#I love the way you makes me feel safe
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te pienso
al despertar/durante el desayuno
mientras estudio/ mientras trabajo
mientras cocino
cuando me cuentas de tu día
mientras tomas tu siesta
cuando me hablas de tu familia
cuando está soleado y hace calor
cuando está nublado
cuando anochece/ entre mis sueños
te pienso Ez,
casi todo el tiempo.
#sapphic#lgbt pride#dark academia aesthetic#growing in love#dreams#my life is brighter thanks to you#god i love your smile and your laugh#I love the way you makes me feel safe#i want to be better to give you the best version of myself
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There’s nothing wrong with wanting unconditional love from your f/o, there’s nothing wrong with being ‘the exception’ there’s nothing wrong with making ur self ship super lovey dovey- there is nothing wrong with making your f/o love you in the way you want to be loved!!!!! It’s your ship do whatever you want
proship/variants + neutrals and RPF DNI
#saw a post that pissed me off lmao#not to ramble but I struggled with low self esteem for. most of my life#part of the reason I’m able to be more confident now and less. anxiously attached is BECAUSE I used my selfship to cope this way#imagining my latest fixation being obsessed with me#worshiping the ground I walked on. being hopelessly in love with me#this how I was able to build myself back up and recognize the kind of love I deserved for myself !!!#I know people don’t really like to be reminded of this but your f/os aren’t real#they can feel however you want them to feel. and if you want them to be so in love with you it’s all they can think about SO BE IT!!!#you deserve to imagine a character who’s never upset with you. who would destroy a city for you. you deserve to be loved unashamedly!!!!!!#make your selfship how ever you want#so sick of ppl in this community complaining about how others selfship UGH#okay I’m done#selfship#self ship#self ship positivity#self shipping#self shipping community#selfshipping#self ship blog#yumeship#safeship#safe shipping#f/o community#fictional other#f/o positivity#♡.txt
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for what it's worth I personally don't believe spite had anything to do with the pantry near-kiss experience at all. I think that was a 100% lucanis naturel disaster no supernatural additives present or indeed required. at most spite was watching that whole situation go down with mild puzzlement about approximately every part of it, I don't think he'd have much interest in it one way or the other. the explanation seems much more mundane and grounded and in some ways much sadder to me.
if your nervous system has never been in a place where any surge of emotion, even -- in fact sometimes especially! -- a good and exciting one makes you feel like your soul just touched a hot stove it can't get away from, then sincerely, from the bottom of my heart and without a trace of snark, thank goodness and I hope you never experience it. For the rest of you... fistbump of solidarity it's rough out here but *grits teeth* we stay silly etc. In the place lucanis is in during that part of the game, feeling like you're losing control (again even for ostensibly good happy reasons) can feel an awful lot like you're dying, or worse. on top of everything else going on for him -- again going only with non-supernatural elements and not even comprehensive: a year of non-stop horrific trauma added to pile of previous mountain of childhood and attachment trauma. chronic sleep deprivation. apparently dead grandma doubling as mother figure. cousin-brother aggressively fucking around and in real danger of finding out. fucked up the ONE thing he thought he knew how to do that's been the central pillar of his identity. the world might be ending even more than it already was because of it. keeps faceplanting with barely any dignity and having to get up again with alarming regularity GOD how could I ever not save treviso this man desperately needs a W (just one!!) like few people in the history of the world have before him. he's more caffeine than man because the alternative feels worse. it's bad in here. and ON TOP of all that he's in the process of falling just. appallingly soul-shrivingly in love, which can notably be playing on hard mode even when you're in a mostly functional place, that shit routinely rocks people to the core under the best of circumstances.
so I'm not surprised it's too overwhelming for him to handle when he tries to throw himself in head first -- in fact I'd have been more surprised if it weren't lol. he clearly wants it so much, which only makes it so much more painful that he can't actually bear to touch it when it's offered to him freely and eagerly. this is the tantalus-level awfulness of this kind of attachment trauma; food seems to be right there, you can see it, almost smell it sometimes, but no matter what you just can't seem to reach it. seemingly not for any flaw in the existence of the food, but because of something broken in you that can't or can't bear to actually eat. his deliberate flirting routine is kind of deeply dorky tbh lol (in the most endearing way possible let's be perfectly clear) and I don't think it's entirely natural to him -- that's a hastily cobbled together 'oh god I am getting the vibes here it is happening for some reason they like me for my personality quick what would illario do' approach if ever I saw it, supported by the fact that it never really makes a return after this --
BUT I do think his obvious near-unbearable delight with rook's existence and person that shines through in that scene is entirely real and unfeigned. he likes them so much. he wants so bad to be able to be close to them. he's so hungry for the reprieve and release and relief they represent to him, just for one moment, just one break from all the awfulness to have something uncomplicatedly good. and it's here, it's been offered, he's welcome!!! and he has to flinch away at the last minute anyway because he's an exposed nerve of a human being. there's a point at which every sensation including joy becomes indistinguishable from agony. he's pretty much exactly at that point. for the love of god have some mercy on him people. the feeling that salvation is right here but you're too broken a vessel to hold it is one I wouldn't wish on anyone. let him have a few moments to stare into the void before he's ready to get back up and try again surely we all deserve at least that much lol
#dragon age#dragon age: the veilguard#dragon age: the veilguard spoilers#dragon age spoilers#lucanis dellamorte#rook x lucanis#rookanis#this is literally just me ranting about the feelings he evokes in me and not really directed at anyone I just. I Feel. things#in case you can't tell. I'm the lucanis. him is me. we be like this. this all makes the too much kind of perfect sense to me#it's odd in narrative structure but it's uh. uncomfortably real in some ways. freeze is difficult to describe in conventional narrative#it's a bad time to have in a bad place. but very decent company to be in I must say I love him. so much#also I think we might have exposed some of the basic garrusness going on here haha (just one thing please just one good thing)#and how much getting there hinges on feeling completely safe in that relationship. anyway. everyone ok. I'm not but someone should be
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Pac: Take care of Ramon, take care of Richas, ok? See you on the other side, big boy.
Fit: [Laughs] Take it easy, big boy. Take it easy, big boy. Actually, nononono– You can't just say "big boy" and then just expect me to not drag you outta here. [Fit tries to lasso Pac] You're coming with me.
Pac: No, I need to leave!
Fit: You're coming with me. You are not dying today! You are not dying today!
Pac: I need to leave, Fit! I'm sorry, I'm sorry!
Ironmouse: Are you guys like, having sexy time?
Fit: There's homosexual activity going on Mouse, don't worry about us, ok?
Ironmouse: You guys, we don't have time to be gay right now.
[ Full Transcript ↓ ]
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Pac: I'm just here to say goodbye to you, Fit.
Fit: Goodbye? We're not– we're gonna be fine, we're going to get out of here, don't worry.
Aypierre: Yeah, don't worry!
Pac: I know, but like– I will sleep until the end, you know? I will pass through this moment sleeping, man. I won't be able to be awake for the moment.
Fit: [Laughs] You know, it's– I mean, if that's how you wanna go, but– I mean, that- I mean, isn't that bed kind of like.... I don't know, it's–
Pac: No no, I will be staying on the sofa, you know, I will be staying on the sofa.
Fit: Oh the sofa. Ok, that's a nice sofa! Yeah, that is a pretty nice sofa.
Pac: Yeah, it's a nice sofa right? No, yeah– I'm going to stay on the sofa, you know? So, since I will be going Fit... [Pac starts tossing Fit all his items]
Aypierre: [Not paying attention to their conversation] Is that bigger cell? I don't think it's a bigger- biggest one.
Fit: Oh... Thank you Pac, thank you.
Pac: Everything you need to survive, ok?
Fit: Wow.
Aypierre: Wow.
Pac: And if you need this one also, maybe, who knows? [Throws him more items]
Fit: Ohhh, well hey– just take this to remember me by, ok? [Tosses him a photo of himself – the same one Aypierre was carrying all day yesterday]
Pac: [Laughs] Ok, I will sleep holding the picture you know, like this. You know, I will dream about you, Fit. And I hope this is gonna be good dreams. I see you in the other side. Good luck, my friend.
Fit: The other side... Yeah, you know, yeah, we– we– you know? It's been an honor, Pac. It's been an honor, you know?
Pac: Yeah, for me too, you know? Take care of Ramon, take care of Richas, ok?
Fit: Ok.
Pac: See you on the other side, big boy.
Fit: I will sing your praise– Oh yeah, hey– [Laughs] Take it easy, big boy. Take it easy, big boy. Actually, nononono– You can't just say "big boy" and then just expect me to not drag you outta here. You're coming with me.
Pac: No, I need to leave!
Fit: You're coming with me. You are not dying today! You are not dying today!
Pac: I need to leave, Fit! I'm sorry, I'm sorry!
Fit: Sorry, there's–
Pac: I'm sorry!
Ironmouse: Are you guys like, having sexy time?
Fit: There's homosexual activity going on Mouse, don't worry about us, ok?
Ironmouse: You guys, you guys– we don't have time to be gay right now, come on. There's no time.
Pac: No, there's no time! Oh, goodbye Fit...
Fit: Ok, c'mon, no no no, come on, we got this we got this!
Pac: Goodbye Fit, I'm sorry!
Fit: [Laughs] Oh no...
#Pactw#FitMC#Hideduo#FitPac#QSMP#QSMP Prison#January 22 2024#So canonically how do you guys view this moment?#Did Pac just canonically conk out from stress?#Did he take sleeping pills on purpose to sleep through whatever awful thing was inevitably going to happen?#Curious to hear what other people think#I like to imagine the stress finally got to him#He spent the entire time trying to mirror things he saw Cell doing#and finally cried about it to Bagi#I can't blame him if he wants to sleep through the rest of it. Man's living in a place that's actively making him relive past trauma#Fit says he's carrying Pac in his backpack but I like to imagine that he just gave Pac a piggy back ride the entire way home :D#I imagined that for Purgatory too#it's cute#idk the whole idea of very traumatized characters being so comfortable around certain people#Idk the idea Pac feeling so safe around Fit#(despite being in a place that is actively stressing him out)#that he feels alright falling asleep and trusting him / Mike to protect him is sweet to me#Idk man I'm a big fan of the ''literal sleeping together'' trope#I love when characters take naps together it's so cute#esp when it's two traumatized characters with a lot of baggage / trust issues#It's nice#anyways I got way off topic with these tags LMAO sorry#I was gonna edit this down but I like the entire conversation so I'm leaving it as is#The YouTube editor living in my brain: Not great for viewer retension#Me: Shhhhhhhh I'm an Archivist. I can do whatever I want.
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My Personal Headcanon On Why Amy's Love For Sonic Died Down Lately (and their dynamic)
When they were younger, Amy's love for Sonic was pretty extreme, and Sonic was, understandable, uncomfortable for the most part. He knows she means well, but that girl needs to calm down.
She can fight, but sometimes her hammer could only stun her enemies for a while. (It took her a long time to get rid of that robot that has been chasing her around Station Square.) She wasn't fully independent yet, even if she fought on her own a couple of times.
She often follows Sonic and his friends around. She is part of the team, but she was not a strong as she is now at the time yet.
She admires Sonic. A LOT. And Sonic knows that. Obviously, he could only run away from something like that, since he is NOT ready for that kind of thing, and whether Amy takes the hint or stop, she still loves him.
...BUT, I think things were slightly starting to change between her and Sonic after Lost World.
Remember this line?
You remember that? Okay, okay. Here's another totally unrelated question:
Before the events of Lost World, when was the last time Amy said "I love you" to Sonic out loud?
...YEP. 😈 (Unless I'm missing something, let me know lmao)
As more games and adventures come out, the characters get slightly older, and Amy is 12 to 13 now, and she is most certainly at that age where her body starts to change, but especially on how she views Sonic.
She knows she loves Sonic, but it was this moment during her change where she actually wanted to admit that she loves him.
I believe that Amy was all about sharing her affection to him not through confessions, but through obvious hints. Sonic totally got it, and there was no need to confess. Sonic knows she loves her.
...But she never said it. And she almost did, but she never did again for a while.
I think this was the moment in her life where, oh, God, she actually loves Sonic. SHE LOVES HIM, WHAT.
And she was looking back at all the times she had with Sonic that she can now see were unpleasant to Sonic (At least that's what she thinks) and that's probably why she isn't so expressive about her love to him than how she used to back then.
She wasn't sure what to do with this realization, and sets aside it for a while, and nearly stayed as her casual, peppy self... until the Eggman War happened.
During the 6 months of being with the Resistance, fighting Eggman's army all day and all night, all she can think of was Sonic.
She dreams that he still with not just her, but with her friends. She just wanted to see Sonic again, she just wants to be with her hero again.
But I'd like to think that she was also thinking about how she used to treat Sonic back when they were younger, how Sonic would almost always run away from her whenever she asks him out, or always look so uncomfortable whenever she gets so close to him.
Cringing at those memories big time, she wanted to change and hopefully when Sonic is okay and comes back, she can be better for him.
...Or will he still find her uncomfortable regardless? Would he even be happy to see her at all if he did survive?
But, hold on! She can't just give up her love for Sonic! He made her who she is today! A peppy, nature-loving, hammer-swinging, confident, brave... loud-mouth... annoying... Sonic obsessed... weak... pathetic... lonely little girl.
If she gives up on Sonic, it'll be like she gave up on the one hedgehog who saved her life. If she didn't she'll still be the same ol' Amy.
I also like to think she had parents a long while before she met Sonic, and was even expecting a little sister, but a robot invasion happened from where she was and attacked her parents and instead of trying to save them, after getting hurt, she ran away, hoping that they'll come back okay. But they never did.
She was all alone, and needed someone, a friend, a new family, someone who will hold her hand, anyone, to be there for her. But she was ignored by lots, and at that point, she's better off by herself, but still longed for company.
Eventually though, her tarot cards told her her future hero, and there might be hope after all. She encountered Sonic, held onto the belief of the cards tight, and the rest is history.
So, with that headcanon in mind, not only did Amy loose her parents that she didn't save because of her cowardliness (she was only so little at the time that happened) and also Sonic, who she thought will be her only hope, but now gone.
She doesn't even care if he did come back, he'd probably hate her now after everything she did to him, always talking about their "future wedding" or forcing him to go to Twinkle Park.
For the last few months of the war, it was nothing but Amy mentally beating herself up for either refusing to change or moving on, and they are both not fine choices.
She loves Sonic, but he does not love her, and she finally, finally realized it. And it's probably for the best if no body loved her at all.
But of course Sonic did survive and all of her worries wash away in an instant, she's just not expressive about her love for Sonic AT ALL now, since she's still worried about it but rather not mention it to Sonic because it doesn't matter.
If Sonic doesn't love her, then her feelings don't matter to him, and according to Amy herself, that is okay.
But also, I'd like to think that Sonic was thinking about his friends a lot up in the Death Egg for the past months, sometimes it's Tails (worried for his safety), sometimes it's Shadow (because he's wondering why he would join Eggman.) At some point, for a few days, Amy was in his mind the longest, and he felt bad about how he thought he was rude and pushy to her.
He wondered if she's not thinking about it too much, and if she is, will she give up on him? Yeah, he doesn't feel the same and still not looking for a relationship, but it's so strange but interesting how anyone could ever like someone like Sonic the Hedgehog. Amy was never afraid to show that, and she probably might be now.
He couldn't help but feel guilty. They were kids when she was like this, but he was so... arrogant at the time too. Not a lot happened at the time yet. He'd always have trouble expressing how much he value his friends, until he shattered the Paradox Prism. (I'd like to think Prime took place before Forces. It makes sense.)
She is such a sweet girl, and he probably made her believe that he didn't care for her. Just because he doesn't feel the same, that doesn't mean he hates her at all.
He wished he never ran away from Amy... Worrying for his little bro and wishing to be a good person for Amy was when Sonic cried in the Death Egg for the first and only time.
Frontiers, in my opinion, is kind of confirming their dynamic now. Sonic is a lot more sincere and kinder to Amy and she is not all hyperactive and lovey to Sonic. There is probably a real reason for this now.
They are both hiding their feelings from them, and they are both unaware of this. Amy, hiding her mental issues from Sonic, and Sonic, hiding his guilt away from Amy.
None of those things are important now. Sonic is with Amy and Amy is with Sonic. They are here with each other. They can be finally be better for each other now.
They don't care if they'll ever be something more when they get older. None of that matters anymore. They are here with each other. They can be finally be better for each other now.
Maybe someday they'll both talk about it, but for now, the present is important. They care about each other too much to think about it right now.
It's the kind of love that is unbreakable. It doesn't even have to be romantic. It's just love. Love is important for everyone, in any form. It's something Sonic and his friends need. And especially Sonic and Amy.
Amy Rose is the living embodiment of love, and without her, a lot would go downhill for Sonic and co. Heck, if it weren't for her, Shadow wouldn't have never remembered Maria's promise, which lead him to save the world with Sonic, before he temporarily disappeared from their lives for a while.
She is always there to lend a helping hand for anybody, even bad guys like Metal Sonic, and despite what she had been through, both in Forces and headcanon wise, she still fights back, even without her hammer.
She will pick you back up on your feet, reminding you that you are important and that you are loved, and that you should never give up. It's pretty much the words of encouragement she herself needed also...
She is still the happy, hyper, butt-kicking hedgehog we all know and love, but she still need someone to pick her back up on her feet after so long. Thankfully, she has her friends and her blue hero. The hero who made her who she is today.
I think Amy has no idea how important she thought she is, but Sonic does. Sonic knows fully well how important she is to a lot of people. It's about time he returns the favor to her. It's his turn to remind her how much a lot of people love her.
How much he loves her.
And I feel like The Murder of Sonic the Hedgehog was the moment where their dynamic really shined, but also the starting point of their relationship not only healing, but also the next chapter of what's to come for them.
Everyone, friends old and new, gathered around for a special birthday. A birthday for the confident, unshakable, and radiant Amy Rose.
It was such a special moment in Amy's life. After years of chasing and following the people she look up to, she is part of the team, but most importantly, she is part of the family.
She is fully realized as someone more than just a fangirl, but someone strong, courageous, creative, kind and a big inspiration for others.
I feel like this moment here...
-is where Amy is eternally grateful to call her friends her family. A family she thought she'll never have again. She's not alone anymore, and as long as they're by her side, she'll never will be again.
Her chasing days are over. She's finally caught up to them. She's finally home.
And it's all thanks to Sonic.
If it weren't for him, she'd probably be alone forever. Her past moments with Sonic might be embarrassing to look back on for a while, but they are good memories regardless, because they involve him.
Sonic saved her life in more ways than one, and despite everything, he's grateful to have her too.
He cares about her. He really does... And in her eyes, that all she needed to know. As long as Sonic loves her in his own way, she'll be happy.
Amy hasn't given up on Sonic. As long as Amy always supports him, he'll be happy.
Maybe sometime in the future, they can talk about their problems, but that's a story for another time. At this point, they need to. Right now, they are happy. They are okay.
They are here for each other. They are finally better for each other now.
"You guys won't ever leave me, right?"
"Wouldn't dream of it."
#piko rambles#sonic the hedgehog#amy rose#Meant to be platonic but I don't care if you tag as ship lol#I've been meaning to post something like this for the longest time now but never really got into posting it-#-because you guys REALLY hate seeing these two together for some reason.#Well not for SOME reason. There are valid reasons why you don't ship them. Everyone has valid reason why they don't ship this or that.#But sometimes those reasons can just sound so petty to me. Like the reason why is because Amy is a stalker or Sonic hates her which is FALS#Also those age gap arguments are understandable but so goddamn annoying sometimes. Maybe when they hit their late teens or early twenties-#then they can be together if they want to. Besides a good percentage of Sonic ships are better off if they waited til they're old enough im#I love them regardless of whether they're just friends or an awkward older cringe fail couple lmao#But them being just friends and hiding away all their emotions towards each other just to keep them safe and happy with them- 😭😭😭#Son/adow is my favorite ship of all time and sonamy is my favorite childhood ship/platonic ship because they both have one thing in common.#ANGST 😀#I've been thinking about Sonic and Amy's dynamic as of late and MAN-#Mixed with some personal headcanons of mine and their dynamic as of late just makes me so emotional.#Sonic and Amy have gotten so close now and it's so sweet but so heartbreaking at the same time when you think about it.#I'm so happy they are getting along better and being there for each other but there is so much to dissect here. So much to think about.#I might be a little silly but Amy losing her parents and being alone for so long and being the reason why she's always hanging onto Sonic-#-explains SOOOOOOOOO much about her. At least that's my headcanon for WHY that is.#Amy with abandonment issues speaks to me on a personal level. I'm always afraid of being forgotten or left behind by my family.#I sometimes feel like I'm not good enough no matter how hard I try. I do not blame Amy. I relate to her a lot. It's one of the many reasons#-why Amy is my favorite character besides Sonic and Shadow.#She fights hard to prove she's a valuable member of the team and hates getting left behind but despite all that she wasn't afraid to-#-express herself and her love for people. But after the Eggman War there was some changes that made her less expressive about her love.#Yeah she still loves Sonic but she doesn't admit it because none of that matters anymore and she thought that not being loved by Sonic#-is better than being loved since she nearly wasted her life loving someone who she thought has constantly bothered. 🥲#But I think after TMoStH I think she'll be less afraid of being expressive about it. She and Sonic are just so caring for each other 😭#I love these two way too much that when I think about them for too long I'll start SOBBING 😭😭 I'M EVEN SOBBING RIGHT NOW LMAO
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i think i spike a fever as soon as i think about chrisker in any capacity
#chrisker#resident evil#they're just!!!!!!!#the way STARS era chrisker could have been so in love.....so domestic.....the way they would have leveled each other out#chris the golden retriever and wesker the black cat#the way that regardless of if they were platonic or romantic in RE1 the betrayal is nearly unfathomable#that's his captain.....that's his point man#the way wesker COULD have killed him back then and didn't....the way chris COULD have killed him back then and didn't.....#the way part of chris died in the volcano with wesker. the way he saved jill and the world and still couldn't feel whole#the way he can't let go of wesker and the way wesker couldn't let go of chris#im having a heart attack over them constantly. they make me go criminally insane#im not joking. out of all the OTPs i have ever had chrisker literally makes me unable to breathe bc of the constant push and pull#“i love you and i hate you with all that i am”#“i want you dead and i want you to be safe”#“i want you to leave me alone and i want you to never go away”#“you saw me from beginning to end of my story and i can't stand you in either”#im just. AAAAAAAAA!!!#AAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!#RAAAHHHH!!!!#joey jabbers
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A momentary apology to everyone who followed me thinking I was a cute magical girl and occasional Alice in Wonderland blog.
#stella talks#.you have to understand........#.garashir hits every shipping button I've got and then some#.it's like it was tailor made for my tastes in ways i didn't know were possible.#.i went almost a week without sleeping when i started ds9 because it hit me so hard.#.garashir was so compelling to me it shook me into a manic episode for over a MONTH.#.i am literally only just starting to come down from that.#.it did something to my brain chemistry okay.#.also some chance this is related to one of my closest friends dying and fixating so hard on a ship is a coping thing.#.idk might be unrelated though who could say!!! >_>;;;;;#.the manic episode started before she died though so.#.i think it is being drawn out because i can't handle my feelings on magical girl stuff right now because it make me think of her.#.so ds9 is a nice safe outlet for me while i try to come to terms with everything.#... she'd have loved my starfleet magical girl au tho. pain. ):
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I need to know if anyone else understands the feeling of wanting to spend the rest of your life with someone in ways that Sound very romantic but you aren't into them like that. Fantasizing about living with them. Cooking dinner together every night and watching movies, laying together in silence just because one of you is lonely and wanted comfort. If you have to leave the house before they wake up, you'll make yourself breakfast and leave a plate for them in the fridge. When one of you is sick, the other makes soup and brings them their medicine whenever they need it. Getting home late knowing there will be a warm meal waiting for you, and doing the same for them. But you're not attracted to them, and you know you never will be, but you still want that kind of life with them
#I've felt this way towards a lot of people#And some of it was just like#The classic children on the internet planning how they're gonna move in together when they're older#And it fizzles out once you grow up and live your own lives#But man I've been thinking about it so much lately#I think it's always stemmed from like. Wanting a place where I feel free and safe 100% of the time#Which isnt to say I'm not safe in my current home because I am /gen#But i want a place where I don't have to hide my snacks because someone will eat them without asking and won't apologize#I want a place where I know nobody's gonna make a comment about how much i eat#Or how I look or how I dress#I want somewhere where I can have space to myself but also not fully be alone#And I don't have a partner and I don't know if I'll have one for a long time#So these feelings just end up falling on my closest friends who I trust and would feel completely safe with#Me and my trio used to joke that if we ever move in together we're making a mashed potato volcano with dinosaur nuggets for dinner on the#first night#Id still take them up on that offer#None of this is happening for a long time cause I'm also just nowhere near ready to move out#There's a lot here I would have to leave behind#But man even if it's just for a year. I want that joy of sharing a space with someone i love and trust with my life#peg speaks
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It's missing my father hours rn so imma just dump a bunch of pictures here and cry
( sorry i don't know the source of anything I just had them on my phone)
(also dont read the tags i just need to let it out lol)
#I just realized I can call him dad easier than my real dad and now I understand why am I so damn attached to him#I always knew he was a parental figure for me#but now I connected the dots#How when u have an absent dad and a d34d mom a guy shows up in ur life#that tells u life advice that both of ur parents failed to do so#and makes u feel safe the first time in ur life#ofc ud become attached#i know for sure its unhealthy how much i love and miss him#he occupies most of my thoughts honestly#But how could i not cling to him so much when he was the only one who gave me hope in life#i try to keep going and even tho he is not here i keep telling myself whatever he taught me. i keep reminding myself he wants us to live an#bloom and be free#and that's what ill try to do#but you know somedays i wish i could just disappear and be wrapped in eternal happiness#its so fucking hard to pull yourself out of the slump man im so fucking tired im so so tired#somedays i wish id have the courage to off myself but i know that deep down i want to live and ive always wanted to live but i have no idea#how to live. i feel like i finally found a purpose and someone i love. but at the same time im always doubting myself and im scared of losi#g this little hope again and i know i should cherish and use it instead but each day i have this anxiety because rn i have nothing else if#lose this i seriously will lose everything atp. but ill still try bc rn its this or death so i should try im just damn tired yes anyways#sorry for being depressing some days just dont work out but thats okay#yes at the same time i want to get out of my head and try to find some friends but i cant deny that im highkey fucked up and i just cant le#go of my past and i still feel like that helpless unloved kid and idk how to form relationships this way. i dont trust myself at all so idk#how to trust others. and i feel like in order to find ppl that would love me i have to overshare abt my whole lifestory bc it still dictate#my life heavily. and since i met this band its better cuz im learning to deal w it and i want to heal from everything but yes at the same t#me who would wqnt to be friends w. someone that has like a year of life experience and 18 years of depression lol#so yes its complicated. bc i have friends but im like the funny friend. the one that is as shallow as puddle and has no problems but honest#y im genuinely sufferint qnd have been sufferinz all my life so i want to come out of my funny friend role. but that wojld mean i have to t#ll the shit i went through to all my friends but tbh it would be so random so ye. i do have a plan though. how it could work. But yes im ti#ed have been tired for 7 years now. But this time around i hope i can successfully get out of this torture cycle lol.#ok sorry this is what happens after puberty guys i could beva research case for a damn mental institute atp xdd
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You can pry girl dad Mark Winters out of my cold dead hands.
#Okay hear me out he was one and he would be still if whatever happened to mama winters didn’t happen they were a super close family he was a#girl dad and then tragedy. And things were difficult for him and then obviously he became a villain. So he and Ashe are more distant now an#their relationship is more strained but at the end of the day he loves Ashe so much and would do anything for her as long as she got to be#safe and happy. He’s a villain but he’s letting her hang out with the prime defenders because he knows they’re good for her! He became a#villain so he’d be able to support her. He loves her so much and he has an odd way of showing it but I’ve seen just how much this character#loves his child so much despite it all he’s not perfect no one is but he does everything he does so Ashe will be safe and secure and once a#girl dad always a girl dad he loves his trans daughter very much and he’s always supported her and he’s still a girl dad no matter what#I just have so many feelings about Mark Wavelength#I take back the thing I said about them saving bino instead of wavelength back I take it back so hard oh my god#jrwi#jrwi prime defenders#mark winters#wavelength#I JUST READ A FIC AND HE WAS SUCH A SHITTY DAD IN IT HES NOT HES A GIRL DAD WHO LOVES HIS DAUGHTER SO MUCH#I’m a Mark Winters defender and will always be one from now on#Mark wavelength I’m only on episode fifteen don’t do something heinous that makes me eat my words please I believe in you
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#not to be a broken lil man on main#but I was on the phone with my dad for 30 minutes just now (that's a lot for a phone call with him) and like.... damn. yeah. i do have one#parent who's not horrible huh#we talked a lot about my plans for the future...... which I only now told him bcs scary and bcs........ I never ever during my 25 years of#being alive got the impression from my parents that something like this would be an acceptable career choice or something they'd support#and I mean. my [redacted] of a mother is the best example for how. not alright it is with her that I'm doing something that's not very...#traditional for this family#but anyways. my dad was absolutely fucking lovely#to the point that I get getting teary eyed and felt my throat closing up cause. huh. i guess in his own way he does love me and believe in#he asked me to send him a link or a pdf of my first conference report because he wants to keep it somewhere 😭😭😭😭😭😭#I'm....... ouch. ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch#you know the ghosting I am really good at with tumblr chats (sorry guys. ilu. I just suck at communication)???? i'm also extremely good at#that with whatsapp chats and just. not calling my irl loved ones#so idk. hearing him say he understands and just wanted to make sure I wasn't upset with him and like. wanted to know if I was doing okay.#damn. okay. damn#idk#this was such a good talk and he was so suppertive and non-judgemental and I actually told him about my birthday and how my mother's call#upset me and he was like. yeah. same. and like... he's basically gone no contact with her as well as it turns out#idk. I really should give him more credit and like... I feel like there's so much shifting and change and development happening while I'm n#not there and sometimes it's hard to remember that he actually /could/ understand some things. just cause I've always been so used to not#sharing anything about myself because it wasn't safe when I was younger and... idk........ lots of emotions going on rn#so glad we talked though. so glad#simon.out.#if you read all this.... idk man.... sorry for oversharing but thanks for caring ig <3
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On the train zooming! Might as well have wore a scuba suit with the weather though, going to go charity shop hunting for a cute waterproof trench coat so with me luck!
#Soo technically I didn't wake up till 9pm yesterday so the lack of sleep isn't a huge issue buttt I may have drank a bottle of wine#😶#technically with me sleep being flipped it isn't bad right?#tispy pup on an adventure!#imma be so sociable in the shops which is so off for me 😅😂#my dad would be proud#(my dad's an alcoholic)#is a joke#you can laugh#dark humour ahahaha#sort of grump i hid back in myself when i wasnt single#now i feel like i can post silly stuff again#what the heck brain#he did indicate he was a lil controlling (a reason i yeeted out of there) but he didnt outright say i couldn't post stuff#pup brain in a scramble egg#may haps have a lil drinky drinky with me in a bottle#im a big kid#im safe#a lil reckless behaviour is fine right?#i say out of all the things i could be doing to cope this is pretty tame right#ooo pups really going off showing that mental health side huh?#ahahah#im so normal and definitely not the problem#also yes he was the abysmal dicking but no that isnt way i yeeted myself out of there#well the lack of noticing i wasnt enjoying it/begging me to give consent again sort of was but shhhhhh#if you read all this i understand if you decide to unfollow 😂#also why do i feel more me in genral again#like i love being called they/them but he only ever called me she even after i talked about why i like they#sort of shitty he did but why did i just accept it and forget how comfy they them makes me#she is fine too but i pup not just a she
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I feel like out of all the layers of secrets and concealment Klein hides, the people that would probably be shocked the most if those secrets ever comes to light would be the Moretti siblings.
Imagine you have a brother. Brother was going to go find a typical 9-5 job, but then he suddenly “finds a better job” and boom all your livelihoods improve ‘cause of his earnings. He also starts to cook really well, but you chalk it down to him learning from his friend’s chef. Then one day, he dies on duty. You mourn for him and miss him desperately. You move to a bigger city and occasionally feel like he’s still around, but all you ever see are the new names popping up in the newspaper, such as Gehrman Sparrow, while you focus and continue on your life.
Then, somehow, years into the future, you find out he’s not dead. His grave is literally empty. Not only that, he’s also the great detective of the capital of your literal country, the crazy adventurer feared by pirates, the tycoon who was generous but mysterious and reserved, and a wandering magician granting wishes. Also, he’s a GOD. GOD. OF. A. LITERAL. CHURCH. Then you find out that HE’S NOT EVEN YOUR BROTHER. The brother you grew up with is long dead. It’s a stranger who has been and assimilated into his body and mind since the day your brother died. Oh yeah, that friend he said was the reason he’s a good cook? That friend has been dead even before your “brother”. And you swore you knew him well. He was a history student trying to get a good job for the future. What in the Evernight Goddess’ divine kingdom happened? Oh, yeah, speaking of Evernight, your “brother” is “Her” blessed. By the way, he still hasn’t gone to the theatre with you like he promised.
I don’t know how Melissa managed to find out The Fool = Klein (maybe some angel told her in a dream or Klein directly told her idk) but I can’t even comprehend how she managed to process that information. Like imagine waking up one day and finding out a close relative of yours presumed dead is now a deity. It’s definitely not an average Tuesday afternoon thing.
#lord of the mysteries#lotm#lotm with their secrets makes me crack up or sit in awe every time one gets exposed#This is why I love hall of truth lmao#Moretti siblings makes me feel pain#augh my heart#why#just go to the goddamn theatre with them Klein it’s not that hard#No you cannot be on stage sit in the fucking audience and be a spectator#You can’t say some poetic shi like “oh but the world is a stage so I’m already at the theatre with them” NO. WATCH A PLAY WITH THEM.#Moretti siblings ACTUAL PHYSICAL REUNION WHEN#Idk how Klein will safely interact with them again but please find a way graft something idk dnhdsjksjsijs#I understand why rereaders appreciate Vol 1 now#lotm spoilers
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on the one hand I think inner demons could stand to have a bit more romanced rook specific content, but on the other hand the underlying in-built implication that 'yours is the one true voice of comfort and safety in my inner world' is a sentiment and intimacy so way beyond the romantic or the platonic or any secret third thing you could care to name that it makes me lose my entire poor little mind a bit. it's so big and fundamental — near-existential — that in that exact moment at least the distinctions kind of seem irrelevant.
all the people lucanis' mind conjures up along the way are relationships he has that are unavoidably mixed and fraught in some ways even when they're also full of love (they are fraught BECAUSE they're full of love) — the good in them inseparable from things that hurt him at the same time. (it's about: the basic disorganized attachment patterns this poor guy is dragging around with him. careful with those, they're dellamorte heirlooms. what you love also inevitably hurts you and you won't be allowed to have one without the other, you have to surrender parts of your soul to hold on to what little you have left: this is the story up until now.) and the idea that rook isn't that to him — that beneath the fear of wanting them when romanced (which is more its own separate thing because within this psychology, actively wanting something and not just clinging on for dear life to even a meager status quo lest you lose it is in itself dangerous bordering on catastrophic), this is a relationship where there isn't resentment, or guilt, or shame, or dread, or rage, or self-hate, or any of the other emotions that keep him paralyzed, unable to move this way or that. no debts, nothing owed of yourself and your soul's substance except what you can freely and safely and happily give. love and freedom don't coexist — but, I mean, you're almost starting to make me think........... unless...👀👀👀. the unconditional and undramatic 'you are here and I am here with you, you can be exactly how you are right now with me and it's safe for us both even though you're afraid it won't be, I'm not going anywhere' acceptance rook shows him here that he returns to them in the big romance scene, when it's rook who needs it. the way he's just. standing there in the center of it all, like a child desperately helplessly waiting to be found, hiding in the place he hopes you'll know to look first. (rook does know. it's one of the first things they say in there.)
in short the most important room in his little mind palace for the romance is the very first room — the one where rook isn't. where, in fact, rook cannot be, because they disprove the entire structure of the place with their existence and presence in his life. with everyone else he's putting words in their mouths about what they think of him, and rook is the one who actually gets to come in to speak their own words to him — and have him listen. ('he'll listen to you, he always listens to you', 'your voice is a comfort'.) of course rook isn't present anywhere else in there — at the risk of stating the obvious to a tedious degree, they aren't one of the locks, they're bringing the key. in the very finest 'the messenger and the message' sort of way.
#dragon age#dragon age: the veilguard#dragon age: the veilguard spoilers#dragon age spoilers#lucanis dellamorte#rook x lucanis#rookanis#dragon age meta#rook is his first brush with actual safe attachment. and to me and because of who I am as a person#nothing could be more romantically devastating or impactful fhdsjkfhs that's literally the unreachable wistful dream the pie in the sky#the garrus romance echoes too. some of the same stuff going on under the hood here#you know who else he's sneakily like too actually? iron bull. the 'no matter where I turn I'll hurt someone I love' and dissociation stuff#there's that whole line about 'walking close to the edge or whatever'#which is masterful as a diversion b/c what this romance is really about is feeling truly safe with someone#in a sort of weirdly realistic way that makes it struggle with the conventions of video game romance but sure is Doing something!#and I unwittingly made a rook who also is on that specific arc so it's working out just devastating for me thanks for asking#the part in andrea gibson's 'prism' that's like. there is no shelter in the womb it's where you learn the cord that feeds you#could at any moment wrap around your neck. I think that's the initial understanding of love here. which is not good. if you think about it.#I don't think I really write these kinds of posts btw I just black out for a while and when I wake up from the trance I too#get to read what the fuck I've been thinking about finally. corralling that raging electric storm#that keeps overtaking my neurons at regular intervals and translating it into if not sense then certainly words. lots of words#no one is ever more surprised than me to find out what i'm thinking and feeling
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cmonnnn at xander in the s2 angelus arc trying to claim some sort of high ground with his "I've been distrustful of angel the whole time and the rest of you are just getting to the party" as if a) we haven't already established that angel and angelus are effectively two different people and b) that xander had any suspicions or criticisms or negative feelings toward angel that weren't all ultimately rooted in jealousy
#the bit in... I think it's passion? where xander is like. I think it's really big of me not to have said 'I told you so' about him#which is such a fucking wild thing to say to buffy when she's still grieving over losing angel. still feeling responsible for what happened#now also carrying jenny's death. has just resolved to kill angelus (thereby removing any possibility of angel's return)#and when absolutely all evidence of her relationship with angel pointed toward angel genuinely respecting loving and caring for her#truly cmon. cmon! like I get xander meeting buffy and immediately developing a crush on her. literally who wouldn't#but after you've established that she does not feel the same way in return and is only interested in being friends#to then not make Any effort to have xander get over her. to have him continue carrying this torch even while dating cordelia#who wanted that! what was it serving!! it's so consistently frustrating and for what#buffy the vampire slayer#anti xander harris (I guess to be safe)
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I need to be so clear with my tumblr algorithm right now.
Liking daryl ≠ being attracted to him personally
Liking daryl ≠ finding norman reedus attractive or caring about him at all beyond the fact that he plays daryl
Please oh my god please make the nr thirst and daryl x reader smut stop
And replace it with melissa mcbride please please please I'm on my hands and knees please
#why does twitter get it and tumblr doesnt???#this is meant to be the gay website not twitter what the fuck is going on#ofc referring to real daryl not spinoff daryl idk that guy#adding a note to say that I do find daryl attractive but in more of a 'omg I love him what a cute creature so cute cute cute but omg what#are you doing with that grenade wow I love him I trust him he makes me feel safe and carol makes him better I want them to be happy togethe#sort of way#daryl was my fave fave fave but specifically his character is the attractive part not the actor who plays him and whose other roles seem to#be so very very different#also his voice is a crucial part of it
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