#I think part of this is my friends having trouble seeing nuance or understanding things in terms that arent black and white

[cartoonghosts]

I feel like a lot of my friends have a tendency to see me as the human irl equivalent of their 'sad blorbo'- I can do no wrong, I must be protected, I am so anxious and sad and need help and obviously I am never at fault in any situation. This is partially my fault, I do choose what parts of myself I show to people, but like... im 1) literally just a person who can be not great sometimes and 2) very capable of hurting people both on purpose and out of fear/unintentionally (as unintentional as a cornered animal biting someone whos trying to save it from the corner). Im fine with it but it does mean that their advice for me tends to be 'wow that other person must suck so much!! Whats their number so I can yell at them' or 'oh my god your mom sucks and your household is abusive I hope she dies' and its like. That is not in fact the whole picture. Obvs I dont make the whole picture particularly clear to people but like. You know me. I am violent and angry and I target people aggressively, and even when im not going after someone to take my anger out I still have the muscle memory of saying something to get into a fight, to start something, to hurt people. I am often literally just. The problem. Again like not entirely, ofc my family situation isnt my fault, but when Im taking responsibility for a situation or something falling apart people tend to just start very stubbornly defending me to myself. I get that they think its just self hatred but I promise my self hatred is very obvious and its not 'hey I fucked up, advice?'

everyone around me has the unfortunate condition of Believing Everything I Say About People and therefore they always end up 1) wanting to murder my mother and 2) getting hella pissed at my actual close friends bc they interpret me being too scared of them to tell them about my issues and taking it entirely upon myself to fix our problems as something THEYVE done instead of me just being a bit of a mess

[savagewildnerness]

O Earthly Lestat, I see now the trouble I’m going to have with S3 is I may have to defend Nicolas a lot…. And I don’t even know how he’ll be written for TV. But I know he means too much to me, and that’s just that. In a way Nicolas means the most to me. Not that he means more to me than Lestat. But that the elements of Nicolas that I relate to (& importantly as you can never get over this feeling - that I related to as a 12-year-old) I cannot think of any other instance in literature or any other fictional character I could relate to or who so exactly articulated something about me. And so I cannot help but always fight for Nicki 100% (even though I am not like Nicki in all ways.)

I want to CLARIFY! This is not some “Nicolas was Lestat’s actual great love” point of view in ANY WAY! LOUIS, is Lestat’s great love!

But this is: Nicolas loved Lestat. It wasn’t only Lestat who loved Nicki. And Nicolas loving Lestat enabled Lestat to love Louis.

I find it beautiful. YES, Nickistat ended AWFULLY! (And that there was mutual love makes it all the more tragic and beautiful to me!) But I just need to say here…

People acknowledge how much of Louis’ words in IWTV are shaded by his own struggles…. So I can’t understand why so many people seem to take Nicolas’ words in his final argument with Lestat (by which point, with whatever nuance you cut it, Nicolas is as described by EVERYONE as a mad vampire, his mind lost!) as 100% his always-truth!!!?! I just cannot comprehend it!!!?! I’d love if anyone would like to explain how you can see it that way, especially after reading the actual way Nicolas was pre-Paris, in Paris, when Lestat was stolen away… all until the moment he witnesses Lestat be shot. THEN it shifts for Nicki!

I’m also not one for blaming Armand for Nicki’s demise. The tragedy of Nicolas is, Lestat is very responsible for Nicolas’ demise, and simultaneously all Lestat did, he did through love. There are a thousand ways Nicki’s tragic demise is Shakespearean inevitable resonance… and yet…

But yeah, it’s actually primarily because of his music & things around his music that Nicki matters so much to me. But nevertheless, he matters & I shall fight for him!!! Lestat and Nicki's conversation matters deeply to me too, and what Nicki is for Lestat in that conversation. But where I connect with Nicki is in his music and how he feels about his music. I personally connect with Lestat's worldview on the other hand. Although in my personality, I am my self, of course, I also relate to some elements of each of them.

The thing with Nicolas I suppose for me though is there are various aspects of his self I relate to that I have never felt anywhere else except in my own self. Not in fiction & not in anyone I have ever known in reality either. And I guess that’s why I will always fight for him. Also, because most people should understand Lestat - we’re so in his heart & head 💛. But we don’t hear the story from Nicolas’ point of view, yet for me, at times it is like he is absolutely in my own mind & heart or I am in his, or it’s the same thing in some odd way I can’t quite articulate. I feel seen by him, and I see him. I understand some parts of him, reflecting how by existing in fiction, he has understood me.

Back to Nicolas. He kept Lestat’s dressing room at Renaud’s as a literal shrine to Lestat. He fought with his friends over Lestat’s moral integrity after Lestat went missing. Even when Lestat was gone, Nicki was still loving him, fighting for him, staying at Renaud’s, wearing rings Lestat sent him. If he felt as he said in his final argument, why did Nicolas even stay working at Renaud's at all? Why was Nicolas so distressed when Lestat sent him lots of money and gifts but didn't ever contact him?

I just list these things, which are just a few ways we see Nicki's feelings through his concrete actions. Nicolas truly did resent Lestat in the end. Just as Lestat couldn’t stand the sight of vampire Nicolas. But even that doesn’t negate love.

Mortal Nicolas DESPERATELY needed Lestat’s light. Vampire Nicki doesn’t. And I see his cruelty in the final argument (while not being entirely absent of truth) as being partly founded in love…. Nicki knows the dark thing he now is & he knows, even in his addled mind Lestat won’t leave him… and he knows Lestat. He knows Lestat must leave him or he’ll take Lestat to his death with him.

It’s ok that love was once & isn’t eternal. It’s ok that Nicki’s love for Lestat did exist, but turned to hate & yet was never entirely lost. It’s ok that Lestat’s love for Nicki never diminished even though he couldn’t stand the sight of him as a vampire. These things don’t negate love. Hate can be part of love. It’s ok that their worldviews were fundamentally different. It’s ok they were not each other’s eternal loves. There was love. Deep and mutual love.

As I see it, we can accept & enjoy that they BOTH loved each other, and that fact only deepens Loustat.

By which time, Nicolas is long dead.

But I genuinely believe when they were mortal, Nicolas’ love for all of Lestat (even when envying him too!) meant Lestat could later love the all of Louis so unconditionally, as he had been loved that way before.

It’s an unpopular opinion, I know. But it’s mine. I express it with acknowledgment I can’t be objective about Nicolas. But that doesn’t lessen the strength of my truth!

In all honesty… we are all subjective humans. Can we be objective about any fictional character we have an emotional connection with?

And that’s the crux of it: when you CARE so much, ultimately it’s about whatever truth you need.

Maybe we ought to think on this on all of our favourite characters & imagine how it might apply to others for any character we love less unconditionally ourselves…?

[onigiriforears]

After approx. 2-3 months of studying Japanese I started to read free graded readers online and then graduated to a collection of short stories that I purchased off of Amazon. I thought that the reason I was starting to have trouble understanding sentences was because I didn't know enough vocabulary but it was because I neglected grammar completely. It was sorta drilled into my head off of Youtube creators to just study kanji, vocab and simple sentences as much as possible before even touching grammar. I feel absolutely lost, dude. I am at the 5 month mark now. I can "breeze through" kanji for the most part. (as in, I can actually retain it in a decent amount of time) I decided to study grammar about a week ago. It is SO FREAKING HARD. I don't know if there's something wrong with me or what. I don't know if it's supposed to feel like what I thought I knew is being ripped apart at the seams, stapled together, and then torn apart again....but it does.

Do you have any tips for learning grammar? Is this feeling normal? Can you tell me when the pressure in my skull will subside? I am using Bunpro's free trial but I'm unsure if this tool will actually help me. I write tons of notes to flip through but I still fail to give them the nuanced answer they're looking for. I really enjoy the setup of Bunpro and I want to like it since it's similar to WK but I'm not sure if I'm going too fast or there's a better way to learn. I stopped learning 5 new grammar points a day and started doing only 2. (I also have Genki I and watch GameGengo. He explains things in a way that's easy for my brain to understand.) Sorry for the long post but any insight would be appreciated. I'm a bit nervous asking people in the language learning community for help or insight because a lot of them treat it as a way to show how fast they learned/1-up others. Tumblr's langlearn community is a lot different with what I've seen (or maybe I'm just following the right ppl lol)

Hi! Thank you so much for waiting for this response--I'm sorry it took so long. Your message was one of the ones that popped up when they locked my ask box (they actually still haven't answered me on why it was locked so 🤷‍♀️). To make up for that, I'm gonna be longwinded because I think that this is a super valid and important question that others may also want to know the answer to!!

Pls pls PLEASE DM me if none of this is helpful or if you'd like to talk more about what you think you need help with!!

I think that sometimes when we're learning a new language that we know is so overwhelmingly different from our own language, we focus on the things that we think will be the main hinderance and sometimes we forget the key points. You might be thinking "how did I forget grammar?" but I would say don't beat yourself up about it! Many of us focus on the things that we think are our problems(--the last time I studied for the JLPT, I focused on my weak point too much and then was frustrated with myself during the exam bc I neglected the other areas.)

I don't want to lie to you and say that learning grammar will is going to get easier because that's not the case for everyone. Think of learning grammar vs everything else as learning different types of math or science--have you ever had a friend that was absolutely phenomenal at algebra or calculus but couldn't do geometry? Or a friend that was wonderful lab partner in chemistry but struggled in biology? They're struggling in biology because it requires a ton of rote memorization in comparison to practical application and math that's present in chemistry and rote memorization may not necessarily be their strong point. Personally, I think that's also why a lot of us struggle with certain grammar points. There are some that just click with us immediately and then there are others that we have to see over and over and over and over and over--you get the point--just for us to find a single sentence with it that we understand. If you're math oriented, we need to figure out a way to no longer make grammar points rote memorization for you, but to turn it into a formula of some sort. I actually write my notes out in ways that are like that--I use plus signs (+) in my notes not because the textbooks use them but because my brain genuinely reads it as "noun + particle + grammar point = a sentence that makes sense" because, for me, formulas don't fail. Your weak point doesn't have to be your weakness--you can turn the weakness into a strength that works just for you.

I've been going at this for years and every single professor or Japanese friend (or even people from the discord server) I have can tell you that I've struggled with pretty much any grammar point that included ~ように--and it wasn't because I wasn't trying, but because I couldn't find myself using any sentences that with those grammar points because I found the alternatives/similar ones to make more sense. Surprisingly, it wasn't until I was reading 夜カフェ for our book club that I was actually able to start grasping the meaning (ngl, I still haven't used it myself--I'm notorious for using alternatives); I was finally witnessing it being used in a way that made sense in my brain.

The frustration you're feeling when you encounter a new grammar point or overload yourself with too many things in one go is completely normal and I promise that a ton of us in the Japanese langblr community have definitely experienced it too! It probably feels like everything you know is being ripped apart because your native language may have a SVO (subject-verb-object) format while Japanese has a SOV (subject-object-verb) format--your 1-to-1 translations for your notes may not be helpful in the beginning because you're still trying to wrap your brain around the fact that your words still need to go in another order than you're used to. And then you add the new grammar points and concepts on top of that (like particles and other things) and it can become overwhelming and frustrating. Sometimes, you're going to find some grammar points just downright annoying--especially when you find that there's no equivalency to it in your own language. But don't give up!

I know this is a super cliché thing to say, but practicing them will help. If you can, I would make note of the grammar points that you're struggling with, try to make sentences with them, and ask somebody to check them and explain exactly why (or why not) they're working and then ask them for examples because they may have an even better way of explaining it to you than what you've come up with for yourself!

I can look back at old notes and see when I wrote a sentence as an example just because a textbook/professor used it but I didn't actually understand why it worked at the time and then I can also find notes where the sentences written as examples were added once I finally found something that clicked for me.

You've already done yourself a favor by learning a lot of vocab, kana, and kanji because now you'll be able to try out an array of ways to pick up grammar instead of just a textbook. (I will make a note that if you're looking to take the JLPT, I would recommend having a list of grammar points that you would need to know for the level that you're planning on sitting for because there's no guarantee of what will or won't pop up on the test.)

Another important thing while you're practicing: be comfortable with making mistakes. We all make them, but when you're learning a new language it's important to be ready to make mistakes and to welcome them with open arms because it gives you a chance to experience and learn in real time.

ALSO: for you specifically--because you're interested in reading, you might enjoy learning grammar through tracking the different grammar points through what you're reading and using the sentences as your examples because they're all going to be cohesive. And if reading books or other things totally turn you off right now, maybe games? Animal Crossing and Pokemon are very nice games to play in Japanese for people that are just starting out! You may also enjoy using Lingo Legend--it's an JRPG language learning app that I beta tested and I think that it's a nice way to review (it has some fun incentives). I'm not a big gamer, so I struggle with learning through games, but I've been picking up a lot of grammar through reading because I focus on finding things that I'm interested in, rather than things that are "at my level." When I start a manga, I will scour a ton of websites and forums and bug a ton of people when I come across a grammar point that I can't wrap my brain around because I want to be able to understand what's going on.

We have book clubs and gamers in my discord server, as well as places for people to post what they're practicing or to ask for help. We have people of all varying levels and different skillsets that love to share their wisdom with others.

I haven't used Bunpro, but I know that @sammilearns has, so she may be able to weigh in on that! And @tokidokitokyo @nihongoseito @chouhatsumimi @kanpeki-bekki @burgeoning-ambition probably also have even more tips that me--I'm trying to tag people that I know we all learn in different ways, so their tips and tricks might be just what you need!

Please weigh in, fellow langblr members! How have you been learning grammar? Are you game-ifying it? Have you turned it into math equations? Have you managed to tie it in with your special interest? I can't wait to see what people add to this post!

[mamuzzy]

— BLACK & WHITE MENTALITY —

Me, as someone with a Borderline Personality Disorder (and probably other I'm still figuring out), am I truly convinced that I’m a very logical person. The logic doesn’t have to make sense to other people, it is enough for me that I know, that there is a logic and deep thought behind everything I say or think. The problem starts when people opposing my logic, and no matter how I try to make my point visible, I will look like this in the end:

It is also a problem in general with Cluster B type personality disorders, because by our logic, we can explain EVERYTHING, why don’t we have to take responsibility for certain things we do or have done. Or worse, we want to take responsibility AND explain, and people will accuse us of wanting to find excuses and we will never meet with understanding.

Ordo can pretty much explain why he usually choose violence to solve imminent problems and not exactly taking responsibility for hurting people. Like punching Maze in the face TWICE it's not overreacting from his part, it's the stupid Alpha's fault that he is stubborn, obviously and nothing else works. /sarcasm

(more under the cut)

Finding patterns is an ability that is actually very great when I write metas or stories. I see patterns everywhere. In real life? Not so great. Because while people are showing mostly predictable behaviour patterns and we learn to understand the logical steps between how something comes from where (yes, even emotions can be explained logically), we can’t always keep one thing in mind: VARIABLES.

Like… what do you mean that my usual very kind and patient friend said something hurtful and they didn’t have patience for me like usual??? What do you mean that they have shitty day so they entire behaviour pattern changes according to their mood??? What do you mean that they won’t show the same shitty-day patterns on the next shitty day??? How am I supposed to prepare for my friend’s shitty days???? Kind is kind, shitty is shitty, friend cannot be both! Right? RIGHT…? … … Right…?

Imagine that person with personality disorder is like working with CONDITIONALS in the programming language. IF you do [something] then it’s either [this] OR [that]. There is no third options and you have choose.

THIS or THAT. ALWAYS or NEVER. ALL or NOTHING.

Always the extremes. Black and white mentality is a cognitive distortion, it means that we are having trouble seeing the world as it is: constantly changing, constantly evolving, devolving, always in the move. It has to be static, IT HAS TO BE SAFE AND PREDICTABLE.

Finding the middle ground is especially hard for us, and when I met a certain quote in the books, I kind of felt understood here.

There are lot of instances where the narrative says, you are either friends of the Nulls they would die for or an enemy they didn’t kill yet. It sounds dramatic but it actually FEELS this dramatic too.

Let’s break this in the language of PD.

You are…

A friend I would die for

An enemy I didn’t have to kill yet

If you feel like that there should be more nuanced options between the two, then you feel it right. Because in real life, your relationship with people are also nuanced. You have acquaintances. You have close friends. You have not so close-friends. You have co-workers you share a lunch but not personal informations. You have neighbors occasionally borrow sugar from, and you have neighbors you only say hello at the stairs, and you have neighbors you gossip with. You have close family members and family members we only love from distance and then you have family members you avoid like a plague. You have co-workers you hate. You hate that cashier because of their vibes, but you like the other one, but overall, you don’t speak a word to each other.

Now the real world equivalent of the Null’s mindset would be

A person I would die for

People I literally don’t give a single shit about

And then Ruusan comes into the picture. Ordo and the Nulls suddenly can’t place her everywhere between the two option. They don’t like this person, but this person actually never hurt them personally. They have to force themselves to break the computer code based of rigid conditionals to create new options to label her. Nulls, and especially Ordo can’t stand her, because he is jealous, he feels threatened by her presence, and Ordo is terribly afraid that she makes him less valuable in Kal’s eyes because she is Kal’s biological daughter. Also because with this black & white mentality usually comes pragmatism too, he is not convinced that Ruu is not here for golddigging. Her presence simply makes them angry and irritated and they can’t deal with these feelings.

Brain: BASH HER SKULL WITH A ROCK!!! Ordo: No. Brain: BUT SHE THREATENS YOUR LIFE! Ordo: I’m not in danger. I’m just angry. I have to remind myself that is not the same. I want to bash her skull with a rock, but I know that I may be overreacting. Brain: IT WILL MAKE YOU SAFE! Ordo: You are not helping here, brain, shut up.

Ruusan is not an enemy, therefore Ordo can’t dispose of her (and now that would actually be a threat to his relationship with Kal). But Ruusan is not a friend either because he doesn’t like her at all. Ordo doesn’t like Ruusan but he has to tolerate her presence. Ordo has to learn how to live with people under one roof he doesn’t like.

“KAL SKIRATA IS TRAUMATIZING HIS BABYBABU CHILDREN BY SURROUNDING THEM WITH PEOPLE THAT CAUSED HARM INCLUDING RUUSAN AND OTHER MANDO TRAINERS AND-“

In real life, you have to share workspace with co-workers you don’t like. If you are living in an apartment complex, you have to tolerate your annoying neighbours without bashing their skull with a rock. Sometimes even with family members if you don’t have the means to move out from home. Technically, you can kill people you don’t like, you have two hands to do it. But morally and socially is not acceptable to solve conflicts like this. When you are part of a 10+ people team, it is inevitable that there are people you won’t get along. Most people can just shake of this with ease and don’t take it personal that someone doesn’t like them.

But a person with personality disorders feels intense feelings. There is no such thing as feeling slightly irritated by the presence of the not-liked co-worker. That person will cause us so much stress and hateful thoughts and extreme emotions, that after pro-longed exposure for these, we’ll get exhausted, overstressed, and we eventually leave the job, because we can’t handle it anymore, and with this, we risk our financial safety too with it, our health and social relationships too.

I will write about this Black & White mentality more later in the topic of Favorite Person. ^^

Black and White mentality can be the easiest way to solve our problems, dilemmas, finding the easiest answers to questions, but always keep that in mind and remember:

[password-door-lock]

Mystictober Day 16-- Theater

You and Saeran discuss Zekyll and White before watching Zen’s performance (866 words).

“Do we have everything we need, my love?” Saeran asks as the two of you linger outside the door to the theater. 

You consider the question, patting your pockets. “Tickets, check. Here’s yours.” You hand Saeran the small cardstock slip. “VIP badges, check.” You tug at the sky blue lanyard around your neck, which indeed contains the laminated VIP badge which will get you backstage after the show. “Flowers for Zen, check.” Saeran is holding the bouquet, which he put together specifically for this event. “Shoes, pants, shirts, et cetera, check. Am I missing anything, dear?” 

Saeran giggles at your joke. “I don’t think so, my sweet. Let’s go in.”

“Alright. Let’s go in.”

You take Saeran’s arm with an air of elegance which only serves to exacerbate his giggling as you lead him into the wonderfully decorated venue for Zen’s performance. You’re over the moon to be seeing your friend’s latest musical, especially after hearing so much about it on the messenger. You and Saeran settle into your assigned seats, which, of course, allow an amazing view of the stage.

“It’s a good thing they postponed this until after the trouble with your father was over,” you whisper to Saeran as the other members of the audience begin to file in. “I would’ve hated to miss Zen’s show.”

You know Zen has worked very hard for this— as has Yoosung, for that matter— and that he would have been devastated if you and the twins had missed the production. The director was very understanding of the safety concerns faced by the entire RFA, including Zen, and so he agreed to the rescheduling. The entire group will be able to make it to the theater, and then to the late dinner you’ve planned for this evening. 

“And it gave me time to read the book,” Saeran reminds you. He’s spent the past day-and-a-half or so utterly engrossed in his copy of The Strange Case of Dr. Zekyll and Mr. White. The novel is short, but Saeran, as it turns out, is a very close reader. He annotates his books carefully, with neat commentary written on removable notes so as not to damage the pages. 

“Hm,” you hum. “What did you think of it?” This subject has been bothering you for a while— you worry that Saeran might not feel comfortable with the portrayal of Mr. White, considering the things that he was told about himself at Magenta. As you understand it, one of his reasons for reading the book prior to the show was to ensure that he’d be prepared for the topics of the musical. An adaptation like this could easily turn into a cruel caricature if not executed with requisite care. 

“The novel is just about how everyone has a mix of good and evil in them,” he explains, “Mr. White was created by the author to make the point that nobody in real life is completely evil. I don’t relate to the story very much… Saeran wasn’t evil, and neither was Ray, no matter what Rika told me. I’m strong enough now to understand that’s the case, but the book was still interesting to read.” Per usual, Saeran’s understanding of the media is nuanced and complex. You get the feeling that he wants to say more, and you’re looking forward to talking it through with him on the drive home. 

“It was written a long time ago,” you muse. “But I can’t wait to see Zen playing both characters. I know this was a huge challenge for him.”

“Mm,” Saeran offers you a contemplative hum, “Especially considering that White is supposed to be shorter than Zekyll. I wonder how they’ll show the scene where Zekyll’s employee meets White and doesn’t recognize him.” 

“Well, I guess that’s the magic of theater,” you shrug. “I’m sure the costume changes are going to have to be really quick.” But you know Zen can handle it. He once told you that his fastest complete costume change took him only fourteen seconds.

“It might get confusing to have one actor playing both parts,” Saeran muses, “But Zen is good at his job. I’m sure he’ll pull it off. Although… I’m curious to see how the adaptation will be structured, since the book doesn’t have much plot until the very end when the main character reads the doctor’s letter. If they show the story in chronological order, it might ruin the mystery.”

“You know what, now that I think about it, what happens in Zekyll and White?” You’re familiar with the concept, of course, but you don’t know anything about the actual plot of the novel. Maybe you should’ve read it alongside Saeran to better prepare for the show. 

“Shh, my love,” Saeran shushes you gently, with a loving hand on your wrist. “The lights are coming down. You’ll just have to wait and see what happens, won’t you?”

“Oh, you’re right, darling,” you whisper. You were too engrossed in the discussion to notice the lowered lights without prompting, apparently. “We’ll have to continue this discussion later, though. I want to hear your thoughts about the play.”

“Mhm,” Saeran agrees, holding your hand tight as the curtain is raised. 

[nerdypatrolcollector-blog]

Human Connections in 23.5

This show has completely taken over my mind and I am incapable thinking of anything else. In this essay, I will… no but seriously it’s been a long time since I’ve seen a shown affect me this hard in a long time so I had to write about it. None of my friends watch this show so I’m relaying my thoughts to (hopefully) kind internet strangers. 

At its core, 23.5 is a show about the craving and wanting of human connection. It’s such a beautifully written story full of nuance and consequences but ultimately is about the choices the characters make for the hopes of making a connection and keeping it. Let’s take a look at it through the lenses of our 3 main characters, ongsa, aylin, and sun (sorry Luna we don't know enough about you).

The easiest one is ongsa, this is her story and her journey through finding family, friends, and love. It is very much implied that before she moved to Bangkok, ongsa was a very lonely kid, having trouble finding friends. The more she missed out on these connections the more desperate she got and the lower her self esteem was. Maybe starting to think that it was something about her that made people not want to be associated with her. Moving to Bangkok was her chance to start over. And in the first episode we are shown how those experiences informed her view of the world, constantly blaming herself for the problems that she faced that day. And sure the show plays it off for the shits and giggles but there’s an inherent sadness to it. That desperate need for connection to sun makes her do stupid things. Of course she regrets the things she’s doing, she’s human after all, but the alternative is so much more scary so she doubles down and digs the hole even deeper. However, there’s a light at the end: tinh, chaoren, real sun, aylin. It’s only through the extension of a helping hand from tinh, chaoren, aylin and sun (people who are also craving more connections, we’ll come back to them later) that pulls her back in. And guess what? She didn’t have to change one bit. They accepted her just the way she is. Love, respect and acceptance will come but they will come to a version that is authentically us. The whole show is a journey of ongsa figuring out that lesson. 

Aylin, my favorite little alien, how long have you been screaming for someone to listen? At face value it seems like she’s the only character in the show that doesn’t care if she makes a connection with a human. With her constant insistence of “I don’t associate with human” and air of indifference. But that’s not really true. She is perhaps the most human character in the show. She spends countless hours of her life trying and desperately hoping that there is something out there that understands her. She was betrayed by her own kind and in her own desperation to find a connection she looked outside to something that might or might not exist but it’s the possibility that keeps her going. What’s more inherently human than that? We as a society spend millions on exploring outer space for the hope that we are not alone in the universe. Aylin just wants someone who is willing to sit with her and wait.

Ironically, ongsa and Aylin’s situations are mirrors of each other. They are just two people desperate to make a connection with someone else. They just adopted different ways to deal with that desperation. We are all searching for the same thing. The need and want for human connection. All of us are screaming into the endless void of the universe hoping to find someone who understands and responds. But unfortunately for so long, ongsa and aylin found out that sound doesn’t travel in space. The worst part is not only sitting alone in our own darkness and loneliness, but feel like we’re the only ones doomed to see it. 

Sun's need for connection is pretty straightforward and is mostly focused on romantic love. Sun is so desperate for a romantic connection that she feels like she's been lacking for so long. We are still unsure if Sun has ever had a crush on someone before, but she seemed pretty confused as to why she was reacting to ongsa's presence (ma'am that's called lesbianism). She thought she found that connection with Earth and in a desperate ploy to keep that connection she makes reckless decisions that only end up hurting her more.

This ended up WAYYY longer that I expected, but I just needed to get it out there. Not sure if anyone cares about my thoughts but I am throwing my opinion out there anyways.

[askmalal]

The Primarchs and their brothers, Part 3:

Fulgrim

1. The Lion:

“(he) quite literally defines the phrase ‘peacocking.”

2. REDACTED:

“He is a beautiful man. And, in truth, he is also a troubled one.”

4. Perturabo:

“Purple armor is a very good way of alerting the enemy to ‘shoot here,’ but I think that is rather the point.”

5. Jaghatai Khan:

“The Phoenician. From a world that has never heard of Phoenicia, given a badly transliterated name based upon his original cognomen (‘The Phoenix,’ or ‘The Phoenix Lord.’ ) That, I think, says a great deal.”

6. Leman Russ:

“No human being should wear that much perfume, cologne, musk, or… whatever it is he drapes himself in. I like my brother. I care less for migraines.”

7. Rogal Dorn:

“An exceptional soldier. Our tastes in art… vary somewhat.”

8. Konrad Curze:

“There is much to be concerned about. But much more to recommend him. He cares a great deal for other people, and this sometimes comes close to breaking him. If he does break… ”

9. Sanguinius:

“Speaks, sings, even thinks with the voice of an Angel. A being so suited to the restoration of culture, and yet so often expected to exterminate it. He is complex. There is nuance to him. I cannot say I always like him. But I do understand him.”

10. Ferrus Manus:

“Art is a wonderful thing. But not every thing we do should be labeled as such.”

11. REDACTED:

“A self important popinjay. Opinionated, self referential. Too much lapping powder. But for reasons I cannot quite describe, we are quite fond of each other.”

12. Angron:

“Blood stains and art meet only in the mind of an eldritch terror.”

13. Roboute Guilliman:

“A brilliant demonstrator of the practical.”

14. Mortarion:

“He has a talent for… making the most hideous thing beautiful. I am unsure how to process this.”

15. Magnus:

“The man has done more to save what remains of human physical culture than… just about anyone else now living. Which is ironic, given his calling, I think.”

16. Horus:

“The best and most capable offensive strategist I know. And, including my father, I have known nineteen paragons of that martial paradigm.”

17. Lorgar:

“The temples he has saved! The cathedrals he has destroyed!”

18. Vulkan:

“He is a polymath among polymaths. He has graced our forges, and our hearts. He is a fine man, and one of my dearest friends. Do not allow the silk wrappings to mislead you.”

19. Corvus Corax:

“The man is pained. I feel it in his words. I see it in his eyes. There is goodness there undoubtedly… but… there is something more, and it is something he hides well.”

20. Alpharius Omegon:

“My brother has the heart of a Lion, the personality of a Peacock, and the Moral Compass of a Viper. At times I love him. At times I loathe him. But he is always a presence to be carefully considered. Will he bite the heel, or protect the nest? Difficult to predict from moment to moment.”

[shiawasekai]

For Nela!

2. How do they feel about Areelu Vorlesh?

8. What do they desire the most?

26. Did they separate from any companions? Why? (Consider killing a companion too for this question)

Thank you for much for the questions, Dujour!

2. How do they feel about Areelu Vorlesh?

The most vicious and (self-)destructive mix of love and hatred.

Plainly put, Nela herself hates Areelu for taking her entire life. What she did is, emotionally, not different from razing her entire hometown and murdering her family. It's worse in a way, even. Yes, she didn't personally kill them; but Areelu took away her home, her culture, everything she knew and understood from her. Areelu took years of her life, her own self changed irreversibly by aging (both physically and mentally). The world has shifted beyond what Nela can recognize. Her family spent their entire lives thinking she died and she'll never get the chance to correct them. Her parents died thinking she was gone.

Areelu destroyed more than words can express, and Nela understandably despises the woman who did it.

And yet, the experiment was a success. A part of Areelu's child lives within Nela, and that part loves her mother. It disgusts Nela, to feel such a thing for that woman, but she cannot stop it. For two souls that so easily coexist in the diminished state of the child's, that's the one true point of conflict.

Guilt and disgust tend to appear whenever Nela pays these feelings any mind, and the results are never pretty.

8. What they desire the most?

For most of the game? Going back home.

It's impossible, but the desire is made all the stronger because it cannot be fulfilled. There is nowhere to return after the Crusade is over. Everyone else gets to return to their lives before, or set forth to fulfill their dreams. Her dreams, her life before, they're gone.

Moving on feels like a betrayal. Even when Nela starts to build a new life in Mendev, there is the knowledge that this life wouldn't be even possible if she hadn't lost what came before. She wouldn't have met any of them.

I've mentioned it before, but if she was truly forced to choose knowingly between her life before and her life after? For most of the game, she would choose the life before. It would be a hard choice, yes, but one she would take nevertheless. It's one of the reasons it's so hard for her to talk about her issues with others: it means confessing she would abandon them if given the chance. It eats her inside, especially with some of the companions.

Let's leave the romance aside. Saying to Woljif, who considers her after his companion quest his first friend, that she would just leave him behind like that? To Arueshalae, for who she has been such a great support? "Yes, I would leave you to your devices and possibly fail your redemption to have my life back"? Screw your brother, Sosiel. I'm out of here.

It's selfish, it's ugly. She just cannot say it to them. Even when her feelings start to change into something more nuanced, as she grows to love these people, she knows the truth about herself. She knows what she wants most.

26. Did they separate from any companions? Why?

Wenduag dies in Act 3. I had trouble figuring out how Nela would feel about Wenduag for quite long. Nela believes in redemption, but she isn't a fool about it and won't compromise the Crusades for it. Wenduag has obvious reasons to do what she does, you could think there is a chance at redemption. Wouldn't it make sense for Nela to give it to her?

The thing is: Nela despises Wenduag for very personal reasons. In Wenduag, Nela sees who she could have become if she had listened to those darker instincts that one time. If she hadn't pushed back against her fear and decided to risk her life to save those slaves. Sacrificing others without a second thought for power, for knowledge.

Nela cannot believe in Wenduag's redemption, and doesn't want to either. The idea of having her around is simply beyond what she can tolerate anyway, so I won't say it eats at her conscience.

The other companion to "separate," as in die, is Camellia.

This time wasn't out of hate, but it wasn't out of the goodness of her heart either. As I said before, Nela doesn't expect perfect morality from the Crusaders or her companions, to do so would be foolish. What she expects them is to not be an active problem.

After what happens in Act 3, Nela cannot trust Camellia. The waste on resources trying to keep her watched would be ridiculous, and pointless given the mythic powers. It would be an active issue and a constant source of worries. Nela is knowledgeable enough to notice something is off with Camellia's explanation but, even if Mireya were real, Nela would still have no way to ensure Camellia sticks to only pre-approved targets.

In other words, Camellia becomes a liability that only makes her life harder and hinders the Crusade. Nela does wonder sometimes if she did the right thing, if there was an alternative way... but she also knows that Camellia had way too much power for the risk to be worth the potential salvation.

[sarahsyna]

What is Aldo's relationships with the Scions like? Who does he get on with best/least?

I think Aldo’s relationship is overall good with them. He took a long time to warm up to anyone (except Meiyi, who is one of the few quick connections he’s ever had) but over time he’s grown to care for them in the same way he did the people of his village. They work together, they hunt together. They are part of the pack.

In particular he gets/got on well with Urianger, Lyse, and Papalymo.

Papalymo To start with, he and Papalymo had a lot in common. They both had that thing of being perceived as the ‘handler’ to someone loud and ditzy, and that perception being only a shallow understanding of the friendship.

As well as that, Aldo just had a lot of respect for him. Papalymo was a fantastic mage, and a damn good Scion. He was a great person to talk to and to have aetherological discussions with.

Urianger Aldo has absolutely no trouble understanding Urianger, and he’s always a bit confused when everyone else says that Uri is incomprehensible because the guy is perfectly understandable to him. It’s just slightly flowery language, what do you mean you don’t get it?

It’s definitely not Aldo’s own way of talking though, he prefers to be direct, nigh-on blunt. So you have these two lads talking about a treatise they’ve both read, and one of them is using this very high language and the other is speaking with all the subtlety of a brick.

“Wherefore didst one acquire this misunderstanding of the fundamentals of the text?”

“My understanding is just fine, Urianger. Yours is just lacking nuance. Would you like to see my citations? Because I have plenty.”

“Oh, most gladly.”

Uri’s probably also the only person to refer to him as Aldous instead of Aldo or Al.

Lyse Aldo is a quiet guy so a lot of people assume that he doesn’t get along with people that are loud and cheerful. To the contrary, they probably have the easiest time. He doesn’t push people away so much as just not seek them out, so extroverts have an easier time with him.

Because of this, Lyse is one of the first people besides Meiyi that he bonded with in the Scions. She was just friendly, and it helped a lot. He did always have this feeling there was something she wasn’t telling people, but he also figured it was none of his fucking business.

When Papalymo died, I think he was able to give voice to some of Papalymo’s own perspective, help Lyse understand why he did what he did. He was also able to tell her how Papalymo would talk about her when she wasn’t around. It worried him that she might have considered herself a burden, and he felt he owed it to both of them as his friends to set that straight.

As for those he gets along with least, I’d say Thancred and Y’shtola.

Thancred’s long absences mean that Aldo’s never really warmed to him the same way as a lot of the others. Like I said above, he needs time to get to know someone.

He’s also run into some friction with Y’shtola. Aldo thinks that despite positioning herself as ‘the smart one’ she’s far too prone to taking risks without considering the consequences. She’s an intelligent woman doing godamn stupid things.

Now, he doesn’t dislike her. If anything, he’s more irritated because he does actually like and admire her and he wishes she’d stop doing things that could, would, and nearly do get herself killed.

[girlonthelasttrain]

I understand the sentiment, I really do, but like... maybe years ago fans didn't use marketing lingo, but I think this kind of reasoning has always happened in fandom, especially where numbers were available for all to see. Pretending that fandom has never been a competitive place, or one where popularity doesn't matter ("BNF" is definitely not a new concept), doesn't serve us very well I think, and now that AO3 has been giving us metrics for over a decade the cat is not only out of the bag, it has lived its full life in the wild. Measuring something is in the first place a way to make comparisons in a more abstract, and therefore easier, way. I don't think we can blame people for doing exactly that with numbers so readily available. Comparisons, and further down the line, optimization as well.

I totally agree that data doesn't capture the whole endeavour of making fanworks. Even if you measure the hours you spent on something, there is no way to meaningfully translate 'I put my heart and soul in it' or 'this fic marked the start of my friendship with one of dearest people in my life' into numbers. That is in the realm of interpersonal connections, and I personally support the idea of 'fandom as a community' more than 'fandom as a market'. But the former is just way more difficult to build and maintain and to understand the dynamics of, plus every circle of fandom is different, while the idea of a market of individual writers and readers is a paradigm we're all already used to and affords us a schema that doesn't need to reckon with the nuances of interpersonal dynamics. It's, frankly, easier for someone interested in participating in fandom to pick up. The still essential task of forming relationships between readers and writers can then be done through the appropriate method, ie marketing.

For what it's worth, I don't particularly like this either. Every time I share or reblog a fic on the sideblog that has more followers (another metric), I am keenly aware that I'm applying a marketing strategy. Less leople would read the fic I'm sharing if I had less followers. But I will be blunt: I don't think saying 'you shouldn't do this' achieves much at all here. You can't shame people out of a thing that ostensibly works, and if we're posting fic on the internet then part of our goal has to be that we want people, especially people who aren't just out immediate circle, to read it. Otherwise we would just write it down and never post, or just share a gdocs link with our friends.

I think a better rebuttal to the marketing thing is that it's not that accurate. A market paradigm, with the limited data we have, has trouble accounting for the many injustices, big and small, of fandom. It can't account for a clique taking a disdain for an author or for a writer of color being shunned for daring to address racism. There is no amount of marketing that can rectify either situation. It may be easy to use, and yes sometimes it works; but not for everyone, and pretending that every writer (or reader) is on equal footing with every other individual in the 'fandom market' and acting rationally is a distortion of reality. That's the real rub for me. That's not how it works for everyone.

[amelikos]

More interviews. They were released when chapter 3 was ongoing (translation here).

There are several interviews with different VAs. As usual, I'll go over the parts I find interesting to keep reference of them.

Liko's VA (Minori Suzuki)

Liko's VA talks about how Liko used to be introverted and insecure and how she grew a lot over the course of her journey. Her whole answer to the "Early on, Liko often acted due to external factors, didn't she?" is great all around (Liko growing to understand her own desires, her optimism becoming more pronounced, going from having lots of internal monologues to putting her thoughts into words to convey how she feels to others etc). I love Liko, and I love seeing so much care and understanding put into her character arc.

I also have to point out that part with Minori Suzuki bringing up Liko's monologue when she wondered if she was the lead in a shoujo story. This is not the first time I see Horizons being called a shoujo in interviews and the likes. I remember another interview mentioning it. Some of the Horizons manga are also officially serialized in shoujo magazines (such as Liko's treasure). There is basis for this stuff. Truly, Horizons is my favorite shoujo anime (anyway, something something, if Horizons shoujo, then AmeLiko budding shoujo romance etc).

There is also talk about Liko's Pokemon, mentioning that Nyarote comes off as an older sister (which is super cute). They also mention the battles Liko had against Chili and how Minori Suzuki felt voicing these scenes.

Minori Suzuki also describes the bond between Liko and Nyarote. I like the description that they aren't too close, but not too distant either and how both of them maintain a perfect balance between the two. She also describes what she thinks is the ideal bond between trainer and Pokemon (and she mentions Friede and Cap).

Roy's VA (Terasaki Yuka)

Terasaki Yuka talks about how Roy has grown through his adventures. I like the part where she mentions that Roy used to run off and do his own thing when Friede was watching over him, but he's grown to be more conscious of how his behavior would affect others since he started traveling with only Liko and Dot and would warn them before going off on his own etc. It's a very neat detail (I don't like when male characters cause lots of trouble and let girls pick up after them, so Roy is a real one for not being like that). The mention that Roy would encourage Dot by saying the destination isn't far away when she says she is tired is also very cute (genuinely gives me more appreciation for the character because I didn't consider that he would be trying to encourage her in his own way by saying that, which is very sweet).

They also mention other sides of Roy's character, such as how he is observant and intuitive, on top of his straightforward nature.

I also liked the mention that the sound director specifically told Roy's VA to deliver a line in HZ052 (telling Hogator to stay away from the water etc) as if she was warning her own child about danger, and not just saying that to a friend.

Also, the answer to "which group would you join" question is heartbreaking in its own way ("Amethio always looks like he is suffering so much...").

Dot's VA (Yoshino Aoyama)

Just like with Liko and Roy, they talk about how Dot has grown as a character. Dot's VA brings up the fact that Dot's desire to entertain others as Gurumin is something she inherited from her mother and her love for talking (I like this side of Dot, since it shows a lot of nuance in regards to her relationship with her mother).

They also talk about how reliable Kuwassu is, Dot's relationship with her Pokemon, and how they both motivate each other.

Dot's VA also talks about Nanjamo and Poppy and her thoughts on their characters.

"You learn whether you win or lose" is also a line that stood out to me.

--

Afterwards, there are many interviews with the Elite Four VAs. They all bring up interesting stuff. Such as how Dot's battle against Aoki was more of an evaluation to ascertain Dot's skill level than an all-out battle. The interview with Chili's VA was also a nice read (lots of talk about Liko's character).

They also ask the cast their thoughts on the Elite Four characters. Roy's VA talking about how Chili is great at psychological warfare (putting Liko on the spot by telling her she represents her school and then making her relax with a joke afterwards) is something I didn't consider. Chili is a fun character for this.

The VAs for Liko, Roy and Dot also talk about how they feel about each other's characters (summer love letters to each other). Liko's VA talking about how she feels about Roy and Dot's characters, and so on. It's pretty interesting seeing how they perceive the characters.

The parts that stood out to me were: Dot's VA talking about how different Liko's relationship with Nyarote is compared to Dot's relationship with Welcamo (the talk about Liko's love is cute too), and her insight on Dot's friendship with Roy. Roy's VA talking about how considerate Liko is (which is not something easily done) and how trustworthy and dependable she is, and her talk about Dot taking steps forward. Liko's VA talking Liko's respect towards Roy, and her insight on Liko's friendship with Dot. Especially liked the mention that Liko and Dot's friendship is not one-sided, and Dot's loyalty towards Liko and how she shows courage for her friend, and the way she analyzed Kuwassu's relationship with Dot.

Overall, very interesting read. These interviews had lots of stuff to ponder about. I just like reading what the VAs have to say and how they perceive the characters, and seeing the things they point out which I don't think about, etc. "An introverted girl, a boy who longed for adventure from an island, and a girl who used to be holed up in her room" describing our current trio is still something I find amazing.

[tea-with-evan-and-me]

“it's not just the sensitive hearing, he also has anxiety about social situation, which is another sign of autism, trouble with literally thinking, and in a lot of interviews he also avoids eye contact.”

Yes those can be signs of autism but they are also symptoms of social anxiety and actually are also signs that someone has been abused. I personally feel that Evan just shows signs of generalized and social anxiety rather than autism. I think that, for the most part, Evan is good at picking up on social cues and reading other people’s behavior. And I think this is actually what makes him a good actor, he’s very intuitive. You can see this in the way he talks about analyzing scenes and preparing for roles. He is able to quickly understand the why behind someone’s actions, what type of tone is needed, what a character will be feeling in a given scene and how to properly express those emotions for that specific character, and the nuances and intricacies of social interactions. He also knows how to slightly change a characters’ personality or make them more charismatic to get the audience to like them more. Even when just talking about characters’ personality or actions, he displays a very good understanding of human behavior. For example in one interview he was talking about Jeffery Dahmer and how he feels that JD used his unassuming nature to manipulate people and some other interesting stuff about his personality and actions (I can link it if you want, I think it’s interesting to hear what Evan thinks). I think that someone on the spectrum would struggle with all of that.

Evan also has quite a dry, often sarcastic, sense of humor, and responds well to that type of humor whereas I know that many people on the spectrum have expressed that they struggle with that kind of stuff because they take things very literally. There are other things too, I think Evan has good control over his mood and emotions and also seems very empathic, and I know these are also things people with autism struggle with. He also is okay with change to his routine: he frequently travels either for work or to visit friends and family, even just to go on vacation, and his schedule changes frequently because of work, auditions etc. At the end of the day only a specialist who actually interacts with Evan on a personal level would be able to diagnose him with anything but this is just my opinion based on my observations.

very well said, anon 💗

[invisiblegarters]

Sorry, this is a bit long, but your answer about the bias Jojo has for his "work crush" made me think about the concept more broadly.

I always perceived myself as a pretty even fan of both First and Khaotung as actors. I think they're both amazing, just different in their approaches. Yes, I think I might gravitate towards First's style of acting more but it wasn't like some crazy preference. I never felt the need to go out of my way to say how good First is.

That is, until I started seeing a weird bias at GMMTV. They LOVE Khaotung. It's not just Jojo. It's Aof, it's everyone. Yeah Joong, Book, Sea, and Mix are both First and Khaotung's friends but you can tell who people are really charmed by. Khaotung is incredibly charismatic, just without the sort of "classic idol" energy of Fourth, who is much more outgoing and peppy. Add on the fact that he's a good actor and voila, you get the outcome you see. First is constantly seen as "the person with Khaotung" or "an amazing actor with Khaotung" rather than talented in and of himself. I have no significant understanding of Thai, but I keep getting the impression that they see Khaotung as a much better actor than First, to the point that they don't know how to compliment First without sounding a bit underhanded. While I agree Khaotung was phenomenal as Ray and deserves all the awards, I keep getting stuck on how Gaipa got so much interest from one crying/singing scene at a funeral that I still think is out of character when First's nuanced interpretation of Alan was a major factor in making MLC's core story work. Initially I thought it was because Alan was the pseudo-villain, but they still managed to at least nominate (correctly!) Neo for his amazing job as Boston.

I think this why First keeps becoming the love interest after The Eclipse/MLC. (BTW, I thought I was crazy when I slowly realized how little intrinsic character development Sand had in Only Friends, and now hearing you imply the same thing shocked me.) Khaotung had his big break and the notion just stuck. I don't think First ends up with terrible characters or anything, he still does amazing with these pretty good but sort of vaguely wallflower characters, but yeah it does stick in the back of my mind that something weird is happening. It's unfortunate to hear that the THK book isn't promising regarding Kant's story beats. I guess First isn't going to get a chance to top Akk any time soon.

It just sucks that I now have go out of my way to say yes, I really do love Khaotung's acting, I'm just talking about First because he's facing a deficit. You may feel differently but I'm pretty sincere about liking them both pretty equally.

Hi, non! You're trying to get me in trouble here aren't you, lol.

Before I get into the answer I want to say a couple of things. One, I am absolutely not trying to restart the debate about who deserves what - this is not the place to complain about either of them or insinuate that either of them are undeserving of the attention they do get (not you anon but since I read everything I've seen how sour this can get very quickly and I'm not up for it. Pitting these two against each other like they're in some sort of talent cage match is not how I roll, even if I have a very obvious bias).

Two, I have a very obvious bias. 😁 I adore First, I would follow him anywhere. Yes, probably even Scarlet Heart if that's true. But just the parts he's in, okay. I have my limits. So take all the following opinions with a giant grain of salt (except Jojo's crush, he's not shy about it that's not an opinion I hold so much as being hit in the head with a brick lol).

With that over with, please allow me to ramble at you at length (you did this to yourself with the long ask, this is your fault I bear no responsibility).

Heads up: there will be a spoiler about the THK novel later – I’ll warn beforehand and put it behind a cut.

I will be really honest, I didn't notice it much until Only Friends because until that show I never paid any attention to BTS stuff or interviews or much beyond thinking wow these guys are good, but then I couldn't stop noticing. And I agree it's not just Jojo. Pretty much all BTS stuff in any show they are both in…First rarely is praised. Unless they're playing up the fanservicy stuff or he's praising Khaotung, he usually isn't even in them (which he does at every opportunity, the sweetheart). And a lot of the times that First's abilities are brought up, it's Khaotung doing it, usually while being praised himself. It's genuinely super sweet, and one of the reasons that I do like them so much as a pair - neither one of them ever misses an opportunity to talk about how amazing the other is.

You're not wrong that there's this weird way other people have of talking about them, though, that makes me feel like you might be on to something with it just being accepted that Khaotung is leagues above First when it comes to skill. It's like "Khaotung is brilliant amazing wonderful effortless. First works hard." Which isn't untrue, but also really makes it sound like First's only contribution is being able to show up and put in the work, lol, or like he's struggling to keep up (which I do not see at all. One of the things that I love about First is how effortlessly he matches the energy of whoever he's in a scene with, which is why it's so obvious to me when he's being told not to, like when he was playing therapist as Ray's image of Sand in ep 10 of OF, and also in their fight beforehand - Sand wasn't allowed to break until after Ray left, so First had to be way more restrained than Khaotung during most of that scene. I saw a lot of really nasty comments about his acting after that and it was annoying. It was Sand who was struggling there, not First). There's also a weird trend where people can't say anything nice about First without including Khaotung or at least disclaiming that they like both, but Khoatung is praised alone all the time, no disclaimers needed. Sometimes it does feel like people have forgotten First is actually his own person and not just Khaotung's extra arm or something.

I do get the impression Khaotung networks more. I could be wrong! But from the little I've seen First does sort of just follow his lead when it comes to that side of things. Part of being successful is successfully selling yourself, and I think Khaotung's better at it, even if he's not really the "outgoing" one of the two. Also Khaotung is the better singer. First can sing, just not as well. That makes him less valuable/important in some eyes because he's less the "full-package."

As for the other actors - well. I don't pay as much attention to that because I still don’t really seek this stuff out, I just look at it as it comes to me. But from what I have seen I wouldn't say that they all mostly love Khaotung and First just kind of follows along. I think that it's really easy to get that impression since that's what fandom likes to focus on - there's this whole "Khaotung is everyone's favorite and First's is jealous/possessive" narrative that goes on. It's cute, it's a kind of dynamic that people tend to be into (hell, I'm into it - although I like it better if it goes both ways rather than just one direction). People will read into things however they want. Just ask me - First so much as looks at anyone and I become an instant ghost shipper. What do you mean everyone isn't in love with him?

But in all seriousness it seems like they're both pretty well-loved. Of the ones you mentioned, Mix and Earth hang all over both of them and vice versa, and it seems to be pretty much that way with Joong and Dunk now too. I don't really see any of them preferring one or the other (if anything it's FK preferring Joong, but then again Joong is often the one posting stuff so again, who even knows).

It genuinely makes me happy to see either of those foursomes in any combo together because how much they seem to enjoy being around each other. But even if they all do adore Khaotung and not First he isn't owed that, you know?

And like, he has people like Tay, who loves Khoatung a bunch too but seems to adore First especially. And I seem to remember hearing somewhere that he and Boom are close, although I know less about it because again, it doesn't get shared here. But Tay and First's bond is talked about a lot.

I loved Sand to pieces and sometimes mildly resent that what could have been some great stuff for him was skipped over because no one cared (although I did see some great posts about him, loved them all, overthinking about Sand is one of my favorite activities and I appreciate anyone else who seems to have the same problem), but he wasn't the character I'd say was most shafted in the show. After my poor lesbians I'd actually say that was Top (although Top was one of the ones who got a second name, good for him). IMO even Boston had a ton of his character development off screen, which is a testament to how good of an actor Neo is that he still managed to pull it off as well as he did. I didn't know he was nominated and that is so freaking awesome. May he be even more recognized in the future. ❤

But a lot of the characters in that show were extremely shallow on paper. Most, if I'm honest. Thankfully for the most part the actors were able to put more into the characters than was actually there (sometimes I imagine First's direction and get the giggles. "Be in love with Ray and sad he loves someone else. Remember you are poor. Punch Top in the face"). Don't get me wrong, though - although my enjoyment of OF when it was airing was in and out for several reasons I really like it now. Like I will happily talk about at length, it's a real problem (as I am sure you can already tell). But it's like I said  - once you see something it's hard to unsee it.

I have been told repeatedly that I am just a social media recluse (like I have a tumblr and an ao3 account, lol. That's it that's me) who doesn't hang out in the right places or talk to the right people to know much one way or the other about it, and I think that's a large part of it, too. The stuff I see here isn't everything people are sharing and talking about, it's just what I see because that's where I go. And like I said, I've seen a lot of stuff that I don't get here recently because my phone is a dirty little spy and now I get recced all kinds of First Kanaphan content, lol. It still doesn't make the BTS stuff less weird, though.

(also, as an aside in an already ridiculously long post that I absolutely should trim down and won’t (long-winded is right there in the profile), I will say that the MLC stuff is just weird all around. Earth was phenomenal as Jim but I don't seem to hear much about that either. He wasn't nominated for any awards for it (according to The Google anyway so if I'm wrong please correct me) either which baffles me. In fandom I remember the talk mostly being about how he was too young to be playing the character. Whatever naysayers he was amazing and he deserved all the accolades for the way he portrayed Jim this is a fucking travesty and the one thing that I think I might actually be genuinely angry about (besides the THK novel okay I will die mad about that))

I'm not even sure it really matters. People aren't going to magically change what and who they like just because I'm here stamping my feet and whining that it's not fair (which this isn't meant to be, for the record. This is just me working through my thoughts on all this stuff by talking way too long and probably running off course way too much).

What does matter, happily, is the fun stuff: talking about how much I like him and how great I think he is at his job. Watching his shows and finding more and more reasons to enjoy his characters. Reblogging pretty gifs and interviews and just talking him up in general. Hell, even if THK winds up underutilizing him as much as I fear, I will probably still watch at some point, and I have every confidence he'll rock whatever does get. Maybe someday tides will change. I do think that there's often a tendency to pit two people against each other (or two pairs, or two groups, etc), but maybe someday we can get a little closer to meeting in the middle and being able to say that no, both these things (people) are great, we can actually give them both really meaty parts and they’ll both do amazingly.

Also and maybe most importantly, look at him. Doesn't he just seem really happy and like he's having a ton of fun? Doesn't he seem even more excited than Khaotung to hear him praised? Isn't he the one doing it first (and loudest) most of the time? I don't think that anyone can ever praise Khaotung enough for First, lol. And while we can never know how someone feels in private, if he doesn't seem bothered, I've resolved not to be bothered, either (although I might be sad simply because it's less First content for me, lol).

And on the bright side, if Khaotung really is considered so superior and First stays paired with him, at least we're guaranteed to see him on our screens since surely they'll want to keep Khaotung in work. 🤡

SPOILERS FOR THK NOVEL BELOW - Like actual spoilers, don’t continue if you don't want to know.

As for The Heart Killers novel, saying Kant has story beats beyond being in love with Bison is pretty generous.

Sorry but if the show is even 50% like the novel Kant's shaping up to be even less of a character outside his LI than Sand. It’s so bad that I genuinely wonder if all Khaotung’s talk about how much he likes him is actually an attempt to gaslight us into thinking he’s a real character and not just a cipher to get the real plot rolling / showcase Bison’s awesomeness (no I am not kidding I really wish I was) before the show so we’re more likely to do the footwork of making him make sense ourselves.

Man. I should rewatch Only Friends. Or at least ep 8.

[zealsoughtsequesterustanxiedemon]

Also been thinking on the "inherently evil species" bit of Frieren, and I feel like its a mixed bag of Show versus the Audience. On one hand, I feel like the show so far has done a good job at displaying the world's, Frierens, and demons' biases against demons. More under the cut:

On the world's end, demons have obviously been antagonistic. They grouped together and tried to take over the world, genociding the other intelligent species.

Frieren's bias is well shown; she was one of the people closely affected by that genocide, and the answer her mentor gave to deal with her feelings on that was basically 'dedicate your life to deceiving and killing demons'.

And the demons' bias make sense too. Like, as a society, they treat humans as aliens and themselves as aliens to humans. And so they belittle the parts of themselves that resemble humans and emphasize the parts of themselves that are more unique to demons.

However, I do run into trouble when it sort of feels like most other fans are on a different page. Like a lot of people just believe what gets said about demons without questioning it. For example, "demons are just imitating speech to deceive humans" is something that just gets taken at face value and, like, you see demons actively use it to communicate with each other in private. You see them use it to gloat, threaten, criticize, warn other demons, etc. Like theoretically the speech thing could've been true once, but it's clearly not true now. It feels like a cheap way to other them, which makes sense if it's something that character's are doing within the show but is incredibly weak if it's something the writer is trying to tell me directly.

And like, I don't think the show's saying that. It's just somewhat annoying when that's a lot of other people's takeaway. It feels slightly more nuanced than that. I've also heard from friends who have read the manga that it gets more nuanced than that.

Also, although it's not mine, I can understand the "Frieren is racist" reading for the people who do think the story is actually telling them that demons are inherently evil. Lots of media (especially fantasy) do this and it's never not egregious once you notice it. Especially considering that the main push back to that reading is overly hostile and condescending. Like, if we take the inherently evil species thing at face value, then yes, Frieren isn't a prejudiced because her prejudice is justified.

However, to explain it a bit, this take is more a comment on the story than Frieren herself. Like Frieren isn't a bigot within the story, it's more as if the story itself is bigoted against demons and Frieren is the metaphorical bigot who's actually right about all of her prejudiced beliefs absolving her of the moral complexity of them. In this sense, some people are bothered by this situation because although the demons may not easily map to a "race" of humans in real life, the nature of the prejudice and justifications do mirror bigoted sentiments and stories in real life. And, like, understandably, that makes them uncomfortable with the story. It's like they're reading bigoted propaganda from another world.

Again, this isn't something that I see in the story myself, but I get it. I had seen some friends arguing about it as they were watching the show while airing, and so I decided that I'd have to think about it on my inevitable watch of it (hence why this post is so much longer than the other one). If you think people are fools for seeing that kind of thing in it, then I don't know what to tell you but I'll say that I would prefer people be more wary of that kind of thing in stories than not. Subtext can show up in a work whether a writer/audience wants it to or not.

[throughhazeleyesofgreen]

John Winchester Thoughts Part 1

So, I’m having some John Winchester thoughts on this early Sunday morning as I try to work out how to portray him in my upcoming fic series. A polarizing topic I know but I wanted to share some insights I’ve been thinking about as I dive into the SPN whirlpool for the umpteenth time.

Now while I know some see John Winchester as being abusive, neglectful father at best and right next to the devil at worst, I think the man is much more nuanced than that. I do agree that John was very neglectful to both Sam and Dean at times and there are multiple times in cannon when it referenced, particularly in the early seasons which is where I am drawing most of this portrayal from, but I don’t know if he was out and out physically/verbally abusive as some portray him as. Here are my thoughts as to why.

Now one thing to consider when looking at how John raised the boys, both Dean and Sam were raised in the 80s and 90s. Corporal punishment from parents was very normalized during this time though it was often hidden behind closed doors. I think this is one aspect of their childhood that some of the younger fans have trouble understanding. I know when I was young in the 90s, I had a best friend whose father used the belt very heavily in disciplining his children and it was used as an overarching threat to guarantee good behavior from all kids that spent time in the household. I was also a kid that was spanked on occasion when I acted out though the occasions were rare. It was also used as a threat to guarantee good behavior. This was considered 100% normal at the time and was only really considered abusive if the parent used it excessively and found enjoyment out of the act.

You also have to remember that John is also from the Boomer generation who was also very much raised by parents that used corporal punishments heavily and it wasn’t really hidden by society. If you want a perfect example of this, watch Yankee Doodle Dandy where a kid is disciplined by his father for acting out and talking back to his dad. The act is done very graphically with a belt and in full view of the entire family.

I have also had conversations with my mother where she described punishments like this from her upbringing where this type of punishment was done very publicly and it was considered completely normal by society if not expected for the parent to do. My mom to this day will still side with her father on taking a switch to her for her running down the road and getting near heavy car traffic. She knows it was done out of care and concern from her dad for almost getting killed and it guaranteed she would never do it again. Never mind, she was all of 2-3 at the time and didn’t know better.

Long story short, this was the society John was raised in and it would have been considered completely normal to use corporal punishment on his kids, particularly in matters of life and death or bad behavior. This also was likely internalized by Sam and Dean when they were kids and only questioned as they became adults when society’s viewpoint on parenting styles was changing. So while Sam and Dean were likely physically disciplined as kids, it probably wasn’t thought of as more than “I fucked up, I got punished with the belt, spanked, etc” and case over. I see a lot of this mentality shown by Sam and Dean in the early seasons as I see in my own generation so take that as you will.

[bluedalahorse]

As someone who’s dragged Marcus in comments to friends but has fully embraced the troubled horse nature nuance of August, I’m going to give this exercise a go. Especially because I think it’s important to check my class bias once in a while.

Given the amount of screen time we see Marcus get and the way we see him influencing Simon’s arc, I feel like some good “comp” characters would be Micke and Linda. 

When it comes to Micke’s nuance, we see the hints of how he was abusive toward Linda and the kids and how the whole family carries trauma as a result, but it’s also pretty obvious that Simon got his love of music from his dad and that their relationship had its ups as well as its downs, and that’s bittersweet for Simon. Meanwhile, on the Linda side of things, Linda is pretty loving toward Simon and takes care of him when the video leaks, but she’s also parentified Simon and put him in a position where he feels like he has to take care of Sara and always be the achieving sibling. I don’t think that’s deliberate malice on Linda’s part, but I do think it’s something that’s impacted Simon’s psyche.

I don’t have a perfect read on YR fandom given that I got back on tumblr fairly recently and my past lurking happened in an on and off way, but it does feel like fandom’s decently good at seeing the nuance in Micke. I do see some folks sliding toward the idea of Linda as a Perfect Mom (essentially, doing the opposite of what they do with Marcus) which—I adore Linda, so I love celebrating her, but as someone who likes the complexity of the characters in YR, I also find the idea of her being a Perfect Mom a little boring. (On that note, I also find the idea of Erik as the Perfect Older Brother a little bit boring. He’s so much more interesting when he’s a little ambiguous! But that’s another post for another time.)

I think what Marcus afforded Simon was a space to just not be the kid who sticks out at Hillerska, which is something Simon sorely needed after all the fallout with the video. Marcus hadn’t watched the video (although admittedly @heliza24​ and I were on our guard, wondering the entire season if it was going to turn out that actually, he had all along.) He connects with Simon over music at the karaoke place. He also is willing to drop everything and give Simon rides or help him out with stuff, when in the previous season, Simon often had to drop everything to help out Wilhelm or adjust to Wilhelm’s schedule. And I do think there’s value in Simon’s arc at having someone who’s willing to do that for him.

Where Marcus crosses the line is where he constantly talks over Simon’s feelings, and tries to move their relationship along faster than Simon would want. The part where he explains Simon’s family dynamic was a big yikes for me. Still, this feels like a pretty realistic portrayal of a slightly older teenager (with one foot in adulthood) in a relationship with a slightly younger teenager. (Honestly, Marcus reminded me so much of the two-years-older person I dated through most of college, before I realized I was aromantic—this gave me the icks about him, but it also reminded me how young he was about trying to seem mature.) I don’t know if we have enough data at this point to understand Marcus’s behavior is just like, a thing where he’s nineteen and thinks he knows everything about how relationships are supposed to work and eventually he’ll mellow out, or whether these are concerning patterns that will persist into adulthood and he’ll try to talk over all his partners like that. And to be fair, that’s the boat a lot of Young Royals characters are in. They’re at this crossroads where they have a choice about what kind of adult they want to become. Marcus (like August, actually) is just a lot closer to the shore of adulthood than some of the other teenage characters, and that’s probably giving him a sense of urgency + anxiety that he’s trying to cover up with performative maturity.

I think Marcus makes the most narrative sense when you see him less as a “rival” to Wilhelm but more as an extension of the way Linda and Micke’s influences nudge Simon’s arc into particular twists and turns. And (as I’ve seen others point out) it’s important to remember that Simon has agency too, and is making his own decisions in response to those nudges. It’s complex! And that’s the way we like it.

EDITED TO ADD: I know neither of them thinks so, but in a surprise plot twist I could see Marcus and Nils making things work as a couple. Just going to put that out into the universe to see if anyone has ideas for it.

okay maybe this is a hot take but I'm so tired of y'all acting like marcus is the evil irredeemable person who was only out to get simon and deserves only bad things because he'll never change or something, etc. etc.

like a) he's still a teen and b) he's a character with NUANCE that people are ignoring just bc he got in the way of wilmon, and I'm so sick of the shallow fucking interpretations of him that we keep getting despite the fact that everyone had no problem with seeing august as a well rounded character. and god knows I complain and hate on him as much as the next person because he did do really shitty things, but I also know he's not a one dimensional character who only wanted to manipulate simon through the entire season, and I feel like the fandom has a hard time seeing that because we were already biased against him from the start