#I need to be hospitalised now because people care about me and like me and trust me. By people I mean my friends. Who'd have thought.

[alexjcrowley]

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[natsunenuko]

TW // mental issues, mental absue, harassment, surgery/blood

I'm sorry this one is so long, but please carry on reading. It's a chance for me to not only speak about the situation but let out some steam too. It is unfortunate this announcement comes at the same time the flood occurs on the south of my home country (Poland) and I'm in the endangered zone, luckily so far safe, as I feel my head can't handle more stress.

It's been so long since I've been this personal online. I realized how I didn't feel the urge to vent for 3-4 years by now which is a sign of improving mental health. But my healing is still a process, and I'm afraid it's too hard to carry this rock alone at this point. I fought my thoughts if I should do this and I think just as deeply as I write right now. Yet, I know it's better late than never and I thank deeply my friends for helping me out recently as well as in the past in my lowest. I wholeheartedly owe my life to you.

I couldn't ask for better friends. As years verified, even long lasting relationships might be nothing but a mask and I had to learn the hard way. I ended a friendship of 13 years at the time over a misunderstanding. Other person I put my trust on was nothing but a groomer with morally corrupted sexual tendencies who would take advange of a group of minors while being the only adult among them, yet acting like a person much younger than all of them and pressuring all their mental issues on children instead of seeking help. The latter, I might speak of more in detail when I'm ready.

Long time ago I tried calling out for help but back then, the intrusive thoughts won; "Others have it worse, just work harder.", "No one will give you anything for free, no one will care.", "What people will think of you?". and I would only speak about these things in a closed circle of my friends.

I tried my best in silence by not giving up on my creative passion, working restlessly for years, improving. Hoping I could reach the point I can sustain myself purely on what I make.

But the problem is not being self-sufficient. And it's not about my art...

All of my life it has been me, my momma and my granny. The other two important figures weren't there for us, by choice. (which is hard to say if losing someone you loved is worse than not being cared for in the first place) My rather young self at the time didn't put much thought about it as I didn't understand it but something always felt wrong; my only issues at the time was being "that weird, quiet kid with little to no friends". But despite the hardships, my momma has always been my hero, working without a time for a break or rest so we could live happily, to afford something special from time to time.

However in 2014 my momma has been hospitalised and almost lost her life to wrongly treated ovarian cyst (cyst rapture), with enough blood loss to require emergency surgery...

From that point on things went downhill and the result of that we feel to this very day. To stay afloat we fell into a severe dept. (We didn't have any savings, could only rely on borrowing money or loans) And since I was a child as all of this happened, I've only learned about it all throughfully as I entered adulthood, so I wouldn't need to worry about anything and "just be a kid". Which I really understand, but it doesn't make it easier to handle.

And by now, for several years I keep on trying to earn money, so I could free my momma from this chain and let her live, not survive. I always wanted to get through this quietly, because I never, ever wanted to burden anyone with my home problems. But it grew to a point I might need to grab anything to climb towards the light

The goal is $10 000... which is scarily large number.

I list all the options but Kofi is preferred to keep track of the funds!

My commissions are HERE! (the sheet will receive a slight update in upcoming days) My Kofi is HERE! (Level 4 Tea is free headshot drawing every month!) HERE's other services I do (adopts, brushes, etc) I plan to do paid requests for my friday streams on occasion! Anything else I come up with I hope to include in here! Every person who donates will be part of "Thank you" list where I hope to shoutout everybody, cause every penny matters. I want this situation to end...

[bella-rose29]

Deck the Halls (and not your partner) - part 7

the mistletoe scene I have to give credit to the lovely @novelizt because of this post

this is basically just 3.5k words of fluff to make up for all the pain I put you through the last two parts

Word count: 3.5k

Warnings: swearing, making out (it's happening people, but also it's mildly in detail so for the one tiny paragraph feel free to skip if you're either not comfortable with it or not old enough), Will asks the important questions (both sensible and not), brief mentions of self-esteem issues? lockwood is a bit silly at the end, actually they both are

series master list

(why does he look like this :3 😭)

"What?" Y/n breathed. She wasn't entirely sure that she'd heard Lockwood correctly.

"I said that I think I've fallen for you."

He looked so sincere, his eyes more vulnerable than she had ever seen them before, and Y/n felt her heart constrict in her chest.

"You..."

"I know, I know." He rubbed his hand over his face, turning to lean back against the window. The mistletoe still hung at his side in his other hand.

"But you were horrible to me! From the very start!"

"I know. I was awful to you that first night and my only excuse is that I was exhausted and in desperate need of my bed, which I know isn't good enough. And then when you came in for your interview I just didn't want to be the one responsible if anything happened to you - wait, that came out wrong. You walked into the doorframe, Y/n. I was worried that you'd hurt yourself on a job, and I didn't want to get too attached to you in case that happened and you got injured or hospitalised or worse and I couldn't do anything to stop it. When I saw how easily the others took to you I knew that I was doomed," he let out a laugh, shaking his head. Y/n hoped he realised how ridiculous he sounded. "I know that doesn't excuse my actions, Y/n, but I meant what I said about that job we took in March. I really thought I wouldn't get there in time and I was terrified."

"Lockwood... you can't just... say that! I mean, you have said some genuinely horrible things to me and now you're saying that you - you what? That you-"

"I don't know!" he cried, filled with exasperation. "Alright? I don't know how else to describe it! I don't know if how I feel is love because I've never felt like this before, but I do know that I care about you far more than I should given I'm your boss, and I really don't know what would happen to me if you got seriously hurt, alright?" He was out of breath, cheeks flushed as he looked at her, and Y/n felt her own face heating up at his admission.

"Okay, okay," she said quietly, still processing everything he'd said. They stayed there for a few minutes, both leaning back against the windows as they tried to figure out what the hell they were going to do now. "I don't..." Y/n broke off with a sigh. She needed to phrase this right or they would be in even deeper shit than they were before. "I don't think I can just... forgive you, Lockwood. You have a lot - and I mean a lot - of grovelling to do to make up for how you've treated me these last few years." He nodded frantically, hope starting to shine in his eyes.

"Anything," he said. "Anything at all." She knew that he meant it.

"And I want to go on more cases if I'm staying at the company, because you can't just keep me behind because you think I'll walk into a doorframe."

"Done." He paused for a moment, looking like he wanted to say something else. "But you have-"

"Nope! No protests, thank you!" He stopped talking immediately, looking rather like a lost puppy as he gazed at her. "No more hating each other, either, although I feel like that's a given. And the first date had better be fucking incredible, alright?"

"... First... date?"

"Yeah, keep up, Schmoopie." She couldn't deny how her heart lifted at the sight of Lockwood looking so happy, and when he grinned her responding smile was involuntary.

"Wait... so do you... you know. How do you feel, about..." he waved his hands vaguely in the air, then accidentally hit himself in the face with the mistletoe. "Shit, I think that went in my eye. I forgot I was holding that," he grumbled, and Y/n didn't bother biting back her snort. He sent her a glare, but there was only amusement behind it.

"I don't really know, Lockwood."

"Anthony."

"What?"

"If we're going to start dating I'd much rather you called me Anthony." He blushed and went quiet as he looked out the window. "I like it better when you call me Anthony anyway. Sorry, I uh, I interrupted you."

"Oh, no, that's... that's alright. Uh... yeah. Like you said, I don't know how to describe it. I know that it really hurt me when you said that you wouldn't ever feel the same way, and I guess I just didn't want to admit to myself that I care about you a lot too because you were such a huge arsehole to me-"

"Yes, got it, sorry again."

"-but I do care about you, Anthony. A lot. And honestly that does annoy me because I'm pretty sure I've liked you since we met because I did think you were really gorgeous, except then you were really rude and-"

"Wait wait wait wait wait," he exclaimed, waving his hands in front of him. "You think that I'm gorgeous?"

Now it was Y/n's turn to feel her face heat up, and she swatted at his hands. "I did, yeah. Then you opened your mouth."

"Oh."

"Yeah." She waited a moment, then spoke again. "If you must know, I still think you're gorgeous," she muttered, and Anthony lit up, a smug smile landing on his face. Surprisingly she'd missed them, and while she still felt the burning flames in her body at the sight of that stupid smirk, it was no longer hatred.

He stepped forward a little (only a little, since they were back to being incredibly close to each other) and held the mistletoe in both of his hands. "Your grandma Jean gave it to me," he said. "She told me we might need it because it used to be a symbol of peace, and if people met under it they had to stop fighting." They both had been looking down at the plant, but when Anthony lifted his head so did she, and her breath caught in her throat at the look in his eyes.

"So you want to kiss me again?"

"I mean, I wouldn't be entirely opposed to that, if you're offering."

"Really? Really, Anthony?" Her tone was joking, but she felt him move back almost imperceptibly when she didn't immediately agree to it, and her heart skipped a beat when she realised he was waiting for her permission.

"Well I can't kiss you if we aren't under it, can I? So I don't know what you're so worried about, darling."

"Better try and catch me then if you want a kiss," she teased, and leapt away a second later.

"We're running now? When we've just had a huge meal?" He stepped forward anyway, and Y/n laughed with pure joy when he started chasing her around the room, attempting to catch her but just missing every time. Finally she tripped, catching her foot on the corner of the bed, and Anthony swept her into his arms to stop her from hitting the floor. Instead they hit the mattress, Y/n landing on her back and Anthony on top of her, his arms bracing his body while he still clutched the mistletoe in his left hand. They were both breathing heavily from the last five minutes of running and laughing, and now their faces were so close together that they were essentially kissing already.

Anthony held up the mistletoe over their heads the best he could while simultaneously not collapsing on Y/n, and he raised his eyebrows at her. "May I kiss you, darling?" She couldn't speak, so she nodded instead, and within a second his mouth was on hers, somehow better than it had been the first time. It was tentative and small, and he pulled back to flick his gaze between her eyes and her lips. It had left her breathless despite how short it had been, and before she could think they were crashing into each other with the same passion as they had the night before, her hands lifting to grab his hoodie and his hair in desperation. At some point Anthony dropped the mistletoe to move his hand to her waist and bring her closer to him.

There was nothing but him, nothing but the weight of his body on top of hers and his hands touching her and his tongue in her mouth, and then he was pulling back for air and she was chasing after his lips, and he was smiling down at her like she was the only thing that mattered.

For whatever reason, they started laughing, Anthony dropping his head to nestle in the crook of her neck while Y/n wrapped her arms around his torso to bring him impossibly closer.

"So... does this mean I can call you my girlfriend?" he asked, hope making him light up like the Christmas tree they had in the living room.

"Yes, Anthony, you can call me your girlfriend," she laughed, and it turned into a snort when he got up and did a celebratory dance. "You're ridiculous, you know that?"

"Oh, believe me darling, I am fully aware."

~~~

"Hey, Squeak. You alright?"

Y/n had been sitting in the library, staring out the window at the snow that had started falling while she tried to concentrate on the book in her hands. Anthony had been called into the living room by her parents, and they'd parted with a not-so-small kiss just out of view of her family. Will had apparently managed to find her, and was settling into the opposite side of the window seat that she was occupying. "Yeah, why wouldn't I be?"

"I dunno. You seemed a bit... off. At dinner. Is everything alright with you and Lover Boy?"

"Oh," her face burned at the memory of what had happened barely twenty minutes ago. "Yeah, we're all good." She awkwardly sent him a thumbs up, her smile more of a grimace than anything else, and Will looked unconvinced.

"What's really going on, Y/n/n? Because if I need to beat him up-"

"NO! No, don't... don't beat up my boyfriend, please." It felt weird calling Anthony her boyfriend now, despite it being more real than it ever had been before. "Really, we're fine."

"Fine? You're fine? What did you two talk about upstairs? Because I'm pretty sure I heard shouting."

"We were just..." At the look on her brother's face she trailed off, and glanced at the door to make sure it was closed. "What exactly did Mum say when she got off the phone with me a few days ago?"

"What do you mean?"

"When she told people that I had a boyfriend, what did she say? How did you find out?"

"Mum went into the kitchen to take your call because we were all in here playing board games, and then we heard her shout 'You have a boyfriend?!' and Linda went to investigate, and then you turned up with Lover Boy."

"And are you sure that Mum wasn't just... making it up for some reason?"

"Why would she make it up?"

"Because I didn't have a boyfriend, Will."

"But... if you don't have a boyfriend then why the hell are you making out with your boss?"

"We are not making out!"

"Sure. But when you kissed yesterday under that mistletoe," he pointed to where it hung over the library door, "I definitely saw tongue."

"WILL!" She picked up the nearest pillow and chucked it at his head, then hid her face behind her book. "Oh my god, this is not happening."

"Ok, but that still doesn't answer my question," he said after half-heartedly throwing the pillow back at her. "If you didn't have a boyfriend, then why is your boss here saying that you're dating?"

"Because I made him. We actually can't stand each other. Or, we couldn't. We made up. Ugh, this is complicated. We have hated each other for about three years and then when Mum said very loudly that I was bringing my boyfriend to Christmas in front of Linda I didn't have much of a choice but to bring someone or face utter humiliation. Apparently nobody wanted to go to the middle of the countryside for three days with a complete stranger and pretend to be her boyfriend so I had to ask Anthony because George was already busy, and honestly I think we did a pretty good job of hiding the fact that we hated each other."

"And the shouting was you making up? Or were you angrily making out?"

"Will! Fuck's sake! Making up. I did tell him he's got a lot of grovelling to do, but now we're actually together."

"So you did make out."

"What's with the weird obsession about whether or not I'm making out with him?"

"I just like making you uncomfortable. That's my job."

"Well quit your job and get a different one." They sat in silence for a while, just staring out the window at the dark landscape. Although she knew that Will couldn't see them, she still pointed out the few ghostly figures that she saw. Her Sight wasn't nearly as good as Anthony's when she wasn't using her Touch, but she could still make out the glowing shapes in the fields.

"While we're on the topic of jobs... I'm guessing you're not leaving the company anymore," he said after a while.

"What?" she asked, startled by his words. "What do you mean?"

"I heard you at dinner, Squeak. You said you were gonna leave the company. I didn't hear anything else 'cause Nanna Jean was talking to me about her garden again for like, the eighth time today, but when I heard you say that... I dunno. You love your job, and I didn't think there was anything that would make you leave it."

"I wouldn't have stopped being an agent, I would have just moved company. He said a lot of mean things, and in fairness I said some horrible shit too, but he's not got that much power over me."

"Squeak... are you sure you wanna be dating him? If he hurt you so bad that you wanted to leave the company then I don't know if it's the best idea," Will frowned, concern in every inch of his body.

"I know. If he fucks this up then I am leaving. Properly. Because I know that it's not... ugh, I don't know. I was just tired of not being treated in the same way that he treated the others, and he's explained why he was like that, and he was weirdly similar to a puppy when he apologised - not that that convinced me to date him, by the way - and I really hurt him too, over the years."

"Just... out of interest... what exactly did you say to each other that made you start hating each other this much?"

"I was walking back from a solo case, walked into him, apologised, stepped on his shoes, and he told me that he'd just bought them in the most stuck-up voice I had ever heard and it pissed me off." Will stared at her.

"That's... it?"

"To be fair I then went for an interview at his company, didn't realise it was him, and the moment I walked in he went 'we don't want agents like you' or something, so... you know!"

"Okay... that's still not a lot though. You really started what, three years of hatred based on... on that?"

"Well, when you put it that way it sounds stupid, but-"

"No, no 'buts', missy," Will said, waggon his finger at her. "It is just plain stupid. Did you actually hurt each other or were you too busy being idiots?"

"In fairness I really struggle with keeping up to other peoples' standards, alright?! And it did hurt that nothing I did ever seemed to be enough to make him like me!"

"With the way he was talking about you, he definitely likes you. And thinks you're good enough. You have nothing to worry about there, that's for sure." Y/n flushed at Will's words, thinking back to what she'd overheard Anthony say in this same room the day before.

"So explain to me your feelings on this? Because I feel like you went through every emotion known to man just now."

"I initially thought you two were great together because you're a lot more confident in yourself when he's around, then you told me you weren't together and I was incredibly confused, then you told me that you hated each other and I was even more confused, then you told me that you are actually together now and I was happy, and then you told me that he was horrible to you and I wanted to beat him up, and then you told me that you stepped on his shoes and that's why you hate each other and I was confused again. Make sense?"

"Just about. It wasn't just me stepping on his shoes that-"

"Nope!" Will turned his head away, lifting his hand out in front of him to stop her. "I don't want to hear anymore of this silliness, thank you very much!"

"But it-"

"Nope!" Will pushed forward, grabbing the pillow that he had earlier thrown back to Y/n and whacked her around the head with it. "Nope, nope, nope!" Each 'nope' was punctuated with another hit, and Y/n barely had time to pick up the other pillow and fight back before he was swinging again.

~~~

"Hey," Y/n whispered to Anthony as she came over. He had been sat in the loveseat again (he was almost completely certain that Y/n's family were leaving it specifically for the two of them to use, since her five siblings were squished up on one of the sofas most of the time), and he put down his mug of tea to help her sit comfortably.

"Hi," he whispered back, immediately wrapping an arm around her waist and pulling her back to curl into him. She brought her legs up to hook over his and was turned sideways in the seat, her head nestling into his shoulder. He picked up his tea again and was about to take a sip when Will burst into the living room, board game in hand and a slightly crazed look in his eyes.

"We're playing Yahtzee! Everybody take a sheet, you don't have a choice in this!"

"Is this the one you're terrible at?" Anthony asked, speaking quietly into Y/n's ear, and he chuckled when she slapped his arm.

"You can't be terrible at Yahtzee, Anthony, it's a fucking dice game. It's based on luck, idiot."

"Oh, right, silly me. I meant charades. That one you are truly awful at."

"Just because you get really into it and put on ridiculously large hats doesn't mean I'm awful at it," she responded indignantly. "Also, by the way, the use of props is against the rules of charades, so technically you've lost every single one you've done."

"I have not!" he jokingly started, putting on an accent and pretending to be mad. "I am the best at charades! How dare you accuse me of- mmph!" Y/n shut him up by pressing a kiss to his lips, and while he sat there for a moment with his eyes wide open and his posture incredibly tense, he quickly relaxed into it. He still wasn't used to kissing her, and he didn't think that he ever would be, and when she pulled away a few seconds later he was left to chase after her mouth while she giggled.

"Sure, whatever makes you happy, Ant." That was another thing he'd never get used to. The way she said his name. He didn't think he'd heard anything sweeter, and then she was laughing at something one of her family members had said and he realised that he would spend his whole life documenting which of all the things she did was the most heavenly.

"You're what makes me happy, darling," he mumbled, not expecting her to hear. She looked round at him, surprise on her face. He thought she might say something nice in response, but instead when she opened her mouth something else came out.

"You are so cheesy, Anthony Lockwood."

"I'm just getting started, darling. Like you said, I have a lot of grovelling to do. I hope you're ready for how cheesy I can be." Y/n wrinkled her nose in disgust, but the wide grin on her face gave her away.

"That sounded weird," she said, and he leaned forward to press a gentle kiss to her nose. He shrugged in response.

"You're just going to have to get used to it, I'm afraid."

"Good. Hopefully you'll finish all the grovelling needed by the time you're about thirty, then."

"I'm grovelling every second of every day if it means I get to keep you near me, darling," he replied, and he revelled in the flush that crept up her neck. He accepted his score sheet from Will (who was getting very serious about the game, making sure that nobody would be cheating by using loaded dice), and took a sip of tea.

Then he nearly spat it out when he fully registered what Y/n had said.

"Thirty?!"

part 8

Tag list (once more hoping that this is everyone): @ahead-fullofdreams, @aislinrayne, @anathemaloren, @anthgoldenhrry, @augustisintheair, @avdiobliss, @aysha4life, @bobbys-not-that-small, @briar-rose23, @curseofhecate, @dangelnleif, @edible-rat-vomit, @el-de-phi, @ell0ra-br3kk3r, @ettadear, @fearlessmoony, @fudosl, @idkbubs, @imaginebeingmentallystable, @informedimagining, @karensirkobabes, @lady-ashfade, @light-23, @locklyebrainrot, @locklyle1kanij, @locknco, @magicandrosewaters, @mentallyillsodapop, @mischivana, @mitskiswift99, @mrsklockwood, @mrsyixingunicorn10, @newbooksmell777, @no-morning-glories, @novelizt, @phlooper, @ran23sblog, @reggiepeterss, @simrah1012, @somethingrandomwatzit, @star-of-velaris, @superpositvecloudshipper, @t2sh0, @taygrls, @tournesol77, @whistle1whistle, @whenselenefallsinlove, @wordsarelife, @y0urm0m12

let me know if you want to be added to/removed from the tag list! <3

[verdemoun]

BRO NOW I REALLY WANT TO KNOW WHAT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED IF ISAAC HAD JUST SCREAMED OH MY GOD HE KILLED ME

why do y'all like suffering love you for it enjoy

second kieran sees isaac, his eyes widen and his mouth open to let out a scream of absolute terror, kieran is out the door. sprinting with just was he has on him because he knows it's over. same second he realises the boy he murdered in 1896 is arthur morgan's son, he's dead

bessie goes after him, meanwhile arthur is try to settle isaac down enough to explain what's wrong and isaac blubbers out it was him, arthur's eyes go cold and hard. everyone knows things have changed

because anyone who knows arthur morgan knows knows why he says revenge is a fool's game with a pained look, or through gritted teeth. because there has always been an exception, and finally that exception has a face. absolutely nothing is going to stop arthur from killing kieran duffy

hosea knows he has to tell bessie. warn her she can't bring kieran home or else they'll be digging another grave, and visiting another van der linde in jail. and bessie has to pause because for god's sake it's just not fair. arthur is her son, and she died before isaac was born but she knows there is nothing in the world arthur loves more than that boy, and she has heard from hosea how much the grief of that loss almost killed arthur - but kieran is her boy. and out there, alone, well he's as good as dead

it's just... not fair. life had never given kieran duffy a chance. even with how much suffering he's gone through and struggling with modern era, it was the first time kieran actually had people in his corner who cared about him and now thanks to one awful goddamned night in 1896 that has haunted him ever since, he's lost everything again. and no one can fix that

when she finally locates him, kieran is broken. bawling. the kind of crying where your throat's already so tight and dry you can't even wail. she only caught up with him because he is so upset he had to stop running to throw up. all she can do is hold him because the usual platitudes of it's going to be okay are complete lies.

she ends up taking him to a motel. after hours of crying, kieran shuts down. borderline catatonic. he's lost everything. arthur is being kept at bay because he still has to look after isaac, but kieran knows the target is on his back and arthur will kill him. it's guaranteed. bessie can control her husband but nothing will stop arthur morgan

at home, really uncomfortable lines are being drawn. hosea is, albeit hesitantly, agreeing with arthur that kieran is out. out of the gang, out of whatever found family they have. he is dead to arthur and the only thing stopping him from killing him is the fact he would go to prison and miss more of isaac's life

sean and lenny are a lot more conflicted. sean can't see it. cannot imagine meek as a little lamb kieran duffy being the one behind the trigger that killed isaac and eliza, but is inclined to agree if it's true, kieran's on his own

lenny can't. lenny can't let go of it. kieran is his friend. kieran still needs help, he's still scared and traumatised by everything he's been through and lenny is the only one at that point who can talk to kieran everyday because he's the most competent at asl. he got to bond with kieran over learning it together. lenny asks sean, out of earshot of arthur, what he would've done. because kieran was only 23-24 at the time. what are you meant to do in that situation? sean can't answer.

the sheer guilt, the isolation of losing his relationship with the gang despite bessie's best efforts to check on him at least once a day, and fear of knowing arthur would kill him (hell eliza would kill him) ends up leading kieran to attempt to take a long walk off a short pier. he ends up hospitalised and later institutionalised when it becomes clear he cannot cope on his own, without constant supervision

most of them visit kieran because they do care about him and it's just so brutally unfair that fate has cursed him to his coincidence. the one time in his life he does something so unforgivable happens to be the night he killed eliza and isaac.

arthur makes it clear he doesn't like that they all keep up with kieran, and won't tolerate conversation about him in the house. most of the gang are vague about going 'around the coast' instead of saying they're visiting kieran.

this would be an everything sucks au. arthur doesn't reach the level of peace because he will always hold onto the rage of knowing who killed isaac. isaac ends up being a much more nervous but also angry kid because that's how he's seen arthur react to things. hosea probably dies before bessie because he spends a lot more time in the house just bored and lonely after everyone moves out instead of having kieran to fuss over. none of the later gang visit kieran and still refer to him as o'driscoll despite it obviously making bessie and lenny as kieran's closest allies squirm.

[alaskan-wallflower]

I totally agree with your post on censorship of Israel and Palestine. Obviously what is happening between them right now and tragic and disgusting. Lately people have been grouping all Jewish people into being zionists which is so harmful, I’m Jewish and my father was beaten in the city to the point where he was hospitalised just because he was wearing the Star of David. I was with him when it happened, he didn’t do anything aside from being Jewish, my family isn’t even from Israel, we are in full support of Palestine but people want to label us Zionist for a culture we were born into. Jewish and Israeli people can’t control their heritage and calling all of them zionists for it is insane, real zionists are terrifying and to throw the term Zionist around waters down the impact of them. They want to erase history of Jewish people and make us collectively look bad, comparing current tragedies to the holocaust, no violence should ever be compared like it’s a competition. Of course there are Jewish people who are bad and hold radical beliefs but that also goes for every other culture, ethnicity, and religion. I do not condone Israel’s actions in any way but I strongly disagree with showing prejudice towards Jewish and Israeli people who have nothing to do with the war and do not support it.

Tw Antisemitism, politics mentions of the Israel/Palestine conflict, read at your own risk. Come after me all you want. I don’t care. But I need to talk about this because it’s important.

First off, I’m so sorry that that happened to your family. Nobody deserves that at all. I send my deepest condolences and I hope that your father (and the rest of your family) is okay. It is absolutely disgusting that that happened. I’m assuming by ‘the city’ you mean NYC, and I know that antisemitic hate crimes have risen 200%, and it’s just vile, especially because Jews in places nowhere even near Israel are hiding blamed. It’s not their fault.Its not even the Israelites’ faults. It’s the Israeli government’s fault.

Secondly, I agree whole heartedly. There are good Jewish people in Israel. Good, innocent Jewish people who haven’t done anything wrong and absolutely do not deserve to be censored. Although I do not condone what is going on there right now, I absolutely do not condone October 7th either. You could argue that none of this would have happened if October 7th never happened. If you’re gonna talk politics, you have to look at both sides, not just the one you support. That goes for any politics, be it this, your position on the left/right spectrum, whatever. You have to look at both sides.

Words can’t even describe just how awful it is that Jewish people in places that have nothing to do with Israel are being blamed and harassed mot just on the internet, but in r3al life too. Watching it just makes me feel sick. Again, while I do not and will not ignore the fact that what the Israeli government has decided to do is absolutely disgusting and tragic, I also cannot and will not ignore the fact that innocent people are being labeled such harmful terms and their voices aren’t being heard. That’s like saying every American ever is anti immigrant or that every American in the world supports what’s going on in the government there, albeit on a much less extreme scale.

But yes. I absolutely don’t think that Israel should be censored while Palestine isn’t. If you want to censor one you gotta censor the other. What happened with me was that the person said they n didn’t want pro Israel people finding my post’. The thing is I don’t care who sees my posts. People aren’t always going to agree with me and my opinions and that’s fine. People aren’t always going to enjoy what I say. But I can take it. I don’t need a group of people to be censored for the sole sake of ‘protecting me from “the bad guys”’ (putting that in HEAVY quotes).

Again. I’m so sorry that that’s happening to you and other people on the internet. I’ve seen it happen. One blog I like in particular had been labeled a Zionist when they aren’t. And I feel awful for them because it isn’t fair. They’ve never even indicated that they are. In fact they’ve heavily denied it and I feel awful that so many people get this sort of traction on the internet. Everyone deserves to feel safe online, including Jewish people.

I don’t expect anyone to really listen to me though. I myself am not Jewish so take what I say with that in mind. I’m also a technical minor and nobody listens to minors so you know. People are probably not gonna care about what I say. But I’ll still say it because I wanna raise awareness

(Sorry for the rant)

[catkin-morgs-kookaburralover]

disclaimer before we start, this is not a suicide note. promise. if you're concerned about it, either scroll on by or read the whole thing before you jump to conclusions.

I wish I could know what I mean to you.

You say you've lost friends before; you say you couldn't bear to lose me too. And yet. (There's always an and yet.) I can't believe you. I can't believe that you care about me, that you wouldn't forget - that I won't simply slip through the cracks when I'm gone.

I'd be devastated if you died, especially like I'm planning to. I know I would. But I simply can't believe you'd feel the same way if I died.

Call me a coward if you like - I do, often enough. I know it's cowardice, to look for the easy out instead of the hard continuation. And yes, I do call killing myself the easy out.

Be comforted, at least, that I'm determined - no matter how often it occurs to me - not to do something actually cruel like go play in traffic or jump in front of a train. I don't need to traumatise people like that: there are other ways that will less affect people.

I wish you'd forget about me altogether. I really, really do, sometimes. I love you - I do, I love you dearly - but I wish you'd forget I exist and just let me go.

This has always been my destiny. I promise. I always expected to die by suicide, unless the Lord Christ returned before I did. I never expected to get this far, anyway - and I absolutely promise you this, you are one of the very specific reasons I've got this far. If I was to pick merely a handful of instances, five, well - I don't know precisely which the other four would be, but you and your actions would definitely be one of them.

Forgive me. That's all I ask. And seek help when you need it. Don't be ashamed to do so: it's not a moral failing. Or so I like to think. But how would I know? God knows I wouldn't be writing this if I was absolutely mentally stable and certain everything I did was right.

I don't claim this is right. But it's the only option - I can't go on like this. They don't think I'm mentally ill enough to be hospitalised, which is fair enough. Maybe I'm making it all up, and when it comes to it I'll find myself unable to. But how hard can this method be, really? Of course there's the risk that I mess up, survive and screw up my entire life. That's always a risk. It's possible I should do more research into this method just in case, though it's rare enough it's difficult to find much information about people intentionally taking it as a method of self harm and/or suicide. Or maybe I just say screw it and go through with it, see if it kills me. Hope it does. Or maybe that fun thing called 'complex suicide' where people use multiple methods in combination to kill themselves. Frankly I think that's most likely.

I'm not planning to do it right now, or even tonight, mainly because I'm too likely to be interrupted, so it would only be useful as a cry for help.

Also see: I do not want help, because I want to kill myself. Sorry to be blunt about it, but it's true. Getting help just sounds like too much hard work.

I don't know. I'm tired. I hope you take care of yourself more than I take care of anyone, including myself.

bolding this to make sure people notice it. since it has happened before. if you call the police for a wellness check on me I promise you I will tell them I'm fine and the only thing you will have gained is breaking my trust. I give you permission to call them if you have some reason to suspect I am actively in the process of suiciding. I am telling you right now I am not. that's a promise. but you know what genuinely could tip me over the edge? having my trust broken again about that. I. am. not. kidding.

[struggling-to-find-home]

Here's a little secret about me: despite recieving a medical education, I hate being a patient. There are a lot of reasons: medical trauma, the general assholery of the medical system, the fact that noone explains you shit, the fact that doctors mean time, and effort, and sometimes money, and every single time I feel like I shouldn't be taking their attention from patients that are more "worth it".

When I was seventeen, it took me throwing up 14 times, nearly blacking out and falling into an almost-crisis state before I agreed to be hospitalised. And, as I was lying in bed, a litre of saline solution being deposited into me asap because the dehydration was that bad and two ambulance personnel holding me down, I still tried to get up to pack my things to get to the hospital.

I spent five days there.

I don't remember much of the first two ones, constantly blacking in and out of consciousness.

This year, I had to face something even more uncomfortable than being the asap hospitalisation person - and it was... Planned medical care. A planned surgery, to be exact.

I wasn't nervous about the procedure itself - when you spent like, a year constantly talking about pre-op and post-op and assist in surgery during practicals and see people cut open and cut open some stuff by yourself, the idea of someone rummaging around inside of you with tiny knives looses the typical "oomph" it has. I mean, I was being put in a special facility that's specifically for situations like mine, with a team of surgeons who spent years honing their craft. I knew what was going to happen. There would be anaesthesia, for god's sake.

But everything around the whole thing was just... Ugh. Doctors, nurses, tests, more tests, even more tests, the lack of communication leading to a nervous breakdown happening due to me not knowing when to come in... And, to top it all off, the damn tumour, like it knew it's days were numbered, was causing more and more pain by the day. Life lost it's colours. I spent day after day stopping, freezing up when another pain wave hit, coming home exhausted after having to mask it, slowly slipping away from socialising.

I have to leave, I've got an appointment.

Sorry I skipped your class, I had to get some tests done.

I'd love to go with you, but I need to clean my apartment; I doubt it's gonna be on my mind when I get back with a cast.

The only thing that kept me going was a deep, grim understanding: this is miserable, but continuing to live with that... thing growing inside me is worse.

... It's all over now, of course: nearly a week of school missed, a hazy experience, - god, they really overdid it with the drugs, - stitches, and a cast on my hand.

And it doesn't hurt anymore.

...No, I mean, it does, but compared to before? Piece of cake.

Nearly a year of constant worry and pain, gone.

Soon, all I'll have to show for it is a neat little scar on my hand that'll show that one day in the past, little old me was scared enough - and brave enough - to take the first step.

And as time slowly marches on, the colours that bled from my life, taken over by increasing pain, slowly turn bright again.

I'm just.

I feel like the joy came back into my life.

Like things have purpose again.

Like I can live.

I can live.

I don't have to feel pain anymore.

[slashingdisneypasta]

Jim Bickerman + Wayne Jackson *Separately* x Reader || Drabble Set

Plot: Part One.

The hospital wont let you in to see him!! You're not related, so they wont even give you any important information. You're about to blow a blood vessel just to get behind those mysterious double doors and find him yourself. As a last resort, you call the dumbass brother back up and demand he come and get you in.

*Bickerman Twins AU.

Warnings: Frustrated!Tense!Reader. Angst. Hospital angst. Unedited, I sleepy.

Whaaat?? Writing semi-serious romantic fiction for two Robert Englund characters that like 4-5 people on Tumblr are interested in?? *avoiding eyecontact by staring at a rock* not meeee...

Calling Jim to come see (Your ex) Wayne:

You're already annoyed having to be here in the first place, getting dragged off your couch after work because ex as done something dubious (Probably) and gotten himself hospitalised and made you worried sick. You're even more frustrated when no one here will answer any of your questions.

He's stable, they say. Yes, you respond in an irritated tone. But what does that m e a n?? Is going to get better or is he c o m f o r t a b l e? As in, dying but without the pain.

Every time someone says We cant hand out any further information without a relative, you want to crush something.

You try to tell yourself they're just doing their jobs, because they are and you respect that, but its Wayne.

And he's not allowed to die, yet. Not without your permission. No way. He wouldn't dare. Bastard.

Finally you leave the waiting room and stand outside in the cold night time air to dial your recent call. Jim picks up after 2 rings, but he doesn't sound all there, this time. Great.

"Hey, Jim."

"Oh Y/N! Nice to hear your voice, sweetcheeks. How are you, hm??"

"Well, not great." You respond bluntly, glancing at the glowing red and white sign above the emergency room entrance. "... Look, I'm not calling to chat. They're not telling me anything because I'm not family, so you're going to have to get over your family drama and get over here, now. Okay??"

"... get to where?"

You have no patience for Jim's drunk bullshit right now. "The hospital where your brother is laying somewhere possibly dying. That place. Ring a bell??"

"... vaguely." He sounds like he definitely remembers, but would prefer not to. Not because he's worried about Wayne, but because its an added irritation sprinkled on top of what is already what you assume to be a failure of a day. Like a gross fly hanging around your head on a sweltering hot day.

"Wonderful. So??"

"So what."

"jIM!"

The screech in your voice hurts his ears, thats evident by the groan he gives, but it wakes him up at least. "Okay, okay- I get it, I heard you, yeah. Uh-... Y'want me to come talk to the doctors about Wayne... Um... I would... but...- "

"Oh no!" You snap. "No buts!"

"... but- "

"No!" You insist, shaking your head. "He is possibly dying, Jim- or dead, since I last asked. And maybe you don't want anything to do with him anymore, which I understand since he's a pain in the ass, but I- " Something in you clenches and you take a deep breath to steady yourself. To stop yourself from crying. You're keeping it together, god-fucking-damnit. "But I don't care. Scrape your pathetic drunk ass off whatever sticky bar stool you're currently wasting away on and come visit your brother, or visit a nice lady in deaths reception- because if you don't come here I will send you there myself. I don't care, but either way, make your decision-- NOW!"

Then you hang up, and take another deep breath; crisp air filling up your lungs and making you feel dizzy. "... I need fries." You finally sigh out when the anger thins out leaving behind just the exhaustion, turning heavily on your aching feet back towards the door. Drenched in tomato sauce.

Mmm...

After you methodically emptied 5 packets of ketchup onto your stale, lukewarm hospital cafeteria fries and eaten one- you can feel your entire body coming back to life. If only to tell you how achy you are from work and then getting here and stressing so bad the whole way. Calm down, its yelling at you. And with the salty chippies in front of you and the taste of tomato sauce on your tongue, you almost do.

... But then you remember how badly you want to see Wayne okay, and how it surprised you how hard this hit you even after all this time. You made him leave back then; you got away just in time, before you became a casualty in his terrible life. You did the smart thing. You're the smart one! You've always been the smart one; you practically had no choice.

But apparently not all of you is smart.

Letting out a slow breath through your nose, you lean your forehead into you the heels of your hands, elbows on the table.

When your phone buzzes you manage to wrangle it out of your pocket and chuck it on the table, weakly opening it up and sighing as you read your notification.

Give me a few hours.

You can pay me in bourbon.

Slowly you type out a thank you.

Calling Wayne to come see (Your ex) Jim:

After you hang up on Reba (You annoyed the nurse enough that she called the woman who dropped Jim off so she could speak to you- and that was Reba. But she told you that he got half eaten up by a giant fucking crocodile and now you don't feel any better), you get out your own phone and unblock Wayne's number- then press call before you can back out of it, and wait impatiently for him to answer.

It takes him 6 awful rings, but just when you're ready to curse him out of pure frustration (And tiredness- it took a lot longer to get here then you first thought. Its 4am, now.) he picks up. 'Hello'-ing you like he doesn't know who this is. Whether he does or not you roll your eyes and mimic him with all the restrained annoyance of a sneering 5-year-old. "hElLo. Wayne! Its me again."

"Oh, well hey. Uh, you seen him yet?"

"No!!" You cry, frustrated and forgetting for a second that he doesn't actually care. "They wont let me, I'm not family." When he merrily hums into the receiver, like he's not really paying attention (like instead of sympathising with you over his brother being in hospital, he's flicking through a newspaper or taking a sip of lukewarm coffee) you breath in a sharp, clipped breath. Right. You're alone. "Anyway- come here."

He perks up immediately on his end of the line. "Heheh, oh?? Well, this is sudden, but uh... sure. Something I said resonated with you, huh?"

"I need you to come and get information about Jim. Get me into the room. You're his brother."

"... oh."

"Please."

"Ehhhh... you know; I'm kinda busy... "

Ughhh- "You are not!" You snap, sounding petulant. You don't care, you're tired... and you're worried... and you suddenly cant remember why you left Jim because you need him to be okay so bad that your chest hurts. You've been trying not to stop this whole time, bothering nurses with phone calls and eventually your face for hours, because if you don't you might cry. After a moment, and he doesn't respond, you take a deep breath and force yourself to sound calm. You know you sound psychotic but at this point you don't really care. You turn away from other people in the busy waiting room. "Wayne- Believe me, if you do not get your crusty ass into a car, or a plane, or a train, or a really fast bus and help me, then I am going to track you down, and get you. Trust me, I have the annual leave lined up. I will find you, and not even Lyle will be able to save you."

"See, now, I'm kinda intrigued~ Maybe I want you to come get me, huh sweetheart?"

"I will squeeze you so hard the little hole your blanks come out of closes up for good, Wayne."

"Jesus- "

"Hop to it! Now!" You snap, then hang up and go get a shot of chocolate from a vending machine. Clearly, you need it.

When you finally sit down 10 minutes later in the cafeteria, a coffee and a crumbly brownie in front of you, you give a sigh and stretch your legs out under the wobbly table. You know somewhere in this hospital Jim and he might be dying, and thats a nightmare coming to life that you're not mature enough- not equipped enough- to deal with.

When your phone vibrates in your pocket your pull it out and read the text with heavy, tired eyes.

On my way. Lyle's real mad. Get ready to give me a big kiss hello, sugar.

Slowly you let out a deep, relieved breath.

[rin-and-jade]

hey I'm from the same system as 🌺, and I wanna add some stuff because unlike her I'm not blind to the abuse.

we are homeschooled so when the verbal abuse happened there wasn't anywhere else to escape to, I remember I used to literally hide behind things when I was younger.

I didn't learn to read until I was 10, and I'm dyslexic and autistic and dyspraxic and dyscalculic. so I absolutely suffered in academics for basically my whole life, my mother used to sit down with me and watch me stare at the work in front of my face and then yell at me because I didn't do it. or I messed up, or any slew of things fuck.

I was undiagnosed for autism for literally most of my life, I only got diagnosed when I was 13-14. so for a long long part of my childhood I was berated, yelled at, given the silent treatment, not comforted when I needed it and other stuff.

this is definitely because of her upbringing, and generational trauma. she's better now, but the damage has been done. and if I ever tried to bring this shit up now she'd just call me a liar, she loves to call me a liar.

after I learned how to read, I basically had to learn how to spell and write myself. I preferred it that way, because every time she try's to teach me stuff it always ended with me crying and her yelling.

oh I didn't even mention all the "talks" she has given me, basically telling me to "shape up, you're not doing anything with your life." when I have no freedoms? the digiverse is my only freedom, has been since I was a kid. I try to talk to her about my interests and she waves me away, though its gotten better. I still am not sure about her claims.

I literally can't go out by myself, I'm 17. I'm literally going to be 18 in a couple months and I've to this day never been on a trip somewhere on my own, I know I'm a bit oblivious at times. but I've always wanted that in my life.

maybe I'll get it now when I go to Tafe in person, and meet people. god I fucking hope.

I went through a lot of medical trauma from being hospitalised as a 6 month old because hot tea spilled on me, to asthma hospitalisations and more.

all under the age of 10 mind you, I've always been the "problem" child. mostly because of all my medical issues, and developmental issues. my addiction to YouTube, and screens in general. is it an addiction when it's literally the only thing that stops me from bursting into tears?

I didn't have friends for most of my life, and the ones I did. I only saw them at most once a week, most of the time it was once or twice a month until they grew tired of me.

I've had nice things, but all I really wanted was someone to listen to me. I used to literally wish everyday for most of my life, its only stopped now because I have AN ACTUAL FRIEND. and I'd kill everyone and then myself for him literally. (I'm referencing a meme)

but I was lonely most of my life, I love my siblings but its just not the same. I couldn't share my thoughts and feelings because they'd just tell mother.

once I had a friend group on this game, Cat game (that's literally what they are called.) and I was happy. a bit stressed because of drama, but it was nice to have someone who listened and cared.

I'm tempted to go back, but I just can't risk it. my family thought they were groomers, those people were more likely to be groomed then be groomers. I'm not dumb, I still feel bad for my abrupt departure.

but at least they know I loved them dearly, if like I mentioned any of my moots. or the fact I talk so outwardly on the internet they'd ban me actually ban me forever. and I can't let go of my one healthy coping mechanism.

I don't think I could ever tell them shit about my mental state, especially after the shit show that was lena trying to get us actual help. I still want to go to therapy and a psychiatrist, but I'm worried I'm just going to be abused verbally and emotionally more.

and right now, it's way less.

if they knew I considered myself trans, or supported nonbinary people or just most of the different gender identities. they'd tell me I'm wrong and they would have seen it, or that nonbinary people are doing it for attention.

why the fuck would I do any of this shit for that? I want your unconditional love, and support for my struggles. not that fake bullshit!

I have problems and I just want to help them, and nothing I do is good enough. I'm this disappointment half the time.

there was this one time. (maybe more) when my little brother was having a meltdown, and screaming. my mother's blood was boiling honestly, and she was yelling at him to "SHUT UP" "STOP CRYING FOR FUCKS SAKE" and such. she threatened to pull over and leave him on the road, a common threat of her's. and when his screams and cries got louder, she pulled over into this parks parking. and told him either he was to "SHUT UP, OR GET OUT." he didn't and he got out of the car, or was taken. either way he was outside of the car, I was crying and telling my mother to "STOP" and let him back in, I was 7-8 when this happened. and he must have been 3-4, and my little brother was crying and crying. and my mother had enough of the insubordination, and started to drive away. I started screaming then to go back for my brother, *I'm not sure which one it was, but it was one of them. and she kept driving, and driving.

I think she circled the block twice before letting my brother back in, but that was traumatic.

this sorta thing was why when I had my first suidal thought it was to open the car door and fall out, because I couldn't TAKE the verbal abuse that happened in the car.

I had depression I think, I had depression for most of my childhood.

but now, I feel happier. not because of anything that's happened in the real life, but the comfort I got from here. the internet.

there's many many more times I could talk about but I'm tired, I'll tell you more later.

but she's not good, I don't know if she's ever realised. but I just cannot be mad.

from me

Pop

That sure was a long story, read it word by word, i definitely relate to the bad treatment and threats i also got from my own mother. Kind of glad you’re still here and had got better, i witnessed a kid being pulled outside the car and even punched.. not lovely.

Anyway, i care to listen in what you have to say next time, i consider myself a great listener if anyone needs to vent too and whatnot,, and come back next time bro.

- j

[jocrude]

SKETCH FOR A BALLARDESQUE RE:DYSPHORIA

God, I can just see it. I can’t write it at the moment, but if Beat becomes En Vogue and has a revival in this Serpent-eating-its-tail we must for lack of a better meaning call Contemporary Culture…

(Author’s Note: First as tragedy, then as farce, then as farce, ad nauseum...The serpent of culture has been eating its tail until it has become sick, and irony/post-irony is our collective acid reflux, “as a dog returns to his vomit”[1] joyously hollow, exhaling from the nostrils with more oomph than usual, we do not holler with glee anymore but are now hollow with glee “like the bizarre euphoria after an hour’s vomiting”[2], but this too is a topic I must think on at an unspecified later…)

Anyways, the story I would’ve wrote went like this:

(Hang on, I should just note to you real quick that this sketch is, well, a sketch—as much for the artist’s future use as for the public’s consumption.)

Ahem. Anyways anyways, the story I would’ve wrote went like this:

You’ve read Deleuze, haven’t you? Postscript on Societies of Control?[3](If you haven’t I can’t blame you, he’s terminally French and not in the good way.) The whole inspiration for this thing was that a transgender mate of mine sent a link to a news article on a Discord server I (also transgender, and fresh from the Dandenong Mental Health Care Unit with Wellbutrin and a grudge,) was on. It was from Gamesradar, about an Autistic Savant for hacking being hospitalised for life after he leaked something or other related to Grand Theft Auto Six.[4] The text, unaltered, from my transgender mate, is as follows:

The autistic 18 year old responsible for the GTA 6 leaks will be locked away in a secure hospital for an indefinite period of time Because he wants to continually commit cybercrimes as soon as possible

He's an autistic savant of hacking and cybercrime

I reposted it to another Discord server, with the following commentary:

So apparently there's an 18 year old autistic savant for hacking who has hacked Nvidia and Microsoft in the past and he's being hospitalised for life after leaking GTA 6 stuff. This is so bizarre it's funny but it's also shit like this that perfectly outlined why I'm anti-psychiatry. It's a prison system for crimethink. Also, read Deleuze's "Postscript on Societies of Control", I know he has a reputation for being incomprehensible but this is a short and easy-to- understand read. Dividuals being punished in anticipation of crimes they may possibly commit related to unauthorised transmission of information. [Link to said text on The Anarchist Library.]

(Author’s note: We’re pretentious! Yes, haha! Young and irritating! I’m noting this with glee as I write.)

Now, enter a third transgender online mate:

he's friends with maia of hacking the no-fly-list fame[5]

i think i once joked that congress will put us all in mental hospitals if this keeps happening, so this tracks

And, Quoth I, like some fateful Cassandra: (the thought that started all this bother you’re now reading about, drumroll please…)

God I can see a dystopian future where the Republicans are like "trans people need to be killed" and the democrats are like "God that's too far, but look at the correlations between gender dysphoria and autism, depression, adhd, anxiety, etc.. Let's just hospitalise them." Trans people crowded into sanatoriums working on a shoestring budget, those few who wear the mask well enough to become outpatients too disillusioned to have hope of getting well and unsure if the answers they give are a mask or their real face, new neuroses springing from that... And a society of very concerned moderates debating to what extent the hospitalisation scheme could be improved.

I’ll need to develop that! That’s a very golden idea! I’m a good writer because I am developing this idea, and you’re not. But I’m not that good of a writer. So! I make sketches, so as to help me practice and that.[6] Our hero is a Transgender just like me. She’s the wrong type of transgender (unlike me), the cringey type, not so much Bigger Thomas as Blahaj Thomas[7], painful as the pun just there. She will be an outpatient in this stratified system of liberal compromise, one of the shining examples of the Utopian Solution to the Transgender Question.

(Author’s Note: As I’m writing this, I think back to how I told the psychiatrist at the Dandenong Mental Hospital that I couldn’t quite remember if I was diagnosed Schizoaffective. I think back to when I watched “Conspiracy”, a BBC docudrama made using the actual minutes from the Wannsee Conference[8]. I think of Croissants, another French invention with too many layers. I think of watching a video on my phone at Marie Bashir[9], another hospital, Plastic Pills (a youtuber) on Deleuze and Schizoanalysis[10]. Lines of flight between layers. I think of pretentiousness, using words and concepts you don’t have a right to know. I think of when I learned about Zen Koans, riddles you unravel to a solution you know but can’t explain because it just feels right.)

Anyways, anyways, what was I saying again? Oh yeah. In this dystopia our heroine will inhabit, the Republicans and Democrats have worked together rather like a Caduceus[11] to create a society of control, of prevention, of compromise, for the Transgender infection. The Transgender,(Capital T,) whom Nick Land rather astutely called the “jews of gender,” presents an exciting new problematic in the deaf-dumb-and-blind machine of Capital’s social controls. I vaguely remember Wallerstein talking about a “fuzzy border” theory.[12] Jews, in Wallerstein’s analysis of Antisemitism as-I-vaguely-remember-it, are capable of being absorbed into the “White” racial category when societally convenient. Yet there are signifiers remaining upon them that mark them as an “eternal outsider” ready to be scapegoated in times of social distress. I remember Wallerstein or Balibar or one of those bloody Continentals furthermore saying that the sociological function of bigotry is more or less to rank and stratify class society into a more modular, flexible, “fuzzy” collection of groups that can be ejected or absorbed; as ballast for the floating, headless, decomposing corpse of Capital and the blind and desperate ecosystem that feeds upon the corpse-wax. I might have added that last bit myself.

But Jews beget jews. There is a clear, unbroken line of matrilineal descent. The reason this problematic is so exciting is that nobody really knows what causes one to become transgender. It is abhorrent to say, but, in theory, “the jews” as an ethnic group could be wiped out. “Exterminate all the brutes”[13], the Nazis hoped, in theory if they were able to sever that line of matrilineal descent the jewish race would cease to be. (Reality interjects of course and says that genocide on such scale is so anti-human as to not be feasible, but genocidaires don’t really care much about what Reality says.) The Transgender cannot be wiped out permanently, pulled out at the root, it is an enemy/ally/thing-to-cry-over that has various manifestations and suppressions throughout the history of gender expression but always exists, at least as far as we know. A perfect enemy, a punching bag that always pops back up.

Anyways, anyways. The Republicans wanted to kill all Transgenders but this, like most genocides or genocide-adjacent-things, was unfeasible. The Democrats, concerned moderates that they are, saved the day and created a social welfare scheme. Recognising the correlation between Gender Dysphoria and things like Autism, Depression, Suicide Attempts (41%!), and maybe Schizo-spectrum disorders that the author is not quite sure she has, the Democrats set up a Bureau of Psychiatry that, in that typical strange American way, was instated for the good of the Gender-Diverse. I remember a fourth online transgender mate of mine sent me a copy of Fanon’s Wretched Of The Earth, and Black Skin, White Masks, as a Christmas present, that I read while staying at Marie Bashir Hospital and sadly left behind when I moved to Melbourne. I think I remember Fanon talking about how re-education was a particularly nasty form of torture, because one would be left unsure whether what they were saying was what they needed to say to get out of the torture, or what they honestly believed.

We observe things from the point of view of a concerned moderate looking in. Like an odd ant in a terrarium, our heroine has been detected to be infected with gender dysphoria, and autism, and is funnelled into the Bureau Of Psychiatry. They talk in a despicable and cringeworthy way about bits of very online transgender culture that they have absorbed; they are a simulacrum of woman, not woman itself. But as they are funnelled through the Bureau of Psychiatry they learn to answer various questions in so accurate a manner as to move to the top levels of the sorting algorithm of mental deficiency, and learn to put on an act to be as close to an ideal functioning human being as someone who has been marked with a mental disorder can be. Along the way, they become more and more removed from the vague psychic-emotional signifiers of womanhood that implanted their dysphoria to begin with. They wear the mask; the mask wears them.

[1]Proverbs 26:11

[2]A quotation appropriated from the TV series “Brass Eye”(1997)

[3]Gilles Deleuze, “Postscript on Societies of Control”(1990)

[4]https://www.gamesradar.com/hacker-behind-gta-6-leak-will-be-confined-to-a-secure-hospital-for-life-due-to-his-intent-to-return-to-cybercrime-as-soon-as-possible/

[5]Maia Arson Crimew, high-profile transgender hacker who was put on trial for cyber-crimes; https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maia_arson_crimew

[6]Pronounced “An’nat”, an affected Commonwealth vocal tic. Useless Information.

[7]Bigger Thomas, the thuggish, antisocial black protagonist of Richard Wright’s anti-racist novel “Native Son.” Blahaj, a blue plush shark sold by Ikea, stereotypically associated with “femboys” and a certain very online milieu of gender-diverse people that other transsexuals regard as “cringeworthy.”

[8]https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wannsee_Conference

[9]The Professor Marie Bashir Centre, containing a mental health unit where the author was confined for a period of four months because they lacked a home to return to.

[10]Refer to the YouTube playlist Deleuze by Plastic Pills “All of the main Deleuze content from creator Plasticpills assembled in one place. Alongside the video intros, listen to some of the world's foremost experts in Deleuze studies advise how to approach these difficult texts. https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLx5jMl5-m5ZSyaYg7hTBynO6iDFlrDUtr

[11]Not to be confused with a Rod of Asclepius, the symbol of medicine. Quoth Wikipedia: “Although the Rod of Asclepius, which has only one snake and no wings, is the traditional and more widely used symbol of medicine, the Caduceus is sometimes used by healthcare organizations. Given that the caduceus is primarily a symbol of commerce and other non-medical symbology, many healthcare professionals disapprove of this use.”

[12]Etienne Balibar and Immanuel Wallerstein, “Race, Nation, Class:Ambiguous Identities”(1991)

[13]Joseph Conrad, “Heart of Darkness.” The Unlucky number.

[aspd-culture]

I really don't want to being this up with my therapist so I kinda wanted to vent here and ask you if this sounds like aspd.

Kinda a disclaimer I have Aspergers, ADHD and depression diagnosed as well as trauma from being hospitalised (psych ward) quite young also big ass trigger warning

The thing is I relate heavily to all if the symptoms like I can place them personally onto myself and things I do.

I've been a serial liar since I was child, ppl irl even now don't ken the the real me I've spun a web of lies ab myself, nothing of great grandeur, just to cover up the tracks of things I don't want ppl to know as well as I enjoy lying frankly

I have low empathy, i always kinda have done. I've never really felt that pain I just can't muster the energy to give a fuck, I really don't fucking care, like that's a you problem it doesn't concern me nor does it threaten me so I don't care.

I've never felt remorse for my actions I feel like if I harm someone, lie, or manipulate them they kinda deserve it and ik that they probably didn't but they hurt me or they hurt my image or my reputation so they have to pay, they have to know that I have that power over them.

I often get violent urges and thoughts, most of the time in the form of a day dream if sorts. TW but I really wanna beat someone into a pulp esp if they thought I was weak or they doubted me/angered me. I often ponder the question to myself that if I did kill or harm someone like that would I feel something or would I get a similar feeling to when I fantasize ab it, would it scar me for life? Would I realise I was wrong? I mostly do this to try ground myself as I've gotten in some rlly nasty fights before because it ended up being all I could think about.

I've broken the law many times either through selling, buying or doing drugs. Shoplifting and pickpocketing (haven't been caught yet ab any of these ones) as well as multiple charges of assault.

I lie to people I consider my friends about caring ab their problems or opinions and I can't keep friends for particularly long unless their drug buddies

However I think I can feel love in a romantic/sexual sense but I think most of my past relationships have been nothing but obsession mixed with the fact I like having someone who cares that much ab me and I like having a lot of sex. Like I need you to be mines, if they even mention they find another person attractive then i just want to fucking maim someone. You can only be mines until I get bored of you. Then as soon as I get bored all feelings towards them cease and I gotta fake that I'm upset.

I do a lot of things that are considered "morally bankrupt" according to my therapist but I always feel like I'm not a bad person, I just can't let people know I do bad person things.

Sorry for the vent

Alrighty gotta start this off with a real quick boundary about a term you used. Please do not use the term Asperger's when talking to me (ideally, not at all). It is a literal N*zi's name. I also hate the aspie supremacy aspect of it, but honestly that's not my main issue with it, my main issue is that term literally means "not disabled enough by their autism to be gassed so let's give them to our freakshow n*zi doctor so he can experiment on them until they die that way". Thanks. /nmay just frustrated by the use of the term. I know not everyone knows.

That said, I am still ok with answering the rest of the ask for you. I cannot diagnose you, and anything I say here is really just info I'd advise you to take to your therapist, not a way of avoiding talking to them about it.

One major part of ASPD that you didn't mention at all in your ask is disregard for safety/wellbeing of yourself; you just mentioned others. PwASPD not only have trouble avoiding putting others in danger, but themselves too. We tend to get ourselves into situations we can't easily get out of, start fights we know we can't win or haven't considered if we could win, etc.

Another big thing that I noticed in your ask is an egocentric way of thinking and speaking that is not super common in ASPD. Arrogance is an associated trait, but usually people I've talked to with ASPD have a more complicated relationship with the justification for the things they do (justifying to yourself to avoid responsibility is actually a symptom of ASPD) as well as with their self-esteem. That said, many of the symptoms you're talked about here definitely do seem to match up with some of the criteria...

I wonder if it's possible you relate to the symptoms of either just NPD or both ASPD and NPD? I am by no means an expert in NPD and I don't know you particularly well but just answering basing off of the wording of your ask and such I would advise you do research into that as well as ASPD. They can be comorbid. In fact, because the way that cluster b disorders develop are all relatively similar (trauma and failure to develop a secure attachment style), it's somewhat common to have more than one of them.

I hope this helps.

[swallowed-by-the-moon]

I hate all or nothing mindset BUT TBH SHOULD'VE BLOCKED HIM SOONER

LIKE BRO WAS OBVIOUSLY TALKING SWEET LIES. AND I WANTED TO BELIEVE WHEN HE WAS TELLING ME THAT HE'S GONNA MESSAGE ME MORE OFTEN WHEN HE'S DONE WITH EXAMS. BUT WELL HE WAS LYING AND I'M CONVINCED HE FORGOT ABOUT ME AT ALL BECAUSE HE WAS TEXTING ME ONLY TO TELL RANDOM SHIT AND GO OFFLINE BRUH. LIKE BRO JUST SAY YOU DON'T CARE

I am a fool for actually having hope in people

and now I'm left all alone. either way he texted me once a several months so I felt lonely even when I haven't blocked him yet

but it fucking sucks because the only friend I have left doesn't get me (shit she doesn't even understand what I'm talking about when I'm talking about the mess in my head) and my sister who doesn't know and I'm not planning on telling her about how fucking awful I feel and how I want to kms because 1. I don't want to scare her 2. I don't want to break her in any way 3. I don't want her to be paranoid about me killing myself 4. I actually can't trust her because what if she gets scared and tells the parents? no thanks, Ion want to be constantly controlled or gaslit or put on the ward (I highly doubt that tho, they won't get me hospitalised because they are afraid of stigma around having a mentally ill child)

that's for the best tho, don't need nobody in my life so I can think what I think and say what I say without someone putting words in my mouth and messing with my head. and that always happens when I have someone special in my life

[maggstar]

hi, love

no worries, i love reading ur long responses since my ask are usually on the longer side like ^^

the guy turned out to be a dick, not actually caring about me, he asked me for pictures of boobs so yeah, that's that, im disappointed cuz i thought he meant all the cute stuff he said to me but apparently people are awful and dishonest for some unknown reason and there is nothing i can do about that!

thank u for the lovely wishes! i hope that 2024 would be good and kind for us!

i saw that ure struggling these days and im sorry to hear that, i sometimes feel like there is no sense in this life too but i try to see the smaller picture when the big one gets too scary and overwhelming!

i love you too, im sorry that i can't talk to u more often im just too busy sometimes :(( but i do think about u and always hoping ure doing good!

i hope the burnout will soon pass! stay safe a!

sending hugs and kisses as always!!! im here for u even though it's not much!

-♡︎

ps id love to request something! but my brain has no ideas so sorry about that, sweetie

My angel,

fucking hate nudes, go watch porn instead your horny piece of - 😑

My mental health has been a mess lately. I've been on antidepressants for almost 4 years now and last month I tried to take decrease my dosage. Seems like it wasn't a good time as I had to go back up to my previous dosage because of my worsened state. Sometimes I have periods where I wanna end my life, but they usually pass. I called a site called safety line, it's for those who for example want to commit suicide or have problems. It helped a bit, made those thoughts disappear from my head. Sorry for rambling about such negative things haha.

It's alright, I know uni is difficult and it takes time! It's completely alright. I took a year of when my problems started so I'm repeating one more year, but next year I should finally graduate from grammar school. I get that you're busy, so please, don't feel bad at all! Ilym

I'm currently taking 2 weeks off of school. My doctor and psychiatrist adviced me to do so or my state could get worse and I would need to be hospitalised. 😁

How are you doing other than that? I'm sorry about the guy, but he was just a horny dickhead and that's not your fault.

Take care my sweet angel, love you so so much💕

Ps. I need to recommend you some amazing songs I've found recently.

Darci - Code Red, Travis Scott- my eyes (the best part looped), David Kushner - skin and bones. Let me know if you liked them. ☺️

[nityarawal]

Rona- Could you please keep working on Dr. Kazi to write a letter now?

Did you find a Dr who can do the AI challenge for court today? Whose quickest at problem solving dissolutions?

IEHP psych sounds like a scam on street people. 

They are mass murdering us in apartheid! Courts kill 1000 per court annually!

Did Dr. Kazi review Dr. Cash's reports and connect?

Dr. Cash is my Forensic psychologist working pro-bono to clean up IEHP fraud. He wrote Psychology for Dummies! 

Can you make sure clerk didn't lie about canceling her rancid creepy court Dr's appointment? I don't agree with crap warfare anymore.

Care. 

Not court.

Dr. Kazi- 

We needs Tick Bight Report From Dr. BROWNING and

Dr. Nadia at Dr Queresheri's 

See Complaints about her Nurse Darlene Violating hippa rights. 

They both left. Darlene is being prosecuted for allowing her boytoy to rape daughter Melody Gray- and now we worry she stole her daughter- in foul play for him. She tried to hurt Melody with RO but Judge is on our side and DA has been asked to restrain iehp trolls.

Handyman Dennis Sketchly & Alex Dustin Grover- militia planted Tick in bed in December. No pets. It was a nazi trick and I've been slummed by Idyllwild Realty & militia 20+ times. I'm a realtor. I can find a nice home. Can you keep court Rats away though. I'm camping because of budget- but also to avoid militia court trolls. So sick of them. I call it fast now when I spot that bs!

X and my brother previously smeared me to the community about private personal medicine choices etc. 

Not interested in selling courts more data. 

We need refunds for 18 months filmed & caged!

Many court hookers abused me for them. 

Darin David Joye broke heart bullying me into Plea bargains for "job," with Abi Odam- my mediator coach I hired for 6 months!

Many hired to seduce/rape/sell etc. 

We think I have lymes, spirochetes, and cyst in brain- possibly skin/female cancers. Extreme fungus growth from dirty conditions at court and being a state refugee tortured on Apartheid stipend. 

It doesn't cover rent! 

Financial fraud from x and courts, blue Shield insurance- has made it hard to see as many naturopaths as I would like but I have extensive training and am a researcher/journalist. I'd like an honorary doctorate for civil service I've done globally on this Apartheid resolution. Noble peace prize? 

NEED SPIROCHETE REPORT

FROM DENTIST DR. CAREY O' REILLY IN ENCINITAS - He's leading expert and posted many videos of our Mouths gingivitis bacteria on YouTube. 

He was mortified my x brought disease home too.

He treats kids too.

Advanced Dermatology- 2 reports/labs

Dentist - 

Riverside Healthcare- labs

Dr. Keane fired

Dr. Singh charged with attempted murder on Probate fraud with thousands of attys/judges/clerks/scams.

I re-endacted probate. I'm not dead. 

I sent Dr Murphys gay Forensic psychologist report with Ashby Clark Sorrensons help- before he attempted my life with Grant Funk & X team with ROs.

Murphy says I'm a genius with a .001% highest vocabulary & IQ. He said courts were too dumb to understand my family of Geniuses. 

Dr. CASH - FORENSIC PSYCHOLOGIST

wrote Psychology For Dummies

Need Metropolitan Hospital report 

For Dmv.org registration for Judge Hodges at Traffic courts. His clerks had me raped many times in 5 years and robbed with Psyche abuse in Judge Judith Clark's murderous courts.

I won and need refunds on wrongful rental car arrest. I proved competency once again. Courts are literally ill with doubt. Murdering is a gruesome job- they suffer- and we don't care. 

Charge them please. 

I was also hospitalized and 5150'd by x to Las Calinas on a murder attempt. I had a dire allergic reaction when an officer dosed me with Depakote and said it was vitamin d. I Begged to go to the hospital. 

Monday they attempted to force me to die on 12 drugs in Psyche court- no call out under Mathew Robert's for Lori Clark Viviano's bribes in public defense rapes.

I appealed and won medical freedom and competency. 

I was hospitalised in Riverside too by psychologist boss Carmel Benson on bribes- raped from work for months- then neighbor murdered!): I always prove competent immediately and don't appreciate my bosses selling me on black market. 

Mary Schmitz and Joan did this at their animal Rescues and I was beat up from work over expired car registration. 

We all know SSI doesn't cover housing or food! 

How to pay for government extortion as a refugee camping? 

Cop Rape is imminent daily. Scary! 

Need Calm And Ground Julie Steiger reports and receipts for 11 months of out of pocket court ordered therapy. She quit early on bribes with CPS & attys. Shes involved in foul play at Idyllwild arts now caging children that didn't appreciate 12+ teachers molesting them! Need $5k + damages in refunds!

I was caged at RPDC shortly after she quit. I got x rays of broken ribs there and Covid2. Please submit data. 

I paid for a year of therapy with Blue Shield Dr Amy Bell. She witnessed violence and saw me immediately after. So did Rebecca Stewart at my Leucadia acupuncturist.

Sunil and I saw several couples therapists. His atty Dr. Alan Silverman was referred by his Mistress paralegal- his x neonazi converted Jewish whore. She doubled on bribes at CPS and called herself a court officer after 7 years of winning her custodial real estate battle with Sunils next atty Jeff Fritz- and my real estate- free help- at my expense with kids for years! These peeps mixed my family! Jeff retired- hired Lori Clark Viviano. She arranged hit and run. Kids and I had to see chiropractors for years in Encinitas, Carmel valley and Idyllwild. Then they attacked my cars, homes & kids. Dr. Alan Silverman teaches Dr Gardner grooming yo pedophiles with Sunil's other lover Daniel Smachtenberger from physics in college. Daniel has lymes and probably gave early spirochetes when Sunil was cheating and stashing cash as UK spy. 

I worked for months with Therapist Tima Ivanova- she quit - conflict of interest with a friend who investigated murder of my property manager. 

I had one other awful iehp therapist that would multitask on the phone and barely heard me. It was hurtful. T Mobile also didn't work at most homes so it's a major hassle to waste time on bad iehp Drs!

I did 18 months of State therapy incarcerated too. I hated it. A Dr. would ask a question & walk away. It was 1-5 minutes of terrorism generally. 

Close that 3rd world detention slavery center! 

I never met a good Dr there and met thousands of worst psychiatrists & a plethora of rushed ignorant Dr's.

Dr. Kazi also found out that I'm allergic to tomatoes & peanuts as a result of ww3 hostage for terrorism. When is the president defending Persian Americans slaughtered in Apartheid by a million Jewish attys & neo nazi defense team? 

Need professional Mammogram order 

Get last ones- Dr Natalya did an awful breast exam! Need real obgyn!

Encinitas Dr said fibrocystic breasts.

Hospitals wouldn't let me have vitamin d or vegetarian diets for 6-9 months in Christian terrorism.

Need to go over 9 labs w/ Dr Kazi next week!

Scripps La Jolla ICU report from 2017 Mark Milton beating with victim reports filed for DA. 

Head injury is best if I practice my own medicine. Courts failed in covid 1,2 &3 Germ warfare. They're filthy! 

Any professional would close down with health department!

Judges have eye sight & contract/real estate training issues. They didn't pass bar? Perhaps!

I need a dissolution. Not another attempt on my life! Dr's steal from my work and family time. I know I'm entertaining. I've never met an iehp Dr or County service that can help heal practical health issues. I have 20+ hairballs & bio matter. I know how to take care of myself as a yogini, mom & educator journalist. We feel sorry for awfully sick court people- but they stole and hurt us in their Kinks. They don't deserve to keep Job's and we need Sanctions on all services rendered plus refunds on every single Offenders license. Thousands took bribes. Mother Nature wants family united.

Israel is just another gaslighting drama- an attack on family/sacred. We're not amused- nor impressed. Our kids need to live in their homes safe. We don't want government raping our families in schools, Apartheid nor courts. They failed my family, Israel, Lahaina and Pres wrote an Iran check to the wrong person. 7 billion go to Persian Americans too. Annually. Tell Jewish Doctors & lawyers to soul search and make reparations for millions of Slaves in America. It's a gross civil emergency what our defense team has done.

They are mass murdering.

Let me know if you can do a conclusive disclosure from all these Dr's. Iehp won't help. None of their Dr's are credited. Medical? Send me your favorite Dr's info only on referrals. I'm very prudent for myself and my sisterhood. Our lives were attempted- so we whistleblow- to stop abuse for our Dr's, patients, students, teachers and mothers. I speak on behalf of 2b mothers globally who demand end of Apartheid. 

We need 50/50 defenses/dissolution and defend rapists immediately with vasectomies and maximum charges. This is sick a rape has to be reported over 20 years in USA. Not one woman nor child ever thought psychiatrist drug induced rape was good for them or anyone's Psyche. How does it make you feel? 24 officer rapes. Police reports at Metropolitan Hospital. 

You can get kids files from the same Dentist, and Christine Wood is there Dr. At El Camino pediatrics. Dr. Eric eisen felt Dr's Clogged their organs with drug warfare & they bloated sick in pictures! You're not meant to take pharmaceuticals for more than 30 days but court Dr's constantly murder & OD. Mom said kids had nightmares so Sunil rufid them. Did he rape them when they were under? His bf reccomends this kind of drugging/grooming/pedo is famous dad and they both consult on mommy murders/rapes in court. I need ROs from all these gross stalkers from x monk David Kaplan's circles! 

I saved myself several times. 

I will now too.

You need to gather ALL medical files! I saw 3 horrible medical dentists. I need my money so I can practice medicine as I was trained at best ayurvedic medical and psychological college in globe.

No one is selling me again. Please do your job so moms can do ours appropriately.

I also wrote all my sandiego Dr's for you on intake forms? Please get my MD Dr. Blaine's files and rest. Those were best Dr's prior to hospital bullying into iehp.

Jay Curatolo is PS promising to provide a DA victim report and fair speedy trial and dissolution. They've literally used 1000's of employees to extort everything we have. We're so done with these bastards! 

7 years is a lot of data!): 

Thank you!

Peace!

Merci!

Nitya Nella Azam Davigo Moezzi Huntley 

On Tue, Oct 10, 2023, 9:16 PM nitya rawal <nityahuntley@gmail.com> wrote:

Thank you for your help! I will leave state tomorrow & get my daughter-  until Dr can assure my safety from rapists. 

No, I didn't even eat. 

War is terrifying on one's family. ):

10/10/2023

Afternoon Songs 

Anjali- 10/10

We're All Crying 

For Israel

Crying For Anjali

Didn't You Get The

Memo

My Sacred 

Family

Almost Desecrated

Israel We Love You

Jews We Love You

But Why You Let Your

Neo-Nazi Attys 

Take Our Kids...

https://www.tumblr.com/nityarawal/730854352139517952/10102023-afternoon-songs-anjali

On Tue, Oct 10, 2023, 5:11 PM PDUC Team <team@palmdeserturgentcaremd.com> wrote:

Hi Nitya,

Attached are all the lab results we have received. Unfortunately, like I have mentioned earlier, his stand remains the same, the letter would be beyond our scope of determination. I do hope you were able to call the number I gave you. 

Please do not reply to this message, we are more than happy to accommodate any of your concerns over the phone. 

Cheers, 

Rona

7603405800

From: nitya rawal <nityahuntley@gmail.com>

Sent: Tuesday, October 10, 2023 4:29 PM

To: PDUC Team <team@palmdeserturgentcaremd.com>

Subject: Re: Referrals

 

Thanks! Could you send my blood labs too? Did you get my other emails for Dr. Kazi? How's his court letter coming?

Nitya 

On Tue, Oct 10, 2023, 3:28 PM PDUC Team <team@palmdeserturgentcaremd.com> wrote:

Hi Nitya, 

As we spoke about, attached are your referrals approved by IEHP. I opted not to include the psychiatry as you do not want anyone in Hemet. Below would be the details I have given to you: 

Psychiatry Walk-In Clinic for IEHP

(760) 674-7132

Address: 41990 Cook St., Suite F-2002, Palm Desert, CA 92211

Monday – Friday, 9am – 5pm

I understand that you do not want to use IEHP because of previous experiences but just for the sake of time, I would highly recommend for you to contact the above walk-in clinic while waiting Dr. Kazi's approval for the letter you are requesting so you will have options. 

Please do not reply to this message, we are more than happy to accommodate any of your concerns over the phone. 

Cheers, 

Rona

7603405800

[happychappy]

I hate that this is the first post but I’m really upset about it so I want to vent and leave it here :( I love my girl so fucking much. She’s everything to me. But right now, I’m so fucking mad and sad and overthinking everything. So she texted me saying that her and her friend saw her ex, WHO I THOUGHT WAS IN A DIFFERENT COUNTRY. But no. She was fucking HERE. Anyways, a whole 6 minutes after that, she wanted to say that her ex is ugly and I’m an upgrade. But did she really think that? Like truly, with all her heart? Why’d it take so long? What if she saw her and thought oh I miss her. Or damn she looks good. I DON’T FUCKING KNOW! And idk, we talked about it and she said she was just busy with course but the way she said it sounded so sus 🧍 like she kind of mumbled it? And that’s all she said. She didn’t say I promise you right now that I have no feelings whatsoever for her and she can fucking die. No. She just said she was busy. That’s what you hear from all the cheater or people who’s done something they shouldn’t have. I know she’s said it before but I think I need to hear it right now. And I don’t want to tell her that’s what I need because she’ll just say it bc I want her to. I want her to MEAN it. I want her to reassure me so bad rn. I cried myself to sleep last night because I was thinking about her leaving me or cheating on me. The only reason they broke up was because her ex moved away and she became distant. But she’s back 🧍 she’s here. What if she’s here for good and they talked yesterday or there was tension or something? What if they still love eachother? What is she still loves her? Should I end it and let them be happy together? 🙃 should I end it while I have the courage to? She makes me so happy and I really, really love her. I literally can’t imagine my life without her, but if she’d be happier with someone else then okay haha…I’m fucking kidding. Who the FUCK? If she’s not happy with me, then I’ll become a fucking comedian because huh? Her? With someone else? Fuck. No. I’ve claimed her and she’s fucking mine. Only I can make her happy :)

I say that, but I end up getting insecure again and thinking oh she’d be better off with someone else. My mind is so contradicting. I would rip whoever she gets with apart. Literally hospitalise them. I honestly don’t care. Anyways…I don’t want to get hurt. I know I love her more than she loves me. I can feel it, and I fucking hate it. I want to leave so I don’t have to deal with these emotions. I’ve never fucking been like this before. This is my first relationship and idk how to fucking handle it. Too much happening all the time. I like catering to her needs, but I do it to the point where it gets in the way of what I need or want. But that’s just how I love. I’ve always done that for people I love, but thinking about it in the long run…it’s gonna drain me. I don’t know what to do.

Alsoooo I want to be FUCKED. Like I actually do. I was thinking about it before and I kind of miss the feeling I’d get with men. The fantasies and the need to be dominated. But I feel so uncomfortable when she does any of that with me. It makes me feel disgusted and I think that’s because of my “alpha male” mentality. I’m the man in the relationship, so I fuck her and make her cum. The thought of her fucking me gives me the ick. Every time I’ve cum since I’ve been with her, it’s because I’d imagine me with a strap and she’d be riding me. Her fat ass is bouncing and she’s staring at me with that desperate slutty look on her face. “That feels so good, daddy.” Anyways 💀 every single time, it’s me fucking her. And OH MY GOD. When we’re fucking, I talk to her in my head 😭 when she says stuff, I’ll reply but in my fucking head and it’s so hot but I feel like my voice doesn’t suit it so I just shut the fuck up.

I’m getting off topic 🧍 no surprise there. It’s just my trust issues. I have no fucking idea how to make them disappear. Okay, so I always think she doesn’t actually like me. I just don’t see how such a beautiful and amazing woman could be with such an ugly and boring person like me 💀 It’s crazy because I’ve seen the way her eyes dilate and I know she loves me but at the same time…WHY?! WHY ME? And she liked ME first. It just doesn’t make sense 😭 I’m not fucking complaining, I just don’t understand. She’s so fucking beautiful and sexy and perfect. I’m a literal loser 💀 I think if she was a bit uglier, it’d be easy to trust her and believe in how she feels about me. But no. She has to be the most beautiful woman in the world 🧍🧍🧍🧍🧍🧍🧍 like bro even when she just wakes up and she’s in track pants and a jersey! HOW DO YOU PULL THAT OFF?! When she eats, she makes it look fucking sexy! It literally turns me on 😭 HOW?! WHY?! Her body is so fucking perfect and her face is symmetrical like COME ONNN. She literally has an hourglass body, she’s shorter than me, her hair is so nice and soft, her eyes are beautiful, her nose is fucking adorable, her lips and big and kissable like fuck me bro. And oh my god her ass. Her fucking ass. It’s HUGE 👺 I love gripping it and jiggling it, it’s so fucking hot. She has the perfect ass I swear to God. Fuck this, I’m getting horny and side tracked 🧍 AGAIN.

But she’s also there for me when I need her. I know I talk led about her body a lot but who she is so much fucking more than that. She’s always so prepared to listen and she’s so caring and giving like idk how someone can be so perfect. She’s funny and weird and comfortable and everything. She feels like home and I wish I could spend every second of my life with her. I just like that we can sit in silence as well. We don’t need to talk to be okay, we can just enjoy eachother’s presence. There aren’t many people I can do that with 😔 OH MY GOD and she’s SO SO SO talented! She moves so gracefully, it’s like she was born to dance. Ykw? I just thought about what else I love about her and I can only see her smile 😭 is that weird? I think that’s weird. But her smile is my most favourite thing about her, I swear to God. It just makes me so fucking happy and I’d embarrass myself over and over again if it means she’d smile. I carried her on my back and pretended to struggle so she’d laugh *sigh* I miss her so much. I wish she was here with me rn. Okay I think I’m fine now HAHAHA I really fucking needed that 😭😭😭 this helps a LOTTTT. Anyways, that’s my story 💅

[eviltiddyproductions]

Crash Course in Romance : Episode 7

Oh no Chiyeol survived which means my boy Sunjae is toast

why does Sua care more about Haee than herself lmaooo she was disappointed that her teacher was just a customer.

I thought that he had a sophisticated palate and all this time they’re talking about normal daily Korean food like girl daily food is still sophisticated. Sua’s mom’s so !??😭✋ like sister you yelled at a table and scratched someone.

bring out the champagne!!!! Nam Haee is a topper <3333

I need to bottle her best friend and keep her with me she’s cheering so loud. 💗💗💗

and her student ice hockey man is dozing 🤣

also they’re in 11th grade so I once again beg Sua, is it THAT SERIOUS

she’s hospitalised which means Sunjae and Haee are about to be toast… sua and her mom will ruin people’s lives before a little REQUIRED introspection

see ? see ? lying pale with an IV drip next to you and you’re saying it’s because one girl got more marks than you 💀 what is her fixation. but how is her mom that OLD and not getting it. like you’re about to bulldoze someone’s life for this

I hate them so much. I actually do not care and hope she fails idk a girl can dream 🤩

I would say Sunjae’s mom get your act together but a literal stomach pumping trip to the doctor didn’t give her a wake up call so idk what will

everybody in this family forgets the cover story of her being married and you can see it in the interactions. like even I forgot it before he asked about her dad 🤣

oh they’re playing handball and Mr Ji is just there 😭😭😭

I’m not even mad at this one of my favourite tropes, one person bandages/takes care of someone as the other one steals glances

wow for the first time Sua didn’t blame Hanee for her problems but her mom brought it up again. like your daughter is clearly panicking and going through something but go off dragging my girls through the mud again 🤩

oh my god WHEN WILL IT END if the Sua’s were not enough or Sunjae’s mom now it’s the jealous tuition teacher let it gooooooo

why does he get to access my baby’s records omg FREE US

damn I feel bad for lawyer lady now why was he so aggressive 😟

they’re both dressed for a date to go to the doctor 🤣

the daughter setting them up for a date as Jaewoo tries to join in lmao

he looks horrified at the thought of acupuncture lmaoooo look at him

she’s just smiling 🥹🥰

they held hands

he remembered her name !!!

ohhh it’s a full location change, that’s why he missed the similarities

just realised the mother and the younger version of Haengseon look so similar!!! great casting.

apparently Sua connects the dots in the next episode and taking a page from her book I’m going to throw the biggest tantrum 😍 I hate it here