askmalal

[askmalal]

Everybody knows of course that Curze is the Jersey Devil, right?

The last post made me think, Primarchs and their preferred US states/cities? Yes I realize our country is fucked to hell right now, but so was the Imperium and a little levity is good right?

Konrad Curze - Maine. Once had brunch with Stephen King. Didn’t understand why the man was taking notes instead of running away screaming like most people do?

Corvus Corax - Illinois, specifically Chicago. Aesthetic! ✨🖤

Angron - Florida. King of the Waffle House. Protector of Gators.

Fulgrim - California. His perfect home-away-from-home. Culture and the arts, natural beauty, beautiful people, and most importantly - All the Wineries.

Magnus - Nevada, specifically Las Vegas. The House always wins.

Horus Lupercal - Texas, see also “everything is bigger in…”

[askmalal]

Originally, they were marginally taller. 6’4-7’5. Even today, the shortest are supposed to stand below seven feet. Most fans, however, seem to confuse their dimensions with Thunder Warriors.

It’s interesting to me that the implication recently has been that, post-Heresy, Astartes actually got somewhat smaller, and that the Primaris Astartes may well be legionary size.

However, GW will never, never, formally condone or deny any implications, owing to a lack of story bible, minus a new codex writer - and even they contradict each other.

Favorite bit of 40k Fandom misinformation?

All the Alpha Legionnaires being tall, maybe. That one is funny to me just for logistical reasons. The guys who famously infiltrate other chapters are all bizarrely large. Just picture that.

“Which of you could be the traitor? WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS ON THIS, NINE FOOT TALL NEW GUY?”

[askmalal]

happy mother’s day 🩵

[askmalal]

Night Lord

by Zhang Bozi

[askmalal]

i like working at plant store. sometimes you ring up someone and there's a slug on their plant and so you're like "Oh haha you've got a friend there let me get that for you" and you put the slug on your hand for safekeeping but then its really busy and you dont have time to take the slug outside before the next customer in line so you just have a slug chilling on your hand for 15 minutes. really makes you feel at peace with nature. also it means sometimes i get to say my favorite line which is "would you like this free slug with your purchase"

[askmalal]

Q: (Been a while since I’ve had one of these!)

“Greetings, Milord.”

Oh, hello there, Little Mortal.

“What is the best way to practice magic? I’m very interested in learning. The real kind.”

By not starting at all.

Okay. Fine. You want more.

Think, mediate, focus upon the universe around you. Consult multiple sources. Wicca is nonsense. (No, really - ask actual scholars.) Most modern “interpretations” of ancient mythology and lore for “magic” are nonsense. Seek out the oldest, most reliable source you can find. And remember that you can’t buy what you call “magic” in a shop selling crystals, incense, lava lamps, and tarot decks.

Most of all? Roll well on your sanity checks….

Thank you for your question, little mortal.

[askmalal]

Q: (Been a while since I’ve had one of these!)

“Greetings, Milord.”

Oh, hello there, Little Mortal.

“What is the best way to practice magic? I’m very interested in learning. The real kind.”

By not starting at all.

Okay. Fine. You want more.

Think, mediate, focus upon the universe around you. Consult multiple sources. Wicca is nonsense. (No, really - ask actual scholars.) Most modern “interpretations” of ancient mythology and lore for “magic” are nonsense. Seek out the oldest, most reliable source you can find. And remember that you can’t buy what you call “magic” in a shop selling crystals, incense, lava lamps, and tarot decks.

Most of all? Roll well on your sanity checks….

Thank you for your question, little mortal.

[askmalal]

Some April fools shenanigans featuring Magnus playing pranks on his brothers...

Beardus deletus

Body switch (you can tell who's who because Sanguinius never wears pants and Konrad never bathes)

And much more...

The face of someone who did nothing wrong

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[askmalal]

Mmmmmmm macaromi and chees

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“Better free in shitte than slavery in silk.”

- Actual motto of a band of Clubmen during the English Civil Wars

“Born in shit. Only the depth varies.”

- From the flag of a unit of Catholic peasants, Thirty Years War (Context: raised from an area whose population had been abused and massacred by Saxon troops, they fought like lions.)

[askmalal]

Exorcists Chapter

4am - Pre-Matin Matins

5am - Matins

6am - Repeat mantra “We are not Imperial Fists Successors” quietly to self for an hour.

7am - Breakfast: Gruel or Cap’n Crunch. Owing to confusion, “Corn Flakes” no longer offered.

8am - Homily by Chapter Master. This morning: “Editions Change But you Don’t Have To.”

9am - Lecture from the Reverend Sister Josephine. This morning: “Ego is the greatest sin, a life of ADB and Matt Ward.”

10am - Rehearsals for First Communion, Confession, or Confirmation.

11am - Basic training for possession with mild mannered Warp entities. This week: Don Knotts.

Noon - Noon Prayers.

1pm - Lunch

1:30 - Recess. Prayer cards often traded before a game of kickball.

2pm - Hand to Hand Combat Training with angry Bavarian nuns.

3pm - “Daemons are pussy ass bitches,” with Brother-Chaplain Quintillus.

4pm - P.E. with Canoness Lubella

5pm - Evening Mass.

5:30 - Theology lessons. This week, “Scientologists and Mormons are full of shit. Most others aren’t far behind.”

6pm - Creative Writing. This week “Write a letter to convince an Imperial citizens that Grey Knights are Fictional.”

7pm - Vespers

8pm - A Modest Dinner

9pm - Compline

9:15 - Lecture by Company Chaplain “Why touching yourself is a bad idea when possessed. Also, don’t touch yourself.”

10pm - Lights Out. Brothers secretly exchange photos of Sisters of Battle in their school uniforms.

12am - Midnight Mass

12:30 - “Suprise” Night March

1am - Back to Bed

Two Ultramarines neophytes/Scouts and their daily training schedule.

Which makes me wonder, what would a day’s training schedule look like for scouts of other Legions?

From Pharos.

[askmalal]

Space Wolves -

4am - Wake up senior officer, demand to go for a short hike. Hike paradoxically longer of the officer is uncomfortable, cold, or in a deep sleep.

6am - Walkies.

7am-12 noon - Sleep

Afternoon - Indifferentlv pick at food during free moments. Find plausible excuses to appear when veterans are eating in the Mjod Hall and politely watch them eat, making occasional noises if they do not share.

1pm - “Yoink, come get it, and it’s principles as applied to modern mechanized warfare” with Brother-Captain Snorri

3pm Dueling cages.

4pm Firing Range

5pm Leman Russ lectures scouts about how he has no beard, Rogal Dorn has no mutton chops or mustache, and that they should just accept it and stop sharing those stupid memes

6pm Health Films with Bjorn the Fell Handed. This evening, “Your body is changing. How to survive second puberty at 40.”

7pm - Lectures. This month: guest lecturer Doctor Aedith of the Imperial Army Apothecarion. “Rawhide and Nylabones - Deadly Indiscretion”

8pm - Break into groups for readings. First Years begin the Icelandic Sagas. All others given free time to read Tacitus, Arrian, Maurice, or “Clifford: the Big Red Dog”

9pm - Demand officers accompany you to bed and hour before they are ready.

10pm - Ear Scratchins’

11pm - Brief stop at convenient tree for pre-meditation pee.

11:30 Lights Out

Two Ultramarines neophytes/Scouts and their daily training schedule.

Which makes me wonder, what would a day’s training schedule look like for scouts of other Legions?

From Pharos.

[askmalal]

Being a sane person in the USA right now feels a lot like being Garviel Loken.

[askmalal]

“Those who bend I shall cut. Those who stand, I shall burn.”

- The Eleventh Primarch during an unnamed Compliance, M31

[askmalal]

The Primarchs and Their Brothers, Part XIII continued.

I. The Lion:

“Rarely does a man draw a sword who has tongue sharp enough to match it.”

II. [REDACTED]

“They always say that Mortarion or Perturabo are most intelligent among us. That Sanguinius is the best leader of men. Or that Dorn alone is tactically flawless. Look upon the Empire of Ultramar. Reassess your criticisms.”

III. Fulgrim:

“If my father is warfare perfected, then Roboute is the most direct scion of that perfection, not I.”

IV. Perturabo:

“One of only a few people I am content to acknowledge as an equal. From the standpoint of making war, I exceed him only in the matter of logistics. “

V. The Khan:

“Few who study history realize that the chief and most dangerous quality of the Roman was his viciousness; the capacity of Roman soldiers to refuse to accept that they had been beaten. My brother is the pinnacle of that idea. Underestimate him as a laurel wreath wearing dandy at your peril.”

VI. The Russ:

“The man is exceptional match in all games of strategy.”

VII. Rogal Dorn:

“I bethought myself closest to the ancient legionaries in mannerisms and taste from which our father cast the mold. And then I met him…. I am at best a Germanicus to his Julius.”

VIII. Konrad Curze:

“Pity Caesar, who will suffer the blades of a thousand senators and never die from a one.”

IX. Sanguinius:

“Chief amongst those whom I would fear to face across a battlefield.”

X. Ferrus Manus:

“His humanity and his tolerance are both weakness and strength. His deeds will long outshine our own, humble efforts.”

XI. [REDACTED]

“Never make the mistake of forgetting that he has, from first meeting, analyzed, studied, obsessively considered your every strength and weakness.”

XII. Angron

“Warm, compassionate. But would obliterate a species in a second if he felt doing so would save two more!”

XIV. Mortarion:

“His tolerance and humanity are well displayed. They are, as a consequence, quite easy to exploit. Weakness, no matter its’ intent, is still weakness.”

XV. Magnus:

“I confess I do not understand a man for whom all things can be explored with logic alone.”

XVI. Horus:

“There is a certain, calculated cruelty, in stoicism.”

XVII. Lorgar:

“People believe that Russ or Lion’El are father’s pets. They are wrong.”

XVIII. Vulkan:

“A most honorable man. A most excellent reaper of men.”

XIX. Corax:

“Second of my brothers, so I am lead to understand, to outlaw slavery in his own home star system.”

XX. Alpharius Omegon:

“The most dangerous of father’s children. No other is better suited to the role he plays. And father knows it.”

[askmalal]

what do you mean elon musk did a nazi salute on live tv at the united states presidential inauguration twice and is now erasing the evidence off the internet by replacing the footage with the crowd cheering instead?

would be a shame if people reblogged this, wouldn’t it?