensive dolls so they won’t take me forever to save up for them. I don’t know, though. I still think he’s going to have to end up getting a better-paying job which will probably mean traveling further and working longer.

I’m racking up the points on Memolink and am now at 404 and should be receiving a few hundred more soon. That’s because I signed up for free things that give you points just for doing so and because I “referred” Tom, I get a percentage of any points he earns. If God really does help those who help themselves, then he’ll allow me to earn a little something after the hours and hours of work I’ve spent trying to make something of this! Then again, somehow I doubt he cares if Jodi S makes enough money to supplement her husband’s income. Oh well, what’s in our cards is in our cards and what’s not is not, but it’s still too early to really make a judgment. If in a month I’m still being asked to take surveys for a chance to win this or that and not given surveys for set dollar amounts or points, then I’ll know it was just another bust.

I’ve been slaving away on my story.

In my next story, I thought I’d have a straight girl get in trouble for some petty bullshit, but not go to jail. Instead, she gets a few months of probation and ends up with a gay PO who becomes obsessed with her. So much so that she frames her for murder, then kidnaps her and blackmails her by threatening to turn her in if she leaves her.

The story after that will be way off the wall. Tom once suggested I use some real-life event(s) and then sensationalize it from there. In real life, when I was 10, I collected pictures of Kate. Just like a child would talk to their stuffed animals or dolls, I would sometimes talk to her pictures when the abuse and stress got too much for me to deal with. It was like a coping mechanism, as strange as it may sound. In the story, I’ll have one of these pictures “come to life,” so to speak, years later when I’m an adult and we’ll fall for each other.

Monday, September 15, 2003

I didn’t fall asleep till 11:30 this morning and was sooo pissed when a bird pecking on the outside of the bedroom wall woke me up 4 hours later. What is it with the fourth hour of my sleep being so cursed? Most of the times I’ve been woken up it’s been during the fourth hour. And more so, what is it with my being woken up more often in a house in a rural town versus a house in the heart of a giant city??

Anyway, when I first woke up I said to myself, “Please just be a dream.” I got up and looked out front, but no one was there. Then I remembered Tom telling me that some of the door-knocking dreams we’ve had are actually real and how he caught a bird pecking on the house one time which sounded exactly like someone knocking, and it does, though once I heard it a second time I could tell it was a bird. I had just been drifting back off to sleep when it made its second round on the bedroom wall. I scared it away when I rustled the blinds on one of the windows. Again I was about to nod off when it made its third knock. I slammed the wall by my head real hard and it was gone for good, but I worry that this is going to be a regular problem which is ridiculous. Utterly ridiculous! Why must I be woken up by shit like this? How I wish I could stay on days!!

Got mail from both Bob and Mary. Mary just sent drafts. She doesn’t say much these days, but then again, when you’re in jail, how much can you possibly have to say anyway? I guess she’s just been taking classes and writing.

Bob hasn’t heard from Kim, but as I told him, thanks but no thanks. I really don’t want to bother with her. In fact, I don’t know why I even bothered sending her the letter. I’ll either make money from home or I won’t make any at all.

He also says it’s already gotten cold there at night, then he shocked me by saying he has to walk half a mile to meals rain or shine. I wonder why so far?

Wednesday, September 17, 2003

Another Maricopa report day, but not for me!

I managed to sleep just fine and got up in the early evening. That’s when I packed Paula’s package. These priority mailers are cool in the way they’re so easy to use. They’re also free, too. I know she doesn’t deserve this, in a sense, and that I’m being too giving, but it’s only shit that can’t be sold and that will just sit around here taking up space anyway, even if we have enough of it. I can’t get my money back on the things either. Also, it won’t cost nearly the $30 it took to ship the dolls I never should’ve sent. Anyway, I’m sending the lilac, lily, orange and strawberry lotions I don’t like, along with some old jewelry I never wear, like the boring watch Yves sent with my first order. It’s too big on me anyway and it isn’t adjustable. It should fit Paula just fine, though. Lastly, I sent her the 3 Barbies I didn’t like in gowns with colors she’ll like more than I do, plus a few extra outfits I don’t want. I don’t care for white, yellow and dark green, but she told me her favorite colors were white, green, red and purple. She hates black and orange, she told me. I hate gray, olive, navy, maroon, brown and dark shades of yellow, green and orange. Pinks, purples, neons and pastels are definitely the best where my tastes are concerned. Anyway, she’ll get the Barbie done up as Gone with the Wind, then the one done up as Beauty and the Beast. Or was it Anastasia? Whatever. She’ll get a handmade gown, too. Whoever did it can sew really well. I even kept a couple of the handmade outfits. So in the end these 3 Barbies will go back almost to where they came from just 20 minutes away.

We have a ton of our own stuff coming in the mail as well. Barbie stands, books, diet pills, and many free samples.

Memolink also has a lot of dollar offers that give you points, plus $25 certificates for various stores. For just $4 we can get $25 certificates for Walmart, K-Mart, Toys R Us, and Home Depot. That’s $100 for just $4. Totally worth it. Then all we have to do is cancel the membership attached to it within 30 days.

Two days ago they appeared to be putting the pump down into the well in front and yesterday they seemed to be running pipes to the house, though I don’t know why they’d do that before the thing was set up. Tom said there’s a for sale sign still up over there, so not only does it seem that yes, the property was split, but it might not all be owned by the same person. I still think more houses will be hauled in, but we’ll see.

Thursday, September 18, 2003

Paula’s package will have to wait another day since Tom was unable to get to the PO when it was open. His lunch, which usually varies, was at the same time the PO workers had theirs. I’ll never send the lying, ungrateful nut another package again after this anyway! I never expected to get every time I gave, but when someone says they’re going to do a little thing that means a lot to me that they never end up doing, it really bothers me. I’m sick of it. I give and I give and I give and I never get shit in return. Not even the simplest little things.

I still hope to make it back to eBay for one of the Barbies I still want by the end of the month, but I don’t know. It’ll depend on how much we save on groceries.

When I rearranged my office, I didn’t think about being right where the sun streams through the sides of the blinds, so I had to tape pieces of paper in the top right half of the window to keep the glare out of my eyes.

They worked again in front yesterday, but Tom didn’t see any water tanks to get an idea of what’s going on over there.

It’s a good thing I didn’t fall asleep an hour sooner than I did or else I’d have been woken up for damn sure. Something hit the side of the house, or at least that’s what it sounded like anyway. It was too loud to be an animal of any kind. When I went out and checked I didn’t see anything suspicious. After I came inside the house and was too tired to go back out and check again, I realized it could’ve been the mini flag holder. Its arm was sticking straight up and if the screws holding it let go, then the arm would’ve swung down and smacked the house.

I decided it was time to send my old dentist an e-card letting her know that Tom recently changed jobs and because she’s not on the plan they have, I may not be able to come back, but we’ll see because he’s not happy at this place anyway and may be looking for a new job. I told her I thought about just paying for yearly cleanings, but the X-ray costs are a killer! Meanwhile, she can still email me with any computer questions and check my photo albums whenever she wants to. I gave her my Webshots username.

Saturday, September 20, 2003

The Barbie stands came today. Now I’m just waiting on the diet pills and books as well as the various samples I’m expecting. The stands are cute and they’ll make displaying the Barbies a lot easier than before when I had to lean them up against things.

The day after I heard that loud bang I went out and checked and found that the arm of the mini flag was still sticking straight up, so as Tom said, it was probably a dust devil I heard.

Signing up for all these online things is also asking to be harassed! Every day now we’re back to the sales calls and spam. I have to start giving the ones that require phone numbers a bogus number.

I talked to Paula whose latest story is that she was broke and still intends to send the money and form on the first when she gets her check. Other than that, Miguel’s at her place, even though he’s not supposed to be. Both of them would be in trouble if their POs found out. She’s been beating on him, she tells me, and is taking domestic violence classes, anger management classes, and who knows what else. I know she sees a therapist. One who chides her for not having a job and collecting off the state.

I always believed Paula could work. If she can keep a schedule and do all the community service she’s done, then she should be able to hold a job, but like me, she needs to work independently because of her temper. She doesn’t get along with people any better than I do. Perhaps she’s even worse at that.

I knew her mother was a wacko, but even so, I was surprised to learn she never had any dolls of any kind as a child. So, at 36 years of age, she shall get her first Barbie. Three of them.

We discussed a whole new fencing idea that I like way better. Instead of doing a wire fence on the property’s perimeter, we decided we want to do a block wall around the house. We won’t get too close to the house, though, so we don’t cause that same echo effect that will enhance sounds like in Phoenix. Because blocks aren’t too cheap, we’ll probably mix things in with it like maybe wood or iron rails. For practice, Tom’s going to replace the plastic skirting with blocks. Another reason we want to do this is to keep snakes away from the house and cars. It’s just too easy to end up getting struck before we have a chance to even realize the snake is there. The block wall has to extend down into the ground a foot or so, so rodents and rabbits won’t be digging holes under it for snakes to go through. I just hope this is something we can actually do sooner or later and not always something we just talk about.

Since Monday seems to be the day I get mail from Mary, I’m going to make Tuesdays my mailing day.

Sunday, September 21, 2003

As I figured would be the case, we never got it on during the week, though there’s certainly no one to blame for that one but myself since my schedule was what it was. I don’t know if I’ll be up late enough to do anything today at the time he prefers which would be an hour or two before he goes to bed. I guess, like I’ve said before, neither of us must want it that bad since we don’t seem to make the time for it.

We had a lot of fun yesterday checking out their offers through Netflip. My first check should be arriving soon enough. It’ll be around $25. I think I’ll use that, plus the Walmart certificate we’re getting through one of the offers we signed up for, for that split-end trimmer that costs $60 and that trims the last eighth off each strand of hair. It’s so cool. You comb it through your hair and once it gets to the end of each strand, the hair flips up and into the cutter.

We have tons of fun things coming. While Tom is my love, shopping is definitely my hobby! For $135, we may subscribe to a club that gives you discounts at all kinds of stores, but we haven’t decided for sure on that one yet. Meanwhile, I’ve got gourmet coffee samples coming with a coffee grinder that I’ll keep as a backup and a digital camera (the camera will probably be shitty). This intro offer was $20. I have 30 days to cancel it, which I will.

We’d love to be able to join online casinos where you play against others for real money, but like most things in Arizona, it’s illegal. It’s totally fucked up, too. You can walk into a casino and gamble in this state, but you can’t do it online. To say that Arizona has the most fucked up, twisted, ridiculous and unfair laws, along with Texas, is a complete understatement!

After my $9 debt was paid off, I still had $7 in my allowance and that’s exactly what it cost to get this particular 8x10 glossy photo of Kate I like, so I ordered that too, through Memolink and got about 100 points.

I hope to turn Samantha and Amelia into Haiku soon enough. Tom’s going to set up a PayPal payment plan on eBay real soon so that payments made for anything we sell can go directly into our account.

Come New Year’s when I get my Christmas and birthday money, I think I may use it towards one of the more expensive dolls I like in order to give me a huge jump-start on the savings. That will probably be Alexa. I think I’ll want to get her dressed because I like the dress she comes in.

I decided not to get the $50 fake palm tree. Having 3 live plants and one fake one that’s really big is enough.

Tom decided to fix and sell cars on the side and that starting with our own car would be a great way to start. He checked into it and found that it wouldn’t cost as much as he thought it would. We’d like to keep this car as a backup. It’s always good to have more than one vehicle. Especially when you live where there’s no such thing as buses and taxis for miles and miles.

Speaking of cars, I had a bad vibe pertaining to the car and told Tom about it. He checked everything really well, but nothing appeared to be wrong. Then sure enough, about a week later, the battery died completely. It was corroded, I guess.

Tom had to work overtime last Friday, but unlike at the bank, he got paid for it.

He received an email about a computer-related job he had applied for before getting hired at the place he’s at now, and they had told him that while he did meet their qualifications, there wasn’t a position available. I guess they have something available now, so he let them know he’s interested. It’s in Phoenix, but it’s for so much money that he’s willing to cut out of work to go for an interview if he gets called for one. Let’s just say that with this job, I could get an expensive doll every month if I wanted to. Unfortunately, though, I don’t sense him getting this job. They probably emailed the message about the opening to a bunch of people and someone else will probably get it first. I don’t think we’ll come into a lot of money till we sell this place, although I have been having money vibes lately. I feel like we’re on the verge of something, though I don’t trust my vibes because I’m not one of those good-fortune psychics. I’m a doom psychic, so I don’t want to get my hopes up.

Monday, September 22, 2003

If I don’t get my diet pills today, then I’m going to really believe, beyond a doubt, that something doesn’t want me to lose weight, though I still say you can’t lose weight on no pills anyway. I also think the testimonials were made up, judging by how well-written they are. Most people aren’t that literate and just the way they’re written and all that makes me think the same person wrote them all, making up names along the way and picking random towns and cities that these people are supposedly from. Nonetheless, I still would like to get the pills, so hopefully they’ll be there today, along with mail from Mary.

I wonder if Rosa got my letter and if that was the correct address. Of course, there’s always the chance that it was the correct address and she moved before the site could be updated.

I bid on a set of 3 dolls yesterday but didn’t meet the reserve. That’s okay, though. I don’t want to go back into debt by as much as I would have if I’d won.

There are a couple of dolls with a starting bid of $5, no reserve, just $5 shipping, and it ends in two days. I’ll keep a watch on that one.

I’m wondering once again about us getting it on. See, when I was thinking about how I fell asleep too early for sex, it hit me that if either of us had had the desire that much, we’d have found the time earlier. So, in light of my schedule and us not seeming to put much effort into making the time even if it means getting it on earlier than he’d like, makes me question the whole thing again. I think we should go back to being the friends we have been for the last few years. I know he loves me and I know he knows I love him, but do we really want to get it on with each other all that bad? Obviously not.

Although I don’t feel unhappy or incomplete, I sometimes find a longing stirring within me. It’s like I wish I could experience love and lust with a woman I’m attracted to as I am with Kate, yet I don’t want to give up Tom and the life I have now. Not only is my current life wonderful compared to my past one, but it’s wonderful compared to the average life out there. Anyway, maybe that’s why I write my stories; as a way of living my fantasies without having to change or give up what’s reality.

I had another story idea. Maybe a young woman can be living at an apartment complex much like the Vista Ventana and fall for the complex’s security guard.

For the last week, it had been like June – hot and cloudless. Today, while it’s still pretty warm, it’s also cloudy. It’s just a thin white haze that I doubt will produce any rain, but maybe it will later on.

Tuesday, September 23, 2003

Boy, did I get a shocker in the mail yesterday. I got a signed 5x7 photo of Kate! Both of us were really surprised. We never expected I’d get anything. You usually don’t from the bigger stars. I never heard from her when I wrote her when I was 10, but maybe it’s because she’s older now. I still don’t think she read the letter herself, though. I picture her getting more than she could possibly even have the time to read. I don’t think they hear about any of their fan mail unless it’s something that’s either way off the wall or threatening. Anyway, although I don’t really like this picture because it’s black and white and she was between 45-50 when it was taken, it was still really cool to get something. It could be a printout, but it looks like she actually signed the photo herself with a marker. What sloppy handwriting the woman has, too! If I didn’t know better, I wouldn’t be able to read the name. Anyway, it was nice. Not as nice as it would’ve been had she sent a letter saying she regressed back in time and looks just like she did 27 years ago and would love to get together with me just as soon as Tom leaves for work, but it was still nice, even so. The other Kate picture that I ordered won’t be shipped till around October 9th, I was told, though it could ship a little earlier or later. Meanwhile, I hope Rosa’s now as shocked to have gotten my letter as I was to have gotten Kate’s signed photo. I also hope she writes back!

I didn’t get mail from Mary yesterday like I expected to, but I got my Trimlife samples. One’s a multivitamin I’m supposed to take twice a day, and the other one’s for the weight loss I still can’t believe I’ll achieve. It’s all natural, but even natural things can cause problems so we’ll see. I’m going to take it real soon. That too, is to be taken twice a day. It’s got 5 different things in it that are supposed to suppress your appetite, boost your metabolism and give you energy. They say you can lose anywhere from 1-10 pounds during the first week and whatever you do end up losing will determine which group you’re best off in if you buy a full supply of the stuff. I decided not to get any more if I don’t lose at least 4-5 pounds.

Later…

The good news is that the pills didn’t make me nauseous and the bad is that the scammers won’t stop calling! Now I’ve got the same problem I had in Phoenix with the constant sales calls! The ones that mention money up front are the obvious scammers, as Tom pointed out, trying to see what they can take you for. However, I got a rather odd call in the midst of it all. In this case, the guy gave me his name and number and told me to call him if he doesn’t get a hold of me tonight at 8:00 my time to discuss a home-based job. Why didn’t he just discuss it with me last night when he had me on the phone? Well, we’ll find out tonight what the story is with this one, though I won’t hold my breath. I still don’t think I’m meant to make money anymore than I think I’m meant to lose weight, but it is all up to fate. Whatever will be will be and whatever won’t be won’t be.

The mesquite tree’s flourishing beautifully. We definitely want to transplant more of these, but we’ll have to find smaller ones so we don’t have to damage their roots. Even the two full-grown mesquite trees that are 25-30 feet away are fuller as the water eventually seeps down and over to them.

The remaining palm still looks the same exact size as it was when we first got it and it still looks on the verge of death, too.

There are two Barbies up for auction at a starting bid of $5 with no reserve price set and just $5 shipping, so I put a bid on them. I’ll find out tomorrow morning at about 6:30 if I won them. They’re in L.A.

It’s been cloudy since I got up, but it doesn’t look like we’re going to get the rain they predicted for today. The clouds are too thin.

I think the horse may be gone in back which is a good thing. Not that I have a damn thing against horses, but the horse was one more reason to draw them outside and they’re outdoorsy enough as it is. I swear there’s a new vehicle over there every few months too, if even that. I’d say someone over there fixes cars for sure. Most of them sit there with their hoods open. Since they’ve been around more often and gotten rid of the horse, they’ve been much neater. I mean, the place is still an eyesore, but they’re not dumping their trash to get blown onto our land anymore, so that’s good.

Later…

Wow, it’s just after 3:00 and it’s only 84°. The wind’s picked up, the clouds have thickened, and we’ve now got a bit of a drizzle going, even though it’s pretty half-assed. We should be right on the verge of the end of the super hot days, but not too close to needing heat.

I’m working on my story now which I think I’ll be able to finish before the year’s out.

Although one day is too soon to really make an accurate judgment, I do seem to have a bit more energy and the pills do seem to help curb my appetite, though I’m still a little hungry. I guess nothing can be perfect, though. If this continues to work the way it has today, maybe I can lose a little weight. I don’t think I’ll ever be between 100-110 pounds like I’d like to be, but maybe I can get to the 115-120 range. I won’t count on it, but we’ll see when the week’s trial period is up. They recommend those under 150 pounds begin with just one pill twice a day, but maybe it’d be better if I upped it to two pills twice daily.

I’m still winning the dolls, but there are still 15 hours to go where I could get outbid.

Wednesday, September 24, 2003

Today’s the day we’ve been waiting for when it drizzles all day, signaling the end of the hot days. We hardly need the AC at night. It’s the middle of the afternoon yet right now it’s just 72°.

Amazingly, the diet pills are making a difference. At least so far they are. They do help to suppress my appetite. In fact, I couldn’t even finish my Ramen noodles today. In yesterday’s email from Trimlife, they said not to weigh myself till they said to. That will probably be at the end of the week, but I think I already lost a pound or two. I know I’m still over 125, though, because I have slight little side rolls. I have to get under 125 before my waist doesn’t have rolls. At 120 I’m able to bend all the way to the side and not roll at all. I still don’t know if I’ll lose a significant amount of weight, though. Time will tell.

Today they said to up it to two pills twice daily which I was going to do anyway. They do give me a bit more energy, too. So much so that I was up for 19 hours yesterday! I guess that’s due to all the caffeine that’s in them.

Tom said he almost quit his job yesterday because he knows they’re never going to pay him shit for it which is what I told him. I urged him not to quit till he gets a new job or else we can’t get unemployment. I urged him even more so to start aggressively hunting for a new job since we’re obviously never going to be able to count on me to make money. All I get are bullshit job offers that demand money. A real job shouldn’t cost money, it should pay money! It’s just so not meant to be. I wish I knew why, although knowing why wouldn’t necessarily change anything.

When I do get legit calls about jobs, there’s always a problem with it. In other words, Herbal Life called, which is a legit company, but I’d have to pay a registration fee of $179 and know people to sell their products to in order to make money. If I can’t get anyone interested in Yves, how could I get them interested in Herbal Life? You really have to know tons of people to succeed with such a thing. It’s a lot like Avon. If you don’t have people to sell the products to, you can’t make money.

How I wish I could have a simple, clean-cut job like stuffing envelopes! Something that’s straightforward and doesn’t require me to know anyone, spend any money or do any traveling.

I still worry we’re on the path towards financial doom and I feel like not only does something not want us here, but it wants to drive us out of here before we can get rich off this place which is a done deal if we can hold out long enough. In about 5 years this place should be worth half a million and worth a million in a decade. It’s inevitable, totally guaranteed if we can just stay put for a while. But if we go broke and his selfish mother doesn’t help us, or the freeloaders pop back into our lives to try and victimize us again through the law, then we’ll have no choice but to get out.

I’ve been a free soul for 5 months now and I never take a day of it for granted. It still amazes and thrills me that finally, after 7 years of victimization, nothing we do, nothing we spend money on, and no place we go has a damn thing to do with them!

There is a little bit of good news despite my not being allowed a job and Tom making shitty money, and that’s that I won us a 3-day trip to our choice of either San Diego or Las Vegas! The airfare and hotel will be all paid for. All we’ll need to pay is $55 or less in taxes and have the money for food and gambling since we both agree that if we take this trip, it’ll be to Vegas. The only catch is that we have to sit through a presentation when we go to pick up our tickets. We have a year to take the trip and we don’t know for sure if we will. It’ll depend on what’s going on in our lives.

I got outbid on those two dolls.

I discovered that my desktop calendar goes way, way back in time, so I clicked back through the months and years and charted down all the major events I could remember like when I got braces, when Tom’s father died, when I moved to different places, etc.

Later…

Here comes all the sales calls. I totally regret giving my number out. Once they start they never give up, and of course they run and give the number to everyone else they know, too.

I’m beginning to wonder if perhaps I said something that either scared or made my old dentist uncomfortable, though I’m not sure what that could be. Not only have I not gotten a response to the regular email I sent, but the postcard was never retrieved either. Oh well. I doubt I’ll ever see her again anyway.

Thursday, September 25, 2003

I got mail from Mary yesterday. I just can’t seem to get her to stop sending me back drafts to shuffle around. I can’t make her understand that I just don’t always get what she wants me to do and how much it confuses and frustrates me. She said she wouldn’t have me make any more changes, yet I get drafts back.

The good news of it is that she not only got her GED, but she sent 4 books of stamps. I was like – wow! How generous! So I’m sending her a copy with larger print that I hope to hell she’ll hang onto till she can make her own changes, though I know better. Those pages will find their way back to me with requests for changes that I won’t even begin to be able to figure out. I don’t know why she won’t listen to me. She says she wants it to be perfect for her lawyer, Scot. Supposedly he said he’d help her find a publisher, but I don’t know. People always say they’re going to do things they never do. She wanted me to email him a copy with one t in his first name, but it wouldn’t go through. Neither would it when I tried two t’s, so I’ll see if she can let him borrow her copy or have him email me so I can just hit the ‘reply’ button and send him the book that way. With my shit luck, though, she’ll have me mail him a copy via regular mail. It’s a pain in the ass that takes up paper and toner, but at least I’ll have the stamps. She even enclosed a manila envelope.

She said she cut her hair to the middle of her back.

Anyway, speaking of my own book. I’m going to rearrange the plot a bit more. Instead of having Misha get raped and pregnant while she’s passed out from her fall, I think I’ll just have her fall and lose her mind for a while. I know pregnancy and childbirth are very popular subjects, but as I have been for quite a while now, I’m sick of them. Totally sick of hearing about them. All it does is remind me of the misery I went through as I did for years.

I thought about it and oh, how I’d love to email the Arizona Republic a piece of my mind to their “corrections” department. Not because I feel the need for the general public to hear my side of the story, the true side, but because I’d love, love, love more than anything to either ruin or mar the pig, the public defender, and judge’s careers, but I know that’d be merely a dream. Whoever read about their hatred towards Jews, the way the pig helped the “victim,” his personal friend, in order to spite me for the city complaint, and how the K tricked me into pleading guilty for something I wasn’t even charged with, on top of the monstrous judge who gave me a sentence that would never have fit the so-called crime even if I had been guilty, would only laugh it off. Either that, or I’d get in trouble for damn sure, but you know what? I’m not going back to jail for these sick twists or anyone else for that matter. So I sit in silence just like I’ve always been forced to do when it comes to these subhuman pieces of shit. Who’d believe me or give a damn anyway? Besides, I don’t have anyone up there looking out for me and protecting me the way they do which means I must protect my own self and hope they never again try to pull anything else on me.

Although it’s only the third day, I already know the pills aren’t going to make a significant difference, but I figured as much anyway. I couldn’t have lost more than a pound for I’d not only notice if I lost more than that but I’d be stuck as well. Whenever my weight does drop more than a couple of pounds, my body tries to fight it by being stuck and I’m not stuck at all. This is it too, as I’m not going to spend my life trying to lose weight I’m not meant to lose. In fact, I’m going to have 2000 calories a day and let my weight continue to go up. Taking these pills may help suppress my appetite and it may keep me where I’m at, but I can’t afford to take these things forever. If I were in my 20s, the calorie cut from the suppressed appetite would cause me to lose weight, but at this age, it hangs on despite the calorie cut. I saw that when I tried starving every other day. An older person can cut their calories and still hold their weight very easily. I figure it’s either a fate thing, a thyroid thing or an age thing. Since I never had thyroid problems or problems losing weight in the past, I really think it’s just an age thing. I can cut calories, starve myself, and jog around the house all day but I’m simply too old to be losing weight. I guess it’s a good thing, though, when you consider the fact that if I lost a significant amount of weight I wouldn’t have anything that fit since I got rid of my skinny clothes a long time ago, and we’re going to save about $75 on a full month’s supply. I said I wouldn’t buy the full month’s supply without at least a 5-pound drop and there’s no way in hell I’m going to drop that much by the end of the week.

I was truly shocked to read and learn that Monster got arrested once for assaulting Mary. I thought she was just like me where no matter what or how someone hurt her, they’d automatically be guaranteed the right from above to get away with it. If I’d been in her shoes, I’d be the one accused, tried and convicted of James’ abuse and Gretchen’s murder, and Monster would be walking the streets today a free animal.

Friday, September 26, 2003

Day 4 and I’ve only lost a pound, but I swear my waist has shrunk a half-inch to an inch. Still, I don’t see how it can make that much more of a difference in another 4 days. Not nearly enough of one to buy a month’s supply anyway. The only side effect I seem to have from the stuff is a slightly sore lower back. It’s weird, but ironically, it began when I began these pills.

I thought about what I wanted to do from here and decided it would be too expensive to always have to buy new clothes if I let myself keep gaining, so I’m going to settle for getting down to 120. Then I’ll be just 15-20 pounds overweight. 120 is worlds away from 129 at this age and it’ll take me a few months of practically starving to get there, but I might be able to do it in time. It’ll just be as hard to do as going from 129 to 100 was when I was younger.

Later…

Tom was right. They did move the house in front. However, it’s even more visible than it was before. Especially from the living room windows and the parking lot. It could actually be a bit noisy when we’re out there along with them and their dogs, which I know is going to be in front, even though their front door’s facing west. God hasn’t been very kind to me, for the most part, when it comes to neighbors, and I’m just afraid he’s going to stick some very noisy and outdoorsy people over there. With my shit luck, they’ll build a deck in front to hang out on, and when it’s cooler, there’ll be people visible from the living room window as often as in back. After being cursed so badly with past neighbors, it’s hard for me not to picture things like them opening their windows to blast music outside while they hang out front, someone being home as often as I am, kids screaming up a storm, and barking dogs stored outside in front 24/7 that will bark plenty loud enough to be heard in here and no doubt every time we step foot outside as well. I’d rather the screaming kids than the barking dogs, though. Kids aren’t outside 24/7, but dogs are. I just know I’m in for a rowdy bunch with one or more big dogs! God knows how often I’ll have to hear the bass of their music thumping in here as well as see them hanging out front every time I walk by the living room windows. I’m going to really miss being able to enjoy the view in front without houses and people in it. Being this close to us and in this good of view, there’s no way we’re going to get civilized people in there without dogs or whose dogs are allowed indoors. No way. I am happy about the money it brings in, though, and I’m glad it’s a new house and not some old shit box for rent.

Sunday, September 28, 2003

After taking yesterday off, which Trimlife recommended, I gained back the two pounds I lost. Almost, anyway. I’m like half a pound under where I first started. At first I was like, look, just give it up. You can’t lose weight and there’s no point in losing weight you’ll only gain right back anyway, so just accept yourself as you are.

But then I thought about it and realized that it’s my fault I didn’t lose a significant amount because I simply didn’t work hard enough. I set my standards too low by assuming I could lose weight on 1000-1200 calories a day with one day a week off and with working out just a few times a week. I’m sure I could in my 20s, but at this day and age, I really think my best bet would be to eliminate food altogether and jog for a good 20 minutes or so every day till I get the weight off, then I can up it to eating every other day to keep the weight off. One might think it unhealthy to not eat, but with the kick-ass vitamins I take, plus lots of water, I’m not losing any nutrients. The only thing I’d be losing would be calories. Besides, if something is wrong with my thyroid, then that’s all the more reason I need to push myself harder and work harder. If I don’t do something now, I’ll never stop gaining. My problem goes behind the typical I-can’t-lose-weight problem. Not being able to keep from gaining is more like my problem. Especially if I think I can ever have 1500-2000 calories a day. If I were either younger or of average height, then I could, but not at this age and height. Meanwhile, if I just don’t open my mouth and put food in it, then sooner or later my weight’s got to come down, wacky thyroid or not.

In better news, I won a ballerina Barbie yesterday for $25 total. She’s coming from a smoke-free home in Green Bay, Wisconsin.

I’m not going to be getting the Kate picture I ordered because they no longer have it. They offered me a 10% discount on anything else I may want, but I decided not to bother. I could get the picture from another place, but I guess I just don’t really want it all that bad.

If I don’t hear from Rosa by the end of this coming week, then I’ll assume she didn’t get the letter. I can’t imagine her not writing back if she did get it.

We decided to go on eBay on Wednesday with one item to start with to see how it goes and have it end over the weekend. So we’ll run Samantha for 5 days.

We’re each going to join a casino from our own logins through Memolink. I just joined the Desert Dollar and am awaiting their approval. We had to scan my ID for them. Once I’m approved, I’ll have over 9000 points, plus $50 to start gambling with.

Later…

Got an email from Trimlife. They wanted to verify what group I was in. They say that 50% of the people lose 7-10 pounds and end up in Group A. Figures I’m not in that group. Group B is for 30% of the people. They end up losing 3-6 pounds. Group C, which I just had to qualify for, only loses 2 pounds or less.

For qualifying for Group C, they recommend doubling my Trimlife dose and drinking 8-10 glasses of water a day. That much doesn’t surprise me. What does surprise me is that they recommend only a moderate workout of just 15-20 minutes, 4-5 times a week. I thought they’d tell me to work out every day till I dropped. They also surprised me by recommending rice, potatoes and pasta. I can see the chicken, fish, turkey and lean beef, though, and I can see avoiding bread, pop, salty and high-fat foods like they recommend.

I know I said I wouldn’t get it without at least a 5-pound loss, but I really believe the stuff will give me the strength I need to starve, just like the Nicorette gave me the strength I needed to quit smoking.

Monday, September 29, 2003

I have yet another new story idea in mind for the story I’m now working on. I think I’ve finally figured out where I’m heading with it.

I woke up at 127 and of course I’m stuck. Today, though, I’ve been so hungry. It’s like my body wants to make up for the lack of eating I did yesterday. Why it’s so important to my body to hang onto its weight is still beyond me. Yesterday I had 500 calories and today I’m going to have around 1000. I’ll gain back a pound or two for sure. Especially if I don’t shit today.

The house in front has moved once again. We’re thinking that they’re going to be dumb enough to set it at ground level, judging by the tractor I saw parading around over there today, and I hope they do. That will give us added privacy. I hope the house is going to be set up where it’s currently at, too. We can barely see it and the front’s no longer facing us. If they’re going to blast music, we’re going to hear it no matter where they’re at, but knowing how most people and their animals hang out in the front of their houses out here, it should keep the people and the dogs more out of sight and out of sound. I’m also beginning to think this may be the only house to come over there after all, too. I just hope whoever sells it does just that – sells it and doesn’t rent it.

Later…

I ended up having about 1200 calories and gaining back 3 pounds. Oh well, I guess I’ll just have to try harder. Come grocery day I’ll get very, very little food. I realized another thing I can do to help myself and that’s not having the food around to give in to when the hunger strikes, just like it helped not having cigarettes around when I was quitting. Losing weight and quitting smoking are very similar in that the tools of destruction must be eliminated.

Tuesday, September 30, 2003

I was surprised to get a letter from Paula today. It was a nice one too, saying I’d always be her best friend and the only one who really understands her. Anyway, her life sucks, as usual. The poor girl’s stressed out on account of her probation, Miguel and the threat of going to jail and losing Justin.

She also enclosed a picture of her and Justin. They don’t look good at all, to be honest. They’re both pretty heavy. I can see where Paula’s the 170 pounds she said she was, but hey, she is middle-aged and she did have two kids. I had to laugh when I noted her expression which was as serious as it usually is when she gets her picture taken. It was hard to tell without a close-up of her face, but she looks younger than she is at 36 years of age.

She also got the package and was wearing the watch as we spoke.

I also received a very short letter from Mary and some drafts. Just as soon as she gets me Scot’s correct email address, I’ll send him a copy of her book. Now all I have to do is hope she hangs onto her copy till she’s released so she can organize it herself. I’m sick of being the shuffler! Besides, she can’t make and have any money from the book while she’s in jail.

My own book is progressing well. I should have it done in a few weeks or less.

Yesterday’s 1200-or-so-calorie splurge didn’t hurt me as bad as I thought it would. I’m only a pound heavier than I was yesterday.

[withlovewendy]

My Little Corner in the Internet

Haven't been here in a while and it's already nearing the end of 2025...

As usual, my life's still the same ol' same ol', another year but it's more of less the same, with slightly hormonely charged kids and more brain cells dying in the process of reasoning with them.

I feel like the older I get, the foggier my brain gets; like my once very sharp capacity for memory is just a fog of blur now, I can remember specks and shards of something but never in full detail. For most of my days, I always have this agonizing frustrated with life feeling, like why am I like this, why can't I be free, why am I so unmotivated in life, why do I not feel adequate, why am I so trapped in this endless cycle of "housewifing"? I used to be someone who is full of ideas, full of energy, having the ability to find joy and excitement in the smallest things but now.. I feel like a candle that's totally burnt out. I might have a lot things and am able to do many things that I couldn't do in my younger days but why do I always carry this heavy feeling with me all the time... my shoulders feel literally heavy, my head feels dull and I just don't feel happy in general. Or maybe that's my way of self preserving what I still have. Like a defense mechanism? Definitely do not feel any bright and spright for sure anymore. I'm turning 37 this year, like what? Can't help it but to think at the back of my mind... what if? What if I didn't have kids? Would I be the trophy wife following my husband on his business trips and just be eternally on a holiday? or would we be digital nomads, living in and out of countries of our choice just because.. the freedom to pursue my once loved hobbies; art and crafts, traveling, to be able to buy the Chanel Mini Square of my dreams, to be able to fully concentrate on learning a new language and not get distracted by daily chores.

What if? On a better note, while I am the dullest housewife/mom/person ever.. my husband never ceases to put me first although I should be a bit more enthusiastic when it comes to being prioritized. To be honest, internally I feel very happy and elated but somehow I am just.. kind of expressionless. I know, I deserved to be struck.

Like hello.. I finally got a new iPhone and an iMac! It was quite a spur of the moment purchase though.. split into three separate months.

So, I was using my iPhone 11 Pro for 6 years already, while it was still working fine, battery life was tip top due to my "preservation" skills which is basically turning off your phone before you sleep every night but it's an old phone and with only 64gb memory, I had to live with a measly 7-8gb of space that I have to constantly clear for my photos and videos. And because of that, my husband just walked into the phone store and got me a brand new iPhone 16 Pro 256gb just like that. Feels nice to have money huh. I want to be like that too. I think the best way to describe how I feel is, helpless and inadequate. Not that he makes me feel like that anyway but it's just myself feeling like the smallest person in the world.

The following month.. he finally upgraded his Macbook Pro which was a well deserved one, because after taking over his old Macbook just for a day, I really didn't know how he could live with that thing for five whole years. It was laggy, it overheats and just downright unproductive. The only good thing about it was the large screen. It was the perfect size but alas the performance just deters any of us from wanting to use it which lead to the next month.. I have always wanted an iMac, and personally a laptop is too small for me, maybe it's the age catching up but I prefer everything to be bigger now; bigger screen, bigger fonts, bigger tables, bigger clothes.. you name it. I just want to be comfortable and stress less.

So with the Macbook Pro out of the question, the next step was... do we buy another laptop or do we get a desktop? The husband has always insisted on a Mac Mini, which to me is.. no, no, no and a big NO. I didn't want to have a Frankenstein of a desktop, with many random components together that just looks so out of place. It was either another Macbook Air or an iMac, and seeing how all of us except him gravitate to the iMac whenever we were at an Apple store, it was a no brainer that we wanted that. So, the ultimatum was, either you get us the iMac or nothing. And we won... we came home with an iMac! The hardest thing was choosing a colour... I wanted the yellow or orange, green or pink. But somehow due to the kids stronger opinions, we ended up with Blue. But at the back of my mind, I wanted the Pink. And the more I look at the pink the more regret beckons upon me that I should have gotten the pink. While I still have a week to go for an exchange, Raven has made it impossible because she has desecrated the box which means I can't bring it in for an exchange anymore.

So.. now I have to live with a blue iMac, which is not bad really but the pink.. I'm not a pink person but I will always choose pink because, it's pink? Isn't it the sweetest colour and this M4 version of the pink is such a bubblegum pink, it's so pretty.

I'm totally manifesting that my husband will get me another iMac, and it better be pink!

So that's kinda the latest update for now.. still the same but everyday is like the sea, sometimes it's stormy, sometimes it's calm.

Good to be an adult but adulting is sooooooo hard....

[stardust-in-my-mind-blog]

me to me to me to me

alright, we knew this was coming

sick + loss + uncertainty + challenging obstacles + more loss

perfect formula for the big sad

who is going to try and convince you

the only safe place in this world is under your covers

the furnace is being a bitch again so it's convincing

the moving out situation is actually ideal

just take what you want and leave all the trash

no consequences and they'll take all of it

better than leaving most of your apartments

you handled the car thing with minimal skill regression

identified the problem made a call got it fixed and paid

he even came in half blind to make it work for the weekend

you're not burning out you just have a cold

though it does get really scary when our energy levels tank

the dog won't have to get sick anymore taking your pain

you've had good conversations with theo and he's ready

we can use today as a last day to recover but tonight

we have to pack up all our books and put them in a suitcase

so it's easy to carry them because they'll be heavy

everything will be made easy to carry

I don't have to feel guilty for what I have to leave behind

which means our bed because so many toddlers

have peed on it that the memory foam has to be rancid

I got it after I escaped the first time so me and my twins

that aren't twins could all sleep together in it

when I left they were both in diapers

it's so much like the first time that it aches everywhere

that could just be the cold though

last night I felt so empty inside and it was a little scary

I could only feel the emotions of others like I was a ghost

I wonder how long or how many times I felt like that

now I'll stop wondering because the answer won't help

It feels like I used to be so much better at this stuff

but I also know I didn't really feel things either

I'm not panicking and the walls aren't closing in

I hope that's not just because of the cold

to be honest I'd take depression over anxiety any day

the moon was full and gorgeous last night

I sat under it for awhile and pretended we were trading secrets

mostly I wanted to close my eyes and rest for a bit

I'm not full of fear or dread but everything feels muted

I got to really sink into an embrace for a bit which was nice

books today and whatever else I can put in a bin

saturday I can have the kids each fill one from their rooms

they each have beds and mattresses and gavin's desktop

I don't even know if I want to keep my dresser

I love my blue desk that reminds me of the tardis

most of my furniture I found on the street

it feels wasteful to leave it but I don't want the memories

I have the good ones in photos and little things

everything is a little broken anyways which is

likely why it was thrown out in the first place

but I have a thing for cast offs and orphans

it's weird to be so sad about something I wanted

maybe if I let the sad flow through me the hype will return

there's so many things that make this easier than other times

each right move and step forward will unfold the path

it feels like I've been walking on a dark invisible path

for quite awhile but when I look back it's like I

was guided along by fireflies the whole time

I just have to keep going and facing all the stuff

I think I'm scared of because like the mechanic

usually after I take care of it I realize I'm not scared of it

have to be mindful of my mental state and not focus

on where I'm lacking or lead that way because while

I could assume everything will be awful I can just as

easily assume everything is going to be so much better

and to be honest it wouldn't take much to be better

so betting on better is not silly gamble to make at all

maybe I should go to temple tomorrow and get good energy

maybe bring kuan-yin some kind of offering

people always put flowers on her toes in the spring

just have to keep my spirits up and get the work done

now I know I can still sing even when I'm sick

not as well as I like but that makes sense

just keep walking through everything

somehow I got this

[boredkaiju]

I LOVE physical media and far prefer DvD's above streaming. However, I feel it worth mentioning that you can still stream them in various ways. The easy one: Cartoon Network and other channels that may or may not be doing so legally will often upload full episodes of old shows. Now, this is not the best way to watch because it's unorganized and unreliable, but it's an option and it is free. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PcD_9i7sfFE&ab_channel=CartoonNetwork (I can't get the link to be an embedded video for some reason but i swear it takes you to a Billy and Mandy episode if you use it lol)

SECOND OPTION: You buy more shows than people realize on the iTunes (TECHNICALLY Apple TV now but they combined them and now it's really weird and confusing), and many shows can be permanently purchased with a free iTunes account as opposed to the paid Apple TV+ subscription. I still use my iTunes account to watch lots of shows I bought on here in the past, and I've never had to pay for Apple TV+. I want it on record I am sharing this as somebody who DESPISES APPLE WITH THE FIRE PASSION OF 43 SUNS. HOLY FRIK ARE THEY TERRIBLE. But. Their library of shows you can buy without a subscription is nice. So they get ONE good boy point. ONE. I've even found shows on here that are marketed as "Netflix exclusives", like Dinotrux. I will offer the warning that as a streaming service it's still possible these shows could be removed at some point. In the very least I can say that in my 18 or so years of buying shows through iTunes I haven't had any issues with them vanishing, though. But if getting a physical disk is somehow difficult (such as scarcity driving prices up, for example), I recommend checking here as you can buy shows for relatively affordable prices. IMPORTANT CAVEAT: If you choose to get shows this way, check the iTunes store specifically, not just Apple TV unless you are searching on a roku/streaming TV thing. I don't get why, I think it's weird and confusing, but for some reason I've been able to find shows through searches on iTunes that won't appear when searching on Apple TV's desktop website (like the previously mentioned Dinotrux), and there's no way to watch these shows in-browser without an Apple TV+ account, but you CAN watch them through iTunes. You should also be able to find them searching on the Apple TV app via a roku or other streaming TV stick, likewise available for purchase with a free apple account and no need for an Apple TV+ subscription. Holy beans I hate how confusing Apple makes this.

TL;DR get physical media it is SOOOO much better than streaming. But you can often still watch some things on the youtube or buy shows on itunes that are allegedly not available streaming anymore. So that's an option. P.S.: I hate apple so so so so much. But sometimes they can do okay things.

Just got word that Billy & Mandy will be leaving MAX at the end of the year. If anyone's interested in grabbing some physical media, I'm putting up the last of my DVDs on eBay this week. Who knows what will happen in the future, but the series has never had a full DVD set made, so discs like these may soon be the only way to see the show.

I'm in "Holiday Blowout Mode", so not only are there DVDs and original production art, but posters, crew gifts, and rare merch from shows like Chowder, KND, Samurai Jack, etc.

A lot of people have seemed sad for me that I'm selling off all of this old art. Honestly, most of it has sat in boxes for nearly 25 years. If I didn't sell it, I'd probably pull it out once every couple of decades while looking for a tape measure. At least this way, ideally somebody who wants it ends up with it and can enjoy it more than I would. I'm super-thankful to everyone who's bid so far!

Right now, I'm really just trying to buy myself time. Time for the animation industry to "bounce back", if that is indeed its destiny. Or just time to figure out What's Next.