#I need you all to know I’m still alive | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

persnickety-doodles · 2 days

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Been doodling while studying and idk I might clean this one up 🥰

#persnickety doodles #alicia draws #lok #tlok #korrasami #I need you all to know I’m still alive #just busy #and tired #and fried #but i’m still here

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petrichormore · 1 year

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Also I just had a Thought about ElQuackity’s second death.

We know that cc!Bad really wanted q!Bad to lose a life in the explosion, and therefore to some extent q!Bad also wanted to die but…

But Bad wasn’t holding a totem like ElQuackity was and well, a totem presumably repairs any lethal damage done to its user’s body - just enough to keep them living and nothing more - so ElQuackity must’ve still been heavily injured and near deaf from being blown sky high even after popping a totem.

But Bad wasn’t holding a totem, and he also got caught in the middle of the explosion alongside ElQuackity - the difference is that none of the wounds Bad sustained healed at all. Bad survived the initial explosion on 2 hearts (which is insane) and then was attacked by ElQuackity who brought him down to half a heart - HALF A HEART - before Max finished him off. One more hit and Bad would’ve gone down, and I don’t think ElQuackity would’ve given him the chance to get back up.

Except as ElQuackity was slowly but surely killing him, Bad barely fought back. He swings his sword half-heartedly a couple times, but out of those attempts he misses quite a few.

My Thought? Maybe it wasn’t just that q!Bad wanted to sacrifice himself and that’s why he didn’t fight back as q!ElQuackity ignored q!Max in favor of trying to kill him - maybe it was because he physically couldn’t defend himself. Maybe he was too injured, maybe there was blood in his eyes and he couldn’t see. Maybe he couldn’t hear past the ringing of his ears and couldn’t think past the spinning of his head. Maybe it was all he could do to stumble backwards away from q!ElQuackity (which he does if you watch his POV - he stands there stunned in the aftermath and then turns just in time to see q!ElQuackity slam into him).

Maybe it was all he could do to just blindly call out to q!Max for help and hope he heard it.

#my headcanon is that q!Bad was okay with dying in the explosion because that’s a pretty fast and flashy death #but he wasn’t okay with being slowly beaten to death by ElQuackity in a giant crator after the fact #which is why he tries to backpedal away as elquackity is attacking him #and that’s why he screams at max ‘kill him you need to finish him’#it’s not a ‘do it max hes weak nows your chance’#it’s a ‘you need to get him off me right now because I’m about to collapse and if he’s still alive when I do he’ll murder me in seconds’#this is all just headcanon by the way i know that q!bbh did kinda intend on dying and that definitely played a factor #qsmp #qsmp analysis #q!badboyhalo #q!elquackity #qsmp elquackity #qsmp badboyhalo

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heyclickadee · 25 days

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Okay but for all we know Saw and his buddies picked Tech up (alive) on Eriadu.

#tech lives #okay actually for real despite the fact that I don’t think that necessarily happened #I would love to see Tech and Saw interact #because despite everything Saw hasn’t quite got to the “let it all burn’ stage #and like let’s say they met up later but before Tech has made it home and before anyone knows he’s alive #I can imagine Saw actually feeling kinda bad once he found out what happened #especially if there was some CX-ing involved #especially once it gets into ‘I need to find them I have a sister’#Saw: Oh no a sister that thing I’m sensitive about #Tech: She may still think I’m dead. She was watching #Saw: Oh nnnooo #Tech: She is thirteen years old #Saw: STOP I said I’d help you already #Saw’s Buddies: *shaking their heads*#Saw: Listen how was I supposed to know they brought their little sister on a mission like that #beeeccaaauuse yeah he didn’t know Omega was there he never saw her #I don’t think he even knew what happened #anyway I like Saw and I hope he and Tech meet up again because I think they’d both clash and get along in some interesting ways #(also like Tarkin is right there)

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angelnumber27 · 3 months

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It’s so embarrassing and heartbreaking being in so much pain over losing someone while knowing they don’t give a fuck if you live or die. Your favorite person becoming a stranger is a special kind of hell.

#I fucking hate having bpd #while I’m at it I don’t understand the fuckin audacity some people have to say they love you and do horrible things to you #I feel so stupid #I feel so stupid for believing all the lies #but I was so in love and put him on such a pedestal that I just allowed it all.#thinking about someone constantly and grieving over them and knowing they’re perfectly fine and to them you don’t exist #I’m still in such a state of grief and I don’t understand why time hasn’t healed #it honestly feels like it’s gotten worse w time #I just torture myself but I can’t help it my brain wants me dead #it’s so painful I feel so fucking stupid #being abandoned with no closure by someone who’s your entire world #for someone they were unfaithful to you with multiple times (I don’t even know how many and dony want to know) immediately #like that was the plan all along #he took our cat hundreds of miles away and I don’t even know if he still has her or if she’s still alive and I miss her every day #I never loved someone like that and it feels like the heartbreak is actually physically killing me #i spent 1/5 of my entire life with him #I was my prettiest and had the best body at the time and I wasted it on someone who didn’t appreciate me #not wasted. it wasn’t wasted. we had some incredible times together #I’ll never be that beautiful again #and now idk what do so bc i can’t decide which is worse: being alone and isolating or loving deeply and ending up horribly hurt all over #it’s all just so upsetting.#and I feel so stupid for allowing it all #he knows more about me than anyone and he made me feel like he loved me so much sometimes and then did horrid things and it’s so fucked up #nobody read this I’m so embarrassed and horribly broken #it traumatized me so much there was so much abuse and pain idk if I’ll ever recover #I deserved it but it still hurts my heart #I was so mentally ill and sick I know it had to have been miserable to be around me #there are so many things only he understands and knows about me and I need to talk about them I j wanna b able to b there 4 each other #but that girl is so beyond insecure and controlling so. if I want to talk to who fuckin gets me I’m just fucked #why lead someone on like that for years knowing you’re going to abandon them the second it’s convenient

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boltgunkiller-archive · 8 months

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i find it damn near impossible to get mad at santana’s behavior in 3x06 and 3x07 because i genuinely do think she had the right to be lashing out at everybody. sue me idk

#idgaf if she was mean to kurt and blaine when they were “trying to help” in IKAG #they were the first performance & santana was put under the spotlight by the guy who fully outed her to the ENTIRE STATE OF OHIO & now she #-was expected to be just happy and jolly about some bullshit lady music week to celebrate women as if that has anything to do with wtf just #-happened to her by finn’s hands & of course she was upset because she was only back in the new directions because finn basically #-blackmailed her into rejoining like hello!!! so of course she was snippy with them… and tbh i don’t even think she was being that mean.#i think she’d have reason to be even MEANER actually. that reaction of hers was completely reasonable. and honestly it must’ve hurt seeing #-two people who are meant to Get what it’s like.. participate in that? especially when the last thing she wants is her sexuality that she’s #-still very insecure with Being broadcasted. to the whole damn club. it’s already about to be shown to all of ohio with names addresses #-details about her whole personal life etc like she really didn’t need that spotlight right then she needed to have space and love and #-support… none of which she got.#also the glee writers tend to make a character do a bad thing and then have another character do an INFINITELY WORSE THING #and then they’re like “oh but. the first character was being so mean. this absolutely deplorable and wayyyy too far reaction is definitely #-justified now because that was just so mean of the first character ugh!” and basically spins what happened into showing the first characte #-as the most evil person alive??? as if that’s even remotely true.??? and yes this is about santana cause they do this w her #and quinn. a LOTTTT. like a LOT. rn i’m talking ab santana though so i won’t cover quinn sorry fabrayers… one day!#like yes santana was being mean sure whatever. but finn didn’t have an excuse IDGAF what the hell anybody says about the body shaming stuff #it was mean. yes that’s true. but i don’t think you understand how different those two things are #they’re both bad but the outing is infinitely more despicable and personal and filled with malice and it’s so much more endangering in a wa #-that can’t even be compared to the dangers of body shaming you know. like they’re completely different and the outing thing is just too #-personal and Wrong like. idk. just get that through ur head they’re both so different and finn went way too far and personal. he could’ve #-just mocked her looks if he really wanted to get back at her. mocked ANYTHING else. but he chose the worst thing you could do to somebody #who is scared and in the closet and hurting #also yes santana’s written to be rude a lot of the time but her degree of rudeness in those episodes was Overplayed and def not in characte #like it didn’t feel much like santana’s brand of meanness it was 100% the writers trying to justify finn more because they continued to #-paint finn as the good guy who chose the high road… when that couldn’t be further from the truth thanks. he didn’t choose the high road he #-completely blackmailed santana and used her to make him look good basically. so you can’t change my mind on that Def being a writer issue #and just them Hating Women. especially santana. thanks.#also this is all coming from somebody who loves finn. so. 🤣#i fuckingggg hate seeing people say santana was mean and had no right to be doing all of that in those eps.. BITCH YES SHE DID #like in other eps sure (<- nuanced topic/take) but this one? No. she was justified IDGAF. should’ve been meaner

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milflewis · 7 months

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#in a strange place today and i need to put this somewhere. i do not have a journal yet. this is it #my grandad was diagnosed with dementia years ago and the grandad i have now is often unrecognisable from the one i grew up with #and while this like isn’t fun and it is strange for him to look at me and not know me more times than he does. it has also been kind of l #lovely?#bc he thinks my granny is still alive so whenever i get to go see him i get to pretend she is too. and she is for a minute. and tho i am #glad she went before him. it is nice to say oh i’m popping in to see her after this grandad and talk about her like she’s hasn’t been gone #since i’ve been ten. my dad has spoken more to him in the last five years than he has his whole life #he was not an easy man. he was loud and friendly and hard working and funny and scary but not easy. in ways he is even #harder now. in others he is easier.#he is more of a child. this is what dementia can do to a brain. we are learning things about his childhood that no one alive has ever spoken #about. that no one knew. my dad doesn’t love him more now but he understands him better #my grandad taught me how to drive a tractor and how to fish through my dad and he has not recognised me in over a year and he #hasn’t walked since he broke his pelvis seven years ago and his muscles are nearly all gone. he is a fraction of the size he used to be. his #personality and body took up my childhood like adults on the screen in cartoons. he hasn’t dressed himself in a decade. he told one of the #nurses that after dinner he wanted ice cream plain like herself and nearly peed when she laughed and told him to fuck off #he is in there. he is himself. i know him. but he isn’t. he doesn’t know me but he allows me to tell him how to ppl he knows are doing. he #still somehow trusts me. we talk a lot about my granny and how she stayed up watching tv again last night so she’s tired today. don’t stay #long when you call in to see her?#whenever we would journey to see him and my granny and get in v late he’d ask us if we wanted apple tart and my granny would say michael.#not ur kids. u can’t parent them. he didn’t know my name yesterday but he asked me if i wanted apple tart #i hope he dies soon. for all that i will miss this. miss my dad having this. he would not want to live like this. it wouldntbe living to him

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cuteniaarts · 2 months

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Wine stains on porcelain

(Alternatively: @katkastrofa and I have created 5 OCs in 3 days and I suffer from chronic “I wanna draw the little guysssssss” disease)

#my art #artists on tumblr #the legend of korra #original characters #I have not figured out a tag system yet so for now this is all they’re getting #their names are liba and abyan and I’m very much obsessed :)#they’re the children of two of our other newest OCs. Himman and Summiya #the latter of whom just happens to be Zaheer’s older sister #but he ran away from home years before these two were born so he most likely isn’t even aware of their existence #I mean. I’m sure he suspects his sisters had children. but that’s the extent of what he knows #anyway #quite a few headcanons came to mind as I was drawing so I’m gonna type them out while I can still function #(haven’t slept for two nights in a row. I’m starting to doubt whether I’m actually alive or not)#Liba is older by about a year but once they grow up a little it’s barely noticeable and people assume they’re twins #over time they stop bothering to correct them because really. they’re so close they might as well be #they were both burn with port wine stain birthmarks on their faces. much to their mother’s dismay #she has a whole perfectionism complex and needed her children to reflect that to maintain the family image #thus they were taught how to hide the marks early on. but the powder makes them constantly sneeze #liba is very self conscious about it bc of what her mother put in her head. Abyan less so bc while he’s expected to be perfect #his future doesn’t depend on his looks. he always tries to comfort his sister whenever she spirals too deep. no matter that she’s older #when no one is around to hear he calls her Lili <3 it annoyed her at first so she dubbed him Yanyan in retaliation #but over time they both grew to love the nicknames and now use them unironically #they’re the ultimate partners in crime. their goal? gaining as much freedom from their mother as possible #and sooner or later they will manage to do so permanently. which will make Summiya fall apart. but that is currently Kat’s domain #speaking of. hi Kat. I know you’ve already seen this in pencil but look! I coloured them!!#the birthmarks were both kinda annoying and rather fun to do. maybe I’ll change them later. I was too tired to look at refs so I improvised #and there’s no detail in clothing since again. 0 energy whatsoever. but once I refine their full body designs I shall go all out #that reminds me I need to go collect my new sketchbook. might do it on the way home from the store #okay I’m getting distracted. is this my very unsubtle way of trying to influence Kat to write that Summiya fic?#maybe. maybe not. you can’t prove anything 😁

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fingertipsmp3 · 8 months

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Had a dream last night that two of my best friends came to stay with me and also Mabel was alive 🥹

#we were all tucked up in my bed with me in the middle #every time i opened my eyes one of them was like ‘omg do you need anything??’#she tried to bring me an energy drink and a glass of water. and then turned on a tv i don’t have & put on a movie with the sound down #i ‘woke up’ still in the dream and one of them was gone so i went downstairs to make the other one a hot chocolate #it was a ridiculously complicated hot chocolate. it was like the luxury hot chocolates i used to make at work #and i look round and i see mabel standing at the kitchen door patiently waiting for her lunch and i’m like ‘MABEL. BABYYY’#so i tried to let her out the patio door but the key wasn’t in the patio door and also the garden gate was open #i couldn’t find the key and i was like ‘mabel must need to pee. like. she must’#i ended up putting her on a leash (she was deaf & senile & had zero recall so couldn’t be unleashed even on the driveway)#and we were about to walk down the driveway into the garden so she could pee there and then i was going to close the gate & try to find the #patio door key. i woke up before i could do any of this or finish making the hot chocolate #i was happy but also sad that i woke up. i miss my little mabel. i miss her face #at some other point in the dream i remember seeing her half asleep in her basket and i was just like 🥺🥺🥺#i just wanted to stand there and look at her because i knew she wasn’t supposed to be there and i wanted to enjoy however long i had #with her. and that’s something i don’t think i always did when she was alive. and the guilt eats me up #she was so loved. i loved her so much. but i wish i’d given her more. i wish i’d been less annoyed by her quirks #like how she could never be let off a lead and how she used to stare at me for hours even though she didn’t want anything (had been fed #recently; wouldn’t go for a walk or play with me if i tried; wasn’t receptive to attention)#if she came back for the day and all she wanted to do was stare into my soul i would be so happy. i feel so awful for ever being annoyed #by her habits. she just wanted to know where i was 😭#personal

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whump-it-like-its-hot · 7 months

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Fuck you *gives your oc a healthy relationship to at least one parent*

#I’m giving Knut a healthy relationship with his dad and I’m having such a blast you guys don’t even know #his dad is the emotionally mature guy we all need in our lives #I just almost shat myself I’m walking home from theatre and wearing headphones and suddenly there was a huge fucking tractor right behind me #anyway #he’s an absolute unit of a guy like. like #weight lifter physique ykwim #not body builder. weight lifter #he doesn’t actually lifts weights but #he’s a blacksmith! except he doesn’t make like heavy axes and stuff #he makes jewelry and really intricate stuff #I fucjing love him lmao #huge guy who looks like he can squash you with his pinky. has the most softspoken voice out there #he’s a blacksmith. but for like jewelry #he grabs you and then he hugs you really gently and asks you if you want some of the cake his son baked because he’s really proud of him #his living room is full of pictures of his children #he knows about Knut’s issues because he’s not scared of talking to him and he even took Loki in for a while #even after Knut died he kept in contact with Loki and looked after him. made sure he was handling things okay (spoiler alert he wasn’t)#he’s a really good guy #and the biggest pro? he’s still alive #yeah what I have issues? haha why would you think that haha

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milo-is-rambling · 1 year

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I am so high I love you dabs I love you big bong rips I love you huge heavy bong I love you only having 20 dollars to my name and no plans but getting high and ignoring it I love you oh no I’m thinking about it

#I want to take an ice cold shower and scream and smoke a whole pack of cigarettes and lock myself in a closet for 72 hours in the dark with #no distractions to figure out what I actually want to do with the rest of my life and to face every bad thought I have and struggle to #ignore even years later like ugh I just need to be at the bottom of the ocean floating sinking alive dead in between for like a month and #then pull me back up and either I’ll be normal or I’ll be so fucked up they just put me back in there #like either way I am vibing at the bottom of the ocean (I have been desperately imaging a sensory deprivation tank all day)#(put me in a fucking sensory deprivation tank until something in my fucking brain rewires and I get worse or better than I am now this #inbetween stage is fucking killing me like what do you mean I’m not a horrible person but also what do you mean I struggle every day but I’m #normal but I have things about me other people don’t and alienate me to the point of near total isolation but also this is just how humans #are and I need to take meds and actively struggle to fit into a perfect little box of what a person should be like god damn I am so tired of #getting better and worse and better and worse and better and worse and better and worse and I’m miserable and I’m happy and I’m sobbing and #I know a month from now I’ll be depressed again or I’ll be the best I’ve ever been and it’s so fucking horrible to be in the middle stage #where I actually have to step up and admit shit is wrong and face it like why can’t I just lay in bed forever until I become the bed and not #like get a job and have a future. ugh. depression is so fucked esp bc most things in my life are normal I guess or like easier than my #friends like we all have seperate challenges but I’m the only one still living off their parents (ha. parent. forgot for a second.) and the #only thing wrong with my life is the mental health issues but I won’t step up and deal with it bc I feel like I’ve been depressed for so #long I like fucked up the foundational shit and like I know it’s fine but also I feel so behind and I feel like I’ll be behind and unhappy #forever even when im happy I know the next depressive episode is right around the corner and I give up again. ugh. I hate knowing that’s #what’s wrong with me but still not having the energy to step up and fix it. im so pathetic I want to cry. my brain is me but my brain is #destroying my life. anyways. im high and now im sad and have dry mouth. I think im gonna drink ice water and change into shorts+lay in bed)

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trashbatistrash · 1 year

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#hanahaki brainstorm while half asleep🤘#working on two ideas at the same time because that’s just how my adhd ass functions #platonic familial hanahaki you know I’m thinking either Bruce or Jason #(when have I thought about anyone else honestly)#getting over unrequited love hanahaki. I’m thinking one sided superbat that’ll probs bleed into hopeful future polycule potential #because I’m a sucker for both polycules and sweet endings #unrequited love being a type of mourning is literally the only way I can relate to romance unfortunately OTL #I’m a morbid motherfucker 😭#getting over unrequited love hanahaki for Jason tho #idk who he’ll have a crush on but he’s perfect for the repressing emotions thing too #unfortunately a big fan of body horror #and Jason whump so that might be a thing too #platonic familial hanahaki where it’s both Bruce and Jason struck by it #post red hood era grief and mourning #your son’s alive and love blooms painfully within your lungs but everything’s a mess and you can do nothing about it #your family doesn’t want you the way you are now parading in the skin of someone they once loved #you don’t need them don’t need (your dad) /him/ most of all #you ignore the taste of flowers and blood blooming at the back of your tongue #suffocate on the perfume of it alongside the part of you that still hopelessly pitifully loves them #unrequited love Jason with the story ending without him confessing to the person that he loves #it ends with him thinking about them and the time they spent together and that he doesn’t regret falling in love with them #it ends with him admitting his feelings to himself and getting over them #they don’t have to be entangled that way to be in each others lives and he’s more than content with that #ooof okay I think I channeled a specific type of fanon royjay for the last few tags so maybe that’s how I’ll proceed 🤔#I keep projecting qpr on royjay or just Jason in general OTL this time accidentally I must add 😭#I’ll try to brainstorm the superbat turned cloisbat one later as a challenge to myself to just remember what romance is #*slapping myself with a slipper*#ramble #fic ideas #eepy so I go sleepy for now

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scottstiles · 2 years

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i think last night tipped me a leeeetle into mania

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breakingjen · 2 years

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#so my sister her fiancé and my almost 2yo niece drove up today for the weekend #they’re staying with mom and my other sister with my 3.5yo niece came over from the neighboring city #so got to meet both of my nieces today and god how i’ve missed them #and like i told my therapist this morning - those two babies are currently the only reason i’m still alive #to which she replied you can tell how much they mean to me bc i light up when i talk about them in a way nothing else does #meeting them all again tomorrow bc my sister w/ the almost 2yo and i are going to visit the sister w/ the 3.5yo #bc our dad is coming up to their city and i haven’t seen him in two-ish years(?) or so #(neither of us can afford the travel cost + we speak on the phone sort of regularly)#it’s truly a family oriented weekend #i know i’ll be exhausted/completely drained once it’s over (no time to recover the way i need to) but it’s mostly worth it bc i love them

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cleolinda · 3 months

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AITA for banning my husband and father in law from the delivery room due to their intensely stressful/creepy behavior during my pregnancy?

There’s a famous Reddit post from 2020 where a pregnant woman wrote that her husband and father-in-law were a little too comfortable with their certainty that she was absolutely going to die in childbirth just like her husband’s late mother. It was to the point where her FIL was insisting that she go ahead and put all her clothes into storage, because she was obviously going to die in the hospital and it would save them the grief of packing up her things afterwards. Like. It was WILD.

When I tell my husband [that she feels suspicious of her FIL], he calls me paranoid, but I feel like my FIL WANTS me to die; his whole life identity for the past 35 years has been “amazing single dad” (never dated or had close friends or even hobbies really), and it seems like he’s looking forward to being able to guide my husband through what he went through. At this point, I’d honestly be happy to never see my FIL again, and I certainly don’t want him in the delivery room, especially since he told me he was “putting [his] foot down” about me not being “allowed” to have an epidural…. My husband, in addition to backing his dad on everything, acts like my due date is my death date, and has completely pulled away from me.

The commenters (and me, honestly) were convinced that the husband and FIL were either going to kill her outright to fulfill this expectation, or just make decisions about her care that might conveniently let her die.

And then she never posted again.

Over the last four years, people have frequently mentioned that post, always leading to a thread of people saying, “Oh god, I still worry about that woman.” I did too. It became one of those famous unresolved posts that people always wondered about.

Until yesterday, when someone on r/BestOfRedditorUpdates dug up a 2022 update she had posted on a different account:

TLDR; I had a beautiful and healthy baby girl, and I divorced my ex-husband. I lived, obviously.

She writes that she put her foot down about having her own mother in the delivery room rather than her FIL (!), and she WOULD be getting an epidural. Her husband lost his shit. And in his outburst, he let slip--

I admittedly lost my temper, and told him that I wasn’t going to die- it wasn’t my fault his father’s trauma wormed it’s way into his head, and that he needed to fix it without taking it out on me. He yelled at me that he didn’t need therapy. That caught me a little off guard; I asked him why he went to his therapist and was given advice about my death if he felt he didn’t need it. His expression gave it away, and he caved not long after. It turns out there was no therapist. It was just his dad. During the times he was supposed to be at therapy, he was with his dad. I’m still fuming.

And that was when she got the fuck out.

I’ll wrap this up- I’ve got an adorable little toddler tugging at my leg atm. I’m alive, I’m happy, and I’ve got my baby in my arms. Life is good.

I truly never thought we'd see a resolution to this, and I feel like there's probably a good number of people who remember it, so I thought you might want to know.

ETA: Brilliantly, I put the link in at the top; here it is again for convenience.

#reddit #cw pregnancy #cw maternal mortality #updates #spoiler: good update #long post

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bfpierce · 23 days

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#life is hell btw.#like sorry I’m being miserable this is a fandom blog lol but like #accepting my brother is alive but I’ll never really get to be with him again has been rough idk #and that’s just the latest thing there’s so much going on right now i don’t even know where to begin #i guess the thing is that with my brother he’s the only person in my family who likes me #like he’s the only one who really cares about me and tells me that and shows me that #no one else really likes me because I’m weird and hard to be around and stuff but my brother loves me #and he’s been struggling for years we both have but he’s had addiction problems and helping him has been hard but he was doing so well #and it’s hard to explain but it gets to a point where you can’t force help on them yknow #so you just have to resort to mourning while they’re still alive #I’m sorry i know that’s evil but there’s only so much i can do and I’ve done it all #I’ve been mourning him for years and now I’m mourning again #and i just feel awful #and i know it’s selfish to think this but my birthday is next week and it’s like he’s the only one who spends the day with me #my family will always have dinner with me and stuff but my brother knows i have no friends and it makes me sad being alone on my birthday #and he’s ALWAYS made an effort to be there on my birthday and spend the day with me no matter what #and now he’s in jail and will be in prison probably for the rest of my life #idk and really this is just one of many catastrophic things going on in my life i just need a break #and my breaks are immersing myself into my books and shows and movies #so thank you everyone for all the work you’ve been producing lately i know ot sounds silly but getting to come home and read your guys fics #and look at all of your art or even just reading your posts takes away so much of my stress and feeling of impending doom and helplessness #idk i just wanted to say I appreciate you all so much #please like if you read this though i can’t really talk about this stuff with anyone i just need to be heard

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cuteniaarts · 5 months

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Fanny, my sweet, beautiful girl

17.11.2012 – 14.04.2019

#my art #artists on tumblr #I cannot accept that it has been 5 years already #I know covid messed with everyone’s sense of time but it simultaneously feels so much longer and so much shorter than that #exactly five years ago I was holding onto my mom for dear life and sobbing as we watched lilo and stitch together #not the best movie to watch when you’ve just lost your first ever pet you know #and then I cried myself to sleep at the next morning we never mentioned her again #I know it’s because it was way too painful for everyone involved. but I do wish I was allowed to process that grief properly #instead of bottling it up and pretending everything was okay until I was reminded of her #feeling like my heart was being shattered over and over again every single time #well anyway. enough of that. I’ve allowed myself a nice long cry today and got most of it out of my system #and once I was feeling okay I decided to draw her #and I can count the number of times I’ve drawn animals on one hand so.. I’m not too sure about the result #but it felt like to commemorate her in some way.#so yeah. here she is. my dear girl. the best dog in existence. she was always so affectionate and kind #which I didn’t always appreciate bc of how young I was. when you’re a kid it feels like pets will live forever #never barked. never bit anyone. her only crime was chewing on my mlp and lps toys that I left out on the floor #but I’m grateful she did that. it taught me not to leave my toys lying around and to clean up after myself #she really was taken from me way too soon. ideally she could still be alive right now. but I’ve been down the road of guilt and regret #there was nothing I could do. I was a child. I can only hope that she knew she was loved right until the very end #even if I didn’t know how to show it properly. and great. now I’m tearing up again #I suppose it’s unavoidable. April 12th will always be a melancholy day. and maybe that’s not such a bad thing #it’s good to have a day when I can freely remember her and cry if I need to. it’s healthy. it’s better than crying every day #she never liked it much when I cried. always tried to comfort me. that’s the kind of dog she was. I miss her so much #when I move apartments and get a dog of my own I’m getting a spaniel. just like she was #well. maybe a different colour so I don’t end up sobbing every time I look at it. but spaniels really are the perfect breed #I mean. cavaliers especially were bred for love and warmth. that’s just what I need. it will be nice to have someone waiting for me at home #and while I don’t necessarily believe in the afterlife… I do hope that Fanny’s watching over me #spiritually comforting me when I feel all alone in the world. it’s a nice thought for sure #and hopefully she won’t mind me getting another spaniel too much. it will be done in her honour after all. to make up for my past mistakes

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