#I shared personal stuff that I do NOT like sharing because of years of feeling invalidated and
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Just imagine poly!marauders x reader who decides to go on a holiday trip together but when they arrive there is the classic one-bed-trope (or maybe two and they argue on who gets to share the bed with reader) and sheâs all shy bc even though they live together she never spent a night with them in the same room, specially on the same bed!
(Btw, are you planning on getting them together?)
hehehe soooo... I am planning on it, but for right now I live for the pining and the wholesome moments without them being together. anyways here is part 9.
And They Were Roommates pt.9
Summary:reader and the boys go on a trip, one bed trope, it's cute
word count: 1.9k
You and the boys decided to go on a little weekend getaway. You all decided to go to some classic touristy spots like the zoo and aquarium, which the boys definitely loved, and a history museum, which for some reason really fascinated James and Sirius, they stopped at nearly every attraction and stared in awe, especially when it came to the dinosaur fossils.Â
You chalked it up to them being typical boys and found it almost comical, they acted like they had never seen some of the stuff.
After a long day filled with fun, you were in need of a rest. Luckily, you and the boys had rented rooms at a hotel nearby, knowing that it would be too far a journey to go back home at the end of the day.
After a quick bite to eat at a cute little cafe, you and the boys made your way to the hotel. It was a short journey, just up the road from where you had been spending the whole day.
âI just donât understand,â Sirius said while walking to the hotel, âThose paintings, they were pretty, but why were they in a museum? They didnât even move.âÂ
You laughed and continued walking. âOf course they donât move Siri, theyâre paintings.â you replied.Â
Sirius opened his mouth, looking like he was going to question you, but Remus nudged him and shook his head at Sirius, halting him from asking any more silly questions.Â
You reached the lobby of the regal hotel you were to stay at. Remus told the three of you to wait, that he would check in and grab the keys. You hung back with Sirius and James and talked about all the fun animals you saw. James was recalling a particular shark that he liked when Remus returned to the group.
âUh, small problem,â He started, making the three of you turn your attention to him, âThere's been a mix up with the rooms.â
You furrowed your brows, what kind of mix up could there possibly be? You thought you booked everything correctly. âWhat do you mean âmix upâ?â you asked.
Remus sighed. âWell uh, instead of two rooms with two beds each, thereâs two rooms with one bed.â
âOh,â you said. âThatâs not a problem, we can share, right?â you looked at the other boys. They nodded in agreement.
âOk, how do we want to split the rooms then?â Remus asked.
âIâll go with Y/N.â James said in a rush.
Sirius looked at him and scoffed. âThat is like calling dibs on someone, you can't-â
âI didn't call dibs on her, I just said-âJames interrupted. They began talking over each other.
â-Look, personally, I think itâs just unfair if-â
â-shut up Siriusâ
âJames kicks in his sleep.â Sirius turned to comment to you.
âDo not!â James defended himself
âYes you do! Tell that to all the bruises I have acquired over the years!â Sirius shot back at him.
âMaybe I kick because you toss and turn constantly-â James was interrupted again, this time by Remus.
âBoys,â he said calmly, having had to break up these types of arguments many times, âHow about we let Y/N decide who she wants to room with, yeah?â
With that, all the attention was now directed at you. âOh. I donât mind, I can share with whoever,â you said, not wanting to hurt anyoneâs feelings by picking one person over the other two.Â
Remus sighed and turned to the other two boys. He muttered something to them and they all agreed by nodding, then broke into a game of stick and stones. This made you giggle, so incredibly childish of them, but so incredibly amusing to you. You thought for a moment that maybe they were playing to see who would be stuck with you, that maybe none of them actually wanted to share a bed with you. But this theory of yours was proven wrong when Remus was eliminated and swore at the other two. You giggled again.
James and Sirius continued until Sirius groaned and threw his head back, James laughing in victory. He swung an arm around you and said, âLooks like youâre stuck with me tonight, love.â James grabbed one room key from Remus, and started to lead you two to your room.Â
Before you made it very far, Sirius whispered to you âIâm not joking he kicks.â
You smiled and bid Remus and Sirius goodnight before making your way to your room.
James, always the gentleman, carried your bag for you and opened the door for you when you reached the correct room. You shuffled in and took a look around. The room was quite big and luxurious.Â
The bed was king sized, so you were a little more relieved. You walked in and plopped yourself right in the middle of it. James set your bag down and looked around the room as well.Â
âOh uh, I can sleep on the floor or something by the way. Iâm sure thereâs extra pillows and blankets in the closet.â He said.
You sat up and looked at him. âNo! Donât be ridiculous James, Iâm not making you sleep on the floor.â you laughed. âBesides, thereâs plenty of room for both of us in this bed.â you pat the spot next to you.
James was blushing but trying to play it cool. âOk, as long as youâre okâŠâ
You rolled your eyes at him but smiled. He sat on the bed next to you.
âSo is it true?â you asked, looking up at him.
âIs what true?â he asked back.
You laughed and replied âThat you kick.â
He chuckled and shook his head. âNo⊠I mean maybe. How should I know Iâm asleep.â he laughed.
âHave you and Sirius shared a bed a lot? I mean⊠for him to bring it upâŠâ you said, trying to not make it seem like you were asking something too personal. You have seen them laying together often on the couch⊠you knew they were close and often brushed it off as something they did as friends, that they were just cuddling and affectionate. But know⊠know you werenât too sure, with Siriusâs comment and all. Maybe they were more than friendsâŠ
James chuckled again and thought for a moment. Then he replied, âYeah we have⊠when we were younger, in school, he would climb into my bed a lot when⊠well, Sirius doesnât have a particularly great family. So when he would get sad or stressed or⊠I donât know⊠if heâd have any feelings relating to it, heâd often climb in my bed. Weâd talk about it, or sometimes just lay there, then eventually we would fall asleep.â he turned to you to continue. âThen when he was about 16, he ran away from home and came to live with me. For a while we only had one bed,â he laughed, âbut we didnât really mind. It wasnât until Remus came to live with us that we all got our separate rooms.â
âWait,â you said a bit confused, âRemus came to live with you too?â
James nodded. âYeah, a little while after Sirius did. Remus also has⊠a complicated family history. So yeah⊠weâve all shared beds but⊠I guess we just like to be close to each other.â
You felt so bad, so guilty for bringing it up. You thought that maybe⊠but it was actually much worse, sadder. âOhâŠâ you said, because that was really the only thing you could say. âIâm sorry I didnât mean to bring-â
âOh no! Itâs fine.â James stopped you. âWe're all the better for it.â He smiled.
You nodded but still felt a little bad. You hopped up and told him you were going to shower quickly. He said alright and that he would find something to watch for the two of you. Showereng, you still felt awful for assuming that maybe they had slept together, when in reality, they were just boys who were affectionate, and⊠ugh.
You dried off and changed into some comfy clothes, stepping out into the cold bedroom.
James was already in some sleeping pants and a hoodie, leaning back on the headboard, staring at the tv screen. âI found two movies we could watch either Jurassic World or Mulan, but if I had to pick⊠Iâd wanna watch Jurassic World.â he said, looking at you with pleading eyes.
âYou really liked the dinosaur exhibit today didnât you?â you laughed.
âI really liked the dinosaur exhibit.â he echoed and smiled at you, turning the movie on.
You climbed into bed right alongside him, also leaning against the headboard. You two watched the movie and talked for a while longer before either of you got tired. It was midnight when both of you decided to sleep, knowing that it would be an early morning.
âY/N?â Jamesâs voice sounded from beside you.
âHmmâ you answered, trying to get comfortable.
âIs it ok if I take my shirt off?â he asked.
You froze completely. James was incredibly fit and you would be lying if you said you didnât love the thought of sleeping next to him shirtless. But it was just like him to ask before doing it, to make sure he wasnât making you uncomfortable at all.
âU-uh yeah go for it.â you stammered. Thank god he had already turned off the lights or else he would see the red hue staining your face.Â
He pulled off his hoodie and threw it across the room. You turned onto your side, away from him as you heard him say âGoodnight Y/Nâ.
âGoodnight,â you replied.
You couldnât sleep immediately, the one reason being that you were under the AC, which, after being in the shower, made you so much colder. You tried to pull the comforter up more, but James turned to you.
âYou alright, love?â he asked.
âYeah, just cold.â you said, trying to keep your teeth from chattering. James got up and found his hoodie from where he threw it and handed it to you.
âOh no,â you began to protest, but it was no use, he was already bunching it up over your head. You gave in and let him slip the warm fabric over your body.
âBetter?â he asked.
âA little,â you said as he climbed back into bed, truthfully, it did help, but you were still slightly cold.
You felt the bed shift, then felt his arms around you. If you weren't blushing before, you definitely were now. You made to protest, to say that it was ok and that he didnât have to but before you could get a word out James shushed you.
âShh, I run very warm.â he said sleepily, and it was true. He was like a human furnace, like a heated blanket wrapped around you.
You smiled and curled up to get more comfortable. You must have accidentally brushed Jamesâs leg while doing so because he let out a yelp then a laugh.
âWhy are your feet so cold!â he whisper shouted, making you giggle and apologize.
âI run very cold.â you joked.Â
You both layed there, getting warm and dozing off. You wished you could feel it every night, it was like the sun was shining perfectly on you, you could get used to this. But he was your roommate and you didnât want to make anything weird between you all, even if that meant never feeling warm enough in bed again.
i hope this is good... idk. also james got what he wanted from last part lmao
Taglistđ: @too-efn-old-to-be-here @cometsghost @eeviee4 @giuli-in-earth @spicybearnaise @the-lavender-girl @adharalikethestar @champomiel @itsleroyposts @enamoredwithbella @babymash @ilovejamespottersomuch @liszblog @sammyreid @kiaslily @idkman5335 @willowlovestheweasleys @lady-balem
#marauders#marauders era#marauders au#sirius black#james potter#remus lupin#marauders headcanon#marauders fanfiction#james potter x reader#the marauders#remus lupin x reader#sirius black x reader#james x reader#remus x reader#sirius x reader#padfoot#moony#prongs#marauders fic#marauders x reader#marauders x y/n#marauders x you#james potter x y/n#james potter x you#sirius black x y/n#sirius black x you#remus lupin x y/n#remus lupin x you#poly!marauders x you#poly!marauders imagine
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Why Regulus dying was crucial to the plot of Art Heist Baby!
It really pisses me off and people say "Omg it's so sad that Regulus never finished the heist, why did the author have to kill him?! He never finished his life's purpose" No it's not, because that wasn't what he wanted in life, he achieved everything that he wanted.
The story doesn't work if Regulus lives. Art Heist Baby isn't about the heist. I mean it kind of is, that was what drew me into the fanfic, why I read it. But, as I read it, I realized that it's not about the heist, it's about love, it's a love letter from @otrtbs, the author, to art history and to the fandom, and about the love of found family, brothers reuniting, and falling in love and all the sappy stuff.
But Regulus and the readers by extension, have always thought that it's about the heist, that it's about the infamy and being remembered, and that's how he lives forever, the heist gets him his brother back, the heist lets him live forever.
But then in Copenhagen, when he's literally dying, he's having this internal monologue, like, maybe I failed this heist and it's not successful and I didn't do what I wanted and I wasn't the best person, but I was loved, I am loved and I have loved back, he says that he knows he can take that love with him wherever he goes, even if he's a damn star in the sky, it doesn't matter. He's taking that love with him, it lives on, and that is its own form of immortality. That's what Regulus had been searching for this entire time and even after Regulus dies, James is still there, and Sirius and Barty and Evan hell all the others in the team, and it's like even death can't defeat that kind of love. We see James talking to Regulus every night and recounting memories and keeping Regulus alive in a way, which is what Regulus always wanted!!!! Just not in the way he thought he was going to get it.
I mean, otherwise what's the alternative? Regulus lives and he's happy with James, and maybe that's better than living on an infamy and better than the heist because, well, he's actually alive, but it's not just about love. Regulus and by extension, the reader wouldn't have this moment of realisation like, oh, it's love, love is the answer. Love is what makes all of us a little bit immortal for a little while. That's what it's all about in the end. Not the money or fame or notoriety. Just love. And Regulus dying feels like it was the best way Nat could have driven that point home. Like plz look past the heist, what else is there?
Because Regulus spent his whole life thinking that this was his goal. Just one more heist, that's what he'd always said right? One more heist, this is the last one. This is it. He'll have achieved everything he's ever wanted. Except, it's not what he wanted. Because throughout the story, he gets his brother back, he gets Sirius back in his life after spending years in silent mourning dangling just as precariously as the daunting Degas in the bathroom, he gets his brother back. He sees Barty and Evan who have spent their whole life going back and forth, finally getting together. He watches them grow up and grow together, and he spends his entire life with them. He brings together this group of strangers, this ragtag team of random people that applied via a fucking poster about a lucrative job and watches them bond. He watches relationships form, he connects with the Remus through annotations and books and a shared love for Sirius, he organizes dorlene's proposal and wedding!!!!
He bonds with all these people that he never would have met if he led a normal life, and then he meets James. He meets James Potter, who teaches him everything, who lets him borrow his bravery and shows him that life could be so much more if he wanted it to be, which he does.
"I love you, that's all." His last words, love, that's all. Not the heist, not the drop offs, not the money or the fame or the glory. Love, that's all. He started getting involved with the heists to feel loved, to get the attention that Sirius got from their parents growing up. Some superficial kind of love, and his life ends after he gets real love, platonic and romantic. Love, that's all, not the heist. He died with everything he knew he always wanted but never had the bravery to attain until then. That's why he said maybe he hadn't lived a long life but he lived the best life he could have.
Nat literally told us the reason with Regulus' last words and all of us decided to turn a blind eye to it, yes, yes ik it was heartbreaking to see him die and not live in the house in Brazil with James but we do see them meet again in the epilogue don't we? And let's trust Regulus and the author both when they said
"in every lifetime?"
"in every one."
#sorry for the rant#but i stand by every word i said#art heist baby#regulus black#marauders#marauders era#fuck jkr#james potter#jegulus
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â§âË⧠â[ kinda like a rom-com! ]â
ft. scott summers x f! reader â xmen, marvel
â°â⧠watching a horror movie is the perfect set-up for romance, but unfortunately for the xmen, scottâs a bit of a dumbassâ1.4k words
contains: ooc scott probably, heâs the biggest dumbass ever, i thought this was cute, anyways, fluff, the entire x mansion ships it, descriptions of horror movies, the title & ending probably doesnât make sense because i donât actually watch rom-coms but i think it fits because itâs romantic comedy shortened, written before october started
†author's note: do people even want scott content?
itâs adorable, really, how a mutant who has faced countless dangers throughout your entire life and bravely battled adversaries head-on was now cowering by his side and covering your eyes with your hands, fingers slightly parted to still allow you to peer at the screen to satiate your curiosity of what would happen next.
âi didnât think you would be this terrified,â he chuckles.
âi didnât think we would be watching a horror movie tonight!â you hissed in return. âwe usually watch superhero movies, why are we suddenly putting on supernatural stuff when october hasnât even started yet?â
movie nights were pretty commonplace in the mansion, one of many activities hosted to encourage bonding between the inhabitants just in case being mutants on its own wasnât enough to do the trick. scott loved these nights, because not only was it a nice break from being a professor who would have just spent this night grading papers, it also let him grow closer to you as you always find yourself in his company one way or another whether it was simply sitting next to each other or happening to hide in the same spot to catch a break from all the screaming children with unpredictable powers.Â
little did you know that all of these coincidences were a result of careful planning by your co-workers in hopes that a confession would bring itself closer to the present. from ororo making it rain on the way home to force the two of you to share an umbrella, to jean nudging him during the best times to talk to you after reading your mind and helping him pick out personalized gifts you would loveâ hell, even logan let him steal two bottles of beers so that he could help comfort you after a bad day (although, it might have just been because he wouldnât stop begging and shut up until he handed some of his stash over. he brings it up every time they bicker to get a leg up on him).
it seemed everyone aside from you knew about this, like an inside joke you missed out on because even the students had the tendency to giggle when seeing you two interact. the only reason scott hasnât confessed first was simply due to your obliviousness to your own feelings which would likely end in a rejection. itâs not in vanity where he believes this, but in fact when the redhead telepath informed him that you just hadnât realized what you felt for him wasnât platonic. realization was inevitable and bound to hit you like a ton of bricks, and after some squealing from embarrassment in your room, it would only be a matter of time before you sought him out to confess. except, no one has the patience to wait for you to do so organically, hence the constant match-matching that has become so common that they donât even think before doing so sometimes. everyone plays the part of wingman except for charles who thinks they should wait until youâre ready, but that doesnât mean he doesnât find it highly amusing.Â
it was actually the wolverine who suggested picking out a scary movie for tonight as he claimed it was âone of the best ways to get a girl all over ya.â scott didnât quite believe him at first because it sounded too much like something straight out of a cheesy teen drama, but he now realizes that he shouldnât question the two-hundred-year-old guy who has more experience with such things than he could imagine.
you tightly gripped on his bicep, not even realizing that your nails were starting to dig into his skin, staring wide-eyed at the projector image as another character died in a rather gruesome way. really, these movies always overdid the blood and gore, but criticizing it was the last thing on his mind because you were currently holding onto him with a vice and he needed to plot his next move.
his eyes began to wander around the dark room to find nearly everyone focused on the film playing in front of them and a couple of students asleep, turning his head subtly to look around behind his red-lensed glasses until he spotted the white-haired weather manipulator doing the same thing because she was bored out of her mind. (isnât it funny how some people were so uninterested in the movie that they are falling asleep or counting how many heads are in the room while youâre unable to tear your eyes away despite looking like youâre about to cry? youâre so damn cute.)
she mouthed something to him while tilting her head in your general direction, completely inaudible in order not to attract attention. unfortunately for her, scott was an idiot who didnât know how to read lips even though everyone around him assumes that heâs blind and most of the time he might as well be. she rolled her eyes in frustration, wrapping her arm around jeanâs waist (who was understandably a bit confused at first but then did the same) and highlighting the action with a simple motion of her handâ signaling to him that he should do the same.
it looked like a fucking lightbulb went off in his head or something when he mutter a silent âohâ before following her example and pulling you close, resting your head on the side of his chest as if to soothe your fears. it worked like a charm, you buried your face into him and held on for dear life as you braced yourself for another jumpscare, trying to focus on his hand patting your back instead of trembling like crazy.Â
âitâs not even that scary, chill outââ
âno! donât say that!â
scott stopped mid-statement, trying to figure out what the fuck that was until he realized it was jeanâs voice in his head. âhow did you even hear me from where youâre sitting?â
she ignored his question, so he wasnât sure if he was just being too loud or if she was already reading his mind to make sure he didnât fuck up. âdonât finish that sentence, sheâll think youâre making fun of her for being more sensitive towards these things. the poor thing is petrified, how about you take her up to her room instead? i donât think sheâll be able to stomach the ending of this movie.â
he hummed and nodded in agreement, remembering that everyone dies at the end, pulling on your arm to grab your attention and whispering, âcome on, letâs get you out of here.â
you nodded weakly and swallowed, not letting go of him for even a moment as he escorted you out of the living room and up the stairs. âthanks, i didnât think that the movie would be that terrifying⊠and weâre showing that to kids?â
âjust the older kids, all the younger ones are already in bed.â
âand iâm about to join them,â you shuddered, opening the door of your dark room and cringing at the sound of the hinges squeaking. you lingered at the doorway before turning to look at scott, âcould you come hang out in my room with me for a bit?â
âwhat, you want me to check for monsters under your bed?â he laughed.
âs-shut up! iâll just go look for logan then!â
âno-no-no, donât do that, iâll go with you! iâm much better company than that old manâ we can watch some rom-coms until you fall asleep and forget about that stupid movie.â
âi didnât know you were a fan of rom-coms,â you said, turning on the lights and looking noticeably less afraid as the shadows disappeared.Â
âwell, i think my life right now is kinda like a rom-comâŠâ he slipped, admiring how your bed had so many stuffed animals meticulously stacked so that none of them would fall off. your room was just like youâ cute.
âreally? how?â
âiâll, uh, tell you eventually⊠itâs a⊠whole thing, i donât feel like getting into it tonightâ anyway,â he quickly diverted the conversation, digging through your stack of dvds before picking one out. âi havenât seen this one yetâ âsomeone like youââ iâve heard good things about itâ the male lead kinda looks like logan if he took care of himself.â
heâll tell you soon when he finally hears your confession, or if he goes crazy before then because he has to spend one more day without being able to call you âhis.â whichever comes first.
#đ. her works#scott summers#scott summers x reader#x men#x men x reader#cyclops#cyclops x reader#marvel#marvel x reader
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Ch. 32 All Hands on Deck
You sigh as you take a look around your now empty apartment. You always dreamed of having your own place to call home, and this was the first time you ever got close to feeling that. In your adult life, youâve lived in three apartments; the first one got doxxed and you had to move 2 months in, the second your landlord so kindly kicked you out of, and the thirdâŠ.
You sigh again.
Just as you finally go to turn and walk away from this beautiful apartment you and your cats called home for almost a year, you feel a buzz in your pocket and pull out your phone to see a new message on your screen.
You laughed, put in good mood by your new roommate, Hanniâs, antics. You know sheâs joking - her boyfriend apparently being good friends with haechan. The name alone passes through your thoughts and causes your small smile to flicker down. Itâs been two weeks now since your last conversation with the boy, when you first met Hanni and saw the apartment youâre now moving into. Two weeks since your fight - if youâd even call it that - over text. You havenât seen him in the hallway, havenât talked to him or any of his friends over text, and havenât heard even a peep from the shared wall you both had. It was almostâŠeerie. Before, haechan would try everything in his power to get your attention. It makes you realize that if he wanted to fall off the face of the Earth, he could; especially since he so easily fell off the face of your Earth.
Youâre stuck in your thoughts when Jaemin pokes his head in your front door, âY/n, hurry the fuck up! Everyone else is already there and I wanna beat rush hour traffic!â His boisterous tone echoes through the empty space and reverberates into your ears, making you wince. You roll your eyes and choose to ignore his words as you pick up the last box in your entryway. You donât look back, just close your door and lock it for the last time.
What you do look at, however, is Haechanâs door as you pass. As always, thereâs no sound on the other side, just radio silence. You were silently hoping for a repeat of last time; that he would burst through and bump into you, forcing all your stuff on the ground and giving you the chance to lock eyes with him one last time. You canât deny the anxiety in your heart as you realize you might never see haechan again. It isnât a normal feeling by any means, and it upsets you. You know, however, that you have to let yourself feel it - feel the guilt at blocking out the boy who liked you simply because he knew who you were. In the two weeks since your..chat..youâve really reflected on your actions and realized you might have overreacted a bit too much. And even when you wanted to say something, your pride stopped you. Now here you are, turning away from the door of the boy you loved, knowing you missed your chance to get him-
You donât even get a chance to finish that thought as you realize too late that you missed the first step on the stairs, and are currently on a fast track plummeting down. You know that with the box in your hands blocking your view, and youâre already distracted thoughts stuck on a boy who wanted nothing to do with you, thereâs no one else to blame for this mess but yourself. All you could do was close your eyes and hope you didnât seriously injure yourself, bracing yourself for the impact-
That never came.
You find yourself exhaling in released adrenaline, feeling the warm touch of another person wrapped around your frame. You look down before you look up, seeing the box you were holding thrown down and scattered at the bottom of the stairs, a sorry victim in your clumsiness. Finally you look up at your savior, expecting Jaemin to be shaking his head at you in disappointment as he hypes himself up for âsavingâ you. However, you notice in that moment that Jaemin is off to the side, wide eyed and frozen - staring at your real savior. And thatâs when you register that Haechan was staring down at you, a mix of fear, panic, and something else unknown to you swell in his eyes. You canât stop the shiver that runs up your spine as you become hyper aware of every touch and look he has on you; that all his attention and thoughts are solely yours. It makes you shake in happiness, in a sick and twisted way. You know that all the animosity is somewhat your fault, but knowing that Haechan is finally paying attention to you - regardless of the circumstances - still warms you inside.
You donât realize how this might look to anyone on the outside - the both of you, stood in each others arms, not saying a word but staring at each other with your faces close - until Jaemin loudly clears his throat and gapes at the both of you. You immediately push yourself away from the man in front of you, your face getting red in embarrassment. âUh..thank you, sorry..â you trail off, not able to look him in the eye as you scratch your neck and shift your balance from one leg to another. Haechan seems to be in a similar boat, not able to look you in the eye as he adjusts his backpack on his shoulder.
âYeah, donât mention itâŠâ and thereâs that silence again. Youâre preparing to side step Haechan and say goodbye when he traps you once again in front of him, this time with his words.
âSo, youâre really leaving?â The boy in front of you seems to be filled with conflicting emotions; you can see something like disappointment cross his face, with a dash of anger and a pinch of sadness. On better terms, you might laugh at the storm of emotions brewing across Haechanâs face, however those better days arenât now, so you choose to ignore your observation in favor of answering his question.
âYep, I think itâs time. I donât want to stay in one place for too long, and I think itâll be nice having a roommate for awhileâŠâ You trail off as you watch Haechan nod slowly, listening to you. Finally, after a beat of silence where you can practically see the gears turning in his head, he takes a deep breath in.
âWell, Iâll miss youâ
The shock on your face is probably obvious, but at this point you donât care. You know that haechan still loves you, regardless of if he shows it or not, but him blatantly saying heâll miss you was the final straw. That canât have been easy for him, knowing the boy in front of you has pride like nothing youâve ever seen. It makes you emotional knowing that regardless of the now rocky relationship, he still can be brave enough to say how he feels. Youâre envious of that; of the guilt free burden he must be carrying to be able to wear his emotions in his sleeve so easily. You know that if you had even an ounce of his courage in you, this whole âsituationâ might not have happened. Thereâs no point in thinking about the what ifâs, you suppose, but you still canât shake the dread of this possibly being the last time you see Lee Haechan, so you donât hold yourself back from feeling however you want to.
You understand that youâve been staring at the boy in front of you in shock and silence for a good 30 seconds, when Jaemin shakes you out of your reverie once more - his words, this time, not just directed at you.
âCan the both of you stop staring at each other like youâre having a telepathic conversation and instead just go somewhere and talk normally like..yknow..ADULTS!â Jaemin was clearly over whatever interaction this was, and while you would want nothing more than to just clear away all these issues once and for all, you canât say if Haechan would also want to; you instead choke out a soft spoken, âno itâs okayâ just as you hear the brown haired boy in front of you confidently exclaim, âthanks jaemin thatâs a great ideaâ and youâre so surprised quite frankly that you find yourself doing a double take, staring at haechan with saucers for eyes.
âB-but, I have to move and you obviously have a class or something.â You try and talk your way out of it, suddenly feeling a bit too shy.
âNope, I donât. Iâm coming back from class actually,â He smirked at you, but if you didnât know any better you would say there was something else in his eyes, something else that looked like uncertainty, âbut if you have to move Iâm not gonna stop you.â
Jaemin chimed in with an eye roll, ây/n, itâs not that deep we already moved most your stuff and I can finish taking over these last boxes, just go.â
You suddenly felt very corralled - like a sheep on a farm - to go to this âsecond locationâ and talk with haechan. However, to be fair, you know he deserves it. And frankly, so do you. So, with a sigh, you accept defeat and nod your head softly, taking note of the way Haechan perks up at the indication. âFine, yeah, we can go somewhere and talk.â Jaemin seems satisfied with this, nodding his head curtly before continuing his walk down the stairs, picking up the items you dropped as he goes.
âPerfect! Just come over to the new place afterwards, okay? Weâll all be thereâŠwaiting.â He finished with a laugh. You rolled your eyes at him before focusing your attention on Haechan again, who had been looking at you the entire time you watched Jaemin. In the back of your mind, you knew this was a bad idea, a sense of dread washing over you as you locked eyes with the boy youâve come to miss. You felt as if something was going to happen that either you wouldnât be able to control or that would break your heart into a million pieces; regardless, it scared you. But you tell keep telling yourself that regardless of what happens, you know that losing Haechan without putting up a fight was going to be the worst outcome, so you push your anxieties aside as you watch Haechan open his mouth to finally ask,
âShall we go?â
GG! (Good Game!) đŸ
Notes: hey yallâŠđŹđŹđŹđŹ weâre just gna pretend I wasnât gone for a month ok??? But listen I had some major developments in my life like for example I got a boyfriendâïž
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Taglist: @n0hyuck @dudekiss3r @injunnie-lemon @yewshi @222brainrot @dokgrayson @lttlekomori @multifandomania @sunflowerbebe07 @beommii @markeroolee @lionzyon @starfilledgaze @lostinneocity @insaneanddrained @chenlesfavorite @hyucktion @lampcults @nctjunie @oreosareara @stqrgr7 @catpjimin @chan-yeoldelling @hahaechans @joonsprettygf @nessaassen02 @acaisahi @norrreee @minkyuncutie @junrenjun @honeynanamin @jae-n0 @ljljljljoo
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#lee Haechan#lee donghyuck#haechan#Donghyuck#nct#nct 127#nct dream#nct 2024#lee Haechan imagine#lee haechan x reader#haechan x reader#nct x reader#nct 127 x reader#nct dream x reader#nct dream angst#nct dream fluff#nct 127 angst#nct 127 fluff#nct angst#nct fluff#SMAU#nct SMAU#nct text series#nct texts#mine#good game#nct dream SMAU#nct 127 SMAU#lee Haechan fluff#lee haechan angst
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May I share some grieving thoughts from someone who has walked this road too many times for folks who may not have been through this before?
It is okay to feel how you feel, and there is no rhyme or reason to it. Your feelings are valid for you, and may not match what others are going through at the same time or at all, and it is okay. The only way out is through. Sometimes all you can do is the next right thing. And that is enough.
It is okay to box those feelings up for short periods of relief: just donât leave them shoved away permanently. The only way out is through. But taking a time out is okay.
The loss and pain of the moment does not taint the past, in the long term. It may feel like it, but time and perspective will remind you what a gift the journey before was. That joy, love, growth while the person was alive is still valid and important and shaped who you are today. It is okay to celebrate that. It is okay if it is bittersweet. We honor the person by keeping that journey intact. They impacted us, and that is an important thing to honor in their story. Watch the videos. Replay the conversations. Celebrate what was. Donât give death the power to ruin their positive impact on you.
Just like their absence hurts you, if you fall into being absent in your life because of the pain, you are causing your loved ones that same pain. Choose to honor the deceasedâs life by loving yours fully, by being that light you are missing for the people in your life like the deceased was for you. I try to be thankful for the things I get to experience, even without them, because I am going to experience the hell out of them and then someday tell him about all the stuff he missed out on. Even though I believe he is here and sees.
Donât perpetuate the pain, or initiate a legacy of withdrawal. Pick an honoring activity - for me it is tipping outrageously in their memory and finding joy in the joy they would have found in it. Make it something they championed, or took quiet pleasure in. Keep it to yourself, something between you and their memory. Walk a shelter dog and chat with your person, hide hug rocks, donate read books to the library, serve in a food center. Whatever makes you recall the bond you felt. And love people, for you and for them. The best legacy is one of love and joy, not sorrow and hurt.
Of course, it will be up and down. It strive for the up. Time does heal, and it DOES get better. Donât let the negative win. Donât let rot taint their life. OneDirection will never be the same. But it still meant a lot, and that should be honored. It can still mean a lot going forward, and that is honoring.
It has been 5 years since my last big loss. It catches me by surprise sometimes still. But their story is done, and mine goes on: I still reach for the joy I had in getting to be a part of their story. I refuse to lose that too. Because people are involved in my story now. I am still a part of theirs. And I donât want them to have this hurt of me dropping out of my story: And I let him live on in my adventures, my good work with disadvantaged people, and my love for the people and world I am in. That is the only thing I can still give them, and with time, I am able to do that more and more.
It hurts. It hurts so much. It feels like I canât breathe, like it overwhelms everything I do, and like I just want to hug his momma so much it causes me physical pain. But each day, it will get a little better. It will blindside you, may catch you by surprise, and that is okay. Because estoy know it wonât be like this forever.
Anyway. I thought grief was a straight line process, and if I power through the stages, it would be done with. That I was betraying their memories by laughing, finding joy, continuing my story. I hope this helps anyone feeling unsure or overwhelmed or lost or guilty.
Thank you for all of this, darling. I'm so sorry you have so much experience with grieving. But your insight is so helpful. â€ïž
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thoughts on dave and aradia (<>)?
day 356
BIG fan tbh. in this house we love and respect timerails
truly yall read this log and tell me theyre not cute
#day 356#year 4#dave strider#aradia megido#aradave#homestuck#she really saw this kid and was like OH YOU HAVE ISSUES WITH YOUR MORTALITY?? :D#boy do i have some relevant life experience and wisdom to impart on THAT ISSUE SPECIFICALLY#and then she just. very gently and kindly makes the subject more approachable for ghostdave#the pesterlog i linked is literally my FAVORITE aradia moment. to me it is THE character defining moment for god tier aradia#yes she is being kind of ominous and trickstery at first#but it VERY quickly becomes clear shes got genuine concern for this kid she's had very little to do with up until this point#she really wants to connect with him over their shared time aspect stuff#and she really DOES care about how he feels about everything. she wants to help and she wants to put him at ease#because she KNOWS from experience that being dead and having to cope with what that means for you is like VERY UPSETTING AND TRAUMATIC#shes not just like. 'hee hee i think death is great and awesome because im edgy'#shes like 'no dude being dead is scary if you dont have anybody to explain this shit to you. so im going to explain it-'#'-and hopefully by the end of this conversation you will have some new things to feel relief and maybe even joy and excitement about'#'not just in spite of the death thing but BECAUSE of it'#i know shes spooky and has weirdgirl swag and we all love that about her but like#at her core she is a very KIND person. she may occasionally struggle to connect to people through the Death Special Interest Haze#but she WANTS to and when she DOES she is like. a genuinely very warm and comforting presence for her friends#ANYWAY. if andrew hussie or i guess james roach now want to give me an honorary doctorate for my 12+ years of intensive aradia studies#i will be here waiting patiently#timerails
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played dragon age 2...just simple scribbles
#dragon age tag#i doubt that will see much use again..but who knows. vvv rambling below#weird game..the characters dialogue stuff and ending were good tho :')#i've played some of the first game but it kept crashing. i knew already despite knowing nothing that this guy was going to be my type#it doesnt feel right making video game art any more bc games like this end up feeling really personal - an experience that happened to me#if i design the main character a bit and fall in love then..that happened to me..i can't make Fan Art of that..only ive been through that..#like i cant make fanart of my dear companions in bg3 despite it having been a huge part of my heart in the last year#almost 1000 hours of playtime in something i can barely talk about bc it means too much.... lol#tons of ideas and conversations and extra thoughts and scenes and emotions about all the incredible times i've been through in bg3#and the maelstrom just rotates around intensely in my own heart forever...but that's ok too...that is so precious to me#but fortunately i already knew people that have played this game and talked/drew abt it recently so it was saved from that for me#sharing scribbly fanart on my Blog is a way to capture the feeling just after experiencing something so it has good points#witch hat atelier escapes that by not being a GAME. games are so immersive. but my wha art & feelings are incredibly immersive too#which makes it difficult sometimes now. i live a complicated and emotional life <3 i am not suited to fandom <3#my character ended up looking so much like oru without me realising that's what i was doing. Kind bearded fireball throwing gay mage. Hmm.#falling for a sad white hair memory trauma fellow that keeps you at a tragic distance. Hmmmmmm.#i see also how very much bg3 is inspired by stuff like dragon age now lol so i'm glad i experienced it. I WANT MY KIRKWALL LIFE BACK...#so dated though as well and unpleasant at times (the city and the dismal atmosphere was depressing.) i hate violence/horror..#bg3 is SOOOO very dismal but it feels like I am killing people and going through horrors because i have to survive i have to be free#Well anyway. ahh it's so refreshing to fall in love. my gay journey continues...
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What is this "proshippers" stuff that I have been seeing all over the internet? Is it a bad thing?
Good morning, anon!
I just gotta say before I start, your timing đ I absolutely love this question because you're making me research and I have a lot to say, but I just finished the gym so please picture a trembling T-Rex over the keyboard as you read this.
Short answer: Proshippers are people who believe in 'ship and let ship', even if the ships can be viewed as problematic, but not all proshippers ship problematic ships. It is not a bad thing, if you take into account the whole picture and not just specific problematic examples. BUT over time, people have come to use proshipper as 'problematic shipper' so it depends who you're talking to?
I'm not an authority on what is bad or good, the best I can do is give you the different points, and let you decide how you feel about the topic.
WHEW, THIS GOT LONG AND PERSONAL SO BUCKLE UP!!
This Reddit thread sums up what proshipping is really nicely, and I'm just going to add onto what's already said there.
CONTEXT
As an older fandom member myself, and back in my day, proshipping and a lot of the labels you see floating around wasn't a thing. At least, not to me. Back when I was active on Tumblr over a decade ago, everyone just kinda stuck in their own corners, doing their own thing with their niche group of people.
Then, as time shifted, the fandom became more popularized and acceptable, you have more people coming in to engage with the culture. As I mentioned in my ACOTAR fandom analysis (which can be applied more broadly), fandom really started as the weirdos being weird together on our weird little site (and I say this with the utmost affection). With more people participating, you have more opinions coming into the mix with more discussions happening. Not to mention, how the pandemic brought fandom to the eyes of the general public making it a lot easier for them to shame and comment on something they don't necessarily understand.
One thing that you'll see me repeating on this blog is that art is a form of expression, exploration and therapy. Art can be problematic and it can be harmful to some people, but the beauty of fandom is that tags are a form of etiquette to help cater your experience and I do see most people trying to do it. You are in control when you are in fandom. You do not need to engage with anything you do not like, but the responsibility is on you (not others) to manage your experience.
TWO WAYS TO LOOK AT PROSHIPPING
As mentioned above, at its core, to be pro-ship means that you are all for people shipping whatever the hell they want because it's none of your business. By that definition, you could look at it more as a movement or a belief system, rather than a 'label'. It's a belief of freedom of expression and being anti-censorship rather than focusing on problematic ships.
As of late, and with my return to Tumblr after an eternity (it feels like a whole new place, btw), proshipping has morphed into meaning 'problematic-shipping'. I see people tagging their blogs as 'proshippers DNI' and then list that they are anti-incest or underage content. This is a totally fair request, but it lumps the idea that you have the right to ship anything as you're specifically pro those two things or anything that is specifically problematic.
THE PROBLEM WITH 'PROSHIPPING' READ AS 'PROBLEMATIC SHIPPING'
If you're someone who stands by the second definition and that proshippers are all, by default, people who stand by problematic ships, you may risk falling into the trap of extremes, generalizations and censorship in a way that I find is harmful to people who use fandom as an escape.
Where do you draw the line about what's problematic? Some people say that age gaps are problematic, but as an adult, I think that a 30 year old dating a 50 year old is not inherently problematic. At 30, your brain chemistry changes and you are mature enough to make these kinds of decisions. There is a certain age where the ages start to blur and you don't really feel the difference between generations. Then, there's a hundred other questions you can ask. Did those two people start dating now at those big old ages? Or did it start younger? What was the context?
Speaking of context, there are a lot of people who will see a tag or a ship and immediately deem that work as problematic. It's important to remember that there is so much more at play than just the text itself, and you can't always make a direct moral correlation between the art, artist and perceiver. All three of these present a different perspective. The art is the finished product, the artist comes with their own set of experiences and so does the perceiver.
SOME EXAMPLES & DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVES
(tw: abuse)
Two more things I'd like to add.
I haven't yet read the Death of the Author which a theory that says you shouldn't take into account the author when you are reading a text, but rather how the text or the art makes you feel, but fandom is so tightly knitted with creators that this is a tricky approach to take. With larger more traditionally published works, there's a separation between you, the perceiver, and the author. It's easier and better for discourse to disassociate so you can discuss with your peers what you got from the text.
In fandom, you are among peers and you are already in the community. I am not absolving any problematic ships and I do have personal hard boundaries that I enforce (and do not engage with), but I will say that there are things I can empathize with. There's a reason in fandom that we always so 'don't like, don't read', or why we don't leave critical reviews or why some people think it's bad form to censor/police others.
In fandom, you are creating for you or directly for your community.
Now, I'm gonna get into more personal examples.
As someone who has been neglected, abused (every version under the sun -- physically, sexually, verbally, emotionally, financially, etc.) and other stuff I don't want to get into, writing is my outlet. I don't personally claim the label of victim for personal reasons, but for all intents and purposes, I am one. I am someone who has spent most of my life alone, with my emotions (alone) and my thoughts (alone) because any form of vulnerability or imperfection was punished. When I look back at my life, sometimes I wonder why it feels like I lived the Murphy's Law of abuse.
That said, I only had writing. From the age of 11 to my big old age now, it's the number one way for me to work through emotions without ever having to put my name on it. I didn't have to be the victim and if I needed it, I could write myself a hero. It's a question of reliving experiences or exploring themes in a setting that I can control.
What if my character is assaulted? But what if someone came to comfort them afterwards? Made them feel seen and didn't diminish that pain? Or what if they did take away that pain so the main character doesn't have to carry it for as long as I did? What if I write about power dynamics because having someone you can inherently trust with everything brings me peace?
What if the violence I portray is my way of feeling in control of a situation like that? What if I support women being violent in my work because they deserve to stand up for themselves with the same force of the violence committed against them?
What if I write about ugly things because I see myself as an ugly thing and I want to celebrate that? I love villains. In the eyes of my abusers, I am the villain. (Have you ever been under the thumb of a narcissist? Many narcissists? They are always right, and you are always wrong.) Did you know that as a woman of colour (depending where you are), the more your stand up for yourself and the more you maintain firm boundaries, the more you're treated as a bitch? Or some kind of poison to the world around you? Some men will go out of their way to make you submit, even professionally.
All that said, I do not wish any bad thing on anyone and when I'm done writing my silly little work, the only reason I share it is because I hope someone sees a part of them in this and feels a little less alone. When I finish writing, I log off and live my life bringing as much positivity as I can to every person I interact with because I don't know what they are going through.
I never shared my writing before this year, and let me tell you, the number of people who have told me that they cried, they felt sadness and felt seen by the way trauma was depicted in some of my work -- THIS is why I share. The world is so big, and everyone is so focused on fitting in, or hell, just surviving, and it's easy to feel alone.
So, I can't imagine taking that label of anti-proshipping, or bringing that whole energy of trying to silence and police people when some of the 'problematic' content you see might actually help someone work through some things in a way that works for them without harming real people. (These are works of fiction, and art.)
Would you prefer wiping the entire board because there are some people, yes, who glorify problematic things, but there are more people than you know who see themselves in seemingly 'problematic things' and it heals a little part of them? I'm not saying everyone has a 'valid' excuse, but who am I to play judge and jury? That's not a task I'm personally willing to undertake in a fictional sandbox. I block and move on, that's it.
If, after everything I've said, I do fall under proshipper, please keep in mind that I am fighting for the people who find community, the people who are healing and the people who just want to get away from the performance that is our daily lives.
#I'm sorry if this got long and personal#I genuinely hope that if anyone decides to respond to this they do so with care and empathy#I shared personal stuff that I do NOT like sharing because of years of feeling invalidated and#one of the fandoms I'm in has a really magical way of using trauma or personal information as a way to ONE-up you in the moral olympics#proship#mathi rambles#my asks#trauma
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i lost the post but i saw someone talking about how some of yâall act like being weird is a choice and like. YEAHHHHHHH.
thatâs fine, it might be for you. but i just live like this and donât know any other way. like yeah iâve worked customer service, i can do innocuous small talk, but anything beyond that, i donât understand what iâm missing. and itâs frustrating to see the tonal disconnect especially from people who are like âuwu embrace weirdness!!â where theyâre like. dressing quirky and talking about bugs and listening to obscure music and eschewing small talk to ask Deep Questions on the first date and unlearning their tendency to not infodump. and generally have an idea of what Weirdness is supposed to look like. idk man some of us wake up and get out of bed and canât figure out why the rest of their coworkers chitchat with each other but when they join the conversation it dies.
weirdness is value neutral. letâs stop trying to turn it into a badge because quite frankly, itâs not a choice for everyone. itâs fucking exhausting to never be on the same wavelength as other people and theyâre going to react the way they do and label you the way they will without any conscious actions on your end. itâs difficult to talk about this without feeling like youâll be dismissed as immature, a teenager whining âno one understands meâ but the thing is. sometimes you donât grow out of feeling alone and different, and thereâs no good way to talk about it without feeling like people will think youâre just fishing for pity.
#most of it is stuff i canât help like!!!#coworkers and i donât share a lot of interests so iâm always like. yes iâve heard of that show but havenât seen it. no idk that band sorry#and theyâll like. talk shit abt other people who share my interests without realizing that i also like those things#so i just have to sit there and take it#i feel like i donât have a lot in common with my friends even. a few shared interests but very different lives#in my experience the conscious choice has been to try to keep up with whatâs popular but itâs just. not interesting to me#i got bored and forgot to finish s2 of stranger things and never picked it back up#even alt subcultures have gone kinda mainstream and i never quite slot in#letâs not even touch the gay culture âflagsâ that are extremely online and unrelatablr#and the most frustrating thing. every time i try to talk about myself and my interests i feel people shutting down#one person i know. open mouth sighs in exasperation when i open my mouth#i donât know why youâre making it my problem that weâre different#i know there is supposed to be a niche out there for everyone but some of that feels like#those niches are falling prey to marketability. if youâre too far out of the mainstream. too out of touch. it canât be helped#a lot of messaging online is like. embrace weirdness but only if itâs subversive in a very specific way#too normal to hang out with self-proclaimed proud weirdos. too weird to hang out with normies#like i thought the thing was to disavow performativity. iâm sorry i donât find the same things interesting#i donât care about the office and you donât care about the hundred yearsâ war. thatâs fine. why is that seen as a personal fault of mine#i feel like some of the reaction i get might be bc it comes across as hipster shit. idk#iâm literally just oblivious and looking for any kind of indicator for social interaction#but so often it feels like the onus of finding common ground is on me. i have to listen abt things idk but no one cares what i have to say#i think what makes it more frustrating is this reaction from people who claim to not care. do their own thing#and then get annoyed when i do mine and itâs. different#instead of being like âfuck the mainstream! conformity is bullshit! be yourself!â itâs like#âfuck the mainstream because it doesnât appeal to me personally and iâve made my own club!â#and this is not going to come out right because iâm just at my limit and venting and donât know how to say things the right way#so people donât misunderstand me#i just happen to never like the Right Things and know the Right Things and act the Right Way and idk how else to say it other than#can we be more normal about weird people#idk itâs hard to talk abt this without sounding like iâm just complaining but iâm more bewildered and trying to state things as i see them
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okay yeah ! so i think i am gonna do a xmas theme, also i feel like this "promo" for cool kids / i'm faded is me trying toooooooo hard
(big rant under the cut)
, idk i just get very frustrated at these things so i think im just gonna go back to posting when i wanna, like being so real its always been my dream to be a big account and share with my readers, and at my CORE i still wanna be that but the issue is i dont know WHERE to start, and its not like im a new writer i've been writing since i was like 15 (what i'd consider the writing i like) and im just so ????!! about it, like i feel so physically incapable of being a fandom writer like i can't explain it its everything i want but everytime i work towards it i just self implode and stop posting / stop writing, like i still wanna write OBVIOUSLY but the pressure of wanting to "make it big" destroys me like everytime idek? and it seems so easy when i think about it but then when i do it its like LOL NOPE idc idc how much effort you put in. and yes it could be the fact i've never posted a complete fic so there's really nothing for people to know me for, i just feel like people get "suprised" i write on here LIKE YEAH, i post like insanely haphazardly but yeah i do!! and it feels so preformative and ugh.
also i've struggled for a long time on what i wanna do with this account, i wanna speak up about things which includes RB'ing a shit ton, but ive always had an unhealthy imbalance of what i wanna do on here, i wanna be a writing account but what abt the stuff i wanna bring to light by RB'ing, and yes i have other side accounts but they're all for fun, i dont wanna seperate my intrests because they all belong here, just like i do, its kinda my home atp. i feel like i'm one of those people who you dont miss on dash because i rarely curate my own posts and just silently reblog so ig its kinda my fault. idk, the more ive been thinking i feel like the "big fandom writer" thing isn't gonna be for me, and then AT THE SAME TIME i feel like im shooting myself in the foot everytime i complain and wanna pick up the fight again, but idk ive been whining abt it since i was like 15 and im oh so tired with everything going on in the world so i'm just gonna write my fics.
i feel like i write so diff from everyone else, like when i post something i want it to convey something in you, i want you to feel moved and feel appreciated and loved and happy reading something i make, and i dont even know if my writing is built to do that and i may be just dicksucking myself. idek. i dont wanna post for just notes i wanna talk about what i write with other people and for people to ask me why i chose what i did and why i wrote my stories and how it made them feel or what they like about it, and i just feel like im pandering to an audience that doesn't exist everytime i idek, write author's notes, ask for feedback, talk to people about what they like, i've always taken myself way too seriously and i just feel like modern fandom is so. so.
like i grew up reading 2010's fanfics and thats the kinda vibe i like creating, like 2012 chronically online wattpad stories, with long chapters and chatty authors and a bunch of funny comments, i just idk.
#longpost#on fandom#on fanfiction#very long post#i've been silent on alot of stuff because i get sm anxiety posting?#i literally post a fic every 2 months and dissapeer#sometimes two times a year#i feel like deep in my heart somewhere i want to be more than a fanfic writer in the sense of being a fanfic writer#like idk if that makes sense#i dont wanna be just another person's stuff you read i want you to tell me how you feel#enjoy the experience and share thoughts#and i feel like people don't do that anymore#or at least not around / about me#maybe its bc my account is SO small (or feels so small)#bc ive seen people with 100 followers w bigger engagement than me and its just like AHHH#and everytime i try i get burnt out#i feel stupid i feel silly#adhd paralysis#fandom problems#i rarely even make âtalkingâ posts anymore because i feel like NO ONE sees it#and on wattpad obviously i just post fanfic stuff but on here i wanna do alot#i wanna advocate for the right things i wanna talk abt all my fav things i wanna rb i wanna OG post i wanna post fics#i want engagement i want ppl to comment i just want more than i think i can get tbh#not everyone is cut out for it maybe? and i just keep saying âjust keep tryingâ but its been 3 years. im tired.
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got the posting anxiety bad tonight
#click clack#ok a peak into my thought process and anxiety here we go#ok so the art is almost done and up to standard I would post onto my art blog#BUT for some reason the thought of posting art of my ocs there scares me#because even tho itâs my art blog in my mind itâs the equivalent to a art gallery that demands being detached????? from the art#like once I share it there itâs no longer âmineâ but to the public#and my ocs (plus the stories that go with them) are like the closest to my heart and relinquishing them feels like a lot#a part of my imagination that I spent so much time with developing over the years to be placed up for judgementâŠ#so then the solution could be to put it here on my personal! the online space cozy enough and filled with other posts that could easily bury#the original posts I put here#but there goes my other dilemma. i donât want them too associated with my personal for if one day i do muster up something for publication#my big fear is that ppl will find this space and go thru everything. the fear of being perceived and judged đ”âđ«#all the hypotheticals and anxiety for something that may not even happen#dumb mind problems my head made up đ#anyway writing it out helped lol Iâm posting it to my art blog I decided đ#I have to work on getting that blog to be comfortable space to post⊠i should lower that silly self imposed standard I set for myself#and be whatever about ppl being aware of my online presences#maybe⊠[grinding my teeth] I should post my messy sketches onto my art blogâŠ#I should take my friends suggestion and make a website to feature my ocsâŠđ€#idk my only other solution that doesnât feel viable to mitigate the anxiety is to slowly introduce my ocs in the background of setting art#just a slow drip until they are in the forefront#bleghhh whatever much ado about nothing itâs like I never posted my ocs ever when I have indeed posted them before on both places ( ÂșïŒżÂș )#Iâm realizing it happens too when I post too much fanart in a row⊠I have curator disease??? đ«š#or something I used to be very particular about what order I reblog stuff like it used to be by color and content balanced out#I still do to a lesser degree⊠but it used to be pretty bad#post order compulsion????#the fear of being abrupt and incohesive in between postsâŠ#if you read this far thanks you can now see how much this consumes me đ
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this might be a hot take... but if you care about disavowing media made by bad people out of fear of looking like a bad person yourself more than you care about actually doing good things... you might have your priorities (and your morals) screwed up a bit :/
(see my tags for more of my thoughts on this topic! please try to avoid making make bad-faith assumptions about what i mean!)
#melonposting#there is a good case for not wanting to associate with something on account of the creator being harmful. sure whatever#but people have talked at length about the sort of moral ocd that it promotes when that idea is fervently preached and enforced#i don't know about you but i think there's a big difference between#a) not wanting people to associate with something because the media itself spouts harmful rhetoric#and because its bigoted creator both benefits from people engaging with the books and is idolized by many of the books' fans#and b) not wanting people to vocally enjoy ANYTHING made by ANYONE who's held any harmful ideology at any point#because doing so 'inherently' supports and spreads those harmful ideologies#it's true that you cannot separate the art from the artist#but good people can make bad art and bad people can make good art. artistic talent is not inherently correlated with the artist's morals#the goodness/badness of a person CAN seep into the art they make. and it often does. and that can affect one's enjoyment of it#but even then there's nuance to be had on how to deal with it#like my hero academia for example. when i started watching it in middle school i didn't know how misogynistic it would be#of course i ended up seeing it in the show (and god it's so misogynistic)#and i ended up learning that the 'joke' sexual-harasser character is a self-insert for the creator#which of course i could never get behind. the creator is undeniably a horrible guy#at the same time though the show means a lot to me and i've gained a lot from watching it#i won't elaborate here on how but believe me it isn't superficial. if you want to ask me about it i'd be happy to share#i can hold both in my mind. the disgust and the enjoyment. i don't think those have to be mutually exclusive#of course not everyone is like that; you could immediately stop liking the show on discovering the gross stuff. and that's your prerogative#i don't know... i agree with the values behind avoiding media made by people known to have moral failings#and in some cases (like harry potter and jkr) i fully endorse the values and the practice. but such cases are very specific#but in most cases i fear the practice is misguided and unnuanced and ultimately unhelpful in fulfilling one's values#it is largely a philosophical matter: about how an individual regards their moral standing in the context of themselves and other people#which is important to discuss - especially in our globalized internet age! speaking of which feel free to disagree with me#if you want to have a civil discussion i'm more than open to it#but no matter how important this matter... there are way more important ones in the world. especially right now#calling out people who watch a youtuber who said something bigoted 5 years ago does little to stop that bigotry overall#just have good morals and practice them! support oppressed people! be thoughtful and understanding and compassionate!#callouts and dni lists rarely make for impactful advocacy!!!
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just found out the lead singer of taiwans biggest death metal band is also an active parliament member since like 2015.... and is still active as a death metal singer. he's a pretty standard taiwanese center left anti communist from what i could gather. which like as a leftist i dont really agree with but i also dont know enough abt taiwanese politics to like make a full judgement. though he seems to be a standard liberal nothing remarkable, radical, or new, not overtly horrible but just bland. but that was something i definitely did Not expect. apparently he's very pro indigenous rights and self determination for indigenous people but being in a centre left mega party like the DPP does not seem like the best way to achieve that. But yea, just thought I'd share
#chthinic collabed heavily with collage last year and ik natsuki (lead singer of collage) is very pro indigenous rights and posts abt it a#lot of instagram and i really appreciate the amount of political stuff on her platform. its all very progressive tho v much limited to tw#so idk. i kind of got the cibe of some groups that see taiwanese indigenous issues as seperate to the larger issue of colonialism and#indigenous rights all over the world to conflicts such as palestine. where some other groups have a lot more of the collective consciousnes#and idk. my view is limited and i didnt see that much but when i go back i def wanna look for more political groups in tw and learn about#the political landscape there for leftism. theres a lot of potential in tw imo#chthonic* natsuko**#edit: overall i think that like.. i get the spirit but i feel like for many taiwanese the identity of tw has been everyone united agaisnt#china which i can understand from the perspective of the indigenous ppl that had their land colonized by the japanese then had to share with#the fleeing kmt settlers. but like i dont think that its the best approach to say only china bad rather than big governments threatening to#take your land by force is bad. because idk my take on china and tw is that regardless of the historical claim or wtv. taiwans indigenous#people have been there long before the han ever stepped foot. and china isnt all good as seen in its treatment of the uyghers and tibetans#but is overall not nearly as bad as the west paints it to be. china is neither fully a communist paradise. and has many capitalist undertone#s influence the government ever since deng xiaoping came to power. personally i never fully agreed with mao. i think mao was a necessary#figure in the beginning and let power go to his head and i believe zhou enlai always shouldve been the founder of the PRC#fuck the kmt.. never liked the kmt and it seems as they are also slowly losing favor in tw also. and like... hmm#i need to do more reading tho. none of this is like 100% set in stone how i feel bc theres a lot i dont know
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ahahhh,, not me accidentally deleting the last post i made AHH i'm just going to recite it from memory now (,: so, basically what i said in my previous post was what if i told y'all that blamore's birthday already passed and i didn't make a post about it since it as a character probably spent the day at nico's [ who is his doctor ] because he was very depressed. and i say that because it was actually on july 25th, NGL, you guys AHH [ so like i probably won't reblog any birthday memes since most of them are for the day and it is VERY belated by now buttt... if y'all would like, though there's absolutely no pressure to, you could send something in related to that if you'd like (,: ]
#IT WAS PROBABLY NOTHING BUT IT FELT LIKE THE WORLD: musings.#yeahhh idk... i know this just kind of came out of nowhere y'all but i'm telling you blamore will deliberately try to avoid talking about-#himself despite having forged some friendships and even romantic relationships on here with other muses because it is somewhere-#in between wanting to bury all of the memories of it's 'previous life' deep down within itself and wanting to share them with other's that-#he REALLY trusts about what his life was like because he desperately wants someone to talk to đ it just kind of... hurts you know?#so i just feel like how blamore feels about his birthday varies year-by-year. like one year he'll be eager to share that it's his b-day#though the next it just doesn't feel like doing anything for it really because the one person who always made an effort to try to make-#it's birthday special has been gone for years so that like. makes blamore a bit emotional sometimes NGL.#because it associates it's b-day so closely with it's dad sacha and that's why i feel as if he probably went to nico's this year.#he was the first real friend that he made after his transformation after all so blamore really trusts nico and i'd imagine probably tells-#him stuff that he doesn't tell anyone else so ): yeah.#BUT anyhow... yeah like i said there's absolutely NO pressure for y'all to send me anything if you don't want to but i just want to let-#y'all know that blamore is now a year older now JSJSJ
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dress up nice (and don't get any blood on yourself this time, please)
[collaboration with @dxppercxdxver again. we are still going.]
#em draws stuff#flintlock fortress#team fortress 2#FINALLY this is done it took me more than five hundred thousand years [editor's note: it took them approximately four days]#this one does show a little that I went to tumblr university instead of art school when it comes to certain design elements. So What.#also I am pretty sure that I used up my Realistic Hands quota for the rest of my life somewhere partway through this drawing#forgive me the couple of fucked-up ones because I also drew four really really super nice hands for a different thing. also a jawbone.#maybe I will also post the jawbone since it does look very good#.....anyway. 'twas about time for a Significant Outfitting Moment in these parts.#proves something about my own sensibilities because I do feel a little bit scandalous for having drawn this.#this is honestly a really silly thing for me personally to get scandalized by (for a variety of reasons that I won't share)#I think it would read better if I reordered the panels but ah I simply do not feel like it. take it as it is.#finishing march strong by not doing so so so many tasks and doing this again. if you need me I'll be in the soup for the next while.
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gritting my teeth clenching my fists I need nature nerd friends again so fucking bad
#justin is better to be outdoors with than Hiker Friends because at least his pace is relaxed lol#JUSTIN will point out cool bugs to me and stop to let me take a lot of pictures of them!!#but like I need to get involved at a nature center or something istg I'm wasting away here#I had one(1) highly enthusiastic nature friend who was really fun to do nature stuff with and he broke up with me twelve years ago :')#I think I do still prefer to be alone outdoors but I do also miss Doing Outdoor Activities with others sometimes#that birding trip to magee marsh during spring migration was fucking fun!! bug collecting was fucking fun!!!#DJ was a high energy person but I never remember feeling stressed or harried when we were doing outdoorsy stuff together#cause his energy was pointed in the direction of things I also loved doing so it felt invigorating rather than oppressive#it's funny because I'm so used to VASTLY preferring to be outdoors alone that I forget that we did that kind of thing all the time#oh yeah sharing common interests makes it fun to do activities about those interests together lol#anyway who wants to come look for salamanders with me#about me
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