#I need to finish cleaning my room
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@soullesspaci. Loser how dare you see my post/j
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current vibe is eating peanut butter M&M’s I got from this guys mom after I helped her embarrass him, and slowly loosing my will to live
#I need to finish cleaning my room#But I have no desire to#i just want to not#losing my mind#give me motivation#Please#okay bye
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I've been self employed for years now and i still struggle to not beat myself up over "not working enough"
from experience i know my limits which are about 4-6h of focused work for 4-5 days a week. I logically know if i push it i will burn out and crash bad i also know that most people genuinely can only work 2-5h/day.
i know that but i still sit there feeling bad about finishing work at 4pm. which is really stupid.
idk if nothing else i just want to put this out there so hopefully some people can make better choices and don't feel bad about them
#i also do a lot of extra work on my laptop in the evenings/on weekends which i need to Stop#but yeah if i push it everything just crumbles because I don't have energy left to take care of myself. clean or cook. and stick to minimum#cleaning with the pets so i come out of grinding myself to a paste#and my rooms are a mess. the duckweed has overtaken. there is so much lime on the glass and leon has the most impressive stolen cardboard#collection. it takes me up to a week to sort everything back out and recover#at that point i could have just. taken an extra week to finish work and been normal about it
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it's so frustrating that i could get so much done if i actually did things instead of just sitting here .....
#executive dysfunction#..... fuck that stupid baka bs#how do i stoppppp thissss i hate itttt#like im so stressed bc it's 2pm and i need to shower go for walk buy dinner make dinner#finish my assignment and start my next one#clean and tidy in my room a bit#and im like omfggg thats so much how will i ever get that done#but IF i just did all of that i would have no problem fitting all of that into today#it's just sooooo hard for me to actually do anything and i hate it and i cry out of frustration bc WHY cant i stop this#when i was in school i used to be in school for 7hrs then get home and go for walks and hang out w friends and clean and do homework#now it's like ok i went for a walk now i have to retire for the day bye#!!!!!!!!!! hate it
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So, my mom was telling me how much free time I have, and I was like, "I have no freetime wth do you mean?????" And I just wanna see if this is like. A normal way to think of things?
Things I need to do:
Finish reading icebound land
Make a whole lotta art that I promised people
Research study abroad programs
At least one Dutch lesson a day
Keep my room clean
Talk to my friends so they know I love them (and so I don't go insane)
My math homework
Keep myself clean (showers, finally brushing my teeth after months, etc etc) so I don't go insane
Eat at 7pm
Various things I enjoy as to not go insane
All from 6pm to 9 pm, every day, after being at school from 8 am to 3:30 pm and then The Public (teen center) from 3:30 to 5:30, and I need to be in bed by 9:30 and asleep by 10:00
So, basically, I'm "on the clock" from 7 am (When I start getting ready for school) until 9 pm, with no breaks
But yeah no I totally have free time. Yeaup
#“but you never actually do that stuff! you just sit and scroll!”#yeah cause if I'm not doing what I need to I'm not Allowed to do anything else#but I'm just. too tired. to do what I need yo#I hate high school#rambles#adhd#executive dysfunction#<- I've heard that this kinda mental math can be a symptom of those things? idk#im so tired#burnout#adhd burnout#(????? I think????)#high school#I'm just so tired of all of this#the sun is going down way too early and I barely speak at all at school and I never finish work early anymore and the teen center is loud#and I still want to be active in the fandom but I don't have time to make posts anymore#and I don't have any in person friends anymore and I don't know when the last time I got a hug was#and I'm just. so. tired. my room is clean and I have good grades and I talk to my friends everyday and I shower routinely#why the hell am I so stressed#I do everything I'm supposed to do#I just want to go somewhere else man#The Netherlands hopefully#I wanna actually DO something#go on a trip for band#not just finish the work put in front of me day after day after day after day#I wasn't built for this shit#I'm so fucking tired
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I've referenced before how I have a big google document to keep track of every media I've ever seen in my entire life (just for reference because I like to track everything possible lol… I am the Data Collector), but recently as I was updating it, I thought of actually evaluating them to find out random percentages (like for example, out of Total Shows Watched, what percentage did I finish vs. stop watching, what percentage did I like or dislike, etc.)...
Evaluating these things is made easier by the fact that I already place everything on each subsection of the list into 6 broad ranking categories, so I don't have to go back and guess to figure out how I feel about them or anything. The categories are: Ranking 5 - overall best* (despite some criticisms of course because I'm too much of an Analyzer to ever find anything Perfect lol) Ranking 4 - more positive than neutral, but not good enough to be 5 Ranking 3 - either the good + bad negate each other, OR it's just not memorable/interesting in any way enough to be ranked higher or lower (this is the Default category ALL things are placed in if no other rank applies) Ranking 2 - maybe a few redeemable elements but largely more negatives than positives Ranking 1 - So bad that it circles around to being fascinating to observe in some way (not necessarily Funny, or Good, but just interesting somehow) Ranking 0 - Bad in a genuinely frustrating or obnoxious manner
*("best" primarily defined here as most interesting, rather than most good in a technical sense, or some other measure. I tend to value more highly whether there's something novel or thoughtful about the worldbuilding, tone, writing, base premise, etc - than about whether it's actually executed perfectly.)
And here's the amount of shows that have so far been placed into each category -
TV shows ~ Rank 5 (highest) - 20 shows ~ Rank 4 (mid-high) - 28 shows ~ Rank 3 (neutral/default/meh) - 114 shows ~ Rank 2 (mid low) -33 shows ~ Rank 1 (low low but intriguingly so) - 14 shows ~ Rank 0 (iredeemably low) - 2 shows
This would make for a total of 211 TV shows overall. However, there are 57 shows within these list marked as "didn't finish" (typically meaning I quit on the very first or second episode - but log them still to keep a record that I at least had a brief view of them).
So my total of genuinely fully watched shows would be more 154. 211 Total, but a More Accurate Total of 154.
Counting them all and using the Total Number Of The List (211) -- that means roughly 9.5% of all total shows I have ever watched (or at least attempted to watch) have been Mostly Good, 13% have been Moderately Okay, 54% have been either entirely Forgettable or some mix of good + bad that lands them right in the Neutral Middle, 15.6% have been Mostly Bad, 6.6% have been Bad (but in an interesting way), and 0.9% have been Terribly Bad.
Additionally, I didn't even get past the first two episodes of about 27% of the total.
Sooo, discounting ones I didn't finish, my total TV shows ever watched in my life would be about 154 (maybe give or take a few, assuming I might have forgotten some from very long ago).
But instead of entire life, let's just say this is the total for 'About 20 Years' (so, not counting very early childhood when I likely wouldn't remember things I saw/have no detailed recollection of them (like for example, I'm sure at some point when I was like 4yrs old I must have seen an episode of Spongebob or something, but I have zero distinct memories of it, can't quote anything of it, and barely recall the premise - so I don't count it on the list, etc.)).
In that case, 154 divided by 20 would be roughly 7.7 shows a year.
Which is actually surprisingly low considering that I often have stuff on in the background for hours whilst I make sculptures and do costumes and stuff (maybe I should have also marked some distinction between 'things I fully paid attention to' and 'things I kind of half listened to whilst sculpting', but that would further split the categories too much probably lol), but I guess a lot of that is youtube videos or random documentaries, so .. eh.. maybe I get it being lower.
Now, doing the same thing for movies-
Movies ~ Rank 5 (highest) - 4 movies (3.4% of total) ~ Rank 4 (mid-high) - 12 movies (10.3% of total) ~ Rank 3 (neutral/default/meh) - 91 movies (78.4% of total) ~ Rank 2 (mid low) - 8 movies (6.8% of total) ~ Rank 1 (low but interesting) - 1 movie (0.8% of total) ~ Rank 0 (irredeemably low) - none in this category (0%)
That makes 116 for a Total (Actually Remembered) Movies Watched In Lifetime (Or At Least In 20 Years).
116 divided by 20 is roughly 5 or 6 movies a year (I feel this has probably been skewed though by adding everything since like elementary school onwards, as I remember a lot more movies from child/teen years.. Whereas, the past 3 years I feel like I've barely seen maybe even 5 movies?? lol). I also have "Didn't Finish" marked on 18 of them. Which means I quit halfway through about 15% of the total movies.
So, a for broader summary stuff..
I seem to be less forgiving to movies than tv shows, by far. Which makes sense to me, I guess, because I love elaboration and details, so "short form" things that only last an hour or two are often lost on me a bit. My biggest complaint with movies is indeed usually walking away just wishing there had been more exposition, more scenes where characters are doing nothing, more "mindless bantering" conversations, more Quiet Downtime and Lore Elaboration and so on lol, so... of course most 1-2hr films end up feeling a bit Not Enough To Draw My Interest/Nothingy to me.
If you count 5 and 4 as "like" and rankings 2 to 0 as "dislike", then for TV shows I at least somewhat liked 48 of them, and at least somewhat disliked 47 of them.. So it's almost exactly the same lol. I'm just about equally as likely to find something bad as I am to find something redeeming about it. But overall, the largest chance is that I just won't really care much for it at all and it will be tossed into the 'neutral' pile, forgotten forever. Movies have a bit better of a balance, "liking" 16 of them, and "disliking" only 9 of them. So I'm slightly more likely to enjoy a movie than to find it annoying - though still VASTLY more likely to just not find it anything in particular, possibly not even finishing it.
ANYWAY.. this is vague and literally pointless, but like I said, I just really find information fun. Like my document where I've rated every apple flavor I've ever tried (like 40 of them now?), or reviewed every oreo flavor (32?), or ranking data from my entire 10 years of Trying To Make Friends process (out of 100 people, roughly 8% chance of a moderate compatibility, 3% chance of high), or etc. etc.. I love to have random pointless things to analyze I suppose lol.
I doubt anyone tracks things in their life in this same exact way, but I'd be interested in hearing any at least somewhat similar data !!! (like, how many TV shows you watch a year on average, and what percentage of those you like vs. dislike (if you keep track of that sort of thing), etc.)). I guess it might be easier with movies, since I think some people use those websites where you curate a list of movies you've seen and you can rate them or something, so maybe the numbers are already available on those places. :0
#maybe this is my version of spotify wrapped lol.. Lifetime Media Google Doc Wrapped.. kind of.. except I'm not going over specific titles.#I can't do this with music since I rarely EVER look for new music or add to my Youtube To MP3 folder library as I just don't really#listen to music that often. When I'm working (the majority of when I seek background noise) I need like.. people's talking voices#for some reason. Just instruments and singing are not distracting enough to me to work as background noise because theyre#almost TOO in the background if that makes sense? like if I put music on then I just tune it out and it's virtually no different#than if I were daydreaming stream of consciousness thoughts in an entirely quiet room lol. And I can't really do it with books since#essentially 100% of what I read is non-fiction. usually about some specific subject or academic topic OR stuff like#1800s magazines or cookbooks or historical people's diaries. Which is not really.. the type of thing I would#rank as easily I guess? like 'ooh yeah putting the sociology textbook in my top 5 hee hee right next to the 1920s radio recipes book' lol.#Then for games... I just sadly dont play enough of them. I've been banned from new games as I've told myself I cant play anyting#long form (no rpgs or etc) until I actually finish MY OWN game first - to keep me from wasting time. so on average#I play... 0 new games a year. ToT... I do play the sims sometimes but that's really all (which is not a new game at all since#I've been playing it on and off for years). Thus I guess movies/TV are really the only things that make sense#to collect this sort of information on. I could do youtube videos I guess also but that seems kind of strange like...#giving a rating to every single video I watch in a ranked list lol.. Especially since I would say a good 85% of the time#they are exclusively background noise whilst I'm working on something or cleaning the house or etc. and not things I pay serious attention#to. There are only a few specific topics/types/creators of videos I watch where I'm ACTUALLY sitting in front of a screen paying#direct attention to the content (usually when it's educational or political things). Everything else is too mindless to even rank.#ANYWAY... ever analyzing my little hermit Weird Relationship To Media (in the sense of seemingly not processing or getting the same#things out of it as many other seem to). I think that can contribute sometimes to the whole difficulty socializing and stuff#since our culture is very centered around media consumption generally speaking. People want to talk about The New Movie that came#out or The Big TV Show Of The Year. and for me it's like.. highly likely I just plain have NOT seen it. Or if i have. statistically#I most likely was entirely ambivalent if not slightly negative towards it lol. Which just kind of takes the steam out of a 'fun' 'casual'#conversation and you seem like a bit of a bummer if most of your only feedback is either 'idk what that is' or 'oh yea... i did#see that one.... i didnt like it all that much though... I think it'd be better with elves in it.. and 7 hours longer..'' lol..#Which I am not disliking things in a 'grr i hate it bc its popular'/just to be contrarian way. I actually dislike that mindset/find it#silly (by striving so hard to be counterculture you are thus still defining yourself by the whims of external culture - just in the#opposite direction. but are still just as preoccupied with the mainstream (going against it) as everyone else. etc. lol..)) In my#case I think it IS just having niche hyperspecific tastes.. for example- it peeves me when cell phones are in media bc I dont want to be#reminded at ALL of the real world. so.. cross off anything set in modern times. so on & etc. Judging all things by these weird criteria lol
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happy sunday beloved friendz ! i woke up with the kitties all curled up with me & the sun peeking through the clouds ! remember to be gentle with yourselves and drink lots of water okay !! ଘ(๑˃̵ᴗ˂̵)و
affirmation of the day : i am surrounded by love in all of its forms ❤︎
#luffy’s nose is always so wet + cold and he loves boop it against my head#i’m going to wawa’s bc i’ve been hooked on their iced coffee#and it’ll give me strength to finish deep cleaning my room today yippeee !!#i feel bad leaving the kitties tho so can someone come give them love + cuddles while i go#i need to catch up on some fics today bc i see kai finished their aone fic !! and i have mimi’s latest lumimi fic to dive into#supa excited !! ( ྀི∩˃ ᵕ ˂∩)#alright time to run around !#₊˚⊹ ᰔ xoxo aims#ヾ( ˃ᴗ˂ )◞ — ✩ daily yap.
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girl helppp how to stop overworking myself. i promised myself i would finish this thing and take a rest but it didn't happen </3
#i found myself another project that will take me more than 2 months to finish#and by project i mean political work#my life rn is literally so funny#i work my silly entry level job until 3 pm and then after work i have meetings with mps (including one presidential candidate) lol#i was even allowed to take part in a parliamentary committee meeting recently <3#and i'm doing all that while writing my thesis and studying for my finals#i don't have time to sleep or cook or clean my room and i'm literally worried abt myself BUT#it will get better in 2 weeks after my finals are over and my board term ends#but someone needs to remind me that i will need this free time for writing my thesis and taking care of myself#and NOT finding new creative ways to keep myself busy asfdjgjdjs#i have so many books on my tbr list and so many dramas i want to watch and i haven't made any gifs in months.. i need my life back lol#k.txt
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I don't wanna leave the house, it's like 10 degrees outside
#I'm specifically covering a shift tho so I can't call out#and when I'm there today I have to remember to check the schedule for next week#honestly I kinda hope they don't give me too many more shifts for this week#I know I need the money but honestly I fucking hate working now#at least today is only four hours and I'll get home when it's still daylight#and since my husband finished the shelves in the closet I can start putting things away and cleaning up that room#which is good cuz we also need to finish cleaning my stuff out of my husbands car from Saturday#and there's a bunch of stuff in there I cannot wait to have again
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Well it only took my whole family leaving me home alone for 9hrs for me to get some of my own projects worked on 👍
#ghost posts#i mean obvs didn’t need that long#but I cleaned the whole house first#and then started working on reorganizing my room#got the old cart out and scrubbed it down#and then put it in my closet for my art supplies#so they are fortunately now looking less like a Walmart clearance bin#probably going to need a few more days of me time to finish it#but a lot of progress!#all of it is still contained in the closet so it’s not stressing me out#if I can get my sculpting supplies in there I will be ecstatic#i did have to be home alone though there was no way I could have gotten an hour to clean that cart uninterrupted
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yay !
#I like microcrochet it’s fun (my wrists and back fucking hate me)#I finished this one a few days ago and I’ve got the other rainbow done it just needs clouds#and earring hooks#I cant do anything fun today because we have company coming and my room isn’t clean yet and also phd applications are still in progress#so things suck today! but I did go to the gym so I feel alright about life#it’ll be fine I’ll figure it out#rambles#needlework#fiber arts
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I have officially started painting the walls in the living room.
well, I've mixed/adjusted the paint and painted some swatches and put up masking tape and all that stuff. I'll be painting tomorrow. I'm so excited (to get started, but mostly that I'll finally be all done with evvvverything*)
*until I think of the next thing I want to do, and the next one after that, and -
#I'm just so damn happy I actually managed to get everything else done today!! the living room was a mess before#well it's even worse right now but that's because all the furniture is in the middle of the room lol#but yeah I finished unpacking almost everything (there's still a few boxes with like old memory stuff etc. in the storage room but that#doesn't count because we don't use or need that stuff)#and I cleaned and I did the laundry and I put away (some) clean laundry and I blocked most of the bunting for the birthday garland I'm#making and I tidied everything and I fixed a bunch of things and#okay I think that's all#but hey that's kind of a lot?#idk but it definitely is for me#I think I sat down for maaaybe an hour or two the entire day?? that's. actually concerning and it explains the pain in my feet oh no#sometimes when I'm walking (not standing) I don't notice the pain until it's too late...#well shit I hope I'll be able to actually paint tomorrow lol. guess I'll have to sit down for some of it but I did that last time too and it#was alright#personal
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How's the wooden house coming along? Can imagine it's taking a while due to all the small detailed bits.
I just ran out of glue and therefore finally picked up my phone. I swear I get way too focused when I start these things, if I could forget to breathe I would.
But it's going smoothly for now! Which means that I haven't yet reached the point where all the micro mistakes will catch up to me and have me looking for a way to make it work anyway. I also discarded some posters that I noticed had Harry Potter written on them, we do not stan terf works in this household.
Here are a few pictures of the ground floor!
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It's still so very tiny if only I had some more glue-
#The rest of my life demands my attention though#I glue and crochet and glue and read and crochet#Like yes girl it's fine but maybe there are other things too#I need 48 hours a day for all my hobbies#Since work and capitalism steal five days out of seven from my week#NOW clean room and draw a bit come on you can do it#Oh no my fic I have to finish my fic#But if I had a bit of spare glue........
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Thinking abt Eterna and some of its Themes™️ (that I have not talked abt at all but drive me insane)
So Eterna is in a post-apocalypse right? The previous dominant sapient species (humans and anthro animals) have died off, leaving mostly wild (non-anthro) animals and plants yeah
That's a lot of death. A lot of dead bodies. A lot of decay
You know what thrives off of decay?
Mushrooms. Fungi. Mold
So basically the new dominant species in Eterna is mushroom ppl (as of now, considering maybe having other creatures later for variety, all sharing a similar theme of course). With the death of the previous species, a new one is born. In their death, they fed the new species and gave them what they needed to thrive and eventually stand on their own two feet (almost literally)
And idk I think I'm kinda cooking here
#ramblings#eterna#i NEED to draw more for eterna. i need to talk abt it more too#like i REALLY need to i haven't posted abt it at all since i did the character revamps#i need to post abt it more so more ppl can be insane abt it with me#anyways. something something in death there is life and in destruction there is creation#talking abt my original world. btw#for those who don't know#umm anyways i really gotta work on updating my eterna ocs' profiles on both toyhouse and art fight bc i haven't done that lol#i got started on that but i haven't finished most of them#but maybe i should worry abt cleaning my room and doing my laundry first#:/
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kinda wanna write but i haven't written in like a year i think i forgor how.
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11pm on nye & all i want to do is sleep....
#insane bc the past week ive been on winter break & ive been consistently going to bed at 12 or 1 am#like the ONE night this break i GOTTA stay up & im in my jammies at 10pm lol#im ty ty bc ive spent the past week doing intense manual labor (cleaning out my bedroom of 11 years)#i finally finished going through every drawer shelf & corner today & took out THIRTEEN WHOLE BAGS OF JUNK like wha??#that doesnt include the 7 other bags for donations 😳#I KNOW THATS SO MUCH SHIT IM A CHANGED WOMAN NOW OK???#but now that thats over...#im ty ty :( let me sleep :(#also#i still have to reorganize my room#bc i also put stuff i want to keep in bags (5 grocery bags not including clothes) & i need to find new places/ways to organize them#thats exciting but im soooo ty ty#ive been working non stop since Christmas eve#IT WAS FUN DONT GET ME WRONG but the exhaustion is finally hitting me :O#wah#i think im going to get ready for bed now so i can be asleep by 1230am the latest lol
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