#I wanted to draw more but this is all I have for the special day
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ennn · 2 days ago
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Unpacking the Deals of Ep 8: Why and What They Mean
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So episode 8 is... let's say a bit of a mess. I know there's some confusion around why Agatha proposes her terms for the first deal, why Rio flipped into cackling villain mode, why Rio makes another deal, etc.
Here's my read that hopefully helps draw a line from point A to B to C.
Let's consider the context of the first deal: Agatha's not having a good day. Two coven members who Agatha never expected to care about have died trying to protect her – a thing that has never happened before. And Death happens to be a person she can blame.
Death, who is pressing on that bruise ("Your coven is shrinking") and making her shitty day worse because she wants the kid Agatha is hardcore projecting on (and also didn't plan to care about) to die. Just like Nicky.
But Agatha then realises she has leverage on Rio. For the first time in forever, she has an advantage she can exploit. She can be in control.
And it's almost instinctive for Agatha at this point: finding the best buttons to push, the best terms for her given the opportunity.
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Agatha: If I deliver Billy, you let me go. Rio: You will eventually die, Agatha. Agatha: But I want you to stop pursuing me. I want you to stop making my life hell. And when I die, a long, long, long, long, long time from now, I don't want to see your face. Rio: ... Okay.
The terms that Agatha sets out seem cruel because they are. She says what she does because she wants it to hurt. Agatha's not only rejecting Rio's continued presence in her life, she's denying all the love that Rio's given her, building on what she's said before ("You gave me nothing.")
From Rio's POV, Agatha's cutting words aside, this entire deal sucks. Because the options are:
(a) Agatha doesn't hold up her end, which Rio knows might happen: Rio knows Agatha cares about Billy ("I know how you feel about him"). Rio's constantly reminding her he's not Nicky. She was already doubting Agatha would deliver her usual number of corpses. She saw how affected Agatha was after Alice's death.
If Agatha doesn't help, she'd be choosing a boy over everything Rio's done again – and this time another woman's.
And if Rio somehow manages to take Billy anyway, Agatha will end up hating her twice forever.
(b) Agatha does hold up her end, which might also happen: Rio knows Agatha's manipulative and smart and capable. More than that, she's well aware Agatha hates her. That Agatha still doesn't see what she's done for her ("No one in history has had special treatment like you").
That she knows Agatha does care about Billy but maybe hates her so much that she's willing to go through with this to cut her out from her life. Billy would be a dear price but one Agatha's maybe willing to pay.
Even if it was a 50:50 chance for these options, I think Rio realises her relationship with Agatha is doomed either way.
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Either way she does her job, with or without Agatha's help, she's going to be rejected and lose. One's just a slower path than the other.
I think that's why Rio gives in to her rage and bitterness and spite. Agatha thinks Rio's been making her life hell? She'll show her hell.
And Agatha, well I think there's some merit to the thinking that she didn't expect Rio to fold that quickly and completely.
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Now for the context of the second deal, it's not clear whether Rio knows what happened with Tommy. I assume Rio doesn't – not yet anyway – as she doesn't mention it at all and seems focused on squaring that one life Billy stole.
Now here's where it gets a little squirrely, to borrow Schaeffer's language. Because if you don't look too closely, it seems to make sense: Billy stole a life so to maintain the natural balance, Rio needs to take a life, the one Billy has now.
But how does Agatha's life work as a substitute for this imbalance (“This means you’re coming with me”)? Would any other person’s life work? Could Rio have swapped someone else's life to save Nicky then? Agatha would have been all too happy to arrange for that murder.
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I doubt the show is ever going to explain this so I offer few possible theories to deal with this weirdness:
Billy Maximoff is a product of chaos magic, so his existence and everything he affects already throws off the natural order, just to different orders of magnitude. Agatha’s life works as a substitute because his life is now intertwined with hers e.g. his hex probably saved her life from the Salem Seven and has the potential for greater imbalance
Rio is aware of Agatha’s tendency towards chaos and defiance of the natural order. Rio bent the rules of the universe only for Agatha. Taking her life would protect the balance in the larger scheme of things – if only so Rio won’t be further tempted to give her special treatment.
When Rio’s torturing Agatha it’s before she presents the second deal. So she’s still intending to go after Billy, she’s just removing Agatha as an obstacle while lashing out in rage and heartbreak.
In this moment Rio probably thinks Billy's in the wind. She saw how upset Billy was with Agatha at the end of episode 5. And Rio knows the reputation Agatha keeps ("Why do you let them believe those things about you?"), Rio probably thinks Agatha deliberately drove him off to keep him safe.
Then Billy pops up and Rio sees that Billy and Agatha care about each other and they're both aware they care about each other.
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Fuckin’ great. Rio's not bitter at all.
Looks like you two are finally on the same page. So I'll let you decide. One of you stays with me. The other walks free.
Agatha proposed a deal designed to hurt her? Now it’s her turn.
From Rio's POV, I think here are the possible outcomes:
(a) Agatha sacrifices herself for Billy: Not impossible I think. Rio knows Agatha cares about the boy but she also knows Agatha will do anything to survive. She thinks she's above death. But again, I think Rio also knows Agatha would have sacrificed herself for Nicky if she had that choice.
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What did Lorna want from the Road? To save her daughter.
This isn't an ideal outcome for Rio but she’s already resigned herself to losing Agatha I think, one way or another. This way if Agatha wants Billy to live so badly, this is the price she has to pay. The high cost of living.
(b) Billy steps up and sacrifices himself: Very possible given that Billy’s a young heroic sort and already showed up, risking his life to power up Agatha. Rio gets to do her job. Agatha will probably hate her more given the Nicky trauma but Rio’s already resigned to this on some level already, which is why she's raging.
Either way Agatha's going to hurt, and Rio's going to hurt.
It's interesting that when Billy does volunteer himself and Agatha seizes the opportunity to remind Rio of their earlier deal, Rio just shakes her head and looks amused.
You can also see for a brief moment Agatha looking almost remorseful about doing this before slipping her theatrical villainous mask on, overcompensating for her true feelings.
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Do you remember pain? It kinda tickles doesn't it?
By the letter (not the spirit or intent) of the first deal, Agatha did ultimately fulfil her part:
I can arrange that. I can get him to the finish line and deliver him to you.
This is an opportunity that's almost impossible to resist for someone as calculating and ruthless and selfish like Agatha. She has power (chaos magic no less), she can have Rio leave her alone forever (she knows Rio honours her word), she knows Billy cares about her but can she really trust him?
But Agatha ultimately decides to take a risk. A calculated one sure, but still a risk.
I think the beauty in the kiss and her sacrifice is how – despite her calculating the odds – Agatha is choosing to give in to what she feels and wants in that moment.
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Because she does want to protect the boy in a way no one did for her when she was young. She wants to save Billy like she couldn't with Nicky. And she does want Rio so much despite everything that's happened.
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scribs-dibs · 3 days ago
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so weak!
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modern au, neuvillette x gn! reader, vv fluffy, written in the summer, very silly & unserious <3
wc ; ~4.5k
listened to weak by swv if you couldn't tell 🔥🔥
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"it's not a phase i want you to stay with me"
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To say you are fond of your new neighbor would be the understatement of the century.
Your hands are covered in a thin film of flour and yeast, and it’s a blessing that your fingers can work with just muscle memory as you knead. Your mind is elsewhere, filled to the brim with thoughts of Neuvillette. It’s not your fault, really. Anyone would be taken by him; he is unfairly, nearly inhumanly pretty. Long, fair hair and strong cheekbones, a pointed nose with a rounded bridge that leads into stunning multicolored eyes. You’d seen pretty people in magazines and movies before, of course– but seeing him in the flesh, without makeup or filters or special lighting had them all immediately paling in comparison. And the worst part? Neuvillette is one of the kindest souls you’d ever met.
If asked, you would blame the hot summer sun for the sweat that had built on top of your brow. But you were nervous. You’d gotten over most of your fears when moving into a new town, (thanks to your neighbors greeting you with a kindness warm enough to melt the coldest winters) but then, standing before the grand, white wooden door of the new stranger’s home, you had felt every blood vessel pump with anxiety. And you weren't quite sure why, either. Drawing near the door seemed to make air feel heavy in your lungs, with each step seemingly bringing you closer to your doom. You swallowed. And then you knocked.
You can't tell if you wanted to thank your past self for pushing through, or curse them for giving you your current problem.
It was not Neuvillette who had answered the door. Instead, it was a creature named Elphane— a melusine. It was a surprise, to see someone inhuman and fuzzy, but she greeted you with such goodwill you would be remiss to not do the same. The one behind her was the issue. The looming, fierce presence that stood protectively at her back, and piercing holes into your skin as he watched you. Your nerves came back to you in a rush.
It was a gift, from whatever archon was watching over you, that your meeting went without a hitch. Despite how frightened you were, Neuvillette's concerned, cool gaze melted into something softer once pleasantries were out of the way. You owe it all to your offering— a quaint and humble apple pie.
Baking was a hobby you had taken up earlier into your move. You would not describe it as the easiest thing you've done, but it does serve to ground you. To put your worries into precise measurements and knead them into dough, and then have a result that leads into something edible. Not to mention, it makes your neighbors adore you, newly-moved melusines included. And of course, you adore them too. It's their guardian that's a problem.
Neuvillette has consumed the better part of most of your waking days. You come back from work, and it is his clear multicolored eyes who greet you over the fence. They form the shape of crescents when he smiles, faint and polite, like fresh spring water. You're weak in the knees.
It is him who knocks on your door on occasion, pale skin slightly flushed as he offers you produce from his garden.
"To repay your earlier kindness," He'll say, and his voice is so rich and silky it feels as if it curls around you like a blanket. You're weak in the knees.
It is his daughters(?) that tell you what he says behind closed doors—
"Neuvillette used to dislike sweets. But he always smiles when he tries your food. Says it takes a special talent to make sweets this good. Can you make more for him?" Verenata asked you one day, teal paws cupping several macrons, "And more for me?"
You're weak.
When you're done kneading and yearning, you leave your dough covered so it can rest. You are too hyper to do the same. Out the window, the sinking sun paints the sky in warm shades of pink. Summer nights are much cooler now, such is the gift of August taking its leave.
Stepping outside gifts you with the gentle kiss of fresh air. Your small porch is one of your favorite parts of your home. When you were little, you had often wondered why it was older people sat outside and did nothing but stare out into the world above. Now older and wiser, you can understand it. It's peaceful— you could sit out here for hours and watch the sky change to reveal the stars. If not for the mosquitoes.
You sit on the second-lowest step, staring up at the softly drifting clouds and noting their different shapes. This one is similar to Ottnit's horns-- it curls around itself in a spiral. That one looks like a pancake; you wonder if you still have a box of pancake-mix in the back of your cupboard still. You wonder if you have the guts to invite Neuvillette over for breakfa—
No.
This bubbling crush is getting ridiculous. You don't even know him that well-- even though you desperately want to. You can imagine it now: the plush of his lips falling open as you ask the question, his head tilted and his pointed ears twitching (a feature that makes you wonder if the melusines aren't the only ones who aren't human, but that'd be ridiculous), before he politely refuses you. He's a busy man— at least you think him to be, because he's always hard at work. You don't know how he manages to keep such a bountiful garden so nicely kept when he is always working such long hours. On more than one occasion, you've caught him tending to it in the rain. A hard worker. A kind heart. He makes your own kick wildly in the confines of your chest.
The sky has turned more purple now, ink blotting the blush-tinted sky. Faintly, you can see the stars. Bright like those eyes of his. Like the ones that stare at you as you sit on your porch.
You nearly jump out of your skin.
And you wish you had it in you to scream at him for the scare, but he looks just as startled as you do.
He now looks at you in awe, like you've grown a second head, before he collects himself. Before you know it his demeanor is back, calm as quiet waters.
"My apologies. I didn't mean to frighten you."
And you hate him a little bit for that, too. The voice that you have imprinted into your mind, hanging on to every dip and curve of each syllable, is apologizing to you in a tone so sincere it almost hurts. He makes you ache.
Though you are screaming internally, you smile and say, "Aw, no worries Mis-" you notice how his brow is already furrowing. He's told you before, Neuvillette is fine, no need for formalities. We're neighbors, after all. "...No worries, Neuvillette. It's, uh, nice to see you."
You want to face-plant directly into the ground. Busy as he is, you see each other nearly everyday. 
If Neuvillette notices the awkwardness of your phrasing, he clearly doesn't mind. His understanding is found in an undeniably fond smile. 
"Same to you," And then your name. He says it so tenderly, like it is precious. You're going to burst into flames right here, and illuminate the darkening skies for all to see. 
There's a small beat of awkward silence, which is filled with your eyes scanning for anything to look at but him. Neuvillette stands just at the border of your fence, its gate opened but his feet firmly planted at the edges. It's like there's a barrier there, put in place so as to keep him, in specific, out. And, well, you are shivering and shaking at the mere thought of seeing him any closer, but it does feel...pitiful to have him so far away.
"You...can come closer if you want." You pat the space on the step next to you.
His eyes widen again, the same expression of surprise he had shown when he had first appeared. And again, he schools it into something more familiar, collected and calm. It's almost vampiric how he steps forward with an eagerness, but only after being invited to do so. 
You almost want to laugh-- the man is so lanky that he has to shift awkwardly to fit properly on the small step. But then he settles fully and your laugh dies immediately. You inhale, and then it dawns upon you that he's close.
Neuvillette smells fresh. Like getting misted with rain after an ongoing drought. And then something faintly sweet, like flowers-- his garden. It intoxicates you-- this was a horrible idea.
"You have my thanks,"
You can only nod. You don't trust your voice not to betray you. 
This time, the silence that follows is not awkward and stiff. It is a serene, natural thing, as you both gaze at the ever-brightening stars.
"This is lovely," comes his voice in a whisper, as if speaking too loudly will cause the sky to ripple like a stone thrown atop a pond's surface. "But...would you mind so terribly if I were to confess something?"
You are going to die.
Confess makes it sound like he was hiding something from you. Confess makes it sound like he was harboring something, keeping it close, watching it bloom. Confess makes it sound like it was blooming for you.
It chants in your ear so loudly you can barely hear it over your voice.
Confess. Confess. Confess.
"O-of course. Go ahead."
Confess. Confess. Confess.
Another one of his smiles. The moon caresses the planes of his face, and you are envious of how they brush against his cheekbones and the sharp lines of his jaw. Your eyes immediately flicker back— his cheeks. There's a faint flush brushed across them. 
"It is...a bit embarrassing, admittedly,"
Confess. Confess. Confess.
"I..had been meaning to ask.."
Confess. Confess. Confess.
"...If you would mind teaching me how you make those pastries of yours?"
The heart is a funny thing.
At first, it sinks. Your heart is but a lump in your chest now, vulnerable and lonely. You were a fool to think that someone like Neuvillette of all people would see you in that way. He is put together— a calm, guiding force for the melusines, the talk of your little neighborhood. And you? You are but a neighbor, lucky enough to be housed next to him. But then—
You wanted to know him better, didn't you?
Immediately, your mind races. Neuvillette, in your home. Neuvillette's long, pretty fingers shaky with inexperience. Neuvillette, with his eyes focused on his new task, focused on you. You feel dizzy. You are weak in the knees.
It's a horrible idea.
For one, your house must pale in comparison to his. His house is a stately one. You remember, the first time you had stepped foot in front of his door, thinking that the previous owners must've prepped it just for his arrival. A freshly painted baby-blue on the siding. Hedges trimmed to perfection. A pathway with not a single stone out of place. That big, intimidating white door, with golden detailing around the edges. Your house is not *horrible* by any means. But it is not his.
For seconds, you can barely sit next to the guy without losing what's left of your sanity.
It's a horrible idea.
"I-"
You face him, and those pearlescent eyes are boring into you. Controlled, steady, expectant.
"I would be happy to help you out!" You say too quickly, all in one breath.
Neuvillette has never really laughed in front of you. You seem to be privy to the smaller, faint smiles that make your head spin, but never a laugh.
So when you hear it for the first time— breathy and filled to the brim with mirth, you forget all about the way your heart had sunken a mere seconds ago, and fall for him all over again. Like a lovesick fool.
His smile is wide, showing teeth. You're starting to wonder if you have something going here, with him not being fully human. You swear on everything you own— his canines are sharper than normal. What's worse? It only makes you more enamored.
"It would seem I owe you my thanks again," his hand is close to yours. The tips of his gloved fingers are nearly touching your own, and that alone makes your heart want to take flight. "Looks like I'll be owing you a debt for a while still."
Your mouth opens to speak. You want to tell him that it's okay, that it's not an issue of owing you anything. That you'd walk through hell barefoot if it meant hearing that laugh again. But you don't get a chance to speak.
Because his hand, with warmth ebbing through the thin fabric, covers yours and gives it a light squeeze. It's such a small, clearly platonic motion, and yet your heart— your heart. It beats as though it means to clamber out of your chest and run for the hills. Away from the porch, away from the stars, away from his hand that fits snugly over yours. 
"Shall we meet tomorrow?"
You nod with an urgency unbefitting such a light conversation. "Of course, it's a-"
No. It's not a date. It's not anything like a date. In fact it couldn't be further from one.
"Of course." Is where you settle.
Neuvillette's smile only widens, and again you are met with those pointed teeth.
"It's a date, then."
You're going to die.
꧁꧂
You make pancakes for breakfast, but you can't taste them.
Last night, you scratched at the mosquito bites littering your forearms, but all you could feel was his hand, with warmth ebbing through the thin fabric, covering yours as he gives it a light squeeze. As you brushed your teeth this morning, you swear you could smell something fresh. Like getting misted with rain after an ongoing drought. As you spread syrup over your pancakes, your gaze was unfocused. You see those pearlescent eyes boring into you. Controlled, steady, expectant. You're going to die.
You know how to bake. At work, you browse recipes to try during your breaks. At home, if you feel sluggish, you bake to take your mind off of things. You have experience by now. But how can you trust yourself to teach someone else if that someone could send you to heaven just by smiling? It's not fair. You're doomed.
You can think of at least ten ways to call off this impromptu lesson off the top of your head. You can pretend to be sick, or flee the country, for example. But then comes your second issue: Neuvillette's disappointment. The corner of his lips turned downwards into a frown, a soft exhale leaving his too-tense shoulders. You're grieving with him at the thought. You're doomed.
There's no getting out of the hole you've dug yourself, so you take to organizing your ingredients. You are good at baking. You know how to bake. You will not trip over your own feet, or swallow your own tongue attempting to speak. You are good at this. Everything is fine.
From the door comes two firm knocks, and your life flashes before your eyes.
You are reminded of your first meeting with him, how your heart was pounding in your head, how his eyes were boring into you. And this time, it's within your own home! You open the door with as much grace and poise as a chicken without its head.
Neuvillette always looks good. In fact, good is too little of a word to describe how he looks. You could use elegant, or debonair, or divine, but it's different when he's this close.
His hair is tied back, appropriate for the mess that baking often creates, and a singular button is undone from his loose dress shirt. Neuvillette is someone who dresses without big, ornate details, but still carries a serene type of class. He feels clean and proper, even if he is dressing casually. This is the first time it hits you— you've never even seen him without gloves. Usually, he wears them for work and keeps them on thereafter, or his hands are covered with thick, rubber gardening gloves. You feel like a victorian noble, with such little exposed skin causing such a distraction. There's so much. You have a full view of the planes of his face, without wispy swipes of white obstructing your gaze.  You are leveled with a set of beautiful, strong collarbones. So much and yet—
You cannot help but stare at his uncovered, painted nails.
"Ah," he says, and again you hear him laugh-- you must be blessed. This one is lighter, a gentle breeze carrying a pleasant memory, "The melusines requested I matched with them. This was one of the ways we had decided on."
Neuvillette offers a hand, and pastel, patterned nails come into full view. The swooping swirls of Muirne. The star-like shapes of Cosanzeana. The baby-blue of Sigewinne. He carries ten of them under his gloves, with him at all times. That fact is sweet on its own. And then he says—
"We do try to alternate every few weeks or so."
Your heart melts.
You aren't quite sure what melusines are, or where they came from, but you do know that Neuvillette cares for them as he would his own kin. He's like a proud father, it's adorable.
"It wouldn't impede our baking lesson, would it?"
He's adorable.
"No! Ah, no it won't, no worries!"
 ꧁꧂
With every scan of his eyes, you become more acutely aware that this is actually happening and not some prank orchestrated by the gods. You have a million thoughts that are buzzing around uselessly in your mind, and at least half of them boil down to you should've cleaned more. You don't take Neuvillette to be the judgy type, but even so having him in your space makes you nervous. 
"So," you start, with your voice embarrassingly pitchy, "Have you made a cake before?"
A soft hum, "I have...attempted to," He averts his gaze, "With unfortunately low success."
You suppress a laugh at that-- the image of Neuvillette standing in a kitchen, looking disapprovingly at a sunken cake makes it a hard-won battle.
"Okay then! I'll try my best to help you. And then, maybe we can share it with the melusines."
Neuvillette seemed a bit tense at first, admitting his failures. But at your words, he melts, and his smile is so soft it almost seems blurry around the edges.
First, the dry ingredients.
"The mixing is the fun part, it's the measurements that can make or break the cake," You explain, feeling especially scholarly, "Too much flour will make the cake sink a bit the moment you pull it out of the oven, for example."
"I see..."
"I'll measure this part, just in case. Wanna mix?"
"Of course,"
You offer a shy smile of your own, and turn to prepare the rest of the ingredients. The sound of a whisk hitting your metal mixing bowl resounds for a moment, and then you hear your name (said tenderly, like it's precious).
As if pulled by puppet strings, you turn immediately.
And feel a dry mixture of flour brush against your face.
"Ah," He says, though he is clearly unsurprised, "My apologies."
What.
You do not, or at least had not taken Neuvillette to be the playful, mischievous type. But those pale eyes flicker to yours as he continues to mix, and that hint of a smile is playing at the corners of his lips. 
What?
Neuvillette sets the bowl down after a few more moments of whisking, and then his eyes are fully set on you once more. 
"Here," from his pocket, he produces a blue handkerchief, and before you can breathe he's getting closer, lower, "May I?"
You're weak in the knees. And you're going to die.
The sound that you make is something between and scream and a whimper, and something you're sure is entirely pathetic. That's quite enough of trying to speak, so you only nod.
His fingers —ungloved fingers— are gentle as they hook under your chin, and lift up. You aren't particularly short, but Neuvillette stands a good head above most. His touch is like dewdrops on top of flower petals, or a rainbow seen after the last drizzles of rain, or anything else delicate and dainty and sacred. You're struggling to stay upright. You mourn the fact that it's the light cloth wiping at your face, and not his opposite, uncovered hand. You're weak.
"There we are,"
And then his touch is gone, and he has stood up straight again.
"What is next?"
You are considerably more frazzled as you prepare the wet ingredients.
"I'll mix these," you say, trying to sound firm. You can't handle another heart attack. Neuvillete nods, but you know that the mirthful look in his eyes means he's enjoying this. He's a problem.
Neuvillette is never really smug. He doesn't gloat or brag about anything, despite taking pride in all that he does. You consider it a rarity that he smiles so often in front of you now, perhaps one of many benefits to living such close proximity to him, but god is it distracting. It's not filled with mockery, but he seems suspiciously content with watching you try and keep your cool. Your mixing becomes more frantic. 
This is stupid. He's only asking for a favor, only wants to make better treats for those dear to him. He just happens to have a stupidly smooth voice, and a stupidly pretty smile, and stupidly unashamed eyes that bore at you as you work, and—
Okay, so fuck him actually. 
With a quick flick of the wrist, and the wet mixture is splattered in little droplets across his face.
You know it has to be a touch more gross than simple flour and baking powder, but if that was a concern maybe he wouldn't have started this little war.
"My apologies." You say echo, feeling particularly proud.
"Seeking out justice with your own hands, are you?" his query is something that rumbles, waves building up and up and up before they come to crash. You would feel unnerved, if not for the way that his eyes shine with a sudden playfulness. It's so different from the Neuvillette you thought you knew, the one who is polite but passive, restrained and reserved at all times. You're seeing more and more of this new side of him, and you feel yourself becoming greedy for more. This was a horrible idea.
"It's only fair," Turning, you continue to mix. That's enough of looking at his face, blessed be.
Except the gods are *done* being on your side, apparently.
"If I recall," along with that steady voice, your shoulders are gripped by equally steady shoulders, "I cleaned up the mess I had made."
You're spun, to look at him. The metal mixing bowl nearly falls out of your arms. You're going to die. You're going to die, and your neighbor will be your undoing.
Neuvillette is looking at you, focused like you are mere prey quivering before him, luminescent eyes crinkled at the edges. It's unfair. There is a mixture of egg and buttermilk drying on his cheek, and yet you feel flustered by his gaze nonetheless.
"For it to truly be fair, you should return the favor, no?"
Your voice is meek and squeaky, but you manage.
"Oh..o-oh! Okay!"
His face is smooth. You're dangerously toeing the line between awe and jealousy as you reach for his cheek, full and unmarred by any bumps or blemishes. You're sure you're being obvious in your ogling of him, taking your sweet time to wipe the remnants of ingredients from his face, but Neuvillette seems like he's enjoying this. His eyes are so light, normally. But now, the whole of his irises are swallowed by a deep, inky black. Much like the night sky you saw yesterday.
Confess. Confess. Confess.
You must be seeing things.
꧁꧂
The rest of your baking is, mercifully, without another incident. You put the cake in the oven, are inhumanely fast while making the buttercream, and now sit under a familiar sunset.
You just need to survive until your timer goes off. 
"Neuvillette," comes your voice, breezy, "Why the sudden interest in baking?"
The man in question lowers the tie neatly pulling his hair into place, lowering the band so his hair nearly drips onto his shoulders.
"...There are a few reasons," there is a heaviness in that answer, and you feel he is indeed speaking the truth. Neuvillette is rarely one to hesitate, "But I suppose the main one would be to better cater to the melusines."
Your brows furrow at that. From what you can tell, Neuvillette is the best guardian the strangely charming creatures could offer. They sing nothing but his praises, and you know that he would do anything for them if they so much as batted their eyes up at him.
"They have taken a liking to sweets. Yours, especially," The way he looks at you is achingly tender, sweet, "While you've never expressed your discomfort with them, I figured I should share your burden of requests, or at the very least attempt to."
You're weak.
"Oh... Oh! It's no trouble at all, seriously," you nudge him with your elbow, "I like talking with them, and it's not like they just demand them."
Scattered around your home, assortments of shiny rocks and gems and trinkets decorate your shelves and end tables. They had at first insisted on paying for your goods, but at your refusal they had taken to a sort of trade instead. You adore them and their pint-sized company.
"It seems I've done well in that regard, then." Says your neighbor, with the rightful pride of a successful father.
"You have! They're the sweetest, really, so there's no need to worry."
That steady, comfortable silence wraps you in its embrace once more. A question pounds restlessly in the back of your mind.
"...If it's okay to ask, what are your other reasons?"
There is a subtle quirk to his lips, one you would not have noticed if your eyes weren't frustratingly glued to his face. It's like he was waiting for you to ask.
"Well," his voice is so soft, almost as light as your head feels. your eyes are focused on the inky black that swallows his own. Then, your eyes flicker to the whole of him— his cheeks. There's a faint flush brushed across them.
Confess. Confess. Confess.
"I've grown terribly fond of my neighbor, you see."
You don't know if he'd said anything else after that. You can hear nothing but the rapid beating of your heart, and the small ding! of your timer going off.
╌────═❁═────╌
thank you for reading! reblogs w/comments appreciated <3
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tesseractingrey · 1 day ago
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After seeing TIT in Philly, I’ve been pondering on the power of “light entertainment,” as Phil defines it, and why we all watch Dan and Phil. It’s one of the main messages of the show, and so maybe this is all obvious to everyone else, but I would like to yap more on the subject and so I will.
They explore in the show if they should be doing what other content creators do and come to the conclusion that no, that doesn’t work for them. And through their solo monologues they reveal that they aren’t really looking to grow significantly and have mainstream appeal, they really just are happy with us and where they’re at. Their content sometimes is quite funny and as much as we enjoy seeing the parts of the relationship that they want to show us, it’s so much less about whether the truth of their relationship is what we Want it to be or not and more about the fact that they feel comfortable sharing any amount of truth with us. We enjoy their relationship not because we want them to be any sort of way, but because they are happy and that happiness fills their videos these days. Their content is safe and happy, it’s that “warm feeling inside,” and the community they’ve cultivated is the same.
Something we teachers talk about sometimes is who has That Thing. There’s some indefinable Thing that some teachers have and some don’t. When you have it, kids just naturally listen better and trust you quicker and form stronger relationships with you. It sounds crazy spelled out like that, but I know some very experienced and smart teachers who don't have That Thing, and see how kids behave with them versus with a teacher who does, and the difference is palpable, if logically inexplicable.
Whatever That Thing is, Dan and Phil have it for content creation. There's something magnetic about them that draws us in and makes us feel warm and safe and we've built an amazing community together around that. I think That Thing is part of why they are where they are where they are, even though their content is mainly just gay banter with some light gaming mixed in these days. It’s not a perverse and invasive fascination with their personal lives that draws us to them, it’s just them, as they truly are, that makes their content special. As much as we do enjoy seeing their relationship, it’s more in a “providing enrichment in our enclosure” way than a “this is what drew me in and the only reason I’m here” type thing, especially these days. I love their love, but I love their happiness even more.
I’m glad that they are so happy and comfortable now with their lives and continuing to make content, because I look forward to continuing to watch it, in whatever form it may take. I don’t know how I ever lived without this warm feeling inside, and I hope to keep enjoying it for a while. It’s light entertainment and there IS value in that, not everything has to be insanely deep or emotionally devastating to be worthy of our love, but it’s not JUST light entertainment, it matters that They are the ones doing the entertaining. Maybe it’s just parasociality, but I do think we’ve got something special here, and I think they’re something special.
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darkintrinsic · 23 hours ago
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Devil's Night | Bad Omens
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adult content | minors do NOT interact.
One day I woke up and wanted to be chased to the sound of Milagre.
⋆ 𝐏𝐀𝐈𝐑𝐈𝐍𝐆. Bad Omens X Female!Reader.
⋆ 𝐒𝐘𝐍𝐎𝐏𝐒𝐈𝐒. It's devil's night and you've been invited to play. If you don't get caught by them, you win..
⋆ 𝐖𝐀𝐑𝐍𝐈𝐍𝐆(𝐒). Foul language, alcohol consumption, masked men, stalking, reverse harem, why choose, taking turns, explicit sex, fear games, submission.
It's okay to not agree with the characters' attitudes during the fic. It's good to remember that the story is fiction from the author's sick mind and of course they will make dubious decisions according to my fantasies. Nothing is done to be compared to reality.
Devil’s Night.
The first time she heard those words, thought it was just another excuse for parties and excess, but here, in Detroit, it’s different. People speak of this night as if it were a tradition, passed down from generation to generation, almost like a silent pact that no one dares to question.
Yes, it’s Halloween Eve, but it carries a taste of danger that goes beyond costumes and carved pumpkins. It’s not about trick-or-treating; it’s more like… a rite of passage, where each person lets their dark side surface, testing their own limits and those of others. And the entire city, somehow, agrees to turn a blind eye to what happens in the shadows.
In the alleys and empty hallways, you can feel something waiting, hidden between the walls and beneath the fog that stubbornly refuses to lift. The seniors, of course, love it. They create challenges, make absurd promises to the freshmen, as if they’re initiating them into some ancient secret. But it’s not a secret; it’s more like a warning.
I don’t know exactly who started it—maybe some group many years ago, looking for a way to release their frustrations, or perhaps the city already came with this curse built in. But, either way, everyone participates, whether in the role of the observers or those who get lost in the night.
You were about to leave home, dressed up for another Devil’s Night in Detroit. Your friends had invited you over to drink a little before heading to the Lions' party, the fraternity responsible for the highest concentration of players that night. At first, you were ready to turn down the invitation, wanting to go straight to the celebration and get it over with once and for all, but seeing the flyer advertising the Geordin’s pub attraction made you change your mind.
Bad Omens was the main act in an intimate show, and you felt a bit excited to know they were back in town. It had been a while since you last saw them—if you weren’t mistaken, on the last Devil’s Night.
"Don’t tell me you’re not even a little excited to see him again…" Ash nudged your ribs with a playful voice, snapping you out of your thoughts.
"They’ve grown so much since the last time I saw them, Ash. They definitely have no idea who I am."
"And what if I told you that’s not exactly true?" Ashley’s glittering eyes blinked behind her long lashes as if she had some valuable information. She rested her hands and phone under her chin while watching you finish getting ready in the mirror. "I messaged Steve; we chat sometimes, and when he told me he’d be in town, I didn’t fail to mention your name…"
"I can’t believe you did that!"
"I scored us four VIPs tonight thanks to my shamelessness. No need to thank me, babe!" Ash winked and blew a kiss at her own shoulder, ignoring when you rolled your eyes at her boldness.
You didn’t want to admit it, but a strange sensation was building up in your stomach, making you feel cold with every step you took out the door. According to your friends, you looked good enough to draw a crowd to your feet, and deep down, you hoped they were right.
Geordin’s was, as always, sweltering, packed, and filled with people dressed up in Halloween costumes. You were just in a short black dress and heavy makeup—this date was special, a night for vixens to leave their homes in their smallest outfits, best heels, and bold eyes to be, for one night, what they longed to be all year.
At the bar, you grabbed a drink and walked with your friends to the VIP area near the stage. With each minute closer to the performance, your stomach grew colder, while your friends chatted excitedly beside you, never quieting for a moment. It had been a long time since you last saw him, and you tried your best not to expect him to remember any fragment of the past Devil’s Night.
“Welcome to the show of bad omens, my friends,” said the recorded voice from the speakers, making the crowd go wild.
The lights went out, and your body froze in place as the intro to the first song began. His voice was still unmistakable and unique, pleasing to the ear, even live, weaving together with the guitar and drum solos as if they were one.
When you turned to the stage, Noah was gripping the microphone with his eyes closed, and you allowed yourself to take in the melody, singing along with all your heart as you remembered why this was your favorite band. At the end of the third song, he glanced over the crowd as if looking for something, seeming about to give up, until his eyes finally landed on you.
A jolt of electricity surged from your legs, coursing through your entire body. Noah gave a brief smile and bowed his head, waiting for the next song’s intro. You knew the setlist, and this wasn’t one of the songs played at previous shows. In fact, you recognized it instantly; it was your favorite track.
Careful What You Wish For hadn’t been played in recent shows, but he knew how much that song meant to you, and he’d included it in Detroit just to show that he did, indeed, remember you. Something damp threatened to pool in your tear ducts; this song reminded you of moments you’d rather forget, moments the band had made more bearable to face.
As the final song ended, the lights went out, and the guys left the stage to the applause of the crowd. Your heart was still racing from the mix of emotions caused not only by the show, but by the series of subtle glances he had thrown your way during the pauses between songs. You bit your lip gently, gripping your glass a bit tighter, wondering if it could be a sign.
But you quickly brushed off that foolish thought and shook your head, dismissing it.
You and your friends finally arrived at the fraternity party, and all of you, including yourself, were buzzing with excitement to start the real celebration. Everyone was in costume, music was blasting, the smell of marijuana filled the air, and alcohol was flowing freely.
It seemed like the perfect night.
“I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much,” Ash warned, pointing at your glass as you sipped the colorful drink through a straw. “The games start in a few minutes, and you won’t want to be throwing up during the hunt.”
You laughed, remembering what happened last year when you mixed a few drinks with cheesy snacks, resulting in a puddle of vomit that took you home before you even considered playing the traditional hunt.
Every year on Devil’s Night, the Lions held a hunt in the Shadow Woods. The game involved all the guests being released into the forest, blindly searching to capture as many targets as they could until they reached the other side. With no flashlights or any source of light, identifying anyone became nearly impossible as everyone wore masks to hide their faces.
A certain chill lingered in your stomach, and a tremor in your legs threatened to shake your confidence, but you preferred to think it was because of the drink, not the fear of who your potential hunter might be. Your mind raced through quick strategies to avoid being caught, though not knowing the Shadow Woods at night made it all the more difficult.
With your feet firm on the earthy ground, you were as ready as the other competitors. You looked around, feeling adrenaline pulse through your veins, filling your brain like a song made to build tension until reaching its peak. You felt ready for whatever the night had to offer.
The whistle blew.
Your legs pushed you forward, running as fast as you could, straining your vision to dodge trees and jump over branches. You listened closely to the sound of dry leaves and twigs that snapped underfoot as the predators ran. All of them were desperate, hungry in their hunt for prey. At the same time, it felt frightening; it was exhilarating enough to make you push for more speed.
Energized, you glanced over your shoulder now and then, trying to detect any approaching threat, but as you pressed on, you heard fewer footsteps. Breathless, you slowed down and marked the trees with your fingers as you continued to walk carefully.
Your steps froze in place when you suddenly heard heavy breathing. The footsteps behind you moved over the dry leaves, signaling that your hunter was approaching stealthily, like a snake. Slowly, you realized your feet didn’t obey the commands in your head—they wanted to keep running, but your body remained there, unmoving.
He knew there was no point in running. He knew you were lost. He knew you didn’t want to go anywhere.
“Good girl.” His voice whispered close to your ear, making you jump in shock. “You didn’t let anyone else catch you. You waited for us like a good girl.”
“She knew that no matter where she hid tonight, we’d find her.”
“We always find you…”
Through your peripheral vision, you counted all four of them, gathered in balaclavas, closing off any way out. Swallowing dryly, you felt your breathing falter as they each took a step closer, forming a claustrophobic barrier around you.
“Now you’re ours.” Noah’s voice echoed in your ear as you felt the fabric of his balaclava graze your cheek. “Once you lose the game, you become our prize.”
A brief jolt made you sit upright when you felt something wrapping around your wrists; he was tying your hands together with a rope. The remaining length of material was used to fasten another knot around your neck, this time slightly tighter.
In your mind, there was no room for doubt, because you remembered the main rule of Devil’s Night. You were free to make your desires real for one night.
Why not surrender to them?
Slowly, Noah pulled you along the length of the leash, and stumbling a little in your own steps, you followed him. He exuded a scent of sweat mixed with Savage cologne; his arms were exposed by the black tank top, and he wore cargo pants and boots. Each determined step he took made you tense up, fearing what was to come, and the walls in the form of men surrounding you added to your apprehension.
Your steps halted when the tall man pulling your collar from the front froze in place. The forest offered little light, and thanks to the moonlight filtering through the gaps in the trees, you could see the intricate tattoo designs on his back, partly covered by his tank top.
A breath, subtle but present, brushed your ears with warm breath from behind.
"How about a game?" Folio’s voice was so soft it seemed to dance at a unique frequency. "We’ll ask a question, and for each wrong answer, you lose a piece of clothing."
"A game is only interesting to me if both parties are involved. In that case, what do I get if I’m right?" You dared to respond, challenging him with a side glance.
"Don’t act as if you don’t like the idea of not being in control for a few hours…" Folio taunted, stepping closer with a deadly step. His body was too close this time. "All you desire is for the reins to be in someone else's hands, just for one night, someone who knows your dirty mind well enough so you don’t have to spell out what you need. Am I wrong?"
You weren’t afraid of anything and made a point to shake your head in defiance.
"Wrong answer."
"Not at all!" you contested without much conviction. Deep down, defying him and contradicting yourself with feigned reluctance was part of your game.
The cold wind touched your back just as one of their fingers slid the zipper of your dress down, exposing your bare skin. Slowly, you felt the fabric glide down your body, leaving a trail of goosebumps wherever it passed.
You shrank a little, feeling a hint of discomfort when you noticed several pairs of eyes observing your exposed form, but a tug on the leash immediately made you lift your chin.
"Don’t you dare lower your head, darling" another voice murmured as a finger traced along your chin, the wetness of a tongue brushing against the skin of your ear. "Not when you have a body like this. We can savor you without even touching. Consider yourself a goddess, displayed for adoration and worship."
Gently, he slid his hand from your chin to reach your cold-stiffened nipples, slow circular movements warming your thighs as Jolly’s voice stimulated you, his hands exploring your body without any rush.
They wanted you to surrender.
Indeed, you were already theirs.
For just one night, you belonged to them.
In front of you, Noah watched you with a tilted head, as if watching an intimate moment of pleasure was amusing to him. He wrapped the excess of the leash around his hands until it tightened, lifting your neck up toward him.
In one last visceral glance, Noah pressed his lips against yours.
A fierce kiss, charged with desire pent up since the last visit, filling every corner of your mouth, leaving you wanting for absolutely nothing. Between breaths, you let out a contained, low moan as those hands moved from your chest down to your hips.
His fingers, when they found your entrance, sent a current of electricity through the rest of your body. Jolly was warm and soft as a rose petal, he tortured you with the slowness of his synchronized movements on your clitoris and during the kiss you held Noah's lips between your teeth gasping a heavy moan.
Noah smiled, feeling how his body twitched in his friend's hands, he released his lips and dragged them down his face, allowing his moan to reverberate through his ears more clearly.
Just when you were about to give signs that you were going to collapse under Jolly's fingers they suddenly stopped. You panted and wanted to show that you were disappointed, but you didn't have time, Noah pulled you by the collar and turned you so that you were facing away from him. A quick scream escaped your lips at the surprise of the impact of your hips against his, you felt his bulge harden and let out some air through your nose.
A soft hand ran its thumb over her face, a caress similar to the one she felt on her ass as Noah explored her. At the same time they used their thumbs, Noah lifted your dress until you were completely exposed to prepare you, he dipped his fingers in your wetness and seemed to delight in it. Their eyes were fixed on the man before them, gently brushing strands of hair away from his face and lifting his chin.
“Good girl, good girl.” he whispered, sliding his thumb into your mouth, without breaking eye contact, you sucked his finger slowly until you reached the tip.
You watched as Folio grunted and finished sliding his cock into his free hand and bringing it closer to your face, passing it across your lips slowly. You moaned from containing the desire to take him in at once, and from having Noah playing with his head at your entrance in rotating movements. Little by little you relaxed and used your tongue to greet him and a smile formed on your lips when you saw him sigh once again.
Folio grabbed your hair with a little force and demonstrating that the provocation had made him lose his mind, he shoved his dick into your mouth at the same time as Noah entered you. Your screams were silenced by Folio's cock, you used your tongue to drool all over the compliment and without the help of your hands that were trapped you covered his head with the roof of your mouth. As you sucked him, you felt Noah bump his hips against yours in strong thrusts, pulling the collar from your neck each time he penetrated and stopped with his rigid member inside you.
Your legs shook from the force he used, you pressed him against the walls of your pussy and heard him mutter yet another curse due to the lack of space. Her head didn't stop for a single second, going down and up, sucking Folio's cock while he helped her with his hand in her hair.
With each of Noah's thrusts, you felt Folio's cock tear into your throat and you dedicated yourself to not leaving a single space without the contact of your tongue. He pressed your head down more and you enjoyed the taste of the skin trying to contain the entire volume. Noah grew harder and harder inside you and in an explosion of sensations for a few seconds your legs seemed to float.
This was the effect of the devil’s night.
It allowed you to fulfill even your darkest fantasy.
For one night.
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madd-draws · 1 year ago
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POV: you got Wander's order wrong and gave him a double pickle cream pie (he insists it's not that big of a deal)
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#selfie bee#good evening friends!! how are you doing! C:#I'm very very sleepy I got a new ikea office chair and I build it all myself#I think it went okay! I don't think I pulled the back screw tight enough and now the back is a bit loose#I can probably fix it but I can also ignore it for the next 18 years#thats how long the old chair held up!! in germany it could now drink vodka and drive a car!!#not at the same time that is illegal! not at the same time!! (❁´▽`❁)*✲゚*#but the day is not over yet my uncle asked me for a big art quest and I do not want to disappoint#he wants a muppet tattoo and asked me to draw it#my uncle has started to get tattoos a few months ago#as far as I know he has now gotten 3 note clefs 3 stars a flower and multiple birds#he also started getting piercings but so far I managed not to know exactly where#I think tattoos are super cool (´。・v・。`) I wish I had a good idea for a tattoo but the last time I was very sure about getting a tattoo#it was heath ledgers face as the joker#at that point I was 12 and would not see the actual movie for two more years#a muppet tattoo is a way better idea!! he asked for the count van count! that is also one of my top 3 muppets ₍՞◌′ᵕ‵ू◌₎♡#I always thought I knew a lot about muppet lore but since I started looking up muppet pictures I think there are still a lot of secrets#can the muppets from the Sesame Street actually leave the Sesame Street?#I think Kermit is both on the Muppet Show and on Sesame Street but he is also like the boss muppet#he might have special abilities#I hope you're having a good day friends!! C:#I think I'll post a Sherlock comic later this week#miss you!! ♥♥♥
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xxplastic-cubexx · 19 days ago
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the way u tuck charles hair behind his ear like a dainty elf princess whenever u draw him sends me every time, i know erik would agree 🙏🏻
i fear im adopting 'dainty elf princess' into my vocabulary here on out thank you for this wonderful gift anon
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might you accept my small gift in turn ... i was inspired ...
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territorial-utopia · 4 months ago
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Huzzah! It's birthday time! I'm slowly accumulating more and more things I like (latest additions this vest I made and a travel typewriter! Still need to fix the latter one though)
Sure has been a year.
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poorly-drawn-mdzs · 8 months ago
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King the silly guys, Lupin III!
(for @dying-suffering-french-stalkers)
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runefactorynonsense · 20 days ago
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Melotober - Day 21 -Night Sky
Sometimes you just need to stop, and breathe
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Happy Halloween, everyone!! Regaurdless of how you and your F/Os decide to spend it, I hope it's a good one 🎃 There are so many different ways to enjoy this holiday, so have fun yall😊🎃👻
I have some writing that I've been planning to get out that I hope I can put out some time today! Just some nice little Halloween stories hehe. But because I am probably going to be spending most of the day writing/editing that writing(I don't know how long I'm going to make it, probably not TOO long but I can't promise myself that I won't get carried away) so I do need everyone to picture me and Finn in vampire costumes and that we are kissing or something.
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dutybcrne · 4 months ago
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When Diluc gives his heart to someone and genuinely enters a relationship with them, that's it–that's it for him. There will never be any other that could hope to replace them, whether they leave him or they pass on.
#hc; diluc#//He might have his fair share of little crushes here & there; rarer still a one night stand or two (hasn't rlly done that since Snezhnaya)#//But once he's actually in a proper relationship with someone; and he ONLY will do so after a certain level of trust/bond has been forged#//Bc once that is settled...he's truly ALL theirs. His heart settles on them; no wavering nor hesitation#//Forever; until he would draw his final breath#//Doesnt matter if their breakup was the messiest fucken shit or amicable; if they died in the most heartrending way or at peace in his arm#//He will love & adore them even still; no matter what sorts of emotional turmoil the feelings put him through/he tries to hide them behind#///They will HAUNT him; unless he may have them again or he meets an untimely demise and joins them#//There are some cases where he will try to pursue them again; but those are very few and far in between#//Anywho; guess who watched H.B aGAIN#//And the fact that some owls are monogamous for life is a big inspo too nkjgnygkj#//Bro reads abt his family's special birds and was like BET#//I CAN DO THAT TOO#//Nah; I'm kidding#//He just takes love VERY seriously. Extremely so. He saw his father pining for his mother to the end of his days#//And thought to himself THAT is how much love I want to have for someone. THAT is the level of loyalty and affection I ought to hold#//It would take an extremely special case for him to waver on this fact; for him to be able to move on from that previous person#//It's exactly WHY it takes so much trust and rapport between them for him to decide to let himself fully fall for someone#//Bc he knows he will NOT get over them so easily; they hold his heart so precariously in their hands#//He would never truly move to retaliate on them if they broke his heart though. Bc even hurt; he would NEVER want to hurt them in turn#//But yeah; bro would take it SO hard. Esp if he sees them move on too quickly for his taste#//Would carry on his day by day; but BOY would he be aching inside. BOY would his eyes ligner and follow where they'd go#//BOY OH BOY would their name grace his lips;like a silent prayer for their wellbeing; a helpless wish for them to have never left his side#//Bro would PI N E; and pin HARD. Harder than he did BEFORE they got together#//Worst part is he wouldn't be as cautious in letting them back in as he ought to be. He might act guarded; but those are Cardboard defense#//He may be sterner and more stoic than everyone who knew him growing up saw him as; but he is still the softhearted loving boy he was then
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stardestroyer81 · 1 year ago
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On this very day four years ago, beloved baby boy Casey Treverton was drawn for the very first time, inevitably giving way to me starting to conceptualize for Override.
Which means today is somebody's very special day! 💙✨⭐
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cimicherrychanga · 1 year ago
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btw u guys have to promise to not be mad at me for becoming ur turtle mutual. please
#shut up dave#IM LIKE. NOT NORMAL ABOUT THEM. AND THIS MEANS A LOT TO ME#i nEED a special interest to consume my every waking thought in order to thrive#and after i grew out of homestuck its like i lost my spark its EXCRUCIATING.#what do you MEAN i cant draw 3 comics and 2 full piecesn write 50 page essay in one day every day if im not insane abt some piece of fictio#outrageous!!!!!#and as much as i wish i could. i cant Choose or induce this thats not how it weorks we all know this#i TRIED to make miraculous my next big thing after hs it did not work!!! im still insane abt it! but its the#watching trrailers frame by frame making longass analyses and tracking down the exact car in one scene type of insane.#sure ive made art n comics its still one of the things i was and am more invested in than about 60-something of my other media interests#but GOD then rottmnt hit me full speed. i am FEELING this one. i made art AND the characters i was scared would be impossible to draw#turned out to be. so easy? like i did a great splinter first try and thats HUGE for me usually my first attempts suck#until i develop a personal touch for their design#the style of the show is just sososo good for me. theyre my best friends now. and i INTEND to make that clear to EVERYONE#bc im still feelin lonely!!! despite everything!! and i dont want to!!!!!!!!! and im making it everyone elses problem!!!!#anyways like as i said. ur not allowed to be mad at me. please please. ive always been annoying this is just a new arc#and u have to put up wirh it. or ill cry. thanks.
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yo9urt · 10 months ago
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bald gate.
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this-should-do · 1 year ago
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ugh
#genuinely think if i dont get therapy and medical transition soon i might actually kill myself#life is too fucking much and i cant take this shit anymore#its unfair that i got unlucky in the genetic draw and got sruck with the stupidest most feminine body in the world#and that being fat when i live the exact same lifestyle as thin people makes kt easier to tell that im born female#and that even if i do all the working out in the world its not gonan fucking chnage the way my body looks and manages its distribution#and that i have the face and mouth of every single fat comedy side character or fat villain#and that ive lived my whole life hearing about how pretty and wonderful i look and how i look like my grandmother#and that im short and have almost all my weight below my torso so i look like the worlds largest pear#and that i have a naturally soft demeanor that offsets every ounce of effort i pht into my looks to be more masc#and that i dont want to dress in baggy or sporty clothes and i dont have the budget to purchase those things even if i got desperate#or that i get overheated too easily to use layers and that i cant mentally handle being overheated#and its not fair that i cant for the life of me get my voice to cknsistantly be lower so i sound more maaculine#its not fucking fair#i cant fucking do this anymore#but im so fucking stuck reliant on ym fucking parents for mo ey that ill never get the help i need#and working as a teacher will never result in the money itll take to get the help i need#and it feels like even if i could get transition when i get a job itll be too risky with clowns like desantis#SPECIALLY as a teacher#i cant fucking look into a fucking mirror without wanting to cry and take a knife to every slab of meat that i ditn want on my body#and every day that im home im sruck hiding in my room so that i dont risk running inti my moyher and making her angry by existing#and having to affirm to her that im her little girl and be called by a name that isnt mine and pronouns that make me want to stab my ears#and be told by her that i just think im trans becuz im traumatized and dont want peole to think im attractive so they wont try to get close#to me becuz they wont know what i am when i dont even want to have sex and she says im just making that up to#my mental health is in shambles and has been for fucking months and its only getting worse#i want out#i want out so fucking bad#im tired of being jealous of my own fucking shadow becuz it looks like more of a man to me
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