#I need healthier coping mechanisms and I also need to lose weight so can my new thing just be sports

[hobisexually]

I should not be allowed near a shopping street when I’m feeling a bit unstable let me tell you that much

[incorrect-jojolands-quotes]

People theorized Paco's one year hiatus as him being a rock human in hibernation or taking Barbara Ann's suggestion that he was in jail for theft, or he was simply on a different year-long adventure involving a crime spree.

My theory? Paco was gone for a year because he was actually hiding from his abusive father.

(trigger warning as I discuss child abuse and abuse regarding food)

My headcanon is that Paco dealt with abuse from his father for his entire childhood. He's tried to escape and find help but he was failed too many times by the adults in his life. Him getting his ear bitten off ended up being a turning point, because it was around the time he met Meryl Mei. We know she's a beloved principal and, as a school employee, is a mandated reporter. Whether Meryl Mei genuinely wanted to help Paco out or see him as a potential underling that can be manipulated is up to interpretation, but she used her resources to finally get Paco's dad arrested and imprisoned.

I don't see Paco's dad as someone who would willingly plead guilty and go off quietly. I don't think he'd hesitate to drag the trial for as long as possible, encourage his lawyers to intimidate and invalidate Paco's experiences in court, and possibly hire people to attack Paco outside of court. Even with Meryl Mei's resources to protect Paco and provide what he needs to fight against his father, the whole process for a child like Paco is mentally and emotionally exhausting. Hearings and meetings with social workers or legal counsel involve occuring when he should be in school, being forced to relive your abuse on trial and be cross examined for it sometimes back to back, going into hiding for fear of retaliation because even the police and witness protection may not be enough, and the fact that everyone eventually catches on that your dad is on trial because of you means school is put on the back burner. Paco tried to keep up with his studies at first, but he ultimately halted them as the trial takes a toll on his overall well-being.

To add, the stress of it all could explain how he was formerly chubby and then leaner so rapidly. We don't know exactly why he started out chubby before being very shredded, although there is a correlation between those who experienced childhood trauma and those who develop unhealthy eating habits that lead to obesity. It's possible Paco used food as a coping mechanism growing up or intentionally fattened himself as part of his survival. Food could have also been used against him by his father as well, either by forcing Paco to gain weight or withholding food as punishment. In terms of the latter, it could explain how Paco developed his kleptomaniac tendencies and his chubbiness could be due to him constantly stealing what he can to get his next meal and eating anything he can in fear of not knowing where his next meal will be.

Long story short, Paco's dad is now in prison for crimes of child abuse among other things and it will be a while before any chance of him getting out will happen. By now, Paco is a legal adult and therefore no longer forced to be under any guardianship but he no longer has to look over his shoulder like before. Although he had to be held back, he can return to school safely to finish his education under Meryl Mei and he prefers to keep his experience under wraps for the time being. Out of gratitude and feeling indebt to her, Paco became a loyal lackey and ended up working with Jodio and Dragona shortly after. I personally think he lost some weight due to stress caused by the situation, and continued to lose weight afterwards because he finally could relax and get better access to food among other things. Paco took the opportunity to start focusing on his wellbeing now that he's no longer on survival mode, being able to maintain a healthier diet and lose weight more sustainably, and it further motivated him to get the ripped muscles he has now.

Unfortunately, with how things timed out, his ear couldn't be reattached. Whether Paco is saving up for his ear to be improved or sees it as a symbol of his survival is up to you.

What do y'all think? I'd like to hear your own headcanons about Paco too.

[queerpunktomatoes]

This isn't something I really talk about on this blog but as someone who is chronically ill/mad, a lot of y'all stop caring about autonomy and a person's right to choose how to care for themself when it's an 3@t!ng d!s0r3r. (Yes, I'm pissed that I have to censor that, and I'm really sorry to people using screen readers.)

I've had this experience for over ten years now, and while I am so for people "choosing recovery" and sustaining hope, that's also not the only option or the only one that's somehow morally correct. Some of y'all are out here acting like I have absolutely no brain cells when I say that I'm not "in recovery." You act like I'm either "crazy" and therefore unable to rationally make a decision or I just have a d3@th wish. Neither is true.

The system royally screwed me and many other folks over. I was privileged enough to be in specialized treatment as a teenager, and obligatory "this is just my experience," but it was all about refeeding. They didn't care about why I was engaging in these behaviors. They wanted to make sure I was medically stable and then they sent me back to my parents' house with strict instructions to keep an eye on me. In many ways, treatment made it worse.

(I have one specific memory of group therapy, where we were talking about body trends throughout history [presumably to illustrate that the perfect body is a myth]. The therapist said, "How about Marilyn Monroe?" I started, "Well, she was thin, but she wasn't-" and the therapist cut me off to say, "No, she wasn't!" and explain how she was curvy and beautiful and everyone loved her. This was well-intentioned. But to me, the teenager with years of obsessive urges and crippling body dysmorphia, who legitimately was fatter than Marilyn Monroe, this became a core memory. It might seem a small thing, and in the grand scheme of things, it is. But I learned a lot about what was expected of me in treatment at that moment.)

Treatment inadvertently taught me many things. It taught me that recovery needs to be fast, because it's a drain on family members if it's too slow. It taught me that people who looked like me don't need recovery the same way as others, I needed to "eat normally" and leave. It taught me that it didn't matter what I needed, what I was getting from my behaviors, because the behaviors were bad. It taught me that my experience was somehow intrinsically different than others', because maybe I really did need to lose weight. It taught me that if I wanted to be a good person, I needed to "get better."

So when I "failed" at recovery, I felt horrible about myself. When I lapsed and relapsed and struggled to stand up on my own, I felt morally inferior, because recovery is what you do. People who don't recover d!e. Good people try harder.

I've come to realize, now, that I wouldn't use these behaviors if I didn't need them. I don't enjoy them (contrary to popular belief). I've found some alternatives that work sometimes and others that never do. I've been in therapy for years now, and every therapist says the same things about needing self-confidence and healing childhood trauma. But it doesn't matter, and it never has. I have a great relationship with myself. I think I'm wonderful, and I see my weaknesses, and I'm committed to my growth. Yeah, there's some childhood stuff, but I've been working through it for years, and I'm way healthier now than I have been historically.

And I still use these coping mechanisms. And I think I might always, to some degree. Could I "get better"? Maybe. I don't know, honestly. That's a massive amount of time and resources. It's hard work that demands your focus and energy and money. It's even harder work for people who are multiply marginalized to access services. Maybe I will pick "recovery" one day.

Right now I'm committed to harm reduction. I eat when and what I can. I take care of myself when and after I use a behavior. I'm honest with the people I trust. I don't pretend this isn't happening to me and I don't pretend that it doesn't suck. And equally, I let myself have good days. I don't invalidate myself when things are going well. I don't lie to myself.

And I'm not "crazy" for choosing this. "Recovery" as a concept is inaccessible to me right now. I'm Autistic and have yet to find a provider willing to accommodate my sensory issues. I'm a student and unable to pay for better health care. I'm just not ready to recover. (They say you'll never be ready, and I disagree, but that's another post.)

This doesn't mean I'm engaging in everything all the time and spiraling constantly. I do what I can, when I can. But people consistently act like this is not a rational decision. But it's my body. It's my life. It's not the safest way to live, and I know that. But I get to pick anyway.

I know this post is chaotic and I'm not sure if I got across what I'm trying to, but the point is, even if I wasn't picking harm reduction as the current safest, healthiest, reasonably accessible path for me, it would still be my choice. If I decided to engage until I d!ed, that is still my choice. I, and other chronically mad people, should still have autonomy. I'm still a person. I'm doing this for a reason, and calling me "crazy" or "incompetent" only serves to alienate me more from the recovery I might eventually choose.

But I deserve support even if I never, ever, "get better."

[winglssdemon]

I am once again BEGGING you guys to stop getting your medical info from tik tok. Just because they have the word "doctor" in their url doesn't mean they're not spreading extreme amounts of medical misinformation.

Happy New Years, FAD diets don't work. The reason why is because fad diets have you lose too many calories at once in an unsustainable way. So while you may lose weight in the beginning, the second you go off of it and eating and doing the same amount of physical activity as before means you will go back to your current weight.

A diet is not always a bad thing. In fact a diet is literally just what you eat. Like gluten free folk have a gluten free diet.

If you lose weight you are not going to go into starvation mode since starvation mode is a myth. People who starve lose too much weight and can die from being underweight.

You can lose weight in a safe, healthy, and sustainable way. It's through making healthier choices, having portion control, and increasing physical activity. Once you lose excess weight, you then maintain the weight loss by continuing to make healthy choices.

Just like there are times when weight gain is needed, there are times when weight loss is needed. Over the last couple years I have practiced slow, sustainable weight loss learning portion control, learning how many calories to eat to be ENOUGH and a rough calorie stopping point. I also stopped using food as a MALADAPTIVE coping mechanism, I was using food in a way that was becoming detrimental to my health. Eating every time you're upset, eating every time youre in pain, eating every time your bored, is DISORDERED eating. I have been going to therapy and working on this.

Over three years I have lost a fair amount of weight and by weight loss and eating better I have improved my hypertension significantly, my migraines flare up less, my pain flares while I still def get them, they're less often and not always as extreme, and my mental health is MUCH better.

Weight loss will not automatically make everything in your life better, it shouldn't be an automatic New Years goal, but let's stop with the bullshit science. There's no starvation mode. Moderation is not restriction. While calorie counting isn't for everyone it won't cause an ED by knowing your rough daily intake. Also, diets do not automatically cause EDs because EDs are most often based on control, stress, and mental health issues.

And reminder, it's ableist to tell people that they should ignore their REAL LIFE (not tik tok) doctor recommendations on how to improve their health, esp when you're telling a disabled person that because we get enough fake science bullshit 'health' advice all the time.

AND NO YOU CAN NOT BE HEALTHY AT EVERY SIZE. You can be healthy at a wide range of sizes and you can participate in healthy habits at every size but there can be detrimental health effects like hypertension, type 2 diabetes, fatty liver disease, and even straight up chronic inflammation from being overweight. Just being overweight doesn't automatically mean you will get these issues but it does mean that for some people that we/they will need to work on weight loss to help these medical issues. It's like how you get detrimental health issues from being underweight.

Oh and just because someone loses or wants to lose weight and they're the same size as you? It's not an attack against you either. Weight loss is a PERSONAL choice and harassing someone because they lost weight (cough Adele and Rebel Wilson) is an entitled dick move.

[edrecovery-space]

So, two things…

number one isn’t ED related, but I’m worried the anxiety of it could potentially make me relapse? But so far I’ve been doing good… I have a yummy sandwhich for lunch and I’ve been doing really good about eating healthy this past week or so

for thing two : tw weight loss and sort of vent??

I’ve been waiting for a DID diagnosis for a while now… and the other day my psych reached out to my father and therapist. She said I don’t have DID, but that I have major depressive disorder and PTSD… and that I may have or am severely at risk for having BPD… my therapist disagrees and still thinks I have DID. The main reason I think my psych said I don’t have it is because she asked about alters and I panicked and mentioned this one alter who is a trauma holder and basically her whole role is to hold guilt and trauma… which made the psych think I have BPD and/or just have “personalities” as a “coping mechanism”… because the alter only holds a specific emotion so she took that as my alters are just me but different emotions and aspects of myself, just not in a DID way. Weirdly the way she explained it all sounded almost exactly like DID though… and some sort of other disordered system… and she said that that may not be a final diagnosis and that me thinking I have DID and my symptoms are still valid and should still be taken seriously… so I’m very fucking confused about all that… she’s going to talk to me personally and talk to me more about all that stuff. BRIGHT SIDE- she lectured my dad for an hour on how he needs to use he/him pronouns and our chosen name for us

I fucking lost weight and I am pissed about it… I was finally happy with my body, but then I had a health issue/concern so I had to exercise more and lose weight… so I had to work out a lot and eat healthier but also had to eat 3 meals a day minimum… and that was a bit ago. And now that I’ve stopped exercising and working out I’ve somehow lost fucking weight… I was confused at first, but honestly it could just be that my body is no longer in starvation mode so I’m actually eating properly now… still upset about it… because my old jeans from 2+ years ago are still way too small… but my new jeans are way too big and literally falling off me… you can see the difference in my stomach size… and idk. I’m annoyed. I realize I should probably be happy but it feels like more of a loss than a win… because it reminds me that I still need to lose so much weight and makes me feel gross because I’m still heavy and overweight

im keeping up health eating habits. So yay

hoping I can continue keeping them up…

the other night I did almost start binging BUT I did not… someone in the system stopped me… so yay… I’m proud of myself about that at least

sorry for sad stuff 😅

-🐥

sounds a tad bit like your psych might not fully know about did or is mistaking what they understand for something else, the later of which tends to happen a bit.

very very proud of you for healthy eating /gen

i hope things only keep getting better for you from here on out!

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Tw : possible Eating disorder , addiction to medicine

Hello ! I want to ask a question. Since July I think , my eating habit changed a lot . I always was afraid of throwing up and I still am ( I always get panic attacks when I feel like I have to vomit ) which is why my eating habit changed. Because since July I started to eat less out of fear of throwing up and whenever I felt like I ate to much , I took a medicine even tho didn’t even feel sick in that moment . ( I also got kinda addicted to that medicine and I took it all the time after eating) . I also never ate anything when I was driving anywhere because I always get sick in the car . So every time I would go anywhere, I would not eat anything the whole day . But It all got better for a few weeks . I ate like a normal person again and I stopped taking medicine. But since about a week , I started eating less again and I also started taking medicine again after every meal ( only out of fear ,even if I didn’t eat much ) . I know for a fact that this feeling of throwing up is only in my head . I’m only imagining it because the doctors couldn’t find anything inside of me that could cause the problem. I just don’t know how I stop imagining it . I’m thinking of seeking professional help because I’m getting more worried because I also started to lose weight. But I wanted to ask if this sounds like an eating disorder ? And should I really seek help ?

Im sorry for my awful English:( I hope I wasn’t bothering anyone, bye

Hi anon,

First of all your English is fine, and please know you're never bothering by sending us an ask. You're using our inbox exactly as it was intended.

It sounds like you're struggling with symptoms of emetophobia, which can lead to eating disorders such as anorexia and ARFID. If you're able, you should seek help for this. A therapist, ideally someone specialized in eating disorders, may be able to help you the best. There are several physical complications that can happen as a result of emetophobia, so it's important to treat it as soon as possible.

My sister has emetophobia and some symptoms of ARFID. She takes Dramamine for car rides, though I would definitely ask your doctor or GP first if that would be compatible with you. But please know that you're not alone. Vomiting is extremely unpleasant, and it's understandable to want to avoid it as much as possible. However, it's important to understand that there will be times in your life where it'll happen, so it's good to replace maladaptive coping mechanisms such as misusing medication with some healthier coping mechanisms to deal with those episodes. That way you can minimize the damage you do to yourself in desperate efforts to avoid vomiting, and you can also feel more prepared in the future.

Hope I could help. Please let us know if you need anything and I wish you the best of luck in seeking treatment.

-Bun

[awed-frog]

What I don't understand is how angry people get when they are told that obesity and being overweight are both risk factors for poor covid outcomes. I was already working on losing weight but that lit a fire under me. I shared some of my weight loss journey to help. The pushback was insane. It's not a moral judgement, I'm overweight too! Boomers can't help their age, but weight is changeable. Diseases don't care about hurt feelings. Anything we can do to better our chances should be priority one.

Hey, first of all congrats on making good decisions! It’s not easy but you’re right - if you’re overweight or obese, now is a great time to take care of your health and reduce your risk to catch this thing, so KUDOS!

(Really: I know we’re all panicked af, and I’m not shaming anyone who’s gaining weight because of a stressful home situation or emotional eating or anything, but developing healthier coping mechanisms is absolutely crucial, and we all need to do our best there.)

As for the why, I think there’s several reasons.

First, nobody knows anything about nutrition. Even doctors barely study the subject in med school, and for most of them it doesn’t go beyond ‘What foods to avoid if you have turtle vomiting disease’ and the like. The idea that nutrition may be the best form of preventive medicine is still beyond reach for most healthcare professionals. As for regular people, we’re not better off. Most of us discussed nutrition maybe twice in formal education - I remember a two-hour lesson on what calories are, and about six cooking lessons which only featured party-appropriate foods and a few cakes.

Second, the issue is complicated by the fact food is not just how we keep our bodies alive. For mostly everyone, food is about culture, tradition, habits, personality, comfort, being shown affection and showing affection to others. Food is not neutral, and that’s one reason why recovery is so difficult for people with eating disorders, and why people who need to change their diet because of specific health concerns find it so challenging to let go of certain foods. 

Finally, and possibly most importantly, the food industry profits off low-quality stuff and it will fight to the death to protect its turnover. Politically, they lobby against any kind of regulation, from safe working conditions in their factories to clearer labels for consumers, but they also target people directly. On top of increasingly sophisticated marketing and lab-perfected recipes, the industry actively funds biased research and makes sure disinformation is spread. Back in January, during my no-sugar month, I read a French book detailing how this works in France - it’s beyond scary. As with smoking and climate change, the goal is not winning the argument but confusing people. ‘One day you hear [food] is bad, the day after they say it prevents heart disease’ - one of those two facts is complete bullshit, but the damage is done. People are fed up and automatically revert to the path of least resistance, which is littered with soft drinks and junk food.   

(I don’t want to add fat activists to this list because I’ve never seen any studies on how influential they are and how many people they brainwash, but while their ideology may not be a huge contributing factor to the mess we’re in, they certainly don’t help.) 

The result of all this is that people mostly grow up steeped into what some call ‘fat logic’ and never manage to claw their way out of it. We live in an obesogenic environment; we accept the idea people put on weight during college, with pregnancy, as they age; that weight gain is mostly inevitable and irreversible; that how much you weigh is out of your control, down to genes and luck. And for most of us, disastrous attempts at fad diets only reinforces the belief nothing can be done and you should just find a way to accept yourself and be happy. 

If you buy into these arguments, then yes, you’re going to be angry and resentful af. It makes complete sense. You’re surrounded by enticing high kcal food and encouraged to snack all day long. Meanwhile, you’ve got fat activists on one side, actively spreading the idea that telling people to lose weight is basically conversion therapy, as weight is as unchangeable as your skin colour or your sexuality, and governments on the other, focusing on the ‘personal responsibility’ message, which further reinforces the idea weight gain is a moral failure. It’s a complete catastrophe.

On the whole, I’m not surprised people react so negatively. I want to hope this virus can be a watershed moment and bring about systemic change, but for now it doesn’t look likely. Still, I’m dreaming of a better future of sustainable food production and the industry heads being dragged to the Hague. No law against optimism, is there?

[bytheangell]

A Heavy Leaf to Turn

(Read on AO3) (tw: self confidence issues, weight gain, canon-compliant self destructive behaviors)

It starts with a comment meant in good fun, just a passing quip during a sparring session about Alec’s new lifestyle making him soft with a tap to his stomach with the staff for emphasis, but it’s enough. Alec isn’t one to fixate on his appearance, barely sparing it a passing thought on a day to day basis. But now that he sees it when he looks in the mirror after training - not just in his stomach but in his face, and a few other places, too  - there’s no denying that between his home life and shift to more desk work at the Institute he’s definitely started to put on weight. 

Is that what everyone thinks about him? That the desk job is making him weak? That he’s not up to par the way he was just a few months ago? 

He shakes it off and tells himself he doesn’t care. It doesn’t matter - he’s still in great shape, can still hold his own in the field, he still got where he is because he’s one of the best. Everything’s fine. 

...until he starts subconsciously slipping back into his old habits. 

---

Jace can practically feel the weight start to lift off of his parabatai’s soul more and more every day. Alec was never meant to be a warrior. Sure, he’s good at it. Hell, he’s one of the best, especially when you put that bow in his hands. But Alec never took any real joy out of the hunt, out of a violent life full of chaos and bloodshed. He did it because it was expected of him - and now that something entirely different is expected of him, something he’s far more suited to, he’s happier than Jace has ever seen him.

This is Alec’s strength: being a leader, making changes in a broken system, paving the way for others like him, he’s not only still playing a huge role as a Shadowhunter but he’s making even more of an impact now than he ever would have in the field. This isn’t just what’s best for Alec, it’s what’s best for the Shadow World as a whole, of that Jace has no doubt. 

Even without their bond it’s easy enough to see that Alec feels truly happy, safe, and loved. It’s all of these things that allow him to grow more comfortable in his own skin. Quite literally: Alec goes from concerningly lean, a clear sign of the overexercising Alec used to resort to daily, to a much healthier weight in the months following his wedding. Jace never makes a joke about the weight Alec starts to put on because he sees it for what it is: recovery. This is Alec getting better, and he’ll be damned if one of his usual smart-ass remarks is what sets him off again. 

Instead Jace makes sure Alec still trains with him when he can, makes sure he goes on a patrol or two to stay involved even if he’s spending most of his time behind a desk now, just so he doesn't feel too cooped up or start to go a little stir crazy. He provides the balance Alec needs between his old habits and the new ones he probably doesn’t even realize he’s forming. And Jace doesn’t even have to let Alec win - Alec can still kick his ass half the time without even trying. 

Jace is also in the training room the day one of the other Shadowhunters jokes about Alec’s weight, and it takes all of his self control not to toss the seraph blade in his hands straight at the guy’s mouth to shut him up. It’s difficult not to react when he looks at Alec and immediately sees the way Alec looks down with that  flash of awareness, the way Jace can see him pull his stomach muscles tighter in response, the glance towards his discarded shirt as Alec debates putting it back on. 

Yeah, Jace is pretty sure he deserves a freaking medal for not murdering the guy on the spot, but instead he goes up to the two of them with a casual smile. 

“Hey, mind if I tap in? It’s been awhile since I got to kick my parabatai’s ass,” Jace jokes, and the other guy leaves without question. 

Alec gives Jace a look like he knows exactly what he’s doing but says nothing, and instead wastes no time lunging forward on the attack. He’s glad to see Alec relax a little more around him, but not completely, which is never a good sign. 

“You alright? You seem a little off today,” Jace asks, not wanting to bring up the comment but hoping Alec will. 

“I’m good,” is all Alec says before leaving. 

Jace hopes he’s telling the truth. 

---

Magnus starts to notice immediately. Of course he’s aware of his husband’s weight gain given just how often his hands (among other parts of him) come into contact with Alec’s body on a daily basis, but given the life Alec previously lead it’s certainly a good change to see. Alec is a far cry from the person he was when they first met - a person who punished himself physically to distract from a number of other problems in his life - and Magnus likes to think he had a pretty large role to play in the transition. 

It’s no secret that Magnus disapproves of many aspects of Shadowhunter culture - their desire to sacrifice oneself for the perceived ‘greater good’ is one among many of those. Magnus watched Alec hide a number of self-destructive habits under the cover of those twisted values, and then watched Alec slowly, almost painstakingly, break away from that mindset. The fact that Alec hasn’t resorted to any of his old coping mechanisms lately is something that Magnus is grateful for, especially since he knows the sort of uphill battle overcoming self-destructive habits can be. 

So what if Alec puts on a few extra pounds in the process? It’s the healthiest he’s seen Alec since they met, and honestly, Magnus finds him more attractive now than ever before. Though it never comes up Magnus is convinced that Alec has to have noticed by now as well and simply recognizes it as the nonissue it is.  

Which obviously isn’t the case, he now realizes. Magnus can tell the exact day Alec becomes aware of it without any knowledge of what happened at the Institute. That night Alec is self-conscious the moment their clothes are off, something he hasn’t been in quite some time, and Magnus can feel the muscles tense and Alec’s entire body shift away at the trail of lingering kisses Magnus leaves down his stomach. However vocally willing and agreeable Alec is, there’s some lingering reservation he isn’t admitting, Magnus can tell, and isn’t surprised at how eagerly Alec agrees to his suggestion they call it a night instead of going any further. 

When Alec leaves early the next morning, skipping the breakfast they had planned to go on a run instead, Magnus wonders if he should be worried; when Alec starts coming home from the Institute later and leaving early every morning, Magnus knows the answer is yes. 

---

Isabelle catches onto the shift as well. Ever since the wedding Alec’s been happier, like, all of the time. It’s a good look for him - he’s spending a little more time behind the desk, sure but that’s where he needs to be right now. With rumors of him being up for Inquisitor there’s no need to be putting his life needlessly in danger on routine missions that any of them can handle, not while he’s Head of the Institute. Isabelle and Jace both agree to take on a few more roles around the Institute to make sure Alec isn’t the one pulling all nighters covering new trainees or short-staffed patrols. 

The bags around her brother’s eyes start to fade, replaced by a light and a sparkle that she can’t remember ever seeing so consistently. She doesn’t mind the extra work if it means giving her big brother a bit of a break - he certainly deserves one after everything he’s been through lately, and she’s just so thrilled to see him so relaxed that she’d give up anything if it meant he’d get to be this content forever. It’s all she’s ever wanted for him - it’s all she’s ever wanted for anyone she cares about - and after all the time she spent worried he’d never find this sort of peace she’s determined to do whatever it takes to make sure he gets to keep it. 

And then, practically overnight, something changes. Alec starts putting himself on extra assignments, unnecessary ones, and staying out later each night. There are plenty of other people to go instead but he volunteers anyway and by the time his paperwork is done at the end of the night he’s half asleep on his desk. 

She can read the signs - he starts wearing baggier clothing, training in the stifling heat with a hoodie on, and even starts to shy away from some of her hugs depending on his mood. She understands - going from a constantly active life to one that’s more paper work than field work has to be rough, especially for someone who was literally conditioned for it from birth - but she also refuses to stand for it. She hugs harder, compliments him constantly, and even tries to convince him to go shopping with her so she can pick out some new outfits that will suit his current physique better. Anything to keep him from going back to the way things used to be. And after a while he seems to accept that this can work, too, he just has to get used to it.

After a few days of this Isabelle stops him in the middle of gearing up for yet another patrol. “I’m on this one. You go home and get some rest.” 

“I’m fine,” Alec insists, not even pausing. 

“Alec, please-” 

“I said I’m fine, Iz. Really. You can wrap up that autopsy report from earlier and head out, I’ll see you tomorrow.” 

Isabelle watches him leave with a frown, not sure what she can do to make this better and certain Alec wouldn’t let her intervene even if she did.  

---

Maryse doesn’t see Alec as often as she’d like to, but the pair of them have been keeping up a once-a-week dinner so long as no emergencies pop up. This week is no different, except she can tell the entire way through that something is on his mind - he looks exhausted, like he’s been losing sleep, and it’s a look she knows well on him even if she hasn’t seen it in a while. Almost immediately about a dozen red flags go up. 

The last time she saw him this bothered by something was the day he gave the Lightwood family ring back to her after his plan to propose to Magnus didn’t work out. Maryse can’t honestly say that she’s always held the most traditional of motherly values for her children - raising trained warriors puts a different spin on things than a mundane upbringing - but recent developments in all of their lives has shifted the way she looks at things now. 

Things like the prioritizing of her children’s happiness over normal Shadowhunter measurements of success. And right now she can see that Alec isn’t happy, not the way he has been lately. 

She doesn’t pry it out of him, and instead waits patiently, making small talk about their weeks until Alec finally puts his fork down over his barely touched meal and asks: 

“Do you think I’m getting lazy?” 

Maryse could laugh at how absurd the question is, but knows he means it. The gaze he locks on her is serious and troubled. 

“Absolutely not. Why on earth would you think that?” She says instead. 

“You haven’t heard anyone saying anything about… I dunno. How much time I spend in the office? I barely go on missions, my patrols have cut in half... and it’s great to have more time to spend with Magnus, don’t get me wrong, but even that… I’ve become so stagnant I’m actually gaining weight. I haven’t gained weight since I stopped getting taller!” He shakes his head in clear exasperation. “I just feel like I’m slipping up, like I should be doing more.” 

“Is that why you spent all week pulling extra shifts?” She asks, remembering earlier when his recount of the week seemed much more intense than it had the past few months.

“Maybe,” Alec admits reluctantly. “I thought I could try to go back to full active duty, and just keep up with the paperwork at night. If I could pick up patrols and training the way I used to then maybe I could-”

“Go back to being as miserable as you used to be, too?” Maryse cuts him off, and Alec’s words fall short as his eyes widen in surprise. 

“What?” She continues in that ‘I’m your mother and I know’ voice she knows all of her children dislike. “Before you met Magnus and decided to fight for him, before you were appointed Head of the Institute, you weren’t happy. You did all of those things out of obligation, because you felt like you had to in order to prove yourself. You weren’t doing them for you or because you wanted to. You hated that life. And I bet you’ve been miserable all week trying to go back to it.” 

She watches the expression on Alec’s face shift through a series of emotions the longer he thinks over her words. “So you don’t think I’m slacking off?” 

“I think you have to realize there’s a difference between being complacent and being comfortable, Alec. You’re finally comfortable, with a man you love, doing a job you love. I’ve never been more proud of you. You don’t have to push yourself to exhaustion 24/7 to be successful - the past few months are testament enough to that.  And I’m sorry if I was ever a part of making you think that had to be the case.” 

She stops there, watching his expression and waiting for him to really hear what she’s saying to him because this is important. She doesn’t want him to ever feel like he has to go back to the way things were before, not after all the progress he’s made in spite of everything stacked against him. She didn’t know it then but she realizes now how unhappy he was, and she never wants to play a role in that ever again now that she does. 

“Thanks, Mom,” Alec says before going back to his dinner, and she can already see some of that burden lift off of him, some of the spark return to his eyes, and knows he’s going to be okay. 

---

It’s 2 am when Alec gets back to the loft. Magnus knows because despite Alec’s attempt to sneak in Magnus is waiting up for him, awake and sitting on the sofa in the living room. 

“I told you not to wait up for me,” Alec says, but even as the words leave his lips he makes his way straight to Magnus, sitting down next to him and settling in against the soft silk of the robe Magnus has on. It’s almost enough for Magnus to decide to push off the conversation he planned on having in favor of snuggling with Alec on the sofa, but he can’t. It’s too important. 

“I was worried. This past week-” Magnus starts, but doesn’t get much further before Alec cuts him off. 

“I know,” Alec admits, surprising him. There’s no stalling, no deflecting, no making excuses and saying he’s fine… nothing Magnus mentally prepared to hear. “I’m sorry. Someone at the Institute made a comment the other day and I guess I psyched myself out a little over it.” 

Magnus nods. “And how are you feeling about it now?” 

It’s a specially crafted patience Magnus tries to show Alec whenever possible, no matter the situation. Even now Magnus doesn’t ask what the comment was, or demand to know why Alec didn’t bring it up sooner - he just wants to know how Alec’s doing here and now, to make sure he’s alright.

“Better,” Alec admits, shifting to face Magnus as he answers. “It just hit me all at once how much I changed these past few months and I was afraid -  I don’t know what I was afraid of, really. That people thought I wasn’t as good of a Shadowhunter any more? That I wasn’t trying hard enough now that I’m the Institute Head?” 

“Your life has changed a great deal lately, and that sort of shift takes time to adjust to. But I remember when I first met you at the Institute; it wasn’t healthy, mentally or physically, the way you were living. Any changes you’ve made lately have been for the better,” Magnus insists. 

“I can see that now,” Alec says. “I had a little chat with my mother earlier and she put a few things into perspective for me.” 

“Good,” Magnus says, a small smile tugging at the corners of his lips. “Then I suppose I can spare you the lecture, so long as you’re sure you’re alright.” 

“I think I am,” Alec agrees. “At least about all of the job-related things. But…” Alec starts, then trails off again. Magnus can tell he’s feeling self-conscious about whatever it is he wants to say. 

“But…?” Magnus encourages. 

“Nothing. Never mind, it’s stupid,” Alec immediately attempts to take back. 

“Nothing that bothers you, especially this much, is stupid. Talk to me, dear,” Magnus insists, reaching out to take Alec’s hands in his own, the warmth of them an immediate comfort. 

“It’s just… You don’t mind... I mean, I’m sure you’ve noticed-” Alec gestures vaguely, stalling.

“That you gained a little weight?” Magnus finishes for him, not in an ‘obviously’ sort of way, but more of a ‘mercy-fill-in-the-blank’ that Alec was probably never going to manage to say himself.  

“Yeah,” Alec confirms, frowning again. 

Magnus laughs. “Alexander, while your abs are, I’ll admit, a very pleasing aspect of your physique - they’re hardly the reason I’m with you. You could gain a hundred pounds and I’d still love you just the same. Though for the record you are still objectively and entirely unbiasedly the most attractive person in my world. In fact, I’d love nothing more than to show you just how much I appreciate your body when we’ve finished this conversation.” 

“Yeah?” Alec practically sighs in relief. 

“Of course. Your worth isn’t tied to how many hours you spend on patrol, or a number on a scale. You’re working harder than ever to make a difference in this world and that is what I love you for - more than I could possibly put into words. And if you ever doubt that again I’ll be right here to remind you, each and every time.” Magnus makes sure to look Alec in the eyes as he speaks, not allowing any room for doubt that every word is sincere. He needs to know that Alec doesn’t just hear the words, but believes them, too. 

Alec holds his gaze and nods. A moment later he’s leaning back against Magnus’ shoulder again, the world settling back into place around them. They take a few minutes to simply exist, comfortable in the silence between them. Magnus lifts a hand to idly play with a few strands of Alec’s hair, pressing a soft kiss onto the crown of Alec’s head, until Alec finally breaks the silence. 

“I know what you said about… appreciation earlier,” Alec starts slowly. “But could we take a rain-check until tomorrow? It’s been a long week, and honestly, I’m exhausted. All I want right now is a shower and about a week’s worth of sleep.” 

“I can’t help with the missed sleep,” Magnus admits. “But the shower and bedtime cuddles I can do.” 

With a wave of his hand the previously quiet apartment is filled with the distant noise of the shower turning on, water beginning to run so it’ll be warm by the time Alec gets there. It’s a small, simple gesture, but one that Magnus knows doesn’t go unappreciated, especially during moments like these. 

“I don’t know what I’d do without you,” Alec sighs happily. “But I’m glad I don’t have to find out.” 

“Me too, darling,” Magnus agrees softly. “Me too.” 

[assassinwolf189]

30 and B for the character asks!

Hey there! I’m always happy to see you in my ask box, I hope you’ve been well and that everything is good where you are. :) (Sorry this took so long for me to answer, it’s been a wee bit chaotic. :))

I hope this is the right ask meme. 

Uncommon Questions for OCs and their Creators  #30: Who do they most regret meeting?  (I have so many OC children so I will be answering this for my top 4) Shailen: She regrets meeting David; her ex boyfriend from the beginning of the book, who is continuously abusive and condescending towards her,  Sam and the American crew, who after she met them has brought nothing but pain to her and her family such as causing the death of her sister.  However I think the person that she regrets meeting most is probably her childhood best friend that she remet in high school, who has been nothing but emotionally abusive and a weight on her shoulders. 

K9: Not a person would regret meeting anyone but the closest to regret would probably be historical figure Laffayette whom she had a temporary romantic relationship that ended in ruin, and the birth of the french werewolf Tale of Labet becoming a twisted reality; and then her ex allies Portman, Andrew, Chris and Monti; all of which were close friends however the path they chose led them in different directions and a schism within their friendships, never to be trusted or healed again.  Micheal: He would probably regret meeting Grace, a highschool student that asked him out to her prom, (and the first person he ever dated before coming out of the closet as Gay) he regrets meeting her because of the way she used him for the comforts he could provide, his influence and kindness, she then proceeded to cheat on him when he said no to providing her with more than he was comfortable with at the time. 

George: George has probably got the longest list of people he regrets meeting, but the one on top of his list would probably be his Biological father that he meets at a point of which he is proud of who he is, but after their meeting feels that his mother lied to him about who his father was and wishes to return to the days in which he thought that his father was an idol and a hero, and not the monster that he truly is.

Questions for the creators  B) What inspired you to create them?  (This is a lovely question, thank you.) (This will include some of my other characters not mentioned above aswell, all from my main project, and not my fanfictions.) 

Shailen was inspired by Scott and Stiles from Teenwolf , Alice and Thom from the Spook chronicles, Nikki from Dork Diaries, Clawdeen and Venus from monster high, Kate Becket from Castle and eventually Wonderwoman (What a mix am I right?)(Most of these were and still are nostalgic favourites of mine that I carry along with me from my childhood.)  She was meant to be a representative and hug to all those in need, a beacon of light that I used a lot as a coping mechanism as a kid, and as a way of deciding what the best action would be in that situation; a bit of a self insert, but based on the person I could be and not the one that I am.  It takes all sorts to be a hero right?  She’s was also used as a crutch when I needed someone lighter in my life, and a reflection of whatever happens you can still be you, in trauma you can still be kind and in darkness there is light and so on. She is also a hug and representative of what its like to lose apart of yourself and grow accustom to it, and my way of learning that its ok to let go, and grow further. 

K9; inspired by the lady from Underworld, Derek from Teenwolf; Disturbed, Rammestein, Breaking Benjamin other degrees of rock ,my sheer need as a child to feel badass, and on my thoughts as a kid, of but what if I don’t want to wear pink or be a princess, what if I want to be a werewolf on a motorcyle with my scars and long black hair flapping in the wind? (Yeah Also my sheer love for werewolves)  However she’s evolved to be so much more, more a soldier, a person who has been wounded for so long that they no longer feel any pain.  She also became a crutch to me, and a way to get anger off of my shoulders; a way to express my sheer love for writing tragic hero’s; she isn’t misunderstood or brooding she’s just damaged and doesn’t fit into any boxes, she just wants to sleep and be left alone.  She’s probably the person I fall to the most when I’m dealing with negative emotions, and I’ve given her so much of my baggage. But she just continues, and moves regardless of circumstance, she remains her and does the best that she can; she over comes her struggles her own ways and learns healthier coping mechanisms. (She’s the one that I constantly used as a coping mechanism during my times of really bad depression; and I used her a lot before I managed to come clean and start attending therapy, that gave me the notion that if she can survive the shit I put her through and come out on top, I can survive too.) There is more to here than just this but to boil it down, she’s my comfort character, as are many of the rest of the people on this list. I also used her often as a way to cope when I received hate as a kid for being different, and yeah shes just a crutch; my buff queen that just carries me away to safety

Micheal; was inspired by my continuous love for video games, and intelligent and handsome and everything I was told a man should be (Obviously men like everyone else can and should be who ever they want to be but yeah.)  The scientist of the bunch, and a more charismatic version of both Sheldon from the big Bang theory (Who Quite frankly I severely dislike now) and Velma from Scooby doo. Smart, Handsome and a gymnast. He’s also inspired by the dark academia aesthetic; and my dark twisted love of necromancy and dark magic, the showing that he might not be physically intimidating but his mind is as much of weapon as his sister is. (He’s basically the Guy exe song by Superfruit is based on, and the caricature of he’s so dark and handsome *Swoon*)

Over all they are all my comfort characters and are supposed to be traditional tropes turn upside down on their head; which I find quite enjoyable and amusing; I hope that one day when I do publish that people find as much comfort in these characters I have.  Thanks for the asks, these have been wonderful, and I hope you have a fabulous day! :)

[one-abuse-survivor]

(TW: anorexia? I think) So I’ve always had a complicated relationship with my weight. When I was really young I would refuse to drink anything but breast milk and it got so bad that a normal stomach bug got me hospitalized. Later on I became depressed largely due to what I think was my mother being verbally and emotionally abusive. This caused me to use food as a coping mechanism, I was constantly eating and when I wasn’t I was chewing on either my cheeks or nails. Luckily my parents got (1/?)

me a therapist who helped break the habit. However I was still fat, and because of my depression, rather lazy. So sophomore year of high school (I’m going to graduate in 2022) I started skipping meals. I was eating breakfast at lunchtime, eating lunch at around 3 and completely skipping dinner. My therapist basically called it a borderline eating disorder. Luckily I was hospitalized for suicidal ideation before it got worse and I recovered there. Now throughout all this my parents weren’t (2/?)

really helpful. Before they were aware of my starving myself they would mention my weight fairly often, even complementing me on my sudden weight loss. The problem though was that even after the hospitalization and finding out about the starving they still mentioned how much I was eating (even though my 10 year old brother gets the same serving size as me). I told them to stop mentioning food/calories/exercise/weight in general citing my fear of relapse. Yet they still continue. (3/?)

I’m aware that I’m fat, I’m aware that it’s not good for me, but personally I’d rather be the most obese person ever than go through that again. Hell my mom not a week ago mentioned that with my butt and my breast I would have an amazing body if I just lost some weight. And yes she’s constantly complementing my butt and breasts even though she knows I abhor them. And at first I thought maybe I was the one who was thinking about weight too much (4/?)

but I KNOW it’s not just me because now my underweight 10 year old brother wants to go on a diet. When I asked him why he said that he WANTS to be underweight. And thinking about it I’ve might be partly to blame because I mention how much he eats whenever my parents mention my weight, but when I do that it’s trying to prove the opposite point, that me and my 13 year old sister should be eating more than a ten year old. Idk maybe I’m crazy, (5/?)

maybe my parents are right and I am a fatass, but like, I’ve asked them nicely to not mention it. I’ve told them why. And being honest I think that they’re projecting their own self body hatred onto us. And I’m sick of it. I’m trying to lose weight but it’s hard to not fall back into bad habits at the same time. At one point during one of our talks about weight I proposed that I eat when I’m hungry and stop when I’m full, reasonable right? (6/?)

Well my parents found that ridiculous. Listen to what your body is telling you? Ridiculous. Later the same day my dad told me not to accustom my body to feeling full. Like wtf?! You shouldn’t tell that to anybody, let alone someone who might relapse into a borderline eating disorder! Again, I know I need to lose weight, and I’m trying, I’m 185 lbs at like 5’4. But they just mention it so often I can’t help but feel like they care more about my looks than my health! (8/?)

I go swimming daily despite fearing covid and I’m eating less but it’s just never enough for them! I’m trying I really am. I don’t know what to do anymore. Should I just give in and starve myself again? Would they notice? Maybe I’m just a fatass who needs to stop making excuses. Maybe they’re right. But it can’t just be me if my siblings are feeling the pressure too right? Idk, I’m getting an eating disorder specialist soon but I just needed an outside pov sooner than that. Thanks. (9/9)

-----

I am really, really sorry that your parents have put you through all of this 😔 they are not in any way, shape or form right, and they do indeed sound like they care more about your physical appearance than your physical, mental, and psychological well-being. And you have every right to be sick of it! No one deserves to hear those kinds of comments or to live around people who think your worth as a person depends on your weight (it doesn’t). Also, your mom’s comments about your body and how “amazing” it could potentially look according to her are completely inappropriate. You shouldn’t have to care about whether you have an amazing-looking body or not. And the fact that they’re projecting their own issues onto you and your siblings does not excuse or justify the harm they have caused and are causing in any way.

It’s okay to be fat. It’s also okay to pay attention to what your body needs in order to live a healthier life with the guidance of doctors/profssionals that you can trust regardless of your weight (for example, I have really bad back pains and I’m trying to stretch my back every day like my osteopath recommended so it doesn’t bother me as much). What’s not okay is what your parents are doing: ignoring the boundaries that you explicitly asked them to respect and hurting you knowingly, and constantly reminding you that they would rather have a dangerously sick kid that hates themselves than a healthy, happy fat one.

You shouldn’t even be trying to exercise more and eat less without consulting a professional first (one that isn’t biased about weight, too, because many of them are 🙁), and much less during a pandemic, where going swimming could expose you to the virus. You shouldn’t have to put yourself through diets and unwanted exercise and the sensation of “never feeling full” just because the people around you refuse to respect you based on your body type. Fat doesn’t always equal unhealthy, and even if it did, being unhealthy NEVER equals being deserving of less respect than others, being worthless, or deserving to be shamed for living your life like any other person. And I completely agree with you in that I’d rather you--or anyone else--was obese than go through the hell they put you through.

I really hope your appointment with your ed specialist goes/went well! ❤

[fairycosmos]

If you’d like to share, why do you say you have no future? I find myself thinking the same same all of the time too. Maybe i could understand the why of it if i could put into words why it terrifies me so much. Other than the glaringly clear facts that i find myself having no passions or aspirations. Ive been living my life on hold for as long as i can remember. Once i lose the weight ill- once im beautiful ill- after ive_my life will start. Now ive realised that ive lost all this time waiting

honestly YEAH you put it into words pretty well here, even though it’s something that’s so hard to describe…..i guess for me when talking about the bigger picture, the imminent disintegration of modern society and being raised within a system that keeps underprivileged ppl locked in the same cycles and stuff, it’s just…..extremely discouraging. and exhausting to be a part of. takes all of the heart out of me. but i could probably deal with that if i was a different person. like you, i don’t have any solid aspirations or goals and even if i did, there’d be no way to get my foot in the door. because you need to come from the right background to even have a chance at a chance of anything. and i’m not saying i’m starving on the streets or in the worst care scenario, because i’m not. but i do not have the finances to make up for my lack of ability or personality. more than that, i see such a consistent pattern of failure within myself….i don’t have natural talent or beauty, and i don’t have charm or charisma, and i don’t have money or connections. so, what do i have? i just have to get by. i know this all seems very career focused but that’s what we’re raised to see in our futures, that’s what we’re raised to build our whole lives around. and you need to work to survive. so i’m going to spend so much of my life doing something i hate, just to keep going, and thats not living. most of us live that way though, i know. but still. we’re not exactly compatible with it. another thing is my family and my mental illness. there is always a sense of impending doom permeating all of my actions and thoughts. i can’t trust my own perspective, and i’m so useless compared to others. the older i get, the more those around me will wither away and die. and simultaneously, more and more obligations will fall onto my shoulders as the years pass. what little stability and freedom i had will continue to slip as my mum grows more ill, and who knows what else will happen besides that…..’hope’ feels like an unnecessary delusion. i don’t want to kid myself into believing in a version of my existence that i am never going to experience. i want to be mentally prepared for how bad it’s going to be. i’ve been practicing loneliness and i’m getting used to it. i’ve also spent a lot of time waiting, and in turn deteriorating. feels like i’ve been waiting since i was eleven, and now i’m almost twenty, and i haven’t figured out anything. i think the trouble is that in order to grow and to find out who you are you have to keep pushing yourself out into the world over and over again. but that’s so hard when you’re not who it needs you to be, and you know you never will be. it probably seems like a self pitying mindset, but i can’t think of any other narrative that feels as true as this one does. i don’t know….i feel the urge to tell you that a lot of this anxiety is probably just caused by the fact that we haven’t lived the solutions to our problems yet. whatever will be, will be. it’s not impossible to find small moments of happiness and peace, and it’s not impossible to try to live a little more each day. even if that just looks like going for a walk or reaching out to someone you miss. being an active part of the tangible reality while we have the chance, and letting that be good enough. it may be that depression is causing you to feel apathetic towards everything, and if that’s the case i’d really urge you to talk to someone about it. whether it’s your parents, your doctor, a support group or a hotline. please consider it. it’s ok to give a name to the pain, or to the numbness. it’s alright to open up, even if it’s scary. biting the bullet is the hardest part, but know that you deserve support. no matter what your brain is telling you. your mental health is just as important as your physical health and sometimes it needs some care and attention in order to return to a state of equilibrium. training your brain through communication and healthier coping mechanisms WILL lead to a clearer mind frame, and more stable thoughts. we all need help at some point. ultimately, our aspirations transform as we get older. we don’t have to stay the same. and we definitely don’t have to have it all worked out right now. we just have to try to find what (safely) brings us peace and then incorporate into our existences as much as we can. we don’t have to be good at it. we don’t have to make it our job. i think it’s just enough search for what sparks an interest in you, which you can then build off of. nothings set in stone, really. our fear and self hatred doesn’t change such a concrete fact.

[winglssdemon]

Omg

Weight loss does not automatically mean your body is eating your muscles and organs. The antivaxxer level of anti science on this site when it comes to weight loss is unbelievable.

Your body will only start "eating" your muscles if you're losing weight AND YOU DONT NEED TO AND ARE HEADED TO BEING UNDERWEIGHT.

WEIGHT LOSS CAN BE SUSTAINABLE. WEIGHT LOSS IS A VIABLE AND SOMETIMES A NEEDED OPTION FOR SOME PEOPLE.

HUGE REMINDER THAT THERE ARE TIMES WHEN WEIGHT LOSS CAN HELP DISABLED FOLK ESP FOLK WITH CHRONIC PAIN. It's not a cure-all but people with chronic pain experience large amounts of inflammation in the body and having excess adipose CAN cause inflammation just by itself. Compound that with extra weight on joints can make movement that may already be difficult even more difficult.

And while I'm on this rant, I'm SO sick of people acting like overeating and binging aren't disordered eating and also forms of self harm. I'm sick of the "body positive" activists who get SO mad that some fat people HAVE become fat through overeating and binging and want to talk about it. Like why can't those of us who gained weight through disordered behaviors actually talk about it? Why don't you talk about or let others talk about the fact that some people go from a restrictive eating disorder to a binge eating disorder.

Reasons Why I a Disabled Person decided to lose weight:

1. I knew I was eating too much junk food and not eating enough fruits and vegetables. So I started working on moderating how much junk food I was intaking and I have been trying really hard to make sure I choose healthier options.

2. My chest was/is too big. It was beginning to cause actual dysphoria issues along with the excess weight giving me constant shoulder and neck pain. Weight loss cannot be targeted at any specific part of your body, but overall weight loss can help you lose cup sizes.

3. The food was making my chronic pain worse. Many ultra processed foods are known to increase pain in people with chronic pain and it's been proven in multiple studies that eating a healthier diet can help decrease pain. It won't get rid of it, but it can help.

4. I was using food as a maladaptive coping mechanism. Stress eating is not actually helpful in the long run. Sure it makes you feel better while you're eating it, but once it's gone the problems, the pain, the stress is all still there.

5. I want to be able to use my crutches and KAFOs more often and having already lost a fair amount of weight, I can definitely 100% say that I have less difficulty using them than when I was at my heaviest. It's easier for myself to push myself in my wheelchair, and it's easier to propel myself in sled hockey. Among this, getting a bigger chair was just out of the question when I last ordered my most recent chair. The world is already so hostile to wheelchair users and spaces are already so narrow, it's easier to have a smaller chair if possible. Like we can talk all we want about how things need to be more accessible and universal design needs to be implemented everywhere so people in all sizes of wheelchairs esp those in power chairs, can get around easily without this being something to worry about, but at the end of the day, I want to be able to get through as best I can, and making sure I'm not going any bigger with my wheelchair is legit just something I have to do.

And you know what, even with all of these reasons, there's still the fact that people deserve bodily autonomy so if I want to safely lose weight for ANY reason, then that's my choice.

[juupajaa]

💍Honeymoon phase:

Honestly honeymoon phase is something else. I wish there were more studies done on this whole thing bc it is so wild and honestly if I ever become a cool science gal, I will do this research myself. I’m pretty sure honeymoon phase is the whole root of why recovery is so hard and this is definitely the most cruel and twisted stage of eating disorders, even if it’s not the one that causes the most mental and physical suffering.

Ok so now your ed/de has latched onto you and it has a bitching strategy: make you feel like it is helping you. 

In honeymoon phase, your disordered eating is working full time to make you feel better and in turn you are doing whatever it asks of you, in order to feel better. You are “willingly” taking part in disordered behaviour, and it feels like it is working. And you aren’t wrong, it probably is. There’s a good chance your behaviour is causing things to actually improve for you. Some might get compliments for their weight loss or attempts to eat healthier. Others might get more motivated to perform well and get praise from that. For some the new fascination is enough to make things feel better. 

This is the part where your disordered eating is forming into the special cocktail, tailored just for you and your current needs. You try things out and see what works to ease your discomfort. Your de hasn’t fully shifted into a full blown ed yet, but by now it’s on it’s way if it is to come. Your behaviour isn’t the same forever though. It might change along the course of the illness or the events in your life, and if you relapse at some point in your life, your ed/de might be very different from the last time.

In my life, I’ve had four episodes with my ed and each time the behaviour was very different and usually it evolved from one thing to another during the episode, but mostly revolving around one thing. First time I was counting calories like my life depended on it and it evolved into purging over time. Second time was a big ole binge-purge galore, but it had a twist of five consecutive days of starving between binging and purging. Third time I was mainly restricting, but it evolved into food hoarding with a single item diet. Fourth time it was starving and insane food rituals, which evolved into uncontrollable binges. Each of these episodes happened years apart and they went through the stages independently. 

Yet every damn time I fell for this shit like I didn’t know better. The first time, sure, I didn’t know what the hell was going on, but the second time? I was thinking: Oh, no I’m not gonna get into an ed again. I’m just throwing up a little, that’s all. The third time: Oh yeah, I’m not getting sick again, I just really like to hoard food. I’m not gonna eat any of it, but wow would you look at all this food! Fourth time: Yup, this time I got it. I’m gonna lose some weight and not be an idiot about it.

My point is that the honeymoon phase is so damn good, that even if you are fully aware that this might and will end badly, you’re going to go along with it, because it is working and you can’t deal with whatever is going on in your life right now. Here are some things you might experience during the honeymoon phase: 

an increased interest/concern/fascination with food/your looks/nutrition

a sense of having a new hobby, interest, skill or even personality or a friend or a life-style

being in a better mood when you get to engage in your behaviour, and getting irritated or upset if you can’t for whatever reason

your days start to revolve around food, but it’s still manageable

seeking a sense of control, pride, accomplishment, pleasure or satisfaction from engaging in disordered behaviour

you start seeking out information about food/nutrition/weight loss more or less daily, maybe even get lowkey obsessed with it (I used to have a folder on my laptop, full of pictures of food that I would just stare at every day and I dedicated a lot of time in updating and keeping it in order. Hi, my FBI agent, why u didn’t help me out dude?)

During honeymoon phase, you get all the perks of an ed, without the suffering part and it is pretty rosy, not gonna lie. Whatever was worrying you so much before, it’s easier to handle. It feels like you’re doing ok, maybe even good, but at least better than before. You might feel like you’re in complete control of your behaviour and that it isn’t affecting you negatively at all. This is of course false.

The key element of honeymoon phase is that sweet, sweet denial. Some might go full blown actual denial, not even entertaining the thought that this is an ed/de. It might feel like a conscious change in lifestyle and since it isn’t hurting you just yet, it is easy to think so. Others might get something called optimism bias, which is very common among people in general. A common example of optimism bias is that we don’t think car accidents will happen to us. To others sure, but not to us. In the case of optimism bias in an ed/de, you might be fully aware that this isn’t exactly normal and you probably shouldn’t be doing these things, yet the rewards you get from your behaviour are good enough for you to dismiss your concerns. You might even be fully aware that this is disordered behaviour and you might know all about the health risks, yet you are convinced bad things won’t happen to you because you are “not really sick”. Again, false. You are sick and this is how eds/de are. I repeat: Yes you back there, thinking you’re not really sick, just a fake fraud who wants to lose some weight but are too lazy to do it healthily. Trust me, if you were healthy, you’d be losing weight like healthy people do. Your disordered eating is keeping you from doing it, making your relationship with food too complicated for you to lose weight by the books. Same goes for you, dude in the back, thinking you just really love food and it’s normal to hide your eating habits from others out of shame or guilt. It isn’t normal.

Another thing that might happen is that you develop an interest in eds. You start seeking out information and media, anything you can find. You might feel insecure about yourself and wish you could change yourself as quick as possible, convinced that it won’t lead to an ed, because you need to be something special in order to have an ed. This is all normal disordered thinking and don’t feel badly if this was you in your honeymoon phase. You didn’t bring your problems to yourself, even if it feels like it. People without disordered thought patterns don’t actively try to mimic eds. They get bored or tired of it after the first few days or weeks.

What is so cruel and twisted about the honeymoon phase is that it lures you in with promises of better quality of life, hooking you in and making you give your disordered thought patterns time to cement themselves properly. Yet once honeymoon is over, your quality of life will start to sink back down, getting possibly much worse than what it was before your disordered behaviour. And not only that, it also makes you doubt you are sick at all, because you “actively took part in it, so it must have been willful and conscious”, which too is false. It is such a cunt and I hate this bitch so much. 

After the honeymoon phase, if your de will turn into an ed, it will, and if not, you might fall into a disordered eating cycle, and I will talk more about it in the next stage. While you can fall back from all the rest of the stages from this point on, honeymoon phase is something you can’t really ever return to during your current ed. Honeymoon requires you to be in some level of denial and once you slip out of denial, you can’t really fall back into it. This is of course very unfortunate for all of us, because this is the only point where our coping mechanism is actually helping us cope.

The good news is that this is still a very early stage of an ed/de and recovery is still rather quick and painless at this point. Should your situation improve and your coping mechanism to become useless, you might kind of just slip out of the de without any trouble at all. Or in case of other’s getting involved in the situation, the treatment is very effective, since your disordered thought patterns aren’t too strong. Yet. 

[lnthefade]

My relationship with food is complicated. Or maybe it’s not. I love food. That sounds simple, right? But it’s the shape of that love which complicates things.

I eat to survive, of course. That’s the basic first step of eating. You eat because you’d die if you didn’t. But I eat for other reasons, too. I eat when I’m stressed out. I eat when I’m really happy. I eat when I’m sad. I eat when I’m nervous. I et to reward myself. I eat to punish myself.

I eat.

I joined Weight Watchers a couple of months ago and almost immediately dropped 14 pounds. I was so proud of myself, and everyone was telling me I looked great. I felt great, too. Healthier. Lighter. Better.

Then stress happened. A couple of life things at the same time got to me and I went off the Weight Watchers wagon and started feeding myself whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. I quickly gained some of that weight back.

I have no will power. I don’t possess the power to say no to a donut, a burger, a piece of chocolate. Sometimes I’ll eat these things just because they’re presented to me. I don’t even have to be hungry. I just enjoy the act of eating. 

Until after I eat. And then I feel guilt and shame and remorse. I shouldn’t be eating that. I’m going to gain weight. I’m going to feel bloated. It’s bad for you. It’s shameful. Shameful! 

There’s a part of me that wants to continue on Weight Watchers and lose 40 pounds and feel smugly healthy. But there’s also a part of me that wants to give up dieting and the culture that exists around dieting and just be who I am: A slightly overweight middle aged woman who enjoys eating. I want to eat without the guilt attached to every single bite. I want to eat without thinking I’m being judged about my choices. I want to eat in peace.

I know my relationship with food is bad. I use it too much for comfort and solace. I lean too much on it to make me feel better, if only momentarily. I need to find long lasting solutions to my stress, my sadness, my anxieties. Short term “shove a donut in your mouth and enjoy the exhilarating taste of it for thirty seconds” food therapy doesn’t really work. It briefly stems the tide of bad feelings, but once that donut is swallowed, I add guilt to the myriad bad feelings I own. 

So I’m torn. Do I continue dieting and lose weight and feel great but also feel like I’m losing a coping mechanism or do I just say fuck it and throw in the towel and eat what I want. 

The answer lies in what is driving me to lose weight, I think. Society says it is bad to be overweight. Society looks at overweight people with disdain. I wear clothes to hide my belly because I don’t want people to point at me and say I need to lose weight. I don’t want to be judged. It’s all about what other people think of me, whether it be well meaning relatives or complete strangers. Is that a good enough reason to immerse myself in diet culture? Because I don’t want people to side eye me when I’m walking down the street? 

I keep hearing that dieting isn’t just changing the way you eat, it’s a lifestyle change. I don’t know that I want to do that. I just want to eat my donut in peace. I just want to find that comfort in a bowl of mashed potatoes. I just want to enjoy the fuck out a giant burger without all the baggage that comes with it.

I can make peace with my weight as it is right now. Or I can continue to let the ideals of other people dictate my eating habits. 

I told you it’s complicated.

[svetlanabelikova]

JOURNAL ENTRY VIII

TRIGGER WARNING FOR:

weight loss discussion

food discussion

self-disparaging talk

so, about a yr ago, i wrote out my very first entry in this series. it was,,, nerve-wrecking. talking about something i’d spent my entire life online trying to hide from my friends & outer social circle b/c i didn’t want anyone to know how overweight i really was. at the time i was about 350 lbs. 

the last time i officially weighed myself for this series was around february b/c i got very busy w/ moving & then the big covid depression hit. my work-outs took a backseat to trying to be a teacher to my kids, so i definitely went a little off-track for a bit. 

right now i sit at 276 lbs. just shy of the 75lbs. lost goal.

which, doesn’t feel like much to me at first blush. i have to remind myself that it is more than just “a little over halfway”. it is a lot of weight off my joints. it is inches off my hips and thighs and stomach. it allows my clothes to fit better on me-- in fact at this point, i am now wearing the clothes i used to wear in high school & they fit me better now than they did back then. i’ve been digging through old boxes to find clothes i haven’t worn since i was in my teens-- or younger. as i type this i’m wearing one of my favorite flannel shirts that used to be my grandma’s. she gave it to me when i was 10 or so? i grew out of it between 8th and 9th grade. it is strange to know that in my 30′s i am smaller than i was at 14ish 

it is also really sad to look back on myself of the past & realize how delusional i was. i used to go around telling everyone i was barely over 200 lbs. as if that isn’t horribly obese. i literally never weighed myself so i had no idea how big i actually was. 

i’ve also been thinking about making vlogs on yt or smth. i watch a lot of other fat girls on their journeys & it seems like i could get a lot of support from other fat folk if i could move into those spaces. i even recorded an introduction vlog. haven’t done anything w/ it yet b/c i want to draw some title cards as well as edit it, then try to work w/ it to add some effects or filters or smth to make it look a bit more polished before i upload it anywhere. 

i don’t know, i’m not entirely sold on the idea of posting vids of myself. my confidence hasn’t bloomed like i’d hoped. i really was under the impression that as the weight melted off me, i’d come out of my shell but i’m still just uncomfortable all the time.

i can walk for hours. i walk/jog miles every day. i am more physically active than most of my friends but i still feel like a big, ugly, fat, slob. which i know is negative thinking & brought on by stress, but it is hard not to fall back into bad habits. they are easier, old coping mechanisms sometimes feel like the only way to stop my brain from feeling like a child is furiously scribbling on the walls. 

just need to keep pushing myself & remind myself of the good stuff:

i’ve lost 75 lbs.

on my own

i’m healthier now than i’ve ever been

i’m allowed to pick out clothes i like from normal stores rather than having to go shopping once every couple of years at a fat girl store

i’m closer to being more physically independent! soon i’ll be able to get a normal job & drive a car & fly to visit my friends

i know that i still have about 90 lbs left to lose before i reach my goal weight but i am not on anyone’s clock but my own. 

[faithhopeloveandtherapy]

Anon re weight gain. Your answer helped me so much and I want to thank you deeply for taking time to do the answer for me! On the therapy after weight restoration, I hope also that I will have the chance to continue with work then. I don't understand what the process involves with therapy for an ED after weight restoring, do you know of this?

You’re welcome 😇 As to therapy after weight restoration, I don’t know if there’s any set process to follow, but it basically involves looking at why we ended up with an eating disorder as a coping mechanism for things going on in our lives. It didn’t start in a vacuum.For me, it’s involved tracing back things from the present, looking at where they are rooted in childhood. Why do I relate to people the way I do, why do I find certain things difficult, why did controlling my eating become so important to me, why was it so effective at numbing my difficult feelings. How can I learn healthier coping mechanisms now and feel more secure in myself and my choices in life that I don’t need anything to hide behind. As I work through these things, I get to know myself better and not only can I make healthier choices now, I can also be more gentle to myself about choices I made in the past.There’s loads of work to do once your weight is healthier and your mind is more free to be able to engage in it. The issue for a lot of people is sadly they often can’t access therapy at that stage for long enough because services are withdrawn once weight is gained. So then we get stuck in a cycle of losing weight again because we’ve never worked through the underlying issues.