askmalal

[askmalal]

i like working at plant store. sometimes you ring up someone and there's a slug on their plant and so you're like "Oh haha you've got a friend there let me get that for you" and you put the slug on your hand for safekeeping but then its really busy and you dont have time to take the slug outside before the next customer in line so you just have a slug chilling on your hand for 15 minutes. really makes you feel at peace with nature. also it means sometimes i get to say my favorite line which is "would you like this free slug with your purchase"

[askmalal]

Q: (Been a while since I’ve had one of these!)

“Greetings, Milord.”

Oh, hello there, Little Mortal.

“What is the best way to practice magic? I’m very interested in learning. The real kind.”

By not starting at all.

Okay. Fine. You want more.

Think, mediate, focus upon the universe around you. Consult multiple sources. Wicca is nonsense. (No, really - ask actual scholars.) Most modern “interpretations” of ancient mythology and lore for “magic” are nonsense. Seek out the oldest, most reliable source you can find. And remember that you can’t buy what you call “magic” in a shop selling crystals, incense, lava lamps, and tarot decks.

Most of all? Roll well on your sanity checks….

Thank you for your question, little mortal.

[askmalal]

Q: (Been a while since I’ve had one of these!)

“Greetings, Milord.”

Oh, hello there, Little Mortal.

“What is the best way to practice magic? I’m very interested in learning. The real kind.”

By not starting at all.

Okay. Fine. You want more.

Think, mediate, focus upon the universe around you. Consult multiple sources. Wicca is nonsense. (No, really - ask actual scholars.) Most modern “interpretations” of ancient mythology and lore for “magic” are nonsense. Seek out the oldest, most reliable source you can find. And remember that you can’t buy what you call “magic” in a shop selling crystals, incense, lava lamps, and tarot decks.

Most of all? Roll well on your sanity checks….

Thank you for your question, little mortal.

[askmalal]

Some April fools shenanigans featuring Magnus playing pranks on his brothers...

Beardus deletus

Body switch (you can tell who's who because Sanguinius never wears pants and Konrad never bathes)

And much more...

The face of someone who did nothing wrong

[askmalal]

[askmalal]

Mmmmmmm macaromi and chees

[askmalal]

“Better free in shitte than slavery in silk.”

- Actual motto of a band of Clubmen during the English Civil Wars

“Born in shit. Only the depth varies.”

- From the flag of a unit of Catholic peasants, Thirty Years War (Context: raised from an area whose population had been abused and massacred by Saxon troops, they fought like lions.)

[askmalal]

Exorcists Chapter

4am - Pre-Matin Matins

5am - Matins

6am - Repeat mantra “We are not Imperial Fists Successors” quietly to self for an hour.

7am - Breakfast: Gruel or Cap’n Crunch. Owing to confusion, “Corn Flakes” no longer offered.

8am - Homily by Chapter Master. This morning: “Editions Change But you Don’t Have To.”

9am - Lecture from the Reverend Sister Josephine. This morning: “Ego is the greatest sin, a life of ADB and Matt Ward.”

10am - Rehearsals for First Communion, Confession, or Confirmation.

11am - Basic training for possession with mild mannered Warp entities. This week: Don Knotts.

Noon - Noon Prayers.

1pm - Lunch

1:30 - Recess. Prayer cards often traded before a game of kickball.

2pm - Hand to Hand Combat Training with angry Bavarian nuns.

3pm - “Daemons are pussy ass bitches,” with Brother-Chaplain Quintillus.

4pm - P.E. with Canoness Lubella

5pm - Evening Mass.

5:30 - Theology lessons. This week, “Scientologists and Mormons are full of shit. Most others aren’t far behind.”

6pm - Creative Writing. This week “Write a letter to convince an Imperial citizens that Grey Knights are Fictional.”

7pm - Vespers

8pm - A Modest Dinner

9pm - Compline

9:15 - Lecture by Company Chaplain “Why touching yourself is a bad idea when possessed. Also, don’t touch yourself.”

10pm - Lights Out. Brothers secretly exchange photos of Sisters of Battle in their school uniforms.

12am - Midnight Mass

12:30 - “Suprise” Night March

1am - Back to Bed

Two Ultramarines neophytes/Scouts and their daily training schedule.

Which makes me wonder, what would a day’s training schedule look like for scouts of other Legions?

From Pharos.

[askmalal]

Space Wolves -

4am - Wake up senior officer, demand to go for a short hike. Hike paradoxically longer of the officer is uncomfortable, cold, or in a deep sleep.

6am - Walkies.

7am-12 noon - Sleep

Afternoon - Indifferentlv pick at food during free moments. Find plausible excuses to appear when veterans are eating in the Mjod Hall and politely watch them eat, making occasional noises if they do not share.

1pm - “Yoink, come get it, and it’s principles as applied to modern mechanized warfare” with Brother-Captain Snorri

3pm Dueling cages.

4pm Firing Range

5pm Leman Russ lectures scouts about how he has no beard, Rogal Dorn has no mutton chops or mustache, and that they should just accept it and stop sharing those stupid memes

6pm Health Films with Bjorn the Fell Handed. This evening, “Your body is changing. How to survive second puberty at 40.”

7pm - Lectures. This month: guest lecturer Doctor Aedith of the Imperial Army Apothecarion. “Rawhide and Nylabones - Deadly Indiscretion”

8pm - Break into groups for readings. First Years begin the Icelandic Sagas. All others given free time to read Tacitus, Arrian, Maurice, or “Clifford: the Big Red Dog”

9pm - Demand officers accompany you to bed and hour before they are ready.

10pm - Ear Scratchins’

11pm - Brief stop at convenient tree for pre-meditation pee.

11:30 Lights Out

Two Ultramarines neophytes/Scouts and their daily training schedule.

Which makes me wonder, what would a day’s training schedule look like for scouts of other Legions?

From Pharos.

[askmalal]

Being a sane person in the USA right now feels a lot like being Garviel Loken.

[askmalal]

“Those who bend I shall cut. Those who stand, I shall burn.”

- The Eleventh Primarch during an unnamed Compliance, M31

[askmalal]

The Primarchs and Their Brothers, Part XIII continued.

I. The Lion:

“Rarely does a man draw a sword who has tongue sharp enough to match it.”

II. [REDACTED]

“They always say that Mortarion or Perturabo are most intelligent among us. That Sanguinius is the best leader of men. Or that Dorn alone is tactically flawless. Look upon the Empire of Ultramar. Reassess your criticisms.”

III. Fulgrim:

“If my father is warfare perfected, then Roboute is the most direct scion of that perfection, not I.”

IV. Perturabo:

“One of only a few people I am content to acknowledge as an equal. From the standpoint of making war, I exceed him only in the matter of logistics. “

V. The Khan:

“Few who study history realize that the chief and most dangerous quality of the Roman was his viciousness; the capacity of Roman soldiers to refuse to accept that they had been beaten. My brother is the pinnacle of that idea. Underestimate him as a laurel wreath wearing dandy at your peril.”

VI. The Russ:

“The man is exceptional match in all games of strategy.”

VII. Rogal Dorn:

“I bethought myself closest to the ancient legionaries in mannerisms and taste from which our father cast the mold. And then I met him…. I am at best a Germanicus to his Julius.”

VIII. Konrad Curze:

“Pity Caesar, who will suffer the blades of a thousand senators and never die from a one.”

IX. Sanguinius:

“Chief amongst those whom I would fear to face across a battlefield.”

X. Ferrus Manus:

“His humanity and his tolerance are both weakness and strength. His deeds will long outshine our own, humble efforts.”

XI. [REDACTED]

“Never make the mistake of forgetting that he has, from first meeting, analyzed, studied, obsessively considered your every strength and weakness.”

XII. Angron

“Warm, compassionate. But would obliterate a species in a second if he felt doing so would save two more!”

XIV. Mortarion:

“His tolerance and humanity are well displayed. They are, as a consequence, quite easy to exploit. Weakness, no matter its’ intent, is still weakness.”

XV. Magnus:

“I confess I do not understand a man for whom all things can be explored with logic alone.”

XVI. Horus:

“There is a certain, calculated cruelty, in stoicism.”

XVII. Lorgar:

“People believe that Russ or Lion’El are father’s pets. They are wrong.”

XVIII. Vulkan:

“A most honorable man. A most excellent reaper of men.”

XIX. Corax:

“Second of my brothers, so I am lead to understand, to outlaw slavery in his own home star system.”

XX. Alpharius Omegon:

“The most dangerous of father’s children. No other is better suited to the role he plays. And father knows it.”

[askmalal]

what do you mean elon musk did a nazi salute on live tv at the united states presidential inauguration twice and is now erasing the evidence off the internet by replacing the footage with the crowd cheering instead?

would be a shame if people reblogged this, wouldn’t it?

[askmalal]

I think Ratchet and Cosmos were always my favorites.

Transformuary Day 1: Favorite Autobot

i mean come on who else

[askmalal]

No. This isn’t the right take.

Be furious, be angry, and be afraid. Be vocal about it. Because “taking a deep breath” and “waiting for the experts to chime in” is what -normalizes- this vile group of people. We no longer have the luxury of dismissing this merely as “bat shit insane.” We tried that for four years, with zero consequences, just as we did after Bush 2. We pretended that we should “move on,” and that all of this was merely an aberration.

It is -not-, and every time we say “take a breath, and calm down, pal, it isn’t so bad,” we normalize revanchist Fascism in this country.

Don’t calm down. RESIST.

Food for thought

[askmalal]

On The Primarchs: The Primarchs on their Father.

1. The Lion

“My father is the savior of humanity, in a secular sense. Why he chose to reveal himself when he did I’ve no idea. That he is the key to our future I have no doubt. I would die for him a thousand times over. And when you meet him, you will understand why.”

2. [REDACTED]

“He keeps a garden, you know. A garden. The most powerful human being, perhaps the most powerful human being in history, keeps a garden of his own. Oft have I had the privilege to walk it.”

3. Fulgrim

“Art, there is your beauty. Beauty, there is your art. A thousand things might I endure, but never lose my love for him.”

4. Perturabo

“Warfare perfected. Administration perfected. An icon.”

5. The Khan

“I like him. I like him very much. He has a most astounding laugh. It cools the soul like a rainstorm after a lifetime in a khamsin. It gives one the unfettered joy of a schoolchild once again, and reminds one of the brightest, happiest places in existence.”

6. Leman Russ

“Drank me under the table, once. [REDACTED] came close. Only my father did so. I saw him halt a parade to lift up a child and hear its questions. Speak to him, hear him say a few words. And then accuse me again of mindlessly following him.””

7. Rogal Dorn

“A broader appreciation for and knowledge of literature I have never seen. All the more impressive to discuss, say, Faust, with a man who knew its author!”

8. Kurze

“The Night Haunter fears him. The Night Haunter obeys him. But for me… he makes the nightmares go away.”

9. Sanguinius

“I am no angel. There stands the closest thing one might find to exemplified divinity.”

10. Ferrus Manus

“I have rarely felt love for anyone or anything. He is a rare exception.”

11. [REDACTED]

“Understand that he is what each who sees, hears, feels him needs him to be. He is not as cold, but neither is he as idealistic, as others might say. And the way he presents himself to me will (I grant) be very different from the way he presents himself to you.”

12. Angron

“…Obedience and love do not equate to understanding or forgetfulness.”

13. Roboute Guilliman

“Have you spoken to Caesar Augustus? Have you listened to John the Baptist laugh? Have you seen Napoleon explain his vision for Europe to a group of historians thirty thousand years after Waterloo? I have.”

14. Mortarion

“He is a being of absolute Reason. None of us can truly claim to know him entirely. Divine from that what you will. “

15. Magnus the Red

“I dreamed of a hero during my childhood. I met that hero when I became a man.”

16. Horus Lupercal

“He is… everything.”

17. Lorgar

“The Divine rarely reveals itself without consequence.”

18. Vulkan

“His is the compassion of a thousand burning suns, a million souls. Countless lifetimes. I do not claim to understand every act. But I am without doubt that all are calculated for the greater good.”

19. Corvus Corax

“He did not question my appearance. Did not judge me. He merely asked after my wellness, and embraced me without question. That is a father. That is -my- father.”

20. Alpharius

“Think of me what you will, but when asked about my father I am often at a loss for words. How can I well articulate to another what I have experienced with my father except to say that you would not believe it any mouth? How I can show you what even the most enlightened eyes struggle to see? Personal experience is not empirical. But it is all I have.”

[askmalal]

Excerpts from “On the Primarchs, Volume V” Part 2

“…I asked him if it was that he had no common company with his brothers, whether he did not avail himself of their company. My friend - as I am honored now to call me - cocked his head at me curiously.

‘So, Laura,’ he asked, ‘do you mean to ask me as politely as you can whether I dislike my brothers, whether indeed I find kinship with -any-? ‘

I blanched ‘Well… yeah, that’s the question.’

‘Every family has its squabbles,’ was the reply. My look apparently told him that the answer disappointed me. And not because of some desire for drama.

He laughed, ‘Alright then. That is fair. Yes. I do happen to feel kinship with… with some of them. I think that Corvus and I have a great deal in common. The Wolf and I are certainly… cut from the same cloth I think it is fair to say. I like him very much. The Lion I understand but he rarely regards me as more than a distantly deployed, disobedient little brother. Sanguinius… who does not like Sanguinius? Vulkan of course. There was always…”

He stopped himself from whatever it was he was saying, and shook his head. ‘Others… they are simply different people. Different men. That is not my objection. My objection is that they act the part of perfumed lords in an epic of old Gallia. They can be insular.. difficult…’

‘What was it you were going to say, old friend? I’ve never seen you hesitate when being so frank otherwise,’ I asked.

‘Nothing. It was nothing. An old friend whose memory flashed before my eyes. Before your time, I’m afraid.’ He was lying. I let it pass.

‘And the others? You say they are like insular nobles when compared you?’ I continued.

‘With -regards- to me, Laura. With -regards- to me.’”

- Laura Enkebbe, Remembrancer to the Khan, mid M31.

“The Imperial Senate are so fond of each other that I’m surprised that more of them don’t have children with Habsburg chins.”

“Habsburg chins, my lord?”

“*sighs, makes an expletive in old Tibetan*…It’s an incest joke, Gyaltse…”

- Conversation with a Stormcaller

“Angron, you stark raving, inconsiderate, arrogant, utterly irretrievably unpleasant bastard. I could just kiss you.”

- on World Eaters tanks and the relief of the Siege of Mukden Colony.

“KNOW Alpharius? Really? Does anyone -really- know Alpharius?”

- to an Iterator, M32