#I really wish I had a partner to help me thru this

[sensitivegoblin]

Do I cope with sex or sleep?😭

[scarawiki]

idk how this app works help

scaramouche x gn!reader , idk the word count 😬

first one shot ever prbly ooc scara i'm not sure how to write him very well :( most of it is rly self indulgent for comfort im going thru it i fear lawl. not beta read either i almost never write pls be nice 🤕🙏🙏 excuse any grammar or spelling errors

cw: mentions of poor eating habits due to depression & anxiety , mental health stuff , yada yada nothing super explicit

divider creds: @rookthornesartistry

You laid still in your bed that you shared with your partner Scaramouche, while he was out and about finding ingredients for dinner.

Since he left, you were once again alone with your thoughts. Constantly ruminating on the past and picking apart everything. Your mind had kept screaming at you, and you couldn't calm it regardless of what you tried. You were left feeling even more hopeless than before.

Scaramouche had picked up on your "odd" behaviors lately, but you simply brushed it off and just told him,

"I'm probably coming down with something. The weather is changing, don't worry about it too much."

You didn't want to burden him with your silly problems, right? Knowing his past, you didn't want to add more to the mix. You were sure you could deal with it on your own.

Following that afternoon, you sobbed. You were so dizzy and your head was pounding, wishing the world had swallowed you whole already. You felt that Scaramouche deserved someone better than your pathetic self. You didn't understand why you couldn't just feel happy. Why was it so hard? Why can't you get out of bed? Why can't you wake up in the mornings?

You heard the front door opening, and you quickly wiped away your remaining tears that rolled down your face, and tried to get comfortable again. Your whole body ached and you just wanted it all to end.

"(Y/N)? I'm home. I managed to find a few things for later tonight. I had to bargain a lot though, food is getting expensive these days."

Scaramouche called out from the living room, setting down everything on the counter. After no answer, he became curious and knocked on the bedroom door.

"Hey? Don't tell me you're still asleep, it's almost 6 PM."

He let out a small sigh after more silence followed, and then opened the door. He saw you were burrowed under the blankets, and came to sit down on the edge of the bed. He pulled the covers back to reveal your tear-stained face, and a wave of concern came over him.

Scaramouche was never particularly good at comforting others, or feelings in general. He was never shown gentleness and compassion in his 500 years of living, before he met you.

"Who did it?"

Scaramouche asked, immediately jumping to the conclusion that someone had caused you harm to hurt this badly.

"No one," you managed to whisper out. "It's really nothing. Don't waste your time on me."

He was slightly taken aback by your dismissive behavior, but decided to pry further. Scaramouche wouldn't know how to deal with himself if anything ever happened to you.

"Okay... well, you haven't been eating, and last time I checked, you aren't a puppet. You've been sleeping in until dinner time for the past few days. Out with it."

He sounded demanding, but soon mentally scolded himself for his tone with you when he saw the vulnerability in your expression.

"I just don't know what to do anymore... I feel so scared and exhausted all the time, I can hardly wake up in the mornings, and food doesn't bring me joy anymore. I can't even remember the last time I felt okay. I didn't want to bother you because I didn't think it was that bad, to be honest. I'm sorry for keeping it from you, Scaramouche. I swear it has nothing to do with you."

Your vision blurred as you spoke, and you could feel your throat closing up. You didn't know how much more you could handle of this constant misery.

Scaramouche stayed silent for a few moments, taking in everything you had told him. You had always seemed so bubbly and excited around him, and when he saw you completely falling apart in front of him for the first time, he felt confused.

"...How long has this been really going on?"

He inquired, and his eyes had a softer look in them.

"A few years, it comes and goes but it doesn't seem like it'll ever get better. I'm tired of suffering, Scaramouche. I want to enjoy life again and look forward to the future. Instead, I dread the next days to come."

You responded, avoiding eye contact and fidgeted with your hands. When Scaramouche took notice of this, he gently grabbed your hands and set them in his lap.

"I'll be blunt, I'm still figuring how these whole "emotions" work. But, I do see that you aren't yourself right now. Yes, you can be a little irritating at times, but I wouldn't be with you if I didn't... love you."

Scaramouche felt hesitant to say those last words, but at the same time it felt right. He then continues,

"It would be pointless to be in a relationship with someone if you weren't upfront with them, but I can see how you might have felt like a bother. I promise that you will never be a burden to me, and I hope you know that I would rather die than ever lay a finger on you, or hurt you any other way. You're one of the first few people to show me how to love and broke through my tough exterior. You never left me during my hard times, and I'm sure as hell not leaving you."

Scaramouche took a deep breath, and looked down at his lap to give your hands a slight squeeze.

"I will do everything in my power to help you feel better. I want to see to see you happy. I want to see that smile on your face again. But, you have to work with me, alright?"

He looks back up and lifts one of his hands to gently grab your chin to face him.

You reluctantly look into his eyes, and slowly nod.

"Okay, I'll try... Thank you."

You replied slowly, drained of any remaining energy you had left. Scaramouche leaned down to remove some of your hair out of the way, and placed a delicate kiss on your forehead. He came back up and caressed your cheek, and sighed softly.

"I'm not letting you suffer alone. Ever."

[dyemelikeasunset]

I can't sleep so I'm venting. for the most part i love my d&m readers, but oml sometimes i get qpoc blues so bad 😭😭

It's just liiiike. ppl either don't talk about Mor or completely misinterpret her personality. Like I can always tell if my readers are black or not because nonblack readers no NOT see Mor's significance, or just miss the mark when they talk about her, or they misread her personality. Like I don't understand what's so hard to understand about a cute and thoughtful artist??

AND LIKE LMAO Dom's sexuality gets brought up all the time but no one talks about Mor being a lesbian and how rare that is to find in media 😭 white lesbians are always talking about "we need more open lesbians in media!! ppl shouldn't be afraid to use the word lesbian!! blah blah" and i'm like "here you go!!" and no one claps at all lmao. Like I get it, i know why it happens, i understand racial microaggressions, i know how fandom spaces treat Black women, I UNDERSTAND BUT I CAN STILL BE UPSET. I have the right to be upset about it!!! 💀💀 And I know fem lesbians get ignored all the time, invalidated all the time, but it just sucks to see it happen to my character. I just feel like her being lesbian doesn't clock a lot of people, and I get asked to do more thirst trap art of Mor and I do want to but i'm also trying to be careful about like. Idk reducing a dark skinned fem lesbian to being validated only thru being sexy? LMAO.... Mor should be able to be attractive and lovable without tons and tons of thirst trap art (and it's not like I don't do it at all!! I'm not trying to be overprotective or deny her sexiness but I guess it's considered not enough?? give me a break)

And mannnn I was so mad actually that several comments voiced thoughts that essentially said Mor didn't "help" or "take care" of Dom enough, and that when Dom was finally opening up to her it was "Morgan finally doing something" LIKE HELLO??? HELLO??? It's DOM'S flaw that she can't open up? And Morgan does a lot??? I know immature ppl do not appreciate more soft and domestic/feminine forms of care bc they're used to taking their mothers for granted lmao but wooow I was taken aback. First of all, like, I try to show that Mor is the main cook, works just as much as Dom (let's go double income household), is always checking in on Dom's comfort as she navigates being queer, and is overall a very considerate girlfriend. AND SECOND OF ALL LMAO like even if she didn't do all that she doesn't need to have relationship currency to have a doting girlfriend, like the fucking trope of black women needing to suffer for love is so terrible I'VE HAD ENOUGH AND i"M NOT EVEN BLACK. Like there is NOTHING WRONG with their typical dynamic and I'm sick of people acting like there is. SOMEONE SAID DOM WAS LIKE A COMFORT PILLOW W NO AGENCY AND i"M LIKE WTFDYM???? She has TONS of agency and her sense of agency says she wants to LOVE AND DOTE ON HER PARTNER LIKE LMAO. WHAT?? Why is that hard to understand??? Is it because I made one (1) joke bout Mor being a pillow princess and the anti-princess squad are grinding their teeth in the bushes seething over it? Ppl are so twisted sometimes oh my goddddd. Like as an ace who was very confused navigating the lesbian dating scene as a teen and young adult I WISH i had met a pillow princess. Sometimes ppl don't realize that stone dynamics are very safe for aces!! Dom literally says she prefers it!! It's not Mor being selfish like lord please GOD ALLAH I'M TIRED I'M SO TIRED

and like on the topic of Domi overall she is more "popular" but sometimes I feel like people don't even really take the time to appreciate the significance about her either. She's not just a funny thirst trap 😭 and I feel like ppl dont acknowledge that she's asian half the time. I have so many white aces who only zone in on that aspect of her and it's like YEAH I GET IT, I'm ace and we don't have a lot of nuanced rep but she's also got more layers than that too. Tons of people related to her in the chapters where she talks about her childhood abuse yet very few people really, like, talked about the type of generational trauma that is very deeply embedded in her different cultures, no one saw that and oooof idk idk it felt inivisible. It's sometimes harder to talk about the racist microaggressions that Domi experiences thru my readers bc ppl will argue "well most webtoon leads are asian" but not many of them are asian in a way that like. talk about it. I'm born in the US so my experiences with being othered as an asian is just gonna be different and it's gonna affect my art and writing but it feels so unappreciated. I've had some queer asians relate to her but i can count them on my hand 💀 (I actually think it's two LMAO i"M SO SAD)

And going back to Dom and the comfort pillow w no agency comment lmao. This is another thing that rubs me the wrong way is once again, people are ignorant to the ways asians get pigeon-holed to media roles that have us being depicted as incapable. Maybe I want Dom to be more of a protector archetype bc I'm tired of meek Asian women in media? 🤔 Maybe I want Dom to be a prince-like character because asians get emasculated a lot?? 🤔🤔 Maybe I want Domi to maintain her prince persona instead of being "'physically' androgynous/masculine but really soft and girly on the inside uwuwu please treat me like a 'real' girl" because even in east asian media we won't allow women to exhibit strength and dependability??? 🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔 Like why is a tough girl empowering but once we have a gentle and doting personality in a romance it's considered cliche and the flaw of her partner for being "too weak." MAYBE THEIR PRINCE/PRINCESS DYNAMIC COMPLIMENT EACH OTHER??? HAVE YOU CONSIDERED? I WROTE THEM THAT WAY FOR A REASON??

Good lord this turned into an essay but I have so many things on my mind always

if you read this all. Thanks. I mainly needed to scream into a towel and put this down somewhere bc I complain about these issues to my discord and they understand/validate me all the time, but I wanna give them a break 😭 I also lowkey wanna document my various feelings as I work through Dom & Mor so I can remember and also grow from it

[shrek-ellie]

is there any way you can write a cute story about bella coming home and surprising reader because reader didn’t think bella was coming home for another month

Hii yes ofc:) thank you so much requesting this. Bella uses they/them pronouns now so I will be doing that and as of yn she uses she/her. I really hope you like this<3 im sorry if this was bad or too short im still a new writer and a not very good one.

Its been a lonely and boring few weeks without my partner Bella, long distant relationships are always a struggle for me. I need to be in their arms, I need their reassurance, their kisses, their warmth. 

I think they know that too, they could easily find someone else better than me even tho they say they could never.

“Well im gonna go to sleep now baby.” Bella giggles while saying “wait nooo im gonna miss you, I don’t want to wait any longer too see you” I pout, this isn’t fair. They’ve been so busy with their filming and I  could never be more proud I just wish they put a tiny more time for me as selfish as that sounds. Bella just giggles as they tell me they love me then continue to hang out, im so inlove with them its insane.

Ive been laying in bed for hours just checking the clock, Bella must already be asleep cuz they haven’t answered any of my texts. I’ve always had sleeping problems especially without Bella, we would usually take night walks or make food together too help me sleep, so I decided im gonna maybe making noodles would help me. i checked the clock on the stove and its already 2:30 am, I get everything I need out and sit on the counter waiting for the water to boil. While im in the middle of stirring I see headlights thru the window, God im about to get murdered aren’t I. I sit there in silence checking my phone to see if any friends texted me, no one did. 

I head the front door unlock and see Bella turn their head around the corner “OH MY GOD BELLA?” I screamed almost falling off the counter running to them. "surprise!" Bella said giggling and quickly dropped their bags and caught me in their arms. I quickly wrap my arms and their neck pecking them with kisses all over. “I missed you so so much baby” they say while giggling.” I thought I had to wait a whole month to see you I was gonna go like actually insane” I say tilting my head causing Bella to laugh and bite their tongue as I put everything that was on the stove in the fridge to eat tomorrow. “Well I just missed you too much, and plus we finished way earlier then expected so why not suprise my lover, cmon lets go to bed.” They grabbed my hand dragging me into the bedroom kissing me softly. I love them so much.

Im sorry I felt this this was really bad I hope you liked it:(<3

[qeenanthii]

To all the concert I've been to

SMTOWN CONCERT ‼️💚🆙

Konser musik yang pertama kali aku datangin ituu SMTown 🤏🏻. Tbh aku dateng ke konser SMTown karena at that moment I'm a big NCTzen 💚💚Even tho tujuan ku datang ke konser itu cuma buat liat NCT Dream perform. PULANG PULANG AKU MALAH JADI FANS SEMUA GRUP YANG TAMPIL DI KONSER ITUUU 🏃🏻‍♀️🏃🏻‍♀️ (especially aespa THEY'RE EXTRA PRETTY IRL)

here's a glimpse of SMTown concert thru my camera lens ‼️ 🙌🏻

Redvelvet cantik cantik seemuuuaAaa!! (Wendy ily 🤸🏻‍♂️🤸🏻‍♂️)

AESPAAA!! they're literally the most beautiful, and prettiest girliesss eveeer 😻😻

Setelah konsernya selesai ofc aku langsung pulanggg but aku sempet mampir beli bubur dulu AND IT WAS ACTUALLY GUUUOOOFFDD 🔥🔥 (yes, tukang buburnya jualan malam malam BENERAN MANUSIA KOKK).

After SMTown I didn't go to any concert for a couple months BUTTT I did watch Taylor Swift's Eras tour in the cinema with my beloved friend 💞💞. We had soo much fun because everyone danced along with Taylor singing on the hugee cinema screen (truly a moment to remember)

THIS WAS "Our song" One of the song in tay's debut album.

US WITH THE POSTERSSZZ 😜😜💞💞💞

about 3 or 4 weeks after watching Eras Tour on the cinema. Me and my concert partner (my lovely auntiee 😻🥰🫂) went to the Fred Ballet show! 🩰 it was one of a kind show

After I watched their ballet performance, I was soo caught up in the atmosphere there. Every move was truly mesmerizing 🩰✨

Then it was 2024 YOOO 🥳🥳🔥

the year started with me attending the Ed Sheeran Mathematics Tour in JiS (its a love-hate thingy with JIS atp)

I love my outfit here! *The top ate 🤚🏻

i went there with my auntie ofc and one of my aunt's friend WE HAD THE MOST FUN THERE 🤩🤩🤩. Ed's performance was wow just WOOW

After all that fun at Ed Sheeran's concert. A couple months later (welp a really really long time) IT'S FINALLY D-DAY OF BRUNO MARS'S CONCERRRRTTTT ‼️‼️🥳🥳🤚🏻🤚🏻

its rreally a childhood wish come true, fun fact aku udah dengerin lagu lagu Bruno dari umur 3 tahunn guuUuysS. "Marry you" 💍 was obvi an all time favo.

Heyyo mas Bruno 👋🏻👋🏻

And the most recent concert I went to was City Camp 🤠🤠.

GUYS KALIAN HARUS TAU KALO AKU NGELIAT BTOB IRL CAKEP BANGET YAAMPUN HELP HELP APALAGI ATEEZZZZZ 🤸🏻‍♂️🤸🏻‍♂️🤸🏻‍♂️🤸🏻‍♂️😭😭🔥🔥🏊🏻‍♀️🏊🏻‍♀️🏊🏻‍♀️🤏🏻🤏🏻

Here's a lil photo dumpp 👉🏻

Melody crew 🙌🏻🙌🏻 (fyi melody itu nama fandom BToB)

I had tons of fun (obviously) 🤩 it's truly an unforgettable experience and a really amazing way to live my teenage years ✨✨🤗.

[itsgivingautism]

01/18/24 — Zia rants about being autistic & physically disabled & chronically ill in a fucked ableist society & having to be dependent on their partner

Started to have meltdown over this & other stuff to my partner before he left for work…. I didn’t meant to have a morning meltdown. I found myself shutting down and feeling guilty before he left bc I can recognize it’s hard on him even when he doesn’t wanna show it. But needed a place to rant and ended up going off down below for a like an hour. I don’t want to open up but I made tumblr after not being on here since high school for an outlet for a lot of reasons, with support & encouragement from therapists to do so. But I also hate being perceived. I’m just so fucking annoying tho I somehow always bring attention to myself that I never want….. but I’m also learning to tell my story & share my experiences. As an autistic person late diagnosed who was severely abused throughout my entire childhood opening up, learning to unmask & not shutdown, understanding my own thoughts, feelings, & experiences is so fucking hard.

I am so grateful for my partner but god I wish I was independent. I wish I had the ability to take care of myself. I wish I wasn’t so fucking dependent on his love and support. I wish I wasn’t so needy, or clingy. I wish I wasn’t disabled physically and mentally. I wish I wasn’t so wounded & traumatized. I wish I wasn’t so chronically ill. I wish I wasn’t in autistic burnout, a state of prolonged cognitive decline that one average can last 2-10 years.

I wish I could get a job. Even working from home but my mind can’t even. I’m constantly age regressing and going across different timelines of my mind and getting trapped, constantly disconnecting from this current physical reality even when I seem like a part of it to others - but it’s just automatic masking as a trauma response. All a result of my CPTSD+autism+adhd

I haven’t been able to work a real job since 2020. I’ve been fighting to get the support & benefits I need but constantly being shit on. Having to go thru constant channels to prove how severe my issues are and then being told try this treatment first and when it doesn’t work its still somehow my fault. I’m sick of having to prove my disabilities & illnesses and then when I show how bad they are I’m being dramatic. But when I mask & show strength, I must be making it up. How could you be so strong about then? There’s no winning. Only losing. I don’t see a point in showing weakness or asking for help. But then refusing to and bottling it all up, that has lead me to deeply problematic bad spirals. I just want to be taken seriously by doctors & medical professionals. I hate this country.

I wish I was normal. I hate burdening my partner. Although I know he doesn’t want me to feel like one and he genuinely wants to help me, I also know I stress him out….

I am dependent on him financially while his job is fucking over their contracts, refusing to give him & his coworkers the raises they were supposed to get a year ago. Him and his coworkers have collectively trying to unionize for months (which is the only reason they actually didn’t get a pay cut which the company was tryna do even tho they were supposed to give raises last year) and ofc my partner has been the one leading the unionizing. (We joke about my radicalism really rubbing off on him)

I’m constantly trying to find ways to make money, which end up doing more damage to my body. He hate what it does to me. He wishes he could do more while stuck in his work contract. it’s a lot on him. And I feel like his life would be so much less stressful without me tho….. or at least if I could just be normal & healthy….

Even my friends point out that unless I’m talking about my emotions & trauma I don’t make any sense talking…. like burnout really shows…. It’s embarrassing constantly. I sound like a so clearly disabled most of the time. I used to exceptionally smart & articulate before this burnout. Ik they mean it accepting my but it’s hard when 90% of what I say comes out wrong. It’s hard when I’m trying to be supportive and it sounds like asshole shit bc my issues with speech & cognition. I want to be a lovely validating friend. Not the one they have to dissect my word vomit to find the love & support in foolish clumsily words. I’m technically hyperlexic so I can keep creating words but my other learning disabilities downgrade the quality & meaning of those words.

But I also only make sense when talking about my looping emotions & trauma is bc I only share what I can (the deeper stuff is vaulted by selective mutism & shutdowns). This is the shit going thru my brain, talking to myself about and looping constantly. Ofc it’s the only thing I can talk about. But even most the time I’m still not making sense entirely. But it’s all I can think about, talk to myself about, and it’s all the my brain is giving me permission to share about myself.

[strawbrygashez]

🛏 for any of the postal dudes?

(i am ashamed for asking this lmao)

Whaaaat why are u ashamed :,0?! I love getting asks about the pdudes! :D I’ll answer this for the 4 main pdudes even!

Sleeping headcanons

P1- He’s usually a very light sleeper & has a terrible sleep schedule. It takes him forever to go to bed because he hates feeling like he’s not on guard. Sadly I think like.. he could be super close to falling asleep but one little noise would have him quickly getting out of bed and staying up for hours in the living room just incase the sound he heard was someone coming for him.

I think he goes out like a light when one of the other pdudes or someone he really trusts comes over though because he feels safer with someone he loves close by.

Like I always picture one of the dudes coming to see him and it’s like

“Hey p1! How’ve u been :)”

“Hi. Okay.. you?”

“Been better. anyways can I hang out here for a b-”

*p1 is suddenly curled up on the couch fast asleep*

P2- has a bad sleeping schedule too but it’s not because he’s scared or anything. It’s just he runs around all day doing chores for mostly his wife so when he gets home it’s already getting dark out, but I think he’d still want his own ‘me time’ where he can relax which ends up being him staying up for hours into the night.

Also it’s takes him a while to even get comfortable enough to go to sleep because he has to sleep on the couch each night since his wife takes up the bed. He tosses and turns thru out the night.

The first time he’s probably had felt well rested in a while was probably during that time he was asleep in the hospital after shooting himself.

P3- he sleeps really well! The others probably hate him for it. He sticks to a good daily routine and has no problem falling asleep anywhere though he does just mostly sleep in his bed like a ‘normal person’ would lol.

I think the only other thing to note besides him having a good sleeping schedule is he’s gets cuddly & also accidentally kicks whoever’s in the bed with him sometimes. That and if he went to bed before his partner, when they come to join him, he’s like… laid out across the bed to where he’s taking up all the room. He’s almost laying out like a starfish lol

He might also accidentally roll ontop of whoever joins him but laughs it off when they wake him up bc of it :)

P4- I really wish I could say he gets amazing sleep but he doesn’t :( yes he can sleep anywhere (he’s slept in trash and on sidewalks) but that’s only because he’s used to sleeping in odd spaces. It doesn’t mean he likes it. Also I feel like he has so much joint & back pain from all the wild shit he’s done in his life it takes him forever to get comfortable. Some meds help but sometimes he misplaces them or just didn’t bring it with him if he ends up having to spend the night somewhere not in his trailer.

He wants his sleep real bad bc he’s old & tired but life still hasn’t gave him much of a break yet :/ but he’s way past used to that by now.

[hjemne]

I've been... Absolutely normal? After this breakup with the person that I really genuinely wanted to spend my life with.

It happened Friday night, I cried most of the night and a little on Saturday but then something just shifted and I've been like 99% fine and normally and happy since then? The only time the sadness has really hit me since has been thinking about how upset my (dying) grandma will be that she won't be able to know my partner. But otherwise? I got horrendously drunk on Saturday night, had tons of fun and was fine with a guy low-key flirting with me. Since I got thru the handover and sleepiness on Sunday I've been utterly normal, getting on with work, reading romance and enjoying it rather than being sad or jealous etc. The main stressor has been the number of deadlines I've had this week and trying to manage my parents' reaction and reassure them I'm fine.

It's not that I'm complaining I've not been truly and utterly crushed by the heartbreak, but I'm just weirded out by this reaction. I'm worried I'm bottling it all up and it'll explode later or that this is me sliding back into depression, but I'm still enjoying things and it doesn't feel like depression? Like have I actually reached that level of emotional maturity that I've dealt with everything (or most things) already?

He decided about a week ago that he didn't want to go through his early twenties having to factor someone else into his life plans. I understand it, I respect his decision, acknowledge that there's no use in trying to talk him out of it, appreciate the fact he told me as soon as he could in person so we ended the relationship still loving each other rather than growing apart and resentment building. I really can't stress how I've never loved or been loved by anyone like with him before and that he has been the most important person in my life for four years. Accepting that the life we were planning together has gone has seemed to happen so easily and it feels like something must therefore be wrong. It's helped that we haven't seen each other in person and haven't currently got plans to I guess because I think it's going to really hit when I can't be physically affectionate like before. But even with the distance I still just can't understand why I'm feeling so nothing about this. He brought up that he might want to break up in March and I cried far more than this. Have I been emotionally checked out of the relationship since then without realising? Am I just bottling stuff up without realising? I just wish I knew

[chl3borzoi]

SOOOOO i blocked my sister

Youre entitled to not like family after theyve done shit things.

Yes, my sister was a great resource when i was i my preteens letting me live with her during the summer, and for getting on my brothers for their behavior when i was in my early early teens but by that point it was kinda far too late

The thing that did it was on Thanksgiving last year she came with a woman weve never met before thats shes only known for 4 months saying theyre getting married in 2 weeks and moving to texas immediately after.

Our brother and his partner brought them out to lunch and tried to say hey we think youre going kinda fast you should take more time to get to know each other etc. They flat out told him theyre not invited to the wedding. Then when she gets home after that, she comes downstairs to find me and tells me theyre getting married, and she leans in and whispers "you're inviiiiteeeed~"

Shes in her early 30's

The thing is our MOM couldnt even attend because it was such short notice. And the marriage place couldnt get the shitty zoom stream to work. Our mom had to watch a recording of the service.

I looked out the deck window and saw her lying on her back on the porch watching the video and I knew her heart was broken.

Like. Christ im gonna put it all out there

I could tell stories of how my sister used to make me cry as a child, too. And where our parents failed to parent and the eldest should have taken the place of responsibility and etc she didnt give a fuck and YES a child should never have to act a parent role thats shitty but she was 15+ yrs old she shoulda fucking known better. (I have literally my entire family to blame for almost all of my issues, But still. During my crucial years i really do feel she did not care, and it didn't help that between me and her we have 3 THREE brothers who (one of which legitimately hated me ) too)) I DIGRESS

She let our childhood home turn into a jungle because she was too busy sitting in sweatpants smoking pot and drinking starbucks and begging our mom for more money to be put on her account,

(its all torn down, now too.)

We havent spoken very much,

Mostly just snapchats here and there

And a few days ago she sent me a chat on here saying shes revamping her account and wants to be active on here, so i blocked her.

Not only because i want tumblr to be an escape from personal real life shit but because i don't really wanna communicate or be reminded of her selfish dumb behavior.

Shes extremely hard to communicate with in person, too. Literally! I feel like im crazy trying to explain it. Shes so slow... it feels like trying to have a convo with her sometimes it feels like shes unintentionally gaslighting you. I know that sounds dumb but im fuckin serious.

She was so helpless when we helped her move, too. Pacing back and forth and fretting over all her shit (we're a packrat family yeah but holy fuck shes gonna end up being a fuckin hoarder) and me and our mom were just lifting stuff and carrying it out like :/

Sheesh

I don't hate her or wish her or her wife any ill will, its just. Fuck man. Walk in, break our moms heart (as if it isnt already broken after all the shit weve been thru as a family...) and act like everythings fine and perfect.

Also I literally witnessed my sister do/say this to her wife

"Hey, -blank-, come fight this pokemon go tournament for me."

Like

?!?!?!??!?

She was like "okay :D" but still thats so fucking bizarre

[xtrablak674]

[Originally posted on Live Journal on Wednesday, May 17th 2000 at 12:43am, edited for clarity]

When you first walk into my apartment it smells tart. I know exactly what it is, but it still feels foreign. Its the chemical reaction that this neutralizer had to the paint peeler I am using, I have burned some incense to rectify the problem. It's 12:13am and I have just returned back from the movie, and other then the entire cast of The Best Man being in it, I enjoyed it.

Now I am chilling eating a butterscotch krimpet kake by TastyKake, my fingers still a little sticky with pineapple juice from the fruit I stopped and picked up after the movie. On my list of to-do's this evening other then doing this journal entry, which I really hope is going to help me find my writing voice again. I have to finish my application to the White Institute, I think I have completed it. I am happy with it as I can get with it and pleased this time I actually completed it. YEAH!

Anastasia is waiting patiently at my left, looking for an opportunity to jump on my lap. Since I am going to be on the computer for a bit I am opening tabs for my online friends, including johncamlive, christiangrantham.com, keithcam, and Pecsjockcam to whom even though I think he hates my guts I still watch religiously. I am an obsessive voyeur, but I guess its more interesting living other peoples lives then your own. (mental note: go back and make the links live of those site you mentioned)

Anyway, I am stuffing myself of this kake you would think I have never seen food before, and its not like my waistline need it. UGH! I have to send Jeff an email about the gym and his being my personal trainer. I really need to do some exercise other then pointing and clicking the mouse and tickling the keyboard. Too bad you can't get exercise thru you fingers cause if you did I would be such good shape :)

I have so much going on I don't know what to write about and what not to, I guess I should just continue stream of conscious until I am pooped and will do something else. I wish I could say I was horny, but I am not, I have really had NO sex drive lately, I don't know what that is all about, maybe its a good thing. There is one guy I have sex drive for and thats Tony the guy I am dating. He seems to be the only one who can get me horny or get me thinking about sex. Which is upsetting to me cause then it feels like I am committing more to him and I don't sort of want to. (mental note, put picture of Tony in journal)(mental note: begin researching new web host)

But anyway, I guess part of it is I spend so much time alone, which in away I enjoy since I don't like too much drama, but in other ways it gets a little tired, and I sometimes need outside stimulation other then the controlled environment of my DSL-jacked in all-the-time internet connection.

I am chilly let me put on a jacket, hold on...

Anyway....

So much is goin on with leaving kbp [kirshenbaum bond & partners] and all... its a little anti-climatic cause I won't let anyone do any big "to do" about me leaving, I am not trying to go out like that, I just want to be out, you know what I am saying I have been at the agency like goin on 4 years and its just time to get out in creation.

Its not goin to be easy and I know that the same kind of dysfunction that I got away with at kbp I am not going to be able to get away with at SFI, and I know it, and they are paying me nice cheddar so I can't be acting up... Well I can act up a little bit...

I have to speak briefly on my protégé Rob McFarland who I am leaving to the sharks, its so funny how your life can have so many mirrors about it. Rob is like a mirror to Choan my younger brother, who I am now not speaking to after his threatening me and disrespecting me over the phone, a kind of behavior I will not tolerate.

Anyway, Mr. McFarland (thats how I always refer to him) was telling me today he was so upset with me for leaving that he could punch me, which I just find so amusing. Rob like Choan is younger then me, Rob by 4 years at least compared to the two of Chaon, same general complexion as Choan paper-bag tan brown, and hot tempered. I do hope Rob will work on his temper and his anger, he has so much in him to give. I am hardly one to talk, I am quite overdue for some therapy myself, but I just hope he will be able to work well with the next people he has too. It was a blessing to both of us to work together, his being straight and my being the queerest thing since polyester. It made for a good challenge.

I actually had doubts about whether I could work with him or not, cause he was so straight and obviously homophobic (just like Choan) But his work was very tight, which allowed me to accept his learning curve... :) I am very happy to have hired him and to allow him the voice to get a better initial offer then what I offered, the boy has got skills he just needs to focus and he will do just fine.

I hope they will challenge him more then they did me. But time will tell. I think I should wrap up cause this is a long as entry and my fingers are getting tired and I do want to wrap up a few things, like checking the IMDB for the cast list of Love and Basketball and compare it to the one for The Best Man both of which Spike Lee was the producer for...anyway till next time. Peace&Blessings

[Wow, this is twenty four years ago! #NoWords The thing that was most surprising in revisiting this entry is the fact that I deliberately hired a homophobic assistant. It speaks to how clearly I prioritized my obligations to my race over those of my sexual identity. If I recall, I think I had a huge part in the final decision of who would be working under me, and I knew that it would be someone Black. I think I also wanted to pay forward the opportunity I was given having this corporate America job, which can be a very hard space for folks of color to thrive in.

I am blown away that Mr. McFarland thought it was remotely appropriate to threaten violence towards me in the work place, but as I recount at the time I was conflating my professional relationship with the personal relationship of my younger sibling. This is probably why I gave him a huge berth to basically be rude and inappropriate.

The other thing I actually like in this post is the nuance and detail. I am talking about the smells in the room, the taste of the food also the asides about other tasks I need to do. I was hoping to find my voice and I think my voice is very evident in the way that I recorded my feelings that evening. It feels like a time machine trip to that moment in my past where my life was in turmoil as I was leaving the security of one position and taking a risk on the dot-com era career jumping.

My gamble would ultimately not pay off, me being let go with basically the entire staff of the New York office. But this would lead me to my next journey which was me running my own branded website and identity materials firm.

A couple of explanatory commas, The William Alanson White Institute was an institution for training psychoanalysts and psychotherapists which also offers general psychotherapy and psychoanalysis. It is located in New York City, United States, on the Upper West Side, in the Clara Thompson building. It was founded as a protest against the mainstream of American psychoanalytic thought, which was thought to be sterile, dogmatic, and constrictive by the psychoanalysts who founded the institute. - via Wikipedia

I would soon thereafter start therapy with Dr. Anita close by in Park Slope. The therapy ultimately ended because in the corporate world I had such antagonistic relationships with whyte women, that I didn't really think I could find healing with a person who idealized for all intensive purposes my mortal enemy.

During Internet 1.0 webcam sites were very very popular along with reality TV shows like Big Brother, watching other people lives twenty-four hours a day every day was just huge. I was caught up in this trend preferring to watch other queer people, sometimes having multiple window open at a time. I have so many screen-grabs from this period, where it wasn't streaming video but more a refreshing picture every few seconds.

Twenty four years ago I had no idea what would become of this journal I was keeping. I don't even think I could visualize my future-self well enough to know if I would appreciate these missives or not. But I do, continually I am always proud of my past-self and the very good decisions I have made, I am not always saying the results were ideal, but the essence of the intention always shines through.

Photo by Brown Estate]

[messybouquetoflilies]

i wish i didnt have repeated experiences with partners of my friends getting jealous of my friendship with them and seeing me as a threat. it makes it so hard to be friends with ppl in a relationship when i feel like ive been untrusted, having to walk on eggshells and be hyper aware of irrational boundaries they wont tell me about over n over n over again. i literally just want my friends to be happy, and ill do whatever the fuck i can to make that happen. if they want something, im gonna be supportive. if they love someone, im gonna be supportive. if they're going thru shit, im gonna be supportive. im always available to my friends. i check in on my friends. im sry i also have dead fucking friends and dont want any more. i really care about the wellbeing of the people i keep in my life and i choose them very carefully. and the thing is!!! i usually can be really good friends with friend's partners!!! bc i pick cool people who pick cool people!!!! i literally have 0 malicious intent, i have no idea why ppl have had to project their insecurities onto me!!!! i literally try to keep my friends in their relationships, and always try to help them solve problems they're having, bc i just want them to be in love and happy. but this shit has happened over and over and over again and i GENUINELY do not understand why. okay anyways... having a lot of intrusive thoughts tn that are prob completely irrational. i rly hope its not happening again. rly rly rly hope. i dont wanna have to distance myself from a friend for the sake of their relationship. which i will always do, bc once again, i will always always prioritize the happiness of the people i keep in my life over my own

[pheemuru]

I want to get a little personal for a sec

Below the cut I'm going to talk about my struggle with art, energy, time management, and trying to be an artist in the current social media climate while having a full time job in an unrelated field

In august 2023, i moved out of my parents home for the first time--I moved out of state and got a full time job. this is a good thing and a super positive life event for me! I'm now living with my partner of nearly 7 years and my best friend of 5.

However my relationship with art since before I even moved out... has been really rocky. My job now occupies my time for 6 hours a day 5 days a week. I work from 6:45 am - 10 am (im including travel time here because its still my time thats occupied by work...) and then I have a break until 2 pm. Then I work 2 - 6 pm, and depending on where I'm working at, I get home anywhere from 6-7 pm. I go to bed at 11 pm (This is a very big struggle mentally for me since my jobs schedule is very much opposite of how my body functions. I'm a night owl and not at all an early bird.) This is my monday thru friday.

By the time the weekend comes, I have other household chores to keep up with before I feel like I'm "allowed" to waste my time basically. I also use my time just... recovering for the next week. Every night I get home from work I take a couple edibles to wind down and relax, which is possibly the best part of my day when I finally get to turn my brain off from having to mask and wrangle 30 something kids throughout the day. (daycare aide moment)

How this relates to my art is that I really have zero drive to do any kind of art. I have no ideas. I see stuff online and think "wow I want to do that, I wish I thought of it". Creativity doesn't come naturally to me if it isn't the result of a college assignment or a commission. I struggle a LOT with concepting and sketching. I genuinely don't know how to doodle anymore either

In 2024 I want to focus a lot more on what's going to make me feel satisfied in a career, and so far the only option I have for that is making art my full time gig. However, anyone that is trying that or has tried that knows how difficult that is and how unrealistic it is to just be able to do that with no build up.

Here's where my struggle comes in; I have no fucking energy for anything anymore. I got diagnosed with adhd and autism last year, or just about last year. My job is insanely socially heavy (I'm around 30+ kids and have to manage them) so by the time that I get home, I just want to get stoned and watch movies. I don't want to create. I don't want to do anything. not even shit i like to do.

drawing has become so fucking hard for me. it takes me so goddamn long to finish a piece, I get overwhelmed by current trends, and it doesnt help that the fact of the matter is, social media has moved onto video formats. This means I will have to keep up with video trends to get any kind of eyes on my work. But how do you keep up with video trends when you don't even have any art to show to begin with, nonetheless ones that fit with the theme of the trends going around?

So now I need to make supplementary/filler recordings to fill out content if I want to be serious about my social media presence. On top of the fact I actually have to create art. On top of the fact that there's dishes in my sink every day and laundry that has to be done every week and groceries that have to be shopped for and a job that has to be attended to five days a week. I know 30 hours a week truly is not as much as others work to be full time but my god is it exhausting? All this shit on top of itself makes me feel like I regret moving out a little bit. Overall I don't, because I don't have to live with my parents and I can relax around my partner, but like. oh my god?

literally how does anyone live like this and not want to kill themselves. I had to get a zoloft script because i kept having mental breakdowns every sunday because I have to go back to fucking work and I never feel like I have enough time to do anything meaningful. by the time my brain is like, "ready" to work, its 9 pm and i have to get ready for bed in 2 hours.

I've contemplated getting my masters in teaching to be an art teacher, but I really wouldn't.. want to do that for the rest of my life? you don't really get days off if you need it, youre obligated to work outside of work hours just to get anything done, parents right now kind of suck, school admins also suck, curriculums are cutting art programs, and kids are also becoming so much more disengaged with art at younger ages.

with the state of everything I find it really hard not to just spiral into a depressive episode. I don't know what my future holds. Sure, I have my parents as a safety net now, but theyre approaching their 70s and arent going to be around for the majority of the rest of my life. what happens then? what happens when theyre gone and i have literally no other support beyond the little life i made for myself right now? i already feel like im not allowed to prioritize myself at the moment given my position in the household (full time consistent job that pays somewhat decent ((Decent being $16.75/hour lol)) for the area im in, im the one that can drive, im the one with the largest paycheck and most consistent hours). I can't really get days off at work if I wake up having a panic attack or even physical sickness. I'm supposed to just deal with it and clock in because we dont have enough people to cover last minute like that. And I'm someone with (honestly) debilitating stomach issues. I had to have an upper endoscopy and tests done which only yield so much if you don't follow up with an allergist, which I still have yet to do...

Currently I'm supposed to set up appointments for my dentist, an allergist, a cardiologist, and I need to contact my psych because my pharmacy told me my zoloft cant be refilled (second month on it btw lol).

so like. when the fuck am i supposed to have any kind of every to dedicate to a second part time job, my own fucking art business? the thing i want to be the most passionate about, i have no energy left for. I feel so wildly unsatisfied in my life right now because of this. I'm struggling. I'm struggling a lot and I wish i didn't have to work at all. I wish I could just have my art be my full time thing, but I dont have the audience nor the social media prowess to make that happen so quickly.

I'm tired. I'm fucking tired. everyone keeps saying "take care of yourself" or "self care" but jesus christ how am i supposed to when i cant even just work 4 days a week consistently because for whatever reason I'm the only person at my job that can do what i do? how am i supposed to practice self care when that self care would mean i quit my fucking job lol. i'm at such a loss and i feel like im just letting the time pass by like grains of sand in an hourglass. being torn between wanting to die and wanting to push through is a fucking insane feeling. all we do in life is struggle until we die and I'm finding it harder and harder to get over that kind of mental hurdle. every time i drive i have to fight the genuine intrusive thoughts of yanking the steering wheel to put myself in a ditch with my car just to give myself a couple weeks of a break.

I'm tired. And there's nothing i can do about it. how long can one weather a storm before getting lost at sea

[mrsbsmooth]

Scripts - S7 - Episode 27 (Part 1 of 2)

Chats with LI (cuts off halfway thru bonnie)

NARRATOR: The final recoupling is almost here!

NARRATOR: It’s make-your-mind-up time for the Islanders.

NARRATOR: And it seems like {0} is on everyone’s mind.

NARRATOR: But has she already made her mind up?

NARRATOR: Or will some final grafting change her mind?

NARRATOR: Let’s find out!

As you finish up your chat with {0}, Travis and Evan wait, not so patiently, to whisk you away.

EVAN_FLIRTY: Come on, {0}! We haven’t got all day.

TRAVIS_FLIRTY: Yeah! It’s about time the lovely lady had the company of a true gent.

{0}_HAPPY: Oh really? And where is he then?

TRAVIS_SURPRISED: Cheeky!

PLAYER_HAPPY: Ok, boys, cool your grafting boots!

PLAYER_HAPPY: There’s plenty of {0} to go around.

EVAN_HAPPY: I certainly hope so.

TRAVIS_FLIRTY: There’s plenty I have to say.

EVAN_FLIRTY: Well, personally I want to hear what {0} has to say.

TRAVIS_SURPRISED: I meant that too!

{0}_HAPPY: Well aren’t you two smooth as butter.

{0}_FLIRTY: Flirting with the boys now are we, {1}?

{0} appears behind you.

{0}_IDLE: Seems everyone is getting your attention but me.

{0}_EMBARRASSED: Oh, hey, {1}.

PLAYER_EMBARRASSED: Can we help you?

{0}_HAPPY: Just came to see where my partner is. He is still <i>my</i> partner after all.

{0}_HAPPY: Me and {1} have just been having a little chat.

{0}_IDLE: Isn’t it about time we have a little chat?

{0} looks to you with a pained expression.

{0}_IDLE: Sure thing, {1}.

{0}_HAPPY: I’ll see you later, {1}. Think about what we talked about, yeah?

Kiss {0}’s cheek

PLAYER_FLIRTY: See you later, {0}.

You lean over to him and gently kiss his cheek.

You make sure to linger a little while, you feel his cheek crease with a beaming smile.

His eyes light up with glee.

PLAYER_FLIRTY: Something to remember me by.

{0}_FLIRTY: I won’t be forgetting that in a hurry.

Evan and Travis look down, hiding their jealousy.

{0}_SERIOUS: I am literally right here.

{0} snaps out of his daze.

{0}_HAPPY: Sorry, I completely forgot where I was there for a moment.

PLAYER_FLIRTY: I tend to have that effect on people.

{0}_SERIOUS: Come on, {1}. Let’s get out of here.

Get sassy with {0}

PLAYER_SERIOUS: He’s all yours, {0}.

PLAYER_SERIOUS: Not that you’d know what to do with him.

{0}_SERIOUS: Oh? I know plenty, thanks.

PLAYER_HAPPY: Sure you do.

{0}_SERIOUS: We always have well flirty chats, don’t we {1}?

{0}_EMBARRASSED: Do we?

PLAYER_HAPPY: You sure sound enthusiastic.

{0}_SERIOUS: You’re just cramping our style! Come on, {1}.

Wish them well

PLAYER_IDLE: Have fun you two!

{0}_FLIRTY: Oh we will!

{0}_HAPPY: Come on, {1}.

{0} joins {1} as they head off toward the villa.

TRAVIS_FLIRTY: So, {0}.

TRAVIS_EMBARRASSED: I realise you and {0} are looking pretty close with that kiss but…

TRAVIS_FLIRTY: How about a quick chat?

EVAN_SURPRISED: Hey!

TRAVIS_FLIRTY: Snooze you lose, Evan!

PLAYER_HAPPY: Sure thing, Travis. I’ll see you later, Evan?

EVAN_FLIRTY: I’ll be waiting! Save some chat for me.

You and Travis head over to the daybeds for some privacy.

As you finish up your chat with {0}, Vicky and Bonnie wait not so patiently to whisk you away.

VICKY_FLIRTY: Come on, {0}! We haven’t got all day.

BONNIE_FLIRTY: Yeah! It’s about time the girls got a chance!

PLAYER_HAPPY: Ok, girls, cool your grafting boots!

PLAYER_HAPPY: There’s plenty of {0} to go around.

BONNIE_HAPPY: I certainly hope so.

VICKY_HAPPY: There’s plenty I have to say.

BONNIE_FLIRTY: Well, personally I want to hear what {0} has to say.

VICKY_HAPPY: I meant that too!

{0}_HAPPY: Well, aren’t you two smooth as butter.

{0}_FLIRTY: Flirting with all the girls now are we, {1}?

{0} appears from nowhere from behind you.

{0}_IDLE: Seems everyone is getting your attention but me.

{0}_EMBARRASSED: Oh, hey {1}.

PLAYER_EMBARRASSED: Can we help you?

{0}_HAPPY: Just came to see where my partner is. He is still <i>my</i> partner after all.

{0}_HAPPY: Me and {1} have just been having a little chat.

{0}_IDLE: Isn’t it about time we have a little chat?

{0} looks to you with a pained expression.

{0}_HAPPY: Sure thing, {1}.

{0}_HAPPY: I’ll see you later, {1}. Think about what we talked about, yeah?

Kiss {0}’s cheek

PLAYER_FLIRTY: See you later, {0}.

You lean over to him and gently kiss his cheek.

You make sure to linger a little while, you feel his cheek crease with a beaming smile.

His eyes light up with glee.

PLAYER_FLIRTY: Something to remember me by.

{0}_FLIRTY: I won’t be forgetting that in a hurry.

Vicky and Bonnie look down, hiding their jealousy.

{0}_SERIOUS: I am literally right here.

{0} snaps out of his daze.

{0}_HAPPY: Sorry, I completely forgot where I was there for a moment.

PLAYER_FLIRTY: I tend to have that effect on people.

{0}_SERIOUS: Come on, {1}. Let’s get out of here.

Get sassy with {0}

PLAYER_SERIOUS: He’s all yours, {0}.

PLAYER_SERIOUS: Not that you’d know what to do with him.

{0}_SERIOUS: Oh? I know plenty, thanks.

PLAYER_HAPPY: Sure you do.

{0}_SERIOUS: We always have well flirty chats, don’t we {1}?

{0}_EMBARRASSED: Sure…

PLAYER_HAPPY: You sure sound enthusiastic.

{0}_SERIOUS: You’re just cramping our style! Come on, {1}.

Wish them well

PLAYER_IDLE: Have fun you two!

{0}_FLIRTY: Oh we will!

{0}_HAPPY: Come on, {1}.

{0} joins {1} as they head off toward the villa.

VICKY_FLIRTY: So, {0}.

VICKY_EMBARRASSED: I realise you and {0} are looking pretty close with that kiss, but…

VICKY_FLIRTY: How about a quick chat?

BONNIE_SURPRISED: Hey!

VICKY_FLIRTY: Snooze you loose, Bonnie!

PLAYER_HAPPY: Sure thing, Vicky. I’ll see you later, Bonnie?

BONNIE_FLIRTY: I’ll be waiting! Save some chat for me.

You and Vicky head over to the daybeds for some privacy.

Travis hops onto the daybeds and pats the cushions beside him to make a comfy spot for you.

TRAVIS_FLIRTY: Well here we are again, a beauty and a beast.

PLAYER_FLIRTY: Who's who?

TRAVIS_FLIRTY: I think we all know the answer to that question.

TRAVIS_FLIRTY: Especially when you are treating us all with that outfit!

TRAVIS_FLIRTY: You’re a sight for the sorest eyes, {0}.

PLAYER_FLIRTY: Glad you like it.

TRAVIS_FLIRTY: I love it.

TRAVIS_IDLE: Thanks for coming to chat with me.

TRAVIS_HAPPY: I’ll try not to chew your ear off too much.

TRAVIS_FLIRTY: Unless you want me to of course.

PLAYER_FLIRTY: Naughty!

TRAVIS_FLIRTY: Sorry, can’t help myself.

TRAVIS_HAPPY: The thing is I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you since our big triple date.

TRAVIS_FLIRTY: And how we won it!

PLAYER_HAPPY: Yeah we did!

TRAVIS_HAPPY: Not that the competition really mattered to me.

TRAVIS_HAPPY: Just getting that extra time together meant the world.

TRAVIS_HAPPY: And then that whole mess at the kissing challenge.

TRAVIS_EMBARRASSED: I felt bad for tricking you like that…

TRAVIS_FLIRTY: But that kiss really was out of this world.

TRAVIS_HAPPY: Thought it would be good to see where your head is at.

TRAVIS_IDLE: With the final recoupling coming up and everything.

TRAVIS_HAPPY: Want to make sure you’re ok.

TRAVIS_HAPPY: For better or worse and all that!

TRAVIS_HAPPY: How are you feeling about your choice so far?

I’m pretty confident

PLAYER_HAPPY: Don’t you worry about me.

PLAYER_HAPPY: I know what I’m doing.

TRAVIS_HAPPY: Expected nothing less. You always seem so sure of yourself.

TRAVIS_FLIRTY: I’m feeling pretty confident too as it happens.

PLAYER_FLIRTY: Oh really? Why’s that?

TRAVIS_FLIRTY: Call it a hunch.

TRAVIS_EMBARRASSED: Wish I could say the same.

PLAYER_IDLE: Is your head spinning?

TRAVIS_SURPRISED: No! Not at all.

TRAVIS_FLIRTY: I know which basket my eggs are in.

TRAVIS_EMBARRASSED: Just not sure if the person I like feels the same.

My head is spinning

PLAYER_EMBARRASSED: To be honest my head is spinning a bit.

PLAYER_IDLE: Not sure what I’m going to do.

TRAVIS_EMBARRASSED: Oh, that’s a shame.

TRAVIS_EMBARRASSED: Maybe I shouldn’t be feeling too confident then.

PLAYER_IDLE: Is your head spinning too?

TRAVIS_IDLE: Not really.

TRAVIS_HAPPY: I know which basket my eggs are in.

TRAVIS_EMBARRASSED: Just not sure the person I like feels the same now.

That’s top secret

PLAYER_IDLE: That would be telling wouldn’t it.

PLAYER_IDLE: Can’t be giving the game away.

PLAYER_HAPPY: Still people to chat with before the final decision.

TRAVIS_HAPPY: I guess you’re right.

TRAVIS_HAPPY: I wish I could be as mysterious…

TRAVIS_IDLE: But I suppose my head hasn’t really turned since I arrived here.

PLAYER_HAPPY: Is that so?

TRAVIS_HAPPY: In many ways this experience has always been pretty easy.

TRAVIS_HAPPY: Helps walking in knowing exactly who you want to be with.

PLAYER_IDLE: And who is that?

TRAVIS_HAPPY: It was only ever going to be you, {0}.

TRAVIS_HAPPY: But I guess you already know that. That’s why I had to steal you.

TRAVIS_IDLE: My point is that where some people have strayed, I’ve always known what I want.

PLAYER_HAPPY: And what is that?

TRAVIS_HAPPY: A girl with a stellar vintage make-up collection, of course.

PLAYER_HAPPY: Well remembered!

TRAVIS_HAPPY: But it’s not just that.

PLAYER_HAPPY: What is it?

TRAVIS_HAPPY: A girl who could teach me a thing or two in a roller derby of course.

PLAYER_HAPPY: You’ve got that much right.

TRAVIS_HAPPY: Wouldn’t be hard to be fair, don’t think I could stand up in skates.

TRAVIS_HAPPY: But it’s not just that.

PLAYER_HAPPY: What is it?

TRAVIS_HAPPY: A girl who will invite me to her video game parties!

PLAYER_HAPPY: Still don’t think you understand what a gaming party is.

TRAVIS_EMBARRASSED: You would be right. But it still stands!

TRAVIS_HAPPY: But it’s not just that.

PLAYER_HAPPY: What is it?

TRAVIS_FLIRTY: A girl that never lets me know her next move!

TRAVIS_HAPPY: I love the mystery of it all. You always keep me on my toes.

TRAVIS_HAPPY: But I will tell you what isn’t a mystery.

PLAYER_IDLE: What’s that?

TRAVIS_HAPPY: It’s the way I find myself smiling uncontrollably when you walk in a room.

TRAVIS_HAPPY: The way making you laugh feels like winning a medal.

TRAVIS_IDLE: And the way just a day without having you around feels like a year at sea.

TRAVIS_IDLE: Has anyone ever made you feel that way?

You do

PLAYER_FLIRTY: You make me feel that way, Travis.

Travis’ face lights up with a beaming grin.

PLAYER_HAPPY: There's that smile.

TRAVIS_HAPPY: I told you, I just can’t help it.

Someone has made me feel that way

PLAYER_IDLE: Yeah, someone has made me feel that way.

TRAVIS_HAPPY: I’m glad. It’s a feeling like no other.

TRAVIS_HAPPY: Only hope that maybe I can be that for you someday.

I’ve never felt that way

PLAYER_IDLE: To be honest I’ve never had that feeling.

TRAVIS_SAD: I’m sorry, {0}.

TRAVIS_SAD: I can only hope that maybe I can be that for you someday.

TRAVIS_HAPPY: Just thought it was best to be open and tell you how I truly feel.

TRAVIS_HAPPY: As melty as that all sounds. I’m proud to be melty for you.

TRAVIS_HAPPY: These last couple of days in particular have been really important to me.

PLAYER_HAPPY: Why’s that?

TRAVIS_HAPPY: Getting to spend more time with you, getting to really know you.

TRAVIS_HAPPY: I just wish we had come into the villa together from the start.

TRAVIS_HAPPY: Then we would have had even more time for dancing and laughing and goofing around.

TRAVIS_FLIRTY: I hope tonight’s not the end of all that. I want to take you home!

PLAYER_HAPPY: Oh really? To Kettering?

TRAVIS_HAPPY: Yeah! My family would fall in love with you, I just know it.

PLAYER_HAPPY: They would?

TRAVIS_HAPPY: Yeah I know you and my sister would get on like peas in a pod.

TRAVIS_HAPPY: She is always up for a laugh. But she’s also tough as nails.

TRAVIS_IDLE: She can be a bit picky with who she likes.

TRAVIS_HAPPY: She’s a very good judge of character.

TRAVIS_HAPPY: My whole family are, but I know you’d fit right in.

TRAVIS_HAPPY: Which is honestly the highest compliment I can give.

TRAVIS_HAPPY: If we end up together after today, I’d love for you to come and meet them.

TRAVIS_IDLE: How would you feel about that?

I’d love to!

PLAYER_HAPPY: I’d love to meet your family!

PLAYER_HAPPY: Just hope I can pass their high standards.

TRAVIS_FLIRTY: Don’t worry, you’d exceed them.

TRAVIS_FLIRTY: I’ve told you, {0}. There’s no one like you.

I don’t think that’s a good idea

PLAYER_EMBARRASSED: I’m not sure that’s a good idea.

PLAYER_IDLE: Particularly if they are as picky as you say.

TRAVIS_HAPPY: I’m certain they would be in awe of you.

TRAVIS_IDLE: But I understand if you don’t want to just yet.

Let’s see how tonight goes

PLAYER_IDLE: Let’s just see how tonight goes, yeah?

PLAYER_IDLE: Don’t want to get ahead of ourselves now do we.

TRAVIS_FLIRTY: You’re right. I’ll take it easy.

TRAVIS_EMBARRASSED: I guess we’ll just have to wait and see what happens.

TRAVIS_HAPPY: Can’t help but think about all the fun we could have back home though.

TRAVIS_FLIRTY: Just hope we’re heading back there together.

TRAVIS_IDLE: I’ll be honest, {0}.

TRAVIS_IDLE: I feel like I’m probably not your top choice for tonight.

TRAVIS_IDLE: I know you didn’t choose to partner with me.

TRAVIS_HAPPY: Even if you did choose to marry me.

TRAVIS_SAD: But it seems like you and {0} are really close now.

TRAVIS_HAPPY: And I’m glad you’re exploring all of your connections.

TRAVIS_IDLE: But I guess I have to ask…

TRAVIS_IDLE: Do I have a horse in this race? Or should I not get my hopes up?

You’ve definitely still got a chance

PLAYER_HAPPY: You definitely still have a chance, Travis.

PLAYER_FLIRTY: Don’t give up just yet. This is the final graft after all.

TRAVIS_FLIRTY: To be honest I don’t think I could give up.

TRAVIS_FLIRTY: There is something magnetic about you.

TRAVIS_IDLE: And I want you to know that if you choose to stay coupled with me.

TRAVIS_HAPPY: I will remind you of how special you are every single day.

Don’t get your hopes up

PLAYER_EMBARRASSED: I really wouldn’t get your hopes up, Travis.

PLAYER_EMBARRASSED: Wouldn’t want to lead you on.

TRAVIS_SAD: That’s ok, I understand.

TRAVIS_IDLE: Thanks for being honest with me. Needed to hear it.

TRAVIS_HAPPY: I hope we can still be good friends.

TRAVIS_HAPPY: Would love to still hang out even if it isn’t romantically.

PLAYER_HAPPY: For sure.

TRAVIS_FLIRTY: We’ve still got a little while before the recoupling.

TRAVIS_FLIRTY: I know Evan is keen to chat with you…

TRAVIS_FLIRTY: But how about we make him wait a little longer?

TRAVIS_HAPPY: Might be the last chance to get <i>close</i> for a little while?

PLAYER_FLIRTY: Close?

TRAVIS_FLIRTY: I think you know what I mean.

TRAVIS_FLIRTY: I want to make the most of this calm before the storm with you.

TRAVIS_HAPPY: What do you say? Wanna stay with me for longer?

*I’d love to get closer to you

PLAYER_FLIRTY: I’m not going anywhere…

TRAVIS_FLIRTY: Then neither am I.

Travis stares into your eyes with a devilish charm.

I’m not interested

PLAYER_IDLE: I don’t think so.

PLAYER_IDLE: I’ve got other people to talk to.

TRAVIS_FLIRTY: But are they as dashingly handsome as me?

TRAVIS_HAPPY: I’m kidding. But I would love to show you what you mean to me.

TRAVIS_HAPPY: You sure I can’t steal you away for a little longer?

TRAVIS_IDLE: I would hate for something important to go unsaid between us.

TRAVIS_IDLE: Or to miss our last chance to get closer.

TRAVIS_FLIRTY: One last chance?

*Ok, I’ll stay

PLAYER_FLIRTY: Ok you’ve convinced me. I’m not going anywhere…

TRAVIS_FLIRTY: And neither am I.

Travis stares into your eyes with a devilish charm.

I’ve got to go

PLAYER_IDLE: I really should go, Travis.

TRAVIS_SAD: Sure thing, {0}.

TRAVIS_IDLE: Good luck with the decision later.

TRAVIS_FLIRTY: I’ll be there, crossing my fingers…

EVAN_HAPPY: Hey, guys, hope I’m not interrupting.

PLAYER_HAPPY: Me and Travis were just finishing up actually.

EVAN_HAPPY: Oh perfect, mind if I pull you for a quick chat?

You and Evan start to head off towards the loungers.

TRAVIS_HAPPY: Have fun you two, but not too much fun!

Vicky hops onto the daybeds and pats the cushions beside her to make a comfy spot for you.

VICKY_FLIRTY: Well here we are again, the beauty and well.. Another beauty. Who are we kidding?

PLAYER_FLIRTY: You think we’re beauties?

VICKY_FLIRTY: Yeah! Especially when you are treating us all with that outfit!

VICKY_FLIRTY: You’re a sight for the sorest eyes, {0}.

PLAYER_FLIRTY: Glad you like it.

VICKY_FLIRTY: I love it.

VICKY_IDLE: Thanks for coming to chat with me.

VICKY_HAPPY: I’ll try not to chew your ear too much.

VICKY_FLIRTY: Unless you want me to of course.

PLAYER_FLIRTY: Naughty!

VICKY_FLIRTY: Sorry, I can’t help myself.

VICKY_HAPPY: The thing is, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you since our big triple date.

VICKY_FLIRTY: And the fact that we won it!

PLAYER_HAPPY: Yeah we did!

VICKY_HAPPY: Not that the competition really mattered to me.

VICKY_HAPPY: Just getting that extra time together meant the world.

VICKY_HAPPY: And then that whole mess at the kissing challenge.

VICKY_EMBARRASSED: I felt really bad for tricking you like that.

VICKY_FLIRTY: But that kiss really was out of this world.

PLAYER_FLIRTY: Glad you liked it.

VICKY_HAPPY: Anyway, I thought it would be good to see where your head is at.

VICKY_IDLE: With the final recoupling coming up and everything.

VICKY_HAPPY: For better or worse and all that!

VICKY_HAPPY: How are you feeling about your choice so far?

I’m pretty confident

PLAYER_HAPPY: Don’t you worry about me.

PLAYER_HAPPY: I know what I’m doing.

VICKY_HAPPY: Expected nothing less. You always seem so sure of yourself.

VICKY_FLIRTY: I’m feeling pretty confident too as it happens.

PLAYER_FLIRTY: Oh really? Why’s that?

VICKY_FLIRTY: Call it a hunch.

VICKY_EMBARRASSED: Wish I could say the same.

PLAYER_IDLE: Is your head spinning?

VICKY_SURPRISED: No! Not at all.

VICKY_FLIRTY: I know which basket my eggs are in.

VICKY_EMBARRASSED: Just not sure if the person I like feels the same.

My head is spinning

PLAYER_EMBARRASSED: To be honest my head is spinning a bit.

PLAYER_IDLE: Not sure what I’m going to do.

VICKY_EMBARRASSED: Oh, that’s a shame.

VICKY_EMBARRASSED: Maybe I shouldn’t be feeling too confident then.

PLAYER_IDLE: Is your head spinning too?

VICKY_IDLE: Not really.

VICKY_HAPPY: I know which basket my eggs are in.

VICKY_EMBARRASSED: Just not sure the person I like feels the same now.

That’s top secret

PLAYER_IDLE: That would be telling wouldn’t it.

PLAYER_IDLE: Can’t be giving the game away.

PLAYER_HAPPY: Still people to chat with before the final decision.

VICKY_HAPPY: I guess you’re right.

VICKY_IDLE: I don’t see my head turning anywhere at this point though.

VICKY_IDLE: But I suppose my head hasn’t really turned since I arrived here.

PLAYER_HAPPY: Is that so?

VICKY_HAPPY: In many ways this experience has always been pretty easy.

VICKY_HAPPY: Always helps when you know exactly who you want to be with when you walk through the door.

PLAYER_HAPPY: And who it that?

VICKY_HAPPY: It was only ever going to be you, {0}.

VICKY_HAPPY: But I guess you already know that. That’s why I had to steal you.

VICKY_IDLE: My point is that where some people have strayed, I’ve always known what I want.

PLAYER_HAPPY: And what is that?

VICKY_HAPPY: A girl I can take for romantic sunset picnics…

VICKY_HAPPY: You said that was your favourite kind of date…

VICKY_FLIRTY: A picnic that leads into a night under the starlit skies.

PLAYER_HAPPY: Sleeping under the stars?

VICKY_FLIRTY: I’m not sure we would do much sleeping…

VICKY_HAPPY: But it’s not just that.

PLAYER_HAPPY: What is it?

VICKY_HAPPY: A thrill seeking girl who’s as at home in a theme park as she is in my arms.

VICKY_FLIRTY: You said that’d be your ideal date. That’s what I want!

VICKY_FLIRTY: Someone to take on all of my adventures. From Hastings to Bognor Regis!

PLAYER_IDLE: Sounds like a pretty short adventure.

VICKY_FLIRTY: Then Bognor Regis to Paris?

PLAYER_HAPPY: That’s more like it.

VICKY_IDLE: But that’s not the only reason my head hasn’t turned.

PLAYER_HAPPY: What is it?

VICKY_HAPPY: A girl I can take to see my favourite movies.

VICKY_FLIRTY: And we’ll make out with you in the seats at the back.

VICKY_FLIRTY: You did say that would be your ideal date too…

VICKY_FLIRTY: And we could talk about the film in the car all the way home.

VICKY_FLIRTY: And then make out some more!

PLAYER_HAPPY: Lots of making out?

VICKY_EMBARRASSED: Exactly! But it’s so much more than that.

PLAYER_HAPPY: What is it?

VICKY_FLIRTY: A classy girl that I can take for afternoon tea!

VICKY_FLIRTY: You said that would be your dream date too.

VICKY_HAPPY: We can eat jam and cream on scones.

VICKY_FLIRTY: And then later we can eat jam and cream from other places…

PLAYER_HAPPY: Sounds very naughty, maybe not the jam though…

VICKY_HAPPY: Ok not the jam. But it’s also so much more than all of that.

PLAYER_IDLE: What is it?

VICKY_FLIRTY: A girl that I can take out dancing into the early hours.

VICKY_HAPPY: I may have two left feet but you can make up for that with two right feet!

PLAYER_FLIRTY: The perfect team.

VICKY_HAPPY: Exactly!

VICKY_HAPPY: But it’s also so much more than that.

PLAYER_IDLE: What is it?

VICKY_HAPPY: It’s the way I find myself smiling uncontrollably when you walk in a room.

VICKY_HAPPY: The way making you laugh feels like winning a medal.

VICKY_IDLE: And the way just a day without having you around feels like a year at sea.

VICKY_FLIRTY: I’ve felt a lot of sparks as an electrician.

VICKY_FLIRTY: But the ones I feel from seeing you could illuminate the Eiffel Tower.

VICKY_IDLE: Has anyone ever made you feel that way?

You do

PLAYER_FLIRTY: You make me feel that way, Vicky.

Vicky’s face lights up with a beaming grin.

PLAYER_HAPPY: There's that smile.

VICKY_HAPPY: I told you, I just can’t help it.

Someone has made me feel that way

PLAYER_IDLE: Yeah, someone has made me feel that way.

VICKY_HAPPY: I’m glad. It’s a feeling like no other.

VICKY_HAPPY: Only hope that maybe I can be that for you someday.

I’ve never felt that way

PLAYER_IDLE: To be honest I’ve never had that feeling.

VICKY_SAD: I’m sorry, {0}.

VICKY_SAD: I can only hope that maybe I can be that for you someday.

VICKY_HAPPY: Just thought it was best to be open and tell you how I truly feel.

VICKY_HAPPY: As melty as that all sounds. I’m proud to be melty for you.

VICKY_HAPPY: These last couple of days in particular have been really important to me.

PLAYER_HAPPY: Why’s that?

VICKY_HAPPY: Getting to spend more time with you, getting to really know you.

VICKY_HAPPY: I just wish we had come into the villa together from the start.

VICKY_HAPPY: Then we would have had even more time for dancing and laughing and goofing around.

VICKY_FLIRTY: I hope tonight’s not the end of all that. I want to take you home…

PLAYER_HAPPY: Oh really? To Hastings?

VICKY_HAPPY: Yeah! My family would fall in love with you, I just know it.

PLAYER_HAPPY: They would?

VICKY_HAPPY: Yeah I know you and my sister would get on like peas in a pod.

VICKY_HAPPY: She is always up for a laugh. But she’s also tough as nails.

VICKY_IDLE: She can be a bit picky with who she likes.

VICKY_HAPPY: She’s a very good judge of character.

VICKY_HAPPY: My whole family are, but I know you’d fit right in.

VICKY_HAPPY: Which is honestly the highest compliment I can give.

VICKY_HAPPY: If we end up together after today, I’d love for you to come and meet them.

VICKY_IDLE: How would you feel about that?

I’d love to!

PLAYER_HAPPY: I’d love to meet your family!

PLAYER_HAPPY: Just hope I can pass their high standards.

VICKY_FLIRTY: Don’t worry, you’d exceed them.

VICKY_FLIRTY: I’ve told you, {0}. There’s no one like you.

I don’t think that’s a good idea

PLAYER_EMBARRASSED: I’m not sure that’s a good idea.

PLAYER_IDLE: Particularly if they are as picky as you say.

VICKY_HAPPY: I’m certain they would be in awe of you.

VICKY_IDLE: But I understand if you don’t want to just yet.

Let’s see how tonight goes

PLAYER_IDLE: Let’s just see how tonight goes, yeah?

PLAYER_IDLE: Don’t want to get ahead of ourselves now do we.

VICKY_FLIRTY: You’re right. I’ll take it easy.

VICKY_EMBARRASSED: I guess we’ll just have to wait and see what happens.

VICKY_HAPPY: Can’t help but think about all the fun we could have back home though.

VICKY_FLIRTY: Just hope we’re heading back there together.

VICKY_IDLE: I’ll be honest, {0}.

VICKY_IDLE: I feel like I’m probably not your top choice for tonight.

VICKY_IDLE: I know you didn’t choose to partner with me.

VICKY_HAPPY: Even if you did choose to marry me.

VICKY_SAD: But it seems like you and {0} are really close now.

VICKY_HAPPY: And I’m glad you’re exploring all of your connections.

VICKY_IDLE: But I guess I have to ask…

VICKY_IDLE: Do I have a horse in this race? Or should I not get my hopes up?

You’ve definitely still got a chance

PLAYER_HAPPY: You definitely still have a chance, Vicky.

PLAYER_FLIRTY: Don’t be giving up just yet. This is the final graft after all.

VICKY_FLIRTY: To be honest I don’t think I could give up.

VICKY_FLIRTY: There is something magnetic about you.

VICKY_IDLE: And I want you to know that if you choose to stay coupled with me.

VICKY_HAPPY: I will remind you of how special you are every single day.

Don’t get your hopes up

PLAYER_EMBARRASSED: I really wouldn’t get your hopes up, Vicky.

PLAYER_EMBARRASSED: Wouldn’t want to lead you on.

VICKY_SAD: That’s ok, I understand.

VICKY_SAD: Thanks for being honest with me. Needed to hear it.

VICKY_HAPPY: I hope we can still be good friends.

VICKY_HAPPY: Would love to still hang out even if it isn’t romantically.

PLAYER_HAPPY: For sure.

VICKY_FLIRTY: We’ve still got a little while before the recoupling.

VICKY_FLIRTY: I know Bonnie is keen to chat with you…

VICKY_FLIRTY: But how about we make her wait a little longer?

VICKY_HAPPY: Might be the last chance to get <i>close</i> for a little while?

PLAYER_FLIRTY: Close?

VICKY_FLIRTY: I think you know what I mean…

VICKY_FLIRTY: I want to make the most of this calm before the storm with you.

VICKY_HAPPY: What do you say? Wanna stay with me?

*I’d love to get closer to you

PLAYER_FLIRTY: I’m not going anywhere…

VICKY_FLIRTY: Then neither am I.

Vicky stares into your eyes with a mischievous glee.

I’m not interested

PLAYER_IDLE: I don’t think so.

PLAYER_IDLE: I’ve got other people to talk to.

VICKY_FLIRTY: But are they as unbelievably gorgeous as me?

PLAYER_HAPPY: Ah well…

VICKY_HAPPY: I’m kidding. But I would love to show you what you mean to me.

VICKY_FLIRTY: This could really be the last chance depending on what happens tonight…

VICKY_FLIRTY: It would be a shame if something important went unsaid.

VICKY_HAPPY: You sure I can’t steal you away for a little longer?

VICKY_FLIRTY: One last chance?

*Ok, I’ll stay

PLAYER_FLIRTY: Ok you’ve convinced me. I’m not going anywhere…

VICKY_FLIRTY: And neither am I.

Vicky stares into your eyes with mischievous glee.

I’ve got to go

PLAYER_IDLE: I really should go, Vicky.

VICKY_SAD: Sure thing, {0}.

VICKY_IDLE: Good luck with the decision later.

VICKY_FLIRTY: I’ll be there, crossing my fingers.

BONNIE_HAPPY: Hey girls, hope I’m not interrupting.

PLAYER_HAPPY: Me and Vicky were just finishing up actually.

BONNIE_HAPPY: Oh perfect, mind if I pull you for a quick chat?

You and Bonnie start to head off towards the loungers.

VICKY_HAPPY: Have fun you two, but not too much fun!

You and {0} scooch further down on the daybeds and get a little closer.

{0}_FLIRTY: That’s better.

{0}_FLIRTY: Felt a little too far away.

PLAYER_FLIRTY: So, you’ve got my full attention, better use it wisely.

{0}_HAPPY: That sounds like a challenge!

{0}_HAPPY: I guess the reason I wanted you to stay is that I didn’t want any secrets between us.

{0}_FLIRTY: If we want to have a chance of being a proper final couple and making it to the end…

{0}_HAPPY: And beyond to back home.

{0}_FLIRTY: Then it seems like we should be totally open books with each other.

PLAYER_IDLE: Ok…

{0}_HAPPY: So it’s only fair that I let you ask me anything you want.

What are you most proud of?

PLAYER_IDLE: What is something you are the most proud of?

{0}_HAPPY: That’s a tough one.

{0}_IDLE: I can rip an apple in half with just my hands?

PLAYER_SURPRISED: Really?

{0}_HAPPY: Yeah! But I’m kidding, that’s not the thing I’m most proud of.

{0}_HAPPY: A couple of years ago I did the three peaks challenge.

PLAYER_HAPPY: What’s that?

{0}_HAPPY: Climbing Snowdon, Scafell Pike and Ben Nevis…

{0}_HAPPY: The three highest peaks in the U.K. All in twenty-four hours.

PLAYER_HAPPY: Wow, that’s impressive!

{0}_HAPPY: Yeah, well it’s not actually me I’m proud of.

{0}_HAPPY: I did it with my mates from school.

{0}_SAD: My mate Dan had been really poorly for a while.

{0}_HAPPY: So we were raising money for his charity.

{0}_HAPPY: And then by surprise Dan joined us and did the whole thing.

{0}_IDLE: We had to help him some of the way but he smashed it.

{0}_IDLE: He’s such an amazing bloke, I’m just proud I could do it with him.

{0}_HAPPY: He’s made a full recovery since then too!

PLAYER_HAPPY: That’s sweet!

{0}_HAPPY: I’d say the thing I’m most proud of is my sister.

{0}_HAPPY: And the business we have built together.

{0}_HAPPY: There was a point in my teens…

{0}_HAPPY: Where I didn’t think I would do anything special with my life.

{0}_IDLE: But she inspired me to put my head down at school and graft.

{0}_HAPPY: And now we have something great and it’s all ours.

{0}_HAPPY: When we are together it kind of feels like we could take on the world.

{0}_HAPPY: So I’m very proud to call her my sister and my business partner.

PLAYER_HAPPY: That’s sweet.

What is your greatest fear?

PLAYER_IDLE: What is your biggest fear?

{0}_EMBARRASSED: My biggest fear? That’s a tough one.

{0}_IDLE: Hmm, I suppose there is a bit of fear that comes with rock climbing.

{0}_HAPPY: But that’s also the thrill of it!

{0}_EMBARRASSED: I’ll tell you what really scares me though.

PLAYER_HAPPY: What?

{0}_EMBARRASSED: Moths.

PLAYER_SURPRISED: Moths?

{0}_IDLE: Not a fan.

PLAYER_HAPPY: Why?

{0}_SERIOUS: Flapping about, getting in your face and they eat your clothes!

{0}_SERIOUS: Plus they’re obsessed with lamps, that’s not normal behaviour!

{0}_HAPPY: They’re up to no good if you ask me.

PLAYER_HAPPY: Noted!

{0}_SERIOUS: Moustaches.

PLAYER_HAPPY: Moustaches? That was fast.

{0}_SERIOUS: Didn’t have to think twice about it. I think they look creepy!

PLAYER_HAPPY: Why?

{0}_SERIOUS: Can you imagine all the food that gets stuck in them? Gross!

{0}_IDLE: No thanks, not for me.

{0}_HAPPY: Other than that I’m not afraid of much!

Do you like pineapple on pizza?

PLAYER_SERIOUS: Ok, I have a question. But it’s pretty heavy.

{0}_IDLE: That’s alright. I can handle it, you can ask me anything.

PLAYER_IDLE: Do you like pineapple on pizza?

{0}_HAPPY: {1}! You worried me, I thought it was gonna be super serious!

PLAYER_HAPPY: It is super serious! Answer the question.

{0}_IDLE: Alright, the answer is…

{0}_IDLE: No…

PLAYER_SURPRISED: No?!

{0}_IDLE: I just don’t think fruit belongs on a pizza, it’s as simple as that.

PLAYER_IDLE: You know tomato is a fruit, right?

{0}_HAPPY: It’s not the same!

{0}_HAPPY: Yes. I love it.

PLAYER_SURPRISED: You do?!

{0}_HAPPY: Yeah! It’s the perfect combo!

{0}_HAPPY: How’s that for an answer?

You passed the test

PLAYER_IDLE: Hmm, ok you pass the test.

{0}_HAPPY: Phew! You had me nervous for a second.

You failed the test

PLAYER_IDLE: Nah, you’re wrong.

{0}_HAPPY: It’s just pizza!

PLAYER_HAPPY: Yep, better luck next time.

{0}_IDLE: But how about you?

{0}_IDLE: I feel like there is still so much left to learn about you.

PLAYER_HAPPY: Well, go ahead. Ask away.

{0}_IDLE: Hmm, ok.

{0}_HAPPY: What’s your biggest guilty pleasure?

I put mayonnaise on everything

PLAYER_EMBARRASSED: Ok, I confess!

PLAYER_EMBARRASSED: I love mayo, I put it on pretty much everything.

PLAYER_HAPPY: It just makes everything better. Don’t judge me!

{0}_SERIOUS: {1}.

{0}_HAPPY: I’m right there with you, I love mayo.

PLAYER_HAPPY: You do?!

{0}_HAPPY: Can’t get enough of it!

{0}_HAPPY: I haven’t found something it doesn’t go with.

{0}_HAPPY: Except for dessert.

I sing show tunes in the shower

PLAYER_HAPPY: Ok, I’ll admit it!

PLAYER_EMBARRASSED: I sing show tunes in the shower.

PLAYER_HAPPY: And I go all out.

PLAYER_HAPPY: If there was an audience it would be standing ovations every time.

{0}_EMBARRASSED: Oh {1}...

{0}_HAPPY: I’m so with you!

{0}_HAPPY: I bring the house down every time I’m in the shower.

{0}_HAPPY: Don’t think the neighbours appreciate it though…

I love watching funny videos

PLAYER_HAPPY: Ok, I confess!

PLAYER_HAPPY: I love watching funny videos online.

PLAYER_HAPPY: You know, people falling over, kids getting paint everywhere.

PLAYER_HAPPY: Cats tearing down Christmas trees.

PLAYER_IDLE: I can’t get enough of them.

{0}_SERIOUS: Oh {1}...

{0}_HAPPY: I’m so with you, I love that stuff!

{0}_HAPPY: I know I shouldn’t laugh at some of them but I just can’t help it.

Nothing, no regrets!

PLAYER_HAPPY: I don’t believe in guilty pleasures.

PLAYER_HAPPY: You should never feel guilty about something you enjoy!

PLAYER_HAPPY: Life’s too short for that.

{0}_HAPPY: You’re so right!

{0}_HAPPY: I couldn’t agree more.

That’s a secret

PLAYER_HAPPY: That’s top secret!

PLAYER_HAPPY: We have to maintain some mystery.

{0}_SURPRISED: That’s no fun!

{0}_HAPPY: I’ll get some answers out of you someday.

{0}_HAPPY: But I do like that you keep me on my toes.

{0}_FLIRTY: You never cease to amaze, that’s for sure.

PLAYER_IDLE: I have another question for you.

{0}_HAPPY: Intriguing, what is it?

PLAYER_HAPPY: If we are coupled up tonight, and we end up going home together.

PLAYER_HAPPY: What would that look like?

{0}_HAPPY: It’s funny you should ask, because I have been thinking about that a lot.

TRAVIS_HAPPY: I see us going on adventures together.

TRAVIS_HAPPY: I might be from Kettering, but I’ve never just had one place I’ve called home.

TRAVIS_HAPPY: There are still so many places I want to see.

TRAVIS_HAPPY: Challenges I want to overcome.

TRAVIS_HAPPY: Like climbing Machu Picchu or the Annapurna range.

TRAVIS_HAPPY: But I don’t want to do it by myself.

TRAVIS_HAPPY: And now I feel like I have found the perfect partner.

PLAYER_HAPPY: Sounds fun.

TRAVIS_HAPPY: Well if you pick me I can promise you that much.

TRAVIS_IDLE: Because I’d love to go to every corner of the planet with you…

TRAVIS_HAPPY: For you!

TRAVIS_HAPPY: Everyday would be an adventure.

PLAYER_HAPPY: Very interesting, good to know!

VICKY_HAPPY: Well I love my adventures.

VICKY_HAPPY: I want to go travelling and explore the world.

VICKY_HAPPY: But I don’t want to do just that.

PLAYER_IDLE: What do you want to do?

VICKY_HAPPY: I want to build a home and a life too.

VICKY_HAPPY: I love it by the sea, it’s where I grew up.

VICKY_HAPPY: I can see us in a little house by the sea.

VICKY_HAPPY: Where we can hear the crashing of the waves at night.

VICKY_HAPPY: Slathering our dinner in mayo in front of the telly.

PLAYER_HAPPY: Yes!

VICKY_FLIRTY: Waking up in the mornings and duetting in the shower.

PLAYER_HAPPY: Yes!

VICKY_HAPPY: Snuggled on the sofa watching our favourite funny videos.

PLAYER_HAPPY: Yes!

VICKY_IDLE: I want to start a family and have someone by my side to enjoy the little things.

VICKY_HAPPY: Not just the big things.

VICKY_HAPPY: And I can see myself sharing all of that with you.

PLAYER_HAPPY: Hmm, good to know.

{0}_IDLE: Like I said, I’m an open book.

{0}_HAPPY: Thanks for staying with me a little while longer.

{0}_HAPPY: Feels like every second really counts now.

{0}_HAPPY: I want to make the most of every moment with you.

{0} gazes down at your lips with wanting eyes.

Kiss {0}

PLAYER_FLIRTY: Well, we better make the most of this moment then.

You take Travis’ face in your hands and pull him close.

Closing your eyes you feel your lips lock with his. He returns the kiss, tender and firm.

He wraps his muscular arms around you, holding you tight to his body.

Your breathing falls into sync as you hold each other for a moment.

Your lips part and your eyes open as a smile curls across Travis’ lips.

You take Vicky’s face in your hands and pull her close.

Closing your eyes you feel your lips lock with hers. She returns the kiss, tender and firm.

She wraps her arms around you, bringing you closer to her and holding you tight.

Your breathing falls into sync as you hold each other for a moment.

Your lips part and your eyes open as a smile curls across Vicky’s lips.

{0}_FLIRTY: I didn’t want that to end.

{0}_IDLE: Hopefully it’s not our last.

Give them a hug

PLAYER_HAPPY: Come here.

You wrap your arms around {0}.

The two of you fall back into the pillows in a comforting embrace.

Enveloped by each other’s arms you feel safe, warm and loved.

Your breathing falls into sync as you lie there for a while as one.

As everything else slips away. {0} looks into your eyes.

{0}_HAPPY: I could lie here forever.

Pinch their cheek

You reach over and pinch {0}’s cheek softly.

They smile playfully.

{0}_HAPPY: I’m not a baby, {1}.

PLAYER_HAPPY: You’re as cute as one though.

EVAN_EMBARRASSED: Hope I’m not interrupting anything…

PLAYER_HAPPY: Oh, hey, Evan!

{0}_HAPPY: We were just finishing up actually.

EVAN_HAPPY: Great, I was just hoping to pull {0} for a quick chat?

PLAYER_HAPPY: I’m all yours.

You stand and begin to walk away from {0}.

{0}_FLIRTY: See you at the recoupling, {1}.

{0}_HAPPY: Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.

BONNIE_EMBARRASSED: Hope I’m not interrupting anything…

PLAYER_HAPPY: Oh, hey, Bonnie!

{0}_HAPPY: We were just finishing up actually.

BONNIE_HAPPY: Great, I was just hoping to pull {0} for a quick chat?

PLAYER_HAPPY: I’m all yours.

You stand and begin to walk away from {0}.

{0}_FLIRTY: See you at the recoupling, {1}.

{0}_HAPPY: Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.

You and Evan make your way over to the loungers. He pulls them closer together as you lie down in the sun side by side.

EVAN_HAPPY: I will never get over the afternoon sun here.

EVAN_HAPPY: Not too hot, not too cold.

EVAN_HAPPY: The breeze blowing in, the cicadas coming out, the birdsong drifting away.

EVAN_HAPPY: Just hope it won’t be over too soon.

PLAYER_IDLE: I know what you mean.

EVAN_HAPPY: And it’s only better when you’re here beside me.

EVAN_HAPPY: I’ll cut to the chase, {0}.

EVAN_HAPPY: I’ve got a lot to say to you and not a lot of time to say it.

EVAN_HAPPY: I don’t like to mince my words, and I believe you deserve the whole picture.

EVAN_IDLE: Otherwise how can you be sure to make the right decision?

EVAN_HAPPY: I’ve always found honesty is the best policy, don’t you agree?

I’m always truthful

PLAYER_HAPPY: I’ve never told a fib in my life.

PLAYER_HAPPY: Honesty is always the way.

EVAN_HAPPY: Exactly.

I tell the odd white lie

PLAYER_IDLE: I mean maybe the odd white lie.

PLAYER_IDLE: Don’t want to hurt people's feelings.

EVAN_HAPPY: Ok sure, you got me there.

EVAN_HAPPY: But I believe when it comes to feelings, we have to be honest with ourselves.

Don’t believe a word I say

PLAYER_IDLE: I’ll be honest, Evan. I wouldn’t believe a word that I say.

PLAYER_IDLE: It’s all lies, I barely ever tell the truth.

EVAN_EMBARRASSED: Oh right…

EVAN_IDLE: I hope that’s not totally true!

PLAYER_HAPPY: I guess you’ll never know.

EVAN_HAPPY: But I want to be honest with you nonetheless.

EVAN_HAPPY: For all I know I haven’t got a hope with you.

EVAN_FLIRTY: But it feels to me like we’ve been getting really close lately.

EVAN_FLIRTY: From our date and the dancing and everything.

EVAN_FLIRTY: Feels like we’ve had some real quality time together lately.

EVAN_FLIRTY: I just feel really close to you. Like I can share anything.

EVAN_IDLE: It has felt like there has been some distance lately.

EVAN_IDLE: I know you’ve been getting closer with {0}.

PLAYER_IDLE: Yeah, I guess we have.

EVAN_HAPPY: But we’ve also shared a lot over our journey here.

EVAN_HAPPY: And I like to think I can tell you anything.

EVAN_FLIRTY: You did choose to marry me afterall.

EVAN_FLIRTY: I’ve got to look out for you.

EVAN_FLIRTY: And tell you how I truly feel.

EVAN_FLIRTY: I guess what I’m trying to say is that you’ve always been there for me.

EVAN_HAPPY: With everything that happened between me and {0}.

EVAN_IDLE: You had my back.

EVAN_HAPPY: And I want you to know that no matter what happens I will always have your back.

PLAYER_HAPPY: Thanks, Evan.

EVAN_FLIRTY: My head twisted to you as soon as you walked back in from Casa Amor.

EVAN_FLIRTY: I remember seeing you at Stick or Twist…

EVAN_FLIRTY: And thinking you were the most gorgeous woman I’d ever seen.

EVAN_FLIRTY: Then getting to know you I realised you were also the smartest and funniest.

EVAN_HAPPY: The time we have shared since then.

EVAN_HAPPY: When I was stressing in the bedroom before Excess Baggage and you helped calm me down.

EVAN_FLIRTY: You massaged all the stress away.

EVAN_FLIRTY: And we shared that special moment…

EVAN_FLIRTY: I’ll never forget that.

EVAN_HAPPY: And getting the chance to go on a date with you the other day!

EVAN_FLIRTY: Not to mention sneaking off to the living room afterwards…

EVAN_FLIRTY: That was amazing.

EVAN_HAPPY: Every moment we have shared here has been amazing.

EVAN_IDLE: In fact the only thing I regret is that we both came in during Casa Amor.

EVAN_FLIRTY: If we were in the same villa from the start…

EVAN_FLIRTY: I know exactly who I would have coupled with.

EVAN_HAPPY: I just wish we had even more time together.

EVAN_HAPPY: If we could go back and enter the villa together would you?

In a heartbeat

PLAYER_FLIRTY: Are you kidding? And have a chance of officially coupling?

PLAYER_HAPPY: I would do it in a heartbeat!

EVAN_FLIRTY: I’m so glad you feel the same way!

I’m happy with how things are

PLAYER_EMBARRASSED: I’m pretty happy with how things have turned out.

PLAYER_IDLE: I don’t think I would want to change anything.

EVAN_IDLE: No, you’re right. We are here together now and that’s what counts.

No point looking back

PLAYER_IDLE: There’s no point looking back.

PLAYER_HAPPY: May as well focus on the present and the future!

EVAN_HAPPY: You know what you’re so right.

EVAN_HAPPY: Our time here is too short for regrets!

EVAN_HAPPY: We should be looking towards what’s next.

EVAN_FLIRTY: Which I’ve also been thinking a lot about.

PLAYER_HAPPY: What do you see in the future?

EVAN_EMBARRASSED: I see you.

EVAN_FLIRTY: In fact, I can’t see a future with anyone else.

EVAN_FLIRTY: I can see us as we make our declarations of love.

EVAN_HAPPY: And I imagine the compliments and gratitude I’d shower you with.

EVAN_HAPPY: I imagine the finalist podium as we win the money!

EVAN_FLIRTY: And I whisk you away back home to start our life together.

EVAN_FLIRTY: I imagine late nights by the fire eating home cooked meals.

EVAN_HAPPY: And painting you on our picnics during long sunny days.

EVAN_FLIRTY: Climbing into bed beside you.

EVAN_HAPPY: Before falling asleep in each other’s arms.

EVAN_HAPPY: I want to do it all with you, {0}.

EVAN_IDLE: I know what I want to see…

EVAN_FLIRTY: I want to see us as we make our declarations of love.

EVAN_HAPPY: And imagine the compliments and gratitude I’d shower you with.

EVAN_HAPPY: I want to be on that finalist podium as we win the money!

EVAN_FLIRTY: And I whisk you away back home to start our life together.

EVAN_FLIRTY: I can imagine late nights by the fire eating home cooked meals.

EVAN_HAPPY: And painting you on our picnics during long sunny days.

EVAN_FLIRTY: Climbing into bed beside you.

EVAN_HAPPY: Before falling asleep in each other’s arms.

EVAN_IDLE: But there’s a difference between dreams and reality.

EVAN_IDLE: And what I want most is for you to be happy.

EVAN_IDLE: So before I go on dreaming, can you tell me, {0}...

EVAN_SAD: Do I have a chance tonight?

Keep that dream alive!

PLAYER_FLIRTY: Of course you do, Evan!

PLAYER_HAPPY: Don’t stop dreaming just yet.

EVAN_FLIRTY: You’ve just made my day.

Time to stop dreaming

PLAYER_IDLE: I’ll be honest, Evan.

PLAYER_EMBARRASSED: I think it’s time to face reality.

PLAYER_IDLE: Maybe don’t get your hopes up.

EVAN_SAD: I hear you loud and clear.

EVAN_HAPPY: Doesn’t change anything I’ve said.

EVAN_HAPPY: But I’ll be happy to just get the chance to be your friend.

EVAN_IDLE: And I’ll still always have your back.

PLAYER_HAPPY: Thanks, Evan.

PLAYER_HAPPY: I’m going to go catch up with the girls.

PLAYER_IDLE: I’ll see you later?

EVAN_HAPPY: Sure thing, see you at the recoupling.

EVAN_HAPPY: You know we don’t have to imagine any of this now?

EVAN_FLIRTY: Do you want to spend a little more time together before the drama starts?

EVAN_HAPPY: Maybe we could dip our feet in the pool?

EVAN_HAPPY: I’d love a chance to show you how committed I can be.

EVAN_HAPPY: And get to know each other a little better.

EVAN_FLIRTY: Who knows where it could lead…

*Let’s stay longer

PLAYER_FLIRTY: I can stay a little longer.

EVAN_FLIRTY: You just made me a very happy man.

I’m going to go

PLAYER_IDLE: I really should get going.

EVAN_SAD: You’re sure?

EVAN_IDLE: This could be the last bit of private time we can get?

EVAN_FLIRTY: I wouldn’t want to miss any <i>opportunities</i> to get closer to you.

EVAN_FLIRTY: After all, this could be our last chance.

*Alright, I’ll stay longer

PLAYER_FLIRTY: I can stay a little longer.

EVAN_FLIRTY: You just made me a very happy man.

I’m going

PLAYER_IDLE: I better go, Evan.

PLAYER_IDLE: I think the girls are waiting for me.

EVAN_SAD: Ok, {0}. I understand.

EVAN_IDLE: I’m sure whatever choice you make tonight will be the right one.

EVAN_HAPPY: I’ll see you later.

PLAYER_HAPPY: Bye, Evan.

You and Bonnie make your way over to the loungers. She pulls them closer together as you lie down in the sun side by side.

BONNIE_HAPPY: I will never get over the late afternoon sun here.

BONNIE_HAPPY: Not too hot, not too cold.

BONNIE_HAPPY: I could lay beside you on days like this forever.

BONNIE_HAPPY: Just hope it won’t be over too soon.

PLAYER_IDLE: I know what you mean.

BONNIE_HAPPY: I’ll cut to the chase, {0}.

BONNIE_HAPPY: I’ve got a lot to say to you and not a lot of time to say it.

BONNIE_HAPPY: We’ve been in this together the whole way.

BONNIE_HAPPY: So I believe you deserve the whole picture.

BONNIE_IDLE: Otherwise how can you be sure to make the right decision?

BONNIE_HAPPY: I’ve always found honesty is the best policy, don’t you agree?

I’m always truthful

PLAYER_HAPPY: I’ve never told a fib in my life.

PLAYER_HAPPY: Honesty is always the way.

BONNIE_HAPPY: Exactly.

I tell the odd white lie

PLAYER_IDLE: I mean, maybe the odd white lie?

PLAYER_IDLE: Don’t want to hurt people's feelings.

BONNIE_HAPPY: Ok sure, you got me there.

BONNIE_HAPPY: But I believe when it comes to feelings we have to be honest with ourselves.

Don’t believe a word I say

PLAYER_IDLE: I’ll be honest, Bonnie I wouldn’t believe a word that I say.

PLAYER_IDLE: It’s all lies, I barely ever tell the truth.

BONNIE_EMBARRASSED: Oh right…

BONNIE_IDLE: I hope that’s not totally true!

PLAYER_HAPPY: You’ll never know.

BONNIE_HAPPY: But I want to be honest with you nonetheless.

BONNIE_HAPPY: For all I know I haven’t got a hope with you.

BONNIE_FLIRTY: But it feels to me like we’ve been taking big steps lately.

BONNIE_FLIRTY: From that last date with the gesture and our dance.

PLAYER_FLIRTY: Yeah, that’s true.

BONNIE_FLIRTY: I just feel really close to you. Like I can share anything.

BONNIE_IDLE: It has felt like there has been some distance lately.

BONNIE_IDLE: I know you’ve been getting closer with {0}.

PLAYER_IDLE: Yeah, I guess we have.

BONNIE_HAPPY: But we’ve also shared a lot over our journey here.

BONNIE_HAPPY: And I like to think I can tell you anything.

BONNIE_FLIRTY: You did choose to marry me afterall.

BONNIE_FLIRTY: I’ve got to look out for you.

BONNIE_FLIRTY: And tell you how I truly feel.

BONNIE_FLIRTY: I guess what I’m trying to say is that you’ve always been there for me.

BONNIE_HAPPY: And I want you to know that no matter what happens I will always have your back.

PLAYER_HAPPY: Thanks, Bonnie.

BONNIE_FLIRTY: Because my head twisted to you as soon as you walked through the doors of Casa Amor.

BONNIE_FLIRTY: I was right when I said last but certainly not least.

BONNIE_HAPPY: Because you walking in here turned my world upside down.

BONNIE_FLIRTY: I remember thinking you were the most gorgeous woman I’d ever seen.

BONNIE_FLIRTY: And then getting to know you I realised you were also the smartest and the funniest.

BONNIE_HAPPY: All the good times we have shared since. From those early days in Casa Amor…

BONNIE_FLIRTY: Like the time we slept out in the pillow fort.

PLAYER_FLIRTY: That was romantic.

BONNIE_HAPPY: And that night in the hideaway exploring things together.

BONNIE_FLIRTY: You were unbelievable!

BONNIE_HAPPY: When I was stressing in the bedroom before Excess Baggage and you helped calm me down!

BONNIE_FLIRTY: You massaged all the stress away.

BONNIE_FLIRTY: And we shared that special moment…

BONNIE_FLIRTY: I’ll never forget that.

BONNIE_IDLE: I feel like us Casa Girls have a special bond.

BONNIE_FLIRTY: We’ve been through so much together. Don’t you think?

Me and you have a bond

[bl6ckr0s3]

Anxiety Overload

Do you have any idea what it’s like to have so much stress and anxiety in your system bottling up in your system and you literally haven’t had the chance to completely release it fully? Well, it fucking sucks because that’s where I am at right now. While me and Josh had been doing Uber deliveries either after I get off work or right after we wake up around 1:30 pm or 2pm, it’s straight back to working on the road trying to make every dollar we can get by the end of the day, Mentally and physically it’s taking a toll on me and I know I said it myself that even if I have taken a 2nd job if I had to go make extra income, this would be my other job. I would like to make a good living off of what I enjoy doing with photography. I would even consider applying for a 2nd job somewhere to do photography and try to better my skills and learn even more things that I have yet to learn. Sadly, my opportunity of bettering my skills with videography hasn’t given me the funds to be financially stable enough to buy the tools I need for my camera and that’s all I really need is that tool to hold my camera to have that stability of being able to record images without shaking. It would take a million years before Josh would allow me to do a project on him because he hates how he looks right now. His weight is the main factor and it has been for a long time, just like I wasn’t happy with my weight for the past 6-7 years until I finally worked hard in achieving my weight loss goal. I didn’t think it was possible for me to lose down to 120 lbs which was my maximum goal and I am so happy I have reached it after wishing for so long to be that skinny again. I will always want to retain my muscle and strength. Even though my weight has gone back up since our move to Tennessee because of all the delicious southern foods down here, I am trying to get back on track on controlling the portions of my food intake and trying not to over eat too much which is s habit that is hard to break because of growing up with a family who encourages for you to keep eating until you are full and they still want you to keep eating even though you are beyond full. 

It’s not just the old Asian culture that is like this. It’s a family that grew up trying to survive because they almost could’ve died dealing with communist and genecide. They had nothing to eat, and they were starving a lot, coming to America poor with nothing. It pisses me off that my dad wants to sell the Pomona house after they have finally a home they own especially for a good deal in a state that’s so fucking expensive to survive in. What does it matter, it’s not my business anymore because this is the reason I can’t stand living under the same roof with my father. I refused to be controlled. Fuck society. 

I been in my depressive state because of my current situation, and Joshua wasn’t helpful by telling me to go back to California. I had a talk with him and told him what he needs to work on in this relationship, because he lacks emotional affection and comfort and it’s not a good trait to have when the person who says he loves you doesn’t really show it physically. I understand he’s got his own issues with his own comfort, but it really isn’t hard to hold somebody and say everything will be ok even though it feels like it won’t for awhile. If you communicate with your partner about what they need to work on, you are giving them a chance to know where the relationship can fuck up if they neglect to. Joshua has a lot to work on and I am not sure how long it will take him to succeed with his goals/endeavors.

Struggling for a long time makes it harder to get thru day by day with your life unless you have things that can help alleviate your stress and pain. I need to attend some shows and shoot some bands. That is my therapy. That’s why I just do it and not concentrate on being paid for the work because it’s truly my therapy to help me keep going and enjoy life. If I only cared about money, I wouldn’t be any different than most of these typical humans of Los Angeles. I would just be another person that’s considered greedy and I am nothing like that. I hardly have any time now to be on my games which is a bummer because I hardly have any time to do anything for myself because of my job of being stuck on the machine. I just to go back to tour 3. I may not have to deal with the robots much if I am on that tour because I was told that they run the robots until afternoon. 

[thewolfmanny]

uhhh sappy post time

last halloween, i played house of ashes with my partner, their sister, and their sister's girlfriend. we all picked our characters and passed the controller around in couch multiplayer mode. obviously, i picked salim cuz he was the only one who wasn't us military lmao and i decided i needed to protect him at all costs. my partner played jason (cute) which thank god cuz they picked the best choices to make him feel really bad about himself hehe

i really enjoyed the story and discovered there was a fan community when i deep dived into the tumblr tag for aesthetic gif sets. i was so confused by how jason/salim could work that i started writing my fic home with you to see if i can come up with a story for them to believably get together. i don't think i did a bad job! it was the first fic i wrote/finished

now for the serious part and the point of this post - last year, i was going thru a major depressive episode bordering on suicidal due to some unfortunate-bordering-on-devastating things happening in my life. i was isolating myself and barely getting out of bed or eating. what was rough was that halloween is my favorite holiday so it was hard to get into the headspace to enjoy it until we got around to playing the game together

i found an online community during a time when i felt very disconnected with the community i used to have IRL and has since disintegrated due to the pandemic. i've lost a lot of friends over these past 2-3 years and it's still hard some days as i am trying to recover from a lifelong struggle with trauma

however, i've met some great people thru hoa and it's given me the inspiration/outlet to draw and write again when i hadn't done so for years. i look back at my first drawings for hoa a year ago and how much i've improved since then, even in writing. now i'm getting the itch to create original stories and take my art/writing seriously. being in fandom this past year has helped a lot in my recovery including safely exploring my gender and sexuality, trauma, educating myself on the world around me, and renewing old passions like learning about history. i love meeting new people from around the world and connecting together to enjoy something we love, to have fun, and relate to each other when so much terribleness is happening all over the place. kinda feels like the point of house of ashes and maybe that's why i love it so much

i'm going to start setting up my patreon and ways for folks to throw me some money if they're feeling generous. recently i had to quit a very toxic job due to racism/ableism and i'm not sure when i'll be in a good place to work full-time again. i wish i could draw and write every day for y'all and live comfortably but it's hard working solely as an artist nowadays. still, i have projects planned for the future - some horror related, kink related, original characters - and i hope y'all stick around. i'm not done with HOA yet

love,

manny

[flingza-roller]

do u have any tips for like. staying interested in things. sounds like a peculiar enough ask but ur bio says you’ve been into splatoon for 5 yrs and i heavily dislike the cycle i have of being obsessed w smth and then forgetting abt it in a couple months time. so would u have any advice perchance?? sorry for the long ask 🫶

OH MAN okay so splatoon is actually pretty weird in this regard bc my entire life ive had the same deal with cycling thru hyperfixatioms and each one only lasting like a few months, maybe a year at most. but boy i think might as well classify splatoon as a special interest cuz its solidified in my personality GDSJD

okay so, tips! i find it easier to stay interested in something if the people im around are also into it, so ive got a lotta splatoon friends/discord servers n shit (and a partner whos also brainrotting lol). its also good to stay engaged with the community (im pretty much just on tumblr cuz twitter sucks ass), i used to go to in-person meetups n stuff too! being surrounded by passion for that particular interest helps me stay passionate too.

oh and if ur an artist, the biggest thing: having characters ur really attached to (and project onto,,,) helps a lot bc its hard to fall out of an interest when ur in too deep with drawing the blorbos all the time. also making ocs and aus helps a lot with staying involved, making new content means it wont feel stale (im constantly making new stuff in my head for sploon, its what kept me fixated thru the quiet period between 2 and 3)

i actually havent even played splatoon 3 in weeks but im still very much fixated on the franchise bc my head. is so full of squids. hopefully some of this stuff helps and i wish u the best anon!! :]