#I realize this campaign makes absolutely no sense to anyone who doesn’t already know what’s going on and I love it

[captaincleverusernamehere]

I just improvised like half of a dnd session and STILL managed to get the plot going where I need it to, in a COMPLETELY different way than I thought I was going to get that information, got the party to COMMUNICATE with each other, and introduced a BOOKSTORE GHOST WITH A CAT WHO MADE A DEAL WITH A PLAYER THAT SHE WOULD COME BACK AND TELL HER THE REST OF HER STORY bc they’re in an apocalypse so there are no more books to read and aaaaa

Now I get to design a mini dungeon for the players to steal a car from the neighborhood dealership that has been turned into a home base for the gang of republican dads who are also trying to survive this zombie apocalypse

[dreamlandforever]

Welcome? To Hellfire Club - Part 3

Here's part 3! It is a lot more introspection into Jeff than anything else, but I have had this in mind for a bit. Hope you like it!

Part 1 Part 2

Part 3 - Hellfire Club

Even though Jeff was really invested in the game, he had also kept his attention on his surroundings all evening, and unlike Gareth, Jeff doesn’t really have anything against Steve, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t still make him feel a little nervous. Jeff, and he is almost certain Freak as well, believe that Steve deserves a chance, especially because he is sure that whenever Eddie talks about “some dude” who saved him from the Earthquake, and “just a friend” that is driving him to and from his physical therapy, and “my buddy” who has his fridge full of Tupperware with food ready to just be re-heated, he is always referring to Steve Harrington. He has no proof, but he also doesn’t have any doubts, because pretty much every other friend Eddie has is sitting around the table.

He is almost certain that Gareth’s hatred towards Steve doesn’t have anything to do with Steve himself, but more with what he represents. Jeff is aware that Gareth is younger than he is, by about two years, which means he doesn’t really know Steve, but he certainly has heard the rumors. Tommy Hagan. Billy Hargrove. The King. He wasn’t there to see Steve’s fall or to know that no violence ever truly came to them freaks during his reign. But he was there for all of Carver’s ruling. 

Jeff remembers his Freshman Year, and how the worst bullying he got was a few taunting words here and then. Whenever Tommy would get violent, Steve was there to divert his attention. If anything, Steve could be considered a lot more of a mean girl than a bully. He knew exactly what to say to make you feel like trash, but he never once raised a fist against anyone. Until Jeff saw him come in with a black eye and a lot of bruises, but he still didn’t know what that was about. And, honestly, he seemed much too busy dating to really give them the time of day. Jason Carver was in no way the new Steve Harrington, and while Jeff hadn’t really given it much thought before now, he was realizing that Gareth didn’t know that. Carver had been his entire high school experience. 

Still, it feels like a betrayal to just be friendly to Steve. 

But here he was, taking care of the children Eddie had adopted, who all seemed to consider him more like a brother rather than a babysitter. And there was Eddie himself, who spoke like the guy was heaven sent. Jeff still didn’t buy the idea of his mysterious friend, it simply had to be Harrington, even if it didn’t exactly match Jeff’s pre-conceived idea of the man. 

Looking around the dining room as inconspicuous as possible, and Jeff has gotten really good at blending with the background as a way of survival ever since his first year of high school, he noticed that the only people who seemed tense were Gareth, Eddie Freak, and himself. Steve had appeared to be anxious about having them over when they first got there, and that had set off Jeff’s alarms. What had the man been expecting? But now, looking at everything Steve had done to ensure everyone was comfortable, and how he was now nodding off next to Robin, but still grasping the napkins where he kept the notes of the campaign, he was pretty sure he was actually nervous, and not anxious about them being there. 

In a way, it made sense. It also made absolutely no sense at all. Steve Harrington at his own home, and all they were, were the freaks of their high school, who had been hunted for murder in the spring. 

Somewhere between Jeff trying to decipher his feelings towards Harrington and following Eddie’s rather complex story line, Steve had woken up again. Standing next to the loveseat, instead of sitting on it, cracking his spine in a way that seemed absolutely horrifying to Jeff, but Harrington seemed to find lovely. 

“It’s already 8 pm, guys. I am making some sandwiches for a late dinner. You cannot go to bed with only sugar in your systems, your parents will kill me.” Steve said, breaking the silence that had fallen after Eddie had informed them that the corridor they had chosen was a dead-end, and they hadn’t figured a way out yet.  

“Don’t you guys have a curfew?” Jeff asked, before he had realized he was even speaking. 

Steve let out a nice laugh, “Yes, they do. But they are having a sleepover at Will’s, so I talked Joyce into letting them arrive a little later today. A little.” He responded, the last sentence an obvious threat directed at Dustin. Jeff wasn’t sure why Dustin, if Eddie was the one that called the shots here, but he ignored it, deciding to focus more on if they would also get sandwiches or just the kids. 

“I will help you.” Robin said, standing up slowly and yawning loudly. 

Steve shook his head again. “No, I can handle it, Bobby. Make sure I don’t miss anything?” She sat down with a nod, looking for the pen that had fallen while Steve and her had nodded off a few minutes ago.

“So, requests?” Steve asked, making his way to the kitchen. The kids started to scream so loud and so fast that Jeff couldn’t understand a thing, but Steve nodded along like he understood what they were saying, and then they shut up. Just like that. He saw Gareth’s impressed face as well, but it soon slipped back into a mask of indifference. Jeff wasn’t that in control of his own face, how the fuck did Harrington got them to shut up? Eddie always has to threaten them to achieve that. Jeff noticed that Steve was looking at them, still standing in the dining room.

“Guys?” He asked, prompting them to speak.

“Yes?” This time the question came from Freak, who seemed just as confused as Jeff.

“Sandwiches?” Steve repeated himself, as if that explained everything. When it didn’t elicit a response, he clarified. “What can I get for you? I know Eddie’s, but I don’t know yours, Kevin.” 

Freak almost jumped out of his seat in surprise. “I…uh, like cheese?” He said, stumbling over his own words. Jeff wasn’t sure anyone had called Freak by his government name in months.

Steve just nodded, unaware of any of this. “Is grilled cheese okay?” 

Freak nodded back. “You can…no one calls me Kevin” He said finally, and that seemed to make Steve nervous again.

“Oh, I am sorry. Did I get your name wrong?” 

“No, no. My name is Kevin. I just…I go by Freak.” He explained. “Please?” He added at the end, his voice a mixture of confusion and frustration. 

“I will have whatever Eddie is having.” Jeff said, as soon as Freak was done talking, to break the tension before it had any time to settle.

“Alright, grilled cheese for Freak, bologna for Jeff and Eddie, Gareth?” Steve asked, without missing a beat. Jeff wasn’t sure what he was expecting, but he knew Freak was a little sensitive about being called Kevin, so he Steve got some brownie points for that smooth move. 

“Nothing from you, Harrington. You are not our babysitter.” Gareth answered venomously.

Jeff expected Eddie to say something at that moment, but instead it was the kids who came to the man’s defense.

“No need for that!” Lucas half-yelled at Gareth.

“Not cool, man!” Dustin.

“He is not my babysitter!” Mike.

“I don’t think there’s any need to be rude.” came Will’s much calmer response. Jeff liked him, he had a good head on his shoulders.

Steve just raised his hand, making the kids fall silent again. He nodded once again and went into the kitchen, patting the wall he was leaning against twice before going. Jeff had always thought it was a weird thing for jocks to do, just pat or slap things around them.

Jeff forgot about the sandwiches about five minutes later, because Lucas just led them to a trap, and they are now head-to-head with a hoard of fucking Mephitis, until Steve comes out again with great smelling food.

“Okay, first up, Mike, Will, and Freak.” He informed everyone, waiting for them to open enough space on the table for him to set the plates in front of them. 

“Thank you, Steve!” Will says, taking his own plate. Mike just nods, and Freak looks at a loss, so he just nods too after a few seconds. 

Mike had what seemed like grilled cheese with tomato, Will had half a grilled cheese and half a peanut butter and jelly, and Freak had a regular grilled cheese. Steve must have noticed him looking because he quickly told him “It’s blueberry jam. I don’t know how bad the allergy is, but no strawberry anywhere in the kitchen, man.” Jeff nodded; he honestly hadn’t even thought about that.

“Thanks, man” Jeff calls after him, as Steve was almost out of sight back to the kitchen, but he saw him raise his hand up in acknowledgment. 

Steve re-appears once again with three more sandwiches, now one of them Jeff’s, the other one Eddie’s and the last one for Dustin. Jeff can see he has a bologna sandwich, with mustard and pickles. Eddie loves that shit, and Jeff is okay with that. Dustin has half a ham and cheese sandwich, and the other half of the peanut butter and jam that Will had. 

Steve comes out once again, but instead of handing out sandwiches, he sets two big plates on the table, one with an array of chopped up vegetables and another one with different chips. Instead of immediately going back to the kitchen, though, this time he clears his throat loudly. The kids immediately start complaining but started grabbing different vegetables to add to their sandwiches.  Eddie does too, after Robin starts lecturing him on iron deficiency. Jeff decides to do so as well in case anyone starts nagging at him as well. 

In his last run, Steve places what seems to be a ham and cheese right next to Gareth without a word, and goes to sit with Robin with their sandwiches. “Disgusting gilled cheese with bacon and apple for you” he announced, while Robin makes grabby hands at him excitedly. 

Will is rolling his dice in between bites of his sandwich, and Steve looks at Eddie meaningfully, Jeff sees his eyebrows almost reach his hairline. Eddie lets out a sigh, before announcing they were all taking a 15 minute break for dinner, and makes everyone put their dice away. That takes Jeff by surprise. They were always supposed to eat once the session was over, or make do with easy snacks they can eat while playing. 

And here they were, with a full 15 minute break, warm sandwiches in their plates, a big plate in the middle with different veggies and chips in case they wanted to add them, and drinks. 

___________________________________________

Steve knows that the Harrington charm will not work this time. It might actually work against him. So, after Robin shoots him a weird look for the umpteenth time to get him to relax, he decides to do that and act as he normally would, just Steve. He is trying to make them like him without having to be someone else, anyway. 

However, if he can force feed Max after physical therapy, he can make a sandwich for Gareth even if he won’t eat it. So he places the plate besides the man and goes to sit himself, without saying a word. He can be angry if he wants, but Steve is not going to sink to that level. He doesn’t feel like he has to.

And that’s when he notices that Will is eating with one hand, to be able to hold his dice with the other. Steve shoots Eddie a look, which the man ignores. Steve doesn’t move, though, so eventually after a few seconds, Eddie just groans and, after letting out a sigh tells everyone to take 15, as he himself gets to eating. 

Eddie usually gives them 10-30 minutes to eat whenever the game went long enough to clash with lunch or dinner time, depending on how hard Steve was willing to fight him on that, but considering that he had just made them sandwiches, the 15 minutes were enough. 

 “Dustin, chew better before swallowing you are going to choke” Steve scolds, after the boy has to drink half a juice box to be able to swallow for the second time. Dustin rolls his eyes at him, but does start to take smaller bites. Steves ignores him, in favor of continuing to eat his own sandwich, already loaded with vegetables and mayonnaise. 

Mike reaches over the table for more chips for his sandwich, while Will places half of his peanut butter and jam on his plate. Mike smiles at him, placing a fourth of his already cut sandwich in Will’s plate. 

Jeff finds that interesting. He had heard a lot about Will, the missing member of the kid’s group, but he never really thought he would fit it that easily in Hellfire in general. 

___________________________________________

Eddie calls it a night at 9:30, since Steve had been shooting him looks since 9 pm and Eddie figured the most he can stretch that out was half an hour without really getting in trouble with the man. While he is marking where everyone was and the last actions they took in his notebook, he tells them he will let them know when and where the next session is.

“I thought we were now playing here?” Mike asks, looking at Steve instead of at Eddie. 

Steve nods without missing a beat.  “I thought so, too. You know you can keep coming here, Eddie. No need to move anything, either. I rarely use the table, you can just continue instead of taking a bunch of notes.” He said simply, continuing to clean up the snack table with Robin’s help. They were probably going to sleep over at Jonathan’s as well, since they were going to be driving over so late and the movie was at least an hour and a half long, so they had to finish before leaving. 

Mike nodded, going back to his conversation with Will, shouldering his backpack without moving anything on the actual table. Jeff stared at that interaction. 

“We don’t fit in the car, so you guys are going to have to squeeze together in the back” Steve informed them, before disappearing inside the kitchen.

Just like that, the decision seemed to be made, because all the kids stopped taking notes and just grabbed their bags. 

Dustin was about to complain, when Robin stuck her tongue out at him. “I am older, I have shotgun privileges.”

“I have known him longer, I have seniority!” He fought back, sticking his tongue back at her. 

“You are fifteen, Dusty-buns, you do not get seniority.”

“She’s right, man, she gets shotgun tonight. You can ride shotgun tomorrow on our way to your house.” Steve said, coming back into the dining room. 

Now it was Robin’s turn to complain, if her outraged expression was anything to go by, but before she could utter a word, Steve interrupted.

“We are just dropping him off, Robin, you can ride shotgun again when we pick Max up for her appointment tomorrow morning.” Robin nodded at that.  

“We are taking her to the mall afterwards, don’t forget.” Robin reminded him.

“Oh, you are right. I need to get jeans, then.” He said, running upstairs. 

“Bring me one of your swim team shirts!” She called after him. 

When Steve came back, he had a bag thrown over his shoulder, and he handed a shirt that was probably too big for Robin at her, which she stuffed in her own backpack. 

“We are going to Jonathan’s to watch movies, if you want to join us?” Steve invites the older members of the club. “We are watching Friday the 13th or The Evil Dead, I am not sure, if you want to join us.” 

Gareth refuses with a snort, and the rest of the guys turn down the invitation following his lead. Although Jeff seems to consider it, he ultimately sides with Gareth. 

Jeff looked back the kids, trying to come to some sort of conclusion. They seemed to trust Steve completely, even Mike Wheeler, who seemed to be angry at life. He seemed to give Steve a hard time, fighting back on everything the man said, but he never once said anything against Steve himself. And when the question of where they were playing next had come, he had immediately looked at Steve, like he was sure the man would let them continue coming to his place. Like he was used to Steve making decisions.

The most surprising part was that the man had agreed easily, and Mike had nodded like he knew that was the answer before he said it and had only spoken it out loud for the rest of the people in the room.

Dustin had nothing but praise to sing about the man. Lucas too, when given the chance. If you got that kid started on sports, he was off on basketball and Steve. It’s just that Jeff never thought he actually meant Steve Harrington. They all just used his first name. 

Eddie refuses, too, but Jeff sees he seems even more hesitant to refuse than he did. Steve looks at Eddie weirdly, like he was expecting him to accept, but nods, saying goodbye to everyone, agreeing to meet back at his place next Thursday. Steve says they can start earlier this time, if they want, because this Thursday is his and Robin’s day off. Steve Harrington is hosting them on his fucking day off. 

And wait, did he say he works with Robin Buckley? Doesn’t she work in retail or something like that? Is that what The King is doing now?

Jeff decides that he will give Steve Harrington a chance. Most of his uncertainty comes from Eddie’s very telling silence. He is the one who brought them here, but has yet to say anything about Gareth’s comments or behavior. If by the end of the campaign, which may or may not be next session, the former king does anything that seems like a threat to him or any of his friends, anything that lets him know that Steve is anything but genuine, Jeff will side with Gareth and they can all find somewhere else to hold Hellfire Club. But if he keeps behaving the way he has been so far, he himself will call a Corroded Coffin meeting and speak on the man’s behalf, because Jeff believes in autonomy and earning your respect, not letting society determine every one’s role. 

taglist: @steddie-as-they-go@cinnamon-mushroomabomination@queerdeerling@space-invading-pigeon@starman-jpg@swimmingbirdrunningrock @sofadofax @lessqn @hyperfixationgoddess

[teruthecreator]

okay. thoughts on the grad finale

gonna slap it under a readmore bc i’m Sure i’m gonna ramble. 

uh spoiler warning for the finale of taz graduation, as well as spoilers for the season in general.

also, these are my own thoughts of how the season went, what the themes were, etc! if you don’t agree with me, that’s fine! but i don’t wanna have a convo w you in the replies about it i’ll be honest. if you want to share your opinion so badly, make your own post, alright? that good? we cool?

aight. so. finale thoughts.

to make it short: i think the finale was a satisfying end of a very good arc. 

to expand upon that, let me share what i think the themes of graduation were and why the finale satisfies those themes. 

i made a post about this a while back (here it is if you want) but my honest belief was that the theme of graduation was self-reliance: the concept that you don’t allow yourself to be governed by forces that go against your own beliefs. this concept was coined by essayist ralph waldo emerson to talk about how the american people shouldn’t allow the government to create laws that go against the will of the people. now, understandably, this feels very anti-capitalist which is what i think a lot of fans believed was reflected through the season. 

but, in reality, self-reliance has more to do with being active in your government and making sure you’re being represented the way you want to be by your representatives. that’s sort of the vibe emerson was going for in his essay, and i think. in a sense? that translates to graduation. but i took self-reliance in the more metaphorical about breaking away from those things that are controlling you. which, in graduation, was A Lot Of Things. 

the way i saw it, there were two major groups that inflicted order upon the world and the thundermen--conveniently separated as order and chaos (not the deities though, just the concepts). 

the order half of control existed mostly through the school and the HOG. the HOG created the economic reliance on the heroes and villains system, which removed all literal meaning from those terms and turned them into bureaucratic titles. society existed under these very strict checks and balances; heroes and villains supplied money to the kingdom in terms of entertainment, which then boosted that kingdom’s creditability and allowed them to contribute more to nua’s economy, which then led heroes and villains to have a higher demand, thus perpetuating the cycle. it’s important to note that this term does not represent the sort of morality we expect for heroes and villains--hell, even the term “evil” turned into an arbitrary term used to show those heroes and villains who failed the system. this is the more prominent representation of control that the thundermen break away from in achieving their own self-reliance. they don’t see the value in a system that holds no real moral code (fitzroy Especially, but i’ll get into that in a bit), and can’t help the public when there’s actually a serious situation. as we saw with althea in the beginning, the HOG had no way to help the thundermen when they were dealing with the whole Demon Prince situation (as he had already placed some of his own people in there, proving these kind of systems are easily corruptible). so this wasn’t a system meant to Actually create heroes and villains--it was just a way of boosting the economy. 

the chaos half of control existed primarily through grey and Chaos. grey represented how chaos could be controlled, through various means. he planted that tree for the centaurs to fight over because he knew it would constantly create conflict, which he enjoyed. he kept the school under a watchful eye to prevent anyone from stepping out of line with his grand ideas, and used several manipulation tactics to try and get his way (most notably, his own admittance of grooming fitzroy into joining his side, which didn’t work). grey was the perfect example of how chaos does not automatically mean a lack of control. he was very controlling in how he did things because he had an endgoal: find hieronymous and have a war. but he didn’t even realize he was contributing to a greater idea, that being Chaos’s insistence on causing general disarray. as we realize now, Chaos’s plan was both for them and Order, but i’m leaving Order out for a second because they only really rear their head in towards the end. for the most part, audiences were led to assume that Chaos was the Big Bad(TM); they were the one pulling the strings, allowing things to happen to cause general chaos and disarray. them supplying random mortals with their endless power was a way to plant chaos into the world of nua; but it was a chaos they controlled. fitzroy resisting them was not simply a refusal to bend to Chaos, but it was resisting the control put on him through his magic. 

these systems were constricting the thundermen on both sides. when they thought they’d find help in one side, they were disappointed to find that there was nothing anyone could do. the only people who could fix their problems were...them. so they forged a new path, set new ideas, and became self-reliant. that’s what i think is the most important aspect of graduation; not the anti-capitalist implications of turning over the economic and political systems in place, but the idea that if nothing that is supposed to help you is actually helping that you can just...do your own thing! 

and i think that’s what the finale really shows, at the end of the day. that these forms of control were not doing anything helpful, and were in fact ruining the fabric of space-time! that’s where i think Order comes in because Order is really...the ultimate culmination of control. they are aware that Everything being done will benefit their cause. the HOG? well, they make sure everybody’s so incompetent that they can do their work. grey? well, he’ll contribute to the plan without even realizing it. they even manipulated Chaos and enacted their own form of control over Chaos to make sure that they had no reason to believe that this plan couldn’t go wrong. but Order knew. Order always knew there was a chance for error, and that chance was very great. but they didn’t care! so long as they had control of things, they could try a hundred times to get it right. they had no care for mortals, unlike Chaos. 

the thundermen showing Chaos the truth is the final jenga piece that collapses this tower of control. which is why the finale is so great. 

travis does a phenomenal job of incorporating chaos (general chaos) into the battle mechanics. it may be stupid and slightly arbitrary, but having them change forms randomly and having to adapt to those new circumstances really does exemplify the season!!! the thundermen were constantly forced into new situations (being sidekicks/henches, fitzroy becoming a villain, being let in on the heiro dog situation, the unbroken chain trial, joining forces w grey, etc.), and in all of them they simply found a way to adapt and keep working their way. which made the finale generally interesting and also thematically interesting! 

i think my favorite part of the entire fight scene is right at the end, when argo chucks the shark’s tooth necklace at Order. and time stops. and they’re given a choice. 

the fact that they leave it to a coin toss?? oh my god...how fucking FITTING!! like, that’s disorderly. that’s going your own way. it’s new, it’s terrifying, it has DIRE UNKNOWNS ON EITHER SIDE, but it’s what they do! and...it ends up working out! i think it would’ve worked out either way, but the fact that they left it up to chance really shows how they aren’t allowing anything to control their actions. 

AND THEN WE GET TO THE EPILOGUE. MY GOD I LOVE THE EPILOGUE I’M GONNA GO OFF SO MUCH. 

first off, i loved hearing how Nua adapts to losing this very significant form of government/economic contributor and turns to more people-based work. citizens uniting together, fixing things, making amends, THAT’S SELF-RELIANCE BABEY!!! THAT’S THE WHOLE EMERSON SHIT! HAVING A SYSTEM OF GOVERNMENT THAT ACTUALLY HAS THE INTERESTS OF THE PEOPLE AT LARGE!!! YEAHHHHHHHHH THAT’S THE WHOLE SELF-RELIANCE THING!

now, i’ll break it down by characters: 

fitzroy

GOD. LOVE IT. FIRST OFF, absolutely ADORED how his character arc involved him stripping himself of these self-assigned titles because he actually has an identity that is all his own and he doesn’t NEED arbitrary titles to prove his worth because HE HAS IT IN HIMSELF. not to self-plug or anything, but that’s ssoss!fitzroy’s WHOLE SHIT. I’VE ALREADY BEEN ON THIS TRAIN, BITCH, AND TO KNOW I GOT IT SO RIGHT...GOD. FEELS GOOD. 

but also, i just really enjoy how his ending went in general. the fact that he doesn’t really know what he wants to do, so he just...does stuff he likes to do? that’s so good! because, if you remember, fitzroy had a Very set schedule of life events when the campaign started. he was going to get his wiggenstaffs degree, go back knight school, get his knight school degree, and then go to goodcastle. but all of that was based on a very limited understanding of himself. 

fitzroy’s character arc has primarily focused finding himself, specifically in terms of identity. for someone who was bullied for his past, the present formation of himself was Extremely important to fitzroy. he thought that shutting out his past and taking on this grandiose title of knighthood would make him something more than himself. he would no longer be fitzroy; the poor, country kid trying to make it in a big world. he’d be Sir Fitzroy Maplecourt; respected, honored, revered, with a title to prove it. 

he explains to fauxronymous (pre-reveal grey) that the reason he wanted to be a knight was because he wanted to assist in doing good. morally good. fitzroy has Always had a very clear sense of his morality; this comes through when he refuses Chaos on the basis of many people having to die if he agreed. but being a knight also had the added of bonus of a very respectable title that no one would want to look beyond, which fitzroy felt he needed because...i don’t think he Saw anything beyond that. in himself. he wasn’t himself for a very long time, and i don’t know if he ever thought he would be again. he’d wear this new identity, start a new life, and be happier....he hoped. 

then, things changed! and he started to realize that arbitrary titles don’t do shit because plenty of people with Big Important Titles ended up being Awful People! so he started to value himself For Himself; his wit, his humor, his strength, his magical prowess. and, i think, he started to wonder what knighthood was Really about. was it about upholding a moral good? or was it just another bureaucracy filled with people who won’t do shit when things get bad. 

i think this is why him becoming a lawyer is fitting. especially because of the reasoning he gives sylvia nite. now for A LOT OF PEOPLE, i’m sure they hear lawyer and assume some corporate hotshot who doesn’t give a shit about people. but fitzroy is Not applying to be a corporate laywer. he SPECIFICALLY telsl sylvia that he wants to help people who cannot help themselves, and he wants to do good in that way. THAT kind of lawyer is more of the pro-bono, district lawyer. the ones that don’t make crazy amounts of cash, but help those who cannot afford lawyers and represent them when the government is fucking them over. those lawyers don’t rely on title, they rely on principle. 

that’s the perfect representation of fitzroy’s growth. holding his identity within himself, while still trying to do good by those who need it. 

firbolg (aka gary) 

i think the firbolg’s ending is so unique but so...right for him. his character arc has really been focused around finding his family. he had one, in the beginning, in his clan. but that didn’t end up, y’know...working out that much. so he had to go out into the world alone--something that firbolg’s are rarely--and try and navigate these foreign spaces all by himself. 

we see very early on how he latches onto the idea of groups. he likes being considered a part of the thundermen; he very much hoists himself upon the CFO title and wears it proudly. i think, where fitzroy needed to find identity within himself, the firbolg needed to find it within other people. which is completely okay! he’s still an individual, but you can tell he finds comfort in numbers because that’s what he is used to. 

him going back to his clan was, i believe, his finally severance with his identity as “firbolg”. he would never be welcomed back to his clan, and one of the few people in his life who supported him was now dead. but his father was proud of him; his father was happy he seemed to find his own clan, even if it wasn’t with other firbolgs. from that moment on, i think the firbolg begins to try finding himself within the thundermen. within his friends.

so his epilogue is neat! it definitely captures the loneliness he feels on his own, and how he feels lost with himself without others. i think it might seem silly to some that he would become a gary, but i think it’s fitting. the garys were always present in his time at school, and they were always helpful. they didn’t mind how long it took him to talk because the gary’s are stone gargoyles--what the fuck do they care about time? it was a group that the firbolg saw as familiar to him--always willing to help, slow, stony, and attuned to a larger group. 

and i think the way gary takes this idea of unity and family and puts it into financial assistance just...it just ties everything together! we saw how attached he got to the concept of finances, thanks to his very confusing accounting class. so he had all of this new knowledge--this knowledge that represented a separation from firbolgs--and this new clan. and he used it to help other clans and families!! i think the fact that the Garys financial advice works specifically with groups is what makes this so fitting. because gary wants families to feel stable within themselves; he understands how finances can create struggle and divides, and he wants to provide relief. 

giving financial advice to communities so they rely on themselves and not the government (aka inviting them to be controlled once more) is a VERY self-reliant concept. not that i think gary’s goal is to have no social networks to exist, but he wants to give communities the ability to rely on one another and foster that feeling of togetherness. so groups aren’t fighting over things, but are trusting and loving and relying. 

just like gary’s always wanted. and just like what he has with the thundermen.

argo 

argo’s ending is probably the funniest, but also the sweetest. i think that argo’s character arc revolved around finding his place. we see how argo’s early personality and motivations revolved around his past. he very much had a revenge story since the start; he wanted to enact revenge on the commodore for murdering his mother, no matter what it took. which made him very limited!! in terms of the self. he saw himself less for what he was now, and what he was then. and what he couldn’t do then. 

we see how much he finds comfort in being a part of the thundermen, but also how he feels...out of place. i think this is because a part of him is still attached to his past and doesn’t think he can do anything beyond his set plan. the unbroken chain certainly contributes to this, by not only separating him from the trio but also reinforcing his connection to his past through his mother’s involvement in the unbroken chain. 

the commodore also being a part of the unbroken chain is, i think, what causes the shift from past to present within argo. his life’s goal is standing right in front of him--attached to the group his mother once was a part of--with his friends at his side. letting the thundermen in on his history is the start of bridging these two halves of argo. and the fact that the thundermen are so willing to helps makes argo feel more a part of the team and more a part of this reality. 

when he kills the commodore, it isn’t intense. it isn’t overly dramatic (minus the fight prior, which was BADASS), it isn’t crazily staged. it is argo, staring down the commodore who lies prone on the ground. 

he kills himself unceremoniously and completes his life-long mission. 

what becomes of him in the epilogue is the culimination of both past and present. he takes what he knows and loves (the sea, the mariah, sailing) and blends it with what he’s come to love now (his friends, this adventure, and making people happy). there are SO many instances where argo uses performance to his advantage. this man is piloted by clint mcelroy, of COURSE he’s going to have a flair for the dramatic. 

so for him to open up a themed cruiseline, based on the stories of him and his friends? SO FITTING. and it isn’t forcing himself to leave his past behind or to completely ignore his present circumstances. because he’s found a place in the now, in the merging of these two sides. and by merging them, he paints a bright future for himself. a future that is partially known, partially not. partially old, partially new.

but it’s all his. 

after that, i think their final scene is just...sweet. a nice, jovial, joking send-off to a nice season. it proves these people have grown and will continue to grow, even when we no longer see their story. it does exactly what graduation does--shows you a struggle, a triumph, and a glimpse into the future. 

i’ll miss it so much, but there’s nothing more i could’ve asked of this ending. it was exactly what it needed to be; nothing more, nothing less. 

[canary3d-obsessed]

Restless Rewatch: The Untamed Episode 10 second part

(Masterpost) (Other Canary Meta)

Warning: Spoilers for All 50 Episodes!

Unclean Realm

Lan Wangji has a Louis Henry Sullivan moment on seeing the Nie family home, becoming enraptured by its overwrought monumental architecture after a lifetime of restrained good taste and single-story buildings.

He approaches the fortress with the expression of delighted wonder that he usually reserves for when he’s looking at the moon or at Wei Wuxian.

Wei Wuxian is like, yep that’s a building, all right, but he supports Lan Wangji’s kinks.  

Meng Yao tells them about the Wen Clan directive, and has what appears to be a moment of genuine, affectionate amusement at Nie Huaisang’s reaction.

Jiang Cheng kinda blames the Lans for inventing the whole “indoctrination” thing and for encouraging his brother’s disaster bi tendencies. Wei Wuxian responds by complimenting the Lan Clan, almost like someone who met his true love got some real value out of the instruction he received there.  

(more after the cut)

One of the great ironies of this story is that Wei Wuxian sort of becomes a rogue Lan disciple because of his relationship with Lan Wangji. He relies on Lan temperament techniques, uses music as a primary cultivation method, has committed all of the Lan rules to his supposedly terrible memory and cites them on multiple occasions, and is an important mentor for the younger generation Lan disciples. Because Hanguang-Jun is just that good in bed.

Xue Yang in the background of this conversation is channeling OP’s church-enduring, school-enduring inner 10-year-old.

Nie Mingjue, Chifeng-Zun, appears, and couldn’t be more different than his brother. On first watching this episode, I saw him as a grumpy, sexy, very emotional leather daddy man who is quick to anger. Rewatching, I see someone who’s struggling with a growing illness...the resentful energy kind.

Nie Mingjue’s handling of resentful energy is very different from Wei Wuxian’s straightforward interest and acceptance. NMJ has a traditional cultivator’s view of it, regarding it as evil and as something to resist, while he is literally carrying it on his back. He’s like a secret alcoholic who is preaching temperence, and can’t find a way to be reconciled with himself.  

At this point of the story, Nie Mingjue is keeping it together, but is under a hell of a lot of stress, and Baxia’s blood thirst is already maybe a problem.

The Yunmeng bros think that Nie Huaisang’s fear of his brother is hilarious, because they don’t understand the situation. They think he’s just living in a hideously toxic family dynamic like theirs, when actually he’s in a loving, sorta healthy, if parentless, family that is being crushed under a generational curse.

Compliments for the Yunmeng Bros

I’m not the first meta poster to notice how happy Jiang Cheng is to be praised by Nie Mingjue.

He never gets this at home. Jiang Yanli praises him, but in that watery “you tried your best” way that doesn’t really stick.  Nie Mingjue’s praise really means something, because he is a fearsome warrior and stern authority figure. And this is a double compliment, because Nie Mingjue says he heard it from Lan Xichen, and agrees with it.

Let’s Make Terrible Decisions

Keep Xue Yang alive, says Wei Wuxian, and Meng Yao immediately agrees, although I’m pretty sure he would have proposed that even if WWX hadn’t.

So they do, not realizing that “kill him later” is never a good plan for someone who 1. super needs killing 2. has a whole lot of death-dealing skills.

Future clan leader Jiang Cheng notices how smart and talented Meng Yao is.  Xue Yang finds it hilarious when the trio praises Meng Yao, possibly because their evil team up is already underway.

Boss’ Bed Warmer Son of a Ho

The constant insults toward Meng Yao are about his mom, but there’s another level of leering implication, that Meng Yao seems to encourage in his conversation with the soon-to-be-murdered guard captain.

Nie Mingjue elevated him way above his expectations, and he is ridiculously pretty, which has to create rumors. In the Nightless City scenes when he’s fondling Baxia and telling Nie Mingjue’s family secrets there’s definitely a sense of intimacy that’s not just “loyal retainer.”

I feel like maybe this whole exchange is a bit of theater designed to show Xue Yang something without showing it to anyone else. Meng Yao didn’t need to have this conversation in front of his prisoner.

Let’s Do Exactly What We Said We Wouldn’t

Once the younger quartet are alone with Nie Mingjue, Wei Wuxian crosses the room away from his friends and practically into Lan Wangji’s pocket, if Lan Wangji had pockets.

He has no pockets and also has no personal bubble any more, when it comes to Wei Wuxian.

We could make a weapon out of Yin Iron, Wei Wuxian says, completely forgetting his entire conversation with Lan Yi, apparently. Lan Wangji doesn’t argue with this idea.

Nie Mingjue warns Wei Wuxian not to try it.

I stabbed a man in Qinghe just to watch him die

Nie Mingjue is like the Johnny Cash of the cultivation world, carrying the weight of his poor choices and trying to steer the young folk to the path of righteousness. But--like Johnny Cash--his bad choices have made him really fucking cool, so he isn’t very good at deterring anybody.

Meng Yao Didn’t Come Here to Make Friends

Immediately after Meng Yao’s fellow Nie clan people call him “son of a whore” again, Wei Wuxian meets him, is nice to him, addresses him by his military title, bows to him, asks why he’s away from the party, and thanks him for his service.

But Meng Yao has already decided to make friends with Xue Yang, so Wei Wuxian goes onto his list of people that he doesn’t give a crap about except if they can be useful to him.  Then Meng Yao goes to make out hatch a plot with Xue Yang.

I’ll Sleep On Your Roof

Meeting SongXiao seems to have done away with the last of Lan Wangji’s resistance to his connection with Wei Wuxian.

He hears a noise on the roof and, when realizing it’s Wei Wuxian, he smiles one of his tiny reserved smiles before heading outside.

When he sees Wei Wuxian drunkenly sprawled on the roof, limbs akimbo, wine on his chin and neck, mouth full of poetry about the open road, Lan Wangji gives him the most fond look imaginable.

Then he reluctantly leaves, with his signature “say goodbye, but only when he can’t hear you” thing.

They’ve both come a really long way since their first meeting. Wei Wuxian is openly and vocally attaching himself to Lan Wangji...but is not actually entering his space or asking for anything from him; he just wants to be near him, and wants to let him know that. “I’ll sleep on your roof tonight.”

And Lan Wangji just...loves him. Wei Wuxian is drunk, embarrassing, demonstrative, eager to make a hell weapon out of yin iron, touchy feely, and absurdly sexy. And Lan Wangji is pretty okay with all of that.

I Might Have Been Drunk

Wei Wuxian carefully avoids telling Jiang Cheng where he was last night.

Even if he did get blackout drunk, he would have woken up on Lan Wangji’s roof. And I don’t think he was as drunk as that. He just knows Jiang Cheng wouldn’t like the truth.

Wen Fucking Chao, Again

Wen Chao shows up to be annoying and boring.  This leads to a pretty good fight between Nie Mingjue and Wen Zhuliu. Note that when the chips are down, Nie Huaisang stands with his Gege without any cowering. Almost as if he had hidden reserves of bravery, and is not as helpless as he lets on.

Wen Zhuliu isn’t styled to be super hot, although he’s certainly compelling, and in Dance of the Phoenix he looks good with sensitive-guy hair wispies. I wonder what actor Feng Mingjing looks like out of character?

BRB, adding a tag to my follow list

Battle Bros

When the fighting breaks out, the Yunmeng brothers are decisive and united, with Wei Wuxian giving orders to Jiang Cheng and JC following without hesitation.

I feel like if these two could have gone through a few big battles together, instead of being separated during most of the Sunshot campaign, their whole relationship would have improved. On the battlefield, they respect, trust, and understand each other.  

The Pointy End

Nie Mingjue is holding his own against Wen Zhuliu, but he gets distracted by Meng Yao hollering “Xue Yang has escaped” and then shanking the guard captain right in front of him.

Wen Zhuliu takes advantage of the distraction to aim a very slow stab at Nie Huasang, and Meng Yao jumps in front to get stabbed on his behalf.

When the Yunmeng bros show up to help NMJ, Wen Zhuliu immeiately yanks Wen Chao back behind him and points his sword at Wei Wuxian. He absolutely sees these two as a serious threat.  Considering that eventually WWX is going to kill Wen Chao while JC kills Wen Zhuliu, this concern is not misplaced.

Wei Wuxian tells Wen Chao to stop being such a jerk, and Wen Chao menaces Wei Wuxian and gloats about the burning of cloud recesses. The burning, that is, of some part of cloud recesses that doesn’t include the library, the Jingshi, the main cultivation chamber, the rabbit warren, or Lan Qiren’s house, unless the Lan Clan is really really good at rebuilding things to very exact specifications.

In a rare moment of seeing Meng Yao’s internal thoughts, he is worried about Lan Xichen when he hears about cloud recesses.

The Yelling Part

Now we have the particularly nasty breakup between Nie Mingjue and Meng Yao. It’s...got some layers. Meng Yao is cowering on the floor, but is not apologizing.

He never apologizes throughout this encounter.

孟瑤無悔  - Meng Yao (has) no regrets

This scene is amazing and excruciating to watch, even more when you know what’s ahead.

What the Fuck is Meng Yao’s Plan

On one level this is Meng Yao, manipulative sociopath, setting up a cover story for his aiding and alliance with Xue Yang.  On another, this is Meng Yao, loving subordinate, being tossed aside by his lord because he dared to stand up for himself.

He uses the same “scout’s honor” gesture we’ve seen Wei Wuxian use to swear he’s telling the truth. Wei Wuxian is always lying when he uses this gesture.

I’m...not sure exactly what Meng Yao’s plan is, with all these chess moves? By stabbing the captain in front of NHS, he created an opportunity to plant a cover story about Xue Yang’s escape. He might be hoping that Nie Mingjue will forgive him and keep him on, while Xue Yang can stay in his back pocket to be used later.

Dry eyes? Try Visene

Or he might be intending to get kicked out, given his non-apology. In any case, Nie Mingjue is weeping during this encounter, and Meng Yao...isn’t. He is signaling distress in his voice, expression, and body language, but his eyes are dry up until the last moment, and even then they just glisten a bit. In a show where every actor is an expert at crying on cue, that’s got to be a deliberate choice.

Which isn’t to say that Meng Yao is faking being full of emotion in this scene. It’s just that the emotion isn’t necessarily sorrow.

What Does Nie Mingjue’s Head Think

Flip the view and this is about Nie Mingjue being betrayed by a subordinate, who has turned out to be a self-serving murderer. And on another level it’s Nie Mingjue being betrayed by his lover, who was just using him for advancement.

I rewatched the later episode where we get the scene as Nie Mingjue’s head perceived it, and he’s particularly brokenhearted and disillusioned from his head’s POV.  In that version there is a telling addition to the conversation.

Nie Mingjue asks about the guys who were roasting Meng Yao behind his back. He asks, if I hadn’t come, would you have murdered all of them?

Um. No, dude. Of course fucking not. That’s what a patriarchal authority does. That’s the way an angry Nie Mingjue/Baxia team might solve a problem.

Meng Yao has to use subterfuge to kill his enemies. And while he super hates being called “son of a whore” it’s absolutely not enough to make him kill someone, with the risk murder brings. Likewise, being treated well isn’t enough to make him spare someone. Nie Mingjue totally doesn’t get this, because he’s been the patriarch of this clan his entire adult life.

And Here’s the Actual Problem

There is a betrayal here, but Nie Mingjue is not simply a victim.  Whether it’s a sexual relationship or a non-sexual bond of affection, there can be nothing solid in Nie Mingjue and Meng Yao’s relationship within a feudal society, because it is fundamentally unequal. Even if they love each other deeply - which I’m not convinced either of them does - every encounter they have is tainted with power dynamics.

Meng Yao has been elevated by Nie Mingjue and quite probably taken into his bed, as well as being told many family secrets, but has not been given a new surname (like, for example, Wen Zhuliu was) or independent power. More importantly, Nie Mingjue has not used his authority to remove or punish the many people who disrespect his subordinate.  Lan Qiren would have had all of those gossipy fuckers kneeling in the snow, and Wen Ruohan would feed them to his mosh pit zombies.

Meng Yao is a murderous little snake, but he is right to be angry with Nie Mingjue about some things, and his pursuit of his own agenda is understandable.

Well, That Was a Slice

Meng Yao leaves, hurt, with a dignified bow; just as he did that one time when his dad kicked him down the Carp Tower steps.

Take note, both patriarchal authorities: that is his way of saying “I’m going to murder you one day.”

Nie Mingjue sits with his broken heart, as we realize that we’ve only spent 20 minutes with this guy and we’ve gone on an entire emotional journey with him. This episode packed in a LOT.

Soundtrack: Johnny Cash, Folsom Prison Blues

[himboarcher]

reasons i've seen folks say that grad critics hate grad:

they hate travis (in fairness, i’ve def seen some comments of people shitting on trav for the sake of shitting on trav, but it’s not super common and typically gets downvoted into oblivion on reddit.)

it's not balance / travis isn't griffin (???????)

they hate neurodivergent people (again, in fairness, i have seen a handful of comments that could come across this way! but most of the time when travis being ADHD or his NPD is brought up, it's by defenders saying that criticizing travis is ableist because he's neurodivergent or, in one particular comment, infantilizing him bc of it and literally comparing grad to putting a kid's artwork on the fridge. there were some comments early on that pointed to him being a narcissist as the reason for things people disliked about grad, but everyone seems to have realized that that's a shitty train of thought and left it behind.)

they're just toxic haters (again, there are a small handful of people like this because this is the internet, but the genuine criticism greatly outweighs their bullshit. i 100% think that the people, which is mostly just one dude who is also insufferable on reddit, who have been responding rudely to positive tweets under the episode announcements lately are out of line and need to stop. there's been an influx of that lately, presumably because people are frustrated that after over a year of grad going on, there's been no improvement to most of the major issues. that's still no excuse to be a dick to folks, though.)

vs some of the actual reasons i don't like grad:

the racism / racist tropes, and the way that they’ve straight up ignored this criticism and will likely never acknowledge it. pretty wild considering a core tenet of their brand is their willingness to acknowledge when they’ve messed up and do their best to course correct.

clumsy attempts at inclusion that are shallow and often end up being fairly offensive ("...ask me about my wheelchair," anyone?)

on a related note: i don't think that travis had bad intentions, but as an nonbinary person, it feels othering to me that travis only has enby characters give others their pronouns unprompted. i'm thinking specifically of kai here. having listened to their introduction, i don't think it's as bad or awkward as some people have said, but i can't remember travis ever having another NPC tell the PCs their pronouns, especially not a cis character. it's not a huge deal, but it's something that rubbed me the wrong way. admittedly, i don't think it would bother me so much if travis hadn't dropped the ball so much with performative inclusion in the past.

okay i'm putting the rest under a read more because even without getting into all of the problems i have with it, this got Long.

little to no player agency. player choices are ultimately meaningless and have little to no effect on the world. even when he seems to go along with a plan they come up with, it always ends with them having to go back to travis' pre-written script (see: subpoenaing the xorn, but not really because they had to go with travis' original plan of "send the xorn home through the rift".) the players repeatedly get told things about what they think or feel or what they've been doing to an unnecessary degree. fitzroy is the only one who really gets space to play and decide things for himself, and that's only because travis has decided he's the main character.

the NPCs are all too nice and willing to give the PCs anything they ask for and more, unless the PCs are trying to follow their own plan and then the NPCs are completely useless. but honestly, aside from gray, all of the NPCs are just.... nice. travis refuses to even let his antagonists be mean or cruel or even more than just slightly rude, because that'd be a bummer and we don't want that! the "twist" of gordy the lich king actually being polite and chill is not a twist at all because everyone is like that in this world. the NPCs are also wildly overpowered, but then suddenly absolutely useless when the PCs actually want their help.

too many cliffhangers that are dropped immediately at the beginning of the next episode. i feel bad for travis because so many of these cliffhangers actually set up good momentum and seemed like things were gonna get interesting, but almost every single time he just dropped them at the beginning of the next episode. like when althea showed up to interview the boys and the next episode started with travis being like "actually you went to sleep, she said she'll be back tomorrow!"

that time travis specifically said in his exposition dump that the thundermen left their horses behind because they thought the centaurs might be offended by them riding horses, only to later on rag on them for being surprised that the centaurs had horses they could ride.....

also the centaur arc in general, but i already listed racism above, so.

the way that the toxic positivity and parasocial tendencies in the mcelroy fandoms have made a large portion of the fandom take ANY criticism as a personal attack on travis and/or on themselves for enjoying something others consider bad, either morally or just quality-wise. it’s okay to admit that something you like has problematic elements or just isn’t as good as it once was. you can and should engage critically with the media you consume.

related to above: the way travis has handled genuine criticism, which is to throw public tantrums on his twitter or make weird passive aggressive tweets & ultimately ignore all the genuine criticism and advice he's been offered by claiming it's all subjective, even after he specifically asked for it and set up an email for folks to send in genuine, objective advice for him (after he threw a tantrum on twitter and replied to someone's criticism publicly, which resulted in his followers dogpiling on that person bc how dare they insult their internet best friend). while i was writing this last night, he actually announced that he’s taking a break from Twitter and acknowledged that he’s been using it as an echo chamber where he can easily get validation from folks, and honestly i’m happy for him that he’s recognized this problem and is stepping away for a while! i hope he’ll genuinely use this time to reflect on how he’s been behaving and find a more healthy way to use social media. i’m leaving this point in because i think his Twitter being such a positive echo chamber was encouraging him to do stuff like this, and him somewhat acknowledging his behavior doesn’t mean it can no longer be discussed.

rainer. extremely cool concept in theory and i was very into it until that awkward "does anyone want to ask about my wheelchair?" moment. also when travis had her use her mobility aid to RAM INTO A DOOR instead of just fucking knocking???? also all the times travis has tried to force a romantic relationship between her and fitzroy, despite fitzroy displaying no interest in her in that way. also, just to clarify: as an ace person, i don’t think this is aphobic! (and it’s kind of a stretch to call it that imo, especially since griffin never explicitly said that fitzroy's aromantic!) i just think it’s weird and awkward and a little uncomfortable for me personally, mostly because it reminds me of the times i’ve been in similar situations.

less of a problem than a lot of the other stuff and more just bad writing, but the forced emotional moments. in general, nothing in grad feels earned (why are the boys heading a war? when they have multiple actual heroes with combat experience on their side and a supposedly powerful secret organization? and the thundermen are like 21 years old max and have only had like ~10 fights in the entire campaign?) but there've been a couple times where travis has tried to force unearned emotional moments, presumably because he knows people enjoyed those with the last campaigns. but the difference is that in balance, the big emotional moments happened because they were earned. in grad, it's just travis throwing a baby pegasus at us for a few minutes and then the next time she shows up, it's supposed to be a tearful goodbye.

there are absolutely no stakes. remember when the thundermen got told that if they left, gray would kill 10 students? and then they left and came back and it turns out that what gray actually meant was, "i'll tie ten students who are mostly nameless NPCs to a tree and throw some dogs at them that you can easily stop in time, then throw a tantrum because how dare you but i'll leave before you can really do anything to hurt me lol" travis did have fitzroy's magic get taken away, but like. it didn't really do anything? also all he had to get it back was be coerced into using drugs by an authority figure and trip in the woods?

we're told that the school is weird and the hero system is corrupt, but the world of nua is still presented as more of a liberal utopia than anything? althea getting fired because of a corrupt villain is the only time we've somewhat seen corruption, but even then, she was still allowed to get (what seems to me, anyway, but admittedly i don't know for sure bc nothing about the HOG makes much sense) a fairly important job from the very people who stripped her of her hero license or whatever the fuck heroes need?

travis doesn't actually seem to understand how capitalism or bureaucracy works and just chalks up everything to "red tape." also more on the rest of the boys than him specifically, but the "let's destroy capitalism!" thing turning into just pushing some filing cabinets over................... okay.

and one last piece of extremely subjective criticism: it's just kind of.... boring. i think a lot of people, myself included, would be willing to overlook 90% of the problems with graduation if it didn't feel like such a slog to get through.

also people saying that we can't or shouldn't criticize graduation because it's "free" is absolutely absurd for several reasons. first, something being free does not make it above criticism. second, there ARE people who directly financially support the show with monthly donations. three, there's a difference between something being free and something being not for profit. podcasting is their full time job. they make their living off of money made from TAZ and MBMBAM (and probably their other shows to a lesser extent). this not a fun home game that they are graciously recording and sharing with us. it is a product they are producing that they make money off of, both from ads in the episodes and merch & books based off of these podcasts. they have marketed themselves as professionals, and both griffin and travis have been on panels where they are marketed as professional DMs and appear alongside other professional DMs (which makes it incredibly frustrating when people say that travis is just a newbie DM and we can't criticize him because of that. if he's a newbie, then he should not be taking part of panels as a professional DM where he speaks as an expert). TAZ is free in the same way that an episode of NCIS is free. i may not pay for it directly, but the creators are paid to create it and profit off of me consuming this product. so saying we should be grateful for any mcelnoise that the benevolent good boys share with us and that we're not allowed to criticize it "because it's free" is absolutely wild.

[dwimpala-67]

Whatever Happens....

My two cents on the whole Prequel-Gate ...

Warning: The opinions expressed are purely personal and have no bearing on any person and if they do it’s merely coincidental and are without intention. If you choose to read this, it’s solely at your own risk and the writer is not responsible for any consequences thereof.

Jared and Jensen have been at the heart of Supernatural for past fifteen years. J2 - along with the show have been the source of joy for everyone in the fandom.  We’ve seen them grow up, seen their friendship evolve and seen the way they interact with each other. We fell in love with them, with the beautiful friendship they share, and their compassion and empathy and strength and understanding. These two beautiful individuals weaved their way into our hearts. Somehow, they’ve become a part of our lives. And we trusted them, like we do with any individual that is close to us in real life.

The end of Supernatural was bitter sweet for many of us, especially the J2 shippers. We could see our beloved show being ruined and we all thoughts perhaps, it was time to end it but secretly still wanted a miracle to happen and the story line to be back to its true canonical nature without the OOC story line that was being fed to us. Then came the announcement that Supernatural would end with season 15. Even if we knew the it was inevitable, it was still a shock. We have a saying back in my culture: “Whatever has a beginning, has to have an ultimate end.” And true to that, it was time for Supernatural to end. It doesn’t mean we had to be happy about it. After all, this was the show that meant a lot, personally to many of us.  To see it coming to an end was painful, shocking, even heartbreaking. But we accepted it eventually because life must go on.

With end of the show, we had to accept another reality. To watch our lovely pair - Jared and Jensen- go their separate ways. For 15 years, there never has been a moment where J2 weren’t in each other’s pockets. We saw them refusing to acknowledge personal space, saw them making heart eyes at each other, saw them going on dinner and lunch dates, saw them living together, getting married the same year, saw them grow their family together, saw them living in Austin together, saw them doing campaigns together, saw them golfing together, saw them being there for each other, making each other smile, saw them having each other’s back. We practically saw their love blossoming - for some it was a unique friendship and for some it was more than that. I don’t mean to point anyone out here, but the bottom line is that everyone of the J2 fans saw an ideal relationship between two people we loved the most. We choose to believe in what we saw.  And for us to suddenly see them being away form each other was hard to digest. It still is!

But we chose to believe everything was good, because we believed what our eyes saw. The way Jared and Jensen talked about each other in interviews even after the finale, the way they spoke at the virtual conventions, the way they interacted on social media and even the few instances of fans seeing Jared in Colorado exactly the time it was Jensen’s birthday, the way Jared knew about Jensen’s Soldier Boy suit before anyone else, and I could mention countless such instances that made us believe that the relationship these two idiots share was special and perfect. The kinda thing that can be called “made for each other.”

One fine day, we came to know not everything was as we believed it to be. It turned out Jensen did something by not telling Jared anything about it when the latter has been an integral part of the original concept. Everyone was beyond shocked. Each one of us felt betrayed, angered, pained at the way our beloved pair had a public fallout. Some chose to take sides and some decided to leave the fandom while others decided to be angry and disappointed in Jensen. There was despair all around and no one knew what was going on behind the closed doors. The only thing we knew was Jared was hurt and Jensen was the reason behind it.

I won’t go into the what, why and how of the whole fiasco, because by now, everyone has their own theories as answers to these questions. I have mine too. I see these theories as some sort of “justification” from our side to make sense of the situation. It’s not wrong because we’re searching for answers. We’re also searching for answers we will never get. (Unless either of the J’s decide to speak on it.) But there are a few questions that I feel are important to be addressed.

Do we have the right to feel angry and hurt over the issue? Absolutely Yes.

Do we have the right to take sides? Of course.

Are our feelings of hurt and pain that we resonated with Jared valid? Hell yes.

Everyone has a coping mechanism and the initial emotions or reactions were absolutely valid. However, it’s what happened later that has me thinking.

1. Do we have the right to know what happened behind the scenes? Probably but we would never. There lies the uncertain feeling of “how should I proceed from here?” and “How do I feel about it?”

2. Do we have the right to demand an explanation or an apology from Jensen? Absolutely no.

3. Do we have the right to throw vile words at/abuse the people involved? Hell no.

I would like to look at the whole thing in perspective. This has affected many of us and perhaps woken us up with a hard slap of reality.

For all of the 15 years, we’ve been fed with the “happy couple” image and for us, maybe the boys became the image of the “perfect couple with no issues” and when there was a very public spat between the two, there was a serious damage to our perception. This is where people didn’t know how to react. Many spoke out their emotions clearly, many were sad, confused and scared and many decided to be bitter. Few decided to leave I have no problem with it, I don’t judge, as I said earlier everyone has their own coping mechanism.

I feel like the issue is, as fans we are here to celebrate and have fun and not become entitled to know the truth or demand answers from the celebrities. Sometimes we forget entitlement is a delusion based on self centeredness. The demand to know what happened or the demand for Jensen to apologize in a particular manner cannot be the way we deal with the situation.

We need to consider the fact that the people we idealize, in this case J2, are also that - “people” or “Humans” to be more precise. Humans make mistakes. Just like we do in our everyday life. the problem with celebrities is, anything they do feels like “more than life” size. Even a small compliment makes us go “aww” and a disagreement/misunderstanding makes us go “Omg! They’re enemies.” It’s normal reaction because we hold them in the highest regard like “celebs/fan favs can do no wrong.” So, when this happened with J2 everyone had a reaction like this was the end or it has ruined it for me, or I’m done with this fandom. There were also a few reactions like anger and entitled demands. I always say false sense of entitlement always brings you doom rather than happiness.

The fact remains, Jensen disappointed all of us. A huge blow was dealt to the “happy couple” image and we all were left floundering. I was observing the reactions and I suddenly realized I’m far too much invested into the lives of two actors whose lives are already complicated. I mean, after the entire chaos, I too felt sad, angry and disappointed. It was upsetting me more that it should. Fandom is a space where I come to escape from real life. But if Fandom starts affecting my real life so bad as to make me upset, I felt like there’s something wrong. It shouldn’t be the reverse of what I would rather have the fandom to be, which is a happy place or the place where I go too relive my stress. And if the apparent relationship status of two actors affects me this much, it’s time to take a step back, evaluate and then proceed.

the other day, I was reading a twitter thread full of theories and according to the fans who was right and who was wrong and etc, etc, etc. I found, it shouldn’t matter to me to judge who was right and who was wrong. I’m in no position to judge who felt what, because in no way am I the party involved in the conflict. It’s a conflict between J2, who had some issues obviously and they manages to talk about it and even let us know that they are good. Now, I personally, felt like if the J’s claim they’re alright, then why should I doubt or even theorize about how their friendship has taken a toll. If someone tells me they’re fine, I usually believe them to be fine, unless I see something contrary to the fact. In this case, either of the J’s didn’t comment further on the matter and just as I was watching everyone calm down, other elements decided to jump into the muddy waters and splatter it everywhere.

The interesting thing about Kripke’s tweet was “assumption.” This word “assumption” is a very interesting word and has the capacity to blow up even the most calming waters. So, Kripke assumed, and then based on Kripke’s assumption, everyone else assumed. I’m just pointing out what happened, in no way am I justifying any of the J’s behavior. Just a thought. So assuming Kripke was right we assumed Jensen deliberately kept Jared out of the project and the issue escalated even more. Everyone was jumping the gun and then as miraculously Kripke has tweeted, he also deleted those tweets. Then came the damage control.

When Jensen and Jared had tweeted about the “truce” I thought the matter was supposed to be put to rest. Perhaps Kripke deleting the tweets and then Jensen going back to promoting his prequel was their way of brushing off the conflict and focusing more on what was more important to them: The Winchesters prequel. Another theory to add to the already existing million ones..lol.

Does this mean we should be hateful and abusive towards Jensen? No.

Our feelings of disappointment are valid but it doesn’t mean I have aright to be abusive at Jensen. No matter how he acted nothing gives me the right to throw abuse at anyone unless I’m the one who’s directly involved in the conflict. They way I see it, as a fan, I was hurt and caught off guard but I am in no position to judge either Jensen or Jared, especially when they say they’re alright. I decide to trust them. I choose to trust them, just I chose to decide they were the made for each other friends in the past.

There’s this another saying that I remember “To Err is human, to forgive is Divine.” It’s not as if either of the J’s have been flawless as a person. Everyone has some shortcomings and so do they. As a fan, I need to find the same level of “acceptance” that I do when I’m in the similar situation in real life. As a fan I need to accept that Jared and Jensen too are going to have some issues going ahead in life. Just because they are actors doesn’t mean there won’t be miscommunication or misunderstanding. They’re not perfect. They are bound to make mistakes. Just think that because this was a very public fallout, we came to know about the disagreement, try to think that in past 15 years how many times did the J’s had these disagreements and had to deal with them without telling us? No matter how huge fan you are, no one can ever claim that they now what goes behind the scenes in the celeb’s lives and same goes with J2.

We know what kinda place Hollywood is, and the J2 tinhats already have theories about bearding and stuff, and yet the J’s have remained positive throughout. There must have been contracts and papers and the “powers that be” who are involved in regulating their lives. It’s one of the many countless possibilities. We don’t know many things about their lives (even we’d like to claim otherwise). The information we get is just a 0.01% of what actually is happening. All we do is “assume” on the basis of their SM interaction or the way J2 appear in public. It’s all imagery.

They’ve been a source for inspiration for many. So, a public fallout doesn’t mean we should overlook the past. But we choose to look at it in a way that is suitable to us. Again, there’s nothing wrong with that. If some of us feel like siding with Jared, it’s all good and if some of us feel like siding with Jensen, it’s all good. It’s their personal opinion and no one has the right to judge them or call them out for that.

For me, I’ve come to a conclusion that the secured bubble that I was living in has finally burst and given me a chance to look at things objectively. No matter what happens in future, I’m here to stay as long as I enjoy the fandom. If I let it affect me more than is plausible, perhaps then it’s time for me to rethink about the power I give the Fandom over me. Because it’s my choice. I alone have the choice to either let the negativity affect me or see the positive side. There’s a saying that goes, “You yourself alone are your own enemy and your true friend. The choice is yours.”

If J2 claim to be alright with each other, then I choose to believe them. Reason is simple. Because it helps me find some peace. It helps me cool down my emotions and helps me go back to enjoying the little things in fandom that bring me happiness.

 Don’t get upset with people and solutions because both are powerless without your reactions.

Let the drama continue....

After this, if you fell like unfollowing me, the door is always open.

In the end, whatever happens, happens for good. If it’s meant to be, then I’ll be the happiest and if it’s not, well, it’s beyond my control.

I love them both.

Peace and Love.

- A J2 fan.

[the-mandalorian-clone-lover]

Warm familiarity

So, someday I’ll name this series? 

More platonic Obi-Wan x Padawan!Reader, guess who is absolutely in love with the idea of cuddle piles?? *points to self with a big foam finger*

Codywan is probably a little less than a squint away, you being adorable, Obi-Wan being a Dad™ and Cody being a Fun Dad™, Reader is 14 here!!

@demigod-dragonrider-schoolidol Thank you for being a soundboard for ideas and listening to my screeching, love youuuuuuuuuuuu

Masterlist

Given that it’s the fifth time he’s tried to sleep since he got back and all five have failed, Obi-Wan feels like its safe to reach out to Cody. The likelihood that the Commander is also awake doing paperwork is extremely high and if neither one of them can sleep they might as well be productive together.

Reaching out with the force he ends up finding the soft light that is his Commander, in the gym of all places. Which, he will concede, is a wonderful idea. He hasn’t sparred with anyone in quite some time and Cody would be a more than suitable partner. Nodding to himself he rises, grabs a robe and departs, no need for his boots, he’ll end up discarding them anyway.

When he arrives however, the door opens to total darkness, he barely has time to register it before being hit with such a strong wave of the force it nearly knocks him clean over.

Warmth.

Gentleness.

Complete Serenity.

Home.

Blinking he steps in, allowing the door to close behind him, and tilts his head as his eyes adjust.

Bodies. There are bodies everywhere. Laid out on mattresses that had to have been drug from the barracks, equipment pushed to the walls and barely any floor space to be seen. He continues his examination a moment longer before finally realizing, they’re sleeping.

The troops are sleeping.

And his Commander, his loyal second in command, is right in the middle of it all.

Slightly unsure how to proceed he nearly ducks out of the room before hearing the voice of the one he came in search for.

“Kenobi?”

It’s a whisper, but since it’s ‘Kenobi’ and not ‘General’ (and he’d know that voice from all the others anywhere) Obi-Wan turns back.

He raises his eyebrows in question before realizing its very likely Cody can’t see him. “I didn’t mean to intrude.” Comes his whisper, this feels like a very sacred moment in time, in the force and outside of it, he wouldn’t dream of ruining that for his men.

“I can’t hardly hear you, it’ll be easier if you’re closer Obi-Wan, I can’t move or the Commander’ll wake up.”

It’s a little louder than before but Obi-Wan perks his ears. His Padawan was here too? Did that explain the beautiful feeling of comfort that was the force was steeped in?

“I can’t—”

“Use the aisle”

Aisle? Oh. Now that he looks a little closer there does seem to be small pathways between sections, most likely to make leaving easier for those on night shift, though with how entangled everyone is, Obi-Wan isn’t sure anyone could leave (He’s barely left the doorway and he certainly doesn’t want to, this feels comfortable, content, like coming home).

Tiptoeing along he makes his way to where (he thinks) his Commanders are. He happens to guess correctly, finding you wrapped around Cody’s torso, face pressed into his chest, Waxer’s back pressed into yours and boil next to him, there’s a trooper he isn’t familiar with that’s laying between Cody’s legs, with an arm extended to catch your calf—that will certainly need addressing.

“Something up on the bridge?” Cody breathes in a whisper, he’s picked up his head to look at Obi-Wan and in the closeness (despite the darkness) Obi-Wan can see the depths of his brown eyes, the lack of frown lines on his forehead, and the blissed out smile that’s settled on his face. What he wouldn’t give to keep Cody—all the troopers, always like this.

So he shakes his head. “No, I was—” What had he been doing anyway? Looking for Cody yes, but he can’t say that because Cody will feel obligated to move.

“Sir, with all due respect, shut up or I’ll sit on you.”

Both Cody and Obi-Wan turn slowly towards the voice to find Boil has raised his own head and is glaring at the Commander. Voice still thick with sleep and eyes only half open he grouses “Waxer’s a mess if he doesn’t sleep and since I’m the one that has to be on duty with him, hush.” Belatedly his eyes turn to Obi-Wan. “All due respect General.”

With that he flops back down, pulling Waxer closer and humming a little, already asleep again.

“I’ll just—”

“Obi-Wan. Lay down.”

Half turned away Obi-Wan’s eyes go back to Cody’s. The only place open is—Well. Sort of, compromising for the Commander.

“I wouldn’t want to—”

Cody’s raised eyebrow (normally reserved for errant shinies) hikes itself up his forehead and Obi-Wan’s nose twitches. Apparently he’s the one being a stick in the mud (as the Padawans say these days).

“Alright” Comes his voice, much smaller than he gave permission for it to be, and he discards his robe in favor of putting it over the two of you. Cody adjust slightly as Obi-Wan settles, pulling you nearly atop him in order to raise an arm around Obi-Wan.

Obi becomes suddenly aware of the broad chest of his commander and the fact that unlike the others (that are totally encase in their blacks) he is wearing a tank top. Force help him.

“Read an article from Gree that it’s best for young humans to have skin-to-skin contact, its been good for the troopers too.” Comes Cody’s low whisper, his head turned to Obi-Wan to keep the noise down.

“You do this often” Obi-Wan realizes, and he doesn’t sound strangled as he feels the warmth of the arm that is now around him, or the chest that he is now very close to. He doesn’t.

“Usually every Taungsday but the Commander opened up Primeday since this campaign started.  She says it’s good for us.”

They’re interrupted by the door sliding open again, two troopers entering and making their way around the room. Also in blacks, they rouse two others, trading places, and the new set leaves together. Obi-Wan looks to Cody questioningly and he closes his eyes, nodding.

“We go around the clock, trading in and out so everyone has time here.”

Obi-Wan is floored. How hadn’t he known about this? Clearly you had snuck out to do it, you’d been securely in your quarters every night when he checked before going to his own, why hadn’t you told him?

“Go to sleep Obi” Comes Cody’s sleep slurred voice, “I’m almost in the field, she can take you too.”

“Field?” Obi-Wan asks hurriedly but its too late, Cody’s already snoring.

Now intrigued he closes his own eyes, he does feel much more tired he suddenly realizes, like he could actually sleep.

Barely a beat passes before he finds out what field Cody meant.

It’s Naboo. Nearly two years ago now, after the war had kicked off. He doesn’t remember why he’d been there, (probably looking for Anakin) but you’d wandered off during a meeting, gone missing for hours, and then been found just outside the city in a field of wild flowers; napping and talking to nerfs and loth cats. He remembers the trip with a certain amount of anxiety because you’d been young, and from one minute to the next missing. It wasn’t uncommon for young Padawans to be targeted by those less than morally upstanding, he’d feared the worst for several hours. You’d been lectured by Captain Typho for quite awhile before he managed to get there himself so he’d tried not to scold you, it did lead to the two of you further strengthen the bond you shared as Master and Padawan but he’d never realized what had happened in the time you’d been missing.

Sunshine, warm with a soothing breeze, the purring of a loth cat nearby, the stirring of the grass and the sound of the nearby stream. The ground firm beneath him but cushioned by the soft grass, the comforting weight of Cody’s arm around him.

Each new thing his brain becomes aware of encloses his senses in tranquility, coziness and reassurance. He doesn’t blame you for leaving now, or for being sorry you were caught.

He wakes what must be hours later, unwillingly and quite slowly but he does, and realizes there are several others coming to consciousness as well. Somehow during the night Cody has moved to face him, both of them clinging to each other, and Cody stares at him for a moment before breathing a quiet greeting. The lights are still off but Cody can see the chrometer on the far wall that lets him know they should be on the bridge soon.

“Where’s my Padawan.”

Cody’s eyes fall back to Obi-Wan, then further down to his own arms where you had been at one point, he begins to roll over with a grunt of question, arms loosing on Obi-Wan (who is rising to look over his own shoulder before turning back toward Cody—

You’re wrapped up with that unfamiliar trooper.

“Wooley’s got her Kenobi, she’s fine.”

“Fine?” Comes Obi-Wans harsh whisper, “Fine??”

Cody raises his eyebrow again. “You know we’ve been doing this for months right?”

Obi-Wan sputters.

[valkyrieofsmut]

How would the boys of reacted if mc had a kid already but the dad skipped out so she’s now trying to take care of them with their current situation?

It took a while to think about this and come up with an answer for everyone, but I think I’ve got it. Current, I’m taking as RIGHT NOW in the story. But there’s also a future (more relationship-y) answer I’ll try to give. 

Classic- Oh, hey, a kid. He’s just accepted the kid into the plans with everything else. Give head ruffles and jokes, is the basic hilarious prankster uncle that is always the favorite of the kids. MC’s kid gravitates to him, and after getting to know him and checking him out, MC is fine with this, as long as he’s not doing crazy, dangerous stuff, or things that could hurt her kid. 

When things start to get Serious™, Classic starts to think of the kid as his own, probably without even realizing it at first. He’ll just wake up one day and stretch, getting ready for work, wondering why it feels weird that the kid isn’t running around like he’s trying to break the sound barrier, like his brother used to when he was getting his coffee in the morning… When he realizes that he’s totally fallen for MC, it makes so much sense! Of course he’d think of the kid as his; that’s what happens when you have a mate; you have kids with them! And, additionally, if that worthless deadbeat ever tries to come around looking for his kid, claiming some sort of “parental rights” that ass is going to get a lesson in family. Because it doesn’t matter where the sperm for the kid came from, which he’ll gladly remove the source of, if he ever comes back, but who loves and cares for them, nurturing them as they grow. 

Creampuff- A child, oh, yes, those happen! Wait… where is the other parent? He what?! Well… excuse him for a moment… there are some shrubbery that need… yelling at- yes, it helps them grow! And when he gets back, you have now unlocked mother hen Creampuff, and if she didn’t get constant pictures and updates of what they were up to, MC might worry that her kid had been kidnapped… 

Creampuff may not be interested in the making of kids, the physical way, anyway, but this kid is his, now, and he’s ready to be a parent! He’s not sure how he feels about a romantic relationship, though… maybe he and MC can just work it out like a split custody situation, like he’s seen at work! Except they won’t have to go to the police station to exchange the kid. What wonderful parents the two of them are, already!

Red- heh… a kid… Wow… Red knows how to be a dad, and even has some confidence at what to do, but… the other stuff… makes him kinda nervous. What do you say to a kid whose mom you want to bang until the sun explodes? Ha- definitely not that. It takes some time, but after he gets used to the kid and relaxes a little, he’s already acting like a parent, like he did for Edge. He’s used to it being dangerous, so he’s going to make sure the kid is ok. And teach them all sorts of cool stuff. If you start them young enough, they’ll have insanely high levels of comprehension as they get older! MC better be ready for her kid to be learning advanced mechanics- as in, you know those hoverboards? Not the stupid ones that have wheels and catch fire- the ones that actually hover, like that one movie! Yep… that’s going to probably be the goal for her kid’s senior year science fair project… better get started on it now...

When stuff gets serious, Red isn’t going to be able to keep his hands to himself- honestly, sweetheart, we gotta get on makin’ that kid a sibling. been too long wit’out one a’ready… though i know ya were jus’ waitin’ on me ta cum along- heh heh! Red’s “dad mode” is activated, and well… if anything, that… actually might just make MC see things Red’s way about needing a sibling for her kid… He’s just so… parental… it stirs something primal that looks for the ideal mate… Yeah… she’s not going to stand a chance. 

Edge- Ugh- another one?! A small one?! SIGH! Well, he may act like a hardass, but, he values childhood, and remembers how rough his was, despite Red trying to make sure he got the best of one he could afford without letting him be in danger. So he may act like he’s irritated and annoyed with MC’s kid, but he’s actually very flattered if they follow him around, and he may do things particularly slowly and demonstratively so they can learn by watching. He may also leave candies or treats for them… And, when the kid shows to have learned something from him- of course he’s going to act offended at the thought that he actually meant to help them! But the pride and affection he’s radiating is poorly hidden. He also won’t let anyone touch them, though it’ll be “JUST BECAUSE YOU��RE TOO WEAK TO ATTACK ME DOES NOT MEAN YOU CAN ATTACK A CHILD!”

When things get serious, he will finally officially take the kid under his wing and- holy shit, had she thought that he was secretly training her kid before?! Now Edge is always talking, teaching how to do something, showing new things, and standing at her side as he urges their kid to show off what he taught them. He is full of pride, chest puffed out to the max. If anyone implies that his child doesn’t meet any standards- he’s going to have to “have a talk” with them- a terrifying talk, where that person might just have to change their clothes after, because- how does someone get so scared that they get waste matter on their shirt? Who knows, Edge certainly doesn’t. He’s never seen that happen before… twice, from the same person, anyhow. 

Blue- He’s not phased by the fact that she has a kid. She’s amazing, who wouldn’t want to mate her?! Wait… her kid’s other parent did what?! It’s alright- neither of them has to worry about anything, now, not while he’s there! He’s already taken to playing with the kid, loving that they’re as energetic as he is, loves driving with them on his bike- yes, he’ll make them wear a helmet, and sit in front of him if they can’t hold on tight enough, but they still get to feel the amazing freedom. 

When things finally get serious, he really doesn’t change, except that he says “GO ASK YOUR MOM” less and takes on more parental responsibilities. He is their parent now- oh stars, he’s their parent, now! He talks to Stretch a lot; he knows how to be an amazing datemate, and mate, but a parent?! Stretch assures him that he hasn’t messed up the kid enough for it to be noticeable yet, so that’s a good sign. Blue gets irritated and spends a lot of time asking MC if she thinks he’s doing the right things, but when she tells him that he’s been acting like a great dad the whole time already, and that he hasn’t messed up anything majorly, yet, he realizes that being a parent is more about doing what’s best for the kid, and less about doing everything “right”. He then begins the campaign for another kid. “DON’T GET ME WRONG! I LOVE OUR CHILD DEARLY, BUT… I WANT MORE KIDS… THEY NEED SIBLINGS TO RUN AND PLAY WITH! … Don’t Worry, Dove, I’d Never Leave You And Our Children Like That Unlucky Moron Did. He Just Couldn’t See How Lucky He Was To Have Two People As Amazing As You In His Life… But I’ll Never Forget. I Think About It Every Day, Already, Actually.” 

Stretch- He has a very serious and very strict “eh” policy about kids. Cool, a kid. Nothing about this situation changes how he acts in the least. Just another person around, though he’s maybe not the person the kid should hang around with, at his own admission. “don’t want ‘em growin’ up to be lazy like me, do ya?” But he won’t turn them away if they want to play games or hang out and take a nap for a bit. 

If Stretch has already gotten to the point where he’s thinking about being serious with MC, he’s going to take her kid into consideration, too. It wasn’t awful being a stand in parent for Blue, and he’d probably make a pretty good uncle, but… he’s not sure he’s got it in him to do it again… but for MC- what the hell, he’ll give it a shot. He’s not going to mess them up too badly, after all; he’s not doing it alone this time! And now he has someone to teach the inner workings of what he does at work- no, it’s not because he’s lazy and wants someone to do his job for him! … ok, that thought may have come up when he decided to teach ‘em- but only for a second! His job skills are important, and will give the kid lots of opportunities when they get older- even if it’s just to start working as his assistant and make things easier on himself, he’ll be up to date and able to take over one day. Stretch will be a proud papa that day, just the same as he was when they graduated top of their class at MIT. Can you- can you believe he actually had a hand in- in building that person…? It’s so surreal… and beautiful… 

Black- Hmm… his pet has a young one already… but he doesn’t scent any other humans on her… Ah, that’s why- Wait- what?! NO, NO, NO, LOVE, YOU MUST BE MISTAKEN, YOU SEE, YOU TOLD ME THAT THIS MORONIC, INSIGNIFICANT WORM IS STILL ALIVE SOMEWHERE! HE IS… YOU DIDN’T KILL HIM FOR BETRAYING YOU?! WHY, LOVE- YOU’RE TOO GOOD FOR THIS WORLD… WOULD YOU LIKE HIS HEAD ON A PIKE FOR A WOOING GIFT? NO? ALRIGHT, SUIT YOURSELF, PET. He just is absolutely stunned that someone so stupid could exist. But, there is no accounting for taste, he supposes. MC and her child are in his care, now, and that means they receive all of the benefits that entitles them to. If the worm comes back- he’s not going to play nice- he’ll show them exactly what they missed out on when they left his family behind to pursue whatever had caught his fancy. 

He’s already acting like a mate and father by the time things get serious, and he is very proud of how smart his child is, but not surprised- after all, they did come from MC’s loins, and were tutored by him. This just shows how great any children they have together will be, and… maybe they should have them now? He’s always heard that you shouldn’t have a large gap between kids, as it can lead to discord in the ranks. Yes, now would be a fine time to start… NOW TELL ME, LOVE, HOW MANY WERE YOU THINKING? WE SHOULD PLAN THIS OUT SO THEY ARE SPACED PERFECTLY AND WE CAN GIVE THEM ALL THE UTMOST TRAINING AND AFFECTION. 

Mutt- Oh, a kid? Hm… Interesting… he guesses. He really skulks around a bit more before he comes over to hang around MC. It’s not that he’s afraid of the kid or doesn’t like them, he just really doesn’t want to be interrupted while he’s trying to get some time with MC. He also doesn’t want to scar them for life by them walking in on him with their mom in all sorts of compromising positions! All sorts of them. Wherever they happen to be… Really, he’s being considerate. 

Mutt, in the future, when things are serious, and MC already has a kid? Cool. Pretty much nothing changes. Everything is the same, except that now that MC is his, so is the kid. So he’s going to keep a socket on them like he did his bro. And he’s going to make sure that no one messes with them. They’re going to turn out very loved and very confident, and very, very safe. Mutt may disappear sometimes, but he always comes back, and when he does he usually seems pleased; kid’s doin’ great. made some new friends. And let me tell you something… If this boy ever meets the douchebag that donated sperm for his kid- he’ll say thanks. And explain all of the accomplishments the two have made without him, bragging how amazing the kid turned out without him. Right before he beats the shit out of him. 

(as a side note, I was inspired by Mutt’s little section in this post by @tyranttortoise, and have something planned much like this… yay!) 

Axe- When he first saw her, his plan was solid; food for his brother. When she used her cleverness and wits and fought to stay alive, he had a bit of respect for her, though he didn’t think it would help her. When she managed to get him and his brother to go back to the camper and he could smell the other scent, knew there was a small human hiding and locked away in the cab of the truck, even though he couldn’t find them, and she was giving them her food to go away- giving up their food to throw off attention and protect her young… it struck a chord with him about how he was protecting his brother, and- well damn… he just couldn’t eat her now! 

After that, when they went around with the bros, she always had that protective front up, never going to let her child be hurt, and… damn it… it just made him like her more. When the boys were reminded that humans can’t survive in the cold, Axe went to collect them, and found that she was even sharing the blanket nest- giving her own heat to keep her child safe and… fuck… he’s pretty sure he’s fallen, but he’s going to resist this weird feeling as hard as he can! Then, when she’s helped and provided for them, his brother, and him, in addition to her child, even though they did what they could to pool resources… He’s a lot more apt to be violent if the others come by and try to take her. She is their human, her child is their child now, and he will kill anyone who tries to mess with them. When the humans move to the lodge, he’s up there, every day, takes the kid out, shows them around, is very sure to have them back for lunch and dinner, teaches them everything he can so they can be strong and take care of and defend themself. Her kid is offended that Axe makes them wear one of those leash backpack type things tied to him, until Axe explains that it’s for him, so he doesn’t get lost from them, then, being MC’s kid, and seeing the example of how to take care of others their whole life, they understand, and Axe is greatly amused at the tiny version of her he now has running around with him. MC is very surprised at all of the hunting, trapping, and survival stuff her kid has learned with Axe, and is super proud of that smart little squirt! And so is Axe. Proud as a dad. Which is what he is when things are serious. He is a proud dad. 

Crooks/Bun- Oh, poor Bun is distraught when he finds out. You Mean That FIrst Night When You Gave Us Your Food, You Were Doing It To Protect Your Baby?! SANS! YOU ABSOLUTE CAD! HOW COULD YOU?! He takes the little human under his metaphorical wing and tries to teach them all the fun stuff he knows, like puzzles! And how to tie all sorts of pretty knots! And useful ones as well. He remembers what it was like when he was a baby bones and Sans did his best to keep his life fun, innocent, and worry free, let him have a childhood instead of having to grow too early, or, really at all, until everything hit the metaphorical fan… He will reenforce your claim to be camping, inviting you to stay with them and claim that you just chose a bad year to camp here, trying to do the same for your kid not to disillusion them. It’s No Trouble, Really! Your Mom Is A Great Mother, And You Are Both Such Wonderful Friends Of Ours, We Want You To Have Fun On With Us On Your Vacation, Too! 

When the others come, he will keep them away, far away from the cabin. He didn’t want her to know, but he would be heartbroken if he let her kid’s image of her fall one tiny bit. Yes, talk all you need to, but let’s do it far, far out here- how about in the road?! How about at the lodge?! Not Here, Where The Baby Might Hear! He feels like his nest is empty when they move to the lodge, and is up there every day, helping to cook and clean, being the mother hen he used to be, and feeling absolutely overjoyed to have a little one to tend to! And the fact that she asks him to take care of the baby when she has to go do something, or needs a moment to herself makes his magic sing! Life is so wonderful right now! And no, he doesn’t care how old the kid is, or how many times anyone says anything- they can almost fit in only his two hands! (you know, depending on how far apart he holds them.) And any young that small must be a baby! Luckily he doesn’t try to spoon feed them. That could be a fight, depending on the kid’s personality. When things move to the point where it would be considered “dating” or “Seriously Dating” he’s glad to have this child with her. He loves them both very much. 

Dusty- The first time he met her, he didn’t know, so he had no opinion, though he’ probably be thinking about some exp, and thinking about pseudo revenge. But, after he’s gone off, found out what he needs to know and come back- 

A kid- oh fuck, a kid! No- no, that can’t be the same kid! They look different- he knows they do- shut up, Paps, he’s trying to think because he doesn’t want to do something wrong! That’s the human’s kid! Yes! That’s right! Ok! Ok. Ok… ok, he’s ok now. He’s very anxious around MC’s kid because he’s afraid that he’s going to freak out, flashback, and attack. He is very careful to always have someone else around when he’s with the kid. Someone that can either get the kid out of there, or kick his ass to stop him. He’s very nervous about if things get serious, and fights it, actually, not wanting anyone to count on him being around, because… he’s afraid that things will fall apart in the worst way possible. 

Ask Masterlist?

[spockandawe]

So! I got that question last night about whether my xiyao fic took place before or after Jin Guangyao killed Nie Mingjue and his father, and like I said, part of my immediate reaction was ‘I don’t know, does it even matter?’ but I wanted to shake that idea a little and see what else shook out, because I wrote that fic from Lan Xichen’s point of view on purpose, and there are all kinds of things he’s not aware of. I’m long-winded, have a cut.

From a practical pov perspective, it genuinely does not matter whether or not Jin Guangyao has done those particular murders yet, because Lan Xichen isn’t going to find out about it until after Wei Wuxian’s resurrection. With me writing from his point of view, he’s going to be a bit sadder after Nie Mingjue dies, but that’s not necessarily something that will noticeably impact this relationship, other than maybe cherishing his surviving sworn brother a little bit more. And maybe he’ll be a little more at ease after Jin Guangshan dies and someone he, trusts on a personal level is leading the Jin Sect, but that’s just an extra degree of complication to whether or not they could do a relationship period, and there was already plenty of complication to go around.

And on the level of a wider perspective, like..... does it matter if Jin Guangyao has done these two extra murders? Both of them went through the sunshot campaign and are very acquainted with all kinds of ugliness and death by now. Jin Guangyao was a double agent under Wen Ruohan, and in just the little piece of that we’re shown, we see him very casually killing some Nie Sect people to maintain his cover (or in case he needs to side with the winning team, whatever). And after the war is over and his father gives him his very conditional recognition, he gets pressed into service as his father’s torturer. He’s already up to his elbows in blood, and Lan Xichen knows that, and still canonically cares deeply for him and trusts him anyways, whether that care is platonic or not.

Also, as a side note, I have seen people who do give attention to those atrocities instead of just picking out two deaths from a whole cheese platter of them, and I find it really interesting how much less grace is given to Jin Guangyao than is given to characters like Wei Wuxian. Some of that is down to natural sympathy with a likeable pov character, but like... Lan Wangji witnessed the end of Wei Wuxian’s brutal torture campaign with Wen Chao, for example, but people don’t expect them to sit down and have a conversation about it, never mind have a moralizing conversation about how ‘wei ying, you know that was very naughty of you, and you’d better realize it was wrong and bad and never do it again.’ All of the characters except the youngest generation have lived through a lot of awful things, and that’s... numbing. I would be shocked to see any of them sit down and discuss it openly, never mind expect it from them before they’re permitted to be loved.

Now, back to JIn Guangyao’s murders. Would Lan Xichen knowing about those two particular extra deaths matter? Yeah, definitely. Lan Xichen also cared very deeply for Nie Mingjue, and having your father raped to death is all kinds of fucked up, plus there are the cultural taboos about killing your dad, etc. But I would also argue that in the story, Jin Guangyao tries shields Lan Xichen from the ugliest parts of himself. It gets a little complicated to provide textual explanations for this, because they both spend most of their time off screen, and I’m not going to get pulled into an long side tangent, but bear with me.

But just from a character perspective, it only makes sense. At a bare minimum, it’s protecting himself. He’s terrified of everyone and everything, he says. Nobody is more aware than he is of how precarious his social position is, and his father did nothing to help him with that. Lan Xichen likes him and trusts him, even though he knows some of the terrible things he’s done. So why wouldn’t Jin Guangyao shield him from the things that might turn Lan Xichen against him? And if self-preservation also aligns with not hurting Lan Xichen as well... Why wouldn’t he avoid hurting Lan Xichen? We see him handling him gently at other times, even after he was in a position where he could have used force. I do wish very much that we could have gotten in his head in canon, but reading into the motivations behind his actions is half the fun, so what do I know, haha. 

I’m not going to convince anyone who’s like ‘bluh bluh jin guangyao never cared for a single person in the world beside himself’, but I honestly think that makes the character profoundly boring and also doesn’t make much sense. Even if he only ever cared for one (1) person beside himself (still think that’s a boring read, but hey), then that person would have been Lan Xichen. It isn’t a one-way street, where Jin Guangyao just takes and takes. He helped Lan Xichen rebuild he cloud recesses. Even if that got him a closer ally and stronger political alliance, it wasn’t a necessary gesture to make. Nobody would have criticized him for just standing by and not spending piles of money on the rebuilding. He didn’t help Lanling Jin the same way, after all. I’m getting lost down this rabbit hole, but my point is that while it’s not that hard to read mercenary motivations into any one single thing he does, there is a pattern of behavior in his treatment of Lan Xichen particularly, and that pattern makes the most sense if care and compassion are involved. Jin Guangyao’s motivations when it comes to Lan Xichen make the most sense when they’re at the intersection of self-preservation and affection, and other reads on him just are not nearly as compelling to me.

Anyways! Back on topic. If there’s a xiyao relationship while JIn Guangyao is Jin Guangyao, even if he hasn’t killed Nie Mingjue and Jin Guangshan yet, he’s... probably at least thinking about it. He’s maybe working on it a lil bit in the background. And one, he’s already an experienced torturer tho, and two, Lan Xichen already cares about him even though he’s a torturer. I think it’s actually much more interesting to try to determine where the story falls in terms of where Jin Guangyao stands in regards to Xue Yang. Is he actively collaborating with him yet? Is he actively providing him with materials? Even if Lan Xichen would have a hard time forgiving Jin Guangyao for what he did to Nie Mingjue, I also think he’s capable of understanding why Jin Guangyao was so terrified when it came to Nie Mingjue. Even if he didn’t agree with him in the end, I think he would be able to listen and understand. He would just go into a horrible conflicted deadlock of grief and emotions and withdraw to seclusion for the foreseeable future. I think it would be much, much more damaging to Lan Xichen to know that Jin Guangyao was feeding a supply of innocent people to Xue Yang for experimenting. 

In the end, it’s rarely an interesting question to me of how many bad things a given character has done at any given point in a shippy story like the one where I got this question, because like... This fictional mass murderer from ancient fantasy china is still capable of love, so. Now, am I talking about JIn Guangyao? Or am I talking about Xue Yang? Wei Wuxian? Jiang Cheng tortured and killed a bunch of demonic cultivators, but like.... still want him to reconcile with his brother tho. What kind of boring reading would I be doing if nobody involved was allowed to make a bad decision ever? A chronic series of bad decisions? Xuexiao is so compelling to me because of the sheer amount of terrible decisions Xue Yang has made before he starts wanting to be loved. Wei Wuxian comes back from the dead exhausted and wrung out and dragged down by the weight of his first life. He’s confronted by people who are like ‘it’s your fault I lost my leg!’ or whatever, and Lan Wangji doesn’t pull away to be like ‘wow, that man is right, that is really terrible of you, let’s have a conversation until you tearfully self-flagellate enough to earn my love again.’

So the question about my fic doesn’t really have an answer. Has Jin Guangyao killed Nie Mingjue or his father yet? Idk! Haha, probably! Or he’s at least working on it, he’s a busy little bee. And none of that has any bearing at all on his ability to love Lan Xichen (except now that i think about it, their deaths would probably make it easier for him to have that conversation, because there are fewer external threats to his safety, and he has more space to consider voluntarily allowing more vulnerability into his life). Would knowledge of those deaths impact Lan Xichen’s ability to love him? They would make it a lot more hecking complicated, that’s for sure, but that is also the canonical seasoning of this relationship, platonic or romantic. And, incidentally, it’s the exact spice I crave. I would have no interest in this relationship if they were two perfect angels, I am here because Lan Xichen is an absolute doll, and Jin Guangyao both cherishes him above everything else and has deliberately done terrible things that wounded him deeply. That’s the appeal.

[lesserfandomappreciation]

Good to see you! Always glad to get a Red Shoes ask! How are you? And thank you! I really appreciate that! I’m working on getting a little better each day!  BTW, how did you develop your art style? It’s so cute!

Jelly boys (RSaT7D)

Merlin

Merlin loves his s/o. Truly, unapologetically with his whole heart and mind. He thinks he’s not obvious but mage, please. He openly swooned over Snow White what makes you think he’d be different with s/o, it’s just a matter of whether or not they notice. Knowing that Merlin is aware he one very lucky man and that most wished they could be so lucky. And are willing to try their luck, regardless of his s/o being in a relationship, thank you.

Drama prince. You’d think he was campaigning for dumbass of the year sometimes. 

He’s not jealous! Why would he be jealous? It’s not like he would care some scumy person with no sense of personal space hit on (Name) and tried to make them blush. Save the baseless accusation for someone who cares, says Merlin as he wraps an arm around s/o and refuses to leave their side some time the offender has already left. The idea of it really. 

You mentioned Jack’s jealousy and that brings up an interesting point when it comes to Merlin. Jack is secure in who he is and where his relationship stands. Merlin has only one of those things, and it’s the latter. From what we’ve seen, the wizard has a lot of deep-running insecurities that are tied from his sense of self-worth. Sure, he shows off, says “You just got Merlin’ed” unironically and gloats over some of his victories, but give him a moment to self-reflect and he runs from himself. He spent an entire year as a dwarf specifically because he put all his worth on his outward appearance.

This applies to his s/o in that Merlin doesn’t see himself as enough for them. (Name) is amazing, look at them go! Have you seen them? Have you seen him? They deserve the world and instead they’re stuck with him. Unlikely as he is to say it, Merlin is genuinely frightened of the day they wake up and realize they deserve someone fitting, better. 

Out of the three, his is the one that needs addressing the most. Jealousy in general isn’t inherently good or bad, but that depends on where it stems from. Jealousy based on self-hatred can have long-term problems for all parties involved if left unresolved. Merlin wants to be enough. Merlin needs reassurances, enforced boundaries and uplifting praises for him to realize that they’re not going anywhere. 

Prior to this pivotal moment, his go-to method to dealing with awful people was lightning, possibly getting pouty about it. Nowadays he’s unfortunately learned from Jack that unrelenting affection is a fantastic way to deal with unwanted attention and my, if it doesn’t work wonders.

He’s a monster now. Slides up to s/o, arm around them, flirting with them as if the person wasn’t there.

Still gets pouty a bit at times and needs cuddles. 

Arthur

I have to be honest, Arthur’s jealousy was a pain and half to figure out because it is hard to pin down. A jealous Arthur is nigh-impossible to tell apart from a generally protective and chivalrous Arthur. Dwarf-form, human-form, it doesn’t matter - if someone he cares about is struggling to defend themselves and the other person can’t take the hint he’s going to step up between, telling them to back off. 

The reason it’s so hard to tell apart because even Arthur isn’t 100% sure what he’s feeling in that moment with his s/o. For all the self-hyping the F7 gave themselves, Arthur and the others seem to have exactly 0 experience actually being in relationships (he thought a slap was a gesture of affection this man hasn’t a clue what he’s doing). Getting kissed by a thankful princess is worlds different from building a bond with someone, caring for someone. The first time Arthur is struck with jealousy, he’s not at all sure what he’s feeling. He just knows his heart is gripped tightly, his blood is running hot, and that he’s not about to let some scumbag continue to be rude to (Name). 

Look for his reaction afterward. That’s the ticket for an outsider looking in to figure out something’s up. When Arthur is protective (about anyone he cares about), the second the issue is dealt with he’s first concerned about their well-being and then pretty positive about being able to protect his loved ones. When Arthur is jealous though, he goes quiet afterwards. He’s not mad at anyone other than himself, because he doesn’t know why he got so fired up and he views (Name) getting harassed as a failure to protect them. He’s sullen, but will make an attempt to hide it if asked about it.

The jealousy Arthur experience comes from the same places as his protectiveness. Concern and duty. The incident with Snow White being in danger by guards and his doing nothing has definitely left an impact on him and it’s made his concern for others, even strangers, all the higher. In this case, the person he’s worried about is his s/o and that adds a burst of affection into his actions he’s not used to being there. Duty comes into play in terms of his beliefs and morals. Arthur has a really strong moral compass, with ideas on what is right being pounded into his brain early on. He likely has a sense of what he should be doing in a relationship, and what his “duties” are to his partner. They’re not all bad, but they do need a reality check. 

He’s ashamed to admit he’s jealous. He’s not supposed to get jealous - Arthur trusts his partner! Yet, he can’t deny he hates seeing them being harassed.

Also, the childish, selfish part of his mind he pretends to not have can’t stand that some schmuck is getting their attention when Prince Arthur is right here, hello? Don’t tell anyone, he’s embarassed. 

Arthur doesn’t need much in terms of redirecting. A good reminder that his s/o is grown and will absolutely call on him if they need his help quells a lot of his concerns. Time in the relationship also helps - the more he knows and builds his relationship with s/o the more relaxed he’s going to feel. He winds up being the guy who will look to s/o to see if he needs to put someone in a headlock. 

Should he get pouty (happens to everyone really), this man is such a slut for physical affection, hand-holding, hugs, sweet peppering kisses that any combination of them will get him to give the goofiest smile. 

Hans

Now here’s an interesting one. Hans is like Jack in that he’s secure in himself and his relationship. He trusts his s/o like crazy, respects boundaries, has enough emotional intelligence to know when he needs to step in versus when he wants to step in and follows through on that. But. He dislikes people disrespecting his s/o strongly, has pretty quick strong reactions (he knocked out Snow White with a pan), and puts his foot down with no wait time required.

When he spots someone pushing it what’s a guy to do but inject themselves into the conversation? It’s hardly his fault the sleazo ran off when Hans grabbed (Name)’s hand and talked to them sweetly, all while giving the offender the glare of a life time. 

Oh yes. Hans is that guy. Sure he could try to be tough (like Arthur) or pretend to be tough (like Merlin), but where’s the fun in that? This method lets people know (Name) 1) is taken. 2) in a very healthy/happy relationship 3) has a boyfriend who is right there and 4) their boyfriend will use a shield as a weapon if need be. It’s foolproof!

...Well, almost foolproof, save for the part where Hans decides to not talk about his feelings. Emotionally intelligent when it comes to others, Hans himself is not good about expressing his emotions. (Name) was the one who had to deal with that offender for so long, they’re the ones who were actually affected by the offender’s actions, Han’s feelings should be on the back burner then! This thought process is flawed. He views himself as the caretaker and not as someone to be cared for like he does for others, and that mindset is going to lead to a lot of bottled feelings if not dealt with early on. 

What Hans needs is honesty. Direct confrontation on this, because he will try to skirt around the issue instead of talking it out if possible. Once the direct communication is had, it’s a long journey of learning to be vulnerable, validation of feelings, and understanding what a relationship of equal give-and-take looks like that leads to him bettering his response to jealousy. 

Hans still is the guy who smoothly cuts in, but nowadays its followed up by a dual session in the kitchen where the both of them can get frustrations out by kneading some dough. Nothing like the promise of warm tasty bread to distract from the offenders from earlier. Along with floury kiss marks on the cheek. It’s the one time he doesn’t mind a mess in the kitchen. 

[utilitycaster]

@geekwiththeglasses sorry to turn what was probably a comment you were just making very normally on my post on why I like Beau’s arc as is into a wholly unasked for diatribe on my Grand Unified Theory of Fandom Discourse but I saw the comment during some downtime at work and had thoughts and also a long drive home during which they could percolate. Feel free to ignore because it’s long and only sort of responds what you’re saying, but I wanted to post it and credit you for sparking that thought.

(also just for anyone else reading this is under a cut because it’s very long, but also, spoilers for both CR campaigns).

Anyway, put simply: People like what they like, they don’t like what they don’t like, and will come up with rationalizations for why they are correct in liking or disliking something that they already liked or disliked for much more basic reasons. I fully include myself as guilty of this but anyway we’re all dealing with a different internal ruleset for what is “correct” to like, disagreement is inevitable, and that’s okay.

So: I like Fjord. I like paladins. I like vengeance plots. I like boats, which is a thing I did not realize was a thing I liked in rpgs until I looked at characters I was really enjoying and was like hmm whole lot of sailors in here. I like charisma casters and swords and the trope of What You Are In The Dark and people realizing they’re way in over their head and having to do the hard work to get out of it. So like, this is in general a plot that is going to appeal to me, and I have biases in that direction.

With that said I don’t see how it’s not integrated into the overall plot? To be fair this reminds me of a lot of things I’ve said, about how CR has always been a character game vs. TAZ which was much more clearly a story one. Actual play, especially with a fairly open world and especially truly live/unedited actual play, ends up having to be a character game by default because you’ve deliberately introduced a random element that you cannot cover up; you’re going to get unexpected deaths and victories that don’t totally seem earned. Which is something I think is a feature, not a bug; if I wanted something to fit a particular narrative there’s countless movies and books and TV shows that will do that.

But back to the idea of plot: The Mighty Nein is a group of seven people and they all have things going on; in Fjord’s story, this is the normal narrative: make a deal with an unknown being in a desperate moment, slowly learn about this being, eventually learn just how high the price is, reconsider, get punished, reject that being, find a new path, the being you betrayed is now your mortal enemy and will continue to be so until it gets what it wants or you kill it. This is a very straightforward redemption arc. It’s just that Fjord isn’t alone, and those encounters with the enemy he betrayed happen to occur while all of the group is on a boat going somewhere else.

The thing it’s this is how the vast majority of arcs are. In the middle of chasing down Yasha and the Angel of Irons cult the party went into an extraplanar space (from an item that popped up randomly thanks to a stowaway that happened in the middle of the pirate arc) to save Yussa, with absolutely no knowledge that said action would end up tying back into the Angel of Irons. And even then, there were clear points within that space where Caleb and Veth’s stories were the ones being served, rather than the party’s search for the Angel of Irons.

When do we decide something is integrated or not? Vax had his promise to the Raven Queen and the subsequent story of that  interrupt the Chroma Conclave; while Vax is a fictional person I bet Vax would consider it a disruption. We split long-running actual play games into arcs, because it’s hard to refer to things otherwise, but life and stories are rarely just a series of tasks we complete and learn from and then are finished with, and “integrated” ends up meaning less “does it make sense from what has happened already, even if it’s not narratively pat” and more “is it what the viewer wants”, (ie, is it narratively pat).

I would also argue that Percy’s arc wasn’t any more or less integrated into the plot than anyone else’s. It was self-contained, because the story it was telling was about specific people who corrupted a specific space, (we can say the same about the Travelercon arc being about specific people in a specific space) but even then it wasn’t really. Ripley popped up when the party was chasing down leads for a vestige in Ank’Harel, and the Briarwoods ended up resurfacing for the final arc with Vecna. I mean, Percy himself told Vox Machina prior to everything going down they didn’t need to get involved! It’s not like the Chroma Conclave, when dragons attacked the party’s home! It was a choice! The party could have said “you know what? We’ll deal with the Briarwoods in Emon, but we’re not going to Whitestone.” But of course they didn’t, because what is D&D if not a story about found family, and what is a found family if you’re not part of each others’ stories?

Anyway the point is no one needs to have a logical reason why they’re frustrated by one character’s arc, or wish they had more content about another character, or like or don’t like certain characters/ships/plotlines, and honestly I find a lot of reasons people come up with involve twisting canon (the ruleset for ‘correct’ I tend to use) or cherrypicking or even just having wildly different interpretations of material to make that choice somehow justified when you are allowed to just...have preferences. Like people are allowed to just be tired of Fjord because it’s not what they want to watch right now, and that’s fine! I don’t agree, but I don’t think they’re wrong for having different preferences!

It also means that if someone comes into my inbox and gives a reason for why their dislike is valid and I don’t find the reason valid within canon, I’m going to dispute it because I’m generally argumentative and contrarian and pedantic and so on, but none of this changes the fact that they’re still allowed to dislike the thing and my opinion ultimately doesn’t matter.

[bettertheworld]

To change, you have to change.

The most important crash-course our planet is on is with itself, it doesn't matter that in billions of years our solar system is going to collide with a nearby galaxy, our planet is on a crash-course with human habits and they're already ruining the world bite-by-bite, meal-by-meal.  

Yes, there are other factors threatening our existence causing climate change, but none of those factors have as much impact as what we ingest as 'foods' and 'drinks'. None of those other factors can be compromised because people need to travel to and from work, move about the world, people need to get goods from one part of the world to another etc...  

What people don't need is to support the burning and deforestation of the Amazon Rainforest and other grasslands to allow cattle to graze, we don't need meat to exist as a thing that keeps us fed - that idea is 100s of years old and if you haven't heard, Justus Von Liebig was wrong – very wrong.  For an idea that old to be so strongly affecting us today, means we're living in the past - we don't need animals to get ample protein in our lives.  Ignoring the problems the present is creating is a true and horrible crime of today, but you should also realize that someone is pulling the strings behind the scenes and initially, it's not our fault. If this scenario were a person in their life, a medical doctor would send that person to a psychotherapist, and you know that doctor would have already started them on an SSRI among other drugs that they would be getting kick-backs on.

Later on I'll describe to you what the Disease Model is, and how Doctors operate within those boundaries to keep us sick, but alive.

The Covid-19 pandemic is the canary in the coal-mine telling us that if we don't change our ways, minds, and belief systems, it's going to be too late to save life as we know it; look at Covid-19, it’s already doing that.  Misguidedly, I tried so many times to inform and help people accept the facts, but at that time, I didn’t know that, new facts are polarizing, they don’t just change belief-systems. I burnt so many bridges wasting effort on people who weren't ready to accept new information, who didn't want to change, and who at best wanted to make me look like a blabbing fool.  What does it take to make someone talking pure gold look like their talking garbage? The answer is a loyal following.  Take away the loyalists, and you take away Those-Who-Resist's ground to stand on. Inform the following, and instead of working against them, like Othello, you're now working with them.  Seems easy, but it's an absolute nightmare sometimes to be on this mission – while trying to do life.

The bottom line is this, If we don't change our eating habits, we're going to be looking back on 2020 and we're going to regretfully say, 'we should have listened, we should have read the true science and informed ourselves and understood that vegan activists are sharing information so that we can minimize our impact which elongates the future for generations to come, not to take away anyone's rights or freedoms today'.  You might not see all of those right away, but I need to make the point about 2020 and it's a bit cheesy, here it is in a series of extremely short sentences. 2020. Vision. Hindsight. (You see what I’m doing here?) Covid-19.  Human deaths. Animal flu Spillover. Cause of covid. These points are all strongly connected and the answer to the problem is, leave the animals alone.  We can easily be getting all nutrients from plants, thereby eliminating the ability for animal flu spillover, stopping future pandemics and living successfully and healthfully. Wow, seems simple. If you need proof about how vegans can kill it physically, check out Nimai Delgado on Instagram.  Here's a hint - do not worry about adequate protein intake – I would worry a whole lot more if I still ate meat.

Did you know that a chickpea has every amino acid that your body needs and none of the cholesterol that lays down fatty streaks in your arteries?  Dietary cholesterol only comes from eating animal products.  Did you know that of the 20 amino acids, only 9 are essential?  Did you know that plants make amino acids? Did you know plants make ALL amino acids? Did you know you can live healthfully with just eating plants? If you doubt, check out nutritiondata.com; it will set you free.

I had the hindsight to realize that we are the problem, what I was eating was harming me, and that change happened without me forfeiting anything and that what I needed to thrive and live my best, most fulfilling and healthiest life was growing in the ground and putting carbon back into the ground thereby removing carbon dioxide from the air? What was being bled out, hung upside down, chopped into pieces, packaged, and then referred to as Halal Beef or 'extra-lean ground chuck' was killing me from within.  It is my hunch that in the future, Halal will be condemned as an inhumane and non-sustainable practice.  If you doubt my words, consider watching Earthlings, and I mean ALL of Earthlings – It's free on Youtube.

Covid-19 was caused by humans' interactions with animals.  You can try to re-word, re-frame, re-everything the previous sentence, but you can't, we caused it by conquering the world and being negligent with our logistics and lack of science.  It doesn't matter if you can conjure up conspiracy theories or already understand that it's our closeness with animals that has caused the pandemic. I'm not going to get into the nitty gritty details because that's already been done.  I'm here to send a wake-up call to anyone who will listen, anyone who will change, anyone who cares about their children, nieces, nephews, brothers, sisters, parents, or anyone who will live beyond your years, basically anyone beyond yourself.  Yes these are strong words, but these are grim times.

Are you going to be in the group who changed given the information that is out there, or will you be in the stubborn group who thinks they can interpret the science better than the professionals can? Are you going to continue to believe that every falsely "debunked" meat-free solution as a result of fake news is remotely inclusive or correct? Are you going to choose greed and personal choice over minimizing your impact on the future?  Are you going to let fake news scare you into eating meat?  The only reason why you have a choice today is because of capitalism, but is capitalism helping or killing you? Take capitalism away, and you would be left with no choice, you would be doing what is best for the planet because that’s also best for you and, if you don’t know, climate change is already here!  

Again, I'm not here to take away your personal choice, I'm here to instill a sense of agency within you, to give you the power to take control of your life, to be in the driver's seat with regard to your own health, and to reframe the choices that you have so that you can choose better for whatever the rest of your years look like or whatever may come to be on this planet because of you.  Do you want to be part of the solution, or would you rather defend your right to live unsustainably because you have money?

Take the rich for example, whatever you want, you get because they have the money for it. Well, consider the fact that heart disease has not been linked to a lower socioeconomic status, instead it affects everyone roughly equally if you're all eating an equal amount of animal protein and animal fats, you're all getting just about the same amount of sick (ignoring specific nutrient deficiencies).  Whether you're eating the rarest of blood-dripping steaks with the fanciest 1000-thread count napkins on your laps, or you're going through a McDonald's drive-thru dropping lettuce all over your car because all your bank account will let you do is get a Bacon-Double-Cheeseburger and the person who made it can’t get all the lettuce between the patties, either way that animal fat is being pushed into your arteries by your blood pressure and the animal protein is wreaking havoc in your body promoting your genes to signal cancer growth within your body. It doesn't matter if you're eating only white meat vs red, animal protein does not promote optimal health for a human being.  

Eating meat was the exception and necessary at one point in time within evolution, but it was never meant to be a long-term solution, how do I know this? Our bodies tell us that. Our teeth are flat for grinding roughage, our teeth cannot shred muscle very well.  We have elongated GI systems designed to absorb complex carbohydrates, our stomach acid is not as strong as true carnivores.  We require vitamin C in our diet which relates to us having trichromatic vision, vs Lions that only see black, white and grey. Vitamin C is found in plants, not meat.  Yes we have the ability to digest meat, but it wreaks havoc on our bodies, and it takes a long time to see the result of that action develop into symptoms of various cardiovascular diseases, and cancers.

With regard to deciding to finally kill Betsy the cow because you’re starving and need to eat something? Can you imagine being that person who had to hack up the first cow when it went against their way of life at the time? How traumatic it would be! Maybe you can imagine doing it yourself right now, and or it's time to think, "If I can't do it, how am I going to pay someone else to do it?  Ask yourself that 3 times.

Necessity has a way of changing us because we’ll do anything to survive. Whether you accept it or not, we're already at that point of necessity with regard to climate and I’m glad someone has done something about it.  Look at Greta Thunberg, if you haven't seen her documentary, I highly recommend it, it's called 'Greta'. A child who has been handed an unfair start at life, facing a climate crisis and being left to think, 'what's the point of me doing anything other than this?' The answer to her question is 'quite honestly, barely any". Her campaign of 'Skolstrejk for Klimatet', translated it means "school-strike for climate" has gained momentum and woken people up, but was that her resonsibility in the first place? We all know the answer to that, and that proves that our ignorance is making the future more and more unfair for each child born, and if that’s your child, and if you eat meat, you truly do not what to offer the best planet to your children.

I have to address this quickly because so many people refer to it.  If 'God' created the world, the bible via prophets and animals to eat, then god also created Science and Philosophy and Logic, which has now proven many facts about diet and disease, so how are we going to defend eating meat with words of the bible and ignore the Science, Philosophy and Logic that was also bred of God? You tell me what you come up with.

You tell yourself that it's just one meal, it's just a couple meals a day, or it's every meal and it's your choice and you can do whatever you want to your body.  That is true because capitalism allows that, but if you want to grow and become better than you already are, you should really ask yourself a question that about 98% of people ignore - "Am I doing this whole food thing right?" And therefore, "Am I giving myself too many allowances? Do I have a realistic or horribly unrealistic view of my own life and my existence?"  Yes, it goes deep, but is it too difficult to critically look at yourself? Think beyond yourself.

For those educated regarding Critical Theory and higher degrees of thought in school, you may ask yourself a lot more questions than that, but before you begin to answer them with regards to food, do not even think about answering them with regard to your experience if you have only tried eating one way, you need to go with science on this one and use yourself as an experiment - make changes, and gauge how you feel – cut the meat and dairy, align your thoughts and feelings with what is on your plate.  

It was only a year ago Canada made their first food guide without Research from the companies providing the animal products.  Is it just me or does it seem crazy to have ever used research from Beef producers about beef?  Regarding the changes which nearly left meat out completely, I have my own conspiracy theories as to why meat was left in, but take a hint people, it was all but removed. Wake up and smell the chickpeas, ditch the animal products.

What do you think your children, grand-children, great-grand-children, etc.. will think of you? No you will not meet all that come to be because of you but they'll know if you were the first go ditch meat, and take control of your health. You have the power to choose, you have the agency to act autonomously and to think for yourself.  What legend do you want to leave behind? What are they going to say about you if you refuse to change?  

My mother has smoked my entire life, always telling me that she'll quit, it's hard I know, but after 35 years, I've given up trying to change people, instead I refuse to keep secret for her, her habits that are shortening her life day in and day out. Telling her that if she dies of anything related to her smoking or eating habits, that I will use her as an example to teach my nieces about cause and effect.  Call me brutally honest, call me anything you want, but before all, call me a realist.

Did you know that even in abusive relationships, the abused will at times defend the abuser? Did you know that happens a lot more than you realize? Maybe now you can realize that you're being abused by the meat-producers and now you're defending them by defending your 'right' to eat meat?

I think we are ready to remove the veil, but to do so you'll have to do the research yourself and not just take my word for it. Everything I spout nowadays, is the opposite of what I knew myself to be in 2014. The fact that I have been through university with a degree in Human kinetics, spending time with nutrition and other Biomedical sciences - nothing woke me up better than meeting a Vegan who cared enough to hold my hand and walk me through what big businesses never wanted me to find out. That what we eat is killing us, the planet, and the future.  Now, science has shown us that with a vegan diet, rich of fruits, vegetables, grains, legumes, nuts and seeds, we can reverse the number top killers (heart disease and many cancers) of people caused by ingesting animal products or at least optimize your chance at fighting off or living with a disease. Eating animal products is never part of the solution, it’s the problem.

Take control of your life and inform yourself because only you can live your life.

[twiceblackvelvet]

Username: xNotYourJoyx Pt. II

Pt.I 

As expected, Joohyun is waiting outside of the office building bright and early the next morning. Her arms folded across her chest, creasing her black suit jacket and causing her spotless white shirt to bunch up around the collar. Her expression unreadable as she stares out into space, a cigarette resting between her left pointer and middle finger, the ash hanging off the end of it shows she hasn’t taken a drag from it in some time. Despite her pristine appearance, something must be going wrong, or she wouldn’t be smoking since she supposedly gave up six months ago.

Hopefully, whatever is bothering Joohyun means she’ll have forgotten all about the note with the web address written on it. However, those hopes shatter the second Seungwan comes into Joohyun’s peripheral vision as she rushes over with purpose, discarding the cigarette behind her, not as secretively as she thinks.

“Well, you certainly have a bit more of a glow about you Wannie. Does that mean you, you know…” She points downward, and Seungwan is sure her face has just turned bright purple from merely the insinuation that she had managed to finally after months of being unable to release all of her tension.

Flashes of Joy spark up inside of her head. Her body. The gentle moans. The alluring eyes that Seungwan is sure even the devil himself would fall for. It’s not hard to see why she did descend the rabbit hole that is Joy, but it’s an adventure she’d rather forget now and not rehash right outside of work with various colleagues walking past them both and filing into the building one after another.

“Hello? Are you okay?” Joohyun clicks her fingers around Seungwan’s face several times before she snaps out of her recollection of the night before. “Damn, you must have been fucking deprived.” She lets out a chuckle covering her mouth as she does so, likely to hide the cigarette breath.

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

They both turn back toward the office building and step inside the heavy glass doors slowly walking to the upstairs office, Seungwan picks up her pace to evade any further questions, but once again, luck is not on her side as Joohyun’s strides quicken too.

“You’re certainly thinking about it, what’s the harm in telling me about it?” Joohyun asks once they finally reach the room full of different computer stations, a few other colleagues who entered before them already seated and busy. The lack of conversation between stations unusual, filling the atmosphere around them with dread and worry.

“We’re at work now it isn't appropriate.” Whilst this is true, Seungwan knows she’s just pulling any excuse out of her hat now since everyone within the office has at some point or another discussed how their lives outside of the office walls are just as dull as it is within them. Well, all except Joohyun who now that Seungwan thinks about it, hasn’t revealed much of substance about what it is she does once she’s off the clock.

“Fine, be like that,” Joohyun says flatly as she heads towards her desk, she stops midway there to holler something back. “Oh, just so you know, one of the investments fell through this morning. You’re about to be told to clean it up.” She points toward the door they had both just stepped through moments before where her boss is currently entering with a face like thunder.

Great. This is just what I need, she thinks.

It takes seven hours. Seven hours of back and forth negotiations, promises of more financial backing and a hefty advertisement campaign that is far more expensive than their original budget had planned for, but she finally clears up any misunderstandings and issues the client had. Not that those seven hours receive any form of praise or appreciation. Her boss merely gives her a quick nod of the head and that is the only acknowledgment her efforts are offered.

For those seven hours, not a single thought of long legs and brown eyes had managed to burst into her mind as a distraction, but the second the telephone meeting concludes and she’s left to simply wait for the next task to pop up in front of her on the computer monitor in front of her, Joy infiltrates her head once more.

It’s no wonder that people can become addicted to such a thing, only one peek into the site, one subscription, one girl and Seungwan swears she’s losing her mind. She determines that this is exactly why she can’t ever use it again, who knows how far she would end up falling? It certainly isn’t healthy to offer up such a personal experience such as sex to merely a figure on her screen that she doesn’t even know. A figure who doesn’t even know she exists to make matters worse.

“Did you fix it?” Joohyun asks, appearing from seemingly nowhere behind the station wall and startling Seungwan out of her thoughts. She composes herself before Joohyun can pick up on her mind wandering for the second time already today, or so she believes.

“What do you think?” Seungwan responds, quirking her eyebrows upward, grin replacing the thin line her lips had been resting in, mouth dry as she speaks.

“Confidence, Wannie. I like it, it suits you,” Joohyun steps from around the wall to sit on the edge of the cluttered desk, her body resting against some of the paperwork almost knocking some of it off. “Come on, let’s go grab a coffee from downstairs, you look like you could do with a break.” She extends her hand out and Seungwan reluctantly grasps it.

The coffee in the office cafeteria is always a surprise, but Joohyun loves it for some reason always trying to drag along anyone who will join her. The stronger the better she always says which makes no sense since it tastes like something you’d find at the bottom of a sewer but she still practically chugs it down with ease. It’s been a while since Seungwan hasn't drunk any after someone spilled salt into the water section without bothering to tell anyone. However, it’s not too bad today which is a relief.

“Are you going to tell me now?” Joohyun asks tentatively. She folds her arms across her chest, in the same manner, she had this morning, however, Seungwan takes notice to the part of her neckline which is now exposed. “Hey, eyes up here.”

“I wasn’t… I don’t… no…” Before she can embarrass herself any further stumbling over her words, Joohyun interjects.

“Give it up, Wannie. I’m not blind.” She chuckles, airy, and without conviction. “I’m flattered, truly. But we’re colleagues, it would be weird, right?”

Seungwan would be lying to say that she hadn’t given it some thought before. Hell, even just the day before Joohyun had managed to make her body naturally react to her from simply eating ice cream. However, there’s a resounding “no, it wouldn’t be weird” pulsating through her head currently, compared to any other time this idea had sprung to mind where the answer was a resounding and absolute no.

“No.”

“I’m fucking with you Wannie,”

They speak at the exact same time leaving Joohyun to stare at every part of Seungwan’s face seeking clarity and honesty in her answer. Seungwan drops her head down to look at her hands in her lap, never looking back up or returning eye contact with Joohyun for the remainder of their quiet coffee break. It takes her twenty minutes to realize that Joohyun had long since returned back to work and left her to sit there alone.

Returning to her station, she still does not bother to even glance in Joohyun’s direction, though she can see that she is seated and typing away contently from the corner of her eye.

“Why on earth did you answer you, idiot?” Seungwan mutters under her breath as she sits down to her desk.

For the remaining three hours of work, there’s very little done that could make her boss happy. Instead, Seungwan spends a great portion of it mentally scolding herself, wondering how the hell she’s going to make things up to Joohyun and watching the tiny clock in the corner of her screen change numbers. People have already begun to pack up their things to leave before she realizes the day is over and done with. However, once again, Joohyun appears from out of nowhere.

“Come on, let’s go.” is all she offers Seungwan before walking out of the office doors.

Quickly grabbing her back and the coat she had placed onto the back of her chair, she scurries to follow Joohyun down the long winding steps they had ascended together this morning. When she eventually catches up to her, Joohyun is already pulling out a cigarette from the box she had stashed inside of her bag, no longer bothering to hide that her habit had returned. She pushes the box toward Seungwan offering her a turn at engaging in the vice too, however, a simple shake of the head sees it stored away inside of the bag again.

“I’m going to quit again, I just needed them today.”

“You don’t have to explain yourself to me, Joohyun.”

Joohyun simply purses her lips around the unlit cigarette and hums softly. The fluorescent red flame attracts Seungwan’s attention away from her colleagues getting into various vehicles or walking away from the building. She watches as Joohyun takes one long drag, closing her eyes as she inhales and releases the smoke from her mouth.

“I’m sorry about earlier, I don’t know what I was thinking.” Joohyun doesn’t move or open her eyes still as Seungwan continues to apologize. “I just… I don’t know. Maybe my head is all messed up from using that site.”

“So you did use it?” The pair simply stare at each other for a few seconds before looking away. “Did you, um… you know..”

“Yes, but I wish I didn’t.” Joohyun doesn’t offer Seungwan a response, instead, making eye contact once more and encouraging her to continue. “I don’t know who these people are, you know? It felt strange. It was like I was using her and I didn’t like that.”

“The people who use that site to sell those images and videos are doing on their own volition, nobody is forcing them to do it.”

“You don’t know that for sure.” The two of them pause at the realization that actually, Seungwan makes a great point. “I don’t want to do it again, I felt so guilty afterward.”

The cigarette in Joohyun’s hand once more has long since burned down too far for her to continue using it, ash falling from the end to the ground. Neither of them speaks for a few moments until a red car pulls up into the parking lot cutting off the engine and horn signaling its presence. Joohyun twists to look in the direction of it and quickly drops the cigarette to the floor, yet again not so secretively.

“Shit. That’s my ride, do you need a lift back to your place?”

“Sure, thanks.”

Slowly walking toward the car, a fairly new model with not a scratch on it,  Seungwan can just say make out someone in the front seat,  hair visible but nothing else as they look out of the window facing away from them.

As Joohyun reaches across to open the front passenger seat, Seungwan wants her to slam it back shut and run as far away as possible as she’s greeted with the very same sight that she had watched on her screen the night before. The same face that also owns the long legs, soft moans, and alluring dark eyes she had become momentarily addicted to.

Joy. In the flesh, right before her, and she knows Joohyun somehow, well enough to be picking her up from work too. She’s real and she’s here. Why is she here? All of Seungwan’s thoughts mash against one another inside of her head threatening to spill out of her mouth if she doesn’t leave immediately.

“Are you getting in?” Joy asks her. Her voice is different from the soft and breathy one she had listened to tell her how to release all of her tension last night. It’s rough and without a single ounce of care at all.

Seungwan turns her body quickly away from the car, away from Joohyun and more importantly, away from Joy. Her feet bashing off the pavement as she sprints out of the parking lot and doesn’t stop running until she reaches home.

[claudiasjeancregg]

Actually I would be interested in your thoights on the CJ/Josh parallels with Josh and his older sister Jeanie?

oh my GOD thank you!! hi! putting this under a cut because... it’s a thousand words... i did not mean for that to happen.

okay so- cj is basically josh’s older sister. she playfully kicks/shoves/hits him like a sister (aka those three random gifs set in various places over seven seasons where she kicks the back of his leg and they both crack up. SIBLINGS.) she teases him, she makes sure he’s not too much of an asshole, and she loves him. i’m a sucker for found family, just like anyone else who watches this show. 

but josh doesn’t let many people in. he has major survivor’s guilt from a fire when he was, like, SIX YEARS OLD that killed his nine year old sister. and he thinks it’s his fault- which is insane and traumatic and heartbreaking, he absolutely should have gone to therapy. 

(concept- spinoff of tww that’s just them in therapy. because it is SO necessary. i love these nerds so much and i want them to BE HEALTHY OKAY?) 

so josh grows up with that trauma as a part of his life- we don't really know what he was like as a kid/teen but i have a hc that he was mostly loud and boisterous at school, but at home he tried to be quiet and low-maintenace because he didn’t want to disappoint his parents anymore.

(and we’re back to josh blaming himself for the fire... my poor baby i love him so much. ps go look at @smallblueandloud‘s adhd josh hc it’s on my mind a lot and is totally canon in my brain.) 

SO. WHERE DOES CJ COME IN? are you just going to rant about your josh lyman feelings forever? (yes.)

so josh meets cj when he’s an adult, he’s out of college and is a lot more well-adjusted in general but is still kind of restless and isn’t very happy with his life. (sidenote- leo’s “compulsive fixer who walks around with so much guilt that everyone he loves will die and it’ll be his fault” line in 3.10 is SPOT. ON. and i love that so much, even though it makes me cry.)

he joins the bartlet for america campaign, meets toby WHO WILL ALSO BE LIKE HIS BROTHER AND BOY DO I HAVE THOUGHTS ON THAT and meets cj. she instantly feels familiar to him, but he doesn't know what it is. and at first, she’s not really warming up to him- he seems immature and juvenile, and not anything she hasn't seen in a guy a million times before. but they slowly get to know each other, and as the whole team gets closer, cj learns that josh is so much more than what he lets on. he cares so much about the people he loves and would do ANYTHING to protect them. 

a few months into the campaign she suspects something is wrong, because of hushed phone calls that sam tells her not to interrupt, and she heard him crying through the walls while she was trying to sleep. so she drags him into a side street and sits him down, and she tells him about her mom and how she died from breast cancer when she was a kid. (because she’s been here before with HER brothers- even though they’re older, it’s the same. sometimes, you have to open up before they’ll open up to you.) and he tells her about his dad, and how he’s dying, and how he left. and cj tells him he isn’t the center of the universe, that he doesn’t have that much power. she tells him that you can’t save everyone. and he says, “i could have saved her.” before she can ask him what the hell that means, he’s on his feet, already moving towards the next thing.

their interaction in “the crackpots and these women” where he's freaking out about the nsc card gives me LIFE because!! “you’re very sweet sometimes, you really are” may be my favorite quote ever. that’s josh lyman right there. and she talks him down from his rant, with logic and common sense, and love. and she reminds him that it’s okay to be worried, but its going to be OKAY! and she makes him feel so much better about the whole thing, because she’s kind of his SISTER and she knows how to do that. 

and later, like when he’s playing around and she kicks him or taps him or rolls her eyes fondly... peak sibling behavior. “we love you josh!” “it helps not to know him” ONCE AGAIN. SIBLINGS.

and SEASON SIX AND THE BET. when she’s trying to get him to stop eating sweets- it’s absolutely hilarious- “belly up to the griddle, grizelda”- for one, but also... it comes out of worry and concern and cj not wanting him to kill himself by living like a twenty five year old. 

and the COS job- he knows she’s going to be great, and he supports her... but he thought he was the logical choice. and it’s obvious how much that hurts him, but i think it hurts her even more because he leaves. (and it’s not about that but there is a definite part of his choice to leave that comes when he realizes he’s not NEEDED anymore. which obviously isn’t true... but. still.) i think it really hurts cj that he left her just when she could have used him- they would have worked SO WELL together, god! yes, i’m still mad that we didn’t get closure on this cj/josh and josh/toby rift that happened after he left- i’m just at the beginning of s7 tho so hopefully that happens! but i doubt it lol. and josh calls her and asks for advice because he needs her- with family, it doesn't matter. you pick up the phone and you help. 

so i got super off topic there, i didn’t talk about joanie as much because we don't know much about her! but i just think that for josh, part of the reason he loves cj so much is that she reminds him so much of joanie. she takes that place in his life without replacing her, and that MATTERS to him. ALSO the names- i have a hc that i got from someone else’s fic that cj’s nickname is  jeanie... and his sister’s name is joanie... i’m sorry i had to mention it.

FUCK that was literally 1k, this was insanely long i’m so sorry. i just love these two so much- if anyone EVER wants to talk about tww i will love you forever i’m in love with this show.

[jane-fucking-seymour]

Dancing In The Dark

It had been years since Six the Musical went dark.

The queens had since moved on with their lives:

Catherine had finally gone back home. The oldest queen took the funds given to her by the Spanish government and settled back in her home from way back when, unrecognizable at first but eventually found to be familiar. She had intended to live alone, not wanting to influence anyone else’s decisions about the next chapter in their lives, but of course Maria refused to be anywhere else but her mistress’ side. Catherine Parr, somewhat surprisingly, joined her, and the trio settled down in a comfortable estate and started up their own non-profit to help combat illiteracy for womxn around the world.

Anne Boleyn had immediately approached Maggie to live with her in France, offering her a chance to start up a new type of performance art: livestreaming on Twitch and posting blogs on YouTube. The duo became wildly popular online, filming anything from travel blogs to personal monologues to wacky edits that went viral as soon as they were published. Anne also worked closely with women’s shelters to help women affected by domestic violence get back on their feet.

Surprisingly, Anne and Maggie were not alone in the neighborhood: right next door was Jane Seymour and Joan Muertas, with some of the most successful baking and craft videos on the internet. Jane had expressed an interest in leaving England altogether long before the show ended, and once it did, she jumped at the opportunity to go anywhere but there. Anne and Jane’s friendship had come a long way since the start, and now the two were constantly collaborating, constantly working together as much as possible, the unstoppable duo of the internet being able to support themselves, their ladies, and their shared need to support women’s shelters.

Anna of Cleves had, naturally, been one of the more adventurous queens post-show, taking Bessie with her on a trip around the world before they both settled down in Germany. Bessie became Anna’s executive assistant at her fashion company, which was dedicated to creating fashionable wardrobes for womxn of all shapes, sizes, and budgets. Their company grew to become one of the most successful brands in the world, and Anna found herself sitting on a throne of her own making.

This left the fifth queen, Katherine Howard, who had decided to do something surprising: not only to stay in London, but to work at the Tower of London, of all places. At first, the other queens objected, and all offered (some begged) Katherine to come with them elsewhere. Katherine, though, always felt a pull to her death place, always felt connected to it ever since she returned. She had decided that it was where she belonged, morbidly enough, and she strived to not only overcome her fears, but to help others do so as well. She told her story to the world as the most popular tour guide in the Tower and then campaigned to strengthen laws and regulations regarding sexual assault and child exploitation, helping children around the world to never be in the place she once was. She became a beacon of hope for many around the world, dedicating her life to the cause with the Tower of London now her home away from home.

This led to present day, where Katherine was getting ready for the biggest fundraising gala of the year: the Howard Banquet.

The Howard Banquet was named after Katherine herself, who would bring in hundreds of millions of dollars to be split amongst charities worldwide. It took up much of her attention for the past few months to plan the yearly event, with celebrities and the best of people invited to celebrate the importance of the charities involved and to help campaign for better and more accessible resources around the world. It was to be done at the Pavilion at the Tower of London, as it always was, as a nod to Katherine’s own history.

The red carpet was set out and Katherine was the first to enter the building, going through the press line and meeting with some board of directors. Her flowing dark pink dress was a highlight, and she smiled brightly as she explained it was made by Cleves Designs, per usual. As she continued into the venue, her friends from the Tower of London soon joined her, and the party started.

She was enjoying herself on the dance floor when she suddenly stops, feeling… weird. Something in the back of her head was telling her to look around, that something was there… and sure enough, there was.

A woman in a dark yellow and black dress walked through the outskirts of the dancing, and Katherine barely saw her. Her hair was up in her signature ponytail, though, curly locks bouncing as she tried to swiftly move through the crowd. Even with the darkened room and strobe lights, Katherine saw the girl look for her out of the corner of her eye, eyes widen, then try to move faster through the crowd, towards the open bar.

Target acquired.

Katherine instantly was on the move, going straight past everyone else, ignoring the questioning calls from her friends as she beelined straight to the accelerating person. Just before the girl turned a corner, Katherine was suddenly in front of her, narrowing her eyes.

“... Maria?”

Maria de Salinas was trying to look everywhere but Katherine at the moment, even though she was cornered. She looked to her left, and Katherine followed. She looked to her right, Katherine moved right into her eyeline. Finally, Maria simply decided to look at the corner, and Katherine actually wedged herself between the wall and Maria to get the girl to look at her. 

“Maria!!!” Katherine says, smiling brightly. “Come on, I know you can see me!”

Maria sighed, shaking her head, before she looked right at Katherine.

“Ohhh, Katherine!” She says, giving a small smile. “Fancy seeing you here!”

“Yeah-huh,” Katherine replies, raising an eyebrow and not at all hiding the smirk on her face. “In my own gala? That is named after me?”

Maria scrambles for an answer.

“Funny coincidence, eh?”

Katherine stares at her for a moment more before throwing herself into Maria’s arms. Maria laughs, holding her tightly, swinging her around before Katherine continues to talk, not letting go of Kat’s hands.

“Why are you here?!?” Katherine asks. “Did they ask you to perform? They didn’t tell me the singing list, that wasn’t my department this year, but-”

“Shh, Kat, no I’m not part of the band,” Maria replies. “I’m just here.”

Katherine tilts her head. “Alone?”

Maria blinks. “Yeah.”

Katherine narrows her eyes again. “No, you’re not.”

Maria raises an eyebrow. “Oh?”

“Yeah.”

“You callin’ me a liar, Kitty-Kat?”

“Where is she?”

“Dunno who you’re talking about, babes.”

Katherine is still not buying it.

“You’re never too far apart, she’s definitely here.”

“Who?”

“Catherine!”

“Don’t know anyone by that name, nope.”

“Wot?!?” Katherine asks, and Maria laughs loudly.

“Listen, even if I knew where they were-”

But Maria realizes her mistake too late.

“THEY?!?” Katherine yells, so loudly it’s clear over the music and everyone stares. “THEY are here?!?”

Maria definitely realizes that she had said too much, and she mock-zips up her lips and refuses to budge afterwards, winking at the girl before rushing off. Katherine tries to follow, but Maria is lost in the crowd.

Kat huffs, annoyed, but not deterred.

She knows that Maria was headed towards the tables, so she casually wanders over there, trying to look the least suspicious possible. She sees Maria lock eyes with her across the way, then heads back towards the bar…

… but that doesn’t make sense, considering the lady was going for a drink, she assumes for Catherine and Cathy. Maria is definitely leading her astray.

With a smirk, Katherine takes her phone out and texts Cathy:

[Text: Parr] I know you’re here.

Katherine scans the room, waiting to see if there’s anyone around that opens their phone. She looks around long enough to get a reply:

[Text: Parr] Not sure what you mean, babes.

Katherine scoffs at that; she’s definitely here. No way she’s not. 

She wanders around the table section, keeping a close eye on who is sitting and her surroundings: there’s not much rhyme or reason to the people around her, so she goes one by one, looking for anything 

There’s a person in a tux.

There’s the host of the evening.

There’s a guy with a service dog.

There’s eight women with their backs turned to her trying to avoid being caught.

There’s a group of women from the shelter.

There’s a family receiving an award tonight.

There’s-

Wait.

She goes back to the third from last group, narrowing her eyes once again. There’s a woman in a gorgeous dark yellow dress, similar to Maria’s but a bit more lavish, golden jewelry complimenting the outfit. There’s a woman in a long, green dress, sleeves included. There’s a third woman in a black and white jumpsuit. There’s a fourth woman in a maroon tux. There’s a fifth woman in a blue suit. And finally, there are three women in dresses similar to the one in green, the one in black and white, and the one in red.

And all of them are absolutely refusing to look in any direction.

Again, the girl makes a beeline towards her target, avoiding even Maria’s call. When she gets close, she can hear them talking.

“Do you think she saw us?” Asks the girl in blue.

“I doubt it, there’s so many people here,” the woman in yellow says.

“I don’t know, she already caught Maria, I bet she’s definitely looking for Catherine,” says the woman in red.

“Maybe we should huddle up around her?” the one in black and white asks. “Might be easier to hide you.”

Katherine steps up and gently pushes her way into the group.

“Yeah, that might work,” Katherine says, as calmly as possible. “Maybe you should just call Maria back, might work.”

“Good idea, Kit-” the green dress lady says, but then she gasps.

The collective scream from the queens and ladies in the circle is enough to shock everyone around them.

Katherine is instantly embraced by the queens, laughing as they all take turns saying hello. She can barely speak with how excited she is, bouncing on her toes as she talks excitedly.

“You’re all here?!?” she asks, bouncing more and more and more. “Why are you all here?!?”

“We were invited,” Jane replies with a massive grin. “By your foundation. It was supposed to be a surprise, but, well…” Jane shrugs.

Maria happens upon them then, sighing playfully before she gently puts a hand on Katherine’s shoulder, causing Katherine to moreso bounce faster but not as big as before in place.

“I’m sorry, I thought I could sneak past her,” Maria says with a chuckle. “She’s too good at this.”

“I just! It’s been forever since last, and I miss you all, and-!” Katherine says, right before she goes for another hug to the most close person - Maggie this time, who welcomes the affection. “I missed you all a lot.”

Jane gently brings her girl into another hug. “We all missed you, too. And it was great fun catching up with everyone.”

Katherine nods happily, smiling so widely her face hurts. 

The rest of the evening, Katherine is never far away from her queens and ladies, dancing the night away. Even during the performances and the awards and the speeches, Katherine is arm in arm with at least one queen, clearly showing how much she missed them.

Towards the end of the night, Katherine and the others are outside, taking a breather in the warm night air, the Tower of London now a comforting sight behind them. 

“So, when’s the next time you lot will be around my neck of the woods?” Katherine asks, sipping on a glass of wine.

“Well, actually-” Maria starts, but Joan picks up.

“Jane and I are here for the next week,” she replies.

“Oh! Would you look at that?” Bessie says, looking at her smirking queen. “We’re the same.”

“Snap,” Maggie replies. “Anne and I are here for that long, too.”

“And us!” Maria finally gets in. “Cathy, Catalina and I are hanging out for the week.”

Katherine’s jaw straight drops.

“You’re… you’re all here? For the week?”

When they nod… well, Katherine tears up.

“Oh, love, I’m sorry,” Anna says, grabbing a napkin to help Katherine dry her eyes. “Is that too much?”

Jane is immediately at her side, a hand on her girl’s back, but when Katherine looks up, she’s smiling. They’re happy tears.

“I just! It’s been forever, and now I have you lot for the full week!” Katherine says, laughing loudly. “I just… I love you guys, you know that right?”

“Awww, Kit!” Anne says, moving to hug her cousin. “It’s okay. We’re here for the next week. For whatever you want.”

Katherine smiles brightly, nodding happily.

“I think this’ll be the best week ever!”

[for-your-therapeutic-smile]

They Never Teach You How to Stop

Rarely do I lack the words to express myself. Perhaps this reflects my failure to maintain my journal consistently throughout 2020. Here goes an honest attempt to capture and document my mental state and the fatigue of Covid, the inertia of this shelter-in-place, the anxiety of this political crisis we face as a nation, the pressure of being a 1L in law school against the backdrop of civil unrest and Justice Ginsburg’s death, coming out - my dad told me he was disappointed -, the possible erosion of my relationship with someone I love, and this feeling of absolute dread and resentment for a system that continuously fails my and future generations (robbing us of a social contract that promised life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness), among many other things I’m too tired to consider. When did we accept a $0 baseline as the American Dream? Oh, to be debt free - free from this punishment for having pursued an education. Stifling the educated to prevent them (myself included) from organizing and mobilizing the masses so we can supplant this system with a better one is the overall objective of the oppressive class (read: Pedagogy of the Oppressed); it’s the conflict between the bourgeois and the proletariat. The proletariat has swallowed the middle class, leaving only the ruling class. I am essentially on autopilot, forcing myself to go through the motions so I can survive another day. I know others join me in this mental gymnastics of unparalleled proportions, one social scientists and medical researchers will soon study and subsequently publish their findings in an attempt to explain the unexplainable. Despite a lack of air circulation, we are breathing history; the constitution, like our societal norms, must adapt accordingly. Judge Barrett: there is no place for originalism. While I seldom admit weakness or an inability to manage life’s curveballs, this series of unfortunate events seems almost too much to bear. 

And yet somehow I continue to find the energy to submit assignments due at 11:59 p.m., write this post at 1:38 a.m., “sleep”, wake at 7 a.m. so I can read and prepare (last minute!) the assigned material leading into my torts or contracts class. I find the energy to text my boyfriend (or ex-boyfriend) so I can attempt to salvage the real and genuine connection we have, cook elaborate meals to find some solace, wrestle with whether or not to hit my yoga mat (I don’t), apply to a fellowship for the school year and summer internships, prepare my dual citizenship paperwork, manage a campaign for two progressive politicians, and listen to music in an attempt to stay sane . . . ~*Queues John Mayer’s “War of My Life” and “Stop This Train”*~ . . . I realize I have to be kinder to myself, give credit where credit is due. I hate feeling self-congratulatory though.

Mostly, I am too afraid of the repercussions if I stop moving at a mile/minute, that I can just work away the pain and be the superhuman who numbs himself from the low-grade depression and nervous breakdown. My body tells me to slow down, as evidenced by the grinding of my teeth, but I take on more responsibility because people rely on me. I must show up. I am a masochist in that way. This is what I signed up for and I’ll be damned if I don’t carry through on my promise to do the work. Pieces of my soul scattered about like Horcruxes, though they’re pure, not evil, so I hope nobody resolves to destroy them. 

My mind rarely rests. It’s 3:08 a.m., one of the lonelier hours where night meets morning; it’s the hour for and of intense introspection. It makes you consider pulling an all-nighter, one you reserve for an “important” school or work deadline. We always put our personal lives on the back-burner. 3 a.m. sets the tone for a potentially awful day. But that doesn’t matter right now. I’m letting some of my favorite albums play in the background: Joni Mitchell’s Blue, Mac Miller’s Circles, Rhye’s Blood, Alicia Keys’ ALICIA, Coldplay’s Ghost Stories, Frank Ocean’s Blonde, Miley Cyrus’ Dead Petz in addition to other playlists, Tiny Desk performances, and tracks (I unearthed last week, like When It’s Over by Sugar Ray). I need to feel something. I need to feel anything. I need to feel everything. We experience such a broad spectrum of emotions throughout the day that we lose track of if we don’t pause to absorb them. Music reinforces empathy; it releases dopamine.

I spent the past two hours reading through old journals and posts, as scattered as they were, on a wide range of topics: poems I had written about falling in and out love, anecdotes about my world travels, and entries on personal, political, and professional epiphanies. The other night I found one of my favorites, a previous post from my time living in Indonesia, centering on the dualities of technology. It resonated with me more than the others. To summarize, I wrote about my tendency to equate the Internet with a sense of interconnectedness (shoutout to Tumblr for being my digital journal; to Twitter for being a place of comedy and revolution; to Instagram for curating my *aesthetic*; to Facebook where I track my family’s accomplishments and connect with travel buddies displaced around the globe all searching for a home). And yet I feel incredibly lonely and disconnected whenever I spend too much time using technology, so much so that I set screen time limitations on my phone recently to curtail this obsession with constant communication and information gathering. Trump and Biden admitted that it’s unlikely we’ll know the results of the election on November 3rd during their first presidential debate. Push notifications don’t allow us to learn of trauma within the comforts of our own homes. I’m already fearing where I will be when that news breaks. 

This global pandemic and indefinite shutdown of the world (economy) undeniably exacerbates these feelings. This is some personal and collective turmoil. But I was complicit in the endless scrolling and swiping of faces and places long before Covid-19. Instead of choosing to interact with my direct environment (today’s research links this behavior to the same levels of depression one feels when they play slot machines), I am still an active on all these platforms, participating the least in the most tangible one: my physical life. I am tired of pretending. I am tired of being tired. I am tired of embodying fake energy to exist in systems that fail me. I am tired of the quagmire. Like Anaïs Nin, I must be a mermaid [because] I have no fear of depths and a great fear of shallow living. This particular excerpt from that 2016 entry was difficult for me to read: “The fantasy of what could have been if a certain plan had unfolded will haunt you forever if you do not come to peace with the reality of the situation. I hope you come to terms with reality.” I am not at peace with my current reality. But is anyone?

It’s a bit surreal for my peers to have suddenly started caring about international relations theory. It’s transported me back to my 2012 IR lecture at Northeastern: are you a constructivist or a feminist? Realist or liberalist? Neo? Marxist? The one no one wants you to talk about. Absent upward mobility, this is class warfare. But I cannot be “a singular expression of myself . . . there are too many parts, too many spaces, too many manifestations, too many lines, too many curves, too many troubles, too many journeys, too many mountains, too many rivers” . . . It feels like America’s wake-up call. But I know people will retreat into the comforts of capitalism if Biden wins and, well, we all enter uncharted waters together if the Electoral College re-elects #45. For those who weren’t paying attention: the world is multipolar and we are not the hegemon. Norms matter. People tend to be self-interested and shortsighted. Look to the past in order to understand the future. History, as the old adage goes, repeats itself. Once a cheater, always a cheater. Taxation without representation. Indoctrination. Welcome to the language of political discourse. Students of IR and polisci have long awaited your participation. Too little too late? Plot twist: it’s a lifelong commitment. You must continue to engage irrespective of the election outcome or else we will regress just as quickly as we progress. Now dive into international human rights treaties (International Covenant on Civil & Political Rights; International Covenant on Economic, Social, and Cultural Rights), political refugees, FGM. No one said it wasn’t dismal. But it’s important. We need buy-in.  

While I am grateful for the continuation of my education, for this extended time with family, for this opportunity to be a campaign manager for two local progressive candidates (driving to Boston to pick up revised yard signs as proof that the work never stops), it would be remiss of me, however, not to admit that I am lonely: I am buried in my books, in the depressing news both nationally and globally, and in precedent-setting Supreme Court cases (sometimes for the worst, e.g. against the preservation of our environment). In my nonexistent free time I work on political asylum cases, essentially creating an enforceability framework of international law, for people fleeing country conditions so unthinkable (the irony of that work when my country falls greater into authoritarianism and oligarchy is not lost on me). I am fulfilling my dream of becoming a human rights lawyer which stems back to middle school. I saw Things I Imagined (thank you Solange). I have held an original copy of the Declaration of Independence that we sent to the House of Lords in 1778 and the Human Rights Act of 1998 while visiting the U.K. Parliamentary Archives as an intern for a Member of Parliament. This success terrifies and exhausts me; it also oxygenizes and saves me. Every decision, every sacrifice, has led me to this point. 

“It’s the choosing that’s important, isn’t it?,” Lois Lowry of The Giver rhetorically asks. This post is not intended to be woe is me! I am fortunate to be in this position, to have this vantage point at such an early age, and I understand the whole is greater than the sum of the parts. My life has purpose. I am committed to the work that transcends boundaries; it is larger than life itself. It provides a unique perspective. But it makes it difficult to coexist with people so preoccupied in the drama they create in their lives and the general shallowness of the world we live. It feels like there is no option to pump the brakes on any of this work, especially in light of our current climate, and that pressure oftentimes feels insurmountable. Time is of the essence. It feels, whether true or not, that hardly anyone relates to my experience, so if I don’t carve out this time to write about it, then I am neither recording nor processing it. 

Tonight, in between preparing tomorrow’s coursework, I realize that I have an unprecedented number of questions about life, which startles me because typically I have the answers or at least have a goal in mind that launches me into the next phase of life or contextualizes the current one. These goals, often rooted in this capitalistic framework, in this falsity of “needing” to advance my career as a means of helping people, distract me from asking myself the existential questions, the reasons for why we live and what we fundamentally want our systems to look like; they have distracted me from real grassroots community organizing until now. They distract me from the fact that, like John Mayer, I don’t know which walls to smash; similarly, I don’t know which train to board. Right now feels like we are living through impossible and hopeless times and I don’t want to placate myself into thinking otherwise despite my relatively optimistic outlook on life. As we face catastrophic circumstances – the consequences of this election and climate change (famine, refugees, lack of resources) – I do not want to live in perpetual sadness. I am searching for clarity and direction so I can step into a better, fuller version of myself. 

It’s now 3:33 a.m. Here is the list of questions that I have often asked myself in different stages of life, but recently, until now, I have not been willing to confront for fear that I might not be able to answers them. But I owe it to myself to pose them here so I can have the overdue conversation, the one I know leads me to better understanding myself:

Are you happy? Why or why not?

What do you want the future to hold? What groundwork are you going to do to ensure it happens?

What does your ideal day/week/month/year/decade look like? Why?

With whom do you want to spend your days? Why?

Who do you love and care about? Have you told people you care about that you love them? Does love and vulnerability scare you?

What do you expect of people – of yourself, of your partner, of your family, and of your friends? Should you have those expectations? Why or why not?

What do you feel and why?

What relaxes you? What scares you? What brings you joy?

What do you want to improve? Why?

What do you want to forgive yourself for and why?

Does the desire to reinvent yourself diminish your ability to be present?

Do you have a greater fear of failure or success? Why?

How do you escape the confines of this broken system? How do you break from the guilt of participation in it and having benefited from it?

How do we reconcile our daily lives with the fact that we’re living through an extinction event? This one comes from my friend (hi Jeanne) and a podcast she listened to recently.

How do you help people? How do you help yourself? Are you pouring from an empty cup?

How will you find joy in your everyday responsibilities, in the mission you have chosen for yourself? What, if any, will be the warning signs to walk away from this work, in part or in its entirety? Without being a martyr, do you believe in dying for the cause?

So here are some of the lessons I have learned during this quarantine/past year:

“I’ve Got Dreams to Remember,” so do not take your eyes off them. Chasing paper does not bring you happiness.

Be autonomous, particularly in your professional life.

Focus on values instead of accolades.

Do everything with intention and honest energy.

Listen to Tracy Chapman’s “Crossroads” & Talkin’ Bout a Revolution for an energy boost and reminder that other revolutionaries have shared and continue to share your fervent passion . . . “I’m trying to protect what I keep inside, all the reasons why I live my life” . . . When self-doubt nearly cripples you and you yearn a few minutes to run away when in reality you can’t escape your responsibilities, go for a drive and queue up “Fast Car” . . . “I got no plans, I ain’t going nowhere, so take your fast car and keep on driving.”

With that said, take every opportunity to travel (you can take the work with you if absolutely necessary). Go to Italy. Buy the concert ticket and lose yourself in the moment. Remember that solo excursions are equally as important as collective ones. But, from personal experience, you prefer the company. Find the balance.

Detach from the numbers people keep trying to assign to measure your personhood.

Closely examine the people in your inner circle and ask them for help when you need it.

“And life is just too short to keep playing the game . . . because if you really want somebody [or something], you’ll figure it out later, or else you will just spend the rest of the night with a BlackBerry on your chest hoping it goes *vibration, vibration*” (John Mayer’s Edge of Desire) . . . so love fiercely and unapologetically.

Be specific.

Go to therapy even when life is good.