#I want better coping skills but I also feel like I can’t control the cycle!!!!!

[maimframe]

boy I sure do feel out of control and like my life is not my own! I wonder if staying up til 2am indulging impulse will fix it!

[whump-town]

In With The New, Out With The Old

Hotch packing Jack up for college

None of it feels real.

For two years after he and Haley divorced he lived in an apartment of boxes. It was some sort of punishment he created for himself while also creating a dissonance he could be lost in -- that he didn’t need to unpack just in case. He had his suits in the closet, his work would not take the fall for his personal life’s failings. The coffee maker sat on the counter, one of the only appliances hooked into a light socket. The necessities followed -- two mugs for coffee, a glass tumbler for the whiskey sitting on the counter, and one plate for when he ordered take-out he couldn’t just eat out of the box.

It had taken him months to buy a mattress, he was perfectly miserable sleeping on the couch. He had only taken Jack to the apartment once, needing to switch into more park-appropriate clothing. Between them, he and Haley agreed that the best thing for Jack was consistency so he would spend all day with Hotch but he would always go home to Haley. He knew this could be used against him in court, Haley could take Jack from his so easily it terrified him but he also knew he’d let her. He was more powerful, he had more strings to pull and more people on his side but the thought of getting on the stand and having his friends call her a bad mother made him feel even worse. So he knew that if it came down to it, he would let Haley have Jack rather put either of them that sort of grueling case.

This was a shared thought between them. Both are aware of the other’s power over the other. Neither will act on their own.

He had only bought a mattress because of New York. Limping home he’d sunk down into his old faithful couch only to wake up the next morning with achingly stiff sutures in his leg and his face stuck to a throw pillow, the blood drying like glue. He had to call Emily and Derek that afternoon. Unable to drive himself with his concussion and consequential blurred vision Emily had come over to pick him up, never said a word about what he’d been sleeping on in the months before. Neither did Derek when Hotch got too dizzy coming up the stairs, the stitches in his leg bleeding through his jeans and so pale Emily had to hold him upright to get him to the bench in the lobby. He was left there, listening to Derek and Emily bicker their way into forcing the mattress into the apartment through the pounding sound of blood rushing in his ears.

That was years ago and yet they’ve created its mirror image once again in his living room.

All of Jack’s belongings in boxes spread out in every room of the house. Packing up to leave.

“Art?” Emily mumbles disapprovingly. She’s knelt down in front of Jack’s bookshelf, dismantling the organized shelves to pack them into boxes. It’s a different method than the one that Hotch uses. Jack has them categorized by author and general theme and as Emily takes down all the books she’s gotten him about cults and psychology and crime she can’t help but feel a little cheated. Jack knows all about crime. He’s had Macdonald’s Triad memorized since he was five -- could give that method of thought its critical analysis as not a precursor to antisocial or serial killer behavior but more as a demonstration of a child’s poor coping skills or as the indicator of a dysfunctional home environment. He’s a well of information about cults, knows the “B.I.T.E.” system.

And he’s throwing all that away because Hotch took him to too many museums as a child?

Jack doesn’t say anything when he hears her grumble about art again, he’s had this conversation so many times. He knows she’s not really mad and she’s not even that irked but she needs to do something with the feelings she has about him leaving and this is just the best way she’s come up with. Better than crying -- which she’s also done far too much of.

“I think art is a great idea, kid.” Derek teases his hair as he passes, sweaty and hot from dragging Jack’s belongings around the place.

Hotch works slowly where he’s been assigned. They all work around him. He’s more freelance than the others. His job is to do what he can and leave the rest for someone else. Today his physical capabilities are not in the way. Derek does all the heavy lifting that Hotch knows is supposed to be assigned to him, it’s his duty as the father of the freshman moving away. He finds himself in the living room, one of Haley’s old photo albums on his lap. Thumbing pictures he can remember going with Haley to print. Pictures he can remember being in. Ones that he took.

He’s crying again.

Emily comes out with a box of books on her hip, having figured out the perfect ratio of books to box to prevent them from falling out the bottom. She sees Hotch wiping his face with a tissue, hiding away but unable to fully pull away right now. The hurt raw. The fear is too much.

The second that Hotch got the chance he left home and never came back. Over the years he returned to his hometown only when he had to -- when Haley’s parents couldn’t be convinced to come to see them. It didn’t matter how down bad he was, Hotch did it on his own. When his mother died when he was thirty he’d talked to her only once since moving out. Then it had only been for the benefit of Sean, who he had driven all the back to Virginia to collect and drove to college.

He fears Jack will do the same and it terrifies him in so many ways.

His own death will come quickly, he knows he’s only made it this long because he’s not alone. Without Jack, there’s no reason to keep going on, not with the way his body aches from years of abuse and neglect. More than that, he knows what growing up that fast did to him. As a child, the things that happen to you are out of your control. Children are sponges, not yet able to take control and mold themselves. So their reactions to abuse and neglect and even just trivial everyday things are but a reaction they are taught to form or never corrected on. But Hotch never corrected his behaviors as a young adult. He couldn’t bring himself to trust anyone, not at twenty, or thirty, and still at forty.

He spent his twentieth birthday on the side of the highway in a broken down car freezing his ass off with negative twenty-three cents in his bank account. No one to call because he couldn’t bring himself to believe anyone would come -- but Haley would have, or Jessica, or the sociology professor who gave him his number for emergencies or “just anything you can think of, just in case you need me”.

He doesn’t wish anything like that on Jack.

The cycle of self-destruction and fear and loathing.

But Jack knows how to form healthy relationships with people. He’s more worried about Hotch.

The car ride is nearly silent.

Jack cranks his window down and lays his head on the seal, lets the wind blow his hair back from his skin, and closes his eyes. There’s no air conditioning but it’s not that bad. The air has cooled off, the thunderstorms taking over the area sucking the humidity from the air as the wind picks up. It’ll get bad again in a day or so but today is nice and Jack wants to enjoy it. To sit contently with his dad and just try to soak it in before he’s thrown into the world of college.

Emily had promised him several times she’d make sure that Hotch didn’t turn himself into a hermit. Jack has grown up watching those two spar off so he knows she’s perfectly capable of getting Hotch out of the house. More than that, Jack knows he’s just going to miss his dad.

“Please--” Jack’s in the middle of trying to reorganize his stuff when he sees Hotch come in with one of the big boxes, one of the heavy ones. “Dad!” Jack takes it from him, not listening to Hotch’s complaint about being able to carry a few boxes. That he won’t break that easily. “Please, just leave the heavy stuff to Emily and Derek. Help me put my clothes away? Please?”

He nearly cries again folding Jack’s t-shirts away. Once upon a time, Jack’s shirts were about the size of his hand. Tiny delicate little things about the size of rags. Now he’s wearing the same size as Hotch, a grown man standing there racing to beat Emily to the heavy stuff because he doesn’t want her lifting it all either.

“Well,” Derek announces, setting the minifridge down, “that’s the last of it.”

Emily offers Hotch her hand and he takes it, grunting as he moves his body back upright.

“Well,” he declares, looking around the room. “We’ll leave you to it. Let you get everything sorted out how you like.” Hotch smiles and Emily and Derek step in to take their hugs, imparting half-wise ideas and a no-questions-asked ride home from anywhere.

“I love you,” Hotch says, he’s quick because he knows he can’t keep his composure if he stays here for too much longer. “I’ll send you care packages, you’ll just have to text me if you think of something I don’t send.”

Jack nods, pretending to make himself busy putting away the rest of his clothes. Trying to downplay his own feelings.

“Ok.”

Hotch nods and they leave, he doesn’t want to make a scene. They’ve hugged and Jack needs to unpack. He’s done. He’s only two doors away when he hears Jack’s door gets thrown open.

“Dad!” Hotch turns and stumbles, an armful of the little boy who was once the size of his forearm. He squeezes Jack tight, laughing through his tears when Jack holds on. “I love you too.”

Hotch holds him for a solid minute, just balanced there with his hand on the back of Jack’s head. “Alright,” he whispers. He sniffles a little, smiling as he cups Jack’s cheek wiping away a tear with his thumb. “I’m just a phone call away, okay? Any time of the night, you know where I am. You’ll be fine. You’re going to make mistakes and you’re going to fail tests and cry over boys and drink too much but you’ll be okay. And-- And if you’re not…”

Jack nods, smiling as he says, “I’ll call Emily.”

Hotch smirks, “well.. After a certain hour, yeah I suppose you’ll have to but yeah. Just call, okay?”

“I’ll call.”

Hotch nods and he has to force himself to let go and walk away. To let Jack do this.

They’re halfway down the hall, far enough away now that Jack won’t see or hear when Hotch starts to cry. He forces himself to keep going. Not to look back. Emily takes his hand, squeezes his fingers and he looks over at her tears in his eyes, and tries to smile.

Emily drives his truck home, she plans on feeding him chocolate and ice cream, and wine this afternoon to improve his mood. He gets a text and he smirks, he actually laughs.

“Let me know when you get home, old man. Tell Emily not to keep you out too late.”

[free--therapy]

Dealing with Change on a Personal Level

"Change is hard because people overestimate the value of what they have—and underestimate the value of what they may gain by giving that up."

– James Belasco and Ralph Stayer

Change is a scary thing for all of us. We get used to things being one way and have a hard time readjusting to things when they change for us unexpectedly. Unfortunately however, change is inevitable and unavoidable in life and it's up to us to adapt to the changes we have to endure. Change is one of those uncontrollable things that we wish wouldn't have to happen, but it's a lot easier to control how we react to the changes in our life, rather than trying to control the changes from happening themselves. 

When it comes to being able to control ourselves though, it will likely include having to make personal changes that we may not like or feel comfortable with, but will likely have more of a positive impact in the long run than stressing ourselves over something we have no control over. Short-term pain for long-term gain. But how do we go about making these personal changes?

Stages of Change

Pre-Contemplation

While in this stage, we are usually not thinking seriously about trying to change anything and are not interested in having anyone help us out either. We tend to defend our current habits, even if we know they’re not good for us because it doesn’t really feel like a problem...yet. We can get defensive whenever someone tries to suggest we need to change, even if they’re being kind and loving towards us (it’s hard to tell someone we love that they need to change something about themselves!) We don’t focus our attention on quitting these habits and end up not even wanting to tell anyone about them because we know people will likely judge or criticize us and tell us we need to change. Usually in this stage, we are in denial of our problems or think we have the ability to fix them whenever we want to. Do you think you might be currently in this stage? Likely not if we are interested in understanding how change works, we’re looking to seek help, and are starting to wonder how we can implement the changes we know we need in our lives towards habits, problems, or behaviors we have that we know needs fixing. However, perhaps we were all at this stage at one point in our lives.

Contemplation

This is the stage where we are aware that we have problems that need fixing, and that there are personal consequences for them. We know we have a problem, we may spend a lot of time working towards acknowledging and accepting that we need help and need fixing, but we’re struggling with ambivalence towards making that leap. We tend to weigh out the pros and cons of starting to make a change by either quitting these habits or changing our behavior. Even though we weigh out the negatives of staying the way that we are and the positives of changing to become something better, we experience a lot of doubt that there’ll be any positive outcomes in the long run because we have to deal with some short-term pains or losses. It becomes hard to see how going through short-term pain could possibly lead to long-term gain and a lot of us believe and try to convince ourselves that we can’t see ourselves getting better or not believing that we can overcome the battle ahead of us. We fear failure before even trying.

It may take anywhere between a few weeks to a lifetime to get out of this phase though. It’s all about taking that leap of faith towards recovery and doing everything we can to make sure we make it out on the other side. Thankfully though, we are usually more open to learning more information about our bad habits and prefer to use educational interventions and self-reflection on how we feel concerning our bad habits, and eventually we make the leap! The idea is to hype ourselves up enough to take the plunge towards recovery (trust me, it’s so worth it!)

Preparation

This is also known as the Determination stage, and this is where we start making a commitment to change. Our motivation for changing can sound like telling ourselves, “Something’s gotta change!”, “I’ve got to do something about this.”, “This is serious, what can I do?” This stage becomes a “research” stage where we are now starting to explore all the small steps we can take towards helping ourselves and our problems. This is when we either seek help be it from other people, online research, find a mental health professional, read self-help books, go onto online forums, support groups, watch videos, and so on so we can hear from others as to how they embarked on their journey towards changing their lives. 

This is a phase that shouldn’t be skipped however, but a lot of people tend to. Without getting the user manual and the tools needed, how will we know how to put something together? Education is important so we may gain the knowledge to make the change that we want for ourselves instead of falling flat on our face. When we attempt to do something without having all the tools at hand, we usually end up giving up on ever wanting to try again because we failed to realized we were not well-equipped to do so in the first place. The journey to healing and recovery is a long and rewarding one, requires a lot of self-patience, -love, and -compassion, but we have to make sure we’re fully aware of the commitment we have to make in order to commence.

Action

Also known as the Willpower stage, this is the stage where we believe we have the ability to change our behavior and are now taking the right steps to begin that change with a variety of techniques and skills we have learned from our preparation stage. This is considered to be the shortest stage of them all since the amount of time we spend in this stage can vary. It can be anywhere from 6 months, 1 hour, 2 weeks, etc. It’s a stage where we are expected to rely on our willpower. We end up making overt efforts to quit or change our behaviors and habits, and this is when we are most susceptible for relapsing.

We will have to mentally review our commitment to ourselves and try to develop plans to deal with internal and external pressures or temptations that can lead us down a slippery slope. We’ll use things like short-term rewards to help maintain motivation, we may analyze our behavior change efforts to enhance our self-confidence, and so forth. This is also where we are most open to receive help and support from others who are going through a similar thing, which is vital to our recovery journey. It helps to know we’re not the only ones going through what we’re going through and to seek out other people that have a lot of invaluable advice to offer to keep us motivated as well.

Maintenance

This stage is definitely where the work needs to last for the longest amount of time as it involves being able to successfully avoid temptations and pressure to return to our bad habits or behaviors. The goal is to maintain the new circumstances we’ve worked so hard to implement in the first place. We will have to continuously remind ourselves of the progress we’ve made. We also have to find new ways to reformulate the rules of our lives by either acquiring new skills or learning more about our behavior and psychology to deal with temptations in order to avoid relapsing. We will get to a point where we’re able to anticipate the situations in which a relapse could happen and prepare healthy coping skills in advance to deal with them if we end up slipping.

We have to remain aware that what we strive for is worthwhile to us on a personal level and has meaning. We have to learn to be patient and kind to ourselves, and recognize that it will take a while to let go of old behaviors and habits. We will have to come to an understanding that we need to continuously practice our new skills until they become as habitual as our old and negative ones were. Even though we may have thoughts of wanting to return to the old way of doing things because they feel comfortable and familiar, we will have to resist doing so and stay on track.

As we progress through our stages of changing, it’s helpful to always re-evaluate our progress as we move through each stage. It’s important for us to remember that it’s normal and natural to regress. Healing and recovery are not linear and some days we’ll have moments where we feel like we’ve gone back in our progress, but it’s not out of the ordinary. We need to be forgiving towards ourselves, being our cheerleader. At the end of the day, it’s up to us to make the changes we want for ourselves.

Relapse

Although this is everyone’s fear when it comes to recovery and making changes, it is not uncommon for anyone to relapse on their journey. It is a lot more common to have at least 1 relapse than to have none while on the road to healing, so we should take solace in knowing this because no one is perfect. Relapse is often accompanied by feelings of shame and discouragement because we believe we are failures and will never get better. While it is definitely a discouraging thing to go through, it’s important to note that there is always a positive way to look at failure. The majority of people who have been on the journey to healing will even tell you that it is not a straight path. There is always something to be learned from our moments of failure and it’s up to us to change our mindsets to see where we went wrong in order to avoid making the same mistake again. These people cycle through the 5 stages several times before being able to achieve a stable lifestyle change and it should be encouraging to know this. The Stages of Change diagram above considers relapsing to be a normal part of recovery. It’s up to us at the end of the day to be determined to pick ourselves up again when we fall and get back on that horse.

There is definitely a real risk that people who end up relapsing will experience an immediate sense of failure that ends up undermining their self-confidence. Remember that relapsing doesn’t have to be seen as failure since those habits have been so engrained in our minds that we can easily end up back there. We have to make sure that we encourage ourselves as well as others to see where we went wrong, where we were experiencing that moment of weakness, and how we can use it as an opportunity to learn how to cope differently and in a healthier way, strengthening those weaknesses. Relapses are important opportunities to learn and become stronger. We have to make sure that we don’t end up back in the Pre-Contemplation or Contemplation stages when this does happen, but rather restart back at Preparation, Action, or even the Maintenance stage.

With those who have relapsed, they will need to learn how to anticipate any high-risk situation that could possibly enable them to relapse more effectively, and control any external cues or environments that will tempt them to re-engage in those behaviors they’re trying to recover from. Doing so will give us a stronger sense of self-control on top of having the ability to get back on track.

Transcendence

This is the goal of where we all want to be. Eventually we will end up reaching a point where we’ll be able to regulate our emotions and understand our behavior/psychology in a way to see it in a new light. This is when our bad habits or behaviors no longer are integral to our life, along with knowing that returning back to that lifestyle would be seen as weird or abnormal to us. When we reach this stage in our process of changing, we will know that we have now transcended the old habit/behavior and that we are becoming a new person that no longer needs our old unhealthy coping mechanisms, skills, or behaviors to sustain us anymore. We have become successful in making that change we set out to do in the first place and know that if we can accomplish it for one thing, we can accomplish it for just about anything!

[aimoosh-blog]

BERSERK: A MASTERSTROKE IN VIOLENCE

Berserk is a series that is both influential and overlooked. This might sound pretentious to fans of the gory medieval anime, but hear me out. Despite having a long-running manga which was originally released back in the ‘90's, after two anime series, a trilogy of movies and various video game adaptations, Berserk still remains somewhat niche and obscure.

The series is known for its gruesome imagery and I would strongly advise that if you've experienced abuse or are easily affected by violent and distressing material, that this series simply isn't for you. However, it's this cycle of violence that makes Berserk so compelling. 

Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery and the Soulsborne series doesn't shy away from this. Hidetaka Miyazaki has openly discussed how Berserk inspired games like Dark Souls and Bloodborne and you don't have to look far to find Berserk's influence spread throughout the Souls series.

But when you think of your favourite hefty sword-wielding himbo, I'm sure Guts isn't the first to spring to mind. Before we get into the debate of who wore it better, let's talk about Berserk's creator.

The most distinct and memorable aspect of Berserk is the apparent pleasure the series takes with relishing visceral imagery which is brought to life by Kentaro Miura. Berserk's first volume was released in 1990 when Miura was twenty-two years old. At this point in his life, Miura was already experienced within the industry after having written his first manga at the age of ten and eventually self-publishing in 1982.

With his experience and indisputable style, Miura's abhorrent rendition of the numerous satanic beasts and mythological creatures that populate the bloodthirsty world of Berserk, are both horrifying and captivating. The series manages to succeed in simultaneously being horrendously violent and strikingly beautiful. This parallel is prominent throughout the story and feeds the reader/viewer with a morbid curiosity.

The first and most obvious juxtaposition can be found in Guts' and Griffith's appearance. If you put Berserk in front of a newbie, they would most likely assume that the androgynous Griffith was the series’ main hero.

With his petite frame, feminine features, and charismatic charm, he certainly looks the part of a typical anime protagonist. Especially when set side by side with Guts who's hulking physique, stoic disposition, and hardened exterior is a stark contrast to the Hawk of Light. But scratch the surface and you'd find something entirely different.

Once you pull back the curtain and look beyond his angelic façade, you'd uncover Griffith's selfish, almost sociopathic personality which is accompanied with an unyielding ambition to stop at nothing until he achieves his dream. In contrast, Guts’ intimidating appearance and seemingly aloof attitude are a front concealing a lonely and tormented individual.

Shrouded by death, Guts was born from the corpse of his executed mother and eventually discovered by a group of mercenaries, who find the infant beneath a hanging tree covered in blood and entrails. The baby is presumed to be dead until he begins to cry, to which prostitute Shisu immediately rushes to comfort the child and is permitted to keep the newborn by leader Gambino. The baby is given the name Guts after the gory manner in which he was found. However, many members of the group are unsettled by Guts’ arrival and consider it a bad omen. 

Shisu had been deemed mad following her miscarriage and quickly became attached to Guts as a result. The pair seemed destined to meet but their happiness is tragically short-lived as three years later, Guts’ adoptive mother contracts the plague and dies while Guts watches over her. Unfortunately Shisu’s death only strengthens rumors about Guts’ reputation as a source of bad luck.

Guts promptly begins practicing swordsmanship and joins Gambino on the battlefield in an effort to gain approval. However, one night while Guts is sleeping in his tent, fellow sellsword Donovan, sneaks in and forces himself on the young boy. Guts later lures his abuser away and forces his sword down Donovan’s throat, killing him. No longer feeling safe, Guts begins to sleep clutching his sword.

Guts’ relationship with Gambino rapidly deteriorates following Shisu’s death. Gambino resents Guts for the subsequent loss of his leg and fixates on the misfortune that seems to have followed the boy. Gambino soon begins to verbally and physically abuse Guts, and consequently makes an attempt on Guts’ life. It’s in this moment that Gambino confesses that he had sold Guts to Donovan for the night. 

Horrified by this revelation, Guts is forced to kill his paternal figure in an act of self-defence and is hunted down by Gambino's men. After narrowly escaping with his life and defending himself against a pack of wolves, Guts eventually falls unconscious. The cycle begins again as he is discovered and enlisted by a separate mercenary group where he becomes a child soldier.

After surviving battlefield to battlefield, Guts eventually crosses paths with the Band of the Hawk. Impressed by his skills, leader Griffith, openly expresses that he is eager for Guts to join the Band of the Hawk. Guts agrees to this proposal but only if Griffith defeats him in a duel. Much to Guts’ disgust, he is defeated and begrudgingly joins the new group of mercenaries. But soon finds himself at home among his companions within the Band of the Hawk and is swiftly promoted to Captain of the Raiders.

It is clear that Guts is conflicted in the first arc of the story. After years of coping with isolation and abuse, he is torn between carving his own path or sticking with the Band of the Hawk. It's safe to say that whether you read the manga or watch the anime, the series doesn't sugar-coat the trauma Guts is forced to endure. But despite everything, Guts still carries on and it’s his mental fortitude that makes him such a sympathetic character.

But after forming strong friendships and concealing an unrequited love, it's Guts' decision to leave the Band of the Hawk and break free of Griffith's control that ultimately leads to The Band of the Hawk's downfall.

Amidst this complicated bromance you have Casca. A seasoned warrior who commands the respect of The Band of the Hawk and is Griffiths right hand – that is until Guts steals the spotlight. This setup may sound like a clichéd love triangle but Casca plays a crucial role in Berserk. Without her, Guts would've likely given up following the aftermath of the eclipse. She is the driving force in the story, feeding Guts' lust for revenge.

If you're considering checking out Berserk, I can highly recommend the manga as the best way to consume the series, as you are able to see Miura hone his craft over the years and create some truly remarkable panels. Another benefit is that with over 300 chapters, you'll have more than enough content to keep you occupied. But if that's not your style you have a few options to choose from.

The Golden Age Arc Film Trilogy concisely summaries the first narrative arc, if you want to get up to speed quickly. The larger budget in the subsequent movies allows for less 3D animation and more stunning hand-drawn sequences. However, if you have the time and patience for it, the 1997 adaptation spares no details and has an alluring nostalgic 90's aesthetic, if you can forgive it being a little rough around the edges.

Whichever version you decide to pick if you still can't get enough, I would advise saving the 2016 Berserk anime for last. Not only because it takes place after the first arc and follows the aftermath of the eclipse, but fans of the series have openly criticised this version's cheap animation style that fails to do justice to Miura’s concepts.

As previously mentioned, Berserk is unashamed in its cruelty and some might say the series renowned violence is needlessly excessive. Although this may seem off-putting, Berserk also has it's softer moments. It's in these more subdued scenes that you're drawn deeper into the fascinating narrative.

If asked how best to describe the series, I would say that it's the love child of Japanese horror artist, Junji Ito and fantasy author, George R. R. Martin. The medieval-fantasy setting allows for breath-taking architecture and scenery which often resembles Salvador Dali's surrealist paintings, but inhabited with monsters from Hieronymus Bosch's famous works such as The Harrowing of Hell. It's this contrast that makes Berserk so bewitching, in the thick of all the violence, gore, and carnage, you have a tragic story bursting with drama, rivalry, betrayal, lost love, and most importantly, revenge.

But if The Last of Us Part 2 taught us anything about seeking revenge, it is that it comes at a high price. However, the story remains largely unfinished with the current hiatus and recent chapter having been released as far back as 2019, it's uncertain when we'll see how this revenge story will play out. Nevertheless much like the A Song of Fire and Ice series, having no ending has its positives...

[somedayonbroadway]

aaa hii! i was wondering if you could do the hercules au, please? thank youuu 💕

Hello, friends! This is an AU based off of @racetrackhigg original Mood Boards that you can find right here!

Hercules AU

Characters

Spot Conlon — Hercules

Racetrack Higgins — Megara

Jack Kelly — Phil

William Snyder — Hades

Morris Delancey and Oscar Delancey — Pain and Panic

Also, DeMarius Copes is all of the Muses. He just is.

So…

We are basing this off of the Disney rendition of Hercules, for the most part, even though their telling of this tale is very much modified for younger viewers. I mean, who are they kidding? The Greek Gods aren’t the loving, family friendly types that Disney tried to trick us into thinking they were when we were children, but it’s fine. We’re gonna roll with this, maybe change a little bit of it. And it is going to take place in modern day (excluding quarantine, because in fantasy worlds, worldwide quarantines don’t exist) because, why the heck not?

Back when the world was new, the planet earth was down on its luck. Chaos reigned and earthquakes and volcanoes ran amok. But then along came Zeus.

Ya’ll know the song.

There’s a party on Olympus, one of great importance. A son has been born to Zeus and Hera. A son they’ve named Hercules. Every single God shows up to celebrate the child’s birth and congratulate the ruling couple of Olympus who is adored by all but one; Zeus’s brother Hades.

Despite typically never leaving his kingdom, Hades has made a special exception on this joyous occasion to meet his new nephew, a new golden boy who is showered in gold and glitter already, although only having been born the day before. Zeus had even fashioned the child his very own flying horse, which he calls a Pegasus. Everyone adores the child and Hades dismisses him, looking disgusted at his very existence.

See, Hades knew something that the other gods didn’t. Hades just so happens to be great friends with the fates. He had a meeting with them prior to this celebration he had never intended on going to. The sisters explained to him that the great plan he’d been wielding could be successful, that one day the planets would align, making way for his rule over Olympus and then Earth. There was only one problem.

Hercules.

That fateful day when those planets aligned would be eighteen years from that very night. Hercules’s eighteenth birthday. And on that day, should Hercules fight, Hercules would win.

Hades saw only one solution. If there was no Hercules, there was no fight.

On Olympus, Hades has all eyes on, giving his two right hand men the opportunity to hide on the great mountain and wait out until nightfall where they would steal the child and force him to drink a potion that would make him mortal.

That night, chaos erupts among the Gods and Zeus cries, sending a storm down onto Earth as Hades men carry out his plan, taking the baby down to the land below and forcing the potion down his throat, knowing that he must drink every last drop to become truly mortal so that they can kill him.

Unfortunately for them, a young couple comes running when they hear a baby cry. The two henchmen drop the potion before the child can finish it and shapeshift into snakes before going to bite the kid and kill him. Having not drunk the whole potion, however, Hercules held onto the strength he’d been born with and was able to protect himself from the two monsters, sending them slithering back to their master.

He then gets taken in by the couple who’d been praying for a baby that they were unable to have. They claim him as their own and name him Sean. Sean Conlon.

The occupants of Mt. Olympus are crushed at the news of their prince becoming mortal. Still, they carried on, watching as their Hercules was raised from afar in a city that never slept, one he grew up to adore. Brooklyn, New York.

Growing up for young Sean, however, was anything but easy. With a physical strength he couldn’t begin to understand or control, he seemed to make a mess anywhere he went. People were wary of him. Kids his own age didn’t like him and he so he didn’t like them. He closed himself off from the world and hid himself away, only entrusting his parents with the fear that he didn’t belong there, that he was too different. It was beginning to get to the point that people were truly frightened of him and his abilities.

Sean didn’t have any friends. He didn’t have a phone. He didn’t need one. He didn’t have anyone to talk to. Girls would sometimes get flustered when they saw him because of the muscles he seemed to get from nowhere, but the second they realized he was the freak he was, they ran the other way. Sean didn’t mind. He could never look at the girls the way the first looked at him.

Eventually, while accompanying his father downtown, he destroys an entire building. He doesn’t understand what’s wrong with him. So his parents finally came clean. They admit to him for the first time how they found him, how he was all alone and already had these abilities that they didn’t understand. He asks them why they never told him and they don’t have an answer. They can only offer him a small necklace that had been around his neck when they’d stumbled upon him, one written in Ancient Greek. One that Sean can read, having never read Greek in his life.

It says Hercules.

Running off, feeling scared and alone and so confused, Sean finds himself wandering into the woods where he is met by a man wearing a white suit with a golden tie. The man claims to be Zeus, his father.

Initially laughing at this, Sean tries to leave, but is pulled back by an invisible force as Zeus takes him in, studying his face for the first time in nearly eighteen years. He looks happy to see him and tells Sean what happened, how he had been stolen from his home and in order to return, needed to prove himself to the gods. Sean is still a bit skeptical until Zeus whistles for a horse to come out of the shadows.

It isn’t until Sean sees Pegasus that he thinks there might be some truth to this man’s story. All his life he’d been obsessed with what he’d thought was a mythical creature. He’d made drawings of it, studied their mythology, had even learned to ride horses when he was young.

Pegasus missed him.

While reuniting with his old friend, Zeus tells Sean of a man he needs to meet in order to ensure his return to Olympus, where he belongs. He described the man as the son of a demigod, one who trains heroes and teaches them how to hone their skills and use them for the greater good. So Sean takes Pegasus up into the air, going to seek out this man, Jack Kelly.

When he manages to find the man’s apartment with Zeus’s help, he lands Pegasus down on the roof and knocks on the man’s apartment door.

The man is less than willing to open it up for him.

Jack tells him to go away, obviously not much of a people person. But Sean persists, finally calling out that he needs help and that Jack was the only one who’d be able to do such a thing.

Recognizing this desperate plea, Jack reluctantly opens up the door, asking what Sean wanted. To Sean’s surprise, the man is very young, probably only five years older than himself. When Sean admits he needs someone to teach him how to be a hero, Jack tells him that he’s closed for business and would never reopen.

That’s when Sean begs him for help, claiming to be the son of Zeus. He explains that he never fit in on Earth and needs Jack’s help to make it to Olympus. Jack has the same reaction Sean had to the news. He laughs, not believing it. Not until he hears lightning crackle outside.

With no other choice than to believe him, Jack tells Sean that he’s not the first kid that had come knocking on his door. Jack explains, while painting a picture of a girl that lives in the apartment across from him that he’s fallen madly in love with despite never having spoken to her, that his father assigned him with the task of training new heroes and keeping them safe on their quests and adventures, something Jack loathed greatly as he wished to have his own life and go on adventures. However, after one hero in training had been reckless and stupid, a demigod, son of Ares, he’d died, making his father angry.

Jack had been cursed after that day. He can’t die. He can’t age. Most people would consider immortality a blessing, but Jack explains that it’s not a blessing when he’s been trapped in New York City, unable to leave as there were invisible barriers specially catered to keep him inside. He’d always dreamed of running away and seeing the world, and it was as though that dream was being dangled right in front of him, just out of his reach. He’d been stuck in an endless cycle of nothingness for years and he didn’t want it to get worse. But Sean makes Jack a deal. If he were to train him, he’d ask his father to lift Jack’s curse and allow him to continue aging and growing like normal while also being able to see the world.

So Jack agrees, still skeptical, but slightly hopeful. He tells Sean that they would begin the next night in the woods where Sean had met Zeus and he better not screw this up for either of them.

To Jack’s surprise, Sean is a much better hero than he’d originally thought. He admires the boy’s strength and endurance and constantly tries to push Sean to his limits to see how much he can take. He never found a breaking point. He teaches Sean how to use a sword as well as a gun, he trains him mentally and physically for every situation he can. He explains that his own strong suit is knife throwing and archery. Sean begins to look up to Jack and treat him more as a friend than anything else. He likes Jack. Jack is the first person who didn’t go running the second he’d walked into a room.

So after weeks of training and testing, Jack tells Sean it’s time for the real deal. They’re gonna go see what Sean can do in the real world to help real people. Sean asks how they’re gonna do that and Jack replies with “Have you eva’ walked around New York?”

They begin to explore, trying to find any kind of trouble they can until they stumble onto an alley where a young man, about Sean’s age, is struggling to get away from an older guy who’s literally pinning the kid to the wall. Jack tries to help Sean come up with some kind of plan before Sean just runs off, leading Jack to resign himself to the fact that he’s doomed and his curse will never be lifted.

Sean goes in and demands the man get off only to find that when the man turns around, he’s got three eyes and a snake's tongue. Sean pulls out a knife only for the kid to tell him that he can handle himself, calling Sean “Wonder Boy” before the monster in front of him throws him to the ground and punches Sean in the stomach, sending him flying back into a wall. Jack can only watch from afar, not allowed to help any hero in his battle.

The monster turns back to the boy who tries to scramble away. It is clear to Sean that the monster is trying to take advantage of the kid sexually. So he steps back up, plunging his knife into the monster’s back before picking him up and throwing him into the opposite wall. He then scoops the boy up into his arms and rushes him over to Jack.

Jack immediately tries to check the kid over to make sure he’s okay, but the boy just seems mildly annoyed, making sarcastic comments about how The Incredible Hulk over there just saved a damsel in distress while he watches Sean fight the monster with the hell of Pegasus who helps him kill the thing.

Realizing that this other boy was genuinely concerned for him, the blond kid softens just a little as Sean walks back over to him. He introduces himself as Antonio, or Race as his friends call him. At least they would, if he had any. He calls Sean a variety of flirtatious names as he thanks him, including “Spot” because of Sean’s freckles. Spot introduces himself as Sean Conlon, or Hercules as he’d been named by his godly father. He offers Race a ride to anywhere he wants to go on Pegasus, but Race refuses, admitting that he’s terrified of heights and is a big boy that can take care of himself, but still thanks Spot for coming to his rescue.

Sean falls a little bit for him much too quickly and much too easily before Race gives him a wink and a wave and walks off, seemingly fine.

Jack then tells Sean how stupid he is before leading him off further into the night and forcing Sean to listen to him even though the boy’s mind clearly kept drifting off to the mysterious stranger he’d just met.

Meanwhile, Race is off to the woods where he is met by two young men he refers to as Morris and Oscar and Hades himself, who is wearing a grey suit and a blood red tie. Morris and Oscar force Race to bow to the god after the boy initially doesn’t. Race fights all the way until Hades snaps his fingers and forces him to submit, having full control of the boy’s body anytime he wants it.

The king of the underworld asks Race why he doesn’t have the monster that he had requested an audience with by his side and Race explains that the monster made him an offer he had to refuse. Hades takes the boy by the chin. He loves to manhandle Race whenever he can, reveling in the fact that the kid would fight back against his hold only to have nowhere else to go. He tells Race that instead of removing two years from his sentence, he’ll be adding two on. In attempts to save himself, the kid blames the stranger who’d saved him, calling him Hercules.

Morris and Oscar, the shapeshifters originally responsible for the murder of Hercules, pale at this as their master burns with rage. Hades demands to know what happened after his servants lied to him only to turn to Race and tell him that he still had use for him. Race rolls his eyes, still defiant after nearly three years. Still, he has no choice but to do as he’s told.

A couple of days after rescuing Race from the ally, Spot and Jack are once again exploring the city, trying to find more trial runs for Sean, who Jack has taken to calling “Spot” to tease him. Spot’s doing rather well, especially considering he hadn’t died yet. So Jack is ready to start getting him attention before they hear a commotion in front of them.

Race rushes towards them, near in hysterics. He is relieved at the sight of Spot and begins begging him for help, stating that two little kids got trapped under a collapsed overpass. Without even waiting for Jack’s help, he whistles for Pegasus who reveals himself to the world in broad daylight and Race hesitates, still terrified of heights, but Spot grabs him and puts him on the back of the flying horse, asking him where to go. Race clings to him as he screams out street names.

Jack is understandably annoyed at being left behind and is forced to run in order to meet them at their destination.

Meanwhile, Spot lands Pegasus and Race crumbles to the ground, nearly vomiting as his entire body is trembling from being up so high.

Spot manages to get two small children to safety and does not stop them as they run off, unbeknownst to him, right to Hades.

Race crawls over to a nearby wall to support himself as he catches his breath and silently prays for Spot to get out of there while he still can.

A crowd gathers nearby, applauding Spot as they’ve just witnessed his heroism. Jack runs up to find Spot unsure of what to do. Before Jack can help him a hiss falls over the crowd. He pales before trying to scream at Spot to get out of the way, but the minute he reaches for Spot’s sword, his hand is burned. He’s not allowed to help.

So Spot grabs his own sword, turning around to find a monster rising from the fallen overpass. Jack recognizes it as a Hydra. Spot just starts swinging at it. After cutting off one head, he believes the fight to be over only for the thing to grow back with two other heads at its sides.

Race can do nothing but watch as Spot is nearly beaten and eaten alive by this monster he’d lured him to. He is horrified at himself, finding that he actually likes Spot. The guy is sweet and loyal, but Race knows he can’t fall for him. He knows he can’t.

Spot continues cutting the Hydra’s heads, even as Jack yells at him to stop.

Hades is watching from afar with a grin on his face. He is ready for the Hydra to kill the only thing standing between him and his eternal rule, but Spot manages to burn the monster alive, effectively killing it.

Race is relieved at that and barely manages to hide a smile as he saunters back up to Hades who is furious at the turn of events.

After this, Spot is made famous throughout the world, having been on camera whilst fighting the Hydra. He is asked for interviews, he’s given money, he’s made a hero in the eyes of the public.

This goes on for months.

Spot revels in the light of being the main attraction after being an outcast for so long. Jack is annoyed with him, but sticks by his side as his own life depends on it. Eventually, Jack just starts to roll along with it all as it becomes more and more stressful for Spot to keep up with his own fame as he continues his training and continues fighting monsters. It becomes abundantly clear to Jack how protective he’s becoming over the younger boy and he doesn’t like it, so he gets harder on Spot and pushes him further, only tiring Spot out faster.

Race watches every minute of it, finding himself enthralled by the man who’d saved him all those nights ago.

Hades, however, is not happy in the least. His two servants have given up and his slave is falling for the boy who would be his undoing. Race teases him smugly, telling him that he might as well accept defeat. This just makes the god even more angry. So Hades orders Race to find him a weakness. Race laughs at him.

So Hades reminds him why he’s there in the first place. He retells the boy the story of a child, a merely fourteen years old runaway who’d fallen in love with another, three years older than him. When the elder boy had tried to prove himself to the gods, he’d gotten fatally wounded and Hades had come to collect him. Unable to cope with the loss of his love, the child who knew nothing about the gods or love, for that matter, begged and pleaded for the god of death to take him instead. The god accepted, letting the not-so-heroic-hero live in exchange for the other boy’s soul for the next hundred years. Finding out what the young child had done, the resurrected hero ran off, finding another to worship the ground he walked on while the boy who’d given everything to save him rotten in possession of Hades, the cruelest god there was.

Race insists that he remembers and that he’d learned his lesson and would not be making the same mistake twice. So Hades hands Race a cellphone with a picture of Spot on it and explains to him as though he were a child that all he needed was to know what Spot’s weakness was. Race does not respond. So Hades leans in close to his ear and promises Race the one thing he craved above all else in exchange for this simple task.

His freedom.

Race drops the phone at the words, having never expected to hear them outloud. So he does as he’s told.

Back with Spot and Jack, Jack is trying to work out Spot’s schedule while Spot wallows alone in his mansion after speaking to his father in the forest again. His father tells him that he has not yet proved himself worthy and must still remain on earth.

Breaking into the giant house, Race finds Spot who is relieved to see him after so long. He asks Spot if he wants to get out of here. Spot is hesitant, because he’s supposed to meet with Jack for training, but Race convinces him to take a night off and run away with him.

And Spot can’t say no.

Exploring the city, Race flirts with Spot and Spot is the perfect gentleman, only making life so much harder for Race who wishes that this boy could’ve just been a jerk who deserved all of this. Spot buys him flowers and makes him laugh and makes him feel free for the first time in years.

While they’re walking, Race accidentally trips, falling right into Spot’s arms. Spot carries him to a bench to inspect Race’s ankle even though the other boy insists that he’s fine. He explains that he has weak ankles and flirtatiously inquires if Spot has any to which Spot replies he doesn’t think he does and he scoops Racer up again, putting him back on his feet to make sure Race is okay. They dance beneath the stars for a long moment before Jack flies overhead on Pegasus and jumps down in between them.

He screams at Spot and tells him he’ll be training like hell for the next week and he warns Race to stay away, feeling bad about it later as there’s something in Race’s eyes that tells him this was not the whole story.

Spot gives Race a kiss goodnight and leaves and Jack goes to follow him before feeling too guilty and turning back to apologize. And he accidentally hears a conversation he was not meant to hear.

When Race is alone, he has a sinking feeling in his chest and feels as though he’s floating on air all at once. He knows he has fallen for this new hero and he stares at the flowers Spot gave him before he is forced to stand by the air around him and he looks up to find his master waiting in front of him.

Race tells the god that he quits, that he won’t keep doing this. Hades only laughs and cruelly reminds the boy that he owns his mind, soul and body and Race has no choice in the matter. The boy tried to explain that Spot doesn’t have any weaknesses. He says it proudly, blushing as he twirls the flowers around in his hand.

That’s when it hits Hades. He smugly tells Race that he is sorely mistaken and snaps his finger, vanishing right along with the boy.

Having only heard a small piece of the conversation, Jack rushes to warn Spot who calls him a liar and a jealous, ungrateful loser who will never be able to talk to the girl that he’s in love with. Hurt by this, Jack leaves, knowing he’s not wanted or needed anymore. It shouldn’t matter to him what happened next.

Spot goes outside to train, trying to blow off some steam, knowing he needs to apologize to Jack but not fully knowing how to.

There’s a man waiting outside. One that Spot recognizes.

The man’s name is William Snyder, a business man who’d been around town for the past couple of months. Spot had no idea that Snyder was a god, just like him. Hades, to be clear.

Hades begins talking to Spot about his heroism and strength and says he wants to offer him a deal. Spot initially refuses, trying to walk away only for Hades to reveal that he has leverage. With a snap of his fingers, a stunned and scared looking Race appears right in front of him. Race tries to run to him, trying to tell him not to listen to this man, but Hades waves his hand and Race goes silent, chains wrapping around his body and mouth immediately, rendering him helpless.

Hades then snaps Race to him and manhandles him, trying to enrage Spot even more. He tells Spot that if he doesn’t want to hear the deal, he’ll just take Race and keep him like that forever, claiming he likes Race in chains better than anything else. So Spot agrees to hear Hades out, all the while asking him to let Race go.

Hades grins and tells Spot to consider giving up his strength for a day, the next day, in order to save Race. Spot asks if people are going to get hurt in which Snyder simply smiles. So Spot asks that Race be left out of it. Hades gives his word that no harm will come to Race should Spot accept.

So Spot accepts, shaking the gods hand to finalize it and falling to his knees as his strength is drained from him.

For a moment, Race is left in chains as Hades has his fun knocking around the mighty Hercules. But Spot croaks out that he has to let the boy go, to which the god laughs. He complies, saying to Race that a deal was a deal and that he was now free of his sentence before he draws Race to him and gloats to Spot about what a wonderful little actor the boy was.

Race struggles against him, trying to get away and explain, but Spot just walks away, heartbroken.

Though his strength is gone, Spot still feels obligated to fight against whatever attack was headed for them. He goes on his own to the center of the city where the titans have begun to roam free after Hades released them. Though the crowd cheers at his arrival it is quickly made apparent that he is no match for these monsters and he will not win this fight.

After trying and failing to stop Spot from fighting, Race rushes off to find Pegasus. His legs are already shaking in fear just looking at the thing that had been bound by Hades before. He releases it and Pegasus senses that something is wrong, so he allows Race to climb onto his back. Race screams when they take to the air.

Finding Jack wandering around, oblivious to the takeover happening behind him, Race begs him for help. Jack initially refuses, revealing to the boy that he knew who Race worked for. Race quickly explains the situation to Jack and Jack takes the reins, flying out to find a passed out Spot in the middle of the chaos. He ignores the burning of his arms and scoops Spot up, flying him to safety so Race can plead with him to wake up.

When Spot does eventually wake up, he scrambles away from Race only for Jack to tell him that this wasn’t Race's fault and he still needed to fight. They couldn’t let Hades win. So Spot goes out to fight again only to get knocked down in front of a car speeding to get away. Race panics and rushes to push him out of the way, taking the hit instead nearly getting stomped on by the titan Before Spot screams and rushes to his rescue, catching the Titan’s foot before it can kill Race.

Jack rushes in to get Race out of the danger and Race lets him, curling into him in pain.

Not understanding what happened, Spot rushes to the boy he quite possibly loves who explains to him that Hades promised he wouldn’t get hurt and he had. The deal had been broken.

Hesitant to leave Race, Spot looks to Jack for help. Jack promises to stay with Race while Spot rushes off and fights.

That’s when Race starts crying. It’s the first time he shows weakness in front of Jack and Jack can’t help but cry along with him, trying to promise him that everything’s gonna be okay even though they both know it won’t. As he starts coughing up blood, Race begs Jack not to let him die alone and Jack holds his hand and pets his hair back, promising him that he’d be right there the whole time.

Race is scared when he dies. His cries about not being able to breathe and can’t move without being in pain. It’s the most heartbreaking thing Jack had ever witnessed. When Race takes his last breath, Jack presses a kiss to his forehead and closes the boy's eyes for him, hugging him to his chest and telling him how sorry he was.

Flying up to Olympus with Pegasus, Spot frees the gods who are being held captive by the Titans and helps them trap the monsters once again before flying after Hades who tries to get away. It’s only when Spot remembers Race that he stops, rushing back down to earth where he finds Jack crying over Race’s body.

So Spot does what he has to do, even as Jack begs him to come back. He flies down to the underworld (how he knows where to go? I don’t know… but he does. Maybe he walked a long way, around the back. That ain’t easy walkin’, Jack. It ain’t for the sensitive of souls— oh wait…) and demands that Hades tell him where Race’s soul is.

Still smug and arrogant as ever, Hades reveals Race’s soul in the River Styx and tells Spot that he is more than willing to let Spot dive down for him. It’s only after Spot does so that Hades calls after him any mortal to enter the river will die.

Spot swims down for Race’s lifeless soul. It breaks his heart to see the boy so lifeless. As he reaches for him, a power surges through his body, making it easier to move and breathe. He pulls Race to him and holds him in his arms, stepping out of that river as a god with the love of his life in his arms. When Hades goes to stop him, Spot punches him down and walks out with Race’s souls, climbing onto Pegasus again and flying back to New York, where Jack still sat with an unmoving Race on the sidewalk. Everyone else was so busy with their own concerns, no one paid them a second glance.

Returning his soul to his body, Spot waits patiently and Jack watches with so much hope in his eyes it hurts. But then there’s a glorious sound of someone taking in a gulp of air.

Race opens his eyes.

He launches himself at Spot who holds him tightly in response and Jack laughs in relief at the sight, letting Race hug him too before Spot confesses he has to go. Race refuses to let him go so Spot takes him along, flying back up to Olympus where he is greeted as a god and Race is left standing awkwardly all alone at the gates, proud of the other boy, but sad that he may never see him again.

But Spot kneels before his father, asking to be blessed with mortality so that he can live his life with Race and Jack. He asks that his father lift Jack’s curse and allow them to live in peace because he finally found where he belonged.

Zeus, although a bit sad, agrees, and sends Spot and Race back to Earth where they meet Jack and take him to the border of New York to show him he is no longer cursed.

Race and Spot and Jack are friends for the rest of their lives. Spot reconnects with his adoptive parents. Race and Spot get married. Jack finally meets the girl he’d fallen for and marries her.

And they all live happily ever after.

Thanks for reading!

For more Mood Boards and AUs, click here!

[fairycosmos]

about your last post, is it like that for you too?? like every year I feel like 'I have no idea why i still here', and I've no motivation but also feeling too tired to actually try something, so I'm just here,, living and waiting for.. anything tbh

yeah me too i...... fucking hate it so much ...... because im not even a naturally positive person but every year? i keep waiting for Something? that will make it all feel worth while and CLICK. even just a little bit. despite the overwhelming evidence that nothing is coming to help me out of this, and that there's no plan or hope or whatever, i'm still here. like i said in that post my ape brain can't let go of that fact, the fact that i exist, and the whole survival thing. so im stuck in a cycle of pointlessly existing, occupying space i can't justify, and idk.......how long i can realistically keep it up. but the only narrative i've found that kind of comforts me is that happiness isn't the entire point or the be all end all of life, and it's better to aim for a sense of inner peace + a healthy foundation, while utilising the right mental and emotional skills to work through the turmoil rather than trying to avoid it, and to just let the rest be as emotionally debilitating as it's going to be bc....... unfortunately you can't run from life and apparently it's still worth living even if happiness being a constant state of mind is a myth. and getting to that point is probably a process in and of itself, which is just another factor that makes it all so difficult. but it you believe in time and the natural concept of personal development i suppose you have to believe that change is always possible, positive change at that. i suppose even if things don't live up to how we think they should be, there's still a lot to see. at the end we're probably still going to miss it all. and i think it's very normal and human to be tired but that absolutely doesn't mean you always will be, i think the permanence of any set thought or emotion is an illusion so......sometimes i hold onto that too. when im overwhelmed. i hope you can too!!! i'm not sure where you're at in terms of having a support system or seeking professional help and i know you've probably heard it a million times before but i also hope you know that it's an option that will always be available to you, and one that you don't have to be afraid of. whether it's a hotline, a friend, a family member, your doctor, a support group, a therapist.....there are so many ways to confront the underlying causes and to learn to cope with them rather than living under the control of them. especially through professional help and talking about what's going on. maybe that's what you're waiting for. after all your brain is the filter through which you see the world, and sometimes it needs some extra love and care and patience to find itself again. i really encourage it and believe that yr capable of taking those initial first steps no matter how scary, even just considering it is a good place to start.....anyway i don't want to get even more rambly, ultimately i know there's nothing i can say. because it's really hard and we should probably just sit with that fact sometimes. i just hope you're okay. i'll be here if you need a friend, i really get it x

edit o shit i just got your other anon after i posted this turns out you were on anon but if you want this deleted let me know!! 💖

[trylonandperisphere]

Let’s Just Lie on the Floor and Scream Together

Until Election Day, and then after that, too.

By JESS ZIMMERMAN

OCT 31, 20205:45 AM

Seven months into the pandemic and seven hundred years into the election cycle, we’re still being bombarded with messages about self-care: tweets reminding you to drink water or relax your shoulders or stop doom-scrolling, ladies-magazine lifehacks about how to get enough exercise or maintain a routine or start a meditation practice. This is all good advice, of course, whether the stressors you’re dealing with are global or national or smaller. It never hurts to look after yourself physically, emotionally, and (whatever this means for you) spiritually. But I don’t think we’re giving enough consideration to another significant factor, which is that NO! NO! I DON’T WANNA!

I do feel that I’ve gotten a tiny bit better at maintaining equilibrium over the course of These Unprecedented Times, but this hasn’t been a product of personal growth or newly-honed coping strategies. It’s been the result of throwing, and then eventually resolving, a series of tantrums.

They’re not big tantrums, although some are bigger than others. As COVID shut down New York in March and April, I went from drinking one day a week to seven. I stopped going out at all, even for walks, partly out of civic responsibility and partly out of anxiety but partly because I was sad and dramatic. If things are going to be so heavy and dark then why shouldn’t I curl up under them? I also quit flossing, which I’d been getting very consistent about, and started going to bed at 3 a.m. or later, which is my natural state but which I normally only do on vacation when nothing is expected of me. None of these things really made me feel better, but that wasn’t the point. The point was acting out, making a scene, throwing a fit.

If you’re an actual toddler (I’m not), tantrums are a natural part of development. They’re embarrassing for the parent and exhausting for the kid, but they’re also a frankly relatable instinct: you’re very small, you have NO money, you can barely make your needs known verbally, you have very little influence over your own destiny or even your daily activities, plus you’re hungry or tired or disappointed or confused. Why wouldn’t you throw yourself on the floor and scream? It’s partly self-expression—I’M HAVING A BIG FEELING, I MAY NOT KNOW WHAT IT IS—and partly protest: I will not stop, because you can’t make me stop, because I have no control over anything in my life except whether I stop screaming and whoops, maybe not even that anymore. It must be noted that I don’t have kids, but I have been a kid, and also am echoing what everyone says about them: Eventually, they develop better communication skills and more ability to self-regulate, and the instinct towards tantrums fades. (For the most part, anyway.) But at the time, in the moment, all the parenting advice is the same: just ride it out. Just let it burn through.

For an adult, the big, difficult feelings are expressed a little more quietly. I’m not saying I’ve never just laid down on the floor and screamed, but it might be frowned upon if I did it in an IKEA. (Even though being in an IKEA always makes me want to lie on the floor and scream.) Instead, we backslide on our smoking, spend too much money, eat potato chips even though they give us gas. We let the dishes pile up, stop washing our faces, cycle through the same three grungy outfits day after day. It’s not just laziness, or self-indulgence, or fatigue. It’s self-expression and protest: I will act miserable because I am miserable and I want to act the way I feel, and I don’t need to act like I feel better and you can’t make me. It’s a way of externalizing feelings that may be too big to communicate or contemplate on their own: maybe I can’t deal head on with the void of the future, but by god I can sit here refusing to get up until I need to pee REALLY bad. It is, in its own way, a kind of self-care.

And like all tantrums, it’s totally resistant to the other kind of self-care, the one that involves discipline and purpose, healthy bodies and healthy minds. If the whole point of acting out is to show the vastness of your displeasure, the soothing mom energy of morning rituals and limited screen time just makes you more destructive out of pure contrariness. Even exercise, which hurts, doesn’t hurt the right way. It doesn’t telegraph your inner wreckage! It’s good for you! Doing something that’s good for you is not the idea at all.

The classic parenting advice for toddler outbursts—just let them tire themselves out—is useful in handling your own, fully grown human, tantrum. (I did eventually stop drinking on weekdays, and kind of reined in my bedtime, and even started flossing again—but not through force of will. I was just done acting out in that particular way. I did swap in new tantrums, like the period when I was drinking less alcohol but also perversely refusing to drink normal amounts of water. I will probably have some kind of fit in progress until there’s full socialism and a vaccine.) You can try to avoid creating the conditions that breed a fit of pique: make sure that kids (or adults) are physically satisfied and comfortable, that their routines are not disrupted, that they aren’t faced with stimuli they can’t absorb and don’t understand. But when something—say, a grievously mishandled pandemic coupled with a flagrant threat to democracy—throws those plans into disarray, and a tantrum erupts, you just have to ride it out. Yelling doesn’t work, shaming doesn’t work, bribery doesn’t work. The tantrum needs space. The tantrum needs recognition. The tantrum needs, dare I say it, respect. And unlike trying to tamp it down or cover it up, acknowledging and respecting the tantrum helps it dissipate when it’s not serving you anymore.

So yes, we will take care of ourselves and each other, and yes, we will try to get through this, and yes, of course we will plan for meaningful action no matter what. But in the meantime, just for a moment, please join me on the floor, where we will scream.

[donnerpartyofone]

how have you been lately?

i guess i’m doing ok. i’m doing better than a lot of other people, for sure. it probably wouldn’t surprise anybody to learn that i thrive under quarantine conditions--if nothing else, i no longer have to make awkward excuses to avoid touching people! i also had the incredible luck of being invited to collaborate on a screenplay with an old friend of mine, for what will be his fourth feature, so i have something to do all day every day, that i love doing, that is best done in my own apartment. i desperately need a *real job*, but i still have some savings, so i’m trying to just keep steady with my applications and not get distracted by how dire the economy is. it doesn’t help to obsess, and my obsessions are much larger in scale, in that area; like i spend a lot of time thinking about whether i should devote a lot of energy right now to researching relatively painless and efficient suicide methods and procuring supplies for them in case an imminent death by secret police or the collapsing environment or war threatens to take place before i just die of whatever i was going to die of without all that. like this is a very real thought to me that becomes more and more detailed as days go by without appreciable change. but i manage to prioritize my immediate real-life issues, most of the time, and not have a nervous breakdown.

during this time when i finally have the space from other people that i crave, and i also have some amazing projects to work on--something that hasn’t happened in many years, if ever, really--i’ve been reflecting on how depression has affected my life. i’ll be 40 next year, and it’s only in the last 5 years or so that i began to feel like my quality of life was somewhere near decent. the common wisdom about the effects of depression is pretty easy to grasp: you miss opportunities because you don’t believe you can succeed; you alienate others because you think you don’t deserve to be loved; your health suffers because you hurt or neglect yourself. but the real shit, that people don’t usually point out, is that depression absolutely destroys time. it just erases the years of your life that you could have spent doing something, or even building up to doing something.

when i was a kid, and then a teenager, i didn’t develop any dreams or ambitions because i was completely preoccupied with feeling pain and trying to avoid more of it. when i got to college, i didn’t know what to do because i hadn’t developed any goal-setting abilities, which would have been an offshoot of the dreams and ambitions and just the ability to DESIRE anything at all, so i wound up with no control over my major and i barely graduated, after 5.5 years or something. when i finally got out, i didn’t have a basis on which to build any kind of career, and basically every job i’ve ever had was a matter of lucky coincidence and the convenient needs of other people. i had almost no positive sexual experiences in my life, largely because i didn’t know how to WANT anything and i didn’t have the ego to defend myself against things i DIDN’T WANT, and so i woke up one day when i was about 30, at the end of a long abusive relationship with someone who made a career out of hating me, realizing that my teens and 20s--those years about which we are all so precious and jealous--had just evaporated without producing a drop of pleasure. i mean i was never ever “hot”, but i could have been enjoying myself, if depression hadn’t eroded all of the time in which that was most possible. the biggest achievement of my life (besides my miraculously great marriage of course) was a nearly decade-long stint at [redacted evil megacorp], for which i was convinced i should be extremely grateful, but which corroded my morals and mental health and made me start drinking at a really threatening and publicly humiliating pace; i had to quit just to avoid having a nervous breakdown. i have a variety of things i like to do--drawing, writing, cycling, studying film and art and etc--and all i can think about is how far along i could have developed my involvement in any of those things, if i hadn’t been so extremely busy feeling pain for most of my life. i’m still depressed but i think i have improved, and i’m trying to just stay involved with the things i’m learning to enjoy, instead of obsessing over how much better they would all be if i could have my 20s back, or my teens, or the years when i was a little kid and just beginning to learn to conceptualize what i wanted from the world, and what i would need to do to achieve it. all those years are gone; i’ll never be competitive with someone who is comparably intelligent or passionate about my interests, but who was feeling good enough during their formative years to actually do something with their life.

i don’t consider 40 that old (and in any case i’m much happier than i was 20 years ago), but in terms of professional development, or development as a self-styled expert in something, or even just development toward internal and personal satisfaction regarding your own self-determined achievements, i’ve lost 2-3 decades of the time in which those things can germinate. it kills me, but i just can’t let myself obsess over it. i can, though, tell other people: if you are depressed, get help, whatever help you can afford, as quickly as you are able. i’m not going to tell you that “it gets better”, because whatever IT is may not ever get better, and i’m not going to tell you how many people love you because i cannot possibly know about that, and i am certainly not going to tell you that your problems are all related to distorted self-esteem or loneliness, which is so common in the popular rhetoric about depression and which i find so incredibly condescending and reductive and ignorant. but i can tell you concretely that depression destroys time. it is an occupation that, for many or most of us sufferers*, is mutually exclusive with the occupation of developing your personality, your skills, and your ability to create a vision for your life. depression is not all about the pain you feel now; it is very importantly about the years that you will awake one day to find missing, years in which you could have done something--anything--with your time on earth.

*i realize that some depressed people are enormously prolific because i guess that’s just how they cope, and i sure wish i had THAT kind of depression--i don’t understand it any better than i understand how heroin addicts have incredibly productive creative careers--but as things are, i can at least speak to people who have MY kind of depression.

[atsoukalidis]

A very interesting article / reminder for parents by my friend Elena Petre, that I repost here.

“Parental Self-Regulation and Tantrums

Recently, while browsing social media in the midst of the COVID-19 pandemic, I ran across the following two images: the first from the Facebook page of developmental psychologist Dr. Stephanie Grant and the second from the Instagram page @OurMamaVillage. These important statements inspired me to spend some time writing about this, as I realize some of these concepts are not self-explanatory to everyone out there.

At the therapy department of Child Advocates of Fort Bend, we use the terms “emotional regulation” and “dysregulation” a lot. These are key psychology concepts, especially in the context of treatment for trauma—which we specialize in.

SO, HERE’S A DEFINITION TO START:

“Emotional regulation refers to the process by which individuals influence which emotions they have, when they have them, and how they experience and express their feelings.”

Self-regulation is important because it allows children and adults to do well in the various areas of their lives: school, work, interpersonal relationships, etc. It also very much impacts our self-image and self-esteem, and it makes us feel good about what we can handle in life. Or, on the contrary, if we feel like our emotions get “the best of us” on a consistent basis and we’re not able to regulate well, we may label ourselves in a negative way, leading to harmful feelings like shame.

The thing about emotional regulation is that children look to their caregivers to co-regulate.

Because of this, a child will not be able to develop better regulation skills than the ones they see in the environment in which they grow up. Children are NOT born with the ability to calm themselves down—i.e. think of toddlers who cry until they get their needs met: food, sleep, soothing. Young children resort to tantrums as a means of getting the caregivers’ attention because they still have not developed the language and awareness to communicate like we (adults) do. As children grow up, they will watch the adults around them to learn how to internally process feelings and outwardly react to situations, especially emotional crises.

So, if a caregiver tends to engage in behaviors like frequent screaming, hitting, throwing things, cursing, shaming, belittling, emotional numbness, etc. when they are in crisis, a child who witnesses this may (1) become afraid because the person who they look to for safety is not in control of their own emotions, (2) internalize feelings of shame if the behaviors are directed at them, i.e. “I am a bad child”, and (3) likely become even more dysregulated. Some children will shut down emotionally as a way to compensate for the high levels of emotion their caregiver is displaying. This child will appear “very calm,” but inside feel numb. This way of coping is called becoming “hypoaroused,” and it can be an issue later in life because the child may become so used to shutting down that they may have a hard time identifying and feeling their own feelings, both positive and negative ones. Being hypoaroused can also lead children and teenagers to disconnect from their bodies and “gut feelings” so that when they’re in risky situations later in life, protecting themselves may become harder. Then there’s the children who, when they experience a dysregulated caregiver, will become “hyperaroused.” This means that they will also scream, curse, and throw things— essentially matching or “one-upping” the behavior they’re seeing. If the caregiver perceives this as disrespect or as evidence that the child is not “listening” or complying with the caregiver’s disciplining, and becomes even more dysregulated, then child and caregiver enter a vicious cycle that really damages the relationship and erodes the child’s self-esteem. Both hypoarousal and hyperarousal in children can result in interpersonal issues later in life.

And listen, we’re human beings—not machines. It’s ok to “lose it” sometimes. There will be times when we’ll make mistakes and yell, be unfair to someone we care for or react in the heat of the moment. I’m not saying that losing control sometimes means being a bad parent or caregiver, or that it results in ruining a child’s life. Going back to apologize and correct when we make mistakes can repair the relationship and has the added benefit of modeling humbleness, self-awareness and genuine apologizing to children.

What I really want to leave you with, however, is that emotional regulation is very important and that it is NOT a matter of willpower only. Some people come from families where there was a high degree of dysregulation—likely as a result of generational trauma. If this is your case, and you’re telling yourself, “Next time I’ll control myself; I’ll just force myself to do better”—you may be in for a disappointment.

The good news is that emotional regulation is a skill, not an identity we’re either born with or not. When we didn’t know how to drive yet, we didn’t just tell ourselves, “I’ll force myself to drive and it will work.” We had someone else teach us and then we practiced what we learned. It’s ok to lack an emotional skill; that’s not our fault. But it is our responsibility to get the support we need to practice this skill—especially if it impacts others.

Therapy is a great place to start. Meditation and mindfulness are also really helpful in slowing us down. Have candid and vulnerable conversations with your children when things are calm and ask them how they perceive your reactions during high-emotion times and how it makes them feel. Take a free parenting class online if you think it may be helpful. Operate from a place where you are separating your child’s behaviors from who they are; your child did something bad, they are not bad. And if you’re so emotional that you can’t make that differentiation, take a break. Try not to discipline when you’re at your angriest.

Sometimes I hear parents say things like, “I just have a short fuse; it is who I am” or “a loud tone is just how I talk.” And while I see where they’re coming from, this sort of black-and-white thinking can be very limiting. A more constructive and hopeful thought could be: “I struggle to regulate emotionally. It’s a skill I did not have the opportunity to really develop early on in life, but I am committed to do the work and get better at it now so that it does not cause my children pain.”

It’s not too late. It can get better; YOU can get better at it—but there’s some work involved.

So, forget about that old phrase “do as I say, not as I do.” When it comes to emotional regulation, developing a healthy self-image and learning how to cope with challenges and strong emotions, children will do as we do, not as we say.”

Elena Petre, LMSW

References: Gross and Thompson, (2007): Emotion regulation: Conceptual foundations.

[master-sass-blast]

Gatekeeper.

*rubs hands together* Oh, this is gonna be a Good One.

Summary: You decide you want to rejoin the X-Men after an ill-fated mission in Hell’s Kitchen. Piotr, unbeknownst to you, disagrees with the choice and tries to sideline you to keep you safe. You manage to work around him to make it back on the active mission roster --but will your relationship with Piotr survive?

Pairings: Piotr Rasputin x Reader and Nathan Summers x Wade Wilson.

Rating: T for politics, mentions of abuse, the Reader having the Biggest Dick Energy in the room, fights, emotional angst, and almost-smut.

@marvel-is-perfection, @chromecutie

Your legs are shaking. You’re feel like you’ve run a marathon. You’re covered in sweat.

You couldn’t be happier.

You pant and gasp for a minute, hands braced against your knees as you catch your breath, and then you straighten and let out a victorious whoop as you pump your fists in the air. “Fuck yeah! Kiss my ass, physical therapy! I’m finally done with you!”

After two months of recovering from getting shot at some God forsaken Hell’s Kitchen dock, you were finally done with physical therapy.

Which meant that you could finally get back to working with the X-Men.

From the patio behind the house, Piotr clapped his hands as you collapsed –triumphantly—onto the lawn. “Well done, moya lyubov’. You should be very proud.”

“Believe me, I am. And I’m gross and sweaty. Who wants a hug?”

He laughs and hugs you anyway, the good sport. “How are you feeling?”

“Tired. And super happy! It’ll be good to get back in the swing of things.”

He stays quiet for just a beat too long, and you might’ve called him on it if you hadn’t been so focused on breathing properly. “You have decided to rejoin X-Men? Actively?”

You shrug. “I miss working with everyone. I miss helping people. I miss doing things.”

He chuckles at that. “Very understandable, dorogoy. For now, how about we get you showered and fed.”

“I can be amenable to that.” You grin up at him. “But only if you join me in the shower.”

He smirks back down at you. “I can be convinced.”

It takes you a while to stop hemming and hawing over whether or not to run missions with the rest of the X-Men. You know you’re good at it, that your skills are immensely useful, but you don’t want a repeat of the Hell’s Kitchen incident; you don’t want to put your friends in danger.

And then Mikhail hits you in the head with an energy pulse, and you get a proper diagnosis, and you finally land on a choice.

You want to be an X-Man. Woman. Person.

Whatever.

“Is it weird that I miss doing missions?” You’re hanging out with Piotr in his art studio, watching him work on a painting of a vase of flowers. “Like, you’ve done them longer than I have. Do you think it’s weird?”

He smiles gently as he carefully paints delicate petals on the flowers. “Nyet. Not so much. You like to be active. To help others. To me, sense is made.”

You can’t help but grin at the mild mis-phrasing; you press on. “I want to get back into it. Now that I know it can all be managed, I want to get back into things. Like, soon. I miss the action.”

“Understandable,” Piotr says after a beat of silence. “But… perhaps it is better to wait.”

“Wait?” You frown. “What do you mean?”

“You… have never been on medication before. Perhaps… perhaps it would be best to make sure you find medicine that works before re-entering field work.”

And that… makes sense. A lot of sense, actually.

“Yeah,” you agree as you flop down in the over-stuffed armchair Piotr keeps in his studio. “Probably best not to be newly fucking with my brain chemical when I start doing missions again.”

Piotr smiles, but given your new position you can’t see that it doesn’t reach his eyes. “Da. Very wise thinking, myshka.”

Sitting out of missions while getting your meds worked out turns out to be a good idea. Given your “latent healing factor,” certain medications don’t work for you. Add to that the list of medication that are not compatible with mutants, and, well—

You wind up in a tough spot, to say the least.

Piotr stays by your side for all of it, true to form. He holds you in his arms while you deal with the ups and downs of weaning on and off of different doses, keeps your hair out of your face when one of the prescriptions you try winds up making you nauseous as all get out, and rubs your back when the medications invariably fuck up your sleep cycle and make it hard to wind down.

He’s a gem. Your gem, to be specific.

Fortunately, the medication journey is much shorter lived than the diagnosis journey. Within six months, you’re on a dose that works with you and the telepathic therapy you’re also doing.

“You know, I was worried that the meds would be like the repression serum for me,” you comment one early spring night as you and Piotr get ready for bed.

He pauses changing into pajamas to kiss the top of your head. “How so?”

“I don’t know, I just thought… I thought I’d be afraid to be anywhere without it. That I wouldn’t be able to go do anything without dosing myself, just to be safe. But it’s not like that at all. It’s not about my mutation, it’s about me. About my brain. And it’s not to keep me controlled, it’s to help me feel better. And I like that.”

Piotr smiles and kisses the bridge of your nose. “I am so glad, dorogoy. You deserve to feel better.”

“Well, I certainly think so.” You grin up at him as he finishes changing. “And, now that I’ve got my medication worked out, I can get back to being an X-Man. Woman. Person. Thing.”

You expect Piotr to smile along with you, so it’s surprising to see a flash of a frown cross his face before he turns away and fidgets with his phone real quick. “You are… you are sure you wish to rejoin?”

“Well, yeah,” you say with a frown of your own. “I mean… do you not want me to?”

“Nyet, nyet. Konechno, net. I simply figured…”

“Figured what, Piotr?”

“That you would want to get back into fighting condition, first,” he finishes lamely as he finally –finally—plugs his phone into his charger.

And, not for the first time since you’ve mentioned that you want to rejoin the X-Men, you’ve got a sneaking feeling that he’s trying to stall you. To protect you, in his own –misguided, controlling—way.

He’s right, though. Six months of ups and downs with medication, your diet, and your sleep cycle have left you no where near the condition you need to be in to do right by whichever team you wind up working with.

“Fair enough,” you concede with a yawn. You flop down on the bed and wiggle your way under the covers. “Turn the light off; I’m beat.”

You work yourself. Hard. You spend at least an hour in the gym every day, save for one full day of rest. You alternate which muscle groups you work each day, making sure that you give each set of muscles time to recoup before you work them again.

Fortunately, the ‘teacher assisting’ and grading work you’ve been doing for nearly your entire stay at Xavier’s is flexible. More often than not, you’ve got it with you in some facsimile while you exercise so that you can stay on top of everything.

The amount of working out you do does keep you away from missions –and, unfortunately, Piotr as well—but it does give you time to think.

Specifically, about your darling boyfriend and love of your life.

It’s not hard to tell that Piotr’s sidelining you. He isn’t cutting you down or making you question your abilities; in fact, every step of progress you make he’s praising you, encouraging you.

But, the fact remains: he’s sidelining you. Deliberately bringing up obstacles to keep you from running missions. Granted, he hasn’t brought up anything invalid or stupid, but you know your boyfriend. You know when he’s trying to protect you via controlling you. It’s not the first time you’ve been on the receiving end of this treatment, and it probably won’t be the last. Piotr copes with his stress by micromanaging. It’s a simple fact.

The fact that he won’t talk to you about whatever’s stressing him out, however, is bugging you. Big time.

I thought we were a team, you think as you put yourself through your paces on a treadmill one sunny –if chilly—early spring morning. But we can’t be a team if he won’t talk to me.

“He’s pushing me out,” you admit to Neena over a cup of coffee. The two of you had gone out so you could talk uninterrupted –a near impossible feat when school was in session—and so that you didn’t have to risk Piotr overhearing while you were trying to figure yourself out. “I just wish he’d tell me what’s bugging him.”

Neena raises an eyebrow at that. “You don’t mind him micromanaging things?”

You shake your head. “I’ve known for a while that it’s how he copes with stress. Honestly, given how discombobulated my head is at any given moment, I kinda depend on it. I just wish he’d talk to me when he’s worrying about something.” You frown into your mug. “Am I asking for two different things from him? Like, if I’m willing to let him have his bad habits –because I have mine too, and I’m not gonna expect him to be perfect if I’m not—is it even right to want him to just talk to me?”

Neena shakes her head after a moment. “I don’t think so. It’s one thing if he just micromanages how the fridge is arranged or how stuff gets put away, but it’s another thing when he’s micromanaging you. That’s an indicator of bigger stress, and he should talk to you about that.”

“Which is what I figured,” you agree. “He doesn’t have the right to sideline me just because I’m scared. I need to be able to make my own decisions without him interfering. If he has concerns, he should just talk to me about them!”

“Exactly. And if you disagree, that’s your prerogative.”

“Right.” You sigh and slump back in your seat. “I just… I’m tired of always having to fish stuff out of him. I want him to come to me. But I don’t want to be passive aggressive either…”

“If you don’t confront him, are you going to not do it to specifically try to punish him?” Neena asks, pointing her half-eaten biscotti at you. “Are you going to cold shoulder him?”

You shake your head. “No. I think he might just need to run the course on this one, you know?”

“Well, in that case, don’t confront him yet. Keep doing you, and start taking steps to handle things on your own. Get your shit in order and get back onto active duty without him. The fastest way he’s going to learn that he can’t micromanage you is if you sidestep him completely. You’re an adult; you can make your own decisions and call your own shots.”

You nod slowly as you mull the idea over. “Yeah. That might be the best way to do this.”

It doesn’t take too long for you to get yourself back into fighting shape. By the time the school year’s almost out, you’re back in mission condition.

You’ve also taken the luxury of participating in the group sparring the X-Men do to keep their skills sharp, having anticipated Piotr would pick that as the next “reason” for you to not rejoin the mission roster. As far the group you’ve been working with is concerned, you’re ready to start missions again whenever you feel like it.

Which takes you straight to Xavier’s office. When in doubt, talk to the man in charge.

Getting things straightened out with the Professor takes virtually no time at all. With your exercise, training, and therapy records, you’ve got all the –virtual—paper trail you need to warrant him switching your status from ‘inactive’ to ‘active.’

You thank the Professor as you exit his office—

And nearly collide nose-first with Piotr’s steel chest.

“Moya lyubov’?” He frowns. “What are you doing here?”

“Getting put back on the active duty roster for missions,” you say simply, as though it’s simple.

Which, technically, it is.

Piotr opens his mouth to see something, notices the Professor watching –the two of you are in his office, it’s not like he’s being a snoop—before ushering you into the hallway and closing the door. He escorts you a few feet away from the door –ever the gentleman—so the two of you can talk in relative privacy. “Myshka… are you sure this is good idea?”

“Alyssa thinks I’m ready, as does the team I’ve been training with to make sure I was on par against opponents,” you say. “And Xavier thought my records were sufficient justification to put me back on the list.”

Sad as the context of the situation is –and the stress and fear your know Piotr’s dealing with—it is a little satisfying to watch him flounder of the face of ‘you actually sorted your shit out and I wasn’t betting on that.’

Before he can say anything, though, Jean comes sprinting down the hall. “Y/N! Cable just called for backup! He and Wade accidentally stumbled into one of Magneto’s hideouts! We need to move out to help them!”

Your boyfriend stiffens. “Where—”

“You can’t come, Colossus,” Jean says quickly. “Magneto’s on site. Non-metal powers only.”

“I have to go.” You pop up to kiss your boyfriend’s cheek. “We’ll talk when I get back.” You sprint down the hall, keeping stride with Jean.

“Suit up and head out as fast as you can,” Jean says as she runs towards the hangar bay the jets are kept in. “We’ll be following you. I’ll send the coordinates to your phone.”

The site is an abandoned warehouse set on an equally abandoned, broken down industrial dock. Twisted piles of metal rebar lie everywhere –no wonder Magneto picked this spot to work out of—and various weeds are sprouting up from cracks in the concrete.

It’s also easy enough to track down Wade and Nate. You just follow the sounds of Wade’s pissed off screaming and the general sounds of rampant destruction until you practically walk into the fight scene.

Magneto and a few –much fewer than you expected, Wade and Nate must have caught him off guard as opposed to walking into a trap—of his men are facing down Wade and Nate.

Well, it’s not much of a face down since Magneto’s got a hold of all of Wade and Nate’s weapons, the weapons being metal and whatnot.

“Give me my guns back, you crotchety, geriatric fuck!” Wade screams as he pops his head over a concrete highway divider.

You land in the middle of the fracas, sending a gust of wind at Magneto and his henchman that knocks them all off their feet. “What’s good, dudes?”

“Oh, kickass entrance with casual catchphrase!” Wade chirps. “Very nice! Very on trend!”

Several meters behind you, the X-Jet lands on an open patch of concrete. The ramp to the main bay lowers, and Jean flies out followed by Bobby, Scott, Ororo, and Kitty –who’s clad in her trainee crop top, no less.

“It’s over, Magneto!” Scott says, pointing at him with an air of –arrogant—authority. “Whatever you’re planning won’t come to fruition.”

“See, now that’s just forced,” Wade says as he watches Scott, shaking his head. “So tripe-y. Yawn.”

“I am surprised you would declare this event over,” Magneto declares evenly as he stands up and dusts himself off. “Considering you nothing of what I am planning –to say nothing of the fact that I have not even started yet.”

“Give it up, Erik,” Jean says, glaring him down. “You’re outmatched and you have nowhere to run to.”

Magneto’s –Erik’s—lips curl into a cruel smirk. “On the contrary. You have given me everything I need to succeed.” He lifts his hand—

And Nate drops to his knees with a scream of pain.

Wade’s by his side in an instant, holding him. “Nate! No!”

Your stomach churns with horror as Nate’s screams echo off the concrete around you. They’re tortured, like nothing you’ve ever heard before.

Your vision goes red when you see a little streak of metal worm its way up Nathan’s neck. He’s activating the virus. He’s—

You whirl on Magneto. You can see his lips moving, no doubt saying something about trading Nate’s life for the escape of Magento and his team, but it doesn’t matter. You don’t care.

To your credit –or perhaps the credit of Magneto’s sense of self-preservation—he pales when you launch yourself at him. He lifts a twisted, thick steel beam with his other hand and launches it at you.

You let out an enraged scream and bat it away with an air current.

The beam punches through the side of a warehouse wall and clatters across the floor inside, out of view.

Magneto and his men look at the hole in the warehouse, then look at you –then tuck tail and run.

No.

You throw yourself after them, teeth clenched together as you keep your eye trained on Magneto’s dark red getup. You’re going down. I will dig your grave myself.

It’s not hard to catch up with him. Despite his ability to fly –and his energy and strength, which completely belies his age—you’re just plain old faster than him. It takes nothing to get in front of him, cutting off his escape from the abandoned docks.

He grits his teeth, then starts launching various discard scraps of rusted metal at you.

You cast a ball of whirling air around you, letting the random chunks of metal and hunks of rebar bounce away from you and across the concrete. Shield in place, you hurtle towards him again. “No one! Gave you! The right! To hurt others!”

“And no one had the right to hurt me, the rest of mutantkind!” he shouts back as he tries to press a steel beam through your air shield. “I will do whatever I have to make sure we are never hurt again!”

You send the bar flying with a flick of your wrist before you bear down on him once more. This fucking asshole—

No killing, Y/N. Jean’s voice echoes in your mind. We don’t kill.

Oh, you think back. I’m not gonna kill him. But he’s definitely gonna feel this for a few weeks.

By all means.

It takes a couple minutes to get Magneto where you want him, but you manage to corner him between the warehouse wall and you.

He sneers at you. “You’re all blind. You won’t take the shot.”

You narrow your eyes at him, fury boiling in your chest.

And then you unleash the mother of all sonic screams at him.

Magneto goes flying through the warehouse wall –which collapses before he hits it, which means you haven’t just turned him into gelatin—and out the hole you made with the steel beam earlier. He bounces across the pavement and rolls to a stop with a pained groan.

Before he can move, you snap a mutation repression cuff around his wrist. When he glares at you, you grab him by his cape and start dragging him towards the X-Jet. “You’re coming with us. Asshole.”

As fortune would have it, the rest of your team’s already captured the few henchmen Magneto had been working with. Kitty’s rambling excitedly about the fact that she managed to corner and take down one of the men all by herself, Jean and Ororo are listening and praising her—

And Wade and Nate are sitting off to the side.

You shove Magneto into one of the holding cells, then walk over to where your brother and dad are resting. You kneel in front of Nathan and give him a fraught once over. “How are you feeling?”

“Been worse,” he spits out through gritted teeth. He shoots a venomous glare in Magento’s direction. “Been a lot better, too.”

You squeeze his hands sympathetically. “Don’t worry. He got his. I made sure of it.”

“Yeah, I saw.” Nate smirks. “Not bad work, kid.”

“Alright,” Jean announces as Scott puts the last henchman in a holding cell. “That’s everyone. Let’s head back to the mansion.”

As per protocol, everyone heads to the medical wing for a basic evaluation and check up as soon as the jet touches down in the hangar.

Melissa, a purple-skinned healer that came to Xavier’s around the same time you did, smiles at you as you walk into your designated room. “Hey, Y/N. How’d everything go?”

“Magneto accelerated some of Nathan’s virus,” you say bitterly.

“I heard about that. Hopefully we’ll be able to help with some of the pain, if nothing else.” She starts checking your pupillary reaction with a penlight. “How’d it feel getting out in the field again?”

“Really good, actually. No incidents to report.”

“That’s great.”

There’s the tell-tale sound of heavy, metallic footsteps in the hall, and then Piotr’s standing in the doorway.

You don’t miss the nervous expression on his face and favor him with a soft smile. “Hey, babe.”

“Hi, Colossus,” Melissa echoes before addressing you once more. “Your pupillary response looks fine. We’ll do a quick set of X-rays, just to make sure everything’s good, and if that clears you’ll be good to go. Colossus, sorry, I’ll either need you to step out or armor down…”

“Up to you,” you say quietly when Piotr looks to you for instruction.

He armors down and steps just inside of the room, as out of the way he can be, given his size.

The X-rays go quickly, and –sure enough—all things are good.

“Alright, you’re all set,” Melissa says as she updates your medical records for the Institute’s database. She seems to notice the tension in both yours and Piotr’s shoulders –finally. “I’ll give you two the room so you can catch up.”

Your phone chirps as she walks out. You unlock it and check a text –from Charles, apparently.

The Prof: Will require your assistance with Magneto.

Your phone chirps again as another text pops up on the screen.

The Prof: Whenever you are ready.

Technically, you’re ready right now.

Not technically, you have a boyfriend you need to attend to first.

Magneto can wait, you decide as you pocket your phone. You look over at Piotr, who’s very occupied with looking at his shoes. “Hey.”

He looks up at you, guilt easy to read on his face. “Privet.” He swallows visibly. “I am… relieved you are well.”

“That makes two of us.” You pause for a moment, giving him an opportunity to speak. When he doesn’t, you sigh. Alright. Time to handle the elephant in the room. “You’ve been sidelining me from missions.”

He winces at the accusation. “Myshka, I—”

“No, that’s what you’ve been doing and you know it,” you say in a calm, level voice.

You’re not used to being this calm when dealing with confrontation. Normally, you’re used to exploding and raging until it all passes.

Maybe it’s that you know and trust Piotr, maybe it’s all the therapy you’ve been doing –it’s probably both, actually—but for now you’re just content to role with it.

You cross your arms over your chest. “You’ve been trying to keep me away from missions. And, since I know you, I’d hazard a guess that it’s because you’re scared of losing after the Hell’s Kitchen fiasco. Correct?”

He nods, looking down at his shoes again. “Da. You are right.”

“And you never thought to talk to me about your feelings? About any of it?”

His face creases with hurt. “I thought you would not listen.”

“And how would you know, since you didn’t try?” You walk over to him when he grimaces and turns his head away from you. “Piotr, I’ll cop to being the most stubborn pain in the ass at the mansion when Wade’s not around, okay? But I care about you, and I care about how you feel. If you don’t even give me the chance to listen to you, how am I supposed to know what you want, much less figure out if there’s a way to give it to you?”

He meets your gaze again, eyes shining with tears. “I almost lost you. I… I cannot go through that again. I love you, I want to be with you—”

“I love you, too,” you say when he cuts himself off, too overcome with emotion to speak. “More than anything, Piotr. But if you’re willing to manipulate me on stuff like this, who’s to say that you won’t once we’re married? Or have kids? We can’t be a team if you don’t communicate, Piotr, and it’s not fair to me to have you micromanage me, to have you not talk to me.” You purse your lips, then press on to finish your thought. “I can’t play second fiddle to your fear, Piotr. You have to pick one or the other.”

His eyes widen. “What—”

“I love you, Piotr. So damn much.” You try to swallow the lump in your throat. “But… but if you’re gonna choose to manipulate me instead of communicate with me, then… then I can’t be with you. We can’t be together if that’s what you’re gonna choose. And don’t—” You hold up a hand when he opens his mouth to reply “—don’t say anything about ‘you’ll always choose me’ right now. I know you, and I know you love me, and I trust that you want to choose me, but I want you to think about this. I want you to think about whether or not you can even accomplish it, and if you can how you’re going to do it. Okay?”

He closes his mouth, swallows hard, then nods. “Da. Khorosho. Okay. I… I will do that.”

Your heart squeezes in your chest as a tear slips down his cheek; you reach up to brush it away with your thumb. “I love you, Piotr. I love you so much.”

He wraps his arms around you and presses his forehead against yours. “I love you also, Y/N. You are… you are everything to me. Moye serdtse. Moye solntse. Moya dusha.”

You press your lips against his, and your heart cracks open at how passionately and tenderly and desperately he kisses you, and when you pull back you’re kinda sorta definitely crying, too.

“I love you,” he whispers as he cradles your face in his hands.

“I love you, too.” You kiss him one last time, then step back. “I have to go. Charles needs my help with Magneto.”

He nods, expression strained but understanding. “Da. Go. We will… we will talk later.”

You nod. “Yeah.” You kiss him one last time –you can’t help yourself, you love him—and then walk out of the examination room and down the hall.

The tension in Xavier’s office is palpable. Charles is seated behind his desk, engaged in a stare-down with a peeved looking Magneto –who’s changed into a button down shirt, a suit jacket, and slacks, somehow; the repression cuff still blinks on his wrist, a reminder that he’s powerless until someone decides that he shouldn’t be.

Wade and Nate are seated by one of the windows, watching Magneto with the precision and barely repressed aggression usually reserved for apex predators. Wade’s actually got his sword out, twirling it idly as he stares down one of the most powerful mutants known to history.

It’s a bit of a head trip, to say the least.

“I was summoned,” you say by way of greeting as you close the door behind you.

“Y/N.” The Professor shoots you a strained smile. “We seem to be at a bit of a stalemate. I was hoping you would be able to smooth things out—”

“You were hoping the young woman I consider as a daughter would be able to placate me into taking your side,” Nathan snaps. “Which is not gonna happen.”

“What sides are we even looking at?” you ask, feeling very much like a child being yanked into a messy pre-divorce argument. “What did I just walk into?”

“Knockoff psychic Seth Everman here—” Wade points his katana at Xavier “—wants to let Captain Magnet Kink here go. With a fucking warning.”

You –barely—manage to keep your face neutral as you look over at Charles. “Reason being?”

“I spent the first few years of my life in a Nazi prison camp,” Magneto spits out. “I am not going back into another one with a different label.”

Okay, you think as you try –and fail—to produce a counterargument to that statement. Guilt trip, trump card combo. Nice. “Wow. Alright. Uh. Not sure where to go from there.” You frown. “Okay, Professor –why did you even bring me in here? Like, you know Nate’s stance, you would’ve known that my being here wouldn’t change that, so why am I here?”

Charles steeples his fingers. “I was hoping in the event that Mr. Summers and Mr. Wilson would not… acquiesce to Erik’s release… you might be able to persuade Erik to… see our view of things. A guarantee of better behavior in the future, if you will.”

Magneto –Erik—rolls his eyes. “I have already made my stance clear, Charles. I will never side with inaction. The only way mutants will be safe is if we fight back and fight back now.”

“We are not about inaction,” Charles retorts. “We are about education. Which we cannot do effectively if you and your group of criminals are constantly causing chaos and striking fear into the hearts of non-mutants.”

“They should be afraid!” Erik snaps. “Non-mutants have held us under their boots for as long as the world remembers. They should be afraid, and they should flee like the bigoted cowards they are!”

“And what about the mutants that disagree with how you do things?” you interject before the two men can gain too much momentum with their argument. “What about those that stand up to you because some of your methods are violent, or dangerous? What then?”

“If they get in my way, they get what is coming to them.”

“How can you call yourself a champion for mutantkind if you’re willing to hurt mutants that get in your way?” you ask. “You can’t just walk all over people who disagree with you; there’s going to be people who don’t believe in your methods. That’s life. Deal with it.”

Erik narrows his eyes at you and draws himself up to his full height –which, for a man that’s pushing ‘definitely not spry anymore’ is impressively tall. “Those who refuse to act, or stand in the way of those that do, are complicit in the violence of our oppressors. Not doing anything is not an option!”

“We’re not doing ‘nothing,’” you fire back.

“Is that what you think?” he seethes. “You practice nonviolence against those who would have us killed. The last time I watched that happen, my people were gassed in extermination camps. I will not sit by and do nothing. Not now, not ever again. Perhaps you do not understand—”

“I understand perfectly well!” you snap, indignation rising in your chest.

Erik sneers at you. “You really think you can understand persecution the way I do? I watched my mother get shot by Gestapo agents when she refused to board the trains to the camps. I was put in a work camp and left to die.” He rolls up his sleeve, revealing a faded string of numbers tattooed on his forearm. “This, this is what persecution looks like. You could not possibly understand.”

“Oh, I understand just fine,” you growl out. “I was raised by anti-mutant parents in an anti-mutant community. I was beaten with a belt on a daily basis because I couldn’t control my mutation. I was hunted by men with rifles and shotguns when I tried to run away! My parents tried to have a telepath remove my mutation, which nearly killed me! Just because my experiences aren’t identical to yours doesn’t mean I don’t understand pain and persecution! So, buddy, if you want someone to walk down shitty ol’ memory lane with you and compare wounds, I’m glad to do and I’ll match you step for step!” You let that hang for a moment, then take a deep breath and continue when Erik doesn’t say anything. “Or, we can have a productive conversation and work on finding some sort of compromise that works as much as it possibly can.”

Erik scowls at you. “I am not interested in working with the enemy.”

“We’re not the enemy!” you shout. “Just because we’ve picked a different path doesn’t make us the enemy! And it’s not like your way is the end all, be all! No, no!” You glare at him when he opens his mouth to speak. “Look at him!” You point at Nate. “You were willing to run the risk of killing him just to get what you want. He’s a mutant; he’s your kind. If you’re willing to fuck over your own people to get your way, you’re the enemy we all need to be worried about. You cannot say you’re for mutants and then be selective based on our beliefs. Your pain and past experiences does not, will not, will never give you the right to do that! Never!”

Erik glances over at Nate then looks away, looking somewhat chastened.

“Look, Erik, I’m sorry for what you went through as a kid,” you say, gentler. “It’s fucked up and should have never happened to you. But if you want to make sure that never happens to mutants –to anyone—ever again, you can’t keep fighting us along the way. We’re the two different sides of the same coin. We need each other.”

He raises an eyebrow at that. “What… do you have in mind?”

You keep your face neutral, even as you’re stunned by the monumental breakthrough you just managed to set up. You take a deep breath and move on to the next part of your rant-speech-thing. “We need people like Charles –like the Institute—to take care of the ‘non-war’ stuff. Education, specialized training, housing for mutants kicked out of their homes. That kind of stuff requires special licensing which, given how many statutes and legal conventions you’ve broken, isn’t going to be possible for you to pull off. Some of us have to stay within the laws to take care of the kids and teens that can’t defend themselves. It’s how it has to be.”

“Agreed,” Erik says slowly. “I am surprised you are not advocating for ‘setting the model example.’”

“The decent people of the world? They’ll believe that,” you say. “They do exist. They’ll see us and support us. But there are a lot of non-decent people in this world. Places like Harmony, where I grew up. Traffickers. Government agencies that would exploit us for our abilities. That’s where we need people like you.”

“The X-Men do not practice or condone violence,” Charles interjects.

“And you’re a hypocrite on that,” you fire back. You hired my uncle as your hitman, you think at him. Don’t you dare try to paint yourself as a saint. “And you refuse to acknowledge that there are people who will never be swayed by what we’re doing. The people who’ve already decided they have the right to hurt us based on what makes us different are never going to care about what laws we get passed in our favor or what sort of example we set. And for them, we need people like Erik—” and my uncle “—to remind that when they try to hit us, we’ll hit back. The only thing that will stop them is knowing that we won’t be walked over.”

Erik smirks when Charles doesn’t argue back. “You seem… very willing to trust someone who has hurt your friends before.”

You smirk back at him. “Well, that’s because if you ever do anything like that again, no one is going to find what’s left of your body. I promise you that.”

He arches an eyebrow, but doesn’t seem too perturbed. “You would say that to a Holocaust survivor.”

Don’t let him see you flinch, you think to yourself.

Because what this really comes down to is if you’re willing to kill to protect the people you love.

And you are.

“You’re damn right I will,” you say, voice low and lethal. You stare up at him, unblinking while he scrutinizes you.

The corner of his mouth turns up after a moment. “You, Ms. L/N, are going places –and I cannot wait to see what those places are.” He looks over at Charles. “I only work with her. None of your other pacifistic followers, just her.”

You blink. Wait, what?

“Y/N is technically still a trainee,” Charles says, seemingly just as shocked as you are. “She is not—”

“Well, then, you better fast-track her for full status,” Erik retorts. “Because I work with her or no one else.”

Charles nods after a moment. “Very well. If that’s what gets you to cooperate.”

“Wonderful. Now that we straightened that out—” He holds up his arm, where the repression cuff is still latched around his wrist. “Get this damn thing off me.”

Charles sighs and wheels out from the behind the desk. “Yes. If you’ll come with me, I’ll take you to someone who can do that for you.”

You wait until the two older men exit Xavier’s office, then look over at Nate and Wade. “Are you guys alright?”

Nathan shrugs. “Sure.”

You wince. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to leave you guys out of it or—”

The corner of Nathan’s mouth turns up in a smile and he shakes his head. “Xavier threw you off a deep end. You priority was to make sure you could swim, not check and see if everyone else was swimming, too.”

You dart over and wrap your arms around him in a hug. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’ll live. Hurt more than anything.” He places a fatherly kiss on the top of your head. “You did good, kid.”

“She did better than good,” Wade comments. “She handed Magneto his balls.”

You look over at your honorary brother. “Are you alright?”

Wade nods. “Nate’s right. Xavier threw you the motherfucker of all curve balls. You did good. Besides, I trust your judgement.”

The praise makes you teary, and you manage to eek out a “thank you” as you let go of Nate. “Alright, I need to go wrap things up. You two just… make out on Xavier’s couch, or something.”

“Ooh,” Wade says as you walk out of the Professor’s office. “There’s an idea!”

You call your uncle as soon as you find a quiet enough spot and update him on everything that’s happened.

He congratulates you on doing the conflict resolution version of defusing a nuclear missile –“Yeah, Chuck’s kinda shitty about tossing people off a cliff sometimes.”—and gives you the go ahead to give Erik his number so that he can coordinate with your uncle on various missions –“Hey, as long as I can beat the shit out of him if he tries to jack me over, I’m good.”

You wind up escorting Erik –and his henchman—out to a waiting car on the front drive. You hand him a card with your uncle’s number written on it. “Someone will be contacting you through this number in the next forty-eight hours about how your partnership with the X-Men will proceed.”

He smirks. “So, you were not bluffing when you called Charles a ‘hypocrite.’ Interesting.”

“I don’t take shots I can’t make.”

He studies you for a moment, then smiles and shakes his head. “You are indeed going places, Ms. L/N. A shame you decided to limit your destinations by tethering yourself to the Institute.”

“Good for me that my opinion’s the only one that counts on that,” you fire back. “I think I’m doing fine.”

He smirks, then heads towards the car. “I will be seeing you, Ms. L/N.”

“I bet,” you mutter under your breath. You watch the car drive off, then jog back inside the house.

You’ve got a boyfriend to talk to.

You find Piotr in your shared room, sitting on the bed.

He’s armored down and dressed in casual clothes, staring ahead at the wall opposite the bed. His eyes look puffy, his nose is red, and there’s a pile of used tissues sitting next to him on the bed.

You shuck your flight jacket off –you haven’t had a chance to change out of your mission garb—and run over to the bed.

Piotr yanks you to him, pulling you to his chest in a borderline crushing hug.

You’re holding him just as tight.

“The Professor updated me on everything,” he says, voice slightly hoarse. “He says… you got Magneto to cooperate?”

“I think I just spewed a lot of bullshit that happened to make sense,” you say, a little shaky now that you’re out of all of it and coming down from a shitwhack of adrenaline. “I’m just surprised I didn’t write a check my proverbial dick couldn’t cash.”

He lets out a soft huff of a laugh. “You are gifted, myshka. Do not sell yourself short.” His face puckers with grief, and he drops his gaze to where his hands are holding yours. “And... I am so sorry for… manipulating you. I –I did not want to, I was not trying to, I just could not bear thoughts of losing you again—”

You press your forehead again. “Babe, I know, okay? I know that keeping everything organized and controlled is how you cope with stress, alright? I know what I’m walking into with you; it was never the fact that you were controlling, it was that you wouldn’t talk to me. That you wouldn’t try to manage your stress in a way that was healthy for both of us.”

He nods. “Da. I understand. And I did think, as you asked me.” He swallows hard and swipes at his damp cheeks with the back of his hand. “I think, for this specific instance, I never fully processed everything. I went from incident to taking care of you to my family to teaching. I never had a chance to address my fear or my grief. So, for this, I think some counselling would help me with that.”

“I think that sounds good,” you agree, encouraging. “And it makes sense.”

“As for possible future incidents…” He shoots you a nervous look before continuing. “I… confess I could not think of much. I can work with therapist for ideas, but on my own—”

You shush him gently when the pitch of his voice starts rising –it’s the closest to panicky you’ve ever seen him. “I’m not asking you to have all the details worked out. I wasn’t expecting you to have the details worked out. The fact that you’re committed to figuring out what tools you need to cope and how to get them is good enough for me.”

His shoulders sag visibly with relief. “Khorsho.” He wraps his arms around you and holds you against his chest. “Thank you.”

You kiss his collarbone, then his jaw. “I love you, Piotr. You’re my whole damn world. You know that, right?”

He nods, pressing his lips against your forehead. “And you are my world.” He exhales shakily, then lets you go to toss the pile of used Kleenexes in the trash. “I should take care of these.”

“Did you really cry that much?” You ask, heart tearing into for your giant marshmallow of a boyfriend. “Babe…”

“I was worried,” he admits. “That this would be the end of us.”

You shake your head. “I didn’t think it would come to that. I knew that you’d be able to give me a good answer. And I didn’t want to scare you –didn’t say any of it to scare you—but this is serious to me, and I had to convey that it was serious—”

“It is serious,” he agrees as he traces over your ring finger with his thumb. “It is good to take seriously. So… we are good?”

You smile fondly at him. “We’re good.”

He leans in and presses his lips against yours. “I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

He kisses you gently –and then not gently at all. He pulls you into his arms, kisses you like a drowning man tasting air for the first time, clutches at your body like it’s the only thing keeping him tethered to reality.

You’re clinging to him as well, tugging at his hair and rocking your hips against his. It’s like a fire coursing through you; you don’t care if you burn.

He mouths at your neck, presses wet, open-mouthed kisses at the spot where your skin gives way to the collar of your shirt. “I need you.” His voice breaks when he speaks, making him sound all the more crazed.

You lean back to shuck your shirt off and toss it somewhere behind you, press a gasping kiss to his lips. “I need you, too.” You cling to his shoulders as he rolls so you’re pressed between the bed and him.

The future’s uncertain. You don’t care about the future.

You’ve got Piotr, here and now. That’s all you need.

[donqwxx]

Takeaways from JC and A’Levels

Hello! I am from Singapore and I just completed my GCE A’Levels. It was a tough ride and these are just some things I would like to share with students who are going through junior college (JC) or a similar education journey. No doubt Tumblr has a strong ‘studyblr’ community, but I realised that many A’levels related posts are generally from the UK, which may not always be applicable for JC kids. These are some things I wished I had someone tell me when I was going through JC and I really hope that you can relate to something from this and feel less alone in your journey! 

1   Get a routine  

I was never a planner and I always work on tasks based on its priority and my mood. But over the course of preparing for A’levels, I found it very helpful to establish a set routine every day, especially during the months leading up to A’levels after graduation. Routines are basically a series of regularly followed actions and I find that it helps me to feel in control of my time, and to power through the day and stay motivated. My routine consisted of me waking up at a fixed timing of 7am every day, doing simple workouts for 30 minutes, having my breakfast and a shower before starting my revision at about 9am. This morning routine became a ritual for me and made it easier to motivate myself to sit at my desk and get work done instead of falling into the temptation of lazing on my bed for 30 minutes more. Find what works for you and once you instill the self-discipline to keep it going for the first few weeks, it will eventually become much easier to stick to it eventually.

2   Don’t lose momentum!!  

I believe that A’levels is similar to a marathon. Once you stop, it’s easy to lose your momentum and eventually your gears will turn rusty. In the months leading up to the A’levels, I had shifted my focus onto the subjects that I was weaker in and I paid less attention to Geography, which I felt I had generally mastered both the content and skills. And naturally, during the A’levels itself, I also spent more time on the subjects that were more imminent and neglected Geography, which was my last paper. Although I made sure to do at least 1 practice paper per week, I found myself unfamiliar with the content and trying to cram the heavy content in a few days was just too late. I felt that I underperformed for the paper as the content felt somewhat foreign to me, which was disappointing as I had worked so hard to master it before. Thus, it is extremely important to not neglect any of your subjects. Time is indeed tight, but it is important to continue to look through and revise the content of the subject regularly, no matter how confident you are in it. This is really important to not only keep your momentum but also boost your confidence for the paper! During our mock exams, my teacher told us that from our essays he could tell that some of us were losing our momentum already. This really shows how a loss in momentum can really show in your writing in the form of a lack of rigor, which highlights the importance of constantly revising and going through all of your subjects. I am not saying to not focus on the subjects you are weak in but to also make sure not to neglect any, even if it means just half an hour flipping through a particular set of notes. It is a difficult balancing act but try your best to do balance all your subjects and I believe it would really ensure you are at your best during the A’levels.

3   Don’t compare

I think this is the number 1 problem for many JC students, whether it is when we compare our grades or the opportunities we are awarded against our peers. In the fast-paced, competitive system, it is inevitable that we sometimes get trapped in these bouts of anxiousness that everyone seems to be doing so much better than we are. I clearly remember my first few Geography lectures and tutorials where I would just come out feeling so lost with so many question marks in my head and sometimes I would just burst into tears thinking that everyone else is coping so well and understanding everything while I did not pick up anything at all. However, with time, I realised that most of the time, whatever we tell ourselves in our heads is often more exaggerated and extreme than reality. You are definitely not the only one struggling and lagging behind, and most of the time, it’s just that people do not show their struggles on their faces. By comparing yourself with someone else, you are equating someone else’s strengths with your own weakness and obviously, that is not a fair comparison. Acknowledge your strengths and the efforts you are taking to improve yourself. A quote that personally helped to frame my mindset is this: “My best, my 100% might be someone else’s 80%... or 60%... or 40% but it’s my best and it’s good enough. And that’s what matters.” Getting caught in a never-ending race of trying to outbid others will only cause you to lose sight of what is truly important to you and who you are. This was something I had learnt the hard way as I lost much of my self-esteem because I just felt that I was never good enough. But the truth is, none of us are and as long as we strive to grow each day to become better, it’s enough. You are enough.

4   Be kind to yourself, give yourself the rightful credit

This is never easy to do and I struggled with this for many years and I am still trying to become better at it. Every single human being makes mistakes, including you. Don’t beat yourself over an answer that you could have written better or that careless mistake you made during a math paper. Yes, you screwed up but so what? Don’t discount all the times when you persevered and spent hours trying to understand that particular topic. Failure is not always a bad thing. Think about it, it is because of all the times when you fell that you picked yourself up and became stronger. Failing is an unavoidable experience of growth, don’t be too hard on yourself. Don’t equate taking responsibility to taking the blame for everything. Many times when something goes wrong, I always tend to take the blame even when it is not my fault or something that I can control, and most of the time, I do not even recognise this. This made me learn that overly-blaming yourself will only continue to hurt your confidence. Recognise that some things are out of your control and that not every outcome is because of something you said or did. Some decisions are primarily the responsibility of others. Be mindful of what constitutes your responsibilities. Part of attaining self-love is learning to set your own personal boundaries and making it clear to the people you love about these lines. One such personal boundary that I drew was to set aside the time I take to travel on public transport to and fro school as a time for myself to reflect and be alone. However, unlike all my previous failed attempts at self-care, this time I learnt to speak up and to let my friends know of this personal boundary of mine so that they respect it and do not cross the boundary. This helped to boost my self-respect and confidence greatly as I learnt to mark my own boundaries and convey it to others. 

5   Burn-outs

Burnouts occur in different periods of time for different people. I experienced my first burnout in my 2nd year of JC and it happened at a time when I was overwhelmed by my commitments in extra-curricular activities and my academics and I also fell into the trap of comparing myself to others. I felt sleepy all the time, I did not want to get up and the thought of giving up was a constant in my mind. It was a very trying time for me as I felt the need to have to go on with my everyday life as if nothing was happening. However, it is important to recognise that it is a way your body is alerting you that you are exhausted. Listen to your body, do not force yourself to “snap out of it” or feel guilty about not being as productive. Burnouts reflect a state of our mental health, and it takes time to recover from one. Many of my friends, including myself, started to burn out in the second to the third week of A’levels as well. The exams stretch for 1 whole month and there are hardly any breaks after the mid-year exams as you engage in a cycle of constant revision, prelim exams and finally the A’levels. Hence, I can’t stress the importance of pacing yourself enough. Make it a priority to schedule breaks and to allow yourself to rest. For example, if you find yourself less productive at night, stop work at 9 and just do whatever you want till your bedtime. I made it a point to sleep at least 7 hours every night leading up to A’levels. Not only did it helped to regulate my stress, but it also allowed me to be more awake and productive during the day! Many people feel guilty for sleeping early because their friends burn the midnight oil or because they tell themselves they have to make better use of the time. But I strongly believe that everybody works differently. Find out what sleep schedule works for you and stick to it. After all, you are the one who is accountable for yourself, not them. Other than plenty of rest, what helped me out of my burn out was reading and listening to other people’s stories. These 3 sources really helped me to feel less alone in my stuggle: 1, 2, 3.  It is also important to discover the cause of your burnout as this can help you to tackle the problem at its root. Take time off school if you need to and reflect on the stressors in your life. Engage in activities that you enjoy and give yourself time to recover. Don’t suffer alone, talk to others about it. It is okay to ask for help, you don’t have to do everything alone. I had decided to talk to my family members about it and contrary to what I expected, I received heartfelt advice from my siblings who had gone through similar experiences before. Talk to someone who you are comfortable with about your feelings. It can be daunting but sometimes, it enables to open your heart and mind and discover perspectives you have never seen before. Recovering from burnout can take a very long time and it is normal. Don’t push yourself to feel 100% every single day, listen to your emotions and prioritise yourself. Afterall, your health is the most important. 

6   Actively reach out to your support system

One of my biggest regrets in JC was failing to recognise that I could ask for help. I was always hard on myself and I felt that at 18, I had to be independent and mature and do everything alone. I shamed myself when I asked for help. When I was on the verge to talk to someone about my problems, I was always held back by the thought that I would be a burden to my friends or family, especially since they are having their own struggles as well. I felt like I would just be adding on to their problems and no one would be genuinely interested in what I had to say. This made me feel unimportant and lonely. It was as if I was in a dark pit alone with no way out. As if my screams were in a different frequency that cannot be heard by anyone else. However, my sister taught me that there would always be people willing to listen to me and to be there for me. It was difficult for me to believe it at first, but once I started to open myself up to others and allowed them to be there for me and enter my life, I felt so much more secure and loved. I learnt that the person who is responsible for building my own support system is no other than myself. Nobody can read my mind. If I do not express my thoughts, how do I expect others to be there for me? That said, not everyone here reading this post may be good at expressing their feelings. However, talking is merely just one of those ways. Find your way to let your family or friends know that you need their support and company. This could be certain physical cues or even through writing. I can comfortably say that JC was one of the loneliest periods in my life. It can sometimes feel that the world is revolving regardless of how you are doing and you are trapped in so much action around you but you have so little involvement in them. Therefore, I cannot stress how important it is to establish a support system for yourself, no matter if you are someone who needs a lot of affirmations or not. Be proactive in searching for people to support you in your journey and likewise, be there for them when they need you. 

7   Forgive yourself and move on

After my economics paper 1, I felt extremely dejected because I did not perform as well as I wanted to. My time management was poor and there were questions that I did not understand. I was disappointed and angry with myself. I blamed myself as I felt that all the efforts that I had put in in the past 1.5 years would just go down the drain. I cried for an entire afternoon and I was so disheartened to the point where I just wanted to give up and not take the other papers. It took me a long time to come to terms with the fact that there is no point in crying over spilt milk and to let it go. My point is, it is okay to feel sad, angry or whatever emotions you have, but it is important to let it go. Sometimes, emotions are just chains locking people down, and dwelling in them only makes one feel worse. I had allowed myself to wallow in self-pity and to wish that I had done better. But these are things I cannot change. Regardless of the outcome, if you had done your best in that instant, you did well and you deserve to tell yourself that. Yes, you made some mistakes but so what? Despite it not being able to fulfill your expectations, your best is all you can do, no one can do more than that. My teacher had said this once: “Never indulge in your feelings, be it emotions of joy or sadness. We feel, pack it up, remember and move forward. Don’t live in past glories and don’t live in past regrets.” Give yourself some time to internalise your emotions and organise them. Acknowledge your efforts and forgive yourself. Move on, allow yourself to breathe. I once watched a video and an analogy that they used has since been held close in my heart. It said a rocket has many little fuel tanks that it carries with it that brings it to the sky. But once it is in the sky, it has to drop it all so that it can continue with its journey. Likewise, this applies to the bad things that happen in our lives. It spurs you on and helps you grow and then you just need to let them go so that you can move further. 

8   Your life is not just about studying.

Your life is more than just those notes and exams, there are so many opportunities awaiting you and so many meaningful things around you. While our main responsibility as students is to study hard, it is important to find life out of the books. I read an article recently and it puts my point across very nicely: “Our education system is built on the idea of merit, so people ... equate merit with performance in exams”. We allow our academic performance to influence how we feel about ourselves, our sense of self-worth and confidence. It is important to find your worth outside of the affirmations of others when you do well academically, or else it is easy to fall into the belief that you are nothing but a grade-making machine. After my A’levels ended, I felt a low in my life as I had dedicated so much of my life to studying that I lost my purpose and I felt worthless because I was no longer being “productive”. I forgot how to enjoy myself and to have fun, and this made me realise that I had indeed lost myself in trying to meet my own expectations academically. I cooped myself at home for months and the only time I left the house was to the library or school to study. Make it a point to engage in your hobbies, do not put it off just because you feel that it is a waste of time or that you feel pressured to study. It is difficult to see it now because you might be caught in the frenzy of studying, but when you look from a wider perspective, your academic journey is only such a small part of your life. There are more permanent things that you carry throughout your life, like your relationships with people, social skills that will continue to shape you as a person. Dedicate time for these important things and I can assure you that you will not regret it.

9   Find joy in learning

At some point in JC, I found that I lost my joy for learning and I was instead trying to memorise all the information in my head without trying to understand it. I was only studying just for the exams rather than to develop my critical thinking skills and my knowledge. Studying got very painful and I lost interest in many of my subjects, even those that I liked initially. When I realised this problem in the middle of JC2, I made it a point to relook at all of my study material and to slowly go through everything to try to genuinely understand them. It took a long time but this helped to spark my interest again as the content was no longer as dry as before. Blind memorisation may seem to be a shortcut and an effective way to ace the exams, but for me, I found it difficult to apply any of the concepts as I did not know how to adapt them to the questions. There is a difference between learning and studying. Be mindful to sieve out whether you are learning or purely just doing it for the exams.

10   Tough times will pass

For me, the JC experience was so tough that it is indescribable in words. The best way I can put my experience is that it is like a rollercoaster ride, except that everything is perpetually going downhill. Of course, there have been good days, but there has been a fair share of difficult days. It is extremely demanding to have to learn this giant chunk of content in only 1.5 years and the commitment for extra-curricular activities will undeniably drain you. It may be unbearable at times and you might feel that you want to give up. I have also gone through these moments in my life but I can confidently tell you that you are stronger than you believe and you will overcome them. Think about all the times when you felt so small and vulnerable, but in the end, you managed to get through them and now the painful experience is only just a speck of your memory and it no longer hurts you as much as before. Likewise, you will be able to overcome whatever struggles that come in your way. I read the book ‘The Last Lecture’ and there was a line that said “The brick walls are there for a reason. The brick walls are not there to keep us out. The brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something. Because the brick walls are there to stop the people who don’t want it badly enough. They’re there to stop the other people.” All the struggles and heartaches will only bring you closer to your dreams. It will teach you lessons, grow you to become stronger and equip you with more wisdom to tackle other challenges in the future. This was a song that comforted me through many of my bad days and I hope it can also bring you some strength to continue to push on: https://youtu.be/4KdUGnowXS0 You will be okay, this soon shall pass. The storms may be tough but the sun will shine again. It will get better! Don’t give up!

While you are caught in your endless to-do list, never forget you are human. I mean these 3 things- resting, making mistakes and feeling. Make time for play and rest, for development. As we grow up, there will be new emotions we would be experiencing for the first time. These eventually will make up who we are as a person which we will carry throughout our lives, so invest time into these things as well.

I know how tough JC is. You may feel that you will never see the end of the tunnel but as long as you are taking small, new steps every single day, you’ll make it. Take challenges, fight. Even if you get beaten up, live your life how you want okay? This is our youth and we will only live it once. Leave no regrets and chase your dreams! Lastly, let me leave a youtube video from one of the artists I admire very much, there were many meaningful messages I got out of the interview and I hope you will too! 

Thank you for reading this, no matter whether you are studying in JC or not, I hope this has been helpful! Hang on and your hard work will pay off! Believe in yourself!

[juupajaa]

💍Honeymoon phase:

Honestly honeymoon phase is something else. I wish there were more studies done on this whole thing bc it is so wild and honestly if I ever become a cool science gal, I will do this research myself. I’m pretty sure honeymoon phase is the whole root of why recovery is so hard and this is definitely the most cruel and twisted stage of eating disorders, even if it’s not the one that causes the most mental and physical suffering.

Ok so now your ed/de has latched onto you and it has a bitching strategy: make you feel like it is helping you. 

In honeymoon phase, your disordered eating is working full time to make you feel better and in turn you are doing whatever it asks of you, in order to feel better. You are “willingly” taking part in disordered behaviour, and it feels like it is working. And you aren’t wrong, it probably is. There’s a good chance your behaviour is causing things to actually improve for you. Some might get compliments for their weight loss or attempts to eat healthier. Others might get more motivated to perform well and get praise from that. For some the new fascination is enough to make things feel better. 

This is the part where your disordered eating is forming into the special cocktail, tailored just for you and your current needs. You try things out and see what works to ease your discomfort. Your de hasn’t fully shifted into a full blown ed yet, but by now it’s on it’s way if it is to come. Your behaviour isn’t the same forever though. It might change along the course of the illness or the events in your life, and if you relapse at some point in your life, your ed/de might be very different from the last time.

In my life, I’ve had four episodes with my ed and each time the behaviour was very different and usually it evolved from one thing to another during the episode, but mostly revolving around one thing. First time I was counting calories like my life depended on it and it evolved into purging over time. Second time was a big ole binge-purge galore, but it had a twist of five consecutive days of starving between binging and purging. Third time I was mainly restricting, but it evolved into food hoarding with a single item diet. Fourth time it was starving and insane food rituals, which evolved into uncontrollable binges. Each of these episodes happened years apart and they went through the stages independently. 

Yet every damn time I fell for this shit like I didn’t know better. The first time, sure, I didn’t know what the hell was going on, but the second time? I was thinking: Oh, no I’m not gonna get into an ed again. I’m just throwing up a little, that’s all. The third time: Oh yeah, I’m not getting sick again, I just really like to hoard food. I’m not gonna eat any of it, but wow would you look at all this food! Fourth time: Yup, this time I got it. I’m gonna lose some weight and not be an idiot about it.

My point is that the honeymoon phase is so damn good, that even if you are fully aware that this might and will end badly, you’re going to go along with it, because it is working and you can’t deal with whatever is going on in your life right now. Here are some things you might experience during the honeymoon phase: 

an increased interest/concern/fascination with food/your looks/nutrition

a sense of having a new hobby, interest, skill or even personality or a friend or a life-style

being in a better mood when you get to engage in your behaviour, and getting irritated or upset if you can’t for whatever reason

your days start to revolve around food, but it’s still manageable

seeking a sense of control, pride, accomplishment, pleasure or satisfaction from engaging in disordered behaviour

you start seeking out information about food/nutrition/weight loss more or less daily, maybe even get lowkey obsessed with it (I used to have a folder on my laptop, full of pictures of food that I would just stare at every day and I dedicated a lot of time in updating and keeping it in order. Hi, my FBI agent, why u didn’t help me out dude?)

During honeymoon phase, you get all the perks of an ed, without the suffering part and it is pretty rosy, not gonna lie. Whatever was worrying you so much before, it’s easier to handle. It feels like you’re doing ok, maybe even good, but at least better than before. You might feel like you’re in complete control of your behaviour and that it isn’t affecting you negatively at all. This is of course false.

The key element of honeymoon phase is that sweet, sweet denial. Some might go full blown actual denial, not even entertaining the thought that this is an ed/de. It might feel like a conscious change in lifestyle and since it isn’t hurting you just yet, it is easy to think so. Others might get something called optimism bias, which is very common among people in general. A common example of optimism bias is that we don’t think car accidents will happen to us. To others sure, but not to us. In the case of optimism bias in an ed/de, you might be fully aware that this isn’t exactly normal and you probably shouldn’t be doing these things, yet the rewards you get from your behaviour are good enough for you to dismiss your concerns. You might even be fully aware that this is disordered behaviour and you might know all about the health risks, yet you are convinced bad things won’t happen to you because you are “not really sick”. Again, false. You are sick and this is how eds/de are. I repeat: Yes you back there, thinking you’re not really sick, just a fake fraud who wants to lose some weight but are too lazy to do it healthily. Trust me, if you were healthy, you’d be losing weight like healthy people do. Your disordered eating is keeping you from doing it, making your relationship with food too complicated for you to lose weight by the books. Same goes for you, dude in the back, thinking you just really love food and it’s normal to hide your eating habits from others out of shame or guilt. It isn’t normal.

Another thing that might happen is that you develop an interest in eds. You start seeking out information and media, anything you can find. You might feel insecure about yourself and wish you could change yourself as quick as possible, convinced that it won’t lead to an ed, because you need to be something special in order to have an ed. This is all normal disordered thinking and don’t feel badly if this was you in your honeymoon phase. You didn’t bring your problems to yourself, even if it feels like it. People without disordered thought patterns don’t actively try to mimic eds. They get bored or tired of it after the first few days or weeks.

What is so cruel and twisted about the honeymoon phase is that it lures you in with promises of better quality of life, hooking you in and making you give your disordered thought patterns time to cement themselves properly. Yet once honeymoon is over, your quality of life will start to sink back down, getting possibly much worse than what it was before your disordered behaviour. And not only that, it also makes you doubt you are sick at all, because you “actively took part in it, so it must have been willful and conscious”, which too is false. It is such a cunt and I hate this bitch so much. 

After the honeymoon phase, if your de will turn into an ed, it will, and if not, you might fall into a disordered eating cycle, and I will talk more about it in the next stage. While you can fall back from all the rest of the stages from this point on, honeymoon phase is something you can’t really ever return to during your current ed. Honeymoon requires you to be in some level of denial and once you slip out of denial, you can’t really fall back into it. This is of course very unfortunate for all of us, because this is the only point where our coping mechanism is actually helping us cope.

The good news is that this is still a very early stage of an ed/de and recovery is still rather quick and painless at this point. Should your situation improve and your coping mechanism to become useless, you might kind of just slip out of the de without any trouble at all. Or in case of other’s getting involved in the situation, the treatment is very effective, since your disordered thought patterns aren’t too strong. Yet. 

[gg-astrology]

Sagittarius sun with a Gemini moon? What are your thoughts on how they would be?

Hey there! 💕Here ya go I did my best 💕 I hope you didn’t wait too long ksdjnsk im so sorry ;; 💕💕 im working from bottoms up and only just got to urs 💕

[Below Cut: Sagittarius Sun - Gemini Moon  🧞‍♂️ ]

Clever and lucky...what a good combination to have

I nearly had half the mind to put a clover leaf for this combination because they somehow always seem to get by -- being playful and autonomous, detached and friendly without compromising themselves/binding themselves down completely to anything (belonging to everything).

But i feel like the genie is better-- it talks about the wandering spirit Sagittarius/Gemini has. They touch and go, learn and grow, but without anyone around them who’s consistent/stead-fast throughout their entire life.

These people have the ability to come across as someone who’s incredibly anxious skdjngskn but that in itself is a survival skill, they skrrrt so fast when someone tries to make them stay/figure them out deeper than what they’re willing to show, there’s a fear of vulnerabilities/intimacy that comes with the territory. Because they feel like if they ‘open’ that up--- it’s a whole can of worms that could potentially turn into upsetting their moods, and they are always defined by what mood they’re in.  

They also don’t like it when they themselves are held accountable for their own words/action. Because sometimes they 1) ‘cant remember what they said/thats too specific/detailed/technical’ 

Or 2) did something that they said they weren’t going to do bc they already ‘grew past what they said/that phrase in their life’ even tho it was like-- 15 minutes ago.

Can’t hold them accountable for themselves?? Lack a lil self-discipline which y know, might be endearing to a certain age/expected of the environment -- but in the long-run, the thought of ‘oh god am i going to get anywhere/manifest anything in 10 years’ freaks them out sometimes (causes anxiety to spike) so -- they don’t like to think too hard about these things (selective, with what they’re thinking about/spend their time thinking about. Watch for this)

Which--also directly contributes to why they have a problem with self-discipline. They’d rather wait for these ‘periods’ of anxiety to rise again and again and then subdue them again and again. 

Than --- y know, actually putting it into action/doing something about it realistically (through effort) and help their own future instead.

They’re easily discouraged by set backs too, especially the financial/circumstantial kinds. Any kinds of upsets/mishaps or challenges that comes from those areas makes them spiral directly into despair. That’s why they lack self-discipline somewhat--bc they themselves can’t ‘hold up’ their moods against slight disappointment/challenges made against them.

(A way to help is to learn perseverance, consistency. Look towards Taurus/Earth signs for help. Since they can be dedicated/stead-fast, but lets you have your own autonomy if ONLY you learn how to actually open up and ask them for help without feeling ‘shitty/guilty’ about doing it)  

Another thing they do is just kinda, try to relieve the pressure/tension so they ‘lighten’ it up. One of these coping mechanism can be making it into a joke/divert it away from the severity of the situation 

(It’s not that severe you’ll get along fine with how you are, it’s just-- you’re always going to be stuck in your own ways and always anxious if you don’t gain any stable grounds for yourself too yknow?)

They can sometimes just think of ‘taking action/actually committing to something’ as being personal attacks, and anyone who tries to suggest/teach them to do this is lashed out against bc it ‘restricts their luck/optimism’ (again, their self-preservation and first priority is always their freedom/autonomy and that comes in the territory of ‘mood’ as well. Unable to take any other ‘mood’ other than light and airy, sometimes thinking of things as ‘learning how to cope/accept different moods for yourself and be ok with working on it’ can help) 

Sagittarius/Gemini person have plenty of extroverted/playful persona, someone knows Whats up with people bc they aren’t afraid to dive into it/ask about it. 

That’s like-- the ‘smooth’ persona they use to get by y know? it’s their extroverted persona instead of-- actually doing something for themselves that binds/balance both sides together and actually help lesson their anxiety at it’s core fear. Which is what they kinda have to realize (that it’s all interconnected) 

In a way they can just--- fear not being optimistic and actually having to be ‘down’ about something because the ‘reality’ of their fear is just that. 

Part of them might just be afraid of how others sees them, if they aren’t going to be ‘good’ to themselves/others anymore bc they’re less optimistic than before.

Bounded by the same rules as others (societal expectations/longevity of life). They’d rather ‘represent’ something else-- hope, optimism, but y know. Same problem anyways. The anxiety and ‘diversion’ from the norm will only make them feel like they can’t ever....actually face their problems/starting at ground 0 again (feels like it’s too late to start, which is-- a part of their fear again) 

I think--- hmm, the thing that might help Sagittarius/Gemini is to just take it simply. They’re the type of person who likes to taste, to explore a large variety of experience, themes, hobbies, life. But they’re unaware that they’re pretty constrained in their-- well, emotional health? Their moods?

They take what they want, preach but doesn’t learn as much as they think they do. They’re selective in what they want to learn about, what they’re ‘ready’ for. And sometimes-- the hardest lesson in life is learning the things that are ‘truthful’ and ‘helpful’ which might not be-- all fun and nice all the times.

By learning the values in hard lessons, in accepting the sober and uncomfortable ‘moods’-- they’ll be much better adapted at handling/dealing with their anxious energy as well. 

Ok that’s-- that’s very heavy, let’s move onto some other stuff!

These people are Chatty, but like...has so much going on they need some time away too skdnfksn

Sagittarius/Gemini sometimes feel like their mouth/brain moves faster than what they can control (causes restlessness/frustration)...so if they leave themselves to like, socialize for more than 24 hrs at a time they’re going to come back going ‘oh god why did i say that/what have i done’

Frustration at themselves for oversharing/hit-the-wall feeling of having nothing left to share??? Mutable energy has so much energy that it often makes their strongest ‘frustration’ letting themselves ‘go’ too much 

(Because if they have ‘nothing left to share’ then that only means they’ll have to be repetitive and god they hate that. It’s not new/fresh and it’s not-- it’s not contributing to anything)

Thus why they seek to sometimes hide themselves away, be away from people in order to y know-- gather resources/energy to NOT be too much/expend their energy too much on the outside (and also lowkey to not Make a Fool also)

This is from an outsider’s perspective but also like....I’m always conscious thinking about Gemini as the Twin and it’s not just one side to them y know

I think we tend to think Gemini as being extroverted all the time when it’s not usually like that. They’re the twin...it’s a cycle... there’s two sides to the coin that needs to be processed

Their energy works in a cycle, continuous and moving, the twin isn’t just speaking out-loud/alone, it’s speaking/looping between two people. 

If they don’t spend enough time thinking/gaining resource/fuel they over-share because they over-exert themselves....when they spend too much time internalizing/adding things onto their resources they get frustrated, restless, antsy and wants to ‘explode’ this onto social realm

So it’s like....they gotta be in a ‘Moment’ where they can both gain resources/information and process/drop the information in a continuous cycle -- quicker, constant, faster y know (Mercurial sign) 

Instead of ‘stopping’ the motion and ‘pacing’ themselves-- the Sagittarius/Gemini is all about working at a faster pace than the one the world moves at....the one that if ‘man-made’ or controlled, would be detrimental to them

It’s a mixture of Sagittarius fire impulses, ‘doing’ things making them feel productive (and so not depriving them of those gratification by dropping them slower than normal) and then Gemini being naturally fast moving already-- being able to gather large (jupiter) information and then process them/cycling them through (release- mercury) is how they gain gratification/work perfectly in balance with themselves

Thing is-- they work --- super fast, faster than most people operate so it can be hard for others to keep up and keep them stimulated all the time

That’s ok, since Sagittarius/Gemini wouldn’t mind talking to just -- like, anyone. When they need to anyways. With great communicative ability, eloquence and friendliness/open-ness to them, they make others feel welcomed to talk. Even when they’re normally quiet/with-drawn mostly bc the Sagittarius/Gemini keeps the conversation going for them.

The thing is, Sagittarius/Gemini may rarely keep anyone around. Or rather, they sometimes ‘forget’ about people sometimes bc they move along so quickly and boldly-- and they judge others based on the interactions they’ve had, whether they’ve ‘stuck’ around in their mind or not. So it’s--- it can be kind of hard to think these people would belong anywhere, find anyone they truly stay ‘stuck’ with unless the person would be able to listen to them/keep up with them mentally a lot of the time.

Also these people aren’t afraid to be eccentric, they have good judgement. It might be a lil quirky or different, but Jupiter/Mercury never find joy in the TOTALLY conventional anyways.

And if they like something, they just-- keep doing it, keep pursuing it because it gives them stimuli (hobbies/interest) although they can have a large array of interests--as long as they’re ‘doing’ something physically with it they can keep themselves engaged/make it into a quantifiable project (see the results: the multitude of their craft/project at the end and look back on themselves like ‘wow i did this all in this year’) 

That’s the thing isn’t it? They like seeing quantifiable ‘proof’ that they did something productive (fire moon-physical proof) -- they like to see that, although they are careless and forgetful sometimes. They did amount to something in the end.

It all comes down to-- y know, learning lessons. self-discipline. because you can’t keep closing your eyes, blinding painting random swatches and hoping it’ll turn out into something manifestable/painting that’s ‘oh thats better than expected!’ all the time y know. (you can’t keep seeing disasterous results as ‘aw thats ok :(( maybe next time’ when you’re just?? depending on luck?? to get by???)

Anyways, I hope I didn’t go in too hard ;;  💕💕💕Hope you gain some insights from this! 💕💕

[ittakesrain]

Track Your Shit

I sat on the couch in my psychiatrist’s office with my arms crossed and steam billowing out of my ears.

“Are you on cocaine?” he asked without a hint of sarcasm.

“No,” I shot back, completely bewildered but appropriately defensive.

“Then you’re bipolar.”

Yup. That was how I was diagnosed.  And to my memory, that was really the only major piece of information my psychiatrist gave me that day.  There was no supplemental information given to me, no sort of enlightenment or introduction into the all-consuming project that would be managing my difficult and sometimes debilitating condition, and I left the office with what felt like a really random label and a higher dose of Abilify.  I was nineteen years old, I was a chemistry major in college, I’d kicked the hell out of an eating disorder, and I was bipolar. The facts didn’t matter too much. Right?

Over the next several years, I really didn’t hear the word “bipolar” all too frequently, in or out of my psychiatrist’s office, despite the increasingly, uh, intense fluctuations in my moods and energy as well as steadily growing anxiety and irritability. Weird, am I right? For a diagnosis that impacts pretty much all aspects of a person’s life, in one way or another, to not be mentioned nearly enough times? There are more fitting words, but sure, we’ll go with ‘weird.’

By the time I graduated college, I knew my diagnosis was playing a larger role in my life that I originally assumed it would.  I started keeping track of when I took my meds (and with that tried not to miss any doses). I recorded my moods more frequently.  I did some cursory research into my disorder. And I finally started noticing patterns in my cycle and knew to watch out for specific warning signs.  And mind you, doing all of that was a pretty big accomplishment for someone who was given virtually no guidance. Not to mention a medication regime that was significantly lacking.

The first thing I realized was that my episodes often began with feeling “emotionally itchy,” or “like I want to rip my face off” and “jump out of my skin and out of who I am as a person.” Thanks to the knowledge I have now, I can use different language to describe what actually goes on as I inch ever closer to a major episode. I become incredibly irritable and experience what’s called “dysphoric mania.”  I have the racing thoughts and flight of ideas that come with manic episodes, meaning my brain is running at a million miles a minute and I can’t keep myself focused on one idea long enough to think it through, but it’s not what anyone would call a happy feeling (not that mania is to be confused with mere happiness). In my dysphoric state, I have too much energy, so much so that it physically hurts me as it swells from within me and threatens to burst open at any second.  I often cut myself in such a state because I need the assumed and metaphorical emotional release as well as the physical release of endorphins in response to injury.

Then I began to see that if I missed my meds for any period of time longer than a day or two, I felt the effects about two weeks later. If I forgot (or “forgot”) to take my Abilify for let’s say a full week, I’d be in the middle of a relentless and torturous depression in about fourteen days. Sidenote, I shouldn’t have missed ANY days of meds, but lo and behold, I wasn’t exactly warned all too well against it. But to see a pattern, to determine the cause of a specific (and dramatic) dip in my moods, was hugely influential in my life. Not to mention, it brought me to google how the medication I was prescribed actually works. And, spoiler, every single human being who is prescribed any medication at all should be aware of what the fucking medication does and how it works and all of that. Seriously. So important. Turns out Abilify is “long acting” and takes about two weeks to leave my system.

Furthermore, Abilify is a type of drug called an “atypical antipsychotic.” Those types of drugs are frequently used as mood stabilizers. They’re the second generation of drugs that you’ve probably seen being used on dramatic medical shows or movies about psychiatric hospitals that knock people who are acting “insane” out. They’re used as tranquilizers. Haldol is an example of one that works fast and Thorazine is an example of one that works somewhat slower. Those are called typical antipsychotics. Atypicals like Abilify have fewer side effects. They work to influence serotonin (the neurotransmitter sometimes called the “happy molecule”) as opposed to blocking signals from dopamine (the “pleasure and reward” neurotransmitter).

Right. So as you see I’ve become fairly well-versed in the goings-on of impending episodes and the key pieces of information surrounding them. Again, this is phenomenally helpful. But my point is that I should have been given this information from the get-go. I should’ve been prepared and taught, should’ve been armed with education given to me by a human being who knew what the fuck was happening to me and how bad it would potentially get if I didn’t have the fucking said information! I got there myself, and I’m damn proud of myself for doing so. And it still brings me peace of mind and a sense of control to research bipolar disorder, and learn new things about treatments and meds and biochemistry, and to work through my recorded moods and symptoms to find existing patterns or warnings. But for fuck’s sake, why wasn’t I told about the importance of recording the fluctuations or about psychoeducation as a tremendously powerful tool?

Alright alright, not going to continue dwelling on the past and how I was royally screwed (at least not in this particular blog post). Because as I look to the future, I know things will at the very least make more sense. I’ll at least be able to understand this bullshit and from there hopefully combat it better.

Which brings me to a few months ago as I began to embark on a new and more um, intense journey of self-discovery and understanding –which, in turn, is allowing me to feel significantly less dread about my eventual (and inevitable?) next episodes. It started when I wound up in the emergency room for the first time in October 2018 when a depressive episode took a terrible turn for the worse. I was 27 years old and at the end of my rope. Exhausted from years of worsening symptoms and my cries for help going unheard, my begging and pleading remaining unnoticed, I collapsed into chaotic despair.

The good that came from that particular visit to rock bottom was that I subsequently found a therapist (no, I hadn’t been in therapy previously and yes, that was really dumb) who is literally the coolest person ever, in addition to being really fucking good at what she does. And a few months after that, my amazing therapist helped me find a better psychiatrist, and from there we all began the arduous task of getting my act together and trying to stabilize the shitshow of my life.

As it turns out, since I was on a medication that didn’t do much for me for such a long time, my bipolar disorder was able to “mature.” To further develop and overall just get worse. Literally look it up. It’s a known thing that bipolar worsens if left untreated, and I absolutely feel that mine at the very least wasn’t being treated properly. Lucky me.

But since beginning to see my therapist in November and my new medication provider in February, I’ve learned like, so so so much. I know to stop and breathe when I start to get worked up, because I know I have gone for long periods of time without inhaling and exhaling like a functioning human. I know that I fidget around and repeat purposeless motions (“display signs of psychomotor agitation”) because it comforts me when I’m anxious. I know I have issues with control, with the desire to feel safe, with things that aren’t fair.

Also. Insomnia is a huge red flag for me and for the majority of bipolars. It’s both a symptom of approaching mania and a trigger for it. Meaning, when you start staying up all night long, you’ve gotta find a way to get some sleep before it gets worse and leads to an episode. It also means that you can’t voluntarily pull all-nighters (if you can help it) because that might land you in the middle of a manic break as well. And as if that wouldn’t suck enough, a despairing depression would most certainly follow the agitated (hypo)mania.

Alcohol is another one. Now, I’m not huge on drinking. I never partook in any of that before I was of legal age anyway (which is perhaps a testament to my nerdy younger self haha), and once I started drinking, I had trouble getting past the gross taste. I still do. But when I drink as an adult (which I haven’t done in a few months, mind you), I drink to get fucked up. So basically, I drink in a way that’s literally terrible for my bipolar. It’s a cycle, too.  I’ll have a bad day and come home and take five shots of fireball, and I get shitfaced so I have a terrible day the next day. It’s similar to insomnia in that it perpetuates itself and that I’ve gotta be responsible about it.

[On that note, by the way, I should say that maintaining stability involves quite a few key things (such as sleep hygiene, med compliance, the nutrition you fuel your body with, the way you move your body, being mindful and having the ability to focus on breathing, following pre-set routines, your support system, your coping skills and crisis-management tools, and your healthcare professionals…to name a few). It’s imperative to keep up with each thing to prevent all hell from breaking loose.]

I’ve also come to see that, for whatever reason, my major episodes usually have a definitive end but not a clearcut start. As in, I can identify the specific day my depression ends, but the irritability and frenetic energy and aggressive outbursts start out kind of slowly and increase steadily until my moods surrender into despondent melancholy. At this point, I believe the phenomena has to do with my tendency to ruminate and nearly drown in repetitive thoughts. I really struggle with redirecting my brain away from negatives. It could also be because of my coexisting ADHD, but either way, I can’t knock myself out of a bad mood as easily as most people can. So even something small going wrong has the potential to send me spiraling. I can’t think myself out of it. But I can easily make it worse –by ruminating and letting the negatives repeat like a broken record in my head. The decline, therefore, moves like a ball rolling down a ramp. On the opposite end of a “crazy spell” (as I called them way back in the day before I learned all this enlightening information) we have the ball being yanked back up as if it was attached to a string or something. As in, something good can happen that completely “snaps me out” of a major depression. It’s wild to think about. Like, fuck, why can’t more good things happen? Maybe then I’d spend less time wanting to die. I have, however, come to learn how to put myself in the line of things that have the potential to knock me off the crazy train. File that under “bitchin’ coping skills.”

Thanks to psychoeducation, I’ve also come to understand some of my personality traits. I’ve often called myself “volatile.” I fly off the handle fairly quickly, I accelerate from zero to 100 faster than the Kinga Ka roller coaster at Six Flags. My therapist calls it being reactive, and I prefer that phrasing now. My reactivity is part of my personality, but I understand it more clearly by looking at it through the lens of what I know about bipolar disorder. Similarly, in addition to reacting more, I react bigger. I guess some people might call it being dramatic, but again, I prefer to think of it in terms of how my therapist explained it: I’m wired intensely. I feel things in a bigger way. She once said something along the lines of “you can light up a city with your emotions,” and I don’t think she used the word emotions, but that was the gist. My intensity if a part of who I am. And honestly, as much as it can be super annoying and anxiety-producing, it’s not all bad and I choose to label it as a good thing.

Oh, and I pretty much knew this already, but I like to write/type because in my bipolar brain, the thoughts move more quickly than my mouth can move. It causes me to stutter, or stumble over my words, or lose my train of thought because I didn’t say something the right way and I can’t make my mouth move in a way to correct myself because I have fifteen thousand other thoughts flying through my mind and I can’t focus on any of it now. I exhibit pressured speech. Oh yeah, that’s one of my faves.

Thanks to psychoeducation, I’ve learned why I cling to my routines with a death-grip. Doing so is legitimately helpful to people with bipolar. Which is why going on vacation or starting a new job or a new chapter in life can throw bipolar people off in such grand ways. Circadian rhythms are screwy in us. We need to work hard to keep that shit in check. And the sleep-wake cycle and yes, routines, are part of that.

Okay then. With all of this knowledge being attained and a few more trips to rock bottom (and the emergency room) since October 2018…here I am. Still holding on, and doing better at that holding than I have in a while. A month and a half of normalcy without anything rocking the boat? I feel pretty damn good, thank you very much.

Oddly enough, stability can be just as scary for me as the complete and utter chaos of the rest of it. Like, now I have no excuses for not moving forward. Ugh, I have to move forward. But ya know what, I will. Because I’ve got the bipolar symptoms under control at the moment. There’s really nothing stopping me, so I’m sure as hell not gonna stop me.

Keeping records is absolutely fucking necessary. I’ve got no choice but to record my moods, anxiety, and irritability. I’ve gotta take my meds every fucking day and keep track of if I ever miss a day (which I shouldn’t). I need to write down other factors that play a role, such as my periods and when I have therapy and life stressors and stuff like that.

It’s taken, holy shit, so much work to acquire the awareness I currently have. And moving forward will require consistently working on what I know and actively seeking more information. But dude, I’ve come this far. I’m not gonna stop now.

[fairycosmos]

TRIGGER WARNING : I know you're not a psychiatrist tbh I just need to vent and I really like you so yea, I've come to the conclusion that I am what everyone thought I was which is a lazy little bitch using depression and suicidal thoughts as an excuse to be lazy I use to feel guilty but idc anymore it just shows there's no hope for me at all the only problem is I don't have the guts to shoot myself in the head and it's the last option I have Im sorry I just don't know who to turn to

hey dude. i’m sorry to hear you’re hurting so much right now. i know it’s a complex and personal issue that words alone can’t solve, but i still hope you’re open to some comfort, some alternative narratives to center your thoughts around. and idk just a few words from someone who can understand to an extent....i think first and foremost it’s a good idea to ask yourself, when you’re in the right state of mind to, where all of this self loathing is actually coming from. whether it’s grounded in anything substantial. it’s important to remember that a massive part of depression is feeling like you’re faking, over-exaggerating, using it as an excuse etc. i’ve heard a lot of people with mental illness echo the same sentiment. and the fact that you feel this way, so violently negatively towards yourself, indicates that you ARE struggling with a much deeper problem. but we’re taught to overlook it and to blame ourselves, partially due to society’s attitude regarding mental illness. in short we’re conditioned to feel like we’re lazy and worthless if we can’t produce labor and profit, or if something prevents us from doing so, but that’s merely a capitalist myth. those around you have internalized its message and are now projecting it onto you. but now that you recognize that fact, you can begin dismantling that belief system in your own head. cause in actuality, it’s got nothing to do with you or your value as a person. it’s the system that’s the issue, and the way it sees human life as nothing more than a means to an end, when people are so much more than that. you are so much more than that. you’re not here to constantly please everyone or to be some emotionless machine. so anyone who was judging you by that standard is fkn deluded and their opinion doesn’t hold much weight to begin with. then there’s also the stigma surrounding depression itself. people who’ve never experienced it don’t get how debilitating it is to live with. how it doesn’t just prevent people from working, how it prevents people from progressing in all areas of their lives when it’s left unacknowledged. which is why the answer isn’t to hurt yourself, it’s to admit to what hurts. this isn’t a matter of personal failure, or of laziness. it’s an illness, something that needs to be confronted head on with time, treatment, and self help in order to move beyond it. it’s just as serious as any physical ailment, but you don’t have to beg anyone to understand that.  you’re going through so much just by getting through the day and the fact that you’re still here counts for so much. i promise, you are not your negative thoughts. your mind is just trying to get you to stay in the cycle of self hatred > self destruction > self hatred so that you feel more discouraged and less likely to seek the support you need, even though that could be the one thing that would break the repetitive pattern. idk who made you believe that you are this bad and unforgivable person but i hope you know that it is genuinely, truly possible to grow beyond that way of thinking. it may take time, and it may feel unreachable right now, but change is honestly constant especially if you seek it out. the way you see yourself in five years will not mirror the way you see yourself now, you know? this is all a process and as long as you’re getting through it, you’re doing so much better than you realize. 

it’s ok to recognize all of that and to still feel like shit, to still feel like giving up sometimes. sadness, anger, pain - they’re exhausting and terrifying, but you don’t have to push those emotions away. though they don’t have to control all of your actions either. because they’re never as permanent as they feel. part of being suicidal is thinking in a black and white fashion, where everything has to be all or nothing. but it doesn’t. there’s a lot of nuance and a lot of different choices you can make, if you just breathe and keep yourself in a safe environment above all else. like i said, you’re living with an illness and bad days are a natural part of that. but having the tools to be able to cope with them in a healthy way could make all the difference. and that IS an option for you, even if you can’t see it right now. are you currently seeing a mental health professional? if not, i’d really really suggest looking into that before you make any permanent and heavy handed decisions about whether or not it’s worth it to stay alive. seriously, even if you’re unable to see a therapist at the moment - there are depression/suicide hotlines you can call who can help you with the next step, there may be support groups in your area, your doctor may be able to refer you to a counselor. you are capable of reaching out, as proven with this message, which is a really good sign. and building routines around personal self help and finding what works for you would be a step in the right direction, too. there is so much that can be done in terms of identifying what you feel the way you feel, relearning how to treat yourself, developing a support network over a period of time, opening up to make room to heal - it’s possible. i promise it is. it’s possible to live a full, stable life that you’re proud of despite having depression. if you have any trusted loved ones, now may also be a good time to talk to them about whats going on. i’m sure they want to have the chance to be there for you, and it’s alright to lean on them when you need it. you’re clearly in a very emotional state right now so i don’t blame you if you can’t bring yourself to believe me, but i hope it’s an idea you can keep revisiting. because really what my main point is, is that you deserve to stay alive regardless the fact that you’re dealing with a mental illness. i don’t want to sound cliche but it’s true that nothing would be the same without you, that you’re here for a reason (which you fulfill every day, just by being who you are) and that your presence is far more precious than you know. i’m sorry you were made to feel any different. you get this one life and i would really hate to see you do something you could regret over situations and feelings that can be helped. you are not beyond hope, you are not a lost cause. especially if you live your life as if you’re not. you still exist and that means there are a million different ways things could turn out, the future is ever changing. the present is all you need to worry about. it’s just another symptom of depression to catastrophize and picture everything ending in the worst case scenario, which is something that can also be helped with therapy/practicing mindfulness. anyway, i’m aware that this is getting super long and i’m going to leave some links that may be of some use to you in terms of follow up support, but i’m really begging you. no matter how awful you feel tonight, just allow yourself to breathe through it. cry through it. call someone if it all feels like too much. keep yourself away from anything you could use to harm yourself with. and then wake up tomorrow knowing you have the chance to try again, knowing that that is a good thing, knowing that this moment is not what your whole existence is going to look like. please, please call someone if you think you’re a danger to yourself. even if you have to pick up the phone on autopilot. you mean so much. im sending you a lot of love and hoping you find the self appreciation you deserve. if you ever need a friend please feel free to message me. you’re not on this alone.

https://faq.whatsapp.com/general/security-and-privacy/global-suicide-hotline-resources/

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/depression/coping-with-depression.htm

https://www.mentalhealth.org.nz/get-help/a-z/resource/50/suicide-coping-with-suicidal-thoughts

https://medium.com/@sameoldzen/finding-intrinsic-self-worth-in-a-capitalist-system-7069be072b5b

https://serenitymentalhealthcenters.com/31-coping-skills-for-depression/

[cummunication]

The craziest people I know (don’t go to therapy)

Therapy... I have an appointment today actually. I’ve been going for the last ten years. I first started seeing the school psychologist, going to my YFS center (youth and family services). I started going more regularly after my father died which was perfect since I would go during my lunch period. I had nobody to sit with at lunch so it was a perfect excuse to go. I began receiving outside counseling in eleventh or twelfth grade, once a week. At this point I was a minor so my mom paid. Now as an adult, I am thankful my mom brought me and paid because I see how inconvenient it can be and how it adds up. Even though most therapists accept insurance, some don’t. Even with insurance you can be paying 65$ up every time which is usually once or twice a week. That being said, I truly believe the best and most important thing we can invest in is ourselves and therapy is worth it. Therapy is being brought into the open which I’m very happy with but still, there is a stigma attached to counseling. The first thought most people have when they hear you are in therapy is “what’s wrong with them? Are they mentally unstable? Or, why do they need therapy?” People associate receiving help as something wrong with you or you can’t handle yourself. This is simply not true. The most mentally sane (or emotionally healthy people) are in therapy, receiving help for their issues. This is because they are open minded and willing to admit their flaws. They are ready to be proactive and willing to better themselves. I firmly believe everyone should be in therapy. Therapy isn’t just a useful tool where you receive an honest, outside opinion from a professional, but a time to be truthful with yourself, reflect, and gain useful insight. It’s immensely helpful in learning emotional intelligence and how to deal with feelings. Sometimes, when I suggest therapy to people, they say “I don’t need it, I’m not crazy” and to be completely honest, these are the people who need therapy the most. They are close minded, in denial and not willing or ready to deal with their shit. We all have things we should be willing to face, change and improve in ourselves. It’s not just people who have a diagnosable mental health disorder or went through a trauma that should go to therapy. I also hear therapy is “paying someone to be your friend”. This makes me sad because yes, like any other service, therapy is a business; but people who enter the human services, social work or psychology field are generally empathic people who truly care and want to help you. “If I go to a therapist, does that mean I'm crazy, weak or a failure? What will others think? What if I'm seen coming out of that kind of office? Such concerns are quite natural given our socio-cultural conditioning. Unfortunately, as a result, many people decide not to pursue counseling despite experiencing significant emotional, physical or mental distress. Let's clarify a few things. Most people who initiate counseling do not have a serious mental illness. They have serious life challenges or are going through difficult life-cycle transitions that may be taxing their current ability to cope. This, in turn, may be adversely affecting their well-being and ability to function as well as they would like. Examples of serious life challenges can be dealing with chronic work-related stressors; career issues; financial problems; health issues or a recent health diagnosis; family or parent/child conflict; cultural assimilation; and academic issues. Examples of difficult life-cycle related transitions can be the death of a family member or friend; the ending of a romantic relationship or close friendship; family/couple changes related to the addition of a child; getting married or divorced; care giving for loved ones due to illness or disability; and decision-making challenges related to these life choices. These are just some of the reasons why people decide to go to counseling. So, if you are going through one or more of these challenges at the same time, you're not alone. The effects are often cumulative, which is generally referred to as a 'pile-up' of stressors. Counseling during these times can be quite helpful in providing both the support and skills to better address these life challenges. Ultimately, it is an invaluable investment in your emotional, physical and mental health, an act of courage not weakness, and a gift to those whose lives you touch. But what if you’re not in a moment of “disaster relief?” Surprisingly, the best time to start therapy may be when your life’s going relatively well. Despite the fact that more than 59 million Americans seek the services of a mental health care professional each year, there’s a stigma that therapy is only for people suffering a debilitating mental illness or going through a massive interpersonal issue. The benefits of therapy extend far beyond periods of crisis. Many people want more than to be ‘not depressed.’ They wonder what they can do to be the happiest, most productive, most loving version of themselves. Because achieving your full potential requires a heck of a lot of self-knowledge, self-control, and—let’s be honest—hard work, it’s best done when you’re not in freak-out mode. What’s more, if there’s an issue in your life that’s causing you distress, it’s better to deal with it sooner than later. Over time, minor difficulties can bloom into disasters that have you hitting the tissue box hard. But the earlier you go to therapy and engage in introspection, the better off you are in the long run. The benefit of seeing a mental health professional is that it’s literally their job to reserve judgment and guide you toward what’s best for you. Whatever your decision, keep in mind that people’s resistance to your pursuit of mental health typically comes from their own fears: If you’re in therapy, it must mean they should be too. Or if you’re in therapy, you’ll change in a way that makes you less willing to be friends (or romantic partners) with them. Therapy simply allows it to happen with less trauma. While therapy can help remove the wool from your eyes, it won’t create problems where there were none to begin with. If you (rationally) determine you’re not in the right place—career-wise, romance-wise, or otherwise—congratulations! You’ve just identified a buried source of suffering. And by clarifying the origin(s) of your distress, you’re that much closer to living an authentically happy life. The most common types of therapy include cognitive behavioral, psychodynamic, family, and group. Whether you’re looking for a quick(ish) fix to a bad habit, anxiety issue, or phobia, or you’re just interested in some serious soul-searching (“What’s my life’s purpose?” “Why do I keep doing ____ in romantic relationships?”) there’s a therapy that’s waiting for you. Therapy isn’t supposed to eradicate all sadness, anger, frustration, or other negative emotions (envy, embarrassment, self-doubt, etc.). And thank goodness! Because often those tough emotions serve as an internal cue—if you’re listening. That’s where therapy comes in. It’s there to help you learn how to sit with, accept, and not be debilitated by these feelings—all while cultivating self-awareness. The result? You’ll be able to tune in and make choices that make the most sense for you. Rather than achieving perpetual bliss, the end result of therapy is to confidently navigate your life off the proverbial couch.” Also there are many excuses people will make to avoid or get out of therapy. I don’t have the time or money is a big one. What’s more, there are many free or low-cost support options, from hot lines to help groups. Those interested can visit the National Alliance on Mental Illness’s website for more resources. You can also check with your health care insurer to find a professional in your network, or search for practitioners in your area online. Or, if you’re a student, contact your campus health center. “Keep in mind that it’s important to find a therapist you “click” with. Often, this can mean trying out a few different providers before settling on the one who feels right for you. Therapy isn’t just for moments of earth-shattering personal tragedies. It can also be useful in reorienting yourself toward your true wants and needs, training yourself in the art of self-compassion, and better understanding, respecting, and communicating your feelings. And—surprise—it’s often easier to pursue these goals when you’re not wrestling bigger, darker obstacles. So consider this your permission to give therapy a try, even if your life is going hunky-dory. Your future self may just look back and say, “Thanks!”