#I love the audacity of the 70s sometimes it’s great | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

maddgicalgirl · 3 years ago

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Paracosm Resources <3

Need help bringing your paracosm to life? Try these free resources!

⚠️ Updates always pending! Suggestions always welcome! Feel free to message me any tips or questions <3 ⚠️

(Cont. below cut, or with real time updates on this google doc!)

Art Programs

FireAlpaca - 2D Art Program, Animation. Where I make most of my digital art, and paint the frames for my animations :) It is free to use, and easy to learn and use! It can make basic animations as well, such as gifs. It requires download.

Krita - 2D Art Program. Professional, free digital paint software :) I have not used it before, though I have heard good things.

GIMP - 2D Art Program, Photo Manipulation. It's free to use, but I do not like it/recommend it highly. But! If FireAlpaca and Krita don't float your stoat, try Gimp! For 2D art, but also able to emulate Photoshop to a degree ^^

Inkscape - 2D Art Program. Free to use digital illustration software. Makes 2D art :)

Of course, who can forget classics like good old MS Paint, and the new and exciting 3D MS Paint, which can both be used to create some really neat things! Classic MS Paint is available here in browser form! If you need that. I just think it's neat!

Art AI

Petalica Paint - Coloring Software. An in browser, watercolor manga style coloring software, which can (almost) effortlessly color in any of your line art pieces! I've played around with it for my Thorn illustration style piece, and enjoyed it! It is free to use, and can take user input to make the colorations more precise.

ArtBreeder - 3D Realism Software. Using Artbreeder, you can create lifelike images of your paras, planets, or potentially even fursona, using the intricate AI they let you work with for free! A premium version exists, but most functions are fully usable without - though I recommend donating ^^ You can randomly generate, or prune and shape what you make until its perfect! Slow to use and get the hang of, but very worth it! Artbreeder is also pioneering an intriguing animation software to go alongside their product! Browser based.

3D Software

Blender - 3D Modeling, Animation. The best (in my opinion) free 3D modelling software.

MagicaVoxel - 3D Pixel Art. Free to use! Could be interesting :)

MikuMikuDance - 3D Rigging. Anime style rigging and animation software, free to use, and certified internet artefact! Has stood the test of time, and is still used and loved today. Can support ports of many kinds of assets, including, I believe, those from Blender, and of course those that are downloaded. DA has a bunch of old MMD communities you can raid for assets!

Animaze - Face Rigger. Use 3D models and a webcam to watch your paras talk! Models can be made in Blender, downloaded online, or even from CHARAT V, CHARAT GENESIS sister app!

Character Creators

CHARAT GENESIS - 2D Character Creator. Browser based anime style character creator, with multiple crops and poses, and infinitely customizable options. It is legitimately insane. Has a 3D function called CHARAT V which can apparently convert characters made in CHARAT GENESIS into 3D models compatible with Face Rig and Animaze!

V-Katsu - 3D Character Creator. Free on steam! Anime style, intensive character creator, by the same people who made Koikatsu, and Koikatsu Party, two amazingly detailed 3D hentai makers. While V-Katsu is a SFW VTuber maker, if you're looking for NSFW anime content, you could always spend roughly $70 on the full NSFW versions. V-Katsu requires a translation mod (free online as well) which you have to install, or the ability to read Kanji <3 Works with VR tech.

V-Roid Studios - 3D Character Creator. Free on steam! Anime style, fairly in depth character creator, that allows for some degree of digital 3D hand sculpting, particularly with their amazing hair engine, to get your paras looks perfect!

And, of course, Picrew has thousands of character creators of various styles and quality uploaded by the artists who made them! Also, honestly I think we as a society should embrace making dinky chibis in Gacha Life. IDK why everyone is mean to the gacha kids, like we weren't all cringe at some point,

World Design

HomeStyler - 3D and 2D Room Designer. Make a model of an interior for a home or building, using real 1:1 furniture of IRL brands! Apparently this is free to use, though there is a premium version, and it offers 3D and 2D models.

Map to World - 3D Planet Maker. Turn your fantasy world into a 3D model of the planet. Put maps directly on, or design the surface and textures of your world. Takes a lot of getting used to, but it is AMAZING. Free to use, and browser based!

PlanetMaker - 3D Planet Maker. Make a customized 3D planet! Free to use browser site! I have never used this, but I would love to mess around with it sometime! Allows you to add orbital rings, change textures, and more at the click of a mouse.

If on sale, I also recommend snagging a copy of the Sims, particularly 3 or 4, for character creation and world design. Maybe not the best gameplay without mods, but it's also a load of fun, and very easy to add custom content to! Minecraft also. But you just need Minecraft, in general. Beyond its ability to fairly faithfully recreate structures from your paracosms, it's just Good.

Game Creators

Maybe you wanna turn your paracosm into a cool game idk, just thought I'd put these here!

Construct 3 - 2D Game Creator. Beginner level game making :) Drag-and-drop if/then style programming.

GameSalad - Codeless 2D Game Creator. Drag and drop style/no coding, beginner friendly. Free version available!

Solpeo - 2D Game Creator. HTML5 based game engine for 2D and isometric game development. Some programming knowledge needed. Platforms supported: Chrome, Firefox, Internet Explorer 9+. Free version available.

Stencyl - Codeless 2D Game Creator. Drag and drop style building/no coding skills needed. Has editable templates!

Scratch - 2D Game Creator. Very easy to use and totally free, though relatively basic!

Unity - 3D, 2D, and VR Game Creator. Make games with 3D software. Import your own assets (Blender compatible) or download free options, or buy the rights to models. Works for 3D and 2D games. Free version available, and now works with VR tech!

Unreal Engine - 3D Game Creator. Extremely advanced 3D game developer. Highly customizable. Free to use!

Twine - Text-based Game Creator. Use a map to make a branching paths text-based story game. Free to use.

Squiffy - Text-based Game Creator. have used Squiffy and it can make some really, truly incredible things. Can take a while to pick up, and learn how to use to its full potential. Free to use! Has an online and offline library of player creations you can get inspiration from!

Quest - Text-based Game Creator. I've never used this, but it seems cool! Use it to make interactive text-based DND game adventures in browser.

Ren'Py - Visual Novel Creator. Visual novel engine, that is well acclaimed, and of course, free to use!

Companion AI

Replika - 3D Companion.

Kajiwoto - Chatbot Companion. Customizable, learning AI you can shape into a personality. Communicates via Discord like chat box.

Organization

Toyhou.se - Character Gallery. A customizable library where you can upload all of your paras and characters for the public to view! Free to use, but requires a premium member to invite you!

Refsheet - Character Gallery. I haven't used it before, but I've heard good things, and that it's a suitable alternative to toyhou.se if you can't get an invite!

Notebook.AI - Character Gallery. I haven't used it before, but I've heard good things, and that it's a suitable alternative to toyhou.se if you can't get an invite!

World Anvil - World Building Toolset. Like character galleries, but for worlds and their lore :)

Scabard - World Building Toolset. Aimed at DnD campaigners, but I reckon it'll be useful for many!

YARPS - World Building Toolset. More focused around story and lore than Scabard or World Anvil, and looks beautiful! Still in its prototype stage, however.

Pinterest - Photo Organizer. Look at, collect, and sort images into boards. Personalizes your feed based on that, and is free to use and join! However, unlike their myriad of wonderful recipes, DIY tutorials, and the likes - a lot of the images are uploaded by second parties and not credited, so be careful reuploading anything you find! Also great for finding outfits and art inspo for your paras!

Generators

Fantasy Name Generator - Name Generators. Does what it says on the tin! Generates fantasy names. Is a lovely website, run by a purportedly lovely woman.

Fantasy Map Generator - Map Generator. Randomly generates a fictional map, which you can view in 2D or 3D.

Donjon RPG Generator - Multiple Generators. Can make maps, weapons, items, etc.

Seventh Sanctum - Multiple Generators. One of my favorites from high school! Does all kinds of things - the standard items, spells, and names - but also prompts, backstories, characters, and even comedy generators!

ShindanMaker - Multiple Generators. User created and uploaded, any kind of generator you can imagine, of varying complexity. And when I say any generator? I mean ANY generator.

Audio

Audacity - Record and Edit Audio. What can't Audacity do? I love Audacity to death. At surface level, it records audio. I've used it to record voices for my paras, and get audio for animations and games I've worked on. I cannot recommend it enough. Comprehensive editing, and with some investigation, it can do so, so much more than just record simple dialogue.

FL Studios - Compose. Compose music with an unlimited free trial. Upgrades available for purchase!

Indie Game Music - Royalty Free Music Library. Free to use Indie Game Music. What it says on the box!

AudioJungle - Royalty Free Music and Audio Library. Thousands of free to use audio clips!

Online Piano - Someone could use this, for recording, or just messing around. I've seen plenty of paras who play piano, this could just be used for fun!

Online Guitar - Same reasons as above, but this site looks kinda sketchy. Use at your own risk or reward! Audio

For real, if you ever need music, sound effects, or really any MP3 clips that can be used without infringing on copyright laws, just search 'royalty free' (music/audio/insert thing here) same applies for photos! Make sure the source is reputable, however.

Tutorials

W3Schools - Coding. Learn the basics of coding, for free, online!

Miscellaneous

Debut Video Capture - Screen Recorder. Record game footage and let's plays for free! Professional and home versions. I see a few of our community members have paras who run YouTube channels, and I thought these might help! It could be a nice way to connect your parames. YouTube quality <3

Pixton - Comic Maker. Comic making website. I have no experience with this at all, but some may find it useful!

Picfont - Image Editor. Puts customizable text on an image. I used these for @paraesthetics paracosm header edits <3 It has a premium version (???) but the free version has all functions, but it crashes regularly (honestly seems timed :/) but once you get it down, it's a very quick process, and you won't have to worry about that at all.

Itch.io - Publishing. You can publish your self made games here :)

Korsakow - ??? Described as, "The Future of Storytelling" and is apparently a way to create interactive films. I *just* found out about this, but thought I should include it for someone who may know how to use and appreciate it! Free? Unknown, at the moment.

Tips and Tricks

Animation Done Easy

Our forefather's of internet animation used MS Paint, Windows Movie Maker, and Audacity. All of these, or their equivalents, are free on standard computers. I, personally, use FireAlpaca - which works just as well, if not better, than MS Paint for animation - but takes longer, and definitely lacks that retro feeling. I also use my trackpad to draw and animate everything, so its doable, but probably not totally comfortable, to animate like this for most people :)

⚠️ Updates always pending! Suggestions always welcome! Feel free to message me any tips or questions <3 ⚠️

#immersive daydreaming #paraportal #paracosm #paracosms #paracosmonaut #madd art #art resources #masterpost #free resources

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haikyuu-matches · 4 years ago

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｡˚✰˚✦ 𝐒𝐓𝐀𝐑𝐁𝐔𝐑𝐒𝐓 𝐌𝐀𝐓𝐂𝐇𝐔𝐏

exchange with @necr0misis

— ❛ 𝗂𝖿 𝗂 𝗄𝗇𝗈𝗐 𝗐𝗁𝖺𝗍 𝗅𝗈𝗏𝖾 𝗂𝗌, 𝗂𝗍 𝗂𝗌 𝖻𝖾𝖼𝖺𝗎𝗌𝖾 𝗈𝖿 𝗒𝗈𝗎 ❜

˚✶⋆｡˚☆ﾟ✦

thank you so much for waiting !! and, thank you for bearing with me. i really hope you like this in spite of such a long wait (over a month oof--) ! ( ´ ▽ ` )ﾉ

˚✶⋆｡˚☆ﾟ✦

— 【❈】 ‣ i match you up with … 𝐌𝐈𝐘𝐀 𝐀𝐓𝐒𝐔𝐌𝐔 !!

you and atsumu would make such a powerful pair that i can’t think of matching you up with anyone else. first and foremost, i can imagine you two not getting along splendidly (*cough* frenemies to lovers trope *cough*), but as time goes on, you two will realize you harbor romantic feelings for each other !! and it’s actually goals--

it kind of goes like this: you don’t necessarily like how atsumu . . . has an arrogant streak. you can tell he knows he’s hot shit. he has this habit of calling things as he sees it, which is both admirable and kind of rude. he holds himself and others to a high standard. he sometimes fails to look at the way he treats others. even if he does see it, he doesn’t care enough to change himself.

whereas. . . you’re a bit of a foil to him. you’re kinder in your approach. given you’re naturally smart & you feel obligated to help others no matter how busy you are, you are so selfless! as opposed to atsumu, you recognize your flaws with social interactions! you try to fix it by sympathizing with and helping others even if it’s not natural to you.

with that note-- atsumu ends up realizing this about you & he think it’s pretty endearing. although he would be fairly annoyed that people may take advantage of you since you have a problem saying “no” to others. he’ll surprise you by seriously letting you know he has no problem letting down people for you if you ever need it.

it’s the small things that will shift your view on atsumu, and in turn, push you guys closer--

essentially, you may not like him especially at first. but ! i feel like you would see some of yourself in him, and you have more similarities than you both stubbornly refuse to admit. one being the fact you two hold such high expectations for yourselves, and you aren’t satisfied with the bare minimum. arguably, you both have this quality where if you’re passionate about something, you two will obsess over it and work at it.

i can see you guys often bumping into each other because you two are always working. you can’t avoid each other lol. with atsumu working on his volleyball skills on the court, and you working on crossfit in the gym, you see each other in passing ALL THE TIME.

when you two become close enough. . . in passing, you will playfully jab at each other about your respective work. to the onlookers, it’s definitely flirting, but to you guys, it’s not just that because your words definitely have an impact on each other. whether you intended this or not, you two push each other to be better with your teasing and sometimes brutal words.

for example, to the handsome setter, you might say something like “your serve’s looking weak there; you sure you’re putting in enough work ?” and that kind of riles atsumu up. he’d want to do better because his game depends on it, but also a large part of him (ahem, his ego) would want to prove you wrong. besides . . . is he a bit attracted with that someone who has the audacity to say such things to him? oh, that’s an easy yes.

on a different note, you never have to worry about filtering your words or saying something to appease atsumu. in fact, the setter would always want you to be “unapologetically yourself”, and he’d never want you to change for the supposed norm. i feel like he had a pretty apathetic view when it came to girls before meeting you (that squealin’ pig scene comes to mind dfiosjls).

he didn’t really seem to have an interest in relationships since he’s so dialed in on volleyball. however, in terms of what he generally looks for in a girlfriend, osamu remarks atsumu’s whipped for someone who has enough confidence to deal with his blunt, crude ways & not take everything he says so sensitively.

after a moment or two . . . atsumu will realize that’s literally you. catch osamu being like obviously

the two of you would be perfect because you stand your ground & call him out for his bullcrap. you just have this effect on him where you basically ground him & keep him more structured if that makes sense. in any case, you’re not so delicate and insecure that atsumu has to walk on ice for you. and vice versa.

also- atsumu loses it when you use your sarcastic humor & sharp wit against him. he absolutely lives for the banter you have. honestly, there’s so much tension whenever you guys are together that people just want you to kiss already. and you guys will. . . but in due time ~

it’s a bit of slow burn because it takes you both awhile to come to terms to the fact you like each other so much. . . even though you probably exchange more harsh comments than kind ones. after all, there’s a thin line between love and hate. yet, you two both get the unspoken message in spite of those words. but yeah, grappling with these feelings is hard. . .

when you guys finally exchange numbers (because you’re not just enemies now but perhaps friends-), atsumu surprisingly gets most of your memes you send him?? like, , , it’s kind of weird how he’s on the same wavelength as you, and you’re just like how does he know all these references??

by the way, your taste in music ? immaculate.

atsumu will definitely get into 70s music because that’s all you force let him to listen to when you’re hanging out. i can imagine that once you two become a thing, you’ll definitely have impromptu singing where atsumu is singing horridly (maybe on purpose to get on your nerves) and you’re trying to offset it. tbh, david bowie would cringe at atsumu’s poor rendition.

your hobbies of studying theoretical fields & absurd theories about reality may go over atsumu’s head at times, but he finds this side of yours rlly intriguing. he’s the "smarter” twin, so he’ll try to show off what knowledge he does possess in order to capture your affections. study dates are basically you two trying to roast each other & flirt more so than studying ahah.

generally speaking, you two tend to match each other’s energy, and i feel like it wouldn’t take too, too long for you to open up to atsumu and him for you. at least for friendship wise. there was initial dislike, but you two just mesh so well that the dislike kind of becomes a thing of the past.. like you two will find that you’re laughing and giggling in each other’s presence instead of just going at each other’s throats— you two can show your silly & goofy sides and i’m all here for that. just, the development!

and yes, it may take awhile for atsumu to accept his feelings for you, but once he does, he’ll make it clear what his intentions are. he’ll actually be a little weird at first because he’ll try to do something thoughtful or kind, like killing a spider instead of laughing at your horror like he normally does. and it’s unsettling to you.

anyway ! i feel like he’d just out of nowhere confess to you & you’re just left with a shook face because he likes you?? given your history with crushes, you weren’t expecting for atsumu to take that sort of interest in you but now you’re left with him awaiting your answer. . .

you say yes eventually- but atsumu definitely teases you for your mental lapse. but really his heart is doing somersaults and he’s over the moon-

honestly you two are like that athletic couple?? you doing crossfit and also swimming & atsumu doing volleyball? you two just look perfect together.

but also, power to you guys for working hard & chasing your dreams-- it’s so inspiring. atsumu will 100% support all your dreams & endeavors even if they seem all over the place. like if you want to go into biomedical engineering, yes, atsumu will be there for a caffeine run if you need some for studying. or perhaps even astrophysics? atsumu will do his best to support you with whatever it may be-- even with his own busy schedule. his actions tend to show his love than his words.

to conclude, atsumu and you would make such a great match. because there would be obvious attraction but also that relentless, aggressive support. there’s some stark differences in your personalities, yes, but there’s also enough similarities to keep you two compatible as well. i see your relationship as a crackling fire because i get “eternal flame” vibes from you two. like your relationship will stay alive in spite of fights or arguments, and the passion to relay your love for each other will remain through and through.

possible runner-ups:

iwaizumi hajime

tsukishima kei

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jbbuckybarnes · 5 years ago

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Time Stops

Pairing: Bucky x Reader Desc: This is for @ussgallifreyfics #gallifreys500 writing challenge. Not beta read. Prompt: “They say when you meet the love of your life, time stops, and that’s true.” - Big Fish Warnings: FLUFF

MASTERLIST

They say when you meet the love of your life, time stops, and that’s true. You’ve seen it with friends that had met their soulmates the day they were ready to. They stopped aging. When you turned 18 you could find your soulmate and never age again. While that was beautiful, it also put a lot of pressure on you and a lot of pity on people growing old. Usually people would just feel who their soulmate is, but there also were soulmate marks. They weren’t big or anything to brag with, but yours was a little heart-shaped darker spot on the back of your right hand. Right between the thumb and the pointer finger connection. Definitely a space you massaged a lot when you got nervous.

Right now was one of those situations. You were waiting in line to get onto a plane to New York City. A trip you made once or twice a year to meet your friends. While you loved New York, you hated flying. The many alien attacks and whatnot of the last decade weren’t helping with your anxiety. The plane being delayed on top of that was even worse for your mind going in circles. A big man sat down next to you, putting down a duffle bag and getting out a book with the title, “Love, Simon.” Wasn’t that a book about a closeted teenage boy? Didn’t match up at all with the giant frame the man had, but you smiled to yourself. You scrolled through Instagram, created a new collection for cute cat pictures and went on about your anxiety soothing. When you were finally boarding, your anxiety went through the roof again. Thankfully you had downloaded a whole documentary for the flight, otherwise you’d go insane. When you were situated in the plane and had gotten out your headphones, the giant man found his seat, the one which just so happened to be next to you. It was about to get cozy, but you weren’t complaining. You’d rather have a giant man with a good taste in books next to you than a creep or a family with a newborn baby. After your heart almost jumped out of your chest while you took off you finally could relax and start watching your space documentary. Every now and then you felt him flip a page in his book very delicately. Your hand landed on the little table your phone was situated on to give him more space, which is when you started to feel the stare on you. Well, now it WAS a little creepy. He tapped your shoulder and you stopped the show and looked at him. Woah, wait, you knew that face. That was Bucky Barnes, wasn’t it? “Sorry for interrupting, I just...I saw you like space and, uh, could you tell me what documentary that is? It looks awesome.” he gave a shy smile before looking away, right hand going through his beard. Wait a damn second. “Huh?” he looked back at you confused. “I said that out loud.” you stated to yourself and closed your eyes. “Yes, you did.” Now he was grinning at you, eyeing your slightly flustered face. “Uh, your soulmate mark. Are you…?” your eyes went from his eyes to his hand. “What makes you think that?” “You didn’t really age but you also were in cryo a lot, so it’s quite difficult to tell.” you grinned. He smiled wide and looked down on his hand before shaking his head, “No, haven’t found them. I don’t think I ever will. 70 years is quite a lot-” He saw your right hand come into his field of vision and his eyes went wide and back up at you. You were amused at the weird situation you had just put each other into and you couldn’t deny that you liked how he turned into a soft dorky man. But maybe that was just him outside of the news. “So...uh...wow.” Another time that he went through his hair. “Yeah,” you looked up at him with shimmery eyes. You respected the man in front of you so much for what he went through and that he was still here. But that giant dork that looked illegally good was your soulmate? That must be a dream. “So...would you like to go on a date anytime soon? I’d love to get to know you.” he got a little confidence back and gave an unsure smile to you. “Of course, I know this really great brunch place in the Upper West Side.” you smiled a little giddy. “Spring Natural Kitchen?” he asks. “Spring Natural Kitchen.” you nodded chuckling. “Wanda told me about it. She loves testing new places whenever she’s not on call.” “Sounds like I’d get along great with her.” “So...why are you flying to New York? You live there?” he finally asks and you shake your head. “I live near Denver and come here sometimes to meet friends and have a good time for a week or two.” “Which city’s better?” he smirked. “I like both, but I have a job back in Denver that I love. I’m working in a very laid back modern restaurant, café kinda establishment.” you explained. “Well, if you’re my soulmate, you might as well open up a second one of those in New York City, cause that sounds great.” By now he was so deep in your flirting battle that he totally forgot that he just met you. “You just want that cinnamon cupcake goodness.” you laughed. “I’d never say no to any food, I think that gets very clear when you look at me.” he looked down on himself. “Hm, yeah, a little.” You grinned, “Hungry giant.” “Oh, we’re already starting pet names, huh?” his brows went up. The giggle escaping you widened his big smile. ___ *You ready to get picked up and judged by Sam Wilson?* *Why not by Wanda? Or literally anyone that’s not Sam?* *I ask myself that every single day, darling.* *I’m ready by the way...and ready to fight Wilson if I need to.* *Sure, darling.* you could practically feel him grinning at his phone screen. *And by that I mean, if he dares to, you’ll defend me anyway, cause you’re cute like that.* Not too long after the AirBnB’s doorbell rang and you ran to the door in your comfy outfit. It was a brunch date, not a fancy gala. When you opened the door you were met with his audacity to wear a leather jacket. “Aw, come on. Really? A leather jacket? Like you don’t know that it’s super hot?” you pouted and were pulled into a hug. “You look cute. Is that Totoro on your sweater?” he held you and looked down on you. “Old man knows Totoro, check.” you grinned. “Hey, I’ve been catching up for 4 years. There needs to be SOME stuff that sticks.” “Could the lovebirds that both can’t drive please move their asses a little faster?” you heard out of a car behind Bucky. “Could the angry bird please chill?” Bucky answered without even looking at him. “C’mon, let’s go and give the man a break.” you chuckled before taking his hand and dragging him towards the car. “So, tell me about yourself. Anything that I don’t already know from social media and our chats.” he grinned. “I stress bake, my favorite shows are all documentaries, I’d love to have a cat, I’m into astrology, I love to draw and paint, my music taste is a literal dumpster fire and I really like sneakers.” you counted a few that you found to be relevant to yourself. “I’m still learning to cook new foods. I actually have a cat, her name’s Alpine, she’s an absolute whirlwind but she’s the most loyal little thing ever.” he smiled. “What kinda cat is she?” you asked excited. “British Shorthair and white.” he beamed. “I already love her. I’d love to get a completely black cat.” you leaned onto your hands. “We could.” he squinted with a cheeky smile. “You’re already thinking about moving my ass to New York, aren’t you?” you chuckled. “You’re my soulmate, why not? It’s not like you’re a shot in the dark or anything like that.” That made you feel warm inside, very very warm. “Yeah, guess you’re right.” you looked at the table flustered. “So, assuming you would stay here…” he got your attention back and god were his eyes sure of you staying here, “...would you actually open up a cool place like this?” “I’d love to but...renting a place like this in New York City? Making it look nice and advertising it? That’s so hard.” “Hi, you’re sitting in front of the longest prisoner of war. If you think Sam didn’t sue the shit out of the military to get me paid for that, then you’re wrong.” he grinned accomplished. “Bucky, you can’t-” “I can, tell me what you’d want to do.” he smiled at you softly, grabbing your hand. After a few moments of grasping the moment you continued, “Well, similar to this place, but with cakes, pies and cookies. And with a completely different color scheme. Very bright, like white and some pastel colors. I’d try to find tons of recipe’s online and let you try them until I have like 12 good and special ones that work. I’d always have a jar of triple chocolate cookies and a chocolate bomb cake. Maybe even sweet ice cream in summer? I’d have chessboard tiled wall behind the counter and hang nice art work in the rest of the place. I’d probably have someone bring in dog cake every week so they also get some good food. I’d make milkshakes, have a barista working and would create some special hot chocolate mix. Maybe I’d do something themed after you. Like little cookies with the- wait, do you hate the red star on your old arm? I know it’s very much a connection to the Sowjets, but I don’t really look at it like that.” “I’m neutral about it. I write autographs on cards with red stars all the time.” he shrugged. “Then there will be red star cookies. Maybe something themed after your bird friend?” you grinned. “He needs to work for it.” he laughed. “I make a mad cinnamon banana milkshake. That would sell very well.” you mumbled before taking a sip from the drink in front of you. “Cookies with red chocolate melted into it...that’s a good one for Wanda, isn’t it?” you smiled shyly, trying to not misjudge his friends. “I love that idea. Maybe something egg based for Sam, you know, cause he’s a falcon. I’ll shut my mouth…” he grinned and watched you snort laugh. The waffles you ordered were set down in front of you and you continued talking about the interior of your dream place. “I don’t know if I’d do it in Manhattan or Brooklyn. I mean Brooklyn literally has cute food places as its elevator pitch.” “I guess it depends where you’d find a place.” “Yeah, forgot, we’re in the ultimate place of renting stuff.” you grumbled and heard him chuckle. ___ “Finally!” you jumped around in the empty space that was about to become your own little store. You’d been with Bucky for three months now and your old boss was more than happy to have a new venture. And you were more than happy to have gotten such a great soulmate. He even got his driver's license to drive you around and go on little trips with you when he wasn’t working. Brooklyn Heights, right next to the Brooklyn Bridge, with an apartment right above. “Let’s measure and buy a nice kitchen for you to bake cupcakes in, darling.” he grabbed you close. “You just wanna eat, honey.” you pouted. “Of course, I eat everything you make.” he planted a kiss onto your forehead. “Hm, okay, let’s measure and drive to Home Depot too.” you smiled content and got another kiss. “You know, I think I found you at the right time. I like how you look. Not a day too young or too old.” you mumbled. “I would have loved you at any age I could’ve found you.” he hummed. “Yeah, that’s because you’re a hopeless romantic.” you giggled. “Only for you, darling.” “Love you,” you mumbled before pressing your lips against his, “so much.” “Let’s get your dream kitchen,” he said while lightly slapping your ass. “Hey! Watch your hands, Barnes.” you playfully scolded him. “Yes, ma’am.” he rolled his eyes before picking you up and carrying you to the damn car himself.

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alchemist-shizun · 5 years ago

Text

A song to fix what’s wrong (Take what’s broken make it whole)

Read on Ao3!

Word Count: 4,525

Taglist: @max-is-tired @bookwormscififan

Characters: Cecil, Carlos, (others briefly or only mentioned)

Pairing(s): Are you even asking. Cecilos

Warning(s): Crying, Negative thoughts (not too deep), Blood mention, Death mention (minor), Kissing, Swearing (once, during narration)

and yours truly, heavily projecting

Summary: A review of a relationship, a retelling of a story already told. You know how it goes, all you need to do is … dive into the symphony and let yourself swim around the sweetest and hardest events.

A/N: Me? Putting 4 songs in a single fic? More likely than my fake originality makes you think. Song lyrics used for the fic is the english cover of Fuyu no Hanashi by Nordex, I recommend you listen to it. (Original can be found here.) Alright so this basically leads up to the 70th episode, there might be some references to the first episodes too, let’s say it’s a very tiny review of a large amount of time. There’s a moment towards that is not chronologically put compared to the scene after it but yeah, just think of the points of view as their own little stories. Also the more I wrote this the more I didn’t realize I was typing down some exact feelings and thoughts I didn’t even remember they had. I’m basically connected, help. Well without any further ado, hope you enjoy~

✾

❝ I’d die for you any day My life’s over anyway Lets go to the empty park And talk ‘til it’s really dark. ❞

✾

Just like the snow that won’t completely melt away

I keep with me these feelings deep inside.

Just let me know the words.

How dare he? How could he have done that to him?

Cecil was pacing down the hall heading towards his workplace, with a hand through his hair and a huff forming on his lips.

There was literally no need for him to be able to do that and yet he still had the audacity to turn his heart into a puddle of overwhelming sensations.

He had to come there, with his perfect hair, perfect coat, and perfect being, claim he was a scientist with his perfectly smart words and arguments and ruin the peace for his and the town’s heartbeats.

But mostly his.

The frequency with which his flow of thoughts constantly derailed from his regular ones to the most admiring observations about the scientist couldn’t help but grow with every week he spent in their town.

Cecil was happy to report any news or confirmed rumors about Carlos, anything would have resulted in creating a joyful aura around the recording room. And the citizens were definitely noticing a smile in his voice whenever they heard him talk about Carlos.

It was like a blow of the wind during a blazing hot day in the middle of the warmest summer day. Not only satisfying, but also you don’t realize how much you had needed it until you notice the way it makes you feel so much better.

And the great amount you miss it when it’s gone.

But how could Cecil express that if he yet had no clue of the other’s considerations of him?

Sure, they had talked more than once, he had even left him his phone number, but … there hadn’t been any significant turns since there.

No talk of weekend plans either, sadly.

Should he have just … shoved it all down? What kind of nonsense was that? There was no way he would have succeeded. With so much increasing appreciation, he was only going to explode.

And then, something finally happened.

The voicemails, the ones he had shared with his listeners. The squealing he may or may not have recorded right onto the mic, too.

Out of all people. Carlos had decided to call him.

It was when time had started to stop. Slow down … restart again? He could not tell.

Furthermore, they had even talked on the phone and agreed to meet up the day after, it all sounded like Cecil was finally getting the shift of his life.

As much as he sounded so ingenuous around Carlos. But hey, he was panicking, okay?

It could happen even to the best of the radio hosts who’s able to talk to a multitude of people at once without failing a beat.

He could do this, he had the words.

Should I just close now the door that guards strongly this love?

You’re my everything and now my soul keeps calling for you

There was something Carlos most definitely didn’t notice.

All he had done until then was partaking into all the experiments and research he could have, studying one of the most scientifically interesting places he’d ever been to.

He thought that was all that it was to him.

And yet …

After that one day, he kept going back to him.

They had met, they had talked, Cecil had been certainly useful in giving him some fundamental information on the town and other important contacts he still didn’t have.

It was also nice because … well, with his team of other valuable scientists, it was easier to get lost in confronting each other’s thoughts and hypothesis. With Cecil, on the other hand, he could have done that for hours, rambling about things he loved and his interlocutor probably didn’t understand and still feel like he was listened to thoroughly.

It was kind of endearing when Cecil kept nodding, but with a confused expression adorning his face.

He kept going back, again.

But, as we mentioned, there was something he didn’t notice about himself.

More than often he called with the excuse of using him as a mean of reaching for all the citizens to get the word of a discovery out, or looking for some of their knowledge.

He liked his excitement when Cecil answered.

He also liked his name, he had thought to himself once. It was like a melody.

Nonetheless, he had no idea where that came from. Did he hear that in a musical? About another town … way down somewhere?

Anytime he confronted his feelings, that was what happened. He involuntarily diverted them; his process of thinking had always been pretty fast, so much that his talking was unstoppable during an epiphany or breakthrough.

Eventually, his subconscious would have arisen, slapped him in the face, and yelled at him to face those feelings for once instead of solely focusing on science.

Which finally happened during the attack of tiny men at the Bowling Alley. He knew he was going to put himself in danger acting that way.

There was nothing to fear, huh?

It would have been grave danger too, if the Apache Tracker hadn’t jumped and taken the hits in his place.

This is something that makes you wonder. About your condition, about how you could have died in a matter of seconds if the projectiles had been that tiny bit more to the left.

About your life and where you are now and how it could have drastically changed. It was like a near-death experience. It fueled his deepest impulsive thoughts to burst at once.

If he had died back then, be wouldn’t have finished his research. He wouldn’t have known anything more about the town, anything more about the bizarre happenings around it. About the citizens. About Cecil.

Cecil. He needed to see Cecil, even if it meant ripping him from his desk, he needed the comfort he was sure he could find in him. He needed to let him know he treasured him.

Not many words came, in the end.

They just stared into the distant nothingness, Cecil’s head resting on his shoulder.

And Carlos, who had imperceptibly sighed, finally found the place to smile.

And now I am completely in love

Just walk right now along with me

Through all the ways that we can go

I ask right now: don’t let me go?

Cecil still couldn’t believe he had had a date with the most stupendous scientist he had ever met. He was still baffled by the fact that he had met him at all.

And yet there they were, filled with pleasant food thanks to the Italian restaurant, walking around town with their arms sometimes linked, fingers sometimes intertwining, eyes going to the sky and smiling as they caught blinking lights or each other’s stare.

Wonderful, a wonderful night indeed that couldn’t have ended better. Or so Cecil thought.

Because when he had driven him home, Carlos had hesitated in his seat. Cecil was about to ask him what was the matter, when the scientist turned to face him and leaned forward, placing a hand on his shoulder that was too soon torn away.

Soft lips were placed on his for a brief moment that didn’t even feel real.

Cecil could only stare in Carlos’s direction as he bid his farewell and disappeared behind closed doors.

All too soon.

Were he to be more lucid, he would have probably begged him not to let go in such a short amount of time. He didn’t even want him to go just yet …

Cecil could have even gotten out of his car and knock on his door, wrap his arms around Carlos and never, ever, leave his side.

Instead, he turned on the engine and shook off those musings from his mind. That was when he had realized he had fallen even deeper in love all over again.

With no goodbyes or moving on

Just stay with me wherever I go

Don’t let me be alone

Carlos knew it was disappointing.

Their relationship had been going wonderfully and having distance separate them was one of the worst things that could have happened, especially now that they were so used to living together.

He couldn’t count the times Cecil had warned him to be careful in that Desert Otherworld where everything seemed to work for a reason he was still working on.

He was by Dana’s side one of the first times he had been able to pay a visit as a hologram.

Such a mess had been going down in Night Vale right then, with all that Strexcorp issue to be solved.

Yet, he was still the one to be reminded of mindfulness.

« Don’t worry Cecil. » he had told him, the ringing of his words still clear in his mind. « A scientist is always fine. »

He firmly believed that was going to be true, in the long run. Not too long would have passed before he could have been back.

Loneliness couldn’t be a thing when they still could call each other and digitally see each other, right?

The spell or maybe curse has not been broken yet

I’m still holding the baggage that I had

Just please relieve this pain

It was so hard. So so hard, on Cecil’s part. He couldn’t help but still feel like Carlos was trapped in that desert, never to find or trust old oak doors again.

The more time he spent away, the more Cecil’s mind wandered about other thoughts than what he should have been focusing on.

Focusing was something impossible, at the time.

Everything seemed impossible, burdening, complicated.

Things he loved doing, forgotten. Uncared for. He felt so off any suggestion wouldn’t have been a good enough distraction.

He couldn’t stop the tension in his body, the lingering feeling of restlessness, waiting for something that never came, disappointing himself for dreaming of things he couldn’t obtain just yet.

Yes, obviously, he should have been happy Carlos was going to make the most important breakthrough in his life, but … not having him by his side every now and then was simply painful.

It was as if some kind of malevolent deity had been watching him and laughing by themselves at his misfortune.

And yet, their love seemed to be growing forevermore, not an inch too little or too much, but the exact amount both of them needed. It was soft and enough and they knew, which was everything that sustained them and told them to carry on and store their strongest feelings for the moment in which they’d have been able to finally see each other again.

If only … if only there could have been an easy way to get rid of all the doubtful and unhappy feelings that stuck to his brain.

He didn’t trust himself to be able to get through the days with the same attitude anymore.

Didn’t trust his mind, most of all.

Wasn’t there a service to get read of his thoughts in the most brutal manner for at least a small amount of days?

Hey, what’s our future?

What should I keep on waiting for?

What am I supposed to find in this cold place, let me know?

It was all going so smoothly.

Sometimes it happened. You think you’re doing just fine and then, one day, the world comes crashing all at once.

A multitude of good days eventually results in one of the worst ones of your life and you’re left to think “Where did I go wrong? Why do I deserve this? Do I even deserve this?”

Carlos had been basically running around all day, chasing Doug and Alisha down with their army of giants, who were continuously charging other beings who dared to wander around the limits of their land.

No moment of peace could be found, no place to rest, no listening to him!

It was insane, they still attacked even when their conditions appeared to be grave and unbearable.

The kitchen counter had already been torn to pieces when the group decided to head for the battle again, Carlos resigned to sigh heavily and not follow this time.

It had been much better when Cecil stayed there. Maybe … he should have stayed even later.

What was even bound to happen there anymore? Could he have carried on with his research when he had to tend to an entire army that was there to protect and help him, in their own ways?

Lately in those days he had felt off. The excitement for his work was still there, of course, but the emptiness from when he had woken up still lingered.

Was taking Cecil there a good idea?

Looking outside, he saw the army retiring to his place, some completely covered in blood, some severely injured.

Doubt came in.

For a moment, he tried to ignore it.

He picked up the phone and got back to Kevin’s reporting.

The tears are falling from my eyes

They’re freezing everything inside

How much could someone fool their mind before the world came crashing down on them altogether, on the verge of falling apart and with nothing and none to stop the feeling of impending doom upon them?

It was a question Cecil had been wondering for quite some time by then, in all its varying forms.

And how much longer until the minimal inconvenience was going to break him apart?

He had been … so proud of that painting. Few were the times in which he took one of his works with him at the radio station, they were mostly things that reminded him of Khoshekh.

But then, yeah. He needed to be reminded of happiness. Joy. Carlos. All the feelings that he brought him and never ceased to twist his insides in a pleasant manner.

And as he looked at the painting while sitting at his desk, the more he felt like he could enter that dimension and reach him if he were to brush the surface of the canvas.

His feet moved by themselves: it was the weather report anyway. He had time for some musing; he held his hand out and stretched to the landscape.

Yet, the colors only warmed under his touch. And nothing else happened.

Except for a loud crash against that same wall as soon as he had stepped away from it.

Wide eyes went over the destruction laid upon them, steps still slowly retreating to the desk.

Cecil gripped its surface tight to steady himself. His mind was emptied for a second as he processed the scene in front of him.

Not only was part of the room demolished, but also his painting had completely and inevitably torn to pieces too.

The one that followed was the longest moment of silence Cecil had ever experienced.

Everything was nothing for even a sole instant.

Then, nothing became all he had ever tried to do, because nothing mattered anymore now that fate wanted to delete all the traces of happiness left in his body.

So the first tear came. Then another. And another, another, another, so much that he fell to his knees and his blurred vision turned away because he couldn’t just bear the sight any longer.

He felt betrayal, but not his own.

It was as if, with the work of art, part of his heart had died. Part of his love, denied. Part of them and their relationship, completely discarded.

He had spent so much time perfectioning the details, so long daydreaming Carlos’s gorgeous figure and stopping to think back at how he was dating the best person in the world.

Now it felt like that didn’t happen at all.

He simply wanted to be confident in his own work again. He only needed a goddamn moment to reassure himself when none else could be there for him.

A way not to disregard it all and look for a way to find his peace again.

It was like a gift. He had been so proud …

An hour or so had passed before he noticed the weather report was about to end.

Cecil got back to his feet and headed towards his seat, ignoring the breeze that tickled his skin.

He sighed deeply, his chest aching with every sob that had escaped his lips in the past minutes.

The last notes of the melody echoed within the room, as he wiped the tears away from his cheeks and regained his composure. Not even reporting made him feel better anymore.

When silence filled the chaos around him, he took a few beats to stabilize his voice. His eyes opened and so did his mouth. And the words started flowing.

But he couldn’t hide his torment any longer.

He told them what had happened. He told them of the debris, of the veiled pain, of the safety.

« It’s fine. Yup. Everything’s fine. »

Cecil? Well, he blatantly lied. To himself and all his listeners.

And maybe, for the time being, that was for the best.

Of course, before, once the recording had finished, he broke down again.

Under this beautiful blue sky

They’re just pretending to be kind

« No. » Carlos’s face fell. « No, no, no. »

His eyes searched his lab for a sign of any single object or the smallest of notes that could have been saved.

Everything had shattered to the ground covered in fur, everything had been crushed to pieces and there was nothing he could have done.

He found none.

Carlos let out the breath he had been holding as he entered the room and was met with that disastrous mess.

He forced himself to approach his workplace, his eyes filled with tears over stress, the frustration and disappointment of having lost an entire year worth of research.

All his sorrow couldn’t fit in his chest.

As a hand flew to his mouth, the other trailed over the papers on the desk, staining with blood with every brush of his fingertips.

He felt sick.

He felt sick of blood, sick of fights, sick of distance and this situation he couldn’t bear anymore.

What was even the point of staying when his discoveries didn’t matter anymore? Just for the clear days and nights above him? When he wondered if Cecil’s stars were the same as his?

Carlos blinked back the tears that didn’t have the time to fall.

He found the only blank sheet of paper, picked up a pen, and started writing.

Time passes by and I can’t stop crying out loud just like a child.

Cecil could say … it only got worse with time.

As the weeks passed, as the air surrounding him only got heavier and heavier with every single second weighing down on his whole body, like as if he could literally feel the aging and passage of time on his shoulders, it only got worse.

He did hope and almost believe his vacation would have been of any kind of help. He resisted the voices in his head telling him it wouldn’t have been of significance, like any other method he had tried.

Cecil had spent time with Janice too before that, to see if he could feel again or if he really just had to give up on it all.

It worked for the few hours they were together. After that, the complete void once again.

It wasn’t like the void wasn’t friendly, but … even the closest of friends could grow excessive if they stuck with you the same way the void was doing.

And the emptiness.

And the sadness.

The one that hit during night, or when you’re craving hugs, the one that makes existing an aching experience because all you’d need is comfort but you can’t have it the way you desire.

Those moments in which you seem to cry for no reason when you’re actually trying to convince yourself you have no idea why this is happening to you, but you know exactly what’s wrong deep inside.

But you don’t give voice to your emotions in fear of hurting someone or concerning someone else. So you keep everything in a little corner of your mind and you let it explode at once.

Maybe with silent crying, maybe in an empty room.

Maybe nowhere at all, just in some indefinite time. Maybe it’s not happening.

Or you’re not realizing.

That you’re falling apart in front of your very own eyes.

The two of us have now been torn apart.

Carlos had stepped into the radio station of the Desert Otherworld when a wave of queasiness hit him yet again just like it had earlier that day, after he had turned off the call to stop the masked giants.

Was that … blood? Bones?

He was so tired, so much the once so-called paradise had become a burden itself.

He couldn’t live like that anymore.

He shouldn’t have lived like that at all.

And he convinced himself of this the more his conversation with Kevin prolonged.

An entire year spent away from where he belonged, from whom he belonged to. He needed to remedy that.

Kevin just kept smiling the same way he always did, too wide and too happy to be real. It made it just that tiny bit harder to deliver the letter.

Being aware you’re going to hurt someone else’s feelings wasn’t exactly the most ideal thought.

But there were others he had been hurting while staying there.

He pretended he didn’t notice all those little different behaviors when Cecil had been there.

His hand held a bit tighter, the hugs a bit longer, lips lingering just that much more both of them needed. How he never left his side, how he insisted on those five more minutes before getting up.

And it wasn’t like Carlos was complaining, he knew Cecil was trying to make the most of his time, but he just knew there was so much more than that underneath his demeanor.

He only didn’t have the heart to ask him.

Sometimes, he did capture Night Vale’s radio-waves, a couple of figments of what Cecil reported about the news, the usual stuff, and … his discomfort.

Everything felt wrong ever since he told him to move to the Desert Otherworld.

Then everything went wrong, like a message from a futile destiny ahead warning him about the wrong possibilities, which are always too many to dwell on them instead of taking action.

Which was why, after so many signs that day, he was there to leave that letter on Kevin’s desk.

«Choose not to be sad, Carlos. » Kevin had said. « In fact, choose to be happy! »

That was probably what fueled him to leave even more. He would’ve understood, once he had read through the letter, as painful as it could have been for him.

It was true, he was doing that for his own happiness. There was nothing left of it in there anymore, if not the ghost of joyful memories that were ripped from his hands the moment they ended.

Memories didn’t make you feel with the same intensity of when you experience something.

A quiet melody sang in the middle of the desert’s silent symphony. « Keep smiling through just like you always do. 'Till the blue skies drive the dark clouds far away. »

He was going to change everything. Make one final travel to where he was going to stay. That one thing, he was sure it did feel right.

« So will you please say hello to the folks that I know? Tell them I won’t be long. »

Especially the freedom no longer waiting outside of that utopic land …

« They’ll be happy to know that as you saw me go I was singin’ this song. »

… of when his feet almost basically sprinted outside of the dog park.

And now I am completely in love

and nothing else will matter now

through all the ways that we can go

I ask right now: don’t let me go?

The sense of familiarity and liberation dawned on Carlos as soon as he had stepped into Night Vale after so long away.

Along with it, the anticipation of seeing his lover made a buzzing feeling take over his stomach. It wasn’t anxiety, it was what he learnt to name “that one sensation that makes you fully comprehend what 'I can’t wait’ truly means”.

He was late for the opera, fine with him, anything would have made do if it ultimately led to Cecil.

It was when he finally found himself right beside him that he forgot everything he knew apart from the fact that, yes, he had been completely, fully and ineffably in love with him this whole time and he wasn’t going to deny it anytime soon.

In fact, he was going to take that into account and love him even more if possible, nothing else existed other than his absolute admiration.

« We’ll meet again. Don’t know where, don’t know when. But I know we’ll meet again some sunny day. » he heard a quiet voice sing.

And when their eyes met after such a long amount of time that he felt like he was going to turn Cecil’s head himself, there was no space for rational thoughts.

Therefore, none of them were able to form rational arguments either.

So Carlos went for an embrace he honestly never wanted to end.

A single whispered line escaped his thoughts before he gave word to his musings.

« Please, don’t let me go. »

Their hug grew even tighter.

With no goodbyes or moving on

You’ll always be right here with me.

Together forever.

Words upon words flowed in the night between them, so many Cecil had been hardly able to take them all in.

Right then, though, he knew his earlier uncertainty had now a reason. Everything always had a reason when it came to Carlos. Everything started to make sense yet again.

They talked about all and nothing and the entirety of their situation, but briefly and with sweet resolutions.

It was all starting to be back to normal, and his family and friends were there to make sure it would remain that way.

There was no place to leave.

But to stay.

And that was a thing both Cecil and Carlos could do together, the oblivion they had been living in for the past year soon put behind their shoulders.

The certainty of waking up next to their loved one, the motivation of going through the day excitedly because you may never know what waited for you at home, the comforting of a cuddle pile on a rainy day with your favorite person and your favorite pet.

It was all that filled their minds.

And, for the time being, it was also all they needed.

#wtnv #wtnv fanfic #cecil palmer #cecilos #wtnv cecil #wtnv carlos #carlos the scientist #read the warnings #long post #purp's writings

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d-p-f-m · 5 years ago

Text

WRITING PROMPTS✒

(A) Scenarios:

1. I've never seen that side of you.

2. That was the first time they've said they love me.

3. I'm going to kiss you.

4. Can't you stay a little longer?

5. Who said you could be in here?

6. Say that again, I dare you.

7. I wanted to check on you. ... you also have the most comfortable bed and I really need a nap right now.

8. I can't believe you have the audacity to look at me like that and not kiss me.

9. What the hell are you doing here?

10. Somehow I always end up here, with you.

11. Wow, thanks. You're making this situation SO much better.

12. Am I going to die?!

13. Were you ever going to tell me?

14. Wait... aren't you mad?

15. Not everything about your life has to be some dramatic scene. We're adults. I'm going home.

16. I'm happy for you, really.

17. You've never been good at lying to me.

18. Because they're gonna gossip about me!

19. Why are you looking at me like that?

20. Breathe.

21. We should get you home.

22. If you think I'm going to chase after you, you're delusional.

23. So... it's over?

24. You're angry with me.

25. Get out of my face.

26. Why do you look so mad?

27. Please don't cry.

28. If you keep brushing my hand like that, I'm going to have to hold yours.

29. My neck is sore. Please kiss it.

30. ... is it weird that this works on me?

31. Sure, come try and use your flirting skills on me.

32. You look like you've been through hell and back.

33. You're finally home./I'm finally home.

34. Did I mention you look great tonight?

35. I'm not jealous!

36. I was actually going to kiss you, but if you're into that sort of thing then I'm in.

37. I won't leave you alone tonight.

38. If you don't stop looking at my lips without doing anything about it, I will take you right here on this counter.

39. This is really akward, isn't it?

40. Don't act innocent. You had me pinned underneath you five minutes ago.

41. Don't look at me like that and then feign innocence.

42. I've told you not to do that.

43. Was I not supposed to?

44. You know I love/hate it when you do that.

45. But I like touching you there.

46. Take everything off, but that.

47. Am I making you nervous?

48. You're distracting me in the best way.

49. Damn why can't I speak?

50. Oh, you want me to take my clothes off?

51. Not that kind of hungry.

52. You know it drives me crazy.

53. Stop flirting.

54. Hands off.

55. I'm not going to stop until you give me some attention.

56. Oh... did that hit your dick?

57. Enjoying the view, beautiful?

58. Do you really think you being shirtless is going to distract m- oh...

59. No touchy until I hear a sorry.

60. You keep saying that we're friends but you look at me for a moment too long for that to be true.

61. Make me.

62. You moan really loud and my neighbors think we're having sex.

63. If you could only see how beautiful you look right now.

64. If I didn't know you better I'd say you were trying to flirt with me.

65. It's just... you're mine.

66. Will you stay the night?

67. I can't believe you remembered.

68. I know a lot of things about you. Probably more than I care to admit.

69. Soulmate shit, it's hardcore as hell.

70. It's comforting being in your arms.

71. Can you stop playing connect the dots with my freckles?

72. Wow... never knew you could be so scary.

73. No, I'm not letting you go.

74. Are you planning to stay glued to my side the whole time?

75. Wow, you look... amazing.

76. Would you just shut up and kiss me already?

77. Kiss me like you mean it.

78. Wow. All the emotional trauma I faced because of you has just been erased. Thank you so much.

79. Can you just hold me?

80. So... we're just going to ignore the fact that you drunk-dialed me to tell me you love me?

81. Did you just kiss me?

82. You're just lazy.

83. I heard that!

84. You were supposed to!

85. You can't banish me! This is my bed(room) too!

86. You know... if you didn't want us to be late you shouldn't be so comfortable.

87. It's too early to get out of bed.

88. You're so cute when you're half asleep like this.

89. You snuck into my room, at... 4am... to cuddle?

90. Is that my shirt?

91. I can't believe you actually like wearing my clothes.

92. You keep that photo of us in your wallet?

93. I'll teach you how to dance.

94. Why the hell are you on the floor?

95. I'm so tired, it burns when I close my eyes.

96. I'm not think as you drunk I am.

97. Look, you're on the news.

98. Are you a demon or something?

99. Why do I feel like I'm home whenever I'm with you?

100. Can we hug?

101. Can I sit here?

102. Stay here with me.

103. We're not in a drama, you know.

104. Wow, next you're going to tell me you're a mafia boss.

105. You look like you're going to punch me.

106. I know this is all for show, but do we really have to be so bloody domestic?

107. Can you give me a massage?

108. You look like you're going to cry.

109. Well, that certainly killed the mood.

110. I missed you so much.

111. I should have killed you that day.

112. Do you hate me that much?

113. Don't look at what I had for you and call it weak. Not when you were the one afraid of it.

114. These tears aren't for you, asshole!

115. I'm going to make it right.

116. Maybe I don't want to accept that they're gone!

117. I really don't want to hurt you.

118. I'm having such a great time, so why don't you just leave me the fuck alone!

119. Are you trying to get yourself killed?

120. I want to spend the little time I have left with you and only you.

(B) Texts:

1. Can you read my mind or something?

2. You can't expect people to know how you're feeling if you don't say anything.

3. Do you think it helps me when you say that?

4. Everything seems easier when I'm with you.

5. I don't know about you, but I'd gladly let you ruin my life.

6. I don't know why you're telling me all this.

7. You're literally everything they ever talk about. It's almost annoying.

8. What was I supposed to say? 'Hey, I'm in love with you, despite you friend zoning me and dating other people multiple times, proving you're not into me'?

9. They died because of me. If I can live with that fact then you can handle your shit too.

10. I get the feeling there's a lot of tension between you two. Did something happen?

11. That's literally all you do. All the time.

12. I'm about to offend you. So brace yourself and don't get mad at me.

13. I don't think I can forgive you.

14. If it's important to them, they're going to come get it back. Which means they'll have to talk to me.

15. Are you implying that I made you cheat on me?

16. Was she smart enough to dumb you yet?

17. I've never rejected you... ever.

18. So... tell me about yourself.

19. Don't even try like you were doing me some kind of favor by being a complete asshole.

20. I did it for you.

21. You know that feeling when you realise the person you love is never going to love you back? Yeah. I'm going through that right now.

22. Listen, if it was up to me, you never would have seen me again, so don't get attached.

23. You didn't care? Not even a little bit?

24. I remember distinctly being a part of your sex life once.

25. I thought you were happy.

26. Why won't you admit it?!

27. We'll see about that.

28. Why do you have to be so dramatic over literally everything I say?

29. Gotta go safe my dumbass boyfriend. I'll call you later.

30. Hey, would you be interested in dinner sometime? Maybe?

31. Are you kidding right now?

32. The power is out... you wanna cuddle?

33. I'm serious!

34. If being a complete dick to me all the time also qualifies as him being into me, then sure.

35. Uh... you can... if that's something you would want to do.

36. You treat her like she's your girlfriend.

37. Well somebody has to do it.

38. I don't want anyones pity.

39. Trust me, sweetheart. You won't get it from her.

40. April fools was 5 days ago.

41. I have no idea what you're talking about.

42. I'm trying to have a serious conversation with you!

43. Well... and I'm trying to subtly avoid you.

44. You're hot when you're mad.

45. Don't put this on me!

46. I'm sorry, I didn't know.

47. Well, how do you say 'kiss me'?

48. I'll never be good enough.

49. I know that I'm letting you down.

50. It was the look if disappointment in your/her/his eyes.

51. I won't be the reason you fail.

52. Tell me something I don't know.

53. Whoa, don't stop.

54. Well, I'm oddly aroused.

55. Well, that's a massive 'fuck you'.

56. Falling in love with you wasn't part of my plans.

57. I don't plan to stop.

58. I might be in love with you.

59. That's great to hear, since I am in love with you.

60. Be mine, please.

61. I'll always be yours.

62. No! It's your turn!

63. Be careful, he's so sweet you might get diabetes.

64. I can't sleep without you.

65. It's cold without you here.

66. How am I supposed to spoil you when you don't accept my gifts?!

67. While I do enjoy the silent treatment, I wasn't aware I had done anything to you.

68. What? You've never thought about us?

69. I'm pretty sure they hate me.

70. Wait a minute... are you jealous?

71. I really want to kiss you right now.

72. You enormously stubborn pain in the ass.

73. I turned out liking you a whole lot more than I originally planned.

74. Why should we date?

75. Because we're attracted to each other.

76. Don't worry, I'm used to it.

77. Where have you been all my life?

78. I deserve more than this.

79. This is gonna sound cheesy, but...

80. Stop being so cute.

81. Tell me again.

82. You know we're meant to be.

83. The thought of losing you scares me.

84. I can't stand seeing you smiling at him like that.

85. You're staring again.

86. I'm going to marry you one day.

87. I feel like I can't breathe when I'm being around you.

88. It was a joke, baby. I swear.

89. Are you seriously giving me the silent treatment?

90. Don't look under the bed!

91. Not to break your illusions or anything but the dog loves me more.

92. You look really good in my sweater.

93. Well, that's definitely your fault for being adorable like this.

94. I'm not going to lose against you.

95. When was it that you realised you didn't love me anymore?

96. Why would you put so much hope in me? Things have clearly never worked out for me.

97. This may be harder than I originally thought it would be.

98. That's not a word.

99. I'm going to kill you later.

100. For once, I think that reason is bullshit, give me a better one.

101. Don't do that again, that was terrifying.

102. I will take you on a date, I can promise you that

103. I never knew it could be so easy to hate someone until I met you.

104. This isn't a conversation we should be having.

105. My parents hate you, what are you talking about?

106. Why are you always so mean to me?

107. As you wish, princess.

108. Are you copying me right now?

109. Aren't you supposed to be dead?

110. I killed someone.

111. We're in big trouble.

112. I need you.

113. Don't test me.

114. It's urgent!

115. I'm not a lot of peoples favorite person.

116. Were you worried about me?

117. What's my reward?

118. Stop calling me that!

119. You never understood.

120. This isn't over.

Here goes the first round of prompts to choose from. Feel free to combine two or three if you want to, or send me your own requests and I'll do my best at writing them down.

#kpop #writing #writing prompts #texts #drabbles #requests #requests are open #bts #bts conversations #sf9 #got7 #monsta x #ateez #khiphop

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seven-oomen · 4 years ago

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Oh, I have many feelings, of many varieties, about Infinity War/Endgame. And for added fun, I saw both films with a group that included a hardcore Steggy shipper who kept going on and on and on about how angry she would be if all the little hints they’d been dropping about them seeing each other again and/or getting to be together again led to nothing, particularly with time travel on the table, and how dare Marvel do that if they didn’t plan to follow through. And I just kept thinking “the sheer audacity… you’ve had multiple openly romantic moments including a kiss, and something approaching closure already. do you know how happy I am when some of my rarer ships just get to be in the same scene together at all? not even interacting, just in the same scene? and don’t even talk to me about ship-baiting, you haven’t even the faintest idea" There was a lot of tongue biting not to be THAT BITCH about it that happened, especially after what Endgame did.

Also, all I’ve really gotten from that whole wolf discourse thing is a reminder how sad I am that no one has brought a Tibetan Mastiff into our store. (Isn’t there some kind of Russian Bear Dog that’s also supposed to be freaking ginormous?) The two biggest I can think of that I’ve seen at work are that Akita who’s around 180-190lbs, and probably around 70-75cm at the shoulder (based off about where I remember him hitting along my leg the time his owner asked me to hold his lead while he ran back to his car for something. I was very glad he’s probably also the most chill dog I’ve ever met), and this Great Dane I haven’t seen come in in a while the top of whose head probably cleared 5ft when he was standing on all fours. Tbf, he was a Harlequin Dane, and I think they tend to be the biggest (I think his owner had like, 3 of them, too.) It does make it funny when people will see someone’s 70lb Lab and be like "wow that dog is huge”, and in my head I’m just like “oh you have no idea…" We did once have both a Leonberger puppy and a French Mastiff puppy come in, both of them at least 40lb and both only about 4 months old, but they never did come back by, so I don’t know how big they finally got. I do remember that the French Mastiff was getting carried around like a baby. Like paws over the shoulders, cradled in their arms, head resting against the side of theirs carried. It was made you both want to coo at the adorableness while also warning the person "oh, you’re gonna regret that in a few months…”

And yeah, one of the things I loved best about some of Stiles and Jackson’s scenes were when Stiles would put up with exactly zero of Jax’s bullshit. Because he sometimes needs reminding that there is a fine line between confidence and arrogance. (Sometimes he’d remind me a little too much of a bully I had to deal with in elementary school, it was cathartic. It was kinda “I like you, but you’re workin’ my last good nerve.”) Although I feel like in this version Malia or Allison would actually be much better at it, because he wouldn’t expect it from either of them (though frankly he grew up with Allie and should really know better.) I feel like eventually he and Stiles will develop that whole “only I’m allowed to give him shit, if you try it I’ll fuck you up” thing, but it’ll take a while. And I’m happy with whatever questions you decide fit with the flow of the story. If most have to wait, or even not ever get totally answered, that’s more than okay.

Well, I’m glad I didn’t interfere with your productivity this time. XD I’d actually occasionally had the thought, but then just decide that there was no way I was gonna actually go there. Then I had to listen to 20 minutes of her telling me about how she’d tried to pack things as discreetly as possible and now couldn’t figure out which box it was and how she hoped it wasn’t one that one of her kids would end up opening at some point, and I was just like, “oh why the hell not, I’m thinking about it again now, anyway." Speaking of such things, can you imagine if any of the current twins made that unfortunate discovery at any point? Like, which ones would it be? Would they tell/show their sibling? Would their respective dads know they did, or would they manage to keep it a secret? Also, ngl, when you mentioned magic wand massagers my brain immediately dove back to Harry Potter for a minute and I laughed so hard I almost cried. Ha, there’s an idea: magically enhanced sex toys. (Noah hasn’t let Stiles see that particular spellbook yet.) And I can’t remember the exact wording but there’s a polyship post I see pop up on tumblr occasionally and one of the last things is something like "Person A and B are home alone and just start casually making out, then things get a bit more hot and heavy, but they know Person C will be home from work soon, so they try to hold out. Person C finally gets home, sees the look on their faces and just sighs in (faux) disappointment and starts taking off their clothes”, and I really feel like that could not be more accurate to those three (any of whom could be A, B, or C at any given time).

In an attempt to salvage something more wholesome from my random musings, I’d like to introduce the idea of Christmas traditions and fluff. (Yes, I know it’s June, but I’ve been hearing radio ads about some Christmas in July thing the Hallmark Channel’s doing next month for days, and have hit some of the Santa episodes in the Futurama rewatch I’ve been doing. So.) Just imagine. Craft Dad Peter making ornaments with his kids. Them pulling out the ones the older kids made in school to make new ones with their younger siblings. Glitter-covered pine cones, construction paper picture frames, crudely painted faux stained glass shapes, popsicle stick snowflakes, craft foam and pom pom snowmen. (They’re gonna end up needing multiple trees.) Making strands of popcorn garland and yelling at Stiles and Jackson because they won’t stop eating the popcorn instead of threading it. Fake mistletoe bunches suddenly festooning every doorway even though no one will admit to hanging it (it was totally Noah.) All the dads breaking out their special seasonal cookie/cake/pie/etc recipes. Chris coordinating with Malia to get all the pictures for their family Christmas card every year because he has the most flexible hours, and always getting an oversize print of the final version to put on the mantle for the season. Allison (and eventually Lydia) transforming the inside of the house into an elegant, homey, wonderland (Ooh, maybe she/they find a box or two of decorations in the Hale vault and surprise Peter and Derek by adding them in one year.) Everybody attempting to pitch in on decorating the outside of the house only for it to descend into a prolonged snowball fight (shhh, I know Cali probably doesn’t see that much snow, just go with it.) Then when they all finally troop in, cold and soaking, Derek makes them the most frankly AMAZING hot chocolate using the recipe he learned from his dad. MATCHING SWEATERS. Ugly sweaters. Matching ugly sweaters. Sing-a-longs and caroling. Trying to implement a Secret Santa system (because jeez that’s a lot of gifts to get), but failing at it every time because “I just couldn’t help myself, I kept finding things that were perfect." Peter buying his husbands the fancy expensive shit they won’t normally let him get away with. Him going way overboard with the kids’ gifts the first few years to make up for lost time. And speaking of Peter pulling either or both Omegas into his lap, you know he can’t resist doing it just to make a "Have you been a good boy this year?/Why don’t you sit on my lap and tell me what you want?” joke at LEAST once a season. At least. Can they even fit everyone’s stockings on the mantle, or do they have to do some creative placement? Do Stiles and Jackson ever stop getting each other little coal-themed gag gifts? Do they get real trees from the Preserve or do they opt for fake trees because no one can remember to water them? (Or would Chris volunteer to do it?) Curling up on the couch under the assorted memory quilts and fluffy blankets to watch Christmas movies and holiday specials, or just watch the lights dancing on the tree (multi-colored on the one in the living room/den, because that’s more cozy, no I’m not taking arguments) and enjoy finally being able to be together (peacefully). Just. All the warm domestic holiday goodness. Uh, presuming of course they celebrate Christmas. If not, please adapt the above to the nearest appropriate, equivalent holiday. I just happened to be feeling inspired, and went the “write what you know” route.

General mood when seeing one of these <3

#ben says stuff #once upon a time comments #my convos with anon #my sleeping pills are kicking in #I'm barely awake #but these deserve to see the light #submission

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deadcactuswalking · 5 years ago

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REVIEWING THE CHARTS 2020: 17/01

I don’t really have an intro for this one so: REVIEWING THE CHARTS 2020. Let’s get into it.

Top 10

At number-one, for the third week in a row, is “Own It” by Stormzy featuring Burna Boy and Ed Sheeran, and honestly I don’t really see a foreseeable threat to this song’s throne, but much like all songs in January, it’s a pretty weak stance and could easily fall to an unexpected climber.

Lewis Capaldi’s “Before You Go” is once again stalling at the runner-up spot.

At number-three, we have a surprise debut from an artist I didn’t think would ever peak this high in the UK, Future, who has partnered with Drake for “Life is Good”, a collaboration that is clenching the top spots on a bunch of charts, I’d imagine, mostly because of Drake. God knows how many top 10 or top 40 singles he has at this point, I’m not going to even bother counting them. Future, on the other hand, has had his highest ever charting song on the UK Singles Chart this week, and his third UK Top 40 single (His first hit in the top 10 ever). Congratulations, I suppose, but we’ll talk about the song a bit later.

Due to the sudden debut, most of the top 10 is falling this week. First of all, “Don’t Start Now” by Dua Lipa is down a spot to number-four.

“The Box” by Roddy Ricch seems to immediately abolish that trend as it has rocketed up 11 spaces in the chart to number-five, perhaps highlighting a possible #1 candidate in the coming weeks. It’s Roddy’s first top 10 hit in the UK.

“ROXANNE” by Arizona Zervas is down two spaces to number-six.

Lewis Capaldi’s “Someone You Loved” is stable at number-seven for some God forsaken reason.

The Weeknd’s “Blinding Lights” is up two spots to number-eight and with the video release, I could see this peaking even higher.

Justin Bieber’s “Yummy” falls hard off of the debut, being nearly pushed out of the top 10, losing four spaces to number-nine.

Finally, “Dance Monkey” by Tones and I is down four spots to #10. Sure.

Climbers

We have a rare week where there are no notable climbers at all outside of the top 10, which is emblematic of a certain period on the chart.

Fallers

In January, popular music repeats itself and the chart regurgitates the biggest hits of the year for a brief month where nothing can seemingly actually make a spin for the top spot or become a smash hit, and everything somehow collapses, and every debut goes nowhere, only to be gone by March. It should be the month where the smash hit songs appear on the charts for the first time, and it usually is, but it definitely never seems like that, as the chart is so dry and after the influx of 2019’s greatest hits, we seem to have reached a new equilibrium, so we can start waving goodbye to our fallers and drop-outs; I doubt we’ll see many of them again. “Ride It” by Regard featuring Jay Sean is down six spots to #16, “South of the Border” by Ed Sheeran featuring Camila Cabello and Cardi B is down seven spaces to #24, as is “Gangsta” by Darkoo and One Acen at #26, “HIGHEST IN THE ROOM” by Travis Scott and remixed by ROSALIA and Lil Baby is down five to #30, “Senorita” by Shawn Mendes and Camila Cabello is down five to #35, and finally, “Lights Up” by Harry Styles is down eight positions to #40.

Dropouts & Returning Entries

There aren’t any returning entries, after all, we seldom have too many re-entries to the chart, but there is a handful of dropouts from the chart. First of all, we have the three-songs-per-artist rule coming into effect for the first notable time in a while, as since there’s a new Stormzy song, “Audacity” featuring Headie One is out from #26 and I’m going to predict it’s definitely back next week. Also out is the promising new arrival “Savage” by MIST out off of the debut at #35, non-starter, “Into the Unknown” by Idina Menzel and AURORA from the Frozen II soundtrack, out from #37, and “Heartless” by the Weeknd, out from #38.

Before we get into the new arrivals, here are some songs in the top 75 that have a trajectory seemingly aiming for the top 40, that I’d like to see get there. Not all of these songs are good but they are all healthy predictions. We have “Good News” by the late Mac Miller at #49, “Power Over Me” by Dermot Kennedy at #60, “Say So” by Doja Cat at #65, “SUGAR” by BROCKHAMPTON at #66, “Eleven” by Khalid at #70, and “Roses” by Saint Jhn at #72. I’d bet money on most of these eventually making the top 40. Anyway, here’s the main attraction:

NEW ARRIVALS

#37 – “You should be sad” – Halsey

Produced by Greg Kurstin

It should be no surprise that I’m not the biggest fan of Halsey. Part of her alternative-pop-girl image was really pretentious and turned me off initially but once she fully embraced she was a pop singer, whilst I respect her more, I still found her lacking, arguably more so, as a singer and songwriter. This song, however, is pretty unique, and it comes from her album Manic, which I’ve yet to listen to. It’s a country song, funnily enough right next to the only other country song that made a big splash in the UK last year, “Old Town Road” by Lil Nas X featuring Billy Ray Cyrus, which is at #36. It’s not a common occurrence for country songs to appear on the UK Singles Chart, for obvious reasons, but I’ll take a Shania Twain-influenced country pop song dependent on more neo-traditional 90s pedal-steel—Listen, I know little to nothing about country, and I’m throwing all these random key terms around... I’m not necessarily the best person to speak on this, and I know that, but I guess I’ll see if I myself prefer Halsey’s ninth UK top 40 hit. For what it’s worth, the guitar line here is really sweet, but Halsey’s voice with an additional country twang and drowned in reverb, just sounds kind of gross and ugly? I guess that’s the best way to say it, and even though sometimes it works, she seems way too downbeat and subtle for a vengeful kiss-off... until the entire flow of the verse obstructs for the chorus, which is introduced by a really dodgy, awkward wave of distorted strings that just sound awful. Whatever tone, genre, style or mood this song attempts to build up is immediately broken by that, and whilst some of these lyrics are really specific and genuinely pretty good, I’m tuned out until that killer electric guitar riff comes in and steals the show... before it just goes again. It’s not like there’s build-up to the riff either, or that it’s a break from the momentum because everything just keeps happening in the background. It’s not a drop because there’s no climax or catharsis to it, it’s just a cool riff that’s... there. Yeah, this is wasted potential, and that’s not even including the questionable at best mixing and whatever the hell that bridge is. This song might actually be broken, like what happened in the mediating process, guys? Who leant on seven wrong buttons at the same time? God, what a hot mess of a song.

#28 – “Rare” – Selena Gomez

Produced by Sir Nolan and Simon Says

Selena Gomez has a new album. It’s where “Lose You to Love Me” comes from. It’s probably pretty mediocre. I do not care for Selena Gomez. She makes robot pop music. It is about as standard and droning as these sentences. This is her 16th solo UK top 40 hit, or without “the Scene” if you prefer—that clause alone gives me more character than a Selena Gomez album. Sometimes with good songwriters, she can get something decent out of her limited range and bland production, and with Madison Love as a songwriter and Charli XCX involved as the person originally handed the song, I actually have somewhat high expectations for this, and you know what? It’s promising. The lo-fi bass groove and steady funk/soul groove in the intro is pretty sweet, but then the whole 2019 pop schtick comes in, and some of the soul is lost, but it has a pretty quirky, fun string instrumental with nice, bubbly synths and seemingly randomly-placed hi-hats. Here, Gomez actually works pretty well as she stays calm until the chorus, and she doesn’t sound too bad there, even if she’s desperately filling up the meter with nonsense, because it does sound like a child’s nursery rhyme. Hence, she fits in perfectly with the petty lyrics and cute instrumental. The guitar in the post-chorus/bridge sounds really great too. Perhaps it is over-long though, as three minutes and 40 seconds does make the chorus wear off, although it really could not have been as good as a song without that bridge, as the slow sense of dread is keeping up in the pre-chorus, with that intense bass groove and what seem to be airplane crash sound effects, only to propel itself back into a really cute chorus, with kind of an 80s sound I’m just noticing. Yeah, this is pretty good, and it has Charli XCX kind of written all over it. I’d like to hear a remix if that’s fine with you, Selena. You’ve impressed me with this one.

#21 – “STILL DISAPPOINTED” – Stormzy

Produced by Mikey J

This is Stormzy’s 22nd UK Top 40 hit and Christ, there’s a lot to unpack with this one. Okay, so this is the 2019-2020 Grime War, or at least that’s what r/grime is calling it. There have been 32 rappers or MCs involved in the war so far, including Ed Sheeran, but most are just mentioned in diss tracks, or “dubs” as the grime scene calls them, without responding. Basically, JAY1, who has been on this show before, didn’t pay Dot Rotten for producing the song “Million Bucks”, which was credited to Steel Banglez (It’s actually a great beat, by the way, I’d want credit too), so Dot Rotten released three dubs, one of which was copyright-claimed by JAY1, thus in response Dot released another song called “Copyright Claim This, P***y”. Classy. Then two of the most desperate-for-attention people in the grime scene find themselves dissing each other: Dot Rotten and Wiley. Within four days, Dot Rotten releases eight dubs. There’s this whole mess with Wiley, Dot and Jaykae, but then finally, a fan asks if he will be dissing Jaykae. Wiley says, “Never, he’s with Ed and Stormzy now”. Hence, Wiley and Stormzy go back and forth for a while on Twitter, and the beef escalates, with Wiley posting a Stormzy dub called “Eeydiat Skengman”, which is just okay, but has a pretty killer beat. Stormzy responds with “DISAPPOINTED”, but the reception is lukewarm. Sure, the Brexit joke was funny, but he had mostly weak bars and he also called himself the King of Grime over a drill beat. In fact, might as well cover all the Wiley tracks: they all sound the same. The beef has mostly stopped for now, but it’s still going on in the lower echelon. I would argue it probably stopped because of Stormzy’s final dub, “STILL DISAPPOINTED”, which is hilarious, and actually on a grime beat, in fact it’s on an iconic beat from the first Lord of the Mics in 2004, “Mic Check 1-2” by Kano. It starts out pretty okay, Stormzy just saying that he’s a real G and all... but then:

So why you love to talk about mums so much?

The entire diss track is about Wiley’s mother, and that when Wiley’s house was threatened by bricks and guns during gang violence, he (supposedly) sent her to Cyprus instead of trying to rescue her and improving her quality of life. He then says that his mother is pregnant because Wiley is fraud (Huh?), that Stormzy will have sex with his mother, and that she is a whore, but it’s not her fault that she had to move to Cyprus, but he will still have sex with his mother and become the man of the house. He takes only a few bars to relax and stop going on this tangent detailing Wiley’s mother’s move to Cyprus, but then comes back to the topic again, and whilst some of the bars make seemingly no sense at least to me, the dub is cruel and so oddly specific that I’d be incredibly offended. I’d probably want to fight Stormzy after this, honestly, and the song isn’t even that great. It’s a diss track, so I can’t really critique it as a song and not a personal attack, but Stormzy’s flow and charisma is definitely there and this was a funny listen.

Also, this line had me cackling:

I never wanna hear you say, "Free the mandem" (Yeah) / Let's go Cyprus and go free your mumzy

#3 – “Life is Good” – Future and Drake

Produced by OZ and D. Hill

It is so weird to see Future here. Drake not so much obviously, but this song peaked at #2 in the US, nearly giving Future his first #1, all thanks to Drake. Without Drake, the song would still be entirely coherent but it wouldn’t chart at all. That’s because this is not a collaboration in any sense of the word. It wouldn’t even fit under the guise of their little collaborative effort, What a Time to be Alive. It’s a Drake song, and then a Future song. Hold on, let me change this.

#3 – “Life is Good” – Drake, then Future

Produced by OZ and D. Hill

I don’t mind guest artists having solo sections of songs, hell, Drake had one on Travis Scott’s “SICKO MODE” a year back, but there’s a beat switch in the middle that completely separates both performances. Drake has a chorus, as does Future. Drake has a verse, Future has two—under two completely separate beats. At least on “SICKO MODE”, Travis joined in with Drake and Tay Keith for a verse and a couple ad-libs under the same beat. Sigh, I guess it doesn’t matter in the end, even though Future cheated a chart placement; it’s not as obviously fraudulent as Ellie Goulding’s efforts, or John Legend’s. I’m surprised that a plain and simple trap-rap song charted this high in the first place, even if it was just Drake (And for most people who skip after the first two minutes, it might as well be). I don’t know why I’m complaining honestly, because the song is honestly pretty good. I would have usually dismissed this as dark trap-rap nonsense with no redeemable qualities, but this is one of those songs with such a lack of energy it’s almost eerie, and those creepy synths in Drake’s part are fantastic in making it sound like that. Repeating inflections from “Mob Ties” aside, Drake’s performance is pretty good, with a couple funny lines, although I’m not sure how intentionally funny they were.

Haven’t done my taxes, I’m too turnt up

[Gnarly dude]s caught me slippin’ once, okay, so what?

I think Pusha T’s diss track about you hiding a child was a bit more than being caught slipping once, Aubrey. Anyway, after a voice memo interlude from Future, we have a pretty great beat, with an admittedly stiff but still impressive trap groove, and while Future is less on beat than Drake and arguably less interesting, he rides the beat well enough, and the synths are really quiet, for whatever reason. Regardless, this is a pretty cool song with great flows from both rappers and an eerie, cool beat from OZ.

I’m trying to avoid nonsense, get Osama spray in this b****, woo!

HUH

Conclusion

This was actually a pretty great week, with the obvious Worst of the Week going to Halsey’s “You should be sad”, and a surprising Best of the Week for “Rare” by Selena Gomez. In fact, I’m going to give a tied Honourable Mention instead of any Dishonourable Mentions, so it’s going to Stormzy’s “STILL DISAPPOINTED” and Drake’s, then Future’s, “Life is Good”. Follow me on Twitter @cactusinthebank, I’ll see you next week.

REVIEWING THE CHARTS 2020

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storytimemof0z-blog · 7 years ago

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Dinner

It’s gonna be a very eventful evening...

Dinner time folks

The white dress I got from Forever 21 matched perfectly with Trayce’s outfit. He was wearing a navy blue collared polo with khakis and nike socks with his new white shoes. As we were ready to leave the room I started to think that he would look 10 times better with a gold chain, I guess he must’ve read my mind because a few seconds later he went into his bag and pulled out a gold chain.

“Can you help me put this on.” He asked.

I walked over to him and told him to go in front of the mirror. I grabbed the chain and put it around his neck then linked it together. I stood next to him and looked in the mirror, he pulled out his phone and said “OMG, we look adorbs! Picture time,” in a white girl voice.

He put his arm around me and took the picture.

“Trayce, you’re so weird” I told him.

He looked down at me. “Oh I’m the weird one? Nuh uh boo boo.” He said it in a girl voice.

We both started laughing until his phone alarm went off to tell us that we have to go to the restaurant.

As we were walking down I started getting butterflies in my stomach. Whenever I had butterflies it usually something bad is going to happen, but I ignored it. Trayce grabbed my hand as we walked closer to the restaurant. I noticed a lot of young couples were also trying to hurry to the place before it got packed.

It was around 4:50 and the line started to get longer and longer, I couldn’t even count how much people there were in line. The hosts opened the doors and started to ask for our names and what room we were. Five minutes went by and we were up next. A young host who looked like she was in her early 20s asked Trayce for our reservation name and room number in a witchy way. I looked her up and down, did she really just give us attitude I said to myself. Trayce looked at me and squeezed my hand. He whispered in my ear “be nice.” I couldn’t believe this girl thinks she has the audacity to talk to us in that way.

The host began typing in our names into the computer and started to over dramatically chew her gum. “Umm,” she rolled her eyes, “table 69 next to the railing as requested.” she says. I look at her and say thank you. She rolls her eyes and says “um hm.” Trayce started to walk away knowing I was about to pop this girls head.

“What a frickin witch,” I say to Trayce.

“It’s okay babe, let it go. We’re here to have a good time remember.”

I couldn’t stand how nice and easy going Trayce was. I hated it sometimes. I wish he lived on the westside, he would understand where I get my temper from.

We got to our seats, Trayce went over to pull out my seat. I sat down and he hurried to sit down across of me.

“This is so beautiful, I can’t believe you actually got a seat right next to the railing.” I tell him.

“Of course, I will do anything to make my girl happy.”

My heart started to beat fast. HE WAS SO CUTE I COULDN’T STAND IT.

“Aww,” I said. “Thank you for everything Trayce”

“Don’t thank me yet, the cruise isn’t over.” He said then winked.

Someone started talking on the mic and said “tables 1-70 may start to make your way to the buffet line.” I stood up and pulled down my dress. Trayce got up and offered his hand. I grabbed his hand and we started to walk to the line.

While we were waiting in line a small family of 4 stood behind us. I turned around to see a little boy and girl fighting with each other on who had the better back flip today, the 2 kids looked like twins. I smiled at their parents.

“Don’t have kids until you’re over 29, trust me,” the mother told us.

We laughed at her comment.

“We’re only 16 and 17, I don’t think we’ll be having kids anytime soon.” I said.

“Good, try to stay young and go out as much as you can because once you have kids the only thing you’ll be doing is staying home.” the mother said.

“Are they twins?” Trayce asked.

“Yes they are, they’re both 9 years old” the father says and points to the little girl. “That’s Jhene,” then he points to the little boy. “That’s Jheden.”

“Aww, how cute.” I say and smile.

“You guys are still very young, what school do you guys go to?” the mother asks.

“Kamehameha,” Trayce says.

“Nice, what grade?” the she asks again.

“We’re both juniors.” I say.

“Wow, and your parents both let you come to this cruise alone. Must be having a good time,” the father says then winks.

Trayce and I both laugh. “We’re having an amazing time,” Trayce says.

“My man,” the father says and shakes Trayce’s hand. The 4 of us start laughing.

“Hey, we never got a name.” I say.

“I’m Joshua and my wife is Hasley.”

After 10 minutes of standing in line we finally got to the front.

“Well, I guess we’ll see each other around. Nice meeting you guys,” I say as I grab 2 plates for me and Trayce.

“It was nice meeting you too, we’ll see you around as well. Have a nice night you two.” the mother says to us.

After I finished getting my food I wait for Trayce on the side. A strange man walks behind me and bumps me. I turn around and look at him, “I’m truly sorry,” the man says then walks away.

“What was that about?” Trayce asks.

“Oh it was nothing, he just bumped into me.” I tell him.

We start walking back to the table. We put our food down then go back to the drinking station to get drinks. Trayce and I both get a raspberry ice tea, our fave. We go back to the table and start eating. As the live entertainment starts to introduce themselves the mic makes a loud screeching noise that pierces our ears. I put my fork down and cover my ears, everyone in the room gasps.

“Sorry everyone.” the person pauses then continues. “We are the Dynamic Trio, we come from Aina Haina. We sing covers from popular artists. So yah… enjoy and please follow us on our instagram account at dynamic dot trio. Thank you.”

I pick up my fork and start eating again. I look at the sunset then look back at Trayce, he’s taking a off guard picture of me for his snapchat.

“Omg really” I say. “I’m literally stuffing my face with food and you’re taking a picture of me.”

“Yes, that’s exactly what I’m doing. You look amazing right now, the sun is hitting you perfectly, you’re glowing right now. I love it.” he says.

“Aww thanks Trayce.” I look over his shoulder and see the same strange man across the room taking a picture of us.

“Trayce, you aren’t the only one taking a picture of me,” I say casually, continuing to eat. “2 o’clock” I tell him.

He turns around and looks at the man straight in his face. The man immediately puts the camera down and picks up the special menu to cover his face.

“Isn’t that the man that bumped into you earlier?” Trayce asks.

“Yah actually, that is.”

“I can’t blame him for taking pictures of you, you lookin fine women.” Trayce says then winks.

The Dynamic Trio starts singing and they sound horrible. I honestly would go up there and do a solo. I looked around the room and seen everyone looking at them in disbelief and disgust. Trayce and I both finished our food, I waived down a waiter and asked for our check.

The waiter came back. I grabbed the check and it was almost $100 for the both of us. I couldn’t believe it, sure we had nice seats but the food and live entertainment wasn’t all that great. I paid my half of the bill and gave it back to the waiter. I left $2 on the table as a tip. Trayce grabbed my hand and we started to walk around the deck.

“The view is really nice,” I say as I sit down near the deck railing.

“It definitely is, especially my view,” Trayce says looking at me.

I grab my phone and check the time, it’s almost 8:45. In the corner of my eye I could see the same man from the restaurant taking pictures of me again. I stood up then grabbed Trayce’s face and started kissing him. I pulled back and the man started to walk away.

“Well where was that this whole time?” Trayce says.

“I had it all along, I just wasn’t sure if you felt the same.”

“Um I’ve been feeling this way since the day I first met you.” he says mockingly.

He kisses me again putting his hands on my back while mine are around his neck.

“Hey,” he says and pulls away, “how about we continue this back in the room.”

Trayce grabs my hand and starts walking back to the room. As we were 5 doors away from our room I could feel someone following us. I looked back and seen the man taking pictures of me once again. I pulled Trayces hand back and started to kiss him again.

I pull away to look back for the man. “Can’t wait?” Trayce asks then smirks. I laugh then we continue walking to the room. I reach into my bag to grab the room key but Trayce pins me against the door and starts to make out with me. He grabs the key from my hand and sticks it into the slot trying not to break the kiss. He opens the door then picks me up. At this point we were all up in each others faces that we couldn’t see what was around us. I kick the door close then fly my bag to the table in the corner of the room. Trayce put the room key in his pocket. We still didn’t break the kiss.

Everything was going by so fast. I think Trayce and I are dating now, I wasn’t sure but as of right now all I knew is that we were gonna get it on.

“WOAH WOAH WOAH,” Kawika and Danny yell.

Trayce put me down and I look at them dead in the eyes.

“Sorry we thought you guys weren’t gonna be back until a couple more hours. I heard there was a good band playing tonight.” Kawika says.

“Kawika and Danny, I am gonna give you 10 seconds to get the hell out of our room.” I said calmly.

“Okay let me grab my drink from your fridge.” Danny says.

“GET THE HELL OUT” I scream.

Kawika and Danny both ran out in less than 5 seconds.

I look at Trayce, “now where were we?”

#storytimemof0z

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decadebeauty4-blog · 5 years ago

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John Waters revealed in Indecent Exposure at Baltimore Museum of Art

Baltimore-based photographer and writer, Chuck Patch, attends the media preview of the John Waters exhibit and catches the wit, wisdom and lively gestures of the local phenom and beloved Baltimorean, now getting his art world treatment as an artist, yes, didn't know that? Us either. And, of course, groundbreaking movie maker of Pink Flamingoes, Hairspray and other great, funny and raunchy movies.

John Waters at the Media Preview of Indecent Exposure, Baltimore Museum of Art. Photo by Chuck Patch, with permission

A book, an exhibition and love for a well-known Baltimorean

It wouldn’t be going overboard to describe John Waters as one of Baltimore’s most cherished cultural icons, the personification of the city’s quirky, working-class, naughty, catholic (and naughty Catholic) demi-monde. Over the years, as the culture has caught up with the boundary-crossing audacity of his 1960’s and 70’s films, and those films themselves have crossed into the mainstream with Broadway musicals, and spin-off movies made by directors paid far more than Waters ever made in his career, the city has tightened its embrace. A major festival set in the neighborhood that was the backdrop for Hairspray, the 1988 film that launched the career of Ricki Lake, draws thousands each year to partake in a celebration of blue and pink beehive hairdos, cat-eye glasses and leopard prints.

For years an annual one-man show put on by Waters around Christmas routinely sold out Baltimore’s cavernous Lyric Theater, and recent shows at smaller venues in the city are sold out months in advance. (Typical line: “If you go home with somebody after a party and they don’t have any books in their apartment, don’t fuck ‘em.”) He’s such a common figure on the streets and in the watering holes of Baltimore that I suspect that I may be the only person in the city not to have encountered him simply walking down the sidewalk.

So, it’s only fitting that Waters, who over the course of the past 25 years has produced a wealth of artworks above, beyond, and behind his cinematic products, has been given a substantial solo exhibition by the Baltimore Museum of Art. Indecent Exposure, curated by the BMA’s Contemporary Curator, Kristen Hileman, presents over 150 of Waters’ works, in media ranging from still photography to sculpture. Accompanying the exhibit is a handsome catalog, appropriately covered in slightly-stained brown wrapping paper with a peep-show hole providing a view of a Waters self-portrait altered to show what he might look with extreme cosmetic surgery. Hileman provides a lucid essay placing Waters’ work in context with the appropriation art of Cindy Sherman and Richard Prince (among others), and other essays in the catalog by Waters’ colleagues and contemporaries provide more intimate insights into his art and mindset.

The best ‘splainer of his works is…him

John Waters discussing one of his artworks, with curator Kristen Hileman at the Baltimore Museum of Art, Media Preview, Indecent Exposure. Photo by Chuck Patch, with permission

John Waters, Media Preview, Indecent Exposure, Baltimore Museum of Art. Photo by Chuck Patch, with permission

John Waters, Media Preview, Indecent Exposure, Baltimore Museum of Art, Photo by Chuck Patch, with permission

But it is Waters himself who is best at “splainen” his work. No wall flower, Waters is typically ebullient and loquacious. As Hileman points out in her essay, unlike other appropriators, Waters doesn’t borrow the tropes of celebrity and apply them as a kind of generic code to the world at large. Instead he focuses-in on celebrities themselves, exploring the peculiar way in which their almost wholly manufactured aura gives us a personal relationship that has little to do with a truth that is frequently disappointing, and sometimes sordid. But the revelations are joyous, because Waters clearly loves the notion of celebrity, the celebrities themselves, and the whole apparatus of fame and popular culture. In a pre-show media walkthrough of the exhibition, he noted various aspects of the works that weren’t mentioned in the catalog, nor the labels.

Discussing Movie Star Jesus, a photo collage in the shape of a cross composed entirely of depictions of the crucifixion of Christ from various Hollywood movies, Waters pointed out that the crucifixion scene invariably occurs about three-quarters of the way through a film, at about exactly the same time point that climax (both in terms of plot and physical action) is reached in porn films. In another piece that uses photographs shot of a television screen showing a video Waters made with Divine in the mid 1960’s re-enacting the Zapruder film of John Kennedy’s assassination, Waters explained that as the video aged and was photographed, it came to resemble the original Zapruder film ever more closely, but that Divine didn’t particularly like it, since “Divine didn’t want to be Jackie, he wanted to be Elizabeth Taylor. I wanted to be Jackie.”(Zapruder, 1995.)

John Waters discusses Movie Star Jesus, Media Preview, Indecent Exposure, Baltimore Museum of Art. Photo by Chuck Patch, with permission

John Waters discusses “Video Room” Media Preview, Indecent Exposure, Baltimore Museum of Art. Photo by Chuck Patch, with permission

Playful, funny, dark with a touch of sweetness and optimism

A playfulness runs throughout the show, even in subjects dealing with deeply troubling issues. In Faux Video Room, from 2006, sounds of a crowd emanate from behind a black curtain that appears to be the entrance to a typical black-box video room found in many contemporary art exhibitions. But on pulling aside the curtain, one is confronted with a large sheet of plywood, painted black, on which a loudspeaker is mounted. The sounds turn out to be a recording of the Peoples Temple in Guyana, in which Jim Jones is administering the “Kool-Aide” (actually “Flavor Aid”) laced with cyanide to his disciples.

Plenty of works poke fun at the machinery of the art world, including museums. In Art Market Research,” he presents a set of forms supposedly filled out by art research focus groups, in which comments such as “It wasn’t signed on the front” are given in response to a question about what the viewer didn’t like about a Cindy Sherman photo. In the slapstick Hardy Har, a gauzy photograph of an Orchid hangs on a wall, with a taped line on the floor to warn viewers from getting too close to the work. Step over the line, and the flower squirts water in the face of the transgressor.

Perhaps the most touching piece in the show is one that Waters created as the antithesis to the vulgarity his work (the “dirty stuff,” as he might put it) paved the way for in popular culture. In a real video room, a group of elementary school kids are on screen performing a table-reading of a Bowdlerized version of Pink Flamingos, the film that most emphatically launched the careers of Waters and Divine. Perhaps, Waters noted, the most shocking aspect of the piece is its sweetness and optimism, which always lay at the center of the film.

Chuck Patch is a museum professional and teacher, aspiring amateur photographer and sometime writer. He lives in Baltimore, MD.

Playdate, 2006, A baby Michael Jackson crawls toward a baby Charles Manson. Media Preview, Indecent Exposure, Baltimore Museum of Art. Photo by Chuck Patch, with permission

John Waters with the piece “Hardy Har” Media Preview, Indecent Exposure, Baltimore Museum of Art. Photo by Chuck Patch, with permission

Kristen Hileman, Contemporary Curator, Baltimore Museum of Art, Media Preview, Indecent Exposure. Photo by Chuck Patch, with permission

“308 Days” a piece composed of a year’s worth of John Waters’ daily To-Do lists, written on 3×5 inch cards. Media Preview, Indecent Exposure, Baltimore Museum of Art. Photo by Chuck Patch, with permission

“Cut/Uncut” a work juxtaposing 1950’s flying saucer movies with 9/11. John Waters, Indecent Exposure, Media Preview, Baltimore Museum of Art. Photo by Chuck Patch, with permission

Johns Waters, Indecent Exposure, Baltimore Museum of Art, 10 Art Museum Drive, Baltimore, MD 21218-3898, through January 6, 2019 and Wexner Center for the Arts, 1871 North High Street Columbus, Ohio 43210, February 2 – April 28 2019

Source: https://www.theartblog.org/2018/11/john-waters-revealed-in-indecent-exposure-at-baltimore-museum-of-art/

#read more #see more #check it out #interesting #learn more

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trendingnewsb · 7 years ago

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Sean Penn Wrote The Worst Novel In Human History, I Read It

Sean Penn recently released Bob Honey Who Just Do Stuff. It is, ostensibly, a novel. Sarah Silverman compared Penn to Mark Twain and E.E. Cummings. A Kirkus reviewer equated him to Kurt Vonnegut and David Foster Wallace. Salman Rushdie declared it a book that Thomas Pynchon and Hunter S. Thompson would love, possibly because he longs for the good old days when people wanted him dead. It’s telling that all these figures of comparison are incapable of disagreeing because they’re either famously reclusive or dead. Having recently read Bob Honey, I am confident in declaring it the literary equivalent of renal failure.

Amazon

To help you prepare yourselves, here are just a few of Penn’s many atrocities against the English language (he really likes alliteration):

Evading the viscount vogue of Viagratic assaults on virtual vaginas.

Criminal crumbs and corresponding celebrity crusts, bound together by dough.

This goat-backed lioness began to hoot like a bruxism bedevilled banshee.

The (Barely Existent) Plot Is Complete Nonsense

Perhaps the only thing you need to know about Penn’s book is that the brief first chapter, about three elderly people getting murdered in their retirement home, is called “Seeking Homeostasis in Inherent Hypocrisy.” Penn writes like he’s looked up every single word in his thesaurus except “dictionary.” He uses unnecessary terms, then provides 70 footnotes to explain the definition of the unnecessary terms, because he assumes that his readers aren’t at his level of intelligence. In a way, he isn’t wrong.

Here’s a typical sentence, in this case describing a woman: Effervescence lived in her every cellular expression, and she had spizzerinctum to spare. Penn thinks that if less is more, then more must be incredible. He writes novels like they’re a high school essay he’s desperate to pad.

Read Next

Make Sure Your Private Data Stays That Way With A VPN

So, about those murdered old people. We’re introduced to Bob Honey, a successful but disaffected middle-aged white man who is brave enough to be suspicious of some aspects of modern American life. Bob worked in waste management, and while selling his services in Iraq during the American occupation, he became convinced to kill elderly Americans for the government because … well, there’s no actual explanation, because Penn has taken the creative approach of not giving his hero any personality or traits. Penn then boldly satirizes the Iraq War by pointing out that it was sometimes violent, and holy shit you guys, some people may have profited from that violence. It’s an interesting observation if these are the first words you’ve read since 2003.

Now, you might be thinking, “OK, that doesn’t sound very profound, but it’s still reasonable to critique the Iraq War, right?” To which I’d respond that Penn refers to the Pentagon as “the five-sided puzzle palace,” then provides a footnote that clarifies he means “the Pentagon.”

From there, we learn that the American government feels threatened by old people who don’t buy enough branded products. The only real plot point is that the NSA, a covert section of the EPA, and a bunch of conservative foundations are working together on these old people murders because the removal of the flatulence they contribute to the environment allows businesses to pollute more. Way to tackle America’s problems head on, Sean Penn.

After agreeing to help the government kill old people for no good reason, Bob’s wanderings of America and the world eventually cause him to reach the incredible realization that killing people is bad and that, holy shit, America might be bad too. So Bob tries and fails to kill a Trump stand-in while rescuing his 20-something girlfriend who has all the character development of a calculator with “BOOBS” written on it. And that’s it. Penn wrote a series of incoherent angry tweets about America, then stretched them out to novel length with shit like this:

Behind decorative gabion walls, an elderly neighbor sits centurion on his porch watching Bob with surreptitious soupcon. Bob sees this. Feels fucked by his own face.

Sean Penn Never Learned What Satire Is

The idea that the government is killing old people doesn’t have a point; it’s just there, because it’s something bad people would do and grr, the government is bad. The whole book is full of that kind of vapid pseudo-criticism. Sean Penn is a man who looked at the world and its many issues in all of their incredible complexity and reached conclusions like maybe the media … might be influencing what we think about! Have you considered that marketing might be … trying to manipulate you? What if politicians … sometimes lie? And technology … could it have … downsides? It’s baby’s first hot take, written at the tender age of 57. Here, for example, is what Penn has to say about millennials:

Adderall and advertisers’ chickens had come home to roost. Bob felt from feline millennials the transmissions of Instagrams blitzingly blazing from all directions … No one spoke to anyone, and when they did, it was more about those anthropomorphic arrows than it was the natural air of organically human traverse … An age group so lost to letters and steeped in transactional sex, it seemed of them that they distinguished little between an active orgasm and an acted one.

Wow, sick burn. Penn careens from “selfies are dumb” to two paragraphs on gun control to a brief aside on why hunting is bad to long stretches during which nothing happens and no point is made. It’s as if Penn thought that slam poetry was the result of getting one’s penis slammed in a car door.

He compares people who buy stuff (nothing in particular, just stuff) to sheep, and then, in case you somehow weren’t getting it, declares: “BAHHH-BAHHH-BILDERBERG.” What do you have to say about marketing, Sean? “Branding is being! Branding is being! The algorithm of modern binary existentialism.” He even talks about ice cream trucks like he can’t get through a single conversation without bragging about his IQ: “The music of an ice cream truck sells sweetness, but its wares are cold and fattening.” But it’s Trump and his voters where Penn is at his least elegant:

Between the id and the superego, the sheep had traded a love of their own children for the chance to cry, “Look at me! I’m a pisser on a tree!” Ouch goes the human heart. Out comes the orator’s brain-fart, this Jesus of Jonestown, this blind man to Newtown, spits bile aplenty, to bitch us all down.

So many words haven’t been used to say so little since Ayn Rand was working. The greatest insight Penn can muster up is calling Trump “Mein Drumpf” and “Mr. Landlord,” before declaring “Sir, I challenge you to duel. Tweet me, bitch. I dare you.” My cat has stepped on my keyboard and accidentally sent tweets that are more politically insightful. And it gets worse, because …

Sean Penn Thinks It’s Deep To Use Racial Slurs

Bob Honey isn’t some brilliant subversion of conservative Americans. It’s a rambling polemic for how Penn sees America, mixed with the satirical equivalent of eating a child because you think that Swift guy was onto something. So it’s not super great that the only Mexican characters are drug dealers who love tacos and tequila. Or that Penn uses the term “Jew-speak.” Or that the main gang of Iraq War profiteers and senior murderers are cannibalistic Papua New Guineans who wear grass skirts and use blow guns.

Nothing says profound criticism of modern America like “What if a bunch of stereotypical immigrants are the cause of our problems? And then that’s it, there’s no insightful twist?” The Guinean leader says things like “Caught me a case of kuru! I crackin’ a grizz, my bruva,” because Sean Penn is systematically working to convince us that literacy was a mistake.

There’s a thin line between satirizing racial issues and just being racist, and Penn took a giant dump on that line when he wrote the following in the middle of his closing anti-Trump manifesto. I apologize in advance to like eight different groups of people for exposing you to this:

“You want to kill me because I don’t really believe we’re the ‘best’ country in the world? … You want to kill me, you boogeymen and women, you worshippers of tits, ass, and beefcake, you snivelling, vomitus, kike-, nigger-, towelhead-, and wetback-hating, faggot-fearing colostomy bags of humanity?”

Hey Sean, it’s actually possible to critique Trump and racial issues without dropping slurs like you got a bulk deal on them at Costco. And somehow, that’s not even the worst part.

Shockingly, Sean Penn Might Have Some Issues With Women

Penn has a long history of alleged domestic abuse, and while I’m not saying that he has issues with women, he seems to be saying that himself. Bob’s ex-wife is described as a “chubby fuckin’ redhead whose ghost still whorishly haunts his bed.” In reference to a black woman Bob had a crush on, Penn writes: “He thought of her beauty and the lure of her shaved and shapely cinnamon sticks standing at the trailer’s screen door.” Oh, and here’s what he has to say about women with the audacity to destroy America by using makeup: “Had she traded the mythology of her modesty for cosmetic self-awareness? Getting older in America is tough on a woman; seeing what she’ll do to avoid it is tough on a man.”

Then there’s Bob’s girlfriend, Annie, whose traits include being great at taking dick from Bob and really liking Bob. She has no personality, no desires, no opinions. What we do know is that “She may have even been too young. But Bob never bothered himself with those distinctions.” And when Annie writes Bob a note, she signs it: “My love and vagina (on your team).”

Other female characters include a bad young mother, a volunteer who gets drunk on the job, a waitress who is described as an “undernourished nymphomaniac,” and a “lesbo-leaning lunatic” who almost shits herself. There’s also an “awful chimera” who does shit herself while falling overboard and getting eaten by “fifty frenzied sharks (adios, amiga),” in one of several instances of Penn using violence against women for comedy. I think I’ve discovered Penn’s fetish, and it’s women getting hurt and shitting themselves. If you aren’t already turned off, allow me to forever ruin sex for you with Penn at his most sensual:

What a magical vagina, Bob thought, after exploring it for hours.

“Good vagina. Maybe more Vietnam.” (Note: “Vietnam” is what Penn calls pubic hair.)

Tedious trickling of cold cunt soup.

Now here’s a fun excerpt from the, ugh, five-and-a-half-page poem that ends the novel:

Where did all the laughs go?

Are you out there, Louis C.K.?

Once crucial conversations

Kept us on our toes;

Was it really in our interest

To trample Charlie Rose?

And what’s with this ‘Me Too’?

This infantizing term of the day …

Is this a toddler’s crusade?

Reducing rape, slut-shaming, and suffrage to reckless child’s play?

A platform for accusation impunity?

Due process has lost its sheen?

Again, there’s no satire here. Other parts of the poem are serious complaints about issues like mass shootings. Penn just got to the end of a novel that he clearly took less time to write than most people spend crafting SpongeBob memes, and spent a half-second thinking, “Hey, what if it was actually bad that a 76-year-old millionaire was fired for repeatedly harassing women?” And then he zooms on, like a philosophical hit and run. He wants to offer half-assed commentary on everything he’s ever glimpsed in the news. And that, I think, is because …

Sean Penn Desperately Wants To Sound Smart

The New York Times called Penn’s book “a riddle wrapped in an enigma and cloaked in crazy.” I have a simpler explanation: It sucks. “Riddle” implies that there’s something clever to be gleaned from it. There isn’t. It’s public masturbation. Penn quotes and references Herodotus, Norman Mailer, Inmar Berman, Jack Kerouac, Phil Ochs, Albert Camus, and more, because like your most annoying Facebook friends, he thinks that knowing the names of smart people makes him smart by proxy.

This garbage has been declared to have “almost immeasurable charm” seemingly solely because it calls Donald Trump fat. The very fact that it was published at all is the ultimate example of grading on a curve. Sean Penn is a celebrity, so of course we have to put out his inanity. Penn took the bold political stance that ha ha, Trump has a small penis, so of course it’s provocative. Even some of the many people who slammed it still called it things like “brave” or a misfired statement. It’s not, and it isn’t. That Penn sees this book as some kind of bold statement against branding is the height of hypocrisy and arrogance. This book is on shelves only because Sean Penn is a “brand.”

I realize the irony here, that I’m contributing to the attention that Penn is getting. But this isn’t just a critique; it’s a warning. Don’t buy this book because Sarah Silverman called it a “masterpiece.” Don’t buy this book out of morbid curiosity. Taunting notes sent by serial killers have contributed more to American culture than this book ever will, and the only productive thing we can do is ignore it like it’s an attention-seeking child. If I still haven’t convinced you, here’s what Sean Penn has to say after a scene in which a helicopter crushes a woman:

“As for Helen Mayo, they did Sikh and find remains. Get it? Sikh! Get it???”

I know you’ll do the right thing.

Mark is on Twitter, and has a book with a better rating than Penn’s.

Guess we’d be remiss not to link you to where you could purchase the book, so here it is if you really want it.

Support Cracked’s journalism with a visit to our Contribution Page. Please and thank you.

For more bizarre celebrity literature, check out I Read Steven Seagal’s Insane Novel So You Don’t Have To and 6 Ugly Things You Learn About Donald Trump Reading His Books.

You really should be following us on Facebook.

Read more: http://www.cracked.com/blog/sean-penn-wrote-worst-novel-in-human-history-i-read-it/

from Viral News HQ https://ift.tt/2I8aM6b via Viral News HQ

#IFTTT #Viral News HQ

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hardcheapknock-blog · 7 years ago

Text

We did it! We passed the time for 50 days by providing memorable Star Wars related content for you the humble and gorgeous viewer(s). Holy craps what a ride. Well, we are on day zero and probably have seen or are seeing The Last Jedi as we speak. So for now here is some bonus goodness from some of our beloved authors before we go on a much needed holiday hiatus and Last Jedi binge. See you in 2018!

Gundy

The Audacity of A New Hope

Our 50-Day Countdown was really tough. What really surprised me about my performance during the countdown is I never really ran into a creative block. My biggest challenge was finding the time to do what I wanted in the time allotted. If it became clear that I would not have enough time to create the post I wanted, I somehow found a way to post something faster to buy myself extra time.

Each of us had to publish every four days, and with each other as our own best critics, the posts had to be solid. JERMAINE SOLID.

Sometimes an idea hit me and I had it turned around in 24 hours: “Rey Mind Trick“, “Midichlorox“, and “Chalmun’s Cantina Sippy Cups” are good examples of this. One post, “‘Made To Suffer’ by Guest Artist Edvard Munch“, actually happened by accident and I just followed it to the new conclusion which was really fun!

The Red Arm Diaries

C-3PO’s red arm was a source of hilariousness for me. It’s absurd how it is introduced, made to be an object of mystery and speculated upon, and then by the end of The Force Awakens, replaced with the normal, gold arm.

I’d planned to focus almost entirely on the Red Arm in a series called “The Red Arm Diaries”. This would include equally-absurd theories of how the red arm came to be. Yes, I am aware that the real story behind the red arm is out there to be discovered, but the average movie-goer isn’t going to do that. I had planned to create one-page vignettes around what transpired between Episode 6 and 7 that could account for the red arm.

In the end, I only did one comic, “Reunite Us, Interruptus“. I’m not sure if I got tired of drawing old Goldenrod or just lost faith in the idea. The other ideas that I did make a priority are still things I’m very happy with. In general, I just wish I’d done more comics.

The Reject Pile

Here are some ideas I decided NOT to do…

“The Red Missile”

I had the idea for a short comic where “Holiday Special” Boba Fett’s backpack missile kept getting him in trouble whenever he wanted to rent a creature to ride – by accidentally firing and choking them. So he’d have a reputation for just being a lousy customer and not the bounty hunter everyone fears him as.

In starting the research, it made me really sad to hear about all of the incidents in the 70s that led to toys no longer being able to fire missiles on which children can choke. So I scrapped that idea. I really wanted to make that pop culture reference work, but not on the backs of dead children. Well, this time.

“The Shortest Fan Cut of ANH”

I thought it would be funny to show how simple things would be if R2-D2 had simply started flying as he did in Attack of the Clones but in A New Hope.

So, the droids land of Tatooine… C-3PO mounts up on R2, they bypass the jawas and the Lars farm and simply fly to Obi Wan’s hermit hut. They fly to Mos Eisley and hire Han and Chewie AND they are able to arrive on Alderaan before it blows up! Later, they simply mount a bomb on him and send him into the exhaust port, flying, kamikaze-style. The end.

“A Christmas Falcon”

I have a lot of great photos from my childhood, opening Star Wars toys on Christmas morning, wearing Star Wars pajamas. I just couldn’t think of a way to make that slice of nostalgia into a post.

Yeah! The Imperial Troop Transport!

Christmas Falcon! PJs!

Whoa, how did this get in there!

Thanks for reading!

Samson

It really doesn’t surprise me anymore about how much back story can be created pertaining to the most random stuff in A New Hope. Case in point, the large skeleton of some beast that roamed the Dune Sea of Tatooine, which 3PO just happened to walk by, in search of rescue. I don’t know when they first started calling it a Krayt Dragon. It must have be a while back ago, cause when I was looking up images of the skeleton, I knew to look up “Krayt Dragon.” Apparently they are the apex predators of Tatooine. Too bad we didn’t see a living one in the film take down a Bantha or some Jawas.

My problem isn’t so much with all the back story stuff, be it official or fan fiction. My problem is with all the art being created hypothesizing what the creature actually looked like in the flesh. All the renderings pretty much show a traditional, elongated dragon head complete with horns around the back of the head. Even Terryl Whitlatch, who designed a lot of the creatures for Episode I, drew her dragon with fairly long snout. I really love the illustration, but that skull just doesn’t match the source material. If you look at the skull in the film, it’s a stubby head with no horns. It almost looks like a Camarasaurus (sauropod dinosaur) head, but with pointy, needle teeth. The only illustration that comes close to the skeleton on film is a painting by Ralph McQuarrie depicting two sand people hunting a Krayt Dragon. I think it was part of the original pitch art he created for Uncle George, but I’m not entirely sure about that. It may have been done much later for some book, regardless the head on this dragon looks rather stubby. Either way, there sure is a crap load of stuff for a background skeleton that only appears for a few seconds on screen. But that’s the appeal of Star Wars. All these little details, bringing the world to life, that people will obsess over and latch onto… even 40 years later.

FlippyCrap™®

Counting down origin

Well a quick tale of truth is 2 years ago I decided to countdown the days till The Force Awakens by myself despite Phil Collin’s song Against All Odds. Well take a look at me now Phil! I started at 100. That’s one more bottle of beer on the wall per the song and I don’t even drink! And without any preparation or knowledge of Star Wars(lie). Yeah in retrospect it was a crazy venture seeing how there is life. But I went with it. Using facebook as my vehicle of display, each day I posted something new. In the beginning it was just me googling the hell out of SW related items and trying to find the funniest or most interesting ones. But then I started to actually create my own. It seemed more ownable and frankly the kids (7-12 friends) loved it.

Some of those “classic” ones were inserted into this countdown because dammit I could do what I want. Those were The Star Wars Halloween Special (day 45) and Thanksgiving message from the bounty hunters (Day 22). But the rest were new, fresh and stupid! Just don’t forget to tell Kanjiklub!

So short, long story brief, my colleagues at HardCheapKnock decided to do one together for The Last Jedi. This way it was not as daunting with multi folks on it. In truth it still was tough but we frickin’ did it!

Writers notes

Some of the inspiration behind my posts:

Yoda’s Suffering (day 35) – this was intended to be a message about the struggles of children in Uganda. You should read about it on the web if you have time.

Not again Threepio NSFE (day 35) – again about Uganda

Walrus Man Discount Replacement Limb or Other Club (day 2) – This one took about a month to do. Mainly the drawings of every body and part. Actually I had this mostly done before we even started the countdown. Just tweaking it along the way.

Utini Speeder Wreckers (day 15) – This was a homage to a local CHICAGO TV commercial from the early 90’s. Took about 2 weeks to do. And if you think the quality looks shitty that was the intention so wah! Here are some clean behind the scenes photos then jerks.

Anyways God bless you if you sneezed within the hour (otherwise this is void). And God bless Star Wars.

As a reminder although the countdown is over you have 11 more days to enter the: LAST JEDI COUNTDOWN CONTEST! We are giving away a $100 Dollar Fandango Gift Card!!! We know you are going to see The Last Jedi…so we want to buy your second, third or fourth viewings! So it’s quite easy to play. You can do one or all of the following for a chance to win:

Visit Hard Cheap Knock on Facebook

Follow @hardcheapknock on Twitter

Post a tweet

List the hidden numbers you found throughout the countdown – HINT there are 7 of them!

All of the above options must be activated through the fancy little entry form below:

Entry-Form

The more options you do the more your chance of winning increases! Enter today through December 25, 2017. Must be 18 years old to play and be a resident of the USA. For full official rules click here.

0 Days to The Last Jedi! We did it! We passed the time for 50 days by providing memorable Star Wars related content for you the humble and gorgeous viewer(s).

#50 Days of Star Wars #creatures #illustration #Last Jedi #Star Wars #The Last Jedi

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williamjharwick · 7 years ago

Text

Top 10 Tips for Brand New Podcasters

Although podcasts have been around for over a decade, now is the best time to start one if you haven’t already.

Podcast hosts are standing out from the crowd in their niche. Brands are getting more reach and building bigger, tighter audiences. Coaches are getting more clients, and new entrepreneurs are using podcasts to launch their new businesses, or power-up their existing one.

As with any content platform, when it starts to go mainstream, a lot of people rush into it and fail to have the proper expectations and strategies to make that time worthwhile. Podcasting is an incredibly powerful medium, and these top 10 tips for brand new podcasters come from my own experience hosting several of my own shows, and helping thousands of others create their own.

1. Push the Fear Aside and Just Get Started

In December 2008 when SPI was only three months old, I published a blog post announcing my new, upcoming podcast. I even published my first audio file online, just to test my new microphone equipment.

Here is that audio file below. It’s . . . well . . . not my best work:

So that was December 2008. My first episode didn’t come out until July . . .

. . . of 2010.

Yes, that’s a year and a half later. I waited that long because, more than anything, I was scared. I was scared of recording my voice and putting it out there in the world for everyone to judge. I was scared about what people thought about my show, or me as a person, because unlike a written blog post, a recorded audio file (even though you can edit), is a lot harder to “hide behind.”

Eventually, I got over the fear, and thanks to the encouragement of dozens of other supporters, I published the first episode of The Smart Passive Income Podcast in July 2010.

Looking back, I truly wish I had started earlier.

2. Don’t Worry About the Sound of Your Voice

One thing in particular I feared was how people would respond to the sound of my voice. I didn’t like the sound, and I would always cringe when listening to my own recordings.

I still do.

Honestly, I don’t think anyone likes the sound of their own voice.

The truth is, the sound of your voice doesn’t matter. It’s the information and inspiration you share with that voice that matters. So, if you have an accent that you think is “too thick” or a voice that’s high and piercing, it doesn’t matter. You should be podcasting anyway.

And even if people didn’t like your voice for whatever reason, those aren’t the people you’re meant to serve anyway.

3. You Don’t Need a Super Expensive Setup

The most important tool a podcaster has, besides their voice, is the microphone that captures that voice.

A lot of beginners think they need a setup that costs over $1,000 to get started, which includes not only the microphone, but also the mixer, decompressor, and other metal boxes that have a ton of dials and switches that really just makes things more confusing. Perhaps that was the case back in the day when professional broadcasters were the ones starting podcasts, but nowadays, with the progression in microphone technology over the years, all you need is a quality microphone that plugs into your USB.

Professional audio engineers may cringe to hear that, but let me tell you something about pro audiophiles: they hear everything. They are so talented and involved in what they do, they can notice the difference between two microphones just like a car enthusiast could name a car just by hearing the engine.

Us regular-eared people can still hear the difference between bad audio quality and good audio quality, but with the mics available to us today, most of us can’t tell the difference between an $80 microphone and a $350 microphone.

I paid over $700 in equipment I never used when I started, which is why I was happy to find this bad boy: the Audio-Technica ATR-2100. [Full Disclosure: As an affiliate, I receive compensation if you purchase through this link.]

I love my ATR-2100!

I remember when I found out about it too. Big thanks to Father Roderick who mentioned it on Facebook over seven years ago.

This will run you about $70 on Amazon, and it plugs directly into your computer’s USB port. This, and recording software like GarageBand or Audacity, and you’re good to go. [Full Disclosure: As an affiliate, I receive compensation if you purchase through this link.]

You may want to upgrade later on when you start to generate an income and make a business out of your podcast, but you may find that even then, you won’t need to upgrade.

4. Plan Your Future Content. Please!

For the first few years of the life of my podcast, I had the same thought every Wednesday morning after hitting publish on that week’s podcast episode:

“Woohoo! [Small celebratory dance.] Okay, now, let’s figure out what next week’s episode is going to be about . . . UGH.”

In the beginning, those thoughts about next week’s episode came rather quickly. But over time, the minutes spent thinking about what to do next turned into hours, which turned into days until eventually I began to miss publication dates for my show.

If you allow yourself to “wonder what’s next,” you can be sure that eventually you’ll wonder what happened to your show. Taking time upfront to plan your content calendar will save you so much stress and anxiety when it comes to the production of your show.

Please, no matter where you’re at in your podcasting journey, plan ahead. At the beginning of each quarter, my team and I get together and brainstorm blog post and podcast episode topics for the next quarter. Yes, things change sometimes, but it’s so nice to have an idea of what’s coming next.

If you’ll be inviting guests on your show, it’ll make it easier to schedule. If one of those episodes requires some research, you’ll actually have time to do it. And if you’re planning a launch of a product or some special event, you can plan around that as well and have your podcast episodes support your business better.

For the beginner who has yet to launch their show, try to write down fifteen topics, ideas, or guests you could have on your show, and try to put them in order starting from episode one. Don’t worry about the titles yet; fine tuning that can always come later.

And if you find you can’t list fifteen topics or show ideas yet, that’s a sign that you need to put a little more research in before you light that fuse.

5. Launch Your Podcast with at Least 3 Episodes

I remember my first one-star review for my show. It was harsh, and it came almost immediately after my first episode came out.

Not a great way to begin.

The reviewer commented on the the fact that I spent time in that first episode sharing my vision of what the podcast will become.

Kind of harsh if you ask me. But it taught me a valuable lesson.

First, an introductory episode (episode #1) that shares what’s coming and gives nothing else to chew on is really just a big fat tease . . . and some people don’t like to be teased. This person had to wait an entire week to finally get the goods, which is not ideal. I should have launched with more than just a “here’s what you can look forward to.”

The launch of your show should be treated like an event, so give your listeners something to bite into! Launching with at least three episodes gives listeners more of an opportunity to dig deeper with you, and it gives them a sense of really what the show is going to be like moving forward.

For you, that means increased downloads, more calls to action inside of people’s ears, increased subscribership, and potentially even more ratings and reviews than you would have received otherwise.

A single episode alone may not resonate with a person, but if there are three, it’s much more likely one of those episodes will hit the mark.

6. Pick a Date and Make it an Event

I’ve already mentioned this in a previous tip, but it’s worth mentioning again. Before you launch your show, and even before you begin recording your first episodes, pick a launch date in the future, put it on the calendar, and make a commitment to stick to it.

Beyond that, the date you selected should be treated like it’s the day of a big event because it is!

Think about an actual in-person event that someone might host. Do they, without any notice to anyone else, open doors on the day of the event and hope people come in? Not usually!

Typically, there is quite an effort that goes into letting people know that the event is happening, and that date and the location are always mentioned. You could even set up a contest of sorts, get your friends and family involved, and make this day something fun and memorable for you and all of your new subscribers.

7. Understand the Truth About A-listers

A-listers are the top people in your space, and in terms of people to interview for an episode, they are the ones most podcasters always shoot for.

Having A-listers on your show is great. They can definitely drop some amazing knowledge for you and your audience, and the credibility that comes with interviewing an A-lister is very real. I definitely recommend trying to make that happen, but there are a number of concerns that I need to bring up, especially for the beginning podcaster:

A-listers are not always easy to convince to have on your show. They are typically being asked by many other people for their time, and most A-listers want to make sure their time is well spent. If you don’t have a relationship with the A-lister already, the answer is almost always an immediate no.

If you do happen to score a lucky interview with an A-lister, congratulations! But now you have the challenge of making sure that interview becomes something unique. Like I said, other people are probably asking this person for an interview too, so how are you going to make this one better than the rest? It can be very challenging, especially if this person is saying yes to many people.

For beginner podcasters, I recommend interviewing the following three groups of people:

B & C-listers: People in the same space who can contribute to your show and add value to your podcast. These people are potential up-and-comers, and are far more likely to say yes to an interview because they are looking for exposure too. They are bloggers, podcasters, and video content creators who are consistently coming out with great stuff. And generally, they’ll be more likely to reciprocate than an A-lister would.

Success Stories You’ve Created: This is one of the most underutilized groups of people to potentially interview in the podcasting space. That is, people in your audience who have found success because of you! There’s no better way to prove your expertise and ability to help others than to showcase a student of yours who took action. Unlike an A-lister, these people are far more relatable, and only a few steps ahead of your audience, so this will fire up your listeners like nothing else.

Success Stories that Haven’t Happened Yet: Instead of interviewing successful people and experts in your space, what about people who are on their way? This likely represents the top percentage of listeners of your show, so if you invited a person on and coached them through a specific pain or problem, that immediately demonstrates not only your knowledge and expertise, but also your love and care for your audience. If you offer any coaching, this is one of the best ways to get new clients, because your audience gets to taste test exactly what learning from you is like!

8. Use Royalty-Free Music and Audio

Lots of new podcasters have questions about using music and audio clips in their show. Even if it’s just a clip, even if that clip is only one second long, you are putting you and your business at risk by not getting permission to use other people’s intellectual property in your show.

Yes, a podcast is cool because it’s your show and you can build it and structure it in any way you wish, but you still have to follow the rules when it comes to legal stuff, or else you could get in trouble.

Not all podcasters follow the rules though, so just because you hear an audio clip or a song on another podcast doesn’t mean you can use one too. You don’t know if the other podcast licensed the use of that clip or song, which is also possible (but typically very expensive).

The best practice, especially when starting out, is to create the music yourself, hire someone to do it for you (and you own the song), or use a service that has royalty-free audio that you’re allowed to use in your podcast.

Here are a couple of resources I’m excited to share with you that may help you here at the start:

Music Radio Creative: Mike and Izabela created this service to help those who want professional, royalty-free music and voiceovers done for their show. I’ve used it for AskPat, and several other podcasters have been completely happy with their service. Even some new students of mine in the founding group for my online training course, Power-Up Podcasting, enjoyed using their services. [Full Disclosure: As an affiliate, I receive compensation if you purchase through this link.]

Artlist.io: This is my latest find when it comes to royalty-free music, and there are actually some decent tracks on here I could imagine myself listening to in the car. I use this mainly for music that goes into my live streams to accommodate Facebook’s strict rules. But you can download, edit, and use these in your podcast episodes as well.

9. Put the Numbers into Perspective

I once asked a friend of mine how often he checked his podcast downloads stats. His answer?

At least ten times a day!

Ten! That’s a lot, but I don’t blame him. One of the funnest parts of podcasting is seeing exactly how many people are on the other end listening. At the same time, it can also be one of the most depressing podcaster rituals, because those numbers may not be as big as you want them to be.

It’s always good to want to grow, and so you should always strive for bigger download numbers, but at the same time, I want to help you put into perspective what these numbers actually mean.

A podcast with only 100 downloads an episode may seem like it’s not going anywhere. But imagine this:

A room filled with 100 people, and you’re up on stage at the front. People came there to watch you and take in every word you said. For many people, that imagery scares people to death. Why? Because that’s a lot of people to stand up in front of and deliver a message to!

To me, a podcast is no different. It’s your message, on a digital stage, that people have chosen to listen to. You may only start with small numbers, but remember those numbers represent actual human beings who are interested in you and your message, and could potentially share your message with others too.

Is there no wonder why I prefer podcasting over speaking on stage? It’s not because I don’t have to travel and I can record straight from home. That’s a plus, yes, but the amazing thing is that in order to get in front of hundreds, thousands, and even tens of thousands of people, each week, all I need to do is record an episode from the comfort of my own home.

Imagine trying to hold a real-life event each week with that many people, and how much that would cost.

10. Create Your Podcast SOP

An SOP, or standard operating procedure, is a written list of steps or requirements that you (or another person) can use for a repetitive task. When you have one for your podcast, it makes life SO much easier! After you get started, creating an episode from start to finish starts to become second nature. In the beginning, however, it’s almost like you’re learning how to walk for the first time.

As you create your episodes, write down the steps you take. Every little thing matters, from where you drop your files in the host that you choose, to your show notes and even how you promote your show on social media.

The benefit of writing this down is you don’t have to waste time thinking anymore, and you could even hand that off to someone else to produce most of it for you in the future so that all you have to do is record content, and everything else is taken care of.

A Free Checklist / SOP for Starting a Podcast

I’ve helped thousands of people start their own podcast, and I want to help thousands more. Like I said, it’s the number one content platform available to you for sharing your message in the most impactful way, and if you’re hoping to build a strong rapport with your audience, there’s no better way to do it.

I created a free podcasting cheat sheet [LINK TO PODCASTING CHEAT SHEET LEADPAGES FORM] for those of you who are interested in starting your own show. The cheat sheet includes worksheets to help you learn more about what your show is going to be about and how it’ll stand out from the crowd, getting started with your content calendar, and also a checklist for all the things you need to do to from now until launch date to get your show up on iTunes and other directories.

//static.leadpages.net/leadboxes/current/embed.js Click here to download the podcasting cheat sheet for free, and I look forward to seeing your show up on iTunes soon! If you found this article helpful, please click here to share it!

These 10 Tips for Brand New Podcasters will help you get your podcast started! Click To Tweet

Top 10 Tips for Brand New Podcasters shared from David Homer’s Blog

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andrewmrudd79 · 7 years ago

Text

Top 10 Tips for Brand New Podcasters

Although podcasts have been around for over a decade, now is the best time to start one if you haven’t already.

1. Push the Fear Aside and Just Get Started

Here is that audio file below. It’s . . . well . . . not my best work:

So that was December 2008. My first episode didn’t come out until July . . .

. . . of 2010.

Eventually, I got over the fear, and thanks to the encouragement of dozens of other supporters, I published the first episode of The Smart Passive Income Podcast in July 2010.

Looking back, I truly wish I had started earlier.

2. Don’t Worry About the Sound of Your Voice

One thing in particular I feared was how people would respond to the sound of my voice. I didn’t like the sound, and I would always cringe when listening to my own recordings.

I still do.

Honestly, I don’t think anyone likes the sound of their own voice.

And even if people didn’t like your voice for whatever reason, those aren’t the people you’re meant to serve anyway.

3. You Don’t Need a Super Expensive Setup

The most important tool a podcaster has, besides their voice, is the microphone that captures that voice.

I love my ATR-2100!

I remember when I found out about it too. Big thanks to Father Roderick who mentioned it on Facebook over seven years ago.

You may want to upgrade later on when you start to generate an income and make a business out of your podcast, but you may find that even then, you won’t need to upgrade.

4. Plan Your Future Content. Please!

For the first few years of the life of my podcast, I had the same thought every Wednesday morning after hitting publish on that week’s podcast episode:

“Woohoo! [Small celebratory dance.] Okay, now, let’s figure out what next week’s episode is going to be about . . . UGH.”

And if you find you can’t list fifteen topics or show ideas yet, that’s a sign that you need to put a little more research in before you light that fuse.

5. Launch Your Podcast with at Least 3 Episodes

I remember my first one-star review for my show. It was harsh, and it came almost immediately after my first episode came out.

Not a great way to begin.

The reviewer commented on the the fact that I spent time in that first episode sharing my vision of what the podcast will become.

Kind of harsh if you ask me. But it taught me a valuable lesson.

A single episode alone may not resonate with a person, but if there are three, it’s much more likely one of those episodes will hit the mark.

6. Pick a Date and Make it an Event

Beyond that, the date you selected should be treated like it’s the day of a big event because it is!

Think about an actual in-person event that someone might host. Do they, without any notice to anyone else, open doors on the day of the event and hope people come in? Not usually!

7. Understand the Truth About A-listers

A-listers are the top people in your space, and in terms of people to interview for an episode, they are the ones most podcasters always shoot for.

For beginner podcasters, I recommend interviewing the following three groups of people:

8. Use Royalty-Free Music and Audio

Here are a couple of resources I’m excited to share with you that may help you here at the start:

9. Put the Numbers into Perspective

I once asked a friend of mine how often he checked his podcast downloads stats. His answer?

At least ten times a day!

It’s always good to want to grow, and so you should always strive for bigger download numbers, but at the same time, I want to help you put into perspective what these numbers actually mean.

A podcast with only 100 downloads an episode may seem like it’s not going anywhere. But imagine this:

Imagine trying to hold a real-life event each week with that many people, and how much that would cost.

10. Create Your Podcast SOP

A Free Checklist / SOP for Starting a Podcast

These 10 Tips for Brand New Podcasters will help you get your podcast started! Click To Tweet

Top 10 Tips for Brand New Podcasters originally posted at Homer’s Blog

0 notes