#while other ppl say you should use that to take All Your Meds etc

[toytulini]

ohhh that is a wretched post

[pinknightsinmymind]

【 hell week - abby anderson 】

abby anderson x fem!reader

wc: 2.2k

based off request prompt: What do you think about them being in college and braving through finals together? Like, they've been working for hours and they collectively decide to encourage each other through it?

content: modern!au, college!au, established relationship, helping each other manage stress through finals, you and abby being caring gf's, LOTS of affection between you two, one sexual joke, abby being happy and sharing her sense of humor, lots and lots and lots of fluff, cuddling, use of pet names (babe, baby, love, etc.)

a/n: wowowow this was so cute to write ik its a little past finals week as the next semester has either begun or will be starting soon for ppl, but i hope reading about going through finals week and being domestic with abby is still heartwarming. i hope it can also be a comfort to be read again at a later time when its finals week again and you're stressed and need a moment to relax :) more than anything taking care of yourself during finals is the most important which is something i've barely learned and figured out how to do. anyways, now that i'm done lecturing, pls enjoy!!!!

“I think I’m going to drop out,” Abby announced. You snorted.

“Like hell you’d drop out,” you said back to her. You knew Abby was just being dramatic and complaining. Despite how draining the work was, you knew she loved her major and being in pre-med.

“No, I think I’m actually gonna do it this time. I’ll just scam people online for money. This medical shit just isn’t it. In fact, I think I’m gonna become the country’s most wanted con-woman.”

“What you need is a break from studying, not to drop out,” you advised. You leaned forward from across the table and closed Abby’s textbook and notes. She sighed and rubbed her temples. “You’ve been studying hard enough. Don’t push yourself.”

“You’re right.” She shuffled some of her note cards in her hands absentmindedly. “Neither of us have taken a break in a while. My brain hurts.”

“Tell me about it,” you grumbled. “Wanna get something to eat?”

“You read my mind. I think the walk would be good for me.”

“Plus, we’ve done enough studying for a while. We can study more later tonight.”

“You’re a genius, [Y/N],” she grinned. “That’s why I keep you around.” You rolled your eyes as you gathered your things together and shoved them in your backpack. Abby followed suit as the two of you prepared to leave the library. You checked your phone and saw it was around three o’clock, and you had both been there since before noon. Yeah, you both definitely needed the break.

“Tonight,” you started as you walked by Abby’s side, “we’ll study some more. I say we take a few hours to ourselves.”

“Oh, yeah?” she asked flirtily. You hit her arm.

“Not like that! I meant we should decompress for a while. Eat, watch some TV, that kind of thing.”

“Physical activities are good for decompressing,” she countered.

“Oh, I’m sure they are to you. Look at you. You go to the gym, like, six times a week,” you joked.

“Five,” she corrected.

“See!” you exclaimed. The two of you finally exited the library, the sun’s warmth and beams hitting you. The warmth was delicious, and much better than the freezing Arctic inside the library.

“I thought you liked my physique. Some say it’s Grecian.”

The laugh spilled from your lips before you could even stop yourself. “Oh, my God. You did not just say that.”

“I think I’d be a Spartan,” she mused.

“You’re joking.”

“No, I’m one hundred percent serious. Sparta’s no joking matter.”

“You are so—I don’t even know what to say.”

“Charming? Hilarious? I’ve heard it all before,” she said cockily. Before you could even respond you felt her hand slither close to yours and lace your fingers together. “What do you want to eat?”

“I don’t know. What’s closest?”

“That sandwich place you like is nearby. We just gotta walk past the art building and it’s right there.”

“Deal!” you agreed. Walking through campus was always enjoyable with Abby by your side. She made the weather less dull, the day less mundane. It was these little moments with her that you enjoyed the most. Sure, it’s boring everyday life, but she made it special. Abby swung your interlocked hands through the air as she matched your stride. Yes, you may have been in the middle of exams, but at least you had Abby by your side while you endured it. You enjoyed the small journey together, taking the time to admire the beautiful landscapes before you. The university had many trees planted around campus whose lush, green branches provided bountiful amounts of shade. There were squirrels roaming around searching for food, while only a few other students wandered around. For some finals week had barely begun, while others were going through the dregs of it.

Nearly everyone had coffee in their hands while they were dressed lazily—and none of them you could blame. Finals week tired you out beyond compare, and you still had a paper to complete tonight. Abby had two more exams to prepare for, while you only had one more in a few days. You were both just trying your best to make it through the week, both vowing to help each other whenever necessary. That included monitoring each other’s sleeping schedules, making sure you both stayed on task, and making sure above all you were both taking care of your health. That was the most important one seeing as the two of you had a streak for getting so involved in your studies you often neglected your well-being. It was a slippery slope, but when you had each other to look after one another, it made things somewhat easier.

“Hey,” you said to Abby suddenly. She glanced at you, waiting for you to finish speaking. “I’ll pay for lunch today.”

“Really?” she asked.

“Yeah. My treat.” You squeezed her hand in yours, watching as a smile spread across Abby’s face. She looked radiant whenever she smiled.

“Trying to wine and dine me?” she teased.

“You know it.”

Lunch with Abby was just as calming and therapeutic as you thought it would be. Not only did it calm your nerves, but it gave both of your brains just the break they needed. You both took your time to eat, looking to enjoy each others’ presence and the food instead of rushing. After eating, the two of you decided to head back to your shared apartment rather than go to the library again.

“Do we have to start studying right away now that we’re home?” you asked her. Abby glanced at her watch. It was barely five, but she didn’t want you to stress yourself out more. In fact, she felt you deserved to rest more, instead.

“’Course not, babe,” she answered. “You’ve already been working hard enough. Let’s just watch something together.” Abby pulled together some blankets and set up her laptop for the two of you on your bed. Settling herself against the headboard with the blanket wrapped around her, she opened up her arms for you to join her. You quickly joined her, Abby wrapping the blanket around you as well. She pulled you close to her body, arms around you tightly, as you began to watch the show you binge watched together. Abby placed quick kisses against your cheek and forehead here and there, but still made sure to concentrate on the show before her. Despite this, you still managed to distract her and pull her into more heated kisses every now and then.

After a few episodes you asked Abby if she was ready to finish studying, and when she said yes the marathon ended. You sat at the small dinner table together, Abby turning through the pages of her textbook and making countless flashcards. You, however, pulled out your laptop and began working on your paper. It was due tomorrow at noon, so you wanted to be sure you got it done by tonight, even if it meant staying up extra late. You’d make that sacrifice if you had to. You wrote page after page, inserting your quotes, making arguments, for what felt like forever. However, you were still nowhere close to done. It was already past 10 P.M., and you had at least three to four pages left to do. After about twenty more minutes, Abby wrapped up her studying and announced she would take a shower.

“I’ll be back, love,” she said, giving you a small kiss before heading to the bathroom. You sighed as you heard the water start running. You knew it was going to be a while before you finished, but you’d have to bear it for the time being. You worked in a frenzy as the pressure of your final grade hung over your head. You just wanted to finish this assignment so the semester could finally be over. Abby finally returned from her shower after some time, rubbing the strands of her hair in her towel to dry it off.

“How’s the paper coming?” she asked. You shook your head.

“It’s coming,” you groaned.

“It’s getting pretty late. Are you almost done?”

“Hardly,” you answered. Abby came up behind you and began massaging your shoulders. It helped to calm you somewhat, her hands managing to rub the spots that ached the most.

“Want me to stay up with you?” she asked softly.

“I’d like that,” you said. Abby finished massaging your shoulders and pulled out the seat next to you.

“I’ll stay here the whole time with you, baby, but let’s make a deal.”

“What is it?” you asked. You looked away from your screen and into your girlfriend’s eyes as she spoke.

“Before I tell you, what time is this paper due?”

“Tomorrow at noon,” you answered.

“Okay, here’s what we’ll do. I’ll let you write a little bit more, but after midnight you’re gonna take a shower and go to sleep.”

“But I need to finish this,” you argued.

“Yeah, but you can’t tire yourself out, babe. You’re not pulling an all-nighter on my watch. We’ll wake up early together tomorrow and you can finish it, okay? So just do what you can tonight.”

“Fine,” you grumbled.

“So, how much you got left?” she asked.

“About two to three pages,” you answered.

“I think you should write until you only have one page left. How does that sound?”

“Doable,” you responded. You turned back to your laptop and continued where you left off. Abby leaned over and rested her head on your shoulder as you wrote. Usually you didn’t like having people watch you write, but with Abby it was different. You adored her and cherished her company. While she leaned on you, one of her hands rubbed circles onto your back absentmindedly.

“I hope you don’t mind me asking you to finish your paper in the morning,” she spoke up suddenly. “I just don’t want you to burn yourself out or stay up too late. I know how we both get when it’s finals, so I just don’t want either of us to make the same mistakes again, you know?”

“It’s okay, Abs. I don’t mind,” you reassured her. “To be honest, I kind of like it. It makes me feel cared for.”

“You’re very cared for,” she said, pecking your cheek. Finally, after about twenty more minutes of writing, you finally reached a stoppining point that wouldn’t be too hard to continue the following morning.

“Done!” you exclaimed. Abby smiled at you and shut your laptop for you.

“Good. Now do what you need to do. I’ll be waiting for you.”

“You better not fall asleep,” you warned. You pecked her lips as you rose from the table to go take your shower. The warm water was calming as it soothed your joints and cleansed your body. Once you finished your shower and nightly routine, you found Abby waiting in bed for you. She had the blanket covering her legs as she read one of her books quietly. You crawled into bed carefully beside her and curled up into her side.

“Ready for bed?” Abby asked. She closed her book and placed it on her nightstand.

“Yeah,” you answered. Without another word Abby turned her lamp off and pulled you into her.

“Good night,” she whispered into your neck.

“Good night,” you said back to her. It wasn’t long before the two of you dozed off.

+ + +

“Hey,” she whispered. “Wake up, sleepyhead.” You groaned as you wiped your eyes and they adjusted to the bright lights. She must have had the kitchen lights on and the blinds open like always since she was the morning person in the relationship. You could smell fresh coffee and feel Abby’s arms around your body. Her hand stroked your cheek as she whispered to you softly. “Come on. I’ve got your morning coffee ready. Just how you like.”

“For real?” you asked. Abby laughed at your response.

“Yes, now go wash up.” You groggily dragged yourself out of bed and to the bathroom to wash up, the cold water you splashed on your face waking you up. After you finished brushing your teeth, you wandered to the kitchen where Abby sat at the table waiting for you.

“What time is it?” you asked.

“Barely nine, so you have plenty of time to finish up your paper and edit,” she said. You came towards her and sat in her lap, wrapping your arms around her neck. Abby’s hands immediately found refuge around your waist as she rubbed them against the small of your back.

“You’re the best girlfriend ever,” you muttered into her shoulder.

“Well, thank you,” she said in response.

“Alright, I’m gonna finish my work,” you announced. You rose from Abby’s lap as she reluctantly pulled her hands away from your body. You pulled out your chair and grabbed the coffee mug Abby left out for you. It was exactly how you liked it, just as she said. After working for nearly an hour, you finally finished your paper and began editing it. That took close to another hour, and by then you were able to turn it in confidently. You let out a sigh of relief as you glanced at Abby beside you.

“All done?” she asked.

“All done,” you said happily. Abby leaned over and kissed your cheek.

“Happy to hear it. Wanna cuddle the rest of the day? I say we rest today since we have a couple more days till our next exams.”

“You don’t even have to ask,” you answered.

[violenceenthusiast]

WARNING: transphobia

sorry to intellectualize in your inbox and feel free to like... delete this if it's too heavy or not your thing! but i've been having a lot of ideas about transness in fandom (i'm trans myself btw jsyk where this is coming from) and the whole like... cas-giving-dean-a-male-body thing and today's Discourse wrt that ask lampgate received about "looking trans"

like basically butler says that there's this Thing we all create that's basically an idealized male/female body that doesn't exist. like by labeling bodies as normal/abnormal for whatever reason we create sex, we create normative bodies. we are constantly referencing a non-existent ideal male/female body. claiming that all cis women and all cis men have the same bodies is stupid because they don't. everyone has slightly different hormones and slightly different expressions and that's not even to speak of intersex people who complicate the idea of Normative Bodies even further.

so then oftentimes when i look at transness (more specifically transmasculininity) in fandom - and i mean this in literally the nicest way possible - this tends to get represented a certain way. mostly it's represented in drawings/fics as people who've either had top surgery and have scars underneath their pectorals or people who wear binders, and most of the time they have not had bottom surgery. and while it is important to stress that YES people who look like this do exist and it's good that they are being represented it in no way is the Only or even Most Common transmasculine body. there is no way to "look trans" because there is no kind of Idealized Trans Body in the way that there is an Idealized Cis Body that is referenced. but i worry that in fandom we are creating this sort of Idealized Transmasculine Body by constantly referencing the same type of body that i previously described, which transphobes then weaponize as characters "obviously not looking trans." bc ya know in order to make that statement there must first be a Body That Is Trans.

and then cas bringing dean back in a male body sort of crystallizes this because it both upholds the idea of there being A Trans Body as well as there being A Cis Body. if we theorize about there somehow being a switch between those then there must be some sort of larger concept that we are referencing. it's buying into the non-existent concept of idealized sex, of normative bodies.

(for the record i feel the same way when it comes to temporary gender/sex swap fics. also this doesn't come from a place of "this is bad and Should Never Happen Ever" but more... what are the subconscious philosophical consequences and implications of the decisions we make)

OH addendum to that last ask bc i realize i might've come off wrong: that is not to say that trans people creating content for themselves and others to enjoy are responsible for the existence of transphobia. again i'm trans myself and i LOVE all trans content and i would love to see more of it. i'm just saying that the issue is like... complicated and intertwined and we are unfortunately all still trapped within a system that most people accept as being Right even though we have definitive proof that it isn't

glad for that addendum because that was literally the first thing i was gonna say lol. you can’t pander to transphobes, they’ll always take issue no matter what you do so you might as well just do your thing, yk?

but yea i was a sociology major so this is absolutely my type of thing. basically i agree with you. but i think there is a societal Ideal Type of transness and it’s still very much the “binary trans person who wants to be and look cis and transitions all at once and then passes perfectly and never brings up transness again” which. barf, there’s not enough time to unpack all of that. but at the same time the Ideal Type of transness boils down to: there shouldn’t be one bc it shouldn’t exist. which again, barf. as far as inside the trans community... idk i feel like on average, non trans/med etc. trans ppl are very aware and appreciative of the diversity of transness and the beauty inherent in that? but maybe that’s just my experience. if anything, i feel more worried about intracommunity ideals of transness being warped by whiteness and thinness, if that makes sense. also i think again always good to remember that what any given person posts in fan space will pretty much never be indicative of the full scope of their thoughts and opinions on the subject. but yea also there are ppl where fan spaces are there only queer spaces for example and then what happens if you’re seeing this same image over and over again but it’s not your reflection at all.

i think really what it comes down to with the elements you’re pointing out is that they are just what’s familiar to us? like. 1) as a bunch of twenty-somethings, binders and top surgery, maybe T is about all that most of us have been able to do if anything (at least that’s my impression. OR that may be all we’re interested in, etc. there’s always variation in prefs of course), 2) top scars are just such insanely good visual shorthand, and 3) fanart/fic is always in some way aspirational so as someone who hasn’t gotten to get top yet, i for one like thinking about a dean who got to do that already :)

and yea again any fic/post/etc that has cas changing dean’s body without asking/being asked.... it’s a no from me. bad on the consent side, bad on the conceptions of bodies and gender delineations side, bad on the “right” and “wrong” bodies side, so many things abt it that make me :/. also like even if you have dean brought back in laz rising with a flat chest sans scars, and a whole new set of reproductive organs.... like that’s still a trans man’s body? both literally and rhetorically speaking that still wouldn’t be a Cis Body (assuming you could even define in any meaningful way what it means to have a Cis Body, given the amount of variation in bodies AND the fact that literally every single person is failing the normative bc it’s by nature shifting an unattainable)? but also again, i’m gonna insist that “male body” as synonym for “cis man’s body” sucks bigtime.

[do-what-the-knight-tells-you]

So I saw a post on here talking about how, when you take the shit Geralt says in the TV series at face value, it’s unbelievably hurtful and cruel towards Jaskier, just, downright mean, and callous, and designed to make Jaskier feel he’s wasted two decades of his life.

But I hate that, because it makes me sad, and on a rewatch, I found an alternate take.

So whether Geralt is neurodivergent in a way we recognize clinically (ASD perhaps? I won’t address that here, but I love Autistic!geralt headcanons), or whether he’s just built himself a particularly abrasive method of interaction over 100 years of shit, prejudice, and abuse, his really rough, rude abrasive words towards Jaskier are not genuine.

And I would expect/choose to believe, that if Jaskier has continued their companionship over two decades, he has not only recognized this about Geralt, but decided he’s more or less okay with it.

So I had the thought particularly during the djinn episode– saw it pointed out somewhere, how un-comforting Geralt is when the elf-healer tells Jaskier the Djinn-curse can kill him. Jaskier turns, desperate, scared, says “fuck, Geralt!” and Geralt sort of awkwardly pats him on the back and says “yeah, we’re not gonna let that happen” in a fairly begrudging way, as if suggesting that the whole situation isn’t that big a deal.

So what if that response has less to do with not caring, with being callous towards Jaskier’s life and fear, and more with either a genuine awkwardness and discomfort with the idea of comforting someone, he really doesn’t know what to say, he’s not used to being a comfort (most ppl are scared enough of him that even when he rescues them, they’d still prefer he left than comfort them in any way), and he’s probably received very little comfort in his life, doesn’t know how to do it, and is barely experienced with the idea of admitting one might want or need it.

And/or, we see the candid, unemotional way he reacts to the ghoul bite in ep7, to the knowledge that he’s seconds from death. So clearly the smooth, stoic, sarcastic, unaffected thing is his usual method of handling scary shit. He doesn’t even raise his voice unless it might help (i.e. out-yelling Yennefer to be heard over the djinn-hurricane, hoping that he can persuade he to give up the really terrible course of action she’s on that’s gonna kill her).

So the other part of it could totally be a case of him downplaying the danger, trying not to think, speak, allude to, mention the danger, possibly as his own coping mechanism (a lot easier to be “fearless” when you repress the shit out of whatever might scare you. if you never let yourself think about the possibility that things might go horribly wrong, then it’s a lot easier to conduct yourself as if nothing bad might happen).

So when he awkwardly pats Jask on the back, distractedly, begrudgingly, patronizingly says, “yeah, we wont let that happen.” It’s genuine awkwardness, and/or a coping mechanism to not let himself think about how bad it is (focus on the solution, not the problem, solve this one, and then the next, etc… he’d do a good job surviving alone on Mars, I think), and/or an attempt to keep Jask calm by not validating his panic, like how if you don’t make a big deal out of a kid’s scraped knee, sometimes then the kid doesn’t panic either and it’s fine.

And likely Jaskier has been his companion long enough to know some of that, maybe even to actually be comforted by Geralt’s lack of panic. Imagine how goddamn frightening it’d be if your super brave/tough/stoic friend actually looked scared.

(the line, when the elf dude starts talking about how in love with Yennefer Geralt must be, when Geralt says “you’re making me uncomfortable?” It’s definitely a funny line, but also it’s possibly genuine. Geralt genuinely expressing himself)

And then later in the episode, Jaskier delivers that line about “wait, is this the moment you decide to finally care about someone other than yourself?” We literally saw him drop everything, ride across the countryside (putting you on Roach, which he never does), seek help from several unknown sources, including this sketchy sorceress chick (and he admits to her and the audience that his concern over saving Jask’s life was such that he A: skipped the opportunity to seek help for his tortuous insomnia issue and B: was more than a bit willing to sell himself into indentured servitude/ something that looked a bit like prostitution)…

Like, fuck off, it’s clear he cares an awful lot about you Jask, and you have to know that. so are YOU being cruel back? or, are you playing along with what Geralt seems to be comfortable with, caring about you so long as neither of you look at that straight-on, or make him talk about it.

-

okay, so than the mountain-top divorce. like, Geralt’s p harsh through a lot of that episode, but there is a tiny bit of playfulness I think still in that dig about worthy travel companions. And if this is a method of talking to each other that they engage in regularly, that Jaskier willingly keeps subjecting himself to…

and then Jask comforts Geralt after the mountain crossing, and when he floats the bit about them traveling together again (maybe implying that these recent adventures are new-ish again, perhaps after a period of separation, perhaps Geralt is extra harsh… perhaps this is a normal-ish thing that Jask has noticed, that Geralt is always more brusque, more accidentally hurtful rather than just dry, right at the beginning or end of their travels together, a defense mechanism of sorts? protecting himself from the pain of separation he’s trying not to acknowledge even exists?) anyway, he floats the line, and I’m p sure Geralt nods.

Jaskier seems to know him pretty damn well.

So none of this makes what Geralt says not shitty, and not hurtful, but rather than let myself wallow in the idea that Jask is completely devastated, feels he’s wasted twenty years of his life on a person who is literally ready to throw him away…

Hopefully not. Hopefully he knows Geralt well enough not to… not to give him a pass, necessarily, Geralt def needs to learn from and atone for that really gross behavior… but enough to know that Geralt’s just very bad, unpracticed, and a bit oblivious when it comes to hurt feelings, to understand that Geralt’s just in a shitty toxic place, that it’s got nothing to do with Jask, that the best thing for all of them is for him to remove himself as a target and let Geralt sort his shit out in his own.

That Jask knows this is one of those times where he can trust his friend with his body, but not his feelings/heart.mind/energy, and he needs to take care of himself first.

So hurt, yeah, but not like devastated, knowing that Geralt didn’t mean his words, but did mean, in that moment, to hurt Jask genuinely and drive him off, not in the light-brusque-teasing way that they sometimes have between them. Knowing both that Geralt was reacting to Yennefer, to other hurts, not to Jask, but also knowing that Geralt was willing to put his own momentary vindictive satisfaction over Jaskier… and so knowing that is was time for them to part for a while, for his own sake. That pushing through at this time was gonna be more masochistic than beneficial or productive, so it was time to look after his own mental health.

Like, this is sort of a pattern I’ve seen in folks in the real world. There’s someone close to me who struggles with some nasty bipolar shit (he’s not found a good med combo for him yet, and even when he’s in a more healthy place, lots of his tools and learned behaviors are mostly crappy still from years of this barely coping while undiagnosed), and sometimes he’s cruel as hell, usually when he hates himself the most, and is lashing out partly in an attempt to get you to say nasty shit back, and justify both his resentment of you, and his belief that he is a worthless shitty person.

And when he’s in those periods, it behooves many of us to just… walk away. like, if you can be/are willing/able to be the person that supports someone through that kind of shit, that’s totes your call to make, and might be a really awesome thing for that person (and that’s where professional help and support can also be awesome! Ppl who have trained to be able to hear the bad shit without taking it personally, and to still be able to guide you to better tools afterwards!)

But sometimes, you also have to take your own health and energy and stuff into account and go “I know this person is being a cruel asshole because they are sick and/or hurting… but also I do not need to swallow the shit just cuz there’s an explanation. so imma peace out until they get their shit together a little more, and are gonna be less toxic/hurtful to me, stop taking it out on people. I can help them, maybe, but their mental health is NOT my sole responsibility, and I do a disservice to both of us if I decide it is, and abdicate personal responsibly for my OWN health in the process.” Put on your own mask first, and all that.

(I’ve seen this in alcoholics I know, as well, and the other side of that is letting them know “hey, I know you feel like you have no control, but one area where you do have some, is how you treat people. and if you’re acting like an asshole, then ppl won’t want to be treated that way. They aren’t leaving because You suck, they are leaving because Your Behavior sucks, and if you want to be around them in future, you should maybe work on your behavior. You are not inherently a Mean Person, but the things you do and say to people are Mean, and they don’t need to sit there and let themselves be abused” Like, it is possible to be ill, and make mistakes!, without being consistently cruel to folk.)

So, magical shenanigans and hissy-fits not a perfect analogy for BD, but it resonated a bit, so I figured I’d share

[asiryn]

this post is going to be very rambly, so i apologize in advance. if you’re potentially interested in my liveblogs, and/or interested in hearing a bit about my current life and disability issues, tune in. if you aren’t, then....keep scrolling i guess XD

(if you just want the current liveblog schedule, scroll to the bottom)

[and this got predictably very long, so i’m gonna put it behind a cut for convenience] 

up to recently, my main liveblogs have been about the pokemon anime, with a few other shows, books, and especially video games sprinkled in here and there. essentially, waaaay back in yonder year of 2014, netflix added the first season of pokemon, the indigo league, to their site, and i, in a fit of nostalgia, made the veeery questionable decision to watch all of the pokemon anime---rewatching the stuff i hadn’t touched since i was kid, and then continuing on into the unknown, and watching all the seasons from gen 3 onward that i had missed due to dropping out of pokemon. i only really started actually making liveblog posts once i hit gen 3, then i stayed consistent-ish from then onward. (for the curious, i’m up to sun & moon, and i have 44 episodes left until i finish it (i’m not ready ;;;; ), and then netflix actually just dropped the first 12 episodes of the newest series, pokemon journeys, so....56 until i’ve caught up with the dub XD)

so, all of y’all who climbed aboard with those liveblogs are probably already aware of Who I Am, at least a little. (....this is making it sound like i’m Some Big Name in liveblogging, but i’m not really anything of the sort, just so we’re all on the same page XD) at least, in terms of the fact that i’m physically disabled, suffer from chronic pain, etc. but recently, i’ve joined two new fandoms, and i’ve begun liveblogging spop and my next life as a villainess. and my spop posts in particular are already becoming some of the most popular posts i’ve ever done (like wow, you guys). and i think part of that popularity is due to the fact that these are two pretty recent, pretty popular fandoms (tho i do also like to think that i do make good content XP). but the point is that quite a lot of new ppl are coming across me, and idk how much, if any, of you have taken the time to look at my bio or anything. so i guess....part of this post is just some ruminations, but also my way of letting you know more of what you’re getting into. 

so, for those who don’t know: hi, you can call me kiryn, i liveblog stuff sometimes, and i’m physically disabled. i suffer from intense, constant, chronic pain. it stems from a bone disease called HME, or hereditary multiple exostosis, if you’re curious (i have a severe case of it, joy of joys). the short version of what that means is that i have a lot of bone spurs everywhere on my body, and they....cause me a lot of pain. basically, i cannot do any kind of sustained activity without the already significant, never-ceasing pain that i feel cranking up to unbearable levels, and basically i’ll be rendered immobile. i do have pain meds that i take, and that very much help to take the edge off, and make it so that i can function at all (bc, believe fucking me, w/o them, i wouldn’t be able to achieve even the little i can do), but even with them, it only makes a dent in my pain levels, and again, sustained activity makes up that difference very quickly. 

now, the gist of this stuff i’ll mention from time to time, but....i don’t usually go into much detail about it (and this post is probably the most detailed i’ve been about my condition in years). bc, quite frankly, it’s depressing. (and seeing as i also already have clinical depression, that’s definitely not something that i need more of XD) i participate in fandoms for escapism, and bc i don’t really want to think about that crushing mountain of reality. i’ve had this condition since birth, and i’ve literally lived my entire life in constant pain, and i honestly have no fucking idea what it even feels like to be painless. and what’s even worse is that it’s a degenerative disease---essentially, the bone spurs are wearing down my joints, so....my entire condition will just keep worsening as i get older. (and no, surgery to remove the spurs isn’t really an option.) i’ll be 29 next month, and i can already tell you, i’ve been feeling that decline sharply. when i was a kid, i could still run. by the time i was a teenager, i couldn’t even do that anymore; the best i could manage was a jog. now....i don’t think i could even do that. 

i guess the main point in why i’m saying all this, is that for the last year especially, i’ve been dealing with the worst downward swing that i’ve had in years. in my late teens and early-mid 20s, i got into a pretty good rhythm, of knowing my body’s limits, how to budget spoons to accomplish things, etc. but now even that fragile equilibrium has been thrown out the window, and i’m currently struggling to learn the new limits and rhythm of this downward swing that is unfortunately now my reality. even before, i was pretty limited on what i could accomplish, but even that narrow window has shrunk even further. so basically, i’m in the testing zone still. and it’s a very slow process, bc once i exceed the limit, my body breaks down, and now it takes me even longer to recover. as an example, i used to know that i could wake up in the morning and get ready to leave the house in 20-30 mins. now? i need at least an hour, which involves me pushing through a wave of agony to be able to take my pain meds in the first place, and then wait for those meds to kick in and the pain to die down enough to move without feeling like i’m moving through a wall of spikes. (and that’s just the start of every day for me, and before even throwing in all of the other variables)

so, coming back to the liveblogs......obviously, that’s affected by all this too. if you’ve wondered why there’s been a gap between me finishing up spop s1 and starting s2....that’s why. partly, i didn’t expect how analysis-heavy i was going to get on spop; pokeani just doesn’t tend to be as consistently thematically deep, so those liveblogs took far less out of me than spop has, and pushing myself to finish 5 episodes in one day....well, it was too much. and the thing is, it’s obviously unhealthy for me to continually push myself to the point of total breakdown, so...that’s where learning my new limits comes in. so, these past few days, i’ve been thinking, and essentially trying to better figure out how to do liveblogs like this without pretty much killing myself in the process (bc i honestly do love making them....i mean, if i didn’t, then it really wouldn’t be worth the literal pain it takes to make them XD). and also there’s a component of managing my anxiety-brain, bc leaving things Unfinished stresses me out, and so when coming to terms with the fact that it’s going to take me awhile to finish one show....knowing that i’d be leaving others hanging....Doesn’t Help XD

so, here’s what i’ve got so far (and obvs, this is subject to much tweaking in the future XP)

currently, i’m watching 4 shows: pokeani, good omens, villainess, and spop. villainess rn is the least of my worries, bc 1 ep is coming out a week, so it’s not demanding a lot of my time. 

for the other 3, here’s the preliminary schedule i’ve sort of hashed out:

- pokeani sm103-106

- spop s2

- pokeani sm107-110

- spop s3 

- pokeani sm111-114

- spop s4

- pokeani sm115-118

- spop s5 

- pokeani sm119-122

- good omens

- pokeani sm123-126

- [catch up block] (i don’t have a good track record in keeping up with ongoing shows, so if i fall behind on villainess, this is where i can catch up)

- finish pokeani sun & moon [sm127-146] (the league starts on ep 128, so i’d rather not experience any big interruptions in the battles XD)

basically, i’ve given myself a limit of 4 pokeani eps in a single session (bc as stated, they don’t take as much out of me), and with spop, the most i’ll let myself watch in a row will be 3 eps (s2 will probably be broken up into a 3/2/2 block, s3 a 3/3 block, and s4&5 will be a 3/3/3/2/2 block).

now, keep in mind that i’m very deliberately making no guarantees about specific days, bc who even knows, but at the very least, scheduling and talking it all out like this will help me to better manage my spoons, and if you’ve actually read this far, then you’ll know the method in the madness and why i’m doing things this way. XD the vague goal is to get in a least 1 liveblog session a week (plus a bonus of the new villainess ep on saturdays)---at least for the shows. i’m still having to working out what i’m going to do about video games....maybe i should just go on a ‘once a week’ model for all my hobbies across the board XDD

in the next couple of days, i’ll be posting that in-depth look into all the ships of villainess (it started as me just pecking down a few thoughts while i was taking a social media break due to the Current Events, but now i’m at the point where i’m like, i’ve put too much effort into this to not post it, damn it XP), and then depending on spoons, i’ll try to start in on that schedule this week, so stay tuned for some pokeani! (again....i’ll try to hit at least 1 liveblog a week before i start trying to get more ambitious XDD)

in any case, if you have stuck through to the end, thank you very much. your support means a lot to me 💖

[purplepints]

I've seen several articles repeating a very important piece of info about numbers and perception of danger or infection due to the release by different countries and groups.

Since it's been recognized, South Korea has been testing people regardless of symptoms. Italy has been testing people with symptoms and the US has hardly been testing at all.

So when you hear any of the "There are X,000 confirmed cases and X deaths"-type announcements, realize that in many places around the world these are NOT the actual numbers. It is the number of people who have been tested & diagnosed positive (lab confirmed COVID-19) and not the actual number of people who have it. Not even close. They're likely not double or triple those numbers, either. It's probably at least quadruple at a bare minimum, with numbers skyrocketing in larger cities.

Just like so many other illnesses, people catch something and that illness starts to set up shop. It takes a bit of time for it to trigger our protections or otherwise draw attention to something being wrong. Before people are even feeling sick, they are already contagious and remain so until the viral load is too low to be a viable danger, which is normally after your symptoms are almost gone. This means you could be contagious for several weeks. This isn't odd, it's just how viruses work and you've likely had this same chain of events occur in your own body when you've caught something. We've all been ticking bombs, we just haven't carried this dangerous of a payload inside our cells before. That hang time where you feel fine but are spreading the disease is the scariest thing about contagious diseases of this type, and is why seclusion and quarantine measures are absolutely vital to halt the spread.

No one is immune to Covid-19.

There is no vaccine or preventative measure.

There is no anti-viral available for it.

It is devastating and it is deadly.

Until broad-scale testing is done and tests are being processed quickly, the number of people with COVID-19 can be estimated but not confirmed. I'm not saying this to make you fly into a panic, I'm saying it because we as humans tend to hear numbers first and think about what they actually respresent second, if at all. We have lagged behind in testing and the tests we did have were faulty, we dragged our heels on allowing additional qualified labs to assist with processing tests, and the information coming from our government covers the entire spectrum : accurate, inaccurate, partial, panicked, apathetic, dismissive, confusing, conflicting....it's not reassuring and it is glaringly obvious we are woefully unprepared. Our country is literally shutting down because we don't have other options.

In the US, our situation is, to put it mildly, a clusterfuck.

How so? Through a combination of things, some of which are:

- We are not testing anywhere as broadly as we should be.

- People are not being informed about the seriousness of COVID-19 (think it is same as flu, that young people can't catch it, that flu shots protect etc) and don't understand the difference between viruses and other types of infections.

- People do not understand how long it takes to identify new viruses, why some strains are different, why similar symptoms do not mean similar diseases, how fast viruses can mutate it adapt of how quickly that can be identified.

- People here don't always understand why different departments or sub-offices in departments can be absolutely vital to their lives, and so often don't notice or care when budgets are slashed, research is stopped, responsibilities shoved onto other already burdened departments, whatever. Not knowing how government works is a sad hallmark of American life and this is going to show us how bad this apathy really is.

- People see the number of departments & offices as bloated government spending, so rarely speak up when any are shut down or downsized.

- Large numbers of people in the USA ignore science, decades of information & factual conclusions and warnings of impact even if it can or does affect them personally.

- Large numbers of people in the US were unaware until very recently that the CDC was decimated by Trump specifically. The EPIDEMIC response division was completely eliminated.

- People in the USA in the whole don't understand how various agencies in the government work together or share information on collaborative projects, so when parts of the USDA were forced from Washington DC to Kansas City, it went unremarked upon and the hundreds of positions remaining unfilled in that department alone are a huge concern. Add in the short-staffing of other agencies and this mean that we may not be able to determine how current events can impact food security, transportation, storage or identify economic issues that farmers may face that relate to COVID-19.

- People are not following suggestions of self quarantine or avoidance, instead since they're off work/school /etc heading to places where hundreds+ mingle or to restaurants & bars where 5-10ft distance between people isn't really possible (not to mention the lack of handwashing, shared faucets, knobs, exits/entrance, soiled glasses & silverware, recycled air blah blah) and when all those places are shut down, we all know there will likely be groups who decide to throw parties or pop-up gatherings because they're bored or whatever, and the first time one of those gets busted by cops or National Guard in masks/gear there's going to be a wild few days.

- Different officials in different states have given different direction regarding actions toward COVID-19, with some pleading for everyone to stay home, period, while others were saying going out should be encouraged because....? Conflicting information creates chaos.

- Not grasping that the reason these precautions are implemented is to slow or halt spread of disease and to limit exposure to people who are at higher risk of dying and to help medical efforts (more sick Med personnel = less ability to treat the sick), because the frequently repeated soundbites & headlines are variants on "old and sick people are at risk, everyone else will be fine". The longer it continues to spread among people means the more difficult it will be to stop long term and the more opportunity for it to mutate. Even if you recover just fine, if you were out spreading it, it is still active in the area, which means people who disregard precautions could catch it multiple times which lowers recovery chances, because young *and healthy* is the phrase, and if you just had COVID-19 for two weeks and fought it off, your immune system is tired and your body needs time to recover. Catching it within a few weeks of surviving it? You won't like those odds.

- In the US much of our culture, belief and ideals of value or worth are tied directly to our place in the work force. This is a line we have swallowed hook and sinker, to the point where it is commonly thought that workers in lower paying jobs or work that doesn't require a college degree are less of a person and less valuable that someone making more money. Now a gigantic amount of those employees are without jobs, and they will continue to be the first ones cut from payrolls, fired and unable to find new jobs because those jobs don't currently exist. Young or not, they can all be added to vulnerable groups because they don't have Healthcare, they don't have months of savings to buy food or pay bills, they may not qualify for unemployment or other assistance.

- We are not stressing that all diseases that spread in similar fashion are still active just like always, so it isn't just about COVID-19. People who catch diseases like regular a/b flu strains, streph throat, bronchitis, etc need doctors too, and those conditions being active mean more groups are put at risk if they catch a 'regular' illness which allows COVID-19 easier access, regardless of age. You can have more than one disease at a time!!

That's just the tip of the yikesberg, y'all.

To reiterate, anyone saying "well we only have like X,000 cases in the US" is wrong. We only have X,000 tested and officially confirmed cases, and we have not increased testing or taken efficient measures of seclusion or quarantine nor provided clear, direct information regarding what is happening. States are also putting out info conflicting with the Feds and other States, too and we are not moving fast enough to get the information we need to effectively head off the spread, contain areas and educate the population.

Again, when they do the math on these, diseases are given a specified number, an R0 sometimes heard or read as 'R-naught' (which can change, getting bigger or smaller depending) that is an estimated number of how many people a single person can infect others in an unprotected group. (ie, how many ppl can catch measles for a single patient in a world without vaccinations, which fun fact the measles R0 is 16+ depending on strain) and COVID-19 has been sitting around 2.3, which is higher than the Spanish Influenza of 1918 and over double the number of a standard modern flu strain. Going by this, it isn't really odd that lots of places are using visual representations of the old "would you rather have a million dollars or be given a penny on day 1 that doubles each day for thirty days?" thing, because 2 people infect 2 more each, then those 4 infect 2 each, and so on.

This is why quarantine and seclusion ate used against diseases we have no treatment for: It's the only way to stop it from continuing to spread. Last week, doctors in Seattle (on of the cities hit hardest at the start) were estimating over 1,100 cases in the city alone. Without being able to test and confirm, they had no hard numbers. This means a single city in a single county in a single state, likely had as many or more COVID-19 cases than what was reported as a national number for all 50 states off Federal numbers.

It also doesn't help that like many viruses, the asymptomatic incubation period of COVID-19 means that people who are contagious and spreading the virus are doing so for longer periods of time. On the far side, symptoms show at 10-14 days. Most patients will be contagious while not feeling noticible symptoms for 24-72hrs, thereby potentially exposing everyone around them during that time. This includes virus left on handrails, doorknobs, elevator buttons, ATMs, physical money, grocery items, you name it. If you aren't following basic hygienic protocol & precautions (washing hands thoroughly with soap for 20 seconds minimum frequently throughout the day, especially after using bathroom/touching public door handles, using handholds on public transport, after unbagging groceries, after exchanging money/using card machines, basically touching anything other people frequently touch), then first, somebody should talk to you about the bare minimums of hygiene expected in non-Pandemic times and two, whup your ass into a slightly more sympathetic and less germ-covered way of life.

SOAP & WATER / ALCOHOL

1) Use actual soap and water to wash your hands thoroughly for at least 20 seconds every time you use the restroom (FOR ANY REASON, EVEN IF CHECKING MAKEUP OR HAIR OR OTHER NON-TOILET USE), before you eat, after you eat, after using any sort of shared touchable object or being in close quarters to it, and if you're unsure if you should wash your hands GO WASH YOUR HANDS.

2) Hand sanitizer is NOT more effective than soap and water. PERIOD. They are also used in the same ineffective way so many people use soap and water: too small an amount, too short of a time and too lazy in coverage. Sanitizer should be applied in a dollop large enough to scrub both hands using motions and medium force as if washing with soap & water (front, back, between fingers, over nails & fingertips, both thumbs, webbing, the FULL HAND) for at least 20-30secs which is how long it should take for the sanitizer to evaporate. Amount used doesn't cover both hands fully? Use more. Hands dry after 8 second if scrubbing after putting dollop in palm? Not enough sanitizer used, add more and try again. Alcohol also may kill the virus, but it does not clean your hands and should never be used as a single or primary measure to avoid infection. Keep a bit on hand for those times when soap & water aren't readily available, use it correctly (dollop large enough to wet all surfaces of both hands, rub hands while being attentive to cover every part, hands should feel wet from the gel for 30+ seconds before they start to dry, because you are substituting the alcohol for water and essentially washing your hands with it!!

"Alcohol free" hand sanitizers are basically useless against most viruses and bacteria, including COVID-19. Hand sanitizers must be at least 60% alcohol to be effective, and many homemade concoctions suggest Vodka in their recipes, which is about worthless due to it being 40%. Others recommend 91-99% Isopropyl Alcohol aka 'rubbing alcohol' which can be even worse if the batch is made incorrectly, because it is easily absorbed by human skin and can cause damages leaving you more vulnerable to infections.

The same reason that alcohol works to kill viruses and bacteria is why it's able to damage human skin. It breaks down lipids (fats) and proteins. So called 'enveloped viruses' (COVID-19 in one) have a thin lipid membrane that they live inside and use to find and latch on to host cells. If that membrane is damaged, the virus has no way of feeling for nor attaching to possible host cells, so it dies.

Alcohol solvents being as successful as they are at breaking down lipids, you can imagine how it could hurt our lipids and protein heavy bodies. Using 90%+ isopropyl alcohol in a DIY could leave you with dry, damaged skin as well as cracks and fissures around your nailbeds. That damage is dangerous because your wet tissues and capillaries are now unprotected and vulnerable to viral attack. These types of alcohol can also be fussy with their high evaporative rates as well as interactions with other possible ingredients suggested by DIYers on line could cause many issues. Even compounding pharmacists and chemists are saying what a pain it is to make correctly! Not all Aloe Vera gels are pure aloe. Not all brands or types of gel or alcohol will work with such general, simplified recipes. Essential oils being added is a whole other thing that adds issues, because while a few can be used internally or in wounds with precautions, too many on the market today fail to clearly disclose their processes or full ingredients, are not meant for internal use (open wounds = internal) and like many supplements they are not regulated by the FDA so not tested or held to standard.

3) If you cough or sneeze, do so into a disposable tissue or napkin. DO IT EVERY TIME, not just with deep or phlegmy/productive ones. If air is being expelled forcefully from your throat, lungs or sinuses, have a clean tissue at the ready. After coughing/sneezing, dispose of the tissue in a trash can with a bag liner so the bag can be tied off before disposal which can help mitigate risk to people cleaning or collecting garbage. If you do not have a tissue/napkin, whatever, turn your head and nestle your exploding face hole(s) snugly into the inside bend of your elbow so any emissions are caught by the fabric. Using the same side if it happens repeatedly so you can keep that fabric close to you and avoid touching others with that area, rather than worrying about both arms. No sleeves? Pull up the collar if your shirt, tuck your face down a bit and hold the collar firm over the bridge of your nose and cheeks (similar to how your hands are when using a tissue) so anything coming out of your face is expelled between the shirt fabric and your body/inner layers. ** IF YOU USE THE ELBOW OR SHIRT TECHNIQUE DO NOT FORGET TO WASH YOUR FACE, NECK AND CHEST THOROUGHLY AS SOON AS POSSIBLE, just as you would your hands (20 sec+, soap & water).

[[Related tip: Carrying a ziploc-type bag with you allows you to tuck dirty tissues away while not smearing whatever all over your pockets or bag interiors, too. Those mini Doggie poop bag things that fit on Keychains or bags are another thing to keep with you, for your own tissues or wipes used to clean handles, or even as a 'glove' in a pinch and since they come in bundles you can share with others who need them.]]

So no matter how you slice it, people who have it are out in public spreading it for a day or two minimum. Young, healthy people who don't feel sick and aren't worried because they're likely to survive it are less concerned with the situation even while they are possibly infecting vulnerable groups. Again, the reason for the social distancing and quarantines is to stop the spread and lower risk for people who can and will die. The fewer people it can infect, the fewer can pass it on. The less interaction we have, the lesser the chance we catch and/or spread it. Right now, we here in the US still don't have but half an idea of an area that MAY have cases, because our government are a bunch of greedy fearmongering idiots who care about money more than people and about being right more than being aware.

So let me ask a question to the thousands of people are still going out at night, eating at restaurants, clubbing, calling ridesharing, resisting seclusion/quaratine and generally being completely selfish uncaring assholes: Should I save a seat in in the front row at my immunosuppressed sibs funeral or would you like your name engraved on a memorial bench slat for my diabetic, post-polio syndrome suffering Mum? I suppose at least that would have symmetry with her, as Americans starved her and didn't care if she lived or died as a child (being Indonesian/Javanese = an evil Jap to Americans then) so young Americans ignoring truths and not giving a shit about their actions potential killing her is pretty fucking disappointingly on brand. She could honestly, truly die with her first and last memories of Americans being blatantly uncaring of her life, mocking her fear, denying her help, and watching her family crying around her. Thanks for that, fellow Americans. (Oh, and if you did read the question, I mention a memorial bench because she's donating her body to science to help other people. Even in her death she gives more of a fuck about other people who are sick and need help than the majority of you assholes.)

Maybe that's too much, so lemme take it back a notch and use something less personal and less technical:

How about we say it's like a drunk driver in an armored HumVee speeding through a parade of golf carts.

The person in the HumVee thinks they're fine and puts a bunch of faith in their strong, durable vehicle and ability to control it, so aren't concerned about whatever obstacles arise. The golf carts, meanwhile, are also vehicles with engines and some manueravbility but minimum protection, and the people inside are basically out in the open.

The HumVee hits the carts and they are destroyed, the passengers hurt or killed, and the drunk dude in the HumVee is fine to trundle on to the next situation.

Healthy/young/wilfully ignorant people are currently behaving like that HumVee dude.

(and obviously I am not including people forced to work in order to not end up homeless as HumVee drivers here, this is pointed at people who are blowing off the situation, ignoring facts and being selfish)

—— Here's some info on what happened during the SARS pandemic, which COVID-19 is related to virally and the contagion spread similar, for anyone who is unfamiliar :

The SARS index patient in Hong Kong was a doctor who had treated SARS patients prior to heading to a family event. He did not think he had SARS, because even tho he had some symptoms, a chest x-ray he had done on himself was clear, so he traveled. He ended up infecting several people at the hotel he stayed at overnight, and more when he checked into the Hong Kong hospital. When he checked into the local hospital, more people were infected, including an American who was in a room on the same floor at the hospital. That American ended up feeling sick after leaving, so checked into a hospital in Hanoi. They shortly called in an infectious disease specialist (a WHO doctor in Bangkok) to the Hanoi hospital. He identified that this disease was an unknown new respitory virus, saw that several staff were already showing symptoms and made the call to warn the global community, giving the disease the tentative name of SARS. The WHO specialist, Dr. Urbani, he was a young, healthy Italian doctor, but he still died a month later.

The index patient (a respiratory specialist MD, in his 60s) in Hong Kong died, as did the American (a businessman, 48) who caught it from him, as did the WHO doctor (specialist, 46) who treated the American and others at the Hanoi hospital.

Dr. Liu, the one who traveled, was a super-spreader who is linked to the vast majority of Hong Kong SARS, between 75-92%.

The people who were infected at the hotel went on to travel and spread it to Canada (major hospital outbreak from 1 hotel guest), Taiwan, Singapore and Thailand.

This is the perfect example of why having people who may have COVID-19 enter hospitals is a BAD Idea and why having drive-through testing for it, like what was done in S. Korea, is a good idea.

Dr. Liu didn't just infect a handful of people at the hotel, he infected dozens of already sick, compromised people in a hospital, and also infected staff who died.

The Canadian woman from the hotel infected an assumed 100 people at the hospital she entered when arriving home.

This is why the self-quaratine and suggestions need to be taken seriously. Populations who are vulnerable and basically isolated from society because they are in hospitals or rest homes caught it because it was brought to them by a variety of sick people of different ages, health and severity. Sick young people went to hospitals and older people died. This is why everyone is being directed to call hotline before arriving at hospitals full of sick, vulnerable people.

I hope this helps develop a picture of why these quarantine and preventative measures should be taken seriously, and help you understand this example: Bob, a reasonably healthy guy in his 20s, develops a bit of a cough but blows it off as whatever, then goes out with his friends and gets on a train that several nurses who're going to work are on, he could infect them and they could go into work unknowingly carrying a death sentence for someone recovering from an organ transplant or a kid with a compromised immune system waiting for chemo.

Some of the groups that are on the fringes of society and rarely interact with larger groups are still at risk from secondary transmissions from the employees/staff/medical people that assist them. In high population areas or densely populated cities, even things like an apartment building shared laundry or residents-only gyms, common rooms, etc. are all possibly zones of contagion. Wash your goddamn hands, don't touch all the things around you like a child, and if your city has announced positive cases of COVID-19 please acknowledge that even if you have zero symptoms you could still be infected & contagious and take the necessary precautions along with abiding by the requests to not gather or whatever.

If you are young and healthy and get COVID-19, you may recover. The three people who caught it from you may recover. The five people they passed it to may not.

If you still have a job and are financially ok, consider taking the money you normally spend on your weekly bar visit with friends or Tuesday bingo or whatever the fuck and see if there are any groups or whatnot gathering up money/goods for restaurant, service and other workers who no longer have jobs rather than foolishly throwing middle fingers in the air while bitching about how inconvenient everything is because some old pepple may die or some sick or otherwise useless humans suffering or dying isn't something that makes it OK for your life to be messed with. You probably don't read the pleas from doctors around the globe, or the widows of healthy 30 year olds, or Type 1 diabetics being hit hard, or that this is 20X more deadly than any influenza, mild cases can still honeycomb your lungs and the US still hasn't started the testing we need to determine where it is, how fast it is moving, rates and types of transmission, severity, you name it, and the weakens the global effort because we can't provide other countries with information that could help save them from the fate China, Italy and now the USA will go through.

Want to save the world? Grow the fuck up and take yourself out of the possible patient pool, eat a snack, drink some water, take your meds, put on fresh underpants and breathe. Then get used to this new state of suckage, muster up some energy to vote and then maybe take another nap to recover a bit, because I can tell you none of this shit is ending tomorrow except my sliver of willingness to hold my tongue.

Buckle it up, assholes, those HumVees are coming, so let's work together to take them down like Betty White and Mark Hamill are in those carts and you're all that stands between them and certain death. Because....

Here's the worst of it all, youths : you actually are what stands between them and disaster, this is your reality now, so either educate, protect and defend each other because courage and compassion are worth it, or choose to be callous and cruel to each other until those traits kill you, too. If you're lucky, maybe that cruelty will kill you faster than all these fucking Boomers. If I'm lucky, it'll kill me before I have to be sandwiched between two groups who both will do The Most to win because fuck compromise or moderation or change or discovery and fuck science and tradition and casseroles and Boba tea and lord if if I have to go through four more fucking decades of it I'll burn it down my damn self.

This is it, buckaroos. It's the end of the world as we caused it, and I AM SO FUCKING FAR FROM FINE.

[bigskydreaming]

Hi! Ive seen u r taking adhd meds. I wanted to ask what kind of effect do they have on u? I thought about asking my therapist if i could get some meds (even tho i dont think there r meds for adhd in my country) or to ask if i can have them sent to me from germany but im scared of the effect they would have on me. Ive read stuff and ppl r like its just mild meth lmao so idk

I’d always be careful about checking who is saying things like that before taking them at face value, because in my experience, people who view them as being basically just mild meth are people who aren’t prescribed it because they don’t need it, or who are exceeding their prescribed dosages, etc. 

Like yeah, ADHD meds are pretty much all stimulants, and so they all carry the potential to make people react in the ways they do to meth and make you agitated, paranoid, up without needing or wanting to sleep, etc....but like....that’s what stimulants do. They stimulate. But the reason a stimulant works as an ADHD medication is that some of us NEED external stimulation to various parts of our brain to jumpstart us or keep our brains producing various chemicals. 

But because of that I can’t recommend anything for you other than to work with a licensed psychiatrist to find out if there’s a medication that might be helpful to you....and just as importantly, to figure out the right dosage, and to monitor you and your progress as you try various dosages while looking for the right one.

For me, my meds basically do what I said in that other post.....they stimulate the parts of my brain that manufacture the chemicals that allow me to focus and stay on track....because without my meds, those chemicals just aren’t being made and thus I’m all over the place, 24/7.

Of course, its equally important to note that in my case, I have a lot more going on aside from just ADHD, and so my meds have to work in combination with other meds so that the meds for one condition don’t exacerbate my other conditions. I also have clinical depression, PTSD and C-PTSD, anxiety stuff and minor OCD tendencies....so I take medication for those things too, and its really important in my case to keep things in balance. I have a super fast metabolism, so a lot of medications wear off really quickly....but there’s only so high I can go dosage wise on various meds like my ADHD stimulants, or so often I can take them, because if I take too much or take them too often, I’ll just end up intensifying my anxiety and hyper-vigilance and other stuff past the point of what my meds for those things can handle and regulate. 

Things like nutrition and exercise can be really helpful and effective with a lot of this stuff too, and in my case, often more helpful than meds themselves - like, I used to be pretty consistent about exercising and being in the gym, and it wasn’t actually because I was ever trying to lose weight or gain muscle per se, its just....daily exercise did a lot to regulate my brain chemistry and various other mental health related stuff, so it didn’t MATTER as much that my metabolism also reduced my medication’s effectiveness. Course, downside there is when I physically couldn’t exercise cuz of medical/health stuff for the past couple years, I’m all out of whack and there’s only so much medication can do about that, since I used to do all that stuff to fill in the gaps where my medication wasn’t as effective. You have nooooo idea how much I can’t wait to get back to going to the gym once my medical stuff and surgery is all finally done and behind me, lol. I will feel so much better and more in balance.

But yeah - point is, your brain is a very finely tuned instrument, and its unique to every individual, so there’s only so much advice any one can give you on this stuff beyond just.....look into whatever mental health practitioners and options you can find around you, or look up licensed ones you can ask online for advice, and just work with them to find what works best for you. There’s no one size fits all with any of this stuff. Like, there’s a medication called Paxcil that’s hugely helpful in treating a lot of peoples’ anxiety and depression issues, and when my doctor tried switching me to it, I had literal nightly panic attacks for a week and had to be switched to something else really quick, because for whatever reason that particular med just does not work for me and just makes things worse. 

*Shrugs* There’s so much we still don’t understand about the brain and how it works, BUT the flip side of that is there is a lot we can to do moderate and regulate it at this point. Its always a delicate process though, and one that should be undertaken carefully and with supervision. I don’t want to scare you away from looking into various medications, just stress that they absolutely can be hugely beneficial.....but just taking someone else’s word for it and what it did for THEM says absolutely nothing about what it might do for YOU, and so I will always caution people to not go with the internet’s verdict on any of this stuff....find an actual psychiatrist and go about this process the way they recommend for you specifically.

[comradefleur]

okay yall so these r things ive been doin lately to help with the upkeep of my 🦋MENTAL HEALTH🦋

DISCLAIMER:

before i start i just want to say that i KNOW that these things are not a cure by any means. my clinical depression and generalized anxiety disorder are not *eradicated* by doing these things but they DO help me & i want to share just in case they can help u!💜

#1. SLEEPING! i noticed that lack of sleep puts a downer on my day & i feel less capable when i wake up like that. most of it is not my fault bc when im v depressed i have severe insomnia HOWEVER i take responsibility for some of it bc i be up aimlessly scrolling just like YOU. so PLEASE put down the phone and stop scrolling!!! If you NEED to see something, bookmark it and come back tomorrow. everything will still be there. value yourself first. you won't regret it.💘

#2. TAKING MY MEDS! this goes hand in hand with #1 for me bc i was horrible at taking my melatonin. NOTE WELL: ik that melatonin is not really a med bc we already have it naturally in our bodies but anyway. i lump it in with my anti depressants bc it is so crucial for meif you're very forgetful like me, PLEASE set alarms and reminders on your phone so that you can remember to take em! give your mind any advantages it can have to POSSIBLY feel better!💘

#3. EATING! Girl don't drag me, ik just how hard it is to eat when you're depressed cause I've lost PLENTY of weight bc of that. but just eating a little something, and maybe drinking some tea to get something warm inside u is a GREAT start and MUCH better than nothingIf you really have problems with this I would suggest you go out and buy some sort of iron based/vitamin based appetite stimulant from the store. They work well for me. so take those, and eat small things. If you forget to eat, which is common, set alarms for this too!💘

#4. VULNERABILITY! oh i know yall scared of this one but she is HELLA important. if you have anyone at all around u that u trust+love PLEASE do yourself the absolute favour of opening up instead of bottling everything away. It is so RELIEVING and HEALTHY and you WILL notice adifference once u are received well. Make sure to articulate whether you would like a listening ear, comfort, advice etc & reap the benefits! Community is SOO important for individuals who are struggling. Ur loved ones should WANT to help u in this way, & if they do, accept it.💘

#5. BOUNDARIES! You don't have to make yourself constantly available! It's okay to give ur friends a lil heads-up and duck out to take care of YOU! however long you need, go head. and employ the other tips i am giving all the while. boundaries apply to social media use/general phone usage as well to me. turn off app notifications if they bother you. don't let things sit around and just poke at you subconsciously, get rid of em! if certain apps feel better, that's okay! if you want to uninstall some, do dat!basically, use YOUR phone and connect to ppl how YOU see fit. it makes a BIGGGGGGGGGGGGG difference i promise.💘

#6. REFLECTION! now you can't just do all these things and expect your trauma to be healed. this is probably one of the hardest on this list but going inside yourself and feeling out and just emoting TO YOURSELF how you feel about the bad things you have been through is CRUCIAL. If you forget this step, you are just distracting yourself without dealing with the root of the problem. Sit yourself down and be very gentle and HONEST with yourself about the way you are feeling. You can choose to write, record yourself talking on video, or whatever feels best. LOVE YOURSELF. you can't get past YOU without YOUR help. you will be grateful you've done this💘

with all that said, i love all of you, happy healing💜

[hunkkeiths-blog]

So I just scrolled 20000 years back on your blog like the creep I am and I saw you mention schizophrenic Keith headcanons but never actually saw schizo Keith headcanons and I'm 👀👀👀

once again thank you so much for sending this! i really really love this au but i never talk about it bc i feel like no one cares and this makes me sooo happy!

also sorry again for answering late i just wanted to be able to type everything relatively quickly and use a readmore

(i added links that lead to wiki pages to explain what certain stuff is, you don’t need to click them or anything)

ok so here goes

[Food mentions and slight emeto for this part]

Keith has a lot of trouble with food, both bc of sensory issues and paranoia

when its sensory, its mostly if the texture is too different to whats hes used to, or if theres too much taste and theres anything else (a sound, some lights flashing, whatever) hell get overwhelmed really easily. so he tries to stick to relatively tasteless stuff

Keith also gets a lot of persecutory delusions and some of the most recurring ones is that his food has been poisoned, having relatively tasteless food helps with not being as convinced of that

On good days (well as good a day as you can have when you think your food has been poisoned anyway), he can sort of just power through it and eat enough to not be starving.

On bad days, he either doesn’t eat at all, or if he only realises it after having eaten he becomes sick/makes himself sick.

Back on Earth, especially during his year alone, he had 3-4 “trusted foods/brands” and he almost exclusively only ate those

Once on the ship, things get very complicated, because from the start, he doesn’t trust the altean food goo (he still doesn’t if he’s entirely honest, but they’ve all been eating it and none of them are dead yet so if it is poisoned its slow acting enough) so he mostly only eats when hes absolutely starving for the first month or so before he slowly starts to eat more of the altean meals

He does however trust what Hunk cooks partly because he trusts Hunk, partly because Hunk eats it too, and (taste+texture of the food goo aside) hes always more comfortable when Hunk cooks.

[Warning ended]

While developing and after when he had it (which was 2 or 3 years before he entered the Garrison), Keith ended up almost entirely isolated from people, in part because he would willingly withdraw from others, in part because the people who took care of him after his father left/died (foster families i guess? i dont really know how the system works and i cant imagine how much worse it must be for a schizophrenic kid so) didn’t really know what to do with him because he had really bad emotional blunting

Because he was mostly left alone, he started focusing alot on the delusions he had at the time, the main one of which was that he just wasnt human (which yes turned out to be somewhat true, but it’s still a delusion). that led him to thinking of going to space because of a feeling that something would happen there. which led him to the garrison which is how he ended up there.

At the Garrison, he was amazing at flying and mediocre at best in all his other classes.

This is partly because outside of doing stuff that could actually directly get him to space, he wasnt able to get any motivation to do anything else. (even if he gets kicked out, he can just steal a rocket or something right?)

he also didnt really have any friends because he didnt approach anyone and more or less actively avoided anyone trying to get close to him.

the way he just was; never showing any emotion, barely speaking, the weird things he sometimes did, etc; sort of drove ppl away on its own

(this is also sort of the reason he didnt remember him and lances “rivalry” in s1ep1. he never actually noticed lance thought of him as a rival, he just thought lance was sort of loud)

Shiro ended up like being a mentor or something to Keith, and Keith wasnt able to really avoid him

They start off sort of rocky, because Keith hates interacting with other people, due to paranoid thoughts (”he can read my mind”, “he wants to hurt me”, and so on) that, while they werent nearly as bad as off meds, were still present even with medication.

Slowly though, Keith warms up to Shiro and starts trusting him (though shiro is never really sure because Keith doesnt show it at all)

Keith starts doing better in all his classes, because he’s interpreted that shiro will be extremely disappointed in him if he ends up getting kicked out because of poor grades, and hes terrified of disappointing literally the only person in the world he trusts

It also leads to Keith putting a minimum of effort into becoming at least somewhat expressive 

When the kerberos mission fails, keith is destroyed. all his grades almost instantly drop and he barely shows up to class because losing the only person he trusts essentially makes him totally apathetic, and go back to having alot of paranoid thoughts/delusions (mostly surrounding the garrison staging the entire thing, sort of fake moon landing style but with actual murder to make people back off on exploring space because of Something), and feeling like he’s being stalked by people (not entirely untrue tbh), and deal with anhedonia. and thats how he gets kicked out/how he drops out 

Living entirely alone (as in without any supervision) was hell for Keith.

Moving to the shack after dropping out messed with his entire routine, and without a relatively strict routine, he ends up forgetting his meds

Off medication, he had really really really horrible episodes that almost always ended with him getting hurt in some way

Off-meds, he starts his garrison/shiro conspiracy wall

He also found the blue lions cave during an episode

After a while (keith never tries to find out how much time he spent without his meds because he forgot about them), he ends up taking his antipsychotics again, and almost destroys the wall, except theres a feeling he still has that he rememebers he had during an episode.

He ends up going to the cave again, and “Holy shit that was real??” so he restarts his wall while being a bit more down to Earth.

The day shiro crashes on earth is one of the best days of his life bc, well, shiro, but also because he was actually right for once.

Overall, Keith’s pretty good at organising his thoughts and not speaking incoherently, but if hes at all stressed, hell go through a lot of thought blocking

It’s really annoying because Keith hates not being understood and not finishing his points, but often, even if the person hes talking to reminds him what he was talking about, he cant remember what he was going to say after

He also used to think that the thought blocking was aliens and/or the government stealing away all his thoughts to study humans (or, before the garrison: not entirely human entities)

His thoughts are alot more disorganised than his speech shows (under normal circumstances, there are occasions where he does get mostly incoherent). He’s learned to think of what hes going to say step by step before saying it

What he says often still comes off as not entirely thought out, rude, etc because thinking about what order words are going to come out of his mouth doesnt fix not understanding how to interact with others

And here’s a bunch of stuff i couldn’t really make long enough to warrant a separate section:

Keith stims mostly when hes nervous or bored, and he stims by scratching his nails against things, because he likes the sounds it makes.

[self harm (sort of)] at some point, the team notices that when theres nothing for him to scratch (like a wall or something), hell scratch at his own skin, because scratching fabric feels/sounds horrible, often until he scratches part of it off. so they make him these little squares of material to scratch at

Keith does a lot of magical thinking (i cant find an easy link for this but in this case its like seeing signs in things that are seemingly unrelated if that makes sense) where he’ll see a ‘sign’ and feel like he has to do something (what something is varies from something very specific to just “something”)

since he obviously cant always do what hes supposed to do after seeing the signs, hes started writing down everything so he can do it later (lance’s idea). it helps a lot.

Keith hates places with background noises that arent constant (like they stop and start, stop and start), even if they arent particularly loud, because he loses his entire train of thought whenever it stops or starts

Ok! that’s all I can think of right now, I hope this answered what you were looking for! 

I lost my entire train of thought at least 5 times while typing this so I’ll probably add more things in my tag later on when I think of them again!

I’m also writing an actual story with this, it should come out around the end of June if you’re interested!

[genderplanet]

since going vegan (it's been awhile now lmao and my sister again showed uncooked meat in my face and laughed at me so I'm annoyed and writting this lol):

Idk how to add ‘read more’ on moblie so good luck for people who hates vegans lmao it’s my own experience so jot that down: 1) Learned which friends™ are dumb as shit, will start debates with you and become an expert in health, economy, capitalism, environmentalist shite and so on while delivering 0 facts and completely dissmissing my researched scientific articles™ but their opinion is the ultimate supperior well known facts™.((not saying that science can’t be biased just saying that someone’s opinion™ vs multiple research papers and health organisations’ approved consensus like…..okay…………….)). 2) How much my family actually cares for my health. Thanks fam. Much appreciated that you let me develope an eating disorder which fucked me up so badly but since going vegan and eating normal meals everyday and not like maybe once in 2 or 3 days but ok. You’re now an expert and care for my health haha wow I sure do love not experiencing ibs, higher acidity, acne, lactose intolerance caused problems and hormone disbalance and so on but like : )) ur an expert now and care for me and my health : )))))) yes family none of you have lactose intolerance, bowel movements and other severe health problems caused by meat you experience is not your diet ur hhhhhealt h h yyyyy yyyy. 3) People suddenly becoming health experts while eating an egg lmao like….did i ask….. 4) People get suddenly VERY defensive of why they’re not vegans and tell how vegans are annoying and trying to get my vegan ™ approval. Like……I literally just showed a picture of what I ate why are you like this it’s so annoying. 5) “Being vegan is so expensive” You’re thinking of processed crap that so little of us actually purchaces but okay ((bonus points is if we’re in a grocery store and we both buy yoghurts just I vegan version and them dairy while my yoghurt costs the same or less than their dairy but……i guess I’m living an expensive life)). 6) I know only one person who is both lactose intolerant and soya protein intolerant but only talks about the latter while whining the same day about their health problems that are caused by lactose intolerance like…….shut up…jsut ahut yopppp and lwave me alone I came to talk about other things and not your and your child lactose intolerancd while not even saying 'lactose intolerance’. 7) No, I don’t support Peta they’re evil. 8) No, palm oil is not vegan (yeah it’s a plant but its consumption is just that bad) and majority of vegans avoid it, and you, a fellow omnivore™, do avoid it? Or just want an argument against vegans/veganism???? Why do ppl even want to talk to me about that shut up I didn’t even bring that up myself and people who wants to talk to me about that seems as if bathing in palm oil as they’re talking to me on how bad it’s for workers and enviroment. Look at yourself dipshit. 9) Again just like 1) just especially when person1 brings up how vegans are two faced assholes for buying food made by workers in poorer countries and then person2 joining in saying how bad it’s for enviroment, economy etc. and then…suddenly….can’t read when saying that over 2/3 of those foods goes to farm animals industry smth and not pretentious wuite vegans like me smth. 10) No, jokes about vegans doesn’t really phase me except when those jokes for some reason turn into debates because I was unphased and it turns out the person wanted to get me angry or some other shit. 11) Yes, people showing right into my face meat phase me. I’m making this post because of my sister who literally showed a piece of meat in my face, touching my face : ))))) but sure I’m annoying for talking and giving the facts after getting provoked. 12) I can eat so much and gain no weight nor lose any lmao but my family only now calling me anorexic. Cool. I experienced an eating disorder for couple of years but now when my weight and bmi is so average and normal I’m…..anorexic…..like……what 13) Acne whomst???? (except stress (((not really an acne I have other things like scratching and picking up any scab or bump that exist))) and period acne lol those exist but not as severe as before too so jot that down @ asshole who asked me how I got rid of acne and then started dumb ass debates with me like binch did i even ask your opinion. 14) People who were vegetarians telling me it’s just a phase while dismissing the fact that I’m doing this for my health and not because it’s trendy or some other shit they did which is easiest thing on earth to do. 15) People brining up plant allergies. Barbara, you just avoid it just like I avoid dairy because surprise I can’t digest certain plants too dairy too and I live. 16) The amount of people whining about bowel movements or cramps after consuming a dairy product tho. 17) No meds healed my gastrointestinal reflux disorder or how’s that called in english as this “diet”. 18) I’m less fatigue. I almost never get 'food coma’. 19) Seriously tho the amount of dumbass people ignoring what I have to say while listening to their half assed opinions. It’s so annoying. 20) My relatives used to boil or bake potatoes, rice, make more various salads before I went vegan. Now I go there with my own brought food and just….what the hell. Why are they eating only meats when it’s some family gathering, they laugh at me for 'you probably don’t eat anything’ no uncle, you decided instead of potatoes to get more meat which you won’t even eat and salads will be eaten in next 2h and nome of you will feel good the next morning. 21) My mother who has wheat allergy, lactose intolerant ((my wholy family and almost all relatives except one I think (i can’t remember if it was one or two) has lactose intolerance)), consumes more alcohol than should is constantly lecturing me on health…..no mother shut the fuck up. Every choice you’ve made in life was bad and I don’t even want to see your face. 22) My stepfather has literally same problems with stomach as me and he’s a fucking butcher. 23) Waiting until my aunt will stop giving her kid dairy because she for past year is whining how the kid is experiencing probably every health problem that is caused by dairy after the kid was old enough to stop digesting lactose naturally (after certain age babies stop doing that but ppl I’m whining on this post ignore that fact lol like only few 'lucky’ ones can still do that). Like….I’m waiting…..my aunt can’t digest dairy as well but I guess she knows better and let her child get sick. 24) The amount of ppl not understanding my “I don’t eat any animal byproduct.” and asking “What about fish?” ….like i thought it was basic to know what is an animal but i guess not. Like I don’t even say word 'vegan’ cause ppl here has no idea what is the difference between vegetarian(usually a diet person or trendy person but not always of course and even as a trend idc why tbh) and vegan (lifestyle not a diet). 25) “I hate when people do it because it’s trendy.” Like….your point is? 26) Vegans who are racist, anti-semitic (Kat Von D for example) are literal devils. 27) No, I don’t eat raw vegan diet that’s dumbest shit a vegan can do and yet people ask me if I’m like that. 28) People haven’t probably heard of seasonal fruits and vegetables and insist I’m some pretentious fuckface who eats like 8 bananas a day and avocados (spoilers: I don’t even like avocados and I probably eat one banana per week like I used to before I was vegan). 29) The amount of people not even listening to me when they start the dabates tho. I know I’m repeating myself but just….dumb as shit. Like why even start anything if it’s only opinions and no facts. 30) PersonA getting angry at me for telling that maybe when they heard on tv is not right and maybe I did my research, maybe I do see and voice my own thoughs and opinions when other vegans base their shit on pseudoscience but oh no if I say something that doesn’t support a person’s A option then oh no I’m biased and know nothing. Let’s get angry. 31) My family calling me anotexic and assuming it’s because I’m vegan now even though I lost that weight before is just sad. Literally a year ago I was the same weight as right now and I was not vegan. My family don’t even knowing that there are more eating disorders than anorexia is also sad. Also me having an eating disorder since 8th grade didn’t cause because apparently I was overweight (not sure if it’s scientific but ony my biology teacher in 12th grade after some conference told that sometimes you might have a severe eating disorder but your body just will hold onto that fat and other stuff and you will not look like it but you still can have an eating disorder). UghhhhhUUGGGHHHH just seriously my family just why so 'caring’ for my health. I want to literally punch them in the face every single time they bring any health related shit up to me. They literally can’t digest dairy, have other allergies and talk to me about health like shut thenfu k upppp I don’t want my intestines to fall apart because of my diet before going vegan what the fuck. I had years to take meds that didn’t help me, I still of course can’t digest certain plants just as before (lmao repeating myself). Literally switching the meat to soya or lentils is not any more expensive than meats that I surprise can’t fucking digest. My mother, aunt all of relatives told me how since I was a baby I had eating and digestion problems but once I went vegan and it all went away somehow I’m leas healthy???? likemmmmm kay seems fake but okay. 32) Also if I tell ppl about my family basically shitting on me maybe be a friend and don't talk how vegans are annoying. It feels like a slap sinceI just tell about my famiy doing dumbass ahit and you don't listen and just that....like....how old are you and do you know what is 'supporting' your friend.

tldr: Since going vegan almost all health issues/symptoms I had since baby went away since going vegan and no meds helped me that much. People suddenly became dieticians/health experts. People telling me how expensive and pretentious I am but ignores what I have to say about that. My relatives can’t digest dairy, but insist that my 'diet’ is unhealthy FOR THEM. My relatives makes less plant based dishes for some reason Hmmmm i wonder why. People get defensive why THEY can’t go vegan when I didn’t even ask. Have strong opinions which apparently are more important than my research, my own opinion and experiences. Family members telling me I’m unhealthy and anotexic while I’m finally almost got rid of my eating disorder while finally being completely average weight.

'tldr’ is tldr: people(my fam) are dumb and should shut the fuck up about veganism around me I don’t even start shit and they don’t know anything.

[kennothythebard]

Things I’ve learned about writing DEH characters

THIS IS NOT A GUIDE BY ANY MEANS THIS IS JUST SOME OBSERVATIONS AND THINGS I DO.

So while researching for and writing “A Worthy Explanation” (pls read i crave validation) I’ve noticed a lot of little things that I don’t always see mentioned in writing guides for these characters so I thought I’d point some of these out. Idk how love this is going to be so I’ll prolly put a cut here.

General

I like to create kind of a “loneliness chart” and graph the kids on it (looks kinda like those political alignment things). On one axis theres introverted vs. extroverted, and on the other theres like polite vs. rude I guess? But in summary: Evan is introverted polite, Jared is extroverted rude, Alana is extroverted polite, Connor is introverted rude, and Zoe... is just kinda generally lonely. Where she falls really depends on what’s going on with her (but she typically is a less extreme introverted rude than Connor).

Obviously each character has their own faults, but I often see these faults viewed quite selectively, see “cinnamon roll evan” and “fucking larry” for two very different examples of this phenomenon. Evan is not perfect and always trying to be nice, and Larry is not a super abusive parent who deserves no happiness in this life. They’re both complex and it’s hard to let go of our misconceptions to write truer to the characters (e.g. I really, Really don’t like Larry. I see him as a lousy father who just kind of chose to be “the strict one” but does nothing but criticize and dole out punishment, ignoring his kids any other time), but that’s an important part of deh, is that people aren’t always what we perceive them to be.

Evan

Evan is often viewed as like a cinnamon roll, but in act 2 especially Evan gets mean. Like, he’s dismissive and rude and angry and just a jerk. Evan can be just as bad if not worse than some of the “angrier” characters

Ppl often talk about his lying as his biggest character flaw, but I’d argue that most of the lying we see in the show just stems from the one lie which he was kinda forced to make bc he was in a bad place (i mean, thats pretty much the entire point of awe).

The character flaw that I don’t see discussed enough is that he’s ashamed of his mental illness. He’d rather pretend it’s not there, even when it impacts every part of his life. He doesn’t do the letters the way his therapist assigned them, he’s apprehensive towards medication and stops taking it, and basically feeds into his self-destructive tendencies, arguing his mother sees his as “broke” or something to be fixed.

Jared

I love writing Jared

There’s already a lot about what a complex character he is and stage directions, but one thing that most people notice is his actions frequently contradict his words. Take the sincerely me reprise at the start of act 2. Why would he try to insert himself into the narrative at this point? What good would that do at this point? When evan dismisses him he gets annoyed and defensive. He says that he can’t do anything until Monday because he’s hanging with his camp friends (whom he claims are his “real friends,” a term he will later ascribe to himself regarding Evan in Good For You), and when Evan dismisses him again he tries to offer to help with the kickstarter, but is quickly shot down once more by Evan. Despite what seems to be a natural ending place in the conversation, he insists on continuing to talk with Evan, and when Evan cuts him off again he becomes rude and slightly threatening. This happens over the course of maybe three minutes and it’s one of the most insightful scenes to jared’s character

When writing a canon-compliant Jared, his actions and thoughts should conflict with his words. He cares about Evan but he’d never say that out loud (in more canon-compliant fics), and it hurts when he’s pushed away, which he responds to with anger.

Zoe

Zoe is one of the most difficult characters to write, imo.

She’s often portrayed in a slightly sweeter, saccharine way in fanon as just like a fun, silly girl who is just a tad sarcastic, but really you can tell that she’s Connor’s brother. She’s angry, blunt, unafraid of speaking her mind, etc. Yes, she is funny and kinda sarcastic, but her sarcasm isn’t always of the funny variety. She’s obviously angry at her parents, but this often comes across as a “doesn’t love them” variety of anger when her real feelings seem to be much more complex. 

Basically, I’m still learning a lot about writing her but I think just like the other kids she’s a little lonely, so Evan comes along and he’s there and that’s enough for her. She has such a wide range of emotions that I don’t feel are always accurately represented, even by me. (especially by me)

Alana

Hella, hella lonely. Covers it up by talking to people and doing extracurriculars. Sure, “college apps” is her excuse for why she does so much, but it’s not the real reason. If she keeps busy, she doesn’t have to be alone with her thoughts. But at the same time she has similar fears to Evan about people seeing the worst of her. “Close acquaintances” seems to be a statement about how little she makes friends, but I also see it as a defense mechanism. If she remains “close acquaintances” with people, she’ll never have to be their friend and they’ll never have to see the worst of her.

She’s cheerful and annoying, but in the way that pisses high schoolers off. Like, we all knew that one kid who was just way way too nice, and most of us were like “yeah ok they’re pretty cool i guess” but like some people just hated their positivity. It also doesn’t help that she tries to insert herself in situations she hasn’t been invited in, and does some questionable things to help her accomplish her goals. (Evan/Alana contrast: Evan does questionable things to accomplish internal goals, Alana does them to accomplish external goals)

Gets easily distracted. Forgets to sign Evan’s cast in scene 1. Her mind has a million different thoughts at any given moment. It wouldn’t be out of line to headcanon ADHD Alana (some of the things she does reminds me of the things I do when I forget my meds).

Connor

?????

We don’t see a lot to really get a huge insight into his personality. We know he was angry and had some serious mental illness.

We also know that he could recognize when he went too far and would go out of his way to make amends. (Why was he in the computer lab? Why did he sign Evan’s cast?) He may recognize a kindred spirit in Evan.

Clearly he doesnt hate his family (he goes to school despite not wanting to go, and seeing Zoe’s name is what sets him off showing possible concern), and it would not surprise me to learn that he thought his family would be better and happier without him. He clearly has intense emotions and reactions even to things that might seem minuscule or inconsequential. When writing him in canon, I think of a rubber band stretched too tight, and any characters action could loosen or tighten the pulling.

Heidi

Such an emotional character, I nearly break my own heart when I’m trying to writer her.

Theres two odd kind of paradoxes in a parent-child relationship like that between Heidi and Evan. For Heidi, the paradox is that the more she wants to do for Evan, the less she can actually be there for him. For Evan, he wants his mother to succeed and loves her so much that he might even encourage her to not worry about him or spend time with him, but then resents that she’s never there. Or at least when he meets a mother who can provide and be there.

Heidi pretty much worries herself sick over Evan. Evan comes before everything else in her life, and so it’s easy for her to feel like she failed him, which is a huge reason for her intense reaction in Good for you: evan has just confirmed her fears that she’s failed him.

Heidi tries so hard, but she isn’t perfect. She’s clearly very sensitive about money or about Evan’s father, and this sensitivity can easily change to anger or passive-aggressiveness. She has deep insecurities that we may never see or fully comprehend.

Cynthia

Mom. like shes completely a mom. like, “can i speak to your manager?” type mom.

Loves her kids and tries to be supportive but struggles communicating with two very headstrong, sarcastic kids

she probably wouldn’t say this, but takes connor’s death very personally. wonders why he would do this to her 

Is desperate for her children to listen and understand her. Which Evan is more than willing to do.

A little bit selfish? Like, thinks about what will make her better rather than accepting everybody grieves differently

Larry

Fucking larry. I don’t like him and he’s the hardest character for me to write.

Ok since I made such a big deal about it in the intro i’ll try to be nicer than id normally be

A masculine archetype. Sports dad, wants sports son, which Connor isn’t

He’s got some really ableist/misogynistic tendencies that causes the intense demonization of him in the fanon but I mean... he could be worse i guess? (that’s literally the best i can say about that so yeah i dont like him at all)

Really just oblivious. Completely ignored Connor’s need for help, does not know how to read a room, you could say he frequently has a foot in his mouth if it weren’t so intentional.

I mean...probably a good guy if you can get past all that stuff? just really, really self absorbed.

yikes that was long. Again, not really a guide, just some things I think about when writing these characters. if you read this far at all thank you for indulging me this much.

[the-long-lost-ebony-blog]

my suicide attempt from kinphobia -- really really long post!!

TW FOR SUICIDE, SUICIDE ATTEMPT, HOSPITAL, FRIEND BETRAYAL, DOCTORS, ABUSE, KINPHOBIA, ANXIETY, SELF HARM , PEDOPHILE MENTION, and MAYBE DOXXING!!! 

well um. remember a while back when i was all super worried about a girl in chem class almost finding out i'm kin? yeah. it happened. it happened like a month ago. so i actually started being friends with her after she'd obvs had a bad day, like she was just sitting in the hall and i felt sorry for her bc she'd been crying. i started talking to her and asked if she was okay, now at that point she had no idea that i might be kin. i hid it really well! until!! she said that kin itself is a mental illness. and i couldn't help myself. i fuckin went off on her. kin isn't a mental illness, not all kin are mentally ill, etc etc. she just froze up and had this look of absolute disgust on her face. i tried to backpedal and say that she was just using the words wrong, and she was insulting mentally ill ppl but noo, she caught on. 

i just sorta made an excuse and left but it turns out that later on, she'd gone onto my facebook which i don't put on here for reasons like this lol. she dug through my timeline and a bunc of old photos and found like... a kin positive graphic from 2009 or something. it was a thing saying that i was "kin and proud" or whatever. (back then i thought i might be therian or otherkin. not fictionkin.)) 

now, i am in college but for summers i go home to live with my parents. that's where i am now. so here's where it gets worse. tw for stuff above. she went onto their facebook pages and got their emails. and she sent them both email as "a concerned friend". she told them that she was friends with me from class, and that i'd been acting weird lately -- like, not myself, low self esteem, spent all my time talking to strange people on tumblr, took 'a certain satire writing' (my source!! ugh) too seriously, and was really disconnected from reality. 

okay so the deal with my parents: they really are supportive of gender stuff (even though i'm a cis girl and was cis in canon) and different sexualities, and disabilities. they are also anti trump and want free health care and wish we did not start shit with russia. like they are not bad people. but in the past , i'd started to ask them for advice on if i was kin.  i had to explain what kin was. and they were p much horrified that this exists. they think that it "locks people into fiction and imagined reality" and "stunts their phsyclogical (not sure how to spell) development" and "teaches suffering kids to use escapism instead of therapy or self help". basically they are super ableist when it comes to kin. and they think it's ridiculous that it's actual community. stupid me, i'd literally said (before they said all that) that "i think i'm an otherkin, i feel uncomfortable as i am right now". so i pretended to agree with them on kin being bad. but then when this girl sent them the email.... i was home. with them. 

they would not shut up aboout how terrible this was for me, how i was hurting myself, how they never should have let me on tumblr, how they shouldve watched me closer, how i don't owe "these people" anything (you guys are my friends!!!) how this community is toxic, how i badly needed therapy. okay okay -- i need therapy! but it's for depression! not for being ebony!! and it was like this every single fucking day, and a lot of cringe blogs have been posting shots of my blog. that's because she's sent anon tips to them outing me as kin, outed me to my parents, and all the other ppl from class i was friends with? she spred a rumor that i was a pedophile apologist and didn't think authors' work was original, to make them stay away from me. i would have been here on tumblr -- ut they monitored all the stuff i did on the internet. i could only write poetry and watch youtube and like check the fucking weather. and i could shop on amazon. they became so ridiculously strict. it was "to protect me" but no. they refused to udnerstand that kin heps me! 

everything came to a head that night. they took a way my laptop, they took away my phone, they made me disconnect from everything that was related to kin. and they sent me to a therapist who was... well. awful. she was blatantly kinphobic, she'd had kin patients before and claimed to have cured them of being kin. this bitch had glowing reviews everywhere. when i insisted that i actually was ebony, she told me that i was taking "imagination as a coping skill" to far. she would not let me explain anything. my parents, who i usually came to for advice and liked, didn't let me explain. any mention of kin was just shut down. 

and then i couldn't anymore. i am so sorry, i just couldn't do it. and i was so angry at them. i was angryer at the bitch classmate who outed me to them. i wrote a sucide note telling them that i'd attempted before but kin saved my life, that i was sorry i couldn't be better, that all i ever wanted was to find my true self, that if i couldn't be ebony then i couldnt be at all. TW!! when they were asleep i went down to the medicine cabinet, i put a basket of my favorite things on the table, and i put the letter in it. and then i took.... jeez i dont even know what. 

the next thing i knew i was awake in the hospital. god it hurt all over. i just remember feeling super sick but really wanting food, and my head hurt, and it hurt to keep my eyes open. i was just... aching. and i was so disappointed and so scared that i'd failed. i knew my parents were furious with me and i'd never talk to my friends again. when they came in to finally talk to me , well i don't remember what happened. i blocked it out. but i do remember that they weren't angry at me, they were mad at themselves.  they are still kinphobic, but they want me to be comfortable with myself without "having to believe i'm ebony". 

when i recovered enough to be sent home they spent all their time with me until i said i needed to be alone. so they gave me a break but they came back, they said that they'd read about how to help me. all the advice they got said that they shouldn't isolate me and they shouldnt cut off my contact from my friends. so i'm allowed to be on tumblr a little, i'm allowed to talk about kin a little, they think that i'll grow out of it with lots of help. shutting me down about it will make me restless and i might atempt again. 

i am currently in therapy. i dk what my new therapist thinks of kin. i try not to talk about it with her bc i'm scared that she'll be hostile and i'll relapse. overall going to see her is not stressfull as long as i don't alk about being ebony. i just kinda pretend that i don't have a sense of my own identity, so she's trying to help me build one. i did tell her about how i had a frend that spread horrible rumors about me and shared my secrets bc i did something she didn't like, i didn't do anything wrong though. she was really sympathetic bc when she was a teenager, fake friends spread rumors about her being bi and said it meant she was cheating on her boyfriend. so yeah she is helping but kin helps too. i'm not going to tell her about it bc i can't have it taken away from me again. 

thats why i've been gone so long. i'm on new meds too, antidepressants, so i might act weird or be emotional a lot. and im trying not to self harm but i slip up and cut sometimes where no one can see it. 

i know i have a lot of messages. guys im really really sorry but i have to delete them. there are self care request, have to delete, i'm sorry. it's just.... if i the messages, i feel sick bc it' like i missed a deadline over and over and i feel like people are going to be mad at me and i feel like i cant fix it. if you sent requests, please sent them again SLOWLY over the next couple days. im doing everything i can to get better. but i need your help. 

[wayfaringmd]

Hiya Wayfaring. I live in a country where you need to take a test to get into med (similar MCAT, but much less science), extracurriculars aren't really considered & places are VERY limited.I have taken it 3 times so far applied &being rejected, and I'm 2 years postgrad. Each time I do very well on the science section, but my humanities section always lets me down. I really can't see myself not being a doctor. I don't know if I should give up & move on with my life or keep trying. Thoughts? - anon

I don’t know how things work in your country, but in the US I’ve seen people get accepted on their 3rd or 4th try. I assume that you’re working on improving your skills in the humanities between each try. If you’re not, why expect any improvement? Think about whether you want to be a doctor or whether you want to be in medicine. What do doctors do specifically that other professions don’t do that you can’t see yourself living without? If you just want to be in medicine, why not look at other avenues?

I am a medical student who has just finished Step 1 and starting rotations in the hospital... I got my score back and it is 200s... barely passing. On top of that, I am a Canadian international student who needs visa for residency here in the US. Do you have any advice on what to do going forward, chances, etc? Thank you! - anon

My Step 1 score wasn’t stellar either, nonnie. My best advice is for you to be realistic about your specialty choice and where you apply and do away rotations at your top few programs. Let them see your actual knowledge and skills and your chances of matching will be higher. 

i'm so sorry, had no one to rant to that would get this. Post-matcher here! i ranked both FM and IM bc i liked both. i didn't get my top choice prog (FM) and got IM. Everyone around me is relieved which is really annoying. "You have options now!" Wtf, I had no interest in specializing and FM had more options for me and i'm so gonna miss kiddos and preggos and i was really liking urgent care and poof! all that's disappeared. also i hate ppl constantly dissing FM (& psych while we're at it) whyyyy -anon

So sorry friend. I TOTALLY get it. I’m a family doc currently stuck in internal medicine land and I miss the kiddos and preggos terribly. I will say that you will get more variety and family medicine-like setting doing general IM in a small town than you would in a big city. And you can totally do urgent care as an IM doc. Do some moonlighting in residency and see if you feel prepared for it or not. I hate people dissing FM too. So when you grow up to be a big IM doc, keep us family docs close to your heart!

[mybravesong]

Week 4

DAY 24 Monday (30th July) We started the day with morning exercise. Here’s a picture of what it’s like in the morning.

Everyone’s half dead. We power walked with Leonie on the bridge under the bridge towards Optus stadium. During quiet time, I asked God for a word and I had the word 'tu' which means you in Spanish and the word dance. 

Jeremiah 31:13 NIV Then young women will dance and be glad, young men and old as well. I will turn their mourning into gladness; I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow.

I thanked God for who he is, He brought to mind the lady we walked past on the way to bbt on Sunday and another lady I saw sitting on a bench, downcast. I prayed for healing and for her to personally encounter breakthrough. We went into morning chores, this week for me that is checking fridge for expired food. We’ve started on the weekly topic which is, “Worship and Intercession”.

I had Lunch and lunch duties and straight into band practice! 

^ This is my band! Tavita, Joshua David, Iel, Leonie, Sam, Randi and Sarah!  We finally played the song once through. It was fantastic!! :D Then we had dinner and showered and went to bed. Also handed in my first book report.

 DAY 25 Tuesday (31th July) We started with a fun morning exercise which was Dance Dance Revolution! It was super fun cause we got to dance together and be wacky with one another. I had quiet time and I asked God what He thinks of me and he says kind and gentle. Are u always affirming? He said yes. He also gave me this verse.

Jeremiah 19:3 - about a stiff neck people that did not listen and put foreign gods and idols.

Isaiah 6:10 - about a seedling coming up from a stump.. I RMB praying about it before but I forgot who it was and God says I love you with an everlasting love. He pat my head and said have a good day today.

We went for Morning chores and I asked Kari to be my staff of the week (it’s part of the journal that you have to introduce yourself to a staff and find out their story. After that, we went into Intercession class. Tess was taking about the history and this is what she mentioned:

First wave - 15 century ships Europeans 2nd wave - main land 3rd wave - rise of airlines, unreached places 4th wave - more Christians growing in Asia going into other nations. Focus on ppl on all nations going to nations The theme was to pray for God to send people from nations.

We broke off into groups and I got this verse: Hebrews 12:26‭-‬29 NIV At that time his voice shook the earth, but now he has promised, “Once more I will shake not only the earth but also the heavens.”  The words “once more” indicate the removing of what can be shaken—that is, created things—so that what cannot be shaken may remain.  Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe, for our “God is a consuming fire.” There were a couple of words about fire and about people coming from libra and going into america to preach the gospel. After that, we had lecture, lunch and lunch duties. After that, we had a class on  songwriting. These are the principles they explained.

Principles of song writing 1. Partnering discipline and inspiration together What's God talking about to us, to the nation or the school 2. Hear from God 3. Finish your songs 4. Use the Bible 5. Record your bits 6. Songs from encounters

I finished my 2nd book and went for dinner. Right after, I did my 2nd book report and finished it. Then at 7:30pm we had small group. Sam Hakes spoke on the goodness of God. Definition of goodness - goodness in its truest form is right. Goodness - beneficial, nourishing, a general quality recognised in others. After that we had to do application. 

Application 1. Where are you at with being good I honestly wouldn't say I'm good hahaha just cause we're all not good after the fall but it is through Jesus that we received that righteousness. In loving wise, I think I can be loving haha, providing wise, not as good as I would like.. I try to contribute to my family where I can. Faithful wise, I still have room to grow for that haha. 2. How can u grow more in this character God gave this to me which is to think good thoughts of people. 3. 1 application that u can actually do Write down the person's name and what qualities you love about them 

We did the 5 languages test as well and then went off to bed.

DAY 26 Wednesday (1st Aug) We had no exercise that day but I had quiet time and God was saying to me that I was taking too much time doing and not expounding on relationship. So I asked God to give me the godly grieve for things that break His heart, whether it's unforgivenness, pride, etc. God was talking to me about enjoying relationship rather than doing more things because I had finished my second book report already. I had pride in my heart - look what I have achieved and that's not the way of God. We had morning chores and then we had Missions Morning. It was really interesting cause we got to see what ministries YWAM ran. 

Then we had lecture, lunch, lunch dishes. Then I had a one on one with Abigail and the question I had to think about was - why am I having pride? And how to overcome it? God said to think good thoughts of others and write them down. She also got me to think about strategies to resist temptation. We had dinner and then song and dress rehearsal - Never getting back together and He’s got the power in his hands. I went back to shower and got sick. Started shivering badly, had a fever. My fever broke and I woke up at 1ish. Went to toliets and came back to sleep.

DAY 27 Thursday (2nd Aug) Woke up at 6.30am. Feeling really groggy. Kate gave me cereal and Katie gave me almond milk to go with my cereal for breakfast. Really thankful for them! I had morning chores after. We then had class. We broke into our small groups and talked about where we were for outreach, financially. The verse I got from God was��Luke 6:38 give and it shall be given to you. I had the impression to sow into someone’s outreach fees and also an amount for the wireless mic (faith project). We had lectures and after our lunch duties we went to class. We were introduced to Destiny who was teaching us how to prep for our Mexican food fundraiser. After that we went for dinner. After dinner, Matt and I worked on collecting data and finalising the order list while a couple of them were playing jackinthebox(which is really fun btw! everyone should try). I asked Matt to walk me home, went to shower and went to sleep. I woke up at 4am, went to the toliets and sneezed (mucus came out - right side) and I went back to bed again. DAY 28 Friday (3rd Aug) Woke up at 6am and felt like God wanted me to go to base at 6.30 for quiet time. During quiet time, God said I am righteous and holy. But I don't feel that way. I asked if I should give towards someone’s outreach fees that He had laid in my heart the day before and.. he gave the verse Zachariah 6:3 - Then he called to me, “Look, those going toward the north country have given my Spirit rest in the land of the north.” That was a confirmation for me as the person is going North. On top of that, I also asked Him to heal me! And I coughed up thick flam. Took a photo of it in the toliets. Praise God! 

After that we had Music DTS worship, lecture, lunch. During lunch, Cristine approached me about doing a testimony about what we’ve been learning throughout the DTS and I said YES o-o! Had lunch duties and I went to accounts to submit my funds into the person’s outreach fees and faith project. I had wanted to go during lunch duties but Alex rebuked me (thank you Alex). I had to come to terms with my reaction and I asked God to forgive me and rebuked the spirit of pride. I decided to send in my funds via bank transfer instead and got them sent out. 

After that, they spread out a map across the auditorium and got us to intercede in prayer over the whole earth.

After that, Matt and I started prepping for the Deliveroo with Destiny (Mexican food) and Karen (a girl I had met previously in the school of arts gave me a sneakers bar (so sweeet!) We had the burrito run. 

It went well, I think we managed to raise a good amount. But right after that, we had service and I felt like I didn’t quite prepare well for it. But lol God gave me the courage and I spoke. It seemed like a lot of people found it funny haha Praise God for that. Went back to the dorm after and started doing my weekly journal! My bunk mate, Sarah encouraged me about genuineness and boldness of authority in prayer that I’ve been having! God is so good!

DAY 29 Saturday (4th Aug) Leonie, Iel and I spent the morning on our journals. We finished them and went for lunch. After lunch, my baby sisters came to pick me up for a sister outing. We went to the pharmacy to get me some meds and then we hung out at yagan square and had a long chat! <3 It was fun!

We then went to Cristine’s place for the pizza party. 

It was a lot of fun but I was so tired! xD After that, we went back to 228, showered and the girls had a movie night thing. We watched 10 things I hate about it. Brings back so many memories!

DAY 30 Sunday (5th Aug) I woke up at 1.57am cause God was speaking to me and I wanted to write it down. 

God reminded me that His love covers a multitude of sin. I had a picture of Leonie holding tea and stating a different view. Someone who had a very different opinion and then everyone still gathered  round them I think I got the bible verse Isaiah 53 something... I’m not quite sure I couldn’t rmb it. He also gave me a revelation. His love is enough. God celebrates our differences. God loves therefore we must love too. Prayed for unity.

I went to sleep and woke up at 7ish to visit Riverview Church. Low and behold. The pastor was preaching about having the right posture or heart and He was talking about James 4:8 (which so happens to be the jumper I was wearing today! And at the end, he mentioned that He is enough! And it was totally crazy cause that was what God was speaking to me about this morning! I loved that confirmation! Praise God for that. Draw near, less talking, more doing. His presence is enough, God is enough!

I came back after and just chilled on my bed for a bit. Feeling extremely tired today! Ate lunch and just worked on getting this journal up! :D