#I think I’m hypomanic
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Uh oh
#I think I’m hypomanic#praying this doesn’t turn into full blown mania#the last few days I’ve barely slept#I’ve been spending recklessly#I’ve been laughing and singing to anyone who will listen#I’ve been either super happy or super irritable#I have a lot of motivation to do things#I just took my sleep meds so I’m hoping my dopamine riddled brain will calm down and let me sleep#bipolar tag
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What if… instead of working today I went and got a bunch of new piercings.
#I haven’t gotten one in a while cause im running out of room lol#and I can’t have facial piercings at work (although like…what are they gonna do? fire me lmao)#I really shouldn’t tho. I’m hemorrhaging money and I still think my meds are making me hypomanic
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want to stop taking my antipsychotics so bad lmao
#i need a hypomanic episode#that’s the only time i have the energy & confidence to make any meaningful changes to my life#(i’m not gonna stop taking my meds. i will think abt it every day tho.)#izzy.txt
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anyone else ever get in those silly goofy moods where u just hate urself sooo much that u instantly feel physically almost violently ill just thinking abt urself and also even tho u worked a 12hr shift w no breaks or water running off of the 2 cups of coffee u had for breakfast 20 hours ago, the thought of eating instantly sends bouts of nausea coursing thru ur soul while churning in ur stomach bc ur brain hates u so much that its convinced ur body that u don’t deserve sustenance or anything else that’s life sustaining or promotes ur physical well being because u subconsciously convinced urself that ur such a shit excuse for a human being that u neither deserve nor have any right to anything regarding maslow’s hierarchy of needs bc u r such an awful thing u deserve to be neglected n treated like the nonliving object ur own brain sees ur living body as or am i just mentally ill lol
#laying in bed everytime i think abt myself i feel literally nauseated n like it’s so weird#this feeling comes in waves intermittently just even .01 sec of ‘hm i’m hungry’ FFFFFNOPE HRRGRHFFF VOMITTY#i want to curl up in a ball and die forever i don’t care about me i don’t want to take care of me anymore i’m not even good at it#whyyyyyyyy did i stop taking my meddsssssss i guarantee y’all this is why i’m being such a crybaby on the dash lmaoooo#i have a headache i’m def dehydrated from crying n sniveling n barely drinking any water today while sweating like a mf at work#imma go to bed 🛌 if i don’t wake up i will be soooo pleasantly surprised y’all have no idea FINGERS CROSSED🤞#real talk tho can someone tell me why my body is literally reacting this way for like no real reason#like am i truly that disgusted with myself i make myself nauseous just thinking abt me#ok yeah the answer is yes lol BUT LIKE WHY THATS SUCH A DRAMATIC BODILY RESPONSE TO MY BRAINS DUMBASS THOUGHTS???#ik the body and mind have a super powerful link n the brain influences the body like crazy but like#why this why does my brain literally want me to berate and degrade myself and isolate me and make me cry alone n starve me that’s so mean#i’m not starving btw i’m literally always eating just these past 2 days i’ve been such a fuckup my body won’t let me do anything#i had a chocolate poptart for dinner last night (thurs) n threw myself to bed#i hope i don’t end up hurting myself that would be so lame#i literally don’t have time for that like i am Not doing wound care duty off the clock for my damn self lol#also don’t want to take care of myself so i wouldn’t bandage myself up properly sooo yeah i’m not gonna do anything actually#cleaning ur wounds r super important ok yall ur literally playing god if u don’t do good aftercare snfjfbdj#i can’t believe i’m in this nasty ugly depressive episode i hate this so much i don’t have time for this i hate this cycle#i hate being bipolar 2 n my moods n meds have been so fkcdd up lately that i don’t even have the rlly fun hypomanic episodes anymore#i’ve just been constantly having mixed episodes im unbearable to be around im so sorry for everyone that’s ever spoken to me im insufferable#ok that’s enough im done being dramatic lmao#im gonna give myself a bolus PRN dose of clonnie then i’m going tf to bed#ramblings#shut up cianna
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ok review is that i think i’m getting more agitated and less euphoric. also still following some strange to say the least thinking patterns but it’s not that bad
#i hesitate to call it psychotic bc like idk it’s not that bad and i’m not hallucinating#but like verging on delusions i think#anyways this is fun bc my mania doesn’t usually have psychotic features. or i guess more accurately i am more often hypomanic rather than#full blown manic
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hello nasty, where you been?
#vent#first week of classes in the books !!#very proud of myself#im rly motivated#don’t know how long that’ll last#i think i’m in a mixed episode rn#lmao#oh well#the bouts of hypomanic help me accomplish things#as long as i can keep the timing right#all should be well#actually bipolar
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the hypomania is over now btw
#at least i think so#i feel sleepy & chill now#and regret everything i’ve said#but also if someone can’t handle my hypomanic episodes where all i wanna do is talk to them abt things i’m passionate about#or actually if they can’t embrace and adore that part of me#then tbh they’re not it for me#i need ppl in my life who encourage my rambling
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I am joy. I am hate. I am jealousy. I am sorrow.
it hurts to be all these things sometimes.
I just want to be happy.
I don’t want to face these toxic, angerly feelings any longer.
I’m just so tired.
so stressed.
I want to be able to smile for longer than a moment.
#tw vent#personal vent#vent post#dark thoughts#I’ve been miserable for weeks now but I never have to motivation to write my emotions down.#I’m actually thinking about making posts everyday about my mental health status and all the nasty thoughts inside of them#sounds about right#I suppose we will see where this all takes us#I think I was mildly hypomanic earlier the night (of perhaps I was genuinely happy idk)#Ah these cycles really take me out
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I think somethings rlly fucking wrong with me
#I smoke weed and it triggers a paranoia episode I smoke weed and it triggers wtf I’m in now or maybe it’s just the caffeine combined with#the lack of sleep I only slept 2 hours last night I couldn’t sleep but then I was in a super weird mood all of yesterday which was the day#after the weed so maybe it was that or maybe not or maybe it’s just cause I was on weed for so long that my Brian’s a little fucked up abou#it or maybe it’s my body craving more weed in the way caffeine addicts crave more coffee bc it’s a similar level of addiction except weed#makes you more high and I am buzzing I am shaking while holding perfectly still I came up with a weirdass fuckign plan I thought was genius#and was so fuckign pissed off for a minute there in a way I don’t usually get where I’m not murderous but I’m not thinking clearly either#and actually it was green while anger is usually red or orange (ik it’s basic fuck off) but yeah it’s probably just the caffeine it’s prob#just the caffeine rn#but what about all the other times I keep fuckign getting like this am I in a mental health slump or am I chronically depressed and was the#past month or so a hypomanic episode or am I just grabbing onto things the way I do#I’d talk to my therapist about it but she’s on vacation til September fuck I need to talk to her I can’t sort all this out#I can’t tell if the brain fog is making it worse or better bc I can’t work through my thoughts but I also can’t spiral as efficiently#I keep thinking and feeling these great grand things about myself I’m a beautiful person everyone is lucky to have me I have the best ideas#and no one else can see it bc I know better than everyone else but they all feel so hollow and it’s just the last two days or maybe just#today I can’t remember I can’t remember a lot of things but was it the weed? what’s happening to me whats always coming back to happen to m#vent
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feeing untethered. idk i’d appreciate some like grounding messages in my inbox, whatever y’all think that looks like
#the word of chuck#i think i’m hypomanic tbh#mental illness monday#<- second time ever using that tag on an actual monday
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hello august my last month of not being bipolar
#bipolar irl#hereitcomes.jpg#boy that light changes really makes it happen#I do think I might be mildly hypomanic right now but I’m not sure#I guess it would make sense since every year in the second week of September I crash hard
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#hypomanic episode still isn’t subsiding and I teach tomorrow#my brain is on fire and all I wanna do is get drunk and watch fnaf YouTube playthroughs#man I wish I could actually have summers off#I don’t think I’m actually able to work anymore
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Why do I have like I feel like I have rapid cycling cyclothymia but it’s REALLY rapid and my lows are too severe? Or like bipolar ii breaking out of its lithium shell but REALLY REALLY REALLY rapid cycling like too rapid??? Tag consensus (me talking to myself) it’s probably the (C & regular) PTSD lol
#it’s like espeically recently so it’s probably bc I started doing more trauma work or smth#or bc of anxiety or my routine beinf weird idk there’s so much#that’s the only physical explanation I can think of#it’s so annoying like caffeine or no caffeine doesn’t seem to have much effect#I thought it might be a blood sugar thinf (bc I also have nerve issues) but that’s level#I have had isolated incidents of blood sugar spikes bc of [toxins] and I think it feels familiar but like I can’t remember#also would take way longer to progress to the point that it would cause the nerve stuff#*me describing a medical experience of my own with very little knowledge lol#plus that’s like 99.9% probably just from abusing my fucked up spine lately ahdbdnnsndm#I’m just bzzzzzzzzzzzzz aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa#feels like when I’ve had hypomanic episodes b4 I started the med that helped w that but it’s so fast like multiple shifts/swings per day#and like I said the depression is more severe#so maybe it’s like cyclothymia but I just also have depression obvs but it came back particularly bc of triggers maybe idk#I’m also like mildly dissociative most of the time sometimes more so so idk it’s so hard to keep track#I fucking left my door unlocked yesterday bc I was so unfocused I’m so mad at myself#sorry this is so annoying I’m just trying to work it out and y’all have to bear witness ahdhsdnndndndkdjdm#I’m like no filter I’m too bzzzzzzz lol#personal /#jus talkin#probs yeah probs just my sympathetic nervous system constantly running until it crashes and then running again and cycle
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A little over a year ago I went through the wildest hypomanic episode where I just drew a lot of ummm suggestive artwork of my old fart ass ocs and I don’t look back. Ever. But seriously the amount of art I made in 72 hours alone makes me fucking crazy like what was going on with me how much dopamine was my body producing Jesus Christ
#this is about emery#it’s always about emery.#I’ve been insane about emery for three nearing four years#longest character obsession of my life#it’s not my fault they’re so bad#majvhaabKkskekrkwkahquejwaoqhwuqosneoqbsjqjswisjejqosj#THE THINGS I WOULD DO#rated r for raunchy#Valerieisms#emery#thinking awful awful things#ignore this#I’m going crazy#literally day 2 no seroquel I’m going bananas#I can FEEL the hypomanic episode entering my brain#it’s more normal and I’m not doing stupid things but I might buy a laptop out of nowhere.#maybe it isn’t normal#I want emery so bad guys
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youtube
#gorrilaz#autumnbellradio#fuck i think i’m hypomanic#can’t remember#the last time this happened#like maybe for three days last summer when they fucked with my meds#idk where this is coming from#don’t like it#doesn’t feel familiar#😳😳😳😳😳#bipolar type 2
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okay so based on what the fuck Ive been doing the past 12 hours or so and the fact that it’s now 6am pretty sure a hypomanic episode has come on which. I can’t tell if that will potentially be beneficial or detrimental to getting finals work done overall. I guess we’ll just. wait and see
#if it is a hypomanic episode and I barely get any sleep and still feel decently rested when I wake up I will be thankful#if I wake up as miserable as usual or worse then I guess I’m fucked#kibumblabs#it’s been. uh#I’ve just#I’ve been doing a lot of shit the last few hours that. now that I’m sitting in one place and actually thinking#I’m like#boy. why the hell did I try to do all of that#it’s a little spooky how reminiscent it is of my mom’s behavior shcjedjcjskfk she ALSO does this shit in the wake of an important event or#test or what have you or just. triggered by stress in general you get it#goes on cleaning sprees and doesn’t sleep until morning that sort of thing#it’s so fucking weird that I’ve grown up to inherit that very specific behavior#it’s almost 6am and I had to like stop and tell myself that no it is Not a good idea fo vacuum right now#god whatever’s wrong with me my brain is just. So broken#wait a fucking second didn’t this happen last semester too#h. hm. I can’t tell if I’m making up memories right now or not I need to fucking sleep
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