#I think my joke stem complains tag is literally just

[yourfavoritehouseplant]

Why is the proventriculus of an insect analogous to the gizzard of a bird and not like. The proventriculus of the bird. They named the bug terms AFTER the bird terms!!!

[honeytea8]

✨✨La Squadra Boyfriend Headcanons✨✨

[Alexa, play Boyfriend by Big Time Rush]

Guys, I spend an ungodly amount of time thinking about La Squadra, so here are some bf headcanons for the sexiest group of assassins in Naples. No one asked but I am bringing it straight to your dash anyway! (under the cut for length lmao)

I’m going to start with Prosciutto, who has recently fallen on my radar pretty heavy! 

He’s a good and decent boyfriend, if not a busy one. Not that he doesn’t care about the relationship, but most of his energy was going to Passione things before you waltzed in and so he’ll struggle a bit between his work responsibilities and maintaining his relationship with you, but only in the beginning. 

If you are also a part of Passione, it’s a hell of a lot easier to manage. 

I see Prosciutto as the gift-giving type: lingerie, sweets, perfume, designers, etc. His salary isn’t the best, but he manages it as well as he can just to accommodate you! 

I just can’t get the idea out of my head that Pro was raised by a strict mama, that’s why he can be a bit of a stickler sometimes. He’ll catch you still lounging in bed at nine am, and be like “Why are you still in bed? Get dressed, we’re going out.” Dude!

I’m sorry to say, but Prosciutto is absolutely the ‘lecturing’ type. (He lectured someone in nearly every scene in the anime, Formaggio once and Pesci numerously and Bucci too) 

He will lecture you when you make mistakes, especially because as his s/o, he has high expectations for you and believes you’re capable of so much more. It’s never, ever out of hate. He loves you, and that’s why he chides you a bit lol. 

This does not negate the fact that he doesn't mind when you lean on him for support. He likes when you count on him, because he always comes through especially for you!

Depending on whether you’re in the mafia or not, I totally see him sparring with you, or working out with you in an effort to make you tough. Prosciutto wants you to be able to defend yourself, just in case. If you complain, he’ll tell you, “Better safe than sorry, tesoro”.

Prosciutto will respect you, period.

A good listener, goddamn! He’s up there with Risotto when it comes to who listens to their s/o more! If you have an issue, he’ll hear you out and offer advice if you want it. If you give him advice, he’ll take it into serious consideration. He’s honestly a good partner, can’t stress that enough.

Finally, sex with Pro is an entire event. Romantic dinner, candles lit, wine, the whole nine yards before he gives you nine inches of something else :) (I’m kidding!! Lmao, kinda). 

But as I said, Prosciutto is quite deliberate, and a bit of a perfectionist. He knows what to do and how to do it, you can trust him.

Ghiaccio is next only because he’s my favorite. 

The ice gremlin is probably the most interesting (and hilarious) boyfriend out of the bunch (I say this with only a tidbit of bias). He isn’t funny himself, but funny shit just happens to him. 

Because of this, he will use you as a soundboard when everyone else refuses to listen to him. He’s got a lot to say, so be prepared for his TEDtalks. LMAO!

It will take some perception on your part to notice when he actually expects a response from you, and other times he’s just ranting to get his point out. 

He will correct your grammar when you text, but barely notices when he makes a similar mistake (his brain moves in mph). Please use the proper names like Venezia, Italia, Roma and Napoli when talking to this man; save yourself from the headache.

When it comes to dates, please have mercy on him, he’s a textbook over-thinker! You’ll just have to plan something simple at home for you both to enjoy. 

He isn’t incapable of planning dates, but he’ll want everything to be so absolutely perfect for his s/o and will throw a fit when it ultimately isn’t. 

Contrary to popular belief, I think that Ghiaccio is a pretty attentive partner. He’s super intelligent and I think a part of it stems from his innate ability to read people (I’m referencing the part in the anime where he deduced what Giorno and Mista had come to look for, while going off very little information). 

The more time he spends with you, the better he gets at it. 

His form of affection will be shown through the amount of time you both spend together. When it comes to sex or anything related to that, be gentle and slow as Ghiaccio will likely be a flustered mess. 

As he becomes more comfortable and confident, he will be bolder and just ask out right if you’ll suck him off tonight or not. The man appreciates directness, so don’t bother being coy. “You want me to give you head? Cool, lay down a towel or something.” is what he’ll probably say.

Very practical 👌🏾👌🏾

Melone, good lord, he’s kind of perfect. 

A bit of a doting boyfriend here and there—very much concerned about your health. Expect him to ask if you’ve eaten, or taken your multivitamin. How are your bowel movements?  LMAO

It can become a bit much, but he really genuinely cares. He’s not asking to be intrusive or nasty! If he was, you’d know. 🤣

But I seriously consider Melone to be the one (at least among La Squadra) who is way, way invested in his relationships. He will know every little detail about you; will ask you lots of questions and expects you to ask him just as many. 

This may be annoying to some, but this dude will definitely bring up your horoscope in an argument. He’ll be like “I honestly can’t fathom why you’re being this way, though it’s to be expected from a libra.” 

Peg this bitch so he can shut up.  

Melone is also touchy as hell, but not in a clingy way. He loves touching, and just to tag onto the headcanon about his partial blindness, I want to say that he’s so touchy because that’s how he ‘sees’ you best.

Just know that half the time, he isn’t touching you to be lecherous, even if he genuinely does like the feel of your skin under his fingertips. Melone will even encourage you to touch him back. 

Rub his thigh or back and he’ll be simping.

He is obsessed with your legs, and will paint your toes if you let him. 

LOVES PDA! Melone will also tongue-kiss you in public if you let him!

Notice how I keep saying ‘if you let him’. Give him an inch and he’ll press you for a mile, so if there are boundaries you would like to establish, please do, cuz he sure as hell won’t, just saying!

When it comes to sex, Melone is a dick and coochie sensei. Oral is his favorite thing to do, probably enjoys giving more than receiving to be honest. I’d say he’s pretty much mastered sex for what it is. 

That being said, if he’s ever talking out of his neck, just invite him to put his mouth to better use. He’ll even thank you for your gracious request.

Formaggio is next 💀 

According to my JoJo compatriots from discord, he’s like the Optimus Prime of fuckboi’s so let’s ride that wave for a bit! LMAO

I hope it doesn’t come as a surprise that Formaggio is pretty shameless. He will send you a dick pic on Sunday morning before church and have the audacity to say “Just wanted to bless you real quick”. 

@autumn-kouhai mentioned him giving his s/o sickly sweet pet names and I just have to agree. 

Expect to be hit upside the head with: baby-boo, sugar plum, honey bunches, sweetums. I can imagine them becoming really ridiculous too like “the last piece of red velvet cake” or “cheddar bae biscuits from Red Lobster”

His catch phrase is “Got nudes?”

Send them, and he won’t be afraid to reply with something equally sexy. 

Be warned though, he will stockpile whatever you send him and then be careless with his phone. If you don’t mind Illuso’s snoopy ass seeing your nudes then by all means, have at it. Otherwise, send them through snapchat, so they disappear later. 

As far as La Squadra boyfriends go, he’s the most fun! Y’all don’t even go anywhere because man’s is broke. BUT, Formaggio knows how to have a good time without any need to spend money (my kind of dude tbh) you guys just crank up the tunes, dance, and get lit until the neighbors complain. 

Formi is also the CEO of jokes/memes, and will have you in absolute tears almost always! I literally tell my friends that funny guys are so dangerous, don’t sleep on them! They will make you laugh until your panties drop, it’s magic, I swear. Formaggio has that same energy. 

No matter how bad of a day his s/o is having, rest assured, he will draw the biggest laugh out of you.

Besides his fuckboi tendencies, his most redeeming quality is the fact that he’s super cool and fun to hang with. You’ll literally have a good time, always, because his energy is right! Very good vibes around this man, I swear! It’ll be exactly like dating your best friend, because essentially, he will be your bestie.

Formi has many moments of tenderness that aren’t sexually charged too—moments where the jokes stop and he’ll just rub your back or feet, this is usually when you aren’t feeling well and need some quiet. 

However, Formaggio won’t let you mope all day, he’ll pull out the big guns and call you his “sweetie baby” and when you try to resist he’ll say “What, I’m just tryna show you some love.”

He’s a good dude lmao I’d date a guy like him irl 😭

Pesci stans wya??! Let’s get into this baby boy. 

Pesci is boyfriend material, idgaf what anyone says. 

He is pretty much the least problematic to be with among all of La Squadra, even more so than Risotto (don’t argue with me). 

Pesci is hyper aware of your likes and dislikes and will literally go out of his way to make sure that you’re well and okay. 

Arguments are basically nonexistent and if they occur it ain’t coming from his side. 

I also think that Pesci has a lot of empathy, so when you’re going through something, he’s right there in the thick of it with you. If you’ve seen that meme that goes ‘when my gf is on her period it’s UterUS’ lmao that’s Pesci’s energy 100%. 

Sometimes, he’s more of a lover and not a fight, that is perfectly okay!

However, if someone tries up his s/o, say farewell to Mr. Niceguy. He will defend your honor to his dying breath. And with you in his corner, trust me, he’s not going down. 

A romantic at heart, Pesci will plan little date trips like picnics in the park or boat trips to Capri, actually, I’d like to point out that he excels in the art of date planning. If you’re the adventurous type, he’ll plan outings where you both will be more active, like biking through the city or renting a mop-ed and going sight-seeing. 

Because Pesci has a sensitive stomach, he’s very much considerate of what you both put in your bodies. If you have dietary restrictions or allergies, this guy knows all about it and will cater to you perfectly. 

A true gentleman through and through, he will never force himself on you, ever. In fact, he really doesn’t like engaging in anything sexual when you’re drunk or high, sorry if you’re into that! 

Pesci is the kind of guy who keeps up with your favorite shows.

If ya’ll have similar taste in media or literature, he will immerse himself in it so that he can relate to you all the more.

If there’s anyone who will entertain anime-related discourse, no matter how nonsensical, it’s Pesci. And he isn’t just putting up with it, he’s actively engaging in the conversation so you are always heard and validated. 

He’s an A+ boyfriend, that’s all I gotta say! Haters can stay mad :)

Goddamn Illuso... idk man.

I really feel like you have to have thick/tough skin to handle this guy, for various reasons. 

The first being that Illuso can be a bit mean at first. He’ll push your buttons on purpose just to see what’ll make you tick. Will tease the living heck out of you, always, kind of a bully lmao but not to the extreme, it’s just his brand of humor—and the thing is, he won’t be mad when you dish it right back, so it’s cool. 

Secondly, Illuso has big dick energy!! 

I mean rightfully so, because he is indeed packing! But my word, he ain’t humble about it at all! 

He is not above making jokes about ‘splitting you in half’. In fact all of his jokes have hidden, dirty undertones! 

His affection is shown through speech mostly. Illuso will drop subtle innuendos and provocations, half to see you flustered and half because he wants you to know how much he wants you. 

Illuso isn’t incredibly vocal about his feelings outside of ‘I’m tryna hit that thang’ but you won’t doubt that he loves you because Illuso doesn’t waste his own time. 

If he’s spending his time with you, you can rest assured that it’s because he wants to. 

Illuso is a voyeur and you’ll just have to understand/accept that and move on. 

He loves watching you and will even creep over to your place through the mirror world just to hang or watch you do chores. Loves to surprise you and give you jump scares lmao it’ll make you a tad paranoid but it’s also fun. 

Illuso is prone to random bouts of sweetness; it’s very sporadic, very touch-and-go. 

One day, you’ll wake up to chocolates on your dresser or new shoes, lingerie, or makeup if you wear it. I imagine that if you’re low on funds, he will even help you buy your groceries that week. 

It’ll surprise the hell out of you, but that’s just how Illuso is. He enjoys keeping you on your toes! 

He’s prideful and smug as hell, so he will definitely expect a thank you, because even if he does it out of the kindness in his heart, he also wants to hear that you appreciate him

Same goes for the bedroom scene. Illuso loves making you vocal, it’s his favorite thing in the world, so he’ll make a game out of doing the things that get the biggest reaction out of you. Like I said, it's that big dick energy at work here, smh.

Sorbet and Gelato in a polyamorous relationship with you? Let’s get it! 

We don’t get anything substantial about these two except that Sorbet follows the money, so these are all personal headcanons for how I see and write them. 

Here’s the juice: when it comes to you as their s/o, these two are possessive as hell. You are theirs and that’s that on that! 😭 Don’t ask questions, just go with it.

Sorbet is the chill one of the duo. He can be a bit smug at times, but he’s mostly a laid back dude who doesn’t get bothered by much.

When it comes to you, Sorbet likes to spend quality time with you more than anything, and will ask you to cook for him at your place so he ain’t gotta spend money. Oh? Did I not mention that I kinda think of him as a cheapskate? Lmao cuz I do.

Sorbet will come by your place just to steal your coupons from the mail then head out; you’re not using ‘em so why should he let them go to waste?

Gelato is the complete opposite; personality wise, I headcanon him as a mix between Melone and Formaggio lmao

But it’s not as crazy as it sounds, he’s cute and outspoken like Melone, while maintaining a free-spirit like Formaggio. One quality that I like is that he’s quite devoted to you and Sorbet. If anyone crosses either of you, goodluck to them!

I like to think Gelato’s also just really boujee and high maintenance. He loves to pamper and be pampered. You and him tag-team Sorbet’s wallet and go on spa dates together at his expense (not that he ever really stood a chance)

While Sorbet is cool with just being in the same room as you, Gelato loves hugging/cuddling with you and Sorbet—will definitely fight for the middle spot between the two of you on the couch during movie nights.

He baby, so let him have it lol

In the bedroom, I would salute anyone with the guts to take the two of them on. They both lay down that work, period. 

Sorbet gets his kicks from teasing and edging you (his sadistic side comes out a bit), while Gelato loves when you give him extra TLC. To put it short, they know how to take care of you, so there are no issues there. 

Last but not least, Mr. Risotto Nero himself.

Man, idc on the lowest of keys, he seems a little bit like a grandpa to me

The type to sit at home and do crosswords, has a bird feeder in his yard and plays old Italian hits while washing the dishes. It’s very domestic 💀 (I find it cute, whatever!)

As a boyfriend, I can’t imagine him suddenly being spontaneous or outgoing unless you drag him out of his home/comfort zone.

Be patient with Mr. Nero, and he can come to surprise you

After a while, it won’t be just you dragging him out and about; one day he’ll ask you to come over and you’ll be greeted with a nice, traditional, homemade meal

Pay attention and you will notice him watching your face to see if you like his cooking 🥺

After seeing his fight with Doppio, I must admit that Risotto is very, very observant, almost scarily so.

I can totally picture him pointing out random things about his s/o that even they don’t know

One night, Risotto may come up to you and say “I talked to your neighbor about the dog, they’ll keep it inside now.” And you’re just staring like 😳 how did he know the barking was keeping you up at night????

He’s sweet, and will take good care of you as a boyfriend should.

Very good listener, won’t talk as much but will hang on to your every word, I promise. He could even recite it to you verbatim.

He’s a big dude, that ain’t news, so expect to be swallowed up in hugs and sometimes even picked up (as a tall girl myself, I simp!!!)

Gives A1 piggyback rides, lol

ALSO RISOTTO IS HUMBLE ASF!

Big dick energy, but on low volume 👏🏾 after all, he doesn’t need to do much talking, because a night with him is more than enough!

Listen babe, you better stretch, do some squats, and prep in whatever way you can before Mr. Nero gives you that work. 🤐

Lowkey a freak, but it’s well hidden behind his ‘quiet giant’ exterior

So, who are y'all dating? Personally, I’m going for Formaggio and Pesci hehe

[babyjamiebarnes]

Build-A-Bear

Part Ten

Featuring: Bucky x Stark!reader, dad!Tony, Peter Parker, Steve, Sam

Warnings: mentions of smut (bondage, anal play, breeding kink, slight voyeurism), language, mentions of arson

Summary: Now that reader is stuck back at her apartment, she can finally feel safe again — until that safety is completely compromised. And more than her physical safety is put on the line.

Author’s Note: I’m so fucking stoked for this chapter!!! This is when it starts to get wild!! I hope you all like it! If you even read this, you should let me know who you think the person in question is (you’ll know what I mean when you read it lol). And as always, feel free to buy me a coffee if you want!

Tags: @amourmarvel @fangirlvoice @kennedywxlsh @devilswaldorf @what-the-hap-is-fuckning @alyispunk @fredweasleysbitchh @wearegroot @sunflowerbebe107 @prestigious-tea @brckenmemories @angelbabymed

Series Masterlist

Spending the next two weeks sequestered in your apartment wasn’t terrible, but it just cemented your assumption that you couldn’t even pretend to be normal anymore. At least when you were at the Tower, you felt like another face in the crowd compared to the Avengers.

Accommodating your work from home setup wasn’t easy, but you all made it work. Peter worked with you when he was back for a weekend. He even helped you go through more of your fan mail, if you could even call it that. There were some parcels that were genuine fan mail, people wishing you well and young girls saying you inspired them to pursue STEM careers; there were some death threats that you had to send to local law enforcement to investigate; there were mostly creepy letters from men you could only assume were older than your father. One man wrote that he wanted to find out if you smelled as beautiful as you looked. Cringe. Another wrote about how he wanted to suck on your toes until they were wrinkly. Gag. The worst was a man who said he wanted to be sandwiched between you and your dad. Barf.

Steve and Sam used the scanner your dad made to check all your mail before it was even brought upstairs. None had been poisoned or set to explode, but some contained explicit items that you were more than happy to not see.

It was still slightly traumatizing when Steve waltzed in with a package in his arms and said, “Hey [Y/N], I didn’t toss this one because it doesn’t look like it’s from a person. Did you order something from… Romantix?”

You paused mid-chew as you, Bucky, and Sam all sat in your living room enjoying a nice Saturday lunch. Bucky wasn’t fazed, continuing to eat his food; Sam, however, busted out laughing.

“What’s in it, Steve?” Sam asked loudly, clearly trying to rile you up.

“Uh, all the scanner showed was a couple small golf balls -- I think -- and what looked like a top? And a remote.”

Sam kept giggling to himself, Bucky and Steve both looked confused as hell. You moved to grab the box from Steve but Sam beat you to it, tutting at you as you reached for it again.

“Uh-uh. We should open it to make sure everything is safe,” Sam teased.

“Everything in there is safe, I promise,” you swore. When you tried to steal the package back, Sam yoinked it further from your grasp with a devious smile. Your cheeks were burning hot at the thought of the inevitable. Sam was going to open your box, Steve was going to turn red as a tomato, and Bucky was… well, hopefully he was going to take you to your room for the rest of the day.

And before you could try to snatch the box away again, Sam ripped the packing tape off and pulled out the first item: kegel balls.

“What are those?” Steve asked.

“Don’t worry about it!” you shouted, grabbing the vacuum-packed, heavy silver balls from a still giggling Sam. He reached back into the box and you realized you may just have to suck it up and let him have his show-and-tell.

“Here’s that ‘top’ you were talking about,” Sam joked. And in his hands sat… the butt plug.

“Sam, stop! Literally no one here needs to see this except me and Bucky,” you whined.

“In that case, I’m curious. What else is in there?” Bucky asked, leaning forward to peek inside.

“Bucky! You’re supposed to be on my side!”

Sam shrugged and handed the box to Bucky so he could rummage through it instead. You couldn’t really complain as much now that your boyfriend was doing the snooping instead.

“What the -- oh,” Bucky said as he lifted the next item: a remote… tied to a pair of thin black panties.

“Why would those come together?” Steve asked. You weren’t sure if he was serious or not because he may have been born in the early 1900s, but he would’ve had to have checked out modern porn and kinks by now, right?

“Do you want to tell him or should I?” Sam asked with raised eyebrows. His lips were quirked in an annoying smirk. Bucky sat with a similar expression; at least you knew he had brushed up on modern sex.

“They’re vibrating panties,” you deadpanned. Steve fortunately didn’t look too surprised, he just raised his eyebrows and nodded.

“What’s next, Buck?” Sam prompted him to continue unpacking.

“Oh -- oh -- oh yeah. We can have some fun with this,” Bucky laughed as he lifted up the collar and ball gag.

“Damn, [Y/N]. You’re a freaky freak,” Sam laughed. Bucky didn’t even deny this; he just laughed with his friend before continuing with the last items.

“And…” Bucky started to explain. He quickly cut himself off when he saw what was in his hands -- and covering the bottom of the package. Dozens of pieces of lingerie, from skimpy little lace pieces to a loose-fitting satin teddy to a sheer black robe. “Oh, that’s for my eyes only,” he finally said.

Sam and Steve grumbled in response but didn’t push it. They probably realized getting a full reveal of the shit you and Bucky wanted to mess around with was more than they would’ve gotten if you had your way.

And just as you hoped, Bucky took you to your bedroom for a few hours. You found out you didn’t love the plug and the ball gag made you drool, but the collar had a little leash Bucky was able to pull on while hitting it from the back... you liked that one.

From that day on, you made sure to tell the boys when you’d have a package coming in. Bucky definitely perked up at the mention of more mail like that coming his way.

•

Two weeks after the Romantix debacle, Peter was back in town and stoked to help you go through mail again. He didn’t like all the creepy letters, but he was really good at making you laugh at them instead of constantly cringing and gagging. Bucky and Steve even sat to help, but Sam said if he was going to keep cooking for everyone, he didn’t have to sort through mail. And none of you wanted to pass up on his classic New Orleans recipes.

You all sat around your dining room table with your small dining TV playing old episodes of “Criminal Minds” as background noise. The amount of mail you received definitely dropped with time, but you’d still have a hefty pile at the end of the week. The creepy letters were shredded but you liked responding to the nicer letters, so there was a “shred” pile and a “respond” pile on either side of the “open next” pile.

You were all working in near-silence aside from the quiet dialogue on the TV and the occasional clink of pans from Sam in the kitchen. With four of you working, you’d be able to read through everything in about half an hour. As you neared the bottom of the pile, you grabbed a large manilla envelope and felt the weight of whatever was inside. It couldn’t have been dangerous because the boys scanned everything, but you carefully tugged it open nonetheless. You held it upside down and gently shook out the contents: a letter, a smaller envelope, and a DVD. A few people sent mix CDs or fan videos on DVDs and flash drives, so you were initially excited about this one… until you started reading the letter. The choppy typewriter print quickly turned muddled as your blood froze in your veins.

My darling [Y/N],

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? No, I don’t think I shall. I’ll cut to the chase instead: I’m the reason the world knows who you are. Guess I’m a little loose-lipped. Oops! But I needed you to know I’m serious somehow. Or else you wouldn’t see this as a true threat.

I know your little secret. I’ve seen more than I originally planned, but you gave me plenty to work with in my free time. You look beautiful while you sleep; you look even more beautiful in the throes of passion. But I’m not looking to have your body.

Unless you get $2,000,000 to your little doorman Matthew to bring to me by the end of the week, the enclosed pictures will make their way to the desk of daddy dearest. And we both know he won’t appreciate seeing who is penetrating his daughter.

And if that $2,000,000 doesn’t find me by the end of next week, the video on the DVD will be released to the world.

I look forward to our next interaction.

Your hands shook as you tore open the envelope to see what pictures this person allegedly had of you. At first, they were just creepy candids of you walking down the street, nothing the paps wouldn’t have. Then they turned into photos of Bucky escorting you through crowds… and then photos of you in your apartment.

You were sleeping in your bed in one. Then standing in your kitchen making breakfast in one of Bucky’s shirts. And then a shirtless Bucky was cradling your face and kissing your forehead.

The next picture was of Bucky standing behind you in the kitchen. His pajama bottoms — the pair you got him for his birthday — were pooled at his feet. One hand was pressing you to the counter, the other was hoisting your leg up to the granite as he drove into you.

“Oh my god,” you whispered, unable to speak. As you frantically flipped through the rest of the photos, your eyes flooded with tears and your breathing grew more erratic, grabbing Bucky’s attention, then Peter’s, then Steve’s.

But their concern meant nothing to you as you processed the images before you.

You on your knees with Bucky’s dick clearly between your lips. Bucky on his knees with his face pressed between your thighs. Your legs wrapped around Bucky’s torso as he moved you on his cock. Bucky’s hand wrapped around your throat as you rode him on the couch.

All the images looked like they were taken through your windows, like someone was somehow standing outside your apartment despite being stories above the ground.

“What’s wrong, doll?” Bucky asked softly. He gently touched your arm, drawing your view from the distressing imagery to his attempted comfort, though it unfortunately did nothing to calm you down. Not this time.

You looked up at him with tear-filled eyes but couldn’t bring yourself to speak. All you could do was shake your head and push the letter to him. You watched his eyes quickly scan the words before reaching for the photos. He didn’t snatch them away from you or even try to take them. He just held his hand out and let you shakily hand them over.

And then you saw the pacific blue of his eyes turn dark and stormy, his jaw clenching as he flipped through the pictures of you — you and him. His breathing grew more and more ragged the more he saw, until he threw the photos to the table with a loud, “Fuck!”

Seconds later, Sam dashed into the room as Steve sifted through the photos. Even Steve grew irritated at the sight. Peter and Sam quickly followed suit, only glimpsing a few pictures before getting the gist of the rest.

The room was silent aside from your quiet sobs. You and Bucky both stared at the disc lying between you until your eyes met. His usually pale blue irises were nearly black.

“I’m scared,” you whimpered. Despite being scared himself — and angry and frustrated and confused — he reached out to pull you into his lap and hold you. Keeping you close always made him feel better, even when it felt like the world was crashing around him.

“Close the curtains,” he demanded gruffly. Steve and Peter immediately jumped up and started pulling all your curtains shut, throwing your usually bright apartment into near darkness.

Bucky held your face between his palms, forcing you to look in his eyes.

“I know you’re scared, but we need to see what’s on that DVD.”

“I can already guess what it is,” you said through your tears.

“Yeah, me too,” Bucky agreed. “But we have to make sure.”

You simply nodded. He leaned in and pressed a kiss to your forehead, helping your breathing slow at the reassuring gesture. He led you into the living room with the DVD in hand. Steve and Sam stood in the living room, Peter sat on the couch. They all looked concerned for you, but tried not to show pity. You could tell they were all upset about this too.

“You can leave the room if you don’t want to see what I’m sure we all know is on this,” Bucky said. His voice was deep and gravelly, almost like his morning voice, but… mean.

You and Bucky sat together on the sofa across from Peter, all eyes trained on the TV as the screen faded from black to a slightly fuzzy shot of your bed. Seconds later, you and Bucky came on screen. And there was audio.

You giggled as Bucky’s body pushed yours to the mattress. “What are you gonna do to me?” your voice sounded.

“I’m gonna put a baby in you,” Bucky’s voice growled. “I’m gonna cum inside this tight pussy until you can’t take it anymore.”

“Jesus,” Sam grumbled. You would’ve laughed if the situation wasn’t so serious.

Bucky only let it play until clothes started coming off. That’s when he knew they actually had a sex tape of you two, especially considering the nearly two-hour time frame on it. Sending explicit pictures of you and Bucky to your dad was one thing, but releasing a non-consensual sex tape of you two was something else entirely.

“What are we gonna do?” Peter asked quietly. Your tears had finally stopped, but the concern in his voice almost sent you over the edge again. He was such a sweet kid and he didn’t deserve to deal with the stress of this with you. But you also knew he was your best friend — practically a brother — and he wasn’t going to let you fend for yourself through this, even with Bucky by your side.

“We have to give them the money,” Sam replied. “We can find out who the door guy gives it to and arrest them or track the bills, but we have to get the money.”

“I don’t have the money,” you confessed. Everyone except Bucky seemed surprised. “I make $200,000 before taxes. Before I got this new role, I made half that. Even if we don’t deduct taxes and the expenses I do pay for, I wouldn’t have even close to two million.”

Everyone went silent again until Steve finally spoke up.

“We need to talk to the doorman.”

•

Bucky stormed out of the elevator, rushing ahead of everyone with murder in his eyes. He gripped the front of Matt’s suit and shoved him against the wall, shaking the letter in his face.

“What the fuck is this?” Bucky was seething.

“What?” Matt squeaked. His eyes were wide as saucers. He was clearly not expecting this confrontation. Bucky just shook the letter again to draw the doorman’s attention.

“Wait. You got one too?” Matt asked. Bucky’s grip loosened as he stared at the shorter man in confusion. You instinctively looked at Peter, who looked just as baffled as you. “I-I got a letter like that. In my locker. This morning.”

“Show us,” you demanded. Bucky released him but Matt’s eyes saw the posse of Avengers behind you (save for Peter, who he probably assumed was either a friend or boyfriend — secret identity and all that) and he rushed all of you to the locker room.

It was a small room since there were only a dozen doormen in your building, if that. He opened his locker and revealed a letter that was nearly identical to yours, but with no mentions of his looks and a much different threat.

“They’re threatening arson?!” you nearly shouted. Bucky and Steve read the letter before handing it to Sam and Peter to check out as well.

“They included pictures of my mom and sister,” Matt explained, clearly scared of what might happen to him and his loved ones. “They know where I live and they know who I live with. I-I would’ve taken this to th-the police but I didn’t want to risk it.”

“They have the later date listed for him,” Sam said. “You had one week to get the money or they’d tell Tony, two weeks or they release the tape. Now we have two weeks to save his family.”

Everyone in the room fell silent once again. Eyes fell on you as Peter quietly repeated his earlier question: “What are we gonna do?”

Despite all eyes on you, you turned to Bucky, who continued to study the letter. His jaw flexed as he thought and if this had been any other time, you would’ve kissed the tension away.

“We’re gonna tell Tony.”

[system-of-a-feather]

System Tag Meme

I was tagged by @thepeanutsystem. Imma tag uh.... @thedoesystem​, @persecutor-recovery​, @bolderwords​, @reveriesystem​, @aqua---regia​, @that-one-system​, @unoriginal-hostess​, @the-dissociated-bones​, @lemon-system​, and anyone else that really wants to do this~

Ignore my weird bullet point method of answering these because like XD It looked nice for whatever reason

If your system has a name, what is it called?

We go by both “System of a Feather” and “Feathery System” primarily. It is a double reference to the core aspect of loving birds / having bird like behaviors that some of the members in our system have by both having the “feather” part and because a weird way of describing a bird is a “System of Feathers”. 

It is also a reference to the saying / joke that I used to say to some of the system when talking about DID advocacy that “Systems of a Feather stick together” in reference to the “Birds of a feather flock together.” This is both to say that members of a system that belong to the same body / feather should work together and that individuals with DID are “systems of a feather” or “birds of a feather” and that it is best that we work together to change how DID is seen by many rather than working against one another.

How many alters are in your system? Do you have any subsystems?

Currently I think we have.... 10 alters? We had a few new discovered members that are dormant since Ray and another alter that isn’t on this blog have mentioned things. We thought we might have a subsystem within myself, Iris, and another alter - but I am starting to doubt that. Save for perhaps the theory that myself and the other alter might be a subsystem of 2.

Who’s the host (and co-host, if you have one?)

That would be me- mwuah. Name’s Riku.

If you’re in school/have a job, who gets stuck with doing the most work?

Both myself and Lucille depending on our mental health at the time and the topics that we are studying. Typically if we have any too heavy stem classes like Organic Chemistry (or really anything Chemistry related since I hate it and Lucille is good at it) then usually it sways more to Lucille where as if it is more psych or animal science based, it’s more in my grounds.

How many protectors do you have? What are their name(s)?

There are a lot that could be argued to be protectors. We typically branch protectors into more specified roles since most of us would be considered protectors if we didn’t - myself and our little included. But for the sake of this question, we have three *main* protectors that kind of serve as over arching protecting roles and they are Lucille, Ray, and Aderis. I think Kira might also count, but I haven’t caught up on his role lately.

Lucille primarily is an interpersonal, emotional, and like general life responsibility protector (finances, substitute host, academics, hygiene, cleaning, physical health, diet, injuries). Ray is a trauma, stress, and generally dangerous situation / extreme emotions and abuse focused protector. Aderis used to have Ray’s job and another job we won’t state that she has primarily retired from, but she still does pick up on a lot of internal protecting and motherly duties.

Alters have their separate interests, but there any interests that all of you share?

We all generally like birds to my knowledge and all of us have an affinity and preference to have music around us. I think all of us also generally do care about the well being of others.

What’s your favorite part of your headspace? Why is it your favorite?

Well back when I used to regularly enter it, I’d probably say a really weird zero-gravity forest in an area of the inner world that was focused on escapism. It was just a weird area that I found amusing to visit. To be honest though, may it be because its the only place I can currently regularly enter and maybe its because I got used to it being my home, but I really enjoy the void that makes up the front. Like I realize it might be really boring and scaring if someone were to randomly spawn here but I find it really relaxing to just chill in an empty void of white nothingness :v

What does everyone argue over the most?

We don’t really argue over anything specific? Everyone argues about different things depending on what combo, but nothing in specific is a constant argument. I’d need to see which pair to say what is the most common arguing point.

Which headmate do you get along with the best?

Ah shit that’s fucking hard XD Lucille is probably my best “bro” and best friend, our little is my precious child that I was split off to protect and care for so she’s close to my heart, Ray is my literal asshole of a brother, and Aderis is my ex that we go back so like.... I really don’t know XD I feel bad for say this but I still think Lucille is probably the one I get along with the best with the least arguments or tensions?

What’s the most annoying thing alters do when they front?

Okay I just complimented how well we get along, but I’m still mad that he did a lecture I wanted to do yesterday. Yeah we’re nerds and the asshole trolled me by completing a lecture when I told him explicitly not to since I wanted to multitask today but no, he wanted to learn about hormones and behavior smh. >:v I mean there is not a consistent most annoying thing. 

If I were to be serious, it would be this whole rebellious streak Ray started up within the system of everyone doing very small small minor annoying things to remind me that they exist, that I am not faking, and also just to make me mad. “Who listens to the host anyways smh” is this group meme he’s started in the system XD Its not actually a problem since everything they do is really small things I said not to do and cause I’m a bit of a control freak sometimes and its kind of humorous and a good self check - but yeah

Okay nevermind, that isn’t even a serious response since I kind of find it amusing. There are a lot of things that they do individually, but I don’t think I would call most of it “annoying” as much as inconvenient - at least at the place of communication that we’ve gotten to. Few alters act too out of line to really be annoying beyond like.... moving my shit to places I can’t find, eating my food, and similar. That is probably literally the only actually annoying thing

Who goes to bed the latest when they front?

FUCKING ADERIS. Ahem. I mean Aderis. I don’t know if it is because she tends to front somewhat late at night and has this “lol I am not going to sleep right when I front fuck that” nature, but I think like, most of the time if this body is up at 4 AM or 5 AM it is probably Aderis that was out.

Who has the best taste in music?

Yes.

To be honest I think Lucille and myself in my personal opinion, but I am pretty sure we all would argue otherwise.

Free space! Tell us a random fact about your system

We are all very extra in dressing / fashion internally, but due to my cheap ass nature and laziness, 85% of the time, this body wears whatever is convenient. Only recently with Ray and Aderis complaining have we gotten somewhat stylized clothing. The other 10% is days I randomly decide to dress up in formal / professional wear cos I love it, and the 5% is the days when someone else switches early enough to choose our clothes for the day.

-Riku (Host)

[sailorportia]

Femslash February 2020, Day 4

Fandom: She-Ra and the Princesses of Power Pairing: Glimmer/Catra Prompt: Punk/Pastel

approx. 2,100 words, rated T

also available on AO3

Summary:  Catra and Glimmer are forced to work together on a group assignment, and it's almost a competition to see who's more annoyed by this arrangement.

Tags: University AU, Swearing, Alcohol, Drunken Kissing

Catra was holding court in her corner of the student union building's cafeteria. "I can't believe Professor Prime stuck me with Sparkles for a group project!" She slammed her fist on the table, rattling everyone's lunch trays. "Anyone else would've been better than Sparkles!"

"I'm confused," Entrapta said, picking up tiny sandwiches from her lunchbox. "Who's Sparkles? Oh, do we have a new friend!?"

"Oh, um, that's what she calls Glimmer," Scorpia said. "Because, well, y'know," she leaned in and whispered, "Catra doesn't like her very much."

"Oooooooh!"

Catra ignored the exchange, lost in her own petty misery. "That girl is the worst. Total control freak. She never shuts up in class, always arguing with the profs and making everything a debate. She's not even that smart. I bet she only got in because her mother's got tenure." Her hatred toward Glimmer in no way stemmed from the fact that princess was now closer to Adora than Catra was. They were even roommates now. Not that it bothered Catra at all.

"Um, just out curiosity," Scorpia said, "this might not be important, but have you ever really talked to her? Like, other than insulting each other?"

Catra gave her a blank look. "Why would I need to do that? I don't need to learn her favourite colour to know I hate her." Knowing Sparkles, it was probably pink. Or worse, hot pink.

Entrapta frowned. "That's not a very scientific approach."

"I'm a political science major. Everyone knows that's a fake science."

"Okay," Scorpia said. "But she's one of Adora's friends. Isn't that enough reason to try to get along with her?"

"I don't want to get along with Adora's friends." Catra uttered the words as if they were a rule. If Scorpia and Entrapta had been feeling sassy, they could've pointed out that Catra was also one of Adora's friends, and that would explain why she didn't get along with herself.

"I'm just saying," Scorpia said with a shrug. "Maybe if you give her a chance, you'll find something you like about her. Or, uh, something you don't hate at least. Who knows? You might have more in common than you think."

"As if!" Catra and Glimmer couldn't have been less alike. First off, their appearances were complete opposites. Catra's punk style had attitude, conveyed through dark colours, unruly hair, spiked accessories, the patches on her jacket and other modifications to her clothing, such as stylish, strategically placed holes she tore with her own claws. Glimmer, in contrast, was a pastel disaster whose brightly-coloured outfits hurt to look at. Her hair was literally pink, like she was made of bubblegum or something. Secondly, Glimmer was a sanctimonious goody two-shoes, whereas Catra just didn't give a fuck. No way in hell were they going to get along.

"Well, you better figure out how you're going to talk to Glimmer," Entrapta said, "because she's headed this way."

A group of three approached their table: Adora and Bow, led by a pissed off Glimmer. Catra might have found it intimidating if she weren't wearing the softest possible shade of lavender. Her new haircut was something of an improvement. She was almost hot—but Catra wasn't into bossy girls.

"Hey, Catra," Adora said nervously as the group reached the table.

Glimmer cut Catra off before she could say her customary greeting. "If you screw up this assignment for me, I'm going ruin you."

Bow grimaced. "Glimmer! We literally just went over this!"

"You could at least pretend to be nice," Adora said.

"Why do I have to be nice?" Glimmer pointed at Catra accusingly. "If you heard the way she talks in class you'd get it. She's a war criminal waiting to happen."

Catra snorted. "Says the girl who's a shill for the monarchy."

Bow stepped between them. "Guys, guys, cool it. We don't want another fist fight on our hands."

"It was one time!" Glimmer protested. "And it was hardly my fault. Nyan Cat over here was being a belligerent drunk."

"Don't blame me for that incident," Catra said. "You threw the first punch after like six Shirley Temples."

"Who wouldn't punch you when you're so obnoxious?" Glimmer let out an agonized groan. "Just get your ass to me and Adora's dorm room tonight by six o'clock, or I'll come looking for you."

"Whatever." Catra stuck her tongue out as Glimmer stalked off, her friends running off after her. She didn't need any more proof that the two of them were incompatible at every level. Maybe she'd fail this assignment on purpose just to piss her off.

Glimmer was already regretting her decision to work on the group project in her dorm room. Her reasoning had been that she didn't want to be seen in public with Catra, but she hadn't anticipated how much having Catra in her living space made her skin crawl.

They were sitting on Glimmer's side of the room. Catra had attempted to make herself at home on Adora's bed, but Glimmer put that to a stop immediately.

"You don't shed, do you?" Glimmer asked, eyeing Catra's wild mane of fur. "I don't want to be picking your hairs off my clothes for the next month."

"That's an anti-cat microaggression," Catra said. "Not very politically correct of you. Besides, it can't be as bad as all the glitter you leave behind, Sparkles."

"That's not my name! And I do not wear that much glitter." Sure, Glimmer preferred sparkly eye shadow some days, and some of her clothes did have glittery details on them, but glitter wasn't her thing. "You're in no place to criticize how I look." She sneered at Catra's outfit, specifically the tears in her pants. "Nice jeans, were they 50% off?"

"Haha. Very funny. I'm sure you bought your clothes at 200% the price just to show off how bougie you are."

"Listen you—" Glimmer groaned through her teeth. She knew Catra was just trying to get under her skin. All she had to do was be the bigger person and let this go. "The sooner we start this assignment, the sooner we'll be done and out of each other's hair."

"Finally something we can agree on," Catra said. "What's the topic again?"

"We're supposed to pick one from this list." Glimmer retrieved the relevant paper from her desk and read them off. "There's one about arguments for and against raising the minimum wage."

"Eh? That sounds dangerously like math. Economics sucks."

"Fair. Next is one about the role of money in politics."

"Still too much math."

"Suggestions for electoral reform?

Catra laughed. "Maybe get rid of elections altogether? Then everyone's equally unhappy with the result."

Glimmer could've sworn she had some patience, but it was running out faster than she'd anticipated. "There's one about the ethics of torture."

"That one's easy. Whatever gets the job done is fine with me."

Never mind writing an assignment together, they were never going to find a topic they could agree on due to Catra having the moral centre of a Saturday morning cartoon villain. "Torture doesn't even work! The premise is flawed."

"Really? It's working on me right now."

Glimmer groaned. "Is this a joke to you? This assignment is for 10% of our mark! You might not care about your own future, but I do."

Catra smirked. "What's wrong? Afraid that Professor Mommy will be disappointed if her little princess flunks a class?"

"You don't have any idea what it's like studying at a college where your mother is one of the professors. Having to measure up to those expectations all the time."

"Hey, at least people expect something from you. You can't imagine what it's like to grow up in Adora's perfect shadow."

"Yeah, well now she's my perfect roommate, and I'm going to lose it if I have to hear one more time that Adora got on the dean's list last year and I didn't."

"Oh yeah? Well I would've gotten on the list too if I didn't have to deal with Professor Hordak's inferiority complex."

The conversation carried on way longer than it should've. It turned out the only way they could avoid bitching at each other was by bitching to each other instead. Before long they ordered a pizza and cracked open a couple of cold ones, the assignment lying forgotten on Glimmer's desk.

By the time they ran out of things to complain about, they were both a little beyond tipsy. They had moved to sitting on Glimmer's bed, leaning against each other. Glimmer was very aware of the fact that she had never been this close to Catra before, physically or emotionally. Not wanting to linger on those thoughts, she said the first thing that came to mind.

"Hey, is it true that you wore a tux to your high school prom?"

Catra smirked. She put her empty beer can down and got out her phone. "Feast your eyes."

Feast, Glimmer did. She was tempted to ask Catra to send her the pictures. "Daaaaaaaaaaamn," Glimmer said. "Adora's so lucky. I went to mine with Bow as a friend-date, but she got to dance with the hottest girl at the prom."

If they were any farther apart, she wouldn't have picked up on the other girl's reaction: a low, rumbling sound in her chest.

"Oh my god." Glimmer couldn't believe her ears. "Are you purring?"

"No!" Catra stuffed her phone back in her pocket and crossed her arms over her chest, as if that would cover up the sound she'd already made. "You're imagining things. All that glitter must've gone to your head."

"Oh, looks like someone isn't used to hearing people say nice things about her." This was too good. "So that's how I get under your skin."

Catra's face looked like it couldn't decide if she were furious or embarrassed. "Screw off, Sparkles."

"Aw, you can dish it out but you can't take it? That's so cute." Glimmer honestly didn't know why she was winding Catra up. Maybe she wanted to see what would happen when she finally sprung.

Catra stood up, but didn't step away from the bed. "Isn't Adora going to be coming back soon? I should probably go..."

Glimmer grabbed Catra's arm and pulled her back down. "We've talked enough about Adora. Let's talk about you."

"I don't want to talk," Catra said. "I don't want Adora to walk in and see me getting along with you!"

"You care too much about what Adora thinks. Are you that hung up on your old prom date?"

"I am not! Screw you! I'm always getting the girls. I don't need to chase after Adora. I've got pull!"

Glimmer smirked. "I'll believe it when I see it."

Catra had hit her limit. The cat finally pounced. "You asked for it."

In one swift motion, Catra pushed Glimmer down and pinned her to the bed. There was a moment's pause before their lips crashed together.

Oh my god, Glimmer thought as she tasted the alcohol on Catra's breath, is Catra kissing me? Am I kissing her back? Even being tipsy wasn't enough to excuse this. But Glimmer didn't really care. She needed to blow off steam, and making out with a bitchy catgirl serviced that need.

The kissing kept getting messier and messier, which was a nice analogue to their interpersonal relationship. Glimmer vaguely acknowledged that she'd never live it down if anyone found out about this, but it wasn't like Catra was going to brag about it either. They were in the clear—

"Oh my god. I didn't expect you guys to get along this well."

Glimmer and Catra sobered up instantly. They broke apart, Catra springing away as if she'd suffered an electric shock. In absolute horror they turned in unison to see Adora standing in the doorway, barely containing her amusement.

"This isn't what it looks like!" Glimmer said.

"It's actually exactly what it looks like," Catra said. "Kill me."

Adora laughed so hard she snorted. "Looks like you guys had a party," she said, looking at the empty pizza box and beer cans. "You guys must've finished up that assignment pretty quickly." She raised an eyebrow at the sight of the pair's blank looks. "You did work on the assignment, right?"

As if a switch had been thrown, Glimmer and Catra were back at each other's throats as if nothing had happened. "This is all your fault!"

[scarlettedwanda]

Alright so here's the deal, I don't use Tumblr anymore. Ever since last year when the guidelines were changed and the website just turned into absolute shit.

However

I do still occasionally pop on here, look through some tags and what not and yes, I did post not too long ago, about Unas Annus.

So naturally, I'm going to make a post and it's going to piss a whole lot of people off and for once in my life, I'm embracing the idea of losing a whole lot of followers.

Pewdiepie. Lately and for absolutely no reason, has been getting a whole other wave of hate and people genuinely happy that one of his places was robbed and worse, people wishing he'd kill himself or get killed and for absolutely stupid fucking reasons.

This dates back a few years, to the time he said a word that he shouldn't have said. But is Felix the only white person to ever say that word? No. Did he make a mistake? Yes. Does he deserve the title of being a racist? Absolutely not. Felix did not say the word to intentionally hurt someone. It slipped out as it does with thousands and thousands of gamers only this time, Felix had caught it on video.

Just this summer I overheard my white as fuck younger brother, saying the word over his headset in a heated game of Rainbow Six Seige. And the thing is, he's a nobody so no one will ever be upset with him the way people did with Felix. My brother isn't some rich Youtuber so these people over Tumblr, or the people over Twitter who crave the feeling of ruining a rich man's career, will never go after my brother like a pack of hyenas.

Now Malcolm, this isn't the only proof that he's a racist. Let us not forget the Fiver video where he paid some kids to hold up nazi propaganda. Yes he did, but he also wasn't expecting it to go through. Half the fucking people on YouTube are looking for that shock factor, need a way to gain views and you're damn right that Felix thought it would be an interesting way to pull attention.

In that same video, Felix apologized. He was shocked and clearly felt bad enough that he found the need to apologize for the incident happening. It's a joke that stems from far too many jokes on television shows or movies and yet, no one freaks out whenever South Park teases about the idea of an actual eight year old imprisoning red heads, or actively dressing as a member of the KKK. We live in a society which pushes the line for humor and entertainment and people don't think. Celebrities and such say things, do things that they don't mean or feel or want. Felix was just another example of a guy who got boned for something that some people took a bit too seriously.

So why not take it down? Why even post that part? Simple; Felix made a mistake and wanted everyone to learn from it. Without someone making roughly the same mistakes as he's stumbled into. He wants people to take from this lesson and realize that these people on Fiver, will do whatever they're paid to do, whether they realize what they're promoting or not. He is warning everyone not to do that, showing people that he's capable of mistakes and will take the back lash from it because he genuinely doesn't have those views.

Now, onto the latest stupidly. The woman from Dr. Phil where he made yet another mistake. Fuck, people obviously didn't watch the video before going on this rant that Felix is a transphobe, because in the video he only misgenders this person twice. He doesn't call her by the wrong pronouns on purpose, he takes in her appearance, her voice and her name and made a conclusion that this person reminded him a lot of Jeffrey Star.

In fact, for most of the video he calls her "Walmart Jeffrey Star" and it's literally no different than any nickname you would give to a character on television or movies. Never once does she state her pronouns and if you aren't reading the description under her name when she first appears, then you can easily make the mistake of not knowing her pronouns.

Felix corrected himself the first time it was brought up that she was a transgender woman, he apologized and yet people on here are labeling him unfairly for a genuine mistake.

Now let's move onto my proof. The proof that people are blowing him up and ignoring hard facts that Felix is a genuine guy. We'll start with his wife, Marzia, the sweetest person I've ever seen. Even the most avid Pewdiepie haters can agree that Marzia is precious, so why the hell would she still be with him after everything, if he really was a racist? Or if he was a nazi or transphobic? The simple answer; he isn't. She is the closest person to him, and yes hypothetically he could be hiding the dark sides of himself, but Marzia lives with him. She married him and she is also on YouTube and online and I'm positive she's being flooded with these stupid comments that the man she married, is a racist transphobe.

After being together for only two years, my fiancé and myself know everything about one another. Neither of us can hide parts of our personality from each other because the truth is, you get lazy over time. You stop worrying that the person you're involved with is going to hate you over it, and you let your guard down. Felix and Marzia have been together far longer and even after all these accusations came out, Marzia still agreed to marry him.

And then there's Seán. Seán who advocates mental health and who is a very sweet person. And does anyone actually think Seán would lie about how genuine Felix is? Do people think that this person, who's struggled with depression, would surround himself with a person who hates other people? Do people genuinely believe that Seán would invite Felix over to his house, hang out with him, collaborate both in person and over line, for views? Or do you think that maybe, just maybe, they really are close friends? That Felix is the good person that Seán has said he is?

Honestly, a lot of people's opinions are misguided by people who just hate the rich. Pewdiepie is a successful YouTuber, arguably the most successful so of course he's going to have a lot of haters. But unlike people like Donald fucking Trump, a good comparison in this case being another successful rich man; Felix actually cares about his viewers. He cares about his community and doesn't have some stupid superiority complex. If you want to hate on a successful rich man, complain about a guy who actually wants to build a wall to keep the Mexicans out of his country, throw hate at a man who created his own concentration camps for children because this idea that Felix is a bad person, is absolutely disgusting.

So, please unfollow me, block me, or whatever. Because this idea that Felix is disgusting is wrong. I'm not going to fight every post I ever see, I'm going to ignore them and let my own post speak for itself.

But to any Pewdiepie haters; go fuck yourself.

[faketextsfromlastmight]

Best of tags #09

A compilation

@awesome-milkshake-blog on Iida, Bakugou and Kirishima: (Link)

#i hope their dynamics are more relaxed like this#in their second or third year

Plot twist: All For One slips in his jail’s cell shower and dies. The rest of the series is just a sitcom.

@jay-catsby on Aizawa complaining about politics at breakfast: (Link)

#hfjdjshdhs hes that guy in the dining hall who you overhear getting too real at 8am

He’s the guy who brings up child labour laws when you receive a pair of Nike shoes on Chritsmas morning. Just kidding, he’s not that socially obtuse. But a lot of characters mentions he’s very critical of society and we see in the “Vigilantes” spin-off that he had an... interesting relationship with law enforcement. My guess is that he used to be overly political but that he mellowed out over the years.

@awesome-milkshake-blog on Bakugou wanting Todoroki’s attention: (Link)

#thats it#thats the sports festival

Yeah, Todoroki’s and Bakugou’s relationship (or, at the present, the lack thereof) is definitely a development I’m excited for in the upcoming chapters of the manga.

So far Bakugou pretends to be indifferent towards his classmates’ opinions of him (although it’s painfully clear he’s actually obsessed with the way people perceive him and reacts violently whenever things don’t go his way). There are exceptions, however. He definitely changes behavior around Kirishima (to whom he listens more) and Deku (whom he can’t help antagonizing), but Todoroki is maybe the third classmate towards whom he shows interest. I think Todoroki represents a social class in which Bakugou wants to fit in, so naturally he can’t help showing some partiality. Todoroki is also one of the few classmates Bakugou feels could beat him one-on-hand, so there’s that. Basically Todoroki was born in the superhero scene and will undoubtedly be a superhero (he got into U.A. through recommendation, unlike Bakugou who had to pass an exam), he’s a natural professional. As much as he hates to admit it, Bakugou wishes he were in Todoroki’s place.

However so far Todoroki acts very indifferent towards Bakugou’s antics. My guess is that he dismisses him as a petulant man-child and finds him too unpleasant to try to build a friendship. But that could change.

Horikoshi has already laid the ground for deeper interaction when he put Bakugou and Todoroki in the kindergarten arc. We know that Bakugou knows Todoroki was horrifically abused by his superhero father (although Todoroki doesn’t know Bakugou knows that). He looks uncharacteristically disturbed when he overhears that. Bakugou idealized the superhero scene and learning of Todoroki’s terrible childhood is his first glance at the dark side of superheroics. We do know that Bakugou respects Todoroki’s outlook somewhat because he begrudgingly obeyed Todoroki when he told him how to handle little kids. Bakugou was willing to use violence to discipline them because that’s the way he was raised, but Todoroki reminded him that there was a better way of doing that.

My guess is that this is groundwork for how Todoroki and Bakugou are going to grow closer. Horikoshi didn’t picture Mitsuki hitting Bakugou for nothing, it’s a way to explain Bakugou’s irrationally violent nature. Although Bakugou’s childhood was better than Todoroki’s, his parents failed him and he needs to realize that to become a better person. I guess a deeper Bakugou/Todoroki conversation on child abuse is upcoming. Their emotional journeys complement each other. My hope is that Bakugou, following his conversation with Todoroki, will call out his mother on her casual violence (and his father on the way he enables it). The reason Bakugou acts so horribly is that the violence he experienced at home is framed as something normal. Bakugou is unable to recognize the harm he does to others because he can’t even realize the harm he suffered himself. Once Bakugou comes to terms with the damage his parents did to him, he will be able to acknowledge the damage he did to other people (such as Deku when they were in middle school). His interactions with Todoroki will be key in this development.

@greenvalleybroccoli on Bakudeku: (Link)

#all might would never ship bakudeku though

I don’t know, he seems pretty invested into the Bakugou/Midoriya rivalry in general. He clearly seems potential in their teamwork. Personally I think Boku No Hero Academia will end on Bakugou and Midoriya becoming a superhero duo in the same agency. The status of All Might as the symbol of peace is constantly decried in-universe as problematic because it’s too much to handle for one person. Furthermore it tends to evaluate raw strength as what it takes to be a hero rather than good behavior. So in order to truly change things for the better, I think All Might will not just choose Midoriya as a successor, but also Bakugou. The new “symbol of peace” will be a duo rather than a single hero, and their true superpower will be teamwork. Bakugou is used as a foil to Midoriya because it’s a yin/yang relationship. Duality is often a form of unity.

@demiboydorito on Kirishima eating a diamond: (Link)

oh god i sure hope op meant fantasy au bc the image of a 15 yr old child just c h o m p i n g a DIAMOND is killin me

You forget Kirishima has a hardening quirk. The joke is that his body is so resistant he can actually munch and digest diamonds. Maybe he’s part Goron?

@xxwolfydoodlezuwuxx on Todoroki hanging out with Shinsou: (Link)

#todo no-#being emo with shinsou is not gonna help u man.

Shinsou’s not emo, he’s old-school goth. His design is based on the character of Cesare from “The Cabinet of Doctor Caligari” (a movie about brainwashing/hypnotism).

@principle-of-parsimony  on Monoma copying Shigaraki’s quirk: (Link)

He'd only decay if he copied the power from like, a High-Five, since all five fingers need to be touching the object in question in order to make it decay. Now Shigaraki though, if Monoma copies his quirk and isn't careful when copying it, Shigaraki himself may start to disintegrate.

What if they touch each other at the same time? Do the quirks cancel each other out? Or do they both decay?

@paradis-smash on Bakugou’s future hero name: (Link)

#if his hero name is Kacchan i fucking quit!#I'm kidding#but please don't let it be Kacchan

I’m sorry to alarm you but I’m actually pretty sure that’s where the series is headed. Bakugou accidentally gave Midoriya his hero name (Deku), so there would be poetic justice in Bakugou embracing the name Midoriya uses for him (Kacchan). Bakugou’s arc seems to mostly revolve around him slowly realizing how his terrible behavior affects others and why it actually prevents him from progressing as a hero. His remedial internship at the kindergarten is actually all about that. Basically Bakugou is set back in his hero work by a massive P.R. problem. He’s not as approachable as Midoriya who just radiates positivity (like All Might). Actually most oh his hatred of Midoriya could stem from the internal realization that Deku’s personality is more suited to hero work than him. His aura of goodness makes Bakugou feel insecure in his own abilities. So he needs to get over that and try to learn from Midoriya, not only to imitate his social intelligence but also to realize his own qualities.

Bakugou probably hates that nickname but I don’t think he realizes it’s actually IRONIC. The “-chan” suffix is usually used by young women and children for people they find cute, but Midoriya actually finds Bakugou pretty macho and awe-inspiring. Calling “Kacchan” is his way of saying “you’re a badass, but you’re also my friend, and that makes me feel SAFE”. If Bakugou wants people to trust him more, choosing that cutesy nickname as his hero name would actually be a good P.R. move. It would subvert the expectations people have when his more irritable persona manifests.

@tis-i-the-frenchiest-fri on the eternal Endeavor debate: (Link)

Twice is probs arguing with himself in the background

It is a truth universally acknowledged that any panel of BNHA is automatically improved by a silhouette of Twive arguing with himself in the background.

@sassyakimichi on Endeavor’s dating preferences: (Link)

the last one I literally screamed "oH sHIT" so much for library discretion x-x

So now we can add “library discretion” to the list of things Endeavor’s ruined.

@missmarj on Shouto’s poem: (Link)

E. Coli and broccoli does not rhyme shouto but dammit that was beautiful

The poem as written is supposed to be bad so let’s all just pretend my mistake is actually Shouto’s!

[theonceoverthinker]

“The Heart of the Truest Believer” Unused Script Snippets Compilation

So, as some of you know, recently I was lucky enough to win a script for “The Heart of the Truest Believer” in an OUAT auction. I think scripts are some of the most fun things you can win in auctions like these -- it’s cool to see how lines change and develop over the course of the writing and filming processes, they open the door to additional fun fan speculation, and of course, we get to see lines and actions that didn’t make the cut and in some cases, maybe see a completely new product!

And now that I have the script, I wanted to share it with everyone so we can do all of that groovy stuff!

There were a fair amount of changes, additional bits of dialogue, and honestly just funny things I noticed that I wanted to point out to laugh at like a fourth grader! I put in every thing that was in the script, but not in the episode, but if there’s a scene or something from the episode that you want to see, please let me know and i’ll see what I can do to get it to you (Sorry, buying the scripts and scanning can get expensive and I’m going to London this summer)!

Also, there’s a fair amount of shippy stuff in here, namely for Swan Fire, Sleeping Warrior, and Captain Swan (Ergo, the early ship tags). It’s not all that’s in here by any means, but I do want you going into this knowing that. 

Finally, as a personal plea from me, let’s please try not to go too beserk over this, or rather, like our fandom sometimes tends to do. I wanted to share all of this good stuff for fun and archival purposes and I’d hate to inadvertently cause the next fandom war. And look, I get it: Fandoms be fandoms and my plea probably won’t factor into much in the grand scheme of things, but hey, I had to try, am I right? Just remember to treat each other the way you’d want to be treated. Certain scenes and ship that you might not like could mean a great deal to others and we should all try and respect each other. 

Okay! Now that that’s out of the way, without further adieu, join me under the cut and let’s get to it!

First off, here’s a little observation: Apparently, in addition to comforting Emma, the doctor was supposed to give Emma a tissue. And given the sentences before that note, she’d definitely need it. :(

Another small cut line, but it makes you think just what a war on magic would be like. Also, I love the buildup of Tamara and Greg as these big antagonists and a third faction to counter the efforts of Pan and the heroes, only to pull the rug up from them and the audience. Kind of reminds me of how Dragon Ball Z transitioned from the androids to Cell.

Okay, enough nerding out! Moving on!

I was so happy that we got a juicy little bit of Rumple-y goodness in here! While I’m personally okay with the scene being excluded from the final episode, I do love how this scene builds up Rumple’s transformation back into his Dark One persona. I love the idea of the most dramatic spinning in television history and that crescendo of suspense. You know Isham would’ve had a time and a half orchestrating this scene! Can you just imagine the strings and the percussion?!

And speaking of Rumple, here’s some more Rumple dialogue!!! It builds on what we got in the final version in a more detailed way and makes for a strong moment in the Emma and Rumple dynamic. 

As an added bonus, if you look at the bottom left of the page, it appears that whoever previously had this script helped setting up the sets! So that’s nifty!

Tamara is Spider-Man. OUAT/MCU CROSSOVER CONFIRMED!!

In a similar vein, we see Greg and Tamara here trying to do a bit more damage to the enemies than what we got in the finished episode.  

Phillip! That’s Lumiere’s line! Silly man...

We get a bit more unused dialogue here (Loving the “arrow” joke!)! It’s basically just exposition, but we do get a bit of colliding personalities in here, especially between Neal and Mulan. Considering that these characters don’t get a ton of screen time after this season, this was a nice discovery to uncover.

I also like the smidge of character development Mulan got from Belle -- she’s now taken an interest in seeking knowledge after seeing how effective it can be!

More towards the bottom of the page, here we get two things that I found cool. First, we see a bit more to the guessing game of what is attacking the Jolly Roger and for certain Killian fans, seeing a Kraken out there is pretty cool! 

Second...look the descriptions of some of the actions in these scripts is just phenomenal. And if you ever want to ensure a good ole case of alcohol poisoning, take a drink every time the F word is used! You will be PLASTERED before long! XD

We get a lot of additional dialogue here with some twinges of both Swan Fire and Sleeping Warrior nestled neatly in the actions and dialogue. My friends, I’d have KILLED to see that hand hold in the final product! I also really admire Neal’s steadfast determination here! It’s very reminiscent of Baelfire and is just utterly heartwarming to see how much he cares about his family.

And on top of that, we get a smidge more lore for the after effects of the sleeping curse! I’m no lore snob and I do find the explanation to be a biiiiiiiit weird, but hey -- it’s OUAT and weird is what I signed up for! It works well enough for me.

Tamara, you can’t blame others for your actions! You know better...or at least you should. I don’t know. For a while, at least, you seemed pretty smart and devious. 

But more importantly than that: THE DARK ONE IS BACK! ...I just really liked that line. It reminds me of that old movie Commando. Rumple was trying to leave his past behind...sort of, but to save what matters to him, he’s gotta go back to his old ways. It’s a great mix of menacing and oddly triumphant! Honestly, it just sounds badass and I love that script note!!! 

Like I said...the drinking games that could stem from these scripts could KILL someone! ...There’s nothing new here: I just thought this was funny.

MOVING ON!

Once again, we see some more Neal and Mulan dialogue with both direct and indirect nods to Swan Fire and Sleeping Warrior! I just have a lot of feels for these two, okay?!

So, we’ll see this a bit later in more detail, but there seemed to be something of a D-plot about the Jolly Roger sinking as a result of the storm. It’s only mentioned in the final product during the scene where our team finally arrives on the island, but there’s quite a few lines about this being more of a substantial plot point than what we ended up getting. Once again, I’m overall okay with its exclusion since the conflict of them having to work together was the more important part of the conflict. 

And hey! We get a little bit of CS dialogue too, and I’m not complaining about that at all! I can’t help but feel like had that been included, it (Namely Killian calling Emma a sailor) would’ve been one of those OUAT-y things that just makes its way into all kinds of fan works -- like an OUAT meme that’s not played for comedy. You get what I’m saying? Ah well! 

Let’s keep going!

...Again, not new, but the script direction was just too funny to leave out of this post!

Here we get a bit more dialogue of Emma trying to get her reluctant teammates to listen to her. While I’m fine with the scene as we got it, I would’ve liked it if this went into the final version. It builds up Emma’s desperation nicely and gives their lack of teamwork a subtle hint of tragedy that a solution is literally right in their face, but they won’t listen.

I also like that there’s a bit more to Hook’s extra line. Does one take it as him not believing her alongside the group, or him believing her and tragically pointing out that no one else does? I think the ultimate interpretation would’ve come down to how Colin played it, but I appreciate the nuance of the line!

So, here, like I said before, here’s where we get more of the meat of the Jolly Roger sinking plot point. There’s more of a weight to it. As I said before, while I like this extra dialogue, I do think that the final version was effective enough in showing the team working together and that an extra scene wouldn’t have contributed that meaningfully to it in the overall grand scheme of things.

That all having been said, additionally, we get some awesome Emma here, and I am always a fan of that! We get to see a bit of smugness with that “I was right” line and some frack-a-lackin’great leadership as she leads the group onto Neverland’s shores! It’s an honestly cool moment and I’m picturing Jen slaying as she delivers these great lines!

As you might be able to see on the first picture in this set, there’s a bit of cutoff dialogue. Unfortunately, that’s how I got the script and it happens occasionally in this script. However, if I may speculate, going by Emma’s next line, it seems like Hook was telling her that if they follow through with her plan, Pan will know they’re on his island for sure and will likely be able to find them with relative ease. It’s fitting for Hook’s view of Pan for him to be apprehensive about giving Pan an in like this and makes Emma’s willingness to go into the metaphorical fires of Neverland to be even cooler!

Finally, we end off with another bit of Swan Fire, and it’s honestly pretty touching! Like, he cries over her and she’s the love of his life! That’s just sweet!

Also, I’m pretty sure that Robin line at the top is new, and it’s pretty funny! Robin’s character does snark really well!

And with that, our journey through the uncut side of “The Heart of the Truest Believer” is complete! I hope you all liked these snippets and maybe got a bit more material to think on! I know I did!

[mspinkcake]

Shut upppp that post literally did not say anything about it being men’s responsibility to even the playing field or forcing women into stem it was literally just making fun of the flawed numbers and reasoning. Also just because YOU are not oppressed and have good opportunities does not mean that all women are not oppressed and are just as fortunate so you don’t get to speak for every women in the world in stem or otherwise. Like if ur not a feminist then just say that stop reaching on posts lol

((Please tell me to shut up some more, that’s a great way to start an argument and support women!!!!!!!))

1. Nothing in this post implied it was men’s responsibilty, it was about flawed studies

The headline is “Not all STEM Fields Dominated by Men.” This wouldn’t even be the headline if the argument made 5+ years ago didn’t exist. What is the argument? It goes something like ‘oh shit there are mostly males in STEM fields. That’s wrong for some reason and men are to blame for some reason.’ Using that as the tag line implies that they know about the age old argument about women in STEM. 

The point of my response that you might have missed is that women can do whatever the fuck they want. And there’s nothing wrong with women wanting more social based jobs like nursing that still require a certain level of scientific knowledge but aren’t considered STEM. If everyone who complained about men dominating STEM fields actually joined a STEM field we wouldn’t be having this conversation. And I’m glad those women chose their own path whether it was STEM or not. 

If you can’t grasp how my addition to the post and the original post are unrelated then I’m not sure what else to say.

Side note: what do the other replies have to do with the post either? “Men, despite dominating STEM fields, demonstrating they do not even have a basic grasp on math.” or “This is taking those ‘men who think women dominate a conversation if they speak approx. 30% of the time’ studies to a whole new level.” They can say what they want and I can say what I want, I just don’t see why you singled me out. In fact their responses kind of added to my feelings to make the post. See my other response for more about that.

2. I’m not oppressed so therefore all women aren’t oppressed.

I never said other women weren’t oppressed. I never said some of my professors or classmates were never sexist towards me but I did say I am not oppressed. I just meant to say women are stronger than insecure men. 

I am not oppressed because of the heightened demand for women in STEM fields. Unlike men, I will get hired on the spot (which is slightly insulting imo but I’m confident in my ability to contribute so it’s all good).  But you are right. My post didn’t outright reflect what I’m saying now.

3. If you’re not a feminist then stop reaching in posts

I am a feminist believe it or not, anon. I’m proud to be one despite not being one for many years (I was young and dumb and I’m trying to be better, which I’m hope is going to be a relatable experience for you in a few years, anon). 

I learned life is too short not to support people struggling and be positive in general which is what I like to say on my blog all the time. But I should shut up, you’re just so superior to me! LOL. That was a joke btw, I would like to think all people are equal but that topic is for another time.

I’m going to say same to you as I did the previous ask and the next ask…

This was my first response toany social issues on my Tumblr. Ever. Sorry for making a feelings-based responseon a post that wasn’t necessarily about the topic I talked about. It was justan opinion, it wasn’t researched, it wasn’t an essay, I didn’t want to write anessay on Saturday for random people on Tumblr that likely wouldn’t be convincedanyway (like yourself LOL). I vented about a topic that has been bothering me for a while (5 yearsat least) and people responded positively and negatively about it. 

[sickdaysofficial]

Cracks in the surface

A story by xxx-cat-xxx.

Submitted for 12th of August, Bodily Fluids

Fandom: Marvel

Characters: Tony Stark, Peter Parker, Natasha Romanoff

Summary: Tony is badly injured on a mission with only Peter there to take care of him.

Tags/Warnings: Injury, blood, vomiting, a bit of PTSD and anxiety.

———-

When Peter had wished for an adventurous weekend, he definitely hadn´t meant it in a way that included a building collapsing on him.

 Everything happened awfully fast. One minute he and Tony were duelling a pair of rather stupid criminals in a broken-down office building at the edge of the city, which was fun, all considered. Nat was somewhere outside chasing a third guy that had managed to escape. The next moment one of the suspects fired a blast at Tony that was deflected by his armour and instead hit the ceiling, and then everything dissolved into noisiness and rubble.

 When the dust had settled, the first thing Peter noticed was that his ear-piece was missing. Then he realized that he was buried chest-deep in a heap of rubble.

“Mr Stark?” he shouted as loud as he could, the dusty air making him cough. “Mr Stark, are you there?”

 The response came late and somewhat slurred, but Peter attributed this to the blood still rushing in his ears.

 "What happened, kid? You injured?“

 "No, I´m okay, just pretty sore….” Peter was already making his way out of the mess, looking around for his mentor.

 "So, Parker, to continue with our afternoon lesson of fight strategies,” Tony´s voice said from the far corner of the room, “this is a perfect example of what you should try to avoid. Don´t let a building drop on you…just don´t…” He broke off coughing.

 "Mr Stark, are you alright?“ Peter asked, walking towards him as fast as he could, aware of the deep cracks in the floor that were growing with each of his steps.

 "Don´t worry kid, just a scratch. Might´a hit my head, though. Believe it or not, I´m actually glad that I took you out for a Kindergarden trip today. I´m kinda stuck here, to be honest. Looks like Friday decided to break up with me today of all days. I´m completely out of charge. You don´t happen to have a working communication device, do you?”

“No, it got lost in the crash….”

Peter frowned as the Iron Man armour came into view, most of it buried under what looked like at least half of a story. He started to remove the pieces of debris and worriedly bit his cheek when he saw what was lying below. The suit had taken heavy hits. The faceplate was bent beyond repair, and when Tony tried to remove it while Peter was shifting the last pieces of rubble, he couldn´t help but realize that the older man´s fingers were trembling. When he had finally managed to get rid of the plate, Tony´s face came into view, heavily bruised and definitely a few shades paler than usually.

 "Mr Stark, what happened? You really don´t look fine.“

 Instead of a reply, Tony yanked the helmet from his sweaty curls with a curse, ripped something out of it and started to chew on it.

“You - you are eating your tech?” Peter asks incredulously. Was this a sign of concussion?

“Sure kid. You know, I’m about to turn into a cyborg so that we can contact the mothership to beam us up,” Tony said between trying to crash whatever was in his mouth with his teeth. Peter just stared at him.

“No, genius, I am trying to access the communicator to get us help.“

Something in his mouth gave and audible crack and he smiled, though it quickly turned into a grimace.

“Ah, here we have the little baby,” he said, spitting out a mess of wires and metal. He connected the pieces to some cables sticking from his suit, causing a few sparks to singe the hairs on his forearm.

“I knew you had some reserves stored somewhere, old friend…”, he said while absent-mindedly patting the armour.

It took only a few minutes and an admiring glance by Peter till the device came alive with static.

“-you can… me…Tony? Pet…“

It was extremely distorted, but it was Nat´s voice.

“Hey, Romanov, you good?”

“Stark? God, what took you so long?”

“Ya, got a little tech problem here. Where are the suspects?”

“Mine is straight on his way to jail. Can´t locate the others right now, but since they were in the building when it collapsed, I doubt they made it far.”

“One thing less to worry about… Listen, I´m running on some pretty volatile current right now, and I don´t know how much longer this thing´s gonna work. We’re trapped in the eighth floor, West side, the office with the largest window front – “

“Figured that, genius, I saw the building coming down on you. The problem is, it will take a butterfly coughing and the whole thing´s going to collapse for good. I’m not joking here. Just try to literally not move from your position or you might bring everything down. Nobody´s allowed to enter right now, but we’ll figure out a way to get you outta there. Just give us some time.” Then, after some more static: “The kid’s alright?”

“I’m good,” Peter cut in, “but Mr Stark is-“

“Okay dokey, we’ll make ourselved comfortable,” Tony cut him off “See you in a-“

“Hello? Stark, you there? Shit, I think I lost you-”

There was a loud crackle of static, and then no noise at all.

———-

“I´m never going to eat canned seafood ever again. What an awful feeling to be peeled out of a metal box.” Tony complained while trying in vain to remove the shoulder piece of his armour. He had been talking even more than usual, and Peter had been wondering what he was trying to distract him from. He kneeled down to help Tony with the armour when he noticed something wet soaking the fabric of his jeans. He looked down and nearly jumped at what he saw. There was blood on the ground, lots of it. He traced it back to its origin and discovered a metal shard, at least as long as his forearm, halfway concealed by the rubble, that had pierced deeply into Tony´s body just at the height of his hips. It must have come down with an incredible force, considering that it had managed to penetrate the armour.

“Mr Stark, there’s a hole in your side!” he gasped.

Tony tried and failed to act surprised. “Oh fuck, did it cut my armour? It’s gonna take a week to fix the circuits, dammit.” His voice was shaking, sweat beading his brow despite the coldness of the air.

“This is what you’re worried about right now? Your suit?”

“Can we at least pretend that my distraction tactics work on you?”

Peter just looked at him.

“No? Fine.” Tony sighed, clenching his jaw. “Then get this piece of metal out of here before it turns rusty.”

Peter bent closer to inspect the way the shard was pierced into Tony, but all he could see was blood, way too much of it. He could feel panic rising in his throat, the reality of it all crushing down on him. He had wanted real missions, adventures, but not this. He wanted to be an Avenger, and he did know that this involved seeing people get hurt. But it wasn´t supposed to be the people on his side, and definitely not the one person whose guidance he relied most on. He wasn´t made for this, for pulling a metal shard out of the man who had always seemed invulnerably to him - it was Mr Stark, after all, and he just couldn´t bleed out here in front of him -

“Pete, breathe. Just breathe, come on. You can do that, it´s not so hard, I promise.”

He tried, but he felt like the oxygen wasn´t reaching his brain. Black spots were appearing at the edge of his vision.  

“Spiderman! Look at me!”

The sharpness of the voice pulled him out of it. He glanced at Tony´s brown eyes that were radiating confidence, but he couldn´t help to notice the pain set in the wrinkles around them. He realized that both of them were shaking. Iron Man needed help, what was he doing sitting here and panicking?

“I- I´m so sorry, I-“

"It´s alright kid. Happens to the best of us, believe me. Just calm down and then give me a hand here, will ya? I kinda think I really shouldn´t lose any more blood, or we´ll start attracting vampires….” he trailed off, face rigid from the pain he was trying not to let show.

“Okay.” Peter breathed. “Okay, what exactly should I do?”

“Just remove that damn thing. Try to do it in one go, if you can. If I pass out-“

"You´re gonna pass out?” his voice was an octave higher than usually.

“Of course I won´t do it intentionally, idiot. But if I do, just stem the blood flow, I don´t wanna end up like a god-damn Jack the Ripper victim…

Peter took a deep breathe. He tried to steady his hands, and then gripped the shard and pulled. The metal piece came out with a wet and ugly noise that nearly made Peter gag. Tony was desperately trying to keep blank expression on, but then his face screwed up in agony and he let out a whimper that turned into a gasp when the pain hit fully. The amount of blood flowing from the wound increased rapidly, and his eyes rolled back into his head.

“No, no, no,” Peter whispered frantically, “Stay here, Mr Stark, please.”

“Don’ worry,” Tony mumbled, his eyelids fluttering, “You´re not getting rid of me that easily.”

———-

“Mr Stark?”

There was no reply. Tony was lying on the ground where Peter had tried to make him comfortable, his arm cradling the injured side that was now covered with a makeshift bandage from the button-down he´d been wearing above his T-shirt.

He looked like a wreck, and not only because he was drenched in blood and dust. Everything about him was radiating a deep-bone exhaustion, and he suddenly looked years older than usually, vulnerable and tired in a way Peter had never seen before. The dark shadows under his eyes were definitely not just a result of today´s unfortunate episode, but suggested that the last time Tony had gotten a full night´s sleep lay a long time back.

And Peter could understand why. Eyes shut tight against the pain, Tony´s pupils were moving frantically behind his eyelids, his lips forming unintelligible words that could only belong to a nightmare. Peter had tried to cover him with parts of the room´s original carpet, but Tony was still shivering hard, the blood loss taking its toll. He shifted a little and moaned quietly, something he would never allow himself in front of Peter in a less-delirious non-concussed state. Peter had been debating whether or not to wake him up, but he knew that Tony definitely wouldn´t want him to witness one of his PTSD dreams.

“Mr Stark?” He prompted again. Tony stirred.

“Yinsen? No, don’t…” His eyes were darting across the rooms, his whole body tense and ready to fight.

“No, it´s – it´s Peter. Who on earth is Yinsen?”

“Huh?” Tony´s confused gaze found the boy, settled on him. “Where…?”

“We’re trapped in a building, Mr Stark, part of it fell on top of you. You got hurt and I think you have a concussion, you’re pretty out of it.”

“Well, that explains why I feel like puking all the time…” His eyes drifted close.

“No, please, I´m not supposed to let you sleep!”

Tony glanced at Peter again, seeming a little more lucid this time.

“Who told you that?”

“You, last time I got hit by that guy in the bee costume.”

“Well, that was valid for you, boy, not for me.” Peter was happy to have him talking, even if it was nonsense.

“And why is that?”

“Because I say so.” Tony sighed. He started to inspect himself, pushing the makeshift-blanket aside and frowning at what he discovered beneath.

“You know you aren’t making sense, right?”

“You know that you are a smart-ass?”

Tony coughed, and a few spots of blood appeared on the bandage. Peter swallowed nervously. If help didn´t come soon…Then they heard a faint rumbling from the heap of debris piled up where the windows were supposed to be. Peter desperately wished for it to be someone who had come to rescue them, not a sign of the house going down for good.

He looked at Tony, who was now pulling himself up on the wall, apparently trying to stand. Once he had reached a sitting position, his face paled even further, and he sagged against the wall.

“Give me some privacy, kid”, he groaned, before suddenly turning to the side with a wince and heaving remainders of his breakfast onto the broken floor.

“God,” he gasped and wiped his mouth, but more came up, and he seemed about to lose his balance. Peter was there in an instant, supporting him while the man was retching miserably, one hand pressed to the injured side and his face grimacing from the pain.

“This… sucks…,” he managed when he was finally done, and Peter could only agree. Tony was shivering hard under his hands.

“Let´s get you lying down?”, he suggested, unsure of how to help.

“Just…give me a moment, kid.” Tony panted, leaning his head against the wall and closing his eyes. He was still trying to get his nausea under control when the pile of debris at the other side of the room burst with a loud explosion that made both of them jump.

“What a glorious sight!” Nat shouted at them from the open door of a helicopter that was hovering outside what had once been a window. The afternoon sun that gleamed behind her gave her an otherworldly appearance. There was a cut on her cheek and her hair looked like she had just fallen out of her bed, but else she seemed unharmed.

“You definitely know how to make an entrance, Widow” Tony grinned weakly. “But we really need to work on your timing. What took you so long?”

“Told you, the building´s unstable as fuck. Took us ages to figure out how to blow a hole into it without everything collapsing immediately. Ok, no time for small-talk. I´m gonna throw these harnesses over to your side, they are meant to secure you in case you fall. You wear them and then you slowly walk over here, one by one. Is that clear?”

“Don´t you think you´re exaggerating?” Peter intermitted, scared at the thought of Tony having to walk unsupported. “I mean, there´s a few cracks in the floor, but it should be fine, right?”

“Pete, the ground you are standing on is literally being held by a single glass window front one floor below. Trust me if I tell you that you don’t want to try your luck.”

“Which luck is she talking about?” Tony mumbled, then looked at Peter who was already wearing the harness and had started to pull Tony upright.

The mere act of wearing the thing left Tony breathless and dizzy, Peter could tell from the way he was swaying lightly and clinging to him for support. He bit his lip in worry.

“Go slowly, ok?”, he told him, “Just try not to faint.”

Tony ignored him. “You go first, kid.”

“No, Mr Stark! You´re injured, you – “ Tony cut him off with a glance that managed to be intimidating despite the fact that he could barely keep himself upright.

“Peter, this is non-debatable. You can argue about this as long as you want, I´m not gonna change my mind. But time is kind of a critical factor right now, so please, just get moving.”

Peter gave the slumped figure a last concerned look, then proceeded to cross the room as fast as he could, willing his weight to actually equal that of a spider for once. He made it to the helicopter unharmed, but some of the cracks in the floor had started to spread, and he could practically feel the structure shaking.

“Mr Stark, your turn!”, he called as soon as Nat had pulled him into the vehicle. Tony didn´t acknowledge him, but started to drag himself into their direction, heavily leaning onto the wall for support.

“What´s wrong with him?” Nat asked when Tony stopped after a few steps and hunched over, gagging into the dirt.

Peter replied without turning his eyes away even for a second.

“He got hit by, like, half a floor or something. A metal shard cut open his whole side, and I think he´s got a concussion.” he informed her, trying not to let his voice shake.

“Oh.” Nat said, carefully taking in the man who was now upright again, moving towards them with painfully slow steps, and then “Looks pretty bad.”

Peter agreed silently. Tony had nearly made it, but he was swaying dangerously now, blood trickling down from his side and marking his walk over the ever-growing cracks in the floor. The way he was desperately trying to remain upright was agonizing to watch, and Peter didn´t even want to imagine how it must be feeling.

“Come on, Mr Stark, just a few more steps, you are nearly there!”

Tony looked at him for a second, panic written all over his face, and Peter´s spidey senses went into overload when a part of the floor broke away under his legs, causing him to collapse into a heap. It was enough to break the delicate balance of the building, and the whole thing seemed to give a moan when it started to crash down.

Peter saw it happening in as if in slow motion, and he had a split second to take a decision. Webbing himself to the ceiling of the helicopter, he swung out of its open door, Nat´s protest lost in the noise of the blood pounding in his ears. He caught Tony just when the rest of the floor under him carved in, grabbed him tight and maneuvered them back to the vehicle. Not a second too early, the whole building was coming down for good now. He landed hard, prompting a whimper from Tony, and just sat there for a few seconds while the helicopter gained speed, waiting for his adrenaline rush to die down.

“Dramatic last-second rescue,” Natasha smirked and pulled Peter up, “kind of reminds me of someone else… What did you teach him, Iron Man?” she teased while supporting Tony towards one of the helicopter´s seats.

But Tony was so out of it that he couldn´t even muster a grin, apparently having used up all his strength during the past few minutes. When she deposited him into a seat, he gagged weakly, not even bothering to lean forward, and brought up a slim stream of vomit that mixed with the blood on his shirt. His head rolled limply to the side, sweaty curls sticking to his forehead.

“Hold tight, Stark, it´s less than ten minutes to the hospital.  Just don´t pass out on us yet”. Nat urged, already fiddling with a first-aid box she had taken from under the seat.

But Peter knew that wasn´t what was happening. He recognized the fear and fogginess in the older man´s eyes just before he shut them close, and he could feel that his breathing speed had doubled. He rested a hand on Tony´s shoulder, who flinched away.

“Mr Stark, it´s me, Peter. We´re save, we´re in a helicopter, it´s all good now.”

Peter´s fingers found Tony´s, squeezed them tight to make him understand that this was reality. He knew that in any situation other than this, it would be a clear overstepping of boundaries, but right now he didn´t care. Tony needed to know that he wasn´t alone in this world full of agony. Whatever the noise of the rotor blades and the movement of the helicopter were leading him to believe was happening, Peter was determined not to let him go through on his own. 

He pressed his hand, and Tony didn´t pull it back. Instead, after a minute, his breathing slowed down, and he opened his eyes a tiny bit, taking in Peter, acknowledging his presence. And when he whispered, “Good job, Spiderman”, beneath all the panic and exhaustion and pain, Peter could glimpse a spark of gratefulness in the eyes of his mentor.

[harris-coopers]

Who are your best friends on tumblr and how’d you find them?!

Okay so these are in no particular order or ranking. I love all of these lovely humans and every single person whose ever said so much as Hi to me! (Random anons, ya’ll make my day). Also this got super long so I apologise!! Again i appreciate absolutely everyone I talk to!

@reinhartmendes: Shards was the very first friend I made on tumblr and to be completely honest, I almost lost it when she messaged me for the first time. Here I was thinking ‘omg I am not worthy of this’ because I saw her on my feed all the time and had always been far too nervous to say anything to her! Also she messaged me the day of the MET GALA (8th of May) and honestly that day was the day of blessing so I should have known only amazing things could come from it, and of course apart from well... THAT the other equally as amazing thing was my friendship with Shards. She’s stunningly talented at everything she does and I am super grateful to have her!

@forsythpendleton: Okay so the first time Sarah and I ever talked was because she had sent me an ask squealing over the fact that I was from Melbourne like her and that we liked all the same things. Half the message was in caps lock and thats when I knew, that were were destined to be good friends. Also one of the first things I ever said was invite her to a comic con viewing party and she didn’t run away so that was a pretty good sign. Honestly, I flood her messages with ramblings in all caps about SH on the daily and I swear sometimes she’s probably comes home to like a gazillion and one of them, she never cares though and sometimes she joins in, which makes me feel a LOT less crazy than I do. Also she super nice?? And caring?? and her photography skills?? Sprouse worthy. 

@emmalrb: So I can’t actually remember 100% which post it was but I messaged Emma because I knew she was Australian and basically just wanted to make some more friends on here and honestly you get 100 friends in one when you’re friends with Emma. We bonded over where we live and then shortly after over the fact that KJ was coming to Melbourne and we both were super stocked for it and also that we have basically almost the same job?? (working with kids/teachers). Also I went to comic con by myself this year (which was amazing, both the con and being alone) and I was messaging her updates throughout the day and honestly, she was so invested that she may as well have been there with me! ALSO She will randomly message me and tell me to have a great day?? Like go get yourself an Emma if you don’t already have one bc she’s amazing and her messages are the sweetest! Also she’s a super detective?? If I EVER need help with anything SH related she always knows the answer or can find a link (seriously you’re the best) And she’s also helped me lot with the Sprousehart timeline, along with everyone else in SSH which has literally been super helpeful!!?!. Love you lots!!

@jugheaddjones: Amber, my Brisbane buddy! Our conversation first started because she had messaged me and then straight after that, I messaged her with a gif and asked if she knew where it was from (sidenote: she did and I had been looking for that for SO long) We then realised that we were both from Brisbane (which if you know nothing about Australia, Brisbane isn’t the hottest city to visit). AND THEN  she freaked me out by joking around about if we knew each other in real life!! ( seriously my life flashed before my eyes bc LORD I would have passed out cold) anyways turns out we didn’t and that we both had a secret riverdale life (her words A+++ btw Amber) THEN  we both died over the fact that KJ was coming to Melbourne ( and then I cried a little bc I knew SH wouldn’t be) and basically I too, also spam her inbox with random Sprousehart info or moments. Also we both almost died on may 31st (Met Gala selfie anyone??) so if that didn’t bond us idk what would. Anyways, Amber your an A+ human being and an even better friend ily. 

@itsnotoktohit: I first spoke to Shirin about a gifset I had made, where one of the gifs was broken and I messaged a few people to see if they could delete the broken set while I fixed it. Anyways, long story short, we ended up talking for a really long time about absolute nonsense (honestly a lot of our convos, except for SH related ones bc #facts) Shirin is literally one of the best motivators ever, she is constantly happy and appreciative of literally everything. Half the time I complain to her about things and just basically spurt a whole bunch of 1st world problems stories out and she never cares?? Also she nicknamed me google in the group chat and even tho I don’t think I deserve it, it was still a pretty great confidence booster honestly. Also her love and enthusiasm for SH and all things RD is absolutely amazing and I will cherish it and her forever. 

@bugheadlover101: Peyton, Peyton, Peyton, where do I even start? So the first contact we ever had was of her sending me a post about Cole wearing Lili’s sweater and honestly?? That’s the way to my heart fam. We’ve basically been messaging about RD and SH ever since. She’s somewhat new to the fandom but honestly that’s never stopped her. She’s fits in absolutely perfectly!! We had bonded quite quickly over our love of Sprousehart and it went from there! Peyton is always willing to dig up any old/new sh info to share even just really randomly it’ll pop up in your inbox and you’re just like ‘I came out here to have a good time and honestly I’m feeling so attacked right now’ bc it hits you in the feels and takes you a while to recover. I love her to bits, please never change.

@betty-cooper: Okay so Katie! The first proper interaction I remember having with Katie was actually a tumblr post. I had posted something along the lines of ‘Cole Sprouse, the one person physically unable to look unattractive’ and then Katie (of course) replied or reblogged it and said ‘I present to you Lili Reinhart’. I then amended my post bc ya’ll a girl can’t argue with that truth. The next interaction we had was actually me asking her for a link to the bughead discord. I saw her on my dash all the time and she seemed super lovely and nice so I figured she’d be a good person to approach about it (she was!!) She then helped me with sorting all of that craziness out (turns out I suck at firguring that site out lmao) and basically she’s just been a positive light that guides me ever since. If you didn’t already know, Katie is one of the most considerate, caring and generous people on the planet. She is always willing to help me with a photoshop question or answer ( hello?? GIF QUEEN right here). Also her writing is amazing too?? What can’t she do?? ANSWER: Nothing, she is perfect. Also we bonded over the fact that Lili in Law and Order is absolute golden acting and all the other movies of hers that are less well known. Also Katie, I quite possibly the nicest human being you will ever meet. She is always positive and happy and I really appreciate that. She always pops into my inbox when I least expect it and honestly that’s amazing because she always ends up reaching out before I even realise I need someone to talk to. Katie, you’re fantastic and an absolute gem of a person, ily.

@ccshbh: Nina! First off the first interaction I ever had with Nina was based off a comment that she had left on one of my fanfics. And honestly at that time I about died bc Nina is pure royalty in this fandom and I was pretty stunned that she had liked something of mine (nevermind when she followed me. I nearly passed out that day) The next few interactions were me asking if she knew of something or could help me with finding a fic (sidenote: It was the fic where Cole tries to sneak out of Lili and Madelaine’s shared apartment, which is by far one of the best fics to grace the planet also that fic is pure canon don’t @me) Also literally allll of her fics are amazing and you should definitely read them.  Also her “Idiot...oh, but my idiot” tag on a gifset I made, basically made my day and stemmed a whole other gifset too. Also she is literally the most inclusive person in the entire world and my tumblr life got like 1000x better when you added me to the group chat! Bc I felt like I had friends on here!! Nina is basically a walking bible when it comes to anything and she always knows what she’s talking about! She’s also a super caring friend and is constantly checking in with me when I get bad anons or whatever and I really appreciate it!! She’s super lovely and really approachable and and just an all round great person!! Thanks for everything lovely!!

[haljathefangirlcat]

still thinking about that “we Have To Talk about how quips are ruining fandom by destroying meta and turning all fic into shitposts” post @ms-demeanor wrote a great rebuttal to, and about the other posts she wrote about it and about the You’re Doing Fandom Wrong attitude in it, and about the notes on those posts. not gonna reblog or reply to any of those because my thoughts are admittedly kind of random and jumping from place to place and probably OT to the point of the discussion, but you know. still thinking.

so, uh. not trying to start wank or anything but enjoy the ranting that got way out of hand under the cut.

so, like... that one “we can’t just block everyone who quips and shitposts because some of these people also write actual meta but then they unfortunately go back to Not Engaging With Canon by writing quippy shitpost-y stuff” line, or however it was actually phrased? besides the blatant entitlement with the “you have to fandom ONLY in ways I like, I can’t just engage with the part of the content you create that I’m interested in and scroll past the rest” thing (which kinda reminds me of the whole “you can’t CNTW on some of your fics, I should be able to read ALL of your fics” thing, in a way) and the ”I refuse to curate my fandom experience and I’ll make it some stranger’s problem” thing (which... reminds me of a few other things, but tbf it has probably been around since the very first days of fandom), what if someone doesn’t even see meta and quips/shitposts as fundamentally different and mutually exclusive approaches to fandom? what if they see them as just two ways to be interested in a specific fandom and interact with it, and maybe even closely linked together, so going from one to another is actually very, very easy for them? hell, what if they (gasp!) even mix quips and meta together sometimes?

I have a few posts about what I think Baran bo Odar and Jantje Friese might have been doing with mythological references and themes in Dark, and about what I got from the series finale. some are meme-like, phrased in a joking tone, probably even shitpost-y? another one is literally just a gifset plus me having intense Feels in the tags, and the last one is an edit of the kind I’ve seen people complain about as “those cringey unoriginal tumblr aesthetics that all look the same” in at least a couple of occasions. does that automatically mean I only wanted to “win” at fandom (with my hard-earned prize being... a handful of notes in a fandom that’s not even that big compared to others) and that I haven’t actually spent probably way too much time thinking about the significance of Martha’s Ariadne play as a commentary on character interactions/plot/narrative themes (and honestly still do from time to time), or that I don’t occasionally read the captions under other people’s gifsets and suddenly feel very much enlightened about why the Ariadne play mentions the myth of the Flood of all things? that I didn’t start reading posts and comments and reviews and theories about the series finale as soon as I finished watching it? that, just because I didn’t write 10K+ words of Perfectly Serious Seriousness about all that stuff, I simply refused to Engage With The Text? 

... and if I said that I feel a little irrationally self-conscious at the idea of writing down all of my (often rambling, sometimes jumbled) thoughts about a series that to me actually does feel very deep and complex, so adding memes and humor to that or finding different means to put my ideas out there makes me feel more comfortable expressing myself while also taking off the (admittedly made-up) pressure of having to write a whole coherent essay where I have to find a clear and explicit way to explain where every single thought comes from and how it leads to the next like I’m gonna get graded on it? or that a lot of those thoughts stem from memories of spending five years of high school translating and analysing ancient Greek poetry and reading and watching and discussing every available interpretation and reinterpretation of it from Nietzsche to Vernant to Dürrenmatt to Christa Wolf to Pasolini to a lot of others and from certain things in Dark violently hurtling me back to those times without even asking for permission, so a part of my self-consciousness is actually “I probably don’t actually know/remember enough about this to base a whole in-depth analysis on it even though I do think there’s something there” and another part is “shit I’m too lazy to dig through all of my old textbooks and homework and additional readings to hunt for the thing I feel the desperate need to reference or figure out who might have said it, so no extended explanation here either”? I guess in the end it would all boil down to “there’s an amount of effort and physical and mental energy I’m willing to put into fandom but I also have limits to stop something that makes me feel happy from becoming a chore”, which. considering the whole “you have to put all your resources into constantly pouring out 100% serious meta and nothing else because that’s what I like, no deviations allowed” thing? yeah, I can see saying stuff like that would still make me a blight upon fandom. and/or Not Engaging.

which, I realize, it’s a thing I keep coming back to. but that’s because I really, really, really hate it? seriously, what even counts as Engaging With The Text correctly? not shitposts, and not quips either, apparently. Regardless of the fact that humor and crack have existed in fandom since forever and that it’s actually not uncommon AT ALL for them to be born out of looking at canon from different angles, pointing out whatever the fan in question finds surreal/strange/implausible/convoluted/awkward/just kinda funny about it. 

also, not canon divergence/what if fics motivated not by a desire to “fix” something that made us feel bad when it happened in canon but by a desire to actually fix what we felt was objectively a poor writing choice from the author, because we shouldn’t Engage by analysing the text to criticize it or to think over how and why certain aspects of it don’t work for us or how we think the structure of the text itself could be modified or even improved, we should Engage by... writing meta and/or writing canon-compliant fics with perhaps a little allowance for slightly-to-the-left-of-canon-compliant missing moments fics, I guess? 

from what I’ve gathered from reading other fandom discussion some time ago, AUs are also out, especially Modern/No Powers AUs, because those are always just an excuse to slap your fave’s name on your OC/disguise your original fiction as fanfic to get comments/ignore all that’s interesting about canon to write yet another dumb syrupy high school or coffee shop AU, even if I’m honestly not sure what kind of AUs people are even reading to never get to the “there’s no supernatural threat so let’s focus entirely on the fucked-up family dynamics and blatant mental issues in a world where you can’t just ignore them by marrying off your daughter or sending your son to be someone’s squire” AUs or the “this is pretty much what happens in canon but adding new dimensions and different outlooks on the themes by moving everything to a new context” AUs. seriously, I could rec you a pretty great “this guy would be a horrible father and treat his children horribly in any world, it’s not just the feudal society around him, it’s him as a person” AU and that’s literally just the first thing that came to my mind. but, hey, maybe Engaging is only engaging with the canon plot and setting and nothing else, what do I know.

... fuck, thinking about it, I’m not even sure if by “not shitpost and not quips” I should even mean humor/crack? because it’s not like the OP was clear about it in any way? maybe it’s just all that’s weird and tropey and not-canon-compliant? I can see the “everybody gathers in the main character’s stuff to smoke weed and weird shit happens” fic I got a chuckle out of some time ago being one of the dreaded tumblr-born shitpost fics that are supposedly ruining fandom by ensuring that fans stop thinking (?), but what about the “everything is the same but this one character is a catboy, not for any particular reason but just because” fic I’m currently following and loving? people have been joking and shitposting about catboys a lot on tumblr lately (I distinctly remember that the last catboy joke to pop up on my dash was the “I’m your catboy gf and I’m stuck in a wall” one...) and finding an always-a-catboy!AU initially got an amused smile out of me, so is the mere premise enough to make the fic just a joke/just taking a trope and running off with it/just part of a shallow trend? even when the author literally goes “oh shit just realized this is all a metaphor for neuodivergence and masking” in the story notes? unless writing a character who’s never explicitly stated to be neurodivergent in canon as a being literally or metaphorically neurodivergent in your fic is always shallow projecting or posturing issuefic... instead of, y’know, looking closely at the text and Engaging with it by interpreting it that way....

I feel all this ranting/venting might end up plunging into Why We Slash discussion territory now, so I better stop here.

anyway, in short, good to know I’ve been in fandom for years yet I’ve always been just a Fake Fan who Can’t Think and is constantly Doing It Wrong (by Not Being Transformative Enough, possibly). gonna do my best to stay exactly like that in the future <3

[abovethesmokestacks]

Sweet Dreams - Assorted Flavours (7/9)

Title: Sweet Dreams - Assorted Flavours Pairing: Bucky x Reader Rating: General Audiences (for now at least) Warnings: Fluff and feels. The usual suspects. Spoilers: None

Oh my darlings. You have no idea how long I’ve waited to finish this chapter. Or, well, some of you probably know, since I’ve bitched about it. A lot. In short: long-ass cold, not one but TWO drabble/mini series and a stubborn-as-all-fuck writer’s block. At least I can console myself with the fact that my cold served me well in writing this chapter once I had regained the higher brain functions necessary to actually do some writing. Recipe will be added as soon as I can compile it!

Tag list at the end of the chapter. If you want to be tagged in future chapters, send me an ask, and I’ll add you to the tag list.

| read on AO3 | | not read Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This)? | recipe |

VII. Tread Gingerly

Ginger: a herb in the Zingiberaceae-family, known for its aromatic, underground stem. The stem can be used fresh or dried and ground as a spice. Ginger goes well with apples, lemon, pumpkin, chocolate and dates.

You tried not to push as weeks passed after the incident in the shop. Bucky had said he would try, and you knew he did. He would tell you how he'd slept each time he came in, sometimes sounding so proud for managing two hours, sometimes sounding so utterly wrecked because all of his progress had shattered and he'd had a bad night. You tried not to keep track, but it was hard. With each night, you took his offered update, compared it to the one before, and your heart sank when realizing the good nights barely outweighed the bad ones. You tried to tell yourself it was okay, that he was doing okay, that good and bad nights in equal measure was still better than just bad nights.

It was something to hold on to, and you needed it.

There was no shortage of work, people suddenly crowding to the shop. Valentine's Day came and went, and much as you would have loved to spend it with Bucky, the year's most romantic day was condensed into sharing a pink cupcake and a quick kiss in the kitchen before you had to rush to get everything in order. He'd sat in the shop for a couple of hours, sneaking out while you were in the kitchen to fetch a new batch of pink lemonade cupcakes. Returning, you'd found his seat empty, napkin folded neatly on the small plate you'd served him a chocolate cupcake on. Scrawled onto the tissue was a simple ”Open me”. It had brought a smile to your face, remembering his first visit, and the message left on the napkin. You had taken the plate with you into the kitchen, picking up the napkin, expecting it to be another message. To your surprise, there had been weight to it, something flat and hard wrapped in it. Tearing away the improvised wrapping, you had gasped as a metal disc suspended from a thin ball chain fell into the palm of your hand

JAMES B. BARNES 32557038 T42 43 A                              P

One of his dog tags. Ignoring the steady trilling of the bell above the door, you'd pulled your phone from your pocket, calling him with a lump in your throat.

”Hello?”

”Thank you.”

”You found it.” You could hear the smile in his voice.

”It's... You didn't have to get me anything, Bucky.”

”I wanted to. You've been working so hard, and I wanted you to have something when we couldn't spend the day together.”

You smiled, turning the tag over in your free hand, the pad of your thumb running over the indentations of the stenciled letters.

”Well, James B. Barnes, 32557038, T 42, 43, A, P. Thank you.”

He gave a short, barking laugh. ”It's not the original. Couldn't keep anything that could be used to trigger me back. Though I wouldn't be surprised if it's gathering dust in some old Russian HYDRA compound somewhere. But it's the same information. Still accurate. Still...”

”Still what, Bucky?”

The line had crackled as he exhaled and drew a breath again. ”It's a thing soldiers did, still do, I think. Give one of their dog tags to their girl before shipping out. I- I remembered, there was this guy shipping out at the same time as me. We were supposed to embark, but his girl wouldn't let go of him, crying up a storm, and he tried to get her to calm down. Could tell the fella was close to tears himself. Eventually, he got his tags off, unhooked one and pressed it into her hand, promised her he'd come back, that she'd have a piece of him with her always.”

Closing your fist around the tag, you had pressed it against your chest. There hadn't been that many Valentine's Days spent with a significant other, and any gift you had received now paled in comparison. Bucky had given you part of himself, showing his affection in a way that had your heart beating wildly in your chest.

”Doll?”

”I love it,” you said, voice shaking with emotion. ”It's- thank you.”

From that day, the chain hung around your neck, the cool weight of the tag against your chest a sweet reminder of the man you loved. No matter if he was there or not, no matter how busy the shop was, you'd stop for just a few seconds to feel the metal on your skin. If Bucky was there for the night, he'd smile sweetly at you, at the hand touching the tags hidden under your shirt. It became as much a sign of affection as the kisses and hugs you shared, and for you, it became something of a good luck charm that held you over even during the most stressful nights.

Until one day, it didn't. March was slowly coming to an end, and though you had managed okay, it felt like the month had drawn on for way longer than it should have. You felt tired, the telltale signs of a cold weighing down on you. Being sick was not an option, not when you were the sole employee, and so you did everything you could think of to preemptively stop the cold from flaring up completely. If you had been the only one fighting a cold, it might have worked, but with literally everyone and their mother getting hit at more or less the same time, you were fighting a losing battle. Tea sales spiked as tired customers dragged themselves in through the door for something soothing to drink and something sweet to keep them awake long enough to last through the night.

”It's unfair,” you complained to Bucky one night, head feeling like someone had poured concrete into it.

”Unfair that I went through horrible human experiments, brainwashing and had my memory shot to hell for the slight perk of being able to resist the common cold?” he joked, looking a little too smug as he took another gulp of coffee.

”You know what I mean.” You refilled the tea kettle, setting it back onto the base and turned it on.

”I do, I'm just teasing you. If it's any consolation, I rarely got sick before the serum either. Made it all through the war without getting sick, and at one point I had to share a tent with Dugan, who had the flu for two weeks.”

You mock glared at him, pursing your lips and crossing your arms over your chest. Bucky merely bit his lower lip, apparently your attempt at looking stern had little to no effect on him. Kind of like the cold remedies you had gulped down by the gallon. Your hand drifted to the tag underneath your shirt, fiddling with it and silently asking it for strength for the remaining hours. End of shift could not come soon enough.

You made it through two more days before it got to you, although you steadfastly refused to admit defeat. Despite your limbs feeling like they were laced with lead, you got up, took a fever reducer and set about baking tonight's cupcakes. For days you had been subsisting on soups and gallons upon gallons of lemon-ginger-honey tea, something that you brought into your baking tonight, using ginger preserve to create a cupcake that tasted akin to what getting better felt like. It was slow work, your head drooping, your body forcing you to take short breaks to regain strength, running up the stairs to sneeze. By the time Bucky came around, half an hour before opening, you were still rushing to get the last batches of cupcakes mixed.

”Overslept?” he asked, taking in the disarray surrounding you.

”Sick,” you replied, exhaling heavily and crashing into him, wrapping your arms around his waist.

”Then why are you open? You should be upstairs in bed, doll.”

”Can't.” Your voice was muffled against his warm sweater. ”Have to stay open.”

”Sweetheart...” he began, but you shook your head, looking up at him.

”I need to stay open,” you reiterated, trying to sound firm. ”Either way, it's too late to do a 180 now. I've got the cupcakes almost all done. I can't let them go to waste.”

Sniffling, you turned and walked back to the bowl with half-done cupcake batter. Bucky really shouldn't have mentioned bed. It was all you could do not to abandon everything and go upstairs like he'd said you should. Sleep was... complicated when you were sick, always waking up every two or three hours feeling like you'd both gotten way too little and way too much sleep, never quite finding a happy middle. Sensing Bucky following your every move, you let out a little sigh, looking up again. Sure enough, he'd parked himself in his usual spot, arms crossed over his torso, peering at you with a perturbed expression on his face.

”You're hovering,” you told him flatly, swallowing to suppress a cough.

”I'm surveying,” Bucky rebutted, demonstratively placing one foot over the other to cross his legs.

”Well, then, can you go upstairs and survey me some tea? My throat's killing me.”

Bucky pursed his lips, eyes raking over you before answering. ”What kind?”

”I have a cup by the kettle. It's- there's a strainer in there with chopped ginger that should be good for another cup. Just heat up water, add it with a bit of lemon juice and honey. They're both in the cabinet to the left of the stove.”

He gave a sigh, his own kind of non-verbal protest, but nevertheless disappeared up the stairs. Letting out a long breath, you squeezed your eyes shut for a moment, inhaling again as best you could. It was okay, you could still make it. No extra flourishes for the remaining cupcakes. No one would care, it was okay to keep it clean and simple. A shiver travelled up your spine, and you shuddered, shaking your hands before returning to the unfinished cupcakes.

Bucky returned not five minutes later with a scalding hot cup of tea, trying in vain to at least get you to sit down while you drank. You reiterated how there was no time, commenting that maybe you should dress up in white rabbit ears to make your point. Instead, you had him help where he could, carrying the trays of finished cupcakes out to the case. Part of you felt a little guilty for bossing him around, but he seemed happy to help when you refused everything else. It would be fine. You'd make it through the night. Just a few more-

”Doll?”

”Wha'?”

You looked up, head spinning with vertigo as the shop was brought into focus, Bucky's concerned face taking up most of your field of vision. Next to him, someone cleared their throat, and you whipped your head around, the movement feeling unbearably slow. It was Stan, again, his fingers tapping against the counter. Wait, when had Stan come in? You gave a weak smile, surreptitiously looking around. There were a handful of customers spread out at the tables, Bucky sitting in his usual spot by the counter. You became aware of something clenched in your fist, looking down to find a crumpled ten dollar bill, your other hand hovering over the cash register.

”I hope you're not trying to skin me,” Stan joked, eyes glittering behind the perpetual shades he wore no matter the season and time of day.

”N-no!” you stuttered, almost managing to hide it behind a laugh, forcing your fingers to tap quickly so the register opened and you could give the man his change.

”You should take a day off, darling, you don't look so hot,” he remarked, holding out his hand to take the coins.

You couldn't help but shoot a dirty look at Bucky for that one, who only shrugged in response.

”Oh, don't you know, Stan? I am in fact a robot. Place closes down, they come in and turn me off, stuff me in a cupboard out back.”

”Well, hell, maybe you should tell them to take you in for maintenance.”

”I am going to assume you said that out of concern,” you mock-grumbled, placing your right hand on your hip, the left grabbing hold of the edge of the counter when your world once again began to sway.

”As you should,” Stan smiled, and nodded his head, grabbing the cupcake he'd bought. ”Thanks for this.”

You managed a weak smile, waving the old man off as he headed for the exit. To your right, you could feel Bucky's eyes burning a hole in your side. Stifling a sigh, you let your gaze flicker back to him, and sure enough, he had that expression on him where he wanted to argue.

”I'm fine,” you told him in a low voice, pushing the cashbox closed.

”You're not,” he replied gently, reaching over to take hold of your hand. ”You spaced out, doll, you were gone for almost twenty seconds.”

”'S not that much...” You looked down, blinking a couple of times to reestablish focus.

”It is. Count it out, see how long you just stood there.”

You reluctantly obliged, counting quietly to yourself. It got unbearable by the time you hit ten, and you pulled a face, clenching your free hand into a fist. So maybe you were a little sick.

”I can't close down, I'm-”

”I know, you're the only one here,” Bucky finished for you. ”I swear, if you and Steve had met back in the day, you'd've given me a heart attack.”

His comment pulled a snorting laugh from you, causing another wince as vertigo struck again. You faltered, your grip on Bucky's hand tightening as you slumped forward. Breathe. You gotta breathe, you told yourself, your left hand letting go of the counter edge to pillow your head as you leaned down. Your forehead felt uncomfortably hot and clammy against your hand, but the position provided a small sense of relief. Just a moment, just a couple of seconds-

”Doll!”

Bucky's frantic hiss made you bolt upright, head swimming at the too-fast motion. You swayed, squeezing your eyes shut as a throb behind your eyes surged through you. Had Bucky not been holding your hand in his, you were sure you would have toppled over.

”I'm fine!” you blurted out automatically, only to whimper when the throbbing in your head protested the statement wildly.

Bucky simply looked at you, a plea in his gaze that just begged you to reconsider. You had your retort on the tip of your tongue, another pointed comment about your situation when your eyes fell to the clock on the wall. You were barely one and a half hour into your day. The realization sank like a stone in your stomach. There were still hours to go, and you already felt like you'd been through the grinder. The bell above the door chimed, and you let out a heavy sigh as you saw five women hustle inside, looking way too perky and alert to be real.

”Sweetheart, please, you're gonna run yourself into the ground,” Bucky said under his breath, having noted your defeated expression at the influx of customers. ”I know you don't want to, but-”

”I'll close.”

To say he looked a bit shocked was an understatement. Bucky squinted his eyes to look at you, perhaps checking to see if you were pranking him. You couldn't blame him, you'd probably also think someone was messing with you if you were in his position. Much as you had your principles and plenty of work to do, you also had your limit. Five new customers coming in to the tune of a ache that wouldn't give, that in fact seemed to be spreading instead. Maybe it was because you were finally admitting defeat, allowing yourself to feel as sick as you really were, and it spread like wildfire through you.

”You need help?” Bucky asked, nodding to the customers seated at the tables.

”Don't scare them away,” you mock-warned him, poking him in the arm. ”Just because I close early doesn't mean I don't want them to come back.”

”Oh, you wound me! I swear on my blessed Ma's grave..!”

”Are you gonna help or not, Barnes?”

Bucky merely gave you goofy grin and spun his chair around to jump off it and go inform the patrons that you were closing. You couldn't help your own little grin, however quick it was. The five ladies that had entered approached you, and you explained you would be closing early due to illness. You offered to sell them cupcakes if they were okay with takeaway. Thankfully, they were nice about it, picking out a decent sample box of cupcakes. Feeling bad, you threw in a discount before bidding them goodnight.

Hearing the bell chime again, this time knowing it was because people were leaving, was a bit of relief, until you looked back at the display, remembering the mess in the kitchen you hadn't had time to completely clean up before opening. There was so much to do still, and now that you were finally allowed at least one night's rest, you couldn't fall asleep right away. The cupcakes needed to be put away, the shop needed to be cleaned, the kitchen needed tidying, you had to count the cashbox and check the locks and the alarm, and-

”Hey, hey, what's the matter?” Bucky's voice, tinged with concern, drew your attention.

”There's... there's so much to do,” you answered, sounding way more defeated than you meant to. ”I-I can't, I don't want to...”

Ducking under the counter top, Bucky came up next to you, wrapping you in a tight hug. His embrace, while usually effective in easing your worries, didn't quite reach through to you. Sure, it helped a little, but the ache and the ever-present sensation of vertigo made it hard to focus and your thoughts were a jumble that kept going in circles, always returning to the disarray that couldn't be left to tomorrow.

”Shh, shh...” Bucky soothed you, letting a steady hand run calming circles over your back. ”What do you need me to do? What do you need help with?”

”Everything.”

”We'll be here all night, and that kinda defeats the purpose of you closing early, don't it?”

”I can't leave it, Bucky, the cupcakes-”

”So we put away the cupcakes,” he interrupted you, pulling you away slightly so he could look at you. ”We do the absolutely necessary things, nothing more, nothing less. Think about it, what can't you leave until tomorrow?”

You wanted repeat your answer, but he had a point. If you took on everything, even with Bucky's help, you'd be here for at least an hour, and your body was steadily giving out on you. Taking a deep breath, you ran through your end of night ritual, willing your racing mind to slow down, to match the steady heartbeat thumping under Bucky's shirt.

”Cupcakes,” you began, trusting Bucky to remember things better than you would at this point. ”We need to put them in the fridge, and... and lock the doors and check the alarms. I... I don't remember if I left something out. If I did we need to throw it away.”

”Cupcakes, doors and trash,” he summarized, stroking you over the crown of your head. ”Sounds doable.”

You nodded meekly against his chest, unwilling to leave now that you were there. Still, you knew you had to get started, and you extricated yourself from his hug. Bucky insisted he put away the cupcakes, urging you to lock up since you knew the system better. Too tired to argue, you gave another nod, dragging your feet to the front door to lock and deadbolt it, then twist and pull the handle an inordinate amount of times to really make sure it was locked. A slow crawl later via the till to at least pull out the cash drawer, you were in the kitchen, barely noticing Bucky as he scooched past you. After hiding the money, the procedure was repeated on the backdoor. Lock, twist, pull, repeat.

”It's locked, darlin',” came Bucky's gentle voice behind you.

You turned, finding him with one tray in each hand, a small smile in place.

”'M just being thorough,” you told him, feeling your cheeks burn slightly.

”I know,” he appeased, setting one of the trays down to open the fridge. ”Look, I'm just about done, only got three trays left. Why don't you set the alarm and go upstairs, I'll come up as soon as I'm done.”

”You'll need the code, do you remem-”

”954772.” Bucky shot you a grin. ”Memory might be a bit shoddy, but some things still stick. Go on, go upstairs and get to bed. I'll be up before you know it.”

If you'd had more energy, you would have teased him for that accidental innuendo, but as it was, you hummed and headed for the door that led upstairs. You punched in the sequence that would set the alarm and headed up the stairs while Bucky kept his eyes on you for as long as he could, knitting his brows together when the door finally swung close. He had to work fast. It was only a flight of stairs and small distance between your door and your bedroom, but god only knew what you could get up to in your state.

He hurried to fetch the rest of the cupcakes from the case and the windows, snapping a quick pic of the packed fridge that he sent to Stark with the caption ”I assume you can afford these?” He could accept bringing home a small box of leftovers, but this was more than he'd feel comfortable taking home without offering any compensation. Stark, not surprising, got back to him in seconds with a ”if this is a joke, I'm kicking you out”, followed almost directly by ”You don't toy with a man's emotions like this, so this better be real” and ”I'm writing a check now”. Bucky smirked, tucking the phone back in his jeans pocket. The kitchen, while still in a bit of disarray, could wait until tomorrow. There was nothing left out on the counters that needed to be thrown away immediately, although his fingers twitched with the need to help and tidy up. Bucky shook his head. He'd promised he'd be up as quickly as possible. Everything that had to be done was done. Giving the room one last once over, Bucky quickly punched the code to the alarm, opened the door an hurried up the stairs.

Making a beeline for your bedroom, his heart almost dropped when he saw your bed empty. Mind running a mile a minute, Bucky's eyes began scanning in the room, the tactical training that had been part learned, part forced upon him taking in the minute details of the room. Window closed, no sign of forced entry. Bed made, sheets still neat, no struggle. Point of extraction unlikely. His body started moving almost of its own accord to continue the meticulous search in the living room, hand already back in his pocket to call Steve and assemble his team mates to tear down the city if that's what it would take, when a soft whine diverted him.

It felt like his heart stopped completely when his eyes found you, curled up like a cat on the couch. The tension that had gathered in him bled away, jaw unclenching and lips pulling up into a soft smile. You looked so small to him, and Bucky couldn't help but see the similarities to Steve as his friend existed in his choppy memories; easily shrugged off as frail and weak but with tenacity to fight the entire god damn world. He hesitated before pulling the blanket from the backrest, scrunching up his face as he saw the hole still there. Why you still kept this couch was beyond him. Bucky shook out the blanket, draping it over you and pressing a kiss to your forehead, memories supplying context: his ma, kissing him and Becca just like this to test their temperature. You're warm, not quite burning, but it's getting there. He set off for the kitchen and seconds later, the kettle was bubbling. Quickly, Bucky found the ingredients needed to make you a fresh cup of tea, tiptoeing to the bathroom to rifle through the mirror cabinet. The telltale click of the thermostat shutting off sounded just as he pushed a fever reducer from the foil capsules.

”Sweetheart?”

Bucky gently stroked your cheek with his right hand, making sure to carefully set down the mug he held in his left on the coffee table. You gave another whine, curling together more and trapping his hand between your cheek and your shoulder.

”C'mon, sugar, wake up...” Another protest. ”Just for a little while. Got you some tea and something for your fever.”

”Bucky?”

Your eyes fluttered open, blinking until they finally settled on him, bringing out a dopey smile. A stronger man than him might have been able to keep a straight face, but Bucky conceded then and there; he was not a strong man, not when you looked at him like that.

”Got some tea and medicine for you,” he repeated. ”Think you can sit up for a little while?”

Nodding, you pushed your upper body down before trying to launch yourself up into sitting position. It took a couple of tries, a whole lot of suppressed grunts and Bucky gently helping you along and making sure the blanket stayed on you. When you were all seated, cup of tea in your hand and medicine swallowed, Bucky joined you, sitting down on your left. You hummed contentedly, letting your head droop and fall against his shoulder, your eyes once again falling shut.

”C'mon, drink a little more tea,” he coaxed you, pressing a kiss to the top of your head.

”Wanna sleep,” came the slurred answer, followed by a heavy sigh.

”I know, I know. Just a few more sips, okay? Then I'll tuck you back in.”

You held onto the mug with both hands, taking a few token sips before holding out the mug for him. Bucky shook his head and gave a small scoff. Yeah, Steve and you would have gotten along swimmingly, probably put him in an early grave. He took a sip of his own, humming as the combined taste of ginger, lemon and honey hit his tongue.

”Don't... Don' want you gettin' my icky germs.”

”Got immunity, remember? Your germs can't get to me,” Bucky told you, placing the mug on the table. ”Let's get you to bed, okay?”

You hummed, but made no move to get up from the couch. He tried cajoling you some more, but you were almost fast asleep again and pretty much dead to the world. Seeing no other way to get you from the couch to the bedroom, he gently shifted you so he could snake one arm under your knees and the behind your back to lift you up. You barely let out a huff as Bucky carried you the short distance, only turned a little in his grip when he sat down to pull the bedspread aside, and giving a shallow sigh when you were finally laid out like Sleeping Beauty. As he reached to pull the comforter over you, you shifted again, rolling onto your side, your hands coming up to clasp something at your neck. In the soft light from the lamp posts outside, the metal of the dog tag only glinted dully, but to Bucky it may as well have been the sun. 

He'd spotted the chain around your neck every time he'd visited since Valentine's Day, barely able to conceal the joy that shot through him. You always kept the tags under your shirt, but he could understand why, and the thought that you carried him with you where you went warmed him more than he'd expected. Bucky reached out, letting his fingers drag over your closed fist, feeling the metal of the tag, still warm from your body heat, under his fingertips. His left hand dipped inside the collar of his own shirt, pulling out the matching necklace with the second tag.

The idea had come to him when Steve had dragged him along to once again go through boxes of stuff from their time. It was mostly photos and trinkets, but at the very bottom were Steve's own dog tags. He'd gotten them, but never really taken to wearing them while out in the field, and after the Valkyrie went down, all of his belongings had been packed and filed away in storage. Bucky found himself missing his own tags, this simple sign of identification. Name, service number, vaccinations, blood group, religion. A solid sign that he existed. His own tags were lost forever, but Steve had pointed out he could probably get replacement tags if he wanted. It had taken some wrangling to get them, and seeing them looking so... new felt strange. He still remembered his own tags, a little banged up, the metal having lost its intial shine. Giving one of the tags to you had been an easy choice, and Valentine's Day provided the perfect time to do so.

Bucky leaned down, planting a soft kiss to your forehead. Your temperature seemed to have gone down a little, and you hummed under your breath.

”Please, don't go,” you murmured, leaning in to the sweet kiss.

For once, Bucky's first reaction was not to deny you. A stronger man might have been able to, but as he'd established, James Buchanan Barnes was not a strong man. He didn't care if he wouldn’t sleep a wink, he wanted to be here, wanted to do this. It was domestic, intimate. Forehead kisses and tea and someone who wore proof him right by their heart. He smiled against your skin, pressing another kiss there.

”I'll be on the couch, darlin'.”

His statement calmed you, allowing you to slip back to dreamland while Bucky eased himself off the bed and tiptoed out of the room. Lying down on the couch felt easier than before. He didn't expect to sleep, instead lounging and listening to the sounds of your rhythmic breaths while letting the tag flick between his fingers.

Proof he existed, a promise he'd always come back.

Tags: @ursulaismymiddlename, @loup-malin,@4theluvofall, @booksandshowsandmovies-ohmy, @assbutt-son-of-a-bitch, @bakexprayxlove, @thelastjedl, @juliagolia87, @oceanilserain, @fallingpanickedkilljoys, @bovaria, @ceebeetumbles, @feepsmoothie, @avengerofyourheart, @sarahsassafras13, @sebbytrash, @creideamhgradochas, @omalleysgirl22, @canumoveyourseatup-no, @just-another-fangirl777, @softwhispers, @therealgingermermaid, @c-maximoffs, @ipaintmelodies, @reniescarlett, @wellfuckbuck, @delicatecapnerd, @princesabee, @mizzzpink, @winter-in-wakanda, @andhiseyesweregreen, @supergoodatfailng, @ouatalways, @awaitingjudgementx, @4theluvofall, @avengingnights, @ourpeachskies, @lenavonschweetz, @beingpeculiarsince2001, @stephanie11220, @themcuhasruinedme, @feepsmoothie, @nuvoleincielo, @mellifluous-melodramas, @callamint,  @mrshopkirk, @tatortot2701

[hoshira]

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

for every ♡ i’ll tell you how to win my muse’s heart !

o1. give him compliments ! tooru adores being told what is liked about him. it gives him a sense of validation + lets him know that he does have good traits. one big insecurity of his stems from the fact that tooru feels like he has no set personality─ that the traits which he shows are not his own, but rather those that have been stolen from others. if you give him in-depth examples of how or why he’s nice / loving, he’ll love it. this also goes for physical traits, as well. if you tell him his eyes are nice or his skin is soft, etc, etc, he’ll get really flustered about it, but he appreciates it a lot… being complimented in general gets him embarrassed, but you’ll know you’re doing things right when he brushes his hair back and can’t really look you in the eye. he gets overly flustered because he isn’t used to being complimented like that… so you’re basically telling him stuff he’s never heard, with a possible genuineness he’s never experienced. of course, this can be negative, as well. if you know what to say, you can get him to fall for you rather easily, even if you don’t mean any of the words you’ve told him. he’s pretty easy to fool in that sense. just watch out, cause even though tooru can’t tell apart what’s real and what isn’t, you bet your butt his team will step in and kick it if you’re just lying to him / feeding him fake compliments to get something out of him.

o2. share / support his interests ! now, you don’t have to be 110% invested into every single hobby or interest of his. that’s just unrealistic, and while tooru would appreciate it at first, he’d probably get bored just as easily. i mean, when you’re with someone who’s really similar to you, it opens a lot of paths to take in terms of subjects you can discuss, but it almost starts to feel like you’re talking to a mirror at some point if you don’t have at least a few things you can debate about / disagree on. anyway, i digress… no, you don’t have to relate to everything he says, but being supportive of what he likes is a good thing ! he’ll definitely find it endearing that you’re at least attempting to get into what he’s into. brownie points if you encourage him when it comes to his more… eccentric interests, like his pursuit of aliens or really obscure things that he dabbles in, like… tea leaf reading lol. and it goes both ways, since tooru’s super supportive of people, no matter what ! if it’s something like volleyball, too, tooru gets really pumped if you both share that hobby, since you have stuff to talk about ( his life p much revolves around his team ok… )o3. understand that the team comes first. this is… kind of big. tooru loves shiratorizawa with all of his heart. if you’re dating him in high school, this is something you HAVE to be aware of. tooru sees his team as his family, and if you make him choose between that or his relationship with you, he will always pick the team. this doesn’t necessarily count for his university au, since the team will have split up + gone different ways by then, but the notion stands. to tooru, shiratorizawa were the first people to teach him what the notion of ‘ family ’ and ‘ home ’ meant. if you can’t understand why he cherishes them, then you have no chance with him lmao.o4. on the other side, however… be possessive / dominate. to a healthy extent, of course. i’m not talking about ruin-his-social-life possessive, but rather just… hold him closely when you notice other people looking at him in a certain way, or call him yours. the latter makes him really flustered tbh, but he likes it. likes knowing that you’re not going to leave him─ a fear that resonates deeply within his mental illness. he’s scared that people are going to leave him one way or another, so being possessive in that sense is completely fine. and honestly, tooru’s pretty submissive in general. i mean, he’s not gonna take shit lying down if you piss him off enough, but he also won’t complain about the occasional head pat or the tight yet domineering hug.o5. be considerate of his mental illnesses. umm this is super important tbh… like, not even if you’re dating him, just in general. you have to be aware of tooru’s mental illnesses ( especially his bpd ), and know what causes him to act in a certain way. tooru is very understanding, so if you aren’t sure of what to do in some situations, he’ll try his best to guide you through it. he knows that bpd is difficult to deal with on both ends, and even more so when you know nothing about it. but there’s a line between misunderstanding / general ignorance ( + willingness to accommodate / improve ) and just being a plain old dick and not even trying to understand him. it ticks him off, tbh, especially since he would do the same for anyone else. if you demonstrate that you sympathize + want to understand him, then he’ll love you like 12340x more for it !!! because this is so essential to him, especially since he lives in a society that would shun him for being this way !!o6. niceness. that’s it. like, this is the easiest way to woo him, and it also coincides with my first point of complimenting him. tooru gets infatuated so easily, and it’s almost always because the other person was nice to him. tooru’s so used to living in a world where you feel like you’re fighting a war─ against society, against your peers… against yourself. so it’s always so liberating to him to meet somebody that is nice ( though whether that’s how they truly are vs how they merely act is another thing altogether… ). he’ll definitely find it as a shock, but he’ll also be more than happy to embrace it. and it’ll get him to like you even more─ he loves finding that small speck of light within this world of darkness.o7. if you’re taller than him and act like a jerk but have a hidden heart of gold, he’s already fallen for you. no joke─ if you fit all these requirements, there is an 88% chance that he likes you in some way, even if it’s just infatuation. he loves guys who can more than easily hold through a fight, but also have a soft spot for things like plushies and puppies… i guess he’s a sucker for romances. tooru is a rather hopeless romantic, despite being repulsed by the thought of him being in a relationship at times. he loves the whole bad person / good person trope, wherein the former’s single weak spot is the latter… why is he like this… he just wants to be the good person, yknow…o8. SERENADE HIM, HOLY SHIT. noa fence but… tooru’s a sucker for shit like this… if you sing a love song to him or write one… he’ll like… cry. literally he’s tearing up as i type this rn HE WILL LITERALLY CRY AND SWOON AND FALL IN LOVE W/ U 10/10. tooru loves singing but it isn’t really a talent that he shows off but just !! he appreciates a good song when he hears one, and he’ll appreciate you like 50430x more if you sING TO HIM PLEASE HE DESERVES THE HAPPINESS OF HAVING A SONG WRITTEN ABT AND SUNG TO HIM ADAUKFHAo9. u dont even have to write him a song just do sth for him honestly. i can’t believe… how easy it is to get tooru to like you… like just look at this list, you literally just… breathe and he loves u already… wtf… but to add onto this list. just do anything in his honour. tag him in a post. link him a song that reminds you of him. write him a poem. include him somehow. he loves it─ loves being validated, loves knowing that he matters enough to make someone think about him. because that’s all tooru wants. his name may mean ‘ to become invisible ’ but that doesn’t mean that he wants to be forgotten. please, just remember him in some way. make him feel like he is allowed to be.1o. tell him you’ll never leave him. even if you’re lying, i doubt tooru would care. he just wants to cling onto the hope that there is somebody who will be with him, always. even if you’re just lying to him. even if you leave one day. he wouldn’t even blame you─ rather, he’d probably see it as something that he did, but… still. tell him you won’t leave. make him feel like he matters. that he isn’t worth losing. even if you do feel like he’s worth abandoning.11. be his friend ! tbh, just. maintain a friendship with tooru. make it so that even if you guys were to break up, it wouldn’t be awkward. remind him that you can stop dating someone but remain friends. that’s really what he wants out of any relationship─ permanence. he doesn’t want to lose those happy memories, so just being with him means a lot. no need to tack a label onto things. just stay.12. remember him… please ? he wishes that this would last after he dies, but. he knows that’s never going to happen. nonetheless, he wants to be remembered in some way. yes, it’s impossible, especially given his canon, and yet… and yet.

meme. // @bokuutos​ ( thanks for sending it in !! )

[ramblingsbyrhi]

some spoilt brat type wall of words

What I’m about to write isn’t going to be pleasant or enjoyable or uplifting in any way, shape or form, so consider yourself fairly warned before you complain about my whinging as the ability to stop reading is entirely yours.

This stems from the troubles I’m having with my iphone.. hear me out, a web has begun. I’ve had iphones since I was 17, I’ve been through a few of them. I’ve never had major problems though until recently when my camera started malfunctioning for absolutely no apparent reason. At first it was only through apps and then the actual camera itself started shaking and wobbling, so any time I wish to take a photo I have to use the front camera. Which I understand is absolutely the biggest first world problem, but still, I paid over a thousand dollars for a product that I expect to work for a very long time, not for a couple of years then “HEY! We’re releasing unnecessary new products.. oh, whats that? Your phone broke? Well, my! How convenient!”.

Then the classic YOU ARE LOW ON STORAGE annoying as all fuck message started appearing contiiiinually no matter how many things I went through and got rid of (funny how it used to hold over 1000 photos and now it struggles at 5.. just saying is all). I thought, okay, I’ll try the update, that might fix a few bugs, right? Wrong. Try as I might, the iOS update WOULD. NOT. INSTALL. for various reasons, including but not limited to: lack of storage, no internet connection (the wifi was full, hmm), ERROR *insert some number that I googled how to fix, to no avail*, and pretty much no reason at all, just “failed.” Thanks Apple, I really appreciate those hours of my life you wasted. No, really, I probably wouldn’t have done anything productive with them anyway and the anger inspires me.

Everyone’s saying things to me like “Ohhh my god rhi, why don’t you just get the new phone when it comes out?!”. Yeah, that’s all well and good for the average Joe Blow who doesn’t mind the monthly hundred dollar bill. And you know what? That was me not all that long ago. In fact, earlier this year I did try to update my phone and plan however had a MAAASSSSSIVEEE battle with optus who a. sent me the wrong phone b. could not help me in getting the right phone c. agreed to cancel it and nevermind the upgrade because I was over it by then and they said they’d send me a satchel to return the phone in d. never sent me the satchel e. instead sent me a fifteen hundred dollar bill f. finally understood why I didn’t deserve the bill and sent me a satchel g. sent me more ridiculous bills h. sent some debt collecting company after me i. FINALLY helped me get to the bottom of why the fuck I was being sent the bill j. FIIINNALLY agreed to me paying thirty dollars and the account’d be settled k. didn’t bother clearing things up with the debt collectors who wouldn’t leave me alone no matter how many times I explained to them that I literally owed no money as it was Optus’ wrongdoing (I was given various instructions as to clearing my dads [oh yeah, to make matters worse optus refused to put the phone into my name but were more than happy to have me open up a new plan under it] name by several employees of this company, none of which worked).  BIG BREATH. So in the end I was glad because instead of paying almost a hundred per month to have a flash new phone, I kept my (what WAS) in-perfect-condition existing phone, and saved money by only paying for the calls and data etc. per month.  So now my response to the upgrading suggestion is why? Why should I have to pay more money because of something I already paid a lot of money for that isn’t working, when it should be in order? Why would I pay thousands of dollars for something, only to have to pay thousands more to replace it when it should last, being worth a thousand dollars and all? What the fuck? CONSUMERISM IS INCREDIBLE!

So you can imagine my feelings towards Apple and Optus right now. Which got me thinking about how reliant we are on these absolute piece of shit companies who cannot get it together despite how large they are and how many people have come to depend on them. DEPEND. It’s true, it really can’t be denied. We have come to RELY on always having phones and internet with us, one hundred percent of the time. I toyed with the idea of not having a mobile, because fuck it and fuck them taking all my money for me to still lose. Plus, 10 years ago I got by fine without having one so why can’t I now? And that’s the thing. I’m honestly starting to feel like as a society who have been spoilt with technology, we have become so dependent on it and every single thing we could need being accessible, that it would be weird and at least difficult to live without. Imagine my boss when I tell her I don’t have a mobile anymore, and she’d have to call me in on my home phone (which yes, we do have, but I know many people now do not. WHAT?? HOW?! because on the internet they are RELIANT!). I can’t imagine she’d be very pleased if I were out doing groceries or at the gym or, I don’t know, just enjoying my day off, and she needed me to come in ASAP but I was not at home to answer her phone call. But that’s how things worked not all that long ago, people lived that way and dealt with it. And imagine if I had no/no access to social media. How would I make friends or remain in contact with people, or start “talking” to a guy? That’s how it goes now, isn’t it? You meet or hear of someone you take an interest in, and straight to facebook or Instagram you go, and the rest is history. We joke about it, but it’s true! Is there another way people get to know each other now? Do people even text anymore now that everyone’s all over messenger?? TEN YEARS AGO PEOPLE!!! Life honestly changed in the blink of a fucking eye. A generation ago people kept in contact without all this shit, and they managed to marry and have babies and maintain lifelong friendships! CRAZY. I honestly feel like if the internet and social media were stripped away we’d be beside ourselves (especially those who go t rid of their home phones ;) ).

It’s all too easy and far too accessible. You really can find out too much about someone so quickly now, I imagine privacy and its definition will soon work itself into language of history alongside all that Shakespeare mumble that I regretfully do not understand. And I thoroughly believe that not only is our reliance on the ease and accessibility overall negative, but as is the impact it has upon everyone’s mentality and relationships. Or, what relationships have become with the bittersweet evolution of the www. Which would be what? What are they? What do young, and even older people want these days in regards to a relationship? Let me rattle off a few ideas, great suggestion you! The term “facebook official” is no longer a joke, it’s become a serious indicator about everyone’s status, which, is now apparently the business of everyone they know and a few randoms they’ve accepted in their friend requests along the way. Once two people’s relationship is officially recognised on the FB, I think they’re supposed to chuck up a few pics (ones with kisses on cheeks and selfies in adventurous looking locations, so people know they’re blossoming) and tag each other in emotional statuses, and memes of course. That way everyone can monitor that they’re still happily in love and evolving as a couple. Instagram pics a must as well, and a little mention of each other or at least the inclusion of each other’s initials in the little bio are also a standard requirement I believe. And that way, once the pics stop being uploaded or are deleted, along with the initials and the “SHARE WITH: PUBLIC” relationship status, everyone can know that things didn’t quite work out and they’ve dived back in with the other fish and considered a potential catch until they decide to have a bite of the next one, and the process repeats.

And repeats. And repeats. Or, doesn’t repeat. Because all of that really IS a huge commitment. Like, not only is keeping up appearances online an awful big exercise, but so is the stuff from the olden days that unfortunately we’re still supposed to do a little bit of, like spend genuine time with your SO, surprise them with gifts and flowers, introduce them to your family, begin your futures together, not jack off over other people’s instagrams, commit. Oh, my apologies, how silly of me to suggest that nan and pop jacked off over other people’s instagrams! Hahaha. No, back then these factors never came into play, because they didn’t exist. And by no means am I saying that pop never had a look up another girls ankle length skirt as she paraded up the staircase with a boy from out of town at the local dance, hell, he probably did that several times. PER DANCE. Or flirted with the bar lady at the pub after work, before he came home to nan’s incredible cooking and kept home. But he didn’t get the barmaid’s name, he didn’t look her up on facebook later and sneakily chat with her on MESSENGER while nan did the washing up god bless her. He went home and they became your grandparents because they committed to each other, despite nan checking out the milkman’s bum as he trekked back up the driveway of a morning, or pop watching the perky young woman next door whose bedroom window was positioned in his viewing favour.

They didn’t have the ease of access that we have not only taken for granted, but have let shape us in shitty ways. I truly feel like, and disagree if you want but I know it exists, we’ve become so used to accessing unlimited amounts of people, that we’re always wanting more. If Beyonce is going to get cheated on, who won’t? Is cheating nowadays even the same as it was twenty years ago? Ten years? Is flirting and or exchanging nudes over snapchat cheating? Because nothing physical happened, right? People these days ask for “nudes” (and I can say this with experience) before hardly getting the name of the nude-ee, and I can only imagine the number of requests sent to various people, and the variety they’ve seen, or unfortunately kept. With accessibility comes a massive lack of respect, and it has to go without saying that the concept of respect, and where it is given and deserved, has changed dramatically since pop first kissed nan’s hand at the dance. A “nude” back then would’ve had to have been strategically photographed, developed, enveloped, stamped, sent, waited for, received, and then cherished and kept under the bed, whereas now one could’ve requested and received ten different ones in the time it took me to write this fucking sentence, and even sent two on to his or her equally tasteless mates.

Not to mention the fact that he or she asked ten different people for them would go unquestioned. What is this “talking” that people do anyway? Any time someone has suggested that they and I did “talk” or are “talking” I shudder so hard Christchurch would prepare to rebuild. I think commitment is completely different to what it once was, what with tinder and the like and phones with locks on them and snapchats that disappear, no one has to be loyal to any one person if they don’t want to, and why would they? Why commit to one cake when you could taste a few on the regular, then replace them with the right swipe of your index finger when you feel like it? “Talking” doesn’t refer to anything serious, I don’t think. It’s like when you could probably get it on with someone but you aren’t letting people know about it because you’re “talking” (fucking, I presume) to a couple of other people as well, but you aren’t doing anything wrong or disrespecting anyone really because you aren’t dating you’re only TALKINNNGGG. Have I got it? Can someone confirm, or correct me? I’m so dying to know. And there are that many gorgeous humans in the world, no one can blame you for wanting to window shop and even go try on some things whilst doing so. There’s always going to be a prettier dress, or a comfier hoodie, or a new colour of vans. You can’t just buy the first or fifteenth you see, just in case. Missing out would be THE WORST. And you don’t owe it to any of them to discuss the predecessors or… (what’s the word for predecessors but happening at the same time? anyone? no word? funny that) if you are only talking and you’ve made it clear that that’s all you want. No commitments or relationships here, no sir-eee! And then suddenly your 30th birthday is coming up and you kind of feel like maybe you should have built a life with someone by now but you were too busy gaining notches in your belt and you still aren’t sure which dress you want the most so maybe you’ll give it until 35 before you make a massive decision and settle down and stop unknowingly spreading chlamydia. Maybe. There are far too many babes on Instagram to get through but hopefully another five years will get you close.

I do apologise for the tangent and apparent change in tone, but like I said earlier a web really formed in my mind at the shit performance of my phone. I suppose what I’m kind of but super not really getting at (or trying to, at least), is as great as technology is, I do think it’s really fucked up (a better term cannot be accessed at this time, not unlike the iOS update, strange). The idea of growing up around the time that my dad did, or even before, constantly lingers in the back of my mind. And yes, believe me I realise how pathetic that is coming from me as a type this contradictory slab of words; please understand that I’m grateful for the ease in which I can type up my thoughts as they occur, then share them and quite possibly connect with someone anywhere in the world who can relate at the mere click of a button and copy of a link (poor old pop might think I’m talking about imitating a chain). But I do sometimes feel like a lot of us have missed out on developing respect for each other and relationships of our own in ways that we’ll never even come close to within our society. We don’t put up THAT much of a fight at the fact that companies suck us in and take us for all we’ve got because they KNOW we can’t live without them and the latest and slimmest ever phone in existence. And I can only imagine living like this will only intensify and worsen as we advance in technology and the speed in which we can slide into people’s “dm”s. Maybe it’s me, maybe it’s all in my head, but I decided a long time ago to stop holding my breath if even Beyonce had to.

[broketheyolk]

Inadequate

Wow, it’s been over a year since I’ve written in here. Well, some things have changed and a lot hasn’t. I just read my last post and it was pretty humorous for the state of mind I was in (which was pretty fucking depressed). Update: I was good for a while but now I’m back feeling depressed as fuck. I’ve gotten a new keyboard at least so now I can type a bit better than how I was with the last post from over a year ago. Since I just read my last entry I’ll try to keep the format the same so I can remember what I was doing or at least paint a picture if you’re a random person just reading this. It’s 3:07am on a Saturday night (technically Sunday morning). I was just kind of pissed off because I couldn’t figure out how to log into this blog since I thought it was tied in with my “regular” tumblr but after getting mad and getting kind of hot (literally, I was sweating) I figured out that this tumblr was under a different email. God, I’m such a genius. It’s July and it’s still warm at night so I have my fan in my window blowing cold air in so I won’t be all sweaty and gross while I’m trying to sleep. Ghost in the Shell is playing in the background on the tv. I’m listening to Spotify to Hello by Engelwood Radio but the station was kind of sucking so I had to just switch it to the song on repeat. I have a ton of thoughts going through my head and it’s hard to figure out what to write first.

I feel like shit. I’ve been depressed for the last two weeks. It isn’t as bad as when I had it last year, which was really the first time I’ve ever really been depressed and felt that way. I feel like I just have anxiety all the time. My sister, her kids and her stupid ass husband are moving back in which is going to be a shitty situation. They say they’re only going to be here for 6 or 7 months but god knows how long it will really take them to leave. That prompted one of the reasons for my anxiety/depression. I was looking to finally move out but with the stupid bills I have I can’t afford to get an apartment and they don’t even really have studios in  the area which I would be fine with. Not being able to afford to move out really fucked with my head. I’m 30 going on 31 now and I feel so fucking inadequate. I’m working at a job where my coworkers are in their early twenties and here I am 30 years old and I just feel like a piece of shit loser. I feel like I should have more to show for my age but then again I can’t really complain because I haven’t put in the work to earn a better living. Then there’s my job. I feel really complacent. I make an ok amount of money but at this point I need to make more so I can finally fully support myself. The thing is that if I don’t think about it I’m fine where I’m at grinding away. Unless, I think about it then I won’t want to do any better. Also, I’m still fat. I’ve made minimal effort in trying to lose weight and it just comes down to me being a lazy piece of shit.                                                    

Here’s the cherry on the top though, I met a girl. She came in while I was working and made a funny comment asking if I was the only person there, which caught me off guard but was a great ice breaker. We talked a lot and it was nice that we were the only ones in the store so I could really talk and listen to her. She told me about her family and I was enamored immediately with her. She is definitely my type. She’s just a cute white girl that’s pretty nerdy. We joked around a bit and I told her I would text her and we were going to be best friends. Braden saw some of it go down and he was like “wow, good job.” Like I’ve flirted with girls that have come in before but this was the first time I really trying to get at her. That was on a Saturday and I emailed her my usual conformation email but with added personal things. She replied back and it gave me butterflies. Actually, just thinking about the first time we met gives me butterflies. I text her on Monday telling her about getting her service turned on and she replied back with a “Finally!” and oh man my heart fluttered. It’s been a while since I’ve felt like this with a girl .The real last time was with her but I guess everyone except for me knew she just wanted attention so I finally had to fall back because I was just putting in all that time on something that wasn’t going to happen. Anyways, so we text back and forth and it’s kind of dry. Like I don’t know if she isn’t into texting but she usually takes forever to reply and it’s hard to keep the conversation going. I figure out she’s into anime and stuff so we find common ground in that. I threw out senpai forgive me and she liked that and probably got the first “lol” out of her. I remember we were texting pretty much throughout the whole 4th of July. I really wanted to see her but I was being a bitch and should have just went to the fort with her but I was hanging out with my family that didn’t care if I was there or not and with Steve and Kai since he was back from Arizona for like a day. So we keep texting and she tells me about a spot she likes going to called Quarterworld. It’s like Ground Kontrol/Wunderland. She said she likes to go alone and drink while she’s there. I poke and prod saying we should go but she says it’s her tradition to go alone and I don’t know if she’s being serious or not but for some reason I keep bringing it up and I don’t know if she wants me to leave it alone. Anyways we finally end up hanging out. We drive to Uwajimaya and just browse all the aisles and small talk about everything. I geek out a little on the gundams they have there but don’t buy any because I don’t want her to think I’m a super nerd and I don’t have the room on my shelf. We end up eating at that Korean spot Tony likes and the whole time from me picking her up and to the restaurant, she’s doing all of the talking. I saw some stuff here and there but I was just over thinking everything and was too nervous to talk. Thankfully, she was ok with talking and I honestly could just listen to her talk about anything. She told me stories of her old roommates and her old job and how crazy it made her. How she was drinking herself to sleep to cope with the stress from work. She told me about how she has a wedding she wants to go to in November but her significant ex’s will be there and it would be kind of weird because she told them to leave her and get with a different girl that was better and they ended up breaking up with her and doing so. That made me feel kind of weird. Also, how her old roommate that was schizophrenic called her the time lord because all the guys in the place had a crush on her and how she was controlling all of them because she knew that. That made me feel pretty weird too. Like is she the type of person to do that kind of thing? So we end dinner and I take her home. I couldn’t figure out if we were on a date or just hanging out but it was the ladder. On the way back she notices that I haven’t talked as much and tries making an effort to engage me in conversation but I’m still fucking nervous and I talk about my family and visiting Papa but it all comes in blurts. I drop her off and the whole time she was talking during dinner I was looking at her face and realizing how fucking attractive and pretty she really is. I pull up to her spot and she was like no one’s ever paid for me before and I was taken back like really? And she hops out to get her stuff out of the back seat and I was just looking back at her like well I guess no good night kiss so this definitely wasn’t a date.

Since then we’ve just been texting and I’ve been the one texting her first every day. I seriously cannot tell if she just wants to be friends or wants to see where this is going. Like I’m trying to hang out with her but she’s told me twice she’s blown her entertainment funds for the week which I don’t know is an excuse or she is really budgeting to the penny. Either way it’s been fucking with my head. All this anxiety and depression I feel is stemming from me being attracted and into her but not really receiving the same feelings back. Like with her even though it wasn’t going anywhere. She responded back with engaging conversations and told me good night, tagged me in memes, snapped each other and told me good night. With this new girl I don’t get any of that so I don’t know if I’m doing something wrong or she doesn’t care. It’s seriously fucking with my emotions. Like I am really into her and I don’t know what to do. There’s so much uncertainty around her and it just makes me internalize everything. Like would she show more interest if I was better looking? If was taller? If I weren’t fat? Am I boring? I’m over thinking it but I am having a lot of inadequacy issues. Like I’ll text her and sometimes she’ll reply right away and other times like hours later. I’m finding myself over thinking it a lot and getting all in my feelings. Like I just want to be loved and I feel like a deserve it. Her coupled with all the other shit going on has been giving me such bad anxiety and stress and everyone has noticed it. Everyone at work and even mama could tell I was stressed out. I’ll catch myself just feeling super anxious and being caught between what can I do to fix this or lie in fetal position. I haven’t had an appetite for a while because I’ve been stressed and when I think about it I don’t want to get fat because maybe she’ll like me more. These last couple days where I try to hit her up to no response I’ll find myself just thinking so much and getting depressed. The other night I needed to do something to get my mind off of it so I went to Quarterworld by myself and felt pretty good. I played a shit ton of marvel vs capcom and ate at the baowser next door after. It’s funny cause I texted her earlier that day with no response until hours later when I was Quarterworld by myself. Then I did the same shit the other day where I ended up by OHSU by a park and ended up walking Tilikum crossing and guess what? She finally replied to a text hours later. Like I texted her at noon then around 8 saying I wanted to hang out again and she said oops I fell asleep and I wanted to get ramen or do something cool and I took an hour to reply just cause I was walking around on the bridge and couldn’t think of anything to say. I respond like 40 min later and no response. I text her today 3 times and different times and no response until hours later saying she couldn’t because she blew her entertainment funds like night. So I asked her what she ended up doing and she was like refilling contact lenses. Like cool, you spend your entertainment money on contacts. I don’t know what to believe. I don’t know if my persistence is going against me or if she is just actually a bad texter. I seriously don’t know what to do. Should I keep trying to pursue her or is it a lost cause. I really want to get to know her and see where we can take things but I can’t force her to like me. This uncertainty just sucks and the feeling of being inadequate and unwanted is floating over me like a dark cloud. I wish the communication was better so I could figure out if this is a lost cause. I don’t care if she doesn’t have an entertainment budget I can pay for her. It’s not like I can be a sugar daddy but I feel like I could treat her well. Also, being my age and still feeling all these things fucking suck too, I don’t want to be old and alone.  

Well hopefully I’ll write more in here. I’ve had a lot of thoughts and feelings I’ve had to get off my chest. But if I don’t things will have worked out and I’ll be dating and if I do things won’t have worked out and I’ll be venting more. Peace out girl scout.