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fortheheavenssake · 4 years ago

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MM ANON II - 1

April 15, 2020

1. April 15

MM ANON …… doctor gone batty……… LA for dummies ……… Doctors Within Borders ……… social insistence ………… hugs not bugs……… absolutely isolated Kate. ……… “ not a whisper ma’am ……… St George’s chapel of course!!…………… with humility skippy, with humility.

Mm anon verified

MM ANON … to forgive Devine. To accept ones shortcomings is a hard pill to swallow especially if like myself your behaviour Is mired in self justification and blind contempt … it’s taken me a long time to ask forgiveness ……… and pride is a killer of the spiritual light. To those who can find forgiveness on their heart I thank them, humbly and sincerely. ……… MM ANON

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3. April 30

MM ANON ……… the only virus ………… wonderful children to hug…… magnificent isolation ma’am……… dirty Megan,clean Harry ……… will never be the same ………… big things for a future princess ……… home cooking ………… “ ground control to major Tom” ………. “ and wash your bloody hands!!!……… an archificial birthday ………… trooping the colours???

Thank you! Happy to have you back!😊❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

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4. April 30

MM Anon

MM ANON …… Many thanks skippy ……… a privilege to return to you all ……… graciously thankful to pg , skippy and all anons. Callidus er populum

Welcome back….😊💜💜💜💜💜💜💜

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5. May 1.

MM ANON … it’ll cost us thousands …… “ ‘‘tis the times’ plague , when madmen led the blind “……… 🎼 all the clubs have been closed down 🎼………… “ if you both don’t stop fighting I’ll send you to Madagascar “ ………… “ one makes ones bed”…………… “ well wash your bloody hands AGAIN!!”…………… “ there so funny on screen Philip” …… Quo victuals est super eam et irrumabo …………… next slide please.

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6. May 2.

MM ANON ……… bless all who come here……… stay safe ……… not sneezing season ……… birthday girls world following ……… sitting on the toilet screaming and howling ……… Plasma fantazma?……… 🎼give a little bit 🎼……… “ I swear ,I’ll send you to bloody Madagascar “……… “another top up sir”………” leave the poor man be Philip “……… “no ma’am not yet” ……… Wilfred!!!!!………… “ Bloody Wilfred!!”……… conspirators will spread another sort of virus.

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7. May 3

MM ANON ………Lucrezia Markle……… For her own well-being … she’s kicking and sedated ……… safety net for Harry ……… a very private LOCK-down ………” GATEWAY“intervention …… “NHS Catherine , Sterling work darling “ …………” yes ,I love Frozen 2” ………… PTA……… “ your experience would be valued ma’am”……… “ I myself am best when least in company “……… absque misericordia

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8. May 4

MM ANON …… granny flap…… delusions of gran-tour…… “ aye, some wantid er’ but Walt dis-ney “…… a p****hub offer worth millions …… a secret return …… Lottie leaded Cambridge assault ……… “ a very prominent speech for VE DAY ma’am”. …… unlocking the unlock able ………… 🎼day by day…🎼………… pause ,pray, proceed. …… optimistic optimism???

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9. May 5

MM ANON …… Thank Dear anon for interpretation …… and yes if you’re struggling dear pg … prayers and hugs

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10. May 5

MM ANON ……… “ hi Kate , how wonderful to hear your voice “😂😂😂………… Archificialy archificial. ……… 🎼but sometimes,ya get what ya need🎼……… “ if you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue “……… a Duchess,a Duchess and a Duchess walked onto a bar……… tunc non transiet ……… an infectious tube……… my my margarita ……… let go let god. ……… ( and Thank skippy).

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11. May 6

MM ANON ………… archificial anniversary ……… “she hasn’t a bloody clue “ ………I speak for Meghan ……… 🎼he’s a real nowhere man🎼……… “ the fool doth think he is wise…… “………… 🎼come fly with me (not)🎼……… A few weeks more …………” we do the outside first Philip” ……… Bloody jigsaw………” Sydney!!!!! “……… “ Mmmmm , interesting, a virtual Balcony “ …………… “ yes , a new medal is appropriate” ………… unlockdown!!! ………… “ give us a hug”.

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12. May 6

MM ANON ……… Sooooooo , where is Harry in the duck / rabbit video????????????????? An archificial attempt to ingratiate herself as a mother of a surrogate child. She looks a tad sheepish 🐏🐏🐏🐏🐏🐏🐑🐑🐑🐑🐑🐑. 😂😂😂😂

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13. May 7

MM ANON … Spider Sandwiches ………… the photographic phenomenon ………… “O Christ, she knows her way round a Cannon” ……… “ modest, small and incremental “ ……… “ she’s still spitting bullets over the duchesses children “ ……… “ my goodness, Charlotte trumps everyone”. ………… another modest outfit. ……… the books a flop, who would buy it? ……… “ dada duck duck”…………”ANOTHER sex tape!!!!! “…………… her irrelevant life………… desperately seeking ANYTHING………… a sad demise Rachael!!

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14. May 7

MM ANON …… dear and inquisitive anons ……… THE RIDDLES ARE “ ENTERTAINMENT “ only, a parody and lightness of spirit and soul! It’s a privilege to be here , by the grace of Skippy …………… enjoy!! 💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜

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15. VE Day 75, May 8

MM ANON …… My mother was a plotter at Northolt fighter base in 1943 where she met my father who was a pilot, I remember her saying that the Polish pilots were the bravest men she ever met. ………… we shall remember them 🇬🇧🇬🇧🇬🇧🇬🇧🇬🇧🇬🇧🇬🇧💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜🇬🇧🇬🇧🇬🇧🇬🇧🇬🇧🇬🇧

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16. May 8

MM ANON …… The Queen, god bless her……… blackout ……… the king/ the Queen the nation ……… never give up, never despair ……… the home front……… 🎼some sunny day 🎼………… 🇬🇧🇬🇧🇬🇧🇬🇧🇬🇧………… 🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸……… 🇨🇦🇨🇦🇨🇦……… and all who fought ……… a day like no other……… at the going down of the sun and in the morning ……………… ‘ we shall remember them.

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17. May 9

💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜MM ANON ……… Dear pg , your gracious tribute to the riddle. I Ended the post in tears ………………… respect.

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18. May 9

MM ANON …… “ it’s an unlock Jim, but not as we know it “……… on yer bike……… 🎼that’s life,……🎼………… Bar Wars………… survival of the fit-test……………”a vulgar mansion “…………… Spider sandwiches……… an emotional exhibition, Bravo!! ……… now that’s TRUE grit…………… be- bop-a-loo-la RIP……… The Serenity prayer……thank you for this forum xxxxx…………… it will end ,…one day!!

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19. May 10

MM ANON ……… Rachel 43………… archificial 15 months ……… hospitality will become inhospitable ………… the R factor ………… “Henry, don’t do that”. …… return to school??? …………… no guidelines …………… be alert,the country needs lerts………… risk assessment!!! ………… an issue of safety ………… it’s the economy,stupid!! ………… test, Trace and isolate. ………… a silver lining 🌈🌈

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20. May 11

MM ANON …… Thrive???………… definitely Malibu ………wear a mask ………… confusing but amusing ……… a question of credibility ……… 🎼 we can be heroes ……🎼…” what ever happened to wrinkle cream?”……… love and hugs to all our anon friends ……… 🎼 now there are three steps to heaven 🎼………… Brave New World ……… a quiet Queen.

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21. May 13

MM ANON …… for saving my mother ……… father ……… grandmother …… grandfather …son ……… sister……… brother……… daughter ………… thank you for saving my life nurse / doctor /……… how can I EVER thank you all ……… from the bottom of my ❣ ……… I can never find the words ……… my gratitude is unending ……… god bless you all. ……… GOD BLESS YOU ALL!! 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻

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22. May 13

MM ANON ……… “come on Kate, off to Queens”……… Charlotte goes first……… “George ‘ get your bicycle “……… 🎼bye bye miss American spy🎼……… 🎼listen , do you want to know a secret 🎼……… stay alert 🤣🤣🤣……… trains, planes and automobiles……… driving miss day-see? ……… FOUR!!!! …………… an art gallery,when??……… single prayers please.

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23. May 13.

MM ANON …………… to all who visit ………… riddles are entertainment only … a parody ,a light and fluffy expression. 🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂Thank you all for understanding.

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24. May 14

MM ANON …… school of thought ……… bulldoze in and takeover ……… Braveheart & Boris ………… dead theatre ……… GOT………… Charlotte summer ……… anticipation of antibodies ………… China???………… death of Hollywood ………… 🎼blow a little whistle 🎼………… we have no plan B……… I’m so bored ………… “ we’re gonna need a bigger fence”

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25. May 15

MM ANON ……… a lovely surprise ……… sweet Charlotte ……… it’s teaching Jim, ……………”Harry, you know you’ll always have a place “……………”he’s not happy Catherine “ ……… R1………… re-train………… clubbings, clubbed…… Tea-CHING…………… “ yes, that’s a really good question”…………2 metres for ever???………… a rally in Calais. ………… GBHMTQAOGC 🇬🇧🌈🇨🇦

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26. May 16

MM ANON …… “ I’m keeping my tennis shoes on”……… “I’m not getting out of bed for less than 3mill” …… cold nose undercover ………… a learning yearning ………… “friends thou hast, and there adoption tried “…… …… 🎼ya gotta give a little 🎼……………… “I’m not happy about them returning William “ …………… “ One needs ones hair attended too”………… “ I’ll bloody cut it myself !!”……… “ I know!! … SYDNEY!!”

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27. May 17

MM ANON …… a Diamond evaluator ……… Of no consequence whatsoever ……… straight to credits. ………… LA Confidential ………… 🎼no sir I don’t mean maybe 🎼…………… 🎼Don’t fence me in🎼…………… “ I want Adele you a story “……………… The man from U.N.C.L.E. Harry …………… “ ones lockdown sucks” ………… “ miserable without Boddys old thing “ …………… “Sydney’s slacking “.

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28. May 18

MM ANON ……… a personal loss………… the Dynamic Duo………… FPhishing……Nlcola Nike Snike ………… Hydroxy- foxy(do not do this at home)…………………” a suitable case for ( shhhhh) treatment “ ………… “ no comment “ …………… “ a game of cards old thing “…………… “patience Philip ……………” ………… ma’am , it’s Charlotte and George on tic-toc…………… “dance, gan, gan, you dance, … Sydney!!

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29. May 19

MM ANON …… Ana-adversity …… the gathering marital storm…………” first family visit will be the United States when normalisation hits ma’am” …………”life will return ma’am”……… Who is that? …………… guesting the testing ……… “ they won’t return early ma’am”…………… “one speaks to Catherine,daily , and the little ones” ……… “it’s interminable Sydney,” …” a Little top-up sir”

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30. May 20

MM ANON … Regarding the gathering of unhappy people, slutmeg only invited the men she had slept with , with their +ones ……… the members of the RF who attended treating it as a pantomime and a priceless observation of side- eyes and laughter. HMTQ look at slutmeg… EPIC. 😂😂😂😂😂😱😱😱😱😱

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31. May 20

MM ANON ……… 5 years old ‘ COVID security ……… transmission admission??……… 1st. June. …………… A pollution solution ………… free at last……… kiss 💋 me 😱😱😱………… another Father???…………… Spanish,French and judo 😂😂😂…………… lies,damm lies, and MM……… an expensive squat………… A Greece-y gamble. ………… “ is one sitting comfortably’ good, Once apon a time “

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32. May 21

MM ANON …… “what , seen at Lympstone “………… a Diplomatic retreat ……… A-Nul-ment………… NY bio-diver-city……… facegrime ………… Charles, a man for all see-sons……… thermal Heathrow ………… 1st Solo address ………… high-end-ing ………… “ clever children, such a lovely dance”……… “ no darlings gan-pops with Sydney “………… “ yes’ we’ll all bake a cake “………… “ pretty Jim-jams Charlotte “.

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33. May 22

MM ANON …… 88 two fat ladies ……… two blacked out Discovery’s in St Leonard’s ……… Priti Draconian …… pray,or else!! ………… gel my temperature ……… wash your hands then wrinkle cream ……… a memorial event ………… Hong-Gone…………” well, wake him up Sydney!!………… “bloody hell Sydney “ ………… “ sorry ma’am , Charlotte wants to play bingo”……… “ wonderful , clickerty duck”

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34. May 23

MM ANON …… 44 million? ………… anons’ how much on clothes?………… “still looked trash”………… evidences of past yachting 😱😱😱😱😱………… LA EX?? ………… “ in Exeter”…………… “ Josh Stones!!“………… a second peak? ……………not in Spain 🥳🥳🥳………… meanwhile in WC. ……… “ gan gan I want a tiara “ ………… “ and one day you shall “ ……… “ is nanny back Catherine?”……… “where’s my bloody slippers “ ……” your wearing them sir”

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35. May 23

ANON … As we all submit our little posts give a thought for the reason we can , it’s the ever faithful skippy and her eclectic forum ……… love, prayers, animals, history, royalty, and silliness ……… god bless you dear skippy 💜💜💜💜💜🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜

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36. May 24

MM ANON …… Cummings going?………Lottie nottie going ……… Harry’s 💡 idea……… “give birth? Incapable!! ……… “during yachting “………… “ I’ve seen the evidence “ ………… “ she lied to TBRF” ……… MOS knows!! …… 🎼we’re all going on a summer 🎼………… to pray or not pray………… “ Pleeeeez gan gan!! “……… “ one day you shall sweet girl” ……… “ next year , if things are admissible “ ……… “ he’s a tad grumpy ma’am”……… “ ignore him Sydney”

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37. May 25

MM ANON …… Charlottes WWWeb……… Rules, What Rules. ……… in flight,flight. ………… Tinsel down……… hugs not bugs ………… non essential retailers open ………… no pubs, sport , cinemas, theatres, …………… Cummings,a shaggy dog story. ……… a very angry electorate ………… “ I want to go school gan gan”………“let’s see your dancing “………”no, school gan gan!!……… “ Oooooo, whats mummy doing “ ………… “ Sydney, refreshments ‘please.

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38. May 25

MM ANON …… MEMORIAL DAY …IN HONOUR OF THEIR SERVICE ……………… 🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸🇨🇦🇨🇦🇨🇦🇨🇦🇬🇧

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39. May 26

MM ANON …… Kate re-opening high street……… “excellent, as retail ambassador “……… W&K will have the public’s ear” …………”a late family tour ma’am’……… “ that’ll put a a Kate among the pidgins” …… “ a damaging tome sir “……… “ opening book shops, how’ll that work?……… “you can’t handle books……… “ o’ Philip, a quiet night”…… “ bloody hell !! What’ no tic-toc ?……… “nanny’s organised bingo”:…… “ ahhh, ……… Sydney ‘ something strong!!

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40. May 27

MM ANON …… KATE MIDDLETON IS A FUTURE QUEEN! She has three beautiful children and a loving husband, solid, grounded and intelligent. THIS IS THE FUTURE OF OUR MONARCHY ,I THINK SHE HAS MORE SPIRITUAL STRENGTH. AND WILL BE THE FOUNDATION OF THE CAMBRIDGE FUTURE. GBHMTQAOGC 🇬🇧🇬🇧🇬🇧🇬🇧🇬🇧

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41. May 27

MM ANON ………”I get tired of Lottie tic-toc-ing” ………… “little Louis gets tired using the trampoline “……… “ I’m off to Queens,tennis “……… back on his Ducati……… Nanny is making 🥘 paella ………… “I’ve managed to acquire that box set ma’am” …… “ Gangs of London or The Sopranos“……… both ma’am”……… “bloody epic Sydney “……… “ is that bumbling Minister still running round the palace “……… “ tell him to piss-orf”……… “ top-ups”

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42. May 28

MM ANON …… MM drone ing on…… tittle Tatler ……… lockdown tour T-shirt ………… ahhhhhhh, rate!! ……… school digital haves’ digital have nots……… rid the clap!! ………… one metre ………… “ it’s football Jim, but not as we know it “………… “To his good friends, thus wide lle ope my Armes: ……… “ look Philip,it’s Louis bouncing “ ……… “they have a new dance”……… “ return of a routine“…………” Maria and Lottie swimming “ …… “bloody hydrotherapy on Sunday “……… “ I think that’s enough Sydney “

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43. May 29

MM ANON ……… looting/ shooting ………… “ tic-toc Nanny”………… “ ok! Charlotte, get Louis too” ……… “ George,do it properly “……… W&K , It’s a challenging schedule ma’am” …………” there having a bike day at Brands Hatch with Ducati “ ……… “ Nottingham cottage ma’am”………… “like old times ma’ am”……………” I’ll have a quiet word with Donald “………… “ not Philip, his diplomacy is wanting”………… “exiting times ma’am”……… “ one shall insist on compliance Christopher “

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44. May 30

MM ANON …………… another billionaire friend ………… she lies on lies…………desperate for attention ……… a roadmap to nowhere ……… up up and away ……… all white on the night …………LTA talks with Kate ………… MENSA with Charlotte??………… “ bright as a button ma’am”. …… “ not this side of the family “………” there coming over next week”………” Mmmmm , live tic-toc”……… fairycakes Sydney.

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45. May 31

MM ANON …… it Musk be love ……… nine elms………… agent provocateur ………… teetering on the edge………… body cams?? ………… amateur photographers unite ………… front line statue ……… 🎼I heard it on the grapevine 🎼………… “ no darling not today”……” we’re going to visit gan gan” …………”staying overnight ma’am” ………… “ a few days Sydney “………… “ tomorrow night, it’s a little concert Philip, don’t get grumpy “ ………… “bloody hell, I’m low on refreshments. “

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46. June 01

MM ANON … Balmoral Fern………… plastic Nile. ………… in the Bunker ………… Autopsy …………………Truth , Justice and the American way ………… WC welcome …………… “ would one know how to barbecue Sydney??” ………… William will oblige ma’am……”one prefers coronation chicken “…………… “unicorn sausages ,Lottie George??……… “just salad ma’am. “

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47. June 02

MM ANON ……… keep your distance ………” it’s a curfew Jim , but not as we know it “ …… “ A plague o’ both your houses “……… house today , gone tomorrow ………… “all lives matter “ …………… cut and roots and streaks ……… B&EC are reluctant to return ………… Minister misleads testing ……… office of national ridistics ……… 🎼I I see a bad moon rising 🎼………… blackout Tuesday ………… “ “wear a body-cam old thing, then I can pretend I’m riding “ …………… “one would look ridiculous Philip!!”……… “ Sydney, stop pouring “

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48. June 03

MM ANON …… 2020 another royal baby ………… development in Portugal ……… more charges eminent Minnesota ……… a wet summer ………… ISS a strange smell? ……… … London protests …………NAACP……… size 12 , and the shoes 👠 ……………” mummy , mummy- goes viral ………” we’ll old thing, I wasn’t expecting that ending “……… “ so enjoyable Philip ‘ anymore Sydney?……… “ I think Catherine has Peaky-Blinders ma’am” …… “ is it a bit GBH ? “ ……… “ yes ma’am”……… “Ohhhh goody”.

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49. June 04

MM ANON ……MM heartfelt acting……… W&K just heartfelt 💓………… the Tatler connection ………… 🎼stormy weather …………… 🎼………… MadDog…………2nd degree. X 4……………… 14 days to binge. ……… a Russian contamination …………vaccine summit ……… ”that’s a terrible selfie Philip, it’ll frighten her” ………” let Sydney do it!! “ ……… “take one together ma’am” ……… “ give me the bloody thing !! “ …… bloody tic-toc “ ………… “ one zooms” ……… “get him some refreshments Sydney”

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50. June 04

MM ANON …… “ Heartfelt video “ anything heartfelt in the life of MM is self indulgent. A selfish PR attempt to seem engaged in the national conciseness Her agenda …… “how can I make this about ME!!! “ this woman is so shallow. ………… a Caucasian of infinite insults. A pitifully example of insecurity and ego. A walking talking resentment. God help her!!

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51. June 5

MM ANON …… never look a gift bandwagon in the mouth…… everyone is crawling out the woodwork ……… “I’m covert 19 , fly me” ……… M&H on the March??? ………… over 40,000………… flight attendant/ ……… the dodgy R…………… mandatory masks ………… The Amazon too ??? ………… online celebrity … “ There here Philip “ …………” one has to distance darlings “ …… “ yes there lovely shoes” ……… “ look Philip, live tic-toc “………” it’s wonderful wonderful “ ………… “amazing, he’s shot up “ ………” shall we have a little refreshments?”

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52. June 6

MM ANON …… the battle of Whitehall ……… agent Provocateurs………new trading …… it’s a Sunday Jim ,but not as we know it ………… social distancing got wet……… antibodies have the answer ……… R is above 1 in the SWest Of England. 😱😱😱😱……… second spike😱😱😱………🎼when I was 65 ,it was a very good year 🎼………… “ look it’s mummies wedding “ ……… “it’s mummy gan gan” ……… “ yes , so pretty the coach “ ………” I want one “ ……… “ one day sweetie, one day” ………” will you come gan gan ? “ ………… “ I’ll try darling “.

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53. June 7

MM ANON …… I’d like to thank pg /LK and all the anons who attempt/ solve and interpretations of the riddles that skippy graciously lets me post 💜💜💜🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻💓💓💓🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿🇨🇦🇨🇦🇨🇦🇬🇧🇬🇧🇬🇧Many thanks to all those who partake.

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54. June 7

MM ANON ……who’s her next favourite millionaire ……… Malibu?? ……… NYC??……… another sad video cry for help ……… archificial ( firsts words) 🤣🤣🤣………… mad / bad & dangerous to know ……… “ it’s me, me film me!! ………… “ turn around!! “ ……… “ he’s not letting her agenda rule” ………” this is not up for debate “………… “yes ones looking forward to traveling up there “ ………” get in touch with the Gillie” …………… “ can one travel to ones other residence?…………… “ can’t find my bloody glasses, Sydney!!

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55. June 8

MM ANON ……D.O.J.……… A Stern retort. ………… the sept. Soothsayer ……… A 14 day suicide for the trade………… in court today ……… Beatrice tooo tu!! …………… wonderful Wessex……… more photos from Kate??? ……… no fuss birthday ………… “ shall one suggest a gathering of 8 .” ………” no, silly’ Balmoral?? ……… MM desperatum iri videbatur……

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56. June 9

MM ANON ……… everyone and their brother,brother ……… wow!! What a photo Kate!!…………… little Louis gets a surprise …………… a well rounded future of three( four) ……… A birthday tic-toc dance………… “ do Catherine , come and bring the children “………… “maybe a change of routine “………… “ Both of you are an example hope”……… “ yes George,I’ll see if we can get to a match”

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57. June 10

MM ANON … Gone……………everything is now B&W…………… “ but’ tomorrow is another day”………… “ but old thing, I look like bloody Bela Lugosi” ………… “ shutup Philip”……… “ just Take the bloody picture “.………”they’ve hardly ever been on a train William “………… “ yes , they’d be very excited 😜 “ ………… 🎼we’re all going to the zoo tomorrow 🎼…………… she lies for exposure……… yachting’ secret exposure !! …………… this time it’s explosive!! ………… “ great scoop Beth.”

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58. June 11.

MM ANON …… dib dib dib……… one metre before July …………care-ing monarch online ……… 🎼What picture,what a photograph 🎼………… DOC museum of photography ? ………. Columbus falls……… “ I shall insist it’s the best TTC old thing “ …………a trace race. ………… Sunday Balmoral?? ………… “ plenty of fresh air for them” ……… “ in the lodge” ……… “C&C can stay here” ……………” your good at this zoom lark old thing “…………… “Group Of eight, a dinner party

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59. June 12

MM ANON …… for the anon who thinks she has superior knowledge of the riddles and has a problem with the wonderful interpretations of LK and pg. ……… I suggest you join the other ignorant anons who pay us a fleeting visit ……………THEN DISAPPEAR!! Skippy, we’re the ones who love you 💜💜💜💜💜

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60. June 12

MM ANON …… my BFF , sacked……… mr President,welcome ……… on mental health ‘ goal……… “they’ll still turn up old thing “………… “ they won’t see anything Philip “ ……… Boris,incandescent!! ……… “🍕 Pizza night children “………… “ thecrown old thing “ ……… “ NO!!” ………… “ we haven’t finished peakyblinders” ……… “ bloody brummies” ……… “ PHILIP!!………… Sydney ‘ we’re out of your refreshment sir “ ………… WHAT!!

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61. June 13

MM ANON …HMTQ was social distancing ……… beautiful in blue……… “ amazing bloody parade “…… to Broach the subject …… “ you looked magnificent old thing”. ……… KHAN GET IT RIGHT …… a WEE disturbing …… hugs 🤗 not bugs……… the China syndrome ……… open market 😱😱😱………… won’t ring Beijing …………… “ Ahhh, Sydney, you refreshed the refreshments “ ………” ignore him Sydney “………… “ I found an old vidio TTC , 1975 Old thing, our favourite hits” ……… “ those were ones days” ………” we looked the mutts-nuts old thing

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62. June 14

MM ANON …… Adeleville……… Westfield?? ………… Charlottes delivery …………… 🎼grab the cash with both hands🎼………… another scam charity …………… she’s a race… ist ………… she publishes the book ………………… we will destroy her, we have the tapes…… “ no more Mrs, nice ma’am!! “ ………… “ ones gloves are orf Christopher ………… “ it was a very good year,old thing “.

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63. June 15.

MM ANON ……… Shetland lift-off……… LIZA with a ‘ don’t know em……………” it’s shopping Jim, but not as we show it……… “ matter of fact it’s all dark” …………… first jet easy ………… Brexit,old white guys drinking a lot. …………… a moment of reckoning ……… a virtual Wimbledon?? ………… Catherine to the rescue …… “ Ahhh , a relaxing night old thing “ …………… “Sydney’s provided a new box set” …… “Boardwalk Empire” ………“ bit violent old thing” ……… “ Epic Philip!!”…… “ones usual Sydney “………… “great!! No bloody tic toc.

——————

64. June 16

MM ANON …… “she Ascot nothing on me” ………… para-thanks William ……… PC , LOST weight??…………Oxford,Oxford ……… STIR-oid ………U-Turn dinner …………… falling tragedy ………… the Paris peasants are revolting ……… ……… “ we can still dress-up cabbage 🥬 “ ………… “Anne, my yellow ensemble”……… “Sydney ‘ a photo”………… “that’s a keeper, old thing” ……… “ here we go , tic-toc, the three of them” ………… “O, and Catherine!!” ………… “ ehhhh, And William “ ………… “ make it a double Sydney “…… “ how entertaining Philip “

——————

65. June 17

MM ANON … Goal no goal, offside!! …………red zone……… rear ended,whoops!! ………… saliva sample ………… another rally?? …………… a £ 900,000 paint job. ………… madam NYC incognito …………ZOOM to William ……… mutant outbreak confirmed ……………… NDA bombshell. …………joining the UN? …………… Chile lockdown ………”how many episodes old thing “ ………… “ yes , that Nucky chappie is a tad violent” ………… “ she’s meeting at Wimbledon “……………… “ Nanny’s taking them to the zoo”

—————-

66. June 18

MM ANON ……… “NEVER………… “ ………” mon dieu” …… 🎼some sunny day 🎼……… “ good to meet again Mr President “………air corridor ……… “ to be honest,he was an obnoxious old bastard” ……… world beating 🍒……… non app- licable …… “ Bolt-hole. ………… self interest ……… BOE- more money!! …………… pepper sprayed……… “ O Philip, it’s the last one “……… “Always Downton Abbey old thing”

——————

67. June 19

MM ANON …… HMTQ boost……… cup cakes in kings-him ………… Garden-send-her ……… September kids ………… hack Australia ………… Bei-ching ………… Charlotte & George together ………… no longer alert ?? ………… “ get packed Philip we’re orf soon” ………debt, what debt? ……… slave day………… ONS………… “ bubble bubble- toil and trouble” ……… 🎼teach your children well🎼………… “Sydney ‘ don’t forget my tigger PJs”……… 🎼swing low,sweet chariot 🎼………… “ Cabbage ‘ it’s tic-toc time”.

—————-

68. June 20

MM ANON ……… Hello!! ………… “ It’s a rally Jim , ……… viva espana ………… 🎼drink, drink, drink,🎼…………… black wall……… MM , another agenda!! ………… bollotics ………… “ Kate and William,the children are with nanny “ ………… “ Dover Sole and lemon parfait old thing “………… cream caramel,and Irish coffee Sydney!! ………… “September 9th ma’am. …… “ Stay over Catherine “

——————

69. June 21

MM ANON … give us a hug………… Duchess of Cambridge Royal collection ……… in the footsteps of lord Lichfield ………… EOS C700 Christmas present … … “ slow the testing down”…………Kung-flu…………… Size matters………… reopening NYC……… “ get ya hair 💇🏽‍♀️💇🏼‍♂️cut” …………… “ 🙋‍♂️🙋‍♀️🍺 “ ………… Rachel for president?? …………… archificial daddy day?? ……… spotted in St Johns Wood.

——————-

70. June 22

MM ANON ……… noose-car……… Ahhhh, Germany……… BOE-meltdown ………… free at last………… testing the TEST!! 🏏……… Terrorisk ………… ONE ,small step………”I think She’s turning Japanese”………… Saint Lennox …………… A rush of wind…………… “ well now you’re free to be reunited with the little monsters”……… “ bloody hell’ what a joy” ………… “ O Philip ‘ hugs 🤗 lots of hugs” ………… “ and live tic-toc , I can hardly wait “ ………” I’ll have to muster some liquid courage, Sydney!! “

——————

71. June 25

MM ANON ……”they seek him there” ……… your services are no longer required ……… street rumble ……… phwew, wot a scorcher………… we’ll fight them on the beaches ………… it’s sunburn Jim , but not as we know it ………… mutation sensation ……………🎼you’ll neeeeeeever walk alone🎼……………… sign on the million dotted line ………… take the TRASH out…………… “ a letter ma’am”.

—————-

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eyeslikefoxglove · 4 years ago

Text

Episode 21 - The PTSD is strong with this one & we need more braincells

Hello hello! Welcome to the commentary. How’s everyone? I’m frozen solid because it’s mid-June in Spain and yet we had 11°C yesterday. Fucking awesome!

I AM NOT WEARING MASCARA SO I CAN CRY ALL I WANT. I DONT KNOW IF THATS GOOD OR BAD THO.

Can I just take a second to appreciate how much this big strong powerful men emote? I mean, I know this isn’t western media where the tough guy can’t show emotions, and I don’t know that eastern media has the same hangups about men emoting but just... it’s so refreshing.

Huaisang bb you’re so sweet.

Oh, oh the PTSD is strong with this one.

Also, bless both JC and NHS, they absolutely noticed WWX flinch and, in their own ways, went and steamrolled over it so WWX wouldn’t feel scrutinised.

WE INTERRUPT THIS BROADCAST TO INFORM YALL THAT I GOT A KITTEN ON MY LAP. (She’s kneading my boob, which, ow, but...)

*BICHEN GRIIIIIIIP*

How do y’all think the guards go deliver bad news to WRH? Like do they paper-rock-scissor it? Draw straws?

NMJ did you have to?

And once again I wonder what would’ve happened if JFM had let sect leader Yao kick it.

Ughvhfnevus it’s this clown. Same as with Su She, if you see a bunch of screaming it’s just me not wanting to listen to Jin ZiXun.

The Nies: let’s throw a banquet to honour WWX’s return

Every asshole there: *gossips about WWX while in the room with him*

Once again I wish I could transmigrate (and speak mandarin lol) and just start delivering tongue lashings.

Listen, I have no idea how to play Guqin, but I did play the guitar for years and even from here I can see how much YiBo’s hands don’t match the melody. Nothing against him but why does this always happen? I know they got classes, so was the music not written by that time or something? Because one thing is not hitting the correct notes, another is plucking slow notes when the tempo is much faster.

JC: Since yours and LWJ’s unhappy separation...

My dumbass: do you mean breakup? *eyebrow waggle*

You will pry my “JC knows his brother is pinning after LWJ, he probably doesn’t want to know anything else” hc out of my cold dead hands thankyouverymuch.

WWX: *spouts a bunch of misdirection to avoid giving JC a straight answer*

JC: Bull-fucking-shit.

Should I count how many times WWX PTSDs all over the place or would you like me to leave your hearts intact? That’s two so far.

Ok ok, I feel that, if someone with a bit less trauma and a bit of insight (NHS maybe?) had seen the bit where ChenQing fucking hurts Shijie thing would’ve gone differently. I mean, yes, LWJ keeps warning WWX that this shit is gonna fuck him up, but as I said in my previous commentary LWJ also has the communication skills of a hermit crab so that wouldn’t work, and JC would be too wound up and WWX too busy trying to conceal his lack of golden core for that conversation to go anywhere. But if someone who WWX knows is a good egg (I’m not gonna say trusts bc paranoia) had sat him down and told him “your new instrument that you use for your new form of cultivation just hurt the person you love most please be careful when you use it.” I think it would’ve worked wonders towards his health overall.

I know Shijie says it’s like Zidian, but she’s not working with the fact that this thing is made for and by the Dark Side of the Force and I’m sorry but I can’t help but see ChenQing as a bit of a horrocrux almost. Or like, if you like me think the Burial Mounds is an Entity, something that’s a bit more sentient that it lets on.

Speaking of reputations and NHS being a good egg, I have oh-so-many ideas (I won’t say plot bunnies because I can’t write for shit) in which NHS for Reasons (time-travel? Letter from the future? His massive brain?) realises just how much damage WWX is doing to his public image. And he might be a sheltered dandy, but he saw what being the son of a sex worker did to Meng Yao despite how hard he worked (I’m assuming he doesn’t know about the whole betrayal business). This is way fucking worse, like hell is he going to let one of his best friends paint a target on his back. So he pulls back his sleeves, engages his slytherin brain and proceeds to lay down a plan to throughly destroy WWX’s reputation as a powerful genius.

I’m guessing LWJ and JC protest, and maybe WWX, and NHS just hits them with “do you want him respected or alive?” And they shut tf up. He glues himself to WWX, and brings up as many instances in which their behaviour can be compared as he can (we got drunk and punished at cloud recesses, we slept in class, we skipped to go fishing, I don’t carry my sword either). And, because assholes be assholes, people like Sect Leader Yao or Clown Cousin are quick to start spouting their own derogatory bullshit and thus WWX the untamed powerful prodigy dies a fiery death. Now he’s just a mouthy kid with a quick mind that “does tricks instead of battle” (I’ll never get bored of using that Thor quote). I also like to think that people who personally know WWX and are not pieces of shit go give NHS a tongue lashing for messing with what they thought was his friend, NHS takes that as a test of good eggness and bring them into the plan. Soon the whole Cloud Recesses class is swearing up, down, left, right and centre that all the shit WWX has ever successfully pulled is just an insane amount of luck and quick thinking.

I don’t know how would they work him into the battlefield (disguise? Mask?) to unleash his demonic cultivation but that’s Plot and I don’t do that.

Also, because I’m a terrible human being I want to say that people assume LWJ is on “pretty but useless” WWX like white on rice because *insert derogatory comment about being good in bed and sexual favours*. Because y’all know the assholes here are Like That. And WWX is horrified because holy fucking shit he’s gonna drag LWJ’s reputation down, he can’t have people thinking HGJ is ok with having him as a concubine pretty much. But before he can act LWJ politely all but confirms that yeah, he’s tapping that, y’all wish you were but he doesn’t share and none of y’all are good enough for his Wei Ying anyway. CUE FAKE/PRETEND RELATIONSHIP BECAUSE I AM INDEED TRASH FOR THAT TROPE.

Muahahahaha y’all thought I was gonna devolve into my personal hcs and not include my fave trope? Shouldn’t y’all know me better by now?

(Btw I like this bit ^ so I might polish it a little and post it separately as well, just a warning if you find yourself reading an eerily similar post by me)

WuJi is playing and LWJ is pining so much. Also, if LWJ did not just realise that, just like Yu the Great, WWX had no other option but tame resentful energy I’ll eat my blanket.

I refuse to believe Jiang Yanli didn’t become the unofficial war camp therapist/sounding board/only sane person/everyone’s mum/I just need a hug and a corner to cry in peace. There are not enough fics about Shijie being her gentle BAMF self while in the camp and it’s a pity. My crops are dying y’all!

Also, I will fight anyone who scoffs at Shijie being the epitome of the “gentle woman who cooks and waits for the men to come back from war”. Look at her mum, do you think it is easy for a kid (she was a kid in the flashback when WWX ran away) to see that day in and day out, to have that as a “role model” and decide that she was not going to be like her mum? That she didn’t like what she saw in her so she was going to be kind and gentle? And do you think it is easy for a person barely in their twenties to deal with years of verbal and psychological abuse for again, being gentle and kind, and not grow a hard shell of bitterness to protect themselves? And to keep being gentle and kind while at war, with your parents dead and your siblings unraveling before your very eyes? Shijie is so fucking strong and I love her.

Hey look, the White Walkers!

“Resentful energy is just energy” ok, valid. But my dude, you’ve got black ghost smoke coming out of you and can hear people screaming in your head. I’m not saying it is evil, like someone’s uptight set in his ways arrogant uncle; but it sure as shit ain’t healthy.

AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH (that’s a Clown Cousin scream btw)

Ok ok, just one little thing: IF SOMEONE ELSE CALLS WWX WEI YING AS A SHOW OF DISRESPECT IMMA SCALP THEM.

...are those crows eating that man alive? Yikes on bikes.

(Assume my comment about YiBo’s Guqin playing also goes for Xiao Zhan and his flute. I can’t play the flute but the tempo doesn’t match his fingers)

I’m just gonna say it, I think 3zun (well, 2zun as of now) suspect shit went down badly for WWX, that’s two questions by both of them in a very soft conciliatory tone. They are genuinely interested/worried about the topic, and don’t seem to come off as chiding or judgemental. I mean WWX is a weirdo irreverent kid and they’re sect leaders, they outrank him so much it’s ridiculous. I’m also counting the fact that both their baby brothers like him towards them being so kind. But I also think WWX just triggers all their big brother instincts the second he walks in.

Oh there’s a thought, Shijie, Wen Qing, NMJ and LXC take a look at everyone’s shitty parents and just decide to adopt everyone.

What happened at Yiling was a traumatised teenager (is WWX even 20?) PTSDing all over the place with the Dark Side of the Force whispering in his ear and an all powerful trinket at his disposal. Not saying I approve of all the torture and murder but he clearly isn’t revelling in them.

That is some outstanding bit of big-brothering on LXC’s side and I love it. Also, my dumbass just realised LWJ probably wasn’t quoting WWX when he was being punished (what is white what is black?) I think he was quoting his big brother. Which is magnitudes deep too, but in a different direction and I might love that scene even more.

Ok fuck it, I’m gonna tangent. So I had a terrible boyfriend when I was 15-18. He alienated me from my friends, sunk my self-esteem to the molten core of the earth, tried to convince me my parents were abusive and encouraged (aka threatened manipulated and cajoled) the slow tanking of my high school marks. I have A Problem when I see media where someone latches onto their significant other and everything they are shifts towards that person. Now, love, true genuine love, is powerful, and I believe it can be the catalyst for shifting your world-view for the better. I don’t have a problem with that. I don’t have a problem with people sticking with their romantic partner if it is clear their previous “family” is so much shit. I don’t have a problem with LWJ coming out of his shell and defying corrupt precepts because his love for WWX made them see they were wrong, or getting sassy and unrepentant during his punishment (I have a problem with the punishment bc that’s abuse but...). But I do side-eye WangXian being the only thing in their orbit. People need people, and WangXian have other good people around them. So I kind of love that yes, WWX showed him the system was corrupt, but it is the words of his brother he is sticking by to the defy said system.

Let’s go back to our scheduled slew of held pinning glances shall we?

LXC after That awkward run-in: WangJi I wasn’t gone that long, what the fuck did you two oblivious pining idiots do?

(LXC has “bitching” tea sessions with Shijie and you can’t convince me otherwise)

LWJ: *is being dramatic and not knocking on WWX’s door*

Me: oh my god you fucking idiot

Shijie: *walks in*

Me: oh thank god someone with a braincell.

Ah yes, there we go triggering WWX’s paranoia again. Why would he get a break.

OH MY GOD YOU PAIR OF FUCKING IDIOTS. THATS IT, FUCK THIS SHIT IM OUT.

@ LWJ: bitch wtf was that? I know you’re shit at talking but have you thought about writing it down? Letters anyone? It worked for mr. Darcy.

(Yes LWJ is mr darcy and now I want an au where LWJ writes WWX letters and just pours everything in them, WWX finds them, any everything is sunshine and rainbows)

While this bullshit fight/misunderstanding is all on LWJ’s shoulders, I’m also going to scream at WWX. Because yes, he is in PTSD hell, but he trusted LWJ before, and yet he can’t get past his perceived notion of LWJ’s character (and his own inadequacies) to trust him again and ask for help. Plus, you know, he thinks he doesn’t deserve he’ll bc *waves hand at WWX’s trauma conga line*

These episodes can’t be good for my BP.

Thanks for reading!

#the untamed #cql #mdzs live action #mdzs #foxglove watches cql #foxglove watches the untamed #lan wangji #wei wuxian #wangxian #jiang yanli #jiang cheng #yunmeng trio #yunmeng siblings #commentary

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nikosomething · 4 years ago

Note

HEYYYY I'm back, very late, I know! But *distressed gurgling noises*. Sorry?? As for fic recs and sangcheng, I'm going to wait until the reveal so I can DM you about it, if you would like? Yess, it's precisely sweating that makes me hate summer haha. It is, truly, yes, the time between Christmas and new year is so sweet, the liminal days as some Tumblr post put it. OMG I'M CACKLING. That was a ride!! dfgdhjshxjdjd yes it's Heaven's official blessing, or TGCF (shortened Chinese title). Yes, I have read both of mxtx's other works- TGCF and svsss. TGCF is my favorite of all three of her books!

Oh yeah, having Meng Yao realise earlier what a douche his dick of a father is would be most wonderful for him AND other characters. Much less grief, surely. I'm alright with any canon divergence with the side characters. I just don't like wwx and lwj making different choices lol. ANYTHING ELSE is super fine! Omg that sounds beautiful. I hope you had a merry Christmas, Niko! Ah we don't celebrate xmas, no! But my holidays have been delightful! Oh wow, that's such a detailed answer. (2)

I prefer tea these days. Back in college, I used to drink coffee on the regular. Now, however, I'm more interested in ginger tea these days. I make it fresh each time- grate fresh ginger, boil it in water with tea powder and some sugar on the stove. I haven't really tried fancy teas, I don't think I'm much of a teabag person. I'd need loose tea haha. I like the ritual of making it, you know? As it so happens, Niko, this bunny is allergic to apples. I start sneezing as soon as I eat even a single bite of an apple, same with pears as well. Guess what my favorite fruit is? Apples! *saddest bunny sniff* green apples more so but I can't eat them! 😔

Cooking shows are soooo good, but it's been years since I have seen a proper cooking show. All of your recs sound amazing, I might check them out next year when I have time (busy with college work, you see). Oooh what all have I watched? Mostly Netflix shows and cdramas. Cdramas first cuz those are the ones I recently watched and hence, also remember - Joy of Life, Nirvana in Fire, the romance of tiger and rose, Hikaru No Go, Go ahead, TGCF donghua. Western shows- locke and key, Euphoria, Sex Education, (ohmygod I seriously can't recall any other. Rip my memory but I watched SO MANY shows ahhhhhh), I'm currently watching Bridgerton. If I remember, I shall tell you when the reveal happens. NIKO, even I watched the pillowbook and it's prequel, and yes, I have to agree that they aren't my favourites too. They were mehhh. I only liked it cuz of Dijun (purple robes, silver hair fella)! (3)

I'm pretty sure I messed up the numbering. I hope you can figure them out AHHHHHHH I don't even know the number of this text dfgdjdhdjdhdhd

Questions now! Idk have many questions honestly haha. I'm just excited for the reveal lmao. Who amongst the MDZS characters, would be your best friend and who would be your enemy? Kiss marry kill- JC, NHS, WWX? What's your favorite and least favorite arc/subplot in MDZS/cql? Alright, that's all for now! Talk to you soon- 🐰

---------

Heyyyyy my dear bunny, I missed you!! But don't worry, life happens! I understand haha Alright, let's wait for the big reveal so you can give me all da SangCheng fic recs! I am EXCITED! Omg okay yes, TGCF, I recognise that. And SVSS, taht one too. That was one crazy ride it's true hahaha If TGCF is your fav then it's all the more reason for me to get to TGCF next! Who is your fav character in TGCF (I wanna have that in mind when I read it haha) Ohhh! Now that's interesting! Why don't you like canon divergence for WangXian? I am intrigued! And thank youuu! I had a great Xmas and great stomachache cause I just didn't stop eating hahaha I lay awake with cramps regretting everything just to do it all over again the next day oops... talk about learning from your mistakes and stuff... hahaha May I ask where you come from? Is it a personal decision that you don't celebrate, is it religiously influenced or is it because of where you live? I hope that didn't sound disrespectful, if so (if I ever sound disrespectful for that matter) please let me know. I am always willing to learn and improve! <3 Ohhh yes, fresh ginger tea is amazing! I have never tried it with sugar, though, but now I am curious. And I actually have a teashop right around the corner where I can get fancy loose tea. Tell me what you like and I'll send you something ;)

Ohhhh noooooes you are allergic to apples! Nooooo! I am so sorry, esp since you like them! I have a friend who is allergic to tomatoes but loves tomato sauce. Ahhh it always breaks my heart Oh! I watched the first episodes of Euphoria but then I didn't have access anymore and I was so sad about that. And I think I also watched Sex Ed! And Netflix recommended Bridgerton to me only yesterday. It seemed interesting! Do you like it so far? (Also Imma so gonan check out your recommendations!!) HAHAHAHA OMGGG BUNNY! YES; I ONLY WATCHED IT FOR DIJUN! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT hahahahahaha Also I was so confused when everything was different in Pillowbook. Like they took great care to build it all up in Eternal Love and then EVERYTHING. IS. DIFFERENT. Ohh but I loved the General. What's his name... the one who was by Dijun's side as his right hand man and leader of the troops during that one life. Do you know who I mean? The sweet sweet boy ahhh man I took a bazillion screenshots of him hahaha I enjoyed your numbering haha it was almost perfect hahaha

My Answers

Who yould be my best friend? Uhmmmm... I guess someone who supports me, likes my enthusiasm but also helps me remember how the world works and sprinkles in a tad of realism. Lan Xichen perhaps! And I'd also have a great time with Lan Jingyi! haha omg all the LansBut I'd enjoy the presence of most characters tbh!!Enemywise... I only dislike people who hurt others so I guess if I witnessed one of them hurting my friends they'd become my enemy? Sadly I guess it'd be Xue Yang then. Or my baby Meng Yao if I had been close with NHS and or NMJ. I mean JGS and WRH are a given so I don't really mention them.Now tell me about you! I can't wait to hear about it!!omggg why are you giving me that super hard choice!!? Uhmmm... Kiss them all, have them marry their loved ones and pls, pls let them live! xDDDDD *sneakily sneaking out of this one*As for arc/subplot please let me know your thoughts on this! I honestly can't tell, I's have to watch it all over again cause I forget way too quickly. But there were defo parts I enjoyed mor ethan others. I'll think about it!Feel hugged!!!

#mdzsnetcc #bunny friend

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ao3porcelainstorm · 4 years ago

Text

poison ivy & stinging nettles 5

On Ao3

Pairing: Sherlock/OFC

Rated: M

Warnings: eventual violence, torture, swears, adult themes (no explicit smut)

Chapter 4 - Chapter 6

Chapter 5- Fungi

~~~

Despite the initial tension regarding Jessica Reynolds, things seem to be progressing well with Amelia’s case. Sherlock was able to pull a number of shipping manifests from the assistant’s computer, each bound for the manufacturing factory in Manila.

It was fortunate that it confirmed almost every compound Amelia had noted when she stole the data set, at least in the cancer drugs.

The problem was the secondary product bound into the cancer drugs that caused adverse effects. The details on the manifests were less than helpful…

~~~

“Psilocybe mushroom components,” Amelia read the computer screen out loud for the third time since Sherlock had passed it to her, annoyance in her tone. “That’s it?”

“Magic mushrooms?” John asked, passing her a cup of tea, she immediately set it aside, scrolling through the computer logs further. “Seems straightforward enough.”

“John, there are over 200 different types of Psilocybe spores,” Amelia pinched the bridge of her nose, taking a deep breath. “Sherlock, please tell me you have an idea for how we can possibly narrow it down?”

“How many did you use in your research?” The detective asked, reaching for his own tea cup.

“47,” she answered. “Two were almost identical hybrids, so maybe 46.”

“There you go,” he smirked over the rim of his cup. “Narrowed down.”

“You know we’re going to have to get samples, even if we run the equations, some might work but not technically be the component. Not to mention the cancer drugs might be different,” she groaned and set her cup aside, throwing her head back against the sofa.

“Sherlock, it might be time to contact your brother,” John suggested quietly, earning a glare from the brunette.

“You have a brother?” Amelia asked, her head still flung back with her eyes closed. “Please tell me he’s a reputable drug dealer because it’s going to be a pain in the ass getting these things.”

“Even better, he’s a member of her Majesty’s Royal Government,” Sherlock chimed back. Amelia snorted, remaining still.

“He could also order seizures of the shipments,” John reminded the group coolly, sensing the rising tension between the group.

“Unhelpful if we can’t properly determine the malicious components, John,” Sherlock shot back, picking up on Amelia’s frustration. “The idea is that Chemco’s random samples are unable to be traced, and random.”

“Certainly a shipment would contain some variations?” he asked the pair. Amelia threw her arms up hopelessly, and he frowned. “Sherlock, don’t tell me you’re at a loss?”

“Short of breaking into a hospital, stealing their current supply, and testing it against the 46 varieties of mushroom Mia has worked with, this doesn’t lend a more efficient solution,” the detective hummed, drumming his fingers on his chin in thought.

Silence fell over the group, each person thinking through potential solutions.

“Monty!” Amelia shot up, nearly startling John into dropping his tea.

“What on earth-?” The doctor grumbled while Amelia fished out her phone.

“Ruthie’s brother in law, Monty, he’s an, er, herbal enthusiast,” she explained, tapping into her phone. “I bought a few illicit plants from him when I first moved over. He’s basically got everything you could think of. If not, he’ll know someone who does.”

“Is he in London?”

“Canterbury, lives down the road from Ruthie and her husband,” Amelia got a ping back. “Says we can swing by tomorrow if we’d like. I know offhand, I saw at least a dozen spores in one of his cold storages. I’ll dig up my research list, I can probably narrow down the list from 46 to something more reasonable if I look through what moved to the second stages of trials.”

“And then we go shopping for illicit drugs,” John replied dryly. “And what about the cancer medications?”

Sherlock and Amelia exchanged humored glances. There was certainly something that the doctor was missing.

“What?” John gawked between the pair. “You’re not actually breaking into a hospital, are you?”

“We wouldn’t need much, maybe one or two treatments?” Sherlock asked Amelia, who nodded after doing a quick calculation in her head.

“The binding components are easy enough to track down over the counter, though we might need a better equipped lab than what you’ve got in the kitchen,” she noted.

“That’s not a problem,” Sherlock waved her off, skimming through the list of components from the shipping logs. “Easy.”

“I don’t like it when you two conspire together. It always leads to some sort of trouble,” John pressed, frown deepening.

“John, you’re a doctor,” Amelia reminded him excitedly. “Prescribe poor Sherlock Holmes a chemotherapy treatment for the tumor in his ego.”

“No, absolutely not,” John stood up. “That violates so many ethical rules- besides, you’re a licensed pharmacist. It’d be easier for you.”

“Not here, not yet. I mean, we can let innocent, immune compromised patients die,” Amelia shrugged, leaning back into the sofa. “What a shame about the little babies with leukemia. All because my wicked mother wanted a second mega yacht.”

“What truly is the core of medical ethics Dr. Watson?” Sherlock inquired, slowly closing his laptop, his gaze boring into his friend. “Is it not to protect life?”

John Watson, caught between an American and a hard place, was less than thrilled when he finally, begrudgingly, scribbled his name on a prescription pad and passed it to Sherlock.

“If my license is revoked-,” he threatened, holding it away from Sherlock briefly.

“Will you kill him?” Amelia asked, grabbing her crimson scarf from the back of the sofa and wrapping it around her shoulders. “Because I’d be very interested in seeing that.”

“Don’t think you get off that easy,” John turned his attention to Amelia while Sherlock scampered to his coat, mocking Amelia over John’s shoulder with a smirk. “You’re equally responsible for anything that goes wrong.”

“That’s not fair, I’m an innocent bystander to your collusion,” she pouted, catching her navy pea coat when John tossed it at her head.

“Careful John,” Sherlock warned, passing the doctor his jacket, shielding his friend from Amelia’s sad eyes. “Keep her pouting like that and she’ll convince you to clean her hair out of the shower drain.”

“Just go,” John shoved the detective through the doorway, not bothering to wait for the grumbling Amelia as she pulled her boots on and stumbled her way out the door behind them.

~~~

“And you’re going to be administering the medications at home?” the chemist studied the prescription order, glancing over the paper to John with a quirked brow.

“That’s right,” he answered with a curt nod, his hands stuffed in his pockets to try and stave off the nervous energy that radiated through his core.

“To a Mr. William Holmes?” the chemist looked to Sherlock next to him. “Is that you?”

“Yes,” he pulled out his ID and passed it to the woman, flashing a quick smile.

“Did you guys know that Beyonce is pregnant again?” Amelia held up a tabloid to Sherlock. “Oh wait, never mind. Just a rumor.”

“Who is this?” the chemist paused, looking up at Amelia.

“His fiancé,” she replied, setting the magazine aside and looping an arm through Sherlock’s. “Here for moral support. He’s just starting treatment and is nervous as all get out, isn’t that right, love?” For added effect, she snuggled closer, pressing her cheek against his arm.

“I wouldn’t have made it in one piece without her,” he nodded, giving her cheek a quick peck. “Just an absolute blessing.”

“We’re just so lucky to find Dr. Watson,” Amelia continued with a long sigh. “Not a lot of doctor’s are willing to do home treatments within the NHS, you know. And of course I’m completely out of my element with all of it!”

The chemist chuckled empathetically, asking how the pair met as she typed up the order for the supplies. Sherlock and Amelia shot back and forth, exchanging little tidbits about their “relationship” enough to almost convince John it was real.

“The order will be ready tomorrow morning,” the woman smiled at the trio and reached for Amelia’s hand. “I’ll be praying for you both.”

“You’re an angel,” Amelia replied, giving them a squeeze before ushering the group out of the pharmacy with a final wave at the woman.

Back on the street, Amelia slipped a hand into Sherlock’s pocket, pulling out his wallet.

“I did not know your name was William,” she studied his ID, trying to memorize the details before he snatched it from her. “And you’re only three years older than me? I don’t believe that.”

Sherlock grabbed the wallet and ID out her hands, returning them to his coat pocket with a huff.

“Is there no privacy with you?” he grumbled. “And what’s so surprising about how old I am?”

“I just figured you were older,” she shrugged. “I mean, I’m almost thirty, right? I figured you were like, almost forty or something.”

John sputtered out a laugh.

“That’s spectacular,” he threw an arm around her shoulders. “How old do you think I am?”

“John, in all honesty, I have no idea,” she answered. “Sometimes I’m convinced you’re fifty, other times you have to be my age.”

Sherlock snorted under his breath.

“It’s a fair assessment,” she insisted, frowning apologetically at John. “You get very grumpy in the mornings, and the matching flannel pajamas don’t help very much.”

“They’re warm.”

“I’m sure they’re wonderful,” Amelia smiled, patting his arm in a placating tone. “I’m just a terrible judge of age apparently. I should have know how old you actually were with all of the part-time super models you bring by.”

“Mia, you’re digging yourself into a hole you’ll regret for the foreseeable future,” Sherlock warned.

“Shush,” Amelia swatted his arm.

“That reminds me,” John glanced down at his phone. “I have a second date with Ann tonight.”

“Is she the one with the Pomeranian?” Amelia asked hopefully. He shook his head and she sighed. “I liked that one.”

“You liked the dog and I’m very allergic,” John reminded her. “Ann is a barrister.”

“Maybe you should make sacrifices for your relationships, John,” she countered. “Have fun with your boring lawyer date.”

“Ann is the boring one, that’s right,” Sherlock perked up.

“She is not boring,” John insisted, flagging down a taxi.

“We’ll call with an ‘emergency’ in a bit,” Amelia promised earnestly. “Get you out of talks about law and order. Blegh.”

“I’m turning my phone off,” he called, slipping into the backseat of the taxi.

“If it wasn’t so cold, I’d be half tempted to follow them,” Amelia mused, continuing down the street with the detective.

“Don’t, they’re seeing that action movie that just came out,” he sighed dramatically. "Boring."

“Movies never make sense as an early date,” she noted. “You can’t talk. How do you get to know anything about the other person? They could be a serial killer for all you know.”

“Exactly, hardly an intimate setting,” he shook his head in disappointment. Amelia looked at him in surprise, stifling a laugh. “What?”

“It’s hard to picture you trying to take someone on a date,” she confessed lightly.

“You’re one to talk,” he countered quickly. “You never leave the flat.”

“You literally don’t let me?” she replied with another laugh. “And arguably, I’ve gone at least one more date than you in the last month.”

“Jessica Reynolds does not count,” he shot back.

“She has the remnants of my favorite shirt on her bedroom floor,” Amelia shivered at the memory. “She counts. John’s been on half a dozen dates since then, yet I’m fairly certain I heard you making love to your calculator the other night.”

“Why did I allow you to move into my building?” Sherlock kept his focus forward. “And I’d be a wonderful date, assuming I knew who i was meeting and could plan accordingly.”

“You’d stalk your date for ideas,” Amelia bit back a smirk. “It’d almost be endearing if it wasn’t super illegal.”

“I do not have to stalk someone to take them on a decent date,” he insisted. “What about you? What would you do aside from a bar?”

“First of all, I would never take someone to a bar on a first date,” she held a hand up, stopping in front of him. “It’s tacky. Would you want to date someone tacky?”

“Ok, where would you take me?” he offered, folding his arms across his chest. Amelia considered his challenge, pulling out her cell phone and tapping at the screen. Grinning at the device, she looked up at him.

“I get a little leeway because I’m not from here,” she warned, flagging down a passing cab.

“What are you doing?” he watched her chat with the driver, and look up at him expectantly.

“I’m taking you on a date,” she answered. “Get in Mr. Holmes, and prepare to be wooed.”

~~~

The Barbican Conservatory wasn’t very busy at midday in the middle of the week, so they were able to secure entrance and tour around the large space without too much interruption from other guests.

“There are over 1,500 different plants in 23,000 cubic square feet of space,” Amelia tucked her hands behind her back. “And the ponds feature koi and carp from Japan and America respectively.”

“Did you just read the pamphlet?” Sherlock asked, looking over the informational packet. “Because you quoted the first paragraph verbatim.”

“It’s because I’m well versed in what I sought out,” she answered with a grin. “Look, flowers.”

She pulled him toward a large selection of tropical flora, naming the species as they moved through in both their common names and scientific ones.

“This one is particularly rare,” she gestured to a bright red flower, the pamphlet long discarded in her coat pocket. Sherlock listened intently, occasionally chiming in his own facts about the flora that surrounded them. He could tell she was pleasantly surprised at his own knowledge on some of the more obscure plants.

“Waitwaitwait,” Amelia pulled him by the wrist toward a large swath of sunflowers. “They’re taller than you, that’s so cool!”

“Does that make them extra haughty?” he retorted, letting her shove him in front of the flowers. She snapped a picture while he continued to quip, ignoring his comments a moment while she saved it to her phone. “Do not show that to anyone.”

“I would never,” she promised. “It’s a good picture, though.” She held her phone up, and sure enough, she’d captured a flattering angle while he’d been laughing.

“I’m not haughty,” he quickly stated.

“You know that isn’t their only meaning,” she hummed, tucking the phone away. “They also mean strength, happiness, confidence… I think they sum you up perfectly.”

“Happiness?”

“Oh that’s right, you were happy once and it was terrible,” she replied coyly. “How could I have forgotten? Happiness can mean bringing it to others as well, Sherlock.”

She turned to look at some lilacs, absently chatting while he stood frozen in place, the words running on repeat in the front of his mind.

Who did he make happy?

~~~

Amelia had a mouth full of falafel when Sherlock decided on where he was going to take her next.

“Mmwha mwean?” she asked, tilting her head in confusion. “Dwon’t swteal mwwy dawte!”

“You did an adequate job,” he answered. “But I still think I’m the superior date planner.”

She swallowed her food, eyeing distrustfully.

“I’m only interested if it’s a very old cemetery,” she replied, stealing one of his chips. “And it better be nighttime and there had better be ghosts.”

“There is no such thing as ghosts,” Sherlock clarified sharply.

“Consider this date over,” she stood up from the public bench they’d settled on. “It’s not me, it’s definitely you.”

“Amelia, come back,” he called, but she continued down the road, night starting to swallow the city. “They’re theoretically impossible.”

~~~

Amelia had to admit (though never out loud), Sherlock Holmes did know a thing or two about impressing a date (despite his disbelief in ghosts).

He purchased her a pink peony, her favorite flower, from a street vendor.

Next, they went to the aquarium, where they wandered away from the main tour and Sherlock gave his own version of the tour, naming the fish and telling her random facts about their origins. Together, they came up with complex names and origin stories for all of the fish.

“The puffer fish is obviously fed up with the whale shark’s nonsense,” Amelia laughed, pointing out the fish blowing up as the white shark passed it in the tank. “He’s probably having an affair with the puffer fish’s wife.”

“I don’t know, the whale shark was eyeing the sea turtle…” Sherlock mused, watching the mesmerizing scene next to her.

Every once in a while, Amelia would steal a look at him. The way the light reflected around them, and how it flickered through his blue eyes- should almost wished she had a paint pallet to try and capture the almost perfect cerulean color.

They left the aquarium chuckling about an octopus that had escaped during a demonstration, night having finally swept over the city.

“Ok,” she relented. “You win this round.”

“I’m not done yet,” he pulled his phone out and glanced up. “We have a final stop.”

“What else could you have planned on such short notice?” she asked, letting him grab her hand and pull her along.

“I told you, I know what I’m doing,” he teased, stopping after a few blocks, looking up at the glowing carriages of the London Eye. “It’s not a cemetery.”

“Might be better,” Amelia admitted.

And it was.

Amelia had never experienced anything so spectacular in her life. The lights over the Thames and the London skyline were unlike anything she’d seen before. The old city had a different energy to it compared to New York, and from the top of the famous Ferris wheel, she could see it all.

“I can’t believe we live in the same city as all of this,” she gestured below them. “It doesn’t seem real.”

“It looks like stars,” he agreed, looking over the edge.

“And the reflection on the river?” Amelia continued to gush in excitement, practically jumping around the edges of the capsule as they moved through the sky.

It was over far too quickly, though Amelia knew they needed to get back. John was probably long home from his date.

“You win,” she sighed. “You definitely win, but only for today.”

“That means there’s a second date?” he smirked, offering her his arm as they walk. She took it, falling in step while they tried to track down a taxi.

Amelia knew he was teasing. It was more of an outing between friends, a means to prove a point with no real intimate feelings involved. A challenge.

She repeated this to herself as she stared at the peony in her hands on the taxi ride home. Or when Sherlock made a quiet quip about extra marital whale shark affairs.

He had to prove his point, and he did. She was sufficiently surprised, and very much felt conflicted about it.

When they returned, Amelia cut into the conversation before John could ask where they’d been. He told her all about his date, and that while Ann was very nice, there probably wasn’t a third date in their future.

“Because she’s boring?” Sherlock joked, pulling out his laptop and checking his email.

“We have different interests,” John clarified sharply. “I think I’m going to take a break from dating for a bit. What about you two? What did you do all day?” His eyes fell on the peony in Amelia’s hand, and she froze, not sure how to respond.

“We went on a date,” Sherlock spoke up confidently from his perch, eyeing John and waiting for a reaction.

“You… on a date?” he looked between the pair. “Both of you? Together?”

Admittedly, it was a bit fun watching their friend process the information. Amelia just braced herself for when Sherlock clarified their challenge with one another.

“Yep,” he answered, popping the “p”. “It was a lovely day, wasn’t it Mia?”

Dazed, Amelia choked out an affirmative, her head still catching up with the fact there hadn’t been any specifications as to the motivation behind everything.

“A long day,” she forced out a yawn. “I’m going to put this in some water and head to bed. We’ve got an early morning tomorrow, don’t forget. I have our train tickets already, but one of you needs to get the chemotherapy into the fridge before we go.”

Both men said goodnight and she slipped downstairs to her apartment, sneaking a final glance over her shoulder, in case he was going to add anything else to the date conversation.

“A date?” John waited until Amelia was out of earshot. “You never mentioned being interested like that. In fact, you mocked me.”

“We were merely getting to know one another,” he shrugged. “Initially we were trying to prove a point, but it turned into an enjoyable afternoon. Though, I wouldn’t get too excited about it, John.”

“And why not?” John asked. “She’s been here for two months now, you two get along in your weird, mad scientist way, it could be a good match.”

“I’m far too busy to have time for romantic partners,” Sherlock shot the suggestion down. He stilled, his hands resting on the keys of his laptop. “And she seemed odd just now, didn’t she?”

“No more than usual,” John replied. “Worried she didn’t enjoy herself? You got her a flower, I’m sure she was enthralled.”

“A peony,” Sherlock corrected quietly. “She likes peonies. They’re in the perfume she wears.”

“Maybe she’s just deep in denial, much like yourself, and needed to sleep to get her head straight?” John snorted, standing up from his chair. “Speaking of, don’t stay up too late.”

Sherlock waved him off, staring down at his computer and re-reading the same sentence over and over. He couldn’t focus on any of his cases right now, his head was all over the place.

Grabbing his violin, he plucked away at the strings, trying to find a sound for the chaos in his head.

Meanwhile, laying in bed with her eyes closed, listening to the soft sounds, Amelia decided she had more important things to think about besides date challenges and eccentric roommates.

Things like corrupt CEOs and fungi.

Chapter 6

#sherlock original female character #sherlock holmes #sherlock #sherlock/ofc #sherlock bbc #sherlock fanfiction #sherlock holmes fanfiction #sherlock fanfic #writing #john watson #watson #OFC #sherlock/oc #sherlock/reader #reader insert #reader

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vaguely-concerned · 5 years ago

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The Untamed Liveblog

Yes hello I watched the whole thing and wrote down some of my thoughts and feelings along the way so I wouldn’t fuckign EXPLODE! Only look under the cut if you’re prepared for a truly outrageous amount of rambling (...no really)

- I am elated to find that so far every adaptation I’ve seen has faithfully preserved the absolutely bizarre structure of the original book, I am appreciating the dedication haha

- the actor lends this version of lan wangji such an edge of youth and vulnerability right from the beginning, it breaks my heart. I don’t care how good he is with a sword, you can’t expose this pure sweet boy to the horrors of war!!!

- I am so glad I already know who all these characters are and wtf is going on, I can’t imagine watching this first time without that knowledge lol

- I love how they’ve made nie huaisang look so small and soft next to all the other cultivator, he looks like a floofy and eternally confused baby birb ;______;

- nhs citing the goldfinch as the reason he doesn’t want to die (presumably because no one will know to take care of it) TOT ur meant to be comic relief in this part of the story buddy you can’t make me cry like this yet!!!

(also the actor for wwx effortlessly sliding into being protective and reassuring and Good in a crisis. wonderful!)

- the actor for xue yang has chosen to go with the sexy baby school of evil acting normally associated with female villains and for that I can only applaud him

also setting up characters who are going to be important later on is something this show is doing better than the original haha, both the extra wen quing & ning and song lan & xiao xingcheng content is appreciated. (especially the latter suffered from ‘oh yeah those two -- actually wait who the fuck are these two again’ syndrome for me when I read the book. additional note: I am very sorry but clearly they are gay there’s no other explanation here)

- poor jiang cheng, they really haven’t given him much help in this huh. I would sort of have preferred it if they let him be ever so slightly less abrasive in the beginning, like in the book and the animated version; I’m not feeling quite as devastated over this relationship as I did in either of those.

- lan xichen’s soft knowing smile is a blessing every time. just a nice man. did not deserve this. protect.

- kudos to the actor for jin guangyao for the instinctive creeping unease I feel whenever he talks, even at this stage. he’s a wrong ‘un sir he’s a wrong ‘un

- y’know both the fact that nhs spent three days catching a bird and kept it with him undetected and that he’s the friend you go to for the good porn and managed to not only smuggle it into the cloud recesses but did so without getting caught... some wonderful subtle foreshadowing here (to make up for the very blatant visual foreshadowing that’s already been given out I assume lol)

- anyway lan ancestor lady and baoshan-sanren? gay. sad and gay. (I love how thoroughly wwx is getting to meet the in-laws btw lol how often do you have to meet your future spouse’s family from like three generations ago and take care of her rabbits for her after she’s gone, all before you even get to second base)

- fkadshfkasjdlhfsdjkfh the sheer consistency of nhs wistfully commenting on all the beautiful men surrounding him fsadfkjsdhfksd I think they might oh so subtly be hinting at some stuff here. HILARIOUS that this version, which has to maintain at least the veneer of some plausible homoerotic deniability, is a lot more overt about it than the book, which is free to be balls to the wall as gay as you please

- oh no nie mingjue just showed up my entire heart is on fire. BIG BROTHER!! so stern yet fair, so righteous, so worried y______y also can we talk about how his ‘hmmm I think imma stab it?’ approach to evil in general and xue yang in particular would have saved everyone a lot of grief later on? and he tells wwx the whole necromancy thing is probably not a good idea? (I really like how he does it too, he has so much Older Brother Energy it spills over when he talks to other kids around huaisang’s age lol. it’s good that they show his temper isn’t indiscriminate at all, he’s not angry at wwx even though his idea is provably incredibly dangerous) sole ornery voice of reason nie mingjue, also did not deserve what’s about to happen, I cry and my tears are blood

- ‘yeah okay I get that you’re mad but have you maybe considered... I didn’t do it?’ is an unusually weak opening move from jgy considering nmj literally did just see him absolutely 100% do it

- there should be a WARNING at the beginning of episodes where nmj cries so one could be PREPARED for the emotional devastation!!!!! tollest & stronkest man of the cast also stupidly pretty and heartbreaking while crying, it’s not fair

- I love how every cultivation sect’s home (except for the wens b/c they’re cartoon villains) is refined and beautiful and luxurious, even when it’s in a restrained way like the lans’... and then there’s the nie place which is like ‘please understand that this is a fuckn fortress’

- aww this doomed jiang cheng/wen quing thing is cute! too bad about... everything that’s about to happen happening huh

- oh wen ning. very hilarious that he’s known as the ~*ghost general*~ forevermore when actually... he is baby... cinnamon roll baby... too good for this world, too pure...

- how is this cgi turtle somehow less egregious than the one in the animated version lol. I quite like this bad little friend! long neck.

- oh NO lan wangji finally letting himself show that he’s in pain when they’re in private... i’m uwu

this beautiful boy is so long and lanky tho, I must admit he triggers my parental instinct more than the hot boy alert at this stage (but that’s fine I’m not the one who’s going to smooch him that’s wwx’s job lol)

the look of absolute disbelief and despair lwj gives when wwx thinks he’s in love with mianmian... this show is a cinematic masterpiece and I will hear no other opinion

- lwj looking at the love of his life completely missing the point: are you a joke to you (the answer is yeah)

- okay we’ve officially hit the point where everything’s about to go to hell for real, pray for me I’m not sure I can handle this again

- jiang fengmian acknowledge your other son who desperately wants your attention and affection challenge (unfinished)

- watching this scene knowing exactly what this promise means to jiang cheng and that wwx is going to break it... this is fINE

why the fuck did I do this to myself I know what’s about to happen when will I learn to quit while I’m ahead lol

- the change in subtext from the novel that EVERYONE sees wangxian coming from day one is so painful from jiang cheng’s side. this poor boy really has abandonment issues pelting him from every direction huh. tfw your idiot genius brother doesn’t even fucking realize he’s basically announcing he’s leaving your clan and your side to get married one day ;______;

- man mxtx is just so GOOD at peppering in the small private tragedies that somehow sting even worse than huge atrocities going on. the fact that madam yu and papa jiang never manage to reconcile and communicate except possibly in death... oof my friends. oooof.

- WAIT WHAT NO DON’T SHOW ME THE CHILDREN WHO’RE ABOUT TO DIE WHAT THE FUCK YOU MONSTERS

- like we’re right at the worst part now and she is an asshole... but damn madam yu’s last stand is epic tho. like a champ to the end

- wen zhuliu’s actor being able to uphold a look of tremendous boredom at all times regardless of what’s going on around him is Poetic Cinema Bitches

- jiang cheng and wei ying are holding hands on the boat... stab me in the heart... end my suffering

- you know what in this version we get to see that madam yu knew her husband came back for her and they died holding hands and not everything’s on fire yet, so far this isn’t quite as harrowing as the animated version. the dead children are fucking me up but the tone of the animated version is like a nightmare, this is less disturbing to me

also can we talk about how madam yu fought them off the whole day and night and her husband gets his ass owned within five minutes 😔 oh papa jiang

- oh okay turns out jiang cheng’s ‘I want my mom and dad’ gets to me in every adaptation good to know

they’re so young they’re bbs I don’t want to be here anymore haha

- wen ning. a sweet angel. just the goodest of boys. his sister raised him so well ;______:

- wen quing is so ethereally beautiful and also looks like she could stop a train with the force of one glance. like she’s my height but her presence is immense

- oh I see we’ve arrived at the tiny adorable flashback bbs part of this journey, let me just... just lie down somewhere huh

- outside of the central romance this is a tale about people who love their brothers very very much and it’s real sad for everyone involved

- me watching nie mingjue kicking down the doors to reclaim his own dang fortress: YEEEEAAAAH GO OFF DAGE!!! i um love him and his very handsome face

- jiang cheng dreaming about his family is EMOTIONAL WARFARE!!! how fucking dare!!!

- y’know what this isn’t a bad way of adapting the burial grounds thing! also pretty cost effective I imagine, gotta think about the budget when so much of it goes into fabulous wigs and robes

- credit where it’s due, the actor for wen chao makes his face do some shit I didn’t know human faces could do and he’s enjoyable to watch in the capacity as your friendly neighbourhood hate sink

- lwj consistently using wwx’s personal name even when talking to total strangers now... mhm this is also fine

- I can’t beliEVE this show is somehow less subtle about the gay stuff than the book, jin zixuan basically just asked lwj if he and wwx were... y’know... I guess cultivation partners would be the way to go here lol. between that and nhs more or less asking them if they were off fucking after the whole cold cave debacle... what a time to be alive even if they’re not going to kiss on-screen

- huaisang I hate to have to be the one to tell you this but your brother is an entire snacc. and yet I respect him way too much to ever proposition him, I know he is busy winning a war and being Righteous and slowly being driven mad by the ghost in his sword on top of raising his little brother, I’m not here to complicate things for him any further

I love this version of nmj so much though. this sense that he also sees the stuff that is genuinely good in jgy and has a real moment of grief that the dude just can’t seem to get away from his basic insecurity that causes him to do horrific things, even when handed other opportunities... the fact that he seems regretful and worried when asking jin zixuan how jgy is doing with the jin....... everything to do with his little brother...................... oh no he’s Soft in his private life this is awful

- poor lwj’s ‘I have a bad feeling about this’ face in this scene haha, he’s staring at this talisman like ‘I only know one person smart and dumb enough to pull this off’

- can’t wen quing just get one nice thing. one nice thing just for her. hasn’t she been through enough. give her her brother back and a nice quiet place to practice medicine and maybe some soft romance with jiang cheng eventually this show is kind of selling me on this.

- unexpectedly my favourite part of the revenge scene is just the camera switching back to lwj and jc watching in horrified silence like ‘...O___o dude this is fucked up tho right?? it’s not just me that’s messed up??’

- one is forced to wonder about wen zhuliu tho. this version reads as pretty explicitly depressed/suicidal to me, he’s kind of an interesting villain since his main traits are unquestioning loyalty mixed with unending indifference and also seemingly not too pressing a will to live

- oh nhs desperately trying to keep it together and pretend nothing’s different ;_____; this version is really driving it home that wwx is a lot of people’s only friend -- jiang cheng is mentioned to not have anyone but his sister to play with before he arrived, lwj was raised primarily on books and rules and his brother is ELATED that he has one (1) friend now, from the sheer depth of the attachment I’m willing to bet nhs hasn’t had many real friends in his life either. wwx gives and gives of himself and doesn’t know how to take help in return.

- foreknowledge is a beautiful thing; if you look at nhs when it’s revealed wwx didn’t bring his sword you can visibly see his brain kicking into overdrive haha. smart boy.

- big sister ;_______; I am an older sibling so I haven’t really had the feeling of having an older sister to look to, I see why it might be comforting now

- oh this is some real uruk-hai shit!! honestly the special effects in this aren’t half as bad as I’d been lead to fear, some of you guys just weren’t forged in the crucible of shitty sci-fi channel cgi at an early age and it shows

(honestly the weird fight stuff threw me much worse in nirvana in fire, because that series has such intricate, credible and realistic political world building and then people are flying all over the place through wire fu and it is so disorienting haha)

- oh nhs looking up at his brother like a puppy during the war council T______T baby bird boy

(between this point in the main story and fatal journey it’s very interesting how clearly nhs needs the emotional stability and safety of his brother -- who also seems to be his parental figure -- to function properly, even in his late teens. it looks like he needed more time to grow up than the rest of them even before they were all thrown into this awful bullshit. well he does have a lot of murderkitten brain to grow I guess that’s fair enough lol. wwx has some of the same thing with his sister too)

- whenever lxc and nmj look at each other it feels like the only two adults in the room meeting each other’s eyes like ‘...oh dear’

- aww lwj getting some advice from his brother. this poor kid really hasn’t been raised to handle the moral complexity of the real world huh, good thing lxc is here to lend some nuance to lan qiren’s unforgiving dogma

- oh lan zhan

- nmj’s plan to just idk somehow go in alone and fight the wen overlord mano a mano to avoid any more casualties... a spine made of steel, a heart made of gold, a head made of wood :’) truly a perfect man, good thing his brother got the brains in that family and he has some more sensible people around him

- in the face of inevitability I plead... jiang yanli... please don’t marry this asshole your son is going to be predictably insufferable

wwx has suffered through so much the last four months or so and yet his real breaking point is seeing his sister cry and can I just say -- relatable content

- NO! NO STOP HURTING HIM HE’S JUST GOOD AND HANDSOME AND DOESN’T DESERVE THIS

(could be applied to like 98% of these characters but in this case it’s nmj b/c I love him)

I do find it very funny and oddly comforting that nmj is literally so fuckn mad that it takes three times as many attacks for the evil sorcery stuff to take him down than we’ve seen used on anyone else fsdkfhasdkj too angry to die

wHY has my brain chosen for me to attach so deeply to perhaps The single most inevitably doomed person in this entire cast, at this point I’m just being cruel to myself lol

- I can’t describe how much I love the fanficiness of this story, in the best ways. the emotional fallout from the destruction of the lotus pier gets more screentime and attention than the entire sunshot campaign, and that’s exactly how I want it to be.

- they’ve been doing some great work to establish that the jin are also jeeeeeerks for such a long time, how’s that for foreshadowing

- equal opportunity traitor jgy gets his stab in lol one must respect the grift, though, he’s set himself up pretty darn good

*lxc stops nmj from killing jgy, hello darkness my old friend starts playing in the background*

fatal journey builds nicely on this fundamental thing that the nie boys take their responsibility to their people extremely seriously, it seems to be the fact that jgy so blithely talks about them as necessary casualties that really sets him off

- adlfsdfhsdkjh lxc and nmj meekly being like ‘...we could maybe... not commit war crimes? if that’s at all possible? no?’

*slaps ‘I don’t think you even tried at all’ stars on both of them* (I mean I actually do kind of see where they’re coming from a bit, they just came out of a pretty costly war and I wouldn’t feel too comfortable getting right back into it with arguably the wealthiest faction, who’s also been keeping back a bit and thus kept a lot more reserves. well played jin bastards well played)

- I could stop here. if I stopped here everything would basically be as okay as they could be and the world full of hope still. I suppose the question here is... do I love myself enough to quit while the going is good. and the answer is no I already started the next episode

- I think one incredibly endearing aspect of this version of nmj is that he has a look of faint but permanent worry about him. he walked onto the screen with a vibe of ‘...oh boy I don’t like where this is going’ and he’s just kept going ever since

in the book he’s kind of a flat character (whose one trait is Mad), I love that they’ve given him some depth and nuance here! probably partly down to the actor doing a great job, but this version has a real sort of warmth to him and also seems downright uncertain at times -- he thrives when there’s a clear goal and black and white sides, and is probably not t h r i l l e d with the weird tentative political situation after they take down the wens lol. thank god he has his little brother to make ‘bitch please’ faces over his shoulder when the jin get weird about things

anyway I’m always on the ‘nhs you are SO valid’ train, but in this version nhs is quadruple valid, in fact only mianmian is more valid in this entire world

- one of my favourite parts of this show is when wwx enters a situation and the camera takes some time to zoom in on the faces of his family and friends to convey their sense of ‘oh god what the fuck is he about to say now’ dread

- jiang yanli asking her little brother if he doesn’t want to stay with them anymore while crying is emotional kryptonite, help

this poor woman, she had to put all her points into emotional intelligence b/c god knows no one else in this family did

- hell YEAH lan zhan go break some rules!! treat yourself my guy

- hey sis if, theoretically, one hypothetically found oneself in -- for the sake of argument -- love with, as the case may or may not be, someone... how would one tell?? asking for a friend

- the whole summary of this fucking show is just ‘weaponized sibling feels’ everything hurts with foreknowledge why did I keep going

- aw no blindfolded kiss scene but here’s a scene with real earnest emotional intimacy stuff going on instead... I will joyfully take it your honor

- I do value and respect the translators giving us these subtitles so much... but they did also force me to read the words ‘bosom friend’ with my own two eyes right there and that was not very cool of them

- why oh WHY must jiang yanli, best person in the world, have been cursed with the horrible fate of being in love with the dumbest man on the planet

*jiang yanli juggling all the idiot men in her life* oh god my little brother is causing an international diplomatic incident again time to bUCKLE UP

oh ho ho you know shit is getting real when big sister gets mad I LOVE HER. suddenly you see she definitely her mother’s daughter after all lol

wwx crying because his sister just fiercely defended him in public... im uwu

- I hate jgy with all my heart but I do feel bad for him too. his barely faltering :) look while all his asshole relatives gang up on him sdfhskahf

- again the jin are dicks but when it comes to aesthetics they do go off, that’s such a beautiful shade of blue

- dsflhsdakjlfhsdakjfl sd this shot of lwj and nmj right before lxc drinks is the funniest framing imaginable b/c lwj is wearing a look of complete stonefaced

-___________-

and meanwhile nmj, who presumably has seen lxc drunk before since they’re longstanding bros, looks worried as fUCK

- awwwww I do love nhs capitalizing all of jc’s attention so the others won’t start shit with him/so he won’t get to say something publicly he’ll regret later because he’s (understandably honestly) mad at his brother for making his life even more difficult than it has to be (I have every sympathy with wwx but buddy... buddy must you make everything more complicated for your bro every darn time this is a real delicate political situation and he’s not suited for that even without your antics)

it’s a very nhs move because he comes across as slightly boorish and rude and thus leaves jc blameless and thus protected, you can get so far if you have no self respect lol

- showing us exactly how wen ning died is honestly a little too mean this is not fun

- good god this poor grandma has been through the wringer hasn’t she

- oh. oh wen ning, who never meant hurt anyone in his entire life :(

- listen okay the end is in sight just a couple more horrific tragedies to get through and then it’s the weird romantic comedy buddy cop antics of the current day timeline to ride to the end

- it cannot be overemphasized how much this lan zhan is Baby, I so desperately want to help and protect him

- I’m going to stop shouting out individual actors on this show they’re all goddamn brilliant haha (but am I tho)

- most valid person in the cultivation world mianmian

also enjoying the exemplification of nmj’s character that is ‘not sure how I feel about this dumb kid with the big mouth digging his own grave ever deeper but that girl’s got guts and I respect that’

- wen quing is getting a taste of the dangers and pitfalls of having wwx as a little brother dfhskdalfhsdaklj she and jyl should compare notes (he’s so good tho T-----T)

- how does wwx’s actor have such natural dad energy at such a young age, too powerful

- people give so little thought to how fucked up jc’s situation really is here, like he’s just being an asshole for the sake of it. spend three fucking seconds looking at it with some realpolitik in mind and realize that the clans around him have just shown that they can and will wipe out an enemy clan together if need be, and that his own sect hasn’t even gotten back on its feet after the war that almost wiped it out. like wwx is unquestionably morally right but has gone about it in such a way that it’s real fucking hard to support him without going down with him and how do you calculate that risk when you’re responsible for so many more lives than your own

also so sad about jc being so afraid this entire time that wwx would leave him like everyone else... and now he has :( jc doesn’t handle it well but then who would at this stage

- there is something so pure about a quietly horrified lan zhan getting Dad Advice from these guys (well he’s going to be needing it soon enough so)

oh the utter softness of his face looking at wwx and ah yuan ;_______; thank god, some fluff to bolster my heart before we set off into the last harrowing ordeal here

LAN ZHAN’S ENTIRE FACE LIGHTING UP AT WEI YING ASKING HIM OUT thank fuck there’s still some joy left in the universe

this poor love struck man, someone help him

lan zhan conscientiously grabbing ah yuan’s toys is fskhdfksjdlfhskjdhf

- lan zhan looking around the demon subduing cave: babe I love you more than life itself but this is tacky as hell

- crying because wen niiiiiing

- crying because sibliiiiiings

okay this is the last time the three of them will be together and nominally happy, need to appreciate it through my tears

- actually I take it back please just let the bad thing happen now so I don’t have to live in suspense anymore lol (...this probably says a lot more about me as a person than I’m strictly comfortable with)

- the fact that none of wwx’s little adopted wen family are AT ALL intimidated by him anymore is just... it’s too much to bear

again tho this book/show is so willing to let you dwell in the emotional stages of things in a very fanfic sort of way, I think it’s what makes the sad parts so much worse (and makes you feel so incredibly attached to these characters)

- I gUESS it’s a testament to jin zixuan’s character that he has any decency at all, considering who his dad is and where he was raised

I’m cracking up at their dad being the one who still doesn’t trust jgy tho lol snake recognizes snake

- jgy’s faint look of ‘are you fucking kIdDiNg me rn’ whenever all these jin douchebags talk is very entertaining. if he didn’t go on to do all that murder and incest and (probably) infanticide I’d sort of cheer for him no matter what kind of sociopath he is

- not to be a downer or anything but isn’t one month a little premature to be celebrating the survival of a baby in fantasy old timey china tho

sometimes I feel like looking back at history is just seeing a whole lot of dead children (and this is why I think that even if god did exist it would be morally inconceivable to worship him! sorry just a quick detour into my personal grudge against the inherent cruelty of the world there, let’s move on)

- it’s uncomfortable to watch even the outlines of the jin sect’s slow insidious stranglehold on power. even these random shopgoing nobodies know that nmj is Not Happy about these watchtowers and that it’s probably going to happen anyway. the jin are snakes but at least they’re clever about it and I do kind of respect that

- oh everything’s about to go so wrong I hate it

NOOOOO don’t make the zombie baby fight, nothing good will come of this

- man this is hitting me worse than lotus pier actually I’m just... crying haha

it’s almost cathartic tho... there’s something about wen quing’s dignity and certainty that really helps? I just really wish they hadn’t brought the whole little group, god I want them to be okay so badly and ah yuan will be all that’s left and. and just throw me into the ocean and let me sink tbh

- I know this is all so much black cgi smoke (pls let us see the red version again at some point btw that was cool as shit) but the emotional metaphor of wwx that you can’t take on more and more of other people’s suffering and trauma and not care for yourself because you will lose control of that at some point is just. very nicely done. (he’s a bit of an odd serial codependent for a lot of the story, isn’t he. thank god lan zhan is not a quitter)

- jin zixuan’s mom is breaking my heart a little here. this lady has been married to THAT GUY all this time and now this as well. sorry lady, I guess jgy probably Took Care Of You at some stage after this

- a) this is just real good acting for wwx. this is the perfect level of unhinged for this, even though I’m always like ‘just. just shut your mouth for one time in your life and stop digging this grave any deeper six feet should be enough for anyone huh’ at this stage of the story and b) I am cackling inappropriately at the shot-reverse-shots between wwx, jiang cheng and jgy. jiang cheng looks like everything he ever loved is falling apart around him and jgy is like ‘oh wow I didn’t even have to provide him any rope he’s doing an excellent job at hanging himself without me’

I love wwx so much but it did take him an unconscionable length of time to realize that when you set big enough things into motion you will not be able to control who it crushes along the way or who might steer it in the wrong direction. other people exist and have agency and a lot of those people are bad honey :(

- ah yes lwj being stopped by a barrier made of the physical manifestation of wwx’s trauma when he tries to reach him :’) this is okay and cool and fine

- it’s admirably obtuse of everyone to look at wwx at this stage and still think he’s in control of uh anything lol

- oh okay that went better than expected I don’t know if I’m just inured to sadness at this point

jiang cheng looking like a little boy clutching his big sister’s body is tugging at my heartstrings a bit tho

- ooooh this battle hardened intense lwj!!! I guess I can sort of see it now

- oh lan zhan 2, electric boogaloo

- finally! time for some comfort up in this hurt

- my man nmj still so fucking angry in the afterlife that anything even remotely connected to him is shaking with rage in sympathy in the real world. a mood

- fdsahfsjdklfhsdajk wwx being like ‘I can take everyone saying I was evil but how DARE you not mention I was also a snacc’

- when do you think nie huaisang really realized that his brother wouldn’t have children and that he was up for the sect leader seat next? nie mingjue seems to have known pretty far in advance himself and tried to prepare his brother accordingly, but that kid really didn’t want the job so I imagine he’d try to live in denial as long as possible

vaguely related: no other family is ever mentioned by either brother or anyone else, and nie huaisang straight out says that he is the only main disciple (I seem to remember and with the caveat that I might have misunderstood the translation) when there’s the talk of them being sent to the wen as hostages -- I suppose you sort of have to be very selective when your ancestral cultivation method is sketchy enough that you should keep that shit on the down low and you know people die young from it. so I think it’s possible if not probable that huaisang is the last of his family. isn’t that a fun little thing to think about? haha. ha. help me

- this random street vendor is an unexpected strong comedy performance, every face he makes is pure gold

- fkshafkjsdhfasd best introduction of adult nhs

- the quiet luminous love on lwj’s face whenever he looks at wwx in the present... give this man all the awards. it’s nice that wwx gets to be scared and childish and vulnerable with someone who loves him no matter what too, he’s been through some shit

- oh okay I see so the reason they chose to make fatal journey the way they did was because they already had the set built

- *nhs dropping one set of robes like that one gif from anastasia to reveal another even more luxuriously dandy-ish set under it* oh wow what a surprise to see you two down here, coincidences amirite (anyway here’s the testament to all the sins of my ancestors & a trail of breadcrumbs to lead you to the murderer of my brother)

no wait that’s slightly later isn’t it. well the point still stands

- dead!nmj is truly a mood -- “I don’t know where I am, who I am or what the fuck just happened but I do know that I am PISSED OFF”

(actually in the book I found that almost comforting -- at least the dude got to spend his afterlife doing what he loved (i.e. being angry), but this more nuanced and sympathetic version being trapped like that just. makes me very very sad)

nice of him to stick around to play a few rounds of hot or cold with his little bro’s friends tho lol. I mean from what I understand of this take on canon it’s actually the spirit of his sword and not him in person? but close enough, let me keep him as long as I can okay

- jin ling getting his dumb ass cask of amontillado’d within ten minutes of entering the tomb smh

look at your ROBES young man what is your (other) uncle going to say??

- hAH what did I say. pedagogic mastermind jiang cheng at it again

enjoying the fact that they chose the floofiest most benign-looking of dogs to play this ~*terrifying hound*~ so much

I have a lot of sympathy for jiang cheng, and the actor is doing a good job at aging him up here (not as good as lwj’s but then you can’t beat perfection). the way he’s calcified into bitterness and anger b/c he can’t express his emotions in a healthy nuanced way feels very... real I guess, people get like that sometimes

- I am somehow really endeared to this version of jin ling. a dumb baby, but a baby

- poor lan zhan lol “I LEFT YOU ON YOUR OWN FOR TWO HOURS AND YOU ALREADY MANAGED TO TAKE ON SOMEONE ELSE’S CURSE??? BABE!!!!!!!”

he consistently uses jiang cheng’s personal name too huh. well it is his brother in law I guess ETA: actually I’m an idiot ignore/forgive me, that’s jiang cheng’s courtesy name isn’t it. lan wangji is being salty/maybe-deliberately-maybe-not-(but-definitely-tho) distant/polite with him I think

- y’know... as I watch lwj carry the love of his life around on his back with all the tenderness in the world and I see people in the comments yell about why do you always need everything to be gay they’re just good friends you’re all crazy... I realize all over again that there really is no level of queerness they’ll ever find legitimate or acceptable. which like. feels bad, but there’s also the freedom in remembering they are always going to be assholes no matter what I do, there’s literally no need to listen to them at any time.

- I am CRACKING UP; watching this episode right after seeing fatal journey sure is a treat hahaha. nhs really must enjoy the acting on a deep level because he is hamming it up and I am living for it

“It’s nothing at all like unorthodox demonic cultivation methods!” he protests with his big innocent doe eyes, having yelled the exact same accusation at his brother within ten seconds of finding out about it dsfdskjha

- awww that’s such a sweet way of telling nhs who he is while both of them still get plausible deniability :’)

this show is making it a LOT easier to figure out nhs’ deal earlier just through visual storytelling and his reactions when lwj and wwx aren’t looking, but I guess you sort of have to do that without the benefits of selective POVs that you can do in written stories

- lan zhan’s little smirks are such a blessing

- can we talk about how INCREDIBLY rude lwj and wwx are being barging into other people’s ancestral tombs like they own the place. I know I said break some rules lan zhan but there’s such a thing as common decency too at least wipe your feet at the entrance or something

stop being big bullies!!! (nhs actually sounds a little salty at how debonair they are being lol he’s like yeah you’re doing what I want you to but you don’t have to be such dicks about it)

- nooooooo nmj don’t die ur so sexy ahaha (I jest so I do not cry godddddd my heart big brother come baaaaaaack)

I’m honestly finding it very hard to live with knowing that the last thing nmj saw in life was jgy having his little brother in his clutches D:D:D: looking at it like that... of course he came back mad as fuck, I’d probably do the same thing

- boys boys I love and support you but could you maybe not stand around talking about how this was totally a horrific murder like the murderee’s little brother isn’t standing right there?? i mean it’s useful for him but it’s kind of mean of you, I know neither of you were raised in a barn

okay there’s wwx irrepressible protective instinct that’s better. I just... nhs standing there looking small and sad and soft and lonely isn’t the whole truth but it is part of the whole truth, it’s nice to see wwx being like this even after all those years. (the physical closeness in their friendship in their youth in this version is so gooood. outside of wwx the only two people we see nhs consistently allow close or seek out closeness from is his brother and MENG YAO, who can frankly burn in hell even more than usual for the flute thing in fatal journey.)

- lan zhan contemplating the inherent impermanence of everything good in the world and then immediately getting blackout drunk -- MOOD. also I have never seen a scene where someone so obviously was about to press a soft kiss to someone’s forehead or cheek, don’t worry wwx I see you through the censorship lol

(it’s incredible how well they’ve adapted the love story considering the fact that they technically uh can’t)

- wen ning: shambles, zombie-like and disheveled with horror movie monster eyes, into frame

all of us: omg a BABY ToT

- live action drunk lan zhan is living up to the hype I am d y i n g

this poor repressed man

fjskdfsdkjhf he could do sword fighting in his damn sleep probably

I will say that leaving ‘wei wuxian was also here’ is going to scare the crap out of these poor people whose only crime was keeping well fed chickens

- they r so in love someone hold me

- this nmj!kid I am LOSING IT, this is so cute I want to lie face down on the floor and cry

- the yi city arc is my least favourite part of this story, so I’m fortifying myself to get through a couple of hours of sexy baby xue yang here

- Dad/troll teacher!wwx is in fact everything

- oooh wwx has the same weird crooked fingers as me when they’re extended! just some small Facts About Your Friendly Neighbourhood Blogger there

- this is not at all a bad take on ah quing! she qte

- ‘what’s your husband look like?’ song lan, crying: beautiful

- xxc you didn’t think it was a little weird the dude wouldn’t tell you his name -- even a name -- all this time. honestly

I know you’re in a bad place and this is sort of a rebound thing from your actual true love but stop letting him gaslight you like this buddy :(

- time for some MASSIVELY FORESHADOWING PARALLELS my friends

- I don’t know if I’m just a heartless monster but I honestly don’t care that much about anyone but ah quing in this little sideplot lol (probably my complete disinterest in xue yang tainting everything else)

- xue yang and jgy: the ‘sad backstory dude still inexplicably extra mass murder’ club

- godddd I’m so bored I’ve listened to this guy cackle ~*madly and evilly*~ for three episodes now when will it fucking end

- lan jingjy you are VALID

- fhsdkfhsdkj can’t get over baxia being like ‘OI you two stop gazing soulfully into each other’s eyes for five seconds and get on with avenging me’

must be annoying spending your afterlife in a pouch third wheeling the two most obnoxiously in love people in the world, I think this spirit sword is being admirably restrained and patient all things considered

- big brother I am so sorry you had to hang out under there all this time while this boring bullshit plot happened above you ;________________________;

I’m actually not clear on what the nie sect does with the bodies of the dead -- the saber tomb seems to be exclusively for the weapons/we see that some of the cultivators will go down there while they’re still alive to sacrifice themselves... maybe they go in the walls? I guess nhs is breaking tradition in a lot of ways tho so who knows!

- ‘from what I’ve seen he’s not so bad’ wei ying he smilingly asked you to use POWs for target practice I’ll allow lxc to be this dumb but you really have no excuse

- this duckling in red is a gentleman and a bro, one to watch

- wwx seductively arranging himself in the open window to cover his panic fsdkjfhsda

- lot’s wife WISHES she had the level of salt jiang cheng does

- ‘if they ask me any weird questions I don’t know the answers to I’ll have to pretend to be a total psycho’

lan zhan, dragging his husband with one deadpan face: I’m sure that is going to be a huge feat of acting for you babe

- NIE HUAISANG FALLING INTO FRAME AND LAUNCHING HIMSELF FROM ONE PERSON TO ANOTHER LIKE A GORMLESS WET RAG, I STAN ONE (1) BOY

‘but new problems appeared’ how is he such a mood

again tho you can give your unknowing accomplices so much space to investigate if you just don’t bother with self respect or dignity at any stage of the journey lol

- fjshdfkjlsahd that beat of lan zhan clearly taking a moment to contemplate the idea of wei ying confessing his love naked in public there

- uncle and nephew bonding time T________________T

- fsakfhsadkjlfhsad I can’t deal with this mission impossible ass music in the background as a little paper gingerbread man scoots around the palace

whoever animated this was clearly having a lot of fun, I love the little details like his dangling legs and him rubbing his lil paper bum after landing

- poor qin su, one of the most screwed over people in this whole show. at least in the book he didn’t mean to

- ah su, you’re being very unreasonable about this, what is a little incest between friends

- straight culture is this being chill to keep in the adaptation but god forbid anyone got a loving queer kiss at any point (not blaming the showrunners at all, they’re clearly stretching the limits as far as they will go and maybe a bit more at a few points)

- YES SISTER CALL HIM THE FUCK OUT I always felt like she’s known something was a little off for a long time but never could put her finger on what exactly

- ‘can you still not let me go’ hey jgy you piece of shit who’s keeping whose head in a weird serial killer cabinet here

- THANK YOU FOR BRINGING HIS HANDSOME ALIVE FACE BACK TO MY SCREEN IF ONLY TO MAKE ME SAD

- he’s so beautiful and righteous and strong 😭😭😭😭 dage come back to us

(makes even more sense that he’s so pissed off about what jgy did if he’s already shown clearly that he’ll shut down the people fucking with him if it’s brought to his attention. he gave you every opportunity you little oh-it’s-never-really-my-fault worm of a man)

- another nmj about to cry warning needed here help me

dON’T FUCKING TOUCH HIM YOU SLIMY FSKJLDHFKSJDHFSKDJLHF

the nie traits are undying loyalty, rage, and the intergenerational trauma of watching your parental figures succumb to death and madness through the same cultivation path you practice

- my cause of death: nmj’s eyes shining with unshed tears

this version has that edge of vulnerability to him, you suddenly do realize he was once just a kid watching his dad die a horrifying death and then having to take on all that responsibility and raising his brother

nie boys unfailingly devoted to the people under their protection I’m gonna go bury myself under a tree or something

- I’ve had to turn the volume down so I can barely hear anything b/c my emotions are too big to for my dumb body to contain already I can’t listen to this

- extremely sad but also a little funny that part of the reason nmj died was that he had no interest whatsoever in the arts. ‘music is music right?’ says local jock

- I’ve just been whimpering the last twenty minutes this is awful

- huaisang’s voice breaking on ‘big brother, it’s me’... sdlakhgsdjklfhsadjkghsdkjlfhdskljhgsdalkhgsdklgjhsdjklhgkdjslhgjskd I’m going to the bottom of the mariana trench and I’m staying there goodbye

- I can’t wait to watch nie huaisang end this putrid trash man’s whole career in the most devastating way possible tbh

- I’m just so SAD T______________________________T I hate jgy so much my heart burns with it I’m so glad he’s about to get some dramatic irony shoved up his -- but I digress

- haha poor jin ling standing there watching all this messed up shit like ‘O.O thanks i’m nine’

- I wish I was as good at passing the fuck out on command as nhs, I feel like it would solve a lot of my problems

- just some low key soulmate shit no biggie

- wwx is basically fantasy old timey naked again here the SCANDAL except no scandal they’re clearly married

- wwx is being so much more patient with lxc than I would have found it in my heart to be at this stage. he’s like ‘lxc you are my brother in law and I truly appreciate you and everything you’ve done for me but it’s sadly up to me to gently confront you with all the ways you’ve been a dumb ho just b/c you think jgy has pretty dimples 😔’

- “You’re not qualified to talk to me” oh lwj I love you so much. I thought committing murder was forbidden by the lan sect rules but there you go

- it honestly baffles me that some people think nmj would be the strictest parental figure in this universe when a) everything about huaisang suggests otherwise and b) lan qiren is right there

madam yu has that ‘super unforgiving to her son’s face but will also tear anyone criticizing him a new one’ mixed energy too

- lqr: I raised a perfect obedient righteous cultivator

me & wei ying: you’ve ruined a perfectly good boy is what you did look at him he’s too repressed to breathe

- well their dad clearly paid enough attention to worldly matters that two kids resulted from it, I’m not quite sure where we’re going with this lxc

one’s an accident two’s a pattern etc.

- wow I was so confused about ‘confidante’ being used here b/c it makes absolutely no sense in context, and the comments helpfully informed me that it’s more accurately translated to ‘soulmate’ or something like that; that does make a whole lot more sense yeah

- bb!lan zhan kneeling in the snow is more than anyone’s supposed to have to live with tbh

- lxc being like ‘so yeah my brother will keep loving people long after they’re gone and unable to give him love back! just a fun fact there, something to think about anyway here’s wonderwall’

- soft, ever-so-slightly messy haired at home lan zhan deserves the world

- oh wwx’s shift away from thinking the truth doesn’t matter at all to realizing the truth of you being held fully and with love by one person in your life is enough as lwj plays their song ;______________________________; this is almost more romantic than a kiss scene would be honestly jesus christ

- little apple is the best of us tbh

- apologies but they have 100% started to fuck off-screen at this stage, the looks wei ying is giving him dsafasdfhsjkd

- I take it back mianmian and little apple are the best of us

- imagine just finding the light bearing lord, second peerless jade of lan in his immaculate white clothes, peeking out from between your hay bales one day

- the exponential increase in lan zhan’s blessed little smiles lately: my oh-they-fawking thesis is validated yet again

- wei ying lying through his teeth: of course I remembered your face at once who do you take me for

(lan zhan: smirks in quiet satisfaction)

- walejhgskdjhgsjdaklfhsadjkflafhsjakdsf wen ning is so cute I don’t know what to do with myself

- wei ying this is where you first asked him out of course he remembers

- lan zhan is like ‘oh shit I forgot to tell him about our son and at this point I’m kind of embarrassed to bring it up’

- I am NOT thinking about the lotus pond they made for him here, you can’t make me

- ‘the worst time in their lives’ yeah, but there was such love there too. it h u r t s

- the actor for wen ning is so good at making his expressions look deeply earnest but also a little uncanny, like moving his face doesn’t come naturally to him anymore but his Good Boyness shines through

- DRAGGED in public by his own son. rip wwx he had a good run of it before his untimely murder

- wow thank goodness sect leader yao survived all this time, his death would as we all know have been a huge loss to society as a whole

- “I’m just here to round up the numbers” I love him more than I can convey to you in words

I’m a simple person, I hear nhs’ chronically befuddled voice and a burst of pure joy is released in my heart

sdfhjksadhfsad his soft little 😕 face peeking out from behind people’s shoulders fkjsdhfsdjal

- will I ever get enough of nhs masterfully manipulating a situation through his own apparent cowardliness and uselessness? no is the answer to that it’s always entrancing to watch

nhs as a teacher, nodding sagely as his disciples exchange glances: it’s never too late to go home instead of going big. saying ‘fuck this i’m outta here’ is always an option

- also nhs seemingly doesn’t use a saber at all anymore, where he at least used to have one back in fatal journey times. I’m very happy he’s trying some new things, time to break that very sad traumatic chain of dying young and furious

also him getting someone else to do the work of fixing the ward or whatever fskdfhaskdlf

teacher nhs, waving his pupils away b/c he’s busy painting or something: class dismissed. and remember, if at all possible, get someone else to do your homework for you. as long as you don’t get caught that’s an automatic A

- wwx is literally the cat surrounded by knives meme here lol

- lol lol lol wwx just removed his outer tunic thing to reveal lan zhan’s undershirt still under there and you can see lan qiren silently seethe with ‘that little hussy has seduced my nephew away from the righteous path’

(do I personally believe in slut shaming of any kind? nah it’s dumb as fuck. do I think lqr does? yeah)

- hahaha I can’t tell if nhs’ slightly glazed look here is b/c wwx did something he didn’t plan for him to do or if it’s because he’s for all intents and purposes half naked in front of them. (tbh I think there’s a case to be made in this version that he has a sort of wistful would-never-act-on-it-for-a-million-different-reasons-lan-zhan’s-furious-jealous-stare-being-foremost-of-them crush on both wwx and lwj from back when they were teens)

- WOW all these dicks inviting themselves to lotus pier!!! r u d e

- lan zhan flexing on lan qiren by raising a happy well adjusted child even while he’s mourning the love of his life: what like it’s hard

- wen ning kept that toy for sixteen goddamn years don’t touch me

- I’m crying about jin ling give me a moment. he is baby okay he’s even younger than ah yuan by at least four years

the image of him hugging the only thing he’s got left of his dad... fsdalkfhasdjlkfhsjdakhfsjdk

- lan sizhui has a crowd of good uncles/dads and poor jin ling has a crowd of utter disaster uncles and it’s very unfortunate (yes wwx is on both of those lists)

it is very sweet that it’s jiang cheng who consistently actually looks out for him, even in his feelings-wtf-are-feelings sort of way. the least disaster uncle, but only by comparison lol

- I think this ouyang kid might be duckling in red from before? LOVING the interspersed nhs reaction shots to him, anyway fsakdfh (I’m going to make it sad: how many conversations like this do you think he had with his brother as a kid? that’s fine we can both cry now I don’t want to be alone in this)

- ‘mr ning’ im Y___________________________________Y

- extremely Here for yet another full costume change from nhs hahaha (he’s changed at the boat already, god knows how he pulled that off but I’d expect no less from him)

- nhs must have been a sect leader for at least a decade at this point, and he still manages to exude such a powerful ‘kid at the adult’s table’ aura. incredible. mindblowing, inspirational

- ...oh they went with the same version of the previous jin leader’s death huh (but GOD FORBID that anyone should be openly gay amirite lol) O___O again though WHY is jin ling here, jiang cheng??????? he’s like sixteen, he’s never going to dare to even kiss anyone after this

- nhs has the look of a man who’s had to sit on this disgusting knowledge alone for years and finally gets to share that icky burden around, merry christmas everyone if I have to know about this so do you

- I don’t know if this is just me imagining things or reading more into it than what’s there, but I think nhs is actually sitting in the same pose his brother used to a lot in this part of the scene (the upright posture with palms resting at the top of the thighs/hips, fingers turned inwards/towards each other; it looks sort of... solid and self-contained, I guess)

- I would call jgy knowingly committing the incest character assassination if he’d had enough character to assassinate even in the book, I would never have put it past him

- y’know... god knows nmj had flaws (I think my immense depth of love for him in this version comes precisely from how hard he tries even while being deeply flawed. him dumb but him always trying :’) well actually he’s not dumb at all, he’s shown to be pretty darn politically savvy, I’m just having a hard time finding the right word here. ‘inflexible’ is maybe closer ), but the big defining difference between him and jin guangyao (and consequently xue yang) is that both of the latter are completely open about the fact that they see themselves as more important than anyone else -- xue yang considers one of his fingers worth more than fifty people’s lives, jgy kills twenty sex workers as a mere afterthought to his own revenge on his father. meanwhile nmj gets Messed Up by people dying under his protection to the degree that he came up with one of the dumbest plans I’ve ever heard just so he’d be the only one at risk, just so no one else would get hurt anymore. hmnghsjhfs.

- wen ning, proudly: my sister was the best doctor in the world

me, openly crying: she sure was buddy

- wwx: hey lan zhan are there any sweet patient lan ladies with an open mind around

lwj: ...why

wwx: I just think our zombie son should start thinking about getting friends, maybe even a real home

lwj, subtly relieved: oh

- JIN LING BABY BOY NOOOO D:D:D:

- nhs I need you to come in and end this man I cannot look at his awful face anymore

- ugh this garrotte sound effect is really unpleasant actually well done

- THERE HE IS!!! conveniently swooning his way into the scene again, my guy ;_______; smol and soft-looking and about to utterly obliterate a man on every conceivable level

I love every moment of the camera dwelling meaningfully on his innocent vulnerable face, this is going to be so great

it’s too bad he’s a behind the curtain sort of dude, I would kill for a poirot-style ‘I’m sure you’re all wondering why I’ve gathered you here in the library’ moment here lol

- tbh jiang cheng’s got a point about that whole ‘making huge sweeping decisions about someone else’s life and never telling them about it’ thing

wwx has sort of structured himself as a person so that you’ll never be allowed to really reciprocate his dedication and sacrifices (unless you’re lz lol), and while that is a very sympathetic trauma reaction essentially it is sort of a dick move interpersonally.

- the weight and wisdom that comes along with the scars of older wwx... you love to see it

- nhs, with effortless grace, rousing from his disney princess slumber just as the real drama’s about to begin... your honor he is simply the best

- T__________________________________________________________T big brother

- the tinge of coldness in nhs’ eyes while he watches jgy through this whole scene even as he keeps up the ‘im baby don’t worry about me’ act.............. fashdfjlksdahfslkadj, not to say askfksjhafkjsldhfkjsalhfksjaldhfkls

- to say that jgy has perhaps ‘gone overboard with this’ might be the biggest understatement of any century lxc

- watching him kneel by his brother’s coffin here I’d like to propose that Nie Huaisang has exactly the same capacity for all-consuming rage as the rest of his family, except he can’t just vent it by hitting something real hard with a haunted murder saber so he has to get creative and that was real unfortunate for Jin Guangyao

- one thing that’s always tickled me is that nhs did give jgy the choice. the people around him -- the people he claims to love -- could have been left out of it, no dishonor being brought to either his name or any of theirs... if he’d been willing to sacrifice himself. (probably a gambit where he knew that was never going to happen, but still!)

- nhs standing there in the background like ‘yeah yeah we all have horrifying family legacies buddy, we just don’t knowingly marry our sisters or arrange for mass murders over it’

- arguably killing the previous jin leader could actually count as a good deed if not for the horrifying way he did it lol. jgy all over, he could have done something helpful, *john mulaney voice* and then he didn’t he just killed nineteen innocent women while he was on a roll instead

- while it’s sort of bullshit that some responsibility is taken away from wwx in jin zixuan’s death here it’s also making a bit more sense to me like this -- seems like an uncharacteristic gamble from jgy to just idk hope wwx would lose control at exactly the right/wrong moment. wwx is still at fault for how casually he treated wen ning as a weapon when he didn’t know what the consequences could be, I’m okay with this

- jin ling and the terrible horrible no good very bad week :( protect him

wow lan xicheng let’s stand around some more letting this awful excuse for a person tell this sixteen year old boy that his parents deserved to be murdered basically, I’m sure there’s a lot more fruitful discussion still left to be had here

- talk shit about nie mingjue’s brother get hit su she hell YEAHHHHHH

big brother still looking out for him I’m fsdklfhajsdlhf 😭😭😭

- I’M SO FULL OF FEELINGS ;________________________________; at least in this version the implication feels more like he’s finally at peace? (hilariously wwx managed to purge/cleanse the saber spirit, which is the entire conflict of fatal journey haha, nhs really did get his best friend to do his homework for him yet again, INSPIRATIONAL)

- HELL YEAH FINALLY GET REKT YOU PIECE OF SHIT! PRESS F TO PAY RESPECT EXCEPT JOKE’S ON YOU I’VE GOT NO RESPECT TO PAY

They did do away with any and all ambiguity around nhs here and I’m totally cool with it, that was awesome

- I’m playing the world’s tiniest little violin right now, wow much sad fuck you and your dumb hat

- may I just say that the fact that jgy uses his last moments on earth to make lxc, a person he proclaims to love, feel as bad as possible about his now inevitable death even though it clearly wasn’t really his fault... is just proof that he has never actually loved anyone at all except possibly himself

contrast with wwx, who tells jc that he’s sorry, dries his tears in the here and now and says to let the past go because there’s nothing either of them can do about it now and there’s no point in hurting themselves over it again and again anymore. jgy has the opportunity to give a similar kindness here and instead twists and twists the knife, so lxc will be in as much pain as possible when he’s gone. he’d rather be kept alive in lxc’s suffering than let him, someone he ‘loves’, ever heal and be happy. anyway I hope hell is real shitty for you jgy

- jgy you absolute piece of shit you couldn’t let my man have TEN FUCKING MINUTES to nap in peace? after sixteen years of your fuckery? urgh bye

- nhs looking at lxc sadly when lxc can’t see him... one last ‘I don’t know’ finally closing out his arc... I love all of this so much, there’s such a nuance of... he is genuinely a bit sad about causing lxc pain but he also doesn’t regret what he did At All. (I guess most of what he’s done must be pretty easy to rationalize/justify to himself, since the vast majority of his work went into finding the horrible shit jgy has done and showing them the way home to roost, rather than creating fresh suffering from scratch. and then there’s also the whole mo family but uh well eggs omelettes amirite lol)

- lan qiren telling people not to run or talk loudly b/c they’re at a temple, even under these circumstances fhakjsldfhkjsdafhkjsaldhf

- god the casting people for this show have a perfect track record of finding heartwrenchingly cute kids my GOD

- jfdsafhaskdjfh I love how they’ve done the moment with the hat -- the way the flashback sort of indicates that nhs does recognize on a deep level that the dude he just killed was someone’s son, was after all once an innocent child, like anyone... and again, it doesn’t make him regret it. he looks tired and sort of empty, but not like he’d take any of it back. he’s seen jgy for all that he was, good and bad, and made his decision. his reaction to seeing his hands ever so slightly stained with blood is mostly ‘...eh sure’ (and he knows none of this will ever bring his brother back and I am HURTING) . just. I love him so much what an interesting character

- lan zhan raised a child who can talk about his feelings, unprecedented & wondrous

who’s chopping onions in here

- never getting over ah yuan being the best person in the world at roasting his dad

- okay okay okay I’m going to have some incoherent feelings here -- the expression on nhs’ face right after wwx asks him if he intends to be chief cultivator is just... hm. how do I describe this. it looks almost like he’s thinking ‘oh yeah I forgot you don’t actually know me anymore (yeah okay that’s my bad)’? the previous scene is about lwj and wwx, The symbolic representation of true love in this world, naming each other/knowing each other for exactly who and what they are. that’s the thematic victory in this story; to be truly known, accepted and loved for the entirety of who you are, if only by one person in your whole life. (notably all sorts of love, parental, familial, platonic etc., not just romantic/sexual) and to get his victory, nhs has had to completely forsake that because his whole plan hinged on it; he hasn’t been emotionally honest with anyone for well over a decade at this point. no one really knows or understands him, and if someone ever did he’s long dead now and never coming back. and in this one moment both wwx and nhs seem to come to the quiet understanding that neither of them are who they used to be as kids and it’ll never be like it used to be again, and reach a sort of live-and-let-live truce about it. d u d e this goddamn story

(after all part of the reason jgy is so incredibly terrified of nmj is that he’s the first person to see straight through his bullshit to who he is behind it, and that it’s u g l y back there. jgy + nmj = being known without being accepted or loved (b/c honestly he doesn’t deserve to be loved or accepted yeah there we go I said it), jgy + lxc = being accepted and loved without being known, which turns into disaster all around.)

- man this was actually a really solid adaptation, it was excellently done! they did rush a bit towards the end there (it was never explained why jgy didn’t kill sissi along with all the other sex workers in this version, for example, leaving a rather substantial plot hole, and they never reveal why exactly lan zhan had to take over as sect leader which breaks off lxc’s arc at the end), but all in all that was wonderful and even added some stuff I liked better than in the book! now please god never let mtxt write a sequel, just let them be in this happily ever after, all of them have been through enough ;________;

- also the music was truly epic! I don’t even begrudge them using some parts more often and blatantly than what’s probably necessary, I want to wallow in this love theme as much as the next person lol

- what am I going to do with hours upon hours of my life now? I don’t know either, I suppose I will just have to find some way to hobble on

#the untamed #mo dao zu shi #wangxian #nie brothers #(b/c predictably that's what most of my feelings boil down to lol)#meta #I think I might have outdone myself with this; this is a new height of aimless unproductive nonsense even for me lol #I did this instead of working on the edit of the fic I've got nearly finished because... I don't know either guys I just don't know

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skylersummer · 5 years ago

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My Emetophobia: A Year On (PART 1 - Getting CBT and Exposure Therapy)

It’s been just over a year since I wrote my last piece about my emetophobia and I thought it might be helpful for me (and hopefully some others) to revisit the topic, as there has been a fair amount of change in my life.

I know it’s also a little late to say this but I was absolutely overwhelmed by the response from my original post, I am so incredibly glad that I was able to educate and reassure with my writing.

I never in a million years would have even expected to tell someone about my phobia let alone post an article about it on the internet, however it was one of the best things I have ever done. It really reminded me of the importance of sharing anxieties and worries - so so many people got in contact to say that their experiences mirrored mine exactly and I only wish that I had been able to speak up sooner.

So what’s changed? Well, after finally getting back on track with my medications, I decided to refer myself to my local South London mental health service.

[ This comes after paying exactly £100 to a private therapist for two sessions which I never managed to attend. No one really tells you how expensive anxiety can be. I decided to go through the NHS (god bless) because then at least I wouldn’t be literally going broke for appointments I couldn’t bring myself to make. I was in a bad way. ]

I received a relatively quick response from SLAM (South London and Maudsley) and found that I had been put on a 1 year online programme called SilverCloud. Each week I was to be set activities and challenges and had to review my feelings which were then read by a mental health advisor who I was in contact with.

I think that had this been my first involvement with the NHS and their mental health team, it might have been really helpful. However, my programme was aimed at general anxiety and really didn’t target any of the specific symptoms/issues I experience daily with emetophobia. I discharged myself from the course after two weeks and explained to my advisor why I didn’t find it particularly helpful and she put in a request (? can’t remember exactly) with the London Maudsley Hospital to get reviewed for a course of CBT there.

It may have only been a month before I was called into the Maudsley to be assessed by a psychiatrist.

This took around 3 hours, and I basically had to explain the extent of all of my past therapies, medications, symptoms etc. so they knew exactly where I stood.

It turns out I was in a Not Good At All place (not entirely Emetophobia’s fault, but certainly didn’t help).

I received a call maybe a week later from the psychiatrist/psychologist (?) who assessed me and he told me they wanted to put me on a 12 week course of CBT with some Exposure Therapy. He asked if I would be happy to see a student psychologist, as this would mean hopefully getting seen sooner. I said yes of course. He said the waiting list could be up to 9 months. I didn’t even know where I would be living in 9 months. I said thanks.

I think I cried quite a bit at this point. (Don’t take important calls in the Co-Op)

I was already researching into the costs of private therapists instead, as I really didn’t feel like I could physically wait that long. Then a weird miracle happened.

I got a call from the Maudsley Hospital to let me know that a space was available for me, like, immediately.

I began my course of weekly 1 hour sessions with my lovely psychologist.

Luckily, one of the leading psychologists in the country who specialises in SPOV (specific fear of vomit) works at the Maudsley (and was one of my psychologist’s seniors) and The Maudsley Hospital is the UK’s specialist clinic for emetophobics. Also it was 10 minutes away from my flat.

I am not going to go through every session as I am aware this is getting quite long but I do want to explain the course I was on a little.

During my first session we discussed (obviously) my phobia of vomit and we made a chart explaining all the things I was scared of specifically, what measures I put in place to control these situations to make myself less afraid and then we wrote a list of goals for myself. These goals ranged from long term (Travel the World!) that wouldn't be achievable in 12 weeks but also smaller ones like Travel Without A Water Bottle.

Over the next few weeks I was set challenges to complete outside of the sessions, to stop myself creating this barrier in every day situations. So I eventually stopped carrying rescue remedy spray, water, anti-nausea tablets, heat patches, even headphones, all things that I didn’t think I could leave the house without in case I was or felt sick.

My psychologist told me that having these safety nets as well as my constant texts to friends and family whenever I felt anxious, seeking reassurance, were exacerbating the fear and giving it too much control over my life. She also said that dwelling on a feeling of sickness, can often make it feel worse, than say just ignoring it or distracting yourself. She asked what would happen if I realised I didn’t have my anti-nausea tablets or water with me, and I realised that I needed to learn to live ‘normally’ (aka not like an emetophobic) and not rely on these coping mechanisms, to avoid further panic if I discovered I didn’t have these things with me AT ALL TIMES.

It’s actually such a relief (and I am grateful to not have the extra expense) to not constantly have to check whether I have my rescue remedy spray, say, with me all the fricking time! Anti-nausea tablets are also a thing of the past now, honestly SEE YA.

We also went through some CBT and looked into past experiences/memories that may have triggered my emetophobia which was pretty intense and although we didn’t come to a proper conclusion it was really helpful.

But now ... we gotta talk about exposure therapy.

I am not going to lie and say it was fun. or easy. or not scary. And I did cry. Like a few times.

BUT I wasn't sick. This was the big thing. It was quite literally my worst nightmare to be in a non-safe environment (not my home: a horrible room with no window on top floor of NHS building), with a stranger, talking about vomit. I was quite sure that this was going to make be sick. In the room. With her. AKA ... my biggest fear. BUT IT DIDN’T HAPPEN.

We started off slow. They are never gonna rush you into anything you really don’t want to do. It’s not gonna be like BAM watch this video of someone being sick. They are not < quite > that evil. (Did actually call my therapist evil in one of these sessions, sorry Sarah*)

I am actually trying to find the website we used but I currently cannot. Do send me a message if you are keen to have a go at home, and I can try and send it over.

The first bit of exposure was the worst weirdly. Up until then it had sort of just been chatting about the phobia but I had built up all this weird anticipation anxiety around it which made it so much worse. (In retrospect it wasn’t bad at all)

We literally read through a list of different words for sick. Any ones that particularly scared me I had to repeat 50 times, to desensitise myself to them.

This was fine.

Then we moved on to sentences about sick/being sick. There was one sentence that I am not exactly sure why but REALLY triggered me (it was honestly about a cat but felt very graphic at the time) and I cried and asked to stop and to go home. Sarah calmed me down a little but she said “I don’t want to let you leave now because I think that if I let you go now you won’t come back for any more sessions.” She was really right. I had already started planning my journey home and also how I was never ever going to return to the psychologist ever again.

But I stayed. I stayed because I knew she was right. I stayed because I knew how lucky I was to be there, being treated. And I stayed because I knew I had to try.

This feels like a good place to stop right now and it’s getting mega long, but I will follow up with part two and the rest of the exposure therapy in the next couple of days. Please share if you found this at all helpful.

* Name changed just for privacy

#phobia #anxiety #therapy #emetophobia #emetophobic #emeto tw

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leapyearkisses · 5 years ago

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Not Flattering

@crinklednose commissioned me to write an In/ception fic! I hadn’t watched the movie in many years, but I fell in love with it when it came out and actually wrote a crap ton of stuff back in the day. I was psyched to revisit my old stomping ground! Thank you!

~Please consider commissioning me! Commissions are OPEN~

------------------------------------------------------------

Low classical music drifted through the air, joining the convivial sounds of conversation on the outdoor patio. Diners dressed in black tie finery chatted and laughed over lobster and champagne. Waiters in white uniforms moved from table to table with trays of fancy cocktails with a choreographed grace. The patio glowed gently in the light of braziers, candles, and overhead lanterns strung along the pergola. Each detail was crisp and evoked nothing more than the finest summer fete.

Arthur leaned on the low brick wall that separated the patio from the walkway around the restaurant and watched as Cobb passed a business card to the mark and shook his hand. Dinner had been going very well so far. The projections were behaving themselves, which was always the chief concern. He checked his watch. They still had plenty of time before they needed to be out, too. Arthur liked it when things went smoothly. He took a sip of his gin and tonic before setting the glass on the wall, then pressed the on button of his mic. “Eames? Cobb is about to hand him off. Are you ready?”

“Ready as I’ll ever be,” came Eames’s reply in his ear. “I’m on my way to you nh- Nhngtxch!”

Arthur swallowed and tried to ignore the way goosebumps crept over his neck. “…Bless you.”

“Sorry about that.” Eames’s voice – or the voice Eames was doing – now came from his earpiece and from behind him. Arthur turned and found his teammate stepping out of the restaurant. He was wearing the appearance of the mark’s best friend now, but there was still something very him in the roguish grin he gave Arthur. “I’m having a touch of allergies.”

Arthur rolled his eyes. “Well, don’t,” he said. “Now isn’t the time.” He pointed out where the mark was sitting. Cobb was just getting up and heading back into the restaurant on the other side from them. “Rockford’s right over there. He should be ready to share his start-up idea with you now.”

“On my way,” Eames said. “I’ll have- hh have it in a jiff.” His nostrils flared and Arthur sighed, sure he would sneeze again, but he didn’t. Instead, he shook himself and adopted the casual slouch of his disguise, and suddenly he seemed to be no more than that: Rockford’s best friend through and through. He was welcomed to the table and took the chair that Cobb had vacated, spinning it around and sitting on it backwards in a manner most unbecoming of a dinner party.

Arthur went back to his gin, tuning in to the conversation. Cobb, the clever investor, had gotten the mark all worked up about his future plans, and he was almost comically eager to convince Eames to go in with him. He was gesturing broadly, even making sketches on his napkin, the fact that it was cloth be damned.

“Just think of the money we’ll make!” Rockford said in a feverish whisper. “I know no one else is doing anything like this!”

Eames rubbed his hands together. “You’re definitely on to something, my old friend,” he laughed, sharp with a New York accent. “Now we just need to find ourselves some venture capitalists.”

“Well, I just spoke to one here,” said Rockford, tapping his breast pocket where he’d stashed the business card. “Very interested, and very rich. But I’ve been talking to a few people at home, too. He lowered his voice again, and Eames leaned in. “’Course, some of them are pretty deep into other businesses, so they’ve been talking to me on the down low. You’ve probably heard of some of them, though. I’ve got-”

Eames lifted a finger. Arthur could see even from his position that Eames’s eyes were fluttering closed. He fought a blush and a spike of irritation as Eames ducked into his elbow.

“Hh-hegscht!” Eames sighed and sniffed. “My bad, man. What were you saying?” But his voice suddenly seemed loud in the quiet. Arthur felt the goosebumps come back, but this time it was because all of the projections on the patio were staring at him and Eames, dinners forgotten.

Rockford was frowning, too. “What was that?” he was saying. “You sound different.”

Eames cleared his throat and rose from the table. “It’s just a cold,” he said. “Let me go get a tissue and I’ll be right back.” He began to walk away from the table with a controlled pace that kicked up a notch when he was halfway across the patio. By the time he’d reached Arthur, the two of them were almost jogging back into the restaurant.

“Eames!” Arthur hissed, pushing through a back door into the stairwell, heading for the apartments above the restaurant.

“I’m sorry!” To his credit, Eames looked a bit chagrined, but his expression quickly turned to annoyance as his face became his again. “I can’t change how I sneeze, it’s a reflex! Most people never even notice, just you and apparently Mr. Rockford.” He shouldered his way into the hallway. “You think he might have the same proclivities, Arthh- hh-” He raised his elbow again. “Nhgttscht! Hh- hh- hehgtsct! Bloody hell.”

“I’m sure I don’t want to know!” said Arthur, now flushed as well as angry. He drew his Glock from its shoulder holster and dropped a pair of projections who had appeared ahead of them.

“What’s going on?” came Cobb’s voice over his earpiece. “I’m heading to the rendezvous.”

“We’re blown,” Arthur replied. “Eames got the plans but not the names of his backers.”

“Copy that.” Cobb sounded pretty calm, but he was used to working in worse circumstances than these. “I’m actually going to double back to the safe and see if he’s put them in there. Can you buy me some time?”

“On it.” Arthur turned down another hallway and shot at another projection, although this one was able to duck behind the corner. Luckily, at least, Rockford’s mind was untrained. They wouldn’t be facing too many guns, which put them at an advantage. “Eames, circle around left.”

“I’d rather stick with you, if it’s all the same,” he said. He’d drawn his own pistol and was aiming it down the corridor with one hand. The other he was using to rub his nose. “I’m not the most coordinated during an allergy attack.” His nose was starting to look pink and he sniffed again, more wetly.

Arthur scowled. “Fine then, cover me.” He jogged down the hall and caught the projection from earlier with a bullet in the shoulder this time. “I really wish you hadn’t picked now to enact one of my fantasies.”

“Oho, I am sure you’re fhh- flattered, Arthur,” Eames growled. “But I don’t hh- have a habit of playing whih- bloody hell while I work!” He and Arthur rounded the corner to the other stairwell and headed down again, intent on being a distraction. Eames covered Arthur when the latter burst back into the kitchen, taking down a chef with a frankly ridiculous carving knife, but his next bullet went wide into the wall as he sneezed. “Hehgshht! Ngktscht! Kshtt!”

Arthur took out a pâtissière as she ran at him with a baking tray. The saucier was right behind her with a steaming pitcher of gravy. Arthur grit his teeth and jumped out of the way as the man flung the contents at him. “Eames, watch out!” he called, but as he rolled back to his feet, he realized Eames was no longer behind him. He’d vanished. Arthur felt his eyebrows leap and he touched his mic. “Cobb, hurry up, Eames woke up. Something might be happening above.”

“Two more minutes,” Cobb replied, breathless, but he’d be lucky to get one; Arthur grunted as the poissonnier got him in the neck with a fillet knife, and he sunk to the floor. A crack appeared in the wall as he closed his eyes.

He opened them in Rockford’s hotel room and sat up quickly. Even at his first impression, he could tell there’d been a struggle. The bedside table was overturned and broken glass littered the carpet beside the bed. Rockford was still out with five minutes left on the PASIV, but Arthur had been the dreamer, so that wouldn’t last. He stripped off his tie and bound Rockford’s hands as a precaution. “Eames?” He didn’t see the forger.

“In here.” Eames came out of the bathroom. “The lookout betrayed us. Thought they might gh- get a bit more heh- hehkgsh! Hkgsht!” He pressed a fist to his nose. “Ngkschxt!” His nose was definitely red now, and his eyes were wet with allergic tears. Arthur caught a glimpse, too, of wetness on Eames’s upper lip before the forger yanked out a paisley handkerchief and blew his nose aggressively.

The room, Arthur realized, had a strong scent of aftershave. One of the broken bottles, maybe. Arthur felt his stomach tighten with guilt. “Bless you,” he said. “I, uh. I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking you might actually be having a reaction…” Many real-world effects did translate down into the dream levels – rain or flooding if the dreamer had a full bladder, shifts in gravity if the dreamer was moving or moved in their sleep, heat and other oddities if the dreamer was feverish – but Arthur hadn’t really considered allergies before. Maybe because considering them usually led to him being completely useless for the next twenty minutes.

“I knew your opinion of my work wh- wasn’t the most stellar,” Eames grumbled. “Hnkstzxcht!”

“It’s not that,” Arthur protested, red as a beet. “More like I was thinking with my- oh, bless you. Let me find you another handkerchief…”

“I’d be better off with some cetirizine.” Eames coughed.

“Go out into the hall,” Arthur said. “Cobb’s waking. We’ll meet you outside.”

“Don’t hh- hehgtzcht! Mind if I do.” Eames removed himself, catching another pair of rushed sneezes as the door shut behind him. Arthur pinched the bridge of his nose and set about cleaning up their gear as Cobb came out of the dream.

---

Back at their hotel room by the airport that night, Arthur brought Eames an apology in the form of a bottle of Glenfiddich and a kiss. The forger looked much better than earlier after a heavy dose of medication and a lie down, but he wasn’t above a bit of sniping. Arthur tried to take it quietly, since he knew he’d fucked up. At least Eames didn’t say no when Arthur joined him in the same bed.

“You drive me crazy,” Eames sighed, “So smart and yet you can be so dense sometimes.”

“I deserve that.” Arthur nuzzled Eames’s neck. “I’m sorry. Again. How are you feeling now?”

“Tip top, more or less.” Eames laid a hand over Arthur’s on his bare stomach. “Tired, though. And we have an early flight out.”

“We do.” Arthur settled himself more easily against his pillow, closing his eyes. “Good night.”

“Good night.” Eames’s stroked his thumb over Arthur’s knuckles for a minute, then spoke up again, a smile in his voice. “So, that’s a fantasy of yours, hm?”

Arthur covered his face with his free hand, ears burning. “Go to sleep, Mr. Eames.”

#snz #lyk writes #lyk commissions #crinklednose #please consider commissioning me!

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ygreczed · 6 years ago

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The Sleep Catcher - deleted scenes

Hi there ~ I’m here because I said I would post the “deleted scenes” of my comic the Sleep Catcher. When I work on a comic, the first thing I do is writing a script to make the storyboarding easier to make (well, it looks like a fanfic here but most of the time there are only dialogues. I just needed to set the atmosphere). When I’m done with the script, I start drawing and realise some scenes are too complicated or too long for me, and then I change or delete them. So I’m going to give you the scripts of some “chapters” I never drew because we all need more kdfd content. Right ?

DELETED SCENE #1 - originally the chapter 2

This time Fudou was wide awake when he heard a muffled noise from Kidou's room again. There has been about one week since the last time, so Fudou only thought the nightmare from the other night was kind of an exception. And now, Kidou was hitting his wall again, keeping him from sleeping: once again, Fudou swore in the silent room, Tobitaka still sleeping soundly on the other bed -which was really unfair. The number eight stood up slowly and headed to Kidou's room again. He entered it without any hesitation this time, got closer to the strategist's bed to grasp his shoulders as he already did a week ago.

But somehow this time Kidou didn't wake up when Fudou shook him softly, calling his name, once, then twice. What was going on? He wondered if Sakuma could help him this time but just as he was going to wake him up, he suddenly felt a violent pain in his ribs. He barely avoided the second kick Kidou was throwing at him and turned back to see his open eyes looking at him with terrible anger and fear: Fudou froze for a little while. Was Kidou a sleepwalker or something? He carefully came closer and grabbed his shoulder before the other boy could attack him again. He only ignored Kidou's incoherent punches and said :

《Kidou, look, I don't want to harm you. It's okay.》

《You... give her back to me - She is everything I have left...》

《Haruna is sleeping. She's okay.》

《You're lying, I-I have to save her -》

《She's safe Kidou. And you're too. Come on, wake up.》

Kidou blinked twice, his face softening a little as he seemed to get a grip on himself. His breath calmed down and the tense in his shoulder left little by little, letting him nearly trembling. He seemed so exhausted it almost made Fudou's heart clench -almost. The dark haired boy sighed.

《Are your alright now ?》

《Fudou... what happened..?》

《You were having a nightmare again.》

As Kidou wasn't answering and was trembling more and more, Fudou sat up on the bed, close to him.

《Wanna talk ?》he asked.

《No... I just need to sleep.》

《You must do something about it... you can't keep going like this.》

Fudou couldn't help but notice that Kidou was bitting his lower lip in a very vulnerable way.

《Have a talk about it. With Sakuma or anyone but just... make it stop.》

《I can't talk about it... it's...-painful.》

《You're an idiot.》

Kidou blinked, nodding slowly like he was totally aware of his stupidity.

《Why... Does it feel... safe when you're around ?》the light-haired boy whispered to himself.

《Heh, you've just realised it ?》Fudou tried to joke but something in his chest was too heavy for him to use a sarcastic tone. Kidou smiled weakly, worry shining in his bright red eyes, and turned to Sakuma, absent-mindedly.

《Sakuma is still sound asleep... At least I am not bothering anyone》and then looking back at the brunette,《well, except you.》

《What was it ? Your dream I mean.》

《People. Taking Haruna away. I think the whole thing with the Mount Magneto and the Hell Army shook me up a bit. It'll stop, eventually.》

《Sure about it ?》

《I can't really do anything about it. But it's good to have you around. Somehow... you're helping me having... clear thoughts.》

《Ha is that so. You're a pretty sensitive guy, you know that Kidou-kun ?》

《Can't help it.》

Fudou shrugged silently, thinking that Kidou's fragility was both a curse and a blessing: somehow, behind his calm face and his goggles, Kidou was the kind of guy who was panicking in a dangerous situation involving his loved ones and then having nightmares about it for weeks. Fudou remembered how he was waking up in the middle of the night when he was little, because of bad dreams. Back then his mother used to take him in her arms to softly rock him until he could fall asleep again. He felt an outburst of affection invading his chest as he looked at Kidou, who was silent, staring at the ceiling. Even if Kidou was trying to look like he knew what he was doing, in fact, there was still a little boy deeply hidden in him, and all those nightmares only were this little boy's fears.

《You should close your eyes if you want to sleep.》Fudou pointed out, pulling Kidou's blanket up to cover him. Kidou seemed to be surprised by his gesture but Fudou ignored it, standing up and walking to the room's door.

《Fudou ?》

《Nh ?》

《If I have bad dreams... can you wake me up again ?》

Fudou shrugged, opening the door with a nonchalant movement.

《Maybe.》

DELETED SCENE #2 - beta of the actual part 3

Fudou was fed up by the team's enthusiasm and all those merry shouts were giving him a headache over time. He decided to leave the refectory before someone starts to cry out of joy and walked alone in the silent corridors, back to the field, for some practice.

《Want to do some passes with me ?》he heard in his back, and he almost smiled when he recognized Kidou's voice.

《You're not reading your postcards ?》

《I didn't receive any.》

《Endou said there was a letter from the Raimon team for everyone. Don't wanna listen to how they believe in you and all their lovely cheerings ?》

《You didn't receive anything ?》

《Heh. Postcards are useless anyway, I'm glad no one sent me those crap.》

《Mh.》

Fudou was partly lying; he was expecting he would receive one from his mother at least, but... She may not even recognize him now. He was not sad (postcards are useless, remember ?) but somehow... hurt. Everybody was reading and enjoying their close friends' or parents' cheerings now and he was the only one with just nothing. It was so frustrating to be a nobody... even for his own mother.

《You're alright ?》Kidou asked softly, getting closer, and Fudou's bad mood only increased more.

《What do you think I am going to say ? "Oh my god, I'm gonna cry because I wanted a postcard from mama too" ? It's stupid, I said this already. Now shut up and help me with my practice.》

Kidou followed him without saying anything, and Fudou was grateful for this : the rest of the team joined them not much later, being totally motivated by the letters they just read, and it made Fudou feel even worst. He stopped practicing slightly earlier than usual and gave everyone shit when they tried to talk to him. He convinced himself he would feel better after a nap, so he walked back to his room and slept a little before dinner.

He woke up when Haruna knocked at his door to inform him the meal was ready, mumbled he was coming and walked to his shut door. He frowned, realising there was something stuck in the doorway, and squatted down to examine the strange paper sheet : it was a postcard, visibly from Liocott Island. He swallowed down, reading what was written at the back of it.

You are not alone, Fudou.

Fudou entered the refectory, looking for Kidou among his teammates; he finally spotted him, sitting down at Hijitaka's table with his food tray. He took a tray too and joined him, sitting down violently next to him.

《Oi oi, be careful, Fudou.》 Hijitaka said, putting an escaping cherry tomato back in his plate.

《I'm not a kid.》Fudou only replied, knowing that Kidou would know what he was talking about. The boy with the cloak shrugged silently, eating his rice without even looking in his direction.《Stop taking pity on me.》

《I really meant what I've written. Just wanted to let you know.》

《Oh yeah ? I don't need you.》

《Fine then.》

《Yeah, fine.》

《... You guys...》sighed Hijitaka.

Fudou started eating, ignoring the defender's reaction, feeling a strange, tickling feeling warm him up from inside his body, filling his heart with a curious satisfaction. Later, he wondered if it was because of the postcard, or because Kidou's knee touched his slightly during the whole meal.

DELETED SCENE #3 - happens after part 2 and before part 3

When Kidou opened his eyes this time, Fudou was already there, leaning on him and softly shaking his shoulders to wake him up. His dream was sticking on his retinas even though he was blinking, and snippets of sadness and fear filled him over and over again as he was feeling tears in the corner of his eyes.

《Haruna again ?》asked Fudou with an impenetrable voice when Kidou straightened a bit, chasing the last reminiscences of his dream.

《Not sure... I guess so.》

《You're crying again.》

《I'm not.》Kidou replied dryly, whipping the corner of his eyes.《I'm tired of this... I just want to sleep one whole night.》

《Tell me what your dream was about.》

《None of your business.》

《You wanted me to wake you up, so now is your chance to talk a bit.》

《I don't want to. It's not... everybody's nightmare ok ? It's too painful, I... I can't even speak about them without...》

... crying. Fudou was staring him with a determined look: Kidou wanted to bury himself against him, wanted to hide behind those truthful arms. He wanted a hug, he needed it so much it was tempting to ask for it. He moistened his lips.

《Close your eyes.》he said, trying to sound confident while he was wondering himself what he was doing. Fudou raised his eyebrows, but obeyed anyway, closing his green-blue eyes slowly in the dark. Kidou buried his nose in his neck, his lips pressed against his collarbone in a, somehow, timid kiss. He felt Fudou's hand in his hair pretty fast after that and heard something like a sigh.

《Need some love, Kidou ?》Fudou breathed, and there wasn't a hint of mock in his low voice.《Go ahead.》

《I won't force you if you don't want to do it.》

《Please Kidou, it's a hug you're talking about. Just do it and go to bed, I'm tired.》

《Can you come under the blanket just for a minute ?》

Fudou shrugged and lifted the cover to slip next to the other strategist. Kidou swallowed silently and put his arms around Fudou, shyly. They struggled first to find a good position but soon enough, Kidou was closing his eyes, cosily curled up in Fudou's warm hold. It was curious that they were so comfortably laying back in the one-place bed : they should have been lacking space or something, but instead, everything was warmer, calmer, just... better than when Kidou was sleeping alone. He totally forgot about Fudou's arms around his waist, suddenly feeling too drowsy to even warn him he was going to fall asleep.

The last thing he felt was Fudou's regular breath on the edge of his jaw, and then it went all black.

DELETED SCENE #4 - happens before part 5

"This is the stupidest idea ever." Fudou groaned, irritated: of course, it was, what was the coach thinking when he suggested doing an orienteering run in the woods? Of course, they would get lost!

"What should we do ?" Fubuki asked. "The sky is getting dark..."

"We should stay here before getting even more lost. They will find us tomorrow." Kidou supposed, shrugging. "We need to light a fire."

Fudou stared at Kidou and Fubuki while they were starting the fire : the brunette could imagine that Fubuki was used to light them since he was living in Hokkaido, a really cold region. But how came that Kidou was able to do it too ? He only prepared some of their cereal bars for the dinner and leaned against a tree trunk.

"Where did you learn how to light a fire ?" he asked later, when the 14 and the 9 joined him.

"Camping class ! We're camping in the mountains sometimes with school." answered the grey-haired with a nice smile -as always actually. "But I am surprised Kidou knows too."

"Camping too."

"Camping huh ? As if the Kidou family was camping..."

Fudou realised what his answer was implying and stopped it mid-sentence: but... it didn't make sense. How old was Kidou when he lost his parents? Fudou had always thought Kidou became an orphan pretty soon in his life, but what if it wasn't the case ?

"Anyway," he said, avoiding Kidou's glare while starting eating his cereal bar.

Fudou ended up looking at the night sky, hearing Fubuki's calm breath in the silence. He wondered if the others were already gone back to the Inazuma inn or if some of them were still stuck in this stupid forest. Some of the path tags were missing, or they would never have lost their way : Fubuki was used to forest orienteering and Kidou and him were the two genius of the team, how could it be otherwise?

"Fudou, you're sleeping ?" the dark-haired boy suddenly heard. He sighed and turned toward the other midfielder to see his bright red eyes shining in the dark.

"I am."

"Liar. The ground is hard and cold, I can't find sleep..."

"What did you think ? That you were going to find a cosy canopy bed in the middle of the woods ?"

"Cut it out... Gosh, I'm freezing."

Fudou couldn't help but straighten a bit to look at the strategist: he was curling up on the dusty ground, slightly trembling even though he had his cloak over him like a blanket. Fudou realised the fire had turned into embers and felt the temperature was a little bit chilly. He got closer to Kidou, ignoring his surprised glance as he laid back next to him.

"What are you..."

"Warming up."

"You or me ?"

"Both."

Fudou heard a smile in Kidou's sigh this time and felt his arms around him pretty soon. He blushed, doing the same with his arms, pulling the other boy closer to share some human warmth, sticking his lips on the corner of his cheeks, in a -almost- tender way. He heard Kidou swallowing and bit his lower lip, embarrassed.

"Feeling better ?" he asked, trying to get rid of the strange feeling catching his chest.

"Can you pull me closer ?"

"Wha- We're already really close together, I can't."

"Fudou..?"

"Nh ?"

"I learned how to start a fire with the boy scouts. My adoptive father sent me to some of the scout camps when I was little... I hated it."

"Why ? Sounds fun to go camping with friends."

"They weren't my friends. They bullied me all the time. The day I punched one of them back, he told his parents about it and they came to my adoptive family to tell them. I got expelled from the boy scouts."

"Are you serious ?"

Fudou laughed a little. It was the funniest thing he heard in the day, Kidou being a naughty little kid fighting with other boy-scouts and being expelled for it. Kidou's grip tightened as he was laughing calmly.

"It's both funny and ridiculous you know that ?" Fudou pointed out finally.

"It was a traumatic experience."

"What a drama queen."

"... hey."

"Hn ?"

"Sleeping in your arms is... kinda nice. I'm feeling so calm, I don't have nightmares when you're around."

"Wow... seriously ?"

"Hm hm. I'm glad we're getting along because it feels somehow... safe around you. It's like I know I don't need to worry because no matter what, you will help me protect the ones I love."

"I'm not your sister's bodyguard."

"You protected Haruna against the Hell Army. You saved her. And you saved me."

"I helped you save her. It's different." Kidou gave him a surprised look, so he added: "You don't need me. You need security. I gave you some, and you saved Haruna by yourself."

Kidou didn't reply right away. They both listened to the forest's silence, punctuated with the song of crickets, rustling leaves and wind. The crackling embers were still warming them a little and coloured the night blue woods with red glowing shades. Fudou could feel Kidou's warmth around him, feel his slow breath on his lower lip and chin: he could almost forget he was sleeping on a hard, cold and dirty surface.

"Thank you." Kidou finally said with a soft sigh.

Fudou didn't reply and they fell asleep soon after.

#Inazuma Eleven #kidou yuuto #fudou akio #fdkd #kdfd #the sleep catcher

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spamzineglasgow · 5 years ago

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(HOT TAKE) Quarantine Phenomenology: The Curious Case of Daddy Conte, by Denise Bonetti

‘Teenage by design’? SPAM founder and editor-in-chief Denise Bonetti, tapping into her Italian roots, takes us on a whirlwind journey around the lustful theme park that is meme space in the time of quarantine. For many, especially those who aren’t on the frontline as key workers, self-isolation is thrusting us back into a rude adolescence. Having exhausted our usual channels of recursive entertainment, where better to look than to the political (yes, wybi?!) heroes of meatspace to fantasise the intimacies and reassurances we’re otherwise deprived of.

(CW: sexually explicit references)

> Comedian Dan Sebree tweeted that this whole quarantine situation is the closest any of us millennials will get to retirement. The joke is funny because it’s most likely true: the idea of people in my age bracket (mid-20s to mid-30s) ever retiring seems like a fairytale we tell ourselves to keep our boomer parents happy, something we play along to because frankly it’s easier than sharing the extent of our doubts in the future. (Find someone in their 20s who can say ‘when we all retire’ without a shred of irony).

> Sebree is right, most of us are playing retirees now. 80% of your salary to repot your plants, make sourdough, and fend off waves of existential dread here and there: not too shabby - if you used to have a stable job, that is. Things obviously aren’t so chill for quite literally everyone else: NHS workers, shopkeepers, supermarket employees, people on zero-hour contracts (which make up around 9% of all the UK workforce under 25), gig economy workers, freelancers by choice, people whose employers can’t be bothered putting them on payroll, and have therefore decided for them that they’ll have to be freelancers - the list goes on.

> Yet beyond the retirement vibes, there is a stage of life that seems even more appropriate to represent the mood that this pandemic isolation has been creating. We are feeling manic and depressive, anxious and idyllic, bored and obsessive; we have been dying our hair and we’re allowing social media challenges and email chains to make a comeback ( 😩). We’re raging that we’re being told how & when we can go out, and we want to see our friends like our life depended on it. I hate to be the one to break it to you, but we’ve all gone back to being teenagers. (For some of us, the transformation is even more literal: everyone who’s had to move back to their parents tag yourselves.)

> In ‘Glitching the Collective Mind’ a three-part essay published on SPAM a few months ago, Dan Power noted how ‘spending too long online (or rather, too long outside of the real world)’ can easily give way to ‘feelings of melancholic or manic absurdity’ by way of ‘saturating the mind’ with the infinite possibilities of content. In the same essay, Power reflects on the nature of the virtual space this content is localised in, what Grafton Tanner has called the ‘virtual plaza’: a non-place through which ‘we drift and consume, lulled by the saccharine tones of muzak’. Power argues that what the ‘non-local’, ‘homogenized’ structure of the virtual plaza takes away is precisely that something around which the occupants can build a sense of identity: ‘When the features which distinguish one place from another are removed, stable sense of belonging and understanding are removed with them’.

> Although Power could not have predicted this current weirdness, I am interested in his linking the internet’s hypertrophic, endless-scroll format, eradicated from any sense of place as we know it, to its capacity both to strip us of our identity, and to reduce us to a melancholic, manic mess - a passive, wide-awake anonymous content-consumer, lying in bed between waves of anxiety. A teenager who is grappling with their identity because they’re not quite sure where their emotions are coming from - literally and metaphorically.

> Critic Amanda Hess has recently written in The New York Times about the comfort of playing childhood video games during the lockdown. ‘It’s not so much that I miss my childhood’, she writes as she becomes re-obsessed with her 11-year-old self’s favourite game, Myst, ‘as that I feel seized by it’. And I, currently taking a break from a 12-hour The Sims 2 Bon Voyage build-mode marathon to write this, can only confirm such claims.

> I’m sure the fact that we gravitate towards this simple kind of pastime has a lot to do with the fact that no one can be arsed engaging with highbrow content during such traumatic times. (Let me take a break from following the dead count on BBC News by watching Battleship Potemkin, said no one ever.) However it’s not only that we’re drawn to accessible content, it’s that we are drawn exactly to the kind of activities that our teenage selves used to be into. (Otherwise, explain why The Sims 2 is having a resurgence - sixteen years after its release [!], and not either of its two successors.)

> If nostalgia is generally understood as originating more in the disappointments of reality than in the draw of the object of nostalgia itself, then the grimness of the pandemic is also to blame for the current millennial vintage trends. As Hess observed elsewhere, the quarantine has forced us into lockdown with the very devices designed to amplify our obsessions, cranking up that very fixative impulse that makes adolescence the curse and blessing that we all know.

> In Italy, where the full lockdown has been going on for over 5 weeks now, the signs of this 30-going-13 epidemic are in full swing. Everybody knows about Italians competing with each other on who can sing the cringiest medley of 00s songs from their balconies. But there’s something even more beautiful that the Italians are doing, and The Answer May Shock You. Platonic love has infiltrated every corner of Italian social media, and the object, I tell you, is no one other the prime minister Giuseppe Conte.

> Just like teenage love, the obsession is platonic socially-distant just as much as it is carnal. ‘Giuseppe Conte’ has reportedly been amongst the most searched terms on Pornhub over the last few weeks. Spurred by sheer investigative rigour I decided to carry out further research on the platform, and can confirm that the PM-themed content abounds. The material itself varies from adorably chaste, SFW picture montages of the prime minister (‘ITALIAN PRIME MINISTER GIUSEPPE CONTE MAKE YOU CUM HARD’, as uploaded by user TheMinisterOfLove), to the literal hour-long speeches that the PM has delivered to the senate, to more visually explicit heart-reacts to the government’s directives (‘HUGE CUMSHOT WHILE LISTENING DADDY GIUSEPPE CONTE’).

> Pornography aside, the memes have taken over the Italian gram and Twitter. It all started when influencer and entrepreneur Chiara Ferragni regrammed to her 19.5m followers a post by the Instagram page @daddy.conte back in March, erroneously crediting it to @lebimbedigiuseppeconte (Giuseppe Conte’s Little Girls) - now two of the most popular hormone city pages dedicated to the PM. The content is genuinely too much and too good for me to present exhaustively, but I need to show you some favourites so you can get with the vibe (all from @daddy.conte):

[‘Italian daddy locks his girls home’]

[’From today, I declare your smile illegal’]

[’There’s a smile underneath that face mask’]

[’hey baby’ / ‘daddy come to me, my parents aren’t home’ / ‘WHAT’]

[’don’t you dare get close to my girls’]

[’who wants a goodnight story?’]

[’Hi gorgeous, if you’re reading this it’s because i’ve been trapped in a wormhole the only way for you to free me is to stay home until 4th April please do it there is no time i know you can save me baby’] [lol at how quickly this has aged]

>The spinoffs quickly proliferated, I’m talking dozens and dozens of pages devoted to the PM’s fatherly aura and classic good looks - most of them with not a huge amount of followers; a sort of decentralised, massively participatory network of adolescent erotic surplus. Some of these pages specialise in things like the PM’s smile or dimples (for the more faint of heart), inscribing the phenomenon in that Renaissance love lyric convention of praising the object of love’s beauty through a catalogue of their body parts.

>A similar sexy/cute type veneration also seems to have developed radially around other Italian political figures such as President Sergio Mattarella, however predicated on a completely different set of desirable traits. Conte’s cult is all about a sort of sub/authoritarian kink power dynamic: ‘Dom daddy tell me what to do’. (Problematic? Potentially. However, wholesome? Absolutely). Mattarella’s cult is inevitably linked to the Italian President’s political function, that of protecting the Constitution, coordinating the three branches of government while heading none. A sort of hands-off grandaddy figure there to break up fights, if you will. Combined with his sweet mannerisms, the result is more of a GILF, sitting-together-on-the-porch kind of desirability, as hinted at by the following meme: (@lebimbedisergiomattarella)

> As a testament to this systematic linkage between quarantine and teenage emotional turmoil, the same dynamic of desire has also developed around political figures in the US. Foremost examples are New York Governor Andrew Cuomo (who we now think might have nipple piercings), and Kentucky Governor Andy Beshear - a ‘clean-cut sex symbol for the coronavirus age’ according to this Salon article explaining how ‘his calm and empathetic leadership’ (read: wholesome daddy energy) have thousands of thirsty people in self-isolation lust after him (via memes, of course).

> The ethos of memes in general is already teenage by design (hypertrophic, impulsive, obsessive, thriving on a sort of possessed desire towards repetition that I refuse to compare to masturbation). But there’s something special about the dreamy, sublimated, Platonic, cute-aggressive nature of these memes in particular that makes them the epitome not only of #quarantinevibes, but also of the virtual plaza’s mood, more broadly. Quarantine has exposed and legitimised, exacerbated and normalised, the internet’s power to make us regress into horny, anxious blobs. And memes like these are the very crystallisation of that ambivalent process.

> Analysis aside, we love a meme (always already), and we love a femme fandom moment. We stan the birth of a wholesome masculinity mythology for 2020. I can think of worse Internet Utopias. Now back 2 The Sims.

Text: Denise Bonetti

Lead Image credit: @onlyconte (Instagram)

Published: 17/4/20

#essay #essays #Denise Bonetti #masculinity #memes #meme #Giuseppe Conte #Italy #sexy #quarantine #coronavirus #hot take

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mental-health-advice · 7 years ago

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Submission tagged sisters

First of all, thank you for fixing the submission box and having the option to post submissions anonymously! What you’re doing here is such a blessing! Please tag this as #sisters

I have anxiety and depression, but I’ve learned how to manage well enough to ‘get by’, mostly because I feel that if I don’t manage well myself, I will be another huge burden on my family.

My little sister (she’s 16) has struggled with mental illness in a much more… public and messy way since she was about 11, including suicidal ideation, self harm, eating disorders, etc. Or at least, that’s what she expresses. The problem is… I have no idea if I can trust that she’s being honest. I can’t tell if she’s sincerely struggling or just really manipulative.

Her latest announcement is that she’s dropping out of highschool (my parents and I already school her at home because public school wasn’t a good environment for her, but now she doesn’t want to do ANY school at all). So my parents said that if she didn’t want to finish HS, she would have to get her GED, get a job, and pay them rent. (The goal there first being to dissuade her from dropping out, or at the very least help her find a stable career and learn real world money management.)

Well, she wasn’t happy with those terms, so she decided she wanted to be emancipated from my parents and move in with our brother (he’s 24, not a bad guy, but in a lot of debt because of bad choices and spends all his free time smoking and playing video games) because HE won’t charge her rent.

We asked her to see a counselor (I used to see one whom I liked very much), but she refuses. We bought her mood stabilizers and other medications, which seem to help while she’s taking them, but then she stops taking them! I even tried privately telling her about my own struggles, but she doesn’t seem to think they count, because -even though it’s hard for me- I can manage and seem fine on the outside.

Whenever we’ve tried establishing boundaries or consequences (i.e., she can’t use her phone until she’s finished with that day’s schoolwork), she’ll say we’re contributing to her depression. She’ll say, 'If you don’t let me talk to my friends, I’m just going to want to kill myself more. I can’t do the assignment anyway. It’s too hard.’

Every time she has a dream/goal, she gives up on it. She wanted to be a hip-hop dancer, so we got her dance lessons, but she would never practice or dance outside of class and after a year she completely lost interest. She wanted to learn a second language, so we got her lessons, and guess what? The exact same thing happened.

So there’s all of that, which is difficult enough for me to handle, but the thing that really causes me worry is that when she’s released from all responsibilities (chores, school, family stuff) she’s absolutely fine. As in, she seems perfectly balanced and her mental illness doesn’t seem to get in the way at all. It’s only when there’s the slightest pressure on her to actually do something with her life that she breaks down and becomes miserable.

It’s always been my understanding and experience that mental illness doesn’t just 'go away’ like that when things are easy; that a depressive episode can hit regardless of whether you’re going to school or just going to a friend’s house. I guess what I’m looking for is another perspective to try and understand her. Is she just lazy and trying to get a free ride through life from people willing to do more work than her? Or is it my own issues causing me to think that she may be manipulating me? Is this only-fine-when-it’s-easy thing something that actually happens to some people with mental illness? What else can I do in my situation? I don’t want to just give up and abandon her, she’s my little sister, but I’m so exhausted :(

I’m sorry this got so long, thank you for listening!

Hi lovely,

I am sorry that both you and your sister have been struggling with your mental health so much, this must be really hard for you and the rest of your family to deal with. I hope I’ll be able to give you a little advice and information, but please remember that we are not professionals here at MHA so anything I say or suggest is based solely on my own opinion/experience.

Firstly, I want to address your own health - I realise you say that you are managing your depression and anxiety, but I’m just wondering whether you are seeking any professional help? If not, a doctor or another mental health professional would be able to help you further manage the symptoms you may experience and possibly refer you for specialist treatment. It may also be worth looking into talk therapy again, CBT has been proven to be very effective in helping those with depression and anxiety - talking about how and why you feel a certain way can help to make the situation a lot more manageable, and having someone impartial to listen to you can make so much difference. Here is our page about getting help in case that is something you want to look into.

I cannot tell you exactly what is causing your sisters behaviour, but it does sound like this must be really hard for you to cope with - especially as you are having to deal with your own struggles at the same time.

You are right that a depressive episode can occur at any time, even when things are going really well; however, the same applies to when that episode may end, they are unpredictable, so there is every chance that your sister’s depressive episodes could occur as they do. Something that came to mind when I read your submission, was the possibility of borderline personality disorder - again, I am not a professional, but this is just something I thought you might want to do a bit more research into. Many of the things you have described above can be related to BPD, for example frequently changing studies and hobbies (often due to a fear of failure), emotions which change quickly and with great strength, and self-harm. I am linking pages by the NHS and Mind as they contain some good information about the disorder - maybe you and your parents could read this, and maybe share it with your sister if it is something you think she may be dealing with. I cannot tell you whether her behaviour is caused by a mental illness or by her being manipulative, but I do think this is something important to consider.

It already sounds like you and your family are doing the best you can for her, lovely! I think encouraging her to seek some professional help is the most important thing at the moment; maybe you could suggest going with her to support her, or maybe family counselling may be a good way to introduce her to the idea of counselling? Also, consistency and patience will be really important for your sister - if she experiences dramatic changes in her mood then it is important for her to have a secure consistent support system.

Please remember that the most important thing for you to do, is to look after yourself! I know she is your sister and you want to help her, but if it is having a negative impact on you, then it is completely okay for you to take a step away from your sister and her negative behaviour. You do not have to stay and care for your sister if you would much rather remove yourself from the pain she has already, and may in the future, cause you. Please do not feel bad for putting yourself first, you always come first!

I hope this has been of some help to you, love. Don’t hesitate to get back in touch if there is something else that we can do to help you! Take care,

Rhiann xo

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eyeslikefoxglove · 4 years ago

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Episode 22 - XuanXian friendship AU & Meng Yao can’t believe one of his boyfriends is this dumb.

Hello hello! First of all, it looks like I will have to slow down these posts to every Sunday at most, I might be able to get a few episodes per day but if you’re interested in reading you’re gonna have to wait the whole week. I started the intensive course preparing me for an exam and I have to put in 12h daily six days a week. On the upside my Sundays are completely free and I just spent the whole morning reading in my garden.

We have a romantic rooftop date and WuJi on the piano, this is gonna be good.

My bb LWJ is looking for literally the smallest sign that WWX is not going to melt his brain with his new brand of magic. He’s so worried.

They’re being so soft and vulnerable and I’m so glad WWX agreed to let LWJ help him. (Hhhhhmmmmmmgggggg the possibilities if these two idiots communicated oh my gooooooood)

That’s it, that’s the whole episode. Nothing else happens.

Ok clearly it wasn’t. But I just have to spiral down and scream about their fucking lack of armour. Maybe I’m too used to western high fantasy but they’re not even wearing leather or chainmail what the fuck.

NHS YOU CUPCAKE I ADORE YOU!

That whole battle scene with the Peacock. What the fuck

So... JC sword fighting and covered in blood. Hhhmmm... interesting visual.

(Listen I said I wasn’t gonna creep until SunShot, this is SunShot)

Something I’ve never understood: aren’t puppets mind-and-body controlled people at best, walking corpses at worst? Why would they stop if you chop off an arm? It’s not like they feel pain or have survival instincts, and if they’re corpses, or you can keep them in control after they die, delivering a mortal blow would do fuck all wouldn’t it? Solution: get a flamethrower.

... a well known man in a position of power, built like a brick shithouse and with a big-ass sword just decided he was the best for the task of infiltration and assassination. What the fuck Da-ge, was it LXC’s turn with the braincell or what? And these two just let him! I want to think if NHS had gone with them he’d smacked all three over the head with his fan.

Listen listen listen. I find my sister crying “unchaperoned” and in the company of the asshole son of a known can’t-keep-it-in-his-pants dude, IN HIS ROOM, and I’m murdering first and asking question second. And I don’t even have siblings. Hell, I find any girl crying in those circumstances and I’m getting stabby.

Ok, here’s another scene I’m taking to create a parallel btw “stable” and “unstable” WWX. You remember that when he got into a fight with the Peacock at Cloud Recesses the second Shijie appeared with a bit of manpower he backed the fuck off. Now she’s here physically holding onto him and begging him to go (remember she’s the one who’s crying and probably wants to leave and not have this turned into a public spectacle) and he’s so angry he isn’t even budging. Like, I’d understand if the fight wasn’t triggered by her being upset and she was just asking him to not fight, but she is super upset, and instead of comforting her like I’m sure he’s done a bunch of times he wants to stay and throw hands. Conclusion: get this boy to therapy.

Do NOT scream at MianMian.

Ok now I want to throw hands with the Peacock myself. (Once again I beg of you, someone re-write canon but with an actual responsible adult for these people to go to when this shit happens. Women need more female friendships and everyone needs an actual good adult role-model)

As always, any Jin disciple not MianMian is an asshole (I’m willing to forgive the one who went to fetch WWX just now).

Bless LWJ’s wrist grabs.

OH MY GOD GALAXY BRAIN MOMENT: So we remember when JC got his core melted and shoved WWX and he barely felt it. WHAT IF the Peacock already knowing WWX packs a mean punch, realises that being sent flying into a table is way too mild a response, and why would WWX hold back when he’d just made his Shijie cry you know? What is wrong with WWX, we can’t have him sick/dying this is a war and we need manpower, plus it’d make her cry and he refuses to see that ever again. So he confides in MianMian and they decide to keep an eye out for WWX, give him a hand AND try and guess tf is wrong with him. I’m not gonna say they guess it, because it’d be impossible but book MianMian was already good with herbs and medicine so maybe she gets to research? Regardless WWX suddenly has two very determined Jin puppies following him around and being nice to him? Like, genuinely? Like they seem to be pleased just by him chilling and taking a rest? I’ve always said I’d love for him and the Peacock to become friends (bc oh my god the bitchiness if those two joined forces) and LWJ going fucking insane because suddenly MIANMIAN is glued to his Wei Ying’s side would be hilarious.

In this AU she offhandedly comes out as bi, WWX either realises then and there or goes “oooohhh same” and WangJi.exe stops working for a sec while he rearranges his whole world view. Bonus if Peacock goes something like “we figured with you dating LWJ” and that’s how WangXian gets together. JC will never forgive his brother in law because fucking hell the PDA is OFF THE FUCKING CHARTS WHY. (It would be, they’re barely out of hormone hurricane hell and fighting battles all day, emotions run really high)

And that’s how, when WQ goes to ask WWX help with her brother MianMian (and probably LWJ? Idk, I don’t want to deprive myself of that “my body is ready” face he makes when WWX drinks his wine for him) is with her WN doesn’t die, WQ gets a girlfriend AND EVERYTHING IS SUNSHINE AND RAINBOWS.

Aw look at 2zun talking about their boyfriend.

Have I ever mentioned that LXC’s headpiece reminds me of a (western) dragon skull? Because it does and I think it’s super cool.

NMJ just said “that asshole Wen” according to the Netflix subtitles and idk if it is accurate, but holy shit I love it.

Well, that’s not an ominous place to go and try to break into or anything.

Oh he got caught. What a surprise. Who would’ve thought.

(Sneaky Meng Yao gives me life tho)

Meng Yao is enjoying this and I’m living for it, that’s such a pleased smile. Insert here a joke about him enjoying seeing his bf all bloody and on his knees.

Also his face when NMJ goes for the kill pretty much screams “this dumbass is gonna get obliterated, why am I with him again?”

LWJ’s Wei Ying senses were tingling. Also, assume I’m screaming about these yahoos not putting their hair up, that’s a scalping wanting to happen and those shits ain’t pretty.

BATTLE COUPLE! BATTLE COUPLE! BATTLE COUPLE!

Btw I really like the fade to black cut style of the battle, helps not make me dizzy.

Nvm I’m dizzy now.

Holy shit I love how creepy YLLZ can get.

And that’s all for this episode my friends. Read you soon!

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lvmarston-blog · 7 years ago

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The best possible outcome from the worst of situations.

Hi. I’m not sure who is reading, or who this will reach, but I want the infinite black hole of cyber space to hear me, hear my silent screams, hear my story. Maybe my words can reach someone else going through this somehow, maybe someone will stop by and think ‘poor woman’. To be honest, I don’t want your sympathy, move on.

I am not big. I am not brave. I am not strong. I am just dealing with what has been set out in front of me.

I am a woman, wife, mother, sister, daughter, aunt, friend and I am only human; I am not special, I am an individual, I am just trying to get by.

So how did I get here, talking to the big black hole? I entered my own black hole myself exactly 14 days and 18 hours ago (give or take a few minutes)

This is our Story.

I first found out I was pregnant on Easter Sunday, Chris and I had been together around 6 1/2 years, we’d been engaged since November 2014; although no relationship is perfect, I loved our little bubble. We’d spent years creating our home, building a furry family of 3 cats, knitting our family & friends around us. We were due to get married in around 2 months’ time. My job as a PA (or EA, it’s a posher title) enabled me to be what is probably the worst type of bride ever without becoming bridezilla (I think my mum and bridesmaids would disagree, I was the godzilla of brides) I knew what I wanted, eventually, and it had to be my sort of perfect.

On Thursday I’d had my dress fitting, I’d hit one of my many (many) weight goals, I was feeling fantastic, skinny, sexy, untouchable. We’d traveled to the Wye Valley with Chris’s wonderful family for an Easter break the next morning. Saturday I ate, ate more than I had in weeks and gorged on sweets. I felt like I needed to come on, I was waiting patiently for it, all whilst secretly hoping I didn’t. Chris and I weren’t ‘trying’ (I’m not keen on that word) but we weren’t being careful, we’d got it into our heads we’d possibly have a honeymoon baby, but we joked and talked about revealing a little bun in the oven when our wedding day finally came around. I never thought that could be a reality. Chris made a passing comment, I can’t remember what, about my sugar gobbling, I turned on him, vicious and angry and told him I didn’t want to see him. That night I sipped / glugged on a bottle of prosecco, indulging in a bubble bath and listening to my favorite songs whilst nibbling on Percy Pigs.

Sunday morning I woke up, mild headache, nipped to the loo and took a test, I still hadn’t come on, I was annoyed I hadn’t. My usual ritual was to take a test, it being negative, and then I’d release that afternoon.

Then two very vivid pink lines rocked up.

Shit. Shit, shit, shit. I sank, flabberghasted at what I was looking at, pee on a stick, my pee on a stick, with a positive reading. Shit.

I stalked back into the bedroom, flung the test at a sleepy Chris and said “that’s why I’ve been so ratty”. We sat in silence, staring at each other, a mix of elation and disbelief. How could we be parents, I still laugh at him farting in my face.

We mulled over our wonderful surprise all day, we enjoyed family walks with our excitable nieces and nephews, took in the day, drank in our surroundings before excitement got too much for us and we told everyone that afternoon, my sister in law guessing before I could get the words out, that made it even more special. The night we got home to our little cottage Chris turned to me and said “it’s a girl, isn’t it?” before we fell about in fits of laughter and giggled like excitable school children. Chris & Lauren. Married, husband & wife, parents!

We told my mum on the way home, we told everyone we could. We waited until my dad’s birthday until we told him - we brought him a wheelbarrow and a little ‘grandpa’ sign, took him a few moments to realise but he and his wife were elated when we told them. Everyone was elated, we were elated, we were excited, hopeful and petrified.

We promised to keep it quiet until the wedding, I’d be around 12 weeks then, but we ended up telling everyone, anyone who’d listen, everyone we loved, everyone we worked with. We were so happy.

We attended our first antenatal appointments, confirmed as low risk after a few initial tests and questions, it all started to feel very real. We attended our first scan, a little too early, 1 week later and 2 days before our wedding we watched our little pickle dance around on the screen, heart thumping madly, showing off little arms and legs for the radiologist. We cried happy tears, “hello baby pickle, we’re so pleased to meet you”.

On 9th June we got married, pickle safe & snug, dad walked me down the aisle to meet my husband, father of our little bubs. We had the most wonderful day, our little wonder dancing away the entire time. The next day we jetted off to Indonesia, we’d very luckily won business class upgrades, I was gutted I couldn’t try out the wine menu, Chris happily tested on both our behalves.

Our honeymoon flew, the next 8 weeks flew, I was growing a perfect home for baby, I’d piled on the weight I’d lost for the wedding, I craved tuna (and lots of it) and salt & vinegar snack a jacks. I wanted jacket potatoes - not only with tuna (Id have tuna on ice cream I think if I’d really wanted to) just a plain old jacket, I made Chris bake me one on one particular evening, I ate it like an apple.

I started feeling this little creature inside me, I’d sit at work and feel it tumble and dart across my tummy, often poking me when we were hungry then dancing around once I’d fed us. On the Sunday before, we’d attended our friends wedding and I’d been famished most of the day, we sat down for dinner and I ate super quickly; little pickle danced so hard I grabbed Chris’s hand and placed it on my tummy, pickle danced for her daddy, our V danced for daddy for the first and last time.

On Friday, 18th August I’d had a very busy day. I’d had a busy week, with lots going on in the evenings; I’d had a niggling feeling as the day grew on, I’d busied myself with preparing bits for my impending maternity leave, having a conversation with my boss about what we do without me there, I planned and prepped as I do best. By home time I was a little worried. I messaged my little sister (my go-to guru on babies, she’d blessed me with the perfect niece who I admit I am insanely jealous of, but in a good way) she told me to go to the hospital, but I brushed it off, thinking I was being silly. I was 22 weeks, baby hasn’t established a routine yet, I wouldn’t know until I was 24 weeks, I kept reeling off every baby book, mobile app and NHS leaflet I’d ever read. Lottie persisted, telling me I’d regret it if I didn’t. I hesitantly called the hospital, they advised me to pop in - it’s probably nothing. I then dialed Chris, knowing his reaction - he works at the same hospital we were being looked after at, he’d more than likely had a busy day, the last thing he’d want to do is hot foot it back to satisfy my hypochondria - Chris was grumpy, but eventually we popped to Queen’s Hospital thinking we’d be in and out in a few hours & would pick up his much desired Chinese on the way home.

We arrived at triage, got comfortable on the bed and waited for the friendly midwife to reassure my sensitive mind. The midwife came in from behind the curtain all smiles, promptly popped the Dopplar onto my swelling tummy and listened. Nothing.

She looked up at me with a big smile, said “I’m rubbish at these things, I’m just going to get my friend”, before fetching her colleague for another listen. They changed Dopplars, got a bigger one, before a lady in green scrubs emerged with a scanner. I turned to Chris and mouthed “she’s not here, baby” and received a that wonderful scowl of his as he replied “We don’t know that yet, bubs”.

The green scrubs lady looked intently at the scanner, looked up at us and mentioned she needed to get her colleague to take a look as “she couldn’t see anything”. My stomach turned, my toes curled and the back of my neck stood to attention. Before I could breathe we were asked to go into another room, I clasped my husband’s hand, legs of jelly and followed the now growing crowd of doctors into a strangely bedded room, with a birthing bed and another bed, all strung up with wires and equipment, confused I laid down ready to see our baby once more.

Another lady took the probe, she scanned, frowned, scanned, frowned and then turned. “I’m sorry sweetheart, there is no heartbeat”

I turned away from the crowd’s gaze, I felt Chris crumble, I felt the weight in my stomach harden, I felt the world I lived in come tumbling down around me, everything slipping into a vortex of anguish, confusion and despair. All I managed to whisper was “what now?”.

I was in a haze, I was given one option - give birth to your dead baby - it was too dangerous to have an operation. I was spinning, spiraling, twisting, falling, failing.

We called our parents, listening to their screams, their “Oh no’s”, their grief setting in, their “I’m so sorry’s”. They started rallying, before I knew it, our nearest and dearest were in that same room, joining our vortex and riding what we now call “the waves”.

A midwife came in, she was so sweet. She offered me a pill, she told me it would “start things off”

That pill.

That was the hardest pill I’ll ever have to swallow. My husband and my mum curled beside me, it took me a while to take it. For me that signaled the end, accepting our baby had died, accepting I’d have to go through what I feared most in this world. Accepting human mortality, accepting my baby’s mortality, accepting mine. I stared at that white dot for what seemed like eternity, wishing it would jump off the bed and roll away and wishing I was sat back at my desk at work, wishing I was back there feeling my baby wriggle, feeling the slight bumps against my hand. Why was they not moving? Why was their heart no longer beating? Why us? What horrific and nasty thing had I done to be sitting here, staring at that pill? I wanted to scream at the doctor, tell them they’re wrong, tell them to scan me again, tell them I can feel it moving again and walk out of that room, life and baby in tact.

As I took that pill and I felt my baby become stone.

We were told to go home and wait until Sunday at 3pm, by now it was 10pm. I had to wait 2 days to come back and deliver my child. I glared at these doctors in disbelief, how dare you send me home to live with this for 2 days? How can you be so cruel to not induce me now? Looking back I’m so glad I went home, as sick as that sounds.

Chris and I wanted to shut ourselves away, hide from the world, ignore our plight but our family wouldn’t let us go. They insisted on staying with us, spending time with these broken shells of the people they knew, I don’t know why. My reaction is to run, but our family rallied. That night we wailed, we cried, we fell apart, we howled at the world, then we laughed.

Chris and I made a pact in the car on our way home, we’d talk about this, we’d tell everyone, anyone who’d listen. We were not suffering this hell in silence.

If there is one thing I want anyone to take away from this rambling and lengthy post - I want you to know that laughing in grief is OK.

We laughed about anything, the good times, the wedding, my mum and sister’s jobs as carers, we laughed at the hilarious antics their residents got up to, we laughed at ourselves, we distracted ourselves from the horrors knocking quietly and constantly at our door.

By Saturday afternoon my anxiety was ricocheting, I was panicking, I convinced myself I was going to die, my soul way dying, my body was failing me, I wouldn’t come away from this alive, I secretly prepared to leave my husband, leave my family and leave this world, with my baby in my arms.

I decided I’d contact Facebook groups, I posted my fate, I reached out to other mums and discovered a world of Angel Mums, all lined up to greet me with open arms, I spoke with maybe a dozen ladies, just like me. They shared with me their stories, they told me it would be OK, they told me what it was like, they told me not to be a hero, to take every drug offered, to spend time with my baby afterwards and to try to take in those precious hours I would relive forever. A few ladies showed me pictures of their Angels, it made me less scared to meet our baby, it helped me prepare. I posted again and again “help, my baby died and I don’t know what to do” - these Angels appeared through the darkness, a glint of light in my dark and frightening world, they carried me forward, reassured and comforted me.

We brought our admission forward to 9am, that night was a haze of small bouts of sleep, rousing and letting The Waves crash over me once more, the reality of our experience showering and swelling around me, I struggled to breathe, I clung onto Chris, I wailed and pleaded with whoever I could. This can’t be happening.

That morning I don’t know how I walked, my mum and Chris guided me in, I leaned on them heavily. I couldn’t compose myself. I walked through the hospital fixated on a door, then onto the next, I remember walking past an elderly couple settled on some seats, I remember their eyes following me through the foyer, I wanted to tell them what was happening, I wanted to tell them my baby had died, I wanted to swap places, I wanted to do anything that meant I didn’t have to travel through the next set of doors.

Once we’d settled into our delivery room, we’d been introduced to our midwife - Donna. Donna - if you ever read this, you are incredible. You are amazing, I trusted you with my life and I owe you more than anything I can physically give you. The church where we’d been married at 10 weeks earlier visited to offer prayers, Chris & I took comfort in their words, but I struggled to listen, instead I focused on the gurgles my stomach was making, with each breath I prayed for movement. I prayed for an escape.

By the time I had been induced (by pessary, in case you’re after every tiny detail) the contractions came fast. Remember I told you to laugh in grief? Here’s why:

We were living out our very own horror movie, I couldn’t run, I couldn’t go to the Winchester and wait for this to blow over, I couldn’t close my eyes and wake up back in my bed like Final Destination, I was staring at my hooded figure, fixated with fear and wonder of the unknown. I had to escape somehow, to somewhere, anywhere but here. As the pains grew stronger, Chris and mum by my side we curled up on the bed I would deliver in, turned on the internet and watched episodes of Family Guy & Impractical Jokers. Each time anyone popped into the room to check on us, we swiftly paused the episode, wiped our weary smiles and become sombre. It felt naughty to be laughing, smiling at the stupidity these programs aired. Looking back we should have kept on playing, there is no book on how to grieve, this was our grief, this was how we were dealing with it.

Once I got onto the gas & air that’s when the real laughs started, I laughed at everything, I made my mum try it, I told Chris he was a pussy for not giving it a whirl, I joked at our situation, suddenly became ravenously hungry, inhaling congealed hospital mac ‘n’ cheese, then demanding a tuna sandwich. At one stage my contractions were coming every 15 seconds, lasting for 10, I held my tuna sandwich with one hand, gas & air in the other - alternated between the two and shouted TUNA at Chris through bleary eyes, noting that perfect wide smile etched onto his face.

By the time I was nearing the final stages of labour my mum, Chris & I had established the perfect birthing team; Chris & Mum working in unison to tend to my few worded demands of ‘WATER’ and lip pouting (smearing blistex onto my lips as gas & air made my lips very dry). By this time I’d had a wonderful cocktail of drugs, gas & air, diazepam, pethedine and PCP morphine (controlled by Chris). I was so. fucking. high.

To anyone facing this, take all the drugs, it makes you not care. I felt getting ‘out my tree’ helped me first hold my baby when she arrived, it helped me bond with her, fall in love with her and not care that I was cuddling my dead child.

At 6.28pm, our daughter arrived. Chris & I chose not to look at her straight away. My mum had asked if she could wash our baby when she arrived, I asked my mum to tell us what we had, even though in our hearts we already knew. Our baby Vera was here. I’d been in labour for around 4 1/2 hours, officially in active labour for 8 minutes.

Vera Maggie Marston, born sleeping, Sunday 20th August 2017 at 6.28pm, weighing 640grams (or 1lb)

Chris held onto me as if he was going to fall away, I held onto him just as tightly until mum placed the tiny human into our arms. I fell completely and utterly in love. I looked past her dark skin, her eyes squeezed shut and her tiny eyebrows and eyelashes perfectly formed. I fell in love with her button nose, noticing her pout that had so prominently shone in her scans just days before. I traced her lips, felt her tiny hands wrap around my fingernail, examined her legs until I noticed her big-ass feet - exact copies of Chris’s. I looked intently at the joints forming her limbs, counted the bones on her hands & feet and squinted to see the smallest of fingernails. My baby girl was perfectly formed, perfectly still, silently sleeping.

Our Little V met our family, I couldn’t say much except “I am so. fucking. high” but I wanted everyone to see her and cuddle her and love her just as much as I did. I knew people were scared, but I’d not thought to care like I did before and like I do now. Maybe it was the drugs.

We were transferred into the Snowdrop suite. Chris had been at a seminar just 2 days before, listening to a medical photographer explaining a particular harrowing time at the snowdrop suite, meeting devastated families. The seminar is designed for clerical employee’s like Chris reconnect with the environment they were working in, remembering they are working in a hospital with real people, real stories, real tragedies. We were now one of them.

Chris and I spent some hours cuddling our newborn, telling her all about our family, telling each other what Our V could have been, what she should have been, she would have mummies intelligence, with daddies competitive streak and stubbornness...! We then tucked her away into her cold cot - it should have been a real cot - and snuggled in bed together. I was still pretty high, I wished I’d hear some little snuffling noises coming from that cot, but was met with silence. I woke at every sound, wishing my baby to start crying for my attention, I wanted to pick her up, put her to my breast, change a dirty nappy, anything that would signify that she was alive and not sleeping so quietly.

Monday came in more Waves. Friends, family and colleagues came by, each taking their turn to say hello and goodbye to our baby, some cuddling, some looking and some fixating gazes on Chris and I. We spent that day laughing, I don’t remember crying until the medical photographer came in, delicately placing V’s hands and feet, getting a profile shot and our first and last family pictures together. At one stage he asked us both to look at the camera, I turned to him firmly declining, how could I stare into a lens, pretending to smile whilst holding our baby like this? All I wanted to do was stare at her, drink every inch of her being, remember every detail, every crinkle, every vein.

Chris & I tried to be positive throughout our story, we told each other it could have been worse, we read through a book of remembrance given to us in the Snowdrop Suite, we read others’ stories, of babies born at full term, not surviving the birth, babies born and ripped away from their mothers to NICU, to only pass away days later. Chris & I thanked ourselves that Vera never knew pain, she didn’t feel her death, she didn’t know how it felt to be sad or cold. We told everyone it could have been worse, I could have gone into spontaneous labour, I could have bled out, died, got an infection, not delivered my placenta in full, not been able to see our baby. We named our story the best possible outcome from the worst of situations. We were going through hell, but it could have been so, so much worse.

We gave ourselves until 6pm on Monday to get to know our daughter. By the time it came around I wasn’t prepared. I didn’t want to leave her, but knew I had to. We were offered to take her home, but I didn’t want to be chasing ghosts & I didn’t want someone to come to our home and take my baby away. I wanted to walk from my baby knowing she was sleeping safely in the arms of the incredible midwife team.

We asked the midwife to change her blanket, so we had Vera’s smell to cherish forever. I also loved the blanket she was in, and didn’t want it to go with her to the crematorium.

We held her one last time, we told her how much we loved her and how sorry we were that we we couldn’t keep her safe, we promised we’d always have her at the center of everything we did. We tucked her in one last time and we walked out, hand in hand, closing the book on our short family chapter, walking away broken, fragile and uncertain of where we were going next.

#family #babygirl #angel baby #stillbirth #birth story #birth #baby #miscarriage #baby loss

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