#I need meds huh
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Ui idea tests, thrown together bc im eepy. Was planning on doing more but I spent all my days energy on the second one oops
#Danny phantom#I need to draw more or I’ll die <- guy who’s meds exhaust them#writing is so hard how do u not make everyone sound like you through a bad filter#Ik that’s unavoidable in some ways (like how art style will always look like u did it+not someone else)#but ugh. I’ll figure it out eventually takes practice+learning+all that#was planning on writing today but then I though ‘huh it might b fun to make some fake ‘’screenshot’’ concepts#also the portal basement has a more complex design but again#eepy#I think the gimmicky MySpace-inspired boxes r fun but idk how well I could keep that theme going w/ some characters#I also never used MySpace so that’s maybe just a kill issue#*skill lol#the command prompt one would basically just be for the portal#I keep saying that this project isn’t feasible buy my hyperfixated ass keeps trying anyways
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Fighting off cold and flu has always been difficult for me and it's only getting harder as I get older. I find the transitioning from being "sick in bed" back to "functioning person" can often be the hardest part, especially when it comes to congestion which can take days if not weeks to clear up, so even if I'm able to walk around, do basic tasks, etc. I'm uncomfortable the whole way through. At least when it comes to my back pain, that's something that I'm used to and can predict and accommodate; getting sick is none of those things.
What's making it even more difficult this time around, compared to every other time, is the fact that I went from being healthy and medicated to sick and unmedicated. So that transition back into "functioning" is being slowed further by my returning inability to focus, to push myself through the uncomfortable feeling of doing literally anything, to be at peace with boredom.
Every single time I want to do anything that isn't laying in bed, it's met with both "I don't know if I'm physically capable of doing that because I'm sick" and "I don't know if I'm mentally capable of doing that because I'm off my meds."
And it's incredibly exhausting.
#self post#update#off topic#idk sorry for whining on main#my brain just. feels awful rn#part of me thought “huh i don't think being unmedicated is actually causing me issues”#but now that i'm on my third day (???) without meds i'm not feeling so sure LMAO#and for anyone wondering why i'm not taking them#it's because i have to play triage with my meds and treatment#i don't want to be stacking decongestants - some of which are designed to make me drowsy - on top of concerta which is a stimulant#this would kill the liver LMAO and also my brain would become an even bigger mess than it already is#so considering i'm on bedrest i've just decided to forgo taking my concerta meds until i don't need to be hopped up on sinus pills#then once the worst of the sick has passed and i can get by without needing pain and congestion relief i can go back on concerta#thankfully i was only on 18mg anyways so the crash isn't as bad as it would have been if i was taking stronger doses#but it still sucks and it means i'm at war both with the flu and my ADHD u.u
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trying so hard to flirt with a hot girl rn and my arthritis ridden hands are cock-blocking me
#original#im using humor to cope but genuinely my right middle finger is so swollen#it hurts so fucking much#genuinely close to tears just trying to pick up my phone#i wanna curl into a ball and just sob i hate this#fuck fuck fuck it hurts so much ghh#im taking all my fucking pain meds so why is it still this bad#ive almost run out of my gigantic bottle of 1000 ibuprofen i bought 2 months ago#that's insanity. my stomach is probably dissolving itself#fuck it hurts fuck fuck fuck#..........maybe i just slice the damn finger off huh#god. i dunno. i need to hit up laika see if its got any dismemberment stories i could read#ugn
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uber right conservatives really are sex crazed freaks bc why did i see someone claim that antidepressants are the devil and when someone asked why the freak brought up side effects and posted a screenshot and the only side effects listed were all abt ssris affecting your libido????? you know what else dampens your sex drive u fucking christian sex pest???????? DEPRESSION
#i hate anti meds ppl bc they ignore the issues in healthcare to be like oh you just need to suffer w the bible#huh? surely we can reach a middle ground of medicine handled responsibility and using homeopathic remedies to fill in the gaps
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i get the idea but i can’t quite get behind the people on instagram acting like their dog being reactive is some devastating life event that makes them “grieve” the dog they wanted. your dog is fine. you can still do amazing things with your dog. having a reactive dog doesn’t mean you can’t take them on hikes, out in public, etc. muzzle train. put the extra work in to counter-condition their reactivity. i’ve had reactive dogs my entire adult life and it never stopped us from kayaking, hiking, going to breweries, out to eat on patios, and to family events (i’ve taken milo to family christmas gatherings with no issues). it’s different if your dog is aggressive, but just having a reactive dog is not the end of a fun life together. it’s harder, but you don’t have to “grieve” anything. yike
#text#obviously this is my personal opinion!#but i am tired of people talking about dogs with normal dog behaviors like they’re broken or somehow harming US the human#your dog is fine. they’re a dog.#find a behaviorist do some training try some meds#i couldn’t imagine if when i told my mom how depressed i was she went ‘i am just grieving the mentally stable daughter i wanted’ like huh#dogs are whole other lives independent of you and your needs
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been taking a mini break since I think I’m having a depressive episode or something to do with my anxiety. girl idk…
#ani out#so if you messaged me or reached. I’m so sorry I’m just like in a state of ‘huh’#ever since I’m been on anxiety meds it’s been a huge game of#am I depressed#anxious#or both#or I just need to increase my dosage also
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Milo vs cramps and back pain vs feeling guilty for resting vs laying in the dark w one earbud in hugging my cardinal squisjmallow and laying on my heating pad
#📸#anywaysssss#I wish I didn’t always feel like shit recently !#getting my meds refilled tomorrow so I can go back to my proper dose instead of 20mg less than I’m supposed to have daily cause I’ve been#out of them waghhh but it’s fine getting them tomorrow and then I’ll start to feel human again#and my grandmothers almost done staying with us so that’s good for me getting my brain (and therefore body) back on track too#I feel like so far January has kicked my assssss but also good things are happening but the ass kicking is so strong I can’t focus on the#positive like I usually can#omg . I’ve been able to focus on the positive as my baseline sense i got my meds upped huh. it is nice to see that they work#but also. fuck I NEED THEM CONSISTENTLY COME BACK TO MEEEE tomorrow . meds ready tomorrow
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I’ve been trying not to think about it and get my hopes too high up but I realized that it’s been over a week since I’ve like, felt that “the world is caving in on itself” hurt, anxiety, and sadness. Tbh I’ve felt more…. Stable? Steady? Don’t feel like I’m wildly swinging between extreme moods every couple hours to couple minutes and I’ve been like huh that’s cool but also waiting for the other shoe to drop and for it to come back but then I realized this started a bit after all my med dosages got doubled and now I’m like. Holy god….. are they working???? Do meds actually fucking work???????
#again trying not to be tooooo hopeful this could be a coincidence and it’ll come back with a vengeance#but also I’m like. very odd that all of a sudden this stopped happening then#and I highly doubt I just magically got myself under control that quickly#like I mean yeah obviously I still get upset and sad and angry sometimes#but it doesn’t feel like I need to go fucking kill myself or like my insides are coming undone#and little things don’t send me spiraling like they were#on the one hand omg yay it would be so wonderful if the meds are actually helping now and I’m glad they might be#but also I feel a bit frustrated and sad because if I had been able to be on reliable medication before now….#maybe things wouldn’t have gotten so bad and certain things wouldn’t have happened#but…. no point in dwelling on that so I’m trying not to#just trying to be hopeful that some of the meds are actually doing what they’re supposed to#like not only just feeling better#I don’t come home and just sit in silence and stew in my own misery and make myself feel bad#I do things I actually like and I’m having fun doing them#I mentioned last night it felt weird how much I was writing and like huh I wonder if this is part of it#been playing lots of games too which has been fun#haven’t really been drawing cuz I already packed most art supplies but that’s fine#idk it would be nice if that’s part of what this is and it keeps up….#kaz rambles
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sits here. my mood has been swinging back and forth like a pendulum lately
#i still can't bring myself to make anything art-wise. and it is ripping me to shreds internally#i have no motovation whatsoever and i'm feeling disgusted by my creations. like that's the best you could do huh mixer?#i dunno. trying to keep calm. i'm going to my uncle's tomorrow to puppysit for 3 days#i'm happy that i'll see puppy but being out of my house will be stressful.#plus i've still got work to go to...#and i need to do the laundry and take out the trash and stop buying uber eats and forward my snap benefits email and.#and later today after high school lets out i'm going to talk with an old teacher i had#i need to change my bedding too..#i at least took a shower yesterday#i think my ptsd has been acting up in the background or something#my other uncle tries to tell me to let go of the past. but i don't want to. my past has forever impacted the way i'll be for the rest of-#-my life yk? and my 'past' wasn't even that long ago. it was 2/3 years ago. and my brother's still with that awful man#i can't pull him away from him.#i just wanna sleep. might take a sleep med early just to take a nap#i've been hating everything i make so like. why even try yk.#i drew one thing while i was hospitalized- a tiny sane jack head#i dunno. i dunno. i feel so empty. my depression's been super bad. i don't enjoy things that once made me happy#i feel so aimless. i'm thinking about going to college but i have to see what scholarships would be available because i can't work this job#WHILE in school. it'd wear me to the bone#i don't want to quit my job though. i like my job. i like my boss and my coworkers..#i dunno. idfk what's wrong with me anymore. i just want the pain to stop man.#i dunno what i want to do with myself but i feel like a. fuck it ik it's from firework but i feel like a plastic bag in the wind#i'm so tired. i miss my mom. i miss my sister. i miss my brother.#vent#delete later
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very very personal, just insight into where im at w my family and things that bother me/have encouraged me to move out
"i know youre moving out so im just gonna say no ones kicking you out and if you feel like this is something you have to do then ok"
thanks! i know im not being kicked out! but yknow i kinda yet a weird vibe when your out of touch husband takes me to a cemetery to yell at me, tell me im just like my father/dont give my father "the time of day", and that im "mean to people who care about me" in front of his dead mother's grave in a poor attempt at guilting me out of speaking my mind. but no yeah thanks for stating the fucking obvious that im leaving on my own terms
#problems!#people seem to underestimate how quick i am to make moves#the job market is piss. cant believe yall two would blame me for being unemployed when all i do from rise to slumber is hound ppl for jobs#im not going to stay in a house where i will be 'scared straight'. that shit doesnt work on me. in fact it has the opposite effect#i respect yall even LESS now#and youre so so fucking lucky one of my goals for next year is to make things right with you it would be easy to cut you off forever#same way i did with my abusive transphobic dad.#my mom is someone i know can do better and can actually listen to reason instead of being stuck in her generation's mentality of#'x is easy if you just do y. you kids have it so easy the world is at your fingertips' blah blah fucking blah#i am autistic i do not keep jobs easily. i am trans jobs do not want me. i am black and perceived as a woman. every customer at all of my#past jobs thinks i am rude or mean or have an attitude when i do nothing but treat others the exact way i would want to be treated#customers dont like what i say? i stop talking. customers dont like when i dont talk? i talk to them. rinse repeat#like i know im the problem here but all of my problems circle back to my autism and the fact that because im not a supergenius or#someone whose special interest is capitalism i fail at every avenue i try to jam myself in.#but yeah no i need to work harder i need to be taken to a FUCKING CEMETERY and yelled at by YOUR HUSBAND for wanting to go to the bathroom#in front of his mothers grave. god rest her soul and yall know im no christian so i actually mean that shit#because in his mind all i want to do is smoke and party. when i smoke because i have fucking migraines and g to shows#(two out of three of them being free and for the purpose of their willingness to 'get me out of the house')#bc i like music and i like engaging w my scene. but no its all violent noise theres no actual purpose or activism behind moshing. nope#its just one big party right. im just wasting my time right. because i like sleepin on a couch every night with no doors to close. yep ok#anyway heres to me getting my meds getting the fuck out and being somewhat far from my scene now that im moving#hows that for smoking and partying all the time huh?#if any of yall read this i am so so sorry. bitching about my stepdad will become a thing i think#hes one of those bible thumpers that are totally boring and indifferent to differences around them and thinks my mom is just like him#in some ways? she is. but she is a people pleaser and will never take her wants or her feelings seriously#because she had the unfortunate upbringing in being brainwashed into thinking her feelings/wants are sinful#shoutout to my christian or catholic mutuals who are fucking normal and dont let some old fantasy novel control your life. peace#religion mention
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it's hard to have a good day like, mentally and emotionally but a bad day physically.
it's REALLY hard to do that twice in a row but we're going to try.
#i'm not doing the bit this time sorry#the POTS has been POTSing all over the place and i had to take a shower#so what *wasn't* THAT bad before is now VERY BAD and i'm like...#i'm nauseous i don't want to eat anything i can feel the pain starting so i do need to eat SOMETHING so i can take meds#but the concept of both making AND eating food is daunting and also gross feeling simultaneously#my heart is just constantly pounding and i haven't had any caffeine yet today#so my concerns that it was the monster making my shower reactions worse is absolutely not the case#because i'm fucking sitting here shaking like i just survived a car crash all due to having#*checks notes*#woken up made my bed and taken a shower. that's IT. that is ALL i have done so far#and i am trembling and shaking and weak and nauseous like i'm in shock or something this is BULLSHIT#i think i'm hungry too is the other problme i don't know for sure due ot the aforementioned other factors#so i bet eating would help a lot here#god i hate this so much right now i'm so mad#i had to dream about my family and being ignored and there were WILD swings between feeling horrible and feeling like things were improving#and i wouldn't be shocked if the symptoms i was having in my dream were happening in real time in my actual body too#i hate htis i hate htis i hate this#water salt compression socks WHAT ABOUT WHEN THAT'S NOT ENOUGH HUH? WHAT THEN??? DO I JUST GOTTA LIVE LIKE THIS?????#*fuck* i'm so angry rn. and sad. i think i'm going to let myself cry and see what happens
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Actually y'know I think the thread holding all of this together is that Yuki is just such a goddamn introvert. He is just not a chatting at length and spending time around lots of people type of guy, no matter how internally and emotionally fulfilled he gets, I think, and at the point canon ends he still has a lottttt of work to do to stop treating every social interaction like a Big Fucking Deal he needs to either get a good score in OR blast through on the strength of adrenaline and lofty irritation alone.
At college he'd still probably be way more popular than he likes purely on looks alone and would end up taking copious refuge just killing time on dumb stuff with Kakeru imo.
#ADMITTEDLY this is probably mega projection here bc. that's me lmaooo#w kakeru I think it's interesting how much he genuinely seems to enjoy being around Yuki even when theres nothing else going on#I think maybe he's just the type who doesn't like to be alone much#he does need his parties and big events and stuff obviously but as long as he's getting his fill he can chill with yuki indefinitely#I foresee plenty of parties where Yuki goes somewhat out of resignation/compromise and spends much of his time just outside in the fresh ai#while Kakeru bounces back and forth btwn keeping him company and getting back in the thick of things#Yuki strikes up several random relationships with various younger siblings/pets/other outsiders that he never sees again#and shows his face just often enough that everyone's like 'yayyy yuki's here!!!!! :DDDDDD'#like chat seeing him walk past the camera on a screen#frankly annoying. but would yuki be dating kakeru if he doesn't in some strange way appreciate annoying behaviour????? no.#anyway I should go get my meds instead of sitting here on a laptop typing out headcanons for half an hour huh#yuki sohma#fruits basket
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so clearly i arrived fine and the start to my "trip" is going great! now it's 2am and im feeling the gravity of my situation 😄😄😄😄😄😄😄😄
#i have a couch to crash on in nyc but i need money to get BACK THERE#i have 45 days to get a job. because a certain relative i have will magically produce the money for me to move back if i have a job offer#even though i still wont be able to afford an apartment or anything yet#fuck i am realizing how really fucking fucked i am#the same relative that put me in this position is the one who's helping me on terms he has not specified :) haha im not scared at all#like okay with my gfm that proved to me that i dont need him right but i cant do two gfms like oh wow teddy needs help again cant get a job#yet huh loser. and i just cant bring myself to Actually Borrow money from people even though we both know ill pay it back#the childhood trauma of having grown up homeless is hitting HARD rn#doesnt help that my meds are Very Messed Up at the minute#my heart problems and crazy pills arent getting along well#so i need uhhh to take care of that! fuck id like. to. well the work relies upon your continuance. unfortunately#dont particularly feel like it does at the moment [frantically thumbs thru my mental book of things to say when i wanna die] eh kinda wanna#see how the story ends though the chapter started kinda weird but maybe it gets better. maybe it's a turning point or smthn#lessons of the hand and the mouth
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It’s annoying
It happened twice too please🧍♀️
#It’s a fuckin character too yet the amount of absolute horror I feel lookin at em🤵♀️/gen#vent ig???#dude idk i need sleep😭🙏#no matter how much i talk ig I’ll still feel like shit seein em huh🚶♀️#apologies for all of#Well#this🧍♀️#Maybe it’s the meds again although this time I honestly doubt it#Anyways😜#k’s rants#kk’s art#I DONT even need to see the image the tag itself actually triggers me enough dawg😭/gen /srs#The amount of horrible feelings attached to this character is honestly impressive🤵♀️
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Remembering that a 4 hour psychological test means 4 hours under the examiner's microscope. I hope they let me listen to music during a written test, but idk if that would defeat the purpose or not. I... really don't know what to expect tomorrow, and it's kind of making me a bit nervous. Lol.
#speculation nation#i dont like to be psychologically analyzed. god i just remembered i have therapy this week too.#which that at least. i mean it's uncomfortable but ultimately it's just talking.#psychological testing they are gonna be Watching me. there will be the questions but also they will be judging my actions#and im so used to masking but that would actually go against me in that instance.#and i really hope theyll let me listen to music bc 4 hours of silence sounds like hell on fucking earth.#but i dont know if that's. part of the process??? put me through stress to see what makes me tick???#my goal is to get an adhd diagnosis but im also scared theyre gonna pick up on the autism.#im gonna be honest. but i didnt plan to get the autism diagnosed bc i dont want the downsides of that#ya know. societal and institutional ableism. etc etc. they might take away opportunities from me.#but it goes hand in hand. and surely it couldnt be too bad if they pick up on it...#i could manage through 4 hours without music but itd be hard. and it could do bad things to my brain.#i think im preemptively prickling up. like a porcupine. i dont want them Looking at me.#i need to just... chill out. whatever comes will come. and it's ultimately in my best interests.#this is what i need to get my adhd meds. it'll be worth it.#..... but im also worried about what else might show up. i know i got Problems. but i dont want them to... know about them.#all sorts of awful invasive questions about me and my past.#for someone who acts like such an open book i really am so allergic to actual emotional vulnerability huh?#decent chance i'll just dissociate thru the whole thing. to get through it.#cut the emotions off. who needs em. the brain can factually answer things without the emotions' input.#anyways im gonna go do some chores. peace#negative/#lol.
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ohhh that is a wretched post
#toy txt post#you can truly just say anything you want online huh. the notes are so so bad#half remembered things that ppl are saying you cant take with your meds but they arent sure if their parents were lying#while other ppl say you should use that to take All Your Meds etc#oaidurbrudgeherudhsg I KNOW THE INFO THAT COMES WITH YOUR MEDS IS DENSE BUT AT LEAST TRY TO SKIM IT#MAYBE DOCTORS SHOULD BE MORE UPFRONT W THINGS THATLL INTERACT BUT PART OF IT FALLS ON YOU TO ASK#hey does this interact w any of my other meds? hey does this interact with like common foods i need to cut out of my diet?#does this interact with alcohol or caffeine?#anecdotally i can say you should probably stop taking your stimulant medication with highly caffeinated beverages like coffee and some soda#but im not your pharmacist im not your doctor im not you i dont know how you react#i just know that shit was giving me daily anxiety attacks all of senior yr and now i try to wait at least an hour or 2 before significant#caffeine.#i also have developed a light sensitivity to caffeine
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