#I think Alfred should be insane honestly

[bitterrobin]

Either I make multiple housekeeper ocs for my au or at least half of Wayne Manor is kept boarded up indefinitely. Sorry to burst people's bubbles but there is no conceivable way Alfred by himself is cleaning the entire mansion.

I've grown up helping my mother (who otherwise works alone w chronic back pain) clean middle to upper class homes here in SoCal. In very white oriented areas with housewives and large families with dogs and good financial situations. Now, there's a huge difference between large modern homes that have only two maybe three floors and the entire floor plan of a mansion that's at minimum built in the 1800s and has 30 rooms. But fundamentally the problems with upkeep are the same. You need to sweep all the floors, mop, wipe the baseboards, vacuum every carpet. You need to wipe clean windows, fans, HC units, lightbulbs, staircases, every surface used constantly - kitchen countertops, bathroom counters, showers/bathtubs/toilets. You need to do laundry, not only clothes, but towels and bedding used by the owners and the rags you use to clean. Fold that laundry. Make the beds. Take out every full trashbag and haul it out of the house. Wash dishes daily. Put those dishes away. Occasionally remind the owner that maybe a light needs fixing, there's a hole in their daughter's sweater, the dog peed inside, that their son tends to stuff trash under the couch cushions and now they have an ant infestation.

On average, with my help, it takes my mom 4-5 hours for one two-floor house. Takes longer by herself. That's not even getting into the amount of people and pets. If there's kids, you need to clean after their spaces more than the adults. With babies, there's diapers and toys all over. With dogs or cats there's always always fur to pick up. The bigger the family, the busier they are, the messier the house. And thats all for a housekeeper that visits every week and gets paid in numbers ranging from 6$0 to $100. (And often people will forget to pay you and you have to stretch out your budget for weeks and weeks and then they pay you and they forget again next month).

For Alfred, as an official butler and employee, he lives at the manor. There's no cost for him that comes from travel (no car to pay for fuel) or cleaning supplies (Bruce probably pays for them). But everything else? Not to mention the added chaos factor of BEING VIGILANTES. Alfred not only upkeep the house they live in, but prepares food, clothing, scheduling, and cleans the Batcave and feeds the bats, at least two large dogs, and one cat. Theres multiple cars and vehicles, guns, weaponry, technology to watch out for (and I know the average fanon enjoyer doesn't know Harold Allnut should be doing that). He picks Bruce's clothes and dresses him for godssake. Hell, Alfred even operates the Batcomputer when needed every night. He does their medical care (and people forget about Leslie yet again, even regarding her relationship w Bruce, still. still.) That's too much for one old man.

Realistically, either Bruce has a full house staff like nobles used to have, or Alfred simply does not do as much as people think. He's old. Forever aging. There's not going to be 20+ plus rooms ready all the time for people to sleep in. At best, the residents of the Manor are Bruce, Tim, and Damian. At best, their bedrooms are kept clean daily. All the other bedrooms are cleaned maybe monthly. The rooms that aren't bedrooms (foyers/attics etc) maybe every other month. Groceries are multiple day events. Same with cooking full meals, dietary plans. Galas and business functions require weeks and months. The pets take days for veterinary care and training. The kids all together take weeks, days individually and together. And they not only look at you as a butler but as family. You are responsible for their wellbeing, emotions whether you like it or not (bc Alfred frankly enables Bruce too much but thats for another day).

Only saving grace he has is that recently not many people live there anymore. Stephanie and Helena and Kate and Barbara shouldn't be living there in the first place. Dick and Jason have their own places. Tim and Cassandra are up in the air but I don't think they spend 100% of their time in the Manor because they're young adults with various circumstances.

[fanfic-writer-and-rambler]

Six days without sleep?!

Apparently in the comics it's explained that Bruce Wayne makes up for lost hours by ‘micro sleeping’. Which isn't recommended for normal humans… I honestly think Superman needs a proper sleep.

I headcanon that he goes days without sleep and then crashes randomly (usually Alfred spiking his drink sleep meds so he can get some good sleep) and sleeps for like eighteen hours and pretends he didn't fall asleep at a stop sign.

Superman, Wonder Woman and Green Lantern are waiting at the Justice League headquarters for Batman to enter. They have planned an intervention for the man.

Wonder Woman (checking her phone for a text): He'll be up here soon.

Superman: All right, when he comes in here we have to be understanding and not attack him.

Green Lantern: We're like that to him almost all the time. He will threaten us with a contingency plan for the most minor critique. He just weaves it into the conversation at random.

Wonder Woman (nods): He's not wrong. He told Aquaman he'd use plan 50 on him because the man told him to sit down to rest his injured leg… Such a cruel and strange contingency plan.

Superman: That was weeks ago. In the past, we just have to talk to him calm and kind because he's our friend.

Green Lantern: Co-worker.

Superman: Friend! A friend intervention is what he needs. He'll hear us out.

Hal (Green Lantern) shakes his head with doubt. The elevator door opens and Batman walks out.

Superman: Hey buddy, pal ol mine. How you doing?

Batman slowly turns to Superman.

Batman: I'm not going to sleep!

Superman: How did you know we were going to ask that?

Batman: Because you've asked it… two hundred times in the past. I'm fine... my body is stronger than your fortress of solitude!

Wonder Woman: You're really not fine. You poured coffee on your hand yesterday.

Batman: That was a simple accident... that woke me up when I did it.

Green lantern (frustrated): Dude, you have been awake for SIX days! Your mind has not had one minute to rest, you have a stream of consciousness that hasn’t been turned off and- Batman!

Batman has stared off at the side as he silently zones out. Wonder Woman claps her hands in front of Batman’s face snapping him back to reality.

Green lantern: You should not be alive! How the actual hell are you alive?

Batman: Simple answer… I am built different from all of you! I can go months without sleep if I want to! I am the strongest one here and...

Batman steps back, blinks and falls to the ground.

Superman: Oh my God!

GL (expecting this): Give him five seconds.

Five seconds pass. Batman springs to his feet.

Batman: Blacked out for a second... Where was I? I can withstand months without sleep cause I am the one!

Superman (shocked): What the fuck was that?!

Batman: What was what?

WW: You just fell unconscious for like five seconds!

Batman: It was five this time? Nice.

GL (crossing his arms with a smirk): Guys, he’s right we should just leave it alone.

Superman: What the heck are you talking about?

GL: I’m speaking for Batman, cuz clearly the dude is showing us that he has the will power, the machismo if you will, to take micronaps and wake up with ease. Ain't that right, Batman?

Batman's head dip down as he stares at the floor. Wonder Woman walks over to him and claps her hands in his face again. His head shoots back up.

Batman(exhaling): Yup, yup, yup! I'm going to go outside and get sunlight. I'll be back!

Batman runs out of the room taking the stairs.

Wonder Woman and Superman glare at Hal. He chuckles with a shrug.

Green Lantern: I told you he wasn’t going to listen. At least he didn't bring up a contingency plan although the zoning out he’s having is definitely affecting his critical thinking.

Wonder Woman: Astute assessment.

Green Lantern: Thanks, dude.

Superman groans.

Superman: How are we going to fix this. I can’t let my best buddy go insane or worse.

Wonder Woman: You realize your friendship with him is one sided and he sees you as a colleague?

Superman: Not true. Not true. Our sons are friends so that means we are friends.

Wonder Woman rolls her eyes.

WW: Back to the main point, what are we going to do next?

GL: Not worry about it? Yeah, that. He's about to crash at any second.

Arrow runs into the room frantic.

Arrow: Batman just fell down the stairs and is knocked out!

GL: And there's the crash. I'll drag him back up.

WW (raising her eyebrow): You've dealt with this, haven't you?

GL: Duh. I’ll be back.

Wonder Woman turns to Superman.

WW: Unaware your buddy has a shut down eventually?

Superman (sheepishly): It may have escaped my mind.

[hanihazeljade]

Therapy

Tim has been seeing a therapist, and he decided to listen. Finally.

Disclaimer: I am not a psychiatrist and I just heard on Tiktok about the therapy part of this drabble. The tiktok account was from Dr. Julie.

(Warning: swear words)

Tim knows he is a messed up human being. Being a child crime fighter and then being an orphan is really cool, and depressing at the same time.

Tim has witnessed a lot of stuff that will put people in a lot of trauma. He just quirky like that. But one therapy session definitely change a lot of his thoughts.

It started as a casual therapy of Timothy expected and when she pull out two fish tanks and a toy fish, he was impressed.

"Timothy, pretend that this fish is you." his therapist said as she crank the toy and dropped it in the water tank. "Imagine that this fish tank is your life. When you were born, it's clear and not a single dirty thing in it, but once you grow up, problems starts to create and it can be toxic to you." she explained as she dripped a bottle of brown liquid to the tank. "If the fish is living in a toxic environment, the fish will eventually get sick." she said as she pulled the fish out of the water.

"You pull out the fish of that toxic environment and put in a new clean environment," she said as she dropped the fish to the clear water, "...and it helps. It gets better. But once you return the fish to the dirty tank, it doesn't matter how clean the water in the other tank, it will eventually wear down the fish."

Timothy can see where this is going.

"The fish is you. You were neglected in your younger years and then everything got taken away from you. With everything got stacked up in your life, it gotten more and more toxic, you need to change your environment, Timothy. Take a break for a week, be selfish for a moment and see if it can help you." she said and they end the therapy there.

Timothy should not even thinking about getting a vacation, crime doesn't stop just because you are depressed. But her words echoed through his mind, "Be selfish for a moment." and he filed for a leave of absence and he doesn't wait for it to be approved as he took a flight to Melbourne. He is insane for taking a flight at the other side of Gotham, but he felt it, the electrifying sensation that he once felt running around the Gotham taking pictures of Batman.

He felt thrill and adrenaline in his veins and he found himself smiling at this feeling.

+++++

Melbourne is amazing, except for spiders and the fucking city was almost called Batmania, fucking hell.

That week was spent on sleeping and just sight-seeing and honestly, he wanted to take a break from now.

But just like what his therapist said, no matter how clear the water during his break, now that he is in the toxic tank, he was already tired.

The glare that he got from Bruce and Dick is a little degrading and Alfred's disappointed face was the last string that snap that made him finally realise that he doesn't need them to be happy. He doesn't need a 'family' that the reason of him to go to the therapy.

This is the muddy water for him. Not just the Wayne Manor but the whole Gotham.

He was still in the middle of a lecture of Bruce's when he whipped a white envelope with his resignation letter on it. He is resigning to everything that has connection to Gotham or even the America itself. He just smiled at Bruce and left the cave to go to the garage of the Manor where his Jaguar is.

He sort of black out what happen because the next thing he knew was that he was in a plane to Taiwan. He has no idea but he have a suitcase and himself. He smiled at himself and he is letting the fate be his navigator in this chapter of his life.

[raineydays411]

My Fathers Daughter pt 11

Okay! so here's part 11 <3

It has been so busy in my life lately, I just started a new job so I'm getting used to that. I'm also thinking of starting a patron? But honestly I don't think I'm good enough to charge people to read my stuff plus I'd feel bad.Idk if thats something I should look into let me know.

Summary: This is basically set up for the more important chapters

You are going crazy.

Like literally insane. You might end up on the news honestly.

These people are driving you insane. And it's so boring! After the initial feeling of anger and resentment passed, and that awkward conversation with Dick you made a decision.

You were going to make the best of this situation. There was no point in wallowing in self pity when you were already there. Just like Jason said, you can let the anger consume you or you can make it work.

You're making it work.

You started out slowly. As much as the thought of just walking out and pretending like everything was normal amuses you, you realize that it may not be the best choice given that you have been surly most of your stay here. So you made a plan.

First you started by waking up early and offering to help Alfred with breakfast. Because of there was anyone you wanted to win over it was him. He was certainly surprised at the offer but didn't turn you down. He had you mixing the pancake batter because the one time he let you try, you ended up burning the pan and the pancake. Hey, you were still a rich kid no matter how independent you were. You also set the table, and while you were doing that everyone started waking up and coming down stairs.

No surprise that Christine was the first one down.

"Y/n!" She says in shock," Good morning! What..what are you doing? Is everything okay?"

You look up from the plates you were setting down, "Uh..yeah, I just..I just wanted to see if Alfred needed any help."

Christine, despite the common consensus, was not a dumb woman by any means. She knows that she has come on wayyy too strongly when it comes to mending her relationship with you. She really couldn't help it, the guilt has been eating her alive. But seeing you here, downstairs talking Alfreds ear off and setting the table, makes her want to take a step back and recalculate her approach. So, instead of loading you with questions and offers to have girl time woth you, she simply beams a bright, genuine smile and says

"I'm glad you did, Alfred tends to overwork himself even though he won't admit it." Smiling when she hears Alfred scoff from the kitchen, " Thank you."

You stare at her. Not really knowing what exactly to say, but you're saved from responding when Tim and Damian come stomping down the stairs, bickering.

"I am telling you only once Timothy, the next time you hog the shower-"

'Damian dude there are like five other bathrooms, why do you insist on using-" "You know that that shower has the best water pressure!"

The arguing ceases when they notice you downstairs.

"Oh, so you're taking to ruining our day before it even begins then" Damian says snidely.

"Oh yeah," You reply, " Nothing makes me get up faster in the morning than the thought of specifically ruining the day of a preschooler."

Damian just tsks and takes a seat. The glares of his mother and butler daring him to make another remark that might scare you off.

Tim just looks at the two of you and flashes you a soft smile saying a quick good morning and takes a seat. He really doesn't know what to do around you. He has a feeling that maybe the two of you can get along, but so far the hostility you harbor towards his mother figure has really put him off you. Logically of course he understands, the history the two of you have is enough to make anyone hate his mothers' actions. But despite that, Christine is his mother. And he's only known you for a few months. he also feels that even if there is bad blood between you and Christine, there is no reason to take it out on his brothers. They didn't directly have a hand in Christines actions. But again, your hard feelings make sense. It was a very complex situation.

Bruce was the last one to come down. He was already dressed in a nice suit and tie, kissing Christine on the cheek and mumbling a quick good morning to the boys. Upon seeing you at the table, he pauses, gives a soft smile and ruffles your hair with a "good morning Y/n, thank you for setting the table." Grabbing his quick breakfast and nodding goodbye.

It leaves you stunned. He acted so casually, as if you've been setting tables here you're whole life. But that might be the one thing you appreciate about Bruce you're entire stay here.

The rare times you would leave your room and be in his presence, he would treat you just as he treated his other children. There was no forced conversations or abrasive and demanding questions. No ill will towards you because of the circumstances. Just Bruce rolling and adapting with the punches.

You guessed that maybe him being Batman, he's probably deducted that you don't like the way everyone (Christine and Dick) has made such a big fuss over you being at the Manor. Or maybe he's just adopted enough kids to know what tactics work and what don't.

Who knows.

Breakfast goes by without too much conversation, except for a few snide remarks from Damian that everyone ignores. And the day goes by pretty slowly. Until night time.

Now, you knew coming to Gotham that it's basically the Crime Capital of America. But actually being in the city watching it from your living room is a whole other story.

Joker is loose in the city causing absolute mania. He has taken over the main hospital, lacing ivs with his poison, causing hundreds of patients to go insane. The screams and manic laughter can be heard from outside the hospital, that is being featured on the news. Just watching through your screen and knowing that you aren't able to get a first person POV is absolutely killing you.

The manor is silent all night. You go downstairs to ask Alfred some questions and he is nowhere to be found. Neither is Christine or Bruce. Damian gone. Tim? nowhere . Dick and Jason not there. The girls are missing as well.

Now, if you were anyone other than Tony Starks daughter, you would find the disappearance of the Wayne family during Jokers terrorist event to be pretty concerning. However you did manage to inherit some of your fathers smarts and managed to deduce that Bruce Wayne was the vigilante Batman and his sons were his sidekick Robin. Honestly you found out a long time ago when you were trying to hack into Wayne enterprises to pull a prank when your father came back from a gala annoyed. But now you were just getting stir crazy.

You were watching as all these innocent people were getting their minds turned on them in their most vulnerable moments. And it seems as if Batman is having a hard time creating an antidote as well as contain the hospital grounds. So you do what you do best and hack into the Batcomputer. You skim through files about previous interactions with the Joker and his venom, noting that this man has been basically let off the hook wayyyy to easily for the atrocities he commits but that none of your business.

You manage to find a pattern when it comes to the way that the Joker creates his venom and the additional components he adds to it to make it more potent. This most recent upgrade, he had to add a certain chemical that wouldn't burn the victims veins upon entry and would quickly affect their minds. There was one chemical that you knew about when you were researching Hydras mind controlling tactics back when you had first met Bucky and wanted to help him. Immediately you realize that it is the same chemical that the Joker must have put into the IVs and rush out to tell somebody.

Only, nobody's in the manor. Amd you have no idea how to reach them.

So, you figure that Bruce must have a "secret lair" of some sort and got exploring. You honestly get lost a couple of times, and come across a grandfather clock, noticing that the time is wrong. You move the hands, hearing a hiss and scraping. You turn and see the staircase behind a bookshelf.

Bingo.

You slowly walk to the door, heart pounding.

Despite being occasionally involved in your fathers infamous superhero lifestyle, you didn't know how Bruce and the others will react to you being upfront about your knowledge of their double life. So far, they have been content on ignoring the fact that you have hinted multiple times about you knowing their secret. Even Jason will redirect conversations if you mention the strange lack of vigilante activity that Gotham was to famous for. For the few months you have been in Gotham, it seems as if anything having to do with the Bat, whether its news articles or reports, has seemed to disappear. And you feel as if it was purposeful.

You were supposed to be laying low, and how can you do that if you throw yourself into the night life.

And now that you are truly seeing the cruelties of said nightlife first hand, you're glad you have been shelter from it. It was one thing to see it on a computer screen, it was another to see it in real time.

You finally reach the bottom of the staircase, slightly out of breath as it really was a long way down and you were rushing. You look around seeing a cave made of limestone. When entering the cave you noticed the musty air usual caves have was not there. Platforms connected to each other as water ran by the sides. You saw a....t rex and a giant penny? As well as many other what you assume is memorabilia from previous fights. Clear cases containing multiple versions of the Batman and robin suits. There were different gadgets and weapons' lining the walls, a training area, a replica hospital area, as well as a freaking platform for the Batmobile.

Honestly it blew your mind that Bruce has enough time ans the resources to make this cave so extravagant. But you guess that thats what rich people tend to--

"Y/n?!"

A panicked voice breaks your train of thought. You look up to see Christine rushing towards you in a panic, " What are you doing down here?! I told them I didn't want you to be in this!"

Excuse me?

"Excuse me? What do you mean you told them?" You said in shock anger starting to slowly simmer in your body.

Before an argument could start, Alfred gave a quick

"Miss Christine, perhaps this isn't the best moment for your overprotective mother routine."

Before he returned to the massive collections of screens that looked like a supercomputer. It was showing the first person povs of what looked like multiple people. And it was bad.

In one screen, someone was trying to pry off what looked like a crazed hospital patient from another one. In another screen, someone was trying to get the non infected patients and doctors safely out of the trashed hospital only to encounter men in clown makeup. The worst one was the screen that was obviously Bruce/Batman, being mercilessly taunted by non other than the Joker clad in a stereotypical doctors outfit. His cruel smile twisting and he menacingly loomed over a woman who was petrified. She was being held down by some of the Jokers' henchmen as he stalked towards her with a syringe filled with a clear unidentified liquid. Batman was fighting a hoard off Jokerfied hospital patients, all crazed with maniacal laughter that sent a chill down your spine. Wide crazed smiles filled every screen you looked at no matter who's point of view it was. It made you a little worried about little Damian. Even if he was a pain, he was a child. There is no way he should've been out there.

Christine pursed her lips at Alfreds remark and nodded, probably setting a mental reminder to lecture you later before heading to a smaller set of computers.

"What are you doing?" You ask following her, wanting to get away from the horrifying scene on the main one.

"I'm trying to find some sort of antidote. Every one we usually use seems to make this one stronger." Christine says grimly. You watched for a bit, wondering how someone could do this to innocent people.

"I think I can help with that." You say, but before you are able to continue your speech, Christine cut you off.

"No. No way. Y/n as your mother I cannot let you get involved in this. No way"

You frown, " What do you mean no? I don't think the lot of you have many options at this point Christine."

"I said no. I am not letting another one of my children get ducked up in this life. Go back upstairs." Christine demanded in a stern voice.

Honestly it made you more amused than scared. She really didn't have the same grip of fear Pepper had when she was angry with you.

"Christine if you would just list--"

"Y/n thats enough! Go back to your room and wait for me up there young lady."

"This isn't some parental disagreement this is life and death i can't stand by and let innocent people die just because you wanna play mommy." You say sternly.

Christine looks visibly hurt by your comment. But she looks back into the screen and says

"My family is out there risking their lives for those innocent people. If your father lets you run around unchecked during his mission then that's on him. I however will not let you endanger the lives of my children and husband as well as what seems like half the freaking population of Gotham. Now GO up stairs."

And with that she turns and heads back to the smaller set of computers and refuses to engage with you until you have no choice but to go back up the million flight of stairs back into the manor, then climb up the other flight leading back into your bedroom.

You were fuming.

You slammed the door upon entering your room and threw a pillow to harshly into the wall.

Hundreds of people might die or become permanently insane because of the stubbornness of one woman.

That's when you hear a chime go off from your desk. You look over to see your laptop.

The same laptop you happened to upgrade with protective features that allowed you to hack into hydra files.

The same laptop that you had used to hack into the Batcomputer. The same computer that was downstair...

With in a beat you wear sat in your desk, logging into your computer. You figured if the people downstair weren't going to listen to you, then maybe the ones in the field will.

You look around for what you think is a link to who you hope is bruce and say a small

"Hello?"

Whoever it was gave a pause, and then says

"Y/n? You finally decided to stop pretending you didn't know huh?

Taglist:

@loxbbg

[certifiedlovergirlsstuff]

your knight to the rescue

pairing: dick grayson x gn!reader

WC: 1.8K

warnings: cursing, creepy older man, sexual tension? i think thats it.

summary: being a plus one has its perks and downsides.

A/N: i wrote this for @alecmores​ my editor and friend since they did a fic for my birthday this year. a little reward for having to read all my stories and listen to me talk nonsense in chat.

also tried to make this as gender neutral as possible. so if theres something that comes off as fem presenting just let me know and ill fix it!

also used two prompts from @urfriendlywriter​ , forced proximity numbers 3 and 4 

in the drafts since may13

masterlist / dick grayson

“please, y/n! you’ll be doing me a solid!”

“if you get on your knees and start begging i might consider throwing myself to the wolves.”

you were just joking, you would’ve done anything dick asked of you. but he got on his knees with his hands clasped in front of his face and put on his best puppy dog eyes. oh! he really didn’t want to go.

“y/n l/n, will you do your best friend in the whole world a huge favor and be my plus one to this wayne gala event?” he even shuffled closer and leaned his head against your thighs as you leaned against the cave computer.

without a thought you set a hand on the crown of his raven hair and run your fingers through the strands. “can we get a big belly burger after?” you know the gala will only have alcohol and finger food.

dick moved his head as his chin sat on the meat of your thighs so he could look directly into your eyes. “of course, y/n. what kind of friend would i be if i let you starve yourself on my time?”

“a terrible friend.”

“and i am anything but a terrible friend.” he groaned as he pushed himself from the floor and walked to the suit displays.

“sure you should be going out? i heard you groan from just getting off the floor, you might be getting old.” you followed behind with your arms crossed over your chest.

dick just threw a middle finger over his shoulder, not wasting his time to look your way. “fuck you. i’m in my twenties, this is my prime.”

“yeah, okay, boy wonder.”

dick grabbed his black and blue outfit before heading to a changing area. you lingered around and the silence slowly got to your head. your fingers bit into your biceps and looked down at your slippers.

“just… just be careful, dick.” you scrunch your face at your simple wording, “cause- cause i’m sure alfred is tired of patching you up. and- and you don’t want to look a mess at the gala… could cause some rumors or something.” rambling just so it doesn’t seem like you care too deeply for dick’s safety. honestly just saying, “i like you dick grayson, so don’t be an idiot as you’re backflipping off buildings.” would be a lot easier than what just came out your mouth.

dick stepped back into the cold cave and stood in front of you. his black eye mask was in place along with his gear all secured in their compartments. you couldn’t see his baby blues due to the white holes staring back at you, but he had a smirk on his lips that made you scuff without knowing his next words.

“worried about my safety?” he copied your arms-crossed stance. his head cocked to the side. you narrowed your eyes, “no shit, dumbass. you're fighting criminals, street level and insane.”

you rolled your lips, “i know it’s unavoidable at times, just…” you sighed, “just don’t get in the line of fire if you can.” you touched his arm before walking away and back up the spiral stairs.

in your rush to leave you missed how dick’s arms fell and his smirk vanished in a blink. hidden eyes watching your every step until you were gone from his sight.

-

“i want big belly burger.”

“all in due time, y/n.”

your hands tugged at the nice, but tight fabric of your black formal attire. you even shuffled on your feet, already feeling the blisters forming. you were used to loose and flowy clothing with sneakers or slippers since you worked behind the scenes.

with you knowing there would be cameras in attendance, you took extra long to make sure you were presentable and cleaned well. especially since you would be standing beside dick for most of the event, you didn’t want to look like sewer trash next to a sculpted statue.

“stop fidgeting,” dick leaned close to your ear, “you look marvelous.” his breath caressed your ear and you had to suppress the shiver it caused.

leaving the outfit alone, your hands clasped over your stomach. a more appropriate gesture than arms crossed as you stare down the boring one percenters. you could spot bruce somewhere in the distance chatting along with some people, and you could spot his fake laughing from a mile away. letting your eyes scan the room you land on detective gordon, who’s tucked away in a corner with his hands shoved in his khaki trench coat.

“looks like gordon didn’t get the dress code memo.” giving dick a hit from your elbow as you knocked your chin in the cop’s direction.

“wants a little attention. nothing wrong with that.” and something about that last part… “i’m- i’m gonna get a drink. i’ll- i’ll be right back.” and you hurried off before dick could stop you.

politely moving through the sea of people, you landed at the open bar. palms wrapping around the cool granite counter, you leaned forward and waved down a bartender. he was very handsome, but he wasn’t-

“just champagne, please. thank you.”

the flute of bubbling amber liquid sat in front of you and the bartender left to help others. you fiddled with the stem and bottom, giving the liquid a little swirling making the bubbles fizzle. you held the glass in hand as you turned your back to the counter and faced the chatting party. you needed a breather from grayson.

from the corner of your eye, you saw an older gentleman saddle up to the bar top, right next to you. to close for comfort. you could feel the air shift as he moved his arm, suit jacket popping your bubble. you stiffened, not feeling brave enough to make it obvious that he was the cause of discomfort. now you wished dick would come to your rescue and lead you away, on the other side of the room would be nice.

“may i just say,” his hand touched you, “you are a visionary.” fingers moving caused goosebumps. you had to swallow the acid rising.

“you're too kind.” fake smiled as you raised your glass. where is dick?

“are you here alone? how do you know bruce wayne?” the man questioned. moving closer, his chest almost bumping yours.

you licked your lips, “i’m a- a worker for bruce wayne… secretary. or personal assistant to mister wayne.” not too much of a fib. “and i’m here with someone. i should,” you pointed a finger at the crowd, “i should go look for him.”

the man’s grimy fingers trapped your wrist after just a step and tugged you into his body. his breathing grating against your ear and neck, “what’s the rush? i’m sure your friend can wait.”

“really, i should-“ he slipped an arm over your waist and you shut down. it’s like you were hit with mr. freeze’s ice gun.

your heart started hammering and your eyes were darting around for any sight of him. your chest was heaving, your panic growing the longer his touch and breath were on your body.

“how about we-“ “there you are, baby. i was starting to get worried.”

it’s like an angel was sent to save you from death. the chandelier lighting cast dick in a halo of blinding light. his tall stature and wide shoulders held with grace and strength. his dark black hair swept in a clean style as his piercing irises stared the man down. you heard the gasp and took a shallow breath when you felt him move away.

dick held a hand out and you grasped it like a lifeline as he tucked you into his side. arm protective on your waist and fingers splayed, it was the warmth you need after freezing to death. your arm circled his waist to pull him even closer, head falling to his chest. he even positioned himself to where you were less in the older man’s eye line, his wider frame acting as a shield.

“who’s your new friend?” dick asked. it came off playful, but you heard the undertone. he was ready to hang him upside down by his shoestrings.

“i’m not sure. haven’t been given a name.” and you haven’t. but you already have his face memorized.

the creep opened and closed his mouth. a fish gasping for water as sharks played with their dinner. you tried to give the air of innocence to compliment dick’s bomb that was slowly ticking with each second.

he stuck his hand out for a friendly shake, “dick grayson. nice to meet you…” he trailed off. waiting for the answer before he searched him up on the computer back home.

the man took his outstretched hand, “mr. cooper. pleasure to meet you.” and you saw the flash of pain over his face. dick’s grip looked like it could crush a skull.

“mr. cooper, well i hope you have an excellent evening. if you don’t mind, i’d like to steal my dance partner back.” without waiting, he walked the both of you away. you left your champagne behind without a thought.

near the edge of the dance floor on the other side was where dick planted the both of you. he held your right hand in his while his left hand settled at the small of your back. you let your left-hand rest on his strong shoulder. it wasn’t much dancing, just bodies swaying.

“thank you… for back there-“ “no need to thank me. i would do it again in a heartbeat.”

his eyes twinkled. your heartbeat stuttered.

the orchestra continued their melodic strumming and you let yourself get swept away. eyes closing, you leaned your head on dick’s dress shirt. right near his heart. the smell of citrus and pine invaded your senses and you almost got dizzy. the hand on your back pressed in harder and then rubbed along your spine.

you almost snapped your eyes open at the feeling of dick’s lips being pressed to your temple. and it wasn’t just a simple peck, it lingered. your body felt hot and you would bet ten bucks your ears were burning red. his lips moved and then he nudged his nose against your hairline as he sighed. 

“i still want a big belly burger.”

your hunger broke the romantic moment.

feeling dick’s laugh through his chest and hearing the boyish noise lit you up. pressing your chin into his shirt, you made eye contact and both flashed smiles.

“wanna ditch?” “you make it sound like high school.” hands tightening. he grinned, “you're right. i think it’s time to leave.”

and dick grayson, being your knight in shining armor, led the both of you out of the stuffy venue. and he took the waiting chariot to the closet's big belly so you could stuff your face with food you’ve been waiting to scarf down. 

and as you moaned with ketchup at the corner of your mouth and chugged soda, dick grayson thought you were the best thing to ever happen to him. and he would do anything to keep you safe and smiling.

...

[yeetus-feetus]

Jaime from 'Batman: The Brave and The Bold' should get adopted. Like obviously not legally because he already has parents, but like a Stephanie situation where he's basically B's kid coz he hangs around all the time.

Billy Batson should get actually adopted though. His siblings too, obvi.

And like Wally and Donna are basically his kids too because of Dick.

I bet he refers to Donna and Dick as his twins.

Actually all his "friends" kids are his kids now too. That means Lizzie, Jon, Kon, Roy, Mia, Connor.

(Ollie and B are so an item in the brave & the bold actually, I could write a whole thesis on their sexual tension)

Anyone who dates B's legal kids are automatically also his kids now. Congratulations Bernard you're adopted, at least Bruce isn't homophobic.

Just someone asks Bruce about how many kids he has exactly and he starts counting on his fingers, then out loud he says "wait- is that one legally my child??"

Or someone sees a photo on his desk at the office and goes "wow are those your kids?"

And B's like, "yeah all my mine. They make me so proud everyday". And only one of those kids is actually his.

Or Bruce has one of those fold out photo things in his wallet and he's showing everyone his 'daughters'. And it's Donna, Babs, Kori, Helena, Cass, Cassie, Stephanie, Kara and Lizzie. Even Raven maybe because she dated Damian at one point.

"oh wow, so many! I thought you only had just the two girls?"

"no no, these are all my lovely girls. They're so smart and I'm so proud of my babies".

"isn't that one Commisioner Gordon's girl?"

"uh. Yeah I guess.. but she's basically my daughter".

"Sure Mr. Wayne."

Or it's a Wayne Gala and he's brought along some of his honourary kids and one of the other rich people is like "oh who's this? I didn't recall you picking up another stray."

"he's not a stray he's my son."

And Jaime's just thinking "what? Did I just get adopted? I already have parents?" But it's honestly his own fault for hanging around so often and accepting the invite to the gala. It's not like Bman went out looking for more kids they just showed up on they're own and now they're his.

I mean B is the one looking after them and teaching them and making sure most of them don't die so. And Alfred feeds them all. They sleep over at the Manor more often than not. So they are his kids now right?

Right?

Anyways, Bruce loves all his kids. Even if they drive him absolutely insane. He's got grey hairs because there's so many of them now lol.

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

gotham time feat. special guest Phoebe

what's up everybody, time for a special liveblog featuring the cat who I'm currently babysitting and subjecting to my awful taste in television!

last time I was babysitting Phoebe and made her watch Gotham with me she tried to smother herself to death in the couch, so I really can't wait to see what she thinks of season 5.

Gotham 5x07

I am actually going to stay mad about how stupid it is that Barbara somehow knows she's pregnant like a week, tops, after she and Jim had sex

the passage of time in this season is in shambles. like it's never been a particularly solid timeline, we are infamously NOT running a tight ship over here on Gotham, but come on

whatever compliment sandwich: sweet young David Mazouz really mastered the Bruce Wayne tendency to stand hunched over a series of maps looking stoic and haunted in a black turtleneck

this episode just casually drops that Bruce's parents were murdered on June 27th and I'm so glad that I'm watching this episode today (June 24th) instead of three days from now because I probably would have been so unnerved seeing the real date reflected back at me from this show that I'd like. I don't know. start believing in angel numbers and crystal healing or something.

Barbara asking Lee to be her obstetrician is actually like. insane 4d chess flirting. yes I still think they should hook up I don't care they've both done worse (Jim)

is Lee even qualified to be an obstetrician.

anyway I don't believe for a second Barbara wouldn't abort that thang for the love of god the city is a smoking crater

this is what happened when Oswald hoards all the Plan B (a joke exclusively for @dykerory and I)

Cameron Monaghan's Jeremiah look is so fugly but that purple (???) lip is kind of cunt cunt serve

once again begging for literally any information on how old the Valeska twins are supposed to be as Jeremiah becomes more and more of a yandere to our little teen Bruce. for those of you just joining us Jeremiah is played by a mid-twenties Monaghan but is old enough to have had a very successful career in architecture prior to becoming basically the Joker, so. truly anyone's guess.

in conclusion: why is he obsessed with this teenager.

sorry maybe I should clarify that the main Bruce plot of this episode is tht Jeremiah has kidnapped and brainwashed a.) Alfred and b.) two randos who have been given plastic surgery to look like Thomas and Martha so that he can force Bruce to relive the night they were murdered BUT with Jeremiah there this time because he's upset that he wasn't there for one of the most important nights of Bruce's life. they're currently having dinner in the Wayne Manor kitchen while Jeremiah breathes heavily at Bruce about how intimate this is.

what I'm saying is that this would all be deeply and upsettingly erotic were one participant not almost certainly too young to vote

like I said the timeline is SO funky and they're so careful to never tell you how old Bruce and Selina are but David Mazouz is 22 RIGHT NOW four years after the series ended. so.

"I've realized if we can't be friends then we can be connected in... other ways" Jeremiah I'm calling the cops

JERVIS IS ALIVE ???

how were the first six episodes so nothing and then this episode has literally everything happening all at the same time

okay so Wayne Manor just got blown to kingdom come

they literally have Ecco zipping around fighting on roller skates... you wanna be Harley soooo bad

honestly love to see the #growth of Oswald not immediately offering to suck off anyone who helps him anymore. Alfred just saved this little bitch's life and Oswald promptly told him to go fuck himself, which rules extra hard because you all know I hate Alfred

man this part in the movie theater is like that part of Joker War in the movie theater if Joker War didn't fucking suck

wanting to kill Bruce's father figure and going after Jim instead of Alfred is so disrespectful jesus christ

also god there's never been a Leslie Thompkins who is LESS of a mother to Bruce get out of here

wait oh my god Selina had a whole thing last episode about how much she hates herself for being too selfish to help when she (at 12 years old) saw Bruce's parents get murdered but she's going to come in now to help him stop Jeremiah from recreating that night with Jim and Lee... I see the vision I GET IT

this is like a freshman level plot to thread the needle on but that's really impressive for Gotham

oh my god Jeremiah fell in a vat at Ace Chemicals that's crazy. I'm sure that'll stick he's definitely dead.

they even managed to cram the Riddler in this episode jesus christ. pengriddler are fighting about Oswald homosexually naming his dog after Ed if you were curious. Oswald would like it to be noted that this was a compliment because he's VERY fond of that dog.

left off on Pengriddler deciding to make nice again and then promptly cuts to Oswald leading Ed into his house... this close to inventing m/m sex in the Gotham universe if Barbara hadn't interrupted

the Riddler has like 9263 unpleasant and unnerving traits but being able to look at a woman who's three days pregnant and instantly clock that she's expecting just rocketed to the top of the list

honestly. honestly. Emmy for Cory Michael Smith's delivery of "it's a submarine ¯\_(ツ)_/¯."

Barbara can't... kill people anymore... because she's pregnant... okay...

if we don't get the rogues throwing a baby shower literally what's the point of anything. this will all be for nothing.

genuinely thank god I'm only doing the one episode tonight this is SO LONG

[keef-a-corn]

Ahem, not close to being an og on tumblr or DC so I may have some stupid points and/or may being doing this friggin wrong and I’m okay with that. Fairly certain I will be proven wrong one way or another, but I’m tryin’.

Now..

Got into DC not too long ago. This is what I have learnt so far (these are mainly Batman based because I’m yet to care about anyone else nearly as much as I care about Bats and I’m mainly focusing on the stuff I’ve encountered, not toxicity [because I haven’t encountered that yet]):

- Batman is awesome but his canon constantly clashes. It’s nicer for HCs but is also a pain when a bunch of people focus on one part.

- still very shocking but… people tend to be fairly okay when someone doesn’t read the comics or most of the comics, as long as they are at least familiar with references to the comics.

- the live-action movies are both really good and highly flawed all at once.

- there is a horrific amount of crossovers with Miraculous and Danny Phantom. Like fanfics made yesterday have these crossovers.

- You like a ship? Perfect! Here’s plenty of content in relation to that!

- my method from finding Transformers fanfics does not work.

- Not enough JL depress.

- still yet to see anyone mention how funny it is that parents allow their children to engage with majority of DC and JL content when they really shouldn’t.

-Batman can never be apart of young children content. Nothing targeted to someone below the age of 7 should be allowed to engage with Batman content. Considering how he became Batman, his morals, his motivations, his goals.

- majority agree that a good version of Batman is when cares about people and actually is a very good person but will never see himself as a good person, he’s not scary. He’s not mean. He actually cares about people. He’s just a damaged person.

- Autism and ADHD characters are canon and I love browsing all the proof that it’s canon.

- Alfred is best. (Also raised my standards for the British only for it to be destroyed by my stupid uncle.)

- want to ignore canon? M’kay!

- not enough ‘Bruce cut himself off from people for years, but did solely interact with Alfred, gradually he started mimicking Alfred’s accent, so when he finally interacts with people again he has a British accent.’ Come on.

- if you search up any negative, but angsty, trait and ‘Bruce Wayne’ on tumblr you’re going to get a whole bunch of content that’s either Bruce x reader or is batbros focused rather than Bruce focused.

- everything is either from 5 years ago or yesterday.

- not enough owl man and Batman interacting content. Where’s the fanfics where Owlman tries to join the JLA and the only one to question it is Bruce! Initially Owlman’s there to undermine Batman and drive him insane, but gradually their relationship develops and the original plan goes out the window in the wake of ‘protective brother’ mode?? It’s not even close to canon, but at this rate it doesn’t matter.

- fight scenes are cool, but do you know what’s cooler? Characters displaying proper friendships [while fighting]

- overworked and insomniac characters are central in fanfics when you least expect it, but if you ACTUALLY SEARCH IT UP YOU GET NOTHING!

Edit: completely forgot to mention

- still waiting for someone to mention that although Battison (I think [yet to watch it]) addresses the black makeup from around the eyes of Batman when he’s in the cowl, does it really matter? Because it’s not even supposed to be there because Batman’s eyes are supposed to be covered by the lenses built into the cowl.

- disappointed by the lack of high-heels in more modern content. They run around in heels in Justice League and Justice League Unlimited and that’s how high my standards are. No heels? No point.

- pink kryptonite hehe

And finally

- learning big words and concepts thanks to everything. Honestly didn’t know what ABA was, or that it’s called a cowl!

[batfilledsky]

I feel like Bruce Wayne does one of those nightmarish polyphasic sleep cycles where you get significantly less than 8 hours of sleep a day.

Not the uberman (6-8 20 minute naps per day) mostly because if he misses or is delayed on one of those naps the next week is just. Ruined

But the everyman he can probably do

It's a lot more flexible bc it still has a "main" chunk of sleep, so he can do stakeouts and miss a nap without just fucking his whole schedule for weeks

Alfred thinks this is insane, and is correct. There's no evidence to suggest this is safe, and even most proponents say you should get more sleep when you're injured, which for Batman is always, but the only way to get him to sleep more is to drug him, which is a last resort for a variety of obvious reasons.

Honestly the big downside to this sleep schedule is that he can't consume obscene amounts of stimulants with the exception of right after he wakes up, or he runs the risk of missing a nap, which is still unpleasant even if it doesn't ruin his life

[evilwickedme]

What ships do you like with all the Bats?

All of the bats???? Damn

So starting with Bruce, my fav ship for him is probably batcat. I just think they're cute and she's a great character. But superbat and superwonderbat do have their appeal - again I'll say my main problem with this is I literally cannot picture a Clark who isn't in love with Lois, but polyamory fixes this for the most part in theory. In practice anytime I've read anything superbat either Clark has been gay or clois aren't together for some reason and it always low-key throws me off

As for Dick there aren't many people I don't ship him with it honestly? Certainly I can work with any ship that's even sort of mainstream. So birdflash, dickbabs, dickory, dickroy, etc. As long as it's not incest or Slade Wilson, I could conceivably go for it

For Jason I'm basically strictly JayRoy and joyfire, with the occasional jaytemis thrown in there. Idk I don't vibe with most of his canon love interests

Tim's a canon bicycle honestly but uh timkon obviously, timber, timsteph, timberkon, timpulse, timbartkon, core four as a ship, I can and have vibed with all of them in fic

We've already covered timsteph but obviously I also like stephcass!! Beyond that I honestly don't know enough about Cass or Steph to ship them with anybody else tho. I know Cass has gone on a couple of dates with Kon and that's a no from me but beyond that I have nothing. If they have insane chemistry with other characters please send the relevant panels my way!

Damian's still a bby for real he's 14 but damijon is literally so obvious and it helps that poisonivory has written some really good fic for them

Again I don't know enough about Duke's supporting cast to ship him with anyone, let me know if there's anyone notable

Kate deserves better than dating a cop but I have no opinion on her girlfriends beyond that

Like I said I like dickbabs just fine but dinahbabs seems like a great ship, I've only seen them in the background of backgrounds of fics but I should look into them more

Idk anything about the Rows or the Foxes or Terry

Did I miss any of the Bats? I feel like that was literally everyone but this family is so big

Oh actually, as a bonus: Thomas Wayne/Martha Wayne/Alfred Pennyworth throuple, thank you and good night

[mermaidsirennikita]

Love and light to Bridget but idk how she puts up with Valentine in Duke of Sin lol - he’s like an angry little Pomeranian. I love how Val is short. He absolutely would be and I don’t think it bothers him a bit (I always picture Eve as taller than him/the taller sibling). And lmao to when Bridget is forced to go “well turns out he wasn’t lying about his *personal attributes*” in that nude painting of him. Like, Elizabeth Hoyt!!! Your brain!!!

Side note/question - if you had to FMK the Maiden Lane heros, how would you categorize them?

Honestly, I think Bridget has a lot of kinks that the text would probably deal with more if it was published today. There's some shit going on with her. In a lot of ways, I see Val/Bridget as a contrast to Maximus/Artemis, wherein you have a wacky duke paired with what appears to be an imminently sensible and calm woman, but there are key differences in that:

A) Maximus, while clearly being insane, is more of a general ass re: his relationship with Artemis, while Val is COMPLETELY off his rocker, and demonstrates this to Bridget.

B) I'll be super real... taste is taste and this is TOTALLY PERSONAL, but Maximus sounds a lot hotter on a purely physical level to meeeeeee. Jacked severe duke with some salt and pepper going on > super pretty duke. Val is hot because of who he is/his insanity/the fact that we see him do sex things, but on the street I feel like I wouldn't be into him? And people in the text are like "he's very pretty but also SUPER WEIRD-PRESENTING". But GOOD FOR HIM.

C) Bridget has experience, Maximus is Artemis's one and only. While I do nOT see Artemis as a meek heroine at all (quiet, yes, meek no) it's kinda not a surprise that she'd fall in love with the rich hot duke who pops her cherry AND gives her multiple orgasms. Bridget.... should know better lmao.

So basically, Bridget REALLY loves Val, which means she's a bit twisted.

Re: FMK, I'd fuck em all because they all sound good in the sack, but I'd MARRY: Winter, Mickey, Maximus, and Asa.

A more accurate ranking would tier like this:

Tier 1: God Tier/Would Suck Him Off In A Public Venue

Winter Makepeace, Thief of Shadows--Obviously, I love Winter with all my wasted heart. He's not even as much of my usual romance hero type because he's nOT a rat bastard, but he's so wound up and stridently self-confident while at the same time possessing the heart of an absolute freak who wings it. I love an undone man, and he's so. undone. Also, how can one man be so cool and yet so deeply uncool at once? Like, he's Zorro but he also is basically cosplaying because some random guy showed him how to once. Also, he spends time being like "my God, am I just a lustful wretch" because he got a boner oNE TIME.

Charming Mickey O'Connor, Scandalous Desires--Mickey is probably like. The sexiest Maiden Lane hero. He is a river pirate who somehow gets away with saying things like "you're me lady now" on the force of sheer sex appeal. I imagine him wearing leather pants and a flowy pirate shirt that's open to his navel all the time. Don't ruin that for me. He's also deeply weird, as any hero of my heart is. 10/10 would let him lick my tears off my face.

Maximus Batten, Duke of Midnight--Lots of people hate Maximus. They are wrong. Is Maximus a total asshole? Yes. Is the main obstacle to Maximus getting everything he wants, in fact, Maximus? For sure, no doubt. Is it truly bizarre that he's like, fucking the shit out of this woman, clearly in love with her, and then being like "sadly, we cannot be together, because I find you embarrassing". Oh yes. But that is... why.... I love him? I love Maximus because he's his own worst enemy. Because he has the whole "TAKE MY COME BECAUSE I CAN GIVE YOU NOTHING ELSE" (not true lmao) line. Because he honestly fucks like a champ and is then like "oh my god Alfred, (Craven), look away, Diana's (Artemis's) tits are out". Because of that scene where he just sat down before Artemis and dragged her forward and ate her out like she was breakfast, lunch, AND dinner. Because... he's such an idiot. 100+ "he called his heroine by not her actual name first" points.

Asa Makepeace, Sweetest Scoundrel--Asa is iconic to me because he mixes filth and sweetness so well? Like, he's not as decent as Winter. He's kind of a trashbag himbo who puts on this big rakish show. But he's..... incredibly sweet with Eve. Like. So tender. So understanding. I don't respond well to "we fall in love while he comforts me about my sexual trauma" romances often, because it can often feel... exploitative, somehow? But this one nailed it, and while Eve is an amazing heroine, I think it's in part too because of how Asa is like... not a perfect guy, but a guy with a deeply good heart deep down. Which makes sense, because he comes from a family that has some of the most deeply decent people (Winter and Silence) in the series. Also, on a shallow note, that scene where he jacks off in the carriage is A LOT.

Tier 2.1: Iconic, But I Have Questions

Valentine Napier, Duke of Sin--Yes, Val is hot, he is iconic, I see why everyone loves him, I don't take anything at all away from that. But does he sometimes veer in a direction where I'm like "oh he can plow, but in the cool light of day I'd wonder some things about his fashion choices"? Sure. I am not. A HUGE fan of all his frothy lace. Elizabeth Hoyt will sell me on basically every hero. The Serpent Prince is another one where I was like, "oh! He has jeweled buckles on his high heeled shoes and he is battling!" Sometimes, the heroes just feel extra Georgian, and this is one of those times for me. I also, as someone with two cats who are basically parasitic creatures attached to me, do struggle sometimes with the cat murders.

Tier 2.2: Time to Call My Shrink About the Daddy Issues

Godric St. John, Lord of Darkness--Initially, I don't think I ranked this book that high in the series. But upon re-reads of... certain passages, I am more into Godric than I once was. I mean, he's hot. He's deeply daddy. He's like, one of the more normal Maiden Lane heroes, for sure. I actually own this book in paperback and need to do a complete re-read. I find Godric to be unfortunately placed between two of my favorite heroes, so it's hard to like... hold him up against Winter and Maximus. But he's objectively so hot.

Captain James Trevillion, Dearest Rogue--OOOOOOOH HOT. It's only recently that I realized that he's Georgian Jim Gordon, which, weird. But man. When he dry humped that girl he was supposed to be taking care of, who's a lil YOUNG FOR HIM BUT NOT IN A WEIRD WAY, who's his CHARGE!!! And then felt DIRTY BAD WRONG ABOUT IT??? Oh, that's hot. Also, I love that he's like. Wounded and fucked up about it. Yes sir, tell me all about all your SELF LOATHING. I liked his farm family less though.

Hugh Fitzroy, Duke of Kyle, Duke of Pleasure--How fun is it that this guy is a king's bastard? So fun. Also fun: that iconic scene where he's like "Alf, pretend to suck my dick so everyone moves past us and ignores our espionage" and she just. Sucks his dick for real. And then he's like, "Alf legit they're gone" and she's like "I'm gonna do anyway" and he comes in her mouth? And then he's like "Jesus Christ bitch" and mAKES HER SPIT INTO HIS NICE HANDKERCHIEF??? Anyway, I don't love the CSI: Maiden Lane arc because it's so dark, but that scene, man. I also am a sucker for any time a hero has a Shang From Mulan moment where the heroine is dressed like a man and he's like "you know what.... for that twink... I would..."

Tier 2.3 Yeah My Man's A Slut

Griffing Remington, Notorious Pleasures--I really have nothing to complain about here. Griffin's book is kind of an outlier in that it's like... more Maiden Lane than the previous book, but still not quite there, but it's very good and fun. (To me, Scandalous Desires is when Elizabeth Hoyt REEEEEALLY hits her stride.) He's a hot fuck who isn't above boning his brother's fiancee, and I respect the hell out of that. A true slut. I believe he's amazing in bed.

Tier 2.4 Well Now I'm Sad (But We Love Him)

Raphael de Chartres, Duke of Desire--His story is so well done and I love him and he's a great hero, but his book is VERY, VERY sad. His backstory is crushing. I'd recommend this book (with the necessary TWs) and I'm sure I'll reread it, but it's not an easy read and though I found his love story romantic and cathartic, it was darker than Sweetest Scoundrel due to its proximity to ongoing issues, and... yeah. Hard. But I love him.

Tier 2.5 Further Evaluation Needed

Lazarus "Caire" Huntington, Wicked Intentions--Yeah so I don't recall much of this one and I need to do a full reread, but Caire is hot and all, despite his weird hair. I find him to be less in line with most Maiden Lane heroes, but that makes sense because he's the first one. Would bang, but need to brush up on everything.

Apollo Greaves, Darling Beast--I know this book is great, but I also read it at a bad mental health time so I need to re-read it. Apollo is a biiiig guy, which I love. He's also got a very difficult backstory, like Raphael, but not *quite* as intense. I remember him being REAL GOOD AT SEX, I just need to reread his entire story.

[2xmiu]

essay-like thing about batman and co

ok ok don't hate me for this but do we really *need* the batfamily? (or batman incorporated but this is mostly about the batfamily so)

no wait hear me out hear me out.

the best batman stories, the ones that make you go 'oh shit batman!' are ones that don't really give batman a sidekick, or if they do, the sidekick has a point. the long halloween, the dark knight returns, a serious house on serious earth (even though that's not my favorite by a long shot), the killing joke. all of these give batman limited friends. and that's a good thing! no one with a great support system is dressing up as a bat and beating the shit out of mentally ill people! bruce wayne is not well, and that's kind of the point. the best batman stories question if bruce is just as insane as the villains he's fighting, and if it's right for him to do this.

so he shouldn't have a good fifteen people telling him that yes it's okay and yes he's a good guy. there's no struggle in that except for 'okay yes you say that but what if you wrong?'. which i think you can achieve much better and more interestingly (idk if interestingly is a word) if it's just one or two people, like jim gordon or alfred (excluding a robin telling him this because that's a child).

also, you can't really honestly say that every single member matters. i'm okay with dick grayson and jason todd (tim drake is on thin ice and damian is on even thinner ice). batgirl's good too, and so is batwoman (this is mostly because she's hot and i'm really really attracted to women). but bluebird does not matter. neither does the signal, or any batwing, or jarro. especially jarro. spoiler does not need to be here, and i think orphan should have stayed her own thing (because i actually really like her concept but she shouldn't have to be summed up by being a batman sidekick). huntress should have stayed seperate, like azrael.

bat-mite should be purged from existence and i hate him. mr mxyzptlk better.

not a lot of time should not be spent in the main batman run on these characters (excluding whoever's robin at the time). i mean of course some time should be spent so they're not 2d characters flapping in the wind, but not too much time. if they're good, interesting characters, they should get a spinoff where we can explore them without taking up batman runtime. if they're not, they should slowly fade out of existence.

thank you for listening! criticism is welcome, i'm obviously not the end-all be-all of batman. everyone's perspective is valid (mostly) and if you do enjoy a thing don't stop enjoying it because a stranger on the internet doesn't. again, thank you for reading.

[n0-1r]

late niught owrdump yummy

i would like to preface this with

this is honesty just a word dump of whatever was going through my mind at 12 am

usually i'd do this through 20 whatsapp status updates but im posting here now

hmm hurt/comfort mmm time-travel fix-it mmm fix-it au mmm

wow i love angst!!!!! im so okay rn!!!!! love fighting tears rn!!!!!! its 12 am!!!!!!!!!

bro i fr think this fic im reading rn is a DID analogy

like guy from one universe wakes up in his body from another universe with significantly less ytrauma and both consciousnesses (wow long word) take up the same body and both have a certain amount of contol over it

yay! i love having unsolicited trauma dumps from this guy in a fic im reading

wow so fun best nite 8vr!!!!

hmmm tatsuya parallels

WAIT THIS FIC IS SO TATSUYACORE

dick is totes akiren jason gives major tatsuya vibes but tatsuya is wayyy to nice for him tim kinda gives mikoto energy but is probably edgier cus trauma souyu is honestly too good for the batfam i mean he's the silliest nicest guy ever omg that's so duke meta and countrybumpkins are basically the same steph could be either femcs but i think kotoko suits her better WAIT OMG MY BABY NAOYA wait kinda giving dick lowkey i thinl he suits it better

with this analysis i have found that therapy is important

honestly this stray kids is the only thing getting me throug this

OH FUCK I HAVE FICS TO READ IM LIKE 18 UPDATES BEHIND UHHHHHH

want the energy that itzy have in this song rn this fic is actually tragic(ly hurt/comfort its hurting me too much the comfort hurts)

CAKE CAKE CAKE CAKE CAKE

ITS A PIECE OF CAKE CAKE CAKE CAKE CAKE

CAKE CAKE CAKE CAKE CAKE

YEAH PIECE OF CAKE CAKE CAKE CAKE CAKE

EW HATE THIS LET ME ENJOY SOME ART DAMMIT

OH FUUUUUUCK I HAVE TUTORING TMR WITH THIS BITCHASS TEACHER WITH SOME OUTRAGEOUS FEE MY DAD WOULDNT TELL ME AND WHO HASNT BEEN ABLE TO COME FOR 8 WEEKS CUS SHE SUCKS I HOPE SHES A TERRIBLE TEACHER SO WE CAN GET A BETTER TUTOR LIKE MY DAD DOESNT EVEN WANT HER IS CUS OF MY COUSIN AND UUUUGH SHITTY TERRIBLE NEGLIGENT ASS MUM UUUUGH

wow guys i really do hate communication issues

guys im fr gonna cry but giga's voice is just so good i cant rn

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME RN

JUST AS I WAS PLANNING TO STOP

NUH UH NOT WITH THIS CLIFFHANGER NO WAY

WOW HAHA SO NOIRMKL THI SIS O OKAY I SO OKAY RN TGIS IS TITALLY FINE OWIW HAHA FINEWOWOI TITALLY LOVE THUS RN THI IS GRAT SO MUCFUN

that's so yandere tho

AAAAAARRRRGHHHHHHHHHHH IM SO INSANE RN

I LOVE YOU ALFRED YOUR MY ONLY HOPE I BELIEVE IN YOU YOU CAN DEVELOP PLEASE

guys im like actually crying rn likr real tears

fuck sleep it's 2 am i will not stop until i get answers

mmmmmmm maybe i should sleep

oh wow thanks new jeans i just i should go to sleep asap

I NEED SLEEP SLEEP NOW GOODNIGHT GUYS LOVE YA STAY HYDRATED AND WELL RESTED UNLIKE ME

i then proceeded to stay up for 15 more minutes

[xt1me]

I've really got to start posting these on tumblr so here, have some musings on if the Batfamily had (lame) superpowers.

The no Metas in Gotham rule is kind of a lie

Ok so I don't actually know much about biology or anything, but what if the Metagene wasn't so much of a you-have-it-or-you-don't thing but more of like a collection of enzymes and stuff that over a certain threshold you get superpowers. And under that threshold it’s normal baseline human.

At least that's the case if there's no outside catalyst or something. I mean how else would you explain the Flashes. Usually lab accidents like that would result in chemical burns not superspeed.

And Gotham is cursed, like legit cursed. I’m pretty sure there’s canonically a bunch of curses actually. So even though there's technically no Metas in Gotham, you get things like botanists that can control plants of their mind. And clay monsters that appeared because they were addicted to face cream (or whatever Clayface’s origin is).

Of course, not everyone's powers is that obvious. In fact, most people in Gotham have powers they don't even realize it. I mean the Joker’s survived being dunked in a vase of chemicals and simply going insane instead of melting into a pile of goo. In fact, he's had pretty much every bone in his body broken by Batman and is still running around laughing. And he's definitely not a Meta because they've checked.

I like to think that a few of the other rogues have random powers as well that they don't even realize. Like Harvey Dent was able to call the correct face of a coin flip every single time (some kind of collapse in probability thing) except after the incident Two-Face can also do it. Coin flips are now actually random so he doesn't know the outcome anymore. The original Ventriloquist probably has some minor telekinesis on his puppet. (I know the New 52 Ventriloquist has actual telekinesis so that only makes sense.) Mad Hatter’s mind control is through his technology, but no one else would have been able to figure out how to do it besides him. His hats definitely don't work quite as well for others.

And, of course, every member of the Bat Family has powers but not every member knows about it.

   🦇

Batman has slight shadow manipulation. All those comic panels you see of Bruce Wayne brooding in the darkness with his shadow behind them with the pointy ears even though he's not in costume? Yeah, that actually happens. Not that he knows this since he's never seen it. And if anyone else has spotted it, it's totally something that could always be dismissed as a trick of the light. It's possible even if he realized he had this power all he could really use it for is to be a bit more dramatic when sweeping down on villains.

   🦇

Alfred actually does have a power that he's aware of. He doesn't think of it as a superpower though, or a metagene. He considers it more of a gift he inherited from his grandmother.

His food heals people.

Well … kind of, not really.

People who eat food he makes don't actually heal any faster. They heal better. By this I mean the members of the bat family have far fewer scars than really should have for being in the business they've been in for as long as they have. Every single member of the bat family has been hit by so many different injuries or chemical weapons that they really should have had permanent side effects crop up by now. Honestly, they should be in chronic pain whenever the weather changes. Heck Batman broke his back, he should probably been on painkillers for life after that, but after he actually healed up he rarely even remembers it anymore. To be completely honest this is probably the most useful power the entire family has at their disposal and only Alfred knows about it.

   🦇

Dick has a pretty useful power as well except he has no idea he has it.

Nightwing has featherfall.

By which I mean he has the ability to, no matter what height he falls from, slow down just enough before he hits the ground so he doesn't kill himself. A very appropriate power to have for a child of trapeze artists. But he has no idea. Anytime he's been he's fallen from a great height he's always had options to help him out. Such as grappling hooks or gliders or even a friend who can fly to catch him. It probably wouldn’t matter if he found out about it, him falling has never been his worry anyway. His nightmares are always been about other people falling.

   🦇

Barbara does know about her ability and she's pretty sure she got it from her dad.

She has the ability to make sour things taste sweet. (Like what those miracle berries can do.)

But only for her, she can't do it for other people. She never brought it up but she has noticed she takes her coffee the exact same way as Commissioner Gordon. Very bitter without any sugar. Maybe she can turn this power off, otherwise there's a lot of desserts that would become incredibly cloying and sweet. Obviously, she has never mentioned this before as it is an entirely and utterly useless power to have. But she has fully bitten into a lemon to freak people out or for a bet. Tastes kind of like an orange.

   🦇

Jason also has a power he knows about and considers equally useless.

He can change the colour of his hair.

What he can't change is how fast it grows. (This is obviously inspired by the comic run where he's ginger).

If he thinks of a colour he wants his hair to be before he goes to bed any amount his hair grows that night is going to be that colour. Which means if he concentrates, he can change his hair colour for however long it takes to his hair grow out. Obviously this takes a while so he usually doesn’t bother. He got a hair colour he considers his default and leaves it at that.

After he came back from the back from the dead, whether it's thanks to magic or trauma, his default hair colour now has the patch of white. He can still change the colour and the white hair actually changes a lot quicker than his regular hair, but of course it also loses it colour quicker as well. So if he's not paying attention or gets distracted by something for a while the white hair comes back. (This is my way of explaining the inconsistencies of the white streak in the comics.)

   🦇

Tim has a pretty handy power but, like Dick and Bruce, he has no idea.

He is some poison/toxicity resistance.

You would think this would be something that Batman would have picked up on but every member of the bat family eventually gets that level of poison/toxicity resistance just from fighting villains with so many chemical weapons. The difference is that when the batfam build up their resistance they have access to antidotes and various things in the Bat Cave. Whereas Tim had his resistance before he came Robin. It's a good thing too, because him running around trying to take pictures of Gotham’s nightlife probably would have resulted in his death otherwise. He’s gotten a little too close to more than one Rouge attack. This is also the reason why he hasn't poisoned himself with caffeine overdose.

   🦇

Stephanie has better than average night vision. She has no idea this is a power rather than just good eyesight but she has better eyesight than anyone else without equipment. It’s not see-in-total-darkness night vision but she can see more details and in colour for longer in dim light. This helped her a lot on nights when she was running around before she got access to bat stuff to help her. Of course, after that the night vision available in her mask is way better than her natural vision.

   🦇

Cassandra does have a power she is aware of her but since her body language reading is so much more impressive it’s not something that’s come up. She has the power of silence. Anything under a certain noise threshold that she's making she can silence completely. It requires her ninja training first since even a whisper is too loud, but anything under that she can make it so you can't hear her no matter how good your hearing is. This does mean she is able to sneak up on people with superhearing and they can't even hear her heartbeat. Superman’s never noticed since she's too polite to do it on her allies and they have never teamed up in any situation where he would have noticed. She does use it to troll her siblings though.

   🦇

Damien suspects somehow his power was given to him by his grandfather as heir to the Demon Head. He’s never asked in case he it was supposed to be more impressive than it is. He can sense large bodies of water. It means he always knows where the Lazarus pit is when it's nearby but that's not very helpful when it's always guarded and in a maze of tunnels. He can kind of sense the difference between the Lazarus pit and regular water but he's not sure he's able to tell the difference in between, say sea water and lake water. Mainly because by the time he's close enough to the sea to realize it with his power he's also already spotted seagulls and/or smelled salt in the air so he doesn't know how much of this is his natural observation skills and how much is the power. He can, if he concentrates really hard, detect water as small as in a cup. He cannot detect water in people, which he is very annoyed by because that at least would be useful. People may be 90% water but it's spread out too much for his power to kick in. The only possible practical use of this power obviously is if he's stumbling around the desert but for any other occasion it's such a mind numbingly useless power he will never bring it up.

   🦇

Duke Thomas already know his powers and he actually reaches the higher threshold to be considered a metahuman, so no surprise there.

Of course, as far as everyone's concerned, he's the only member of the bat family with powers.

[crystalelemental]

Engage, day 4.  Not as much to update, but you know.

I want to put this out there: I am an idiot who should not be allowed to do things. I like clearing everything that pops up, but doing the side battles absolutely over-leveled me for future chapters.  I beat the shit out of Hortensia, it was not a challenge.  Chloe could've soloed that map if she wanted.  She almost did.  I had to actively back her out of just annihilating Hortensia like it was nothing.  The side maps are...honestly the biggest challenges, though admittedly the one with the fog of war shit was the worst.  There were a lot of enemies, and I had a metric ton of issues with that map.  It absolutely broke me.  I used the Time Crystal.  I don't even care.  I hate Fog of War, man.

But I'm also an idiot because I kept using my mains for it, instead of the backup units like Boucheron and Clanne, and now they're way behind and I don't know if they can reasonably catch up.  I need to try.  But I feel dumb for letting it reach this point.  Ugh.  Once everyone starts hitting level 20, that'll be a good time to just leave them there, and work on the backup units.  I like getting like...all the supports in the first runthrough.  I like to know what everyone's like.

But as a preliminary assessment, it's already become difficult to choose a team. I'm on Chapter 8.  Chloe is MVP of this army, she is literally untouchable.  Solid defenses, fantastic speed, solid offensive presence, Sigurd ring for complete map control and Canter, just an absolute wrecking ball of a unit.  Celine is second best, but I'm ready for a slight drop-off.  Celine has been carried, in part, by Celica's ring.  Warp Ragnarok is obscene.  But, as I'm learning, Celine is also the only reasonable option for it.  I have it now on Cittrine, who is...super physically frail, so she gets annihilated really easily when she warps, and her speed is atrocious when Thunder is equipped, so she...really needs to be careful or she just dies.  Celine has none of these issues. I think she hit 10 defense, and is almost as fast as Chloe.  Celine just wins.  Third best is Framme, though she's gunning for second.   She's gotten so many strong levels that the only other unit who can beat her in Arena battles is Chloe.  She's bulky, decently strong, absolutely insane with Micaiah's Shine active, and just a delight overall.  These three are the backbone of the team.

"What about Alear?"  Yeah, not gonna lie, Alear's been fairly strength screwed. Not badly enough that she can't manage, but I think it's worth noting that 11 strength at level 13 isn't exactly great.  I also wanted to use Etie a bit, but no one has had worse level luck than her.  It's bad, guys.  It's real bad.  Barring the Marth situation, I think Lapis is just outright better than Alear.  Less bulky, but just as strong and fast with more room to grow.  Alcryst has also taken over as main archer.  He's, uh...he's really good, actually.  The other big name right now is Anna.  I adore that she's an axe fighter, and I kinda love kid Anna being adorable and also a goon.  Early access to Hammer and Poleaxe has also made her a really, really good generalist.  I just wish she wasn't so...the way she is. Her strength is just slightly too low to one-shot most cavs, her speed isn't fantastic, these weapons come with lower accuracy so she sometimes misses at critical moments, and her luck is really low so she gets crit, which is usually death.  It's a lot of problems to have.  I don't think this girl would survive Hard mode.

While I do like Alfred, he's just so far behind Chloe, and is more a tank than a well-rounded unit.  And I do mean in the physical sense.  He's Horse Louis.  Res is bad, he hasn't gotten the best speed growth, but he is bulky.  Which is good, he'll make a nice backup option.  And eventually Chloe will cap Sigurd's ring at rank 10, and it'll be his time to shine.

As for units I don't like...Boucheron isn't doing much.  Clanne was incredible right up until Celine arrived and took everything from him.  I don't really like Jean, and his growths have been sad for a high-growth unit.  I'm not really keen on Jagen characters, so Vander isn't doing much either.  I feel like I'm forgetting someone, so if I did, they're in this bucket too.

By tactics...I kinda like these new bigger weapon options.  They can smack a unit back one space and potentially into hazards, but they result in the foe attacking first, even on your turn.  It's a really cool idea, I just don't know how much it's going to matter.  I've also officially started using the guard effect on Framme and Jean.  Framme's new-found bulk means she's blocking a metric ton of damage for the team, and it's frankly hilarious.  I talked about that whole fog of war issue?  Yeah, this was a solution.  Block all damage from everything except one ally.   Completely stall out the enemy's movements and set them up for a KO next turn.  It's great.

The rings are...interesting.  I'm going to be honest, I think they're a ton of fun, but also hysterically overkill.  Sigurd grants +5 range.  +5!   Chloe, a flier who cannot be stopped by terrain, covers a map in like two turns.  And then gets Canter for another 2 move after combat.  It's nuts.  Celica's Warp Ragnarok has been a clean one-shot against any foe.  It's devastating in the extreme.  And Micaiah's Great Sacrifice is a beautiful effect that I've seen give Framme a full level, as late as level 14.  Like, that skill is free EXP, man.  If someone's behind, just slap Micaiah on them, turn them into a Staff-based utility bot, and let them farm those levels.  It's so busted.  The only one who doesn't initially seem as busted is Marth, but I assure you, he is.  The evade stacking is unreal, any fast unit effectively becomes untouchable.  Add in a skill that lets you recover to 20% when under 20% HP after battle, and all I'm waiting for is something that gives me survival at 1HP from a single lethal blow, and you're effectively immortal.  It's just so extreme.

But I also think that, for challenge maps anyway, that extreme response is necessary?  All foes move instantly, and you start out surrounded on nearly every challenge map.  This results in needing some really extreme solutions. Warp Ragnarok, while absurd, also becomes necessary sometimes to snipe out an opponent that could be a problem.  Micaiah's Sacrifice becomes a necessary hard reset after a rough round of combat.  Marth's evasion is necessary just to stay alive.  The only one out is Sigurd, who...might be my favorite, because his utility is just perfect for getting where you need to go.   Like, you know those maps where it's like "Oh no!  That enemy thief is so close to that chest, they're going to steal that thing!"  Sigurd ignores the danger and gets you right to them. Even his big attack is more about movement than damage.  I love it.  I love Sigurd's ring so much.

The story's reasonably simple, and if my character talk being focused on combat rather than characterization wasn't much of an indication, they're all pretty straight-forward and simple.  I like it, though.  It's fun in a simple way.  They just have to not do anything too stupid with the ending and I think we'll have a decent experience.

On the whole, I'd say I'm enjoying myself a lot.  This...might even be the rare Fire Emblem game I attempt to clear on Hard once I'm through the game once. My next mission is getting Lyn's ring, so I'm pretty excited about that.  And I met Goldmary!  Who...yeah.  I like her a lot.  Looking forward to that recruitment.

[wonderlandleighleigh]

Prompt: Literally anything that combines Batman with TMMM

Maybe Lenny taking Ethan, Esther, and Kitty out to a comic shop

Or maybe a crossover where Midge & Lenny get invited to a Wayne Gala

Or Bruce & Selina go see Midge perform

Or all of the above? (If u have time ofc)

"Marti, this house is still insane, I have no idea how you deal with the upkeep," Midge says as she hooks arms with her old friend.

Martha Wayne chuckles as she leads Midge through to the ballroom. "I don't. And if I tried, I'm pretty certain Alfred would lock me in my powder room."

Both women laugh as they enter the gala. They haven't seen each other in quite some time, but now that Midge isn't married anymore, and she doesn't have to worry about Joel being deeply uncomfortable at Wayne Manor, she can actually show up for a party or two.

Martha Kane had been a dear friend and fellow Jewish girl at Bryn Mawr, and a consistent pen pal after. They'd been in each others' weddings as bridesmaids and sent each other very lavish gifts when they'd given birth.

Ethan and Bruce are both seven now, upstairs playing with Bruce's toys, and likely having a very good time.

"God love him," Midge giggles. "It's so good to see you, Marti. You look good."

"Why thank you, you look good, too," Marti smiles. "How is divorced life treating you?"

"Honestly? Better than I thought it would," Midge says honestly. "The comedy is going really well...and...and I'm seeing someone."

Marti gasps and nudges her. "And you didn't bring him? How dare you, you've robbed me of my chance to judge him and deem him not good enough for you."

Midge laughs. "He's out of town, touring. His name is Lenny. He is very handsome, very smart, very sweet, and very, very good in bed."

"Why, Miss Weissman, I never," Marti smirks. "Good for you."

"How are things with you and Thomas?" Midge asks as they step up to the bar.

Marti takes a breath and lets it out. "They're okay. He's been so busy lately I forget he exists sometimes. And Bruce is noticing, too, you know? He's a very smart boy."

"Maybe some of that will rub off on Ethan," Midge jokes.

"Miriam, be nice to your son."

"He's just not progressing in school the way his teachers think he should be," Midge sighs. "He'll be fine. I know he will be. He's great. He's just..."

"Not as smart is you. Cut him a break."

"Fine." She orders their drinks and then turns back to Marti. "So? Thomas is pulling disappearing acts."

"The hospital needs him," Marti shrugs. "He's too good at what he does."

"God I'm glad I didn't wind up marrying a doctor," Midge mutters. "Tell him you miss him."

"You think so?" Marti asks.

"I know so," Midge grins. "Talk to him."

Martha huffs and nods. "You were always full of good ideas." She reaches over for their drinks and hands Midge one, lifting her own. "To communication."

"To opening your fucking mouth," Midge agrees as they clink glasses.