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georgiapeach30513 · 4 months ago

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Two Good Reasons, Part 2

Summary: The truth comes out

Pairings: Andy Barber X Reader

Rating: mature

Warnings: language, mentions of cheating, mention of fertility issues, depictions of depression, 18+ ONLY

Word Count: 4K

Series Masterlist

*dividers created by @firefly-graphics

Your leg bounces up and down when you look at your phone. You are late. And knowing Scott, he’s going to use this against you. You rarely went out. But this��

You look down at your clothes. His clothes. What else were you supposed to do but grab his button up, and some sweats. It still smelled like him, and you’re swooning. You can still feel him in your body. On your body. He didn’t just fuck you, he made sure to implant his entire soul in you, and it leaves you longing for more. Things with Andy have always been good enough for one time.

It was beautiful, and perfect, and just like how you would imagine seeing him again. But you can’t want him. Your life is a mess, and you can’t bring him into it. You give a nod to the Uber driver as you get out of the vehicle. Your heeled shoes oddly matched with his clothes, and make too much noise as you walk up the front steps.

Walking into the house, you’re met with Scott glaring at you. You don’t answer. You want to see your babies. But he makes a show out of looking at his watch. “You’re over an hour late.”

“Sorry, I ruined your Sunday morning, Scott.”

“And what the hell are you wearing?” His hand gestures down your body, and you feel your cheeks flare up in anger more than embarrassment. Like he had any room to talk. He smirks. Reaching across the counter to slide your wallet towards you. “The District Attorney dropped this off for you. Guess I know whose clothes you’re wearing. My god. How can you be so fucking stupid?”

“I’m stupid? How’s Taylor? Your twenty-three year old fiancé? She’s just waiting for the damn divorce to be finalized, huh?” He hates when you bring up the engagement, or her age. Hell, everyone could tell she was young. Most thought she was younger than twenty-three.

Scott takes a deep breath. His fingers tap on the counter. “If you give us the house, I won’t fight you for full custody.”

Your eyes immediately well with furious tears as you stare at the man that you loved so much. You gave up everything to give him the family and home he wanted. The only thing you couldn’t give him anymore was children. Taylor could. He made sure of it. Plus her boobs weren’t droopy from breastfeeding. Her hips weren’t wider from bearing children. Her hair wasn’t thinner because you gave to your babies.

“Why are you always crying? My god, we’ve been over this. You’re getting alimony. Why do you need this house?”

“Why do you?” you counter immediately.

He sighs, shaking his head, “Because we’re going to have a family. You’re — not.”

“You son of a bitch. You're bargaining my kids for this ugly house? You think you have a leg to stand on for full custody?” This is the thing that infuriates you most about Scott. He was a good father, but now that the veil has been removed, you see that his children were more of a show for him. Something to talk about at meetings. Brag about when Audrey got into the best Pre-K in the city. Not because he actually enjoyed them. That was you.

“I have a career. You have…”

“I was your wife, and their mom, nurse, teacher, friend, entertainment, cook, maid,” you would do it all again to spend time with them. Them. It pains you knowing that Suede is at a center, when with Audrey you spent every waking minute with her.

“Yeah, I get it. You did all that for me, but that still doesn’t mean anything. I paid for this house. I’m the one that makes the money.”

“Get out,” you answer blankly. Don’t argue with him outside of the courtroom. That’s what your cheap lawyer told you. Don’t give him ammunition to take your children away. He wanted you to stay at home. He wanted you to not use your college degree. He wanted you to give everything for the family.

“We’re not finished. I am trying to negotiate things with you. Especially since you’re running around sleeping with the DA. You think that’s going to actually help your case? Seriously?” Of all the things to say, this was the worst. To think he thought so little of you that you would sleep with someone that could leverage the case. He’s an ass. But he also knows about your Andy. Too bad, he didn’t realize they were the same person.

“Andy is not just the DA,” Scott looks over your features, and your mouth turns up into a smile. Is he really lecturing you about sleeping around? At least you chose someone that was more than a tight body and big tits. You chose someone you loved, could see a future with. And you were pushing him away, “Andy is an old friend.”

“You bitch,” you shrug, starting to walk backwards towards your children who should be taking a nap. “Are you fucking kidding me. That’s — you — don’t tell me you fucked him so…”

“Mommy!” You shoot him a glare as Audrey comes running down the hallway. Jumping into your arms, and you hug her so tightly. “You smell nice,” you hope Scott hears her. You weren’t into playing games where your children are concerned, but you hope he feels even a tiny prick of the pain you felt when you found him fucking Taylor in your bed. “Me and Suedey missed you.”

“I missed you, too, baby. You want to go get Suede, so you guys can tell daddy, bye?” She furrows her brows, while she looks at you confused. “Baby what is it?”

“It’s nothing. Audrey, go get Suede,” he gives her a little wink, and you place her back on the floor, and turn to look at him. “It’s nothing.”

“If that woman was in my house again, so help me God, Scott,” it’s the one thing you hated. Her being here. Of course you didn’t want them at her apartment either, and neither did Taylor. It was too small and they caused a mess, which is why overnight stays with their dad were few and far between.

“She doesn’t like being alone.”

“And the agreement was for her to not be in my dwellings. This is my dwelling.”

“And it should be ours! You don’t even want it. You hate it here. You’re just doing this because you don’t want Taylor and I to have it.”

“I’m doing this? Who is the one that said you won’t go for full custody if I give you the house? Taylor put you up to that?” Scott stops his retort as a swollen eyed Suede comes waddling into the room, and you lift him up. “Why is he snotty? I was gone one night, why is he snotty?” You hate being that mom, but with Suede, you have to be careful.

“He petted Trixie,” you look up at Scott dumbfounded. “It was just for a little bit and then…”

“Audrey,” Scott warns, and you want to throw things at him, and scream. She did nothing wrong. She is the child, and he is the adult. “Come give me a hug. I need to finish talking to your mom," you let your chubby toddler waddle off to his daddy. And Audrey gives you a lingering look before grabbing her brother’s hand. Apologizing as she drags him to the play room.

“It wasn’t a big deal.”

“He’s allergic to cats.”

“I gave him a Benadryl. He’ll be fine.”

You hate him. It isn’t much to ask for Taylor not to be here. And for her not to bring her fucking cat. “And what happens if she feeds him something with eggs?” Scott looks at the counter, and you wonder if he ever regrets getting involved with her. He’s the type of man that will force something to work. Because you didn’t stand for cheating, so he didn’t have another option.

“What happens if she gives him walnuts? Or milk? Or…?”

“Or gives him shell fish? Or strawberries? Or pineapples? Or whatever made up bullshit you have for him. She’s a kid and doesn’t know how bad his allergies are.”

You stare at him, and let him think about his fucking words. Seething because he sure knows how to piss you off. This was a good day. You stared at Andy’s sleeping body for too long before you tiptoed around his bedroom. Having sex so many times exhausted him now. “You’re right, she’s a kid. And had no business being with you. But our son’s health is not made up. I held his body when the nurse pricked his skin forty times, and he was wailing in my arms, and not understanding why his mommy was forcing him to do this. Don’t tell me it’s fucking made up Scott. Get out.”

“I didn’t mean it like that.”

“Get out. Leave. I can’t even look at you. This isn’t the you I married. You would never put our children’s health at risk,” he continues to stand there. Opening his mouth a bit, but you’re tired. You’re sore. And all you want is to play with your children. “I don’t need you to ask me if I’m going to use this against you. Yes, when it comes to my children’s lives and their safety, you’re damn straight I will make sure my children are alive to see another day, and not because some tramp thinks Seude’s allergies aren’t that fucking serious. Get. Out.”

He bites his lip before spinning on his heels quickly. You watch him walk out of your house, and life again. Sniffling when you lock the door. You take a few deep breaths before you have to put on your mommy shoes. It isn’t easy being a mother. Especially a single mother. It’s not easy seeing the man that you built a life with walk away so callously. To see him building a life with someone younger. Someone who can give him what he wants.

Someone who didn’t spend months and months on fertility treatments that made her feel like her skin was crawling. Like her mind was shattered. Having to schedule sex, and hope and pray that it will work. All the useless damn pregnancy tests that were always negative. Stressed, and trying to be what he wanted, only to find him fucking the babysitter, while your children slept in the next room. And it was your fault you caught them, you got back home early.

Scott didn’t even begin to understand stress. He could never understand the ups and downs your mental state went through just trying to give him what he wanted. You had Audrey and Suede. One of each, you weren’t greedy. But everything you ever did was always for him. Put on a smile when you’re hurting so bad internally. Smiling to the neighbors because everything was perfect. And you had a perfect home, and inside you were screaming because that wasn’t happiness.

The only happiness you currently have is your kids. They’re enough. They’re the reason you wake up every morning, and take them to the nursery school. They’re the reason that you get excited that Audrey wears a little uniform now that she’s in Pre-K. They put a smile on your face everyday. And those hard days when they test your every patience, and you are the one that has to be the positive one and get them in the bed, but who takes care of you?

You wanted a family and a partner. Someone that would team up with you, and take some of this load off. Someone that could entertain the kids, while you had one hour to yourself, just so you can take a bath and read. You wanted someone you could trust to be around your kids, and you’re wondering where things went wrong with Scott. Yeah, you’re sure he was stressed, but what about your stress? You’re the one who didn’t even enjoy sex anymore because it was a chore. And you did it for him.

Gods, Andy wasn’t a chore. Minus the ache in your core, that you know is going to be there for awhile. Bruised, raw, stiff, sore, and stretched. He fucked you, and fucked you so hard and deep. But then — later in the night, he kissed you. He kissed you so hard that your body prepared for him in seconds. You craved him. But he didn’t fuck you. He pushed into your warmth so slow that you knew he was making sure your body memorized him. That wasn’t fucking. That was claiming. It was euphoric. It was making love, and hoping that his body can make you change your mind. He still wants you.

That is what you want with sex. Not to just lay there, and let them take what you want, while you count the cobwebs on the ceiling. But Andy didn’t deserve whatever is going on between you and Scott. Andy deserves the world. He always has.

It isn’t anything, really. Just the average separation, and fighting for custody that Scott didn’t deserve. But you want to be divorced. You want these conversations to be done with. You want him to man up, and just be the part time dad. It’s what he was anyways. But you made it clear that Andy had you for one night. And even now saying it out loud, you hate yourself. But it’s the right thing to do. Because had Andy been present for this, his usual calm and collected demeanor would have been tested.

“What are you two doing?” You jump around the door, and both kids squeal. Suede gives a few strides before he’s crashing into your legs. “Bubba, I think you’re going to have to get your nose cleaned out at bathtime.”

“Nope. Me pay Sis,” he hates getting his nose cleaned out, and you hate that he has done it enough to know what you’re talking about.

“Mommy, I didn’t mean to get daddy in trouble.”

“Shh,” you sit on the floor, and pull her close to you. Kissing on top of her head, and she fumbles around with her little figurines. “The important thing is you told mommy that Suede was around something that can make him sick. That’s called being a good big sister, okay?”

“You promise?”

“I do,” and you curse Scott for making her worry about a grown man. It was something Scott wouldn’t have told you. Bending the truth because Suede was fine. Audrey, your strong sweet girl, knew it was wrong, and knew it could make her brother sick.

“Can we go to soft play tonight?” You look at her confused. Scott said that he was going to take them there with Taylor. Since she was supposed to be here. “Daddy said that they were closed. Do you think they’re closed today?”

“No, baby. They’re not today,” you always had to go with Scott’s lies. Taylor never wanted to do ‘baby things’. You wondered how that was going to work when she had children of her own. “You think mommy can take a shower with the door open and you and Suede not get into trouble?”

“Can we get ice cream, too?” She gives you a devilish grin, and you nod your head with a smile. “Are you going to use your bathroom?”

“No, I’ll use yours. That way I can still hear you, if you need me,” Audrey isn’t dumb. She knows you’re lying. In reality you couldn’t use yours and Scott’s bathroom anymore. It had the beautiful tub that was part of the reason you and him decided on this house. You couldn’t even sleep in your bed. Not after they defiled it.

You knew that was the real reason, and still you made excuses as to why you slept on the couch. Your favorite was to make sure nobody came through the front door. Whatever lie helped you sleep at night. Maybe you should just give Scott the house. But it’s the principle of the matter that he used your children as leverage. You want him to pay, and you want him to be their father, you want them to have a good relationship with him and Taylor, and you want things to not be so fucking difficult. You never get what you want.

You remember the most beautiful parts of your marriage. Audrey in a world of her own, while Suede goes from watching her to rolling his cars around. They were your sanity. Your saving grace, and the only reasons you’ve survived thus far. Your thumb trails over your naked ring finger. You didn’t realize you would miss it so much. But was it the ring you missed or the husband you had? You can’t even think of Scott in the same way as before. He sullied your relationship and has proven too often that Taylor is more important than your everything’s.

“So,” Sloane says as Andy walks past you and into Ransom’s office. You didn’t question why Andy needs to meet with him. It goes with the territory and the less you know the better off you are. “Big dick daddy doesn’t pay you any mind anymore?”

You choke on your coffee as you glance up at her. How the hell would she know about Andy’s dick or your involvement? “I mean, the man prances around the courthouse like he’s got a dick made out of lead. Acts like he owns the whole court system. And for a while, he always made a point to ask you for coffee, or dinner, or brought you pastries. What did you do?”

“Nothing,” you go back to your work. Sloane could be a nosy woman. Always digging for more information. And even now, she’s eyeing you like you’ve done something wrong.

“You when I think that things changed?”

“Nope,” you sigh, but she sure is going to tell you. Andy respected your wishes for just one night. But you hoped that he wouldn’t. And you know you’re acting silly. There was this part that is bigger than you really want to admit that hoped he wouldn’t give up on you. Because maybe once things are settled with Scott you might consider it.

“It might have something to do with his celebration of another year as District Attorney, and the two of you not so casually leave together. You kinda forgot your car here,” your fingers freeze, and you look up at her curiously. “You two left out the door together, and your car was here? Seriously?”

“I had a flat tire.”

“No, you didn’t,” there isn’t another way you can lie, so you just sit at your desk, staring at her. “So how was it? I’m assuming that you had sex. You’ve got kids, you’re not a virgin. So why not? Is he as big as people think?”

“People talk about his dick size?”

“Not just talk about his dick size, but have tried to break his impenetrable force field of his private life. And you come in here, and everyone is envious because he immediately showed interest in you. Why?” Her eyebrow cocks up, and she smiles. “Keep your secrets. Cause I know you fucked him, and I know now that he barely even looks at you. So either you told him how it was going to be, or…”

Her voice trails off as she walks away from your desk, “Or what?” That sounds ominous, and you didn’t want an or. You want to know that Andy doesn’t hate you. But what could make him hate you that much? The only thing would be, “Scott…”

—

“Stop moping,” Ransom rolls his eyes, but Andy is so far lost in thought it annoys Ransom. “You’ve been like this for a couple of weeks,” Andy ignores Ransom, stirring his coffee. “What’s wrong, your highness?”

“Your office manager.”

“Was the sex that bad?” Andy looks up at him confused. Scrunching up his brows, while he wonders when Ransom thinks he had sex with you. “You two weren’t subtle. She was all giggly, and you were dragging her out the door. Liquid courage I guess. Not to mention, Sloane said that her car was here once everyone left. Office hookups are severely frowned upon, but you needed laid. But I guess…it was bad.”

Andy shakes his head no. “And we had agreed on sex while she was sober,” you were sober. And cute. And flirty. And Andy was not going to miss an opportunity. Until he found out you are married.

“How romantic. Now, since the sex was good, let’s get to work.”

“She told me that I could only have her one night. We have a bit of a history, you see,” Ransom rolls his eyes, twirling his hand and motioning Andy to speed up the conversation. He didn’t care what kind of history you had. He just wants the conversation to end so he can get down to business. “She’s married.”

Ransom shakes his head no, and leans to reach in a bottom drawer of his desk. Grabbing up a file folder, he drops it on the desk in front of Andy, and he pulls it towards him. Opening up the folder, he reads through it, and looks at Ransom, holding his breath. “Yeah, that’s a petition for full custody of her kids from her wonderful estranged husband, Scott Huffman. Her working here wasn’t just because she needed a job. She actually went to college to be…”

“A CPA. I’m aware. We have a history.”

“And didn’t know about her legal separation?” Ransom is annoyed. Ransom hates getting off track. There is a schedule, and Andy isn’t sticking to it. “Her lawyer is one of the cheapest ones. She needs new representation, and for some godforsaken reason, I pity her. Scott doesn’t need his kids full time. He’s got him some blonde that’s too young for him, but he’s got the money. She was a stay at home mom, and she deserves her kids, so I’m trying to make that happen. And no, you cannot intervene. You actually met him didn’t you? Scott?”

“I’ve met him in court a few times.”

“That’s not what I mean, and you know it. Don’t get involved. She’s not married. Well, she’s legally separated. So if that’s what the issue is, get over it,” Ransom is sometimes way to blunt, but it’s the reason Andy admires him. His pension for being a spoiled brat helped him be a better ADA. “That fucker is still calling her his wife isn’t he?”

“Yeah. Men like him love to show that they still own her. Using her kids against her, no doubt. But,” Andy holds his hands up in surrender. He knows Ransom can see right through him concerning this situation. “I won’t interfere.”

“Was her pussy that good?”

“It was always that good, but it was never about the sex,” he meets his eyes before he closes the folder, and extends it to Ransom. He misjudged the situation. And then he probably has been making you feel like a wet hole by ignoring you these past couple of weeks. “God, I'm an idiot.”

”Yeah, now if you can stop ignoring her, and go back to your obvious shameless flirting. It sounds like the two of you, if you want a future, need to fucking talk. Just like we’re supposed to be doing.”

Ransom is right. About a lot of things. He pushes the urgent need to talk to you aside. He wants to apologize for ignoring you, and even the horrible things he thought. He wants to understand what really happened in your marriage, if you want to talk. He wants to let you know that you have a friend in him. Not just a sexual need. He cares about you. And knowing that a ruthless man is trying to get full custody of your children, sickens him. Scott worked too many hours to ever need those children.

But mostly, he wants to know the new you. The one you kept hidden, and the one that grew up and created a new life. He wants to know that you are okay. And that you have someone with a steady head to lean on. He wants you. He always has. And he’ll be whatever you need. If you’ll let him.

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Taglist: @tis-thedamn-season @marveloustaylortot @pono-pura-vida @peaches1958 @seitmai

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@pandaxnienke @kmm-fluv @rogersbarber @theinheriteddutchess @buckybarnesisdaddy

#two good reasons #andy barber #andy barber x reader #andy barber x fem!reader #andy barber x female reader #andy barber x y/n #andy barber x you #andy barber fanfiction #andy barber fanfic #andy barber fic #andy barber fics #chris evans #chris evans character #defending jacob #scott huffman

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batty4steddie · 10 months ago

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Can I Keep It?

Chapter 3: Study Hard

Eddie spent the ride to Steve’s house sandwiched between Dustin and Max in the backseat because, of course, as soon as they got outside, Robin called shotgun.

Max was leaning with her forehead pressed against the window and her eyes closed, and Dustin was working his way through a bag of sour gummy worms because, "Road snacks, guys.”

Eddie accepted one, wrapping it around his finger and tearing off the head with his teeth. He let out a soft breath when the boathouse disappeared from view and let Dustin talk his ear off for the rest of the trip. *

Steve’s house wasn’t too far. It was in a nicer neighborhood but still close to the lake. In fact, his room had a pretty good view of it.

Once they arrived, Steve noticed that his mom's car was gone. At least sneaking Eddie in wouldn’t be an issue. She must have gone to the store.

Usually, after he and his dad went to work, she turned into the couch potato she had been since she’d figured out his dad had been running around on her. She’d been depressed for a while now but kept up appearances in front of his dad and the rest of the town.

She’d finally told Steve about his dad cheating because she had gotten so upset after his dad called to say he wasn’t coming home for dinner. To Steve, that was nothing new—he was always missing dinner for work—but now Steve knew why.

He hadn’t liked his dad much before he knew that. He was always so hard on him. Nothing Steve did was ever good enough. No matter how many basketball games or swim meets he won, that was nothing compared to his dad’s high school football career and the scholarship that had gotten him into college. Those things led him to an amazingly successful career as a salesman… who then cheated on his high school sweetheart. Steve was bitter and hated cheaters.

His house was slightly secluded, with lots of greenery and big trees surrounding it. Since the lake was behind the house, there wouldn’t be any nosy neighbors catching Eddie Munson being willingly led into the Harrington house.

Steve got out of the car and waited for Eddie. “Looks like my mom is at the store or something. You just gotta keep it down when she gets back.”

Harrington’s place seemed more like a museum than a house. It was nestled in the trees, had two stories, and big full-length windows that wrapped around to the back. Eddie had driven past Steve’s a few times before, unknowingly. He was only ever in this area of Hawkins for drug deals. Rich seniors were his best customers. Eddie nudged Dustin to let him out of the car. “I promise not to blast any of Satan’s music while your mom is home,” Eddie vowed, raising his hands in a show of good faith.

He and Steve left the kids, and Robin, who still had a shrewd look in her eyes as she observed them, while they walked up and around the property.

According to Steve, nobody was home, yet most lights were still on inside. It was sorta lonely looking, Eddie thought. It was like somebody had turned all the lights on to pretend it was filled with warmth and people. Eddie couldn’t imagine what their electricity bill was like. Uncle Wayne didn’t even let him keep his amp on for more than a few hours, though that was probably more about the noise and less about the power usage…

Steve led Eddie around the back of the house where his private entrance was. There were two large glass sliding doors. That wasn’t something he’d always had. Not until he’d graduated had he moved into the basement. He wished his dad would’ve made him move down there sooner. It would’ve been much easier to sneak dates in when he was in high school.

His room was clean—pretty cliché for a basement-converted room. He had a couch and a whole entertainment system: TV, VCR and stereo. He had a built-in desk with shelves that housed his trophies and various ribbons he’d collected from sports and swimming over the years.

One of Eddie’s burning internal questions was answered as soon as they entered Steve’s lair: where he was going to sleep. “You can sleep on the couch,” Steve said. “It’s pretty comfortable. I got some extra pillows and blankets in my closet.”

Eddie nodded. It looked comfortable, even though he was sure his thighs would stick to that leather in the middle of the night like gum on a school bus seat on a hot day. The couch was set up in front of a nice TV and a large cabinet with glass doors that held the latest Sony system on the market. No Nintendo, though. Eddie suspected Steve was probably too cool for that sort of thing.

Steve went over to his closet. It was really organized. It had all his past uniforms, his letterman jacket, and his Hawkins High gear that he had collected throughout his four years. He grabbed a blanket and pillow while Eddie eyed the room. He knew he’d have something to say about the study hard poster. Eddie skimmed his palms along the smooth, wood-panelled walls of Steve’s bedroom. He was already feeling more like himself again. “So, this is where the great King Steve lays his head every night,” Eddie said grandly, spreading his arms as he looked around. He was polite enough not to touch anything immediately, though his fingers were already itching to snoop. “I was expecting a big red canopy, if I’m honest. Maybe some golden tassels.”

“Not sure what kind of fantasies you’ve had involving red canopies and gold tassels… but my room isn’t that.” Steve had a regular wooden bed frame with a full mattress and a plaid bedspread. It was nothing fancy, but that really must be what Eddie thought for him to be so descriptive. Steve’s room was almost cute in its typical teenage boyishness. There was nothing really out of the ordinary. It was tidy. There weren’t even any weird smells. Very wholesome.

Eddie noticed a little shrine with all of Steve’s sports achievements, a picture of a red sports car, a bowling pin lamp, and a few posters of half-nude women on the walls. He stopped by one in particular and rocked back on his heels, eyeing Steve’s back as he searched through his closet. “Yup, that’s definitely how I get all straight D’s. Studying hard.”

Steve snickered at Eddie’s joke. He turned around swiftly and caught Eddie’s gaze. He gave him a dirty grin. “That explains why you haven’t graduated and why I didn’t get into college.”

Steve was pretty horny most of the time. He got distracted easily and spent more time chasing tail than he did on his homework. He got lots of D’s. It looked like they had that in common.

No straight man should look at another man wearing that sort of smile. It was unholy. Harrington probably wouldn’t have smiled like that if he knew about Eddie. That was the sort of thing straight jock dudes did, though. A smirk here, an elbow in the side there—shared camaraderie over the chicks they wanted to bang.

Eddie supposed it made sense why Steve was still living in his parents’ basement and working at Family Video if he’d been rejected from college.Eddie followed him into the bathroom without commenting on it, though he wondered how many schools Steve had attempted to get into. How many rejection letters had he received before he gave up?

Maybe Eddie would be doing the same thing once they killed Vecna, cleared him of murder, and he graduated high school. Ha.

Steve took the linens over to the couch, and Eddie stepped backwards hastily when Steve passed him and set them on the cushions. “Let me show you the bathroom.”

Luckily, Steve had his own bathroom, and Eddie wouldn’t have to go upstairs if he had to use it. It was kind of small and had no tub, but it had a spacious shower where he stored his various hair products.

“I think there’s an extra toothbrush,” Steve said as he opened one of the vanity drawers. He dug around a bit and found it, then set it on the counter. “Was kind of saving it, you know, in case a date forgot hers, but that hasn’t happened in a while. You can have it.”

He hadn’t found anyone worth bringing back to his place. His car, though… that was different.

Eddie looked at the toothbrush. It was still in its packaging, purple and turquoise, with a small head of bristles. How long was a while? This toothbrush had probably only been here for a few weeks, max.

“Um, thanks,” Eddie said, feeling a slight flare of irritation in his gut that he didn’t fully understand, a tick forming between his brows as his brain supplied him with a visual of some perky cheerleader type brushing her teeth in there. “Not really my color, though. More of a pink girl myself.”

Some things took Steve a few seconds to process. He let out a delayed chuckle after Eddie’s joke. In his few interactions with Eddie, he could see just how silly he was.

He meant a lot to Dustin, too… While he’d still insist he wasn’t jealous, that Dustin was the catalyst, he was right a lot. Steve could see Eddie’s innocence. He was starting to warm up and understand Eddie’s appeal.

There was sweetness in his eyes that Steve couldn’t deny when looking into them. There was a rawness to him, too. When he spoke about Chrissy, there was terror in his voice and a horrified expression on his face. Eddie had knocked down walls Steve hadn’t known he had up.

He was just being nice, right? Because he wasn’t the bully that he used to be. He had come a long way since then. He was a nice guy.

“You can borrow some of my clothes. We’ll wash yours.” They looked a little grimy. “Probably hasn’t been too comfortable sleeping in your jacket.”

With it being early March in Indiana, it was practically still winter there. That was another reason Steve felt better about Eddie not being in the boathouse anymore. He didn’t have to sleep in uncomfortable leather and a jean vest, as badass as it looked. He’d never tell Eddie he thought that, though. Steve envied Eddie’s shiny and tough style over his dull, preppy one.

Eddie guessed he probably reeked. He hadn’t done a pit check but had been wearing the same outfit for a long time. Being scared shitless probably hadn’t helped his aroma. He’d attempted to wash his underwear in the lake, but that had gone as well as expected.

Steve brushed past Eddie just to get out of the small space, and Eddie stepped backwards again like a startled fawn, back hitting the door. The soft material of Steve’s shirt still brushed against the roughness of his jean jacket, the warmth of his body heat palpable. Steve smelled like coconuts on a goddamn tropical island again.

For not showering in a couple of days, Eddie didn’t smell bad, Steve thought. “That’s it for the tour. You think you’ll be alright? I shouldn’t be gone too long. I’ll be back before Mom finishes dinner. I can bring you something to eat after I eat with her,” he promised.

He knew Eddie had been hungry this morning, so he would probably like a home-cooked meal.

“I’ll be fine, man,” Eddie replied, feeling skittish over all the catering Steve was doing to make sure he was comfortable. Hell, even offering him his mom’s cooking. Eddie went and sat down on the leather couch, stretching his arms along the back and spreading his legs to show just how okay he’d be. His knee jiggling up and down was his only tell. “Appreciate you letting me crash. You know, putting your ass on the line. Harboring a fugitive and all.” There was a question in Eddie’s eyes as he observed Steve. Why are you doing this? Was it really possible that Harrington was just… a decent guy? Hmm.

“You didn’t do anything wrong,” Steve reiterated because it sounded like Eddie needed reassurance. There was no doubt in Steve’s mind that he was doing the right thing. Getting thanked was unnecessary.

Steve didn’t see him as a monster or guilty of a crime. He was a friend of a friend and deserved a fighting chance against something that had reared its ugly head again and nearly destroyed Hawkins. Anything Steve could do to help, he would do for his friends.

He saw how badly Eddie’s knee was jiggling, so Steve reached down and forced it to stop. Eddie didn’t have to be nervous anymore.

Eddie stilled. The heat from Steve’s hand was still radiating through his knee, making it buzz and tingle in the aftermath. Eddie looked down because that was unexpected, and so was the fluttering in his stomach like he’d just eaten a butterfly. He didn’t feel anxious, though.

Steve gave him a reassuring squeeze. “We got this,” he said, letting go and meeting Eddie’s eyes as he straightened back up.

Eddie swallowed. Steve sounded so confident in Eddie’s innocence and their ability to beat the monster. It was actually… comforting.

Steve walked over to the sliding glass doors and started to let himself out. “Be back soon,” he promised.

Once outside, he flashed Eddie a small smile through the window.

Steve's smile was like a blanket settling around Eddie’s shoulders. Eddie could only nod back at him. He wasn’t sure what his face did—if he smiled back at Steve or just looked dumbstruck.

Steve headed to the car, and Eddie sunk into the couch more and curved his shoulders, blowing a breath. “What was that?” he asked himself, bewildered. He looked down at his fluttering stomach in suspicion. "Why are you acting like that?"

Had that Yoo-hoo been expired? Was he sick?

Shaking it off and feeling oodles calmer, Eddie stood up again. The urge to snoop was strong again, but his feelings over invading Steve’s privacy had changed somehow in the last few minutes. It wasn’t right. Eddie would only do surface -level snooping.

But first, a little freshening up. * Eddie closed the bathroom door and locked it, just in case Mrs. Harrington came home while he was in there and decided to do something wildly inappropriate, like walk in while her son was in the shower. Eddie didn’t know the Harrington family. Maybe they were weird like that.

After fucking around a bit with the unfamiliar plumbing, he managed to turn the shower on and adjusted the water until it was screaming hot. Steve’s hot water actually worked, unlike theirs. Nice.

Eddie stripped off his clothes. His shirt stuck to his skin as he pulled it off. He left his pile of stinkies beside the laundry basket instead of in it, unsure if Harrington would appreciate him mixing them in with his own clothes.

The hot shower felt glorious . Eddie groaned, tilting his head back and gargling some fresh water. He spit it out in an arc like a fountain just because he could. His hair flattened to his head, all dirt and crustiness washing out down the drain.

Eddie picked up one of the bottles on the shelf and gave it a look. “Fabergé Organics Wheat Germ Oil and Honey,” he read out loud, eyebrow quirking in amusement. “Is this his secret?”

He popped the cap and gave it a sniff. It was pleasant and mild, but not the coconut he’d smelled earlier.

Eddie didn’t normally use conditioner—he used a two-in-one that worked as shampoo and body wash—and quite frankly, he didn’t understand its purpose, but he decided to use Steve’s. Eddie’s hair was matted worse than a junkyard dog’s, and Steve wasn’t called “The Hair” for nothing. He knew a thing or two.

When he was all cleaned up, and his hair was feeling frighteningly silky, Eddie turned off the shower. He stepped out, drying his feet on the mat and wrapping the towel from the hook around his waist. He unlocked the door, opened it a crack, and listened for any activity. When he heard nothing, he emerged.

Steve had said he could borrow some clothes, so Eddie went to his dresser and pulled open the drawers. He rifled through a bunch of overly starchy collared shirts and colored striped shirts before he found a black Ghostbusters one that looked threadbare and comfortable. It said I’VE BEEN SLIMED in green, goopy lettering underneath the No-Ghost logo. Eddie cackled in amusement and pulled it on with a pair of cotton, plaid pajama bottoms.

He didn’t poke through Steve’s boxer drawer because he was a gentleman and not creepy. Going commando was more comfortable, anyway.

He did have a poke around in Steve’s closet. His brain stalled when he saw the old green and white letterman jacket. Eddie traced the fabric H on the front, and before his brain fully caught up with what he was doing, he took it off the hanger and slid it on.

Steve had a mirror above his dresser, so Eddie caught his reflection. He did a slow three-sixty, and his heart fucking pitter-pattered. He laughed at himself. He was so painfully pathetic sometimes “Get a grip, man. Jesus Christ.”

When he was younger and much more of a boy-crazy idiot than he was today, in the most private chamber of his mind, he’d imagined what it would be like to stroll down the hallways at school on the arm of a jock.

He’d imagined how it would feel to be popular and coveted, to wear a letterman jacket that was a bit too big for him (because muscles, unfortunately, were something Eddie had never acquired, jamming on his guitar and roleplaying in his friends’ basements).

He’d wondered how it would feel to receive a rose, like all the cheerleaders did, on Valentine’s Day when Cupid came around to each class. One particularly drunken evening, he’d even dreamt he was a cheerleader cheering on his baller boyfriend at a game, right next to Chrissy Cunningham herself.

The fact that he’d fantasized about any of that and liked it infuriated him. He hated jocks, and they hated him.

Luckily, those fantasies faded after a year of being bullied by said jocks. Or so he thought. One ex-jock was turning out to be nicer than any of the ones he’d had the displeasure of associating with.

Eddie touched the H again, looking down at it. He shrugged the jacket off and put it back on one of the empty hangers, shutting the closet door. He couldn’t remember if that was the same hanger he’d taken it from. Still, it wasn’t likely Steve would notice such a small detail unless he kept a meticulous closet inventory or something.

Eddie went to the stereo and started flipping through Steve’s cassette collection to pass the time. As expected, most of it wasn’t real music, but…

“Oh,” Eddie said, delighted. Madonna. “Do you like The Queen of Pop, or do you just use this to woo the chickadees?” Either way, it made him grin.

Eddie almost put Madonna in, but Billy Idol was already in the deck when he popped it open, so he closed it and pressed play. Eyes Without A Faceblasted through the speakers. Eddie flailed and turned the dial down so it played on volume three instead of nineteen. It was in the middle of the song, one of the sadder ones on the album.

“Hm,” said Eddie curiously.

The shower had helped loosen his tense muscles, but to fully relax, he always needed a little help from his friend.

Eddie drummed his fingers on the top of the stereo. “If I was a well-mannered rich boy, where would I hide Mary Jane?”

Eddie checked Steve’s desk first, flipping through his stacks of books. He didn’t find any hollow ones.

Next, he searched Steve’s VHS cabinet. He had a small collection. Eddie guessed Steve had watched enough movies at Family Video that he didn’t need too many at home. He had a copy of Fast Times at Ridgemont High, which looked particularly abused, its case worn out. But no weed.

Damn it. It was probably in his car somewhere, if he had any.

Eddie checked a few other potential hiding places but froze when he heard a car pulling up in the driveway. He heard a door slam and then another—the floor creaking. A female voice called out, muffled by the distance.

“Stevie?”

Silence.

Eddie turned the stereo down one more notch and, not knowing what else to do, went to sit on Steve’s bed, hands clasped on his knees. He didn’t know if he should hide, but if Steve’s mom came down, he could always say that Steve was on his way home and Eddie was… a friend of his? Sleeping over?

Hopefully, the police hadn’t released his name and picture yet, or Mrs. Harrington didn’t pay attention to the news. Fuck, he needed to watch the news tonight.

Eddie waited a few minutes, biting his thumbnail, but Mrs. Harrington didn’t come to the basement. Eddie heard what could have been pots and pans clanging from the far side of the house, so it sounded like she was making dinner.

Travelling back to the couch to lie down suddenly seemed exhausting as fuck. He’d go in a minute.

Releasing a sigh, Eddie fell backwards. His head hit the pillow, damp curls fanning out around it. There were too many thoughts in his head again and more threatening to come up, so he tried to focus on his other senses. He smelled cooking meat in the air and traces of coconut from Steve’s pillow.

Steve’s bed had the Goldilocks of mattresses. Not too hard, not too soft. Eddie released another sigh, his eyes and his body growing heavy.

“Fuck me, I’m tired…”

#steddie #steve harrington #eddie munson #steve x eddie #steddie fic #steddiebang23 #stranger things #stranger things fanfic

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roseofdarknessblog · 1 year ago

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When Two Become Three (Reiner Braun x Marleyan!Reader)

Word count: 4 546

Disclaimer: english is not my first language, I apologize in advance for any mistakes

TW: mentions of birth trauma, postpartum depression

Summary: After welcoming your precious little daughter into the new world, you and Reiner thought life would finally be perfect. However, the worst weeks of your lives were yet to come.

This story can be read on its own or as a part of my little post-war series: House by the ocean

When Two Become Three

„You did great, I’m so proud of you,“ Reiner said, leaning closer and kissing your sweat-covered forehead while brushing strands of hair out of your face. At the same time, he was attentively watching the midwife who was cleaning up your crying and screaming newborn.

A beautiful, healthy-looking baby girl whose arrival you were expecting for the last nine months.

„I thought it would be... easier,“ you breathed out, closing your eyes with the most intense feeling of exhaustion ever. Just a few hours back you couldn’t imagine going through so much psychical pain. And now here you were. Already adjusting to a new reality in which you and Reiner finally became parents. „At least a little bit.“

„It doesn’t matter now, you did an amazing job. I’ll never be able to thank you enough for this.“ His every word was full of almost unimaginable happiness. And that made you feel so much comfort, you almost wanted to cry.

„Nothing to thank me for,“ you said, still clutching his hand tightly. He was here the entire time, right by your side. Holding your hand, supporting you, and never once letting you feel alone in your most painful moments. To be honest, he did better than you expected. „I love you.“

With a smile, he kissed you again. „I love you more.“ His eyes told you more than words ever could. You’ve never seen him this happy. „And I can’t wait to take both of you home.“

There was so much you wanted to say to him. But all you could think about now was finally getting some rest. The last months were merciless on your body and mind. You had to face so many ups and downs, that you were more than grateful when you went into labor. You knew, that the end was in sight and that soon you will get your happy ever after with Reiner and your long-awaited addition to your little family.

„Do you still want to name her after your mom?“

You nodded, closing your eyes again for a short moment. „If it’s okay with you.“ There were some baby names both of you liked, but a few weeks ago you came to an agreement. If you have a girl, you are going to name her after your late mother, who you missed dearly even after so many years. She died only a couple of days after your seventh birthday. From that day forward, it was only you and your father – a former Marleyan soldier. „I think Maya Braun sounds pretty nice.“

„Couldn’t think of a better name.“

It all seemed like one crazy dream. The very moment when the midwife placed your baby in your arms, the whole world around you stopped. Reiner sat down on the edge of the bed, helping you sit up a little better. With one arm around your shoulders, he only had eyes for his baby girl, who was still fussing and crying a little. As you looked at your partner, you could see tears in his eyes as well, while a content smile settled on his lips.

„She has so much hair,“ Reiner said, carefully smoothing back her thick blonde hair, which looked like his own. Just like her nose and lips were very similar to her father’s. „I didn’t expect it.“

„She looks so much like you already,“ you said proudly and with a peaceful expression on your face.

All bad memories of your pregnancy were instantly gone, when you looked at her. In the end, everything was worth it. All those sleepless nights, nausea, body aches, raging emotions, and so on. Everything, that made you think you’ll never want to get pregnant again, brought you the happy ending you were living right now.

„You can’t even imagine how much I love her.“

„I can believe me,“ you assured Reiner with a quiet laugh, gently stroking your daughter’s cheek. Your daughter. Your and Reiner’s – the perfect combination of you both. The sweetest little miracle and the purest outcome of your love. „Because I know just how much you love me.“

Reiner lovingly kissed the top of your head, before he pressed his lips to your daughter’s tiny forehead. „I promise to give you the whole world and never, ever let anyone hurt you, Maya. My little Maya.“ Surviving the end of the world and enduring all that pain, which came with healing your traumas, was so worth it. If only for this single magical moment alone.

You could have stayed right in that moment for the rest of your life. With just Reiner and your beautiful baby girl, who already made you the happiest person in the whole wide world. After everything important was taken care of and both you and the baby seemed to be okay, all the hospital personnel finally left the three of you alone. And that was all you wanted. A calm moment spent in your partner’s arms, with your daughter cradled against your chest. Reiner was holding her hand, Maya’s tiny fingers curled around her daddy’s thumb.

„I’m so tired,“ you said, better leaning your head against Reiner’s shoulder. A huge wave of exhaustion washed over you, as chills ran down your spine. When you tried to tilt your head back and look at Reiner, you suddenly felt awfully dizzy.

„Take a nap if you want to, I’ll take care of her,“ Reiner said. You could hear the confidence in his voice, which made you smile. But when you tried to open your eyes once again, you simply didn’t have the strength. It was almost too much to even hand Maya over to Reiner safely.

You’ve never before felt so weak and disoriented, so out of reality. As if everything around you was happening behind a thick curtain made solely out of pain and misery.

„I... Reiner, I... don’t feel good,“ you got out in a weak voice, while another dizzy spell caught you off guard and almost made you throw up.

„You look really pale all of a sudden.“

Even talking became too much work, while Reiner kept asking you one question after another. You heard him talking, but not well enough to make out his words. All you could hear properly was your pounding heart and your daughter crying somewhere in her father’s arms.

Maybe it was just your imagination, but you could feel death looming around you, ready to take you away from Reiner and your daughter. Now, after so much trouble you went through just to have this almost too-perfect life with Reiner, it was your time to die. After surviving everything from your past, you simply didn’t deserve a happy ending.

Before you lost consciousness, you could hear Reiner frantically yelling for the midwife and the doctors, while Maya was screaming at the top of her lungs.

„Here, eat this,“ said Karina kindly, while helping you to sit up and handing you a bowl of freshly cooked warm vegetable soup. It smelled amazing, but even thinking about food made you feel sick.

„I’m really grateful, but I can’t even think about eating right now,“ you said, leaning your back against the headboard of the bed – your bed, in your home. After so many days in the hospital, it was more than nice to finally be here. To even have the opportunity to lay in your own bed. „Maybe later.“

She furrowed her brows. „You have to take care of yourself and eat properly to gain your strength back. Otherwise, you simply won’t recover. And what then? Do you really want to leave Reiner alone with your child?“

„Please...“ you breathed out in frustration. She meant it well, you knew that. All she wanted to do, was to help you, her son, and her little granddaughter. „I promise I’ll eat later. Right now I want to sleep some more, the night was rough. Maya was crying every hour or so.“

„I know, I was here,“ she reminded you, reaching for your hands. „Look, Y/N. I don’t want to boss you around or anything. I’m just worried about Reiner and Maya.“ You nodded, looking your soon-to-be mother-in-law in the eyes. Slowly, your relationship with Karina got better during your pregnancy. Even Reiner was able to solve many problems he and his mother had in the past. And now you were so grateful for it because she was a huge help to you both. „They both need you so much, you have to keep that in mind.“

„I’m doing my best,“ you said and looked at the empty crib under the window on Reiner’s side of the bed. It made sense to put it there since he was the one always waking up to take Maya out when she was crying or fussing. „Where are they?“

„In the garden, it’s really nice outside today,“ Karina said with a smile.

You nodded and laid back down, turning your back to her. It was nothing personal, you were simply too exhausted and overwhelmed to even talk to someone for more than a few minutes. Even when it came to your partner and daughter, whose crying often irritated you to the point that angry tears started running down your cheeks as well.

It wasn’t her fault, you knew that. She was barely a month old and there was no other way for her to tell you or Reiner, that she wanted or needed something. But when you sometimes took her from Reiner or Karina and tried to calm her down without their help, you became angry with yourself when she simply wouldn’t stop crying.

You knew, that it was your fault.

She still wasn’t used to you. She never got the chance to spend her first days of life with you – her mother. She only had her father and grandmother. Yes, they took excellent care of her, especially Reiner, who took on the role of a father with ease and confidence.

After all, he had no other chance.

With you nearly bleeding out after giving birth, and then spending almost three weeks battling different complications on the brink of life and death, he needed to care for Maya only with the help of his mother. All of that, while spending many hours in the hospital by your side, so you wouldn’t feel alone. Sometimes he even spent the night by your hospital bed, holding your hand as if his life depended on it for long hours and telling you, over and over again, how you simply need to fight and get better.

He made sure, every possible way he could, that you get better and get to come home. To him and your daughter. If it wasn’t for him, his pleas and pain-filled tears, or his love and devotion to you... you would probably never make it.

The last month was a rough challenge for your little family. You felt angry with yourself because you weren’t able to tend to your daughter alone. There was always a need for somebody else to help you or watch over you. Just in case you needed something or you suddenly didn’t feel well again. Your whole life was turned upside down and everything was falling apart. Piece by piece.

Your heart was broken and filled with so much unimaginable pain and sorrow.

Because even after surviving such a traumatic experience, you simply couldn’t return back to normal. Your mind didn’t let you. Instead of that, it always made sure you feel tired, angry, useless, irritated, anxious, uncomfortable, and many similar emotions. Always just the very worst ones.

„You can join them if you’d like. I can help you get changed into something else or brush your hair.“

„No, thank you,“ you said and hugged the nearest pillow to your chest.

Even taking care of yourself became harder than ever before. You simply had no desire to do anything. Sometimes even turning around in bed required too much energy. And why would you even care about something like that? After all, you spent every single day shut away in the bedroom, barely coming out to the kitchen or to the garden. Not even the news about a couple of ducklings hatching made you feel excited.

„Y/N...“ Karina said and put her hand on your shoulder, squeezing it gently.

„Can you leave me alone, please? I’m really tired.“

You didn’t want to be mean to hear. All you needed, was peace and quiet. Yesterday, today, tomorrow, and probably many other days to come. And Karina knew it too. That’s why she eventually left you alone, leaving the bowl of amazingly smelling soup on the bedside table. For just a moment, you thought about eating at least a couple of spoons. But before you did, tears rolled down your cheeks and all you managed to do, was cry until your eyes were burning.

A couple of hours went by until someone came to check on you once again. And even though you had your back to the door, you immediately knew, that it was Reiner. He quietly made his way to the bed and sat down on the edge of the mattress.

„Hey, how are you feeling, darling?“ he asked carefully, running his hand up and down your back. „Did you eat at least a little bit?“ You shook your head, your eyes landing on the soup bowl Karina brought you a couple of hours ago.

„Maybe later.“

With a quiet sigh, he leaned closer and kissed your cheek. „You always say that and then barely eat anything. We both know this can’t go on like this. I’m really worried about you.“

He had every right to worry and that made you feel even worse. You never wanted him to burden himself with your problems. Not, when he still had a fair share of his own troubles. Because even if both of you tried your hardest, shadows from your past still kept chasing after you. And sometimes they caught up to you and made sure, that you suffer through all of your traumas once again.

„Did we get any mail today?“ you asked and looked at Reiner with so much hope in your tired eyes. „Or yesterday? Anything you forgot to tell me about... maybe.“

Reiner gently caressed your cheek and carefully helped you sit up. If anything, your body hurt less and less every day. All you needed now, was energy to get back into your everyday routine. And that you simply did not have. Not yet.

„No mail, love. I’m really sorry,“ he said and carefully wrapped his strong arms around you. „Did you...“

„Yes, I did.“

You really were stupid enough to think, that your near-death experience, would finally change your father’s mind. It wasn’t you, who told him about everything that happened. At first, you didn’t even know about it. However, Reiner did send him a letter in which he wrote about everything you went through. And in that letter... he begged him to come and see you, while you were still in the hospital fighting for your life.

Back then, during the darkest days of your life, even Reiner hoped, that your father would finally give in. That he would look past the fact, that his only daughter moved away from Marley with an Eldian she fell in love with a long while before the Rumbling. From that day forward, he didn’t speak to you – never answered any of your letters and didn’t even want to meet with you, when you gathered the courage to return to Marley. After a week of knocking on the door of his new home, you returned back to Reiner with unimaginable pain in your heart.

„I know you don’t want to hear it, but maybe it’s finally time to...“

„No, stop!“ you interrupted him, resting your head on his shoulder. „You don’t get it, Reiner. I know you mean well, but you simply can’t imagine how I feel.“ You were more than grateful, that he tried and contacted your father on your behalf. He did everything in his power to help you.

„I’m so sorry,“ he whispered and kissed the top of your head. „But I don’t think there is anything we can do at this point.“

„I’ll go see him again,“ you said without thinking. „And I won’t leave until he talks to me. So sooner or later...“

„No, no, no. Don’t even think about such things,“ Reiner said and cupped your cheeks, so you had to look at him. „You’re not going anywhere, Y/N. Right now, you have to focus on your own health and on raising our daughter. Maya needs you way more than your father. You know that. Our daughter has to be our top priority right now.“

„I don’t...“ you swallowed hard before you could continue and say what you wanted to get out so desperately. For such a long time. „I don’t want to be like him, Reiner. He gave up on me, but I don’t want to give up on him. That’s why I keep trying over and over again. Because I want to be a better person than him.“ Saying those words aloud was painful but liberating at the same time. „And because I still love him, even after almost two years of not hearing a word from him.“

Sometimes the worst possible thoughts came plaguing your mind. What if something happened to him? What if he was... already on the other side with your mother? Similar thought made you cry many times. You couldn’t imagine never getting the chance to talk everything out with him.

But then... none of your letters ever returned back. So they had to be delivered to the person they were addressed to. Maybe he even read them, just never had the interest or desire to replay.

„You are trying for almost two years,“ Reiner said in a calm voice, his thumbs gently drawing little circles on your cheeks. „And you should let it go. At least for now, love. I don’t want you to get sick again. Not over someone, who didn’t even care when you were on the brink of death.“

He never showed how angry he was at your father. Not until now. Not until your life was truly at stake and you needed your father by your side. You spent many nights in the hospital crying, because you wanted him there. You wanted to see him maybe just one last time.

„All I want is for you to get better and finally feel like yourself again. Y/N, our daughter is here, she is absolutely perfect and she needs you. You know I love taking care of her and spending every moment with her, but she needs a mother. She needs you.“

I nodded, leaning against Reiner. „I feel so guilty about everything. About not being here for her from the very start, when she needed a mother more than anyone else.“

Reiner kissed your forehead. „That was not your fault. You didn’t ask for any of the complications you went through.“

No, you didn’t. But you took too long to recover. To even be able to see your daughter again and hold her for a couple of minutes without Reiner needing to help you. You took too long to come home from the hospital. And even after that... even today... you were still just watching from the sideline. You didn’t feel like you were living your life, it was actually slipping right through your fingers. All of the most beautiful moments a woman should experience when becoming a mother were passing by you.

„If I help you, will you come outside for a while? You need to get some fresh air and sunlight,“ Reine tried, kissed your forehead, and crawled onto the bed to sit behind you. Before you could say something, he started skillfully braiding your hair like many times before. „You should check out the new ducklings. They won’t stay tiny for a long time, you know that.“

„What if you brought them here? It wouldn’t be the first time we had ducks in the house,“ you said with a smile, which surprised you. It was genuine and that didn’t happen in a long time.

„No, you need to come outside for a while,“ Reiner insisted, giving you a kiss behind your left ear. „Maybe you could sit down with Maya while she sleeps, watch your beloved ocean and so. Or maybe you could try to paint something. We need more of your stunning art in this house.“

„Yeah? Where would you like to put another one of my paintings? We already have them everywhere.“

„Still not enough,“ he laughed and asked you for a hair tie to secure the braid he created faster than you ever could.

You thought for a moment longer, but ultimately let Reiner help you change into one of your most comfortable dresses and lead you to the garden. Hand in hand, you slowly made your way through your house, until the first rays of sunshine landed on your skin.

Reiner kept his other arm around your waist, just to make sure you are extra safe until you slowly lowered yourself onto the pretty comfortable garden chair. Even then he held your hand and knelt down in front of you, making sure you were feeling okay after walking.

„You really don’t need to obsess over me this much, I’m feeling better, Reiner,“ you assured him, cupping his cheeks and leaning in for a kiss. „I don’t want you watching my every step. When I need something, I’ll tell you.“

You knew he only wanted the best for you, just like his mother did. But you also needed your own space to move and breathe, and to finally fall back into the rhythm of everyday life – new life.

„I just want you to be safe, that’s all. I can’t imagine...“ When his voice broke, you felt as if a giant hand squeezed your heart. „I don’t want to relive those moments shortly after you gave birth and everything went downhill. I don’t want to sit by your bed and cry my eyes out every night, because I was so certain that I’m going to lose you. I was terrified that Maya will never know her mother and that I’ll be everything she’ll have left.“

„Reiner...“ you said his name in a quiet voice, running your fingers through his hair. It got a bit longer over the weeks he spent caring solely for his daughter or you.

„You know I’m trying really hard. Trying to change and finally leave the past behind. But in moments like these I... I break all over again because I can’t imagine losing anybody else. Not after Paradis or the Rumbling. Not after Bertholdt, Marcel, Porco...“

„Shhh, it’s okay. It’s okay, Reiner. Everything’s fine, that was a long while ago and you’re not going to lose anybody else, I promise. Not me, okay? I’m not going anywhere.“

Sometimes... sometimes it was still like this. Similar moments did come and go, leaving Reiner in tears and with thousands of regrets in his head. He still had nightmares and moments, when he just lost it. When he cried, screamed, and even raged over his past. There still were days, when he didn’t talk to you because uttering a single word was terribly hard and energy-consuming.

But you accepted it and loved him regardless.

While your nightmares about the Rumbling slowly started to disappear and you could feel your own wounds from the past slowly heal up, his were still open and bleeding. Just not that intensively and not all the time. He was getting better... definitely, you could see it every single day, but despite that, he still had a pretty long road ahead of him.

That’s why you were so grateful, that he was able to care for Maya with such devotion and love. Never, not even once, did you hear from him or Karina, that he wouldn’t be able to handle something regarding his newborn daughter. Despite his own suffering, he was already the best father your little girl could ever ask for.

You gently rubbed his back, while Reiner rested his forehead on your knees, as he was still kneeling in front of you. Karina was watching the both of you from the other end of the garden. And there in her arms was your precious little miracle. Probably soundly asleep and not hearing any of this. Thankfully.

„I love you so much, you have no idea,“ you said, when Reiner lifted his head and looked you in the eyes. His were visibly tired and brimmed with tears at that moment, but otherwise... otherwise they were full of gratitude like never before.

When his big warm hands got hold of yours and when he leaned in for a long and loved-filled kiss, you simply knew everything would be okay once again. Despite everything – your own health, your father, Reiner’s mental issues, and so on. In that one single kiss, you could taste your whole future. And oh, was it beautiful and filled with nothing but happiness.

Karina watched you carefully and when the both of you turned to her with a smile, she came closer and handed you your daughter, leaving the three of you alone in the garden. Reiner’s eyes filled with tears once more, as he watched you cradle the sleeping baby against your chest with the faintest smile on your lips.

„My girls,“ he said proudly and caressed Maya’s little back. She was so tiny in comparison to her father, that it made you laugh out loud. Probably the first time since you gave birth a month ago. „I missed hearing your laugh,“ he said, seated in the grass and leaning against your legs.

„And I missed laughing,“ you admitted quietly, looked down, and kissed the top of your daughter’s head. Her hair became an even lighter shade of blonde, now perfectly mimicking her father’s hair color. „It still feels... strange. Holding her like this and not feeling that sick or weak anymore.“

It was obvious that Reiner wanted to say something, but he chose to stay quiet. Instead of talking, he just marveled at the beauty of his own little family. Right there, both of you finally felt at peace with how life turned out. Despite your mind still being plagued with many painful thoughts, you were able to enjoy the fact, that you are now a mother for probably the very first time.

Your daughter was more than perfect. She was the best possible outcome of your and Reiner’s love and she was your promise for a brighter future. Because when you looked down at her, studying her adorable sleeping face, you knew how important it was to fight and never give up. She was here and she needed you. She deserved to live a happy life with both of her parents loving her unconditionally.

She deserved to feel loved and safe in a world you and Reiner never knew as kids. And it was up to the two of you, to show and teach her, just how beautiful life can be. Even during the most painful and darkest days.

#reiner braun #reiner braun x reader #reiner braun x you #aot x reader #aot x you #attack on titan #snk #shingeki no kyojin

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elisysd · 1 year ago

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34. Don’t get too close, it’s dark inside, it’s where my demons hide

Masterlist - Previously - Next

TW: depression / bullying / dark thoughts

Chapter soundtrack: Demons - Imagine Dragons

Coming out of Ethan’s flat she threw up. Her ears were ringing, her legs were barely carrying her and she felt sick in her stomach. She felt used, she felt stupid, she felt neglected, she felt naive. Things she thought she would never feel. She sat down on the floor, a few meters away from his building and let a mix of strangled cries escape her throat. She wanted to disappear. She pulled out her phone and called the first person that popped into her mind and who answered in the next minute.

“Julia?” Romy’s surprised voice could be heard from the other side of the line.

“I’m stupid, I was so stupid to trust him, Romy.” Julia cried.

“What? What is happening? Julia, where are you?”

“Ethan… he… we… fought. Again. It’s all we’ve been doing lately. And I don’t know how to communicate. We don’t know. We… We are only hurting each other. And it hurts so bad, Romy. This is not what I thought love would feel like. Why does it have to hurt like that?”

“Julia… you are worrying me. You don’t make any sense. Please, just breathe. Tell me everything from the start. Can you do that for me?”

And she did. She told her every single thing that happened. She told her about her fears and insecurities. She told her about what she felt and when it was finally over, Julia had no tears left to cry. She felt empty. Exhausted.

“I’m going to commit murder. I’m going to find him and tell him what a poor excuse of a man he is”

“I’m responsible too… I mean, I understand why he reacts that way… I’ve not always been the most reliable girl around him and..”

“You didn’t have to be! It was not as if you were in a real relationship at the time. He can’t hold it against you no matter how he might have felt. You felt a connection with Martin, you explored it. And I can’t blame you! He is a snack! But you made a choice, you chose him. Him not Martin! He can’t keep on doubting you or he is going to lose you. And I wouldn’t blame you for ditching him. He acts like an ass with you.”

“He doesn’t know how to deal with our situation and to be honest, I don’t know either.”

“But you want and you try to make it work, Julia. That’s the difference. And it’s telling.”

They kept on talking until Julia finally calmed down and breathed better. When they hung up, Julia had received several messages of her mom but also from Kat, something unusual. She opened them, curious and when she read that Ethan’s mom was asking her if she could go to her son after he found himself in the middle of a fight in a bar. Julia couldn’t believe what she was reading and her first instinct was to check the media and indeed, he was everywhere. She couldn’t hear what it was about but seeing pure rage on Ethan’s face, she knew it was not nothing. And finally, she recognised the group of men he was with and she felt anxiety rising in her throat again. Leroy. The guy that tormented her and made her feel like she was not worthy of being loved. Suddenly she remembered how Ethan was somehow friends with him and his group and she wanted to throw up again.

Every time she was hitting a new low and thought it couldn’t get worse, life managed to prove her wrong. Her legs still shaking a little, she got up and went back to his flat where she sat in front of his door, waiting for him. She felt stupid to still care about him and to make sure he was okay after how he treated her, but she couldn’t help it. She didn’t have to wait for long as his silhouette soon appeared, still visibly angry. When he noticed her, he stopped dead in his tracks. She was the last person he expected to see today.

“I thought you would have left.”

“I came back.” she replied.

“Why?”

“Because your mom texted me about you getting in trouble.”

He sighed, opening the door and entering the flat, closely followed by Julia. He went to the kitchen, to get a glass of water that he also served to her and sat next to her on one of the tools. He quickly checked his phone to see a few missed calls from Ashley and he didn’t dare to open the social media to know how bad it was. The media were going to have a field day with this story.

“What happened?” Julia asked softly.

“I met old acquaintances that are definitely not acquaintances anymore. You never told me you dated Leroy.” he said in a low voice, checking her reaction and when he saw her tensing, he understood that it was a sensitive topic.

“It’s something I want to forget.”

He saw how she started to scratch the skin around her nails, until blood started to form and he took her hand in his to force her to stop.

“Talk to me, Julia…”

“Look who wants to talk when it’s convenient for them…” she mumbled.

“Please… I’ll apologize later I promise but for now, I need you to tell me what he has done to you to make you like that. He said things, Joolsie… mean one.”

She closed her eyes and swallowed hard, her hand still in his as she stood up, making him follow her to the couch.

“He… he made my life hell back then.”

And she told him everything. How Leroy asked her out and seemed sweet at first and how she started to get popular. To have friends that were including her in everything. She went to parties, she was going out, she never questioned Leroy when he asked to meet her dad and how he was always nice and polite. She thought he really loved her. And then how he started to change when she refused to let him touch her where she didn’t want to get touched and how he decided to change his behavior. How he always belittled her for her dreams, how suddenly she was not invited anywhere, how he was distant. How little by little she felt more and more on her own, isolated from everyone until he broke up with her in public, in front of the entire school. And then the insults came, the little comments everyone was making whenever she was answering the teachers’ questions until she stopped talking at school. How she was arriving in the morning anxious and how she was always planning to hide in the restrooms until the bell would ring. How students she didn’t even know were pulling her hair or worse, spit to her face. She told Ethan how the PE classes were the worst. How she was always the last one to be picked when it was time to make teams. And how the changing rooms were the worst, how they were taking pictures of her while she was changing without her knowing to show them to other students. How the kids were stealing her stuff. She had never felt more alone. The teachers knew what was happening but never dared to say anything.

She was less and less herself and more and more closed off. She was not talking anymore, always in her room. She started to get aggressive with her dad and her mom, even with Louis. She was hurt and she knew she should have said something but she started to believe everyone when they were telling her that she was worthless, that she was stupid, that she was ugly, that no one cared about her, that she would only be a burden and that no one would believe her. After all, they were probably right. Who would believe the word of one girl against the word of a whole school? She was ashamed to admit it but came to a point where she contemplated the idea of leaving the world.

“I remember it so clearly Ethan… I had this indoor swing in my room. And I remember how it would be so easy to just hang a rope to the hook. That I would just need to step on the swing and give a nice push and everything would be over. That I would not suffer anymore.” She was crying, barely able to catch her breath as Ethan pulled her more against him, kissing her hair, not knowing what else to do as she kept telling him everything.

One day it had been the last straw. Someone had pushed her in the stairs making her fall from the first floor to the ground floor, right as everyone was leaving the classrooms. She remembered how someone stepped on her arm and how another one gave her intentionally or not a kick in her back. She had not been able to hide that she was limping and the bruises on her skin. And even with visible proof, she tried to lie her way out when her parents confronted her but her parents were not stupid and had not let her do it. So she had told them.

The next day, Charles and Lyanna were in the principal office, threatening to press charges against the school. After hours of discussion and in front of a school that didn’t seem to grasp how bad Julia’s situation was, her parents had decided to get her out of there and to let her be homeschooled. It had taken a lot of therapy sessions and years for her to get back her self-confidence but she had done it. But from this day she had swore to herself that she would never let herself fall for anyone else, traumatized by what had happened.

Silence fell in the room when she finally stopped talking. Ethan didn’t know what to say. He felt guilty and even more than that. He felt like the last of the scumbag. How he treated her, how talked to her… He understood better how she might have felt and he wanted nothing more but to go back in time to erase his words.

“I’m sorry, Julia… and sorry is not enough.” he whispered as if talking louder would make her break.

“I don’t want your pity. It’s the past. What is done is done.”

“No… I’m not sorry about what happened back then, I mean I am but… How I acted towards you recently… and you are still here, with me. You should leave me. I don’t deserve you. And to think that I’ve been friends with Leroy… I saw them being mean to you, I played along… But I swear I didn’t know the extent of it or else…”

“I don’t hold it against you. You were barely there.”

“I should have broken both of his legs and not only his nose.” he said, angry and he felt her chuckling against his chest. “What’s so funny?”

“Nothing, I think it’s just the nerves. I’ve never told anyone this story. Only my mom and my dad knows. Romy knows only a small part.”

“Thank you. For trusting me with that.”

She straightened up and rubbed her eyes as Ethan went back to get her a new glass of water. He was feeling like he understood her better now. The way she seemed always a little bit out of reach, how she was always pushing him away when things were getting a little too intense, her need to stay in control, how she was scared to talk about feelings. Everything seemed clearer now.

“Well there was a lot of emotion today…” she sniffled. “I should probably go home, now… You probably have a whole mess to sort out with that fight and..”

“Stay. I will order take out and we can watch a movie… the damage repairs can wait for tomorrow. I don’t want to face Ashley.”

“And… we talked a lot about me, but you? Are you okay?” she asked, shyly.

“Besides the fact that I regret not having broken both of his legs when I had the chance, I’m good. A little shaken up by what you told me, and I do feel like a gigantic piece of shit right now, but I’m okay. Italian? Fast food? I dream of a greasy burger… It’s been months.” he sighed, taking his phone.

“Not sure if burgers are okay with your diet…”

“If you don’t tell my physio, he won’t know.” he winked at her.

“And while we’re discussing sensitive topics… are you still mad about me not going to South America with you?”

He approached her and knelt down, taking her hands in his.

“Not anymore. I was… mostly because I got used to having you next to me all this time and you told me that after a really shitty weekend so…I overreacted. And I’ve been an ass and really unfair. I shouldn’t have told you how to dress for your parents' wedding. I’m not kidding when I say that I’m bad at this but I want you to know that I’m not trying to hurt you. Really. So if you feel the need to slap me because I act like a dick, please do. I need you to keep me in check.” he explained as she nodded.

“I didn’t dare to because… I think a part of me is still traumatized by what I’ve gone through. I want to be perfect because I want you to be proud of being with me because I’m scared of you leaving me alone. And to relive what happened back then… and it’s stupid because you are not Leroy and I know you wouldn’t do half of what he has done to me. But I can’t help it. I’m way too much in my own head, I know that. And I let my fears get the best of me most of the time. I know I have to work on that but it will take time and in the meanwhile I’m scared that you are going to get tired of me. And before you say anything, I know it’s all in my head.”

“We have a lot of work to do. Both of us. You need to let go of your fear and I need to learn to trust you. Fully. And I need to be more vulnerable. I don’t know how to do that yet, but I promise you, Julia, I’ll alway try my best. Because that’s what you deserve.”

She smiled softly at him as he kissed her forehead before pulling her to him to engulf her in a bear hug.

“You know what? I’m craving a nice and greasy burger too, now.” she mumbled in his t-shirt.

“A nice and greasy burger for the lady it is then.”

They ate in front of a comedy Ethan feeling they needed to laugh and it was very late when Julia started to yawn, tired about her day both physically and emotionally.

“Do you mind taking me back home?” she asked, snuggling against him.

“Or you can spend the night here, you know.”

“I don’t have spare clothes or toiletries with me.”

“It can be arranged. And I want to spend time with you, I’ll need to leave for Milan the day after tomorrow for some simulator work. I just want to enjoy my time with you while I can.”

“In that case, I’ll stay. But no wandering hands… We are sleeping. Real sleep. Nothing else.” she warned him.

“No wandering hands… unless you ask.” he replied with a half-smile.

She rolled her eyes before punching his shoulder playfully. Ethan feigned being hurt as he fell backward in a dramatic way, making her laugh harder. He loved hearing her laugh and even more he liked hearing he laugh knowing it was him who was making her produce this sound. He smiled as he straightened up and took her, delicately in his arms, kissing her lips softly. He didn’t want more than that, he was fine with just kissing her. He took her to his room where he gave her spare clothes and let her change in front of him. He didn’t try to hide how he was checking her out and he saw her blush. He loved it and had to resist the urge to kiss the redness on her skin. He got out of his clothes as well, leaving him in his boxers and slipped under the covers as she soon joined him after a quick detour by the bathroom.

“Come here.” he said, pulling her against him.

“No, you’re too warm. I’m going to be so hot…” she whined.

“You’re already hot, Joolsie.”

“Fuck off. It’s not what I meant.”

He kissed her hair as he pulled her even closer against her will and they soon joined dreamland.

When he woke up the next morning, the bed was cold and her made up pjs was nicely folded on the bed. Ethan was almost scared she had left when he heard a trail of profanities being spoken out loud and coming from the kitchen, quickly followed by the sound of pans falling on the floor. He got up quickly and rushed to where the sound was coming from. She was there, angrily putting the things back in place as she was in the meantime trying to look over the pan. There was a delicious smell of sugar that made Ethan’s mouth watered and he couldn’t help but lean in the doorframe, contemplating her. When she finally turned around, the plate of pancakes in her hand, she jumped at the sight, dropping everything to the floor.

“Fuck!”

Ethan rushed to her side as she was bending to put the shattered pieces and the pancakes away but ended up cutting her fingers and yelping in pain.

“Don’t move, you’re going to make everything worse.” he warned her.

“That’s your fault! You scared me! I wanted to bring breakfast in bed and you ruined it!”

“I’m sorry, schatje.” he said in a laugh.

“You are not! I hate you sometimes and…”

He shut her up by planting a kiss on her lips as he felt her melting in his embrace and let out a content sigh when he felt her hands in his hair. He quickly made her jump in his arms as he carried her on the sofa before letting go of her.

“I need to clean up the mess you made.”

“Technically we should say it’s your mess. It wouldn’t be one if you didn’t scare me.”

“If it makes you feel better, then okay it’s my mess. That I’m going to clean nonetheless. You, you stay there and you don’t move. I’m going to come back to help you with your cut.”

“It’s nothing, Ethan… just a little cut, I had worse.”

“We can’t risk it being infected.”

He heard her complain but decided to ignore her as he proceeded to clean. Once it was done, he went to the bathroom to retrieve his first aid kit and came back. He sat next to her and slowly inspected the cut.

“So, what do you say Doctor Verstappen, am I going to die today?” she asked in irony.

“Well, miss Leclerc, I’m afraid I have to announce to you that your time has not come yet.” he replied, very seriously.

She chuckled as he cleaned her finger and applied a band-aid.

“I hope you’re fine with an astronaut. It’s my mom who bought them”

“I would have loved a unicorn but it’ll do.” she teased him.

He kissed the wound and sat next to her as she snuggled against him.

“I wanted to cook something nice for you…” she confessed.

“I should be the one doing that as an apology.”

“Do you know how to cook, at least?” she asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Are you doubting my capacity to follow a recipe?”

“I’ve never seen you in action and I only believe what I see.”

“Well, in that case, choose the recipe and I’ll do it. How hard can it be?”

“Later… I should go. I didn’t tell my mom I was spending the night here and she must be worried.”

“They know you’re with me, right? They know about us, they shouldn’t be surprised you spent the night with me.” he shrugged.

“Probably not but still, I have to go. At least that’s something good, I don’t have to lie to them about the fact that we are dating, now.” she said, kissing his cheek as she stood up.

“Are we? Dating?” asked Ethan, suddenly unsure.

“I mean, I guess? Why? You don’t consider us as a couple?” it was her turn to doubt.

“I thought we were just two adults that liked to spend time together and that had a nice fuck from time to time… I didn’t think that far ahead.” he explained, making Julia sighed.

“You don’t want to put a label on our relationship.”

“It’s not that I don’t want to. I didn’t think that it was necessary but if it’s important to you then fine we are a couple.”

“You don’t need to sound so disgusted.”

“Julia…”

“No. It’s fine, we are whatever. I don’t care. It’s not important. I’m going to go now. See you around.”

She was about to collect her things when he grabbed her by the waist and forced her to look at him.

“I want you, Joolsie. All of you. Don’t doubt it, please. It’s just… I’m scared to make it real. Because making it real will mean you will have expectations and you will be right to have ones. But what if I can’t meet them? What if all you get from me is disappointment?”

“I just want you to stop being so hot and cold. I don’t need a label, I don’t really care. But I just want to know where we stand. Because if I’m investing myself in this I want to make sure it’s not for nothing and that we want the same thing. I want it to work between us. And sure, it won’t be easy because you are you and I am me. We are really complicated people and maybe not the best pairing, for sure. But I don’t want a better pairing if it means it’s not with you. I'm one hundred percent in this. My question is, are you?”

“I want to be. I want to try to be. For you. I’m sorry that I’m not the best with words and properly showing it.”

“Then that’s all I need. The rest can wait. Just… stop pushing me away, okay? We really need to improve our communication.” she stated.

“Be patient with me, okay? I’m learning. But I want you to know that I care about you. I really do.”

She smiled and nodded as she kissed his lips softly.

“I care about you too.”

As she left him, Ethan couldn’t help but think that he screwed up again. He wanted to stop but he felt like the more he tried, the more he was doing the opposite and didn’t know how to stop. It was just a matter of time before she determined that she had enough and would leave him. He knew it, but it wouldn’t stop him from being with her. He loved her, he really did and somehow he seemed to love her more with each day passing by. And it was terrifying and he hated the way he was letting the fear control his behavior. It was not him. He had never let it dictate his life in the past and he didn’t understand why he would start now. He never had to care about anyone else besides him before, it was a new sensation to have someone next to him. He hated it as much as he loved it. He just needed to find the right balance to avoid messing things up and sabotaging something that made him smile in the morning and at night before sleeping when he was thinking about it. And he knew he had a lot of work to do.

Author's note: That is one of the hardest chapter I've ever had to write. If you are going through what Julia went throught, know you are no alone and that my DMs are always open if you need someone to talk to. What do you think will happen next? Let me know your theories, I love to read them.

Don't hesitate to leave a comment or an ask, as well as reblogging and leaving a like. Besides the fact that I absolutely love to read you, it helps a lot for the story to find its audience. I also have a taglist for this story, so if you want to be added so you never miss a chapter, let me know.

Taglist:

@herondalism @aundercover @musingsbyshreya @karmabyfernando @reengard @mycenterfold @smoooothoperator

#writing #fiction #charles leclerc #f1 fanfic #f1 fic #f1 x oc #charles leclerc fanfic #max verstappen fanfic #max verstappen

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mossyjournal · 2 months ago

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What is the difference between being alone and being a lone person?

For me, it is the directed desperation.

I was never more lone as I was the summer of 2016. Nothing to do but sit in my room and watch the new episodes of Adventure Time on the Cartoon Network app. I have no idea what I even did all summer. No job, no friends to see, no hobbies. 15 years old and bouncing between my dad’s and mom’s houses. Sleeping all day. But I was not desperate to go hang out with people. I was lonely, sure. I was depressed. But there was the desire to have the wild teenage nights. The sadness of missing out. I listened to Francis Forever as if I truly understood it. There was no one for me to miss more than anything. I had myself, my imagined reality that I had a shot with this one guy I liked, the internal belief in something bigger than the sky that was waiting for me. That’s what I missed. Something I couldn’t even grasp.

I have been alone time and time again. I was alone at ages 16 and some of 17 in the abusive relationship of my junior year. The few friends I actually did have at 15 were gone when I entered this relationship. There was no one else in the whole world for me than my partner at the time. I was alone when this partner and I broke up the second time in my freshman year, I immediately got into another relationship that broke up after three weeks. When she left, she was the most brutally honest person about why she was leaving. For the first time in college I had no partner and I was alone for a bit after that, even though I had two new best friends. I was alone when Covid started. My best friends went home to Wyoming. I was holding on to a two week romantic relationship as tightly as I could. It is only in retrospect that I can see I was holding on to him so tightly because I wanted to hold on to normalcy and college and freedom and friends. I was alone when we broke up six months later even though that relationship was meaningless and should’ve ended right when Covid started. I felt alone when I later lost a boyfriend of only two months, but he had been my first back step towards normalcy post-lockdown. He was kind to me. He was interesting. He had friends. I had never dated someone like this. He represented hope for better relationships. I reached for him in my mind like someone in a desert reaches for water. It took too long to get past him. But now, I am alone for reasons nothing to do with dating. It is not a partner that I’ve lost. It is not a partner that pushed my friends away. I have lost my best friend through her own actions. Through her own desperation to escape being alone, that she reaches for by clinging on to a partner, just as I have. How can I even blame her for behaving this way when I’ve done the same? When I’ve also clung onto romantic relationships like a life raft in a vast ocean?

I reach out for her at night, but I am the person who left. I thought we would always be friends. I thought we were platonic life partners. She told me if she were gay she’d date me. We were so close. She pushed me away, but I left. And I hate that she likely resents me for it and perhaps even hates me. I hate that I looks like I abandoned her, when she had emotionally abandoned me time and time again.

I want to heal. I want her to heal. I want her back in my life but I can’t stand for her to be in it.

How will I live without her?

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lifewiththelulus · 1 year ago

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Atlantis just don't got any luck

Imagine her bursting through the bakery doors in tears and being like "CIRRUS KINDLIN IM SO STUPID IM LIKE, THE DUMBEST PUDDLE-"

Kindlin: You really gotta start being more careful Atlantis: WOW HELPFUL THANK YOU

She's being super cranky lol

Cirrus giving the “I’m not mad, just disappointed” look at her

She's super ashamed it happened again and begs them not to tell anyone yet Not even Reef She says she's gotta do something important before he finds out but really she had no idea what she's gonna do about it

Reef noticing her acting more distant and starts to fall into depression.

She probably makes up some excuse like she's gotta work late a lot

He’d try to be sympathetic since he knows what it’s like to have to work extra hours. But it doesn’t stop the loneliness from getting to him.

Him getting a call one day from Kindlin because Atlantis in the hospital She was hanging out in the bakery when she started complaining about some chest pain and they took her to the hospital

When he shows up Kindlin leaves them alone in the room because while he was on his way she sternly told Atlantis she needed to tell him. Atlantis was just about to open her mouth to say it, when the doctor walked in "Everything seems to be fine, just drink more water, stay away from the caffeine and alcohol, it's not good for the baby."

Atlantis: 😶

Reef: …Baby?

Reef: You…you said you were safe that day.

Atlantis: I thought I was! Reef I - I'm so sorry-

Reef has to sit down for a minute to keep himself from freaking out. After a few minutes of silence. Reef: Out of all thing to keep secret from me, why this?

Atlantis held her tears back until he asked that. Atlantis: I…. I wasn't ready for you to leave. I couldn't watch you leave..

She wouldn't look at him and just continued to let tears fall onto her hospital gown.

Atlantis: But I understand if you do…

Reef is horrified of the thought of having a kid, he can barely save up enough money for him and Gulf and knows nothing about handling infants. But… Reef: I’m not leaving you Atlantis, not when you need someone now more than ever!

Atlantis looks up at him, years in her eyes. Atlantis: You… You aren't leaving? She sounded genuinely confused Atlantis: B-But you need to take care of Gulf, and I've been through this before - She had ingrained into her mind the idea he wouldn't possibly stay, not after what she went through with Drake.

Reef: (sigh) Yeah I do and I will, I don’t know how but, I’ll take care of him and you and your girls AND the baby! My…. My dad left my mom when she told him she was pregnant with me, I’ve seen her struggle raising me alone, but she still did it, what’s more, when she took in Gulf she did twice as much work to keep us all going. We were always thankful for it… even when she exhausted herself to death. And the idea of me putting you through that I… I couldn’t!

Atlantis took his hand and intertwined their fingers gently. Atlantis: "It wouldn't be my first time down that road… I guess that's why I was afraid of you leaving…" She looks down and sighs then kisses his hand. "We'll do this together. I….. I love you Reef. If there's anyone I would want this to happen with, it's you. You make me… feel something I haven't felt before. With anyone. "

#bibbity bobbity boo 🧵#emo bangs 🏄‍♂️

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beauty-grace-outer-space · 1 year ago

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I think I’m vaguely ~triggered~ and I’m feeling nauseous and weird so this is gonna come out rambly as hell and I apologize but:

Not only is this true, it’s expected.

Not only are people taught that others don’t experience love, there is at the very least an implication that they are not capable of it and are inherently evil unless you show them the light and they choose to overcome that evil and accept Jesus as their savior.

Not only is this implication there, but it becomes your duty and purpose in life to save everyone you possibly can from an eternity of torment and suffering.

Not only is that your duty and job, if you fail your love will be a punishment because everyone you love will be lost.

And the only way to convince them to “save themselves” is to make them see how desperately they are in need of redemption, which usually comes out in a woefully misguided stream of “love” through comments about how fundamentally wrong, evil, and disgusting we all are.

Your entire life is meant to be spent in anxiety and fear disguised as “hope” and “love” because this life means nothing but at the same time if you get it wrong you and everyone you love will suffer and burn forever.

(Now, there are varying viewpoints on this, but even those who don’t believe in all of the “lake of fire” bs tend to define hell as a separate plane of existence distanced from God in emotional torment forever.)

As for indulging in sin, it can be as basic as exposure to or experiencing anything from the “secular” world. Non-Christian music. Non-Christian movies. Non-Christian books.

I was told by a very close friend as a teenager that she had “seen demons entering my home” because I dared to read Harry Potter. I was told that I should stop watching my favorite movie because I was “too enthralled by it” and was “dangerously close to worshipping false idols”. I was told that my depression was a product of the secular world and that it was “demonic” and “a bad influence on those around me”.

Your worth is determined by how clean you keep yourself from these and other “sins”. You are not supposed to love or care about anything on this earth more than the potential for what comes after, and doing otherwise is worshipping false idols.

I used to lie awake at night desperately anxious because when it came down to it, of course I loved my mom and dad more than I loved this God I had never seen or heard or really ever felt, no matter how much I was supposed to pretend otherwise. So if the rapture were to come right then and there, would I go to hell for loving my earthly parents more than my “heavenly father”? Would they, because I failed them? My grandma wasn’t a Christian, she was definitely going to go to hell... how did I fail her so badly?

Can you imagine that kind of pressure and anxiety at eight fucking years old?

It’s exhausting and terrifying and so, so damaging to grow up believing with all of your heart that at any given moment the world may end, damning possibly you and others you love to eternal suffering, but that if you “do your job right” you can “save” them. All you have to do is make them hate themselves first.

I am grateful every single day that my parents were never completely in it like the other people in our social circles were. I listened to secular music and read books and watched movies, and their biggest concerns in life were that I was happy and that I was kind.

But I also went to Christian school K-12 and Christian college. Whether or not it was being taught at home, I was exposed to it and absorbed it from mentors, teachers, and peers constantly. And when that’s your social circle, you just kind of assume everyone believes it because of course no one is going to say otherwise and invite doubt and speculation against themselves! So I never voiced any of these concerns with anyone until I reached late high school, I was devastatingly depressed and anxious, and I realized I couldn’t do it anymore.

I said this a couple years ago (one year ago?) and most of the comments on tumblr actually did not know this, so to reiterate what you’re up against: a VERY mainstream belief among American Christian fundamentalists is that they are the only ones who experience love. They raise their kids to think that everyone “living in sin” (all other faiths, atheists, and LGBT people) goes through life sad and empty, falsely believing they know what love feels like, and will never know until they’re “saved.” It’s not as simple as them diminishing the humanity of others out of hate, but being deeply brainwashed to believe others are automatically mentally less human. They are also very good at convincing new converts that they really are experiencing this “real” love for the “first time;” the same way members of all cults can become wholeheartedly convinced that they’re receiving psychic alien messages or communing with spirits. Cult conditioning is simply that powerful.

#christianity #ex-christian #exvangelical #I'm...#this shit fucks you up so bad #like #I don't even know if I have the words to fully explain it #I firmly believe that the pentecostal church is a cult #and no matter how they want to spin it #AoG falls under the pentecostal umbrella #and it's a cult

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illicitjoy · 2 years ago

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tw: are you surprised? suicide and SH

do you know why tumblr is the best?

at least to me?

nobody uses it. my family never thinks to stalk me on tumblr. i could say whatever i want and just rant every thought i could ever think of. i love the community guidelines. i mean this app used to be all porn in middle school and high school so it’s a little better, but i talk about how bad my mental health is and it’s like my own little journal, just for me.

i feel like everyone just judge me for how shitty my mental health is and how i just want to die and hurt myself to feel some peace. i feel like i don’t have a hard enough life to be this depressed. i feel like i don’t deserve to feel this bad.

i don’t know if that’s to give me some closure, or if it just helps me deal so i can actually get out of bed and be an actual adult. if i could i would stay in bed and just stare at a wall with all my thoughts or just sleep my life away, but that’s not how life works. or at least not mine.

tumblr is great to just express how i’m feeling and go back and read how dramatic i was in the post. it helps to just let go. it’s also really nice for when i have to go to my psychiatrist and i have all these notes about how pitiful and depressed i am.

now, let’s talk about how bad i’m hurting inside to see if it’ll relieve some pressure on my brain before i have some kind of brain bleed or something.

i want to die. plan and simple, but not. i also want to live. (can you see where i’m struggling here?) if i could have a death that wasn’t painful to me or anyone around me i probably would. if i could just be gone and it didn’t hurt anyone, i would be gone. but, i want to get married, have kids, be terrified of the kids because, i never wanted kids. i want to feel joy, but i don’t know if i ever will, and that makes me want to disappear. (it’s the whole failure to thrive depression thing.)

tumblr is so great to just breathe, and not have someone find a random notebook in my room and read it and be like “oh shit, she needs to go on a grippy sock vacation.” even though both doctors and myself agree it wouldn’t be a bad idea. but i’ll never go. i can’t leave my friends and girlfriend. i don’t know if my girlfriend could handle it.

she’s told me multiple times that if i went manic and broke up with her again (i don’t remember what exactly happened because i was manic, but i know it happened at some point) she wouldn’t come back. she couldn’t handle it. and that my depression is a downer and that every time i raise my voice she’s “preparing to be broken up with” and “it’s just triggering to her” because i have a mental disorder that is very hard to control, but i’m doing it. she’s told me that she would never want to be my favorite person because it’s “overwhelming and overbearing.” she has great parts of her, but sometimes i feel like i have to be perfect and not break or else she’ll leave me and i’ll be a scared five year old again.

the best part of tumblr is knowing that if anyone found your blog.. you would be dead, because either your killed yourself or your mom killed you. it’s a fun gamble. see who wins first.

you also want to know what’s a fun gamble. how deep you can cut yourself before you start bubbling. from what i learned you’ve got about a 1/4 of an inch before you’re stitching yourself up because you can’t admit to anyone else that you relapsed. now you accidentally go 3/4 or an inch, you’ll learn you have white blood. and that is the most terrifying thing you could do to yourself. i’ve been clean for a little over a year and four months, and my scars are fading. you thought fresh cuts were triggering? imagine how i feel with no scars. all the pain and release i did to myself for years? gone. and that’s the most triggering thing. another fun one! when your friends say that they cut themselves and when they do normal human things, they break open. why can you cut, and i can’t? how is that fair? i just want to feel some kind of release.

i am in pain.

and i read this over and over again trying to find peace.

but i’m in pain.

thank you tumblr for being my out, because i would be judged for everything i just said.

this is why tumblr is the best app.

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floral-hex · 2 years ago

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I don’t know why I’m writing this.

My hearing has kind of gone out again. By “out” I mean I am overwhelmed by tinnitus, dead air, distorted hearing. My hearing aids don’t help, they just make the muddle louder. I’m in a bad place. I feel sick. I’m having a hard time eating. I’m sleeping too much. It’s not just hearing loss, there’s a mental component to it. I feel closed off. I feel so alone. I haven’t been this depressed in awhile. I shouldn’t have stopped antidepressants and now I’m scared to start again because starting them is always the worst, and, well, to be honest, I’ve had a lot of suicidal thoughts these last few days. I can’t see myself living with this for long. I’m scared. I’m alone. Even around others, I feel alone because I can’t understand them and I hate forcing myself and my problems on them. My mother asked how my hearing was today and I broke down in front of her. She’s not my therapist, I hate putting my problems on her, but I couldn’t hold it. I’ve been so desperate for some human contact, for someone to vent to, that I just started weeping. I told her I’m scared about how I’ll live, that I’m falling apart and have been thinking about ending things. We talked for a bit and she said she’d help me make some appointments tomorrow since I can’t really hear right now. I hate this. I hate making her worry. Telling your mom you want to kill yourself… fucking sucks. I don’t know how else to put it. She said she’d take me to the hospital at any hour, if I needed it. She doesn’t deserve that pain. Im not going to do anything harmful. I haven’t reached that point. I’d never want to hurt my family like that. I couldn’t imagine leaving my little brothers. I just don’t know what to do. I feel so overwhelmed.

I wish I could move to some deaf commune like from Sound of Metal. I wish there was a place I could go where I wouldn’t have to worry about my future. Just give me a simple job, a small room, 3 meals a day, and that’s all I want. I’m so lost. I have no friends. No prospects. I miss my dad. I miss being small and having someone else in control. I miss having a partner there, just someone next to me in bed, some other warm body to hold on to when I need physical comfort. I’m sitting in the kitchen right now because I can’t be in my room right now. It feels like a tomb. I hate that it’s 2 a.m. I hate that I’ve been sleeping all day. I have no where to go and I feel alone. I cancelled my gym membership. Too much money and I didn’t have the transportation. They used to be 24 hours before covid. When I first moved back to Arkansas, I was depressed like this. I’d go to the gym at about this time of night while I was depressed. I miss that. Some place to go when my mind needed distracting. Now I have nowhere. I don’t know what to do. I’m just going to keep writing because I need this distraction. I don’t expect anyone to read this. I don’t know if I want them to. To be honest, I don’t even feel like I have friends online anymore. Mutuals keep deleting. All my old friends have moved on. I’m bad at chatting with new friends because I have nothing to talk about. I have such a nothing life. I feel ashamed when people ask about me, about my life.

You want to know about me? I’m… fuck, I don’t remember how old I am. Fuck, I’m 34. I’m 34 and unemployed. I dropped out of college. I can’t hold a job. I was excited about trying to get a job, I thought my hearing had been holding up, I was going to send out applications, I swear, but this present problem has just made me feel hopeless. I can’t make friends because I’m 34, unemployed, live with my family, and have no hobbies besides sleeping and just surviving. I’m sorry. I want to be your friend. I want people to be my friend. I don’t want to die and be forgotten. I put out albums in my 20s! I had a cooking show in high school! I had friends, I went to concerts, I’ve had so many cats. I’m going to be forgotten. My bandcamp will never get visited. I have albums worth of instrumentals I wrote in my early 20s that no one will ever hear. I’ve been thinking about writing a book for years, but I’ve never sat down to actually write. My own family won’t know about these things. I’m going to be forgotten and that feels worse than death. I need my family and friends to know how much I love them. I love them so much. They’re the only reason I don’t want to go. I want to see my brothers grow up. Im so scared. I’m scared for them and I can’t help them. I have nothing to offer them. The world is too heavy. And they’ll be off to college soon enough and I’ll never see them. They’re at that age where they go straight to their room, they don’t talk to me much. I miss watching movies with my little brother. I miss playing video games with them. Talking with them. I just want to hold them and tell them I love them. That they saved my life. That I’ll be here for them as long as I can so please, please don’t shut me out. Please just sit and watch a dumb movie with me and be with me for a little bit because I need to be with them, in that moment, while they’re young, so I can remember this. They’re going to go off to college, they’re going to go live their lives, and I’ll still be here and I know they’ll still love me but I won’t matter as much. I’m worried about my mom. She’s sick all the time. She can’t work anymore. Life is crushing down on us. I don’t want her to hurt. I don’t want her to leave us. I don’t want her to leave her teenage sons. That’s not fair. They need their mom. Their dad already ran off. I don’t want them to be alone. I don’t want them to be 20 and scared and miss their mom. I wish I could be there for them. I told her I was worried about losing her, and she said she could live another 10 years. That sounds like no time at all. 10 years, if we’re lucky. I don’t want to lose her. I don’t want my brothers to lose her.

All I see is everything’s expiration date. I’m so focused on the end. I want to be here, now, but I’m so scared. I’m wasting it. It’s 2:40 in the morning and the world feels dead. I feel like I’m on a dead planet and I’m just sitting here, rotting and postponing the end. It could just end right now, tonight. I know it would be scary, but when it happens, it’s just dark and nothing. Once I passes out giving blood. It was just dizziness, nausea, and then nothing. When I came to, I was surprised how… nothing, it was. It just happened and it was nothingness. No dreams, just gone. I know it’s not the same, but it also kind of is. I’m scared. I don’t want that. I don’t want nothing. I want life. I want to be happy. Please, I need something, I need to be happy, I need a life. I need friends and I need a job and my family and I need my hearing to just fucking figure itself out. I can’t do this “one month of good hearings, one month of bad hearing, repeat.” If I can just survive a little while, I know it’s bad right now. It gets bad.

I have to be positive. I have to be. So tomorrow I’m going to make some appointments, or my mom will if I can’t hear, and I’m going to try to get on some antidepressants, even though I’m scared about how I’ll feel, and I’m going to beg for something like Xanax to help give me immediate relief for these ever increasing moments of massive anxiety and hopelessness. I’m going to try to demand ear tubes. I don’t know if they’ll work, but I’m lost. I’m desperate. Please, just do this small unnecessary surgery so I can feel like I’m doing something. I think I’m going to go back to therapy. I haven’t been in years. I wish weed was legal here, because god knows I need it, but it’s not like I could afford it if I could buy it. I need money. I need to go out. I feel so closed off. I need to go to the movies or bowling or even just back to a gym. Please please let my hearing clear up so I can get a simple job and have some kind of pay check. I shouldn’t be this old and feel this lost.

So now it’s 2:45. I’m in the kitchen. I drank some coffee because I needed the caffeine and sugar to hopefully give me a dopamine boost. I don’t know if it did. I’ve just been crying this whole time, so I don’t know. I slept all day. I need to be awake during the day, so I shouldn’t be drinking coffee, but I think soon I’m going to take some Benadryl, take a shower, and try to sleep until the sun comes up. I feel sick. I’ve been sleeping too much. I have no appetite so I’ve been forcing myself to eat, but it’s all tasteless and hard to swallow. I’ve been here before. I know it can get better. I don’t know how, I mean, everything else seems to be collapsing inward on my family right now, but… I have to believe things can get better. I feel like I’m choking right now. I feel trapped and suffocating. I’m so nauseas and sick and scared. I just want someone to walk in and say “hey, can I sit with you awhile?” I’ll keep going, but this is…

AND I can’t fucking use this app because it eats my battery and overheats my phone! What the hell.

Okay, 3 a.m. 3:05. What am I doing

I ran out of space for tags. This is too long. No one is going to read any of this. Why would you? You shouldn’t. It’s like a really long sad sad rant. Aaaaaaaa I’m losing it. I’m lonely. I’m burnt out. Half tempted to join a cult so I can just live with a group of people that control my life for me. I know that’s a shitty joke and cults are terrible, but also my brain is so bad and I feel so hopeless that when I say I’m half joking, I really do mean I’m partially serious. Sure sure, you’re God, dude, that’s cool, I’ll believe that, just give me a bed, 3 meals, and I’m in. Aaaahh ughhhh 3:15. What am I doing? How many followers will I lose for this? Why do I even have this blog? I’ve been on here for, I don’t know… I want to guess 15 years. Maybe more, maybe less. I don’t know why. It’s some connection to the outside world. No one talks to me on here. Sometimes they do. Some years they do, some years I just “exist” on here with very few interactions. It’s sad. I need real friends. I need a job so my coworkers can be friends. I need money to go out. I need self confidence and money and a job so I can join some dumb dating or friendship app, but right now… okay, I can’t go back down that road right now. Just scroll back up and reread my whining.

3:20. Distract myself. Keep writing. Distract. I can’t write forever. Okay. I need to go. I’ll be okay. I’ll try to be. If you read some of this, I’m sorry, but maybe thank you. I don’t deserve you. This world is so scary and lonely. Thank you for being here. Really. I appreciate you.

#this is a LONG LONG cry for help #it’s okay to unfollow me after you see this huge thing on your dashboard #tw: suicide #also to complain some more: the tumblr app has been killing my phone lately #I need my phone battery to run Bluetooth for my hearing aids and use the roku app to livestream tv audio to my headphones #but this app just sucks up all the battery and makes it overheat #I’ve been charging the whole time I’ve written this and it’s only gone up 3%#how fucked up is that #I probably also need to masturbate for serotonin but I just can’t get in the mood #half tempted to get back on tinder and basically say ‘hey I’m hard of hearing. I’m lonely. I can’t maintain a relationship #but if you want to just sit with me in the park and read or sit close to me and also make out then please hit me up’#’hello. I’m old hard of hearing poor and boring. please hold me for a little while. I need to know I’m not alone.’#arkansas just kinda sucks for things to do after midnight that’s not a bar I guess #why did I write all of this #I needed to.#this is why I need a therapist #I’m probably going to copy it down #I thought about sending this to my mom but I can’t rightly put this on her #this depressive pointless stream of consciousness #I just needed to get it out #I feel a little better #but it’s still 3am and it’s too quiet and I’m alone with myself. AND I HATE MYSELF so that sucks #I don’t know how to distract from this #I don’t have the drive to play video games. tv isn’t making me happy #reading is hard lately. my brain doesn’t want to absorb anything written so it makes me feel overwhelmed looking up info that might help me #I need dopamine! or serotonin! I need some sharp boost of happiness so bad.#goddddd… I need help #all my mutuals are deleting and I wouldn’t know how to talk to anyone #I feel alone on this app #text

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staminapills · 2 years ago

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I am a Single Parent; I Didn’t Have the Luxury of Dealing with Depression – Why

I am worried about this condition; because this is a very rare condition, it often comes to me at night, when my little girl is in bed. It came when my computer shut down, my work stopped, the lights went out, and I fell asleep.

When the suffocating waves of sadness and loneliness hurt the most, they come over me again and again, threatening to drag me down and drown me in my own tears. I have experienced depression before. But in my adult life, it was definitely the toughest confrontation I’ve ever experienced.

Of journey, I knew why I was sad. Life had become difficult, confusing and scary. A friend had taken his own life, and everything else went downhill from there. It seemed like all my relationships were falling apart. Old wounds in my family were coming to the surface. The one I believed would never leave me just disappeared. And it all piled up on me in such a way that I couldn’t take it anymore.

If it hadn’t been for my daughter, standing on the ground in front of me as the waves threatened to pull me under; I honestly don’t believe I would have survived.

However, not surviving was not an option. As a single mom, I didn’t have the luxury of being broke. I had no option to break. What can I do in these situations?

I Overcame Depression for My Daughter – Why and How?

I know that’s why depression affects me the most at night because that’s when I’m alone.

During the day, I had someone who was completely dependent on me. There were no other parents waiting while I worked through my grief. There was just a little girl, who I love more than anything in this world, trusting me to keep her together.

So I tried my best. Every day was a struggle. I had limited energy for anything else. But for this, I pushed every ounce of my strength to the surface. I can’t believe I was the best mom during those months. I was definitely not the mother she deserved. But I forced myself out of bed day after day. Start a new journey this time.

I went to the floor and played with it. I took us on a mother-daughter adventure. I fought the fog to show up again and again. I did it all for him. In some ways, I think being a single mother has saved me from the darkness.

Forcing myself to return to regular treatment, even when finding the hours to do so seemed impossible. Getting on the treadmill was a daily battle with me, the one thing that managed to clear my mind forever—even when I wanted to hide under my sheets. Reaching out to friends, admitting how far I had fallen, and slowly rebuilding the support system I had unwittingly destroyed in my mist.

This is mental strength –

My position has been discussed in depth here.

There were baby steps, and it was hard. In many ways it was difficult because I was a mother.

Time for self-care seemed more limited than ever. But that voice was also whispering in my head, reminding me that this little girl I called mine was counting on me.

That voice was not always kind. There were moments when my face was wet with tears and I looked in the mirror only to hear a voice say, that’s not strength, that’s not the woman you want your daughter to see.

Sensibly, I knew the sound was wrong. I knew that sometimes even the best moms break down and it’s okay for our kids to see us struggle.

I wanted to be better for my daughter because a single mom doesn’t have the luxury of a breakup. That voice in my head was always loud enough to remind me how deeply I was failing in my role every time I let those tears fall. To be clear, I spent a lot of time in therapy talking about this voice.

Bottom Line –

Life is hard. If you had asked me a while ago, I would have told you that I had it all figured out. I would have told you that the pieces of my life came together like pieces of a puzzle and everything was as happy as I could have imagined. But I’m not perfect. I never will. I have experienced anxiety and depression. When things get tough, I break down.

Luckily, I also have the ability to extricate myself from these traps. I’ve done it before. I know if I get pulled down again, I’ll do it again. I will pull myself up for both of us – for my daughter. I would do it for my family. Bottom line: I’m a single mom, and I don’t have the luxury of being broke. It is good that I will try to do better.

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meganhollandm · 2 years ago

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New York New York

Our final stop has come! But I did save the best place for last. I’ve always told my parents that I wanted to move to New York once I finish school! It just has every single thing I love!

*overpriced food

*straight up people

*night life

*drag

*acceptance

*shopping

*fashion

*cute boys

It just really is exactly how it is depicted on Gossip Girl!

We stayed at the Hyatt Grand Central for four nights and jesus it was a dream!

We stayed in a suite with both beds being in the same room which sucked but it is New York! I don’t really care!!!! We took the train from Toronto to New York, and I swear I was Serena Van Dewoodson at the train station episode 1 of Gossip Girl waiting for a mysterious person to write a blog about me... but instead I’m writing one about myself.

We started off the trip going to Barnes and Nobles to look at magazines and buy some Chai Lattes at this cute cafe! My mom took a bunch of photos of me but she is new to social media, so they kinda sucked. I hate to admit it...but my brother is the best at taking my photos. Too bad his company is actually so depressing.

I found this for my brother LOL

We then went out the second night to go watch Beetlejuice on broadway! It was actually fantastic. I’ve seen multiple people on TikTok react and play the music, and it was just as good as I imagined. It made me want to move there even more! Imagine, me, on Broadway! I would be so proud of myself! To imagine myself on that stage for people around the world to see, wow, just, wow!

We spent most of our days shopping and going to cute simpler restaurants! But, on our last night my parents surprised me at a french restaurant named Le Coucou! They had the best lobster i’ve ever tried in my life! Only thing was that my idiot brother ordered rabbit :( I have a bunny at home and he knew exactly how to ruin my night!

Surprisingly I didn’t have any guys flirt with me in New York. Probably because my parent’s couldn't leave alone for more than 5 minutes, except for when I was in the washroom!!!! I was sad too because I thought I could meet a cute New York boy that was rich and convinced me to stay and start my career :(

In the taxi home I was feeling very upset, perhaps my brother’s depression rubbed off on me... but seriously, it hit me that it is all coming to an end! I remember being in Maui the first day and thinking two weeks is so long, but let me tell you guys, it is not! I could have stayed at these places forever <333333

Welllll...minus Toronto.

I still miss Daniel everyday! And I hope my grandma stays alive for another year or so because I heard we got a refund on our old hotel.

It wasn’t until we got home and my dad looked over to me and said “that was your last childhood vacation”, when I realized how he is right. I am finally now starting high school. But for some reason, even though I went to all these cool places, I still am not ready.

Maybe I will never be ready?

But as Daniel once told me on a cold day in Maui (which is rare); “just keep swimming” :) He is such a poet.

New York rate: 10/10 because I am convinced I am moving there!

Thank you for joining me on my journey!

Love ya!

#newyork #young #danielimissyou #rate #richgirl #gossipgirl

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ashintheairlikesnow · 3 years ago

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Learn to Fly

CW: Self-loathing, some internalized victim-blaming, references to parental death and grief, VERY vague reference to past noncon once or twice

Note: I made a decision to switch a little of the timeline around, so Laken and Chris’s breakup at this point happens after the original conversations about the Speak Out Arc start happening but before the Olympics themselves. I’m folding this bit into the larger Speak Out Arc.

Follows Time Apart and It Doesn’t Work As Well As You’d Hoped

He curls up on the couch in the coffeeshop, sipping something warm he barely tastes. It might have coffee in it - he feels a little drowsy, and that usually happens when there’s just a little caffeine.

Maybe that’s just because he hasn’t slept since Jake was hurt, not really. And he’s slept even less since... since he and Laken broke up.

Outside, there's unseasonable heavy rain. The clouds are low and heavy, a deep gunmetal gray that blocks out the light and has the streetlights on at 9:30 in the morning. The raindrops seem less to fall than to slam into the ground with terrible violence.

The baristas talk in low voices about how grateful they are for the rain, burying the wildfires outside the city in a deluge the heat can’t overcome. Chris likes the rain, too, if only because it reflects the inside of him, suggests that the world can tell he is a storm within himself and reflects it to him.

He takes another sip.

He hasn’t showered in three days. His hair is dulled with it, like a penny left too long in the dirt. He’s dressed himself like he used to, back before when he was still learning he was a person and not a pet - in one of Jake’s hooded sweatshirts over his compression shirt, so oversized on him it’s nearly a tunic, and a pair of mesh basketball shorts. His knees still look knobby, he thinks.

He can see the ghosts of the bruises there that used to never quite heal before his Sir sent him to his knees and made new ones to lay over them. He can see a couple of scars, some from training when the baton would crack into the backs of his legs and send him dropping like a stone, some from gymnastics, some from just being a kid.

Chris’s eyes lower, to look at his own hands holding his coffee cup. He put star stickers on his nails last night, and a few of them have already peeled off. Those that remain glitter, just a little.

Something about the sight of it - the memory of when he put star stickers on Laken’s cheekbones at a concert until they sparkled under the starlight, laughing, a blur of bright eyes and dark hair - makes his throat nearly close, sends a new rush of tears to burn hot behind his eyes.

He has to close them to hold them back.

“You’ve had a hard time of late, have you, then?”

The voice is a rumble, cracked with decades of cigarettes and too much liquor, but Chris remembers it, anyway. At least, he remembers it now.

He turns to look up at the old man, in his shirt and slacks, a bit bent with age. There’s a merry twinkle in his slightly rheumy eyes, though, that shows that a young man is still there, under an old man’s experiences. There’s a slight smile on his face, warm and welcoming.

Chris swallows, struggling to find the words. They flit away from him, he has to chase them down, but eventually he manages to clear his throat and says, “I, I, um. I know you. You, you, you knew my dad.”

“I did, at that. Worked with him for years.” The old man settles onto the other end of the couch, giving Chris plenty of space, a nice wide berth for safety. “What’s got you looking like a television commercial for depression, hm, Tristan?”

No one calls him that.

Chris feels his heart twist, a little.

By the time they saw the meteor, Tris, it was already too late for anything but a blink or two. When it touched down into land, it was so big the end of it was still in space. Can you imagine anything so big? Can you?

No, Dad.

The earthquakes alone would have been immense thousands of miles away. Imagine, you’re eating leaves, living your life, and you see a shadow - and then in an instant, the world is shaking and you’re breathing glass. How does life go on after that?

I, I, I don’t know, um, um... how how does it?

It just does. That’s what’s amazing, Tris. It just goes on.

“Nothing. I, I, I broke up with my, my partner is all.”

“Hm, that nice young person who comes with you to the shops?” The old man nods, slowly. He’s got his own cup of coffee, plain black, steaming gently into the air-conditioning. Outside, the rain creates a curtain that walls them off from everything else. Chris can’t even see all the way across the street. He can barely see a woman with an umbrella racing from her car into the nail salon place off to the side.

“Yeah, them. I’m, um. It wasn’t anything they they they did.”

It’s something I did.

It’s something I am.

It’s something I’ll never stop being.

“Well, breakups do happen now and again. Usually the one who does the leaving isn’t the one who does the moping about and staring at rain, though.”

“I didn’t want to.” Chris sits back, keeping his coffee cup in one hand. The other drops to his stomach, to tap, soothing his nerves at being so close to a man he knows and doesn’t-know. His memories are there, fuzzy and hazy from being overwritten by fear and pain, but they’re there. He knows this man, Mr. Malley, who would watch him sometimes when his parents went out, or when his father needed to stop by work.

The memories are there, but they still hurt.

His head starts to throb, a pulsing pain behind his temples.

“I didn’t-... I, I love them, I d-didn’t want to.”

“Well, now, that’s a conundrum, isn’t it? Are you moving, then, Tristan?”

It hurts to hear his name, but it hurts in a way that feels good. He was that person, too, before he was Chris. He hums, low under his breath. “No. I, I, I just… you know, um, I’m just. I’m… hard. Difficult. To, to, to, to be with, to, um, to-... there’s a bunch wrong with-... with me.”

“You sound like your dad.” Mr. Malley laughs, a deep chuckle that rumbles more in his chest than out of his throat. “You know that? You sound just like him.”

Chris ignores the pain in his head and he turns, now, to look fully at Mr. Malley, blinking rapidly. “My, my, my dad?”

“Yep. Paul was a good man, and a good dad, but before he was that he was a scared boy with a baby on the way and a plan that might not work.” Mr. Malley sighs. “A scared boy who’d always had it a little rough, trying to make the world work for him when it did nothing but work against him. You were always his spitting image. He’d probably be tickled to see you still are.”

There is a sense, in Chris’s mind, of a blurry man with short red hair, sitting near him but not quite touching him, speaking with animation about how there are dinosaurs that lived closer to human beings than they did to other dinosaurs.

He remembers a man whose eyes sparkled with animated focus when he talked about the world millions of years ago, who loved him by sharing the information he held within his own mind.

He and his dad had understood each other, in ways that no one else did but his mother, and Chris was beginning to see that it had been her determination to know him that had fueled his mother’s actions, her endless support. The same way Jake and Nat were determined, and stubborn, and kept trying even when they got it wrong.

Everyone gets it wrong sometimes, but that doesn’t… that doesn’t mean they aren’t trying.

Maybe he got it wrong.

“He never broke up with your mom, but oh, he thought about it. You know, when he came to work with us, he had a plan. But plans… they have a way of going off the road and into a ditch. He worried he couldn’t make it work, he worried that it would be too hard for Ronnie to be with him and have a child, too.”

Ronnie.

Chris’s throat closes up, and he closes his eyes.

All right, Tris, I got you these so the noise won’t bother you so much. We’re going to have a good day at the parade, okay?

“Her family never liked him, for one. That’s a rough spot to be in, I think.” Mr. Malley is quiet for a moment, sipping his coffee and watching the rain fall. “Ronnie didn’t see it that way, of course. That woman was a freight train and God help anyone who got in the way. My late wife, God rest her soul, helped Ronnie with some things when her own family wouldn’t. She’d come over big as a house, eyes sparkling. You were a kicker, she used to say, kept her up all hours of the night. Just a girl, still, your mom, but she had a steel spine and she wasn’t going to live any life but the one she wanted. But your dad… he worried, that it would be too hard on her.”

“Having, um, having me would?”

“No. Having him. Paul was a smart man, you know. He knew his job would be trouble. He gave her chance after chance to go, if she wanted. But that’s the thing, isn’t it? She didn’t.”

Chris looks at his phone, lying on the little table in front of the couch. There’s some text messages he hasn’t looked at. Couple of voicemails he hasn’t listened to.

“Maybe he, he, he didn’t want to keep hurting her,” Chris whispers.

“Hurt’s a part of living, lad, take it from someone who’s given out his fair share of it and more.” Mr. Malley hums. Outside, a car pulls up, almost bumping the curb. “Perhaps you’re meant to separate from your young partner, Tristan, perhaps not. It’s like I told your dad, way back in the Stone Age. You choose if you love someone, to be sure, but they choose if they love you back. You can’t decide that for them.”

“But, but I’m-... but, but I’ve been… what I am, it’s-”

“I know what you’ve been made to do,” Mr. Malley says gently. “You don’t have to explain, lad. We knew.”

Chris’s lips tremble. He doesn’t want his coffee any longer. He sets it down next to his phone, on the little table. The baristas talk quietly about a date that one went on the night before, there’s a low sound of machinery. It all filters into Chris’s mind, a cacophony of sound he picks apart or doesn’t. Right now it’s hard for him to think around all the sound, but he tries. “Then, then, then why… if you knew, um, why… didn’t you-”

He can’t finish the question.

Why didn’t you save me from it?

“We couldn’t. It’s shite, is what it is, but we couldn’t. And by the time we could, you were with that nice young man who you live with now. I’m sorry for the time you lost, Tristan, and sorrier still I can’t give it back to you somehow. You’re your dad’s child through and through, but you’ve got your mother in you, too. You know what Ronnie did when there was something she couldn’t get through?”

Chris turns to look at this man, who knew his mother and father in ways he never could have. He swallows. “What?”

“She went over it. Or around it. Or blew it to smithereens and went through the wreckage. Whatever it took. They tried to kick you out of school when you were a wean, she fought them ‘til they realized they’d never win against her. They tried to tell her you wouldn’t read, she told them to go, well, to go sit on a thing or two and not to tell her what her boy could or couldn’t do.”

Chris thinks of Nat sitting next to him on the floor, patiently encouraging him to keep trying to turn the letters into words, despite his headaches, his tears, his certainty he’d never get reading back.

You will, Chris. I know you will. Just keep fighting for it. They won’t take anything from you forever, I won’t let them and you won’t let them either.

Don’t let them keep you from yourself.

“They told her she’d never have a happy life, having a wee one so young, but she built that happy life anyway with her own two hands and dared anyone to try and knock it down.”

“Someone… some, someone did, though.” The gunshots, his mother’s eyes going dull and blank, her whispered I love you so much, Tris…

“Sure. Yes.” Mr. Malley’s expression goes serious, and sad. “But it took breaking into her house at midnight and bullets to stop her. You’ve got plenty of your mom in you, lad. Plenty of your dad, too, he was always a stubborn git himself. Do you love this person you’ve broken up with? Hm?”

“Yes.” The answer comes without hesitation, even though his voice shakes and his heart races. “I, I, I do. That’s, that’s why I don’t want to-to keep hurting them by, by, by by being messed up from what, um, from what happened to me, I don’t… I don’t want to keep h-hurting them-”

“Let them decide how they feel about that,” Mr. Malley says, voice gentle and low. “Plenty of people are hurt and find their way forward together after.”

Jake and Kauri, laughing in the kitchen as Jake spins Kauri around in a circle, dips him backwards, presses a kiss to his nose that has him giggling.

Antoni at the stove, sighing but with a smile on his face, watching them. Being pulled into the hug not quite against his will, all three of them laughing then. Kauri bright and sparkling, Jake a deeper harmony, Antoni soft and genuine.

“Maybe it won’t last, maybe it will - but don’t let a hard past keep you from the people who love you. I’ve seen many ruined by believing you may only be loved if you’ve no pain inside you. We’ve all got pain, lad. Carrying it together’s a sight easier than trying to go it alone.”

From the car parked right outside, an elderly man unfolds himself, opening an umbrella to shield from the driving rain. Mr. Malley looks up and smiles. “Ah, right on time, must be ten sharp. That’ll be Cilly. D’you remember Cilly, lad?”

Chris looks as the man shuffles his way inside, pushing open the door. The little bell over the top jingles and the baristas cut off their conversation, standing up straight to call out a familiar greeting to a regular customer.

He squints.

“Not… not very well,” He confesses, a little ashamed.

“Ah, well, that’s not a problem. He and I’ve known each other a long time. I was an angry man for a while after my wife died, you know. Seemed a crime that I should outlive her, when Christa deserved to live to a hundred and six if she so wished. Cilly helped me carry that anger when I needed to be angry, and he helped me put it down later on.”

He gives a wave to the man - to Cilly - who looks at Chris and then back to Mr. Malley with clear surprise, then heads towards the counter to make his own order.

“Be angry, Tristan,” Mr. Malley says, a little heavily, leaning over to him on the leg as he pushes himself, with a grunt of effort to his feet. “You may need your anger, in the days ahead. But if you’ve a love to help you carry it, who wants to help you carry it and who will be angry right there with you, and you love them back… well… don’t let the wickedness of others keep you from the happiness you could have. You’ll be a poorer person for it.”

Mr. Malley walks away without another word, leaving Chris by himself again on the couch, tapping at his stomach, thinking. He keeps looking at his phone, thinking about all the texts he hasn’t read, the way he’s refused to call them back when Laken kept trying to reach him.

He leans over to reach out.

He stops, hand hovering just above the plastic with its colorful case, the sensory sticker on the back of it that Laken had bought him.

What happened after all the dinosaurs died, Tristan?

I, I, I don’t know, Dad.

Trick question, buddy. They didn’t. Paul’s eyes, bright and vibrant, gesturing to a bird in a tree nearby. Nothing stays the same and lives forever except alligators and sharks.

Right because, because they’re perfect.

Exactly. Dinosaurs died, sure, but they didn’t die, too. They just changed to suit the world after the one they knew how to live in was gone. Imagine, Tris.

Imagine what?

Imagine the world destroyed and in darkness, buried in ash. Everything you know is gone, ruined, wrecked beyond repair. And imagine… imagine that you learn to eat seeds and little mice instead of big animals and leaves. Imagine you become smaller and smaller. Imagine that your arms turn to wings, that your bones hollow out to carry you higher above the piles of ash that turn to grass and to life again.

What? I, I, I don’t, um, I don’t understand-... Dad, um, I don’t, I don’t... know what you mean.

Right, sorry. Just... imagine you’re a dinosaur.

He’d laughed. Okay.

Now imagine your dinosaur family is gone, and you have to become something else. What do you become? Being a dinosaur means dying, right?

Um. Right.

So imagine that you look at death and say, no thanks. No, you’re not going to be over. This isn’t it for you. Even a meteor the size of the entire sky can’t end you. Instead of dying out, no, you look at history, at geological time, and you say…

Paul had trailed off.

Say what? What, what do I say?

Don’t tell your mom but-... you look at the end of the world and you say... fuck this, I’m going to learn to fly.

Chris picks up his phone, finds Laken’s name and photo in his contacts. It’s a photo of the two of them together, Chris and Laken smiling and laughing as he smears whipped cream on their nose and they smear a cross of fluffy white into his forehead.

He dials.

They pick up on the third ring.

“Chris? Oh my God, Chris, are you okay? Are you-... are you okay, baby?” Their voice shakes, and he closes his eyes.

This time, he lets the tears slip out and run down his face. “H-Hey, Laken, um, I, I, I-... I’m… I wondered if you, um, if you could, uh… are you busy?”

“Am I-... Chris, where are you?”

“The, um, the coffeeshop-”

“I’m on my way. Don’t you dare fucking move.”

At their usual table, at their usual time, Cilly and Sean Malley start to talk amicably about the week ahead. But he keeps an eye on Paul’s boy, where he speaks a few sentences and then hangs up the phone, looking out the window at the rain.

It’s twenty minutes before a new car pulls up outside, and umbrella-less, the partner Sean has seen with Tristan before comes racing inside, a blur of black clothes and black hair and brown skin. Paul’s boy stands, and his partner throws themself at him so hard the two of them fall backwards onto the couch.

They start laughing, and shortly after to cry.

Their hands come up to either side of Tristan’s face, and they lean forward to kiss the scar on his forehead. He can’t hear what they say to each other, but he doesn’t need to.

Ronnie, he thinks, would like this spitfire person that Paul’s boy is so in love with.

That’s one wrong put right, at least for the moment.

One more to go.

Sean smiles and sips his cooling coffee.

@burtlederp @finder-of-rings @endless-whump @astrobly @newandfiguringitout @doveotions @pretty-face-breaker @gonna-feel-that-tomorrow @boxboysandotherwhump @oops-its-whump @cubeswhump @whump-tr0pes @downriver914 @whumptywhumpdump @whumpiary @orchidscript @nonsensical-whump @outofangband @eatyourdamnpears

Just Go On from Kimmy Schmidt

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dialovers-translations · 3 years ago

Text

Diabolik Lovers DARK FATE ー Subaru Dark [Prologue]

ー The scene starts in front of the gate to the Demon World

Yui: ( I can get to the Demon World...By passing through this door. I’m sure I’d be able to meet up with Subaru-kun there, right? )

( I’m sure the Demon World has its own risks but...As long as I can reunite with Subaru-kun, I’m sure I’ll be fiーー )

*Creaaaak*

Yui: !

Subaru: You...!

Yui: Subaru-kun!?

Subaru: Knowing you, I had a hunch you’d come after me...Guess I hit the nail on the head, huh...?

Yui: Subaru-kun...Did you come and get me, perhaps?

Subaru: ...Don’t be gettin’ the wrong idea now! You see...I’m only here ‘cause I was worried ‘bout the house.

Yui: ...Fufu~

Subaru: Whatcha laughin’ for!?

Yui: Sorry. I felt so relieved as soon as I saw your face, I couldn’t help myself.

It was quite scary by myself after all...

So I’m glad you’re here.

Subaru: Hmph. Look at you grinning. ...Let’s get goin’ already.

Yui: Yeah.

( Subaru-kun...He really did come for me, didn’t he? )

( My anxiety is fading, almost as if I was never worried at all. )

( To think I can feel this way just from being together...I must really love him after all. )

Subaru: Oi, don’t be takin’ your sweet time ...Geez, when are you gonna wipe that grin off your face?

Yui: ...Coming! (1)

ー The scene shifts to the forest in the Demon World

Yui: ...It’s pitch black, huh?

Subaru: That’s ‘cause the lunar eclipse is ongoing. It’s gonna be like this for quite some time.

Yui: ( Which means it’ll be dark the whole time? Seems rather depressing. It’s a little scary as well... )

Subaru: ...

*Rustle*

Yui: Subaru-kun...?

( He grabbed my hand... )

Subaru: ...I’ll hold your hand like this.

Don’t look so worried. There’s honestly nothin’ for you to be scared ‘bout.

...I’m here with you, remember?

Yui: Subaru-kun...

Subaru: So make sure to stick by my side as well, ‘kay?

Yui: Yeah, gotcha. I’ll be right besides you the whole time.

Subaru: ...I didn’t say ‘the whole time!’. It’d just be annoyin’ if you were to be glued to my side 24/7.

Yui: ...Would that be a nuisance?

Subaru: When did I say that!? ...Fuck!

You should just stop rackin’ your brain over lil’ things and be with me, that’s all!

Yui: Yes!

*TIMESKIP*

ー The scene shifts to the entrance hall of the Sakamaki castle

Yui: What a lovely place...This is you guys’ house, right?

( Or castle, I should say... )

Subaru: Oi, don’t wander off. Father’s power is protectin’ the place from any outside threats, but even inside there’sーー

ー Approaching footsteps can be heard

Yui: ( Somebody’s here...? )

???: ...

Yui: ( A woman...? )

( She’s beautiful...Although she seems oddly familiarーー )

Subaru: ーー Mom.

Yui: Eh...?

( She’s Subaru-kun’s mother!? )

Christa: ...Oh my?

Yui: ( Ah, our eyes met... )

Christa: How unusual. A guest...?

Subaru: ...

Christa: !!

Yui: ( Eh...? Her expression changed...? )

Christa: No...Stop!! Stay away!!

Yui: Eh...? U-Um...

Christa: Stay away from me!!

Subaru: Che...Oi! Is nobody ‘round!?

Familiar A: Yes!

Christa: Stop! Don’t touch me!! Let me go!!

Familiar A: Ma’am! Please, follow me this way...!

ー Christa is escorted away

Yui: ...

Subaru: ...Haah...

Yui: Subaru-kun...That woman just now...

Subaru: ...She’s my mother...

She hadn’t been actin’ that way as of late...So what happened?

Yui: Perhaps the lunar eclipse is affecting her...?

Subaru: ...You might be right.

Yui: ( The eclipse makes Vampires emotionally unstable, doesn’t it? Is his mother experiencing something similar...? )

Subaru: Haah...

Yui: ( Subaru-kun seems exhausted. Although I can’t blame him after his mother spoke to him in such a way... )

( It must hurt, regardless if she’s being affected by the eclipse or not... )

Subaru: Oi. Let’s just get you to your room for now.

Yui: Sure.

*TIMESKIP*

ー The scene shifts to the balcony

Subaru: ...

ー Yui walks up to him

Yui: Subaru-kun?

Subaru: ...All settled in?

Yui: Yeah. Thanks. I can’t believe you had a room prepared even though I came uninvited.

Subaru: If you need anythin’ else, just ask one of the Familiars. They should be able to arrange most stuff.

Yui: Gotcha.

...Are you okay, Subaru-kun?

Subaru: ...How so?

Yui: I’m worried you might be taking what your mother said to heart.

Subaru: ...

Yui: ( She went through a lot...to the point of no longer being able to live by herself, didn’t she? )

( Worried about her well-being, Subaru-kun would go check up on her every now and then. )

( However, with the lunar eclipse ongoing...I wonder if she’s even more unstable than usual? )

...I’m sure it’ll get better once the eclipse has passed.

( This is pretty much all I can say... )

Subaru: ...Yui. Come here for a sec.

Yui: Sure.

Subaru: Take a seat.

Yui: ...? Okay.

Subaru: Lend me your shoulder. ...Even just for a lil’ bit.

Yui: Eh...?

On certain CGs, little black roses will appear on the screen. If you click on them, you get an extra line of dialogue.

“Your hand’s so tiny and slender...Yet it’s strangely comfortin’...”

“When I imagine something might happen to you...I nearly lose my mind. Stay by my side, okay?”

Yui: Subaru-kun...?

Subaru: ...I’m glad you’re here. Just by doin’ this, I feel like some weight has been taken off my mind.

Yui: ...

*Rustle*

Subaru: ...What’s your deal?

Yui: ( ...He seemed down, so my hand subconsciously moved to pat his head... )

You didn’t like it?

Subaru: ...I never said that.

Yui: ( ...It must be hard. To have your own family push you away in such a way. )

( She seemed normal when our eyes met though... )

Subaru: Haah...

Yui: Hey, Subaru-kun? You don’t have to push yourself in front of me.

If you’re worried about your mother, I’ll do everything I can to help as well.

Think about it, a stranger might have a better shot at getting through to her...

Subaru: Don’t think ‘bout it. I can’t let you do that.

She can get extremely violent when she snaps. You might get hurt if you’re near her.

Yui: But...The Lunar Eclipse makes her unstable, doesn’t it? In which case it might be better to have someone there by her side.

Subaru: Even if that were the case, there’s no reason you should carry that burden.

Yui: Burden, you say...

I just want you to cheer up, that’s all.

Subaru: ...

...Don’t come cryin’ to me afterwards.

Yui: Don’t worry. She’s your mother after all.

Subaru: ...You fool.

Yui: I hope the Eclipse will come to an end soon.

Subaru: They last long here. It won’t be over any time soon.

Yui: I see. You said that before, didn’t you?

Subaru: Yeah. That’s why they’re even more annoyin’.

Yui: I wonder if you’re letting me dote on you because of the Lunar Eclipse as well.

Subaru: Haah!? Dote on who!?

Yui: I mean, usually you’d get upset if I were to pat your head like this, no?

Subaru: ...Then, should I get upset now?

Yui: Eh?

Subaru: ‘Cause you keep spoutin’ bullshit...I’ve become thirsty for your blood.

I’ll suck you harshly like usual.

Yui: ...But you’re always gentle, you know?

Subaru: I’m not. ...I won’t be kind with you.

ー Subaru bites her

Subaru: Hah, nn...Nn...

Yui: Uu...

Subaru: Nn...Phew...

Hah...Oi, Yui. Tell me as soon as somethin’ happens, ‘kay?

Yui: ...Of course.

( See? He really is gentle after all... )

*TIMESKIP*

Christa: ーー Nii-sama!! Where my dearest cousin!? (2)

Yui: !?

ー Yui wakes up in her room

*Rustle rustle*

Yui: That voice just now...!?

*Rustle*

Yui: Ah...You woke up as well, Subaru-kun? The person shouting earlier...

Subaru: ...It was mom’s voice.

Yui: I wonder if something happened...? I’m worried so I’ll go take a look.

Subaru: You’re actually gonna look after her?

Yui: I mean...I can’t just turn a blind eye either.

ー Yui walks towards the door

Subaru: Ah, oi!

ー She leaves the room

Subaru: ...Will she be okay...?

ー The scene shifts to the library

Christa: Aah, why!? Why won’t anyone come!?

...Nii-sama...

*Knock knock*

ー Yui enters the library

Yui: Um, pardon the intrusion.

Christa: ...! You...

Yui: I could hear your voice so...Um, are you okaーー

Christa: Cordelia!?

Yui: Eh?

Christa: Cordelia...! Why are you here...?

Yui: ( Cordelia...? The name of the triplets’ mother...? Is she mistaking me for her, perhaps? )

Christa: Aah, Cordelia...I pity you as well.

I find it surprising you have stuck around this castle for so long. Do you still believe he loves you?

Yui: U-Um...

Christa: But I know. That is...a horrible misunderstanding.

There is no love to speak of. Both you and me...We’re only being used by that man.

Yui: ( Used...? )

ー Subaru approaches them

Yui: Ah, Subaru-kuーー

Christa: ...!! No way! You’re here again!?

*Woosh*

Subaru: Ugh...Oi, cut it out!

Christa: No, don’t take one step closer!!

*Woosh*

Christa: Don’t show me your face!! Keep those filthy hands off me...!!

*Woosh*

Yui: ( ...! She threw a lamp at him...! )

Subaru-kun!

Subaru: Wha...Idiot! Don’t step in!

*THUD*

*Shatter*

Yui: Ow...!

Subaru: Yui!!

You fool...! You’re bleeding!

Yui: I’m fine...More importantly, your mother...

Subaru: ‘Fine’, my ass! Let’s get outta here!

*Rustle*

ー Subaru drags her away back to their room

Subaru: ...Has it stopped bleedin’?

Yui: Yeah. I’m fine now.

Subaru: Doesn’t it hurt?

Yui: It was just a scratch.

Subaru: Really? You’re a chick...and a human one at that. Shouldn’t you like disinfect it or somethin’?

Yui: You’re way too much of a worrywart, Subaru-kun. This kind of small injury will heal quickly, even when you’re human.

( Thank god one of the shards just lightly scraped my skin. Subaru-kun didn’t get hurt either. )

Subaru: ...

...You shouldn’t be here after all.

Yui: Eh?

Subaru: If you stay here, you’ll definitely get hurt again. I’m gonna get you back to the human world before that happens.

We’re leavin’ at once. Before mom becomes even more crazyーー

Yui: W-Wait, Subaru-kun! You’re blowing this way out of proportion!

The skin’s just a little scraped, so I promise you I’m fine. Don’t worry, okay?

Subaru: ...

Christa: Hurry up and bring Nii-sama to me! I am waiting!!

Subaru: ...Let’s step outside. You’re comin’ with me.

Monologue

Along the way after we left the manor,

I told Subaru-kun about what happened earlier.

That Christa-san,

had called me ‘Cordelia’.

Yui: She seems to have the wrong idea.

Subaru: ーー About you?

Yui: Yeah. Seems like she thinks that I’m Cordelia. ...I wonder why?

Subaru: ...It just proves she’s not in her right mind, no? Did she say anythin’ else?

Yui: Um...Ah, right...

Subaru: What?

Yui: She said that...She’s being used by someone.

Subaru: Used...? The fuck?

Yui: I don’t know myself but...According to her, so was Cordelia.

Subaru: I don’t get it...Oi, Yui. You should stop botherin’ with her as well.

Yui: But...She seemed calm when I was with her.

( Or rather, that might have been Cordelia’s influence... )

Subaru: ...I know she loses it as soon as she spots me.

Looking at it that way...It might be better if I wasn’t ‘round her.

Yui: Subaru-kun. Don’t put it like that.

Subaru: ...It bothers me. It seems very likely you’ll get hurt if we stay here any longer.

She may be my mom...But I’m not lettin’ her harm you.

Yui: ...Thank you, Subaru-kun.

But because she is your mother, I want to get on well with her.

Subaru: ...Che...Why are you so persistent...?

Yui: Because I loーー

Subaru: ...Nevermind, don’t say it! You’re just gonna spout weird shit again, aren’t you!?

...Fine. Do as you please. However, there’s one condition!

Whenever you’re with her, make sure I can jump in to save you at all times, ‘kay?

Don’t let yourself be alone with her in a private room. That’s the condition.

I’ll protect you. I won’t let anyone hurt you.

Yui: ( I’m pretty sure he doesn’t need to be that worried... )

( This just proves how concerned he is about me...as well as Christa-san, right? )

Yeah, sure. Thank you, Subaru-kun.

( ...I hope that one day, the three of us will all be able to sit down together for a nice chat... )

ーー TO BE CONTINUED ーー

Translation notes

(1) Yui simply responds with うん! which would be ‘yeah!’ or ‘sure!’ in English. However, that didn’t quite make sense as a response to his question in the translation, so I adapted it a little.

(2) 兄様 or ‘nii-sama’ is literally an affectionate or highly formal way to refer to one’s older brother. However, it is not uncommon in Japan for the word ‘nii-san’ or ‘nii-sama’ to be extended and used for elder, male people (whether other family members or even random strangers) by those who are younger than them. I did a quick Google search on the ‘calling your cousin onii-san’ topic in specific and found multiple responses of native speakers who admitted to doing this.

To avoid confusion and since ‘my dearest cousin’ is a bit long for my liking to use repeatedly, I will simply use ‘Nii-sama’ in my translation.

→ LIKE MY TRANSLATIONS? SUPPORT ME ON KO-FI!

<- [ Sakamaki Prologue ] [ Dark 01 ] ->

#diabolik lovers #dialovers #subaru sakamaki #dark fate #diabolik lovers translation #dfsubarudarkprolog

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nobutfredweasleytho · 3 years ago

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YOU JUST DON’T LISTEN(F.W)

Summary: Fred’s ex girlfriend writes him a letter to explain the how him using her wrecked her emotionally.

Warnings: angst, like a lot of angst, depressed Y/N, mentions of self doubt, a little swearing, mentions of parents not loving correctly, used reader. Let me know if I missed anything.

A/N: Major thank you to Gabriella @onlyfreds for being an amazing person and encouraging me to write whatever this mess is. I am forever grateful to you

(The font is terrible Im sorry im just getting used to working on tumblr)

Fred Weasley checked the muggle clock on his nightstand. 10:30 AM. His mom will call him for breakfast anytime now. He has been awake for quite some time if he can even count the 30 minutes he tried to sleep but couldn’t, not when every time he tries to close his eyes his mind and eventually dreams are clouded by her. By the last time he looked at her, how devastated she looked, How her face was wet from her tears and her eyes bloodshot red, but the thing Fred will never be able to forget is her voice. How raw and vulnerable she sounded while saying the most horrible thing’s anyone has ever said to him, but he can’t blame her, he has no one to blame but himself because in the end it was he who caused all of this and now its come to bite him in the ass. He hears the door open and his twin brother George enters.

“Mom says breakfast is ready and she wants you downstairs. She says she’ll drag you herself if you don’t show up again today.”

“Tell her I’m not hungry and I’ll come grab a bite later.” I really don’t feel like being surrounded by other people right now. Not in this pathetic state I’m in. Besides it will take me willpower I don’t have to not hex Ron into oblivion.

“Well she will not take no for an answer and I wont either. What’s done is done now and you’ll have to face the world someday so start with your own family because everyone down there is worried sick about you and the least you can do is show your face once in a while so they know you haven’t died of starvation or sleep deprivation.” George has worry written all over him and I’m sure the rest of the family has it too. I feel even more like shit for worrying them.

“Fine. But I come back here if she is mentioned are we clear?”

“We weren’t gonna mention Y/N anyway now lets go moms worried sick for your dumbass.”

Breakfast was going smoothly with Ginny and Ron being exited for Quidditch season, Harry and Bill discussing the unfortunate events of the Triwizard tournament last year, dad asking Hermione about a rubber duck whatever that is, but the most shocking thing is mom asking me and George about the joke shop products. George is doing most of the talking but still the fact that shes even asking is awesome. I was finally feeling peaceful this whole winter break until I heard a hoot outside the window.

“I thought it was Tuesday but since mail is here does it mean its Friday already? Oh how fast time is going.

“No Arthur honey you are right it is Tuesday, Bill or George can one of you see if that owl has the owners name attached to it and bring whatever letter he has here to see who is it for.”

Bill got up from his seat and went to the window next to the countertop to look at the mystery owl. “Do we even know a Y/N Y/L/N?”

The room went quiet. The only thing that could be heard was the owls hoot asking for its treat. Bill seemed not to realise this as he took the letter from the owl, gave him a treat and sent it on its way.

“To Fred Weasley from Y/N Y/L/N… Who’s Y/N is she the girl you’ve been crying over this whole time huh Freddie?” Bill chuckled but I just grabbed the letter. I had no time to even be mad at him because once again my mind fogs up with only her. I couldn’t help but feel relieved and the happiest I felt in a long time. She has forgiven me. Y/N forgave me. That has to be it. Why else would she send me a letter?

“I had a great time with you guys but there’s important matters for me to attend so I have to go to now. Thanks mom the breakfast was amazing as always.” And with that I sprinted towards my room, locked the door and examined the letter in my hands. It was a bunch of them in here. I went to mine and George’s worktable threw some papers that were on top of it to make room for these letters and carefully opened the envelope.

The first thing that I grabbed was a photo. It was a polaroid of me and Y/N on the Gryffindor common room. Happiness filled my heart when I started remembering this night. I looked at the back of the polaroid and surely enough there was a writing on it.

Fred and Yn on the Gryffindor common room at 1 AM the night she turned 17. Listening to ABBA’s “Dancing Queen”. Picture taken by major 3rd wheel George Weasley.

Tears filled my eyes when I remember this night. It was the night I looked at her the way I always should have. Not as a replacement of someone who didn’t care about me.

The next one was also a polaroid photograph but this one I don’t remember being taken. It’s a picture of Y/N teaching me how to play the guitar. I can make up that we are in her dorm but not more as the picture is taken in black and white. I look at the back and surely this one also has a writing on it but the handwriting doesn’t look familiar at all.

A drunken Y/N accompanied by a even drunker Fred trying to play the guitar in the middle of the night. If I fail my charms exam tomorrow I’m killing you both but right now you two look adorable. Picture taken by Cho Chang.

The third one is an actual letter. I chuckle looking at the handwriting. Always so precise and not even one line out of place. I always thought Y/Ns handwriting always contradicts her hot headed persona but it’s actually really cute. I start reading the letter and my heart stops.

Dear Freddie,

I can only imagine the shock that receiving a letter from me would cause you right now especially after our last conversation.

But I have a lot to get off of my chest and I wont be able to move on if I haven’t said it all. Call me a coward but I was really scared to ask you to meet me so I can say it in person, but maybe that’s what I have always been. A coward. A coward because I get scared when someone wants to enter my life, a coward because I hate trying new things at the expense of failing, a coward because I should be able to confront people who brought darkness and sadness to my life.

But one thing I will admit Fred Weasley is that I wasn’t a coward when It came to loving you. It was the first time that I let someone come into my life and heart the way you did, and it will probably be the last. Throughout our “relationship” if you can even call it that as it was more of you customizing me to be her, to be someone I’m not. But that’s why you even talked to me is it, because I reminded you of her.

The signs were right in front of me and I feel stupid enough not to have seen them. But I guess people are right when they say love is blind. Love is such a funny thing to me as the first time I experienced the right kind of love was through you. But that was me creating stuff in my head. You didn’t love me no, you loved the idea of me. But I loved you. I loved you more than anything or anyone I have ever loved, I loved everything about you. But you just don’t listen. You don’t listen to anyone around you. Not George, not your other siblings, not Lee or any of your other friends for that matter, not your professors, but most importantly you don’t listen to me.

You didn’t listen when I told you that the love my parents gave me was only because I reminded them of my brother, the love my old friends back home gave me was one of interest. Everywhere I go no matter who I talk to no one will love me for me. I came to accept that until I met you.

You were funny and crazy and brave and oh so gorgeous. You were basically everything I looked for in… well everything. In a friend or in a partner it doesn’t matter. I thought you saw me for who I am. A broken teenager with issues but that at the end of the day was deserving of love. Oh how wrong I have been but no more wrong than you. You knew this but you just didn’t listen.

That makes us both horrible people now does it. Me who thought you were some kind of savior or some kind of saint and selfishly wrapped myself around your love and you who used me because I remind you of your ex girlfriend who broke your heart. But mine is excused I feel like and yours isn’t.

You would have kept me going for who knows how long just so you can live your imaginations you had for someone else.

Did you think about her the first time we slept together?

Was I not enough for you Freddie?

Was I too clingy too soon?

Is it my hot temper that gets the best of me?

So many questions will be left unanswered on my end because frankly, I never want to speak of you again. Sure I am deprived of love but I will not take it if its not directed directly at me.

I still care about you and will continue to support you and George on whatever you set your mind into. I was waking through Diagon Alley last week and saw this little store with a “for sale” sign. It’s right in the middle of Diagon Alley. I hate how my first thought went that you would have loved it but I seem to do that a lot recently.

I’ll get dressed and think would Fred love this skirt or this shirt.

I start applying lipstick and I’ll think will Fred love this color.

I start eating and I’ll think does this look good enough that Fred would’ve stolen a piece of it when I’m talking to Ginny.

I don’t even know why I am telling you this. How pathetic I’ve become clinging into someone that doesn’t want me.

Anyway I’ve probably bored you enough with my ranting but I wouldn’t have been able to move on unless I said everything that felt heavy on my heart. I also attached some photos I thought you’d like to keep seeing as now you can see yourself with Kayla without having the burden to be near me.

Say hi to your siblings and Harry for me.

Have a nice life,

Y/N

#harry potter #fred x y/n #fred weasley series #fred weasley x reader #fred weasley imagine #fred weasley #fred weasley angst #george weasley #hogwarts #fred and goerge weasley #weasley family #sadnees #i hate this

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tyongxnct · 4 years ago

Text

𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦 𝘮𝘦 𝘢𝘨𝘢𝘪𝘯 - 𝘔𝘢𝘳𝘬 𝘓𝘦𝘦

pairing: Mark Lee x reader

special guest: Lee Taeyong as your older brother, brief mention of Jaemin, Jeno & Haechan

genre: angst, smut, tiny bit of fluff

warnings: drugs (don’t do drugs kids), addiction, memory loss, being high, mentions of rehab clinic, Mark physically and mentally hurting the reader, reader being unconscious, Mark’s kind of depressed, SMUT,

word count: 8.7k

note: this is based on my imagination, Mark Lee is his own person and everything that happens in my story is pure fiction. I love Mark Lee and this story just popped up in my head and I wanted to write it down.

extra note: didn’t really proofread this, might have grammer and spelling mistakes

A/N: hey! I’m so excited to finally post ‘love me again’! I’m super nervous and I really hope that you have fun while reading this. I had to repost this because it wasn’t showing up in the tags :(

taglist: @luvlyjaemin @silent-potato @markshearts @likelikeines

song rec: courage to change - sia

“Please Mark, we just want the best for you…”, Mark’s mother cried.

“No you don’t! You have no idea what’s the best for me. You decided to move here, and I accepted it because it’s the best for you! You decided to divorce, and I didn’t say anything because, again, it’s the best for you! Now you’re thinking about what’s the best for me? Suddenly my feelings are important?! You two know nothing! Nothing. So don’t stick your noses into my fucking business!”, Mark yelled at his parents, finally letting out what he really thought and felt about his family.

“Son, we know it’s hard for you- “, his father tried to calm his son down.

“No, dad. No you don’t. Don’t act like you thought about me when you decided to leave Canada! I was happy there! And maybe you’d still be married!”, he was so angry and high, but it didn’t help him to ignore his parents- to stay calm, he was furious, and he needed his pills. “I’m leaving.”

Mark left his parents and ran straight to your house. He was high already, but he needed more, he needed his pills. After the fight with his parents, Mark was about to explode, and he did.

Mark knocked on your front door harshly and you opened the door with concern in your eyes. “Mark? Are you alright- “, he pushed you to the side and ran upstairs. “Where the fuck did you put them?!”, Mark’s body was trembling, his eyes red and his pupils wide. “Mark? What are you doing?”, you asked as you watched your boyfriend look through your shelves and closet, everything was a mess, but he didn’t care.

You held his arm to stop him, but he shoved you away. “WHERE THE FUCK ARE THEY (Y/N)?!”, he yelled at you. “I don’t know what you’re talking about Mark. Please calm down… You’re scaring me.”, you were scared and worried. He grabbed both of your wrists and looked at you furiously. “Where are my fucking pills (Y/n)?!”

“Mark are you high again? I thought- “, you started but he interrupted you. “I ASKED YOU A FUCKING QUESTION! ANSWER ME!”. You were more than scared right now, you hoped that you could help him, but Mark was high and that means that he’s not the Mark you’ve known. He’s that monster who hurts you and he didn’t even care.

“I- I flushed them down the toilette…”, you confessed.

You were too scared to look up, you could feel his hands around you tighten, and it hurt. “You did what?”, he asked through gritted teeth.

“I-I’m sorry but I don’t want you to take them- you don’t need them- “, tears were falling down your cheeks.

“WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?! YOU FUCKING BITCH! HOW COULD YOU DO THAT?! HUH?!”, he was hurting you. Mark Lee, the love of your life was hurting you.

“P-Please… I’m sorry- I just wanted to help. I thought I could help you…”

“Help? You wanted to help? Do you have the slightest idea of how much those pills costed me?! Huh?! You know nothing! You’re just a fucking piece of shit. I don’t fucking need you do you hear me?!”, he yelled again.

“Mark- “, you said in pain.

“You’re fucking useless. I don’t want to see you ever again.”, there was no emotion as he talked.

Mark let go of you and left your room, you followed him, he was high, and you were scared to leave him alone even though he just destroyed you with his words.

He really chose drugs over you.

A tiny little voice in the back of your head always told you that this would happen, but you ignored it because you loved him. Your arms hurt, Marks grip was really strong, and it probably would leave bruises. “Mark please don’t leave- please don’t go.”, you ran after him and hugged him from behind before he could walk down the stairs.

“You don’t understand it, do you? You’ll never be enough! Let me fucking go!”, he yelled as he tried to get out of your grip. “No! I know that you don’t mean it! I know that the drugs are taking over and that this is not you talking!”. Mark grabbed your hands and pushed them away, harshly. “Let me go!”, he was screaming again. “No Mark please don’t go… “, you tried to hold him again, but it was useless, he was stronger than you.

You two pulled at each other and before he could stop himself, he pushed you down the stairs. Everything was in slow motion, as he locked eyes with you and saw the fear in your eyes. You closed your eyes and Mark tried to hold you, but he couldn’t reach you, and then you were rolling down the stairs. “NO!”, Mark yelled as he tried to catch you.

You were laying on the floor and you weren’t moving. Mark’s hands were trembling, and tears fell down his cheeks. He looked at you and he didn’t know what to do. Why weren’t you moving? Is that… is that blood?

Mark rushed down the stairs and kneed down. “B-Baby?”, he took your head between his hands and looked at you face. You were unconscious and your forehead was bleeding. “H-Hey… D-Do you hear me? Open your eyes, please open your eyes!”, Mark’s tears landed on your face. “Baby please open your eyes…”, he shook your body, but you didn’t wake up. Mark didn’t know what to do.

Suddenly the front door was opened by your older brother, Taeyong. “I’m home- “, he stopped talking as he saw you in Mark’s arms. “M-Mark?”, Taeyong was scared. “I didn’t mean to! I swear it was an accident! I would never hurt her hyung I didn’t mean anything I said.”, Mark cried as he pulled your body closer. Taeyong came closer and saw you bleeding. “Fuck! Why didn’t you call an ambulance!”, Taeyong yelled at Mark as he called the ambulance before it was too late.

“I love you please open your eyes. I’m so sorry, I need you please don’t leave me! Hyung it was an a-accident. I didn’t mean to!”, Mark cried and cried. Taeyong saw red. Did Mark do that to you? “Are you fucking high again?!”, Taeyong didn’t want to hurt you but he pulled your body to his, taking you away from Mark. “Hyung please I’m sorry…”, Mark’s whole body was trembling. The tears never stopped, and the pain and regret were eating him alive.

The next thing Mark remembered was when he was waiting in front of the emergency room. Taeyong and your mother were also there, your mother still didn’t know what exactly happened. But the way Taeyong looked at Mark, with so much disgust and hate, broke Mark’s heart.

Mark prayed. He prayed for your safety and he promised himself to never do drugs again. It was his fault, he hurt you. Physically and mentally hurt you. He could never forgive himself, you loved him even though he was a fucking drug addict, you were always there for him and now you were in a fucking emergency room.

The doctor finally came out and smiled at your mother. “You don’t have to worry, everything went fine. She’s asleep now, but she’ll be taken to her room.”

“Thank you so much, Doctor Byun.”, you mother was relieved. “And thank you Mark for being with her, I wouldn’t know what had happened If she- “, your mother said. “Stop mom, it was him.”, Taeyong said with anger. “What do you mean?”, she asked. Mark looked down, too ashamed to look your mother in the eyes.

“He pushed her. She fell because of him, She fell because Mark was high and lost his mind. In fact, you’re still high, right?!”, he yelled at him, pushing him with his hands.

Mark didn’t stop Taeyong from doing so.

“Mrs. Lee… I didn’t want that to happen- “

“Leave.”, she just said with a low voice.

Mark fell on his knees, “I’m sorry, please I can’t live without her… please forgive me I love her so much…”, he cried.

“You love her? You think this is love? Mark, I treated you like my own son! I accepted you with open arms because she loved you so much! I defended you in front of your parents and this is how my daughter has to pay? For loving you? Is that her punishment?”, she was crying, your mother felt betrayed.

You always told her, how much you loved Mark and how you helped him through his parent’s divorce, but you never told her about his addiction. You really thought you could help him with that, that he would stop taking them, but in the end you were wrong.

“I know, I know I’m so sorry… I’ll stop I swear I’ll stop!”, Mark couldn’t lose you.

“Do you think I’ll let you near my sister ever again?”, Taeyong said.

“No hyung please please don’t! I’m begging you I need her!”

But Taeyong’s decision was final.

ONE YEAR LATER

Today was Mark’s anniversary. It’s been a whole year since he became clean. It was his own decision to go to a rehab clinic, his parents were more than happy to hear that. After what happened to you, Mark wanted to change. Change his habits, change his lifestyle and just be better, be worthy for your love. Mark was allowed to go home after a year in the rehab clinic, he missed his last year of high school, which he needed to go to again to graduate officially.

You were always on Mark’s mind, the bad memories, and the good ones. He would fall asleep thinking of your pretty smile and wake up crying to your unconscious body. He never talked to you again and he still loved you, no, he loved you even more now. You were his light in the darkness, the reason to become better. Mark wanted to be a better man for you.

“Welcome home honey.”, Mark’s mother hugged her son, tears falling down her cheeks. “Are you sure you are ready to come back home? If you want to we can move- or we can go back to Canada, just tell me how I can make you happy.” Mark and his parents lived in Canada until he was almost 17, they moved to Korea and that’s how you met. They moved into the house across the street and you became friends. Mark first hated Korea, he wanted to go back to Canada, to his friends, and after his parents started fighting all the time, they got divorced. His father moved out and left him. He blamed Korea for his parent’s divorce. Mark was angry. Angry that his parents were getting a divorce, that he left his whole life in Canada, but the only good thing in his life was you. After spending so much time together, sneaking out after midnight, making out in your room or his until one day you two took a step further and had sex. You were each other’s first times and you fell in love, Mark would have left Korea If you weren’t here. Mark’s mind wandered to the first night you had spent with him in his room. The first time he had touched you, the first time you had sex.

Flashback

You were cuddling with Mark on his bed under the covers, you were watching friends on his TV and he was hugging you from behind. Mark and you were together for almost 5 months now, both of you knew that just being friends was something you didn’t want. You could say it was love at first sight for both of you.

Mark kissed your cheek and slowly kissed his way to your neck. He placed wet kisses on your neck and his hand was under your shirt, caressing your skin with his thumb. He stopped kissing you and started sucking and nibbling on your skin. You closed your eyes as you felt Mark so close to you, making you feel drunk on his kisses.

The furthest you and Mark went was making out. He never asked you to do more, he was waiting for you to be ready. Sometimes, you wanted him to go further but it was never the right time, you wanted him to touch you and you wanted to touch him.

You let out a soft moan and turned around, your butt slightly stroking his crotch. You kissed him on the lips, first it was slow and sweet, but he nibbed on your lips and you opened your mouth to give him access. Your tongues were fighting for dominance, his hand was on your butt, softly squeezing it and he pulled you on his lap, his lips never leaving your lips. Mark was laying on the bed with you on top of him, you moved your hips, which made Mark moan. His hands were on your butt, pressing you against his member to feel you better.

You broke your kiss and pulled back to sit on his lap. Your lips red and puffy and Mark was breathing heavily. You looked him straight into the eyes as you put your hands under your shirt to take off your bra. After you took it off, you threw it on the floor and your eyes never left Marks. “Give me your hand.”, you said. Mark slowly gave you his hand and watched you how you put his hand on your boob. Your hand was still on his as you gently squeezed your boob with his hand. “Touch me.”, you whispered.

You could feel Mark getting harder under you. He gulped and looked at you. “A-Are you sure?”, he asked. “Yes. Please touch me.”

Mark licked over his lips as he put his other hand on your other boob, squeezing both of them. His thumb was on your nipple, playing with them. “Can I take off your shirt?”, he asked you now. You just nodded. Mark tossed away your shirt and he gulped again as he saw you half naked on top of him. Mark sat up a little and was laying against his bedrest, your boobs right in front of his face. His face got closer to your breast and you felt his tongue on your nipple. He softly licked your nipple and with his hand, he played with the other one. You moaned, it felt so good having Mark’s mouth and hands on your breasts.

Mark started sucking on your breast, making you moan even more. You were wet and feeling Mark’s hard member against your pussy made you even wetter. “God Mark it feels so good.”, you moaned. His mouth travelled to your collarbones, he sucked and left Marks, he loved it.

“Mark I-I need you, please.”, you cried out. “Are you sure babe?”, he asked you while he flicked your nipple with his fingers.

“Yes yes please just… just fuck me.”

Within a second, Mark turned you so that you were under him now, your boobs bouncing while doing so and making him lick over his lips again.

“Okay babe just tell me to stop If you don’t want me to go further.”, he pecked your lips and smiled at you. You nodded and smiled back, your heart was racing.

Mark took off his shirt and you stared at his exposed body, you couldn’t believe that this guy was you boyfriend. You felt so lucky.

“I need to prepare you a little more baby.”, without telling you how, he slowly took off your sweatpants, leaving you in your panties. Mark kissed your pussy over the fabric of your underwear. “My baby’s so cute.”

You could feel Mark’s finger against your pussy over your underwear, spreading your wetness and drenching your panties. “So wet.”

Mark almost ripped your panties as he took it off, he wanted to taste you so bad. With his hands, he pushed your legs apart, his face right in front of your wet pussy. You could feel his breathe against your wetness and he licked your pussy with kitten licks once and then again and again. You moaned as you felt his tongue. “Shit- Mark- “, his tongue played with your clit, and you thought it couldn’t feel any better, but Mark slowly pushed one finger inside of you. You clenched around his finger and he cursed. “Fuck baby, you’re fucking tight.”, he kissed your pussy and sucked on your clit, after he inserted another finger inside of you, you couldn’t handle it anymore. “Mark it feel so good, I’m gonna cum.”

He fucked you with his fingers faster and his mouth did wonders down there. You hit your first ever climax and you could see the stars. Your grip around the bedsheet tightened and you moaned out. Mark put his hand on your mouth, his mother was still downstairs. “Baby If you keep being so loud my mother is going to hear you.”

You were breathing in and out as you giggled. He held his fingers, which were inside of you a couple seconds ago, to your mouth and looked at you. “Suck.”, you did as he told you, slowly sucking his fingers and tasting yourself.

Mark pulled his pants and boxers down, your mouth wide open as you saw his cock straight as straight as possible and precum on his tip. He was about to get a condom from his nightstand but then he could feel your hand around his cock. He hissed at that feeling. “Fuck- babe- “, your hand slowly pumped his cock and Mark didn’t know what to do. He wanted you to suck his dick, he wanted to be inside of you, and he wanted you to keep pumping him.

It seems like you were going to fullfill all of his wishes.

Mark felt your tongue on the tip of his cock. You licked him like a lollipop and sucked on his tip. Slowly, you didn’t want to hurt him, you put his cock inside of your mouth, Mark moaned loudly and closed his eyes for a second but opened them right after to watch you sucking his dick.

You bobbed your head up and down and it didn’t take Mark long to cum. “Babe I’m gonna cum, fuck you’re so good at this, fuck- “, he exploded inside of your mouth, and you swallowed every drip.

“You have no idea how hot you are- fuck, I’m gonna fuck you so good.”, Mark pressed you down on the mattress.

With his knees, he pushed your legs apart again, now to enter you with his cock. He pulled the condom down and placed his member at your entrance. “Are you ready baby?”, he asked you again.

“I’m ready- I love you.”

“I love you so much.”, he said as he slowly pressed his tip against your entrance. Mark slowly pushed his cock inside of your cunt and your gripped the bedsheets tightly. “I’ll stay like this a little.”, he didn’t move until you assured him that he could.

Pain slowly became pleasure, and you were almost begging Mark to go faster. “Please it feels so good.”

Mark rammed his cock inside of your pussy, and he kissed you, because you were moaning so loud, he was scared that the whole neighborhood could hear you.

“Mark I’m gonna- fuck- I’m gonna cum, god!”

“Me too babe, I’m gonna cum so hard.”, Mark’s hand travelled to your clit, circling it with his thumb and with that, you reached your climax. You clenched around Mark’s dick and you were so tight already, that he also came. He closed both of your mouths as he kissed you and he was still inside of you until you calmed down.

“Thank you Mark, I love you.”

“I love you, too. Forever.”

Mark started doing drugs with his friends Jeno, Jaemin and Donghyuck, it was harmless at first, just one or two joints, but behind your back he sometimes did coke. When you found out, he promised you that it was just a one-time thing, just to try it. But whenever you went to a party together, or just hung out, he did it over and over again. You didn’t need any drugs to be happy- after your father’s death, your brother, mother, and Mark helped you go through the pain. You wanted to help Mark, too, but he told you that there’s no pain to be erased. He was doing drugs ‘Just for fun’. You tried to stop him, you told him that he didn’t need any of this, but Mark never listened, he just pushed you away and stopped seeing you as often as before. When he started to take the pills, you did everything to stop him, flushing the pills down the toilette, hide his coke from him, tried to stop him from drinking, but you all know how that ended.

“Mom, I’m alright, and no, I want to stay here, I changed. Everything’s going to be alright.”, he hugged his mother back as he looked out of the window, staring at you room across the street.

Mark was in his room, nothing changed, he unpacked his back and he saw the picture of you next to his bed on his nightstand. He held the picture in his hand and looked at your pretty smile. His sight became blurry and he tried to stop the tears. No more crying, he believes that everything’s going to be perfect. He needs a little more time until he was ready to face you, your mother and brother.

First day of his last year in high school. Mark was beyond nervous and scared. You were probably in college now, on your way to become a teacher. It was always your dream to teach children, you adored them, and you always imagined a life with Mark as the father of your children.

Mark was really early on his first day, he was sitting in the classroom, next to the window. Memories flooded his mind of you two in high school. How you skipped class just to go to McDonald’s, how you went to the rooftop to make out and how you waited for him after, well, after he smoked joints with his friends behind the school.

The bell rang and everyone entered the class, what Mark didn’t except to see was you, entering the class while talking to a girl. His world stopped turning. Why were you here? Did you see him already? What were you talking about and why did you smile like that?

You saw someone staring at you, but you didn’t pay attention to that, you sat down and listened to your teacher.

“Good morning, everyone. I have an announcement to make. We have two new students in class. Mark and (Y/n). They both missed a year, please tread them nicely.”

Mark’s palms were sweaty, he couldn’t focus. You were here, here with him, but why?

After class ended, you packed your things and left the classroom with that girl you talked to when you entered. Mark needed to do something, he just had to.

He ran after you and called your name. “(Y/n)! Wait!”

You turned around, your new friend said goodbye and left you there with Mark. “Yes?”, you asked confused.

Mark stuttered “H-Hi. I-It’s been a while.. “

“Uhm hey? Sorry but, do I know you?”, you asked, very confused by his words.

Mark stopped breathing, were you going to act as if you didn’t know him? His heart was beating against his chest and he felt like collapsing.

He didn’t say anything, and you talked again. “I’m sorry but I lost my memory, did we go to high school together last year?”, Mark was speechless, you had lost your memory?

“Y-You lost your memory? H-How If I may ask?”

“I fell down the stairs, it’s a little embarrassing, I’m a little clumsy. I’ve spent a couple months in hospital last year, that’s why I am here again. And you?”, you thought making friends would be a great idea.

“O-Oh I’m sorry…”, Mark stuttered, he didn’t know what to do. Should he tell you that it was his fault? Should he tell you that he’s your boyfr- your ex-boyfriend?

“It’s alright, It just sucks that I can’t remember my life, like the most important time of my teenage years, you know? So, were we friends? Did you know me?”, you were too nice, he didn’t deserve that.

“Uhm… no, I mean we were in the same class, and, uh, you were always nice to everyone and you were always smiling and stuff…”, he blushed.

“Do you want to go to McDonald’s with me? I know we just kind of met but I want to hear more about last year, about everything I forgot, you don’t have to, of course.”, you didn’t know why, but your heart beats faster as you talked to that guy you didn’t even remember.

“Sure, yeah I’d love to.”, spending time with you? Mark would never say no to that.

You were sitting next to Mark as he told you stories about your past.

“One day, Mr. Jung send you to detention because you were eating a happy meal in the middle of class.”, he told you and you laughed for the first time since forever.

“No way!”

“You really did that, it was hilarious. And oh, we sneaked out before your detention ended to eat another happy meal- “, he stopped talking as he told you about a memory you shared. “We? I thought we weren’t close.”, you asked.

“I mean you, I-I just said we because we were just eating a happy meal.”, he tried to safe himself.

And that’s how your relationship with Mark Lee started again. You didn’t know that he was your neighbor, you didn’t know that he was your ex-boyfriend and the reason for your memory loss.

Mark and you got closer in the last couple of months, nobody knew that though, not your family and not his, you slowly but deeply fell in love with him and since he loved you already, it didn’t take you long to skip class and go to the roof to make out.

Mark wanted to tell you everything, he wanted to tell you that you have a history together, but he was scared, scared of losing you forever.

“Babe?”, he said.

“Yeah?”, you mumbled, eyes closed. Your head was on his thigh as he caressed your hair softly.

“I love you.”, he confessed.

You opened your eyes immediately and looked at him with big round eyes. “I love you.”, he said again.

“I love you too.”, you got up and sat next to him. You held his hand as you locked eyes. “Can I kiss you?”, he asked softly.

You nodded. You didn’t even know If you had your first kiss, or even a boyfriend, but it felt right. Everything about Mark felt right.

“Before I met you, I was really sad that I couldn’t remember anything, but If I hadn’t lost my memory, we’d never be like this- together. I’m glad that I fell.”

“No!”, he said, raising his voice a little. “I mean, don’t say that. You lost your memory and I’m just.. me. I don’t know I just- I’m also happy that I met you.”, he smiled at you and then he kissed your forehead. “I’m going to fill you pretty head with the greatest memories ever.”

Mark never brought you home, he would always go another way, wait and then he’d go home, when it was dark outside. His mother was a little worried, and after 3 months, your family still didn’t know that he was back.

You’ve been officially dating for a whole month now. It was your one-month anniversary and Mark asked you out. It was a simple date, a dinner and then going to the movies. You didn’t tell your mother that you were going on a date, you told her that you’d meet your new friends from school.

Mark was leaning against his car as you arrived at the restaurant- looking absolutely pretty in your black dress.

“Baby you look gorgeous.”, he pecked your lips. “Sorry that I couldn’t pick you up.”

“It’s alright. My brother drove me.”

His heart stopped beating.

“Y-your brother? I-Is he here?”, he tried to hide behind you. “Don’t worry babe, he let me out on the other side of the street. He didn’t see you.”, you smiled.

Mark was relieved. “Okay, good. I wouldn’t want him to see me with his, uhm, little sister.”

“I would also prefer that you two meet after I tell him that you exist.”, you smiled at him. He shuddered. “You’re going to tell him about us?”

“Of course, you’re my boyfriend and he’s my brother, I don’t want to keep you as a secret.”

Mark gulped, his hands were sweaty, and he was scared.

You entered the restaurant, a little Italian restaurant that looked really pretty. “Wow Mark this place is so great.”, you changed the topic and Mark wasn’t even really listening. His heartbeat louder than your voice. “It kinda feels familiar.”, maybe it was because your first official date with Mark was also here.

You also sat down at your usual place, which you, of course, didn’t know. “Do you think I was here before?”, you asked him as your eyes scanned the restaurant. “I don’t know.. maybe.”

“Are you ready to order?”, the waiter asked and without even glancing at the menu you ordered. “I’d like to have pasta with chicken.”

Mark looked at you, he was confused. What are the odds that you order the same meal you always ordered here. He ordered the pizza he also always ordered, hoping it was just coincidence.

After almost 30 minutes, your orders came. Suddenly, your head hurt. Images of this place rushed through your head. You were eating your Pasta, but you weren’t alone, there was someone with you, but you couldn’t recognize that person.

“Shit what was that.”, you held your head and closed your eyes. “Are you alright babe?”, Mark held your hand and looked at you with worry in his eyes. “Yeah it’s just- This place, I was here before with someone and I was eating exactly the same thing- but I don’t really know. It felt like a déjà vu.”

Mark’s heart was about to fall out of his chest. “M-Maybe it was your brother.”

“Probably.”, you smiled.

After your dinner and the movie you watched (which you couldn’t even really watch because Mark was so close and his hand was holding yours), you left and drove to a perfect spot to talk and, well, make out.

It started with a simple kiss, but now you were sitting on his lap on the backseat as you kissed him, his hands all over your body. You were so close to him, he was losing his mind. Your dress couldn’t even cover your body. His hands on your thighs pulling you closer as his tongue slipped into your mouth.

“M-Mark.”, you moaned as his lips now sucked on your neck.

You could feel him getting harder and harder and you wanted him, you wanted more, but you didn’t want to lose your virginity on the backseat of a car.

“M-Mark, fuck, wait- “, and he stopped before his hand could reach your panties. “Y-Yeah? Am I going too fast?”, he asked, breathing heavily.

“N-No, it’s just- I’m still a virgin.”, you said shyly.

“No- oh wait- “, he stopped talking as soon as he remembered that you didn’t remember. “Y-You’re right, I’m sorry, I got carried away.”, he blushed. After a whole year without touching you- feeling you, his mind was fuzzy. “It’s alright- I just want to do it, uhm, in a bed or something…”, you were still sitting on his lap, and when you moved your body, Mark moaned. “Y-You- Stop moving like this.”

“Oh yeah right sorry.”, how embarrassing, you thought.

“I’ll take you home now okay baby? Did you have fun tonight?”, he asked. It was late and completely dark outside, he’d never let you go home alone.

“It was an amazing day, thank you.”, you pecked his lips one last time before you moved to the front seat with him.

As Mark drove you home, he remembered that one last time you had sex. It wasn’t a good memory, maybe even one of the worst.

Flashback

“Mark? Where the hell were you? It’s fucking 4 am in the morning!”

Mark forgot that you were coming over, he was with his friends, doing things you didn’t want him to do and now he had to deal with you.

You noticed that he was drunk and high again. “Mark do you want to kill yourself? Did you lose your mind?”, Mark ignored you as he took off his shirt to change to his pajama. You were standing next to him as you tried to get answers.

“I really don’t want to talk to you right now, my head’s about to explode.”, Mark took off his pants as he ignored your presence.

“You don’t want to talk to me? I’m sorry but I texted you and called you hundred times. You could at least tell me where you were, or with whom and when you were coming home. Or just text me that you were safe. I was fucking worried!”, the last couple weeks were always like this, you talking and him ignoring you.

Mark jumped on his bed, getting angrier every passing second. “I told you to shut up.”

“No, I won’t shut up. You are acting like a stupid asshole. You need to stop, Mark please I’m begging you, stop this.”, you weren’t angry anymore, you were worried and sad.

“It’s none of your business.”, he said coldly, his world was spinning but he didn’t care.

“It is. I am your girlfriend, and I don’t want my boyfriend to kill himself because of his stupid friend and stupid drugs.”

You were standing in front of Mark and now he was looking up to you. “Right. You’re my girlfriend.”, he gripped your wrists and pulled you to him. He changed your positions, you were now under him.

“M-Mark.”

“If you are my girlfriend I can do this right?”, he kissed you on the lips, his cold hand under your shirt. You kissed him back, it felt like you didn’t kiss Mark for years. You had missed it, even If he just ignored the fact that you were worried.

He kissed his way down to you neck. You moaned as you felt his hand on your boob. “Let me take this off, alright babe?”, he asked you. You nodded.

Mark took off your bra and shirt and tossed it away. He kissed your boobs and sucked on your nipples. You felt yourself getting wetter and Mark was hard, even though he was still high and drunk. “Gonna fuck you, okay baby?”, he was suddenly sweet and nice to you. You were happy that he still asked you If you were okay with having sex. “Yes please.”, you moaned.

He took off your jeans and your panties, going straight to you pussy with his fingers and tongue. Without hesitating he pushed two fingers inside of you. “Fuck.”, it hurt a little, but it was alright. Mark sucked on your clit and he was so hard that he stopped before you came. “M-Mark fuck I was about to cum.”, he didn’t care. He looked for a condom in his nightstand and then you felt him against you entrance. You were still really tight, and you thought he’d be slow, but he rammed his cock inside of you.

And he didn’t stop, he penetrated your pussy with hard thrusts and tears formed in the corner of your eyes. “M-Mark… too much- “, but Mark was in trance, he pulled out, you thought he’d be slower now, but he just turned your around so that you were on all four. He gripped your hips, probably leaving bruises.

Again, Mark pushed his cock deep inside of your pussy, his thrusts were hard and fast, his hand was on your clit, circling it and you came. “Mark, stop- it hurts, please.”, you cried as Mark overstimulated you. With his other hand he grabbed your boob and finally released his seeds into the condom.

Your body arched, the way Mark fucked you so roughly was too much for you. You could barely move your legs as you wiped away your tears.

Mark was breathing heavily as he threw the condom into the trashcan.

You hid your body under his blanket. Mark slowly realized how you told him to stop, and how he didn’t listen.

Mark put on his boxers as he went to his bathroom to get a towel. “Let me clean you up.”, he asked slowly. “No, I-I can do it myself.”

He only nodded as he looked at you with heavy eyes. “I’m sorry that I didn’t stop, I didn’t want to hurt you.”, he was about to cry as he saw the pain in your eyes. “I just, I thought you’d like it, I don’t know why I did that.”, you knew why. The drugs, his friends. Everything, just everything around him changed him and made him rougher. Maybe even you.

“Just forget it, Mark.”, you told him, but you meant yourself. You tried to forget that he hurt you like that. “I’m going home.”

He remembered that day, no matter how much he tried to forget it. He was disgusted and angry at himself. He slowly turned to a monster and even If you tried to save him, he was too blind.

Mark wore a cap in the car, you didn’t question why, he stopped on the other side of your house, on his side of the street. The lights in his house were on, even though it was past midnight. “You know, I have no idea who lives in that house, my brother told me that a woman lives there and that’s it. And I never met her, well, as far as I can remember.”

“Maybe it’s better that way, who knows.”

“You’re right.”, you looked at him. “I love you Mark.”

“I love you more, (Y/n). You have no idea how much I love you.”, before he started crying, you kissed his cheek and went home. Mark couldn’t go home yet. He drove two streets further. He cried and cried, he didn’t know If lying to you was better than telling you the truth, the ugly truth.

You were in the cafeteria eating your sandwich with Mark as one of your old teachers approached you. She was your math teacher last year but obviously you didn’t remember but Mark did.

“Hello, you two, it’s nice to see you still together after last year. How are you feeling (Y/n)? You’ve spent so much time in hospital last year, we all missed you.”, she said.

You were confused. What did she mean with still together?

“Uhm, I’m much better now, I think Mrs.- “, you had no idea who that woman in front of you was. “Oh right I’m sorry- Mrs. Kim. I was your math teacher last year.”, Mrs. Kim smiled at you two. You were so confused that you didn’t notice Mark being nervous next to you. He was scared that Mrs. Kim would say more about your relationship with him.

“So do you remember Mark?”, she asked.

Mark’s eyes widened, he chocked on his juice and you did not understand anything.

“No, not really.”, you said with a sad smile.

“Oh, but look, you still found each other again.”

Before Mrs. Kim could say anything more, the bell rang, and Mark could finally breath again.

“Mrs. Kim we really have to go to class now.”, Mark grabbed your hand and pulled you with him.

“Mark what did she mean?”, you asked him, but he ignored you. “Mark? Can you let go?”, Mark’s grip tightened, and it started hurting.

He pulled you to the rooftop, ignoring the fact that you indeed had to go to class. “Mark you’re hurting me.”, you finally said, and he immediately let go.

“W-what? I’m sorry I didn’t want to! I’m sorry I didn’t want to hurt you please forgive me.”, Mark hugged you tightly and apologized. He hated to hear that he hurt you.

“Hey, calm down. It’s alright. But please tell me what Mrs. Kim was talking about.”, you hugged him back to assure him that it was alright.

“I don’t know, I guess she talked about how we ended in the same class again or something. I really don’t know.” he said as he placed a sweet little kiss on your neck.

“Oh, okay.”

Mark kissed his way from your neck up to your mouth. He kissed you slowly, his hand on your cheek slowly stroking your skin with his thumb. He entered your mouth with his tongue and the slow kiss turned to a heavy make-out session.

You were so lost in the kiss that you didn’t notice the raindrops slowly falling. It started raining heavily and as you kissed Mark, your head hurt again. Your lips left his and you closed your eyes, holding your head tightly.

“Shit shit Mark it hurts.”, the images In your head felt familiar, the way you kissed Mark on the rooftop of your school under the rain felt so familiar.

It felt familiar because It happened already.

Flashback

“Mark are you crazy? It’s raining!”, you laughed at your boyfriend who insisted to skip class to go to the rooftop.

“What about it? It’s just rain babe.”, Mark was standing in the middle of the rooftop, completely wet. He looked up to the sky, eyes closed and a big smile on his face.

“Your gonna get sick!”, but Mark didn’t care.

“Come here! Let’s get sick together and we can stay at home and cuddle!”, you laughed at his comment.

“Fuck it.”, you ran to Mark and hugged him tightly. “It’s so cold!”, you were freezing.

“I’ll keep you warm.”, and then Mark placed his lips on yours.

You really felt warmer, with his arms around you and his soft lips on yours. You made out under the rain until it stopped, and the dark clouds were gone, and the sun shined again. “Look a rainbow! Make a wish!”, you said as you looked up to the sky.

“My wish has already come true.”, you didn’t notice the way he looked at you. But after a couple months he stopped looking at you like you were the most important thing in his life. Mark slowly replaced you with drugs.

Bit by bit, your memories came back, but you weren’t sure If your mind was playing with you or If the memories actually happened.

Two weeks later, you were smiling so hard because of a sweet text Mark had sent you and Taeyong caught you. “Why are you smiling like that?”, he asked you. You mother was out, grocery shopping, and your older brother wanted to hang out with you, help you to remember a couple things.

“Alright, I’ll tell you. But don’t do that older brother cringe shit, okay?”, you smiled brightly. “Okay, I promise.”

“I, uhm, I have a boyfriend.”, you confessed.

“You? A boyfriend?”, he asked mockingly. “Shut up! I’m serious.”, you laughed. “Alright alright. So, tell me about him.”

“Well, just like me he’s repeating the last school year because he missed it. He’s super cute and so adorable, he’s like a little puppy you’d want to cuddle forever. He’s born August 2nd and he’s a Leo.”

“What’s his name?”, your brother asked casually as he ate chips. “His name’s Mark, he lived in Canada, that’s why he missed- “

“What the fuck are you saying?!”, Taeyong yelled.

“W-What?”, his sudden outburst surprised you. “His name’s M-Mark.”

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me!”, Taeyong yelled again. “Yong, you’re scaring me. What’s wrong?”

“You stay here, you hear me?!”, you nodded even though you were really confused. Taeyong ran straight out of the house as you watched him through the window, running across the street and hammering on the door of your mysterious neighbor.

“Open the door!”, Taeyong yelled.

You were too curious to just stay here, and you didn’t understand anything that’s why you ignored Taeyong order and ran after him.

“What is going on- Taeyong?”, a woman, your mother’s age, opened the door with a shocked expression.

“He’s here isn’t he?! When did he come back and why didn’t you tell us?! I told you not to let him close to my sister ever again- “, he yelled but someone interrupted him, someone you didn’t except to see there.

“Mom what’s going- H-hyung?”, Mark almost dropped his phone as he saw Taeyong’s angry face, he could almost see the smoke coming out of his ears. Mark’s eyes travelled behind Taeyong, meeting yours.

“I told you to stay away from her! I told you to leave her the fuck alone!”, Taeyong screamed.

“M-Mark? W-What are you doing in… in that house?”, you were so confused, scared and your head started hurting.

“I-I can explain- ““No! You can’t explain shit! Didn’t I tell you to stay away from her? Are you fucking addicted to hurting her? She lost her memory because of you!”, Taeyong referred to Mark’s addiction before. Everything started to make sense, the déjà vu’s you had whenever you were with Mark, his fear of meeting your brother, his overprotectiveness and shit, even Mrs. Kim was so obvious about your connection with Mark.

“Hyung please just listen to me, I changed- I’m not the same anymore. I’m a better person now- “

“A better person?! You’re using her! Again! You’re using her memory loss! You’ll never be- “

“(Y/n)!”, Mark yelled as he saw you collapsing on the floor with blood coming out of your nose. Your head hurt so much like never before, seeing Mark in that house, that woman and just everything right now was too much. Why did they know each other? Scenarios of Mark, Taeyong and you played in your head. How you hung out together, how you talked to Taeyong about Mark and the memory of you talking to Mark’s mom about Mark’s addiction. It was too much.

You woke up with a heavy headache. Taeyong sitting right next to you and your mother on the other side. “W-Where’s Mark.”, was the first thing you asked. “I’m calling the doctor.”, Taeyong said coldly.

“M-Mom? My head hurts.”, you said. Your mother placed a kiss on your forehead. “Everything will be alright, honey.”

You fell asleep again, too exhausted because of the memories that came back. You dreamed of moments with Mark, moments that felt so real, moments that actually happened but you couldn’t remember before. Mark and you going to McDonald’s after midnight. Mark and you making out in your bedroom. Mark’s hands all over your body as you two had sex. Mark yelling at you, throwing things on the floor and just hurting you. Mark being high and fighting with someone who wanted to dance with you at a party. Many memories of you crying and him yelling. All your memories came back, many puzzle pieces finally together.

You remembered everything.

Mark played with you, again. He broke your heart, again, and you had lost your memory because of him.

You didn’t tell anyone that your memories came back. You wanted to talk to Mark about everything first, you wanted to hear him tell you the truth and that’s why you texted him to meet you at the rooftop.

“I was so worried.” as soon as Mark arrived, he hugged you from behind. “Are you alright, princess? I’m sorry that I couldn’t visit- “, you interrupted him “You can stop the act now, Mark.”

“W-What do you mean?”, he knew exactly what you were talking about.

“Were you ever going to tell me?”, you asked, trying to hold in your tears.

“Babe- “

“I asked you a question!”, you raised your voice. “I wanted to. I swear I wanted to tell you, but I was so scared.”

You pushed his arms away and turned to him. “I can remember. Everything.”

“I-It was an accident, I love you. I always loved you.”, he cried.

“Not as much as you loved your drugs.”, you were tired, your head was arching.

“No that’s not true… I-I changed… I went to rehab I’m clean… I love you”, he couldn’t even look you in the eyes. “And all you needed was to push me down the stairs to become clean?”, you allowed your tears to fall down no, it hurt too much to hold them in.

“I’m so sorry, I love you.”

“You told me that I’m useless. You told me that you never wanted to see me again, you told me that I’m a piece of shit. If so, why did you make me fall in love with you again?”, your voice cold as ice and your eyes empty.

“I didn’t mean any of it. I was high and… and angry and just stupid, I promise you I- “, Mark fell on his knees, holding onto your legs. “I didn’t mean it, I didn’t mean it.”, he repeated his words over and over again. “I didn’t mean it, please forgive me. Please I love you so much. I can’t live without you.”

“I don’t even know you.”

“You do. You know me! I’m Mark, the Mark who loves you forever until his last breath, I’d die for you, I’m the Mark you always wanted me to be. I love you (Y/n).”

“I-I can’t trust you.”, it hurt so much.

“Yes, you can, just give me a chance. The last months, they were perfect. You fell In love with me twice, we are destined to be together. Please just give me one last chance to make you happy.”, Mark was back on his feet, holding your face in his hands, slowly stroking your tears away with his thumbs.

“I-I don’t know, it’s too much for me right now.”

“Please, please give me another chance, let me show you how much you mean to me and how much I love you. I love you so much.”, Mark kissed your tears away. “I love everything about you. I love your nose, I love your beautiful eyes and I love the way you laugh. I love the way you want to help everyone. You’re so kind, sweet, you have a big heart. I want to hear you laugh until my last day on this planet. I don’t want to see you cry or hurt, I want to make you happy- I just want to spend the rest of my life with you. I’m so thankful that we moved here, I can’t imagine my life without you.”

You knew that Mark’s your soulmate, you fell in love with him twice and all good things come in threes, right?

You kissed him on the lips like never before, so many emotions were going through your bodies and connected like your lips. Pain, longing, yearning, hurt, passion, desire & bittersweet love.

“I still need time, this is just still too much for me to handle. The memories- it feels like I’m with two different Mark’s here right now. I know that you changed, but still, it feels like I just went through the pain all over again.”, you said as you broke off the kiss.

“I understand that, and you can have as much time as you want. I’ll wait for you, no matter what.”, Mark smiled at you and you could feel that he was genuine.

It took a few months until Taeyong accepted the fact that you and Mark were trying again. He still didn’t allow him in the house or any physical contact next to him. Mark proved you that he really changed, he always made sure to make you happy and feel loved. Not a single day without Your mothers started talking again and a heartbreaking, but sweet restart happened. Mark and you finished high school and fortunately you got accepted to the same college. You moved in together and lived the life you always dreamed of.

“Everything’s perfect, but do you know what’s missing?”, Mark asked as you snuggled up to him under the blanket.

“What?”, you placed a sweet little kiss on his jaw.

“Babies.”

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