#I needed to put this somewhere
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Here's some writing for the void:
O Ares.
They call for me upon the battlefield, to paint an abstract of red. My heart aches, and at home sit my daughter and wife. I, by my lonesome, do not have the strength in neither my bones nor my heart to bring such terror to the field.
I am a simple man, with naught but a gun in my hand. I lay in the trenches, but I seldom shoot. The bangs in my head echo of the guns around, and sweat rolls down my neck and cheeks. Dirt clings to not only my uniform, but my heart and soul. I lay here for my country, yet I can not bring myself to fight.
Is it, O god of war, that deep inside my breast, where my heart lay, I do not find my women worth fighting for? I do not find my country worth it? I recognise a coward such as myself should not call upon you, yet alas I am. I know, O Ares, that you most likely do not have time for me, but I beg of you, from a man with a woman to another, from a man with a daughter to another, to give me the strength that may permit me to return home at the end.
I beg of you, O Ares, god of war, god of courage, to lend me some strength. A strength to keep my heart beating, and strength to shoot. A strength that may lend permission to my soul to keep going, and my heart to beat. And I understand if you do not wish to give such blessings to a man who can’t live on his own will alone, and I will not deny it. I am not a man who can live on his own in this time.
I believe I am a man who can survive, but I believe if I continue as I am now, I will return to my family as no more than a shell of my former self.
I ask of you, the Olympian god of war, Ares, to lend me your courage. To give me the strength to return to my wife and daughter as, if not as close as possible, to the man I left as. I am not a painter, and I have seldom wished to familiarise myself with the arts. Even now, I do not wish to. But I must.
I do not have a paint brush, nor do I have a standard canvas of white. But I do have a gun, a field of opposing men, and my own beating heart.
#greek mythology#kind of#ares#writing#i needed to put this somewhere#im not gonna write again for 3 years
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When Jesus said he loves everyone he loves queer people too. I don't get why some people find that hard to understand.
#I needed to put this somewhere#I found a youtuber preacher who preached to pride events and the comments and everything didn’t feel right at all#my rambles
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i put on my headphones
and higher up the volume
i look at my arm
the pained one
my scars are faded now
still there, less so
i look to the little black box
i know exactly what’s inside
my pain, my relief
i long for it
#tw? maybe#tw s3lf harm#i am okay#i’m like healed and stuff#but yall#girl in pieces is not for the weak#is this poetry?#Sure!#poem#poetry#this is actually cringe but#i needed to put this somewhere#daisys whimsical words#is this whimsical#no#but still
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i’ve come to a point now where i feel that i am somewhat ready to experience love, to be and fall in love, but it brings about so many different big thoughts. it’s had me thinking about what i actually have to offer in a relationship, and what i am looking for from someone else too. it’s definitely something i need to consider. i’ve been trying to keep a mental list of some of these things as they come to me.
i think i’m developing a crush on someone, and i’ve been thinking about them fondly for the last couple of days. thinking about them in a way i’ve never thought about someone before. i feel as if my insides are melting and turning to honey. god i think about their smile, how they fixed my hair in the morning after i spent the night at their place. their presence is comforting, like a blanket straight out of the dryer, or the first sip of my coffee in the morning. i catch myself hoping that maybe i cross their mind too. it’s had me in such a frenzy. it’s probably why i had that freaking crazy teeth-falling-out dream this morning!!
i can feel the mental shift taking place in me. it’s terrifying, but i’m consoled by the fact that i am becoming more to myself and to those around me.
maybe i’m looking too much into it, who knows. but one thing i do know is that i want to experience it, whether it’s with them or someone else i meet. i can’t deny it anymore.
#abi words#i needed to put this somewhere#it needed to get out of my brain#i feel like my shame around being inexperienced is lifting little by little you know? this feels really good
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Metal Sonic be like:
I am your mirror image
I move when you move
I act as you act
But when you talk I make no sound
I am not your echo
When you move away I stay in place
I am not your shadow
The people you know are not the people I know
I am not your friend
I am your mirror image
Your reflection
Your opposite
I am not you
Only a replica
Only a copy
I will never be you
#sth#metal sonic#observed readings#I was going to make this into a comic but I kept putting it off#I needed to put this somewhere#I don't think this is considered a poem#If anything this is a character analysis#character analysis
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I always feel annoying when I talk about my sexuality or gender because the environment I'm in most of the time treats being queer as the butt of a joke and something to mock and so even if I'm a safe space I feel like if I mention it I'll be seen as irritating and overbearing like I have so many good jokes but I don't want to be annoying
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Okay so happy mcm rambles incoming if you don't wanna read it just ignore
So I went to mcm London on Friday, and I loved it (except for the fact that my feet hurt but that's unimportant). I also met a new friend there! I had walked outside, looking for genshin cosplayers (because OF COURSE I was), when I met a beidou cosplayer. I was like "oh my goodness, I love your cosplay! Beidou's my favourite character! Can I have a hug and a picture?" and they were like "of course!" They were also leading the genshin meet! I was sitting next to them in the main picture, I was standing next to them and holding their arm when the others were taking group photos, I was talking to them about all sorts of genshin stuff (their favourite ship is beigguang too WOO), they even gave me their Instagram! (We're friends now :3) we also saw a ningguang cosplayer at the meet, so of course they were excited about that! I had so much fun at that meet (it was my first meet ever :3), and I hope I have that much fun at other cons!
#walmart my puffy friends#:3#malarkey :3#genshin impact#mcm london 2024#comic con#Beidou#Ningguang#Oh I was venti btw#i needed to put this somewhere#i was so happy the entire time#i also got a cute beidou print
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I’m rewatching Doctor Who with my wife and because of ✨therapy and healing my inner child/teen✨ it’s basically 2014 tumblr going on inside my head
#doctor who#david tennant#tumblr 2014#superwholock is a part of me that may never die#i needed to put this somewhere
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my roommates are making me watch s*pernatural with them and this is basically how its going so far
#supernatural#im sorry for putting this on your dash i just need to express my grief somewhere#spn#poopernatural
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Me: two days in pain again
Yesterday it was way better
Today: yay pain free
The universe/my body:
Hey, how about feeling like you haven't slept and eaten in days and like even breathing is too exhausting of a task?
Well... Thanks I guess....
#Chaos rambles#I'm so tired of all of this#The way I had started to work out again and then my body just keeps doing shit#Please just let me feel better again#Let me work out#Let me fucking breathe#I needed to put this somewhere#So sry if you're following me and forced to see this
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going through heartbreak in a polyamorous relationship is so strange. there's a weird peace to it. before i get into a new relationship at all, there's an acknowledgment that it could only be for a short time, an understanding that seats itself deep and encourages me to enjoy these moments. the start of a new partnership is always exciting, but each shimmers in their own way, shines their own light; beginning to see how the pieces of your lives fit together, feeling the budding sensation of love, learning the intricacies of another soul, just existing in their presence and needing nothing more. and suddenly, those images are flashing by as if projected on an old film screen. the resolution is low, and the picture cuts out occasionally; it becomes abundantly clear that those idle daydreams are no longer a possible future, now a mere fantasy. then follows a power struggle between acceptance and grief, alternating waves of "this was always a possibility," and "i wanted more time."
i've worked hard to feel like i have a claim to grief. early on, i'd feel shame and almost anger at myself for feeling heartbreak over losing people. after all, i have a life partner. what right have i to be upset over someone wanting the same for themself? is it not selfish to want them to want that with me? but a loss is a loss, and i'm human. i'm trying to sit with it, and feel it, and be kind to myself. it just, it hurts. it hurts that even if i can see a happy, committed non-monogamous relationship with someone, that may just not be possible for them to envision. the knowledge that someone does care for me, and that's why they feel the need to pull away, is both a comfort and a twist of the knife. no amount of pre-emptive acceptance has prepared me for this feeling, yet, and i don't think it ever will.
#personal#i needed to put this somewhere#why can't you skip the first 4 stages of grief#love#polyamory#ethical non monogamy#break up#text
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making LEAPS and BOUNDS with the feral kitten!! tonight I managed to slowly move her food onto my lap to encourage her to put her paws on me while she ate, and once that clicked, she kept kneading on my hands and my legs. I've already broken the seal w/ being able to touch her, but getting HER to touch ME seems huge, I think she's been really needing that, since I don't know how long it's been since she's been around her family. wooo progress!!! p.s. I don't have any pictures yet, bc whenever I'm with her, I'm playing a youtube video of cat purrs / trills to calm her down, and if I go to take a picture it'll pause the video. but I WILL take a picture of her soon!
#CONTEXT: she was born in our garage and we've been seeing her and her litter on-and-off ever since#we know she had at least two littermates and I've seen her mom around too#but recently she was all by herself (made her easier to catch) but I haven't seen the rest of the family (I am concerned)#obviously she misses her litter. because she's not used to being alone.#and the only way to make her comfortable is to put on a video of a mama cat trilling at her babies OR a video of a cat loudly purring#it needs to sound like there's another cat around somewhere. again. not used to being alone!#I'd like to see if I can't introduce Toby to her so she can have some feline interaction but he's kind of a cunt. so.#I'll see how I feel about that after she's continued to warm up to these new surroundings she's found herself in.#It's HUGO who truly wants to see her but I doubt a big as fuck dog is what she wants to see right now#but he's desperate to interact with her. he loves kittens.#sergle.txt
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i like someone and trying to figure out how to tell them is sending me into a nervous breakdown!! i’ve never felt this way about anyone before and i feel like there’s a dumpster fire in my brain rn. everyone is scrambling.
but at the same time it feels kind of exciting 👀 AAAAGHHHSHFHD I DONT KNOW WHAT IS HAPPENING TO MEEEE
#abi words#early morning thoughts but i’ve been having them for about a week and a half straight#🙃#i needed to put this somewhere#is this how it’s supposed to feel???
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noel babygirl please come home the kids miss you
#trying so so hard to accurately put the image I have for Noel’s design down on paper… I need to get him right…#it’s rlly hard for me bc typically my mental visuals for anything are very vague and muddy#but I think I’m definitely getting somewhere. slowly. we are making good progress!!#I like how these turned out for sure#detective noel#charlie dowd#noel finley#doodles#my art#art#malevolent
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