#I need you all to know I’m still alive
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Been doodling while studying and idk I might clean this one up 🥰
#persnickety doodles#alicia draws#lok#tlok#korrasami#I need you all to know I’m still alive#just busy#and tired#and fried#but i’m still here
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Okay but for all we know Saw and his buddies picked Tech up (alive) on Eriadu.
#tech lives#okay actually for real despite the fact that I don’t think that necessarily happened#I would love to see Tech and Saw interact#because despite everything Saw hasn’t quite got to the “let it all burn’ stage#and like let’s say they met up later but before Tech has made it home and before anyone knows he’s alive#I can imagine Saw actually feeling kinda bad once he found out what happened#especially if there was some CX-ing involved#especially once it gets into ‘I need to find them I have a sister’#Saw: Oh no a sister that thing I’m sensitive about#Tech: She may still think I’m dead. She was watching#Saw: Oh nnnooo#Tech: She is thirteen years old#Saw: STOP I said I’d help you already#Saw’s Buddies: *shaking their heads*#Saw: Listen how was I supposed to know they brought their little sister on a mission like that#beeeccaaauuse yeah he didn’t know Omega was there he never saw her#I don’t think he even knew what happened#anyway I like Saw and I hope he and Tech meet up again because I think they’d both clash and get along in some interesting ways#(also like Tarkin is right there)
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It’s so embarrassing and heartbreaking being in so much pain over losing someone while knowing they don’t give a fuck if you live or die. Your favorite person becoming a stranger is a special kind of hell.
#I fucking hate having bpd#while I’m at it I don’t understand the fuckin audacity some people have to say they love you and do horrible things to you#I feel so stupid#I feel so stupid for believing all the lies#but I was so in love and put him on such a pedestal that I just allowed it all.#thinking about someone constantly and grieving over them and knowing they’re perfectly fine and to them you don’t exist#I’m still in such a state of grief and I don’t understand why time hasn’t healed#it honestly feels like it’s gotten worse w time#I just torture myself but I can’t help it my brain wants me dead#it’s so painful I feel so fucking stupid#being abandoned with no closure by someone who’s your entire world#for someone they were unfaithful to you with multiple times (I don’t even know how many and dony want to know) immediately#like that was the plan all along#he took our cat hundreds of miles away and I don’t even know if he still has her or if she’s still alive and I miss her every day#I never loved someone like that and it feels like the heartbreak is actually physically killing me#i spent 1/5 of my entire life with him#I was my prettiest and had the best body at the time and I wasted it on someone who didn’t appreciate me#not wasted. it wasn’t wasted. we had some incredible times together#I’ll never be that beautiful again#and now idk what do so bc i can’t decide which is worse: being alone and isolating or loving deeply and ending up horribly hurt all over#it’s all just so upsetting.#and I feel so stupid for allowing it all#he knows more about me than anyone and he made me feel like he loved me so much sometimes and then did horrid things and it’s so fucked up#nobody read this I’m so embarrassed and horribly broken#it traumatized me so much there was so much abuse and pain idk if I’ll ever recover#I deserved it but it still hurts my heart#I was so mentally ill and sick I know it had to have been miserable to be around me#there are so many things only he understands and knows about me and I need to talk about them I j wanna b able to b there 4 each other#but that girl is so beyond insecure and controlling so. if I want to talk to who fuckin gets me I’m just fucked#why lead someone on like that for years knowing you’re going to abandon them the second it’s convenient
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Also I just had a Thought about ElQuackity’s second death.
We know that cc!Bad really wanted q!Bad to lose a life in the explosion, and therefore to some extent q!Bad also wanted to die but…
But Bad wasn’t holding a totem like ElQuackity was and well, a totem presumably repairs any lethal damage done to its user’s body - just enough to keep them living and nothing more - so ElQuackity must’ve still been heavily injured and near deaf from being blown sky high even after popping a totem.
But Bad wasn’t holding a totem, and he also got caught in the middle of the explosion alongside ElQuackity - the difference is that none of the wounds Bad sustained healed at all. Bad survived the initial explosion on 2 hearts (which is insane) and then was attacked by ElQuackity who brought him down to half a heart - HALF A HEART - before Max finished him off. One more hit and Bad would’ve gone down, and I don’t think ElQuackity would’ve given him the chance to get back up.
Except as ElQuackity was slowly but surely killing him, Bad barely fought back. He swings his sword half-heartedly a couple times, but out of those attempts he misses quite a few.
My Thought? Maybe it wasn’t just that q!Bad wanted to sacrifice himself and that’s why he didn’t fight back as q!ElQuackity ignored q!Max in favor of trying to kill him - maybe it was because he physically couldn’t defend himself. Maybe he was too injured, maybe there was blood in his eyes and he couldn’t see. Maybe he couldn’t hear past the ringing of his ears and couldn’t think past the spinning of his head. Maybe it was all he could do to stumble backwards away from q!ElQuackity (which he does if you watch his POV - he stands there stunned in the aftermath and then turns just in time to see q!ElQuackity slam into him).
Maybe it was all he could do to just blindly call out to q!Max for help and hope he heard it.
#my headcanon is that q!Bad was okay with dying in the explosion because that’s a pretty fast and flashy death#but he wasn’t okay with being slowly beaten to death by ElQuackity in a giant crator after the fact#which is why he tries to backpedal away as elquackity is attacking him#and that’s why he screams at max ‘kill him you need to finish him’#it’s not a ‘do it max hes weak nows your chance’#it’s a ‘you need to get him off me right now because I’m about to collapse and if he’s still alive when I do he’ll murder me in seconds’#this is all just headcanon by the way i know that q!bbh did kinda intend on dying and that definitely played a factor#qsmp#qsmp analysis#q!badboyhalo#q!elquackity#qsmp elquackity#qsmp badboyhalo
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Me, yesterday: Yeah I’m gonna draw out a family tree and pick names for Jia’s family bc if we’re gonna develop the storyline of Aiza moving in with them it will be useful. Just names though, nothing more
Me, not even 24 hours later: I have BACKSTORIES I have PERSONALITIES I’m going to BUILD A HOUSE IN THE SIMS FOR THEM
#genuinely. send help#you know. last year we officially doubled our OC count. went from 24 to 48#and when I found that out I went ‘oh haha imagine if we could double it next year too’#AND I MEANT THAT AS A JOKE#A. JOKE.#but apparently I should have learned by now that there’s no such thing as jokes in this multiverse#so um. yeah. guess who has 24 new OCs now#seriously. it took. originally. 9 years to create the first 24#then one year to create the next 24#and this 24? a day. a fucking day#good fucking god#I’m gonna hold off on adding them to the official OC roster until they’re fully developed but still#fucking hell#I’m hoping we’ll tackle Midori’s adoptive kids soon which will leave us with only 21 OCs needed to double the number#and I genuinely think it’s possible to pull it off#but let’s not get ahead of ourselves just yet#let’s take it one multiverse branch at a time. okay?#for the record. I’m not complaining#I feel like more OCs make the world itself feel more alive. characters having families makes them more than cardboard cutouts-#-who randomly soawned into existence. I’m happy with this development#just.. a bit shocked. that’s all#now excuse me. I have to go figure out how to fit 25 people into one house#Kat and Nia and their multiverse of madness
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Wine stains on porcelain
(Alternatively: @katkastrofa and I have created 5 OCs in 3 days and I suffer from chronic “I wanna draw the little guysssssss” disease)
#my art#artists on tumblr#the legend of korra#original characters#I have not figured out a tag system yet so for now this is all they’re getting#their names are liba and abyan and I’m very much obsessed :)#they’re the children of two of our other newest OCs. Himman and Summiya#the latter of whom just happens to be Zaheer’s older sister#but he ran away from home years before these two were born so he most likely isn’t even aware of their existence#I mean. I’m sure he suspects his sisters had children. but that’s the extent of what he knows#anyway#quite a few headcanons came to mind as I was drawing so I’m gonna type them out while I can still function#(haven’t slept for two nights in a row. I’m starting to doubt whether I’m actually alive or not)#Liba is older by about a year but once they grow up a little it’s barely noticeable and people assume they’re twins#over time they stop bothering to correct them because really. they’re so close they might as well be#they were both burn with port wine stain birthmarks on their faces. much to their mother’s dismay#she has a whole perfectionism complex and needed her children to reflect that to maintain the family image#thus they were taught how to hide the marks early on. but the powder makes them constantly sneeze#liba is very self conscious about it bc of what her mother put in her head. Abyan less so bc while he’s expected to be perfect#his future doesn’t depend on his looks. he always tries to comfort his sister whenever she spirals too deep. no matter that she’s older#when no one is around to hear he calls her Lili <3 it annoyed her at first so she dubbed him Yanyan in retaliation#but over time they both grew to love the nicknames and now use them unironically#they’re the ultimate partners in crime. their goal? gaining as much freedom from their mother as possible#and sooner or later they will manage to do so permanently. which will make Summiya fall apart. but that is currently Kat’s domain#speaking of. hi Kat. I know you’ve already seen this in pencil but look! I coloured them!!#the birthmarks were both kinda annoying and rather fun to do. maybe I’ll change them later. I was too tired to look at refs so I improvised#and there’s no detail in clothing since again. 0 energy whatsoever. but once I refine their full body designs I shall go all out#that reminds me I need to go collect my new sketchbook. might do it on the way home from the store#okay I’m getting distracted. is this my very unsubtle way of trying to influence Kat to write that Summiya fic?#maybe. maybe not. you can’t prove anything 😁
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pertaining to the idea of tenax’s band of strays i do think it’s touching that the kids are the ones who saved him and waited outside the door to make sure he’s okay. for all tenax claims to be harsh and cruel it’s a fine indicator of his character that the kids won’t rest without him and are there every time he’s in danger.
#AND I CAN’T FUCKING BELIEVE I HAD THEM STEALING THEIR WAY OMTO#THE PLATFORMS WHAT DO YOU MEANNNNNNN oh i love being right#also that all the kids are there watching when he kills the guy whose name i forget because i simply cannot hold names in my brain but the#evil one. who i was like oh thank GOD he died i was so sick of this plot he kept killing everyone & i screeched when he almost got claudia#something something calla saying ‘you’re not a child anymore’ about tenax’s cruelty to the brothers (which in my twisted narratives. sorry.#there’s only one scorpus who KNEW the child tenax was. the child he’s still healing and caring for. all of the children whose eyes he looks#into and sees a hurt that’s just like his? the children tenax saved whether he’ll admit it or not? scorpus saved him. and that’s all)#(also this is a terrible thing to say i knew it about but like. oh i knew it about the master of the house. tenax making sure NO ONE#touches the kids or does anything with them really but Claudia and him—the people he trusts which also now includes calla but he makes sure#it’s someone he knows. also do we have a claudia backstory??? or would i just get to invent a reason why she’s there and what she’s doing#and why she’s so loyal to tenax. did she also see the child he was and that’s why she’s so protective of him but also why she gets along#with calla so well because the two of them see how he’s festered in that. like calla fully has the rights here i think she should rip him a#new one for his lack of decency and good qualities he can be corrupt without being cruel y’know. and he should be called out on his#peter pan ass behavior you’re not a child!! there are such consequences!!! dream a little bigger a little kinder!!! change the dream you#made up with scorpus when you were a young angry teenager and make it fit who you are NOW. the life you want NOW not the life you thought#you should have & deserved. what did you learn from growing up. what changed. what do you need now & what do you want. not the same things#and i too wish that this was 30k and covered their entire backstory#BUT IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION of i also need it to be 100k canon-divergent (presumably. i’m only through episode eight. but i can’t imagine#that they will follow the plot EYE would write because they need to have a second season & you can’t have that without conflict which means#titus overthrown scorpus is gonna die metaphorically or literally etc etc the gold faction in shambles but technically triumphant with#domitian on the throne and tenax in a position of patrician power accepted into their society but still not equal and happy. whereas lmao#domitian you’re getting shipped off to some other city because your plot to overthrow titus failed and yet he is merciful enough he won’t#kill you he just sends you and hermes together (at which point over the months long journey you forgive and re-learn each other bc titus#didn’t know of the betrayal he thought it would be kind to send your (ex-)lover with you. do we see how this works perfectly) & tenax falls#back into the underworld where he now knows he belongs because blood is everything except when it isn’t. when he realizes what he has is#worth more. no matter if the blood he has is tainted or patrician the blood oath he swore with scorpus iron on their tongues means more.#calla’s split lip defending him and their winnings. kwaame’s blood on the hard packed sand of the arena fighting to stay alive and to come#home to them. the fire in aura’s cheeks when she laughs at ivy. SURPRISEEEE EVERY NARRATIVE IS A FOUND FAMILY I GUESS IT SPRUNG ON ME TOO.#and tenax doesn’t mind a little dirt and bribery every now and then. doesn’t aspire to former heights and shining brilliant out of shadows.#the gaudiness of gold &flash of fools’ dreams. YES CAN I FINALLY PLS GET MY BLACK FACTION TO REPLACE THE ILL-FATED GOLD THATLL COLLAPSE W/D
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i found loads of pictures of my uncle i am going 2 cry
#he looked so sweet…..he looks SO much like my dad#i found the last picture of him that my granddad took a month or so before he died it’s so sad#trying to decide if i should tell my mum that i know about him or if i should just keep it to myself#idk if somethings wrong with me maybe it’s because i was already grieving before i found out#but it’s really getting 2 me i can’t concentrate on my uni shit i just keep thinking about it#i think i rlly need to talk about it with someone but i have no idea who or how or what i’d say. but it’s weird because it’s a secret yk#like i’m not even supposed to know he existed#idk. i have a gender clinic appointment next week and i’m going to ask if they can recommend any therapists#me being very very brave and trying therapy again after being forced into it my whole life and ending up a bit traumatised#idk. i feel bad that i’m alive and i’m wasting my life when my uncle got killed when he was just a kid#it makes me feel like i should be more grateful and do more with myself.#and i am going to try but i’d rather he was here instead. same with my granddad#every time i experience something beautiful or good i wish my granddad could experience it because he deserved it more than me#and the best i can do is experience it for him and be grateful. but i would chance places instantly if i could#him and his kid deserve to be here they were so special. i know i don’t know his kid but i’ve heard they were similar#so i know he must have been special too#i found a fb comment today from a family friend i’ve never met and she was saying that she only met my granddad once#but she called him gentle and it made me cry. because he was very scottish and sweary and traditional and masculine#so everyone just assumed he was tough and scary but if you knew him he was really quiet and kind#and i’m glad someone who only met him once could see that#i’m going to be half asleep for the rest of my life i think. i’ve been dreaming since my granddad died and i don’t feel like i ever woke up#nothing has felt real since i was nine years old. everything just stopped and never started again#i’ve just been waiting. i’m waiting for him to change his mind and come back. idk. i don’t know what to do with myself#and i continuously feel fucking insane and stupid for being this way. it’s like fresh grief all the fucking time#but it was fifteen years ago. why does it still feel this way#i can’t even tell people because they won’t understand why i’m still so bothered by it#he was my parent for nine years. i lived with him he was my sole caretaker#i was nonverbal and him and my brother were the only people on the planet who knew what my voice sounded like#he’d think it was silly if i failed my exam because i was crying about him instead#he’d tell me to whisht and stick in. so i will
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#in a strange place today and i need to put this somewhere. i do not have a journal yet. this is it#my grandad was diagnosed with dementia years ago and the grandad i have now is often unrecognisable from the one i grew up with#and while this like isn’t fun and it is strange for him to look at me and not know me more times than he does. it has also been kind of l#lovely?#bc he thinks my granny is still alive so whenever i get to go see him i get to pretend she is too. and she is for a minute. and tho i am#glad she went before him. it is nice to say oh i’m popping in to see her after this grandad and talk about her like she’s hasn’t been gone#since i’ve been ten. my dad has spoken more to him in the last five years than he has his whole life#he was not an easy man. he was loud and friendly and hard working and funny and scary but not easy. in ways he is even#harder now. in others he is easier.#he is more of a child. this is what dementia can do to a brain. we are learning things about his childhood that no one alive has ever spoken#about. that no one knew. my dad doesn’t love him more now but he understands him better#my grandad taught me how to drive a tractor and how to fish through my dad and he has not recognised me in over a year and he#hasn’t walked since he broke his pelvis seven years ago and his muscles are nearly all gone. he is a fraction of the size he used to be. his#personality and body took up my childhood like adults on the screen in cartoons. he hasn’t dressed himself in a decade. he told one of the#nurses that after dinner he wanted ice cream plain like herself and nearly peed when she laughed and told him to fuck off#he is in there. he is himself. i know him. but he isn’t. he doesn’t know me but he allows me to tell him how to ppl he knows are doing. he#still somehow trusts me. we talk a lot about my granny and how she stayed up watching tv again last night so she’s tired today. don’t stay#long when you call in to see her?#whenever we would journey to see him and my granny and get in v late he’d ask us if we wanted apple tart and my granny would say michael.#not ur kids. u can’t parent them. he didn’t know my name yesterday but he asked me if i wanted apple tart#i hope he dies soon. for all that i will miss this. miss my dad having this. he would not want to live like this. it wouldntbe living to him
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Fuck you *gives your oc a healthy relationship to at least one parent*
#I’m giving Knut a healthy relationship with his dad and I’m having such a blast you guys don’t even know#his dad is the emotionally mature guy we all need in our lives#I just almost shat myself I’m walking home from theatre and wearing headphones and suddenly there was a huge fucking tractor right behind me#anyway#he’s an absolute unit of a guy like. like#weight lifter physique ykwim#not body builder. weight lifter#he doesn’t actually lifts weights but#he’s a blacksmith! except he doesn’t make like heavy axes and stuff#he makes jewelry and really intricate stuff#I fucjing love him lmao#huge guy who looks like he can squash you with his pinky. has the most softspoken voice out there#he’s a blacksmith. but for like jewelry#he grabs you and then he hugs you really gently and asks you if you want some of the cake his son baked because he’s really proud of him#his living room is full of pictures of his children#he knows about Knut’s issues because he’s not scared of talking to him and he even took Loki in for a while#even after Knut died he kept in contact with Loki and looked after him. made sure he was handling things okay (spoiler alert he wasn’t)#he’s a really good guy#and the biggest pro? he’s still alive#yeah what I have issues? haha why would you think that haha
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I am so high I love you dabs I love you big bong rips I love you huge heavy bong I love you only having 20 dollars to my name and no plans but getting high and ignoring it I love you oh no I’m thinking about it
#I want to take an ice cold shower and scream and smoke a whole pack of cigarettes and lock myself in a closet for 72 hours in the dark with#no distractions to figure out what I actually want to do with the rest of my life and to face every bad thought I have and struggle to#ignore even years later like ugh I just need to be at the bottom of the ocean floating sinking alive dead in between for like a month and#then pull me back up and either I’ll be normal or I’ll be so fucked up they just put me back in there#like either way I am vibing at the bottom of the ocean (I have been desperately imaging a sensory deprivation tank all day)#(put me in a fucking sensory deprivation tank until something in my fucking brain rewires and I get worse or better than I am now this#inbetween stage is fucking killing me like what do you mean I’m not a horrible person but also what do you mean I struggle every day but I’m#normal but I have things about me other people don’t and alienate me to the point of near total isolation but also this is just how humans#are and I need to take meds and actively struggle to fit into a perfect little box of what a person should be like god damn I am so tired of#getting better and worse and better and worse and better and worse and better and worse and I’m miserable and I’m happy and I’m sobbing and#I know a month from now I’ll be depressed again or I’ll be the best I’ve ever been and it’s so fucking horrible to be in the middle stage#where I actually have to step up and admit shit is wrong and face it like why can’t I just lay in bed forever until I become the bed and not#like get a job and have a future. ugh. depression is so fucked esp bc most things in my life are normal I guess or like easier than my#friends like we all have seperate challenges but I’m the only one still living off their parents (ha. parent. forgot for a second.) and the#only thing wrong with my life is the mental health issues but I won’t step up and deal with it bc I feel like I’ve been depressed for so#long I like fucked up the foundational shit and like I know it’s fine but also I feel so behind and I feel like I’ll be behind and unhappy#forever even when im happy I know the next depressive episode is right around the corner and I give up again. ugh. I hate knowing that’s#what’s wrong with me but still not having the energy to step up and fix it. im so pathetic I want to cry. my brain is me but my brain is#destroying my life. anyways. im high and now im sad and have dry mouth. I think im gonna drink ice water and change into shorts+lay in bed)
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,
#hanahaki brainstorm while half asleep🤘#working on two ideas at the same time because that’s just how my adhd ass functions#platonic familial hanahaki you know I’m thinking either Bruce or Jason#(when have I thought about anyone else honestly)#getting over unrequited love hanahaki. I’m thinking one sided superbat that’ll probs bleed into hopeful future polycule potential#because I’m a sucker for both polycules and sweet endings#unrequited love being a type of mourning is literally the only way I can relate to romance unfortunately OTL#I’m a morbid motherfucker 😭#getting over unrequited love hanahaki for Jason tho#idk who he’ll have a crush on but he’s perfect for the repressing emotions thing too#unfortunately a big fan of body horror#and Jason whump so that might be a thing too#platonic familial hanahaki where it’s both Bruce and Jason struck by it#post red hood era grief and mourning#your son’s alive and love blooms painfully within your lungs but everything’s a mess and you can do nothing about it#your family doesn’t want you the way you are now parading in the skin of someone they once loved#you don’t need them don’t need (your dad) /him/ most of all#you ignore the taste of flowers and blood blooming at the back of your tongue#suffocate on the perfume of it alongside the part of you that still hopelessly pitifully loves them#unrequited love Jason with the story ending without him confessing to the person that he loves#it ends with him thinking about them and the time they spent together and that he doesn’t regret falling in love with them#it ends with him admitting his feelings to himself and getting over them#they don’t have to be entangled that way to be in each others lives and he’s more than content with that#ooof okay I think I channeled a specific type of fanon royjay for the last few tags so maybe that’s how I’ll proceed 🤔#I keep projecting qpr on royjay or just Jason in general OTL this time accidentally I must add 😭#I’ll try to brainstorm the superbat turned cloisbat one later as a challenge to myself to just remember what romance is#*slapping myself with a slipper*#ramble#fic ideas#eepy so I go sleepy for now
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do you ever feel like you’re dying from disuse
#idk im so sleepy and i just woke up a few hours ago after sleeping all day I’ve been sleeping so much im so tired my body doesn’t feel like#it’s gonna keep on living it feels like it’s gonna go to sleep and eventually stop working from that#I’m just so tired. i know im sick and i know i have fatigue but it feels so tired and i want to keep living#I don’t even have the energy to watch tv it hurts too bad from how much you have to process and pay attention and my head is tired I don’t w#want to have to look up im so tired#my legs feel half asleep in the way they do when you wake up and your senses are still returning. I want to be able to take a run around the#block and get a stitch in my side and be out of breath and feel my heart thundering in my chest but right now the thought of doing so sends#a buzzing feeling throughout my body but not very much in my legs bc they are sleeping#im just so tired and i want so much to be alive and live and keep living#im probably sick so im feeling this way but it’s something i feel a lot too#im so tired and I want to be free#and I feel like one day after I sleep and sleep and sleep I’ll finally shut down and I’ll feel tired and accept death thinking im just going#to sleep#maybe it’s the overdose trauma talking bc what kept me alive then was the recognition that if I went to sleep I could die and being so tired#like this reminds me of that drugged urge to close my eyes and drift away#I need to go on a run when I get better#breathe in the air and the trees and the liquid feeling of cold and body heat and running#I just need to feel alive and not drugged and sedated#but I need sleep right now and I need to convince myself it’s okay and I’ll still be okay in the morning and won’t sink closer to death#personal#vent
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nothing like a day of almost passing out since the moment you wake up because it’s extremely hot and you have to do housework
#lemon man talks#I’m gonna throw up#I couldn’t even have breakfast I had to go straight to cooking#If I step into the kitchen I’m actually gonna pass out I have low pressure problems#Also had to do laundry dishes and set the table yipee#And my brother is. Playing roblox. Very helpful.#He’s fully capable of at least taking his dirty laundry to the washing machine but nooo he throws everything into his chair and i have to#Sort through a disgusting clothing pile to figure out what’s clean and what’s dirty AND take it to the machine#And my parents just let him do whatever while giving me more orders and well let’s just say I haven’t had a single day off since summer#Break started#And I’m going on a big trip soon!! For studying!! In like a few days in fact!!#My grandma is here visiting so she’s sleeping in my room and I have to sleep with my fucking brother!!!#I can’t do anything and I had to move all my things and clean my room for my grandma to spend 3 days there!!!!! I’m ok#I’ve been having the worst 3 years of my life but whatever I don’t need a break who needs a break#I had to listen to my mom discuss why people shouldn’t get medication yesterday at lunch. I hate it here.#I can’t even get a diagnosis and now i know that if I did get it I wouldn’t be able to get medication. Rejoice!#Yesterday I joked about my mom changing my name legally to something stupid like tangerine and my father said “there won’t be a change whil#I’m still alive” fuck you if you don’t die then I’m killing you with hammers I hate you so much you’ve destroyed my life already thanks#Well this was. A rant#Byesies
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AITA for banning my husband and father in law from the delivery room due to their intensely stressful/creepy behavior during my pregnancy?
There’s a famous Reddit post from 2020 where a pregnant woman wrote that her husband and father-in-law were a little too comfortable with their certainty that she was absolutely going to die in childbirth just like her husband’s late mother. It was to the point where her FIL was insisting that she go ahead and put all her clothes into storage, because she was obviously going to die in the hospital and it would save them the grief of packing up her things afterwards. Like. It was WILD.
When I tell my husband [that she feels suspicious of her FIL], he calls me paranoid, but I feel like my FIL WANTS me to die; his whole life identity for the past 35 years has been “amazing single dad” (never dated or had close friends or even hobbies really), and it seems like he’s looking forward to being able to guide my husband through what he went through. At this point, I’d honestly be happy to never see my FIL again, and I certainly don’t want him in the delivery room, especially since he told me he was “putting [his] foot down” about me not being “allowed” to have an epidural…. My husband, in addition to backing his dad on everything, acts like my due date is my death date, and has completely pulled away from me.
The commenters (and me, honestly) were convinced that the husband and FIL were either going to kill her outright to fulfill this expectation, or just make decisions about her care that might conveniently let her die.
And then she never posted again.
Over the last four years, people have frequently mentioned that post, always leading to a thread of people saying, “Oh god, I still worry about that woman.” I did too. It became one of those famous unresolved posts that people always wondered about.
Until yesterday, when someone on r/BestOfRedditorUpdates dug up a 2022 update she had posted on a different account:
TLDR; I had a beautiful and healthy baby girl, and I divorced my ex-husband. I lived, obviously.
She writes that she put her foot down about having her own mother in the delivery room rather than her FIL (!), and she WOULD be getting an epidural. Her husband lost his shit. And in his outburst, he let slip--
I admittedly lost my temper, and told him that I wasn’t going to die- it wasn’t my fault his father’s trauma wormed it’s way into his head, and that he needed to fix it without taking it out on me. He yelled at me that he didn’t need therapy. That caught me a little off guard; I asked him why he went to his therapist and was given advice about my death if he felt he didn’t need it. His expression gave it away, and he caved not long after. It turns out there was no therapist. It was just his dad. During the times he was supposed to be at therapy, he was with his dad. I’m still fuming.
And that was when she got the fuck out.
I’ll wrap this up- I’ve got an adorable little toddler tugging at my leg atm. I’m alive, I’m happy, and I’ve got my baby in my arms. Life is good.
I truly never thought we'd see a resolution to this, and I feel like there's probably a good number of people who remember it, so I thought you might want to know.
ETA: Brilliantly, I put the link in at the top; here it is again for convenience.
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Fanny, my sweet, beautiful girl
17.11.2012 – 14.04.2019
#my art#artists on tumblr#I cannot accept that it has been 5 years already#I know covid messed with everyone’s sense of time but it simultaneously feels so much longer and so much shorter than that#exactly five years ago I was holding onto my mom for dear life and sobbing as we watched lilo and stitch together#not the best movie to watch when you’ve just lost your first ever pet you know#and then I cried myself to sleep at the next morning we never mentioned her again#I know it’s because it was way too painful for everyone involved. but I do wish I was allowed to process that grief properly#instead of bottling it up and pretending everything was okay until I was reminded of her#feeling like my heart was being shattered over and over again every single time#well anyway. enough of that. I’ve allowed myself a nice long cry today and got most of it out of my system#and once I was feeling okay I decided to draw her#and I can count the number of times I’ve drawn animals on one hand so.. I’m not too sure about the result#but it felt like to commemorate her in some way.#so yeah. here she is. my dear girl. the best dog in existence. she was always so affectionate and kind#which I didn’t always appreciate bc of how young I was. when you’re a kid it feels like pets will live forever#never barked. never bit anyone. her only crime was chewing on my mlp and lps toys that I left out on the floor#but I’m grateful she did that. it taught me not to leave my toys lying around and to clean up after myself#she really was taken from me way too soon. ideally she could still be alive right now. but I’ve been down the road of guilt and regret#there was nothing I could do. I was a child. I can only hope that she knew she was loved right until the very end#even if I didn’t know how to show it properly. and great. now I’m tearing up again#I suppose it’s unavoidable. April 12th will always be a melancholy day. and maybe that’s not such a bad thing#it’s good to have a day when I can freely remember her and cry if I need to. it’s healthy. it’s better than crying every day#she never liked it much when I cried. always tried to comfort me. that’s the kind of dog she was. I miss her so much#when I move apartments and get a dog of my own I’m getting a spaniel. just like she was#well. maybe a different colour so I don’t end up sobbing every time I look at it. but spaniels really are the perfect breed#I mean. cavaliers especially were bred for love and warmth. that’s just what I need. it will be nice to have someone waiting for me at home#and while I don’t necessarily believe in the afterlife… I do hope that Fanny’s watching over me#spiritually comforting me when I feel all alone in the world. it’s a nice thought for sure#and hopefully she won’t mind me getting another spaniel too much. it will be done in her honour after all. to make up for my past mistakes
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