#I wanna someone else to touch me :(
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Time and Time Again comes back tonight!
Thank you all for being so patient with me, I know it was a long hiatus.
My health was struggling, my arm was (is) hurting, and I decided it wasn't worth it. I'd rather be slow!
So thank you for giving me that grace, and I hope you'll be there with me for the rest of the series.
#like straight up. it's not worth it. idc how many people get mad at me#i would rather work fuckin. anything else than maintain this impossible schedule and keep hurting myself#if thats what it takes to do comics full time. then i can't do comics full time. simple as that!#i hope that for my next work i can have a healthier schedule and still make this work as my job#but if not. I'm never going back#i can't do it. 3 more years at this pace will take my ability to draw#anyways. its really good!!!#like genuinely i can feel a marked improvement in my skills#which is WILD!!! And I'm extremely happy about that!!!#just one more step into being better built to give people the quality stories they deserve.#ive not properly had the fire under my ass to finish stuff up but. its fine.#like i said? not worth it.#if i have to pause again then ill pause again. like i literally simply can not my body can't handle it#so. hopefully stuff goes smoothly but whatever happens will happen#whatever will be will be#i keep getting distracted lmfao#im excited about it coming back#and also. will. probably be distracting myself...#other creators dont read their comments. I'm like straight up not capable of that LMAOOO#i check for comments like all the time#love seeing em. love reading people's thoughts about my work#it makes me a better writer and keeps me connected to what matters most. which is my audience!#so i dont regret doing that but also. jts extremely distracting#i get straight up nothing done on big update days#cause im in the comments absolutely massive eyed refreshing.#this sounds obsessive. and it is. no jk#its just fun and keeps me in touch w peoples perception which helps me learn to write better#plus people are nice and ask me questions that i wanna answer#or if someone is being an ass. then i wanna tell them to leave (cause i cant block people) cause i consider it my responsibility#time and time again
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First meetings part 2
<< < >
In which Sun has a panic attack and Y/N tries their best to help.
Sun and Moon do not share the same memory pool, if they are "sleeping" when the other is active they do not automatically know what happened in that time. Though they do usually tell eachother everything imidiatly after "waking up". They often stay awake when the other is active though to keep eachother company.
But yea seems like Moon was the last one active before, well, whatever happened to them, while Sun had a lil nap.
#dca fnaf#fnaf sun#daycare attendant x y/n#sundrop#automaton au#my art#tw anxiety#tw panic attack#dunno what else to tw if you have any additions tell me#i know that update is a lil more cartoony and has no nice backgrounds im sorry#i hope yall still like it#i just wanna hug sun in this#y/n also wants to hug him but isnt sure if thats a good idea#asking before touching someone is always a good thing#well atleast sun is not naked anymore with his blanket not that there was anything to see anyways but it seemed to really stress him out
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#i could just delete everything#make it all go away#tell like two people my alt we can keep in touch but thats about it#although theres 4 people I'd miss#i wanna be done#i want to take control of this situation and the only way to do that is extremes#“you cant be in control all the time” i fucking know that no one knows that better than me my entire life has been someone elses#ever since this shitshow began#and now i have a way to take control right in front of me#but it means cutting off everyone and starting anew#and as tempting as that is#my actions hold consequences#not just for me#so im stuck#like i always am#actually...#only 10 people would really notice...
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Living alone and so far from my family and closest friends is really really rEALLY hard
#my stuff#i’m doing my best i’m doing my best (not enough. bc it’s never enough.)#i need a hug i need to be held i’m hungry or cold or tired or all 3 for like 80% of the day every day#i know it sounds stupid but touch starvation is a real thing and it GNAWS at you#it makes you feel so small and wretched and isolated on a deep level#i feel like if someone tried to touch me or get close to me affectionately i would throw up as a rejection response#like eating something your body has forgotten how to digest#i’ve been loved i’ve been treated gently before but i don’t have that now and i miss it#because the touch starve coupled with everything else is just. devastating#the body is a machine and i’m keeping it running on 20 miles in the tank for months in winter and it’s been years since an oil change#i used to take a kind of pride in enduring hunger and cold and discomfort stoically#now i just wanna cry and curl up in bed and wake up in some magic future where everything is better#where good food is cheap and my friends are okay and the things that bring me joy are abundant and obtainable
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After reading chapter 10 part 2 of Elbert's route
*staring into the distance on the verge of tears and feeling gross*
.... I feel bad about wanting to bang Elbert now
#......#I've been feeling bad for a while now ever since some characters can't seem to respect consent and keep fuxking touching him#but now I feel really bad#i feel horrible#i am so sorry#and obviously I wouldn't have tried to touch him without his permission like some other characters but I still feel bad#it's seeing something that I wanted to do but done by someone else without permission and how much it upsets him makes me wanna hurl#ikevil#ikemen villains#elbert main route#elbert greetia#ikevil elbert#i just want them to stop touching and hurting him
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cleaned and brushed him……..
#this is probably much less impressive from the perspective of someone else but i assure you he looks MUCH better#i’m just happy to have found a way to clean/touch up non-machine washable plushies :’)#talking#my merch#piplup#he'd probably be fine in the washing machine but i don't wanna chance it he means everything to me fr
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#personal#i think that like... the dam's broken. for lack of a better term#or i guess the ice ???? idk man#either way. been messaging back n forth with him like crazy for the past few days#i just decided that like.... whatever. if i feel like saying something i should just say it to him !!!#and i think me being open has led to him being open....#god its so hard when both ppl only really talk when they have something to say JFJDJDJDJDJDJDJDJJD#like... i cant even make up a reason to talk to him. i cant pretend to be dumb n not understand anything. he'll know its bullshit NDJDJDJDN#n e way...... defs met my match here lmao. but really its been so nice just being able to talk to him when i want. bc waiting until being i#person was getting so !!@@@ long !!! like god. i didnt know i could miss someone so bad...... its so !!@@@@@@#gah !!!!!!!!!!!!#n e way. things are goin in the right direction#and hahaha !!!!!!@ i have a game plan to make sure we stay in touch too !!!!! me n one of my other friends promised to keep in touch with#each other and i was like oh should we invite everyone else. and she was like oh !! maybe ____ so i was like !!!!!!!!#so true !!!!!!!!!!@#gosh im so excited i really like them both so much we're all similar temperaments so ya..... ive wanted to make sure i keep them JFJFJFJD#n e way. we still havent asked him but hopefully he says yes !!!! bc he always sits behind us n im just like !!!! ik you wanna sit with us#so just sit beside us istg !!!! but ah ... i think hes shy#god hes so cute#and shes like not competition btw. like..... she has a bf. she knows i like this guy now (i spilled. i couldnt hold it in 💀💀💀). and ya !!#hopefully exciting things coming!!!
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got upset by a stranger's comment on the internet once again, i really shouldn't be here
#not that people irl don't share the same opinion so idk how much it would help#'people are a social species and that included you' yeah ok but i wanna be social as in talking and laughing with friends#not touching someone's genitals#like i feel like there's a huge difference#aphobia enraged me like nothing else i swear
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trying to learn something again when you failed the first time is so intimidating with ADHD and i fucking hate it. hate that I need to master something instantly or else my anxiety and my RSD just turns against myself. "you can't figure it out anyways to just fucking drop it you fucking dumbass, nobody is gonna wanna help you"
hey, brain? how about you stfu and let me enjoy things
#venting#aka I wanna try cyberpunk modding again and port outfits#checked the nexus and saw some of the outfits and things i wanted to port has already been done#and instead of my brain thinking “oh sweet now i can have thing i want without having to make it myself”#my brain goes “see? you're so fucking slow someone else already got to it you should just stop touching that game there is no space for you#ADHD#jesus christ just let me enjoy things please let me enjoy the sensation of learning things
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so my work is supposed to offer grooming and training for the ouppies (as well as daycare and boarding) but. we dont have a groomer or trainer yet. i was told we'd get a groomer early 2024. we have not. the main reason i want a groomer is so that we can offer nail trimming services. i love all my kids but some of them have Knife Toes
#also bc it makes me mildly sad when i see a dog who really needs a bath and brush#theres 2 dogs that come in sometimes and theyre like. dirty and matted. from a distance they look alright but when youre in group with them#and esp when you try to pet them theyre matted as hell#which like. i cant say anything about it. but bitch take care of your ouppies#i would learn how to groom but. the Water.#if someone else bathed and blow dried for me i would LOVE to do the haircut and nails and stuff#if i was taught how to ofc. i feel like thats something you need someone to show you how to do. nails at least#i dont wanna risk cutting them too short bc not only will that hurt the ouppy. they will Remember That Forever#and not want their feets touched when their nails have to be done again#but i do wish i had someone to teach me how to trim their nails. id do it for free if they let me#all my kids are so cute and fluffy but KNIFE TOES#some of their nails are curling too. i think everyone needs to just take better care of their dogs tbh#like not curling BADLY. but to the point where you Notice#anyway. bedtime
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this isnt abt a specific person bc its happened with several ppl but yall dont like to give anyone time to get through anything anymore huh lol. cant say you're gonna play or watch anything bc now friends and mutuals who r fans want u to go through it all at once and know your every thought no patience no care for what you got going on you're content for amusement now and you better get it done quick and iiiiiim sick to bastard death of it!
#cliffnotes/.txt#im nota streamer i take a long time with things so can process them#and bci just bounce around between stuff a lot#its not even me losing interest i just do#and ppl dont like that!#well if you wanna treat me like im some content source for you u can open your wallet too lord knows i need the money#truly doing nothing but getting on my nerves#esp cause i dont like being told what to do and repetition#now i dont wana touch whatever it was#just. if i start something leave me alone and let me get through it at my pace ok.#idc if at my pace i finish it in 2050#cause i can garuntee i'll have had more fun with it when i dont feel like i gotta trudge through at all costs for someone elses enjoyment.#im sick of doing shit just so other people like me more#i dont want to please anybody anymore.
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so frustrating when you wanna be someone's friend and they just are not cooperating. I'M INTERESTED IN YOU AS A PERSON. PLEASE INTERACT WITH ME.
#literally don't even care if you ever ask me anything about myself#i just wanna know about you#stop directing the conversation back to work please#we dont even work together anymore and somehow he still manages to always make the conversation about work#if i bring up something else by text he will literally ignore it and just answer the stuff about work#and on the phone he just manages to shut stuff down so quickly unless it's about work and then he has follow up questions and everything#and it's not that he wants me to go away because he's telling me to stay in touch and keep him updated#and that he'll send me links to help with getting a good phd and restaurant recommendations#and so WHY wont he talk to me about anything else#literally something as simple as how his weekend was#he wont tell me#he just blanks the question and asks about whatever work related thing i'm calling about#fucking frustrating man#i wanna hang out with yooouuuuuuu#tell me about your day please#he must just wanna keep our relationship very strictly professional but it's so odd to me to have the boundary be like this#to the extent of not even being replying when i ask how he is like that's insane#surely it's still within the realm of professional to ask how someone's weekend was#it's just hurting my brain because he seems to care about me so much in a work sense and is making sure that im doing what is best for me#and he looks out for me#so it cant be that he really dislikes me THAT much surely????
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#sometimes god i’m so tired of being ‘strong’#i wanna be taken care of#i want to feel like i have the support of a loving family#i don’t want to be an adult anymore#i want to know what it feels like not to be touch starved#i want people to reach for me first. literally#a hug is so different when someone else initiates it#or casual touches#hhhhhhhh#we’re gonna make it through but damn#why do i have to do everything myself#can’t i get a little help#sadblogging
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attempting to find romance and genuine human connection as a woman in her 20’s in this era of dating is really hard and sometimes i feel like giving up and saying that “romantic love is a lie, patriarchy has made it so that half of my dating pool sees me as an object to be used and not a fully realized person so what’s the fucking point” yadda yadda blah blah blah BUT seeing my team of dude coworkers be doting husbands and fathers (and doing so consistently) is like the one thing that keeps me sane while i’m fighting for my life in the situationship trenches
#example: we get a lot of free food from my job and one of my coworkers will text his wife to ask what she wants w/o fail#lizzy's personal posts#anyways i went on a really bland dinner date yesterday lol#he was nice there was just no spark so i don’t think i wanna see him again haha#i think especially with online dating discourse on all sides of the gender spectrum it’s very ‘us vs. them’#so it’s good to basically go outside and ‘touch grass’ or in this case see that there IS hope#‘wait weren’t you dating someone else?’ still am! but we’re non-exclusive and he pissed me off the other day lol
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I want to be held
#the perils of having your main love language be touch but no one else in your life has the same one means I’m always the one hugging and -#-being physically affectionate with people which I love but I’m never on the receiving end#i want someone to hold me close and hug me right#*tight#augh. i wanna be loved
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I like drawing ppl's faces in charcoal bc it's like you caress them very gently until all their dimensions are there. Teehee so intimate so tender
#tales from diana#forgive me father but i have purchased art supplies from temu.........#it's just charcoal i just bought sticks of willow charcoal#and i only did it bc someone in my family lost my box of charcoal >:(#my mom got me charcoal pencils for xmas but i genuinely do not think she is aware that that is Not what i needed#i do appreciate it but i really do not like working w pencils#pencils require precision. which i do not have#i wanna do more drawings. i wanna draw brian protheroe again#but maybe half-decent again#all i can think of that i wanna draw is shakespearean actors. old movie stars. and my friends and family#but should i want to draw anything else?#yes. toys.#ive lost touch with my doll-and-stuffed-animal-drawing roots
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