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purplecritter · 1 year

Text

theories/thoughts/analysis about touchstarved after playing the demo a few times

Under the cut because it got long (I exceeded the post character limit...) Also spoilers btw. PS: All the links are to posts on the official social media accounts or their kickstarter, with the exception of the animated trailer screenshots that I got from here.

(Happy one month since demo dropped!)

Mhin

I'm starting with them because I play favorites.

Mhin's silhouette [1, 2] in the animated trailer [screenshot] highlights the crying eye (guilt? pain? blood? Their pupils almost seem to glow red, I wonder if it's connected) and the beak (in a way that reminds me of the skull of a bird rather than a live one).

The red choice connected to them is about asking if they're a scientist: their precision is almost surgical, though when asked if they've studied anatomy or medicine their reply is “Not quite” so it must be something similar enough.

When Vere complains about their first encounter with Mhin, he mentions that their dagger (visible in their in-game art) is an antique. Perhaps they inherited it, maybe from a mentor? It’s a curious choice of weapon for a hunter: stilettos (it’s described as such in the demo) aren’t ineffective in battle (especially if wielded by a physically strong fighter, which they absolutely are), but they are favored by assassins because they’re easy to conceal, they strike precisely and deeply but without letting much blood leak from the needle-thin wound.

As far as design goes, the clasps on their hood looks like a mix between the quaternary celtic knot and the triquetra / trinity knot. Symbolically, the latter is associated to the Triple Goddess (more on this in Leander’s section) or three elements, while the former represents the four elements or the four seasons or the four cardinal directions, and is often used as a symbol of protection.

Their fatal flaw is that they “resist change at all costs”. I'm led to believe that they became a Monster instead of being born one. I think it either happened not that long ago or they lost control over it recently, and that's what spurred them on their search for a cure. Them being described as “outcast” also makes me think that they could have been exiled from wherever they came from, perhaps because the people found out that “a monster hides within their frame”.

When questioning them about Ais, they say “I'm not going to risk my life in the hopes that any of them is different” which shows that they’re distancing themself from their situation (i.e., being/becoming a Monster).

Their hate towards Monsters could be either a projection of the hate they feel towards themself (if they were aware that there was a Monster inside of them before they lost control and hurt someone, for example) or just because one took over them and by extension they hate every Monster because of it. If the “lost control and hurt someone” thing is true I'll also add that they might be working as a Hunter as a way to try and atone. It could also be a way to expel the more violent instincts (I’m assuming they have some) into something productive.

The “they're afraid of being hurt. Or worse” on their relationship chart with Kuras feels to me like they're afraid of hurting him, also because when you ask them how they get along with him during the demo, they say “Few people are willing to help others; fewer when there's any risk involved” and I'm choosing to interpret that they think of themself as the risk. I know I'm really pushing it on this aspect but the “If you stay too close to me, you'll get hurt”+“Find someone safer to ask for help” only fuels me more. Their monstrous form also looks less defined and more liquid compared to the others, maybe because it's not as developed so it doesn't look as solid?

Vere is also said to be often provoking Mhin in order to make them lose control: he's confident in himself enough to think that he'd have the upper hand in a fight with Monster!Mhin, probably because they're a skilled hunter but they don't have that much experience over their monstrous side. Mhin dislikes Vere because he’s “the embodiment of everything [they] hate about Monsters”: while Mhin holds back from their nature and seeks a cure, Vere wants to give in to his instincts without restraints.

In the demo, they get defensive when questioned about the Senobium, but when they say “Whatever you're looking for, the cost may be higher than what you're willing to pay” I think they're speaking from experience.

It's interesting that it's implied that they slept with Leander once. Judging by the comment about the Wet Wick being the “perfect combination for making mistakes”, they're not enthusiastic about it. I’m guessing that they don't like that Leander has seen them with their guard down? Or they

Unless I missed something, it's unknown where in Eridia they're staying. I'll say it's probably in a different direction from the Wet Wick since they make a point of saying that they're only going there to protect Kuras (instead of, for example, “I live nearby anyways so I'll take the same road”).

The flowers in their pin design look similar to cornus kousa, or some other type of dogwood, symbolizing hope, resilience, renewal (I also found: rebirth, new life, strength, regret). After a long and grueling winter, Eridia greets the first dogwood blossoms with relief. These flowers are known to cling tenaciously to life even in the worst conditions, from barren wastelands to ruins perpetually shrouded in Fogfall… Really poetic meaning! I imagine Mhin as the dogwood flower, persisting even after the Tragic Backstory that made them lonely (“barren wastelands”) and their Monster Form (“shrouded in fogfall”)

Leander

Leander's silhouette [1, 2] in the animated trailer [screenshot] highlights only his eyes (they share the color of his magic -> maybe it's how he uses magic that contributes to him being “monstrous”?).

Nothing to note about his red choice except that it is unlocked by generally following his lead (taking the flower when he offers it, touching him without hesitation).

Speaking of his magic, an Alchemist MC notes that it extraordinarily powerful, enough that he doesn't need incantations or spell circles to cast it. Kuras mentioned that Leander prefers the company of those similar to him and that the Bloodhounds are mostly people who've endured the hardships of Lowtown, so I can't help but wonder if Leander was always a natural at magic, or if he did receive training but was later cast out, or maybe he left by choice?

A recurrent symbol in Leander's design is the triangle, as a detail mostly (on his coat, boots, dangling from his belt), but there's also one that looks like the alchemical symbol for earth (🜃) attached to the brooch on his chest; another symbol for earth is, you guessed it, the serpent, whose other meaning is duplicitous nature as well as renewal and rebirth. This connects to the ouroboros (present in his earring as well as in the background of the sticker and charm kickstarter rewards), symbolizing the cycle of death and rebirth and with relevance in alchemy as the “all in one”. The same theme is also present in the symbol of the triple moon (on his belt) symbolizing the stages of birth life and death and more in general three aspects united in one; the white lilies symbolizing renewal, regrowth, rebirth. The green feels fitting too, since it's often used to symbolize health and abundance.

Alongside the little triangle shape, attached to his belt there are a key (which is not the room key he gave MC), the head of which reminds me of two snakes knotted together; there's also a... I have no clue what that glowing red globe-spike is actually. It's the only other red item (along with the gem on the earring sword hilt) on Leander, but in some of the concept art it was green instead, so I think it's at least somewhat connected to his magic or the source of it. The shape of it combined with the red glow reminds me of Eridia’s towers’ architecture but that’s probably a stretch. I also feel like the symbol on the central part of the triple moon belt buckle is relevant: it immediately reminded me of a spell circle, and after doing some digging in sacred geometry, I’ve found that its 6 petal-like shapes (lilies also have 6 petals...) look similar to the hexafoil, “germ of life”, or the central part of the “seed of life”, which is connected to the divine creation of the world in 7 days/phases; a series of interconnected hexafoils make the “flower of life”, the meaning of which is creation (both in general and of the universe itself), and that everything’s interconnected to everything else... I couldn’t help but think of the “As above, so below” tagline in the Bloodhounds' poster; the sentence has so many interpretations in alchemy/esotericism but the gist of it is, “things in the higher realms of existence are just like in the lower/earthly plane” and “what happens in a large scale also happens in a small scale” and “common material things can make pure spiritual things”.

Overall, I'm thinking that all the green-glowing details on his outfit might be arcane foci, to help him cast magic without using incantations. As of right now, I’m willing to bet that Leander's connected to the Allmother (the traveler in the cart prayed to her) and/or the Abbess (the leader of the Senobium, I think): many of the aforementioned symbols also have ties to femininity and/or feminine qualities.

Other big things in his design are the eyebags and scar that goes from the cheek to the arm. I don’t have much to say on those, probably the scar is going to be connected to some important backstory event and the eyebags are a clue to suggest that there’s something troubling behind the bright and positive persona that he presents as.

If we want to take the name literally (I do), we could assume that Leander and his Bloodhounds are not simply a group of mercenaries, but mercenaries with a cause. Hounds are a breed specifically intended to track something specific (or someone specific) by scent. Given the animosity shown by them at the mere mention of the Senobium, it could have something to do with that, but perhaps it's also something more personal to Leander.

Let's get to the biggest red flag of the green-themed man: “Fatal flaw: [REDACTED]” and “Not all Monsters are inhuman”. There's also the fact that Vere doesn't trust his behaviour (I'll get to it in his section but I would generally trust Vere's words to be truthful). It’s also worth noting that in the first scene he makes an appearance in, he’s presented almost as a performer, a subtle-not-so-subtle hint that he can work his audience really skillfully. Overall, he seems too good to be true, and to quote Leander himself in the demo, “Things that seem too good to be true are often just that.” I don't think he's malevolent per se, but I also believe he's a very good liar (or at least, good at keeping his cards close to his pillowy bosom chest) and he can be a lot more ruthless than he lets on.

I already said it in Mhin's section but it's implied that the two of them slept together once, and I can't help but wonder if Leander also tried the whole "let me touch you so I can see what curses you but also you can tie me down if you want wink wink" tactic with them.

I get the feeling that he also slept with Ais? “He sure likes it when others take control”+“He's not so bad once you get to know him”. The bartender didn't joke about the room being used often huh (i’m saying this lighthearted and teasingly, nothing against it lol).

He's obviously staying at the Wet Wick with the rest of the Bloodhounds, and it happens often enough that the bartender/owner is familiar with their habits. I wonder if he also as a house of his own or not.

The flowers (in-game art, animated trailer, pin design, charm and sticker design) are white lilies, symbolizing devotion, sympathy and faith (I also found: renewal/rebirth/reregrowth and purity. Nothing says “I love you” as clearly as white lilies—ironic, since they’re some of the region’s most poisonous flowers. Some mages believe that these lilies contain a mysterious magic, but attempts to harness this power have only resulted in lethal poisonings. A not-so-veiled warning to be careful of what lies behind Leander’s charming facade... And considering that he seems to like when MC defers to him, I could imagine the (metaphorical... unless?) lethal poisoning in a possible bad end!

Kuras

Kuras' silhouette [1, 2] in the animated trailer [screenshot] highlights the several eyes (truth and secrets being very important themes in his route, he's also described as “observer”) and his tears (his guilt).

No red choice for Kuras, but there is various flavour text depending on choices. First and most notably, the Unnamed MC notes that something about him feels familiar: this could simply be a hint about him being divine in nature, or it might mean something more, I'm still uncertain. Moreover, depending on dialogue, one of his scenes towards the end of the demo plays out slightly differently, and it shows the more playful side of him (which I absolutely didn’t expect, but I enjoyed that).

As far as appearance goes, his human form and his divine form have many similarities: this post does a very good job of showing them, but additionally I'll say that his halo (silhouette, charm and sticker design) reminds me of the shape of his earrings.

There are a few lines that imply that being in Kuras' vicinity feels physically warmer. It could be just a standard “MC likes him so being near makes them feel all warm and fuzzy” but I think it's more to do with his angelic nature having a comforting effect on people. Something that could be connected to that is the theme of fire (“eldritch flames”, also visible in the charm and sticker design), which symbolically is the element that purifies souls and reveals the truth.

His clinic seems very neat, for someone who works with numerous patients for the whole day. Moreover, his clothes stay unnaturally devoid of any sign of dirt. His appearance is also very curated, so I think that part of it is him being thorough about cleaning and part of it might be a consequence of his magic. Additionally, during the 16/04/23 Q&A stream with the devs (timestamp: 49:32), they (jokingly) said that Kuras doesn’t even put his hair up while performing surgeries, which to me also means that he doesn’t need to do it because he’s supernaturally clean and hygienic.

There's no clear mention of him having magic in the first place, but I don't think he could've completely reattached MC's arm so flawlessly any other way.

I wouldn't think much of it if it were any other character but Kuras' birthday being January 1st makes me think that he picked the date on purpose... or randomly, considering it doesn’t seem to be important to him.

During the 16/04/23 Q&A stream with the devs (timestamp: 41:24), it was noted that Kuras’ name was deliberately chosen, I think implying that it probably has a meaning behind it, though I can’t say what as of now (my search only revealed that kurash is a type of wrestling in Central Asia, and that there’s a deity called Kura in a region of Syria).

I think it's a known fact in Eridia that Kuras is not simply human (“Only the most desperate or the foolish would dare lay a hand on me”), so it's interesting that he chose to not disclose that to the MC. Granted, they've interacted for less than a day now and information is the currency. I also wonder if he’s always been a doctor or if he chose to become one at a certain point... I guess it would depend: is he “repentant” for something he did before settling in Eridia, or after?

Ais also thinks that Kuras used to be more outgoing but the reason he doesn’t really open up a lot to people anymore is because he “must’ve been burned”, which is an interesting insight. I lean more towards thinking that he’s been burned after becoming a resident in Eridia.

There's nothing that strikes me as peculiar regarding his relationships with the other characters,with two exceptions. Kuras' self-inflicted exile is centuries old, and combined with the fact that he (occasionally and begrudgingly?) works with the Senobium, it might be plenty of reason for Vere to hate him. I think that Kuras might've witnessed how he came to be captured (or actively took part in it), and that event is what feeds his mistrust towards Vere. Secondly, it’s said that he “looks forward to Ais helping around his clinic”: does Ais use the Seaspring’s healing powers on some patients (“I help him in the clinic sometimes”)? I wonder if the smokey scent when the MC wakes in Kuras’ clinic was because he’d been there recently.

He lives in one of the more populated areas, probably because 1) more easy for patients to reach him and 2) he likes meeting people.

The flowers in his pin design look like magnolias, symbolizing longevity, grace, divinity (I also found: eternity, perseverance, purity). The elegant magnolia’s therapeutic properties are vital in such a dangerous world. The Senobium cultivates a small magnolia grove, though few make it past the imposing gates to enjoy the rejuvenating blossoms… Of course the medicinal aspect reflects Kuras well. And there’s the connection to him being employed in some form by the Senobium too, the gates could definitely be a metaphor for how he keeps the true extent of his powers at bay

Ais

Ais' silhouette [1, 2] in the animated trailer [screenshot] highlights his tattoo (Ocudeus' tentacles) and his eyes (the Groupmind's effect).

If MC’s been talking defiantly to him throughout the demo, the red choice connected to Ais also consists of rebelling to him, which he clearly enjoys (he’s said to dislike easy fights, so that’s probably it).

An Unnamed MC will note that Ocudeus’s presence/calling in the Seaspring feels familiar, and that his tattoo feels unnatural and it seems to move when they’re not looking... I’ll say that the tattoo isn’t a regular one, and might be the physical manifestation of the metaphorical mark that the bond with Ocudeus left on Ais. This also explains why in the silhouette of his monstrous form the tentacle tattoo is extended beyond what it normally looks like (it reaches his face, and over half of his chest).

The very prominent eye theme (charm and sticker design, Ocudeus possibly meaning “eye god” if it’s latin) and feeling of being watched (+“Got eyes in the back of my head”), plus the fact that the red-eyed woman knew what MC was seeking as well as their name, makes me believe that Ocudeus' area of influence is very extensive. As a consequence of the Groupmind, it's likely that apart from sharing thoughts (and identity?) those connected also share what they see to Ocudeus/Ais.

The notes left on the pillars are interesting. The topmost and middle one I feel are more useful to the player and serve as casual worldbuilding, but the bottommost one is the most curious imo: decoding the scrawling results in “never wish on a shooting star he's always listening”. Initially I thought that the “he” referred to Ocudeus, but it doesn't feel correct (Ocudeus always watches, it doesn't listen).

During the 16/04/23 Q&A stream with the devs (timestamp: 36:32), Ais was said to be the first character that they created, and the rest of the cast was built around him for cohesiveness. This is interesting to me, as from the demo I thought that “central” role would fit Leander more.

Speaking of Leander, both of them have a like/dislike relationship with each other (Leander because “the assassination attempts are funny, until they’re not” and Ais because he “won’t hesitate to put Leander in his place when the time comes”). Leander seems to be uncomfortable about the effects that the Seaspring has on people, while Ais talks about “a time where Leander's resolve will be tested, same for anyone in this plane or the next”... I wonder how soon that time is going to be 👀. I already noted this in Leander’s section but I think they also slept together at one point or another.

Same topic, different character: Vere. It’s cute that they’re so fond of each other [1, 2], and I’m very curious to know how they met. They probably bonded because of compatible personalities, but I also think that they like each other because they’re both dangerous, and being with someone who is also as dangerous feels... Fitting, safe, maybe?

The fact that he's “not as in control of his powers as he thought” is also interesting to me, since his nonchalance doesn't seem to be because he's lazy but because he's extremely confident. Perhaps he got too sure of himself and lost sight of the risks?

Ais is described as “renegade”, which by definition is someone who betrays a principle/alliance. I have no doubt that this is connected to the reason why he's a “gang leader without the gang members”, and probably to how he came to bond with Ocudeus. Because he's also said to dislike isolation, I lean more towards saying that he didn't willingly let his (former?) members go, my theory is either they left on their own (perhaps they were scared of Ocudeus, or they didn't approve of it) or he accidentally disposed of them (either because he wasn't in control of Ocudeus / the Soulless, or because Ocudeus felt hungry and they were conveniently nearby). Either way, it must have hurt him, since he's not at all willing to talk about it beyond “Gang took a walk”.

I’m very curious about Mhin saying “Monsters like [Ais] don't know or care about what they have”... What does (did?) Ais have? Could it be in reference to him letting his former gang/companions go away in favor of siding with Ocudeus and/or the Seaspring?

He lives at the Seaspring, though I wonder if he sleeps in a pile near those cushions, cuddling the Soulless, or if he has more personal quarters further in. There's a cave entrance visible on the other side of the bloody water, but that feels more for Ocudeus rather than Ais himself.

The flowers in his pin design are spider lilies, symbolizing mourning, goodbyes, lost memories (I also found: death, abandonment, new beginnings). Eerily beautiful, red spider lilies bear the sorrow of loss and farewells. Eridians believe these flowers shepherd lost spirits into the afterlife. The city has seen a sudden increase in these unearthly flowers, leaving many puzzled about their meaning… Very fitting with Ocudeus’ domain of losing memories and thus, beginning a new life! I’m not sure if we should be taking the increase in flowers literally, or just metaphorically as there’s many in the Groupmind

Vere

Vere's silhouette [1, 2] in the animated trailer [screenshot] highlights the eyes again (“windows to the soul” and all that), his fangs (him being the most openly aggressive) and the collar and chains (the thing that binds him to the Senobium's will).

I haven’t been able to not get his red choice [edit: “hidden ending”, not a red choice], but from my understanding of what others have said it’s based on how you talk to him and not on your actions. I’d love to say more but since I don’t know exactly influences it, I don’t have much to talk about regarding that🥹

“Not quite human, not quite monster. Seems we’re both--” I wonder if he was about to finish the sentence with ‘cursed’?

He has unique dialogue for each of MC’s backstories: to an Alchemist he says “The misery born of your mistreatment haunts you. I understand what it’s like to be used and thrown away. I’ll give your life new meaning”; to an Unnamed “You poor thing, misled by those you trusted most. You caused so much suffering unknowingly. I know that pain. I can help you forget it all”; to a Hound “The betrayal, the loss of hope, the sheer desperation that drives you still to search and search to no end. I could give you something new to live for”. Apart from showing that he knows stuff he’s not supposed to, I’m more interested about what he says to Alchemist and Hound: he knows the pain of causing suffering unknowingly, and he knows what it’s like to be used and then discarded. His powers seems to be seeing through people, I’d say almost mind-reading (“You can’t hide anything from me.”), but I think soul reading is a more fitting definition. I feel that all of the comments related to MC's backstory have more to do with what they experienced/felt than just objective facts, plus the way he says “All that suffering has made your soul so irresistibile...”, it makes me think that he's reading MC’S present and past emotions through their soul.

The most apparent part of his design is that he’s half showing, half hiding. His outfit makes the harness very visible, yet he hid the leash from the MC for as long as possible, and he didn't let them close enough to touch it. His pants are fully cover one side and show skin on the other. The sheer fabrics look very cool on their own but I like to think they're also part of the "half show, half hide" thing he has going on. An Alchemist MC will note that the collar seems to be enchanted, while other backstories will simply say that the lock seems easy enough to open.

In the charms and stickers design, there's his chain in the background, and it's broken. Metaphorically and literally, “breaking free from the chains” symbolizes putting an end to what holds someone captive, but also finding freedom to be oneself. Perhaps I'm reading too much into it, but I think a freed Vere would also feel free to not hide so much of himself. On that note, I'm extremely curious about what he draws on his sketchbook. Also in the charm and stickers design, as well as in the Nintendo Switch port art, is the key that he stole from the MC. It's curious that they included it instead of a more personal object like his sketchbook (present in the Switch port art but not in the stickers), but it might just be a fun nod to the demo or maybe he'll develop a habit of stealing the key again in the full game, so I don't think I should read too much into that.

Neither Vere or Kuras of them gives too many juicy details about their mutual hate towards each other during the demo, but from the additional info [1, 2] published on Tumblr, I think it might have to do with the fact that both of them have been confined in Eridia for centuries, and perhaps Kuras even contributed to the capture of Vere, too.

He’s defined as a “charlatan”, which by definition means “someone who decieves through false claims”. It fits with him saying “If I were you, I wouldn’t trust a word I say” and “Information is a luxury [...] If you valued my words you'd have taken them seriously”. This feels like a recurring theme for Vere: Ais also says, “Vere is one of the most honest people you'll meet. Just don't listen to a single thing he says”. Despite the very obvious predatory/mischievous nature of Vere, I think that he is very honest about the things he says: it’s about reading between the lines.

His very evident distaste towards Leander might be connected to this, seeing that Leander seems to be hiding a lot.

Vere clearly likes Ais, but as soon as MC asks more, he warns them about how dangerous he and the Seaspring are. I think both are true: Ais being “a good person” doesn’t exclude the fact that he is dangerous.

It could be a stretch, but I wonder if Vere lives/stays in the building that he was chained to?

The flowers in his pin design look like some type of lilies, perhaps wood lily are a type of amaryllis that symbolizes passion, allure, pride ( when researching the wood lilies, I also found: danger, determination). Local legends conflict on the origins of the amaryllis. Whether they sprang from the spilt blood of a scorned lover or were born of an ancient Senobian ritual gone awry, the truth behind these flowers is knowledge long forgotten… or held by a privileged few. Like Kuras, his flower mirrors the connection to the Senobium though it remains vague about how exactly they became involved... In the greek myth, Amaryllis consulted an oracle to win the love of the shepherd Alteo: she walked to his house every day, piercing her heart with a golden arrow, and on the 30th day flowers bloomed from her blood. Alteo became enamoured with the maiden and the flowers that bore her name... I wonder how Touchstarved’s version of the myth is different than ours, and which character Vere is more akin to?

Nothing on Sen or Elyon for now since there's too little info on both, but I'm looking forward to putting them under a microscope too 👀

(bangs pots and pans) please share your theories/thoughts if you read this far? 👉👈

#if anyone wants screenshots re: the in-game dialogue that i refer to lmk and i'll provide #full disclosure i wouldn't have thought of kuras birthday if it weren't for sysba in attollo... oh eldritch beings exiled on earth #i wanted to put the link to the q&a twitch stream but unfortunately there's no vod so you'll have to take my word :( sorry #i also hope that the links to the kickstarter images work since at one point before posting this they all broke... lmk in case and i'll edit #anyways can you tell i'm positively obsessed and i'm this close to counting the days until 2025?#i had fun playing and writing this heehe #touchstarved #touchstarved vn #touchstarved game #ais #ais touchstarved #kuras #kuras touchstarved #leander #leander touchstarved #mhin #mhin touchstarved #vere #vere touchstarved #touchstarved analysis #touchstarved theory #touchstarved spoilers #visual novels #vns #long post #ps: i'm not an expert about any of these but i'm most unsure about the flowers... i tried #edit: corrected an imprecision and added links/timestamps to the q&a vod!#my posts

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wyrmsfornerves · 5 months

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Hi! Younger artist here, I just saw your post with all those super cool monster designs and I took a quick stroll through your blog, and I was wondering if you had any specific inspirations for those designs or where you get inspo for character designs in general? Or perhaps some tidbits on how you learned how to make wild designs like that?

Sorry if this is a bit of a big ask, I just think it's really cool and I was curious!

Hello! Thank you for your question and apologies for taking so long to answer, I just got really excited and wanted to be thorough!

My biggest piece of advice is research and develop a visual library of reference material! Your visual library is like a mental database of everything you’ve ever seen in your life, and this is what you can pull from to design concepts.

There are a couple ways to start this as a practice:

Notice what you see! It can be a chair, a sunset, a shoe, the light on a tree, but if you see something you think is beautiful or interesting, mentally make a note of it!

Document what you like! With computers and cameras this is a lot easier to do nowadays, but if you see something interesting to you, document it. You can draw it, or take/save a photo to folder.

Organize it! I highly recommend coming up with a system for referencing back to find things, either through image tags or folders or even a manual filing system.

Pay attention to your personal preferences and experiences. Try to think about what draws you to certain visual elements, identifying them can lead you to more things you like. Also pay attention to what you don’t like and why, it doesn’t necessarily need to be bad or amoral, we all have personal tastes.

Get out of your comfort zone! I recommend trying to see something you’ve never seen before often. Find a new artist, a new genre, research a new type of design movement, go to a new place, etc.

Try to find context for your research! For example, If you really love a specific era of fashion, research that time period and the way historical context informs it. Context can be really important, especially if you are working with references new to you!

Important Note 01: You don’t want to copy or rip-off these things. In my experience the best way to avoid that is to have a lot of reference points for any project and embrace your authentic personal interests, experiences, and identity.

Important Note 02: Like any research, be conscious of primary person vs secondary sources! One is not better than another necessarily, but I find I work my best with a mix of both. I like to start with primary sources and then move to secondary sources, Ie: looking at authentic suits of armor before moving to contemporary armor concept art. You don’t have to do this, it’s just something I find helpful.

Important Note 03: While mostly I’m referring to visual references, audio, music, and writing are also super helpful!

Ok now, how do you curate all that for a project. For those monster illustrations I wanted to explore how color can be horrific. Keywords: Color & Horror. So I start looking through references for things that have the effect I want color wise, vivid and maximalist, and things that I find scary or horrifying. Here are some of the things I knew about or discovered during the research process that had the vibe I wanted.

Notable Influences

Color and Design

Peruvian & Guatemalan Textiles and Traditional Clothing

Spanish Traditional/Folk Clothing

Sammezzano Castle, Italy

Nasir al-Mulk Mosque, Iran

Russian Traditional/Folk Costumes

Fonthill Castle, Pennsylvania

Zhangye National Geopark

Nick Cave - sculpture artist

Lousie Zhang

Magnhild Kennedy - “Damselfrau”

Horror

Catacomb Saints

Capuchin Catacombs of Palermo

Japanese Yokai

Greek & Roman Mythology

Mandrills & Monkeys

Charles Fréger’s Photographs of European Pagan Costuming

Avant Garde Fashion

Alexander McQueen

Vedas by Nicolas Alan Cope and Dustin Edward Arnold

Stephen Jones - Hats

Mummies

Reliquaries

Marina González Eme

Lorenzo Nanni

H.R Giger

Intersections of Color & Horror

Microscopic Imagery

Moths, Beetles & Shrimp

Suspiria (1977)

AJ Fosik

Hungry | Johannes J. Jaruraak

Once you’ve gathered these references in one place (like a moodboard, folder, or Pinterest board) It’s time to pay attention to wear aesthetics intersect, what patterns are coming up, what proportions of color, what textures reoccur, what elements of clothing reoccur, etc.. What relationship do different images have with each other, what emotional effect do they create.

Now that you’ve studied up, it’s time to sketch, try and create things that feel similar to the work you are looking at but not copy it, instead try mixing things together. Experiment! Let your personal style and preferences sink in! Interpret what you’ve learned!

From there, it’s more of a design process, how to use proportion, light, anatomy, perspective, form, repetition, etc, to create the desired effect. Then you refine and refine.

For new or different projects you repeat the process, maybe you use similar points of reference, maybe you go a completely different direction.

Anyway that was long, but I hope it was helpful!

#wyrmchatter #wyrmsfornerves #ask

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miru667 · 1 year

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hi there, miru ! it’s surely been awhile since i’ve visited your blog , and i was always shy to directly interact with you, but this time, i want to say a lot of things, and i hope you’ll find some time to read.

i remember how i stumbled across your account when i was 8 or so, around the time when you just started posting about the lorax and the fandom was growing up. at first, i simply checked your blog out of boredom as a kid since you were the only person i followed here, but later on, i really got interested and often would go back home from school and run to read your new posts, no matter what was it, just because i liked them, and i guess my little mind wanted to explore more about the fandom in general. (: i grew up wishing i was as “cool” as you, and really wanted to talk to you, but guess the unknownness made me nervous enough so i always brushed it off. and no matter how cheesy it sounds ,just going through your blog at least once a day helped me with most of my sad days. you were a huge affect to my childhood, and going through your page again after so long made me feel such a bittersweet nostalgia , i nearly cried catching up with things haha. you were the reason i found out about the lorax in general and joined the fandom , as well as inspired me to try drawing ( i remember using your art as a base when i was 12 ,,, but shhh, let’s keep it a secret (; )

it’s been so long since then, and sometimes it’s hard to believe how much i’ve grown up, as well as you did too. i’ll never forget these days when being a young kid i would try to redraw your onceler fan art , or make a small silly slideshows with your drawings to some goofy songs, LMAO. (i still have them, by the way… eugh. cringeee) and getting to spend my growing up surrounded by such an amazing fandom and amazing people like you has truly built me up as a person, and i couldn’t be more grateful i’ve found out about you back then, because i don’t know who i would be right now if i never did. thank you so much miru, keep going, be happy, and no matter how time passes by , you’ll always be one of my biggest inspirations, and i’ll continue looking up to you. <3

•

now , ending the cheesy paragraph above, i’m a little curious about some things, feel free not to answer them if you’re uncomfortable! i’m not pressuring you.

1 ; i’ll start off with a simple one. how are you doing, how’s life in general? (:

2 ; did you know that your small onceler height headcannon you’ve made back in 2013 is showing up on google as an actual height of his , making a lot of people (especially on tik tok. boy, they’re going feral over that fact…) believe it’s his canon height ? they’re actually saying it’s his actual confirmed height and etc. , so i was always wondering how does it feel to have your headcannon being considered by the whole onceler fandom as canon, haha. :D

3 ; speaking about tik tok, you mentioned you don’t have it at all. why don’t you try to get it, and post your art in there? trust me, a lot of people absolutely adore your work in here and considering the fact onceler fandom is apparently biggering again , that could be a nice idea , since personally i think you’re really underrated and deserve some more recognition (:

4 ; what’s your actual opinion on oncest? because honestly , i remember how people drooled over this ship to death back in 10s, however i was never really fond of it and,, you know what i meaannn, it simply didn’t feel right for me at all. (,: did you immediately start liking it since you have some art about it , and what are your thoughts about it now ?

5 ; how old were you when you joined the whole lorax fandom?

6; you obviously have a lot of good memories with the Onceler fandom , as i do too, but there is also some bad memories for me, and some that i wish i could completely erase from my mind haha. how is it for you? like, were there perhaps some situations that happened to you in the fandom that make you shiver in a pleasedon’tremindme way? i’d love to listen if there is some!

7 ; and , the last one. i literally have been a huge fan of your for awhile now , and i was wondering if you’d ever want to maybe ,, talk, y’know? and become friends , perhaps? ;;;;; i feel like i’m being too pushy atp ,but i’m still a little nervous so i’m sorry if i act weird,, (,: but either way, remember you’re amazing, and i hope you have a good day/night !!

thank you for reading my non-sense to the end, lol. i hope i didn’t take off much time <33

Omg,,,Q_Q?? Thank you for sending this message, I wouldn't have known otherwise that I've made such an impact on someone's life, like...it's truly humbling. You were 8?? 😭 And I was really the only blog you followed?? 😭 Back then I did not think about how others might've been using my blog; I myself had always been the one looking up to others, and here you were all that time looking up to me...I guess it's really magical, the way we don't know who in the world might be thinking about us. I hope you're doing well. Your slideshows are not cringe. Or rather, you were cringe and free, and I think that's wonderful.

For your questions then:

I guess I'm doing okay. I have friends who care about me, and I'm able to support myself with my job, so with those two things alone, I'm already very lucky.

If you mean this post: [link] I didn't make this headcanon! As you can see on the post, tumblr user torikabori made it, and I simply reblogged it. I think there's been a few fandom headcanons that have mistakenly been posted on wikis and tvtropes as canon, and I really wish it didn't happen that way, because I don't like misinformation being spread. I've said this before but if it's not in the Lorax DVD, or in any official interviews, or in any concept art, then it's NOT canon. Do not trust google, wiki, tvtropes, or word of mouth.

I,,, reallllllyyyy don't see myself getting into tiktok ;w; Having to be a slave to algorithms and numbers really turns me off, and I can barely keep up with posting on social media anymore. I've almost completely abandoned my instagram, and I'm half a year behind in posting my art to tumblr haha. So I wouldn't be able to keep up with tiktok anyway. Thank you for thinking I deserve more recognition though! 🥺

I think in the early years of the fandom I drew it because it was popular, but since then I've been more true to myself and I only draw what my heart desires now. So now I can say that I've never shipped oncest, though I've shipped onceler askblogs together before. And I'll always be a fan of 7212, though that's not the classic oncest we're referring to here. But I still support whoever does ship it, I think that's totally cool!

I was a young adult!

You are not alone, so many of us from 2012 have gone through bad times in the fandom at least once. For me specifically, it's been 11 years that I've been here, so do you think I could have avoided every single possible bad situation? ;) I won't be sharing any stories, but the onceler fandom would not be what it is today without both the good AND bad, I guarantee you that.

You can feel free to message me anytime you like! I'm not much of a talker since I'm often busy, and I rarely ever message first, but I'll always be courteous to anyone who messages me. As for friendship, I think it should just happen naturally, if it happens!

#miruask #alicecaaaaat #thank you again for this sweet message!!!#okay wait but what were you doing on tumblr when you were 8 ksdjhgjkd AHHHHHH #i didn't even go on the internet until i was 13 it truly is a different world now #i didn't have any social media until i was 17 or 18 #oncelersapologist

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sebastianshaw · 2 years

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Hey friends! So, you might have seen me remark yesterday that I think the end of the Judgement Day event is a good stopping point for me and Marvel. I had more or less quit reading before JD, but then I felt compelled to keep abreast of it since characters I liked kept being important. With it concluded though, I intend to quit reading or keeping up with what’s going on. I’ll be remaining ignorant to the best of my ability. While I am not quitting this blog, I do intend to spend less time on it. The first reason is that X-Men and Marvel have just ceased being interesting to me. Even my faves no longer engender the level of passion they used to. I knew this day would come. I do not often talk about it here, but I am on the autistic spectrum. X-Men was a hyperfixation for me in middle school. I spent inordinate amounts of time and money to become a walking encyclopedia for every single X-Men character there was at the time, then basically dropped it in high school. I would not return to it until I was a college graduate, around 2012 or 2013 when my interest suddenly resurged at random. In 2014 I set up a fandom blog, then at 2015 my first Marvel RP blog, then in 2016 this blog. That’s six years writing Shaw here, seven years writing Marvel canons here in general, and eight or nine in the Tumblr X-Fandom. So, it was probably about due to start going dormant again for me. Perhaps it will rise again. Probably will, in fact. Maybe in a matter of months, maybe not for another decade, maybe never, who knows. The second reason is honestly I just hate the Marvel/X-fandom. There’s no reason to mince words, I loathe 99% of what I see outside my buds. I try to cultivate my own fandom experience, of course, but I’m just tired. You guys are swell, I’m talking on a much wider level, and the less interested I get in current canon the less it’s worth it to me, the more I think it’s better for me to just disengage entirely if I hate it so much. Why give attention to something I hate, after all? Which brings me to reason three: I want to cut down my time on Tumblr and online as a whole. I think I’m on the Internet a really unhealthy amount and have gotten in the unfortunate habit of doomscrolling, especially at night when I should be trying to sleep. That shit’s not good for my mental health. I gotta be the adult for myself and take my toy away for my own good. I do feel super bad both for my old faithful mutuals with whom I’ve had such incredible fun, as well as awesome new mutuals whom I was just getting to know. This isn’t goodbye, again, just, it is probably going to be a lot less of me. But I will still need somewhere to post art and my silly shitposts! You have definitely not seen the last of me or Shaw’s hairy tits just yet!

#out of shirt #psa

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discountdemonwarehouse · 10 months

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Domestic December 1 & 2

Okay so I'm a little behind, but I'll try to get the five blurbs up at some point today, or by tomorrow.

I’ll be doing snippets of stuff for my OC Quinn, who is Terzo’s friend from childhood/early teen years. I haven’t started posting any of the fic yet, but I have shared some of the commissioned art of her with Terzo before - she’s the pink haired one, and the one in the bad/awkward prom photo.

These snippets will be written specifically for this bit on Tumblr, not fic excerpts, so there likely won’t be identical stuff in the fic – for the most part, anyways.

We’ll see if my snippets are actually short, lol. I’M GOING TO TRY.

AO3 Link for all the days as I do them

On this post we have 1 - Cooking together, and 2 - Going to a concert together.

1 - Cooking Together

This one’s a little longer because I felt like it.

Ages → Quinn = 11/12, Terzo = 14/15 Terzo had been brought to The Ministry at a young age, taken from his mother when Nihil became aware of his existence. His memories before The Ministry were spotty, often just small flashes triggered by a smell or sound; something similar to his mother’s soap or perfume, a song she’d sing to him, or even his nonna’s cooking. He remembered laughter and stealing ingredients, or perhaps being asked to taste test food from the wooden spoon. He remembered watching his nonna and mother make pasta, listening to the radio and singing along as they worked, giving him his own little ball of dough to knead and roll out. Now as a young teen he sat in the Demuirs’ clergical apartment kitchen, listening to Quinn and her mother laughing as they started making supper, he felt a pang of longing as he remembered his mother and nonna. Quinn’s eyes landed on him as she turned, her smile faltering as she saw the sadness in his eyes. “Terzo? You okay?” He smiled brightly, forcing it. “Fine.” Her gaze narrowed. “Uh huh.” They’d only been friends for a few months, but she could already read him like a book. “This just reminds me of when I was little... Mia madre e mia nonna. They were often like you two, and sometimes I helped.” “You’re more than welcome to help, sweetie,” Sera offered. “Yeah, you can take over for me,” Quinn giggled.

He hesitated, unsure of whether or not he was truly welcome to join, but also unsure why he wouldn’t be. They were good people, this wasn’t some sort of prank or trap. Quinn waved him over, “Come on, slowpoke. The garlic won’t slice itself.” “What are you making?” he asked, approaching slowly. “Nothing too difficult, just burst cherry tomato pasta,” Sera smiled, pointing at the ingredients “Oh! Pasta con pomodorini, sì!” “You’ve made it before?” “No, but it’s a common dish. Papa Nihil… he doesn’t let us cook. Says we make too much mess. “Too much of a mess? That’s part of the fun! You’re welcome to cook here.” “I don’t know how.” “Well, then we’ll teach you. Quinn’s helped me since she was younger. Everyone should know how to cook – even Russ, Bishop Demuir, knows how to cook!” Quinn had boosted herself up onto the counter on the other side of the sink, and nodded when Terzo looked at her. “It’s true. Dad mostly cooks breakfast food though.” Terzo smiled a little. “Learning would be nice.” “Don’t think this gets you off the hook either, little miss!” Sera pointed at Quinn. “Soon I’ll have you two cooking dinner and I’ll be able to sit and relax.” “Yes, mama.” Quinn rolled her eyes, eating a cherry tomato. “Don’t eat all of those, we need them for the pasta. Get the cheese grater.”

Sera walked Terzo through prepping the ingredients and getting the water on to boil before showing him how to sauté the garlic. Next came cooking the tomatoes in the same pan, and adding the pasta to the boiling water. “I know it can seem overwhelming to have multiple things cooking at the same time, but you’ll get the hang of it,” Sera reassured him. “Quinn usually makes this by herself.” “If she can do it, then I’m sure I can.” He tried to feign confidence. “Of course you can!” Quinn grinned at him as she grated cheese. Terzo startled as one of the tomatoes popped loudly, causing Quinn to giggle. He felt his cheeks heat. “Smash them with the spoon,” Quinn told him. “Only half of them!” Sera added. “Smashing them helps make some sauce, but we don’t want it too runny.” He nodded, carefully poking the tomatoes with the wooden spoon. “Sweetie, get the strainer please,” Sera instructed Quinn. “Terzo, time to slice the basil.” Sera supervised his knife skills again as he sliced the basil, then showed him how to season the sauce. Soon everything was finished. Terzo had made the pasta under Sera’s watchful eye, and Quinn had made a salad and sliced a loaf of fresh bread. They quickly set the table and summoned Russ to join them. “Terzo made supper,” Sera said proudly as she watched him set the serving bowl on the table. “Part of supper,” Quinn corrected her mother. “Really? Looks delicious!” Russ responded with a smile. “Grazie, Your Grace.” Russ waved a hand at him. “None of that here. Call me Russ, or Mr. Demuir if you still insist on formality.” “Yes, sir – I mean, Mr. Demuir.” Russ chuckled. “You’ll get it soon enough. Buon appetito!” Terzo smiled to himself a little as he filled his plate and began to eat, a sense of belonging starting to fill him. None of them ever expected how that night would cause cooking to become one of his comfort activities.

2 - Going to a concert together

Ages → Quinn 17/18, Terzo 20/21

Quinn stood on tiptoe trying to see over the taller metalheads in front of them. “Are these the best tickets The Ministry was offered?” she asked Terzo. “Apparently.” She huffed, dropping back to flat feet, arms crossed over her chest. “Stop pouting, tesoro. You’re here – even after your parents said no – and you didn’t have to pay money.” “I’m an adult, they had no right to say no!” “And yet here you are, sneaking out to go to a concert with me,” he smirked at her before drinking his beer. “Can I try some?” “You won’t like it.” “You won’t like it,” she mimicked back in a stupid voice. “I’ve had beer before. You’ve literally seen me drink it at the bonfires.” “Then you don’t need to try it. And you shouldn’t have been at the bonfires either.” “What the fuck, salsicciotto (little sausage)?! Are you my parents now?” “If anything happens to you, I am the one who will get in trouble.” Her eyes narrowed at him, lips pursed, and a moment later she snatched the beer out of his hands. “Quinn!” She took a swig. “Nope, still don’t like beer.” “Then why do you insist on drinking it?” Terzo asked in exasperation. “Nobody ever has anything else! And you didn’t get me anything to drink.” Terzo sighed and looked at Omega, the ghoul holding up his hands helplessly. “Fine, I’ll go get you something.” “Great! We’ll be at the barrier!”

Terzo froze in his tracks, wheeling around to face her again. “Eh, scusa? You stay here, tesoro. Omega and Celeste will keep you safe. Or keep others safe from you.” “Oh come on! We have the ghouls, why not use them to get to the barrier?” “No,” he said firmly. He looked at Omega, knowing the ghoul’s fondness for Quinn and reiterating, “No.” “Please?” Quinn begged, giving him her best puppy dog eyes. “I’ll stop whining if we go to the barrier.” Terzo sighed. He wasn’t going to win this battle, but he could negotiate. He could try to negotiate. “We can go to the barrier after I get you a Coke. We will go together, or not at all. Sì?” “Fine. I forgot you wouldn’t be able to fight your way through the crowd,” she smirked at him. “Just for that I’m not getting you a coke.” “Fine! Whatever.” She turned to start heading through the crowd. “I’ll just flirt with someone else to get one once we get to the barrier.” “I don’t fucking think so!” he exclaimed with a glare. “That’s asking for problems I don’t want to deal with!” The four of them made their way through the crowd, Omega using his quintessence to easily coerce people to step aside and make room without realizing they were doing anything. They reached the barrier, Celeste and Omega immediately falling behind their humans as if to guard them. Terzo had to admit, Quinn had him wrapped around her little finger, along with his ghoul, and she wasn’t afraid to use it to get her way. He also didn’t appear to be the only one affected, both the opening band and the main act made a point of flirting with her from the stage, and giving her picks or other items. “Why do you get all the attention, hm?” he asked half-teasingly. “It helps if you stare at them adoringly,” she laughed. “Even if it’s a lie. You should know all about flirting, you’re already on your way to being a womanizing playboy.” Terzo reached over and messed up her hair. “The encore is over, let’s get back to The Ministry.”

#the band ghost #fanfic #papa emeritus iii #papa terzo #ghost terzo #terzo #terzo emeritus #ghost fanfiction #ghost fic #Domestic December 2023 #female oc

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atlantisknits · 2 years

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1 - Trust the Process

Hi, hello,

I had originally considered creating some kind of YouTube channel, but after realising that I do not have the right kind of set up or environment (I am twenty-six and still live at home, it’s a touchy subject) I decided this may not be the most practical idea and would be difficult to stay consistent with posting as there would forever be some level of background noise or interference.

So, here I am, I guess- writing down my incoherent thoughts about my hobby.

I suppose I should introduce myself. My name is Alanis. I’m a millennial who is still trying to figure out their life and who has turned to a hobby to try and figure that out- in this case, that hobby is knitting. You may think that is an over exaggeration to an extent…perhaps. However, since I started knitting back in November 2021 it has given me something to focus on. My teenie tiny brain that had spent so much time spinning around inside my skull now had something to ease that. I enjoyed the sense of learning something new whilst also being rewarded at the end of a project with something cute I could wear.

As someone who considers themselves to be ‘naturally creative’ I’ve often been drawn to expressing myself through art or writing, yet I often would try to explain to people how I felt like I needed something tangible- something that I could make with my hands and morph and shape, watching it grow in the process of creation. It surprised me how knitting hadn’t come to me sooner.

However, knitting came to me at a time when I needed it most. I had recently been diagnosed with endometriosis and adenomyosis and was struggling to process this after what had been a long and tiring process to even reach this point.

2020 was a strange year for many as the pandemic hit us all. As lockdown started in March 2020 I had already been self-isolating with some flu-like symptoms. However, after a couple of days these passed…only for me to be hit with the worst pain I had ever experienced. The pain was so intense I had felt nothing like it before. It felt like my insides had exploded- I was shaking uncontrollably, my skin was on fire, I was sweating, I was throwing up from the pain and was on the verge of blacking out as I tried to drag myself to the bathroom. I remember thinking to myself, ‘surely this is a ten, this is ten out of ten pain, I’m gonna die.’ In normal circumstances most people would have gone to A&E, however as the country had been told to avoid A&E due to Covid I had to endure the pain from my bedroom floor. All I could do was curl up and hope that this pain passed as my body flinched and I would cry out in agony.

Eventually, the pain did ease, but didn’t go away. Every day I was in some level of pain- shooting, acidic, constricting, cramping, throbbing. I felt like my body was broken, something inside me didn’t feel right and it was from here that I decided to seek help. It wasn’t until months later and after various second opinions that endometriosis was actually mentioned to me. I find it funny how at this time I had recently finished reading Sally Rooney’s Conversations With Friends. As I read I realised how much I related to the symptoms mentioned and this is how I first began to read more into endometriosis. This book now holds special importance to me.

Jumping forward, in October 2021 after multiple appointments, tests and scans I got the answers to what had been causing my pain. Throughout this journey I had felt so confused and out of touch with myself- I was constantly exhausted from being in pain and having to explain my symptoms to medical professionals who weren’t willing to understand, I was lonely from being isolated through lockdown and also after coming out of a long-term relationship- I was having to learn how to be on my own in a time where I guess everyone was feeling pretty alone. There was a sense of irony having the guy I had spent six years with turn around and tell me he doesn’t want kids to then be told that whatever was going on inside me could affect my potential to do so. It’s not that I even particularly wanted/want kids, but I guess when you’re in a relationship the social standard is to one day move in together, get married, start a family.

During the appointment where I was diagnosed surgery had been discussed to remove the hemorrhagic cyst in my left ovary, but given its size and location I was told there was the potential that I could lose my ovary. Usually surgery is suggested as a treatment to remove any cysts and endometriosis tissue through a laparoscopy and from here a ‘confirmed’ diagnosis can be given and also at what stage the disease is at, so without surgery not only am I left with the issue at hand but also a sense of imposter syndrome as even though through the multiple scans and tests I’ve undergone apparently endometriosis still can’t be ‘confirmed’ until a sample has been taken through surgery and been sent off for testing. With this a hysterectomy was also mentioned to me with regards to the adenomyosis as unlike endometriosis which can be cut or burnt away with surgery (with the potential of growing back) the same can’t be done for adenomyosis. However, over a year has passed since then and now again I can’t help but notice further irony as despite them being reluctant to press surgery as an option in order to protect my fertility I am now left with endo and adeno messing up my insides further.

I was also concerned about my job- in a sense I was grateful for the lockdowns as I would not have been able to work in the state I was in. But, ultimately it did reach a point where I left my job. I felt like so many people had already walked out of my life through this and now I was walking away from my job as I couldn’t hack it. I reached a point of real self-hatred. My mind would tell me how pathetic I was, I would watch as everyone around me would move on with their lives whereas I felt like I was being pulled backwards. I was a failure. I didn’t see the point in anything.

It wasn’t until I went out for coffee one afternoon with close friends that knitting had even crossed my mind. I urged myself to be present and not allow my mind to wander to negative self-talk, but when knitting came up in conversation something sparked at the back of that empty space. From there my brain would not stop thinking about it- I went home and started researching ‘how to knit.’ The next day I went to my local yarn store (I am fortunate enough to have a lovely yarn store in my town), I walked in, said, “I want to learn how to knit. What do I need?” I left with some circular needles and some balls of Drops Lima in my bag…only for my mum to look at my tiny needles and to tell me to perhaps try something chunkier to start with.

From there began a journey of learning various skills and enjoying discovering new ideas and inspiration. It started with some dodgy garter stitch blankets and stockinette scarfs to an intarsia jumper I had knitted in totally the wrong gauge (but still love) to now a love of designers such as Petite Knit, My Favourite Things Knitwear and Knitting For Olive. Now, german short rows and italian bind-off don’t intimidate me like maybe they once would have. I remind myself that if there’s something I want to do I should just do it and learn along the way and that’s something I have stuck by. Impulsive? Maybe. But, does it push me to experiment and explore my hobby further? Yes.

This is also something that can be applied to everyday life. Just do the thing and learn along the way- enjoy the process.

Over the past couple of months I have come to realise that life is a process. Adapting to life with a chronic illness has meant that my life has slowed down somewhat and I have had to adjust my pace. Not everyone’s pace matches and it’s cool if mine doesn’t match those around me, just like it’s cool if I don’t churn out multiple gorgeous knitted projects each month. Just because I don’t have the life I had envisioned by now doesn’t mean it won’t come to me one day, things take time and if ‘my time’ wants to take its time, then cool.

I’ll sit and chill with my knitting in the meantime.

I would love to hear what project you’re currently working on- doesn’t necessarily have to be knitting related! I want to make this a little space to talk about the joy of knitting and a little sprinkle of life as well (lol hopefully know the backstory is out of the way things will be less depressing). I hope this is something fellow knitters (and non-knitters) may find interesting!

Much love and happy knitting! xo

Current Project: Elisabeth Blouse by Petite Knit

Yarn: Filcolana Pernilla in shade Chai

Original image posted to my Instagram account: atlantis.knits

#knit #knitting #knitblr #knittersofinstagram #knitterslife #knitters of tumblr #knittersgonnaknit #yarn #hobby #hobbylife #slow fashion #handmade #made by me #blog #endometriosis #adenomyosis #chronic illness

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litchizzle · 2 years

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12.29.22

HELLO I GOT A NEW MECHANICAL KEYBOARD

And I am typing on it bc it feels nice :) When I was trying to think of somewhere where I could type a lot of stream of conscious bullshit I thought of tumblr :) :)

I do sometimes wish I had kept up with posting on here more often so I could get a full account of my life up to now, but... there are too many places to do reflections these days and it takes a lot for me to keep up with them. Plus it’s not like my posts on tumblr ever were a good representation of my life - it was just a place to rant and word barf and write back in the day when writing perhaps meant more to me (and I was a dramatic little shit)

I did just read a post in my drafts from midway through 2021 and I seemed a little lost about what to do with my life/career and it scared me a little bc I resonated too much with that, and it’s been 1.5 years and like I haven’t figured my shit out????

But I KNOW I KNOW I have actually come a long way. This year I think I figured out a path career-wise and have started carving my way forward - slowly but surely. I also picked up some hobbies again since then. Crazy to think that it happened this year because now it feels like I (should) have always been doing this. But I started painting and making art again, and just doing more creative hobbies in general. I think I always scattered a few creative activities here and there (maybe more graphic design related things in 2020/2021 though), but I had neglected the more tactile drawing/painting that always brought me a lot of joy. So I’m glad I pushed myself to start taking art classes this year, which definitely helped me restart the hobby again.

I also rebooted a lot of health/mental health related habits again - exercising regularly, meditating, reading. I’m getting better at being disciplined at those things. It’s almost weird to think of times when these things weren’t built into my habits. So yay progress!

AND this year did start to feel like the pandemic was lifted off our shoulders a bit more for me. I went out a lot more (especially in the summer) - met new people, tried to looked for new activities to do and ways to explore the city. I have lived in Boston for two years now and this year I really felt like I was getting to know it better finally - which felt really really nice !!! And it feels a lot more like home. We also moved to a new apartment. It feels a lot homier and happier than our old place. Perhaps I was starting to feel a little stale being in that old apartment all the time though, considering that was like my “pandemic apartment” and I was there literally all the time...

I did not intend for this post to turn into a yearly reflection thing, but TIS that season after all. 2022 started out pretty rough (it was a bad winter) but I think I grew a lot from that dark time LOL. There were a lot of negative thoughts that pushed me forward to do more things and try more things. I would say that I tried to embody “growth” as much as I could this year - with baby steps because you have to start somewhere. And a baby step is better than no step.

I am looking forward to 2023, not just because 23 is a special number to me (lmao) but also that I feel surprisingly in a good place right now and ready to take a bigger step. And I trust that I have the tools and the strength to go forward!!! I think this past year (or even two) has been a lot about resetting and gaining those tools again, after a weirdly destructive 2020. (Well I don’t think 2020 destroyed me that much but it put me in a weird place in terms of life and goals) (I felt really lost about my focus and values, in a way where I wasn’t really thinking about those things - I was more carefree perhaps) But I somehow feel more confident now about where I am and where I want to go - even if it’s not super clear, I know what I want to TRY at least. I know I want to keep doing things that make me happy and pushing myself to grow.

I will detail more specific goals later of course, but a general theme I have been thinking about is “intentionality”. I often feel like I am water, I go with the flow more than I should. This used to be a personality trait I held proudly, but I know now that it’s not always a good thing. If you flow too swiftly sometimes things pass you by. And sometimes you get no shit done LOL. I feel like I often go with the flow so often that when I think about where I am in life, I wonder how much of it was because of my own doing. It’s that whole “do I have free will” debate, but amplified in my brain because I’m SUCH a passive person. So much of my life has just been saying “yes” to the right thing at the right time - which I don’t discount, I think it’s great where it’s taken me - but it makes me feel..... like I don’t have control and take charge enough. Even for small things.

Which is not even true, bc I do take charge of small things ok - I wouldn’t be surviving here if I didn’t. But I’m just a VERY externally motivated person, a lot of my decisions are influenced by others (or done for others) OR my actions are triggered because of something someone else did. Which is fine, individuality is a myth and we’re just combinations of the people and things around us BUT

I want to at least be more conscious about the above, and how they relate to my decisions and actions. I want to actually act on the ideas I have of “oh I would like to do this” instead of waiting to see what other people want to do. AND I want to be intentional about the things I do, truly think about whether I want to do something or if I’m just “going with the flow”. I want to be more proactive, less reactive. I want to initiate plans more (I think I’ve been getting better at doing this) When I make plans for myself, I want to be more willing to follow through with them.

That is the gist of it. I think it correlates to just being more aware of your own actions and surroundings. (Which is something meditation taught me!) I don’t want to be living in a vacuum/matrix/haze or whatever you call it. In general I have been moving away from this but next year I want to put more effort into this mindset. Bias for action as they call it :^)

Anyways this has been a lot. Happy Holidays

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virq-qgo · 3 years

Text

Wabi-Sabi

// “the art of finding beauty in imperfection, impermanence and the natural cycle of nature.” //

CW: body shaming, mention of sex, reader goes by she/her but mostly uses you. Body hate, body dysmorphia.. unedited!

A/n:) hi, this took me a few days because my motivation has been like a light switch. And decided to take a break from dr strange. More content of him should return soon. Sorry for those who wanted some dr strange. I was thinking about posting about my Rengoku fanfic on here but I don’t know-

1.4K words

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You didn’t quite understand why he had asked you to marry him. Maybe it was out of pity or perhaps sorrow. You couldn’t figure out why he did it, nor why you even said yes. There were plenty of other women out there and he chose the blandest one, so you thought. It hurt going out in public with the girls because all eyes landed on them. You couldn’t blame those wondering eyes. Makio, Suma and Hinatsuru were the prettiest and most well known ladies on the block. The three would get compliments from left to right, others praising how they got so lucky that they’re married to the one and only Uzui Tengen. You found it funny when you watch those strangers' eyes open wide as if they’ve seen a ghost when they found out that you were also his wife. They often coughed out in embarrassment and gave you a few compliments too, but nothing like the others.

When your lover’s were away, you would often stay home and clean up. Sometimes you would treat yourself and go shopping. But as you would wander the busy streets, you would hear murmurs as a few eyes glanced over at you.

“I don’t know why Uzui would marry a girl like her.”

“I know, it’s almost embarrassing to look at her.”

“She’s not that bad you guys, maybe if she had bigger breasts and more curves she’ll look prettier.”

A sigh had left your lips as you walked past the group of people. You couldn’t be that bad, could you? Uzui would always tell you that you had such a beautiful face and body. But you were starting to doubt him now, maybe he was only telling you that to make you feel better.

—-

By the time you had got home from shopping, it was dark out. And was greeted by three very worried ladies. You gave them an apologetic look as you set your bags down, “I’m sorry,” you mumbled, “I guess I just got lost track of time.”

“You really scared us, (name)! What were you thinking of being out so late? Do you remember that there's demons out there that like to eat humans!” Maiko yelled causing your shoulders to drop. You felt tears well up in your eyes but you refused to let them fall, you wanted to prove to them that you were stronger from what they said on the streets.

“Yeah, (name)..” Suma mumbled, tears were already pooled up in her eyes, “I don’t want you to be hurt by demons.”

Hinatsuru agreed with the other woman by nodding her head, “I agree, but I’m glad you're safe.”

“I’m really sorry, I promise it won’t happen again.”

“Good, you better keep that promise.” Maiko’s voice seemed like she was scolding you, but you could hear the hint of worry. She notices the bags on the ground and peeked at them, trying to see what’s inside of them. Once you caught her noticeable gaze on the bags, you gave her one.

“I got all of you something. I hope you like them.” You say while giving the bags to the other two. The three girls gasped aloud and had stars in their eyes, you had bought them new dresses and a new hair pin. You chuckle and scratch at the back of your neck, “I know it isn’t much but I saw those and thought of you guys.”

“I love it!” They both spoke, almost perfectly in sync.

You had a soft smile on your lips as you felt your heart flutter.

“What about me?” A deep voice creeped behind you causing you to jump. You place a hand over your chest and feel your heart race.

“Don’t do that!” You yell as you see your husband, your other hand reaches for the bag behind you. “This is for you.” Uzui grins as he takes the bag out of your hand.

“What about you dear? What did you get for yourself?”

You laugh nervously, “Oh, I don’t need anything.”

Uzui had eyed you suspiciously before digging through his bag. “Wow,” his eyes widened as he pulled out four tickets to one of the hot springs he had been desperate to go to. “This is amazing, thank you love!” He pulls you to his side and plants a kiss on top of your head. “But why is there only four when there are five of us?”

“I wasn’t planning on going.”

“Why not!” Suma calls out.

You were stumped, you didn’t want to bother them with your insecurities. It would just kill the mood for everyone. “Um, I had something planned that day.”

Uzui knits his brows and almost looks at you in disbelief, “Well then, lets reschedule.”

“That’s not necessary!”

“Yes it is, I don’t know why you don’t want to go with us? Perhaps you're ashamed because you're married to more than one person?

“Huh? What no, that's not it!”

“Then don’t give me such an excuse.”

You bit your tongue and held your wrist behind your back. Eyes jumping from each lover to another. finger twitching by your side as you wracked your brain for another excuse, something that’ll make them believe you. But you didn’t know what to say, you couldn’t just say that you let strangers mean comments get to you and now you don’t want to show your body to the world. You feel your eyes well up with tears but no matter how hard you tried to keep them in, they fell.

Uzui looks at you with worry in his eyes and he tries to reach out for your hand but you pull yourself away. “Love-”

“I’m going to go take a bath,” you gave him a soft sad smile, “I hope you all enjoyed your things.” scurrying past the four into the bathroom, swiftly making sure you didn’t trip due to tears in your eyes.

The girls were about to chase after you but Uzui stopped them with his hand, “I’ll go talk to her.”

Uzui knocked on the bathroom door and called your name in a gentle manner. But the silence on the other side bothered him. He knocked on the door again but this time he heard sniffles. Uzui was quick to push open the door expecting to see something terrible but there you stood in front of the mirror in nothing but your bra and underwear staring at your body with a judgefull stare.

“Uzui-” you were cut off by his hand.

“What’s wrong, and don’t tell me it’s nothing.”

“But-”

“The honest truth my dear.” Uzui grabs onto your wrist and pulls you to his broad chest. “If you don’t tell me, I’ll keep you in a bear hug till you suffocate.”

But the last thing your lover was expecting from you was to cry. “I'm sorry- I’m sorry.” He feels his heart shatter hearing your cries. Your arms wrapped around his waist and buried your face in his chest. “I’m sorry that I’m not good enough! I’m sorry that I don’t have a body like the others, if I could change it, I promise I would!”

“(name)-”

“I’m sorry,” you cry, “Maybe you should just listen to the people out in the streets and just divorce me.”

Uzui pulled your face from his chest and cupped your jaw with his large hands. He admired your tear stained face, and searched your eyes to try to find the answer but couldn’t find anything but sadness. “Now why would you even say something like that?” he scolds softly, “You are beautiful, who cares if your body is different from the girls. Your body is just as beautiful. Don’t get me started on how gorgeous you are when you’re laid out naked in front of me.” his hand wipes away your flowing tears, “And what are these people saying about me divorcing you? You must be that unflamboyant to think I would do such thing.”

“I-” you started but didn’t finish your sentence. He was right, why would he do such thing.

Uzui chuckles as he presses his lips against your forehead, “You don’t know? Maybe I should show you just how beautiful you really are? Isn’t that right girls.” And almost on cue the door burst open with three women tumbling over each other

“Suma, you dunce! You got us caught!.” Maiko shouted

“I'm sorry! (Name) looked really sad and I just wanted to make sure she was okay!”

A soft smile appears on your face as you see the three argue with one another. Then a sharp gasp leaves your lips as Uzui pulls you back into his chest and grabs ahold of the girls. Embracing you all in a bear-hug.

“You’re beautiful (name), and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.”

And with that, maybe you will be okay after all.

#kny #kimetsu no yaiba #demon slayer #kimetsu no yaiba x reader #demon slayer x reader #kny tengen #tengen uzui x reader #uzui tengen x reader #self worth #self love #uzui x reader #uzui tengen #tengen uzui #tengen supremacy

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sn33z3s · 3 years

Text

is kyle a good friend to stan?

“We didn’t really think too much about, like, what it was saying on a bigger level. [...] When we came back, I was like, ‘I don’t give a shit what we say about Stan, we just have to have Duck President.’” - Matt Stone on You’re Getting Old, Season 15 commentary

the problem with that question is how subjective the answer can be. do we all measure friendships the same way? there is a significant moment in the now often-debated episode, Assburgers, that i feel gets glossed over during this discussion: the scene where stan begs kyle for the secret recipe, and kyle refutes him

(obvious yet necessary disclaimer: i’m not matt or trey, and i’m also not the first fan to have thoughts about south park)

so, after kyle's confusion and refusal, the fast-food executive says: “oh, right, like a friend would walk out on somebody who was diagnosed with a serious illness.” when kyle defends himself, his exact wording is: “you said ‘fuck you’ to my face, stan.” then, stan claims he “didn’t realize what he was saying.” the executive comments again: “oh, yeah, like any friend would say something that severe and then try to take it back” (caps below)

the executive, in this scenario, is the narrative itself. kyle has done stan wrong by eventually giving up on stan in a time of need - or at the very least, what can justifiably be interpreted as abandonment. however, stan has also done kyle wrong by giving into an overwhelming amount of negativity, rendering kyle’s attempts at balancing both stan’s needs and his own throughout YGO and Assburgers futile. the episode tells us… they are both in the wrong. i hate stating the obvious, again, which in this case is “kyle was doing his best, considering he is a child,” but it may be worth mentioning here.

anyway, as the consumer, any art can be debated, but i do think this was purposeful. i notice a tendency for fresh south park fandom to be very one-way-or-the-other about this arc, which is surprising, considering the gray-tone of sp overall (versus black-and-white thinking). You’re Getting Old and Assburgers are episodes about stan and kyle being shitty friends to each other. however, stan, essentially south park's protagonist, is going to be the one we empathize with more. this is neither a correct or incorrect choice to make, rather, one that naturally falls into place. if kyle had, from the start of the episode, agreed with stan in full and was able to help him without any struggle, there would be no plot

south park does say some things very blatantly. unfortunately, due to its format (“we’re not being serious! or are we?”) some jokes inevitably get taken in as serious notes by the fandom. in contrast, other profound moments are just brushed off as jokes, once again, by the fandom

as of late, i have seen: categorizing kyle as “unresponsive” when stan called him to ask about tolkien’s name in s25e2, even though the tone was for framing stan’s overreaction as hilarious. kyle also has yet to visit stan at the farm, which can either be purposeful or incidental on m&t’s part. if it’s purposeful, what negates the stan-critical writing in this arc, as well? alternatively, how can we say it is not simply a detail m&t have forgotten to make an episode featuring? that’s the thing: none of us can say either yet. i have more to say on this end as it relates to Post-COVID and Return of COVID, but i'll elaborate on that in a later post

it’s interesting that the YGO-Assburgers arc is now (as in perhaps the past two years, or so) regarded as a “loss” for stan/kyle shippers. in any case, stan said he loved kyle, and not with air of humor surrounding (versus something like The China Problem). it’s also strange to frame the labyrinth that is male pre-teen best friendship as “broken” when they fight, considering that is very normal, common, expected, and at times even beneficial to strengthening said unconditional friendship

stan and kyle are not the same person. the main point of YGO & Assburgers was for stan to be a vehicle through which matt and trey explore the shittiness of growing up (depression). i believe that this is not something that would have been an episode very early on, in the seasons where the show was establishing and emphasizing the close bond between stan and kyle. if they weren’t shown to be extremely close, their break-ups would have no impact. kyle, stan’s best friend, is going to be the reactionary character; kenny is too far in the background, and cartman is cartman and would not care whether or not stan is feeling depressed. which leaves kyle. the same can be said for stan, when stan is in opposition to kyle. conflict is how you create a storyline

the stan-kyle dynamic and its reputation in fandom has become something of a “damned if they do, damned if they don’t” situation. in other words: if stan and kyle have a consistently healthy and close relationship, then they are disregarded as “boring” and “uninteresting,” or even “conventional.” however, if they fight, then it becomes this argument of stan deserving better than kyle; even though, as far as i could tell, “deserving” isn’t a matter of any relevance in a ship, though most specifically a ship where two characters (who by those episodes have lived under 10% of their lives) consistently choose one other, consciously, for a variety of reasons

“That’s the way kids think. It’s like, ‘I just wanna wake up in the same bed every day and have the same great day...’ and then you get to be a certain age, and it’s like, bad shit starts happening, and you don’t get to go back.” - Matt Stone on Assburgers, Season 15 commentary

#south park #sneeze writes

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ohmyartref · 3 years

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hi, i need advice

i am trying to improve my anatomy for poses (I've been drawing for nearly 10 years) and I just can't seem to get it.

I've tried figure drawings but they all look so bad, I get discouraged and I never want to do them again. And I have anatomy books but I don't know how to use them.

Right now, I'm tracing over the refs and trying to copy the pose but it's never accurate and all my artist peers point this out constantly due to its many tiny mistakes.

I don't know what to do and I'm afraid I'll never be an illustrator because I can't draw anything right. I don't know if college classes will help me out neither :(

Now, I'm not the most articulate or best at wording what I think, but I'm going to try my best, because I genuinely think this is an issue of perception and perfectionism, and not an issue of not actually growing.

Figure drawings, in my opinion at least, don't really need to look 'good'. They are meant to be quick practice that breaks the body down into simple shapes and lines of action. Generally, with a lot of figure drawing practice, you start small and with reference, 10 second sketches, to 20 second, 30, etc. They are rough, they are messy, they are practice, and honestly? Practice doesn't often look 'good' or perfect. It will look bad, it will look messy. The key with those figuring drawing practices really is to just keep doing them, no one can have enough practice and no one stops learning or is a master that is no longer in need of practice and warm ups. Repetition will help you learn and experimenting will help you develop your own style.

Tracing over a reference is a valid way of practicing and learning! If you don't already, try not relying on the tracing too much. For example: When I need a hand in a specific pose and I just can't find the reference? I will pose my own (or a friends) hand how I need, take the picture, and trace it, but the tracing is very basic, the basic shapes, the details and fine tuning I do on my own.

I didn't go to college, when it comes to art some find it helpful, some find it to be a waste, but definitely look into colleges in your area or online that might have some free classes or events that you can attend. Some places have walk in figure drawing classes, and in this post I've discussed online resources.

But again, I think perhaps the actual issue here is perfectionism and self perception. And this is coming from personal experience:

The idea of 'pretty' and 'perfect' practice drawings or figure drawings is unfortunately a negative effect of social media and perfectionism. I think most people are guilty of it- spending time on a piece that is definitely more than a sketch, posting it, and captioning it with 'quick doodle' or 'rough sketch'. It creates an illusion of something being easy, natural, seamless, 'perfect' for other artists viewing it, and though no one should compare themselves to the work of another, I know we're all guilty of doing it.

I know I am extremely guilty of perfectionism, its something I tackle a lot with my therapist. This I think might be a useful resource and group of module work books to help anyone dealing with perfectionism, these are the exact ones I use and they are free! Sometimes we are our own worst enemies with growth, and we're the ones that stop ourselves from growing the most with our feelings of discouragement. I know it can really suck when artist peers critique and point out mistakes, sometimes it can come from a place of wanting to help and sometimes it just sucks. I certainly get discouraged, much like you're talking about, its important to focus on yourself, and your own goals rather than the opinions of others unless you are asking them specifically for advice.

Its not always easy to combat discouragement and those feelings of perfectionism, but I believe that you can! You can absolutely be an illustrator! There are so many professionals and illustrators that have struggled just like this or who took their time getting into the field. You can absolutely do it!!

#long post #anonymous #anatomy ref #pose ref #misc ref

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amphxtrite · 4 years

Text

cedric diggory x fem!reader

part two: Dreamiest Boy in School.

warnings: smut, shower sex, swearing, oral (female receiving), masturbation.

If you are not comfortable please do not read.

summary: Cedric’s been in love with you for years. What will he do when he catches the reader moaning his name after a quidditch game in the prefect’s bathroom. Fluff at the end.

a/n: characters are 18+ and it is fully consensual.

word count: 4.2k

enjoy<3

__________________________________________

Cedric first met you in his fifth year when he’d first been appointed captain of the hufflepuff team, it was your first time trying out despite also being in your fifth, but it was no secret that it wasn’t your first time on the pitch. You were a natural, blocking quaffles with ease, letting none enter the goal. Your movements were smooth, elegant, but forceful, effectively getting the job done, but truly showing off the art of flying. Cedric had to forcibly pinch himself after you touched down.

Today was a rough game against gryffindor, It went on much longer than it needed to with Ms. Pink Toad calling random people from the pitch and ‘hem hemming’ every time someone managed to score a goal. When Cedric had eventually caught the snitch, he had to deal with a ten minute long speech from Umbridge speaking of his bravery and strength, he cut it short after she began to run her hands over his face.

Now came Cedric’s favourite part of the game, his friends had already congratulated him on the win, but he was close by you and your friends as you touched down from the goal post. You were distributing high-fives to everyone, even throwing Cedric a quick thumbs up before running to your gym bag and taking a long sip from your water bottle. Here it comes, your pupils glance from side to side, scanning the area before grabbing the hem of your jersey to dab at the sweat running down your face. No one on the team cared you did this, but you still felt weird randomly pulling your jersey up to clean off your face. You did this after every practice and game, and although he didn’t mean to intrude Cedric found himself gazing at you often.

Cedric takes his bottom lip into his teeth as he looks to the grass beneath him, his thoughts running wild. He pictures what it would be like if he was the one pulling at your shirt, slowly pushing it up your gorgeous body as you beg him to take it off, rolling your hips desperately against his. The seeker’s pants were starting to get a little more constricting at the thought.

Ever since his first time seeing you at the pitch, he’d find himself thinking of you this way a lot. His name spilling from your lips, mouth agape, legs quivering. It kept him awake often, thinking about you. Imagining the feeling of your lips pressed to his as he rocked his hips in and out of you. He didn’t appreciate the sinful thoughts encasing his mind every time he saw you, it drove him insane. Any time you licked your lips, shook out your hair, smirked or even simply laughed, he’d have to excuse himself to rid of the heat from his face.

It was even worse the two of you had become close friends in the last two years, you were the person to help and train him for the triwizard tournament, working out with him often and supporting him through his challenges, also being his unofficial ‘date’ to the ball. You pushed him well, preparing him for the physical challenges that lay ahead in the contest, but only having his crush grow as you worked by his side and hugged him good luck. After he won, you were one of the first people he went to after his father. You had jumped into his arms and held him tight as he recounted the story of how Voldemort had stunned him and Harry had saved his life. Upon finishing the story, you had kissed him on the cheek and whispered.

“I’m so glad you’re okay. I don’t know what I’d do if you were gone.”

He knew then that he was never going to let you go.

Cedric did his best to put your friendship first, reminding himself of your platonic status and your great history. He couldn’t jeopardize it all, even if he fancied you. Running himself a cold shower after stripping down his robes in the prefect’s bathroom, he tries to place his thoughts in a different headspace. He ignores his surroundings as he tries to rid himself of the dirty images, letting the cold water stream onto his face. It was practically useless, his mind drifted back to your lips pulled between your teeth or how your lips felt against his cheek after each hit of cold water. With one small thought, his arousal and need grows.

Sighing quietly and shutting the tap off, the hufflepuff head boy wraps a towel around his waist as he picks up his bag to begin getting changed. Halfway to zip open his bag, he can hear a shaky voice calling, not to far away.

“Oh f-fuck Ced.”

Body immediately going rigid, the wide-eyed boy regains his train of thought and remembering where he is, glancing around the showers. The voice was so familiar, close.

So... dream-like. Sifting through his memories to match the voice, he thinks of people close to him that were also prefects or head girls, the only person to came to mind was you, but that was impossible. What were you doing saying his name so beautifully.

“Faster, please.” The voice rang out again in a softer mewl. The brunette’s cheeks light on fire as the voice finally registers in his ears, no doubt it was your soft cry. Despite his better judgment, Cedric needed to check this out. To make sure he wasn’t just imagining your voice begging for him.

As he approaches the shower he hears the voice from, he can hear a heavy pant and a shower getting louder. Standing before the closed curtain. His hand hovering over top the thin material, he mentally debates this, perhaps he was wrong. He might’ve misheard, and the he’d be barging in on a random girl. Pulling his hand away he turn to leave, but another moan perks his attention.

“F-fuck Cedric, I-I’m gonna c-cum.” A quivering whimper, cries his name again.

He’d heard you say his name about a million times, cheering him on, talking to him, laughing out his name. That was you inside, about to cum to his image.

Not able to take it anymore and he rips open the shower curtain, his cock springing up under the towel and pure desire taking over his senses. There you were, damp hair streaming down your shoulders, leaning against a wall with one hand on your breast and the other deep between your legs, pushing in and out at a rapid pace, practically sobbing for release.

“Are you masturbating?”

You barely register the soft question, but as your eyes open they instantly flash with horror and you immediately pull your hands away from your body, meeting gazes with a wide-eyed Cedric. A flood of embarrassment consumes you, he must have heard you. Merlin, you felt disgusting.

“Oh my gosh Cedric I’m so sorry!” You apologize frantically, rushing to grab your towel and cover yourself as tears of self-consciousness begin to well in your eyes. “I didn’t- I’m so sorry.” You try and push him out of your way, but Cedric will not let you pass, his grey eyes still staring holes into you. Agonizing seconds pass as he simply looks you down, your head swiveling around to look anywhere but his stoic gaze.

Finally smirks in amusement, Cedric reaches over and takes your chin in between his fingers, forcing your head up to meet his eyes, you ready yourself for a lecture, or maybe screams, but it doesn’t come.

“I like the way you said my name.” Cedric teases, pushing you back into the running shower.

“Hands between your thighs and on your breast, were you thinking about this?” Cedric purrs, pushing you against the smooth wall and pressing his chest against yours, slowly rocking his hard on against your sensitive clit with the rough towel around his waist.

“Imagining me taking you in the shower, fucking you against the wall and whispering dirty thoughts into your ear?” He continues in a low voice, continuing the gentle rock of his hips.

Your mouth drops open at Cedric’s reaction and the waves of pleasure clouding your senses. “Answer me.” Cedric growls, pushing harder against you and encasing you in his arms, his elbows by your head and his forearms against the wall. “Y-yes, I-I was.” your soft voice breathes out. “Yes, who?” Cedric grins, his eyes growing dark with lust as he watches you writhe beneath him. “Yes Cedric.” You moan as the toned hufflepuff continues to roll his hips slowly, an approving smirk spreading on his lips.

“You don’t know how long I’ve wished to do this love.” Cedric begins to nip at your neck, sucking and kissing around until he finds the spot that makes your breath hitch. You bite your lip to suppress the upcoming moan.

“Stop.” Cedric’s needy voice growls at you. “The only one who’ll be biting those lips is me.” He states, desire lacing every word.

Roughly pushing his lips against yours in a heated kiss, his warm tongue swirls around your mouth, drinking in your intoxicating taste and gliding his rough fingertips up and down your body, memorizing every curve before coming to rest on your hips. Your teeth clash, pleasure and heat travel to your core, fueling your arousal as a hard member prods at you from under Cedric’s dangerously low towel.

“Besides, I want the whole castle to know you’re mine.” The grey-eyed hufflepuff bucks his hips into yours again making you squirm. “C-Cedric!” You cry out, wrapping your arms around his muscular shoulders and digging your nails into your champion’s back, the steam in the shower clouds your perception even more, all you could sense was Cedric’s body against yours, every muscle every scar. Cedric’s teasing lips pull up again as you begin to ramble.

“I-I need you.” you beg nervously, grinding your hips against the soaked material of Cedric’s towel.

“Would you like my fingers or my tongue love.” Cedric’s cool digits brush the inside of your thighs, you nearly jump at the feeling. “Both.” You manage to whimper out as Cedric’s hard stare bores into you.

“Dirty girl.” He smirks teasingly, his voice smooth as satin and dark as sin. “Beg for it.”

You could feel your arousal growing at Cedric’s words. You’d never seen him as the type to wish his partner to beg, but Merlin you weren’t complaining.

“Please Cedric, I need you. You make me feel so fucking good, please don’t stop, let the whole castle know who I belong to.”

Your champion’s eyes go from a piercing grey to almost black as lust and arousal course through his veins. He slowly lowers himself to the ground, pressing kisses all the way down to where you needed him most. Cedric takes his time spreading your legs apart and kissing up your inner thighs and blowing on your clit, sending shockwaves up your trembling form. He looks back up at you as he leans forwards and licks a stripe through your folds and begins to swirl his tongue around your clit. Your thoughts run cold, all that consumes your mind was the ecstasy running through your veins, Cedric flicking his tongue around your sex, fucking you with his tongue and lapping hungrily at your sweet juices.

“Oh fuck Cedric, please don’t stop.” Your mewling voice begs needlingly, breathing heavily to keep yourself from falling over.

Cedric smiles into you and slowly teases his fingers around your entrance, tracing along the edge of your slit before sinking two long digits into your wetness. spots flash in front of your eyes as your head falls back against the wall. Cedric pulls and pushes his fingers in and out of you at a quick pace, twisting them around and bending slightly as your walls grow tighter around him. He uses his body to keep your legs from doubling over in pleasure and continues to ravage you with both his tongue and fingers. flicking and sucking at your bundle of nerves while thrusting his fingers in and out of your core. A familiar knot begins to form and you dig your hand into Cedric’s damp hair, pulling him closer to you and desperately rocking your hips against his face, desperate for any more friction he could give you. Cedric chuckles at your moaning form. Sending even more delicious vibrations to your sensitive clit, as moans mix with longing cries of your lover’s name. Cedric pulls his mouth away, bringing himself to a standing position, still burying his fingers in you, replacing his tongue with his calloused thumb to massage your throbbing bundle of nerves.

“You don’t know what you do to me darling. How does it make you feel that you give me a hard-on every time you lift that shirt up to wipe your face? Every time you bite that gorgeous lip, or flip your hair you’d have me wanting to bend you over and fuck you senseless.”

You try and respond, but the pleasure Cedric was giving to you was all your mind could take. The sound of his fingers pounding into your wet core and Cedric’s deep pants were driving you insane. You can only moan in response and crash your lips against his again. You can taste yourself as Cedric dips his tongue against yours, nibbling on your lip and picking up his pace with his fingers. A familiar knot forms in your abdomen and you have to pull away from Cedric’s lips to moan and arch your back even more, you can feel your walls clenching tighter against the rough fingers pounding in and out of you.

All at once the knot snaps and waves upon waves of euphoria washes over you and consuming your vision in white. Crying out Cedric’s name over and over again, the brunette helps you ride out your high, continuing to pulse his fingers in your clenching hole and kneeling down again to lap up your juices as you moan out and rock your hips gently, Cedric’s cock begins to twitch like mad watching he waves of cum spill from your core, but he takes his time, savoring every drop of your sex.

Cedric is practically beaming with pride as he stands again, holding the back of your head in his large hand.

“So sweet love.” He smirks, wiping a drop of your cum off of his bottom lip with his thumb and licking it off slowly, keeping direct eye contact with you. Your face was red, your legs quivering, and deep breaths sounding from your lips.

“I’m not done with you yet darling.” Cedric drops the towel from his waist and boxes you in his arms again.

“You won’t be able to walk when I’m through with you.” The toned seeker teases in a dark voice.

Feeling his length against your stomach you bite back a moan, fuck he was big. You were unsure what to do, but taking his twitching cock into your hand, you pump his length experimentally, receiving a soft moan in return. Picking up the pace, you spread the precum on his tip as a lubricant. Working your hand against him, he reconnects your lips, a soft whimper flowing from Cedric’s lips. You keep using your hand to pleasure your champion, but Cedric can’t take it anymore.

“I need to be inside of you darling.” Cedric rasps, reluctantly pulling your hand from his throbbing tip and wrapping his arms around you.

“jump.”

Without hesitation you leap up and wrap your legs around Cedric’s hips and he presses you against the wall for support.

“Ready Love?” Cedric smirks, his hands squeezing your ass and cock teasing your soft folds.

“Shut up and take me Diggory.”

Cedric wastes no time sinking into you, slowly at first, letting you adjust to his thick shaft, small grunts sounding from your lips as Cedric sink deeper.

“You’re taking me so well darling, f-fuck.” Cedric groans, sticking his head in the crook of your neck, nibbling on your sensitive skin and squeezing your hips.

Tears prick in your eyes as Cedric bottoms out in you, burying your hand in his wet brown curls you whimper at the feeling of being so full.

After a couple moments the pain turns to pleasure and you shimmy around motioning to Cedric it’s okay to move. The brunette begins to thrust in and out of you, slow at first, but soon finding a rhythm, pulling in and out of you in a quick pace, thrusting out to almost his tip before burying himself to the hilt inside you once again.

“Faster Cedric.” your pleading voice gasps and pleads.

Cedric obliges, snapping his hips back and forth to the point you see spots in your vision and you’re dragging your nails down your champions back. Cedric frantically presses his lips against yours again as he groans loudly. You swallow the moan in the kiss and cup your hands around Cedric’s defined jawline, pulling him closer and clenching your core in surprise as he pushes his thumb to your clit.

Your reaction pulls another breathy moan from Cedric, but his thrusts don’t stop. He continues to pound into you, his desire out weighing any tiredness that should’ve been.

Your loud moans only egg him on further. Your sinful, desperate pleas for more drive him insane. Arching your back and rolling your hips, Cedric pounds even further into you.

“Fuck Cedric, right there.” Your loud beg cries out and Cedric smirks, slamming his hips into your spot over and over again. Screams of pleasure and sighs of satisfaction fill the air. Wet sounds of skin on skin ring throughout the large bathroom as Cedric sinks deep into you with each needy thrust.

Parting your lips, another choked moan is pulled from your lips and your vision goes blank once again as your coil snaps and your grip tightens on Cedric. Your champion doesn’t stop, his thrusts are still merciless and needy, but as your slit clenches his cock in a tight hold, his thrust becomes lazier and he can feel his release coming soon.

“You make me feel so good Ced, I’ve had my hand in between my legs thinking about this for so long, o-oh fuck.” You moan in a teasing voice against the brunettes ear. You can feel Cedric’s upper body go rigid as he uses the last of his strength to snap his hips into yours like his life depended on it. Your dirty talk making him imagine your naked body lying on your bed, moaning out his name, probably only a hallway away from him. Years of lust and love fuel his next thrusts. Every time he’d painfully gotten hard because of you, every time he imagined you underneath him and making you scream his name in ecstasy was all coming true and groaning your name into the crook of your neck he snaps his hips in a desperate thrust one more time before releasing all over your tight walls, his body pulsing in euphoria sending shockwaves of pleasure through his entire being.

Your eyes roll back and your legs jolt at his powerful stream, thanking Merlin you had taken the potion to help with cramps not too long ago. You begin to roll your hips lazily to help Cedric ride out his orgasm, your core practically numb with pleasure and your entire body exhausted. Cedric is panting heavily, his hand buried in your hair and his other still supports your body. He gives your bum a small squeeze, your body still against the wall and his still pressed to yours in support, letting the warm water from the tap relax your tired muscles and wash the proof of your pleasures off of your legs, while still intimately connected.

Cedric smiles as he looks deep into your eyes, still panting heavily, but now with nervousness and a slight anxiety. He couldn’t keep his true feelings from you any longer.

“You know I love you right?” The hufflepuff head boy confesses, running a hand down the side of your face.

“I’d hope so, considering you just fucked me senseless.” You giggle and wrap your arms around Cedric’s toned shoulders.

Your giggle dies down to a grin and a pink blush makes it’s way onto your face as you look down to see the two of you still connected

“I love you too.” You smile earnestly, a smile playing on your lips and you press a kiss to Cedric’s pink cheek. “I’ve loved you since those days in fifth year when I trained with you, you don’t know how relieved I was you survived, and with Umbridge around I thought I might never get the chance to confess.” Your emotions come through and Cedric has to blink the pure happiness from his eyes to respond.

“I’ve loved you since the moment you came rushing into my arms after the maze, I had a crush on you before, but i’ll never forget when you said those words, I knew I’d never let you go.” Cedric’s smile falters a bit as your stare drops to his lips.

“C-can I kiss you?” His face grows closer to yours.

“Didn’t ask for permission while you were cumming in me.” You tease, peppering kisses all around Cedric’s handsome features as his face grows hot in embarrassment.

“I-Is that a yes?” He murmurs hopefully, your soft lips trailing down his jawline.

You smile and press a kiss to the corner of Cedric’s mouth.

“As long as I can be your girl.” You giggle.

Cedric immediately pushes his lips to yours in a more delicate, but wanting kiss. Taking his time now to show you his adoration and care for you. The sounds of your lips molding together sounding through the large shower. Cedric runs his tongue through your mouth again, slowly this time, sighing at the taste of your after-game drink and the light taste of strawberry chap stick that remained on the inside your lips, begging to be found and appreciated.

As Cedric continues to ravage your mouth you run your hands up and down his chest and abs, taking deep breaths of his autumn like scent. Campfire, vanilla and honey were the most prominent, while his aftershave also offered a sharp, wood like smell.

“I love you y/n, so much. It would be an honor to have you as my girl.” Cedric sighs against your lips, placing one final peck before pulling away and grinning like a little kid. A smile begins to form on your face.

“Hey, did you think you could, you know.” You awkwardly motion down towards where you were still intertwined. “My legs are kid of sore.” Cedric’s eyes widen in realization and he nods frantically, apologies spilling from his lips as he slowly pulls out of you with a small ‘pop.’ Cedric lowers your feet to the ground and begins to back up, but the sudden weight removed from your body made your legs forget how to move and you crash into Cedric’s chest again.

Your legs felt numb and you couldn’t get them to move properly without falling. Cedric does his best to hide his pride as your lips pull into a frown, but a small smirk emerges as he bites his lip to stop it. He glances down and also notices the small purple love bites littering your neck and he almost beams.

“I hope you’re happy with yourself Ced, I can’t walk.” You roll your eyes at his useless attempt to stop his smile.

“I am, and I must say you look absolutely ravishing sporting my love bites darling.” He grins darkly, but a light chuckle breaks free.

“Alright let’s get you dressed, come on.” Cedric turns the tap off before leaning over again and catching your legs in his arms, carrying you bridal style out of shower, grabbing your towel and gym bag on the way out.

Placing you down on a bench, he grabs his own fluffy, white towel from his bag. Using it to pat your hair and body dry, making sure to get every inch of your body, and being careful around your intimate parts as you winced often. Grabbing another school-provided towel, he pats his upper-body dry before tying the cloth around his waist. Shaking out his damp hair, he grabs your bag and places it next to you.

“Do you think you can do it yourself darling?” His voice is filled with concern, but you nod and zip open your bag. Cedric turns to his own clothes and after tugging on a pair of boxers and sweatpants, wipes his hair dry before throwing on a t-shirt.

He turns to see you in a black sports bra, tugging on a pair of black tights, but unable to get them up your bum. Cedric smirks, walking over to you and pulling you up, holding you against him as a support while you finally get the leggings on. He sits you back down before pulling a jumper out of his bag and slipping it over your head.

The sweater seems to swallow you whole and it takes a moment to find the holes for your arms. You thank Cedric and sigh at being engulfed in Cedric’s sweet scent, pulling the jumper over your nose and smiling in content.

“You look better in my clothes than I do.” Cedric smirks happily, pulling you up again and interlocking your hands.

“Well in that case I guess I’ll keep it.” You grin, slipping on your sneakers and following Cedric out the prefect bathroom to the best of your abilities, having to stop often due to the aftershock of Cedric’s desperate pounding. Finally resorting to Cedric carrying you once again. Thankfully Dolores and her goons seemed to be missing from the scene.

Finally making it back to the hufflepuff common room, Cedric sneaks you into his dorm and closes the canopy around his four poster bed. Breathing out in content, The head boy cuddles you into his chest and wraps his arms around your torso.

“Can’t believe you’re actually here on my bed with me, I’ve only dreamt of this.” Cedric murmurs giddily, leaning down to press a quick kiss to your nose.

You snake your arms around Cedric’s broad chest and cuddle closer to him.

“I’m never letting you go, you know that.” Your champion teases, kissing your hairline.

“I’m not going anywhere.” You reassure, closing your eyes tiredly and slowly drifting off, exhaustion from the day's activities getting to you.

Cedric peers down at you a happy smile resting on his lips as he too yawns and relaxes into his pillow. This day couldn’t have gone any better. He won the game, fucked you in the shower and now he’s cuddling you in his bed. His blush reappears onto his cheeks as your breathy moans engrave themselves into his brain, but pride takes over as he reminds himself it was him who made you moan like that. Peppering kisses on your forehead he finally closes his eyes and replays your evening with a small smirk.

This is my first time writing smut so tips would be appreciated!

#harry potter imagine #cedricsbrowncurls #cedric diggory fluff #cedric diggory smut #harry potter fandom #cedric smut #cedric diggory imagine #cedric diggory x reader #smut #fluff #shower smut #holy fuck #cedric diggory #cedric x y/n #cedric x you #hope you like it #nsfw.anya

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mjulmjul · 2 years

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hey! i am consistently in awe of your work, i genuinely adore it (I’d love to get prints of some of your pieces if that’s available anywhere 👀) but im writing to ask abt your technique and brushes! Im new to digital art, and i wanna create the sort of effect you make and i cannot for the life of me figure out how to do it! you have these strokes that look sort of like charcoal but also paint? also refracted light???? idk what program u use or anything and im just a noob still learning how to get the most out of the brushes that come w procreate, but even if you’re using a different program and stuff, I’d love to see if there’s anyway i can translate that effect somehow to the tools I’m using. It’s really cool stuff!! im sorry if you’ve already answered this somewhere 😅

hey! ok first off take anything i say with a grain of salt because 1. i'm self taught 2. there are many many ways to do art, there's no One Right Way. experiment and settle on what works best for you!

atm I basically only use procreate on ipad with an apple pencil.

I've compiled the brushes I use most into this post click here, I'd say download some sets and try them out! this seems to be a bit of an unpopular opinion because I regularly see advice to stick to the basic brushes however if you were making traditional art you wouldn't unnecessarily limit yourself to the cheapest brushes/paints either (assuming you could afford everything), so. go ham.

the main technique I use is a pretty common one where I use a big textured brush and then use a base color layer + clipping masks (you can google how to use these) or selection tool to get sharp edges. so I'll make a selection of the shape I want to paint and then paint within that selection. i often do this with light strokes and/or the brush on lower opacity so i'll keep texture. if you look at concept artists on instagram you'll see this technique used a lot too :) 'edge control' is a term to google to find more about hard/soft edges and how they'll improve your art!

for the light, even for digital art I would very very much recommend james gurney's book 'color and light' because it teaches you almost all you need to know about, well, color and light, and you can apply these principles to digital art too. it's well worth the price but if you can't afford it then there are perhaps some copies to be found online ;) for the actual method in procreate, I like to use layers on the add and screen blending modes, sparingly, and NOT with white highlights but with the actual color of the light e.g. yellow, blue-ish, etc. for stuff like wings, it's usually multiple layers stacked on top of each other!

(i am not organized)

as a final note i will add that i painted traditionally for years before starting digital art, so i do think that'll have influenced my approach in a couple ways because i basically took all that knowledge and methods into digital rather than starting from scratch.

#hope this is comprehensible and sorry for lack of more pics I just know it’d have taken even longer otherwise #feel free to dm me if you have more questions #if anyone is wondering about a specific painting let me know and i'll happily explain howeverrrr #am terrible with answering asks tho so pls be patient & just in case too many ppl ask i may not get around to all of it #not art #mjulmjul answertime #LONG post

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shewhotellsstories · 3 years

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i really dont wanna annoy you but you post about racism in fandom sometimes so i thought you'd be the right person to ask. i hope this doesnt come off as expecting u to be my teacher. yesterday someone said they didnt trust white zk shippers and i thought it was mean but then people started sending the them all these nasty messages and i started to worry maybe op was right. honestly a lot of this stuff is pretty new for me. i think our fandom is inclusive & unlike the rest of the atla fandom we actually like katara. but i'm trying to learn.

why would it be a problem that a lot of zk fics have katara looking after zuko? i always just felt like he needed it more bc he was abused and kataras better at dealing with feelings and she's good at taking care of people. is fire lady katara still ok? is there racism in our fandom? there are a lot of woc zks and i've seen them get hate for it. but the messages op got were pretty bad too. i know i'm asking a lot of questions i just hate the thinking that we might be as bad as the z*kka stans have been saying all year.

This is gonna get long so I’m just gonna jump right in. When I listened to fansplaining’s episode on fandom racism one of the guests said white fans who can acknowledge that fandom racism exists tend to frame it as “just a few bad apples” and get caught up in worrying about not looking like a “bad apple” instead of making fandoms spaces that aren’t hostile for BIPOC. Jag offs hiding behind anon to tell women of color who ship zutara that we have a creepy fetish for imperialism and colonialism suck, but your biggest concern really shouldn’t be the optics or if you can claim superiority over zukka stans.

Yeah the “katara’s a homophobe” nonsense didn’t come from our end of the fandom, but it feels naive at best or dishonest at worst to act like the zutara fandom is uniquely immune to fandom racism. A creator I follow made the excellent point that allyship conditional upon if a poc talks "nicely" about racism is still white supremacy. I believe poc need to be allowed to vent and be salty or angry without being tone-policed. I definitely have my days where I’m like “ugh white people,” or "why must white fans be like this," so I get where the OP was coming from. Ironically the folks that sent them anon hate proved their point. You can always count on hit dogs to hollar.

Fandom is only escapist for some people. It doesn’t exist in a vacuum so you’ll find racism in fandom because there’s racism in the world. Navigating that gets exhausting. There are certain things I enjoy, but for the sake of my sanity I'll only talk about it with friends in real life or only follow fans of color. Before I follow white fans I need to see first that they’re not the kind of person who inspires posts about fandom racism. A good friend of mine loves Star Wars, Kpop, and gaming but after years of attempts at calling in she decided that she’d only interact with woc in those spaces. Again, you get tired.

ATLA wasn’t on my radar until last year so I definitely haven’t read every zutara fic out there but I have noticed a lot of fics do tend to have Katara being the one comforting and supporting Zuko. It’s not inherently wrong of course, it’s just in the grand scheme of things in fiction woc are often cast as eternal caretakers and confidants in fiction:

“How characters of color are portrayed in fanworks, especially fanfiction, is worse than the actual films. They are portrayed as supportive, almost invisible understudies. Any characteristics which they possess in the [MCU] films are stripped and given to other white characters. It is not only erasure. It’s a theft of identity.

Characters of color are positioned within storylines to support the main, white characters. Even within the slash biracial pairings, the character of color is underdeveloped and in a position of servitude within the relationship.”

TheNavyLanguage, Fansplaining

As the quote above points out this honestly happens in a lot of fandoms. I’ve read fanfic for books, movies, tv shows, and comics and I can’t help but notice that in fics the writers often have the non-white character or-- if neither character is white--the darker skinned character being the care-taker, the bodyguard, or the person who is performing all the emotional labor. It’s not inherently wrong to have a character of color have a nurturing personality, you just have to remember that since Black and brown folks have been saddled with narrative after narrative where we exist to serve leaning into dynamics where the non-white or darker skinned character is providing all the emotional support and getting very little in return has some unfortunate implications.

It’s not better if instead of being defined as the avatar’s girl, Katara’s the fire lord’s girl. Part of the appeal of zutara for me is the idea that Katara could lay down some of her burdens and get some much needed support. I always imagine she’d have some major issues after the war.

"i always just felt like he needed it more bc he was abused and kataras better at dealing with feelings and she's good at taking care of people."

I’m going to push back against that statement. Yes, Katara didn't grow up in an abusive household but she has pain and trauma of her own. In fact I’d argue that her believing it’s her job to take care of everyone is rooted in her trauma. Katara needs support and care just as much as anyone else does.

Having read a lot of fics revolving around abuse victims in different fandoms I’ve observed that if fans feel a character’s trauma wasn’t properly addressed in canon, they’ll give them a lot of TLC in fics. But again, reducing the non-white or darker-skinned character to a glorified therapist has some implications.

I feel like the Fire Lady Katara headcanon's been talked to death so long-story short, it’s not inherently racist but it can problematic if it's not clear that Katara is Katara of the Water Tribe wherever she lives. Fics and art where her crown has a crescent moon, she wears blue, or Zuko wears blue when she's in red are the executions I'm fondest of.

When in doubt just listen when poc talk about uncomfortable trends in the fandom. Give fansplaining’s episodes on fandom racism a listen here, here, and here. And very loosely quoting my favorite professor just remember that if a marginalized person says they’re distrustful of a group of people or institution it usually happens after a lot of bad experiences. Don’t center your own comfort and hurt feelings.

“If we truly believe in fandom’s progressive credentials, then perhaps it is necessary for us to listen to critiques that make us uncomfortable rather than those that keep arguing that the status quo is perfectly acceptable—even as there is plenty of evidence to the contrary. Perhaps then we will be able to come at these, yes, these very complex and nuanced discussions with the type of openness and good faith that is required for them to succeed, rather than approaching them with hostility.”

-Rukmini Pande, Fansplaining

#asked and answered #zutara #katara #atla fandom crit #fandom racism

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cqlfeels · 3 years

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@lansplaining encouraged me to finish this random meta nobody asked for, so let's talk about Meng Yao, Meng Shi, and 孟母三遷 (mèng mǔ sān qiān), a proverb about good parenting.

A warning: this is super long (even for me!) and is less quality meta and more my ADHD brain jumping around a maze of loosely related ideas. Proceed with caution!

Let me start by briefly going through why I decided to write this, because it’s important. In haunting Meng Shi’s tag in my starvation for Meng Shi content, I’ve multiple times come across the idea that Meng Shi pushed Meng Yao too hard, that she should’ve been more careful with teaching him to seek his father’s approval at any cost, and that she was too naïve. I’ve never reblogged this kind of post because 1) I personally think it’s rude to go out of your way to ramble about how much you disagree with someone on their own post and 2) if this was an isolated incident I wouldn't care either way, so I didn’t want to direct this rant at anyone in particular. It’s more to do with a tendency, primarily (as far as I can tell) from fans who haven’t had much contact with Chinese culture, to oversimplify Meng Shi and make her relationship with Meng Yao slightly disturbing, and I think part of it is due to CQL basically cutting out her entire storyline (so fans simply don’t have info about her to assess her fairly) and part is due to misunderstanding what a good parent is supposed to act like in the context of Ancient China.

[Of course, Ancient China is not a very useful historical concept, not any more than “ye olde Europe” - things change a lot based on time and place - but you know. It’s fantasy. Extremely broad trends are okay in this case.]

Anyway, the idea behind the posts I mentioned is, basically, that Meng Shi (usually through no fault of her own) is to blame for Meng Yao’s obsession with power, since his desire for approval was inherited from lessons she taught him. Just to start with, I’d argue that Meng Yao isn’t power-hungry as much as he craves security and respect, but that’s a different meta. Let’s assume that she really did teach him to be Like That. Was she wrong to do so? I’m not looking for “does that make for a happy, well-adjusted childhood?” or “would you raise your own son as Meng Shi did?” - I’m trying to figure out, would she have been considered a bad mother in the context of the society she lived in? I don’t think she would’ve.

It is surprisingly hard to find texts about the obligations of parents in Ancient China. Their main obligation is to raise filial children, but I feel like that’s not very useful: whether or not parents are good parents, children are expected to be filial, so a child being filial really says more about the child than about the parent. Maybe the parent completely missed the mark and society at large was what taught the child to be filial!

We can assume, of course, that parents were to raise good people, and that by learning what a good person looked like, we could figure out whether the parent was successful, but once again, I feel like that’s pinning things on the outcome, not on the process - the best of parents can end up with an awful kid and vice versa.

While thinking about all this, it took me a frankly embarrassing amount of time to remember the story of Mother Meng and Meng Zi, but once I did, it wouldn’t leave my mind - in part because the Meng here is the exact same Meng of Meng Shi and Meng Yao (yay! fun if useless parallel!), and in part because this is a story about how a woman can successfully raise a son by herself.

Okay, so important note: one of the most influential ancient Chinese thinkers is Meng Zi (孟子 Mèng Zǐ), who is known in the West as Mencius. If you've never heard of him - he's perhaps second in importance only to Confucius. When Mencius was still a young child, his father died, so he was raised by his mother, who is usually known only as Mother Meng (in Chinese, 孟母 Mèng Mǔ.)

Mother Meng's story is told in Biographies of Exemplary Women (列女傳 Liènǚ Zhuàn), which for around 2000 years beginning around the 18th century BCE, was the most commonly used book used to educate women. The book is divided into sections, each one showing a different way women could be honorable and good. Mother Meng's story is told in the Maternal Models section (母儀傳 Mǔ Yí Zhuàn.) The story has a few parts, some of which I'll quote, always from Kinney's 2014 translation.

Before I go on to quote it, though, I'd like to establish that Mother Meng's story is so, so famous that even if Meng Shi had never read this particular book, I'm almost certain she would've been familiar with at least the outlines of Mother Meng's story. I'm not cherry picking a suitable chapter from the book, I'm literally going with the most famous story in it because Meng Shi would be most likely to know this one if she knew no other story.

Okay, the first part of the tale takes place when Mencius is a young boy and Mother Meng is a widow raising him.

The mother of Meng Ke of Zou [a different name for Mencius] was called Mother Meng. She lived near a graveyard. During Mencius’ youth, he enjoyed playing among the tombs, romping about pretending to prepare the ground for burials. Mother Meng said, “This is not the place to raise my son.” She therefore moved away and settled beside the marketplace. But there he liked to play at displaying and selling wares like a merchant. Again Mother Meng said, “This is not the place to raise my son,” and once more left and settled beside a school. There, however, he played at setting out sacrificial vessels, bowing, yielding, entering, and withdrawing. His mother said, “This, indeed, is where I can raise my son!” and settled there. When Mencius grew up, he studied the Six Arts, and finally became known as a great classicist. A man of discernment would say, “Mother Meng was good at gradual transformation.”

According to the translator's footnote, "gradual transformation" is "a childrearing technique, whereby a child is morally formed through daily exposure to correct models of behavior."

From this story comes the proverb 孟母三遷 (Mèng Mǔ sān qiān) - "Mother Meng moved three times." It's come to mean that a parent - especially the mother of a male child - should spare no efforts to provide an environment that will give their child a good education, paying particular attention to what models are surrounding them.

I'm sure I don't need to say if Meng Shi was at all familiar with this proverb (and she would probably be), she must have been very stressed out over literally raising her son in a brothel. (Here I must mention sex workers in ancient China were often essentially owned by the brothels, so literally "moving three times" wasn't really an option for Meng Shi even if she could miraculously pick up another trade.) Meng Shi did however at least try to surround Meng Yao with the accomplishments appropriate for the son of a cultivator:

Xiao-Meng, are you still learning those things lately? [...] The things your mom wants you to learn, things like calligraphy, etiquette, swordsmanship, meditation… How are those things going? [...] His mom’s raising him as a young master of a wealthy family. She taught him how to read and write, bought him all those swordsmanship pamphlets, and even wants to send him to school.

Meng Yao actually talks a little bit about “those swordsmanship pamphlets” in the only time in canon he directly shares memories about this mother:

Lan XiChen, “Your [guqin] skills are also considered quite fine outside of Gusu. Were they taught by your mother?”

Jin GuangYao, “No. I taught myself by watching others. She never taught me such things. She only taught me reading and writing, and bought a handful of expensive sword and cultivation guides for me to practice.”

Lan XiChen seemed surprised, “Sword and cultivation guides?”

Jin GuangYao, “Brother, you haven’t seen them before, have you? Those small booklets sold by the common folk. First jumbled sketches of human figures, then deliberately mystified captions.”

Lan XiChen shook his head, smiling. Jin GuangYao shook his head as well, “All of them are scams, especially to fool women like my mother and ignorant children. You won’t lose anything by practicing them, but you definitely won’t gain anything either.”

He sighed in a rueful way, “But how could my mother have known this? She bought them no matter how expensive they were, saying that if I returned to see my father in the future, I had to see him with as much competence as possible so that I don’t fall behind. All of the money was spent on this.”

See what’s happening? Meng Shi cannot physically take Meng Yao to cultivators, but she spares no efforts in giving him the closest thing she possibly can -- figuratively, we might say she moved three times.

Of course, these booklets don’t work, but as Meng Yao says, how could she have known this? The cultivation world is very closed off - think of how the entire Mo household gathers to see Lan juniors, and how Wei Wuxian mentions once that “Cultivation families, in the eyes of common folk, are like people favored by God, mysterious yet noble.” Not just noble, but mysterious. That tracks, too - I mean, they live in inaccessible households and mostly leave to night hunt or visit each other, neither of which is an activity that would allow commoners to get much more than an occasional glimpse of them.

Now, if Meng Shi doesn’t even know that a pearl for Jin Guangshan was just a trinket, if she doesn’t know even the wealth of a major sect, how can she read booklets and decide whether that’s genuine cultivation or not? All that she sees is a chance for Meng Yao to be surrounded by the ideas and skills of the people she wants him to emulate - cultivators - and therefore she does everything she can to get him that chance. Mother Meng moved three times.

Okay, but maybe the argument is not “Meng Shi shouldn’t have pushed Meng Yao to cultivation” but rather “she should’ve pushed him, just not too hard." To that, I present another tale from Mencius' childhood:

Once, when Mencius was young, he returned home after finishing his lessons and found his mother spinning. She asked him, “How far did you get in your studies today?” Mencius replied, “I’m in about the same place as I was before.” Mother Meng thereupon took up a knife and cut her weaving. Mencius was alarmed and asked her to explain. Mother Meng said, “Your abandoning your study is like my cutting this weaving. A man of discernment studies in order to establish a name and inquires to become broadly knowledgeable. By this means, when he is at rest, he can maintain tranquility and when he is active, he can keep trouble at a distance. If now you abandon your studies, you will not escape a life of menial servitude and will lack the means to keep yourself from misfortune. How is this different from weaving and spinning to eat? If one abandons these tasks midway, how can one clothe one’s husband and child and avoid being perpetually short of food? If a woman abandons that with which she nourishes others and a man is careless about cultivating his virtue, if they don’t become brigands or thieves, then they will end up as slaves or servants.” Mencius was afraid. Morning and evening he studied hard without ceasing. He served Zisi [a great scholar whose grandfather was Confucius] as his teacher and then became one of the most renowned classicists in the world.

Notice that Mother Meng moved three times to ensure Mencius would have the highest of aspirations - to become a scholar. But just aspiration isn’t enough. Not by any means. Now that Mencius is actually studying, Mother Meng is willing to take an extreme action to ensure he's taking it seriously. Mencius doesn't have a father to smooth his path to success. He has to learn that aspiring to greatness isn't enough. He'll have to put in the effort as if his life depended on it. And if he doesn't persist in his hard work, everything he's done thus far will be useless. Sounds like a lesson imparted on young Meng Yao, doesn’t it?

A lot of fandom rage towards Meng Shi would apply to China's Best Mom Contender, Mother Meng. She gives her son big dreams, and teaches him how to go about achieving them in a society where failing is easier than succeeding. Yes, it's fair to say that Meng Shi taught Meng Yao to refuse to settle for anything less than being “Jin Guangshan's son, a respected cultivator.” Yes, it's also fair to say that she probably didn't allow him much time to play like children his age did. But unfortunately, in the world of MDZS, poor children probably wouldn't get to play anyhow, the difference is that they'd usually be working, not studying. Studying is a privilege! It’s a privilege Meng Yao could not afford but was given to him anyway, through his mother’s many sacrifices. We can even say that while she was alive, Meng Shi was trying to ensure Meng Yao would one day have a better life, at the expense of a fun childhood - and that's very Mother Meng of her, whatever our modern Western sensibilities might have to say about that.

Finally, I’d skip other tales (which show Mother Meng and an adult Mencius) and go straight to the poem that ends the Mother Meng section:

The mother of Mencius

Was able to teach, transform, judge, and discriminate.

With skill she selected a place to raise her son,

Prompting him to accord with the great principles.

When her son’s studies did not advance,

She cut her weaving to illustrate her point.

Her son then perfected his virtue;

His achievements rank as the crowning glory of his generation.

I’d like to focus on the last verse - “His achievements rank as the crowning glory of his generation.” All that Mother Meng wanted was for Mencius to not completely ruin his life, but he became great. You can so very easily see a parallel with how Meng Shi hoped Meng Yao would be a cultivator but he became Jin Guangyao, Chief Cultivator, styled Lianfang-zun, one of the Three Venerable, hero of the Sunshot Campaign.

Of course you can say “Jin Guangyao did many Very Wrong Things to get there, though!” Which, sure, okay, fair point. How many and how wrong depends on which canon we're discussing, and your own interpretation, but there’s no version of the story in which Jin Guangyao is 100% an innocent child uwu. But blaming that on Meng Shi is just... straight up weird? I don’t see anyone going “If Jiang Fengmian hadn’t adopted Wei Wuxian, he’d never have dared become Yiling Laozu!” and that’s pretty much the same logic. Would street kid Wei Wuxian have invented a new type of cultivation if he had never been taken in by the Jiang? Probably not, but raising undead armies is very much not something Jiang Fengmian could’ve predicted. In the same way, how could Meng Shi have predicted that teaching her pre-adolescent son “You are the son of a cultivator, act like one and earn your place in society” would’ve ultimately resulted in innocent deaths? How could she predict “You’re not destined to having the same horrible life I did, you can get something better than this” was a bad thing to teach? I quite honestly don’t know.

Finally, I'd like to point towards a much flimsier evidence that Meng Shi did great as a parent. And that is Meng Yao’s love. Nie Huaisang at some point comments Meng Shi is someone who Meng Yao "cherishes more than his life," and I think his assessment is correct.

Even putting aside the fact he built a whole temple to get his mother to reincarnate into a better life, and even putting aside how he refuses to flee the country without her remains, there's still crystal clear evidence that Meng Shi must've done something right. Because a lifetime of people using his mother to bully him doesn't seem to have made Meng Yao resent her. Had their relationship not have been very strong, odds are he'd feel bitter and/or ashamed of her. That doesn't seem to be the case. He's attached to her even decades after her death.

I want to be very careful with equating mutual affection with good parenting, though. When I was a rather rebellious teenager, my mother (in typical Chinese fashion) used to say that parents and children don't have to love each other as long as they're dutiful to each other, by which she meant that a parent-child relationship isn't informed by warm and fuzzy feelings, but by whether you'd be willing to do anything for each other. Specific to my case, she meant "I don't care if it makes you hate me, you will do as you're told because that's what's best for you." (That may also be the reason why people more familiar with Chinese culture see the Jiang family less as outright abusive and more as #complicated, but that's another meta.)

Whether your kid wants to hug you every time they see you is of no consequence to traditional Chinese thought - raising them to be the best they can is all that matters, because at the end of the day, you won't be around forever, but you can definitely set up your kid's life so that it goes smoothly and virtuously. How that's accomplished varies depending on many factors, but to have the goal be "I want my child to love me" rather than "I want to raise my child right" would've been considered selfish as hell.

So even if all that Meng Shi had given Meng Yao had been stern lessons about the need to go get his birthright, she would've still have been considered a good mother!! In fact, she would've been doing everything she was supposed to do, under extremely difficult conditions! (Remember the importance of environment? That Meng Yao grew up to want to be a cultivator despite having probably never even met one speaks wonders about Meng Shi's childrearing powers!!)

But just based off how over the top Meng Yao's filal dutifulness is, I'd go a step further and say that even as she did the impossible, she was also loving enough to inspire genuine affection. This is complicated because children who have present fathers could expect their mothers to be tender with them. The first century BCE text 禮記 Lǐ Jì or The Classic of Rites says that:

Here now is the affection of a father for his sons - he loves the worthy among them, and places on a lower level those who do not show ability; but that of a mother for them is such, that while she loves the worthy, she pities those who do not show ability - the mother deals with them on the ground of affection and not of showing them honour; the father, on the ground of showing them honour and not of affection.

But when the father figure is lacking for any reason, the mother must abandon her tenderness because someone must guide the child, and without a father, the role falls to the mother. A single or widowed mother had to be very careful to not smother their children with affection and raise useless, spoiled kids, or so it was thought. (The presence of Qingheng-jun and Lan Qiren is why Madame Lan can be so affectionate with the Lan boys, by the way - if she was raising them by herself she would've been expected to be much more practical. AUs where she just gets her kids and runs away could do very cool things with this idea. But I digress!)

Where was I? Oh, okay. Because Meng Yao seems to not just respect, but actively miss her, it seems that Meng Shi somehow managed to deal with her son on the ground of both honor and affection, to paraphrase.

So basically, all things considered, it seems not only would Meng Shi have been considered a great mom (if people could look past her being a prostitute, anyway) but she also went above and beyond the bare minimum. She truly spared no efforts on any front to make sure her son had everything your average gongzi would have - someone to teach him and someone to love him, access to education and confidence in his birthright. That she couldn't actually make him a cultivator, that she couldn't actually raise him in a proper home with no one being cruel to herself or him - that's immaterial. Even Mother Meng couldn't control what her neighbors did, only what she taught her son! The key point is Meng Shi tried. She did everything she could to educate her son right. You couldn't ask more of her, and quite honestly, you should probably be asking less.

Of course we can't err on the other extreme and say she was Perfect. Given MXTX only ever writes flawed characters, we can safely assume that if we'd known more about Meng Shi, we would've seen many flaws. Indeed, just the fact she didn't teach Meng Yao the guqin when he apparently wanted to learn it might point to some conflict we don't know enough to speculate about (maybe she focused too much on cultivation when Meng Yao's interests lay elsewhere? Maybe she wasn't able to sufficiently shelter him and he felt it'd be a burden to ask her to teach him anything? Maybe maybe maybe, go wild with your fics.) Nevertheless, I would never hold a female character to a higher ideal than a male character - if the male cast of MDZS can be a hot mess and still be admirable for what they're trying to do, then so can Meng Shi.

At the end of the day, when I look at Meng Shi - and I've made myself a document with all the references to her in the novel canon so I could easily contemplate her life and character - all I see is a woman every bit as determined and resourceful as her son, willing to do everything it took to raise her little boy into the sophisticated and ambitious man he became.

Finally, here's a fun little parallel that I'm 100% sure was unintentional but I still love. I said Meng Shi couldn't have moved three times. She couldn't, but I think maybe she taught her son he was worth moving three times for. Qinghe Nie. Qishan Wen. Lanling Jin. Isn't that super fun to think about?

Alternatively, tl;dr: Oh My God I Can't Believe We're Blaming Women For The Actions Of Their Adult Children In The Year Of Our Lord 2k21, Meng Shi Was Doing Her Best, Chill!

#drinking game #take a shot every time i say 'finally'#this post refused to let me get to the end of it lol #i think because i'm extremely salty about fanon stage mom meng shi #(to not say tiger mom meng shi which crosses into outright racism. but i'm giving people the benefit of the doubt)

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