#I really do need a real diary

[scottspack]

i need a real diary but the online public one will have to do. im feeling so many things lately and have had such a crazy year of intense sudden growth and change and im trying to keep my head above water while also trying to appreciate and enjoy the new challenges as they come but also trying to synthesize and learn lessons not just go from one fire to the next without learning anything from the one I just put out. I want to be an intentional leader who leads in a pre meditative and considerate way and not in whatever instinctive and reactionary way first springs to mind when im in a situation. I want to make good decisions, not just acceptable ones, I want to build good habits, not just easy ones, I want to act, not just react. I’ve done a lot of maturing, but not enough. I’ve made a lot of progress, but there’s still so much room to grow. I’m proud of the decisions I’ve made, but I know I’ll look back on some of them in the future and see all of the ways I could’ve done better. I’m proud of myself and impatient for the future version of me that’s better at all of this.

[untitledgoosegay]

re last reblog I do see fanfic culture pushing/replicating a certain model of "what trauma looks like," "how trauma works"

this is a problem across all areas of society obviously, but transformative works are, well, transformative. they're about crafting and modifying narratives where the fan-creator sees a flaw or a lack -- often for the better! don't get me wrong, I've done my fair share of "I take a hammer and I fix the canon," it's the main thing that gets my creative gears spinning -- but what happens when that "flaw" is simply a narrative not conforming to popular expectations?

some people just don't get PTSD from events that sound obviously traumatic. they're not masking, and they're not coping; they just straight-up didn't get the permanently-locked stress-response that defines PTSD. they walk away from a horrible experience going "well, that sucked, but it's over now." some people do get PTSD from events most people wouldn't find traumatic. we don't really know why some people get PTSD and others don't. but fandom has an idea of events that must be traumatizing, of a "correct" way to portray trauma. you see the problems with this lack of understanding in e.g. fans pressuring the devs of Baldur's Gate 3 to add dialogue where the player character badgers Halsin about his own feelings on his abuse -- because he must be traumatized, and his trauma must fit a certain mold and presentation of sexual trauma, under the mistaken impression that anything outside that narrow window is somehow "wrong" and disrespectful or even harmful to survivors.

take, for another example, the very common trope of a traumatized character who hates touch or sex "learning" to like touch or sex as a part of their healing process. certainly that can be healing for some people; other people will never like, or want, touch or sex, because of trauma or because they just don't. the assumption that someone who doesn't want sex or doesn't like to be touched must be traumatized, must be suffering from this perceived lack, is seriously harmful -- to asexual people, to people with sensory issues around touch, and to people for whom healing from trauma means freedom to refuse sex or touch.

and there's a secondary trope, one that's slightly more thoughtful but ultimately repeats the problem -- that once someone has learned that their boundaries will be respected, they'll feel it's safe to soften those boundaries. once they feel safe refusing touch or sex, they'll feel comfortable allowing it on their own terms. but many people don't, and many people won't! many people will simply never want to be touched, and never want sex, and they are not suffering or broken or lacking because of it. the idea that proving you'll respect someone's boundaries entitles you to test those boundaries -- the paradox is obvious, and yet this is something i've seen hurt (re-traumatize) people i care for.

people are imperfect victims. people don't heal in the ways you expect. many people have positive memories of their abuse, of their abusers. many people hurt others in the course of their trauma, in ways that can't easily be unpacked in a 5k oneshot. very few narratives of trauma and recovery actually fit the ones put forward by popular children's media and romance novels -- which are the ones I most see replicated in fandom spaces, because they provide the clearest narrative and easiest catharsis, and so they're easy and soothing to reach for.

that's not necessarily a bad thing! i am not immune to goopy romance tropes. i am not immune to teary catharsis. not every fic has to grapple with ugly realities. but there's a problem when these narratives become predominant, when people think they're accurate and realistic depictions of trauma, when the truth of trauma is unpleasant and uncomfortable, and doesn't fit any single narrative, let alone one of comforting catharsis

[puppyeared]

started stardew valley for the first time. born to remember villager likes and dislikes forced to immediately forget it the moment i take my eyes off thw wiki

[james-stark-the-writer]

feel like pure shit, just want her back

[icewindandboringhorror]

More misc. daily life pictures and such

[toastsnaffler]

genuinely so devastating to finish my flcl rewatch and pull up the tumblr tag confident that everyone else is also down cataclysmic for haruko and posting abt it but *crickets*

[teeth-thief]

desperately shining a flashlight on my covid test to try and see an imaginary line because I'm hungover and I don't wanna go to class

[giantkillerjack]

I miss my shitty sisters so much. I am feeling the family trauma sharp and harsh today. I woke up from a long anxiety dream again. One of the ones where I'm eternally just trying to get a ride home, and my family just can't seem to give me that. There's always one more thing before I can be allowed to go home. My wife is never in these dreams for long because then she'd help me and the dream would no longer be about family anxiety.

This time, I had fallen asleep in real life with my CPAP machine mask on, so the dream was less severe and not about how I couldn't breathe. In fact, I even had nice moments with my family in this dream. Me and my sisters - especially my older sister who was horribly ableist and emotionally abusive to me - seemed to make up. She didn't apologize or anything, but in the dream, I gave in and invited her to hang out with me. And in a way, it was nice. We watched TV together again like we used to. All three of us. Like in some of my very happiest memories of home.

I think that's why waking up felt so painful to me. Because that comfort was ripped away and replaced with the reality that if I invited my sisters and I to have that again, then there is nothing to stop the same pattern of abuse from occurring for the hundredth time. I would become too depressed to eat, then I would become anemic and suicidal again. I refuse to be that hungry every again on their account. I have this eating disorder because of my sister's abuse, and I will not open myself up to undoing all my hard work on my partial recovery just because I miss her.

But gods, I miss her. I miss my little sister too. I miss having a family that feels whole. I miss my old house which is now sold and never to be the place of comfort it was again. I miss feeling like everything was okay between us.

But everything was never truly okay. So much of the extreme conflict we had was from me developing boundaries against bad treatment for the first time in my life. Of refusing to be treated in the ways they had always treated me.

I gave my big sister dozens of second chances, and she blew through all of them with the absolute confidence of a person who believes they will never stop receiving chances. I warned her that there was a limit, I told the rest of the family how much it hurt that they kept insisting I repair the relationship no matter how it affected me - no matter if it had me begging forgiveness for how I reacted to being abused. So much demand to apologize for making space for myself to be away from them so I could be safe or for - gods forbid - shouting about how their ableism endangered the lives of me and my wife. Shouting! How utterly evil to yell when one's life is threatened! Better to bear it with a smile and agree that actually you ARE just dramatic, right??? 🙄

I realized that there simply was no upper limit to the amount of emotional and ableist abuse I could receive from her, from my parents, or from my younger sister that would not result in the other members of the family insisting it is my responsibility to make myself available to repair the relationship. The wholeness of the family unit was more important than the wholeness of me.

So even if I miss them, even if I am sad how sad they are missing me, how sad my parents are that I won't speak to them, even though I still truly love them... I have an inner child inside of me that I will NOT allow them to make hungry and hurt and guilty and confused again! I deserve so much better than how they've treated me! My wife and my friends have proven that!

I am allowed to have grief and boundaries simultaneously. What I grieve is not my choice to make distance - I do not regret this decision, as it is the reason I have been slowly able to get healthier rather than sicker these past 2 years - I grieve that I was treated so poorly that I had no choice but to cut them off.

I grieve it truly and deeply and even in my sleep. I wailed in my bed this morning from the crushing weight of the waves of grief. I let them wash over me. And I let myself feel them. I survive, still breathing, and I continue to sail somewhere new.

[blackvahana]

Well! Well. I shut off Oblivion. I went to annoy Lev in the astral. He has a body chilling on my bed reading something or playing with something or. whatever. Anyway. So I start making Poses at him again because something in my goddamn biology needs to fucking do weird ass bird mating dances at him at every given opportunity. My bed is right beside my desk, head of the bed and back of the desk are in a line. Im sitting at my desk physically. I'm like oh. Sudden strong spirit presence beside me! Said hi to Lev guessing he got up to watch over my shoulder because I closed oblivion and he was asking me about it (so he probably came to look) and then was like. Oh that's not you is it. Because. That's where my astral body is.

Yeah no that was me. Because I could turn around and look through planes into my faces.

It's not the first time I've had a strong presence in the astral! I do that every once in a blue moon. I've dropped the temperature and brightness of rooms before, the spirits possessing my body have felt me before in the way I feel them but

I. don't talk about this because I don't agree p shifting is a thing but this is dangerously close to p shifting type beliefs, but in my and my groups experience spirits can actually physically come here. All planes are connected, it's not about a Veil but about a huge magnetic gap between this plane and the others and it's huge polarisation that means you need a fuck tonne of energy to translate yourself into a body on this plane And to get back out of it so it tends it really just be gods coming here and generally as shit like animals so they don't get Spotted. Generally. I don't care if anyone believes me I don't talk about it for others - uh. double meaning there. I'm not talking about it for others now, and usually I never mention it for others' sakes. This is not about others

But I was thinking that. I get thoughts crossing my mind especially lately about "well if I had a fuck tonne of energy, could I be here in two bodies...." in the way of the theory of it. trying to understand more about how this plane works and whatnot. this.

This was the first time. looking at myself through planes. Where I was like. I have two bodies in the same universe. both real. both exist. both are me. This is not some abstract "I exist and then the astral is some foreign place" I was in another body as real as this one on the fucking other side of the veil and I felt myself there. Like I've felt myself in the astral before, but now I'm like. spirits are not vague fucking things. I know they're real i Know the theory but I never let myself KNOW the theory

[thetimelordbatgirl]

Okay no joke, I generally forgot the Ever After High doll diaries confirmed the next Blue Fairy was basically fucking dead and at the end of her diary, Farrah flies off to find Cedar, determined to help her in the late Blue Fairy's place.

[lesbianaglaya]

revoking people’s right to talk about the tolstoy marriage until they write and turn in to me a ten page essay on complex relationships

[millepara]

saved from my mychara room album before the photos are cleared out at the end of the month! (end-of-summer casual, passion etoile, marching mix)

[jonathanrook]

okay but the problem is. and the reason i don't actually id as ace. is that i have. ya'know. been sexually attracted to people before. two. to be specific.

[callixton]

on the one hand as a freak of a guy who passed very well for normal and innocent for many years of my life i do enjoy giving those traits to characters by way of justifying making them kinky little degenerates. on the other hand i'm only 21 and as soon as i got into a space where it was more acceptable (read: started professionally studying theater) i sort of lost the knack of covering for it. so what i'm trying to say is the integrity of characterization is important to me but i've entirely lost my waypoint for what access/awareness to that sort of world someone can have before you claim it's bullshit and ooc yknow

[cloneboywonder]

im so CWCcoded

[lieutenantselnia]

I randomly decided to dig out my old dream diary and I'm literally howling with laughter right now about some of the stuff I wrote down there😂😂 So much mildly cursed but in hindsight also extremely hilarious stuff😭😂

For context, I've been wanting to learn lucid dreaming for a long time (still can't do it unfortunately), and for a while during my teenage years I actually tried writing a dream diary to learn remembering my dreams more clearly (according to my notes I actually managed to even get a few semi-lucid dreams!). Most of these are from the first half of 2018, when I actually managed to write down my dreams consistently for a couple months, plus a few from 2019 and early 2020, in total about 20 dreams. I thought it might be funny to share some of the most hilarious, cursed or just really random moments from them:

I met with people that I either went to school with at the time or used to go to school with before, and we had to participate in various competitions or challenges, usually it was either something absurdly dangerous and cruel or something extremely embarrassing. That sort of stuff occurred in multiple dreams, like one time we were in the sports hall of my old primary school and had to kill each other with spears, another time me and some classmates were participating in a challenge of some random YouTuber and had to jump from a really high tower into a bath tub (which had no water in it but a trampoline).

We had to present our short film projects in English class (this is something we actually did in real life), and one group did a retelling of "The Lion King" where Timon died at the finale and that was just how the film ended. Also General Burkhalter from Hogan's Heroes was there as a film critic. He liked that ending even though most other people were just really confused about it.

I met Heinrich Himmler and Reinhard Heydrich on a Christmas market and they were a gay couple and I took stupid selfies with them (what the fuck). In another dream Himmler was together with Joseph Goebbels instead, but before I woke up they told me it was actually just a prank and when I looked at the date it was suddenly April Fool's Day.

On my 15th birthday (in real life) I dreamed that it was summer and Christmas at the same time. (I live in the northern hemisphere so that doesn't happen here. Also my birthday is obviously not at Christmas.)

So. Many. Dreams. About. Thrawn. I swear about half of all the dreams I wrote down were just about me being in love with Thrawn and trying to get together with him, the nonsense level of the surrounding scenarios usually varying. There are too many to explain them all, but one of my favourite quote from one of the diary entries is probably "Thrawn and I had an ugly child", it's just so blunt and random😭 In another dream Thrawn randomly had a beard and I lowkey hated it, and in another he turned out to just be a human guy with make-up and I was super disappointed when I woke up.

A bunch of doctors and scientists were investigating our garden pond and randomly found the corpse of a blue-haired girl, but they weren't interested in her at all and just threw her onto our compost heap💀

I was Tony Stark's adoptive daughter (no idea why, I'm not even in the Marvel fandom) and when someone broke into our house to steal his inventions, I tried fighting the guy off and we had a duel with using a pot and a frying pan as weapons. He was arrested and we went eating tacos to celebrate.

Not gonna lie reading through all this madness actually makes me want to start writing a dream diary again😂 Like, even if I still don't learn lucid dreaming, at least I'll have something to laugh about again in a few years xD