#I love to read and I have chosen to pursue it in uni but I rarely read for pleasure

[tragicmelpomene]

My struggle has never consisted to not knowing who I am. I suffer because I know who I am and what I want and what I enjoy, and I am crippled by that certainty. I cannot take action. Every night, I fall asleep unimaginably guilty for not participating in anything I have chosen to love.

[dearest-darlingest]

long-winded glinda gelphie angst thought ahead.

i just had a Thought™. a very sad glinda gelphie thought.

it's always been discussed how absolutely crushing the finale is; interpretations of glinda's grief driving her to do good, not by her own desire but because it was elphaba's last wish for her, amongst many implications in the finale that i love. however, it's always plagued me how it must be so painful and, to a point, numbing elphaba's absence post-defying gravity to glinda is.

it was never said in the musical how long they were apart (i have not read the book), but i rather think it must be a few years since glinda had to graduate ("we all went to uni together"). so, imagine how desperate she must've been in finding elphaba but not pursuing her search because she deemed it safer for the both of them (glinda with her status and elphaba's everything). how worried she felt in her day to day, wondering if her best friend's even safe, if she's already dead somewhere and no one was able find her body because nobody really knows where she is. all she's ever seen of her are the flashes of black flying through the sky, the sad reality of existing in a world with the one who she loves most but not being able to hold her, not even see her.

and then comes the reunion in the wizard's den.

she hears a commotion, she barges in concerned for whatever's going on in there, she sees elphaba. she sees elphaba. they crash onto each other in a tight hug. she's safe, she's here, she's alive. she holds onto her hand.

but then she realises that elphaba wasn't there to see her. not really. she waited and worried and waited even longer, but elphaba wasn't there for her.

what if she came to the conclusion that elphaba was there to apologise. to make amends with the wizard, so she can be with glinda again. what if glinda thought this was her second chance, a blessed one after she rejected elphaba's idea of flying with her during defying gravity.

she chooses fiyero.

now this is where the Thought™ really sprouted from—

she chooses fiyero and runs away and doesn't even say goodbye. and then the wretched senior citizen duo have the gall, the audacity to plan her beloved's demise right in front of her. but. after she's been brutally chosen over someone else, she bitterly says, "her sister. use her sister. spread a rumor, make her think her sister's in trouble. she will fly to her side and you'll have her."

it works. of course, it does. because that's her sister! her only living family left (though, she wasn't aware of that yet). but what if, glinda started to realise, after being left by elphaba again, that the plan wouldn't work if she were the one in trouble. what if glinda begun to think, how insignificant she must be in elphaba's life. to not be protected by her, to not have her fly over and fight whatever evil that has come to target glinda. to not be priotised by her.

to not even be a choice.

[alltoomaples]

love.jpg - LN

pairing: fem!uni student x lando norris

synopsis: lando gets invested in working with cameras after you talk about your day in photography class and you two discover a new language of love <;33

type: writing + instagram au

a/n: finally writing up the very first writing for my new series until i found you. and ik i have been super super lacked in writing. you guys have no idea how much and many ideas ive got but procastination takes the most of it! im trying my best to work upon it and now that my finals are nearing, i may try to write as a stress breaker soo fingers crossed.

until next one, happy reading <;33

part 2 is out now!! check it out :))

. . . .

You came home from your last class of the semester from uni. As much as you love photography and graphic design, its definitely tiresome when being pursued as a Masters degree. But you won't complain much about it cause at the end of the day, you love what you do. And so does your boyfriend.

"Congrats on completing another semester, bubba!" Lando greets as he speed walks to you and engulfs you in a hug.

You drop your bags carefully and hug him back tight as you mourn in exhaustion. Your whole body gives up that Lando was quick to pick you up and let the both of you fall on the couch. Chuckles leave from your mouth as he leans in and kissed your forehead.

"I'm so so proud of you, Y/N/N" He says, looking into your eye, pinning your hair behind the ear as he rests his hand on your cheek.

"I haven't completed my course, Lan"

"Yet. And soon you will be my personal photographer and designer for Quadrant" Lando says very proudly.

"Well in that case, be ready to say goodbye to your bank accounts" you say, smirking at him as you squish his cheeks.

"I'll be happy to make our joint accounts"

"It's a deal then!"

. . . .

"So tell me about your project?" Lando asks as we clean dishes after dinner.

"Well, basically, we have to make a portfolio for photography class. We need to select a theme and shoot pictures showcasing that theme" you say, as you dried the final plate.

"That sounds so much fun and creative!"

"It is actually! till you finalize the theme cause that's the main brainers" you say as you place the dishes back to the shelves and lando keeps the leftovers in fridge.

"And that's what i'm here for! Let me help you with the picture and theme and stuff" Lando says, being very supportive and super excited like a kid on Christmas morning.

"Bubba, i appreciate you and your help but you'll be busy with race weekends, PR promos and Quadrant stuff. Do you really wanna squish mine on top of this busy business??" you ask, being concerned about him.

He walks over to you, grabbing your face in his and leans in.

"Let me be a part of your project. Think of me as your project buddy who also happens to be your boyfriend" Lando says, making puppy eyes which makes harder to say no to him.

"Alrighty love. You're in!"

"Wooohoooo!!! Let's goooo babyyyy!!" He does his small victory dance as he sung to HSM: we're all in this together

You laughed silently as you walked into your work room and picked up a camera. Lando eventually followed you and found you holding the camera.

"Wait- we are already starting with the work??"

"We haven't even chosen a theme, you dum dums" you say, ruffling his head which messes the small curls a bit.

"Ohh yeah. I'd suggest you to do some trial run shots, like you know, play around capturing day to day events. Maybe something will spark and voila, you'll have a theme ready!" Lando says, as he fixed his hair while looking in the mirror.

"That's actually a great idea bubs!!! I'm gonna do that now. You really do love this subject of mine, don't you??" You ask, as you really loved his input he just gave and you're quite impressed with it.

His level of creativity is something you've always loved and appreciated his talents. And isn't it just lovely to see people talk about their passions!

And this just made you think it's time to finally give him one of your passions.

"This camera is yours from today. I've been wanting to give you this as I've seen you've been very much interested in photography and something you can take along with you and remind you of me" you say, whispering at the end as you felt your cheeks heat up due to the cliché that you just happen to say which isn't a very you thing to do.

Lando stood there with the camera in his hands, in complete awe at the gesture of yours.

"Y/N! you have no idea how much this means to me!! This isn't just any camera, this is one you truly used for your good works" He says, pulling you closer to his. He makes you look up to him, leaning in close as he kisses you softly yet lovingly. Your hands make their way behind his neck, pulling him close to you.

"I love you, so much y/n/n" Lando says, almost as a whisper as he rests his nose with yours.

"and i love you, much more lan" you whisper back with a smile as you do the eskimos kiss.

. . . .

Instagram

lando.jpg

liked by carlossainz55, charlesleclerc, y/n.clicks and 3,566,962 others

landonorris: your fellow neighborhood cameraman📸

the best gift from the best <;33 y/n.clicks

view 41,06,765 comments

username1: wait Y/N gave her VERY OWN CAMERA TO LANDO!?!?

y/n.clicks: not bad for a beginner! have fun bubby🫶🏼

lando.jpg: learnt from the best ;)) will do!❤️

username2: he learnt with her?! talk about couple goals💗💖💞

charlesleclerc_: well i guess we'll say goodbye to this camera eventually. have you thought this through y/n.clicks 🤔🤔

y/n.clicks: i had a really good run with it soo if it breaks its alright, I'll get a new one 😙

lando.jpg: you two know that i can read your comments right?? hah RUDE😡

username3: i cant- 🤣🤣🤣🤣

username4: we're gonna be seeing what lando wants people to see. I LOVE IT!!!

y/n.clicks

liked by charlesleclerc_, maxfewtrell, landonorris and 1,609,992 others

y/n_l/n: handing over ceremony📷

lando 🤝 lando.jpg

tagged: landonorris

view 105,020 comments

lanndonorris: key moment of my life and career❤️

y/n.clicks: landonorris bubbaaa🥺💗

username1: i want what they have😭😭💛

carlossainz55: wow, he is growing up🥹🥹

y/n.clicks: ikr!!!🤧🤧

landonorris: you two ughhhhh🙄🙄

username2: this is sooo adorable ahhh!!

username3: thanks to y/n now we're gonna embark the cameraman lando era!

y/n.clicks: this is just the beginning of the era!!

lando.jpg

liked by ciscanorris, y/n.clicks and 2,954,755 others

landonorris: day at the bay with my bae

tagged: y/n.clicks

view 957,542 comments

username1: oh my. oH mY! OhOh MymY!!😍🤩

y/n.clicks: caption might be chessy af but the pictures, mamma mia🥵😍

liked by lando.jpg

maxfewtrell: now i get it why you ditched for golfing, you simp!

y/n.clicks: wait what!?! lando did that??

lando.jpg: 😳😳😳😳 busted?

ciscanorris: lando ditching golf?? he's soo into his cameraman era!!!🫡💗

username3: everyone say thank you y/n for getting lando a camera

username4: seriously! THANK YOU QUEEN Y/N

lando.jpg: FACTS!! thank you y/n.clicks 🫂🫶🏼

liked by y/n.clicks

y/n.clicks

liked by ciscanorris, pierregasly, olivernorris and 10,954,755 others

y/n_l/n: my favourite kind of cheese🧀 landonorris

tagged: lando.jpg

view 45,998,972 comments

username1: the caption🥹😭💖💞💗���️

username2: them>>>>>>

riabish: LOVE IS IN THE AIR🫶🏼✨️

danielricciardo: you guys are so disgustingly adorable🫡💖

landonorris: now who's the chessier one??😏😏

y/n.clicks: landonorris still YOU🫣

landonorris: 😂😂😂

. . . .

also I'm thinking for a part 2 for this, lemme know if you're interested too :))

check out my works: until i found you masterlist | other works

part 2 is out now!! check it out :))

[gucciwins]

Harry brings a gift…and an important question is asked

A/N: hi friends, it’s been over a month since i last posted. life and school got really busy. but to celebrate graduating uni here is a sweet blurb 💜 happy reading 

Word count: 1987

Y/N loved working at a coffee shop. She loved the smell of freshly brewed coffee, and when a customer asked for her favorite drink. Y/N had been at this coffee shop since she entered uni and continued while pursuing her postgraduate. She enjoyed how flexible Connie, the owner was with her hours. Being here for so long meant Y/N was good with inventory and, more times than not, found herself in the back, organizing and keeping track of all the items. She loved making drinks and talking with customers, but sometimes she got overwhelmed and needed a breather doing inventory allowed her to do so. The shop had been slow most of the morning, so she slipped to the back to get ahead and hopefully head out early. She was looking forward to stopping at the bookstore and picking up the newest Emily Henry novel she had pre-ordered.

Drew poked his head with a teasing smile on his face. “What?” She asked without turning to look at him. “Your staring is getting creepy.”

He scoffs, “you didn’t even look up.”

“You got that intense gaze, my friend.”

Drew sighed, “I get that a lot.”

Y/N rolls her eyes, “can I help you with something?”

“No. I wanted to ask if you wanted to make a matcha?” Drew asked suspiciously.

Before Y/N could reply, Tish rushed in. “Harry Styles is here!” Tish screams quietly. “He wants a matcha something. My matches are horrible,” she cries.

Tish is their newest barista, who started here a month ago. She’s a petite pink-haired Latina who Y/N had taken under her wing. Tish had moved far from home and happened to join their team as Connie went on vacation, leaving Y/N and Drew in charge until her return in late Summer. Tish had no idea Harry Styles was a regular here and that Y/N might harbor a small crush on the English pop star.

Y/N glares at Drew because he must have known it's why he came in to bother her. She acted like she was okay not being able to greet Harry, but she loved her conversations with Harry. He told her about new poetry books he was reading. Y/N shared about the new artist she was listening to or the latest record she found. Once Y/N told Harry she was a fan of Madison Cunningham. Harry promised to give her a listen, and months later, she opened for Harry in New York City. Y/N thought it was a funny coincidence, but she couldn’t help but think that she influenced him and his taste in music even a little bit.

“Oh, did I not say lover boy had arrived?” Drew smirks, seeing Y/N’s flushed cheeks.

Tish’s eyes look at her in surprise. “Are you dating Harry Styles?”

“No.”

“Yes.”

“Drew shut up,” Y/N mutters.

“He so wants to date her,” Drew whispers to Tish.

Y/N fixes her apron and name tag. She makes sure her bisexual flag pin and anatomical heart pin are straightened and hurries out to make Harry’s drink knowing they’ve taken too long.

“The slut strands fix the slut strands,” Drew calls out as he reaches out to fix her hair. She slaps his hands away and walks out from the backroom. Y/N doesn’t even let herself scan the room.

Susie shoots her a wink as she finishes up with a cashier. Y/N grabs his cup and sees that he’s chosen a lavender matcha latte, a favorite of hers. She takes her time and dances around her coworkers happily, knowing they all wait in anticipation for her to call his name.

Y/N won’t give them the pleasure.

“Lavender Matcha latte,” Y/N calls out. She sees him stand up from his seat in the back corner by the shop's tiny bookcase, where you can grab a book and leave another in return.

She had her eyes on Harry, that she missed when a tall redhead approached her. Usually, Y/N picked up the charm for a pretty redhead, but today all her attention is focused on a brunette with emerald eyes. “Did you say, Hailey?” The cute redhead asks.

“Sorry, babes,” Y/N apologizes. “Forgot to say the name. It’s Harry. Yours will be out shortly.”

Hailey giggles, “I had just ordered, so I was a little surprised.”

“We’ll have it out shortly,” Y/N promises as she walks away.

Y/N wants the ground to open up and swallow her whole because Harry had to witness that awkward interaction. “Sorry,” she apologizes to him. “Lavender matcha?”

“Yes, thank you.” He accepts the cup letting their fingers touch for the briefest second. “It’s good to see you, Y/N.”

“You too,” she chirps. “Glad you stopped by. Our matcha still the best?”

Harry smiles, and Y/N can’t help but do the same. She remembers when he came in to tell them he would be away for a few months but would miss their matcha dearly. Y/N made him promise he’d tried to find matcha better than hers—from their coffee shop.

“It was a tough call,” he teases.

Y/N pouts because she knows what that means. He did find better matcha. Although she isn’t sure if he’s found a better matcha or if it’s his way of stopping their flirtatious interactions. Y/N would hate for him to stop coming in. Harry was everyone’s favorite regular because he was kind and learned all their names. He always asked about their life, but Drew teased her because he took a deeper interest in Y/N.  

“Y/N,” Drew calls. “It’s break time.”

Fuck.

She knows what he’s doing, and she hates that.

Harry looks away, but she notices his cheeks heat up. “Would-do—“ he shakes his head. “Do you want to sit with me for a bit?”

“Uh,” she looks behind her, and Drew gives her a discrete thumbs up. “Yeah, okay. I’ll meet you there.”

He nods, leaving with his drink to sit back down. Y/N slips off her apron, and Tish hands her a vanilla latte with oat milk. The rule is Tish makes everyone a drink for their break until she’s perfected. In return, everyone takes turns making one for Tish, allowing her to try to guess all the ingredients in the drink of the day.

Y/N walks over to Harry, careful to walk over, and hopes he doesn’t notice her shaking hands. Harry stands up and pulls her chair out when he sees her approaching. She thanks him, taking a sip of her drink to calm down.

It’s good. Really good.

As Harry sits back down, Y/N finds Tish at the till, waiting for her response. She sends her a thumbs up, making Tish scream in success. This had been a drink she could not perfect for a few weeks, but now she could check it off.

She finds Harry staring at her with a warm smile.

“Sorry, Tish’s new, and we’ve been having her make us drinks to practice,” Y/N explains.

“Mhmm…she’s nice. Took my order and ran off,” he giggles.

“Matcha is not a strong suit for her just yet.”

“She’s learning from the best, so I’m sure soon enough,” he praises.

Y/N feels her face heat up. It’s such a compliment coming from him. “How have you been? All that traveling must be nice being home.”

Harry nods, “I love it, but nothing beats home.”

Conversation with Harry flows easily. He tells her about things he did on his days off. They never mention his shows, but she doesn’t mind. She loves hearing about his intense workouts and the newest book he picked up, and how many friends he has reunited with.

In return, she shares how she completed another year and plans to celebrate in Italy towards the end of July. Harry tells her places she has to visit and even gives her the name of a restaurant she has to visit and to say Harry sent her. He promises it’ll be the best pasta she’s ever had.

Harry changes the conversation back to matcha, promising he missed her drinks.

“You did tell me to find the best,” he teases.

“I thought the best was here,” Y/N defends.

He turns away from her to open his tote bag and slips out a metal tin. “My friend took me to this place in Tokyo, and it was amazing.”

“Harry,” she frowns. “Breaking my heart.”

Harry laughs, “I brought some for you all to try and make some drinks.”

Y/N awes at his kind gesture because he didn’t need to do that, but he wanted to. She accepts the gift and reads the label to learn more about it. “I’m sure if I make it, then it won’t be the same.”

“But you can try?” He offers.

“Matcha is something you have to be gentle with.”

“I asked the barista why it was so good,” Harry shares.

“What they tell you?” Y/N asks, wanting to know the secret to the best matcha.

“It’s about what you put in. All the emotions and feelings you are filled with go into a cup of coffee or tea,” he tells her. He pauses for a second before continuing. “I told them it was good but that it was missing something,” he looks away, unable to meet her eye. “Something about it being special who makes the cup for you.”

Y/N tries her best to contain her smile but fails, knowing Harry enjoyed her matcha because she made it. “Well, I enjoy a good matcha and hope everyone who drinks it does too.”

She looks down at her watch and knows her time with him is over, and she needs to go back to work. Y/N holds tight to the tin and smiles at Harry. “I’m glad you stopped by, Harry.”

“It was good to see you,” he tells her.

As she stands up, he stops Y/N from walking away by holding lightly to her wrist. “Sorry, wait.” He lets go quickly and digs in his bag again. “I said it was for everyone, but I got this one just for you.”

It’s in a purple-colored tin, and Y/N feels her heart swell. Harry bought matcha just for her because he knows she likes it.

“Harry, this was so kind of you.” Harry nods. “Thank you for thinking of me.”

“I hope you’ll tell me how you like it when you make yourself a latte with it,” he smiles at you, giving her the courage to do something crazy.

Y/N looks over her shoulder and sees everyone working, and the customers are lost in their conversations that she allows herself to focus back on Harry. “I don’t know if I’m reading too much into this, but would you want to come over to mine, and we can try this amazing matcha together?” Y/N smiles, trying to look at ease, but inside, she feels her stomach turning and the butterflies going crazy, knowing Harry now holds so much power over her.

Harry takes a second for her words to sink in before responding. “Yes,” he breathes out. “That would be nice.”

“Great, okay,” she bits her bottom lip, nervous about meeting his gaze but can’t look away when she sees the bright smile and shining eyes. “Uh, I can uh give you my number, and you can let me know when you’re free.”

Harry grins. “Wonderful. It’s a date.”

He opens his journal, and she scribbles down her number and, before thinking twice about it, adds her address underneath.

“Alright,” she steps back with her two tins in hand and coffee in the other. “Bye, Harry.”

“Bye, Y/N. I’ll text you.”

“You can call me too,” she offers.

Harry grins, his dimples on display for her and only her. “You’re off at two, right.”

She hums in response. “I’ll call you then.”

Y/N turns away from him, her face warm from the interaction, her heart bounding, but gosh, is she excited for Harry to call her.

[silent-words]

Yayyyy I love your game idea for BG3 city! If you’re taking asks, I’d love to read your thoughts about Gale’s school, the one he went to as a child. Maybe that’s where it was discovered he was a prodigy?

Maybe I’ll join in and tag you, too!

I'm sorry it took me so long to answer. I wanted to make it a fic, but then I realised I can only make a headcanon. And there will also be a lot of self-insert (because my school years felt like hell, I was happy to enter my Uni).

A little bit of lore first. As we know, Gale attended the Blackstaff Academy in Waterdeep (he says about it in the Arcane Tower). According to the Forgotten Realms Wiki and other sources Blackstaff is both a school and a university. Only the magically talented students are accepted as apprentices there, and they are at first taught by senior students (probably at the age of university students) and only after a few years they start being taught by professors. So future sorcerers and wizards spend more years in the Blackstaff tower than people do in school IRL. It's like a boarding school and a university campus combined, you can spend up to a couple of decades there.

We also know that Elminster first met Gale when the latter was 8 years old. Maybe it was the age Gale was accepted as an apprentice at Blackstaff. He was young, upset with his own abilities and very talented as a mage. Children at school can be pretty much evil, when it comes to relationships between them. I can picture Gale as a shy, naive person at first. Other children made fun of him both because they all thought they were talented and because he was always "lost in thought". They needed to call him twice or thrice to respond to them. Of course it annoyed everyone and made him an outsider. Maybe he was desperate to have a friend and prove himself in this community, so that he stole the Blackstaff (the staff of the very first headmaster, Khelben Blackstaff himself) and opened a portal to Limbo. /the story with the portal is also from the Arcane Tower dialogue/

In my view he only came to be respected by his peers when he reached the age when apprentices started receiving tutelage from professors and teaching the younger students. That's where, I think, Gale got his experience as a teacher (in the Weave scene he tells the character "I know" if they mention that he is a good teacher). I have a headcanon that his best friend from Blackstaff was a lesbian dragonborn, but she got jealous when he became the Chosen of Mystra, and they parted ways. But that character is only in my head.

We also know that Gale had romantic partners before Mystra. In my opinion he was good-natured, funny and handsome in his late teens and early twenties, and that made him a desirable goal for romance. He most probably liked the attention which he had thrived for in his childhood, so he had a lot of trysts and affairs with fellow Blackstaff apprentices of his age (of all genders and sexes, of course). Yet these romances were not meaningful enough for him to remember them and affect his life. His first serious long term affair was with Mystra, but I think it started after he graduated from Blackstaff.

Even when he was the centre of attention, he was still the weird guy envied for his talents and despised for his vast knowledge. He did not make any bond with his peers (or that bonds were shattered later on), so he had no anchor in the material plane to stop him from pursuing the Goddess of Magic.

That's what I can say on the subject right now. It's very self-indulgent (apart from the "centre of romantic attention" part), because I generally project a lot of myself in Gale. Nevertheless I hope it is interesting to read.

[aethersjournal]

LIFE UPDATE, LIVE JOURNAL BLOGS, (+ MINI SUCCESS STORIES)

Hey guys!

So I entered a bit of a burnout slump this week. Basically uni has been kicking my ass. I have really heavy subjects. My main subjects have a lot of practicals in addition to theory and on top of that our colleges are making us do extra courses each sem that have nothing to do with the discipline that we have chosen 🥲.

On top of that I don't know if I mentioned this in a success story but basically I have also joined a college club that holds practice EVERYDAY and I also have extracurriculars at home that I am pursuing that I wish to do professionally in future. Also I am working on a passion project at the side.

And this is my schedule even though I haven't even started a new language course (I will have to eventually) and higher competitive exam prep.

Basically I ended up having a horrible case of burnout this Monday but then I manifested my classes to go online this week.

Anyways, so after just sleeping and reading fanfics the rest of the week 😴 I am feeling much better and I think that it's time to get back on track and do things that I love.

I would love if you guys would join me and we could be productive together ❤️

So I am making another blog to give updates about my day and my achievements aside from my manifestations and basically live journaling. It's to hold myself accountable and keep things interesting. Plus honestly it's fun when other people across the world are working with me too. I also plan on blogging about my saturation sessions there. It will be like vlog style blogs (not sure if thats a term). And I would absolutely love if you all would reply about your day and achievements as well. I think it could be a really fun thing.

So feel free to follow me there. It's @aethersjourney

Love you all 🫶🏻

[resande]

Hey. I'm a mutual of yours, we've been for a few months now. I'm here not only to tell you that your steddie fanarts are out of this world (that they are), or how much I like your art (that I do), or how talented you are (that you are).

I'm here to tell you that I appreciate every minute of effort behind your hard, hard work. Yes, you're talented, no doubt of that, but behind every talented person there are a lot, and I mean A LOT of hours, self teaching, experimenting, discarded wips, study hours, mental struggle to do art, to see the flaws on our pieces, to not being ever fully satisfied with what we do, and yet to sit again and keep doing art and sharing it despite everything I mentioned before.

That's hard work, that's passion, and strength, and stubborness, and that's more important than talent, and I think I'm telling you this because I, as an artist myself, would love to hear it sometimes. I flush and fluster whenever someone calls me 'talented' (who doesn't like praise?) but I would tear up if someone sees what I do and tell me "god, this piece must have taken you hours, and being able to do this, must have taken you decades."

So I am here to appreciate that, to note and congratulate you on every single minute that you spent working to become the amazing artist that you are.

I hope you have the greatest week, and that with this, your Monday is a little bit less Monday-ish.

Love, V

I'm having a hard time, with life at the moment.. i have to do so much stuff and work a lot when i should've been resting after a stressful uni year. And the only thing that i consider resting now is art. The art that i couldn't pursue full time in the country that i live in. Or for the art that so many told me that i'll stop eventually doing because way down the line i won't be able to anymore because of the future job that i've chosen for myself and such. But since highschool i'll say this for as long as i'm breathing: i can't live without art and it will forever course through my veins.

As dramatic as that may sound, it's true. Before steddie i thought i was going to quit art just because no matter on each platform i'd try, i was getting like 100 to 300 notes/likes on a 44 h piece. Not exagerating one bit. And it went like that for like a year. But the only problem was that i had the wrong audience. This steddie fandom brought out the best of me and i improved so much as an artist thanks to you, fellow artist friend and so many more amazing artists/writers/people i've met down the line.

The fact that you took the time to tell me you appreciate all my sleepless nights, all my frustrations, small victories, learning from my mistakes. It really feels like soothing balm against wound. Hence i cried when i read your message. I thank you whole heartedly for your kindness, it made my week so much brighter. And i want to give the same warmth to you, in return. No matter the fact that i don't know how your art looks like. I'm congratulating you too, for coming so far, for all the progress that you've made. For the days you let your heart out to sing on paper or through pixels. For struggling to get the structures right the 100th time. For trying again and again until it felt right. For not giving up. And for sharing a piece of your heart with us. Even later in life when you'll be able to only doodle on napkins or painting on large canvases, never let that fire within you die. Because you're special and we're so lucky we get to see another version of life through different eyes and experiences.

And for whoever may read this. I'm congratulating you too and all the above. No matter what you're doing and what you're pursuing. I'm so proud of you too.

This went for way too long and i rambled a whole lot, i know. But in the end, i wish you an amazing week ahead of you, and all the best.

With love,

Res.

[sorcerous-caress]

anon who requested Lorroakan: I LOVE THIS SO MUCH ALL OF IT IS A+ THANK YOU. I love that you included his s/o brushing his hair, I've totally thought about that. His hair is so pretty and he's so pretty and aaaaa… I like the idea that he met his s/o in uni too, like they came to bg with him or were one of the first people he met there.

All the NSFW stuff is super hot and I don't have coherent comments but I did physically put my hand over my face and go 'aaaa' a few times so there's that! He would have the prettiest moans. His voice is just so...

re: how did I even find that post: I went through ALL of the tumblr search results for Lorroakan at some point. I AM insane about him, but there's also not that much to go through.

I went through all of the Minthara tumblr searches before I started this blog, I checked all the tags. I was starving for anything. So I feel you, I'll definitely start including him more in my "several characters" works.

And yes that's what I had in mind about reader! Being in college with him. Be it college for wizards or just an unrelated degree he was pursuing at the time. But like think fantasy college? With balls, gowns and suits? I wanted to have that romanticised dark academia fantasy with him.

You meet him there and start dating after becoming friends? Maybe Lorroakan was charming yes but kinda of insufferable to be around because he is one of those smart people who thinks being a genius excuse being rude.

And you were one of the few people who didn't take shit from him, at first you were enemies type of deal but eventually an attraction matured between you too. Because oh, you realised you find him talking down to you kinda hot and he realised how you're the only person willing to tolerate him and spend time with him.

Then actual feelings beyond lust or loneliness develop, where you open to one another, start enjoying each other's company. He gets used to your nagging and you get used to his insufferable attitude. You have a perfect dynamic where only you two can understand each other.

He opens up to you about his fear of dying, how he has been doing research and reading any book he can get his hands on. He tells you how he fears losing his humanity if he becomes a lich or a vampire so those options of immortality are off the table. How he fears losing his passion for knowledge and magic, fears not remembering his love for you.

So he wants a way to keep his soul and min intetact but achieve immortality. And no not become a god, he sees it also as losing his humanity, same thing with being a God's chosen, they're nothing more than lapdogs.

And thank you so much for this sweet message <33333 ahh it made me so happy. I'm glad you liked it!

[petruchio]

hi, i know this is so random but i kinda need some advice and you're one of the nicest people here, so i thought i'd ask you. i'm having some trouble not knowing if i made the right career choice. for context, i'm a med student in a non-english speaking country. i've always loved books, and reading is the thing that most joy brings me. i'm wondering if i made the right choice going for medicine (i'm not currently very happy with uni), or if i should've chosen something literature related. i guess i'm just asking for your experience as someone who's studying english, and maybe your thoughts on the uncertainty of the career paths these courses have. you don't have to answer anything you don't want to. thanks a lot :))

ok first of all thank you so much for sending this!! (and we're going to pretend i didn't absolutely lose my mind at being called one of the nicest people on here alkjsdhflakjsdhflaksjdfh thank you so much for saying that) but yes i'm happy to chat and i'm happy to offer my advice and some info about my experience!!

a lot of advice i think you'll see for this kind of question is basically, "you can read books with or without a degree, so get a practical degree and you can enjoy still reading in your free time." and you might not expect this coming from me, but i actually think there's merit in that advice! i know i go on and on about how an english degree is super valuable but i do think there is a large degree of privilege involved in being able to choose to study a liberal arts degree, and sometimes, the best thing you can do is find a degree that can promise you a solid and steady income. there's absolutely nothing wrong with that!! medicine is a wonderful, rewarding, and stable career path and i think that you'll have a lot of opportunities in that field if you decide to pursue it.

THAT SAID. i obviously still think english is the best degree in the world, and i'm happy to offer you a little bit of insight on my experience studying english, as well as my current understanding of the career paths for english majors! (i'm currently recruiting for jobs right now so it's something that's on my mind a lot lol)

in terms of english and why i think it's a valuable degree, what it comes down to for me is not necessarily about having obvious hard skills, or even really clear communication and writing skills (though those are obviously great and marketable skills to have that you gain from the major!!) but for me the best thing about an english degree was that it taught me how to think. it taught me how to take in a ton of information, distill it down to a clear concept, and have critical and informed thoughts and ideas about that concept.

like, if you'll allow me to digress for a moment, i'll offer you a (somewhat goofy) example from my own life. this summer, i went to see the film of in the heights with my family, and i'd never seen the musical so i went in totally cold, knowing nothing about the plot or anything. and i enjoyed it!! and then when the movie ended, i turned to my brother and said "don't you think it's interesting how you can see in his work how lin manuel miranda's perception of death has changed over the course of his life? like this musical is concerned with whether or not you will be remembered, a concern which makes sense for a young college student, which he would've been while he was writing it. while hamilton presents a more mature view about death and memory from someone older and already somewhat famous; that being, how will you be remembered and who will control your legacy. i just think it's interesting!" anyway i said all of this, and my brother looked at me for a second, then turned to my mom and went "see? she's insane. the credits are barely rolling, and she already has, like, a take. i was still just thinking about the last song."

obviously that's an example where there were no stakes, and it was just kind of funny to me, but my point is that that's a skill that will take you really far! i'm often told in job interviews that i'm good at asking thoughtful questions, and i think a lot of that is just being able to really quickly take in information, analyze it, and communicate a thought or idea about it to someone else. it seems basic, but you'd be surprised how many people can't do that.

anyway the point of that story is that to me, an english degree isn't really about reading at all -- it's about synthesizing information, analyzing media for themes and messages, and being able to articulate what you see and why you see it. obviously there's a great deal of reading involved, but if i'm being honest, i didn't choose english because i liked reading, or really even because i liked writing. i liked them both well enough, but to me, i chose english because i liked thinking. and i think the way an english degree teaches you to think is one of the most exhilarating and valuable things in education. (i also chose english because it gave me an opportunity to study everything i love: popular media, niche histories, drama and theater, 19th century novels, and everything else all at once.)

in regards to your question about career paths, i think one of the great and also scary things about english is, like you said, the uncertainty of potential careers. but i think what's cool about that is that you can really do so much with an english degree! i would say the classic career paths (other than academia of course) are publishing, journalism, marketing and pr, and other writing and editing based fields, but you'll find english majors literally anywhere you can think of. i know english majors who are working in tech, advertising, consulting, freelance journalism, project management, and so much more!! it's a very versatile degree! obviously it's not as clearly defined as other majors like medicine or computer science can be, but there's a lot of opportunities available. i think it comes down to what job opportunities you find while being a student (something i was personally terrible at, lol, so no sweat), how well you market yourself, and being able to sell those soft skills in an interview situation. there's a lot you can do with english, but to be frank, it's going to be less clearly defined than a lot of other degrees. and that freedom can be both paralyzing and exciting at the same time.

even if you don't end up pursuing literature, if you're able to do so, i would recommend just taking a literature class as an elective, or auditing one for fun! it can be such a blast to get to participate in a hyper-specific english seminar with a bunch of fellow weirdos, and when you end up in a class with a great professor or a great group of students, it can become such an exciting and stimulating intellectual experience. and if you're unsure, that can also be a great way to get your feet wet in the discipline without fully committing to a degree or a change in major.

anyway i hope (??) even a little bit of that helped!!! in classic caroline fashion, you asked me a question and received an insanely long and unhinged reply, but i hope at least part of my answer can be valuable or helpful to you. university can be so stressful and i spent such a long time even deciding what i wanted to study! i actually came in thinking i wanted to do political science and psych, and i very much... did not do either of those things. but it took me about a year to figure it out, and i still had regular crises about my major until about halfway through my junior year. so it's totally fine to question it!! i have the utmost faith that you will find the right answer for YOU, and try not to stress out about it too much. everything is going to work out just the way it's supposed to <3

[hughiecampbelle]

Hi love! Many many congratulations on this incredible milestone - and to many more followers! 💖🎉🎂🌹

If I'm not a bother may I ask you for a MCU ship - with a guy because I'm a heterosexual girl? So um here are some things about me:

- I'm 5'2 with dark brown hair and black eyes but I don't like my looks at all. I also turn 29 this Sunday on the 29th ^^

- I have a PhD in Media Discourse and am working at uni - my dream is becoming a professor one day. Now I lead seminars in Journalistic Genres.

- Proud Slytherin. INTJ-T. Vurgo Sun and Moon Signs, Gemini Rising (if that helps lol).

- I'm pretty inexperienced in the romantic department: I'm at a complete loss when it comes to feelings, I'm oblivious to flirting and will never admit that I like someone. I also already know that I don't want kids but prefer to focus on my career.

- I'm full of insecurities and I'm always scared of being a failure.

- I like reading, writing, researching, watching films and TV series, crosswords, colouring books and taking long walks.

- A bit tomboy-ish. Nerd. Metalhead: my fave bands are Metallica, Rammstein, Queen, Iron Maiden.

- True bookworm: I love so many books but some chosen favourites are the Harry Potter books, Shakespeare's plays (Macbeth and Much Ado About Nothing are my personal favourites), Holly Fools and the Lollipop Shoes by Joanne Harris, the Grishaverse books by Leigh Bardugo (Six of Crows is my fave), 1984 by Orwell, many books by Stephen King... let's stop here shall we?

- Despite being a Slytherin I'm terrified of snakes.

- Dislikes: crowds, loud people, people telling me what to do and prying into my privacy.

- Weird fact: I hate walking barefoot!

Sorry for spamming you with all this info! Thank you in advance and I hope you have a great day!

What trope are you? Fake Dating Turned Real 💕

You and Tony met when you were in school, the two of you in your undergrad years. He was smart, and handsome, and arrogant even back then, and that drove you crazy. Sometimes you couldn't stand him. Tony thought you took studying too seriously, that you needed to let loose. Despite your differences, through the years, you remained friends. You knew things about him no one else did, things he confided in you at dumb parties he dragged you too, after drinking one too many beers. And you did the same, though far more sober, disclosing your biggest fears and insecurities. Tony always knew there was a line and when not to cross it. He said a lot of things, and did even more, but when it came to you, he was always careful. Your friendship meant a lot, even if he didn't have the right words to say it. Through the years, your friendship remained just as strong, if not stronger. Watching movies, reading books, listening to Metallica and Iron Maiden in his fancy lab. Everyone thought you were dating, but you were both quick to shut those rumors down. You and Tony? Never.

Well, until the paparazzi asked. Tony thought it was a joke, that you'd laugh just as hard as he did at the front page. A picture of the two of you at dinner, smiling. It wasn't out of the ordinary. You saw each other as much as you could, Tony giving you all the dirty details about life as an Avenger. You tell him about your students, the ones who remind you so much of yourselves. Neither of you have much of a dating life to talk about. It's never been your thing. Romantic relationships were complicated, hard work, and oftentimes so confusing it never seemed worth it to pursue. Tony, well, he had plenty of people who wanted to be with him, just not in the long run. When you saw the headline you were mortified. You hadn't even seen anyone with a camera, how could anyone get this picture? When you didn't find it so funny, Tony assured you it would all blow over, no one would even remember it. Of course he was wrong. Stupid Tony was always wrong. No one questioned you when you stormed up all the way to his place, ignoring the party he seemed to throw nightly, holding another paper in your hand. A picture of you teaching with the headline TONY STARK SETTLING DOWN? WHO IS THIS MYSTERY WOMAN? You were going to yell at him, tell him to set everything right, when he kissed you. A camera flashed in your face, the combination leaving you confused, heat rushing to your face.

After that, you avoided Tony. He called and texted, he apologized profusely, but things between you had changed. It was a joke gone wrong, he assured you, and never meant to take it so far. You weren't mad about that, at least not anymore. Now it was something else, something you didn't want to admit to yourself. . . You liked kissing Tony. More than that, every time you heard his voice or thought about him, it confused you even more. Was it obvious? Had you liked him all along? Was it denial or pure ignorance? He couldn't take it anymore. Tony showed up at your office, looking ashamed. You never thought a man with his arrogance could even know shame. You were about to order him out when you surprised even yourself, blurting out that you missed him, a lot. He missed you, too. You tried to explain it, that it was different, something more, but your words failed you. So you kissed him. It was obvious to everyone around you, and when he re-introduced you as his girlfriend, no one was shocked. Nothing changed. You still watched movies and listened to music, you still had dinner and went out to bars and nights working, but together. But it was different now. Better, even. Though he still got on your nerves, you knew a kiss would shut him up.

~ My love, thank you thank you thank you!!! You are such a sweetheart omg!!! I'm so sorry about the wait!!! I could literally go on forever, you and Tony would be adorable!!! I hope the wait was worth it and I really hope you like your ship!!!! Also happy late birthday!!!! That's so exciting, I hope you had the most wonderful day!!! Xoxoxo💜💖💜💖💜

[vincentkilatan]

@samirkotecha | Monday, June 28th Outside of the Bellum Nova Facilities

In another life, this could have been his path. All the brilliance and ingenuity of an engineer, focused on the development of weapons and defense systems alike. It’s one his nanay parses over constantly. What if Vincent had been better in secondary school? What if he kept to misdemeanors, and made good on the scholarship offered by Oxford? What if he found the straight and narrow, and pursued the yellow brick road to the pinnacle of innovation - Bellum Nova? It’s a thought that consumes him as well. Each time he meets Kai’s gaze, the Tony Stark to his Peter Parker, and sees potential. Each time he thinks back to the loves gained and lost, and wonders what could have been. But each time Vincent thinks of other ways forward, he inevitably finds himself committed to the path already traveled. And so, he swallows that moment of melancholy, for unwavering dedication.

The path chosen by his Horseman is an unsavory reality, that Vincent makes no secret of rejecting. It feels like a retreat, rather than a way forward. What could be worse for an anarchist who simply wants to watch the world burn? Never the less, he is committed to Death. Or rather, to the ultimate end goal. There is little news yet of how War plans to leverage the pyrotechnic engineer, but he takes it upon himself to assess the behemoth from the outside. A curious glance at the building, if only to take stock of its exit routes and structure. He is nondescript enough, dressed in worn khakis and a spray-painted black t-shirt. An appearance of almost childishness, that keeps suspicion at bay. Save for one, who seems to be tracking his move from within the facility. An unfamiliar gate - but Vincent can guess who their employer is.

“Just checking the place out. I read all about this place back in Uni.” A lie, but he adds a smile for flourish. “Never seen it up close before. Kinda like a childhood dream, really.”

[kxowledge]

You seem very well-rounded, can you explain what your high school education was like? Were all students required to take Latin?

[I might be well-rounded – I do have a superficial knowledge of many topics, but it is to my greatest displeasure that I am not able to explain this knowledge and communicate it in a clear, nonvague way. I say superficial because I think it’s comparable in most cases to that of someone who studied the topic for about a year, not much more. In any case, thank you.]

I often think about how I could have spent in better ways my high school years, but I didn’t know back then what I know now – and what I know now is a result of the path I followed so no regrets here. However, what this means is that I don’t attribute my knowledge necessarily to my study path, but rather to my interests because I went to a mediocre school, with mediocre teachers, and I was a mediocre student. If I recall those years, the effortlessness and disinterest are the most clear traits.

In Italy, after middle school (11-13), you have to choose one type of high school – I chose the ‘classical lyceum’ which has a focus on classics (i.e. Latin and Ancient Greek) and Italian.

In general, once you have chosen the type of highschool, in Italy, subjects are fixed and not up to personal choice. For me, the characterizing subjects of the classical lyceum are Ancient Greek (language + literature), Latin (language + literature), and Italian (language + composition + literature). We also had other courses such as philosophy, history, English, math, physics, science, but the main bulk of hours was dedicated to the former.

So while not all students are required to take Latin and how many years and in what depth changes based on the type of school, yes, all the students in the ‘liceo classico’ were required to take Latin. (What they were not required was to take a year of Latin during middle school as well, which I did.)

During those years, I didn’t put in much effort in studying (except in some periods of my life) because getting a good grade was also a function of petty favouritism and sycophantism – which for me was not worth it. So, if I am well-rounded is only because I pursued to a certain extent my interests. For example, I loved getting to know the various literatures and paid extreme attention in those classes, took extensive notes, read the textbooks religiously, made summaries, etc – but most importantly: I then engaged with that material outside the classroom. That interest persist until today – take Ancient Greek: I have read numerous tragedies / plays / philosophical works / literary works and I’m sure that despite receiving the same education, none of my ex-classmates has read not even a third of the works I have.

I also have a quite extensive knowledge of Chemistry because I found it fascinating and my dad had old university textbooks to lend me. I know Math because I had to study it by myself (what we did in school was not enough) to prepare for the entrance test for uni. Etc: I had short bursts of interest in various topics – anthropology, astronomy, astrophysics, machine learnings, HTML5, bird watching, Egyptology, and many more – and each time I fell into a rabbit hole that comprised of reading textbooks and Wikipedia articles. Not sure if I would recommend this approach, but this is my natural inclination.

[psychorangey]

hi, just had a serendipitous moment upon finding your page! i am going back to school in September after a 5 year break and this time i'll be studying psychology. do you have any book recommendations for me to read this summer before uni or any advice? it'd be very helpful! thank you

Oh hello! Thank you for finding it! :) And HUGE congrats on deciding to go back to study psych, you must be super duper excited! 

I actually have so much advice that I would want to share with people who are considering studying psych, or are at the very beginning of their journey, but I always fear I will overwhelm people which I don’t at all want to do. Please note that I haven’t finished my studying either, so I can only share insight from where I’m at so far :) This post is going to be really long so I apologise in advance!!

Firstly, what I think is super duper important to consider is what are your reasons for studying psych? (e.g., is it because you want to become a psychologist, do you want to become a researcher, are you generally interested in the field, etc). If it’s that you want to become a psychologist (or a professional somewhere in the mental health domain), then I would always suggest to start looking into work experience that you can get from early on! Psychology is such an incredibly competitive field, and this is the case for my friends in other countries worldwide, too (I’m from Australia!). So any experience that you can start accumulating, even if only short-term/temporary, or voluntary, will be SO worth your while (if you wanted some ideas on work experience or what I’ve been doing then I’m totally happy to chat about that too - but I already know this post is going to be far too long to add in here hehe sorry). 

Secondly, please don’t be discouraged by the structure of most psychology degrees out there! Often they can actually contain a lot of things that most people wouldn’t think. For example, my maths teacher in high school was a bit of a trickster, and so when he told me that psychology was going to have a lot of statistics in it - I laughed at him. Boy was I in for a wild ride when I sat down in my first stats lecture and realised he wasn’t kidding. Psych degrees (particularly undergrad) do introduce you slightly to the typical world of clinical psych (such as things like abnormal psychology, ethical dilemmas, etc), but it also has a lot of focus on research- so this means things like research methods, statistics, and how to actually write scientific papers. NONE of this is a bad thing by any means, but often people are let down when they realise a psych degree is not all fascinating case studies and the fallacies of memory. 

Also, if your course allows it, make the most of your electives where you can! In my undergrad, I chose sleep and circadian rhythms as one, and addiction studies as the other. While I loved both of these, the way I feel about the forensic aspects of my Honours degree make me wish I had chosen the forensic psych electives in undergrad! I’ve now chosen to pursue research in this area now because it’s my no.1 fav. But either way - I’m glad I was able to get a nice mix in there! 

Lastly, if becoming a psychologist is the pathway that you want to take down the track, it’s also an idea to think about what this pathway actually looks like. In Australia, a minimum six-year sequence of training is needed with a further two years in a registrar program to become endorsed (endorsed meaning specialised training, i.e., a clinical psych, health psych, developmental psych etc) aka EIGHT YEARS, but this can be achieved in such a strange mix of alternative pathways and it can be so confusing. Each country has their own process and requirements, so it’s really good to be aware of what these are! Either way, knowing what’s ahead from early on can give you a bit of a one up from everyone else. It means you already know what kind of grades you need to progress, what kind of experience is needed, and what kind of faculty members to get chummy with. Knowledge is always power!

As for some books to read over the Summer, I don’t have too many to recommend unfortunately! But here are a few:

One I would suggest is The Man Who Mistook His Wife for a Hat, which I think is absolutely amazing. It’s written by a neurologist who tells of some of his most fascinating clinical cases that he encountered along his time. Some of the terms he uses are very outdated now, but it is still an enjoyable read. 

Also, The Man Who Couldn’t Stop, which is another very clinically based book (it’s entirely on OCD), but I think it gives some very important insight into OCD from the perspective of those living with it, in a way that is also very much readable. 

Lastly, Case Studies in Abnormal Psychology, which was actually used as a textbook during my undergrad so it’s extremely pricey, but I would really encourage you to see if it’s available in your uni library (or possibly public library??), as it has been my ABSOLUTE favourite. It’s not like your usual textbook - each chapter has a very detailed case study on a particular mental health condition, followed by possible treatments, and then causes and prevalence of that disorder. It’s so amazing, and not at all textbook-y. Strongly recommend trying to find it in the library!! 

Unfortunately I don’t have many other recommendations to give, but I could ask some of my friends if you’d like!

I’m also always SO happy to talk more about anything psych related, or answer any other Qs you may have. I hope I haven't overwhelmed you, and I really hope something in here will be useful in some way! Let me know if there’s anything else I can help with, and let me know how you go when you start! :)

[thisiswhatascientistlookslike]

Hi all!

I’m Yan, and I will be contributing to this blog along with Fia. I will be going to uni next year to read Physics and Philosophy, so I will likely be your resident physicist and mathematician, while occasionally dabbling into Engineering. Since I haven’t touched Chemistry for three years now I'm going to be leaving the brunt of that to Fia, and we’ll both try our best at Biology :)

As you can probably see from my chosen degree, I have a passion for both the sciences and humanities. I love maths and problem solving, but also expressing myself in both art and literature. I am a strong believer that my femininity should be an important strength to help me combine the two fields, and not a disadvantage to bar me from opportunities in either or both. I’m very excited to explore how I could combine the two to help raise awareness and be a voice to budding girls in STEM on this blog and help demonstrate how you shouldn’t and don’t have to sacrifice any part of who you are for success.

I also come bearing gifts, here is an International Women’s Day tribute to all you lovely ladies interested in pursuing STEM, hope you guys like it as much as I had a blast drawing it.

[Image description: an illustration of the symbol for the planet Venus, which is commonly used to represent the female gender, composed of various pink pictographs representing areas of STEM (such as a microscope, the DNA, mathematical symbols etc) surrounded by blue floral patterns. On the inside of the ring is inscribed the quote by Émilie de Châtelet, 18th century mathematician and physicist: “Let us choose for ourselves our path in life, and let us try to strew that path with flowers.”]

As a closing note I would like to add that I also dislike any form of belittling women’s achievements and people who chew with their mouth open, but I do quite enjoy peppers.

[whatamessz]

The former Lives of Murdoc A. Niccals (pt. 2)

pt. 1 is here

I’m glad you all are interested, so here is the next part! I’d also like to add that, in this pt as well as pt 1, I tried to find parallels to Murdoc’s canon biography (or fanon, in one or two cases), so have fun searching and interpreting or just ask me. 

Also this time I’ll only cover one era. I know I said I thought about Murdoc being a fellow of Aleister Crowley and him fighting in World War II and I wrote several approaches, but even if there are defo interesting parallels in Murdoc’s biography to Crowley’s (not only with the whole occultism but also about Crowley being bisexual and working his ways around it with magic rituals or a wild stay in Mexico or him being a mountaineer that let me think of Murdoc’s trip to the Andes etc etc etc) I struggled finding interesting significance for Murdoc as a backround figure in that life. Still lmk if you want to hear my attempts.

There are some CW’s, so take care: mentions of period typical homophobia; mentions of brief Na/zi party sympathies (I hope you see how I don’t include that for shits n’ giggles)

Between World Wars (1925 - 1933)

Interesting and troubling times that touch on a few points I’d like to address. From around 1900 to 1933 Berlin was the epicenter of one of the first global gay and trans rights movements. Curtesy to several historical figures, but especially the doctor and sexologist Magnus Hirschfeld, who opened his “Institut für Sexualwissenschaft” (Institute for Sexology) in 1919 (if you watched/read “The Danish Girl” or know about Lili Elbe, you might know about the institute too). His theory was, that trans- and homosexuality weren’t chosen or a disease, but inherent and therefore those affected deserved rights and support. Hirschfeld gathered a broad circle of supporters and worked closely with women’s rights activists. The institute harbored the largest library on the subject at the time.

The ultimate goal of Hirschfeld and his like-minded colleagues was the abolishment of § 175 (effective from 1871 to 1994) of the german criminal code, which penalized homosexual encounters.

The institute even survived World War I. By the end of the 19th century, Berlin already had its own, surprisingly public ball culture, but Hirschfeld’s yearlong efforts as well as the thriving economy of the Weimar Republic liberated the social climate for queer people in Berlin a lot more. In the 1920’s, Berlin had the world’s biggest gay- and lesbian quarter. That and the overll party scene attracted an international clientele.

Enter Murdoc. Born around 1900 into GB’s working class, on top of that, struggling with the norms and expectations of a heteronormative life style pretty early (my interpretation from all the canon hints will always be he’s bi or pan). In GB, it was possible to legally pursue homosexual acts since 1885 through section 11 (pls correct me if I tell bs here). London still had it’s own, vibrant queer culture at the time, but afaik it was a more repressed than in Berlin (again, tell me if I am wrong).

1914 WWI broke out. Reportedly, even minors as young as 16 were drafted for military service. I imagine Murdoc was about to be drafted in 1917/18 but was caught fooling around with another boy and therefore, while not strictly punished, found inept for military service. In November 1918 the war ended, but Murdoc faced more and more pressure from his surroundings bc his preferences had become known, so he decided to find his luck in Berlin. And he probably did in the gay party scene of the city.

Downsides of this scenario? Two major points:

The antisemitism of 19th century was still very present. There were so many famous jewish artists, doctors, scientists, writers etc. assembled in Berlin who had immensely shaped the cultural progress of the time, but still they were an easy scapegoat.

Second point was, that the economy wasn’t thriving for a long time. The majority of Berlins population lived under gruesome circumstances in poverty and criminality was at it’s peak (something I imagine Murdoc would have struggled with too). In 1929 the Great Depression hit Germany too and it ultimately helped the political right wing (the german Na/zi party N/SDAP) rise, like crisis are prone to do. This is kinda bleak now, but I find it hard to discuss away Murdoc’s former canon probable right-wing sympathies, or at the very least ignorance. So this is where my suggestion now comes from, that he might first sympathized with the rising party, that got elected into the german government in 1933. That was until he had to realize that people like him where among the very first victims of the new movement and I think he had to learn that the hard way. As soon as the N/SDAP got elected, a mob of Na/zis raided Hirschfeld’s institute, waving flags and shouting parols, not only bc of his advocacy for queer people’s rights, but also bc he was jewish. Hirschfeld fled into exile and never returned. His remarkable library got publicly burned in May 1933 and §175 was aggravated later. After that, I imagine that Murdoc had an unpleasant encounter with a few rightwing lads that made him finally change his mind. He returned to GB quickly and later got drafted into the British army. Members of the LGBTQ+ community in Germany finally were pursued and interned in concentration camps, flagged with a pink triangle.

Ok, I used it this time to talk about a period I really care about and I used to do a lot of research back in uni, but I still think this could fit Murdoc’s characterization. 

I can’t make promises on my motivation, but if you have any more suggestions or want me to cover a certain period, just tell me.

Tell me if you find inaccuracies too, I love to learn.

[the-anticlimax-that-is-life]

The story of how I got disabled.

 For those that don’t know me that well.. (Or maybe just for myself, to keep my story clear.. or to overshare.. or to break the silence..)

I am currently 24 and have graduated from university about half a year ago; chemistry mayor.  (Oh, and I am actually Dutch.. So I may mess up my sentences every now and then..)

I have done my master’s degree at another university than where I started off during my bachelor’s, because of reasons that will soon become clear.

Even though I have successfully obtained my master’s degree in chemistry with special notes to my practical skills, I still am having quite serious issues over what I am about to tell you.

I am visually impaired, probably roughly on the edge of legal blindness, but since we don’t use the same notations in my country as basically anywhere else, I have no way of knowing if that assumption is correct. (But if the system works as I have ‘interpreted’ in, my vision is below 20:200..)

Also, I have always been sort of against calling myself ‘disabled’-> I am perfectly able of basically anything a ‘normal’ or ‘average’ person is capable of.

(Well, sure there are some exceptions, like, I would not be able to drive a car.. But cars are overrated anyway so 😊)

I can hear you asking: ‘why is this even relevant? You seem to be doing perfectly fine, having your master’s degree and all?’ – Indeed, why would it be?

—————————

So here comes a recap of the first of two Facebook posts that have become even more relevant as time passes me by..(Okay, actually it has become more of a rough translation, because I don’t like leaving stuff out..):

‘From ten to zero’ (Posted on November 10th, 2015)

The post started with a general apology for all the drama that was about to unfold, sort of admitting that I just needed to share what had been going on, for I couldn’t deal with it on my own.

Before I proceed with this recap, I want to add that during this period in my life, I have had a lot of support from friends, family and more; I don’t think I have ever felt as much love and care as I have during this period – Dear everyone, I probably wouldn’t still be here without you. (Yeah, I may have stated stuff like that before, but I can assure you that it’s heartfelt.. And I am not ashamed to admit that.)

When I wrote the post, I was in my third year of the bachelor’s. I was participating in a special minor from biopharmaceutical sciences, that was mainly focused on medical chemistry. I had chosen this minor because it included a course called ‘bio-organic synthesis’-> my life’s passion.

Before I even know about organic chemistry, stuff like that had always interested me very much and I wanted to ‘become a researcher.’ During my bacherlor’s, I found out about organic chemistry and the possibility of doing a PhD -> quite the motivator! (No, but really.. I actually put a lot of work in more courses, especially the ones I was interested n.)

Even though I have never been a ‘straight-A student,’ I definitely had potential to do a PhD. (But more about that later.. Because holy shit, let’s not derail the story into a wibbly wobbly timey wimey chaotic mess just yet.)

Okay, so back to this minor, or perhaps first some more background..

Even though I don’t like to focus on my disability, it has probably sort of always played an undeniable role in my life. Growing up ‘different’ is though. It always is. Especially when people can see something is wrong with you, even though you don’t see that yourself. (Hah! - Wait, was that the first pun? We’re what, roughly 600 words in the story? Damn, I must be really off today..)

Anyway, for all my life, I have been pushing myself to do everything as normal as possible. Normal primary school, normal secondary school, normal high-school. Sure, I walked up to the blackboard as a kid, and had special binoculars to read the board in high-school.. But that’s just the way things were – no harm in that, right? (I mean, I am not even sure who I am trying to convince here.. Is it you.. or me?)

There are a few reasons as to why I have always pursuit a ‘normal’ life.

First of all, I hate being labelled or stigmatized. My disability may make me do some things a little differently; but it does not make less (capable) than anyone else.

Secondly, which is actually linked to what I stated above; fuck stigmatization, Really, fuck that shit. I guess I have just always felt moved by the way the world works and the way society has its ways of putting down those that are different in any way. – Yes, this goes much further than just my stupid eye disability..

As a kid I wanted to become a super-hero.

During my teens, I guess, I figured that that actually was possible in a way.

By just ‘making it’- I thought - I could set an example to others; don’t let anyone tell you what you can or cannot do or who you can or cannot be, because you can do or become anything or anyone you set your mind to.

And I was well on my way of doing so. – Oh, did I shine brightly as I aced my synthetic organic chemistry final.. My one and only 10/10, all perfect score.. on university level.

This theoretical synthetic organic chemistry course was one of the two main reasons I had chosen to do this minor.

The other one, perhaps needless to say, was a practical bio-organic chemistry course given by a man called R.. During my first year at uni, we had had an argument and I felt like he sort of hated my guts.. So, I wasn’t too happy to see he would give the course. But at the same time, he didn’t seem that bad at the time I was applying for the minor. He had seen the way I worked hard for my organic chemistry courses (he assisted in the previous organic chemistry course, on which I scored 9/10..)

Before even applying to the minor, (say it was in June..) I had also spoken to him about the fact I wanted to do the course, especially because I also wanted to do my bachelor thesis in organic chemistry, (then my master.. etc..)

The only reason I sort of ‘asked for permission’ is because I have always done so. I have always been open about the fact I am visually impaired, just to make sure people know in advance. – I mean, maybe if things are out in the open, people won’t feel the need to stigmatize me so much?

R. had seen me do practical work in the first year, and he didn’t see any reason of why I couldn’t join the course. However, he did advise me to also do a computational course (rather than another practical one), just to let me try that as well.

As a bit of yet another extra layer of background, before I even joined the study itself, I have spoken with several people about all of this -> my disability and the possibilities. One conversation I can remember was with a woman called A. (some sort of study advisor.) She was very, very positive and told me she was fully confident I would do great. But, if there would be any trouble, I just have to tell her, and she would help me find a way to work around it. – I never felt the need to. You see, I have done several practical courses, all of which I passed. Sometimes barely, but that had more to do with my writing skills.. (Really, my outstanding practical skills have actually saved my grades, more than once.)

So, back to the story..

Somewhere around the end of September, I went to speak to R.. In our conversation a few months earlier (the one where I sort of asked him permission to join ‘his’ course in December) he had also said he thought it would be best if I worked together with someone during the practical course. Because I was determined to pursue a carrier in organic synthesis, I wanted to tell him that I’d rather do the course alone – to truly test my own capability. (I was pretty sure I could pull it off, otherwise I would of course not have asked, but say, as a final confirmation.)

It didn’t come to that. He started the conversation with saying ‘that there had been a problem…’ He told me that there was a chance I was no longer allowed to work on the ab, because of ‘insurance reasons’ – if I were to cause an accident, the insurance wouldn’t pay because of my disability. (The fact my disability makes me extra aware of safety and work extra securely wasn’t even considered..)

After our conversation, R. told me he was going to figure out the depths of it. He told me he was going to discuss this with all people involved, because everyone knew me as a motivated and capable student.

I thanked him nevertheless, not wanting to ‘shoot the messenger’..

Roughly a month passed, a month of silence. I could feel myself slipping down again.. Yet, I was able to hold on the hope that this had all be some sort of misunderstanding. (Also, just a month before this, I had gotten my first tattoo, which made me feel pretty powerful. Oh, silly me.. I still sometimes feel like I have jinxed it all by raising my chin like that.. >.> - Ah well, let’s no go there again, for once, let’s just not.. </3)

Fun fact, the synthetic organic chemistry course was also in this month. I t was a rough month, but I fucking aced it. And that was what I needed; extra proof of my determination. So I e-mailed R., who told me to talk to the SOC professor (the dean of the research group at which the practical course was going to be held – nice guy btw; he was still on my side and may even have remained on my side till the end..)

After being sent back and forth in e-mails between R. and that professor a few times, I talked a bit in real life with the SOC professor and he told me that it would be best if I went to see R. next Monday.

On November 9, 2015 (which was my 21th birthday) I went to have a nice and cozy talk with my bestest friend R.. (He truly is the most tactful and sympathetic man on this planet! God, I love him like I would love having my nails ripped off, well, actually I would have preferred that over this bullshit..)

He started off with saying he didn’t really have time, so he’d keep it short.

With a grin, he told me that: ‘He actually isn’t supposed to tell me what he would be so glad to tell me..’ (because he had yet to discuss it with P., the dean of the study.) I can’t remember what I asked in that brief moment of hope..

‘But it’s not looking good for you!’ – Without any space for me to think or truly speak, the conversation shifted towards the fact that I had to go and talk to A. (the study adviser) and P. (the study dean) to see what my options were to even finish my bachelor’s.. Because sure as hell was I never going to be able to do my bachelor’s thesis at ‘his’ group, not even to speak of my master’s..

The whole ordeal didn’t take much more than 5 minutes. I remember running off to the restroom as fast as I could. Never before had my make-up been smudged all the way down to my chin. (If that doesn’t paint a clear picture, I don’t know what will.)

I was really fucking heartbroken. All I had worked for got crushed like it was nothing. Did it all mean so little?

I remember being really confused a well. How did this happen? And why did this happen now? Why didn’t anyone tell me about this before?

And most importantly.. Who caused this?

‘I tried so hard and got so far.. Just to be shoved away again.

I know I have to move on, to take a different direction perhaps. To figure out a way to finish my studies nevertheless – when one door closes..

Sigh, I know I shouldn’t let this get in my way.. but right now, I just can’t..

How is one supposed to act once one’s dream gets shattered?’

—————————

Next will be the ‘recap’ of the second post, almost a year after the first. I regret not writing more in between these two posts.. But that was just because all my efforts were wasted. Just believe me when I say that I have talked with a lot of people and done basically anything in my power to figure out how things got to be the way they were. During the time in between these two posts I managed to finish my bachelor’s degree at ‘another’ university. (My luck, the educational track was shared by two universities, so I ‘simply’ hopped to the other university.. Which actually wasn’t simple, but that story is not relevant at this point.)

‘Never cross the heart’ (Posted somewhere in October 2016)

The truth; prepare for drama.

The Thursday before I wrote this post, I had been to my bachelor’s graduation ceremony. I didn’t want to go there at all, but since it was not just my ceremony but also that of my husband, we decided to go after all. (We had been asked to hand in a personal PowerPoint slide and actually decided to hand in one together, since we had gotten married that year – they didn’t bother to even mention it..)

Anyway, during that time, I had started my master’s degree at a university in Amsterdam (2-hour travel from my home..) and felt really depressed. Getting out of bed felt like a life sentence – and that was just the start of the day. Everything felt pretty fucking pointless, I mean, why even try? The whole situation at my old uni was troubling me a lot. It didn’t matter that I had provided myself with a new start; I was broken, so fucking broken. What’s the point of trying to fight a system build on ignorance and stigmatization? – I felt like I could trust no one, that even though I was given a fair chance, it would probably be taken from me again.

Even though I knew deep down that the system was just fucked, I was filled with self-loathing. ‘I mean, they were right, right? I am legally blind, who am I fooling? I shouldn’t be trying stuff like this, I am never going to be good enough. What if they were actually just trying to protect me?’ – The lies we tell ourselves..

Anyway, back to the ceremony..

We had intended to go there and just fake through it all. Just shine on and make them regret sending me away. However, hehe, I am not a fake. (Oh and trust me, I tried. I even decided not to wear my necklace, just as a way of accepting the fake fuck I planned to be.. – Oh sweet irony.)

All the stuff that had been building up in the past year.. All these unanswered questions, all the powerlessness..

The exact moment when I had to collect my degree and smile for my dad to take a picture, I couldn’t hold my tears no more..

Not wanting to make a scene, I hid my face and just sat down in order to let the further ceremony proceed as planned.

At this point, I think it’s time for some more background. During this past year, I had spoken to a lot of different people about the whole situation. I even went as far as going the university’s ombudsman.. ..who was going to help me.. ..empty words.. (I don’t think the story is relevant at this point; let’s just say he probably didn’t want this all to get out in the open because that would make a bad name for the university.. Or at least, that’s the impression I got from the way he acted,, It’s much more complicated. Ugh..)

I also went to see P., the dean of the bachelor’s study a few times. He did ‘help me’ with arranging things to get to finish my bachelor’s at the other university, but that was all he did – and probably just because I was actually a good student so me graduating without a delay would be good for his statistics. – More about him later.

 I had also spoken to A. a lot about this whole ordeal. I actually trusted her, so I had also talked to her about some personal issues that had also been going on around that time. She seemed to really want to help me, yet she couldn’t help me figure out who had caused all this or the reason why.. I remember asking her if it would be possible for R. (from before) to have anything to do with this, for he was the one that told me there was ‘a problem’ in the first place.. But she almost violently denied that. She was absolutely sure, because, she told me, R. is usually the one to help students who are struggling to pass classes or get stuff arranged. – I believed her, sort of feeling guilty to let my own prejudice, my personal issues towards the man lead me to such foundationless conclusions.

I had also spoken to the dean of the master’s study, L. This is not really relevant to this story, but I do not want to leave it out because this specific conversation actually still haunts me to this day.

I went to see her to talk about the possibilities of doing my master’s at that university (the one I also did my bachelor’s.) L. knew me, she had actually given one of the courses I had taken (and passed nicely.)

In the conversation, she made up all sorts of comparisons as to why she would deny me from doing the master’s. Before all of this, I was the first visually impaired student they had ever seen at this study. But at this point, I suddenly wasn’t. For example, she had had another visually impaired student that had to stick her head in the fume hood to measure things. (I am still not sure this is even true, because someone with that little common sense would probably not even able to finish high-school..) Either way, the way she told me this was more as an attack than just information. She also told me that there was another student in her masters, and all her experiments failed. (Assuming it was due to her disability.. Experiments sometimes just fail, you know?)

To finish off what was left of my self-esteem, one of the last things she said to me was: ‘You are just trying to deny you are disabled.’ – I can’t even.

I think this is one of the most hurtful things someone has ever said to me. Especially during a period in my life where I was finally sort of accepting who I was and be open about everything..

..Enough about that.

To summarize it all, one thing became clear over time: nobody had my back. The general attitude towards me had shifted from ‘that one talented and motivated student’ to ‘the stupid disabled kid that is going to get us in trouble..’ Basically, all they were doing was trying to save themselves and each other. Again, I regret not have written down more about all the conversations I have had, because that would make this all more believable.

Because yes, I sometimes, most of the time, feel like a fraud. That is must be all in my head, that I must not be so negative, that not everyone is out to get me, etc.. – Yes, not everyone is out to get me, there are a lot of loving caring people out there, but not those pieces of shit that were involved in this. (There were some people at my old university that would probably have loved to help me.. But no-one likes to risk it all for just some student, and I can understand that..)

Anyway, back to the story..

After the ceremony, there were free drinks. (Ah, drinking! Another habit I had picked up that year..)

As we (my husband, parents and me) were standing there with our drinks, A. (the study adviser from before) walked up to me; ‘Ahhhhh, congratulations! How are youuuu? How is Ansterdaaaam?’ (I had specifically told her it was a secret that I was going to do my masters in Amsterdam, because I didn’t want anyone to ruin that for me.. But what to expect? Spineless cunt..)

With a clear face and calm tone, I told her that it was hard for me to focus on my studies, considering all the stuff that ha happened to me. She said something like: ‘Oh, that’s a shame.’ And walked off.

I felt pretty proud of myself for shaking her off like that, not making a scene, etc. I even remember ‘bragging’ about that to my husband and parents, and probably getting a ‘pad on the back’ for that. – and trust me, I felt it. I really did not want to make a scene. I truly wanted to leave it all behind me and move on..

Until M., (the new study’s dean who was completely oblivious to this whole situation..) walked u to me to have a little chat. This poor woman probably just wanted to meet me or do some chit-chat.. She got the full blow.

I told her all about what had happened the past year, how I felt depressed, and how just knew I needed to know the whole truth in order to move on with my life.. Obviously, P. (the other dean) noticed something was going on and joined the conversation. I could clearly notice I was not the only one no longer being able to control my emotions. P. got really irritated, telling me they had tried everything but couldn’t help me with unraveling the truth.

After some more of the ‘I need closure’- ‘We can’t give you these answers you are looking for’ drama, M. proposed to have a closer look at the whole situation. Based on something A. had told me before, she suggested to contact J. (some professor with a high function in the whole education thing, A. had suggested in the past that he may have had something to do with it..)

But since my part in this had started with the conversations with R., I proposed it would perhaps be best to ask him once more. Not to shoot the message, but just to start at the beginning of the source.

M. proposed to e-mail R. next week – I didn’t want to wait that long, so we decided to check if he was in the building and just meet face to face.

Long story short, he was in the building and we went to pay him a visit.

I told him about what had happened today, and how we basically wanted to ask him once more what he knew, since he was the one that told me there was a problem in the first place. I asked him if he had any who had started all of this.

With a straight face, he directly admitted that he was the one that had started this. His reason behind this was that he simply didn’t want to take responsibility for me during the bio-organic synthesis practical course or anything related to that, ‘because he wouldn’t be able to guarantee my safety.’ (He did get defensive though, stating J. was the one to eventually ‘seal the decision’ - which was of course completely irrelevant, like, anyone could ‘agree’ with any statement produced by someone with influence..)

Of course, I asked him why he had decided all of this at this point, and not before or during the time I was signing up for the course. He simply replied with: ‘I didn’t know your vision is only 0.15’ (actually, it’s even less but okay..) I replied with something like: ‘What does such a number even say? It might as well had been 0.25, 0.35 or 0.55..’ – He shut me off, stating my argument was going nowhere.

Then, I told him it simple didn’t make any sense. He had known (about) me since day one, and actually co-supervised one of my very first practical courses. He knew exactly how good or bad my vision was and what he could expect from me, working on the lab. (Really, nothing out of the ordinary there..)

Mockingly, and with a somewhat arrogant voice he said: ‘Oh, yes, I know you all too well.’ Then, he started stating some bullshit about how he had seen me work, and how my ways were just unacceptable for an organic chemist. (Like for example standing too close to a rotary evaporator.)

I told him that we are students for a reason, that we are there to learn. I was even able to come up with something that happened between us during that first practical course. How I made some (non-sight related) rooky mistake, and how he had told me that I had to do it differently – and so I did. (He didn’t actually tell me, he been growling at me since day one.. Not just at me btw..)

Again, he cut me off, stating that he could name a dozen things more, but to which he wouldn’t go into further argument over.

He also started another bullshit story about how I have always had been given a special treatment, such as working together with a partner.

I told him this wasn’t true, because everyone was teamed up with a partner during these first few practical courses. – He shut me off, stating ‘he knew for sure how HIS practical courses were.’

Eventually, my dad tried to intervene, to which R. got irritated, stating how he was through with being cussed at – he told us to leave. (Who exactly cussed at who?)

As we left the room, with a lot of irritation in my tone, I gave him the kind advice not to crush people’s dreams in less than 5 minutes (on their birthday) next time. And to maybe look after your students some more after dropping such bad news on them.

Obviously, this too got ignored. As well as all other signs of emotion, both verbally and non-verbally during all the conversations we had had.

A few moments later, as we walked down the hallway, I had a mental breakdown. I have said some things in front of my husband and parents I am not so proud of.. (I hate it when the people I care about see me in such a state..) Eventually, my vision went blurry (yeah, even blurrier than usual 😊) and I fell through my knees.

10 minutes or so passed, then guess what?

I can remember hearing me dad say: ‘oh, there he is..’

I can’t remember who spoke first, one of my parents or R. himself.

I remember his psychopathic emotionless voice say: ‘good evening’ – something snapped.

I remember screaming: ’My blood will be on your hands, motherfucker!’ – Words I am not proud of, but were, at that very moment, genuine and heartfelt.

He didn’t respond. Then, I added: ‘I hope someone will someday take from you what you have stolen from me!’ – words that are more than genuine and heartfelt even to this day.

He simply walked off – he didn’t even flinch.

Some more desperate cries I luckily can’t remember later, I remember grabbing some newspapers that were laying around and completely ripping them apart. (Honestly, I think the fact I was not alone at that moment have saved me a lot of nasty, nasty stuff..) – I am pretty fucking proud of how I handled that shit at that moment. Could have easily ripped either him or (more likely) myself to shreds.

To conclude:

I have had issues with this man from day one. But we are all only human, and I didn’t want to let my own experiences lead me astray. Deep down, I think I  knew from the start that he was the cause of this all along. But it didn’t even make sense. Why would he do this?

Even to this day, it makes no sense. How can someone be that sick?

Later, I found out that R. had pulled similar (but slightly different) stuff to other people as well; probably just for the thrills. – This guy is a true psychopath.

—————————

*Sigh*

Now comes the hardest part.

Today is the Ides of March, 2019.

It’s 00:24 AM., and I just don’t know what to say.

I thought that by rewriting this, I could maybe come closer to understanding the actual damage this has done to me.

The problem is, it has been, what, 3 years? – So much has happened – it still makes no sense.

I guess all I can say is:

I am disabled.

I am disabled by means of not being able to do stuff other people are able to.

I am unable to accept myself the way I was born. (I didn’t ask for this body?)

I am unable to be myself and do things in my own way – I am in constant fear of being judged. Being rejected. Being send away. Again, and again, and again.

(Honestly. I can’t even pour some water into a beaker in front of people without freezing up..)

I have become the stigma and am unable to conquer that.

Who really is to blame, is it me or you?

The system perhaps?

Well guess what; we are all to blame.

I have let it happen. – And I will never be able forgive myself for that.

I had one fucking goal in life. – And ‘you’ took it from me.

But really, it wouldn’t be fair to blame you.

I was broken from the start, held together by stupid sharpie doodles and a little bit of ink..

This could be about so much more..

But let’s not go there. Not today.

You know what?

Fuck you. I’m done.