#I need trauma or fear or anger to force it out of them bc they can’t hold it in anymore
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
Text
If we don’t get a S8 scene where Buck is trapped and on the verge of death and Eddie just completely panics and rushes right in with absolutely no regard for protocol or his own safety or anything else, and is shaking with tears rolling down his cheeks while he tries to resuscitate him, and later Buck is in the hospital and he’s reprimanding Eddie for risking himself to save him and going “I’m not worth you endangering yourself” and Eddie just loses it and yells that he’d rather have died trying to get Buck out than do nothing because he can’t live without Buck, then I don’t want it.
#I need ANGST I need DRAMA I need TEARS#the love confession needs to be PAINFUL#I need trauma or fear or anger to force it out of them bc they can’t hold it in anymore#buddie#evan buckley#eddie diaz#buck x eddie#gay firefighter show#911#the 118
41 notes
·
View notes
Text
I am about to infodump about why steven universe has BPD (and cptsd but thats canon)
later in the series and in SU future is when all the trauma has already happened and hes finally safe is when it manifests itself heavier. hes very people pleasing, putting other peoples needs ahead of himself, even if the other person is in the wrong, his emotions spiral so out of control that he becomes corrupted or goes "pink mode", he has identity issues (bc of constantly being told hes his mother) to the point where he cant tell if he is her, if he is himself, if hes a he, if hes a she, if hes a gem or if hes a human, good or evil, etc.
has bursts of intense anger and feelings of guilt, would go to any length to keep people in his life (connie for example) and when she rejected his proposal his symptoms spiraled out of control, which is typically what happens w bpd, its triggered, his symptoms started presenting when he hit 16 / SU future. as for the ptsd though thats actually canon, there is an episode where he visits the doctor and she doesnt directly call it ptsd but shes asking him about his trauma and how far back it stems from (and he begins recalling traumatic events starting all the way from the beginning of the series to the middle of the series before connies mom interrupts him and tells him that he p much has c-ptsd) and steven starts having intense flashbacks and then falls into an episode when he is reminded of connie rejecting his proposal, his body starts physically reacting to it as if its happening again. (which by the way the proposal was very impulsive and spontaneous and mainly based in fear of abandonment, and solidified when garnet agreed. very bpd like.)
he views small issues as life threatening, which is seen in ptsd and bpd. hes been in a constant state of trauma since childhood, never knew his mom and constantly i n peril fighting monsters he doesnt even know the origin of protecting himself from a battle his mother forced him into, bpd and ptsd are inherently traumagenic. he changes himself and overextends himself to fit other people's perception of what he should be or to fit his own idea of perfection, hes terrified of being alone and will go to any lengths to keep his loved ones around him.
when people offer him support he pushes it away because he doesnt want to burden his loved ones with his problems or intense emotions or trauma. in fact, he bottles it up SO much that he falls into an episode where he starts fixing other peoples problems to distract himself from his own, as if fixing other people will in turn fix himself, which only makes it worse and worse until he explodes. he talks about how hes worthless, how hes a bad person, how he doesnt deserve his loved ones, and then becomes corrupted when the trauma become too much for him gem to handle anymore. (Him splitting on himself after bottling his feelings up for so long)
this was only soothed when his loved ones reminded him how much he was loved and cared for. he lacked a voice his whole life and once jasper taught him to fight and defend himself and he became all big and strong his personality changed completely and he ended up becoming aggressive in the same way jasper was and literally purposely and v violently shattered her because of it (which is obviously very out of character for steven who has healing powers)
he also takes control of and attempts to shatter white diamond when he has trauma flashbacks to her almost killing him despite working through those issues previous
he has a "the grass is greener on the other side" mindset
He has bouts of uncontrollable rage because he has no form of grasp of his emotions due to alienating them.
He creates narratives sticks to them then he is unable to change these thought processes.
after shattering jasper he has an intense panic attack, thinking he is a violent killer or bad person, his guilt spirals and he makes a very desperate and emotional attempt at bringing her back.
he also takes control of and attempts to shatter white diamond when he has trauma flashbacks to her almost killing him despite working through those issues previous.
he has a "the grass is greener on the other side" mindset
He has bouts of uncontrollable rage because he has no form of grasp of his emotions due to alienating them.
He creates narratives sticks to them then he is unable to change these thought processes.
He creates a happily ever after in his mind and then when the outcome isn't perfect or what he imagined he freaks out.
he has frequent flashbacks to issues from his past and tends to block the thoughts out when they show up or dissociate himself from them, or, alternatively, he hyper-fixates on them so much that it takes over every aspect of his waking life. he also thinks in black and white a lot, with things being either all good or all bad, and becomes paranoid about other peoples intentions or the way they perceive him. he also is CONSTANTLY on edge expecting bad things to happen and prepares himself for danger that might not even come.
Also throwback to the time where he crashed the car and split on his dad when he realized his dad got the childhood he always wanted and that he was neglected, he quickly went from idealizing his dad to feeling spiteful toward him and putting their own lives in danger.
also the time when he realized all of his friends were moving on without him and subconsciously trapped them in a giant bubble that he had no control over
oh and the NIGHTMARES!!!
- sincerely, a Steven kinnie with BPD and C-PTSD. (Cross-Posted)
#steven#steven quartz universe#steven universe#steven universe future#su#suf#bpd#borderline#borderline personality disorder#cptsd#complex post traumatic stress disorder#complex ptsd#headcanon#headcanons#theory#cross posted
56 notes
·
View notes
Note
Can I request an poly sbg x idol reader who had their first encore show after releasing their new album "insert card" but get attacked by a saseng (I hope I spelled that right) and accidentally kills the saseng :3
Poly School Bus Graveyard x Idol Reader - Sasaeng Attack
Ashlynn, Taylor/Tyler, Ben, Aiden, Logan
WARNINGS: Talks about harm, accidental killing, trauma
I tried going for the more mental/phycological aspect of it instead of legal because I like focusing on how they'd comfort you bc this can be traumatic depending on the person. Also, I promise I've seen all the requests and I'm moving through them the best I can! Thank you for your guys' patience, I appreciate it a lot!
-Writer Icy<3
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The reader, a successful idol, has just completed their first encore show following the release of their new album, "Probably Miss" The atmosphere is electric, with the audience still buzzing from the performance. However, the celebration is cut short when a sasaeng fan—someone with an unhealthy obsession—manages to get too close.
The Attack:
The Moment: As the reader is leaving the venue, the sasaeng lunges at them with dangerous intent. The fan, holding a large dosage of something in a syringe attempting to swing at the reader, In the heat of the moment, the reader defends themselves instinctively, and in the struggle, the sasaeng is accidentally killed by their own syringe. A reverse tactic that the Banner family taught them in self defense.
Shock and Guilt: The reader is immediately overcome with shock, guilt, and disbelief. The reality of what has just happened hits them hard—they never intended to cause harm, let alone take a life. The situation spirals out of control, and the reader is left reeling, unsure of how to process the traumatic event.
Ashlynn:
Immediate Comfort: Ashlynn is the first to rush to the reader’s side, pulling them away from the scene and wrapping them in a protective embrace. She whispers soothing words, trying to calm the reader’s trembling form. Ashlynn knows that the reader acted in self-defense, but she’s heartbroken by the emotional toll it’s taking on them.
Emotional Anchor: Ashlynn stays close to the reader in the days following the incident, offering a constant source of comfort and reassurance. She helps them navigate their feelings of guilt and fear, reminding them that they did what they had to do to protect themselves.
Tyler:
Protective Rage: Tyler’s first reaction is a surge of anger—not at the reader, but at the situation. He’s furious that someone would put the reader in such a dangerous position and is quick to take on a more protective role, ensuring that something like this never happens again.
Silent Support: Though he’s seething inside, Tyler keeps his emotions in check around the reader, knowing they need his strength. He doesn’t push them to talk about what happened but stays close, ready to listen whenever they’re ready to open up.
Taylor:
Distracting Comfort: Taylor’s initial response is to distract the reader from the trauma. She knows they’re overwhelmed and tries to lighten the mood with gentle humor or engaging activities, anything to take their mind off the incident.
Gradual Processing: Over time, Taylor encourages the reader to talk about their feelings, helping them process the event in a way that feels less overwhelming. She’s there for every step of their emotional recovery, offering a balance of lightheartedness and serious support.
Aiden:
Empathetic Comfort: Ben is devastated by what the reader has gone through and is deeply empathetic to their pain. He’s constantly by their side, offering hugs, comforting words, and a shoulder to cry on. Ben’s heart aches for the reader, and he does everything he can to ease their emotional burden.
Reassurance: Ben repeatedly reassures the reader that they did nothing wrong, that they were forced into an impossible situation. He’s persistent in reminding them that they are still a good person, despite what happened.
Ben:
Quiet Vigilance: Logan’s reaction is one of quiet vigilance. He becomes hyper-aware of the reader’s emotional state, watching for signs of distress and stepping in when they need support. Logan understands the reader’s guilt and tries to help them see that they’re not to blame.
Protective Presence: Logan becomes even more protective of the reader, ensuring that they’re never left alone and that no one else can get close enough to harm them. He’s the silent guardian, always there to catch them when they fall.
Logan:
Pragmatic Support: Aiden immediately goes into problem-solving mode. He takes charge of handling the legal and media fallout, ensuring that the reader is protected from any further harm. He’s methodical in his approach, keeping the reader’s best interests at the forefront.
Emotional Stability: Aiden provides a sense of calm and stability, helping the reader regain their footing after the traumatic event. He offers logical reassurance, explaining the situation in a way that helps the reader come to terms with what happened.
The group rallies around the reader, each offering their unique form of support as they navigate the aftermath of the attack. The reader’s journey to healing is difficult, filled with moments of guilt, fear, and sadness. But with the gang by their side, offering unwavering love and understanding, the reader slowly begins to recover. Over time, they come to terms with what happened, finding peace in the knowledge that they are surrounded by people who care for them deeply and would do anything to protect them.
#x reader#my fic#request#school bus graveyard#webtoon#webtoon x reader#school bus graveyard taylor#school bus graveyard tyler#school bus graveyard webtoon#ashlynn banner#ask answered#aiden clark#ben clark#logan fields#tyler hernandez#taylor hernandez#request open#reader insert#requests open
11 notes
·
View notes
Text
thinking abt this ask some more and well, it also all boils down to dean is not john because dean is not john.
dean is his own person with different life experiences and trauma and morals and agency. yes dean learned and internalized some things from john, and learned to filter most of his emotions into anger bc anger was a safer emotion to express under john's roof than fear or sadness.
but dean literally IS NOT john. he's dean. and crucially he is a victim of john, who was Thee angry man in the house. john is the first person he learned pain and shame and anger and self-hatred from. and dean has not been able to properly unpack or cope with those early experiences or any of the other traumatic events that follow. for nearly 40 years. PLUS 40 years of hell trauma. and still !! still !! dean tries to do better. he apologizes and he expresses his regret for past actions and even his worst actions are rooted in love and a need to protect. he most often acts out of fear, worry, and/or grief. as cas said, the good and the bad, everything he has done has been for love. he fears jack and is angry at jack during widowers arc because he loved cas so much and does not yet know jack is good and can be trusted. his reaction is understandable. we as the audience see and receive more information than the characters. dean has every right to be fearful and wary.
but anyways. back to dean and john. widower's arc IS meant to draw that parallel between them. we're supposed to see dean echoing john. we're supposed to feel john's ghost acting through dean. but we are also meant to see where they diverge. dean does not become obsessed with revenge. he does not go on a quest to get cas back (despite how much he wants him back) and abandon everyone else. he even starts to come around to jack, even before cas gets back.
then, there's john and his own complicated trauma. and i do feel some empathy and sadness for him. but his trauma is notably different from dean's, and that's why dean garners more of my empathy, compassion, and forgiveness.
john felt abandoned after his father's disappearance and then internalizes those abandonment issues and those unresolved feelings fester into anger. then john enlists illegally in the military chasing his father's ghost. in the military he experiences more trauma. but he did choose to go into the military. it's different from dean being forced to be a soldier and weapon for his father from a young age. john was 17 ? when he enlisted and did so of his own free will (as much free will as you can have being one of chuck's blorbos but still, you get what i'm saying), while dean never had a choice, and by the time he had the choice to leave he'd already been guilt tripped into staying by john and also had very few connections outside of the winchester family unit. IF dean were to leave john (after sam left) he'd be largely alone because john never let them forge connections and relationships. john purposely kept them isolated from others, which is a tactic of abuse. finally, john loses mary which exacerbates his preexisting issues, anger, and trauma. losing mary was not the catalyst that turned john "bad" it was just an accelerator added to the fire that had been slow-burning for years.
so yes, both john and dean have abandonment issues regarding their fathers, except john's are based on a perceived abandonment that he lets become a deep anger and propel his actions re: joining the military. whereas dean is literally abandoned and neglected repeatedly and often throughout his childhood which leads to a lot of unresolved fear and anxiety regarding losing people and people leaving him. cas dying during widower's arc and losing mary at the same time too (and crowley!) definitely triggers those deep seated fears and anxieties. dean also just as trauma surrounding death bc of mary. dean, like john, also has trauma surrounding being a soldier and having to kill people. however, john chose that path (and then later chose hunting) while dean had that life thrust upon him. (the first time he's handed a gun he is six years old and his father believes he somehow has a "killer instinct"). finally, dean, like john, loses cas who is yes mary-coded during widower's arc and he is left with a child. however, unlike john, this child is also an extremely powerful being whom dean knows nothing about except the fact that he is the biological son of lucifer. he also believes jack manipulated cas and got him killed. people will parallel jack to sam in this instance but john likely had no idea sam was infected with demon blood until much later after years of research and following azazel's trail. so early on, john's neglect and mistreatment of sam and dean cannot be blamed on john being afraid of sam or something like that. john IS afraid of the world though. he's paranoid as all heck and that fuels a lot of his actions. but dean is not wrong in this case for being wary of jack. he has every right to be afraid, it's just that his fear, coupled with grief, ends up being expressed as anger. the same may be true for john in those early years, but eventually, john lets his anger and need for vengeance consume him and he prioritizes the hunt over his children. as he says in 1x22, "killing this demon comes first. before everything." dean wants cas and mary and crowley back, but he doesn't put it before everything. he doesn't turn away from sam or jack to pursue that quest.
dean is not john because dean is dean. he doesn't see the world as black and white as john did. he still has fears and trauma that when triggered have him reverting to old, ingrained habits, but most often, he wants to do good and help people. he cares about his family and wants them to be safe and alive. sometimes he will go to extremes to make sure that happens. but his actions are always rooted in love and care. cas saw him as a being of love. as more than what john tried to make him. more than a blunt instrument. more than a weapon for heaven and hell. more than chuck's favorite toy. dean is dean. and that's why cas loves him. and that's why *i* love him.
#mini essay slash love letter to dean at 1am? sure why not#this was supposed to be shorter than my ask response but well. i have things to say#family dynamics#dean studies
77 notes
·
View notes
Text
rambling about Guz under the cut hsdhgjkl, CW for abuse and (c)ptsd talk as well as discussion of racism
i've hesitated to say anything about his trauma-caused aggression and anger because i fear it'll be misconstrued by ppl (<- tags on that other post that i'm going off of bc i wanna ramble abt it)
he's not Scary or Violent or Mean. i mean maybe other ppl might view him that way, he might come across that way if you don't know him well, but like.... its trauma. if you were physically abused as a child... yeah. youre gonna come out of that with issues that won't be pretty. you're not going to be the Perfect Victim. you are going to have symptoms and reactions and whatnot that are ugly and difficult and upsetting and hard-to-be-around sometimes.
I am really aware and cautious of the stereotype where many men of colour (mainly black men, but this also includes indigenous men and some other men of colour) are portrayed as being Big and Aggressive, so I have avoided getting anywhere near that, especially since I made the decision to change Guz's skintone in my portrayal of him (which I'm not going to get into, at least rn, but that decision was carefully thought out as well for me). So I always get a bit worried that IF I show any of that side of his trauma, it is going to come off the wrong way.
When I look at him being angry and aggressive in any way, I'm coming at it from the perspective of "this is a man who was a child who was abused and beaten, and he's grown up being taught he needs to Fight, that he needs to be scary in order to be safe, and he is very afraid in a way that translates to anger because that's the way he learned to deal with that emotion." And then we (Guz and co) figure out how to work with that, how to start unravelling all the trauma that's packed into that behaviour, how to start unlearning those reactions and begin working on new ways of Being. He's got a safe environment now, where the people he's around genuinely care about him, where he doesn't have to scare the people around him in order to be respected and safe. Plumes and the squad love him, and Junebug loves him, and he doesn't want to hurt any of them. He also doesn't want to continue that cycle of abuse, doesn't want the grunts or anyone else to feel afraid of him like he was afraid of his dad, nor does he want any of the grunts to feel like they have to be aggressive to be safe in the world.
I'm also aware of the fact that I have white skin even if I am indigenous lol, and the little white-skinned partner appearing to be the "uwu soft niceys" one in the relationship with the big "aggressive" man with brown skin is uhhhh a really fucking awful look! really fucked up! And it's not something I'm interested in presenting to the world, even if it's just in this small circle of the internet. That's a really fucked up dynamic to be putting out there without context lmao.
Anyways, so even if Guz has that shit going on, I'm very careful with how I present it and aware of how it might come across, and if I ever step over any lines, people are more than welcome to holler at me and let me know I've fucked up!
Currently, I figure he was working on shit for a while before my self-insert came along (this is not a case of "i will fix you all by myself" because again... my white skin makes it look like white saviorism, plus I do not think thats a very interesting dynamic for me personally anyways lol, you gotta be putting in a bit of work yourself for me to stick around very long and help you out), and then Junebug showing up was just another motivational force to keep working on his shit. Guz has a good group of people around him and Junebug is just kind of a bonus in the situation. He'd be putting in the work either way, but they're just a little extra boost for him.
I think he’ll always have a bit of a tendency to react with the fight instinct rather than flight or freeze in situations where he is genuinely terrified and doesn’t have time to think through a reaction, but all of the rest of it improves. It’s amazing what a person can change about the way their brain is wired with enough time and effort and support!
5 notes
·
View notes
Text
Someone with depression: diagnosed with usually incurable chronic depression
Someone Not A Doctor But Definitely In The Know About Mental Health On Fb: some people are just miserable and depressing on purpose, they’re just behaving this way for fun, they do this for the sake of irritating ✨Me✨, because I can’t handle anyone being #Negative around me or anyone else’s emotions and won’t just stop following those peoples posts anyway, and I hate acknowledging mental health disorders are real! This is for Attention as we all know I mean sorry me and my poor 2 friends I’ve blackmailed into smiling around me and being cheerful when they’re not, but yaa this bad vibe is just for Attention, like all my posts are too bye check out that last selfie I spend 5 hours putting makeup on for to get the attention of 4 likes~ but that’s not the point. You are to blame for staying in an abusive relationship too, and for your PTSD flashbacks liek why don’t you just Stop Thinking! Don’t take drugs though bc I’ll boycott u for bottling it up as wellllll even though I made you feel you had to. You’re making yourself miserable, idc if I have no idea how abuse can work it’s Your fault why don’t you just become homeless to leave an abusive household since you can’t afford to move by yourself somewhere which need 4 working adults to pay rent for a box flat!!! ~ honestly I’m fed up with humans feeling sad in any way too, crying, etc. and naturally having low moods they can’t change due to chemicals in their brain which they have less or more of which are out of their control because well, party pooper, and rather than doing things which keep my own spirits up and just saying I can’t be an emotional support option right now because I have my own things going on I am able to control sharing or not to the degree I want, I’ll just totally lay tf into someone for feeling those things, which is unnecessary and makes people hide how they are from friends for fear of rejection and attack and result in serious damage to future relationships and dynamics because they now have an unhealthy relationship with allowing themselves to feel anything publicly or tell themselves it’s shameful to the point where they can’t cry in front or a partner or share emotions with people they love and maybe even end in death. I’m not going to acknowledge anyone who’s been through anything bad which is keeping them this way and won’t acknowledge they may not of healed yet or be ready as trauma takes a long time to receive from, y’all just a nuisance for not being happy for ✨my✨ sake all of the time. And don’t dare post about it to your own social media, posts that are nothing directly to do with me nor which I’m obligated to read, and lower my mood on purpose when I could just unfollow but I suppose I personally can’t change the situation myself though it’s just a follow button and simply must lacerate your entire being for trying to tell someone, anyone, on your own place of safety, that you’re in desperate need of support from someone which doesn’t have to be me because I want to pretend I’m always happy and never miserable for whatever reason.
Someone with depression: … I said I was struggling today, that is all, in order to feel better instead of bottling it up. Wait, why are you friends on purpose with someone who’s depressed when you feel like this? Perhaps you’re just staying reading all my stuff on purpose to stay angry because you could make a change if you wanted to and mute posts. If every pill tried worked instantly, I’d be cured in a day. If therapy was easy to get in 2 seconds, the potential year long sessions would be over by now. If people weren’t forced to bottle it up unnaturally or get met with anger and manipulation to shut up entirely, we might actually start feeling better. Because no person with depression has once ever only known people that wanted them to be allowed to express the feelings safely rather than bottling it up and hurting themselves more, no matter how many supportive people there are there’s plenty who wish for people with mental health to just stifle it or blackmail them with emotional punishment at their most vulnerable if they do appear less than 100% happy or “atypical” all of the time, and that’s the cold hard truth.
The FB Depresion Doctr: If it’s a sad number 1 song about trauma and pain by Taylor Swift though omggg yaasss queeeeeeEEEEE, gonherr for coming out about it she’ssostrong *cries listening to it every time but it’s ok when they’re sad (it actually is ok I’m just speaking in terms of they think that’s fine only)*
#depression is such a big killer and so many people AID IT#in the sense of either accidentally on purpose making people feel worse for expressing it or anything to do with it#depression is real#depression awareness#depression kills#depression#depression is the worst#depression is a bitch#ableism#this doesn’t count for people emotionally blackmailing you to constantly listen to them and hurt yourself mentally or they’ll die btw#mental health awareness#mental health#mental health is hard#chronic depression#depression cw
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
My car got repossessed and i had to go to my parents for help to get it back and though they are reasonably pissed with me about it:
• i wanted a used car but when i was buying due to situations out of my control that were NOT my fault i needed a cosigner and my parents wouldnt do it unless i got a brand new car, they would not budge so i was saddled with a $500 a month car payment i had to pay alone.
• i told them repeatedly i was behind on payments asked them to help me with one month so the car wouldnt be repossessed they said no (as is their right i know they have their own expenses)
• the car was repossessed the day after i got paid and was about to make a payment to get me out of the red zone
• they told me not to take out a loan to cover the car payments and to just go to them for help. Almost everytime i did this they would ignore me or tell me no and i’d be forced to choose to either feed myself and my partner and pay our rent or pay the car. My partner was unemployed for almost two months while actively looking for work so i was the only source of income and they knew this information, i obviously chose a roof over our heads and food over the car. My parents are directly mad at me for this choice.
• they, knowing i have severe anxiety especially when ignored by them (due to past trauma of them doing this multiple times to me) have decided to vaguely threaten me and then ignore every message i have sent since.
• they have vaguely threatened to make me move back home (i am a 24 year old adult, with a partner) i will not do this because i am an adult and they also do not respect my identity as a trans man or a queer person in general
• they told me before the radio silence they will contact me when they have thought of a good enough “consequence for my actions”
• my actions that need consequences are me not paying the car payment so i could stay housed and fed, asking for help, being too poor for a car payment they didnt really give me a choice in despite knowing i couldnt afford it.
• i from the moment of finding out i needed their help with the repossession costs have fully intended on paying them back the full amount no matter how long it takes
I know i fucked up my parents finances and my mothers credit score with this i know that, i feel awful, i also know and have expressed that though they have said they “did not do this for me” but to save their own finances, that i know how extremely lucky and fortunate i am that they were able and willing to help me even indirectly. What i cant get over is how shitty they are treating me about this. I thought my relationship with my parents had gotten a lot better but i feel like im in highschool again just shutting down so they can scream at me until theyre done, and then being ignored like i dont exist at all hntil they are ready to scream at me some more.
I logically know they cannot do anything to me but make me pay them back but the fear response i have to their intense anger is making me miserable and ive begun to break out in stress caused eczema hives on my hands.
I know i fucked up but i dont spend frivolously, i dont eat out, i havent bought myself anything in months except clothes that i bought at work on sale with my employee discount because i didnt have anything work appropriate that didnt have holes or stains (a necessary purchase bc i work in clothing retail and have to “represent the brand”) all of my money goes directly to bills and food i dont know what i could have done that i didnt already do other than pull out loans behind their back to cover the car which they also would have been pissed at me for.
#ry.txt#vent#i just need outside reassurance i guess#my coworkers and partner have reassured me which helped immensely#but anxiety brain keeps saying of course theyre on your side they know you#so i just need a random stranger to confirm or deny i guess
0 notes
Text
Had a conversation with a few of my mutuals on my main twitter account about abusive parents and it really hit me how normalized this type of aggression towards kids is and how a majority of parents show no remorse later on down the road for the damages they caused by claiming it was what they had to do to make sure we were raised right. Abuse of any kind is NOT a catalyst or solution and it’s sickening that people try to find justification behind it
It’s not just about them showing no signs of remorse later on. It’s them, at that point in time truly believing beating us, putting their hands on us or verbally scaring us is the ONLY form of discipline in existence. You’ve failed not only as a parent, but as a person if installing fear in a kids heart through years of abuse is what you think parenting is. All the abuse does is create resentment and physiological/physical damage that may or may not be something that’s able to be undone and a relationship later on down the road that will without fail fall to shambles
What’s amazing is the amount of parents that get upset and have the audacity to play the victim when their kids move out as soon as they turn of age and never speak to them again. Not sure what’s not clicking, but WHY would they expect the child they abused on a daily basis to want to stick around if the choice was theirs? Just bc hands were never laid on them now that they are older or the verbal abuse has stopped doesn’t mean the damage hasn’t already been done. In order for me to work on my trauma and move past it I need to create an environment that’s not toxic or a reminder of what I’m trying to escape from and if cutting contact is what needs to be done for me to heal then so be it. Maybe if people kept their hands off their kids or didn’t talk to them sideways all the time they wouldn’t be sitting alone at home right now wondering if they’ll ever see them again or if they’ll end up dying alone
People really need to rethink their choices on becoming a parent if it’s not something they are sure they are mentally ready for using me as the perfect example. I have anger issues that definitely stems from my childhood and is definitely fueled by the current events in my life. I’ve taken my anger out on myself time after time vs on other people, although I’ve come close to hurting others a few times
When I get mad it’s like I disconnect with myself and reality and everything becomes a blur and all thoughts except raging out and destruction are blocked. It’s like a knee jerk reaction to want to instantly lash out, which is usually done to and on myself. It’s so immediate I don’t have time to think about the consequences of my actions nor do I care. I’ve repeatedly punched myself in the head so hard I saw white and went blank for a few seconds, once even heard what sounded like a crack, which should have been a warning for me to stop, but I haven’t and probably never will. Like I said, it’s a knee jerk reaction. No time to think
I’ve repeatedly punched my thighs with so much force they were bruised the next day and I had to wear sweats to keep people from asking questions. I’ve dug my nails into the skin on my arms until the skin ripped and I was bleeding. I’ve pulled my hair out, silently screamed until my chest felt like it was going to explode and I was fighting to catch my breath to keep from passing out. I’ve punched holes in walls and broke things precious to me. I caused permanent damage to my left wrist while in a fury one time. I went to hit the inside of the doorway with the side of my fist as I was walking out of it, but I missed and my wrist caught the edge of the doorway instead and to this day I can’t do much with my left hand before it locks itself in place and I can’t move it, which is also extremely painful and can take time to unlock
I am a self destructive person and despite trying to get better I’m still a work that will be in progress probably for the rest of my life. The anger inside me is dormant and is always waiting for a trigger and this aggression/hair trigger response will never go away, which is why I know being a parent isn’t something I’m cut out for
It’s not just my anger problems. I’m just not mentally stable enough in any form to raise another human being. I can’t make myself happy, so how am I supposed to make another person happy much less be concerned about their happiness? I don’t love myself. Never have and I never will. Day after day I neglect to take care of myself in ways more than one, bc of my depression, so how am I supposed to love and take care of another person? My anxiety is so bad I can’t even leave the house a majority of the time. Hell, even in my seclusion I have anxiety attacks that I struggle to get out of
I have acknowledged my problems and have accepted my reality as a person who should never have children. I don’t trust myself enough. What if I’m in a fit of rage and I hit my child or worse? I’ve almost knocked myself out with blows to the head. Imagine if I lashed out and used those same hands on a small child. What if my depression causes me to neglect them just like I do myself? What if my anxiety keeps me from being able to provide for them? There’s just so many what if’s. It definitely outweighs the good and is extremely concerning
I’ve made this point several times and people always tell me I’d understand their choice of parenting if I was a mother and honestly? That’s just their shitty way of trying to justify abusing their children. No amount of persuasion is going to convince me that type of behavior is okay and I don’t quite understand why people want me to abuse my kids so bad. I’ve also been told all the issues I have shouldn’t stop me from having kids, bc kids will be the turning point in my life and would probably change me for the better and I don’t believe that for a second. Anger, depression and anxiety are illnesses that not even medication can cure, so what in the hell is a child supposed to do? A kid is not some type of cure all. If anything I feel like it’d just be more on an already full plate
People just really need to take a closer look at themselves before having a child. All that abuse is stemming from something they haven't addressed within themselves. They need to take a good look at themselves first, bc their kids aren't the issue. They are
0 notes
Text
u better not have been joking bc the way I will write paragraphs abt it RN!!!!!!!!!!!
ok ok ok so. I’m super into Revolutionary Girl Utena n Dungeon Meshi (and Nier Automata 😭😭) for like, tragic complicated relationships right. But also for white swan->black swan character arcs. (Adeline/Ilithiya’s story is a HUGE example of this, honestly the prototype for my cotl au storyline) I’m also super into trauma dynamics and mirrored characters. Like being shown what ‘could’ve been’ and navigating that. Also Cw for implied neglect and mentioning of trauma n stuff.
In my au, lamb (Lacey) is a super Shoujo-y, optimistic sort of gal. So she spares all of the old gods and tries to get them to confront their issues and heal yk. For her, the whole point of taking Nari’s place (though she refuses to ascend) is being able to be kind. As a vessel, everything was stronger than her, so she had to be cruel and cut everything down. Now she wants to be as mortal and pacifistic as possible. Everything the old gods weren’t.
Her openness abt her dreams and her fears allows Nari to be vulnerable too, and they help each other heal a bit. Their final battle happens bc Lacey ‘knows there’s another way’ but Nari is BEYOND UPSET and aches so much at her lamb’s struggle. She’s convinced that the only way for them to be happy together is through Lacey’s sacrifice. But Lacey defeats her and they both show up at the cult n make up n everything. That’s basically their whole thing. Angsty friends-to-more-than-lovers deal.
The old gods are very much a complicated dysfunctional family. The situation with Nari was a fearful overreaction to Nari starting to lash out. I haven’t ironed out all the details of that yet, but generally, everyone reacted with fear and hurt each other, and their godhood allowed them to intensify those feelings of anger and hurt. But the old gods DO get better. Everyone DOES heal eventually. Lacey is patient and giving and she’s rewarded for it.
Now imagine you’re another vessel who non-stop PRAYED for that kind of world because yours is absolutely empty. You desperately want connection with your goddess, but she does everything to make you miserable. She makes you kill your mentor, the only one who understands you and gives you a place to forget your duties for a single moment. She makes you sacrifice your followers and not hold funerals. She makes every death slow and painful, forcing you to fight even when you’re pretty much a corpse. You are pushed to extinction, refused rest or comfort, and you still excel at everything. You obey and obey, again and again, making the land barren because that’s what your goddess demands. But in the final battle, she tries to kill you just as easily as when she showed you affection. She doesn’t even hesitate. She says she knew you’d be a failure.
And after you execute her, you’re dropped into a perfect world. You see your old gods change. You see a mirror of yourself being loved. She’s pure and beautiful and kind. And it makes you wonder if your goddess could’ve changed, had you spared her. But that’s the whole thing–it didn’t matter, you were already different by the final battle. There is no world where you would’ve spared her.
That’s Camilo, the goat.
oml and that’s literally just the first angle of the conflict.
Idk if im getting it across, but I want to explore self-destruction (and trauma dynamics) on a more mythical and nuanced scale. Like, not “i am an abuse victim so I do this” (not that any reaction to trauma is wrong or bad, I just like exploring how complicated it can be) but how people react differently to trauma and how they self-destruct differently too.
Lacey is heavily coded in “goodness” but she’s just as self-destructive as Camilo, she just rationalizes it. She ‘needs to sacrifice herself’ for the betterment of Nari’s family, and thus the achievement of her dream world, and ‘only she can do it because she can take it.’ She wants them to be happy, but she’s also willing to do anything to get there. So, simply because she can handle their anger, she lets them hurt her. And there’s good and bad parts of that. It works, and it’s worth it, but it grooms her into complacency. It reaffirms her idea that she can bring everyone a happy ending WITHOUT sacrificing her own. It’s both rational and irrational, motivated by a heart of gold, legitimate knowledge and thought-out-reason, and her inner turmoil. She gets so stuck in sacrificing herself that she doesn’t realize when she’s sacrificed her own perfect ending. And it ultimately brings her nothing. I’m still fine-tuning the storyline n the ending tho.
Idk. At this point im just rambling. But i will continue to do so if i am asked to!!! I have SO many thoughts abt my au oml. Can u tell I have a huge interest in philosophy and psychology. lololol
Also they are all latino. Idk how a goat n a sheep can be latino but ive latino-fication beam’d them.
need need need someone to yell abt my cotl au at. please good lord above,, plague one of my irl friends with a cotl obsession I BEG!!! 🙏🙏🙏
113 notes
·
View notes
Note
In ascending order
1. Tim. Was taking out anger better directed at Elias on Jon because he didn’t, you know, psychologically torture subordinates who got too uppity but ultimately had a very valid point about how Jon’s inhumanity made it difficult to trust him and his very continued existence causes other people to suffer also not obligated to forgive Jon for his shitty behavior in S2
2. Basira. Martin from someone else’s perspective, aggressively overlooking and excusing her partner’s crimes (despite said partner themselves not agreeing with that) to try and have their cake and eat it to.
3. Georgie. Establishes she is smart, levelheaded, and emotionally intelligent enough to deal with supernatural bullshit but then pulls a complete 180 in S4 and also has a massive double standard where she gives Melanie credit and support for wanting to get better but also punishes Jon by cutting him out of her life for *checks notes* being alive. She’s very frustrating but she does also own up to that and apologize and I will give her credit for that.
4. Melanie. Literally just wants to be mad at anyone but herself and refuses to acknowledge how her own choices got her into the mess she was in. She admits to Jon’s face that the bullet stayed in her because she wanted it and still continues to treat him like crap.
(i'm assuming this is in response to my 'i'm still mad about how people treated jon' post)
i do agree that tim doesn't owe jon forgiveness for the stalking, but i don't agree with the 'jon's continued existence causes people to suffer' part of this. i'll always be a believer in 'jon is allowed to be alive without being punished for it.' (i won't get into the inhumanity bit since i find that i define 'humanity' differently than other people, and i think what you're trying to say is that jon becoming spookier makes it hard for tim to trust him, which is something i would agree with.) i think a lot of tim's anger at jon comes from fear and feeling trapped rather than actual hatred towards jon, actually, but i don't feel much up to crafting an actual meta for that at the moment, sorry!
aside from the fact that i don't think daisy's crimes (hunting down and killing people for years as part of the police and engaging in police brutality) and jon's crimes (forcing people to relive their trauma against their will, but ultimately not killing them) are equitable, i don't think that martin actually excuses jon's actions. he's the one who gives the s4 archives crew the tape with jon's victim and thus makes jon stop taking live statements. martin supports jon in seasons 2 and 3 when he's being hurt and tortured and has few people in his corner, but he's also very ready to call jon out on his actions if need be. i don't think basira and martin are very similar at all.
i agree with most of this point! georgie's double standard in s4 is very frustrating, and she does recognize at least a bit in s5 that she wasn't the better person for just running away from it all.
any time i think about melanie, i just remember how everyone (including jon himself!) told her not to get involved with the institute but she did it anyway (very watcher-aligned of her). her arc is actually one of the most interesting to me bc of how much anger and the need to claw her way to the top motivates her, and i genuinely think that under different circumstances, she and jon might have been the kind of friends who rib each other constantly but would fight god for each other.
#ask#anon#forgive me if this is too argumentative i can't tell if you're agreeing with me or trying to present an argument against me#or something in between#but yeah the only side character i genuinely dislike is basira#the rest i find quite interesting even when i >:(( at how they treat jon sometimes#tma discourse#(i also did not write this up to be a very In Depth Well Thought Out Meta so keep that in mind!#i'm too sleepy for that haha)
27 notes
·
View notes
Note
haha your snippit abt the dispenser got me thinking.
Dream gets let out of prison and he talks constantly, whatever is on his mind. And he's positive all the time. To a fault where people walk over him. And it doesn't make sense because he was tortured right???? But after an incident they find out it's because he hates the sound of silence and needs constant reminders that other people are there. Also he was punished for any negative emotions in the prison so his default is happy now,,,
hi anon !! this concept makes me SO goddamn sad ,, the idea that he Has to be happy bc anything else would mean punishment im so *punches the walls*
this ,, ficlet is honestly. pretty ooc, not really related to the ask at all, and mostly an excuse for me to cry abt c!dream and c!punz for an excessive amount of time (technically the vote on twitter was supposed to have this as c!sapnap pov, but i just wrote one for him so i went for c!punz instead. mostly bc i wanted to write him LMAO). hopefully someone enjoys it despite *gestures vaguely* all of that mess
tw: trauma, disordered eating, implied torture/abuse, blood, injuries, unhealthy coping mechanisms, emotional distress, thoughts of murder/mercy killing, mentioned animal death, dark content
In the end, it’s all rather anticlimactic, the complete opposite of Dream’s vault and the whole fiasco of adrenaline and theatrics that had made up that day. Quackity ended up having one too many drinks, bragged about the wrong thing to the wrong person - Punz doesn’t know the specifics, only knows that one thing has led to another and suddenly Sapnap was screaming at his ex-fiancé, sword pointed at his chest and tears streaming down his eyes in the middle of the Community House floor, everyone else stood around and watching. A look into Quackity’s office said everything he didn’t - the chests and chests of used and new tools, shiny and sharpened and completely rusted over with blood and everything in between. There’s been a balled up shirt in the wastebasket, completely unsalvageable from how saturated it was with blood, more red than white, and perhaps most chilling of all the calendar, marked with X after X in red pen, going back months and speaking to their utter failure to see what had been happening all but right in front of them.
With Quackity down, Sam caved not too long after, and with his input getting into the prison was no challenge at all. The only thing holding them back were bad memories and the tense, worried edge to Sam’s jaw as he led the small group of them - himself and Sapnap, actually entering the facility, Bad and Puffy waiting outside - carrying them through winding corridor after winding corridor and lava pit after lava pit, until they’d come to stand before a chasm filled with flowing lava, slowly draining before the main cell.
“I- I have to warn you,” Sam had muttered, uncharacteristically hesitant, “it looks…pretty bad,” and Punz would’ve questioned him further, but the lava had fallen far enough to reveal the topmost edge of the cell, so they let Sapnap hound the Warden for information as they directed their full attention on the cell itself and holy shit.
Nothing Sam said could’ve possibly have prepared them for the sight - it was a complete fucking bloodbath, crimson painting the walls and smeared over the floor and splattered over every visible surface like some abstract art experiment gone wrong. The stench of iron and burning flesh and viscera was awful, even over the gap marked by the still-draining lava. Punz strained his eyes; at the very back of the cell, huddled, unmoving, was a similarly bloodstained shape that must’ve been Dream. They remember the crack of Sapnap’s knuckles meeting Sam’s face and breaking his nose, remember themselves chucking a pearl and feeling along Dream’s neck desperately for a pulse - everything beyond that became a swirl of voices and panic and crying that makes their head hurt to think about, so they don’t.
Recovery is…messy. The physical side had been bad enough - pulling Dream out of the cell, barely breathing, limp in his arms and far too light, all Punz could think about was a sheep he’d found a year ago, frail and struggling to breathe, one he’d ended up killing - quick and painless - with a sword through the skull because it seemed kinder than letting it suffer. Watching Dream struggle on the bed, laid up in Bad’s mansion because none of them knew if he’d survive going any further, body resisting the potions they’d slowly forced down his throat after being so over-saturated on them, temperature spiking and heat baking into his skin like the lava from the prison had been imprinted onto his body, Punz feels the same strange mixture of pity and unease, wonders if it’d be a hell of a lot kinder if they just put him out of his fucking misery.
Still, because Dream is a stubborn bastard, against all odds, he ends up surviving - his fever breaks, the potions begin taking effect, and a few tireless, aching days later his eyes flutter open, lucid for the first time in a week. Punz isn’t even in the room when he wakes, only knows that it happens because the too-quiet room suddenly erupts in noise and activity, muffled thumps and sounds of a struggle undercutting Bad’s frantic calls for someone to help, anyone, and they run into the room to find Dream thrashing on the bed, wounds reopened and blood dripping onto the sheets, eyes wild and wide as his head whips from side to side so hard Punz is half-afraid that he’ll straight up break his neck. Somehow, worst of all, not a single scream falls from his lips, nothing but muffled whines squeezing past his mouth, clenched shut, and for a singular, awful second they wonder how long it took before he realized that screaming was useless.
Fortunately enough for them, or unfortunately, it’s not like he can tell the fucking difference anymore, the panic and strain end up with Dream passing out altogether, and they trade uneasy glances with Bad before going to clean off the worst of his wounds. If everything they’re doing feels hopeless, dressing up wounds that’ll be torn open hours later when Dream is awake enough to feel fear but not much else because he’s forgotten what it’s like to not be afraid - well, that’s for them to think and everyone else to pretend not to agree with.
Weeks pass along the same vein - Dream wakes up, panics; they try to calm him down, fails; he falls back into unconsciousness, and they move on and pretend that they’re cleaning up wounds from battle and not from someone that’s literally been tortured for months on end. People stop by, occasionally; Puffy spends more time than not inside the mansion, but hardly ever enters the door into Dream’s room, Sapnap and George drop by occasionally with potion brewing supplies that the rest of them can’t go out to get; once, he’d gone out to the front door to find a chest with an enchanted golden apple, sender nowhere in sight. He knows that the server is busy; Quackity’s admission had brought more than a few secrets to light, and from what they understand, the political fallout has been pretty damn messy. Still, he stays in the mansion, and watches.
He doesn’t exactly know why he stays. They’re not a stellar healer, not beyond what they know to dress their own wounds, and spend most of their time doing odd-and-ends tasks for Bad, who looks more tired than ever. Maybe it’s because he’s seen Dream at his worst more than the rest of them, had been there through his entire fall from grace, watched as his eyes became clouded with anger and madness and a single, desperate hope that he’d chased at the cost of his world and himself. Maybe it’s because they have no ties to the rest of the server - not to Las Nevadas, falling apart under the scrutiny of the eyes that now fall upon it, not Snowchester, caught up in the chaos, not the Badlands, half-dissolved after the fiasco of the Egg and with Sam’s actions having just come to light. Maybe it’s because above everything else, he feels guilty.
They’d thought the prison was the answer. It’d seemed too simple, back in that Vault - a perfect answer, because everyone else was perfectly happy to watch Dream die another time and some part of them had clenched painfully at the thought even thought they knew it was for the best. The prison meant that he’d be alive, if angry, and at some point when he had the time or the nerve or the guts he could go and visit, and they would talk, and Dream would be angry but with time maybe he could even understand.
They hadn’t wanted this. He can’t imagine anyone wanting this.
“Punz?” They don’t jump at the voice at their back, they don’t, but Bad still has a tiny, tight-lipped smile when they turn around anyway, eyes creased in the corners and still not as bright as they’d been before the Egg. Bad looks at him knowingly, setting a bowl of soup into his hands. “For Dream, if you can get him to eat.” He shifts a pointed gaze towards the door. “Maybe you two could talk.”
“About what?” The words come out harsher than they intend, and they take a moment to bite back the mostly self-directed anger that Bad doesn’t deserve to receive the brunt of. “I just-” he waves his hand in the air, trying to articulate the mess that is his relationship with Dream without the words to explain it. “I don’t know, man.”
“You don’t have to talk about everything,” Bad says, calm as always, eyes flicking down to the bowl of soup in his hands. “Just start with the soup.”
Punz sighs. “I’ll try.”
He enters the room in a single, fluid motion, mostly because he knows that if he were to stop at the door then he’d never actually make his way in. Dream flinches back when they enter, eyes going wide and stance going rigid, and the familiarity doesn’t make the sight any easier to bear as they wait, as always, for Dream’s eyes to clear enough for him to realize he’s in the mansion and not stuck in that same obsidian hellhole.
“I brought soup,” they say, finally, when Dream looks up. Dream’s lips twitch up in what he probably means as a smile; between the still-healing gashes on his face and the fear that flashes over his expression, still, it comes out as more of a grimace.
“Thanks.” Dream looks away. “I’ll eat it later.”
Liar, Punz thinks tiredly, moving closer to set the bowl down on the nightstand by the bed. They frown as Dream’s expression goes slack and distanced, again, eyes fixed to stare blankly at the wall once again.
“You should have some now,” he tries, careful to keep his words even. “You need the calories.”
“I’m good,” Dream says, automatic, just shy of sincere. “Thank you.”
“Dream,” they don’t quite succeed at keeping a displeased sigh from falling from their lungs, and bite back a curse at themselves when Dream pulls back with a silent flinch. It’s so goddamn hard, to talk to this version of Dream, both of them feeling around the edges of their relationship like walking on goddamn eggshells. A few months ago, he would’ve straight up called Dream out on his bullshit, get it through his thick skull that the whole ‘I’m fine and don’t need anyone’ act was stupid and completely failing to convince him. Here, they bite back another sigh, look forlornly at the bowl of the soup on the nightstand, sure to go uneaten once again, and force themselves to sound completely neutral when they speak again. “Alright. You’ll have to eat at some point, though.”
“Mmhm,” Dream hums noncommittally, once again staring at the wall. Punz stares at his hands. This is so fucking pointless.
“So,” they say after a few seconds, Bad’s words echoing in their head - they can try to make an effort to talk, sure. It’s just that Dream’s not going to cooperate. “How are you, man?”
The words come out stilted, awkward. He looks up to watch Dream’s expression, as the other man begins to gnaw on the inside of his cheek.
“I’m good,” he says, words deliberately light. “You?”
“Dream…”
“I’m fine.” Dream’s voice sharpens suddenly, breath hitching, before he shakes his head and turns his head away. “I’m fine.”
Punz looks at him incredulously. “Are you serious? Do we need to get into exactly how not-fine you are?” They wave a hand in his direction, jaw clenching when he rears back. “Do ‘fine’ people lose their minds from someone waving at them, now?”
“I-” For a second, Dream glares at him, eyes burning with a familiar, irritated fire that Punz knows all-too-well from having it directed at him a few too many times, before it suddenly dies and Dream is swinging his head back to the bedsheets, hands tightening on the cloth as he stammers. “I- What do you want?”
Punz breathes a soft sigh, regret blooming in the center of their chest. “Sorry,” he mumbles, careful to keep their gestures overly-telegraphed and away from the other man’s face. “I’m just- you’re not okay, man. No one’s expecting you to be okay after...all of that.”
“But why?”
Dream’s voice is small, nearly a sob, and Punz directs wide, alarmed eyes to where he’s hunched in over himself, knees pulled to his chest, hands staring at the sheets pulled over them. “Why?” he says, again, quieter, lip trembling slightly.
“Because you were tortured,” Punz begins, words slow as they watch Dream’s expression, trying to pull out the thoughts behind his averted eyes, “Because the cell was inhumane, and nobody deserves to be treated like that. Because you were hurt very, very badly because of what we did, and none of us are expecting you to be fine right after going through months of trauma.” He pauses. “You know that, right?”
“But I’m out,” Dream says, quiet, disbelieving, instead of answering their question. “I’m out of there. It’s over. It’s- everything’s good,” he whispers, more to himself than to them, hands curling into fists and then uncurling. “I’m- they said I would never get out. And I’m outside, and it’s not- not the cell, and I get real food, and Quackity doesn’t visit anymore,” he shakes his head, eyes squeezing shut as his breath catches in his throat. “I’m happy- I should be happy. Right?”
“Oh Dream,” the other man flinches back, breath quickening, and Punz’s hand stops short from where he’d almost let it fall onto the other’s shoulder. “You don’t have to be happy, man. Not- not after all of that. Not if you’re not ready yet.” Dream’s eyes, wide and wet, rise to look at their own, and they feel more than hear the soft, wounded noise that leaves their lips. “It’s ok to be hurt. It’s ok to be scared. No one’s blaming you, alright? No one’s gonna hurt you anymore.”
This, more than anything, seems to be the breaking point, because Dream collapses forward, hands flying up to pull at his tangled hair before Punz manages to ease them away and into his own hands, watching as he grips onto them until his knuckles go white. His breathing shudders, quiet, even his sobs muffled as to make as little noise as possible, and they murmur meaningless croons and hums as he cries into their chest.
“I wanna- I wanna be okay,” he hiccups, and Punz smooths his hair back behind their hand.
“I know,” he swallows around the lump that has risen in his own throat. “I’m sorry.”
#tw trauma#tw disordered eating#tw torture#tw abuse#tw blood#tw injuries#tw unhealthy coping mechanism#tw emotional distress#tw murder#tw animal death#tw dark content#tw unhealthy eating habits#-> my writing#my writing :D#my asks !!#-> my asks
245 notes
·
View notes
Text
cole ninjago headcanons!!
long bc i don’t know how a tumblr works and can’t. figure. how .to. put. under.cut,,
- black(ma)/vietnamese(dad)
- kind chocolate brown eyes with orange. very pretty. after dod his left eye (where the scar is) turned a bright green
- heavy sleeper,snores
- dad energy
- animals love him
- wherever he goes the nature around him brightens up, sometimes flowers bloom. the villagers, farmers especially love when he visits cuz he helps around and the earth is very fertile and alive when he’s there
- he retained some ghost abilities, but he needs to put a lot of effort into them and unlocking them. back to square one basically.
- he’s highly regarded amongst ghosts cuz when the preeminent was banished she was weakened and cole gained her powers and is basically king of ghosts (this is definitely not canon i just like the sound of op cole)
- whenever he’s around animals he gets all soft
- underrated and not as popular with fans
- deep down is envious of the others
- his fight with jay still stays with him. he never really got over some of the things jay said to him even if they were just in the heat of the moment.
- self esteem issues and believes he isn’t as important as others and is the least important out of his entire team
- views the others as his family and is very loving
- best hugs. warm,comforting and grounding
- gay. seriously gay
- when he and jay were fighting over nya it was mostly a misunderstanding cuz cole didn’t actually like nya but wanted to get back at jay and was definitely repressing his emotions (and gayness *cough*)
- trans. goes by he/they and ghost themed neopronouns
- everyone goes to him for support
- he has difficulty expressing his emotions sometimes
-he doesn’t talk about his feelings but gets mad at others when they bottle theirs up
- he can be really funny and witty when he opens up
- incredibly loyal
- writer and artist
- he can actually sing and dance really well but he’s insecure about it. he’s even written some songs.
- he needs to be forced to rest bc he’s a workaholic and he will work himself to the bone without intervention. especially when he’s sick
“cole you need to rest you’re sick”
“i’m fine”
“no you’re not rockhead go to bed and i’ll get zane to make you some soup”
- the team loves him bc how can you not
- supports lloyd with things kai can’t
- very trustworthy with everything but cooking
- loves driving and travelling
- he’s banned from the kitchen
- before wu found him he was travelling around everywhere. sailing, hiking, mountain climbing, everything. was homeless for a period of time.
- he loves watching the stars
- his mother sang to him and told him about her battle stories. he didn’t think they were real at the time of course but he likes to reminisce about them
- big strong man. almost a himbo but he’s actually really intelligent
- amazing at strategy and planning
- neat freak. likes things being organised, unlike kai. when kais room gets really messy he cleans it bc he gets so frustrated
- a lot of unresolved trauma. mans got mommy and daddy issues cmon.
- he loves sweet things (this is basically canon)
- he’s very close with the og 4. jay and him talk a lot. he and kai are very close and will comfort each other. he and zane give each other cuddles
- as a kid really liked geography and dinosaurs
- the ninja go to him when they have nightmares
- big sweetheart honestly
- wu once slipped up and called him dad
- he has somewhat long hair
- he has some grey hairs from being a ghost
- ptsd from falling, dying multiple times and being turned into a ghost. he fears heights. it takes him a while to get over it and go climbing again.
- if you were his partner you would not lack affection at all. but he’s not much a kisser and is very shy at first.
- plays with his hair sometimes
- really loves music. the sound grounds and calms him
- sticks his tongue out while concentrating. he’s planning out a mission and he’ll just have his tongue out. the others find it adorable
- has a very foul mouth when he gets really angry (he was basically homeless for a long while before wu found him. imagine what he would have picked up travelling)
- patient but has an explosive anger. he can get pretty scary. this big guy that could benchpress a mountain towering all over you with stone cold fury.
- actually pretty sensitive
- almost cries every time he hears sad stories about animals
- if you don’t wake him up he will sleep the entire day
- not a head canon but that one season 1/2 outfit where he had belt/chain things on the sides of his pants. the eboy blueprint
- very good fashion sense
- rich boy what with his father being a very prolific performer and probably with a wealthy family
- oblivious when it comes to flirting
- takes a lot of connection to form a crush/interest in someone
- he and kai sometimes go to volcanoes together
- would protect the ninja (especially lloyd and zane) with his life.
- can make very good beverages (this is actually pretty canon- when the ninja were celebrating getting the fang blades and cole made the punch in like season one)
- teases everyone. calls lloyd ‘squirt’ and other such nicknames still
- likes going to parks and climbing trees. the other ninja just watch as he scales the tree at inhuman speed. jay and kai try to beat him and fail every time.
- he can often be found passed out somewhere and snoring, often out of bed. he has some weird sleeping positions and the others take photos whenever they find him sleeping somewhere.
- he’s pretty much like a cat
- eats messily sometimes (his dad especially hates this)
- favourite cake is chocolate mud cake (unoriginal i know but i don’t care)
- smells like rain and the earth, if warmth /home was a smell
- he’s a child of hades. geokinisis, death themes, cmon
- loves reading
- a big old nerd
- put ungodly amounts of sugar in his tea and coffee while the ninja (mostly zane) stare at him concerned
- his eyes reflect light in the dark like a cat. he’s scared jay a few times in the hallways at midnight when he’s just standing there, eyes glowing
- zones out a bit
- resting bitch face
- bc earth is both life and death, this ties into his ghostly abilities and possibly him using his powers for healing
184 notes
·
View notes
Text
The break up was a short and sweet mention in the Reunion comic where she makes the call to end their relationship. As far as what happened - (short answer): she just wasn't in a great place emotionally for it.
5am essay answer: Imo, they were a good match, but an extremely complicated one, even without the wonky canon writing of it. That relationship began shortly after the Theramore bomb and Jaina struggled back and forth coping with that trauma. Kalec has his own trauma that he carries, but he deals with his differently than Jaina and to me, was further along in his healing process. They're together for awhile, things are...okay, I guess? It's hard to say because we really didn't get much canon insight into this relationship. It wasn't fleshed out well or at all, really. But from what little we did get, I got the sense it was a solid blend of loving/happy times and rocky times. But the foundation of deep love between both of them was definitely there. But Jaina was falling to hate, losing her battle against her anger/fear of the Horde. At some point Kalec realizes that his care and love can't force Jaina into healing. His heart is getting worn down watching her essentially kill herself slowly and he couldn't save her. She has to want to heal and while he can be a very supportive partner in that process, he can't do the work for her. He basically throws down an ultimatum of "it's our relationship or your anger/hate" (paraphrasing). He didn't tell her any of this with malice in his voice or heart but it really just wasn't a great time and the phrasing could have been much better imo. So yeah, Jaina took that info with a mostly silent 'ok well fck me but mostly fck you' and gets pissed (hurt) and basically shuts down on Kalec right there. This icy shut down pretty much remains intact until some other drama happens where Jaina almost dies (like less than 10% hp). The novel leads us to believe she comes out of this near-death experience with a sort of renewed sense of hope and a desire to heal. There's this scene where she runs to Kalec, rushing into his arms for her rare PDA moment, kissing him deeply. She wants to be with Kalec and wants to get better. She ends up falling towards hate again after Varian's death, which leads into her rage quitting on her Dalaran responsibilities, ultimately leading into her leaving Kalec and ofc that leads into the beginnings of finally being on a more hard set healing journey, going off to solo-kill demons, going back to Kul Tiras, Daughter of the Sea stuff, ect ect ((I'm leaving a lot of details out of what little canon we got and they are all important details. I don't remember anything about this ship being mentioned in game. It started in the Tides of War novel, was mentioned in Dawn of the Aspects, most of the drama of it was in the Warcrimes novel. The comic mentioned the break up bit and then there's like a one or two sentence part where Kalec asks about Jaina bc he's still in love with her in the recently released wedding short story)) A lot of people hate the ship, hate Kalec. Obviously I'm very fond of this ship so the way I tell you "what happened" is wrapped within my positive perspective of it, my fondness for Kalecgos and belief that he's a very good dragon-man. But a lot of Jaina fans disagree with that and if someone else told you "what happened" you would get it from the perspective of Kalec being awful. So it's probably one of those things you'd need to read the canon for yourself and see how you feel.
I don’t read the books, so can someone tell me how Jaina and Kalecgos broke up? What happened?
29 notes
·
View notes
Text
”A Very Long and Comprehensive Analysis of Feyre’s Experience w/ Trauma and Abuse
- This is not a kind analysis of Nesta but please still read it if you want. It’s not in the wrong tags tho so please don’t rant about how much you love Nesta. I love that for you. Personally, I hate her. :)
Also- I use many of the quotes that @feysandlover and @dont-rattle-aelin used to prove her point that Nesta is abusive because she pulled many of the really jarring ones.
I was looking through the Rhysand tag and for some reason someone posted something comparing Nesta and Feyre in terms of their trauma, and they said that Nesta had experienced way more trauma than Feyre and I-
That’s disgusting.
First - don’t compare trauma
Second- they were wrong and lacked critical thinking skills that left out Feyre’s full experience with abuse
Nesta was sexually assaulted ( which nobody talks about enough) and her family’s fortune flipped making them poor overnight. Because of this she fostered anger towards her father. I get that. I sympathize with that. She is then taken away from her life and forcefully changed into fae. I cannot imagine what that felt like for her. It must have been devastating. Her whole identity was shifted in one day and she went from hating fae to being fae. Confusing and overwhelming. She then goes into war and develops PTSD and depression from her experiences. She sees her father die and is unable to reconcile her anger and his death. It’s horrible and I cannot even begin to understand the depth of her emotions here. I have zero issue saying that about Nesta because it’s true she has gone through extaordinary trauma and I cannot imagine how she fully feels. She deals with this trauma in unhealthy ways because they only exacerbate her feelings of worthlessness. Not her fault. However, she also treats Mor and Feyre and Rhys in disrespectful ways and Cassian and her have an unhealthy dynamic where they insult each other. Her and Amren have a shaky and partner like relationship but it is by no means a sturdy one. Az and Nesta don’t seem to have a relationship at all. She has no true healthy relationship with anyone but Elain, and you could argue even that is not truly healthy.
Much of Nesta’s trauma is due to extraneous factors and a multitude or variables. It’s valid and it matters just as much as Feyres. They are both real. However the amount of traumatic experiences she has gone through does not come close to rivaling that of Feyre’s and to even try and compare them is disgusting. Trauma should never be compared but I want to show Feyre’s experience in a broader light to show her development from a scared girl to high lady
Feyre was never an active abuser in any relationship she was always the one being abused. Nesta was abused and she was also the abuser. It is important to point that out because it heavily impacts Feyre’s story.
Also, I believe the reason Feyre became so accustomed and slipped so easily into being a victim to Tamlins abuse is because Feyre was already the victim of emotional abuse from her sisters. We see this everyday, research shows that victims of abuse go back to abusive relationship and form new relationships that center around abuse because they are used to it and find it comforting. This is an extraneous point that you can agree with or can argue against it’s just a personal connection I made. However, it is very evident how Nesta and Elains treatment of Feyre affects her. She has no self confidence, she remains illiterate and with no real knowledge of polite manners ( something important in the real world, something that holds her back from being able to assimilate into the real world), her spirit is broken down at home because she knows that verbal attacks are going to come and Nesta is going to lash out and say horrible disgusting things to her if she asks her to do something or holds her accountable for her lack of work. She is constantly degraded for everything that she does and it has a pronoucned effect on her psyche throughout the trilogy and novella.
Like Nesta, Feyre also had to go through her family losing their fortune, she also had to bear the weight of her promise to her mother, she had to support her sisters financially going into the forest alone to hunt animals just as big as herself at 14. She never had money for herself because her sisters took it from her. Like they literally took all her money to buy things they did not need, leaving Feyre with basically nothing.
“I’d love a new cloak,” Elain said at last with a sigh, at the same moment Nesta rose and declared: “I need a new pair of boots.””“I kept quiet, knowing better than to get in the middle of one of their arguments, but I glanced at Nesta’s still-shiny pair by the door. Beside hers, my too-small boots were falling apart at the seams, held together only by fraying laces... I drowned them out as they began quarreling over who would get the money the hide would fetch tomorrow…”
And Nesta complains and whines and doesn’t stop gaslighting Feyre because of her lack of hard work. But, she doesn’t want to do work herself because she thinks it’s beneath her.
“I thought you were going to chop wood today. Nesta picked at her long, neat nails. “I hate chopping wood. I always get splinters. She glanced up from beneath her dark lashes. Of all of us, Nesta looked the most like our mother—especially when she wanted something. “Besides, Feyre,” she said with a pout, “you’re so much better at it! It takes you half the time it takes me. Your hands are suited for it—they’re already so rough.” My jaw clenched. “Please,” I asked, calming my breathing, knowing an argument was the last thing I needed or wanted. “Please get up at dawn to chop that wood.” I unbuttoned the top of my tunic. “Or we’ll be eating a cold breakfast.” Her brows narrowed. “I will do no such thing!”
She doesn’t care about Feyre or the fact that starving is their new reality. Poverty is what they live in. We all know if Feyre didn’t go hunting Nesta would be furious at Feyre and belittle her and make her feel small and responsible for their hunger.
“Take those disgusting clothes off.”
“Any bit of praise for anyone—me, Elain, other villagers—usually resulted in her dismissal.”
“Is there a problem, Feyre?” She flung my name like an insult, and my jaw ached from clenching it so hard.”
“You stink like a pig covered in its own filth. Can’t you at least try to pretend that you’re not an ignorant peasant?”c“Take those disgusting clothes off.”
“What do you know?” Nesta breathed. “You’re just a half-wild beast with the nerve to bark orders at all hours of the day and night. Keep it up, and someday—someday, Feyre, you’ll have no one left to remember you, or to care that you ever existed.” She stormed off, Elain darting after her, cooing her sympathy.
Then Tamlim comes and kidnaps her. More trauma. She falls in love with him, I think partly because of Stockholm Syndrome and also because he shows her a level of kindness that she was not given at home, and then he disappears so she has to go back to her life with her sisters. Her sisters have all the benefits of her being stolen away bcs Feyre was able to provide their old house and wealth back through Tamlin’s gift. Her sisters literally never did anything to provide for themselves or help their father or sister. If you really think about that situation as a whole it’s devastating. Then she goes to save Tamlin and finds that her home and her loved one was basically destroyed. She goes to save him.
While under the mountain Amarantha humiliates and tortures her for fun. She makes her run around trying to get away from a monster, her illiteracy is exploited for amusement while she is under pressure of death by fire, she is forced to kill fae in order to save her love, and she has to suffer with her injuries in a basement where everyone is rooting against her.
Then she fucking dies. And like Nesta she is forced to become fae in order to survive. Like she can’t catch a break. Her whole life has really just been horrible and so traumatic. A series of abuses.
That’s not even all! She goes home and is deeply depressed and struggling with PTSD and Tamlin, who she literally was tortured and died to save, takes advantage of her sexually because he is too scared to acknowledge that she is struggling. He uses her body for his pleasure while she throws up every night after he leaves her bedroom due to the nightmares she gets from saving hundreds of fae. She is also forced to fit into a box that she doesn’t want- wearing dresses, pretending to be happy, becoming a figurehead as Tamlins bride knowing that it means she will have to be submissive and have children. Lucien emotionally abused her and ignores her obvious depression because of his own fear of what Tamlin would say. He is a bystander. She is so broken that she stops caring about everything, even painting, the one thing she always loved. Then he traps her in his house which is traumatizing again because she was just trapped under the mountain! Even the people she loved, the people she trusted, continually can’t stop abusing her.
She finds happiness and stability later on after intensive work on herself, and months of building healthy relationships, but she is still troubled because of the guilt she feels from the townsfolks anger and their sense of righteousness for her actions even though she did the best she could in every circumstance. When she goes to try and save those townspeople it becomes clear that Nesta still hates her. She shows Feyre no kindness. The only reason she is allowed to use the house, the one that Feyre got for them, was because of Elain. Even after that Nesta insults her repeatedly for being fae. Those statments from the first book that I quoted higher up in this post are just a small part of how she speaks to Feyre in the following three books after she finds out that she is fae. Even after Feyre saves her and supports her she continues abusing and blaming Feyre. She continues to insult. degrade, shame, and humiliate her to uplift her own lack of self worth. Its a technique to stop her own insecurity and depression but it is in no way excusable. It’s no wonder Rhysand hates her. She abused his mate for years- something that he experienced under the mountain (shame, gaslighting, and humiliation). That is her life. She goes on to see her father murdered. She suffered so much in such a short amount of time is a wonder she wasn’t more broken.
Don’t come to me saying Nesta experienced more trauma to prove your point that Nesta is a good person and not responsible for her actions because she “feels to much” and is a woman that is cruel, and prideful, and unapologetic “bcs that’s who she is.” She has to be held accountable for her actions, her attitude, and her lack of words and apologies to everyone she wronged- especially her sister.
Feyre sacrifices her childhood, her body, her mental health, and her life in order to provide the stability that her sisters felt was their norm. They are inherently priviledged because of that sacrifice. They felt and still feel entitled to her money, and her loyalty, and that of her friends and mate. They survive because of Feyre. And Feyre never once called them out on their behavior, not even when they continually disrespected her after she provided them with a place to live and money to live off of. This was due to her feelings of guilt and the trauma that she had continually been victim to as a child and in Tamlins court.
Some of y’all use the excuse that they never asked Feyre to do any of that and I’m genuinely appalled that that is even a response to her genuine sacrifice. Her mother asked her to take care of them. Nobody was stepping up. Nesta was not going to go into the forest and neither was Elain, both for different but equally disappointing reasons. They both would have let the family starve. Also, Nesta and Elain were both older than her. Elain and Nesta as Feyre’s old sisters should have, and had a responsibility, to ensure that Feyre didn’t have to do what she did. Their apathy and ungrateful attitude is disgusting. Disgusting and unforgivable. Sure, Feyre may have been able to do it but she never should have had to. The three of them should have figured out a plan of equal work to give and take and survive. Y’all saying that Feyre never had to do that I- ... do you not have a family? Do you not have loved ones? You don’t have to do something to help your family, but you do it anyway because you love them and you hate to see them suffer. It’s just that usually you aren’t being exploited and taken advantage of at 14, for years on end, because the sentiment is usually reciprocated.
Perhaps if they had taken better care of their younger sister she would not have been in the woods and killed the fae. Perhaps all three of them would have bore the brunt of their fathers injury together and made a family. Perhaps if she hadn’t killed the fae in the forest when she was starving due to her sisters laziness, Elain and Nesta would never have been forced into being fae.
They neglected Feyre. They aren’t as responsible for her as their father ofc but they actively neglected her and Nesta even slut shamed her for her consensual sexual relationship with Isaac. The one thing she had that her sisters couldn’t take and Nesta called her filthy and disgusting for it.
“At least I don’t have to resort to rutting in the hay with Isaac Hale like an animal.”
Nesta remains unapologetic and to me she is not a feminist character. Sarah J Mass tried to use her as that trope to fulfill her idea of a “powerful woman” icon but she’s just a cruel and traumatized woman who people let off the hook. She gets away with it because she gaslights other characters while taking no responsibility for herself. She was abused and traumatized herself but that’s never an excuse for her in turn abusing someone else.
Now I don’t mean to say that Nesta or Elain are irredeemable. Frankly I think they both have potential to be good characters if they just apologized to Feyre in the next book, and really put those sentiments into actions. I do think Nesta is a bad person right now, I think she’s an abuser. And I think it’s hard for abusers to change their pattern of abuse. Elain is less of an outright abuser and more complicit in the abuse. I don’t know if either of them can change, but they definitely won’t if people keep letting them off the hook for their disgusting behavior. I am not impressed or charmed by either of them. Until they show a hint of gratitude and remorse to their sister because as y’all can tell she went through hell to make sure they were taken care of. Not to say that they didn’t do anything for Feyre. They both had important roles to play in the war, and they do have their moments of kindness and bravery and showed they cared for Feyre but abusers can be kind and considerate and brave one minute and then switch up just as fast. It’s about showing a consistent pattern of respect and love.
Just because Feyre took care of Elain and Nesta their whole damn life does not mean she has to be responsible for them as high lady. Also she is not responsible for knowing how to deal with their trauma. Her own abuse, and lack of real world experience- because Nesta and Elain never taught her to read, and Nesta continually degraded and made cruel remarks to Feyre about her lack of manners “ disgusting pig, take off your clothes didn’t anyone teach you ...” (manners she didn’t develop because she was in the forest)- means she is not perfect at confronting Nestas PTSD or depression. Feyre’s intention was always good, whereas you can’t tell me that Nestas was good and pure. She is not exempt from being respectful and kind because she is hurt and has mental illnesses. She is not exempt from apologizing because she “feels to much.”
This applies to all of the IC as well. They are all healing. They all experienced trauma that rivals what Feyre went through. It’s no wonder they built a family from that shared bond. They are healing together- not healed. Nesta is not entitled to Feyre’s care or her friends kindness. She is not entitled to be added into the group painting or their secret jokes or parties because she continues to push them all away. Then she insults them and disrespects them. The inner circle has already suffered so much they are not exactly going to be open to accepting Nesta knowing her history and her current actions and remarks, and the history of the IC. Do y’all not remember Mors family nailing a stake into her body for losing her virginity? Or Cassian, Az, and Rhys being forced to bond together to survive, being called bastards, and being ganged up on by all their peers? Rhys being sexually abused for 50 years and seeing his parents murdered? Az being stuck in a basement so long he became the shadows and his hands being burned so badly they were hard to look at? Or Amren being in the wrong body for centuries and still she and all of the IC remain a family because they try to understand each other and their experiences. Nesta was not only rude to them she was cruel and spiteful, especially to their high lady, and they don’t need an excuse, but especially as victims of abuse, they are not perfect, and they sure as hell are not obligated to embrace Nesta into their family. The IC and Feyre deserve better.
A lot of people have posed the argument that if Nesta was male everyone would love her but I disagree. If an older brother let his sister go hunting alone in the woods for years while sitting on his ass, slut shamed her and called her dirty and disgusting, blamed her for her family’s poverty and spoke to her like she was trash for years and years, verbally and emotionally belittled her, felt entitled to her possessions and her kindness while they were both struggling to heal from abuse, predisposes his sister to accepting abuse as a form of relationship, and then rather than apologize “steels [her] back” and says nothing-not even an apology or a thank you for saving their life tenfold- he would never even have gotten a redemption story, or a mate, let alone a 700 page book. He would be the most hated character in the series but because it’s Nesta and she’s a woman and y’all pose her as this feminist it’s okay that shes abusive all throughout the series.
#tw abuse#anti nesta archeron#anti nesta#anti nessian#nesta archeron#nesta#anti elain archeron#elain archeron#elain#feyre#rhysand#rhys#feysand#morigan#cassian#azriel#amren#lucian#tamlin#a court of#acotar#a court of thorns and roses#acomaf#a court of mist and fury#acowar#a court of wings and ruin#acofas#a court of frost and starlight#acosf#a court of silver flames
485 notes
·
View notes
Note
Would you mind sharing your thoughts about vex and Beau being cross campaign foils?
so!!!! first things first: apologies for taking weeks to answer this, finals + having adhd sometimes makes my brain turn to mush and forget every ask ive ever recieved. second of all, i’m assuming you sent me this bc of what i said in my vm vs. m9 how they view the world meta. and i’ll be real with you. i have exactly 0 memory of what was going through my head when i wrote that line, so i am simply going to type out a bunch of thoughts that i have on the similarities and differences between beau and vex and i hope that lives up to what you were expecting jsdflksjdksld
I'll detail some specifics in a moment, but overall, I think beau and vex share a very similar kind of trauma of exclusion in their formative years, that's caused them to have a lot of similar traits that manifest in different ways - for vex, she maintains control through her material posessions and beau finds an emotional control in her asshole-ness. I've broken this down into 5 points on which I think comparing the two really emphasizes that claim:
1. daddy issues: both beau and vex have awful no good terrible very bad dads. both syldor and thoreau can suck my ass. they both raised their kids with little love and impossible-to-meet expectations, alientating them and leaving them with lifelong feelings of inferiority and unbelonging. If beau and vex were to meet, i think they would have a very friendly toast to shitty dads, and then have a good drunk vent about it an hour later.
but, at the same time, the actual minutae of their trauma and the ways it manifests are nearly polar opposites. syldor wanted nothing to do with vex, or else wanted her to somehow become a full elf. her issue was that she would never be able to belong, despite her desire to, and as she grew up it lead to her being overly protective and even possessive of the people she found who DID accept her as she was.
With beau, rather than exclusion, her father created an environment of toxic inclusion. He created a role for beau to belong in, disregarding her distate for actually fulfilling it. And, as such, she ended up making herself into someone who could have no expectations and pushed away anyone who tried to set them up for her. In the end, they both came to love themselves by abandoning the woman their father wanted them to be but for vex it was the laying down of an impossible dream and for beau it was the picking up of a mantle she had feared to wear.
2. brothers: now, on the topic of family, I also think its really interesting how their interactions with their brothers play out. We've got vex and vax, tied at the hip til the very end and then some; and then we've got beau and TJ - decades apart and with beau barely acknolwedging TJ's existence. But, even that distance between beau and TJ didn't stop her caring for him when they actually met. She gave him lucky Jade, and she entertained the idea of kidnapping him to get him away from her stinko dad.
And I'd espeically like to talk about what she said outside the hag's hut - "I think Luc and TJ could be best friends", in comparison to the way Vex reacted when Vax told her was going to Zephrah with Keyleth for the year break. There's an aspect to the way they interact with their brothers that lets them slip back into those bad habits they formed growing up (NOT that i'm claiming vex and vax were like toxic for each other. but even good relationships can have unhealthy moments).
With Beau, when she offers to give her happiness so TJ can grow up safe, she's trying to take on the role she's ""supposed"" to fill - the big sister, the protector - because she failed to fill the one her father set out. And with Vex, when she grows jealous of Vax, it's because she's afraid that his leaving with keyleth is a sign that she no longer belongs in his inner circle, and she falls back on that childish, desperate desire to do anything to be accepted unconditionally.
3. romance: spoilers for 5 or so most recent m9 eps (115-120) if you haven't watched them ahead!!!! at this point, both vex and beau have an endgame romance - percy and yasha respectively. Obviously as the m9's campaign is still playing out, that could change, but like. yasha wrote her a love letter and they're officially going on a date so i'm counting that as at least endgame-track rather than just random flirting. What's interesting to me is that they both seem to flip between the SAME roles between their (in-game) general perception and their actual pursual of romance.
Vex gets characterized as a pretty big flirt, right? She's got the winks, the casual "darling". She's flashed grog her boobs on multiple instances with little prompting. Beau, similarly, has easily the most game out of anyone in the m9. She's slept with two guest characters and at least one more npc in the events of the game. Caleb made her a fuck mirror in her room in the mansion. And yet, in both of their actual romantic endeavors, they became the shy, uncertain type.
Vex only confessed her feelings when Percy was laying dead before her, and not an hour of game play before percy kissed her in the woods, she had a talk with vax about how she was pretty sure he didn't like her that way and she didn't want to pursue it. Beau, similarly, spent a very long time convinced that yasha wasn't looking for love after zuala, especially not in anyone like her, asked everyone in the party if they thought yasha ACTUALLY liked her, just to be safe, and then still terrified to ask her out after recieving a literal love letter. I'd argue this shift comes from that same sense of unbelonging - they're very good at pretending they fit a role but doubt their actual right to take it when the opportunity is presented. This time, the role is the lover rather than the daughter.
4. authority: Both vex and beau grew up shunned by the upper crust of society, and grew to mistrust those kinds of people. And yet, both of their arcs result in them assuming such a position. Vex, thrown out of high society gets her place as a baronness, and Beau, running from leadership of her father's business ends up a top member of the Cobalt Soul. There's not a lot here, but I find it interesting how both of their stories involve them shedding their baggage regarding authority and power and assuming it in a way that they feel comfortable in - invitation by someone she trusts for vex, and a promise of freedom of will and control for beau.
5. their deadliest sins: this is the point at which their similarities culminate and transform to a fundamental difference. despite everything they share - shitty childhoods, the small piece of family that's still good, flirtiness masking shy love, and a mistrust of those in power - vex and beau are such different characters because of their biggest vices. Vex, both in game and out, is "the greedy one". She's stingy with money, she haggles for everything, she mourns the loss of physical objects. Beau is "the mean one". She cares little for people's feelings if they're not in her immediate circle, she focuses on her tough guy image, she laughs at things she knows she shouldn't.
And, over the course of the campaign, as they find unconditional acceptance, they grow away from these traits (I won't say they grow out of them) because they heal from the things causing these vices to begin with. I've always been vocal about vex's greed being a manifestation of her class insecurity, and beau's asshole-ness stemming from her fear of being forced back into another position of complacency. And I stand by that now - all the similarities in their backstories are what tally up to these different women.
Despite her careful tally of party funds and her reflexive bargaining, vex is not cruel. she is not angry on her own behalf. She saves two boys from the market in the city of brass at great personal cost, she relinquishes an entire dragon's hoard to the devastated city of Westruun, she took the time to save a baby bear from a cage when she could have just cut and run after escaping her own. She's the first one most people go to when they need a shoulder to cry on, and she's devastated when they don't (thinkin about when Scanlan left). She carved "forgiveness" into the bow she stole from a man after killing him by proclaiming how much she loved someone, because she knew anger had no place in her heart.
And Beau, Beau is a bitch and she's harsh, but she doesn't hoard or protect like vex did. she spends her money without much of a second thought. She pitches in to help her friends buy a ton of glowsticks, and she loves to indulge in material desires like drink and good food and the nicer inn room. She's a member of an organization that's about making knowledge public rather than guarding it. And, though this may be controversial, I think her position with bowlgate of "its not our problem what cali wants to do with it", her long-standing mistrust of their alliance with the bright queen and and more recently with the tomb takers of "i want to go in and talk, rather than assuming they're antagonistic, even if it puts us at a disadvantage" are both examples of this non-possessiveness too - she has no need or desire to get involved in controlling what other people are doing.
so, i guess the general conclusion here is: vex struggles to let go of things, of money, of people. beau struggles to let herself be known in case she gets wrongly interpreted again. they both fight feelings of inadequacy, they both fight the feelings of not belonging, of 'doing it wrong', they fight the perception of them as shitty people because of the shells they hide in despite their absolute hearts of gold. but at the end of the day, vex's story is one of having to lay down what could never be hers so she can carry what is, and beau's story is one of allowing herself to be known so a place can be made for her.
#hope this is what you and that other anon were looking for jdsflkdsajfsaldfsa#critical role#vexahlia#beauregard#long post
44 notes
·
View notes
Note
4, 6, and 8 for Aria plz
Sure! I love talking about my girl and these are some really interesting questions 👀
The answers ran long and are also kinda heavy (tw for mentions of both abuse and suicide!) so I’m keeping them under the cut so I don’t flood the tl with my ramblings 🥲
4: What is their least favourite childhood memory?
Ooh, she had a LOT of these. (There’s one in particular but I put it as the answer to question 8 bc it fit that question more tbh)
One of her worst memories was from the first time she went to Princess Prom. She was invited as a plus one to Entrapta, and being a young teenager with a head full of romantic fairytales and fantasies she was SO EXCITED. A royal ball filled with handsome Princes and Princesses? It was the perfect place for her to finally meet her one true love! Alas, her childlike naivety was only bound to get her hurt. After a few hours at the ball the slow dance began (her plus one was off performing social experiments), and like everyone else she rushed to the dance floor to find a partner...only to be completely sidelined. Anyone she approached would brush her off or turn to someone else. As the music started and everyone began to waltz back and forth, she just stood there, alone, surrounded by everyone paired up and ignoring her.
Disillusioned and heartbroken, she fled the ballroom in tears and spent the rest of the night hiding and crying her eyes out. After that her self esteem totally shattered. She believed that she was unlovable, worthless, and that she’d be lucky if anyone at all even cared about her romantically. After that she had a habit of falling into toxic relationships, since since she was so afraid of being alone that she would settle for anyone, even if they treated her like garbage. It’s why she has so many terrible exes 😔
6: What is the hardest thing they’ve ever had to do?
Swallowing her grief over losing Horde Prime by a LONGSHOT. His death utterly destroyed her, but the part that hurt the most was that she wasn’t allowed to mourn him.
The moment he was gone she had to turn her attention to all the Clones, lost and afraid without a leader. She had to bottle up all her anger over being sold out by the rebellion, imprisoned and enslaved by the Horde, and being betrayed by some of the most important people in her life. She had to plaster on a happy face and play dignitary to the people who had caused her lifelong trauma in order to help a kingdom she was unprepared to rule alone and it broke her. She had to nod and smile as they spoke ill of her dead husband to her face (I know he had it coming but right in front of his widow??? Fr???) and let them walk all over her in order to keep the peace. Keeping up the illusion genuinely destroyed her, physically and mentally. It got to the point that she made several attempts on her own life because the burden was just too much to bear.
Honestly her downward spiral into villainy was probably the healthiest thing she ever did, because she finally got the chance to unleash all her pent up rage and anger against the people who caused it, and even after whatever attempts at destruction she made failed miserably, she FULLY broke down and was able to properly mourn what she had lost. One the Velvet Glove was fixed and they left Etheria, she stepped down as Empress for a while so she could finally start to heal. It was in that time she also found Horde Prime’s original vessel, still intact, and was able to get some much needed closure and move onto probably the first healthy relationship she’d ever had in her life. (I also like to imagine that she somehow found a way to hold the alliance accountable for their actions, but that’s another story for another day :p)
8: What do you think had the biggest impact on them growing up?
By far? The way she was her mother treated her as a child. One event in particular had a HUGE influence on her as a person but I haven’t really talked about it until now.
Her mother always treated her terribly, being the eldest daughter Aria was either neglected in favour of her younger brothers or being forced to look after them so that she could relax (and laze about on the couch drinking wine). Being about 5 years old she wasn’t particularly happy about this and one day she had the absolute audacity to ask her mom to stop neglecting her. She did NOT take that question well and flew into a drunken rage. Screaming, shouting, throwing things, but it all came to a head when she picked up an empty wine bottle and smashed it against her infant daughter’s face. Thankfully the magic connected to Aria was starting to develop and she was able to heal herself, but she wasn’t strong enough to fix everything, and that’s how she ended up with the scar underneath her eye.
The incident naturally messed Aria up for life, but it also informed a lot of her personality as an adult. After that she became afraid to voice her opinion in fear of punishment, causing her to repress her feelings to an unhealthy degree. Her desire to nurture and care for others didn’t just stem from any natural kindheartedness but also as a stress response; she needed to take responsibility to ease the constant sense of dread her mother’s abuse instilled in her, and she wanted to make sure that no one ever had to suffer the way she did. It was also the reason she wears her hair the way she does. Whenever she had her scar on display people would get curious and ask, and she would have to relive it all over again. After meeting Prime she finally started keeping her hair out of her eyes, as she finally learnt to stop bottling up her trauma.
#thanks for the ask! I LOVE infodumping about my oc’s trauma THATS WHAT ITS ALL ABOUT BABEY!!!#JUST A PIGEON GIRL WHO’S REALLY DOWN BAD AGDKDGSKDH#spop oc#she ra oc#aria
11 notes
·
View notes